|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
First up was a segment where a guy came in to eat bugs. Here's what I had in my archives:
Myze The Insect Eater. 4/14/99. 6:50am
This guy Myze came in to eat some insects for no particular reason this morning. He told Howard that he's been doing this since he was about 13 or 14 years old. He brought in 3 dozen crickets and a dozen cockroaches to eat. He said he got them right from his own sink! Howard had the guy start doing it right away and you could hear the crunching through the microphone. He was taking the bugs, tossing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth like popcorn. He started off with the crickets and moved on to the cockroaches soon after. He said they taste like rancid potatoes. I guess he's had rancid potatoes before also. Myze said he also eats goldfish and smashes beer cans on his head. Apparently he was doing the beer can smash on his head before he came up to the studio. He had bruises and lumps on his head from doing that. Myze didn't have anything to plug, he just wanted to get on the show I guess.
The World's Largest Hemorrhoid Contest. 09/24/04. 8:05am
Over 50 people showed up to enter the World's Largest Hemorrhoid Contest this morning. Howard got pissed at Gary when he started to bring someone in the studio. He went on to say that he didn't think anyone would show up for this contest. Only one woman showed up and also a guy with his dog. Howard spoke to Dr. Andrews who was there to help with the judging. Gay Ramone and High Pitch Erik were also there to help out. Howard spent some time talking to Gay Ramone who said this is his first time seeing hemorrhoids.
High Pitch Erik isn't liked by many people and he's not sure why. Howard said that he has bleeding gums and he's extremely fat. Gary wondered what he weighs now so Eric said he thinks he's between 290 and 300 pounds. Howard had him get on the studio scale and it shot right up to 316 pounds! Howard said that Erik did get a lot of positive e-mail the other day when he made a prank call to Eric the Midget. Howard replayed the call so everyone could hear it. High Pitch goofed on Eric the Midget by making a few calls to him saying that he was going to sue him for using his name. He also asked him what he was wearing and to talk dirty to him. High Pitch did impressions of Kelly Clarkson, KC and Gary when he called him back.
Howard moved on to the World's Largest Hemorrhoid Contest. Howard got pissed again when they brought the contestants in at one time. Both Gary and Doug from E! said that's what he said he wanted though. Dr. Andrews told Howard he can't believe that people let their hemorrhoids get as big as some of these people have. The first guy dropped his pants and everyone was amazed at how large it was. Artie said that he would be affected for the rest of his life because of that. They weren't ready to judge the contest yet because they had nothing to compare it to. Howard had the second contestant drop his pants to show his 'roid. It was even more shocking than the first one was. Howard said he didn't know what that was. High Pitch said it looked like a creature living in there. The contestant said that he has to go through a whole ritual every day because of the 'roid. Dr. Andrews hasn't even seen things this bad before and he was prepared for the worst.
The next contestant got up and pulled down his pants. Howard sounded just as shocked with that guy's 'roid as he was with the others. High Pitch said that this guy cried earlier after showing them his problem area. He said it's extremely painful and that's why he was crying. Howard said that these guys need to wipe properly and not strain to go to the bathroom. He doesn't understand how these things get out of hand like that.
Howard had the next guy get up and show his 'roid. Robin asked him to ''stop it'' after seeing that guy. Howard got up out of his seat for some reason. Robin said something about him looking like a girl down there. Howard took a phone call from a guy who wondered if it was going to air on E!. Howard said it might be better if they just put it right on his web site where they have uncensored shows available for downloading. The whole thing was unbelievable according to Howard and the guys.
Howard had the next contestant get up. He's been suffering for 10-12 years with his 'roids. He pulled down his underwear and the guys were even more freaked out by his hemorrhoid than they were by anyone else's. Robin said she couldn't take it anymore. Even Dr. Andrews wasn't sure what he'd just seen. Robin said it looked like liver. Howard described it as looking like the Rolling Stones logo. The guy has no insurance so he can't get it fixed. Gary told him it looked like a fetus.
The only woman to enter the contest made it to the finals. She's a pregnant woman who is due in November. She said that the hemorrhoids are very painful. She dropped her pants and the guys were grossed out once again. Fred said he saw someone waving. Gary said that is Howard's official ticket to hell for making her do that. Artie said he thinks she's having twins.
That was it for the contestants so they had to do the judging next. Howard gave each of the contestants names (Patrick, Doug, Greg, Steven, Richard and Ann) and tried to figure out a way to judge the contest. Howard said he feels bad for all of them but only one person was going to win $10,000 courtesy of Hemorrelief.com. Howard said if he knew this many people were going to show up, they would have gotten a second and third place prize. One guy asked to get a plug for his art web(TheMangina.com) site just in case he doesn't win. Howard told him that would be fair and said he could get a plug if he doesn't win.
A few people called in and said that this was a very disturbing show today with this stuff going on. Howard said that this is the most disturbing show he has done since the small penis contest. He said it's even worse than the beheading video that he watched on the web one time. He then wrote down the person he wanted to win. Fred was the first to give his vote and he gave it to Richard. Artie, Robin and Howard all went with him as well just because it was so disturbing looking. High Pitch Erik, Gay Ramone and Dr. Andrews also gave their votes to Richard. It was a unanimous vote for him.
A bunch of women from Hemorrelief came in to present the winner with his $10,000 check. They hadn't seen the guy's ass yet so they put a picture up of it so they could see. They were pretty freaked out by it and said that they'd never seen anything like that. The girls gave Richard a trophy and his check. One of the girls from Hemorrelief showed Howard her ass before they wrapped up the segment. She told Howard that she just did a Playboy Lingerie shoot but never gave her name. High Pitch got in a bunch of plugs for his upcoming comedy gigs he has going on. He got in too many and Howard said he just had to get him out of there. Dr. Andrews gave out his web site which was DevilsReaper.com before Howard went to commercial break.
In the clip we heard Howard telling Robin about this story that he heard from Ronnie about how he crapped his pants. Howard called Ronnie to get him to tell the story on the air. Howard called the wrong number so he had to call in himself.
Howard told some of the story and then had Ronnie tell the rest of it. Ronnie said it was really cold out and he had a suit on. He said it was like 1985 and he was driving this guy from Atari. He said he thought he had some gas coming on and he ended up having an accident in his pants. Howard said Jackie has those kind of stories almost every day.
Ronnie said he didn't have a place to go so he ran over to Central Park where it was dark. He said he turned on the heat in the back of the car and took off his pants and everything. He said he changed his pants and got some paper towels. Howard kept cutting Ronnie off so he wouldn't get too graphic. Howard said he got out of the car and chucked his underpants up into a tree. Ronnie said the other drivers would go by and see them hanging up there. He said they're not there anymore. They fell with the leaves. Howard said he started telling him that story and he figured no one would believe it. He said he's a kook.
Hank The Dwarf And Beetlejuice. 3/17/00. 7:50am
(Edited) This guy Mike had come down to try and win breast implants for his wife. He had agreed to suck Hank's toes to win the implants. Hank didn't want any part of it unless he was going to get paid. Gary told him they'd give him $800 courtesy of iWon.com for his trouble. He was also afraid that the guy was gay but Mike says he's not. Gary took off Hank's one shoe and everyone was disgusted by his uncut toe nails. Hank says he never cuts them. Some people were even saying that they were green from fungus or something. Howard told the guy that he had to suck and kiss all of his toes and put all 5 in his mouth to win the implants. Mike didn't seem to hesitate much. He went right to it and sucked those green toes. He won the implants which will be put in by Dr. Sal Calabro.
Johnny Toxic Brings Cream & Shel To Vomit On Each Other. 10/4/99. 8:15am
These two women came in this morning to vomit on each other. Apparently this guy Johnny Toxic made this porno ''Johnny Toxic's Vomitorium'' where the women have a vomiting fetish and they hurl on each other for some odd reason. The original plan was to have the women puke on High Pitch Eric but he didn't show up because he had something else to do. Instead Howard interviewed the women for a few minutes then had them do their thing. The women, Cream and Shel (Michelle), said that they get really drunk and that helps them puke. Cream is the one who likes to get puked on and Shel is the puker. They do this while they're completely nude by the way. Before the girls did their thing everyone in the studio got a bucket just in case they had to puke after watching this mess. Gary said he would probably vomit when he saw them do it. Jackie always pukes after seeing stuff like this so he was at risk also. Eventually the girls got naked and Shel prepared to puke on Cream. KC told Howard that he was really excited to see this. Benjy came in and volunteered to be vomited on but Howard kicked him out of the studio. Howard said that Cream had small breasts but they were cute. Shel had large breasts but Howard didn't say much about them. Shel soon started sticking her fingers down her throat and after a few tries she finally threw up on Cream's back. Everyone was disgusted by the sight of it. Howard said ''Okay, I've seen it all.. I can retire now..'' Someone said that the vomit was just lying in the small of Creams back and shortly after that Gary threw up in his bucket. They had to get the girls out of there before anyone else threw up. Johnny Toxic said you can either call 877-I-VOMIT-2 or check out Vomitorium.com. Shel and Cream can be seen at either StrawberryBox.com or GM-Video.com
Robin's News. 03/05/08. 9:55am
Robin had a story about how some people are allergic to semen. Artie said that he is. That led to Howard asking Robin if she's ever had a load blown on her face and broke out or anything. He asked her what she does when she has a load blown on her. She said that she'll just wipe it off. She doesn't have a problem with a guy doing that too her.
KC's ''Accident''. 1/2/01. 8:10am
Howard said that KC told him something very disturbing during a commercial break. He wasn't even sure how to describe it on the air. He eventually figured out a way to tell us that KC accidentally crapped on his girlfriend when he tried to fart on her. He said he'd been drinking a lot of apple juice and apparently it went right through him. He went to fart on his ill girlfriend as a joke but he ended up crapping himself and getting some splatter on her. He said when he went to the bathroom he left a trail and had to clean that up. He said that he brought the sweat pants he messed up down to the laundry room but ended up leaving them down there after someone else had taken them out of the washing machine for him. KC said his girlfriend was really sick so she'd been drinking all of the orange juice so he was stuck with the apple juice. He also said he noticed that he didn't digest some mushrooms he'd eaten that day.
Gary came in and reminded Howard that he had a similar problem about a year ago. He thought he was farting but ended up having an accident in his underwear while he was at work. He was lucky because he had an extra pair of underwear in the gym bag he'd brought to work. Gary and Howard shared stories they've heard about others who have had these awful accidents.
Wheel Of Sex With Alexis Amore And Onna. 10/05/04. 8:20am
Howard had a new phony phone call that Sal the Stockbroker made. He said there are 8 categories on this Wheel of Sex thing they're doing today. Sal decided to call his wife and tell her that they wanted him to be part of the wheel of sex thing. He told her about the Benjy Pie thing where he'd have to put his ass in the pie and have the girl eat it. Sal told her that Benjy couldn't do it so they asked him to do it. His wife told him she wasn't happy with that and asked him if he'd like her to do something similar to that. Sal told her that he was fine with that as long as it's all for comedy. She ended up hanging up on Sal after he told her that he'd probably jump off a building if they asked him to.
Howard brought in porn star Alexis Amore (Buy her videos) after Sal's call. He said she has quite a set of boobs on her. She talked about the porn movies that she's done and that got Howard talking about a Jenna Jameson movie he watched last night. The movie wasn't all that good but he wasn't even sure what the name of it was. Alexis told Howard that her latest movie is ''Sizzling Salsa.''
Howard was trying to watch some porn last night so he could get some sleep. He had a business meeting until 10 o'clock last night and it was so private that they didn't even want anyone there to serve them dinner. Howard had to serve the dinner himself so the guys thought that was kind of odd. Howard served the three course meal that came up from a restaurant. He had his agent there and he refused to eat from the containers so he made him dump it onto a plate. After the meeting Howard had to get some sleep. Beth called him and wondered if he had Scores girls over there or something. He was going to take an Ambien to get to sleep or something but told Beth that he was going to pleasure himself to get to sleep. He said he only needs a couple of minutes alone to get himself off.
Howard said he went to his On Demand cable and tried to find a porn movie to watch so he could pleasure himself. He said they list people like Alexis as ''Exotics'' for some reason. He ended up talking to Alexis for a short time and asked her to show them her ass. Howard and Artie liked her ass. She also showed them her giant boobs. Robin said she may have gone a little too far with them. Artie said he'd just finished after seeing them. Howard got back to his porn movie discussion again. He said he tried to find a movie and his On Demand thing wasn't working so he had to grab a DVD instead. He threw in this Jenna Jameson movie but it was too artsy for him.
Howard was ready to move on to the Wheel of Sex game with Alexis. They noticed some tattoos she had on her. She had a bad Playboy bunny on her that they made fun of a little bit. Howard told her that it was ruining perfection and she really didn't need it. Howard had the guys bring in High Pitch Erik who was part of the Wheel of Sex. He was wearing edible underwear that she might have to eat. Here are the other choices she had:
Howard brought in another woman, Onna, from VoyeurDorm.com who also spun the Wheel of Sex. She got the ''Smell Benjy's ass for a minute'' but Benjy didn't want to do it. He thought that she would just make fun of his ass so he backed out. Howard had High Pitch do it instead. High Pitch got on all fours and they made Onna stick her nose in his ass crack for a full minute. Erik told the guys that her nose was cold. She actually did stick her nose in there but held her breath. Gary said he could smell his ass from where he was standing. Erik didn't believe that it stunk that much but Gary couldn't get that close to him. Doug Goodstein was standing at the other end and said he could smell it from there as well. Onna was very brave to have gone down there. Doug said that ''if crap could crap'' that's what he smells like.
''What's My Secret'' Game With William Shatner, Elephant Boy And Colt 40-Feinberg. 11/7/97. 8:20am
Fred The Elephant Boy and comedian Colt 40-Feinberg came in to play ''What's My Secret'' with William Shatner. Howard introduced Fred and Colt to Shatner and filled Shatner in on the strange things that Elephant Boy has done. They played his voice mail where he was looking for a couple that would be into a bi-sexual relationship with him.
Howard moved the guys on to talk about this woman they had coming in. He told them that they were going to ask questions to try and find out what her secret was. If they got a ''no'' answer then the next person would go. Howard also spoke to Mr. Shatner about his penis for a few seconds before moving on to talk to the woman with the secret.
Howard had the guys ask the woman a bunch of questions but all they got were ''no'' answers from her. Howard let that go on for a short time before he had to interrupt and just tell them what her secret was. It turns out the woman is able to smoke a cigarette with her private parts. In other words she has a smoking vagina. She demonstrated this talent and amazed everyone in the room. It must have been a hell of a sight because Howard yelled out ''Unbelievable!'' when he saw it. He said that she inhaled and exhaled the smoke!
Siobhan To Lose Her Virginity To John? 05/22/06. 8:10am
After the commercials Howard was listening to the acoustic version of ''Every Homo'' that he and Fred performed last week. Then he moved on to Siobhan and this guy John who was there to have sex with her. He heard that this guy John wreaks of pot. Siobhan came in and Howard let her know that she looks hideous... and added ''No offense...'' Siobhan was wearing white for the guy since she's a virgin. Artie told her that if she just stayed a dude he'd be a good looking 50-something looking dude. Howard asked her about her hair so Siobhan pulled her schemata off her head and showed the thinning hair up there.
Gary said that the guy is in the green room with his hands shaking. Howard told him to bring him in quickly before he ran away. The guy, John, said that he wasn't high this morning but his clothes all stink because he smokes in his room. Siobhan said that he's not a bad looking guy but she was disturbed by the fact that he's on methadone. Howard said that John is a nice looking guy... Siobhan said that she's worried about diseases, not about his looks. Jon said tat he's been tested for stuff since the methadone clinic makes people get tested.
John said that he was tested for Hepatitis and all of that stuff so he's clean. Siobhan asked him where he works. John said he works for his family's exterminator business. Howard told Siobhan that he's a guy with a penis who is wiling to take her transsexual virginity. The pickings are slim for something like that.
Siobhan said that she's looking for someone who can accept her past history. She claims that there are men out there who don't believe that she was once a man. Howard found that hard to believe. Howard asked John if he could go through with this. John said it would be hard but he wouldn't have come down there if he wasn't willing to do it.
Howard asked Siobhan to show John her fake vagine. John said he had seen it before on Howard TV but Siobhan pulled down her panties and showed it to him. Howard had her show him her boobs as well. Siobhan showed him her implants and pointed out that she has a third nipple as well.
Siobhan asked John what he would do if they were walking down the street and they were accosted by some guys. Artie said that John would ask if they had any heroin. Howard told John that Siobhan's penis was cut up and turned into a vagina and clitoris down there. He also asked John about his heroin use and why he was using. John said he used to move around a lot and felt like he didn't belong.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told John to leave now before he lost his dignity. Howard told him not to spoil their fun and hung up on him. John was still up for it. Siobhan is looking for a boyfriend but John probably wouldn't be the right man.
Siobhan said that a guy hit on her last week and wants her to call him back, but he doesn't know that she's had this surgery. Howard told her to just go for it with this guy and try it out. John didn't even want to hold Siobhan's hand but she grabbed it and said that he was very cold. Siobhan's hands were bigger than John's according to Howard. She's also taller than he is. John said that his hands are very rough as well.
Gary noticed that John wouldn't even look at Siobhan. He was looking off into space. Howard asked John if he could look at her at all because he kept turning away whenever he did look. Siobhan was telling Howard that she's really looking for a guy who can afford to get her some more plastic surgery.
Gary said that he wanted to see Siobhan give John a lap dance. Siobhan was even going to let him touch her fake boobs. John copped a feel but didn't want to kiss it. John said that he wasn't looking for foreplay. Artie asked John if he gets laid. John said that he's gotten laid about 12 times in his life and he started out at the age of 14.
John said that he got in trouble when he sold drugs to an undercover cop one time. That really fucked his life up and the case is still going on. He got out on $500,000 bail 2 years ago. Robin asked him if he's going to stay off of drugs now. He said he's going to stay clean now. John said he got nailed for selling drugs to the guy three times.
Howard took a call from a guy who told John that if he goes through with this thing, he'll end up going back on the heroin. John said he almost did go back on drugs to get through this whole thing. Howard asked the two of them if they were ready to go do their thing. They were ready to go so Howard told John that if he wants to bail out at any time, he can just run out of the room. John said he wouldn't have come down if he wasn't going to do it and he doesn't want to look like a fool.
Howard told John to give it his best shot and asked him if he had any condoms with him. John said he didn't have any but he needs about 3. Siobhan said that she has a bunch of them and she'll even have a female condom that she'll be wearing. Howard asked her why she would have that, she's not a female. John is doing all of this just so he can get in on the Artie Roast that's coming up next month.
Howard took a call from Zolar who told John that he's got to give him props for doing this. He wants to know what it looks like and smells like. He wanted him to suck her titty right then but John wasn't going to do that. Zolar also told him that he'll be known as a junkie, homo for the rest of his life.
Another caller told John that he's probably going to smell like Brie cheese after he's done doing it and he may never get another woman. Ralph called in and asked Siobhan if she was nuts because she was putting up all of these huge obstacles for the guy to get past. She's got tons of cats at her apartment and she's asking him to eat her out and things like that. John pointed out that Siobhan has snot running out of her nose too. Siobhan said that it's the weather and she can't help it.
John said that he had sex about 4 months ago. He asked if this was going to make him gay. Howard and Robin said ''no'' but Artie told him ''Yeeesss!'' Howard said he wasn't going to try and convince this guy to do this, he told him to just go give it a try and see if he could get it up for her. He's going to be the first man to stick his penis inside of her fake vag. Richard Christy stuck his finger in there last week.
Howard said that Siobhan had her head on John's shoulder and he looked like he didn't know what to do. Ralph just laughed when he heard that. John said that he bailed out last week because he really didn't think he'd be able to go through with the whole thing. Howard told the two of them to go on their way and to call them back when they get to Siobhan's place. She lives about 10 minutes away.
John Can't Get It Up For Siobhan. 05/22/06. 10:15am
After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who thought it was so funny that those truck drivers thought that they were talking to the real David Lee Roth. He said that's actually horrifying to think that there are people like that driving trucks around.
Howard went to Richie Wilson from In Demand who was over at Siobhan's apartment. Richie described the scene as the basement scene from the movie ''Silence of the Lambs.'' He said that the toilet is in the middle of a room and there are no walls around it. He said that the place smells like cat urine and there's hair all over the linens and things like that.
Shuli was also over there and said that he went to go pee in the toilet and there was a cat drinking out of it. He described the scene and said that there were cat cages all over the apartment and John was sitting there trying to chub up a bit. He was all nervous and shaking as well. He also talked about all of the cat toys and crap that were in there for them. There are cats with damaged ears and all kinds of other injuries.
Howard said that maybe Shuli and Richie should hand over their phones to John and Siobhan so they can listen in as this is going on. John got on the phone a minute later and said that he was having trouble chubbing up and Siobhan wouldn't give him a magazine to look at. Siobhan said it wouldn't count if he did that.
Howard asked John how they could help him out. John said that he was trying to get himself going but it was tough. Artie told Siobhan that if he went out and got a chick for John, that might help. Howard told John to let Siobhan just tug on that thing for him. He said that if he closes his eyes that might help too.
Siobhan laid down on the bed and spread her legs but that wasn't helping John out either. Howard told him to just go ahead and let Siobhan tug on his package. Howard asked him who he finds to be an attractive celebrity. John said he's into Eva Longoria so Howard told him to pretend that Siobhan is Eva.
Siobhan had to go and wash off her vibrator. When she came back she told John to take his shoes off. Howard told her to pretend to be Eva Longoria for John. Siobhan then started explaining the cats injuries and all of that. Howard told her to shut up and let John do his thing. John said that Siobhan was on the bed with her legs spread and they had no idea what was going on there.
Siobhan said that she blew out a hemorrhoid last night so that came up while she was trying to vibrate herself. Howard told John they had to get going so he had to do something. John put Shuli on the phone and Shuli described the scene. He said that John was walking around with his hand in his pants trying to turn himself on. Siobhan told John to relax. Shuli added ''Just relax, we're all guys here...''
Shuli said that John pulled out a condom and unwrapped it. Then Siobhan said that John actually has beautiful eyes and he's a very sweet guy. John had his pants unzipped and opened up. He was messing around down there. Shuli asked how come Siobhan's doctor isn't in jail for what he did to her.
John announced that he was actually getting smaller. Shuli tried to encourage him and John's pants did come down but he wasn't aroused. No one was surprised by that. Shuli said that poor John was staring at an inside-out penis on Siobhan.
Siobhan was still upset about the comments the guys were making about her cats. She said that the cats don't stink like the guys said they did. Howard said that she's got 30 cats in the apartment so it must stink.
Howard had George Flowers and Jon Hein come in with their show previews. George Flowers was first up with his Howard 100 News preview. George mentioned the stories that Lisa G mentioned earlier and also talked about some of the guests they had on the show today that they'll have interviews with. Jon Hein then gave a quick preview of what was coming up on The Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. He mentioned many of the things that went on during the show today and what they'll be talking about today.
Howard got back to Shuli and the crew at Siobhan's apartment. Shuli said that John was on the bed next to Siobhan. Howard asked him to put him on the phone so he could talk to him. John said that there was a cat on the bed trying to lick his penis and the smell was making him sick. He said he was trying to rub it to get it going but nothing was happening.
Howard had John put Siobhan on the phone. She told Howard that when she touches him, it shrinks into his body. Howard told her that she was a man so she should know what to do with it. Siobhan said that she wasn't very connected to her penis when she still had one. Howard told her to put John back on the phone. John said that he was going to try and shove it in while it was soft but Siobhan said it wouldn't go in unless it was hard.
Howard got Siobhan back on the phone. She told Howard that she wants him to tell John to eat her out. Howard tried to convince her to let John stick it in while it was soft. Siobhan didn't understand how John wasn't getting aroused while she was using the vibrator on herself. Howard told her it's because she's a man with a ''mangina.'' Siobhan believes that she's a woman with a vagina but that's not how these guys see it.
Siobhan said that she needs a man who is really into her and wants to have sex with her. Howard told her that's impossible but she said that's not true. Gary told Howard that Jessica Hahn was on the phone and wanted to talk to this guy. John got back on the phone and said he saw something under his vagina. Siobhan was saying that it was her hemorrhoid. John described it as red popcorn and couldn't explain it. He told Howard he has no clue what this looks like.
Howard put Jessica on the phone with John. She then told John to close his eyes and take a deep breath. She told him to think about her being naked and feeling really soft. She described kissing his belly and going down toward his penis and balls. She was saying that she was stroking his penis and balls and slipping down, feeling her way around with her tongue.
None of that was helping. John said that the scene was crazy there and nothing was helping. He said that there were cats swinging from ropes in the apartment. He said the smell was so bad he couldn't even think about that stuff. Howard was ready to bail out after that but John was saying that he still wanted to stick it in while he was semi-hard.
Howard got Siobhan back on the phone. She said that she had shoved her hemorrhoid back in after lubing it up. She said that she didn't want to take the penis in unless it was hard. She said that she's never seen a guy's penis go back inside when touching one. Howard had her put John back on the phone and then yelled at him to just get in there and do his thing. He told him to stop being a fag (and laughed as he was saying it) and to just go fuck that thing. That didn't work either.
Howard gave up and told John to at least just free the cats if he's not going to screw that thing. Rev. Bob Levy called in and told John to just go fuck that dude if he wants to come to the Artie roast. He told him to just go fuck that dick-cunt. That wasn't going anywhere either so Bob told him to just go fuck that 1 eared cat.
Gary said that he heard John said that he was willing to let Siobhan blow him. Howard wasn't sure he wanted to hear that. John then offered to lick Siobhan's fake vagina one time. Someone suggested 3 times but Howard was ready to call this whole thing an ''abortion'' and gave up on it. He told John that this segment, just like Siobhan's vagina, is mangled. He said he's going to let this guy into the Artie roast because he did give it a try.
John tried one last time to convince Siobhan to let him stick it in soft. Siobhan said that she won't let him do that because it's obvious that John's penis doesn't want him to. Siobhan agreed to let him rub the soft penis in there because she had a dental dam to use. John saw the hemorrhoid there again so he was freaked out once again.
John asked Siobhan to sit on top of him. Siobhan was yelling at him and not helping things out. She sat on top of him and said that his penis didn't even reach her pussy. John told her to just grab it and shove it in but that wasn't going to happen. Siobhan said that they have to find someone who really wants to do it. Howard told John that it turns out he was normal and he doesn't have to apologize for not getting aroused. He's still going to be invited to the Artie roast.
Howard Talks To Jackie's Mother About Sex. 10/15/97. 8:15am
Not too long ago Howard was wondering if Jackie's mother, being the laid back type of person she is, had ever let her husband in the back door so to speak. He finally made the phone call to her this morning and asked her about it. She said that back in her day they just didn't do things like that. She even said that she never gave her husband oral sex. Howard also spoke to Gary's mother about the same subject. Gary's mother said the same thing. She never gave her husband oral sex. It just wasn't the right thing to do. Later in the show a 68 year old woman called in and said that she thinks women did that stuff back then but they just don't like to talk about it. The woman said that she gave her men oral sex but didn't really talk about it. She wasn't speaking for the mothers of Gary and Jackie but it's possible that they just don't want to talk about it. We may never know the truth.
John Shaw's Popcorn-Out-The-Eye Trick. 2/16/01. 8:10am
This guy John came in this morning to do a trick for Howard. He takes a popcorn kernel and snorts it up his nose. He then works it into his tear duct and out it comes. John came in with two women and they were all dressed like vampires for some reason. One of the girls, Michele, said that they're musicians. She slurred the words and Howard thought she said magicians. She has a tongue piercing that made her slur. Howard asked her why she'd do that to herself if she can't even talk. He spent a couple of minutes talking to her and making fun of the speech impediment.
John told Howard that he does a side show thing in which he does some strange things including the popcorn out of the eye thing. Howard had him do that popcorn thing and gave us a run down on what was going on. You could hear him snort it up his nose. Then Howard said he used his hand to guide the kernel up into his eye duct. When it popped out into his eye everyone let out a ''Oh!'' and freaked out.
John said he also drives nails into his nasal cavity and has audience members pull it out with pliers. He also eats light bulbs. He came prepared to do the light bulb thing so Howard let him do it. He bit the metal part off the bulb and you could hear it pop. He then spent a few minutes chewing up the glass and swallowing it. There was blood coming out of his mouth of course. He washed it down with Windex. Howard found it very disturbing. Crazy Cabbie was loving it. He said he's got a new hero now.
John claims that he reads a lot of medical books and he knows what he's eating won't kill him. He told Howard that he'll drink something after the show to coat the glass so it comes out the other end smoothly.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for the guy. One caller asked if this will be on E! or not. Of course it will. Howard said he's not sure if it should be on E! or the Food Network though.
Speech impediment Michele has her genitals pierced and she hangs stuff from the piercing's. She gave everyone a quick show when she hung a metal stapler from there. Once again everyone let out a gasp.
John will be opening up for the band that Michele and Jessica are in at The Chance Theater in March. You can find out more info at any one of the following sites:
Win A ''Date'' With Porn Star Tabitha Stevens Contest. 9/15/03. 7:50am
Porn Star Tabitha Stevens came in to play a game to give away a ''date'' with her. Howard said they had a bunch of guys coming in to compete against each other to try and win the ''date'' with Tabitha. Howard said they have ''Arnold Schwarzenegger'' coming in as one of the judges. Tabitha came in and Howard said she was looking better than ever. He asked her if she has to drink to do all of these guys she does. She said she doesn't drink all that much and only has drinks once in a while. Howard told Tabitha about what some of these guys were going to be doing.
Tabitha said that she's now a rock star and has started singing for a band. They only do cover songs at this point though. Robin asked her what she's been doing to look so good. She said that she's been loading her head up with Botox.
The judges made their way in a little while later. Actress Cerina Vincent from the movie ''Cabin Fever'' was in as well as Jeff ''The Drunk'' Curro and an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator. Howard spent a little time talking to ''Arnold'' about his run for governor and then spoke to Jeff the Drunk quickly and then spoke to Cerina for a little while. Gary came in a short time later and said that one of the interns recognized Cerina from the movie ''Not Another Teen Movie.'' She also said that she was in ''Son of the Beach'' a couple of times. Howard wasn't even aware of that.
Howard explained to the judges what was going to happen and how they were going to do the contest. He then took a break before getting to the contestants.
After the break, around 9:10am, Howard got back to the game. He said that Tabitha hasn't done a porn movie in over 2 years now. She asked Howard if he thinks she should go for it and make more. Howard told her to go for it because that's what her big talent is. He then moved on to introduce the judges again. He said that Cerina Vincent was hitting on KC during the break. He talked to her about ''Cabin Fever'' and how she gets naked in it (see her naked at MrSkin.com). Howard also spoke to ''Arnold'' a little more about his run for governor. ''Arnold'' said he'd make sure that Tabitha would do a porn movie once a week if he gets elected governor. He joked around with him a little bit and then brought in the first contestant.
The first contestant was calling himself ''Howie Dewitt'' and that he was going to eat a McDonald's McGriddle sandwich out of High Pitch Erik's ass. Erik bailed out on them and didn't show up because he had to work today. Jeff the Drunk was going to fill in for him instead. Howard had Jeff get down on the floor so they could put the McGriddle sandwich in his ass crack for Howie to eat. KC said he thought something might be wrong back there but Jeff said there was nothing wrong. The delay button was getting hit a few times during this segment for some reason. At one point Howard told Tabitha he would handle all of the explicit stuff.
The guys said there was something going on in Jeff the Drunk's pants and he may have had an accident. The guys and Tabitha said they could smell it back there. Jeff ended up cursing at them as they were goofing on him. Tabitha went over to take a look and held her nose as she went over to him. There was mayhem in the studio as Howie said he didn't want to eat more than one bite of the McGriddle since Jeff was such a mess. Tabitha said it was brown back there in Jeff's pants. Jeff was cursing up a storm so Howard had to kick him out of the studio. Howard told him he was going to let Howie stay in because he was willing to eat the thing even though Jeff was a complete mess. Howard had to kick a bunch of guys out of the studio because they were all cursing.
Howard had to give a quick wrap up about what had just happened. He was hitting the delay so much that he was running out and couldn't keep doing it. He said he'd lost control of the show. A short time later Jeff threw his beer at Ronnie the Limo Driver. KC said Tom Chiusano was running after him at that point. Howard tried to regain control of the show after that. Gary came in a short time later and said that Jeff the Drunk threw a full can of beer at their General Manager Tom Chiusano. Howard wasn't throwing him out of the station though. Tom came in and said that Jeff didn't throw the beer at him, he was just walking down the hall and saw Jeff spilling the beer in the hall so he grabbed it and it fell. He didn't have anything thrown at him at all.
Howard said their second contestant was willing to eat dog doody to win the ''date'' with Tabitha Stevens. The guy, Jay, came in and actually had his dog in the studio with him. The doody was from his Black Lab. Jay said this was the first time he's ever done something like this. The guy said he hasn't had sex in a year and a half. Howard said the guy isn't that bad looking so he doesn't know why he hasn't gotten laid. Jay pulled out the doody and got ready to eat it. He then disgusted everyone as he ate the doody. Artie said Benjy threw up when he saw the guy eating it. Howard said the guy deserves to win after doing that. Tabitha said she was impressed with what the guy just did.
Howard said the contest was a little too extreme for him. He took a call a few seconds later from a guy who said he threw up on his lap as he was driving after hearing the guy eating the doody. The guys were talking about Jeff's doody mess and what a nightmare that was. KC came in and said that Jeff was now claiming that it was blood in his underwear and not doody. Howard said they're going to air this whole mess on E! this Friday.
Howard brought in the third contestant, Jay, who was going to eat his friend Carlton's pubic hair. Howard had Carlton cut some pubes off his crotch area and put them on some white bread so Jay could eat it. Howard said that was a pretty extreme thing to do. Jay said he's never done anything like this before. He went ahead and ate the pubic hair sandwich and grossed everyone out. The guys said that Jay was just about ready to throw up as he ate the sandwich. He finished it up a short time later. Howard wondered how he was able to do it. Jay told Howard he drove down from Toronto just to do this. He said he doesn't have any trouble getting girls but this was a special thing for him to do.
Howard said they had to stop the first guy from eating that McGriddle out of Jeff's ass for health reasons. He told the guy that he was going to judge it as if he actually ate it since he was willing to try it. Howard explained what the other two contestants did and then had Cerina vote for the guy she thought should win. Cerina went through all of the guys and picked the dog doody guy as her pick for the winner. Next up was ''Arnold Schwarzenegger'' who also picked the dog doody eater as his winner. The guy who was going to eat the McGriddle was upset that he ''got cheated'' out of the win because Jeff wouldn't hold still long enough for him to eat the sandwich. Howard said he was going to give the two losers $500 each for coming in. The guys also asked to get a preview of what they missed. Tabitha let the guys come over to her and give her a hug. She let them touch her while she was naked as well. She let the dog doody eater come over to her also but told him not to breath on her.
Howard said that he was giving Jeff the Drunk $500 as well. Howie was upset with that because he got screwed in the contest so he figured he should win his money as well. Howard wrapped up the segment right after that and gave everyone plugs for their stuff. Tabitha had 3 sites to promote including TabithaStevens.com, Ten.com and TabithaStevensAndTheSuperSluts.com. Howard took a break right after that.
Vaginosis Discussion. 6/5/00. 8:55am
This woman called in to let Howard know that she was cured of the dreaded Vaginosis. This is when a woman has a stink ''down under'' that can make a man puke. She said her husband used to complain about her stink all the time and would turn on a fan to drive the smell away from his nose while they were having sex. She said she went to a gynecologist who prescribed something called ''L. acidophilus'' or something like that. She said the smell went away in one day. This led to a discussion about the smell and other smells that might accompany it. Howard said that sometimes the ass smell gets mixed in there. KC said that Vaginosis is worse than the smell of ass. Howard told a story about being at Scores getting a lap dance and when the stripper waved her ass in his face he caught a whiff of ass. Doug from E! came in and said that a friend of his picked up a really hot woman one time but when he ''went downtown'' on her he ended up vomiting on her because she smelled so bad.
Joe Jenkins' Human Manure Book. 5/17/99. 7:50am
This guy Joe Jenkins called in to talk about his book ''The Humanure Handbook : A Guide to Composting Human Manure.'' The book tells you how you can use human excrement as fertilizer. He explained to Howard how his family uses their own crap to fertilize their own food. They use special plastic tanks to catch their waste in sawdust. Then they compost it and use it in their garden. Howard took a bunch of phone calls from people who were upset that this guy does such a thing. Most of them said that there are a lot of diseases that can be transmitted through the food that the fertilizer is being used for. Jenkins argued with them but none of them wanted to hear it. You can find out more about Joe and his book at www.jenkinspublishing.com.
Today's show was over around 10:50am.
The Mike Walker Gossip Game. 03/24/06. 9:50am
Howard moved on to Mike Walker a short time later. He asked Mike if he knew what was going on with him. Last week they caught Mike farting off the air and they've been playing it all week long. Mike said that Howard brought up the privacy issue that Howard brought up last week and he's wondering if his privacy is being invaded. Howard told him he had an open mic there so it wasn't hidden or anything like that. Artie was laughing and saying that Mike had to have shit his pants when he farted. He was already laughing and they hadn't even played the fart sound yet.
Mike said that he thinks that Richard is just trying to impress him and maybe this stuff isn't really happening. Howard explained the fart and said that Mike must have pushed this one out so hard. He's not even near the mic and the fart was unbelievable. Howard then played the audio of Mike farting and that got Artie laughing his ass off. Howard played it again and Artie was laughing again. Mike said that he might end up jumping off a balcony from being embarrassed by that fart so much.
Mike was also saying that he couldn't hear the congas being played last week. Howard said they've taken that clip and the fart clip and put them to music. He played some of those for Mike and Artie started laughing his ass off again. They had one to the tune of ''My Sharona'' and another one to the tune of the baseball park theme. There was also one to the tune of The Addams Family theme song. Then there's one of just Mike's congas with his farts thrown in. Artie was laughing so hard he couldn't speak. He said that he was going to pass out from laughing so hard. He thinks that Mike had to have shit his pants. He said he loves Mike and this makes him human to him.
Mike said that if it's that great, why doesn't he get invited to the personal appearances. Artie invited him to a gig he's doing out in Pittsburgh in July. Mike said he might do that. Howard invited him to come in and judge a fart contest they have coming up soon. He's also invited to the Howard Stern Film Festival at the end of April. Artie told Mike they'll also have a bathroom there if he needs to go. Howard played another one of the songs that they put Mike's fart to. He had a whole bunch of them to play and they all had his fart included in them.
Mike asked Howard to say ''allegedly'' before farting because he doesn't remember even playing the congas or farting. Howard had Artie laughing his ass off again when they played AC/DC's ''For Those About to Rock'' with Mike's fart blasting when they said ''FI-AH''
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who wanted to go off on Mark the Bagger. Mark wasn't in there so Artie did his impression of him and had an argument with the guy for a few seconds. Howard told Eric to calm down and that he's not allowed to fight him. Artie went off on him for a short time and then Howard broke the news to him that he was arguing with Artie. Eric said his blood pressure was rising because of all of that. Howard told him to calm down and let him go.
Howard got back to Mike and said that he's one of the most well renowned gossip columnists in the country. Artie added ''Until last week...'' He then went into his Mark the Bagger impression and started goofing on Mike like he was doing with High Pitch. He was on a roll this morning. Artie said that fart was the best thing ever.
Faye Eats Chicken Nugget From Her Sister's Ass. 1/25/01. 8:30am
Two sisters came in this morning to do something very sick so one of them could get breast implants. Bertha and Faye were the sisters. Faye is the one who wants the implants and Bertha was willing to let her eat a chicken nugget from her butt. Howard said that the sisters were two lovely black women. Faye had a hair weave that looked kind of odd according to Howard.
Faye said that she has a very small A-cup right now and she wants to go to a D or a DD cup. Howard told her that she shouldn't go that big because she's a small woman.
Howard asked Bertha if she's ever had any lesbian experiences or anything that would lead her to want to do something like this. She said she hasn't. She has a husband and 4 kids of her own. She's just doing it for her sister.
Dr. Sal Calabro was on the phone to listen in on the event. Sal also suggested that she not go to a huge chest. He said he'll be able to advise her better after he meets her. Howard told Faye that she can only play for a C-cup, nothing bigger.
Howard had Bertha get in position. He said that she has a really nice ass too. Even after 4 kids. She was wearing a g-string so her sister would be able to get to the nugget easier. Faye was very hesitant to do it but with a little bit of nudging from Howard she eventually broke down and went in for the kill. Bertha told Howard that Faye is a vegetarian so eating a nugget isn't right for her. Faye went in and grabbed the nugget with her mouth. Howard just kept saying ''Oh my God!'' as he watched the eating of the nugget. She didn't eat the whole thing because Howard told her she could spit it out. Since she was willing to do this Howard gave her the implants. He then asked each of them what it was like to do this. Bertha said she couldn't feel anything but her sister's nose going in. Faye said that it was like two pillows on her face as she went in. Howard told them that the psychological effects of this horrible experience should wear off in about 6 months. Howard told Dr. Calabro that he won't need to do any liposuction on Faye because she doesn't have any fat on her. You can find out more (and see nude pictures of patients) about Dr. Calabro's work at SalCalabro.com
Denise's Self Castration. 4/18/00. 8:55am
Last week Howard mentioned this web site where he saw pictures of this guy who castrated himself. Today that guy(?) was on the phone to talk about it. Denise, who was born David, was on the phone and sounded a little bit like a woman. He explained that he's on his way to being a transsexual but the operations are very expensive. That's why 3 years ago he cut off his own balls. He explained how he used a rubber band to cut off the circulation to the sack then put his nuts in a bowl of ice to kill the testicles. He kept them in there for 8 hours then used scissors to cut them off! Howard was cringing just hearing this guy talk about doing this. He then called an ambulance to bring him to the hospital to make sure he didn't bleed to death.
Howard took a bunch of calls from listeners and most of the guys that called in asked him to get this guy off the air. The discussion was too uncomfortable for most guys.
Denise said that the hospital was unable to reattach the testicles because he'd already killed them by icing them down and cutting off the circulation. They wouldn't allow him to keep his own nuts either. Howard was checking out the pictures that are on his web site the whole time. He asked if he's going to cut off his penis because it looks pretty big. Denise is working on raising the $15,000 needed for the operation and has about half of it so far. The penis will be history when he gets the money. Howard noticed that Denise has breasts so he asked him if they're implants. Denise claims that they're not fake, they're hormone induced DD-cup's. Robin said they look like cucumbers though.
Peeing in a diaper...continued. 8/23/96.
Yesterday Howard somehow got the notion to pee in an adult diaper. He didn't get to it yesterday but early this morning Gary brought in some Depends adult diapers for everyone to pee in. When Gary opened the package he noticed that there was only one strap to hold up the diaper. So he had to send Grillo out to get a package for each person that was going to test out the things. So after a while Howard came back and said that they all had on a different type of diaper. The other one's were for ''spotting'' not for pissing yourself totally. So now they had on Genovese brand diapers. Jackie, Gary and Howard all had on these adult diapers. I don't know about Fred (Eric). Gary was the first to wet himself. He just stood there with a funny look on his face wetting his diaper while Jackie cackled. Jackie said that he could see a movement in Gary's diaper when he let loose. When he was done he went running off to the bathroom to clean himself up. Once he was out of the room Fred said that he could smell Gary's stinky pee. Howard said that he probably wouldn't be able to wet himself because he felt so dirty doing it. Eventually Jackie also let loose in his diaper. He said it felt like he was going on forever and he was filling up the diaper. Gary told Jackie that he's got more room in the diaper than he thinks. Jackie actually had to stop himself from peeing because of it. Howard never did piss himself. Too shy I guess... This all happened before Miss Teen USA was supposed to come in by the way.
Bathroom Stories. 3/10/03. 9:05am
Gary had a story of his own to tell about it. Gary did an appearance over the weekend and when he left he had to take a crap. He asked the car service driver to pull over. He went into a bathroom and took his crap. He heard footsteps come in and the guy says ''P-U. Smells like a Baba Booey doo-doo in here!'' Gary asked the guy why he couldn't just take a dump alone. Gary didn't understand why the guy came in to smell his shit. He said he was really humiliated. Howard said that his body shuts down so efficiently that he doesn't have to crap when he's out. He said he's always able to wait until he gets home. That led to everyone telling stories of having to crap someplace. Howard said your brain can control that stuff though. Robin said he may be hurting himself by doing that stuff. Gary made sure Howard has never had to do that. He asked him a couple of questions and Howard swears he never has. Artie said when he worked construction, he had to crap in a spackle bucket sometimes. Gary said he had a buddy who worked construction and sometimes he'd open a closed spackle bucket and it would be filled with crap. Robin said she's able to hold it in until she gets off airplanes. She said she once filled her panty hose with crap accidentally. Artie said he thought about crapping himself while on a flight because he didn't want to use the bathroom. He said he thought about it for about 10 minutes but ended up using the John. KC came in and said a woman changed her kid's diaper on the tray table on a flight he was on recently. He said she should have gotten a ticket or something. KC talked about how he has pissed in a Gatorade bottle while driving in a car. Howard said he's pissed in a bottle in the limo too. He said he pours it on the street when he's done. He said his daughter did it once while he held the bottle. Howard told the guys that Ronnie has crapped in a box. He said he took a crap in a box as he was waiting for a Rabbi to show up. He was in the middle of taking a crap when the Rabbi showed up and knocked on the window. He took the box out the other side and put it in the trunk.
Gary retold the story where he had an accident in his underwear when he farted one time. He took the underwear and threw it in the garbage. He said what was even grosser was when he picked up the dirty towels in the trash to cover his crap stained underwear. Artie told the guys the story where he went out to crap in the woods but accidentally crapped in the ''bridge'' of his underwear. He pulled them back up and sat in the crap. The guys in the car with him could smell it. He also told the story of how he had to leave his pants in a yard one time because he'd crapped himself. KC told a story about his buddy crapping in a cup and leaving it in Reverend Bob Levy's hotel room. KC said they hid it in a corner. He eventually found it and told them to get it out of there. KC said it was ''steamin up'' and it was great. Gary then told the guys about going on the road with Jackie one time and he was in a hotel room taking a dump while he listened to the other guys talking. Gary said Jackie held a match as he told a story.
Artie was on flight one time with movie reviewer Joel Siegel. Siegel asked to borrow Artie's paper and took it to the bathroom with it. Artie said he was in there for like 20 minutes and all he could think was he was getting his crap all over the paper. Artie said he didn't touch the paper after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said many years ago he was a wrestler in school. He'd take a bunch of laxatives and during a match, he ended up crapping himself when the other guy squeezed him. KC said he's seen that happen before. The guy went on to say that he lost the match and the crap got all over the other guy and all over him. He said no one ever said a word about it either. That led to Gary telling a story about how he was taking a dump once and his doorbell rang. He thought he was done but he must have had a hanger. He said he ran down to get the door and told the kid selling magazines that he wasn't interested. When he turned around, he saw crap footsteps leading back to the bathroom. Gary said he told his wife that he'd stepped in dog crap. Gary told the guys another story about a landscaping guy who crapped in the lawn behind his house while he was having a picnic. Gary said he told the owner of the landscaping business about it but the guy just laughed at him.
Howard took a call from a woman who used to be a manager of a Victoria's Secret store. They had to clean it up one day and she found a pair of panties with a big doody in them. She said someone must have stolen a pair and threw those under the table. Howard said that was quick thinking for whoever did that.
Artie wondered if any of the guys ever just thought about taking a crap while sitting there watching TV. Everyone said ''No!'' to that. Artie said he's thought about it but never did. Howard asked him if he's ever worn an adult diaper so he could crap himself. Howard told Artie about the time they all wore diapers and tried to go in them. He said Gary had a really funny look on his face when he did it. Howard also brought up how Tiny Tim used to wear adult diapers all the time because he thought underwear was unsanitary. Howard took another break shortly after that.
Howard's Mail. 08/02/05. 7:00am
Howard asked Artie if he ever sleeps with Dana when she's on her period. Artie said he has done it but he doesn't like to do it during that time. Howard said he's done it and he'll only skip about 2 days and then he'll get right back in the saddle again. Artie said he tries to avoid it when it's going on. Robin said she doesn't have that anymore so it's not an issue for her. They were talking about menopause and the delay was hit at least one time. She was apparently talking about being a bit ''dry'' down there since the menopause thing. She has to keep a bottle of lube around.
Sal came in and asked Howard a question about doing Beth while she's on her period. Delay hit. Howard said he has done that and came out looking like a clown. Fred was also saying that he doesn't care about the period thing. He said he'll do it as long as the woman doesn't have a limb hanging off or anything like that. Sal was saying that he's always freaked out when he goes into the bathroom and looks down to see the mess down there. Howard told him to not look if he's that freaked out by it.
A Spoon Full Of Boogers Helps The Music Get Played! 4/16/99. 6:55am
The drummer from an instrumental band by the name of Buddha Thai called in recently and offered to eat Gary's boogers if Howard would play their song on the air. He came down this morning and did just that. He also said he'd like Jackie to fart in his face at the same time but instead they brought back Stephanie Evens the queefing chick from yesterday. Howard wanted to get this done quickly before he puked so he had Stephanie rip a couple of queefs and farts in this guy Jimmy's face. Then Gary spoon fed him the boogers he'd picked earlier in the morning. The guy gulped them down and everyone in the studio gagged at the sight of it. Jimmy washed it down with some soda. Howard ended up playing quite a bit of the song but he told Jimmy that they really should have some kind of vocals. Stephanie then started queefing and farting along to the song and it actually made it better. The music wasn't bad but it did need some vocals.
Scott Eats Ice Cream Out Of Crazy Cabbie's Ass. 2/9/01. 9:15am
Crazy Cabbie came in this morning as a volunteer to have ice cream eaten out of his ass crack. This guy Scott wanted to have his band's song played on the air so this is what he had to do to get that done. Cabbie laid down on his stomach on a mat while KC attempted to pour an ice cream sundae into his ass crack. Howard was laughing as KC tried to do it because it wasn't going in the right place. Howard had to go over and dump it in himself. He wasn't having much luck either so Robin came over to help. They finally got the ice cream in there and everyone was laughing hysterically.
Cabbie said he didn't shower before this and he took two dumps this morning. Howard said he could smell Cabbie's ass as he dumped the ice cream in there. Howard topped it off with a cherry and told Scott to go for it. As Scott went in everyone was laughing, yelling and screaming. Scott said he was feeling queasy as he got up from it. Howard said it was the funniest thing he's ever seen. He was also feeling kind of sick to his stomach.
Cabbie stood up and ice cream was dripping from his shorts and ass. He had to wipe down with a towel. He then revealed that he had in fact showered this morning.
Howard took some phone calls and a few people told Howard he's gone too far now. Some people told Howard this was really gay and everyone in the studio must be gay to have watched this. Howard watched the replay and said that Scott went in between Cabbie's legs. He even held his hips as he bent down to eat the ice cream.
Howard then played Scott's song for everyone. The song he played was actually good and it surprised everyone. Scott said that his band Gloritone used to have a record deal but the company went under and now they don't have a deal. Howard played the whole song through and enjoyed most of it. Scott told him that it was just a demo version of the song that was recorded in their rehearsal studio. Howard suggested that they change the name of the band but the song was really good. You can get more info about them at Gloritone.com.
A short time after playing the song Howard got a call from John Tita from Warner/Chapell Records. John said that the band was really good and he wants Scott to give him a call. So the ass eating wasn't a waste of time for him. He's got a record company guy calling already and some fans were already asking how to get their CD.
After taking a break Howard was talking about watching the video during the break. Howard said you could see Cabbie's ''mangina'' in the tape and it was disturbing. KC said it was really messed up when you saw the chocolate sauce running down his taint. Howard said this inspires him to get his web site up and running soon. He wants to be able to put this stuff where people can see it unedited.
Wolfpac Band Member, Tiny, Eats Bull Parts. 8/23/01. 8:45am
This guy Tiny from the band Wolfpac came in this morning to promote his band. Tiny is anything but ''tiny.'' He's a big fat guy who has been on the show a couple of times in the past. He wanted to come on one time and have his penis split in two for Howard. They couldn't allow that to happen there though so Tiny had to come up with something else to get on. He offered to eat bull penis, heart and eyeballs to get the album played on the show. Howard quickly spoke to Tiny and Big Daddy for a second about why Tiny wants to do this. They just want to get their album played, simple as that. Tiny had the eyeballs to eat first. They were uncooked and he chewed one up like it was a meatball. He said it was like runny eggs or something. Then he tried to eat the bull penis, uncooked. It was a little too tough. It was quite large according to Howard. Then Tiny tried to eat the heart but that was even worse than the penis. He did manage to get a piece of that down but it sounded like he was about to puke it back up. Howard saw that the guy was dedicated to his band enough so he played their song on the air. The guys described their music as ''hard core hip-hop.'' Howard and all of the guys were talking over their music so it wasn't easy to hear it but they claim they made a video for the song and they're hoping MTV will play it. You can check them out at SugarDaddyRecords.com.
Summer The Chick VS Sidney The Dog. 9/7/00. 7:30am
This woman Summer called in recently saying that she'd do anything to get on the show to promote her web site. They came up with the idea to have her compete against a dog in a food eating contest. Both of them would eat out of dog bowls. Howard had his dog's half-sister Sidney come in for the competition. Howard played with the dog for a minute before bringing in Summer. When Summer came in Howard said she was pretty cute. KC had told him that she wasn't so he was surprised when she was. So Howard explained everything to her and said that she'd be naked during the competition. Summer didn't want to be totally naked so she was just topless. Mike Gange came in and got the bowls ready. On the count of 3 Gange set the bowls down and the two of them went at it. Summer was winning for a minute but there was so much food to eat that she couldn't keep up. The dog eventually won. Summer was such a good sport that Howard let her plug her site anyway. She had corned beef hash all over her face. She couldn't eat it all so she had to spit it out. She wanted to kiss Howard but he wouldn't let her. He did let her hug him before she left though. The web site, WowWorkouts.com, features women working out totally naked. Summer is one of the women.
Steve O From MTV's ''Jackass'' Comes In. 5/20/02. 8:55am
Steve O from MTV's ''Jackass'' TV show came in to do a few stunts for Howard. He was on the show back in January when he swallowed a few goldfish and vomited some of them back up for Howard. He also had his girlfriend staple his nut sack to his thigh which freaked everyone out. Today he returned to freak everyone out a little more. His girlfriend Dee came along again this time too. Steve told Howard he hasn't really seen her since the last time they were on the show. They had a big blow out after the last appearance for some reason. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the two of them before Steve got to his stunts. Dee was drunk already this morning so she was almost falling asleep on the couch while Howard was talking to Steve.
Howard gave Steve a plug for his uncensored video ''Don't Try This At Home'' that's available at SteveoVideo.com. He then let Steve O do his stunts. He first did a beer shot off of his forehead. He put beer in a shot glass, laid on his back, picked it up with his knees and licked it out of the glass like a dog. He then did a nostril beer bong. He stuck a tube up his nose and drained a beer up through his nose. He then took an earthworm and snorted it up his nose and hacked it out into his mouth and out. Dee was cheering him on the whole time.
Steve then said he's reinvented this trick where people eat light bulbs. Dee took her top off for the trick because she rolls a pool ball off of her rack and onto Steve's forehead where the light bulb is sitting. She did that and the bulb smashed. Steve then took a piece of the bulb and told Howard that most people don't prove that the glass is sharp... as he sliced the letter V into his tongue. Howard begged him to stop over and over again but Steve just kept doing it. He then chewed up the glass and chased it down with some Jack Daniels.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Dee. He found out that Dee has gotten banged by Henry Rollins so he spent a short time talking to her about that. Then Howard heard that Dee was badmouthing his next guest. She was saying something about her not being all that hot. The woman, Mandy, is the sister of the bassist from the band KoRn. Mandy came in and had a few words with Howard but then she walked out when John Stamos called in.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Stamos about this interview he did with Chaunce Hayden. He told John he doesn't want to be friends with him anymore but John defended himself saying that his comments were taken out of context. He claims he never said that the story was a lie, it was just exaggerated. Howard ended that call after a few minutes and moved on to talk to Mandy.
Paris Gables Pukes On Jeff Levy. 05/24/06. 8:10am
Howard had Paris Gables come in. He said that she contacted them and said that she was up for just about anything on the show and that she likes being choked and stuff. She demonstrated that she can choke herself with her own hair and made a strange gagging noise as she did it.
Howard said that Jeff Levy the vomit guy was there to get puked on by Paris. She's going to puke on him and then eat it off of him. She said she's actually done that before. She said that she was giving a really rough blow job and ended up throwing up on the guy so she just ate it off of him.
Paris said that her mother used to make her listen to Howard's show when she was a little kid. She grew up fine and went to college in Santa Barbara. She said that if she hadn't gone to school there she probably wouldn't have gotten into porn. She said that college there was like porn boot camp for her.
Paris was telling Howard that she has eaten live earthworms before but she puked them back up so she wouldn't kill them. Howard read that she can put her own fist in her ass and she's done some ''blow-bang'' movies. Paris said that it's not that easy to put your fist in your ass. She said that the thumb is the toughest part of getting it in there.
Robin asked Paris if she's making good money doing what she does. She said that she does make good money but didn't want to say exactly how much she makes. Howard wanted to know if she made at least $100,000 a year but she would only say that it depends on what she's doing.
Howard was having trouble getting any information out of Paris. He asked her about having sex with a guy who calls himself Mandingo and if it hurt. She said that it only hurt her pussy because her ass can spread so much more than her vagina.
Gary asked Paris why she was warming up in the green room with the vibrator. She said she wasn't sure if she was going to be riding the Sybian today or not so she was getting ready for that. She wanted to ride it so Howard was going to have her do that before she puked on Jeff Levy.
Howard played a clip from ''Extreme Teen 37'' where Paris was blowing a guy and after he finished, she puked it back up. Howard wondered who likes to see stuff like that. Gary said that Sal would probably watch it and say that he likes it because it humiliates the chick in the movie. He likes stuff like that.
Howard asked Paris how many times a day she jerks off. She said ''lots'' and sometimes it's 5 or 6 times a day. She said she just did it last night in the bathroom. Artie heard that and said ''let's fuck...''
Howard had the guys bring in Jeff Levy so they could meet. This was his first appearance on satellite radio. Howard told Jeff that he's the most disgusting guest he's ever had on the show and he thinks there's something deeply wrong with him. Jeff said that his puke thing is just a fetish and it's not all that strange to him. He said he wants to be the coach of girls vomiting.
Howard said that Jeff looks like a slightly retarded Vin Diesel. Jeff said he doesn't think he's in that bad of shape. He also told Howard that this is a normal thing down in Brazil and he's seen many movies from Brazil where guys get Roman Showers from women.
Jeff said that he has a girlfriend who he doesn't have sex with... Howard wondered why he would have a relationship with someone he doesn't have sex with. Jeff said he's made a commitment to her and he takes her out on dates and stuff but she won't puke on him or anything like that.
Howard told Jeff that Paris was willing to puke on him and then eat it off of him. Jeff seems to be very happy with that offer. He doesn't think that he can get aroused in the studio for that but he would give it a try. Howard asked Paris if she was ready to go. She said ''I think so...'' Jeff offered to stick his finger in her mouth but she said she would just fist her own throat to make herself puke.
Howard asked Paris if she was into this. She said it was pretty hot that someone is that into seeing her puke. Artie said he would try to watch but he usually turns away after the puking starts. Howard had the guys get into place and described Jeff's belly hanging over his pants.
Paris was going to stay in her clothes but the In Demand guys thought that she should get naked. Sal came in with a plastic dildo for her to use to make herself puke. Jeff told her to start off wherever she wanted and spread it down his body as she puked. Paris said that she had eaten some pretzels, beer and coffee for breakfast so she was ready to puke.
Paris got naked and Howard said he liked her little boobs. Gary said they were nice too. He asked her if she was going to get implants. She said she likes them the way they are so she's going to leave them alone. Paris got right into the puking and stuck the dildo down her throat. She puked up something but she's not very loud when she does it. It just sounded like a gurgling noise coming out of her mouth.
Gary was dry heaving and refused to look at it because he was going to throw up. He was choking and coughing, then Richard threw up on Jeff. Howard was laughing his ass off and so was Jeff. Paris said that the salad that she ate on the airplane yesterday actually came up. She couldn't believe that it hadn't digested yet.
Howard asked Jeff if he got excited during the puking. Jeff said he did. Richard told Howard he was watching in his studio so he ran in and gave Jeff a little extra. Jeff said he was surprised by that but he didn't really mind it. Howard wanted to wrap Jeff up in plastic and get him out of there.
Paris wasn't going to lick that up off of him because it was warm... but she went right in and started to lick it up. Richard started to puke again so Howard was laughing his ass off. Paris was grossed out by that so she puked again herself. Will was dry heaving after seeing all of that.
Jeff was asking for women to contact him if they want to vomit on him. Paris said that she could urinate on Jeff if he was into that too. Howard asked her to please not do that. He took a phone call from a guy who said that this was pretty gross. Howard had to wrap up after that and said he wasn't going to have Paris ride the Sybian. He went to break right after that.
In the clip the caller told Howard about how he was out water skiing when he hit some barb wire fence that was near the water. Howard and the guys were goofing on the caller about the whole thing. The caller said he lost his penis and it was never found. That made the guys laugh. They would make fun of just about anything the guy would say about his penis getting cut off.
Howard asked the guy how women react to his missing penis and things like that. They were making it sound like she takes off in a car as soon as she finds out. Fred played a bunch of sound clips as they were talking about that.
Howard asked the guy if he looked at his damaged penis before he went to the hospital. The guy said he did and it took about 10 minutes to get back to the dock. They spent a few minutes talking about what happened to the guy and Howard continued to goof on the guy's situation. Howard and Stuttering John talked about getting theirs stuck in their zippers before wrapping up.
Dr. Loren Ritter AKA Dr. Doody. 7/18/00. 7:20am
Back in 1998 Howard spoke to Dr. Loren Ritter about his colon cleanser. You may remember him talking about how people have ''5 foot long bowel movements'' after taking his product. Dr. Doody called in again this morning to promote his ''Healthy Colon Body Cleanse'' once again. He told Howard about how over the years people get a build up of pesticides and preservatives in their intestines and his body cleanser will help remove it. By the way, Dr. Doody is not a medical doctor, he's a Naturepathic Doctor. After speaking to Dr. Ritter for a minute Howard remembered why he liked him so much. He's very passionate about his doody talks. He really wants to help people clear their bowels.
Crazy Cabbie called in for some advice about some problems he has with his bowel movements. He said that he has blood in his movements sometimes and wonders if that is a problem. Dr. Ritter said that he would like to get him on his product before Cabbie becomes one of the 272,000 cases of colon cancer. Cabbie also complained about having ''green Doody'' sometimes. Dr. Ritter, once again, said that he'd like to get him on the colon cleanser.
KC also has problems with the green crap. Howard figures that's just because he's too stupid to doot in the right color.
Just about everyone came in with a question about their doody. Gary and Stuttering John both had dopey questions. Dr. Doody spoke quite a bit about the ''5 foot long'' doodies and how you can have one also. He wants everyone on the show to try this stuff so that might happen in the near future. Howard says he's afraid to try it. If you want to try it just call 800-218-0820. I believe he gave out a web site address but it was kind of unclear due to delay button hits. I think the site was at HealthFairy.com
Delroy, the garden hose high colonic guy, calls back. 6/10/96.
This guy called in last week to tell his horrible story about putting a garden hose up his ass to give himself a high colonic. When he did this, the water pressure supposedly popped his navel out and sprung a leak. No one really believed his story and no one was there at the hospital to confirm the story...until today that is. Delroy's doctor was on the phone and pretty much confirmed his story. He said that Delroy's navel had been popped out and he had surgery to repair it. The doctor said that he couldn't say what really happened since he wasn't with Delroy when he did it but it was very possible that the story was true. Howard had his own theory. He said that Delroy probably just wanted some kind of sexual enjoyment from the hose but it got a little out of hand and when he went to the hospital he had to come up with an excuse. Robin had the same feeling about the story.
More Various Stuff. 3/26/02. 8:45am
Howard had audio from a 1950's training movie about women's periods. In the movie a young girl asks her mother and father about periods and whether or not all women get them. The acting in the movie is awful but funny. Howard saw the film and said it's pretty funny. The woman shows her daughter her sanitary pad with blood on it but you don't see that on camera. The mother keeps telling the girl that her period comes from ''an opening between her legs'' over and over again. She shows the daughter how to use the sanitary pad the right way. The daughter, who is about 8 according to Howard, takes down her panties to try out using a sanitary pad. (Available on Amazon.com ''The Educational Archives, Vol. 1 - Sex & Drugs)
Robin wanted to know if this movie was for retarded people because they talk about this stuff like the girl is retarded. It's not but Howard said he has another tape of a sex training film for retarded people that's even more disturbing than this one.
Today's Grossest Week Ever was over around 10:45am.
Howard's Clogged Toilet Story. 6/6/01. 6:55am
Comedian Dave Chappelle came in this morning just in time for Howard to tell a story about clogging a toilet. Howard explained how he had a bunch of things to do after the show yesterday and as he was about to get started he realized he had to take a dump. He said that he had people from the King World syndication company waiting as well as Anne Marie the office manager waiting for him. He excused himself and went to his private bathroom in the studio. He said he hadn't gone in 2 days for some reason and it was time to go. He felt that it was a huge movement so he had to check it out in the bowl. He said it was huge and it was almost ''crawling out'' of the toilet. He tried flushing it down but it was stuck. There was no plunger in the bathroom so he had to figure out how to get it down. He was freaking out because it's his bathroom and there's no escape. There's not even a fan to get rid of the stink. He ended up trying to push the mess down the toilet with a toilet paper roll. That didn't work. He soon discovered an aerosol can that might work. He didn't want to get any dirt on the can so he had to cover it with something. He used a Dixie cup like a condom on the can. He ended up pushing the mess down enough that it eventually let loose and flushed everything down. He said when he looked at his watch it had been 20 minutes since he went in.
Howard came out and was so freaked out by the whole experience that he doesn't know what he agreed to in the TV show meeting he had with the King World people. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said he could tell something was up because Howard was so angry the whole time. Howard said the whole crew ended up having their meeting in the studio but the stink never made it out of the bathroom. He did notice that one of his fingers stunk. He kept smelling all of his fingers wondering which ones stunk but it was only one.
Jessica Hahn called in and gave Howard some advice about flushing big dumps. She said boiling water works but Howard doesn't have access to that in his bathroom. She has experience with big messes because Sam Kinison once crapped all over a hotel room. She had to clean that up so she knows more that she should. None of her advice would have helped Howard though.
Toilet Paper Expert Ken Fishberg Calls In. 8/21/01. 7:35am
This guy Ken Fishberg called in to talk about his web site ToiletPaperWorld.com. He sells toilet paper if you couldn't figure it out from the name of the web site. Howard was talking to this guy but, because of the content, the delay button kept getting hit on him. Half of the god damn conversation was cut out by Andre the censor. Howard was talking about the pre-moistened toilet paper but while he was talking about his wiping habits, the delay was hit. He tried talking about the many different things people have used through the years for wiping, more delay button hits. He spoke to the guy about the different ways people either wad up or fold their paper, more delay hits. Howard was talking about how he wipes from back to front, which no one does according to most of the crew, and... more delay hits. He seemed to be able to talk about the way people wipe over in the Arab and Indian countries without too much censoring. They all discussed how the Arabs use their left hand to wipe with. No paper either. They just wash off their hand. Same thing in India. They wipe with their hand and rinse in a bucket of water.
Everyone was amazed that Howard wipes from back to front when everyone else wipes from front to back. Howard said he just wasn't taught the correct way and now he's wondering how his parents wipe. He said he'd call them after the Henry Rollins interview.
Richard Pees In A Diaper, It Overflows. 05/05/08. 8:25am
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made using Riley Martin audio clips. Howard came back a short time later while Fred was playing ''Iron Man.'' That led to Howard talking about how great the movie ''Iron Man'' was.
He said he read a review of the Sex and the City movie and it was very good. He said he liked the TV show. Howard said that he hopes that the movie is good because he did like the TV show so much. Artie said he hated the show because it was sickening to him. He said that he doesn't hate women but that show was just awful and so phony.
Howard said that he likes to look at Sarah Jessica Parker. Artie said he did too... 20 years ago. Howard said that he would be a guy who would go to see that movie. Artie said that he's put up with Howard watching a bunch of bad shows like Dawson's Creek.
Gary told Howard that Richard was about to come in to pee in his diaper. He said that he had to burst because he hadn't peed yet. Richard came right in and started to go in the diaper. Richard said he hopes it's super absorbent because he had to go so much.
Richard started to overflow so they kicked him out of the studio. Richard figured it wasn't the super absorbent kind. He said that he needed a bucket or something. Robin said that she's not sure why she continues to work there.
Howard asked Richard if he likes peeing in a diaper. Richard said he does but he'd have to get better ones to wear to a concert. They spent a short time talking about what Richard did at the Coheed and Cambria concert. The guys were getting kind of freaked out by the dripping pee so Artie told him to get the fuck out of there.
Howard had Richard put on another diaper to soak up the rest of the pee. Richard had to put on the diaper just so he could leave the studio. Howard asked Richard how he shaves his balls. Richard told him how he pulls on his balls and then uses an electric shaver.
Howard asked Artie if he wanted to throw something at Richard. Artie said he'd love to. Artie told Richard to get the fuck out of there. Howard told him to leave too so Richard finally left.
Howard said that Richard's poor girlfriend has to put up with that stuff. Artie said that he talked to Ralph about that off the air and Ralph thinks that he's really retarded.
Richard Christy's Poor Hygiene. 04/26/06. 6:15am
Richard Christy came in and told Howard that he didn't know he was getting two passes so he has an extra one to give away. Howard said he can bring Neil Drake if that's the case. Richard said he knows that people are going to be real hot for that ticket. Howard said that if there are any girls out there who want to get that ticket, they can come in and give Richard sex or something. Richard was up for that.
Artie asked Richard if he has brushed his teeth since he bit the head off of the fish. Richard said he brushed them that night. That got Howard talking about how many problems Richard has had with his teeth and how you'd think he'd be brushing about 4 times a day after having so many cavities... 22 cavities in all. Richard said that when he flosses his teeth it smells like something died because he has a wisdom tooth that's dying and has to be pulled. He said he used to be jealous of his father because he didn't have any teeth and could brush his false teeth in the sink. Howard and Artie goofed on Richard a little after hearing that. They did their impressions of him and made fun of his accent.
Richard said he thinks he brushed his teeth a total of 4 times when he was in high school. He also said he took showers just a couple of times a week. It's been a few days since he showered this week. Artie wondered how often he shits and doesn't shower. Richard said it's a couple of times. Richard said he sometimes he runs his finger along his right ball and smells it because the cheese builds up down there. He also said that he'll smell his underwear after a couple of days when it gets smelly because it smells kind of like a woman.
Howard asked Richard if he's still beating off every Friday night. He said he has to be really careful since he was living with Will for a while. Will is out now so Richard is back to being alone in the apartment. He said he's cleaning up the apartment and fixing it up now.
Richard let Howard know that he didn't brush his teeth this morning so Howard wondered how he can go through the day without doing that. Richard said they still feel kind of fresh the morning after he brushes them so he doesn't bother.
Howard said that guys who are in prison take more pride in their hygiene than Richard does. He told him he should work on that and keep himself clean. Richard said there were times when he was living in the warehouse down in Florida when he figured he didn't need to bother brushing his teeth.
Gary came in and said that Oral B has this thing where you can brush your teeth with a brush that goes on your finger so Richard could do that at work. Richard said he's seen people using them before. He didn't sound like he was going to get right on that though.
The guys were talking about that womanly smell that Richard was talking about. Howard said he knows what he meant by that smell. He's caught a whiff like that before. They were also talking about how some women are really smelly down there. Howard was also talking about his pubic hair and how some of them are longer than his penis is. He's also got hair growing on his shaft that he needs to trim.
Artie said it's funny how Richard won't brush his teeth or shower but he will shave down his bush. Howard said he asked Ralph to show him the top of his bush the other day because he wants his own to look proper. Ralph got all freaked out and didn't show it to him so he knows that Ralph isn't gay. Robin wondered if Howard would be able to tweeze out the hairs on his shaft. He told her he's not sure he could do that. Artie and Richard both said that they've cut their balls when trimming their bushes before. Howard has never done that to himself.
Bam And Missy Margera And Brandon Novak Visit. 11/19/08. 8:05am
Howard asked Missy if she's happy doing this stuff. She said she loves it and it's never boring. Gary came in and said that Novak is willing to do just about anything for money. He said that if they offered him $100 he might lick Richard's taint. Novak said he'd do it and he didn't even know who he was. Artie started laughing his ass off when he thought Novak said the N-word about Richard. It turns out he said ''minger'' which they had to explain to the guys.
Richard came in and said that he didn't know what he was going to get out of this taint licking. Howard said he'd give both of them $250 courtesy of ManGroomer.com. Novak said that he would even take a stroke or two for that money. Richard said he wasn't going to let him blow him. Novak was ready to do it and kept telling Richard to drop his pants.
Bam told Novak not to hold back when he goes in there. He told him he should be naked too. Bam said he'd throw in another 30 bucks. Missy gave him another 5. Novak said he was going right in there for his asshole. He went right in and everyone was going nuts in the studio when they saw it. Bam and Missy were laughing.
Artie said that it looked like a naked heroin addict raping Richard. They showed the replay on Howard TV and had Novak laughing at himself. Novak told everyone to buy his book, ''Dreamseller,'' after that.
Sarah Silverman Sniffs Richard Christy's Balls, Almost Pukes. 10/03/07. 9:35am
After the break we heard a clip of Leelee Sobieski reading poetry on the Tonight Show. Howard came back and said that he doesn't think she's been in any movies since she did that. He had the guys bring Sarah Silverman in since she was returning to smell Richard's balls. She was on the show on Monday and said she wanted to do that so they brought her back a few days later so Richard could work up a bigger stink.
Howard asked Sarah if she was wearing that outfit to The View today. He didn't seem that impressed with the look. Sarah said she got dressed up last night for David Letterman. She said that this is daytime TV she's doing today so she's a little more covered up for that. Howard said that it was actually a good look for the ball sniffing thing.
Howard asked Sarah if she would drop Jimmy Kimmel if she could get Letterman. She said ''probably'' but it would be nice to get both coasts and have both of them.
Howard said that he's not liking this sweater look on Sarah and she should have something sexier. Sarah said that the dress she wore last night was the same one she wore at the awards show she did. Howard said he knows that Teddy has a crush on Sarah and he made sure to hide out in the hallway when she showed up today. Sarah wondered if she should fuck him. Artie told her not to because that would take his mind off of work.
Howard asked Sarah if she's not going to dress up sexy anymore when they go on vacation from now on. Sarah said that she doesn't think she ever will. Howard said she always covers up when she's out even if it's warm out. Sarah said that she just wanted to smell Richard's balls and not talk about this stuff.
Howard gave Sarah a plug for her show that airs tonight on Comedy Central at 10:30. He then had Richard come in to fill Sarah in on what he had done since Monday to make his balls stink. Howard asked Sal to write down what he smelled in the past when he was near Richard's balls.
Howard showed Sarah a tape that the Howard TV guys got of Richard working out and getting all sweaty to make his balls really smelly. Sarah said she'd love it if the fans could see this right as she was seeing it. After all of that Richard squeezed the ball sweat off his balls and drank it. Sarah started to dry heave when she saw that. She didn't think it was real but Howard told her it was definitely real. Richard said that it was about 90 degrees in his apartment when he was doing that. He made sure he was as hot as possible during that work out.
Howard had Richard spread his legs for Sarah. She said she was going to stay about 12 inches away from him and take a sniff. Howard told Sarah to go over to Richard who had been wearing the same underwear since Monday. He has taken 3 or 4 shits, masturbated about 3 times and he's sweat a lot since Sunday when he last showered. He said he usually changes his underwear every 2 or 3 days.
Howard asked Sarah what she thinks of Richard's penis. She said that this isn't that crazy, they do stuff like this in the writing sessions for her TV show. She said that they've been spinning their wheels a lot lately and that's what they do. Sarah noticed that Richard has some odd things on his asshole. Richard said he thinks that it's from wiping too hard and showed her how they disappear when he pushes out. He showed it but the pussy lips on his asshole didn't go away according to the guys in there.
Richard said that this is real bravery for Sarah to do something like this. She couldn't get past the look of his asshole and kept asking him about that. Will could smell Richard but Sarah hadn't gotten a sniff yet. Then she dry heaved all of a sudden when she did catch a whiff. She didn't think she'd gag but she did. She then went in for another smell and said that she could smell something. She said that she was writing it down and then gagged again. She almost threw up for real. She was coughing and dry heaving more after she moved away.
Sarah described the smell as sour dough, yeasty dough mixed with mayonnaise that was left in a 1970s car trunk for a year with gym socks in the trunk. Sal then came in and said that it smelled like ass, cheese, sour milk and a couple of other things. Howard said he might have to smell it himself. Richard said that would be the ultimate. Howard said he might puke if he does it.
Sarah told Howard he has to do it and go in to smell it. She said that he doesn't have to get close, he can stay far away and still smell it. Howard asked Robin if she'd do it if he did it. Sal said that he'd do it. Artie said they know that he'd do it. Robin said she took Richard's temperature so she doesn't have to do this. Fred asked Sarah if she'd do it again now that she knows the smell. Sarah said she probably wouldn't do it again. She said she'd do it and she did it like she said she would.
Howard said he was going to do it but he didn't know why. yesterday he let a Psychic Mad Man burn him and today he's sniffing balls. Richard said that he never dreamed that the great Howard Stern would be sniffing his balls. Sarah said she wants a picture of this so bad. Howard described what he was seeing on Richard's balls and there was some white stuff there. He wondered if it was cum or something. Richard said it might be a cheese type product.
Howard went in for the smell and Howard started to gag. Everyone in the studio started laughing and Howard said that he stunk worse than a fucking dog. He said he wanted to die after that. He said he doesn't know how they came up with a description because it's like a monster that hits you like a ton of bricks all of a sudden. He said that someone else has to smell it. Artie said that he'd rather go back to working in construction than smell his balls.
Richard asked Fred if he'd smell it. Fred said that he does not like green eggs and ham... and Richard so he wasn't sniffing him. Sal said that he had to use Clorox wipes to get the smell out of his nose. Sarah said that the only way to get rid of that smell is to kill yourself. She said she has to go do The View now. Richard asked her if she's going to talk about that on The View. She said ''Of course I will!''
Sal asked Sarah if they could smell her vagina. She said that it smells like Lavender and peppermint. She said that Sal was pitching her some more ideas for smelling his foreskin and stuff before she came in. Howard said that it's enough of this. He gave Sarah another plug for her show and wrapped up with her a short time later. They went to break after that.
Gary's Wart Burned Off And Oozing? Ewwww! 09/19/07. 9:40am
After the break we heard one of Sal and Richard's prank calls to a cab company using clips of Howard's mother complaining about not having a car available for her. Fred also played the late Clif Palette singing Bon Jovi's ''It's My Life.'' Howard came back a short time later after Fred played Boston's ''Peace of Mind.'' He asked Gary about the wart he had on his hand. Gary said it's gone now. He has a Band-Aid on it now. Howard said it was driving him crazy because he was caressing it and it was becoming part of his demeanor. He said it was rubbing it and tickling it.
Howard said Gary got it burned off but it's still there. It's now black and still a wart. Gary said that it's not raised up though, it's been burned off. He said that he had it done during vacation and they had to burn the top off and then burn the roots out 2 weeks later. He asked for Howard to give him another week for it to heal. Howard said it's still there. Gary said that's a scab, it's not the wart.
Howard said that it really bothers him and it bothers someone else there. He said that person came up to him and said it was oozing. Gary said it doesn't ooze. He said he won't be mad if someone else brings it up. Jason came in a short time later and said that it was shiny when he saw it and he thought that it was oozing. Gary said that it'll be gone in a week and he knows it's gross. They don't have to tell him that.
Gary said that his toe fungus is finally gone after trying to get rid of it for 3 years. He said that he went to a podiatrist that put some stuff on it and then gave him some pills that didn't work either. He said he waited a year and they put him on some pills and that finally cleared it up. It took 3 years but it's finally gone. He said they told him he may have gotten it from running and staying in his sweaty socks.
Howard said that he showers in some thong shoes that he has just for that. Howard said that he once saw Gary showering in a gym one time and saw him scrubbing his balls. Howard said that Gary is pretty big and he likes to shower and show that junk off down there.
Artie said that he had something else weird to talk about. He said that Richard has been using everything pumpkin every year around this time. He uses pumpkin body wash and drinks pumpkin beer and everything is pumpkin around this time of year. Richard came in and said that he's got the brain of a child and he's into childish stuff. Howard said that he's turning out to be a real asshole. Richard said he just likes this time of year. Howard kicked him out after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that today was great with the interviews he did. He also asked if he's going to let Howard TV cover his vasectomy. Howard said he's not showing anyone his dick. He's not even sure if he's going to get one, he's too scared.
Robin's News. 08/17/09. 9:50am
Howard played a song parody about Robin's ''34-G'' boobs before he had her start her news. He said he thinks that might be Dan the Song Parody Man's greatest work. Artie said he heard from his sister that she saw Dan walking down the street in Manhattan the other day in the middle of the day. He said she told him that he was very nice. Artie said he wondered if she asked him what he had on him in the way of money.
Robin started her news reading about the toe fungus that Gary has. Howard said he doesn't get why he has this fungus while everyone wears white socks and has their feet sweating. Howard said it's almost like they captured this creature and he's not being let back into the wild. Gary said that he doesn't get why he has a foot fungus and gets all of this crap while Robin is the one who claims that she almost died from her diet.
Robin said that Gary could put his feet in the sun to get rid of the fungus. Gary said he doesn't sun them but they do get sun. Robin said the fungus could also be a yeast or mold.
Fred was reading that it could be very contagious and they say to avoid walking in public areas. Gary said he wears flip-flops almost all weekend long. He said that he doesn't share his shoes with anyone either.
Howard wanted to see what was going on with his feet so Gary came into the studio. Howard didn't want him in there but Gary came in anyway. Jason came in with his camera to get some shots of it too.
Gary said Lisa G was out there talking about how bad she felt for him taking this medication to get rid of the stuff. It's bad for your liver apparently and she was saying she felt bad for him.
Howard looked at Gary's foot that had one bad nail that was discolored. Artie gave him a loud ''Holy shit!'' when he saw it. The guys talked about how ugly it was. Gary said it wasn't itchy or anything. He said that you wouldn't even know you had it if you didn't see it.
Sal was in Gary's office with green stuff on his toes. Gary said that he bets the emotional friend doesn't put green stuff on his toes. Then Sal started to pretend to eat the green stuff on his toes. Gary wondered what Sal would do without him.
Gary said he had this fungus about 3 years ago but he had gotten rid of it. Then it came back to this one toe. He said he's trying to get rid of this now.
Jeff the Drunk called in and goofed on Gary's feet. Gary said that Jeff had better not call him for any prize money this year. He said he won't help him out this year. That led to Jeff saying that he quit smoking. Gary said that he must have gained a ton of weight. Jeff said that he can't fit in his jeans now. He quit smoking about 4 months ago. Gary said he's so unhealthy he'll probably die anyway.
Robin said she heard that Alyssa Milano got married this weekend. She said she married this guy David Buiglieri and that led to Howard playing this clip of a guy saying ''A buigli ari da, uh, yagail moo, uh, mugie bugalia.''
Dan Attempts 5 Minute Fart Record. 9/29/98. 7:00am
This guy was bumped from yesterday's show because they ran out of time. Maybe it was a good thing because this guy did an amazing job this morning. Dan says that he can make better sounding farts with a toilet. Well, he got his wish and a fake toilet was created for him. It sounded like they had a toilet seat on top of a chair with the bottom taken out of it. They took the bottom out to get better sound to the microphone. Dan started off right away and was making some nasty sounding farts. Within a short time Doug from E! dropped his counter button and ran away from Dan. It turned out that Dan had an accident and shit on the floor! It didn't stop him though. He just kept farting while everyone else just laughed and gagged. Eventually Doug from E! got the counter back and started the count again. After it was all done a guy called in and said that he had an accurate count of 256. For some reason Benji the intern came walking into the studio and stepped in the shit that was still on the floor! More gagging followed.. Howard had to take a commercial break. After the break Howard came back with the official count of 206. He also said that it was really funny how the crap got cleaned up. They were using cardboard and stuff like that to clean it. General Manager Tom Chiusano said that he wanted that ''toilet'' banned from the show. Howard said it was just a one time accident so it's staying. The microphone that was under the toilet was ruined because the just had a piece of tissue covering it up. There was an 11 year old kid waiting in the wings to attempt the record but he was puking in the bathroom because he was so nervous. Fran Drescher showed up so he was off the hook for a while. To see the other record attempts just click here to see the Fart record chart.
Guy Who Had Sex With His Wife's Trach Hole Calls In. 5/6/99. 9:00am
This guy Rob called in to tell Howard about how he used to have sex with his wife's trachea hole. She had some kind of throat cancer so there was a hole cut into her throat for breathing. He explained to Howard how she was the sexually adventurous one in the relationship and wanted to do it to him. He said that the first time they did it she gagged and actually threw up because of it. He didn't enjoy the experience the first few times but eventually she got pretty good at it and he liked it. He said he never completed the act, it was more like foreplay. At one point Howard jokingly asked Rob ''What the F is wrong with you?'' Robin just said it was ''Sick.'' Rob said that his wife would be on top of him so she'd be in control of everything. Eventually she got even sicker and the cancer took her life last July. Howard took a couple of phone calls for the guy. One caller said that Rob should get an award because he's managed to bring the show to it's lowest point ever. Captain Janks was even compelled to call in. Janks asked the guy how he could do such a thing to someone he loved. He called it ''disgusting.'' Howard thought it was funny that Janks would say that and even remarked ''..Janks would do road kill..''
Bowie Cancels / Howard Talks About Clogging Toilet Instead. 10/5/99. 6:05am
First thing this morning Howard announced that David Bowie's people called and canceled his appearance for today. He was scheduled to come in and sing ''Rebel Rebel'' and possibly ''China Girl'' live in the studio. Bowie got sick and said he wasn't able to perform. All of his equipment was already there and Howard couldn't believe how much stuff there was. It was all set up and ready to go but no Bowie to use it. Howard wasn't too upset because he doesn't think all of his audience would be in to Bowie. He said that his fans would rather hear him talk about himself anyway. So within a few minutes Howard was talking about how he'd clogged up his toilet yesterday after making a large bowel movement. Luckily it was at his apartment in the city and not at home. After flushing the toilet 20 times he decided to just let it sit over night so it might loosen up. This, of course, led to other people coming in and telling their own stories of clogging toilets. Gary, Stuttering John and Scott DePace from E! all had their own stories of clogging up toilets in various places. Oh, Al Sharpton also canceled today but he'll be in later this week.
More Info On Artie Being 25 Percent American Indian. 9/4/03. 7:15am
Gary said he's heard about a lot of other people who are going to be there. Dennis Rodman is one of those guests so Howard ended up asking Gary if he'd bang Carmen Electra even though Dennis had her. Gary said he would do that and he'd even marry her. Howard said he might bang her but he won't marry anyone. That led to Howard saying that he probably wouldn't bang Pamela Anderson these days because of the Hepatitis C thing. He said he'd let her use her had on him but that's it. He said he'd Bukkake her as well. He said Kid Rock seems to be fine so maybe he's a little crazy to think he wouldn't bang her. Gary asked him if he would bang someone like that if they just had crabs. Howard said he might do that but then thought about it and said he probably wouldn't. If he knew she had crabs, he wouldn't do it. Gary said that he might go back to a woman who has crabs if she was good enough. Stuttering John came in and told Howard what a pain in the ass Crabs really are. He said you have to shave and wash your sheets and crap like that. John described his experience with the crabs and how you can see them crawling around on your pubic hair. John said he ended up using the special shampoo on his girlfriend at the time to kill the crabs that she didn't even know about. He'd been cheating on the girl so he didn't want to tell her that he'd gotten them. John said his girlfriend was probably cheating on him just as much as he was cheating on her so maybe he got them from her.
Gary told a story about his crabs and how the nurse told him he was ''infested'' after he'd told her he worked for the Howard Stern show. Gary said he had a tough time figuring out who gave them to him. He said he narrowed it down to two women. Scott DePace came in and said he had crabs and found them crawling up his chest hair one day. Gary said it's really weird to see stuff crawling around down there. Howard never got them but said he worried that he was going to get something after banging 5 chicks at camp one year.
Stuttering John told Howard about his genital warts and how horrible that was. He said they have to douse you in vinegar and then give you a shot in each one before they burn it off. John said he once thought he had AIDS because he'd been losing weight so fast. Gary said John was on a diet program and that was why he lost the weight so fast. John said he started to eat a ton of ice cream when he got skinny because he was afraid he had AIDS. He said they were doing the channel 9 show at the time and one year he was skinny and the next he was fat because he ate so much ice cream.
Howard took a couple of phone calls from listeners who had problems with crabs. One guy said he had them crawling around in his moustache. Gary said it took him about 3 months to get rid of all of them because they lay eggs and they just keep coming back. Another caller said he had genital warts and ended up cutting them off himself. Gary said whenever he had itching after that he was afraid he had crabs again. Stuttering John pointed out that Gary had Chlamydia at one point. Gary didn't want him saying that even though he's talked about that in the past. That led to Gary talking about other problems he's had in the past. He said he had to take a medication that turned his urine fire engine red and ruined a lot of pairs of underwear. Howard brought up how his nipples used to bleed when he'd jog. They spent a short time on that before someone changed the subject.
NFL Sideline Reporter Bonnie Bernstein Calls In. 01/29/04. 6:40am
Howard said he farted in bed the other night and tried to cover it up. He said it smelled like death itself. He said the covers were tight and he thought it would catch the smell. He said it just hung there for like 10 minutes and he could almost smell it the next morning. He said that he usually goes to the bathroom to fart but he was too tired that night. He said it smelled like he'd just crapped in the bed or something. He hadn't eaten much of anything other than shredded wheat and soy milk that night. He said it must have loosened up everything in there. He wished that he could have taken that back because Beth shouldn't have smelled something that horrible. Howard had to take a break shortly after that discussion.
Doody Dude Neil Identifies Dog Poo. 3/9/01. 7:30am
This guy Neil came in to try and get some plugs for his business by telling us what kind of dog doody is in the bags he was given. Other employees of the station brought in plastic bags with their pure-bred dogs doody. He says he makes $40,000 a year collecting dog doody from people's yards in Los Angeles and Orange County. Neil was told that if he could guess any of the doodies Howard would plug his business. If he got any wrong he'd have to eat it.
Neil said that he got the idea from Major Doody who was on the show a year ago. He put on rubber gloves and picked up the first bag. He had a magnifying glass and tweezers to go through the doody to find hair. He put it on a plate, looked through it and guessed that it was a beagle. It turned out it was a poodle. Neil then said that he can only guess between the 12 breeds he works with. Howard gave him a break and yelled at KC for not getting this booking right. Neil had told them his rules and KC ignored them. They had 3 bags left that fit Neil's criteria so they used them instead. Neil explained that he looks at diameter, texture and the hair in the doody to make his guesses. He looked at the second bag and dumped it on the plate. He found hairs in that one and said it was a Rottweiler. He was right so Howard plugged his business web site DoodyDude.com. Neil then went through another bag and got that one right when he said it was a Labrador retriever. That poop was like soup according to everyone who was gagging in the studio. The final bag was a little tougher. He didn't get it right. He narrowed it down between a beagle and a chihuahua. He guessed beagle and got it wrong. Howard didn't think it was right to make him eat the doody so he let the guy off the hook. Earlier in the segment Neil had told Howard that he took antibiotics just in case he had to eat the doody but he could still get hepatitis A and die if the doody was infected. Howard was grossed out enough so he let the guy go. You can get in touch with Doody Dude at DoodyDude.com or call 1-866-888-POOP.
The Fart Olympics. 06/20/06. 8:10am
After the break Howard got in a plug for Riley Martin's show that airs tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. He did a little bit of his impression and then played a couple of Riley Martin song parodies. He and Robin were singing along with those songs.
Howard then moved on to the Fart Olympics where they had a $5,000 grand prize for the winner. Howard had the three contestants come in and then had each one introduce themselves. First up was Flex who was in his underpants. Howard said the guy is in good shape and went on to ask him how he prepared for this. Flex said he didn't have to prepare at all. He did practice a bit in the green room though. Flex said he can do this stuff constantly if he has to. Howard had him demonstrate a little bit for them and he let out some very wet sounding farts.
Gary said that his underwear is see through and you can see his rectum puckering in there. Howard asked Flex if he believes he's the best farter there. He was pretty confident but he knows he's got some competition there today. Howard read that Flex can say ''thank-you'' and ''hello'' with his ass so he had him demonstrate that. He blasted out a couple of farts but they didn't sound like thank-you or hello.
Will was wearing a mask and told Howard that he could see his whole asshole moving while standing behind him. Flex demonstrated another stunt he does where he sticks a straw in his ass and then blows bubbles in a glass of water. Flex thought he was ripping his ass as he shoved the straw in there. He thought it was too thin and said it might not work. He attempted to fart through the straw but it was hurting too bad. Howard told him to remove it and try to recover for a few minutes. Flex drank the water he was just trying to fart into.
Howard introduced Mike the Farter who had a really long beard, like an Abraham Lincoln beard. Howard asked him about his farting practice out in the green room. He asked Mike what his strongest category is. Mike said he thinks he may be able to win the ''most farts in a minute'' section. If he wins he's going to put his money toward going to college.
Howard said this will be a great competition and he's been waiting for months for this to happen. He said that when they were on Terrestrial radio, they had to stop farting on the air because they were afraid that the FCC was going to fine people for farts that sounded ''too wet.'' Howard had a fart ready to go so he interrupted the guys and let one rip into the microphone. That was a ''real'' fart, not the type that these guys were doing by sucking air into their asses and blowing it out.
Howard spoke to Will the Farter for a short time and then moved on to the contest. Howard said that there's a $5,000 grand prize for the winner today. The money was coming from GoldenPalace.com. Artie sang a little Ann Murray for the guys and Flex threw in a fart for him.
Gary started off the Olympics with the loudest fart attempt. They had a decibel meter in the studio to measure the loudest fart. First up was Flex. He tried to blast one out but it wasn't very loud. He sucked in some air and let one rip. It was a 10.5 on the meter. Mike got up next and tried to beat Flex. He sucked air in and blasted out a few before blasting out his final. He got a 10.0 on the meter. Howard was surprised at that. Will the Farter got up next and blasted out his fart. He also got a 10.0 on the meter and surprised everyone again. Howard thought it was much louder but not according to the meter.
Will the Farter took his pants off and blasted out a fart and hit a 10.8 on the meter. Will was upset that he didn't take his pants off earlier, before blasting out his ''official fart.'' Howard said the smell was getting pretty bad in there and wanted Robin to come in and take a whiff. Artie wasn't getting any of the smell yet but Howard said he was getting hit. Robin said Howard looked like he was going to throw up.
Howard moved on to the next category, with a mask on. Artie had a mask on as well but his mask was making it hard to hear him. Gary said the next event was the Longest fart event. Each guy had to prepare, then say ''go'' when they were ready to blast away. Flex warmed up and then let out a fart that lasted 10 seconds. Mike was up next and warmed up. Howard told him to make sure he lets Gange know when he wants to go. He quickly went right into it and blasted out a fart that lasted 13 seconds! Howard sounded shocked by that. Mike said he was hoping that it wouldn't stop but his ass has a mind of it's own when it comes to stuff like that. Will the Farter was next. He was looking down according to Howard and Robin. He warmed up a short time later and told Gange to go. He let his fart out slowly and lasted 18 seconds!
Howard moved on to the next event which was the ''Most Farts in a Minute'' event. Flex went up first and had to make sure he told everyone when he was ready to go. He sucked in some air and then started blasting away. He let out the short farts and hit 70 farts. He wasn't too happy with that, he was going for 100. Mike was ready to go next and said he's hoping to beat him but he's not sure he can beat it. He warmed up a little bit and then told them to go. He blasted out his short farts, sucked in more air, let out more farts and kept going for almost the full minute. He was worn out and stalled toward the end. He hit 74 farts. Jason said he counted 77 so Howard gave him 75.5. Will got up next and started blasting away. He had a couple of long farts in there and hit 76 farts. He asked Jason for his count and he had 80.
Howard crowned Will the Farter with the farting Olympics crown since he had won 2 events. Flex had some strong competition in there. He thought Mike was very strong and thought there was going to be a 3 way tie. He locked up in the most farts event with 3 seconds left. If he hadn't locked up, he may have been able to pull off a win. Howard said all three guys were great athletes and stunk up the room like a pile of shit. He congratulated Will the Farter on his win. Artie did the same and said that Will has been with them the longest but they all did great.
Howard presented Will with his $5,000 grand price from GoldenPalace.com and asked Artie to sing them out. Artie sang a Bruce Springsteen song while the guys farted along with him. All three of them got in on the farting and backed Artie up as Robin laughed her ass off. Gary said that his mask was no longer working.
Did High Pitch Erik Lose His Virginity Or Not? 6/14/00. 6:25am
Last night High Pitch Erik was supposed to lose his virginity to a porn star on RealPornWorld.com. Luckily Crazy Cabbie stuck around to check it out on a computer at the radio station. He called in this morning and told Howard that from what he saw, Erik is still a virgin. He said that Erik didn't get on cam until after midnight last night. Then it took him over an hour and a half to get aroused. This immediately brought up suspicions that Erik might just be gay. Cabbie also told Howard that Erik gave the porn star oral sex after 20 guys had gone before him. According to Cabbie the porn star had to finish off Erik with her hand and that took quite a while. He said that the porn star was unable to put a condom on Erik because he wasn't getting it up. He said he never saw Erik having intercourse with the woman so he's still a virgin. Cabbie said that Erik spoke to him shortly after he finished and the first thing Erik asked was ''Are Booker and Cane there watching?'' Booker and Cane are DJ's on Howard's station that Erik seems to be in love with. Cabbie thinks Erik is gay.
Erik eventually called in and said ''What's up?'' in his Mickey Mouse sounding voice. Howard quickly responded ''Not you!'' referring to him being unable to get it up for an hour and a half. Erik went on to tell Howard that he actually lost his virginity last night. He says that Cabbie is lying and he didn't give oral to the porn star and he did have actual intercourse with her. He's supposed to come in on Friday to watch the tape with Howard. Someone who was helping out the E! crew at the shoot called in and said that Erik did have intercourse but it only lasted about ''5 to 10 strokes''. Erik said that was right so that means that he lost his virginity. Everyone still thinks he's gay though. Someone also said that the porn star offered to use a strap-on dildo on Erik and he agreed to it but later backed out of the offer. Howard told him that that's really gay and he should have just said no right away if he was straight. We should find out more on Friday when he comes in.
Today's Grossest Week Ever was over around 10:55am.
Howard told Gary to bring in a toothbrush the next day so he could teach him how to brush. Gary said that they were too busy to do that. Howard told him it would take 3 seconds to teach him. Howard said he's told Gary he can't put all of this peroxide in his mouth.
Howard explained how you don't even need toothpaste to brush with. He said that can help make it feel fresher in there but you don't need it. Howard said if you take care of your mouth just brushing will keep it fresh.
Howard demonstrated how to brush and had Stuttering John helping out. He showed how the bristles must meet the gum and shows how to do a circular motion. He said that helps get the blood into the area. Howard said you can do that while you watch TV and spend 10 minutes doing it. Howard said you have to massage them like private parts. Howard said he loves doing that. He said Gary is doing it wrong just from looking at his gums. Howard told Gary he could leave and told him not to smell up his phones anymore.
Stuttering John Celebrity Interviews. 12/3/99. 8:15am
Stuttering John was getting ready to go have his ass operated on this morning so Howard wanted to get to these celebrity interviews before he left. A little earlier Howard spoke to John about his anal fistula which is causing him great pain. John said his ass has been bleeding and pus has been coming out of it for some time now. His doctor looked at it recently and said they have to operate on it to fix 'er up. He said he has to be awake during the operation so Howard told him he should call in so they can hear it going on. John said he'd try to do that later in the show when he's at the Doctor's office.
Stuttering John Live From The Operating Table. 12/3/99. 10:10am
Stuttering John called in live from the operating table in his doctors office during Robin's news. John told Howard that he was lying face down on the operating table waiting for his Proctologist to put him under for his fistula operation. John put his doctor on the phone so Howard could speak to him about what caused John's problem. Howard says it's because John pushes and tries to go to the bathroom too much when he should just wait until he really has to go. The doctor disagrees with Howard and said that it's not from what Howard says. He said it's a blockage of some gland that gets infected. Howard insists that it's John's bathroom habits that caused the problem. John got back on the phone and Howard wanted him to stay on while they put him under but the doctor wouldn't allow it. We'll find out Monday if John made it through his ordeal.
Siobhan Pleasures Herself On Air. 07/22/05. 8:55am
After the break the guys had Siobhan come back in the studio as Fred was playing Aerosmith's ''Dude Looks Like a Lady.'' Siobhan had to use the bathroom out in the hallway and when she came back in she gave Artie one of her sanitary pads. Artie was trying to eat and didn't want to see that. Howard said that Siobhan looks more like a man than ever. He was talking to her during the break and talked to her about her big implants. She also went up to Robin and told her that she's not doing so good these days. Howard said the guy has chopped off his penis and turned himself into a bald woman and he's complaining about his life. Robin mentioned that Siobhan borrowed money from her brother to get this operation done. Now her brother has been involved in a motorcycle accident and he's not sure if he can work so his house is in jeopardy because he took out another mortgage to pay for Siobhan's operation. Gary said that he's seen pictures of Siobhan as a construction worker from when he was younger. Siobhan said he can't go back to doing that because he injured his back. She said she's tried to get jobs as a mover but no one will hire her.
Howard said that Siobhan is going to use a vibrator to pleasure herself on the air. He had her go over to a chair to do it and he was kind of bummed that they didn't have E! cameras there anymore to cover it. Gary told Howard that Siobhan has verrucose veins in her legs. She said she's almost 50 years old so of course she does. Howard was going to get Mike Walker on the phone to get that out of the way but he seemed kind of fascinated by her vibrating herself. Artie said he'd seen enough after about 30 seconds. Howard said he was done as well and he was ready to stop the whole thing. She was doing it over her panties and Howard thought it looked disgusting. Howard said it looked as if they left ''a little bit of balls down there.'' Hook Nose Mike called in and said that it was kind of funny that this person is both a grandmother and a father at the same time. Siobhan has a grandchild and a daughter. The guys watched as Siobhan continued to vibrate herself. She continued to talk during the pleasuring as if nothing was going on.
Howard took a call from Modeling Max the intern who asked Howard if he would rather tongue kiss his mother or touch Siobhan. Howard said he'd rather kiss his mother. He asked Siobhan to stop because it was 7 minutes in and nothing had happened. He gave her a $500 prize for coming in since she has been going through some tough times lately. The money was courtesy of ''The Devil's Rejects.'' Siobhan got in a plug for ArtMonkeyRecords.com which is where you can hear some of her band's CDs. Captain Janks called in a short time later and reminded Howard how Siobhan had gone through Jackie the Joke Man's phone book and found everyone's phone numbers. Howard also said that Siobhan tried to go after Gary when they were at a party one time. She tried to kiss Gary one time and Gary had to push him off. Janks told Howard that he has about 200 people who are going to help him make prank calls to help promote Howard's move to SIRIUS later this year.
Farter Fartist Visits. 06/09/08. 8:50am
After the break Fred played a prank call the guys made to some public access show using some Wood Yi, Hank the Dwarf and Blue Iris audio clips. Fred also played Sal's song parody about his wife. Fred played some Led Zeppelin ''Immigrant Song'' as they were coming out of break. Howard came back a short time later and said that the guys were wearing Hazmat suits because Will the Farter was coming in to do some fart painting.
Will the Farter came in a short time later. Howard said that Will has a web site where he sells his underwear to gay guys. He said that Will swears that he's not gay though. He's getting married to a chick soon and she's there with him today. Howard said that Will talks dirty to guys and does whatever they ask him to do on camera. Will said that he can make good money doing that. He said he gets paid like $400 to $1000 to do stuff for those guys.
Howard said that Will must be a good looking dude if he gets that kind of money. Robin said that he's really not a good looking guy to her. Will thanked her for that.
Howard asked Will if he farts into the camera for these gay guys. Will said that he does. He doesn't have to see the guys he's doing it for though. He said that he hears the guys getting off sometimes and it makes him laugh. He said that they'll ask to be called a piece of shit and they'll get off on that.
Howard asked Will how this whole painting thing came about. Will said his buddy came up with the idea and he gave it a try. He said that he puts paint in his ass and sprays it on the canvas. Kind of like a Salvador Dali painting. Artie said that he's a ''Fartist.''
Will said that he was going to do some painting this morning. He said that he'll pour some paint in his ass and then he'll squirt it out and it'll spray all over the canvas. Howard had Will do his thing. He went right into it and started sucking air into his ass to do the farting thing. He let out a couple of really juicy sounding farts that blasted out some yellow paint first. He changed colors and put some orange into his ass to squirt that out.
Howard asked Will how he did this with his underwear on. Will just blasted out a couple more wet farts. Artie said that he was going to have to throw out another lunch because of that. Will did some more farts that were even more wet sounding so Howard started to laugh his ass off. He told Will that he's got really ugly feet and he can't imagine that gay guys are beating off to his feet.
Will Murray said that he just slipped in Will's paint. He was all freaked out by that. Will the Farter blasted out some purple paint after that. Artie asked what they were watching there. Howard told him that they were watching farts. Will was gurgling out of his ass and grossing Artie out.
Howard asked Will if he had any control over what came out. Will said that he really didn't and he was exhausted already. Howard told Robin that her coffee enemas might be art.
Will picked up the painting and showed it to everyone. Howard said he kind of liked it. Artie said it looked like someone farted out an M&M Blizzard.
Howard asked the guys to bring in Will's girlfriend Erica. He talked to her about the upcoming wedding, which is happening later this month. Erica said that her parents don't know what he does for a living. She said that her sister does.
Howard asked Erica if she thinks that this is a good plan for Will's future and if they were going to have kids. Will said that they are not going to have kids. Howard asked Erica if she ever wonders why she fell in love with a farter. She said that she does but she also loves Will.
Howard said that Will the Farter was trying to spray Will Murray with paint. He was blasting out a few farts and trying to hit Will with them. Howard had Will blast out some more paint and he let out some big ones that sounded very wet.
Howard said that Will was going crazy. He went through a few more farts and then Gary came in and asked Erica what she thought about Will's short lived porn career. Erica said that she wasn't too thrilled with it but it's not a big deal. Will said that it was the biggest mistake he ever made.
Howard started to wrap up but Will asked if he could blast out a fart on his megaphone. He had his own with him so Howard told him to go for it. Will blasted out a bunch of farts over the megaphone and had Howard and Artie laughing. Howard asked how he came up with that idea. Will said that he saw the megaphone on the internet and had to have it.
Howard asked Erica if she was there when he came up with that idea. Erica said that he came home and tested it out on her. She said that he usually does it in the basement coming up with some creative ideas. She said that he worked on that one for about a day and then came up and told her to come down and listen to what he had going on.
Will was blasting away through the megaphone while Howard was talking to Erica. He said that's something else. He asked Erica if her parents would beg her to call off the wedding if they knew what he really did. She said that they probably would. She said that they already ask her what she sees in him and they don't know what he does. She said that he makes her laugh and that's the most important thing. Howard gave Will some more plugs and let the two of them go a short time later.
The Guy Who Had Sex With A Dolphin Comes In. 7/23/97. 7:45am
Howard recently mentioned that he read an article about a guy who slept with a dolphin. The guy came in to be interviewed this morning. He was disguised when he came in of course. The guy was a little bit strange to say the least. He explained how he ''made love'' to a dolphin in some shallow pool down in Key West Florida. He said that he had to ''bond'' with the dolphin before getting laid. Some woman called in during the interview and said that the guy was the publisher of the magazine that the article was written in and that he was just scamming Howard. The guy denied it though, so who knows. It was a very strange segment all together. If it was April 1st I'd say that it was a joke...
Sex with a doberman!? 6/13/96.
The incest stories last week started a whole mess of weird sex stories. This guy called in this morning and said that he once had sex with his dog. He was 16 years old when this happened. He woke up one morning to feel his dog snuggling up next to him. Since he had morning wood he had a 'brainstorm'. He ran over and got a condom and did his dog! After that whenever his dog came up and rubbed up against him he thought that people could tell what had happened so he gave the dog away. This happened 20 years ago and according to him it hasn't happened again. He does own a cat now though. So watch out kitty... A couple of callers were yelling at this guy calling him a sicko and a mental patient but he just told them that it only happened once.
Creepy Internet Video - Couple Screws A Horse. 12/06/06. 6:00am
Show opening bits and songs included: Audio clip from ''Da Ali G Show,'' Alanis Morissette performing ''Thank You'' live in Howard's studio.
Howard started off the show talking about a clip that JD found where a couple is having sex with a pony. He said it's a like a documentary on them and he can't imagine who would do something like that. it came from the internet but you never know where it comes from. He said that the woman is kind of chubby but not all that bad. He played a clip where the woman talks about introducing this guy to her miniature stallion. She said she wanted to shock the guy. She said she couldn't resist so she started sucking on the horse who was laying on the floor, then the horse started doing her and the guy stayed there and watched.
In the clip the guy talks about how erotic it was to watch it and how cool he thought it was. He said that they took things from there. Howard stopped the clip and talked about how strange that was. He had another clip where the woman talks about how her horse isn't all that much bigger than a human is. She said she likes sucking on the horse and the guy said he does the horse anally.
The guy claims that the horse talks to him by grunting and blowing in his ear and stuff like that. The woman says she likes the noise that the horse makes and calls it the ''hubba hubba'' noise. She talks about the noise that the horse makes when he orgasms. The guy talks about how the horse will grab a big piece of his skin by biting him on the back.
Howard said that hubba hubba noise might be kind of like Benjy doing his horse noise. A short time later they were playing one of Benjy's prank calls where he calls a woman and pretends to be a horse that's fucking the old lady. He makes the horse noise and tells the woman he's going to stick his horse cock inside of her and neighs for her. The old lady plays along and tells the horse to do stuff to her.
Howard said that the woman must have been lonely in that nursing home. Benjy said he tried calling her one other time and this Indian guy took her away. He said he's going to try calling him again sometime. Benjy said he forgot what he was trying to do with her that time. He said that she's very friendly.
Greg And Mike From Prevention Of Animal Sexual Abuse. 6/20/01. 7:25am
These two guys called in from an organization that's trying to get laws passed so that sex with animals would be against the law. Right now it's only illegal in 25 states. Howard spoke to this guy Greg for a second but quickly got to Mike because he was a former animal abuser. He started this organization called ASAIRS (ASAIRS.com) Animal Sexual Abuse ... I can't remember what exactly the acronym was.
Mike went on to tell Howard about how he started having sex with dogs at the age of 9. He said he was a very anti-social person and he only had sexual relationships with dogs until about 4 years ago. He said that he eventually got obsessed with the whole thing and he was on the computer 20 hours a day in animal sex chats. He then decided to give it up after losing his friends. He was so bold that he would tell friends and neighbors about this sick obsessions.
Mike told Howard that he preferred the bigger breeds of dog like German Shepherds and St. Bernards among other large breeds. He would also use male dogs and they didn't struggle all that much. So Mike started this organization and Gary joined forces with him. Greg said he's never had sex with an animal but he's against it. Benjy was sitting in the studio and he argued that sex with animals isn't that bad. He argued that we kill animals and eat them so having sex with them shouldn't be viewed as being that horrible. Howard didn't let him argue too long because it was boring.
Howard also let a bunch of phone callers through to tell this guy how sick he is. Even though he's given it up, he's still hated by many. Callers said that he should be shot or strangled among other things. They also goofed on him. One guy had his dog bark for the guy. He interpreted the barks as though the dog was asking him out on a date and asking if the guy was circumcised. It was pretty funny actually.
Greg defended Mike saying that if he hadn't come forward with this whole thing there would still be a lot of people out there who couldn't get help. If you're one of those people, just visit their web site.
Various Stuff. 6/1/00. 6:05am
Howard read a story about a 19 year old kid who's been charged with sexually assaulting a 25 pound lamb and killing it. The kid apparently dropped his wallet at the scene and was caught.
This led to a listener calling in with a sex story about himself. He told Howard how he had sex with his father when he was about 15 years old. The guy said that he and his father would watch porn together and his dad whipped out his penis one time. Eventually his father and he did some stuff to each other. The kid later went out and had sex with 3 girls in 2 months to prove his heterosexuality. Howard told the guy that they should get him and his father on the show to do a confrontation about that. The guy wasn't so sure that he wanted to do that though.
Anthony And His Dead Daughter Calistra. 10/31/00. 7:20am
A couple of months ago this guy Anthony called in claiming that he'd had his dead daughter preserved by taxidermy. Howard wanted to see her in person to make sure he wasn't full of crap. Anthony came in this morning with his daughter Calistra in a wheelchair. Howard spoke to Anthony for a few minutes before revealing the daughter who was covered in a sheet. Anthony told Howard that his daughter was a big fan of Madonna's and she kept a journal about her. She also enjoyed Howard and Robin and even named her turtle Howard and her cat Robin. Howard had a letter that Anthony wrote to Madonna after his daughter died and he read that on the air. Anthony wanted to know how Howard got a hold of the letter. It turns out Madonna's people sent it to the show after they got it. The letter was kind of weird and what Anthony is trying to do is start a Humanistic Taxidermy Society for people who wish to be taxidermied instead of buried in the ground. The whole thing was very strange. Anthony had a tape that he claims was his daughter's last words where she asks him to take care of her turtle and kitty. Anthony claims that Calistra was part mongoloid but after hearing the tape she sure didn't sound like she had any problems. Howard didn't know what to make of this whole thing.
Howard got Anthony's estranged wife Helen on the phone and she kind of backed up the taxidermy story but it was still questionable. Howard finally had Anthony take the sheet off the daughter. There was laughter in the studio as the wraps came off. Everyone said it looked like a doll, not a person. Robin said the head looked like it was made of Styrofoam. Anthony claims that it was a year from the time she died until she was taxidermied so she decomposed quite a bit. They had to reconstruct her somehow. No one believed it was a real dead girl and Anthony was asked if he was really crazy or if he was just a bad actor. He says it's for real but he refused to show any more of her skin to prove it was real. He didn't like the fact that he was being goofed on. Everything on the girl looked fake. She had a wig on and all of her facial hair was fake. Howard said he wasn't sure what he was seeing but it was pretty creepy. He took a couple of phone calls from people who called Anthony a freak. Howard eventually wrapped things up with Anthony but no one was convinced the girl was real. KC came in and asked Howard if he had permission to rip her head off. Howard told him he didn't have permission to do that because Anthony would freak out on him. Howard once again said that he had no idea what he'd just seen but it did freak him out.
Howard got Aunt Mary on the line and asked her about the incident. Howard asked if she found it odd that he's a 25 year old living at home. She told Howard that he's one of the gorgeous ones in the family. She said she saw his body. She said she may have wanted to take a looks. Mary said she did feel a little embarrassed when she saw him. Robin asked if that was because he was small.
Howard asked if Gary is a stud. She said ''Oh yes...'' Howard said he's never seen his genitalia before. He said it must be interesting to see that he's quite large. Howard said that's all he wanted to know. He asked if she was cooking spaghetti. She said that she's actually not Italian.
Howard asked if Gary appeared he was going to be big and full as a baby. She said yes to that. Howard asked if he has grown since then. She said he has, very much. Howard asked if she'd have a hard time putting a diaper on him now. She said yes to that too.
Howard asked if Mary screamed when she saw Gary. She said she did and demonstrated what it sounded like. Howard said that's very embarrassing to an aunt like that. She didn't seem to think it was that bad. Howard asked if she had Gary's schedule down for the week. She didn't answer. Mary said Gary is an Italian Stallion and she doesn't want to repeat herself. Howard thanked her for the interesting phone call and let her go. Howard said Gary must be packing something in there.
Various Stuff. 5/31/01. 6:05am
This guy Paul called in to talk about sleeping with his sister. Howard said he always likes to hear stories like that. Paul said he was in the Navy and hadn't seen his sister in a couple of years. Howard interrupted Paul and spent a couple of minutes talking about how gay the Navy uniforms look. He said that they don't look mean enough to the rest of the world. Paul soon got back to his story. He said one day his sister had taken a shower and was wearing a night shirt and he was wearing a pair of boxers. He told Howard that his sister does some modeling and she's only 19. He's 34. So she put her legs up on him on the couch while he was talking to her. He was rubbing her legs. Howard started to tell the guy that you just don't go there with your sister. Paul continued and said that she started to open up her legs as he was rubbing them. He moved up her legs and rubbed in a spot that a brother should never get to. He ended up giving her a ''digital massage'' up there and she moaned as he did it. Paul ended up giving her oral and regular sex from in front and behind her. Howard asked if his mother walked in and joined in too. Paul said that didn't happen. Howard sarcastically said ''Oh, that would be wrong...'' Paul said that he's done her 3 times so far and he's home for another week before going back into service. Howard told him that if he brings his sister on the show and makes out with her he'd give him some prizes. Gary came in and said he could give him a TiVo video recorder or a porn trip vacation. Paul can't take the vacation. He asked if he could have sex with Gary's wife instead. Howard told him he could if he just brings his sister in. Gary also offered him a watch from Steven Singer Jewelers. The guy finally agreed to try and bring her in so Howard can see how hot she is. Howard said he'd do that and send her to a modeling agency if she's hot enough.
Todd the Sexual Deviant Calls In. 7/20/00. 7:15am
This guy Todd who works in a nursing home called in to talk about how he pleasures himself in front of these comatose old people. Todd told Howard that the first time this happened was when he was changing an old guy's diaper. He claims he's not gay but he wants to ''share his sexuality'' with these old people who are no longer able to enjoy it. He said that he pleasured himself into the old guy's diaper. He said that he's seen a few comatose people get erections so he figures they can still sense the sexuality. Howard took a few phone calls and let some listeners yell at the guy about how messed up that is. Todd said that he's like to encourage others to do the same thing though. He didn't listen to the angry listeners and will continue to do this bizarre stuff.
Benjy Offered Free Sex At The Bunny Ranch. 10/3/00. 9:20am
They also brought up his (Benjy's) antics at Doug Goodstein's bachelor party where he performed oral sex on some of the strippers. Benjy swears that he had a piece of plastic cookie wrapper between his tongue and the girls so no fluids were exchanged. Gary was right next to him and said there was no plastic in there. The argued over that for a couple of minutes until Howard decided to take Benjy's word for it.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in to add to the discussion about how disturbing Benjy's behavior is. He called Benjy a liar. He said he's lying about the plastic in his mouth and he's just really disgusting. Benjy kept asking Ralph if he's ever had a STD (sexually transmitted disease) over and over again, trying to change the subject. It didn't work. Everyone kept on Benjy's back about it.
The subject eventually changed to the ''Sexiest Bachelor'' show on Fox last night. Everyone goofed on the contestants and how dumb they all were.
Benjy's looks were brought up again and he was telling everyone how women stop him on the street to tell him how great his eyes are. No one believes him about that either. Howard had Anne Marie come in to tell him the truth. She's too nice of a person to bad mouth anyone though. She tried to be nice about it by saying the color was nice. Howard asked Robin to tell him the truth. She came right out and said ''There's nothing attractive about him.'' Howard said his teeth are crooked, he's got blotchy skin and he's fat. Benjy pointed out that Howard's teeth are crooked too but that didn't take the spotlight off of his features. They eventually asked Anne Marie who she'd pick if Benjy and Stuttering John were the only two guys she could choose from. She picked John because he seems to be cleaner than Benjy.
Howard said some guys vacuum their penises off. Robin wondered why it would be that close to the blade. Howard said it did sound strange. Howard said guys do weird things and they make excuses for what they've done. Howard said some guys will have stuff stuck in their ass and they'll make up some weird excuse to explain it.
Robin read about how they've repaired these things before and it can work. Howard said he'd have his penis put on his wrist so he could use it as a sun dial. A human wrist watch.
Tara Vomits On Jeff For A PlayStation 2. 12/11/00. 8:05am
This guy Jeff contacted the show recently and requested to be vomited on by a woman. Howard found a woman willing to do that if she could win one of the PlayStation 2's that Howard had to give away. Jeff came in with his Psychologist Dr. Seth Farber who said he was there for support. He was also there to promote his book ''Madness, Heresy, and the Rumor of Angels : The Revolt Against the Mental Health System''. Howard spoke to Jeff for a couple of minutes and found out he used to be a garbage man. He was also a postal worker and now he's out on disability.. mental disability. He also told Howard that he's had this fetish since he was about 8 years old. He said he saw his 5 year old cousin puke at Thanksgiving dinner one time and he felt something come over him. Ever since then he's tried to find women to puke on him. He said it's hard to find women willing to do this. He went on and on about his fetish sounding more and more mental as he went on.
Howard brought in Tara who called in last week and told him that she'd be willing to do the puking. She just wanted one of these PlayStation 2 video game systems. She looked pretty good according to Howard. She was wearing leather pants and she had a nice body. Jeff read a bizarre poem to Tara about puking on him before she did it. He then got on the floor half naked while Tara stood over him. Gary refused to come in the studio because he was afraid he'd puke. Howard made him come in though. Tara tried a few times to make herself puke but it wasn't working. She took in some water and more food and eventually it all came up. She then proceeded to puke all over Jeff's body. Howard kept telling her to stop but she kept going. Howard said she must have covered 70% of his body with her puke. He said Jeff was aroused at one point and he just laid there on the floor with vomit all over him.
Gary said that he came very close to puking himself. He said his throat was raw from the vomit that rose up from his stomach. The whole thing just made him sick.
Howard told Tara that she won the PlayStation 2 courtesy of Buy.com. He took a couple of phone calls and let some people say what they felt about this guy. One guy said he was puking just hearing it on the radio.
Tara's boyfriend Glen was out in the green room complaining that he wasn't allowed in the studio to help Tara puke. Howard let him come in real quick just to say a few words. He said that he was the one who produced her for the show so he should have been let in. He said he also wanted to see the studio before Howard leaves. Everyone was grossed out by this point so Howard ended the segment and moved on.
Today's Grossest Week Ever was over around 10:50am.
Best of the Week / Grossest Week Ever was over around 10:40am.