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Enrique Iglesias Performs Live. 6/8/00. 8:10am
Latin singer Enrique Iglesias came in to prove to Howard that he can actually sing this morning. When Enrique walked in even Howard was taken by his looks. Robin gave him a ''Wow!'' when she saw him and Howard told him he was a good looking guy. Howard wanted to build up to Enrique singing so he spent a few minutes talking to him about his life. He brought up Enrique's father Julio and said that he read that Julio was jealous of his son. Enrique said that wasn't true. Howard heard that when Enrique told his father that he outsells him 3 to 1, Julio refused to accept that and got very competitive with him. Enrique said that it's a healthy competition and that his father couldn't be jealous of his own son.
Howard also learned that Enrique was raised by his mother from the age of 4 to 8 and was then brought to the United States by his father. He was then raised by his nanny. Howard asked him if he ever got laid by his nanny but Enrique just laughed. He didn't want to talk much about his sex life. Howard then tried to find out about all of the famous women his father has loved before. The only name that really came up was Diana Ross. Enrique didn't really remember seeing any other women around the house with his father.
Howard moved ahead and brought up this controversial tape that he's been playing for the past few days. Enrique said that he hadn't heard the tape yet so Howard played it for him. Howard told him that if he wasn't able to sing today that his Grammy might be taken away from him and his $30 million record contract might be in trouble. Enrique listened and laughed as Howard played the tape for him. He joked that he thought it was a pretty good performance. He told Howard that it's possible that it was him. He said he may have just been screwing around having fun but that's not how he sings for real. He also said that it may have been a lip syncing situation where he couldn't hear himself and it just messed him up. He listened to it a couple of times to try and recognize himself but he still wasn't sure. Howard asked him if he's pissed that someone would tape him and put it out like this. Enrique said that it pisses him off because no matter how popular you are, there's always ''...some prick out there trying to pull you down.''
Enrique's guitar player, Tony Bruno, came in and prepared to play the music while Enrique sang. Howard first went to a camera that was down on the street where a bunch of the press were waiting to come on the show. He told them that none of them are coming up. Howard did allow a fan to come in. She wanted to meet Enrique and she just about fainted when she came in the studio. She yelled and screamed for a minute until Howard told her to shut up and sit in the corner.
Howard made sure that there were no ''gadgets'' or any voice changing things around for Enrique. Fred played a drum roll and Enrique performed a short bit of his song ''Rhythm Divine'' which is the same song that he sings on the bad tape. He was able to sing the song better than on the controversial tape but he was still off key a little bit. Howard and Robin were both impressed that he was able to sing it better than on the tape. Enrique also performed a bit of his new single ''Be With You'' from his album ''Enrique''.
After singing it the right way he sang it like it was done on the tape that Howard had. It definitely sounds exactly him singing on that tape Howard has been playing. Enrique was just having fun doing all of this. Howard went back to the camera that was down on the street and spoke to some guy who was holding a ''Enrique Sucks'' sign. He told Howard that Enrique gave him the finger when he saw him earlier. Enrique said that of course he did that. He didn't need to see that as he was going in to Howard's building.
Some people were still saying that Enrique wasn't hitting the high notes in the song that he sang. Stuttering John and some phone callers all said that he wasn't that good. Howard thought that he'd proven himself already and that it was ridiculous for these people to say that. Enrique then went ahead and sang the song once again.
Howard was ready to end the segment but Enrique said he was having fun so he kept him on a little longer. Howard got a call from his friend Shaun Robinson from ''Access Hollywood'' who he met on a flight from New York to Los Angeles recently. She was calling in trying to get her producer on the show this morning. Howard had told the woman earlier that he wasn't allowing the press up to the studio so they called Shaun and told her to try and get them in. After a couple of minutes talking to her Howard figured out what she was trying to do and got off the phone.
A few more fans of Enrique's were allowed in the studio before he left. It was the women who were defending him earlier in the show. They spent a few minutes letting Howard goof on them for being such wacky fans. One girl was 19 and Howard told her she was getting a little old to be doing this. Another chick had left her husband and kids behind at home while she chases Enrique around.
Finally, Howard's board operator Luis came in because he claimed that he could sing better than Enrique. Enrique challenged him to sing with him and he accepted. Enrique started the song and Luis tried to sing the high notes. He was unable to do it and his voice cracked a few times. It wasn't as easy as he thought. Howard told Enrique that he could keep his Grammy and ended the segment.
After a commercial break Howard came back and had reporter Chaunce Hayden on the phone. He was saying that Enrique sucked and didn't hit those high notes. He wanted to know why Howard was defending him. Howard told him that Enrique proved that he sings on his own album and that's all they wanted to prove. They wanted to see if he was another Milli Vanilli and he wasn't. Howard said that he may not be the greatest singer in the world but he definitely sings on his own album. Chaunce was just trying to make a story out of something that's not a story anymore. Other people were coming in saying that Enrique wasn't that good but it didn't matter to Howard. He continued to tell them that all he wanted Enrique to prove was that he's the one on the album... and that's what he did.
This clip wasn't in my archives. In the clip Robin was reading a news story about something called whirlpooling where people swirl around a girl in a pool and try to get her bathing suit off. Gilbert Gottfried was sitting in and goofing around doing his ''black voice'' as if he were one of the kids doing the whirlpooling. Howard got in on that as well. The two of them kept up their impressions as Robin was trying to read her news.
Howard had Gilbert cracking up as he was doing his impression. Robin tried to keep the news moving along but Howard and Gilbert made it very hard on her. They were both cracking up and making fun of that story. They went to break after a couple of minutes of that.
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This clip wasn't in my archives. In the clip Howard and Robin were talking about how much Stuttering John enjoys being there on the show. They were talking about how they'd like to mix it up with some people other than John for the celebrity interviews.
Howard said that he didn't want to hurt John by giving other people jobs. John said that he does a good job for the TV show and he doesn't understand why he would be replaced.
Howard had the guys bring in the Tourette's guy that they had there. Howard was calling him John's replacement. The guy came in and said that he plays in a band just like John does. Howard said that this guy has some ticks and stuff so that would be good for the TV show. Robin wasn't sure he was for real but the guy claimed that he had paperwork proving that it's a real thing.
Howard asked the Tourette's guy how old he is and things like that. He was just 19 years old. Howard said ''Jackpot!'' after talking to him for a minute. Howard told John to come in and check this out because he had a guy jumping through the roof like jelly beans.
The Tourette's guy said that he had just broken up with his girlfriend recently. Howard said he was moving around a lot and wondered if he does that in the bedroom. Then he told Robin that she might want to have him in her bed. Tourette's guy said that this thing hit him around the age of 12. Howard said that maybe it's hormonal or something. Robin said that it is based on that.
Howard asked the guy if he drives. He said that he does but he had a buddy with him in the car. Robin asked if he has a whole combined thing where he just keeps going for a straight minute. He said it doesn't get that bad.
Howard kept asking the guy to watch his language because there were some words that sounded like they might be curse words. Howard said that this guy was a real good looking guy so that's the one thing he had going for him. The guy said that if he thinks about it he won't do it so that can help.
Howard said that this guy dresses like a rock star. He said he reminds him of someone but he's not sure who. Robin said that she was thinking the same thing.
Tourette's guy was looking for a girlfriend. He said that his girlfriend wasn't happy with him not working. Howard told him that he can try to find him a new girlfriend or maybe call the ex on the air. The guy said that he'd think about whether or not he wanted to try and get her back.
Tourette's guy said that he can kind of control his ticks if he really thinks about it hard. Howard asked him what he plays in his band. The guy said that he plays guitar. Howard figured he must do some of those moves on stage. The guy said that he can kind of keep that under control.
Howard started doing an impression of the guy making his noises. Tourette's guy said that he knew they were going to do that. Howard was imitating him trying to get him to do that stuff even more. Fred was throwing in some dog barking sounds as the guy was hooting.
Robin pointed out that he was using the N-word a bit. The guys weren't hearing it but Robin said she heard it right from the time he came in. As soon as she brought that up Tourette's guy said the N-word and some other racist things. He said that he's really not prejudiced, he just can't control that stuff sometimes. Howard threw out some other terms trying to get him to repeat them.
Howard found out that the guy can't control the N-word and he'll just start saying it when he sees a black person. Howard had some fun with that. Howard told the guy that he was a load of fun and he'd be a great replacement for Stuttering John. Tourette's guy said that they could pay him half of what they pay John and he'd do it. Howard said that would be great.
Howard asked the guy if he would have a problem asking celebrities questions. The guy said he could do that no problem. Howard told him that his first job was going to be interviewing Stuttering John and asking him how it felt to meet his replacement. Howard came up with a few more questions for him to ask after that.
Howard finally asked the guy what his first name was. It was Don. Howard gave him some more questions to ask Stuttering John. Don was kind of cursing but trying to suppress the words so they didn't have to hit the delay.
Howard told Don to ask John about the job and about what it felt like meeting his replacement. Then he told him to ask for directions to WWOR (Channel 9) so he could replace him on the TV show. Howard told him to ask John for his phone number in case he had any questions for him. Howard was cracking up as he was telling him to do that. Howard had to turn off Don's microphone because he was cursing too much. He was running out of delay trying to keep up with it.
Howard said that he was kind of able to get this guy going with the barking and stuff. Don said that he could kind of control it.
After an edited out break Howard was talking about what a decent guy this Don seemed to be. Howard was talking to Robin about that when Don started to blurt out some more stuff. Howard said he had the tape of him blurting out the N-word. Robin said that he said ''nigger-spic-coon'' to her when she walked into the studio during the commercial break. She said that he apologized to her for that. Howard missed it and said that Don should really save that stuff for on the air.
Don was saying the N-word over and over again after they brought it up. Howard told Don to never look at himself as afflicted. He told him that he's just entertainment. Howard asked John what he thinks of this guy. John came in and said that he thinks he's great. He didn't stick around though. He walked in and walked out. Howard said John predicted this when he said that if they had someone better come along they'd replace him. Howard said he was right.
Howard said he heard that John was really wigged out in the office. Robin said that he really was freaked out by the whole thing. She said he was saying he can't believe how fast things can change. Howard was still doing his impressions of Don and told Robin that he's been saying the N-word quite a bit in there. Howard said that he told Don that he's the whitest white man he's ever seen and he's no N-word.
Howard said this is like being in the middle of Jackie's negotiations and having Neil Simon walking in and saying that he wants to replace him. Howard said that he was very happy to have met Don.
Howard gave Jackie some plugs and Don ended up getting some plugs for his band as well. He was in a band called ''Night School'' but Robin and Howard thought that they should change the name to ''The Handi-Caps'' since their keyboard player was blind.
Howard sent Don out to interview Stuttering John. He wanted to see how he was going to do as an interviewer. He gave him a list of questions to ask. Don went off to the back office and went through the questions. Don asked:
Howard had Don come back into the studio so he could talk to him. Then he had John come into the studio so he could talk to him too. Howard said that John was all upset out there and making people feel uncomfortable. John said that he didn't have a problem. Howard said he heard that John wasn't answering the phones and he wasn't talking to anyone. John said that's not true. He said he thinks that Don is great.
Don asked why he doesn't stutter a lot. John said that he must be cured. Howard asked John if he can't hire anymore interns. John said it's fine but his boots aren't even cold yet.
Yucko The Clown Still Looking For The Sniper. 10/16/02. 8:05am
Late in the show yesterday Yucko the Clown called in and said that he was heading to Maryland to call out this Tarot Card Sniper. This morning he called in and said he was in Maryland but he got chased out of one gas station he was at so he was on the move to find another one. He said he's got a big bullseye he's carrying around just waiting for this ''big, pussy, faggot'' sniper. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Yucko while Yucko was being hassled by some people that were bugging him on the streets there.
Howard took a break and Yucko called back in. He said he was getting freaked out by the whole situation down there for some reason. Howard told Yucko to call them back once he gets shot. For updates on Yucko's location check out the DamnShow.com web site.
Sparks Fly When Roseanne Comes In. 9/30/99. 8:50am
Talk show host Roseanne came in to promote her show and her band(!) this morning but it turned into quite a show when Howard got her ex-husband Tom Arnold on the phone. Howard started off talking about how thin Roseanne has gotten since getting a gastric bypass where they shrunk her stomach size. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Roseanne about various things like how she's having problems having sex with her husband because of her germ phobia. She's seeing a psychiatrist about her problems but hasn't had sex in about 6 months. She says men are full of germs and stink and ''stuff comes out of them'' and that's why she won't have sex with them. Eventually Tom Arnold's name came up. Howard asked Roseanne why she hates him so much. She said that she doesn't really hate him but she's mad at him for some things he's done. It took a few minutes but Howard finally got Roseanne to agree to let him get Tom on the phone. She wasn't going to talk to him but that only lasted for about half a second. Shortly after that they were arguing about a lot of things. Roseanne said that Tom told a friend of hers that he stole $2 Million of her money and had it in a shoe box. Tom denied that the whole time he was on. She told Howard that she'd be willing to forgive him if he just apologized for the things he did to her. She said he used to hit her and he denied it. She said he stole money from her.. He denied it. This went on for quite a while and Tom eventually gave a general apology for anything he's done wrong but he wouldn't do it for the things she brought up today. He did say that he'd be willing to take a lie detector test to prove he's not lying. Roseanne said she'd send in the deposition where Tom allegedly admitted to hitting her. Howard wondered why either of them would get married again after such a bad marriage. Howard eventually had to move on so he brought up Roseanne's band ''Roseanne and the Bar Flys.'' He had a clip of her singing but it was really awful. Howard said he's never heard singing like that. Roseanne said that it's one of her alter-ego's that does the singing. She said it's Candy the 12 year old. She's actually appearing at CBGB's in New York City tonight at 11pm to sing. Roseanne's TV show can be seen daily on various TV stations around the country.
This clip wasn't in my archives. In the clip Howard had Bobby Vinton in the studio to do an interview. Howard talked to Bobby for a few minutes about his career. Bobby said that he was building himself a theater and he's been looking to retire after 30 years in the business.
Howard asked how many hit records he had. Bobby said that it was 20. Bobby said that he could retire but there wouldn't be anything to do if he did. Howard figured he was worth a couple of million but Bobby told him that he has a ranch for sale that he was asking $20 million for.
Howard asked Bobby about his wife and then brought up his singing of the National Anthem and how he screwed that up. Howard said he'd play that and also play the Carl Lewis version that was also screwed up. He played Bobby's performance first. Bobby was saying that he screwed it up because of the delay that he was hearing in the stadium he was performing in.
Howard played the Carl Lewis performance after that. Howard said that Carl was singing at a Nets game when he screwed up the song. Bobby said that he started too high in the song and it's hard to do that when you don't know what note to start out with. Bobby said that the song is very hard to sing too.
Howard had Bobby singing some ''Blue Velvet'' for them. Bobby told Howard that the song was a hit in England the year before because it was used in a commercial. Howard said he heard that David Lynch wanted to use his song in the movie ''Blue Velvet'' and Bobby gave him the okay to do it but he had no idea what the movie was going to be about. Bobby said that Lynch told him that he used that song to shock people and it worked.
Howard asked Bobby to sing some more but Bobby said his throat was hurting him. Howard asked Bobby about some of his songs and talked about how he's still getting paid for those songs that he wrote so long ago. Howard and Bobby spent a few more minutes talking before they wrapped up and ended the interview.
Snoop Dogg And Tha Eastsidaz Come In. 7/31/01. 8:55am
Rapper Snoop Dogg and his buddies Tha Eastsidaz came in to promote their new album ''Duces N Trayz...Old Fashioned''
Gary came in and told Howard that the guys were out in the green room with the door shut smokin' some weed before they came in. Howard spoke to the guys about what kind of pot they're into right now and they told him it's called ''Purple'' or something like that. Snoop told Howard that whenever they go to a radio station they smoke to ''mark their territory'' like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant.
Snoop also talked to Howard about his pimping and how he keeps in touch with his ''bitches'' through the internet also. He said since he can't hit them with his shoe, like he's said in the past, he said he has to hit them with some megahertz instead.
Howard brought in a drug counselor to see if he could talk to the guys about their pot smoking but it was a pointless conversation. Even the drug counselor knew that he couldn't stop these guys from smoking. He told them that they're looked up to by young kids and maybe they shouldn't be doing it but Snoop made a good point. He told the guy that he's not responsible for raising other people's kids so it ain't his problem. He said he chooses not to smoke in front of his own kids but he knows he won't be able to control them once they get old enough.
Snoop's 77 year old uncle Junebug was also there. Uncle Junebug said that he smokes pot with Snoop once in a while and he's been smoking since he was about 3 or 4 years old. Snoop said he started when he was about 16 and he didn't like it back then.
Howard ended up talking to the guys in Tha Eastsidaz about their lives in gangs and in jail among other things. One of the guys has been in a gang since he was 9 years old. A couple of Tha Eastsidaz have been to jail and even been shot so Howard talked to them about that for a little while also. One guy told Howard how he can make a weapon with just about anything. He said he can even make a gun out of a magazine with zippers and buttons as shrapnel.
Snoop was also promoting his new clothing line that's available in stores now and he's even got sneakers called Fizzles coming out. You can find out about all of that at his web site SnoopDoggRadio.com. You can also visit Eastsidaz.com for more info on those guys.
Howard played a clip from the new CD and took a couple of quick phone calls as he wrapped up the segment.
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Talking Garbage With King Of All Blacks. 3/22/01. 7:15am
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Stuttering John's snoring and how he might get an operation to have his tonsils removed to stop the snoring. Everyone told him if he stopped drinking and lost some weight he wouldn't have the problems he does. They also talked about the prescription drugs he takes for his OCD.
After all of that nonsense Howard moved on to talk to King of all Blacks. King, a garbage man, brought in a bunch of garbage for Howard and the rest of the crew to check out. He had 4 cans of stuff and he wanted them to figure out if it was from a Spanish, Jewish, White or Black family. He showed the first can and told everyone that it contained pieces of wood, beer bottles (Budweiser), CD jewel cases and some other crap. No one guessed right so KoaB told them it was from a Hispanic family.
The second can contained coffee grinds, flavored seltzer water, lettuce, diet Coke, grapefruit, port wine, calendars and old newspapers. Howard guessed that it was from a Jewish home but it was from a plain old white family... white trash.
The third can contained corn flakes, Dunkin Donuts muffins, Entenmanns cakes, chips ahoy, Chinese food, flour and grape juice. This was from a Jewish family.
The final can was from a black family so Howard just had KoaB tell them what was in the can. It had a mayonnaise container, syrup, hot dogs, soda (not diet), butter and grape jelly among other things.
Howard spent a couple of minutes taking phone calls and talking to King about some of the things that go on picking up garbage.
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Martin Lawrence Comes In. 1/14/03. 8:20am
Actor Martin Lawrence came in to promote his new movie ''National Security'' this morning. Howard had to rush through the interview because Martin had to leave at 8:40. He started off asking Martin how much he's making doing movies these days. Martin said he wasn't talking money though. He ended up asking Robin what she's doing behind the glass instead. Howard asked Martin about the jewelry he was wearing and about the movies he's done lately. Martin talked about some of the movies he's done that didn't do so well too. Howard also asked Martin about the crazy stuff that went on a few years ago. Martin claims that it was some weed that he was smoking that made him go nuts back then. Howard said he has smoked weed out in California and it does seem to be different than what he'd smoked before. Martin said he may have had some herb the day he decided to jog in a plastic suit. He ended up passing out after that. Martin was apparently using the s-word quite a bit during the interview so Howard asked him to stop because people wouldn't be able to hear the show. Martin said ''good'' after he told him that.
Howard asked Martin about owning guns but Martin tried to avoid answering the question directly.
Martin talked about having problems with weed in the past but now he's doing okay. He said he's still in the game though and he's doing okay. He talked about having a wife even though he's not married to the girl. Howard told him not to say that he's married to her if he's not though. Martin talked about his woman a bit and wouldn't let Howard bad mouth any of his buddies like Eddie Murphy. He kept cursing though so Howard asked him if he was doing it on purpose or not. He said it was just the natural environment he was in. He and Howard talked about Eddie Murphy a bit but Martin asked Howard to please not talk about him. Howard tried to find out who Martin hangs out with these days. He said he hangs out with people he grew up with.
Howard also asked Martin about being in a coma and what happened during that nightmare. Martin said it was some of the best sleep he ever got. He said when he woke up he had a catheter in his ''piece.'' Howard moved on to read some of the other stuff he had on Martin. They pulled some of the wacky stuff they have printed in the tabloids about him. Martin tried to convince Howard that not all of that stuff is true though.
Howard got back to the movie Martin was supposed to be plugging this morning. They talked about that a little bit and about his kids. Howard tried to get Martin to talk about the feud he had with Eddie Murphy but Martin didn't want to go there. Howard said he knows there was something going on between them at one point but Martin didn't want to talk about it. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that.
This segment wasn't in my archives. In the clip Howard was trying to do the show but there was a lot of noise coming from outside from the workers there. Howard talked about Gary's teeth and how he really has to clean them better to keep the stink away. Howard talked about his dentist and how he saved his teeth.
Howard talked to Gary about not brushing correctly and how he needs to learn to clean them better. Gary said he's never had any complaints from the women he's been with. Howard said that Gary's breath is incredible. Gary said that's just not true.
Gary said that he can't believe that Howard and Robin are having so much fun with this. Howard told him he really needs to get some mouth wash. Howard also said that it's really sad when your mouth is your smelliest orifice.
Howard told Gary that if he learned to do the right thing with his teeth and gums, his breath would be fresh in weeks. Gary said that he really doesn't think that it's that bad. Howard said it's so bad that it's famous. He said he would make and appointment for him under a fake name if he was going to go.
Howard said that even Joe Walsh laughs at his breath. Howard said he's smelled tukas better than Gary's breath. Howard, Jackie and Robin were all picking on Gary and saying that it's like he's talking out of his tukas. Everyone was laughing and Gary eventually got upset and said it was all a joke until that day. Robin told him that the smoking breath is really bad. She said that he should know that at least.
Howard said that he spends 15 minutes on his teeth when he's brushing his at night. Howard said he might get Gary an appointment for his birthday. His birthday was 9 months away though.
Howard said that Gary smells like he's backing into him. He said that homosexuals smell his breath and go into heat. Howard said he tries to help Gary out and that's why he's telling him all of this. He said that's why they did it in such a nice way.
Howard apologized to Gary for goofing on him. Gary said that he wasn't that upset about it. Howard asked Gary to bring some people in from the construction crew to ask them to smell his breath.
Gary brought a guy in and asked him if he knew the show. The guy did know Howard so Howard told him that Gary was the guy in the blue shirt. Then he told him he wanted him to smell his breath. The guy said ''Oh my god...'' Howard told him that his breath might be pretty bad.
Howard asked Gary to say ''Hello boss'' to the guy in his face. The guy said that he did need mouthwash. Howard asked how bad it was on a scale of 1 to 10. The worker said that it was an 8 if 10 was the worst. Howard asked Gary if he was getting the hint now. Gary said he did.
Later in that show Howard said he wanted to call Gary's girlfriend and ask her if she's smelling this stuff too. Howard said that his breath could take up the whole morning. He said that everyone must know someone with bad breath. He tried calling Gary's girlfriend but he was having phone problems.
Then he picked up on his mother Ray. She told him that he had hit a new low with that breath discussion. She said that she's never smelled anything like that around Gary. She said that if Howard had someone doing that to him he would hit the ceiling. Howard told her that he smells like a sewer.
Ray told Robin that she was going down the wrong road with this stuff too. Robin was laughing through the call. Ray told Howard not to cut her off. She thought that he was doing that to her and told him not to cut her off. Howard said that he wasn't cutting her off and he wasn't able to hold the button down on her. She told him to just do it.
Howard told his mother that if Stevie Wonder was walking by Gary, he'd end up putting a quarter in his nose and relive himself in his nose. Howard asked his mom if she's ever had a friend who smelled bad. Ray said that she knows that Gary isn't smelly.
Howard told Gary that he loves the way he works on the show. Ray was still going off on him about the way he was treating Gary. Howard said that his mother won't even let him get an earring. She said that was the one thing she asked him not to do and he's giving her a hard time about it.
Howard told his mother that he had to get a bigger office so he wouldn't have to breathe in Gary's breath anymore. She couldn't believe that he was still on this subject. Ray said that if anyone did that to Howard, he'd be very upset. Ray said that she'd get upset if she was Gary's mother too.
Howard said that he hears his mother getting knocked down on the phone and they need to fix the equipment there. Ray asked Howard to stop complaining about that stuff. She said there really wasn't a problem. Howard said that he's been throwing his weight around there a lot complaining about stuff. He said it doesn't do much good though. Howard let his mommy go and said that she's a pain in the neck. He said that's what he had to deal with when he was growing up. He said that even when he puts food in his mouth he hears that woman's voice in his head.
Robin's Birthday Celebration. 8/7/98. 9:55am
Tomorrow is Robin's birthday, she'll be 46. Howard got her a nice solid gold necklace which cost him about $3000! After Robin accepted her gift Gary announced that Robin's family was waiting in the green room. Robin had invited them up to visit with her this weekend. Robin's parents were there along with her older brother, his wife and son. Howard spoke to some of her family for a few minutes and found out that Robin would be showing them around the city today. They're going to a play and to see Robin's horses. The one weird is the fact that Robin was sending her family out to lunch while she goes to the gym after the show.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 11:55am.
This was not in my archives. In the clip Howard had the guys bring in Ralph who had lost a bet to Dominic Barbara and he had to dress up like a woman and go out on the streets dressed up like that. Ralph was already dressed up as a woman and Howard said he looked like Milton Berle or The Joker.
Gary said that Ralph was out in the hallway picking through his bag like a girl. He came walking in a few seconds later and Jackie kept saying ''Oh my god!'' over and over again. Howard also had this Fabian guy come in with Ralph. Fabian helped make Ralph up.
Howard said that Ralph was out on the town and he looked like he was a pain in the ass. Howard said that Fabian can pull off the cross dressing thing but not Ralph. Howard said that Fabian has a feminine face.
Ralph said he knows that he's the ugliest girl. He said they were trying to help him out by suggesting what to wear for make up but it's not helping. Ralph had them check out his legs. Robin said he's really tall in the boots he was wearing.
Howard said that Fabian even knows how to talk like a girl. Robin asked if he's into guys or girls. Fabian said that he actually has a husband and he's been married for years.
Robin said that Ralph looks like all of the girls that call up and say that they're good looking. Jackie said his lipstick looked at home on Ralph's face. He seemed to think that was kind of odd.
Howard asked Fabian about doing some blue streaks in his hair. Fabian was ready to do that. Howard said he thinks that he's a much better looking woman than Ralph is. Fabian said they could make him up next time.
Howard said that Ralph went out on his own last night and he was secretly wired up to capture the audio. Howard said that Ralph was out on the streets with some hookers. Howard said they showed the video tape of him and from the back he looks like Big Bird. He said he's like Herman Munster in a dress.
Howard said Ralph got out and talked to some hookers and then a car pulled up and a guy asked Ralph some questions. Ralph didn't change his voice so it was just some dude asking ''So what do you want?'' Howard said the guy took right off when he heard his voice.
Robin said Ralph didn't look too bad in the dress as long as you don't see his face. Ralph said that Gary can't even look at him. Gary said that's because Ralph was flirting with him and it was kind of creepy. Scott Einziger came in and said he heard that Ralph kissed one of the guys on the crew. Ralph said that he was just in character and ''Super Real'' as Fabian was saying.
Howard said Ralph would look cute with Tom Chiusano. Ralph said that he was giving him the eye out in the hall. Howard had Tom come in a short time later and made the two of them a couple. Howard asked Fabian if they looked right together. Fabian said ''Of course noooot...''
Howard told Tom to imagine Fabian was his son and that he had just come back home. Tom said he's not sure who he'd kill first, himself or his son.
Howard let Tom go a short time later and said that Ralph actually went through with this bet and did his thing. Howard said he was out on the street walking around talking to hookers and he was doing good. Howard said he was like the gay Phil Donahue. Howard said the guy in the white car pulled up and then sped away.
Howard said that the cops eventually showed up and told Ralph to get out of there. Howard said they didn't know that they were doing a hidden camera thing. Ralph thought that it was a set up and told the cops ''F-you'' and pissed the cops off. Howard said that the cops got all pissed at that and told him he was going to spend the night in jail if he kept that up. Ralph started running from the cops in his heels like a horse. Howard said he was looking gorgeous the whole time of course.
Howard said Ralph ran down the street and jumped into the van. Then the cops followed him so the guys from E! had to jump out and explain to them what they were doing. The cops told them that they shouldn't have been out there doing anything.
Doug Goodstein ended up having to do the explaining to the cops. Howard asked Doug to come in and explain what happened. Doug said that they told them that they were shooting a TV show but the cops told them to get out of there. He said that the cops were busting people in the area so they didn't want them around there.
Howard had some tape of Ralph out on the street. He played the tape and explained what was going on. Howard said that he thinks Ralph was digging what was going on. They had some tape of Ralph asking the guy in the car what he wanted. He didn't change his voice much. Then Ralph was yelling at the guy when he pulled away. The guy peeled out when he was trying to get away from Ralph. Howard had another clip of a guy peeling out and leaving Ralph in the dust.
Howard played some tape of the cops coming up to bust Ralph. He said that Ralph got up and ran away after losing all of his feminine qualities. In the tape Ralph saw the cops coming and thought that the E! guys had set him up. Then the cops told him to get going and asked if he wanted to spend the night in jail. Ralph was joking around with them and didn't know that they were serious. Howard said that Ralph ran to the van and the cops started chasing him. They knew he was up to monkey business.
Howard asked Ralph what they did after that. Ralph said that he hung out on some other corners but the guys would end up running off. Howard asked if he's going back out tonight. It didn't sound like he was going to. Howard thanked Fabian for helping them out.
Howard wrapped up with Fabian and said that he'll be seeing him next week to get the blue streaks in his hair. Stuttering John told him that Dominic was on the phone so Howard picked up on him. Howard said that Dominic is still upset about Ralph's story about being molested as a child. Howard thinks that something happened in his life too but he's not talking. Dominic asked if he could get dressed up. Howard said that he'd be pretty scary dressed up like a woman.
Gary said that they had some tape of Ralph talking to another prostitute getting some tips. Howard let Dominic go and played the tape that Gary was talking about. Ralph was getting some tips on hooking. Ralph told the hooker what they were doing out there and the hooker was trying to help get him hooked up with someone. It was another guy who just peeled out when he saw Ralph. Howard said Ralph made good on his bet. He went to break a short time later.
After the edited out break Howard said he was going to have Ralph dance like Rue Paul. Ralph came in a short time later and started to dance for them to a Rue Paul song. Jackie said that he stunk of booze from the night before.
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Alice. 7/30/97. 6:20am
A woman from Hollywood California called Howard this morning. She called in to talk to Howard about being half black. She said that she has a lot in common with Howard because she grew up in a black area but felt like she didn't belong there.
Alice said that she doesn't want to live in a black area because she's been treated so poorly in her life. She said that she's part black but they don't treat her very well.
Howard asked Alice if she's a good looking woman. Alice said that she thinks she. Howard asked if she's light skinned like Vanessa Williams. Alice said she might be lighter than her. Alice said that she's so light that people have made fun of her being so light skinned black. Howard told her she has to come down there and visit.
Howard told Alice she kind of talks like a black woman. Alice said that's because she's from the south. Howard wondered why she wouldn't try to change that if she didn't like black people. Alice said there's not much she can do about that.
Alice talked about the FCC and the radio station that took him off in Texas. Alice was also telling Howard she wishes that he were her boyfriend.
Howard asked Alice about what she thinks about people like OJ Simpson. She almost cursed when she heard his name mentioned. She said she hates that guy. She wasn't a fan of Mike Tyson's either. She didn't seem to like any of the black guys that Howard mentioned to her. Alice said she's more into Howard and Brad Pitt than any of those guys. Howard told Alice she just needs some black history lessons and she'll learn to love her people. He let her go a short time later.
The way that she talked and her personality got Howard's attention. By the time she had gotten off the phone Howard said that they should have her do movie reviews or something like that. I'm sure we'll be hearing more from her in the future.
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Gilbert Gottfried Comes In. 10/22/97. 5:25 pm
Next on the phone was the Holocaust woman again. She's still upset with Gilbert for making fun of the Holocaust. She made fun of him and attacked him. She told him she wishes he'd commit suicide. Gilbert kept going with the Holocaust jokes and the woman got upset. She said that God is punishing Gilbert because he gets no work. They continued to fight for a few minutes. She said given the choice between Gilbert and a Nazi she'd pick a Nazi. Gilbert asked her if she'd rather sleep with him or drive with Princess Di. She wasn't gonna answer that though. The woman said she talked to Henry Winkler about her parents. Gilbert asked if he gave her the thumbs up and said,''Eeeeeh!'' Gilbert asked if she told it to Laverne and Shirley too. Gilbert told her to yell,''HOGAAAAAAN!'' he kept making Holocaust jokes and got the woman angry. That continued for about 15 minutes and then she hung up.
It didn't end there though. The next guy on the phone said Gilbert tried to pick up his wife. ANOTHER guy called in and said Gilbert tried to bang his mom in high school. That guy turned out to be a fake. The last guy said Gilbert picked up his own tip. That one they had the hardest time believing. Grillo came in and said his friend dated Gilbert for a while and Gilbert said she was really hot, but it was a turn off that she'd banged Grillo.
Anthony And His Dead Daughter Calistra. 10/31/00. 7:20am
A couple of months ago this guy Anthony called in claiming that he'd had his dead daughter preserved by taxidermy. Howard wanted to see her in person to make sure he wasn't full of crap. Anthony came in this morning with his daughter Calistra in a wheelchair. Howard spoke to Anthony for a few minutes before revealing the daughter who was covered in a sheet. Anthony told Howard that his daughter was a big fan of Madonna's and she kept a journal about her. She also enjoyed Howard and Robin and even named her turtle Howard and her cat Robin. Howard had a letter that Anthony wrote to Madonna after his daughter died and he read that on the air. Anthony wanted to know how Howard got a hold of the letter. It turns out Madonna's people sent it to the show after they got it. The letter was kind of weird and what Anthony is trying to do is start a Humanistic Taxidermy Society for people who wish to be taxidermied instead of buried in the ground. The whole thing was very strange. Anthony had a tape that he claims was his daughter's last words where she asks him to take care of her turtle and kitty. Anthony claims that Calistra was part mongoloid but after hearing the tape she sure didn't sound like she had any problems. Howard didn't know what to make of this whole thing.
Howard got Anthony's estranged wife Helen on the phone and she kind of backed up the taxidermy story but it was still questionable. Howard finally had Anthony take the sheet off the daughter. There was laughter in the studio as the wraps came off. Everyone said it looked like a doll, not a person. Robin said the head looked like it was made of styrofoam. Anthony claims that it was a year from the time she died until she was taxidermied so she decomposed quite a bit. They had to reconstruct her somehow. No one believed it was a real dead girl and Anthony was asked if he was really crazy or if he was just a bad actor. He says it's for real but he refused to show any more of her skin to prove it was real. He didn't like the fact that he was being goofed on. Everything on the girl looked fake. She had a wig on and all of her facial hair was fake. Howard said he wasn't sure what he was seeing but it was pretty creepy. He took a couple of phone calls from people who called Anthony a freak. Howard eventually wrapped things up with Antony but no one was convinced the girl was real. KC came in and asked Howard if he had permission to rip her head off. Howard told him he didn't have permission to do that because Anthony would freak out on him. Howard once again said that he had no idea what he'd just seen but it did freak him out.
The Pig Olympics Game. 3/8/00. 8:30am
Gary came in with a game for Howard to play this morning. He had 32 women that he would pair up. Howard would then pick one of the two women as the one he'd most likely have sex with. The loser would then proceed to the next round and eventually one woman would stand out as the most undesirable of them all.. The PIG of the bunch. Here's how it broke down:
| Round 1 | |
| Dr. Ruth | Marge Schott |
| Rebecca Lobo | Whoopi Goldberg |
| Monica Lewinsky | Rikki Lake |
| Carnie Wilson | Roseanne |
| Vanessa Redgrave | Estelle Getty |
| Queen Latifa | Missy Elliot |
| Linda Ronstadt | Penny Marshall |
| Tracy Chapman | Rhea Perlman |
| Wheezi Jefferson | Florida Evans |
| Aida Turturro | Shelly winters |
| Delta Burke | Rosie O'Donnell |
| Madelyn Albright | Bea Arthur |
| Linda Tripp | Angela Lansbury |
| Nicole Bass | Barbara Bush |
| Judge Judy | Dr. Joyce Brothers |
| Mother Love | Mother Angelica |
| Round 2 | |
| Whoopi Goldberg | Marge Schott |
| Rikki Lake | Roseanne |
| Joyce Brothers | Estelle Getty |
| Missy Elliot | Mother Angelica |
| Rhea Perlman | Shelly Winters |
| Penny Marshall | Florida Evans |
| Rosie O'Donnell | Bea Arthur |
| Angela Lansbury | Barbara Bush |
| Round 3 | |
| Roseanne | Marge Schott |
| Estelle Getty | Mother Angelica |
| Florida Evans | Shelly Winters |
| Bea Arthur | Barbara Bush |
| Round 4 | |
| Marge Schott | Mother Angelica |
| Shelly Winters | Barbara Bush |
| Final Round | |
| Barbara Bush | Mother Angelica |
Howard had a few tough decisions to make during the game. The old women like Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty and Mother Angelica gave him the biggest problem. He also had a tough choice with Nicole Bass being thrown in there. Penny Marshall was also a big decision because Howard thinks she's a mess. He had a short discussion with Robin about that mess and how weird she was out in Los Angeles when he was out there recently. He said she's heinous and a cow. Once the Pig was picked Captain Janks was on the phone because he's made a bunch of phony phone calls to her in the past. Howard said that it might be time to make another call to let her know that she won the Pig Olympics. Janks told Howard that Nicole Bass isn't that bad but Howard can't get over the fact that she looks so much like a man. Nicole also called in real quick but didn't have all that much to say.
Beetlejuice For Senator. 8/4/00. 8:30am
Beetlejuice the small headed dwarf came in this morning to talk about his run for New York Senator. Howard said that they actually shot a TV commercial for him and that they're trying to buy some time on some TV shows to actually run the thing. Howard played the audio for us this morning. It's basically Beetlejuice giving his views on things such as abortion, taxes, drugs and education. Of course he barely makes any sense when he's talking about that stuff. They also have Crackhead Bob, Joe Cancer and Gary the Retard backing him in his run. Then they have Hank the dwarf and John the Stutterer bad mouthing him in the commercial. At the end of the commercial Beetlejuice says that if he becomes Senator his next run will be for President ''you mother f-ers''.
He was asked how many senators there are in the U.S. Beetlejuice said ''200''.. Howard said that was pretty close. Beetlejuice said that he has lived in New York for 2 years so he's eligible to run. KC said that he actually lives in New Jersey. Howard asked him a bunch of questions and he started answering them ''Me!?'' like he did the last time he was on. Howard wanted to quiz him on some political stuff so he and Robin asked him questions on gasoline prices. He said that he'd just have the prices set at $3.50.. Then $2.50 to fill a tank. He said that he has gun control under control and told Howard he was in the Army. He said he was in the war back in 1972.. in Vietnam for 2 years. He said he shot 200 people in that war.. all Chinese people. Howard asked him about Social Security and Beetlejuice said something about ''You need sponsors..'' which had nothing to do with the question. Beetlejuice went on to talk about how he spent 2 years in Desert Storm up in the mountains. He also told Howard that he auditioned for the HBO show ''The Sopranos''. He said that he's been Italian for 2 years now. He also said that he's been a cop for 2 years. He works in the ''over cover unit''. Howard heard that Beetlejuice buys reading glasses to read his newspapers.. but he can't read. Beetlejuice said he can read but when Howard asked him to read something he just made up stuff. Howard asked him to spell cat. He said ''A T E R''. ''Spell dog'' Howard said. ''L E E R'' is how he spelled it. He continued on to say that he reads books for 24 hours or so. (If this doesn't make sense then you're understanding what it was like to hear the show). Beetlejuice also loves Slim Jim treats. He once walked out of a store with 50 of them. He told Howard it was only 20 though. He also likes mustard sandwiches but calls them ketchup sandwiches. Howard read that Beetlejuice sometimes buys $50 worth of Chinese food take out and only eats about $3 worth. Howard asked him if he handles his own money. He claims he does but Gary didn't believe it and quizzed him with some math questions. He said ''If you have a dollar bill, 2 quarters and a dime, how much do you have?'' Beetlejuice answered ''A dolla' twenty five.'' As Howard was wrapping things up he asked Beetlejuice about his schooling. He claims that he went to college for 2 years. He also has a couple of kids with his girlfriend. He told Howard he has 2 kids. Howard asked him if they're boys or girls. He said ''2 boys and 2 girls!''.. but he only has 2 kids?
Beetlejuice is appearing at the Horizon Night Club in Staten Island tonight. You can find out more at JollyDwarf.com
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Crazy Oprah Guy Tape And Other Stuff. 2/13/02. 9:10am
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about how he had to ''wank one out'' last nigh to get to sleep. He said he didn't have any good porn laying around his apartment so he ended up watching this weird foot fetish porn that didn't do much for him. He said it took about 15 minutes before he could finish himself off.
Howard received this audio tape from a guy who is upset with Oprah Winfrey for some reason. The guy sent a copy of a tape he sent to Oprah after she didn't respond to a couple of pieces of certified mail he sent to her. Howard played the tape and the guy goes off on Oprah calling her ''Oprah Winfrey, Negro woman of the south.'' He said that he had her on his wall as a role model at one time but since she wasn't responding to his certified mail he finds her disgusting now. The guy kept repeating key phrases throughout his tape and Howard found it fascinating. The guy kept saying the ''negro woman of the south'' line and kept saying that he's ''keeping it real'' over and over again. He also repeated that he was disgusted with her over and over again. He also told Oprah some of his current role models but he kept calling Harvey Firestein ''Harvey Finestein.'' The tape must have been 5 minutes long but he could have said it all in 30 seconds if he didn't repeat himself so much. Howard played the whole tape and couldn't get enough of it. The guy admitted he was gay during his ranting. Howard said he sounded like a cross between Rue Paul and John Hinkley. Howard told Robin that she should pose as Oprah and call the guy to goof on him.
Howard's New Limo... Or Is It A Boat? 10/08/04. 6:50am
Howard played some audio clips where they were asking people about what they think about his move to satellite. One woman didn't seem to understand the question and just rambled about how she dislikes him. A couple of other old ladies went off on him for a short time as well when they were asked about him. Howard had some audio from some news reports about his move as well. One guy was complaining about paying for radio but he was on a cable channel that people have to pay for as well.
Howard got back to this indecency bill that's pending right now. He said that they've included blasphemy in the bill so they could fine people for saying God Damnit or something like that. Howard seems to think that it's ridiculous that this crap is going to pass and get signed into law.
Howard said he didn't want to forget about the great Rodney Dangerfield who passed away earlier this week. Robin said that Rodney didn't get a break until later in life so he always remembered that and tried to help out young comedians who were trying to make it. That led into Fred's tribute song ''Dear Rodney'' that Howard played a couple of times during yesterday's show. Howard said that Rodney was a big supporter of the show and he was always good to him. He said he was invited to Rodney's funeral but it's in Los Angeles so he won't be able to make it.
Howard moved on to read some mail about the World's Biggest Hemorrhoid contest that aired on E! the other night. People loved the show and the reactions the guys were giving as they looked at the huge hemorrhoids.
There were other e-mails about Ronnie the Limo Driver not having his new limo ready for Howard yesterday. Howard said that Ronnie got his new limo but it's a stretch truck. He told Ronnie that he trusts his taste but he was wrong. It's a big, black truck that's about half a city block long. He said the seats are so far apart that he can't even put his feet across to put them up. Howard said he now wants him to sell that one and get something smaller. Howard said it's a ''stupid car'' and he doesn't want to be driven around in it. Ronnie came in freaking out that he can never make Howard happy. Howard said that the back seat is uncomfortable but the car has everything but a Jacuzzi in it.
Howard complained about the last car Ronnie had because there was a light in there that people kept hitting their heads on. Ronnie said the whole reason they sold that car was because Beth hit her head on that light. Howard sent Robin down to look at his new limo so she could see what he was talking about. Artie wanted to go along and check it out as well. Howard asked if they could paint his name on the side of the giant limo. Artie said they could call him ''H-Diddy'' or something like that. Howard joked that he ran into P. Diddy and even he said that the new car was a bit ostentatious. Artie said that the car is probably bigger than Jeff the Drunk's new trailer park house. Howard was making some big ship horn sounds as he was talking about how big the friggin thing is.
Howard's kids hate being in a limo to begin with and now they're never going to be seen with him again. Ronnie told Howard that he sucks because he asked him about the car a bunch of times but he never went down to check them out himself. Howard told Ronnie that he wants him to sell this car and he'll make up the difference between that one and the new one. Artie and Howard continued to goof on the new limo for a few minutes. They played the ''Lean Back'' song and told Ronnie to go blast it from the new limo. Ronnie claims that he talked to Howard about this and Howard agreed to the new truck because it was actually a little smaller than the old car. Howard was serious about selling the new limo and getting another, normal limo. Howard told him to just paint ''BET'' on the side and sell it to them. Artie and Howard were relentless as they goofed on Ronnie. Artie told Ronnie that Howard wanted to do a drive-by on his way home in the new limo.
E! sent a camera down to the garage to get video of the new limo so Robin wouldn't have to go down there. Artie and Robin were laughing as they saw the size of the limo. Robin thought there was something behind the car because it was so long. Artie said that Springsteen is playing smaller venues. Howard called it the ''S.S. Mund.'' Gary said that it's like what kids rent when they go to the prom. Ronnie said that it gets about 12 miles per gallon so Robin told him that if gas prices go any higher, that car is going to get rolled. Ronnie said they're really going to have to sell it now because everyone is going to see it on TV and know who it is. Artie told him there are plenty of them driving around the city, they'll never be noticed. Robin said the car just blends right in and no one will notice it. She said it'll be like having a spotlight on him wherever he goes. Howard had to take another break after that bit of fun.
More Limo Talk. 10/08/04. 7:30am
After the break Howard played Sal the Stockbroker's prank call to his wife where he asked her about participating in The Wheel of Sex and she told him she didn't want him to do it. Howard always asks ''Anyone getting married?'' after playing it because they sound like a very happy couple as they're arguing.
Howard got in a plug for tonight's E! show featuring Donald Trump. That led to Robin talking about Howard's new limo again. She and Artie went down to see it during the break. They said it was nice but no one is going to be able to stop looking at it. A phone caller told Howard that they can use it for Howard's new broadcast studio when he makes the move to satellite. Howard told Ronnie that he wants to stay low key so Ronnie told him to not have a limo at all if that's the case. He argued that it's not a party limo like Howard seems to think it is. Artie said it's perfect if you're constantly pulling up your pants and doing the rockaway (referring to the Lean Back song).
Wesley Snipes Comes In. 8/19/98. 8:20am
Actor Wesley Snipes came in to promote his new movie ''Blade'' which opens on Friday. Howard got right into it with Wesley. He questioned him about everything from why he likes to date Asian women to how he got started in the Martial Arts. I'll mention a few of the things they talked about.
Wesley likes to date women from other countries because American women are too full of themselves. He got married when he was 22 but that marriage only lasted 5 years. Wesley sold Girl Scout cookies when he was younger.
Howard thinks that Wesley is the blackest black man on earth. Wesley dated Halle Berry at one time. Wesley thought his movie ''Tu Wong Fu'' kind of sucked and it could have been better. He was paid about $10 Million for his latest movie and he thinks it's his best movie so far.
Wesley used to do therapeutic massage on women and men. He would massage women's breasts but says it wasn't a sexual thing. His big break was in Michael Jackson's ''Bad'' video where he was the guy who yelled at Michael about being bad. Wesley said he wouldn't let Michael Jackson baby sit his 9 year old son.
The Los Angeles police once dragged Wesley out of his rental car and put a 9mm gun to his head because of a misunderstanding. He was forced into martial arts by his mother so he could defend himself. He was once involved in a high speed chase on a motorcycle where he was going about 145 mph. He's since slowed down on his motorcycle. That was most of what they spoke about. Wesley seemed to enjoy the interview and took all of the questions pretty well.
In the clip Robin was talking about a guy who had lit himself on fire in front of the White House. Fred had sound effects for a fire burning within a second or two and played those. Howard had some other audio clips that he mixed in with some audio of this guy who had lit himself on fire. He was playing a clip from COPS where a guy was getting tazered and was screaming. He mixed that in and then thought the guy yelling at the White House sounded like some kind of siren so he and Fred were going nuts making noises and playing sound effects.
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The Freaky Feud With Penthouse Pets & Wack Pack. 6/23/99. 7:50am
Retards VS Hot chicks, who will win? Howard brought in 3 Wack Pack members and 3 Penthouse Pets to play a Family Feud type of game called ''The Freaky Feud.'' On the Wack Pack side we have Slow Adam, Crackhead Bob and Fred the Elephant Boy. On the Pets side we have Nikki St. Giles, Melissa Anne and Amy Lynn Baxter. Howard was ''Howard Dawson'', the game show host. He interviewed a few of the contestants before moving on with the game. Nikki is married to the owner of Penthouse, Nick Guccione, she speaks 4 languages and she's hot. Melissa was a Pet back in 1998. Amy Lynn is one of Howard's favorite Pets and has lost some weight lately so she was looking good to Howard. She was a Penthouse Pet back in 1992. All of them are there to promote some Penthouse Pet of the Year party being held at club Ohm or something like that. Amy is also there to plug her new movie ''Golfballs'' (Read my review) which is coming out next week.
So Howard had questions and he'd bring up one person from each team to play. He'd ask the question and they'd have to hit a buzzer. If they got the number 1 answer they could chose whether or not to pass or take the chance on getting the rest of the answers. The first question was ''What's an awful name for a gay person?'' Slow Adam buzzed first. He said ''Fag'' and got the number 1 answer. They took the chance and tried to get the rest. Crackhead Bob gave the same answer as Adam so he got one wrong. They have up to 3 wrong answers before it moves over to the Pets. Elephant Boy said ''Homo'' and got it right. Adam then said ''Queer'' and got it right. CH Bob said ''Faggot'' again and got another strike. E.Boy said ''Girl'' and got the third strike. Possession then went to the girls. They answered with ''Fairy'' and got it wrong. The Wack Pack got the points from that round. The other answers were Sissy and Dyke. Here are some of the other questions and answers. To describe them all would take all day so here's a quick synopsis:
Arite Lange's Touching Story Of Stern Show Compassion. 5/18/01. 9:45am
Howard said he heard that Artie Lange's father fell off a ladder and became a paraplegic. Artie told him he was actually a quadriplegic. He took a header off a ladder and broke his neck. Artie said they wanted to sue the ladder maker but his dad had stolen the ladder so that didn't work. Then his family wanted to do an auction of celebrity stuff to raise money to support them. Artie said they wrote away to celebrities and asked for something to auction off. Howard's show was the only one to respond to them. Artie said it was back in 1987 and Gary sent them an autographed jacket. They raised about $2000 for it. Howard wondered why Artie never told him that before. Artie said his family always told him to talk about it but he never got around to it.
Howard and Artie then started goofing around talking about how there could be an ''Artie Lange'' story movie. They did their best announcer voice and said things like ''..and Kathleen Turner as Artie's Father..'' and ''..Leah Remini as the long shoreman who told Artie 'You're gay'...'' Fred had sad piano music playing in the background the whole time they were goofing around with that.
Today's Mammary Lane was over by about 11:45am.
This segment wasn't in my archives. In the clip we heard Howard talking about the Dallas station he was on and how poorly they were running the show down there. Richard Simmons came in a short time later. Howard said he thinks that Richard is losing his hair because it's thinning out a bit. Richard didn't hear that so Robin filled him in.
Howard started to talk like Richard to annoy him. Howard stopped that within seconds. Howard told Richard to stay away from him and told him to leave if he didn't want to be interviewed. Howard told him that he'd throw him right out of there if he didn't sit down.
Richard told Howard not to talk like him and start in with him today. Howard was doing the voice for a short time but got off of that again. Richard was going off on Howard about the way he was treating Gary earlier in the morning.
Richard asked Howard why he wasn't returning his phone calls. Howard said that he should call Robin instead. Robin didn't sound like she wanted that.
Howard made fun of Richard's shorts and asked if he was wearing them to Gary's house. Richard joked that he was wearing a strapless something. Richard was getting upset with Howard so Howard told him he had to take a break.
During the break Richard was trying to help out with the commercials but Howard asked him not to talk during them. Howard made fun of him instead. Howard said that he just wanted to put a black rubber hat over his head or stuff a ball in his mouth. Howard asked him if he had ever worn a black leather mask. Richard laughed and said that he hadn't. Howard asked him if he had ever been tied up. Richard just laughed and said he hadn't. Howard was asking how hard it is to run in high heels and Richard just laughed again.
Howard asked Richard to talk more masculine. Richard slowed down and tried to speak to him in a normal voice.
Richard asked Howard to read a letter that he got. Howard read the letter and it was from a woman who had called into the show and had Howard making fun of her on the phone. Richard didn't like the way he was reading the letter and not taking it seriously. Howard told Richard to just sit there and take it.
Howard read through more of the letter and she was complaining about the way he had treated her when she asked him for help. Richard kept telling him not to say how much she weighs. Howard actually listened to him and didn't say it. Howard read the rest of the letter and she was talking about her weight problem and her addiction to food.
Richard asked Howard to call the woman. Howard made the call after Richard guilt tripped him into doing it. Howard got her on the line and asked her if she wanted to come on the air. She said ''no'' so Howard hung up on her. Richard got upset with him and said that she was nervous. Howard said there's nothing he can do if she says she doesn't want to be on the air.
Howard had to take another break after that. During the break Richard and Jackie were arguing about whether or not Richard had picked his ass. Howard said that he had picked a wedgie so that's what Jackie was referring to.
Howard said that Richard was eating his bagel with his pinkie out. He told Richard that he's very effeminate. Richard laughed and asked ''This is something new?'' Howard said he'd love to know what's going on behind closed doors in his house. Richard said he invited him to his house in California but he didn't want to come.
Howard asked Richard if he could talk about what they had laughed about off the air. Richard didn't want him to mention it. Howard said that Richard was talking about poor fat people and how they have to buy funeral plots and sometimes Richard helps them out. Howard said he asked Richard why they can't just throw them in the sea and Richard went nuts. Howard said that the fat people can't afford the funeral plots because of all of the food they buy.
Howard had this woman Maria on the phone. She was the one who didn't want to be on the air earlier. Howard said he didn't get why she had to bad mouth him in her letter. She said that she wasn't bad mouthing him. She said that it does bother her that he puts down fat people all the time. Howard said he doesn't put them down, he just tells it like it is.
Howard said that fat people are very weak. That's why he thinks they eat so much. Richard said that just isn't true. Howard said there are people who lose their legs, vision, hearing and other stuff and they can't help themselves. People who glom food all day can help themselves.
Howard told Maria to go on his diet plan. He asked her if she lived near the sea. Richard freaked out and went off on him about that.
Richard told Maria that he had sent her a package of stuff. Howard wondered if this was the woman who he asked about how many bowel movements she was having in a day. Maria said that she was the one.
Howard asked Maria what she had for dinner last night. She had some roasted chicken. Howard said that she weighs a tremendous amount and she can't possibly be just eating chicken. She also had rice s Howard asked if it was dry. She said that it was from a Spanish restaurant. Howard was trying to figure out what's making her so fat and wondered if it was full of grease or something.
Howard gave Maria some advice on what to eat all day. He told her to have one cup of oatmeal in the morning with some fruit. Howard told her to eat Bran cereal too. He told her to have one apple between breakfast and lunch. Maria was still asking Richard for help so Howard said he was done trying to help her out.
Howard told Maria that she can have four ounces of turkey for lunch. He told her to have some grapes between lunch and dinner. Howard said that he doesn't sit and cry over this stuff but he's got the same problem losing weight.
Howard told Richard that he's a chubbo himself so he has no reason to tell him what to do. Howard said that Richard has some nips the size of clams under his shirt. Richard started to walk out so Howard tried to talk him into coming back in. Richard was really upset with him about what he had said so he said he couldn't take it anymore and had to get out of there.
Richard was very upset and was trying to get out but Howard said that he had something nice to say to him. They were trying to block him in the studio but Richard wanted out really bad. Howard told Richard to stop being a baby. Howard asked Richard if his weight went up and down too. Richard said that his feelings were being hurt too much and he had to leave.
Howard told Richard to sit down and stop being so sensitive. Richard was very upset so Howard told him to give him a hug. Richard wasn't interested. Richard told Howard that he wasn't treating him right and he wasn't being nice to Maria.
Maria said that she became the brunt of the joke when she called in last time and she probably deserved it. Howard said that's the way the show works. She said that she didn't want to be abused earlier in the show so that's why she didn't want to come on the air. Howard asked her what she was wearing. She said she was in a nightgown. Howard said that has to be a wild look. She asked for Richard's help again.
Maria said she had to get ready for work so she had to get going. Howard told her to go eat something. He said that these people always claim that they have a glandular problem.
Howard said that Richard is a great man who goes out to shopping malls to help these people out. He said he wishes that he wouldn't be so sensitive though.
Gary said that Richard told him that he goes out to do autograph signings and he stays as long as he has to so he can sign everyone's stuff. Howard asked him what this look was that he was giving him. Richard said that he was hurt. Howard told him that they should beat off and smoke cigars together.
Richard said he loves Howard but he gets treated so poorly. Howard said that Richard did the show Evening Shade so he wanted to talk to him about that. Richard asked him why he has to be so mean to him when he does the show. Howard said he doesn't think he's being mean or disrespectful. Howard told Richard to tell him what he did wrong. Richard rattled off a list of things that he did just today but Howard said he wasn't being mean. He said that he's the same way to him at his house as he is there on the show.
Howard asked Richard how bad Burt Reynolds' toupee was. Richard got up to leave again so Howard said that he heard him bad mouthing him. Richard said he didn't want to talk about him that way. Howard said that Marylou Henner is another one that was talking to Richard. He said that she was wondering why he was so mean to her but he didn't think that's the way it was. Richard didn't want to talk about her. Howard asked Richard if she has a good ass. He didn't answer.
Richard said he wants to take Howard's mother on his cruise. Howard asked him if he's ever kissed a man. Richard laughed and said that he had but it was his father. Howard asked him if he had ever kissed a man romantically. Richard told him to stop. Howard said he could see that he was in a bad mood so he should wrap things up. Howard gave him some plugs for his cruise but Richard told him he doesn't have to plug that stuff.
Richard was trying to leave again so Howard told Jackie to block him. Richard was all upset about the way he was being treated and he eventually got out the door. Howard wanted him to come back in and talk about doing the Evening Shade show with Burt Reynolds.
Gary came in and said that they had taken Richard's bag so he couldn't leave. Richard came in yelling and saying that he doesn't think Howard loves him at all. He yelled at Gary to give him his bag. Howard said he wanted to talk to him about working with Burt. Richard was just trying to get out of there. Richard said he was a kind man who helped him out with his lines. Howard asked him to do some lines from the show. Richard wasn't interested. He just wanted to know why they were treating him like this. Richard was upset with Gary too.
Howard asked Richard about what he did on that show. Richard said he played himself. He told Howard about what happens on the show and asked Richard to tell them some of his lines. Richard asked for his bag back. Howard asked him if he saw Lonnie Anderson up close. Richard said she has the most beautiful skin in person.
Howard asked if Burt looked bald and old. Richard said that he looks great. Howard asked him if he would get excited if he saw Lonnie Anderson nude. Richard was just laughing at him.
Howard asked for a hug before Richard left. Richard eventually went over and did that. He didn't get why he was being so mean to him though. Howard told Richard this is the way he acts every day. He wrapped up with him a short time later.
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Sue Sleeps With Her Step-Son! 01/20/05. 7:30am
Howard took a call from Sue who claims to have slept with her step-son. Howard said they got pictures of this woman and the step-son from the woman's husband. Sue said that she's 42 years old but she's in good shape according to Howard. Sue says that she's part black and part Puerto Rican. Howard got a letter from her husband where he explains how all of this happened. The son of this guy is 19 years old. The husband claims that he's fine with Sue having sex with his son. She's only been married to him since October. She claims that she likes to walk around in sexy clothes all the time.
One night they ended up in a hot tub with the son and the husband. The son's girlfriend had to go to bed because it was too late for her. The husband told Sue to take off her top so she did that since she was a little drunk. She said that she refused at first but did flash her husband. The son saw the flash so she could tell that he was excited over that. He was sitting behind her at the time so that's how she knew. Sue said she gave the son a hug and rubbed into him a little bit. They started kissing right in front of the husband and she didn't think it was strange at all. She said that the step-son is attractive and she just went ahead and did her thing with the son. Robin said this sounds like the father and son have been through this stuff before. Sue told Howard more details about her experience. She said that they were in a public pool in the apartment complex that they were staying at. They didn't get completely naked because of that. They eventually moved it back up to the apartment and finished it off. The son lasted about a total of 10 or 15 minutes. The husband sat back and watched what was going on. He was wondering if they were going to continue doing stuff. Sue said that they're back home now and haven't done anything yet but the son is supposed to be coming over and they will probably continue it. Sue said that the son is bigger than his father. She claims that they both satisfy her equally but she also said that the son can last longer than her husband. He went 3 times that one night they were together.
Sue told a story about giving the son oral that night after they'd already had sex. She says she's on the pill and the kid used a condom so she's not going to get pregnant. She claims that she had sex with her husband that night as well. They never told the son's girlfriend about what went on of course. Sue said she's into women but wasn't into the girlfriend because she wasn't attractive to her. Howard wondered if she'd be willing to do 3 generations of that family. She said she will not be doing the grandfather because he's pretty old.
Howard said he wouldn't normally believe a story like this but he has documentation. He had the E! guys put up the pictures of her in her pink bikini so Artie could check them out. Sue said she doesn't think she's going to fall in love with the son, except from the waist down. A phone caller said a few words to her in Italian letting her know what a whore she was. Howard thinks that the husband doesn't care if he loses her or not. Sue doesn't seem to think that's the case though. Another phone caller said this was the hottest story he's ever heard. He has a step-mother himself so he was getting thoughts of doing stuff as well. Another guy said he thinks we'll be seeing these people going at each other's throats on Jerry Springer in a couple of months.
Howard wanted to find out more about what this woman does for a living but she didn't want to say. She said that she has a pretty normal job. Hook Nose Mike called in and asked if Sue would let her husband sleep with his son's girlfriend. Sue said she would but she doesn't think she's attractive at all. Mike also wondered if they could put her pictures up on Howard's web site. Sue asked that they not do that because she doesn't want people to know who she is. A woman down in the Miami area called in and said that she was able to pull his show in from a Fort Myers station down there. Howard told her that there is a future because everyone will be able to get the show when he makes his move. Howard told Sue to call back in when they make their move to satellite because they'll be able to talk in more detail at that point. Sue didn't think that this whole thing was any worse than ''It's Just Wrong'' but Howard and Artie thought it was beyond being wrong.
Howard got a chance to talk to Sue's husband before he got off the phone. He told the guy that he doesn't understand why he's sharing his wife with his son. The husband said that they're swingers and they haven't found a couple that's as normal as they are so that's why he's letting that go on. The husband did reveal that they live in Arizona and didn't realize what he was doing. The guy said that he shouldn't have said that but he figured that it's a big state and no one will find out who they are. There was at least one delay hit during the discussion they had. The husband said that they have a ton more pictures of her available. Howard asked the guy to send in more pictures so they can check them out. The husband told Howard about some of the other stuff that Sue has thoughts about. She wants to get a guy who doesn't know she's married. She'll bring the guy back to the house and have sex with him while the husband watches. The husband has already drilled a hole in the closet door so he can watch. Howard thought that the guy was going to end up killing someone or something like that. The husband said he wouldn't do that unless the guy heard him in the closet and freaked out. There were some other stories that the husband was telling but the delay got hit a couple of times. The guy said that he's going to have sex with Sue this morning because he's all worked up now. Sue got back on the line a few seconds later so Howard could say goodbye to her. Sue did want to say hello to some of her friends that were listening to her on the radio this morning. The delay was hit when she said something about that and Howard suggested that she not mention any friend's names on the air. He let her go after that.
Howard took a call from a woman who said the call was the most disgusting thing she's ever heard. Howard said he was wondering if he could catch any diseases over the phone like Gary the Retard thinks he can. He thought about that during Sue's call. He played the prank call that Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy made to Gary the Retard where Richard pretended to be ''The Flu'' and tried to convince Gary that he was going to get sick over the phone. They went to break after that.
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More Mike Tyson Stuff. 1/23/02. 8:25am
Howard and Artie got back to goofing on Mike Tyson after Dick Clark left. The two of them were doing their Tyson impressions making fun of the way he threatens people. Burt Sugar also called in with his thoughts on Tyson's outburst at the press conference yesterday. Burt was at the press conference and saw what happened first hand. Howard asked him if he got scared when he saw it happen. Burt said he didn't get scared, he was just curious to know what happened. Burt also thinks that the Tyson/Lewis fight won't ever come to be.
Howard got Dr. Joyce Brothers on the phone to talk about the Tyson thing too. She gave her thoughts on Tyson's problems and theorized that since Tyson's trainer died he's lost his mind because he's probably frustrated with his life. Dr. Brothers also talked about Tyson's biting and how he's ''lost total control.'' She says it's because he's immature. After talking to Dr. Brothers Howard and Artie got back to their impressions of Tyson. Dominic Barbara also called in and had a theory that Tyson was sexually abused as a child and that explains his oral fixation and the comments he makes about f'ing people until they love him. As usual Howard ended up hanging up on Dominic.
A little note about the above... Quite a bit of what I wrote up was actually edited out. The Burt Sugar and Dr. Joyce Brothers stuff was all cut out.
Pat O'Brien Clips And More Pope Discussions. 04/04/05. 8:00am
After the commercials Howard read an article about how news networks have been renting apartments near the Pope's place in preparation for the Pope's death. Artie said that he finds it hard to believe that someone with so much power never got laid. Howard and the guys talked about how a woman can't even become Pope and they don't even get a vote in the whole thing. Howard said it's got to piss some Catholic women off. Gary was saying that there's not much chance of an American ever becoming Pope. He was also saying that they're looking for a Pope who will only live for about 10 years so they can try to find a new successor. Howard said all of these guys who are higher ups in the church all seem kind of creepy to him. Howard thinks that a black Pope isn't that out of the question at this point. Howard said it would be funny if they put a Mexican guy in that position. He'd love to have a ''Pope Juan Pablo.'' Artie said that when he was down in Dallas he was watching some news about how the Pope was the only Pope to have ever visited the state. They showed some video of the guy sweating his ass off in his robes as he was blessing some people.
Howard said he's upset that the Pope news knocked Pat O'Brien out of the news. Artie said that they're talking about Pat going back to The Insider eventually. Robin said she doesn't get why it's a big deal because he's just reporting on Brad and Jen type stories. That led to Howard replaying the audio clips of Pat's alleged voice mail messages to a woman he was seeing. Howard was trying to figure out some stuff that Pat was saying in the clip. He wondered how this woman was supposed to respond to Pat with the wink that he was asking for. Gary said that Vinnie Favale tried to explain it to him the other day and he heard that it was a woman that was out at a bar with him but had gone home early or something like that. Artie said that he'd like to see the chick that he left the message for. Howard said she's probably not even that hot. He played a song parody they made using those audio clips and the delay was hit at least one time while he played the song. Howard said that he would never have left messages like that on anyone's voice mail when he was dating. He wouldn't even send e-mails because he'd be afraid of something like this happening. He played a second song parody they created with the Pat O'Brien clips. They also got Gary the Retard to remake the voice mail messages so Howard played that.
Howard brought up actor Tom Sizemore and played some audio clips of an interview he did on Dateline recently where he talked about the problems he's had. Sizemore claims that he never hit Heidi Fleiss like she claimed. Sizemore walked off the set of the interview at one point because he was so upset about the whole interview. He went back and finished up the interview and talked about how bad things have been for him.
Howard got back to the Pat O'Brien voice mail clips and goofed on them for a couple more minutes. He and Artie were creating their own voice mail messages but the delay button was hit multiple times. Gary came in and said that he got a call from Pat's publicist who asked when they were going to stop playing this stuff. Artie said that they're never going to stop playing this stuff and Gary should tell the publicist that. Gary said that he tried to explain that everyone is playing the clips but the publicist said that when Howard plays them, everyone is listening. Howard kept going with the goofing and kept making up more of his own voice mail messages where he was talking about doing all kinds of weird stuff that had Artie laughing pretty hard.
Ralph Cirella called in and said that he likes Pat now that he's heard these tapes so he'd tune in to watch the guy now. He seems to think the publicist should be thanking Howard for playing the clips instead of asking them to stop. Gary said he had a picture of the woman that Pat was calling. Howard saw the picture and said she was pretty cute. He also read a note from an anonymous woman who claims that Pat used to hit on her like that as well. The woman said she asked Pat what his wife would think about that and that made him stop bothering her for 2 months.
Howard pointed out that Hugh Hefner is almost as old as the Pope was and he looks a lot younger. The guys were talking about how having all of those chicks must keep the guy young.
Rabbi Gottfried calls in. 4-4-96. To celebrate the Jewish holiday Howard had ''Rabbi Gottfried'' on the phone. The ''Rabbi'' was the one and only Gilbert Gottfried. Rabbi Gottfried sang a Jewish prayer for about 2 minutes without interruption! Rabbi Gottfried explained the holiday and how it's all a scam. He says the Jews came up with it just to get a day off of work. The Rabbi stayed on for a little while but Howard got tired of it and hung up.
Later in the show Howard took a call from a woman who was upset with some of the things the ''Rabbi'' was saying earlier. She must have thought he was a real Rabbi. Howard had Gary get Gilbert back on the line so the woman could talk to Gilbert. The woman's son got on the line and said he knew that it was Gilbert Gottfried and ended up arguing about some of the stuff that they were talking about like they were doing it seriously.
A little later while, Robin was reading her news, Howard got Rabbi Gottfried back on the phone and asked him some questions about the Holocaust since Robin had brought that up in the news. They goofed around with that for a minute.
Howard was amazed and disgusted by some of the stuff Woody Allen did to Mia when they were together. Howard read some of Mia's book recently and said that the Woody Allen stuff disgusted him so much that he had to close the book! Howard said the book is really good and it's very entertaining. Mia also talked to Howard about her adopted kids and about her relationship with Frank Sinatra. Frank actually took her virginity.
Mia told Howard that she was limited in what she could say in the book. She couldn't give all of the details. Howard told Mia that he read that her virginity was taken by Frank Sinatra. That led to them talking about how she doesn't like looking at herself in the mirror and how she doesn't have much self confidence. Robin said she saw her on the Merv Griffin show and she actually brought someone else on with her since she wasn't interested in being interviewed.
Howard told Mia that it's got to be very hard to take care of kids. He said that he thinks he's a pretty good father but he can't spend all day with the kids. He said he and his wife agreed that one of them should stay home with them. He said that he wasn't the one who wanted to be home all the time. Howard said he always wanted kids but he didn't want to be a house husband. Howard said he really admires Mia for doing what she did by taking in all of these kids.
Howard talked about some of the stuff Mia wrote in her book about Woody Allen's strange behavior. They talked about building Woody a huge bathroom one time and when it was done Woody didn't like it. He was upset that the drain was in the middle of the shower and he didn't like that. They also talked about his odd behavior around the kids and eventually him dating Soon Yee.
Howard said that Mia's father was a strange guy too. He read about him in her book. They spent a short time on that subject as well.
Mia said that Woody wasn't very good in the sack when Howard asked about that. Robin sounded shocked by that revelation.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Mia telling her how big of a fan of her's he is. Mia asked him if he's going to do more movies. He told her that he plans on doing other movies in the future. They talked about doing the Private Parts scene together and how fun that was.
Mia told Howard about Frank Sinatra taking her virginity and gave him some of the details leading up to that. She said that he was 50 at the time. They wrapped up a short time later.
Mystery Guest. 3-15-96. Howard found out who the mystery guest was so he ran the bit this morning. Fred went first and asked if the guy was in TV, he did some tv but doesn't have his own show. Jackie was next and asked him if he was a sports star. Robin's turn came and she blurted out 'it's John Kennedy Jr.' She said that she recognized his voice because she had watched a biography about him on A&E last night. So anyway, John F. Kennedy Jr. in the studio is pretty awkward for Howard since he always busts on the guy about how he doesn't work. Apparently John wrote a note to Howard saying that he has a good sense of humor and would love to have Howard on the cover of his magazine, George. Howard thought it would be cool and did it. He met John John at the photo shoot. John seemed to be pretty cool with Howard but he won't be showing up on the E! show. He doesn't want anyone to see his face near Howard's I guess. Howard asked which of the other Kennedy's are fans of his. I guess none of them, the subject changed. Near the end of the interview, Howard brought in all of the horny women from the offices at K-Rock. They were all speechless.
Boxer Laila Ali Calls In. 8/15/02. 9:35am
Boxer Laila Ali called in to promote her Pay-Per-View match against Suzy Taylor which is on this Saturday, August 17th at 10pm. Howard spent a little while talking to her about why she boxes and about her childhood. Gary came in and brought up a bunch of things that he read about her growing up and she was a mess. She said all of that stuff was in her book and didn't seem too thrilled that he was bringing it up on the air. She let them talk about it though and she handled it pretty well.
Gary brought up her being molested at the ages of 5 and 10 and the fact that she lost her virginity at 14 and had an abortion at 16.
Howard also tried to talk to Laila about her sex life and stuff like that but she just seemed to want to plug her fight. Howard stayed on with her for quite a while even though he'd said he wasn't going to. He talked to her about her breast size and stuff like that and she just let him go. After 25 minutes or so he wrapped it up.
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Song Parody Contest Semi-Finalists. 9/11/00. 7:55am
Howard decided not to do the song parody contest picks on Friday because everyone was so wasted. Today he picked up where he left off. He played a bunch of the parodies and everyone gave either a thumbs up or a thumbs down for the songs. He said that all of the songs he played today were worthy of a play but they had to weed out the worst ones and pick the best ones to be semi-finalists. Howard said that they'll pick a bunch today then take those semi-finalists and bring that list down to a final 8 songs. Then they'll pick the winners from that group. Here are some of the semi-finalists.. This is not an official list, it's just what I heard them pick:
UPDATE... At around 10:50am Howard announced the final 8 finalists. They are, in no particular order..:
Song Parody Contest Winners Announced. 9/14/00. 8:30am
The 8 finalists for the song parody contest came in this morning to find out who the winners would be. Howard introduced each one of them and played clips of each song. Here are the finalists and their songs:
The third place winner was Luke Atmydick with ''Dancin In White Sheets''. Howard played the song and let Luke give his quick speech. Luke won $3000 for his third place win.
The second place winner was Chris Grecco with ''Those Teeth''. Chris won $5000 for that song. Howard played the song and Chris sang along live through the whole song. He knew it by heart and Howard loved the performance. Chris gave his quick speech and even Gary said that it was a clever song that he enjoyed.
Howard played the final 5 songs remaining once again and then revealed the winner of the ''Beck's Beer, a beer apart'' song parody contest. And the winner is.. Alan Holm with ''Jackie is a Drunk''! Howard played the song once again. In honor of that win, here are the lyrics to the song:
Jackie is a drunk,
A big stupid drunk,
Whose wife makes him build her a recording studio with her songs that are dumb and are never gonna sell and you're writing for a band whose name is gonna to change in the next couple of days,
Jackie is a drunk,
A big stupid drunk,
Whose mother-in-law works for his stupid little recording label with a bunch of crap that nobody's gonna buy,
And it's gonna wind up at somebody's garage sale who somebody will buy and give to their brother-in-law as
like a gag gift and everyone will hate and will end up getting thrown away 'cause,
Jackie is a drunk,
A big stupid drunk,
EVERYBODY!
Jackie is a drunk,
A big stupid drunk,
Jackie is a drunk,
A big stupid drunk,
Jackie is a drunk,
A big stupid drunk,
BIG FINISH!
Jackieeeeee Isssssss Aaaaaaa Druuuuuuuuuuunnnnkkk
You have to kind of just talk the song slowly and run all of the long sentences together to get a feel for how funny the song actually was. The only instrument played in the song was a tambourine.
Alan thanked a bunch of people including Howard because no one ever thanks him.
Bill Yetman and his wife Suzette from Beck's beer came in to present the grand prize of $10,000 to Alan for his win. Bill, the President of Beck's Beer, congratulated everyone for submitting songs. He also said that his main reason for supporting the contest was to get a look at Robin.
Finally, Howard announced that the 4 other finalists would be getting consolation prizes courtesy of Buy.com. They had a choice of either a portable DVD player or a digital camera. Howard says that he may put the winner's songs up on his HowardStern.com web site but that's not official yet.
After taking a break Howard let Gary tell us how close the song parody contest was. ''Those Teeth'' could have won if someone, KC, hadn't voted it number 7 out of 8 in his secret ballot. Everyone else voted it up in the top 3-4 but KC's vote brought it down to number two. The way everyone was talking it sounded like they wanted ''Those Teeth'' to win over the ''Jackie is a Drunk'' song. KC explained that he thought the ''Sisters Pubic Hair'' was more original than a song about Gary's teeth.
Today's Mammary Lane show was over around 11:45am.
Actor Robert Duvall Comes In. 1/27/98. 8:35am
The way Howard was talking about Robert Duvall you'd think he was in love with him. He kissed his ass like you wouldn't believe. Howard thinks that Robert Duvall is ''a real actor''. He was amazed that the actor came on the show. There was a good reason for it though. Mr. Duvall put up close to $5 million for his own movie. The movie company that bought the film probably wanted as much exposure as possible so they booked him on the show. The movie, ''The Apostle'', starts this Friday. Howard said that he watched the movie yesterday and really liked it. Mr. Duvall wrote the movie 13 years ago and finally had the chance to bring it to life. Howard and Robert spent at least 45 minutes talking non-stop. Duvall seemed to be enjoying the interview. He was telling Howard that he was at the White House this weekend showing the movie to President Clinton. He didn't talk to the President about all of the stuff that's been going on with him though. Howard wanted to find out what Robert thought of some actors so he read off a bunch of names. He wanted Duvall to give a 1 to 10 rating but he didn't want to do that. He would just say ''talented'' or ''good director'' for each. Here are some of the actors Howard brought up.
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The Gossip Game With Guest Flavor Flav. 4/14/00. 7:45am
Rapper Flavor Flav came in to play the Gossip Game this morning. He was also there to plug his album ''It's About Time'' which comes out in June. Howard spent a couple of minutes trying to talk to Flavor but he's a hard guy to talk to. He takes over the microphone when he's in the studio. Howard got to the Mike Walker game before getting too deep into discussion with Flavor. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard spoke to Flavor for a while. Most of the discussion was about Flavor's run-ins with the law. He had a rap sheet that had incidents for just about every year since 1991 where Flavor was arrested. Flavor had excuses for each and every arrest and of course, he says he was innocent in each one. When he was arrested for assaulting the mother of his kids in 1991 he claimed that his hand accidentally touched her face while he was waving his hands around. He told Howard that he has 6 kids with 2 different women and he's working on 4 more kids. Howard also brought up an arrest for attempted murder on a 54 year old guy but Flavor said he didn't remember the details of that one. He was most likely high on something. He said he was more than high, he was bent when that happened.
There was another incident where he was arrested after a woman took pictures of his kids without his permission. He took the camera from the woman and exposed the film because he didn't want pictures of his kids taken.
Another incident was when Flavor got arrested for driving with a suspended license even though he claims he wasn't driving. He said his car was hit by a passing taxi cab and when he flagged down the cops they found out he had a suspended license. He wasn't driving though. The car was parked and he was just getting out of the car. Everything's just a misunderstanding in Flavor's life. You can find out more about Flavor at his web site FlavorFlav.com
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Ozzy Osbourne goofs on Stuttering John. 5-7-96. Ozzy called in this morning to plug an upcoming concert date in June. While he was talking to Howard he mentioned that he had heard Stuttering John's album recently. He said that he wants John to open up for him in June. Then Stuttering John came in to the studio and listened to Ozzy.
Ozzy starts telling Howard the names of the songs that he really liked. He mentioned 'Interstate Love Song' and a couple of other Stone Temple Pilots songs. John just listened as Ozzy told Howard the songs that weren't John's. Howard told Ozzy that they weren't Stuttering John songs and Ozzy kind of gave up on the joke. What he was supposed to do was tell John that he made a mistake and he didn't really want him to open for him but he chickened out.
John said that he went from a real high to the lowest low in a matter of a few seconds. Ozzy really does want John to open up for him so John won't be killing himself tonight. After Ozzy was off the phone, Howard let everyone in on what was supposed to happen. Howard said that they sent Ozzy a script a short while ago and that his wife had to coach him for like a week before they did it. Ozzy was supposed to say that he made a mistake and that maybe John could tune his guitar or something. So John fell for it. He said that his heart sank when Ozzy mentioned the Stone Temple Pilots songs.
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Matthew McConaughey Comes In. 4/14/00. 8:30am
Actor Matthew McConaughey came in to promote his new movie ''U-571'' which opens next Friday, April 21. The laid back Texan came in and didn't speak into the microphone so Howard had to have him lean in to it a bit more. He eventually got on mic so Howard could interview him. Howard had tons of stuff to talk to him about but he started out talking about Matthew's life growing up. He was voted ''Best Looking'' guy in high school and now that he's an actor he's still getting compliments on how good he looks. Howard said he read somewhere that an actress he worked with said when he lifted up his shirt and showed off his abs it made her breathless. Matthew told Howard that he lost his virginity when he was 15 and he never went through a dry spell like most kids do. Howard also brought up Matthew's parents. His parents were divorced 2 times and married 3 times during his life. He told Howard that his dad died after having sex with his mother at the age of 64. He said he finished up with his wife and died right after it. Matthew said that his father once told him that that's the way he was probably going to die so he predicted it right. Howard said ''So your father Came and Went in the same breath?'' That's the best way to put it.
The biggest story Howard wanted to find out about was how Matthew was arrested for playing the bongos in his house while he was naked. The story was out late last year and Howard found it pretty fascinating. Matthew went into every little detail leading up to that situation. He said he was just partying the whole weekend back in October. He had come home on a Sunday night with his buddy Cole. He put on some music and at some point during the night he got naked.. which he says is a normal thing for him to do in his own home. He had the music pretty loud and his windows were open so his neighbors got upset because it was about 3 in the morning. He had to point out that it wasn't bongos he was playing, it was the congas. They're bigger than bongos. The cops showed up and allegedly tried knocking on the door but Matthew didn't hear it. He said the next thing he knew there were 2 silhouettes standing in his candle-lit home and he got pissed. He wanted them to get out but one of the cops shined his flashlight on the coffee table and saw a bong sitting there. That didn't go over too well so the next thing Matthew knew, he was thrown against the wall and hand cuffed. He refused to put on any clothing so he was dragged to the police car naked. They took him to the police station naked but a big inmate there convinced him that he should put on some clothing. Matthew says he's a pretty good conga player but he's not great. He said he can keep a beat but that's about it. He told Howard that he was yelling how he was innocent and that he shouldn't have been arrested.. just like every other person at the jail.
Howard also wanted to talk to Matthew about all of the women he's had in his life. Sandra Bullock's name came up first. The two of them were a couple for a while but now they're just friends. He said that he did sleep with her but he didn't get into any details. Also on the list of women he's had was Ashley Judd. Matthew said she was a ''wonderful woman'' and that they're still friends also. Howard asked him which one was better in bed but Matthew didn't reveal that information. Howard wondered how he manages to stay friends with women after breaking up with them. Matthew said that they just have respect for each other and that keeps the friendship going.
One last story Howard brought up was about Matthew getting kicked out of a comedy club after heckling a comedian at a comedy club. It turned out to be this guy Speech Impediment Man who has been on Howard's show in the past. He was on the phone to talk about it. Speech Impediment Man has Cerebral Palsey and Matthew claims he didn't know that. He said he wasn't really saying anything when he was heckling him, he was just making weird noises and stuff during the act. Matthew didn't think he was all that funny so he was goofing on the poor guy during his act. Speech Impediment Man says it actually helped out his act so he didn't have a problem with Matthew. Matthew said he was a little drunk at the time also so that didn't help.
Howard took a few phone calls for Matthew before he left but no one had much to say. Howard told Matthew that he really enjoyed ''U-571'' and that it was a really good movie.
Tuning Out American Idol And Bobo Wants To Be On Air. 05/04/04. 6:00am
Benjy made a new phony phone call that Howard wants to play but he's not sure in light of the new ''standards'' that have been changing every 5 minutes lately. He said that he's probably going to have to stick it up on his web site instead. He went on to talk about the web site and some of the quotes he has up there. He said they have a quote from someone who says that man has created indecency because there is no indecency in the animal kingdom.
While he was talking about that Fred was playing clips of the nutty congresswoman Heather Wilson who went off on Mel Karmazin a couple of months back during some indecency hearings. Howard wonders what happened to her in her childhood that made her turn out the way she did. He went off on her for a couple of minutes trying to come up with things that could have happened to her when she was a kid.
This segment was not in my archives. In the clip Howard said he had H. Ross Perot on the phone. It was Billy West doing his Ross Perot impression. Howard asked him some questions about his run for President. Ross was telling Howard what his plans were and what he was going to do when he got elected. He threw in an N-word but he claimed that it was ''Knickers'' and not what Howard thought he had said.
Howard asked him to talk about the inner city problems and how he's going to deal with the problems. He said ''naggers'' while talking about that. Howard said he thought he was using the N-word again.
Howard asked Ross about his personal life and what he was doing with his wife. Ross said his wife was there and called her to the phone. Billy started to make some really strange sounds.
Howard was going to wrap up with Ross but Ross got his wife on the line again and did his strange noises again. The noises he was making were an imitation of a porn movie that they had heard where someone was having sex with a chicken.
Howard found out that Megan has a boyfriend and she told him that he's a dirt bike mechanic. She also told Howard that she has brought home women for him to mess around with.
After talking to her for a few minutes Howard offered her the chance to play the wheel of sex. Howard told her he'd give her 5 plugs for whatever she's plugging. He had a bunch of things on a wheel that she had to spin and whatever it landed on she had to do. Those things included stuff like:
Howard had Megan's (almost) sister-in-law Amanda come in to spin the wheel of sex too. Megan said she was thinking of seducing her so Howard wanted to check her out. He spoke to her for a couple of minutes and then had her spin the wheel of sex. She didn't hesitate a second to spin the wheel. It ended up on the same thing as Megan got. Howard had her spin it a few more times and it kept coming up on the same thing. It finally ended up on the bagels and cream cheese section. Howard sent Amanda off to the bathroom to get changed. She came back out and they smeared the cream cheese on her ass. Howard said she had a nice ass as he was putting the cheese on. When he was done Howard threw the first bagel. He got a perfect shot according to everyone in the studio. The bagels were all sticking to her ass as they threw them. After the fun Howard had Megan and Amanda kissing each other. There was some tongue involved according to Artie who yelled out ''Tongue!'' as they kissed. Howard questioned the two of them for a while and tried to find out what they really do together. Megan didn't want her boyfriend Keith to leave her so she wasn't talking much. They admitted that they sleep in the same bed together naked but they wouldn't say what else they do. Howard then had them make out with each other again before ending the interview.
Howard wrapped up the interview and said that you can find out more about Megan at Megan-Mason.com or at Penthouse.com. She's featured in the January 2002 issue of Penthouse.
Later in the show Howard announced that this segment will air on E! tonight and tomorrow night at 11pm.
Yaqi The Tickler Comes In. 1/25/02. 7:20am
Howard recently watched a tickling video that this guy Yaqi put out. Howard thought he was kind of disturbing so he invited him to appear on the show. Yaqi came in and Howard spent some time trying to find out how and why Yaqi got into this tickling thing. Howard figured he does it to get laid but Yaqi said he didn't start because of that. He says he enjoys the tickling and it doesn't always lead to sex. He also said that he's tickled men as well as women. He said that doesn't mean he's gay though. Howard played a couple of clips from the ''Yaqi's World'' video and Artie Lange did his impression of him too. Yaqi has an effeminate voice and Howard seemed to think that he might not be straight. He claims he is though.
A couple of women came down today to get plugs for their web site CatFightBabes.com so Howard hooked them up with Yaqi. Howard was going to ask them some questions and each time they got the wrong answer Yaqi would tickle them. If they got the answer correct they'd get a plug for their web site. First up was Heather. Yaqi shackled her to a bed they had set up in the studio and prepared to tickle her. Yaqi wanted to supervise the shackling himself because he wanted to make sure it was done correctly. She did escape one time though. Howard asked her a bunch of questions and she was able to answer most of them. Howard then threw in a couple of tough questions that she couldn't answer so Yaqi could tickle her. Heather told Howard that she thinks of tickling as torture most of the time but if she's attracted to the guy she would get turned on. Yaqi did some great tickling because Heather was squealing and screaming each time he touched her. Artie Lange kept making jokes about how he's probably killed some of his tickling victims. Yaqi uses socks on the women's wrists when he shackles them and Artie said in 5 years or so someone will probably find skeletons with socks on their arms in Yaqi's basement or something.
Heather told Howard that she wanted him to tickle her because she's attracted to him. She found Yaqi's tickling to just be torture. Howard went over and got a quick pointer from Yaqi who told him to tickle her upper thigh. Howard tried it and actually got a reaction from her. Once again she squealed and screamed as Howard tickled her. Then Yaqi joined in and the two of them double teamed her for a few seconds. Before the girls came in they were told to drink a lot of fluids so they might wet the bed as they got tickled. Heather said she drank a lot but she didn't end up wetting the bed.
Howard had to take a break before getting to the second woman, Star. When he came back they shackled Star to the bed and Howard asked her some questions. Star wasn't ticklish. Yaqi tried but couldn't get her to laugh. On Heather he'd used some lotion on her feet and tickled her which made her really squeal. Star just laid there and didn't make a sound. Stuttering John came in and gave it a try too. He got her to giggle for a second but ended up calling her a ''cold fish.'' Howard gave up on her after a couple of minutes. He also told Yaqi that they kind of find him to be like a serial killer-type which he didn't seem to appreciate. While he was trying to tickle Star Howard kept making references to killing her because she wasn't doing what he wanted her to do. Yaqi said he's never killed anyone... You can find out more about Yaqi and order his tickling video tape at YaqisWorld.com. Howard spent a couple more minutes with Yaqi before wrapping up the interview. Yaqi claims that woman actually pay him to tickle them. He said he charges $5 per pound to do the tickling. A phone caller told Howard that ticking guys is gay and Yaqi has done that. Yaqi doesn't seem to think it is gay though. He told Howard that he's never had gay sex and he's never murdered anyone as Howard wrapped up the interview.
This segment wasn't in my archives. In the clip we heard Howard talking about a woman who could speak telepathically to animals. He had her on the phone. Robin said that she had never met the woman but she did hear about her. Robin said that she was told about her and she did leave some money for her to talk to her horse.
The woman said that she did speak to the horse and the horse told her that Robin wasn't around much. Howard said he's heard of people communicating with the dead but not with horses.
Howard said that most people are so boring in life and they're no more exciting when they're dead. Howard said that the psychic thing is a bunch of bull and no one has ever been able to contact Harry Houdini.
Howard talked to this woman about her abilities and said that he doesn't believe that they're actually speaking to her. She says that they don't have a language, but they do have feelings.
The woman, Donna, told Howard about some of the other animals she has helped and Howard asked her if she can also speak to his furniture or a plant. She said that she can speak to a plant. She said that anything that lives has a soul so she can speak to them.
Howard asked her if she can speak to his sperm. She said she might be able to but she has never tried. Robin asked if she can speak to a person's cancer. She said that she might be able to do that. Howard asked her about speaking to chickens and what they say to her. He was goofing on the woman asking her if she could speak to a hamburger.
Howard asked if she eats chicken. Donna said that she doesn't eat chicken but she does eat vegetables. Howard thought that was kind of odd and wondered how she could eat them if they have souls like she said they do. She said that she's not in a constant communication with everything like that. She eventually told Robin that she expected her to be more on her side. She knows how much she likes animals.
Howard took some calls and one guy asked her if she could speak to her dog. That was after he called her a lunatic. She said she wasn't going to do anything for him if he was going to call her names.
Howard spent a little more time talking to Donna about her abilities and said that he just wanted to find out more about them. She was getting offended by it all. Donna said that she thought Howard was a nice guy. Howard said that he is, he was just trying to have an interesting interview. Donna wasn't saying much after that.
Fred The Elephant Boy Soils Himself. 09/12/05. 6:45am
After the break Howard came back and said that they would have Kelly Monaco in at around 7:30 this morning. His hair was a mess this morning because he doesn't have his hair stylist anymore since the E! show is gone. Artie wondered if it would have been obvious if he had hired her back just for Kelly today. Robin talked about seeing Dr. Phil out at the U.S. Open over the weekend and it appears that he dyes the hair around his bald spot. She thought that was pretty hysterical.
Howard said that Gary made an appearance this weekend and no one showed up. Gary said he had about 200 people show up when he made an appearance up in Boston and almost none at this place he was at over the weekend. High Pitch Eric and Fred the Elephant Boy showed up but that was about it. Gary said that there was a stench coming off of Elephant Boy and he may have soiled himself. Gary said the smell just about knocked him over. Gary said that he didn't want to believe that it was him but once he left, the smell was gone. The guys were wondering what went on there and why he would show up to an appearance like that. Gary tried to get away from the stink but Fred wouldn't let him be. Gary went back in the office and had the guys call Fred so they could find out what went on.
Fred the Elephant Boy was on the phone but there was some audio coming over the line because he has problems with his line. He gets an AM station coming over the line somehow so he had to switch phones. Howard said the guy has a lot of problems today. He put him on hold so he could get a different phone. Gary said that Fred has been using a fanny pack for years and it's gotten bigger now so it's like the size of a purse. Fred was back on the line a minute later. He told Howard that he did have a problem that day and he didn't have any notice for that mess to come. Howard wanted to know how something like that happens and why he would stay there like that. Fred said that he messed his pants about the time he was getting to the appearance as he was coming in on the train. He didn't bother to turn around and go home though. Howard asked him if he considered going home. Fred said that he thought about it but wanted to see if he could stick around for a little while at the appearance. As he was asking Fred about this, the delay was hit a couple of times. Fred was telling Howard that he didn't stay at the appearance for too long like that but he did stick around for a few minutes.
Howard said it must have been uncomfortable for Fred to stand there with the stuff in his pants. Fred said he did stop at a bathroom and tried to clean himself up a little bit before he got there. He had stopped at a supermarket and did that. Fred also told Howard that he was standing up on the train when he soiled himself so that's why it ran down his leg and stayed on his pants. Howard asked him if he even thought about buying new underwear while he was there. Fred mumbled something and explained why he didn't do that. Gary told Howard that they have pictures of his brown stains that they'll put up on the web site later this morning. He also said that he couldn't look at Fred in the face and kept stepping backwards whenever Fred could step closer to him. Fred noticed that but didn't know that he had stains on his pants. Robin said that he had to have been aware of what was going on because he had stripped down in the bathroom when he cleaned himself up. She thinks that maybe he had a second accident when he got to the appearance Gary was making. Gary said that he wasn't even positive that it was Fred that stunk like that but the crew that was with him at the appearance knew it was him. Gary also said that there was a blue tarp at the car dealer he was at and Fred used the tarp to clean himself up a little bit. He said that one of the girls there told him what was going on and how they saw him wiping his leg on the tarp. That all went on before he even got there. Gary thought that Fred had gotten there before him but Fred thought that it was after.
Howard thought it was funny that only two people showed up to the appearance and Gary had to send one of them home. Robin thinks that this must happen to Fred a lot because of the way he reacted to the whole situation. Fred was getting excited and said that it doesn't happen and when he saw the frickin tarp, he used it to wipe himself. He could smell himself but still didn't leave the appearance. Gary said that one of the people from the K-Rock Street team was being very sweet by not telling Fred to get out of there. Howard wondered if there were flies around Fred's ass while he was standing there. Gary told him how bad the smell was and how he had to keep moving around to try and get away from the smell. Fred said that he headed home after about a half hour and he had to get back on the train to do that. He went home and washed his clothes. Howard asked him to save the pants so they could put them in his Howard Stern Museum some day. Fred thought that he had cleaned them up too much to send them to the museum. Fred wasn't sure what was wrong with him that day and why he messed his pants. Howard told him he can't go walking around the train cars after doing something like that.
Gary told Howard that Fred had shaken his hand that day and once he found out about the mess in his pants, he ran into the bathroom to wash his hands. Howard said that he would have gone to a hotel room, rented a room and taken a shower to clean himself up. Fred could have gone to a store to buy new pants. Fred thought there was nothing around there but Gary said there was. He went on to tell the story about how he went to wash his hands in the bathroom and how there was no soap in there. He eventually got some hand sanitizer and then found some soap in a different bathroom where he scrubbed his hands in the hottest water he could. Gary wasn't even mad at Fred, he was just wondering what he was doing there after messing his pants like that. Fred said he did head home but the guys reminded him that he spent a half hour there before he headed home. Fred said he just wanted to say hello to Gary, that's why he went there. He was afraid he would miss out on that if he didn't go. Robin told him to keep some baby wipes in that fanny pack of his from now on. Howard told him that the fanny pack doesn't work for him either. Howard suggested that he just use the fanny pack as a toilet from now on.
A caller told Howard that this was the funniest bit they've done. Fred said he was happy that he had amused the caller. Howard said they'll have pictures of his pants, sock and the tarp where he wiped himself off on his web site later today. Gary told Howard how bad the smell was that day and how they knew that it had to have been him that smelled. Artie said he knew a guy who was great at silent farts that smelled awful and he would go up to a group of people at a bar and let one go. A few minutes later they'd watch as the people disbursed from the smell. Gary revealed that Fred had been wearing shorts that day, Howard had no idea they were shorts, he thought they were long pants. That was even worse. They talked about that for a few seconds before Howard wrapped up with him and let him off the phone. Howard said that Fred is the best... and he's disgusting. He shouldn't have shown up to the appearance at all. The guys spent a short time talking about how most people would get away from people as fast as possible instead of going to an appearance like that. Howard had to go to break after that.
Today's Mammary Lane was over by 11:45am.
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Today's Best of the Week was over around 12:50pm.
Howard started off the show asking Robin if she was going to watch the fight tonight. That led to them talking about a previous fight and the controversy that surrounded that.
Howard said that yesterday was a big day for them because they were going to be on in Los Angeles soon. Howard also said that he heard that Robin was in TV Guide for an interview. Robin didn't know that it was out but she said that she had done some interviews.
Howard said that Robin used to be so close to him but the article was kind of strange. Robin said it must have been a misquote. Howard said that he didn't even say what it was and she was already saying that it was a misquote. Howard said he was too hurt to go on and talk about what it was that she said. Robin asked what it was. Howard told her it was nothing and didn't want to talk about it. Robin said it must have been about her looking for another job. Robin said that she was just joking around. Howard didn't believe that.
Howard said he knows what Robin is saying there, she just doesn't want him to get attached to her. Howard said he knows that it's not a misquote. He said that it's not going to be fun to work with Jay Leno like she said she would like to do in that article.
Howard said that Robin was saying that it was all a joke in that article. Robin said it really was a joke. Howard said when he jokes in an article it's different.
Robin told Howard that he was hurting her by saying this. She also said that Howard has hurt her before too. She was going to pull out a reference from about 9 years ago. Robin said that she threw a party for Howard one time and scammed him and he got really upset and believed it so quickly. Howard wanted to drop the subject.
Robin wanted to know who read the article to him. Howard said it was someone who wanted to hurt him and blamed it on Jackie. Fred played the ''Baba Booey'' clip referring to Gary.
Howard said that he and Robin have a sensitive relationship so this is hurtful. Howard said that TV Guide has the biggest circulation of any magazine so a lot of people are going to read those statements from Robin. Robin told him to stop with that. She told him to just stop with his complaining.
Howard said that he was reading an article about them going on out there. He said that it was kind of cool. He read some of the article and they talked about the TV show and his move into Los Angeles with the radio show. Howard said that the picture they used was even a good one. He said that picture was the best one he's ever seen of himself because he doesn't think he's ever looked that good in person, ever.
Howard was talking to Jackie and making fun of him about his big party that he throws out at his house on Long Island. Howard said that Jackie has garbage pails full of clams out at those parties. He said that he's white trash but he's also got money. He said that they try to be more sophisticated but it doesn't work for Jackie. Howard said Nancy can kind of pull it off though.
Howard said he was talking to the program director out in L.A. and talking about how he had to get those guys Mark and Brian and how he has to conquer them. Howard said that Mark and Brian must be freaking out. He said he thinks that they're getting tapes of his show flown into them so they can hear what he's doing. Howard said they've never had any competition out there before.
Gary came in and said that they were talking about the show on Tom Snyder's show last night. Howard had a caller on the line who had audio of that.
Howard said that their agent got calls to do about 13 TV interviews out there in L.A. and they got calls from all of the magazines and newspapers and all of that stuff. Howard turned them all down. Howard said he was asked to do every TV channel out there and he just said ''Nahhh.'' Howard said that this is cool because they have them just where they want them.
Gary said that he got a call from George Maxian but all he said was ''I don't know'' to him over and over again. Gary said he was asking about what Howard had said about the show moving to L.A. and he just kept saying he didn't know.
Howard said he told his agent to talk to Richard Johnson instead of George Maxian. Howard said that Richard told them that George was already working on the article though so he couldn't do it. Howard said that Richard was very ethical about it.
Howard had the caller on the line with the Tom Snyder show tape. He played the audio where Snyder and his guests, including Cousin Brucie, were talking about Howard's move to Los Angeles. Tom didn't think that Howard was going to do well in Los Angeles. Snyder didn't think that Los Angeles had the right audience for Howard's show. Snyder and his guests talked about some of the things they had heard Howard do before and they didn't think it would fly out in L.A.
Howard and the guys listened to that stuff and goofed on Snyder a little bit. Howard said that those guys dream of being successful like him. He said that they have no idea what that's like. He said that they really have no clue.
Howard said that if those three dopes knew anything they wouldn't be on at 3 in the morning talking to themselves. Howard said that it was Tom Snyder, Cousin Brucie and Machine Gun Kelly. Howard goofed on them for a couple of minutes. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard said that his friend Neil used to throw his mother-in-law and his kid out of the house when they'd have the parties. Howard said that the parties used to go all night. They'd have vomit on the carpets and bottles of champagne all over the place with the corks embedded in the ceiling.
Howard said that they'd even smear Cheese Whiz on the big screen TV. Neil didn't care because he just wanted to have guys over to his house. Howard said that he'll probably be tired by 9 o'clock anyway. He probably won't be out too late.
Howard replayed the clip and then said that he had an Orson Wells clip to play. He said that Orson did this song but he speaks over a song. Howard did an impression of him with his harmonizer. He stayed in his deep voice for a short time talking like Orson Wells.
Howard spent a few minutes goofing on Orson and then ended up goofing on Jackie about his goofy songs. They played Jackie's ''Flies'' song and goofed on that.
Howard had a caller on the line who was asking about the Mike Tyson fight. Howard and the caller spent a short time on that stuff.
The caller was also asking Howard about what's going on in Chicago. Howard said that this guy in Philly, John DeBella, is a wise ass. Howard said that people have been telling him that he would never beat DeBella and now that's what they're saying about Los Angeles and Mark and Brian. Howard said that Los Angeles is filled with losers on the radio and the market there is very strange.
Howard said that Rick Dees went out to L.A. and did the Top 40 thing playing music. Howard was going to talk about it but the caller was so annoying that he had to stop and hang up on him. Howard took a couple of other calls but gave up on that.
Howard said he was going to give all of his philosophies on radio. Howard got one caller back on the line and then went into his explanation about what went on with John DeBella and his partner Mark the Shark Drucker. Howard said that Drucker stole some of his bits and he really doesn't like him now.
Howard said that the first day he went on in Philly he said he was going to drive DeBella off the air and out of town. Howard said that he would follow him to every city he went to and drive him out of those towns too. Howard said that he can only work in peace if he comes and kisses his ring and feet like he's the godfather. Howard said then he'll let him work in another town without bothering him.
Howard said that there's no stopping him now that he's going to be on in L.A. He said that when he hears any DJs saying anything about him, that's when he's going to blow them out of the water. Howard said that there are too many wacky morning guys out there and he wants to crush them.
Howard said that once his deal is done out in L.A., it's going to be a domino thing and he's going to get on all over the place. Howard said that there are some creeps on out there who pick and choose from his material. Howard said that he's not going to allow that to go on.
Howard said that he has had meetings with the people out in L.A. about what they want to do. Howard said that he can't wait to pounce on those guys out there in L.A. Howard said that he has a whole plan of attack for what they're going to do out there. Howard went off on Mark and Brian for a few minutes saying that nice guys finish last and things like that.
Howard told the guy that he could come down there if he wanted. The guy didn't know where they were located but even Howard said he's not sure where they're at. He said he's drive there every morning. He said that there's something wrong with him for not knowing. He said that he once tried to get back to work but he had no idea where to go even though they were standing right in front of the building. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Thorogood if he knew who Robin was. Ted said that he had never seen her. Howard asked him if he knew anything about her at all. He said he really didn't. Howard was trying to get him to say some stuff about her so he eventually did. Ted said that he'd like to lay Robin down and play ''road'' with her.
Howard said he was asking Thorogood about Roe V. Wade and he told him that in most cases you should row but if you have to get out of the boat you can wade.
Howard had some other jokes about Thorogood that he went through with Ted. He asked him some questions to test him out to make sure he was really Thorogood Marshall too.
Howard asked Thorogood some questions about his life and had Ted joking around a bunch of goofy stuff. Ted seemed to forget that he was doing the impression and went into his own voice. He was joking around about Robin and about his penis and stuff like that. Howard let Ted go after a few minutes of that.
Howard spent a little time talking about the interview and how he expected a lot of press to cover that exclusive interview.
Howard had Ted back on the phone a short time later so he spent a few more minutes talking to him before letting him go again.
Howard had Robin read through some news stories after that. She read some stuff about Thorogood Marshall resigning. Robin also read some audio clips of President Bush talking about Marshall's resignation. Howard said that he was wrong to have voted for Bush. He said that it was really bad for the country. Robin had some audio clips of various people talking about Marshall's replacement.
Howard said that he apparently offended a woman with something. He took the call and the woman said that Howard and Robin may know about things that are happening in the world but he doesn't know anything about sports. She also said that he doesn't know about politics. Robin told her to get her point out. The woman said that Howard was wrong about some stuff that he was talking about with the Supreme Court. Howard and the woman went at each other arguing about that stuff for a couple of minutes.
Howard told her that she's a moron because what she was telling him is what he was already saying. Howard told her that she's a naive, stupid bitch and went off on her. She told him that he didn't have to name call. She said that wasn't helping his argument.
Howard asked the woman if she was a lesbian. She said that she had a boyfriend. Howard found out she was going into law so he went off on her about that too. He then found out that she didn't currently have a boyfriend so he goofed on her about that saying that she's a lesbian, that's why she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Howard and the caller argued for a few more minutes. Howard told her to call Dominic Barbara and have him laugh at her instead. The woman was telling Howard that he wasn't letting her speak so Howard let her speak. She started to ramble so Howard muted his voice and told Robin to continue her news. The caller continued to ramble as Robin read some other news. She ended up hanging up when Howard didn't respond to her rant. Robin read through a few more stories and then they had to take another break.
After the break Robin read a story about Donald Trump having his dates tested for AIDS. Gary came in a short time later and said that there were two more guys who showed up to show their penises. Howard told Gary to wait until after the news to bring them in.
Robin read a few more news stories and had one about a fake Patrick Swayze who was out calling people and ripping them off. After hearing that Howard wanted to prank some people. He wanted to try doing that to Jackie's wife Nancy so he gave her a call. Nancy recognized him immediately of course. She played along with the Patrick Swayze thing though.
Howard talked about how he had his hand on Nancy's thigh when they went to see Terminator 2 the other day. They spent a minute on that and then Robin got back to her news.
Robin finished up with a story about the Daytime Emmy awards. She had some audio clips from the show that she had Howard playing. Howard played a clip of Oprah Winfrey which led to him going off on her for a short time. He talked about why he hates her so much.
Howard said that last year he picked ''911 is a Joke'' as the best song of the year. He wondered why he never heard from Flavor after he did that. Flavor said that he was busy. Howard jokingly said that he just found out that Flavor was named Chief Justice.
Howard saw Flavor's gold teeth and asked him about that. He also talked to him about his kids and when that happened. Flavor said that he won't get married, he's going to wait until he's about 80 years old. Howard and Flavor shared some stories about living in Roosevelt since they both grew up there.
Howard asked the guys how Public Enemy and Anthrax got teamed up. Scott Ian from Anthrax told Howard that they figured it would be the best of both worlds, rap and rock, and put it together.
Howard said that Charlie from Anthrax was also there. Howard asked Flavor what his real name is. Flavor told him that his real name is Flavor Flav. Howard asked him if his real name was Walter. Flavor said that's not his name, it's Flavor.
Howard said that Flavor is so angry. He said that his songs seem pretty angry. Flavor asked Howard to stop hitting the buttons on him. He saw him doing something on the board and thought that he was screwing with him.
Howard asked Flavor about his kids and found out that he had pretty normal names for them. Flavor was also wearing white sunglasses so Howard asked him what was up with that since he hates the white man. Flavor said that he doesn't dislike anyone and he doesn't hate the white man. They had to take a break a short time later.
After the break Howard came back and gave the guys some plugs for some upcoming appearances. Gary told Howard that Tyrone Frazier was on the phone but Howard had no interest in talking to him. He told Gary to tell Tyrone to go out and win a fight and then call back.
Howard talked to Flavor about doing the TV show ''In Living Color'' and how they had to kick him off the set. Flavor said that Spike Lee is a friend of his and he thinks that Howard should stop bad mouthing them. Howard said that the Spike Lee movies are boring. He said that black people don't like that kind of stuff. They like action movies. Flavor told him he's wrong and Spike makes movies that they like.
Howard said that he got mad at Flavor one time when he interrupted Young MC. Flavor said that he can't help that. Howard said that it was a pretty funny moment even though he got upset with him. That led to Howard and Flavor doing some ''Yo mama'' jokes. They went back and forth with those for a short time.
Howard talked to Flavor about the trouble he's had with women. Howard said he knows that Flavor loves women but he's gotten into some trouble. Flavor said that he's not a woman beater and they're very precious to him. Howard asked him what it was that got him so upset. Flavor said that she burnt his bacon, that's what he was so upset about. Flavor said that she actually hit him first. He ended up going to jail over that.
Flavor said that they treated him real good in jail. He said that he got to touch hands and spread some knowledge in there. He said he was like the Don in there. He had plenty of protection while he was there too.
Howard asked the guys in Anthrax if they've been in jail. Before they could answer Howard said that they were being kind of boring. They couldn't get a word in with Flavor Flav talking so much.
Howard asked the guys in the band if they were millionaires. They said they're really not. Howard said that Flavor's teeth might be worth more than Anthrax is. Howard asked Flavor how much his teeth are worth. Flavor said that they were only $1,000. Howard said that he must be investing in gold instead of putting that money away. Flavor said that he handles all of his money himself and gives it all to his mom. Howard figures that Flavor has some kind of investment firm handling his money, he's just not talking about it.
Howard asked Flavor what kind of car he's driving. Flavor said that he has a 90 Vette in green... the color of money. He said he's got a Subaru too.
Howard asked the guys in Anthrax if they make a lot of money out on tour. They said that they lose money but they make a little on t-shirts. Howard said that he thought they made money going out on tour.
Howard went over the stuff that they had learned in there today. It wasn't all that much actually. Howard spent a few more minutes. Robin read some news about OutWeek magazine going out of business. The guys spent a short time talking about that. Flavor said that he doesn't think that what gay people do is right. He said that their equipment doesn't fit.
Robin had a few more news stories she read through. The guys all stuck around to comment on the stories she read. Robin read a story about Cher so Howard asked Flavor if he would bang her. Flavor wouldn't answer. The guys in Anthrax said ''no way.''
Gary told Howard that the guys were there to show Robin there penises. Howard told Gary to just give them their tickets. Flavor wanted to see them so he told Howard to have them come in. Three guys came in a few seconds later. Howard said that they were there to take their penises out to win tickets. Robin said she didn't want to see that and told them all to chicken out. They all did their thing as Fred played some rattlesnake sound effects. Flavor said that the guys had their meat out. Flavor told Howard to give them each 24 tickets for doing that. Howard asked the guys if it was worth it to win those tickets. They all seemed happy that they won. Howard let them go a short time later.
Robin got back to her news and read through a few more stories. She was having trouble getting through them with the guys constantly interrupting her. Robin wrapped up her news a short time later.
Howard thanked the guys from Anthrax for coming in. Howard also said he was going to play Flavor Flav's new song but he ended up playing Joe Piscopo's ''Kimberly'' song instead. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later.