|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Then Jimmy Kimmel came on and said he'd be sharing some of his favorite moments from the show. He talked about listening to the show since he was about 13 and how he used to listen to the tapes he'd get over and over again. Jimmy talked about some of the memorable bits that he remembered hearing as a kid. He talked about the ''Hill Street Jews'' bit and things like that.
Jimmy also talked about his own appearances on the show and how great he thinks he is when he is on. Jimmy sat in one day when Christopher Reeve's wife Dana visited the show. He said this is one of those interviews where it didn't pay to have a good sense of humor. He said Dana came in and Howard immediately started asking about personal things. He said he could explain the whole thing to us but luckily they had the tape to play. They played that interview from January 15, 2002. Here's what I had in my archives from that day:
Dana Reeve Comes In. 1/15/02. 7:55am
Dana Reeve, Christopher Reeve's wife, came in to talk to Howard about an upcoming celebrity hockey game that she's involved with. It's the same one Gary has played at in the past and will be playing at this Saturday at 7pm at Madison Square Garden.
Howard spoke to Dana about her husband's accident and whether or not Chris would let Howard bang her. Dana told Howard that she listens to his show every day and she's a fan. She said they don't have E! out where they live so she doesn't watch the TV show.
Howard told Dana that she thinks that the doctors who saved Christopher are ''ghouls.'' Jimmy Kimmel joked that she should kill Chris herself. Yesterday Howard was discussing an article that he read about how most guys will leave their wives if they get cancer. He asked Dana if she thinks Chris would have left her if she was the one who had a life threatening disease. Dana said she hopes he wouldn't. She told Howard she's happy to have Chris around but she told him it was up to him if he wanted to stick around. She said she took care of him for the first year or so after his accident but she wasn't able to keep doing that so they have a staff of people to take care of him now.
Howard asked Dana if they killed the horse that threw Chris off. Dana said the horse is still alive and well and it actually got them a million bucks. Dana said a woman donated $1 million to them because they kept the horse alive.
Howard asked if it would be the lowest thing to try and seduce her. He asked Dana if Chris told her it was okay, would she have sex with him. She said if Chris wanted that she'd do it. She doesn't think that's what he wants though. She claims that they still have sex. She said that Chris can still get an erection at ''odd times'' but they can still get it on. At one point Jimmy just blurted out ''So what do you hop on top?''
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Dana about the upcoming hockey game and some of the celebrities that will be playing. They include people like Matthew Modine, Susan Sarandon, Chris Jericho, Rick Moranis, Stephen Baldwin and of course Gary Dell'Abate. Last year Dana sang the National Anthem and Gary ran into her later in the evening. He asked her what she does for the charity foundation that they were playing for... He had no clue that it was Christopher Reeve's wife so he sort of made a fool out of himself. She'll be singing again this year.
After Dana left Howard and Jimmy talked about how hot she was. Jimmy said he thinks she came in looking for sex because of what she was wearing. They said she's an amazing woman. A paralyzed phone caller agreed. He told Howard he met her and she was really nice. The caller said that he can still get it up himself but he doesn't feel anything so he can't complete the act.
Lisa G's Howard 100 News Preview, Sal Wants A ''Traction.'' 09/27/07. 7:15am
Lisa said that Jason and Will have another story about Sal enrolling in acting classes. Howard said that he was listening to Sal on the Wrap Up Show and he really comes across as an idiot. He explained the story that Jason had told on this Page 69 report and Sal was so dumb that he was both denying and confirming the story that Jason had told. He said that Sal doesn't even know that he's doing it.
Howard played some audio of Sal explaining what he did and he was going around in circles explaining what he had done and trying to defend himself against what Jason had said about him. He said he was trying to find Seth McFarlane's e-mail address but didn't tell Jason he had to give it to him. Artie said that Sal was basically just admitting to have done what they accused him of doing but also saying he didn't do it.
Howard said that Seth McFarlane isn't going to pay any attention to an e-mail from Sal unless he mentions he's from the Howard Stern Show. Artie said that the whole thing was really weird. He said that Sal trying to get a job on Entourage was weird because he just wanted to teach him a lesson.
Howard heard that Sal and Richard were arguing over the leaking of the acting class story. He said they were fighting out there in the studio. Richard came in and said that he thought it was funny that Sal was taking acting classes. Sal said that he told Richard that story in confidence and that's what upset him. Richard said that Sal had a consultation and the woman in the class didn't want her name mentioned. She was Jackie's acting teacher according to Sal. He said that he thinks he's going to quit today. That led to the guys doing impressions of Jackie and goofing on his acting abilities.
Sal said he feels like such a douche now that all of this stuff has come out. Howard told him that's because he is a douche. Richard said that Sal gave him permission to tell this story. Sal denied doing that. Howard said that Sal had asked for them to do a ''traction'' on the story from Page 69 yesterday. Howard had him repeating the ''traction'' thing over and over again while Artie laughed at his comments. Sal said he wants Jason to go on the air and give a traction for the story. Howard kept him going on that and Jason came in and told him that they have a ''no traction'' policy for Page 69. Sal said that he had plenty of traction on the show. Artie said that this is becoming a classic bit right now.
Howard kept asking Sal about the traction thing and Sal didn't get that he was being goofed on. He was talking to Howard as if it was a real term. Artie kept laughing whenever Sal would say the word and he still didn't get that he wasn't using the right word. Howard and Artie were both laughing and asked Richard if he even knows why this is funny. Sal was about to walk out of the studio because he thought they were goofing on him about something else. He still didn't know it was the ''traction'' thing.
Richard said that maybe he was wrong for doing this to Sal and maybe he should give him some ''traction.'' Howard asked Sal if he wants Jason to come in and give him some ''traction.'' Sal kept using the term over and over again so Howard asked him if he went to college. He said he went to Suffolk Community for a year. Artie said that this is even better than KC's ''Serenading meat'' segment. Sal still didn't get it even after all of the goofing. Artie told him that he was part of maybe one of the funniest bits on the show. He still didn't grasp the whole idea that he was being goofed on over the traction thing.
Richard told Sal that he's going to give a traction for him. Sal said that he's never going to ask for stupid shit like that again. Richard knew why this was so funny and brought up the traction thing himself. Artie told Sal that it's not ''attraction, it's traction'' so Sal was saying it as ''traction''' and assuming that Howard was going to goof on the way he was saying the word.
Howard asked Sal if he wants traction or not. Sal said he doesn't want any traction from Jason or from anyone else. He said he doesn't need one from the NY Times or anyone else. Jason said that he's going to give Sal his traction today. Howard wanted the fans to all agree that they were never going to tell Sal what was so funny about this segment. Sal said that he doesn't want a traction from anyone and that's it. That was the end of that.
Richard said that he was insulted that they had to ask him if he knew what was going on. Artie said that this should be the final segment of the show forever. He said that they should just end the show and Howard's career right now because it can't get better than this. A phone caller told Sal that snow tires are what give traction, not a radio show. A couple of callers said that this was the best Sal segment ever. Howard agreed. He had to go to break a short time later.
Richard Simmons Visits. 04/13/1992.
Howard had Richard come in and it was shortly after Sam Kinison had died so they spent a little time talking about that. Then Richard handed him a note saying that he didn't want to talk about a few things. Howard read the list of things Richard didn't want to talk about even though Richard didn't want him to talk about that stuff.
Richard went over and gave Jackie a kiss and Jackie complained that he was French kissing him and that he had been drowning in perfume.
Howard said Richard promised not to wear perfume. He said he was over at his house and he promised some stuff to him. Richard then handed him a note about the stuff that he would be willing to talk about. Howard then went right into the stuff Richard didn't want to talk about. Richard cut him off and said he promised not to talk about that stuff. Howard said he never promised.
Howard talked about some of the discussions he and Richard had at his house and Richard was complaining about a lot of stuff. That led to him wondering if he was going to be the only one left in his will. Richard said he actually is leaving Howard and his family some things in his will.
Howard talked about Richard hanging out with his parents and some of the stuff they talked about. Howard also talked about how Richard must shave his legs because they look so shiny in his latest Sweating to the Oldies tape. Howard said he told Richard he thought his legs looked good. Richard said he told him they looked ''oily.''
Richard took Howard's watch and wouldn't give it back to him. He asked Howard if he was going to take him to FAO Schwartz like he promised. Howard said he doesn't have time to do that. He said he's very busy. Howard said he has meetings and things to do today. Then he found out he didn't have any client meetings.
Howard asked Richard how many total vaginas he's seen. Richard didn't want to answer that. Richard said he has seen at least one. He said he had seen Robin's but Robin said he didn't see anything. Howard tried to find out how many he had seen nude but Richard wasn't answering.
Richard demanded to talk to Howard's mother so Howard tried to call them. Howard attempted to call but he got a busy signal. Howard told Richard he had a very busy schedule today. He said he gets off the air around 10 and he can leave around 10:30. He has a TV meeting though so he can't spend time with him. He said he can spend maybe an hour with him total. Howard said he'll go to FAO Schwartz and buy him one toy. Richard wanted more but Howard didn't have time.
Richard wanted to buy more than one toy but Howard wanted to just do one. Richard sounded like a little kid wanting to buy a bunch of toys. He said he wanted to spend about 5 grand in there. They went to break after that.
Richard Simmons Visits. 07/02/1992.
Howard had Richard Simmons come in and he went right over to Robin and kissed her hello. Howard said Gary was going to be getting married soon. Richard came into the studio and started to say hello to everyone. Howard said he smelled bad today too.
Howard had Gary on the phone because he was getting married the next day. Howard picked up on him and asked what he wanted. Gary said he wanted to talk to Howard off the air actually.
Richard was singing to Gary about his wedding day coming up so Howard had to shut him up. He tried to goof on Richard with some gay audio clips but Richard ended up going off on him about how he had broken his confidence. Howard didn't know what he was talking about and Richard said Gary knew but wouldn't say it himself.
Howard said he never broke a confidence. Richard said he did but wouldn't say what it was. He just kept going off on Howard for doing whatever it was that he did.
Howard asked Richard who the woman was with him today and if her name was ''Neil.'' That pissed Richard off and he asked why he has to make those remarks every time. Richard then told Howard that he's going to get married at Gary's wedding.
Gary told Howard that Richard had gotten him a Marvin the Martian cartoon cell as a gift. Howard asked how much he spent on that. Richard said Howard only worries about money and didn't answer. That led to Howard talking about how he was going to give him a $1,500 gift but then thought about how little Gary does around there and said that might be too much.
Howard let Gary go and said that Stuttering John is going to be playing guitar with a black choir there at the wedding tomorrow. Howard had some audio of what that was going to sound like. Howard said it was the tackiest thing he's ever heard.
Howard asked Richard who the woman was that he had there. Richard said her name was Lynn but Howard thought he was saying ''Len.'' Richard said that he'd leave if Howard wanted to talk to her alone. Howard told him not to go anywhere. He told him to stick around.
Howard had the guys bring in the woman and when she came in Richard's partner Ed came in and played ''Len'' for a few minutes. Howard asked ''Len'' if he wanted to marry Richard. Ed said he did want to marry him. Richard told Ed to get out of there. Howard told him he thought he was a very nice girl and he thinks that he and Richard will be very happy together. Richard said Ed is married with two kids.
Howard asked Lynn if she was really marrying Richard. She said she is. Howard wanted to see the two of them kiss to prove they were in love. Richard didn't want to do it. Howard said he'd kiss her. Howard said he heard that Lynn is married and told her to swear to god that she's not. She wouldn't do it. Howard said she's a married woman who is just posing as this friend of Richard's.
Howard asked to see them kiss again and they finally did. Richard and Lynn kissed but Robin said it was acting. Jackie said it was a soap opera kiss. Howard asked Richard if he has ever had sex with a girl. Richard asked Lynn to answer. She said she hopes it's just with one girl.
Howard asked Lynn to come over to him so he could give her a hug. He said he was going to show Richard how to handle this woman. Lynn went over and Howard gave her a hug. He kissed her neck and said that she loves being turned on by a man. Richard was yelling at him to stop it. Howard said it was Lynn who wasn't stopping. Howard said he got to third base with her.
Howard and Richard talked about Gary's upcoming wedding and how they were going to be sitting at the same table there.
Richard asked for a kiss from Howard too. He didn't give it up easy but did give in eventually. Richard said he'd be seeing him at the wedding the next day. Lynn was sitting on Howard's lap so Howard got some more kisses from her and said his goodbye to her. They left a short time later.
Howard And Gilbert Goof On Abe Hirschfeld. 2/5/03. 9:15am
Back in August of 2001 Abe Hirschfeld called in to talk to Howard about being in jail. Gilbert Gottfried was in then and ended up goofing on Abe's accent and had him repeating stuff that they pretended not to hear. Well, they did the same thing today. Howard got Hirschfeld on the phone and asked him a couple of quick questions about going to prison for a while. Howard said he was going to try and kill his partner or something like that. He asked Abe if he killed him and Abe said that the guy died before he could kill him. Hirschfeld claims that he never intended to kill the guy. Howard asked him how old he was and found out he's 84. Abe said he has a diet that will allow people to eat whatever they want and not gain any weight. Howard introduced Gilbert and told him he was going to sing a blessing before they spoke anymore. Gilbert then went into one of his Jewish songs that seemed to never end. Abe said the way he sang it made it sound like Hip-Hop. Howard got back to Abe and asked him some questions about the money he's worth. He went through some of the stuff he's been working on and asked him why he doesn't rest. Abe said he likes to do good things for the public. Gilbert interrupted him and started doing an impression of Abe as he would sound if he was Dracula.
Abe started to talk about some of the problems we have in this world. He said he wants to stop the many divorces we have. He said he's been married 60 years now. He said he was going to tell people how to have a good marriage. He went on to tell a joke that didn't make much sense. It was about a 10 year old boy asking his mother how old she is and how much she weighs. She tells him that it's not polite to ask stuff like that. He also asks the mother why she's divorced. She won't tell him so he finds her license and it says she's 35 years old, weighs 120 pounds and it says she got an ''F'' for Sex, that's why she got the divorce. Howard and Gilbert then proceeded to have Abe repeat that joke over and over and over again. They kept telling him they missed part of the joke or they just didn't get it. Abe would tell it over and over again while Howard, Artie and Gilbert laughed hysterically. Howard had the microphones down so Abe couldn't hear them. Howard asked Abe what the whole joke meant because he didn't really get it. He finally asked about it after Abe told the joke about 5 times. Gilbert told Abe that he didn't hear all of the joke so he asked him to tell it once again. Howard said he couldn't take it anymore. Howard said he'd love to meet this guy. He used to hang out with President Kennedy and now he's getting dicked around by Gilbert. Gilbert had him repeat the joke again when he said they wanted to record it. Howard and the guys continued to laugh as he told the joke for the tenth time. Howard said he wasn't even sure what Hirschfeld was calling in for.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she hasn't laughed that hard in a long time. Abe started to tell another story about ''Babahah Walters'' so Gilbert picked up on that and goofed on him some more. He started to tell another joke about Barbara Walters and President Clinton so they had him repeating that over and over again before he even finished it. Abe told Howard that he composed these jokes while he was in prison for 2 years. Howard and Gilbert continued to goof on the poor guy for a few minutes. Abe never did get around to plugging what he wanted to talk about. Gilbert asked him to tell his 10 year old boy joke again so Abe said he was going to start charging for it. He went ahead and told it again though. Howard told Mr. Hirschfeld that he would talk to him about the diet and his plans for the World Trade Center at a future date. Hirschfeld said he had to plug something and started talking about the divorce thing again. Gilbert kept goofing on his accent though. Abe told one last joke as Howard was trying to wrap up the call and it just wasn't working. Howard finally got him off the phone. Gilbert goofed on him a little bit more before Howard took his break. Gilbert hung around for Robin's news.
Tenth Anniversary Of Maury's Infamous OJ Simpson Prank Call. 06/17/04. 6:35am
After the break Howard said he ran into Warner Wolf (a local Sportscaster) on the street the other day. He said he asked him about not being on the local CBS station anymore. Wolf told him that he still wants to do it but didn't talk about why he's not on the station anymore. Howard talked about how great this guy was and how he would recap the sports news brilliantly. The guys said that Warner coined the phrase ''Let's go to the video tape.''
Howard said that today was the 10th anniversary of the prank call that was made to ABC about the OJ Simpson chase after his wife was murdered. This guy Maury made the phone call so Howard had him on the line to talk about it. Howard talked about the day he made that call and what happened. There was a basketball game on that night and for some reason, they had to split screen so they could watch the car chase with OJ Simpson. Maury called into the local station and got through no problem.
Howard believes that Maury has been ruined by this whole thing though. He said that Maury has been calling in trying to get on the show with his impressions and dialects and stuff but he can't top that call he made. He set the bar so high that he doesn't want to compete with himself. He doesn't think that someone like Captain Janks calls in to shows that have no screening process and just says Howard's name, it's not like he's worked his way through a major system. Janks was on the line and defended himself against those claims. He said that he wasn't around the phone that day and he was actually very impressed by Maury's call that day. Howard said that Maury believes that he couldn't top himself after that call so he just stopped making them.
Maury said that Janks makes up for not having very creative calls with quantity. He then asked Janks to get off the line because this was his time. Howard let Janks go a short time later and then played the infamous call that Maury made to ABC 10 years ago today. This is the call where he claims to be watching OJ from next door while doing the worst impression of a black man you've ever heard. He gives Peter Jennings a ''...and Baba Booey to y'all'' as he's getting off the line. Then Al Michaels breaks in and lets Jennings know that it was a prank call.
Maury couldn't believe that they didn't cut him off after the first 3 seconds doing the impression he was doing. He said that he called up and pretended to be a reporter with a live feed from the location and made them rush to put him on the air.
Joey Boots called in and gave Maury props on that prank call because it was his favorite of all time. Howard had to wrap up after that so Maury asked if he could try out for a job there at the show and he wanted to have a phony phone call challenge with anyone Howard wants. He also wants to do impressions against anyone Howard wants. Howard thanked him for that and let him go. Maury gave him another ''...and Baba Booey to y'all'' as he was signing off.
Artie thought that a phony phone call competition would be pretty good. They could get people like Jim Florentine, Benjy and Kumal from the Jerky Boys to make prank calls. Howard didn't seem as into it as Artie was though.
In the clip from the CD set we hear Howard, Gary and Fred talking about this argument Howard had with Ed Levine and that led right into the clip.
Howard and Ed were arguing about the ratings of Howard's show and Ed's radio station. Ed was bragging that he was driving a Porsche and Howard wasn't. Ed went on to challenge Howard with some nonsense and said that he thinks people want to hear something other than what Howard is doing on radio. Howard told the guy to bet him $10,000 that he wasn't being beaten by this guy out on Long Island.
Ed told Howard he lives in a sweat sewer city and goofed on him about that and the kind of car he has. Howard then started to go off on Ed telling him he wanted his balls in his mouth. Howard told him he's going to rot in Albany and he'll never be anything. He repeated the balls in his mouth thing a few times.
Eric The Midget May Fly With Balloons. 06/27/06. 9:30am
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone to give him some big news. He said he still thinks that the balloon thing is going to happen but Eric said it won't. Howard said he got a note from this chick who looks kind of like Kelly Ripa who says that she's willing to be part of Eric's entourage when he comes on the show. Howard told Eric that she didn't say she would definitely have sex, but she will go out on a date with him and see what happens from there. Howard said he's going to send Eric the pictures of the chick and hook her up with him... if he flies with balloons.
Howard gave the pictures to Benjy to give Eric the word on her. Benjy is on Eric's good side. He told Eric that she's a very good looking girl so Howard asked Eric if they had his interest now. Eric said ''Maybe...'' Then he said that if they put that cartoon up on his Howard TV channel, then there's no way he's going to fly. Howard said he's putting the cartoon up there and he can't stop him.
Howard told Eric to check his e-mail while he was talking to him to find out what he thinks of this girl. Eric told him to hang on and he'd check. Howard said the woman isn't opposed to going out with someone who has a handicap so who knows what could happen.
Eric said he had to log on to AOL to check his mail. He got on and said that she is pretty good looking. Howard said the girl is willing to go out with him so he should go ahead and fly with balloons. Eric said he's still not willing to do it. He doesn't care that he's not going to meet this girl.
Howard was going to put the girl on the phone with Eric if he wanted to do that. Eric said he might be willing to do that. While they were waiting Eric was telling Howard that when he first agreed to do the flying it was low key, then it got blown out of proportion and they were talking about putting him in a Superman outfit and things like that. Howard said he doesn't have to wear that if he doesn't want to.
Gary said the other thing that Eric is afraid of is that he might not get into the Little People of America group. Howard said he doesn't need that group anyway. Howard did an impression of Eric and pretended to be another little person who was in the group.
Howard asked Gary what was going on with the girl. Gary said they couldn't get a hold of her. Howard told Eric they'd talk to him tomorrow. Gary told Howard they had a new Eric the Midget song parody. Howard played that one and it was to the tune of Sugar Ray's ''I Just Want to Fly.'' Eric said that Sugar Ray's version was better.
Gary interrupted and said they got the girl on the line right before Howard let him go. Howard told Eric to hold on while they get her ready to come on the air. Howard told Eric that it was tough to find a girl who didn't find him repulsive. Eric said he's not sure why Beth O doesn't find him repulsive.
Howard had this woman Valerie on the phone. He asked her to tell them about herself. She said that she's 27 , an ex-Hooters girl and she's in law school right now. She said she actually looks much better now than she did when those pictures were taken. She asked Eric if he was going to come hang out with her. He said that he would like to hang out with her but the flying with balloons thing is something he wouldn't want to do.
Howard asked Valerie if she would really go out with him. She said she would take him out dancing and party with him if he wants. She would treat him like a king and go on a real date with him. Valerie said she doesn't really have a boyfriend but she has been talking to a guy. She said anything is possible with Eric though and you never know if she'd be attracted to him.
Howard told Eric that he could be like David Blaine doing a stunt with his hot chick girlfriend standing by. Artie said something about him looking like an ''odd looking midget David Blaine'' which didn't go over too well with Eric. He said that's the kind of stuff that makes him not want to do this whole thing. Howard asked Valerie to send them some more pictures so they can see what she looks like today.
Valerie told Eric that bigger is not always better. She said that she takes care of a quadriplegic every day and has to wipe his ass for him. She said she can even lift him up and he weights 185 pounds. Howard asked if he could talk to the quad. She went over to him and held the phone up to him. He's on a ventilator so it sounded tough for him to speak. He was saying that she once blew out his urethra while inserting a tube in there though. He said she's hot and has talked about going out with Eric before.
Howard found out that Valerie actually pulls the doody out of his ass. She said she does that every other day for him. She pulls out the turds one at a time. She said she gets paid upwards of $30 an hour to do that job. Howard told her she's a saint and asked Eric what he thinks. He said it sounds interesting to him but he has to think about it. Howard thinks he's going to fly and he told him he knew that would happen.
Valerie said that he's got to fly when he knows he's got D-cups waiting for him when he lands. She was saying all the right things according to Howard. She was even saying that she might have some girls over once in a while for her man. She revealed that she's completely waxed down below and said she'd even come in and get waxed in the studio if they wanted to see that.
Howard asked Valerie if she's into anal. She said she's not into that and prefers to have it in her mouth or between her tits or in her vagine. Howard said ''Fuck Eric, I'm gonna fly.'' Valerie said she has a flat stomach and said she's not a fan of belly fat. Howard figured he was out then but she said on a man it's okay, just not on a woman.
Howard asked Eric where he was at because he should be pushing him out of the way to get to this chick. Eric didn't have much to say. Howard let Valerie go after that and said that Eric is very intimidated by girls. He told Eric that he'll never have a better offer than this. Eric still has a problem with the balloon thing. He said that he kept quiet because he's not that great of an interviewer and his radio show proved that. Howard told him he's got to have some kind of rap with the girls. He told him to call back tomorrow with his final decision.
Artie said that Eric seems to get depressed when he gets these great offers. Howard went into the ''I Just Want To Fly'' song parody again after letting Eric go. He said a lot of people are sick of Eric but he's pretty sure they'll get over that once he does the flying thing. He played the prank call that they had John Hunnerlach make to Eric the other day.
A phone caller said he couldn't believe that Eric wasn't ready to fly across the country on balloons to go out with that chick. Artie and Robin said that a lot of people want to see him fly. Howard is sure that they will get him to fly.
This was not in my archives. This bit was from December 2, 1992. Here's what I wrote up about the bit when they played it another time with some added details:
Marge was a baseball team owner and Billy West used to do his impression of her on the show pretty often. In the clip Billy, as Marge, was apologizing black people for some comments she made about them. Marge was saying that she was very sorry but throwing out all kinds of racial comments.
Howard did some word association with Marge and every word he threw out she was able to relate to something racial or anti-Semitic.
Howard gave her some baseball word association and Marge had all racist things to say about every word Howard mentioned. Howard was laughing his ass off at some of what Billy was saying.
Howard was going to have Marge apologize to some black people on the phone but Marge was going nuts yelling out racial comments about them and about Asian people among others. Howard asked her to make her apology and Marge went on to talk about some of the blacks that she actually does like. She named a few entertainers that she likes and then threw out the N-word about them.
In this clip, from January 23, 1995, we heard Gary telling Howard that they had a guy on the phone who was upset when he heard the term ''niggergate'' used in a bit they did with Marge Schott. Howard picked up on the guy and the guy asked how he can say the N-word on the air like that. Howard said it was simple and said the word. Howard told the guy he shouldn't jump to conclusions when he hears something on the radio without hearing it in context.
Howard said that was Tyrone... Tyrone Shoes. Howard said he's the most non-racist guy. Howard said he looked up how many black people he had in his local school district and it was .02 percent. Howard said he's not sure how that's possible. Howard said that might mean that there was a black guy whose car was stalled out on his street. Howard said he did live with a lot of black people when he was growing up.
Howard explained why he thinks it's okay to use the N-word in some instances. Billy went into his Marge Schott voice and said that the only people who don't like the use of that word are overly sensitive N-words.
Robin pointed out that everyone on those Def-Jam comedy shows use the N-word so she's not sure why Howard can't use it in comedy.
Howard had Billy do some more material as Marge Scott. Billy threw out some more racist comments and not just N-word jokes.
Gary came back in and told Howard he had a black woman on the phone who wanted to explain the use of the N-word and why he can't use it while black people can. Howard picked up on that woman and she said someone needs to shoot that woman Marge.
The caller said that they don't say the N-word with a hard 'er' at the end. It's 'nigga.' Howard told her that doesn't make a difference. They argued about that for a short time.
Howard had another caller who said she wanted to explain this as well. She was also a black female and said that this is not a joke. Howard said he knows that these words are hurtful and derogatory.
Howard let the caller go and talked about how this stuff would never bother him. He doesn't get why people get so upset about it when they hear these names. Howard said anyone can call him a ''Half Jew Bastard'' whenever they want to. Howard said they were going to take a break from this and try to calm down. Before he could go to break Billy started to throw out some more racist names.
In the clip, from February 2, 1993, we heard Robin reading some news about Marge Scott and Howard asking why she hadn't called in to describe her feelings. He told Gary to get her on the phone. He said he asked him to do that the day before and it didn't happen. Gary came in and said he had Marge on stand by all day yesterday and he told Howard about that. Howard said he never told him. Gary said he was only available until 9:30 and then he had to go. Howard and Gary argued about that for a few minutes. Then Howard said that Gary is making over $100,000 a year but Gary denied that. Howard said he figured it was over 100 but Gary asked him not to do that on the air. He said that's not cool and it's really misinformation. Gary said he doesn't make near 100 grand, it's more like something between 50,000 and 70,000 a year.
Howard said he loves that Baba Booey. He had Billy West on the phone to do his Marge Schott voice. Howard had some phone problems that he had to take care of first. Gary had to call Marge back.
Marge was on the phone so Howard talked to her about her use of the N-word and how she has to learn to temper her conversation. Howard was in the middle of talking about that when her fax machine went off. Howard told Marge that he might be paid too much too. He said if they're going to call her she should turn off her fax machine. Howard said he thinks that they bought her that fax machine with the amount of money they're paying her.
Howard suggested that Marge use words like Nickel instead of the N-word. He had some other suggestions for words she could use instead of racist words to keep her out of trouble. Marge started yelling out a bunch of racist stuff so Howard hung up on her and went to break.
The Iron Sheik Visits. 08/02/07. 8:25am
After the break we heard a prank call that the guys made to Tabitha Stevens using Wood Yi (Steve the Engineer) from K-Rock. Fred also played a ''Who's High Pitch'' song parody. Howard came back a short time later and said that it was time to bring in the Iron Sheik whose clips they have been listening to quite a bit lately. He said that Sheik has been waiting for over an hour out in the green room.
Howard said that on August 10th they have something very big happening. He said that's when Rush Hour 3 is opening. He had to do a commercial in the middle of all of that talk up. He then had the guys bring in The Iron Sheik. Sheik came in and said it was a pleasure to be there today. He thanked Howard for inviting him in. Howard had him put on his headphones so he could hear what was going on and then told him how his grandfather worshiped the Iron Sheik. He said he'd be so proud of him if he knew he got to meet him.
Howard said that this is two legends meeting this morning. Sheik told Howard about this medal he brought in with him. He wanted him to read it so Howard read it and it was something from 1971. He said that he came over to this country back then after being the Shah of Iran's body guard.
Howard asked Sheik who discovered him here in the States. He said it was Vince McMahon. Howard said he thinks that Vince McMahon has forgotten about Sheik and wondered if he's still on the payroll. Sheik told him that's a great question. He then started getting worked up and telling Howard that he sold out shows in Pontiac, Michigan and things like that. Then Howard asked him about Hulk Hogan and why he's still involved with wrestling. Sheik said he should be there right along with Hulk. He said that Hulk was a weight lifter and he told people not to use drugs so he wondered what the fuck he was doing.
Sheik was all over the place talking about the wrestling stuff and calling people fags. He said that Hulk is a fag to him. He said that someone asked him to break Hulk's legs one time but he didn't do it because he's twice the man that he is. He said that he's not jealous of Hulk's money but he does get pissed off when he thinks back to the days when he was acting like a phony. He said that hulk told him he ''owed him one'' one time but never did anything for him.
Howard was trying to get Sheik all worked up asking him why he's not part of the wrestling scene now. He used to be huge in the wrestling scene and now he's been forgotten. Sheik said that's true and went off on Hulk again. He said that he's a gold digger. He explained how he had left the WWE and went to other wrestling leagues.
Howard told Sheik that they found this new guy Iron Sheik Jr. (Artie) so he put him on the mic and let Artie try to get Sheik worked up. Artie did his impression of Sheik and went off on him as if he were the real Sheik. Sheik started to go off on him like battling Sheiks. Artie was talking over him and not letting him get a word in. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. was getting $2 million from Vince McMahon to do his thing. Sheik told Artie to come in and show himself if he's man enough. He told him he was going to fuck his ass and break his back to make him humble.
Sheik told Sheik Jr. That talk is cheap and he should show himself. Howard had to get rid of Artie to calm everyone down. Sheik was out of breath from yelling. He said he was all excited over that and that's why he was all out of breath. Howard told Sheik that Sheik Jr. Had been signed on for $2 million and that was just wrong. Sheik asked for a cold beer and said that the guy got him all excited and if he was there, he'd put him in the camel clutch and fuck him in the ass. He said he'd do that to humble him.
Artie had been out of the studio so when he came back in Howard told Artie what had just gone on. Sheik kind of knew that it was him so he told him he'd fuck his fat ass if he fucked with him. He told him not to fuck with him because he's heard about him. He said that Artie might be bad but he's the master of the bad.
Howard told Sheik that he had Ultimate Warrior live via satellite for him. It was actually Richard Christy doing an impression of Ultimate Warrior. He told Sheik that he'd beat his ass. That got Sheik all worked up again and he was telling Warrior that he was a faggot for shaving his chest. He was ready to wrestle the guy but Howard got rid of him and said ''fuck that guy'' and moved on to the next guy.
Howard said they had Randy ''Macho Man'' Savage live via satellite as well. Sheik went off on him before they even put him up. Sheik called him a cheap, Jew, son of a bitch. Sal was playing the part of Randy and called Sheik some names and told him he was ready to wrestle him. Sheik told him he was a Jew son of a bitch a few times and yelled at him for a couple of minutes. Sal was throwing out as many racist comments as he could. He also whipped out his cock and put it next to a picture of Sheik. That pissed him off even more.
Howard let ''Randy'' go and talked to Sheik about what a great performer he is. Sheik told him he's right and he should have been treated that way. He's broke now though. Howard asked him about Andre the Giant. Sheik said he was a piece of shit too. He went off on him for a short time calling him names and goofing on him.
Anal Ring Toss With Bubba And Iron Sheik. 08/02/07. 8:55am
Howard told Sheik that they were going to play this Anal Ring Toss game. They were going to have this girl come in and stick a stick up her ass and they have to throw rings on her ass. Sheik didn't know what he was talking about so he was going to have to demonstrate it more.
Howard had Bubba the Love Sponge come in because he was going to be playing today. Bubba came in and said that he was hearing all of this bullshit from Sheik and he thinks that he's just a self-promotion machine. He said that Hogan isn't a faggot and he's a very smart man who made a lot of money doing what he did. He started to argue with some of the things that Sheik was claiming and was ready to start wrestling him. Sheik was ready to take him on but Howard told them they weren't going to do that.
Bubba was saying that Sheik never won an Olympic gold medal like he claimed, he had some other kind of gold medal. Bubba was also calling him out on some other things that he claimed. He said that Sheik is just a ''jobber'' and wasn't impressed by that. The two of them went off on each other calling each other names. Sheik was telling Bubba he was a fat, ugly piece of shit... and of course a ''faggot.''
Bubba said he was sorry to Howard but didn't apologize to Sheik at all. Howard wanted to settle everything with Anal Ring Toss. Bubba said that he and Sheik had some good heat going on between them. Howard tried to calm Sheik down and brought in the hot chick that was going to have the stick in her ass.
AJ came in and seemed to calm the savage beast that is Iron Sheik. He stayed calm for about 5 seconds before Howard told him they had The Killer Bees live via satellite. They had Sal and Richard on again trying to get Sheik all riled up again. It worked. They had him yelling at them within seconds. Howard got rid of them and Bubba said that he was going to see them down in Tampa, just to make Sheik even more pissed off.
Howard talked to AJ a little more and said you can find out more about Anal Ring Toss at AnalRingToss.com or buy AJ's movies at ChesterMolestHer.com. He also said that they have Clips4Sale.com as the sponsor of this event.
Howard calmed everyone down in the room and had AJ prepare for the game. She laid down on the floor with the stick up her ass that the guys were going to toss the rings on. AJ was 20 years old and has some porn movies coming out that can be found at the web site Howard mentioned earlier. AJ said she wasn't raped or molested as a child or anything like that. She said her parents aren't too thrilled with what she does for a living though.
Howard had Artie go first. He said that it was much further than it was at K-Rock so it wasn't going to be easy. Artie, the Lord of the Anal Rings, threw his rings and missed all five. Howard asked AJ if she does this stuff much. She said she does it quite a bit at bachelor parties.
Bubba went next and threw his rings. He missed all five and Sheik called him names while he was missing. Sheik was up next. He started throwing his rings and missed all five. Howard asked him what happened there. Sheik said that he'd like to try one more time. Howard said they were going to have another round since no one got any.
Howard had Sheik go first. Sheik had the chance to win $2,500 if he had gotten any on. He had only 3 this time and missed all of them. Bubba was up next. He threw and missed all three as well. AJ was having some trouble staying in position since it was so uncomfortable. Artie went next and missed all three as well.
They had to do yet another round so they moved everyone even closer to AJ. Sheik went first and got all three since he was so close. Howard gave him the prize money since he needed it so much. Howard wanted to end the event but Artie wanted to defend his Lord of the Anal Rings title. He threw his rings and got one of the three on.
AJ was able to remove the stick from her ass so Howard was going to talk to her a little more. He asked her about her movies and found out that her new movie is called ''AJ the SoCal BroHo.'' She explained what that was about and it didn't make a lot of sense. Will told Howard that she wanted to ride the Sybian too. Howard had the guys prepare it so she could take it for a ride. AJ got on and took it for a ride. She was kind of nervous about it. Howard said that this machine is guaranteed to give a woman an orgasm.
Gary started out low and slowly turned up the power. AJ said it felt really good even though it tickled. Gary jacked it up slowly and AJ said she was getting horny. She said that it was pretty cool. Sheik said he was getting horny too. AJ said it still felt pretty good but she wasn't finishing. She told Howard it was crazy. They eventually stopped the machine since she wasn't getting off. She said it felt really good but she didn't have an orgasm.
Howard thanked AJ for coming in and wrapped up with her. He gave her some plugs for the web sites that she was plugging. He also thanked the Iron Sheik for coming in and Bubba as well. He had the two of them shaking hands before they went to break.
Ashlee And Lindsay's Bad Singing Plus Gary The Retard Fight's The Flu. 01/05/05. 7:30am
Howard replayed an audio clip of Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard talking to each other the other day. Wendy has the flu and was puking on the phone. Gary the Retard thought that he could catch the flu over the phone. That led to Richard Christy and Sal the Stockbroker making a prank call to Gary as the flu. Howard played that clip a short time later. Sal told Gary that he was from a phone company and they were trying to track down the flu. He told him to disguise his voice if anyone called. Richard Christy called a short time later as The Flu and Gary answered as a woman. He changed his voice and tried to get away from The Flu. Sal called him back and told him to say ''Shoo, shoo, no retarded flu'' if The Flu called him back. Richard called back and Gary repeated that a few times trying to kill off The Flu. Richard pretended that he was being killed off by those statements. Artie said that it may have been one of the funniest calls he's ever heard.
Stern Show In Las Vegas Day 3. 2/8/02. 8-9am
Howard had one other guest to get to before the Miss Howard Stern thing. Joe Francis, the guy who puts out the ''Girls Gone Wild'' videos, was there to talk to him. Gary told Howard the guy has a private jet because he's made so much money. He was willing to offer the jet to the woman who lost the $100,000 bet yesterday so she could fly wherever she needed to. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about the concept of his videos. It's just regular girls flashing their breasts in the videos. Howard said he's thinking of putting out some tapes of his E! show where the girls take their tops off. Joe said his first video was ''Banned From Television'' which Howard and Robin watched many times. Joe said he also puts out the ''Playboy'' party videos that are advertised on Howard's E! show. You can find out more and order the videos at GirlsGoneWild.com
Howard moved on to the Miss Howard Stern pageant and let Joe Francis hang out to be one of the judges. Howard started off with the first contestant who was 40 year old Robin Melanie Kirkendal (spelled wrong I'm sure). Howard was surprised that a 40 year old would enter the pageant but she thought she could win on talent alone. Howard spoke to her for a few seconds and let her sing ''Hit me with your Best Shot.'' She wasn't that bad but the audience booed her for some reason.
The second contestant was Chris Dyer who came out in a thong bikini. She said she used to be a Hooters girl. Her talent was clogging and duck calling. She danced around in tap shoes and then did some duck calls at the same time. Once again the audience booed.
The third contestant, Andrea, was on the show a few weeks ago as the world's hottest and dumbest stripper. She was very nervous for some reason. Gary said she was just as dumb as ever. Howard tried to fool her by telling her that Jimmy was the Vice President. Gary said he heard that she was pretty easy to get up to a room. Apparently she was getting hit on and going back to rooms with guys. She said she wasn't having sex though. Howard asked Andrea a few questions and let her show her talent by reading a poem she wrote. Everyone was booing her and heckling her. The poor girl just kept going. Gary the Retard yelled out that he thought she should win the pageant.
The fourth contestant Jaime Jornt is the daughter of one of the father-son teams that tried to win sex earlier in the show. Howard spoke to her for a short time about her family and how wacky they are. Her mother and father are cool with letting each other have some fun on the side once in a while. Jaime said that she has been a fan of Howard's since she was 12 or so. She sang Pink's ''Get This Party Started'' for the talent portion of her appearance. She had new lyrics which included Howard's name.
The fifth and final contestant was Amber. Howard said she's a lesbian and she has 3 way's with women all the time. Howard spoke to her for a few minutes and even met her wife who was as close to a man as possible according to Gary. Her talent was queefing or making fart sounds with her private parts. She demonstrated that talent for everyone by getting down on a pillow and making her queef sounds along to some music.
After meeting all of the contestants Howard had everyone vote on their favorite. Here's how the voting went... Adam, Robin and Artie all picked Amber as their favorite. Howard's girlfriend Beth picked Jaime. Howard, Fred and Joe Francis all picked Andrea the dumb stripper as their favorite which made it a tie between Amber and Andrea. Jimmy Kimmel was the tie breaker. He thought about it a while and said that the queefing is a talent but it won't last 9 years like the previous Miss Howard Stern so he had to go with Andrea. Andrea won $10,000, the title of Miss Howard Stern and a trip to Paris courtesy of TravelWorm.com. Howard sang to her and congratulated her. All Andrea could say was a very small-voiced, funny sounding ''thank-you.''
Today's Laughing with the Stars was over around 12:10pm.
Jerry came on and talked about how young he was when he first heard Howard. He said his mother would drive him and his brother to school and he remembered hearing him on 92.3 on the way in. Jerry said things are much racier now and he wonders if he should expose his girls to Howard too. He said he turned out alright so he thinks that would be okay.
Jerry talked about how the channel 9 show helped him see what Howard, Robin and all of the guys looked like. He said it was a treat to see them on around that time when they were on Saturday nights. He said he remembers Underdog Lady on that show. That led into them playing a clip from 2003 when Underdog Lady called into the show. Here's what they played:
Underdog Lady And Other Stuff. 3/6/03. 8:40am
(Snipped) Underdog Lady is upset with rumors that Disney is going to ruin the cartoon character by making a live action movie about him. According to Susan, the movie will show that Underdog got his powers from an explosion in a chemical factory. She told Howard that the creator of the character never had an explanation for that and this shouldn't happen. She was whispering on the phone becuase she was so nervous about talking to Howard. He told Susan that perhaps they should team up on this and do something about it. Susan said that she's afraid that people will forget, or refuse to believe, that she exists. Robin asked her where Underdog actually got his powers. Susan told her that they never explained that. He was ''just there.'' Gary said Susan is afraid that this could mean the end of her and the fact that she keeps the character alive. She said people may think that it's the quintisential story and will overlook her. Howard wondered if they should be consulting her for the script. Susan said that the person who does play the character may take her place. Howard said she should listen to Adam West tomorrow because he had a similar situation. She seemed to agree and said Adam begged to play Batman in the movies and was turned down.
Gary asked Howard if he thinks Underdog would be played by a male or female actor. Howard said it'll probably be a guy but it could be a woman. Susan pointed out that Sandy Duncan played Peter Pan and other people have played characters of the opposite sex. Howard said the people in the industry are very narrow minded and are looking for a big star to play the part. Howard ended up asking Susan if she'd be willing to play the part of Underdog if he made a half hour, straight to video, movie. She said she'd have to read the script to make sure it all makes sense first. Howard agreed with her and said it would be straight Underdog, no nudity. Howard said he was going to try and get an original cartoon script and perhaps, create a live action video. Howard took a call from a guy who said the Underdog movie is going to be CGI (computer graphics), not live action. He said the worst part will be the person doing the voice. Susan hung up at this point for no obvious reason. Gary went back and caller her again a short time later. Meanwhile, Howard wondered who would play some of the other parts. He also took some phone calls. One guy said that Underdog's alter-ego was Shoeshine boy and when he wanted to become Underdog, he took a pill. Howard wondered where the pills came from but the guy didn't have the answer. Artie said there were times when he took ''super energy pills'' and he flew pretty high on those. Howard said he wished Susan hadn't hung up on him. He really wants to make this movie with her. He said he'd go shoot it with E! if they'll give him the money. He said he could probably raise the money himself and have it go straight to video. He said it would be awesome.
Gary got Susan back on the phone and told her about the power pills. She sadi those were just recouperative pills and they don't explain where his powers came from. She said he didn't take them in every episode. Susan claims that someone has been filming her for the past 4 years and is putting together a movie of her dressed as a bunch of characters. Howard asked her if she'd be willing to appear in this movie if he puts it together. Susan said Howard once told her that Underdog was just a ''silly show.'' Howard told her that he's grown since then. Susan told Howard that she has revised all of the scripts to make Underdog smarter than he appeared back then. Howard wondered why she'd want to change them though. Howard offered her a great deal to do this movie but she was resisting. Howard said he'd look into the possibility of making a Broadway play out of it too. Howard asked her to make a commitment to him but she said they have this documentary coming out already. He and Robin tried to talk her out of doing that and told her that taking on Disney is going to be tough. Susan told Howard she'd have to see what he has to show her for this movie. Howard said they'd shoot it up in Toronto and asked her if she'd be able to do that. She said the character was created in the United States. Howard told her they were just doing that to save money. Susan didn't seem to like the straight to video part of the deal. Robin told her that the Olsen Twins do a ton of movies that go straight to video and they're millionaires. Howard said he'd even ask Mary McCormack to play the part of Polly and John Lithgow to play Simon Barsinister. Susan thought it might be better to have a more updated evil presense in the movie. She suggested having a drug dealer as the evil character. Susan then told Howard she had to get going. Howard tried to keep her on the phone for a few more minutes. She sat and listened to Howard as he told her about what he'd do with the movie. She eventually hung up on Howard when he continued to beg her for an answer. Howard said he's going to give up on it if she's going to be like that. Howard told Gary to get her back on the phone again.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and told Howard that he has the name of the guy who is producing the movie. He said he'd give it to him off the air. Howard said he'd go to that guy and ask him for the rights to do this half hour short. Howad was about to take a break but Gary got Susan on the phone once again. She hung up but he was able to get her again a minute later. Susan told Howard that he just kept going on and on after she told him she'd look at whatever he puts together. Howard apologized to her about that and let her go off on him for a minute. He spent a coupel more minutes talking to her about what he's going to do and let her go. A listener called in and said he has to make that video happen. He said he'd buy 20 copies. Howard said he never thought he'd be working on a project like that with Susan after she got mad at him and refused to come on his show for ten years. Howard took a break shortly after that.
The Gossip Game With Guest Jerry O'Connell. 10/22/99. 7:50am
Actor Jerry O'Connell came in to plug his new movie ''Body Shots'' and to play the Mike Walker gossip game this morning. You may know Jerry as the chubby kid in the movie ''Stand By Me'' or from ''Jerry McGuire'' or ''Scream 2.'' He also did a few seasons of the TV show ''Sliders.'' Howard said he had him in because he claimed to have dated Sara Michelle Gellar. He wanted to find out more about that but first they played the gossip game. Howard also showed Jerry the pictures of Emily's labia from earlier in the show.
Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Jerry said he doesn't read the National Enquirer but he loves the game. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard tried to get some info out of Jerry about dating Sara Michelle Gellar but he wasn't talking. Howard pulled some tape of Sara saying that she was just friends with Jerry and after that Jerry wouldn't talk. He said he'd let Sara answer all of Howard's questions. Howard also went over how Jerry was discovered in 6th grade at school in New York. He was picked out of his school and went out to meet with Rob Reiner to audition for ''Stand By Me.'' At the time his mother told him he was going to meet the guy from Archie Bunker. He thought he was going to meet Carol O'Conner but when he saw Rob Reiner he said ''You're not Archie Bunker, you're Meathead!'' Howard tried to get more info about Jerry banging chicks out in L.A. but he didn't give many details. He hinted that he gets laid a lot but still no details. Howard really wanted to find out some stuff but it wasn't happening. Howard finally got around to asking Jerry about this new movie ''Body Shots.'' There are a lot of sex scenes in the movie so Howard spoke to him about that. Jerry said he had to wear a sock-type thing over his genitals during the filming. He did get to see his co-star, Tara Reed's breasts though. She wore some kind of patch over her genital area. Howard opened up today's Daily News and saw that the movie got 3 stars which is pretty good. The New York Post only gave it 2 stars though. Jerry was pretty impressed with the 3 star review though. Howard tried a few more times to get some info out of Jerry about Sara but it was useless.. Howard told him if he ever wants to get back on the show he'd better start talking.
This segment wasn't in my archives. The segment aired on May 25, 1990. In the clip Howard talked about this prank they pulled on Jessica Hahn. He said Gary called Jessica and told her they had a guy from Doubleday books calling her to talk about a book deal. Howard said he was playing the guy from Doubleday and said that he was pitching all kinds of wacky stuff to her and she had no clue she was being goofed on.
Howard told Robin about the prank call and then played it for her. In the prank call they have a woman call Jessica letting her know that she has this guy Bob Trellis on the line to talk to her. Then Howard gets on and tells Jessica what they're looking for. Jessica buys into it and goes along with the concept for the book.
Howard told Robin that it doesn't matter what he says to Jessica. It's like two people who have nothing to say to each other. Howard pitched some nonsense to Jessica and she agreed that it sounded like a good idea. She pitched her own ideas as well.
Howard pitched some book title ideas and Jessica told him he sounded like Howard Stern's brother. Howard said he's been told that. He threw out some more wacky title ideas after that.
Howard said he was trying to get Jessica to realize it was him and she just didn't get it. Howard said he had to lay something on her so ridiculous that he laughed to make her realize it was him. Howard said he'd still be going on with that call if he hadn't done that.
Jessica kind of got the hint that he was fake and told him that she didn't think he was legitimate. Howard asked her if she would pose with Flo and Eddie for the book and Jessica asked to take his number. Howard asked her about another title and she asked if this guy was put up to make the call. Jessica couldn't believe that she was being asked questions like he was asking.
Howard told Jessica to repeat after him that ''books are bucks.'' Jessica said she can make money other ways. Howard told her that he breasts were made for print. Howard kept trying to get her to realize he was goofing on her but she was still talking to him. He kept telling her to repeat ''books are bucks'' but she wasn't doing it. She would talk about how she doesn't have to do things like that to make money.
Howard eventually broke down and said he would like to shave her down like a four year old and started to laugh. He told her it was him and Jessica couldn't believe that he had fooled her and that she fell for it.
Beetlejuice Visits. 03/21/06. 9:50am
Howard had Gary bring in Beetlejuice so they could get that done. They played Staind's version of ''The Beetlejuice Song'' as he was coming in. Howard said that song gives him chills when he hears it. He asked Beetlejuice how he feels when he hears it. Beet gave him a very simple ''If feels good...'' Howard said that Beet was there to remind everyone that he's there to plug his web site JollyDwarf.com where you can book him for shows and stuff.
Howard heard that Beet was drinking this morning so he asked him if he thinks he has an alcohol problem. Beet said he doesn't have a problem and he could give it up if he wanted to. Howard asked Beet if he's still getting along with Bob Levy. Beet said something about him being a ''Bob Hope Jew.'' That led to Howard asking Beet about Jews and what they do to him. Beet said that they love money. He was also saying something about Hitler but he was kind of unintelligible. Robin figured out that he was saying that he overpowered the Jews.
Howard asked Beet about working with the Jews and asked him if they've ever screwed him out of money. Beet said he makes sure that they don't do that. Howard asked Beet more about the Jews and then asked him to rank the races for him. Beet didn't really have any thoughts on that so Howard had to steer him in the right direction. He asked him if he can tell a Jew just by looking at them. Beet said he could so he asked him if he was a Jew. Beet said he was and he was right. Then Howard pointed out Artie and Beet said that Artie is also a ''dirty Jew.'' Beet also called Fred a ''Kike.'' Then Howard asked Beet what he thinks about him. Beetlejuice said that Howard isn't a Jew, he's Italian.
Howard asked Beetlejuice to have a spelling bee against Bob Levy. Bob said he thinks he can beat Beetlejuice but Beet said that ''you can't beat a dirty Jew.'' Howard gave Bob the first word which was ''SCISSORS.'' Bob spelled it ''SISSORS.'' Beetlejuice spelled it ''SAICCD... SEAI.'' Beetlejuice told Bob to go back to the Klan or something wacky like that.
Howard went to Bob again with the next word ''DEFINITELY.'' Bob spelled it ''DEFINATLY'' and Beetlejuice spelled it ''DEFINTLY.'' He came pretty close with that one. Howard gave Beet the next word ''POTATO.'' He spelled it ''POTNATO'' but almost got it. Howard asked Bob to spell the next word which was RHYME. Bob got it right so Howard called him a show off and ended the spelling bee.
Howard asked Beetlejuice how his manager Sean is doing after his stroke. Beet said he's doing fine and he's up and walking around now. Howard asked him what car he's driving these days but Beet wasn't able to answer. He was also asked about what he's got planned for his future. Beet said he plans on leaving, that's it. He was also saying that his penis is about 2 inches long and it's too large for his wife.
A fan called in and asked Beetlejuice why he's not cursing on the air. Beet said he didn't want to but he did say the F-word a few times. He was also goofing on the guy on the phone by doing a fake voice. Artie got him revved up and gave him a couple of F-yous that got Beetle cursing a little more. They had him going pretty good this time. Last time he was on he didn't say one curse word. This time he was cursing like crazy.
Artie was goofing on him but Beet came back with some good points about him getting drunk out in Vegas and almost falling off the stage. He was also calling him fat and goofing on him right back. Beetlejuice said that Artie has boobs like a girl and he should put a bra on. Beet was quick this morning with his comebacks.
Bob asked if they could have Beet at the Daniel Carver Roast. Howard said that would be great. At one point Beetlejuice called Artie ''Jackie'' and goofed on him some more. A caller asked Beetlejuice what it's like to be an A-List celebrity. Beet said that it don't matter but he does like it a little bit. He also said that he likes signing autographs a little bit.
Howard started to wrap up with Beetlejuice but he and Artie were still going back and forth. Howard was calling Artie ''Jackie'' still and wondered why the two of them were fighting. Artie said he was just trying to get something going.
Howard gave Beet a plug for his web site and asked him to make up with Artie. Beetlejuice called in a Guinea and said that he smells like shit pizza. Howard went to break a short time later.
Stevie Wonder Performs Live. 10/20/05. 7:00am
Howard came back from break and said that Stevie Wonder was running a little late but he'd be there soon. He asked Artie if he'll be drinking on Saturday night at Ronnie's Scores party. Artie said that he will be drinking and having a good time with the guys. Howard took a call from a woman who said she doesn't know how she's going to get anything done today because she's got Wendy the Retard on Howard 100 today. Howard tuned in and heard her just breathing on the air over there. Wendy asked to watch Barney at one point and then started doing some Karaoke. Wendy has someone in the room with her showing her how to use the equipment. The woman on the phone said Wendy was playing drums and stuff like that. Howard wanted to do more of the Jackie interview stuff but he didn't want to interrupt Stevie Wonder. Gary came through on his intercom and asked Howard if he wanted to finish up the Jackie interview even though they'd just talked about doing that. Howard said that Gary is on a delay so he doesn't hear everything they say.
A phone caller told Howard that Wendy the Retard was being coached in the studio so maybe they should stop that. Howard said he might have to ask them to stop the coaching. Stevie Wonder showed up a short time later and came right in the studio. Howard was about to go to break but had to stay there to applaud Stevie with the rest of the guys. He told Stevie they were giving him a standing ovation but he didn't have to stand up since Stevie couldn't see them. Stevie told Howard that he looks better with age... He also told Howard that he listens to the show sometimes but it wasn't clear if he was yanking him around or not. Howard was all over the place with Stevie until he settled down and concentrated on one subject. He asked Stevie when he started getting laid and how he got his first record contract. Stevie told Howard a story about how he would hear music playing out on the street but he wasn't allowed to cross the street. He paid a friend of his to help him across the street and hooked up with a guy who was playing two blocks away. That person let him play with them and hooked him up with a record company. Stevie said that his mother almost blew his record contract for him back then. He said he loves her very much though and things are good with them.
Howard asked Stevie about his vision loss and how that came about because of too much oxygen when he was born pre-mature. Stevie said he can remember seeing some things when he was younger and now they're working on getting him some implants that will help him to see some images. He said they did some testing and got some good results. The tests are kind of inconclusive at this point and he's not sure that the chip is the right thing for him.
Howard got back to the discussion about when he got laid but Stevie wasn't going to tell him his business. Howard told Stevie that he got laid when he was 16 and Stevie said that sounds a little late. Stevie got his first record contract at 13 so Howard figures that's when he first got laid. Stevie said that it could have happened then but maybe it didn't. They talked about Stevie's first wife Syreeta who just passed away a couple of years ago. Howard wasn't aware of that and left the story alone after Stevie told him about her breast cancer.
Howard asked Stevie who helps him out and walks him out on stage. Stevie said that it's actually his brother who helps him out. Howard figured that's the only person that you can trust to do something like that. He asked the brother if Stevie ever asks where the hot women are at. Stevie said that doesn't happen. He said that he's married now and plans on being married forever. He's got 7 kids now and 2 with his new wife of four years. Howard wondered how old his oldest kid is. Stevie said he has a daughter who's 30 years old and rattled off the names of all of his kids for Howard. He was still refusing to talk about the chicks he's banged over the years. He also said that he never had to ask his brother to pick out the hot chicks either.
Stevie was asking for some food but Howard let him know that he was at a radio station, they don't have any food for guests. He went on to ask Stevie about his celebrity friends like Prince who has been over to his place to listen to his new CD. That led to Robin and Howard asking Stevie what kind of music he likes these days. Stevie told them that he doesn't know of anyone who is a genius. Gary came in a minute later to take Stevie's breakfast order since they didn't have any food there for him. Stevie said he'd have an egg white omelet with no cheese and a pineapple cranberry mix drink. His brother took the same thing but with cheese.
Howard asked Stevie to go over to the piano they had in the room so he could play some songs for them. Howard gave him a plug for his new album ''A Time To Love.'' They were having some trouble with the keyboard they had in there so they had to mess around with it for a short time. Stevie was changing all of the instrument sounds on the board and couldn't find the piano setting. Scott the Engineer wasn't able to get it done either so they brought in Stevie's personal keyboard. Howard took some phone calls and let some people say a few words to Stevie. Vinnie Favale called in and told Howard about a song that Stevie wrote about his wife cheating on him. Stevie sang a little bit of that song without the piano. He eventually got the piano working but it didn't sound right to him because of the way it was hooked up. Once he got going he got into it and sang some of the songs that Howard wanted to hear. Stevie's voice was breaking up a little bit so he had to warm up a little bit. Robin requested a little ''Superwoman'' so Stevie sang the song using her name in the song.
Howard asked Stevie about being friends with Michael Jackson. Stevie would only say that he's his friend and wouldn't answer Howard when he asked if he would let his own kids sleep over at his house. Stevie would only say ''I'm Michael Jackson's friend.'' After talking to Howard a little bit he would play another little bit of one of his songs. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and ruined one song because she couldn't hear him playing when Howard put her on the air. She said she was honored and wanted to hear a little bit of ''Isn't She Lovely'' so Stevie performed a little bit of that for her. He talked about the song and how it was never released as a single, it was only on an album. He told Howard how he wrote the song and how that all came about. He even reenacted how he came up with the lyrics. Howard told Stevie that he took piano lessons as a kid but his piano teacher killed himself... and he wasn't kidding about that. Stevie never took lessons. He played a little bit of a song that he was creating, as he was going along, just for Howard.
Howard asked Stevie how long after meeting a woman it would be before he'd play a personal performance for her. Stevie said he would do that when he was younger he would actually do that. Captain Janks called in and asked Stevie to play a little bit of ''Sir Duke'' for him... and asked him if he ever ''saw'' Howard's movie ''Private Parts.'' Stevie played along and said he saw it. He then went on to play a little bit of ''Sir Duke'' for Janks. Howard asked Stevie if he and Bill Cosby are still friends. Stevie said that he still talks once in a while but not all that much. Howard gave him another plug for his album and took some more requests over the phone. One guy asked to actually sing along to ''My Cherie Amore'' over the phone. Stevie started to laugh when the guy called him ''brother'' as he was singing. Howard ended up singing instead of Stevie but he had Stevie take over since he couldn't remember the lyrics. Howard took over once again and sang the song about Scores and how much he loves that place.
Howard asked Stevie some questions about what he'll be leaving his kids in his will. Stevie said that his kids won't get any money, they'll have to work for their money. Howard asked Stevie to play his favorite song off of his new CD but Stevie was starving and wasn't getting paid so he was being kind of reluctant to play. Howard asked him what song he thought was going to be a big hit but ended up not being as big as he thought. Stevie said that was probably ''What the Fuss.'' Howard also asked him to play a little bit of ''Pastime Paradise'' which he did for a few seconds. Stevie couldn't remember all of the lyrics though. Gary came in and made one more request before Howard played something off of his CD. He played some of ''What the Fuss'' which Stevie said features Prince and En Vogue.
Artie told Stevie that his girlfriend is envious of him because she's got to look at him every night. Howard was going to wrap up but Stevie wanted to get someone on the phone to talk to Howard but he had to go through a whole thing to get the person on the line. Gary said that Stevie was using this brail Blackberry-like device to find the number. Gary told Howard this might be worth it and helped to get the person on the phone. Stevie said that the person was surprised that Howard would have him on the show and not have him. The person was on the line but Gary wasn't as excited as he thought he was going to be. The person on the phone was ''Bruce'' but not the Bruce that Gary thought it was going to be. He thought it was going to be Springsteen but it was some guy doing a gay voice and goofing on them.
Howard wrapped up with Stevie even though he said he could interview him for 5 hours. He asked him to come back tomorrow but Stevie said that he's going to be busy. Howard and Robin told him how great he is and what an influence on the music industry he's been. Howard gave him some more plugs for his album ''A Time To Love.'' Stevie said that he'd like to do this again with them and even offered to do a concert if they found a good charity to give to. Howard thanked him again and had Stevie play them into commercial.
This segment wasn't in my archives. Here's a quick synopsis... In the clip Howard talked to Corey about how easy he thinks it would be to get Corey into bed. Corey said he's not the one hanging out with Richard Simmons. Howard said he's never slept in a bed with any man and Corey has slept with two guys. Corey said that's not true. He said he was molested by a man. Howard said he didn't file charges though.
Howard asked Corey about the molestation and how that went down. Corey told Howard about that a little bit but didn't get into too many details. Howard said he can't wait to hear about Michael Jackson.
Howard talked to Corey about his parents and hoe he had to get out of the house when he was a kid. Corey said that his parents spent his money and didn't save for him. He said he didn't want to bag on his parents though. He
Howard talked about the kind of money he'd charge his kid if he was managing him. He said the kid wouldn't have anything. Corey told Howard about all of the money he had at 16 and how he had a nice house, a BMW and got to hang out with Sam Kinison. He joked that Sam molested him too but he said he was just kidding.
Corey told Howard he was thinking about the Eddie Murphy song that came out that sounded very much like the song he performed on Howard's show called ''What's Up With Youth.'' He said it's odd because Michael Jackson and Eddie produced that song and not that many people had heard his song. He made it sound like maybe Michael had something to do with the song getting to Eddie but he didn't remember ever talking to him about the music. Corey said someone else told him the song sounded similar to his and that's when he thought about it.
Howard asked Corey if he had any money left after his parents spent it. Corey said he had 40 grand left after it was all done. He said that was from a million that he made. Corey said he may have blown it himself if they hadn't spent it though. He said he was a heroin addict for a while so it's possible that he would have spent it on that.
Corey told Howard about his friend Michael who was there with him. He was also addicted to heroin at one point so Howard heard some stories from him about that.
Howard talked to Corey about being in ''Stand By Me'' and some of the other movies he was in. Howard said he was probably best known for ''Stand By Me'' but Corey thought that he had been in a bunch of others that were pretty well known.
Howard read about Corey having slept alone in bed with Michael Jackson when he was young but that nothing had happened. Howard asked if he had ever seen Jackson naked. Corey said he never did. Corey said that he met him on the set of ''Goonies'' and he was about 14 years old around that time.
Howard asked Corey if he had pubic hair when he did ''Goonies.'' Corey laughed and asked if they were playing Jeopardy there or something.
Howard asked Corey if he thinks that the ranch Michael has lures kids in. Corey wasn't saying that's what it did and said he'd like to know who Michael's lawyer is in this case. Howard said he's just asking questions.
Corey said Michael Jackson is a genius and he doesn't think the same way that other people do. Howard asked how old Jackson was when he started calling him. Corey said he was 26. Howard said that was a 26 year old calling a 13 year old.
Howard asked Corey how long he and Michael spoke the first time. Corey said it was about 2 hours. Howard asked if he thought that was odd that a 13 year old could entertain a 26 year old for 2 hours. Corey said Michael isn't normal. He said he's not normal but he's a genius.
Howard said Jackson has been accused of molesting a boy and that's why he's asking about this. Corey said it's just an accusation. Corey joked about how he had blown him and got a laugh out of Howard.
Howard asked Corey if Michael asked him to go to his compound or anything. Corey said he came down to the set of the movie and they started talking more regularly. He said there was one time he called Michael 40 times in one weekend. He said sometimes it was hard to get a hold of him, sometimes it wasn't.
Howard asked Corey if Michael asked him to go back to his place. Corey thought that was funny but Howard was asking a serious question. Corey said he was invited over to Jackson's place with some other kids. He said they had a candy store at the house for the kids. That room was in the back room somewhere. He said they also went to Disneyland together. Howard asked about that and found out that they had gotten a room together. Corey said he got a small room and they only had one bed in there. He said Michael ordered a cot to sleep on and he insisted on sleeping on it himself. Corey said he told Michael he would sleep on the cot and Michael should take the bed.
Howard asked Corey why Michael has to have kids sleeping over. He asked if he ever had him take his shirt off. Corey said he didn't do that when he slept but he did go swimming with him. Howard asked what Michael was wearing. Corey said he was in shorts.
Howard told Corey that this behavior is disturbing. Corey said it really wasn't to him though. He said Michael still stays in touch with him. He said they're still friends and he just had him hang out like 6 months before. He said he's a grown man now so it's not like he's a little kid anymore. Howard told Corey he's not sure if he's innocent or guilty but he has given them some details that could help Michael out.
Corey said he would defend Howard too if he was being accused of something like this. Howard said he still thinks that Jackson is guilty. He said based on what he has seen in cases like this in the past, it is possible that something went down. Howard said he thinks it's not healthy and it's wrong.
Corey said he didn't come on the show to help Michael. He said he did hang out with him and things were fine so he wanted to talk about that stuff a little bit. He said it infuriates him that people are so willing to jump on something like that.
Howard asked Corey if he slept over at anyone else's house. Corey said Sam Kinison had him over when he was still a teenager. He was around 15 at that time. Howard thanked Corey for coming in started to wrap up with him a short time later. He told Corey that he had just thrown gasoline on a forest fire with the stories he told. They spent a couple more minutes talking and then went to break.
NY Giants Rookie Tight End Jeremy Shockey Calls In. 9/10/02. 7:50am
NY Giants Tight End Jeremy Shockey called in this morning to talk to Howard for a short time. Howard spent some time talking to 22 year old Jeremy about his big $6 million signing bonus. For the first few minutes Howard was under the impression that Jeremy was black for some reason. Jeremy told him that he was white and Howard couldn't believe it. His southern accent and way of speaking made him sound black to Howard.
The two of them spent a short time talking about what Jeremy has spent some of his money on so far. He bought a house for himself and one for his mother. He said that his parents are divorced and his mother won't let his father come after him for money.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) from Steppin' Out Magazine called in and brought up the fact that Jeremy got into a fight with one of the other players after they demanded that he reveal his signing bonus and sing some songs as a hazing. Howard found out that it was Brandon Short he got into the fight with. They spent a short time talking about that before moving on to some phone calls. Howard let a few people talk to Jeremy before he wrapped up the call.
Howard Stern Trivia Game. 03/20/1998. 6:10am
Howard had a few guys come in who were going to compete in the Howard Stern Trivia contest. They had Steve, Robert and Captain Janks. He spoke to Steve for a few minutes and then moved on to Robert and spoke to him for a short time. Then Captain Janks was up and said he thinks he can win. Howard moved on to the questions a short time later. Gary was going to be keeping score for the game. Fred played a Baba Booey opera clip that Gary said wasn't funny anymore.
Howard said that the first person to buzz in with their fart buzzers would get to answer first. They all tested their buzzers and then got into the game. Howard got right into it after that. Here are the questions and answers:
Howard and some of the contestants had a couple more questions that didn't count in the game. Here they are:
Cuba Gooding Jr. Visits. 08/03/06. 9:20am
After the break Howard brought in Cuba Gooding Jr. Since he had been waiting out in the green room for quite some time. Howard apologized for that. He asked Cuba if he recognizes anyone in the studio. He said he knew Artie but didn't know that he had worked with him in a movie. Cuba eventually remembered that they worked together on ''Boat Trip'' years ago. Cuba said that he was tired and didn't get in until about 9:30 last night. He's been up all night.
Howard said that Cuba worked with Artie for 16 hours on that movie and he still didn't recognize him. Cuba asked for some water so Howard got him a bottle. He asked Cuba what an Academy Award winner does in the city when he comes in. Robin heard he was out yelling ''Show me the money'' to some girls. Cuba said that was down in Miami recently.
Howard asked Cuba about what he thought about Mel Gibson and his problems. Cuba said it was a bad idea for him to get in that car, drive and then open his mouth when the cops arrested him. He also talked about how there are many little things that people say that can lead to racial things. He said he used to say little things like ''rice burner'' and his wife got after him about that.
Cuba told the guys that after he won the Academy Award he didn't get any offers for about 9 months. Then he got a role offered to him and he wondered what part he was going to play. He said he was told he was going to play Robin Williams' son in the movie ''What Dreams May Come.'' He thought they were nuts but they did cast him since it was a movie about the afterlife. He said that was the first movie he did in the 12 months after winning his award.
Cuba said the Jerry Maguire movie has been haunting him for years because that's the one that people remember. He said that no one saw him as anyone but that character after he won the award. Howard said he heard a rumor that Pierce Brosnan wanted him to replace him as 007. Cuba said he's not sure Pierce said that but Roger Moore did tell him that he should play that part when they were shooting Boat Trip.
Artie told the guys about the character he played in Boat Trip and what the movie was about. Artie said that's the movie he was shooting when he got laid over in Germany.
Howard asked Cuba about his wife and found out he's been with her since 1988. Cuba said they didn't get married until 1994 but they've been together since 88. Howard wondered how many chicks Cuba got before that because it couldn't have been that many. Cuba said that for the first three years of his relationship they would break up every few weeks so he would go out and do his thing. About 7 years into it he realized she was the one for him and got married to her. Cuba and Artie talked about one of the actresses they worked with. Cuba was saying that most actresses are nuts and he can't imagine dating and sleeping with one.
Cuba told one story about how he was doing a sex scene in the woods where he was supposed to be fucking some chick. He had a director yelling at him what he was supposed to be doing. It was also some 65 year old chick so he wouldn't be interested in doing something like that. Howard told Cuba about the scenes he had with Mary McCormack in his movie and how he was feeling her up even though the script didn't call for it.
Cuba thought that Howard was saying that he was cheating on his wife so he started to go off on Howard. He was about to whip out his penis. That led to Gary bringing in a picture of the old woman that Cuba was supposed to be screwing in that movie he was talking about. Howard said he doesn't expect Cuba to be able to get it up for that chick.
Howard asked Cuba where he was hanging out last night and if he had chicks hitting on him. Cuba said women give him their numbers all the time and he's always tempted but he doesn't do anything. Howard told Cuba about his movie shoot and how he was getting aroused when he was making out and touching his movie wife. He said he's a real man and can't not get aroused.
Howard asked Cuba about his life and played some of his father's song that was a hit song many years ago. His father was in the group The Main Ingredient and the song was ''Everybody Plays The Fool.'' Howard said Cuba grew up living large in a wealthy family. His parents divorced and his father left his mother and Cuba in a hotel for a while. He left them with nothing.
Cuba said he's not sure if the guy had money but he did leave them without anything. He said the guy eventually came back around. He said he doesn't dwell on that stuff and he now realizes that he doesn't leave his wife and kids for more than 3 weeks at a time. He would never do that to his kids. He learned that after his father split.
Cuba said that he and his father have a good relationship now. Howard said of course they do, Cuba won an Academy Award. Cuba said his father got back in touch with him after his movie Boys in the Hood came out. His father actually got back together with his mother. He thinks that his mother never loved another man her whole life so that's why she got back with him.
Cuba said he had to keep thinking about his wife being there before he was a star. He said she's always been there for him and he wouldn't want to split up with him. Howard asked Cuba if there were any roles that he turned down any roles that he regrets. Cuba said he did turn down Steven Spielberg's ''Amistad'' and he probably passed up a great experience working with a director like that. He wasn't sure he wanted to do the whole slave thing though.
Howard asked Cuba if Tom Cruise ever tried to get him into Scientology. He said he never tried to do that but his father came on the set one day and asked him straight up, are you gay, do you suck cock? Cuba said that was horrifying but Tom had some fun with it and just went along with it.
Artie said that he had a run in with Tom on the set of Jerry Maguire. He told Cuba about the scene he was in and how he got cut from the movie after Tom gave him a hard time about his acting abilities. Artie said Tom yelled at him to come in quicker than he was coming in and everyone put their heads down. Cameron Crowe told Artie to come in quicker and that's what he tried to do. He got cut from the movie after all of that.
Howard thinks that Cuba hasn't done another movie with Tom Cruise because his father asked him if he sucked cock. Cuba said that Tom laughed and said ''absolutely not'' when he was asked about sucking cock. Howard also asked him if he would do a movie with Mel Gibson if he came to him tomorrow. Cuba said he would hang up the phone if he came to him with a job offer.
Howard asked Cuba about playing hockey and why people think that black people can't play. Cuba said he can play and he has his own rink in his back yard. Howard asked him who he plays with. Cuba mentioned Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Sutherland and DB Sweeny as a few guys who have played.
Cuba was in to plug the movie ''Shadowboxer'' which comes out this week. He told Howard about the movie and that it's a bit of an ''arty piece.'' He said he thinks it's a brilliant movie. The director did The Woodsman and Howard thought that movie was great so he wants to go see it. Cuba said he went to see Howard's movie and the three people in the theater loved it.
Howard once ran into Cuba on an airplane and Cuba thought that he said that he never said anything nice about him. Howard said he told the story and said that Cuba said hello to him. He took a call from Double A who said he hung out with Cuba at a party one time and he was really cool and had a lot of great pussy around him that night. Hook Nose Mike called in and said he saw that movie where he played Robin Williams' son and he wondered what the hell was going on there and used a racial slur to describe Cuba. Mike also asked him about hanging out with Robert De Niro. Cuba spent a minute talking about how cool De Niro is.
Another caller told Howard that Cuba was a great guest. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later after giving him another plug for ''Shadowboxer.'' Cuba said he would be on more if his show was on later in the day.
Today's Laughing with the Stars was over around 12:50pm.
James Woods Comes In. 1/6/99. 7:35am
Actor James Woods came in to promote his new movie ''Another Day In Paradise'' which opens Friday, January 22. The first thing he brought up was this past week's Saturday night show which was a rerun of the Cindy Margolis and her friend Elisa stripping show. He told Howard that it was the funniest thing he's ever seen. That got Howard on the subject of James' penis size. The rumors are that it's huge. James pretended that he was going to pull it out and show it but he didn't. He did admit that it is big though. Howard spent some time talking to him about it and asked him what women's reactions are when they see it. Woods didn't get into that too much but did say that he's not embarrassed when he's in a locker room. Woods was a little pissed at Robin for some comments she's made about him in the past. He didn't say exactly what they were but each time Robin would ask him a question he'd go nuts and would jokingly tell her to get off his back. He was really wound up this morning. Howard's favorite stripper Amy Lynn once told him that she'd slept with Woods so that subject popped up. Howard asked him how good she was in bed. Howard figures that hot looking women just lay there and let the man do all of the work. Woods said that Amy was, on a scale of 1 to 10, an 11½. Howard and James also spent some time talking about ''Another Day In Paradise.'' James worked with Melanie Griffith, Lou Diamond Phillips and Natasha Wagner. Howard saw a video tape of the film and said Natasha is really cute and shows her cute little breasts in it. Lou Diamond Phillips plays a gay guy in the movie. Howard thought that James had been bashing President Clinton lately so he asked him about that. Woods just said that he thinks Clinton shouldn't have been having sex in the White House, he should have gone to a Motel 6 or something to do what he was doing. He also said that Monica Lewinsky's ass was huge and he can't understand why Clinton would be attracted to that. Howard took a bunch of phone calls before James left and just about every one of them was an ass kissing for James. After the interview Howard took a break and after that James was on the car phone because Howard had another question to ask. He wanted to know if he was friends with O.J. Simpson. James said that he wasn't and got off the phone pretty quick.
Comedian Richard Belzer Comes In. 9/9/03. 9:25am
Richard Belzer came in to hang out during Robin's news. Howard pointed out that Belzer still has a home in France so he wanted to talk to him about that. He started picking on him as soon as he walked in. He chopped off all of his hair and he was wearing some strange clothing. Belzer explained to Howard how the French work over there and ended up cursing so part of what he was saying was cut off.
Howard asked Belzer what happened to his hair. Belzer said he shaved his whole head in June and it's just growing back. Howard gave Belzer a couple of plugs for the stuff he's doing these days. He's on ''Law and Order SVU'' and will be the host of ''The National Lampoon Radio Hour'' starting in October. He said they'll be syndicating the show around the country. Howard thought that sounded kind of cool because they did some classic stuff on that show years ago. Belzer also mentioned something about ''The Belzer Connection'' which is a 1/2 hour show about conspiracies that airs on the Sci-Fi channel tonight at 9 and 10:30pm.
Howard took some phone calls from some people who had some stuff to say about the French. Belzer defended the French and didn't want to talk about it anymore. That didn't stop the callers from going off on the French though. They continued to complain about them and how Belzer shouldn't be defending them. Howard and Belzer ended up talking about Belzer's gay experience during all of this. Belzer said that he didn't go all the way through the act though. He said he stopped the guy and told him he wasn't interested in doing that stuff.
There were a couple of people who defended the French along with Belzer but Howard didn't want to hear any of that stuff. He got back to the gay story that Belzer was telling. Belzer claims that he was sleeping when this guy went down on him but Howard seems to think that he was a little more willing than he's admitting.
Howard asked Belzer if there are any political figures out there who he actually likes. Belzer didn't seem to think that there are any living politicians that he likes. Howard said that Governor George Pataki is great and so was Mayor Giuliani. Belzer has an argument for everything Howard says though. Howard had to take a break after talking to him about that. Belzer stuck around to comment on Robin's news.
At one point during the news a woman called in and suggested that Robin straighten out her hair. Robin won't be doing that but it led to Howard saying that Stuttering John is convinced that Robin is using Botox to keep her skin looking so smooth. She's 51 years old and has very smooth skin which is pretty amazing to Howard. Robin said she isn't using that stuff though and she just has good skin. Richard Belzer said he's had some plastic surgery done. He said he had the bags under his eyes removed and explained to them how they do it by cutting your eye lid. He said they do that, remove the fat and sew it back up.
Chuck Negron From Three Dog Night Visits. 10/11/1995. 8:10am
After the break Howard said that he was reading about Three Dog Night and how they had a lot of hits over the years. He talked about some of their songs that were big hits and how they were all about masturbation from what he knew. He said that he loved ''Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog'' (Joy to the World) was a great song because it's one that he can actually sing.
Howard had Chuck Negron from Three Dog Night come in a short time later. He said he didn't know that Chuck was on drugs back then and thought that they were a clean band. Chuck said that they had all kinds of drugs to use back in the 60s when they were making hit songs. chuck said that he was reminded of a story from back then and said that he was told that he had to stop having sex so much because he had a problem with his penis and it got so engorged with blood that it exploded.
Howard didn't know what he was talking about so he had to get more details about this penis that exploded. Chuck said that because he was so agitated from having so much sex, it started bleeding. He said that he went to the emergency room after the blood started coming out of it. It wasn't the first time they had seen something like that either.
Chuck said he had stopped having sex for like a week but this one woman came around that he liked. He said that he didn't have much of a rap so he was able to get her somehow. He said he was sore from having so much sex but he had to have this chick.
Howard talked about how he masturbates so much that he feels that there's nothing left inside of him. He still has to do it though. Howard asked Chuck if he's a large man or if he's average size. Chuck said he's average and the people at the hospital were laughing at him. He said he had his penis is in his hand while it was bleeding and that's the way he walked in. Robin said they probably had people coming to look at it too. Chuck said that's exactly what happened.
Howard said the doctors probably said that it was just another case of ''Rockstarus Fallus.'' He also talked about some other stories he's heard about people who have had things jammed up their butts but claim that the stuff went up there accidentally.
Chuck said that there are some people who have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and that's what the doctors thought he had because he was having so much sex. He said that his girlfriend at the time freaked out when she saw the blood coming out. She actually felt the blood coming out of his penis. Chuck said he didn't feel anything at the time because he was on heroin. He was actually kind of happy that he was bleeding because he was so high.
Chuck said that a lot of OCD sufferers rub themselves so much that it bleeds. That's why the doctors thought that's what his problem was. He said that he had a lot of women who would come and do him and then his road manager would kick them out for him. He said that wasn't the nicest thing to do to women, he knows that. Howard said Chuck must have thought that this was the worst joke that God could play on him by making his penis bleed.
Chuck said that he knew that the sex thing was going to end some day but he didn't know that it was going to end with his penis bleeding. He thought it was all over at that time.
Howard gave chuck a plug for his new album and said that they would come back and have him play some songs for them after taking a break. Chuck had a friend there to help him out with the songs. Gary told Howard that Jimmy is in the Three Dog Night band that was out touring but Chuck isn't in that band. Robin said she wanted to know more about that but Howard told her he'd get to it after the break. He had to go to break a short time later.
Robin Givens Comes In. 4/14/99. 7:30am
Actress Robin Givens came in to promote ''Michael Jordan, An American Hero'', a Fox Family channel show she's appearing in this Sunday. A lot of people confuse Robin Quivers with Robin Givens. Quivers is Howard's Robin and Givens is the one who was married to Mike Tyson. Most of the interview consisted of Howard asking Givens about all of the famous people she's had sex with. She was pretty open about all of the info Howard wanted to get. He found out that fighter Mike Tyson was the first man to give Givens an orgasm. She also dated Brad Pitt, Eddie Murphy and even fooled around with Michael Jordan. She said that Brad Pitt didn't give her an orgasm. Eddie Murphy was the lucky one though, he took her virginity! Robin met Eddie when she was only 16 years old. Eddie had just auditioned for Saturday Night Live so he wasn't that famous yet. Robin told Howard that Mike Tyson was smarter than he seems on TV. She said that he's actually very street smart and he didn't talk in the same wimpy voice when he was at home. She said that Mike's ''6-pack'' hard, muscular stomach was one of the major factors in her having an orgasm with him. She said it would rub on her in just the right way. Before she left Howard wanted to find out how her body was. She took off her jacket to show Howard that her breasts aren't that big.. only a B-cup. Howard said they're just fine but a C-cup would be nice.
Gary Coleman Comes In. 11/8/99. 7:35am
Actor Gary Coleman came in this morning to plug a web site thing he's doing on UGO.com. Earlier in the morning Howard heard that Gary wasn't thrilled about doing the show but he had to get this plug in for the web site. He said he's not a fan of Howard's and he didn't think much of him. He even said he'd walk off the show if Howard asked him a question he didn't like. There were a few things that Gary didn't want to talk about like ''Diff'rent Strokes'', his parents and a recent lawsuit. Howard said he'd try to bring up all three in one sentence. Gary came in and settled right in no problem. Howard asked him about everything from his height to his sex life. Gary told Howard that he's never listened to the show, he's just heard things from people about Howard bashing him. Howard and Robin said they've defended him in many things so he really shouldn't be upset about anything. Howard spent a while talking to Gary about how his adoptive parents squandered away all of his earnings from his ''Diff'rent Strokes'' work and how he's now penniless. It's estimated that Gary earned about $18 million in his childhood career and it's all gone. Even a $1 million pension fund vanished somehow. Howard also spoke to him about his kidney problems and how he has to go through dialysis 3 times a week. He said he has to sit there for 3 hours while machines clean his blood because his kidney's have failed more than once. He's had 2 transplants and neither of them have worked. The biggest revelation of the morning was that Gary is a 31 year old virgin! He said that there are many reasons for remaining a virgin including his health problems. He said that he has seen breasts but has never gotten oral sex or any other type of sex. He said when he needs to he pleasures himself but it's rare. He hinted that he's well endowed so that's not a problem for him. He said he has 4 friends and 3 of them are women. He said he gets along better with women than with men. Howard asked him if he's gay but Gary said no to that. Gary also spoke about this web site thing he's involved with. He said this UGO.com came after him and said they'd like to make some money for him. So they're running this thing from November 15 through the 28th where they'll have Gary auctioning things off and having a chat thing and a whole bunch of other stuff. Near the end of the interview Gary said that he was glad to have done the show today. Then the subject of Dana Plato came up. Gary said he'd heard horrible things about Howard because he was the last interview she did before her death. Howard explained that Dana was very happy the day she did the show and she enjoyed it very much. Gary was thinking that Howard may have been ''the catalyst'' for her downward spiral leading to her death the day after she appeared on the show. Howard made it clear that it wasn't the case. Gary said he had to apologize for thinking all of that stuff.
The Mike Walker Game With Guest Donny Osmond. 12/5/97. 8:05am
Donny Osmond came in to play the Mike Walker game today. Donny was in to plug his ''Christmas At Home'' CD which is available from QVC. He'll be appearing on QVC Saturday night at Midnight and 2 times on Sunday. Let's move on to the Mike Walker game. Here are the 4 stories. One of them is false so try and pick it...
The following was written on April 4, 2007 during a replay of this segment... Howard talked to Robin about going to the premiere for the movie ''Good Will Hunting'' and saw Mariah Carey there just about half naked. Robin said that the dress she was wearing was kind of see through and she obviously wants people to look at her that way. They spent a minute on that before getting back to Donny.
Howard talked to Donny about his life and what he's been up to lately. Robin asked Donny what kind of money he made when he was really big in the business. Donny talked about how he and his family knew the Jackson family and used to hang out with them. He said the families were both very big and he and Michael got along because of that.
Howard and Robin talked to Donny about his own family and found out that he had to get away from them because he needed the freedom from the rest of them. He said that he and his sister are getting back together to do some things.
Howard talked to Donny about some comments he made about Rosie O'Donnell but Donny didn't want to go over that again because he had gotten into some trouble over it. Howard then found out that Donny had once seen his sister naked when he walked into her dressing room while she was changing. She didn't know it at the time but she does now. Donny said he was about 18 at the time.
Howard asked Donny if he and his sister are going to call their show the Donny and Marie show again. Donny said it's kind of funny because his real name is Donny but his sister's real name is Olive so he had suggested calling it the Donny and Olive show. Howard gave Donny a few plugs for the stuff he was there to sell this morning.
Howard asked Donny if he banged a lot of chicks when he was famous before he got married. Donny said he didn't have any women until he did get married. Howard said that's a waste of poon. Donny said he was only 20 when he got married and his wife was a virgin and only 19. Howard said that he must have been going nuts back then. Donny said he did have a lot going on in his head back then but he would just pray to God about that stuff. Howard said he must be conflicted about that stuff. He must have a war going on in his head. Donny said that's not the case. He just abstains from that stuff.
Howard figured Donny must have masturbated a lot back then and even now. Donny said he doesn't do that at all now. Howard said that he must think about wanting other women even now. Donny said that there is an urge there but he doesn't act on it. He said he's never had another woman so Howard figured he'd only seen one vagina. Donny said that he has seen others in magazines but he's only had the one. He said it was difficult being with his wife before they got married because they never had sex before they got married.
Howard said that he'd hate to be Donny's shrink. Donny said that he has been to the shrink and he thinks it's important do go to one. That led to Howard finding out that Donny had never had anal sex. Donny said that he would do it if his wife wanted him to but he really doesn't think that he's missing out on it. Howard also found out that Donny has never had oral sex either so he talked to him about that. Howard said that Donny has had a pathetic life if that's true. Donny said that he's had a great life and his wife treats him very well.
Donny said that he and his wife have tried vibrators and things like that. He said that they are very happy doing the things they do too. Howard said he must think about that stuff all the time even worse than he does. Howard asked him if he wanted to go to Scores with him. Donny said he wasn't interested so Howard told him to wink if he really did want to go. He joked that Donny had winked but said he was just kidding.
Howard played some of Donny's album but couldn't get over the oral sex thing. He said he still can't believe that his wife doesn't do that for him. Even Fred's wife does that for him. Fred said he has to force her to do it though. Howard took a call from a woman who wanted to talk to Donny about the oral thing. She said she would do it for him if his wife won't. Donny said that won't be necessary though. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he heard that Donny had hit on his sister in an elevator one time. Howard told Donny that they had Frank Bank on the show the other day and he claimed that he had banged over 1000 women. That guy played Lumpy on ''Leave it to Beaver'' and he was banging tons of chicks.
Howard told Donny that it was a pleasure seeing him and he really made his day. He then reviewed everything that they had just learned. He went over him seeing his sister naked and how she wasn't shaved. He also talked about how he hadn't had any poon and stuff like that before wrapping up the interview.
Howard told David how one woman told him that David really must have psychic abilities because he was able to read her mind on the first date. Howard said if he actually had psychic abilities he'd be rich because companies would hire him to read people's minds and stuff like that.
David told Howard about his next big trick that's coming up. He will be frozen in a 6 ton piece of ice. He said that he will have a catheter hooked up to his penis so he can pee. He said he will fast 4 days before the trick and will empty out his bowels with some kind of crappy tasting fluid. He said he will be in the ice for 58 hours. Robin didn't believe that he could possibly survive in that. David said that he will have a gel on his body to keep the cold away from his body and the ice won't actually touch him. He won't be wearing a shirt but he will be wearing pants and boots.
David also described his last big trick where he was kept in a see through box and kept under the sidewalk of a New York City street. He said he really did do that and it wasn't an illusion. He said it was really tough to do but he actually did it.
Howard changed the subject and asked David about dating Fiona Apple. David told Howard about how he met her and hooked up with her after dating her friend. He'd heard one of Fiona's songs years before she hit it big and he said he'd never forget the song he heard. Then a few years later he saw her at a Grammy party and did some magic tricks for her. Howard wanted to hear David do some psychic tricks on him. David said he likes to do card tricks. David taught Howard how to say bad things with the good when you talk to women. He said you say stuff like ''You have walls around you and you don't let people in.. but when you do let them in you keep them in forever..'' Then you tell them how guys don't pay attention to them and then they'll break down and think you really know what you're talking about and they'll spill their guts to you thinking that you actually knew something.
David told Howard that he thinks the Amazing Kreskin does some really interesting stuff in his act. Even David is amazed by Amazing Kreskin. David will be doing his ice trick in Times Square on November 27,28 and 29. When he comes out of the ice it'll be shown on ABC TV.
Howard learned more and more about David and Josie as he went along. Josie brings her female friend, who is also a model, to their home and they get it on together while David watches. David and Josie also go to strip clubs together and check out the strippers. David also said he banged Madonna a couple of times. He said that she's kind of like a guy in a way because if she wants to screw you she'll do it right away with no problem. Howard spoke to him about that for a couple of minutes before ending the interview.
After Howard came back from a break he said that Josie may have been the hottest chick he's ever met. He actually said she was better looking than both Pam Anderson and Carmen Electra which is saying a lot coming from Howard. He never says someone is better than Pam or Carmen.
Lisa Kudrow Calls In. 6/18/98. 8:45am
''Friends'' star Lisa Kudrow called in to plug her new movie ''The Opposite Of Sex''. The movie is in New York and Los Angeles this week and opens nationwide next week. Lisa just had a baby 6 weeks ago so Howard started out asking about that. He found out that she tried breast feeding but gave up because she didn't like it. She's still pumping the milk for the kid though. Howard asked if her husband watched the birth. She said that he was in the room but didn't actually watch the baby come out. He was videotaping the thing but she doesn't think he taped that part of it. Howard also asked her if she did anything weird like eat her placenta. She said no to that. She did admit that her breasts have gotten very droopy since giving birth. She may get implants someday to perk them up again. Speaking of breasts, Lisa mentioned that both Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston have touched her breasts. She told the story the last time she was on the show but Howard needed to hear it again. She had them feeling for a lump on her breast one time. No big deal but it sure sounds cool. Howard was thinking that they're all half naked touching each others breasts but that's not what happened. Lisa said that they felt her through her clothing. Lisa was pretty open about everything Howard asked her about except for one thing. Lisa went out with late night talk show host Conan O'Brien. Howard wanted to know some stuff about him but she wasn't talking. She said it was to protect Conan's current relationship with his girlfriend. Howard wanted to know if Conan has red pubic hair. There was silence so everyone thinks that means yes.
In the clip we heard Howard going crazy over Chynna when she came into the studio. Howard was talking about how great her nose was and how he could have set the world on fire if he had one that nice.
Howard talked to Chynna about her father and how he makes nice looking children. He studied her lips and talked about how thick they were on top.
Howard asked Chynna about her mother giving her condoms when she was very young. Chynna said that was true and her mom told her that she had to be careful. She didn't even start having sex until a year after that. Howard said he would have been out the door that day.
Howard talked about her father Papa John Phillips and asked about how her relationship is with him. Chynna said that he's a very charming guy and you can't help but love him. Howard and Robin talked about him coming on the show and taking credit for his daughter's success in Wilson Phillips.
Howard talked to Chynna about her father's liver transplant and how he started drinking again after he got it. Howard said he kind of told him it was okay to drink after he got that liver. Chynna said that one drink could actually kill him. Howard told her to give him a call and let him know that.
Howard told Chynna that her husband, Billy Baldwin, was a good catch. Howard asked if she's afraid that he's going to cheat on her or if she would let him cheat. Chynna said she would forgive him if he did cheat. She said if you marry someone you marry and get through stuff like that. She said they're human and people make mistakes and they should be able to work through that kind of stuff.
Howard asked Chynna about shaving and if she does that. Chynna said she's not all that hairy but she does have to get waxed in some areas. Howard said he likes that she's not perfect. Chynna said that a friend of hers told her that her boyfriend didn't mind that she had hair down there. Howard said that guy must be a freak. Howard asked Chynna if she has a bulge in her panties. She let out a big ''Ew!'' to that.
Howard asked Chynna about her boobs and if they were real or not. She said they were. Howard told her that by the time she's 40 she will want to have some work done. Howard said that if she gains 15 pounds Billy would dump her. She said he wouldn't and actually wants her to gain weight. Howard didn't believe it and wanted to give him a call to find out.
Howard got Billy's number but Gary tried calling and didn't get him. He got his answering machine. He said he might call back since he did leave a message for him.
Howard said that Chynna must be a firecracker in bed. She said htere's nothing wrong with that. Gary came in and said that William Baldwin was on the line. Howard tried to pick up but the phone was giving him problems. Howard eventually got him on. Billy said he's not the ''uptight'' Baldwin like Howard said earlier.
Howard asked Billy if he would stay with Chynna if she got as big as the woman in Heart. Billy said he just saw her the other day. Billy said to be honest he would like her to gain 10-15 pounds. He said he'd stay with her even if she did get as big as that woman in Heart.
Howard told Billy he'd pay to go to bed with his wife. Billy said he's used to hearing that stuff on the show becuase he listens when his brother is on. Howard let Billy go and said he wnated to concentrate on hsi wife.
Howard told Chynna that she's the reason that he used to watch Wilson Phillips videos. He said there was no reason to watch other than for her. He said he stained his whole TV set watching her in the videos.
howard said he would crap his pants if he had a wife who could sing adn looked as good as Chynna. Billy ended up calling back a few minutes later to get in on the conversation again. He was trying to get her to sya that he was huge in the pants. He wanted HOward to wrap up with her and get it over with though. HJoward said he was going to take a break and play her music since that's what he seemed to want.
Ozzy And Sharon Osbourne Come In. 10/18/01. 7:40am
Ozzy Osbourne came in this morning to meet Paul McCartney. He also brought his wife Sharon in with him and she just wanted to plug Ozzy's new album ''Down to Earth'' which is out now. Sharon lost a lot of weight and Howard was very impressed with her new look. Sharon said she had a surgery done where they put a band around her stomach to make it smaller. This was done 2 years ago and Sharon said she lost around 90 pounds. It takes quite a while to lose the weight but it worked for her. Ozzy said she pukes a lot because she overeats so it's not a pleasant thing. He thought she should have lost the weight naturally which surprised Howard.
Howard found out that Ozzy likes to use a lot of Viagra. Ozzy said something about 15 pills and Sharon said that he sucks on them because he likes the taste. Ozzy said he's an addict and he likes the taste of medication, that's why he sucks on them.
Howard couldn't get off the subject of Sharon's weight loss. Sharon told Howard about the procedure she had done and how it's safer than having your stomach stapled like Carnie Wilson had done. Howard thought she had some other surgery done on her but she said she wouldn't do that at this point in her life. She just lost the weight and Robin said she didn't even recognize her out in the hallway.
Howard spoke to the two of them about their sex life too. Sharon said the last time they had sex was probably a month ago but Ozzy seems to think it was even longer. He told Howard one story about going to Japan one time with Sharon. He got so wasted when he got there that he forgot that Sharon was there so he went out and got himself a Japanese woman to bang. He got back to his hotel room and his wife was there. She knocked the Japanese woman out and smashed a picture frame over Ozzy's head.
Some of the stuff Ozzy was saying had to be interpreted by Sharon because he tends to ramble and mumble quite a bit. It was very amusing. Howard wrapped up the interview by taking a phone call. The caller told Howard that Ozzy's new album was great. Howard then played a bit of the new single and then took a commercial break so he could get to Paul McCartney.
Milton Berle Visits. 10/05/1995. 8:05am
Howard came back from break and said that Milton Berle was going to be stopping by. He said this guy is 88 years old. Gary came in and said that Milton was out there listening and heard him say he thought he was 90 and he said ''F-you a-hole.'' Milton came in a short time later kind of pissed about the comments he was making about his age and how they might have to wheel him in there.
Howard asked Gary to help Mr. Berle sit in the chair. Milton said he didn't need any help and told them to let him be. Howard told him that the Pope had fallen recently so he didn't want him to have the same type of incident. Howard told him to sit down but he was still resisting. Howard said he's an icon and they really have to take care of him. He said he probably can't fall down because he's like a tri-pod with that big penis if his.
Milton told Howard that he was listening to the press conference earlier and he really didn't have anything to say. He said he thought he was trying hard but it wasn't going over very well. Howard said that Milton comes in and tries to take over his show but he really can't do that.
Howard asked Milton a question but wouldn't let him answer without asking other stuff. Milton wanted to talk about what the difference between a comic and a comedian was. He defined them but Howard moved on and asked him why he thinks that so many old-time comedians don't like him. Milton didn't really have an answer for him.
Milton seemed to be bothered by some of the questions Howard was asking about his age so he told him he's never hit a queer before. Howard and the guys got a laugh out of that. Howard asked Milton if he still satisfies his wife and is able to perform at his age. Milton said he shouldn't be asking him stuff like that. Howard just wanted to know if he can still do stuff when he gets that old.
Howard asked Milton if he has a penis pump or anything like that. Milton said he doesn't need one. He said he just turned 88 years old though. He said he was talking to George Burns and told him he was going on the show. He said that Burns never misses the show... but he never sees it either.
Milton threatened to walk out if Howard kept doing these non-sequiturs with him. He said that he was going to walk out and into Robin's booth. He didn't want to comment on the OJ Simpson case because he didn't watch the whole trial and doesn't know what the jurors saw. He tried to talk to Howard and give him some advice on how to talk on the air. He was telling him to speak clearly and slower so people can understand him. Howard told him to just talk about OJ.
Howard asked Milton if he thinks OJ is a comic or a comedian. He had to tell him he was just kidding. Milton said that the whole thing is not funny, it's tragic. Howard figured he was saying that because he has the penis of a black man. Howard told him he had some faxes that people had sent about the OJ case so he was going to ask his advice about them. Milton said he wasn't going to like them because they were about something tragic.
Howard read some of the dopey jokes that people had sent in and Milton just sat there not laughing. He said he would never touch those jokes with a 10 foot pole. Howard asked him who his enemies are in show business. He figured that Jerry Lewis was one but Milton said he didn't have a problem with him.
Howard gave Milton a plug for this exercise tape he had out. Milton wanted to explain it but Howard wouldn't stop talking. Milton told him about the tape which was for seniors. It ranges for people from 60 to 100 years old. Howard asked if there were 100 year old people in the tape. Milton said there was one 100 year old guy in there. The people in the tape are all in Rhythm and they look like the Rockettes because they're so in sync.
Howard wanted to know about all of the women that Uncle Miltie had been with in his life. He wanted to know more about him banging Marilyn Monroe and women like that. Milton said he doesn't kiss and tell so he wasn't going to talk about that. Howard asked him more questions about it anyway. He wondered what it was like when Marilyn walks into the room and takes her clothes off.
Milton said that he learned something when he was in his 20s. He said that there's an expression about groupies who like to be called Star F's (fuckers)... and that they have this pre-conceived notion about what it's going to be like. He said back in those days, like the Marilyn Monroe days, and how he learned that if she wasn't a star, and she wasn't ''Marilyn Monroe,'' you can probably last longer. He said that if you think of her as someone else, you can hold out. He had a whole explanation for how he can hold out longer. Howard wondered if Marilyn got pissed when he called her by another name. He said he never did that but he was told that he shouldn't get so excited about someone like that. He said it's all mental and you can hold out if you don't think about how famous the person is. Milton said that Marilyn was a wonderful woman and he'd like to remember her that way.
Howard got in another plug for Milton's video tape. He didn't do it right according to Milton so he told him how to do it. He said that the tape is for people of all ages, not just old people like Howard was saying. Howard said that Robin would like to aerobic activity but she started over doing it with roller blading and stuff like that. He said that this is what she probably should have been doing, the low impact stuff.
Howard told Milton about how he has a tiny penis and how he gets laughed at when he pulls down his pants. He said he's hung like an elevator button. He doesn't know what it's like to have a woman gasp when she sees his penis like Uncle Miltie does.
Uncle Miltie told a story about how he and Forest Tucker were arguing about who had the bigger penis when someone in the club they were at yelled out ''Uncle Miltie, just pull out enough to win'' as they were talking about comparing sizes.
Howard said that Uncle Miltie is working hard these days. He said Uncle Miltie would be out rock climbing this weekend and almost made him laugh. Milton said he'll be recording an episode of The Nanny next week and he will be playing her uncle. He said it could turn into a recurring role but he's not sure he wants to work a job like that regularly.
Howard told Uncle Miltie that his mother could use this tape to work down her giant ass. He also wondered if Milton had ever banged his mother. He said he's told his mother to get off her ass and do some walking to lose that big ass of hers. He said his father would appreciate that if she did lose some weight back there. He said that ass is full of Yogurt and all kinds of stuff like that. He said he's going to call his mother and tell her about this Uncle Miltie video tape.
Gary told Howard that his mother was on the phone. He got her on the line and she said she didn't want to talk to him. She wanted to talk to Milton but not to Howard. Howard told Milton to tell her to get the tape. Howard's mother said that Howard never talks to her this way when he's with her. He only does it on the air. She said that Howard doesn't have any right to talk about her ass like that.
Howard asked his mother when she last had sex with his dad. She said that she wasn't going to say and it was none of his business. Uncle Miltie said that this is all an act with Howard and it's all for entertainment. He said he knows Howard and he knows he would never speak to his mother like this if he wasn't on the air. Howard told his mother to go work on her ass with this video tape that Milton was promoting. She said she moves herself around plenty and she's going to come over to his house tonight to discuss this with him.
Howard told Milton that he's going to get a copy of this tape and gave him a few more plugs before going to commercial break.
Today's Dr. Stern: Celebrity Shrink was over around 11:30am.
Porno For Pyros Perform A Couple Of Songs. 6/3/97. 8:15am
Howard had Perry Farrell from Porno for Pyros (and Jane's Addiction) come in. He talked to Perry about working with him on his movie and things like that. They also talked about Perry claiming to have seen some aliens. Perry claims that they know of Howard. Howard asked Perry if he drives and sees aliens. Jackie let out a laugh that shocked even Perry. He had to stop and tell him that was some laugh.
Perry told Howard he sees aliens in water and in high places and when he does Yoga. Robin told Perry he might be seeing fish and not aliens when he swims. Howard told Perry he believes him.
Perry said he thinks the aliens come to see him because he believes in them. Howard said it's no wonder they're too busy to tour. Perry also said that they don't bring him to their planet because they don't want him there. He said they may not be able to get their own planet sorted out either so that may be another reason.
Howard asked Perry to perform a song for them. He said he wanted to hear ''We'll Make Great Pets'' and had the guys test out their instruments for him. After Scott the Engineer came in and got them sorted out they performed their song.
After the song Howard said that his engineering was spectacular. Robin said he didn't even touch the buttons. Howard said he thinks he heard aliens when Perry was singing.
Howard Gets Sammy Hagar On The Phone. 03/26/04. 8:55am
Howard came back from break and brought up the Van Halen reunion with Sammy Hagar. Howard wanted Gary to call Hagar and find out if this is really going to happen. Hagar was on the line a minute later. Howard couldn't believe that he was getting back together with them after all of the stuff he said.
Sammy asked Howard to go easy on him this early in the morning. He played tape of Sammy saying that he would only go back if he needed money. Sammy was laughing as he heard his own comments. During that old interview Sammy said that he thought that the band really burned him.
Sammy said he was being honest back then and this reunion has nothing to do with stuff that happened in the old days. Sammy laughed as he told Howard that he's out of money. Howard played another clip where Sammy said that Eddie was drunk from the first day he met him. Sammy said that he tried to get Eddie to stop drinking but they kept bad mouthing him after they fired him. Sammy was laughing once again as he heard this old tape. Sammy was talking about how he found out he was fired in the clip.
Howard asked Sammy how he had a complete change of heart after all of that stuff was said. Sammy told Howard that he has no explanation for that stuff... it's a rock and roll band. He said he started talking to Alex (Van Halen) first and had lunch with him one day. He said it was great to see him and he always stayed friends with Mike (Anthony). That led to Eddie wanting to call Sammy and they eventually agreed to get back together. Sammy told Howard that they didn't do any apologizing to one another, they just got back together. Howard said that would be like him getting back together with his wife or something. That will never happen.
Sammy said he went and visited the guys and Eddie had some new stuff he was working on. He said the music was extremely inspiring and they started writing songs again. Howard asked him if it was uncomfortable to be in a room with guys who fired him on Fathers Day 8 years ago. Sammy said they've been playing together for about 3 months now and they've gotten over a lot of stuff. He said he was very nervous to be with them again but he loves Van Halen's music and always has.
Howard asked him if he knows that he's not Eddie's ''bro'' when he's jamming with him in the studio. Sammy said he's really not mad at Eddie at this point. He said it's far beyond that at this point. Howard wants to go back stage and see the tension in the room. Sammy said he would set him up with a room so he could hang out with them to see for himself.
Sammy said that Eddie is healthy and playing better than ever. He told Howard that the first song they're releasing is ''It's About Time'' and it's great. Howard says he thinks Sammy will have a restraining order against Eddie by the first show they do. He also wondered if this is a Clear Channel tour they're doing. Sammy said that it's a mix of a bunch of stuff. He thought that Howard would patch things up with Clear Channel if he was out of money one day. Howard said he would never do that because Clear Channel is making him go to court to get his money.
Sammy invited Howard to come to all of their shows to check them out if he wanted. Howard said he might have a lot of free time soon if the FCC has their way.
Howard took a few phone calls for Sammy and let some guys kiss his ass and bash him as well. One caller asked Sammy what his favorite Van Halen song was that he did with the band. Sammy said his favorite has to be ''Dreams.'' Howard couldn't believe what he was hearing as far as the band getting back together. He asked Sammy who Eddie is banging these days since Valerie Bertinelli is out of the picture. Sammy said Ed is banging a lot of chicks and Howard would be proud of him.
A woman called in and told Sammy he was an idiot for going back to the band after what happened. She seems to think that the band is going to crap all over him again. Sammy said he should go into hiding while all of this is going on. Howard said he sees what Sammy is doing and he's probably doing it because it's part his band too and he shouldn't have to give it up. Sammy said things feel better now than it ever did and he's beyond all of that other stuff.
Sammy told Howard he doesn't care if this thing goes for 100 more years or 15 minutes. The songs they've written in the past 3 months are great and he thinks the time is right to do this. Howard thought that they should call Eddie and fire him from the band. Sammy told Howard to call him.
Howard wanted to talk to Sammy about being abducted by Aliens when he was 19 or 20 years old. He read something that Sammy wrote about being abducted way back in 1968. He admitted that he sounded like a nut talking about aliens but he thinks that the aliens downloaded all of the information from his brain. He said they called them ''The Nine'' because they're from the ninth dimension. Sammy said he wasn't doing drugs back then either. Sammy told Howard that they downloaded his brain information and loaded it into his brain, that's why he is who he is. Sammy told Robin that he couldn't see the aliens because they were just energy. He believes that the aliens gave him information for everything he's done in his life.
Howard took a call from an Alien researcher from a group called MUFON. He wanted Sammy to do an interview with them. Sammy told the guy to just print what Howard had just gone over. He couldn't book an interview at this time. Howard thanked Sammy for picking up the phone and talking to him. He was going to let him go because he was out on the West Coast and it was only 6:15 in the morning. Sammy also apologized to the guys in the band for the conversation because Howard had just caught him.
Howard and Robin both said they're looking forward to seeing the band again. They both like the band a lot. Howard played some of the Van Halen stuff that Sammy has done in the past. He also played the clips of Sammy talking about how he wouldn't go back to the band unless he needed the money while ''Right Now'' was playing in the background. He went to break after that.
Lou Diamond Phillips Comes In A Day Late. 4/22/98. 8:30am
It seems that there was a little bit of confusion yesterday. Gary said that Lou was scheduled to come in and do the show at 7:30 yesterday but he never showed up. Howard thought it was because he was talking about the way Lou's wife left him for another woman. Well that wasn't the reason at all. It turned out to be a misunderstanding between Gary and Lou's publicist. So Lou wasn't mad at Howard when he showed up today. One of the first things Howard brought up was Rosie O'Donnell. Howard has a giant Rosie head filled with jelly beans in the studio. Since Lou just did Rosie's show yesterday Howard asked him just how many jelly beans were in her spinning head. Lou guessed 1,400,075. WOW! That's a lot of jelly beans! His guess was incorrect but probably close. Hopefully this will become a regular thing on the show. Howard spent the rest of the interview talking to Lou about his ex-wife and how she fell in love with singer Melissa Etheridge. Howard really feels bad for Lou. That happened years ago and Lou say's he's gotten over it. He's got a really cute new wife now so he's over it. His ex-wife was an assistant director on one of Melissa's music videos. Somehow the two of them fell in love and ruined Lou's marriage. Lou told Howard how he found out that Julie was a lesbian. 20 minutes before he was set to go to work one day, Julie came up to him and said ''I slept with Melissa..''. The rest is history. They got a divorce and now no longer speak to each other. Lou is in a new movie called The Big Hit that opens this Friday.
Howard had Roseanne Barr in and talked to her about how he's going to take up racquetball to lose some weight. He told her about playing when he was younger. He said he ended up getting fat anyway. Howard asked if she runs. Roseanne said she doesn't even walk.
Roseanne said that models smoke and that helps them lose weight. That's what she does but she's not really able to quit.
Howard told Roseanne to go in for a heart transplant now and just get that out of the way early. He told her not to worry about smoking and stuff.
Roseanne talked about taking Prozac and how she was never able to sleep. She also thinks that she had to go on it just to live with Tom Arnold. Howard said Tom is really hyper and he's not sure how she does it. She said she was totally drugged, that's how she did it.
Roseanne told Howard about her new husband Ben. Howard said that guys do change sometimes. She said she's worried about that. Roseanne said Ben doesn't care about show business and that's why she likes him so much. She said they decided to get married outside of Los Angeles so they didn't have to worry about inviting people.
Roseanne asked why Jackie had little condoms on his fingers. Howard told her about him being allergic to paper. Howard asked her if Sandra Bernhard had ever come on to her. Roseanne said she's not into that kind of thing.
Roseanne talked about what a big star of the Beatles she is and how she got to perform with Ringo Starr. She talked about going up on stage one time and kind of pushed Ringo out of the way to get on the mic and it made him so mad.
Howard said that Roseanne claims that she was a prostitute. Roseanne said that's true. She said that no one would even know it was her though. Roseanne told some stories about that and how she did it in the afternoons. She would go home and do her housewife thing in the evening. Then she'd go out to do comedy so she was living like 5 different lives. They spent a few more minutes on that and then had to go to break.
Bill Maher Comes In. 10/13/00. 8:40am
Bill Maher, host of ''Politically Incorrect'', came in this morning to talk to Howard and to promote his ''Politically Incorrect'' tour. Howard immediately brought up how Bill posed for ''Jane'' magazine half naked. Robin and Howard were both surprised at how built up Bill's body is. Bill said ''If you looked like this, wouldn't you work out?'' which is the way Howard looks himself. Howard said that Bill's getting into Joe Piscopo territory though. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then about how Bill has written letters to women to break up with them and also to pick them up. Howard told him he should stop doing that because it'll come back and bite you in the ass. Bill said he has stopped doing that because of Howard. He doesn't need the letters to be read on his show anymore.
Bill and Howard spent a few minutes talking about the Presidential candidates. Bill said that he will be casting a vote for Ralph Nader because he's the only one talking about issues that count. Howard agrees but also said that abortion is a major issue for him and he wants someone like Gore to be there to protect women's rights.
Howard brought up a story about Bill being at some Bill Clinton fund raiser. Bill said that he did introduce Clinton because he thought that the guy did a great job. Before he could finish the story Stuttering John came in and interrupted him. He had his brother-in-law and his fiance on the phone. The fiance claims to have gotten a letter from Bill back when she worked on ''Politically Incorrect'' when it was on Comedy Central. The 2 page letter basically said that she was hot and he wanted to hook up with her. The fiance said she didn't really want to read it on the air but the brother-in-law said he'd do it. They never really did get around to it and the whole thing fizzled out. They read part of one line that said something like ''You are so goddamn hot..'' Gary came in and told Howard that the woman never wanted to come on the air but Stuttering John bugged her about it so much that she finally came on today. It was a big waste of time. Bill said he didn't remember doing that but it's possible.
Howard got back to the Bill Clinton stories and said he heard that Bill was asked to bring a hot date to one of the fund raisers he was at. They needed ''eye candy'' at the event or something like that. Bill didn't confirm or deny that fact. Howard also heard that the Secret Service asks that attractive women be kept back from Clinton because he tends to get a little overzealous with them and it distracts him. Bill said he did hear that story.
Howard continued to ask Bill about all of the hot women he's dated. He tried to get some advice on getting such hot women but Bill wasn't really talking.
Bill will be at the Bottom Line tonight in New York doing his ''Politically Incorrect'' tour. He said it's just like his TV show but there are no commercials and people are allowed to curse.
Sandra Bernhard Comes In. 3/13/03. 9:00am
Comedian Sandra Bernhard came in to promote ''Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.'' As soon as she came in Howard was saying that they were going to play the ''Porn or Politics'' game with her. He told Sandra she could either plug her stuff or have a date with Karina. Karina came in and Sandra immediately started plugging ''Law and Order: SVU.'' She said she really didn't know Karina and didn't want to take Howard up on the date. Sandra and Karina spent a couple of minutes talking to each other. Howard also asked Karina how she got into porn. She just got into it 7 months ago after being a bill collector for a while. She explained how she did some nude modeling and then got a call to do an anal sex movie. Since then she's done seven porn movies. Howard spent a couple of minutes with that but Sandra seemed more interested in talking about Stuttering John's appearance on ''I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here!'' recently. She said John came off as sweet and loveable on the show. Howard said that's not what you want on a show like that though. They ended up talking about how bad Bruce Jenner and ''Downtown'' Julie Brown looked on the show. Sandra said that perhaps Bruce was on steroids at one time and after he got off of them he just fell apart. She also thought that Julie Brown looked pretty bad and thought that she must have had a bad eye job or something. She ended up talking about her own big nose that she's never had work done on. She said when you get your nose done you lose some ''power'' from your face. She said she's never had any work done and would be afraid to do anything.
Howard read that Sandra had dated Jay Leno at one time. She said she didn't really ''date'' him, she just ''hung out'' with him a few times. Howard and Sandra talked about how lame Jay's act has gotten over the years and how bad his show is. She eventually told Howard that she'd slept with Jay so he asked her what that was like. Howard asked her what it was like when he pulled down his pants for the first time and stuff like that. Howard said he has a special light that he stands in when he gets naked so he doesn't look so bad. Sandra said that he's fallen apart since then. She said she did him a few times back in the mid-70's. She said that his penis was pretty big too. She said she'd actually be in pain afterward. She told Howard that she'd be doubled over afterward. Howard told her that she's not saying anything bad about him and this will actually get him to tune in tonight. Robin and Howard said they can't even imagine her with him as he is today. Howard said he heard that Jay was into bondage back then. Sandra didn't answer and said that was the end of the conversation. Howard persuaded her to talk a little more. She said Jay handcuffed her and spanked her back then. Howard said he's been telling Robin that for 20 years and she didn't believe it. Howard said he always suspected that of Jay. Howard said when he does the Tonight Show, Jay comes back and talks to you but he's not really there. He said there's no reality there. Howard said Jay was probably picturing him tied up.
Howard said he figures Sandra is a lot of fun in bed. She said she does have some fun. Howard asked her a few more questions about Jay and how that handcuffing thing comes about. He said that he wouldn't be able to bring something like that up on the first date. Sandra said it's possible though. Howard asked her if he used an electric prod on the first date. Howard said that now David Letterman seems gay next to Jay Leno.
Howard said that Sandra is a party girl and this is only the tip of the iceberg. She said she's never talked about this stuff before so it's an exclusive for Howard. She said she's tried to get Jay to talk about stuff like that when she's been on his show but he won't go there. Howard said that's stuff they should go for when they're interviewing people like that. Howard said even Carson would give hints about banging people like Angie Dickinson when he was doing her years ago. Howard said Jay could have said something and people would tune in the next night to see what's next. Howard said a guy who has to use handcuffs on the first night must have problems with women. He said it's like he has to humiliate women on the first date or something. Howard said that he'd save that kind of stuff for at least a few weeks to liven things up.
Sandra said this will probably be written about in the papers tomorrow. Howard sarcastically said ''No it won't.'' They said the story will probably show up everywhere and Jay will freak out about it. Sandra was kind of apologizing about what she'd just done but Howard told her not to worry about it. Sandra said she used to do Leno's show all the time but the all of a sudden it stopped for some reason. Howard suggested that the people at Letterman's show get her to host for him while he's out sick. Howard told the guys to get Vinnie on the phone so he could talk to him about that. While they were waiting for him to get on the phone Howard asked Sandra about the spanking some more. Howard wondered if he used a paddle on her or just his hand. Sandra said it was just his hand but his hand was like a paddle because it was so big. Robin said when she sees Jay's hands from now on, that's what she's going to think about. Howard said when he handcuffs someone, they just laugh at him. He said he doesn't make women sore either.
Howard gave Sandra another plug for ''Law and Order: SVU.'' Robin said she's been in a lot of stuff lately. Howard told her that's because she's talented. Sandra said that Howard is one guy who never gets bent out of shape about anything when she's on the show. Howard told her he wished more guests were like her. He said she comes on and talks about stuff no problem.
Howard talked about this girl Elizabeth Smart who was missing for 9 months and was just found yesterday. The guy who took her was working at the families home and vanished. Howard wondered what kind of parents take in a homeless drifter like those people did. Howard ended up talking about Darryl Hannah and how she lives in a tee pee. He and Sandra spent a few seconds on that. Howard then asked her if she's friends with Rosie O'Donnell. Sandra said she was only on that show one time. She's not friendly with her.
Howard wondered where Vinnie Favale was. Once Sandra realized who Howard was talking about she said that she knows him and he's a doll. Vinnie was on the phone a few seconds later. Howard wondered why she hasn't been on Letterman's show lately. Vinnie said that people don't go on his show often to promote shows that are on other networks. Howard told Vinnie that Sandra wants to go on the show and they're not asking her. Vinnie told Howard that he hasn't been on the show in three years. Howard said that's his choice and they're calling him all the time. Vinnie continued to say that they don't promote stuff on other networks. Howard knew he was full of crap and ended up hanging up on him. Howard said if Sandra was on the show he'd tune in to watch. Sandra said she was a little shocked about what Vinnie was saying. She said she was on when he was on NBC without anything to plug at all.
Howard got back to the Elizabeth Smart thing and talked about that for a couple of minutes. Howard gave Sandra a few more plugs for the show and Sandra started to wonder why Leno doesn't have her on to plug the show because it's an NBC show. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that and took a break.
Heather's First Lesbian Experience. 8/7/01. 6:45am
(Edited out) Jessica Hahn called in to talk about how much fun Playmates like to have. She heard this woman's (Heather) story and told Howard that when she's gone to the Playboy mansion she's seen how the Playmates just love to have fun for one night and move on. Jessica also told Howard that she slept with Hugh Hefner when she hung out at the mansion about 10 years ago. She told Howard how Hef comforted her and how nice his skin was. She also said he was very good in bed.
Alanis Morissette Performs Live In The Studio. 05/19/04. 7:40am
Howard had Alanis Morissette in the studio when he came back from break. They had her all set up to perform her song live. Howard said he was glad to finally get her on the show. Alanis said that she was glad to be there. Howard talked to her about her new song where she says ''Asshole'' in the song and no one would play it on the air.
Howard asked Alanis about the song she wrote that had been rumored to have been about Dave Coulier who she did date for a while. Alanis said that she hasn't said who it was about. She said that she may reveal who it was about some day but she wasn't saying it was Dave. Howard said he never gets that worked up about someone and doesn't write songs about it. Alanis said he talks about it on the air though so that's his outlet.
Howard asked Alanis about her love life as well. She's dating someone now by the name of Ryan Reynolds. She and Howard went over that for a short time and then Howard asked her about how her parents put her in show business at an early age. She said that she believes that parents who put her kids in show business like that are abusing their kids. Howard asked her about how long she's been in psycho therapy. She said it's been many years so Howard figured it was because of her parents making her perform like a monkey.
Alanis was on a show called ''You Can't Do That On Television'' as a child and it wasn't really a kids show. She said that it was supposed to be kid humor but there was a lot of adult humor in it. She was on that show for 2 years. Howard wondered if she felt bad for the people who got ''slimed'' on that show. She said she kind of liked it.
Howard and Robin wondered if she was also forced into the singing career. They were going over a lot of other things at the same time and found out she started dating at the age of 12. She said she only lasted about 3 days with her first boyfriend. She didn't lose her virginity until later in her teens but she was sexually active from the age of 14. Alanis said the first guy she had intercourse with was Dave Coulier. She was only 19 at the time and he was in his mid 30's. She has dated older guys quite a bit. She said when she was 17 she dated a guy who was around Howard's age. Howard read that at the age of 14 she dated a record executive guy. She said she was actually 15 and the guy was in his 20's. Howard said that's kind of scandalous.
Howard talked to Alanis about how she ran off to India after her first hit album. Howard said he hates India and would never go. Robin went there and got out of there within 48 hours because it was so horrible there. They also talked about dating and how hard it would be for Howard to date someone like Alanis who might get more attention than him.
Howard took a few phone calls for Alanis before having her perform her songs. He gave her a plug for her new album ''So Called Chaos'' which is out today. One phone caller asked Alanis when she met Dave Coulier. He thought she met him when she was on ''You Can't Do That On Television'' but she met him much later. Alanis also revealed that she experimented with a woman at one point because she felt it was a rite of passage but she discovered that she's heterosexual. Howard had to dig deeper into that and asked her if the woman was famous. She would not say who it was of course. Howard wondered how she approached the woman. She said she ''loved it'' at the time but she prefers her boyfriend. She said that it was good for her but there are other things to experience and she just moved on. She wasn't freaked out by it either.
Howard took a few more phone calls and let some people ask Alanis some questions. Howard then had Alanis perform a couple of songs. She first performed ''Head over Feet'' with just a couple of guitar players backing her up. Howard talked to her about the song when she was done. She said the song was written in about 25 minutes. She said when she sings the song now it's about Ryan but at the time it was written it was about a friend of hers. They also talked about the many times Alanis was turned down by record companies and how she now looks at those people and just smiles. She sold a ridiculous amount of albums and that can only bring a smile to her face.
Howard talked to Alanis about the money she's made and how she's spent some of it. Howard talked to her for a few more minutes and then had Alanis perform another song. This time she performed ''Ironic.'' Howard said he was moved by that song when she was done. Artie goofed on him for crying over that one.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Alanis about her song writing. She says she can't play guitar very well, just well enough to write songs. Howard gave her another plug for her album ''So Called Chaos'' and wondered if she would vote for Bush if she could. She said she doesn't think that she would vote for him, she would like to vote with the Green Party but that might screw things up. Howard convinced her that it would be best to vote for John Kerry.
Howard wanted Alanis to perform her new song ''Everything'' live for them but there was some controversy over the use of the word asshole. Gary went to check to find out if she was allowed to use the word on air. He came back a few seconds later and said Tom was shaking his head ''no'' to the use of the word. Howard and the guys came up with some alternate words she could use. They suggested stuff like bunghole, basshole, ass bowl and others. She decided to go with ''ass bowl'' and as soon as she said it she started to laugh so hard she had to start the song over again. She started the song over and used the word again but kept it together this time. She completed the song and Howard asked her about the lyrics and about her relationship with her boyfriend. Howard told her it was a beautiful song and he wishes her luck on finding everything she sings about in the song because men are skunks. He thinks that she may have to be with a woman to find that.
Howard asked Alanis about other performers like Jewel who changed her image and made herself over completely. Alanis didn't know enough about her new music to comment on that though. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and thanked Alanis and her two guitar players for coming in and performing for them.
Gary came in and told Howard about their ''mystery guest'' who they had coming in. Howard and the guys all had to put on their blindfolds to make sure they didn't know who it was. They all took turns asking questions to try and figure out who he was. They took a few minutes to figure out it was Tim Allen. Fred was the one who came up with the right answer.
Tim talked about Howard's book and how much he liked that. He told Howard he liked the comments he made about his wife not buying him apples when he didn't have time to do it himself and he almost got into an argument with his own wife about the same thing.
Howard said he liked Tim's book and talked about how he stuck with his wife just like he has. Howard asked Tim about working with Pam Anderson and if she ever wanted him. Tim said she didn't.
Howard said that Tim did a great job with his TV show beating Seinfeld and some other big shows. Howard asked if he's nervous about taking on the other shows. Tim said they're nervous all the time.
Howard asked Tim about his drug arrest and use. Tim said he got involved in dealing drugs. He said that's what he got arrested over. He said he was making money doing that in college and he thought things were going really well.
Howard said he did something worse than selling drugs and got into advertising sales. He said he got freaked out about the business and started doing that because he was making $12,000 a year to start.
Tim talked about being in prison for 3 years and how tough that was. Tim said he didn't think he was going to do any time but his lawyer told him he probably would. Tim said he went and did an open mic night before he got sentenced and then he got sent away.
Tim told Howard about how he didn't think anyone would bring up the drug arrest since it happened 20 years ago. He said he didn't think anyone would care. He was wrong of course. Howard said that guy Roc is doing just fine and he killed someone.
Tim said he was able to stay out of trouble in prison by being funny. Howard asked if he was in Detroit. He said he was sent to Minnesota to prison so he and his ''rap partners'' wouldn't be in the same prisons. Howard said he was a DJ in Detroit for a while and he hated it.
Howard asked Tim about not being able to have sex in prison for 3 years. Tim said he had to pleasure himself for that time. Tim said he ended up in a big cell with a bunch of guys for a while. Then he got moved up to his own cell and that was a big deal. He said he called home to let his family know that he had moved up to the cell like it was big news.
Tim talked about how crazy some of the drug arrests are. He said he knew some guys who were in prison for 7 years for having an ounce of pot on them. He said there's another kid who got life for having a bunch of pot. He said he's still in touch with that guy and he's working with him trying to help.
Gary came in and told Howard that Tim's publicist just left because it was time for him to leave. Howard spent a little more time talking to Tim and his wife who had come in the studio. She claimed she had laryngitis but she may have been saying that to get out of talking. They wrapped up a short time later.
In the clip we heard Tiny Tim calling Robin ''Robin Givens'' like so many people have mistakenly done. Howard corrected him and let Tim get in some thanks to some people he had worked with.
Howard then asked Tim about the way he keeps his skin looking so good. Tiny talked about the way he cleans his face and told him all of the details about his techniques. Tim also talked about the raw apples he eats and how he eats prunes and cuts down on the amount of food he eats. He had breath savers for breakfast.
Tiny talked about the kind of bottled water he enjoyed. He also said that there is germs in the system of water and the bottled waters are excellent to avoid that.
Tim said that he hasn't missed a shower since December 20, 1989. He said he always takes one shower every 24 hours but this one day he was with Miss Jan and she tempted him into bed that day and he had missed his opportunity for that 24 hour time period.
Howard asked Tim about taking ''spruce up'' showers. Tim said when nature calls he has to do that sometimes. Tim said that when you get hemorrhoids you get them from meats and cheeses that ball up like gum in your system. He said they come from trying to squeeze them out. That's why he avoids that kind of food. Tim said that one must always use raw apples, dried figs, prunes and more. He said that cracked what bread and things like that also help. He said you must eat fiber.
Tim said he always washes with soap and water after using the bathroom. He said he will cleanse with creams in that area and when it's clean, he still uses hemorrhoid cream in a green tube to keep them away.
Robin asked Tim if he exercises. Tim said he really doesn't. Howard asked if he could touch his hand to feel how soft they were. Tim stuck his hand out and Howard said it really was very soft. Tim talked about using lotion on his whole body and told them that's how he keeps his skin so nice.
Tim asked if he could have a beer so Howard had Gary get him one. Howard said that Tim's wife Miss Vicky was in there talking about how their marriage was a farce. Howard said he thinks that Tiny denies that. Tim said she claimed he had men in the room too and that's just not true either.
Tim talked about how he doesn't believe in fooling around with himself. He said he thinks that it should be saved for marriage. Howard said they've learned that from him before.
Tiny talked about how he's never been attracted to men but he does feel for those people who do. Tim said Miss Vicky was wrong about them not having ''s.e.x.'' because they did have it on the third day of their marriage. Tim said he felt it was right to wait that long and on December 21, 1969 he and Vicky had sex at the Kings Inn in the Bahamas.
Tim said he's very fast in bed and he really didn't know what he was doing that first time. He said he really did enjoy it of course. Tim said she got pregnant but lost the baby after 5 months. Tim said he had the baby buried even though they wanted to throw the baby away. Tim said he really loved her back then and didn't have any men in the room like she claimed. He said he would like her to name the names of the men she claims were in there with him.
Tim said he always uses Depends underwear. He said he uses them instead of underwear because it's nice and sanitary. He said the only thing he doesn't like are the ones without the hook on them. He said he'd like the ones that they make for kids that you just steep into. He said he really doesn't have a problem but he likes to use them because they are so sanitary. Howard said this is amazing to him. He must have a germ phobia if he's into this kind of thing. Tiny said he would like them just like the kids have so you can just pull them up.
Howard said he's sure there are things he hasn't even hit on in this interview but he had to wrap up. He said he may have to try the Depends himself. Howard asked if he's embarrassed to show that kind of thing in front of his fiancee. Tiny said he hasn't gotten naked in front of her yet. He said that won't happen until after they marry.
Howard said he bets that Tiny doesn't even kiss because of the germs. Tim said he tries not to. He said that they are very religious and they spend a lot of time praying. Howard asked if he's even seen her breasts. Tim said he hasn't. He hasn't even seen her in a bathing suit. Tim said that she will have to wait 3 nights before they do have sex.
Howard asked Gary to bring in some more beer for Tiny. He told him to bring in a couple so he could ask him some more questions about his marriage.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Tiny about his life and some of the wacky stuff he does. Howard said Tiny Tim has more going on around him than anyone on the planet. He said it was all very confusing. They went to break a short time later.
Today's Dr. Stern special was over around 11:25am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:30am.