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Howard started off the show talking about being back live after their vacation. He said it was a brilliant New Year and he had to play some Dick Clark stuff today. He also had some news about the ''Artie saga'' and had to explain why he wasn't there this morning. Robin didn't know a thing about that.
Howard went to Mexico for a week and stayed at the resort because he hates to go outside of the place. He's read so many horrible things about people being kidnapped down there. Howard said that Beth wanted to go into town and he asked her if she was out of her mind. Howard said that he'd rather go to Gaza than Mexico. Howard said that they sell some real crap in town there. He said that he's brought back more trinkets for people from Mexico. He said that he's done the same with Indian stuff from out in the mid-West. He tells Beth that he wants to write down the names of the people that Beth gives that crap to.
Howard said that people aren't going to wear that stuff. He said that he's one of those people who ends up buying that stuff to give to people. Howard said that he could bring back the Mexican E. Coli. He said he uses bottled water when he brushes his teeth down there. Howard said he's not looking to get sick from that. But then he washes his toothbrush with the water from the sink.
Howard said that he was reading Artie's book (Too Fat To Fish) down in Mexico. He said the book is really good and he really learned a lot from it. Howard gave him kudos for that. He said that his father says that word ''cud-ohs'' and he tried to correct him on it but the guy doesn't hear anything anymore. Howard said both of his parents can't hear anything now. He said it's very draining to have them over these days.
Howard said his mother and sister go into their own Transcendental meditation in a room at his place for hours. Then he gets stuck talking to his father for hours. Howard said he had to yell at his father so he could hear him and his father thinks that everyone else is mumbling to them. Howard said they want him to tell stories to them and he has to yell them all out. He said he ends up yelling to them the whole day.
Howard said his father started in with his sister telling her to cut her TM program short to visit with her brother. Then his mother says that it's good for the house to do the TM thing. Howard said it's fine that they do it and take a break from each other. Howard said his sister will get on him about hiding from the family and let out this laugh that's like the Joker.
Howard said that even Beth notices that he's drained after his family comes over. Howard said that her family will come over and just relax. He said his family likes a constant dialog and they'll ask him what's wrong if he takes a break from talking for a minute. He said his mother will ask him what's wrong if he stops talking. He said he's just listening and she gives him a hard time about that. He said he gets criticized about everything.
Howard said his sister will even give him a hard time about the beach there at his house out on Long Island. He said that she's complained about the beech being on a slant.
Howard said that he was feeling guilty about not being with his parents while he was down in Mexico. That's why he got together with them when he came home. Howard said it turns into a whole thing when he does have them over.
Howard said his father was asking him if he saw what was going on over in Israel. He said that stuff comes out of nowhere and he'll just ask him about this stuff in the middle of some other conversation.
Howard said that his father is all set up with 3 VCRs to tape the shows that he likes. He said that he tried to get his father to get a TiVo but that didn't work. Howard said that they're too complicated for them. Howard said he tried to set that up for his father but he was too confused by the way it worked. Howard did an impression of what that was like trying to explain it to him at his house. He said his father asked him to find him a VCR instead. Howard said he wanted to force him to use a TiVo but he's afraid of the technology. He said his father asked what it's recorded on. He said it doesn't matter but his father wants to know how he can watch this stuff around the house. Howard said he's not sure what to do with his father. He said he wants to break into the house and stick one in there.
Howard said he didn't know just how fucked up Artie really was. He said he thought that he was exaggerating with the stories he told because he was able to show up to work and stuff. He said that the book hit him like a ton of bricks about how fucked up the guy really is. He said he really loves Artie but he really needs help.
Howard said that he had been contacted by some guy to do an intervention with Artie but he didn't know the guy who came to him. Howard said that was through Gary.
Howard said he has no issues with Artie and the way he works. Howard said he shows up to work, he does his job and he's a delight to work with. Howard said that they've had an agreement from the beginning that Artie would have to be out sometimes. He said he has no problem with that. Howard said Artie does what he is hired to do and that's that.
Howard said that he knows that other people have had issues with Artie in their lives. He didn't want to say who this guy was who wanted to do the intervention. He told Robin that he'd tell her off the air. Howard said it didn't even matter how the guy knows Artie.
Howard said he always hears rumblings about what's going on with Artie. He said that when they get together everything seems to be fine. Howard said he knows that Artie is fat. Robin said he's also sad and there's an overwhelming aura of sadness around him as soon as the mics go off.
Howard said that when he got back from vacation he wanted to talk to Artie about his book and stuff. Howard said that he left him a message about that while they were away. Howard said that he got a call from Gary about a week ago that Artie had checked into a very intensive rehab. Howard said that he heard that his sister had sat down with him and also with Colin Quinn.
Howard said that Artie decided to check into the rehab and everything was supposed to be going great. Howard said that he told Gary to tell Stacy and Artie that he should take as much time off as he needs. Howard said he was thrilled that it was working out for him.
Howard said Gary heard that he was getting wheat grass enemas and stuff like that and he was getting sober. Howard said that it all sounded like things were going okay. Then he got a message at the start of the weekend from Artie. Howard said Artie told him that he was in rehab and he was feeling really good and hadn't felt better in his life.
Howard said Artie had been sober for 12 days when he got the call. He was telling him about how he thought he had the heroin thing beat. Howard said that was after just 12 days. Howard said he had lost 20 pounds and he was getting the wheat grass enemas. Howard said that he was feeling good and feeling the best he'd ever felt.
Howard said that Artie was going to miss Monday and Tuesday and he'd be back on Wednesday. Howard wondered what kind of rehab he was in to get back that soon.
Howard said he called Artie back and told him that was great news. He said that it was terrific and told him how great the book was and all of that. Howard said that he called Gary to let him know what he had just heard. Gary told him that it was all bullshit. Howard said that he didn't even get the story out yet. Gary told him that it was all bullshit.
Howard said that Gary told him that Artie was down in Miami on a boat with Ross. Howard said that he asked Gary what he was talking about. Gary told him that it was all bull because he had gone to a spa, not rehab. Howard said he figured that Artie couldn't get into a regular rehab and he went to a spa instead.
Gary said that the place is a detox place and not a rehab. It wasn't for an addict, it was more of the kind of place that Robin would go to.
Howard said that Artie spent the weekend in Miami with Ross and not at the spa. Robin asked what is wrong with all of these people. Howard said that Artie is missing two days of work but he's not even at rehab. Robin said that this is crazy. She said that she would do the same thing if she was going to go to ''rehab.'' Howard said he heard that Artie was down in Miami partying with other people.
Gary said that he heard that Stacy was trying to get some people to keep an eye on Artie but they all went and partied with him instead.
Gary said that he heard from Artie that he wasn't going to be back until January 17th. Then he got an e-mail from Teddy saying that he'd be back on the 13th. He said that was going to mean a 16 day rehab. Then someone else sent him a voice mail saying he would be back on the 7th. Then he got another e-mail saying that Artie will be appearing at Caroline's on the 9th. Gary wondered what the fuck was going on.
Howard said that he figured Artie could have just come back on time after all of that if he's not in a rehab. He said that Artie is feeling better from what he's heard. Robin said that Artie is really messed up.
Gary said that Artie was texting him from this supposed ''rehab'' he was in and he wondered how he was able to do that if they take away your phone in rehab. Gary also wasn't sure why he was texting him when he had his phone on him. He could have just called him.
Howard said that was the Artie saga so far. Howard said that he had Artie on the phone and picked up someone playing audio clips of Artie just laughing at them. Howard asked fake Artie if he was just jerking them around. They had Artie saying ''right'' and laughing at them.
Robin said ''poor Artie...'' Then they played Artie saying that he was better off just working by himself. Howard asked if Artie was going to be back on Wednesday. Artie said ''right.''
Howard said that was his Artie story. He didn't know what it all meant. Fred said that it was all bullshit. Fred said Artie does things half assed. Howard said Artie gives them plenty to talk about. They have a lot of content for the show.
Howard said that according to what Artie said, he's feeling better than ever. He said that the whole time he was calking he found out he was with Ross in Miami. Robin said that Ross is an enabler. She asked if Ross knew about the rehab thing. Gary didn't think he knew anything about it.
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Howard said that he heard from a lot of people about that special and how great they thought it was. Howard said that the guys who do that stuff spend a lot of time on it. Howard said that he had to give kudos to Tim Sabean too because it was his idea to do some long term projects with those tapes. Howard said that they were going to do the History of Howard Stern for Christmas of 2009 and he didn't want to wait that long. Howard said he knows now that it takes so long to make it.
Howard said that he's not going to put it out on a DVD or anything because this stuff is for the subscribers of SIRIUS.
The caller said that this special was better than the first one and it was absolutely amazing. Howard said that they did want to make something special with this thing and he's proud of those guys for doing what they did. The caller said it made him miss Sam Kinison a lot. Howard said he felt the same way about Sam. He said it was great to play that stuff for the fans and he thanked everyone involved for doing that.
Another caller said that the second part was more well produced than the first part. Howard said that the guys are getting better and better and they had even more material to work with because of the archiving he was doing. Howard said that he had to thank Jeff Schick for helping out with the archiving back then. He said they have more specials coming up too.
Howard said that Jeff Schick was able to help out with the archiving and they were able to save it all starting back then. The caller said it's great that he got all of those tapes back. Howard said that it really is great that he got those tapes back and it's a good thing that company sued him.
The caller asked Howard if he has a birthday special planned for next week. Howard said he has no plans and he's not going to celebrate anymore. Howard said he's turning 55 and he's officially an old fart. Howard said he's just getting old and he doesn't know how he got there.
Howard said he didn't work out over vacation and he was still able to lose weight. He said that he wanted to stay young so he stopped working out. Howard said that he got a sore throat on the day they were going on vacation. He thought he was going to be sick as a motherfucker so he stopped working out and just slept for two friggin days. Howard said he never got the cold. He said he tried to get back into working out and felt that tickle again. Howard said that he stopped working out again. Meanwhile Beth was working out every day and running.
Howard said he weighed himself after 2 weeks an he had lost weight. He said he just did portion control. Howard said he had a sensible breakfast every day and then he'd eat whatever he wanted for lunch but only in a small portion. Howard said he could eat any fattening food as long as he kept that portion small.
Howard said he ate some turkey lasagna and a chicken wrap yesterday and he was fine. He said that he's still able to watch his weight with the portion control.
Benjy said that he's lost about 18-20 pounds after he started that water fast he was on. Howard said that Bubba ended up getting re-signed to SIRIUS for another 2 years. He said that Benjy didn't have to keep up the water fast because of that.
The caller on the line asked what was going on with Sour Shoes getting into trouble while they were on break. Howard wasn't sure what was up with that. He said they'd talk to Lisa and Steve later on about that stuff.
The caller asked Howard what he did with Beth on New Year's Eve. Howard said that he'd get to that after taking some phone calls.
Another caller said that he's Mexican but he's not as bad as the people he was talking about. Howard said that he knows that they're not all bad. He said that he's just paranoid when he goes on vacation down in Mexico.
the caller told Howard how great the History special was. Another caller said he also thought it was hilarious. Howard said that they put a lot of hard work into that stuff. The caller pointed out that John DeBella was great on the special. Howard said that he called John and thanked him for being a part of that whole thing.
Another caller asked about the George Carlin comments they had about him. Howard said that he thinks they may have recorded that years ago. Howard said that he felt bad about not having George on the show the few times that he asked to come on in the past few years. He said he loved the guy. Gary said that it may have been from when they first started there in 2006.
The caller asked Howard what made Howard pick up the megaphone when he does the Ted Kennedy impression. Howard said that he likes it on the megaphone because it sounds more like he's calling into the show. Howard did the impression on and off of the megaphone to demonstrate the different sound.
The caller also asked about the song that Stuttering John performed where he sang about Howard being a ''Jew boy who thought he was a coon.'' He wondered if they could play the whole song because they didn't do that in the special. Howard said he doesn't think they ever played the full song on the air. The caller talked about how odd that whole situation was. Howard said that John didn't know that it was bad and thought the song was good. The caller said it was the first thing that John did for the show and he could have been kicked off the show for that.
Gary said that one of his favorite moments with Stuttering John was when he went out on the street during the OJ Trial and called black people ''colored people'' when they asked him about some interviews he had done.
Another caller said that he wrote Artie a letter earlier this year where he suggested some places for him to go. He said that he went to Integrity House in Newark himself and he suggested that he go there. The guy said that it takes a lifetime to stay away from heroin because it's such a great drug. The caller said that he was hooked on it again because it's so good. He said that he doesn't want to go back to that because it really is so good. He said that nothing inside of you gets destroyed by it though.
Howard said that Gary called him about this article in the NY Times and he was kind of upset about it. Howard said that he wasn't upset about it at all. Howard said that they were giving the economics of satellite radio and saying that the cars are where the satellite radio industry needs to grow and they're not doing very well. Howard said that they were also saying that he was irrelevant now. Howard said they quoted Jay Leno in that article too because that's what Jay had said about him.
Howard said that Jay Leno has a lot to think about him. He also said that they missed the point in the article. Howard said that he loves being on satellite because he's happy there. He said he's not angry about what he's getting paid or anything like that. Howard said he had no delusions that he was going to have as many listeners there as he did on terrestrial. Howard said his plan was to help save SIRIUS radio. Howard said he's helping this media emerge, not to have as many listeners as he had.
Howard said that he has hit every home run he could have possibly hit with this whole deal. Howard said that this is the biggest success story in the history of broadcasting. Howard said he turned the company from 600,000 listeners to 20 million in just a couple of years. Howard said it's a success as far as he's concerned.
Howard said that he has more listeners than Jay Leno has viewers. Howard said that they have 20 million subscribers between XM and SIRIUS and they probably have about 8 million of those people tuning into his show. Howard said that he's as relevant as Jay Leno is. Howard said that there are no listeners listening to terrestrial radio now.
Howard said that he's very gratified about the way his fans followed him over there. Howard said that he doesn't know where they're going to be at the end of 5 years. Howard said the stock price is in the toilet but he has no control over that. Robin said that they wonder if they can even survive. Howard said he hopes they can and he has faith that they can. Howard said that if satellite stopped tomorrow he could go back to terrestrial but he doesn't want that. Howard said that he'd probably stop tomorrow if satellite went away. Howard said if there isn't a place for him there then he'll leave.
Howard said he has satellite radio on in his home all day long. Howard said that he likes it. Robin said she hates listening to regular radio now and she didn't listen to anything when her rental car didn't come with satellite radio.
Howard asked Robin if she saw Dick Clark on New Year's Eve. Robin missed it so Howard told her that he has to play some for her because it's gotten really bad. Howard said Dick somehow owns New Year's Eve but he had a stroke and he can barely speak. Howard said he'd shut up if he had a stroke. Howard said that Steven Adler is a real bummer on the Celebrity Rehab show. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard congratulated Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell on the birth of their twins. Robin said that she heard that she really was on bed rest back when Howard's wedding was going on. She wasn't just making that up to get out of going to the wedding. Howard wondered if Jerry has her working out on the treadmill already.
Howard said that they named the kids Dolly and Charlie. Robin said they should take away celebrity's ability to name their kids. Howard said that he likes names like Dweezil and Mawgli. Howard said that those names are kind of cool.
Howard said he watched a bunch of movies over vacation. He said he hasn't seen Marley and Me yet. Howard said he gets so angry with the movie studios out there. He said they send out screeners to every schmuck out there and they don't send them to him. Howard said that he's the only one talking about these movies. Howard said it must be because he moved to satellite and lost his relevancy. He said he never even got them when he was on terrestrial radio.
Howard said that he hates saying that this movie was good but this Sean Penn was great in ''Milk.'' Robin said that he's brilliant in that movie. Howard said he thinks the movie is good but not as good as ''Slum Dog Millionaire.'' Fred said that was a great movie and he thinks that should win Film of the Year.
Howard said that ''Milk'' was really good and he's probably said some stuff about Sean Penn. Robin said he's an idiot but he's a great actor. Howard said that Sean is a great actor and you forget who the guy is when he's playing this part.
Howard said that Adam Sandler is a genius. Howard said they rented this movie ''House Bunny'' that Adam produced. He said that this woman becomes a house mother to a sorority and the movie turned out to be horrible. Howard said he looked it up and saw that it had made $50 million. Howard said that Sandler has to be a genius because he can sell shitty scripts to the public. Howard said that the woman who plays the house bunny is great. Howard said that he watched the whole movie but only because of her. Howard said that Beth and Beth's brother and his wife all watched it all the way through because of that woman.
Howard said he liked the movie ''Wanted'' with Angelina Jolie in it. Howard said that he watched that because of Angelina. He said the movie was shitty but she was great.
Howard also said that he liked ''Burn After Reading'' but Robin said she didn't like that at all. Fred said he liked it as well.
Robin said that she's not sure what ''Don't Mess with the Zohan'' is all about but she said that they showed it at this rehab center she was at. She said that was the movie they played there as entertainment on New Year's Eve. Robin said she didn't bother to go in to watch it. Robin said that within 30 minutes the movie was playing to an empty room. Howard said the movie made $100 million at the box office.
Howard said that his mother's friend is a movie buff and she heard about a movie from Israel that started with the letter Z. She told his mother about the movie and his mother thought it was this Zohan movie. Howard said his mother tried to watch the movie thinking it was this other movie. The kid behind the counter told her it was probably this Zohan movie when she said it was Israel and started with a Z. Howard said his parents put the DVD in and wondered what the hell it was all about an why they were watching it. He said that she got him a copy of it so he could tell them what they were missing. Howard said they told him that they had made a mistake after he got the copy so he never got around to watching it.
Howard read that Sean Penn was nominated for an award in ''Milk'' so he might have to vote for him. Howard said that this guy Josh Brolin is also good. Howard said that he's definitely not his father. Howard read about some other people who were nominated and mentioned Heath Ledger. Howard said he might have to vote for Robert Downey Jr. because he's actually done the show.
Howard said they were watching ''Milk'' and Beth's brother pointed out that the movie was good except for the gay kissing parts. Howard said that he saw Rumor Willis in this movie and figured that her parents must be embarrassed going to the premiere of the shit she was in.
Howard read about some other nominees and went through the lists of the female actresses. Howard pointed out some other bad movies.
Fred asked if Artie is doing the big He again. Howard said he really doesn't know. Howard said he doesn't think that he is doing it. Howard said that he thinks that Artie was saying that he was off the Subutex and wasn't craving anything. Robin didn't think that was right either.
Howard said that all he knows is that Artie was lying to him about being in rehab and he had called him to congratulate him on that. Then he finds out that he's on a yacht with Ross. Howard said that Artie is taking off another two days to recover from his vacation this week. Howard said that he's not sure what Artie is doing today. He said that Lisa needs to find out more about that.
Lisa read an e-mail from Artie that she got. He claimed that he had been in rehab for 5 days. Lisa congratulated him on that and told him she was proud of him. She told Howard she was texting him and telling him to hang in there.
Howard said it turns out that Artie was just in a spa and not in rehab. Howard said maybe he should have been at the intervention.
Lisa said that they heard from a listener that Stacy and Colin were out to dinner and assumed that they were planning an intervention. Lisa said that Artie was joking around with her in the texts and stuff and she had no idea that he wasn't in rehab.
Lisa asked Howard if he would ever tell Artie he needs to get help. Howard said he did suggest it to him. Howard said he got really sad for him when he read his book. Lisa said that he really needs help. Howard said he does and he just won't get it.
Howard said he has this message from Artie that he wants to play on the air. He said that he wants to wait for him to come back before he does that. Lisa said the whole cycle is going to start over again because he's going to joke about the whole rehab thing.
Howard said that he read that MartinLutherKing.org is owned by some racist group. He was about to get into that when he took a call from the fake Artie. They had Artie laughing about the whole situation. Howard would say something about rehab and the guys would play clips of Artie laughing at them for thinking that he was really in rehab.
Howard got back to the story about the MartinLutherKing.org site. It's owned by a racist group that posts stuff about him that the family doesn't believe is true. Howard read through that and said that the people claim that they don't use his real name so they can claim anything they want to on the site. Howard said that those people even try to refute some black inventions.
Howard said that John Travolta's son died while they were away. Howard said that people are going to say that this had to do with the whole Scientology thing. Howard said that people are jumping up John Travolta's ass about all of that. Howard said that Travolta's kid had autism but he denied it. The kid wasn't able to read and stuff. Howard said that he was also known for having seizures and the meds he was on were losing their effectiveness. Howard said that he can't believe that people are jumping all over him so fast though. The kid just died.
Howard said that Travolta has a house where he can fly his plane right into the garage. Howard said the guy loves planes so much he lives in a neighborhood where he can fly to his house.
Howard said that he read that Travolta took like 50 of his friends to an island in the Bahamas for vacation. Howard said that he flew them down but he won't be able to fly them back because he's so distraught. Howard said that he likes to read that because it shows that he really did care that much. Howard read that they had to pull John off of the kid when he was trying to resuscitate him. Howard said he feels bad for this guy.
Howard said he can't imagine losing a kid like that. Howard said that at least they have another kid. Howard said that he's known people who have lost both of their kids.
Howard asked what Robin saw when she had the mirror there. She said all she saw was doody. She didn't see anything else.
Howard asked who else was there when she was at the spa. Robin didn't have any other stories about celebrities or anything. Howard said that she could talk about who else was there and what she saw. Robin was saying that they only take a certain number into the spa but they all do the same thing at the same time. Robin said that her regular colonic person is a guy. She said that she wears a drape to cover her up when she's getting it done.
Howard was asking about what the guy gets to see. Robin said that she's covered up so the guy doesn't really see anything. She said that she lays on her side and he can't see her labia or anything like Howard thought he could.
Howard asked if the guy can see her when she stands up. Robin said that the guy doesn't see anything. She said that her vagina is in the front and the guy only sees her from behind and only a little bit. Robin said that you have to lay on your side and then lay on your back. She said that the people stay in the room the whole time.
Robin said that she has gotten so used to the guy who gives her the colonic that she barely even notices he's there. She said they just have regular conversations during those things.
Howard asked how much water they use. She said it's constantly running. Robin said that she can hold the water in when she gets her ''fill.'' She said that sometimes they'll even tell her that she's doing a good job with that. Howard asked how long it takes before she can take a regular doot. Robin said she goes every day.
Robin said there was one day when they told her to take castor oil so they could get it all out of her. She said that they weren't happy with what they were getting out of her. Robin said that she gets them once a week when she's home. Robin said that she was going to try the castor oil and figured she would be doing it at 9am. Robin said that she took the castor oil at 8 in the morning and it turned out her appointment wasn't until 1:45. Robin said that it all came out before then so they were kind of disappointed in what came out. Fred told her she should have taken a picture of it to show the colonic people.
Howard played a song parody, from Sal, about Robin's colonics and how nuts she is for doing that stuff. Howard played another one from Richard about her big black boobs and how she has too much money.
Howard wondered why that was great news. Lisa said she thought it was good that he didn't have any cellulite on his ass.
Lisa said that they have a story about the kid who was on the cover of Nirvana's ''Nevermind'' album. The kid wants to be on the Howard Stern Show.
Howard thanked her for that report and asked Lisa what she did on New Year's Eve. She said she took a spin class and went out to dinner with her cousin. Howard said he was sorry about that. He said he was sorry that she didn't have a man.
Howard said he and Beth were in bed by 9 o'clock that night. He said they just had dinner with Beth's brother and his wife.
Lisa asked Howard if he saw the Kathy Griffin thing. Howard said he saw some of that. Howard said that they paired her up with Anderson Cooper and that was a very odd pairing. Howard said that Kathy ended up getting into trouble for saying some stuff on CNN. Howard said that she had some guy heckling her the whole time so she turned to the guy and went off on him saying ''I don't go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth.'' She was still on the air at the time.
Howard said that there was something wrong with Kathy's voice in that clip too. She was yelling an sounded like she had some phlegm. Howard said that was a bad pairing. Howard said he was going to get to the Dick Clark stuff but he had to take another break.
Howard said that Dan also created an ''Auld Lang Syne'' that he played before they went on vacation. It had clips from the show that they had used in the past years. Howard played that one as well.
Howard said he was going to get to the Dick Clark clips. He said that Dick missed out on a few years there and the ratings went down. This year they were down but not as low as they had been in years past. Howard said that Dick doesn't host the whole show, he has Ryan Seacrest to help him out. Howard said that he's not clear on whether or not Dick should be on that special or not. He said that some people might have hope when they see him on TV and figure anyone could be on TV.
Howard said they say that they sanitize TV too much by not having people with afflictions like that on TV. Howard said he might agree with that.
Howard played some audio of Dick Clark being introduced by Ryan Seacrest. Howard goofed on Ryan as soon as he heard the way he said the word ''honor.'' In the clip Dick comes on and mumbles some stuff that the guys didn't understand. Dick then talked about how there's no place like Times Square. Howard said that next year he's going to co-host with Kirk Douglas.
Robin said she likes hearing this and thinks that they should keep doing it so they can hear if he's getting better or not. Howard said that he isn't going to get better. He might stabilize but he won't get better.
Howard said he doesn't get the whole New Year's Eve thing an going down there to freeze with so many people out there. Robin said you're not even allowed to drink out there.
Howard said he likes Dick Clark and he's not sure why he'd want to be out there doing that. Robin said that might be the only reason he's still alive. Howard said that the people at ABC must wonder about how they can get rid of Dick. They probably figure it would make them look bad if they did fire him. Howard created the conversation that Dick might have with the head of ABC every year. Robin said it would be like talking to Crackhead Bob.
Howard kept that conversation going and had Dick talking to the ABC guy for a couple of minutes. Robin was laughing but said that wasn't funny. Howard said that she was encouraging him by laughing at him. Howard was doing his Dick Clark impression as if it were Crackhead Bob.
Howard wondered if ABC wants him over there because he was all over the show that night. Howard played more audio from the special where Dick was trying to speak after some people threw it to him. Dick was mumbling and barely understandable.
Howard said he loves Dick and he'd love to have him on the show. Robin said he'd probably be telling Dick to quit. Howard said he doesn't call in anymore.
Ralph called in and said that it's a real bummer to see Dick now. He said that he looks 100 years old and he's missing a tooth. He said that the guy is such a mess.
Howard went into his impression of Dick again and spoke to the guy from ABC. Fred was doing his Dick impression as Crackhead Bob too.
Ralph said that Dick kisses his wife at the end and that was disturbing too. Howard said that was kind of cute. Ralph said that it wasn't cute, it was just depressing. He said they just kind of pressed their faces together.
Howard played some more audio of Dick talking about what they were going to be doing that night. Dick was saying a lot but it was very hard to understand his stroke impaired speech.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard to replay the part where Dick says ''Holy mackerel!'' Howard did that and the guy on the phone was laughing his ass off.
Howard said he wonders what goes on at ABC when they have to make that decision every year. Howard read an article about the show and how well it did in the ratings. Howard said that they have declined over the past 3 years and they aren't going to stand for that over at ABC.
Robin said that Ryan Seacrest obviously isn't a draw. Howard said that's because he's a douche. Howard said that he would get rid of Ryan before he'd get rid of Dick. Howard said that would be an interesting conversation when they have to tell Ryan that they're replacing him with Dick.
Howard said that they shouldn't have any cops there in Times Square. They should just let people down there get robbed and stuff because they're idiots for showing up down there. Howard said that they can stand there in their frozen urine.
Howard said that there was a guy who was trying to get out of the crowd one time and the cops arrested him. He was just trying to leave the area.
Howard played some more audio of Dick talking about the ball dropping and how they're going to leave it up for a long time this year instead of putting it away like they have in the past. Dick then threw it to Ryan who said ''You are right about that!'' like he had no idea what he was saying. Howard said maybe they should drop Dick from the sky instead of that ball.
Howard said he figures that there are kids out there thinking that Dick is Arnold Schwarzenegger's brother or something with that odd accent.
Howard played another clip where the ball was dropping an Dick was talking about what a big deal it was. Howard said it's just torturous. Howard said maybe it's not that big of a deal for Dick but he really cares about the guy. Robin said that what bothers her is that Ryan calls Dick his ''buddy.''
Howard played more of Dick counting down and mumbling more. Dick didn't let Ryan get in on the countdown. Howard said that Ryan must get pissed about that and he must tell people that he can count down better than anyone in the business.
Howard said that after that show Dick called and ordered Chinese take out. He played the Crackhead Bob prank call where he tries to order some Chinese food.
Ralph was back on the phone after that. He said that Ryan also calls Dick ''Boss'' during the show. Howard played some of that audio where Ryan asks Dick some questions and Dick talks about the great times he has there in Times Square every year.
Howard said that he feels sad when he sees Ryan. Ralph said that he laughs. Howard played more of the audio where Dick throws it to a woman who says ''This is so amazing!'' Howard said that there's nothing going on there, there's nothing amazing about it. Ralph said he thinks that was Kelly Pickler who was going crazy there.
Ralph said he thinks that Bob is actually more understandable than Dick Clark. Howard said they should have done a New Year's Eve special with Bob. Robin said that Bob would have problems with the numbers and he'd have to count out the number of years that he had been there.
Howard played another clip where Dick was talking about what was going on out there and talking about how great it was. Howard said he can see a cop walking by and arresting him for being so drunk that he can't even speak.
Howard played a clip where Ryan calls Dick his ''boss'' so Howard goofed on that. Howard also wondered why America is embracing that douche. In another clip Dick and Ryan were talking about the cold weather out there in Times Square. Dick said that you haven't lived until you've gone through rain, sleet and snow all in the same night. That led to Fred and Howard doing their Dick Clark impressions even more.
Ralph said that was fun to watch. Howard said that he doesn't get why they make such a big deal out of the New Year's thing. Ralph said that the people down there are retarded and happy to be there.
Howard let Ralph go and took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn. Mariann said she thinks that SIRIUS should be out there next year and she'd do the show if they wanted. Mariann was also talking about the History of Howard Stern special and how much she loved that. Howard hung up on her in the middle of a sentence.
Howard said that the guy who played Commissioner Gordon on the original Batman just died. His name was Pat Engle. Howard read some stuff about his life and then had to go to break.
Howard said that he was watching this Hugh Hefner special where Pam Anderson came out naked and gave him a cake. He thought that was kind of odd.
Howard mentioned that Artie wasn't there because he's at this spa that he's calling ''intensive rehab.'' Howard said that it turns out he's just out on a yacht with Ross Zapin.
Howard asked if Ross was in yet because he wants to talk to him about what was going on down there in Miami. Gary said that Ross wasn't in yet.
Howard said he was reading an article about this pilot who yelled out that he wasn't qualified to land the plane he was flying. Howard found the article where they said that the guy wasn't qualified to land in fog. Howard said that after flying for 30 years you'd think that the guy would be qualified.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that there are rehabs in Miami and maybe Artie is detoxing down there. Howard said that Artie wouldn't go to a rehab, he would only go to this spa thing that Colin Quinn had gone to. Howard said that he wants Artie to do well and he's not mad at him or anything.
Dominic talked about how great the History of Howard Stern was. Howard said that Dominic left him a message over vacation and it led to him saying that he will never take a call from him off the air again. Howard said that he doesn't care about what he called him about.
Dominic dropped a name of a woman that he's seeing now and didn't introduce her at all before dropping her name. Dominic said that this girl jogs 9 miles a day. Howard said he thought that Dominic had said that she was a newscaster. Dominic said that's not what he said. Fred backed him up on that.
Howard said that he got the weird voice mail from Dominic and he just said he was done with this guy. He said that he had to be done with his drama and he wasn't sure why he was calling him or why his ex-wife is calling him. He said that he just wants to forget about it all.
Dominic said that Howard owes him some love and respect after 24 years of knowing him. Howard said he does love and respect him. He just doesn't want to talk to him off the air anymore. Robin said she made the mistake of picking up the phone and talked to him. Howard said he didn't even call him back.
Howard said he came to some heavy revelations over vacation. Howard said he was playing a lot of chess. Howard said he's still playing even though his tutor thought he wasn't going to last long at all.
Howard said he's not going to fight with anyone who won't listen to him. He said that he doesn't care about Dominic's divorce and doesn't want to get involved in that drama. Howard said that's not his doing. He said he's just a guy trying to get through life.
Howard read a story about Charles Barkley getting into some trouble when he blew a stop sign. His excuse was that he was on his way to pick up a chick who gave him the best blow job of his life the week before. It turned out they arrested him for drunk driving. Howard said he ended up taking a Breathalyzer test. Howard said that most celebrities will refuse to take it.
Howard said that this Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and how ballsy he is. Dominic Barbara called in and said that you have to take a Breathalyzer or you can lose your licenses. They spent a minute on that and then this woman from the charity that Dominic had spent some money at called in and said that Dominic didn't send in the money that he had claimed he was going to send in. The last time they spoke about this Dominic told them that he was going to send them an extra $1,000 and he didn't do it. The woman, Eileen, was saying that they can't get the money that Dominic had send.
Howard asked Eileen if she had Dominic's card number. She said that she did. Dominic said that he will give the other $1,000 in blood. Dominic said that he spent $5,000 with that charity so far. Howard cut him off and wanted to straighten this out.
Eileen got in some plugs for this Bright Step Forward charity that she was working with. Robin said that they are a tough group. Dominic said that they are kind of scary. He said he's more afraid of them than he is of the Mafia.
Another caller said that Dominic was leaving out some information about the DUI stuff and losing your license. Howard said he really didn't give a shit. Howard said he doesn't have to worry about driving drunk because he won't drink when he's driving. He said he might have one glass of wine but that's it. Just one.
Howard said that Rob Burnett from Letterman's show told him that the fans want him to velcro himself and throw himself against the wall again but they just move on from that stuff.
Howard said he was reading Artie's book where he writes about crapping his bed and leaving the crap in the bed of the hotel room he was in. Howard said that some producer had that room under his name and Artie left it a mess. Howard said he wants to talk to the guy about that and find out what happened.
Howard said that he wanted to talk to Orlando Jones too. He said that Artie was his room mate for a while and Orlando won't return his calls. Artie doesn't get why that is. Howard said that he would be afraid of him if he were Orlando. Howard said that Artie put him through a lot of stuff back then. Howard said he gets why he's not calling him. He said he'll fill Artie in on that when he comes back on Wednesday.
Howard said there was also this great story about Al Franken out in Minnesota. They had to do a recount of the votes and they found that there were some extra votes in someone's trunk. Now Al thinks that he won and the other guy may have to file an injunction and stop the whole process. They may not have a senator from Minnesota for the new year.
Howard said that he can't believe that they can't get an election right in 2008. Howard said that it's unreal that they can't figure this stuff out.
Howard said that it shows you how bad the advertising is on terrestrial radio when they're taking ads for satellite radio on terrestrial. Howard said the auto industry is in the shithole and now they're even letting him do commercials on terrestrial.
Robin asked Mike to stop calling her friends. Mike didn't know who she was talking about. It turned out to be this guy who calls himself Gypsy.
Howard said that he got some audio of David Lee Roth from when they were recording a Van Halen album. They turned the clips into an Audio Drops page on the web. Howard played some of the clips. Howard said that you know that they'll be making some phony phone calls with those clips. Howard played through some of the David Lee Roth clips and said that he's just not that cool anymore.
The other caller said he loved the History special. The guy said the Tapes Team did a great job with that. The caller also asked what's going on with the Eric the Midget doll. The guy's voice was kind of strange so Robin asked what was up with that. Howard said he's not sure what's up with the doll right now. Howard said he might have to give the go ahead. Gary said that was what they were waiting for.
One of the callers asked if Howard had seen that ''Mama's Boy'' show. Howard said he hadn't seen it but he's heard about it. Howard said he also heard that Ryan ripped the show idea off but he claims he didn't. Howard said that all people have to do is listen to his radio show and they'll know that he can't come up with any show ideas on his own.
Howard said he doesn't think it's that hard to throw together a hit reality show. Howard said his old writer Mark Cronin has done it with a few reality shows.
Howard said he can't bring himself to watch a Ryan Seacrest produced reality show. The caller said he curses the guy every time he watches it but he likes the show. Howard said he won't watch it, he's boycotting it.
Howard mentioned that he read that Mia Farrow had lost one of her daughters. He said that he read that she may have gotten something from a bad tattoo. Howard said he told Beth he's not getting anymore tattoos after reading that.
Sal came in and said that the call actually went on for a full 5 minutes. They cut it down to the shorter call for the air. Howard said they might have to check out the full 5 minutes some time.
Howard said that he had a guy on the phone who wanted to ask Sal how his vacation was. He picked up but the guy was sleeping and snoring. Howard wanted to know how Sal's vacation was too and Sal was saying it was just alright.
Howard said the caller wanted to know if Sal's wife's emotional friend liked his gift. Sal said that he loved it. Howard said that Sal's wife had claimed that she bought some cologne for their 7 year old son. Sal said he didn't see the kids open up the cologne. He said that his kid came up to him and gave him the cologne so he's not sure what was going on with that whole thing.
Howard was still listening to the guy snoring and wondered if he had a condition or something. He figured that the guy must be single after hearing the guy snoring. Sal said they should move him to Howard 101 and let it run all day. Howard stayed quiet so they could get some clean audio of the snore for making phony phone calls.
Howard said he can see Sal calling up and using the clip as a donkey or something. Sal said they do one with Mike Walker and a sheep. Howard said this guy could replace Artie if he doesn't come back from rehab.
Sal said that New Year's Eve was tough because his son's head caught on fire. Sal said that he lost a tooth and he was trying to rinse his son's mouth out. He said that his sister had a candle in the bathroom and it was next to the faucet. The kid went to rinse out his mouth and his hair caught on fire. Sal said that his father went off on him about the smell of the hair burning. They weren't able to eat and had to air out the house.
Ross said that Artie told him that he heard from Artie but they never were able to hang out. He said he heard that Artie was doing good and he had lost 15-20 pounds. Howard said that Palm Beach, where Artie was supposed to be, and Miami are like 75 miles apart. Ross said he could have driven that far.
Steve Langford came in with his news preview. Steve said that Artie is out today and he's the number 1 most searched term on Google this morning. Steve said that they have a story about Captain Janks getting into more trouble with some club owners who claim that he's been ripping them off.
Howard had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon tried to get to it but the snoring guy was still on the line making noise as he was going through that. They went to break a short time later.
Robin started off with a story about home schooled kids and how more and more families are doing it. Howard said that he thinks that these parents get really lazy about the teaching and don't make the kids read or anything. Robin said that they don't know how to get these kids ready for life. Robin said that they found that 1.5 million kids were schooled at home in 2007. Howard said he would have liked it if his parents had home schooled him but that's just because there were too many black kids at his school. He said there were only like 2 white kids there.
Howard said that his mother teaching him anything would have been rough. Howard said his father never taught him anything. He said that his father told him to mow the lawn one time and then yelled at him when he didn't do a good job. He had no idea how to do it so of course it was messed up.
Robin read a story about a Muslim family that was kicked off a flight when they were discussing where the safest spot to sit on the plane was. Howard said he gets why people would be kind of shaky about that.
Robin read a story about some research that was done that found there is something called third hand smoke. Howard tried to figure out what that was. Robin said it's when tobacco toxins creep into carpets and other things. She said that a study was done on that and found that it's dangerous to kids.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if they would replay an old show that he liked seeing. Howard said that they could do that. The guy also asked Howard when he's going to cut his hair. Howard said it's already pretty short. Howard said he's turning ''double nickels'' on January 12th but he's trying to hang on to that youthful appearance. Howard said he can't believe he's going to be 55. He said he's feeling old these days and always feels tired. Robin said she feels fine and she's even older than Howard is.
Howard said he's trying to hang on to that youthful appearance. He has the younger wife, the hair and plenty of sleep. Howard said that maybe he's sleeping too much. Howard said he's constantly napping and it's awful. He said it's really not living. Robin asked if he felt like he was living during vacation. Howard said he was and he was doing a lot of banging.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about twins that were born and one was black and one was white. They were born at the same time. They have strikingly different skin color and eye color. Howard said sounds like the story line from The Jerk. Howard said it obviously can happen. That led to Howard and Robin talking about who the darkest black person in America might be. Robin thought for a short time and said that it might still be Wesley Snipes.
Howard said that Michael Clark Duncan might be up there. Robin said that she still thinks it's Wesley Snipes. Howard said that Don Cheedle might be trying to get that title.
Robin read a story about a man who bought a lottery ticket, and died before the numbers were picked, then his wife ended up winning $10 million. The guy suffered a heart attack and died and the wife ended up winning the 10 million. Howard said that's horrible. He'd hate for his wife to have that kind of fun after he died.
Robin read a story about a kid who killed his sister in the neck and eye and then sexually assaulted her. He was later found at a party and arrested.
The caller said that Artie went to the table but then he turned around and ran off so he's not sure what happened.
Howard said he had the real Artie on the phone. It was really him, not audio clips. Artie said he was getting calls about him being out on a boat with Ross. Artie said that he wasn't on the boat but he is going to this rehab thing. Artie said that he went through 8 days of hell. Howard said that he has to come in and talk about this stuff.
Artie said that the intervention that his sister and Colin Quinn did was the most retarded thing since he tried to do the intervention with KC.
Artie said that his sister and Colin showed up at his door one day and did this intervention thing. Artie said that he was back to doing everything again. He was back on heroin so of course he was lying about it.
Howard asked Artie how he ended up in Miami if he was in this rehab. Artie laughed. He said he went to this place in South Florida that Colin found for him. He said it's a place where people go to get off drugs and get cured of tons of other things. He said that it's not a health spa. Artie said that everyone there has a lot of problems. Artie said they're not locked down and he didn't go anywhere for 8 whole days. Howard and Robin laughed when they heard that ''8 whole days'' thing.
Howard asked Artie about going to Nobu in Miami. Artie said that he did go there but he's in a hotel in Miami right now. Artie said that he's not at work because he's still doing treatments at this place. He said he didn't like the room he was staying in so he had to go to a hotel. He said he's been commuting about an hour each way to go to this rehab.
Artie said that he's going through some intense shit out there. He's had colonics, wheat grass shit and other stuff. Howard asked if he likes it. Artie said it's gross but they convince you that you need it. He said this woman told him that Elvis had an 80 pound colon when he died.
Artie said that he's scared to death of getting blood work done but they did it down there and found that he has high cholesterol and high blood pressure. He said that the only good thing was that his liver enzymes were okay except for one. Artie said that they put him on treatments for this wheat grass thing where they put it up your ass. Artie told Robin that coffee is acidic and this wheat grass is alkaline. He said that this stuff goes to your liver within seconds.
Artie said that they did these extreme treatments for 2 days and he felt like he had to go to the hospital. They told him that it was all of the poisons leaving his body and then a few days later he was feeling amazing. Artie said that he couldn't do more than 3 minutes on a treadmill but now he's up to like 20 minutes and he's doing 2 miles in those 20 minutes. Artie said that he's feeling great after going through all of this stuff.
Howard asked Artie how his bleeding ulcer is. Artie said they told him that it was all psychological according to these people. It's actually acid reflux.
Artie said that he got to the 7th day on this program and he feels like a new person. Howard said he got nervous when he heard this on the message he left for him. Artie said that he has been clean for 2 weeks and he will totally submit to drug tests if he wants. Howard said he doesn't have to do that, he doesn't want him to do that stuff. Howard said that other people have come to him asking him to do an intervention with Artie but he has no reason to do that. Howard said he has no problem with Artie an if he's fucking up, it's not with him. Howard said he might be fucking up with other people but not with him.
Artie said that he would submit to random drug tests, just let him know when they're going to be. Artie said that he's got this therapist who has an Indian accent and it's so relaxing to hear him speak. Artie said that the guy is telling him to pretend that he's already gotten through this stuff. Robin said that's a guided meditation.
Howard took some phone calls and let some fans ask him some questions. One guy said that Artie just swore on his father's grave that he wasn't doing dope. Artie said that his father was an atheist and so is he so that's nothing. Artie said his father was a counterfeiter so c'mon.
Howard said that he read Artie's book and it was great. Artie said he appreciates that. Robin said that Artie was lying to Howard and he has to admit to that. Artie said that he's not really his boss and he doesn't look at him that way.
Another caller said that Artie is funny with the bullshit he tells. He asked about this rehab center that he's going to. Artie said that the name of the place is Hippocrates and it's down in South Florida. Robin knew about the place and said that it's a well known wellness center.
Howard said he heard that Artie's sister and Colin Quinn tried to get him to go to a rehab but he refused and would only agree to go to this place. Artie said that his sister wanted him to go to Monticello, New York to a rehab center. Artie said that he's going to try and do this stuff in New York. Artie said that there are people down there trying to get off of all kinds of stuff.
Howard told Artie that he has heard about the people they sent down to watch Artie down in Florida. Artie asked how he found out about all of that. Howard said he has all kinds of information about him. Artie said he almost went to the Spearmint Rhino down there because it's within walking distance of the wellness center.
Artie said he knows that Gary thinks this is bullshit but he swears that he is getting better. Artie said that he has this chick that hangs around with him and she may not be the best influence on him. Robin said he knows who he's talking about an she is trouble.
Artie said he weighed 301 pounds when he left for this place. Now he's down to at least 280. Artie said that he's losing weight, shaving and has some clarity being off the dope. Artie had some room service coming up and was yelling at the person to just come in.
Howard told Artie it was getting late so he had to let him go. Artie said that he was sorry for calling in so late. Howard told him not to worry about it. Artie got in some plugs for the Caroline's shows he's doing later this week and he said that he'll talk about that when he comes in on Wednesday. Artie is going to be there on Thursday night.
Ralph called in and said that he's glad to hear that he's alright. Artie had to put the phone down to go get his room service. Howard said he doesn't have high hopes for this rehab thing.
Artie came back so Howard asked Artie to put him on the phone so he could ask him some questions. The guy got on the phone and said that he was eating an omelet an orange juice. It was a spinach and mushroom omelet but no toast. Howard was impressed with the food he was getting. Howard asked if there was any heroin or cocaine in the room. Howard asked if the bed had been defecated in. The guy didn't understand what they were saying. Howard let him go.
Artie got back on the phone so Ralph asked him about this rehab he's in. Artie said he's in a hotel right now. Artie said he'd like to see Howard last 4 seconds in this rehab place. Artie said that he was skeeved by the room, the rugs and there was no water pressure there.
Howard told Artie that they'd see him on Wednesday when he returns. Artie said that it wasn't that great down in Miami for very long. He said that if you have a drug problem this place he's going to is really good.
Howard told Artie that they'll have some discussions about all of this stuff when he returns. Howard said he'll tell him about why Orlando Jones won't talk to him and all of that. Artie said that Orlando actually did try to call him so he might be wrong about it.
Howard let Artie go and said he'll do a more extensive interview on Wednesday. He said that was only 45 minutes and they'll probably end up doing 2 hours on Wednesday.
Robin said that Tom Cruise claims that he overcame dyslexia thanks to Scientology. She read through that and then talked about the Al Franken election story.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she's getting tired of Artie and what he's putting his mother and sister through. Her phone kept cutting out but Howard told her not to repeat herself. He told her to call on Wednesday and talk to Artie then. Howard said that their new ''annoying filter'' must have cut in during her call. That must be what was cutting in on Mariann.
Howard took another call from a guy who wondered why Artie had to go to Miami to get a hotel when there are great hotels all over Florida. Robin said that he's saying that he needs time away from his rehab. She said that she wants to go down to see how hellish those rooms are at the place there at the wellness center.
Another caller said that he lives right down the street from John Travolta and that kid definitely had autism. He said he worked with kids like that in schools and he knows that it was autism. Howard said that's what a lot of experts are saying too. The guy said that John is a great guy and he's done a lot for the community down there.
Robin read some news about this new senator that was appointed by Governor Rod Blagojevich. Robin also read some news about Bernard Madoff who made off with people's millions. Howard said that's a great name for the guy since he made off with people's money. Robin said that a guy tried to give him $10 million recently even though he's been in this trouble he's in.
Robin had some audio of Dick Cheney talking about how the war in Iraq was a good thing. Howard interrupted that and said he heard that Kevin Bacon and Kira Sedgewick lost a lot of money with that Madoff guy. Howard said that sucks because their life savings was wiped out because of this guy.
Robin had some news about Israel and their attacks on Gaza. She had some audio of people talking about what's going on there. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about that story.
Robin read a story about President Elect Obama moving into a hotel in Washington DC while they wait for the day they can move into the White House. Robin had some news about Bon Jovi hosting a fund raiser for Hillary Clinton to help pay for the debt she incurred during her run.
Robin said that Tyra Banks has a new TV show coming out. She had some audio of her talking about how the show is a cross between Top Model and Punk'd. Robin read that the number 1 movie at the box office was ''Marley and Me.'' She had some audio of that as well.
Robin said there's a new Bachelor show starting up soon. Howard said he's already got it on his TiVo. Robin had some audio of the new guy talking about what he's looking for in the women on the show.
Robin had some audio of a woman making fun of Ozzy Osbourne during the taping of Charm School. The contestant was goofing on Ozzy and Sharon got up and poured a drink on her. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:55am.
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Jon said that Artie might think that it's a version of rehab that he can handle but it's really not rehab. Gary said that Artie does sound great after hearing him this morning. He believes that he is detoxifying an getting the drugs out of his system. Gary said that the part he's worried about is Artie staying off the drugs. Gary said he's see the way things go on Celebrity Rehab.
Gary said that Artie has talked about this stuff before. He thinks that Artie's sister and Colin Quinn really wanted him to go to a rehab center but this was the best they could get him to go to. Jon said that it's better than what Artie was doing at home.
Gary said he doesn't think that he was that far off with his bullshit comments. He said that Artie called him some names and he'll probably do that on Wednesday but the problem is that Artie still thinks that this is a rehab and it's really not.
Gary said that the funny thing is that Artie is now doing all of the stuff that he used to make fun of Robin for doing just a few months ago. Jon said they'll see how he's holding up on Wednesday when he comes in.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Artie is so used to being pampered that he doesn't want to go to rehab. He said that he knows what it's like to turn over his life to someone else. The caller said that this might be perfect for him and he hopes he can go through it.
Gary said that they do things a certain way for a reason and that way works for certain people when they do it that way. He's not sure that what Artie is doing is going to work.
The caller asked a question about the calls they make to the people who they prank call and why we never hear those calls. Gary said they're not really that interesting. He said that some people never give permission and they may never be able to play those calls. The caller said he'd like to hear one once in a while where they call and get permission.
The next caller said he wanted to talk about this rehab thing. He asked if there's a member of the tapes team who has to replace the name ''Alison'' with the words ''my wife'' in the History of Howard Stern. Gary said he didn't know anything about that but that would be kind of funny.
Gary was also pointing out that the fans who went off on him about not believing Artie when he swore on his father's life. Artie admitted today that he was lying and the swearing on his father's life doesn't really mean anything.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what makes Robin such an expert on everything. Gary said that's what she's there for. Her opinion is a part of the show. The caller said that she seems to think that she's a medical expert on the show and she thinks she knows everything about everything. The guy said that she seems to think that what she says is the law and no one ever busts her on that. Gary said that's not true. Gary said that Artie has broken Robin's balls about a bunch of sports stuff.
The caller said that Howard rarely goes after Robin when she's wrong. Gary said that he and Artie have gone after Robin about stuff. The caller said that's true but no one else really does.
One caller asked why Robin gets colonics if she's a vegan and she's not putting any toxins into her body. Jon said that maybe it's the toxins in the air. Benjy said that's what it is. They also think that there are parasites in people's bodies and that's another reason they get it done.
Jon asked Gary if he would ever get a colonic. Gary said that he's thought about it when he gets sick. He said that he does wonder about it when he gets ill and wonders if he could be cured by getting one.
Jon asked Gary how long the colonics thing has been going on with Robin. Gary said that the first time she talked about it she told a story about passing a carrot and how everyone in the room cheered her on.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she has heard the stories that Artie tells on the show and she thinks that they sound very similar to the things she's said and she has A.D.D. She said that maybe Artie has A.D.D. too. The woman said that she feels like a kindred spirit with Artie when she hears him talking about certain things and wondered if he has ever tried to get treatment for that.
Gary said he's not sure what the definition of A.D.D. is because Artie seems to be able to concentrate on things and get them done. The woman was saying that Artie would have to get his brain chemicals normalized and it's not that crazy to have to get something like that done. The caller said that she felt like she had this fog lifted off of her when she started taking stuff to normalize her brain chemicals.
Gary asked the woman to explain what A.D.D. is but do it quickly. She said that it means many different things to different people. She gave some definitions for it and said that almost anything you do that's not normal can be considered A.D.D. Jon cut her off and said that he had to move along. Gary said that he was looking at the definition of it on the web and it said it wasn't a specific disease.
Jon took another call from a guy who said it sounds like Artie spent like $15,000 to go to a fat camp or something. He said that he didn't think it was much of a rehab. Gary said that Artie might think it works for him even if it's not a traditional rehab.
Gary said that Howard has made it clear that Artie's job isn't in danger if he doesn't show up. Benjy asked Gary if he was invited to the intervention. Gary said he was invited at first but then the made it smaller and he was uninvited. Gary said that he didn't want to go to the intervention. He said he wasn't really even asked to go. It came down to the final thing where it was just Artie's sister and Colin Quinn.
Gary said that if he was asked to go he thinks that Artie would have thought of him as an employer or something. He didn't want him looking at him like that. They had to take a break a short time later.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that the past two weeks of shows were amazing. She was also saying that she's a recovering addict and she and her sister have been going through this stuff together. She has been clean for 4 years and she thinks that Artie is going to do what Artie is going to do. Gary asked her how she got clean. She said she was just tired. She didn't have anyone intervene. She said that she had left her husband and her son and she wanted her life back.
The caller, Nancy, said that she got a good sponsor and did what she had to do to survive. She said she was on pills and alcohol. She said that the alcohol was very tough to come off of. She said that her family wasn't really there for her either. They were mad at her for leaving her son behind.
Gary said that Artie has the support in his life to push him on that. Gary wondered if Artie would figure it out on his own if he was left alone to do it. Jon said that Artie has lied before too so it's not clear if they can trust him.
Nancy said that Artie seems to want to push everyone away. Gary said that's because he doesn't want to deal with the issue. Nancy said that's it exactly. She said that most jobs wouldn't let him come back to work. Nancy said that she's not sure tough love is going to work with Artie but she hopes he can get back together.
Nancy said that she's got her son back now and her husband. She said she gives her sister tough love because she doesn't trust her either.
Gary asked Nancy what she thought of the History of Howard Stern last week. She said that she didn't know how many arguments they used to get into on the show. Nancy said that it was very enlightening and she can't wait for the next one. Nancy said she really misses Sam Kinison.
Gary said that he listened to maybe 40 percent of the special but the thing he noticed was that Howard was very mean to him back then. He said that Howard would call him an idiot and it really sounded venomous. He said that it wasn't real to him back then and it was almost like Howard was doing a character on the air. It never bothered him when he heard it back then.
Gary and Jon talked about some of the things they had in the special and how great they were. They talked about Sam Kinison's many appearances and some of the stories they told during that special.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it's so clear that Gary is protecting Robin again. The caller said that Robin is enjoying the good life because of Howard and she should be more willing to help with the show. The guy was also saying that Gary has to draw the line at some point because Artie isn't pulling his weight on the show. Gary asked him how that is. Gary said that it's not his job to draw that line.
Gary told the caller that if this were an office job it would be a different story. It's not an office job and the only person's opinion that counts is Howard's.
The caller said that he wonders if other comedians get mad at Artie for taking the job for granted. He said that people like Pat Cooper might get mad at him. Gary said that Artie sold a lot more books based on the show but the book is far more interesting than other comedian's books have been.
The caller argued that Artie isn't a $70,000 a night comedian. Gary said that he is because he can draw those people in. Gary asked if he shouldn't take the money. The caller said he wasn't saying that. He just doesn't think he's worth that money.
Gary said that he's only ever seen one comedian that comedians don't think deserves the money he's making. Gary said that guy is Dane Cook.
Ralph called in and said that at least Artie is trying to do something. He said that it might work or maybe it won't. Gary said they all agree on that. He said that they are all happy that he's doing something. Ralph said that they can't believe anything Artie says now anyway so just get over questioning it. Ralph said it's a lot of wasted energy. Gary said that he's over it and at the end of the day, Artie is going to do what Artie's gonna do.
Ralph said that they shouldn't waste their energy on that stuff anymore. Jon said that he wants to believe that Artie is telling the truth so that's why he believes him. Ralph said that they shouldn't think that he's not lying after what he's done.
Jon said that it is a step in the right direction for Artie. Gary said that he does appear to be detoxified and that's a good start.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk about the drug addiction and alcoholism. The guy said that you have to be willing to do anything to stop doing the drugs an alcohol. The guy said that there's a reason that he's not doing all of that to stop. The caller said that when you go into a rehab you have to say that you can't imagine your life with the substance you're on. Gary said that Artie isn't in a 12 step program so that's not going to be the same for Artie. The caller said that other guests have called Artie out on that stuff before and this probably won't help Artie fix this problem. He said Artie is still going to have the problems that he's had in the past.
Jon took one last call. The woman asked if Robin ever wears leather belts and shoes or purses or anything. The guys weren't sure about that. Benjy said that he thinks that Robin does it for health reasons and not for other reasons. The woman said that she might be calling herself a vegan for the wrong reasons. Benjy said he's a vegan but he eats chickens.
Benjy said that he had lost about 20 pounds on that fast he was on. The guys told him that he's looking good. Benjy said he wants to lose 70 more but didn't have a time frame. He said he thinks he can do it this year. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how he sometimes sings on the show and he was listening to Riley's show where he sang and now he's thinking that he's going to stop singing on the show completely. Howard played the audio of Riley singing on his show. Riley sings ''Superstitious'' and it's very bad. Howard said he thinks Riley has a good voice because he's heard him sing before. He said there's something there but he's not sure what it is. Howard said he'll have to play more of Riley's show later on.
Howard said that he has a great piece of tape that someone sent him. It's up on YouTube where Underdog Woman posts videos and blogs and stuff. He said he was watching some of that and she sets up her own camera. He said she has a disturbing angle and she's still mad at him. He said she hasn't been on the show in 16 years.
Howard said he asked Gary why they don't offer her a radio show. Gary told him that she wouldn't take it but Howard told him to ask anyway. Howard played some of the audio of her talking about the hecklers that continue to aggravate her year after year after year. She goes off on those people and says that she's getting kicked out of events because of them. She tells Howard to either wise up now or pay later.
Howard wondered how she can still blame him for this stuff. He said she hasn't been on for 16 years and she was probably harassed before he had her on the show.
Howard said that Bubba is doing 27 hours of radio and people wanted him to stay there so they're replaying his morning show instead of doing the live shows in the morning and afternoons. They worked out a deal to keep him there and if you don't like it you can give up your subscription or try some other show.
Howard said Bubba will be doing a live show on Friday morning. He said Bubba is still pretty entertaining with the terrestrial show so it should be fine. Howard said that the reason people are there is because of them and they just give the fans some bonus stuff.
Howard said that they're lucky that the whole thing isn't just bankrupt because they could be gone too. Howard said that the stock is in the toilet with the prices around 13 cents. Howard said it was down to like 8 cents but it shot up to 13 yesterday.
Howard said that people had something before and now that it's changed they're getting upset with it. If it really bothers you that much, just don't pay for satellite radio. Howard said that he knows a woman who was subscribing to XM to hear Oprah. He said he asked her if she would still subscribe if she didn't have Oprah. Howard said she told him that she likes the music there too so she listens to that and not even the Oprah show.
Howard said he wanted to keep Bubba there and that's the deal they were able to work out with him. Howard said he's going to keep doing his show there. Howard said that if you don't like it, just cancel and stop complaining.
Howard asked Robin about this fill and how you know when you're full. Robin said that you feel that you have to go and you let the people know that you're full. She said that if it takes a long time to fill then that's a good fill. Howard asked how long a good fill would last. Robin said she wasn't sure how long it was because there is no timer. She said it might be 45 seconds to a minute and a half.
Howard also asked Robin about how she shows her asshole to the person giving the colonic. Howard asked what happens after you're full. Robin said that the tube goes in once, then you turn on your back. Howard cut her off and said he thought that she was on her front.
Robin said that you're on your side when they put the tube in. Then you lay on your back when they start pumping in the water. Howard said that's what he didn't understand. Robin said that the drape is over you so they don't see anything. Howard said that the tube must be in pretty deep to do all of this. Robin said that it's probably in there at least 4 inches.
Robin said that Howard can ask Artie about this since he had one done. Howard said he's not sure about what Artie is telling them anymore. He can't believe a thing that comes out of his mouth anymore. Howard said that they can't believe anything he says anymore. Robin said it's about time he's smelling the coffee. She said that this is what addicts do.
Howard wondered if Artie feels good when he gets one over on them. Robin said that she thinks that he probably does. She said that Artie probably thinks of them as suckers there, just like the people he used to sucker at pool games. Howard said that he doesn't care if Artie does that stuff as long as he shows up to work and does his job.
Howard read one e-mail where the writer said they should get someone in there who wants to be there. People were saying that Artie was taking advantage of them and they have to get rid of him. Fred was laughing and said that he agrees with Howard on this and it's fascinating to see what Artie is doing. Fred said that there's no reason for Artie to lie to them anymore but he's going to continue to do it. Everything is out on the table already.
Fred was also wondering why Artie got mad at Gary for calling him out on this stuff. He said that doesn't make any sense. Gary didn't do anything wrong.
Howard read some more e-mail about Artie. The fans were saying it was time to get rid of the guy. The fans didn't want to hear so much time spent on the guy.
Howard asked the guys if they think that Artie believes he's in rehab. Robin and Fred said that he does believe it but that rehab isn't a real rehab.
Howard said that one guy said to him that addicts have to hit rock bottom before they'll really get help. Artie is still rising and he's not going to hit that bottom so he may keep this up. Robin said that person told her the same thing so she knows who he was talking about. Howard said he didn't want to say who that person was.
Howard read some more stuff where some fans were saying that Artie needs to hit rock bottom before he's going to get the help he really needs. Some people think Artie will end up dead or in jail over the drug thing.
Howard read some mail about the Bubba the Love Sponge show too. One guy said he canceled his subscription as of 5pm once he found out the show wasn't live anymore. Howard read some other e-mails about that subject. The fans were wondering why they had to hear a pre-recorded show. Howard said that he thought the fans came over there for his show, not for the other shows. Howard said that he's getting angry himself because of what the fans are saying. Howard said he thought he was the cake.
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Benjy said he was hoping that Howard would invite them to a New Year's thing so he held out on committing to anything. Howard said that he and Beth thought about doing it but they ended up going to bed at 9 o'clock anyway. Howard said he doesn't want to stay up and talk to people until midnight. Howard said he doesn't really care to do that.
Howard said that he and Beth had Beth's brother over. They had dinner and they were done by 8:15. He said that he apparently broke the news that Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O'Connell's twins being born. Howard said that Booker told him that he got a job at K-rock so he announced that this morning too. He said he hopes that's okay to announce on the air.
Howard said that he was talking to Booker about going over to a restaurant on New Year's Even and started his dinner around 9. Howard said that he can't imagine doing that and wondered how anyone can do that. Howard said that some people can drag that out for 4 hours. He said that they sit there talking and talking and it all means nothing.
Howard said that Beth's brother doesn't care if he goes to bed early. He said that the guy sits there, drinks beer and just stays up and watches the New Year's Eve stuff. Howard said that Beth stayed up but she said it was tough staying up so late. Robin said that's because Howard has trained her to go to bed early and get up at ungodly hours.
Howard said that food makes him tired so he has to go to bed early. Robin said that's a problem. Howard said he doesn't understand how people can just sit there. Robin said there are people who enjoy the company of other people. Howard said he's heard about that but he can only take people in small doses.
Howard said his parents will come over and leave right after dinner. He said that the time before dinner is rough because his parents want to be together and talk the whole time. Howard said he just wants them to hang out though. He said that he'll have them over from about 1 until 8 but he'll move dinner to 5 to make it easier. Howard said it's really tough to speak to his parents for that long because he has to yell at them so they can hear.
Howard said that his father will start in on news stories while he's talking about other stuff. He said he'll just interrupt him with other stuff. Howard did his impressions of his father and mother talking to him. He was yelling answers at his parents and saying that he had to make eye contact. Howard said that his sister and her husband just watch and laugh. Howard said that gets on his nerves because she thinks it's funny.
Howard said his father will go on a rant and his sister will laugh with her crazy laugh and she'll say that their father belongs on the air, not him. Robin said that she would watch that program if it was a sitcom. Howard said he did write it up, it was his cartoon ''Howard Stern The High School Years.''
Fred told Howard he could do it as a play. Howard said that he would like to do a one man play but the problem is that it would be more than one man. He would have actors acting out the parts behind him. Howard said that he knows he'd get complaints about doing a show like that if he did it. The same fans writing to him about Bubba are going to write to him and complain about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to complain about Bubba's show. The caller said that the reason Howard came to satellite is for the freedom. Now Bubba is doing a show where he's censored. Howard told the guy that they have Bubba 5 days a week and one day it's live and uncensored. Howard was telling people to tune into Jim Breuer's show in the afternoon but someone told Howard that Jim is gone.
Gary came in and said that Jim wasn't able to come to terms on a contract so he's gone. The caller said that Oprah hasn't gone, Martha Stewart hasn't gone. Then he said that Howard only does 20 hours a week. Howard said they have a lot of other content on the channels though.
The caller said that they replay the show all day long now and that fills up the time. Howard said that he's going to take off the replays because of him then. Howard told the guy he should cancel if he doesn't like it. The guy said that he can't because there is no other radio to listen to when you're a truck driver.
The caller said he wants a new show to hear when he's driving. The caller said that he wants Bubba live. Howard said he didn't have a good answer for him.
The caller said that they're going to cancel because of this Bubba deal. Howard said no one is going to cancel because of that. Howard said that's ridiculous. He said that no one even knew about Bubba until he put him on.
Howard said that the fans are the bosses now because they pay for the service but they're all turning into assholes now.
The caller said ''Fuck the FCC'' during the call so Howard ended up talking about the SEC and how this Bernie Madoff guy has been turned into them many times over the years and they never did anything about him. Howard said that the government was busy with him instead. Howard said that they had to look into him instead. Howard said that they were looking at him to make sure he wasn't doing insider trading when he announced he was moving to SIRIUS. Howard said that he knew nothing about that stuff.
Howard said that they were busy with him instead of investigating this guy Madoff. Howard said that guy got $50 billion of people's money. Howard said the SEC was also busy investigating Bill Clinton about his blow jobs.
The caller talked about how great the History of Howard Stern was. They talked about some of the stuff they were airing on that like the first time Ralph called in and things like that. Howard also talked about the WNBC days and what a shithole that place was.
The caller was talking about how gorgeous Robin is. Howard said that she's sexy. He said that she has this aura about her when she has that tube shoved up her ass. Howard said that he's really fascinated by that whole colonic thing. Howard talked about some of the stuff that they talked about yesterday with the colonics. He said that the people at the spa she went to were upset that they didn't get to see her shit after they had her take her castor oil.
The guys played Mike Morse's song about Robin's high colonics. Howard said that he wonders what the longest fill ever was for a colonic. Robin said that she's not sure about that. She was also saying that you don't hold that fill once you're full. She said you let it right out once you're full. Howard asked Robin if she will go back to this place she was at. Robin said that she would.
Sal came in and said that he used to clean his ass with a water pik. Howard thanked him for that. Robin went on to say that they have different machines for the different colonics they give. Howard asked if she thinks the people go home and discuss that stuff with their spouses and talk about how great her fills were. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Robin said that everyone at the spa is talking about the stuff that comes through the tube. She said that there was one person who told her about a woman who got addicted to the drink they give you and she ended up having an 8 foot long thing come out of her. She said that it was like an 8 foot long doody. Robin said she's not sure about what was in that 8 feet though.
Howard asked if you lose weight from this. Robin said that you can if you're impacted. Howard wondered why they have to get the feces out of you. He said if it's in there it's in there. Sal asked what happened to just taking a shit.
Howard asked Sal what he's doing in there. Sal said he and Richard were willing to hold their fills to see who could hold it the longest. Howard said they could time Robin at her place and then compare it to Sal and Richard. Robin said that she doesn't do that when she's at home. The guy she uses only does his thing for about 10 seconds.
Sal said that they're willing to inject their asses with fill. Howard said he doesn't think he could handle it for more than a second. He doesn't need anything shoved up his ass. Sal said that Robin should just sit on the toilet and shit. Howard said that's what has caused Sal's hemorrhoids though. Sal said that they're looking pretty nasty these days.
Howard said that when he goes to get his prostate checked the doctor will wipe his ass like a baby. Robin said she doesn't have anything like that done to her.
Gary the Retard said that he's going to kick Zolar's ass and see how he likes it. He said that he's not treating Andrea right. Howard asked if Andrea is into retards. Gary said that she wants to go on the show with him.
Howard said that they used to fly Gary the Retard to New York all the time and when Mel saw that they were doing that back at K-Rock he wondered why they were doing that.
Howard said he had Miss Howard Stern on the phone to have phone sex with Gary. Howard put her on but it turned out to be Richard. Richard told Gary that he was rubbing his vagina for him. He said that his voice was low because he had been smoking all night. ''Andrea'' asked Gary to get naked so he could have phone sex with him. Gary didn't want to do it.
Howard told Richard that he wasn't fooling Gary at all. Howard said he was fooled. He told Gary that they'll look into having Gary on with Andrea for his birthday. Gary said that he wants to go out with her and go to bed with her. Gary said that he has touched her boobs and he has kissed her before too. Gary said that he had felt her boobs over her shirt before.
Howard said he'll talk to Andrea about this but he's not liking what he's hearing. Howard said it sounds like they're trying to pull one over on Gary.
Howard said he was going to play the prank call they did with Gary where they had him having phone sex with Robin. In the call Gary thinks that he's talking to Robin but it's really just audio clips of her. They had her making sounds like she was getting off on his voice. At the end of that call they have Robin saying goodbye to him about 10 times.
Howard said it's funny how Gary isn't retarded when it comes to phone sex. Howard said he's normal there. Howard said he had to go. He said goodbye to him about 20 times as he was wrapping up. Howard said that he thinks that Gary is the guy who has to have the last word in a call like that.
Howard said he had some other Gary the Retard stuff to play. Howard played a prank call they made with Blue Iris and Gary the Retard. Blue was having phone sex with him. Howard said that was gross.
Sal said that Gary sounded like a rocket scientist once he gets into the sex thing. Every guy is on the same plane when it comes to sex, even retards.
Howard played another prank call the guys had Gary make where he called a guy selling beagles and asked him if he was selling bagels. Howard had to go to break after that.
Lisa and Howard talked about the NY Times article and the cartoon they had in the article. Howard said that he thought the article was okay but it kind of missed the point. Howard said he knows that they don't have the same number of people there as they do on terrestrial. Howard said that he came there to build a business and that's what they've done. Howard said that Jay Leno is a shithead too. He said that they quote him talking about how he's no longer relevant and the guy is just a shithead. He said he hopes that his prime time show fails.
Howard went off on Jay for a few minutes and said that the guy wouldn't bring anyone to satellite radio if he had a show there. Howard said the guy is a loser.
Lisa said that they have a story about a doctor who is speaking out against Robin's colonics. The doctor works there at SIRIUS. Howard said that Robin might be addicted to it and she's probably doing it too much. Howard said that the doctor may be jealous of Robin's fill. Robin said she's not the only one getting colonics so there's no reason to be mad at her.
That discussion led to Lisa talking about how she eats Fiber One cereal. Howard said he hates to think about Lisa shitting. Then she revealed that she shits at work almost every morning around this time. Howard said that he would never shit at work. Howard said that's what you should do at home. Howard said that he doesn't do it until he gets home. He said that his body doesn't even kick in until then.
Howard asked Lisa about going into that bathroom where everyone can smell her shit. Howard said that he didn't know that was going on every day there. Howard asked the guys if they had ever walked in and smelled Lisa's shit back there. Howard said that Lisa is really out of it.
Howard said that there's a bathroom at the gym where guys shit and he has to hold his breath when he goes in there like a scuba diver. Howard told Lisa to shit at home. He asked if any of the women there have ever smelled her shit. Lisa said she's not uptight about that though. During that discussion Fred was playing juicy fart sound effects.
Howard said he used to put in 15 hour days at WCCC and he would never shit at work. Howard said he would work in Detroit and never shit there. He said that might happen once in a year or so. Howard said he doesn't want anyone walking in and smelling that.
Howard told Lisa that if she had a better schedule or something then maybe she wouldn't have to shit there. Howard kept asking if anyone there had smelled Lisa's doody. Howard said his mind controls when he has to go and he almost never has to go at work. Lisa said that things just happen and she has to go while she's there.
Robin said that she's on Howard's side in this. She said she tries not to go at work. Howard said that he doesn't want people smelling his stink so he doesn't go there. Howard told Lisa she might need some kind of attitude adjustment because she just doesn't care. Lisa told Howard that he's uptight.
Howard asked Lisa if she had any other news, other than her doody. Lisa said that she spoke to a director down at Hippocrates where Artie went for ''rehab.'' She said that Artie was allowed to leave whenever he wanted to whenever he wanted. She said that they told her that Artie gave himself his own enema. Howard said that he didn't believe that he did that on his own. Howard said that he was lying about that too because Artie told him that he had a guy giving it to him.
Howard let Lisa go after that but he was still wondering about any girls there who had walked in on Lisa. Fred played a toilet flushing sound as Lisa was leaving.
Howard said that the fans got a little carried away claiming that they pay their salaries. They pay 43 cents a day and threaten to cancel. Howard said that if you don't like it just cancel and stop making threats. Howard said he wants to work with Bubba and that's the way they're going to do it.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what Artie's fill is. He said that he'd like to know how long he can go.
The caller said that Howard was giving his father shit about the VCR thing and wondered what that was about. Howard said that his father wants an old VCR that they don't even sell on ebay anymore. The caller was also going off on Howard about some of the other technology he has and complains about. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy.
Howard said his father still doesn't want TiVo. He said it's so simple though. Howard said that he had his parent's house decorated and his father refused to do any updating. Howard said that his father said they were going to be dead soon and he didn't want to spend money on it. Howard said he told his mother that he would pay for it and his dad got upset about that. He said his father likes the house the way it is now.
Howard said his parents ordered a kitchen table that was supposed to look old. They got the table and got rid of the old table. The new one showed up and his mother didn't like the way it looked. She said that it looked like there were crumbs on it. He said his father told her not to say anything to him because he would get upset. Howard said she told him about it, he got them a different table and got rid of that old one. It turns out they got the exact same table. Now they have no kitchen table because they took both back. His father told his mother not to tell Howard. Howard found out through his sister what was going on so he had to order another table.
Howard said that his father's logic is that they're going to be dead soon and they don't need anything. Meanwhile they might live another 5 years and they'll be miserable the whole time. Robin said that you should live until you die. Don't wait.
Howard told the guy that the stock price is at 12 cents and there's only so much money to go around. Howard said that he's there, Bubba is still there and that's that. The caller said that the hard core Bubba fans are very upset. Howard said he's a hard core fan of Bubba's and he's not upset. Howard said that he'll get over it. Howard told him to get to work. He thanked the guy for the call and let him go.
Howard suggested that if you're not happy, just cancel your subscription and leave him alone. Howard said Bubba will come back there and do his show once he's fired from terrestrial radio. Howard said he'll probably do something stupid to get fired and he'll come back there and do live shows. Howard said he'll probably feel he's under pressure and do something nuts. Howard said that terrestrial radio eventually gets pissed at you and fires you. Howard said that Bubba will be fired eventually, trust him.
Howard said that Bubba will kill a Mexican on the air or something and he'll get fired. Just hold on and they'll have Bubba on satellite doing live shows.
Howard and Robin were coming up with the things that Bubba might end up doing to get himself fired from terrestrial radio. Howard said that they'll definitely do something to upset the people at Cox Broadcasting and he'll be let go.
Howard also talked about how disloyal people are to Artie. He said that the fans want Artie fired now too. Howard said that he never got that much mail about Pig Vomit when he was working at NBC. Howard said that they'd get rid of Artie if he killed someone or something like that. Other than that, he's staying.
Howard said that he read that David Spade is dating Nicolette Sheridan. Howard said that she wasn't too bad looking in person when he saw her. Howard said that David had the baby with Jillian Grace too. He said that they live far apart and he's sure David doesn't want anything to do with that. Howard said Jillian should have had an abortion but it's way too late for that.
Howard said he's not sure how much Spade is seeing that kid. He said he's probably just sending a pay check. Howard said that Dave only went out with her a few times as far as he knows. Neither of them are talking to him about that situation though.
Howard said that Beth was telling him that she would keep the kid if she got pregnant. Howard said she told him that she would leave and divorce him if she did get knocked up. Howard said he won't even visit the kid if she has a kid. He said that he's the biggest baby of them all and if Beth isn't paying attention to him he gets upset.
Gary wasn't able to get a hold of Mike. Gary said that he doesn't get in until 10. His boss, Brad Driver, told him that he heard that Mike hadn't gotten laid yet. He was out visiting his family down in Texas over vacation.
Howard said that he liked the way Mike's mom was saying that she would never speak to him again if he came out gay. Now she's hanging out with him during vacation.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said in 2 years when he calls it quits he's going to get complaints from the fans about any specials that he does. Bobo said he won't be one of those people complaining, he'll take what he can get.
Bobo asked Howard about the fantasy that Beth had about having sex outside in a secluded area. Howard said he and Beth aren't going to do that. He said he'd rather kill himself than risk getting caught and having people take pictures. Howard said that Beth looks great but thinks she's fat. He said he loves that. He said she works out so hard and she never smells bad or anything. He said that her breath doesn't even smell in the mornings. Howard said she barely even shits and he's never caught a whiff of ass or anything.
Robin said she saw that Tim Allen's wife was pregnant. Howard said ''Ohhhh... What a jackass.'' Robin said that they married in October of 2006.
Bobo said that he's pulling the hair out of his head with his 2 year old. Howard said that he doesn't even have any hair to pull out. Bobo said that the kid pulled his wig off the other day.
Bobo asked about the channel 9 shows and what's going to happen to those tapes. Howard said he would buy them all if they'd sell them to him. Howard said he should have owned those shows based on what they paid him back then. Howard said he wants to buy the whole library so he can get the outtakes and stuff.
Fred suggested that they cover Howard's song ''Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes'' that he created when he was a kid. Fred played some of the tape of Howard singing it when he was a kid. Howard said that would be a cool song to cover. He wrote that when he was in 6th grade. Right about the time he said that there was a drum solo in the song that made Robin say ''Oh my god...''
Howard took another call from a guy who asked who was singing that song. Howard told him that was him in 6th grade. It was his band ''Electric Comic Book Formerly The Plumber's Union.'' That's the official full name of the band according to Howard. Fred also played Howard's song ''Psychedelic Bee'' that the band Sugar Ray actually covered one time.
The caller said that the fans are all complaining about the show all the time. He said that they were complaining when he was on vacation. Howard said that the fans think that he should never take vacation.
Howard ended up talking about Robin going over to India one time and how awful that turned out to be for her. She stayed one day but only because she couldn't fly out sooner. Howard said that she wouldn't be able to get her colonics over there. He said that the people there would probably offer to suck the shit out of her ass instead.
The caller mentioned some stuff that Benjy has done and that led to Howard asking Benjy why he doesn't go out and do more stuff. Benjy said that it's a scheduling issue. Howard told Benjy to collaborate with Richard and Sal once in a while. Benjy got up to leave the studio right then. Howard told him to wait until some other time to do that.
The caller said that they have a Best of Artie special up on Howard TV now too. Howard said that just went up and they have some good stuff in there. Lisa Lampanelli hosts that show. Howard said that they have a bunch of highlights from the past year in there. The caller said that they have this great clip of Howard doing some behind the scenes press. He said it must have been some promotion for SIRIUS or something.
The caller said that Geraldo came in to interview Howard and Howard pointed out that he had a ton of make up on his face. Howard said that he was back stage at Bill O'Reilly's show and Geraldo came in and ambushed him. Howard said he had a ton of make up on so he asked him what happened to him. Howard talked about Geraldo being one of those guys who has to knock up every chick he's with.
The caller said that the behind the scenes stuff is great on that Howard TV special. Howard said he didn't even know that the cameras were on him at that time.
The caller said that Fred has been on it today with the sound effects. Howard asked what Fred did. The caller said that the sound effects when Lisa G was talking about shitting were great. Howard said he can't imagine not being embarrassed at all about that stuff. Howard said he had to break after that.
Howard said that they have this chick Whitney Casey coming in next. Howard said that Beth was doing some promotion for something and she had her own morning show. Howard said Beth came back raving about how terrific she was and he thought he might have been able to get a threesome going. He said there may have been some kind of chemistry with Beth and Whitney going on there.
Howard asked Whitney why she left her job in Houston. She said she left to write her book (The Man Plan: Drive Men Wild... Not Away). She said the gig was great and she was having a lot of fun doing it but she got tired of doing it after 2 and a half years.
Howard asked Whitney how she got started. She said she started out as a CNN journalist. She said she didn't really even have any training in that. She was in college and was pre-med. Howard asked her about her SAT scores. She said that she had an 800 on her verbal but about 670 on her math. She was kind of embarrassed by that.
Howard asked how she got on CNN. Whitney said that she was on a local channel and Howard had talked about how hot she was when he saw her on WCBS channel 2. Her first day was on 9/11. She said that she got a call from CNN and they asked her to do some stuff for them.
Howard asked how she got her own show in Houston. Whitney said she was doing a political show on ABC and she wanted to go to the other side and just work for President Clinton on his Clinton Global Initiative.
Howard asked Whitney about going out with Jason Sehorn. She said that she didn't have sex with him the whole time she was going out with him and that was 5 years. She dated him from 19 to 24. She said that she never had intercourse with him. She actually wrote about that in her book. Howard asked what the limits were with them. Whitney said they didn't have sex but they tried other things. Howard figured that she was blowing him. Whitney said that she thinks that he respected her and didn't try to make her go there.
Howard asked about how she relieved Jason's pressure. She said that she would give him hand jobs and blow jobs. She said that it did take a while to get into the blow job territory though. Whitney said that she was a virgin when she got married.
Whitney thought she was young at 24 when she got married. Howard said that's not that young. Whitney said that Jason was pretty young back then too. Whitney said that they did come close to having sex back then. Howard asked if he was dry humping her. Whitney said that she wasn't going to tell Jason's side of the story. She said he was a stand up guy. Robin said of course he was a stand up guy, he never got to have sex.
Whitney said that Jason had a lot of partners before her and he really respected her for being that pure wife. She said that the marriage didn't work out. Howard said that it had to be the sex. Whitney said that it wasn't the sex, things worked out well there. She said that other things went bad within 3 months of the marriage. Whitney said that they didn't have great chemistry mentally. Howard figured that Jason was just a big dummy to her. Whitney said that he wasn't intellectually curious.
Howard said that Whitney needs a mind fuck, that's what it is. Whitney said that might be what it is. She said that they were on their honeymoon and she was reading a book and Jason was digging a hole in the sand. She said that he was happy doing that but he's not stupid. She said that he just wanted different things than she did.
Whitney said that Jason has a great wife and 3 kids now. She said that she didn't value his ethics and morals back then and she looks back on that now. Whitney said that he was really a gentleman and would stand up when she came to the table and stuff like that.
Howard gave Whitney a plug for her book ''The Man Plan: Drive Men Wild... Not Away'' and said you can find out more about her at Match.com too. She's a relationship expert over there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Jason must have been a fag not to have banged this chick in 6 years. Whitney said that's not the way it was. She said that their first time was tough too and they ended up going to a theme park the next day so it was tough for her to walk around that day.
Howard said that Whitney dated one of Jason's best friends after they divorced. Whitney said she did that but Jason and that guy are still friends. Whitney said that she actually introduced him to Jason. Howard asked if she banged KC too. She said that she did go out with KC but she didn't bang him. Whitney said that she went out with KC and one of the other guys from the show. They asked her to go out for drinks one night. She said that KC left the bar while she was in the bathroom and left her with the bill. They ended up talking about her on the air the next day.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Jason was probably digging the hole on the beach to get rid of this bitch because he wasn't getting any. Whitney said that they were married by that point so that wasn't it. She got a laugh out of that call though.
Howard said that Whitney dated Lance Armstrong. She said that she never had sex with him. She said that she felt like Lance was one of the best guy's she met. She said that Lance is a little shorter than her and actually called him tiny. Whitney said that she needs to date someone taller and some guy dumped her recently because she was too large for him. She said that she's a size 4 and 129 pounds. She said that he told her that she was too large and said her hips and legs were just too big for him. Howard said that Whitney might be dating a lot of gay types.
Howard said that Whitney claims that Rocco Dispirito was the best lay she ever had. She also claims that he had a perfect penis. Howard asked what that means. Whitney said that he looks like the statue David. Howard said that statue has a small dick. She said that he's a good looking dude from head to toe and his penis was like a Viagra version of the statue of David.
Howard read that Whitney went out with Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows. She said that she liked him a lot but she just wasn't attracted to him that much. Howard asked her how far they got. Whitney said they only kissed. She said that Adam was stimulating mentally but they just didn't have chemistry. Howard said she seems to be very picky.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was annoyed by this chick because you can't take advice from a chick who didn't bang for 6 years. Howard said he has such a gift for gab that he can talk a woman into having sex within weeks.
Howard asked Whitney if she's ever dated a black man. She said she dated a Lebanese man but not a black guy. The guy who told her she was too large was an Indian man. Howard did his Indian impression for her a little bit and Whitney said that was making her feel better.
Howard took some more phone calls and gave Whitney some more plugs for her book. Howard said he was going to read some of the stuff she had in her book. One of her rules is for women to wash their vaginas. She says that anything you eat that's stinky could make it smell down there. Whitney said she learned about the swipe test that guys do to figure out if it stinks down there. Whitney said that there are some feminine wipes that women can use to get rid of the smell down there too. Whitney said she has a story in the book about a woman who gets toilet paper stuck up there and the guy gets totally turned off by it.
Howard said that he puts a canary up there to make sure that it's okay to go in. Howard said that's how you really know. Howard said that he once got a whiff of a stripper's ass at a strip club and that was horrible.
A caller said that he had jerked off a bunch of times thinking about this chick. He said that Howard had turned him on to her a few years ago when she was local. The guy was asking if she had dated any Puerto Ricans. She said she hasn't yet.
Howard read some more stuff from Whitney's book. She has some suggestions for women and what they should eat on the date. She suggests veggies and stuff like that. She also suggested that women just master a couple of meals instead of going nuts and learning to cook tons of stuff.
Howard said that Whitney suggests that women wear something that shows their nips. Howard said he likes that idea. He said that he sees women trying to hide that stuff and that's just wrong. Howard said that he wasn't seeing nip this morning on Whitney though. She said that maybe she wasn't excited. Howard asked Whitney what size boobs she had. She said they're C cups and they're implants. Howard said he likes that she went that extra mile. She said that her boobs were different sizes from playing volleyball so she did that to even them out.
Howard read some other suggestions from Whitney about bra types and things like that. Whitney said that a lace bra shows everything and that's fine for after 9 o'clock. She said that's not what you wear when you're going shopping.
Howard read that talking dirty in bed is good but don't start off with that right away. Whitney said that she thinks that a woman should show that she's adventurous. Howard asked her how often she vibrates herself. Whitney said that she does use one but not every night. Whitney said that she's single now and hasn't gotten any since July. She said that it was the Indian guy back then.
Howard asked Whitney if she would take her fingers and rub herself in front of a guy. She said that she will do stuff for guys if she's in love with them. Whitney said that she asked men what they want their women to do as far as hair removal and they prefer laser. Howard said that he would shave his woman down and that's what he would do to her. Whitney said that she can't think about that with him because of Beth.
Howard asked Whitney if she's ever completely shaved herself. She said that she never has. She said that she just has a little patch on the playing field.
Howard talked about a few other things that are in Whitney's book and checked out the picture of her in the book. He said that she wasn't dressed sexy in the picture. She said she's trying to sell this book to women, not to men.
Whitney said that she does video clips on Match.com so he could check her out over there. She said that they're just releasing the videos today actually.
Whitney said that she's still learning about sex positions and stuff so she didn't have a number when Howard asked her about that.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that her voice was turning him on. He said he's 6'1'' tall so he's the right height for her. Howard said that Eric might not be smart enough for her. Eric said that he's smart but he is a little out of shape. Robin pointed out that he's the winner of the Craptacular too.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if there's anything in the book about how women can keep a man. She said that there is. She said that the book is really for just getting the guy though.
Another caller told Howard to get this ''Amazon bitch'' on the Sybian because they've never had a 6 foot tall woman on the thing before.
Another caller said that there was an article about Whitney down in Houston where they rip her journalistically. She thought that it was just someone writing in a blog or something and not from the papers down there.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about her Christian beliefs and stuff like that. Another guy asked Whitney if she swallows at all. Whitney said that you have to talk to your guy about that stuff. Howard said that some guys might feel that the woman doesn't love him if she doesn't swallow. Whitney said they have to talk to their men about that if they can't do it. Whitney said that she talks to men about that. She said that she wouldn't talk about that and avoided answering the question. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later and went to break.
Howard came back and said that he doesn't get Beyonce music. He had the top 5 songs to play after that. Taylor Swift was at number 5. Gary said that they might be getting her up there soon. Howard said that Kanye West, T.I. and a few others were on the top 5. He said that Pink has a good song out now that's good. He said he likes some of her stuff.
Howard played a new Baba Booey song parody that was to the tune of a Nirvana song. Howard said that they're going to be playing Stump the Booey soon and they're looking for contestants to play. He said that you can send them an e-mail to contest@howardstern.com for that.
Gary said that High Pitch Mike was there so he sent him right in. Howard said that Mike was looking better and his face seemed to clearing up after he came out of the closet. Howard asked him if he's dating yet. Mike said that he has a date this week. Mike was saying that the guy is younger than him. He said his cut off age is 19.
Howard asked if he's feeling better about himself now. Mike said that he is. Mike said he's met some people out at parties and stuff. Howard wanted to hear some stories but Mike wanted to save them for when Artie is there so he can gross him out. Howard said they're not going to wait for Artie.
Mike said he hasn't had any sex lately but he did have sex before he came out of the closet. He said that he's been watching some of the gay porn that they gave him too. Howard asked what he likes to see in those. Mike said it doesn't matter.
Howard asked Mike if he talked about the gay thing with his family during vacation. Mike said that he didn't really bring it up and it was like any other vacation. Mike said his mother is worried about him being safe and stuff. Mike said that he will be safe. Howard asked him if he's going to put a condom on the guys when he blows them. Mike said he may not blow guys. He said that it was a good question though and he wasn't sure if he'd put a condom on. Mike said that this guy he knows definitely doesn't have herpes in the mouth or anything. Howard told him that he doesn't know that for sure.
Howard asked Mike if he spits or swallows. Mike said he never said he blew guys. Mike laughed and said that he would just say he spits. Howard said he can't believe that he won't say he blows guys. Mike said he doesn't have to give them every detail.
Howard asked Mike if he's going to put a rubber on if he's getting a blow job. Mike said that it depends on who it is. Robin asked about the anal thing. Howard told him that he has to put one on when you do that. Howard said he has to have that when he's getting it up the ass. Mike said that he's not going to take it up the ass. Fred said that all of these gay guys come in there claiming they never get it up the ass but someone must be. He wondered what's going on there.
Mike said that he's been with only a few guys and he's never been fucked in the ass. Howard said that there must only be a couple of guys out there who do take it up there. Howard asked Mike if he can taste what the guy has been eating when he takes a load. Mike laughed and told him to stop. Robin said that she can't taste anything.
Richard came in and asked Mike if he wanted to demonstrate his blow job techniques on a banana. Mike told him to get out of there with that. Mike said he was going to take this date out to this place right across the street from Richard's apartment and he thought about introducing Richard to the guy. He said he thought better of it and figured that would be a way to end it really quick.
Howard asked Mike about what he's going to do for this date and if he's going to pay. Mike said that he will pay since the guy is just out of college and he's not making much money yet. Howard thanked Mike for the update and let him go after that.
Robin suggested that they do a gay dial-a-date with him. Howard said that he wasn't sure he wanted to do that.
Steve said that Artie is quoted in a Philly paper where he says that Honesty is something he really admires. Steve said that they have a story about Howard's SIRIUS ad running on his old terrestrial station K-Rock. Howard said that no one should feel threatened by that because the ad is so bland. Howard said that it was very simple and all he did was tell people to join them there at SIRIUS XM.
Steve said that Captain Janks may have another bar owner upset with him for not showing up for another appearance. Howard wanted Janks to call in and explain what he's doing to these people. They had to go to break after that.
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Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played a Dan the Song Parody Man song about Robin's boobs to the tune of ''Rebel, Rebel.''
Howard said that they were reading about Al Franken yesterday and they were going to try and put him in office today but the guy he was running against is going to challenge it. Howard said he can't blame either side for challenging it after what he heard about the votes being found in the trunk of a car. Howard said he's glad to see Al Franken win, he likes him. Howard said that a lot of people apparently hate the guy though. Robin had some audio clips from that story so they went through all of that before moving on to other stuff.
Howard said that this country really seems to be falling apart. They can't even count the votes. Howard said that they need someone like Jeff Schick (from IBM) to help them organize and overhaul the whole voting system. Howard said that it's crazy that they can't get it right.
Robin also had some news about Caroline Kennedy so they spent some time talking about that. Howard talked about a speech she made recently and how she had a lot of ''um'' and ''you know'' comments during that speech. Howard said that these people really have to earn those spots that they take. Howard said that he thinks that he's still the common man and he wants to see someone work for something like that. Robin said that Howard isn't the common man now. Howard said that no one gave him anything, he had to work to get what he has. He said that these Kennedy's and Bush's get jobs based on who their families are. Howard said that George Bush had to run for President but this Kennedy didn't.
Howard also talked about what's going on in Chicago and what a joke that is. Robin had some news about that as well. She had some audio clips that she had Howard play. Howard said that he's heard that they don't have a very strong case against this Illinois Governor. Robin said that they've only really given one side of the story there so maybe the guy has a defense for what he was doing.
Robin read about Oprah Winfrey's announcement that she's over 200 pounds. Howard said that you'd think that she'd be able to keep it under control with the personal chefs and stuff she has around her. He said that she's a bullshit artist anyway and tells her fans that she has a condition that won't allow her to lose weight. He said you know that's a bunch of bullshit.
JD said he found an edited version of the Caroline Kennedy speech that Howard was looking for earlier. It was edited down though. Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man is working on a version of JD's favorite techno song mixed with some of those David Lee Roth sound board clips. He played that for Robin and they seemed to think it was pretty good.
Howard played some of the Caroline Kennedy ''you know'' comments that were taken from her speech. Howard said it wasn't really fair to take the edited version but he heard that the speech was pretty bad. Howard said he's heard that people do that to sound smarter than they really are. Robin said they said the same things about Ted Kennedy when he was first starting out and he's done fine. Robin said that Caroline might be good because people are going to want to know her and want to work with her based on who she is. She does have that advantage.
Robin had some more Oprah Winfrey audio clips. She says that she's embarrassed by her weight gain. Howard said that she's not embarrassed. If she was, she'd do something about it.
Howard said he was getting a report that Lisa G had just walked into the bathroom. He wondered what that was going to smell like. Howard said it was weird thinking about that going on as they're on the air. Fred played the theme to 2001 a Space Odyssey theme music with some fart sounds in it.
Howard played the Oprah Winfrey audio clips and goofed on her about all of that. Robin said that she had some audio of Richard Simmons talking about helping her out lose her weight. Richard was close to crying in that clip. Howard said he thought Richard was coming in. Gary said that he was scheduled but they had to cancel. He might come in later.
Howard and Robin were talking about how in shape Barack Obama seems to be. Howard said that he might be spending too much time in the gym and he may have to give that up and concentrate on the country. Howard said by 2012 Barack had better have man boobs.
Robin said that she had a story about an airline that had apologize to a Muslim family for kicking them off after they talked about the safest part of the plane. She said that now she has a story about a man who was forced to cover up Arabic writing on his shirt getting a $240,000 settlement for being ''hurt'' over that. Howard said that this country is nuts. He can't believe they paid the guy that kind of money.
Robin said that a 4 year old boy shot his 18 year old babysitter with gun he pulled from the closet. The kid was upset when the babysitter stepped on his foot.
Robin had more news about John Travolta's son Jett's death. She said that they cremated the child and they're on their way home with the ashes. Howard and Robin talked about that for a short time. Howard was goofing around joking about the way they do autopsies down there in the Bahamas.
Janks said that Langford is instigating these stories so he can get them on the air. Janks said that he did miss the one appearance but this whole thing is causing the other places to cancel him.
Janks said that he's getting ready to release a DVD and this is messing with his life. Howard asked Janks if he gave back the money to the first appearance that he missed. Janks said that he did. Langford said that they have contract after contract from people who claim that Janks hasn't shown up for his appearances. Langford said that Janks gets the check months before the appearances, cashes them and then doesn't show up.
Janks asked Steve if he ever thought that they were going to cancel him when he brought this story up on the air. Langford and Janks were going back and forth on that but Steve wasn't letting Janks speak.
Janks said that he had at least 10 people call and cancel him. Janks said that he was told that his appearances were canceled and he wasn't going to give back the money. Janks said that when Steve announces this stuff on the air it's going to lead to people canceling on him. Janks said that he signs contracts to make these appearances and then these places cancel on him. He's not the one not showing up.
Steve said that Janks is due in court this month for one of these places that he didn't show up to. Janks said that this is from the first one. Steve said that Janks hasn't spoken to them at all. Janks said that he will only speak to Howard. He said that he thinks Langford is a piece of shit.
Steve said that they're getting bombarded by stories about Janks using Howard's name. Steve was saying that Janks claims that he will plug his appearances to the best of his abilities on the Stern Show. Janks isn't trying to do that though according to Steve. Janks got in a plug for an appearance he's making this weekend. Janks got in a couple of those plugs.
Steve said that Janks is supposed to do it to the best of his abilities and he's not doing that. Howard said that he is because he doesn't get on the air all the time.
Howard told Janks that he was going to tell him what to do. He asked Janks about what's going on with this first appearance he missed. Janks said that the guy wanted to sue him for multiple times what he was paid so he hasn't paid that back.
Steve said that they've heard from other people who claim that they've had the same thing done to them. Janks said that they've never come to any of his appearances to see him do what he does. Steve said that they would love to report the stories that Janks would like them to if he can prove them to be true. Janks said that these are small bar owners who are devastated by these deals.
Howard told Janks he should just call these people and tell them that he's willing to do the appearances and he'll even plug them for him on his show. Howard told Janks to go to those people and let them know that he'll do his best to plug the appearances.
Steve said that the contract makes it appear as if Janks is going to plug their bars on Howard's show. Howard said that it is kind of misleading. Janks said that he lets the people know that he's not on the show, he's just a Wack Packer who has been on the show.
Steve said that the contract they have shows that Janks claimed he was going to plug his appearances at the bar on Howard's show from August until the time of the event. Steve said that he spoke to this woman from a bar who says that she doesn't want Janks to show up to her bar this Friday even if he wants to. Howard said that's not fair to Janks.
Steve said that the numbers that Janks gives these people don't work and they're unable to get in touch with him. They try to send him letters at his post office box and stuff and those letters are returned to her.
Howard said that he had another guy on the phone who claims that he worked with Janks and he was great. The guy said that he did a commercial with him at Bethlehem Brew Works and they did just fine. The guy said that the only problem they had was the plugs that Janks promised them. The promotion itself went fine though.
Steve wanted proof that this guy was telling the truth. The guy told Steve to talk to the people at the bar and speak to them. Steve took down the information. The guy said that the appearance was awesome as far as he's concerned.
Janks said that Steve isn't going to let this go and all he wants to do is hurt people. Janks said that he's been doing this trivia show at one place every week for 8 years now. Janks said that Steve is an asshole and there are a lot of people who want to get back at him. He said that Steve's new name is John DeBella.
Steve asked Janks if the story was true or not. Howard said that it does sound like Janks has a point. He said that Janks is claiming that these people are canceling on him and, if that's the case, maybe Janks is right.
Janks said that every time Steve talks about this stuff it makes it worse for him. Janks said that it's like fuel on the fire when Steve talks about this. Steve said that he's a huge fan of what Janks has done. Howard said that he's a buddy of his too. Janks asked Steve to back off a little bit. He'd like his 20th anniversary to be a positive thing and not this negative.
The caller who said that things worked out with Janks also said that the claims of Janks getting plugs on the show might be a little misleading. The guy said that he didn't see the contract himself so he doesn't know exactly what it says. Janks said he would reword it if they wanted him to. Howard said it sounded fine to him as ''to the best of his abilities.''
Howard was going to wrap up but Janks and Langford continued to argue for a few minutes. Janks asked if Steve would ever say anything positive about him. Steve said he has done positive stories about him in the past. Benjy asked Steve if he's got any proof that the bars, other than the one, who say that Janks hasn't shown up. Howard had to cut them off around that time because it was getting to be too much.
Ralph called in and said that Janks sounds like a pussy asking them to lay off on him. He said that Janks jerked people around on the phones for years. Janks said that he was making a good point there. Ralph also wondered what kind of appearances Janks is making. Janks talked about what he does and said that he gives out his CDs and does prank calls on stage at these places.
Howard let Janks go after that. Janks said that he's going to be at Dags this weekend even though the owner doesn't want him there.
Howard said that all sounds crazy to him. He said that as far as he knew Janks had been showing up to all of these places for the past 20 years.
Robin read some news about the Laura Bush writing a book. Robin also said that she had a story about drinkers having more sex partners. Robin had a story about Alex Rodriguez being with Madonna. She said that A-Rod was apparently turning down Donna Karin at a party recently because he's still so into Madonna.
Robin read a story about Bernard Madoff not being put in jail. He's still out on bail. Howard said he read that he was mailing his jewelry to family members and stuff. Howard said that this guy stole $50 billion and doesn't get put in jail while guys who steal less are locked up. That led to Robin talking about how she almost walked out of a store with a top on that she hadn't purchased. She said that she didn't realize that she hadn't taken it off. Howard said that was just a one time thing. Robin was comparing that to Winona Ryder doing that multiple times and claiming that she had just forgotten to take clothes off before leaving stores.
Robin said that Rip Torn has gotten into some trouble for driving drunk. Howard said that if someone changes their name to Rip Torn, they should be locked up.
Robin had a story about the head of the CIA and had some people bad mouthing the guy. Robin also had some news about President Bush talking about what's going on over in Israel.
Robin also had a story about a former Vogue cover girl who is being defamed on the internet by someone. She doesn't know who it is so she's going to court to try and get Google to reveal the name of the person who is doing it. Howard said that he doesn't get the internet because they can trace some of these people. Howard mentioned that Benicio Del Toro is going to be in tomorrow. Robin said she has to ask him about a story she heard about Scarlett Johansson banging him in an elevator. Howard told her to save that for tomorrow.
Robin said that they had some audio of a guy talking about John Travolta identifying his son after his death. The guy said that it was ''riveting'' when he saw it going on. Howard said that was a weird comment.
Robin had some audio of Kate Hudson talking about doing a movie with Anne Hathaway. Howard asked if she was in one good movie. Robin said she was in ''Almost Famous.'' Howard said that was 100 years ago.
Robin said that the new movie ''Gran Torino'' is coming out. Howard said he wants to see that but the movie companies won't send it to him. Robin had some audio of an actor talking about doing the movie. She had some other movie news that she went through. Robin had some audio clips of some actors talking about that. They ended the show a short time later, around 11:00am.
Jon asked Gary if he wants to eat out that late at night. Gary said that he could do what Booker did with his party but he's not sure he could sit there from 9:30 and celebrate New Year's Eve.
Jon brought up the Lisa G pooping at work thing and asked Gary about that. Gary said that they've worked at some really gross places like K-Rock. Gary said that the bathroom there was really disgusting and it was like playing a game show because there would always bee something gin the toilet in one of the three stalls. Gary said that Artie has probably never made a number 2 there at SIRIUS. He's got issues with doing that stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they need to have a theme song for Lisa where they sing about her taking a shit at work. Gary said that's a good idea. They need to find a good song for her though. Jon thanked the guy for the call. Gary tanked him for the salary too.
Jon said that Howard seemed pretty fired up about that paying their salary story this morning. Gary said that people do get fired up about stuff they do there. Gary said that he got a 3 page letter from a guy who was so upset about the channel Backspin. The guy was so disgusted that they took the channel away that he wrote a 3 page letter about it. Jim McClure said that they're actually bringing that channel back.
Gary said that Janks waited a little long to call in and complain about what Langford was doing to him. He said that he may have waited too long. Gary said that Steve might be on to something but he's really not positive what it is.
Benjy said that Steve presents it as fact and makes it appear that Janks is guilty. Gary said that Steve does have 3 copies of contracts and canceled checks and they all claim that Janks hasn't showed up. Gary said one of them was a place that canceled Janks though.
Jason said he thinks that Langford is off on this one. He said that Steve is making it seem like the guy is guilty and Janks might not be. He said that Janks is telling his side of the story but Steve just attacks him when he tries to defend himself. He said that it does seem like he's railroading the guy. Gary asked if he thinks that these three people are saying this just to screw Janks over. Jason said that they don't know all of the details and there may only be two bars that actually had problems with Janks.
Benjy said that it does seem like Janks might be okay with the contract because he does say that ''to the best of his ability'' he will try and plug the appearances. Jason said that Langford really comes across as if he's trying to railroad the guy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Langford is a great reporter and if you're getting corroboration from 6 different people, Steve might have something there.
The caller asked if they could have a moratorium on the Artie thing on the Wrap Up show. He said it's getting really tired. He said that he doesn't want to hear the so-called professionals talking about Artie and giving their diagnosis. Gary said that what happens is that they see people who want to talk about Artie and they end up getting sucked into their other stories.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Gary dropped the ball again. He said that they should have had one of the bar owners on the phone during that Janks discussion. Gary said that they didn't expect him to call in and Steve had all of the phone numbers for the bar owners. Gary said if he had one of the people on the phone he would have put them right up.
The caller said that it's kind of unusual for Janks to get his payment up front from the time he signs his contract. Gary said that he's right on with that. Gary said that once you promote a club you have to have payment because they won't pay you if they get what they wanted. Gary said that he always gets payment up front too because he got screwed one time.
The caller said that they should get paid 50 percent up front and the other 50 percent once they make the appearance. Jason said that these people have to remember that Janks is a gas station attendant who makes prank phone calls. Jason agreed that he should get paid up front but the bar owners have to remember that they're hiring these wack jobs who are on the show to make the appearances.
Gary said that they have one of the biggest whack jobs on the show who shows up to every appearance and that's Beetlejuice. He's never heard a complaint about him not showing up. Jason said that's his handlers who make sure he shows up.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Langford did the same thing to Fred and only took one side of the story there. Jason said that Steve did that to him and ran with the story. Jon said that Steve eventually came out and said he was wrong about that though. The woman on the phone didn't remember hearing that. Jason said that it seems like whoever gets to Langford first is the one who is right.
Jason said that Steve won't read the Page 69 stuff because he claimed that they had to have two sides to any story. That's not what he's doing with this whole thing. Jason also said that Langford isn't a real journalist, he came from Hard Copy.
The woman on the phone said she thinks that Langford is kind of being a hypocrite. She said that before Artie went to Iraq Steve came on the air and announced where they were going. Gary said that he admitted he was wrong for doing that.
Tim said that they have to give the show some time before they react. He said that Bubba has only done one show so far and they should come back to him in 60 or 90 days and talk to him about it then.
Tim was going on and on about how they're going to make things better as they go along. The caller asked when the show is going to be on. Tim said that it's going to be live on Friday from 10am to 2pm. That's an exclusive show on Friday. They're also going to be developing other content around Bubba's show for SIRIUS. Tim said that the channels will never be stagnant. He said that they're still trying to find their way and it's going to evolve and change.
Gary said that he was reading something from Bubba's web site or blog where he talked about how he was leaving the house at 4 in the morning and getting home at 7 or 8 at night and going straight to bed. Bubba wasn't able to do two shows anymore because it was causing so many problems.
Tim asked the caller to give it the benefit of the doubt and listen for 60 or 90 days to give it a chance. Jason said that Bubba's show could be better in time but it's not going to be the same show they had when it was uncensored on SIRIUS. Tim said that they've added a few markets on terrestrial and that show is evolving as well. He said that it's not just a local show anymore.
Gary kept calling the caller ''Amy'' but it was actually Jamie. She kept correcting Gary so by the end of her call he was doing it on purpose. She said she was going to kick his ass if he kept doing that.
Tim said that people are passionate about this whole thing and they all participate in it and that's what's so great about being part of this business. Tim was all fired up about that stuff. They had to take a break a short time later.
Gary said that he saw Lisa G disagreeing with almost everything that Whitney was saying. She didn't agree with the thing about carrying around the wipes and stuff.
Jon said that there was a lot of talk about the intellectual thing. Gary said that was odd that she didn't know that Jason Sehorn wasn't an intellectual until 6 years into the relationship. Gary said that there's no way he would have waited 6 years to have sex with a girl. Gary said that he has broken it off after just 5 weeks.
Jon played a quick clip of Whitney talking to Howard about her relationship with Jason Sehorn. It was where Howard was taking to her about the break up with Jason. Jon and Benjy talked about that a little bit. Jon said that during the break when Whitney had left, Whitney thought that she had seen Fred before. Fred joked that maybe she knew him from sitting next to Benjy. She looked at Benjy in horror and said that it definitely wasn't because of that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why this chick was even on the show. Jon said that she had some interesting stories to tell and Howard was able to do what he does with her. The guy thought the interview was too drawn out and the fans on SternFanNetwork were in agreement with that. Jon said that it goes that way with any guest on the show. The caller agreed they can't hit a home run every time.
The caller said that he was able to hear Bubba the Love Sponge when he was on terrestrial radio and it just wasn't good back then. He said that they eventually switched to a rap format. The guy said that he's not sure that the show is going to work out on terrestrial radio. Jon said that everyone said they were going to cancel if Bubba wasn't on. He's still on but the show is going to be different. Jon said that they still do crazy stuff on terrestrial radio and they have to give it a chance and not judge it on just one day.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that she thinks that anyone who doesn't check out the merchandise before they marry it has something wrong. She said that people need to figure out if they're going to be able to stay with these people. Benjy said that some people want to be virgins until they're married and that's fine for them.
JD was in and said that he thinks that people should have sex before they get married. He said that it could turn out to suck if you don't try it out before you get married. Jon asked JD how long he could wait with someone like Whitney. JD said he wasn't sure. He said that he'd have to get something from her within a couple of dates. Benjy laughed and asked JD if he was serious that he'd only wait a couple of dates for something from her. JD said that it all depends on how things are with someone like that. He said that it depends on the way she gives a blow job and stuff like that.
The caller said that she agrees with Howard and Tim about the fans complaining all the time. She said that she's willing to give Bubba a chance with the new show. Jon said that you really do have to stick through it and find what you like and dislike and just give it a fair shot.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he wanted to talk about Captain Janks. He said that he thinks that Steve is an asshole for only getting one side of the story. Benjy said that he did try to get in touch with Janks but he wasn't able to get him. Jon asked JD what he thought about all of that. JD said that he's in a weird position there. He said he likes Steve but he's not sure what to think about his reporting. Jon asked JD who he thinks has a good relationship with Steve there. JD wasn't sure but thought that it might be Benjy. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how they were live and repeated himself like Oprah does. Howard said that he was out at his gym and listening to SIRIUS and heard the song where they sing ''I Want my MTV.'' He thought about how they had the song ''It sucks at NBC'' back when they were over there. Howard said he'd like to hear that song again. He told Fred to try and find that for him to play.
Artie was back and talking about the NBC days with Howard and Robin. Howard said that they had some other songs that they'd perform when they did their live shows. Howard said that he used to do magic tricks out at those shows as well. Howard said that it used to look real when they would do the magic trick where he'd cut a woman in half. He said they'd have her carcass laying out in the lobby when the people were leaving. He said it was almost like a carnival back then.
Artie said that if Howard gave stand-up a good 4 months then he'd probably be really good at it. Howard said he did it a few times and he didn't like doing it. Howard said he doesn't like seeing people in the audience. Howard said he had no desire to do that stuff. Artie said that it gets easier after a while because you learn that everyone out there is just a dick.
Robin talked about some other stuff they used to do out there and how fun all of that was. Howard said that his friend Neil was in charge of the magic trick. He had to wash down the box that he cut the woman in half in. The blood would get stuck in the box and it's still in Neil's mom's house as far as he knows.
Artie asked Robin and Howard if they think that he would call and lie to them about where he was. Artie said that he wasn't lying. He said that he went to that rehab place kicking and screaming. He said he didn't want to be there. Howard said that people tried to get him to go to that intervention with his sister and Colin.
Artie said that he went there kicking and screaming and he really wanted nothing to do with a rehab. Artie also said that he heard a Howard 100 News report about Will sending him a note wishing him luck and stuff. Artie said that Jason was talking about being caught up in ''Artie's web of drug lies.''
Artie said that he was in this place and they don't really let you make a lot of phone calls. Artie said that the place is really heavy with all of these people who are trying to detox. Artie said he went to a doctor who had his blood analyzed. He said they told him that they knew he was worried about his liver and they told him that he needed to fix this one enzyme that was missing from his liver.
Artie said that they were giving him a special diet where they give him garlic and he has to eat that with an apple. Artie said that he was also drinking cucumber juice an taking a wheat grass insert that's like an enema. He said that a nurse had to do that to him. Artie said that you're supposed to hold that stuff in there as long as you can. Robin said that's called a retention enema. Artie said that's supposed to go to his liver and cleanse it. Artie said he was rolling around in pain the next day and they told him that the pain was from this wheat grass thing detoxing his liver.
Artie said that he was getting this colonic from this old woman who gave him her history and filled him in on how long her stool was. She was saying that she has a foot and a half long stool whenever she goes. The woman was also telling him that his rectum was very tight. Artie said of course it was. He's not used to having stuff put in there.
Artie said that he felt great after the colonic. He said he thinks he lost weight from that and felt much lighter. Artie said that he asked the woman how gay guys take stuff up there. He said that tiny tube was really hurting him.
Artie said that he's been off of drugs now for 15 days. He got off of that on Christmas Eve. Artie said he wasn't doing heroin when he was still there. He said that he took it on December 20th. Artie said that he feels that he's beaten heroin. He said that he usually pussies out when he's detoxing.
Artie said that he is a new person and he's going to lose weight now. He said he's not going to have a bagel and he's only going to eat the chicken he gets every morning. Artie said he had 8 days of raw food and that was like hard time for him.
Artie said that he did go to Nobu after having the raw food stuff for 8 days. Artie said that he and another guy were going nuts there at the center they were at. Artie said that he and these other two guys wanted to get out of there. They all had money because that place is really expensive. Howard said that Sam Kinison once told him that you're not a drug addict if you have $13,000 because a real drug addict will spend it all on drugs.
Artie said he was willing to give a drug test there every day. Howard said that he doesn't want that. Howard said it doesn't matter to him and he doesn't want to fire him. Howard said that he's not causing him any problems but he's going to talk about this stuff on the air. Artie said that they don't have to talk about it on the air then. Howard said they do have to do that because he can't just leave it out of the show and not tell the audience.
Howard said that he read Artie's book (Too Fat To Fish) and figured that he needed time off and if he needs it, he should take it. Artie said that he didn't go to ''rehab'' like everyone thinks. He said he just went to detox.
Artie said that his sister isn't talking to him right now because he promised to go to this thing for 3 weeks. He said that he's got a lot of stuff going on in his career now. He said that this Rolling Stone guy is doing an article about him and the guy wants to see him do rehab. Artie said that's why he came back because he's doing some comedy this week so the guy can see that.
Howard said he sees what Artie is doing to his family and he's really screwing with them. Howard said that Stacy is probably so worried about him that she can't even get into a relationship with a guy. Artie said that he knows about that but she has to stop worrying about him like that. Artie said that his sister is a great catch and she has standards. He said he's dealing with a lot of guilt himself.
Howard said that Artie's book showed him that he's feeling a lot of guilt over what happened with his father. He also said that Orlando Jones isn't calling him because he put the guy through hell. Artie said that he did try calling him recently. Howard said he wants to talk to the guy whose room Artie shit all over. Artie said that they never said anything about it back then so he's not sure if they ever heard anything about the shit.
Howard said that they were right when they talked to Artie about having some 4:30 in the morning doctor's appointment. Artie said that he did go to a doctor to get a note for the show. He said the guy is a shady guy but he is a doctor. Artie said that he had been drinking at the time and he was told he might have a bleeding ulcer. Artie said he was taking a lot of pain killers as well. He said that he was taking Vikodin and Percoset. Howard said he wants to know where he's going with all of this. Artie said he's not sure.
Artie said that he wanted them to make him take drug tests and the first one he fails, he'll leave the show. Howard wondered how that's going to help anyone. Howard said that he's not Artie's boss. Artie said that if one of the executives there wants to do it then he'll do it. Howard said he'll do the drug tests but he's not looking to fire him.
Robin suggested that they send him to ''real rehab'' and not just fire Artie. Artie seemed to be okay with that. He said that he knows about drug tests and what stays in your system for how long. Artie said he's not sure about the pain killers that he was taking though. Howard said he heard he was into cough syrup too. Artie said he'd have to drink gallons of that stuff to get high. Artie said that he used to take that stuff to do stand-up because he thought he was going to lose his voice if he didn't take it. Howard wondered if that would show up in the drug test. Artie said it should because it is an opiate.
Howard said that they get to pick the rehab that Artie goes to. It won't be in West Palm Beach. Robin said that it should be in a cold, dank place. Artie said that he knows a good place to go for rehab. Robin said that Artie is going to have to sleep in a room with another person and he's going to have to shit in the same room as other people. Howard said that he has to let them pick the rehab. Artie said that he knows a great place in La Jolla, California. Artie said that he's not going to some shitty place. He said his sister knows a good place.
Artie said that he's not going to do any drugs until summer. He asked if alcohol counts. Howard said that of course it does. Artie said that this is really tough to go through. He said that he's ready to go through his random testing though.
Artie said that he smoked weed before he went to rehab. Artie said that he knows this party girl who is a lot of fun to hang out with and she came over a few days before he left for rehab. He said he smoked the weed with her and that will probably show up in his blood test. Artie told Howard to give him about a year to start the tests so he can clear out his system. Robin said that this is going to be great because they're going to be doing random tests.
Artie talked about how he hadn't even been gambling lately. He said that on Friday night this woman out in Pittsburgh had texted him. He said that she was down in Miami and he begged her to stay down there with him. He said that was the main reason he went to South Beach. Artie said that he begged her to stay down there and went out with her. He said that she's the coolest chick ever. Artie said that there might be some connection with her. He said that she smokes weed though so that's kind of tough.
Howard said that it wasn't Ross who turned Artie in about the boat thing down in Miami. Artie said that he never got on that boat. He was busy with that Pittsburgh chick.
Howard said he heard that Artie lost another assistant. Artie said that she didn't quit or anything but he is looking for another assistant.
Howard told Artie about the picture they got of him walking down the street with a baseball bat. Artie said that he was out for a walk and he was just swinging the bat for exercise. Howard said he thought that he was doing a ''Walking Tall'' type of thing and beating people with the bat. Artie said that he was just using it for exercise.
Artie said that there were some really sad stories there at the center he was staying at. One woman had lung cancer and she never smoked a day in her life. Her father was a smoker. Artie said that they told him that he's lucky because he's as strong as an ox. He said they told him that other people would be dead if they did what he was doing.
Howard said that Artie's reporter is coming in today. Artie didn't know she was going to be there today. Howard said that he doesn't get why they have to get this done right now. Artie said that they must be busy but it's a dream for him to have something like that done. Howard said it was pretty cool when he got on the cover of the magazine. He did that twice.
Howard said that this reporter could just watch his DVD and see him do stand-up. Howard said that he totally conned his Rolling Stone reporter. He said that there's this cool part where the reporter is sitting there and you just want to do something cool to impress them. Howard said he went to pick up this reporter and he got the oldest, shittiest car he could find. He said he picked the guy up and put on the radio with an obscure, black, radical radio station. He figured that the guy would write that up in the article. Howard said that would be so fuckin cool but it wasn't reality. Howard said he had the radio blaring and he went through the whole thing. The guy didn't print one damn thing about that in there so he must have seen right through his bullshit.
Howard said that he was being interviewed by Stone Phillips one time and they wanted to film him at work. Howard said he told Gary to get a chick in a wheelchair who was dying. Gary found a woman who had cancer and was dying for real. She's dead now actually. Howard said that they got her in there so Stone Phillips would see her. Howard said that he told Gary to come in and interrupt them with the woman. They were going to wheel her in while he was doing his interview.
Gary said that Howard put his hands on her head and Stone Phillips started laughing. Howard said they cut it all out and saw through that bullshit as well. Gary said that he saw Tom Cruise pull over so he could play basketball with some kids at a high school one time in an interview. All of that stuff is bullshit.
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Artie said that he was shooting this movie back then and Lorne hated anyone who did MAD TV. He said he did get a call to go see him one time though. Artie said he was shooting a David Spade movie at the time so he had to put that on hold. Artie said that he got off of the movie and went out to see Lorne.
Artie said that he had his buddy call him to borrow some money but he couldn't wait for 2 hours to get it so he had to Western Union the guy some money. Artie said he went and found the office and waited for an hour. Artie said that after all of that Lorne never even looked at him. He told him to come into his office. Artie went into his office and it was a sprawling office out on the Paramount lot.
Artie said that Lorne didn't look at him for 20 minutes. Then he asked him about the Spade movie and told him that he was funny in the Norm movie. Artie said that Lorne told him that his stardom was fleeting and it was going to go away. Artie said that he paused and then Lorne said, without looking at him, that it must be his dream to do the show. Artie asked ''Saturday Night Live?'' and Lorne said yes. Artie said he did want to do that show. He said he had people tell him that if he had begged to do the show that he would have been put on it. Artie said that he doesn't have that in him though.
Artie said that he was 29 at the time and he said that he didn't want to kiss his ass but he said that he can't imagine anyone who wouldn't want to be on the show. Then Lorne said to him ''Well, that's not possible.'' Artie wondered why he was there then. Lorne told him that he likes to discover people and introduce them to the world. He said that it never works when he doesn't do that. Lorne told him about the people that were on that he didn't discover.
Artie said that Lorne told him that he was impressed with his work but he wondered why he did MAD TV instead of doing SNL. Artie said that he didn't know why things had worked out the way they had. He said that the show is still on the air and it took a chunk out of his ratings too. Artie said that it's all the same stuff because they both have half good sketches and half bad.
Artie said that no one was calling him back then and he just went to the place that would take him. He said he needed a job because his mother needed some money. Artie said that Lorne told him that if he did MAD TV he couldn't have him on the show. He said that since then they have hired people who have been on MAD TV. Artie said that Lorne thought that he had turned down an audition with the show in the past or something.
Artie said that Lorne had him there to audition for a part in a Molly Shannon movie. Artie said that he would do that. Then as he's walking out Molly was walking in and she said a quick hello.
Artie said that he went and told Norm and Spade the story and Norm told him that he was just fucking with him. Norm said that's what Lorne does to people, he fucks with them. Artie said that he found out that Lorne has this rivalry with another guy who ended up scooping up Adam Sandler. That guy produced ''Dirty Work'' and Lorne was fucking with him over that.
Artie said that he got a little bit back on his own. He went and did the audition with the ''Superstar'' movie. He said that he went in an sat on the couch in Lorne's office but Lorne wasn't there. Artie said that it was him and David Faustino who were there the same day. Artie said that he knew the kid from working over at FOX at the time. Artie said that he was a wigger back then and he did an impression of him talking to him. Artie said that he wanted to deck him but the kid is a nice guy.
Artie said that he started thinking that if he went in before him that he could do what he wanted to do. Artie did end up getting the audition first. He said they had a smokin' hot blonde chick who was producing this movie. They had the director in there too. Artie said that he told them that he wasn't going to bother reading for the part because he didn't know David Faustino was up for the role. He said he told them that Faustino was the best, funniest guy out there and he wasn't even going to bother with the audition. Artie said that Faustino is so funny that he won't insult him by competing with him. Artie said that he wasn't going to waste their time with the audition. The director of the movie knew what he was doing but the two chicks there had no idea. Artie said he walked out of the office after that. He said he was skipping to his car laughing on his way out of there. Artie said that Will Ferrall got that part.
Howard said he was going to do SNL one time and he told Lorne that he wasn't going to do the show unless he and his writers could write the sketches he was in. Lorne told him that he couldn't do that. Howard then suggested that they were going to pick apart all of the sketches as they were doing them. Howard said he was going to rip up the comedians as they were doing the bits and they would have to do improv. Howard said that Lorne told him that he wasn't going to let him do that even though it did sound like an amazing experiment. Howard said that he ended up going on the news and talked about how shitty the show was. He said he ran out of there because they were ready to lynch him after that.
Artie said that Norm went back on the show after he got fired. He said that Norm went on and did a monolog where he talked about being fired. He had been fired for not being funny enough to do the news and now he was hosting the show. Norm said that he was still horribly unfunny and the reason they had him back on was because the show had gotten so bad that even he was okay to have on.
Howard talked to Vanessa about what kind of SAT scores she got and things like that. Howard asked her if it would be edgier if Artie was on heroin again. Artie said that he was strung out on heroin when he did the photo shoot for this article.
Artie told Vanessa that he booked these comedy gigs this week just for her. He said that he wants her to see him there at Caroline's. She said that they do want to get the article out there while his book is on the Best Seller list.
Howard asked Vanessa if she's ever banged anyone that she's interviewed. Gary told Howard she's married. Vanessa said that she's married to an architect.
Artie found out that Vanessa would have gone down to Florida to see Artie if he had stayed down there. She said that she had to cancel her parents coming out to visit her to come out this week to do this interview. Artie said that he was given the wrong information. Artie said that he was kind of pissed about that.
Howard asked Vanessa about the pay she's getting at Rolling Stone. She said that it's okay money and not that bad. Howard said that he heard it was really bad pay.
Howard wished Vanessa luck with the article. Artie mentioned that her interview with Willie Nelson was really good. Howard wished her luck trying to follow Artie. Howard said he had to take a break and thanked Artie for sharing his stories. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that Benicio is an Academy Award winner. That led to them talking about some other winners that they've had on the show. They've had Robert Duvall, Tim Robbins, Warren Beatty, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Whoopi Goldberg, Ernest Borgnine, Cuba Gooding Jr. and a couple of others.
Howard said he was reading about some of the women that Benicio has been with and he didn't know that he was such a stud. Howard said that he denies having banged Scarlett Johansson like Robin thought he had.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. They had a new news theme song for her where Richard was singing ''Lisa G takes shits at work.'' Lisa told Howard that she doesn't do that at work now because of what they talked about yesterday.
Artie didn't know the story so they had to fill him in on that a little bit. Artie said that Lisa has been texting him like crazy since he went down to Florida. Lisa said that she sucked her into all of that and had her thinking that he was really in rehab. Lisa said that Artie needs to be in rehab and needs to get clean. That's all she had to say about that.
Howard said that Artie believes that he was in rehab. Artie said that he did detox so it was like being in rehab for him. Lisa said that he needs to detox from cupcakes.
Lisa got to her news preview and said they have a story about the pooping thing. She was in the middle of that when Artie interrupted and read some of her texts. Artie had a bunch of them that he read but she was denying that some of them were her's. Artie read through a bunch and said that she asked him to get lunch with him.
Artie showed them to Howard. Lisa had asked Artie what he was doing now that he was out of rehab. Lisa said that she was just doing her reporter duties and that was it. She wasn't asking him out.
Lisa said that she spoke to this poop doctor about going to the bathroom and how you can hold it in. Lisa said that she's not going to go at work now and she hasn't had to go today yet. Howard said of course you can control that. Howard explained how Lisa was pooping every day there at work and he told her not to do it there. Artie said he wants her to keep doing it there so she's shitting when Martha Stewart's daughter goes to the bathroom.
Artie said that he doesn't want to hear about Lisa shitting. Lisa said that Artie must be so gross when he goes. Artie figured that she's pretty gross too.
Lisa talked more about this poop doctor and what she spoke to him about. She said that she got some advice about using wet toilet paper to wipe your ass and stuff like that. Howard ended up talking about how he had brought some baby wipes with him down to Mexico and he ended up using all of the wipes he brought with him. He said that he had to ask Beth to go get some from the gift shop. Howard said he was embarrassed to buy them himself. Howard said that he had to have Beth go with him to buy more.
Howard said he and Beth went to the gift shop and Beth walked up and said that their friends were there with them and their kid needed wipes. Howard said that there was just one packet of them left. He said they had Spanish writing all over them and they were completely dried out.
Howard said that you can't just soak toilet paper and wipe. You have to dab with it so you don't create dingle berries. Howard said that he's seen some women who do that and get stuff stuck in the hair back there.
Howard said that it turned out that he had baby wipes in his bag that he carries to work every day. He said he didn't need those dried out things. Howard said that he usually sticks those things all the way up his ass to make sure he's clean back there. Howard said he didn't want Beth to know about that stuff though. He said he tries to do the best he can back there and doesn't want her to know about it.
Howard said that he's very dependant on people and that's the kind of stuff he has to go to the therapist for. He said that he doesn't want people to know about the wipes.
Artie said that he didn't have to shit for like 5 days after he took his colonic at the center he was staying at. Artie said that he had a woman giving him that colonic. He said that he had to lay on his side to get the tube put in. He said there were actually two people in there helping him out. Artie said that he laid on his side and this woman was looking at his ass. Artie said that she may have seen his cock but he's not sure about that. Artie said that he had a robe on but she may have caught a glimpse of it.
Artie said that this woman put some coconut oil on his ass and then told him to let her know when she put the tube in his butt. That was a Jamaican woman who was doing that to him. Howard asked how long his fill lasted. Artie said he couldn't take it the first time he was getting ass fucked. Artie said that by the end he was able to hold it for like 4 to 5 minutes. Howard asked how long it took for them to pump water into him. Artie said that it was a minute and a half tops. Howard said that Robin got applause for a 45 second fill.
Howard asked how long it was before he saw shit in the tube. Artie said that the second and third time it was longer. He said that they were giving him a play by play as the stuff was coming out of him. Artie said they told him to chew his food better after they saw some of the stuff coming out.
Artie said he got applause for one of his releases. He said that he could have fucked that chick. Artie said that they encourage you to go. Artie said that all of the stuff is in a tube so it doesn't smell bad. Artie said that they're looking for parasites when they're doing this stuff. He said they told him that they were looking for parasites and saw a 3 foot one come out of one woman. Howard said maybe he needs to get these things done to him.
Artie said that if you don't look yourself while it's going on then it really is like a play by play. Artie said that he's really feeling better after all of that. He said that he's able to jog now. Artie said that he's going to jog today after he talks to the reporter. Artie said that he might go over and see ''The Wrestler.'' Howard said he wants to see ''Gran Torino.'' Robin said that movie really is great and they do have to see that one.
Howard asked Artie why he's drinking Hawaiian Punch and eating a bagel. Artie said that he only had a little bit of the juice and only part of the bagel. Artie said that it's real fruit in that punch. Artie said that maybe he and Lisa can shit together later. He said he wants to see the look on her face when he bumps her knee with his knee while they're shitting.
Howard asked Lisa if she had anything else. Lisa said that she has a bizarre story about Sal's father. Artie was goofing on her and joking about her texts. Lisa said she doesn't believe anything that Artie says to her anymore. She said that people don't get off of drugs by taking wheat grass enemas. Lisa said that she's not buying it at all and she's entitled to her opinion. Artie said that in her opinion her sweater is nice too.
Sal came in and said that's just the way it is in his house. He said that last Christmas he said he was going over there and he left. He said he would be back next year and he came back. He said his father just left after saying goodbye to his mother. Sal said it's the typical old fashioned Italian household.
Sal said that his father slept on the couch the whole time they were married. Sal said that they're still married and he's not sure what is going on over there in Sicily. He said he did hear some stories about him having some step sisters and stuff but he doesn't know much about that.
Sal said his father was back and got some gifts but he didn't give anyone gifts. He said that he's staying at his sister's house right now. His dad comes and stays there but he stays upstairs in her house while his mother stays in an apartment at the same house.
Sal said that they learned to keep their mouths shut about the whole thing when they were kids. Sal said his mother isn't seeing anyone either and she thinks that's a sin to do that. Howard asked where you find a woman like that. Sal said that his dad is just out there doing his thing and he hears stories from people about his father that make him cringe. Sal said a friend of his told him how out of his mind his father was.
Sal said that this guy told him that his father ended up splitting some guy's head open after he did something to him. Sal said that his father was arrested and released and he had no idea that it had gone on. Sal said that they used to go over to Sicily to visit and they never knew why. Sal said that they'd be out driving and for hours and his father would pick up a bag from behind a bush and drive back to Naples. He said he doesn't know what was in the bag but it was probably money.
Gary came in and told some stories that Sal had told him before. Gary said that Sal's father had his mother convinced that he liked to wear perfume himself but he was probably wearing it to disguise the smell when he'd be out with other women who wore that perfume.
Artie told a story about a boss he had one time who was a real hard ass. That guy ended up going to Sicily for 6 months when his wife told him to go out and get her some bread. They ended up in court when he came home and the judge asked him what he had there. The guy said that he had gone out to get bread. It took him 6 months to get it.
Sal said that his father has no rationalization for what he does. He said that his father tells him to come out and visit but there's no way he's going over there. Sal said his father kind of bites his lip when he sees the way he handles his wife. Howard said he must think he's an idiot. Sal said that he does and he always called him an idiot his whole life.
Sal said that he once loaded his father's cigarette with those loads that make them explode. He said that his father got a spark in his eye and he chased him down to hit him and ended up spraining his pinkie when he hit him on the side of the head. Sal said that he's been calling him a piece of shit ever since then.
Sal said that he grew up with his dad around but he really doesn't know him that well. Artie asked if he thinks that his father is connected. Howard said he didn't want to know the answer to that. Sal said that he's not sure about that.
Sal said that he's heard about his father having other kids and how he wasn't supposed to stay in touch with the kid. He told the story about the kid and how the kid eventually killed himself when he found out that the father who raised him wasn't really his father. Sal said that when he killed himself he found out that he had a half brother.
Artie told Sal that he really needs to see a therapist if that's the kind of stuff he had to go through in his life. Artie said he knows that sounds odd coming from him but he thinks he needs help.
Howard told Lisa she did an excellent job bringing all of that out. He told her to go have a nice shit in the bathroom now. They went to break after that.
Robin said that we don't go around decimating every country that attacks us. Howard said that they did attack Japan when they attacked us. Robin said that we don't do that all the time though. Robin said that we don't attack a whole country based on one attack. Howard said he thinks Robin is misguided with that. Robin said that she's not.
Howard and Robin argued about all of that for a short time. Howard said that they would attack Canada if they lobbed bombs over into Buffalo or something. Robin and Howard both disagreed with each other. Howard said it's better when they agree.
Robin said that we just don't bomb countries out of existence like Israel is. Howard said that she's not saying that they're wrong but they're reacting to this in a different way than other countries would.
Artie said he didn't know the details but it seemed right to him that Israel was attacking. Robin said that she wasn't saying they were wrong either, she just said that they were reacting different than other countries.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that this was an amazing show today. Larry was also asking Howard what he thinks about this new ''Schwarza Senator'' who was appointed by the Illinois Governor. Howard said he didn't like him using that word but he thinks that the appointment was done to avert the attention from Governor Rod Blagojevich. Howard said that the guy will probably be seated but now his seat is going to always seem to be a joke and appear to be corrupt. Howard said it's just bad for our country. He said that it's just like the Al Franken thing. He said it's so third world that it makes us look bad. Howard spent a minute on that and then found out that Benicio Del Toro was there.
Howard talked about this movie ''Che'' and filled in some details on who Che Guevara was and talked to Benicio about all of that. Howard also asked if he gets to bang a chick in the movie. Benicio said that he does get to do that with an actress by the name of Catalina Moreno. Howard asked if he gets to do love scenes with her. Benicio said that he doesn't and couldn't believe that Howard didn't get to see the movie yet. Howard said they sent it to him just last night so he wasn't able to watch it.
Howard said that he was so desperate that he tried watching an Adam Sandler production called ''House Bunny'' and it was awful. Artie said he liked it. Howard figured he was just saying that so he could work with him some day.
Howard asked Benicio if he's ever shown his penis on film. Benicio said that he hadn't. Howard said he had a story about him where he did this movie one time and he had demanded to have the right amount of ransom money in his wallet to make it appear to be real. Benicio said that it was actually a bag that he was supposed to be carrying and they had to pack 3 gym bags with money to make it look real. He said that it was very heavy and it was 3 bags full.
Howard said that he wanted to make sure that he had real looking stuff in his movie too. Benicio said that he liked his movie.
Howard asked Benicio about burning himself with cigarettes for a part he played. Benicio said that was for ''Fear and Loathing'' and he did that because he had seen one of the guys that Hunter S. Thompson had written about in the book. The guy used to burn himself with cigarettes so he wanted to do that to play the part. Benicio said that was something he did when he was younger just to get into the part. Howard said that he wouldn't commit suicide if he was playing a suicidal guy in a movie. Benicio said that was the way it used to be, he doesn't do that stuff anymore.
Howard said that Benicio's mother died when he was just 9 years old. Howard said he had a tough upbringing too. The step-mother wasn't the best. Benicio said that she wasn't the worst. He said that he was probably a bad kid and he was probably looking for attention. Howard asked if he still yearns for his mother. Benicio said that you never get over that. Howard asked how long it took for his dad to find another woman. Benicio said it was probably about a year before he got married again. Howard asked if he had a date at the funeral. Benicio said that Howard was bad.
Robin asked if Benicio Del Toro was his real name. Artie said that when you have a name like that you have to be an actor or own a lawn mower store. Howard asked Benicio if he thinks that his mother is still looking down on him from heaven or something. Benicio said that he does believe that she's doing that in some way.
Howard asked Benicio about this new werewolf movie he's in. Benicio said that the movie is coming out in November and he hasn't seen it yet. Howard said that the previews he's seen look really good. Howard said that it appears to be a serious movie. Benicio said that it's as serious as it can be.
Howard said he thinks that Benicio looks like Brad Pitt. Artie said that he looks like Brad Pitt if he was a Puerto Rican, a little uglier and a lot better of an actor.
Howard asked Benicio when he lost his virginity. Benicio said it was at 13. Howard said he didn't lose his until he was 16. Artie said he didn't lose it until he was 19 and he lost it to a whore.
Howard asked Benicio how he got started as an actor. Benicio said that he wanted to make his schedule in college easier so he took some classes. He said he went to UC San Diego. Artie said that he's been out there in San Diego and there are a ton of hot broads out there. He said it's like stepping on a pussy bomb when you set foot out there.
Howard asked Benicio if he still talks to his father. He said that he does. His father remarried so he doesn't keep in touch with the other step-mother.
Artie asked Benicio if he came up with the voice he did in the movie ''The Usual Suspects.'' Benicio said that he was told he could do anything he wanted with the part and they gave him suggestions and that's how he came up with that.
Benicio noticed that he was on camera in the studio and told Howard to make up his mind if they were on radio or TV. Artie told him that there are like 17 cameras in there.
Howard asked Benicio about doing a Madonna video and if he ever banged her. Benicio made it sound like he never did. Howard had a list of other women that he had been rumored to have been with. Howard said that the list was pretty big.
Howard said that Benicio's first film was the second Pee Wee Herman movie. Benicio said that really was his first, first film.
Howard read the list of conquests that Benicio had. He said that Alicia Silverstone was the first one he brought up. Howard asked if it's almost impossible to do a movie and not sleep with a co-star. Artie said he's done that. Howard asked how he got involved with Alicia when she was hot. Benicio said she's still hot. Howard asked if he was surprised he was attracted to her. Benicio said there was no surprise there. Howard asked why he didn't stay with her and if she was a pain in the ass. Benicio said that she wasn't a pain in the ass.
Howard asked Benicio about Heather Graham and if acting is the best thing ever. Howard said that he'd never get to bang chicks like that if he wasn't an actor. Howard said that he read that Heather had dumped Benicio.
Howard asked him if he's ever been in love with any of these chicks. Benicio said he has but he gets distracted. Howard said that Sarah Foster, daughter of record producer David Foster, was on the list. Howard asked Benicio how he met her. Benicio said that he met her at a party out in L.A. Howard asked if they come up to him or if he has to go up to them. Benicio said it depends. He said he just lets it happen and doesn't force it at all. He said he dated her for like a year. Artie said he likes that he's not denying dating any of these chicks.
Howard said that Benicio dated Amber Smith who is now on Celebrity Rehab. Howard told him that she was hooking to get drugs. Benicio said that he didn't know that. Howard said that Amber is a beautiful girl. Howard had some more names like Lindsay Lohan. Benicio said that he didn't remember doing anything with her. Howard asked if he was denying that he had ''kanoodled'' with her. Benicio said that he did know her though so the guys figured he was just embarrassed to admit it.
Howard asked more about this movie ''Che'' and found out that it was actually 2 movies and they total 4 and a half hours of movie time. Benicio said that they each took 39 days to shoot. Howard said that Benicio had to go out and learn an accent because his accent wasn't quite right for the part.
Benicio said that he went down to Argentina and worked with a speech guy on the accent for the movie. Howard said that this is one of those films where they don't pay you a ton of money. He figured that the Wolfman movie must have paid him well. Benicio said that the movie is a remake of a 1940s movie and it should be good.
Howard said he thinks that this Wolfman is going to put Benicio over the top so he can get $20 million a film. Howard asked him what his quote is right now. Benicio said that he had to call his people over that. He said he gets confused with the numbers and it all depends on the type of movie it is. He said that the studio movies are higher than the independent films.
Howard asked how much time this ''Che'' took out of his life. Benicio said that it does take some time out of your life but he enjoyed doing the research and stuff he had to do for the movie.
Howard asked Benicio who he's hanging out with these days. Benicio said that he has a friend by the name of John. He said he hangs out with Leonardo DiCaprio too.
Benicio said that he was hoping that the show would be on a little later than it is. Benicio said that he's in New York but he still has to get up early to do it. Artie asked him if he's ever double teamed a chick with DiCaprio. Artie figured that he must have. Benicio wasn't answering.
Howard asked Benicio if he's a drug guy. Benicio wasn't saying. Howard said he wasn't getting much out of this guy today. He gave him some plugs for this movie ''Che'' and Benicio said that it took like 7 years of research to make that movie. Robin said that you don't see many movies with intermissions in them these days.
Howard asked Benicio if he's ever had two women at the same time. Benicio didn't answer. Artie said that he's going to go see this movie when he has a whole weekend to kill. Artie was doing this thing where he was pretending to be Heather Graham sucking him off and gagging as she was talking to him.
Gary said that he heard that Benicio was paid $5 million up front to do a movie and they pulled the plug on it and had to pay him off. Benicio said that they took too long to make the movie and he got out of it because they dragged it out too long.
Howard said that Benicio is one of the finest actors out there. Artie agreed and said that he is one of the finest... in the studio.
Howard asked Benicio if he saw the movie ''Milk'' and ''Slum Dog Millionaire.'' He thought they were pretty good but Slum Dog didn't live up to the hype. Howard asked Benicio if he would make out with dudes like they did in that movie ''Milk.'' Artie said that they could keep their Oscar before he'd do that.
Howard asked Benicio if he's dating anyone right now. Benicio said he sees people. He wasn't saying who he was seeing. Robin said that he never has stories about him in the tabloids. Howard said that you can avoid that stuff if you try hard enough. Benicio said that it's gotten out of hand out there in L.A. He said there are areas that you can go to where the paparazzi aren't at.
Howard told Benicio that he's a great actor and it was an honor to have him there. Artie asked him if he got to meet and hang with Hunter S. Thompson. Benicio said he did. Artie asked him if he blew his head off at that age because Ernest Hemingway blew his head off at that age. Benicio said that he doesn't know about that and he didn't even know that Hemingway had done that at the same age. Howard asked Benicio if he thought Thompson was interesting. Benicio said that he was. Howard asked if Hunter was doing blow right up to the end. Howard said he knows who the guy is but he didn't know the details of his life. Howard said he never had him on the show.
Howard said that he never asked anyone to be on the show. He said that they come to him and ask to be on the show.
Ham Hands Bill called in and said that he knew Benicio when he was younger. Bill said that his father owned a basketball court and he knew him from there. Bill said that he knows that he was a great outside shooter. Benicio didn't remember him. Benicio said that he's probably just been watching a lot of TV. Benicio said he wasn't that great of an outside shooter either.
Another caller asked if it was true that he banged Scarlett Johansson in an elevator. Benicio said that they actually got caught and there is a video out there somewhere. He said that they have cameras in elevators now. Howard said he'd be very pleased with himself if he were Benicio.
Benicio asked if the booze in there was real. Howard said it was and he could have a drink if he wanted to. Artie was ready to have a drink with him but Howard cut him off and said that he can't pour a drink because he's going to fall off the wagon. Artie said he was just going to pour him a drink. Benicio said he just wanted to see if it was real booze or fake stuff.
Gary came in and said that he would pour the drink for him. Gary told him what they had and handed him a glass that was filled with dust. Benicio blew the glass and had a cloud of dust hit him in the face. Gary broke open a bottle for Benicio and poured him some whiskey. Artie told the guys to bring in a chick for him to bang too.
Benicio said that he heard that Howard can call the shots there and he can let his show go as long as he wants. Howard said that's true and he dictates how long the show goes. Artie said that he did that on terrestrial radio as well.
Artie lit up a cigarette while all of that was going on. He said that he needed to be calmed down a little bit. Howard said that Artie is not going to make it with his sobriety.
Benicio asked how long the show goes on. Howard said that it's on all day long. Howard told him he's got his own channel there that they air the show on.
Gary said that Benicio had to get going because he had other shows to do. Howard took one last phone call. The caller said that he loved that movie ''Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'' and asked if they were really high in the movie. Benicio said that they were high. Howard wondered if he was kidding or not.
Howard took another call and the caller said he saw ''Che'' over the weekend. He said that it was a little long but it was amazing. He said that everyone cheered for the movie when it was over. The caller said that he loves Benicio and said that he thinks he's brilliant. Another caller said that Artie has been high jacking the whole interview. Artie said that's because Benicio isn't talking and he's trying to do a radio show there. Artie went off on that guy calling him a fag and some other stuff. Benicio told him to calm down, that guy is a fan. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard came back and said that he had Eric the Midget on the phone and he wondered if anyone wanted to hear about his time at the Bunny Ranch on New Year's Eve. Howard said he wanted to hear about it but no one else did.
Gary said that he saw a picture of Eric naked on a bed with just a t-shirt on. Eric said that he didn't know that picture was out there. Gary said he saw everything in the picture. Howard said he didn't see his wiener. He said that he is exposed on the bottom.
Eric said that he didn't leak that picture and he couldn't believe that they had it. Gary asked him what he thought was going to happen if he posed nude for them. Eric said he thought that it was going to stay on that web site.
Howard checked out the picture and didn't recognize the woman in the picture with Eric. Eric said that it was Airforce Amy and they should have known it was her. Gary said they're not porn fans so they wouldn't know who she was.
Fred said that it was actually Amy who sent the picture to them. Eric said that he got laid on New Year's and had two different chicks at two different times. Eric said that no photos were taken with Chloe Daniels. Howard said that those pictures were wild.
Howard asked if he used a condom. Eric said that he did. Howard said that was it, Eric got laid on New Year's Eve. Artie came in and said that was fantastic when he saw the pictures. He said that the rooms there were really nice. Artie said that was good for Eric. He had a smile on his face.
Eric said that the picture wasn't supposed to get released. Artie said he sounds like a celebrity who leaks a picture and thinks it's not going to get out there.
Artie said that the rooms look like rooms at the Four Seasons. Howard asked how long the girls spend with him. Eric said that it's about an hour or so. He said that they get right to it too.
Howard asked Eric if he goes down on the chick. Eric said that he can do that. He said that he licked the chick and he wasn't afraid of disease or anything. Artie said he has no reason to be afraid of that. Howard asked how long he did that with the chick. Eric said he wasn't sure. He said that he had the chick on his face when he was licking her. Howard said she could have killed him by doing that. Howard said that would be a hell of a way to go with Airforce Amy sitting on your face.
Howard asked if Amy blew him. Eric said that she did. Howard asked if he put his fingers in her. Eric said he may have. Howard asked if Amy has to get on top of him. Eric said that she did. Howard asked how long he held out. Eric said that he finished during his blow job.
Howard found out that Amy was sucking on the condom after it had been inside of her. Howard thought that was kind of gross. Howard asked if the rubber fits him. Eric said that it does. He has no problem getting one to fit. Howard congratulated him on all of that and said he had to get going.
Eric said that he sent some pictures out to them and one of the girls in the pictures he has a date set up with. Howard said he really had to go. Artie told him to call back sometime. Eric said that her name was Sunny Lane. Howard said he really had to go again. Eric said that he's going back in March for his birthday. Howard eventually hung up on him and said that he's really happy for the guy.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that it's not funny that Artie was going to take a drink today. She said that it's enough already. Artie said that he wasn't going to have a drink and said that this is a comedy show that he's on. She and Artie went back and forth on that for a short time. Mariann told him that he's ruining his mother and sister's life with all of this an he's really getting to be a pain in the ass.
Howard told Artie that he's hearing a lot of that mother and sister stuff. Artie let Mariann go off on him for a few minutes but kept getting in some little digs at her. He told her to go live her own life and forget about him.
Another caller said that he thinks that Artie sounded like he was on drugs this morning and he wouldn't shut the fuck up today. The guy thought Artie ruined that interview with Benicio Del Toro. Howard said ''Oh come on...'' He and Artie went back and forth for a few seconds.
A caller thought that Artie saved that interview because Benicio wasn't saying much. Artie jumped in and helped out during the interview. That guy was also saying that the thing about Artie is that you never know when he's going to come back to the show. He said that you want him to show up so you can hear his stories.
Artie said that in 8 years he's only missed like 18 days. Howard said that's about right and he doesn't mind it if he misses a day here and there. Artie said that they're making it seem like he's out 2 days a week or something. Artie said that he's there and the people who don't like him on the show are the ones who should be upset.
Howard read some mail that they got about this situation an the fans were going off on Langford about the way he was handling Janks yesterday. Howard said that some people think that Steve isn't being fair to Janks. Steve said that he likes Janks but these people don't have the facts like he does.
Steve got back to the story and said that they have no contact number for Janks and they're unable to get in touch with him right now. Howard said that he would invite Janks to call in and speak to this bar owner. Gary said that he has a number for Janks and he can set up that call. Howard said that he would set that up so they can talk to the bar owner.
Steve said that three men broke in and claimed that they were from the Andy Dick Show and stole some stuff from a SIRIUS studio out in Los Angeles. Howard said that Andy Dick is going to be on the new show Sober House on VH-1 this month. Howard said that this is the follow up to the Celebrity Rehab show. Howard said that Andy shows up on that show. Artie said that's a get for them. He said that they're almost begging him to go on that show. Howard said he might suggest that he go on that show.
Howard said he got really nervous with Artie during that Benicio interview. Artie said he wasn't going to drink and it never would have happened. He said that he really doesn't want to go to one of those rehabs. Artie said that he might go on that show just to do it even if he doesn't need to do the rehab right now.
Steve wrapped up and then Jon Hein came in and ran down the list of subjects they were going to cover today on the Wrap Up Show. They ended up talking about Benicio and what Robin would do to him if she was with him.
They were also talking about Artie's random drug testing which was already set up. Howard said he knew the date of that and it's going to happen. Artie told Teddy to go get him 4 gallons of vinegar for him. Earlier in the show he mentioned that guys use that to disguise drugs in their urine tests.
Artie said that his sister isn't talking to him right now and that's really upsetting to him. Artie said that he had to come back to work at some point and he came back a little sooner than he thought he was going to.
Howard said that he's got to stop with the mother and sister stuff and not be so involved with them. Artie said that it's actually his sister's birthday this weekend and he doesn't want to be a negative to her. Howard said that he might not want to go hang out with her or anything. Artie said that she wouldn't stop him from going but he wouldn't go if she asked him not to.
Robin started out her news with a story about Patrick Swayze and his interview with Barbara Walters. Robin had some clips from the interview where Swayze was talking about his battle with pancreatic cancer. Howard and Robin talked about how sad that was but also said that Swayze is still working. Artie said that things have changed over the years because of DVD sales. In the past they wouldn't hire someone to do a show if they weren't going to be around for 5 years because of syndication deals. Now they can sell one season of a good show on DVD and make money.
Robin had audio of Patrick's wife talking about the situation and how tough it is to think about her husband possibly not being around. She was on the verge of tears.
Robin read a story about MTV looking for women who hate their breasts. Howard said that there are a lot of women out there who hate their breasts. Robin said that she hated her's for a while. Robin said that they're not looking for women who want implants, they're looking for women who can possibly get them fixed in natural ways. Howard said that they'll probably just stick those cutlets in their bras or something.
Artie said that he's been with chicks who want implants just so they have bigger breasts, even if they have perfect tits before they get them.
Robin asked Howard what he thought about the picture of Jenny McCarthy that was in the paper. Howard said he thought she looked good but Robin didn't think she was looking that good. Artie said she looks fine. Artie said that Liv Tyler isn't looking too good.
Artie said that he thinks that Jenny was on the prowl for an A-list celebrity and Howard could have had her. Howard said that she did tell him that she would fuck the shit out of him. He said he couldn't be with Jenny in a real relationship but he would have fucked her. He said that as soon as the autistic kid comes into the picture, he's out.
Howard said Beth even told him that if she had a kid, he never would have married her. Howard said she's right about that. Howard said that he's a heal and he knows it. He wouldn't have married Beth if she had a kid. Howard said for all he knows she does have a kid and she's just keeping it hidden from him.
Howard said he thinks that Jenny must be great in bed but she probably needs tremendous attention. He figures that she puts out anything though. Howard said that she probably likes chicks and she's bi-sexual and maybe Jim has a freaky side to him. He said that Jenny probably keeps it interesting. Howard said he would have fucked Jenny if he had the chance and he would have reported back to the guys on the show with that stuff. He said that Beth interrupted that tear he was on with women.
Artie said he was wondering if a chick like this Rolling Stone reporter would lower herself to having an affair with him. Howard told Artie he'd have to clean up and he could probably get brainy chicks like that. Howard told him that he just has to clean up his act and he's in. Howard said he read that book and he's really a mess and has to clean up. Artie said that he's on the right track now.
Howard said that he thinks that Artie is going to be in rehab in just a short time. He said that he told Gary to make the appointment a week before the day that they had scheduled because he doesn't think that he's going to last that long. Howard said he wants Artie to make it but he's really not sure what's going to happen.
Howard said that when he goes to rehab he's going to have his phone taken from him and he won't even be able to text anyone. Howard told Artie he's got to make it. He said he read the book, ''Too Fat To Fish,'' and it's fantastic. Howard said that he told Beth she had to read it because they had so much to talk about after they read it. Howard said it was sad. That led to the guys talking about Rev. Bob Levy's read in the audio book. Artie said he must have been mad to have let Bob read that stuff.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the band The Stooges and how one of the guys in the band just died. That led to Fred playing a bunch of Three Stooges audio clips. Howard played some of The Stooges music as well. Howard wasn't a fan but Artie said he kind of dug the song he was playing. Artie had Fred playing some Iggy Pop stuff as well. Howard said that if he heard that music as his own, he'd think that it just sucked. Robin said that it was Ron Ashton who had passed away at the age of 60.
Robin read a story about an Australian woman who set her husband's genitals on fire. Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara during that discussion. Howard said that even his marriage wasn't that crazy. Dominic said that he wanted to know what kind of drug test they were going to do. Dominic said that the urine is only good for 72 hours and the hair is good for a year. Howard said that they're only trying to find out if he's on drugs currently.
Howard told Dominic he had to go after that. Dominic was saying that Artie might want to try the surgery he had on his stomach to lose the weight. Artie said he's not doing surgery to do that. Howard had to go to break around 10:20am.
After the break Robin got back to her news and read a story about Oprah Winfrey's trainer being on Larry King's show talking about Oprah's weight gain. Howard said it's amazing that guy can't keep the weight off of her and everyone wants him to be their trainer. Robin said that the trainer said that Oprah has been able to keep off 90 pounds for 15 years. She's back to watching her intake and not eating as many chips as she was eating.
Howard said it's so easy to just say no to the food. He said that you're an adult, you can change your life today.
Robin read a story about how some women may be able to orgasm during child birth. She said that they think that it might be part of Mother nature's master plan to make child birth easier. Fred played some old lady porn clips during that story and they made Artie laugh his ass off. Fred kept playing the clips and made Artie laugh. Artie asked if he could have that sound clip for when he has to go to rehab.
Robin read some news about Barack Obama and how he's still fleshing out his cabinet. Robin had some news about Joe Francis and Larry Flynt looking for a bail out. They say that the industry has fallen flat so they're asking for a $5 billion bail out.
Ralph called in and said that Howard gets overweight sometimes and he's got the same issues as Oprah. Howard said that he's ragging on Oprah because when she does stuff that's dumb, he's going to point it out. Ralph said that Howard has gained weight before. Howard said he keeps it under control and hardly goes over 5 pounds. Ralph said that it's the same thing. Howard said that Ralph is being dopey and he shouldn't call in and make dopey calls like this. Howard told him he sounds dumb right now. Ralph said he doesn't know about that.
Howard said that he actually enjoys Oprah when he watches her show but she's very hypocritical. Howard said she sets herself up as this holier than thou but she's in the same business as he's in. Howard said that he admits it. Howard said that Oprah will put someone eon the show to sit out and be fried and then say that she did them a favor.
Ralph asked Artie why he doesn't just buy a ton of drugs instead of having to go out and buy it often. Artie said that he's afraid to have more than he needs in the house because he could get into trouble taking it or even having the cops thinking that he was selling it or something. Artie said he would only use more if he had it in the house.
Robin read some news about Israel's attack on Gaza. She had some audio clips where people were talking about what's going on there.
Robin had some news about the appointed senator from Illinois who was turned away when he went to take his seat in the Senate. They claim that he didn't have the proper credentials to get in there.
Ralph called back and asked Artie about going down to Atlantic City and getting hookers and stuff. He asked what he was high on that day. Artie said that he went home that night and drank a lot but didn't have any drugs. Artie said that he had stopped drinking for a month or two in the summer. He said he has fucked up though.
Howard took another call from a guy who told them to go pick up one of those 5 minute drug tests to see what he's on. Howard said that he's pretty sure he wouldn't pass that. Howard said that he and Fred were talking during the break and thinking that something was up with Artie this morning. Artie is just giddy today according to Fred. Artie said he's got a clarity and he's not high on anything today. He swore he wasn't but we all know that his swearing on anything means absolutely nothing.
Robin had Howard playing some audio clips of Barack Obama talking about how the country is in debt by a trillion dollars already. He said they have to set to work on that once he gets into office.
Robin read some news about Jett Travolta's death. That led to Artie talking about how he met Jett on the set of Jerry Maguire and got into some trouble when he rolled a baseball to the kid. The kid's nanny ended up yelling at him for doing that. He said that she told him that he was going to hit the kid in the face but all he did was roll the ball really slow to him. Artie said that he did go around telling people that they were raising a pussy after that.
Robin had some news about the new judge on American Idol, Kara DioGuardi, and had some audio of her talking about what that's been like. Howard said that Paula Abdul claims she's not upset about this new person but it's obvious she is.
Robin said that Kate Hudson has a new movie out that she produced. Artie said he can't wait to not see that movie. Fred threw in Grandpa Al Lewis' ''Blah, blah, blah'' audio clip while that was playing. Robin said that Kate had to balance acting with producing at the same time on the movie. She had audio of her talking about how tough that was. Howard said he thought that she was interested in him back when he met her at Rick Rubin's party. Then the next thing he knew she was banging the guy from the Black Crows.
Robin read through a couple more stories and said that Hugh Hefner has revealed his latest group of girls that he's with. He's got a 22 year old by the name of Crystal Harris. Howard wondered how long it'll be before she slips people notes asking them to get her out of the mansion. They ended the show a short time later, right around 10:55am.
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Artie came in a short time later and he had Vanessa from Rolling Stone with him. Gary asked Vanessa about some of the stuff she was asking him about in his office. Gary figured that she was just asking him for the article. Gary said that he kind of got that she was doing it for the article and wasn't trying to be his buddy.
Jon asked Artie about his scheduling snafu and how there was a little lack of communication there. Artie said that he came back home for the interview and didn't stay in Florida. Artie said he's glad to be back, he's fine.
Gary said that's why they were goofing on his schedule changing because he came back two weeks earlier than he thought he was going to.
Artie said that he wanted to hear the tape of Jason saying that they had all be caught up in ''Artie's web of drug lies.'' He said that no one without a pussy ever says that. Artie said that he didn't get why Will didn't send him this note he claimed he was going to. Will was upset that Artie wasn't actually in a real rehab.
Artie said that Lisa G really wants him because she wants a slob to fix and she wants a construction project. Gary said that he can't disagree with him on that. Artie said that you know that this chick wants to fuck him and she doesn't hate him. Vanessa said that it seems like she hates him. Artie said that she's like Molly Ringwald and he'd Judd Nelson in ''The Breakfast Club'' and it just seems like she hates him but doesn't really.
Gary told Artie that he can't believe that he fell in love with a hooker. He said he read about that in his book. Artie said that this girl was an 18 year old Brazilian chick and she was beautiful. Artie said that the place he used to work at had guys who were getting these Brazilian chicks and they'd do anything if you told them that you'd marry them.
Artie told the story about how he met this chick and how he took her out to dinner. They didn't understand a word of what they were saying. Artie said that he took her home and fucked her. Gary said that the woman he was talking about was the sister of a chick that Artie got blown by at a bachelor party. Artie said that chick would take the money from him and shoved it in her shoe.
Will came in and told Artie there's a great joke in the book about how Artie hoped that maybe he had done heroin out of a brick of stuff that had come out of that chick's ass. Artie told that story and said that they wanted him to take the joke out of the book.
Will and Artie talked about the comments Will made in the news report where he felt betrayed by Artie. Will said he never said he felt betrayed but he was kind of bummed out when he found that Artie wasn't really at rehab and he was in a spa. Artie said that it wasn't a spa either.
Artie told Will that he would like to get a message from him and he'd welcome that at any time. Will said he was going to send him a message until he found out that it was a bunch of bullshit about him being in rehab. Artie said that he was still going through a tough time and he'd love to hear from him.
Gary asked Artie about the shows he's doing at Caroline's this week and if this will be the first time he's doing them sober in a long time. Artie said that he's done some sober shows recently and he doesn't do stuff at all of the shows.
Benjy asked Artie if he was doing heroin between August an December. Artie said that he was on and off of the stuff on weekends. Artie said that he would call a friend and tell him about that and the guy would talk him off the cliff of guilt. He said he was going back and forth with that every couple of weeks.
Artie said that he has this person that he talks to about it and that person would really help. It was a woman but he didn't say who that person was.
Artie told the guys about this chick that's a bad scene and smokes weed with him. He said that this chick deals and stuff too so she's bad news when she's around him. Artie said that he had a bit of a drug party with her and he blew off some dinners and parties with family. That's when Colin Quinn and his sister came over and talked him into going to this place he went to.
Gary asked Artie what his reaction was when they asked him to go to rehab. Artie said he told them that he couldn't go to a rehab center because he knows what that's like. Artie said Colin suggested this other place and his sister kind of agreed with that but said that she had to go with him. Artie said that he had to pay for his sister to go with him so that cost him a lot of money.
Artie said that he went out kicking and screaming and he really didn't want to go. Gary asked how they got him to go. Artie said his sister started crying and said that she would never speak to him again if he didn't go. Artie said that he can't take it when she does that so he had to go. He said he had a good time down there playing football and whiffle ball with these kids at the center.
Artie said that his liver is getting better already and the enzymes went down closer to what they're supposed to be at. The guys talked about some other people who they knew who had liver problems from drinking and how they would go out and start drinking again. They were talking about Papa John.
Artie talked about that song that Papa John did on the show one time called ''Faraway Girl'' and how great a piece of writing that was. Artie said that he would buy a liver if he had to get his replaced. He's not sure if he would go back to drinking like those other guys did.
Gary asked Artie if he worries about getting into trouble with the law now that he's famous. Artie said he's not worried about that. He said that he would be upset about what it would mean in his life that was so bad. He said that the mug shot doesn't bother him at all.
Jon said that his sister sounds like the thing that really worries him. Artie said that his sister is great and he hates that she's not talking to him. He said that she's mad at him and not at the show or anything. Artie took all of the blame for coming back early. He said that Gary was fine with him not coming back until the 17th if he had to take that much time off.
Gary said that Artie does seem to be better after this detox thing that he went through. He said that he's still worried about the long term stuff. That led to the guys talking about the picture of Artie out on the street down in Florida walking around carrying a baseball bat. Gary said that Artie had a brand new shirt on in the picture so that was a surprise.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's praying for Artie because he really loves him. The guy said that Artie seems to be an athlete and it was almost like he was training for this shot at sobriety down there. Artie said that this guy is very perceptive because that is the kind of mentality he has. He was kind of looking at it like that down there. The caller told him to keep it up and he thinks that will help him out.
Another caller was talking about how he as addicted to Oxycontin and he appreciates what Artie does on the show and told him he hopes he can keep on pushing on. Jon cut the guy off accidentally so he told him to call back.
Another caller asked Artie if he was going through withdrawals when he attacked Teddy. Artie said that he was drug free around that time so he was just a maniac around that time. The guy also asked if he was high during his roast because he was sweating. Artie said that was just sweat and maybe some booze. He said that it was also all of those great comedians roasting him that night.
Jon said that Artie had some harsh words for Gary when he called in on Monday. Artie said he loves Gary and he can't be mad at him for more than 10 seconds. Artie said that he apologized to him that day for saying that stuff.
Ralph called in to ask Artie some questions but they ended up asking him about his comments about Howard and Oprah from during the news. Gary said that Howard isn't overweight and Ralph's comparison was crazy. Ralph said that Howard is overweight sometimes and he shouldn't be going off on Oprah for that. Gary said that Oprah is way overweight though and not just a few pounds.
Ralph asked Artie about his sister not talking to him and how he was proud of her for that. Ralph asked him why he didn't stay down at the detox center. Artie said that he had committed to the 3 weeks but they were also doing this Rolling Stone article and they had to get that done. He said that he didn't want to lose that because it's a big deal for him.
Ralph asked Artie what he's doing to try and stay sober. Artie said that he's doing fine and he will do something. He said he might get a trainer to help him lose weight and stuff. Artie said that he liked having someone to play sports with. Jon told Artie that Jason lives near him so maybe he could do something with him.
Ralph said that it sounds like Artie should be getting back to the Stern Show and not just come back to do the Rolling Stone thing. Artie said that Howard and Gary both told him to take all the time he wanted and that was the nicest thing ever. Ralph said that they want him to get better so he can be on the show, not so he can do this Rolling Stone stuff. Ralph said that they're a sell out now anyway and they're not what they once were. Artie told Vanessa that this was Ralph Cirella saying this stuff.
Artie said that he has a plan in motion that will motivate him into staying sober. He said that he will be motivated to stay off of drugs because he has the threat of going to rehab. Ralph said that he should just be pro active and go because that's what he needs.
Ralph said that Artie would feel great after a rehab. Artie said that he has been through rehab and it's not the same as this center he went to. He said that when you go to rehab you eat to mask the pain you're feeling. When he went to this wellness center he felt better because he was eating the right stuff.
The guys told Artie that he can do this. Artie said that he's going to walk to the ferry today and then he and Vanessa will go out to lunch and then get some work done after he turns down her advances. They had to go to break after that.
Jon and Gary talked about the list of chicks that Benicio had been with. They also talked about Artie bringing a lot of stuff out of him during that interview. Gary said that Benicio wasn't saying much and Artie did get him to get a little wilder during the interview.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they had an article about Artie in the paper the other day and they were talking about Artie being depressed and how it doesn't appear that this is going to have a good ending. He asked the guys if they think that Artie could end up being married with two kids and a great life. Gary said he doesn't see that happening but he can see him finding happiness somewhere.
Jon said that the whole Dana thing seemed the closest Artie has come to having the white picket fence life. Gary said that Artie talked about the idea of being a father when they were over in Iraq. Gary said that doesn't make your life easier though and he told Artie that. Artie still wants that and he knows what Artie sees in that whole father thing. He said the first 8 months of that the kid isn't going to do shit though and he won't be playing ball for years.
Jon took another call from a guy who wanted to ask Artie a question but he was gone. The guy said that he saw Artie signing bottles of Oxy at these book signings. He wondered if he was given any drugs. Teddy said that he knows that Artie doesn't get anything but food and other stuff from the fans. Teddy said that he was given a bottle of pills at a mall signing once but he just threw them in the garbage. Gary and Jon said that a club owner had given Artie heroin out on the road one time so that's how that all got started.
Another caller said that he thinks Artie is making all of this shit up and and he's really full of shit. The guy said that he thinks that Artie is just trying to sell books and he's making up the rehab thing. The caller said that he thinks that he's bullshitting and he was just on vacation to sell the book.
The caller also said that he thinks Howard is nuts too because he thinks everyone is nuts just for smoking a cigarette. The caller said that the heroin isn't even that bad. He said it's actually good for you.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Lisa and Artie are going anywhere. Gary said he thinks it would be great if they came in one day after they had fucked. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how busy they were going to be today. Howard said they have a couple of people stopping by today. He said that he had some e-mail to go through too. Howard said people are talking about Artie and Bubba the Love Sponge's show. Howard said that he listened to some of Bubba's show yesterday and he thought it was terrific. He said that the show is the terrestrial radio show replayed but it was great. He said he's not just saying that either.
Artie said he was listening to Bubba too and it was very funny. Howard read through some e-mail from some fans about that stuff. One guy said he would never think of canceling like some of these people are claiming. Howard said they have so much going on there to keep you entertained.
Howard read some more mail from some fans who said that they love Bubba's show the way it is. There are others who said that they wouldn't cancel because they love Howard's show so much and that's why they started subscribing.
Some callers told the Bubba fans to chill the fuck out about the Bubba thing. Howard said it's not the perfect situation there but the show is funny. Artie agreed and said they are very funny guys. Howard said that he likes it better when Bubba isn't talking about sex anyway.
Howard said some people are saying that SIRIUS handled the whole thing wrong with Bubba and never told the fans that they had signed him on to do the show the way he's doing it. Howard said that some people don't like the way they say they have uncensored shows there.
Howard said that Bubba only has so many hours in his day so doing two shows a day was too much for him. Howard said the guy is doing a funny show now and he's not killing himself. Artie said it was amazing that they were able to keep up the two shows as long as they did. Howard said Bubba wasn't having any time to spend with his wife and kid.
Howard said he had about a million e-mails about Artie and the Wrap Up Show. Howard said that it was all Artie yesterday. Robin said she knew that's what the Wrap Up Show was going to be about yesterday when Jon was running down his list of things they were going to cover.
Howard said that the whole Artie thing is no big deal to him but he's still going to do the random drug testing because he thinks Artie needs that. Howard said some people like to hear the Artie drug stories and stuff and some don't. Artie said he doesn't.
Howard read some of the mail they got and some people just want Artie to do whatever helps him get off the drugs. Others said that Artie has it made there and he should be fired for taking advantage of it. A few e-mails were like that so Howard read through those. Howard read some about the people who are happy he's back.
Howard said there were a lot of comments about Robin too. Howard said that Robin can be hard to argue with on the show. She gets on a war path and it's hard to argue. Artie pointed out that it's just like any woman.
Howard read some mail about Robin where people corrected her on some stuff she was saying about Libya during the news the other day. The fans were correcting Robin and Howard on that stuff.
Howard read some mail about Benicio Del Toro's visit yesterday. Howard said the fans seemed to like that except for Artie interrupting. Some people thought Artie was trying to audition for the guy. One person said he hates Artie. Artie asked if that was his sister. The fans were complaining about Artie interrupting the guy during that interview but Artie said that the guy wouldn't talk. Some of the fans didn't think that Artie was letting him talk but Artie said that the guy wasn't going to talk.
Howard said that giving someone a kidney isn't giving property in a marriage. Howard said that it's ''seller beware'' and it's a gift. He said that it will be thrown right out of court. Howard said it's going to make you seem like a total asshole when you ask for something like that.
Howard played some tape of Dominic at a press conference talking about this whole thing. Howard said the guy is asking for $1.5 million. In the clip Dominic is talking about the case and how this has never been done in the state of New York. Howard said that of course it hasn't. Dominic said they were asking for the return of the kidney but of course they wouldn't really expect that to happen.
Dominic called in so Howard told him that he's gone over the line with this case. Dominic said that he was walking on the treadmill this morning and asked if they had seen how thin he looked. Howard hadn't seen him so he just asked about the kidney case. Dominic said that when you get divorced you can have other rights for actions that are done by the other side. He explained that maybe a wife commits adultery and catches a disease. You can ask for a division of the assets that are in favor of the husband since he caught something from the wife. There are ways of dividing the assents that are based on conduct of the other person.
Dominic said that they can suppose that when she got the kidney, maybe she had the knowledge of someone else. If that was the case then she could have taken that under fraudulent circumstances. If that was the case than they could say that she could have been taking the kidney based on wanting to live her life with someone else.
Howard read some stories about the case and they're saying that they don't have a case there. Raul Felder was saying that this is making the client a laughing stock. Dominic said that they can say whatever they like but this man has a case. Other lawyers are saying that they don't have any merit with the case and it's ridiculous. Howard said that these are lawyers saying this stuff.
Dominic said that there are circumstances that the court is going to take into consideration. He said that the woman won't let the guy see his kids. Dominic said that this man is a good man.
Dominic said that this guy gave up a kidney and it's very dangerous doing that. He said that there are people out there who have died doing that. He said it's something to show the court that the guy was willing to give up a kidney.
Ralph called in and told Dominic that he's the reason people hate lawyers. Dominic goofed on Ralph but Ralph told him that he's crazy with all of this. Dominic said that he's not in a room watching TV all by himself. Ralph said that sounds like fun with him.
Ralph said that Dominic calls the show all the time and makes the show all about him when it has nothing to do with him. The two of them were goofing on each other about their calls to the show. Artie thought it was funny that Ralph was calling in and goofing on someone for calling the show and giving their opinion.
Ralph told Dominic that he's really the reason that people hate lawyers. After that he told the guys about the Batmobile that Ronnie gave him for Christmas in the Secret Santa thing. Ralph said that this car spins around on the base when you press it. Ralph said he takes other toys and spins them around on the base for this car. He said he puts his Darth Vader helmet on there and watches it spin around.
Dominic goofed on Ralph about that stuff. Then Dominic was saying that he might be thinner than Howard at this point. Howard told him to come down there in a bathing suit and they'll have a contest to see who looks better in their bathing suit. Dominic said he has too many scars from Vietnam to do that. Ralph asked him to wear what he was wearing when he was on his boat and made that Mayday call.
Howard and Ralph asked Dominic what he was doing on that boat naked. Dominic said that he wants to know why no one called to see how he was doing after that. Howard said that no one cares. Dominic said that he got into his underwear because he figured he'd have to jump into the water if the boat started to sink.
Artie asked Dominic if this guy saved his wife's life and she didn't know she was going to leave him, would it still be the same kind of case. Howard said that Dominic is just looking to embarrass this woman. The case has no merit and he won't be successful with the case. He said that his name will be out there though so that's what he cares about.
Dominic told Howard to pretend that he gives his wife a kidney. Artie said that will never happen. Howard said he's right. He said that he will never give up a kidney to anyone. Howard said they could do this for his argument though. Dominic said that Howard's life expectancy is affected if he does that. He said that he might not be able to work the rest of his life if he does it. Dominic suggested that maybe the wife would be asking for alimony in the divorce. Howard said that Dominic was kind of getting him in this whole thing. He was starting to convince him that he might be able to win this thing.
Dominic said that this is why he gets the big bucks. Fred asked about brokering your organs and if you can do that. Dominic said that you can't. He brought up the disease thing again and told Fred about that. Fred said that's comparing apples and oranges. Fred said that the guy knew the risks when he gave up his kidney.
Gary came in and said that the kidney is a gift. He said that maybe he should try to get back everything in his marriage like rings or anything else he gave as a gift. Dominic said that he'll end on this final point. He said that this woman has lost both kidneys and she's lost two transplants. He said that this husband had to do this for her and that was very nice of him to do. He said that this man's life has been affected long term and now she's treating him by going out and allegedly cheating on him so there is a case there.
Gary said that if he gave his kidney to a total stranger, could he sue them if they did him wrong. Dominic said no to that.
Howard said he was going to give Dominic an A+ on the call today. He said that was pretty impressive with that and the Ralph stuff. Artie said that it's obvious that Dominic is doing what he was born to do because he loves it so much. Howard did his impression of Dominic talking an goofed on him a little bit before moving on.
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Eric said that he's in trouble over those pictures now. Howard asked why he would take the pictures and expect them to stay on that one site. Eric said that it was just the people going on the Bunny Ranch message board. Howard said he can't think that they would stay on just one web site. Artie said that he's going to take that nude picture and erect a billboard across the street from his house.
Howard said that Eric is smiling in the picture and he doesn't look half bad. Artie said that it looks like Amy's first cabbage patch doll.
Eric said that his family isn't happy about this. Artie said that Eric is a man and he has to be able to live his own life. Eric said that his family doesn't mind him going out there to the ranch but now this has escalated it to where he's not able to go up there anymore. Artie told him that he's an adult and a celebrity and he should do whatever the fuck he wants. Letting a picture get out should be fine.
Eric said that his roommate doesn't want to go out there anymore either. Howard said that's because Eric won't let him get laid. Eric said that his roommate thinks that they broke the trust so that's why he doesn't want to go.
Howard said that Eric obviously wants to do this stuff and he's about a year away from doing porn. Howard said that he wouldn't even pose for a picture like that at the Bunny Ranch. Howard said that the pose Eric is doing makes him look like a little girl. Howard said that's what he should be embarrassed by. Artie told him that he looks like Alyssa Milano.
Eric said that the only thing that's going to get him back there is to have Johnny talk to his parents. That led to Artie sand Howard doing their Johnny impressions where he's calling Eric's parents. Eric suggested that they call Johnny to talk about it. Howard said that he's not going to spend the whole show on this.
Ralph called in and said that he saw the picture and it's great. He wants him to put it up on Howard's site. Eric said that's not going to happen. Eric said that they can put up any other pictures that they got from him but not that one.
Airforce Amy called in after that. She said that she was the one who posted the picture. She said that she was so proud of his man sized penis that she wanted to post a picture on the web site. She said that she didn't want to embarrass him too much so she didn't put up a shot of his penis. Amy said that she had never been with a little person before. Amy said that she would say that the sex was average for her based on what she'd had before.
Howard asked her about the position she was in when she sat on Eric's face. She said that she had to be careful with that.
Howard said that Eric looked so happy in that picture. Amy said that they have more comments on that forum where they posted the pictures. She said that it's getting them a lot of attention.
Amy said that she told them that she doesn't do handicapped people at first but then she wanted to make it right by doing him. She said that Eric was one of her first handicapped but not ''the first.'' Amy said that she had steered clear of Eric before based on him being handicapped but she wanted to make it right this time.
Amy said that Dennis Hof told her that she would get publicity from this if she did it. She said she did Eric out of guilt. Howard asked her if she went into the shower and wire brushed her body or if she cried that night. Amy said that she didn't do that. Howard asked if she would do him again. She said that she would teach him how to use his man sized penis. She said that he is handicapped so she would like to teach him to do some other things.
Howard asked her how long she did him. She said that it lasted a long time. Artie said that she liked that she was laughing hysterically every time she said that he was handicapped.
Howard asked Eric what he thinks about all of this because Amy was the one who posted the picture on the web. Eric said that it was fun that day and he enjoyed spending time with Amy. He said that he's talked to her a couple of times since. Amy said that they text and talk but she didn't mean to hurt his feelings. Eric said that his feelings weren't hurt. Amy asked if he still loves him. Eric said that she's one of his favorites. Amy said that he should be happy, it's free sex.
Howard asked Eric if Amy is his favorite. Eric said he wasn't going to answer that. Howard said it sounds like he can hold out a long time and asked how long that was. Eric said that it might have been 20 minutes. Amy said that's a long time in a brothel. Amy said that it's usually 2 minutes or so.
Howard asked Amy about blowing Eric with a condom on. She said that's what they have to do, it's the law. Artie asked her how long Dennis had to keep her in a head lock before she agreed to do Eric. She said it wasn't like that.
Howard said it sounds like Eric is forgiving Amy for posting that picture on the web. Artie said that he's a hypocrite. He said that he's just letting her off the hook because she fucks him. Howard asked if Amy's vagine is tight or is it worn out from all of the dudes. Eric said he wasn't going to answer that. Eric wanted Amy to answer that. Howard said he had to get off this call after that. He thanked Amy and Eric for the call and let them go. He had to go to break a short time later. They had Howie Mandel coming in next.
Howard said that he's always had Howie on the show over the years even when he was kind of down and out. Howard said that they're giving him great reviews for this new TV show of his. He said that he's the host of the moment these days. Howard said he thinks of Howie as a comedian but he's become a host guy now. Howie said that was against his better judgment but it's worked out for him.
Howard said that hosting is easy from what he can tell. Howard said he'd love to host a game show like Howie does. Howie said he didn't get the concept of the show, Deal or No Deal, at first and wondered how they were going to stretch it out. Howard said he was angry the first time he saw it. He said he was angry because he liked it. Howard said that he got angry at Howie because he was offered a game show and they wanted him to do a ton of work. Howard said Howie got the easy job and hardly has to do anything in that show.
Howard said that Howie has always had good material when he was starting out in comedy and he remembers him being on Merv Griffin's show and stuff like that. Howie said that he was on a young comedians special one time and it was him, Richard Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld and Harry Anderson. They all had big careers at some point.
Artie talked about the days when Howie was doing comedy out at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Howie said that they used to get a line around the block out there when they'd have comedians come out to do shows. It's just not the same these days. Howard asked why he thinks that is. Howie said that he thinks that these people are going on YouTube these days. He said he's not sure where he would go today if he was just starting out.
Howie said that the Young Comedians special was booked by George Carlin's wife. Howie said he never met George though. Howard asked how long he was doing comedy before he got on that Young Comedians show. Howie said it was about a year and a half. Howard asked if he ever graduated high school. Howie said he didn't and he doesn't even have a GED. Howard asked if he was a trouble maker in school. He said he was and he was asked to leave school
Howie said that he was halfway through 13th grade up in Canada. He said that he used to have a swimming class in the last class of the day and he refused to swim one day and threw an Oh Henry bar into the pool. Howie said that they made an announcement saying that they wanted to know who had defecated in the pool and they wouldn't get in trouble over it. Howie said he went down to the pool, dived in and came up with the bar in his mouth. That was the last day at that school for him.
Howie said that he once called a construction companies, a couple of them actually, and asked for a few people to bid on an addition to the school. He said that the principal saw it going on an Howie said that he had given his name to the company and they told the principal that it was him. He said that he gave them his name ''Howard Mandel'' and he was asked to go to the office. Howie said that he was called to the office and asked if he knew what those men were doing at the library. The guy told Howie that no one authorized an addition to the library. Howie said that he told the principal that he was being honest and getting bids instead of just taking the first deal. Howie said that this was fun for him back then and he was his own audience. He said that the principal was telling his parents what was going on and his mom was biting her lip like she was holding back her laughter.
Howie said that the kids thought he was insane. He said they didn't get him and he didn't have any friends. Howard said that might be the most brilliant practical joke ever and the kids just didn't get it. Howard asked if the construction guys got mad at him. He said he never got to meet them, they were asked to leave the field.
Howard asked Howie if he thinks that he would have been more successful if he had gotten a diploma. Howie said he's not sure what he would have done if he had finished school.
Howard gave Howie some plugs for his new TV show ''Howie Do It'' that's coming out on Friday night on NBC. Howie said that they have a bottle of Liquid Ass that they set up as a perfume stand. Howie said that he ended up pouring some of this in a guy's hands and they had his nose plugged. When the guy took the plug off he vomited. Howie said that's what they'll be showing on Friday night. He's not sure if they'll show the vomiting but that's what happened to the guy.
Howie said that people get excited when they're on these shows. He said that they don't even stay mad at them when they have liquid ass on them. Howard said that he would kill those guys on Punk'd if they ever did any of those things to him. Howie said that's where the entertainment value lies. Howie said that people have been hit during the shoots of these shows. Howie said that they do this bit where they have a ''Break In Makeover'' where they have a guy break into a house and take all of the TVs and stuff. Howie said that they tell this kid that he's just broken into the wrong house and then the cops show up. Howie said that one kid just ran and they weren't able to find him afterward.
Howard asked Howie if he would be pissed if he told him that Richard and Sal had rubbed their balls on his headphones before he came in. Howie said that he would be freaked out. He said that he was afraid to even come back into the studio today based on what has gone on in the past and some of the stuff he's heard on the show before. He said that one guy, Doug Goodstein, had talked about posing his kid in Howard's chair and when Howard asked him why he didn't pose her on the couch, he said it was because he wouldn't put his kid on that filthy couch.
Howard asked Howie about doing comedy and found out that he's still doing 200 dates a year. Howie said he loves doing those shows after all this time. He said that he doesn't mind doing it and has some fun with the audience when he's up there.
Howard said that Deal or No Deal is being syndicated and they have a night time show and a day time show. Howie said that he has no fear of them burning the show out. Howard said that he's now made a deal with NBC to do the new show ''Howie Do It'' that's on Friday nights on NBC. Howie said that's a business for him and his son. He said that they're doing that with their own production company.
Howard said that those shows must take a lot of time to film. Howie said that they do. Howard asked how he does that and the 200 dates a year. Howie said that it keeps him busy. He said that he and his wife have been together for 35 years now and the total time spent together is probably 3 and a half months.
Robin asked Howie how he convinces his kids to stay in school. Howie said that his daughter is a teacher in South Central. Howard said that they must give her a hard time. Howie said that he's so proud of her. He said that his son is pouring liquid ass on people.
Howard said that Howie must be making 5 or 10 million a year doing that Deal or No Deal show. Howie said that he's doing really well and it is a good deal. Howard said that he's getting different deals for the prime time show and the syndicated deal. He's also got the ''Howie Do It'' and the 200 comedy gigs. Howie said that he's doing the same thing Leno is doing and only spending the money he makes doing stand-up.
Howard asked if his daughter ever asks him why she's teaching in South Central while he's making all of this money. Howie said that she likes doing that and making it on her own.
Howard asked Howie about hosting the Emmy's with Ryan Seacrest. Howie said that was the darkest moment in his career. He said he didn't like doing that at all. Howie said that he's a nice guy and he got a call one morning where they told him that if he said okay to hosting the Emmy's that they would have the 5 hosts of the reality shows being voted on. They had Tom Bergeron, Jeff Probst, Heidi Klum and Ryan Seacrest. Howie said that his knee jerk reaction was to say no but then he figured that if they were going to do it, he didn't want to ruin it for the other four people. Howie said that he didn't want to shatter anyone else's dream.
Howard said that was a very nice thing of him to do. Howard said that's not the way he would look at it. Howie said that he really didn't want to do the hosting job. He said he agreed to do it and then they found out that everyone else said okay to it. Then they started releasing press about the show. Howie said that he thought he was going to get a budget and be able to get some writers and do a whole thing with that.
Howie said that he figured they'd have some kind of produced stuff to do but that's not what happened. Howie said that weeks went by and he found out they wanted to take pictures. He said that Heidi didn't show up for the photo shoot. Howie said that they put on rental tux's and sat on the number 60 for the 60th annual awards. Howie said that Ryan asked what they were going to do for the opening and they were told not to worry about it, they had something planned.
Howie said that he had some ideas for the opening of the show and threw some ideas around with his friends. Howie said that they started sending them sketches and they just weren't the kinds of things that he expected. Howie said that he started to panic and wanted to get out of the whole thing. He said that his agent told him he can't pull out. Howie said that he got some of the other guys on the phone and called the producers about it. Howard said the worst thing is that Howie gets blamed when something like that fails.
Howie said that they all got on the phone and threw around some comedy ideas. Howie said that it was Heidi's idea to rip off her dress in the show. Howie said that it was like his balls were being cut off. He said that the producers liked Heidi's ideas but not his ideas. He said his ideas were just dismissed.
Howie said that after all of that they heard that Oprah Winfrey was going to open the show. Howie said that it was so fucked that he told his agent to tell them that he was sick or something. He wasn't able to get out of the gig. He said that both Jeff and Ryan didn't want to do it either. Howie said that they were going to go with the bit where they ripped Heidi's suit off. Howie said that he wanted to just be honest and not read off the teleprompter or anything. Howie said that Oprah wasn't up there being funny or anything when she opened the show. He said that they didn't even share the stage with her.
Howie said that they went out and said they had nothing. He said that the producers were pissed off after that. The audience just sat there waiting for something to happen but they just left the stage while Heidi and Tom Bergeron stayed up there and did their thing.
Howie said that he's been killed over that appearance. He said that the critics hated it and thought that they weren't funny at all. Howie said that he, Jeff and Ryan still e-mail each other and ask if they have anything yet. They never do have anything.
Howard asked Howie if he gets paid to do a gig like that. Howie said that it actually cost him money to do it. Howard told Howie about the time he was going to do Saturday Night Live and had a meeting with Lorne Michaels. He said that he wanted to do some stuff with Jackie and Fred but Lorne didn't want him to do that. He also wanted to go out and talk about how awful the show was but Lorne didn't want to throw his staff under the bus and didn't let him do that. Howard said that he ended up just going out and doing a bit with his buddy Norm MacDonald instead.
Howard said that Howie has to think about himself and not worry about other people from now on. He said that he shouldn't think about what other people are doing and just worry about his own career. Howard asked if he went into a depression after the Emmy thing. Howie said that he does and he was kind of depressed this morning talking about it.
Howard said that Jeremy Piven came out and made fun of Howie on that Emmy show. Howie said that he didn't win the Emmy that night either. Jeff Probst ended up winning. Howie said that all five of them were brought out and they did an elimination round for that award. Howie said they weren't humiliated enough before that. Howard said it sounds like a nightmare. Howie said that it really was. Howie joked that he was there to announce that he was hosting the Emmy's next year.
Howard said that he could freak Howie out. He showed him a picture of Beetlejuice sitting on the couch naked. He said that he was sitting on a towel though so he shouldn't be too worried. Howard was talking to Howie about the germ phobia and his OCD. Howie said that he actually flew there on a commercial flight. Howard said that must really bother him. Howie was saying that he will only go to see a movie if he can sit in the back row of the theater so no one can cough on him.
Howard said that Howie seems to have this compulsion to go out on the road and do these 200 shows a year. Howie said that it's like his blankie when he's doing those shows. He said he's really comfortable doing that stuff. Artie said he feels the same way about comedy.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked where they find the people on the Deal or No Deal show because they're really retarded and obnoxious these days. Howie said that the people are really amped up and they go crazy up on stage. Howard said that these people always blow it and lose the money that they could have had. He said that if you get to 50,000 or something they should just take it. Howie said that there have been people crying back stage asking why they didn't listen to him and just take the money.
Howard said that you want to take these people and shake them when they risk losing $300,000. Howie said that they do have a real guy there doing the banker job. He said that he was reading a blog online where a woman said that she had a guy coming on to her saying he was the banker on the show and she didn't believe him. Howie said that he knows that the guy was actually at that bar that night and he probably did come on to that chick.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw a guy crying on the show one night when his girlfriend was playing the game. The guy said that he wanted to beat the shit out of the guy when he broke down crying. Howard wrapped up with Howie after that. Howard said he believed in Howie even when he wasn't doing well. Howie said that he remembers Howard asking weird questions from the back of the press room when they were doing press for St. Elsewhere. Howard said he used to be the Stuttering John before Stuttering John was. Howard said he had people threaten to beat him up for asking those questions.
Howie said that the questions would cause the whole room to come to a halt and any sense of decency would be sucked out of the room. Howard said that he eventually made Gary go out an ask those questions. Then he got freaked out by it and they had Stuttering John go out and do it instead.
Howard asked if this Friday is the Liquid ass episode. Howie said that it's not on this week but they have another great one where they have this woman who wanted to get back at her husband so they set up this thing where the woman shows the woman the kind of chemistry they're looking for in this fake mouthwash commercial and the fake director ends up getting naked and dry humps the wife. The husband almost killed them while that was going on. Howard wrapped up with Howie and had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Beth thought that it was an easy job to play the records over there. Howard said he stopped playing music because that was more stressful than talking. Howard said he went nuts working at WRNW because of the records and stuff. Howard said Booker told Beth that they don't have to pick the records or even play them anymore. It's all automated.
Howard said that it was much tougher back when he started. He said that he had to write down everything that he was doing and keep track of the songs he was playing and stuff. Howard said he was suffering from his OCD back then and he just wanted to talk instead of having to play records and touch them 50 times before he put them on. Robin remembered how messy the studio would be when he was doing that. Howard said he used to run over the records with his chair and break them.
Howard said it was such a joke when he was doing that stuff with vinyl records. Artie said that they were still teaching them how to cue up vinyl records in 1987 when everything was on CD. Howard said that's because the radio stations were still playing vinyl.
Artie and Howard talked about jobs that used to be available in areas out in the middle of nowhere. Howard said he was turned down for some of those jobs. He said he tired to get a job up in Alaska one time and they never got back to him.
Gary told Howard that he could hear Lisa outside of his office saying ''that's not annoying...'' after some of the stuff he was reading. Howard had her come in after that. Howard said that Lisa must not have liked that last name ''Glassberg.'' Lisa said that people weren't able to say her name right and everyone was getting it wrong. Howard said that's not true, he thinks that she just didn't want to be known as a Jew on the black station she was on. Lisa said that she wasn't ashamed of her name and that's not why she changed her name.
Robin said that maybe ''Lisa Jew'' is what they should call her. Howard said that's what they're going to call her from now on.
Howard asked Lisa if it was true that she cried on the air. She said that she did but she wasn't sure if she had the tape. She said that they were all let go from the station and she ended up sobbing. Lisa said that she'll see if she can find the tape of it. She said she has tape from when she was 17 that's really funny. She said that she was in high school at the time.
Howard read some of the stuff that they say about Lisa that makes her not annoying. There were some comments about her being too good looking to be on radio and a bunch of other things. They said that she's not annoying for playing the violin but Howard said he finds that annoying.
Lisa did her news preview and said that she spoke to Steve Grillo yesterday. He's unemployed right now. that led to Artie doing his Tracey Millman impression where she calls Grillo a douche and stuff like that. Howard got in on that and did his Grillo impression while Artie was doing the Tracey impression. They went back and forth doing that for a few minutes. They had Lisa laughing at them. Howard said he had to play that bit because it might be the best bit ever played.
Howard found the clip and played some of it. He had some of Tracey yelling at Grillo where she's calling him a ''piece of shit'' and things like that. Artie got a few laughs out of that. He and Howard broke into their impressions again for a few seconds before Howard played more of the audio.
Howard and Artie were getting a few laughs from that audio. They were enjoying hearing Tracey calling Grillo a ''douche'' over and over again. Howard and Artie would break into their impressions after playing short clips.
Howard asked if Artie accepted the tube easily. Enid said that everything worked out very well for him. Artie said that this woman is the sweetest woman of all time. Howard asked Enid if she ever thought she was going to be doing this for a living. Enid said she wanted to be a nurse or a teacher.
Howard asked Enid how she came to shoving wheat grass up Artie's ass. She said that it was the closest she ever came to being a nurse. She said she's got 6 kids and 13 grand kids. She also said that she wants to marry Artie. Artie said she does and she was even saying she wanted to move to New York to be with him.
Howard asked Enid about seeing Artie for the first time and if he was fully clothed when she would see him. She said he was always clothed. She said that she had to ask Artie to put on a robe so she could only see his butt. Howard asked her if she ever saw his balls. She said that she didn't see any of that but she also wasn't looking for it. Enid said that she has to put the tube in about 3 or 4 inches and Artie was able to take it in. Howard asked how long it took her to get it in there. She said it was probably 5 minutes.
Robin asked how many wheat grass treatments he had to take. She said that he had to take one every day for 5 days. Artie said that this woman is the sweetest woman ever and she was helping him out with his garlic and apples too.
Howard asked Enid if they have black people down at the wellness center. Enid said that they have people from all over the world coming there.
Howard asked how many tubes a day she has to give. Enid said she has up to 4 a day. She said that she's never thrown up from the stink of ass after Howard asked her about that. Howard said he loves her attitude. Artie said that he gave her a tip but he didn't want to her give any particulars on that.
Howard asked about the wheat grass treatments and how long that lasts. Howard said it must be in a douche bag or something. Enid said that it was actually an enema bag. Howard asked how long it takes to fill Artie's anus. She said that it's four ounces and it takes about a minute to get it all in there once she opens the tube. Enid said that he has to lay down and relax for about 5 minutes.
Howard asked Enid if she talks him through the whole thing. Enid said that she does that. She said that Artie was very receptive and she makes everyone feel comfortable. Artie said that she's great.
Howard said he thinks that it would be harder to keep water in his ass laying on his back. Enid said that it's not. She said that she lets him sit there as long as he feels comfortable and then they let him get up.
Howard told Enid about the food Artie was eating and Enid said that she expects him to come back and finish his treatments. Artie said that he will go back or send someone else down to take the remainder of his treatments. He said he did pay for it.
Enid revealed that she went shopping for Artie. Artie said that he needs a mother wherever he goes. He said that his sister dragged him down there and he only brought 2 shirts with him. Artie said that she went out shopping for him at Wal-Mart and got him socks, did his laundry, bought him some DVDs and stuff like that.
Howard asked Enid if her bowel movements are good. She said that she has one every day and they're all good. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later. Artie said that he was going to have her to his gig down there in Florida so he had to set her up with that information. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Perez Hilton was there so he had to get him in there. Howard said that Perez is a superstar now. Howard said that people are taking him really seriously now. Perez told Howard that it sounds like Artie has a magic ass after hearing that woman call in. Artie got a laugh out of that. Perez said that he had a colonic done just once. He said that they wanted him to come back after that but he said he just felt like he was shitting himself. Robin said she has them done once a week.
Howard said that Perez could put a picture of Robin up on his site and do his thing with that. Howard said that Robin gets her's done a lot and the people who help her out want to see her doody even more.
Howard said that Perez has written a book. He said that his parents probably thought he was a total loser and he would never be able to do something like that. Howard said that Perez has been there for the past week and he hasn't been able to leave his hotel room. Howard said that his wife is on that site every day.
Howard said that Perez had to ask Gary to put him on the web so he could update his site. Howard was saying that Beth told him that she wanted to be a better wife this year for her New Year's resolution. Howard said that Beth had her period last night but she still took care of the kid for him. He said that she used her hand and some lotion on him. Howard said that she had her period like 2 weeks ago and just had it again last night. Artie figured that meant that little Howie is on his way. Howard and Robin said that's not the way it works. Artie said he was just kidding.
Howard gave Perez a plug for his book ''Red Carpet Suicide: A Survival Guide on Keeping Up With the Hiltons'' and said that it's about these people who are famous just for being famous. They've done nothing in their lives to make them famous other than being known. Perez said that he just calls them ''Hiltons'' and it's not just about Paris Hilton and her family.
Perez mentioned that the people from ''The Hills'' are some of those people. Artie said that he's not even sure what that show is about. He didn't know if they were actors or if it was some kind of reality show.
Howard asked Perez about how it seems like people just want to be famous. Perez said that there are a lot of people out there who just want to be famous. Howard said he knows a guy out on Long Island who always says he doesn't know why he's famous and thinks that he should be.
Howard asked Perez if Adam Sandler has confronted him yet about what he did to his kid. Howard said that he made fun of Adam's kid. Perez said that he hasn't heard anything from him. Howard asked Perez about Tara Reid and what she's said to him. Perez said that she was mad at him for making fun of her body and her boobs. He said that she has confronted him and threatened to throw him in a pool.
Perez said that he doesn't post anything about John Travolta while he's going through this thing with his family. Howard went through some of Perez's web site, PerezHilton.com, and checked out some of the stuff that he's been posting lately.
Perez talked about some of the celebrities that he goofs on and talks about on his site. They spent some time on Lindsay Lohan and what she's been up to lately. Howard asked Perez if he thinks that Lindsay is crazy. Perez said that he thinks that she's actually very smart. Howard wondered how she's making money. Perez said that they make appearances and get paid to do them. Perez said that they can make good money doing that stuff. Howard wondered what he could make for doing appearances like that. Artie said he could pull in some good money.
Howard said that Kathie Lee Gifford has made a comeback. Perez said he was just on the Today Show and she seems to have a sense of humor. Howard said she didn't have one with him. Perez said that she was fine with him. He was also saying that he thinks that Kathie may have had a lot of work done on her face. He said that he was right up close and personal with her so he could see it. He said that he was staring her down during that appearance. Perez said that he still went on and wrote about how bad her face looked.
Perez said that he was supposed to be on this show with Chelsea Handler next week but he's not sure if she will after she reads his book. Perez said that he heard that she had an operation down below to reduce the size of her feminine parts. Howard asked if he's going to ask her about that. Perez said that he would love to do that. Artie said that she's dating Howard's old buddy Ted Harbert. Howard said that's no friend of his. He runs the E! network now. The guys were talking about how Ted appears to be giving his girlfriend jobs there at E! these days.
Howard said that Perez says that the big story is that Brad Pitt is saying that Jennifer Aniston is a liar. Perez said that Jennifer is out promoting the movie ''Marley and Me'' and Jennifer claims that Brad an Angelina were going out before they broke up. Brad is saying that she's a liar.
Howard said that he was reading that Chelsea Handler is 33 and Perez was saying that she looks to be 40. Perez said that there's no way she's only 33.
Howard gave Perez some plugs for his upcoming appearances and said that he was going to hook Perez up with High Pitch Mike. Gary said that Mike wasn't there yet. Howard told Perez that Mike doesn't give blow jobs or take it up the ass. Perez said that's lame. Howard said he thinks that Mike might do that stuff to Perez though. Howard asked Perez if he'll blow a guy. Perez said he loves sucking cock. He said he doesn't like taking it in the ass but he does like giving it.
Howard asked Perez if he was dating anyone. Perez said he was supposed to go out with a few guys but they all canceled on him with various excuses.
Howard gave Perez another plug for his book and asked him about how many visitors he's getting. Perez said that he's getting about 9.5 million people a day. Howard said he saw an ad on his site the other day and wondered what's up with that. Howard asked if he's making like a million a year on that site. Perez said he just started out doing it for fun but he can do it for a living now. Howard said it's amazing that anyone even found the site with so may sites out there these days.
Howard asked Perez if he would sell his site. Perez said he would if anyone offered him something. Artie said that Jon Hein sold his site for like 30 million or something. Perez said that he'd like to have a bunch of web sites and build his brand that way. He'd like to have a big staff working for him too.
Howard gave Perez another plug for the book and for his appearances that he's making at the Mall of America in Minneapolis. Perez said he hasn't been getting much sleep lately because of this book promotion he's doing.
Howard asked Perez if he's had any regrets on his web site. Perez said that he regrets saying that Fidel Castro was dead when he wasn't dead. He said he thought his source was very reliable though so that's why he posted it.
Howard said that he's regretted a few things that he's said on the air. Robin asked Perez if he thinks that Suri Cruise was created with the sperm of L. Ron Hubbard. Perez said that Suri kind of looks like John Travolta's daughter. He's not saying that they were but he did seem to find that odd. Howard and Perez talked about John Travolta kissing some guy on the mouth years ago and that led to Perez talking about how he got to kiss Jerry O'Connell for a bit they did for FunnyOrDie.com. He said that he had no problem kissing Jerry and he enjoyed that. Howard had to wrap up after that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard showed Robin some of the pictures and Robin was shocked at how beautiful she was. Howard said if he were single he'd hire her to come to his house. Howard had some shots of her in just panties and stuff. He had one of her ass too.
Robin said her trainer is hot too and he was willing to train Artie. Howard said that her trainer is a dude. Howard said he thinks that dudes would be better because you're not afraid to let it all hang out with a guy.
Howard said that Artie is on a list of people who might die in 2009. Howard read through that list and they have old guys like Andy Rooney on the list. They also have Amy Winehouse and people like that on the list. Artie is number 8 on the list, right ahead of Roger Ebert.
Howard had Mike Walker on the line to play his game so he got to him. Mike asked how the holiday was. Howard said it was great and he just chilled.
Mike said that working out with a chick is something he did. He said that he worked out harder because the chick was good looking and he didn't want to look bad in front of her. Howard said he wouldn't want to look retarded in front of a hot chick. Howard said he's worked out with a lot of trainers and the only one who was good was this guy Pat Minokia. Howard said that a lot of trainers put you through a workout that just messes you up. Howard said that Pat knows how to read the human body and knows when he can't work out too hard. Robin said she's almost come to blows with trainers who want her to work out too much.
Howard asked Robin if she took a colonic yesterday. Robin said he does them every Monday. Howard said he wants to see her on a Tuesday and see how she looks. Howard said her face is looking very young.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had Steve Langford come in after that. Steve said that they have breaking news about Teddy leaving his position with Artie. Artie was in the middle of eating so Howard had to interrupt that to find out what was going on there. Artie said he was eating cereal for breakfast. It was Corn Pops. Howard and Robin told him that's all sugar. Artie said he doesn't put any sugar on it. Then he read the ingredients which were Corn, sugar, corn syrup, molasses and other things. It was a lot of sugar.
Artie said that Teddy is leaving to go on to do other things and it's a friendly break up. Teddy came in and said that he's going to try some other things out so he can have his weekends free. Teddy said that he's not going to disappear or anything. Howard congratulated Teddy on his decision. Artie said that he's very emotional about this and he hugged Teddy yesterday.
Artie said that Teddy has a dream career and he's going to have to go out and train on weekends to do it. Teddy said that he got a great offer to pursue a flying career. Teddy said that he'll be able to train on the weekends for that. Howard told him that maybe they should have Artie throw some stuff at him for old times sake.
Teddy said that JD hates him right now because of this. Artie said that JD has become very comfortable with them and now he's worried about having to make friends with someone new. Artie said that he wants JD to keep doing his video taping thing. Howard asked who is going to be the new road manager. Artie said he's going to try out this kid Tim Sullivan who he calls Sully. Teddy said that he has experience with Live Nation so he knows what he's doing. Artie said that Sully's cousin is Bruce Springsteen's road manager.
Howard said that Gary got called into a listening room to hear the new Bruce Springsteen album. Gary said it was really embarrassing going in there to just listen to the album. Howard said he used to go to those things and he'd have to run out after a couple of songs. Gary said that he's gone to other listening parties where they set it up like a concert but they just have a speaker set up. Gary said that the album sounded great but he only heard a few songs.
Howard said he heard ''Pink Cadillac'' the other day and forgot how much he liked that. Artie said it's not even on an album. Artie asked him about the listening parties again. Howard said that he used to go to the listening parties and hated them all. He said that the record company guys would be playing air guitar and tried to sell that crap.
Howard asked Gary what Scott Greenstein was doing. Gary said he was just sitting at the head of the table just sitting there. Gary said Scott just listened to the song. There were some people who were bopping around and things like that. Artie asked why he wasn't invited. Howard said that he's better off just listening at home.
Howard asked if it was the glass conference room. Gary said that's where it was. Howard said he would have gone up there to stare at them. Howard said he was going to get a glass office but he wanted walls. Artie said that everyone comes out and says hello to him when he walks buy the offices with glass walls.
Gary said that they'll do interviews at tables out in the open there too. Gary said that he would walk over from K-Rock to this building and he'd see people being interviewed there for jobs when they still had jobs at K-Rock. Howard talked about how nice this place is that they work in. Gary said that they've written about that in the paper before and said that they may eventually move. Howard said he hopes they don't move in the next two years. Gary said that they might be stuck in the lease for a long time so they probably don't have to worry about that.
Artie asked Howard and Robin if they knew what Rolling Stones song they started playing before it officially debuted. Howard said that they not only played the song, but it was a fake version of the song that Fred created based on what he knew about the song. It was a remake of a song and Fred went in and recorded it with the band Pig Vomit. Howard said that they played the song and the record company thought that they had gotten a hold of the song. Howard said that they had to tell the record company that it was Fred. Howard wasn't sure what the song title was. Fred told him that it was the Harlem Shuffle.
Howard said that he'd love to play that song. He told Fred to try and find that. Gary said that he remembers that going on and how the record company threatened to sue them. Gary said that he told the record company guy that it was Fred and the record company guy told him that it was dead on. They played the song and the Stones version of the song before getting back to Steve.
Steve got back to his news preview and said that High Pitch Eric was back in court for some charge she was up for. He said that Eric was a mess in court and he's due back in March. Steve said that Howard has been calling Kenneth Keith Kallenbach's mother and talking about how he still thinks about her son. Howard said he does call her once in a while.
Steve said that Irish John is a father now. He and his fiancee have had a baby girl. They haven't named the daughter officially yet. Howard said he thinks that John will be a good dad.
Howard went to Jon Hein for his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran down his list of stuff that they were going to cover today.
Howard had Mutt on the phone to talk about what they had coming up on Superfan Roundtable tonight. Mutt said they'll be talking about Lisa G shitting at work and also about Steve Langford's news reports. They'll also talk about Artie's drug testing and stuff like that. They'll also be talking about Bubba's new show and what's going on with that. Howard said that he likes the way Bubba's show is and he wants people to just fuck off if they don't like it.
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Robin said that OJ Simpson is speaking from the jail. He's finding it to be okay in the jail he's staying in out in Nevada. Robin said he's lost 25 pounds and he's said that the meat they serve there looks like Jackalope. Howard wondered if he knows there is no such thing as a Jackalope.
Irish John called in and said that he was trying to name his daughter Sirius or something like that. He said they're thinking of either Nina or Olivia. Howard said that he should throw in Howard in there somehow. He said that maybe Olivia Howard or something like that. Howard said that the superfans out there should be doing that. Artie said he thinks he knows people who have done things like that. Howard congratulated John on the baby and let him go.
Robin read a story about the surgeon who did work on Kanye West's mother and said that he's going to be spending some time in jail for driving drunk. Howard said there was a great report on 60 Minutes this week about a woman who was trying to get the drunk driving laws turned more serious. Now he read about this guy who was drunk and hit a woman who was walking drunk and the guy is only getting sixteen days in jail. Howard said that he thinks that driving drunk is like walking around with a loaded gun. He said that a lot of people have driven drunk and they seem to have sympathy for these people who drive drunk. Howard said that drunk driving is an epidemic. Howard said the D.A. that he saw on 60 Minutes was hot.
Robin said that a man yelled out that he had a bomb on a flight and got chased down the galley of the plane. Robin said that she had a story about consumer electronics and how the sales may be down graded this year based on the way the economy is. She read about some new products that were being introduced at the Consumer Electronics Show this week. She read about one thing that allows you to charge cell phones and other things on a mat without plugging them in. Howard said he liked that idea.
Robin said that Britney Spears is now under control by her father. He's taken control over her financial stuff this week. While they were talking about that story Artie mentioned that he's at the age that his father fell and broke his neck. He said that he's also the same age of Elvis when he died. Howard said that he feels that Artie is on some kind of death trip right now. Artie said that he's really not and he's come to appreciate his life. He said that he's happy about what's going on in his life and he's feeling good. He said that he has reassessed stuff lately. Robin said that Artie looked good back when he came back from Afghanistan and look at what happened after that.
Robin read a story about how it would have been Elvis' birthday today. Howard said that his friend Lou's birthday is today too. Artie said it's his sister's birthday as well. Robin said that Elvis would have been 74 today. Artie said he remembered him dying and thought that he had a nice long life at 42.
Howard asked JD where the clip was that he had asked for earlier. JD said that he did pull it and didn't have a chance to come in to tell him it was up. Howard told him to barge in there and let him know what he has on those pages.
JD came in and said that he thought he had other more important things going on. Howard said that he heard that JD is upset about the zit he has on his nose. JD said that he is. Howard said that it looks infected or something and it's right on his nose. Howard asked JD when that thing started growing. JD said it was on Sunday or Monday. JD said that he hasn't been able to do much of anything with it because he has a cold. Artie said that JD might not even wash because he doesn't do laundry.
Artie said that a week from today they're going to Florida and he'd better clean up and go to a tanning salon or something. JD said that he has a few months to get rid of that thing. JD also said that he hates this place sometimes. Howard told him he should steam things like that instead of just going right in and trying to pop it. He said that he probably squeezed it prematurely. Howard said that it's great when you pop a zit and it pops beautifully.
Howard said this one is going to take weeks to go away. Howard told him to hold still so Howard TV could get a close up of it. JD left a short time later before they could get a shot of it.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the case that Dominic Barbara called in about earlier in the morning. She had some audio from the press conference that they held.
Robin had some news about John Travolta and his son's death. They're holding some ceremony at Travolta's house down in Florida where he has a home he can fly into. That led to the guys talking about what's going on with the press attacking the family about their beliefs in Scientology. Howard said that they could wait to go off on them about that. The family is still grieving.
Artie ended up talking about how his family had his father cremated. He said that they ended up burying the ashes in a plot next to his uncle Frank. Howard said his father just handed him an envelope the other day that had the place where they wanted to be buried. Howard said he doesn't talk about stuff like that with his family. Robin said that she was told she needs to have that discussion with her mother.
Artie said that his father wanted to be cremated because he used to be proud of his body until he was paralyzed. Howard said that it freaks him out when he thinks about the body being burned like that. Artie said that his mother kind of broke down when they told her about what they were going to do. Artie said that she felt like she was just getting rid of him in some way.
Artie said that they call the remains ''cremains.'' Artie said the guy at the funeral home told them about what they were going to do and that was kind of creepy because the guy could have played Dracula. Artie said he put in his baseball glove that his father got him when he was young and his sister put in a Teddy bear that she got when she was like 3.
Robin got back to her news and read some stuff about Bernie Madoff and how he's out of jail but confined to his $7 million penthouse.
Robin said that a Panda bear at a Beijing zoo attacked a man. Robin said that the bear once bit a drunk person who jumped into the pen. Fred threw in a biting sound for that story. Howard said he had never heard that one before.
Robin read some more news about Israel's attack on Gaza. Fred threw in the Ringo Starr ''Peace and love, peace and love'' clip during that. Robin had some audio of some people yelling at the Jews and saying that they need a big oven to take care of them.
Robin said that the President held a luncheon for Barack Obama and all of the other living presidents who were around. Howard said that he saw the other guys and he hopes that Barack ends up more like Clinton than Jimmy Carter. Artie said he thinks that he'll be good. Howard jokingly said he heard that the old Bush thought that Barack was the bus boy and threw him out for a few minutes. Howard said he can't believe how long they take to get the new President into office. He just wants them to get it done already.
Robin read a story about a woman who jumped off the 39th floor of the Empire State Building to her death. She ended up landing on the 25th floor. Howard said that he hates people that jump off of buildings because they could kill him on the street. Artie said that he's heard that there are a lot more people who kill themselves from the Brooklyn Bridge and they end up getting wedged into the dirt at the bottom of the river. He said that's what kills the people, not the jump but drowning when you get stuck.
Robin read a story about a guy who had an operation for OCD back in 2001 and ended up dying recently from something unrelated. Howard joked that he probably touched a dirty door knob after getting rid of the OCD thing.
Robin read a story about Disney World closing down Space Mountain to refurbish it. Howard said he went on that ride but had his eyes closed the whole time.
Robin read some news about Roland Burris trying to get into his senate seat. She had some news about the People's Choice awards show that was on last night. Artie said he saw that and all of the celebrities that go out and low five all of the kids in the audience. Artie said that it would be cool if Howard went on because there's no way he'd touch anyone and he'd tell people that. Howard said he'd like to tell people to just get out of his face. Robin went through some of the winners.
Ralph called in and said that Artie was right about that low fiving thing and said that it was so stupid. He said he turned it off as soon as he saw that crap.
Robin had some audio clips from the People's Choice Awards that she had Howard playing. they went through and commented on all of those. Howard said that Reese Witherspoon wasn't funny. He told another person to lose some weight. Artie said that Kid Rock won for that song that he hates. They had Kate Hudson talking about her win. They also had Carrie Underwood singing but only played about two seconds of that. The guys said that she is hot though.
Robin had Candace Bergan talking about something but Howard said that can't be her, that was a man speaking. Robin read some news about Howie Mandel's new TV show and had him talking about what they do on that show. They wrapped up the news and the show around 10:45am.
Gary asked why Howie is doing 200 shows a year if he's got all of that other stuff going on. Jon said that he might have that same mentality that Artie has. Gary said that maybe he does it because he thinks that there will be a day that comes when no one will pay to come and see you.
Jon said that Howie told a great story about the Emmy's and he was extremely candid about it. He said it also sounded like he was happy to get it off his chest. Gary said that there are very few places that he can tell that story too. He said that Howard was listening and he was a sympathetic listener. Gary said it was a great story too and well worth hearing.
Jon had Teddy play some of the interview where Howard and Howie talked about the Emmy awards. After the clip Jon said that you're not going to get much more honest than that. Gary said that Howie was sold down the river and he was right about what he was saying in that segment.
Jon said that Howie ended up as the joke of the night because of what had happened that night. Howie had to put up with that and then didn't go home with the Emmy that night. It was just a horrible night for the guy according to Gary.
Jon and Gary talked about Howie and his OCD. Gary said he's very sensitive with that whole hand shaking thing and he just does an elbow bump with him. He said he does the same with Donald Trump and Howard. He said that Howie won't even sit down in the green room. He just paces. Gary said that he went to the green room at K-Rock one time and John the Stutterer was doing an act on some porn star and he figured they just had to get them out of there.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they can keep Ralph off the air. Gary said that Howard likes Ralph and likes to hear what he has to say. They won't be getting rid of him.
The caller also asked if they ever found out what the girl sold her virginity for. Gary said he's not sure that she ever went through with that but Will might know.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard has been telling people to cancel so that's what he did this morning. He said that he ended up getting 2 free months for doing that. The caller said that Howard doesn't care about the listeners and the other fans have to wake up and just go ahead and cancel. Gary said that this guy is claiming that Howard didn't take any subscriber calls this morning but every caller is a subscriber so he's not making sense. The caller said he's been trying to call in with some constructive criticism and Howard isn't taking his call.
Gary asked the caller why he called in. The guy said that he called in to talk about how bad Howie Mandel was as a guest. Gary asked him to give him some guests that he'd like to hear on the show. The guy mentioned some guy in Iron Maiden that he wanted to hear on the show. Gary said that he's never been offered anyone from the band so they can't just have guests on that don't want to be on. Gary said that they take what they can get when people are out promoting stuff. The caller said that he knows all of that but this is just icing on the cake of what's happening. The guy said that no one likes Eric the Midget and Howard takes calls from him every single week. Gary said that not everyone hates him. He said that the fans might be mixed on Eric.
Gary said that Iron Maiden is an 80s band. The caller said that they're not an 80s band, he just saw them a couple of months ago. Gary said that they're not at the same level that they were at in the 80s. The caller said that they may not be doing the same in this country as they were but they're packing arenas in other countries.
Richard Christy came in and said that Iron Maiden is as big now as they were in the 80s. He said that they just did a sold out arena tour here in the United States. They also had a hit album not that long ago. Gary said that he wouldn't book them on the show because 60-70 percent of the audience couldn't name one of their songs.
Brent Hatley from Bubba's show called in and wished everyone a Happy New Year. Brent said that he's a huge Maiden fan but he has to agree with Gary about turning them down as guests. He said that they interviewed Bruce Dickinson back in 1994 and the interview wasn't that interesting. Gary agreed with him on that and said that most people aren't going to be clamoring to hear an interview with the guy.
Brent said he saw them back in the 80s and it was a big deal but this last tour wasn't a big deal. Richard said that they sold out Madison Square Garden. Brent said that was just in New York and the rest of the country isn't the same.
The caller, Lee, said that Howie Mandel isn't a good guest and he's just a comedian that blew up stuff on his head and was on St. Elsewhere. Gary said that he's on a hit show called ''Deal or No Deal.''
Richard was saying that he wants Howard to have Rush on the show but that won't happen. Brent said that they're a bunch of assholes too.
Lee said that Richard is more entertaining than Howie Mandel for an hour. Jon wanted to let Lee go because this was turning into a bitch session. Jon said that some people are going to like Howie and some aren't. Gary appreciated that Lee didn't call him names.
Jose from Liquid Metal on SIRIUS XM said that they haven't had Iron Maiden in there for years because they give them a hard time about coming there. He said that they demand to have reports on the number of spins they do and things like that. He did appreciate that Lee brought up the whole Iron Maiden thing though.
Jon got back to Brent and asked him what was going on with him. Brent talked about some of the guests they're having on the show soon. They also talked, and argued about sports for a few minutes.
Jon gave Brent a plug for their live show that they're doing tomorrow morning on Howard 101 at 10am. Brent said that they have a lot going on tomorrow on the show. They talked about the bear that they have come on Bubba's show and how they have it licking honey off of intern's heads and stuff. The guys talked about how nuts that sounded to them.
Brent said that they'll take all of the complaints on the show tomorrow. They're ready for all of that. Gary said that he will be appearing on Bubba's show tomorrow as well. Gary said that Tim Sabean was hearing about that stuff and looked shocked that they had a bear in the studio. Tim said he saw some pictures of the bear wearing a BTLS.com t-shirt and he wondered how they make that happen.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he was amazed that they got sucked into an Iron Maiden vortex. Jon said that it was amazing. The caller was also talking about how retarded this country looks when people on ''Deal or No Deal'' turn down huge amounts of money to try and win even more.
Ralph was on the phone so he said that he was up early this morning but he ended up falling asleep. He said he wanted to call in during the Howie Mandel thing to talk about how the Deal or No Deal show is impossible to watch. Howard said he hasn't seen it lately but only because he doesn't have time to watch it. He said he gets what Ralph is saying though and they do get carried away with that kind of stuff.
Ralph said that the girls now peek into the cases to see what amount they have in them. He said it's really annoying. Jon said that they simplified the whole game but he thinks that Howie is great on it. Howard said Howie is a great guest and he'd have him on any time.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard can make any guest good. He said that he even took Christopher Cross a good guest. Howard didn't even remember having him on. He asked Gary if he was insane having him on the show.
The caller was telling Howard that he has two jobs and has them to pay for his Howard TV and 3 subscriptions to SIRIUS. The guy said that he was ready to cancel some of the subscriptions. Howard said that if he has to do that then he should do it. Howard said that the fans didn't make him who he is today, he made it himself. Howard said that he does love the fans but he's not going to beg the fans to keep their subscriptions.
Howard told the guy to go fuck himself at one point so the caller started in on Howard calling him names. Howard said he was just joking around about this stuff and the guy was being a douche bag. Howard said that this guy wasn't being nice and he had an angry tone and he was yelling at the top of his lungs. Howard said he doesn't hear himself and he's just attacking him. Howard had said that the guy will never have $500 million and the guy snapped.
Howard said that his fans came over and joined him there and he's very thankful for that. Howard said he thinks the service is great and there is no reason for him to tell people to keep subscribing because it's really not going to make a difference.
The caller said that he's given Howard credit for what he's done and he doesn't think that he'd be able to get up out of bed if he was making the kind of money Howard was making.
Howard said that he loves being there and they've been there for 3 years already. He said that they've merged with XM now and they have 20 million subscribers now. They started out with 600,000 when he signed on with them.
The caller was said that he just wants to hear Howard said that he doesn't want people to cancel. Howard said that he's not going to do that.
Ralph said that the caller was dopey because if the product wasn't good the fans wouldn't be loyal. Ralph said that Bubba is going to have a big grizzly bear on the show tomorrow. Howard said that Bubba is insane because grizzly bears will eat humans. Howard said that Bubba is great and you can't go wrong with that kind of entertainment.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that some of these people who are going off on him don't know that Howard has always been true to himself. He said that Howard is an inspiration and he's turned this into a 20 million listener empire.
Howard said that they have a good time every day and it's like a little club there. He said that they have a lot of fun now and it's the greatest thing to have ever happened to his show. Howard said that they have listeners getting on the air and getting their own shows. Tim is working on a new show and it's going to be huge if it works out.
A caller asked Howard if he gets bummed out by the stuff that the fans say about him. Howard said that he does get bummed out and that's why he stopped reading the SternFanNetwork stuff. He said that there aren't really any fans over at the ''Stern Fan'' network. Howard said that he has to just do what he thinks is good because he can still keep the fans listening to him. Gary said that Howard still wonders if an interview was good when they were great. Howard said he listens to the interviews on replay and he gets glued to them so he knows they're good if he gets glued to the radio.
Gary said he was listening to the replay of the Maureen McCormick interview and it was really good. He said he didn't even remember it being that good but it turned out to be really great. Howard said that he sometimes likes to get guests who aren't A-list anymore and does an interesting interview with them. Howard said that he tries to do a good interview every time. Sometimes it doesn't work out.
Ralph said that the relationship expert who was on the other day is one of those people who he was bored with. Howard said he thought she was great and she was being very honest.
Jon asked Howard about some of the callers who call in and pointed out that there's usually negative comments that come out instead of the positive stuff. Howard asked Jon who he was. Then Tim was talking and Howard asked him who he was.
Jon asked Tim to promote the Bubba show. Tim said that the Friday shows are exclusive to SIRIUS and they're live. Howard said he likes the way the show sounds even on terrestrial. Howard said he didn't think that he would have agreed to do it if he didn't think there was something valuable there.
Jon said that he wanted to talk about Dominic Barbara's call today. He asked Howard if he ever goes out on a high by getting in a good joke. Howard said that Dominic is in love with him and he used to fix card games so he would win. Gary said that Dominic was blurting out a lot of weird stuff on the air lately.
Scott Greenstein stopped in and wished Howard a happy 3rd anniversary. Howard said that Scott met him in his apartment and he signed on because of this man. Howard said that he's not looking for any gifts from them for this anniversary.
Jon asked Howard who is more in love with him, Dominic or Sal. Gary said it might be Dominic. Howard said it might be Sal. Sal has been laying low lately though. Ralph said that Sal's love is creepier. The guys said that Sal has calmed down a lot lately. Howard said he thinks that Sal may have finally started to see him as a person instead of a god.
Jon asked Howard about Lisa G. Howard said he thinks she's just doing her job. He said that she's not in love with him. Gary disagreed with him on that. He said that she has stars in her eyes when she's watching Howard on the screen. Howard said that might be because he's perceived as the boss there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's glad to have Howard on satellite radio. The guy said that Howard has to tell all of these people to just go somewhere else if they don't like listening to this show. Howard said that he's surprised that they didn't write about what he's done with his show over there by bringing so many fans over. He said that they put it on the line and risked it to do satellite radio and it was successful.
Gary said that the fans will call in and say that Howard sold out. Howard said he's never heard that. Ralph said he's never heard it either. Howard said that he did come there for a bunch of reasons and some of it may have been the money. He said that everything was right with them when they signed him on. He said the whole package as just a good deal.
Howard said that the show just wasn't the same over at K-Rock. Will was saying that they were really getting tired of what was going on there. They were literally tired working there. Gary said that Howard used to look at the commercial load over there and ask how he was supposed to do a show with so many commercials. Howard said that he just hates terrestrial radio, it just sucks.
Gary said that everything is different now and they don't start the show in a hole like they used to at the old place. Howard said that they do have some commercials but you don't drive for 20 minutes and hear no show. He said at the old place they would run 20 minutes or more of commercials in one segment.
Howard told Teddy he made a good decision by getting out of the whole Artie thing. He said that if he could handle that job with Artie then he should be able to handle the whole flying thing. He said that he's worried about Artie after reading his book. He said that he was great on the show today doing the whole Tracey thing. Howard said he hopes that Artie recognizes how great his life could be and to stay off the drugs.
The guys all talked about Artie and his problems. Howard said that Artie's father was very irresponsible with his son and gave him such a wacky upbringing. He asked the guys if they would ever shove their 3 year old into a room where they thought Frankie Valli was. Howard said that sounds nuts to him. They also talked about the story that Artie tells about his father throwing him out on the field of Yankee Stadium and tells him that because he's a kid the cops won't beat him.
Howard said that he's got issues and there's something making him so angry that he needs heroin to help him forget the pain. He said he hopes he gets the help he needs. Jon had to go to break after that so they thanked Howard for stopping by.
JD said that Howard just walked past his office earlier and said a ''hey now'' to him and that was it. He said that Howard was saying that he had a talk with him after the show but that's all it consisted of.
The guys asked JD about Howard saying that he thought about inviting him out to his house. JD said that it might be kind of cool to go but it might also be a hassle. Benjy said that it would be very validating for him to get an invite out there but it would be a lot of pressure for him.
Gary said that Howard sees JD as a person who works hard there but may not get paid that much. He's very protective of him. JD said that he's not like Sal and fantasizing about going to his house and watching Survivor with Howard like Sal has talked about.
Jon went to the phones again and took some more calls. The caller said that he thinks that Howard hijacked the show today and they really don't need him there. Jon said that Howard just stopped by and they didn't know he was going to do that.
The caller asked if they could put a picture of JD's zit up on the web site today. JD said that he's been staring at this thing for a week now and he really doesn't want it up there. JD said that he almost avoided having it talked about until the end of today's show.
The guys talked about how other guys have had zits on their faces on the show before. Jackie and Artie have both had big ones.
Another caller said that he thinks that Sal loves Howard more than Dominic does. He said he thinks that Sal was really torn up about not being invited to the wedding. Gary said that in the past he would have agreed with him but these days Sal has been acting much more normal around Howard. Will said he thinks that Sal is over it now and Howard is just another co-worker. Gary said that he still thinks that Dominic is the one who loves Howard more.
Jon took one last call from a guy who said that he's been listening to the show up in Canada since they were up there. He said that the show has never been better than it is now. He said that the History of Howard stern proves that. He said that he's a huge fan and loves the show the way it is. Benjy said that guy obviously never posts on the SternFanNetwork. Gary said that they can't keep doing the same shows all the time so it is going to evolve. Jon said that it does change all the time and some people are going to like it and some aren't. They had to end the show a short time later.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 1:35pm.