|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Lisa talked about how long she's been a fan of the show and how she used to love when Howard would go off on his competition. She said that one of her favorites was when he'd go off on John DeBella. She talked about the beatings he took in the ratings in Philadelphia and how John had to come on the show to beg for a job after he lost it. That led to them playing a clip from November 11, 1994:
In the clip Robin and Howard were talking about how they don't meet other radio guys very often. They were waiting for John DeBella to come in. John came in a short time later and said he was a little nervous to be there. Howard talked to John about being the king of Philly radio for a long time and then they came into town and took that away from him.
John told Howard that he wanted them to bring on all comers at the time. Howard asked if there was panic at the station when they came to town. John said there was. He said that they decided to take the high road and not even mention Howard's show on the air.
Howard said he won on the air and it's not an easy thing to do. John asked Howard if his longest stand off was against him. Howard said that Mark and Brian went down in less than a year. Gary said there was one market that went down in 7 weeks. Howard said John was the toughest one of them all. He said that John was at like a 12 or 13 ratings. John said their highest was a 13.4 and they were around an 11.5 or 12 when Howard came to town.
Howard asked John if he was secure at the time when he was still beating them. John said it was a very silly system and he was never secure. Howard talked about the way Captain Janks called him and gave him a hard time for the longest time. John said that Captain Janks was one of the odder things that went on during that time. Howard said they were going to bring Janks in to meet him this morning.
John talked about the way Janks would get on the air by lying and claiming that he needed help for his sister who had cancer.
Howard had the guys bring in Captain Janks to meet John. Janks came in and said that he wanted John to shave off his moustache today. John just laughed. Janks went on to tell John why he would call him the way he did and why he gave him such a hard time. Janks said this was tough for him to meet John for the first time in the studio. Howard asked if he thinks he should be able to go back to work. Janks said that he thinks that would be okay.
Howard asked John if they could play some of the prank calls. John said he'd prefer that he not play them. He said it's just that there is a basis for this man's hatred for him. He said he knows that Janks is upset with him over a meeting they had one time off the air at an appearance. He said the story has been told to him by Janks so that's why he remembers it. Janks asked him to play some more music from the band Sweet and John told him that he would play something by them if they had anything new.
Janks said that if he had said it that way he would have been fine. He said it was the way that he said it that didn't come off very well. He said that John said it in a sarcastic way and said something about his height in the conversation. Janks said that he said to him that he was as wide as his friend was tall. Janks said that was embarrassing to him.
Howard was going to play the clips of Janks' calls and John was willing to give it a shot. Howard said he would cut them off if he was uncomfortable with them.
Howard played some of Janks' calls where he would get John on the phone and he would answer with ''Yeah zoo'' and Janks would ask what a ''yeah zoo'' is. He would do that over and over again. John said it was a pain in the ass because fans weren't able to get through on the phone line. Janks said that if he had the sense of humor he did on the phones on the air then maybe he'd still be number one.
In one call Janks was goofing on John's baldness and John went off on him saying that it didn't matter and he wasn't upsetting him. John said he could do it every day if he wanted to. John was saying Janks wanted to be Howard when he grew up and that wasn't going to happen.
Howard said that Janks was relentless with his calls. Gary told Howard to play one of the other calls and just the first 15 seconds of it. Howard played that one and John was asking him what he does for a living. Janks was taunting him saying ''You have no talent na-na, na-na, na.''
Gary asked Janks how many of these 90 minute tapes he has out. Janks said that he has 5 and only one of them has John on them. Janks said that he called many other competitors. Janks also said that he has to say he had to commend him for actually coming in today.
Howard let Janks go and asked John where it was he wanted to work. John said he was hoping to work afternoons at WYSP. That's the station that Howard was on down in Philly.
Robin asked John if he would admit that at one time he was just that good that he didn't think that they could beat him. John said he didn't want to say that Howard was going to beat the hell at him. Robin said he was bragging about how he wasn't going to lose to Howard. John said that everything Howard was doing was new to everyone so it wasn't like he knew that Howard was going to go into markets and beat people. He had to psych himself up to get through another day. Robin said he didn't have to do it on camera though. Howard said he was just defending himself.
Robin asked John what he thinks of Howard now. John said it's just an act just like he did in those old tapes.
John said that his audience abandoned him and that was probably the most painful part of the whole thing. He said he thought they knew him and they left him for Howard. John said that was another tough thing for him. He said he thinks that Howard had a longer time growing into what he grew into and he had a plan and vision. John said he didn't have all of that.
Howard asked who is the better one on radio and who has more talent. John asked ''at what?'' Howard said morning radio. John said he thinks that there's a company that's responsible for that and they showed that he won. Howard asked if he's better then. John wouldn't say it. He would just say that Howard beat him. John said he thinks that he was at his best then and Howard was at his best when he was beating him. He wouldn't admit that Howard was still the best. John said he can't say he likes Howard more than he likes himself.
Gary said they threw a lot of artillery at John and he took it for a long time. Howard said he's perfectly willing to work with John at WYSP. He asked Robin if she was okay with that. Robin said it's okay that he makes a living now. Gary said he was fine with it too. Janks said he'd like to hear him repeat ''Howard forever, baldie never.'' Howard said he didn't think he had to do that. Gary asked if he could crawl into a hole when he heard that.
Howard and John agreed to not go off on each other on the air and figured they'd be fine working together. Jackie and Fred seemed to be okay with him doing a show on WYSP too. Howard asked Robin if she was okay because she was acting kind of odd. Robin said that Howard is a brilliant performer and she doesn't think that John is willing to recognize that. She said that he could admit that Howard is good on radio instead of making up excuses for it.
John told Howard that he had a friend walk in on him while he was watching Howard on E!. He said the friend asked what he was doing. John said he told the friend that he admires what he has done and he had a lot of talent. He said he admires the man and told his friend that. Howard and Robin seemed to be better after hearing that story.
Gary told Howard they had to go out and do the press conference so Howard wrapped up with John and said he has no problem with John working at WYSP in the afternoons. They went to break a short time later.
After an edited out commercial break they came back and had the press there to ask some questions about the whole John DeBella thing.
Howard made a speech about what was going on with John DeBella and Howard congratulated John for his new job at WYSP. John then made a quick speech and Howard said they were going to take questions from the press.
Penny Crone was one of the reporters there. Howard was asking her what she would like John to do. Penny said the whole thing was bizarre to her and she didn't understand why he would do this just to work at the same station Howard is on.
Howard took some more questions and one guy asked if John would be filling in for Howard when he takes vacation. Howard said he will not. He said they play ''Best Of'' when he's off and sometimes those shows get better ratings than the regular show.
Penny Crone asked some more questions about other things and Howard had to defend himself for endorsing Patacki for governor. Penny was getting into it with Howard and John came into the conversation and pointed his finger at Penny which eventually made her cry. She said she hates being pointed at. She actually broke down crying because John DeBella pointed at her. John said if he only knew the power of pointing his finger...
Howard asked Penny what happened to her that would make her cry from being pointed at. John said that wasn't his intent to make her cry. Penny said that she would punch John out if she went up there where they were. John asked if he could apologize to her for what he did. Penny said she wasn't crying but her voice was shaking like she was.
Howard took a bunch of questions from the press and many of them were from Penny. She was asking questions about his movie and other things instead of this John DeBella thing. After a bunch of questions Howard wrapped up the press conference and said he thinks that it's a great photo opportunity for them. He congratulated John on his new job and wrapped up.
In the clip we heard Howard and Sam talking and Sam getting upset that he lost to PDQ Bach. Joe Walsh walked in a few seconds later. Howard talked about Joe kicking him out of his dressing room over at the show he went to see. He said he was kind of full of himself over there and he said that Joe taught him how to play ''Rocky Mountain Way'' back there.
Howard said that Joe was totally annoyed with him back stage and told Rick the bass player to teach him. Rick told him he'd just feel it out there on stage. Howard said he told the guys to lower his amp so no one would hear him play. He said Rick and Joe turned the amp all the way up so everyone could hear him playing. Howard said he yelled at Rick to turn it down in the middle of playing so he did but then Joe turned it back up.
Howard told Sam that they went out and found this PDQ Bach album and they had to find it in the Classical Music section under comedy. Sam said he doesn't understand why he was up against Irma Bombeck and a classical music guy. He said he can accept being up against comedians and losing to them.
Howard played a clip from this PDQ Bach guy and Sam was goofing on his delivery and talking about how lame it was. The jokes were going over their heads.
Howard played more of the clip and no one was laughing. Sam wasn't digging it at all. Howard said he got one of the jokes. He said it makes you feel like a genius when you get just one joke. He played more of the clip and picked up on a speech impediment the guy had. They goofed on him about that and Howard said they should shove the Grammy in the guy's mouth. The guy was talking about PDQ Bach in the third person so Howard was wondering what was going on with that. They were wondering if the guy was doing an introduction for the actual guy or something.
Howard skipped to another track to hear if it was a different guy. It turned out to be the same guy. Sam said that the audience there are all elitists and you can tell by listening to it. He couldn't believe that this is what beat him for the comedy album Grammy.
Sam wondered if the guy talks about music or does he actually play music. Howard said he wasn't sure. He said it was tough to skip around on a CD.
Howard played more of the PDQ Bach stuff but said he had enough after a few more seconds. Sam said he has to find out if he really does just talk on that album. He said he can't believe he was beat out by this guy.
Howard asked Sam and Joe if they wanted to do a song together. Sam was up for it. Joe kind of got the album that they were playing so he was joking about some of the stuff the guy was talking about that no one else got.
Gary told the guys that the album they were listening to wasn't the one that won the Grammy. Gary said that the guy has been doing that stuff since 1966 so he's been doing it a really long time. Gary said it's not easy to find the albums though.
Howard asked Joe and Sam to jam together. Sam told Howard he got some good news about his album. He said they sold 132,000 albums in a week. He said that's really good for a comedy album. Sam said they had a special version for Howard.
Howard got Joe and Sam hooked up with guitars. He asked Joe to do a little bit of ''The Confessor.'' Joe had to tune his guitar first though. They were having some technical problems with the other equipment too. Joe did a little bit of ''The Confessor'' for them. Howard got his Casio keyboard going so he could play drums. Sam did some guitar playing and jammed with Joe a little bit. They did a little more of ''The Confessor'' with Sam and Howard ruining the song.
Joe started in on some ''Rocky Mountain Way'' so Howard and Sam joined in on that. Howard was tapping away on his Casio playing drums. Joe didn't have a slide with him so he couldn't play the song properly. He gave up after 30 seconds or so.
Robin asked Joe to play ''Life's Been Good'' instead. Joe said he would do it but he had a trombone in the other room for Howard to play. Howard said he wasn't going to do that. Howard and Sam played along with Joe and ruined another song. Joe was having some problems remembering the song. He was also telling Howard how to play drums along with the song. They didn't last long with that one either.
Howard wanted to close the show with ''Desperado'' but it didn't have drums in it. Robin said that was a good thing.
Sam played some Alice Cooper and some Joe Walsh stuff while they waited for a piano keyboard to be brought in for ''Desperado.''
Howard had Joe play Desperado for them. Howard said he would play drums even though they didn't need it in that song. Howard gave it some high hat. They had the piano going and a guitar going. Joe sang the whole song while Howard and Sam played over him. Sam said that was great to be able to play with Joe. He said he had a woody and he wanted a drink after that.
After that we heard Lisa Lampanelli talking about how Joe played that song again a few months later and that ended up breaking up the Eagles.
Fred To Be A Father! 5/24/02. 6:05am
Howard said he must be in a good mood this morning because he actually said ''hi'' to Benjy. He usually doesn't do that. He told Robin that if she hears him say ''Good morning Benjy'' there must be something wrong with him.
Fred was also in a good mood. He had an announcement to make... His wife Alison is pregnant! Fred is going to be a father! Robin couldn't believe it and said he'll be a good father in a ''Munsters'' kind of way. Howard said he thinks Fred will be a good father. Robin said she's worried the child will turn out like Fred. Howard wanted to know if Fred will introduce himself to his child as Fred or Eric since he changed his name about 8 years ago. Howard told that story again to let people know just how wacky Fred is. Howard congratulated Fred about the news and Robin threw in her congratulations too but it was a few minutes late.
Fred says that he will never molest his child but Howard predicts that he'll kill anyone who looks at the kid the wrong way. Stuttering John came in and goofed on Fred a little bit himself. Like he's any more normal than Fred.
Fred said they're thinking of using James as a name for the baby if it's a boy. They don't really have a name for a girl yet. Howard looked at Fred and said that he thinks he's going to have a baby girl... and it will look like Fred. Robin suggested that if it is a girl, they name it Erica. Robin continued to goof on Fred so he started firing back making fun of her and how wacky she is. He didn't want to hear much of anything she was saying. Robin asked if Fred can relate to the world or people. Fred said he can relate to people better than she can. Robin said she's not having a child though. Howard said Robin wouldn't be a good mother but she knows enough not to go there. They think that Fred may have problems when the child has major issues and can't relate to them.
Howard took a phone call from a listener who complained about Robin giving Fred crap whenever he has a happy moment in his life. Gary came in and said that there is a bit of joy in Robin's voice when she makes fun of Fred. She just giggled and laughed at everything they were saying.
Robin said that Gary is a great father and she's never made fun of him about that. Howard said Gary puts him to shame the way he fathers his kids. Howard said he's had to go to psychotherapy to learn how to be a better father and most people can't afford to do that. Robin said she thinks that Alison will make a good mother even if Fred isn't a good father.
Jessica Hahn called in and said she thinks he'll make a great father. She also broke the news that she used to have a crush on Fred years ago. She never told him that though.
Some people called in and started giving Fred ideas for names. They also learned that if it's a boy they're going to have is circumcised even though Fred is usually against doing stuff like that. Fred said Alison wants to raise the kid Jewish so he would have to be circumcised.
Fred said they've been trying to get pregnant for about 4 years now. Fred is 46 and his wife is 40. Howard wondered why Fred didn't come to him earlier for advice.
Comedian Tracy Morgan Visits. 11/01/06. 9:15am
Howard came back from break and had the guys bring in Tracy Morgan. He said that Tracy used to be on Saturday Night Live but now he's on ''30 Rock.'' Robin said he looked like he was on a walk of death as he came in. Tracy said he was excited and he and his son watch the show all the time.
Howard asked Tracy about working on Saturday Night Live. Tracy told Howard about growing up in Brooklyn and how it wasn't all that horrible. They had enough money back then. He said his father went to Vietnam when he was like 17 so he was kind of screwed up from that. He said his father picked up some bad habits over there so his mom had to kick him out. He died at the age of 36 from AIDS. He got that from shooting up Heroin according to Tracy.
Howard asked Tracy if it was true that he once vomited on someone at a comedy show. Tracy said he went to a show one time for a bachelor party and drank without having anything to eat first. He threw up in the club and it ended up in the papers after that.
Howard asked Tracy who he hangs out with and if he's got any celebrity friends. He said his real friends are working 9-5 jobs, they're not celebrities. He talked a little bit about his family and how he got married at the age of 25. He said he was fuckin' by the time he was 12 years old and met his wife at the age of 17. He said he sewed his wild oats and got that out of the way before he got married.
Tracy was telling Howard that he likes to stick his tongue up a woman's ass once in a while. He said he doesn't like to piss on chicks or anything like that though. He told Robin that he likes the way women smell down there too. He said that he likes to bang a chick after she's gotten her hair braided and cum in her hair. He said he's into butthole's and toes. Howard told him about King of All Blacks who is into feet just like he is.
Howard wondered where the foot fetish comes from. Tracy said that it's from watching porn and seeing the chick's feet dangling while they're over some dude's shoulder.
Robin asked Tracy how he defines cheating. Tracy thought about that for a few seconds and then said that it's when your heart goes to another person. He said his heart has always been at home though.
Tracy said that he's going to be 38 soon and he's gotten all of the temptations of women out of his system so he doesn't think about cheating on her. He said her pussy is still good and he doesn't have to get other chicks.
Howard asked Tracy how he got on Saturday Night Live. Tracy said it's his balls, he's been funny all his life and people told him that he should be doing comedy. He said he started doing comedy on stage and had 7 minutes of material his first time up on stage. He told Howard that the Brown Brothers discovered him. They put him on TV with his 7 minutes of material on Uptown Comedy Club on FOX. He also did Def Jam with Martin Lawrence.
Howard gave Tracy a plug for the VH-1 film called ''Totally Awesome'' that's airing this weekend. Tracy told Howard he's been listening to his show for about 10 years now. Robin told Tracy about Craig Gass doing the impression of him. Tracy said that he heard about that and he thought that Craig was out making a living doing his impression of him. He wondered if the impression was good or not because he has a New York accent.
Howard asked Tracy about his kids and found out that one of them is 21 years old. Tracy said that they're all old enough to make babies of their own. He also told Howard that he's not with any other woman, his dick is only for his wife Sabina. He told Howard about how they play rape sometimes. He puts on a ski mask and pretends to be doing a home invasion and then he pretends to rape her while she's in the bathroom.
Howard told Tracy to go play rape with Robin over there. Tracy told her that she's looking good. Howard told her to show him her feet since he's so into the foot thing. Robin just laughed. Tracy said he likes mature women and his wife is one of them. He said he likes the women even if they have cellulite and c-section scars and stuff like that. He's from the ghetto and that's what he likes.
Howard thought that Tracy had been shot living in the ghetto but Tracy said he was into sports so he stayed away from all of that shit. He has been locked up a few times though. He said he got locked up for dealing crack when ye was young. He said he only sold like 2 cracks in his life and his uncle slapped the crap out of him for that. He said he didn't want to be left out of everything his friends were doing so he got into it. Luckily he met his wife and she told him to stop with that shit.
Howard asked Tracy about doing Saturday Night Live and if he gets nervous before doing it. He said it was more excitement than being nervous. He also said that he was cool with everyone there and he got along with them all. Howard wondered why he hasn't showed up for 3 appearances on Jim Breuer's show. He said that was all scheduling problems.
Tracy told Howard about the first time he banged a white chick. He said it was before he met his wife and it was the first time he had ever seen pink vagina. He said she made noise while having sex and he had never heard that before.
Tracy told Howard that he just pitched an episode of ''30 Rock'' where they find out that Beetlejuice is his father. He said they're going to write that episode for him. He also said that they were going to write another one where Robin is 6 months pregnant by him.
Howard asked Tracy who the toughest guest was on Saturday Night Live. He said it was Tom Green and he was fucking with him during the sketch on live TV. He said he got pissed off at him and brought the cue card to him off the air and showed him where his lines were.
Tracy talked about working with Norm MacDonald and how great he was to work with. Artie said that Norm was impressed with him when he was working with him. Howard and Tracy talked more about SNL and how tough that job was. Tracy said it was really tough when he started out over there. He hasn't worked there since The Tracy Morgan Show was on. He said the show got canceled and they really fucked him on that whole thing. He said that it's like he got fucked up the ass and his asshole is hanging out and gaping.
Tracy got in a plug for his show ''30 Rock'' which is on tonight but moving to Thursday nights soon. They spent a minute on that and then Howard asked Tracy if he banged any celebrities while he was doing that show. He said he didn't get any chicks while he was there.
Tracy was telling Artie that he had something for him to smell and offered up a finger. He said that was some butthole for him. He was also telling the guys he likes when chicks in porn get gagged and stuff like that. He said he likes when a chick gags and throws up on his dick. He said he will force a woman down on him and make her gag until she pukes. He said he's got a big dick with 9 inches. He was also talking to Howard about stinky pussy and how no guy will take it out even if it does stink.
Tracy got into some very detailed discussions about having sex and how you know it's good when you see that creamy discharge and your dick makes that fart sound when you put it in. He had Howard laughing at that stuff.
Howard asked Tracy if he would ever kiss a man on camera for comedy like Will Ferral did. Tracy said that's the difference between him and Will, Will is fearless. Howard told Tracy that he was happy when he saw Tracy almost punch out Ashton Kutcher after he got Punk'd. Tracy said he took it for real when he saw his car being towed. He said his buddy was with him and he pulled out a box cutter out like he was going to kill someone. Tracy said he was glad it was the Punk'd show because only the A-list get on that show.
Howard took some phone calls for Tracy. One guy said that he'd like to hear Tracy on a black man roundtable with someone like Paul Mooney and guys like that. Tracy said he'd love to be a part of something like that. Another caller said that this interview was great and it was making him piss it was so funny.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that Tracy was in the worst remake ever which was ''The Longest Yard.'' He asked him if he took the money and ran. Tracy said he thought the movie was good and he didn't have to take the money and run. The guys said that Tracy was good in the movie. Howard said that no one would turn down a movie to work with Adam Sandler.
Tracy talked about going to go see David Blaine when he was buried in the ground and pissing on the grave. He said that people want to live and that asshole is burying himself in the ground. Howard asked Tracy to some day tell him what celebrity chicks he's slept with. Tracy said he would have to tell him that stuff off the air, it can't come from his mouth. He wants to go to Scores with Howard sometime. Howard said he would do that.
Tracy told Howard that he once banged a celebrity in the bathroom while she was bent over the sink. He said he had a couple of fingers up her ass as he was banging her from behind. He said that she said ''Oh my stomach!'' as he was doing her and that's the biggest compliment she could give him. He said he finished on her ass and her butthole looked like a missing button off a Donny Brasco jacket.
Tracy said he met this chick at the after party for SNL one night and met her in the bathroom. Howard dug for more details and found out that he banged her for like 20-25 minutes. It was a white woman but he wouldn't say who she was. He said it happened just one time but that's the way it was supposed to be. He said it was like two ships passing in the night.
Tracy said that after they banged he had to reinvent himself and pretend that nothing had happened. Howard was trying to guess who it was but Tracy wasn't talking. He said he might tell Howard if he gets drunk enough at Scores.
Tracy also told Howard about banging a chick on a flight one time. He said he got her in the bathroom on an airplane and he didn't use a condom. He said he finished right inside of her and he doesn't care. He said he could die walking across the street so why not just do that shit. He then revealed that he was just making up all of that stuff. He didn't have sex with a woman in the bathroom at SNL or on the airplane. Howard asked him to swear on the life of his kids but when he wouldn't do that, Howard figured he was caught. Tracy said he might get into trouble with his wife now.
King of All Blacks called in and gave Tracy some advice on how to have a baby girl. He told him to jump out of the pussy just as he's about to nut. Howard said that conversation should be for another show. He let King go and wrapped up with Tracy. He gave him some plugs for the VH-1 movie and said it's coming out on DVD as well.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had a whole list of female guests that they had on SNL while Tracy was there. He started to read off the list and Tracy told him that he didn't get any pussy while he was there. He swore on the life of his kids that he never had sex on his wife. He wouldn't say that he never cheated though. Howard went to break a short time later.
In the clip Robin was reading some news about how much some celebrities were making and how many web mentions the celebrities had. Tom Cruise and Tiger Woods were up there near the top of the list she was reading.
Robin mentioned that Jackie gave her an article to read. She said that Jackie must be really freaked out by this one because it was a story about a pot suppository. She said that they're looking into making this thing for cancer patients but the suppository does not get you high. Robin asked Jackie if he would love a pot suppository. Howard didn't let him answer, he had Robin move on with her news.
Robin read a story about Napster being shut down. Howard said that Vinnie Favale must be really upset about that. He had been downloading a bunch of stuff from the service.
Howard took a call from this guy Shuli who asked if he would bang his mother to get any superpower he wanted. Howard said he would do that for a super power. Howard said he'd like to be able to fly or something like that. Howard said his mother would want him to have a superpower so he's sure she'd go along with it. Shuli asked if Gary would do it too. Howard didn't seem to care.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read a few various stories. She had one about Julia Roberts latest movie ''The Mexican.'' They played some audio of Julia talking about her new movie. Howard heard the movie wasn't so good and the people who think they should vote for her to get an Oscar for ''Erin Brockovich'' should go see ''The Mexican'' first.
Howard had some audio of James Gandolfini talking about how great Julia was to work with. That led to Howard making up stuff about her that he'd say if he worked with her. Jackie was laughing his ass off at the stuff Howard was saying. He was probably writing those lines for Howard to read about Julia.
Howard talked about how Julia is so great that even her vomit would make a great meal. Fred threw in some Beetlejuice vomiting sound clips while that discussion was going on.
Robin read some news about Survivor and Howard talked about how great the one guy she was talking about was just like he was doing with Julia.
Robin had some news about Anthony Hopkins so Howard talked about how great he is to work with too. Howard said that he and Tony Hopkins worked on a film and he said he was so great that he begged him to punch him in the nuts because it would be such an honor.
After that clip we heard a clip from the following Monday:
The Joke Man Is Gone! 3/5/01. 7:05am
Howard announced that Jackie the Joke Man Martling has walked off the show once again. Howard said that after 15 years of working with the guy he just walked out after not being able to negotiate a new contract. Howard said it's over now and the show must go on. He also said that they're going to play ''Win Jackie's Money'' where comedians and voice guys can try to get Jackie's money.
Howard said he doesn't understand the whole walking out thing. He said everyone on the show wanted more money and they all managed to work it out without walking out on the show. For some reason he's the only one that can't work things out.
Phone callers said that they'll miss the Joke Man. Howard said he'll miss him too but he doesn't have to just walk out on the show like he's done so many times in the past. Howard said he's not going to do anything to try and get the guy back because it's not worth the trouble.
Howard said he found out Jackie wasn't coming back when he got an e-mail from him. The e-mail said that Jackie couldn't call Howard because it would be ''too weird''. They've worked together 15 years and that's what happens.
Tom Chiusano came in and said they've been working with Jackie since the beginning of the year and they just weren't going where Jackie wanted them to go. Howard said he knows what they were offering Jackie and any writer would be thrilled to get that kind of money. Howard pointed out that when Jackie goes out on strike it doesn't hurt the people he's trying to negotiate with, it hurts the show.
Robin suggested that they give the job to either Stuttering John or Benjy just to make Jackie feel like crap. John said that Tom would never give him that kind of money though. Tom once told him that he'd die before he'd give him a raise.
Otto And George Come In. 4/16/02. 8:10am
Comedians Otto and George came in to talk to Howard. Howard said he can never remember which one is the puppet, Otto or George. Apparently George is the puppet. Howard told Otto that he was thinking of having this Greg the Bunny puppet on the show but he wasn't sure about it. Otto figured that the puppet operator would hide behind the couch in the studio and do the puppet thing.
George the puppet ended up yelling at Otto about really sucking as a comedian. Howard said he loves when Otto just starts yelling as the puppet and doesn't even stop moving his lips for the ventriloquist dummy. Robin said he sometimes even forgets to move the dummy's mouth when he's talking as the dummy. Howard gave Otto and George a couple of plugs for upcoming appearances. They're appearing at Bananas in Elmsford, New York this Saturday and at The Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey on Sunday. You can also get their video ''American Dummy'' at MillerComedy.com.
Howard spoke to Artie's trainer, Naquam, for about a minute when he called in for some reason. Howard didn't spend a lot of time with him though and got back to Otto and George pretty quickly.
Howard told Otto and George that he's going to take them to Scores to get them some chicks. George (the dummy) said he got a lap dance from a fat chick one time and she erased his penis.
Gary came in and said that Otto used to dislike Andrew ''Dice'' Clay because he stole some of his material. Otto said it was more of the ''working dirty'' thing that ''Dice'' took from him. He said that Clay used to do John Travolta material and later started doing his dirty stuff. Otto said he used to do dirty nursery rhymes and had outgrown them. Then he heard that Clay was using them out on the West coast.
Howard changed subjects for a minute and talked about last night's ''The Bachelor'' that he's now addicted to. Howard said he stayed up until ten o'clock last night to watch it. He brought up how the Bachelor, Alex, pulled a kid up by his arm at one point and hurt the child. Howard said the guy didn't even apologize after he did it. Howard also said it looks like the guy might close the deal with some of the women on next weeks show.
Howard got back to his interview of George the puppet. He tried asking the puppet some questions. The puppet made a bunch of masturbation jokes and stuff like that. Howard also took some phone calls for them and let some people badmouth Otto and George. Howard also killed some time just doing other stuff while Otto and George were there. He read some e-mail they've gotten at the show lately.
After hearing a few phone callers say that they weren't funny, Otto said that he just didn't feel like he was on today. He said it felt too ''forced'' to him because he's used to cursing like crazy in his stand-up act. He said he thought Howard got pissed at him when he let a curse word slip at one point. Howard said he wasn't mad at him though. Howard told Otto that he was laughing at his stuff and he shouldn't feel that way. Howard told Otto that he has a really thin skin and he let one phone caller get him down. Otto said he's just not built for radio. He said he felt like he was going to be funny today but it wasn't coming across that way once he got on the show.
Everyone on the staff started telling Otto that he was being funny and they didn't understand where this odd behavior came from. Howard said he'll have Otto back so he can prove how funny he really is. He wrapped up the interview after that.
This clip was not in my archives. In this clip Howard was talking to Gilbert about how old he was. Gilbert wasn't giving his age so Howard goofed on him about that. Gilbert said he'll probably end up on Entertainment Tonight with other celebrities. That led to them talking about other celebrities who fake their ages. David Brenner's name came up so Gilbert ended up doing his impression of Brenner a little bit.
Howard asked Robin if they were ever going to confront Brenner about his age. Robin said they should. Howard said he's not sure he could take it. He said he likes Brenner a lot but he's no sure he could confront him. Howard said maybe Robin can bring it up. Gilbert went into his impression again.
Howard said since Gilbert does that impression so good he's going to practice asking him about how old he is. Gilbert played along and said that he did his first Carson appearance when he was 5 years old.
Next up we heard Lisa Lampanelli saying that this next clip is her favorite impression. That would be Gilbert's Jerry Seinfeld impression. This clip was from June 3, 1992.
In the clip Howard was talking about Jerry Seinfeld and Gilbert went into his impression of Jerry. He was doing Jerry telling jokes about working in comedy clubs and what that's like. Howard said Jerry thinks that the impression doesn't sound like him. Gilbert kept it up and goofed on Jerry about the way he does his stand-up act.
Howard was doing his Seinfeld impression with Gilbert too. Howard said that Jerry is a womanizer who goes from bed to bed and he pretends that he's not that kind of guy. Gilbert had Howard cracking up with the impression. It was like dueling Seinfelds as they went back and forth with each other.
Robin was reading her news so she went through some more stories. Robin read that Paul Simon had married Edie Brickell. They spent a short time on that story and Gilbert went into his Seinfeld and said that he wouldn't marry a girl who only had one hit song. Jerry was saying he'd want a girl with more hits.
Gary came in and said that they had a woman on the phone who dated Jerry recently. Gary said he knows the woman and she's a very nice person. Howard got her on the line and said that she must be exceptional looking. She said that she only went on one date. She said she met Jerry a couple of years before at a show he was doing. Howard said she must be really good looking. Howard asked if he knew her. She said he probably didn't. Howard asked how much she weighs and how tall she is. He asked what size her bra was and tried to get every detail out of her.
Howard asked the woman how her date went. She told Howard about going out to dinner with him after meeting him at his apartment. Howard said he thinks that she would have had sex with him right there but she said she's not that kind of woman. The woman said that Jerry was on his portable phone when he picked her up. Howard and the guys said he must have just been showing off with that. That led to Howard and Gilbert doing their Jerry voices talking about what he was doing on the phone.
Howard asked what this woman was wearing and she said she may have been too casual for Jerry. She was in jeans and a denim shirt. Gilbert was goofing on Jerry again and joking that he had Scorsese on the portable phone and as soon as he got off of that call he was going to tell her what he thought of her jeans.
The caller talked about going to Jerry's apartment and how she wasn't trying to get into bed with him there. Howard said he thinks she's lying about not wanting to sleep with him. She said she's really not that kind of person. The woman said that James Garner was there at the restaurant too so he came over and introduced himself.
Howard said this woman must have been dizzy from all of the celebrities she was around. She said that she was kind of overwhelmed. Howard asked what kind of conversation they had. She said Jerry is less animated in person. She said they talked about Jerry's TV show and things like that.
Howard asked the woman what happened after dinner. She said they took a walk afterward and that was about it. She said they ended up back at his place to watch The Tonight Show. She said that they sat in different seats and it was one of Johnny's last nights on the air. She said she was coming down with a cold so nothing was happening.
The woman said she took a cab home after Jerry gave her a kiss good night. Howard asked if he called for a second date. She said he did call to go to a Mets game. Howard said she must be good looking if he asked her for a second date. She said they haven't gone out on that date yet but she had a great time at that dinner.
Howard let the caller go after that. Gilbert did some more of his Seinfeld impression and talked about watching Seinfeld and making up how he might have tried to get her pants off. He kept that up even as Robin was trying to get through some more stories in the news.
Howard said that was some date that woman went on. He wanted to know more about what the date was like and what Jerry was saying. He said she wasn't very good at sharing all of the details. Howard and Gilbert did their Seinfeld impressions for a few more minutes taking turns goofing on Jerry. Howard was running late so Robin reminded him they were supposed to have left already.
Howard had the woman back on the phone so he asked her about what Jerry does when they're watching TV. She said that he wasn't really making negative comments but he was talking about Roseanne Barr when she was on The Tonight Show. Howard let the woman go again and said that anyone who dates a celebrity should call them.
Howard was trying to end the show but Gilbert was still on the Seinfeld thing. He was doing the impression over the song as they ended the show.
Daniel Carver Movie Reviews. 8/7/98. 7:15am
KKK member Daniel Carver called in with a few movie reviews today. Daniel reviewed ''Vampire in Brooklyn'', ''Priscilla, Queen of the Desert'', and ''Sister Act''. Daniel said that he sometimes enjoys Eddie Murphy so he gave ''Vampire in Brooklyn'' a 1 burning cross rating. The second movie, ''Priscilla, Queen of the Desert'', was about a drag queen and Daniel didn't like that at all. He said it was the worst movie he's ever seen. He gave that a 0 rating. The last movie, ''Sister Act'', starred Whoopi Goldberg. Daniel said that she's pretty funny so he gave that a 3 burning cross rating. He did say that she was the ugliest black woman he's ever seen though. Howard let a few angry phone callers through to yell at Daniel as usual but everything the people said just didn't phase the racist asswipe. If you want to see all of Daniel's movie reviews check out my Daniel Carver Movie Review Summary page.
Richard Lewis Comes In. 1/9/01. 8:40am
Comedian Richard Lewis came in this morning to plug his new book ''The Other Great Depression'' and his web site RichardLewisOnline.com. You can also find out where Richard is appearing on the web site.
Howard wanted to talk to Richard because in this book of his he talks about how he's a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober for 7 years now. Howard wanted to know if Richard was drunk when he used to call into the show and hang up in the middle of the call. Richard said that wasn't the alcohol. He'd just hang up after getting a laugh.
Howard pulled out a couple bottles of liquor and offered some to Richard. He even went as far as to pour a shot of peppermint schnapps for him. Richard didn't drink it though. He told Howard that he was more into Champagne. Howard told him to take a sip of the schnapps but Richard just said ''Blow me!''
Richard told Howard about some of his experiences where he was drunk and he'd do dumb things. He said he fell asleep at a movie screening one time. Yep, that's about it. That's when people started thinking that Richard isn't really an alcoholic. Howard said that Richard is just a Jew who drinks a little more than other Jews and he thinks he's a drunk. Richard says he really was an alcoholic and he's even blacked out. No one believed that he could even get drunk on Champagne. Richard said he once drank three bottles before going on the Today Show.
Everyone continued to goof on him about the Champagne thing but he swears that he was a drunk. He also said that his friends were the ones who confronted him on his drinking and that's when he got help.
Stuttering John came in and said he thinks Richard just wants to sell books and that's why he's doing this. John drinks a lot more than Richard and he doesn't think he's an alcoholic. Jackie drinks a hell of a lot more than both of them and he doesn't think he's an alcoholic.
Richard says that he was also addicted to sex when he was younger. He used to have phone sex with a lot of women. He also dated and screwed a lot of women. Now he's dating someone close to his age and he's not doing the phone sex thing as much anymore. He said he's still addicted to masturbation though.
Howard took some phone calls for Richard before he left. One guy said that Richard should drink because he'd be funnier than he was this morning. There were a few others who wanted Richard off the air. A short time later Howard wrapped up the interview.
Howard asked Robin how Cleveland was. Robin said it was tough getting there. She said that she saw the plan fly off because she got stuck in traffic outside of the airport. Robin said that she went to the airport and gave herself a half hour buffer. She said that it was on a Friday so the guys told her that she should have left earlier.
Robin said she got to Cleveland at around 9:30 and went out and signed her books. She said that was very nice. She got a little bit of rain on her that night though. Robin said that she was a little late for her book signing too. Howard asked why that was.
Robin said that they told her to be somewhere at 1:30 so she was there. She said they asked her what to do about checking out so she had to check out then so they could get that out of the way. Gary said if he had done that, he would be hung on a cross.
Robin said she didn't know she was going to have to check out. She said that there were people telling her what to do and she just followed that. Robin said she had no idea what they were going to have her doing ahead of time.
Robin said she got there at the book signing around 2:15 in the afternoon. She said she didn't think it was that late.
Howard asked Robin what she did that morning. She got up at 9 and watched movies until she had to get going. Howard said that wasn't much of an excuse for being late. Robin said that's not an excuse, it's just what happened.
Gary told Howard that they can't have the high school intern that they were talking about because Tom said no. Howard said that they can have her, she's 18 years old with the body of a 25 year old. Howard said that he'd like to know why they have that rule. He said that Tom would probably just say that's the way it is.
Howard said that he might have to assign Robin a book signing assistant. Robin said that she's just telling him what she's going through and she doesn't care how he does things. Howard said he hears Robin blaming a lot of people for what went wrong. She could have stopped that from happening.
Robin said that Howard had better leave her alone. She said that she doesn't want him bothering her with his opinions on what she does. Robin said she doesn't have time to get 5,000 assistants like Howard has done. Howard said she shouldn't be late.
Howard said Robin was there the night before and that was good but she had the whole morning free. Robin said she was done and walked out of her booth. Howard said that Robin should have known that she was going to check out before she was supposed leave for the signing.
Jackie said that Robin had nothing but the book signing to do so she should have been there on time. Howard asked what's going on in that organization. Jackie said you'd think she'd find out what she was supposed to do after the book signing. Jackie said that maybe she could have gotten there early. She could have gotten some of the autographs out of the way early.
Gary came in and asked if they think Robin got mad. Howard said she walked out because they were talking about this stuff. He said that she's obviously not cured.
Gary told Howard they had the high school girl on the phone. He said that she's now 19 and she's in college. Howard said that he felt that she was very mature last year when they got her letter so he'd like to have her intern there.
Howard spent a short time talking to the girl, Beth, who was looking to be an intern. Howard asked if she still had her Catholic high school uniform. She said she might still have it.
Howard asked Beth about her measurements and if the guys all go crazy for her. She said they don't go crazy. She said she does wear a bikini at the beach when they asked her about that. Howard heard that and said he'd like to have her intern there.
Howard told Gary to have her in for an interview. Gary asked if she can work mornings. She said she could do that. Howard asked her to bring swim wear and things like that. Gary told her to be there by 9 and they'd interview her. She said she had to go to school.
Beth said that her mother was getting upset. Howard told Beth that they're actually well behaved there. He asked if her mom is hot. Beth said she wasn't but she'd get into that later.
Gary asked if the guys were worried that Robin hadn't come back yet. Jackie said maybe more happened then they knew about. Gary asked if he should go look for her. Howard said she'll be alright.
Stuttering John came in and said that Robin was very upset and she was saying that she's very tired and she wishes that people could be in her shoes and know what she's been going through. John said that she wasn't yelling at him but she was being very patronizing.
Howard said that he had to take a break but he was very shocked by Robin walking off the show like she did. Howard said that he was trying to sell some books for Robin by talking about it and maybe Robin didn't understand that. Howard said maybe she's trying to come up with more to write about in a second book.
After a fast forward we heard Howard asking the guys if they had seen Robin. Jackie said he heard she was tired and she wasn't going to do the show. He said that she claimed that she wasn't upset though. Gary said he saw Robin in the hall and she told him she was very tired and didn't want to do the show.
Robin came back in and said that she was exhausted and she just didn't have the energy to go through that whole thing earlier. She said she doesn't usually have that problem to yell at the guys but today she wasn't able to do it.
Howard said Robin sounded well rested now. Robin started to go off on Gary about what he was saying about her. She said she's tired from running around the country and she wasn't complaining about writing the book like Gary was saying earlier.
Howard said that Robin has done enough promotion for her book and he's seeing what's going on now. Robin said she didn't know what a drain it was going to be on her.
Gary said he was getting the impression that Robin really doesn't like him. Howard said that she's irritated by him when he critiques her. Robin said that Gary was acting like he had all of this personal knowledge about her that he really doesn't have. Robin was also getting tired of Howard's patronizing of her so she told him to just go on with the show.
Howard said he didn't know that he was going to be able to spend so much time talking about this stuff. Robin said that the last time she stopped working was January of 1994. She said that when she says she's going to do something, she's going to do it. She has some more stuff coming up this month and then she's done.
Howard said he didn't think that Robin was taking this stuff right. Robin said that she just wasn't able to talk and she wasn't upset with the subject matter. She said that she just had to go out and rest. Howard said it kind of insults him when someone walks off the show.
Howard asked what time Robin got home from Cleveland. She said it was 6:30-7:00 on Saturday and she relaxed on Sunday. She went out to see Hamlet on Sunday. Howard said that Robin's book is out and you have to read it to understand her.
After a fast forward we heard Howard talking about how Jackie had gone out and gotten a new manager. He talked about what Jackie must have told his old manager about why he was changing. That led to Billy West doing his Jackie impression while Howard was talking about all of that.
Howard goofed on Jackie a little bit and Billy was working the Jackie Puppet talking to him as if it was really him. Howard was trying to find out details about what this new guy is doing for him. Jackie wasn't giving him details though.
Howard asked what Nancy is doing for Jackie. Robin said she hears that she's still helping out with Jokeland. They talked about that and Howard said that Jackie must be happy because he hasn't fired her.
Billy was doing his Jackie Puppet impression through the discussion and cracked Howard up a few times with some of his lines.
Howard asked Jackie about what his manager is going to do for him. He wanted to know if he's going to be booking dates for him. Jackie said that he will be doing that. He didn't want to discuss some of the stuff that Howard was wondering about though.
Robin asked Jackie why he avoided that kind of representation all these years. Jackie said that it was just timing.
Howard said he just heard about it through the grape vine but he can imagine the negotiations that went on. Howard asked if he still has a lawyer as well. Jackie said he did. Robin was asking him some questions too so Jackie said he might just walk out of the studio and told her to just shut up. Howard asked Robin to get to her news after that.
Robin told Howard to talk about the Larry King story. Howard said he had a bad weekend and he was kind of tired too. Robin said that she was still doing her job and asked Jackie what he brought in with him. They ended the segment after that.
In the clip we heard Howard introducing Fred who was doing his Kurt Waldheim Jr. character. He was screaming about all kinds of stuff and Howard said he was turning red from yelling so much. Fred and Howard went back and forth talking about a few things with ''Kurt'' getting all racist about a lot of people.
Robin asked if he had any experiments going on. Kurt said he was trying to stop Robin's legs from going up into the air like the Hindenberg with men. He said it was going to be a tough experiment though.
Kurt wanted to play Guess Who's the Jew so Howard got a guy on the phone to play. The caller said his name was Eddie. Howard ended up talking about the way Z-100 was giving away prizes to the same guy month after month. He said they keep playing the same tape over and over again and he thought he heard them giving away an Edsel in the promos they were running.
Kurt got to the game and gave the caller three names to pick from. He gave him Demi Moore, Mare Winningham and Helen Slater. Howard asked the caller who he was going to pick. Eddie said it was a tough one but he'd go with Helen Slater. He got it right. Fred had picked herb because Howard talked about her yesterday. He figured that no one listened to the show and wouldn't have heard it. Eddie said he didn't even hear the show yesterday so it was a lucky guess.
Howard and Fred convinced Eddie to play for a double or nothing thing. They were going to give him all of the money Howard had in his pocket. Howard said he did have some in there. He pulled out the bills he had in there and counted out $2.11. Eddie said he'd go for it anyway.
Kurt gave Eddie Al Pacino, Robert De Niro and Sly Stallone. Robin said that was a tough one. Howard wasn't even sure who it was out of that group. Fred reminded everyone that Jewishness is decided by the mother. Eddie guessed it was Robert De Niro and guessed right. Howard said he just won $2.11. He said he may not even have to declare it to the IRS because it's so low. Howard wrapped up with Fred and went to break.
In the clip Robin was doing her news and talking about the Kennedy's so Howard went into his impression of Ted talking about how he got away with drowning a woman. Howard was using his megaphone as he was doing the Ted impression and pretending he was on the phone with his wife Joan.
Robin gave Howard details about what had gone on in this story and Howard made up a conversation that Ted and Joan were having about this accident. Howard was having a very detailed conversation with himself in that segment. Robin would read a little more and that would get him going on another subject.
Howard had Ted and Joan arguing about how to pronounce the word car and things like that. Robin had a story about the afterlife to tell too but Howard said he had to take a commercial break. Robin asked if that was him doing both of those impressions during the Kennedy story. Howard said that was him. He proved it by doing some more of the impression.
In the clip Howard was talking to his mom, Ray, on the phone and telling her about some of the things he did as a child. His mother didn't believe that he had these things happen to him when he was a child. She said that she knows that they didn't happen. Howard was claiming that he did shop lift when he was young. He said that all kids do that and he did it too. Ray told Howard that she knows that he didn't do that. Howard said he went to TSS and he stole. Howard said this is coming from a woman who steals Sweet N Low packets and rolls from restaurants. Ray said she doesn't do that either. She said she does take some rolls but she's entitled to them.
Howard told Robin about how his friends got caught stealing but he got some tie clips that he brought home. Ray said this is not good to say and if he heard his kids were stealing he'd be mortified. Howard said that she has to wake up. He said he did steal. Ray didn't want to believe that.
Howard said he did it and it was wrong. He said his friends did get caught and his mom knows them. She said she did not know who they were. Howard said there is a lot that she doesn't know about him. She said he's great at making up these stories. Howard said that Ray isn't even his real mother. Howard said that Michelle Phillips is his real mom.
Howard told Ray that he really did do these things. He said she's delusional. He said that she thinks he's a saint and he's not. He said he'd like her to turn off the radio once in a while.
Howard and Ray went back and forth arguing about what he did when he was a kid. Howard told her he smoked marijuana in his bedroom too. Ray said he didn't do that and he also told his father that he had some of his alcohol and that wasn't true either. Howard said that he did smoke marijuana and he stole stuff from TSS and other places. Ray said that they still shop at TSS in Hempstead and no one ever bothers her there. She said she doesn't get funny looks there like Howard claimed he got shopping there.
Howard said his mother denies that there are even black people in Hempstead. Ray said that she's not the only white person there. Ray said she and Robin should go there and see for themselves. She said that Hempstead is one of the most beautiful towns on Long Island.
Gary came in and said that he had two jobs in Hempstead. He said it's not a beautiful town at all. Howard said it's not all that bad but it's not a pleasant place to visit, especially if you're him.
Howard said his mom is sounding a little crazy this morning. He said she doesn't know everything he did when he was younger. She said that Howard would go to school but then he'd never leave the house. Howard said that's what it was like when he was like 6 years old.
Howard said his mother found him smoking in his room and she's denying that too. He said she found smoke in the room one day and she saw it and knew that he was smoking. She's blocking it all out or something.
Ray told Howard it's time to change his image. Howard said she just can't bare the truth. He asked if she remembers catching him dressing up in her bras and painting his nails. Robin said she knows that he's making this stuff up now.
Howard sang a song about his past. He went right into a song and sang about smoking marijuana and shop lifting. He sang about being beat up by black guys and how his mother is dreaming. This was all to the tune of ''California Dreamin'' by the Mamas and the Papas.
Howard said he's going to keep his mouth shut about this stuff from now on. He told his mom that his sister was twice as bad as he was. Ray said she didn't know why he had to say this stuff. Ray said that Howard was a good little boy and their neighbor wanted her sons to grow up to be like Howard. Howard said that neighbor moved into a mental hospital.
Howard said he will continue to love his mommy and he'll let her believe that this stuff didn't happen. Howard let her go a short time later. They went to break after that.
Paul Anka Visits. 09/19/07. 8:45am
Paul Anka came in a short time later so Howard asked him about Henry and those guys that used to see his shows. Paul said that he used to see those guys come to his shows and he'd see them there with their mistress one night and with their wives the next night. He said they always looked miserable. He also told a story about how if there were hecklers in the crowd in that day, they'd get smacked around and taken right out of the club and replaced with a new couple.
Paul told Howard that he feels for these young performers these days because there's no good place to do your thing like he used to do. Howard read that Paul had 38 top 40 songs in his career. Paul talked about that and about a book he's writing.
Howard said that the last time Paul was on he said that he saw Frank Sinatra's dick and it was pretty big. Paul said that it wasn't as big as Milton Berle's dick though. He said that Milton had another 4 inches on him. Paul said he'd see that in the steam room. Paul said that there were some guys who had small dicks but those guys he doesn't remember. He said that Sammy Davis Jr. Held his own but he doesn't remember all of the details about that stuff. He doesn't think about that all the time.
Howard asked if there were broads in the steam room. Paul said there were some women in there and Frank would bring them in. Howard asked if there was sex going on. Paul said there were rooms for that stuff. He said that some of the guys would come in and disappear into the other rooms. He said that Frank was the guy and you'd do whatever he told them. He said that he was much younger at the time and Frank was a man's man and people would put up with what he'd do.
Howard said that Paul has some good stories to put into that book of his. He mentioned one story about a guy getting thrown down the stairs. Paul said that story was a quick one. He told another story about this guy Ben who was a performer. He said that they used to screw with each other and he had a tape machine that had fooled the guy into thinking he was going to get laid in the next room. He said he loves pulling pranks on guys like that.
Paul told a story about Frank Sinatra getting his teeth knocked out one time. He said that Frank had gotten pissed off at this guy Carl Cohen one time and poured coffee all over the guy. Carl got up and punched Frank in the mouth and knocked some of his teeth out. That led to Frank never going back to the Sands and they ended up just going to Caesar's instead.
Paul said that there was another story about Caesar's. He said that he was told that if he would open up Caesar's, they'd give him 5 percent of the casino. He turned down the offer. He said that this guy was trying to talk him into this deal while he was driving around Rome and the guy was asking for statues and stuff to be changed to have arms and stuff like that.
Howard asked Paul if he ever kicks himself over turning down that offer. Paul said he's okay with it because he just didn't want to get involved in all of that stuff that was going on back in those days in Vegas.
Howard asked Paul what famous chicks he got back in those days. He threw out a bunch of names but Paul said he's not talking, he's saving that stuff for his book. He said he'd share that stuff with Howard first before any of these other shows he's doing this week. Paul said that it will all be in the book.
Howard said he heard that Paul got married again but Paul said he didn't. He said he did have another kid but he didn't get married. He said that they have a 2 year old now and she's out in the green room today. She used to be his physical trainer. Howard checked her out when she came in a short time later. Paul said that she'd just came out of a bad marriage at the time when they got together.
Paul asked his girlfriend Ana to come in and Howard checked her out. Paul told him not to ask her to take off her top or anything. Howard spoke to her and heard an accent which turned out to be Swedish. She's got a book in the works so Paul threw that out there. He said that she should do the show when the book comes out. Howard asked her how long it took for her to hook up with Paul. She said that it was on the first date. Howard asked her how it happened. She said that she needed some time to think about it and it wasn't really the first date. She said that she went to Sweden for a visit and when she came back they went out again. She said that it was the stretching and stuff that got them going. Howard asked if Paul was aroused when she was stretching him out. She said he was but she may have been joking around.
Robin asked Paul how old his kids are. He's got a 41 year old and a 2 year old. Howard asked him if he's exhausted after having the 2 year old. Paul said that he's very involved with the 2 year old even though it is exhausting. Ana said that he really is involved with the kids.
Howard asked Ana if she had a lot of celebrity clients. She did and she said that they did hit on her. She said that most of them would hit on her but she wasn't going to mention any names. Howard said he'd hit on her himself if she was his trainer. Paul said that Howard would hit on a snake if they held it up to him.
Howard asked Paul how one gets into the pants of a physical trainer. Paul said that he was attracted to her and he waited to feel that vibe in the right way. He said that if the attraction is there then you know things are going to work out.
Howard wondered if there are no rubbers involved there, he assumed there were none since Ana ended up pregnant. They said that they were doing the pull out method but Ana miscalculated and that's how she ended up pregnant. Artie pointed out that she was right back into shape so that's the good thing about dating a personal trainer. Howard asked Paul if he's wearing rubbers now. Paul said he's actually had a vasectomy since this 2 year old was born.
Paul told Howard that he should get a vasectomy. Paul said that he felt nothing. They put him out and it was a non-event and everything else works. He said that it was better than going to a dentist. He was out of commission for just 5 days. He said he's not sure if the amount of stuff that comes out is lower than it sued to be but everything is normal as far as he can tell. He told Howard that there's really nothing to it and he shouldn't worry. He said he'd even pay for it.
Howard said that Paul wrote ''My Way'' for Frank and wondered how all of that happened. Paul told Howard the story about how he wrote the song, in 5 hours, and gave it to Frank to perform. He said Frank went into a studio and sang the song and called him on the phone to play it for him. He said he started to cry when he heard the song actually being performed. He said that Frank was going to retire at the time so that was a song that was written for him for his last album. He said that Frank didn't retire after that song was a hit though.
Howard took some phone calls and the callers were telling him that Paul is one of the best guests he's ever had. They were kissing Paul's ass left and right. One guy said that his mother claims that Paul used to fly her out to Vegas on his private jet and he thinks that Paul most have banged her if that's true. Paul didn't deny doing anything like that but he say he knew his mother either. Howard told the guy they'll have to have his mother on next time Paul is in.
Howard played some of Paul's album. One track was Paul and John Bon Jovi doing a duet of ''My Way.'' Paul said that John was very cool about it. They did it in different studios at different times. Howard played a couple minutes of that and then Artie started to sing the song. Paul told him to keep going. Howard told Artie he's got some tone there. He asked Paul why he didn't call Artie. Paul said he didn't know. Then Artie finished the song and Paul told him it was close.
Howard asked Paul about the drugs that the guys did back in his day. Paul said that he never did heroin because he saw a guy doing it back then and how it just sucked him in. He said that Frank used to smoke weed but that was all he ever saw him do. Paul said he tried weed himself. He said that Elvis was on all kinds of stuff and he saw women come screaming out of the room yelling that Elvis wanted to suck their fingers and stuff.
Howard wrapped up with Paul and gave him another plug for his web site PaulAnka.com. He played another track off his album where he covers The Killers ''Mr. Brightside.'' He gave him another plug for the album and some of the casino appearances he's making. He's going to be at the Mohegan Sun this weekend. Paul said he's going to be at the Borgata in Atlantic City in November and he's got a long term deal down there.
The casino talk led to Paul talking about the gambling that used to go on and how he used to see people lose a million bucks in one sitting. He said that he limits himself to 25 grand. He then told a story about a guy who saw him out gambling the night before and, back then, they used to have guys who would watch the gamblers from a catwalk. They had this guy who got sick from being up there with the dust and stuff. He'd spent the whole night watching him to make sure he wasn't cheating. Paul said that back then the dealers would get hints from the dealers that they didn't want certain cards and stuff like that. These days it's not like that.
Robin asked Paul what he thinks about these guys like Brad Pitt and George Clooney trying to recreate that Rat pack thing. He said that it just doesn't work, he said they gave it a try but they're just not the rat pack. He doesn't have a problem with them though. Howard had to wrap up and go to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking to Richard Belzer and Stuttering John. Howard played the questions John asked at the press conference and the first question was ''Where are the Rolling Stones?'' while a guy was telling everyone what was going to be happening. The announcer said that the Stones were near there in an undisclosed area rehearsing.
Belzer was eating in the middle of the interview and telling Howard about why he dislikes the Rolling Stones with a mouth full of food. Howard goofed on Richard about that and did an impression of him talking with his mouth full.
Howard played more of the press conference and John was throwing out questions to Harry Stern and calling him ''Henry'' accidentally. John threw out some goofy questions and the guy wasn't answering some of them. John asked Henry if he was related to Howard Stern and then they stopped the questioning.
Next up we heard some more Stuttering John interviews from September 12, 1996 where he got James Earl Jones. Here's what I wrote back then:
Stuttering John out once again! 9/12/96.
John was out at The News Documentary Emmy Awards last night and got a few interviews. John caught James Earl Jones, Scott O'Grady, James Lovell, and Al Franken. The first person up was James Earl Jones. First question ''Are you Colon Powell?'' James said that he was trying to lose weight so that maybe he would be mistaken for Colon one day ...next question was something about 'don't you hate it when no-talents like Oprah Winfrey make $98 million and James has to do Yellow Pages ads?' James said that he wouldn't call anyone a no-talent. John stuttered while asking a question and James told him that he was also a stutterer. He said that he admires John. John slipped in a 'ballsacksayswhat?' and James just said ''huh?'' When John asked James if he'd let his kid sleep in a room with Michael Jackson alone James just walked away. Next person up was Senator George McGovern. John's first question ''why do you think all the political candidates suck now?'' Good old George just said he wouldn't put it that way and rambled for a couple of seconds. John asked a couple of other lame questions one of which was ''don't you have anything better to do tonight?'' He just left after that one. Next up: Captain Scott O'Grady who was shot down over Bosnia in the past couple of years. Scott was having fun with this. John's first question was ''Do you really give a crap about the people in Bosnia?'' Scott said that he cares about everybody in this world. Every question after that was funny as hell to Scott. He just started to laugh. Even when John would slip in a 'ballsacksayswhat' Scott was so out of it that he just laughed his ass off. John asked him ''who are you going to vote for, the draft dodger or the old codger?'' Scott just laughed. That got John laughing his ass off and they were both in tears. The guy could barely answer a question anymore. John must have slipped in about 20 'ballsacksayswhat's' during this interview. Great interview but the next one was even better. This was with Captain James Lovell from the real Apollo 13 mission. First question was about Tom Hanks portrayal in the movie. James went over that and said Tom was very good. next question ''would it make you nervous to be in space with a homosexual astronaut?'' Lovell was very serious and said it wouldn't bother him.... question ''how was it the first time you had to go to the bathroom in your space suit?'' this got the Captain kind of confused and he eventually answered it saying that they had a normal bathroom on the ship. Next one...''As a NASA experiment did they ever have you masturbate in space?'' This really confused the old guy and he said ''no no hey wait a second where are we?'' then he mumbled something about ''stern in new york''. That's when he knew that he was in trouble. Then this question.. ''did you ever run off a batch in the capsule?'' this time Lovell just said that he wasn't answering that question. Last question.. ''which astronaut had the biggest sexual organ'' that one chased him away! The last person was Al Franken. This interview was nothing compared to the rest of them! Al answered a few questions about how bad his movie was and about leaving Saturday Night Live, since he was one of the writers on SNL for many many years. What a great collection of interviews.
Next up we heard Howard getting to some Stuttering John with Chevy Chase clips. He ran into Chevy outside of NBC. This was from November 29, 1994.
In the clip Howard played John's interview with Chevy and he was doing a British accent with him. John suckered Chevy into the interview and asked him if he was high when he said he'd beat David Letterman. Chevy played dumb like he didn't know what he was talking about. John also asked him if he ever thought he'd see the day when Garrett Morris was more relevant than him. Chevy pretended he didn't hear that one. John asked the question a couple of times. Then Chevy asked if his parents brought him up to do what he's doing. John said they did. He then asked Chevy if he tells his kids what he does for a living or if he lies about it since his career wasn't all that big.
John asked Chevy why he's in a feud with Howard Stern. Chevy told John he loves Howard Stern so he's not sure why he was asking about that. Then John tried to get an interview with his wife and his wife turned off the tape recorder. Chevy told John to leave her alone.
Howard said that John was looking different and asked if he was on Prozac. John said he hadn't taken it but he had taken other stuff. Howard said he thinks that he's tried it and he thinks he's lying to him. John swore that he had never tried it. Howard said he'd be a better idiot on Prozac.
Howard got back to the Chevy Chase interview. John was still asking Chevy if it bothered him that he failed or that no one even remembers that he failed. John asked if he got a picture of the Chevy Chase Theater or did it change too quick?
Robin said they were brutal with Chevy. Howard said that guy pissed him off so he had to do this. He said he was feeling kind of bad for him now though. He said they may have to back off.
Howard asked John who told him to go on Prozac. John said he saw an ad for it in a magazine and they say it can make you better at anything you do. Howard and John spent a few minutes talking about that. Howard was asking if he and a bottle of Prozac in his apartment. John said he didn't but Howard had some information on him and it sounded like he knew he had some. John said he did have some at one point. Howard asked if he tried it. John said he only tried it once and nothing happened.
Gary came in and said that Roseanne and her entourage were there. Howard spent a little more time talking to John about the Prozac thing and John said he felt like he took a placebo or something so he gave up on it. John said he wasn't on the stuff, he just tried it. Howard said he thought he was on it because he was acting odd this morning. Howard asked John how he thinks he figured it all out. John said he knows exactly how he found it out. Howard cut him off and told him to get out of there because he had to talk to Roseanne.
Howard got caught up in the Stuttering John drug thing so he wanted to include Roseanne in that. He told Gary to bring her in to talk about her drug use.
In the clip Howard was playing the F-Emmy award winning audio clip of Corbin's interview. After that Howard read the F-Emmy winner and said that Corbin wasn't available to accept. They had Henry Hill on the phone to accept it instead.
Howard got Henry on the phone and Henry was laughing when they were joking about how he was going to be found since he was in hiding from the mob. Henry turned on the mob so he was in the Witness Protection Program. Howard said maybe the mob isn't all it's cracked up to be if they didn't find Henry yet. Henry said he did get a message from John Gotti through the grapevine. He said he was told not to drive on certain roads.
Howard said henry sounded kind of high to him. Henry said he wasn't and kept saying ''Pu-lease'' when he'd ask him about that kind of stuff. Howard asked Henry if he was serious about the John Gotti message. Henry said that he was and said ''All you kids be cool out there.'' Henry told Howard he's making meatballs that day and he does that every Tuesday.
Howard asked Henry about having sex and he said he's been celibate for 7 months. Henry said he's not even sure why. Henry said he's going to have dinner with his ex-wife soon but he kept cursing so Howard kept having to cut him off. He said he was going to have to hang up on him if he kept that up. Henry just laughed and kept cursing.
Howard talked to Henry more about his time in the mob and about how great Goodfellas was. Henry was laughing through the whole interview. Howard figured he was on something based on the way he was acting.
Howard had Henry make his acceptance speech and then let him go. Howard said that guy is a mess. He said they should write a book about him and going to visit his ex wife. Robin said she's not sure he's out of his life of crime.
They played the segment where Howard asked Felder to perform the song. Here's an excerpt from my archives from that day:
Howard asked Don, who had a guitar in his hand, to take him back to the day when he created Hotel California, and play it for them. Don said that he would do that. Don said that he was going to play the intro and then have Howard play the drum track he brought in. Don wanted them to all sing along but Howard said that he thinks that just Fred should sing because he can actually sing. Don wanted everyone to join in though.
Don went into the song a short time later. He played an acoustic intro and then had Howard start the drum track for the rest of the song. Artie and Fred joined in on the chorus. Don told them they were very good. Artie dropped out at one point so it was just Fred and Don for the rest of the song.
After the song the guys all applauded the song. Artie said that was his favorite musical moment on the show ever. Howard said that Don taught himself on the guitar but it looked like he was doing it in the very official way that you're supposed to when you play guitar.
Ozzy And Jack Osbourne Visit. 11/11/1997. 9:50am
Howard had Ozzy Osbourne come in after Robin's news. Ozzy was going to be doing a DJ gig there at K-Rock today. Howard said Ozzy's son Jack was there with him as well. Jack, who is 11 years old, came in and told Howard that it's actually pretty cool having Ozzy as a father. Robin said Jack seemed like a nice little kid and she was amazed that he as Ozzy's kid. Ozzy said she probably expected Sam Kinison to walk in with him or something. Howard talked to Jack about the stuff he does with his father and found out he likes to shoot air rifles and stuff. Jack said he shot his sister with the air rifle and had the gun taken away from him for about 2 years after that.
Howard asked Ozzy if it was true that he urinated on the Alamo. Ozzy told him to shut up and told him it was true. Howard said he had never heard that before though. He told Jack that he wished that Ozzy was his dad. His dad never did anything cool, he just yelled at him. Jack told Howard that they're going to see Starship Troopers today. Howard told Jack that he could make a ton of money selling stuff out of the house to the kids at school. He told him to take his father's glasses and sell them at school.
Howard asked if any famous people ever come over and hang at the house. Jack said there aren't that many. Ozzy asked Howard to promote this thing he had coming up today. That led to Howard asking about this new music video he's got out and Jack knew more about it than his father did. Howard told Jack that he's going to have some life. He has no idea how much fun it's going to be. He told him he has to play it right though.
Howard gave Ozzy a plug for his new album and talked to him a little bit about that. He mentioned that Ozzy was going to be doing the DJ thing there at the station today. Ozzy had no clue that's what he was there for. Howard wrapped up with them and let them go. He ended the show around 10:10am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard's Ex-Girlfriend Angie Everhart Comes In. 01/29/04. 8:00am
Howard said Gary told him that Angie Everhart hasn't lost her looks at all and looks great this morning. He said that she's wearing a little top and pants. He said she never shows off her legs for some reason. Robin said that she even looks good in a sweat suit. Howard also heard that a lot of the guys aren't going to get the Lingerie Bowl because they're not interested for some reason.
Howard had the guys bring Angie in a short time later. When she came in Scott DePace said he changed his mind and would probably get the Lingerie Bowl. Howard said that Angie always took a bath when they were dating and he saw her wearing only a towel one time. He said he'd actually buy the towel just because she was wearing it.
Howard asked the Scott DePace from E! if he would really buy the pay-per-view special that Angie is part of this Sunday. After Angie said that it was $19.95, he said that it wasn't a bad deal. Angie said that the girls will be wearing lace bras and lace panties in the game. In a practice game someone actually pulled down one of the other girls panties. It's a real, full contact game.
Angie said that she chipped a one in her ankle when practicing one day but she ended up taking off the cast herself. Scott was wondering if he should let his 3 year old son watch something like that. Angie said it should be okay for kids and hopes that nothing will go flying off.
Angie told Howard that she might want to wait until he sees Nikki Ziering before deciding on whose team he wants to bet on. Angie seems to want the win more than Nikki does. She said that Nikki told her that she'd be happy for her team if they win. Angie said she really wants to kill Nikki's team though. Angie said the Lingerie Bowl is a 2 hour special but the game itself is just as long as half time is during the Super Bowl. Angie said she's going to play the full game but Nikki is only going to play 1 play in each half or something like that.
Howard brought up how Angie has kind of taken back what she said about him being the best lover she had. Angie said that the interviewer (Chaunce Hayden) made her uncomfortable asking her over and over about it so she just told him that they were friends. She said that she's not taking back what she said. Stuttering John asked her why she backed off on that when Jillian Barberie questioned her about it. Angie said that she only wants to talk to Howard about that. Howard gave her permission to talk about it with people like Jillian if she wants. He said he'd like that.
Howard played some voice mail that he got about the stuff Angie was saying about him. He was just glad that Angie backed up what she said originally about how great Howard was to her. Angie said that she dated a guy after the FHM article came out and asked her if he was better than Howard. She didn't say what she told him though.
Howard brought up something he did to Angie in a hotel room one night. Angie said she got mad at Howard for what he did to her. Howard said that he tied her up and left her there on the bed alone. He said she was spread eagle and couldn't move. He said he read that it was a turn on but Angie got pissed. She said she'd never let a guy do that to her again. Howard said he only left her there for a few minutes but she said it was a long time. Robin wondered what it was that she did that she deserved to be tied up. Howard just said ''She was bad.'' Howard used a bathrobe tie to tie her up. Angie was getting a little bit uncomfortable with what was being discussed so Howard kind of changed it.
Gary came in and said that Pam Anderson came in found Angie's fur coat in the green room. She was disgusted by it and may have used the B word to describe her. Gary thought it might be a good idea to bring her in to confront her.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who asked Angie how it felt to have Howard like so many women fantasize about. Angie heard her voice and asked ''Is that a woman?'' Mariann went on and sang for Howard like she usually does. Fred played the crow cawing in the background while she was on the line.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that what Angie was doing wasn't fair. He said she didn't want to be badgered by him so she was backing off on what she said to him in the interview he did with her. Howard said that it was kind of true but she was saying that he was a great lover.
Artie wanted to bet on the Lingerie Bowl with Howard but Howard didn't want to do it because it sounds like Nikki isn't going to be playing in the whole game.
A listener called in and asked Angie if Howard really satisfied her. Howard told the guy to shut up because she'd just said that a short time earlier. Howard took some other calls and one guy asked Angie if she'd marry him. She said she had nothing bad to say about him and she's always loved him. She said he's a great friend. Stuttering John asked her what it was about Howard that made him such a good lover. She wasn't saying exactly what it was though. Howard said they got along very well and didn't get on each other's nerves. The reason they broke up was because Angie moved back to the West Coast.
KC came in and asked Angie if Howard is into ass play. Angie said she thought KC was cute until he asked her that. John also asked Howard if he fell in love with Angie. Howard said he does love her and Angie said she loves Howard. John asked her if she'd do a threesome with Howard and Beth. She said that would be too weird. Stuttering John said there's a great sex scene that Angie did in a movie that's available on MrSkin.com.
Howard asked Angie if she wanted to defend herself to Pam Anderson. Angie said she wasn't even sure it was real fur on her coat. She also said she was wearing snake skin boots and that was an animal. Pam came in a minute later and the two of them said a few nice things about each other. Pam wanted to talk about the Gucci coat that Angie was wearing. Pam said that she's coming out with a line of Vegan shoes that don't use leather soles. She was wearing leather soled shoes today though. Pam told Angie and Howard about how they anally electrocute these animals to kill them to get the furs.
Pam said that she argued with Star Jones about a chinchilla coat she had. Pam said that she told her that it took 220 animals to make her coat but Star defended herself saying it only took 80 to make it. Pam said she hopes that she's happier that she only had to have 80 animals killed.
Howard and Pam talked about the kiss they had at a strip club one night. He sounded pretty proud that he'd had Angie and kissed Pam. Pam asked Howard why he and Angie weren't together anymore. Howard told her it was because Angie moved to the West Coast. Pam wasn't even sure why she was there today. She said she didn't have anything to plug. Her radio show is over and she doesn't have anything else to promote. Howard said he had a lot of questions for Pam but he had to take a break first.
In the clip we heard Dice coming in with his buddies Wheels and Club Soda Kenny. Dice was limping in but claimed it was just an itch. Howard thought he was limping. Dice was there to do the Today Show and do the radio show. Dice wanted to bring a guy into the studio from the Today Show but Howard didn't want to do that.
Wheels was trying to ask Howard a question but Howard was having trouble understanding what he was saying. Howard spent a short time talking to him and Dice told him that Wheels is a big fan of Howard's. Gary said he's heard about Wheels and what he does at the comedy shows. Kenny was calling Gary some names and making up new ''Baba Booey'' references like ''Fafa Feces'' and things like that.
Howard tried to get Wheels to tell him what he was talking about earlier but he still wasn't making sense. Howard told him to talk like a normal person or he'd kick him out of there.
Howard gave Dice a hard time about the way he calls him and stays on the phone for like 20 minutes. He said that it's too long. Dice said that's what he does. He said he makes 3 calls an hour and they're 20 minutes each.
Dice lit up a cigarette so Howard asked him to do that during the commercials. He didn't want him smoking in the studio.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Dice and then had to take a break. After the edited out break Dice lit up a cigarette again so Howard was going to kick him out. Dice refused to put it out so Howard said he'd kick him out and just talk to Kenny instead. Dice said they're trying to stop smoking in restaurants in California and he hates that. He said he thinks they're doing that because of him.
Howard asked Dice how he got on The Today Show. Dice wasn't sure and said he doesn't care if he's on or not. Kenny said that he thinks Al Roker is a big fan of Dice. He was making that up so Dice said that he's a big dummy and he just wants to hear his voice on the radio.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Kenny about how Dice had fired him for a few months after an incident at a comedy club. Kenny claimed that he was pan handling for a while out on the streets. Howard wanted a straight answer but Kenny was joking around about everything. Dice said he missed the guy so he had him come back after a few months.
Howard talked to Dice about going to his comedy show and joked around with him for a few more minutes before going to a break.
After the break Howard talked to Dice and the guys about some various things and asked Kenny what his wife is doing to do if Dice dumps him again. Kenny said she's understanding. Howard asked Kenny if he was smart in high school. Kenny said he had bad grades. He dropped out of school and got a G.E.D. but no one believes him about that.
Howard had some tickets to Dice's concert to give away so he plunked down the phones and gave them away. Dice didn't like what he was hearing and kept telling Howard to hang up on people. One guy said he went to London with them but Dice didn't like hearing that and told Howard to hang up. Howard put him on hold.
Howard wrapped up with Dice and asked Kenny some final questions. He asked Kenny how long it took to get his wife in bed. Kenny said he's been with her since High School so it was a long time ago. He said they were very young and naive though. They wrapped up a short time later.
Robin's Theme song contest winner announced. 5-7-96. After wading through a bunch of really funny contest entries, Howard and the crew came up with a winner. The eventual winner was this guy named Bill who sounds like a drunken Mexican telling a story. He told a story as Robin's father. The other entries included a guy just yelling 'bitch bitch bitch' through the whole theme and a guy laughing as Robin over the theme song. Most of the finalists were pretty good and this guy deserved the win for it's nuttiness.
Bill, the winner of Robin's theme song contest, comes in. 5-8-96. Yesterday this guy won a Kawasaki Jet Ski in the Robin's Theme Song Contest. Today he came in to meet the gang and sing his winning song live. Little did anyone know, this guy is in a wheelchair! In a wheelchair and the winner of a damn Jet Ski! So Howard talked to the guy for a while and then a guy called in and offered $1000 for the Jet Ski. Ralph offered $1200 for it. Jackie, the cheap guy that he is, offered $300! Bill wouldn't settle for that, he said that someone told him that it was worth $4000-$5000. So a couple more callers called in and started bidding on the Jet Ski. Then, big spender, Dominic Barbara called in and offered $3500 for it. Howard talked Dominic up to $3800...Sold! So Bill is $3800 richer and who knows what that fat bastard Dominic is going to do with a damn Jet Ski!? Bill sang his song live and did a pretty good job at it. He told Howard that his real name is like Oiler Bill Soto...or something like that.
Kathy said she's not sure how Benjy has a job. She said that his pre-interview with her was awful. She said this segment where she talked about that with Howard was her appearance from May 3, 2000. Here's what I wrote back then:
Kathy Griffin Comes In. 5/3/00. 8:35am
Comedian Kathy Griffin came in to promote a couple of things this morning. She'll be appearing at Caroline's on Broadway on May 12-13 and she'll be on this Sunday's ''X-Files''. Before Kathy came in Gary told Howard that she was showing off her breasts this morning. When she came in Howard asked her if the breasts are natural. She said they are but she wears a Victoria's Secret push-up bra to keep them up.
For some reason Kathy was really pissed off at Benjy who pre-interviewed her last night. She started yelling at him for being a lousy interviewer and said he should be fired. She claimed that he had her on the phone for 2 hours but Benjy said it was more like 8 minutes. It turns out she was upset with him because he wasn't laughing at her jokes that she was telling during the pre-interview. Benjy told her that he's a big fan and thinks she's funny and beautiful. Howard told him this isn't the Benjy show and moved on.
Howard had read in the National Enquirer that Kathy was bad mouthing her old co-star from ''Suddenly Susan'' Brooke Shields. He read through some of the comments that she allegedly made but she says they're not true. The Enquirer also quotes her bad mouthing other people like Gillian Anderson and Leif Garrett. She told Howard that about half of what they wrote was true. The other half they just made up. She doesn't mind it though. She said she kind of likes the fact that she's in the rag mags.
Howard also brought up the fact that Kathy doesn't give out her real age. That was one of the things she was upset about with the pre-interview also. Where it asked her date of birth she just wrote ''fuck off''. She says she keeps that a secret so it doesn't effect her career. She says she tries to work as a 34 year old when she gets jobs. Howard said he could go for that.. She took offense at the way he said that though. Like she doesn't really look like a 34 year old. Howard said he could pass for 37.
Kathy is dating a guy who's in his 20's so Howard spent a little time talking to her about that. She said the guy's sister hooked the two of them up. She told Howard that they were hanging out as friends first and before they had an official ''date'' she slept with him. She said that he was a great kisser and that got her ready to give it up to him. Howard asked Kathy if she knows to keep quiet in bed.. because she was talking so much during the interview. She told him that she shuts her mouth and just moans.
The big story Howard wanted to talk to Kathy about was about her horrible experience with liposuction. She went on to tell Howard about how after getting the fat sucked out of her thighs she had some major medical problems. She got some kind of infection that made it impossible for her to urinate. The doctor didn't send her to the hospital though. He just sent over a nurse to catheterize her to drain the urine each day. She did this for about 5 days. One day she went to the doctor's office and there was an emergency room doctor there who took one look at her and told her she needed to go to the hospital. She went and found out that the urine had backed up in her bladder, liver and even into her back. They catheterized her again and proceeded to drain 1500 cc's of piss from her body! She had to walk around with a bag attached to her to drain the pee for a while after that. Of course now she tries to talk people out of getting this procedure done.
Dr. Calabro called in again and said that lipo is safe as long as you have a qualified doctor do it. Kathy argued that point saying that a bunch of doctors she went to after the urine incident told her that lipo is the worst thing to happen to the medical field in recent times. She and Calabro argued about that for a few minutes. Kathy said that her body went right back to the way it was before the surgery and that's what happens to everyone. She said she doesn't know anyone that it's actually worked on. Howard said he's seen it work on some people that Calabro has worked on. Kathy thinks that he's got some kind of deal with Calabro so he has to say that. Howard said he doesn't have to say it, he's just telling her what he's seen. Kathy eventually just gave the advice to be ''very very careful'' when you decide to have lipo done.
Before Kathy left Howard asked her one last question.. ''Have you had anal yet?'' (with the new boyfriend). Kathy said she hasn't and doesn't like it so it probably won't happen. What a way to end an interview.
In this clip Howard was at the Monkey Bar out in Los Angeles doing a live show. He had Roseanne Barr and her husband Ben come in to visit. Howard said he predicted that Ben would get into show business the last time they were on the show. He was right because he has his own TV show now. Ben told Howard about the show he's doing and what it's going to be about. Roseanne said that he likes to play a cop like he's watching COPS. She said that anytime they need a cop on her show, it'll be Ben.
Howard asked Roseanne about what she was doing on her show to get people wanting to quit. Roseanne said she was trying to get the show done and she was upset that people weren't moving fast enough. Howard said she must have been bad if John Goodman wanted to quit. Roseanne just laughed.
Robin asked Roseanne if she's going to go out and do her own talk show. Roseanne said if she did, it would be the talk show to end all talk shows. Roseanne said she aspires to be as successful as Howard is in talk. Howard said she should keep doing TV shows. She said she's not going to return to do anymore TV after her TV show ends.
Howard said he has a tape he wants to send to her in the mail. He said it's about 25 minutes of Barbara Walters, John Stossel and Hugh Downs talking about Roseanne and Howard Stern. Roseanne said she wants to hear that.
Roseanne said that Barbara Walters found it hard to believe that she was happy. She said she really is happy and she's never miserable.
Roseanne told Howard about her infant son and how all of her kids are brilliant. She said that they're all incredible human beings but the baby is more brilliant than any of the others. She said he says ''hi'' at 3 months old. Howard asked why he wasn't there then. She said he's sleeping now.
Roseanne said she met Bob Dylan at a Frank Sinatra thing and she thought it was great. Howard said it must have been boring. Roseanne said it was fascinating. She said Bob told her that her Star Spangled Banner was the greatest thing ever. Howard said he did too but that must not matter to her.
Roseanne wanted to smoke where they were and Howard seemed to be okay with that. Roseanne said she didn't want a Camel though. Howard told her he used to smoke Merits and Lark. He said they were tough to smoke. He said you had to suck on those things.
Roseanne told Howard how much she enjoyed his book. She said the Michael Jackson thing was kind of shocking and she wondered if it was true. Howard said it's true but people can't believe that he would come to him to repair his image. Roseanne said that's what she did with Howard and it worked. She said that's why she's sitting there. Roseanne said she's one of the celebrities that can destroy her image and it works for her.
Howard said that Roseanne and Ben seem to be two lovebirds. Roseanne said they are very in love. She said that she and Tom Arnold ended everything the week before. She said that he got millions and millions and millions from her. She said she did him favors and that's the way he treated her.
Roseanne also said that Tom had a penis that was only 3 1/2 inches long. Roseanne said she also had to pay the taxes on the money she had to hand over to him. She said that was like she had to pay him twice as much as he was supposed to get. Roseanne said she must have deserved it. Roseanne said she had to pay Tom and pay the government for him. She said that Ben is the most awesome guy she's ever met.
Howard was ready to wrap up with Roseanne but she said she wasn't ready to go. Howard asked her what kind of guy she's going to look for when she dumps Ben. Roseanne said that she's not going to dump him.
Roseanne thanked her fans for watching her TV show. She said it was 8 years of a great show in a time in her life when she was going through some hard stuff. She said she had the fans and that's how she was able to feel the positive. She said she lived her life feeling the negative for a long time. Howard asked if he's going to have to do his radio show until he feels the positive. Howard wrapped up with Roseanne and Ben a short time later.
In the clip Joan came in with her entourage and her dog. Howard told her how good she looks. He told her she looks younger, like a woman in her 30s. Joan said that his nose is growing telling these lies. Howard said he's not just saying that. He told her that he doesn't care if David Brenner calls her ''mom'' because he thinks she looks great for her age. Howard told her she's a cute old bag.
Howard said Joan's sunglasses were bigger than her face. Howard said that she looks great though. Howard asked if she got a lift on her chest. Joan said she hasn't. Howard said that it must have been very cold in there because there was something popping through her silk shirt.
Howard said he saw that Joan got her daughter an apartment in her building. Joan said she did. It's a very large one room apartment. Howard said he'd love to have Joan as his mom. He said that they both do the red carpet interviews and now Joan is paying for her apartment. Howard said she's like Kato for Joan. They talked a little bit about the OJ Simpson trial during that discussion.
Howard said he used to laugh at Melissa for rebelling against her mom. Howard said he sat her down and told her that Joan is taking care of her getting her homes to live in and sending her to school. Howard said he told Melissa that her mom is her meal ticket. Joan said that Melissa loved that too. Howard said he likes Melissa so he had to talk sense to her.
Howard talked to Joan about her jewelry that she sells on QVC. That led to Robin doing an impression of Joan selling her stuff on QVC. Joan said she can't believe that she's doing that to her. Joan said she bought Robin's book and now she may have to return it.
Howard asked Joan who designs her jewelry. Joan said she designs it all herself. Robin was goofing on her about some of the stuff she has and how she pitches it on QVC. Joan had Robin's book with her so she started to rip it up right there in the studio.
Howard got back to Joan's looks but she was still ripping up Robin's book. Howard asked her who does her hair and how she keeps it looking the way it does. He said he had Ralph doing his hair and his head was itchy from the stuff he was using in it. Joan said she doesn't have that problem.
Howard asked Joan if she's been asked to be on Jay Leno or David Letterman's shows. She said that they'll never do that. She said that Peter Lasalle will never allow it. Joan said she didn't even want to talk about that. She said something happened with Edgar and Peter and it was 8 years ago so she's not sure why they're still dealing with that. Joan said that it obviously hurt them. Joan said that Peter never forgot that she said that he was lying about something he said about her not calling Johnny Carson after she got her show.
Joan said that she and Peter's wife spoke on the phone and she said she's really sorry for what she did. She said that the wife told her she should have left Edgar at the time. Howard told her she could have said that she did leave him... in the ground.
Joan said that Peter Lasalle said that he will never have her on any of the shows he produces. Howard said that's ridiculous. He said that maybe he'll get her on Conan. He said she'll have a big return from that. Joan said she's actually been on that show. Howard said Johnny is even controlling her career now that he doesn't have a show. Joan said she doesn't give a shit. Howard said he'd love to get a hold of Johnny and talk to him about what he did to Joan.
Howard said he had to take a break and asked Joan if she was going to stick around. She said she had to get going. They spent a short time talking about sex. They talked about her sex life and if Edgar ever let him go behind her to do stuff. Joan said she thinks that even the missionary position is disgusting.
Howard asked Joan why she got another filthy dog. Joan said that she felt that Spike was in a depression so she got him a companion. Joan said that Spike is at home under a pillow. She said that he's a little older now. She said that when they go out for a walk it's actually a crawl. Joan said she had to get going after that. She was ready to run out of there. Howard said her ass looks like it got a little bigger. Robin told her not to tell her that. Howard said Joan's face was pulled as tight as a tambourine. They wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard was doing his impression of Jerry as he was coming into the studio. Howard was saying ''So, hey...'' over and over. Jerry said he never says ''hey'' like Howard was saying. He said people get that wrong like they do with movie lines too.
Howard said he's not sure how that got associated with Jerry. Jerry said he's not sure but people do it all the time. Howard said Gary does a great impression of Jerry doing that.
Howard said that there was a GQ article where they mentioned the most influential people in comedy. He went through some of the names on the list and Jerry wasn't on it. He said one of them was Howard Stern. Jerry said that's interesting. Howard said Jerry just fell out of his seat.
Howard said Jerry is probably wondering why he's not on the list. Howard was doing more of his impression of Jerry and goofing around with that ''So, hey...'' thing. Howard said maybe Gilbert was the one who started that.
Howard said he admires Jerry for working clean. He said he's not sure why he does it but it works. Jerry said he's not even sure why he does it.
Howard said Jerry has a great act and Stu Smiley was talking about what a great stand-up comic he is. Howard said that guy is a weird dude. He said he works at HBO.
Howard said that Bob Morton is a guy who wouldn't know what was funny if it hit him in the head. Howard said the guy is getting hot chicks like crazy working on Letterman's show. Howard said Bob tries to act nonchalant about it but it's so obvious he didn't get women like that in the past.
Howard said he has a tape of his 13 Letterman appearances and they get stronger and stronger as he goes along. Howard said that Steven Wright is awful. He said he needs to get some new material.
Howard asked Jerry who he's going to be on Regis with this morning. Jerry said he wasn't sure. He said it'll probably be one of those guests they have on regularly.
Howard said Jerry must get tons of babes. Jerry asked Howard if he's still married. Howard said he is so Jerry applauded him. Howard said they've been married for a while now. Jerry said it's nice that she sticks with him even with those tinted glasses on. Jerry said he figured he was going after the babes with that hair of his. Howard said he feels weird with that hair around guys like Jerry. He said he feels normal around Sam Kinison but not around Jerry.
Robin asked Jerry how his show is going. Jerry said he thinks that things are looking up for the show. Robin said she liked it. Jerry said the show might go in as a mid-season replacement. Howard said he sees big things breaking for Jerry. He thinks he's at his prime right now.
Howard said that Jerry is one of the few guys who can go on Letterman and Leno. Jerry said that's true and it's because he has more than one sport jacket in his closet.
Howard asked Jerry if they talked to him about Scientology last time he was on. Jerry said they didn't but he did take a course about it about 12 years ago. He said he thought it was pretty interesting but he's not really into it.
Howard said his sister-in-law got suckered into seeing their movie and they wouldn't let her leave. He said she wanted to leave but they told her she couldn't until she saw the movie. Jerry said he was asked if he wanted to take a personality test. He said he figured he could do pretty well on that so he wanted to take the test.
Jerry said he isn't a Scientologist but he thought it was an interesting thing. Howard said he thought they had something interesting to talk to him about.
Jerry said that Dice Clay was saying that he wasn't funny in an article. Jerry said he thinks that Dice is funny. Howard said he'll have to talk to him about that. He said Jerry is funny. He said that Dice actually wasn't very funny on his Arsenio interview. He said he has to talk to him about that and about Jerry next time they talk.
Howard asked Jerry if he's going to go on that new comedy channel that's starting up. Jerry said he's not. He said that they're going to be showing funny scenes from movies and stuff. He said he saw a test thing of the channel and it was okay. Howard said he thought they were going to have comedians doing stand-up on there. Jerry said there isn't much of that on there from what he saw.
Jerry said he had to get going. He only had like 5 minutes. Howard said he's going to help him sell some tickets to his show that night. They went to break a short time later.
Howard's Sex Slave. 4/27/99. 8:25am
This woman, Solitaire, called in recently and offered to be Howard's sex slave. She came in this morning and the first thing Howard noticed was that she was mulatto. They asked her if it was her mother or father who was black. She wasn't sure at first. That led to the discovery that Solitaire was adopted when she was young. Then they found out that the adoption was illegal so she's now ''not adopted anymore.'' Solitaire said she just met her real mother recently. She also claimed that she was abused when she was with the adoptive family. The reason she came in today was to try and get breast implants. She showed Howard her breasts and they looked pretty bad. She was also a little overweight. Howard got Dr. Calabro on the phone to find out if he'd be willing to donate the implants. Dr. Calabro said it was up to Howard so he decided to give them to her. Howard was planning on smearing mayonnaise on Solitaire's ass and tossing baloney on it but he started having second thoughts. After taking a commercial break he asked Solitaire if she was up for it, she was. Howard went on to smear a jar of Hellman's mayonnaise all over her ass. He said her bathing suit was the size of a tablecloth because her ass was so big. He spent a couple of minutes smearing then he and Jackie started tossing the food. Jackie went first and got a piece of baloney right in the middle of Solitaire's ass. Howard was laughing his ass off. Then he tossed a piece and it stuck right in the mayo. The also threw some cheese and bread to make a nice big ass sandwich. Howard wrapped up the segment right after they tossed the food. He told Solitaire to get her implants and get some fat sucked out then come back to show off her new look.
Ron Jeremy Plays ''Stump The Perv'' Against Richard Christy. 06/16/05. 7:45am
Howard came back from break and wondered what song Fred was playing. Fred said it was actually Vertigo Blue which is Scott the Engineer's son's band. Howard said he liked the song and wanted to hear more. Fred told him not to say that because Scott would bring in a bunch of CDs for him to listen to.
Howard moved on to the Stump the Perv game they were going to play. He said that BosPoker.net was putting up $5,000 for the winner of the game. Howard had some copy that he was reading about the sponsor that didn't make much sense. Jason came in and apologized for screwing it up. Howard then brought in Ron Jeremy who was there to play against Richard Christy in the game. Howard spent a short time talking to Ron about the porn business and how much money he was making at one point. Howard read that he made $500,000 a year at one point but Ron said that was a bit exaggerated. He said he made some money in the porn movies and a some from the marketing of merchandise. Howard wondered why Ron never started his own porn company. Ron said that a lot of guys who have done porn movies have been arrested for various reasons. Ron said he's actually been arrested for doing porn movies but they won in court. He said it's a pain to own your own company doing that stuff so that's why he never wanted his own. Ron said that there are still cases where they're trying to prosecute companies for distributing ''obscene'' movies.
Howard asked Ron about the 87 year old woman he banged in the movie clip they played earlier in the show. Ron said he thought about it as being a goof when he did the movie. He also hopes that he'll have a 40 year old woman doing him when he's that age. He's thinking that it'll be karma and he'll have the favor returned. Howard asked Ron about the woman and if she was thin. Ron said she was thin and she was having fun with the whole thing so it wasn't bad. Howard asked him if he's ever done any of these animal films. Ron said that would be illegal and he's never done that.
Howard asked Ron about his family life and about his past education. Ron said he has a masters degree in special ed. He had some thoughts on Beetlejuice and what went wrong with him. He was saying that they've had so many medical advances these days that they could find out about stuff like that ahead of time now. Howard figures that Beetlejuice may be the last of a dying breed so he's very lucky to have him on the show. Howard got back to the porn stuff and asked Ron about who his favorites are. Ron said that Tabitha Stevens is a very sweet woman. He said that it's not always about how good looking the chicks are, it's all about their energy and how they react when they're having sex. He said that some of the women he has sex with continue to moan after the cameras are off and that's what you want. Ron said that Tabitha is one of those women. Ron says that there aren't many women out there who will date him in a regular relationship but he does have a great social life. He gets a lot of hot chicks but none of them want to be in a serious relationship with him. He was also saying that he can be emotionally monogamous but no physically. Ron said that he and Gene Simmons agree on that.
Howard asked Ron if he thinks he can beat Richard Christy in this game they're about to play. Ron thinks he can. Richard asked Ron about one movie he did where he banged a really fat chick. Ron was saying that he thought he was banging a fold on that chick for about a half hour before he got to the right area. Ron said that wasn't as bad as doing the 87 year old chick. Howard told Ron about the game and said that they've extended the time to 90 seconds because they've had trouble in the past getting to all of the questions. He sent Richard off to Robin's booth and then gave Ron a plug for ''The Cat House'' which is airing on HBO at 11pm on Thursday nights. Howard also gave him a plug for his web site XXXHotSauce.com and then moved on to the game. Here are the questions and answers:
In the clip Howard was talking about the people John got interviews with like Drew Barrymore, David Letterman, Paul Shaffer and John Johnson. They spent a short time talking about those celebrities for a minute and then played the audio.
First up was Drew Barrymore. John asked her what kind of chick turns her on. Drew didn't answer and said hello to someone else. She eventually said that Marilyn Monroe turns her on. John said he got her later after she walked away. He asked her why she won't show her breasts to Howard Stern. She told John to get out of her face.
Up next was Faye Dunaway. John asked her if there would be a Bonnie and Clyde 2. He asked her a couple of others but she walked away after he asked her if she wished that Andrew Lloyd Weber died in a plane crash.
John also got an interview with Billy Joel. John said he was just out on the street and wasn't even at the event he was at. John asked Billy a couple of questions but Billy was just saying he was a piano player.
Howard said that John got Mira Sorvino but he didn't know who she was. They said that it was Paul Sorvino's daughter. John asked Mira who she was. Security was dragging her into the event so she wasn't able to say much to John. She did try to answer him on some but she didn't want to answer anything about Woody Allen when he asked her about him dating Sun Yi.
John also got in a couple of quick questions with Paul Sorvino. He wasn't too happy about the Woody Allen questions either. Howard wondered why it's such a bad question. Howard said Paul Sorvino seems to be a good man so he's not sure why he wouldn't answer that one.
Howard said John tried to interview David Letterman but Dave wasn't talking. John was asking Dave about his ratings and telling him that Howard could help. Dave just walked right by him.
John did get Paul Shaffer and asked him what was going on with the ratings. Paul avoided it by making a reference to Marvin Gaye's ''What's Going On'' song.
John got a few other interviews including one with reporter John Johnson. John and John were talking like they were in a serious discussion until Stuttering John asked him if he was there because his publicist thought it was a good idea. John also asked him about Woody Allen dating Mia Farrow's daughter. Johnson said that he was there to support an artist and that had nothing to do with why he was there. Johnson rambled on about why he was there and how he didn't understand why he was asking the questions in such an aggressive way. Then John asked him what he thinks of Howard Stern. Howard gets upset when John does that. He said he doesn't want to know what the guy thinks of him. Howard wrapped up with John after that.
Marilyn Manson Comes In. 10/25/02. 7:45am
Before Marilyn came in Howard took a phone call from a drunk woman who had nothing to say. She told Howard she thinks he should be on the air from 7 to 12 instead of 6-10. Howard said he didn't have time for her nonsense so he wanted to get off the phone. She told him that she was bored for 2 hours while waiting on the phone to talk to him. Howard told her that she's the boring one and she's only thinking of herself. Howard told her to slam her breasts in a door and a few seconds later she hung up the phone.
Howard had Marilyn Manson (MarilynManson.com) come in right after the call. He said that Marilyn looks more handsome than ever. He's done something with his hair according to Howard.
Howard said Marilyn's girlfriend Dita Von Teese is appearing in Playboy. Marilyn brought in the issue and gave it to Howard. He said she looks great too. Howard talked to Marilyn about his girlfriend a little bit. Howard asked him if he's going to marry her but Marilyn didn't want to talk about that. He told Howard he was going to get him in trouble if he talks about that stuff. Marilyn said they'll see what happens but he learned his lesson with his last relationship. He said he won't discuss it if he does decide to get married. Marilyn said they live together and are in a monogamous relationship... other than his cat that he has sexual feelings for.
Howard brought up Jillian Barberie for some reason and that led to the guys talking about how Marilyn was kicked out of Kathy Griffin's party one time. He was accused of giving drugs to Andy Dick which he says isn't true. He said the party was supposed to be a Tux party and he was just wearing a t-shirt. After getting kicked out he went back to his house with wasn't far from Kathy's. He said that his guitar player did have Jillian Barberie with him and he did hear a woman screaming something about putting something somewhere that leads him to believe that the guy did get Jillian.
Howard spent a short time talking to Marilyn about his new DVD release ''Guns, God And Government World Tour.'' Marilyn said they didn't go with the record company this time for the release so they weren't censored in any way. He said they can show anything they want in this video.
Howard got off the subject for a minute and talked about how there's actually a web site for this guy Chief Moose who has been talking about the Sniper on the news lately. He said it's at ChiefMoose.com.
Howard got back to Marilyn and his girlfriend's Playboy shoot. Marilyn said he doesn't have a problem with people looking at his girlfriend and that's why he brought in the magazine for Howard to look at.
Howard took some phone calls for Marilyn. One guy claims that he walked in on Marilyn giving oral to his bass player before a show one time. Marilyn said he'd never do that before a show because he'd get phlegm in his throat. Marilyn admits that he has had a penis in his mouth but he's not gay because he didn't have a hard on... and it only happened once.
Marilyn brought up this girl who was beaten with a fish the last time he was on. She did it so she could meet Marilyn and he was afraid Howard was going to do the same with this woman he had coming in today. Howard read this e-mail that the woman sent to the show because she wants to meet Marilyn. The 19 year old girl claims that she looks like Gwen Stefani from No Doubt. She claims that she is keeping her virginity until she can lose it to someone like Marilyn. She also likes Taylor Hanson from the group Hanson. She says in the letter that she believes she may remain a virgin forever because she may never find someone just like Marilyn. She said she'd do anything to lose her virginity to Marilyn. Marilyn said that he'd have to ask his girlfriend if he could do something like that but he'd think about it. Howard brought 19 year old Zelda in after reading the letter. Marilyn said she doesn't look like Gwen Stefani though. He said she's pretty though. Howard asked Zelda if she's received anal sex since a lot of people claim to be virgins but they've done everything else. Zelda says that she hasn't even been felt up by a guy. She said she has dated guys but hasn't had any type of sex. She claims she hasn't allowed anyone to do anything. Zelda spoke to Marilyn for a minute and told him what she thinks about him. He told Howard she was very sweet and he's not allowed to beat her with a fish. Zelda said she can't even get herself aroused so she doesn't masturbate. Robin found out she hasn't even had an orgasm. Marilyn said he did have a virgin one time but it was pretty scary.
Howard and Marilyn wanted to know what the deal is with her liking Taylor Hanson. She said she guesses she's an extremist and both of them are on opposite sides of the scale. She said she's even been nicknamed ''Marilyn Hanson.''
Marilyn said he went to a party where Gwen Stefani was at and claims that her husband Gavin, from the band Bush, made a pass at him. He also claims that he urinated on Gwen's toilet seat at the party. Howard wondered why he would do such a thing. Marilyn said Gwen thought it was funny and didn't kick him out of the party. He said he told her about it after he did it. Howard wanted to know how Gavin came on to him. Marilyn said he didn't say anything to him, it was just a look he gave him. Marilyn said he doesn't think Gavin is gay, he just thinks he likes the way he looks.
Howard got back to Zelda and told her that he believes that a man will come into her life and she will get laid. Howard said if he were Marilyn, he'd bang her and get it over with. Adam Carolla said that she can probably get Taylor Hanson. Marilyn said she can get just about any guy she wants. She got to sit next to Marilyn and even got a kiss from him. Howard wanted him to spank her but Marilyn didn't want to do that. He said he's learned not to touch other people. Marilyn said it was okay for her to put her hand in his lap. It was a couple of inches from his crotch but he said that was okay.
Howard gave Marilyn's DVD another plug and said he can't wait to see it. Howard took a break a short time later.
Howard and Andy spent quite a while talking about tons of stuff. Too much to list here. Andy, who sounds very effeminate, claims that he's not gay, he's bi-sexual. Howard teased him about that a bunch of times. Howard thinks he's gay. Andy has 3 kids with 2 different women and he said that the last time he had sex it was with a woman.
They also spoke about the whole rehab thing. Andy said there was an intervention by a friend of his but he did check himself into the rehab center. Apparently he was in the rehab center with Tim Allen and Christian Slater. He didn't hang out with them but they were in the same place.
At one point during the interview Melrose Larry Green called in with a story about Andy. Melrose has known Andy for a long time for some reason. One time Andy told Melrose that he was making a movie. He brought Melrose to an apartment and there was some strange stuff going on with some half dressed women. Andy had Melrose play the part of a voyeur. They didn't really say what happened with that movie though. Melrose asked Howard if he could plug a couple of things but Howard told him ''no'' and hung up on him.
Andy co-starred with the late Phil Hartman on NBC's ''News Radio'' tv show. Howard tried to ask him a couple of things about Phil and his wife Brynn but Andy didn't want to talk about it.
Before Andy left he wanted to do one of the songs he'll be doing at Irving Plaza in New York this Saturday. He had his guitar player come to back him up. No one had any idea what to expect and it was a surprise. Andy sang ''Little Brown Ring'', a song about a sphincter. It was really funny and so gay. After that Howard had Andy come over and sit on his lap for a minute or so. He even tickled Andy while he was on his lap.
In the clip we heard Howard talking about how dopey John is. He said he went out and got some great interviews on tape and on video. He said he should have brought them into Scott the Engineer but Gary had to call and wake him up. Howard said he can't even talk to John because he's so stupid at times. Howard said he really needs brighter people around him. Howard said John is very stupid.
John came in and had no idea why Howard was upset with him. John told Howard that he gave the tapes to Gange and he asked Gange to go over them with Scott. Gange said okay to that. John said he told Gange what he wanted and Gange was cool with it. John was stuttering up a storm as he was telling the story so Robin was laughing at him the whole time.
Mike Gange came in and said it's not his fault. He said he would drop the stuff off and he never said that he would sit with Scott and go over them. John insists that he did. He said Gange is such a lazy liar. Gange said that John is the lazy liar. The two of them went back and forth arguing about who did what.
Howard asked why he has imbeciles working for him. He told John that when he goes out and makes a tape for the show, he has to come in with Scott and do it himself. He said Gange isn't the guy who should be in charge of that. John said that Steve Grillo never gives him a problem and things always get done. Howard told him he should bring Grillo with him then.
Howard said John is always blaming other people and he should be getting his own work done. Howard told him he doesn't want to hear this argument between them. Howard said they'll look forward to hearing those interviews when they're no longer relevant.
After an edited out break Howard got to the tapes that John had for him. John said that no one big showed up at the press conference they were at. He said that the press were asking the most boring questions too. First up was Sheryl Crowe. John asked her what was more believable, space aliens or Michael Jackson making love to Lisa Marie. Sheryl said that she believes there are aliens on the planet. Howard said maybe that's why he didn't like her so much.
Howard had a Ben Stiller interview next. In that clip a reporter asked Ben what his favorite book was. Howard said their questions might be kind of crazy but those kind of questions are just stupid. John asked Ben who is older, Neanderthal man or Mick Jagger. Ben told him to do the math. John also asked him if he thinks OJ is guilty. Ben didn't really give an answer. Howard said that everyone is afraid to say that OJ is guilty. Gary said John asked everyone that question and no one was committing to an answer.
John got an interview with Snoop Dogg and asked if he was carrying heat. Snoop pretended he didn't know what he was talking about. John also asked him why he was so angry. Snoop said he's not angry, he's happy. John also asked him if he thinks OJ is guilty. Snoop didn't answer that one. John asked him why he doesn't use his real name. Snoop goofed on his stutter. John asked him ''Where the white women at?'' Snoop gave him a ''Peace'' and stopped answering questions.
John got an interview with Queen Latifah. He asked her if OJ was innocent or guilty. She said she didn't know either way. She said he just deserves a fair trial. John also asked if she would let Michael Jackson baby sit her children. She said she wouldn't let anyone baby sit her kids. John said everyone there hated his guts when he was yelling out the questions. Queen Latifah asked where he was from. John told her it was Howard Stern and she said she doesn't watch him but when she sees him he's funny. Howard said that's a good answer because it's very confusing. He said they don't say they actually listen but they say that he's funny. John asked her to spell Rwanda. Latifah said she couldn't and walked off stage.
Howard played some more of John's interviews and he got one with the guys from Aerosmith. John said he had a good disguise on and Steven didn't get it at first. Howard played the clip but it was actually a Salt N Pepa interview. Howard said he likes those two. He said he'd like to get it on with those two. He said that one is like an Amazon woman. The other one had some belly hair on her. He said he put the video in his computer to stop motion it and blow it up so he could look closer at it. John asked Salt and Pepa if they thought OJ was innocent or guilty. One of them said they think he's innocent.
John asked the guys from Aerosmith some questions and Steven was bad mouthing Howard when John asked him a question about him. John said he's not sure what happened there. Howard sounded like he was freaked out that they were mad at him. He said that was really weird. Howard said he thinks that it was wrong that they followed Metallica at Woodstock but that's the only bad thing he said about them. Howard said he really doesn't care though. He said he's better at goofing on people than being their friends. Howard said they may have just made the biggest mistake of their lives. Robin said that Howard actually crossed out the negative questions they had about them. She said that Howard said they had been too good to them to ask the negative stuff.
John was asking the Aerosmith if they could spell Rwanda and the Neanderthal man question too. The guys didn't sound too happy about the questions he had. Howard said they were just asking him to a show the other night. He said he still digs those guys though. Howard said he'll fix them though. He said he always wins.
Howard moved on to the next interview which was with Michael Stipe from R.E.M. Howard said he's not a big fan of theirs. He said he doesn't get it. John asked them what they thought of Howard Stern. Stipe said he had never heard of him. John asked some other questions and Stipe wasn't answering him.
John asked Roseanne Barr some questions too. John asked her a few questions about cursing Tom Arnold out on the set of her TV show. That interview wasn't edited down very good so Howard got upset with Gary about that. Gary said that was the one he didn't listen to. He said he was rushing to get it in there. Scott came in and said that he did what Gary told him to do. Gary went off on Scott for not getting it done until 8:30. Scott said they're all a bunch of A-holes. Scott was blaming John and Gary was blaming Scott. Robin said it was like the Three Stooges were working there.
Howard gave up on playing the interviews. He said that no one was taking responsibility there. He said he doesn't hold Scott responsible. He said he told Gary to listen to the interviews because he's the producer. Howard said Gary should have come and told him that he didn't have them done yet. Howard went off on Gary for a couple of minutes about all of that. He told Scott not to even get involved because he wasn't blaming him.
Howard was going off on Gary and Gary kept walking in and out of the studio. Howard said he has to get this on the E! show so everyone can see what's going on in there. He went over the situation with Robin. Then he and Fred started playing with the Gary Puppet and goofed on Gary some more. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
|Mike The CP Comic||Greg The Gay CP Comic||Paul The Coonster||Kelly Beatty|
|Vin The Retard||5||3.5||5||5.5|
|King Of All Blacks||8||4||2||1|
|Big Foot Matt||9||7||10||6|
Before everyone left a few of them had web sites to plug so here they are:
Today's Laughing with the Stars was over around 12:25pm.
Sarah introduced the first segment which was a Junior the Farter segment from March 29, 2004. Here's what I had in my archives:
Sarah Plays ''The Wheel Of Gas'' To Win Money For Breast Implants. 03/29/04. 8:25am
Howard was ready to move on to ''The Wheel of Gas'' after talking to Robin. He brought in this girl, Sarah, who said she wanted breast implants. when she walked in Howard said she didn't need implants. She has a B-cup and Howard thought they were nice. He said she had a great body and wanted her to forget about the implants. He asked her how much she weighs but she said she didn't know. Then Howard said that he now knows how much Robin weighs after reading some articles about her. She's down to 145 pounds after losing a lot of weight. She was up to 220 at her biggest. Artie said that he weighs 225 pounds right now so she was almost as big as he is.
Robin was telling Howard about how she was gaining weight when she was on steroids for some illnesses she had. She said that she wasn't able to work out and was just eating normal amounts of food. She was having cravings for food and wasn't working out so she gained weight. Robin went off on Howard about how he thinks she just sat around eating so she'd gain weight. KC asked her if she lost breast meat when she lost all of this weight. She told them that she lost a cup size after losing the 80 pounds. The guys said she wears a lot of tight pants and stuff to show off her new ass.
Robin talked about how much Bob Levy's roast hurt but she had to laugh at it. KC says that Levy takes credit for Robin's weight loss because of the roast he did. Howard gave Robin food gifts when she as at her biggest as well. Artie pointed out that he gave him a ton of Jack Daniels for Christmas this year. Howard said he gives those guys stuff that they're into so if they're into food, he gives them food. If they're into getting drunk, he gives them alcohol.
A listener called in and asked if it was time for Robin to do Playboy magazine. Howard and the guys would love that but Robin doesn't sound like she's into it. She said she would think about posing in a bathing suit or something but that's about it.
Howard got back to Sarah who came in to play The Wheel of Gas. He spent a couple of minutes talking to her about her body and how good she looks. She thinks she can attract better guys if she has a bigger chest and more self confidence. She says the $2,500 could help her get the implants because she already has some money saved up.
Gary told Howard that this girl has never had an orgasm. She can't even give herself one. She said she's been with two guys in her life and has had sex about 20 times. She has a vibrator and even that doesn't work. Howard said her parents must have done quite a job on her. Howard read the notes about her and she claims that every time she's had sex it's been horrible.
Howard had the guys bring Junior the Farter in to play this game. Howard said that it's being sponsored by ''The Punisher'' the movie. He then explained the rules to Sarah. She's going to have to let Junior fart on her for a certain amount of time depending on what she spins on the Wheel of Gas. She has to be within 6 inches of Junior's ass while he farts. Howard told her she could walk away and he'd give her $250. She chose to keep going. She also has to spin another wheel to find out whether or no she has to keep her mouth open or closed while Junior farts in her face.
Sarah spun the Wheel of Gas and hit the ''17 Minutes'' on the first wheel spin. She then spun the other wheel for open or closed mouth and hit the ''Open Mouth.'' She then had to lay down on the floor so Junior could fart on her face. They had to go 17 full minutes with him farting. Junior needed more space to work his magic. Junior then started blasting away while Sarah laid there and took it. Artie and KC were laughing hysterically as they saw this happening. Howard was laughing as well. Junior had to stop for a second to reload. Sarah was fine the whole time and didn't have a problem with Junior farting right in her face.
Howard asked Sarah how she was doing while she was laying there. Her only complaint was the fact that she as being choked by the microphone wire. Time wasn't flying during this. It seemed like Junior had been going forever but it had only been about 3 minutes. Sarah said that she couldn't smell anything during the farting but Mike Gange from E! said the smell was horrible. He was covering his face but it wasn't helping. Sarah said that Gange smelled more than the farts did.
Junior kept the farts going and everyone thought that they smelled awful but Sarah insisted that they didn't smell. There were a couple of delay hits during this segment. The farts must have been going too long for General Manager Tom Chiusano. Some people were impressed with Junior's wide range of fart types. He has many different types of farts that he demonstrated during this farting event. Howard had to take a break but he didn't want to miss the end of the farting. He was 10 minutes in and if they went to break, they might miss it.
Howard said Sarah looked like she was falling for Junior. She said that he was pretty cute from the angle she was seeing him from. Howard decided to pause the farting so they could take their commercial break.
Bijou Plays ''The Wheel Of Gas.'' 03/29/04. 9:10am
Howard said during the break Tom told them that the rules were that the girl be farted on continuously for 17 minutes. They had a second woman by the name of Bijou who wanted to win a gym membership. Howard said they could have her get farted on as well. She's a stripper but Howard didn't want her to say where unless she went through this fart thing. She was acting kind of strange and wasn't speaking up when she was on the microphone. She was screaming out in the hall when she thought she wasn't going to get on the air. She kept saying she wanted to get closer to Howard but the guys wouldn't let her.
Junior said that Bijou said she had a kid so he told Howard that. She wanted to get closer to Howard so he could give her a look at her body. Howard told her that she didn't look like she's had one. She has a 5 year old and no husband. Howard sent her over to the Wheel of Gas so she could spin it. He was going to give her a plug, $250 and a year membership to Bally Total Fitness. She ended up getting 5 minutes on the first wheel and then spun the second one and hit the ''Open Mouth'' on that one. She said she'd do anything not to have to do the open mouth thing.
Howard had Bijou lay down on the floor and get ready to take Junior the Farter's farts. She screamed out as he bent over her. Junior started farting and she was squealing out like she was in pain as he blasted them in her face. She was ready to bail out on the whole thing after 10 seconds but Howard told her he'd give her a plug for the place she works at if she went through it. She then gave up a short time later and said that Junior smelled horrible and it wasn't worth it for the stuff she was going to win. Howard told her to do it and she said she would only if she could hug Howard. He told her he'd let her hug him if she did it. She got on the floor again and Junior started his farting again. She was ready to throw up after 11 seconds. They kept stopping the clock and restarting it so Junior could fart on her.
Bijou kept moving so they kept restarting the clock. She just wasn't handling it very well. She was gagging and she didn't even want the hug from Howard anymore. She kept saying ''This is so wrong...'' over and over again. She plugged her nose up so they restarted the clock again. It had been over a minute when they restarted it. Then she flipped out when Junior touched her face. She didn't want him touching her so she freaked out and yelled at him. She was also pinching his ass and yelling about how there were stains on his ass. Howard had to stop the game after that.
Howard took some phone calls after that. Guys were calling in to complain about Bijou. She was annoying to some people. Howard told Bijou that she lost everything because she bailed out on the game. She seemed most upset about losing the hug from Howard. Junior was still farting in the background as Howard was telling Bijou what she lost. Then he let her get in a plug for the web site she works for. That site is at CenterfoldStrips.com.
Bijou asked for a spanking so Howard had Gary do that. He whacked her as until she screamed out in pain. She said his hand prints were on her ass. Howard was willing to give Bijou another shot in the future sometime. He wrapped up the segment and went to break after that.
Vinnie Favale's Love Tapes. 10/14/03. 8:05am
CBS Vice President of Late Night TV, Vinnie Favale, came in to hang out with Howard. As he was starting to talk to him he heard someone clipping their nails. It turned out to be Fred who was having a problem with his nails. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that before moving on. He then played the clip of Don Zimmer crying as he was talking about what happened the other night during the Yankees game. Howard talked about how people are saying that Pedro Martinez was wrong for what he did but he thinks that Zimmer was wrong and Pedro did what he had to do. Howard and the guys went over that for a short time before getting to Vinnie.
Howard said the other day they were playing Gary's love tape that he made for his girlfriend many years ago. That's when they found out that Vinnie made a love tape for his girlfriend years ago as well. He explained how he met this girl over the phone accidentally and spoke to each other for four months and eventually got together. Howard said in one clip from his tape Vinnie is scratching his balls while he's laying around in his underwear. Howard let him explain that a little bit before he started to play the tape. Gary and Stuttering John saw the tape so they were telling Howard about some of the wacky stuff Vinnie does on the tapes.
Howard played a clip where Vinnie was blowing kisses and telling this woman how much he loves her. Howard said he's shirtless and in his underwear as he's doing this. Howard played about 10 seconds of it and had to rewind it so they could hear it again. Howard said a penis is a dangerous thing because guys end up doing stuff like this. He continued to play the tape and Vinnie talks about scratching his balls and how he caught himself. He says he'll stop scratching and how that will benefit her because he'll have a free hand for her. Howard took a couple of calls and some guys goofed on Vinnie for making the tape. Howard played some more of it after that while all of the guys in the studio laughed their asses off. Howard started the tape over but ended up stopping it at the same point because he couldn't get over the comment about how Debbie would benefit from that free hand. He eventually got past that and you hear Vinnie showing her his apartment. The place was a mess according to Gary who saw the tape. Howard and Artie were goofing on him. He was really in love with her back then and claims that he's still in love with her just as much today.
Dominic Barbara called in and said he'd pay $25,000 for the rights to the tape. He said that was his first bid as well and it sounds like he'd be willing to pay even more. Howard got right back to the tapes after that. Vinnie gives Debbie a tour of the New York City Mass Transit system. The guys wondered if this was the first chick he ever banged. That would explain why he was so nuts over her but Vinnie said that she wasn't the first and he'd banged maybe 10 women before her. The guys didn't sound like they believed him though.
Vinnie said he can't believe this woman married him after all of this. He said she moved out from Beverly Hills to Bensonhurst. Vinnie goes on to give Debbie the weather report and stuff like that. He also speaks to her in Italian for a short time. Howard and Artie goofed on him about that of course. Robin wondered what his parents thought about all of this. Gary said he saw his mother at one point in the tapes and she looked very happy to have gotten rid of him. Vinnie throws a few more kisses and tells Debbie how much he loves her. Vinnie heard some music in the background and wondered if Gary had thrown that in. Gary told him he didn't need to do that because Vinnie had put it in himself.
A caller said he bets that Gary is breathing a sigh of relief after hearing this. Howard said this makes Gary look like a man after seeing both of their love tapes. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and goofed on Vinnie a little bit. Howard also mentioned that Mariann wrote a letter to the NY Daily News so they talked about that for a few seconds. Howard said he liked what she wrote about Rush fans tuning into his show to hear truth, justice and the American way.
Vinnie wasn't giving them all of the tapes he made for Debbie. He said he didn't masturbate or anything like that on the tapes but he couldn't give them everything. A listener called in and suggested that they put together a bit called Dueling Douche Bags where they play a clip from Gary's love tape and then a clip from Vinnie's.
Howard also had tape of Vinnie and Tom Gisamundo from his station talking about a song for their band. Howard said Vinnie and Tom write songs together but don't perform the stuff themselves. In the tape Howard had Vinnie and Tom go through a song with no music playing and they sound like they're insane. Vinnie said they now talk about doing songs over the phone. The tape Howard was playing was from like 20 years ago. Howard continued to play the tape and goofed on Vinnie about how lame that was.
Gary said Vinnie and Tom hired a band to perform their song and they had that on tape as well. Howard played that and it was horrible. Everyone laughed after hearing the song. Howard played another clip after that where Vinnie and Tom performed as background singers for another song they wrote. They had this professionally produced music track that was put out. They sang background and ruined the song. They only wrote the lyrics, not the music. Howard had yet another clip where Vinnie sang one of his songs that was really bad. Tom also sang to one of them and that was pretty bad as well. Vinnie said they've probably written like 50 songs since 1982 or so.
Howard said that was about it for Vinnie's basement tapes but he knows he's got to have even better stuff. He said he had to take a break but had to talk to Jillian Barberie.
In the clip Howard and the crew were talking about going to Cleveland for their victory tour. Robin had actually received a letter addressed to ''nig*er Quivers'' and it actually got there. Howard and Gary were telling people to put ''Kikey Kikeman'' or something like that on the letter to see who could get it there without an address. Howard said that's what they should do one day on the show and just call each other names like that.
Various Audio Clips. 05/03/06. 8:55am
Howard had some new audio of Wendy the Retard calling in drunk and leaving a voice mail for them. She said that she was hanging out with people she thought were her step-sisters but they're actually her step-sisters. Wendy also claimed that she was drinking too much Mountain Dew but her sister-in-laws yelled out that she was drinking beer. Her sister got on the line and said that Wendy had to go and puke because she drank too much. Howard said the strange thing is that Wendy's sister is really hot.
Howard had a new song parody that he hadn't heard before. It was Crazy Alice mixed in with the ''So You Had A Bad Day'' song. They took clips of her yelling at Artie and Robin and put them in the song. He had another clip where Richard Christy was professing his love for everyone while they were on the air the other night from the Film Festival After Party.
Gary told Howard he should check out the Denise Richard's clips too. She talks about her relationship with Richie Sambora and her former friend Heather Locklear. He played some of the clips and said that Denise stole away Heather's husband and she's making it seem like Heather is making a big deal out of nothing. Howard said he thinks that Denise might be even wackier than Charlie Sheen is. Howard wants to get a hold of Richie Sambora or at least David Spade. That's probably why Spade isn't calling in because he's gotten close to Heather lately.
Howard had some audio of Teri Hatcher talking to Oprah Winfrey about her childhood molestation. He said that she's on the ''I was molested tour'' and she picked the right person to interview her with Oprah. He played one of the clips where Teri talks about being molested and how she remembers very clearly what the guy's penis looked like. Teri also talked about how she held back on sex with her husband while she was suffering through some of this stuff. She said that now that she's divorced, she's worked on all of that and she wants to have sex again.
(The Friday Show) Wendy The Retard Calls In. 08/04/06. 6:40am
After the break Sal played a Grover rap song where he talks about the stuff that went on during the show during the week. Jon took a call from Wendy the Retard who sounded drunk and was going off on someone by the name of Ron David. She said the guy doesn't know how to bang a retard even when she's drunk. Wendy said she had been drinking ''peach fuzz natural'' and had about 30 of them. She said she had some pizza along with that.
Richard said that Wendy calls his voice mail sometimes and three way calls so he can hear her ordering the pizza from Pizza Hut. He said he'll have to play that clip sometime on the Friday Show. Wendy said she wanted them to play Every Homo for her so Richard said he would try and find that for her.
Ralph asked Wendy if she ate the whole pizza she ordered last night. She said she did eat the whole thing. Richard found the song she wanted to hear and played it for her. Wendy was still mumbling over the song as it was playing.
After Every Homo the guys played some of Wendy singing some karaoke to ''Sweet Caroline.'' Gary asked Wendy if she ever throws up when she drinks and if she does, she should call Richard's answering machine before she does it. Wendy said she would do that so Jon let her go.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he feels bad for Jon when Ralph threatens to pull the Howard card on him and claim that Jon can't fire him, only Howard does. Ralph wanted to move forward and stop with the arguing and stuff. Jon moved on to the next clip after that.
Singer Julian Lennon Comes In. 2/18/99. 8:40am
Singer Julian Lennon came in to promote his new album ''Photograph Smile.'' Julian Lennon is the son of the late Beatle, John Lennon. Howard said it best when he told Julian that he hit ''The sperm lottery'' and was born as John Lennon's child. The two of them spent most of the interview talking about how Julian was left out of his father's will and how Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon were left with John's millions. Julian did get a little bit of money out of Yoko but he hinted that it wasn't more than about $1 million. Julian told Howard that he got out of the music business for about 6 or 7 years because he didn't like what was going on at the time. Howard had to point out how bad Sean Lennon's album turned out. Julian defended him by saying that he heard Sean's demos before Yoko got a hold of them and they were pretty good. Who knows what happened after that. Howard had his notes on Julian so he asked him about some of his ex-girlfriends. Julian dated Brooke Shields for a couple of months when he was younger. He wouldn't go into any details though. He also dated Olivia D'Abo who was starring on ''The Wonder Years'' at the time. He wouldn't talk about that much either. Julian said that he still talks to Paul McCartney and George Harrison once in a while. He said those two talk to him more than Ringo Starr. Before Julian left Howard played a little bit of Julian's new album. It sounds very much like a Beatles' album. The album will be released next week.
Howard Talks To Sean Lennon. 5/3/02. 9:40am
Howard knows this guy Hunter who lives out in Los Angeles. Somehow he gets to hang out with celebrities all the time. This morning Hunter called in and said he was at Sean Lennon's house hanging out. Sean and his girlfriend Bijou were both there. Howard wanted to talk to Sean so Hunter spent a few minutes trying to get him on the phone. After 5 minutes or so he finally got on the phone. Howard then interviewed Sean for a few minutes. The main problem Howard had was Sean cursing over and over again even after Howard asked him to stop. He kept saying the F-word over and over. Howard wanted to talk to Sean about his great life but Sean told him it's not all that Howard thinks it is. He told Howard that his perception of his life is all wrong. He said his mother Yoko isn't as controlling as Howard thinks she is. Sean also said that Howard is wrong about Julian not getting any of his father's inheritance too. Sean said he thinks that Julian will get more of the money than he will eventually.
Howard kept saying that Sean doesn't have to really work for anything in his life because his mother has Beatles money and she'll pay the bills. He said that he's trying to get his music career going so he can make his own money.
Sean and Howard got into an argument about the FCC rules about cursing on the air. Sean said he thought Howard was a rebel and he curses on the show more. Howard had to explain to him that there are rules and he has to obey them because he has to make a living doing what he does. Robin told Sean that's the difference between the two of them. Howard has to work for his money so he has to obey rules. Sean refused to listen to them and continued to curse which showed how he doesn't seem to care about following rules.
Howard said that he saw Sean at a party one time and neither of them went up to each other. Sean thought that Howard didn't like him because he goofs on his music. Howard told him just because he doesn't like his music doesn't mean that he doesn't like him as a person. Both of them said that they could hang out with each other if they meet somewhere sometime. Howard told Sean that he shouldn't be afraid to come up to him at a party. Sean told Howard he could hang with him out in L.A. next time he's there. Howard had to take a break because he'd gone so long talking to Sean. Plus, Sean was still cursing and he couldn't let that go on much longer.
E-Mail, Prank Calls And Whacking Off Discussions. 10/11/07. 8:45am
Howard had an e-mail from a woman who said that she would like to go out with Artie. She said she's going nuts thinking about him. She's going to send some pictures to them if Artie has any interest. Artie said that he has to see her first.
Artie said he got an incredible love letter from a chick who wrote a poem for him. He said she didn't send any pictures though and that doesn't fly.
Howard read through some e-mail about the shows this week. He read stuff about the guests they've had on the show this week and some people don't want to hear Donald Trump on the show anymore. The fans seemed to like the Porn Star Feud game they had yesterday.
Howard said they got a lot of positive feedback about that new phony phone call that Sal and Richard did with the Riley Martin audio clips. Howard was going to play it one more time so he had to ask the guys where it was. Gary told him where it was and Howard played it once again.
The Babapology Tape. 6/18/99. 6:30am
Thanks to Joner for the ''Babapology'' title.. If you didn't hear yesterday's show you have to read about the lost Baba Booey tape that I wrote about. This morning Gary brought the tape in and was ready to collect his money. He told Howard that he watched it again last night and it's even more embarrassing that he remembered it to be. He said it wasn't just a couple of months after he and Nancy broke up, it was 7 months later! Gary said that he wanted to cut out the first three minutes of tape because it was kind of boring but Howard wouldn't let him do it. He also told Howard that he wanted to nullify the Death Pool deal they had with Walter Matthau. Howard told him the deal was off. When Gary found out how much money was up in the air he changed his mind. KC came in and told Gary that he had $18,000 in his hand but a short time later he said it was only $10,800. He said he forgot a zero. It turns out there was a total of over $18,000 including the $7000 that Howard and the rest of the crew were putting in for the tape. 3 guys showed up for the first showing and there were others for the second showing with less money. The first 2 guys came in with a total of $10,000. They got front row seats for the video. Howard even had popcorn popped for the guys to eat while watching the tape. The first viewing went off a little bit past 7:00am. This Jewish Canter came in and sang a special Baba Booey version of the Star Spangled Banner for Howard but he didn't like it so he cut him off and kicked him out of the studio. It turned out that the first 3 minutes had some really funny stuff in it. Everyone got to see Gary from 11 years ago with his John Oates(Hall and Oates) look.. big moustache and all. Gary started off telling Nancy why he was doing the videotape.. because he couldn't ''get an audience'' with her. He told Howard that he was able to talk to Nancy on the phone but she wouldn't see him in person. He also said he was able to date her after he made the tape but didn't get into details. Everyone in the studio was laughing hysterically through the tape. The fans who showed up were commenting on Gary's big teeth and moustache. Everyone agreed that Gary came off as a big pussy.. and that was after only 5 minutes of the 12 minute tape! Howard took a break and came back to keep the tape going. Gary hints that he may propose to Nancy a couple of times but those big choppers don't let it out. The first viewing went on for over an hour and 10 minutes. There were plenty of funny parts in the tape to make it worth rewinding. At one point Gary tells Nancy that he ''lost my lover and my best friend'' and that she lost the same thing but gained another lover and best friend. Then he says that he gained some lovers but no best friends. Everyone burst out laughing. Howard called that formula ''Teeth=MC
Pat O'Brien Uncensored. 01/09/06. 6:30am
Howard said that they have a big show today and they are going commercial free. He said he's got about a billion bits they could never play uncensored on the old show. He played the Led Zeppelin song parody where they used the Pat O'Brien audio clips from his voice mail that they played last year on terrestrial radio. This time it was completely uncensored. Howard said that Pat is probably trying to shoot down the satellite this morning because of that.
Howard asked George if he knew about this guy Pat O'Brien and what went on with the phone sex messages. George knew nothing about it so Howard had to explain it to him. That led to the guys talking to George about how old he is. George said that he's 68 but looks good according to Howard. Howard then gave George more details about the Pat O'Brien voice mail messages and how they weren't unable to play them uncensored in the past. Howard wanted Fred to play some of those clips but he wasn't quite prepared.
Howard played a promo that Richard Christy sang to the tune of Billy Squire's ''Stroke Me'' where they give out the new phone number 888-9-ASSHOLE. Howard thinks that number is very fitting because he was never able to use that word on his show even though other DJs were using it on their shows. He said that he would get fined but other jocks wouldn't.
Fred found the Pat O'Brien audio clips so he played those, uncensored, for George. We've heard the clips before but not without beeps and bleeps. They played another couple of song parodies that Dan the Song Parody Man had created with those clips. They had played them back on the old show but they were filled with beeps as well.
George Takei thought the clips kind of humanized Pat. Howard said he wants to talk to Pat about those clips and find out if he actually got the date with that chick.
Two Dopey Strippers Come In. 4/13/00. 6:40am
Two strippers showed up at the station first thing this morning. They wanted to meet Howard and while they were waiting to come in KC and Gary quizzed them and found out that they were good candidates for a ''Turkish Millionaire'' game. Gary said they answered like 1 out of 9 questions correctly in his quiz. Christy and Paige came in and said that they worked all night and came down to meet Howard. They were both drunk on champagne. Howard said they were pretty hot and one of them looked like porno star Janine. They claimed to have made between $1500 and $2000 last night alone. One of the girls showed Howard her breasts. Howard soon moved on to play the game. He told the girls that which ever one got 3 questions correct would win $500. He would start off asking one girl a question and if she didn't get it right he'd ask the other girl the same question. Here are some of the questions and their dopiest answers:
Unoriginal Terrestrial Radio. 02/23/06. 9:40am
Howard said that if you want originality, you have to listen to his show. He had a new bit called ''Ask the Retards'' where they had Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard answering questions. One woman asked why she gets diarrhea when she has her period. Gary and Wendy answered the question and ended up calling each other retards. Gary suggested that the woman take Robatussin to cure it but Wendy knew that the medication wasn't for diarrhea. The two of them cursed each other out and ended up hanging up on each other.
Dating Retards. 04/19/07. 8:15am
Howard took a call from a guy who told a story about hooking up with a retard and having sex with her. Howard asked him if he felt guilty about doing that. The caller, Blake, said he looked at it like he was doing her a favor. That led to Artie talking about a guy he knew who lived with a retarded chick for a few days. He said that the guy ended up putting her on a bus to get rid of her. He said that guy was in AA with him and there were others who had crazy stories like that.
Howard got back to Blake and asked him how he met this retarded girl. He said he met her at a movie theater where she hangs out a lot. He said that she was kind of tweaking out while he was with her. Artie said that the guy he knew actually wore a shirt that read ''I'm With Stupid'' when he'd go out with his retarded chick.
Blake said that the girl he was with was kind of scratching his dick during the movie they were watching. He said she kind of jerked him off during the movie. He said he took her back to his apartment and tried to bang her but he couldn't get his head in there. He said he tried to bang her in the ass too and that was too tight.
Howard had a new ''Ask the Retards'' bit to play so he went into that since they were talking about retards. In this one Gary and Wendy the Retards are asked about jacking off women. Wendy was yelling at Gary about how a woman can't jack off. The two of them ended up yelling at each other about the whole thing. Wendy was giving the woman advice about stretching out her pussy to get off so it doesn't hurt. Wendy got so fed up she hung up the phone. Gary hung up a short time later.
Tracey The Office Manager Flips Out On Steve Grillo. 06/14/07. 6:20am
Howard said that they have this woman Tracey who works there running the office. He said that she's been there for about 2 years now and he's never heard her get angry but she called into the Intern show last night and snapped. There was an item in the news about Steve Grillo inviting the interns to the bar he works at and he told them that the drinks were on him but then they had to pay. It turns out that they couldn't afford it so Tracey ended up picking up the tab. That led to her going off on Steve on the Intern Show last night. Howard played a clip of her yelling at Grillo for telling them to come down and then not helping them out. Tracey wouldn't let Grillo get in a word and just kept yelling at him saying he was a piece of crap.
Tracey was calling Steve a piece of shit and things like that. He'd say a few words and she'd talk right over him not letting him say anything. Artie said that she'd be tough to argue with if he was married to her. He said she was pretty brutal. Howard said that this went on for 7 full minutes. Steve the Intern took a call from a guy who said that she should never diss Steve Grillo like that and she gave that guy a ''fuck you.''
Howard said she was arguing like a guy in that clip. Artie said that he recommended someone for an internship and she gave him a hard time about it because the person didn't interview very well. Artie said he used to go to this bar that Grillo works at. He talked about ''buy backs'' since Tracey was talking to Grillo about them and Howard had no idea what they were.
Howard played more of the Grillo call where he's trying to explain why he wasn't able to take care of them. Ralph called in to get in on the argument too and was laughing at Grillo. That led to Howard and the guys talking about how Ralph loves Grillo almost as much as he loves Eric the Midget.
Artie's Betting And Courtney Love Calls In. 03/22/04. 7:50am
Gary came in and told Howard about how may games there were over the weekend. There were like 48 games and Artie bet on maybe 28 of them. Artie admitted that he may have bet between $10,000 and $20,000 on the games.
Howard's phone rang in the middle of that conversation. It was Courtney Love calling him on his cell phone. He tried to tell her that they had to call her back on a different line so they could put her on the air. Gary had to take down the number from her. Howard said she left him a 15 minute long answering machine message over the weekend and she just rambled on and on. Howard said he thought it was funny how she doesn't know the difference between his cell phone number and his radio station number. He said he'd take a break and get to her then but Gary told him not to do that because they'd lose her.
Courtney was on the line a minute later. She started off cursing so Howard had to hit the delay on her. Courtney started to ramble a little bit about her daughter calling her and saying that she was having nightmares. Courtney's phone was horrible and it was tough to understand what she was saying. Howard was going to put her on hold again so they could get her on a land line phone so they could understand her. He took a break while they did that.
Courtney Love Calls Back. 03/22/04. 8:10am
After the break Howard had Courtney Love on a phone line that he could hear her on. Courtney said that she thinks she has to retire now after all that's been going on lately. Courtney said that Clear Channel can eat her and that's rare for a musician because most of them are afraid to say anything about them because they can ban them from their 1200 stations.
Howard told Courtney that he would rather not see her do Jay Leno's show because he's ''Letterman Lite.'' Courtney said she has to go on that show to be ''normal.'' She was rambling a little bit about her daughter and what's been going on with her lately as well. Courtney told Howard that she and her daughter live the most normal lifestyle and you wouldn't know it. She warned Howard not to go there with her today.
Howard was trying to help Courtney out but she wasn't listening to him. Courtney told Howard that she likes Leno and his wife but Howard isn't to thrilled with him these days since he stole Stuttering John from his show. He changed subjects and asked Courtney about the microphone stand incident that happened at a show recently. She said that she didn't even have a mike stand that night and she never threw one into the crowd.
Howard saw something else in the paper where Courtney was letting a homeless guy kiss her breast. She said she doesn't even remember that happening but she was mobbed at the Wendy's restaurant.
A concierge interrupted Courtney and told her to put out her cigarette. Courtney asked Howard to ask the guy to let her keep smoking so he did that. The guy said he'd let her smoke for a couple more minutes. Courtney then went on to talk about how she and Howard are in the same boat because of their fame. She told Howard how powerful he is with his radio show and how more people tuned into his show after the 9/11 thing than into Tom Brokaw or other guys like that.
Howard said that he didn't call Courtney back the other day when he got the message from her because she never lets him talk. He said he's never seen anyone with more energy than she has and she must crash for days after being up for so long. She said that she thinks she's very normal most of the time, she's just adrenalized all the time.
Courtney was telling Howard that her daughter might lose her horse because they don't have the money to support it for some reason. Courtney said that she has hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars was confiscated and put somewhere in a bunch of accounts. This was supposed to be her daughter's trust fund. She was rambling about where the money may have gone but it didn't make much sense.
Howard asked Courtney if it might be a good idea to keep a low profile for a while. She said that's what she thought she was doing. She continued to ramble on and on while Howard tried to ask her questions. She would just keep talking when he would ask a question. Howard wondered if she's just trying to get him to have sex with her or something.
Courtney and Howard talked about Clear Channel and what's been going on with them lately. Howard tried to get Courtney to come down to the studio to talk to them. He told her that he'd give her a carton of cigarettes if she came down. She wasn't sure she'd have anything to say if she came in. Howard started to wrap up the call with Courtney but she just kept talking. He told her to just get in a car and down to the studio. She was having some issues with a paparazzi guy. She went out and handed this guy the phone so he could describe her. She was going to go back upstairs to get her purse before coming in. The guy said that she looked great so Howard told her to just get down there as fast as she could.
Courtney handed the phone to the concierge at the hotel so Howard told him to make sure that she gets down there. You could still hear her talking in the background as Howard was talking to the guy. A listener called in a short time later and said that he now knows why Kurt Cobain killed himself. Howard ended up giving that guy a couple of Rain Forrest concert tickets.
Artie and Howard did a bit goofing on Courtney after she was off the line. They had this circus music playing in the background and they just blurted out various subjects that she was talking about during the call. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard that he's not sure she'll make it down there. He was trying to give the concierge the address but Courtney could be heard in the background saying that she would only make it there if they billed the limo to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Howard took another break after that.
Courtney Love Comes In. 03/22/04. 9:55am
During the news Courtney Love finally showed up so Howard could see what she was wearing. She managed to show up right as Robin was finishing up her news. Howard told her that she looked better this morning than she did on Letterman last week. She wanted to smoke a cigarette but the guys told her she's not allowed to smoke in there.
Howard and Courtney talked about her drug use many years ago ''back in the day'' with Kurt Cobain. She told Howard that she hasn't done anything in about 10 years.
Gary came in and pointed out the hickey that was on her neck. Howard asked her where it came from but she wasn't talking. She jokingly said that it was the homeless guy from the picture that was in the paper over the weekend. Gary told Howard that Courtney came in this morning after getting a ride in with a guy from the National Enquirer.
Howard said that Courtney's outfit was see through this morning. She said that's what she slept in. Howard noticed that her feet were dirty when she was showing him her feet.
Howard wanted to do a real interview with Courtney so he tried to calm her down and asked her about her past heroin abuse. She told Howard that she was the last person to lose her virginity in her peer group. She said one of the first times she had oral sex was with Ted Nugent. She said she was young and she didn't want to say exactly how old she was. It was a long time ago and she didn't even have breasts yet. She was only 12 and a half years old back then. She told Howard that she didn't have real sex until she was 18 but she admitted she was lying about 5 seconds later.
Courtney got sidetracked quickly and didn't want to talk about that stuff. She changed subjects and asked Howard to continue the fake interview. Howard wanted to look up her skirt but she didn't want to show him. Howard asked her if she's ever been to a psychiatrist and what he's told her. She said that he told her that she is ''ADT'' which, according to her, is like ADD for smart people. She said he did suggest a drug for her to take that would allow her to finish a sentence. She said if you want to be creative though, you can't take it.
Courtney got into her daughter's trust fund problems and how her money was stolen and put into about 40 different accounts. Howard wanted to talk about that but Courtney said that she was starting to sound like Lenny Bruce talking about money like that. Howard tried to find out more about her heroin use after that. She said she tried some way back and got sick taking it. She got back into it later and had a problem with it after that. Howard told Courtney that he had a problem with quaaludes when he was in college but both Courtney and Robin made fun of him about that addiction and how tough it must have been for him to get off of.
Howard asked Courtney about her night in jail last week. She was arrested after a show she did where a guy claimed to have been hit with a microphone stand. Courtney says she didn't even have a mike stand and she heard that this kid lied about his name and disappeared from the hospital after she was arrested. She also said that the guy told actress Natasha Leone that someone told him exactly what to do to get her in trouble after being offered $10,000.
Courtney was rambling about her court case about her the prescription drug use and how all of that went down. Howard had to cut her off during her rant after she ripped a microphone out of the stand. He had to take a break but Courtney was pissed that Howard was talking about her kid... but he hadn't said a word about her daughter. Howard told Robin to apologize for talking about her kid but she hadn't said anything about her either. Courtney ended up breaking down and crying saying that she didn't want Howard talking about her daughter. Howard wasn't talking about her daughter so he didn't know what she was talking about.
Courtney tried to explain what she was talking about but it still didn't make any sense to Howard. Fred played the music he played earlier in the show while Artie sang about all of the stuff that Courtney was talking about during the interview. Howard broke to commercial in the middle of one of Courtney's rants.
More With Courtney Love. 03/22/04. 10:30am
After taking a break Howard came back with Courtney who was still talking non-stop. Howard took a phone call for her from a woman who asked about what Sharon Osbourne said about her recently on her show. She apparently said that she would kill Courtney if she ever spoke to her son again. Courtney went on to talk about how Sharon is blaming her for her son's drug use and she had nothing to do with it.
Another woman called in and said that she wasn't able to get tickets for her show and she was crying as she was telling her how much she loves her. She hoped that Courtney would get her daughter back but Courtney told her that she has her daughter, she just can't sleep at her house or something like that.
Howard took a few more phone calls for Courtney but Courtney wouldn't let them say much before interrupting them. One woman called in and said that she was beaten up by a bouncer at her concert the other day. She said she put her drink on the stage and then got dragged away by the bouncer. Howard cut her off and took another call. A guy asked Courtney if she's holding anything back from Howard about her drug use in the past. She told the caller that she doesn't want to talk about everything with millions of people.
Howard asked Courtney if she's clean and doesn't have any STDs or anything like that. She said she is clean which is surprising because of all of her friends who used drugs out in the San Francisco area. Howard changed subjects and said that she looks more normal in person than she does when she's photographed. He said her lips look weird on TV and in pictures but they looked okay in person.
Courtney told Howard about her breast implants and how she had them at one time but now she doesn't... or she does, who knows, she was all over the place with that. A caller asked Courtney about the black guy who was suckling her in the pictures that were printed over the weekend. She said that it doesn't matter if he was black and she's slept with a black guy before. She didn't say who he was but did say something about him ''moving like a gazelle'' in the sport he played.
A guy called in and said he was at the club where Courtney allegedly hit someone with a mike stand. The guy said he did the sound there and it wasn't a mike stand, it was a tripod that hit the guy. Courtney denied it all of course. Another guy, Echo Man, called in and asked Courtney if she's ever done LSD. She said her father gave some to her when she was 4 but never finished the story. She couldn't stay focused and just kept changing subjects. She told Howard about going to a flower show with Martha Stewart one time and how cool she was.
A guy called in and defended Courtney about the mike stand thing. He said that she didn't do anything wrong. Howard also took a call from a guy saying he was Brad Pitt's brother, Stu, who said he was the one who gave her the hickey on her neck and now he's selling the gas mask he wore on eBay because her coochie smelled so bad.
Howard gave Courtney a plug for her album ''America's Sweetheart'' and tried to talk to her about that. He also asked to see her lift up her skirt so he could check out her hips. She did that for him and he said that it didn't look all that bad. Courtney said she's been working out trying to keep in shape. Courtney wanted to talk more about the album but Howard had to go. It was 10:50 in the morning and it was getting late. She was telling Howard about working on the album and all of the other girls in the band. Howard asked her what the best song was on the album. She told him to play ''Hold on to Me.'' He played some of that and let Courtney ramble for a couple more minutes. She said that she hopes that the FCC eventually leaves him alone. Howard said they will never leave him alone. She continued to talk so Howard had Artie do his song where he sings about all of the subjects that Courtney was talking about. It really was amazing how much stuff she talked about while she was there. Courtney liked what he was doing and got in on it and added some more stuff to the song. Courtney said that Howard had just introduced her to her soul mate (Artie). She went over to him and asked him to keep going. They were doing a duet with the rambling song. Howard let them keep going as he wrapped up the show. She was back by Artie in his area and she was apparently grinding him. It was insane but Howard had to end it because it was already 11 o'clock.
First up was a segment from July 19, 1993 where Howard did an impression of his mom talking to him about how he got himself into writing a book and how he brought that on himself. Howard did his impression of her telling him that he was only doing it to himself.
Howard also did an impression of his mom leaving a message on their answering machine thinking they're home and saying ''hello'' over and over again.
Howard's mom called in and went off on him about the way he was making fun of her. Howard said he was being polite to her when he brushed her off the other day. He said he was busy with people at the house and he was trying to work on his book. Howard said he couldn't take it anymore so he asked his mom if she's ever had anal sex. His mom paused and didn't answer. She said that he would never ask her that if he was looking her in the eye.
Howard told Robin that his parents have taken up square dancing. He said he hopes he doesn't end up doing anything like that when he gets to that age. Howard's mom said it was relaxing but Howard said his father yells at her the whole time. Howard said their friend does the calling for the dances and the guy called in and claimed he was the guy. Howard said the guy that called was an idiot on the phone so his mom said it must not have been the actual guy. Howard agreed with that but he was getting fed up talking about this with her.
Howard talked about his parents trying to learn to play tennis. He said that his mother couldn't even hit the ball. He said she doesn't catch on to stuff very quick like he and his father can. Howard said he's very bright when it comes to stuff like that. Howard talked about his dad and how he used to call him an idiot all the time. He said his mother would chime in and ask what was wrong with him. They had to break after that.
The next clip was from October 21, 1999. In this clip Howard had some callers goofing on Robin about her cats and what a mess they can be. That led to Howard talking about how his mother would never allow pets in her house. Howard said he's kind of uptight around them now because he was raised by her. He said he has these thoughts in his head about how filthy they are. Howard did his impression of his mom talking about the filth and disease that can come from animals.
Howard talked about his mom complaining about his sister's dog and how it's not trained. Howard said he likes to call his mom and tell her he's there with his dog and going for walks with it in the woods. He did his impression of her complaining about all of that too.
Howard said his father used to yell at his mother about keys so he built her a hook to hang them on. He'd yell at her when she wouldn't hang them up and she'd be going crazy looking for them.
The next clip was from February 1, 2000. Here's what I had in my archives:
Howard's Ratings Triumph. 2/1/00. 10:25am
General Manager Tom Chiusano came in with some great news for Howard late this morning. He told Howard that he is, once again, number 1 in the New York radio ratings. He congratulated Howard on his 9 share rating but was soon pushed aside so Howard could talk to his father Ben. Mr. Stern was calling in to talk about a discussion Howard and Robin had a little earlier in the show. They were talking about this contestant on ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' who is claiming an answer he gave on one show as actually correct even though the show says it was wrong. Ben wanted to give his opinion about the situation. Ben says that he thinks the guy should be allowed back on the show to continue where he left off. Howard then spent a few minutes talking to his father about various subjects including the current political battles. Ben said that he would probably vote for Senator McCain if he had to vote tomorrow. Ralph called in at one point and did his impression of Ben. He said that he and Howard have whole conversations while doing their best Ben Stern impressions sometimes.
Director/Actor Vincent Gallo Comes In. 08/26/04. 7:25am
After the commercials Howard had the edited version of the Tom Brokaw news report where they fixed the Bukkake reference. They had his report with the corrected city name of Buchalki in there. Howard replayed the original live version as well to compare the two.
Howard got a letter from someone who told him that his name is on some kind of prayer calendar. He is the focus of tens of thousands of people who pray for him every day. They were asking Howard to appear at this event where they would pray for him in person. Howard read through the letter and said that they gave him a number to call if he wanted to find out more. Howard said they may just have to make that call later on.
Howard said this guy Vincent Gallo once prayed for someone to get cancer and it worked. There were some other things that he quickly mentioned before Vincent came in and cursed on the air. Howard told him he can't use that word on the air and warned him about certain other words as well. Howard and Vincent went on to talk about an interview that Vincent did one time with the NY Times. They were supposed to let him see the final product and use a picture they supplied. The woman, that Vincent called a witch, made some changes so he ended up wishing cancer on her. Howard said that actually worked when he wished cancer on Roger Ebert and he ended up getting cancer. Gallo said that Ebert is a nice guy and it's nice to see him on a better diet now. Vincent called Ebert a fat pig after he got a bad review on a movie and then wished cancer upon him. On the Ebert and Roeper show they bashed this movie of his ''The Brown Bunny'' and really bashed it. Even Vincent said some stuff about the movie not being all that good. Vincent said he actually talked about how he made the movie for himself and it was kind of self indulgent.
Vincent Gallo got so upset with Roger Ebert about the things he said that he wished cancer upon him. Vincent said that many things that he has wished for, both good and bad, have actually come through. Vincent also went off on this guy up in Buffalo who calls himself Sandy Beach who has given him bad reviews.
Roger Ebert was on the phone to talk to Vincent about this whole cancer thing. Ebert said that he heard that Vincent has bad aim because he was trying to give him colon cancer but missed and gave him prostate cancer instead. Vincent and Roger have made up since the whole cancer thing but Vincent still dislikes the review he got from Roeper. It was a line about the movie being like a steaming pile of excrement is what got to him. Ebert said that he did see ''The Brown Bunny'' in 2003 and it was the worst film he'd seen at the time. Vincent has edited it since then and cut out 26 minutes of the movie. Ebert said he didn't miss one minute of it.
Howard asked Vincent what he thinks is the worst movie ever made. He heard that Vincent has even bad mouthed Robert De Niro. Vincent told Howard that he has inspired many bad actors and that's what he has said. He said Ed Norton is one of those clones. They were all over the place talking about other actors like Leonardo DiCaprio who Vincent once called the best looking chick around.
Roger told Howard that Vincent's comments about him really didn't bother him all that much. He knows that there are other actors out there who feel that way. Sean Penn once wrote him a letter defending one of his performances and he appreciated getting the letter from him because he was letting him know how he felt without just calling him names. Roger said you can see their review of Vincent's new movie on Ebert and Roeper this weekend. Howard let him go after that and got back to Vincent.
Howard talked to Vincent about how he likes feeling alone and won't get married. Howard believes that he doesn't really like women all that much although he does get laid a lot. There's a lot of controversy about his new movie because he has Chloe Sevigny giving him real oral in a sex scene. Howard just wanted to know if it was good oral. There were a few delay hits during this discussion so we missed out on some of it. Vincent did say that they did more than one take for the sex scene though.
Howard read through some of the notes he had about Vincent about how he screwed up his back so bad that he has trouble sleeping and has screwed up some relationships with some friends of his. He is friends with Johnny Ramone and kind of screwed up his relationship with him. Johnny is sick now and Vincent feels bad about that but he just didn't have enough time to spend with the guy.
Howard brought up some other names like Christina Ricci. Vincent has said some stuff about her being drunk on the set and how much better she was when she wasn't drunk. Vincent also said she was like a puppet and she did what he said when he made the movie ''Buffalo 66'' with her. He even called her the C-word. Vincent said she had a miserable publicist who wanted her to promote another film at the time instead of his movie. Vincent called James Cameron a pig at some point but even Vincent didn't remember doing that. He once called Quentin Tarantino an asshole. He motioned with his fingers that Tarantino smokes weed and said he does it all day and night.
Howard read that Vincent once made out with Darryl Hannah. Vincent said that was about all they did. He thinks she's really pretty but a little too tall for him. He also dated Paris Hilton. He said that she's the greatest and she's very sexual. He made a movie with her about 5 years ago and she looked great at the time. He said that she's the sweetest girl of all time in his opinion. Howard wondered why he didn't stay with her. Vincent said he just wasn't in love with her.
Howard asked Vincent about where he lives because he read that he refuses to leave the 300 square foot apartment he lives in now. Vincent said he owns about $7 million worth of real estate and lives in this 300 square foot apartment because he's been there so long. Howard wanted to get political with Vincent. He asked him about George W and why he's backing his administration. Vincent said there are some bright people in his administration but Howard couldn't believe that he was saying that.
Howard gave Vincent a plug for his movie ''The Brown Bunny'' that opens this weekend. Vincent told people to vote for Bush this November but Howard said that he wants people to vote for Kerry. The two of them differ on that stuff. Howard only spent a few seconds on that and then took some phone calls. A woman from Buffalo called in and got Vincent so pissed at her that he wouldn't stop with the S-word. Howard and Artie had to yell at him to stop. The delay was hit a couple of times during that. Howard asked Vincent about living up in Buffalo and about his parents who live up there.
Gary came in and told Howard that Vincent was a chronic masturbator when he was younger. Vincent said that he was actually arrested for that at one time when he was caught outside beating off. He tried to explain to Howard about what he did back then but the delay hits were coming left and right so we didn't hear much of this conversation. Vincent told the story about how he was caught by the cops beating off and how his father beat him for 9 days after that. He was told that he ruined the family so he was no longer allowed to be happy. After all of that Vincent never whacked off to any women out in public again. He said his mother never looked at him the same way again after that though.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said she doesn't know much about Vincent but she does kind of like him after reading about him. She was wondering what was up with him picking Cheryl Tiegs for his movie. He said making out with her was one of the highlights of his life. The guys also talked about Angelica Houston and how horrible she was.
Howard let a few more callers through. A couple of people had some nice things to say about Vincent. There were also a couple of people who don't like the guy and let him know. One guy told Howard to ask Vincent about Christina Ricci peeing on the set of the movie. Vincent said it wasn't on the set, it was at a restaurant in the middle of the floor. Vincent said that he heard from the crew members and the restaurant owner that she had done that but he didn't see it first hand.
Howard had Vincent go off on a few people that he hates. He had a whole list of about 10 people that he hates. He went off on all of these reporters and some other people calling them names. Vincent was also talking about a reporter from Page Six who he may just curse with cancer. He said it feels great to get that stuff out there and he would love to have a radio show where he could do that every day. Howard has wished cancer upon people in the past and has gotten into trouble with that. Most recently he wished cancer upon Lowry Mays and it seems to be working. Howard told Vincent that he can call in anytime he wants to wish cancer upon someone. He then started to wrap up the segment and gave Vincent a plug for his movie ''The Brown Bunny'' again. The movie opens this weekend and you get to see Vincent getting oral from Chloe Sevigny. Howard went to break after that.
The show was over around 2:00pm today.
Best of the Week was over around 10:40am.