|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
They played some audio from some people talking about this. Howard was goofing around making fun of how people have to call this guy father. Robin said she was making those jokes when she was in 2nd grade.
Howard had Ed McMahon (Billy West) on the phone. He picked up on him and asked him what he's up to. Ed said he had his new girlfriend there in the background. Howard asked about some of the amazing things they were reading about him. Howard asked if it's true he's dating Star Search models. Ed asked about one girl and Ed said he has a fiancee but she wasn't there with him. Ed also said he's working on a replacement for ''Hi-Oh'' which will be a turkey sound. He did the turkey sound for Howard. Howard asked what the girl's name was there in the room with him. Ed said it was Megan. Ed was joking around about how this woman should be acting like he's a giant stamp and she should lick it. He had Megan doing math for him too.
Howard asked if he's writing her a check as her lips go to greet her's. Ed said he had his hand on his pen right now.
Ed told Howard that he has an adopted kid and the reason he smells like booze all the time is because he's looking for a new mommy all the time. Ed told the girl to play with his saggy scrotum so Howard had to hit the delay on him. Ed told Megan that he's making out his new will to Megan. Howard had to cut him off when he was using the term ''put your mouth on me... now'' too much.
Howard asked what Johnny has to say about all of this. Ed said that he's his advisor. Ed was getting too graphic so Howard said they had to go. Ed still had more to say though. Howard asked where he was at. Ed said he's in Las Vegas. He said a few more things and Howard had him make that turkey gobble sound again before letting him go. Howard said he knows that was an imposter. He said it would be funny if it really was Ed. He said it couldn't have been too far off.
Fred played some music from ''2001 a Space Odyssey'' and some fart sounds to go along with that. Robin read more news about that colon sample thing. Robin said that you have to send it away for testing and then get tested for real.
Howard played more of the songs and said he can't take it. He figured Robin would be on their web site though. Howard said this one guy sounds like Sting with a head injury. He said he wasn't even able to turn it off. Howard said the site was HowsYourNews.com. Here's my original rundown:
Retarded Singers Web Site. 3/5/02. 7:15am
Howard was checking out a web site where you can use a Real player to listen to some retarded people singing songs. Howard listened to a couple of tracks on the site and got a few laughs out of it. You can check it out yourself at HowsYourNews.com
Fred was doing his impression of Mark Harris while Howard talked about how this is the big deal for Mark. He's going to be on for the funeral. Howard and the guys talked about Mark and Martha's relationship and goofed on him for a few minutes. Robin said that Mark was marred inside the U.S. but when he went to other countries then it wasn't so clear. Howard said Mark claims he never went for any buttocks when he was doing that stuff.
Howard played some audio of Martha on some TV show. Howard said she sounds like Jackie. He said her marriage with Mark was funnier than the show she was on. Gary said Mark swears that all of the money he got from her went to legal fees and there is none left. Robin said she'd like to see Martha's will. Howard said they have to get pictures of him at her funeral. He said it will probably be one of his own creations.
Howard said they should send flowers. He said that would be funny. Gary said he'll order them. Robin said maybe they can spend like $5.
Howard said they should send pansies. $500 worth of pansies. Jackie cracked up laughing when he said that. Howard said that would be funny. Gary asked what the card should say. Howard said ''Our condolences, you homo.'' Howard said they should send that with the $500 worth of pansies. Jackie was dying laughing during that discussion.
Howard and the guys were still goofing on Mark and doing their impressions of him. Howard asked if they can do that with the flowers. Gary said he's not sure. He said it's wrong but it is damn funny. Howard said they should send the pansies but maybe not the card. Gary said maybe they should do $200 worth of pansies. Howard said if they spend $500 then they'll probably have the biggest display there. Jackie said they should send an American Flag. Gary said that's probably the right thing to do. Howard wondered if they're going to bury her with her legs. Robin wondered if they're going to bury her in one of her outfits. Howard said he's sure they'll put her in full military regalia. Fred said that Mark will probably be buried in a soldier.
Howard said they have to do something big. He said they need to get it there before the cameras get there. Howard said they need to out ''The Howard Stern Show'' on the flag. He said maybe they can put an ad for ''Private Parts'' on it too. He said they could put ''Private Parts... coming 1995'' on it.
Gary said he'll get to work on this now. Howard told Gary to get a camera down there. He wants to see Mark working this into a whole thing. Robin said he'll end up doing a whole tour with it. Howard said he digs Mark. Robin said he must be upset today. Howard said he probably is. He said his goodbye to Martha after that.
Howard said one of their interns, Basil, is a big Martha Raye fan. Howard said Basil is only like 20 years old. Basil came in and said that he only saw what was on TV when he was growing up. He wasn't allowed to choose what to watch. He said his grandmother would watch things with Martha in them. He said she was on that show ''Alice'' and things like that. Howard said his parents must have been ogres. Howard asked Basil if he had anything to say about her. He didn't.
Howard said he has heard from some cops who claim they've seen Eddie with transvestites before. Robin had some quotes from some other people who claim the same thing.
Howard told Gary to rent every Eddie Murphy movie and they'll pull some clips to create a fake interview with Eddie.
Robin read about some other people that are going to tell some stories about Eddie. Robin said they say that this person was quoted as saying that they had been with Eddie before and Eddie had paid $200 just to look at her feet. Jackie said he'd rather hear he paid to have sex with the guy, not look at his feet.
Robin said Eddie says that if he wanted to have sex with this guy then he would have just turned down a dark alley. Howard said he thinks that he'd take him to a hotel instead. He said if just 1/10th of this is true then it's bad. Howard and Jackie were talking about how creepy the foot thing is. Howard said it's over for him after this. Howard said they should all go to his premiere barefoot. Robin said they should have painted toenails too.
Howard said they have unlimited ways of goofing on this whole thing. Robin said she loves how people made fun of Ivan Reitman and Betty Thomas for working with Howard but now this is all coming out about Eddie. Howard said now they have ''Dr. DoGuys'' with Eddie. He said that Betty Thomas is working with him on Dr. Doolittle. He said he'd bring this up with Eddie if he was Betty. He said he wanted to talk to Betty about it but this has to be really hard for her.
Howard said he doesn't think there's any chance that Eddie was just picking someone up who looked like they were in distress. Robin said they say he slowed down and picked up the person and the cops followed him for 2 miles before pulling him over. They told Murphy to go home and that he had picked up a prostitute. Howard said maybe he is just a good Samaritan. He said he's sure they'll hear more about it over the next few days.
Howard asked Jackie if he ever saw anything weird with Eddie when he worked with him. Jackie said he was really young at the time so he's not sure.
Robin said this happens to a lot of guys. She said that they stop somewhere and a woman leans in and asks them a question and they get caught. Howard said Joey Buttafuoco got caught that way. Robin said that the newspaper man that Eddie buys a paper from says that Eddie comes down to that area quite often. She said the guy says that as far as he's concerned you come down to that area for a reason. Howard said he wants Eddie to call in so they can straighten the whole thing out. He said the longer he waits the worse it's going to get.
The Topless Sun Bather Across The Street. 6/11/97. 10:25am
During a commercial break late in the show someone pointed out to Howard that there was a topless woman sun bathing on a building near Howard's building. Howard is on the 14th floor and the woman was on the roof of a building that was about 6 stories high. According to Howard, just about everyone at the station was standing at the window looking at the woman. Howard was so amazed that he had Robin go with him to take a look. Howard got the wireless microphone and brought Robin along with him. They starred for a few seconds and then decided to send Stuttering John over to interview her. Gary came into the studio and told Howard that the people at David Letterman's show could see her from their building also. About 10 minutes later John was ready to go to the roof. By this time the E! camera was on the woman zooming in. John made his way over to the woman with a cellular phone. When the woman saw John she put her top back on. John handed the phone over to her and Howard asked her if she knew that everyone in the area was watching her. The woman said she really didn't know but she wasn't too upset about it either. She's originally from Sweden but has been living in the city for 4 years. She left her top on after that. Howard ruined it for all of those people. What a shame...
Howard said that there are plenty of people who belong on that board over OJ. He mentioned this guy Bucky and Billy West went into his impression of Bucky who works there.
Howard said he wanted to figure out what was going on with this OJ thing. Robin gave him some details about the murder and how OJ was in Chicago at the time and flew home. Robin said they say that the murder happened around 11 and they say that his flight was around 11:45. She said he had time to do both. Howard said he can't believe that he'd be stupid enough to do that.
Robin said there was an incident where OJ was accused of pulling his wife's hair and threatening to kill her. Howard said he knows for a fact that he gets tons of models. Howard said he was bragging about how many girls he can get.
Robin said that OJ has two kids with Nicole and they were asleep in the condo when the murders happened. Robin said they're saying in the paper that a bloody glove was found at the home of OJ Simpson. Robin said a similar type of glove was found at the scene of the murder. Robin said they're doing forensic tests this week.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about OJ and then Billy West started doing his impression of OJ. Howard said they have to get the guy off the board. He said they need to find another black guy for the board. They wrapped up a short time later.
Howard played more of the clip and then took a call from a guy who told him he needs to get laid to calm down. Howard said this Terri Garr is talking about how great Warren Beatty is but these women are usually complaining about him being a womanizer. Howard said he does need to get laid. He said he doesn't get it enough.
Robin's News. 07/20/09. 10:05am
Robin said that Misha Barton had been sent to a psychiatric hospital last week. Howard said that makes her even hotter than she used to be. Howard said he thinks that she gained some weight too.
Howard played Robin in with a song parody that Richard made about her boobs. Robin started off with a story about a guy who was charged ''23 quadrillion dollars'' for a pack of cigarettes at a gas station. The bank fixed the problem for the guy.
Robin read some news about Michael Jackson's death and the kind of investigation they're doing. They are now saying they are doing it as a criminal investigation. Robin said they're holding off on the autopsy results for a few days. Robin had some news about the custody battle for Jackson's kids too. She said it looks like Jackson's mom is going to get custody of the kids instead of Debbie Rowe.
The guys spent a little time talking about what it would be like for Jackson's kids to be raised by Joe Jackson. Howard was goofing around talking about how he'd get his belt out and turn those kids into stars the way he did with Michael.
Robin said that Michael's mother may be contesting the will that was written in 2002. Robin said they're not sure why she would do that since she was left with his estate. Howard said he can't imagine her raising kids when she's a grandmother. Howard said his mother could never handle that kind of thing at that age. Howard ended up doing an impression of his mother and made fun of the way she used to complain about getting too much exercise and not getting enough rest.
Howard said he took his mother out to her favorite restaurant recently. He said it's her favorite Italian place. Howard said he asked her where she wanted to go and she told him it was the best lobster she had ever had. That was Scalinatella. He said that she didn't want to eat too much so he had to tell her to just not eat it all. He said she complained the whole time she had the food. He said that he told her to take it home so that's what she did. He said she took it home and ate it there and still complained that it was too much food. Howard said he told her to just cut it up into threes instead.
Howard said his mother used to be right up his ass with that stuff. He said that she was constantly involved. Howard said it would have been nice if he had a breather once in a while when he was a kid. He said she was always sure he was doing something wrong.
Howard and Artie were goofing on Michael Jackson about the anesthesia that he was allegedly addicted to. They were making it sound like he'd fall asleep after every sentence he said.
Robin said that the doctor's name was Dr. Long. Howard said this can't be a real story. Robin said it is a real story. Howard asked if Nurse Vagina is working there too.
Howard said that he knows that he must be really ugly because gay guys never hit on him. He said Gary is hit on them by a lot of gay guys and he has a bunch of funny stories to tell about that. Howard said they're like flies on honey with Gary. He said he must be a good looking guy.
Gary came in and told Howard about going out on a date with a girl once and he was at the packed bar and he heard a shriek from someone who recognized him by his butt. He had another story about a guy who shoved a flamingo in his butt. Howard said Gary must be good looking or he's just really stupid for letting guys shove things in his butt. Gary said he thinks he has that ''swarthy'' look that some gay guys like.
Gary said he was 16 and this guy he worked with was 50. He said the people who owned the place were mean to him. He said that he and the guy would hang out and have lunch together at work. He said the guy once asked him if he ever thought about having this act performed on him by another man. He said the 50 year old told him he did it in the army but it didn't mean they were gay. He said that he quit that job and got his friend into the job. Gary said that the same guy ended up grabbing his butt. His friend ended up knocking the guy over with an elbow to the chest.
Gary said he had other stories to tell too. He told Howard about what he had to tell. Gary said he had a couple of Siobhan stories to tell. Howard said he's not even a homosexual. He said that guy is just a freak.
Gary said he worked in an office and they had one of those prop flamingos there. He said one of the guys there shoved the flamingo head in his butt. He said the guy just laughed when he asked what the hell he was doing. Gary said he must be sending out signals that he doesn't know about.
Howard said they had a guest on the show who grabbed Gary's genitals. Gary said he was trying to put his hand down there but his belt was as close as he got. Howard said he thinks he got closer than that.
Robin read about how Anne was driving to a Lisa Loeb concert when she ended up at someone's door. Robin said that she was trembling and sweating at this guy's house. Howard said that sounds like a home run. They spent a few more minutes talking about the couple's break up and what they're saying caused it.
Crackhead Bob Sits In For The News. 08/14/1997. 8:50am
After another edited out break Howard said that Crackhead Bob was there doing something for him. He said that some guy put out a CD with him so he had him come in. He played some of the songs that they had Bob performing. He covered a Motorhead song called ''Ace of Spades'' so Howard played that one. Of course you can barely understand a word that Bob sings but that's the fun of it right?
Howard asked him if he knows the name of the song. Bob said the name but it wasn't quite ''ace of spades.'' Howard asked him what some of the other lyrics were. When he tried to say what they were, they still weren't very clear. He tried singing some of them again for Howard.
Howard said that Bob is going to be getting married and he wants to do it on the air. He said he's not sure he wants to do all of that on the air. He said that it would probably be boring to the audience. Howard asked him about the girl he's with and Bob said that things are going just fine.
Howard said he heard that Bob got into a fight in Cleveland. Bob said that he did. He was making an appearance out there and some guy sat in his chair so he beat him up. He had gone to the bathroom and when he came back, the guy was in his seat. He asked for the chair back but the guy gave him a hard time. Robin had to interpret some of that for Howard since he wasn't understanding it all.
Howard said he heard that Bob picked the guy up with his good arm and threw him across the room. Howard said it's pretty bad when you get beat up by a retard.
Howard asked Bob to say ''George Crackhead Bob Harvey'' since that's his full name. Bob had some trouble with it but he was able to say it eventually. Howard had him repeating after him to say some other stuff that he'd have to say at his wedding. Bob had some trouble with that.
Howard had Robin get into her news a short time later. She read a story about a father that turned in his son for a thrill killing of a fire fighter. Howard talked to bob some more about what he did before he had his stroke. He used to be able to drive a car. Bob said that he can't even do that anymore. He said that he actually cheated to get his license. Howard wanted to see what else they could get Bob to do. He wanted to have him try mountain climbing or water ski. Bob said that he did mountain climb one time.
Robin read through some more of her news and had a story about Jon Benet Ramsey. Crackhead Bob did a strange thing and made some weeping sounds. Howard didn't get why he was doing that and goofed on him about that.
Howard brought up the story about that serial killer that called in and how the FBI was asking for tape. He said that they cooperated with them fully of course.
Robin read through some more stories about Abner Louima, Claudia Shiffer and David Copperfield, and also about a new law for car jackers in Louisiana. That led to Howard talking about a guy who was being prosecuted for electrocuting an intruder in his home. Howard said that they had a guy out on the street interviewing people about that subject. He played those clips where most of the white people say it was okay to do that. When they interviewed some African American people, they thought that it was wrong to do that. Some of them said that it was a little harsh to electrocute an intruder. Jackie was laughing at some of those answers.
Howard said he'd like to get rid of some of the other parades they do there. Then he went into his Vietnam flashbacks. Howard said he has about 30 ears in his basement that he looks at to remind himself of his time in Vietnam. Howard said he still has the axe that he used to take out a whole school full of children. He said that he was told by his superior officers to do that. He spent another minute goofing around with that before ending it.
Howard played some audio of a guy announcing what they found in the autopsy. The guy was saying that Liberace had AIDS. That led to Howard doing his Liberace impression. He had Liberace talking about his driver and goofed around with that.
Pat said he can hear the tigers at night and if they ever get out they could attack other animals in the neighborhood. Pat said he doesn't give a damn. He was on the news standing up to the guy. Howard said Pat has balls and there are very few people like him left. Howard said Pat has always stood up to everyone. Pat said they're not in his league.
Howard gave Pat some plugs for his upcoming shows. Pat said they have a singer opening up for him. Howard said that guy isn't in his league. Pat said it doesn't matter. He said he's a genius of himself.
Howard said Robin has a tough task ahead of her. He said she has to do her news with Pat yelling over her. Robin got into some news and read one story. Howard asked Robin if she finds Pat attractive. Robin didn't answer immediately. Pat said she hesitated too long. Pat said this is the only country where we think sex is wrong.
Howard said he asked Pat if he has ever seen his pubic hair and Pat said he never looks at it. Howard said he found that hard to believe. Pat said he doesn't have time for that.
Robin read through some more news. Howard and Pat spent some time talking during those news stories. Howard said he had to get out of there though so he had Robin get through more news. Robin read a story about a study that was done that found some women are into Bill Gates. Pat said that he's tired of that and it's all about the Brillo pad down there. He went off on the vaginas and how it's not worth it.
Howard asked Pat about how he invests and Pat told him he puts it into bonds and stuff. Howard said he thinks he had tinnitus in his hears from Pat's yelling.
Robin read about how many billions of dollars Bill Gates is worth. Howard said it's amazing because Windows 95 really sucked. Pat asked what this WWW nonsense is. Howard told him what's out there and how it's all ads. He said he hates that WWW stuff himself. Howard said he had to take a break so he gave Pat some plugs for his upcoming stuff. Howard said Pat is right about the vagina stuff. He said that's what guys are always after and that's what OJ killed over. Howard said this stuff is pretty crazy.
Pat was about to leave but Howard told him to stick around. Robin had more news. She read a story about Michael Jackson that set Pat off again. They talked about how Jackson is going to sell pictures of his child to the papers.
Robin read about Elizabeth Taylor having a brain tumor. Pat asked who gives a god damn anyway. Howard said he's right. He said everyone cares because it's a big star and she didn't have to put the news out there. Howard said now she's famous for having her hips replaced and for having a brain tumor.
Howard wrapped up with Pat a short time later. He said that people must recognize him out there. Pat said they do recognize him sometimes.
Robin read about the Kennedy Center Honors show and how Aretha Franklin was there. Howard said that Aretha is huge. He said she wore a gown and she has these breasts that must be HHH-cups. He said the only thing covered were her nipples. Howard said you could see President Clinton and people in the audience trying not to look. Howard said his wife told him to turn it on and when he did he saw what she was talking about. He said it wasn't attractive either. Robin said there were some people who sang to Aretha there. She had some audio of that.
Howard said she's performing for Ethiopians and she's got these huge breasts. Howard said her name should be I'll-Eat-Ya Franklin.
Robin read a story about a parent who locked their child in a closet for 10 years. Howard said his parents locked him in Roosevelt for a good 20 years. Robin read about this family and how they locked up this one child and now they're under arrest. Howard said he heard her best friend is a coat hanger. Then Howard started doing an impression of the kid living in the closet and yelling about things that were making him nuts. Howard asked how they finally found the kid. Robin said it's not clear. She said that there were some anonymous tips that came in about it and the police were called.
Howard did his impression of the kid for a couple more minutes. He made up more crazy stuff that the kid would have to deal with in there. He went on with that for quite a while. He even did it while he was getting ready to end the show with the plugs.
And Finally... 10/06/04. 10:10am
Robin started her news after the break and Howard was already getting notice for the big announcement he made earlier in the morning. There were news stories about the Sirius deal spreading like wildfire already. Howard's father called in and told him how excited he is for him. He said he feels the same way he did the day Howard went to work for the station in Westchester. Howard said it does feel like a new beginning for him as well and he's really stoked about it. Ben told Howard he was glad he didn't call him because he liked they way they found out on the show today.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and asked if they have a portable player available yet for guys like him who are walking around all the time. Howard wasn't sure about all of the details about that yet. Vinnie was also asking if his archives will be going with him to Sirius. Howard hasn't worked out those details yet either. He wanted Vinnie to calm down with the questions because it's not a press conference. He had to hang up on him a short time later so Robin could finish up her news.
Robin had some audio of the creator of the show, Mark Burnett, talking about the show. Burnett explained how they vote people off and Howard said he's not going to watch that.
Howard talked about how cheap Jackie is. He said that he'll take a different, longer, route to work just to get in there cheaper. Howard asked if he takes the more expensive route when he's running late. Jackie said of course he does. Howard said Jackie has 50 times more money than John does but John has to pay the toll when he rides along. Howard said Jackie is saving just $35 a week taking that other route. Howard said he should just admit he's cheap.
Jackie asked John if he thinks it's because he's cheap. John wouldn't say. He said he thinks it's more of a ritual thing for him. He said it's like he has to do it. Howard said John told him that he thinks the houses Jackie has are crappy. He told him that in private. Howard said Jackie is cheap and that's it.
John asked why Jackie is generous to him. Howard said Jackie wants to have a friend, that's why. He said it makes him feel good because John is such a loser. He said Jackie is attracted to losers. Gary said Jackie is like a hippie. He said he'll give people nice gifts. Howard said he didn't give him a nice gift with that blue night light he got. Howard said he got a scrawny lobster once too. Howard said Jackie holds those parties where he serves food out of garbage cans.
Howard said Jackie will spend money on a party but only so he can drink. Howard said he still doesn't understand taking the Midtown Tunnel. Jackie said he likes going over the 59th Street Bridge. Howard said he likes it because it's free. John said it's the worst way to go.
Gary said he used to go through a really bad neighborhood to avoid the toll but he stopped one day just because he didn't want to do it anymore. Howard said Jackie is cheap and that's why he won't spend that money.
John asked Jackie why he doesn't take that bridge home. Jackie said the other way is quicker after the show. Gary said he can get Jackie a discount if he uses EZ Pass. He said he would save 50 cents if he used that. Howard said he heard you can get a passport at the post office. He had no idea you could do that. Gary said he thought that's the way it always was.
Robin said the teacher claimed it was liquefied feces that her students poured on her. They found that the feces was only on the inside of her clothes though. Howard said she must have had a lot. He said maybe she was afraid to go into the bathroom. He said he's just trying to put this all together. Fred played a bunch of different fart sounds while they were going over this. Howard said he's fascinated by this story.
Howard said feces is such a disgusting part of life. He said that he was making feces yesterday and thinking that he was all that and he ain't. He said he was on a bowl like a dog. He said he was wearing white underpants too so he could have been arrested. Howard and Jackie were talking about what a great word that is too... Feces.
Howard read some of the stuff he was finding and then Gary came in and told him about the Alan Ginsberg link. He said they have a quote from him where he talked about how he loves boys too and he doesn't think the taxing of the organization was right. Howard said they should burn all of his books.
Howard asked Robin if she likes eating cocks. Robin said she doesn't because they're tough. Howard said he's never eaten any cocks. Howard said the heads have beaks. He said it's not easy to eat. Robin read more about the cocks and Howard made cock joke after cock joke.
Robin read about John F. Kennedy Jr. and how they're making a TV movie about him. Howard was still goofing on the way they keep their Kennedy name and making up really long names with the Kennedy in them. Robin said they should just name the kids ''Kennedy.''
Today's ''And That's What's Happening'' was over around 10:55am.
Red was going to say what he thought Nicole was. He said she was a ''Vagunt'' but Howard was muting his mic by that point. Howard said that he has to watch what he says. Howard said that Red understands guys snapping. Red said he may have killed a few guys at his bar. He said he never touches the broads. Red said that OJ needs a pillow in his cell but they won't give him one. He said they should give him one. Howard said Red thinks that he can be rehabilitated too. Red said he does. He said they should let him out because he's a good ball player and he can entertain us.
Howard said if OJ does get off he's surely going to reward Red for his support. Red said he hopes he can hear this program in prison. Robin said he may not get a radio in there. Red said that's not fair. He said they should give him a radio.
They played an Dicky Goodman-like song about OJ after that. Howard said they have a lot of OJ stuff there. He asked Robin if she had more in her news. Robin's mic wasn't on so she was talking to herself for a few seconds.
Robin read some news about OJ and his cell that he's been staying on. She said he doesn't have a sheet on his bed because they're afraid of him trying to kill himself. Howard said he's not going to do anything. He said it's possible that he'll try to stab himself with his toe nails or try to bang his head against the sink. He said he could also try to drown himself in the toilet.
Howard said OJ has to be wondering what he's doing. He said he had all the women he wanted and all the fame he wanted. He said he even got movies once in a while. Howard said he's show that Navy Seals movie if he were the movie company. He said they're not sure what to do with it.
Howard said OJ had everything. He had women, money and free time. Howard said he had easier even more than Fred. He said that movie role was great for him too and now he's sitting in a tiny room eating jail food.
Howard said it must drive OJ nuts when you take a lady beater and you have a woman telling you that you can't have a pillow. Howard said that's good stuff for the movie. Howard said this must drive Red nuts. Red said a few things about what he would do if he were OJ. He said that's a typical broad not letting the man have his pillow. Red yelled about that stuff for a couple of minutes. Red ended up using that ''Vagunt'' word again. Howard let him go crazy with that for a couple of minutes.
Howard and Red discussed OJ for a couple more minutes. Red had Robin and Howard cracking up with some of his comments. Howard said he had to take a break and smack Red in the head over some of this stuff. Howard asked Red to calm down a little bit and let some other people get a word in. Red yelled that a woman's place is in the laundry room and the kitchen with some sprinting in between.
Howard asked Red if he watched the OJ chase. Red said if he had been on the scene he would have been on the bridge cheering him on. Red said OJ can stay at his place if he gets out of jail. He said he'd let OJ and AC Cowlings stay there.
Gary came in and said that they had a t-shirt that someone put out that says ''I Saw OJ, June 1994, on the Freeway'' with a picture of OJ's car on it. Howard said that he's going to wear that on the show tomorrow. He told Gary to put it in his bag.
Howard said this judge could have made OJ clean the blood off the sidewalk. Howard said he's serious about that. He said that this judge must have a hard on for celebrities. He said the guy is despicable. Robin said it happens to celebrities all the time. She said Howard must get some perks. Howard said he's not on the same level as OJ.
Robin read some more news and said that 1 in 4 women are battered in their relationships. She read about how domestic violence kills more than 10 women in the country every day. Fred played some of Jackie's laughs during those stories. Robin said it's not unusual for women to be killed this way. Robin said she found it odd that OJ had a guy named Kato hanging around his house. Howard said he never thought OJ had that kind of money. He didn't know he had millions and millions.
Howard said Robin asked him the other day why someone would ask the grand jury for immunity. Howard said he thinks the answer is that Kato has to admit he used to accept money for spying. Robin said she's not sure why OJ would ask Kato to spy on his wife like he did. Howard said he could have been doing that for a number of reasons. Howard said he'd get a real ugly guy to do that job. He said he's not into guys taking care of his kids either.
Robin read some details about Kato and his involvement in this case. Robin said they can't find a murder weapon. She said there were some other details about the case that have been coming out as well. Red was saying that it's simple and there is nothing that proves he's guilty.
Robin said that there's a woman who said she saw OJ driving his car the night he claims he was waiting at home for his limo. She said that OJ was driving his Bronco according to this woman. Howard said OJ never hit the stewardess on the flight that night. Red was still defending OJ and coming up with excuses for everything they'd mention.
Robin had some audio of some people discussing this case. Robin said they say that Ron Goldman was the first one attacked. She said that they had more details like that. Robin said that no one else is being investigated either.
Robin read a bunch of OJ case news. Howard asked if Leno and letterman are doing jokes about OJ. Robin said she's not sure. She hasn't been watching. Howard said there seems to be certain topics those guys won't deal with.
Robin described the scene with the kid in the pit and the parents finding him in there. Howard said he wouldn't have that much love in his heart to be lowered into an outhouse pit. He said he'd throw them a rope. He said he'd have to make one out of Jackie's pants if he didn't have one. Robin said that this guy let his wife do the dirty work to get the kid out. Fred played every fart sound he had as they were talking about that story. Robin told Fred to stop that. Fred played them even more.
Howard said he'd send the kids and the wife into the outhouse. He said that sounds like a nice weekend to him. Robin wrapped up her news after that.
Howard said it's hard to take anyone with that southern accent seriously. He said it makes them sound so stupid. Howard and the guys were goofing on Clinton as if he were a stupid hillbilly. Howard did an impression of Elvis and goofed on him a little bit too. Howard talked about how OJ used to think he was a cop. He would do citizen's arrests on people. Howard spent a few minutes talking about that and doing his impression of Elvis.
Howard asked if Pee Wee came to his defense. Robin said that Jerri Hall did come to his defence. She said that Jerri said that he's not the type to do that.
Gary said all you have to do is watch a movie. He said it just means that he's sleeping with the fish. Howard said he loves that Gary thinks he knows everything about the mob just because he's Italian. Gary said he just watched a movie to figure it out.
Howard said Gary annoys him. Gary said he's been trying to stay out of his hair. Howard said someone had to take the risk to pour fish in this guy's lap. He said that takes balls. He said they had to shoot him first and then put fish on his lap. Howard said it's enough of a statement to just kill the guy. He said you don't need to put fish in his lap. He said they don't need to kill everyone either. Howard said he's not sure why anyone would work for a radio station that kills its employees. Gary said it could have been many things that got him rubbed out.
Robin said this guy was a very powerful guy in the mob. Howard said that mob guys tell you not to talk about the mob. Howard said they say that you don't know them. Gary said he's not saying anything about them. He's just explaining what he figured out. Howard said he knew a mob guy who was having trouble and he knew the mob was coming after him. He said that he sent his whole block to Hawaii to get them out of there. Gary said that sounds a little far fetched. Howard said he didn't want any of his neighbors getting killed. Gary said he can't imagine anyone that nice. Howard said that's a story he heard.
After a fast forward we heard more of Robin reading about the stuff in the guy's lap and it turns out it was a jar of squid in his lap. It may have been his dinner. Howard said that means he wasn't sleeping with the fish. Robin said they say that he may have picked up some squid for dinner. Howard said those wacky Mafia guys. Gary said they've been watching too many movies. Robin said Howard was right and they wouldn't take the time to go back and put fish in his lap. Howard said he knows a guy who eats in his car and he's got a $40,000 Jaguar that he has spaghetti sauce stains on his carpet. Howard said squid is the most disgusting food.
Gary said he knew a guy whose family would have octopus for Christmas Eve. He said they'd buy the thing and cook it up for the whole house. Howard said he'd never eat anything like that. He said the head looks like Braniac 5's head. Howard said that's disgusting. He said some stuff black's eat is disgusting but octopus is disgusting.
The guys talked about some other wacky foods that people eat. Robin said that pigs knuckles are one thing that she's tried. She said that there is one tiny piece of meat in there that's really good. Howard said gefilte fish is disgusting. He said that isn't from any sea he knows about. Howard was still blown away by the octopus thing. Howard said he has seen it in a restaurant by accident. He said that the suction cup things are gross.
Howard said there are ways to get to him. He said they should drag him out in the middle of the night and kill him. He said they need a team with guys like Chuck Zito to go in and do it. He said they need the elite team that can do that. He said that's his plan.
Ted told Joan that no Kennedy pleads guilty. Robin said that all she has to do is pay a $677 fine. She said she has lost her license for 120 days and she'll be on probation for a year.
Ted was asking why she hit the fence. He went off on her for doing that and yelled at her. Joan said he's such a mama's boy. Ted said he's had it with Joan. He hung up on her.
Robin read more of the story and that got Ted and Joan back on the phone with each other. Howard did his Ted and Joan for a few more minutes. Joan was calling Ted a loser and goofing on him. Howard kept that going for a couple more minutes before wrapping it up.
Robin said that Axl Rose likes to use a whip and other things like that. Robin said there are people who say that Matt LeBlanc isn't so great as a lover. Robin had stories about Jack Nicholson, Jerry Seinfeld, Sylvester Stallone and others. Robin said that they say Sylvester has a penis pump. Howard said that can't be right. He said there must be a god if that's true. He said he needs more explanation about all of that.
Robin read about some of the other people who will be featured on the site. Howard said he's going to have to check that site out.
Howard said the way it goes is that a black family moves in and then the white family next door tries to sell. Then another black family comes in and looks at the house and buys it. He said the white families won't buy a house next to them because they're afraid that the value will go down. Howard said the white neighbors can't tell the rest of their neighbors because the other families will freak out. They end up moving out in the middle of the night.
Gary said he knew an old guy who lived in a house in the neighborhood. He said that his mom got up at like 3 in the morning and saw the moving truck out there. Gary said the guy sold the house to blacks and he didn't want to tell anyone. Gary said his mother was the only one who knew he was moving. No one else knew it because he moved in the middle of the night.
Howard said these houses were worth like $14,000 when they bought into them. Howard said that people thought they were going to lose their equity if they stuck around. He said it's a race issue but it's also a real estate issue.
Gary said he lived in a neighborhood with about 22 houses. He said within 3 years most of those houses were no longer owned by white families. He said that they all moved out within a couple of years. He said the families would deny that they were moving too. They would have boxes packed and furniture covered and they'd still say that they weren't moving.
Howard said he was willing to admit he was afraid of black skin when he was living in Roosevelt. Howard said his parents finally saw that he was unhappy and moved him out of there. Howard said his mother saw nothing wrong with putting him through that though. Howard said he had a lot of problems there. He said his mother's views are like 20,000 years into the future when people will get along.
Howard said his dad held out and got a decent price for his house. Richard said that the best thing for black families to do is chip in and buy one nice house and knock the rest of the house prices down in the neighborhood. Howard said that's not that original. He said that's kind of the way it works. They spent a few more minutes talking about that.
Robin read more details about that and Howard said that's a cold thing to do. Robin said it's a horrible thing to happen to you. Howard said it sure is.
Craig Gass Sits In For The News. 08/08/2002. 9:05am
Howard introduced another mystery guest for Robin's birthday celebration. It was ''Gene Simmons'' (comedian Craig Gass, IHateComedians.com) who said a few words to Robin. Howard then introduced Craig and said that he got a part on ''Sex and the City'' that airs this Sunday night. Craig said that he plays the part of ''the fat guy'' who's dating Miranda. Artie wondered how he's getting ''fat guy'' roles and he's not. Craig said he's gained a bit of weight but he's not that big. Howard said he's not disturbingly fat so it's believable that he'd date this chick.
The Ghost of Robin's Father called in to wish her a happy birthday. It turned out to be Sal the Stockbroker who managed to get the delay button hit on him.
Howard said Craig was running around the station saying that he turned down a network development deal worth ''hundreds of thousands of dollars.'' Craig said that he only told John about it and it wasn't ''hundreds of thousands.'' Howard told him that's like running around telling the whole station. Craig said he's got other stuff in the works and he didn't want to commit to just one network. He said the deal would have meant that he could only appear on that network and he didn't want that. He mentioned something about HBO wanting to do some movies with him and stuff like that. Meanwhile, Howard pointed out that he'll be appearing at Uncle Funnies in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida from August 14th to the 18th. Howard moved on to Robin's news and had Craig and Dave Chappelle hang out to comment on stuff.
Daniel Carver from the KKK called in to wish Robin a happy birthday. He had nothing bad to say about her today. Howard said this is the first time he's been on the show that it seems he actually likes Robin. Daniel said she's never done anything to him and he can't say anything bad about her. He said he also likes George Jefferson and Eddie Murphy too because they make him laugh.
Howard asked Daniel if the KKK could remove his hood if other members found out he's wishing Robin a happy birthday. Howard gave Daniel a hypothetical situation and asked if all of the black people had to be sent back to Africa tomorrow, would Robin have to go. He said she'd have to go and so would Eddie Murphy and George Jefferson. He said he wouldn't even write to her.
Howard was still impressed with the progress Daniel has made since he was able to call in and wish her a happy birthday. Howard said this is also the first time Daniel hasn't used ''the N-word'' on the air. Robin used it so Daniel pointed that out and got a laugh out of it. Daniel said he's 52 years old and also said that if Robin is 50, and she's black, she probably won't live much longer.
Howard said he was almost thinking Daniel was calling in from the Martin Luther King center. Artie started quoting some of the stuff Daniel mentioned in the message Howard played earlier. That started to get him revved up so Howard wanted to cut him off before he got carried away.
Howard got off the phone with Daniel and talked about how amazing it was that he didn't say ''the N-word.'' He's still a racist but it seems that he's taking ''baby steps'' toward getting over his racism.
And Finally... 08/08/2002. 9:40am
After taking a break Howard talked to Dave about his new TV show that he's going to have on Comedy Central. Dave told him about what it was going to be like and described it as a ''weird show'' with bits and sketches. He said that it's going to be starting up in January and he'll be moving back to the city to shoot it.
Dave said that they might be shooting some stuff at the comedy clubs in the city. Howard told him to let him know when he's there so he can come check him out.
Craig Gass told Howard that Dave is the funniest guy out there right now too. Howard didn't know what voice he was doing with that comment. Craig had to go into his Sam Kinison after that. Howard asked Craig about doing Sex and the City and what he gets to do in his scenes. He said that he gets to do some sex scenes and it gets pretty graphic. Howard had Craig do some of his other impressions like his Al Pacino.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read through a few more stories while Craig and Dave stuck around. Craig did some more of his Sam Kinison voice during some of the stories.
Howard took a few more mystery calls for Robin. He had Michael Buffer and a few others call in with some quick birthday wishes. Howard also had this guy Mike come in before they ended the show. Mike said that he wanted to tell Robin how lovely he finds her. He said he had some sweaty palms this morning so Howard told him to wipe them on KC's crotch.
Mike told the guys that the show keeps him going and it really means a lot to him. He brought in some flowers for Robin so Howard thanked him for that.
Howard took a call from a wheezing Sal the Stockbroker who was pretending to be Mohammed Ali. A few more people called in with birthday wishes and then Howard wrapped up the show. He thanked Dave for coming in and thanked a few other people who called in. He ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard said he likes what these scientists are doing. He'd like to be able to have spare parts available. Howard said they can grow a head too. He said he'd like to have a head transplant. He said he's all for cloning. He said it's going to lead to even more of an evolution of man.
Howard said that he won't say the guy is guilty until he's proven guilty. He said Mia Farrow has some interesting taste in men. She used to be into Frank Sinatra. Howard said Woody is a weird guy. He said he is a very disturbed and sad individual. He said this is the lowest thing he could do if it's true. Robin said he had people calling him a genius and now he's doing this. Robin said he couldn't take it and just be ignored. She said that he had to be in the press and this is how he did it. Howard said it must not be easy to get girls. He said it must have taken 2 chocolate bars to get her. Howard said it's not good for a 21 year old girl to have her name in the paper either.
Howard said they should go to Michael's Pub tonight and see if he's there playing Clarinet. Howard said Mia Farrow gave him 12 years of her life and now Woody is dating a Korean girl. Robin said if she felt she was having feelings for the child of the woman she allegedly loved, she'd take herself out of the situation. Howard said this is why step-fathers are no good. He said he's not even sure if this is true though.
Howard said he agrees with the guy in Vegas who files against him. He has to get off the air. He told them to give him some heroin and a bathroom so he can pass out and smash his head into a sink and die. Howard said he hears it's like one, big, orgasm and he needs one of those.
Robin started to read some news but Howard's mother, Ray, called in. Howard picked up on her and she was saying that Howard should calm down. Ray said it was his life's dream to be on the air. Howard said he's had his dream and it's time to clear the way for the Greaseman and Rush Limbaugh. Howard said he was going to put it to her this way. He said that she married his dad to have sex and she hasn't had sex since 1965. Ray said this is about Howard's belly aching and his job. Howard said his mother has been replaced by David Letterman's mother. He said he was the one to do it first and Dave stole the idea and they call Dave the genius. Howard said he's sick of it all. He said he's not going to have his show tampered with by this Andre the retard. Howard said Tom Chiusano is as empty headed as a Teddy bear. Howard said he's tired of his lackies and he's had enough of doing radio.
Ray told Howard to just do his job. She said he's capable of it. Howard said she hasn't had a job since she was 17. Howard said he turned out to be some man. Just look at him. Howard said she raised a son that can't even function. Robin said she was just lauding her for being a great mom. Howard said his sister is but he's not.
Howard said he was watching Jeffrey Dahmer's father on TV the other night and he was wondering what he did wrong.
Howard asked Ray what she thought of his new beard. Ray asked what he's trying to hide from. She said that no one can see what he looks like. Howard said he's not attractive and maybe he didn't have good genetics.
Howard let his mom go but Billy West started doing his impression of her. Billy was muffling his voice and goofing around with that.
Howard said his parents have been miserable without him being there. He asked when they're going to get Alzheimer's so they don't remember him. Billy was doing more of his Ray impression and had her telling Ben to do things around the house. Howard said he hears that voice in his head. He and Billy played with that for a short time.
Billy pretended that Howard was choking her. Howard said he didn't hear the voice anymore. Fred played the body dropping sound effect while they were doing that. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that.
Robin read about Barry White winning an award. She had some audio of him making his acceptance speech. Billy did an impression of that too.
Gary told Howard that he had a psychologist on the phone. She wanted to talk to him about his relationship with his mother. Howard got her on and she was saying that Howard is very creative and he can't be limited. She said that she obviously doesn't listen to what he's saying. Howard said he has a legitimate problem there. He said he'd be sitting at home if he listened to what she said. The woman said that Howard is exhausted from the past 6 months and it's okay that he's saying that. Howard thanked her for calling in. He said she doesn't sound like she knows a thing.
Robin said that they identified one man via video tape and they have questioned the two leaders of the groups. Neither one has come up with any information though. Howard said he heard that Lil Kim's posse got licked. He said he's never seen her posse. He said he understands her posse is groomed and it smells good too. He said he'd love to be in her posse. He said he could do this all day long. Howard said he'd like to enter Lil Kim's posse but he might be too big to be in there. Howard said he's not sure how big it is but once a month he'd have to take a few days off from her posse. Howard asked if anyone fingered her posse when they were being questioned. Jackie was cracking up at all of that. Robin said there were no leaks from her posse. Howard said Robin is the only one in the room who has a posse. Robin read about an earthquake happening somewhere but Howard was still on the posse thing. He kept that going for a couple of minutes.
Howard said Gary took this course too. He said he should come in and talk about that. Leslie was still going off on John doing his Porky Pig impression. He wouldn't let John talk. Howard was cracking up but he wanted to know more about this course.
John said that the teacher said they should go home and get in touch with themselves and masturbate. Leslie was still interrupting. John said Leslie is just mad because he hasn't seen his genitalia in years.
John told Howard about some of the stuff they watched in that class. Howard let him go but Leslie was still interrupting. Howard asked Leslie to let him answer a little bit. Robin ended up getting back to her news and read more about the story she started earlier.
Robin read a story about a guy that hung himself and the mother is pointing the finger at a football player. Robin said that the kid used a book to learn how to train and the book was one that was used by this pro football player.
David and Howard spent a minute talking about Liberace. Howard said he wanted to do the Connie Francis thing but he didn't have her music. He looked around and eventually found something to play. He played ''Where the Boys Are'' and Robin said that's the song she sang recently. Robin said she's out and about doing her thing.
Howard and David talked more about Connie and also about Bobby Darren. They were also talking about how Nixon gave Elvis a badge and he'd think that he was a cop and he'd pull people over. Howard ended up doing his Elvis impression and had him pulling someone over. Robin read some details about what Elvis used to do an Howard did his impression along with that.
Howard asked David if he knew Elvis. David said he did get a note from him once. He said Elvis told him he was a fan. Howard asked if he saved the note. David said he has it somewhere.
Robin read about a social card that a Denver clinic will create for you to show that you don't have any social diseases. Robin said that the question is when do you ask a person what they have. Robin said that the first date isn't the right time. She said the common advice is to bring it up saying you read something in the paper and ask the person if they have anything.
Howard said he watched a great movie on vacation. He said he didn't know the name of it. He said he saw the Omen IV. He said it would be great if Satan impregnated Kathie Lee. Howard said that would be great if it was the demon seed inside Kathie Lee.
Robin said Kathie Lee has said that she's found her way to her religion through Frank. Howard said he thought she was Jewish. Robin said that her father was Jewish but Kathie Lee's mom started watching TV ministers and got all caught up in that and turned the whole family Christian. Howard said they should name her Kathie Jew Gifford so she won't forget where she came from.
Howard had Steve the engineer in to play the part of Woody Allen. Howard asked Woody some questions and Woody had some answers written for him. Howard asked Woody what he's learned and Woody said he's amazed at the sexual favors he can get in trade for a Hershey bar.
Howard asked Woody what he does during the day. Woody said he likes to go to Dillon's brownie meetings with no underwear on. Howard asked Woody some other questions and asked what he did around Christmas time. Woody didn't want to answer. Howard said he must be checking with his lawyer. Howard asked again. Woody wasn't able to get his lines out.
Howard asked Woody about Soon Yi and Woody said she somehow enjoys his old Jewish penis. Howard said she's so much younger though. What does he talk to her about? Woody said he likes to feel her up while she stirs the wok.
Howard asked Woody why he's no longer in love with Mia. He said she has such small boobs he has to stare at the children. Howard said he thinks that they're the only station that has had Woody on. He said he's welcome on the show any time. Woody said he likes coming on because he can get girls under 12.
Howard asked Robin if she had any questions. Woody said once you go Oriental, you never go back. Robin asked what kind of surprise he had for them. Woody said it was a great surprise to be able to dump Mia and bed down her kid.
Howard asked woody what he does at Mia's house all day. Woody said he kisses Dillon on her fanny while she reads the Weekly Reader. Woody said he likes to lick Soon Yi like an Elvis stamp. He said he's also ruined a lot of pairs of underwear while watching Sesame Street. Woody said that Mia and Dillon have the same build.
Howard asked Woody about forcing Dillon's head into the spaghetti. Woody said he did that as a sex exercise. Woody said that he can't wait to have sex with Soon Yi, he's never broken the legs of a new born.
Robin asked if he feels he's taking advantage. Howard asked if he's going to marry her. Woody asked ''why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?''
Howard said Woody wants custody of the kids so why is that. Woody said he taught Dillon to put a condom on him with one hand. Robin said she hopes he's joking about all of this.
Howard asked Woody to make a serious comment about this. Woody said that Dillon is the right height to wash his genitals in the shower. Robin asked Woody why he thinks he should have custody of the kids. Woody told her not to rain on his parade. Howard asked what he did for Christmas. Woody said he went caroling with Dillon's friends and felt their little asses. Everyone was cracking up at that. Even Woody broke down laughing toward the end of his comment.
Howard asked what he's going to tell the psychiatrist about Soon Yi. Woody said something about Soon Yi sweating during sex and how that makes him feel only 15 years older than her. Howard asked Steve if he had fun in there. He barely said ''yes'' to Howard. Howard said he can ad lib if he wants to.
Howard asked Woody to say one last thing. Woody was done by then. Robin said she thinks he said enough. Howard said that was actually Steve the Engineer and not really Woody. Steve told Howard he's the King of All Media as he was leaving.
Howard said he thought Mark was a good VJ though. He said that could have been Gary's job. Howard said Gary really blew in his interview. Gary said they're still looking for VJs so he could still get the job. Howard said he wants to hear Gary's interview. Gary said it's packed. Howard said he wants him to go unpack it. Gary wasn't going to do that.
Howard said he liked the VJs they had there and he's not sure why they hire these young people to take over. He said he liked Martha Quinn and Nina Blackwood. He said he'd like to wrap Nina around the bed post.
Gary said that they told him that they took his audition very seriously over there. Howard said Steve Leeds is a groupie and he was just telling Gary that to make him feel better. Howard said Gary has no personality. Howard said it's his personality that lets Gary's shine through. Howard said he's repulsed by Gary and how he went there and didn't tell him about the audition. He said he was hiding from him and he was going to leave the show if he got that job.
Howard said Gary is good for about 10 grand a year with his personal appearances. Howard said he's trying to point out to people how good he is to him. Howard did some calculations and figured Gary was making about 78 million. Howard said he must have messed that up. Robin said he must be making about $53,000 a year. Gary said that he has a defense there. He said that he isn't making all of that money for the whole year. He said he's not making nearly as much as they think.
Howard said he's making good money for him. Gary said he's ruining it because he has to hit Tom up for a raise. Howard said he needs to get a raise before Gary does. Howard told Gary to get out of there before he gets sick. He told Gary to go work for his father's ice cream truck on the weekends if he has to. Howard said Gary doesn't have the balls to ask Tom for a raise so he does it on the air. Gary said Tom always finds something he's doing wrong so he can't ask for a raise.
Howard told Gary to make sure his friends can get into the TV show. He said his friend Tim wasn't able to get in. Howard kicked him out and went off on him for not even being able to type. Howard said he should have an assistant to help him out. He said Gary can't type so he can't ask him to send anything out that needs to be typed. Howard said he wants Gary to go to typing school. Gary said he went to typing school. He said he can type.
Howard said Gary got him really mad when he went out with that girl that was on the show. Howard said there was one girl he got who was kind of loony. He said she was nice though. Howard said Gary nailed her. Gary said that was before he met his girlfriend. He said she doesn't live in this town anymore either. They spent another couple of minutes on that before going to break.
Howard played some audio of him trying to interview Mandy Smith. She was acting like she didn't know what he was talking about when he asked her about Bill Wyman. Howard said he had her on the show in England while they were over there. Howard said that she refused to answer anything and
Howard said he kept asking her over and over about Bill Wyman and she just didn't get that it was all he had to talk to her about. Howard played more of the audio and said he doesn't know what he was doing with that dummy. He said sometimes he has to interview dummies like that. He said he never even saw her modeling in a magazine or anything so he had nothing to talk to her about.
Howard said that these people make interviewing Kimberly Taylor from Penthouse magazine a walk in the park. Howard said he had to get by with his brains to make a living. He said this girl never did and she has no idea what it's like. Howard said she just spread her legs to make a living.
Howard played more of his interview with Mandy and he was trying to get her into the interview. She just told him to ask her about other things and not about this Bill Wyman thing.
Howard said he'd like to ask the parents of these kids why they let them do that. He said he wanted to ask Priscilla Presley's parents and also Mandy's parents. Howard said Bill Wyman is older than Mandy's parents.
Today's ''And That's What's Happening'' was over around 10:55am.
Howard jokingly said that Gilbert had punched him in the face. He was referring to getting punched in the face by Elayne Boosler's people at an event they were at. Howard asked Gilbert if he's written material for her. Gilbert said she's stolen a lot from him. Howard said Sam Kinison told him that she stole a lot from some other people too. Howard said he's going to sue over that. He said it was a sucker punch. Howard said the guy walked over like he was going to sit down and then threw the punch. He told Gilbert how Gary and some other guys jumped on him.
Howard asked Robin what she had in the news. Robin read about a police officer dying in the line of duty. Robin said he was 25 and on patrol. He got into an altercation with two men and they shot him. The bullet went under his bullet proof vest and killed him. Howard said you have to be nuts to be a police officer in New York. Robin said they're not sure if it was drug related or not. Howard and Robin spent a short time discussing that story.
Howard asked Gilbert if he watched Oprah. She had black guys who only date white women. Gilbert laughed. Howard said one woman was saying she only gets asked out by black guys. White guys won't even ask her out. Robin said Oprah was just about orgasming with those guests. Howard said Oprah didn't ask why they date ugly white women and not good looking black women. He said that's what she should have asked. Howard said all of the white women were ugly. Howard said this one woman was speaking in a black dialect. He said she thinks she has the right to do that because she's dating black guys. Howard said there was a lot wrong there. He said the reality is that it should have been every black guy in the country in that studio. He said every black man will date a white woman occasionally.
Robin got back to the cop killing thing and Howard wondered how he got on the Oprah thing. Robin read some more about the guy who shot the cop and how he was working in a pizza parlor after getting out of prison.
Howard said Gilbert has set his sights high with women in the past. He said he was trying to pick up a playboy chick at one point. Gilbert said he's set his sights lower lately. Howard asked if he's gotten any lately. Gilbert said with the whole AIDS thing he's looking for a serious relationship. He said he can wait.
After an edited out break Howard mentioned Gilbert and Robin said that he said his last name wrong. He said ''Godfrey'' instead of Gottfried. That led to Gilbert doing his Arthur Godfrey impression. He had Howard cracking up at that. Howard interviewed him as if he were Arthur and Gilbert improvised all of his answers. Howard and Gilbert kept that going for a few minutes. Howard had Gilbert saying all kinds of outrageous things as Arthur.
Howard brought up David Brenner and how he told them about stuffing cocaine soaked cotton swabs up his nose for his back pain. That led to Gilbert doing his Brenner impression. Gilbert did that for a couple of minutes too. Howard said Brenner was on Larry King the other night and he was talking about the cocaine swabs things. He said it was very upsetting because they want to take that away from him.
Howard asked David if he threw out his back by sleeping with all of those women. Gilbert joked that it was from sleeping with stupid white women.
Robin said they have to talk about Darryl Strawberry and Keith Hernandez getting into a fight down at training camp. Howard told Gary to get Darryl on the phone. Robin said the two of them started to fight but the team pulled them apart. Howard said he heard it was all over the news last night. A minute later Howard said he had Darryl on the phone. It was Fred calling in from the back office. Fred was doing his black voice and joking about the situation with him and Keith Hernandez. They spent a minute doing that and goofed on Elayne Boosler during the call too.
Gilbert got back to his impression of Arthur Godfrey for a minute. After an edited out break Robin read some news about David Letterman and his show. Howard ended up asking ''Arthur Godfrey'' some questions about that. Gilbert did his impression again and goofed around with that for a few seconds. Robin read some news about David Letterman and Merrill Markoe. Howard said she wants her own TV show now. Howard said he met her over at Letterman's show and she asked his wife how she could be married to him.
Robin read some more news and Gilbert stuck around to throw in some jokes. Howard went to another break a short time later. After the edited out break Howard came back and Gilbert did more of his Arthur Godfrey impression. Robin read some more news stories and had one about a guy who tried to hire a hitman to take out his wife. The undercover cop in the case faked the death by bringing the guy the driver's licenses of the people he wanted dead. Robin said the guy was arrested and the wife is still with the young man she was with.
After another edited out break Robin read some news about Todd Bridges. Howard said he was on Entertainment Tonight the other night and it may have been the funniest thing he's ever seen. Robin said his bail has been set at $2 million. Howard said Todd was saying that he's really famous now that he's in jail so he should get some work out of it. Robin said that was a career move for him.
Robin had some news about the Aryan Woodstock that's taking place this weekend. Robin said that's out in the Napa Valley. Robin said they're trying to get it stopped out there but the skin heads won't let them. Robin said they're supposed to have some bands playing out there. Howard asked Gilbert, as Arthur Godfrey, some questions about that and both of them were cracking up. Robin wondered how this is going to be different than the original Woodstock. Howard had some ideas about how different it would be. Howard said he imagines it'll be much calmer than the original Woodstock. He said Leslie West won't be there to get people crazy.
Robin said there are some jazz musicians who are holding a benefit for Woody Shaw. Robin said he fell onto the tracks of the subway and lost an arm when he was hit by a train. Robin said he's in the hospital so they're trying to raise some money for him. Howard said if any blind people are listening, and he knows there are because they think this is television, they should not go into the subway without someone to help. Howard said it's too bad it's jazz musicians trying to raise money. He said no one ever goes to see jazz so they'll never make any money.
Howard said he had the Elayne Boosler tape mixed with the Hindenburg guy. Howard said Scott worked on this for a month. He played the clip where he was calling Elayne over to his table at this event and one of her people sits down and then throws a punch at him. They mixed in the Hindenburg crash clips into that. Gilbert was laughing at that. Howard asked if they were still doing the news. Robin said no so they ended it.
Howard asked Eddie Money what he uses. He said he's the same as Dee. Dee said that he'd use the one with the reservoir tip if he had to. Dee then smelled that someone had farted in the studio. Howard asked Eddie if he had done it. Everyone was freaking out over the awful smell in the studio. Dee was saying that someone should light a match. Howard said it just made it over there. He said he wanted to know who did it. Eddie was the only one not making a sound.
Howard asked who did it. Eddie blamed it on Steve Rossi. Howard said Eddie never used to do that on the shows he'd appear on. Jackie sang a line of ''Walk Like An Egyptian'' as ''Walk Like You Just Cut One.'' Howard said Eddie has the nerve to cut the cheese in a small room like that has balls. He said that he did go platinum with his album. Howard said he's done with the news after that.
Billy was doing his Ted Williams with a stroke impression. Howard said that's a new one for his repertoire. Billy went into his Jackie impression during that story too.
Robin tried to read some more news but Howard and Jackie were cracking up at Billy. Robin read about Michael Jackson doing a concert and not singing by himself. She said that the audience got angry when they found out that he wasn't performing alone. Howard said he wishes that Michael had molested him. He said he'd love to have $20 million. Robin said they're saying they don't know if NBC is going to edit out the boos that Jackson got when they air the show. Robin said that Janet Jackson and Michael's brothers are in the show. Howard said it's a concert of a bunch of people you don't want to see other than Michael. Billy did an impression of Jackie singing with the Jackson 5. Fred got in on that too. They had Jackie not being able to sing with that wacky voice of his.
Robin read about Heather Locklear being out at some club there in New York. They say she had a few too many to drink and she was all over the dance floor. Howard said he was out at a strip club and he'd like to know where these famous people are. Robin said this was a dance club, not a strip club. Howard said he didn't even know that club existed. Howard said he goes to Scores. He doesn't want to wait around for women to not take their clothes off.
Robin read about Kathie Lee Gifford threatening to leave the show with Regis. Robin said they say she's talking about doing other TV shows and a Broadway show too. Howard said he watched the show on Monday and he can't take his eyes off her body. Billy West did his Kathie Lee impression while they were talking about her. Howard goofed on the names they gave Kathie Lee's kids, Cassidy and Cody. They spent a few minutes goofing on Kathie Lee and came up with some new names for kids that she could use. Howard said that she could name them Wyatt Lee Steinberg since she is Jewish. Howard had the guys cracking up and he was laughing himself. Howard was barely able to speak from laughing so much.
Robin read about Dennis Miller saying that Jay Leno lied on the Larry King show. Dennis said he was told he could come on the show and not talk. Howard said that Dennis should get over it because it wasn't Jay behind all of that. It was Helen Kushnick who was keeping guests off of other shows. Howard said Dennis has to move on with it and get over it. Howard asked Jay what he thinks about this. Billy West did his Leno impression and had a conversation with Howard about it.
Robin read about Joan and Melissa Rivers filming a new movie up in Vancouver. Howard did his Joan impression and goofed on her for a short time.
Gary came in with some ratings. He told Howard they went from an 8.5 to an 8.6 and there is no one in sight that they even care about. Howard said that's because everyone sucks. Gary said he's number 1 as usual. Howard said that's why he wants to quit while he's ahead. Howard thanked the fans for doing that for them. He said as unbearable as it is around there it is gratifying to know that people enjoy what he does.
Robin read more about Joan and Melissa's movie. Howard said poor Edgar is in the grave and Joan is out dating young guys. Howard said that almost ruined her career when her husband died. Howard said he heard they're going to use his corpse in the movie though. Howard said they dug him up, stuffed him, and they're using him in the film. Gary said he can't believe he talks about that in front of Joan when she's in there. Howard said all of the Edgar scenes are actually him just being controlled like a marionette puppet. They messed around with that for a couple of minutes before wrapping up.
Howard said Fred is like this guy. He said that he's kind of surprised that Fred hasn't done something like this. Fred said he should be insulted by that. Howard said he has the most normal life out of all of them. Fred and Robin laughed at that. Robin said the only reason he has a normal life is because his wife makes him. Howard said he's much more normal than Fred. Robin was goofing on Howard about that so Howard said he can get into her wackiness too.
Howard asked Gary who has a more normal life, him or Fred. Gary said that's tough. Fred said that Gary is the guy who will sleep with anything. Gary asked where that came from. Gary said that Fred has become much more normal. Howard said there was a time when he and Robin were afraid of Fred. He said that they didn't even want to go to his apartment.
Howard talked about the weird stuff that Fred used to do. Fred was getting worked up going off on Howard about that. Howard said he must be wrong, it wasn't Fred he was thinking of. Howard said Fred is normal now. He told him to take it easy. Fred said Howard must be right. He's right all the time. Howard asked Fred to change his IV.
Howard said Robin didn't date for 2 years. Robin said she knows she was out of it then. Gary said everyone on the show is very quirky. They had to take a break a short time later.
Howard said he would have gotten huge grades if his mom hired a hot chick to do that for him. He said he wouldn't want his mom doing it though. He said that's some strange stuff. They played some porn clips and Howard jokingly said ''Hey mom, buy more condoms, I just aced my test.''
Howard said he's pretty sure he could have done better in school if he had an incentive like this. He said it wouldn't have worked if it was his mom though. He said it would have to be another woman.
Howard said he wants out of the death pool but a bunch of the guys there want to keep it going. Howard said they can keep it going but he's out. Gary said they can come up with a new list and not use the old list. Scott DePace was in talking about the great ones they had on their list. Howard said he's out. They're all out right now. Robin said they should reshuffle and play again. Scott said Howard has some good ones on his list. They went over some of those and then wrapped up and went to break.
Robin read more about Marv and Howard did his impression of Marv saying ''Yesh!'' Howard said the guy drives him crazy. He said it would be kind of funny if he ended up in jail for the rest of his life. Howard did more of his ''Yesh!'' and goofed on him some more. Howard said he knows he's supposed to be the tough guy but that voice is awful. Howard asked who actually yucks it up like that. Howard said he sounds like an announcer on Z-100 or something.
Robin read about what this woman claims Marv did to her. She says that he bit her viciously and severely on her back. Howard asked how the cops know it was him. Robin said that the woman claims he forced her to commit sodomy. Robin said her flesh was ripped and some of the bites were very deep. Robin said one source says that Albert became angry when she didn't bring another woman to have a three way.
Howard told the guys to turn off Rosie O'Donnell's show. They had it on the studio monitor for some reason. He said he can't stand her. He said he heard that she's not so nice to her staff on that show. He said she's all raggy too.
Robin had some audio of a spokesman talking about what they had found in this Marv Albert case. Robin said Marv is saying that he is innocent and he will defend himself vigorously.
They played another news clip where Robin was talking about Marv Albert. In this one Robin said NBC isn't sure if they're going to keep Marv on. Howard said they don't have any proof that this happened so they can't fire the guy. Howard said they're ruthless over there. Robin said Marv has been accused of having rough sex with a woman after she refused to let another man into the bed. Robin said they are now saying that this woman has some other legal problems. She may have threatened her ex-boyfriend with murder. She had some details about that. Howard said that's good news for Marv. He said he may get off because of that. Howard wondered if Marv will wear his toupee to court. He was also wondering if he'll have a normal voice when he's in jail.
Howard said he still can't believe that NBC wants to bail on Marv. Howard said they were ready to bail on him right after this came out. He said it's bad out there for broadcasters. He said they're all cowards at these companies. Howard said CBS bailed on jimmy the Greek. Howard said that he's sorry he ever came over there. He said they're carrying that company. Howard said Gary's theory about the woman is that she bit herself on her own back. That made Jackie laugh really hard. Gary said Jackie laughs at him harder than he laughs at his own jokes. Howard said those teeth are funny. Jackie said his ass is catching up to them.
Jackie said that Gary is mad at him and he didn't read the note he sent. Gary said he sent a note back. Gary told Howard he has 10 years of material he could play featuring Jackie and his wife. Gary said he's going to strike back at him and Jackie's wife just happens to be involved. Jackie said that's not funny.
Robin read through some news and Howard commented on some of that stuff. They were talking about the supreme court so Howard had Billy do his Judge Thomas impression. Billy did that and had Howard and Robin laughing at that.
Howard said you can barely see the tattoo in the hair. He said it would be funny if you parted the hair and saw jungle animals back there.
Ronnie came in so Howard had him sit down and get on mic. Howard said the tattoo guy almost didn't give him the tattoo. Ronnie said that's right. He said he did it around the moles instead. Jackie asked why he didn't just connect the dots.
Howard told Ronnie to show Robin the shark tattoo. He said the thing is spitting out bones and blood. He said he wanted a baby's head in there. He said the tattoo artist said it was kind of sick so Ronnie said he was just joking. Howard said that's what Ronnie wanted but he was embarrassed by it.
Ronnie was having trouble getting his shirt open. Howard had him turn around to show Robin his underwear sticking out. Robin said his t-shirt was stuck in his underwear. Robin said it looks like he shaves his hair. Robin liked the shark. Howard said he must have shaved the hair off. Ronnie showed Robin the moles too. They were like rocks near the shark. Jackie said it looks like the shark is sleeping on the sea floor.
Howard told Ronnie that he should untuck the t-shirt from his underwear. He said the underwear is there to protect you from accidents. Ronnie said he pulled it up when he pulled out his shirt. He told Howard to calm down with that.
Robin said Ronnie will be stopping short a lot today. Howard said he actually does that. He said he does it a lot too.
Howard said he thinks the tattoo is pretty good. He said that guy was a good man. Howard asked if he had the moles checked out. Ronnie said that they did check them out and they removed some that were bad.
Robin read about a professor who was badly beaten. Fred played some Jackie laughs and that made Gilbert crack up. Howard started laughing at Gilbert because he was cracking up so much.
Robin read about it being open season on black bears and Fred threw in a Jackie laugh. Gilbert ended up doing his Artie impression while they were going over that story. Robin read about a baby Jesus that was stolen and Fred got Gilbert laughing really hard at that story too.
Scott came in and said that he has a girlfriend. Howard said that's a nice cover. Howard asked him about the time he went to Lucky Changs and kissed a man. Scott said that was on the cheek and he didn't like it. Stuttering John came in and said that Scott said if his son was gay he wouldn't let the kid come to his house at Christmas. Scott said he just doesn't want to see that stuff. He said he has nothing against them and he's not mean to them. He said he just doesn't think it's for him. John said he wouldn't even do the shoot at the gay parade. John said that he said he ''didn't want to be around those naked faggots.'' Howard said he thinks about them all day long and he must be gay. Scott said he doesn't think about that all day long.
Howard asked if he's ever looked at a gay porn magazine. Scott said he hasn't. Howard asked where that phone message is that Scott left. Fred was looking for it. Howard said he thinks Scott is gay. If he's not then he's on the waiting list. Howard said he's never seen anyone protest gays so much and have them on his mind so much. Scott said he really doesn't.
Howard asked if he likes yogurt. Scott said he doesn't. Howard said he must be gay then. Scott asked what he would do if his daughters were gay. Howard said he's prefer that. He said he'd rather they're gay than bring guys home.
Howard played the tape of Scott leaving a voice mail for Doug Goodstein where he was doing this gay voice. Howard said Scott tried to destroy that tape but they didn't let him. Scott left a second message where he was singing a song in that same voice. Gary said he denied that was him at one point.
Gary said they have a gay guy in the office who thinks that Scott is gay. Howard had Gary bring that guy in. The guy came in and Howard asked if he heard the voice mail messages. The guy said he didn't so Howard replayed them. The gay guy said Scott is a homo. Howard asked if his Gaydar is blasting.
The gay guy said they think that he might be gay. Howard said whatever he is, he is. Howard told Scott to just mellow out. Howard said there is nothing wrong with gay people.
Robin read some more news about Marge and what she's saying about all of these claims about her.
Robin read about John List being found guilty in his case. Robin said he won't face the death penalty though. Robin said they say he sat there emotionless until they started to poll the panel. He ended up staring at them individually as they spoke. Gilbert said he loves when they get mass murderers and say they're not crazy. They talked about David Berkowitz and how he used to talk to a dog. Howard said he heard he's married to a dude now. Sam said he doesn't have much of a choice now.
Robin read some news about Manuel Noriega having some health problems. Gilbert ended up talking over Robin as she was trying to get through that story. Robin had some audio of President Bush talking about that.
Gilbert ended up doing his Jay Leno impression during a discussion they were having. Robin read about how the East Germans are apologizing to the Jews. Gilbert said they feel better now. Robin was laughing at Gilbert so Sam said it's her turn to laugh at the news now. Robin said it was Gilbert being Gilbert that made her laugh.
Robin read some more news while Sam and Gilbert joked about everything she brought up. Robin said it was Good Friday. Howard said it was also Friday the 13th. Howard said Gilbert told him it's not good Friday because he's still not getting laid.
Howard goofed on Jerry for a few minutes talking about what a nut he is. Billy West did his impression of Jerry a little bit. Howard replayed the clip of Jerry talking about how he was being compared to Jim Carrey. Howard said he's basically saying that he's being raised to the level of an icon because it's like people comparing him to Stan Laurel when he was coming up.
Howard said that Jim Carrey can't keep doing the same thing. He said he'd end up doing Ace Ventura 9. Howard said Jerry sounds like he's having a bowel movement with everything he says. Howard and the guys were doing their impressions of Jerry and practicing that sound. Fred threw in some fart sounds.
Billy did more of his impression of Jerry and had Howard cracking up. Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to stop making fun of Jerry. He said Howard is just jealous of the guy. He said that Jerry has a Broadway play and Howard is jealous of that. Howard said he's right, he's jealous. Howard said he admits it. The caller kept saying he's jealous. Howard said he's exactly right. The caller said he's going to see him on Broadway. Howard told the guy he admitted it but the guy kept telling him to admit it.
Howard said they take the top 5 guys in Iran and go after them. Robin said they do want to go after people like that but they ended up missing Gaddafi when they went after him. Howard said they shouldn't even let it out that we went in and did it. He said it should just be a small leak like an Elvis sighting.
Howard said they have some of these bombs that go off when the pressure gets to a certain point. He said he'd like them to be able to pressurize these guys before they get on the plane and blow them up. He said they could put a timer on it though so that would ruin his idea. He said he's going back to the torturing of their families instead.
Howard said this woman had two of her breasts removed in 1980. Each one weighed 22 pounds. Howard wondered where the extra ones were. Robin said they were under the first ones. Howard said that's super. Howard said the woman can't breast feed so they have to give the child animal milk. Howard said China has published a book with about 40 hairy people in it. Howard said they have hair all over their bodies. He said he thought only Italian men were like that.
Robin said that James Earl Ray did die yesterday. She read some details about that and had some audio of James Earl Ray talking. Howard said he had hepatitis and they say that he may have gotten it from being stabbed while he was in jail. He got a blood transfusion in jail so he may have gotten it that way.
Howard said James Earl Ray was a loser as a criminal. He said that someone paid the guy because he was driving around in a nice car. Howard said that he may have been set up. Robin ended up having Howard play Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech from the night before he died.
Robin said she had some audio of Jesse Jackson commenting on James Earl Ray. She had some audio of a bunch of other people commenting as well. Howard said he thinks that he did it on his own. He said he was going to do his Martin Luther King impression but his megaphone wasn't in the studio. Howard did his impression of Gary and asked who is in charge of it. Gary told him it was right behind him. Howard got on the megaphone and started to do the impression but cut himself off. He said he didn't want to do it now.
Next up they played another clip of Robin's report about Jackie Onasis' death. Robin read the details of that and Howard asked if she was going to be alright. Robin said she died. Howard said he thinks it's funny that all of the reporters were out there and Ted Kennedy came out asking for them to give them privacy. Howard said Dick Cavett go to get in to see her as she was dying and he didn't call them. Howard said that's why people are friends with him. He might be boring but he doesn't squeal.
Howard said Ted Kennedy was happy that no one was asking him about all of the crazy things going on with the Kennedy family. Howard did some of his impression of Ted for a short time. Howard said it's amazing that Mother Rose is still around. Howard asked if it's possible that someone can just live forever. Howard said maybe she'll outlive Teddy. Robin said maybe she's dead and they need to check her to see if she's alive. Howard said maybe she's decaying in that chair. Howard said she reminds him of a bird that was just born looking for food with their neck craned up. Howard said that whole thing is weird.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Jackie O and what she did while she was alive. Howard said he doubts that she ever edited a book. Robin said it was the Michael Jackson book. Howard said he doesn't think he ever wrote a book. Robin said she's not sure if he ever did it. Howard said he's sure he'll tell everything in that book. Howard jokingly said the title is ''Kids Say The Sexiest Things.''
Robin had some clips of Jackie O speaking. Howard played one and asked what kind of accent that is. Fred said it was like an Elizabeth Taylor accent. Howard had to play the clip a few times to analyze it. Howard said that's quite an affect. He said it sounds like Elephant Boy. Howard said no one talks like that. He said disc jockey's talk more normal than that. Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about Jackie O.
Robin had some audio of Mel Torme talking about Ella's death. Howard said he's the Velvet Frog these days. He said he really does look like a frog now.
Howard played some other clips of people commenting on her death. Howard said he hates scat singing anyway. He said anyone can do it. He said they make a big deal about it but anyone can do it. Howard said it's called forgetting the words. Robin had Howard play some of her singing and Howard said he could do it. He said he doesn't think it's that good. He said he thinks he's sad she's gone but he doesn't think it's all that good.
Howard told Fred to give him some music. He wanted to give it a try. Fred played some music and Howard tried getting into it. He was scatting away. Robin said he wasn't doing it right. Howard said it's the same thing. Robin said it's really not.
Robin had some audio of Wilt that she had Howard play. Robin said that his skills were so advanced that they had to change the way the game was played. Howard said he wants to talk about the broads.
Howard took a call from a guy who ended up getting cut off. Howard said he thinks he wanted to tell them that he saw Wilt's big penis.
Robin had some audio of people talking about Wilt's death but that caller was back. The caller said he did see Wilt's penis and it was huge. He said it was basically hanging down his leg. Robin said now she's grieving. Howard said one guy mistook it for a towel rack. Robin had some more audio of people commenting on Wilt's death.
Howard said he heard that Jackie has an offer to put his act on DVD. He said that he had to fly out to California to finalize the deal. Howard said they couldn't do it over the phone. Howard asked why he has to do it on DVD. Jackie said that's going to replace CD-ROM so he figured he'd do it now. He said he's on the forefront of DVDs. Howard said some moron agreed to pay Jackie some money. Jackie said it's an Oglio record thing.
Howard said he's fascinated by Jackie. He said that the best show they could do is to just follow Jackie around all day. Fred started doing his impression of Jackie.
Robin read more about John Denver and asked Howard if he knows how old he was. Howard said he's going to say 53. Robin said he must have read the story. Robin asked if he knows what his real name was. It was Henry John Deutschendorf Jr. Howard had no idea. Robin said he took his name from the city Denver where he lived. Robin read some other details about his career too.
Fred played some of his music and then played the sound of a plane crashing. Robin said that was kind of eerie. Robin said Denver died when his plane crashed in Monterey, California.
Today's ''And That's What's Happening'' was over around 10:25am.
Howard asked for Billy to come in so he can do his Johnny Carson impression. Billy came in and did some of his Johnny Carson impression. Howard had him saying (Jokes) ''jolks'' the way Johnny says it. Howard had him do the sign off too. Howard said Billy was doing it yesterday and it was really funny. He said it seems like he's choking on the air with it. Billy did Johnny's sign off and then had him crying at the end of it.
Billy did more of his Carson impression where Johnny says he read something in the paper. Howard said Johnny always did that. Robin said Johnny would sit there with his pen tapping it while bands would play too. Howard said that poor wife of his is stuck with Johnny now. He said that life must be hell around that Malibu mansion.
Howard said they have a commercial for Father Ritter's Covenant House. He had that commercial which was for ''Come In My House'' ready to play. Robin said that Ritter took the first name of ''Bruce'' even though his real name is John. Howard said Bruce is the first name you think of when you think of a gay man.
Howard played that ''Come In My House'' commercial parody. In the clip he was doing the voice of Ritter and saying he had the controversial tape that caused all of the uproar. They made a fake tape and changed key words in it by inserting safe words.
After playing the clip Howard asked what happened to that record Father Ritter had out. Howard said as long as they're bringing that up they should play that. Howard said he forgot how funny that was. Howard said they had a lot of fun with this guy. Howard played the commercial parody for ''Father Ritter's Songs from the Bath House.'' They had a bunch of song parodies for him like ''Sitting on the Dock With A Boy'' and ''Only Homeless Boys But I Like Them,'' ''By The Time I See Your Penis,'' ''There's a Well Hung Young Boy In Harlem'' and many others.
After that Howard jokingly said they sold about 50,000 copies of that. Howard said no one laughs harder at their own material than they do.
Robin said that the rainbow coalition has a book out about a kid with two mommies and one about a dad who has a male roommate. Howard wondered how far they're going to go with all of that. Robin said they have a Catholic book that says ''Just Say No.'' Robin said they talk about many things like masturbation, safe sex and things like that in this book. Robin said they say there is no such thing as safe sex in the book.
Howard said they're trying to teach kids about sex but for most families this isn't necessary. He said you don't need books about two mommies or daddy being a homo or anything like that.
Robin brought up Cardinal O'Connor too. Howard said he thinks that he's there today. Howard told Gary to bring him in. Billy West came in and did his Father Ritter impression. Howard told him to do his Cardinal O'Connor. Billy went into that impression and said a few creepy things. He said he loves Jackie. He told him to kiss him. Howard asked if Jackie is his type. Billy said he's blonde and beautiful. He asked him to pray with him. Robin asked if she could go on. Howard told her to go right ahead.
Robin read some more news and Billy did more of his Cardinal and Father Ritter impressions. Howard said he doesn't even know who this guy is anymore. He said he's not even Father Ritter.
Robin read about Ted Kennedy and him having an affair with a folk singer. They're now saying it was Joan Baez. Howard said maybe she looked good when she was younger. Howard said it was either that or he was really drunk. Howard did some of his Ted Kennedy impression while they were on that story. Howard was talking about driving off the bridge with her in the car to get rid of her. Howard and Billy had some fun with that. Billy was making sound effects of Joan drowning and singing in the water. Billy did that and took some last gasps. Howard, as Ted, asked how it's possible that a woman could smell more like fish. Joan had a few more breaths left in her. Howard said it's like that movie ''Fatal Attraction'' where she just keeps coming back.
Robin read about how Mary Jo Buttafuoco is having Amy Fisher flashbacks so she's seeking psychological help. Robin said she's flashing back about twice a day according to the article. Robin said these began about a month ago.
Howard asked Father Ritter what he thinks about this. Father Ritter said he wanted to kiss his nephew. Howard asked what he really thought of this Mary Jo story. Father Ritter said he'll be answering the door nude on Halloween. Howard asked him to answer seriously. Father Ritter said he bets the next time she'll duck, won't she.
Robin read about how the French have a problem with Euro Disney. She said they don't like the employees being called cast members. Robin said they want them to be called something French. Howard said they're a bunch of ingrates over there. He said they should shut down Euro Disney and get out of there. Howard said those people hate us. He said he'd like to stick the Eiffel Tower up every French person's ass. Howard said all they did was help the Nazis. He said they won't let us use their air space or anything like that. That led to Billy doing his French impression and mixed that in with Father Ritter. Then Fred did his French impression and said he wanted something other than ''cast member.'' He said he wants something French. He and Billy were both doing their French voices and goofing around with that.
Howard asked if Mr. Magoo was there. He told Gary to go get him. Gary brought in Billy West to do his Magoo impression. Billy came in and did that impression and argued that people liked him.
Howard asked Billy why they don't give him credit for doing Ren and Stimpy. Billy said he's not sure why. Howard said he thought he was talking to Mr. Magoo. Billy went back into the voice for a few seconds. Howard asked if he's going to get paid for the merchandise that comes out for Ren and Stimpy. Billy said that he'll get some for certain things but not all of it.
Howard said he thinks Billy got that job because of his Larry Fine impression. Billy said that's probably true since everything is stolen from him. Howard had him do his Stimpy voice. Billy did it and it sounds a lot like his Larry Fine. Howard asked if he gets paid scale. Billy said it is on basic cable so yes.
Robin read about this guy who was a bus driver and saved a bunch of people. He's now cleaning busses. Robin said the guy says it's like he's been on a roller coaster ride. Robin said he saved 14 people from a burning building. Then he had an accident in the bus and he lost that job. Robin said it was his first accident in 11 months on the job. He hit an 80 year old woman who had been on the bus. She was crossing the street and he hit her. He was on probation so he lost his job. Robin said she's not sure how the woman is doing. Howard asked Magoo if he had ever been hit by a bus. Magoo said he hit the old bag.
Robin read about a gay protest that was going on so Howard asked Magoo if he likes gay people. Magoo said he can't see them. He did that impression for a short time.
Robin read about Geraldo Rivera being in the paper after his fight. Robin said he got into a fight with a guy by the name of John McLaughlin. Howard asked Magoo if he had ever been in a fight with Geraldo. Magoo said that Geraldo lost another fight.
Robin said they say that he fought that whole fight basically in heart failure. Fred threw in some more Jackie laughs. Robin had Howard play more of Evander's audio. Then Fred played a sound of a body dropping. Billy West came in and did his impression of Evander. Howard had a conversation with the mumbling Evander for a couple of minutes. They spent a couple of minutes goofing around with that. Howard asked Evander to talk about how he gave his best and he hopes he entertained people. Billy just mumbled something unintelligible.
Robin had some more audio clips of people talking about Evander retiring. Billy did more of his Holyfield impression and had Howard laughing. Robin had more clips of people talking about the retirement. Howard said Evander used to talk like these guys.
Robin said that Evander was a very nice man. Howard said he's not dead. Billy did more of that impression and asked if Nixon was still around. Howard said it's kind of sad Nixon is gone. Howard said he felt comforted when he was still around. Robin said he was one of the guys who wasn't taking money for his security. She said he wasn't costing us anything. Billy was cracking himself up with some of his lines.
Robin read more about the Dwight Gooden situation and said that they created this image that they're now trashing. Howard said what they're saying is... He doesn't know what they're saying. Howard said he was on drugs too but now he's normal. Robin laughed. Howard said this guy isn't a Rhodes Scholar, give him a break.
Howard and Robin talked about the drug testing process and Howard said he'd never be able to go to the bathroom in front of someone. Howard said they could not test him. He said he'd never go. Howard said maybe Gooden thought the drug test was a written exam.
Robin said Gooden did his thing and it came out positive. Howard asked if they had any Dwight Gooden jokes. Howard was told that he'd be calling in after the break.
After the edited out break Howard picked up the phone and had Dwight Gooden (Fred) on the phone. Howard and the phony Dwight talked for a few minutes. Howard wondered why Dwight would let Fred Norris do a black man's voice. Fred was joking around about the drug thing and said that he's a member of the NAACP... Never Admit A Crack Problem.
Fred was in the back room and Leslie West was in there so he was interrupting him. Fred got off the line a short time later. Howard said Leslie has cleared up all of his drug problems. He just wanted to be clear with that.
Robin read some more news about Dwight and Howard said that he's sure if you drug tested people at advertising agencies you'd find that most of them are on drugs. Howard said most of society is on some type of drug.
Howard took a call from someone doing a Tiger Woods impression on the phone. Howard said that Tiger keeps winning golf tournament after tournament. Howard cut the caller off saying that he's never funny.
Robin read more about the blind kid that had sex with the teacher. Artie said that he got his dream and got to bang a teacher. Howard said he'd like to read about how that all came about. Howard said that poor husband had to come home and discover that happening.
Howard talked with Paul and he kept clearing his throat. Howard asked if he ever imagined he'd be the front runner in this New Hampshire primary. Paul said that they're going to keep going. He kept clearing his throat so Howard asked if he was hocking into a cup. Paul said that he's not. He kept playing it straight through the interview. Howard said he can't believe that they have Paul Tsongas impressions already.
Howard tried to talk to Paul some more but he kept correcting him on his last name. Howard said he had a bloody eye the other night during the debates. Paul said he's doing just fine. Howard said he has to move along now but thanked him for calling in.
Howard wished him good luck in Maine. He asked if he wanted to talk to Jackie. Paul said he didn't know who that was. Then he remembered he knew him as ''use your finger'' and from his album ''Hoof Hearted, Ice Melted.'' Howard let him go a short time later. Howard said he sounds kind of like Bea Arthur with Tourettes.
Howard said they should call Bea Arthur and talk to her. Howard had Gary get her on the line. Billy was back with his Bea Arthur impression. Howard said she sounds a lot like Tsongas. Howard said he used to like her on that show ''Maude'' where she'd yell out her husband's name. Bea did that for him a little bit. Bea asked if there was anything else she could do for him. Howard had her say ''on to Maine'' like Tsongas said. She did that for him before Howard let her go.
Howard said his dad likes to be in the house alone. He said that if he calls his dad when his mom is out he's very anxious to get off the phone. Howard said he pictures him choking the chicken or something while he's home alone. Howard said he might be naked watching porno when he calls. Howard said he can tell he wants to get off the phone. He said he just wants to talk about that movie now.
Howard said he will call and his mom will yell for his dad. Howard said she'll tell him that he can't hear anymore as she's yelling for him. Howard said his dad will get on the phone and talk about what's in the news and talk politics with him.
Robin had some audio of Cher talking about this movie. Howard let that play for a few seconds before cutting it off asking ''who cares?'' Robin said she had some audio of Lily Tomlin talking about the character she plays in the movie. She plays a Lesbian. Howard wondered why she would play that role. He said she's so feminine. Robin had a clip from the movie that they played. Howard and Ralph were both doing their Ben Stern impressions talking about how that was his favorite scene.
Robin had some audio of Ellen Degeneres talking about some stuff and joking around. Howard sarcastically said she's so funny.
Robin said the new Star Wars movie is coming out and she had some audio of that. Howard said the whole movie is as boring as this clip. Ralph said the kid can't act either. Howard said the story is weird. He said Liam Neeson just walks off with the 6 year old kid. Robin said the kid is Jake Lloyd and he was asked about the character being scared going off with his mother. Robin had a clip of the kid talking about that. Robin had a clip of him talking about what's different between him and his character. The kid said he can't pinpoint the differences.
Robin had some audio of Eddie Murphy talking about his new cartoon ''The PJs.'' Howard was doing his Steven Spielberg impression and had him talking to his black kids about Eddie Murphy. Robin asked if they could just play the clip. Howard was having a whole conversation between Steven and his kid.
Howard played the Eddie Murphy clip and goofed on him. He got back into his Spielberg characters again. Howard played more of the Eddie Murphy clip and said it's weird hearing him in his regular voice. He said he seems kind of affected. Ralph said he sounds very feminine. Howard played more of the clip and went in and out of his Spielberg characters.
Robin said Brian Grazer commented on the Eddie Murphy projects too. Howard played that clip and said he likes Brian. Howard did more of that Spielberg impression for a couple of minutes. Robin said that's what's happening but Howard kept going with his Spielberg impressions. He had Spielberg's son saying he wanted to do a drive by just to know what it was like.
Robin had some other news she just ran across. She said that Joe Walsh just got married. Howard said they never hear from Joe anymore.
Robin said the teacher could get up to 100 years in prison but they say she may just get a few years. Howard said he didn't even have hair at 13. He said he looked like a baby down there. He said he still looks like a baby down there but now he has hair down there.
Robin asked Howard if he ever had a growth spurt with his penis. Howard said his never grew. He said he waited every night and it never grew. Howard said he showed it to his buddy Dr. Lou and he told him that he'd grow some day. Howard said he's never shown his penis to anyone else. He said it was just Dr. Lou. Howard said he never even showed it to his father.
Howard said he did this at camp Welmet. He said Lou had matured already and he was wearing jock straps and the girls would giggle at him. Howard said that he didn't even need one. He said that's like a flat chick wearing a bra. He said he didn't need to protect his balls. Howard said he showed Lou and Lou just said ''Oh man...'' He told him that he'd mature and it would happen some day. Howard said that day never came. He said he's been freaking out for years. Howard said Lou was just being a bro when he told him he'd eventually mature.
Gary came in and said that she actually does want to do the show. Gary said Amy Fisher is another story. He said that her husband doesn't want to talk about anything in the past. He said the guy was trying to convince him that there's a whole new audience for her now. Gary said he heard that her new movie might be even creepier than her first. Howard told Fred to play some clips from her first porn with her husband.
Howard and the guys talked about how she had kind of faded away after getting out of jail. Now she's coming out and doing porn. Howard said he's not sure who is buying Amy Fisher porn. Gary said it's apparently a young generation who knows her as a porn star. Fred found the clips from her first porno and played those. Howard said he was going to throw up hearing her husband talking to her the way he was.
Howard said the problem is the husband. He ruins it. Howard said the guy is talking about wanting to examine her pussy and he sounds like Elmer Fudd. Howard said it kind of turns him on when Amy is saying ''fuck me'' and things like that. Then the husband says ''clit'' and it ruins it. Howard did his impression of the husband, Lou, and did it as Elmer Fudd. Howard threw in some Ted Kennedy in there too.
Robin read about the new Amy Fisher porn and how it will be girl on girl. Robin said the husband doesn't want her doing porn with other men. Robin mentioned Lou Bellera's name and Artie said that makes him embarrassed to be Italian.
Fred played more of the porn and there were some odd sounds in the background. Artie said just imagine that this is the second most embarrassing thing that you're kid has done. Howard said they have to get that guy Lou in there. He said forget about Amy, he has to ask Lou what's going on in his head sexually.
Howard had Fred play more of the Amy porn. She said she wanted a taste of her daddy's cum and Robin almost threw up. Howard said Robin almost tasted her daddy's cum. Robin said they never even got close to doing that. Artie was coming up with more lines for Lou to say and wondered what the fuck he's doing. Howard said whenever he tries to talk dirty to Beth she tells him to shut up. Now he sees why.
Howard said he wants more tape of the examination part. He did his Elmer Fudd again and goofed on what Lou was saying in the porno. Fred did his Fudd impression too and he had Artie cracking up.
Howard said he thinks that Willie is in the other room. Howard had Gary bring him in. Billy West came in and did his Willie Shoemaker impression. He wasn't sure what he'd be able to do now that he's paralyzed. Howard talked to Willie for a short time and said maybe he can play third base. Willie said he's a mean man.
Robin said they say that the guy who was with Willie before he got in the accident says that he had a few drinks before he left.
Howard and Willie joked around for a few minutes. Howard said he hopes this is just temporary paralysis. He said maybe he can get one of those monkeys that can help him out. Willie said he had Gary pushing him around in his wheelchair. He said he hopes he doesn't croak. Willie started to cry and sounded like a goat. Willie said he's going to beat this thing and live... just like Michael Landon. Howard said he hates to tell him this but Michael Landon is on his way out.
Robin read about Sonny Bono giving up his restaurant. Robin said he decided that being mayor was a full time job so he can't do both. Howard said they never go to go to Bono's.
Robin said a Long Island man tried to kill his father after an argument over the family cat. Robin said the father said something to the son and the son beat the father with a pipe in the head. Billy did his impression of the cat before they wrapped up.
Howard said he hasn't had sex in weeks. He asked Robin how long it's been for her. Robin said she didn't want to discuss this. Howard said she must love sex. Robin said of course she does. Howard said it must be that no man is good enough for her. Robin said she doesn't know. She asked if they could go on. Howard asked if it's been 8 years since she had sex. Howard said it must be 7 years by now. He said he can't imagine.
Howard asked if Warren was the last guy she had. Robin said she dumped Warren in 1990 and it was 7 years ago. Robin said it was New Year's Day in 1990 when she dumped him. Howard said that's almost 1989. Robin said they did have a nice evening.
Howard asked Robin if she gets horny. Robin said ''Ugh, please...'' Howard said he'll do her in the back room if he wants. He said he'll help her and use a rubber. Howard asked if anyone had a rubber. Jackie said she can have them all. Howard said she can service all three at the same time. Robin said thanks and that's just what she wants to do.
Fred played a clip of Robin talking to her horse while riding it. Howard said that Robin talks nicer to her horse than any man she's been with. Howard said he's never heard her speak to any man that nicely. Fred played more of the audio of Robin talking to Blaze and she was being very nice trying to calm him down. Howard said he's never heard her speak like that. He said Robin should talk to him like that.
Robin had some other news about the Super Bowl. She had some audio of Marv Albert calling the 85 yard touchdown. Howard asked Gary the Retard if he saw the Janet Jackson boob. Gary didn't even know the Super Bowl was on.
Howard asked if Gary is into black chicks. Gary said no at first but then he said he likes them. Robin said he did a politician move and flip flopped on that. Robin had some more audio of Marv calling the game. Howard said it's weird that Marv is back in favor. He said there was a time when he would have only been able to call the Bikini Bowl.
Robin had some more audio of some players talking about the game. Howard said it was really anybody's game. Robin had Howard play a few more clips of various people commenting on the game.
Robin read about a guy who was outside in -30 degree weather and he got his penis stuck on a metal bar when he accidentally touched it. Robin said a passerby used a kettle of warm water to free the man's penis. Howard asked Gary if he knows what they're talking about. Gary didn't really have a clue.
Robin had some audio of a guy from a cigarette company talking about the research they were doing to make cigarettes more addictive. Robin had a bunch of clips but they were all out of order. Howard said they can just play them all out of order. The guy said they have a huge cover up and Howard wondered what the cover up was. Howard said everyone knows cigarettes are bad for you. Howard said everyone knows it's hard to quit too.
Robin read about a murderer who died in prison. Robin had some audio of his family talking about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he owns stock in Phillip Morris. Howard said he does. The caller said that they have lied to Congress. Howard said everyone knows better and everyone knows that it's addictive. Howard said he has no problem with the tobacco industry. He said that it's a great industry. Howard said he's up front about it. The caller said that he doesn't understand why he would invest in a company that sells something that kills people. Howard said he would take stock in a marijuana or alcohol company too. He said that he can't regulate people. The caller said that they're selling cigarettes that are more addictive than they should be and they lie to Congress about it. Howard said he knows that things are bad for you and he doesn't need people to tell him what's bad for him. Howard and the caller went back and forth with that argument for a couple of minutes.
Howard said he's 42 years old and he's known that those things are bad for you for a long time. He asked who doesn't know that cigarettes are bad for them. The caller said that it's Phillip Morris saying that they're not bad for you. Howard said he has no problem with tobacco companies making money off of tobacco. He said it's a great industry. Howard said they do warn you on the package that it's not safe. Howard eventually hung up on the guy since their argument wasn't getting them anywhere.
Howard said that a lot of people lie and it's not that big of a deal. He said we're pruning out the weak. Howard said he knows a lot of nice people who like to smoke. He said you can't just take it away from them. Scott the Engineer's father died of cancer after smoking for years. Scott knows he should quit but he hasn't yet. Howard asked Scott if he knows he's going to die of cancer. Scott came in and said he knows he should quit. Gary said they tested him and he had the lungs of a 108 year old man. Scott said he knows it's not good and he has to quit.
Howard said he doesn't feel comfortable telling him to quit. He asked if he thinks that he could quit himself. Scott said he would like to stop but it's an addiction and it's not easy. He said there are a lot of things that aren't good for people. Maybe they should take away all of that stuff. Howard said Scott is incredibly profound.
Fred did his impression of Scott talking about that and asking for his smokes. Howard said that was proof positive right there. He said he bets Scott doesn't own any stock in Phillip Morris. Fred did his Scott impression and had him saying he likes being fat because the less time on the planet the better.
Howard said Scott smokes while he eats. He said he eats the most fattening food while he's smoking. Jackie said it's like he's washing the food down with smoke. Robin said you don't smoke and eat at the same time. Howard said he used to have to go outside to smoke and that was ridiculous.
Robin had some audio of some other people talking about the bodies they found. One guy said that they found that some of the faces were completely destroyed. Howard said they're saying they just found a couple of teeth for some of the bodies. Stuttering John said they'd definitely be able to identify Gary by his teeth. Jackie said people could have hid under his teeth and been well.
Gary asked if his teeth are really that big. Howard said he's got that hang dog look with the big, rubbery lips and thick tongue. Gary said he does have an overbite and big lips. He said his trumpet teacher told him his lips were too big to play the trumpet.
Howard said Gary's face looks like the old racist cartoons. He said his mouth is very distinctive. He said he can't even close his mouth with all of those teeth. Gary said he has 32 teeth just like anyone else. Howard said the best thing is when Gary tries to close his mouth to eat. He said he has to stretch his lips over those teeth and they're stretched to the max. Then his ears start to move. Howard had Jackie cracking up talking about that. Howard said he has the fakest looking choppers he's ever seen too. Gary said he knows of someone who has worse. He mentioned Cher. Howard gave him a tie on that. He said that her teeth are very fake looking too.
Howard asked Gary if he ever had braces. Gary said he didn't. He said his dentist went to jail. Howard said if his son had a mouth like that he'd find another dentist. Gary said he was afraid of the dentist. John said the dentist was afraid of Gary too.
Howard asked why the dentist went to jail. Gary said he thinks it was for tax evasion. Jackie said Gary put the guy in a different tax bracket. Howard said he's seen Gary before the caps. He said he had really bad teeth. He said his mouth came out contorted and green. Gary said it didn't affect the shape. He said it was the color. Howard said those things were green. Gary said they were stained with brown spots. He said they were more yellow looking. Robin said she wants to see those pictures. Howard said she really doesn't. He said he needs her alive.
Howard said that Gary's teeth would live through a nuclear blast. He said if the earth is gone the only thing an alien civilization will find is cockroaches and Gary's teeth. Then they'll create a whole religion based on his teeth. Jackie said they'll think that we were 45 feet tall. Howard said they'll think we didn't progress more than when we just came out of the sea.
Howard said he imagines a 9 foot tall Gary with a long, sloping neck. He said there will be aliens here and they'll have a museum tour where they show how man was 45 feet tall with bad hygiene. Howard got on his megaphone and did an alien voice talking about what man was like. He said that they were very backward and never invented a toothbrush. Howard said the porcelain products were known as teeth and the only way to clean them was to cover them with big, rubbery lips. He said man could only close his mouth with help. Stuttering John was cracking up.
Howard said that man needed the buddy system to close the mouth. He said Man could never achieve proper speech. Gary said they had to get out of there and they had guests to get to. Howard kept going with his alien voice. Howard said that was wild, funny stuff.
Robin said this guy was picked up by cops who thought he was too young to be the man they were looking for. He told the officials about how he keeps looking so young and that's when this movement started. Robin said he drinks 10 cups a day. He says morning urine is the best. Howard said no one does this. He said only human beings are crazy enough to do such a thing.
Howard said he started brushing his teeth with vomit but he found it was no different than brushing with toothpaste. Robin read about the notes they had in the paper about what urine can do for you. Howard said this misleads people. He said you can't drink your own urine. Robin said the urine can harm you too. She said they claim that it can cure things too though.
Howard said people are endlessly searching for the fountain of youth. He said they want a change. He said they talk about going to Florida when they retire and they end up coming back because they get bored down there. Howard said it's the same thing as drinking urine. Howard said there are people who pray to rocks. He said that's just stupid.
Howard said people have pushed themselves to extremes. He said that there are people who drink their own urine from coffee cups and they write a book and become a millionaire. Howard said there was someone on 60 Minutes or one of those shows and they showed them rubbing rocks and saying they were feeling things. Howard said you're afraid to say you don't feel anything. He said it's just a bunch of dirt.
Howard said he's attaching a hose to his genitals to his mouth so he doesn't have to use a cup. Robin said they say that urine is good and you should drink all of it. Howard said if it was healthy then you'd see animals doing it all the time. He said they're not as stupid as people are though. Howard said he's going to take the cheese out of his underwear and make a Slurpee out of it.
Howard said they should Wedgie Scott. He asked where he was. Howard said the Wedgie is the funniest thing in history. He said yesterday he gave Fred a hot food.
Gary came in and said when he was like 12 or 13 years old there was a guy in camp who was twice the size of everyone else. He decided to Wedgie everyone and he did it a couple of times. Gary said it happened 2 or 3 times that weekend and it left a rash. He said it's really painful too. Gary said there are guys who are into really weird stuff and that's what some guys do.
Steve Grillo came in and said that he got carried around like a 6 pack once until his underpants ripped. He said he was young like maybe 11 and the older kids did that to him. Howard said that would make him berserk. Grillo said he had scabs from it because the guy did it so hard.
Howard asked Gary why he kept putting on underwear that weekend. Gary said he figured the guy was done with him. He said he was a big white guy and he kept doing it that whole weekend. He said the guy was too big to be in the Boy Scouts. He was 15 and hanging out with the 11 year olds. Howard said he probably got Wedgies himself and that's how he got revenge.
After an edited out break they played more of Robin reading about the bullets that hit Reagan and how they have to find out if they're the bullets known as devastator bullets. Robin said they removed some bullets from a police officer. Robin said that John Hinkley Jr. is in a correctional institute. They're trying to find out what his state of mind was at the time of the shooting.
Robin read a story about how there is no cure for baldness. Howard said he's only 27 and he hasn't lost his yet. Robin said it could be starting now. Howard said if he loses his hair then he's in so much trouble. Robin said it looks like his hair is receding. Howard let out a scream like a little girl.
Billy West came in and started doing his Desmond Tutu impression. Howard had a conversation with Billy as Desmond. Billy had Howard cracking up. Howard said they haven't written anything for him yet so it may take a few minutes. Billy kept rolling his R's saying he was going to do that until he hit the post.
Robin read some more news and Jimmy Fink came in so Howard had him hang out too. Robin read a story about the top holiday movies to rent. Howard made some jokes about some of those. He said he rented ''The 10 Positions.''
Howard asked Desmond Tutu about being religious and what he tells blacks in South Africa to watch. Desmond said he tells them to watch ''Guess Who's Coming To Riot.'' Howard asked him again and told him to say he watches Spotlight Cafe. That was a show that Jackie was doing on WWOR.
Robin read some more news stories and Howard asked Desmond some questions while that was going on. Billy did his impression. Howard had to ask Desmond to calm down.
Robin said John talked to Geraldo Rivera about the L.A. riots and if he was going to exploit them. He said he wouldn't do that but he is having the guy who filmed the beatings on his show next week.
Robin read some news about Eric Clapton's son dying and who they're trying to blame for not having window guards.
Robin read about Nicholas Cage moving in with some girl and having a baby with her. Robin said they had the baby and now they're broken up and the woman is suing him. Robin said you can't get rid of a kid once the relationship is over.
Howard said Mr. Tutu doesn't know about marriage. Billy did more of his impression and Howard asked what his brother's name was. He said it was ThreeThree. Howard asked him about Nicholas Cage and Desmond told him not to call him that. He said they always blame the Nicholas for everything wrong in the world.
Robin read about a guy who killed a 5 year old boy just for the thrill of it. The case got thrown out because the cops didn't read him his Miranda rights. Howard said that's so wrong. He said they actually do that. Robin said this guy killed a kid just for the thrill of it. Robin said he ended up getting caught in a robbery so he was eventually put back in jail.
Robin read a story about a guy who shot a drug dealer during a bad drug deal. Robin said that guy is on the loose after getting out of jail.
Howard and Robin read through some more news and talked to Desmond Tutu some more before wrapping up and letting Jimmy Fink do his thing. He said they were going to take Billy to the office and beat his feet. Howard played them out with some Lynyrd Skynyrd. Billy did his impression of the singer as the song was playing. Howard said he likes it better this way. Howard said they're going to beat Billy's feet back in the office. Billy was making all kinds of noises and doing that impression of the singer. Howard was cracking up at some of it. He even threw in a Baba Booey. Howard told Billy he carried it on a little too long though. He said that it wasn't funny anymore. Then Howard played another song for Billy to sing along with. Billy kept going but Howard cut him off and ended it.
Robin said the names after Rick Dees were Dan Ingram, Howard Stern and Larry Lujack. Howard said Larry isn't even on the air anymore. Howard said that's like picking someone to be a squeegee guy. That led to them talking about goofy radio guy names. Howard said that's like that guy Human Numan. They talked about a guy known as Domino and made up ''Mah Jong.'' Gary said they have Elvis Duran now too. Howard said they have the Rock and Roll Madam there. Howard said they also have the Greaseman. That got Billy doing his Greaseman impression a little bit.
Howard asked Billy, as Greaseman, for some more radio names. Billy did the impression and Howard said he was going to kill him if he pushes him over the edge again. Billy kept doing the impression and Howard told him he should speak in his normal voice if he wants anyone to listen to him. Howard said he sounds like Grandpappy Amos. Howard asked if he was Mr. Magoo.
Robin read about the Olympics coverage and asked Howard if he'll be watching. Howard said he'll be watching the Lesbian Olympics this afternoon. Billy, as Greaseman, said that they have the ''100 Yard Lick.''
Robin read about some of the stuff they had in the winter Olympics and mentioned the name Tommy Mo. That led to Billy doing his Larry Fine impression.
Howard asked Robin if she had lipstick on her glass. Robin said that she's waiting for that to go away and she didn't put it there. She said she's not sure they clean that place at all. It's been there since the Super Bowl party.
Robin read more about Tommy Mo and Billy did more of his Larry Fine impression. Howard said that the Three Stooges were all Jewish. Howard said he thinks that Mo was a Jew. Larry said that he was and Curly was his brother and a Jew too. Howard said he didn't think of them as being Jewish.
Robin read about Tanya Harding and Howard said he thinks that Nancy Kerrigan is really hot. He said they have a picture of Nancy Kerrigan in a skirt skating and it makes him nuts.
Howard said there's no way that Tanya Harding should be skating. Howard said she knew about the plot to take Nancy out. Howard said that she lied to authorities for 10 hours before the truth came out. Howard said she's a filthy, stinking liar. He said she's a scuzzy, flea bitten, rat faced pig. Robin said she went to church to pray for Jesus to forgive her for her sin filled life. Howard said that they'll just over look the fact that she had someone hit this girl in the knee with a pipe. Howard said she's a filthy stinking liar who keeps the truth from authorities.
Robin read a story about sexaholics and that led to Billy doing his Jackie impression. Howard had to take a break. After the edited out break Howard came back and did his Jackie impression talking about how his fingers smell good on Valentine's day. Billy did his Jackie impression too. Howard said doing impressions of Jackie in front of him is the most fun you can have in life.
Stuttering John came in and said that he went on an audition with Jackie once. Howard asked what it was for. John said it was for Ramada hotels. He said Jackie was reading him the lines and he was laughing hearing the way he reads them. Jackie said an agency sent him on that. He said he gets sent out on a few things. Jackie said they did ask him where the guy was that was actually there to audition. Jackie said they do say that his voice is very distinct.
Billy, Robin, Fred and Howard were doing their impressions of Jackie and John said that's exactly what he sounded like on the audition.
Howard said he had something to tell Robin. John had the story. He said there was a marine who was shot in the head and he was close to dying. He came out of his coma and said that Howard Stern is his idol. Howard said that's the right thing to do. He said if you're in something that will make news you mention his name. John was telling Robin what they were told about the article and Billy was doing his John impression. John said he's worse than Fred and he's going to punch him if he doesn't stop. Billy was doing this lip thing and making a turkey gobble sound for his impression of John. Fred got in on the impression of John too. John said it's funny but it's not. He said it's funnier when it's Jackie.
Jackie asked what John just told them. Howard said he has no idea. Fred and Billy did their impressions of John telling the story. Howard said the best he could tell is there was a marine somewhere. Howard was cracking up at the impressions of John.
Howard said there was a cauldron of information coming out of that dude. John came back in and said that they have a guy on the phone who has more information about the article. The caller said it was in the Cleveland Plain Dealer and it was about this Marine who was in a coma that came out of. The caller said the guy was shot by another soldier. Howard said a lot of those guys don't know what they're doing. There was someone in the background that sounded like Jackie so they figured he was there telling the guy the story to tell.
The caller told Howard more about what happened to this Marine. He was in a coma for 28 days. Howard told the guy to just read the article. He also told him to tell his wife to shut up. The caller read the article and they say that the guy calls Howard Stern his idol. Howard thought that was pretty cool. The caller kept going on and on about the guy's situation and how his legs are hooked up to electrodes and he's regaining some use of his legs and hips.
The caller said that he was saying that he admires Howard because he's straightforward and tells it like it is. Howard wondered if the bullet made him a fan or was he a fan before. The caller said this guy is a model in the area and he's going to be on NBC later in the week. Howard said maybe they should send Darrah the lesbian over there to give him a dance. Howard said they'll try to call the Marine tomorrow.
Howard said they do like any publicity they can get. He said he's glad the guy who shot up the subway wasn't really yelling out Baba Booey though.
Robin read more about Tanya Harding and how people are selling anything they have about her. Robin said some ex-boyfriend has been selling pictures of her. He claims that she does sexy dances for her man. He claims she will also steal men from other women. Billy started making pig snorting sounds and introduced himself as Tanya. He squealed like a pig and snorted a bit. He had Howard laughing. Robin said one guy says that she stripped in front of her and he got embarrassed and covered her up. Howard said he think she's looking okay the past few days. He said they pulled her together somehow. Robin said they pull Roseanne together once in a while too.
Howard asked Tanya if she was attracted to him. Billy snorted. Howard had a conversation with the snorting pig. Robin read more details about how wild she is. Robin said she was in church on Sunday praying that God would forgive her for all of her sins. Billy did a little prayer and snorted like a pig while he did it.
Robin read through a few more stories and had one about Jerry Garcia getting married. Howard wondered who is into the Grateful Dead music. He sang one of their songs and made fun of the people who follow them.
Robin read about Hal Smith dying. Robin said he played Otis Campbell on Andy Griffith. That led to Fred and Billy doing their Jackie impressions. They also talked about how the guy who played Ernest T hates Howard. Gary said he's had a few conversations with the guy about Howard. He said it's kind of along the lines of ''If he were just funny...'' Gary said he asked the guy to listen to the show for a few weeks and then call him. Gary said the guy likes him because he's Italian and they have some stuff in common. Gary said the guy got mad at him when he asked what they wanted to talk to him about and he said they wanted to talk about playing Ernest T. Gary said he wants to talk about other things he's done in his life.
Robin read about William Conrad passing away. Robin said he died of a heart attack that weekend. Fred and Billy were still doing their impressions of Jackie. Howard said some stuff might open up for Jackie now that William Conrad is gone. Conrad used to do a lot of voice overs.
Robin read about the 3 remaining Beatles getting back together to do a concert in Central park. Howard said he's not excited about that. Robin said there are rumors saying they'll do this reunion and get paid like $20 million to do it. Howard asked how much she wants to bet that it's their publicist planting the story. Howard said no one is going to pay them that kind of money. They talked about how the Beatles music has been whored out to car commercials and things like that. Robin said that's Michael Jackson doing that. He owns the rights to their music.
Robin read through some more stories while the guys kept doing their Jackie impressions. Howard was also doing an impression for Ringo's publicist ''Gringo.'' He was pitching some ideas for how the guys could get paid for doing a reunion concert.
Robin read about Jeffrey Dahmer's father saying he dreamt of murder as a child. Howard sounded fascinated by that. Robin read that he fears that what his son did may have started with him. Robin said he wrote about this in a book. Robin said he was obsessed with fire and bombs and he had thoughts of murdering someone. Robin said he also writes about Jeffrey in the book. Howard pretended to be Gringo again and said Ringo is thinking about murder too so can he get $20 million for writing a book?
Robin read about a white supremacist who wants to be called Idolf Hitler in court. Howard wondered if he knew the name was Adolf. Howard and the guys were goofing on him about not knowing it was ''Heil Hitler'' when they saluted him and thought it was ''Hi Hitler.''
Howard did his impression of Scott the Engineer talking about the smoking thing. Howard said there was no such thing as Smokey the Bear. Robin said there was too. She said that this guy died of a brief illness. Howard was wondering if he died from smoking. He was in his Scott the Engineer voice as he was asking about that.
Robin read about how the Brady Bunch movie was number 1 at the box office. Howard said he knows the writers of that movie. He said they've written on one of his many scripts. Robin read more about the box office stuff and Howard stayed in his Scott character. He was making the ''Chh'' sound a lot. Fred got in on that too and did some ''Chh'' of his own.
Robin read about how Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman adopted a baby boy. Robin said the kid's name is Connor Anthony Kidman Cruise. Howard was still doing his Scott voice and talked about that with Robin. Howard said Scott's kids are all named after cigarettes. Howard, as Scott, also said that Yule Brenner was the greatest actor of all time because he smoked and he was bald. Howard asked what's up with that Tom hanks thing and Hasty Pudding. Robin said it's an award that Harvard gives to celebrities. Howard said he's not sure why it's an honor. He said that Tom Hanks will show up for that but not for this show. Howard said he doesn't get that. Robin said that's the crowd you want to be accepted by. Howard said he doesn't want to be running around on the stage like a girl. Jackie yelled out ''Channel 9!'' Howard didn't get it. Jackie said they dressed up like girls on that show. Howard told Jackie to write down something when he thinks of it.
Robin wrapped up and Howard gave out the plugs. He gave one for Scott's ''Rocket Entertainment'' and said that nothing about Scott says ''Rocket'' at all. He and Fred did their Scott impressions a little longer.
Today's ''And That's What's Happening'' was over around 11:00am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:55am.