|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
The first interview was from January 7, 2005 and it was with Verne Troyer. Here's what they played:
Verne Troyer And Mark Cronin From The Surreal Life Come In. 01/07/05. 8:40am
Howard came back from break and brought in Verne Troyer who played Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies. Howard said that Verne is now on ''The Surreal Life.'' Mark Cronin, who used to write for Howard's Channel 9 show, is the producer of ''The Surreal Life'' and came in with Verne this morning. Howard talked to Verne about how out of control he seems on this new show ''The Surreal Life.'' He said that there are some people on the show that aren't that well known but everyone knows who Verne is. Former wrestler Chyna Doll is on the show and she took Verne's room in the house they're living in. The room was obviously his because it made for his size. Verne ended up getting pissed and pissed in front of one of the other rooms in the house because of that. Howard said that Verne drinks a lot and gets pretty wasted on the show. Mark Cronin said that he's seen Verne put away a couple of six packs of Bud in a can on occasion so he doesn't get drunk as easy as you'd think.
Howard has heard many rumors about Verne going to the Playboy mansion and getting some of the Playmates. Verne didn't want to talk about who he's had though. Howard wondered if Verne was married or something because he didn't want to talk about it. Verne said he's not married and some of the rumors he's heard are just not true. Howard said that he would brag about banging Playboy models. Mark said that it's not just one at a time that Verne has had either. Verne told Mark he was going to kick his ass. Mark held up 3 fingers when Howard asked how many chicks he's had at once. Verne said that it was 3 or 4 and there was another guy with him that night. He said the guy didn't do them at the same time though.
Howard heard that Verne isn't all that big ''down below'' but he thinks that he's probably bigger than him. Verne asked Howard if he knows what a baby's arm looks like, that's what he's got. Robin asked Verne if it was true that he had gone into rehab for his drinking. Verne said those were just stories. Mark said that Verne has the life of a rock star.
Howard asked Verne how big he was when he was born. He said he was 5 pounds and his father kind of knew that something was up because of his proportions when he was born. Howard wondered if he gets pissed that the rest of the people in his town were average size. Verne said that the people there treated him pretty normal. He was homecoming king in high school. He also said that he did have some sexual encounters when he was in school back then. He didn't want to give any details on that though. Howard figures that the quality of chicks must have shot up after being in Austin Powers. He also wondered if he got paid well for doing Austin Powers. Verne said that he's not a millionaire. Mike Myers hasn't called him in quite a while but he didn't want to say anything bad about him. Howard thinks that he got paid more for doing ''The Surreal Life'' than he did for those Austin Powers movies.
Howard asked Verne why the word ''midget'' is like the N-word to them. Verne said that the word Dwarf is the correct one for them and he didn't want to get into it with him. He seemed to be getting kind of upset but Mark asked him to explain it to people who don't get it. Verne said that midget is a derogatory word for little people and it really is like the N-word for them. Robin asked Verne how he got into show business. Verne said he started out as a stunt man. He was a stunt man for a 9 month old baby in one movie. He eventually moved out to Hollywood to get more work. He now has a manger who is a little person and her husband, another little person, is his best friend.
Mark said that Verne has quite a rap when it comes to talking to women. Verne said that he knows what they want and it's him. Howard asked Verne if he gets pissed when people call him Mini-Me. Verne said that he does get upset and just corrects people, telling them that his name is Verne. Howard said that he could make a ton of dough if he just let cameras follow him around 24 hours a day. Howard heard that people will walk down the street and just pick Verne up. Verne said that's not true but it does piss him off when people pat him on the head when they meet him.
Howard wanted to know more about Verne's engagement to a 6'2'' tall model but Verne has a gag order and isn't allowed to talk about it. Howard took a call from Ralph who told a story about his buddy Hunter who used to hang out with Verne. One night he got drunk and passed out so Hunter was carrying him around like a baby. Ralph also asked Verne if his house is made small for him. He said that his furniture is lower and he does have a shower head at his level but also has one at the regular height for a woman so they can both be in the shower at the same time. Howard wondered how Verne uses a bathroom when he's in a public place. Verne didn't want to get into that but did say that he uses a regular toilet. Howard wondered how he gets up there because they're so tall. Gary told Howard that Verne did go before he came in the studio and they weren't sure how that worked. Verne didn't say exactly how he got up there but he did bring in some stuff to clean off the toilet.
A phone caller said that there's no way that Verne gets chicks. Howard said that there is proof that he gets hot chicks and he doesn't know what he's talking about. The caller was telling Verne that he's a freak and he has to realize that. Howard wondered why the guy had to be so mean. The delay ended up getting hit because of something Verne said. Howard took a few more calls after that. One guy said he saw Verne out in Michigan one time and he was really drunk and picking fights with people. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked Verne if he smokes weed. Verne claims that he doesn't but the guys couldn't believe that. He said he's tried it but doesn't like it. Verne said he's tried other drugs but didn't like them either so he sticks to alcohol.
Verne told Howard about a movie he just did on A&E called ''Carol's Christmas'' and he played Death in that. He's also working on a new show based on him with Mark Cronin. He's got a couple of movies in the works but said that they're kind of dopey movies. Verne talked a little more about ''The Surreal Life'' and how he really hated it in the beginning. He was ready to pick a fight with Chyna Doll (Joanie Laurer) but by the end of it he'd had fun. Howard wanted to know if he nailed Da Brat on that show. Verne said he didn't so Howard wondered if he's ever had a black chick. Verne eventually said that he has done a black chick before. A short woman called in and asked Verne what his favorite sexual position was. Verne said that any position is good. Howard figured it would be doggy style. Verne said he likes having the woman on top. The delay was hit multiple times when Artie said some stuff and when Verne was talking about his sex positions.
Verne told Howard that he went to college for a while but it was just a community college. He didn't graduate. Verne shared some stories about jobs he's had in the past. He worked for the phone company and wrapped candy among a couple of other things. Howard gave Verne and Mark a plug for ''The Surreal Life'' which starts it's new season this Sunday night at 9pm on VH1. Howard said that he gave Mark his start in the business and now he's producing a bunch of shows including Dodgeball on GSN. The previous season of The Surreal Life is also available on DVD as well so Howard gave Mark a plug for that before going to commercial break.
Hank The Drunken Dwarf Comes In. 8/15/97. 6:50am
Remember Hank? He's the dwarf who came in and got dressed up in a Superman outfit last year. He went out on a date with a woman and wore the Superman outfit on a carriage ride around Central Park. Today he came in so Howard could put him in a box out on the street. Before they got to that Howard talked to a 15 year old kid who got laid by his 25 year old math tutor. Then another dwarf called in to yell at Hank and tell him that he's giving dwarfs a bad name. Hank cursed and yelled at the guy. He may be the first person to say ''asshole'' more than once without having the delay button hit. Around 8:05 this morning Hank was in a steamer trunk yelling at people to get him out of the trunk. They did this with the late Doug Bady a couple of years ago. Hank tried it for a little while but he said he's claustrophobic so he had to get out. A bunch of people walked right by the trunk and looked at it when Hank yelled. No one helped. That was it for Hank. He ruined the bit so Howard didn't have him back into the studio for the rest of the day.
In the clip we heard Howard complaining about the set up of his studio. He told Gary to bring in the midgets they had waiting to come in. Howard said that the three guys he had in there wouldn't add up to his height if he stacked them all together.
Howard was calling the guys midgets but they weren't happy about that. They told Howard that they're ''little people'' and they don't like that M-word. Howard said he didn't know it was a negative thing.
Howard said that he used to go to work at his channel 9 show and if the bits weren't working, he'd just tell the guys to throw in some midgets and it would fix the bit.
The guys were telling Howard that the M-word is like the N-word to black people. Howard said he wasn't aware of that.
Howard said that one of the guys has a really big head. Howard said Michael almost looks like a regular guy but he's tiny. This other guy had a tiny little body with a big head. His name was Christopher. Howard said that he's like Sven Shrimpstein. Howard said that Marty is a midget though. Marty said he's not one and gave Howard the medical term for his condition. They all had different descriptions for their conditions so they went over that with Howard.
Howard said that Marty is able to get regular sized women. One of the guys said he's not sure how he does that. Howard asked Marty how tall he is. Marty said he's 4'1'' tall. Howard didn't believe it and said that the Jackie Puppet is taller than that. Howard had them compare sizes and Marty was taller.
Howard talked to the guys about dating regular sized people. One guy said that he had a little person screw him over when she cheated on him. He was describing her as being really good looking but Marty said that she wasn't that great and he wouldn't do her even with Jackie's thing.
Howard said that Marty is a good looking guy and he wanted to meet the girl he was there with. Howard said he heard that she's really good looking. The guys brought in the girl and Howard said that she's a tall beauty. She's 5'11'' tall. Howard had her have Marty sit on her lap during the interview.
Howard asked the woman how long she had been dating him. She said that it had been since Halloween. Howard said she was about 5'11'' and maybe 130 pounds. She said that's about right.
Howard asked the woman what it was about Marty that turned her on. She said that it was a little bit of both his looks and a mind thing. She said that Marty is really good in the sack too. Howard said that he has hot dog-like fingers so he asked her how they do it. They talked about how long it took before they had sex and that was only about a week.
Howard told Marty that he could never even get a woman who was 5'11'' tall. Marty said he had a 6 foot red head once. Marty said he's not interested in little people himself. He likes the regular sized women.
Marty was saying that they do look like a mom and son walking around. Howard asked the woman about their first time doing it. They actually did something on a train. They had gone out dancing first and on the train ride home they messed around. Marty's girl said that Marty is a good dancer. Howard said it must be kind of awkward but the woman said that it wasn't for her.
Gary said that Marty's feet are like a foot and a half off the ground while he's on her lap. Howard asked Marty and this girl what they did on the train on their way home. Marty said it was like 3 in the morning and no one else was on the train. Marty got between her legs and he just kind of had her sit back and he started to kiss her. Marty demonstrated what that looked like. Howard said that was a real man right there and it did appear to be love. Gary said he has to get E! so he can see that on video.
Howard found out that Marty pulled down the girl's panties and then took off his pants and did her right there on the train. Robin asked if his equipment looks the same as a normal dude's. She said it did.
Howard asked what Marty's girl's name was. Her name was Linda. Linda talked about how she has told her friends about Marty and she has introduced him to a few people. Howard told Marty that he's doing good.
Howard asked Linda if Marty will stand on their wedding cake if they get married. Marty said that was a good joke. Linda didn't answer.
Howard had to take a break but he wanted to meet Michael's girlfriend too. They spent a few more minutes talking before Howard had to take that break.
After an edited out break Howard came back and had Linda stand up next to Marty to see what they looked like. Howard asked Christopher if he's had a woman that tall. He said he had but not that particular woman. He said he prefers shorter women though.
Howard had the guys bring in Michael's girl, Joanne, next. Howard sounded shocked at how good looking she was when she came in. Howard asked if she was a model. Joanne said that she's actually a dancer. Howard asked if they had sex yet. They didn't say anything but then Joanne asked if she had to go into details. Joanne said that Michael was much more romantic than Marty and it wasn't just a week before they did it.
Howard had Michael and Joanne kiss to see what that looked like. They did that and Howard said he may have been born too tall.
Howard asked Joanne if her family knows she's dating this short person. She said she hadn't told them yet. Howard said he thought these guys had sad lives but they seem to be doing just fine.
Robin asked Marty if he had a problem with girls in high school. Marty said he had a full sized girl that he dated for a few years in high school so he did fine.
Howard got fed up and threatened to throw all of the midgets out of the studio. Howard said he couldn't take it anymore.
Howard said he's happy for the guys since they are doing so well. Gary came in and told Howard that Ginger Lynn was there so they had to get her in there. Howard said he would kick the guys out of there then. Howard let them go a short time later.
In the clip we heard Howard talking to Stuttering John about interviewing Gary Coleman at some event he had gone to. Howard spent a short time talking to John about how tall Gary was in person. John said that he was smaller than he thought he was going to be.
Howard said John had 11 really bad questions but Gary handled every one of them. John said that he was at a party for Michael Musto when he met Gary.
Howard played the audio of John asking Gary questions like...
They transitioned from that segment into an interview Howard did with Gary on the phone in January of 2001. Here's what they played next:
Gary Coleman Calls In To Talk About Razor Scooters. 1/4/01. 8:10am
Actor Gary Coleman called in this morning to talk about banning these Razor Scooters from the streets of New York City. Howard found out that it's really not Gary who wants to do this, it's the web site he works for UGO.com. Howard tried asking Gary about his days on the TV show ''Diff'rent Strokes'' but Gary says he doesn't talk about that anymore. He's done with that part of his life. He's also given up on trying to get money from his parents who allegedly stole all of his money. Howard then concentrated on Gary's sex life or lack thereof. Gary has never experienced an orgasm but he says he's not gay and he likes women. Howard asked him if he's ever even tried giving oral to a woman and he said no. He's kind of germ phobic and has no desire to go down there.
Howard took some phone calls from people and they all wanted to know if he's gay or something. It sounds that way when he talks about how dirty a woman's private parts are but he swears he's not.
Big Black called in with tape of Gary talking dirty to women from his web site. Gary said that was scripted so it's not really how he talks to women. Howard thought it sounded pretty good though.
You can find out why Gary and UGO.com are on a mission against Razor Scooters by visiting UGO.com
After the Gary Coleman segment we heard a prank call the guys made to Eric the Midget where they posed as Diana DeGarmo's agent.
Beetlejuice Accepts Howard's AVN Award. 1/10/00. 7:35am
Adult Video News decided to give Howard a lifetime achievement award this year at their AVN awards show. Howard didn't want to go to the event so he sent Beetlejuice out to Las Vegas to accept for him. He played the tape this morning and said that Beetlejuice was wearing a headset so they could feed him some lines. This guy Paul Fishbine introduced Beetlejuice and the little dwarf got up on stage and yelled out some unintelligible lines. Some of the things he said were understandable but not many. He said that he loves Howard Stern, he's a great man. He also asked the audience what they were staring at. He also started to say something about ''I have a dream'' but didn't get far in that one. At one point they tried to kick him off the stage but he wouldn't leave. They had to kick him off after he said something about the ''whores and bitches'' in the audience.
Beetlejuice Comes In. 1/11/00. 7:50am
The tiny-headed dwarf known as Beetlejuice came in this morning so Howard could finish playing the tape he started playing yesterday. Beetlejuice was sent out to Las Vegas to accept an Adult Video News award on behalf of Howard. Beetlejuice came in dressed in a robe, bunny slippers and a cigar. He was also sporting a Dennis Rodman-like hairdo with his hair bleached blonde. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Beetle, or trying to talk to him anyway. He played the tape that he played yesterday then played some of the back stage tape where Mike Gange and Doug Goodstein were feeding Beetle some of his lines. They had an earpiece in Beetle's ear so they could tell him what to say. He'd start to say what they told him to but he would change it all around each time. After playing the tapes Howard was going to wrap things up but there were some stories to tell about his trip out to Vegas. Beetle almost caused a major incident when he lit up a cigarette on the flight from Las Vegas. The flight attendant told him to put it out and he just told her to leave him alone. He also called her a bitch and an asshole. Beetle's manager Sean spoke up and told the flight crew that Beetle can't read so he didn't know he couldn't smoke. They almost had to land the plane and have him arrested. We also learned that Beetle is 31 years old and has a daughter but when Howard asked him how old she is he said ''75''. Doug said she was 34 when he asked the other day. Mike and Doug also said that Beetle was yelling at some fans who drove by as they were shooting some footage on the Las Vegas Strip. They heckled him a little and he went off on them. He doesn't take any crap from anyone. You can find out more or book Beetlejuice through JollyDwarf.com
In the clip we heard Howard taking his first call from Doug Bady. Howard said that Gary had met Doug before and he's a very small guy. Doug told Howard that he was featured on some Sam Kinison tapes and he is out there. Howard said that Doug gets invited to Playboy parties and things like that. Howard said he can't even get invited to that kind of stuff himself.
Howard asked Doug how he gets into those parties. Doug didn't want to give up his secrets but he said that they're not that hard to get into.
Doug talked about how he speaks out against Jerry Lewis when he appears with Sam Kinison at this gigs. Doug thinks that they should give the money to the people with Muscular Dystrophy. He said they've been collecting money for all these years and he hasn't seen ''dime one'' from it.
Howard asked Doug about hanging out with Sam Kinison and if he's seen him lately. Doug said he had seen him just recently.
Howard asked Doug about going to a Muscular Dystrophy fund raiser and he met Jerry Lewis there. Doug was having problems hearing Robin so Howard had to repeat whatever she said to him. Howard was trying to figure out if he could fix it so he could hear Robin but he gave up on that. Scott the Engineer came in and tried to fix it but it wasn't much better for Doug.
Howard asked Doug about going to this fund raiser and meeting Jerry Lewis. Doug said that Jerry came up to him while he was out in a hallway. He said he had seen Jerry before and met him then. He said Jerry came up to him, grabbed him by the shirt and shook him. He said he couldn't repeat what Jerry said to him on the radio. He said that Jerry ripped his shirt that was given to him by the MDA people. He said Jerry told him what he was doing was wrong and Doug tried to tell him it was just comedy. He also told him that he has the right to say that stuff if he wants.
Howard said Doug was just trying to tell Jerry that the money they were collecting should go out to the people who are suffering from it since they can't come up with a cure. Howard said he didn't think that there was that many people with Muscular Dystrophy out there. Doug said it's not as big as cancer.
Doug said he thinks that Howard should be the host of the telethon. He said that he's not like Jerry who is a smarmy jerk to him.
Howard said that Doug is a midget but Doug told him that he's really not. That's not the medical thing he's suffering from. Howard said he's still a midget though.
Doug kept saying that he hasn't seen ''dime one'' from MDA. He said that they haven't offered him a damn thing. Doug said that Sam Kinison has helped him. Doug's family has helped him too but MDA hasn't helped him at all. He said he hasn't been able to get anything out of them. He said it's like he doesn't even exist.
Doug told Howard about Jerry shaking him up at the MDA event he was at so Howard asked if he fought back. Doug said he's weak and he can't fight back.
Howard asked Doug if there were any people who saw that happen. Doug said there were a couple and one of them was from the National Enquirer. He said that's where the article came from.
Howard wrapped up with Doug a short time later. He told him that he'd like to fly him in to do his TV show. Howard let him go after that. After letting Doug go Howard read the article that he had about the incident Doug and Jerry were involved in.
We heard one of Sal's song parodies about Eric ''Flying with Balloons'' after that segment.
Porn Actress & Dwarf Bridget Powers Comes In. 8/16/99. 7:50am
3'10'' tall, 78 pound porn actress Bridget Powers came in to talk to Howard this morning. She came in to promote her movies, which include ''Mighty Midget'' and ''Midget P.I.'' among others. She's only 19 years old and has only been in the business since April. She told Howard that she just started having sex when she was 18 years old so she hasn't had many guys. She said she got into the business after some woman saw her dancing at a Gothic dance club somewhere. The woman gave her a number to call if she wanted to do some gothic porn. She figured she didn't have anything to lose so she went for it. She didn't tell her mother about if for a couple of months but now she knows and is okay with it. Howard saw one of her movies and there were 5 guys banging her. She said that none of them used condoms but she knows the risks and all of the guys were tested before filming. She showed Howard some of her body but didn't get naked for him. She also said she's not easy when it comes to sex with guys. She said she has to get to know a guy before she'll sleep with him. Howard took a couple of calls while she was there and one guy wanted someone to measure her next to the Gary puppet in the studio. Jackie went ahead and did it. Bridget was just about a head over the puppet. After Howard saw how odd Jackie looked standing next to Bridget he decided to try it himself. He went over to her and said all he could see was the top of her head. Howard and Jackie both said that she was really hot looking for a dwarf.
Emmanuel Lewis, Hammer And Lord Of The Anal Ring Toss. 1/9/03. 7:35am
Emmanuel Lewis and MC Hammer came in to promote the new WB TV show ''The Surreal Life'' which airs tonight. Howard said Emmanuel is 31 years old and he's still the tiny guy he was when he was on ''Webster.'' Howard spoke to Hammer first and asked him about the financial troubles he went through years ago. Hammer claims that he's always had money though. Howard moved on to talk to Emmanuel for a minute. He's never met him before. Howard said he still has the child like appearance he did years ago. Howard asked him how tall he is but he didn't answer. He just asked Howard how tall he is. Howard tried to talk to Emmanuel about how hard his life must be but he said ''what hard life?'' Hammer kept interrupting Howard and tried to convince Howard his life was fine. Howard asked Emmanuel if it was ever his dream to grow. Emmanuel said his dream was to just be happy. He claims that he can get laid just fine and it doesn't seem to bother him that he's small. Emmanuel said he is appearing in a movie and he owns a record label that just got started. Howard asked him if he has trouble with people taking him seriously because he's so small. Emmanuel said he really doesn't have trouble with that. Howard also brought up how Michael Jackson used to carry Emmanuel around like a baby when they used to hang out. Howard asked him if he thought Michael was in love with him. Hammer thought that was pretty funny. Emmanuel said Michael was a friend of his family and he used to hang around with the whole family, not just him. Howard asked if it was true that Michael used to bathe him. Emmanuel asked Howard if he was crazy after hearing that. He asked Howard if he and Robin ever do anything. Howard wouldn't get off the Michael Jackson thing though. He asked him if he ever came on to him or fondled him. Emmanuel said nothing like that ever happened. He was also ready to go over and kick Howard's ass. He said he don't play that from where he's from. Howard moved on to ask Emmanuel how old he was when he first got laid. He said ''gentlemen shall never tell'' and wouldn't talk about that.
Howard gave the guys a plug for this new show ''The Surreal Life'' and asked them about that. Emmanuel told Howard it's about 7 celebrities who stay in a house together. Emmanuel said they wouldn't talk about whether or not they fought on the show or not. Hammer said he's happy with the way the show came out. They said there's no grand prize or anything, they just hang out and comment on daily happenings. Gary came in and asked the guys if he'd be out of line asking how much money they made doing this show. They weren't talking about that though. Howard asked Emmanuel if he is a millionaire from ''Webster'' or not. He said he did very well with that show but he wasn't giving dollar amounts. Gary asked him if he has to work or not. He said it's in his blood to work so he keeps working.
Yesterday we had our first Lord of the Anal Ring Toss experience. Howard brought the girls back to play the game again with Emmanuel and Hammer. Hammer saw the guys putting the towel down on the carpet and said he wouldn't be into anything funky like that. Howard told the guys what was going to happen and wanted to make sure it was okay with them. He told them that Ally (ChesterMolestHer.com) would be sticking a ring toss pole in her ass and they'd be tossing the rings on the pole. Hammer didn't want any part of it though. Howard wanted them to play so he said he'd go first. Hammer said he'd play if Howard plays. Emmanuel said he'd go after Hammer because he knew it would never happen. While they were talking about this Ally and her partner Cat were making out. They got undressed shortly after that. Howard spoke to Ally for a short time and said she was going to build the anal ring toss stand. Ally got on the floor while Cat lubed her up and stuck the pole in her ass. Artie got up, since he was Lord of the Anal Ring Toss game from yesterday, and tossed his rings. Artie got all three of his rings on. Howard asked Hammer to go next but he didn't want to play. Artie said something about Willie Tyler and Lester not wanting to play. Gary came in and said that there's some nudity on the show they're on and they both leave the room so it's obvious they don't want any part of this stuff. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
After that segment we heard Sal's song parody ''I Just Want To Fly (Like a Midget in the Sky).''
Stuttering John Celebrity Interviews. 12/8/99. 9:25am
Before playing Butt Bongo Howard had some tape of Stuttering John out at the movie premiere of ''Man on the Moon.'' Howard played John's interview with Courtney Love and Danny Devito. Courtney recognized John from the show and all she could talk about was how she's looking for a female bass player for her band. John would throw in a question here and there and she'd give him a quick answer then complain that she can't find a bass player. John asked her things like:
John also interviewed Danny Devito. Danny happily answered John's questions which included:
David Spade comes in. 2-12-96. David Spade from Saturday Night Live came in this morning to plug his movie Black Sheep that's in theaters now. Howard met David a couple of months ago in a secret meeting with Lorne Michaels(SNL Creator) in which Howard gave his ideas for a bit that he was going to do on SNL. Saturday Night Live sucks so much though that they didn't want to do the spontaneous bit that Howard came up with...so Howard did it on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Lesbians lesbians lesbians...Howards motto. Howard didn't say anything about doing SNL anytime in the near future since he's not plugging his book anymore. Maybe when the movie is done he'll do it. But until then, suffer through SNL.
Goofing On Rosie O'Donnell And Eric The Midget. 9/19/02. 7:55am
Howard spent a few minutes goofing on Rosie O'Donnell after listening to some clips of her press conference from yesterday.
Howard also talked a little bit about the Latin Grammys for a short time before taking some phone calls. One of the phone calls he took was from this guy Eric who was defending Kelly Clarkson from ''American Idol'' who Howard said wasn't all that attractive or something like that. Eric, a 3'5'' tall disabled dude, told Howard that he thinks she's pretty hot. Howard spoke to the guy for a couple of minutes and could tell there was something up with the guy. That's when he found out he's only 3'5'' tall. He spent a little while longer talking to him about Kelly and told him he should try to go after someone more realistic because there's not much chance that he'll get a Kelly Clarkson. Howard asked him about who he spanks his monkey to and eventually had to get off the phone because it was too depressing to talk to him.
Howard played some new clips from ''The Onion Radio News'' and a new ''Mr. Skin Minute.'' In the Mr. Skin Minute the guy from MrSkin.com tells us about the latest skin moments in new movies and new DVD releases. He said that Goldie Hahn shows a nip-slip in her new movie with Susan Sarandon. In the new movie ''Secretary'' there's some skin from some chick by the name of Maggie something. Mr. Skin also said that there's some skin shown in the movie ''40 Days and 40 Nights.'' He also said that the ''Janet Jackson Live in Hawaii'' DVD is a must see because she runs nude into a water fall.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was ripped off by some stripper. Howard talked to him about that for a short time and then took a call from High Pitch Erik. Erik wanted to get Jimmy Kimmel's phone number so he can call him about getting on ''Crank Yankers'' the phony phone call/puppet show. Howard said Erik is on to something with the prank calls he's been making lately but he's got to work on them a bit. He said some of the calls he's made are pretty funny. In the latest call Erik calls a hardware store and says that he has a metal ring around his nuts that's making his voice so high pitched. He asks the guy for clippers that can cut it off and demands that he bring it over to his house. The guy starts laughing at him so Erik yells at him in his Mickey Mouse sounding voice. After Howard played the call Erik told him that Sal the Stockbroker is the mastermind behind the calls. Howard said he figured that Erik couldn't come up with something like that himself.
Eric gave us a ''Goodbye for now'' and ended the special around 11:25am. The Stern Show returns live tomorrow.
Howard and the guys are back live this morning. Howard started the show talking about the big weekend they all had. Robin went to the US Open over the weekend so she quickly mentioned that. Artie said it must be cool to see live. Robin said it was great.
Howard said he did nothing all weekend with Beth. He said those are his favorite weekends though. Robin said she didn't do anything on Sunday and Monday. She said she was at tennis on Friday and Saturday.
Howard played the voice mail where Jeff says that he fucked up and he was wondering why he had extra money all month. He had been buying bags of weed and having a grand ol' time and thought he had more money than usual. He forgot to pay his power bill and cable bills so that's why he had the money. Jeff said he knows he's an asshole and asked Gary to help him out.
Howard said that got him angry because Jeff gets public assistance and he's got all day to think about paying those bills. He figures that Jeff just wanted to have fun so he blew that money on weed instead. Howard said that drives him nuts. He said he gets to sit around all day and tax payers are paying for that.
Howard said you'd think that Jeff would appreciate that he gets to sit home and do nothing thanks to public assistance.
Howard said Wendy the Retard called up and left a message too. She must have been watching Sesame Street before she called so he got a laugh out of her call. He said he thought about how her mother has to put up with her all the time though. Howard said he wouldn't be able to handle it. He'd have to tell Wendy that he was going to have to give her away.
Howard played Wendy's voice mail where she's doing a Miss Piggy impression. Howard said Wendy is never going to grow up and her mother is stuck with her. Howard said her impression wasn't even good. Robin couldn't even tell she was doing that Miss Piggy impression.
Howard said that if the story went somewhere maybe he could listen to her. He said she had nothing to say though so he had to turn it off. Howard let it play for a minute and she just says ''hello Kermie'' over and over again.
Howard said Wendy's mother is a saint. He said that she has to be a tough broad because he's not sure if there's a father involved and she never gave up on Wendy.
Howard said that you shouldn't play Russian Roulette and have kids. He said that you could end up with a perpetual baby.
Howard said that the guy met this woman when he was like 15 and on his death bed he said his only regret was that he didn't marry her. They had 5 kids together and Beth's father was one of them. Howard said that Beth's father went on to become a doctor.
Howard said he was thinking about this woman and she never complained about anything. She was just a strong human being. Howard said he could never be half the man she was and she was a woman. Howard said Grandma Sweet Pea was a very religious woman and she raised 5 sons who were very successful. He said she did all of that and then she died.
Howard said that Beth loved this grandmother and she was the sweetest person. Howard said that the woman was at home and she started to feel sick. One of her sons was with her and she started to throw up. She knew something was wrong and she told the son that. She went into her room and wrote something down on a piece of paper and put it in her drawer. She died in the home not long after that. It turned out to be a heart thing.
The note she wrote was a note to Beth and it was a note about her wanting Beth to take her wedding ring that she had never taken off.
Howard said that Beth started to cry when she heard about this. He said that Beth was crying on the floor and their dog, Bianca, came over and tried to comfort her but ended up farting right next to her with her ass in her face. He said that was the end of the crying for Beth.
Artie said that maybe that was the grandfather sending her a message. Howard said maybe that's what it was since he left school after the farting incident.
Howard said that Beth is going home to visit the family. Howard said he's busy with this bullshit so he won't be going with her. Artie, as Jeff the Drunk, told Howard that he should go and just blow off work.
Howard said his friend told him that the Wolfman Jack show was the worst thing on the air. Howard said back then they had Wolfman Jack on the station and he would record like 9 million bits of his voice just saying various things. He said they would take those recordings and create a whole show out of them. Howard said they would trick the listeners into thinking that it was live. They'd take calls and hit buttons to make it sound like he was live. He said it was an insane amount of work and it never sounded right.
Gary said they had one clip of him saying it was ''just a little bit on this side of the hour'' but he wouldn't say what hour it was. Howard said the picture was taken when Wolfman Jack was in town to record some of that stuff. Howard said the guy looked like a Gay Zorro even though he wasn't gay.
Howard had the picture up on the monitors in the studio and showed the guys what he was talking about. Howard said Imus looks retarded in the picture.
Howard said that back then at WNBC they knew about this guy Mr. Ponte who would dress people. They got the guy to take them out shopping to find something decent for him to wear. Howard said that Dr. Ponte told him he was a ''dark prince'' and found him a suit to wear. Howard said that was okay but then he had him buy some every day clothes. He picked out some beach clothes for him. He had white sailor pants and a white shirt and tied it up to show off his stomach like Ellie May. Howard said the guy told him he looked darling when he put that on.
Howard said Dr. Ponte picked out a mustard yellow suede jacket and black suede pants for him to wear. They ended up getting fired from WNBC so he had to get the word out that they were going to be doing some live shows for the fans. He ended up going on the Bill Boggs show and he had to pick from one of the three outfits that Mr. Ponte had picked out for him. He said that the idea of wearing a suit didn't make sense so he chose to wear the black suede jacket and pants.
Howard said he was in the green room waiting to go on wearing that outfit. He said he figured Mr. Ponte knew what he was talking about and figured he looked fine. Shirley Hemphill was the other guest on that show and she was waiting to go on in the green room with him. Howard said she walked up to him and laughed. She asked who he was and he told her who he was. She was a big fatso but she told him that the people in her neighborhood would beat the living piss out of him if they saw him in that. Howard said this was coming from a fatso who was dressed in clothes that looked like maternity clothes.
Howard said he asked himself why he listened to Mr. Ponte. He said that the guy wasn't good at picking out clothes for men. He was fine picking them out for women though. Howard said he doesn't know what he was thinking. He said he couldn't live on just three outfits.
Howard said he admires guys like Rob Zombie who find a look and stick with it. He said Rob has one look that looks cool and he sticks to that every day. Howard said if you ever see that Bill Boggs interview you'll laugh your ass off when you see that outfit.
Artie asked what Mr. Ponte cost him. Howard said he thinks it was like $500 a day or something like that. He didn't even have that much money to spend on something like that back then. Howard said that Mr. Ponte picked stuff out for him that looked like pajamas. He said the guy told him he looked like a dark prince and figured the guy looked at him like he wanted to tie him up or something.
Howard said Mr. Ponte was good with Robin's clothes. Howard said he seemed to be trying to dress him like a woman too. Howard wondered where Mr. Ponte is now. He said he'd like to know what he's up to now. Howard said it was probably 30 years ago when they met him and he's probably in his 80s now. Howard said the guy might be down in Palm Beach eating a Klondike bar or something.
Benjy tried to look Mr. Ponte up but his computer locked up. Howard wasn't sure what ''locked up meant'' so Benjy said that he wasn't able to get into the computer. Fred looked him up but wasn't able to find anything.
Gary found some information but it wasn't much. It was just a woman saying that she had studied under Robert Ponte who was an international image consultant.
Howard said this whole thing has backfired because schools are not allowing him to speak to the kids. Howard said that President Bush read right through 9/11 and spoke to kids all the time. Howard said that man was inarticulate. He said that Bush was privileged and had a father who helped him get into the schools he got into and all of that but he was allowed to speak to the kids.
Howard said that Obama wasn't going to go in and talk about communism or anything. Gary said that some people thought that he was going to try and further his agenda on health care. Howard asked ''so what?'' He didn't understand why they would keep the guy from going in there because he's just trying to give a positive message to the kids.
Robin said that some schools were going to allow the kids to opt out of hearing him speak. Robin said that's making it seem like whatever Obama says is going to go right into their heads and change them.
Gary said he got a message from his kid's school and they were calling all of the parents letting them know what was going on. He said he didn't know there was any controversy at the time. He said that they're going to record the speech and play it at a later date or decide if they're going to show it at a later date.
Howard said that this is the President of the United States who was elected by the people of this country. Howard said that he won by 7 percent and that's huge. He said he doesn't understand what the problem is.
Howard said he thinks that the reason for this is because he's black. Howard said that if Bill Clinton was giving a speech, there would be no controversy. Howard said he thinks that people are racist and that's what's behind all of the controversy.
Howard was talking about the American Revolution and ended up talking about the French. That brought up Robin's trip to France when she wasn't able to find vegetables. Howard said he has email to read later about that. He said they got a lot of mail about that and they'll go over it later. Robin said that was just her experience over there. She doesn't care what people have to say.
Howard got back to Obama and said that he'd like his kids to hear Obama's speech and kids have to learn to respect the Presidency. He said that this is one of the biggest shames he's seen in his lifetime with this banning of the speech in school.
Howard said they're treating Obama like the enemy and he's not sure why that is. He said that it's going to look bad to the rest of the world. Howard said they're going to look like maniacs. Robin said that they do have to respect the presidency and it doesn't make sense to her either.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is not a racist issue and it's the blacks who are making it a racist issue. Howard said that's not true. The caller said that he works in a black neighborhood and the people there were saying that they were registering to vote for the first time when Obama was going to run. Howard said that it's not just black people who elected this guy though. He said that white people were voting for him too.
Howard said that the President just wants to address the kids and it's crazy that the schools are banning it or making calls to people like Gary telling him that it's very controversial.
The caller said that he thinks that it should be up to him if he wants his kids to hear this speech. Howard told the guy he's nuts.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he doesn't think that they're out of line with this whole thing. He said that the speech isn't necessarily going to be about staying in school. Howard asked the guy what the guy is going to tell the kids that's going to be bad. He said that he's not trying to turn them communist or anything like that. Howard said the guy is the President. He hung up on that caller when he got fed up arguing with the guy.
Howard said that this is a racial issue and it's pure racism. He said that everyone can take that or leave it. Robin said that Howard is going to get a lot of letters about this just like she did about the vegetables in France.
Howard did his, er-ahh, Ted Kennedy impression talking about where he wanted the money to go. He wanted the money to stay in the family somehow. He said he'd like to keep it there to be used in any future rape cases in the family. Howard, as Ted, said he thinks that the Kennedy dynasty is over with now. He stuck with the impression for a few minutes talking about the money thing and about the family.
Artie did his Kennedy impression a little bit. Fred added to the conversation as well. Howard got out of it a short time later and said they really don't know what's going to happen to that 4.5 million. He was out of the impression for about 30 seconds before he got right back into it. He was answering questions that Robin was throwing out to him.
Howard goofed around with the impression for a few more minutes. Howard said that his family might miss him but Mary Jo Kopechne's family doesn't. Robin asked if he showed any remorse for the Mary Jo thing in his personal life. Ted joked around about that whole situation.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Obama speech and said that people are just out of hand with that whole thing. Howard said he's right about that. Howard said that the guy is our president and he's not going to do anything to your kids. He said that he's not Osama bin Laden.
Howard said that they're almost up to September 11th again and it's been 8 years that they've been trying to find that Osama bin Laden. Howard said he read an article that Richard Cohen wrote and he pointed out how ridiculous it is that we have to be over in Afghanistan but we owe it to the families of the people who died that day.
Howard said that there has to be some way to get a hold of this guy Osama. Howard said he's not sure what the hell they're doing. Howard said Jesse Ventura seems to know everything so maybe they have to get him to advise them on what to do. Howard said they need some Special Ops guys to go in there and get this guy. Artie did his impression of Jesse Ventura talking about what he used to do when he was a Navy Seal. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Lisa said she was sorry about Beth's grandmother. Howard thanked her for that. Lisa said that it was good that Beth got to know her as an adult. Howard told Lisa she looked different today. She had her hair blown out again.
Lisa said that a twitter page that is allegedly run by Elliot Spitzer's prostitute makes it appear that she knows about Howard talking about her and that she loves Howard Stern. Howard said he wasn't saying anything very nice about her last week. He said he has no problem with her being a prostitute, that's fine, but he doesn't want to see her talking about how all women are prostitutes. He said that they're not all like she was claiming in the press release she put out.
Howard said he thinks that Robin and Lisa could find a rich guy to suck off but they're not like that. Howard said his mother isn't a hooker and she was never looking for money like Ashley Dupree was saying they all do. Howard said that if you're Ashley Dupree and you want to be a whore, that's fine, but don't come down on all women.
Howard said that not all women sell their souls just to have money. They all want to be set in life but they're not all going to sell their souls like this Ashley was saying. Howard said that women can't just sit back and take that.
Lisa said that the Twitter posts are making it seem like Ashley wants to get on the show and get on the show soon. Howard said he'd love to have her on the show. Artie said he'd love to bang her. Howard went on talking about how wrong it was for that Ashley to say that all women are whores. He said that they're really not. He said he'd love to have her on the show to talk to her about that. He said he thinks that she's a pretty hot piece of ass too.
Lisa said she was also wearing lighter lipstick this morning. Artie said he noticed that. He didn't say anything earlier because he didn't want to seem creepy.
Lisa said that Mike Judge has outed himself as being a huge Howard Stern superfan. Howard said he's always been a fan. Lisa said she spoke to Mike and he's said that he's been listening to about 3 hours of the show and Howard's show inspired a sub plot in his new movie ''Extract'' which he's out promoting now.
Howard talked about Mike and the great ''Beavis and Butt-Head'' cartoons that he did for MTV. He said he understands why he had to go off and do another cartoon that he could get paid on.
Lisa said that Chuck Zito tried out for the chance to get on Celebrity Apprentice. He went out for an interview after Donald Trump told him to try out. Robin said she'd be afraid to compete against Chuck on that show. Lisa said that Chuck may also be in Rambo 5 and he had lunch with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger recently.
Howard played some audio of Jerry Lewis talking about Ed McMahon and what a great man he was. Jerry was telling a story about the things that Ed did for the telethon and how much they're going to miss him. Jerry said he hopes that Ed has his booze with him wherever he is. Then he introduced Jann Carl.
Howard said the guy seems so arrogant to him. Artie said that people seem to like watching people they hate more than the people they like.
Howard said he had a clip of Jerry freaking out on someone when he wasn't able to see the tote board. Howard played that clip where Jann Carl tells him to check out the tote. Jerry said that he would give anything to see the number but he wasn't able to see it. He went off on the advertiser that was on the board because they were apparently blocking his view.
Howard played another clip where Jerry started ranting during some credits they were running. Jerry was upset about the way they race through credits on TV shows but they take their time on the telethon. Jerry was thanking all of the cameramen, the producers and more.
Howard said Jerry is ultimately a douche and you just want to smack the guy and tell him to shut up. Howard said he thinks that this is Jerry's personality even when he's not doing the telethon. Howard let the clip play and Jerry was going on and on about the credits in movies and TV shows. He said that when you try to read them you think that everyone is Boris Karloff. Artie said that was a timely reference there.
Howard played a clip of Charro showing up on the telethon and trying to pull off the sexy look even at 60 something. Howard said that Jerry is trying to play it like she's still hot. Jerry was wondering what the guys were going to do with their erections. His co-host reminded him that it was a family show and Jerry didn't seem to care.
Howard played another one where Jerry was referring to Charro and saying that he had some ''Lorna Doons'' but the reference was another weird one that no one got. Howard said the guy is just a douche and that's why he doesn't like him.
Howard played a clip where Jerry was interrupted by the band after he had just told them that they were great. Jerry made them stop and told them that he wasn't done talking.
Howard said he had more clips but he wasn't sure if he should play them. Howard read the titles of some of the clips he had. JD came in and told Howard that it was all a mess. Howard played a clip where they were asking people to call and Jerry came back on but forgot his microphone. There was some chick yelling ''Mic, mic, mic!'' to Jerry.
Howard said that there was one clip where Jerry forgets the lyrics to ''God Bless America.'' Jerry was reading the song but forgot the lyrics. He asked why he didn't have the words so he could sing the song.
Howard saw that Jerry called his producer Eva Braun at one point. He played that clip where Jerry said that it was like working with Eva Braun. He even joked about her having a swastika on her arm.
Howard had a clip where Jerry had trouble starting a song. Jerry asked his conductor if he was ready and the producer had to yell something out to him.
Howard played a clip of Jann Carl getting emotional while talking about the kids. Howard said that they've been doing this forever and they still haven't found a cure for Muscular Dystrophy. Howard said he's ready to throw in the towel on this.
Howard had some audio of Jerry singing ''You'll Never Walk Alone'' and breaking down crying. He was going to play that but he had some audio of Ace Young from American Idol singing ''Come Together'' that he quickly played. Artie said that John Lennon is rolling in his grave after that performance.
Howard played the clip of Jerry getting emotional as he performed ''Walk On.'' He was directing the stage crew how to light the audience before the started the song though. Robin said you'd think that he was an old man who was annoyed by everything but he's been that way all his life. In the clip Jerry is talking his way through that song. Howard said that he's not sure why he made that song his song.
Howard asked when Jerry starts to cry. JD said it was coming up. Then Jerry sings another line and starts to break down.
Howard asked how much money they made. JD said it was somewhere around $58 million. They didn't beat their record of $60 million last year. JD said that Tony Orlando was on his knees begging for money during this year's telethon. JD watched the whole telethon to pull those clips. Artie said that's some job he's got there. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Jackie is going to announce that he's signed on with SIRIUS XM again. Howard heard that he was trying to negotiate with Tim Sabean but Tim told him that they can't negotiate.
Jackie was on the line and told Howard that there was no negotiation. He said he just wanted to own the show and that was it. He said that the show is invaluable to him.
Jackie said that it was a long time, no talk. He said he's done chasing him for dinner. Howard said he wants to have dinner with him. Jackie said he's not going to do the Charlie Brown and Lucy thing with the dinner plans.
Jackie told Howard that they're not going to take the Jackie Puppet from him. He said that they changed their minds about that.
Howard said that Billy West won't even come on his show and he's not sure what he did wrong. Howard said he likes Billy. Jackie said that he can't even negotiate with his ex-wife so he's not going to try that with Howard and Billy.
Howard asked Jackie if he's divorced yet. Jackie said that the paperwork is actually in the mail to him now. He asked Howard if he ever made that official. Howard said of course he did, his ex wanted to get married so she had to be divorced.
Jackie said that he has a beautiful girlfriend now and he can do as he wishes. Howard said he heard that the girlfriend moved into Jackie's house so that must have pushed things along.
Robin asked if Jackie and Nancy worked out their business entanglements. Jackie said that they did work that out and they were tossing them around like hot potatoes.
Gary said he heard that Jackie had his party this year and Nancy had a party like 100 feet away from Jackie. Jackie said they weren't having a competition. He said that some people went back and forth between the parties though. Jackie asked Gary who he heard that from. Gary said he doesn't know, he wasn't there himself.
Howard said Jackie's parties were the worst. He said you'd never get food right away, you'd always have to wait. Jackie told Howard he sucks. He asked how he can be such a crap to him. Robin backed Howard up on the parties kind of sucking. She agreed with him on the food thing.
Howard said that when the food did show up it was a bunch of clams in a garbage pail. Jackie said he was looking at some old tape recently and he saw a garbage can full of clams on the tape.
Howard said they had to crawl through the bushes to get to Jackie's house in years past. Robin said they used to throw lobsters in this big bath tub thing and Jackie had to ask if the guys knew where to get propane to heat them up.
Howard gave Jackie a plug for his show that airs Tuesday nights on Howard 101 at 7pm. Jackie asked Howard if he had fun at his parties. Howard said there were a couple of times they had fun. He said it wasn't worth all of the trouble though.
Howard gave Jackie some more plugs for his 140th show that's on tonight. They're calling it the ''Squirting Hunt.'' Jackie is also doing a show on Raw Dog that's 2 hours long. That show is on tomorrow night from 5-7. Jackie is also doing some other shows and one with Billy West that's a couple of months out.
Jackie said that Billy is a good guy and they decided not to take the Jackie puppet because he's afraid of losing it. Howard said you can find out more at Jokeland.com.
Howard wrapped up with Jackie and said he'll call him when Beth goes away. He said she's gone next week so he'll be calling sometime soon.
Howard said he noticed that Fred didn't even respond to Jackie today. Fred said the quicker he's off the phone the better. Howard said that Jackie is a good guy but he's also a big headache.
Howard said he predicted Jackie's divorce. Howard said he knew that they were done when Jackie didn't come back to the show. Howard said Jackie had these houses that he bought one after the other. He had like 5 and Nancy got to keep like 4 of them. Howard said that Jackie's life has been so full of stories that they could spend 4 hours talking about just one.
Howard talked about how he brought his wife to Jackie's party and had to have her crawl through bushes to get there. He said she was dressed nice and she had to crawl through a fence and through bushes in this nice outfit. Howard said he was worried about getting his car towed from the parking area where they were at. Jackie would tell him not to worry about it though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jackie had a party once where he wasn't able to kill the lobsters fast because he didn't have enough propane to boil them. He said the best quote was that ''Jackie had simmered the lobsters to death.''
Howard said that Jackie and Nancy were always keeping food out and things like potato salad would sit out all day long and then be served at night. Howard said his mother was always a stickler for refrigeration and even if he took the milk out she'd make him put it away as quickly as possible.
Howard and Robin shared some more stories about Jackie's parties and how bad they were. Howard said he would want to get out of there early but they'd end up sticking around for Jackie's band to perform and Stuttering John's band to perform.
Howard said that he never wanted to hear the lobsters crying as they were waiting to die. Howard said that Jackie made a lot of money and he didn't have to serve food in a garbage pail.
Howard said Jackie is a great guy to party with and he will go to dinner with him. Howard said he should have gotten rid of him from the show years ago. Robin used to beg him to do that but not because she didn't like him on the show. She didn't like the way he negotiated.
Howard said that Jackie would try to figure out what he made to figure out what kind of portion he should get. He said there was a lot of insanity going on back then. Howard wondered what he was doing. He said he loved Jackie but he was hard to get through to.
Bobo called in and told Howard the best thing was when Jackie's basement flooded and he had all of his jokes floating in his basement. Dominic Barbara went over to his house and saw his jokes hanging from a clothes line drying. Howard said Jackie saved all of his jokes to prove that he was the show. Howard said he was a great contributor but he saved every joke.
Howard asked Fred if he saves his jokes. Fred said that they're saved on tape when they do the show. He said that Jackie's jokes are on paper and without the set up, they're meaningless.
Howard said that Jackie never had to prove anything to anyone and he told him that. Howard said he heard that Benjy saves all of his jokes too. Benjy said he has about 80 crates of jokes and he knows how Jackie feels. Benjy said he has tried to put the jokes into his computer but they're not in context so they don't make sense.
Gary said that Stuttering John used to do that stuff too. He would write jokes on a scrap of paper and keep them. Gary said that John put all of the jokes in a bag and dumped them on Tom's desk one time to show the work he was doing.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer found the tape of John doing his audition for the Tonight Show. He was going to play that but Bobo told Howard how great the Howard TV Penthouse special was. Howard said they really did do a good job on that. That led to Bobo asking Howard if he ever did Amy Lynn. Howard said he never did but she really was into him back then.
Bobo was talking about some of the other things that were on the special. Howard said that Bobo should be pretending that he doesn't know the girl's names on the show. He said that would be cooler than knowing them by name like he did.
Bobo told all of the cheap fucks out there to subscribe to Howard TV. Howard said he didn't have to do that but he must be a big fan of Howard TV and wants to see it succeed.
Howard said that if he had to glue a wig to his head every day, like Bobo does, he'd worry that the chemicals were going right to his brain.
Gary came in and said that Scott told him the greatest story ever. He said that he had no idea that John was doing this for the Tonight Show. He said John told him that he was recording it for his agent to send to someone.
Fred did his impression of John doing his ''Pameler'' thing. He goofed on him a bit and laughed when Howard played some more of John's announcing.
Howard wondered what John was thinking when he announced Pam Anderson before Harrison Ford and Simon and Garfunkel.
Howard said he wants to meet the guy at the Tonight Show who heard the audition tape and thought that John would be good as an announcer.
Howard and Artie were goofing on John a little more but Howard said he had to take a break because Rodney King was there. He's going to be boxing a cop.
Howard played more of the John recording session and pointed out that John said ''Niggerless Cage'' for Nicolas Cage during that recoding session. John recorded a bunch of different versions of his announcing. He tried some low key stuff after yelling out one of the intros.
Howard said he had to go to break but he ended up talking about Rodney King again. He said he actually supported the cops that beat Rodney back then and he hopes he doesn't take offense when he tells him that. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had Rodney King and former police officer Simon Aouad come in. The two of them hadn't met before. Rodney was laughing when he saw this guy Simon because he was supposed to fight some other cop and this guy had shorter arms. Rodney had him reach his arm out like he was going to punch him and showed that he couldn't reach him very well.
Howard said that Rodney is know for being beaten by some cops many years ago. Howard said that Simon had to quit being a cop because he wasn't able to follow orders. Simon said he's a renegade and he does what he wants.
Howard asked Simon what the lock around his neck represented. Simon said that when it comes off that's when the renegade comes out.
Rodney said that he's waited 17 years for this. Howard said that Simon seems pretty tough. Simon said he does have some anger issues and he's a very angry man. He said when he was a police officer he did the best he could. He said they wanted him to follow a certain protocol but he wasn't able to do that and didn't like it. He said he actually got discharged.
Howard found out that Simon had come from West Africa and Rodney said that he's going to send him right back to West Africa. He laughed as he was saying that. Simon said they'll see when that lock comes off his neck.
Rodney said that he's 43 now and Simon said he's 31. There's that big age difference and Simon thinks that he's going to be able to win this fight no problem.
Howard said that this fight is going to be happening this Friday night at a Ramada Inn in Philadelphia. Howard said he hopes they don't get hurt. Simon said that Rodney is the one who has to worry about getting hurt.
Howard asked Rodney about the reach difference and if that's what's going to decide the fight. Rodney said it's going to be a professional fight and he thinks he'll have a good shot at it. He said he's been training and fighting with some amateurs and he's doing just fine. Rodney said he's going to give it all he's got. Simon didn't seem to think he was going to be able to do anything.
Rodney said that little guys have a lot of heart and he knows he's going to give it his best shot. Simon said that he has a training tape that's on the web and he said that he is going to demolish Rodney's body.
Simon said that he's a fuckin' animal and when that lock comes off of him he's going to break every bone in Rodney's body. Rodney laughed when he said that. He didn't seem threatened by the guy at all.
Howard brought up Rodney's beating and spent a minute going over that. Simon said that if he was there he would have beat up all of those cops. He said that's what Rodney should have done.
Howard asked Rodney about the beating and if this is like revenge for him. Rodney said that the revenge part is gone and the sport is there so that's what he's looking at this like. He said that this guy talking the way he is just shows he's in trouble. Rodney thinks that he can take this guy down. Simon said that he's going to hit Rodney so hard he's going to turn to dust.
Rodney was still laughing at Simon's comments. Simon told Howard he had a couple of free tickets for him to come down and watch. Howard isn't going to that fight.
Howard talked to Rodney about the beating and about the money he got in the settlement. He said that Rodney seems like a nice guy but he took some of that money and started a record company. Howard said that he should have invested it into something safe like E-bonds or something. Howard said he told Rodney that the last time he spoke to him and he went out and did it anyway.
Rodney said that the music business is shaky and he knows that. Simon sighed as he was talking about this stuff like he was annoyed with the conversation. Howard asked Rodney how many rounds this fight is going to last. Rodney said he wants to punish him so he's going to work his way around his body and then his face. He said that he should put plenty of Vaseline on his body for the fight. Simon said that Rodney had plenty of Vaseline that night he got beaten.
Simon told Howard to watch his training tape on YouTube (Funniest 'training' video ever) and he'll see how it's going to go.
Howard asked Simon if he's really angry at Rodney. Simon said he's getting angry just being next to him. He said that he's going to break every bone in his body that night. Howard asked if there is good money involved in this. Rodney said that there is money in it but the purse remains to be seen.
Howard asked Simon if he ever kicked the ass of any animals over in West Africa. Simon would just crack jokes about beating Rodney up when he was asked questions like that. Simon said that the fight will be available on GoFightLive.com when they do it on Friday night.
Howard asked Rodney about doing Celebrity Rehab and if he ever got in Amber's pants on there. Rodney said that they were great people there and he didn't get into anyone's pants. He also said that Dr. Drew was a great guy and helped him out a lot.
Howard asked Simon about some of the tattoos he had on him. Simon said he just wants to embarrass Rodney and he will do that by punching him in the kidneys and making him piss his pants. Artie said that they know that Rodney can take a beating because they saw it on tape when the cops beat him. Rodney got back up even while 5 cops were beating him.
Howard asked Rodney about his record company investment and what else he got into. Rodney said he got involved with a construction company too and that's working out. Simon kept sighing really loud during those discussions.
Howard read about Rodney shattering his pelvis back in 2004 as well. He said he's glad to see he's off the drugs and drinking and that he's engaged now. Rodney said that he's been with this woman for 5 years and things are going good right now.
Howard wished Rodney a lot of luck in the fight. He gave them some more plugs for the fight and asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said she's not sure about these amateur fights because they really don't know how to box. Robin said that the bigger guy may be able to take down the smaller guy.
Robin said that the good thing about the fights is that they turn into something like a street fight and that might be good. Rodney said he's been training for 3 months now. Simon said that he's been waiting all his life for this and 3 months is nothing. Simon kept talking about that chain coming off and making a big deal out of it. Rodney would laugh every time he brought that up.
Howard asked Rodney if he ever found any good performers for his record company. Rodney said that they had a guy called Pappose but he got killed in Las Vegas. He had another guy called Buzz and now that guy is doing side shows and still performing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Rodney if he pooped his pants while getting beaten up by the cops. Rodney said he didn't. He said that the cops were shocked that he didn't. Howard said he would have shit his pants. He said that Rodney is a tough guy and didn't shit his pants. He told Simon that he is a tough guy so he may have a tough fight. Simon said that didn't seem so amazing to him.
Another caller asked Rodney if he has been smoking crack or anything during training. Rodney said that the drugs are gone and he hasn't done that stuff in a long time now. He said he hated the PCP he was using and hated the crack too. Howard asked what his favorite drug was. Rodney said that it was the alcohol.
Howard said he remembers seeing Rodney puking during Celebrity Rehab and asked if he thinks that the abuse he did to his body is going to affect his fight. Rodney didn't think it would.
Howard asked Simon to get up and throw some punches. He demonstrated a couple so Howard asked Rodney to do the same. Rodney said he's going to keep this guy in a round space and he'll be gone. He didn't want to show what he had so he wasn't throwing big punches.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Simon if he was a crooked cop and if he took money and blow jobs from women. Simon said he never did that stuff. He said he just didn't fit in with the cops. Simon said that he passed a psychological profile. He said he was a people's cop and didn't follow the rules the way they wanted him to.
The caller also asked Rodney how much PCP was in his system the night he was beaten. Rodney said it was small. He said it didn't take much of that stuff. He didn't have an answer for the guy.
Another caller asked Simon what he did to get discharged from the cops. Simon wouldn't say exactly what it was though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Simon doesn't sound like an African. Simon said he was 11 when he moved here so he lost the accent. The caller asked him to translate something for him and recited the tape that Fred plays sometimes where the African guy says ''Ah buig li ari dah, ah ya gail mu, ah mugee bugalia.'' Simon said he has no idea what that is. Fred even played the tape for him but Simon didn't know what it was.
Howard said Rodney doesn't seem concerned with this guy at all. Simon said he fought a guy back in 2004 that was 6'4'' tall and 384 pounds and he took him down. He said that Rodney is going down too. Rodney still wasn't afraid and was just laughing all of this off.
The caller on the line was saying that he saw Simon's video on the web and he's a beast. Rodney was still laughing and saying that this is a joke. Simon said that Rodney isn't going to be getting up like he did in that beating video.
Howard took another call from a guy who said this Simon guy sounds like a pussy and a Chuck Zito wannabe. Simon told him to come down there and say that to his face. Simon said that he's going to fuck Rodney in the ring and he will even cum inside him. He said that he's so out of control no one knows what's going to happen.
Rodney didn't think that he was going to have a problem with this little man. Robin said she hasn't seen the training video but she thinks that anyone with boxing training can have an advantage but she thinks that Rodney has the height and weight on his side.
One caller asked Rodney about the tranny he picked up once. Rodney said he thought that she was a chick and had no idea that he was a dude. Rodney said that he had the cops chasing him that time too. He said the cops planted a rubber there to make it look like something was going on too. Simon got a laugh out of that story. He kept saying that it was a dude that he picked up. Rodney said that the cops planted this transvestite and it was all a set up.
Howard asked Simon if he ever planted a rubber on a guy like that. Simon said that's not something he'd ever do. Rodney said that he looks like a crooked cop to him and he's going to straighten him out. Simon said that's not going to happen and he's going to turn him to dust when he hits him.
Howard gave the guys some more plugs and said that Robin thinks that Rodney is going to take it. Fred said that it took 5 guys to subdue Rodney even though he was being tazered. Simon said that he doesn't have anything in his system this time and he will be feeling pain. Simon said he's going to beat his ass, plain and simple.
Artie said he has to go against the guy who never made out with a dude. That would be Simon. Artie said that he would find out exactly what was in Rodney's system at the time and do that again for this fight.
Howard watched some of Rodney's training video and explained some of the stuff he was doing in there. Rodney was laughing at the video and said that he's in trouble.
Simon was doing some strange things in the video and Rodney was laughing at him. Howard said he looked pretty tough to him. Simon said that video shows he has heart and that's what he heeds to beat this guy.
Howard asked Rodney what his fiancee thinks about this. Rodney said that she's fine with it. Howard said he'd like to ask her about it. She was there so Howard had Gary bring her in.
Howard said hello to Dawn and asked her what she thinks about this fight. She said she wants to beg her man not to hurt this other guy. Howard asked how Rodney is in bed. She said that Rodney is great and he keeps getting better.
Howard asked Dawn about what Simon said about fucking Rodney and impregnating him. She missed that part. Howard asked Simon if he will raise the child himself or be involved in the raising of the child. Simon said he will do the right thing and give child support to Rodney but he'll have to come and get it first.
Howard asked Dawn when she's going to get married. She said they don't have a date yet. They've been engaged for about 8 months now. Artie asked Rodney if he was sure that Dawn was a woman. They got some laughs out of that.
Howard asked Simon if he thinks that Rodney will be able to function as a man after the fight. Simon said that he won't once he breaks that pelvis again. Rodney said that bones heal stronger than before so that won't happen.
Howard asked Rodney if he had anything to say to Simon before the fight. Rodney told him to write a letter to his family because he may not be in the same frame of mind after the fight. He said he may have some long term effects.
Simon said he's just going to break Rodney's face. Howard wrapped up after giving the guys some more plugs for their upcoming fight. Simon said he hopes that Howard can make it. Howard said he'd love to be there. Howard said that Dawn seems to be shaking her head and seems to have had enough of this. She said that she's done with the drama. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and took a call. He told the guy he had $500 cash to give him courtesy of the TV show ''Sons of Anarchy.'' Howard told him he just had to spell his name ''Jose'' and he'd win. The guy did it and won. Artie said that he saw the show last season and the show is really good. Howard said it got a 4 star review in the paper.
Howard said he was going to play a homeless game but he was running out of time. The caller said that they should have a male beauty pageant with some gay guys as hosts. Howard said he will do that for him. Artie said he may call in sick that day. Howard put Jose on hold so he could get his prize.
Artie said he saw Rodney King out in the lobby and he was halfway through a Klondike bar. He said he was in training but he was eating a Klondike bar out there. Artie said it makes you appreciate Ali's talent when you see guys like that. He said he's very interested in seeing their fight though. Howard said he'll be watching it on Friday night.
Steve said that Mariann from Brooklyn is trying to get Jackie Mason to call into the show and Jackie told them that Mariann sounds like a Jewish man to him.
Howard asked Steve about Joey getting arrested and what Joey is saying. Steve said that Joey is saying that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Steve said Mariann was also trying to get Billy Crystal outside of Letterman but he wasn't paying attention to her.
Steve said that Imus is going to be on FOX Business starting next month. Howard said he can't believe that anyone can sit through that. Howard said he can't get rid of this guy and he plagues him through his whole career. He's going to be right next door at the building across the street. Howard said he can't believe they're going to put that asshole on TV.
Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on Imus and his dopey cowboy hat. Howard said he should dress up like an astronaut himself and go hang out with Imus. A caller said he saw Imus on some show being interviewed and his wife was wearing a cowboy hat just like he does. Howard said this makes him hate FOX. He said that you don't even know where Imus stands politically.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about how much he hated working with Imus and what an awful person he was. Howard had some audio of Imus on Sean Hannity's show talking about how they treat the kids at his cancer ranch. Imus talks about how they don't spoil the kids there and they make them work. Howard would play a few seconds, goof on Imus, play a few more seconds and goof on him some more.
Imus was talking about one kid they had at the ranch that wanted to go home and he put his hand on the kid's head like he was going to pet him. Imus said the kid looked at him like no one had ever done before. He was talking about how he was petting the kid and realized that wasn't the right word for what he was doing. Howard goofed on him some more about that before Jon Hein came in.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show and Howard said he got some complaints from someone the other day. He played the voice mail he got and the guy was going off on Jon about telling a joke about the last thing Howard says before he comes in. Jon went right on with his show preview after Howard played that clip. Jon
Robin read a story about Tila Tequila allegedly being choked by her boyfriend, Shawne Merriman. He claims that he was protecting her from herself because she was drunk. Tila is saying she's allergic to alcohol so she wasn't drunk.
Howard read some email about Robin's trip to France and how she claims she never found any veggies over there. One writer pointed out that the stuff they fry their food in over there was probably animal fat. Some other people told Robin that she's out of her mind about the veggie thing and that they have plenty over there and the stuff she was eating wasn't any good for her.
Howard had Lil' Mikey on the phone. He got in a plug for an appearance he's making this week and one next week. Robin wasn't able to make it to either of the appearances. Mikey said that he won't be doing the Robin songs unless someone requests them. Howard said that Mikey has done just about 90 percent of the Robin song parodies they play. He played one of his songs and then had Robin get back to her news.
Robin read a story about NFL player Richard Quinn being arrested on domestic violence charges. The woman claims that he shook her when she tried to call 911. He claims she hit him in the face but cops didn't see any evidence of that.
Robin had a story about Michael Jackson's glove being auctioned off for $49,000 in Australia. Howard said he wouldn't pay 2 cents for that. He said it's just a smelly glove. That led to Robin reading about Michael Jackson's burial plot and how prices around him have been going up since he was buried there. Howard said that's nuts too. He wondered why anyone would care who they were buried next to when they're dead.
Robin read some news about Derek Jeter. That led to them talking about his girlfriend and how hot she is.
Robin had a story about a 15 year old that shot himself in the penis accidentally and got arrested for reckless endangerment just like Plaxico Burress did when he shot himself in the thigh. Robin said that the bullet went straight through so he didn't lose his penis.
Robin read a story about how iPods and Amazon Kindles that are stolen probably won't be returned and the manufacturers won't give up the new owner's names or information. Robin said that sounds ridiculous to her. Howard said it sounds like they're trying to avoid doing paperwork. Robin said they're just hoping that people will buy more products.
Robin talked about the tennis matches that were on over the weekend and told Howard about how this young girl is upsetting a bunch of people who have been around for years.
Robin read a story about a man who got into trouble for kissing his 8 year old daughter in a swimming pool. Robin said that the guy was vacationing in Brazil and got into trouble for that. Howard said he'll never go there if he can't even kiss his daughter. He said that's a nice thing to do. Robin said that he could get up to 15 years in jail if convicted. She said that hotel workers have even said they didn't see any inappropriate behavior.
Robin read about how the people on American Idol are saying that they miss Paula Abdul. Howard didn't believe that. Robin read the article she had and said that Simon Cowell has said he misses his ''P'' there on the show. Howard and Artie were goofing on Paula.
Robin read a story about Oprah Winfrey taking over some streets in Chicago to kick off the new season of her show. They may close a bridge out there during the taping of the show.
Robin read some news about the controversy over the President's speech that he wanted to make to all kids in school.
Robin had a story about a man in Milwaukee that was arrested for killing two women 10 years apart. He may be linked to 9 other murders. Robin said that they were all African American prostitutes and they were all strangled.
Robin read a story about a man who has renounced his links to a white supremacist group after being convicted and sent to prison for some murders. Robin said that he has written that he's a much happier person now that he doesn't hate people.
Robin read that Sean Penn is back to dating already and has a girlfriend. He just called things off with his wife recently.
Robin read about a woman who was arrested for wearing white trousers in Sudan. She is going to jail for that.
Robin read about an auction that's going on where someone can win the chance to have dinner with Sarah Palin. Bidding starts at $25,000. The winner is responsible for all travel expenses and the money is going to a charity.
Robin read about President Obama having another press conference tomorrow about health care reform. She had some audio of him talking about some of that stuff.
Robin read about Doug E Fresh turning to Scientology after someone turned him onto it. He says that he's changed the way he thinks after going to some meetings. Howard said that's just as good a religion as any. He said that they seem to have some cool people in that religion though. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:45am.
Jon said Rodney seems like a nice guy. Gary said he did seem nice in there and on Celebrity Rehab. He said that Rodney seems like a good guy other than the 17 arrests he's had.
Jon asked Gary about the chain that Simon had around his neck. Gary said it was huge and he's not sure what he's up to. He said he's not sure what he was trying to do. Jon said he found him to be very entertaining when he used every boxing reference he could.
Jon asked Gary to explain what happened the time Rodney was on the show and Howard told him not to spend his million on a record company. Gary said he remembers talking to him about that and how they all thought it was a bad idea to invest in something like that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Rodney is going to get his ass beat and he shouldn't underestimate the little guys. He said that if he can get close enough to Rodney he might be able to pack a punch. Gary said he may not be able to land it though.
Gary said they were talking during the break about how maybe Rodney should do a tune up fight with someone like Bob Levy.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he thinks the cop should be white in this fight. Gary said that he was kind of white. He said he thought the guy was Italian. Gary said he thought that he was going to fight an actual cop but this guy is a former cop.
Another caller brought up all of the crimes that Rodney has committed. Gary said he hadn't heard about the stuff the guy was talking bout. Gary said it seemed like most of it was Rodney damaging himself and not other people. Gary said he really didn't know enough about it to comment on it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he saw Rodney on TV and he thinks that he's is going to lose if he doesn't get in some good punches right away. Jon said that you do need to be able to box even if you're strong.
Gary said that they've had some fights on the show and they never know what the outcome is going to be. He said they had the Geraldo and Frank Stallone fight and then the cabbie vs. Angry Black and then Cabbie vs. Stuttering John fight. He said he bought into the Cabbie thing and thought he was going to win. Then he found out that Cabbie wasn't actually training even though he said he was.
Gary said he had Rodney King's rap sheet in front of him. He read about how he may have beaten his wife and also took a tire iron in a store and ended up swinging a pie rack at the clerk in the store. He didn't read anything about what the caller mentioned earlier.
Gary said that John was out doing the ''I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here'' thing and he appeared on the Tonight Show after that. That's when they started to go after him.
Jon asked for Scott the Engineer to come in and talk about the recording session he did with John. Scott said he had no idea that he was actually recording that stuff for the Tonight Show. He said he thought he was just trying to find another job or something. He said he knew that his audition tape wasn't good and he was shocked when he actually got that job as the announcer on the Tonight Show.
Scott said John asked him to keep it quiet and not tell anyone. Scott said he did that and didn't tell anyone for a long time. He said John asked him to delete the files when they were done. Scott said he deleted the files but he had already copied and pasted the files somewhere else. He said that he never deletes shit because he knows that they may need it again some day. Gary said that's the right thing to do.
Gary had Scott tell some of the stories about what John would do to him. Scott said that he would do things like call a phone and have it taped down so he wasn't able to pick up the hand set. Gary said that John once called Scott from the hallway so he could watch him rip the phone out of the wall.
Gary said that once John put a $20 bill on a fishing wire and had Scott chasing it down the hall. Scott said he didn't go chasing it down the hall. He said he knew it was on a wire. He did try to grab it though.
Scott said he's worked with some great announcers in the industry and he couldn't believe that he got that job. He said that he knows he didn't get it because of his talent.
Gary said he saw that John was in the movie ''The Great Buck Howard'' because one of the characters goes on The Tonight Show and John is there announcing.
Scott said that John is still upset with him to this day. He said that John was still working there when he gave Howard the tapes. John gave them 2 weeks notice when he quit and he got pissed when he handed over the tapes. Scott said that he did delete some of the files that John asked him to but he also copied them. He technically didn't lie to John.
Gary said that he would have done the same thing that Scott did with the tapes. He said that it was clearly sensitive to John but they have no laws there on the show so he would have saved them.
Scott said he could have told Howard he had those clips before John announced he had the job. He said he held onto them for 3-6 months since John didn't get the job right away.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it would be great if they mixed those tapes of Jon with the scene in King of Comedy where he's doing the announcing in his mother's basement.
Another caller asked Scott if he ever talks to John anymore. Scott said he saw him out in Vegas once but they just said hello and that was about it. He has no other contact with John.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he remembers them coming in after the announcement where Fred was hitting John joking around about him getting that job. He said he'd love to hear that on a Mammary Lane show or something. Gary said that Fred really enjoyed that and he was going nuts with the impression that day.
Another caller asked Scott who would win in a fight with him and Ronnie. Scott said he's in no shape to do boxing. He said that he does some working out on an elliptical machine for an hour but that's about it. He said he's lost 55 pounds. Gary said he noticed that he had lost some weight. Scott said he wants to lose 10 more.
Jon asked Scott if the weight loss has helped with his COPD. Scott said it has and that's why he lost the weight.
Another caller asked if Scott has ever had this much air time without someone breaking his balls. Scott said it happens like once every 3 or 4 years.
The caller said he's surprised that Scott didn't give John some advice about his ''Pameler Anderson'' thing. Scott said he didn't think he was seriously going to be an announcer so he wasn't even thinking about that at the time. Gary said they used to goof on John for saying pizzer, vodker and calling his wife Suzanner.
Gary said that John also had record deal with Atlantic Records. He said that John was able to accomplish a lot of stuff. Scott said that John's band was okay but not that great. He said that he doesn't know what he did all that well other than going out and asking people questions that he read off a piece of paper. Jon said he was also a great shit stirrer on the show.
Gary said that John had the ability to go out and ask question and go off script once in a while. He had balls of steel too. Scott asked if that was talent. Gary said it is to a degree.
Scott said that John was always trying schemes and it finally worked out for him when he got on The Tonight Show. He said he was happy for him when he got that job. Gary said he was kind of jealous when he got that job because it showed that hard work doesn't always mean success. He said that he was looking at it from the financial standpoint. He said that John worked hard but he kind of did what he wanted when he was working there. They spent a couple more minutes talking about that before they had to go to break.
Benjy said he's sensitive to Scott because he gets so much shit on the show. He said that it seems like Scott is always wrong even if he's not. He said that it seems like he gets stuff turned on to him that's not his fault.
Gary said John used to throw him under the bus for being pussy whipped. He wouldn't hesitate to come in and tell Howard that. Gary said that it used to almost cause problems with him and his wife Mary. He said that his wife loves John but he has to remind her that he was the start of a lot of trouble between them.
Jon moved on to talk about Jackie calling into the show today. Gary said that all they really have to do is ask Jackie what he's up to and he has something to talk about. He said that Jackie is never not busy. Gary said he feels that he has the right to goof on Jackie since Jackie used to goof on him so much when he was on the show.
Gary said that he asked Jackie about the competing parties that he and his ex-wife had on the 4th of July and he got all upset with him. Gary said that Jackie used to give him a hard time every day he was on the show and he seems to have forgotten that.
Gary said that Howard made a good point about not having beer and clams in a garbage pail and Jackie seems to feel that they're stuck up about that stuff.
The guys talked about how Jackie and Billy West have decided not to take the Jackie Puppet out on the road. Gary said that Jackie made it seem like he lost the Gary puppet when he was at an appearance once but Jackie was the one who actually engineered that whole thing and had John steal it from him.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Stuttering John was in Private Parts ranting about wanting to be in the sequel to it. She wondered if they're going to make one. Gary said Howard hasn't talked about doing one. He explained how John was in that scene because they wanted him in the movie somehow even though he didn't really fit in there.
Gary explained how hot it was out the day they shot that scene. He said that John was in a scene where he had to hang out with the Wack Pack for most of the day. Gary said that most of the stuff he did was improvised and so was John's rant. He said they probably just gave him a few ideas and had him go ahead and rant.
Gary said that everything he did for the movie got into the movie. He said that one of the scenes was out on the street and he was supposed to say where Howard was going. Gary said that they had a bunch of cars with Michigan license plates on them and then put the same cars in the scene with Washington DC plates on them. That one didn't make it into the movie.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what it is that got Billy West so upset that he won't come on the show. He said it seems like he's had a great career since leaving the show. Gary said that Billy has had an unbelievable career since he left. He said that you hear his voice all the time on the Honey Nut Cheerio commercials and M&M commercials. The caller said that he's heard those and he knows that there were other things that he's been involved with as well.
Gary said he isn't sure what it was with Billy that keeps him from the show. Gary said that he doesn't know what happened behind the scenes. He knows that he was negotiating but he doesn't know what happened. He said he guesses that they let him leave after he wasn't happy with the offer they made him. Gary said that Billy may think that he didn't get the respect he deserved and he left.
Another caller asked Why Jackie is allowed on the show when he says that he never listens to the show. Gary said that it might be Jackie's passive aggressive way of getting back at them. That led to Jon playing a clip of Jackie and Howard talking about going out to dinner and Jackie telling Fred not to interrupt so much.
Gary said he's not sure if that dinner is going to happen. Beth is going away and Howard may ask to go out to dinner with some guys but Jackie may be the last guy on the list of guys he'll call. He said Jackie is on the bench.
Another caller said that he had occasion to see Jackie's wife Nancy's band perform. He said he saw the date on Jackie's web site when she asked where he found out about it. He said that she said that it was her web site in an angry way and maybe that was part of the reason that they split.
A caller said that this is all about Republican racism. He had a whole theory about how this all started. He gave the guys his thoughts on all of that but Gary cut him off saying that he didn't want to get that political on this. He said that he doesn't think that it's as political as this guy is making it seem.
Benjy said he thinks that if this was a white President who was as outspoken as Obama then people would still have a problem with it. He said he thought it was kind of Big Brotherish to him. He said he knew people were going to be upset about it.
Gary said that President Kennedy addressed the kids when he was in office and people didn't have a problem with it back then. Benjy said that maybe it's because he's so charismatic. Gary said that Kennedy and Clinton were too and they didn't have a problem getting to address the kids.
Jon took a call from a guy who was going off on them about Obama being a Muslim and having an agenda. Gary said that he's not Muslim but the guy was arguing with him that he is and that he has this agenda. Gary asked him what Obama could possibly say that's going to hurt these kids. The guy said that he doesn't know what he's going to say, that's the problem. The guy said that he wasn't elected because of his politics, it was all based on his personality.
Gary asked the guy what he did get elected on if it's not his politics. The caller said it was his personality and nothing else. Gary said they were doing too much politics there so they had to get off of that subject.
Jon took one more call from a guy who said that a lot of these people are going off on this speech thing but there are people saying that he's like a communist for asking kids to stay in school but if he was white no one would have a problem with it. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show saying he wanted to start the show talking about weird things that go on in the world. He said he loves the band Cheap Trick but Gary gave him something odd. He said they put out an album (Sgt. Pepper Live) that is song for song the Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band record. Howard said it makes no sense to him. Howard said they did an exact remake of the album.
Howard said he already has that album and he's not sure why he'd want to hear Cheap Trick doing it. He said they didn't even do a new interpretation of the songs. Howard had some songs to play for Robin. He said it's just not right. Fred laughed but Howard said it's not funny. He said it's making him mental.
Howard played one of the songs from the album and Robin liked it. Howard said it's just the same songs and there's nothing new about it. He said they just covered the whole album song for song. Howard laughed as he was playing it. Robin said they actually did it with accents.
Howard said the songs are good but they're just the same songs and if he wanted to hear them, he'd just listen to the Beatles versions. Howard then said that he was kind of liking it.
Gary told Howard that they're going to be doing this album for 10 dates in Las Vegas at the Las Vegas Hilton soon. Fred said he thinks that Crosby Stills and Nash are going to be doing covers on a new album too. He said it's like they want a sure sell.
Howard said Alanis Morissette covered her own songs acoustically. He said that's kind of cool though. Fred agreed with him on that. Gary said he heard that John Fogarty covered some songs too. He hasn't heard it though.
Howard played some more of the Cheap Trick Sgt. Pepper stuff. He said maybe he's wrong about it. Fred said that they've kind of wanted to be a Beatles like band but they never quite got there. Now they can be the Beatles by performing this album.
Howard said it's still freaking him out. Artie said it reminds you of just how great those songs were. Howard said he had enough of that after playing a quick clip from another song.
Gary said there is a bonus track at the end of the album that's a medley of a bunch of other Beatles songs. Howard got to that one and played it as well.
Howard said that Alanis Morissette covered her ''Jagged Little Pill'' album acoustically (Jagged Little Pill Acoustic). He played some tracks off of that as well. They spent a few minutes talking about what she's up to theses days. Gary said she's been on ''Weeds'' this season and she's really good on that. He said she gets naked but doesn't show anything on the show.
Howard ended up talking about reviews on the web from people who have no business reviewing stuff. That led to him making fun of Mike Gange's Facebook posts. Howard ended up making up his own status updates for Mike and goofing on him about everything he does wrong or anything that he thought he's done wrong. Howard did his impression of Gange as he was doing that.
Howard said that updating makes him angry. He said he can't believe he's wrapped up in that guy's life. Howard got some of Gange's latest status updates and read them in that strained voice he does. Howard said that guy has a thought every minute. He was talking about Mike copying something that he had read somewhere and posting it on his own status update.
Howard got back to the Alanis Morissette acoustic album. He played another track off of that and asked if she's not making records anymore. Robin said it takes a while to come up with material and she's busy acting right now.
Howard said that he actually likes Mike Gange. He said he knows he thinks he doesn't like him though. Gary asked Howard if he wanted to hear some of Gange talking about how much fun he's having on Facebook and that's why Howard might be jealous. Howard said he didn't want to hear that.
Howard said now that he's met Spyder he laughs when he hears that voice he does. Howard tried to do an impression of him doing the intro for the song he played for that Baba Booey shout out.
Howard said that guy doesn't look like a Spyder Harrison or a JJ Walker. Howard did another intro for a song as if he were Spyder. Howard introduced a Kings of Leon song as Spyder Harrison. He played a bunch of other songs that were in the top 5 in that voice as well. He screwed it up a couple of times so he had to do the intros over again.
Robin asked Howard if he's over his polyurethane issue. Howard said that he was reading about a guy who was down at ground zero on 9/11 and he's now dying from the stuff he was sucking into his lungs. Howard said that he thinks that he's like this guy after sucking in the polyurethane fumes last week. Howard said he didn't bring that up with his therapist. He said he told the guy he was going to work through it himself.
Robin asked Howard why he didn't bring that up. Howard said he has a lot of other things he's got to work through. He said he wants to quit therapy now and doesn't want to talk about himself anymore.
Howard said he's convinced he's going to die in a fire so he wasn't able to sleep. Howard said he's fuckin' crazy. He said Beth wasn't with him last night so that's why he's having these thoughts. Howard said his therapist was saying that he is turning the murderous thoughts on himself when people leave him alone. Robin said that Howard has to be a 50 on the narcissist scale if she's a 34. Howard said that Robin needs help. He said she wasn't even able to find vegetables in France.
Howard said he thinks he's doing therapy wrong. Robin said Howard may not be doing it right because of the way he's going at his own pace. Howard said this may just be maintenance because he may never be cured.
Howard said you have to wonder what kind of mental case writes a song like this. Howard played some of it and Sal was singing about how Gotti was framed and he should be released. Howard laughed after hearing a couple of lines in the song.
Sal came in and said that his father thought the song was great and that it was going to make them millions. Howard asked him what he was thinking with this song. Sal said he was a little naive and he didn't know what was really going on. He said that his father was a fan of Gotit's and he was like a god to him.
Sal said that his dad did a lot of wacky stuff and he's just learning about it now. Howard said Sal is so sick and they don't even know it.
Sal said his father used to come home with two bags of cash and sit down at the table counting it. He said no one ever questioned him about where it came from. Then they used to get things like new boats and about a month later the boat would just disappear.
Sal said his cousin used to have a pizzeria and he used to tell him that they should be able to make rap songs just like ''they'' do. He said that he came up with the idea to do the Free John Gotti song when his cousin brought that up.
Sal said that he did the song in a studio and it cost them like $700. Back then it was a lot of money. Howard played some more of the song and Artie just laughed.
Howard asked Sal about his father being into the song and asked if he brought it to radio stations for him. Sal said his father left it all up to him. Artie said ''Good move...''
Howard said Sal brought him a clip from a porno where this chick is getting pissed on. It was called ''Toilet Mouth.'' Howard played it and it was a chick taking piss in her mouth. Sal was laughing his ass off at the clip. Everyone else seemed to be cringing.
Howard said Richard Christy gets creeped out by Sal and he recorded him watching some of these creepy videos. He had tape of Sal watching a woman getting pissed on. Sal was watching a bunch of pee videos and he was describing what the women looked like as they got pissed on. He liked it when the chicks squinted when the piss went in their eyes. He said they like when they look like old ladies too. Sal was talking about how he could jerk off to that stuff in 10 seconds. He likes when a guy cums on a chick's face and another guy pisses on her to wash it off.
Howard said this is the stuff that goes on in that office he built for those guys. In the tape Sal was talking about how this chick was getting pissed on in her mouth and it was over flowing like a volcano. Artie said that was very disturbing. Howard said Sal hates women so much. Sal said he admires that stuff. He said that anyone who is willing to get peed on in the mouth is great.
Howard said he thinks that Sal has a lot of issues with women and it doesn't take Sigmund Freud to figure it out. Artie said there is nothing sexual about that at all to him. Sal said it's hot to him but he doesn't like the skat videos or anything like that.
Sal said the pissing thing is amazing to him and he loves to see that kind of stuff. Howard said he couldn't whack off to anything like that in a million years. Sal said he doesn't think it's anger toward women but Howard said it is.
Sal said he thinks that there must be a lot of that stuff going on in Germany. He said that's where a lot of those videos come from. Howard asked Sal what part of it he likes the most. Sal said he doesn't like to see women hurt but he likes to see them put themselves in that situation. He said it's like the ultimate sacrifice. He said you have to applaud someone like that for giving it up the way they do.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal is fucked up. He said he really needs help. Howard agreed with the caller. The caller said his wife must be out of her mind to stay with him. Sal said he was doing research for the show and he was just commenting on what he was watching. The caller said that he was talking about jerking off to the stuff he was researching. Sal said he would never be a creep jerking off to that stuff in his basement. Howard cut him off and thanked him for coming in and bringing them into their world.
Howard asked Sal if he would like to piss on his wife and watch her drink it. Sal said he's uncomfortable to ask his wife to do anything now. Sal said that he wouldn't want to do that to her. He said he would want to do that to Robin. He said that the glaze against her skin would glisten. Sal said that the pee porn isn't that weird and it's out there.
Howard said Richard told him that Sal googled ''Piss and MILF'' to find that pee porn stuff. Sal said that they're taking younger girls and making them look old to make them MILFs.
Sal said that these cougars that are out there are really making it fun at the bars. Howard asked Sal if his wife is a cougar. Sal said he doesn't think of her like that.
Sal started to get into his theories about MILFs and told Howard he thinks they do this kind of stuff just to keep up with the younger girls. Howard thanked him for that and told him to go back to work. Howard said Sal is whacked out of his head. He played some more of Sal's ''Free John Gotti'' song after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Megan Fox has been out saying that she's basically crazy. Howard said that anyone who puts a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her arm is mentally ill. He said that's the first thing you see that proves she's nuts. Howard said she's got crazy eyes too.
Howard said that having a mental chick like that is hot. He said she's probably great in bed and she'd probably let guys pee on her and puke on her.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard to give him his own bucket list of three things he'd like to do before he dies. Howard said he'd like to see his 3 daughters settled down and happy. He said he'd like to see them hitched up with dudes. He said he'd like to see them as happy adults.
Howard also said that he'd like to get healthier mentally so maybe he could sort of enjoy things. He said he'd like to be like Robin and get on a plane and go to Italy and things like that.
Howard said he'd also like to see Jay Leno's TV show fail before he dies. Artie said he's pretty sure he'll get to see that.
Howard said he saw Leno being interviewed about his new show and he was making it sound like it wasn't going to be a big deal. Howard said it is a big deal though. He said that they're advertising it all over the place. Fred said it's in every theater when you go to see a movie.
The caller asked if Howard has another book in him. Howard said he doesn't think that's going to happen. Robin said she thinks that he has another one in him.
The caller asked if he could do a meditation book. Howard said Beth started to do Transcendental Meditation. He said that she's in love with it and she wants to meditate all the time. Howard said he has to tell her that he's in charge of that around the house. He said she loves it though.
Howard said that Carol Leifer started to meditate after they talked. Howard said he got a hold of her and straightened her out. He said he didn't turn her straight, he just straightened her out on a few things.
The caller said that he was out at this Slippery Rock place and saw the fattest chick with the tightest pants on. Howard said they love to show that off for some reason.
Howard said President Obama likes the idea of taxing sugary drinks because people are drinking so much of them. He said that they're pure sugar and that makes people fat. Howard said that's destroying American's health. Howard said he likes the idea of taxing that stuff too.
The caller said he saw this fat chick buying all of her junk food with Welfare money. Howard said that's really disturbing. The caller said that you should only be able to buy healthy food with those food stamps. Howard agreed with him on that.
Howard said that cigarettes and soda are in the same category so they should both be taxed. Howard said that if they did tax it tomorrow, they'd be doing people a favor. Howard said Artie was drinking a lot of soda when he was at his fattest. Artie said that's what it was. Robin said it was other stuff too though.
Howard said it used to kill him when he'd have a sales meeting when he was on terrestrial radio. He said that the companies that refused to advertise on his show were Coca Cola and Pepsi. He said that they said his show was unacceptable. Howard said that these companies are enemies of the country. They fatten up the kids of this country. Howard said they should be begging to advertise on his show. Howard said he thinks that all of that sugar could kill people and he is now going to reject them.
Howard said that in 1980 he was on radio in Detroit and McDonald's started to take notice and they stopped advertising on his show. He said that could have ended his career. Howard said they could have done him in but he was lucky he had some progressive people who knew better.
Howard said that the food that McDonald's feeds to people is so unhealthy. Howard said that they can't reject him. He said that they should be forced to advertise on his show. Robin said that people who don't advertise on that show are people who have something to hide. Robin said that they'd be scrutinized if they did advertise on the show.
Howard said that he won't eat at McDonald's because they say he's unacceptable. Howard said that they're the unacceptable people, not him. Howard said that he's not dangerous. He said he's better than McDonald's. Robin said Howard doesn't make people sick. She said he does make some sick but not in that way. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and asked what happened to that band Living Colour. Fred wasn't sure but he said they should go back and remake that song acoustically.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was sorry to hear about Beth's grandmother. Howard thanked him for that. The caller went on to say that he's pissed off about the Obama thing not being shown in his kid's classroom. Howard said of course he's pissed.
Howard said the schools are such cowards and the principals are such pussies. Howard said no one questioned it with Bush or any of these guys, until Obama got into office. Howard said that he just wanted to talk to the kids about staying in school. Howard said Obama should have been allowed to do that without controversy. Howard said they're treating the guy like he's public enemy number 1. Howard said it's not like that and this was a good message for kids to hear. Howard said he wished that the President had done that for him when he was in school.
The caller said that kids at his kid's school were given the option of going to watch during lunch. Howard said he had the Merry Mail Man come to visit him when he was in school. Howard said no parents had anything to say about that. Howard said there was no controversy back then. He said that guy wasn't as important as the President of the United States.
The caller said that they were saying that this was something that families should watch but that's bull. He said that every class room had the 9/11 coverage on. He said that they were watching people jumping out of buildings and that scared the shit out of them.
Howard said when he was in school he had to watch tapes of the moon landing or tapes of girls getting their periods.
Howard said that this is a racial thing. He said President Bush was talking to kids all the time. The caller asked what Scott DePace thinks about this. Howard said DePace thinks whatever Rush Limbaugh thinks. Scott got on his mic and said that he doesn't agree with him on that and didn't have a problem with the speech at all.
Gary came in and said that Jon Hein's kid's school principal was saying he saw a print out of what was said in the speech and he felt it was fine to show to the kids. Howard said that Principal is a pussy and he should get some balls. He said he should have just let the kids see it. Jon came in and said it was actually the Superintendent of the whole school system out where he lives. He said that they posted that information at 4pm after the speech had been done already.
Howard said that Obama was trying to help raise up the youth of this country and every student should have been allowed to watch. He said it's unbelievable that they were worried about the content of the speech. Howard said we're in trouble when things like this happen.
Howard said the speech was posted online on Monday and they should have known ahead of time what was going to be said.
Howard said Jeff the Drunk called Johnny Fratto and asked him to get someone to call in for him. Howard said Jeff wants the credit. Howard said Jeff asked Johnny, if he couldn't get the celebrity, to front him 5 grand. Artie said he heard this call and it was very frustrating to hear.
Howard played the call that Jeff made to Johnny where he asked him to do him this favor. Jeff told Johnny about the contest. He told Johnny he needs the money bad and he was hoping that Johnny would help him out and find him a celebrity to call in. Jeff had some suggestions for Johnny but then he asked if he could just send him the 5 grand if he couldn't find someone.
Howard said he'd appreciate someone sending him 5 grand too. Howard said it sounded like Jeff was living in a storm in that call.
Jeff was on the phone so Howard asked him if he has no shame. Jeff said it was raining when he made that call. Robin asked Jeff if he's embarrassed at all. Jeff said he wasn't. Howard asked him if he really thinks Johnny should send him 5 grand. Jeff didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal.
Howard told Jeff that he can work and make his own money. Jeff said he can't work. Howard said he could be on the phones doing phone sales all day long. Jeff said he's not sure he could do that. Howard said that he can do that from home, he doesn't even have to leave his house.
Artie asked Jeff if he thinks that Johnny Fratto can really get the Pope to call in for him. Jeff said he's not sure.
Johnny Fratto was on the phone so Howard picked up on him too. Johnny said he was wondering if he heard it right when Jeff asked if he could get the Pope to call in for him. Howard asked if Johnny would help out at all. Johnny said he could get Elroy Jetson to call in for him but that's about it. Johnny said that Elroy lives in the future so it might be kind of tough to get him.
The guys goofed on Jeff about his request. Artie was doing his impression of Jeff asking him to get all kinds of people.
Johnny said he thinks that Sal should get 15-life for that John Gotti song. Johnny said that he gets peed on like 2 or 3 times a day with his 10 month old baby. He said that Sal might be jealous of that.
Jeff asked Howard for some money but Howard said that he should let some other people win that money. Johnny told Howard that there's a big article in Penthouse Magazine about the girls who have appeared on Howard's show. It's in their 40th anniversary issue.
Howard told Jeff he has won a lot of money on the show and he can't keep giving it to him. Robin said Jeff wants Johnny to do all of this work for him and he wants the money for Johnny's hard work. Jeff said all he has to do is make some phone calls.
Howard said Jeff needs money because he spent his money on pot and alcohol. Robin asked if he still has TV. Jeff said he does. Howard said Jeff will work it out somehow. Jeff said he will. Howard said he did have money to give away but he's not going to give it to Jeff.
Gary came in and told Howard that they had a bunch of celebrity names brought up but none of them will call him back. He said that they're down to people like Pauly Shore and Danny Aiello at this point. Howard said that Gary has to keep his eye on that and see how else they can get to call in.
Lisa said that Scott the Engineer revealed that he doesn't have a will. Howard said that sounds about right for Scott. He said that he has nothing anyway. Lisa said that's what Scott said too when she asked him about it. Howard said that Scott does have a home and he must have some savings. Lisa said that he doesn't have a living will or anything like that.
Scott also told her that he has that black cloud over him so if there is an afterlife then everyone should be worried about him dying.
Howard asked Scott about the will and why he puts it off. Scott said he knows he has to take care of it. Howard said maybe he should skip a night of bowling to get that done.
Howard told Scott that he should do something to save his wife from paying taxes on his savings and things like that. Scott said he will get that done.
Howard said nothing sickens him more than people who don't take care of their affairs. Howard said Scott must not be able to imagine this world without Scott the Engineer.
Artie said he did a will about 5 years ago and it was more involved than he thought it was going to be. Scott said he was thinking about looking for a job just in case Howard leaves. He said that they may not keep him around if Howard leaves. He said maybe he can teach engineering or something.
Lisa said that Jason Kaplan and Mike Gange were arguing on Facebook over politics. She said that Mike has realized that getting too political on Facebook is a bad idea.
Lisa also had a story about this case where a young woman's kid went missing and they found the kid dead. The woman was suspected and she thought about coming on the Howard Stern Show at one point to get the word out that her kid was missing. Howard said they're getting a lot of play on this.
Howard played a tape of this woman being interviewed about the woman whose kid was missing and she was saying that the mother was busy thinking about going on the Howard Stern Show to make some money by promoting some stuff. Howard said that tape made it on CNN and places like that. In one clip the reporters were talking about how outrageous that was.
Robin said that was wild that her child was missing and she was thinking about getting head shots so she could autograph them. Howard said he would like to get her on the show so he could ask her about all of that.
Howard played another news report where they were talking about the case and this woman wanting to appear on the Howard Stern Show. Howard said it sounds like those women want to kill him when they mention the name of his show. Howard said it might be good for them to come on this show and get the word out about their missing kids.
Lisa also brought up a story about the release of the remixed Beatles catalog. She said they're featuring that one of the channels there at Sirius and XM. Howard said he didn't know they were plugging the Little Steven channel there.
Howard said there was one group of kids who can kind of sing but he's not sure anyone would pay to see them sing. He said they can sing but they have to think it through and know that it's just not going to work.
Howard said David Hasslehoff is up there trying to determine what is a good act and then he goes up and performs and you see how bad he is. Howard said you see that no one would even pay to see David Hasslehoff. Howard said he thinks that they could get a $10 billion contract in Vegas.
Howard said they brought out the Muppets on the show last night and it was so lame. He said he hates the Muppets. He said they did this bit with Miss Piggy and Sharon Osbourne and it was horrible. Howard said that whole concept is horrible and a train wreck.
Howard said Kermit and Miss Piggy came out and snag and it was just for kids. He said he can't watch puppets singing no matter what.
Howard said he liked puppets when he was a kid. He said he had a course on how to create puppets. He said the teacher liked him and thought he had some kind of talent building these puppets. Howard said the guy wanted him to go on tour with him. Howard said he's pretty sure the guy wasn't into him like a pedophile would be into a kid either.
Howard said this teacher called his mother and said that he'd like to take him out on the road. He said he could have made some major dough doing that. Howard said he was just a kid but then the funding dried up and it never went anywhere. Howard said he's not anti-puppetry. He said he once wrote a letter to Jim Henson from the Muppets and they wrote back asking ''who's looking for you?'' like he was nothing. Howard said it was nice that the wrote back to him at least.
Howard played a clip of Wendy the Retard doing her Miss Piggy impression in a voice mail. Howard said this is the only adult who likes The Muppets.
Howard said he gets the feeling that Jay hates John now. Howard said Jay took John away from his job as announcer and made him a writer. Howard said he thinks that the rift that it caused between him and Jay could be part of that.
Fred did some of his John impression introducing guests for the Tonight Show and introduced some celebrities. He also threw in ''Living Colour'' but had John calling them ''Living Coloreds.''
Howard and Fred goofed on Jay for a couple of minutes doing their impressions and talking about the way Jay stole John away from the show without warning.
Howard said that John thought he was going to be out there hanging out with Jay all the time. He even bought a motorcycle to go riding with him.
Howard said he thinks that Jay would look like a shit stain if he had fired John completely. John now has a job as a writer on the show but he's no longer the announcer. Artie said that maybe John will write some sketches and get on the show that way. Fred did his John impression again and said ''Oh boy... I, I, I, I'm fucked.'' He mentioned some more names of celebrities that he used in his audition tape that they played yesterday.
Howard said the only thing that seems to have changed is that John is no longer on the show. He said if he were John, he'd be pissed.
Howard played John's audition tapes that they played yesterday. That's where John introduces some celebrities like Pamela Anderson but he says ''Pameler'' with the New York accent he has.
Howard was goofing on John for introducing too many celebrities in the opening. That led to Fred doing his impression and introducing about 20 people for one show. Howard said that they even made John change his name to John Melendez from Stuttering John.
Howard played more of the John audition tape and laughed through most of it. John brought up Simon and Garfunkle as the band being introduced so he asked Scott to give him another one since he wasn't able to come up with one. Fred did more of his impression and ripped John apart.
Howard said if he were John he'd just do announcing from everywhere. That led to Fred doing a ''Live from Starbucks...'' impression.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves Howard TV and they have to get it if they don't have it. He was also asking why they don't have John on the phone to do a phone interview. Howard said John was actually at his house a couple of weeks ago. He said John and his wife came over for dinner. Howard said he thinks that John might be smart for not calling in. He said that if John says something wrong them he might get kicked off the show. He said he'd be afraid to have John on the show for fear of fucking his gig up.
Fred and Howard continued to do their John impressions during that call. Fred said that he doesn't like John so he wouldn't have gone to that dinner at Howard's house.
The caller asked if he could play a game. Howard told him to hold on because he had to play some other stuff first.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer got all worked up about John on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He played some audio of that segment. Scott was talking about how John wasn't all that talented but he still got a record deal and this Tonight Show gig. Jon and Gary told Scott that John did have the ability to do those celebrity interviews very well.
Howard played a question from the game and didn't bother with the rules since they've played the game before. He said the guy had to get 3 out of 5 right to win $711 courtesy of 7-Eleven. Howard said this was the same homeless woman they played with last time. Here are the questions and answers:
Howard said he was reading about this kid who won an essay contest at his school and won the right to do the play by play at a Mets game. The kid was a 5th grader so he was about 10. Howard said you don't even have pubes at that age. Howard said he thought it was cute that they did that even though Gary didn't think it was that great.
Howard said it's scary for a 10 year old to do that and he thought he did pretty well. Howard played some of the audio and the kid was doing pretty good calling the game. He was talking about the players trying to make a ''sandwich'' and he was making that up himself. The kid was calling the pitches and the other announcers were being kind of condescending to the kid.
Howard said he thought it was kind of cute and as long as it didn't go on the whole game it was cool. He played a little more of it and he liked what he heard. He said he was pretty good. Artie said it reminds him of Dennis Miller getting the job on the NFL games. Howard said that's a whole different deal though. Artie said the kid was under a lot of pressure but he did pretty good.
JD didn't think the kid was that good making up that ''sandwich'' call. Howard said that JD couldn't come up with something like that as an adult. He goofed on JD and did an impression of him trying to come up with something original like that.
Howard asked JD if he wanted to take a shot at announcing. JD said he would take a shot. They had some copy for him to read. JD tried reading it but he just read it. JD introduced a couple of celebrities and Howard said he's surprised that they don't call him. He said he's just as good as John was. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Kathy Griffin was supposed to be there but she was running late. She has a new book out and she said some nice things about Artie.
Howard said that Michael Vick spoke to two schools yesterday and no one was outraged by that. Howard read an article about that. He did an impression of Vick when he was reading the quotes they had from him. Howard said that was a bunch of bullshit after reading what he said about the dog fighting ring he was in charge of.
Howard said Richard Christy found this new vampire movie that's coming out. There's a trailer for the movie on the internet and it looks like a really cool premise. Howard said it's the future and everyone is almost a vampire. He said that either you've been bitten and died or you're a vampire. Howard said they're running out of humans to feed on. He said that there's no such thing as artificial blood so they've been farming humans.
Richard said the movie is called ''Day Breakers.'' Richard said that one of the guys in the movie is one of his favorite actors. He said he's really good. That led to Howard making fun of Richard's ''Favorite'' comments that he makes all the time. Richard told Howard about what the movie was about and how cool he thought it looked.
Howard said he saw a clip from the movie ''Gia'' with Angelina Jolie in it. He said he liked the lesbian scene and now he understands why Brad Pitt sticks with her.
Howard said that he has had Kathy on his show all of these years while those other shows kept her off. Howard said it's like all of a sudden she's considered acceptable. Kathy said she goes in and out of banning. She said that she may be able to get unbanned from Ellen's show too. She thinks that might just be so she stops telling people she's been banned from her show.
Howard told Kathy that he read some of her book. The 5 pages that she wrote about him were the 5 that he read. Kathy thought that he would read the whole book but Howard said he wasn't going to do that. He said he definitely read those 5 pages though.
Howard talked about some of the stuff Kathy mentioned in the book and pointed out that she has a crush on Fred of all people. Fred said he had no idea. Kathy said she was more nervous about that than anything else in the book. Kathy said that she's attracted to him in ways they don't understand. She said that Fred has a wonderful mind and she's attracted to him in a physical way too.
Howard said Fred is an odd guy and he doesn't understand this. Kathy said that he's a sweet guy and Howard just doesn't understand that.
Howard asked Kathy if she would sleep with Fred. She said that she would do that if he wasn't married. Howard asked if she would be okay with him being uncircumcised. She said that she'd be okay with that. She said it's not all sexual with Fred though. She said that she feels a connection with Fred. She said that he's not the type you just fuck for one night. She said he's the guy you take home. Artie added that she'd them fuck him the rest of his life.
Kathy told Artie she loved his book. She asked him if he remembered writing any of it. Artie laughed and said that he did.
Howard got into the book, ''Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin,'' and asked if she was going to be on Oprah's book club. She said she was but she was just joking around.
Howard read that Kathy dated Jack Black the comedian. She says that he now ignores her. Kathy said she thinks she lost him to fame. Kathy said that he banged her and it was a relationship. She said that he met her parents and everything.
Kathy said that Jack dumped her for Andy Dick. She said that they were dating for a couple of months and he was fun and sweet. She said that there was a lot of video games and pot and then Jack started to hang with Andy Dick and they had a bit of a bromance going on.
Howard said this was fascinating to him. He said he never imagined that she was dating Jack. Kathy said that she only cares what Fred thinks about all of this but Fred had bolted out of the studio. Howard said he was handed a note saying that Fred ran off to get circumcised.
Howard asked Kathy about having sex with Jack and if she remembered the size of his penis. She said that it was probably average but she really doesn't remember. She said that it was fine though. She said that the relationship fizzled and that was it.
Kathy said that she and Jack don't run in the same circles so she doesn't see him much now. She said that she's not sure he would ignore her or not.
Howard read about Kathy thinking that Jerry Seinfeld was an asshole the first time she met him. She said that she was on two episodes of ''Seinfeld.'' She said that she asked him to sign an autograph for her on the set of the show and he refused to do it. Kathy said she wanted to dazzle some guys she was going to be seeing and she asked Jerry to sign the autograph. Howard said that people on the set shouldn't be star struck like that. Kathy said she knows that and she shouldn't have done it but Jerry really didn't want anything to do with her. Kathy said they had scenes together and it was a little awkward.
Kathy said that she ended up talking about Jerry in her HBO special and she had become friendly with Larry David at that point. Larry told her that Jerry would never heard it or see it so she shouldn't worry about it. Kathy said that Jerry sent her a letter about it and it was very funny so she has that in the book.
Howard asked Kathy about her friendship with Brook Shields. Kathy said that Brook got mad at her for not defending her on Howard's show. She said that she told Brook to go on Howard's show sometime and she said she just didn't want to do it. Kathy said that they just called for the first time in a long time this year. She didn't want to appear on her show either.
Howard talked about Kathy bringing Joan Rivers to Cher's house recently. Joan spoke about that on the show when she was on last. Howard asked if Cher is worried about her talking about her. Kathy didn't think that was an issue. She talked about how they hang out in Cher's bathroom or bedroom when they hang out at her house.
Howard asked Kathy about Cher's daughter becoming a man and if she jokes about that at all. Kathy said that Cher told her that Chaz is not getting surgery, she's only having hormone injections. Kathy said that Cher actually asked her to put the word out about that.
Howard asked Kathy if she sees Chaz at the house. She said she really doesn't see her around but she does see Elijah Blue. Howard asked if Cher looks good these days because he's seen some pictures in the paper of her not looking so good. Kathy said that Cher looks amazing and that hair of her's is real.
Howard asked Kathy what she would do to Fred if she could be with him. She said that she would blow him and then play trivia games with him. She said she'd tickle his balls and play Win Fred's Money. She'd gag on Fred's intelligence.
Howard asked Kathy about her comments about Steve Martin being a douche bag. She said that he's a comic genius but he's a dick too. Kathy said she was on the Martin Short Show when he had that going on. She said that Steve was on the show too and he was being a dick to her and she thought that he was being suck a douche that she thought he was putting it on as a joke.
Kathy said she defies anyone to go up to Steve on the street because he's totally unapproachable. She said she had heard about Steve being kind of a douche but she was on the show with Martin Short and she loves Martin. She said that Steve had to be translated to and he wouldn't look at her or anything. She said that Martin was telling Steve about what she was about and Steve was aggressively unfriendly.
Howard said he had dinner with Steve. He said that Steve was a fan of his film and he contacted him about that. He said that Steve wasn't trying to impress him at dinner but they had some discussions about their lives. He said that they were going to try and get together again but neither of them were available. Howard said Steve was very normal to him.
Howard said Kathy tells a story in the book about Conan O'Brien. He apparently agreed to go to a wedding with her at some point. Kathy said they were working at the Groundlings at the time and she tried to get Conan to take her out to dinner. They did that and she tried to turn it into a date. Kathy said that Conan did go to the wedding but ended up showing up at the end of the wedding figuring that she had already left. She said that she always stays too late at things like that.
Howard told Kathy that she should tell that story on Conan's show when she's on. Kathy said that she's pretty sure he wouldn't even remember that date.
Howard said that Kathy will be signing copies of her book out in California later this month. Kathy asked Artie how he does these signings because they're exhausting. Howard said it's easier than doing stand-up. Kathy asked Artie if he does readings. Artie said he did one. He said they asked him to do about 30 minutes of comedy up front and he did that before doing the signing. He said there were like 1000 people there and it took about 8 hours to do it.
Howard talked about the book signings he did and how he sat down and signed every one. He said he signed 25,000 books at two different places. Kathy was shocked by that.
Howard read that Kathy had been on Bill Maher's show and he used to talk about how aliens were downloading stuff into his head. Howard said that Bill doesn't like him anymore. He said that Bill claims that they were mean to him on the show so he doesn't like him anymore.
Howard said that Bill owes him because he came up with the concept of ''Politically Incorrect'' for Comedy Central but they didn't want to pay him to do it so they took the idea and used it for Bill's show. Howard said that Bill doesn't believe that he came up with that show idea but he's sticking to his story.
Howard said the most shocking revelation in Kathy's book is that her older brother, who is no longer with us, was a pedophile. Kathy said he died a horrible death too and it was a horrible story that she never talked about until now. Howard asked her about why she thought he was a pedophile. She said that he used to crawl into her bed and whisper stuff to her that was inappropriate. She said that he never touched her but he did whisper stuff to her. Howard said it sounds like she was kind of rejected by her own brother. She said that kind of hurts her. She said that was a serious subject to talk about.
Howard said that Kathy tried to report her brother to the cops when her friend told her about him molesting some kids. Howard said that's a brave thing to do.
Howard asked Kathy why her mother waited 20 years to have a kid. Kathy said she was an accident baby. Her parents were catholic so they used the rhythm method and had an accident.
Kathy said that she was terrified of her brother right until the day he died. She said that the whole thing is about instilling fear in kids so it was very tough for her.
Howard asked Kathy what her brother said to her when she confronted him. She said that he just said ''I do what I do.'' Kathy said that her father is actually the one who told her that. Howard said that he never thought that he'd say that Kathy is to be admired for what she did with her brother but he feels he has to now.
Kathy said she didn't go to her brother's funeral and that wasn't a popular decision with her family. During all of that Kathy was joking about how she was going to break up Fred's marriage. Fred said he thinks that's all a put on because he's heard that she's dating her tour manager. Kathy made it seem like that wasn't true though.
Howard said that Kathy has put in pictures of her plastic surgery in the book. She has scars that she was showing to the guys too. She had some bad liposuction that she was showing. She asked Fred not to look at it though.
Howard asked Kathy about going to the Teen Choice Awards with Levi Johnston. Howard asked her how that all came about. She said she's a genius and she wishes that Howard would admit it. Kathy said that she was nominated for two teen choice awards and she knew she had to make a splash on the show. She said that she wanted a teen that was talked about a lot. She heard that Levi liked the jokes that Letterman told about the Palin family. Kathy told Howard how she went through his team of people to get to him and she was able to do it. She said that he was very charming and he talked shit about Sarah Palin endlessly so it was great. Howard asked if Levi came on to her at all. She said that he did but she didn't fall into it.
Howard asked Kathy about Oprah Winfrey and her friend Gayle. Kathy said she likes to think that they're gay together but she doesn't know that they are. She said that she just likes to think about it and giggles when she does.
Howard gave Kathy some more plugs for her book ''Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin'' and web site which is at KathyGriffin.net
Howard took a cal from a guy who asked Kathy about what kind of dildo she uses. She said she actually uses her hand.
Another caller said he whacks it to Kathy all the time and he thinks that she's hot. Kathy said that means a lot to her. Howard said she had tears in her eyes.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what kind of stars she's going to have on her show next season. Kathy said she may have Cher.
Another guy said that Kathy is pulling her eyes back too much and she's looking like an ostrich. Kathy said she's not even doing surgery like that. Kathy said she hasn't had anything done in a while now. She said she's not even doing Botox at this point.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Kathy about the Joan Rivers roast. Kathy said she knew that Joan was going to slap her but not at the time she did so it caught her off guard. Howard wrapped up with Kathy and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that was the great Leslie West in that song that was playing. He said Leslie was just recently married too. Howard said Leslie is great.
Howard said that he had Shawn King on the show recently and got a lot of negative feedback in the email. Howard said that there were rumors that she had fucked her kid's soccer coach and she agreed to come in and take a lie detector test. He said they've been calling her and no one is returning phone calls now. Howard said she promised to come in and she should stick to her word.
A caller said that Kathy Griffin is a great broad and she told them everything they wanted to know. Howard said she's always great on the show. Howard said that's why all of these other shows are letting her on. Robin said it's kind of like the Richard Simmons thing. Howard said he thinks that Kathy will eventually reject them.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked them to bring the donkey American Idol judge in so he could ask it some questions. Fred played the donkey sounds that he was playing yesterday during an American Idol conversation. Howard let the guy ask a couple of questions but then cut the guy off saying that was enough.
Shuli said that Langford found out that Eric was staying in his dead mother's apartment. Steve went over there and found out that was true and it's not clear if it's legal for him to be there or not.
Shuli said that Eric the Midget claims that he was contacted by Steven Spielberg to appear in a movie. Howard said he thinks that it must be a prank. Howard did an impression of the guy who might call Eric as Steven Spielberg.
Shuli said that Eric is also wants to do a comedy show with Artie and he mentioned that on his Bucket List. Artie said he's thinking that he might let Eric do that appearance out in San Diego when he's out there. He and Shuli were talking about that earlier.
Howard had Jon Hein come in next with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list of subjects from today's show that they'll be discussing.
Steve Brandano from the Intern Show came in with his show preview. He said they'll be meeting the new interns. They have a special female intern guest coming in since they don't have any female interns this semester.
Robin read a story about a woman who died from drinking too much water during a radio contest. The trial is going on now and they're waiting for that case to end to find out if the company can be held responsible for the woman's death. The woman was playing in the ''Hold Your Wee for a Wii'' contest.''
Robin read about how restrictions have been eased on visits to Cuba. Howard said he wouldn't go there for any reason. He'd be afraid to go down there. He said that he'd probably get locked up down there. Robin said they have relaxed the restrictions on the number of times you can go there to visit.
Howard said he came up with a new radio contest ''Who can inhale the most asbestos.'' He said he has been holding in his pee for a couple of hours now and he might just die himself. Howard said he was going to go during the break after Kathy Griffin was in there but they ended up doing a photo shoot. Howard said Gary was holding the camera right up to his face too and he doesn't need that picture floating around.
Howard asked Gary where that picture is now. Gary said it'll probably be in Kathy's next book. Gary said that there was a big light behind him and he had to move in closer. Howard told him he should have moved him. Gary said he did move them. Howard said he took the picture first though. Artie said it'll probably end up on the cover of Kathy's next book.
Robin got back to her news and mentioned that today is 09/09/09. Howard said he knows that and that 3x9 is 27. He said that 2 plus 7 is 9 also. Robin said that today's date means a lot to numerologists too. Howard said last year was 08/08/08 but she didn't make a big deal out of that. Robin said she did too because it was her birthday and they did something big in Africa.
Robin said that there are a lot of things happening today on 09/09/09. There are supposed to be new iPods released today. She mentioned a bunch of other things that are happening on this day as well. Howard said that ''Noine'' is also Gary's profession life rating. He was referring to the ''take me back'' tape that Gary made for his girlfriend many years ago. Howard did an impression of Gary doing that tape and saying that his personal life was at a ''noine.'' It's also the tape where the ''Hello, hello'' clip came from.
Robin said that there is a man who is going to run across the country bare foot. She read that he's going to run 32,000 miles bare foot. He's raising money for programs for homeless people.
Howard played the audio of Gary's ''take me back'' tape where he talks to his girlfriend about his love life being a 2 and his professional life being at a ''noine.'' Howard goofed on everything Gary was saying in that tape.
Ralph called in and said that the problem with Gary is that he's not protecting Howard taking that picture. Gary said that Kathy asked him to take a picture and Howard said okay so he took it. He asked Ralph what he would do. Ralph would ask Jason to take the picture with the good camera. Howard thanked Ralph for that call.
Ralph also mentioned that his iPhone is working just fine unlike Howard's Blackberry. Howard said the iPhone woks fine with AT&T while his phone doesn't work right.
Howard said Ralph was right on the money with that comment. He got right back to the Gary tape and pointed out that he's his producer. He said maybe Jay Leno will hire him away too. Howard said he can't believe that Gary's girlfriend didn't marry him. Howard played more of the tape where Gary was explaining to his ex-girlfriend everything that was going on with him.
They sat through minutes of that but Howard was going to cut it off before he got to the ''noine'' thing. Howard had to play it until that part at least. He started the tape again and listened in to Gary's pleas to get her back. Howard said that this tape is constantly running on Howard TV for those of you who want to see it.
Howard goofed on Gary throughout the tape. Fred threw in some Baba Booey references and song parodies. Howard said he couldn't listen to this anymore. Fred told him he had to play it until the ''noine'' thing. Howard played more but he had to pause it to goof on him.
Ralph called in again and said that Gary had been trying to avoid this chick but as soon as he ran into her, he started to make this tape. He said he was planning out their whole life going to museums and stuff. He said this tape was the greatest thing ever.
Howard played more of the Gary tape and got to the point where he said that his professional life was at a ''noine.'' Howard had to play a lot of that tape to get there. At one point Gary joked about getting married and he stuttered on the word ''marriage.''
Artie said he forgot what an epic that tape was. Howard said he doesn't think that the girlfriend got through the whole thing. Robin said she probably watched every minute of it. Artie said that the $25,000 that they gave Gary for the tape wasn't nearly enough.
Howard took a call from Cyrus who asked if this attack on Gary was about Beth leaving or about the bad picture Gary took. Cyrus said that could have something to do with it. Another caller said that this ties into the Out Produce Gary thing because no one could out do him with this tape.
Howard played more of the tape and got to the part where Gary did his ''Booey Math'' talking about how many lovers and friends he had lost and gained. Howard said he wasn't able to keep up with that Booey Math. Then Gary said that his professional life was at a noine and his personal life is at a two.
Howard said Gary should have asked him if he thought that his professional life was at a noine. Howard did some more Booey Math in his Gary impression and goofed on him some more.
Howard had to back up the tape to the point where he talked about gaining and losing lovers and best friends. He had to figure out what the hell he was talking about.
Howard said he had to get back to the news. He said he didn't know what he was doing going over that tape for so long. Howard said it was all over a fuckin' picture that Gary took.
Fred told Howard he had to do spots too. Howard said he never would have played the tape if he knew that. He took a call from Angry Black who told Howard that he has to let Gary go. He said he had already gotten a TKO with Gary and he had to throw in the towel for Gary.
Howard said he's not sure why that set him off. He said he likes Gary. He really does feel he's the best producer. Howard asked Robin to do another news story.
Robin read more about the bare foot runner guy. She read that he's going to run from New York to California. Howard said this proves nothing by running bare foot. Howard said they have invented sneakers, there's no reason to run bare foot. He said it's like the Amish churning their own butter when you can just go buy it. Howard said this guy must be a jerk. Robin said he's going to be running through everything with those bare feet.
Howard said he's going to do anything to avoid having Gary come in there. He had Robin do some more news. Robin read a story about some guys who are taking Jet Blue up on their ''All you can Fly'' in a month thing. They're going to spend about 12 hours in each city that they fly to over a month.
Howard said when he got out of school he went right to work and there was no nonsense. Howard said no one sweats it now. Robin said the guys are trying to find sponsors to help pay for their trip.
Howard had to take a commercial break but he asked Gary not to come in there. He didn't want to feel guilty. Gary came in and said that he played solitaire while they were playing that tape. He turned his radio off so he didn't have to hear it.
Gary apologized for the picture thing and said that he figures that Artie probably said something about him and he forgives him for whatever he may have said. They had to go to break after that.
After the break Howard had Robin get right back to her news. Robin read a story about a Harlem man who won half of the $338 million lotto jackpot. Robin said that he's a worker at Madison Square Garden and he had just defaulted on a credit card so he will be able to pay that off now.
Robin had some news about John Goslin who was interviewed recently and said that he's unable to sit on the same sofa as his ex-wife. John said that she's not speaking from the heart and he thinks that she should be telling him the same stuff on TV that she does off camera.
Robin had some news about Walter Cronkite's tribute that's happening today. She had some audio of a guy talking about a couple of times he had met Walter. Howard said he wasn't able to understand what the guy was talking about the way he was talking in that announcer voice. Howard ended up doing an impression of that guy while he was playing the clip.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Walter Cronkite and some of the stuff Robin was talking about in that news report. Walter was apparently afraid that Dan Rather was going to take his job and feared that. Howard said that people are delusional. He said that guy was going to tell that story at his tribute. Howard said he hopes that no one tells stories like that at his funeral.
Robin had some news about the speech President Obama made to school students. She had some audio of some kids talking about what they learned from that. The kids said they learned to be responsible for themselves and things like that. Artie said it would have been funny of the kids said that they learned that they have to be communist.
Robin talked about Michael Vick making a couple of appearances at schools to tell the kids about what he did. Michael Vick told the kids that he chose to go the wrong way in his life and he was trying to keep them going in the right direction.
Robin had some news about Ted Kennedy which got Howard into his Kennedy impression. He spent a few minutes doing that while Robin covered that story.
Robin had some news about Ben Rothlesberger's court case. She also had some news about 9/11 and how they still have that empty hole where the World Trade Center once stood. She said that they're years behind schedule building that building out there.
Robin read a story about a guy who cut his own throat with a razor blade. He did that in court as closing arguments were about to get under way. They ended the show a short time later, right around 11:00am.
Jon asked Gary if it was worse hearing Ralph call in about his producing or the tape. Gary said that the tape is worse than Ralph. He said he thought Ralph was going to call in and say that he shouldn't let Kathy take a picture. Gary said there is no way that he can stop someone from doing something like that. Gary said that Kathy is going to want to take the picture with her camera so she can leave with it right away.
Gary said he hates hearing that tape so he turned off the show and played some tunes on iTunes. He said he could hear JD hooting in his office while Howard was playing the tape.
JD said he thought Howard was being funny during that segment. He said he loves when Howard imitates Howard. He said he thinks it's funny.
Gary said he laughs when Howard goofs on JD too so that's fair. JD said he loves when Howard does that with Gary and when he smacks his lips like Gary does.
Gary said that hearing the tape is horrible. He said he feels like a douche when he hears it. He said he thought it was worth the money at the time but it really wasn't. He said that money was half the remodeling of his kitchen at the time. He doesn't even live there anymore.
Gary said that Robin Radzinski, from E!, pointed out that the tape was all about him and it was the worst tape ever. He said she was right about that.
Gary said he feels like he's standing out in the middle of the road naked whenever they play that tape. He thinks that he made it in 1987. Benjy asked if he ever heard back from her. Gary said he did but they ended it not long after that. He said they got back together for a short period of time but the relationship just died a natural death after that.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Howard's apology was acceptable. Gary said he didn't hear what Howard said so he's not sure. He said he did hear that Artie was pretty quiet during that tape so he appreciates that.
Gary said he hates the way he said ''noine'' in that tape and he doesn't do it anymore. He said that he was living out on Long Island at the time and that's where the accent came from.
Fred was in and said that Gary's accent was really bad back then and it came out on the air quite often. Gary said he thinks it went away naturally once he moved away from Long Island.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he can't believe the way Gary gets beat up on. He said today was really rough. Gary said he figured that Sal was going to come out in an outfit to goof on him but he never did show up.
The caller said he thought that one of the guys they were goofing on in the news sounded similar to Sal's character. He wondered if they thought that as well. No one really had anything to say about it so Jon moved on.
Another caller asked Gary if the tape or his Mets pitch were the worst things he ever done. Gary said he'd have to pick the tape as being worse.
Another caller said he thought Howard's apology was a bit insincere. He said it's like when Howard says he likes Gange. Gary said he thinks that Howard likes him based on the beatings.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary to say today's date in his old accent. Gary did that as ''Noine, noine, oh noine.''
The caller asked Gary if he could get someone like Imus to call in for the contest they're running. Gary said that's someone they could take but they're trying to find people that they usually can't get.
Gary said he got two calls about Dustin Hoffman and maybe Justin Timberlake. Gary said he thinks that Dustin Hoffman would be the bigger get but it's a tough call. Fred said it really is tough and it might actually be Justin Timberlake.
Gary said that Justin already had ground rules so he may not have much of anything to say. Fred wasn't thinking that Dustin would be that forthcoming either.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Gary has to stop sweating that tape. He said that every guy has done something stupid like that and we've all made asses of ourselves. Gary said he knows that guys have done that stuff but his is public. The caller said he was listening to the tape and every time he hears it, some memory pops back into his head about how he made an ass of himself.
Gary said that he was young back when he made that tape. He said that he looks back on it and it was really nothing. At the time it was the most important thing to him. He was talking marriage in that tape. Gary said he wasn't positive that she was going to nibble on that. He said he's not sure what he would have done if she had said yes to marriage.
Jon played a clip of Kathy talking about how attracted to Fred she is. After playing that clip Fred said that he knew that Howard was going to go to that and tell Kathy that he was weird. He said it was old news and he doesn't know if Howard really thinks that he's weird or not.
Gary said that you can't think about Howard thinking you're weird. you just have to move ahead and not think about it.
Benjy asked Fred if he would go out with Kathy if he was single. Fred said that she'd talk about everything and he's not sure he could do that. Gary said that she's really not Fred's type. Fred said that she is a ''chatty broad'' as Ralph would put it. Fred said that he doesn't think that it's really true anyway.
Jon brought up the stuff Kathy was talking about with her brother being a pedophile. Gary said it didn't sound like a normal brother and sister relationship since they were 20 years apart. Gary said that Kathy saw that it was important to get the guy off the street and that's why she tried to stop him by calling the cops.
Fred said that he thought that Kathy went to the Fred punch line during her interview today and he doesn't believe that whole thing was real.
Jon asked the guys about some of the other stuff they were talking about in that interview. They talked about the Seinfeld incident and some of the guys thought that she was out of line asking Seinfeld for his autograph on the set of the show.
Gary was thinking that they should do a hidden camera thing where they ask Kathy to write a note or autograph something for them to see what her reaction is.
Jon took a call from a guy who mentioned that they could get that guy Constantine on the show for that contest they're running. Gary said that he doesn't think he fits the bill for the contest. They're looking for a guest that they could never get. Gary said that Constantine was on American Idol and now he's in Rock of Ages and he doesn't think that he quite fits the bill.
Another caller said that they were talking about that Beatles tribute album this morning. He said that there's another one where they do an all reggae version of Sgt. Peppers. He said its' actually very good. Gary said he's not sure he could listen to that the same way he could listen to the original. The caller said it's good for listening to next to the pool.
The guys spent a little time talking about the Beatles and how they're still relevant. Gary pointed out that The Beatles Rock Band just came out today so the kids still care about them. They had to go to break a short time later.
Sal said he had forgotten about that song and he found it while going through his archives. He said he has a lot of songs from his childhood in those archives.
Jon asked Sal if he thinks he's a good rapper. Sal said it makes him cringe now but he thought he was good back then. Sal said he really thought he was great back then too.
Gary asked Sal if he thinks that he was better than Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Sal said that with the amount of money Marky Mark made, he's better.
Gary asked Sal about some of the lyrics in the song and asked what he was thinking. Sal said he now knows that they were kind of contradictory to what was going on so they weren't all that bright. Sal said that he was about 20 when he made those songs and he spent a lot of money working on that song.
Fred said that Sal made that song for $700 and someone pointed out that Nirvana made their whole album for that much.
Jon asked Sal about the pee porn that they were talking about this morning. Sal said that he likes this particular site that he goes to because the women seem to be totally into it. He said that there are some sites that feel forced. He said some of the women seem to enjoy it at this site he goes to.
Jon asked Sal about the recording that Richard made of him talking about those piss videos. Sal said that he encouraged him to talk by standing behind him and he normally wouldn't do that. Sal said he was a little upset with Richard for taping him. He asked him not to play it for him because he knew that some of the lines were weird.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Sal about his ''retarded hotness'' statement. Sal said he was just saying that some girls look kind of weird when they get into stuff and he didn't mean it in a real retarded way. He said it was a ''retarded euphoria'' kind of thing.
The caller asked Sal if he knows what happened in his life that makes him into this pee porn stuff. He said that it's a degrading of women. Sal said he's not into bondage or anything though. Gary said that the guy is saying that Sal wants these women to be dirty whores. Sal said he's kind of into that and he likes wild, crazy sex. He doesn't like guys hurting women though. He said that stuff turns him off. He said the peeing is the one fetish he has that turns him on.
Benjy asked the caller what's wrong with him being into that. The caller said he's just wondering what it is that got Sal into that. Gary said he can always depend on Benjy to defend something like that. Benjy said that this is one of the most common fantasies for men and women to have.
Gary asked Benjy if he has ever been pissed on. Benjy said one girl did it but she said it was just a joke. Benjy said it would turn him on if the chick was turned on by it. He said that seeing the porn wouldn't turn him on.
Sal said that he's not a pee person himself, he just likes to watch. He said he wouldn't like to see anyone do that to his wife though. Gary said that Sal is a Voyeur then. Sal said that's what he is and he's not sure that he'd like to see it live. He said that the smell and the mess would be atrocious. He has no desire to do it live.
Jon asked Sal about being into pee cams. Sal said that he has seen that stuff but he's really not into it. He said they're all staged and bullshit and he doesn't think they're real. Sal said that they're wrong if they're actually doing that without a girl's consent.
Jon took one last call from a guy who said he had an idea for the Out Produce Gary contest. He thinks that they should get Jay Leno on the show. Gary told him to get it together and the 5 grand is all his. The caller just said ''I wish...'' They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about something wonderful that had happened in his life. He said it's really major for him but he knows people are going to make fun of him for it. He said that he has been disturbed for years about deodorants having aluminum in them. He said he used something called Secret or Dry Secret or something like that. He said he wanted to tell Robin this but she was already making fun of him.
Howard said he had read years ago that rubbing this deodorant on your arms that it might cause Alzheimers. He said that putting aluminum next to your skin doesn't sound right. He doesn't have any facts about it but that's what people have told him. Howard said aluminum is a metal and he's not sure if it's natural or what. Robin said it's one of the elements. Howard said it's crazy stuff.
Howard said every morning he'd rub the deodorant on his arm and think it was killing him. Beth would even tell him that something is going to kill him so he can't think like that. Howard said he tried many different deodorants without aluminum in them.
Howard tried Tom's deodorant a few weeks ago and he brought it to the gym with him. He said it was a horrible experience for him. He said he tried a different one and it left a stickiness under his arms. He said that this Tom's stuff was so sticky and wet that he just went back to the aluminum stuff. He said it can't be right to be absorbing that stuff into his skin though.
Howard said he tried the Tom's stuff and he was miserable. He said Beth told him to just wash it off and put on the old stuff. Howard said he's sorry about the Tom's people but their stuff didn't work for him. He said it made him all itchy and sweaty so he can't use it. He said it was a hideous experience.
Howard said he was talking to a woman by the name of Avis Richards and she's a friend of his. He said she is a saint and he noticed that she was kind of a natural person and her under arms looked clean and shaved. He asked her what she uses for deodorant. She told him that she doesn't use aluminum. She uses this stuff called Nature's Gate Spring Fresh Deodorant. He said she told him it doesn't have aluminum in it.
Howard got some of this Spring Fresh roll on. He hates the stick stuff so he got the roll on. His assistant bought some for him. Howard went on to say that he got it, brought it to the gym and put it on and it works just like his old stuff but doesn't have aluminum in it. Howard said he slept with it on and he hasn't showered today and it's working great. He said he has to give them an endorsement. He said the stuff works great.
Howard said this stuff works so great that it's making him happy. He said that he put it on yesterday and in two hours he couldn't believe he wasn't itchy. Howard said he's still fresh and aluminum free. He said that it may last up to 24 hours and that would be amazing to him. Howard said he's as happy as a clam.
Howard said he hopes that this company is supported by the fans so they stick around. Howard told Robin to go buy some so she has it around too.
Howard said there are people who they call ''pushers'' that don't have anything to do with drugs. He said that Tim Sabean is one of those people. He was going to talk about something but ended up getting sidetracked.
Howard said most of the email he gets have song parodies about Robin's boobs. He said one of them was from Mike Morse. He played that one and it was a parody of the Kings of Leon song that he played last week. Howard played that one for Robin and she told Mike to get a life. Howard said that song makes Robin seem very sexual.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him to get over the aluminum thing and maybe spend some time with his wife and some other people. Howard told the guy to get off his phone and leave him alone. Howard said this deodorant changed his life.
Howard got back to Tim Sabean and said he was going through his mail where he had songs about Robin's titties and cooch. He said he saw an email from Tim that said that Matt Damon was dead. Howard read that he was found dead on Wednesday so he told Beth about it. Howard said TMZ was reporting this news. Howard said that the cause of death was unknown.
Howard read through the article and then Beth went on TMZ to see if it was there. Howard said she looked all over and there was no news like this. Howard said that Tim didn't bother researching the story, he just forwarded the mail to everyone. Howard said that you'd think that you'd go on TMZ to see if it was legitimate. Howard said that Tim pushed his email into his email without researching it and it turns out to be fake.
Howard said you'd think that Tim would check it out before forwarding it. Howard said he just pushes his mail to everyone and it's just filling his email with junk. Howard said he felt sad for the guy when he read this and it turns out to be fake.
Yucko the Clown called in and told Howard not to worry about the aluminum and polyurethane. He said that he should worry about the black shit he inhaled that turned him into a prawn like the things in ''District 9.'' Howard said he's right about that look. He said that's what he looked like in the picture with Kathy Griffin. Howard said he saw himself and he sees this tall, heinous looking person. Howard said the pictures don't lie.
Howard said he doesn't look healthy or good in those pictures. Yucko said he needs to eat something. Howard said when he does that he gets titties and a belly.
Howard said he was in the gym lifting like 135 pounds and he wasn't able to do more than 3 or 4 lifts. He said he was grunting like it was 500 pounds. He said he was glad that there were no women around to see him doing that.
Howard said Tim Sabean just twittered that Michael Jackson came back to life and told everyone about that. Artie asked if he went on the air with the Danny DeVito news that he was dead in 9/11. Howard said he didn't do that. He figured it out before he went on the air.
Howard said Tim has to stop being a pusher and do some research before he emails those stories out. Howard said the up part of going to the gym was that this new deodorant worked.
Howard said he can do pull-ups on the bar they have in the studio but he doesn't have a lot of strength in his upper chest. He said he really is like a large prawn. He said he's all hunched over like a money lender. Robin told him to do some stretches to loosen up. Howard said he hates stretching out. He fakes it at the gym. Howard said maybe it was the polyurethane that weakened him.
Artie said that Matt Damon is the lead guest on Letterman tonight and that might be a clue to Tim that he's nowhere near a desert like the email said. Howard said he can't imagine the guy being 38 and wanting to go out to the desert to find treasure. Robin said that there was someone like that in the news but they just changed the story to be Matt Damon.
Howard said that the show has gotten so popular that Ellen wants to join it. Howard said this show has jumped the shark. He said that she's so milk toast that she won't have an opinion and she'll be nice to everyone. Robin wondered if she's going to stutter her answers like she does on her own show. Howard said she will and he has proof.
Howard had audio of Ellen as a guest judge on Dancing with the Stars and she made the whole thing about herself. Howard played that clip and Ellen was saying she could do what they did and then she made some jokes about herself. Howard said it's going to be shtick when she does this on Idol. Howard said this is going to be like Dennis Miller being on NFL football. He said that Dennis made references that were way above the heads of the audience. That's what Ellen is going to be like on Idol.
Howard said he hated Family Feud when Richard Dawson started to kiss the women on the show. He said he was making it all about himself too. Howard played some more of the Dancing with the Stars clip and Ellen jokes about everything. She said she just wanted to come there to sit in the good seats and didn't have an opinion about it.
Howard said this is a disaster and they have jumped the shark at American Idol. Robin said she's happy about this because they're finally going to kill the show and now they'll go away. She's wanted that to happen for a long time now.
Howard said Ellen makes it all about herself. He said that he would never do that himself. Howard said he would tell the contestant if they were horrible or terrific. Howard said he understands the game.
Howard had another example of Ellen ''judging'' on Dancing with the Stars. In that one Ellen disagreed with Nigel on his views. Ellen then turned it to herself again and made some more jokes. Howard said she has to calm down with that nonsense.
Howard played another example and Ellen was saying that she loved the face and eyes of the contestant she was talking to. Howard said she just goes on and on with that.
Howard said they were thinking about bringing Taylor Dane on that show and that would have made more sense to him. Howard said she was a singer at least.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ellen doesn't know anything about music and you'd think that they'd bring someone in who knows about music. Howard said she doesn't know anything about music. Howard said Simon knows music and Randy knows music but Ellen doesn't know anything. He said this is silly and he has to talk about something else.
Howard knew so little about sports that he didn't know the Rays were a baseball team. Howard wondered what a ray was and what the team is named after. Gary said it's a fish.
Howard said he was talking about what bullshit the Radio Hall of Fame was. He said it was just a guy in Chicago who runs the hall of fame and it means nothing. Howard said the guy decided to start it himself and the whole thing fell apart when he tried to get a building to put he hall of fame in.
Howard said that Wendy Williams cried when they called her with the award. Howard said this guy Craig made up an award of his own and put him into the Craig's Radio Hall of Fame. Howard said he loved that. He said it's just as valid as being in Bruce's Radio Hall of Fame.
Howard said during this Devil Rays game the announcer mentions the Craig's Radio Hall of Fame. Howard said it was pretty funny. In the clip the announcer says that his co-host is working on getting into that Craig's Radio Hall of Fame. They joked about that for a short time. They said that they really wanted to be in that Craig's Radio Hall of Fame and even joked about some of the lines that Craig had written when he sent the award to Howard recently. Howard said this is going to be big.
Howard said that every baseball game should be called like that. the guys were calling the game and referring to the radio hall of fame thing. That led to Artie doing an impression of the announcer talking about the show and throwing in the baseball game calls.
JD came in and said that the announcer has mentioned the show before. He had a couple of examples for him to play. Howard found those and played one where the guy referred to a couple of things from the show. He said ''Mantra and Yantra equals Tantra.'' The co-host had no idea what he was referring to.
Howard did some of the announcing himself. He was calling the game and making references to some of the stuff that has been on the show lately.
Howard played another clip where that baseball announcer refers to George Takei. The guy brought up George Takei's bachelor party that was on the Stern Show. He doesn't refer to the show directly.
Howard said he loves when they talk to JD on the Wrap Up Show. He played a clip from yesterday's show where they were asking him about doing something embarrassing. JD was talking about how he hasn't been in relationships or anything and he's never had to do a tape like Gary did. JD said he had written some notes in school though. Howard said he'd love to see those notes.
Howard said he was looking at this guy DJ AM and he looks like JD. Howard said that guy was getting all kinds of pussy and JD isn't. Howard said it's all about JD's attitude. Howard said JD has a cool job and he has access to a lot of cool events. Howard said he has to dress better and carry himself better. JD said he's not a social person. Howard said chicks aren't going to do him if he talks the way he talks.
Howard was doing an impression of JD and he didn't like it. JD said he doesn't talk the way they're making it sound. Howard and Fred both did their impressions and told him that he does talk like that. Howard said he even gave JD a cool name by calling him JD. He hasn't even done anything with that.
Howard played the clip of the 10 year old calling the Mets game. Howard liked it and said he'd like to have the kid on the show. Howard said he's not sure his parents would want to do that though. He said the kid looked like he might be Indian or something.
Howard made up a conversation with the parents and how that might go. He said he thought the kid was terrific. He told Gary that he wasn't fumfering or anything when he was in there. Howard said that kid speaks better at 10 than JD does at 30.
Howard played some more of the 10 year old calling the game and he said that he was just as good as the announcers. He said that must be what bothered them.
Howard said he can imagine why no one would want to listen to the kid all the time during a game like that but he was good. Howard said he can imagine the degenerate gamblers getting upset about that.
Howard said the kid did a good job. They talked about the way the announcers were talking down to the kid but Howard said they should be coming up with new ideas like the kid had. He said the kid was terrific.
Howard played a little more audio of the kid talking about how he listens to them every day and he wants to be just like them. Howard said the kid had his own thing talking about the sandwich play. Howard said he didn't sound that good at that kid's age.
Howard said that kid's parents may have been more supportive of him than his were. Howard said he was Batman fighting Music Man at 10. He was referring to a tape he made around that age. Howard said he was on to something at the time. Howard had to play all of the voices in the tape because no one else was available. Howard said he played Batman, Robin, the sound effects, Music Man and more. He played that tape a short time later. Howard was creating a whole story about Batman and Robin and making up all of the sounds. He was making up the sounds for the Batmobile and then he'd go into the Batman and Robin voices. He also made up the character Slargo and made the fight sounds while he played some sound effects in the background. Music Man was attacking them and he played a high note on some instrument as the sound effect. He also said ''Holy Gazookas!'' in that story.
Howard said Music Man apparently had a very cheap shit organ that his father bought for him. Howard said it was actually an accordion that was on a flat stand. Howard said his father gave it to him like it was an electric organ. Howard said he told his dad that it wasn't what he wanted and that it was just an accordion. He figured he should be getting laid any day now.
Howard said he was reading the book ''Outlyers'' and it's pretty good. Howard said Mark Cronin got him a copy after Greg Fitzsimmons mentioned it on the show.
Howard said TV executives do this to people all the time. Howard said they have a show on there now with Antonio Sabato Jr. He said that Antonio dates all kinds of women in the show. He said it's great. Howard said that the women are fighting over him and you're not even sure why. Gary said that two of the women coming in today for the strongest woman thing are from that show.
Howard said that VH1 should go ahead and take all of those shows off the air. He said he may have to start his own network to play all of them.
Howard said he's excited about this new Vampire show. He said all of the reviews are good and he'll be watching. Robin was wondering about it. Howard said it's hot high school chicks falling for vampires. He said that's the kind of stuff he likes.
Howard said he's waiting to see this new vampire movie they mentioned yesterday. Howard said he likes the premise for the movie but Robin said that it's stupid if you think about it. Howard told her not to go see it then.
Howard said he loves vampires but Robin didn't think he was that into them. Howard said he has been into them for a long time. He said he loves that they have all of these Vampire things coming out and all of the super hero movies. Howard said that's what he lived to see.
Howard and Robin talked about Disney buying DC Comics and how they could ruin the franchises if they do things wrong. Howard said they'll have to wait and see what happens.
Howard said he had to take a break but they have the World's Strongest Naked Woman contest coming up. He showed Robin the graphics the Howard TV guys had worked up. Robin said it looked like something from the 1950s. Howard said that one of them might be from Craig's Radio Hall of Fame. Howard said he's happy when they get anything semi-professional up there. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back from break and said he was listening to George Foreman talking about President Obama's speech. Howard said George could end up fighting tomorrow for all they know. Howard said a congressman got up and yelled out that the President lies in the middle of his speech. Howard said that they're just not respecting this guy. Howard said that's just not right.
Howard played a clip from the speech where the guy gets up and starts yelling out that he's lying. Howard said the congressman has issued an apology. Howard said it's wild what's going on.
Howard said George Foreman was on FOX news talking about the speech so he played some audio of that. George was talking about the scare tactics that the government uses. He said he thinks that this is what the government is doing now with the health care. George wasn't really answering the question he was being asked. Howard said that guy is really out there. Howard said he loves his grill though.
Robin said George was trying to explain that the reason we have a space program is because it was a reaction to the Russians launching Sputnik. Artie said he was just yelling out random stuff instead.
The caller was worried that they're going to cast these movies with bad people in them. Howard said they know that they're going to mess up the franchise if they put in jokie type actors. He said they need to cast serious actors.
The caller said he didn't like Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane in Spider-Man. Howard agreed with him on that. Howard said she's supposed to be a model, not just an actress. Howard said she was so hot as a cartoon that he used to jerk off to her.
The caller told Howard that Gary had to go downstairs to get some toothpicks one time and he got some of those plastic sword things. The caller said Howard asked Gary why he didn't get regular toothpicks and Gary said that they don't make them anymore. He said that was his favorite story.
Howard said he asked Ralph to get him a jacket and he ordered it in the wrong size. Howard said Ralph claimed it was the only size it came in. Then he found out that Beth had actually ordered one for him in the right size and he was wearing it the next day. Howard said he doesn't ask Ralph to do that much and that's his whole job to find him clothes.
Steve Brandano came in and told Howard about this Green Lantern cartoon that he had mentioned. Howard said he couldn't watch it with Beth. He tried but they had to rent a movie instead. He said it was ''Confessions of a Shopaholoic'' and it was awful. He said that they didn't last through that at all. Howard said he likes a romance movie once in a while but that one was just awful. Howard said that movie was just horrible.
Howard told Steve Brandano not to go anywhere, he wanted to look at him. Steve said he already told him what he was in there for. He said he had that Green Lantern thing on Blu-ray for him if he wanted to borrow it. Howard told him to bring it in.
Howard said that NBC is showing how desperate they are with this new Jay Leno show. Howard said they must be in a panic over there about that show. He said he's never seen them promote a show so much. They do it every break and over America's Got Talent during the show.
Howard asked Fred and Artie if they think the show will fail. Fred said he thinks it will because it's like anti-TV. Artie said he thinks it will fail too.
Robin said she thinks that the show will fail too. She had to think about it for a minute. She said that she thinks that it will fail though. Robin had a lot of thoughts in her head so Fred and Howard did their impressions of what she might be thinking about.
Howard said that it will fail too. Gary came in and said he thinks the show will be successful. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was in the market and he got bombarded with a commercial for Leno's show in the supermarket. Howard said if that show fails they can't say it was about the marketing. Howard said the commercials all show that the bits they're going to be doing all fall flat.
Howard thanked Lisa for that and let her go since he had to get to this World's Strongest Naked Woman contest.
Howard said that the girls were going to come in naked. Howard was giving them a lot of ''Wow!'' as they all came in naked. Howard told all three that they were hot. Howard told them not to be shy since they had seen it a million times. Howard spoke to Anju McIntyre first and said that she was one of the girls on the Antonio Sabato Jr. show. She said that she was on there for just a short time. Howard said he though she was on a long time. Howard asked her what the deal was with him.
One of the other girls was on that show as well. Howard spoke to her about it. She was laughing through the conversation. Howard found out that the girls hate each other. They can't even be in the same green room together. Anju and this other girl didn't get along very well on the show. They were insulting each other and telling each other to shut the fuck up. They were threatening to beat each other up too. Sarah was the other one who was going off on Anju. Howard wasn't sure who she was until around that time.
Howard said he likes that women fight with each other like that. Howard said he'd want them on the show if he were Antonio Sabato Jr. Anju said that she had to leave the show because she didn't like it. Sarah said that she wasn't surprised that she did that.
Howard said he wanted to talk to Jade as well. She was in the middle of the two and had to listen to all of the fighting. Howard said it was getting out of hand. Howard was looking forward to them battling it out in the competition.
Howard got back to Anju and said that her name is very unique. Sarah laughed when she heard that. Howard asked her why she was laughing. Sarah said she was calling her ''An-who'' when she heard that name on the show. Howard asked Sarah if she doesn't like women of color. Sarah said it wasn't about that. She said she thinks that Anju is funny. Howard said he didn't see the humor in it.
Howard said he doesn't think he can help Anju and Sarah get along. Howard asked Sarah if she has this reaction to other women too.
Sarah was laughing every time Howard said Anju's name. She was cracking everyone else up whenever she'd laugh. Howard said that Anju is a very different name. Sarah laughed her ass off every time he said it though. Howard said she's very beautiful and Sarah agreed with him on that. She thought that Anju left because she was insecure.
Howard said that Anju is a dominatrix. He didn't get to ask her about that because the girls were starting to fight again. Howard asked Sarah to let Anju do her thing.
Anju and Sarah went back and forth about that stuff and Howard said it seems that Sarah just looked at Anju and didn't like her. Sarah said that Anju seems to be very gangster to her and she doesn't like it. Howard said Sarah seems to be the type of girl who pulls pigtails on other girls just to piss them off. Howard said maybe Sarah is attracted to her and asked if they would ever kiss. Anju said that she can kiss her ass. Howard said they should have a side bet on that.
Howard asked Anju about something in her notes about a guy paying her to watch him shove hot dogs up his ass. She said that she did get paid to do that but Sarah was sighing as if she was just bored hearing this stuff. Howard asked her if she wishes she was dead. Sarah said it's not that bad.
Anju told Sarah to stop looking at her. Sarah said she wasn't going to stop. Howard tried to ask Anju some more questions and found out she gets along with women most of the time and it's very weird that she can't get along with this one girl.
Howard asked Jade about being caught in the middle of all of this. Howard said she must be shocked to be in the middle of it all. Jade said it is pretty funny. She said that she thought that it was odd how one was very intellectual and the other was just giggling. Howard said the girls seem to be teaming up on Sarah.
Howard said that Jade is gorgeous and her body seems to be perfect. Howard said that Jade has also been a Dominatrix. Sarah said that she thought Jade was cute but she sighed when she heard that she was a dominatrix. She kept interrupting the whole thing.
Howard said that Jade had a guy she was seeing and he became obsessed with her. Howard said he remembers reading about this guy. He kidnapped her and her boyfriend. Jade said that the guy actually shot her boyfriend and kidnapped her and then he shot himself. Jade said that her boyfriend didn't survive.
Jade said she had known the guy she was dating for 10 years or so and now she has to go to therapy for it. Howard asked how the guy didn't kill her. Jade said she thought she was going to die. She doesn't know why he let her live.
Jade said the guy was a psychopath and there was no telling what he was going to do. Howard asked if she begged or pleaded with him. She told him that he should just kill her and get it over with. She said that didn't really work because he drove around with her for the next 5 hours with a gun to her head.
Howard read that Jade was working to get a PHD in engineering and she dropped out to be a dominatrix. She said she actually dropped out to be a model. Howard said she was in the University of Pennsylvania and that can't be easy to get into. She said that she had other interests too.
Howard moved on to Sarah and asked her if she would sleep with Jade. She said she would. She thought she was cool.
Howard asked Jade if she's still a dominatrix. She said she's doing modeling now and she has a new web site at JadeVixen.com
Howard asked Sarah if she works out a lot. She said she hasn't in the past couple of months but she still thinks she can win. Howard asked her about the Antonio Sabato show and why she left. She said she left because she found the other girls to be fake. She said that she didn't get paid to be on the show while other girls did. Anju said she didn't get paid.
Howard asked Sarah what she does for a living. She was a stripper until a couple of months ago. She had her boobs made smaller so she had to stop for a while. She's had her boobs done 3 times now. Howard asked why she had a scar. Sarah said that the first doctor did them under her boobs so that's why they're under there. She's very happy with the size now.
Howard asked if she'll go back to stripping when she heals. She said she might. Howard asked her about hooking up with other girls. Sarah did that the first time when she was 20. Howard read that she likes to drink a lot too. She said she really does.
Howard said they were going to move on to the competition now. Howard said that you can check out Anju in the latest issue of Penthouse magazine. Sarah said ''Eww!'' when she heard that. Anju said she heard that she's trying to get into that magazine. Sarah told her to mind her own business.
Howard asked Sarah if she had ever been in a magazine. She hadn't so Howard told her she has to give that to Anju.
Howard said that you can see Jade Vixen in February's issue of Penthouse too. Jade said she didn't even know what issue she was going to be in. Sarah said that she's on Facebook. She said that her name is Sarah April Haeussler on there.
Howard moved on to the competition where the girls had to do push-ups. Richie Wilson was in the studio and held his fists under their chests. They had to touch the fist to count for one. Anju went first and got 3 push-ups.
Jade was up next. Howard had her do her push-ups. She got 10. She said she was surprised that she was able to do that because she doesn't even work out that much at the gym.
Howard said that Sarah was up next and she was busy giggling over there. He said it was time to put up. They had to give her 0 because she wasn't touching Richie's fist. She said they were girl push-ups but the other girls had done them right. She asked how to do them. The girls showed her how to do it and she tried again but still got zero point zero.
Sarah said she didn't know what had gone wrong. Artie told her that she was acting crazy. Howard said he thought she was going to come out of the box and knock them right out.
Howard had Anju do some pull-ups next. Howard said she doesn't seem to be thrown off by the fighting. Anju did her pull-ups and got two.
Jade got up next and did two as well. She said she doesn't work out at all and just runs. Howard said that she did great with the push-ups. She wasn't sure where that came from but it may have been the espressos she had this morning.
Howard said Sarah wasn't going to be able to do the pull-ups because of the surgery. Howard said the winner was clearly Jade. Howard said she was the winner and she was very fit. She was 105 pounds and 5'5'' tall. Artie said he couldn't imagine who was second.
Howard said he had $711 for the winner courtesy of 7-Eleven. Jade sounded very excited about that. Anju came in second and Howard said he didn't know that the two of them hated each other so much. He said it worked out perfectly though. He gave her $500 cash and a gift certificate to Steven Singer Jewelers. Sarah was making fun of her big lips for some reason. She was referring to her vagina lips. Howard said she had a beautiful vagina.
Sarah said she didn't like her own lips. Howard wasn't sure why she'd make fun of Anju's if she didn't even like her own. Howard gave her a $500 prize as well. He said he'd keep his eye out for her on Facebook. Anju said that he should watch for her on America's Most Wanted too.
Howard asked the girls if they think they'd ever get along. They didn't think that would ever happen. Howard was hoping that they'd kiss by the end of this but they weren't going to do that. Jade said that Sarah should be kissing Anju's ass.
Howard told Sarah to say something nice to Anju. Sarah said that she missed her and she wasn't sure if she was okay when she went out on the boat and didn't come back. Anju said she was just putting that on. Sarah ran out of there after that. Howard said that was odd and it must have been tough for Anju to be on that show with Sarah. Howard said it must have been one of the most trying times for her. She said it was.
Howard asked Anju not to beat up Sarah outside of the show. Howard told her to save it for the show. He said they could do a boxing match or something there.
Howard thanked the girls for coming in and wrapped up with them a short time later. Howard said he's never seen more competition and jealousy. Artie said he liked it at the end when Sarah was just rambling on about the boat and ran out of there. Howard said he could listen to them fight all day. Robin said they don't want them fighting out in the hall though. She said she wanted to rip her hears out hearing that stuff.
Howard took a call from Cyrus who asked if Ronnie was ready to spring into action. Howard said Ronnie had his hands around Anju's waist the whole time. He had a good day in there. Artie said that Ronnie was also shorter than all of the girls.
Howard said he thinks that they have a winner of a show for Howard TV. Howard and Robin talked about how Sarah was dancing around like she had to pee or something.
Howard took some more calls and the guys were saying that they thought it was a lot of fun. Wheels wanted him to bring the girls back in and get them on the Sybian. Howard said it was getting very heated in there and they had to move along. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he had to play this clip. It was Ellis Lankster from the Buffalo Bills. Howard said they brought him out to be interviewed and he had trouble speaking. Howard played the audio and a reporter asked him what had gone on during the game and Ellis had trouble getting the words out. He said ''I just like uhm'' about 10 times in a row and wasn't able to get his thoughts out. Howard laughed when he heard it and earlier in the show he said that it sounded doctored but it wasn't. Then they ask him more questions and he does the ''like uhm'' thing over and over again. Howard said he swears he didn't touch that tape. He said the guy must have some kind of stutter or something.
Sandra brought up the tennis games that were on yesterday and talked about that with Robin. Robin had watched all of that so she knew what she was talking about. Sandra said that this one girl had her family there and they were all wearing ''Believe'' t-shirts. She aid that they should just stop with that already.
Howard said that he didn't know Sandra was into sports like that. He asked her if she heard the fight going on in the studio before she got there. She missed that but heard about it.
Sandra said that she wants to know about those Cialis commercials where they say that a guy could get a hard on for like 36 hours. She said she wants to know what's up with the commercials where the guy is in a bathtub out in the woods. She found that very strange. She also wondered what's up with guys having so many penis problems. She said there is a lot of penial dysfunction out there.
Sandra brought up the Obama speech and said she liked how he had to skirt around the abortion thing during that speech. She was also going off on Kate Gosslin for getting more work than she does just because she has 8 kids. Sandra said she's begging for work and this chick is getting work no problem.
Howard said Sandra is very entertaining and he knows what she's talking about. This Kate woman is nothing. Howard said he's never even seen the show. Sandra said the show is a celebration of mediocrity.
Howard asked Sandra about her kid and how she has to leave her behind when she goes to work. Sandra said she has a new puppy too. She said that she just adopted her from the North Shore Animal League and the dog is great. Howard said she did the right thing going there to get the dog. Howard said Sandra has to go out on the road for 2 weeks to work and she cries when she leaves because she has to leave her family behind. Sandra said that this Kate Gosslin gets to stay home and gets paid to do that.
Sandra said that she has written a bunch of shows over the past few years and they don't get picked up because of this reality TV fascination. She said that she had a show where she was going to play herself and didn't want to sell out and would end up being out in L.A. and selling out to do a show she didn't want to be on. She said that show and another show she came up with just didn't get picked up.
Howard said he was thinking about Sandra the other day. He said she told a story about her father, who was a proctologist, where he examined her anus. Howard said he is very fond of Sandra and he doesn't understand why a man would do something like that to his daughter. Sandra said that a medical person isn't supposed to take care of their own kid. She thinks that it's not quite right.
Howard asked Sandra what she was wearing that day. She said she was in a gown and her mother was there. She said she has a bit of an irritable bowel so that's why she was doing this. She said that she uses all kinds of stuff back there to make sure she doesn't get hemorrhoids though.
Sandra said her father gave her a short scope up her butt. She said that he once tried to sue her for talking about him in public. Sandra said that it's her life so she can talk about it and that's what she told him.
Sandra said that she talked about her father delivering a baby and he got upset with her for talking about that even though it was true.
Sandra said that she has an 11 year old and she never took her temperature rectally or anything like that. Howard said his mother did that when he was a kid and she told him she did it because it was more accurate... by 1 degree. Howard said he's not sure why that one degree matters.
Howard told Sandra he had Kathy Griffin in there yesterday. Sandra responded with ''Oh god...'' Sandra said that Kathy loves her ass. She said that Kathy has done the same kind of act as she does but she layers her own stuff and Kathy doesn't do that. Sandra said that Kathy does that shrieking thing and it's the same thing every god damn time. Sandra said that she does new material in her shows that she writes and she doesn't just keep doing the same stuff.
Howard said he remembers Sandra going on stage and talking about her friendships with people like Madonna and she did kind of break ground on that. Sandra said that's what she's saying. She said that Kathy is a fine person but she wants her to do something of her own. She said she's only angry because she can do better things with money than most of these people. She said she'd probably just spend it on herself actually.
Howard said Sandra is a household name. He said that she's been on a lot of shows and movies and she should have a lot of money based on that. Sandra said that she has to work and she's not a multi-millionaire. She said she has to make money right now so she doesn't have to work the rest of her life like Joan Rivers.
Sandra said that Joan did something to her friend and it was a long story. She said that she basically black balled this friend of her's. She said that this woman asked Joan to write a blurb for her book and someone intercepted the letter and it eventually led to Joan blackballing her in Hollywood. Sandra said that she never made it right and her friend died about 11 years ago from a brain tumor and it was never made right.
Howard said Joan was blackballed by Johnny Carson so that's weird that she would do it herself. Sandra said it was a very confusing story and she's never asked Joan about it herself.
Sandra was saying she doesn't want to be doing the same kind of things that Joan is doing now. Gary came in during the middle of that and said that they had a person for the Out Produce Gary contest that was worthy of speaking to. Howard told Gary he didn't care if it was the President of the United States, it wasn't good timing.
Gary said he'd take care of it but the person wasn't going to wait. Howard apologized to Sandra for that. Sandra said she's fine with that. She said that Gary is a good man.
Howard asked Sandra about how she's trying to make money. He said that Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers have a lot of money. Sandra said she knows they do. She said that if she was offered that job that Kathy has on Bravo, she wouldn't do it. She said that Kathy is denigrating herself and she wouldn't do that. Sandra said that the public wants celebrities to feel worse than them and she just won't do that to herself.
Howard said Sandra turned down the job on Sex and the City as Miranda. Sandra said that she was offered the role but they were paying them $7,500. She said the original script was terrible and she didn't like it. She said it wasn't any good at the time. She said that they were going to give her $7,500 a week and the same amount to relocate.
Sandra said that Sarah Jessica Parker was getting treated better and she wasn't going to put up with her shit working second fiddle to her. Howard said he reads that no one likes Sarah Jessica Parker. Sandra said if it was the Sopranos she would have done that show for $1,000 a week.
Sandra said that it was the script and the money that stopped her from doing that show. She said that they never made any money and may not have even made that much doing the movie.
Sandra said that Cynthia Nixon even says that the first season wasn't all that great and it didn't catch on until the second or third season.
Howard asked Sandra about her celebrity friends and if she's friendly with Cher. She said she's not so Howard told her about Kathy Griffin and Joan going there. She aid that it's like one big face lift party there. Sandra said that she would never get a face lift herself.
Howard said that Sandra has said that she brings men into her relationship once in a while. Sandra said that while their daughter was away at camp they did swing a little bit. Sandra said it was just one man. Howard asked if it was Ralph. Sandra wasn't saying but it sounded like it was. She said that she wasn't going to say yes and she wasn't going to say no. Howard said he thinks that means it was him. She said that Ralph is well endowed though.
Howard asked if it was awkward with Ralph. She said that it wasn't at all and it was all good. Artie said he couldn't eat his pancakes after hearing that.
Sandra said that this was a one time thing in the summer. She said that it could happen again. She said that he did pass the test. Howard asked for details. Sandra said that they had Ralph over for dinner and had some champagne and things like that. She said it was spontaneous but maybe they did have some pre-planned ideas. She said that they were pretty bombed.
Howard asked what the move was with him. He said that someone had to make the first move. Howard asked what she did. She said she rubbed his shoulders and slid her hands down his shirt. She said she started to massage his chest while her girlfriend was naked. Sandra said she's not seven sure how that happened.
Howard asked how she got naked and made that move. Sandra said she's not sure how it happened. Howard said she doesn't strike him as the kind of girl to do that. Sandra said that she started to make out with her girlfriend and then went over to Ralph to rub his chest. Howard said this is a major scoop.
Howard said he's glad he asked about this. Sandra said she never would have brought this up. Artie asked if Howard really didn't know about it. Howard said he really didn't.
Howard said he had to understand this all. He asked Sandra why her girlfriend would do something like this. Sandra said she didn't explain it. Sandra said that she isn't that type of drunk so she's not sure why it happened.
Howard said he was the one who introduced Ralph to them. He spends more time with them than he does. Howard asked Sandra what she did after she came out and rubbed Ralph. She said that she worked on him and did what she had to.
Howard told Ralph ''Way to go... a threesome.'' Howard asked Sandra about taking him into the bedroom and what they did next. She said that she and her girlfriend did some stuff in front of him. Howard said people think Ralph is gay but Sandra said there is no way he's gay.
Sandra said that Ralph gave her oral first. She said that he's good at it too. She said she had an orgasm from that. Howard said she's truly bi-sexual. Sandra said that she absolutely is. Howard said he had to give some respect to Sandra for this. Howard asked what Ralph did to her girlfriend. Sandra said he was probably touching her in some way. Howard said she could be carrying around Ralph's baby. She said that she could if she could get pregnant from spit. Sandra said that he didn't enter her but he did go into her girlfriend.
Howard asked if Ralph did it just once. She aid that he did and it was enough for her. She wasn't jealous of him going into her girlfriend but not into her. Howard said he was ready to vomit listening to this story. He said it would be funny of they just vomited during this story.
Howard asked if Ralph left after that. She said that he did because she doesn't want to wake up to that the next morning. She aid she likes Ralph but she doesn't want to get into that. Robin asked Howard if that kind of thing happens with them when Ralph comes over. Howard said it does and Ralph rims him while he's banging Beth.
Sandra has a new album out so she asked Howard to plug that. Howard got to the album, ''Whatever It Takes,'' and played a track off of that. Sandra sang along to it as it played. Sandra said they're going to put together a little tour for the band.
Howard asked how long Ralph lasted with them. She said he was a good 3 minutes or so. Howard was shocked. He asked where he finished. Sandra said that it was where it belongs. She said that he was wearing a rubber. Howard said Ralph claims that he never wears rubbers. Sandra said that he did wear one in her house.
Howard gave Sandra some plugs for some upcoming appearances and her web site SandraBernhard.com.
Howard asked Sandra if she would do Ralph on her own. She said that they don't do that. She said that Ralph has called since then asking to come over again but they haven't had him over.
Howard asked Robin what her opinion was on all of this. Robin said she had to let it soak in for a few days. Artie said he wasn't able to eat after that. Fred said he thought it was great for Ralph. Benjy said he was extremely jealous. He likes that it was Sandra and it wasn't even just about it being a threesome.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he doesn't believe it and he wants her to take a lie detector test. Howard said no one would lie about having sex with Ralph. Sandra said they had a wonderful time and he was a doll. Howard said Ralph isn't gay and this proves it.
Howard thanked Sandra for sharing so much today as she does every time she comes on. Howard asked Sandra why she's not on Leno and Letterman these days. She said she thinks that she should be on Letterman every day. Howard asked if she talks to her girlfriend and brings Ralph up. She said that she does that but it sounded like she was joking. Sandra said that Ralph was no slouch in the penis area. She said that he has nothing to be embarrassed about. He joked that Kate Gosslin was on Letterman tonight. Sandra said nothing would surprise her. Artie told her that Kate Gosslin, Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers were all on Letterman tonight.
Sandra said she thinks that Jay Leno has gotten himself into a crap sandwich with this new show of his. She said that she would go on the show as long as she didn't have to race a car around a track like he's doing.
Sandra said she can only hope that she can top this appearance the next time she comes on. Howard said she may have to sleep with Benjy to make that happen. Howard told Artie he might have to step up too. Artie said he's not sure he can. Artie found it interesting that Jay Leno and Ralph have a chick in common now. Howard had to end the interview and go to break.
After the break we heard a prank call the guys made to a guy using John the Stutterer audio clips. Fred also played Creed's ''Higher'' as they were coming out of break.
Howard came back and asked Artie if he can believe that Ralph story. Artie said he thinks Ralph is a good guy and he's just busting chops. He said that still, he's oddly pissed off about it. He said he doesn't like any guy he knows getting to do something like that. He said that what makes him mad is when he thinks about what he might have been doing at the same time. He said he was probably wiping peanut butter off the floor or whacking off at a hotel room or something.
Howard asked Artie if he's still with that girl he was at Letterman with. Artie said he is. Howard said that he shouldn't be so upset if he's with a chick like that. Howard asked if he's in love. Artie said ''Uhh...'' Howard told him not to answer. Artie said it's still very early on in the relationship but she's great.
Howard said Artie at least tells them when he's dating someone. Howard said Robin won't do that. He said he thinks that she might be dating someone though. Robin said he didn't even know about what Ralph was up to. Howard said he had no clue.
Howard took a call from Hanzi who said he had to give Ralph respect. He said he thought he was a homo. Howard said he would know if he was gay. Hanzi coughed and blamed the cigarette he was smoking. That led to Howard saying he can't believe anyone smokes. Artie still smokes but he's cut back. Robin said she doesn't want to be around smoke when people are smoking. Even when they're friends she doesn't want to be around them.
Howard said Sour Shoes also sent a CD and that's weird too. He wasn't going to get into this today but Robin got him into it. He started to play some of the CD and it was Sour Shoes making baby crying sounds. That was it. The second clip was Sour Shoes singing ''How Are You.'' It was apparently an original song.
Sal came in and said that those coloring books bankrupted Sour Shoes. they put like 60 g's behind it and they went bankrupt. Sal said he has a rape coloring book too. Howard said that they're very disturbing. Sal said he thinks that he burned through like 4 or 5 credit cards doing it. Howard said he does have some talent but they're just not good talents that will get him anywhere.
Sal said that Sour Shoes has a lot of issues. He used to sculpt his own doody. He said he and his friends would do that and shove it in each other's faces.
Howard played another track off Sour Shoes' CD and it was him doing Bill Clinton and Chelsea Clinton impressions. He did a good Bill Clinton impression.
Howard played some more of Sour Shoes' stuff and had one song where he's singing ''Two Finger Porgie'' or something like that. Howard said he's able to create music but he's not very good at writing.
Howard had one more called ''Long Distance Dedication'' that he was going to play. After that he said he had to save it for Monday's show. Howard said he's got a lot going on with that CD.
Steve said they have a story about Walter Cronkite's memorial service. He said that Mariann from Brooklyn was there yelling at all of the celebrities coming out trying to get them to call the show for the Out Produce Gary contest. She yelled out to Dr. Phil and he said that he would never go on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard played a voice mail that Mariann left for them about going out there. She said that she tried to get everyone who came out. She said that there were no takers so far. Mariann said that President Obama waved to her on the corner when he came out. Howard said he was probably waving to the Secret Service to watch her.
Howard said that they have a lot of guests coming in on Monday. They have Joe Jackson coming in with his new artist. Howard said they also have Rod Blagojevich coming in. Howard said that he's the former governor of Illinois. Gary said that they may also be doing the Shawn King polygraph on Monday. He said he's putting the finishing touches on that.
Steve said that Benjy has been bothering the Howard TV guys to film his herpes tests to make sure they get it out there that he doesn't have any herpes.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of subjects they were going to be covering today. He mentioned the Sandra Bernhard thing and that led to Howard saying he always thought she was a big name. Artie said she was never a long term regular on Roseanne and she wasn't making big money in the movies so he gets that she isn't a multi-millionaire.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable called in with his show preview. Mutt said that they'll be talking about the Ralph story since they may have proof that he's not gay. Mutt said that the story seems unbelievable to him. He also finds it hard to believe that Kathy Griffin has a crush on Fred. Mutt said he definitely doesn't believe the Sandra Bernhard story. They're also going to talk about the way Langford goes after the Wack Packers. Superfan Roundtable is on tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Robin talked about the Ralph story a little bit and then got to her news. The first story was about the new iPods that came out yesterday. The new Nano has pausing for FM radio and also has a video camera built into it. Howard said he was hoping for something really big from them. Howard said the iPod was so mind blowing and they don't have anything new.
Howard said that he saw that there were some new pictures from the Hubble telescope. He said that they spend billions of dollars on this and all they get are pictures of gas. He said that there's nothing to see out there. Howard said there is nothing up there and they have to stop wasting money on this stuff. Howard said that they even admit that they haven't learned anything from that stuff.
Robin read some news about cell phone radiation and they have a list of phones and their radiation levels on a web site. Howard said that he hates that his kids use their cell phones all the time. He said that he tries to shield himself from his laptop with a briefcase but he knows that radiation goes through that.
Robin said that some countries have limited the use of cell phones for kids. Howard said that they are right near your head and you know that those radio waves have to be doing something. Robin read some of the phones that had low radiation. She had some other phones that she read about before they had to go to break.
After the break Howard came right back and said they were talking about Ellen Degeneres earlier. He said that he has some more audio of her talking about becoming part of the American Idol show. This was from her show. Ellen was telling the audience what was going on and made that announcement to them. Ellen got huge cheers from her audience.
Howard said she has no business being a judge on a music show. He said he's not happy about this. Howard said he would be a better judge because he's honest. He said that he's a DJ at least. Then he admitted he wouldn't be a better because he's not really even in the music industry. Howard said someone like Steve Kingston would be a good judge. He said he used to be a program director and had to pick the music at stations like Z-100. Howard said Fred would be a better judge too.
Howard said American Idol has jumped the shark because they used to have experts judging the show and now they have Ellen. Howard played more of her talking about this on her show. She said it was going to be fun. Howard said it's not going to be fun for him when he has to watch her on that show. Ellen claims she loves music and she thinks she's shown that on her show. She won't be looking at it from a technical point of view. She's going to look at it from the point of view of someone who would buy the music.
Howard said this is like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. He said that she doesn't know what she's doing and it's an outrage to him. Howard said from the point of view of a show they're doing it all wrong. Howard said it has lost its purpose.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she had a brain tumor and she thinks she got it from her cell phone. She said that she was actually calling from one now but she was using one starting in 1997. The woman said she was diagnosed with the tumor in 2003. Howard said he's glad that she's okay now.
Robin got back to her news and brought up Kathy Griffin and her book signings. Howard said he was the best book signing guy ever. Robin said she was reading that Kathy was a mega-bitch at her book signing on Tuesday night. She said that Kathy made you purchase a book just to be in the reading. Howard said that's a little aggressive. Robin said the book was 25 bucks and then you got a wrist band depending on how late you showed up. Some got you standing room some sitting and some got you ''jack shit.'' Robin said that Kathy didn't do the reading and then she said she wanted to sign all the books but she didn't personalize them. Howard said he thinks you should sign every book. He said he thinks that's important. Artie said he gets that they can't personalize them. Robin said that Kathy didn't sign all of the books either.
Robin read about Vigo Mortensen and how he's announced that he's giving up acting. He doesn't want to do it anymore. Howard wondered if the guy has enough money to do that. Robin said he's saying that he would do some jobs if they come up but only because he's committed to them already. He's not looking for anymore acting work. Howard didn't believe it and said he'd be available in two seconds for a role.
Howard was still obsessed with the Ellen Degeneres thing. He said he had to play an exmaple of her judging on Dancing with the Stars. He said that she just makes it all about her and it's not good. HOward said that's what she's going to do on Idol too. Artie said he really didn't care.
ROibn read about the new baby that Nicole Richie had. They named the kid Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Their other kid is Harlow Winter Kate Sparrow. That led to the guys singing some of the Lionel Richie songs they knew.
Robin read some news about Charlie Sheen looking to meet with President Obama to discuss the 9/11 cover ups. Howard said ''Oh come on...'' Robin said that Sheen thinks that the attacks were perpetrated by the government. Howard said that no one can possibly believe that Bush had anything to do with that.
Howard asked what Charlie thinks actually happened there. Robin said that he is hoping that the President can answer some of the unanswered questions about that day.
Robin said that Cindy Adams has gotten to the bottom of Michael Jackson's skin color. He used a bleach to change the color of his skin on all of his body. She said that you can see the skin color change over time in pictures. She said that they found out what he was using to change the skin color. Robin read about how the product was discovered accidentally and he used it to bleach his skin lighter.
Howard asked Robin if she would ever lighten her skin color. Robin said she never would. She said she's very happy to be the person she is. Howard asked if she would become darker. Robin said she does that every summer when she goes out in the sun. Artie told Robin it sucks being able to get a cab anytime you want. He said they can get into any country club they want too. Robin said she's fine with that. She said that life is perfect where she is.
Robin read a story about Janet Jackson doing some performance on the MTV Video Music Awards that's going to be very long. She said that they're doing 15 hour long rehearsals for this thing. Howard said it had better be some performance. Howard said he hopes a tittie pops out.
Robin read about how there's some controversy about Michael Jackson's will being read and how the judges are saying that they have to let the people know what's in it. Howard said he can't believe they're carrying on with this guy. He said that the public has no right to know what's in his will.
Robin said Germaine Jackson is doing a tribute to his brother in Germany and the family isn't happy about that. Robin said a bunch of other singers are going to be part of that.
Robin read some news about Ellen Degeneres being brought on American Idol. She quickly mentioned that but Howard said he's talked out on that subject.
Robin read a story about some of the best songs of all time. The song Maybeline was one song that was voted as one of the most important songs of all time. Howard said he had no idea that was going on with that song.
Robin said that Derek Jeter tied Lou Gherig's record for hits. Artie said that Jeter bunted last night and that was the hit that got him out of his slump. They spent a few minutes talking about that. Robin had some audio of Jeter talking about the record being broken in the new Yankee stadium.
Robin read that Doritos is running their $5 million contest again this year for their Super Bowl ad. Howard said he'd like to do one as Dorito Bandito. Artie said that would be great if he just stole the idea from the Frito Bandito. Howard came up with some ideas for the commercial. Howard said he could have the American Idol judges judging the Dorito Bandito. He had a bunch of ideas for that and didn't care that he was stealing the character from the Frito brand.
Robin read a story about how tall people are happier and earn more and are better educators according to a study done at Princeton University. Robin said that some people don't reach their full height because of poor nutrition and that could have something to do with it. Robin said they surveyed people via phone about all of that.
Robin read through some of the other details in the research and Howard said that you can be too tall. He said he's too tall and he's not happy.
Howard said he's going to make a Doritos commercial that is so dirty that it would be the talk of the industry. Howard said that he could enter it under a different name. Howard said he would have a couple of Arab looking guys on a plane and they ask for Doritos and when the flight attendant says no, they cut to the planes crashing into the World Trade Center. He said it would be something so horrendous that they'd have to say something about it.
Howard said he could have an OJ Simpson look alike going off on a Nicole Brown Simpson look alike and banging on her door complaining that she ate his Doritos. Howard said it would be so offensive that the ad company would have to say something.
Howard said he could have that kidnapper that took the 11 year old and kept her for 18 years luring her in with the Doritos. Howard wondered if they would play that during the Super Bowl.
Howard said he has knocked out 3 of the most offensive commercials ever. He said the 9/11 one would be the worst. He also mentioned Hitler a little earlier and how he was just trying to get Doritos and that's why he was killing all of the Jews.
Howard said he could have Michael Vick doing his dog fighting thing with everyone there eating Doritos. Howard said they could have Anne Frank in the attic stepping on a Dorito drawing attention to her.
Artie said they could have them pulling out the teeth of dogs because they were eating the Doritos. Howard said they could put Ellen Degeneres' name on the entry.
Howard said they could have a commercial where they're in the space shuttle that blew up and one of the astronauts asks ''Hey, where are my Doritos?'' and another one says ''No! Don't hit that button!'' and it blows up.
Howard said they could have the Jaycee Duggard chick locked up after she's lured in by the Doritos and saying that the only thing that smiles after 18 years is Doritos. Howard said he would sign Ellen's name to the entry. Howard can imagine the ad agency guys watching these things and being shocked by them all. Robin said the guy would come out of his office wit his hair looking like he had just been electrocuted.
Howard said he could do another one where Michael Jackson is asking for anesthesia and the doctor gets distracted by the Doritos and he accidentally kills Michael Jackson. Artie liked that one a lot. Howard said that one might not offend anyone and he may have to go with that one.
Robin read about why the traffic was tied up in New York City when President Obama visited for the Walter Cronkite memorial. She had some audio of him speaking about Cronkite at the memorial service. Howard wondered if the guy was really that great that he should be celebrated so much. Howard said the guy just read off a piece of paper.
Robin had some audio of a Winton Marsalis and a few other musicians performing at the memorial service. Howard asked why he would play music like that at a memorial service. That led to Fred playing some farting sounds during that clip. Howard said that music was shit and he can't believe that people don't think things through.
Robin said that Buzz Aldren was saying that Walter Cronkite made the space flight much more believable to people who were watching it on TV. Robin had some audio of him and also of Bill Clinton talking about Cronkite.
Howard came up with another Doritos commercial when he said that they could have Bill Clinton with Monica Lewinsky under his desk eating Doritos.
Robin had some of President Obama's speech that he made last night. they played some of that and Fred threw in a clip of Jackie the Joke Man yelling out ''You are a liar!'' since they didn't have audio of the Congressman who did it.
Robin read about the Grammy Award nominees being announced during a show that's coming up soon. Robin said they're going to make a whole show around that. She said that she also mentioned the young tennis player Melanie who was knocked out yesterday. Howard said he hates when young kids are successful.
Robin also mentioned that Bruce Springsteen is one of the Kennedy Center Honors honoree's. Howard said that should be fun. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:20am.
Gary said that Sarah was the one who was all over Anju. He said that she wouldn't say a word without Sarah interrupting her.
Gary said Sarah was laughing so much that she was almost doubled over and slapping her knee with laughter. Gary said that there were very subtle things that she would mutter into her mic and it was very funny.
Will said that he didn't put Jade between them on purpose. Gary said he felt bad for Jade but then she came out with that crazy story about being kidnapped and that was shocking.
Will said that Sarah was very high energy but she didn't have the energy to do any push-ups or pull-ups. They said she wasn't too bright either.
Jon played a clip from the contest where Anju and Sarah were arguing and fighting. Jon asked if Anju had the right to just punch out Sarah. Gary said he thinks she did. He said he thought they were going to come to blows at one point. Will said it almost did come to that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he had to apologize to Gary about calling him a liar a few months back. He was asking if they had any trouble controlling the girls in the studio since they were naked. Gary said that they had a naked chick at K-Rock that was running around in the halls and he kind of had to tackle her. Will said that it's a good way for a married guy to get away with free touching.
Jon said that Robin was saying that this was one situation that Ronnie could handle. Gary said that two people fighting is always funny.
Another caller asked if the chicks were hot because Artie never said that they were hot. Will said that they weren't the hottest but they were pretty cute. Gary said they were all Penthouse caliber girls... except for one. He said he was just joking about that because Sarah was the only one who wasn't in Penthouse. Will said that she had just submitted pictures to Penthouse but she hasn't been accepted or turned down yet. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon played some audio from the interview where Sandra broke down and let them know it was Ralph she and her girlfriend had sex with.
After the clip Jon asked Benjy if that was a complete shock. Benjy said that she had said that Ralph would be a candidate if they did want to have sex. He said he wasn't upset about it but he was jealous. Will laughed and said ''Just when I thought that threesome couldn't get any uglier...'' Benjy said he's always been a big fan of Sandra's and he is attracted to her. He said that it's not about that though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said the best part was when Howard said that he had a three way with Ralph and Beth and Ralph gave him a rim job.
Gary said that Scott DePace told him he thinks that the gays protect themselves so maybe that's what's going on there. Will said that Ralph could be bi-sexual for all they know. Gary said that Ralph likes to party hard and he travels in that crowd where you drink and get high and things happen. Gary said he knows what happens but he's never been in an orgy and brushed up against a dick. He said he's never been in an orgy at all.
A caller said that what proves he's not gay is that he only lasted 3 minutes. The guy said that a gay guy would last much longer than that. The caller also said that Ralph can also tell when a chick is dirty so maybe that's why he only ate Sandra out and didn't fuck her. Gary and Benjy wondered what guy would eat a chick out instead of fucking her if she was dirty.
Jon took another call and the guy was asking about Ralph hanging out with Sandra. Gary said that Ralph is a hanger and he can hang out and outlast anyone to the end of the night. Benjy said that Ralph doesn't push anything and he just waits around until something happens. Benjy said he's never going to leave a party again himself.
The caller said he figured that Ralph would have shared that story with Robin at least. Gary said he gets the impression that it happened recently so it must have been in the last 6-8 weeks.
Another caller asked how much Sam Simon paid Sandra to tell that story. Gary said that didn't happen. Gary wondered if Ralph has ever been in a threesome with a chick and another dude. Benjy said that they've been in strip clubs and doing their own thing while other guys are around.
Gary said that's not the same thing. Benjy said he's been in a situation where a guy is doing something with the girl while he's with her too and guys just take advantage of any situation they're in. He said they don't necessarily go looking for it.
Benjy asked Jon if he has ever fooled around with a chick and had a dude doing something to her too. Jon said he hasn't. He said he has no interest in that.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he had to call bullshit on this story. He said that in that clip they just played Howard asked if it was Ralph and he thinks that they just came up with the whole thing on the spot. Benjy said maybe Howard did know about it and he was trying to make it seem like he didn't.
Jon said he thought it was a bit until she told more and more about it and then it seemed like it was a real thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that there's no doubt that Howard knew and that's why he brought Ralph's name right up. He also asked Gary if he had fired the guy who brought Pablo Francisco on the show. Gary said that he's still there and they don't know when they book guests how they're going to be. The caller asked if they thought he was someone else. Gary said that's funny but they knew that it was him.
Another caller asked if Ralph could have been banged in the ass by Sandra Bernhard with a dildo. Gary said that he'd like to know if guys think that it's gay if a chick is doing something like that to you. The caller said of course it's gay. Will and Jon said it was gay too.
Another caller said that Sandra might have a cock. He said that she's so ugly that she might be a dude. Gary said he's seen her in Playboy and she's definitely not a dude. The caller said her face is so busted that she could be a dude. Gary said he hasn't put his hands down her pants but Ralph has.
Another caller said that Sandra isn't hot and he doesn't get what that's all about. The guy said that her face looks like someone put out a fire with a rake. Gary said he bets that the caller has fucked someone with a worse face. Will said that was some compliment.
Gary said he thinks that Sandra is hot and her face doesn't look like it had a fire put out with a rake. Benjy said that she's the sexiest ugly chick out there. He said that there's something very sexy about her even though she's not all that hot.
Another caller asked Gary if there is someone else out there that Ralph or Howard have had sex with that they don't know about. Gary said he's pretty sure there are other women that Howard has been with that he's not telling them about. Benjy said Howard wrote down a name for Artie one time that was supposed to be big.
The guys rated Angie Everhart, Robin Givens and Sandra Bernhard. They were wondering who else was out there that they did. Gary said that he went out on a date with a VJ at MTV one time but no one knows who she is. He said it was Carolyn Heldman.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that when you're with a woman and another dude it's not about the other dude and you just do the chick. He said that it's not gay when you do that. Gary said he knows of guys who have done that. He hasn't done it himself. Shuli was in and said that he knows a couple of guys who do that too and he works with them very Sunday night.
Jon took one last call from a guy who asked if they would fuck Sandra. Gary said yes, Benjy said yes, Will said probably not, Jon said no and Shuli said no. Teddy said he would. They had to end the show after that.
This week's Best of the Week was over around 12:50pm.