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Howard started the show talking about how he didn't know where to begin. He said hello to everyone, including Artie who was actually there. Howard said that Benjy was there on time too.
Howard said that there were many things going on in his head today and he wasn't sure what to begin with. He said he was hearing the show in his head but no one else was.
Howard said one of the big stories over the weekend was that Robert Schimmel was arrested. Robin and Artie hadn't heard anything. Howard said that Robert wrote a book recently about beating cancer. He said that part of the title was about beating his wife ''allegedly.'' Howard said that he was arrested for allegedly beating his wife over the weekend and they had a big picture of Bob with Howard Stern. Howard said it looked like he was arrested for beating up his wife and they had this big picture of Bob with him. He said it's not a mistake when they do that, they somehow try to make a connection to wife beating with pictures of him.
Howard said there seems to be some kind of subtle message there and he's not sure why that is. Howard was going to play the news report about it but JD may not have had it ready yet.
Howard read the article (Comedian Robert Schimmel, regular on Howard Stern show, arrested for allegedly beating up his wife) he had about the alleged beating and read through that. Howard read about that and then talked about the picture of Bob and him together. Howard said they should have a picture of Bob and his wife.
Howard said that he and Beth watched ''Bride Wars'' together this weekend and they were talking about how bad Kate Hudson was in the movie. They were loving that part of seeing the movie together. Howard talked about how things were going well doing that. He said he was actually enjoying the movie and thinking that he could have gotten Kate Hudson years ago. He had spent a whole evening together speaking to her at a party at Rick Rubin's house.
Howard said Beth was kind of cranky all weekend. He said he was playing chess with a guy over the weekend and the game ran long. He said he was doing really well and having a good time. He said that he and Beth were going to have some drinks around 7 but he told her that he was going to be another half hour or so. She got annoyed with him and he figured it was because of the whole book thing.
Howard said that this chess game took hours and Beth was being kind of snippy with him. He said now he's thinking that she shouldn't be writing this book. She's talking about donating the money to charity. Howard said he doesn't understand that at all.
Howard said he won this big game that took him like 5 hours to play and Beth didn't care. He said that she gave him attitude when he told her about that. They got into a fight over that and that was nothing. He said that blew over on Saturday night. Then last night they went out to dinner and Beth went to work on her book. She called him in and told him that she had a document that she wasn't sure was saved. She saved it and then figured that she hadn't saved it after they closed it.
Howard said Beth did 2 hours of work and then worried that it wasn't saved. Howard said he didn't know what was going on and then she started to accuse him of erasing her material. He said he wasn't going to be involved in her book anymore because she was accusing him of this. Howard said he was fuming mad at that. He said it wasn't his fault and told her that she has to learn to save her fucking material.
Howard said he stormed out of the room and it was around 9:30 last night so he had to go to bed. She was working in the bedroom so she had to clear her stuff out. Howard said she didn't end up coming into the room and slept in another room. He wasn't able to sleep so he had to jerk off to try and get to sleep. He said the whole thing was weird and they didn't talk this morning.
Howard said Beth sent him a note this morning but he's still angry about the whole thing. He wants the whole book thing over with already. He said he's going to pay her not to write the book if the contract she has is keeping her in it. Artie laughed his ass off when he heard that he was going to pay off her contract.
Howard said that she's still working on the foreword and the first chapter. He said he can't imagine what it's going to be like at chapter 10.
Howard said Beth was asleep this morning and he knows that she must have heard him bumbling around in the apartment. He said the whole thing was just ugly. Artie said that was mildly unattractive and not ugly at all. Howard said it was very uncomfortable. Robin said that Beth got a little stressed. Howard said he knows that but she pinned it all on him. Robin told him that it's not real though.
Howard said it's like Rambo saying that they don't know what it was like for him. He did his impression of Rambo and told Robin that's what it was like for him. They also played a clip from the movie where Rambo yells ''... nothing is over!'' and goes on to explain how no one knows what it's like because they're not him.
Howard did his Rambo impression and talked about the whole document saving thing with Beth. Fred threw in some breaking dish sounds and things like that while Howard was screaming about all of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he feels bad about the whole thing. He said that the kooky bride might be out of the box now. Howard said she's just under stress. The caller said that the real Beth is out now.
Howard said that this guy must have had some bad marriage. The caller said he actually married the same woman twice. Howard said he's like Dominic Barbara getting married to the same woman twice.
The caller suggested that Howard tell Beth to take a computer class if she doesn't know how to use one. Howard said that she probably should. Robin said that this guy is going to get Howard in trouble. Howard said he thinks that he could live with this caller Jerry. Robin said he may end up living whit him if he tells Beth to take a computer class.
Artie said he met an old friend of his last night and he told him that he was living in a basement apartment because he had gotten a divorce. He said he was happy that he was out of the house though.
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Artie said he bets that there's someone out there who is upset that it didn't make $100 million. Howard said that's possible.
Howard said that was his weekend with Beth. He said they haven't spoken since then. Robin told him that he should go home and talk to her telling her he loves her. Howard said he doesn't do that. He said he has to make some points first. Howard said he feels awful that her document may have gotten erased.
Howard said he has an appointment with his shrink today but he won't even bring this up. Howard said it's none of his business. Robin said he has to bring that up. Artie said that he would go to Beth's computer and erase it all. Howard said he came close to throwing that computer out the window. Then he realized it was 30 floors up and he might hit someone if he did that.
Robin said that she took her cell phone and threw it across the room one time and it shattered into a million pieces.
Artie said that the fact that Beth wrote him a note so quickly was nice. Howard said that she was torturing him last night so there was a lot of anger there. He said that the note was nothing. Howard said it just wasn't right.
Howard brought up how Kirstie Alley went back on Oprah's show, fat, and told Oprah she was starting her own weight loss program. Howard said that's the wrong time to talk about doing something like that.
Another caller asked how Howard could say that Iron Man wasn't as good as this Wolverine movie. The caller said he saw the movie and he thinks that Iron Man is about 10 times better. Howard told the caller he wins and he doesn't care. Howard and the caller spent a few minutes talking about the differences between the movies and why Howard liked the Wolverine better. Howard said he had to get out of that conversation though. He didn't want to get too geeky this morning.
Howard said Beth was saying that she thought that they had their first fight. Howard said he was sure they had one. He still doesn't know why he was blamed for doing something wrong. He said that he wants to be left out of the whole book thing now. He doesn't want to help with that at all now.
Howard said he told Beth that she has to learn to work her equipment before she sits down to write a book. Howard said he told her that after she lost the 2 hours of work. Robin told him that's not right.
Robin was telling Howard what he should have done and he said that he sees why no one can get along with her. Howard said things with Jim Florentine must have gotten really dicey. Howard said he knows that Jim did some things wrong and Robin must have pointed them out. Robin said that they didn't fight until they broke up. Howard figured that Robin must have pointed out whatever Jim did wrong. Robin said that he did something wrong and she may have pointed that out.
Howard said he can't get past this fight thing. It's the only thing on his mind right now. Robin said this is an opportunity for him to do something to figure out what they can do about it. Howard said he wants to stop her from writing the book but he knows that won't happen. Robin said that would end the relationship. She said that Beth has to fulfill herself.
Howard said he's never seen Beth being unpleasant and this book is doing that to her. Howard said that she won't even admit it. Howard said before the fight he told her that she seemed uptight and she said it wasn't because of the book. Howard said she was aggravated with him every minute. He said he was running up and down with the computers helping her out and she was still uptight with him.
Howard said Beth doesn't think he erased her stuff on purpose. He said he closed her file to make sure it had saved and then she realized that it wasn't saved correctly. Howard said she's blaming him for that and it's not his fault. Howard said he just left the room because he knew it was going to get nasty.
Robin asked Howard if he's still going to be casting blame on her. Howard said that he may have to do that. He said she blamed him for erasing her book and it wasn't his fault. Howard said it was only like 20 changes and she can go back and change it.
Howard said even with his hot looks he can still look bad. He said it throws him off. Howard said most of the guys in his audience are 2's and he's a 10 so he's not sure how any of them can relate to him. He was being sarcastic of course. He said he's actually the 2. Robin said he's not a 2 so Howard said he must be a 3 then.
Howard played some audio from Oprah's show where Kirstie Alley was talking about her working out and developing her own weight loss line. Howard said that this woman is just as fat as ever and she's got some nerve starting her own weight loss line. Artie said she must be working with Dom Deluise.
In the clip Kirstie was talking about losing 20 pounds in 5 weeks. Howard said that's nothing on someone who is morbidly obese. Kirstie was talking about how she did it and it was like any other diet just keeping the intake of food down. Howard said she's a douche bag.
Kirstie was talking about how she's going to be twittering her weight loss. Howard gave some advice on how to lose weight and just cut back on what you eat. Howard said he's been thin for 15 years now and he must know what he's doing. Howard said he's the one who should have the weight loss line.
Howard played more of the Oprah clips and Kirstie said that she had stopped being the spokesperson for Jenny Craig and she stopped getting their food. Howard said they probably cut her off because she was still fat.
Kirstie talked about how they were coming to her house to weigh her every week to make sure that she weighed what she claimed she did. Then they just stopped coming so she stopped dieting and working out. Kirstie said she gained 10 more pounds than she had lost before that diet.
Howard said that Kirstie is the size of a whale. She had just mentioned that she stepped off a plane and looked horrible. Howard said that's not the plane's fault. He said it was like she was blaming the plane for her looks.
Kirstie said that one of the paparazzi told her to turn around and caller her a fat ass. Kirstie said that you'd think that would be her turning point.
Howard kept stopping the clip so he and the guys could goof on her. They were talking about her claims that she had to get naked when she weighed in and stuff and how they don't believe that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the file that Beth thinks she lost is probably on the hard drive. He said that it's there somewhere. Howard said he knows that, they just weren't able to find it. Howard said that it became his fault though. He said that Beth blamed him for it and that's the problem.
Howard played the clip of Joe talking about why it was that he isn't doing the show anymore. Joe said it was Howard saying that he hates women that he didn't like. Joe talked about their trip to Las Vegas and how Howard had said something on the air about him telling the strippers to get away from him and calling them whores. Joe said that he doesn't want to be on the show anymore and he's just gone back to being a fan again.
Howard said that he wasn't saying that Joe was a homosexual like Greg was making it out to be. Howard said that they had gone to a strip club out in Vegas that time and they were just making an appearance there. Howard said that maybe Joe was high or something and he was saying some shit to the strippers and he asked him on the air if he was hateful toward women. He said he was just asking the guy a question.
Howard said that Joe was saying stuff to him about the women and he seemed angry so that's why he brought it up. Howard said Joe may not have wanted that out there and maybe that's why he's upset with him.
Gary said that he went out one night and they were on a tour bus with Cindy Crawford's husband. They went to the strip club and Joe had said some stuff to him about the women but then ended up hanging out with a bunch of them.
Howard said he didn't mean it as some kind of weird thing with Joe but he took it really personally for some reason. Gary said he thinks that Joe is overreacting to the whole thing.
Gary said they helped Joe out in a lot of ways and he's got this manager who thinks that Howard should have never brought it up on the air if he was a real friend. Robin said this is how fights get blown out of proportion when someone holds on to something like that.
Howard said he's fine with Joe not wanting to do the show. He said he doesn't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Howard said that he'd like to have had Joe come on the show and explain it but if he doesn't want to come on that's fine. Howard said he likes the guy as a comedian and a guest and he still doesn't have a problem with him. Artie said he thinks that Joe should just get over it and come back on the show.
Howard said that Greg is doing his show tonight at midnight. He also mentioned that Chuck Zito's View show is on tonight at 7. The guys spent a short time talking about Chuck's show and how his sidekick ended up disappearing and no one is sure what happened to him.
Howard got back to the Robert Schimmel thing and played a clip from a news report about it. Howard said that they showed a picture of Robert with him instead of with his wife in that report. Howard said it's really a man's world. He said that if Bob did beat her up that just proves it. Howard said that maybe Bob got jealous of her again.
Howard played the audio of that news report where they talked about the alleged domestic assault. They mentioned that he was a frequent guest on the Stern Show and showed the picture of him with Bob. Howard said that it makes him look like he's behind beating your wife or something. Howard said that they didn't have to throw him in there like that.
Howard said they mentioned that Bob was a frequent guest on Conan O'Brien's show so he wondered why they didn't show a picture of Bob with him instead.
Howard said he would like to get Bob on the show when they can so they can hear his side of the story. Howard said he should come on his show first because he's so connected to him in these news reports.
Howard said Bob will probably get a reality show now that he's been arrested. Howard said that people will find him interesting now that this has happened. That led to him talking about this Kim Kardashian show that he was watching the other night. He said that the show is just them doing one bad thing after another. Howard said that he's not even sure why these people are famous. He said that the girl is fat and talked about how she had ripples on her stomach that showed when she was in a bikini.
Howard said that he saw Kim Kardashian and her mother walk into a restaurant where her two sisters were eating. He said that the mom and Kim broke the news that Kim got a perfume line. Howard said this is the only episode that he's seen and his TiVo suggested it to him and he's not sure why. Howard said that the sisters didn't act happy, they got pissed that their sister had gotten this deal. Howard said the two spoiled brats were alone in their bedroom acting all upset that their sister got this deal. They were bad mouthing her and talking about the horrible things they could do to her.
Howard said that Bruce Jenner is in this show and looking like a woman with that face lift and nose job. Howard said he looks really odd. He said that Bruce was flying a toy helicopter around in the street and the wife was asking to fly it. Howard said she grabbed it and flew the thing right into this black guy's car. The guy didn't do anything because the cameras were there. Howard said it was one bad behavior after another on that show.
Howard said that he also saw some of Victoria Silvstedt's reality show and she was wiping her nose and giving her mother the snot on the show. He said that she must be doing this stuff just to make herself more interesting.
JD said that the Kardashian show has a spin off now because the sisters are going off to open their own shop or something in Miami. Howard said he had to take a break. They were going to do that but Artie told Howard that he has to get Denis Leary's book. He said it's hilarious because he talks about pop culture and he has this whole thing where you can match what drugs the Kardashian girls are going to be doing in 10 years.
Howard was going to go to break but Robin said that she had a story about Cindy Crawford's husband being accused of sexual harassment that she went through real quick. Howard said he found that hard to believe but then asked the news reporters out there to make sure they used a picture of him with Cindy's husband when they do their reports. He went to break after that.
Howard came back and sang along to the song a little bit. He had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News headlines after that.
Lisa came in and said that they have a story about Blue Iris' husband keeping her on life support probably until week's end. Howard said that's sad. Lisa asked Howard if he has a living will in case something happens. Howard said he's not sure. Artie asked if Lisa is looking for some money or something. She said she's not. Howard said he really should have a living will but he doesn't.
Lisa said she has a story about Sal the Stockbroker being a clue in the NY Times crossword puzzle. She said that it was ''___ the Stockbroker of Howard Stern Show fame.'' She said she looked into it and found out that they needed a ''Sal'' and Sal's name came up even though they had never heard of him before. The guy had never heard the show either. Howard said that's just great. He said that the guy must be an asshole because he picked an answer that readers may not have even known. Lisa said that the editor there knows the show and how well known it might be so he had no problem with it.
Lisa had some news about Scott Ferrall losing weight and how he used to have a problem with his weight in the past. He's trying to lose a little bit more of that fat. Howard said that he's always trying to lose a little bit more himself so he knows what he's going through.
Howard said the guy wrote a book about going over to Japan and picking up chicks there. Howard said that he didn't even really need the guy to talk about this stuff. He got him back on the line anyway.
Howard moved on and gave Stefhen a plug for his book ''Black Passenger Yellow Cabs: Of Exile and Excess in Japan.''
Howard talked about how hard it is for a black man to get a cab there in New York city and how he and some friends had to get a guy a cab one time because of that.
Howard said that Stefhen has never had an interview before so this is his first. Howard said that this book is for guys who have a hard time getting laid. Stefhen said that's not the case. He said that he's never had a problem getting laid. He said that it's just easier over there.
Stefhen said that he had 60 women in 7 years and that may not be all that many. He said it was nothing compared to what his friends were doing. Howard said that according to him 99 percent of the women put out on the first date over there.
Howard said that Stefhen says that most men over in Japan ignore their women so if you pay any attention to them at all they'll fuck you. Stefhen said that you can do anything and they'll fuck you if you pay any attention to them at all.
Howard said that Stefhen went out with a woman and her husband and the husband let him fuck his wife. Stefhen said that they did that for many months. He said that over there they have this surrogate sex thing because the guys don't give a shit about their women's orgasms or anything. Stefhen said the women over there are beautiful too and he's getting the women that are like the Cindy Crawford's of Japan.
Artie said that he had a different title for this book and said that it should be ''How to lie about getting laid in Japan. ''
Howard asked Stefhen about his claims of getting a mother and daughter over there. Stefhen told Howard that the woman was 50 and she hadn't had sex in 20 years. Stefhen said that he was dating her daughter who was 25 and the mother was there and stuck her hand on his junk. Stefhen said that he put her hand on his dick after pulling his pants down.
Stefhen said that he had to teach this 50 year old woman what to do because she was out of practice. He said that the daughter didn't know about the whole thing. He said that lasted for months over there though. He said that he was doing both of them for months. Stefhen said the mother was a babe too. He said that they have big, hairy bushes over there.
Stefhen said that the women over there have a protruding mound that's different than the women here in the States. Artie said that this is guy some bullshitter.
Stefhen said that he was 36 when he was over there and he's 45 now. Howard saw a picture of him too and said that he's really not that dark like he was claiming he was.
Howard took a call from Wood Yi (audio clips) and he was asking Stefhen why he was lying. Stefhen wondered who this guy was. Howard let the guys goof on him with the clips. Howard told him that this was Wood Yi and told him to tell some stories of his own from Japan. Sal or Richard were playing the clips and saying that he loves a big black cock. Stefhen didn't know what was going on but kept throwing in plugs for his web site during the fake conversation.
Howard let Wood Yi go and got back to Stefhen. Howard said that they've learned that if you buy Stefhen's book then you can find out how he banged these broads over there. Stefhen said that he didn't use a rubber over there and there were a lot of abortions going on over there. He said that a lot of the women just got their abortions because it's taboo to have kids out of wedlock over there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he agrees with Stefhen about the Japanese women. He said that they like any foreigner and not just black guys. Stefhen said that's true. He said that as long as you pay attention to them they love you.
Stefhen said that he was molested by 16 and 18 year old girls when he was just 7 years old. He said that he didn't cum until he was 12 but they messed around with him when he was just 7. He said he was able to get a boner at 7 and even before that.
Howard said that you can get this book of Stefhen's at BlackPassenger.com. He let Stefhen go after that.
Howard took a call from Mark the Bagger (audio clips) and let him ask a bunch of questions. The guys were calling in to play some of that stuff for Stefhen but he was gone. Howard let them play a bunch of goofy questions that Mark the Bagger had recorded. They had a bunch so Howard let them go on and on. Mark was asking things like ''How do I get cum out of my cat's fur?'' and things like that. Howard said he was pretty sure that was tape that they were playing.
Artie asked Howard if he would ever go to Japan to get laid like that if he was hard up. Howard said he didn't think that Stefhen was that hard up, he was just writing about how much he got laid when he went to Japan. Artie said that the furthest he's driven to get laid was 7 and a half hours. Howard said that Fred went to Florida one time to get laid.
JD said that he didn't ban his father. He said that he just told his father he didn't like the calls. He said he didn't really have a conversation with him about it.
Gary said that's funny that his dad is getting laid more than him. Artie asked if it was okay to talk about what happened the other night. JD said he wasn't sure.
Artie said that JD had a cute chick drive him home. He said that she was cute and she was way into JD. JD said he didn't know. He started to say something and just stopped himself in the middle of a sentence.
Howard asked JD what was going on. JD said that there are some people who don't know what's going on. He said that there may be people in her life that don't know what's going on.
Howard said that JD is juggling a bunch of chicks that don't want to have sex with him. Gary said he heard that she had to drop other people off that night. Howard said that JD isn't even banging these chicks and he's making it sound more complicated than it really is.
JD said that he got laid maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago. Artie said that he's always got something going on there with his Myspace page and things like that. Howard said that the girls must contact him and go to the shows where he's at and then they get into the shows and he drives them home.
Howard asked JD if the girls get into the back of his car so he can drive them around. JD said he doesn't even have a car.
Artie said he saw his reality show pilot and JD is always in the background looking miserable. Howard asked JD about his father getting married and when he found that out. JD said that his father kind of sprung it on him. He said that he doesn't really talk to him that much about his personal life when he talks to him. Artie told JD that he is part of his father's personal life.
Howard said that his own father has never asked him how his day was. JD said his father does that. Howard said his father never even asked him who he was dating or anything like that. He said his father wouldn't even know how to have a conversation like that.
Howard said that Beth is technically the step mother to his kids but they don't call her mom or anything. Howard asked JD if he's even met this woman that his father is marrying. JD said that he has met her and she's nice. He doesn't know her very well though.
Howard asked JD if his mother knows that his father is marrying. JD said that she does but he's not sure how she found out. Howard asked if maybe he told her and she found out from him. JD said that he really doesn't remember if he told her the news or not. Howard said that's insane. Fred said that he must have ''Nerdheimers'' and did it in his JD voice.
Howard asked JD how he can't know if he told her or not. JD said he remembers his father telling him that he was getting married. He said he just told his dad ''Alright, okay... whatever.'' Howard said he can imagine that conversation. He went into his JD impression and had him talking to his father about the whole thing. Howard asked what the woman's name was so he could get that right. JD said that he might remember it by the end of this weekend.
Howard asked JD how he doesn't know the woman's name. JD said he thinks about a lot of things and he just didn't know. Howard asked him why he didn't ask the name. JD said he knows his father told him her name but he didn't remember it.
Howard did his JD impression and created that conversation with his father about the wedding and him wanting him to be best man. He had JD saying a lot of ''whatever'' and ''I don't know'' as he does often on the show. Howard kept that up for a short time and had JD mumbling and talking nonsense.
Howard asked if the wedding is going to be big. JD said he's not sure about that either. JD said that they may have to make a speech. Artie said he has to record that. Howard had pulled a name out of mid-air to use for the new wife and said it was Raven. Artie said it would be great if JD accidentally called her Raven.
Howard got back into his JD voice and goofed on him a little more about the wedding thing. Howard said he loves JD and he doesn't like what happens with him. He said that it's nice that his father is having him to the wedding though.
Howard said he wishes Chuck the best with this new marriage. He said he's heard him call into the Wrap Up Show before and he seems like a good guy.
Howard and the guys were goofing on JD and Artie was saying that he might be one of the closets friends he has. Howard wanted to ask him some questions about the stuff he does that he talks about. Artie said that he knows a lot but he's not sure what he can say on the air. He said he knows where JD lives. He said he doesn't know what he feels about anything though.
Artie said he's opened up to JD more than JD has opened up to him. Howard said that's the way Artie is because he had a conversation with him and he learned a lot of heavy stuff this weekend.
Artie said that he's off of heroin right now but what he's doing to stay off of it is insane. He said that he doesn't have a phone and he has two ex-cops escorting him around to make sure he stays off the stuff.
Howard said he's going to make JD his project. Robin said that she wants him as her project and Howard can have Artie as his.
Howard said that he wants to start new with JD. Howard said hi to JD and told him he's been thinking about him and how he's feeling. JD said he's fine, but not right now because he's not liking talking about himself. Howard said that he's going to do this off the air too.
Howard asked JD how work is going and if he enjoys that. JD said that he is. Howard asked him what he has planned for the future. JD said he wants to make movies eventually. Howard laughed at that. He told JD to get out of there.
Howard asked JD when he's going to start making movies. He's almost 30 now. JD said he's working on stuff with Artie. He said that's something. Howard thanked him for that and said it was impossible to get to know him. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he's a big fan of Sirius Hits 1 but he wants the hosts of the channel to shut the fuck up. Howard said they're good with the team they have there but sometimes he tunes in around 11 and he just wants to hear music. Howard said they should just play the hits and get on with it.
Howard said that his philosophy is that you play music on music stations and talk on talk stations. He said that's supposed to be a music station.
Howard said that the channel is okay do a little chatter in the morning but he'd like it if they played music by 11 or so. He wants to hear Lady Gaga and things like that.
Howard played a Baba Booey song parody that was to the tune of ''Boom Boom Pow.'' Artie was laughing his ass off at that song. Howard said they did a whole thing there. The song went on and on according to him.
Artie asked about Gary's kidney stone and if they did anything with that. Howard said he would have known if he was there on Thursday. Howard said that he spoke to Artie over the weekend about that illness and learned a lot of stuff about him.
Howard said that he had the top 5 songs that included songs by Flo Rida, Jamie Foxx, Kid Cutie, Lady Gaga and Black Eyed Peas. Artie didn't seem happy about the music that gets to be number 1.
Artie asked if they can believe that Ed has the channel. This is a guy who shits in a bucket. Artie told Howard he saw a special about Fleetwood Mac on that channel and it was great. He said that he learned a lot of cool stuff on that show.
Artie told Howard and Robin about the stuff he learned on that Fleetwood Mac special and gave them the very detailed stories about how they had their drinks spiked with acid and how they weren't going to go on tour because they were so paranoid. He told some other story about another guy in the band that went out and vanished one night and got caught up in some kind of cult.
Howard said he has to watch this Munsters thing. He said he's obsessed with them and it's his favorite show. He said it's the greatest show ever. Howard said he read a really cool book about the show. The book is ''The Munsters: A Trip Down Mockingbird Lane.''
Howard said he's thinking about getting one of these Kindle things from amazon.com. He said that he was reading about it and how he's thinking that he might be into something like that. He's thinking about trying it. Jon Hein has one and they may have another one coming out soon. Howard said he'd like to see more newspapers on them though.
Howard said he was reading that the NY Times might be going out of business. Robin said she doesn't think that will happen and they'll figure out a way to be relevant on the internet.
Howard read a story about Jenny McCarthy getting all serious about stuff and doing things with Oprah Winfrey. Howard said it's kind of sad actually.
Ass Napkin Ed asked if he could come in and promote his gift buckets. He said that you can find them on ebay. Howard said he could plug them but he doesn't want him coming in to promote them. Ed said he has toiletries in the buckets. Artie said that's actually an interesting idea.
Howard read the note that this guy sent in about wanting to date Lisa. The guy is living in L.A. right now but he's willing to fly out to meet her. He's 33 years old.
Robin asked what kind of future that could have if he lives in L.A. Howard asked Lisa if she would date a guy 33. She said she wouldn't. Howard showed her the guy's picture. Robin said she was shocked.
Howard said the guy looks older than 33. Howard said he looks like Doug Goodstein. Artie said he looks like a shithead. He said he was just kidding.
Lisa said that she wants to date guys 40 plus. She said that she didn't think that guys that young were for her. Robin said that he could be her soul mate for all she knows. Howard asked if she would date an Ashton Kutcher. Lisa said that she wouldn't do that. Howard said he'll keep looking for her even though she's not interested in this guy.
Howard said that Scott the Engineer's cousin called in asking to date Lisa too. He played the voice mail he left about that. Howard said he's sure that Lisa heard that even though she left the studio. Robin was wondering why he didn't play that for her when she was in there.
Howard said thate Man called in and left some voice mail about Melissa Rivers. Howard played the voice mail and had Hate Man talking about how awful Melissa was looking on the show. Hate Man said that she's ''one scary Jew looking whore.'' Hate Man also threw in the C-word and said ''Ta ta'' as he was saying goodbye.
Howard had another Hate Man call where he was going off on him and about Oprah. Howard played that one and listened to Hate Man get vicious about a bunch of things. He threw out the N-word a bunch of times. Artie asked Howard why he doesn't fire him and Benjy and hire that guy.
Howard said that Ralph was reviewing the old episodes of Star Trek in preparation for this new Star Trek movie. Ralph said he watched star Trek 2 the Wrath of Khan and some other stuff that is supposed to be related to the new movie.
Howard said he got an e-mail from JJ Abrams who was going to stop by and say hello to them today. Ralph said he got an e-mail from Damon Lindeloff from ''Lost'' and he was out geeking Howard. Howard said he didn't out geek him and hung up on him. Howard said he's a bigger nerd than Ralph.
Howard said he had to take another break. He said that he's really tired and he has to get out of there by 10. He said that he usually does 5 hours but not today. Howard said he's contracted to do 4 hours and he's not going to stick around for 5 today. Robin said that's not very professional because he doesn't usually do that kind of thing.
Ralph called back to ask what was wrong with the outfit he had complained about earlier. Howard said that he just didn't like the way the shirt and pants looked together. He said that Toni even said that it was a little ''off'' when he asked her about it. Howard said Ralph should know how to dress him by now. Ralph said he has to get a picture of it to see what was wrong with it.
Howard said that Ralph sent him a note about how he didn't have any white undershirts there and said he needed them from home. Howard said that he should have just gone out to buy him some more. They went back and forth on that for a minute before they went to break.
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Howard came back and offered some steamed vegetables to Robin. Robin didn't want them. Howard told her to come and eat them. He said he had all of that good stuff she likes. Robin said she's not chewing right now. Howard gave them to Benjy instead. Robin wondered when Benjy got healthy because he had turned down the sauce that he had.
Howard said that Artie still isn't eating healthy. He said that he was talking to Artie about that stuff over the weekend. Howard said he's not sure what Artie wants to talk about on the air though. Artie said that he appreciates everything that Howard has done for him. Artie said that he had an anxiety attack last week.
Artie said that he thinks that Charlie Parker might be his role model. He had a quote from the guy where he said that they can get it out of your blood but they can't get it out of your brain when he was talking about heroin. Artie said that he wanted to score last week and get some heroin and it made him nuts.
Artie said that Miles Davis got off of heroin and said that he had to be left in an apartment for 5 days alone. He said that if you go the methadone way or the Subutex way it never gets out of you. Artie said he was doing okay until the other day. He said that he would have done anything to feel better and if he didn't have these guys around him then he would have gotten something. Artie said he's paying these guys to keep him safe from himself.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that he's never going to get better. Artie said he thinks that he will eventually get better. He said he's doing the best he's done in 5 years. He said that he would go back 5 years and bat himself on the head for doing it again. He said that was a huge mistake.
Artie said that he's going through hell when he wants to get this stuff. Artie said that he gets uncomfortable when he gets that feeling. He said that he was going through the mental thing and he would have done anything to get the stuff. Artie said that if he couldn't have gotten a heroin dealer he may have jumped off the balcony.
Artie said he was talking to the shrink that Howard's guy recommended. He said that he's talked to him more on the phone than he's seen him. Artie said that he's seen the guy 5 times and he assured them that he has seen him. Howard said that he wasn't sure that he was actually seeing the guy.
Artie said that he's going to see someone new today. Howard asked why he keeps changing people. Artie said that the guy is bright but he's not sure he relates to him the way he might relate to this guy he's trying today.
Artie said that the guy was telling him that this is a success story because the precautions he put in place worked at keeping him from doing the heroin. He said he's also losing weight and he's down by 40 pounds already. Artie said that he has an organized program in effect now. He's losing weight and staying off the heroin.
Artie said that he didn't want his mother to make him go away to this place Promises out in Malibu. He said that it's $75,000 for a month. They told him he'd have to stay for 2 months if he went. It would cost him $150,000.
Artie said that what he's doing with these guys is going to cost him a lot but he thinks that he has to do this drastic stuff to keep him from doing this stuff. He said that there's nothing better than not getting phone calls. He said he doesn't have a phone right now and it's great.
Artie said that he has this assistant helping him out with business deals now and it's working out really well. Howard said he's happy that he has a plan in place and that it's working.
Howard said that whenever someone does something bad they put him in the picture. Howard said that it's the same with Janks as it is with Robert Schimmel. Howard said he thinks that it's almost like the media is trying to say that anyone who does something bad comes out of the Howard Stern Show. He said it's almost like he's evil and that's where they get it from.
Howard said that anyone who does anything good never gets pictured with him. He said that Paul Giamatti and Allison Janny were in his movie ''Private Parts'' but you'll never see a picture of him with either of them when they do something good. Howard said he has nothing to do with Schimmel's arrest but they show pictures of him with him in all of these news reports. Howard said that he had nothing to do with Janks arrest either but they're showing pictures of him with him as well.
Artie started to sneeze a bunch of times. He was laughing and then started to sneeze. Howard said that he should have done that on mic.
Artie said that he got a letter from Janks' lawyer this morning when he got back. He said that the guy is helping Janks out for free. Artie said that the guy told him that it's one of the most complicated messes ever. He said that the guy was asking him to confirm that he was going to appear at an event to help Janks make restitution for the people he allegedly ripped off. Artie said that he will definitely do the appearance when they want him to.
Ralph said that he was out yesterday and a woman came up to him and said that she heard that Howard was in trouble with the whole Robert Schimmel thing. Ralph said that people are stupid. They don't know the story and just assume that Howard had something to do with that news report. Howard said that's what pisses him off when they put this stuff in the news.
Shuli said that Big Foot has been saying that he's going to be evicted from his apartment that's apparently filled with bugs. He's blaming the government.
Shuli said that Stuttering John still doesn't know if he's going with Jay Leno on his new show. John also had some comments about Howard Stern in the article he was interviewed for. John thinks that the Howard Stern on the air is the real guy and the guy off the air is the fake one. Howard said his shrink would probably agree with him on that.
Howard said he was really good at eating all weekend but he ended up gaining weight. He said that it was probably what he's been drinking that's made him gain weight. Howard said he loves drinking.
Robin asked Artie if he's on every wagon now including the gambling. Artie said that he hasn't even gambled in about 2 weeks. He said he could be gambling on a lot of stuff but he's not.
Howard said he loves Artie's life because no one is looking for him to help out with a computer. He said that Artie is too busy with his own life.
Howard told Artie he has to get off of the loaning money thing. He said that he's kind of in the same boat as Artie but he tells people to fuck off. He said that no one was handing him money when he was growing up and now they all have their hands out. He said that they're a bunch of ''cock sucking fucks.'' Artie said he knows what he means. Howard said that not one of those people asking for a hand out ever helped him out when he was down.
Howard and Robin told Artie about the guys calling the Iron Sheik with clips of him last week. they had Sheik all pissed off at Artie when they did that. Howard asked the guys to pull that clip from last week.
Howard said that he had audio of a jockey crying after a horse race. Howard said that this was Calvin Borealle. He played the clip of him crying as he was talking about how he wishes his parents were there to see him win. Howard said the guy just rode a fuckin' horse. He said that no one even goes to the track anymore.
Howard asked how long the clip goes on. Gary said the guy cried at the beginning. Howard said that he should have cut the clip off earlier. Gary said it wasn't his fault, JD told him that it sounded funny to him. JD came in and said the guy didn't have any front teeth and it sounded funny to him. Howard said what's funny is that JD doesn't know what his father's bride's name is.
Howard said he loves that kid JD and he's thinking about socializing with him. He said he's not sure he wants to spend that much time with him though. Shuli said he's a good guy but you forget he's even there. Artie said that JD knows about everything that's going on with him out on the road and he'll just start laughing when he walks into the room.
Artie said that he thought he knew JD but he really doesn't. He said he knew his goal of wanting to be a film maker but that's about it. Howard said he may sit in the same row as JD at the screening of Star Trek today.
Howard asked Artie if he knows JD's brother's name. Artie didn't know. Artie did know that he worked at a Best Buy or something like that. Howard told Artie he wants him to take interest in JD and talk to him more. Artie said that they've been talking about some stuff like the reality show thing. He said that he and JD don't talk about everything.
JD said that his brother's name is Jason and he does work for Best Buy. Howard told Artie he has to talk to JD about real stuff. JD said even he doesn't want to talk about real stuff. Howard asked JD if it's strange for him to see his father marrying a strange woman. JD said it was a little weird. He said he's not sure how social situations are going to change when he goes to visit him.
Howard asked if he's looking forward to the wedding or is he stressed. JD said he's very stressed. He said that being around people is stressful to him. JD said that he finds it hard to deal with people. It's a challenge to him.
JD told Howard he's not going to the Star Trek thing today. Gary came in and said that he had something to talk to Howard about off the air. He said that he could talk about it on the air. Howard told him not to talk about it. He said that it was probably JJ Abrams. He said he had to go home, he can't sit for 10 hours a day doing radio. Howard said he'll go out and say hi to JJ during the break. Howard said he can't do a whole interview with him this late in the show.
Howard had the clip from the Iron Sheik interview where the guys called in with Artie clips. He played that and had Artie laughing at that. The clip went on for a couple of minutes. ARtei sadi that would have really sucked if he had fucked him wtih his 10 inch cock. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Robin to get to her news after that. Howard said that JJ Abrams was there but he really couldn't spend any time with him. Howard told JJ that he's a great guy but he can't spend much time with him. He gave JJ some plugs and mentioned some of the shows he's produced like ''Lost'' and ''Alias'' and now the Star Trek movie. Howard said that the big deal movie is starting this weekend.
Howard said that the guy who plays Spock in the movie really looks like Leonard Nimoy. JJ said that it's really weird that they look so much alike. They spent a short time talking about that. they also talked about the woman playing Uhura in the movie. She's really hot according to Howard and Artie.
Howard asked JJ how long the movie took to make. JJ said it was like a 6 month shoot and then a year of special effects work. Howard said he's a huge Star Trek fan and he's seen all of the films. He said that he liked the Wrath of Khan the best. Howard said he heard that this movie is going to be really good.
Robin said that she was out at Lucasfilm when they were working on the special effects. JJ asked her what she was doing out there. She said she was just walking around the halls there.
Ralph called in and said ''How dare you disrespect JJ.'' Howard said he wasn't disrespecting him. He said that he showed up late. Ralph also mentioned the new show ''Fringe'' and how that's another one of JJ's shows.
Robin was saying that they've done a good job with ''Lost'' this season when that came up. Howard said he hasn't been watching this season at all.
JJ talked about how he doesn't think that they're going to be able to beat the Wolverine movie this weekend. He said that's huge. That led to Fred playing the Paris Hilton ''Huuuuuge'' clip a couple of times.
JJ talked about how there is 44 years of Star Trek out there and they're giving the movie really good reviews. He said that he was out on the street and asked a guy if he was going to go see the movie. The guy said he's just not into Star Trek. Howard asked JJ if he's nervous. JJ said of course he is.
Howard asked what number he'd be happy with on the first weekend. JJ said he'd be happy if they make $50 the first weekend. He said that the last one only made $40 million total. Howard said that JJ will probably kill himself if he only makes like $15 million. JJ said that's probably what will happen.
Howard asked JJ where he will be this weekend when the movie opens. JJ said that he'll probably be out in L.A. He said he wishes he lived in New York.
Howard asked JJ if he's going to go see the movie with an audience. He said he might do that but then they're going to Japan to release the movie there. Howard asked if he wrote the script. JJ said he didn't, he had a couple of others who wrote it who were Star Trek fans.
Howard asked JJ why he can't just send the stars over to Japan to promote the movie. JJ said that they want him over there. Howard told him that he can get laid like crazy over there according to the guy they had on the show earlier. JJ wasn't aware of all of that stuff.
Howard asked JJ if he can make an R-rated movie. JJ said he could. He said he'd love to but the way things are now are crazy. He said that he will make an R-rated movie eventually.
Howard asked JJ about this Zoe Saldana who plays Uhura. They talked about how hot she was a little more. They were also talking about why the movie is coming out around the time that Wolverine is out. JJ said that he was told that it was going to come out after Wolverine but he didn't know it was the week after.
Howard asked JJ about how much he's worth now. JJ said that it's not that much. Howard guessed it was $100 million but JJ said it wasn't that much. Howard asked where he's living now. JJ said he's in the same house he's been in for a long time now.
Howard said that JJ has been really nice to him and his kids. He said that he remembers him from the Felicity days and how nice he was to his kids. Howard said that he will do favors for him if he ever needs them.
Artie said that JJ called him after he was on the show for about 2 months and told him that he was good on the show. He said that was really nice of him to do that.
Howard said he predicts that Star Trek will gross $79 million. JJ said that they're tracking good but they haven't said what they're going to make. Howard asked JJ if he'll blow him if he makes that much. JJ said that he will.
Howard asked JJ why he hasn't been in any of his movies. JJ asked if he would really do that. Howard said of course he would. He said he gets offered the shittiest movies. Howard said that he would never play himself again in a movie. He said he was going to do one with Barry Levinson but he didn't have time to do it. Howard said that the movie came out but with Robin Williams in it. Howard said that it would have been great if he had done it.
JJ said he would love to work with Howard but then Howard said that he doesn't have time to do anything and he should speak to his agent.
Howard let JJ go and told him to write down the ending to ''Lost'' on his way out. Howard said he predicts that Star Trek is going to be huge. He said that Wolverine won't be number one two weeks in a row. Artie said that he's interested in that movie even though he was never a Star Trek fan.
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Robin read about David Hasselhoff being found out cold on the floor of his home by his youngest daughter over the weekend. He was apparently drunk with a .39 blood alcohol level. Howard said that he loves the show he hosts and how no one ever points out how insane he is.
Robin read that John Edwards is under investigation for possibly using campaign funds incorrectly. Howard said that Baba Booey was also mentioned in last week's ''My Name is Earl.'' He played the audio of that quick reference. Artie joked that they're so into the show that they're also suing Captain Janks.
Robin read some news about Rudy Giuliani not showing up for a gay wedding even tough he was supposed to show up. Howard ended up talking about how the Republican party is being run by a bunch of nuts right now. He said it's time for them to take back the party from those extremists.
Robin read that Jay Leno was saying that it was the 17 years of hard work on the Tonight Show that led to him going to the hospital last week. Howard said that Jay should be telling people like Stuttering John if he's going to the new show or not. Howard said that's just wrong. Robin said that maybe it's the stress of that which led to Jay going to the hospital.
Robin had some news about CBS bragging about their ratings going up on TV lately and how they're not going to lower their ad rates.
Robin had some news about the wife of the Italian prime minister asking for a divorce. Robin read through that and Fred played what Artie referred to as a Chef Boyardee commercial in the background.
Robin read a story about someone who had a book deal and that led to Howard talking about Beth's book and the fight they got into about that. Howard had to take another break in the middle of Robin's news. He was hoping that he'd be out of there by then.
After the break Howard had Robin get right back to her news. Robin read a story about women having kids older and how it really doesn't cause as many problems as they thought.
Robin read a story about a Dallas Cowboy's assistant coach that was paralyzed after a training camp tent collapsed during a storm. The guy is paralyzed from the waist down.
Robin read about President Obama and his family being invited to the set of American Idol. Robin said she hopes that they don't show up. She said she doesn't want to see their president on American Idol. Howard said he'd love to see that. Howard said he'd also love to see Bruce Springsteen show up there. Artie asked that they please not have him on.
Artie said that he had a guy come up to him with a picture of a chimpanzee giving the finger and the title was ''Greetings from the first lady.'' Artie said that he actually got sad when he saw that even though the fan who showed it to him thought he'd laugh at it.
Robin read some news about Senator Arlen Specter and his reasons for leaving the Republican party. He said that one of the reasons was his views on health care.
Robin read some news about the swine flu and how some people think that they can get it from eating pork products. They're saying that you don't catch it that way as long as it's cooked the right way. Robin said that the flu there is no more of a problem there in the States anymore than the regular flu.
Robin read about Wolverine being number one at the box office this weekend. She read that it made $87 million in it's first weekend. She had some audio clips of some people involved with the movie talking about the huge amount. That led to Howard reading some e-mail about Hugh Jackman's appearance on the show last week. The fans seemed to really like the interview.
Howard read some mail about the Iron Sheik and people don't want them to have him on the show again. Howard read a few of those and then had Robin get back to her news.
Robin had some news about last night's Celebrity Apprentice and who was ''fired.'' She had some clips from the show where Donald Trump fired Jesse James and Brande Roderick. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that show and Fred has been watching it so he filled them in on some details. Fred said that Jesse James looked like he wanted to kick Piers Morgan's ass in one episode but he held back. Fred said he should have kicked his ass based on what he saw.
Robin had some news about the new Flo Rida album coming out and played some clips about that. She also had some news about Amy Winehouse fainting while out on a trip. Howard said that it's funny that her name even has a substance in it. Howard said that would be like Artie having a name like Artie Heroinhouse.
Robin asked Howard to play some audio of Dolly Parton's ''9 to 5'' song. Robin said that the movie has been made into a new Broadway show. Dolly Parton wrote the songs for the new show but doesn't appear in it. Howard said he wishes that she'd come on the show.
Robin read some news about a new show that Ted Nugent has coming out. She had Howard play some of his ''Cat Scratch Fever'' song. Howard said he thought that was the heaviest song that he'd ever heard when it first came out.
Robin read a story about Yoko Ono sending out acorns to a bunch of world leaders asking them to plant them in the name of world peace. Artie said that she's perpetually annoying.
Robin said that Britney Spears having a problem with a fan who tried to get too close to her at a concert over the weekend. The fan jumped on stage while she was performing. The guy was arrested and charged with interfering with the police.
Robin had some audio of the guy who plays Spock in the new Star Trek movie but Howard lasted about 2 seconds with that. Robin also had some audio of some actress talking about working with Matthew McConaughey. Howard didn't last long through that clip before cutting it off.
Robin wrapped up with a story about Cindy Crawford's husband Randy Gerber who had a sexual harassment suit filed against him. Artie laughed when he heard that. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:45am.
Benjy said he felt so relaxed today when he came in. He said that he felt like he was on time. Gary said that the way Benjy is cutting it, he's at the mercy of the song that Fred chooses to play at the start of the show. Benjy didn't believe that it was that late but Gary assured him that it was.
Benjy said he'll go for earlier. Gary said that he doesn't care, he can run at whatever time he wants. Today would have been the wrong day to show up late. Benjy said that he thinks that Howard has been in a bad mood for a couple of weeks now.
Jon ran through some other stuff they were going to cover today and mentioned the JJ Abrams interview that was kind of short. Gary said that Howard was in a bad mood today because of that fight he had with Beth. Gary said that was their first fight in 9 years and just one fight in that time is pretty good and if he goes another 9 years he's going to have a great marriage.
Jon and Gary talked about the fights that they had with their wives before they got married. Gary said that you'd think that it wouldn't have taken so long for a fight to finally happen. Gary said that Robin was right when she told Howard that he has to give Beth a break because she's under so much pressure writing that book. Howard was saying that he didn't want her writing it though so that's why he was arguing.
Jon said that holding in that stuff isn't good and the damn is eventually going to break. He said you have to let it out eventually. Jon said that you hold it in and then you're going to explode.
Gary said that he and his wife agree on a lot of stuff but it's the little things that they fight over. Gary said that he fights about dumb stuff like things moving around in the bathroom.
JD said that he hasn't been in a relationship like that so he wouldn't know. He said he doesn't like to fight either so he wouldn't know. JD said the longest he's ever dated is about a month. He said that he can barely take care of himself so he doesn't need to take care of someone else.
Gary asked JD if he's more into relationships or just banging chicks. JD said right now he's just into banging chicks. He said he hasn't found the right one yet. He said that he can't say he'd turn down the right one when she comes along.
JD said that he doesn't know the full legal wrangling's with getting married and stuff. He said he doesn't like lawyers and stuff. Gary said that there are no legal wrangling's. He asked if he thinks that he needs a pre-nup. JD said that he doesn't need one now but if he does marry someone and he turns successful then he'd have to worry.
JD said that there are a lot of people getting killed for their money and he doesn't want to get married if something like that happens. Gary asked him why he would think that when so few people get killed like that. JD said it does happen though. Jon said that JD was saying that he doesn't want to marry because he might some day get killed by his wife. JD said he hates being on the air sometimes.
Jon asked JD if he liked being on the air with Howard today. JD said that was weird and he didn't like that. Jon asked JD how they all found out about his wedding trip. JD said that he told Gary about it and he wasn't going to be there on Friday so he knew that Howard was going to find out.
Gary asked if that was supposed to be a secret. JD said that he kind of saw it coming. He said it wasn't a big secret or anything.
Gary asked JD if he finds it odd that he doesn't know the bride's name. JD said he now knows her name but he didn't want to comment about what he said earlier.
Jon played some audio of Howard making fun of JD earlier in the show when he didn't know her name. After playing that Jon and Gary talked to JD about how much Robin and Howard seem to like him and want to help.
Gary asked JD what he would rather have them talk about less, his mom or his father. JD said he doesn't want any of that stuff getting out on the air. He said it's all very weird to him.
Jon asked JD what he meant when he talked about how he and his dad don't talk about their personal lives. JD said they don't talk about who they're banging and things like that. JD said he didn't know that his father was dating this woman that seriously until last Thanksgiving. He said he thinks that they just started dating last July or so.
Gary asked JD why he doesn't talk to his father about what he does. JD said that he and his father don't talk a lot in their life so they don't have that much to say when they talk on the phone. JD said they just talk about the basics when they do talk.
Gary said he can see why JD wouldn't ant to talk about who he's banging but he'd think that if he was in a serious relationship he'd want to say something. JD said he would if it was that serious.
Jon took a call from the Mets guy who goofs on Gary every day. The guy said that JD seems to be a big narcissist based on what he's said about his father. He was going to say something to Gary but Gary pretended he wasn't there and the guy hung up.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that the same thing happened to her husband when her mother came out and surprised them with a boyfriend. She said that if the dad isn't sharing with JD then maybe it's his fault. Gary said they're not blaming anyone. He said that they just found it odd that JD didn't know his father's bride's name.
JD said that it's hard for him to get to know people and it takes a while. He said that he's very stand offish. The caller said that she doesn't think it's that interesting and it probably happens more than they know.
Gary said that this is only JD's father's second marriage as far as he knows. JD said that he's pretty sure that it's his third. He said he never met his first wife. JD didn't seem so sure that it was 3 times though. Gary got a laugh out of that.
Jon asked JD how old he is. JD said he's 29 and he turns 30 on December 29th. Jon said he had a big smile on his face when he said that.
A caller said that JD slows down the show so fuckin' much when he's on. He asked why he has to say ''You know'' after everything he says. The guy told him to describe what he's talking about before he says ''you know.'' He said it's like pulling teeth with him and it drives him crazy. He asked JD if English is his 5th language or something.
The caller asked how he can be 28 and not have had a girlfriend more than 30 days. JD said he can speak English just fine and then kept saying ''You know?''
Gary said that fixing JD's way of speaking would be like getting Gary the Retard dentures. He said that's just who he is and that's why they love him.
Jon asked JD about his giving and taking in a relationship. JD said that he doesn't ''give'' much in a conversation. He said that he and Artie have had conversations but not a whole lot. He said they do talk but not all that much. JD said that he's not that comfortable talking to some people. He said he's fine with people like Jon Hein but he's not there with Gary or Howard yet. He said he's not really there with Artie either.
Gary said that he doesn't see JD around as much as he used to be around so they get to talk even less now. JD comes in late at night and leaves after the show is over usually so they don't get to see each other much.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to bust JD's ass. He said that JD must have known his step-mother's name and he just didn't want to say it earlier. JD said that he knows it now.
Benjy asked if he knew the name then and didn't want to say it or did he really not know it. JD said that it slipped his mind at the time. He was put on the spot and it slipped his mind.
Jon took another call from a guy who brought up the ''My Name is Earl'' thing and how they actually had a ''douche bag'' reference in there and he was thinking that it was another reference to the show. Gary and Benjy didn't get how that was a reference to the show. The caller thought it was though. He was wondering who it is on the show that makes those reference. Jon said that it's probably Tim Stack because he's a producer and acts on the show.
Jon asked JD what time he goes to sleep. JD said that he tries to be in bed by 3 or so and then gets up around 9:30. He said that on Wednesday's and Thursday's he goes in earlier so he can watch the Eric the Midget show.
Jon asked JD if he thinks that he's ever going to have a relationship with Robin like he had in the past. JD said that he's not sure about that but he doesn't like her bringing up his mother on the show. He said that they also had some things happen around the time of the film festival when he bad mouthed her movie. JD said that Robin threatened to stab him in the eye with a pencil around then. They had to go to break after that.
Benjy said that it's when someone is in the boss role that you can get that way. He said that most people there aren't comfortable talking to Howard. Gary said that you're told not to talk to Howard in the hallway and when he stops to talk to you it feels weird.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he had to disagree with the caller earlier about JD not being relevant on the show. He said he thinks he's good on the show.
Jon and Benjy talked about the problem Howard had with Beth and about the fight they got into. Benjy said that it was kind of like the fight that David Brenner got into with his wife when she brought him shrimp for lunch one day even though he had told her many times that he didn't like shrimp. That was the day that Brenner realized that the woman didn't know him and he wasn't sure why he was still in the relationship. Benjy said that might be something that could happen to Howard and Beth.
Another caller said that Benjy sucks and he'd come there and fight him if he was in New York. The guy said that Benjy thinks he's so funny but he just sucks. He said that Benjy isn't going to have a career when Howard leaves radio.
Jon asked Gary what happened with JJ Abrams today. Gary said that when he got there this morning he got a note from Howard saying that JJ was going to stop by today. Gary said that he didn't know what time he was going to show up. He figured he was going to show up around 10 because he may not know the schedule of the show that well even though he's a fan. Gary said he showed up around 9:45 and Howard wasn't in a good mood. Gary said JJ handled the whole thing fine even though he wasn't on that long.
Gary said that some people just want to get on and plug but JJ turned out to be a good interview even though it may have been kind of short.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he saw Star Trek, on a bootleg DVD, and it was really good. He said he told his homies to hold off on releasing copies.
Gary said he wants to see the movie even though he's not a huge Star Trek fan. Jon said that he thinks that JJ may have been downplaying the whole thing and it's probably going to be a bigger hit than he thinks.
Gary said that there are a lot of people there who want to see it. He said that Jason had Steve Brandano over to his house this weekend to watch some of the movies because he hadn't seen any of them. Jon said he thinks they watched the third and sixth movies but he thinks that they should have seen the second one because that's the best of the bunch.
Jon told Gary which of the movies he should watch and told him to skip the first. He said that the second and third were good and after that they weren't all that great.
Jason came in and said that he didn't watch part 2 this weekend because he has seen it so many times. He said that he showed Steve the third and sixth movies because those are the movies he liked. Jason said that the second one looks pretty dated right now. Jon said that you just laugh at that stuff when you see it.
The guys talked about how many Star Trek movies there were and how bad some of them were. Jason said that there are some guys in the office that have no interest in Star Trek but they still want to see this new movie.
A caller said that he thinks that the fight that Howard had with Beth has something to do with the baby and Howard's refusal to want to have one. The caller was also giving Gary a hard time about some of the words he uses on the show too much and uses them the wrong way. He and Gary argued about the word ''notoriety'' and the way Gary uses it. The caller said Gary uses it too much.
Another caller said that they do have to watch the second, third and fourth Star Trek movie in order to see what happens. The guys agreed with him on that but Jason said he filled Steve in on what happened in 2 when they watched 3.
Another caller talked about the new movie and if they have good writing then everyone will enjoy it. Gary said he agrees with that. He said he didn't know anything about Iron Man before he saw it but he loved the movie when he saw it.
A caller said that he wanted to comment on the Star Trek stuff too. He said that he doesn't care about the name of the movie as long as the movie is good. He said that the TV show ''Fringe'' is really good and the writers who work on that worked on his Star Trek movie so it should be good. Gary didn't know anything about ''Fringe'' so Jon talked about how good that show has gotten lately. Jon told him he should try watching it from the beginning if he's going to try and catch up.
The caller also said that he's 28 and he wondered if it's weird to try and get into stand-up at his age. Gary said that's one of those things that you can get into at any age. Gary said that people he knows should be telling him if they think that he should be in it though.
Gary said that stand-up comedy and radio are two things that people always think they can do but it's not as easy as they think. Gary told him to try it out though because you never know.
Jason said he doesn't think she wants to date anyone. He said that she could find someone in the city to date but she doesn't seem to be trying. Jason said that the kind of guys that would be looking for Lisa aren't the kind she's going to be looking for. She's going to have to go for the kind of guys who are contacting her like the younger guys who are into cougars.
Jon asked Jason about what happened with Ronnie and Howard's lunch today. Gary said that he was walking out of the studio after hearing Howard talk about the lunch being out there and Ronnie just said he was busy when he told him that Howard was looking for his lunch. Jason said that Ronnie yelling in the hall isn't new either. He said that he didn't have much of anything to do with what happened out there today.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Howard gives Benjy so much shit for being late all the time. He said that he gets tired of hearing that when Artie is always pulling the stuff he pulls. The caller said that Benjy must bring something to the show. He was also saying that maybe Lisa G could replace Benjy. Gary asked what he was basing that on. The caller said that he was wondering if Benjy could be replaced.
Benjy said that everyone on the show can be replaced. He said that he thinks he does his job very well. He said that he's even written jokes about himself that Howard has said to him.
Jon said that Benjy showed up at almost 6 this morning and wondered if he's going to get kicked out of the studio if he shows up at 6:01 tomorrow. Gary said he thinks he will because it's too close to the last time he showed up late. Gary said that Benjy should shoot for 5:40 instead and show up at 5:45. Benjy said that's what he did.
Benjy said that he was leaving but it's hard for him to leave his apartment. He gets paranoid about stuff and can't leave without checking them. Benjy said that there might be something inside of him that's trying to make him defeat himself.
Jon brought up how Artie is on lock down with the two cops who are watching him. Jon said that Artie has no phones at this point. Gary said he heard him talking about the rehab thing and how it was going to cost him 150,000 bucks. He said that there are other rehabs he could have gone to. Gary wondered if he's listening to the show now. Jason thought he was.
Benjy said that hopefully this will give Artie time to get his mind off heroin and it's like he's doing rehab at home for himself. Gary said that this is almost like a rehab that Artie would do that he doesn't even need. He said that when Artie is agreeable with something that's not the right way to do it. Jason said it's great that he's trying to help himself though. He said that it may not help him in the future when he doesn't have those guys watching over him.
Gary said that Joe Walsh used to have this guy Smokey who followed him around. He did the same thing with John Belushi and he figured that there was no way that John Belushi was going to escape from his apartment through the tiny window he had, but he did. That's what those guys are going to have to deal with when Artie wants to get out.
Benjy said that Artie had a shirt on today that was a Wilmington Delaware shirt. Jon said he was thinking that might be an inside joke. Gary wondered if he got that down in Delaware when he used to buy his heroin. They weren't sure about that. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show doing his Tradio announcer impression. Howard said that they have to get that guy on the show. They talked about how he must be one of those religious guys. Howard kept doing that ''Tradiooooo'' voice and did the guy's voice for a couple of minutes. Artie said he must have some singing voice.
Howard played some of the prank calls that Sal and Richard made to the Tradio show. He had one where Sal called in with some things to sell like gold teeth from Auschwitz. The host just says ''okay'' when he mentions what he has for sale.
Howard said you know that guy is zoned out when he doesn't even react to anything those guys are saying. Howard said there was a Saturday Night Live bit that was kind of like that years ago. they had a radio guy who just said ''Uh huh'' to everything the callers would say.
Howard played more of the prank calls Sal and Richard made to the show. They had Richard crumpling paper trying to figure out what year motorcycle his grandson was trying to sell. He kept that paper crumpling for a couple of minutes. Then Richard started to crack up at his own prank call and wasn't able to keep it going.
Artie said that the stuff that Sal was saying to him was nuts. He was talking about a bottle of urine he was trying to sell. Artie said that those were some great calls.
Howard said he wasn't going to get sidetracked but he ended up doing it anyway. Howard said that the franchise was kind of getting bad so with this one they went back in time. Howard said the movie is amazing and the special effects are breathtaking. Howard said that there wasn't a slow moment in the movie at all and the old fans are going to love it. Howard said that it's like the best episode ever form the old show but even non-fans will like it.
Howard said the movie is going to make so much money. He told JJ Abrams to just stick with the franchise. He said that George Lucas wasn't able to do with Star Wars what JJ Abrams was able to do with this movie.
Robin said that they had such a great time seeing the movie because you felt great just walking out of it. She said that it was amazing as well. Howard said that everyone loved the movie that he spoke to. Ralph loved it. Howard said he's going to see it a few more times.
Howard and Robin said that Eric Bana was the villain in the movie and he was great in that part. Howard said the whole cast was great. Howard had no idea they could take that series and make it a hit again. Howard said the guy who plays Kirk is great and so is the guy from Heroes. Howard said that the guy playing Sulu is cool too. Leonard Nimoy has a big part in it as well and he was great in that part.
Gary said he saw the movie too and he's not a fan of the series. Gary said he's never even seen the past movies. Gary said he hated the old cast but the new cast is amazing and it all made sense to him even though he didn't know much about the old series. Gary said that there was probably a level over his head that didn't make sense but he still loved the movie. Gary said there were some things in the movie that didn't make sense but it was still a great movie.
Howard said the kid who plays James T. Kirk should be doing conventions and Priceline commercials. Robin said his name is Chris Pine. Howard said that he can imagine him at those conventions and cruises. Gary said the chick who plays Uhura is gorgeous and he wasn't able to take his eyes off of her.
Howard said he and Beth had their first fight over the weekend about her book. Howard said he got a note from Beth apologizing to him and he had to apologize to her as well. He said that she was frustrated with the book and this stuff was eating away at him. He ended up telling her about how he was feeling that they had their first fight like that.
Howard said he and Beth were writing notes back and forth all day and they were okay. Howard said that she asked if he wanted a divorce in a joking way. He said that they were all good by the time he got home. Howard said they kissed hello and he sent a note to JJ about the movie and all of that.
Howard said that he and Beth went to dinner and they were doing just fine. Howard said Beth had her phone with her and she was waiting for some text message. Then she got a text from Sal. Howard said Sal sent Beth an e-mail late in the day after they had forgotten about the whole fight. Howard said it was all over by that time. Beth didn't hear anything on the radio at all.
Howard said the note that Sal sent told Beth that they had discussed that whole thing on the air. Sal said he was sorry to hear about the ''save option'' story. Sal told Beth how that had happened to him one time and he gave her some advice on how to remind yourself how to save. Howard said that his head was steaming hot because Sal had sent her this note. Howard said Beth didn't even know that he had discussed it on the air until she got this note.
Howard said he and Beth both got angry. Howard said that Sal didn't even hear what he said on the air properly. Howard said the save function didn't work and it wasn't even Beth's fault. Howard said that Sal is such an idiot that he was saying that it was Beth who did it but it was actually his fault and he was telling Beth that it was his fault by doing that.
Sal said he was just trying to be nice. Howard told him to stay out of his life. He told Sal not to email his wife and to email him instead. Howard said that he'll just delete the email when he sends it to him.
Howard said Beth pointed out that Sal is trying to help her out after he was the one making jokes about her in comedy clubs. Howard said Sal is retarded. He told Sal that the save didn't work because this document was embedded in a Lotus Notes thing.
Howard was yelling at Sal and told him that they hit Save 50 times and it didn't save. He said that Sal has to stay out of his life and leave them alone. Robin told Sal it's none of his business to write about this stuff. Sal said he's the only one that cares then. Howard said he got notes from other people but they all sent their notes to him, not to Beth.
Howard said that he doesn't write to Sal's wife. He said it's none of his business. Howard told Sal that he didn't even listen to what he said on the air yesterday. Sal said he was working and didn't understand it. Howard told him to just stay out of his life.
Robin was going off on Sal as well so he shot back at her about how he was just trying to save their marriage and Robin wasn't doing anything to help. Robin told Sal to look at who is giving someone marriage advice. Sal said he's seeing the early signs of a marriage in trouble.
Howard told Sal to write a post-it note on his computer that says ''save his marriage'' like he was telling Beth to do with the note to save. Howard said that he tried to save the document and it didn't work, that's what they ended up fighting about.
Robin asked what human being doesn't know that this is real life and you don't send a note like that. Robin said that's a Sal thing right there. Howard said he's trying to get tight with Beth so he can eventually hang out with her and then both of them. Howard said that Sal is off the show if he does something like that again.
Howard read Sal's note again and pointed out his ''helpful tip'' for putting a post-it note on his computer so she remembers to save. Howard went off on him and goofed on him a little more.
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Howard said that things worked out well last night. He said that Beth wouldn't have cared much about the Star Trek movie. He said he told her to go see it anyway even though she might not care that much about it.
Howard said he addressed the crowd at the movie and gave them the Vulcan sign before the movie came on. Robin said she can't do that without moving her fingers with her other hand.
Bobo mentioned that he was at Artie's show on Friday night so they ended up talking about that. Bobo thanked Artie for hanging out with him. Artie said that Bobo cut his mullet off. Artie said he was there at the show with his lovely wife.
Artie said that he did this show and it was in the round so it was kind of strange. Howard said those shows must be weird but everyone gets a front view at one point. Howard said that it must be really weird to do that. Artie said that he has some physical stuff he does that he has to show the audience and he feels that he has to move around to show the whole audience.
Howard asked if there is anywhere else that they still build theaters in the round. Artie said he's done Westbury a couple of times but there are some up in Massachusetts that are in the round. Artie said that he did one show with Bob Schimmel up in one of those places and Bob almost got bitten by a brown recluse spider. Artie said that there were people yelling at Schimmel that he had the spider on his neck. Artie said that if he had gotten bitten he would have had about 20 minutes to get him to the hospital.
Howard said that Gary got a call from Bob Schimmel's manager and he was saying that he wasn't very supportive of Bob when he was reading the story about his arrest. Howard said he got pissed when he heard that. Howard said he thinks that Bob is a great comic but he really doesn't know him that well personally. Artie said that he really is a great comedian.
Gary said that Lee was kind of upset with him about not saying ''allegedly'' in the discussion. Gary actually sent him the tape and said that Howard did say allegedly and he kind of brushed that off. Howard said he wanted to find out what was going on with Schimmel and they've been very supportive of the guy in the past. Howard said he got kind of bummed out when he heard that.
Howard said he can't ignore the story. Artie said the manager should know better. Howard said that he can't just say ''she deserved it... allegedly'' when he's reading about the story. Howard said he wants Bob to come on and tell them what happened. Gary said that they're saying that everything isn't as it appears. Howard said he believes that and they'll eventually hear about it. Artie said that it should be a great appearance when he does come back on. Hopefully he won't listen to his lawyer about not talking about it and he will come on.
Bobo told Howard that his students were taking snippets of his hair while he was driving in his class and he had to cut it off to make that stop.
Howard said he remembers the driving instructor in his school and how he had to kiss ass so bad to make sure he passed the class. Howard said that license meant freedom for him. Howard said that the students doing that stuff to him is really messed up.
Howard said that shows a total lack of respect and it must show that Bobo is such a boob that they don't care about him. Howard said he's like ''Boobo.'' Howard said that he should have threatened to fail the kids instead. Bobo said that he figured cutting the hair off was a better idea. Howard said that was kind of retarded of him. Howard said he would just flunk the kids.
Howard said if he was in that position he would just fail kids if they did stuff like that and they'd be scared of him. Howard said that Bobo must have known which kids were doing it and should have pointed them out. Howard said he would have done that and he would have warned them that if they didn't stop they'd flunk. Howard said he'd give them a 0.0 grade and tell them that he was going to give the other teachers a note about what they did and how they should flunk. Howard said the kids would cry and he'd just tell them to go kill themselves. Robin said that might be a little much. Howard said that might be a little extreme and told Bobo not to do that.
Howard said Bobo is the guy in power. Bobo said he does get back at the kids but he just takes driving time away from them. He said that he'll delay them getting their license. Howard said that Bobo didn't cut his mullet off because it looked bad, he just cut it off because kids were putting stuff in it. Howard talked about how bad his hair looks with the mullet and the awful wig he wears.
Howard said this new movie is an anal film and he was going to use it the next time he has to jerk off. Howard said he showed the movie to Beth and showed her the video. He had left it on his desk and wondered where to put it this morning. He has thrown most of that stuff out so he didn't know where to put it. Howard said he found a place for it but he was afraid that his daughters were going to find it when they came over. Howard said that would be the worst.
Howard said he's so consumed with the whole porno thing. He said that he used to have a locked cabinet for stuff like that. Howard said in the old apartment he had a book shelf that had a false back with a sliding panel so he could hide his 500 porn movies in there. Howard said that was kind of creepy. Howard said he didn't have that panel built into the new apartment.
Howard said in his old apartment he had a hot tub and a nice bed in his bedroom that looked out over the city. Howard said that's where he would seduce women when he was a bachelor. Howard said that he pictured that being a lot of fun.
Howard said he finished that apartment and he asked a chick if she wanted to get into the tub one tonight. Howard said he had to fill that tub first. He said he figure she was going to see him naked and it was going to be horrible. Then he started to fill the tub and it was taking hours to fill. Howard said it finally got full and the mood was broken. Howard said he forgot to build stairs into the tub so he had to get nude and climb in there. Howard said he had a cellulite ass and a tiny penis. He had to spread his legs to get into the tub so it was a nightmare.
Howard said he only used the tub twice after that. He said he eventually got rid of it. He said he never took baths and figured that chicks did. Howard said Beth didn't want to use it because it was way too big. He said they went in it once after they started dating but that was it. He said she looked good in the tub but getting in it himself was a nightmare.
Howard said he was shivering in the tub because it wasn't warm. Howard said it was just stupid. He said that his balls were out on display and it was just dumb. Howard said that he shouldn't plan an apartment by himself. He said his ideas for the whole thing were just not working.
Howard said he had a round shower in the apartment and that was another awful idea. He said it was like performing in the round. He said it was unbelievable. Howard said he was finally the bachelor who got to design his apartment and it was a complete waste.
Howard said he had a prison toilet, made of stainless steel, installed in his apartment. He said they put that in and he went to use it the first time. There was no seat on it. He said the guy told him that they don't make seats for them because the prisoners will use the seats to beat each other. Howard said that they had to go out and buy a seat for it and he had to search all over for him. They found a seat but it was a regular plastic seat on it.
Artie said he's used a prison toilet twice now, one in Howard's apartment and once in prison. He told Howard that he's talked strippers into coming to his place and they take baths immediately. They're trying to clean up to fuck you. He said he didn't know that and one chick asked him what he was doing. He said she just wanted to clean up for him and told him to get out.
Howard said he had dreams of what to do in the apartment and they never worked out. Howard said that he did have Rebecca Romijn and John Stamos over one time and they all got into the tub at one point. Howard said it was kind of like a little pool. Howard said he got cold that night and started shaking. Howard said he ended up hopping out and going to bed because he was tired and cold. He left Beth in the tub with John Stamos and Rebecca. Artie laughed his ass off when he heard that. He said that Howard was in a tub with 3 models.
Artie said that Howard invited him and Dana out one night. They all went out to dinner and he and Dana went around and checked out the apartment. they were thinking that they should have gotten into the tub but thought better of it. Artie said he liked the tub. Howard said it's just not practical.
Howard said someone told him that you have to hire someone to fill the tub for him. Howard said he'd have to hire a lifeguard too.
Artie said he heard that Elton John has florists on the ready to bring flowers to places for him because he's so into flowers. Howard said that the guy almost went bankrupt from doing that kind of stuff.
Robin said she has a friend who is in that business and she had a king who ordered a ton of stuff like that she had some wild stories about what they did for that guy.
Howard said he learned his lesson about all of that bachelor pad stuff. Now their remodeling and straightening out all of that stuff. They're still in the middle of all of that. Howard said that the contractor had to have a meeting about it because it's going on longer than they expected.
Howard said he's going for the basic stuff now. He still has an office to work at. Howard said he has a whole hang up with desks and he loves to sit at them. Howard said he has a nice desk with a computer on it. He has his letter opener on his desk and things like that. He said he feels important when he's sitting there doing that stuff.
Howard said he has a TV in the room and watches his shows in there. Howard said he has a big picture of himself with Paul Giamatti from ''Private Parts'' and a big, giant cover of MAD Magazine where he was on the cover. Howard said that's his favorite thing from his career. Howard said he had a picture of him and Mayor Koch that he loves. He said he has a picture of his dad working at his recording studio when he was a young man. He also has a picture of his great grandfather. He said his cousin took that one years ago. Howard said he had Artie's Neil Young picture in there but he took that down. He also has a Rolling Stone cover hanging up too. Howard said he's proud of that stuff.
Howard said he even has his awards hanging in there. He said he's proud of a lot of that stuff that he's gotten over the years. Howard said that one of his awards broke and he's not sure how to get it fixed. Robin said he could probably get it fixed. Howard said he wanted the fist that he had in the studio but he thought it was something that the TV guys had made. Robin said that Ralph designed it and she had it made. Howard told Gary to wrap it up for him so he can take it home with him today.
Howard said he once got a cigar box with all of their faces painted on it. Howard said he keeps that in his office as well.
Artie talked about some of the stuff that the fans have sent to him as well. He said he's gotten some pictures and stuff. Howard said he's gotten stuff like that too and he loves them as well.
Howard said you have to embrace the home office thing and just enjoy it. Artie said that Mitch Hedberg had a joke about how he'd lay in bed and come up with a joke but he was too lazy to get up so he'd spend the whole night trying to convince himself that it wasn't that funny. Artie said he writes jokes down on napkins when he's in bed. Then he puts them into his joke journal.
Artie said that he was at an award show the other night and met Rip Torn there. Artie said that he was so nervous there and he's very intimidating. Howard said he did a scene with him on the Larry Sanders show. Artie said he was very friendly that night.
Artie said he got a gift bag at that event and he got a laptop in the bag. Howard said he got about 3000 emails from fans asking for the laptop. Howard said that it's Artie's laptop though so he's not going to give it up. Artie said he's going to try and learn how to use it. They had to break after that.
Howard came back and said that poor Gary is getting neurotic because of this first pitch he's throwing out on Saturday. Artie said he might be there that day to support him. He said he's not going to be there to bust his balls. Howard said that Artie was saying that it is a Mets game so if he does throw poorly no one will make fun of him.
Howard said that Gary knows he can throw the ball and reach the catcher. He said he threw 100 pitches with a coach and 95 percent were good. Gary said he bounced a couple in front of the plate and the others were pretty much in the zone. Now Gary is worried that he's going to throw one of the bad ones when he does the pitching.
Howard said Gary was thinking about taking his son out to pitch instead. The guys all warned him not to do that. Howard said that it might be putting too much pressure on his son if he did that. Gary said that Jackson is a huge Mets fan and he was told that they could to that if he wanted. Gary said he asked his son if he wanted to do it and he doesn't want the pressure.
Gary said that his son could throw that pitch in his sleep but he doesn't want him to do it if he's under pressure. Howard said that they might boo the kid so Gary didn't want to put him through that. Artie said that the Mets fans are brutal.
Howard said that Gary was thinking about having an Autistic kid pitch because no one can boo a kid like that. They wouldn't know that the kid has autism though so they probably would boo him.
Artie said that he saw a guy tell this player that his kid was the elephant boy at a game one time and the guy wanted to kill him. Artie told Gary to get the autistic kid to do it. He said that would be best.
Gary said that he can pitch but he's seen some people talking about how much pressure there can be. He said that Regis was out and pitched the first pitch at a game the other night and he threw it to the far left. Artie said that guy is like 98 years old.
Gary asked if Artie is really going to come. Artie said that he might. Howard said he should go. Artie said he's done the first pitch thing before and he threw a strike.
Howard said that they have tape of Artie falling down trying to catch a softball one time. The Howard TV guys showed that as they were talking about it. They all got some laughs out of that. Howard said he wishes they were on TV right then. Howard said it's a great fall because Artie falls down backwards and the ball hits him on the head.
Artie said that if he were at Yankee Stadium he might have that kind of pressure on him and could screw it up if he were out there. Gary said that the TV guys are going to be there when he does it and they're going to bring it back to show everyone.
Howard talked about playing a game out at a stadium one time and ended up hitting a double and he was the only one on the team who got a hit. It was a softball game but there weren't many hits. Howard said it wasn't even a slow pitch.
Howard said that he somehow got a hit that day and he's not sure why. Howard said there were much better players on the team that were striking out. Howard said that was way back when they were at WNBC.
Howard said he heard that Lisa G was upset that she's not going to be allowed on the field that day. Gary said she asked at the last minute and they only allow so many people on the field. Gary said that Lisa was upset that the TV crew were going to ask him questions but she wasn't going to get to ask the questions herself. Gary told her that she can get the tape from the TV guys instead.
Gary said that his kids are going to be there too so he doesn't want to look like a douche in front of them. Gary said he's getting mail from fans who are trying to calm him down and they're being really nice. Artie told him not to back down and just go out there and pitch.
A caller asked Gary who they're playing on Saturday. Gary said they're playing Pittsburgh. The caller said that Gary is being kind of like the Mets have been the past few years. Artie said he's right, he's choking just like the Mets.
Howard said that he'd find some way to get it out of there without having it surgically removed. Howard said if he were Gary he'd rather them open him up to remove it. Fred said that it beats going in through your dick Robin said that they don't have to put you under when they go in through your penis. Howard said he'd rather be put under.
Artie said that he was wasted when he had the catheter put in him and the doctors told him that they had never seen someone with so many drugs in them that day and it still woke him up when they stuck that thing in there.
Howard said he didn't want to talk about that anymore. He said that Gary's kidney could fail because of that stone. Howard said that they blasted the stone with ultrasound once already. IF they can't blast the rest out then they're going to have to stick a tube up his penis to pull it out. Howard said he'd be more worried about that than the pitch.
Howard said if he were Gary he'd be off the junk food that causes stones like that. He said he'd be on Robin's diet if that would help. He said he'd even do the enema thing if that were going to help.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he had that done to him. He said he had the camera up the dick and he had trouble pissing after it. He said it was like pissing fire and brimstone. Artie said you piss blood too. He said that it's normal but it freaks you out.
Lisa G said that they're still looking to get money for Blue Iris' burial plot. You can donate at BlueIrisProducts.com.
Lisa said that Lisa Lampanelli shot a pilot for a new sitcom recently. She gave some details on that and said that next time Lisa is on the show she may bring her new boyfriend in with her. Howard asked Lisa why Lisa Lampanelli can get a boyfriend and Lisa G can't. Lisa said that Lisa is out on the road more and going to clubs and stuff so she meets more people.
Lisa said that if Howard told her where to go to find guys then she'd go. Artie told her to go to the port authority and find someone there. Artie told her to try Del Fresco's right there in the building.
Howard asked Lisa if she would date a black guy. Lisa said she sure would but Artie didn't believe her. Howard said they should find a really big black guy like the guy in that movie ''The Green Mile.'' Artie laughed when he heard that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to set Howard straight on the SNL skit he mentioned earlier. It was actually Harry Shearer in ''Wayne's World.'' Howard said that's exactly it. He said that he knew it was Harry Shearer. Howard said the scene was really funny. The caller said the character's name was ''Handsome Dan'' in that scene. Howard said that Garth says something like ''You're handsome Dan!?'' when he saw him.
Howard said Sal had to send an email about what he and Beth were fighting about so they could get that whole thing going again.
Howard said JD used a term on the Wrap Up Show that no one knew. He said ''rub up'' and no one had a clue what he was talking about. Howard played that clip and said that they were figuring that maybe he meant to say ''brouhaha'' or something. Robin said that she thought it was ''Hubbub'' or something like that. JD came in and said that he meant to say ''hubbub.''
Howard said he was talking to Beth about JD last night. He said he was telling her about his dad getting married and how he didn't know the new wife's name. JD said he knows her name now. JD said he only met her once.
Howard said he just feels bad for JD because he doesn't know what's going on in his dad's life. He said he has to reach out to JD. JD said he's not a charity case.
Howard said he was looking for JD yesterday at the Star Trek movie. Artie said that shows how much Howard listens to him because he said he wasn't going to make it yesterday.
JD said he didn't want to say what his new step-mom's name was when they asked him what it was. Artie and Howard were coming up with names for her since JD wasn't talking. Howard said ''Titty Woman'' would be good and started to sing '' Pretty Woman'' with the Titty Woman name in there.
Howard and the guys asked JD what this woman looks like but JD was saying he didn't know. JD said he just didn't want to get into the whole thing. He just didn't want to talk about her. Howard asked if she had nice sized tits. JD said he didn't look.
JD told Howard that he was creeping him out and he didn't want to talk about that stuff. Howard said he was just trying to bond with him. Howard asked if the tits are bigger than his mom's tits.
Howard asked JD if Robin has big tits. JD said she does. Howard figured that he had to have looked at this woman. JD said that his dad's new wife has healthy sized bosom. Howard asked if they were bigger or smaller than Robin's. JD said that they're probably smaller than Robin's. He said that he may have looked at them for a second but he didn't study them. Howard asked if they were bigger than Benjy's. JD said he wasn't sure about that.
Howard said he felt sad for JD when he was thinking about all of that last night. He said he felt JD's pain. Howard said it's really sad that he didn't remember the woman's name. JD said that he does know her name. Howard said that's only because he made a big deal out of it yesterday.
Howard talked about how sad it is that JD doesn't know his mom very well and she doesn't come to visit much. Now his father is remarrying and he doesn't know the woman's name. JD kept saying that he does know her name.
Howard asked JD if he can love him. JD laughed and said yes but he was laughing. Howard told him not to laugh when he asks. JD couldn't stop laughing. Howard asked him in a serious manner about it and he still laughed.
Howard said he had a clip from the Wrap Up Show yesterday where JD said ''you know'' about 8 times in one sentence. Howard played the clip and counted up the ''you knows'' and ''I don't knows'' that were in that conversation. Jon and Gary were talking to JD about marriage when he kept saying that stuff. Artie was laughing his ass off as that was playing and even after it had stopped. He was laughing uncontrollably.
Artie said that you don't have to be Freud to see that the kid has a fear of intimacy. He said that there's nothing like a good broad. Artie said that clip was the funniest he's ever played on the show. Howard said he wanted to count the ''you know'' comments in the clip so he had a total. Fred was playing a bell sound every time he said it. Howard counted but said Fred screwed up and missed one. Howard had him start over. They counted at least 7 and Fred missed at least two of them. Howard told Fred to watch him for the cue to when to play the bell sound. He played the clip a third time. They came up with 8 ''you know'' in one JD sentence.
Robin said that JD repeats gibberish sometimes and you can't even quantify it as language. Howard said he had another clip where JD said that he ''believed'' it was his father's third marriage. He played that clip as well.
Howard asked JD if his brother has trouble talking like he does. JD said he thinks he's better. Artie said he's met him and he's much better in social situations. He said that his brother works at Best Buy so he has to deal with people all the time.
Fred was making fun of JD and doing his impression of him mumbling. Howard asked JD more about his brother and JD mumbled out some more stuff about him. JD said that he's older than his brother. Howard asked if he's like Napoleon Dynamite with the more competitive brother. JD seemed to agree with him on that.
Howard said he can't wait to hear about the wedding. JD is flying out for that this weekend. Gary came in with a picture of JD's brother and he had a hot chick sitting on his lap. JD had no idea who she was.
Howard asked JD if he's been thinking about his wedding speech. JD said he has but he has no idea what he's going to say. Howard wanted to hear what he had so far. JD said that he might look up some other speeches and figure out what to do from that. Fred did JD's voice and said ''Four score and seven years ago...'' and some other famous speeches that he might find on the web.
Howard said that JD doesn't know his father that well so he wanted to know what he's going to talk about. JD said he really doesn't know but he's going to keep it short. JD said that he's glad that they found happiness together and he hopes that they keep it going. Howard said that stuff sounded good to him. He told JD to just phone it in.
The Howard TV guys offered to tape the wedding for free but JD told them to stay out of his life. Howard said that they would have a great wedding video if he let them do that. Howard said that Chuck might really enjoy that. JD said he's not sure about that.
Howard said they'd let JD off the hook now. He said he hopes that he lets the Howard TV guys go. JD said that won't happen. Howard was going to let JD go after that but they just couldn't stop talking to him. Artie brought up how his father was a ''crazy crack head'' at one point. Artie told him not to bring that up at the wedding. JD said that he had to leave after that.
JD told Howard that he will accept his love like he asked earlier. JD just laughed when he said that so Howard asked him to accept his love in a serious way. JD kept giggling. He eventually said he would accept it and stooped laughing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he found information about JD's new step-mom on her Myspace page. Howard didn't let the guy say anything about her. He hung up on him and took another call from a guy who said that JD has been getting too much air time and he should stop with that.
Howard said that they weren't able to get into the building today. They're shooting a Nicolas Cage movie near there and they've been blocking off streets during the shoot. Howard said that they apparently crashed a car last night and it was making it impossible for anyone to get to work this morning shooting this thing. Fred said that someone was hurt last night in the crash. Someone was walking on the sidewalk and the car crashed.
Howard said Al Rosenberg was at the Star Trek screening yesterday. He said that Sal introduced him to some people as ''the great Al Goldstein'' and didn't even know he was giving the wrong name. Howard said that Sal constantly insults people. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back from break and said that the Cars were a great band. He said he loved those guys. Howard said he once had dinner with Ric Ocasek from the Cars. Robin said she was there. Howard wondered how that came about. Robin said it was at Mr. Chows but didn't know how it came about. Howard said Ric was a real nice guy.
Gary said that they have Todd Rundgren fronting the band now and they do a lot of the Cars songs. Gary said he saw them perform.
Howard asked about some Todd Rundgren album that he thought he knew and Fred had to straighten him out on that. Howard said he remembers hearing Rundgren saying that he could write a hit song whenever he wanted to but he never had another hit song after the one he had.
Howard said that you never hear from Ric Ocasek anymore. Howard wondered what happened there. Fred said that he wrote the music and the words so he's making all the money from those hit songs they had.
Howard read about some of the women who were at the event called the Costume Institute Gala. Howard said that the girls to pick up are the girls who want to be there in the gowns and stuff but aren't famous.
The guys talked about what this ''Haute couture'' stuff meant since they mentioned that in the article. Howard said it's like fancy fashion outfits that are one off things.
Howard was also talking about the chick that Leo DiCaprio is getting and how insane it is that he can't make up his mind about her. He said that Leonardo has dated some really hot chicks and he's having trouble making up his mind on which one he wants.
Howard said that it was like a hot chick convention at that gala. Howard said Madonna was there and dressed like she was 12. Howard said she must be confused because she's old and still has that same brain in her head that she's a trend setter. Howard said that it's just too much.
The caller was also saying that he thinks that Robin may have had some girl/girl action going on that night she got drunk and didn't want to talk about it. Howard said he actually knows what that was and it wasn't what the caller said.
Howard said that he knows what Robin did and even he feels weird about it and he wouldn't want the fans to know about it. He said that it was embarrassing. Artie said that she fucked Sal. Artie said that he's done what Robin did about 830 times. Robin said that he might be right. Howard said that Artie didn't know what it was but Artie said he actually did know what it was and he counted it up and it was about 830 times. Howard said he was shocked about what it was.
The caller told Howard to tell Eric the Midget to go fuck himself. He said that he's so ungrateful that he doesn't deserve anything that Howard has gotten him. Howard said he got a disturbing email about Eric. It had some pictures of Eric that were very disturbing. Howard said it was pictures of Eric taking pictures of his own penis. Howard said that he thinks it's really Eric because his club foot is in the picture. Howard said he has a good sized penis but he doesn't need to see that.
Howard had Eric on the phone so he put him through to talk to the caller. Eric told the guy that he didn't have his facts straight. The caller said that he would have Eric whacked if he were in his life. Eric called the guy ''shit breath'' and told him he was wrong about the girls he was talking about earlier.
Eric said that Howard didn't get him laid at the Bunny Ranch either. Howard said that he did because he was known through the show. Eric told them to shut up for a minute.
Eric went on to say that the only reason that he's ungrateful is because of fuck heads like this other caller. Eric said he has no problem with Howard at all, it's the fucked up fans that he has a problem with.
The caller, Vince, was telling Howard that if he set him up with a meeting like Eric got, he would be right there the next day. Eric told the guy that he wanted to be there today but he didn't have the money to be there today. Vince told Eric that he should call Johnny Fratto and borrow the money then.
Howard said that Eric must be sad about the guy's wife having lupus and cancer. Eric said that he's sorry that she married Vince. Vince asked Eric how many cocks he can take in his mouth. Howard asked Eric how many it was. Eric said ''none you loser.'' Howard said he can fit one and a half in his.
Vince told the fans to steal Eric's chair so he has to crawl around. Eric told him to jump off the highest bridge he can find. Vince said he would but he would like to toss over Eric first.
Vince and Eric exchanged some lame insults for a couple of minutes while Howard and Artie were egging them on going ''Ohhh!'' when they'd throw them out there.
Artie asked Vince for some more insults and Vince could only come up with him being a waste of life and at least he doesn't live off his parents like Eric does. Howard wondered if they could keep that up until 10 o'clock. He let Vince keep throwing out the insults but Eric kind of ran out of steam at one point. Artie was still yelling out '''Ohhhhh!'' whenever anyone would say anything. Robin said she thinks that Eric's head exploded.
Eric was telling Vince that the credit card thing he kept referring to was a bit that he and Johnny Fratto did. Howard said he never knew that was a bit. Howard said he could listen to this all day long but he had to wrap it up.
Vince asked if they had any games to play. Howard said he didn't. Vince was looking to play a game and gave up on the Eric stuff. Vince kept up the insults and Artie kept saying ''Ohhhh!''
Vince said that Eric asks for money from the show all the time. Eric said that he hasn't asked for money since they were at K-Rock. Vince said he asked for some money after his April fools day joke.
Howard asked Eric what was up with the picture of his penis. Eric said he doesn't know what he's talking about. Howard told him what the pictures were and said that his cock isn't that small in the picture. Eric said he doesn't know what he's talking about. Howard said that he'll send it to him. Eric said that he's pretty sure it's not his pictures.
Fred asked Eric if he has a Motorola phone. Eric said that he did so Fred said that it has to be him. Gary sent the picture to Eric so he could check it to see if it was him. Eric checked his mail and said that he had to sign into his AOL account.
Vince was still throwing out some jokes about Eric and getting the overreaction's from Artie and Howard. Howard showed the picture to Robin and asked her if she thinks it's Eric. Robin thought it was him.
Eric checked out the pictures and said that the one they were talking about was probably him. Howard asked why he was taking pictures of his cock. Eric said he sent it to a female. He said that she was a member of the JFSC and he hasn't seen her in there for a couple of months. Eric said that she asked for a picture and she hasn't been around lately. Eric said she was going to send him pictures of herself topless. He never got those.
Eric said that it wasn't a dude either, it was a chick. Howard said it's weird that he's seen Eric's cock. Howard said he loves that Eric thinks that it can't be a picture of his penis when he knows that it could very well be.
Howard said that Eric's penis is actually thicker than he thought it would be. Howard asked Eric if he was a little chubbed up in the picture. Eric said he may have been. Fred said that it looked odd and it wasn't in proportion. Howard said it looked like a hot dog. Artie said it was weird looking and freaked him out.
The guys asked Eric if he knew that his pictures were circulating. Eric said he didn't know that. Howard said he may send those pictures out as his own penis because it's bigger than his.
Robin wondered if this could screw up Eric's deal with ABC. Howard said he may have to send it to Robert Mills. Eric asked him not to do that. Howard said he may have to do that because the pictures could come out later.
Eric said that he doesn't think that he'd be in that much danger based on the shows they have on ABC. Howard said that Robert Mills just sent him an email saying he couldn't do the deal. He was just kidding about that. Howard said that Eric can't be sending out pictures of himself like that though.
Howard thanked Eric and Vince for the calls. Vince asked if he could be left on hold so he could listen to the rest of the show.
Howard asked Artie who won the fight today, Eric or Vince. Artie said he would have to say Vince. Eric was saying that at least he had money to listen to Sirius. Vince had to listen on hold. Fred said that Eric is spending his SSI money on that so it's actually the tax payers who are paying for it. Vince said he pays for it but his radio is screwed up.
Howard said that SSI seems to work out pretty well for Eric. He said he's thinking about trying that out himself. He had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that he was listening to a Hate Man voice mail where he's calling Robin the N-word. He also had Crazy Alice going off on Robin.
Howard said Alice doesn't like that he calls her Crazy so she was calling him ''gay Howard.'' Howard said she was defending him against Benjy but she went off on Robin for some stuff.
Howard played the Crazy Alice voice mail where she called Robin some names and then went off on Benjy for disrespecting ''gay Howard'' the way he does.
Howard said Alice was right about Benjy. She was also going off on the Jews in that clip so Howard said that she was right about them not being on people's top 10 lists.
Artie said that he had a fan come up to him the other day and told him that Benjy was the one who had to get his shit together. Artie said the guy was saying that to him of all people.
Howard played some Hate Man voice mail where he was going off on him for going out running with his daughter a couple of weeks ago. Hate Man suggested that he try a Segway out instead of trying to run. Hate Man said he'll be on one of those Rascal scooter things in a couple of years. He said he'd also have a drool cup. He called Howard some names over and over as he was wrapping up his call.
Howard said he may never know who Hate Man is because he's never seen him. He may never be seen. Howard played another clip of him going off on Robin too. Hate Man was calling her the N-word and saying he wanted to shit on Dr. Roni too. He said it was time to party and he was ready to do it with Robin. He brought up her father and his ham hands during that. He let the N-word fly a bunch of times at the end of that call.
Howard played the song and it was ''Just What I needed'' but with Todd Rundgren singing. The mix was awful and Howard thought it was his headphones at first. Gary said that's off of an album that they sell and that's the mix. Robin said it was missing something. Howard said he had trouble hearing Todd in the song.
Howard played another one of the songs off the album and the mix was just as bad. It was like all they were getting was the music.
Howard said he saw the Cars perform live one time and they were good. Artie said he didn't think that they were all that great because they just kind of stood there. Howard said he can't believe that the album would sound like that coming off an album. He said he thinks that someone screwed up when they recorded it and gave it to him. He said there's no way that's the mix.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that's the way it sounded in his studio. He didn't edit it at all. Howard said he thinks that Scott is somehow responsible. Scott said it wasn't him, he just checked it on his computer.
Howard had a clip of High Pitch Eric making a prank call to an internet radio show. He played that call and it was Eric trying to place a food order with them. The hosts were apologizing for the call after Eric cursed with the F-word. The hosts spent a short time talking about how people must have better things to do with their spare time.
Artie said that he'll have a review from Helicopter Mike about the movie tomorrow. Howard asked Artie why he won't go out and see it himself. Artie said that it's not in the theater yet.
Artie said that he went in for a physical yesterday. He said that he had to get that done and the doctor asked him what was going on and he told him about the heroin addiction and all of that stuff. He said that he spent a half hour going over that stuff and then got the physical exam. He said he had to do the mental thing first.
Artie said that his blood pressure is textbook perfect. He said that he's having his blood tested and all of that stuff as well. He hasn't found out how he is yet but he's getting everything checked out. Robin said that this is the most checked out man in America.
Artie said he had to go to the New York University and it's right next to Bellvue. He said that he was right there next to the loony bin.
Artie said that he went to a cardiologist about a month ago and he was 285 pounds. Yesterday he was weighed in at 258. Robin sounded surprised by that. Howard said ''Wow!'' Howard pointed out that he was close to 300 pounds at one point. Artie said he's not sure how accurate that scale is in the studio.
Artie said that when he gets down to the 220s he'll see the finish line coming. Howard said that Artie wasn't stuffing himself this morning. He said that Ronnie came in with Artie's food and he didn't have room to put anything down there. Artie said he was throwing out most of his breakfast. He's not even drinking Hawaiian Punch anymore.
Howard asked Artie at what weight he'll get on top of a chick. Artie said he still does that even when he's huge. Artie said that his hair is even starting to grow back. He's been playing basketball and that's keeping the weight off.
Steve got to his news preview and mentioned that Captain Janks has been locked up in jail for 12 days now. Steve said Janks' dad was at court but not in the court room with him. Steve said that he won't pay for him to be bailed out. He said he can't keep bailing him out and he's letting whatever happens happen.
Artie said that his mother thought about doing that to him when he was in L.A. County Jail. He said that a lawyer talked her out of that.
Steve said that Jim Florentine was a guest on Adam Carolla's show and talked about dating Robin and how it was ''mayhem'' while they were dating because of the spotlight that was on them. Howard said that he thinks that's not true and Jim is just saying that because he doesn't want to get personal. Adam also said that he doesn't have the ability to join that inner circle because he's been ambushed there many times.
Howard wondered what Adam is talking about. He said he doesn't ambush him. Howard said they've never given Adam that kind of attention.
Steve Brandano came in and said that Adam was saying that in the world with Howard 100 News and all is public and it's a little much. Steve said that Adam was also saying that when you're on the show things are going to come out on the air and when you're off the air it's different. Steve was having a hard time explaining it but said that they weren't being malicious toward him at all.
Steve said that they have a Date Lisa G show coming up soon that will be hosted by Lisa Lampanelli. He got in a plug for Jackie's Joke Hunt show and also for Riley Martin's show that's on at Midnight tonight.
Howard got back to complaining about his headphone levels. Gary said that Scott was working on it. Howard said that he wants to leave.
Jon Hein came in and went over the Wrap Up Show stuff that they were going to be talking about. He brought up Sal's text to Beth and that got Howard back on the subject.
Sal came in and told Howard that he emails other people on the show and it's not just Beth. Howard said that Sal even said that he won't talk to him so he has to mail Beth. Sal said that's true. Howard said that he doesn't want to have a personal dialog with Sal in his email. Sal said he knows that. He said that he and Beth are moving on with their relationship and that's why he's been in contact with her lately.
Howard let Sal go and took a call from a guy who told Robin that wine is not Vegan so she's not a vegan. Robin said she doesn't drink wine every day. She said that she knows it's not vegan though. Robin said she doesn't eat out that much either and that's why. She said that you never know what process the food has gone through. Robin said she's going to give up drinking wine because of what that caller said.
Howard took a call from Wheels who brought up the Stuttering John and Jay Leno thing. Wheels was willing to go out and do some questions like John used to do. Howard thanked him for that.
Jon got back to his Wrap Up Show preview and went through the rest of the list of things they were going to be talking about. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back from break and had Robin get to her news after Fred played a song parody for her. He played ''In Her Asshole.''
Robin started off her news with a story about their governor and how he must be the worst. She said that their former governor is beating him in the polls even though he was caught going to whores. Artie said that's not the worst thing in the world to do that. Howard said the guy went after prostitution though so he was a hypocrite. Howard said he doesn't have a problem with guys wanting to go to prostitutes either but if the guy is going to go after them the way Spitzer did then he's wrong.
Robin read about the Tony Awards nominations and Howard went into his effeminate voice as soon as he heard that. Robin had some audio of the nominees being announced.
Howard talked about some of the people who were nominated and how they really don't seem to be needed in movies anymore. Howard said that you just have to look at the young people that are in Star Trek to see that.
Howard was also saying that he's thinking of turning ''Private Parts'' into a musical. He sang some songs that related to some of the scenes in the movie.
Robin and Howard talked about the kind of money actors can make as a leading man on Broadway and in movies. Howard said that it's a big come down when you go to Broadway from doing a big movie. Howard said they might be making around 5 grand a week. He said that might be good money for a regular guy but not for a leading man.
Artie and Robin were going back and forth about some of that stuff too so Howard had to cut them off. Howard said he felt like he was running a circus there today.
Robin had a story about the father of the child that Madonna was trying to adopt. She had some audio of the guy talking about why he didn't want her taking care of his baby. Howard said that poor kid could have had food and an education and this guy is keeping her in the country so she can get shit on. The father claims that he didn't know the baby was alive until she ended up in the news.
Robin read some news about stoning and how that's supposed to work as a way of torture. Howard was still having problems with his headphones so he was still complaining about that.
Robin read some news about the Blackberry Curve phone and how it was the best selling cell phone. Artie said that he's spoken to women about that and they always wanted one of those things. Robin read about some of the other best phone list she had. She said that the Google G1 was right up there too. Some of the other Blackberry phones were on the list as well. Howard said the google phone is really nice and very easy to use. He really liked that one as well.
Robin read about some other phones that are coming out soon. Howard said Apple is making a mistake by not having the hard keyboard on the iPhone. Howard said he knows a lot of people who would get the phone if it had a keyboard. Howard told Robin to try typing on that fake keyboard they have and she'll see how hard it is. Howard said they end up missing their QWERTY keyboard. Robin didn't even know what that was.
Robin read a story about the best and worst paying jobs in America. Artie said his is the best. Howard said Benjy's is the worst. They went over some of the jobs on the list and talked about doctors and the kind of money they make. Howard said it is kind of fucked up they don't make more than they do but they do make pretty good money.
Howard said that the best paying job might be watching Artie making sure he stays off of drugs. Artie said that this one person is probably making more than a doctor. Robin said that the doctors are making about $206,000 on average.
Robin talked about some of the other jobs on the list that she had. There were many over $150,000 per year. There were some people who make very little washing dishes and serving food among other things.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's been inspired to check out TM and wondered if there's a way to look it up on the web. Howard said that you can look it up in the yellow pages. He said that you can just look up Transcendental Meditation. Artie said that the places are all over the places. Howard said he thinks that there's also TM.org.
Robin mentioned that it was Cinco De Mayo today. That led to the guys talking about that for a couple of minutes. Howard had some stories to tell about the teachers he had that were just awful to him when he was in school. He said that most of the teachers were normal and didn't pay any attention to him at all. He said the others tortured him.
Artie said he had the best teacher of all time and talked about how the guy would never fuck with him. He said that he told him to come in and tell jokes about current events to keep him out of trouble. He had him doing a Weekend Update type of thing that the teacher came up with and had him do that through the whole year. Artie said the guy was really innovative and a great guy.
Artie told a story about a teacher who kicked him out of class after he shot her with a water pistol. Artie said that she never kicked anyone out of class but he got kicked out. Artie said that he was so sorry he did that to her. He apologized to her this morning for doing that.
Robin read about the car that crashed into a restaurant last night during the shooting of a Nicholas Cage movie in New York City. She said that two people went to the hospital because of that. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard took a short cut and didn't have Fred do the whole commercial break thing. Howard just read the live commercials and had Fred turn up the music really slowly so it wouldn't blast him out of there. He was getting drained and could barely get through the commercials.
After the abbreviated break Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read a story about how dangerous texting while driving can be. A study was done to show just how distracting it can be. Robin said that some states are going to come out with laws to ban texting while driving. Howard said you'd think that people would have common sense about that and not do things like that while driving.
Robin read a story about a census taker who asked a woman if she wanted a back rub and what color panties she was wearing. Then the guy started touching himself and the woman threw him out. Robin said the guy turned out to be a legitimate census taker.
Robin read a story about the Miss USA runner up who has been seen posing for lingerie and bathing suits. She's been defending herself against that and her comments about what she thinks about gay marriage.
Robin read a story about Jaba Chamberlain's mother being arrested for allegedly selling drugs to an undercover cop. Artie said that's a great story.
Robin read a story about how the fine against CBS over the Janet Jackson boob incident is going back to the Supreme Court and a fine could be levied over it. Howard didn't say a word about that.
Robin read a story about some complaints that Saddam Hussein had after he had been captured. The New York Times had gotten copies of the FBI files on that. Hussein had asked for them to find out where the million dollars went that he had on him.
Robin read about how Lebron James had been chosen as the MVP of the year. Artie said that he really deserved that too. They had some audio of him talking about that. Artie and Howard spent a short time talking about basketball as well.
Robin read about Jada Pinkett Smith going back to doing TV. Robin had some audio of her talking about that move and why she's doing it. Howard said that she's not making money in the movies so she has to go back to TV. Howard said that actors and actresses are looking to be in movies, not go back to TV. Howard said that being a film actor is more prestigious. Robin didn't know that Howard was all about money the way he was this morning.
Robin read about Zachary Quinto being in Star Trek and TV. She said that he's in the new Star Trek movie and on Heroes on TV.
Artie was talking about how his career has been going and how he seems to be going backwards. He said that he's now on Satellite radio and the stock is worth about a dime. Howard said it's up to 38 cents, how dare he. Artie said that his drop price for that stock is like 6 bucks. He wants to hit someone when he sees where the stock is at.
Howard ended up talking about Star Trek again and telling everyone just how great the movie was. Howard said that it's very fast moving and so well written. Howard said that it was respectful to what the series was but it was like the best episode ever. Howard said it was very top of the line film making. Howard said it's not the greatest films of all time but it is probably the best sci-if film ever made. He said it might even be in the list of best movies ever made. Howard said that the cast of the movie were great and said that you never feel that they're doing a parody of the previous cast.
Artie said he thinks that his old manager may be managing the kid who played Sulu in the movie. Howard asked Robin to wrap up because the show had gone a full 5 hours already.
Robin had some audio of Dustin Hoffman talking about something but Howard cut that off quickly and wondered what the hell he was talking about.
Robin had some audio of Simon Cowell talking about American Idol and how he just goes with the flow with the show. They kicked someone off last night so they were talking about that.
Robin had some news about Trent Reznor getting married. Howard asked if it was a stripper because he's heard that he was really into strippers.
Robin read a story about Sting's daughter fracturing her skull at a restaurant. Howard said his mother took a fall at a restaurant too. He said he was asking her if she was being careful. He said she claims she was but she's all banged up about that. He said she walks too fast sometimes. He told her that but this accident was from her foot getting caught on the booth she was getting out of. Howard said he hovers around his parents like he used to hover around his kids trying to keep them safe. Howard said that he has to walk his mom out when they leave a restaurant and things like that.
Robin read that Dom Deluise died last night. He passed away in his sleep according to the report. Artie said he was a funny guy. Howard said he was great on the Mike Douglas show. Artie said that guy just stopped caring about his weight. Howard told Artie to look at who's talking. Artie said that he's trying to do something about it.
Artie said that he's lost a lot of stuff like his cell phone so he can't even call anyone now. He said that he's now just one year younger than his father was when he fell off the roof and got paralyzed. Artie said that he used to think that he had lived a long life but now he realizes it's not that long. They had to end the show after that, right around 11:05am.
Gary asked if the time on air gets him more chicks on Facebook. JD said that sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Howard really feels bad for JD. Gary said he thinks he does. He talked about that clip that Howard played where JD was afraid that he was going to get killed by his wife. Gary said that JD is such a nice guy and he doesn't deserve that. Jon asked if he feels that Howard pities him in a way. JD said that he does feel like that.
JD said he doesn't think that Howard should feel bad for him. He said that he shouldn't have to feel that way for any reason.
Benjy said when Howard turns the spotlight on JD everyone wants to help him out. Robin was talking about helping him and Gary wanted to make more of an effort to talk to him. Gary said that Jon and JD seem to talk more than he does with JD. He wanted to get to know him better. Jon asked Benjy if he thinks that they're doing that because Howard is doing it. Benjy said that's kind of what he's thinking.
Gary said that it just dawned on him yesterday that JD is one of his guys and he wasn't thinking about him until yesterday when they were talking to him. Jon said that they don't see JD that much since he has his own office there.
Sal said that Robin Quivers goes where Howard's wind blows. He said that she just does whatever Howard is doing and that's why she wants to help JD out. Sal said that she'd be the kind of person that would come and kick you in the back when you're trying to pick your teeth up off the ground after a fight. Sal said Robin is like a soldier following the leader.
Jon asked Sal if he thinks that Robin is a sycophant. Sal said he didn't know what that meant and said that she was an ''ele-fant.'' He said he was just joking of course because she's thin now.
Sal said that he was going out to see what Emerile Legasse was doing out in the lobby with Martha Stewart the other day and he was going to tell Robin about it but then realized what he was about to do. He said that it was like he was going to offend her with that because she's not eating meat. Sal said that it got uncomfortable when he brought it up.
Sal said that when Robin is talking about her diet, it's the only time that Robin won't agree with Howard. He said that she agrees with him on almost everything else.
Jon asked Sal if he thinks that Robin was really following Howard on the Beth thing. Sal said that was a nice gesture on his part trying to help Beth out. He said that Howard just has to project that stuff on him because he's trying to have a nice marriage.
Jon played some audio of Howard reading Sal's email to Beth that they were just talking about. Gary told Sal that he got some email from people who wanted to help out with the recovery of those files but he sent them to Howard. He said he could have emailed Howard instead of going right to Beth. Sal said he thought it would benefit her so that's why he sent it right to her.
Sal said that he will listen to Howard and not mail Beth at all. Sal said he didn't think much about the email when he sent it last night. He figured it was a 50/50 thing that Howard might pick up on it.
Jon asked Sal if he sees why Howard did what he did this morning. Sal said that he did but only because Jon thought it was right.
Sal said that he didn't think that he was doing anything wrong by mailing Beth about something that happened on the show. He said he wasn't trying to be malicious. Gary said he wasn't but he also wasn't thinking right. He said he thinks that it was a way to interact with Beth. Sal said he really was just trying to help her out with the save option.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal is a fucking prick. He said that Sal is working for the number one entertainer out there and he's talking to him like he's a regular guy. Sal said he'll talk to him like a different guy instead of like a regular guy.
Benjy asked Sal if he was trying to help out Beth because of who she is and how he might get in better with Howard. Sal said that he was just being nice to someone who was nice to him. Sal kept saying that he was just trying to be nice so Gary said it was like they were in a World War II movie where he'll only give name, rank and serial number.
Sal talked about why he talks to Beth so much and how he really doesn't talk to any of the other wives on the show. Sal said that he and Beth have been in contact lately because of the Show in the Hallway thing. Gary and Jon think that Sal wasn't trying to be malicious but he wasn't thinking. They said that it's just his not thinking that's not working.
Gary said that Sal probably has it in his head that Beth is going to tell Howard how nice he is and Howard is going to change his views on him. Sal said that's not what it's like. He just knew what she was going through and he wanted to help.
Gary said that Sal was a victim of having no guests on the show today. That's why he had so much time spent on him today.
Sal said he thinks that Howard is comfortable to beat him up on the air. He said he's fine with Howard not wanting to be friendly with him off the air.
Gary said that Sal was walking around with the fake cigarette thing that Jose Canseco brought in. Gary said that Sal was walking around saying that he's over the whole Howard thing and just thinking of him as a regular guy.
JD said that Sal probably should have just stayed out of things but he went ahead and did it. Sal said that he just wanted to tell Beth about the option and didn't think that much about it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the email was a nice thing to do the way Ted Bundy giving rides to the girls he killed was a nice thing to do. The caller thinks that Sal wants to be the emotional friend to Beth the way his wife had an emotional friend. The guy said that he's a psychiatrist for pets so he knows what he's talking about.
Ralph called in and told Sal that he may have been doing it to help but he really has a horrible track record with Beth. It was their first fight ever and he should steer clear of her when something like that is going on. Ralph said that you have to avoid that kind of stuff when it's fresh in their minds. Ralph told him that she doesn't need to be his friend.
Ralph said that he wouldn't even want to be on the radar with something like that. He told him to just lay back and avoid it.
Sal kept saying that he agreed and had used bad judgment. Gary asked Sal how many times he's said that. Sal said he knows it's a lot.
Ralph told Sal to just stay away from Beth and only use her for work if he needs her. He told him to just stay away from the computer. Gary asked what time he sent that email. Sal said it was late. Gary said the whole day went by with nothing being said and then they found out about it at dinner. Ralph didn't know that Beth had no idea that it had come up on the air until Sal sent that email. Ralph felt even worse when he heard that. They had to break after that.
Jon asked Benjy how much he's lost lately. Benjy said that he's down to about 220 pounds. He said he's got another 60 to go though. Gary said he's lost 10 pounds too.
Jason came in and told the guys what he knew about the vegan wine thing. He said that most wines have animal products in them and you have to ask about it if you want a vegan wine. Gary said he didn't think it was that big of a deal but he liked Howard's impression of Robin at Jason's wedding that he did today. He said that was pretty funny.
Gary said he didn't think that the wine thing was that big of a deal but Robin does. He said that she'll turn a place upside down to find out if there is cream in her pumpkin soup.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he would kill to have an opportunity like Gary has to throw out that first pitch at the Mets game. He said that he'd like to do it even though the Mets suck.
Jon asked Gary about the first pitch thing and how he was thinking that he'd bring his son out with him. Gary said that he's probably not going to bring Jackson out there. He said that he's going to throw the pitch himself but if it goes off to the side wildly, don't be surprised. Jason said it sounds like Gary is putting all of this pressure on himself this week. He said that he's making the fans want to see it even more to see what will happen and he's putting that pressure on himself.
Gary said that he can tell who is an athlete there. He said that Mary doesn't care if he tanks it but if a guy says that then he's not an athlete of any kind. Any guy who thinks that it's a big deal is an athlete.
Jason asked if Gary throws a perfect strike, are they going to hear his war stories about it all the time. Gary said he doesn't think that would be the case. Jon said he thinks that Gary would take pride in that if he pulled it off. Gary said he wouldn't come out of there saying he knew he had it all the time or anything like that.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Artie really wants to support him. Gary said that Artie is the one he fears the most and it would be kind of interesting to him if he did show up. Jason said the one he should worry about is Will Murray who said he's going to be there. Gary said he shouldn't be able to hear Will yelling at him there. He knows that he will bust his balls behind his back if he does fuck up though.
Jon said he was talking to Artie out in the hall and the offer seemed genuine when he said that he was going to be there. Gary said everything is bothering him even though he's pretty much over the Artie thing.
A caller told Gary to make sure that he's wearing a glove when he goes out there. Gary said he was going to bring his glove. He said that there are some guys who have worn the glove out there. Jon said that this guy threw a strike that time after he swaggered out to the mound. Jon told Gary you have to act like you've been there before.
Sal told Gary that maybe he should have a batter up there when he throws the ball. The guys figured that Sal had no clue how the whole thing works. Sal said that he knows and explained what he knew about the pitch and how it was just Gary and the catcher out there. He said that the worst would be for Gary to bounce a ball.
Jon and Gary were questioning Sal about the game of baseball and Sal didn't seem to know what he should know about the game. He said that they should make the game more exciting by having a batter there for Gary. Jon said that it's just a ceremonial thing and they're not doing it to make it exciting. Sal said he thinks that if Gary throws a bad pitch then they're going to blame him for jinxing them. Gary said that's not the way it is at all and they're not going to blame him. Sal said he will. He said that if the Mets suck this season then he'll blame Gary. Jason said that Gary couldn't do much to make the Mets any worse than they are. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show off not knowing where the start the show. He said he was distracted this morning because he went to his shrink yesterday and he was mean to him. He's not feeling right about that. Howard said he wanted to show him how things work in life. He told the guy to show him what he could do to him the way he belittles people on the show. He did that but the therapist said it didn't bother him. Howard said he knows it did.
Howard said he was kind of creepy with that so he was upset with it. Howard said the guy asked him to bring his anger into the room and that's just what he did. Howard said he showed the guy the way his father talked to him as an example and he knows it was uncomfortable.
Howard said he's just a horrible person and he's discovered that his therapy isn't helping him out. He said he has to quit. Robin said that he's quitting over his anger but he's made progress in the past 11 years that he's been going. Howard said he wants to know when he's going to be cured.
Robin left therapy so Artie pointed that tout. Howard said that no one thought Robin should have gotten out of therapy. Robin told him to stop talking about her and think about himself. Howard asked Robin how long she went. Robin said it was a year and a half.
Artie said he quit after 4 times. Howard said he doesn't believe he's gone at all. Artie was willing to bet him on that. Artie said that the guy is an older guy with grey hair, thin and he wears glasses. Artie said that he's going to call his guy again today because he needs help. Howard said that's a good idea.
Artie said he can remember any phone number he's given except this one number for the therapist. He said it's really weird. Artie said he was telling Helicopter Mike about this guy and even he thought that he should go. Artie said he saw a guy on Monday but he was a ''wellness doctor.''
Artie said that his health is amazing even though he was so overweight. He said that everything is text book according to the guy he saw on Monday.
Artie said he knows he has to commit to the therapy. Robin told him that he needs to be in there even if it's killing him. She told him even if it's not working he has to continue to go. Artie said he made a commitment to see that guy and the wellness doctor as well. That will be about once a month instead of weekly though. Robin said that the guy told him that he's fine, why does he need to see him every 3 weeks? Artie didn't know.
Howard said Artie looks better and looks alive. Artie said he feels 3 billion times better and passed a piss test yesterday. Howard asked Artie how long he's been clean. Artie said that everything has been about 4 weeks. Howard said he thinks it's more like a week. Artie said it's really 4 weeks.
Artie said that the heroin was Christmas Eve, opiates have been about 2 months. He said he was using some other stuff up until then. He was using opiates like Oxycontin and things like that up until 2 months ago. Artie said that this brilliant guy that he's going to see is either going to cure him or he's going to turn that guy into a heroin addict.
Robin asked if it's easier to get the pills than it is to get the heroin. Artie said it's whatever is closer.
Robin asked Howard if he's really quitting therapy. Howard said he's not but he felt like it. He didn't need to be mean to the guy. Robin said that he's doing the same thing in his life and he has to learn how to confront it and follow through on it.
Howard said he knows and Robin is no expert because she went for a year and a half. Howard said he's been going for 11 years. Artie said that Robin is giving him shit too. Howard asked how she can tell him to go even if it kills him if she only went for a year and a half. Robin said her therapist quit and she didn't want to go to anyone else.
Howard asked Robin if she quit therapy or did she stop because of her therapist quitting. Robin said she stopped because of the therapist quitting. Howard told her that she's not cured then and she should go back. Robin said that she's fine and told him that he's the one who is screwed up.
Robin said she didn't quit after going to see a guy after one visit like Artie did. Howard said she has no business telling Artie to keep going when she quit. Robin insisted she didn't quit. But she did.
Artie said that he did go to that guy they were talking about. He said that he would never lie to them. He asked when he ever lies to them. He was kidding of course. Howard said he understands why he has to lie to them but he doesn't have to tell them that he's going to a therapist or not. That's none of their business.
Howard asked Robin who it is and when she last got advice. Robin said she got advice about 2 weeks ago. Howard asked if it was about men. Robin said it was about herself. She said it's the ''me thing'' that she has to talk about.
Howard asked if it's a life coach. Robin said she's a counselor and not a therapist. She's an advisor type of person. Howard asked a bunch of questions trying to find out who this woman was. Howard asked if she's a psychologist. Robin said yes, she is. Robin said that she's brilliant and she trusts her with her advice. Howard said she's like a parent to her then. Robin said it is kind of that way and she gets a way of looking at things from another point of view so you can see what's going on.
Robin said she's been going to this woman for about a year. Howard figured it was since the Jim Florentine thing. Robin said it was before that. Howard asked if it was when Jim gave her the heave-ho. Robin just laughed when she heard that. That led to Artie and Howard having a little fun talking about Jim and how Robin once said he was ''deep.'' Howard said he's met Jim and he's not deep.
Robin was laughing hysterically. She couldn't stop laughing about the Jim Florentine thing. Howard said that Robin should call him about stuff instead of that therapist.
Howard said that he eventually went back to meet the chick and kind of made a date with her. She didn't show up for that. Howard said that she showed up late and they started making out. He said she was really attractive and all of that. Then the next day she told him that she didn't want to see him again. Howard said she told him that he didn't make any sense when he talked. She told him that he kept stopping his thoughts and things like that. Howard said he was just getting to know her and she was already blowing him off. Howard said she was being mean the day after they went out.
Howard said that was a quick heave-ho and then he dated a woman from Princeton who he got pretty serious with. He thought they were serious anyway. Howard said he was fucking her like 5 times a day. Howard talked about how cool she was and about the stuff she had going on in her life. Howard said he felt really good about her and then she called him up out of the blue and told him that she found a guy with a much bigger dick than him.
Howard said he remembers asking that chick if it was a black guy. She told him that it was a white guy. Howard said if he had 3 more inches his whole life would be different. He said that she traded him in for something better. That was his other heave-ho.
Howard said he's given some women the heave-ho himself though. He said he has done that many times. He talked about one girl he just stopped calling and she called him asking what was going on. Howard said he never told anyone that he'd found women with a tighter pussy or anything like that chick did to him.
Robin told Howard about a guy she was seeing. She said that she lit candles and cooked him a breakfast. She said that he ate the food and pushed himself back from the table. Robin said that she then told him to get out because she had made a new year's resolution to get rid of him. Robin said she wouldn't do that today because she's had counseling.
Howard said he can see what Robin is up to with her trips and stuff and he thinks that she's constantly searching for men. Robin said that's not what it's about. Robin said that this weekend she's going out with her nephew. Artie said he chooses to believe that Robin is dating her nephew like the people on SFN are saying.
Robin said she stayed in last weekend because of the weather being crappy. Howard said she's got something new in her life constantly and that shows a dissatisfaction in her life. Robin said she's not sure why Howard is projecting on her like that. He must have something going on in his life too. Howard said he's fine.
Howard said he'd like to put those sessions with the counselor on the air. Robin just laughed and said that's what the meetings sound like when they talk. Fred played a bunch of Robin's laughs after that.
Howard reenacted a call between Robin and the counselor where he was talking to her on the phone and all he was hearing were her laughs.
Howard said he's not sure what's going on with Robin. Robin asked why he has to know what's going on. Howard continued his goofing on Robin and had her therapist as a person working the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant. Howard had some fun creating that whole thing. Fred had cars honking waiting in line while her counselor was helping her out on the phone.
Howard said that was enough of Robin's sessions. He said he found what he was looking for and it was a straight jacket at the end of the rainbow.
Howard said he got an email from Tim Stack who is writing on ''My Name is Earl'' these days. Howard said Tim said he was friends with Dom Deluise and Dom was a huge fan of the show and listened every day. Howard said he always enjoyed Dom in the movies he was in. Howard said he remembers watching the guy on various talk shows and he would make him happy like they say he would.
Howard said that Dom was a big fan of theirs and of Burt Reynolds. Howard said that bit that he just did with Robin and her counselor was for Dom. Howard got back into that while Fred played Robin's laughs and cars honking.
Robin asked Howard why he kept saying he was going to put the phone down in that bit. Howard stopped doing that and got back to working at the drive-thru.
Robin told Howard that she figured out what Crazy Alice was talking about when she left her voice mail. Robin said she has been cursing a lot lately and she doesn't even do that in her regular life, just on the air. That led to Artie going into his Crazy Alice impression and cursing like crazy.
Howard got back to his counselor thing and said that Crazy Alice was one of her other clients. Howard and Artie had some fun with that for a few seconds.
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Robin said she saw the promo for the new show and it's just Jay driving a car and looking over at the camera. Howard said that was a way for him to get one of his cars on camera.
Howard said he hopes that Jay's show fails. Artie said it doesn't sound good for Stuttering John. It sounds like he's not going to have a job if they're changing the show around that much.
Howard said he was reading about this dog that was 21 years old and it was wearing glasses because it has cataracts. Howard said he thought it was the people just goofing around with the dog but it was for real.
Howard said he saw this news report about a woman who had her face blown off and had a face transplant. Robin told the story about that and how the woman lost her whole face. Howard said they gave her a full facial transplant and it's pretty amazing. Howard said she still looks kind of messed up but it's still amazing.
Artie said he was reading about a woman who had 7 reconstructive surgeries and it's amazing what they can do these days. The guys also talked about the woman who was attacked by the chimpanzee and how parts of her face were ripped off.
Howard said he got an email from a listener who heard a Grateful Dead song on one of the channels there and he heard someone yell out Baba Booey in the middle of a jam. Howard said they went back and found the performance and it was very clear. Howard played the clip quickly and it was very clear.
Howard said that John the Stutterer is coming in today. They may be playing a game with people out on the street when he comes in. That led to them playing a John the Stutterer song parody with clips of him thrown into a Led Zeppelin song. Howard said that was from Dan the Song Parody Man.
Howard said he saw ''Observe and Report'' too and that was good. He said one listener said he saw it and hated it.
Howard said he got home last night and watched some ''In Treatment'' episodes. He said that the show is kind of depressing but it's really good. Robin said it was more depressing than she thought it was going to be. Howard said the acting is incredible and you just follow these therapy sessions every day of the week. Howard said he saw that Mark Wahlberg is a producer for the show. He's got that and ''Entourage'' out there now.
Howard said he asked an actress if she watched the show and explained it to her. She said she thinks that the actors must remember the full 30 minutes of the show. Howard said he can't imagine doing that. The actress was telling him that Gabriel Byrne is a poet and can remember stuff like that.
Howard said that Gabriel Byrne is amazing in the show. Howard said that they have a girl with cancer on the show and she's amazing. Howard said that they're all amazing actors. They talked about the guy who played the suicidal guy and how great he was. They also talked about a woman with cancer that's really depressing. Howard said he loves the show.
Howard said the Howard TV guys have a bunch of good things coming up soon. He said he'd give everyone a rundown later in the show.
Howard said last night they had Slash on American Idol. He said it was ''rock night'' so they had Slash on. Howard said it was kind of depressing when he saw Slash on there. Howard said Guns N' Roses used to be the coolest band and now he's on American Idol.
Howard said it's really weird with Guns N' Roses and the way things went down. Howard said they were on top of their game and had just put out an album called The Spaghetti Incident. Howard said the album came out just as Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and other grunge bands were coming out. Howard said Guns' management were freaking out and that may have contributed to their downfall. Howard said that the grunge bands were against what Guns N' Roses represented.
Howard said he was watching American Idol and saw the guy who seems kind of gay to him performing his song. Howard said he's never seen anything like that before and he imagines that Elton John was beating off to that guy.
Howard said he voted for this Allison girl last night. He thought the song she did was really well done. Howard said she's no Janis Joplin but she handled the song really well. Howard said they were so harsh with that girl and he thinks that she should be the winner or the runner up at least.
Howard said he told Beth he was going to vote and told her to vote too. Beth asked him if he was crazy. Howard got out his Blackberry Bold and texted 5702 to vote for his favorite. Howard told Beth that he had to wait until the end of the show to text since he discovered that last time he tried voting.
Artie told Howard that he should let go of the phone and give it up. He said that it's the greatest thing ever not having one. Artie said that he has four guys around him to help him out with phone calls and stuff though.
Artie said that everyone else in his life is allowed to use a phone except for him. He said he had to give that stuff up because he had to do something to get out of this drug thing. Artie said he told his mother and sister that he's dating some girls and he texts them. Artie said that it's not rated G shit so he asked if they were okay with that. He told them to just go through that stuff and avoid it.
Artie said he pictures his mother and sister reading his texts to these girls. Howard said they probably are. Gary asked Artie how he can date if he doesn't have the phone. Artie said that he had to stop talking to them for now. He said they've been told that he won't be calling and what he's going through.
Fred was talking about what Artie's mom and sister might be texting to those girls. Artie said ''How dare you... step outside Fred...'' when he heard the stuff he was imagining his mother texting.
Artie said it's crazy the way things are going because those girls have been told by his mother, sister and a couple of cops, that they can't talk to him.
Howard got back to his American Idol discussion. Gary came in and said he was shocked that Led Zeppelin let them use a song on the show. He said that's another sign that Bruce Springsteen is just around the corner.
Howard said he got a message from American Idol since he started texting them. He said that they sent him a message saying that you can get ringtones and answer tones from them by replying to their message. Howard figure he was going to get regular messages from them now. Robin said she heard that you can download the performances form iTunes too. Howard said no one is doing that. Fred threw in Eric the Midget's ''Ack Ack'' in the background as they were wondering who is buying that stuff.
Howard said he thinks that this guy Adam is going to win this season. Gary said he heard that the girl on the show won some Spanish version of that show. Gary said he heard that Simon Cowell was saying that Kara won't be back next season. Howard said that Simon probably forced her out. He said the show is big business and they added this woman who was adding nothing to the show. Howard said they should get rid of her, she's not likeable.
Gary said he read a poll where they asked how many people would stop watching the show if Simon left the show. Howard figured it would be 100 percent. Gary said it was 67 percent.
Howard said that this Kara woman has huge ears and she should never pull her hair back. Howard said he was looking at that, paused on his TV, and said that she has to avoid doing that. He said the ears go from the bottom of her jaw to the top of her head. Howard said he just got a note saying that Simon was saying that Kara will be back next year.
Gary said that the stone was reduced by about 65 percent. Howard asked if he's cutting back on the chocolate and stuff. Gary said he has cut back and isn't eating chocolate. He's already lost 10 pounds.
Gary said the doctor told him to stop eating Tums because he was eating 6-8 of them a day. Gary said that he was told to stop doing that and it was really hard. He said he has a big bottle in his office for indigestion and he was taking a bunch. He said it was almost like an addiction to them. Howard said that the heartburn might be a nervous thing.
Gary said he's taking a prescription pill for his indigestion and acid reflux. Robin told Gary he could have relief if he just ate right. Gary said he did change his habits and it was still there.
Gary said he was going through Tums bottles at a time. He said that they have regular Tums and then they have bigger Tums EX and he was taking those. He said that he would take two or three at times. Howard said that kidney stone might have a big Tums written on it.
Howard came back and said that he doesn't think that Pink Floyd song is one of their best even though it was a huge song. Fred said that it was off their best album though. Fred said that kids are still buying that album to this day. Fred said that ''Us and Them'' is probably the best song off of Dark Side of the Moon. Howard told him to play some of that.
Fred played the song and Artie said it's a great song for heroin. Howard said he's been to a couple of parties with Roger Waters. He said he seems like a nice dude.
Howard said Beth was talking to some people at a party so he wandered around and found Roger Waters. It was at Jon Bon Jovi's house actually. Howard said Roger was there with his wife. There were some other chicks there who didn't seem to like him. He said he thinks that Roger and his wife liked him but the snooty model types that were there didn't seem to like him.
Howard said he may have had too many words in his sentences for them to follow. That led to Artie telling a story about a chick he met who told him she was disgusted with him when he called himself a big super star. Artie said he told her that he was just being ironic and didn't mean that he actually was a superstar. She didn't get why he would do that.
Artie said that he's not calling the shots and he also knows that they want him on Celebrity Rehab so it's kind of a conflict of interest with Dr. Drew feeling for him.
Howard thought Artie had turned his life over to these people but Artie said that it's not him, it's his mother and sister. Artie said he has no privacy in his life now at all. He has a guy sleeping in his house every night now and has no privacy at all.
Lisa said Dr. Drew was saying that this is not a long term solution for Artie. He said he needs something organized and a place where people stay for 6 months. Artie added ''on camera.''
Robin asked if Artie even has keys to his car. Artie said he doesn't even have that. He said he has zero privacy.
Artie told Lisa to do the full story about the Dr. Drew thing. Lisa said that Dr. Drew didn't say one thing about the Celebrity Rehab thing. Artie said that he doesn't like Lisa and she's a phony. He said she's trying to say that he's going to fail. Artie said she's saying that and she's an evil fuck and he hates ''this cunt.'' Howard told him that's not nice. Artie said he's thinking clearly now and ''fuck her.'' Howard told Artie to calm down. He said he's going through withdrawals and he has to take it easy.
Artie said that he wants Lisa G to stay away from him. He told Howard to keep her away from him. He said he's really pissed off at her. He said that he's not a fan of the news department. Howard said they're just doing their job.
Howard said he was listening to a report that Lisa was doing yesterday. Artie said that she's creepy and not normal. Lisa asked why it was about her. Artie said that she interviewed Dr. Drew and he doesn't like her either. Artie said that she's not doing her job.
Howard said that Dr. Drew has some involvement with the show and that's his take on what he's going through. Artie said that he's affected by this because everyone wants him to fail. Howard said Lisa doesn't want him to fail. Artie said she would love it. Artie said that they all want him to fail. Howard said no one wants him to fail.
Howard told Artie that everyone there is praying to god that he doesn't fail. Artie said he thinks that Lisa and Langford want him to fail and they'd report on it with glee. Lisa said that he has it wrong. Artie said he doesn't.
Robin said she knows that feeling because of what she has found being on the detox diet. Robin said you find that people might not be on your side. Howard said he hears what they're saying. He said he does believe that most people there wanted Robin to succeed and they want Artie to succeed.
Howard said you have to have a playful attitude about this stuff. Artie said he doesn't. Artie said he's just being honest and he doesn't like Lisa. Lisa said that she'll live. Artie said of course she would and called her a shithead.
Howard said that's not very classy to call her a shithead. Artie said that she should shut up about him then. Howard said he's on the show and they're going to cover stories about him. Howard said he's a compelling figure and they're going to do stories about them.
Robin said that Howard, Fred, Artie and her are going to be the biggest stories on the show. Artie said he doesn't want to be covered.
Howard said something is eating at Artie today. Howard asked what's going on there. Artie said he already knows what's going on. Artie said that he didn't sleep well last night. He said he didn't get any sleep and he was kind of cranky. Howard said he sees that. Artie said this is the kind of stuff that made him throw stuff at Teddy.
Fred asked Lisa if she called Dr. Drew or did he call her. Lisa said that she called him. Artie said that she shouldn't call him again unless she wants him to hit on her again. Lisa said that Dr. Drew could have said it's a great plan. Fred said Dr. Drew is just looking for publicity. Artie said that's because Lisa doesn't do shit and she's a joke. Lisa said she won't stoop down to his level with that.
Artie said that Lisa is at her level and she has no one in her life. Lisa was worried that he was going to throw something at her. Artie said he would never do that to a woman. He said he would miss her on purpose so he could get fired.
Howard asked Lisa what else she had. Lisa said she was going to do something about Artie's DVD and she's not sure she wants to do that now. Howard wanted to hear about it. Lisa said that Artie reveals that his upcoming DVD is going to be called ''Disheveled.'' He's also thinking about using that for the title of his next book. Howard told him to be careful using a title like that because it's hard to say.
Lisa said that Artie has also written a new chapter for the paperback edition of his book ''Too Fat To Fish.''
Howard asked Lisa to call Dr. Drew and ask him what he thinks of that ''Disheveled'' title. Artie told her to call him about everything in the show.
Lisa said that Gary spoke to a sports psychologist about his pitch that he'll be doing on Saturday. Artie was goofing on Lisa the whole time so Lisa said it was time to end it and get out of there. Howard let her go a short time later. Howard said Artie was very harsh this morning. Artie said he's going to sleep good tonight, that's what he knows.
Artie said that Howard doesn't know what the rest of them go through with that news department. Artie said he doesn't need people commenting on him like that.
Artie said that the way Sal commented on his situation is the way he feels about this situation. Artie said that he has to live with this stuff and he really doesn't need it this early on in his rehab.
Robin agreed that they do invade your life a lot and she's not to thrilled with them either. Howard said that Artie is in a touchy state right now and that's not helping. Robin said that Howard wasn't helping because he was defending the news department and not listening to Artie's point of view. Howard said she might be right. He thinks that Artie might feel bad about it eventually. Artie said that might be the case but right now he feels fine about it.
Artie said that if he loses sleep over it he'll be honest about it tomorrow. He said he's fine with it today though.
Howard told Robin that she should go to her counselor today. He went into that impression again for a few seconds.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that he doesn't get why Artie is acting like this after being on the show for 8 years and revealing everything about his life. Scott said that he's been so open and all of a sudden he's not making sense. Artie apologized to Lisa because of Scott. He said that he has been horrible today and apologized to her. He also apologized to Scott for offending him. Howard told Scott that he had finally won an argument.
Artie said that he is flawed, very flawed, and he got pissed off today. Scott said that she wasn't digging up stuff that he didn't want out there. Artie said she wanted him to say what he said. That's what pissed him off. Artie said that he doesn't need this so-called expert saying he's going to fail. He said that's just not right.
Fred said that Steve Langford was out in the hall to interview Lisa. He said that might be a first. Robin said that Lisa won't even come in there with her violin to play but she'll go off and do this kind of thing.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told them to calm down. Artie told her to shut the fuck up and stay away from his shows. He was pissed at her too. Artie was telling her to go fuck herself.
Mariann went on to say that Artie isn't going to be able to stay healthy doing things the way he is. Howard said that she doesn't know that. Artie said he's going to throw her out of any gigs she comes to from now on. He said that she does some crazy shit with these freaks out there. Artie told her to shut the fuck up and hang up.
Artie told Mariann that he doesn't need her to tell him what a great gig he has there. She was telling him that he's in a mood because he's not eating his cupcakes and taking heroin. Artie apologized to her kids after going off on her.
Artie said that everyone things that they know everything. He said that Mariann doesn't have a right to think he's going to do heroin again. Artie said he's the one in hell there and he got pissed off and reacted. He's sorry about that.
Howard took a call from a guy by the name of Nate. Artie asked ''Who the fuck is Nate?'' The caller turned out to be John. That guy said that Artie is so over annunciated and he's an asswipe. Howard wanted him to tell him what he was talking about. The caller said that Artie is completely obliterated and he has to be high right now. Howard said the caller sounded kind of high himself. Artie did an impression of that guy but Howard had hung up on him and took another call.
The next caller said that he needs to give Lisa G some cock and she'll be alright. Artie said that must be why she's teasing him. Artie said that they're like Sam and Diane on Cheers but with cursing.
Another caller said that Lisa might be wrong and they should have an open mind and not think that Artie is going to fail. Artie said that he has people helping him out that helped other famous people get off of heroin and it worked. He said that he has this guy Smoky helping him and he helped Joe Walsh clean up.
Artie said that the fans of the show are so fuckin cool and the people give him a standing ovation when he says he's doing well. He said that Howard told him on the phone the other night that it was a great sadness in his life that he's struggling. He said that means a lot to him. Artie said that the other guys there caring really touches him too but the news team is just antagonizing him. He said they're doing a great job and they made him lose it today.
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Howard asked Eric what it was he wanted to talk about. Eric lost Johnny so Howard asked him what he wanted to talk about. Artie said he was bringing the show to a screeching halt. Howard said Robin was going so nuts that she was eating a steak. Howard said that they're all fighting and he's counting the days until he retires.
Eric said that Howard had just told him that it was his turn and told Artie to shut up. Eric said the guy made a claim about him stealing Johnny's credit card yesterday and he's never seen his card. Howard said that he got a note from Johnny saying that he was asked to call in about the whole credit card thing today. Eric told him to go ahead and play the voice mail he got.
Howard played a message that Eric left on Johnny's voice mail where he asked Johnny to call in and say that it wasn't stolen and maybe they'd leave him alone if he said it was just a bit they did. Eric asked him to please call in and tell them that so people would leave him alone.
Eric said that he doesn't know what kind of card Johnny carries. Howard told Eric that no one really cares and he doesn't have to worry about it. Eric said that if he had stolen something, Johnny would have had his ass in jail. Howard said that no one needs Eric in jail. He thanked him for the call and told him not to worry about this stuff.
Dominic was saying that Artie may have had a bit of an over reaction but he was right about them being antagonizing. He didn't think that Artie was so wrong to over react.
Howard said that Dominic has this delusion that he's part of the show and he was saying that they all dance to his puppet master stuff. Howard said that all of the people on the show are smart and bright and they all have good brains on their heads. Howard said he put this show together 35 years ago and really needs a rest.
Howard said that this guy Dominic is wild. He said he's a great attorney but he's out of his mind with this marriage stuff. He's married and divorced this woman Leslie twice now and he's back together with her. Robin said that he goes through with the entire divorce both times. Fred said he must enjoy the drama and to have a challenge.
Howard said it's funny that Artie brought up Eric. Eric didn't want to come on the show but then he called Gary out of the blue and asked to come on. Then he called Gary and told him that he had a great time on the show and then started calling him obsessively saying he wanted to come on and do more. Now he's gotten a call from Eric saying that he can never be on the show again. Howard played that voice mail where Eric said that he feels that when he's on the show that he goes nowhere.
Howard said Gary thinks that someone is winding Eric up with this stuff. He played more of the message where Eric said that when he's on the show he's a bad person and when he's not on he's a good person. Eric said that he's never doing the show again.
Gary said that someone must be telling Eric not to be involved with the show anymore. Gary said he heard that Eric may have been upset about being on hold all day yesterday or something. He may also be talking to his doctor about why he's depressed and things like that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called back in and told Artie that she went to that comedy show recently because it was charity event. She said she doesn't go out that much. She was also telling Robin that there are downfalls to every job and the news department is just one of them. Robin said it wasn't one when she started.
Another caller told Robin to leave Artie alone. She said that she told her to leave her alone because she's always picking on him except today. The woman went off on her about a bunch of stuff and claimed that she got a disturbing the peace ticket because of Robin's laughter. She was also going off on Mariann from Brooklyn. The woman was saying that Robin smokes pot to this day and that's why she cackles the way she does.
Howard was ready to go to break but he had Ric Ocasek on the phone to say hello real quick. It turned out to be Sour Shoes doing an impression of the Cars. They listened to him for a couple of minutes and then went to break.
Howard came back and said he was in the middle of a conversation with Tim Sabean. Robin said she wasn't very happy with the show today. She said the song was depressing the hell out of her. Howard said he still has an hour and a half to make it even worse.
Robin said that the show has been so negative today that she doesn't know what to think. She asked who she's working with and where she's working. Howard said this is no Oprah Winfrey show. Robin said that's for sure.
Howard said he had John the Stutterer there. He said that John had to move out of his apartment and back into his parent's house. He said he has a way for him to make some money today though.
Howard said that John still has his ''rock star hair'' that he's had forever. Howard told John he thought he lived with his parents. John said he's been living out of there for the past 12 years. John said he was living in his own apartment in one of Philadelphia's most exclusive neighborhoods, Rittenhouse Square. John said that while it's a great location, the apartment was a small efficiency that started out at $335 a month and stayed that way for a few years. He said it went to $450 for about 8 years but then he got a note from his landlord saying she had to raise it to $650 and he couldn't afford it so he had to move out.
John said that he has SSDI coming in and that kind of money was just too much for him. He said he had to move back in with his parents. He said his life is a hellhole abyss from which there is no escape.
Howard asked John if he wanted to play this game and win some money. John was up for it so Howard said they had Gary down on the street to help out. Howard said that Sal came up with this game. They're going to give John a phrase that he has to say like ''Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you're going to get. The person on the street has to figure out what he's trying to say and they're going to give each of them $100 if they get it right.
Howard said that John had to keep that phrase in his head. Gary tried to get some people to play the game but they were all walking past him. The Howard TV guys had him on camera so they could watch him trying to get them.
Gary finally got a guy but the headphones weren't working. They got him some working headphones. Howard told the guy what he had to do and told him he had 15 seconds to get it. John was able to get it out and the guy on the street got it right. Howard told the guy he won $100 for doing that.
Howard said that they might have to shorten the time to 10 seconds. Howard gave him another phrase which was ''Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.'' Howard told John the phrase and got the next contestant on. She was ready to play so Howard had John try and say what he had just told him. John was able to get it out and the woman got it right so they had to give up and other $100 to the woman and to John.
Howard said this wasn't going like he had expected. He got in a plug for the Man Groomer since they were sponsoring this game. John was having trouble talking after playing the game. John said he had a nightmare trying to ask for five singles this morning on his way in.
Artie said that maybe they should do it without a famous phrase that people would recognize. He said that if they know the phrase they're going to get it just after a few words. Artie had a phrase to say which was ''To all the whores at the clubs in Philly, die, die you miserable sluts.'' Howard said that's the one they'll use.
Howard said that they were going to lower the amount of money to $50. Gary found another woman to play and the guys were laughing when they saw her for some reason. Howard told the woman what she had to do and how she could win the money. The woman was having trouble hearing what was going on down there. They fixed the headphones enough that the woman could hear and then told John to say his line.
John tried to get that sentence out about the whores in Philly. John ran out of time so Howard gave her the $50 anyway. Howard said the game wasn't working right so he gave up on it. Howard gave John the other $50 even though he didn't get that sentence out.
Howard told John that he should shave down with that Man Groomer thing. John went on to say that he doesn't hate women in general. He said he thinks that they're superior to men in most cases. He said that he's angry at good looking women who won't let him lick and suck there clits and assholes. While he was trying to explain that they played a song parody with his stutters in it.
John said that he did meet a girl but she won't let him lick her clit and asshole. He said her name is Celeste. Howard told him it's gross when he says that licking thing. John said it's not gross, it's beautiful. John said that this chick is trying to get him into porn but his chances of finding a hot chick are 0.0.
Howard said John isn't a bad looking guy and he's seen much worse. Howard said he might be worse than John himself. John told him he's actually hot and has money.
Howard took a call from Sean the Stutterer. He was calling in to call John a Communist. John asked him what he was basing that on. Sean said he has a bug up his ass about FOX news. John said they're not fair and balanced like they claim they are. John stopped stuttering while he was yelling about Bill O'Reilly and FOX.
John was actually goofing on Sean about his stutter. Howard told John that he has to let the guy get his point out there. John shut up for a minute so Sean could get his thoughts out there. John then went off on Sean and gave him his thoughts on FOX news.
Howard told John to let the guy make a point. John was on a rant and wouldn't stop talking. Howard said he doesn't know what goes on with his show but it sounds like he just filibusters. John's stutter goes away when he's talking about this stuff. John and Sean were going back and forth with that stuff and John was all worked up yelling at Sean.
When John would get on a subject his stutter would completely go away. It was like he had no stutter at all for a few minutes. Howard tried to get John to stop talking but John would just keep going and not listen to him at all.
Howard said that John has to let the guy get in a comment. Sean was able to talk about some stuff but John would cut him off after just a few seconds. John was yelling at the guy and not listening to what he was trying to say at all.
John was going on and on when he'd answer Sean. Sean was stuttering and John would make fun of the stutter like he didn't have a stutter of his own.
Sean said that he owns his own business and has a better education than John does. John said that's no barometer of one's analytical ability. John said that Fred is one of the most brilliant guys and he's on the Howard Stern Show. Fred said he thinks he was just insulted.
Sean said that he wanted to break down the stimulus package that Obama was all for. He said that he rushed that through congress and no one even knew what they were voting for. That got John all worked up again.
Howard let John and Sean go back and forth a little more about their political views. John was going off on Sean Hannity and the guys from FOX News. He had Artie cracking up with his comments about that stuff. Howard told John he has to let Sean talk once in a while.
Sean said that John looks like someone from Motorhead tribute and John would go off on him again. Howard said that John was making good points but he won't let anyone else talk. John kept goofing on his stutter so Sean eventually snapped and called him a son of a bitch. Howard let him go after that.
Ralph called in and said that this was brilliant stuff and Sean should do the show with him next time John does his radio show. Howard asked John if he would do that. John said he works alone. Howard said that he's never heard John sound better. John said he doesn't want a co-host and doesn't want someone taking his spot. Howard said that Sean and John might make magic and they might need the show on every week if they were a hit. John didn't want to work with him.
Howard asked John why he's so stubborn. John said he's a loner and a loser and he's not going to work with someone else. John said he doesn't want to try it. Howard said it might be good. John didn't care. He told Howard to give Sean his own show.
Howard said that maybe John and Sean should do one segment on his show together. John said he's not sure. He said that it's a lot of pressure and he doesn't need to get that worked up because it's bad for his health. Howard asked John who his agent is. John said he doesn't have an agent.
Irish John called in and asked John what he thinks about Air Force One flying over New York City. John said that was a mistake. Howard said that John is willing to admit when Obama is wrong about stuff. John said that he was pissing all over Reagan earlier though and that's not right. John said that John is the biggest hypocrite. The two John's ended up arguing about some of that stuff as well. Howard had to cut them off.
Howard asked John if he would go on Hannity's show if he could get him on. John said he would go after him. He said he wouldn't hit him, but he would go after him. He said if Hannity took a shot at him he would take one back and kill him.
Robin told John that he's talking too loud, they're on the radio and he doesn't have to yell. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he was blinded when he got into an accident and he doesn't want to hear John complaining about his life. He said he's a fuckin' douche bag. John told the guy he's glad that he's blind. Howard asked him why he would do that. John said the guy started with him.
John told the caller he doesn't care about him. The caller said that John was the one who came on the show complaining about his life being a hell hole and he has no idea what kind of hell hole he's living in.
Howard said that this caller, Eric, had a wife. Eric said that she kicked him out of the house after a couple of years. She couldn't take it. Eric said that he's actually getting more women now that he's blind than he did when he could see. He said that the chicks he's with are kind of big though. He said that he gets them home and starts to feel them up and can tell that they're not lightweights. He said the chicks appreciate it though.
Eric said he had one chick who had chin whiskers. He said his buddies didn't tell him about that. They kept their mouths shut. Howard said maybe he was feeling her ass or something. Eric told John to go fuck himself as he was getting off the phone. John told Eric he hopes he goes and dies. He repeated that a few times.
Howard took a call from the Pink Cowboy who asked John if he would fuck him in his man pussy. Howard didn't know that he was a man. The guy said that he calls it his man pussy and asked John if he would like to fuck him. Howard said John doesn't go that way. John said no to that as well.
John went on to talk about the meds that he's on and how that has helped him out with his migraine headaches. Howard said he seems to be stuttering less too. John said he's on meds for his high blood pressure and acid reflux too.
John said that he had some shortness of breath as well so he has to take stuff for that. John said he takes about 5 different meds a day. He said he has a hernia that causes the shortness of breath. They say that it's not large enough to operate on yet.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that John is one of the most brilliant mother fucker he's heard. He said he would be a great guy to go up against Rush Limbaugh. The guy said that John has to let the other guys state their points though. He said that's the only problem he has with him.
High Pitch Eric called in so Howard asked why he's calling if he was saying that he was never going to be on again. Eric said he feels good when he's on the show but when he's not doing the show he doesn't feel like he's being a good person. Eric said that the things that he's done to people in the past has made him feel bad. Howard hung up on him and wrapped up with John.
John was telling Howard about what it's like when he gets together with prostitutes and got into graphic detail about what he does. Howard told him that he should avoid talking about that stuff because it sounds creepy and gross coming from him.
Gary said that John could have avoided moving out of his apartment if he had just avoided going to whores. John said that he has to do that stuff. He said that he would go for the cunnilingus and anilingus on them so it was only $200. Howard asked why he was doing this stuff to whores. Gary said that John had just given a bunch of cases of unsafe sex and he's not worried about that. John said that he gets bareback blow jobs from the girls too. Howard said he can't believe he eats those girls out. John said that it's taboo and it tastes good to him. He said the vagina tastes like fish and the ass tastes like shit. Howard said he's gross.
John said that the reason he doesn't want to have straight sex with the girls is because he'd have to use a condom and he can't stay hard because of his meds. John said that the girls butt holes are as clean as the floor in the studio. Benjy laughed when he heard that.
Artie told John he can't get sick from eating ass on a whore. He said he was just kidding about that. John said that he gets the GFE, or Girlfriend Experience, when he goes to these escorts. John said that he spends about an hour with the girls and he gets to lick them the whole time. Artie said this was making him sad because he misses calling whores on his Blackberry.
John said that his therapist tells him that he could get women without paying for it. Howard said they're right about that. He could do it if he tried. Howard said he hopes that John can get out of his parent's house eventually. John said his social worker is helping him find a new place. He said that he jokingly told her he could be her nude house boy but she didn't go for that. Howard wrapped up and let John go a short time later.
Howard came back and asked Fred if he has some kind of fascination with Bono. The song was fitting for the show today since it wasn't beautiful on the show at all today.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his news preview. Steve said they have more about Captain Janks being in jail for the past two weeks. Steve said Janks is facing even more criminal charges so he may have an even harder time to get out. He was due in a New Jersey court room but he wasn't able to make it because he's locked up in Pennsylvania.
Steve said they have a story in Consumer Reports about enemas and how they may not work as advertised. Robin told them to enjoy themselves with all of their news stories. Robin said she's doing just fine.
Steve said they have a porn star who wants to come on the show and out Howard as a closet racist. Howard said he's glad he brought that up. The porn star is Sasha Grey and he heard that she's in this new movie and passed on having her on the show unless there was something interesting about her. Howard said they didn't have anything but then he read the Rolling Stone articles. He said he saw that and said he's glad he didn't get involved with her. He said that she sucks cock for a living and she's going to lecture him on why he's a racist? Howard said he doesn't get that.
Gary said that she's not just a porn star, she's the dirtiest porn star out there who is willing to do anything in the movies she's in. Gary said that she's trying to make this statement but he got bored reading about her in that article.
Howard said the whole thing is absurd and he's not sure what she's trying to prove. Howard told her that if she wants to wrap herself in a Palestinian flag then she can move there and see how that works out. Robin said she can go over there and see how it is to be a porn star over there. Howard said he just wants to hear how much cock she can suck.
Howard was told he had a clip of Sasha's to play but it wasn't in ''pink'' as the guys told him it was. Gary said it was in pink on his computer. Howard said it was yellow on his. Gary said he can only tell Howard what he sees on his computer. JD told Howard that it was in pause for some reason. Howard said that he hadn't played the clip so it wasn't in pause on his computer. Howard told them to talk to someone about that and why the colors weren't matching.
Howard played the audio of her getting fucked and said that this is the woman who wants to come in and tell him that he's a racist. Howard said that she claims that it's art and it empowers women or something. Gary said that's what she's claiming and her publicists also say that she's very smart and she's trying to make a statement. Howard said he's never going to hear Sasha's agenda with him on the show.
Steve finished up his news preview and then Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of subjects for today's show.
Artie said he was feeling bad about the whole Lisa G thing from earlier. He said that he's still angry with her but maybe Twat would have been better than ''cunt.'' Howard said that they're just doing their jobs. Robin said that they pry into their lives and they take glee in what they do. Howard said they were just discussing Artie's life. Robin said that they were foraging into his life and trying to find something.
Fred said that it was Dr. Drew's views on Artie that were just not right. Robin told Jon that he had just started this all up again. Howard said they'll discuss this further on the Wrap Up Show, Intern Show and maybe even on Superfan Roundtable this week.
Jon went through the rest of the list of subjects and wrapped up his preview. Steve Brandano came in with his Intern Show preview. Steve said they'll be talking about the upcoming Intern Beauty Pageant. They'll also speculate on Artie's rehab.
Howard mentioned that Tom Bergeron and Norm MacDonald will be on the show tomorrow. Robin told Howard that he was being kind of creepy today with the stuff he was saying about her. Howard said that the past 35 years of shows have been creepy.
Robin read a story about a guy who had his penis bitten off when he was getting oral in a car and the car was bumped from behind.
Robin read a story about the latest Kindle DX that will have a larger format than the previous versions. Howard said he's going to look into those things. He said that Jon Hein had one and it was kind of cheap looking but it was the old one. He said he'll check out the new ones.
Robin read about a 21 year old man who allegedly threw a 3 month old baby onto a freeway after fighting with the baby's mother. Howard said he read about that and said that he just threw the kid out the window. Robin said that he was also beating, choking and biting the woman in the car they were in. Howard said that guy is a real shithead. He said you have to be really dark to do something like that to a little kid.
Robin had a story about a guy who was arrested for using a dog shock collar on his kids. Howard said Bubba does that with his employees. Artie said Bubba uses those things on his black employee, 25 Cent.
Artie said that he was watching the DVD that Bubba has out and they wake up one of the guys with a tazer gun. Artie said it's entertaining but the guy wakes up and reacts the way you'd expect him to.
Robin read about the guy who used the shock collar on his kids. He thought it would be fun to chase the kids around the yard with the collars on. The kids are now with the mother.
Robin read a story about some vote that went on in Washington DC and how Marion Barry had apparently voted wrong in the vote. Howard said he was reading about that and talked about how Marion Barry is saying that it might be like a civil war with the gay marriage thing. Howard said that's the last thing they should be worried about in Washington DC with all of the problems they have down there. They had to take a break after that.
After the break, around 10:10am, Robin got back to her news and read about a Time Magazine Most Influential gala. Howard said he was invited to that one year and he found it very weird. He declined to go. Artie said he's going to come out with a list on his web site that's the 10 Gayest Mets. He said he's going to have a whole awards show for that.
Robin read some of the names on the Most Influential People list that she had. She read off the names and they commented on some of the people that were nominated. They spent a few minutes goofing on Rush Limbaugh who was on that list.
Robin read that Arnold Schwarzenegger is talking about wanting to legalize marijuana. Howard said that they should do that and it would bring some money into the economy. Robin said Arnold is suggesting that they study other countries that have legalized it to figure out if it would work.
Robin read that a second person in Texas has died from Swine Flu. She was in her 30s but she had some other chronic health problems. Robin said she thinks that she had just given birth to a baby so she was a brand new mother.
Robin read a story about a guy who had lost his arm and hands in an accident and he got a transplant of new hands. Robin said that he had lost his arm and hands in a bacterial infection and he got the arm and hands of another person.
Robin had some news about the woman who got the face transplant. She had some audio of that woman talking about what she had done. Robin said that she's working with a speech pathologist to get better at speaking. Howard said he wanted to donate his face but the doctors turned him down. They told him they didn't want to make someone's life worse.
Robin read that Farrah Fawcett is going to be doing a special about her battle with anal cancer. That led to the guys talking about how that has to be the worst kind of cancer you can get. Howard asked if she was a smoker. Robin said she thinks that she may have. Artie said that Farrah Fawcett never should be 62 years old. He said that she should have left show business many years ago.
Robin read some news about Paula Abdul having been to a rehab center even though she claims she's never taken any drugs. Robin figured she might be the kind of person who doesn't think that prescription drugs are the same as other drugs.
Robin had a story about Dave Bing from the Detroit Pistons becoming the mayor of Detroit. She read the story about how that came about and had some audio of him talking about what he had planned for the city.
Robin read about another accident that they had filming a Nicolas Cage movie. This time a car ran into a group of 9 people around 3am. Howard said this movie must be the greatest thing ever if they're doing that kind of crazy stuff. Robin said that one of the drivers claims that she was cut off by a Yellow cab and had to swerve. She ended up hitting a parked car. Howard asked why she's on the street with a car if they're closing the streets off to film that thing.
Artie said that a lot of people walk around the blockades they have for that stuff and just say ''fuck you'' to the people.
Robin said that the people who were hit were part of the production crew for the movie. Howard said it would be great if the move went right to DVD. The movie was ''The Sorcerer's Apprentice.''
Robin said that Elizabeth Edwards was on Oprah Winfrey's show talking about her husband John Edwards. Robin had some audio from the interview that she played.
Robin read about some investors who owned GM stock being wiped out by the reorganization that they're doing. Robin said the vast number of new shares would be owned by the government. Robin said that GM is also sending out letters to the dealers that sell their cars telling them that they're no longer going to be franchises. She had some audio of some news reports that say that GM may still not be able to avoid bankruptcy.
Robin read about the Miss California having some nude pictures surface recently and how they're talking about taking her crown away from her.
Howard said he thinks that Artie is having Blackberry withdrawals because he was typing on his computer that's turned off. Artie said he felt like it was playing the piano or something and he was tying an imaginary email.
Robin had a story about John Cho who was in the new Star Trek playing Sulu. Howard said he didn't know he was from Harold and Kumar. Robin had some audio of John talking about the new movie but Howard bailed after about 3 seconds. He was taking too long to answer a question.
Robin read that there's a new fashion show coming out on the Bravo channel. She had some audio of one of the stars of the show talking about what they were going to be doing. Howard had to bail on that clip as well. He went back to the John Cho clip instead. He lasted a couple more seconds with him but had to bail on that as well.
Robin read about Michael Phelps getting back into competition this week. She also had a story about Brett Favre possibly coming back to play again. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
After the break we heard a Jack and Rod Show bit with Sal and Richard playing a game with a guy they called. Fred also played Pink Floyd's ''Money'' as they were coming back.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. Lisa said she spoke to Dr. Drew Pinsky about Artie. Dr. Drew is feeling bad for Artie because he's still calling the shots in his life when he shouldn't be doing that. Artie said that he was offered a shot on that show, Celebrity Rehab, and he was offered so much that he's not even allowed to say how much it was. He said that it's only 3 weeks of work and they really want him on there.
Midget Actor Calls In. 05/06/09. 7:55am
Eric the Midget called in so Howard asked if he voted last night. Eric said he doesn't vote this season. He had Johnny Fratto on the phone and Johnny was snoring because he'd fallen asleep. Howard asked Eric what the strange noise was coming out of the phone. He didn't realize it was the snoring. Howard said that was an odd snore.
Dominic Barbara called in so Howard asked him about getting back together with this woman who he has married and divorced twice already. Howard asked him why he's doing this and why Leslie is putting herself through this. Dominic said that he's just human and now he's taking things day by day. Howard asked why she's willing to date him again. Robin said she heard that she never wanted the divorce.
Artie said that he wasn't able to get out of his mind that High Pitch Eric was digging into the pill bottles. He said that he can't imagine the doctor thinking that was the right thing to do.
After the break we heard some prank calls Sal and Richard made to the Jonah Falcon radio show. Fred played the Counting Crows ''A Long December'' as they were coming back.
After the break we heard some prank calls that Sal and Richard made to the Tradio radio show using clips of the host. Fred played a few John the Stutterer song parodies and then U2's ''Beautiful Day'' as they were coming back from break.
Fred started Robin off with a song parody. Robin got into her news and read a story about Craigslist that's now being asked to shut down their want ads for adult things. Howard said that he was wondering about that and why everyone is allowed to do that on the web.
Gary asked Artie about what happened with Lisa today and if he would have thrown something at her if she was a dude. Artie said that there would have been a much better chance of it. He said that he would never do anything to a chick though. He said he wouldn't hit her or anything like that.
Artie said that maybe he would have. He asked Gary if he's going to get fired if he throws one more thing. Gary said he thinks that he would be. Artie said that he doesn't think Howard could defend him again if he did that.
Artie said he threw a CD at Sal and a cup at Teddy. He doesn't think he has many more chances. Artie said he does feel bad about Lisa but she got him really fuckin' mad today. Artie said he's not looking for any sympathy about that stuff. He said he makes a lot of mistakes in his life and he doesn't need them pointing that stuff out to him on the air.
Artie said that he's on lock down in his life right now so he's at Defcon 5. He said that he's feeling better than he has in years. He said he managed to stay witty in that 5 years he was on heroin though.
Gary said that someone was saying that they'll know if Artie is high again if they just take this tape and compare it to his other conditions. Artie said that's great.
Artie said that every success story about getting off of this stuff is to do what he's doing by locking down and making sure you stay away from that shit. Artie said that he has a cop downstairs waiting for him to go home. He said he's paying all of these guys and he has no choice in the matter.
Artie said that he could go to rehab or something but he's not going to do that. Artie said that there's this thing called a PINS warrant that his family could put out there for him if he was out of control too much. Artie said that they could have done that to him. He said that he could stop this whole thing because he's using his own money for it but his mother and sister gave him an ultimatum. He said they told him that they can't be in his life if he's going to keep doing what he's doing. Artie said he and his mother and sister need each other a lot and he has to get better for them.
Artie said that his father went out in such a horrible way that it was like Armageddon for them. He said they need each other to keep going on. He has to be the man there and get healthy so they can be happy. That's what he's doing now.
Artie said that when you get out of rehab you have a reentry thing into regular life. Artie said that he had to figure out how to be sober and clean in his life without going away and doing that drastic change. He said that so far it's working for him.
Artie said he gets why Dr. Drew might think it won't work. He said he's been to three rehabs in his life and they just didn't work. He said they were all court ordered. Gary said he thought it was only one. Artie said that one was a halfway house type of thing. He said that was the first year of MAD TV. Then the second year was the one that he was sent to in the second year of MAD TV.
Jon asked Artie what it was that set him off today. Artie said if they were in his position they'd be a little intense like that too. Artie said that things are going positive for him and Lisa came in and said that things were going to fail. He got pissed off at her and that's what set him off. Artie said the stuff with his sister and mother are very personal and it's like she's screwing it up.
Artie said he wanted to strangle Lisa today when she came in. He said he likes her but she won today with that story. Gary asked Artie if there's some kind of battle going on. Artie said there's no battle, it's the news department doing their job. Artie said the only one who is happy with that news department is Howard. He said no one else likes having the news department digging into their lives.
Artie said that Lisa and Steve are very good at what they do and they like to throw out those lines to try and get a reaction. He said that Robin catches a lot of shit for what she's doing. Artie said she claims that she was close to dying and got well on this diet she's on and they still give her a hard time about it. They still try and bait her about it on the air and that's just the way things go. He said Howard seems to be happy with it so they keep doing it.
Artie said his sister lives a similar lifestyle to Robin's and that's great. He said he likes to have fun making fun of her about it but the news department is doing it in a way that just isn't right. Artie said they bust balls and Robin can take it. He said the news department is another thing.
Artie said he wasn't bullshitting this morning, he was really mad. Artie said that this thing he's doing is saving his life and these motherfuckers come in and say that he's going to fail and that pisses him off. Artie said Lisa missed the real story and said that she should have been asking about what kind of money they were offering him to do Celebrity Rehab. Artie said they want him to fail so he has to go on that show.
Artie said that Lisa knows that they've offered him money to do that show and Lisa should have picked up on that.
Jon said everyone there wants to see Artie succeed in this whole thing. Artie said he knows that. Gary said he's not sure why Artie was so pissed today because on any other day he would have just blown it off. Artie said that it's all timing. He said that he has hung out with Steve and Lisa on occasion and he doesn't think they want him to fail but this whole thing is very sensitive to him.
Jason came in and said that Artie had a great point today about the news team. Jason said that Lisa and Steve are professional journalists and if they were real then Lisa would have gotten the second side of the story and interviewed people who have gone through rehab and have succeeded.
Artie said that the story about him being offered a spot on Celebrity Rehab is a story that they didn't pick up on. Artie said that's what Lisa should be reporting about.
Steve Langford came in and said he agrees with Artie about the conflict of interest on the Dr. Drew thing. Artie said that he's right. Gary said that Artie was right to do this because now maybe Steve will lay off of Captain Janks and concentrate on Dr. Drew instead.
Steve said he doesn't agree with Artie about the news only being negative. Steve said that they've done some nice stories on the people there and they've been very positive.
Benjy asked Artie if he would go to Howard and ask him to make them back off. Artie said he has thought about that and even about leaving the show all together. He said that he wouldn't have thrown anything at Lisa but it's scary to him that he gets that angry. Artie said he's thought about packing it in and trying to become the fat neighbor on a sitcom again.
Artie said he thought it was funny that Ronnie came into the studio today when he was going off on Lisa. He figured that Ronnie would have helped him beat up Lisa if he had gone that way.
Benjy asked Gary how Lisa went over the line today. Gary said he sees Artie's point about how he's in a transition and in turmoil. He said that maybe not everyone recognizes that. Gary said that she didn't break any rules doing what she did but it was bad timing. Artie said that's what it was, bad timing. Artie said it's really a bad time to be doing this because his mother is crying every night now. Maybe it'll get better when he's all better.
Artie said that Lisa didn't do her job and she only went to the one guy, Dr. Drew, and ran with the story instead of looking into it more. Jason agreed with him on that.
Gary said that the news department there is different than other places. Gary said that they're playing to Howard and it might be interesting to do that stuff on the air instead of getting everyone's side. Steve said they do try to get every side of the story.
Steve said they have a rolling deadline to do their stories but in this case they are right. Artie said that he wouldn't ask them to back off of him. He'd rather leave the show first instead. Artie said he knows they're doing their job there and he doesn't want to make they stop.
Artie said that this system that Robin is on has saved her life so for Steve to come in and say that colonics can kill you was just a dig at Robin. Steve said it was a report in Consumer Reports saying that they were dangerous and they have done stories about it in the past about how they can be good for you. That's why they didn't get another side of the story.
The guys went back and forth debating all of that stuff for a couple of minutes before Jon moved on to some phone calls. The first caller said he loves Artie on the Wrap Up Show and thinks that he should be forced to do the show for two weeks after being out sick. The caller said that Lisa wasn't saying anything different than what Gary and Howard have said about his way of getting clean. He said it seemed like Artie was pissed off before Lisa even came in too.
Artie said he loves a good argument on the air but he's flawed and may be acting like a hypocrite today. He said he was sorry about that but he's not sure what to tell him. Artie said that he doesn't have to go to a lock down rehab because he's tried it before and it didn't work. He said he's got a lot of support from the guys there and things are working out okay. Artie said he can't predict the future either.
Jon asked Artie if he was tweaked in the segment earlier in the show when they were doubting he was even seeing the shrink. Artie said that he's definitely going to see the guy, he's not lying about that.
Gary said that Scott the Engineer was outside of the studio ranting about Artie and he had to think about sending him or not. Jason told him to go in earlier. Artie said he liked how Ronnie came in again during that. He said he just stands there with his arms crossed while the battle is going on.
Steve was saying that he's a master of doing positive stories in the news too. He said that he does both and they sell well just like the negative stories. Artie said that the negative stuff sells and that's why they keep doing the Captain Janks stuff.
Steve said that the stories he's done about Artie that are positive are some of his favorites. Steve said that he just covers the news and he doesn't pick positive over negative. He said that they both sell but Jason said that the stories on the newspaper covers are negative and you never see positive stuff there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had to defend Artie there. He said that Lisa is living such a lonely, cockless life that she has a vendetta against him. The guy told Steve that he's a great reporter and asked him if he would go into a story and not know the whole story. Steve said journalism is the first draft of history and it's not going to be perfect.
Artie said he thought that Lisa's story was a bad, lazy story and that's all he was pointing out. Artie said that 10 minutes before she did an interview with him about his book.
Shuli came in and said that Jason is making comments about Steve and the way he does stories but he and Will used to do stories for ''Page 69'' that they didn't check with anyone about. Jason said that was their gossip page and he never claimed to be a journalist. Shuli said that they shouldn't be telling people how to do their jobs when they do that kind of stuff. Jason said he's not going to listen to a stand-up comic about news. They had to go to break after that.
The guys debated the Robin stuff and Jason said he thinks that Benjy is going to lay the blame at Howard's feet. Benjy said he's not blaming Howard but it is sanctioned by Howard. He said Howard is their boss and that's what he wants them to do.
Jason said that what the news department is doing is no different than what TMZ is doing by sitting outside places with cameras rolling. Gary said that people used to call him without being asked to and they'd have stories to tell him.
Shuli asked if Gary has ever asked Steve to take headlines out of the news preview. Gary said that he does run that stuff past him sometimes.
Jason said that Shuli almost broke up Robin and Jim when he ran a news story about them. Shuli didn't know what he was talking about. Shuli didn't get why they were out of line all of a sudden with this story today.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard must be sitting in his limo just smiling about all of what's going on today. He said Howard was just sitting back and watching all of this going on. He thinks that Howard wanted this argument today. Gary said he thinks Howard was trying to protect Lisa and wasn't really liking that the fight was going on.
Jon said Howard does love people fighting and he has to agree with the caller about that. Jason said Howard kind of defended Teddy that time Artie got into a fight with him. That was almost the match for the fire that day.
Gary said they do love the fights on the air but he doesn't think Howard ever wanted the fight with Teddy to get where it went. That's what happens when you mess with people like that though.
Jason said that it gets scary when you think about what AJ Benza did to Stuttering John. He said that incident sucked the fun out of the whole thing that day.
Ralph called in and said Steve's story today was just a seed he was planting in people's heads and he was giving the other side of that story that Robin's life was saved by her diet. He said he doesn't know why they have this bug up their ass about the news. Ralph said no one wants Artie to fail and Lisa was just reading a story about what Dr. Drew was saying and he doesn't get what the other side of the story is.
Jason said the news department isn't doing their job and he was going to explain to him what the difference was. Jason said they don't produce real news for that news department. Jason said Lisa could have made a bunch of other phone calls yesterday when she got that Dr. Drew story but she didn't bother. Ralph said he didn't get why it wasn't a news story. Jason said it was a quote from one person, that's why it wasn't a story.
Ralph said Jason is wrong and he's sounding stupid. Gary said Jason is saying that a news story is something that happens and this story was kind of manufactured. Jason said that they're a goof and not a real news department. Ralph said he's not making a point though. He's just stating the truth.
Gary said Howard never signed them up for the whole thing, they were just kind of thrown into it. Ralph said he's not saying that everything they do is right or wrong but they're reporting on the stuff that they do on the show.
Jason asked Ralph what he would do if they ran a promo asking people to call in with stories about Ralph and what they've seen him out doing. Ralph said he would call in himself. Ralph said he can't wait to hear the replay today because it is great shit for the show. He said the news would back off if Howard told them to so everyone has different rules there. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started the show talking about a funny tape he found on TheOnion.com. It was about Star Trek being too good and having acting that was too good for the old Star Trek fans. Howard said it takes a minute to unfold but it's worth it. He played the clip and Artie was laughing quite a bit as it went along.
Howard said he's not even sure how those guys make money with that stuff. Howard said they're pretty brilliant though.
Artie said he's pretty sure that they started it at the university of Madison. He said a lot of the guys who started it are actually still there. Artie said that they put out books and make money from that but he's not sure how else they do. He said they're unbelievably funny with the stuff they put out.
Howard said they're almost like the old Saturday Night Live news reports. He said he thought that was a really good one.
Artie said he saw Tom hosting Hollywood Squares one time when he was on it. He said he saw him make like $300,000 that day. Howard said he also hosts that America's Funniest Home Videos. Howard said he can see that Tom hates the chick he works with on Dancing with the Stars. He just goes along with it though.
Howard said he heard from Ronnie that they voted that girl off of American Idol that he voted for the other night. Howard said that he tried to keep her in there voting for her the other night. Howard said he wasn't able to watch the show himself.
Howard said the girl was a good singer. He said they have 3 guys left on the show. Howard said he thinks that Simon's comments had something to do with her getting booted off. Robin said that some people vote against him because he's so harsh though.
Howard said that Norm MacDonald is going to be there today too. They spent a minute talking about him. Howard said he was just on not too long ago and he was great but then he wants to come back and they think that it's too soon.
Howard said he was listening to Bubba yesterday and he's friends with that Tucker Carlson guy so he was on with him. Howard said he thinks that Tucker is good on the show. He said he thought the guy was a conservative but he must have been wrong.
Howard mentioned that they have Ron Howard, Jimmy Kimmel, Ben Stiller and Denis Rodman coming in soon. He said that they're coming close to the last year of the show and they'll be winding down. Howard said that the news team will be leaving people alone after that.
Artie mentioned that he went looking for Lisa G when he came in this morning. He said he wanted to apologize to her about what he said to her yesterday. He said that he actually didn't sign any paperwork about what they offered him for that Celebrity Rehab so he could have told Lisa how much it was. He said he might just do that.
Howard read about a KFC coupon that Oprah had offered to her audience and it led to near-riots and things going on at the KFC's in some areas. Robin said she thought that story was a goof but it turns out it was real.
Howard said he heard that some of the franchises weren't honoring the coupons and the people who went to these places were ready to riot.
Howard brought up another incident that happened with some Popeye's chicken places not too long ago. He had some audio of a news report where they talked about the Popeye's running out of chicken and the customers were freaking out about it saying that they were trying to feed their kids and it was wrong that they had run out of chicken.
Howard said he liked how the reporter was all nice and polished with the way she spoke and then you hear these customers talking and they're barely able to speak. Howard continued the clip and we heard people threatening to never go to Popeye's again.
Artie said he saw a commercial for Popeye's one time and it was really weird. He said that out of the O comes a black guy and the guy says ''I love that Popeye's fried chicken!'' and he thought it was a goof. He said he saw the commercial like 50 times that weekend.
Howard wondered if they had to pay the cartoon Popeye to use that name. He asked Lisa G to do some research on that.
Robin said she loves this promotion that Oprah was doing because it shows what kind of food they have on the menu. She read about the two chicken pieces with two sides and two biscuits. Artie talked about his grandmother getting chicken and how she really didn't care about her weight in the end. He said the food always looked really good.
Howard said his father has the secret to staying thin. He told the guys about what his father eats and how he just limits what he takes in and doesn't snack on stuff. He said he'll eat anything but he doesn't get crazy and eat a lot. He said he'll just get his fill and stop eating instead of over doing it. Howard said his mother is pretty good about it too.
Artie said that the older generation doesn't over think things and that might be why they can stay thin. Robin said they don't make themselves crazy over anything. Howard said they don't get stressed about anything. They just say what they want and get on with their lives.
Robin said her mother was having heart problems and just complained about not getting much sleep. Howard said his father told his mother not to watch him leaving the house when she said that she got sad seeing him leave. He said his father would just say that she could avoid getting upset by not looking.
Robin brought up the Oprah thing again and talked about how crazy things got over it. Howard said that the chicken is just gross and really fattening when you see how they make it.
Gary said he saw that episode where Oprah was saying they had free two piece chicken for everyone. Gary said that it was actually the grilled chicken and not the fried stuff. Gary said they wheeled out this giant dining room table on the show and explained how the chicken was healthy now that it wasn't fried.
Robin said that there were racial epithets being thrown around by the people who weren't able to get their free chicken. Robin read about one manager running away from the group of people who were demanding their free chicken. There were people who wanted free chicken and people who were willing to pay for it who were fighting. That's were the screaming came from.
Howard read about Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, who is going out and telling kids in school that teen pregnancy is wrong. This is a girl who was pregnant as a teen and she's unmarried with a kid now. Howard said that this Palin family is really screwy. He said that they've got so many wacky things going on in their lives. He said they came close to being in the White House.
Howard said that Bristol is going around saying that her former comments were taken out of context when she said that teen pregnancy is unavoidable. Howard said they weren't taken out of context, he remembers seeing her say that it wasn't possible.
Artie asked Howard if he thinks that Obama wouldn't have won if Palin wasn't involved with the McCain campaign. Howard said he thinks that Obama still would have won. He said that Palin just made sure that McCain wasn't going to win. Howard said that he wasn't going to allow that yokel from Alaska to be his Vice President. He said it would be like voting for Granny and Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies. Howard said it was the most insane pick ever because the woman was such a turd.
Howard said that this Joe Biden had some credentials at least. He said he could deal with that fucker while he couldn't deal with Palin. Robin said Palin brought nothing to the campaign at all and the only reason she was there was because she was a woman.
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Howard said now that the cow got out they're going to send it to an animal refuge. Howard said he hasn't been eating red meat because he thinks that the cow is too high on the evolutionary chain. Howard said he wouldn't even eat steak when he was a kid. Howard said he knows that people love the meat but he just can't eat it.
Howard said he doesn't think that it's necessary to eat red meat. He said he does eat chicken and fish but pork and red meat is too up the scale for him.
Howard said he saw the picture of the cow and it was weird to see the thing waiting to be slaughtered. Robin said she was shocked to see that they slaughter race horses and they send the meat over to Europe to be eaten.
Howard talked about Richard's pet names at the farm when he was growing up and how lame the names were. He said they named a calf ''Calfy'' and a fish ''fishy.'' Richard said that's the kind of stuff they did at the farm but he did that with his fish that he had there in the city. Richard said they're getting a little more creative. They named one fish ''Pumpkin'' because it's orange.
Howard said he doesn't hear many stories about Richard on the news. He said he manages to fly under the radar. Richard said that he and Sal are able to just stay in their office and avoid that stuff.
Richard said that when he was growing up they'd raise hogs to show at the 4-H fair and they'd get attached to them. Richard said he got upset when he heard that George Clooney's pig had died. Richard said that they raised these pigs and this trailer would show up to take them away and all of the kids would cry when they took them away. Howard said Richard was nearly in tears just talking about that.
Richard said raising a pig is almost like having a dog and you get attached. Richard said that the pigs rub their nose on you and they even wag their tails.
Richard talked about one of their pigs falling into their out house one time and how his mother had to go in and get it with a net. He said the whole town showed up that day because they thought that one of the kids had fallen into the out house.
Howard and Artie were making fun of Richard about the way he goes to a Papa John's pizza place for pizza in New York City when there are so many ''real'' pizza places there.
Howard and the guys watched some of the video and commented on it as it was going on. Howard said she shows some camel toe in that video. Howard said he's watched the video closely. Howard asked Robin if that makes her want to go lesbo at all. Robin said that she's not into that at all.
Robin told a story about how they had gone down to New Orleans one time and Pam Anderson was there doing some crazy stuff and she wasn't able to stick around. Howard remembered being down there. He said that they were there and he went to meet Robin and some people for dinner. He said Pam had already been hitting the bottle and she had some friends with her.
Robin said Pam's dress was falling off. Howard said this was when Pam was in her prime too. Howard said Pam was saying they were all gay and the girls would just giggle. Howard said Robin got up to leave not too long after that.
Howard said he had a guy following him up to his room that night because he thought that Pam was going to be coming up and he had to be there. The guy was willing to pay him to get into the room. Howard told the guy that he could stand outside his room and he'd see that she wasn't going to show up. Howard said there were a lot of guys who were fascinated with the ''we're gay'' comments that Pam and her friends were making.
Howard said Pam and the girls weren't saying much of anything other than they were gay. They weren't even kissing or anything when they asked them to. They'd just say ''we're gay'' over and over. Robin said she wasn't able to stick around any longer when she saw that going on.
Artie said he worked with a gay hair guy who told him some stories about working on Pam's TV show ''V.I.P.'' Artie said Pam would ask the guy if he knew if she was supposed to be mad in the scenes she was shooting for the show.
King of all Blacks called in and asked Howard why he doesn't eat pork. He asked if it was because of the whole Jewish thing. Howard said that the bible was written to give people a guilty conscience so they wouldn't do bad things. Howard said that at the time there were problems with eating pork because of the stuff they carried like worms and trichinosis. Howard said they just didn't want to spread disease so the Jews weren't supposed to eat anything with a cloven hoof.
Howard said it was all health related back then and not that many Jews are sticking to that ''don't eat pork'' thing now.
King said that he knows a Rabbi who has a wife who has her head shaved and wears a wig. Howard said he knows of a lot of different Jews who are now reformed and are basically Christian.
Howard talked about going to temple when he was a kid and how awful that was. Howard said that the place was disgusting and so boring. He said that if anyone went there they wouldn't want to go to church again. Howard said that they used to read the Torah and you'd be reading something that you had no clue what the meaning of it was. He sang a little bit and then Fred played some of Gilbert Gottfried singing that stuff.
Howard said that you'd have to read this stuff and study it and you'd have no idea what it was. He said that this guy who taught him had the worst breath. He said his breath was like he'd eaten shit and then drank shit water and then had shit cake for desert.
Howard said his name had no translation into Hebrew so they just called him ''Shvi'' and the guy would ask him to read this stuff and breathe on him with his shit breath. Howard said that he used to have a hot girlfriend when he was around 13 or so. He said that the girl came to his bar mitzvah and he had to sing all of this nonsense. He said she got rid of him when she saw him singing that crap.
Howard said that they taught him Hebrew and he had to learn all of these rules and he got nothing out of it. Howard said he became anti-Semitic because of it. He said he wanted nothing to do with the Jewish faith after that. He said it was insanity.
Howard said he had to go through a full year of that nonsense. His sister didn't have to do any of that. She managed to get out of the whole thing. Howard said his sister got to have a sweet 16 party one year and that was great. He said he was right at the other girl's tittie height at the time so he wanted to stop growing around that time.
King and Howard talked about some of the different kinds of Jews that are out there. Howard said that the orthodox are so whacked out that they have to sit separately from their women. Howard said the hasidum are really wacky too. King said he can tell what a super Jew is because they won't talk to you. Howard said that's because he's not a chosen one.
Howard said his kids love the Jewish religion because they learned everything in English. King said that church for black people is fun. Howard said that they turn it into an entertainment show and that's almost like the reformed Jews because they do stuff like that too.
King asked why the poorest people are the ones who get so into that church thing. Howard said it's free entertainment. He said it can be a remarkable thing when you get to go to something free like that. Howard said that if poor people didn't have religion then they'd be running through the streets killing people.
Howard said that these Arab guys who think they're getting 70 virgins when they die must be having really shitty lives if they're willing to kill themselves. Howard said that he thinks that religion is a bunch of horse shit and he never said that he didn't believe in god. Howard said no one knows. He said he figures this is it and nothing happens when you die. Robin said that even Einstein believed in god.
Robin said the older you get the more you want to believe. Artie said his father was an atheist and even he made peace with God by the end. Artie said his father told him that he was at peace with where he was going. He said that the guy was scared shitless by that time.
Howard said if they really want to know if there is a god, they should ask Fred. They played the ''Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred'' theme song and then asked Fred for his thoughts on the subject. Fred said that there is no invisible man out there looking down on them but there may be some kind of higher power out there. He said that when you die, that's it. He said that you become worm food and you live on through your heirs and through the plants and birds and whatever.
Fred said that your energy can be converted. Robin asked Fred about the energy that animates you. Robin asked where that energy goes. Fred said we don't know. Fred said there is no happy guy in the sky or evil guy in the sky so that's that.
Howard thanked Fred for that and moved along after playing his song again. Howard thanked King for the call but King had another question. He said he wanted to know if Howard thinks that this Mika Brazinsky looks good. Howard had no idea who she was. King said that she's on MSNBC with Joe Scarborough. Howard said that she probably is hot if she's on there. Fred said he saw a picture of her and she looked ''dude like'' and kind of Merryl Streep looking. Howard checked out the picture and said she wasn't that bad. He said she was kind of cute. Fred said he'd like to put a different head on that body. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that was a great song Fred was playing. Howard said that was from John Lennon's first solo album. Fred said that was his best work too. Howard said he gets sad when he hears his solo stuff. He listened to the song for a few minutes. Lennon had mentioned Yoko in the song so Artie said he wishes there was some other women mentioned in the song other than her.
Howard had Lisa G come in after that with her news preview. Artie said that he and Lisa made up out in the hall earlier. Howard said he was hoping that it would be on the air. Lisa said that she felt upset yesterday when Artie talked to her the way he did yesterday. She said she doesn't deserve that. Artie said that the C-word is a time release bomb and it doesn't hit right away. He was sorry he did that to her yesterday. Robin didn't know the word was that effective.
Robin said that the word wouldn't bother her that much. Howard said it would hurt her if there was emotion behind it. Robin said that the N-word has an effect but not the C-word. Artie said that the N-word followed by the C-word would have an effect.
Howard said that Lisa and Artie have cleared the air over that. Lisa said she called Dr. Drew yesterday after that whole thing. Dr. Drew told her that he has nothing to do with casting the Celebrity Rehab show. She said that he was saying that he had no motive to get him on the show other than having some concern for his well being.
Lisa said Drew had no idea that they were upping the amount of money to have him on the show. Artie said that they offered him $250,000 to go on that show for 3 weeks. Fred said ''For three weeks?... shit!'' He sounded amazed by that number. Howard said that Artie is like the new Kardshians. That led to the guys talking about the Kim Kardashian chick and even Lisa got in on the bashing. She said she looked like she had a pillow stuffed into her pants because her ass is so big. Howard said she's not that hot and doesn't know why people carry on about her.
Lisa finished up her news preview and said that Dr. Drew said he's going to tell the producers to back off of Artie and leave him alone. Artie said that they haven't contacted him lately, that was the last number they gave him.
Artie said that he actually learned how to cut up and snort heroin when he was in a rehab program. He said you're in there with drug addicts so they all know.
Howard said he wouldn't want Artie to do that show because he knows it's bullshit and it's not going to work to help him get him off the drugs.
Lisa said that she found the teacher that Artie loved in school. She said that she talked to him about Artie and how great he thought he was. She said the teacher always thought Artie would be successful. They wrapped up so they could get Tom Bergeron in there.
Howard said that Tom has one of the most professional deliveries in the business. Howard asked him if he had a voice like that when he was 17. Tom said it was more like Mr. Haney back then but he knew he wanted to be a radio announcer at 17.
Tom said he had a teacher at high school who was a news man and he wanted to get into the business with his help. Tom said his parents weren't so sure about him getting into that business but things worked out. He said he started out on a station in his home town.
Tom said that at 16 he interviewed two of the Three Stooges on the phone. He got to interview Moe and Larry at the age of 16. Tom said that everyone was out of the house that day and he knew that they were still alive so he figured he'd just call information in California and find them. He was able to find Larry Fine's number and he called. He said that the woman who answered said that it wasn't his house but she knew where he was because they got those calls often.
Tom said that this was in 1971 or 72. He said he called this motion picture home and the guy told him to call back in a half hour. He made the call and Larry still had that distinctive voice of his. He said Larry asked him if he wanted Moe's number and he gave it to him. Tom said he called Moe and got his wife and then Moe got on the line. Tom said that Moe asked him who gave him his number. Tom said Larry did and Moe just paused and said ''Larry...''
Tom said he and Moe talked for about 20 minutes and he thinks he still has those tapes somewhere. Howard asked him if he would let them air it as a special. Tom said he would do that if he can find them. Tom said that he spoke to them for months after that and Larry sounded his best about a month before he died.
Tom said that the guys knew that he was just recording these things for his own good. Tom said that he actually got Moe to record something for his high school class. He said they had a film festival of the Three Stooges and he was able to get Moe to record something for the students. Tom said the students loved that stuff.
Tom said that he was like the Susan Boyle of his high school when he got Moe to do that for them. Artie figured he must have gotten a lot of pussy after that. Tom said that he wasn't getting a lot.
Howard asked Tom how much he was making when he was working on the station when he was 17. He said he was probably making about a buck 75 an hour at the time. Tom said he was on WBZ radio and TV up in Boston for a while. He said he did a morning show and a midday TV show for a while too.
Howard asked Tom if he's a millionaire. Tom said he's doing okay. Howard asked if he knew Dancing with the Stars was going to be a hit. Tom said he didn't. Howard said he knew it was going to be huge and he remembers telling Robin that and she didn't believe him. Tom said he was on Robin's side back then when they were starting out.
Howard asked Tom if he really hates that chick he works with on Dancing with the Stars. Tom said of course he doesn't. Howard said he can tell just by watching that he doesn't like her. Tom said that's not the case. Howard said the chick has to calm down on the show and stop doing things the way she is.
Howard thought they had changed the format of the show but Tom said it really hasn't changed. Howard said the show is a lot of hot chicks and it's very sexual when you see it. Artie told him to watch porno instead if that's what he's into.
Howard said that Juianne Hough is super hot but now she's performing with her real life boyfriend. Howard said he doesn't want to see that. He said she's almost not as hot now that she's doing that. Tom told Howard she's been voted off already so he might be right.
Howard talked to Tom about the show becoming a hit and asking if he was able to renegotiate when it did hit big. Tom said that he was able to do that. Howard told him he seems to be very good at his job and he keeps the show moving and can deliver jokes in a funny way. Howard asked Artie what he thinks he's getting to do that show. Artie figured it was six figures at least.
Tom said he does the America's Funniest Home Videos too. He said he's not doing any voice overs or any commercials.
Tom said he has two kids, 20 and 18, and a wife. Howard said that he must be whacking off to some of the dancers on that show. Tom said that's his private business. Fred played some whacking off sound effects for them as they were talking about that.
Howard asked about the gig he had on Hollywood Squares. Tom said that was a great gig. Howard said that's the kind of job he wants. They used to tape all of the shows in one day. Tom said they'd tape from 11:30 in the morning until 4 o'clock and they were done with a week's worth of shows.
Artie said that he did Hollywood Squares with Tom and he didn't get one answer right. He said that he was going to fuck with this one broad who picked him. He said that he wanted to make it hard for the woman and told her that he had just seen the interview that Bill Clinton had done and he said that his favorite guy of the 20th Century was John Kennedy. The woman agreed with him and Tom said ''Ooo, no, Gandhi.'' Artie said Tom's voice is stuck in his head from that shoot.
Howard asked Tom what's up with Paula Abdul because she is his neighbor. Tom said that when she's across the hall from him at work they have very lucid discussions. He's not sure what happens when she goes on the air.
Howard asked about the next season of Dancing with the Stars. Tom said they've picked the people already. Howard said that they should have Octomom on the show. He said he'd love to watch her dance. Tom said he didn't think that would be a good choice. Howard told him to have Condoleeza Rice, Bristol Palin and Octomom on the show and that would be a great line up.
Robin said that Condoleeza Rice was up there yesterday in the SIRIUS conference room. Artie joked that she sold weed to him. Howard said people thought she was Michelle Obama.
Howard said they should get that woman who had the face transplant on the show. Robin said she's still healing. Howard said that Lisa Rinna is still healing from her face surgery too and that didn't stop her.
Howard said he's told Lisa Rinna about her lips and that she has to tone it down a bit. Tom said that even Lisa has talked about that on the air. Howard asked if he thought that she had too much bush in her Playboy layout. Tom said he thought that it was nicely maintained. Howard said he'd prefer that it be completely shaved.
Howard asked Tom if he has ever walked in on the girls naked on the show. Tom said that he hasn't. Howard asked about some of the other people on the show and if they're being banged or not. Tom said he doesn't know about that stuff. He had also told Howard that he wasn't going to bring up anything about his wife on the show today. He said he promised her that he wouldn't mention anything.
Howard asked Tom when he lost his virginity. Tom said he was in his late teens. He didn't have a lot of women before he met his wife though.
Howard said that Tom lost out on the Price is Right gig. Tom said that it was just in the conversational stage and he wasn't given a real offer to do it. Tom said that he would have had to have moved to L.A. because he'd be out there more if he took that job. Tom said he lives in Connecticut for half the year and he's neighbors with Gary.
Robin mentioned that Dom Deluise had just died and he was on Hollywood Squares quite a bit. Tom said that he was there when they used to have to lower the curtain on him so he could change in the square.
Howard asked Tom about the titties popping out on Dancing with the Stars. Tom said that he has seen that stuff happen but he has to keep the show moving along.
Howard asked Tom about Heather Mills on Dancing with the Stars and if he thought she was a terrible person. Tom said that they tend to put on a good face on the air and he doesn't talk to them much behind the scenes. Tom said that Heather actually cracked his back one night at a party and she was very nice from what he could tell.
Howard asked who his dream season would be on that show. Tom didn't get a chance to answer. Howard said he thinks they should have Mike Tyson on the show. That led to Artie doing his impression of Tyson and said he would fuck Tom until he loved him.
Howard told Tom that he needs Governor Patterson and Michael J. Fox on the show too. Tom said he heard that Stevie Wonder was considering doing it. Howard said they should get Elliot Spitzer and his whore to do the show too. He said he'd love to see her dance on the show. Tom didn't know what her name was. Gary said that it was Ashlee Dupree.
Howard asked Tom what he's worth. He said that he's very successful and he's in some big hit shows. Howard figured he was worth maybe $15 million. Tom asked Howard what his was. Tom said he figures that Howard is half a billion at this point. Howard told him he's out of his mind. Artie said he heard that Bob Saget is worth $15 million so he's going to say that Tom is worth like $7 million.
Howard gave Tom a plug for his book ''I'm Hosting as Fast as I Can!: Zen and the Art of Staying Sane in Hollywood'' and said that he'll be signing some books in New Hampshire on June 13th.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he grew up watching Tom up in Boston and he can't believe that because he's such a putz. Tom said that must be his father on the phone.
Wheels called in and said he watches Dancing with the Stars and brought up the incident where Melissa's tit popped out on the show. Howard asked Tom if he would have Amy Fisher on the show. Tom said he hopes not. Robin suggested Amy Fisher and Tanya Harding. Tom said that would be the ''Jump the Shark'' edition.
Howard asked Tom if the judge, Bruno, was gay. Tom said he really has no idea who people are sleeping with or what they're up to. Artie, in his Tyson voice, said ''He didn't blink when I fucked him.'' That got Tom laughing.
Howard asked Tom how the dancers on the show get paid. He didn't understand how they can make a living doing that. Tom said that they teach and have their own schools and stuff so that must be how they make money.
Howard said that Lance Bass was on the show. Howard asked if he should have danced with a guy. Tom said that was discussed but they didn't go ahead with that. Tom wasn't sure who would lead in the dance if they had two guys.
Howard asked Tom about Jewel's husband on the show and wondered how he got her. Tom said that they make complete sense to him. Howard said he doesn't get it. Howard said that guy looks like he might even be slow. Tom said that he's really not. Artie was doing more of his Tyson impression and had Tom laughing at the jokes he was doing as Tyson.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and asked Tom about some of the stuff that's happened on the show. They talked about Samantha being sick one week and how she stayed on even though she had lost her voice. Howard said that Tom is never sick and he's always there.
Tom said that he does the Transcendental Meditation thing like Howard does. He said he's been doing that for 30 years now. Tom said it never came up before because he was busy avoiding the banging questions.
Artie was still doing his Tyson impression and joking about fucking Tom and things like that. Howard wondered why he doesn't sound as professional as Tom does after all these years. Robin said he sounds fine but may not have been as polished when he was younger like Tom was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the story about Moe and Larry put a smile on his face earlier. Howard said he was a huge fan of those guys too. He said that those guys weren't jaded and they were just real people unlike people are today. Howard said that nothing like that happens today with stars.
Tom said he got a letter from Moe a couple of weeks later and he was asked to please not give out his number like Larry had. He said that Moe's stationary said ''From the desk of...'' and had his hair as a lamp shade. Howard said he got a copy of a canceled check that Moe had sent to a guy. He's seen that stuff and a bunch of other stuff over the years.
Tom told the guys about how some of the stories he heard from Moe and Larry and how they didn't get paid for the stuff they did.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Tom had ever finger banged Whoopi on Hollywood squares. Tom said that will be in the next book. Tom said that he and Whoopi are still friendly and they talk. He said he was just on The View recently and he does have her number in his iPhone.
Howard asked Tom why he wasn't Dick Clark's replacement for the New Year's Eve thing. Tom said he didn't know but he doesn't even stay up that late.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that he loves Melissa on Dancing with the Stars and he wants her to win. Artie was doing his impression of Jeff and asking him for money and copies of tapes like Jeff asks for from them.
Howard said that Tom was supposed to be on Good Morning America but he had to leave because his co-anchor didn't get along with him. Tom said that her name was Lisa McCree and they didn't have very good chemistry. Tom said that she was being very protective of Charlie Gibson and she didn't like the way they were trying to shuffle him out of there.
Tom said that he did okay after he was off of GMA. Tom said things have worked out well for him. Howard asked him about how he followed the Dr. John Sarno books like he did. Tom said that he got rid of his back pain just like Howard did.
Howard asked Tom if he will ever dance on Dancing with the Stars. Tom said that he actually has. Artie threw out a quick ''fag'' comment when he heard that. Fred threw in the Iron Sheik ''You are gay and faggot'' clip too.
Howard gave Tom some more plugs for his book and his TV shows. Howard asked him why he never went Hollywood and got the plastic surgery and stuff. Tom said it just looks sad when they do it. Tom asked ''Mike Tyson'' if he wanted to go out for drinks after. Artie, as Tyson, said that he was going to take Tom out and fuck him like Lisa McCree did. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Scott DePace had a tick on his balls. Howard said he had one himself. He said Doug Goodstein told him that Scott was so freaked out that he pulled him into the bathroom to show him where it was on his balls. Howard said he has the little ring on his balls.
Scott came in and said that it was actually on his thigh, not on his balls. Scott said he had to go to the doctor and he had to pull the rest of the tick out because his wife wasn't able to get it all out. He's now on a couple of meds to take care of the infection.
Howard said he pulled a tick out of Beth's head. He had one in his balls too and had to take antibiotics. Howard said he and Beth just pulled them out. He said some people tell you to use tweezers and some say that's not the right thing to do. Howard said he just used his fingers and popped the tick and then threw it into the toilet. Scott said he can't imagine Howard doing that.
Scott said their dog gets ticks all the time. Howard said theirs does too. Scott said he didn't have ticks for about 5 years after he put some stuff down at one point. Howard said there is some stuff that will keep them away. He said there's some that's organic but Scott said that his was chemical.
Scott said that he has to get blood work done to make sure he doesn't have Lyme disease. Howard asked him if he showed Doug his balls. Scott said it wasn't his balls.
Doug came in and said he didn't see his balls, he just saw him pull down his pants to show him where the tick was and it was right below his balls. Doug said it was really weird to have an employee pull him into the bathroom and show him his tighty whiteys.
Artie said that he saw ''Forgetting Sarah Marshall'' again because he had missed the beginning of the movie and now he's not sure he's a fan of the movie because he's seen that guy's cock. Howard said Artie is way homophobic and he has issues. Howard said that didn't ruin the movie for him. Artie said it didn't ruin it for him but it's just weird.
Howard asked Artie what the big deal is. Artie said they do too much gay stuff in movies these days. They always have two guys kissing and stuff in comedies. Scott told Howard that he agrees with Artie and Howard is the weird one.
Scott said that when you see a guy's balls it's just not right. Doug said that Scott's pubes were hanging outside of his underwear and that wasn't right.
Scott asked Howard about his ball tick and how Beth handled that. Howard said he was hiding his penis from her and he never really realized how ugly ball skin can be. He said that it looked like chicken skin to him and he didn't want Beth to see that.
Artie said that there have been times on the show when they have too much penis stuff on the show. Scott said it's funny to see Artie's reaction to that stuff. Howard said he thinks that penis stuff is funny.
Howard said he thinks that Scott DePace might be the most homophobic person he's ever met. He said Scott once said that he couldn't listen to Elton John anymore after he found out he was gay. Scott said it just changed the experience for him. Howard said that's very homophobic and even more than Artie is. Artie said Scott is way more homophobic than he is.
Artie said that they've known that Elton John was gay from when they were kids. Scott said he didn't even know what gay meant when he was a kid.
Howard said that Posh Spice is the hottest chick around. He said he doesn't care what anyone else says about her. He said that she looks so hot in this picture he was looking at this morning. He said she was so sexy in the picture. He showed it to Artie and said he was trying to get past the cock and balls discussions.
Howard said that Cat Stevens is claiming that Coldplay ripped him off with their song ''Viva La Vida.'' Howard played his song and also Joe Satriani's song that he claimed was ripped off. Artie said that they might all have legitimate complaints. The songs all did sound similar.
Howard said he got a new song parody about Robin. It was ''Feel Like Droppin Loads'' to the tune of Bad Company's ''Feel Like Makin Love.'' Howard played that song which was a Mike Morse parody. Robin said that people apparently have nothing better to do.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that Robin is the best thing she's ever heard. She said she's the greatest inspiration ever. Howard said she had nothing nice to say about him so he was going to hang up on her. He didn't see what was so cool about Robin.
Howard asked if there were any calls for him like that. The woman said that Howard gets those calls every day. Howard asked if Robin has ever done anything that bothered her. The caller said that the race car thing did. Howard said that means she's not that great of a role model.
The woman said that she has started doing colonics because of Robin. Howard said he wanted to find someone to debate this woman. Robin wanted to just thank this woman and let her go.
Howard picked up a call from a guy who said that Robin is annoying and he can't stand her on the show. The caller went off on Robin for a minute and said that he does like her big pendulous breasts but that's about it. The other woman said that he wouldn't be able to handle the stuff that Robin has to put up with every day there. the caller said that they treat Robin like a queen there.
Howard asked the caller why he thinks Robin and Jim broke up. The caller said that he figures it's because of his big ball sack. The woman said that Jim couldn't handle a woman like that. The guy said that Jim probably wanted to tea bag her every night and Robin didn't want to do that.
Howard asked the callers what they thought about Robin saying that Sully wasn't a hero when he landed the plane in the Hudson. The guy, Danny, said that was bullshit and he did something right. He said he was annoyed by that. The woman fan said that the word hero is used too loosely and Robin was right saying he wasn't a hero.
Howard asked them what they thought about Robin saying that she's doing a character on air. The woman said she agrees with that. Danny said that is the real Robin and not a character.
Robin said that her fans put up a great argument. The woman, Dana, said that she's a little on the chubby side but she has great Double D breasts. Howard thanked the two of them for calling in. Danny told Artie how great his book was as he as hanging up.
Norm said that he was hearing music in his headphones. Howard told him that it was a Baba Booey song parody that Fred was playing Norm didn't seem to know what was going on.
Howard told Norm that it's weird that they hadn't seen him in a long time and now all of a sudden he's showing up really often. Howard thought that Norm was chewing gum and told him to spit it out. Norm wasn't chewing anything but he hocked up a loogie and spit it on the floor. Howard told Norm it looks like he has some kind of illness.
Artie went over and picked it up for him instead. Howard told him to be careful with that. Howard told them to get the garbage out of there. Howard said that was disgusting and asked if he's ill. Norm said he's not.
Howard asked Norm if he's worried about the swine flu thing. Norm said that he used to worry about AIDS years ago when they said that everyone was going to get it. He said that it's pretty much gone away now and he's not worried about the flu thing.
Norm said that the people at Caroline's got upset with him for not doing enough press around this show he's doing. Norm said they asked him to do more press so he was doing interviews for a free newspaper and things like that. Howard said Norm should be able to sell enough by coming on this show and going on Letterman.
Norm told Artie that Bob Uecker wasn't too happy with the story he told on Letterman the last time he was on. Artie told the story again and said that it was the funniest 24 hours he's ever spent.
Artie said that he and Norm went out to visit the guy and Bob was announcing games at the time. He said that Bob would have a cough button in the studio and he would hit the button and make comments about the hot chicks in the crowd in the middle of calling a game. He told Howard about that for a short time and filled Howard in on how that worked.
Norm told a story about Bob seeing John Fogarty in the crowd at one point and he told them that he was going to get that fucker up there to sing for them. Norm said that Bob was cursing and telling them all of the shit that ''fucker'' did.
Howard said that Bob has a clean cut image and he doesn't want that kind of stuff out there. Norm said that he wasn't too happy with the whole thing that Artie did.
Artie said that Bob was on that show ''Mr. Belvedere'' and Bob kind of freaked out that the guy who played that guy might be gay. Artie and Norm told a few stories about him where he was saying really funny stuff about people being gay and stuff like that. Artie said the guy is the funniest guy he's ever met in his life.
Howard said he can't imagine Norm hanging out with the guy. Norm said that he went up to the booth with him recently and Bob mentioned Artie but called him ''Artie Klein.'' Norm said Bob told him that Artie must be running out of material if he's telling those stories about him.
Norm told Howard some other stuff about Bob and one story was about how he's old but still has great knees and how he can still give a great blow job. Norm said that he probably shouldn't be saying that stuff. Artie said that he and Norm have to do their impressions of Bob Uecker when they call each other to this day.
Howard said he was reading about how Mel Gibson was keeping his divorce a secret so the Catholic church wouldn't kick him out. Howard said he's apparently been paying her a million a month to keep her quiet about the whole thing.
Howard mentioned that Norm is at Caroline's this weekend. He said he had a great time hanging out with Norm the last time he was there. Robin missed that so Howard asked her if she's going to be away again this weekend. Robin said she's going out to California for her nephew's birthday.
Artie said back when they were shooting Dirty Work they were rehearsing. He said that Saget was walking them through the scenes and Norm and this girl were doing their lines and Norm hocked up a loogie and spit it on the wall of the Four Seasons hotel. Artie said the girl was horrified.
Howard said Greg Fitzsimmons was doing an interview with this girl Laura Kightlinger and she hates him. Norm just laughed. Artie said that she's a stand-up and Norm knows who she is. Norm said he has no problem with her. Howard played the audio of Laura going off on Norm on the Greg Fitzsimmons show that airs Monday nights at Midnight on Howard 101.
In the clip Laura said that Norm loves to pit people against each other and he'd pass along articles about people on SNL saying stuff about each other. She said that Norm wasn't a nice person and he didn't treat her very well or anyone else on the show.
Norm said that he didn't remember her from the show other than her ''hit characters on the show.'' Norm said that Janeane Garofalo used to bad mouth people and he'd ask them why she was out there doing that. That's all he was doing back then.
Howard said Norm looked surprised that Laura was saying that he was supposed to be her guide at SNL. Norm said that she came in right after he did so he wasn't sure why he would be her guide. Norm also said he has no idea how to tell women to be funny so that's nonsense.
Howard said he finds Norm to be a very pleasant man. He doesn't understand this stuff. Norm said he doesn't get it either. He said that he and Adam Sandler are buddies. Norm said he was pissing this woman off by ''reading the newspaper.''
Howard asked Norm if he's working on this new Adam Sandler movie. Norm said he's not working on it, but he will be in it. Norm said he did Billy Madison 15 years ago and he must have done so good that they're asking him back.
Artie told some stories about working with Jack Warden on ''Dirty Work'' too. He said that Bob Saget gave him some acting notes one day and Jack gave him a hard time about that when he paused at the beginning of a scene and told Saget he didn't want to forget his notes.
Artie told some stories about Don Rickles as well. Norm told some stories about Jack forgetting his lines and how they'd tell him he was doing just fine and Jack would tell them not to bullshit him. Norm said in one scene he was supposed to tell him about how hockey was a tough sport and Jack forgot his lines. He said that Jack just said his name a bunch of times and tried to get through it without remembering the lines.
Howard said Norm seems to be a man's man and asked if he thinks that women really can't be funny. Norm said when he was in school there would be laughs and when you'd run over to see who was being funny there would be a girl in the middle of the group. He was being sarcastic and said that he does find people like Tina Fey, Roseanne, Laurie Metcalf and others funny. Norm said that the stand-up isn't so easy and he's not sure why there are so few women that can do it. Artie said he thinks it's just a man's world.
Norm said that women seem to hate each other's guts and they're kind of phonies. Howard said he knows what he's talking about and knows how phony some of them can be.
Howard said that Sarah Silverman is funny doing stand-up. Norm said that they say that she's like a dude when she does her stand-up. Artie said he heard her tell a joke about how she had blown a Mexican guy and had diarrhea for three weeks after. He said that's the kind of joke that a guy would write.
Howard gave Norm some more plugs and Norm got all upset that they were asking him to do all of this extra press that they wanted him to do. Norm said he was doing Stern and Letterman and that wasn't enough for them.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw Norm on Conan not too long ago and he thought he was drunk. Norm said he doesn't drink. Norm said that he kind of slurs his words so he gets why people think that he's drunk.
Howard asked Norm if he's playing a character. Norm said his thoughts wander a lot so that might be another problem. He said that he gets that all the time when he talks to people and they think he's drunk.
Howard asked Norm if he's getting any chicks. Norm said he's making Colin Quinn look like Hugh Hefner right now. He talked about how funny Colin is and how he really shouldn't worry about his career so much. Howard said Colin is saying he's staying away from women until he gets his career on track. Norm said he doesn't understand that because he doesn't really go out with women.
Norm told Howard he saw some internet pornography recently and it was disturbing. Norm said that they used to show him stuff back at SNL that was faked. He said that's what he thought internet porn was until about 2 months ago. Then he saw the real stuff about 2 months ago and you can see every god dammed thing now. Norm said you start wondering why a chick can only take 6 cocks up her ass and more on to more hard core stuff.
Howard said he thought that Norm had some kind of hang up about sex. He's glad that he's watching that internet porn. Norm said he used to watch it with girlfriends and stuff and they'd do what they saw in the movies. He didn't get too detailed about that though.
Norm said that he doesn't think that he was raped as a child but he can't say that with 100 percent assurance. He said that if you repress that stuff then maybe he was. He said he doesn't think that stuff would slip his mind and it would probably be the one thing he would remember and he'd forget everything else if he was fucked in the ass.
Norm said that he'd probably forget about going to school and stuff and all he'd remember was his uncle's cock. He said that he'd probably think it was huge even if it wasn't all that big. Howard said that you would remember something like that.
Howard took another call, from the third Mark in a row, who said he thought Norm killed at the Stress Factory a couple of weeks ago. He said he was great down there. Howard wondered what was up with the name of the club. He wondered why they would name it something like that. Norm thought it was an odd name too.
Howard took a call from a guy who had fallen asleep. He was snoring. Howard said some guys fall asleep listening because they're on the line so long.
Norm told another Bob Uecker story about Don Drysdale. He was doing an impression of Uecker telling the story and Howard said it seemed like Bob was the Ashton Kutcher of his day based on that story. Artie told the second part of the story that Norm didn't want to tell. Artie said that they had kidnapped this one guy and told him that they were going to kill him but they just broke the news that they were fucking with him.
Artie told some other stories that Uecker told them about Harry Caray that he actually told on Letterman the last time he was on. Artie said that they scammed Harry into thinking that he was seeing a stripper nude while no one else did.
Howard said the caller was still asleep on the phone. Howard hung up on him and took a call from High Pitch Eric. Eric said he had a story about Norm. He said he went to an after party for a movie one time and got hammered with him. Norm said he didn't get drunk with him but he remembers talking to him.
Artie and Norm talked about the poker games they played for Sam Simon and how they didn't know that they were playing with their own money. Norm said Dave Chappelle lost like 10 grand that day and had no idea he was playing with his own money. Artie said they had a great time that day and laughed the whole day. Norm said he had a great time out there doing that.
Howard asked Norm if he knew that Artie didn't have a phone right now. Norm said he hasn't been able to get in touch with him because he has like 300 phone numbers. Howard filled Norm in on how Artie has cops living with him and he's not allowed to have a phone.
Artie talked about how Chris Farley was in Dirty Work and that was the last film he appeared in. He said they had a guy who was supposed to keep him from doing drugs but Farley would have chicks going into his trailer with weed and drinks all the time while the guy was over talking to Saget telling him how much he loved Full House.
Artie said the lowest moment in his life was when he bought the clean piss from the kid who was trying to be a fire fighter last year.
Norm said Artie is looking great right now. He has people asking him about him all the time and he has no idea how he's doing. Norm said Artie seems coherent these days. He said he thinks that he's funnier when he's sober and he's glad that he's cleaned up. Artie claims he's been clean for a month now. He's been under this martial law thing for about a week now though.
Howard asked Norm if he misses being on Saturday Night Live. Norm said he actually does. Howard said he doesn't think of him being sentimental about that kind of stuff. Norm said he has a picture of him and his son sitting at the Weekend Update desk together. He's sentimental about that.
Artie told Norm to tell the story about Magic Johnson. Norm told Artie to tell the story. Artie said Norm and his son were going up to get an autograph from Magic one time and the kid was about 7 at the time. The kid handed him the pen and Magic just said ''cap off!'' and the kid had to take the cap off for him. Norm said that he did get the autograph but he did have to take the cap off the pen first.
Norm said he had a guy throw a cigarette at him when he tried to get an autograph one time. He said that was Dave ''The Hammer'' Schultz. Norm said he actually thought that was kind of cool.
Howard said he used to tell people they were crazy when he was asked if he had any stuff from his career hanging in his house. Now he has some of that stuff hanging in his office. He said he likes looking back at that stuff now.
Howard wrapped up with Norm and gave him some more plugs for his upcoming gigs at Caroline's this weekend and all of that stuff. Norm also asked Howard how he's doing. Howard said he's doing great with Beth and told him that he'd be lonely without her. Howard said he and Beth like hanging out and watching movies together and things like that.
Howard asked Norm if he misses that kind of stuff. Norm said he wishes that he was with his son all the time. He and his wife split the time 50/50. Howard asked if he ever wants to be in a relationship. Norm was laughing and Howard thought he was making a joke. Norm started to hock up another loogie and wasn't taking the conversation very seriously.
Norm said life is brief and he doesn't want to spend time talking to a woman who tells him about how many words a minute she can type. He said he doesn't relate to them very well and has no desire to talk to them like that. Norm said that he can get tired of women but he never gets tired of seeing his shiny, red cock.
Artie said that he imagines the perfect life as laying in bed and watching a baseball game and then a woman walks in, fucks him, and then goes away.
Robin said there are guys out there who don't want to spend any time with women at all. Norm said he has some female friends and his best friend is a woman. Howard asked if there's a mother issue there. Norm said he doesn't fear stuff like that.
Artie said Norm is one of the best friends he's ever had. He said Norm isn't a loner, he likes funny people who like hanging out. Howard said there's so much more to learn but he has to move on. Howard told Norm that he can be his friend, just don't bother him. He had to wrap up and got to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Norm just came back in with a topical joke. Norm brought up Danny Gans the Vegas entertainer dying. Norm said that Dom Deluise just died and it just goes to show you that it always happens in threes. Howard and Robin groaned and said ''Wow.'' Norm said he liked that Robin said ''I get it'' instead of laughing.
Howard let Norm go after that. He said people who know the guy say he's a fun guy to be around. Howard thought he was great doing the news at SNL. Howard said they let him go because they didn't think he was funny though.
Howard said they didn't have to tell Norm he wasn't funny. That wasn't cool but that's what Networks do to guys. Howard said the FOX people fired Chevy Chase after saying he was the funniest guy around and then they bad mouthed him.
Artie said he's going to do a gig to help Janks out but his lawyer doesn't need to get in touch with him.
Steve said they found out that Artie is going to be doing something for MAD TV for their final episode. Artie said he taped a sketch there for them and he and Fred Willard are doing something for that. Artie said they got him into show business and he was happy to do it for them.
Steve said that Bubba and his crew are raising some money for a charity. He said there's also a charity event for Blue Iris and her family.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview and went through the list of things that they were going to talk about. The guys ended up talking about Tom Bergeron and his childhood tapes where he interviewed Moe and Larry. Howard said he told Tim he wants to make that special happen where they air those tapes.
Howard got Mutt on the phone to promote his Superfan Roundtable show that's on at 7pm on Howard 101. Mutt said they're going to talk about John the Stutterer and Sean the high talker. Howard said they're going to be doing a show together too. Mutt said they're also going to talk about what happened yesterday with Artie and the news and Robin and the news. Mutt said they're also going to talk about JD and all of his issues as well.
Robin started her news with a story about the new Star Trek movie. She said that Fandango.com are saying that the ticket sales are mostly for that movie this weekend and may of the showings are already sold out. Howard said he's predicted that this movie is going to be huge for JJ Abrams.
Howard said the Star Trek people sent a green girl down there for them but he wasn't able to get her on the air this morning. Howard said she brought breakfast down there for them. Howard said he wants to show the movie company that he's not that easy. Artie said they must have spent like 40 bucks on that make up. Howard said he heard it was pretty bad.
Howard said he thought that Leonard Nimoy was going to be bad in the movie but it was integrated into the movie very well.
Ralph called in and said that he thought that Nimoy was going to be a cameo but it turned out to be a major part of the show. Ralph said the movie gave the TV show much more depth and he had to go back and watch the shows.
Howard said that Onion bit about the movie was really funny. He said in one scene they show Shatner fighting a guy in a horrible lizard outfit and it was so fake. Howard said it was great.
Robin had some audio of Eric Bana talking about being in the new Star Trek. Howard said he plays a Romulen in the movie. Howard said the Klingons weren't the first alien race to fight with the Enterprise crew. Howard said he knew that and was proud of it when Pat Minokia asked him about it. Howard said he just realized what an asshole he was for knowing that stuff.
The guys ended up talking about Dancing with the Stars again during the news. Howard said he would love to see the Octomom, Amy Fisher, Tanya Harding and people like that on the show. Artie said he wants to see Amy Fisher's husband Lou on that show. Howard said he might not be funny if he can't say ''pussy'' on that show. Artie said they could just bleep it out.
Robin read some news about the woman who had a face transplant recently. Robin had some audio of the woman talking about what had happened to her when her husband shot her in the face. Howard joked that she was the new announcer for the Tonight Show. Artie did an impression of what that might sound like after hearing the audio of the woman just minutes before.
Artie was also saying that the hiring of Stuttering John on the Tonight Show was one of the strangest hires in show business history. He said he's glad that John got the job but that was very odd. Howard agreed with him on that.
Robin read a story about a dog who fought off a mountain lion to keep the owners safe. Now they're saying that the dog may have started the fight and didn't save the owners. The dog actually picked on the wrong animal. Artie said he believes that every heroic dog story is made up by the dog's owners.
Robin brought up the show ''John and Kate Plus 8'' and how they're the most popular show on TLC. Now there are reports that John is running around with another woman. Robin said that they've had to fend off rumors about him doing this. The woman's brother is saying that they are in a relationship and John has been coming after her relentlessly.
Robin read a story about a study that was done that found that people don't like looking 25 or older. Robin said that most people don't want to look their age. A lot of people think they have accomplished that. Howard said it's really scary when you run into people you went to school with and they look really old. He said he can't possibly look that old himself. Howard said he sees some of the women he went out with when he was young and he sees that no one takes care of themselves.
Robin said she saw a guy she was in the army with and the guy had grey hair and looked like he could be her father, to her.
Artie said he got to see some of the hot chicks he went to school with and they're all 40 now and he just wondered what the fuck happened.
Howard took a call from a guy who gave him a ''Love, Marry, Kill'' of A good night's sleep, a blow job or a good shit. Howard said a good nights' sleep is the best. He said the blow job is next and then the good shit. Artie said he found that interesting. Howard said that Artie has done all three at once.
Artie said he had the worst sleep last night and he would have given anything to get that sleep last night. Howard said Beth has taught him how to sleep in on weekends. Howard said they go to bed around 9 and get up at 5. He said they go back to bed after eating breakfast and sleeps a few more hours and feels awesome when he gets up. He told Robin she'd feel like a million bucks.
Robin said she napped once recently and felt great when she woke up. Artie said he did that while he was driving.
Robin had some audio of a 911 call where a girl cursed and the operator hung up on her. Howard played that call. The operator told her not to swear over 911 and when she cursed again the guy hung up on her. Howard said he could see that if someone called from Popeye's telling them there was no chicken. Robin said the woman got into a shouting match with the operator. The guy hung up on her again after cursing himself. Artie said that guy has to be fired immediately. He said that's not a good guy to be doing that job. Howard said he may be a little too sensitive. Robin said the guy got 2 weeks suspension and has to go to anger management classes.
Howard wondered why it was that he always hates the hosts of the Tonight Show. He doesn't hate Conan but he hates Jay Leno, Johnny Carson, Jack Parr and Steve Allen. Howard said that he's not sure why that is and he hopes that he doesn't screw things up with Conan. Artie said Conan should keep it cool. Howard talked about what a dick Johnny Carson was the way he treated comics on the show.
Robin had a list of ''hot mom's'' to go through. She had Pamela Anderson on the list. Howard said of course she's on that list. Howard said he wishes he had a mom like that. He said he can imagine having sexual feelings for her if that was his mom. Robin said he wouldn't have had thoughts like that. Artie said he has a hot sister and he just thinks it's gross to think about having sex with her. Howard wondered if those kids of Pam and Tommy Lee's are ever going to be normal.
Robin read more names on the list that came from Match.com. Robin said that Sharon Stone, Kate Hudson, Reese Witherspoon and Denise Richards are on the list as well. There were a bunch of others on that list as well. Howard said that Sheryl Crow was on the list and her kid is adopted so that doesn't count. Robin said Sharon Stone didn't have her kids either.
Robin said that Paula Abdul claims that she's beaten her addition to pain killers that she had for 12 years. Robin said she's surprised about that since Paula has been claiming that she wasn't on anything. Artie said that he and Paula both weren't on anything. Artie started laughing his ass off while he was joking about that. He joked about how he doesn't even have a phone right now and he may be getting one next week.
Howard said that it would be funny if Artie's mother and sister followed him around in a van with spy stuff. Artie said that he might even be able to go out on a date soon with a girl. His mother and sister are watching him carefully though. He said the girls have to be tested before he can go out with them.
Robin said Paula Abdul has said she has a patch she wears to administer her drugs. JD came in after that and said that he had some John Mayer girlfriend interview for Howard to play. JD said this girl says ''like'' a lot in the clip. Artie asked if she says it as much as JD says ''you know.''
Howard played the clip of this woman talking about John Mayer and how much she loves his personality and how funny he is. She was going on and on with a lot of ''like'' in there. Artie said that Norm was wrong, women can be funny. Artie asked what the hell she was talking about.
Robin had a story about a guy who had penis enlargement surgery and went back a month later saying he was too big and wanted it reduced. Women were complaining about it being too big.
Robin had a story about it being National prayer day today. She also had a story about Kiefer Sutherland self destructing again. She said that Kiefer is in trouble for head butting a designer at a fashion show the other day. Howard said he heard the story and the guy had apparently banged into Brooke Shields and Kiefer head butted the guy but Brooke is saying that she didn't get bumped into and had nothing to do with what Kiefer did.
Robin said Kirstie Alley has admitted that she has gained 83 pounds and she's up over 228 pounds. She was down to 145 pounds a few years ago. Howard said that's not really news. He said she didn't even give herself time to get hot. He figured she must be really whacked. Robin said she's vowing to get back on track again and to get a trainer and get into a tri-athalon. Howard said she can't do anything normal.
Robin read about a judge who froze the assets of the woman whose chimpanzee attacked a woman. She said that they're going to be suing her for $50 million and they need every penny they can get to take care of that woman who was attacked. The woman who was attacked is able to sit up and communicate with her brother now.
Robin had some American Idol news and audio clips that she went through as well. Howard said he voted for that chick that got voted off. He was kind of upset that she lost.
Robin mentioned that Slash was a guest on the show the other night. Artie called him a fag when he heard that. Robin had some audio of him talking to Ryan Seacrest. Robin asked if Slash was wearing his top hat. Howard said he had a cap on but it wasn't a top hat.
Robin said that Paula Abdul performed a song on the show too. Howard said it was probably lip synced. Robin had him play the audio and it had to have been lip synced. Howard said they couldn't put any more effects on her voice.
Robin had some audio of some of the performances from last night's show to play. Artie was making fun of them of course.
Robin talked about Dancing with the Stars a little bit as well. Howard said he had stopped watching that show for a while but he went back and watched some since Tom Bergeron was on the show.
Robin said that there's a new movie out that Tom hanks is in. She had some audio of Ron Howard talking about working with Tom Hanks on the movie. Howard let that play through a little bit. He said that Ron is going to be on the show next week actually. He said that Tom Hanks apparently wants nothing to do with the show. Howard said the way Ron talked about Tom makes it sound like he has a self-wiping asshole.
Robin wrapped up and ended her news after reading about Jon Favreau's twitter about Scarlet Johansson being on the set of his latest movie. They ended the show around 11:05am.
Gary said Howard always wanted that Hollywood Squares gig. He said that they only have to shoot for 2 days and they have 2 weeks worth of shows done.
Gary said the story that Tom told about calling Moe and Larry was great. Jon said that they were all envious of him for pulling that off. Gary said they're going to make a special with those tapes if Tom can find them.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Tom talking about how he got Moe's number from Larry Fine. After playing that clip Jon asked Will what else they learned about Tom. Will said Tom used to be a mime. He said the guy has lots of reasons to be happy because of all of the shows he's working on. Gary said Tom is always willing to help them out when they ask him too.
Jon said Tom is a really nice guy and very easy to work with. He asked Gary how rough it was for him to deal with Artie's Mike Tyson. Gary said it must be tough and he's sure that ABC must not want to hear some of that stuff.
Jon said Tom didn't answer questions about his sex life but he deflected them in a way that you didn't get pissed at him. Sometimes Howard will stick with it and hound people about it. Jon said he didn't do that. Gary said it might have been because he was rolling with the whole Mike Tyson thing.
Benjy said he has the feeling that Tom might be too nice and he might be the kind of guy they'll find out was killing neighborhood pets and burying them in his yard.
Gary said Tom lives in the same neighborhood as he does and Tom has done some really cool things for kids in the area and things like that. He said the guy is a really nice guy.
Benjy said he likes Tom because he's from Haverhill, Massachusetts and he's real. No one got the joke. Benjy was referring to the woman who was on the show begging people to give her a chance because she was ''real.'' She was also from Haverhill, Mass. Jon quickly moved on.
Jon talked about Dancing with the Stars and some of the stuff that Howard and Tom talked about during the interview. They talked about how busy Tom and how he commutes from Connecticut to Los Angeles.
Gary said he did one Hollywood Squares show and talked about how bored he got just sitting there for hours. He said he was irritated by one guy on the show and he went out of his way to bluff the contestant. Gary said he did that on purpose and the guy ended up losing that round because of the answer he gave.
Gary talked about doing the Hollywood Squares thing and he had to do this dancing thing in front of a green screen. He refused to dance because Nicole Sullivan told him he'd look like a douche if he did. He said that was the best advice he could have gotten.
Jon took a call from a guy who gave Gary some advice on his acid reflux and told him it's probably chocolate. Gary said it can be anything with him and not just chocolate. Another caller asked Gary if Tom ''gets'' the show. Gary said he does.
Jon asked the caller if he thinks that Scott DePace is the most homophobic on the show. The caller said it's a close tie between him and Artie. He said that guys who are like that often have hidden issues in their life. He said it might be something about molestation or something like that.
Gary said he thinks that Scott is the most homophobic on the show. Artie just grew up in an area where that was the norm. He said that doesn't make it right though. Gary said guys like Scott all think that gay guys want to have sex with them and that's not what it's like.
Jon asked Benjy if he thinks that DePace is the most homophobic. Benjy said he might be the most vocal. Gary asked Benjy if he has ever had a gay experience. Benjy said he hasn't. He said he doesn't think he's homophobic but that stuff does gross him out. He said he's had guys in the room watching him having sex with a woman and he doesn't think that's gay. Gary has even been in the room while he's had a sexual experience.
Doug Goodstein came in to talk about Scott showing him the tick bite he had. Doug talked about the tighty whiteys that he was wearing and how he had pubes hanging out the side. He said it was very disturbing.
Another gay guy called in and said that the term ''faggot'' doesn't bother him at all. He said there is a difference between that and a gay male. He said that a faggot is a guy who craves the attention acting like a woman. The guy said that he doesn't act like that and he's in the military.
The caller was saying that you'd never know he's gay because he does that stuff behind closed doors. He said he doesn't have to wear his sexuality on his sleeve. They had to take a break a short time later.
Benjy asked Scott if he would abort his son if he knew that the kid was going to grow up gay. Scott said that he knows they want to hear him say yes so he'll say yes. Jon wanted him to be honest and not just tell them what they want to hear.
They asked him about taking his son out golfing if he was gay. Scott was saying that he doesn't think that any male golfer would be gay. He figures that the chances of a golfer being gay like that is rare. Gary said he can't possibly believe that. Scott said the chances have to be lower for a game like that.
Gary said that there are people who come on the show who are obviously gay but there are others who aren't obvious. He said that there has to be gay guys playing golf. Scott said he would think that most gay guys would be involved in the arts and not in golf. He said he wasn't saying that there are no gay golfers at all. He said he just doesn't think he'd be playing golf with a gay son.
Jon asked Scott if he thinks that Doug was over dramatizing the discussion about the tick bite. Scott said he had underwear on and he wasn't showing his balls. He was asking Doug about what he thought about the bite.
Gary asked Scott why hey picked Doug. Scott said Doug was right there and no one else was around. He just grabbed him because he was there.
Ralph called in and told Scott he's not only homophobic but he's dumb. He said he should have said that he wouldn't abort his kid if it was gay. Scott said he's not that dumb. Ralph didn't understand him and said that he should just admit he's homophobic.
Scott said there are others there who are homophobic. He and Ralph argued about the golf thing for a short time. Jon let the guys go a short time later so he could move on.
Jon asked Benjy what it was that Norm spit out on the floor. Benjy said it was exactly what they thought it was. He spit out a loogie. Doug said it came out of his nose and mouth and it was just gross.
The guys were talking about how Norm and Artie were talking about how women can't be that funny but they did mention a few who were. Will said that Lisa Lampanelli was left off the list.
Benjy said that it seemed like Artie was really comfortable with Norm today and the first time he was ever on the show was with Norm so they work together really well.
A caller said he hopes that Artie can clean up his act because he really is a great entertainer. He said he hopes that he can hold to it.
Gary said he liked it when Norm said that Artie is funnier when he's sober. He said that probably meant a lot to Artie.
Jon asked if they thought it was surprising that Artie and Lisa G made up so easily. Gary said that's the way Artie is and he does get remorseful. He said he doesn't want to be that person so he apologized.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up an obscure reference that Norm made today. He said that shows how great Norm is and how funny he can be. He said it was good to see.
Jeff the Drunk also called in and threw out some weird reference to Scott DePace and Will. He also wished Gary luck with the pitch he's throwing out tomorrow. Gary said you can find out more at BabaBooey.com. They had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 12:15pm.