|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started off the show doing his Ryan Seacrest voice and talking about how great it was to be there on a Monday morning. He was goofing on the guy for a short time.
Howard said he had the first bottle of wine that Robin gave him. He said it was really good and she does know her stuff. He said they weren't cheap either. Robin said that she's still going to pay for that wine they had at the restaurant. Howard joked that he washed his dishes with the wine that Gary gave him.
Howard asked Robin how her weekend was. She said it was good and she's down another 10 pounds. Howard said that he had a woman write in telling him that she was getting anorexic. Howard said that anyone who loses weight gets accused of being anorexic. Robin said she has people telling her not to get too thin and that she doesn't have to lose more weight.
Robin and Howard did impressions of Tracy Morgan doing a ''gurgle'' sound that they heard in a prank call they played last week. Howard pulled that one out again and played it.
Artie said that the woman in that call really loves her work. Nothing was throwing her with the comments that Tracy was making to her. She was a phone sex chick who was playing along with anything that the guys threw at her with the Tracy Morgan audio clips.
Howard said he saw ''Gran Torino'' too and that was really good. Robin said that really was an amazing movie. Howard said he thought that there are a bunch of movies that have come out lately that are really good. He mentioned a few and Robin told him that ''Notorious'' is really good too. Howard said he's boycotting that one because he thinks that Artie should have played the part. Artie said he didn't even get an audition.
Howard said he loves how that ''Paul Blart: Mall Cop'' movie is out and beating all of these other great movies that are out. They talked about that and about the ''Underworld'' movie as well. Howard said he liked the first ''Underworld'' movie and told Gary to check that one out. Gary said he didn't even know there was a first one.
Gary said he saw ''Frost Nixon'' over the weekend. Howard said he still has to see that. He complained that he doesn't get screeners from the SAG people. He said that he'd promote these movies if he saw them.
Howard said that some of these movies are really good and they were right for giving Sean Penn an award for ''Milk.'' Howard said that was a great one and so was ''The Wrestler'' with Mickey Rourke. Howard said that
Howard said that they gave Kate Winslet an award last night too. They also gave Meryl Streep an award and he thinks that they were right on with those choices. Howard said that Meryl is really good and you forget that it's even her in those movies she does.
Howard said that Tina Fey was getting a ton of awards too. Robin said she must be the funniest woman out there but she must be missing something there. She doesn't get why she gets so many awards.
Howard had some audio from the SAG Awards and asked Robin if he should play some of them. She told Howard not to bother with some of them. He did play some of Jane Krakowski's acceptance speech for a ''30 Rock'' award. Gary said that Tracy Morgan was standing right there and all he could think was that he would have been so much funnier giving the speech. He said that Jane did have spectacular tits though.
Howard had a clip of Kate Winslet accepting her award. He let that play for about 3 seconds before cutting that off.
Howard read some of the other winners and wondered if he should play the clips. Howard played one with Sally Field making her speech. Howard let that one play through. Gary asked how old they think she is. Howard said that she has to be over 60. Artie said that she was hot back in the 70s. Howard found out she's 62 years old.
Howard said he read that some rich guy was getting married again. Howard talked about what he would do if he were a hot chick. Howard said that he would work his hardest to get some rich guy. Howard said if he comes back as a hot chick that's what he's going to do to work his way up the ladder.
Howard said there's nothing like beating off and saying the N-word. He wondered if there was a rise in the use of the word since Obama got into office. The guy said that he hasn't seen a rise in it.
Howard asked how much money he can make with something like that. The caller said that family members are making enough that the probably could stop working but they don't because they don't want to explain to the family why they don't work. The guy said that there are ways of screwing people with those numbers by giving them free minutes but not telling them that the minutes come at the end of the call and things like that.
The caller said that the big money comes from his black girls. He said he gets a lot of calls from white guys who want to have phone sex with black women. They charge up to $4.99 a minute. Some of the calls are only $1.99 a minute. He said that he biggest overhead is paying the girls to do their thing.
Howard asked the guy a bunch of questions about the business. The guy said he didn't get in on it at the ground level because it's a family owned business. The guy said he clears maybe $1,500 to $2,000 and he's not even the owner of the business.
The guy said that they have seen a drop off of business since the economy has taken a dive. He said they're still doing okay though. Howard asked Sal if he's into this kind of stuff. Sal came in and told Howard that the Tracy Morgan prank call cost them about $65. That was on Tim's AmEx card. Howard said that Tim made the mistake of giving them his card so they could make those prank calls.
Howard said he might have to start one of these phone sex lines. Howard asked the guy if he has to do any work now or just collect the money. The guy said he has to do some interviews once in a while but that's about it. He said he has a full time job that he works too. The guy said that they don't give the women benefits or anything because it's a part time job.
The caller said that his uncle has an office where the girls work out of. He said that some of the women are heinous looking but there are also some college girls who work the phones. The guy said that they even have their secretary working the phones sometimes. Howard asked if they ever catch the girls rubbing themselves. The guy said the girls are freaked out the first couple of days they do it but then they get comfortable and just get numbed by it.
Howard said that he's heard that a lot of the women are actually guys. The guy said that they do have a couple of guys working there. Howard and Sal did their phone sex discussion with Howard as the woman and Sal as the guy. Sal said he was about to throw up. The caller said he thought they were at work.
Howard goofed around with Sal for a couple of minutes and did his Tracy Morgan impression. Sal said that this is a good racket to be in. Artie then got into the phone sex impression and did an impression of a woman wanting to have phone sex with Sal.
Sal said that when they call these phone sex places they'll get a younger chick on the phone and he'll ask for an old lady. Then the woman will pretend to transfer him to another woman and change her voice to an old woman voice.
The caller said that they have this feature where people can listen in on other people's phone calls. He said that the guys don't know that they're being heard. The guys figured that couldn't be legal but the guy on the phone didn't seem to think it was an issue. He said that the girls know that they're being heard but the callers don't.
Howard was going to wrap up with the caller but the guy was saying that he loves the show and he listens to Howard 100 all day long. He also told Artie to try and stay off the drugs. He said they need him out there.
Howard said she was on ''Mike and Juliet'' on Thursday and Friday last week. Howard said they asked Beth to fill in for Juliet while she was off getting married and she had fun doing that. Howard said that there are a couple of shows that Beth is doing and she's enjoying that.
Howard said Beth was on the Tyra Banks show doing some stuff and she's involved in that and a couple of other shows. She has done some stuff for NBC's morning shows too. Howard said those shows look like the easiest gigs in the world but they keep you in production meetings and stuff like that all day long.
Howard said he thinks that he could have helped that ''Mike and Juliet'' show so it wouldn't have been canceled. They're supposed to be on the air for another couple of months and then they're done.
The caller said that he's going to see Artie in Easton, Pennsylvania soon and said that they were supposed to take his information so he could go to see Artie but they never got his information. Howard said that he would put him on hold again and told the guys in the back to get his information. Howard told the guys to make sure they get the guy's information this time. Gary said that they were picking up on him now. Howard was upset that they failed to follow up on this guy. He said that happens all the time back there. Gary was upset that he was saying that because it's not always their fault.
Howard said that he was handed a note that said that Hate Man was the guy who used the most N-words in a phone sex call. That led to him playing the prank call the guys made using Hate Man audio clips when they called a phone sex line. They had Hate Man using the N-word over and over again as he was talking to this woman.
Howard asked Robin if she would be able to handle a call like that when he puts her on the phone sex lines. Robin said that she thinks that she could handle him.
Howard said Gary asked him if he would ever cry if he retired and had to do a press conference. Howard said that he wouldn't cry like that. Maybe because he's not being forced to retire.
The caller asked if he has cried in front of his psychiatrist. Howard said that he did but he was only did it to get the guy off his ass. Howard said he didn't even really feel that sad. He just did it to get out of therapy. Howard said he has to get out of therapy but the guy won't let him go. Howard said that the guy tells him that they have a lot of work left to do.
Robin said that she just told her therapist that she was tired of doing it and she had to get out. She said she felt fine now and she thought she could handle things on her own. Howard said that he can't handle things on his own so he knows that he still needs help.
Robin said that one of her therapists left the business so she had to find someone else. Fred was playing sound clips of a car peeling out and driving away as they were talking about that.
The caller told Howard that they're the only ones who can make him laugh while he's been out of work for the past year. Howard asked him if he wanted a chance at winning $500. The guy was up for it so Howard told him that they had $500 courtesy of this new show ''The Chaser's War On Everything.''
The caller, Vince, said that he's a production assistant and the business is really down right now. He's also got a law suit against his former employer. Howard said it's no wonder he can't get a job. The guy said that he's asking for back wages and his job back. Howard asked why they fired him. The guy said they fired him because of his wife's health. He said he wasn't missing work or anything but he told them that he had to keep his cell phone on him because his wife was so sick. Howard said that he must have been busy with his wife and the cell phone and leaving work all the time. The guy said he only left work one time.
Howard cut the guy off and said he didn't want to get into it with him. He told the guy that they had the ''Dumb as a Rock'' game recently and this woman Britney Stevens was in that. Sal and Richard asked her a bunch of questions after the show and this caller had to guess if she could get these questions right.
The first question was ''What President is on the nickel?'' The guys weren't even sure who was on the nickel. Howard said that there was no way that Britney was going to know. The right answer was ''Jefferson'' and the caller said that she wouldn't know. She actually did know and even knew his first name.
Howard said he was shocked by that one. He played the next question which was ''What is Barack Obama's middle name?'' Howard ended up reading some e-mail about Scott DePace since he had quoted something about Obama wining by only 4 percent. The e-mailers were correcting him saying that he won by 7 percent. Scott said that Obama only got 52 percent. Howard said that McCain only got 48 percent of the vote. Scott said that those 48 percent didn't want Obama. Howard said that Scott can't admit that he was wrong.
Howard got back to the tape and played Britney's answer. She didn't know the right answer for Obama's middle name. She said ''Aladdin'' so the guys figured that she was going for ''Barack Bin Laden Obama.'' Fred had guessed it right and figured that she was going for the Osama thing.
Howard played the next question which was ''What is 100 divided by 5?'' Howard figured she'd know the answer. The caller said she wouldn't know. She said it was ''50.'' Howard said that the guy was now on the board. Howard played the next one and it was ''What super hero does Lex Luther want to kill?'' Vince said that he thinks that she would know. He was right, she did know it was Superman. Howard said that the caller was about to win $500 if he got the next one right.
Howard played the next question which was ''Who was the republican who lost against Barack Obama?'' Vince said he was going to guess that she was going to know. She knew the answer so the caller won his $500. Howard told Vince that he did some good work there.
Howard said he liked this game and he might have to keep Britney Stevens as the go-to girl. Howard played another question which was ''What does NASA stand for?'' Howard said that even he doesn't know it. Britney said that it stood for ''N A S A'' and just spelled NASA. Sal asked her what NYPD stood for. Britney said it was ''New York Police Department.''
Howard didn't think that Britney was that dumb. Howard had another question which was ''Where were the 2008 Olympics were held?'' She thought it was Italy. Robin said that she's walking around in a fog.
Sal asked her ''Name the rock star who bit the head off a bat on stage.'' She thought it was Jim Morrison because he had done some crazy stuff on stage like taking his cock out.
Sal asked her ''Where does paper come from?'' She said ''Trees.'' Sal asked who was president before George W. Bush and she knew it was Clinton. Sal asked her what she would be wearing if she was in her ''birthday outfit'' and she said ''a clown outfit.''
Sal asked Britney ''What does CIA stand for?'' and Britney said it was ''City International Allied.'' Artie was laughing his ass off at that answer. He said she just put three words together. Sal asked her ''What is FedEx short for?'' She didn't know. She got the ''Federal'' but didn't know what Ex stood for.
Howard played another one where Sal asked Britney ''What president is 'Frost Nixon' about?'' Britney hadn't heard of the film and had no clue. Artie was laughing his ass off when he heard her answers. He told them to get her in there today no matter where she was at.
Howard said that the porn business is being hit really hard in this economy. He said that there are a lot of web sites out there showing free porn and it's not helping the business. Howard said he was reading the business is down by 20-30 percent. He said that the actors aren't getting much from it either.
Howard said that amateur porn is on the rise so much that no one needs to buy porn anymore. Howard said it's the internet and it's already ruined the music industry.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that they have a story about Beth's appearance on the Mike and Juliet show. Howard said Beth told him that Lisa was right there in the front row of the show. He said that Beth likes Lisa but she was kind of freaked out that she was there the whole time covering it.
Lisa said that the producer of the show was telling her that Beth has something in her that he rarely sees with anyone else on TV. They talked about some of the stuff that happened while Beth was on the show. Lisa had mentioned that Beth had talked about Howard's penis on the show. Howard said that he saw that. Geraldo Rivera was the guest and Beth had told him that his penis worked for her. That led to them talking about how a woman can orgasm with a guy even if he doesn't have a big penis. Howard said that women can orgasm if they're attracted to a guy. Robin and Artie said that there are rape victims who have had orgasms but Howard found that hard to believe.
Howard asked Lisa what else she learned. She said she learned that Beth is very talented and Howard has a big penis. Lisa also said that she has a story about Crazy Alice who has moved to a new neighborhood. She said that no one recognizes her in the new neighborhood.
Lisa said that Richard and Sal have a press photo for themselves and they won't be giving out solo photos anymore. The picture is of them putting their heads together.
Fred found the song that the Bittersweet Symphony string arrangement came from. They talked about that and how close it was to what the song was. That led to Howard and the guys talking about the songs and people using other musicians stuff in their songs.
Howard asked Vinnie what's going on with Craig Ferguson because he read that he's beating Conan in the ratings. Vinnie said that he's doing very well over there. Vinnie said that the guy is very competitive. Howard asked if he thinks that Dave will benefit when Conan goes up against him. Vinnie said that it will clear the deck and it should be great. Howard said that taking Leno off a hit show is crazy. Vinnie said that it doesn't make any sense.
Vinnie said that it should be great for Dave. He thinks that Dave will beat Conan. Vinnie said that they should keep winning prime time even when Jay moves to prime time. Howard asked Vinnie what he thinks will really happen but Vinnie wanted to get back to the music discussions.
Howard asked Vinnie if they will fire Dave if he doesn't beat Conan. Vinnie yelled out ''I'll be right there!'' and said he had to get going.
Howard let Vinnie go and took a call from Bobo who asked about the new ''Show in the Hallway'' that aired this week. He wondered if Sal and Beth have made up since doing that show. Howard said that Beth was in the new episode and she seemed to have fun doing it. He wasn't sure if she would hang out with Sal now though. He said she may have warmed up to him though.
Gary said that Sal and Beth are exchanging e-mails again so they have worked things out. Howard said that he warned Beth that Sal will screw up again eventually. Fred said that's the reason that Sal's wife has an ''emotional friend.''
Bobo asked Howard about Jackie the Joke Man and if he's ever going to get together with him. Howard said that he likes Jackie but they don't really hang out at all anymore. He said that they just don't have a relationship now. He said that before Jackie left the show they were on a private jet flying out to Vegas and he knew Jackie was up for renegotiation. He told Jackie to just stay for another 5 years and then get out. Jackie told him that he had things going on and the next thing he knew he was out. Howard said that the company told him that they weren't going to hire Jackie back if he left that time.
Howard had a clip of Sal talking about meeting Bobby Flay on the Wrap Up Show. Gary said that Sal grabbed Bobby and his wife and ended up insulting the guy. Howard played the clip where Sal explained what he had done to them. Sal had told Bobby that he had one of his burgers and he told Bobby that his burger was so good it was like having pussy in his mouth. Howard said that's the most ridiculous thing to say because pussy doesn't taste that good. Artie said that if pussy did taste that good he'd be down there all the time.
Howard told Sal that he needs to become a mute and not talk to people. Sal said that he was censoring himself there and he thought that he was getting better at doing that stuff. Sal said that he was censoring himself. The guys told him that he was still being very inappropriate with Flay and his wife.
Sal said that he thought it was a great way to compliment a chef. Howard told Sal that he could have said that it was like sex instead of telling him it was like eating pussy. Howard told Sal he's out of his mind telling him something like that. Sal said that he was trying to let the guy know how much he liked the burger and that's what came out.
Howard told Sal that he's going go fuck up the thing with Beth now. Sal said that he's keeping them short and professional and he's not going to fuck up. Howard said that Sal is the same guy who went up to Russell Simmons and said ''I'm the white devil.'' Sal said he was just trying to lighten the mood with the guy. Howard said that he's referencing something from the show and Russell had no idea that's what he was doing.
Gary said that Sal also went into the green room and told Jon Stewart that his jokes aren't that funny. Howard told Sal he has to stop doing that stuff with his guests. He told him he was wrong for talking to Bobby Flay the way he did too.
Howard told Sal over and over again that he was insane and moronic. Sal said that Flay's wife did make a face as if he had said the word pussy. Sal said he figured that they were adults and they would be okay with what he was talking about. The guys told Sal to stop ''figuring'' things out on his own like that.
Artie told Sal that it's amazing that he got a hot chick to marry him. He said that with that kind of stuff going on it's amazing he even got any woman to talk to him.
A caller said that this has to be a bit because there's no way this guy is that retarded. Howard said that it's not a bit though. He said that Sal just doesn't understand. Howard said that they had a big that was created and he didn't want to play it because of the content. He said that Sal and Richard went to a department store and had a page go over the intercom system. They had her saying the N-word over the intercom there. Sal was laughing his ass off about the bit but Howard was disgusted with it. Howard said that it wasn't a great bit but Sal was laughing his ass off thinking about it.
Howard said that it's one thing when you hear a guy like Hate Man saying the N-word but when his guys are doing that to someone in a store, that's like him condoning the word. He said that he wasn't going to play the bit but now he will because he's talked about it. Howard said that it's just not right and this is the stuff he has to deal with all day long.
In the clip Sal tells the woman at the store that his son ''Nick Gerz'' is lost in the store. The woman then gets on and asks for ''Nick Gerz'' to come to the front of the store. Sal giggled when he heard the bit. Artie said that he thought it was funny.
Sal said they thought it was clever to take that and take the old ''Ben Dover'' thing and change it. Howard said that it's really not that brilliant. Fred said they did that bit on the Dave Chappelle show. Sal said that was different.
Sal said that he would have loved to have seen all of the black people in the store and their reactions. He asked if they could do it again with Howard TV. Howard told him not to even joke about that shit. He told him that this is what he has to deal with every day.
Howard told Sal that he knows this emotional friend that his wife has and he's not even a good looking guy. Sal said that he looks kind of like a shorter Scott the Engineer.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that the ''Show in the Hallway'' shows are hilarious. Howard said that there's something in Sal's head that just isn't right though. He he doesn't have any filter in that head.
Howard took a call from a guy who was calling from the town that Sal's father's first pizzeria was in. Sal talked to the guy about that for a minute before the caller asked if Sal knows that he's representing the show. He said that if Howard sees Bobby Flay out in the Hamptons one day, this is what he's going to talk about. Howard said that it's a good thing that he hides from everyone then.
Another caller said that he has to agree with Artie and he thought that bit was hilarious. Artie said that it really wasn't a brilliant thing to do. Howard said that he can't play that like he condones the bit. He said that he can't have his guys going around trying to trick people into saying the N-word.
Another caller said that Howard is beating his head against the wall with this stuff. Howard said that he worries about Sal because he's going through some tough times with his wife and he doesn't get that it's these type of things that are driving her nuts. He said that Sal just doesn't get that telling Bobby Flay that his burger tasted like pussy is wrong.
Richard came in and said that something happened this weekend with Sal. He said he has to worry about Sal sometimes too. Howard said that this is great because Richard is so inappropriate himself. Richard said that they did a comedy show down in Orlando this weekend. They were at a hotel and they were in this back room as their green room. They had a black fashion show going on in another room so Sal was in the room by himself rehearsing his act with about 15 black people. Sal said he was doing some Obama jokes but he wasn't doing them out loud. He was in another room and some of the people heard some of the jokes so management wanted to move him away from them.
Sal said that he was writing some new jokes about Obama and terrorism. Artie and Howard wanted to hear what they were. Sal said he didn't have anything specific. Howard told him to tell them the jokes. Sal said that he told the audience he voted for Obama and got some huge applause and told them that he had voted for the ''white half'' Obama. He also made a joke about his ''cheese doodle'' fingerprints on the things that he had signed. Artie told him that those are really hackie jokes.
Sal said he didn't want to get really heavy but if he did he could have started using other words for black guys. Richard said that Sal was worried about one black guy in the audience and he was asking the other comedians if that big guy in the front row was cool.
Howard made fun of Sal about his racist jokes and how he just doesn't get that he's wrong for doing what he does. Sal was talking about some of the other stuff that he's done and ended up arguing with Artie about what he does in his act.
Sal was saying that he had called the big black guy ''King Kong'' and he thought he had to do that to diffuse the audience. Robin told him to try and have an act instead of doing something like that. Artie said that Sal isn't coming clean with the jokes either. Sal said that he is too.
Sal said he was joking about the King Kong thing and Artie told him that he was being really hackie with those jokes. Sal said that he knows and told people not to come and see his act then. Artie was trying to talk to Sal about the comedy act so he could help him out. He said that he should be doing professional jokes and not those old hackie jokes.
Howard said that Sal is opening up for Artie at the Borgata this weekend. Artie said that Sal does fine at those things. He said that he doesn't even listen to his act anymore though.
Howard said he saw this thing on the internet where Arnold Diaz, the guy who does the ''Shame On You'' things for a local news station, goes to a guy who owns a bakery and confronts him about him making ''drunken negro head cookies.'' Howard said that he's doing them as a ''celebration'' and they're big black cookies with big black lips and the Sambo look.
Howard said the people who are interviewed about it say that the guy uses the N-word when he sells them the cookies. Howard played the clip where some people were being interviewed about the cookies and they were saying that the guy is saying that Obama is going to get what's coming too him just like Lincoln did.
Howard said that the chef at this place is just like Sal. He doesn't get it when he's wrong. The Howard TV guys showed a picture of the heads and Sal said it looked just like Robin. He said he was just kidding though. That's what he does at his comedy shows too.
Howard said that what's amazing is that this guy has a successful business and he's always packed but now he's in the news for making these heads. He said that all the guy has to do is make his cakes but he has to do this controversial thing. The guy was perfectly willing to talk to Arnold Diaz about them too. The guy had also made some dead geese cookies after the recent plane crash.
In the clip they took the cookies out on the street and showed it to people walking by. A lot of the people were shocked by what they were seeing.
After the clip Howard said he's looking forward to the Auschwitz Eclair. Artie said that's a guy who must have race on his mind all the time. Robin said that's much like their Sal. Sal said that it's not on his mind all the time. He said that he doesn't see race like that. Robin said that he does too. Sal asked her what she was seeing when she looked at him. Robin said she sees ''a guy.'' Sal said that he sees a woman when he looks at her. Artie said he sees a jerk off.
They played a new ''Douche'' song featuring Tracy the office manager. Sal said that she's getting hammered lately with that. He said that she said hi to him on Facebook recently and it was just one ''douche'' or ''Steve Grillo'' comment after another.
After that they played Sal's edited apology clip from when he was talking about Miss Howard Stern having a black baby.
Howard said that Britney Spears has put out a new song called ''If You Seek Amy'' and it's causing some controversy because some radio stations are saying that it's too close to sounding like ''F U C K Me.'' Howard played some of that song. Then JD came in and said that the baker from that shop has come out with an apology for the cookies.
Howard played the audio clip of a news report about the baker and the calls he's been getting about the cookies. The chef was getting death threats over the cookies. The guy, Ted, apologized for the cookies after he got a bunch of calls threatening to burn down the shop and things like that. Howard said the guy is a dummy. After playing that Howard had to go to break.
Howard said he didn't get some of the lyrics in that song. He said that it seemed like they could write about anything and have a hit song.
Howard said he has the guitar that Paul McCartney gave him in a case at his house. He said that he wants to get a still shot of Paul giving it to him that he can put in the case with it.
Artie said that he heard that John Lennon and Yoko Ono were doing $5,000 a month worth of heroin back in the days when they were doing that stuff. Howard and Robin wondered how much that actually was.
Howard said that Lisa Lampanelli (InsultComic.com) was coming in to plug her HBO special that's airing this Saturday night. Lisa came in and talked about how good the show was. She said they taped it out in Santa Rosa, California.
Howard asked Lisa if she was insulted when she heard Sal calling that guy ''King Kong'' at the comedy show. Lisa said that she usually just alls a guy like that a ''gorilla'' instead.
Lisa sadi that she was down in Washington DC this week but was't at the innaguration last week. SHe said that she did get some guy's fphon numbers while she was there.
Lisa said that she's lost some weight and has started working out. She said that she was writing her book and it was dredging up all of this stuff so she started to work out to get the frustrations out. Lisa said that she's allowed to date now after having to stop for a while. She said that the shrink told her to take a year off from dating so that's what she did. NOw she's back to dating again.
Howard asked Lisa about this project that she's working on with Jim Carrey. Lisa siad that they handed in the scrip and they should be shooting the pilot soon. She said it's going to be dark comedy.
Howard aksed Lisa about this party she invited hinm to. Lisa said that she knew that Howard and RObin wouldn't come but she sent the invitation anyway. Howard siad that he would go to anything that Lisa invited him to. Then he said he can't make it to this thing on Saturday night. ARtei said he won't be able to make it becusae he'll be on the road.
Lisa said that HBO only asked her to change one joke in her act. It was about American Idol David Archeletta because he's under age and they didn't want her saying that he was a ''fag.'' Lisa said that she had some other jokes about Sarah Palin that HBO thought might be a little too hard core. They left the jokes in there though.
Howard said he thinks that this is going to be very controversial for Lisa. He said that people who don't know her are going to see this and they won't know where she's coming from all the time and they will think she's racist. Lisa said that she doesn't think that she'll have any problems.
Howard said that Lisa hosted the Lisa G cookie party for them on Howard 101 a few weeks ago. Lisa said that party was so bad that it sucked the funny out of her. She said that she loves Lisa G but she's got this tiny apartment and there were like 100 people crammed into it. She said that she was sweating like Kathy Griffin at a Carrot Top look-alike event.
Lisa talked about how hard she tried but they had technical problems there that night. Howard said that he told Tim that Lisa is better than a Lisa G cookie party show. He said that they started out the channels doing shows like that as ''wallpaper'' and it just doesn't work sometimes. Lisa said that she had fun making fun of Jason being fat. She said that Lisa G really knows how to party like it's 1949.
Lisa said that Lisa G didn't have any food there at the party. She said that it was just cookies. Howard said that when you have a 7 o'clock party it's the dinner hour so you should have some kind of other food. Lisa said that she went through her cabinets and wasn't able to find anything.
Howard asked Lisa how the sex has been lately. Lisa said that the sex is great now that she's lost weight. She said that she doesn't get a sore neck and her joints don't bother her anymore. Lisa said that she's dating pretty much anyone except ''chinky'' guys. She said that she still likes the blacks and the whites. She said that she had a date with a surgeon and a sportscaster. She said that this sportscaster was out in Utah and there are hardly any black guys out there.
Lisa said that she and the guy had a couple of dates but the guy was kind of conceited. She said that when she's in the room it has to be all about her and not about him. Lisa said she didn't bang that guy though. Lisa said that she's pretty much just dating guys right now.
Howard asked Lisa if she keeps it clean down below and if the guys fingers will stink when they come out. Lisa said that she's very clean down there.
Howard asked Lisa about this rehab she went to. Lisa said that was a food rehab. She said that she was in Overeaters Anonymous but the people in there are so fucking fat it's horrible. She said that they won't even let you mention some types of foods in there. She said that they won't let you say that you ate too many cupcakes because they think that it could trigger someone else to over eat. Lisa said they had one bitch there that wouldn't even say ''cake'' on her birthday.
Lisa has lost 35 pounds since going to that rehab thing. Lisa said that things are going good since then. She said that she's back to dating and screwing guys too. Howard asked if Lisa G is now hanging around with her. Lisa said that Lisa G isn't much fun. She said that she asked her to go out on the road with her but Lisa G always says she has to play her violin instead. Lisa said that she could get her laid but she's always playing that violin.
Lisa G came in so Lisa told her about how she covers up her whole body and she never shows any cleavage or anything. She also said that she's a cheap mother fucker. Lisa said that Lisa G won't leave a big tip either and she argues with her about it. Lisa G said that they go along with it even though they think it's too much money.
Lisa G said that she will go out on the road with Lisa but Lisa said that she has offered that to her 3 times and she hasn't gone.
Howard said that Lisa G just wants to sit around with her cats and her cookies. Artie asked Lisa G if she's been using the C-word lately. Lisa G said she has been but people make fun of her when she does. She was saying the word with a hard T at the end so Lisa L told her to tone it down a bit.
Howard told Lisa G to get dressed up once in a while but Lisa G said that she's always cold and can't wear dresses and stuff.
Lisa L was trying to help Lisa G out with the look she has but Lisa G was just laughing and saying that she can't wear that sexy stuff because it's too cold.
Howard asked Lisa L what she thinks about Lisa G admitting she shits at work. Lisa said that's just not sexy to talk about. Artie said that he can't just fuck Lisa G at work because he knows that she shits at work.
Lisa G said that she would wear a sexy dress to Lisa's party on Saturday night. Howard told her to wear high heels but Lisa G was saying that she was going to wear boots. Howard told her to wear the shoes and Lisa L agreed with him on that.
Lisa was saying that Lisa G really is in love with Artie too. She said that she gets texts from her all the time and she's always talking about Artie in them.
Howard said that Lisa is doing a show there on Howard 101 at 7pm tonight called ''Race Relations.'' Howard gave her a plug for that and for the HBO special.
Howard took some calls and one guy said that Lisa looks like a tranny. Lisa thanked him for that. He was also talking about how fat he thought she was. Another caller said that Lisa is great in her act and he just saw her recently.
Another caller said that Lisa seems to be in some really bad movies and they're always with Larry the Cable Guy. Lisa said that she does what she's offered and Larry is a friend of hers.
Another caller said that Lisa looks like a 500 pound porcupine. Lisa said that guy did the same thing the last time she did her show there on Howard 101. Howard said that's the kind of calls she'll have to put up with on her show tonight.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he would have a chance with Lisa. He said that he makes about 70 grand a year. Lisa thought that was pretty terrible. She wasn't interested in dating the guy. Howard had to wrap up with Lisa a short time later. Howard said that Lisa has a book coming out soon. He also gave her plugs for the HBO special ''Long Live the Queen'' and the show she's doing tonight on Howard 101.
Howard said that Torre threw A-Rod under the bus in the book. Gary said that he's wondering if it was written for money or if it was some kind of vendetta. Howard said that he thinks that it's for money and he really doesn't understand what he's doing.
Howard said that he thought A-Rod did some big things with the Yankees but Gary corrected him on that and said he really didn't. He just caused problems. Gary said he thinks that the book was written as a vendetta because he went to tell management that he was sick with cancer and the management already knew.
Artie came back in late and asked what they were talking about. They had to go back over some of the stuff they were talking about. Howard said he thinks that what Torre did was wrong. Artie said that there are no laws with guys like that saying that they can't talk about what happened to him. Artie said that he thinks that it's fine with Torre talking about what a dick A-Rod was.
Howard read a story about this Chelsea Handler chick in the paper today. He wasn't sure who she was but Gary told him that she's a comedian. Howard said that they mentioned her in this article in the paper today and she actually mentioned Artie. She said that Artie had insulted her by saying that she was the most unfunny person on TV. Chelsea said that Artie is fat and one of the meanest roasting comedians around. She also doesn't believe that he's ever had sex with anyone without paying for it. Howard said he doesn't know her work so he doesn't know what kind of act she has.
Artie said that he has an alarm where a radio station comes on. He said that they changed the format of the station and the guy that's on at that time just wakes him right up.
Howard said he had to make a point about this whole thing about replacing Hillary Clinton. Howard said that the fiasco of the Illinois governor picking a senator and the Caroline Kennedy thing. He said that they're saying that Caroline had a lot of problems in her life that stopped her from trying to be senator. Howard said that he wondered why the governor has to disparage the shit out of her if he didn't want her in there. He said that Governor Patterson made it all about himself.
Howard said that they have to have a law about senators leaving office and how they have to have a special election or something instead of letting people appoint them the way they do now.
Howard said that the idea that these governors have to pick someone to be senator is just wrong. He said that this governor they have now got the job after the other governor resigned after being caught screwing prostitutes. He said the whole process is just weird.
Howard said they picked some woman from upstate and she's kind of a name from nowhere. She's filling in for Hillary now that she's out. Robin said that she just fills in for her until the next election and then she has to run herself.
Howard said that clip was a few more minutes long. He got distracted by the Playboy he had in front of him. He wondered if that was a new one with Carmen Electra on the cover. It wasn't new. Howard talked about how he doesn't like the way they do things with some of the girls in the magazine. He said that they dye their hair bright blonde and it just doesn't look right to him.
Howard read some of the interview they had with Carmen and said that it had screwed up the show because it was so distracting. That led to Howard talking about how that guy from Perfect 10 magazine sued to make the girls say that their favorite comedian was ''Howard Stern'' even if they were from Russia and other countries where they never could have heard him. He said it was so obvious that they were putting his name in there on purpose.
Howard checked out some of the centerfold information in the Playboy as well. He didn't think that the information was right in there because a 20 year old wouldn't be into Roy Orbison. He thought that was kind of odd.
Howard said that he got some feedback from a photographer who went off him about something he had said about photography being kind of a bogus career. The guy went off on him about Howard thinking that he owns the rights to the pictures that photographers take.
Howard said he was going to watch the Danny Bonaduce and Jose Canseco fight on Saturday night. Howard said that he heard that it was a draw but Jose had held back from beating the shit out of Danny. Howard said some people think they did that so they can do a rematch.
Howard said he got a copy of the Mark Bravaro book. He said that he was on the Wrap Up Show recently. Artie said he was on that show and talked a little bit about the guy.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up that Chelsea Handler chick and said that she blew off Greg Fitzsimmons one night recently. He said that she's not all that great either. Artie said that he felt kind of guilty about saying what he said about her. He said that she has to be lying about her age too. He said that she claims to be 33 but she's really got to be 48.
Howard read a couple of quick e-mails about Beth on Mike and Juliet and some other stuff. He said he was done with the Jeff Kent audio because he thought it was kind of boring.
Howard got back to the Danny and Jose fight and said that maybe it was kind of a set up. He said that Jose said that he was going to hold back on Danny that night. He said maybe they had an agreement not to fight that hard.
Steve said that Jackie has a buddy who is involved in the movie business and Jackie was helping out taking notes and stuff for the guy. Howard said he'd like to interview Jackie about that to find out more.
Steve said that there's a book coming out that is dedicated to Gary's teeth. The book has nothing to do with the show. Steve ran through a couple of other things after that and wrapped up.
Howard read an article about the Danny Bonaduce and Jose Canseco fight. In the article they said that it seemed like Jose was taking it easy on Danny. Even Danny thought it was weird that they had tied and he felt that Jose was holding back. Howard wondered what that was all about. He said that they're planning a rematch out in L.A. soon. Artie asked what sucker is going to buy tickets to that.
Howard moved on to Jon Hein and had him go through his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran through his list of subjects they were going to try and cover today. The guys ended up talking about Sal and his wacky way of thinking. Gary said that Jon drives Sal home from work every day so he gets to sit with him all the time and listen to his crazy thoughts. Jon said that there is no governor or filter on Sal and he just goes to those places. Jon said that Sal is trying to use a filter there but it just doesn't quite work right.
Artie said that Sal is just a jerk off. He said that he's just one of those guys who doesn't think right. He said that it's a little bit of stupidity. Jon said that there's something inside of Sal that compels him to say stuff like he does. He's not sure what that's about. Jon finished up his Wrap Up Show preview a short time later.
Artie said that he's asked hot chicks to send him pictures but they're grown ups. He said that he can't even get them to do that.
Artie said that he had a friend who sent him a picture of his girl blowing him one time. He said that picture made the rounds with a bunch of people.
Robin said that she had a guy taking video of her secretly one time. She got really upset with him for doing that. Howard said that he took some pictures of Beth when they first started dating but he hasn't done that lately.
Robin asked Howard if his kids are doing anything like that. Howard said he hopes his youngest daughter isn't doing that. He said he's warned them not to do that stuff. He said he would hire a chick that looks like his kids and have them send out pictures of her instead if they want to send nudes.
Robin read that there is one family in the Bernard Madoff scan that may get some of their money back. They worked with this one guy and didn't know about Madoff. They may actually get all of their money back. Robin said that other people will only get pennies on the dollar back. Zsa Zsa Gabor was also mentioned as being one of the victims in the scam according to what Robin read. She said that she's not sure if that's true or not. She said that Zsa Zsa's husband likes to put their name out there and he may have just done it for publicity.
Robin said that the Osbournes are going to be doing a new reality show soon but Kelly has just been checked into rehab. Howard asked what kind of stuff she was into. Robin said it was pain pills and alcohol in the past but she's not sure about what it is now. Artie said that those pills aren't that hard to get. He said that it's not easy to get the pills from a crooked doctor but they are out there. Howard was also talking about how they used to have Sharon Osbourne on the show back when no one was putting them on TV. Now she never shows up there. They had to go to break a short time later.
After the break, around 10:05am, we heard a prank call that Sal and Richard made to a pizzeria. Fred also played some Stone Temple Pilots as they were coming back. Robin said that she read that Scott Weiland was going to start a clothing line. Howard said he has noticed the clothes he wears and he's a pretty stylist guy. He said he can see that happening.
Robin read a story about John Travolta and how there was a plot to release pictures and blackmail Travolta into paying $20 million. That led to the guys talking about the Travolta house down in Florida were John can fly into his neighborhood and park his jet right at the house. They spent a short time talking about all of that stuff. They were also talking about what kind of money the guy must be worth to be able to afford all of that stuff. They were talking about the many hit movies he's been in and how that must be where the money came from.
Robin asked Howard about this guy Gordon Ramsey who does a reality show and now his empire may be collapsing. They say that he's had to close some of his restaurants and he's also got problems with a former employee who claims she had an affair with him for 7 years.
Robin read a story about a 20 year old model who got an infection in her urinary tract and that led to her losing her hands and feet after she came down with this infection. Then it killed her. Howard said that he doesn't mean to sound superficial but when he hears about a beautiful woman losing her hands and feet, it really bothers him. He said she probably just drank the water down in Brazil. Robin said that it was a horrible thing for her.
Robin read a story about the restaurant 21 and how they're no longer demanding a jacket and tie. It's just a suggested thing now. Howard said that's smart of them to do that. Howard said that he will now have to check the place out. Robin said that it's great. Artie said he went there for his birthday once and it was very good because they have a private room there. Howard said he likes to watch people when he eats so he doesn't like private rooms. He said he'd rather be out in the restaurant. Howard said he wouldn't worry about people trying to take pictures of him at a place like that.
Robin read a story about David Kouresh's mother being killed by her sister. She was living under another name and she was found in the home of her sister in Texas. They don't know what the motive was. Howard guessed that it was the sister wanting the attention.
Robin read a story about a British man who killed his wife after she changed her Facebook status to ''single.'' She had a story about a woman who got into trouble when her 3 year old was caught smoking on tape. The kid lit up the cigarette and puffed on the cigarette like it was no big deal.
Robin said that they are going to have 3D commercials during the Super Bowl this year. That led to the guys talking about the video tape that Howard had out that had some 3D things in it. They had an elephant shitting in the tape in 3D. Robin said she had a story about a guy who was buried and killed in elephant shit one time. Howard didn't believe that story. Robin said she remembers doing that story.
Robin read a story about President Obama's approval ratings so far. He's got a great approval rating so far after less than a week in office.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about Bubba the Love Sponge for a few minutes. Howard mentioned Bubba and then Artie said that he heard that Bubba is building a new ''Bubba Palace'' down in Tampa and it's going to be 14,000 square feet. He said that Bubba had a really nice house down there and now he's building an even bigger one.
Artie said that his house down at the shore is 8,000 square feet and it's really too much space. Howard said that it's nice to have that to show off to hot chicks when they come over. Artie said that he only needs one nice room to do that. He said that 14,000 square feet is a lot of space. He said that Bubba does have a kid and a wife and Bubba is enormous too.
Robin read more about the 3D commercials that are going to be running during the Super Bowl. They're going to have free 3D glasses available at stores that sell Sobe products.
Robin read some news about Caroline Kennedy and the new Senator from New York. That led to Howard doing his Ted Kennedy impression for a few minutes. He kept it up as Robin was reading through some other stories. Howard was using some of Sal's jokes from earlier in the show as Ted's lines.
Robin had some other stories about Michael Bloomberg, Rod Blagojevich, John McCain, the Miss America Pageant and more. JD had come in to talk about the Miss America Pageant since they kind of turned it into a reality show this year. Howard ended up kicking him out after he mumbled through that.
Robin read some stories about the SAG awards. She had some audio from those awards that Howard played. Robin read some news about the upcoming Grammy awards as well.
Robin had some audio of Simon Cowell talking about their new judge, Tara, and how he thinks she's working out. Robin had some audio of Renee Zellwegger talking about a new movie she has coming out. Robin also had a story about Amy Winehouse getting divorced and her husband trying to get half of her money. They ended the news and the show a short time later, right around 10:50am.
Gary said that one of the people they helped break was Bon Jovi. He said that whole thing went on but it's all fixed now.
Jon said that this HBO special is big for Lisa. Gary said she's got that and the TV show so those are two huge things for her. Gary said that she can come in and tell them that she's being executive produced by Jim Carrey and it's cool every time.
Jon said that some people might be turned off by what Lisa does in her act. Gary said that she is controversial but a lot of people love that. Lisa also doesn't seem to care and she likes the controversy. Jon said that sometimes that can help a career.
Lisa came in around that time so Gary asked her about what she thinks about the controversy. Lisa said that Kinison once said that it's better to have 10 percent of the people hate you than to have 90 percent like you.
Lisa was talking about how she invited Gary to her party on Saturday night. She said that she also invited Tim Sabean to the party and she's wanted to fuck Tim. She said that she thinks that he's a catch and if he just dumped his wife she'd be a great catch herself. Lisa said that Tim has low self esteem too and she thinks that she could break him pretty easy. Gary said it sounds like she's thought about that a lot. She said that she guesses she has.
Jon asked if Lisa G was invited to the party. Lisa said that she did invite her. Gary asked Lisa if there is any way to make Lisa G fun. Lisa said she doesn't think so. She said that Lisa G just isn't fun and she doesn't keep a train of thought. She's always bringing up Howard and Artie and she never has sex, ever.
Gary said that a woman should have some story about waking up and having fucked a guy after getting drunk. Lisa G doesn't have anything like that. Lisa said that she had invited Lisa G to a party on New Year's Eve and she asked if she could bring her microphone. She said she just never lets her hair down.
Lisa talked about the cookie party she did with Lisa G and how awful that turned out to be. She said that it was just terrible. Lisa talked about how hot it was in the apartment and how she was so hot she was sweating under her tits.
Gary said that Lisa G thinks that the nutty, wild ass time is the cookie party. Lisa said that Gary told her off the air that she should call him if there is anything that she wants to do on the air that isn't beneath her. Gary said that she was above that whole cookie party thing.
Lisa said that she didn't have a funny feeling about the party until she actually got there. She said she didn't hear the party last year so she had no idea what it was going to be like.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he loves when they have Lisa on the show. He asked Lisa if she likes black guys for their big dick or something else. She said that she thinks that they have a lower standard for the women they get and they think of her as a 6. Gary said that maybe she's a white 6 and a black 8. Lisa said that's probably what it is.
Gary said that when he and Artie were over in Afghanistan they were talking about the chicks over there and how they'd be a 7 in Jersey but a 9 over in Kandahar. Lisa said that she has been banging better looking guys lately because she is so wealthy now.
Jon asked Lisa about some of the stuff they were talking to Lisa G about today like the use of the C-word. Lisa said that Lisa G just can't use that word because she says it with that hard T at the end.
Jon asked Lisa about doing the Jim Carrey show and if she's going to move on once that gets going. Lisa said that she sells tickets because of Howard's show and she's never going to stop doing the show. She said that when Howard says that she's good, everyone drinks the Cool Aide and buys tickets.
Gary asked Lisa if she would go out to dinner with Howard if he asked her to go. She said that she doesn't think that she and Howard could ever be friends. She said that she would be fine with going out to dinner but she might be a little too in awe of him to do that.
Lisa was saying that Howard was great about writing something for her book. Gary said he saw what he wrote and it was very nice. Lisa said she didn't want to bother Howard about it but her publisher told her she had to do it. Lisa said that she cried when she wrote to Gary and Howard got back to her within a day. She said that even Jim Carrey took over 2 weeks to get back to her. She said that LL Cool J is supposed to send her something too. She did a video with him that's on her web site. Lisa said that Leno gave her a quote but Howard and Jim's were the best because they were well thought out.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Lisa if she would host the next Sal and Richard racist party. She said that she won't be doing that. The caller told them that they should go out and get those ''drunken negro head'' cookies and put them on Howard TV so they can see what they look like. Gary said that they already saw them and they are as racist as possible.
Jon took some more calls from a few guys who asked Lisa some various questions. There were a couple of guys who told her how great she's been in her comedy shows.
The guys talked about Sal and how he does seem to have some racism in him even though he denies that he is a racist.
Lisa said that she does some racial stuff in her act but it comes off differently than some of the stuff that Sal will do in his act. Gary said that Sal seems to target just the one group and that might be the problem.
Sal came in to defend himself. Tim Sabean had also come in at the same time so he and Lisa professed their love for each other for a few seconds.
Sal came in and said that he's really not a racist person and he just shares a lot of his frustration with the audience. He said that people laugh at his stuff and he thinks that they laugh hard because he's making it funny and not hateful. Sal said that he's just learned to do his thing on stage and that's what he's doing.
Lisa told Sal that she thinks that he may not be that likable on stage and that's why he gets so much crap from people. Lisa said that she likes Sal but he doesn't have a very likable personality. Sal said that's what he's up against because he knows that he's not that likable. Sal said that he has to work extra hard to get over that.
Gary said that Sal is much more likable when you hang around him than he is on the air. He said that he likes Sal in that way and he found that he liked him much more when he started working with him.
Sal said that he's hoping that he's becoming more of the Sal that they know for the audience. Gary asked Lisa about the first time she used the N-word in her act and if she had to think about that before she did it. Lisa said that she did have to think about that and she wasn't doing that in anger. She said she had to work her way up to the N-word and started out with Spic and Chink before she went to the big one.
Lisa said she didn't really think about doing it that night but she saw that the crowd was with her and there were a lot of black people there so she went for it. She said that it worked out because they all laughed.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he thought the Sal thing was really funny. He thought Howard as overly sensitive about it. He said that the racial stuff is funny and he's okay with some N-word jokes. He said that the stereotype thing is funny and he thinks that the N-word jokes are fine.
Jon took some more phone calls and let some more people talk to Lisa. One guy said that he missed Lisa out in Colorado and wanted to know when she was going to be there again. Lisa told him to check out her web site, InsultComic.com, because she's going to be out in Denver in a couple of months. She told the guy that she'd hook him up with free tickets.
The guys were talking to Sal about more of the wacky things that he's done over the years. Gary asked Sal why he would think that Jon Stewart would want to hear from him that his jokes aren't funny right before he goes on the air with Howard. Sal said that he wasn't trying to be mean about it, he was just giving him some advice about a joke he did on the Oscars. Gary said that he doesn't need to hear it. Sal said he hadn't been working there very long either so he was wrong for doing it. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Lisa is one of the greatest celebrity roasters of all time. He also told Sal that he's hilarious and told him not to change no matter what. The caller went on to talk about the Benicio Del Toro interview and said that Benicio took a shot of Jack Daniels and as he was leaving Lisa G stuck a mic in his face as he was walking out and he looked really disgusted. He said that hey need to talk about Lisa about that. Gary said he'd look into it.
Gary asked Jon about the Joe Torre book and if he thinks it's wrong that he did it. Jon said that he didn't think it was wrong at all. He said that he thinks that he has every right to write about that stuff now that all of that stuff is done with. Jon and Gary spent a short time talking about him before getting back to Sal.
Jon asked Sal about Howard talking about how hard they work back there but then saying that they have to think more before they do some of that stuff. Sal said that he thinks that he's gotten a lot better at that stuff. Gary said that he has gotten better but he still doesn't understand why some of the stuff he does is wrong.
Sal said that he thinks that he knows his place there now and he doesn't do the crazy stuff that he used to do with guests. He used to want to talk to porn stars that would come on the show. He said that now he doesn't do that as much. He said that he did want to kind of do some stuff with that Britney Stevens girl where he would insult her but he didn't do that. Sal said that he is learning now. He said that he thought he learned enough not to say that Bobby Flay's burger tastes like a pussy in your mouth. Gary said that he can't wait to play this on the show tomorrow to show that Sal really hasn't learned anything.
Jon told said that pussy doesn't taste that good and that's what Howard was pointing out this morning. Sal said it depends on what pussy you're eating and at what time of the day you're eating it. He said that when it's fresh it's great.
Benjy said that Sal tries to lighten things up by making it innuendo but that just makes things worse. Sal said he doesn't know but he is learning. Gary said he has to get a hold of Bobby and ask him if he has any memory of that and what he thought of it.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the Sal call was the funniest shit he's heard in ages. He wondered why Artie has to take jabs at Sal about doing hackie jokes all the time. He said that Artie is ready to fight when anyone takes a jab at his movie ''Beer League.''
Sal said that he knows that his fight with Artie was much more than just about the jokes. He said that he can live with what Artie says to him on the air and he took his advice on the jokes when he went off on him about that.
Gary asked Lisa if she's seen comedians that do hack stuff and if she has ever watched and wondered how they're doing it. Lisa said that Jerry Seinfeld is one of those guys but some people just don't get certain comedians and it's no big deal to her.
Sal said that he thinks that Artie is okay with him because he has asked him to write for him and he's opening up for him at the Borgata. He said that Artie has been good to him and he's taken him under his wing and he appreciates that. Sal said that Artie watches out for him but it's a tough love type of thing.
Jon had to end the show a short time later. He asked Lisa what she was going to be up to. She said that she was going to be on every other shitty channel there that doesn't count. The guys all got in their plugs and ended the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about this chick that they have coming in today. She used to be Miss USA and she became a porn star. Her name is Kelli McCarty. Howard said he's surprised they haven't heard more about her. He said he was listening to some of her porn. Robin asked how she is. Howard said he's not sure, he has to listen to the whole clip. He said that she's finally a Miss USA who has gone out and done something.
Howard had some clips of this girl when she was Miss USA. She won back in 1991. Howard played a clip of her talking to Dick Clark back in 1991 when she was in the pageant when she was Miss Kansas. Howard said that Dick Clark might be being punished for doing that awful stuff in his career. He said that it seemed like he was confused about her talking about getting her pilots license when he was talking to her in that clip.
Howard said that Dick Clark might be the one who should have gone into porn after hearing that clip. She was very reasonable talking about golfing and flying and Dick was confused about it. Howard goofed on Dick about that stuff for a short time and said that he's the best.
Howard replayed the clip to hear Dick getting confused about the pilot's license ''sort of thing'' that he asked Kelli about.
Howard played some audio of Kelli being questioned by the judges at the Miss USA pageant. She was asked about it being a ''man's world'' and what she thinks about that. Kelli gave an answer that Howard didn't think answered that question so he cut that off and explained what the question was supposed to be about. Howard played some more of her clips after that.
Howard had some audio from Kelli's movies. He had one from the movie ''Faithless'' where she was getting nailed. He started to play it and noticed that she was doing that sucking in of air that Amy Fisher was doing in her porn movie. Howard said that it's very annoying and he's not sure if he does that when he's having sex. Howard said that it might be the porn stars trying to suck their souls back in.
Howard played another clip where Kelli was having ''rape type sex'' in that same ''Faithless'' movie. Howard said that JD wrote that so he's assuming that JD meant that they were playing around with a rape scene or something. In that clip Kelli was screaming as she was getting smacked around a little bit.
Howard said he could imagine Robin getting knocked around like that. He guessed that Kelli was going to end up liking getting banged in that scene. He asked JD to come in and describe what was going on there. JD said that it was a whole thing with the plot. JD said that she was angry with the guy because there's a woman who knocks on the door and interrupts them. She gets mad at the guy and she doesn't want to have sex so the guy has to slap her around and sticks his dick right in her face.
Howard asked JD if the chick is hot in the movie. JD said he thought she was. He said that her body has held up.
Howard had another clip from ''Faithless'' where she was doing some straight acting. JD said that they have a whole love triangle in the movie so that's what the scene was about. Robin was laughing while the clip was playing. So was Artie. Robin thought that she answered the questions better in the Miss USA pageant. Howard said he thought that she was better in the porno. She sounded more natural in the porn movie.
Howard said that they may have gotten her into the porn by telling her that it was actually a straight acting role. He said they'll ask her about that when she comes in later. He played a song parody of ''Lay Your Head On My Penis'' after that.
Robin said it sounds a little rough and she's not sure she'd be calling in to wish a happy birthday right after getting out of jail. Howard said it was apparently very important for him to do that.
Howard had another clip from The View that he had played before. It was a discussion they were having with Ann Coulter and they were all talking over each other. Howard said that it was a real tape and you have no idea what anyone is saying.
Howard said that the guys in the back took some clips from his show and put it together to make it sound like The View where they're all talking over each other. He thought that was pretty good. Howard said that's what they would sound like if they were The View.
Howard said he had so many things to talk about. He said that Gary went to the AVN Awards about a month ago so he had to play that stuff. Howard said that he was reading Playboy yesterday and the magazine is half the size that it used to be. There were almost no ads in there at all. Gary said that someone told him that they were reading Sports Illustrated recently and there were only 6 ads in the magazine. Robin said that the newspapers are suffering too. They're not nearly as big as they used to be.
Howard said that the NY Times is doing so bad that they had some Mexican billionaire invest in it. Robin said that the guy is apparently going to be a silent investor and not change them in any way.
Gary asked about the big layoffs that were announced yesterday. Howard said that stuff is really freaking him out. Gary said that the Virgin Megastore is going out of business in Times Square. They also talked about Circuit City going out of business. Gary said that Home Depot and some other big companies laid off a bunch of people too.
Robin said that DHL went out of business after some German company bought it. Now the whole community around the DHL company is being laid off.
Artie said that there was one guy who wrote an article about how it seems like there's less hustle and bustle in New York City because there are so few people working there. Gary said that there were people in front of Planet Hollywood who were out on the street telling people their specials. Usually there's a rope and people are waiting in line to get in there.
The guys talked about the kind of work that people are going to have to start doing. Artie said that all of these people who stop working aren't going to have anywhere to get a new job. A lot of the jobs are going over to India.
Robin said she had to talk to an Indian tech support guy on the phone the other day. She said that the guy wasn't even able to help her. She said that the guy had called her and he told her that she needed her account number to straighten out whatever it was she was straightening out.
Howard said he had a similar problem with trying to straighten something out. He said he never did get the supervisor to call him back. Gary said that he read about those tech support people and how they take their fake names from movies so you end up talking to Harrison or Julia. That led to the guys creating names for those Indian tech support guys. They were throwing names out there from movies and some of the names they use on the show.
Robin asked Fred if he could watch his wife doing love scenes if she was Angelina Jolie. Fred said that he couldn't watch her doing it no matter who she was. He said that she'd probably be long gone if she was that big of a star anyway.
Howard said he would have a hard time with it if it was Beth too. Fred said that he's not sure how anyone handles it and suggested that the chicks do that stuff when they're single. Howard said that Beth did a sitcom one time and she had to kiss a guy on the show. Howard said that the guy told Beth that she was the first one who he ever got to kiss on screen and he was very nervous. He asked if they were supposed to use tongues. Howard said that the guy was full of it and Beth told him that it was inappropriate.
Howard said that Fred's wife was doing ''Tony and Tina's Wedding'' and it was barely a play. It was all improv and they suck you into this fake wedding and Alison was supposed to get up and hump some dude. Howard said that Fred would come home and his wife would go out and do that play. She was hanging out with the cast and doing that show with this guy she was supposed to be humping.
Howard said he knows how hard it is to get to sleep when your wife is out doing something like that. Fred said that he should have gotten a percentage of sales based on what he had to endure. Howard said that Alison also had her own store that Fred was supporting and they had to close that after 9/11. Howard said that was the best thing to come out of that day.
Howard said that it was a second hand store and she loaded it up with Fred's stuff. The place was called ''Sunrise Ruby'' and the concept of the store was to bring your used clothes there and Alison would sell it. Howard said that no one knew about the place and Fred found that she had grabbed all of the stuff from his closet and was selling it all there. Howard said that it made no sense. Fred said that it was a good idea because those consignment shops do very well.
Howard said that 9/11 saved Fred from that store. Fred said that Alison also got pregnant and he didn't want her doing that stuff so that also helped get the store closed.
Howard said that he thinks that things with Fred and Alison are okay these days. They're very devoted to their daughter Tess. Howard said that he was going to give it a positive assessment right now. Howard said that Fred seems happy and they both seem to be getting along.
Howard asked Fred how the sex is. Fred said that it's good but they only get it maybe once a week now that they have a kid. He said that's pretty good for parents with a kid. Fred said that Tess might wake up in the middle of the night and that interrupts them so they don't always get to do that stuff.
Pete said that Fred is the lead singer of King Norris so there must be groupies. Fred said that it's usually a guy like Pete and other guys standing there with a six pack.
Howard asked Fred if he beats off. Fred said that he goes on the web and checks out some porn sometimes. He said that he'll go to YouPorn.com and bring some tissues to the computer with him to jerk off into. Howard asked about what kind he watches and they mentioned interracial stuff. Howard said he doesn't jerk off to interracial stuff. Fred said that he finds all kinds of people hot so he can beat off to interracial stuff.
Howard said that he likes Carmen Luvana but she hardly looks Hispanic to him. Fred said that he can't watch the peeing or shitting stuff like Sal can. He said that he's not into that at all. Artie said that he's not against the interracial porn but he is against it in real life.
Pete didn't think that Fred was having sex as often as he wants to. Fred said that he would like to have sex more often but he's not blaming his wife for that. He said that his life just isn't conducive to that.
Howard had some interracial porn clips to play. He wondered if he'd be able to beat off to it. Howard played the clip and it was a couple of guys banging some woman and telling her to take their N-word dicks deeper. The woman said that it was hurting her jaw. Then she started enjoying it and they started making fun of New Jersey. Artie wondered why they were goofing on New Jersey.
Pete was thinking that Fred's wife wants to be more slutty but Fred won't let her. Fred said that he's usually the one who initiates sex with her. Howard said that kind of bothers him. He said that she should be initiating it. Howard said that he and Beth are newlywed and they don't have kids around so that allows them to have sex more often.
Howard asked Fred how often Alison turns him down. Fred said that it's not often and if she does, it's for a good reason. Fred said that she ''probably'' gives him oral too. Fred said he prefers straight ahead pouncing on top of her. He said he'd rather just get down to business though.
Gary said that there is nothing worse than getting turned down for sex by your wife. Gary said that he and his wife had been working on this project for their song Lucas and it turned into their project instead. Gary said that it was a major thing and they were falling into bed exhausted. Gary said that it lasted about 2 weeks. Howard asked Gary how often he's having sex. Gary said that it's pretty much like every 2 weeks. He said that it's great when they do have it though.
Gary said that there were times when he was so exhausted that he didn't even want to have sex. Howard said that Mary is a great wife and she's so organized with that house. Gary got two cats and Mary was able to work them into the household so it was a smooth transition. Howard said that's what he admires about Mary. She's super competent and she can make things happen. Howard said that Mary's kids are going to grow up normal. Pete said they'll be gay but normal. Howard said that they're going to be normal.
Gary said that there isn't any wackiness going on in his house like there was when he was growing up. Howard said that a mother can fuck everything up if she's weak or can't discipline the kids. He said that they can love the kids but they had such a poor upbringing that they can't do a good job.
Howard said that Mary is great and he wonders how Alison is. Fred said that she's great too. Howard said that Mary is super competent with that whole thing. Howard said that he wouldn't be surprised if Mary is home rubbing that clit while she's home alone. He said that he thinks she has a lot of desire but she wouldn't cheat on Gary.
Gary said that Mary has told her that her secret desire is Matt Damon. Gary said that he knows that he doesn't look a thing like that guy though.
Pete asked Howard if he's saying that he'd like to bang Gary's wife. Howard said that's not what he's saying at all. He said that he just admires the way she does things and respects who she is as a person. Howard said that things won't fall apart in that household. He said that things will get better instead.
Gary said that Mary wanted to stay home and do that stuff and she's really home working and taking care of the kids.
Artie asked Gary what the project was that he was working on that was making them so tired. Gary said that the teacher had the kids spending a million dollars and making pie charts, cutting out pictures and stuff like that. Lucas decided to take a trip to Italy and they had to make phone calls to find out all of the prices and stuff so they were making phone calls, printing stuff out and doing all of that. Gary said that Lucas would come home from school and he wanted to play some games and stuff so they had to work around that to do the project. Howard said that if it sucks they should just let it be instead of letting it take over your life.
Gary said that Lucas was going into school early a few days a week just to work on this project and it was very stressful on him. Gary said that the presentation is on Friday and they don't know what kind of grade he's going to get. He said that he should have waited to talk about it until after the presentation.
Howard said he never got any help from his parents on stuff like that. He said that he did remember his father coming home and doing flash card things with him. He said that his father had a 4 hour commute every day and then he had to come down and work with him on these flash cards.
Howard said that he remembers his dad coming home and going into the living room with him to work on those things. He said his father would ask him what 7x8 was. Howard said his old man would scare the shit out of him and it did help teach him. He said he just had to memorize that stuff so his father wouldn't get pissed. Howard said his father hated being there with him and he didn't understand why he was so retarded. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that they canceled the Lingerie Bowl this year. The guys talked about the past years and how Angie Everhart was on in the second year of that event. They talked about the half time event that they're doing this year and how they haven't announced everyone yet. Robin said that they could end up with Bruce Springsteen and Britney Spears or something.
Howard said he had a bunch of things to play. He said that he had a new Crazy Alice call where she trashes Robin. Howard said he had a new Hate Man call as well. Howard said that Hate Man was upset with him about the Paul McCartney guitar and how he was upset about it not being a real one.
Howard played the Crazy Alice clip first. In that voice mail Alice was talking about her new ''coon neighborhood'' that she's living in. She then gave Robin a ''fuck you'' and went off on her about cheating on her weight loss. Then she called her some names and went off on her about the way Robin was picking on her way of saying arrivederci. She called Robin a pussy eating lesbian.
Howard played the Hate Man voice mail next. Hate Man went off on him about the Paul McCartney guitar and how he was complaining that it wasn't his personal guitar. Hate Man said that was the typical hebe and called Howard a stupid bastard. Then Hate Man went off on him about the way he says the name Beyonce. Hate Man then started yelling at Howard and called him a bunch of names before hanging up.
Howard wondered if that guy buys his own subscription or if they got him one. Gary said they don't even know that guy's name and they didn't give him a subscription. Howard said he would give Hate Man a show of his own but he's not sure the guy wants to reveal who he really is.
Howard said that Jeff the Vomit Guy left a voice mail and it sounds like he's got something going on in the middle of it. Howard played that voice mail and Jeff was in the middle of reading something that sounded like it was a resume or something like that. Then he says that someone put that stuff on the web maybe 4 years ago. Jeff said that maybe they could put him up on the internet again so he can get some women to vomit on him. He said that he'd like to get back on the show again too.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a Bulimia help center using Jeff the Vomit Guy audio clips. They had him asking for help with his vomit fetish and the woman was refusing to help.
Artie said that he had to shit at work yesterday and he was going to go into the ladies room but he wasn't able to go because he's so grossed out by Lisa.
The caller asked Lisa if she uses toilet paper or wipes. She said that she uses paper. Howard said that doesn't do the job and she has to be at work all day. Lisa said that she's clean. She said that she uses the big roll at Walgreens and it works fine. Howard asked how many times she has to wipe. She didn't know. Howard said that she must have remnants back there. Lisa said she's not sure why this stuff stresses him out. Howard said that it has to smell back there. He said that she can't be taking a shit and not stink back there.
Lisa said that they have a deodorizer in the bathroom that's on a timer and it always goes off when she's standing next to it. She said that she walks out of there with asthma.
Howard asked Lisa how she would get shit off her hands if she had it on them. She said she would wash it. Howard asked her why she doesn't wash her ass then. Howard asked her if she would have sex with a man after taking a shit. He assumed it would be a ''no'' and said that's why she has to use wipes back there.
Lisa said that she spoke to Bobby Flay about the Sal thing that they discussed yesterday. She said that Bobby remembered what Sal had said to them and Bobby thought that Sal was being respectful. Bobby claims that he took it as a compliment. Howard said he doesn't believe that at all. He figured that he was just being nice.
Lisa said that Mike Gange still hasn't taken swimming lessons after talking about doing that last year. He's 38 years old and he figures that he's going to die a non-swimmer. Howard said he really should work on that. So should Robin since she doesn't know how to swim. Robin said that she has taken lessons.
Lisa said that Brian Phelan works over at the U.N. as a freelancer some days after work. He has told her that he's allowed to smoke and drink on the job over there too. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Darnell was saying that he has a meeting in a couple of hours to go over what they're going to be doing in the game. Artie told Howard that they have to memorize plays and stuff like that for the game. He was talking more than Darnell even was.
Howard asked Darnell if he's getting any pussy right now. Darnell said that it's all business right now. Howard asked if he's beating that thing. Darnell just laughed. Howard said that Darnell is 23 years old so he must be horny as hell. Howard said that even he was knocking off 3 or 4 broads a day at that age.
Darnell said he has a girlfriend and he went to high school with her. He's still with the same chick he's been with since college. Howard told him to get out there and play the field. Howard said that he found it hard to believe that he was faithful to this chick. Darnell claimed that he has been though.
Howard asked Darnell how he's doing money wise. He said that he's doing fine. Howard asked if he has a plan for when he gets out of the NFL. Darnell said that he should be fine when he gets out. He might do some coaching or something. Darnell said that he's in his second year right now. He said that he's been playing for Pittsburgh those two years. He got out of Rutgers and went right into that.
Howard asked Darnell if he drinks at all. Darnell said they went out last night and had a good time. Howard asked him if he would say no if a chick came up to him and wanted to bang him. He said that he'd have to say no. He said that they can't have girls in their rooms anyway. They were out until about 3 in the morning last night. Howard said that sounds crazy to him but maybe it's not so crazy.
Howard asked Darnell if a BJ is cheating to him. He said ''probably not.'' Howard figured that he must be getting chicks to do that to him at least. Artie asked if there are any gay guys on the Steelers. Darnell said there aren't any.
Howard asked Darnell where he grew up. He said that he grew up in Union which is where Artie grew up. Artie and Darnell went to the same high school. Artie graduated in 85, the same year that Darnell was born.
Howard asked Darnell about the chick that he's dating. He found out that they met in high school. Darnell said that he didn't date white chicks because that's not his thing. He said that Hispanic chicks are okay though.
Howard asked Darnell if he does any predictions. Darnell said that he doesn't predict but they are being picked as the possible winner in the game by 6 points.
Howard asked Darnell if he ever cries. He said that he has shed some tears in some games but it wasn't a real cry. Artie kept asking questions about who his coaches were in Union and things like that.
Howard found out that Darnell is 310 ponds so he told Robin that she needs a guy like that. He said he's going to bring Robin down there and deal her out to him. Howard said that he's not going to the game this weekend but his father-in-law and brother-in-law are going.
Howard asked Darnell if he's at least 8 inches. Darnell said he's going to keep that a secret. Howard asked him if he ever gets ashamed by the size of it. He said that he doesn't even think about it. Howard said he'd worry about it because he doesn't want people looking at his penis. That's what kept him out of sports. Robin said that he doesn't play very well either so that's what's actually kept him out of it.
Howard said he admires Darnell. He said he had to work his way into all of this and he likes that about him. Howard said that the Steelers offensive line has come under fire this season and people were actually yelling at him when he'd go out shopping and stuff.
Darnell said that they had a lot of injuries this season so that was one reason for their offensive line not being as good as it should have been. He said that they knew that they had to just go to work and get better. Howard asked if the coach yells at them a lot. Darnell said that he doesn't curse and yell but he is a little bit stern with them.
Howard asked Darnell about his brothers who are also going to be playing football. One brother is in Rutgers now and playing.
Howard wished Darnell luck in the game and said that he didn't want him getting nervous thinking about him watching him. Darnell said that he should be okay with that since he knows that a lot of people will be watching him. Howard told him to mention his name if he does any interviews after winning.
Howard asked Darnell if he's going to propose to his girl if he wins. Darnell said that they're not quite there in the relationship yet. Howard said he pictures him not using a condom but Darnell said that he does use one, even with the girlfriend. Howard said that he must not want to get anyone pregnant.
Artie and Darnell talked about Union a bit and shared some stories about where they both went to school. Howard let Darnell go a short time later and told him to go out and win and dedicate that win to Howard Stern. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he had a clip of a news reporter laughing during a story about a murderer. He played the clip and the reporter was talking about this guy who killed his wife and she started to laugh when she saw the picture of the guy that they showed.
Howard wondered what Benjy was eating because it smelled like chocolate. Benjy said it was almond milk with coffee. Howard said that Benjy eats so much food. Gary said that he has a half gallon of chicken broth in there. Howard said that all he has to do is eat normal size meals and a couple of snacks and he'd be thin. Howard said that he doesn't know what almond milk is. Benjy said that it's actually chocolate flavored almond milk.
Howard said he didn't want to know anymore about Benjy and get sucked into that universe. He said that Benjy was classy though and sent Beth some nice flowers the other night. He said that he must have done that to apologize for being a pain in the ass at dinner.
Howard had some audio of this guy Burt Blyleven who was pissed about being passed over for the Hall of Fame. Howard played a couple of clips of Blyleven talking about being passed over and going off on the guys who pick the people to go into the Hall of Fame.
Howard said that he had another piece of tape of Blyleven cursing on the air one time when he claimed he didn't know they were on the air. He used the F-word and said he didn't know they were live.
Howard said that he had been trying to get to the AVN Awards clips that Gary went to. Howard had on clip of Gary interviewing Penny Flame who was a nominee at the awards. Gary asked her if she has ever vomited while sucking a dick. She said she had and she just sucks it right back up. She also talked about doing a chick in the movie one time and how she had cottage cheese come out of the other chick.
Gary also interviewed Kimberly Kane who went out with JD a couple of times. Gary asked her about vomiting while giving oral. She said she threw up French fries on a guy's dick one time. She said that she hasn't done that since then. Gary asked her if she has ever had an assgasm. She said that she has. Kimberly said that she and JD still talk and she had to give him a shout out. She said that she's newly single so she may get back with JD some day.
Gary said that he thinks that JD could get fucked if he just got out to L.A. Artie said that he was out there with him for business not too long ago and he didn't do anything. JD said that she was still with the boyfriend at that point.
JD said that he has work there and he can't just fly out to L.A. JD said that he has stuff going on there too. Howard asked if he has a girlfriend. JD said that it's very new and it's not really a girlfriend. It's nothing serious right now. Howard asked if the girl is aware of it. JD said that they just hang out and they have banged, ''kind of.'' JD said that only happened once though. JD seemed confused about the whole situation. He said that he didn't think the girl wanted him to talk about it. JD only said that Myspace is a wonderful thing.
JD said that he's not sure that she wants people to know who she is and that she's with him. JD said that these people message him and he ends up talking to them. Howard asked where they met. JD said that he really didn't want to talk about it. Howard asked JD why he has so much trouble with everything.
Howard said that no one is going to give a shit and no one will ever figure out who this chick is. JD said that other people know who she is and they may figure out who he's talking about. JD said that he thinks that the girl is about the same age as he is.
Howard asked JD when they hooked up. JD said that it was in December but it sounded like ''De Sumber'' so they thought he said ''the summer.''
Howard asked if this girl has a good figure. JD said that she does and they just watched a movie and hung out. Howard said he can't imagine that uncomfortable conversation with JD. Gary asked what movie they watched. JD said that it was a movie from Netflix. It was ''Burn After Reading.'' Howard said that was a good movie.
Howard asked JD if he talked to this girl at all. JD said that they did but he doesn't talk that much. He said that he may have been a little smoother than he is on the air. Fred was doing an impression of JD the whole time they were talking to him about this.
Howard asked JD who made the first move. JD said that it was him. He said that this was the second time they hung out watching a movie. The second movie was some stupid Italian movie that she wanted to watch. He said that his roommate was away that day. JD said he didn't even remember the name of the movie. They ended up turning it off in the middle of it.
Howard asked JD if he whipped the girl around and started kissing her. JD said he didn't know. Howard asked if she put the condom on with her mouth. JD was just mumbling and muttering through the whole conversation. He didn't want to talk about it but they kept asking questions.
Howard asked JD if he dresses the way he does there at work. JD said that he cleans up at home. Howard asked if he wore a rubber. JD said that he did. JD said he didn't know how many strokes it was either. Howard was asking if he ate the puss first. JD said he did.
Howard asked what they did after they fucked. JD said they just watched some TV, maybe some Seinfeld or something. Howard said it sounds like they watched a lot of TV. He said that he wonders if they have a conversation or just watch TV. JD said that they did talk a little bit.
Howard asked JD about the positions they were in and stuff like that. JD said that she ended up getting on top of him at one point because the position was kind of uncomfortable. Howard had JD all flustered and giggling and laughing about the whole situation. JD told Howard that the Miss USA chick was there so they should move on. Howard seemed more interested in talking to JD though.
Howard asked JD if the chick blew him. JD said that she did. Howard asked if she swallowed. JD didn't say. Howard asked him when he last talked to her. JD said he talked to her yesterday. He said that he thinks that she's still into him as far as he can tell. He said that they just text each other.
Howard and Fred were goofing on JD and the way he must call chicks to ask them to come over to blow him. Howard said that he probably says ''Gahhh.. your nipples feel like TiVo buttons.''
Howard asked JD if he has any pictures of this girl. JD said he didn't have any on him. He does have some pictures that he could get to if he wanted to. Howard was joking around about what it must be like when the girl asks JD if it's like work for him when he's watching a movie. He said that JD wouldn't have to pull clips from that.
Robin said that she's glad that JD is meeting people. Howard asked if she has a big ass since JD likes big asses. JD said he didn't want to give away too much about her but he thinks that she has a good ass. JD said that she sort of looks Hispanic but he didn't want to give more away. Artie said that she doesn't exist and he's just making all of this up.
Howard said that it's good if JD has a girl who can carry the conversation socially. Howard asked JD if the girl smelled good and all of that. JD said that she was good and she's not a criminal as far as he knows.
Benjy said that he thinks that he found this chick on the web based on the stuff he's said so far. Benjy gave him a name but he was wrong according to JD.
Howard said he didn't know this was all going on and asked how long it's been going on. JD said it was a few months. He said they just had sex the one time and that was just last week. Robin asked if he wants to see her again. JD said of course he does but their schedules conflict. Howard let JD go after that and said that he's announced that he's having sex. JD said he wasn't announcing anything like that.
Howard got back to the AVN Award clips and played Gary interviewing Ava Angelina. He asked her a bunch of similar questions that he asked the other girls. She talked about doing anal and having an accident that was like shitty water.
Howard said that Kelli McCarty was there so he had to get to her. He said he had to take a break first though. Howard said that Kelli sounded so innocent in those clips he was playing first thing this morning. Howard said that he was anxious to speak to her. He went to break after that.
Howard asked Kelli about working as an actress on a soap for 7 years. That was ''Passions'' which was on NBC but got canned. Kelli said that she was also on 90210 back then. Howard asked what she did in that show. She was a morgue owner in one episode. Kelli said she was on Melrose Place too. She was Amanda's secretary a couple of times. Kelli said that she auditioned for ''Son of the Beach'' but didn't get the part of BJ.
Howard said they were listening to her tapes from 1991 and she was so wholesome back then. She said she as straight out of Kansas back then. She won $250,000 in cash and prizes for that win. Kelli said she gave her boat to her dad and she won a car too. Kelli said that she was packed up the next day and moved out to L.A.
Kelli said that it was a real job and she was out on tour doing a USO thing and some charity visits and stuff like that. She said that there weren't a lot of parties going on because they keep you so sheltered. Howard asked who started calling her. She said that Jerry Seinfeld started calling her back then. That was before he was married. Howard asked if Seinfeld was on the air back then. She said that it was but she hadn't even seen it.
Howard asked Kelli about how the Seinfeld thing worked. She said that Seinfeld asked her out but she didn't know who he was at the time. She said that she did go out with him a couple of times. It wasn't that much fun though. She said that Jerry didn't get to bang her. Kelli said that Jerry was nice but kind of boring.
Howard asked Kelli if she was always sexual when she was growing up. She said that she always had a boyfriend. She said that she wasn't a virgin in the pageant either. She said that you won't find one virgin in that pageant.
Howard asked what was up with Seinfeld and how they broke that off. Kelli said that Jerry was mad because she wouldn't have him up to her place. She had a house mother so she wasn't allowed to bring him up. She said that they did kiss but that was about it.
Artie said that it's great when you hear about a hot chick dating a famous guy and not banging him. Kelli said that he probably doesn't even remember it. Howard said that David Spade and Pauly Shore must have called her too. She said that Pauly did call. She said that he was actually calling her parent's house. He was chatting up her sister and she was only a freshman in high school at the time.
Howard asked about David Spade too. She said that she ran into him at a place where she was getting a facial. Spade came in after her to get a facial. Howard asked if she banged Spade. She said that she did. Kelli said that he used a condom too. Howard said that he apparently didn't with Jillian Grace since she got knocked up.
Howard asked Kelli why she broke up with Spade. She said that they just dated a little while. She said that he had a big schlong too and Howard must have known that. Howard said he had no idea that he had a big one. She said she thought that it was a known thing. Howard said that Spade does get around.
Kelli dated Charles Barkley too. Howard asked her about that and then asked her about the porn thing. Kelli was married for a little while and then she got into the porn business. Kelli said that she woke up one morning and just wanted to see what it would be like being a porn star. She said she's not a big porn watcher but she started to do some research to see who she could work with. She picked Vivid based on the way they shot their movies.
Howard asked Kelli about her husband and found out that they were married for 8 years. Kelli said that they just grew apart but they're still friends now.
Howard asked Kelli how many chicks she's hooked up with in her life. She said it was about 3 and she started in her mid-20s. Howard asked her about this porno she made. It's the only one she's made. She said that she may make more.
Kelli said that she would have changed some of the lighting in the movie if she could have. She said that it is porn though so they shoot it fast. Howard asked if she keeps hair down there or shaves down completely. Kelli said that she keeps a little down there since the totally shaved thing is kind of out right now.
Howard asked Kelli if her boobs are getting saggy. Kelli said that she takes really good care of them and doesn't run. She said that running can make them sag. Kelli said that she does Yoga to stay in shape. She said that she is drenched in sweat after the class. She said that holding the poses can really give you a good work out.
Howard said that she's a natural D-cup but she doesn't appear to be chubby. Howard said that he was shocked. She said that it's Yoga that keeps her in shape.
Howard said that Kelli is in this movie ''Faithless'' now. He asked what her parents thought about all of this. She said that her mother backed her up in it and told her to do it if it was going to make her happy.
Howard asked about the rape scene in the movie that they played earlier. Kelli said that it wasn't really a rape scene but it was kind of crazy. Howard said he wants to see some of this movie. He's only heard it so far. You can find out more at KelliUSA.com or Vivid.com.
After that Steve the Intern came in and went off on Kelli about doing this porn after being Miss USA. He said that being Miss USA is a title that she should carry and be proud of instead of doing this stuff. Howard said that the whole Miss USA thing is a joke to him. Kelli said that she wasn't making a joke of it now but the great thing about this country is that she can do that and then go out and do porn.
Steve was flipping out on this poor girl over something ridiculous. He told her that she should lead by example and not be doing porn like this. Howard asked if she gets a lot of reaction like this. Kelli said that lately she has been getting a lot of this. Steve said that it's disappointing to him.
Steve said that this should mean something to be crowned with this title. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Steve is out of his mind and he has to wake up. She told him that every politician out there is getting something from a whore. Steve said that they're not doing it on film though.
Howard told Steve that this title is bullshit. Mariann said that every title is bullshit. Howard said that they take girls and put them on TV and make a ton of money based on them being dressed in bathing suits. Kelli went out and made some money doing porn and they shouldn't have anything against that. Steve said that he thinks that she should still be living up to the Miss USA title.
Howard asked Kelli if she would be invited back to do any stuff with the Miss USA thing. She said that Donald Trump owns it now but he won't have her back on. She said that she wouldn't go with Trump to Palm Beach when he asked and she thinks that's the reason for that.
A caller said that Seinfeld did an episode based on this girl. He said that they had an episode where Seinfeld dated a Miss USA type of girl and tried to bang her in the episode.
Another caller asked when she started doing anal. Kelli said that she doesn't do anal and she prefers not to do it. She said that she has tried it but she's not into it. The caller also asked what kind of panties she was wearing. She said that she was wearing ''hankie pankies'' but wouldn't show the guys what they looked like. She said that they can see it in her movie.
Howard said that he heard that Scott DePace doesn't believe that her boobs are real. She said that he can give her a hug to find out if they're real. Scott said that he didn't want to feel them, he just wants to see them. Scott said that they are gorgeous. Scott said that if he had to hug her he would do that. Scott took the hug and said that they felt real to him.
Benjy said that he could show that she's had plastic surgery on her breasts. Benjy went over and asked her to lay down. She said that she would tell them if she had surgery. Benjy said that he could press on her and show that there's an implant. He uses his elbow to demonstrate. Kelli said that he was hurting her doing it. Benjy was trying to show that there was an implant there but all he really wanted to do was elbow her boob. Scott said that he thought they were real.
Howard took some more calls and gave Kelli some more plugs for the web sites and stuff. He asked her if she would ride the Sybian. She said that wasn't her thing. She was asked if she swallows. Kelli said that she does. She said that she didn't blow Spade and he was all about the sex at the time. Howard wondered what that's all about.
Howard asked Kelli if she's into the blow job thing. She said that she doesn't mind it but she wants to just get into the sex thing so she's not into a lot of foreplay. The caller asked if she would go out with Artie. Howard said that Artie has it all going on so of course she would go out with him.
Kelli said that she would go out with Artie. She said she would go out and have drinks if he wanted. Howard said that he likes her and that she just wants the penis inside of her. Kelli said that she likes to last a while during sex though. She said that she didn't have any orgasms in the movie she did though.
Howard had audio clips of Ed Torian asking her if she has ever had a big cock in her ass and stuff like that. Kelli didn't know that it was just audio clips being played. Ed asked her if she would ever drown a kitten. She said that she's a huge animal activist. She didn't know what this guy was doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Kelli was actually his swimming instructor out in Kansas. Kelli said that she was an instructor out there because her mother owned a swimming school. The guy said he was only 3 or 4 at the time. He said that his dad told him that the dads never hesitated to go pick up their kids from her because of what she looked like.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that they should throw the Sybian at her head if she's not going to ride the damn thing. Yucko yelled that he hates his fuckin life and she has to get on that fuckin Sybian. Artie said that this poor guy had his wife leave him and his house burned down.
Howard said he had a million things to get to but he had to get to the news. Howard also had some e-mail to go through. He read through some of that stuff. He had an e-mail about Jeff Kent since they were talking about him yesterday. The writer said that he played for the Mets for 5 seasons. Artie said that he didn't know it was that long but Gary had corrected them yesterday. Artie said he was wrong and admits it.
Howard read some mail about Sal's mental condition and how he seems to have Aspburgers because they don't have the ability to act socially responsible.
Howard read some stuff about Sal's comments to Bobby Flay as well. He read through some of that stuff and people were saying that he should be fired over that stuff. Some people thought it was great though and Artie should be fired instead. The fans were going off on Sal about those comments to Bobby about his burgers being like pussy in his mouth.
Howard read some mail about the Britney Stevens game they played yesterday. The fans want her back on the show more. Howard said he got some comments about Scott DePace. Someone wrote in about Ronald Reagan and the ''landslide'' win that DePace thought he had won by. DePace said that he was talking about 1984 and this writer was talking about 1980.
Steve said that Lisa G has been welcomed back into the Black Cloud Diner (Scott the Engineer's studio) after she offered them a peace offering of some of her cookies.
Howard said that it must be a slow news day. He said he figured that Greg Fitszimmons crying on his show last night would have been the big news of the day. Howard played a clip from his show where Greg broke down in tears when he dedicated a song to a friend at the end of the show. He was saying goodbye to his friend Jay. Steve said that he almost cried on the air when he announced that Kenneth Keith Kallenbach had died.
Howard ended up playing a prank call that High Pitch Eric made to a store asking for ''twat cream.'' The woman at the store kept hanging up on Eric every time he called in and asked about the cream and how to get rid of the stink down there. Artie said that Eric is just a grotesque life form. He said that he hopes that someone puts him away because he's not sure that he belongs there with them.
Bobo called in and said that he tried to get into the hospital back when Howard was there with his wife while she was giving birth to Ashley. Bobo said that he actually got in there and got to see the baby. Howard said that he remembered that. Howard joked that Bobo cut the cord with him. Ashley's birthday was over the weekend so that's why Bobo had called in to talk about that.
Howard said that he was 40 when Ashley was born. He said that he didn't want to have anymore kids after that. Artie said that he's 41 now so he'd better get busy on that. Howard told him that he's got a lot of stuff to work out before he becomes a father.
Howard asked Artie if he tried that air cigarette that Jose Canseco brought in last week. Artie said that it was okay but he wouldn't do that on a regular basis. He said that they wanted to get him as a spokesman but he'd need some cash in hand to do that.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview next. Jon ran through the list of things they were going to cover today. They ended up talking a bit about JD's date and also about Steve the Intern's odd comments to Kelli McCarty. Fred ended up doing his impression of JD and goofing on him for a short time during that discussion.
Robin started off her news with a story about Madonna and A-Rod hanging out with Jerry Seinfeld and his wife over the weekend. Artie said that was creepy. Howard said that he'd love for them to come over and hang out at his house in the Hamptons. He said that he actually doesn't give a shit about Madonna and A-Rod. He said that Madonna is getting kind of long in the tooth at this point. Artie said that the whole thing is just horrible.
Robin read a story about Jessica Simpson who has gotten really fat. Howard said that she used to be really hot and he thinks that Tony Romo may just break up with her. He said that Jessica has become a cow.
Robin read a story about a coach at a high school whose team beat the other team 100-0. The guy got fired because he wasn't supposed to let the girls run away with the score. Howard said that's gay and ridiculous. The coach said that his girls won with honor and integrity and he's not going to apologize for that. Howard said that was a silly story. Robin said that the school apologized for their win. Artie said that this is political correctness out of control.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked who he's rooting for in the art world. He said that he mentioned the photography thing that they were discussing yesterday. Howard wondered what the question really was. The caller said that he paints live music across the country. Howard wondered how you do that. He said that he works with another artist and paints concerts. Howard told the guy that he's going nowhere with that. The guy said that they can see his work at 50DollarLunch.com. Howard said he bets that it's not that good. He asked the guy what he paints. By the time the guy said what it was Howard had it up on his screen and said that it looked awful. He said he was looking at ''The Fowl Brawler'' and said that it looked horrible. The caller said that he makes money doing that stuff and he's doing pretty good with it. Howard let him go a short time later and said that he's worried about that guy.
Robin told Howard about going out to see some violinist the other night and how quiet the audience stayed through the whole show. Howard said that's the worst instrument to learn because it's so not cool. He said he would never listen to that stuff.
Jackie said that he was sorry he missed his wedding. Howard said he hopes he didn't feel it was that odd that he wasn't invited. Howard said that Beth has no relationship with Jackie at all. Howard thought it would have been weird for Jackie to be there. He said that he loves Jackie but they really haven't had a relationship since he left the show. Howard said it is what it is and they just don't hang out now. He said that Jackie is a good guy though.
Howard said that Jackie will never admit that leaving the show was a bad idea but he knows that it was a big mistake. Jackie said that he's doing just fine and enjoying flying out to Sundance on a private jet. Howard asked Jackie how much he made last year. Jackie told him that it's not all about the money.
Jackie said he just wanted to call in and promote his show. He said that they're doing the 1st annual Milty awards tonight. Howard said that his sister loves Jackie's show. Jackie asked him to give her a hug for him.
Jackie said that he heard that Sal was being really crappy to him yesterday. Howard said that they do break his balls but they still love him. Jackie said that he doesn't listen to he doesn't know what's going on with them. Howard said that they love him.
Howard asked the guys if they wanted to hear a sample of Jackie's acting. Jackie said he didn't want to hear it, he wants to hear a sample of his radio show. Jackie got in a plug for his radio show ''Jackie's Joke Hunt'' that airs tonight at 7pm on Howard 101. Howard let him go after that.
The guys continued to talk about Jackie for a minute after that. Howard said he heard that Sundance has really gone down hill over the years.
Howard played a clip of Richard prank calling Jackie on an internet radio show. In the call Jackie was talking about getting paid to have fans come out and hang out with his friends. Then Richard calls in and goofs on Jackie by mistaking him for Jackie Mason.
Robin had a story about an 11 year old girl who may have run away with a 23 year old man. Robin had another story about a woman who gave birth to octuplets. She had 8 babies at once. Howard said that's just bizarre. Robin said that they had a 46 member medical team helping to give birth. Howard said it's the fertility drugs that turn these people into dogs giving birth to a litter of babies. Robin said that they were born 9 weeks prematurely.
Robin read a story about a guy who tried to have sex with a raccoon and the animal attacked the guy. Robin said that it was a guy over in Moscow who got his penis bitten off by the animal when he tried to have sex with it. They're trying to reattach the penis.
Artie asked Howard about these ''Ponzi schemes'' that are in the news lately. He wondered how they work. Howard told Artie how they work as far as he knew. He said that these guys take money from a bunch of people and they just use the money they get from other people to pay people the money they want to take out of their accounts. The Bernie Madoff thing failed when everyone tried to pull their money from him and he didn't have it all.
Robin read some news about the latest layoffs coming from major companies like John Deere, Home Depot, Caterpillar, UPS Airlines and more. Robin had a story about the government in Iceland failing because of this financial crisis.
Robin had some news about President Obama putting the middle east problems on the front burner. She had some audio clips of Obama talking about that. She also had some news about governor Rod Blagojevich and some audio clips of him talking about his fight.
Robin said that they're still fighting over the senate seat in Minnesota. Al Franken is still trying to take the seat but his competitor is fighting it. They're taking it to court now.
Robin had a story about the new ''Underworld'' movie that's out. She had some audio clips of someone talking about that movie. Robin had some audio clips of Dakota Fanning talking about her latest movie too. Howard wondered if she was going to be hot when she gets older.
Robin had a story about a study that was done to show that everyone is born with musical timing. She said that even the people who dance out of time to music were born with rhythm, they just lose it somehow. She said the study shows that infants can tell when a beat is missed. She said that it might be part of the hard wired network that human beings are born with.
Robin had a story about American Idol continuing tonight. She had some audio of Simon Cowell talking about the show and suggesting that the people who audition knowing that if they're not good that they will be ridiculed. Simon also talked about the purpose of the show being finding someone who can become a star. Howard said that Simon is really working that gig. He said that you'd think that he'd wake up in the morning and think that he'd be out of stuff to talk about. He has endless questions about the show though.
Robin had some news about the Travolta family extortion plot down in the Bahamas. She wrapped up after that and they ended the show around 10:30am.
Jon moved on to the Kelli McCarty interview and asked Gary about what went on with that. Gary said that they were trying to find out why she went into porn and they couldn't get a straight answer out of her. He said that Will was pointing out that doing porn is going to hurt her career after doing this.
Gary said that Kelli told them that she wasn't getting many calls to do acting stuff but there are a lot of actors out there like that but they don't turn to porn.
Jon asked JD what he thought of her acting ability and the porn. JD said that the porno was very weird and very plot driven. He said that she was doing some odd stuff by looking horrified and then acting happy the next second. He said that she did look good though. JD said that she was doing this thing where she was licking the guy's balls and stuff and she seemed to be enjoying that in the porno.
JD said the movie was put together kind of strange and the sound dropped out a couple of times. He thought that they had some weird cutaway's too. Jon asked him if he would have done it differently. JD said that he would have just wanted straight porn instead of a whole story.
Gary asked JD if he gets worked up watching those porn movies and what he does about it if he does. JD said he doesn't get worked up at work because he knows there's a camera right out in the hallway watching him.
Jon and Gary talked about the Pauly Shore mention during that interview and how he's been doing this stuff for about 30 years now. Pauly is known to be the guy who goes after the young models. Benjy said that maybe he does want to get married eventually but if he can have sex with the young chicks, why not do it? Benjy said that it works for some people. Gary found out that Pauly is supposedly turning 41 on Super Bowl Sunday.
Jon asked about Benjy's elbow test with Kelli. Gary said that it was very strange and Kelli was scared by Benjy when he went over there and asked her to just lay down. Benjy said he probably creeped her out. He said that he was making that all up just so he could feel her breast. He said that she was really hot and had a really great body up close. He said that her breast felt great on his elbow too.
Gary said that Scott DePace kind of squashed the idea of touching her breasts and he probably thought about what his wife would think if he had done that.
Jon also brought up Steve Brandano's comments to Kelli about her Miss USA title. Gary said that Will came to him with that and told him about what Steve was saying to him. Gary said that Steve was very serious about it and he sent him into the studio with it when he figured out that he was sincere. That led to them playing a clip from that segment where Steve was going off on Kelli for not taking that Miss USA title seriously.
Steve came in and talked about how that Miss USA thing doesn't mean anything to him but it does mean something to some people. He said that if you are a Miss USA then you should be a good example for girls growing up. He said that this chick is in porn getting slapped around and it's disgusting. Steve said that he was shocked when they called him a fag and a moron. He said that no one agreed with him when he went into the studio.
Gary said that she was Miss USA but that's not even Miss America. Gary asked what Miss USA even means. Steve seems to think that it means something. Steve said he thought that it's not a good role model who goes out and does porn.
Gary said he doesn't pass judgment on people who want to do that. Steve said he's not passing judgment on her for being a porn star, he's passing judgment on her being Miss USA becoming a porn star.
Gary asked Steve if he would be upset if he found out that Tom Brady was out doing blow. Steve said that he wouldn't be upset because he wouldn't be doing blow on camera to make money. He said that Miss USA is supposed to be a positive role model and that's why he's so upset.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that these guys don't have a lot of long term thoughts in this whole thing. He said that the country is going down hill and this is what the problem is with a Miss USA going into porn. The guy said that every American is looking for some kind of 5 minutes of fame. Gary said that there are people out there willing to watch it so of course there are people out there doing it. The caller said that they have to draw a line somewhere.
The caller said that he had a point to make about Robin too. He said that if Robin were taking out by a runaway coal truck tomorrow, he doesn't think that they'd lose any fans at all. Gary said that's a stupid question. He said that the show would be very, very different if Robin was gone from the show. He said that the show could go on but that doesn't mean that they can't go on. He said that Artie would be missed too and he asked the guy if people would cancel if he wasn't on the show anymore. The caller said that Robin is so annoying though so that's why he wouldn't care if she was off the show.
Another caller said that he sees Steve's point and he thinks that he has a valid argument. Gary said that he was talking to Steve and he was saying that she should be tied to that title for life. Steve said that she won that title and she is Miss USA for life.
Steve said that he understands how porn works because Amy Fisher can get into it. Steve said that he doesn't get why this Kelli has to go into it. He said that she was a Miss USA and that means something. Jon asked if they would be happier if she renounced her crown. Steve said that he would. So did the caller.
Another caller said it sounds like Kelli was just in it for the money. He said that she might not be taking money for sex yet but she sounded like she was just waiting for the right amount. The guy went off on her for a couple of minutes talking about how she's just getting older and she's trying to get money.
Gary said that he would understand it better if she was just doing it for money. The caller said that it's all bullshit and she's scum and a nobody and that's it. He said that she was representing the United States when she was Miss USA. Gary said he knows a guy who went overseas to represent the United States and did heroin.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that women like that either get into modeling or porn and there isn't a lot of modeling work going on right now. She said that she never looked up to those women as role models either. Steve said that it might be a big deal to some girls who see women like that show up to their schools.
Ralph called in and said that this is why he loves the show. He said that it's funny that this is what wakes Steve up on the show. Steve said he means what he's saying and he doesn't get why they're so upset about him talking about this. Ralph said that it's just another girl out there doing porn. He said that Steve is putting her up on a pedestal for looking good in a bikini. Gary said that they have to be good in school too. He said that it's looks, talent and community service.
Ralph said that it's nothing special to win Miss USA. Steve said that it is something special. Any girl would want to grow up and be Miss USA. He said that she competed against a lot of other women for that title. Ralph said it was just a dumb competition. Steve disagreed that it was dumb and said that it does mean something to a lot of people.
Ralph said that Steve getting so upset is weird and it's really no big deal. He said that there's nothing wrong with porn either. Steve said that she's profiting off of that Miss USA title and that's why he's so upset.
Gary said that if Ralph's sister was in porn then he'd be pretty upset. Ralph said that he wouldn't be happy. He said that Steve is saying that Kelli is evil for using that title for the porn thing and meanwhile the whole Miss USA thing is about looking good in a bikini.
Ralph said that he could understand Steve's point if she was really representing America but she's just a girl who came out in an evening dress as part of her competition. He said that 90 percent of that competition is about looks. Steve said that's fine. Ralph said that they're basically saying that you can only succeed if you're pretty. Steve said that it's all about the Miss USA title.
Gary asked Ralph if he can name a woman who represents the country. Ralph said Hillary Clinton. Ralph said that she would be disrespecting the country if she got into porn. The guys were arguing back and forth about all of this stuff when Steve said that one of those women came to his school one time. The guys wanted to hear the story after that.
Steve said that he was in elementary school at the time and he's not even sure who it was. He said that he wasn't sure who it was but Benjy figured that it could have been this chick. Steve said that she told the girls that they can accomplish what they want to in life. He said that's the whole point of this. He's just thinking about the youth in this country.
Ralph said that the story Steve just told tells him a lot about this argument he had today. Jon let him go after that.
Another caller said that Steve is placing some kind of mystical value on this Miss USA title. He said he doesn't get why it's that big of a deal. The caller and Steve argued about that for a minute. The caller said that there isn't anything that special with that whole thing. He said that anyone who was famous for something is going to take advantage of it later in life. He said that it's the same as these guys who won Heissman trophies doing Home Depot commercials and stuff.
Benjy asked Steve if he would have sex with that chick if she asked him to. Steve said he wouldn't because he doesn't like what she did. Steve said that he thinks that what she did was just wrong.
Gary told JD that he can't talk about having sex with a chick like that because he's got a chick out in L.A. just waiting for him and he won't fly out there. JD said that he once read an Onion article that had the title ''Man Flies 35,000 Miles For Sex'' and he doesn't want to be that kind of guy.
Gary asked JD about some of the stuff that he's done in his past like going to a strip club and spending $800 on one dancer. JD said that he didn't regret it until he was walking to the train.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Steve's point is a good one. He talked about how hypocritical she is and how there are other people out there who do stuff like that and take a lot of crap for it. Jon said that he gets Steve's point but he doesn't agree with what he's saying.
Jon said that he doesn't think that his daughters would look up to a Miss USA like Steve was making it seem like they would. Steve said he thinks that he's wrong about that. Gary asked Jon if she can motivate someone and still be a porn star. Jon said he's not sure about that.
Gary said that he thinks that a teacher can be a teacher all day long and be a stripper at night as long as the two things don't conflict with each other. Steve said that he agrees with that too.
Jon said that they're not holding that Miss USA title as high as Steve was. JD said that he never had anyone like that show up to his school. He said that he thinks the biggest star they ever had was McGruff the dog.
Jon took a call from a guy who told them to get ''Steve the fag'' out of there because this was turning into The View. Another caller said that this Miss USA thing is a made up title and they're not really out there representing the country. Steve said that the kids don't care about senators and stuff and they just care about My Little Pony and stuff.
The caller said that the Miss USA title is just a T and A show. He said that it's not that special. The guy said that there probably isn't anything in her contract that says she can't go out and do whatever she wants when she's done with her title.
Another caller said that what young girls are looking up to are Miss USA from last year or maybe 5 years ago, not from 20 years ago. Steve said that his point is that they don't want to think about the current one is going to be a porn star in 20 years. The caller said that the girls who look up to the current Miss USA will be 20 by then and they won't give a shit. They had to go to break after that.
Jon said that if they're not going to talk about that then they're going to talk to JD about his relationship. JD said that it's not a relationship, it's ''just a whatever.'' He said that they just talk and hang out and that's about it.
Jon asked JD how much he talks to this girl. JD said that he gets messages from cute girls here and there but most of them don't live around there. He said that they live across the country. JD said he's very shallow. He said that this girl that he was talking about today is very cute and she has a great personality.
Jon had Teddy play a clip from the segment where JD was talking about this new girl he's banging. Jon asked JD what was going through his head at the time. JD said he just wanted to get the hell out of there. He said that Howard had to ask him every little detail though. JD said that he thinks that Robin and Howard are happy for him but... whatever.
Jon took a call from a guy who suggested that JD get a nose job because he has one of the worst looking noses he's ever seen. He said he had one done and everything changed for him. JD said that he didn't notice his nose much. The caller said that your whole face changes when you get a nose job and it could help him out. JD said that he has never even thought about having anything like that done.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that JD kind of blew her off at the comedy show at Caroline's and JD just gave her a ''hey.'' She said that she was kind of hitting on him and he didn't do anything. JD said that he couldn't find her after the show. She said that she was hoping that she would come out and find her. She said that he was actually a nice guy. JD told her to find him on Myspace and he'll bang her. She said that she'll send him a picture of her boobs. JD said that he doesn't get that much. He said that he has to plead with women to send them pictures like that.
Jon asked JD about what kind of luck he had with chicks when he was younger. JD said that he met a cheerleader one time online and he met her in a public place and they hung out but nothing happened. JD said that she was kind of hot and it sucked that she was with someone else. JD said that he was 18 or 19 at the time.
Jon took a call from a guy who didn't know he was on the air and didn't get on the line. Jon had to bail on that call.
A caller told JD that he was really smooth with that chick earlier. He told him to just go down to Brazil and get laid and maybe he'll be more comfortable. The guy told him to go out and get laid more often with some wingmen or something.
Ralph called in again and suggested some stuff for the bumpers they run for the Wrap Up Show. He said that it's about time they give up on the joke of letting the stars say their names wrong. He said that the joke is done and it's time to have them say their names right.
Jon asked Ralph about the new love in JD's life. Ralph said that he can't articulate anything and he's not sure what's going on in his life. Jon said that they didn't learn much about this girl. JD said that SternFannetwork was able to find out about her. JD said that people in her life know who she is and what she's up to so they were able to figure it out that way. He said that they figured it out over at SFN.
Jon asked what kind of move he made on this girl. JD said that he joked around with her about making out and he brought that up when she came over. JD said that he wanted to get something out of the way and kissed her. Ralph figured that his move would be to drop a pill in her drink or something like that. JD wasn't too happy about that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked JD if he even wants a woman. He said that he thinks that if he really wanted one he would go get one. JD said that he's not looking for a serious relationship but he's not very social. The caller asked why he doesn't want a serious relationship. JD said that he just doesn't.
JD said that it all depends on the girl but he's just not looking for a long term thing right now. Jon said that he seems to be happy where he is now so he's happy for him.
Another caller said that JD can't articulate two words in one sentence. JD said he knows that. The guy asked him why he doesn't get some help to help him communicate with the world. JD told the guy that he's not good on the air because he's always thinking too hard before he speaks. JD said that they talk off the air and he's able to speak because he doesn't have to worry about repercussions about what's being said on the air. He said that he's fairly quiet with people he doesn't know.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he lived in New York for about 8 years and it's very expensive to take someone out on a date there. He said that he remembers going out on a date and it would cost him $100 easy. JD said that he just doesn't go out much. Jon said that he's going to have to take this girl out and do something other than watch a movie at home. JD said he'll have to wait and see.
The caller asked Jon who he likes in the game. Jon said that he's thinking the Steelers are going to take it but he didn't want to jinx anything. He and the caller spent a minute on that.
A caller said that Ralph was being just as inarticulate as JD is when he called in earlier. Jon said that JD thinks about everything he's going to say before he says it and that can make someone stammer. He thinks that it's become a great bit on the show though.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he's glad they're getting off of JD even though he could talk for hours a day. The caller said that he's glad that Howard cut Artie right off about the Union, New Jersey stuff when he was talking to Darnell. The caller wondered if they noticed that Howard cut him off. Jon said that they did notice that Howard cut him off. The caller said that Artie tried to get back into it later on and Howard wasn't going for it.
Jon said that it is kind of cool when you find out that someone is from your home town. The caller said that he loves Artie but he goes off on these tangents and he sounds like he wants to bend them over.
Ralph called in and said that he wanted to point out how stupid people are. Ralph said that he wasn't calling in to make fun of JD being inarticulate and he wasn't making fun of JD. JD said that he wasn't making fun of JD's stammering though. JD said that he was making fun of him for something but he didn't remember the comment. Ralph told JD that he loves him.
Ralph said that he thinks that Arizona is a lock in the Super Bowl. He said that they're such a lock and they have such a better story than the Steelers.
Another caller said that he wishes that someone would slip Ralph a pill. He said that he's called in like 3 times today. Jon said he likes it when Ralph calls in because he mixes it up on the show.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he's a big fan of JD's and the people that don't like him are all wrong. The guy said that he thinks that JD has some cool moves off the air when he's not on the air. JD said that he's not cool at all and anyone who hangs out with him can see that. Teddy said that he has dance moves. He said that a lot of guys won't dance but JD will and he's good at it. Teddy said that JD is just a frustrated guy.
Jon asked JD about the Kimberly Kane clip they played today. JD said that he has been out there at the AVN awards and it's sex everywhere. He said that he was out there at the expo and there wasn't anything that crazy going on there. He did have some women whipping him there though.
Jon asked JD how Gary did on the red carpet. JD said that the questions all had to do with blow jobs and anal so he's not sure. Jon asked JD if he thinks that Gary knew who Kimberly Kane was before she mentioned JD. JD said that he's not sure but maybe.
Another caller said that they have to get Ralph in there to fill in on Tuesdays because it's too much JD. He said that he can't take it every Tuesday like this. He said he'd rather have Ralph in the studio.
Jon took another call and that guy said that guy was a dope. He asked JD if he did the popcorn trick with his date. JD said that he doesn't know how the popcorn trick works. The guy told him how to sick his dick in the popcorn box and when the girl sticks her hand in there she grabs a handful of JD cock. JD said he's not sure when he would do that and how it would all work out.
Another caller asked if 3 calls in an hour is a record for Ralph calling in. Jon said that it's not a record and he always mixes it up when he calls in. The caller asked if they play fantasy baseball there. Jon said they've never had a league there but that may change this year. He said that Scott the Engineer is a huge fan of that stuff and he probably puts more time into that than he does with Emergency Now (his son's band). Jon and JD had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about it being a snowy day there in the city. Howard said it's hard to get around in and he has to go out to Long Island today. He said that it's going to be bad. Robin said that it's supposed to turn to ice later today too. Howard said he was exhausted already and the day just started. Howard said that he tries to live in the moment but it's really hard.
Howard said he was reading the paper and there's some fucked up stuff in there. He saw a picture of Brad Pitt and now he feels sorry for him. He said he and Angelina were walking through the airport with 5 kids in tow. He said that has to be miserable. Howard said he's got 5 kids and he's walking around with them and it has to be awful. He said that he has to be tired of dealing with that with Angelina Jolie.
Howard said that he was talking to JD about the girl that he was talking about yesterday and he was saying that he's not looking to settle down.
Howard got a letter from this chick that wants JD really bad. He read through some of that and the woman said that she saw JD down in Florida at Artie's comedy show and book signing. The woman said she found JD attractive and she hugged him down there. Howard said it sounds like maybe she's not JD's type. The woman said that she claimed to have met Artie's road manager but Artie said that he doesn't have anyone working for him by the name of Sal so she may have been scammed. Howard said he wasn't able to get through the whole letter because it was so long.
Howard asked JD if he remembered this girl at all. JD said that he did remember her. Howard asked if he was hot for her. JD said he had plans with other people. JD then said that he wasn't attracted to her. He wasn't bad mouthing her though. He said that she was very thin and he wasn't sure what the turn off was. He didn't want to say. Artie said he thinks that she may have been an older chick. JD said that she was older. He was trying not to sound like a douche but he was mumbling and not giving coherent answers.
JD said that he may have met another girl at a bar down there. He said that nothing happened with her though. Robin asked if JD has an age cut off or something. JD said he doesn't, he just wasn't attracted to that woman.
Howard told JD that she sounds like a good person after reading the letter. JD was just laughing and mumbling. Howard said that you do have to beware of some of these women who give every single detail of their life. He said that this woman was very detailed in her letter. Howard said that women need to just be succinct and get to the point in a conversation. He said he doesn't want to spend all day in a conversation.
Howard told JD that he may have to get this woman on the phone so they can break the news to her. Howard read that she was going to be at another show in March down in Tampa. Artie said that she's indirectly paying JD's salary on the weekends.
Howard said that JD isn't that particular. JD said that if he doesn't feel anything for someone he can't just change his mind. He kept saying ''I don't know'' so Howard asked him why he says that so much. He told JD he needs to work on that. JD said he knows he has to work on a lot of things. He can only focus on what he needs to deal with. Howard asked Gary to get this woman on the phone.
Howard said he got a screener of ''Gran Torino'' and he really appreciated that since the movie studio won't send him a copy. Howard said that this listener sent him the copy because he had an Academy Award screener. Howard said he doesn't get why these studios won't send him a copy. Howard thanked ''Starman'' for the copy. Artie said he's met that guy before. Howard said that the guy took pity on him and sent him the copy.
Howard waited for Gary to get this woman on the line. Gary came in a short time later and said that there was no answer.
Artie said that there are a lot of older women down in Florida who show up at these events and they've had bad plastic surgery and they're very loud. He wasn't referring to this woman, he was just talking about some of the people down there in Florida in general.
Howard said that there are a lot of women out there who can't find a decent guy because guys are so fucked up. Howard said that JD won't go out with anyone less than a model because he thinks that he's hotter than he is.
Howard said that they must have a really screwy government down there in the Bahamas. He read through some of that article and talked about how messed up that is.
Howard said that ''American Idol'' is so gay but he watches it. He said that they had one girl on the show who had a record contract before she went on the show. The fans think that she's a plant even though her career failed. Howard said that they had one like that last year and she didn't end up making it to the end of the show. Robin said that people take that very seriously.
Howard said he's into The Bachelor lately. Robin said she saw some of the girls on the show and they really hare heinous. Howard talked about how there's no way that this dude can't get a chick. He said that he's a good looking dude and he could get chicks in real life instead of on TV.
Howard said he watched ''Sober House'' last night too and Steven Adler is a fucking lunatic. He said the guy didn't look like he was having any fun on heroin. Howard said that the guy is a big baby and the whole world is mental.
Howard said that he was watching ''American Idol'' last night and the people on that show were mental too. He said that Paula Abdul went nuts talking about how no one was listening to her opinion on that show. Howard said that she's lost her mind. He said that everyone is nuts now.
Howard said he had a copy of Rolling Stone for Artie. He wondered if he wanted a copy. Artie said he had several. He said he likes his name above Springsteen's.
Howard said he had an article that he got back in October. It was a story about a dentist giving a breast exam with a 23 year old patient. Howard read through the article and saw that they actually gave the dentist's address. Howard said they should go there.
Howard read the article where they talk about the dentist's excuse for giving the exam to this woman. He may have given other women exams as well. Howard said that the guy may have gotten away with those other exams. Howard said he had been sitting on that article for some time. Howard said his dentist never gave him a breast exam. He said he loves his dentist, Dr. Kaufman. He said that he was even at his wedding.
Robin said that her dentist doesn't hurt her so she likes her's. Howard said he's lucky that way too. Robin said that she had one guy who almost killed her with a root canal. Howard said that he sent Ralph to his guy and he's a big baby about that stuff.
Robin said that when she had her root canal she was numb on one side of her face for a year. She said that she was on vikodin and oxycontin for a long time because of that.
Howard said that Robin seemed to be happy to see him this morning when he came in. Robin said she was happy but not anymore.
Howard said that Richard called a Chinese Restaurant and used some Casey Kasem audio clips to make a prank call. He said that it is kind of brilliant that they used those clips to prank them. He had Casey using numbers to pick the food on the Chinese food list. Richard had Casey ordering every number on the menu from 1 to 10, out of order. Then he counted backwards from 10 and then had the woman read off all of his stuff. Richard had Casey answering her about each one and then he had Casey ask her to repeat the whole thing. That's when she hung up.
Howard said that the food at Chinese restaurants is really fattening. He said that he'll order some stuff and keep the sauce on the side because it's so fattening. Howard said that he prefers it that way so it's not slathered in it.
Howard said he and Beth order Chinese every Sunday night. He said that Beth will ask them to put the sauce on the side and they repeat after her ''sauce on side'' like they understand it. Howard said they seem to have a new person every week there though. Howard said that this past Sunday Beth called and said that they wanted everything ''sauce on the side.'' The woman said ''Sauce on side... so bland, so bland...'' Howard said that Beth kept saying that she wanted it on the side and the woman there said that the only person that wants the sauce on the side is Howard Stern. Beth didn't even tell her who she was. Howard said that he can't be the only person who does that but they told Beth that he was the only one.
Artie said that they had Dave on during Howard's 50th birthday. Artie said that Letterman didn't want to be there and he even asked if he didn't have to be there during the show.
The caller asked Artie if he's going to go back to the Tower Theater for some shows. Artie said that he's going to be there on the 21st of February.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what's going on with the Eric the Midget Real Doll. Howard said that they take a long time to make apparently so that may take a while to get.
Howard said that Eric the Midget revealed something on his show last night. He said that he revealed that his roommate catches him beating off.
Howard played a clip from Eric's show where his TV was turned up way too loud. In the clip there was a lot of dead silence while Eric and his crew were doing their big show. Eric then told everyone that they were in Jacksonville, Florida on Idol. Howard said that they didn't edit the clip at all and there was a lot of dead air on the show.
Howard said about an hour into the show Eric revealed that his roommate has caught him jerking off. Eric was asked if he had ever caught his roommate doing anything to himself. Eric said he didn't but then Eric said that maybe he had been caught.
Howard said that the show is like CB radio. He said that they had something interesting there and they didn't bother elaborating on it.
Howard said that he asked JD to watch that show and record it since it's too dull for him to stay up and watch. Howard said that Eric waited on the phone all morning to promote the show and he didn't let him on.
JD came in and said that Eric has an ECW and a T and A wrestling show that he does. JD said that he has other hosts when he does those shows. JD said he can barely handle this one though so he doesn't watch the others. JD said that the clips he pulled are too boring anyway.
JD said that the co-hosts yell at Eric for talking off air more than he does on air. Howard played another clip from one of the shows where the co-hosts (King and Gina) asked Eric if he had anything to say before the end of the show. King said that Eric has nothing to say on the show but he calls the Stern Show every day and talks.
Howard said that Eric doesn't want to talk about what he's watching. He said that he's not like Scott Ferrall who can watch a game and comment on it. Eric needs to watch the show and then comment on it after. Howard said that Eric loves the show and he wants to watch it instead of commenting on it.
Artie said that he's rooting for the Steelers. Howard said he'll root for them too but may not watch. Then he said that he might have to watch for the commercials and stuff. Howard said he'll probably end up watching.
Gary came in and said that he knows Howard wants to play chess but he could do that all day and then watch the game. Howard said he'll see what happens. Gary said that Beth is going to be into the game because it's Pittsburgh. Gary said that he's having a small party over at his place but he's told his friends that they have to leave after Bruce Springsteen performs.
Gary said that he has 8 chairs in his home theater. He also has some stools there. Howard asked Gary why he has stools there. Gary said that he built the theater that he wanted, not the one that Howard wanted. Howard told him not to get defensive. Howard said that it's not a theater. Gary argued with Howard for a minute about it. Howard kept saying that it was a stupid set up. He said that no one would put a slab of granite in a theater. Robin said that she's been to places that sound like what Gary was describing and it wasn't that bad.
Gary was saying that he and his wife were talking about what kind of chairs to get and they figured that they could have their guests sit in the shitty chairs. Gary said that they didn't just put in stools. They have 8 chairs in there too. Artie said that he wouldn't want to be stuck in a stool. Howard said he guarantees that Gary will take out the stools and put in a couch.
Howard said that they're lucky enough to go to these private studio theaters and they let you sit in really comfortable couches. Gary said that he has those type of chairs there in his house. He said that it's rare when someone gets stuck in a stool. They're all going to be moving around too. Robin said that Gary should be watching this game in the Man Cave and not in the theater. Gary said that he's got a 130 inch screen in the theater so of course he's going to watch it in there.
Howard told Gary that he should be sitting in the stools if he's having the party at his house. Gary said he will be moving around through the whole game. Howard told Gary that he should have fit in another 4 seats instead of using stools. Gary said he's not sure that they could have fit in that many more.
The caller asked the guys if they had ever been to a live Super Bowl game. Howard said that Artie had. Artie said that he was young at the time and he had bet on the game so it was kind of cool but it was really a nightmare. Artie said that the timing was good and he had just done a movie out in L.A. and they gave him tickets to the game. He said he spent about a week down there in Miami back in 1999. Artie said that it was still a pain in the ass and he would have rather have been at home watching. He had gotten everything for free so he should have liked it more.
Howard said he and Beth had gotten her father and brother tickets to the game. Howard said Bubba called and wanted to put Beth's father and brother up for the game down there. Howard told Bubba that he didn't have to do that but Bubba insisted that he wanted to do it. Beth and Bubba ended up writing back and forth and Bubba refuses to let them pay for the rooms so now Bubba is paying for that stuff. Howard said that Bubba got a bunch of rooms for people down there and he's giving up a room for Beth's family.
Gary wondered if Bubba is scalping the hotel rooms. Howard said that's not what he's up to, he's doing it for friends and family so they have a place to stay down there.
Howard said he thinks that Bubba and his father-in-law are going to hit it off down there. He said that they're almost like the same guy.
Gary said that the airlines are getting really bad these days. They're charging for everything. Gary said that he flies Jet Blue and he likes to sit in the first 8 rows so he can get off the plane fast. They charge you $20 extra to sit there. They charge for more leg room and every other little thing. Howard said he used to ask for the bulkhead. Gary said that will cost you extra. Gary said they charge you more to carry your bags on too. Howard said that everything is going to hell in a hand basket.
Howard took another call from a guy who wanted to commend him for the interview with the Pittsburgh player yesterday. Howard thanked him for that. Howard said that he won't be having a lot of sports talk interviews on this show. He said that was an exception yesterday with Darnell Stapleton. The caller said that he's looking forward to another 5 year contract after this one. Howard said that you never know what's going to happen.
Another caller asked if Howard missed some therapy sessions. He said that he's all over Gary about that set up. Howard said that he's not angry, Gary just does things wrong. Robin said that she was on Gary's side until Gary said that he wanted to make sure that he sits in the comfortable seats when he has people over.
Howard said that Gary ends up getting pissed at him when he starts tweaking him. He said that Gary revealed that he wants his guests to sit in the shitty seats there instead of having all great seats in the theater. Gary said that most of the time the set up is fine and everyone has a seat that's good. Howard said that he could have had 100 percent of the seats comfortable.
Howard said that he likes how Gary's wife makes him sit in the shitty seats. Howard said that Gary is the one who paid for that shit and he's being forced to sit in the uncomfortable seats.
Howard played a new Baba Booey song parody to the tune of ''Surfin' Bird (Bird is the Word).'' Howard said that this is the craziest theater he's ever heard of. He said that Gary could have put in comfortable chairs in the theater but he put in 3 stools instead.
Howard wondered what Gary is eating in his theater. Gary said that they have a counter that people can put food on while they watch TV. He said it's funny to hear him making fun of all of this.
Howard and Robin continued to goof on Gary about the theater. Howard said that if Artie showed up they'd have to give him one of the comfortable seats and shove someone else into the uncomfortable seats. Howard said that Gary knows he's right and he will never admit it. Gary said that he doesn't know the pain he's feeling, it's really ripping him apart.
Howard said that Gary should just rip out the stools and put in some more comfortable chairs. Gary said that they talk about where the wheel will land when they don't have any guests on the show. Gary said that he was wondering where it was going to land today since they didn't have any guests scheduled to come in.
Howard asked Artie if he agrees with him on any level. Artie said that at first he thought he was being harsh on him but then when he said that it was 3 stools, he thought that it was awful. Artie said that he would be disappointed and he'd have to agree with Howard on this one.
Robin said that Gary convinced her that Howard was right when he talked about having to sit on the stools when his neighbors came over. Fred agreed with her on that. No one else came in to defend Gary.
Howard said that he can't imagine anyone else coming in to defend Gary. Benjy said that he did want to say that maybe he could have the bar and some comfortable chairs. Gary said that he didn't have room to have the bar and more comfortable chairs. Benjy agreed with Gary on having the bar in the room. Howard said that Benjy is such an asshole, he just wants to be different and he knows that he's right. Howard said that Benjy wasn't even agreeing with himself, he's such an asshole.
Howard said that Benjy explained why he was late to dinner recently and his explanation was just dumb. Howard played the clip and Benjy was telling Jon and Gary about why he showed up 30 minutes late to dinner. Benjy said he was looking at the dinner as being a casual dinner with friends. Gary told Benjy that Howard hates lateness and he should know that.
Howard said that Benjy had no reason to show up late and he was going to ask if he could come 30 minutes late for no reason. Howard said he doesn't want to wait 30 minutes for someone to show up. Howard asked Benjy if he would have showed up 30 minutes late if he had started the dinner at 7:30 instead.
Howard said that everyone else rushed to get there on time but Benjy wasn't in any rush. Howard said that Benjy has his own rules for when he shows up and they don't make any sense. Howard said that it's just like the Gary thing and everything with Benjy is dumb. He has to be the one who is different on the show. Howard said he hates Benjy. He said he respects him for his talent but he's dumb.
Howard said that if Benjy was home working on a cure for cancer he'd excuse him. Fred did his impression of Benjy and said that he wouldn't work on a cure for cancer, he'd have to do something else.
Gary said that Howard turned to him and asked ''where the fuck is he (Benjy)'' at about 7:15. Howard said that Benjy should just show up on time. He said that he's never inviting him to anything else.
Robin said that Benjy never has a yes or no answer, it's always some weird explanation for why he can't make it.
Howard said that Benjy doesn't have any friends because of this. Benjy said that he has lots of friends, more than Howard does. Howard said that the whole Gary thing is dumb and Benjy is retarded. Howard said that even Artie is laughing at Benjy.
Artie said that Benjy couldn't have possibly thought that it was going to be a casual dinner when Howard threw the party at Danielle, a very expensive place. Howard told Benjy that he has to change his ways because people aren't going to put up with it. He said that his rules are stupid and he can't just think that he can show up late because there are more than 4 people there.
Robin said that everything with Benjy that night was a problem. His ordering, his food, the time it took him to eat and all of that was a big hassle. Howard said that Benjy didn't eat his meal with everyone else and then he held them up from their desert time because of that. Howard said that Benjy can't read the room and he has to use his head and read the room so he knows what's going on. Artie agreed with Howard on that.
Benjy said that Howard is trying to make everyone comfortable but then he goofs on people when they don't do things the way he wants them to.
Howard said that Benjy even showed up late to Lisa G's cookie party. He showed up as they were cleaning up. Gary said that Lisa had said that Benjy showed up with some strange person. Howard asked Lisa if that was the case. Lisa came in and said that Benjy showed up at 11:30 that night. She said that she didn't remember saying anything about his date though. She said that Benjy was with a cute girl.
Artie said that's the creepiest thing he's ever heard. Lisa said that Benjy was doing a good job deflecting. Artie told Lisa that she's just trying to be outrageous. Lisa said that's not true.
Howard asked Lisa what pictures she sees that she can see a guy's cock. Lisa said that you can usually see something when you see that area down there. Howard checked himself out and said that there was a little bit of a bulge there. Robin told Artie to stand up and show his area. He was wearing sweat pants so there was something there.
Lisa did her news preview and said that she spoke to Mary Dell'Abate yesterday and she told her that she and Gary had been in a fight since New Years. Gary said that the thought the fight was over. He didn't know that they were still fighting. Gary said that some words were exchanged and they called each other names. He said that he called her a really bad name. He said that he mouthed the C-word to her and that didn't go over very well.
Gary said that the fight was really dumb and childish. It was over something about this ski house they rent. Gary said that he told her that he doesn't pay a lot for it but he's glad that he doesn't own a place up there.
Lisa said that Beth was talking about how they don't fight about anything. Howard said that there's no reason to fight with Beth. He said there's just nothing that's worth fighting over.
Howard and the guys ended up talking about skiing and a story about the Kennedy's playing football on skis. Howard did his Kennedy impression while they were talking about that.
Lisa said that Underdog Lady is upset about a Dracula Ballet that's going on. She also has a story about Wendy the Retard losing her wallet with her ID in it. Howard said he has a voice mail from Wendy about that but he really had to take a break.
Howard said that if he ever goes to Gary's house he's going to demand the good chair. Gary told him to hold his breath. Howard said that he doesn't want to get stuck with the bad chair.
Howard asked what would happen if they all went over to Gary's house and had to pick a chair. Gary said that Robin would have to watch from the Man Cave since she thinks it's stupid to watch in the theater. Gary said that he's going to give his guests the best chairs there. Gary said that his wife is the one who makes him give up the good chairs.
Gary said that Mary takes one of the stools too. He said that he'd make Sal take the other stool if they had all of them over to the house. Gary said he'd have to keep an eye on Sal.
Gary was about to sneeze so Howard stopped and said that he had just made the strangest face. Gary didn't sneeze though. Gary said that he had just done an hour and a half on him and 10 minutes on Benjy so it was time to break. Howard said he was going to come back and do it some more.
Howard played a song parody that Sal had already come up with about Gary's fucked up home theater. They got that one done very quickly. They went to break after that.
Howard said that he always liked Steven Stills and bought all of his solo albums. Gary asked Fred to fast forward through the song but Howard told him not to do that. He said that would be as bad of an idea as putting three stools in a home theater.
Fred said that Steven did a lot of the musical instruments on the first Crosby, Stills and Nash album. He said that people don't really know that. The high part of the song came so Artie pointed that out. Gary said that he gets even higher. Howard said it's amazing that he's singing the song and playing guitar all by himself.
Howard let the song play through and sang along to it some more. Howard said that they should take that track and do Stills, Norris, Stern and Lange. Howard said that its' one of the most beautiful songs he's ever heard.
Howard told the guys he just wanted to hear the whole song so he let it play through. Howard asked Robin if she gets hot when she hears a song like that. Robin said that Steven isn't much to look at now but back then she may have. Howard said that this guy must have gotten a lot of great pussy back then.
Gary said he met Steven Stills once back in 1988 or so. He said that he was in the press room and the band was coming up to talk. He said that Steven took both hands and pushed him out of the way as he said ''get the fuck out of the way.''
Howard said that he saw that they have a new Papa John Phillips album. He passed away but they're putting out new stuff. Howard was going to play some of the new CD but he had trouble opening it up. Gary helped him out and got it opened for him.
Howard said that they had Papa John on the show in the past. Artie said that when he performed live on the show it was amazing. He said that he performed this song ''Fairy Tale Girl'' and that was one of his most favorite musical moments on the show. Gary said that he had Jon Hein put that song on his iPod for him because he liked it so much.
Howard said that Papa John was a really self destructive person. He said that they had him on the show with Steven Tyler one time and Tyler suggested that they collaborate on something and John looked at him like he was out of his mind.
Sal came in and said that Scott is so full of shit. Scott told Sal to just run to Howard and tell him everything. Scott told Sal that he's such a fuckin' asshole. Sal said that Scott is always telling him stuff like that in the halls.
Sal said that Scott drove him home one time and they saw a limo out on the road and Scott gave one of his ''Chh'' sounds and then said ''Look at my limousine.'' Howard said that Scott even got pissed that he didn't mention his name when he was coming up with the imaginary list of names for going over to Gary's house to watch a movie.
Howard booted Scott out and got back to the Papa John album. Howard was going to play something off of the album but bailed on it after a few seconds. He said it was the wrong road to go down.
Howard said that he was listening to Bubba's show yesterday and Bubba was talking about being sued by some other DJ. He said that Ronnie tried to explain to him what was going on but he didn't understand what the hell he was talking about.
Ronnie came in and tried to explain it again but his explanation was just like what Howard had just described it as. Ronnie didn't know all of the details, just some of the stuff. Ronnie said that Bubba had set up some injured kid with some plastic surgery and the other DJ is getting in on the whole thing and Bubba is pissed at the guy. Howard got enough of the story to kind of get it. He said that his head was spinning from it all yesterday though.
Gary came in and said that Ralph has an HD TV in his house but he doesn't watch any HD programming. Ralph said that he does watch Blu-Ray movies. Gary said that Ralph is too cheap to pay for cable. Ralph said that he's not looking to pay $100 a month extra to have a picture that's a little better.
Howard told the guys to take this up on the Wrap Up Show. Gary said that Ralph doesn't generate anything all day long but he has a plethora of opinions.
Howard said he had a bunch of Home Theater songs coming in already. He played the song that Sal created that he played a little earlier. Howard said that they had enough of that and it was time to move on.
Howard took a call from a guy who used to be in the home theater business. The guy said that he used to let people spend their money on whatever they wanted if they were assholes. If he had a customer who was nice he'd talk them into making it just a theater and not for eating in. He said that the theater is for watching a movie and not eating. The guy said that it's not a nightclub, it's a theater. Howard said that they try to turn it into something more than it is. The caller said that he used to be in the business so Gary made sure he pointed that out.
Howard said that you build a room for a purpose. A theater is for watching movies. Gary said that Howard had just said that they had talked about it enough. Howard said he didn't know that a home theater guy was going to call in.
Howard told the caller that he was going to build a swimming pool in his den. He said he was just trying to consolidate all of that stuff. The caller said that he'd tell Howard that was a great idea. Then the guy talked about his son and what a huge fan of the show he is. The guy said that he has to fight with his wife to let him listen to the show. Howard said that he'd like to talk more but he's in the middle of setting up a shooting range in his kitchen.
Howard said that Sal's ''Show in the Hallway'' are gaining more and more fans and it's the number 1 most viewed show. Howard said that the show is so big that he can't even get on it.
The caller said that he was watching some of the roasts that they have up there now. He said he was watching the Daniel Carver roast and thought it was funny that Daniel wouldn't get out of Robin's booth. He said that Sal was wearing a mask on that show that was hilarious.
Howard took another call from a guy who was stuttering as he was talking about Gary's home theater. Howard asked how it was that they had never spoken to him before. He seemed to like the stuttering. Howard asked if this was his first call to the show. The guy, Billy, said that he had called before but he doesn't get on much. He had a really bad stutter. Billy said that the phone screener thought he was a fake stutterer. Billy said that he argued with one of the interns for like 10 minutes one day.
Howard wondered if the guy was agreeing with him or not. Billy said that he was on Gary's side. Billy said that Ralph is giving Gary a hard time about this and Ralph can't even afford a damn home... Howard cut him off and hung up on him.
Another caller told Howard that he's got a nice home theater and he doesn't have to buy it all brand new. He said that he gets stuff used pretty cheap and it's like new. He said that he's got motorized seats and all kinds of stuff and he did that for less than 5 grand. Howard said that he was off on that because the controller he was talking about was 5 grand alone. The guy said that you can find it used very cheap. Gary found it very hard to believe that the guy got the stuff so cheap.
Howard asked JD what it was about her that he didn't like. JD said that her eyes were a little crazy and very wide open. He said that was just him and maybe he's retarded. Susie said that she was nervous. Howard said she probably just couldn't believe what she was seeing.
Artie asked the woman what it was that she gave him on line that day. She said that it was a pink bag with some stuff in it. Artie said that he never got it.
Howard said he thought this woman was smart going after JD because she wasn't setting her sights too high. Howard asked her who she looks like. She said that she's been told she looks like Barbara Eden or Julia Roberts. Howard said that he'd like that. Howard asked JD if he's all about the looks and not about personality. JD was just laughing and didn't have much to say about the whole thing.
JD said that he's 29 years old and he's not ready for kids. Howard said that he's the right age to play games with kids so he'd think he'd be into that.
Howard asked Susie if she's adventurous sexually. She said she can't talk about that because she works with kids. Howard said that she was saying that she would love a man if she loved him. She said that she's a good catch and she's very stable. JD said that he's not looking for a date on the show or through the show. Howard said that he got that girl on Myspace through the show. JD said that was off the air though.
Robin asked if Susie would think of marriage with JD. She said that he could be marriage material. JD then said that he really didn't want anything to do with this now.
Howard asked Susie when she was last out on a date. She said that she goes out on a lot of dates but she hasn't had a boyfriend for a while now. Howard said that it really is a man's world because women are coming down to being turned down by JD.
JD started to say something and cut himself off as he does almost every time he's about to complete a sentence. He said that he's just not attracted to this woman and he's not sure why that's a big deal. JD said that he tends to go for women that he can't get. He said that he's attracted to who he's attracted to and he can't help that. Howard told him that he should be attracted to animals. Howard told him that he should be dating a jar of mayonnaise.
Howard asked JD if he's going to hook up with this chick in Florida or not. JD said that he has plans for when he goes down there. He said that he might consider fucking the chick if she offers it though. Howard said she didn't know what JD was saying. JD said that he might have some other girls down there. He wasn't saying that he had a bunch, but he might have someone. JD said that things could change before then though.
Howard told Susie that they could hook her up with High Pitch Eric. She didn't want that. JD said that he has some other girls that he might be able to get but he's not sure. That could all change.
Robin said that JD seems to have gone from dud to stud. Artie said that he's just a little less dud'y. Howard said he was sorry that they couldn't help Susie out. He told her that maybe she'll find a good man out there some day. She said she hopes so.
Howard suggested that Susie write to prisoners instead. He said that sometimes that stuff works out. Howard said that even ex-convicts get out and don't end up staying with the women who write to them in prison.
Howard said that they try to trick you into thinking that it's going to be fun to go to these church things and you end up going in and getting bored to death instead.
Howard jokingly said that years ago he got a phone call from Fred Flintstone asking him to go to a KKK meeting but he wasn't there when he showed up.
Howard said that he used to be dragged to church and he was so bored by that stuff when he was a kid that he just doesn't care to go now. He said it was more like a punishment when he'd go. Artie said that's what it was like when he'd get dragged to church on Christmas and Easter every year.
Howard said that he didn't want to bore people with the whole wedding thing so they did it really quick without any religious thing. He said they did their vows and got the hell out of there.
Howard got to the AVN interviews that Gary had done. He got one with Bree Olson and she was talking about how Howard had turned her down one time. Howard said that he can't imagine ever banging a porn star but she really wanted him bad. Howard said she was hot too and he probably would have fallen in love with her.
Howard ended up talking about the time that he and Angie Everhart were dating but no one really knew about it. He said that Angie had come on the show when they did a big birthday show and his sister ended up shaking her head ''no'' when they suggested that they could be dating. It freaked Angie out and he had to talk her down over at a friend's apartment that day. Howard said that she was really bothered by that.
Howard said that he took Ashley out for her 16th birthday with family last week. He said that his parents were sitting in and he asked his mother to sit somewhere so she wouldn't have trouble hearing. She kept saying ''What?'' when he was telling her this. She told him that she hears fine but she had just said ''What?'' to him twice.
Howard said that he has to interpret for his parents and relay messages to them about what other people are saying at the table. He said they just can't hear anything. Howard said that he had to take a break but Gary reminded him that he hadn't finished that Bree Olson clip.
Howard played the Bree Olson interview where Gary was asking her about Howard, oral sex and things like that. Bree talked about vomiting on a guy's cock one time.
Howard said that he saw a picture of Avril Lavigne in the paper today and he thinks that he really has a thing for her.
Howard played a clip of Bree Olson in ''Cock Craving Cuties'' that he played. He wondered if she would talk dirty to him like she did in that clip if he was with her. Howard said he likes that. He said that Beth doesn't like it when he talks dirty to her. He said he's had other women who like when he does it but not Beth.
Howard said that one girl loved it when he'd whisper that stuff in her ear. He said that he would tell her how hard his cock was and she loved it. Robin said that can get creepy and guys sound like serial killers when they talk like that to her.
Howard played more of the clip and said that he can't imagine being married to someone who vomited on a guy's cock twice. Howard played more of the clip and Bree was telling the guy to make her hurt and telling him to give it to her hard. Howard said he loves that. He asked Robin if she could do that. Robin tried doing an impression of Bree doing that.
Artie said that he had this girl on the phone one time that he asked to talk dirty to him and it was really hot. He said that she started to laugh but he had to jerk off because it was so hot.
Robin brought up this one clip that they've played where this Hispanic woman, with a strange speech impediment, is talking about guys masturbating to her. Howard played that and said that it sounds like they spelled it all out phonetically for her. She sounded a bit robotic with her delivery.
Double A called in and said that Howard dropped the ball by not banging that porn star. He said that he should have done her. Double A said that he banged Sunset Thomas and it was the best sex he ever had. He said that they make you feel like a god when you're banging them. Double A said that it's the best sex he'll ever have. Howard thanked him for that but said it was okay that he didn't bang that chick. Howard thanked Double A for the shirts he sent to him. He said that he's always sending him shirts, drinks and other stuff.
Howard said that he had two more interviews but he really had to take a break. Howard said he was going to guess that Gary asked them about vomiting on guy's cocks. Gary said that was just what came up.
Howard played a clip of Gary interviewing Belladonna about having anal sex problems, smelly pussy problems with other porn stars and things like that. Gary also had one with Tori Lane. Gary asked her similar questions about her career and what she's done and refused to do in porn. She said that she's not into squirting. Howard said he doesn't get the squirting thing but Bubba is into that stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Robin was revealing how boring in bed she is. Howard said that he might be right. Howard asked Robin if she does 69 and stuff like that. Robin said that she's up for stuff like that, she's just not going to carry on like Bree was doing in that clip earlier. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said he couldn't interrupt that beautiful song. Robin said they had some great music on the show today.
Howard said he had $500 to give away and an idea for a game but he wasn't sure if it was solid. He said that they had to have the caller guess how much Lisa G ended up giving to charity with her cookies. Howard said that they know how much it is and the callers have to guess it. Artie figured it was about $20.
Howard said that maybe they could get 3 guys on the phone and whoever comes closest would win. He picked up on one guy and let him guess. Gary said that Lisa is saying that they announced it on the news and he didn't know that. Howard said that means that everyone has to listen to the news then.
Howard said that Lisa was giving a portion of the sales of her cookies to a charity over the holidays. Howard asked the caller for his guess. The guy said it was $650. The second caller said $132. The third caller said that it would be $651.
Howard said that the actual amount was $500. James won with his guess of $132 since he didn't go over. Artie said that there's no way that's true. Robin said she thinks that Lisa gave that money out of her own pocket.
Jason came in and said that he heard that Lisa's cookies didn't sell well and she had to donate her own money to that charity. Howard asked Lisa how much she made with the cookies. Lisa said that she didn't think that number mattered that much.
Lisa said that she didn't want to say how much it was. Howard how much it was because he had to know how much it was to give the guy a prize. Lisa said that she wrote a check for $500 herself and she didn't make a lot of money on the cookie sales. She said she was embarrassed about the amount and she didn't want to say what it was.
Howard said that everything is an issue around there. He asked Gary how he can come up with a game like this and not know the answer. Gary said he didn't know it was going to be so confusing. Howard asked Lisa if it was more than zero dollars.
Lisa said that it was not that much more than what the $132 guy said. Howard asked if it was over that because if it was, they all lost. She said she thinks that it was over $132 but not much. Howard said that he just wanted to make sure that James won.
Lisa said that she was feeling bad about this. She said that it was more than $132 but she wouldn't give an exact amount.
Artie said that he thinks that Lisa is lying about how much it was. Lisa went off on him about him being the heroin liar. Howard said that Lisa is claiming that she's telling the truth. Lisa said that she is telling the truth. Artie told them to get Ed Torian in there.
Howard gave James the prize since he was the closest to the number. The guy said that he will put the money toward Race for the Cure because his mother is a breast cancer survivor. Howard said that the prize was courtesy of ''The Chaser's War On Everything'' which is on the G4 network.
Artie and Lisa were still going back and forth on their argument about how much was donated. Artie said that he thinks she'll eventually admit that it wasn't more than $132.
Artie asked how many tins she sold. Lisa said that wasn't important. She told Artie that he should donate and match her $500. Artie said he would do that. He said that it was sad that she was going to be home alone on Valentine's day making cookies. Howard told him that he should go out with her.
Artie was threatening to go to human resources about the whole Lisa penis thing. He said that her caricature of her on the cookies is hilarious. He said that must be Lisa from 1968.
Howard took a call and asked if they blew their load with that game. He said that they have to have something else in their games box.
Artie showed Howard the cookie and the carton and said she looks like I Dream of Jeanie. Ronnie said that they actually have a cookie that looks like that in the latest cookie tin. Howard said he loves Lisa, he doesn't care what anyone says.
The caller told Howard that he can get him a screener of ''Defiance'' if he wanted to watch that. He said that it might be something the inner Jew in him would want to see.
Howard played a voice mail message that Wendy left for Gary. In the message she's talking about something she got in the mail about something that she may have won on the show or something. Howard said that Gary said the worst part is that she leaves multiple messages and he has to listen to make sure that there's not a problem.
Gary said that Wendy got a letter from New York and that's the only thing she knew. He said that they're the only ones they know in New York so that's why she called.
Howard said that the message goes on and on. He said that Gary has to produce and listen to that stuff. Howard said that's Gary's ''cross to bear'' as JD would say.
Howard said that he's not sure what they've even done on the show today but it's almost over. Artie said that he just saw Brad Pitt's picture with the 5 kids and talked about how ridiculous it is. He said he didn't know that they had twins. Howard said that's Brad's day every day. Robin said that he was smiling in the picture.
Howard said that Angelina claims that they have no help with those 5 kids. Artie and Robin didn't believe that. Robin said they also claim they don't have a publicist but they're always in the paper.
Howard said that even Artie isn't into blow anymore. He said that if Steven Adler ever watches that ''Sober house'' show he'd probably stop doing heroin. Artie said that he's smoking black tar heroin in that show. Artie said that you get high off of heroin and the long lasting effects are you get slowly within yourself. He said that it's really sad to see that show because Adler is jumping up and down uncontrollably.
Howard asked Artie if he ever gets like that. Artie said that he doesn't think he does but he might just be fooling himself.
Howard said that people just don't want to deal with the guy when he's on the stuff. Howard said that it must get to Artie when he sees that stuff. Artie said that Steven had everything when he was with Guns N Roses and now he's on this Sober House and broke. Artie said that they're probably going to take him off the show after all of this stuff. He's pretty much gone already and there's probably nothing they can do about it.
Howard and Artie said that they like Celebrity Rehab better than ''Sober House'' but they're still watching ''Sober House.'' Howard said that seeing Steven Adler is the best advertisement not to ever do heroin. He said it looks like he's going to die on that shit. Artie said that ''Sober House'' makes him sad and ''Celebrity Rehab'' can make him laugh.
Dominic Barbara called in and brought up a thing that happened to Howard years ago when he mentioned that he saw someone smoking a joint at an event they were doing. That led to a DEA investigation into the event. Howard said that was just one guy down in Washington DC who heard that and made a big deal out of it.
Dominic asked Artie if he thinks that someone is going to set him up and get him into trouble the same way. Dominic said that he thinks that something like that could happen to him if they want to set him up. Howard said that all of these people are on TV doing drugs and stuff and he's not sure how they get away with that. Dominic said that they're not on Howard Stern and not that successful.
Artie said that he's never done heroin and he doesn't know why they're bringing this up. Then he asked Dominic what he wanted to talk to him about because he got a message from him. Dominic said it was something personal and told him to call him at the office. He gave out his office number on the air a couple of times. Howard said that if you call Dominic it's almost impossible to get through to him. He's tried calling him there and it's very hard to get through.
Howard asked Artie about how he's doing since he got back from Florida. Artie said that he's doing fine. He said that he has to have good days because if he didn't, he wouldn't be there. Artie said that he got a check for his next book so now he has to write another one. Artie claimed he hasn't done heroin since Christmas Eve. He said that if he was on heroin he wouldn't be there as much as he is. Howard said he just wanted to know how he was doing.
Steve Langford came in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said that they have a story about Greg Fitzsimmons' break down at the end of his show on Monday night. He was crying over a 28 year old guy who dropped dead.
Steve said that Gary Garver has had to auction off his Howard Stern watch that he got from Howard years ago. He's got no bids on it so far. Mark the Bagger may also be out of a job soon because the supermarket is due to shut down. His mother also works there and she'll be out of work too.
Howard said that Doug Goodstein told him that there are even less people coming to work on the subway now and he's able to get any seat he wants.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He went through his subjects that they were going to try and cover and mentioned the Gary home theater thing. That led to Howard talking about that again for a minute. Jon went through the rest of his stuff after that.
Howard said that the guy who runs the tape team, David Haight, just had a kid. He said that they named the kid Shylo like Brad and Angelina. Howard said that he would never name his kid after Brad Pitt's kid. He said that's a terrible name. He said he's going to make him change that name. He said he did that with one of his daughters.
Robin said that she was doing some research and found that her last name isn't really her last name. She said that her last name is actually ''Quives'' and not Quivers. She said that she found something showing that her father's last name was actually Quives and not Quivers. She said that her father told her that his sister told him how to spell the name and that's the way she had him spelling it.
Robin said that her father only had a grammar school education. Howard said he's not sure how they made it. Howard said that his father's name isn't even Ben and it's actually Bernard. Howard said that his last name isn't supposed to be Stern either, it's something like Tysher or something.
Howard said Steve Brandano was there with this Intern Show preview. He said that Steve was the normal kid there until yesterday when he came in and went off on that Miss USA chick. Howard said that he did watch some of the porn she was in and it wasn't that good. He said she took a really long time to take her bra off and it was kind of annoying. He said that Beth didn't like it either so it's not so fun to watch with her.
Howard said that Steve was all worked up about that whole thing yesterday. Gary said that he was talking about how he had one of those Miss USA women show up at his school once. Steve said that he thinks that these women can be positive role models to young girls.
Steve said that they have an intern who works on the Ferrall show and he told Ferrall about someone who has a huge porn collection so they'll be talking about that. They have some other things to talk about in that show as well.
Howard said they have an African American intern there who has a story to tell about buying pot. The intern, John, came in and told them the story about going out to try and buy pot from a guy. He was 18 at the time and these kids tried to rob his friend's weed. He said that his friend was robbed and told them that he had been robbed. Then they saw the kids walking around so they got out of the car to get the stuff back. The two guys told him to get out of there or they were going to get ''Merc'd.'' John said that he had a friend with him who he thought had his back. Then the guys pulled their knives out and he went to punch the guy. He got stabbed in the stomach and in the back twice. His friend didn't have his back. He had the scars to prove it. They had to cut him open at the hospital so the scar went across his stomach.
John said that he was in the ambulance and the guy kept telling him not to go to sleep. He said that it was so annoying that he told the guy he was going to end it right there if he kept telling him that.
John said that he fell to the ground even though he kept telling himself not to do that. John said that he ended up chasing one of the kids. He said that he threw something at one of them and he was way off. Then the cops showed up within seconds. He said that he was lucky that they were so close.
Howard said that John will be on the Intern Show tonight. He asked him if he has a rap name. John said that he actually does call himself Re-Surch.
Artie asked what the origins of ''Merc'd'' was. John didn't know, he just knew that it meant ''murdered.'' Howard thanked John for coming in and said he'd be listening to him on the Intern Show tonight.
Gary said that John is from Boston and he takes the train down weekly and works a couple of days and then goes back to Boston to work up there. Howard said that's a hard working man right there.
Robin started off with a story about a guy who got into trouble for taping his wife having sex with dogs. She said that they may put the dogs to death because of it.
Robin read a story about a woman who is suing a Hawaiian Tropic restaurant for not hiring her based on the way she speaks. That's what she claims was the reason. That led to them playing the clip of the Hispanic woman talking about masturbation that they had played a little earlier.
Robin read a story about some research that was done that found a toxic chemical from plastics that may stay in the human body more than they thought. They say that this chemical is in baby bottles and other types of plastic. They say that even plastic water bottles may have that problem.
Robin read a story about high fructose corn syrup having mercury in it. There was a study done on that as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows that ''merc'' means Mercenary and that's where the ''Merc'd'' comment came from.
Ass Napkin Ed called in and said that he likes the show better when they don't have guests. Howard said he does too. Artie said told Ed that he won't be able to make it to the party that he invited him to. Ed's phone battery started to go dead so he wasn't able to stay on the line. Artie said that Ed invited him up to Buffalo but he told him that he just wasn't going to be able to make it. He said that Ed thought he was going to come to the party but he was just kidding about that.
Artie said that Zolar got his phone number somehow and he's not sure how that happened. Gary said that Zolar is upset with them because he thinks they've dissed him or something and now he's mad at them.
Robin read a story about stress leading to having a fat baby. She said that they're saying that stress can cause a woman to have a fat baby and eventually becoming obese.
Robin read a story about blow fish testicles being a delicacy in Japan. They can make you sick so a special chef has to prepare it for the people who eat it.
Robin read a story about Starbucks stopping their regular decaf brewing. They're going to only make it on demand now.
Robin read some news about the planned stimulus package. She said that they're trying to fast track this to give the economy a boost.
Robin said that John Travolta is going to take the stand in the extortion case down in the Bahamas. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how crazy it would be to ask for $20 million for what they were asking for down there. Howard had to go to break after that.
After the break, around 10:35am, Robin got back to her news and read a story about Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. She had some audio of him being secretly taped. Howard said that those tapes always sound like shit and you can barely understand what they're saying.
Robin read a story about the octuplets that were born this week. She said that people are getting all excited about it. Howard said he's not excited. Robin had some audio of the doctor talking about the birth and before she played it Howard was doing an impression of the Indian guy that wasn't too far off. Howard talked about how these drugs that they give to people to get them pregnant cause this kind of thing to happen. The guys talked about that story for a few minutes. Howard said that he can imagine that woman trying to breast feed 8 kids.
Robin read some news about the upcoming Super Bowl and had some interviews with some of the players. She also had a story about a guy who is going to be executed today in Texas. Robin had some audio of them talking about the guy's last meal request. Fred threw in Gary's ''Ree-cees'' clip at the end of that.
Robin read a story about Jessica Simpson getting fat and how her trainer is coming to her defense. Howard found it funny that she had a trainer. Robin said that the trainer says that she has the curves of a woman and a woman needs to have curves. Howard said she doesn't have curves and there's barely a body there now.
Robin had a story about Geri Haliwell of the Spice Girls getting married after dating for just a month to some rich guy. Robin had a story about Kelly Clarkson going back to American Idol to promote her new album. Robin said that Michael Jackson is being sued by John Landis over the making of his Thriller video and he's suing for what he believes he's owed.
Robin said that Michael Crichton's will is leaving his money to some charities and stuff. She said she likes to read about rich people's wills. Robin said that Michael made sure to point out that he wasn't leaving any money to his former wives in the will.
Robin read a story about the new movie ''Taken'' and some other movies that are coming out. Robin also said that Pope Benedict has upset the Jews. She said that he rehabilitated some priest who denies that most of the holocaust took place. He doesn't believe that there were any gas chambers.
Robin said that some of the passengers of the plane that crashed in the Hudson aren't happy with the $5,000 that the airline gave them. There's one guy saying that he wants to be compensated for the emotional distress he suffered. Howard said they knew that people were going to be suing over this. Another guy said that he had more than $5,000 in items on the flight so he wants more money. There are some law firms who have been contacted by some of the people and they'll be looking into what they can sue for.
Robin had a story about a Christian school that expelled a couple of students for being lesbians. Howard said that they should have him come in to interrogate the kids. He said he'd get all of the details out of them. The girls are suing of course.
Robin had some audio of Scarlett Johansson talking about her latest movie. Robin said there was a sighting of Mickey Rourke making out with the girl who played his daughter in the movie ''The Wrestler.'' She's 21 years old and also dated Marilyn Manson. Howard said she's got some resume of men there. They wrapped up the news and ended the show a short time later, right around 10:55am.
Gary said that he doesn't like to be critiqued on the show that way. He said that Ralph really got under his skin too. Gary said that the conversation can go on and on forever when they have no guests.
Gary said he's not sure if it really bothered Howard or not. Jon and Jason said that they thought that it really did bother him a lot.
Gary said he knows that it's Howard's opinion but he thinks that his opinion is gospel. Gary said that Howard has suggested all kinds of stuff in the past and he comes around eventually with a lot of it.
Jon played some of the audio of the argument about the stools from earlier in the morning. After the clip Jon said that Gary buried himself with the comment about having to sit in the shitty seats.
Jason said that Gary basically has the equivalent of a ''bitch seat'' in the theater and that's what Howard was asking about.
Gary said that he doesn't have a kitchen in the home theater. He said that he has a back row of seats and then a piece of granite with bar stools behind it. You can sit and watch a movie from the bar stools.
Jason asked if they could have fit in another four chairs there. Gary said that it's hard to say but it may have been a little tight.
Jon asked Gary if Howard is thinking about maybe watching a movie for 2 hours and not watching football all day long. Gary said that he has 8 seats in there and they're very comfortable. He said that his whole family can watch in the comfortable seats and still have 4 more people over to sit in them.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's on Gary's side in all of this. He said that it's none of Howard's business how he has this stuff set up. Gary said that Howard just had the thought in his head and he let it come out today.
Another caller said that he thought it was good radio today but he's on Gary's side in this. He said that the stools aren't even stools, they're like pub chairs. Gary said that wouldn't have helped him out if he had said that.
Another caller said that he was proud of Gary for standing up to Howard today. He agreed with Gary and said that it sounds like the perfect set up to have in his house to watch football. The guy said that Howard leaves there on Thursday at 11 o'clock and he's talking about playing chess on Sunday. He has four days off and he's going to play chess during that game. The caller thought that was kind of weird.
Jon said that Gary got beat on pretty good by the guys today and asked Gary which one gets on his nerves the most. Gary said he was laughing most of it off. He said that when Ralph called in and brought up the Wrap Up Show stuff that kind of got under his skin. He said that pissed him off because Ralph does nothing.
Jon asked about Scott the Engineer and what was going on with him. Jon said that he claimed to be setting up Sal but he must have had it on his mind. Scott claimed that he was setting Sal up because he knows that he's going to run in there and tell on him.
Benjy didn't get what the punch line was supposed to be with the whole Sal thing. Scott came in and said that he really wasn't pissed. He said that he just wanted to see how long it would take Sal to come in and say something. Scott said that he asked Sal if it pisses him off that Gary has a home theater. Scott said that it doesn't bother him. Benjy said that he's kind of jealous of it but he's also happy for Gary that he has something like a home theater.
Jon said that he's envious of the home theater. Scott said he'd like to have some of the stuff he has too. Gary said he used to feel bad about having some of it but he had to go out and make shitty appearances to make the money to pay for some of that stuff.
Scott said that he'd love to have all of that shit but he doesn't need a home theater. Scott said that he's not jealous of him for it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Gary is 100 percent right and Howard can't imagine watching sporting events in a home theater setting. The guy said that's why they don't get what's cool about his set up.
Jon said that it was odd that Ralph has an HD TV but he only watches DVDs and Blu-Ray on that HD TV. He refuses to get HD cable. Gary said that would be like putting Hess gas in a Ferarri.
Another caller asked if the home theater is in the Man Cave room. Gary said that it's a separate room. Gary said that the Man Cave came out good and he had a good time making it. He said that some people thought that Tony Siragosa was bitch slapping him around. Gary said he got some seats from Shea Stadium that he has down there now too.
Jon took a call from a woman who asked how close the home theater is to the kitchen. Gary said it's right below the kitchen. He said that he could get a dumbwaiter to drop stuff down. The caller said that Gary's wife probably doesn't want people walking around with food in the house so that's why the counter makes sense down there.
Gary said that they set it up with candy and drinks down there when they watch movies and they don't have any kind of kitchen near there.
Gary said that Howard can make you feel really horrible when he argues with you on the air like that. Scott said that no mater what you do, if Howard doesn't agree with it, you're wrong and there's no changing anyone's mind.
Gary said that he knows that there was something going on with Benjy at the dinner table that night and he wasn't going to get an appetizer. Benjy said that he was going to order something if anyone else wanted it instead of taking it himself.
Gary said that the other thing Benjy didn't see was that he wasn't eating while everyone else was eating. Gary said that Benjy was in the middle of a great story at the table at the time and Howard had said that it was time to order desert. Benjy held that process up for 10 minutes. That was rude to Howard.
Vanessa said that she thought the article was edgy and that's what makes for a good story. She said that when she saw the whole lay out it didn't look so flattering. She said that she thought about going back and adding some lines about him being generous and loving and being a very warm person. She said that she saw a little bit of that when she was hanging out with Artie.
Vanessa said that she wasn't sure if Artie was trying to impress her or if he was really being nice to her. She wasn't quite sure.
Jon and Gary asked Vanessa about the comments she made about the Italian families in the story. She said that Artie should be used to that since he does racy stuff like that in his comedy act.
Gary said there was one part that he felt was very harsh on Artie. He read that part of the article where she talked about Artie not being able to stay in a relationship for more than 6 weeks. She said that he's willing to do anything for a laugh and she never really said anything about him being successful.
Jason asked Vanessa about Artie's penis in the picture since Lisa G was wondering why there was nothing there in his pants. Vanessa wasn't sure and had to check it out again. She never got a chance to answer about that.
Gary asked Vanessa about some of the other articles she's written. She had done one about Jessica Simpson and said that she called her stupid in that article. Vanessa said that Jessica is just as dumb as she comes across on TV.
Jon asked how doing an article on Taylor Swift compares to doing one on Artie. She said that Artie is willing to tell you anything and Taylor Swift is willing to say nothing. Gary said that she's a country singer who is kind of in the process of crossing over into mainstream.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that there are so many lines from Artie's book in this Rolling Stone article and it seems like anyone could have written it. He said that it's almost like she copied words from the book just to get a book report done like she would do in school. Vanessa said that was some compliment that he was giving her.
Gary said that Vanessa did talk about some of the stuff in his book. He didn't think it was that bad of an article though. Gary said that he did think that it wasn't that good for Artie but Artie didn't seem that bummed out about it. Jason said that Artie was feeling that she was kind of condescending toward him.
Vanessa said that she wasn't trying to be that way. She said that she thinks that Artie is going to be okay but he may have to hit some kind of bottom first. Vanessa said that maybe that place Artie went to isn't the best place for him to have gone. She wasn't sure about that though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that this chick is just as bad as JD with the ''uh'' comments and he hopes that she dies of AIDS. Another caller said that he bought Rolling Stone to get that article and read the article. He said that he thought it was pretty fair on how Artie lives. He thought the photograph of Artie was pretty sad though.
Gary asked Vanessa if Artie asked her to keep stuff out of the article. She said that there were some things that she would have wanted to put in there. She wanted to talk about the jogging story that came up the week after she did the interview.
Vanessa said that she had a story about Artie and some girl who had skin popped him. He was going to save that for his book but he shared the story with her. Gary asked if there are people who will ask her to leave out stuff from conversations. Vanessa said that she will do that if they ask.
Another caller said that she thought that the David Sedaris comparison was a good. Gary said that a lot of people don't know who he is though. Vanessa said that he had best seller books and a lot of people do know who he is.
Jon took another call which was audio clips of Artie yelling about this stuff. Vanessa said that she was just in there to defend herself. She didn't know that it was audio clips. They had Artie calling her a fuckin' piece of shit and a fuckin' bitch. Gary told her that it was just audio clips. He said he didn't want her leaving thinking that it was really him. The guys let Vanessa go a short time later and went to break.
Gary said that she admitted that the picture and the title were kind of rough on Artie and they did change the whole thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's sick of hearing about JD. He said that Howard spends too much time with him. The guy said that they spend far too much time with him and they should stop with him already.
The caller also asked about Comcast cable dropping Howard TV this month. JD was laughing at the guy and mocking him. Gary asked the guy if he called Comcast. The guy said that he did call them but they made him go through On Demand instead of on channel 495. Jon put him on hold and told him he'd turn that over to Doug Goodstein.
Jon brought up Lisa G's cookies and the proceeds that she donated to charity. Jon said that he'd like to know where Gary thinks the truth lies. Gary said that they had some money to give away today so they were going to play that game and assumed that Lisa gave no money to charity at all. Gary said he didn't know that there were multiple answers for what she gave to charity. He said that she told him $500 and he thinks that she knew what he meant when he asked.
Gary said that Lisa apparently doesn't want them to know exactly how many she sold. He said that he enjoys her cookies and licking her.
Ralph called in and said that he had something positive to say today. He said that he's positive that he knows that Gary needs comfortable seats in his movie theater. Gary said he wanted to know why Ralph thinks that it's going to cost him $100 a month extra to get HD on his TV. Ralph said he has satellite TV and he can't just order the HD channels. It's going to cost him an additional $60-80 a month to get it. He said that it's really not that worth it to him. Ralph said that he doesn't watch that much TV.
Benjy asked Ralph how he gets his internet. Ralph said he gets it off an antenna on his roof. He said he had dial up until about last week.
Ralph talked about the whole home theater thing again and said that Gary should have made it a theater and not a multi-functional room. Gary said that it's the room that he wanted, not the room that Ralph or Howard wanted. Ralph said that there should be a lot of love in the room in a home theater and he shouldn't be bumming anyone out.
Jon took another call and that guy said that JD is gold every time he opens his mouth. The guy was also saying that Howard shouldn't open his mouth about a home theater when he's a guy who is planning on playing chess during the Super Bowl. Gary agreed with him on that.
Jon asked JD if he likes being the guy who is doing the rejecting now instead of being rejected. JD said that he just got laid one time and all of a sudden he's Don Juan. He said that he's still ''whatever.'' Gary said that he's surprised that he's being as selective as he's being. JD said that he can't bang someone he's not attracted to. Gary said he's been able to do that when the right amount of alcohol is involved. JD said he'd rather jerk off to whatever's available instead of banging some chick he's not attracted to.
Gary asked the guys if they would rather jerk off or take a girl who isn't that attractive. Jon said that he knows the answer he's going to give. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about how he's going out to dinner with a friend tonight and the guy can't be there until 8:30 tonight so he's going to be dead by that time. Howard said that he's going to have to nap this afternoon to prepare for that. Howard said he always naps after the show but he'll have to nap extra for this dinner tonight.
Howard said he thought he had lost weight yesterday but it turns out he had gained some. He said he got on the scale this morning and he was up to 198 pounds. He has to pull back on the snacks now. He said he thinks that he's so good but he always has that belly around his waist. Robin said that he does all of the working out and thinks he's eating well and that still happens.
Howard said that he wants to be a hot guy and have a six pack. He said that he thinks that guys who are in good shape don't run, they just work out with weights. He wants to be like that instead of being such a pencil neck.
Robin said that Mickey Rourke got into that bulked up look. Howard said that was from steroids so maybe he has to do that.
Howard said that he asked JD to go back and find some more Lou clips from the Amy Fisher sex tape. At first JD said that there wasn't anything else but then he found a bunch more. JD came in acting like he just got off a chain gang. Gary said JD is upset that Howard thinks he didn't do his job. JD apologized for not doing his job correctly.
Howard told JD that he could have had one of the other guys go through the tape instead. JD said that he's been busy working on Eric the Midget show clips and stuff like that. Howard said that he can tell Gary that he's too busy and he'll assign someone else to do it. JD said he just has to change his priorities.
Howard played a bit that the guys put together with clips of Lou and Robin. It was Lou and Robin doing the Amy Fisher sex tape thing.
Howard said he was upset with JD when he found these new clips. He played some of the stuff that JD found. He had clips of Amy's husband Lou talking about Amy's ass and getting all creepy with her. Howard played through a bunch of clips like that where Lou and Amy were whispering to each other about all of this sex stuff.
Howard had a clip of Amy asking Lou to rub her ''soapy pussy.'' Howard did his impression of Lou, which sounds like Elmer Fudd, and goofed on that for a short time.
Howard played another clip of Lou telling Amy to suck on him so he could fuck her some more. Amy did her thing and Lou tells her that she's a good girl. Howard said Lou knows how to play her. He tells her that she's a good girl.
Howard played another clip of Lou spanking Amy and telling Amy he was going to examine her ass and her ''soft pussy.'' Howard said that he does pay a lot of attention to her. Robin said that it is a movie. Howard said that maybe it doesn't happen in real life. Howard did his impression of Amy sucking in air like he's been doing lately. He was also doing his impression of Lou's creepy voice again.
Howard played a clip of Amy telling Lou to spank her. Lou was spanking her and Howard said it sounds like it must hurt because Lou is such a big dude.
Howard had three more clips to play. Robin said that they can't get enough of Lou. Howard played the next clip which was Lou telling Amy to just trust him and relax. He continued to talk to her in that creepy voice.
JD came in and said that the movie was very poorly edited. He said that there was one point where Lou was about to say that Amy looked like a hot 17 year old but they cut it up at the last minute to delete that reference. It sounded more like ''You have the body of a seven...'' and then an edit.
Howard said that they really should get Lou in there for the Sybian thing. Howard said they may make Lou a big part of the show now and have him doing all kinds of stuff.
Howard had another clip of Lou telling Amy to ride him good. Howard said that guy doesn't shut up. He said it's one thing to hear the guy a little bit but he talks a lot in that tape. Howard said that in a porn you just want to see people having sex.
Howard said they had a lot of that sucking in breathing thing going on. Fred was playing SCUBA audio clips after she would make that sound. Howard was also doing an impression of her heavy breathing.
Howard said that he doesn't remember Lou being exceptionally hung. Artie said that he didn't remember seeing his cock at all. He said he remembered seeing Lou in the tape but not ''little Lou.'' Howard said sometimes Lou can be really hot.
Howard played another clip and Lou was telling Amy everything to do. Howard said that it sounds almost like Amy doesn't know what she's doing at all. Lou had to tell her everything. Howard said that reminds him of an old General Manager at WCCC that would tell him everything he had to do there at the station.
Howard said that he had one last clip to play of Lou and Amy doing their thing. Amy was getting banged by Lou and making all kinds of noise. Lou was telling her to ''rub it'' and ''blend it in'' as she was doing that. Howard said that it was Lou's jizz that he was talking about having blended in. Howard did his impression of Lou again and talked to Robin in that creepy voice. Howard used some of Lou's creepy lines that he found to be funny.
Howard said that he got an article (Sirius XM readies StarPlayr app for iPhone) about how there's an Apple iPhone app in the works to bring SIRIUS to the phone. Howard said that he'll switch to the iPhone if they bring that out. Howard read the article and they mention that he has ignored doing his show on the web. Howard said that he's not in charge of that stuff. Howard went on to read about the app and how he will get an iPhone if this thing does come out.
Howard said they don't give a lot of details in the article. He said that the app may show up in the app store by next week if it's approved.
Howard said that he's been rebooting his phone daily lately. He asked if they have to reboot the iPhone all the time. Artie said he doesn't have one but Ralph and JD have them and they love the things. Howard said that he needs Lotus Notes on the phone though.
JD said that he has some problems with his phone going dark and not coming back on until he plugs it in. He said that's the biggest problem he's had. JD said that it doesn't happen all that often. He said that it might happen like once a week. The phone is about a year old and he hasn't had it checked out yet to see what the problem is.
Howard asked JD if he heard about this iPhone app. JD said that this guy on Facebook keeps telling him about working on that app so he did know about it. Howard said that he wants to text JD but then he said he really doesn't text that much.
Howard said he has a cell phone but all of his calls come through this service called Wildfire. All of the calls are forwarded to him wherever he's at. He said that he only has one number and they all go to wherever he's at so he can't get text messages. No one has his cell number. Howard said he's kind of glad that he's not into the texting thing. Robin said she was the same way until she started texting.
Howard said he can't even get in touch with his daughter half the time he tries. He said that she claims that she doesn't have her phone on her. Then Beth will text her and she texts her right back. Howard said that his kid likes Beth better than she likes him. Howard said his youngest daughter will confide in Beth and then shut up when he walks into the room. Howard said he'll ask Beth what she told her and Beth will say that it's confidential.
Howard said that Beth will tell Robin stuff too and he doesn't know what they're talking about. Robin said that she and Beth are good friends and she will keep secrets if she asks her to. Robin said that she's told Beth some stuff that she knows Howard wouldn't be able to keep a secret if he knew. That's how she can tell that Beth hasn't told him any of that stuff.
Sal came in and said that you can get a print out of when every text was sent. Sal said he requested that and when he reviewed the paperwork, she was texting this guy whenever she was free when they were on vacation in Florida. Sal said that she was at the pool while he was out with the kids and she was texting the guy.
Howard asked Sal if it's over between him and his wife. Sal said that it's like having a room mate that he gets the bonus of getting pussy. Sal said that if he's lucky he gets pussy about once a month. Howard said that she has to be getting it somewhere. Sal said that she doesn't give him the signal that she wants it. Howard said that's been shown already.
Howard said that Sal's wife has to be getting something. Sal said he doesn't believe that anything is going on. Howard said that Sal has to talk about what he found in the parking lot. Sal said that they can't go there. Howard was bringing up something that they discussed at dinner. Sal said that he didn't want to talk about that. Sal was saying something about following his wife into a parking lot but didn't get into details.
Sal said that he has three incredible kids and he wants to keep the family together. Gary said that Sal told this story to everyone when he was out doing a comedy show. Sal said he did tell some people when he got drunk one night. Sal said he gets depressed and tells people about this stuff. Gary said that he heard that it was about 12 people that he told.
Howard said that Sal should tell that story on stage. He said that the story is actually great. Sal said something about bringing a cop with a gun when he was following his wife. Sal still wasn't giving all of the details though. He was just mentioning little bits and pieces of the story.
Sal said that if a married woman hits on him then he sympathizes with the husband because he can relate to the guy. He said that he can't do anything with a woman like that. Howard told Sal that he's ''so thoughtful.''
Artie told a story about having sex with this chick and the next day he found out that it was after her Bachelorette party. Artie said that she was really hot but he got depressed thinking about it. Artie said he didn't know that she was getting married. Artie said that he felt bad for the guy that was getting married to her.
Howard said that Sal would get a divorce if he had the money. Sal said that he's put all of this work into the marriage and he's not going to do that. Howard said he could get divorced and find a woman who is actually into him. He said that he could have a great home life if he did divorce.
Sal is still going to the booths and jerking off. Sal said that they have the best porn there and he can do that and then go to sleep on the train on his way home. Howard told Sal that he should get an iPhone so he can jerk off to the porn on that instead of going to the booths. Sal said that he has done that before. He brings that stuff on the airplane when he goes on trips. He said he'll beat one off in the bathroom there. Howard said he couldn't beat off on a plane even if it was a private plane.
Sal said that he tossed one off one time in the bathroom and didn't bother washing his hands and then patted Bob Levy on the back. Howard said he could never do that on a plane and Sal said that he found that hard to believe. Artie said that he's never done that either. They thought Sal was out of his mind and perverted for doing that. Howard said that it's all dirty and gross in the bathroom on the plane.
Richard came in and said that he and Sal jerked off on the same flight. He said it wasn't at the same time though. Sal said that was the flight when he tapped Levy on the back with his dirty hand. Richard said that it was relaxing to him to do that on the plane. Artie said that Richard really did sound retarded after saying that this was relaxing to him.
Sal once revealed that he jerked off in his aunt's closet when his cousin was going to the bathroom. Sal said he was hiding in the closet and watching his cousin going to the bathroom. Sal asked Robin what the strangest place was that she's jerked off. Robin said it was in bed.
Artie asked Sal if he jerked off to Mutt's daughter's panties. Sal said that wasn't a sexual thing and it didn't go down like that.
Sal said that he used to go to the tanning beds at this racquetball club and he used to jerk off in there. Sal said that he would get so bored that he would have to jerk off. Sal said that he would pass out after he jerked off so it wasn't so boring. Howard asked if he got his spooge on the tanning bed. Sal said that he would make a turban with toilet paper around his cock and then he'd pull it off in one big lump.
Artie said that Richard was looking like shit today. Sal said that Richard has gained 22 pounds. Artie said that Richard looked run down, heavy and bloated. Artie said he knows he looks like shit too but Richard was looking really bad.
Sal said that Richard has been drinking a lot when they go on trips to these comedy shows. Sal said they got to the airport 2 hours early last week and Richard started drinking right away.
Howard asked Sal about the tanning bed thing because he was tanning for like 45 minutes at a time. Sal said that he actually got one of those home lamps to use on his face and he got blisters on his face from that. Then he stopped using it. Richard said that Sal is really vain and he brings a suitcase full of his hair spray and make up.
Howard asked Sal if he really thinks he's that handsome that he has to get all made up. Sal said that he has to use the hair spray on his hair because it keeps it up. Howard laughed and seemed to think that he was a little strange to do that.
Sal said that he also carries shirts and pants to the club. Richard brings nothing with him and wears the same outfit the whole weekend. Richard said that he likes the ease of doing that one bag thing.
Artie asked Richard about the clothes he wears. It's the same clothes the whole weekend. He doesn't even change his underwear. Howard said that Richard won't even bring a toothbrush with him. Richard said that he does skip the brushing on the weekends.
Sal said that Richard once asked him why he was brushing his teeth because they were on vacation. Howard said that Richard had 18 cavities when he went to the dentist. Howard said that he likes to clean his teeth all the time. Richard said that he must not notice stuff like that like other people do. That made Sal laugh his ass off.
Richard said that he brought Sal to the warehouse that he was living in back when he was living in Florida. He said that you don't get to clean up that much when you live in a warehouse like that.
Artie asked Richard if he was getting broads back then. Richard said he didn't get laid for 5 years down there and he just gave up. He said that he didn't care about getting women and he just stopped washing. He said that he wouldn't shower for like 3 weeks and he'd walk up to a hot chick in a bar just to gross her out.
Howard asked Richard when he last showered. Richard said it was on Sunday. Artie said it was Thursday. Richard said that his shower curtain is in the wash so he can't shower. Howard told him that a shower curtain is like 3 bucks. Richard said he has a nice one that's being washed now. Howard told Richard to get a liner. Richard didn't know about that.
Richard said he gets busy doing stuff and he just doesn't think about showering. Artie told Richard he has to clean himself. He said that he's shit like 8 times and he hasn't showered since Sunday. Howard said that Richard must like that stink. Richard said that he does like it and he likes to smell the stink between his balls and his thigh. He said there's nothing like taking your two fingers, rub that area and smell the stink.
Richard revealed that his girlfriend has been living with him for a couple of years now. the guys didn't know that was going on and figured that she was smelling all of this shit smell. Richard said that she'll tell him when he should brush his teeth and stuff. Artie said that this is disgusting and he can't imagine doing that to a girl. Richard said that it's too hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
Howard said that he bets that she's blown Richard after 4 days of not showering. Richard said he doesn't know when he showers and doesn't shower. Artie said that she's a drinker too. Richard said that she's not as bad as he is.
Howard said that he has smelled his stink once in a while but he showers at least once or twice a day. He said that he has to brush his teeth first thing in the morning to get that crap off his teeth. Howard and the guys goofed on Richard and talked about how gross he is. Artie said that Richard has to be touching stuff there at the studio too. Howard said he won't even go into Sal and Richard's office anymore.
Sal said that Richard used to go to Karate and he would bring in his Karate gear and it was never clean. He'd hang it in the studio and the smell would be awful.
Howard said that Richard left his gym bag there one time and they said that it smelled like a dead body. Sal said that Richard doesn't even smell it. Richard was smiling through all of this stuff and he seemed to be enjoying all of this stuff.
Howard talked about how fat Richard has gotten and how he can't possibly be doing Karate. That led to Howard talking about how fat Elvis got toward the end of his life and how he got a black belt because some instructor just wanted to give it to him for no reason.
Sal told Howard that he had that ''Nicholas Gerz'' bit to play if he wanted. Howard said that he wasn't going to play that but he might play the Casey Kasem bit again. Howard had to go to break after that.
After the break Howard came back and said that he and Artie were fascinated with Will the Farter's farting hand device. Howard said that Will was talking about how you have to learn to play it. Howard said there are a ton of fart toys like that and they all work without having to learn how to use them.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Howard said he had some tape of Lisa's first on-air broadcast and she sounded almost dead inside. Howard played the clip and asked Lisa what year it was. Lisa said that she would just say that she was 17 at the time. Lisa didn't sound anything like she does now. Howard asked Lisa if she took voice lessons. Lisa said she did take speech lessons.
Lisa said that a fan is launching a boycott of Artie on the show and he's doing that to try and save his life. The guy has started a web site called BoycottArtieLange.com.
Lisa had a story about a guy from Sound and Vision magazine who was defending Gary about the home theater thing. Howard said he got bashed in the e-mail over that too. He read through some of that mail where the fans went off on him about what he was doing on the show yesterday. Howard said that it's just wrong to have stools in a home theater. He said that Gary could have had more chairs in there and instead he has shitty stools in there. Howard said that the bar area isn't a bar either, it's just a slab of marble.
Gary said that you put stuff on the bar there when you have people over. Robin also said that Gary has a Man Cave there at his house and he doesn't watch games in there. He watches them in the theater.
Howard told Gary that he should make drinks in the other room during the commercial and sit in a comfortable chair instead. Gary said that he designed the room to have fun in and that's an idea that's foreign to Howard.
Artie said that he would feel like a bartender in a stool like that. He said that he'd have to look over the booze to see the screen. Howard asked what the white panels were on the wall in the room. Gary said that they were speakers that were going to be covered. Howard said that they also had a socket in the middle of the bar. Howard asked Gary what the hell he did with that room.
Robin asked Gary why he did some of that stuff so Gary asked her why she would buy an $800 bottle of wine. Howard got back to the e-mail and read through more of that. Most of the fans were on Gary's side in the argument.
Howard said that he wasn't saying that this room was bad for Gary, Gary just didn't think it through. Howard said that Wendy the Retard is happy counting to 5 but that doesn't mean that it's good for her.
Artie said that the socket being where it was really aggravated him. He said that he used to be in construction and that would really bother him. Howard said that Gary should ask about why they put the sockets where they did on the bar. Gary said that he will ask about it but he really didn't notice it until they pointed it out.
Gary said that the sockets didn't bother him and Howard is the first one to have pointed it out. Howard goofed on Gary about that for a short time. Howard said that it bothers him that Gary makes poor decisions like that. Gary said that it was a poor decision to start working for him.
Lisa G said that Wendy the Retard is doing what she can to make money and that includes collecting cans on the side of the road. She's spending all of her money on lottery tickets. She's spending about 10 bucks a day doing that. Howard said that lottery agents shouldn't be allowed to sell tickets to retarded people like that.
Artie said he heard that Wendy is going to be putting out a line of $28 cookies. He called Lisa ''Lisa the Retard'' after that.
Ralph called in and talked about how ugly Gary's home theater was. He said that the chairs looked amazing but the color of the room wasn't good. He said that it was odd to have that bar in the back of the theater too. He said that Gary will never take that out and put in some more comfortable chairs. Howard said the theater would be perfect if it had another couch in the back.
Ralph also pointed out that Gary has his whole floor plan up on a web site (SoundAndVisionMag.com) and pictures from inside his house. Gary said that article was a couple of years old. He said he didn't want to talk about this on the air. He said he had a reason to do what he did. His explanation is about as good as the explanation for why there are stools in the back of the theater.
Ralph said that there are snapshots of Gary's whole house on this web site. Howard asked Gary if he got paid to do that. Gary said that he got a lot of the stuff in the article at a reduced price so he did benefit from it.
Howard was trying to talk to Gary but Gary kept making noise over his office microphone to cut him off. Gary said he didn't want to argue about this all day long. Howard said that Gary didn't get that he was being paid by getting that discount. Gary said that he knows that he benefited but he didn't get ''paid'' to do that. Howard said that it's the same thing. He and Gary went back and forth on that for a few minutes.
Gary asked Artie if he thinks that he got paid to do his Man Cave. Artie said that he has to declare it on his taxes so he would consider that being paid.
Howard checked out the pictures of Gary's house that Ralph was talking about. Gary said that he didn't even know that stuff was still up online. Gary said that it's a tech magazine that shows that kind of equipment. Gary said that they were just trying to show how their ''core readers'' could do something similar to what he's doing. Gary said that he has a security system at that house so if Ralph tries anything, he won't get in.
Howard said that a lot of superfans want to build a house like Gary has. He said that it really is a nice house. He said that he was there before the home theater was built. He said he would have given him some advice on that if he had told him about it.
Howard had John on the phone and asked him what he was thinking. John, who was stuttering worse than ever, was trying to tell Howard what was going on. Fred was doing his impression of John and making him stutter even more.
John told Howard that his show is to ridicule people and he finds it very curious that he has a hands off thing with Rudy Giuliani. John said that Rudy is a cousin marrying, lisping, balding... blah, blah, blah.
Howard said that he likes Rudy Giuliani and he has no reason to make fun of the guy. He said that he used to do an impression of him lisping and stuff and he doesn't know what John is talking about. John also said that Howard doesn't make fun of Ronald Reagan. Howard said he did too. John said that he doesn't make fun of the people at FOX News either. Howard said that he likes FOX News.
John was saying that FOX News is really biased but Howard told him that all news is biased. John said that they're transparently biased. Howard said that he didn't know what John was trying to say.
Howard read some of the letter that John wrote to them about his radio show. John thought that it was axed because of some of the higher ups there not liking his politics. Howard said that they don't care about anything except getting people to subscribe and listen to the service. Howard told John that he's assuming that people are listening to him and reacting to his show. No one there is listening to his show.
John said that he's a 40 year old guy who can't get women and he has no life and his show means everything to him. John said that he listens to Howard's show all day long too. Howard said that's the problem, he has endless hours of doing nothing all day. Howard said he shouldn't even have time to write that letter.
John said that he wanted to know why Ann Coulter backed out of doing the show. Howard said he'd have to ask her, all he knows is that she backed out of doing the show.
John told Robin that he wanted to lick and suck her cunt as Howard was wrapping up with him. He played a John the Stutterer song parody before letting him go. Robin said that John had some new stutters today. Howard said that he's always working on new material.
Gary said that he wishes that there were one lie in that story but it's all true and very accurate. Howard said that he really needed someone to talk to that day and Gary slept through the flight. Howard said that his agent is great with stuff like that and he would have talked him through all of that. Howard said that Gary was just sucking his teeth and asking for orange juice.
Artie said that you really need someone to talk to after something like that and Gary wasn't there for him. Gary said that he wishes he could have been up for that 6 hour flight to talk to him about it. Howard said that nothing was phasing Gary at all that day.
Howard said that he was escorted out of the building by the police and Gary just slept through that flight. Howard did more of his Gary impression of Gary saying ''Boff... orange juice please.'' Gary said that he woke up when they were landing and he probably slept through that whole flight. He's never slept that well on a flight like that before. Artie said that he did sleep next to him on a flight they were on.
Ralph called in and asked Howard to make fun of Gary's caps like he did the first time at WNBC. Howard did that impression of Gary asking him who told him that he had caps. Howard said that he had told Gary that he knew he had caps from the moment he met him. Gary didn't believe him and thought that someone told him that he had caps.
Gary said that Sal is really shell shocked after what happened earlier. He said that he was upset about Howard bringing up what he did earlier in the show since he didn't want to talk about it on the air.
Howard got back to Gary and goofed on that day that he asked him about his caps. Howard said he had a bunch of people on the phone asking for Gary impressions.
Dominic Barbara asked him to do an impression of Gary walking down the aisle at his wedding. Howard said that it was enough of that. He did an impression of Dominic's ''Mayday'' and then moved on to Johnny Fratto.
Howard said that the watch has to be wound every 15 minutes. Howard said the woman asked him if he wanted to buy a winder and he didn't know what she meant. Howard said he had been wearing a U.S. army watch for the longest time and it didn't need any winding.
Howard said he bought this watch because Tim Sabean got him hopped up on it. He said that Beth has a woman's version and it's automatic. Howard said that if he doesn't wear this watch for half a day it goes dead. He said that it never has the right time and he's constantly resetting it. Robin said that he just doesn't know how to use it correctly and it's not a shitty watch.
Artie said that it's a beautiful looking watch and he knows what Howard is talking about. Artie said that he's had the same problem with one of his watches.
Howard said the watch looks beautiful but it's a piece of shit. Howard said he likes to know the time and that's not possible with this watch. Howard said he's always setting the time and date on this thing. He said that he doesn't wear this watch every day so it has to be reset.
Howard said he doesn't want to wear the watch every single day. The woman at the shop told him that he has to wear it every day. Howard said that he wants a battery in the damn thing.
Howard let Artie try on his watch. He wasn't able to fit it on his fat wrist. He had to open it up all the way. Howard told him that he would have to reset it every minute if he bought one. Artie said that he can't be messing with that shit either. He said that he needs a watch that works.
Howard asked Robin if she wanted to wear the watch. Robin wasn't interested. Howard said he sprung on that watch over the summer. He said that now all he does is curse it out. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Oprah Winfrey seems to have been scammed again. She had this guy Ted Haggard on her show. He said that this guy was against homosexuality and he had to leave his church after he got caught asking for sex and drugs from some guy. Howard said that he showed up on Oprah and he's a big windbag. He said that the guy is so gay and he won't admit it. Howard said that Oprah should have called him out on that but she didn't.
Howard played some audio from Oprah's show where she was talking to this guy. Oprah was asking Ted about what had happened to him and Howard said that he even sounds like a girl. He said that it's like being on Battlestar Galactica and finding out that you're a Cylon.
Howard said there was a lot more bullshit to come in this interview. Oprah asked Ted some more questions and he was denying that he was gay. He said he just found out that he had some ''gay associations'' or some crap like that. Ted said he was so deeply in love with his wife and it was wonderful. Howard said that straight guys just don't say that.
Howard played another clip where Oprah asked Ted if he was a homosexual. The guy said he's not a homosexual, he's ''a heterosexual with issues.'' Oprah had the guy's wife on the show too and she was talking about how he was struggling with some thoughts in his life but she knew that he would win his battles.
Oprah asked them if they had any issues in the bedroom. The wife said that they had an amazing relationship and a great sex life. She said that she did feel a disconnect at times though.
Howard said that the douche bag had the greatest scam going and all he had to do was stay off the Meth and guys and he would have been fine. Howard said that this woman doesn't know that she's living with a gay guy. Howard said that she thought it was an incredible sex life and she has no clue.
Howard said that all of these religious guys are such bullshit artists. Artie said that the clichés are all true with these guys. Howard said the worst part is when they go in and bash the gays in their sermons. Artie said that they live on pure hate.
Howard said that Jimmy has a good thing going now but maybe Jimmy wants to prove that he's good. Howard said that people told him not to go to mornings but he had to prove something so he did it.
Howard said Gary thinks that because they're denying the move they're actually going to do it. They never comment on this stuff so the fact that they are, means that they are going to make the move.
Howard said he read a survey about talk show hosts and they found that more people like Jay Leno than like Oprah Winfrey. Robin said that can't be possible. Robin was saying that Jimmy Kimmel is into Neil Diamond. Howard said he found that hard to believe.
Gary came in and said that the survey was ''Who is your favorite person on TV.'' Howard read through the list and Leno was right up at the top. At the bottom of the top 10 was Mark Harmon. Howard remembered some of the really bad movies that he was in and didn't know anything about the NCIS show that he's on. Howard said he didn't really know him that well.
Gary said that there are a bunch of CBS shows that are really popular and Howard has probably never seen. Howard didn't know about a couple that Gary mentioned.
Howard said that he thinks that NBC wants to end Leno's career by putting him on in prime time. Howard said that no one will want Leno if this show fails in prime time. Gary said that he's heard a theory that Leno may be brought right back to The Tonight Show if Conan doesn't do well after 7 or 8 months. Howard said he doesn't see that happening. They also talked about Jimmy Fallon taking over for Conan soon. Howard said that Jimmy Fallon will be coming in soon.
Howard read some mail about Lisa G. People were going off on her about her cookies and what they were talking about yesterday. The fans don't like that she gives convoluted answers like JD does whenever they ask her a simple question.
Fred replayed the version of ''Message in a Bottle'' that he played yesterday. Howard said that this is the best version of the song ever. Fred said that it was pre-nose job so he thinks that was one of the reasons that it sounded so good.
Howard played a new song parody about Artie to the tune of Bon Jovi's ''Bad Medicine.'' It was ''Artie's Back On Heroin.'' Artie laughed his ass off when he heard the song. He said he liked that one and it was going on his iPod. Artie said he liked it way better than ''Bad Medicine.'' Artie said that was some funny shit.
Howard said that the keyboard player, Billy Powell, from Lynyrd Skynyrd has died. There are only two guys left in the band now. Howard said that the guy was only 56 years old. Howard said they gave him CPR but it didn't work on the guy.
Howard said that he wasn't a big fan of theirs back in the day but now he can appreciate their music. Howard asked to hear some of ''Freebird'' since he didn't remember hearing piano and keyboard in it. It starts off with a keyboard so Howard said ''Oh yeah...'' Howard said that he never really noticed that organ part in the beginning.
Howard said that they just came out with the Super Bowl commercials and the ones that they're not going to allow. He said that for $3 million you should be able to kill someone. Howard said that Ashley Madison gave them an add but that was rejected. A PETA ad was rejected. Godaddy.com also got censored.
Artie said that Jeff the Drunk did the same thing to him. He said that he gave him some money to hand out some fliers and he demanded the money before he did the work.
Gary said that the Carson's Ribs people are wondering what to do because they feel weird about the situation. Howard had Jeff on the phone and asked him what gave him the thought that he could just do that. Jeff said that he was on the phone with the owner of the place. Howard said that he wants to know the process of how he went about doing this.
Jeff said that he contacted someone there and they told him that the owner was in Greece. Howard asked him what he did. He asked Jeff what made him pick them out of the list of advertisers they have. He asked why he didn't concentrate on the Audemar Piguet watches instead.
Jeff said that when he got hurt and was in the hospital, they sent him ribs. Jeff said that the first ribs he got were actually won from them on the show. Jeff said that then he called the number and got the ribs there. He was talking to Donna, the owner, and she sent him some more ribs after his mother died. He said that he just liked them, that's all.
Howard said that they were nice enough to send him free ribs and then he calls them back to get more. Jeff said that they send them to him as a nice thing. He said that he thanks them for that when they do that. Howard asked Jeff when it got to the point that he started demanding the ribs. Jeff said that he wasn't being relentless like they were claiming. He said he was just calling once a day.
Howard said that Jeff concentrates on people who are nice to him. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he's been badgered by Jeff about getting him some DVDs of some shows from Howard TV. He said that he gets obsessed with it and he won't stop asking for stuff. Gary said that's why he doesn't believe that Jeff was calling Carson's just once a day.
Howard told Gary to tell them not to send Jeff any ribs anymore. Artie said that he imagines Jeff's home being full of filthy ribs and him not cleaning up and shitting them out and all of that.
Doug said that he had a story about Jeff calling him one time a few years ago. He said that Jeff said that he couldn't afford anything and he was saying that he couldn't get anything for his family. Artie went into his impression of Jeff and Doug said that it was actually worse than the way Artie was doing it.
Doug said that he got Jeff a bunch of stuff from around the office that they had to give away. He said that he shipped it to him with maybe 30 things in the box. Jeff called him days later and asked him why he didn't go out and buy him some stuff instead of sending him that free stuff. Artie told Jeff he's out of his fucking mind. He said that's a new level for Jeff.
Doug said that Jeff really is an asshole. Jeff said that he did call Doug and thanked him for the card he sent him. Doug said that he just sent him an In Demand card, not a personal one.
Artie asked Jeff what the fuck he expected to happen when Doug sent him those gifts. Jeff said he didn't know. He said that it would have been nice to have gotten an xBox. Doug laughed and said that he's not going to go out and spend that kind of money on Jeff.
Jeff said that he got a 37 inch TV for Christmas. Jeff said that this guy bought it out of the kindness of his heart. Howard said that if you call enough someone will respond.
Ralph called in and went off on Jeff. He told him that he's a loser and an ingrate. Ralph said that everyone does him favors and all he does is bitch about it. Artie agreed that this is a new level for Jeff to sink to. Ralph asked why anyone would buy Jeff anything.
Robin said that Jeff's thought process is that he could be a spokesperson for these companies. Howard said that he bets that Jeff is going to get more ribs now because he got in some plugs for Carson's. Howard thanked Ralph for calling in and wrapped up with Jeff.
Jeff said that he wanted to say a happy birthday to Crazy Alice. Howard played a song parody for Alice after that. It was to the tune of ''You Are My Sunshine'' and it was done by Dan the Song Parody Man. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that everyone was correcting him about who was still alive in Lynyrd Skynyrd. Howard said that you have to be precise on the show because they have a lot of fanatics.
Howard had an audio clip of Larry King talking about his son telling him he wants to be black. Howard said that Larry was talking about that and saying that because Obama is President, his son wants to be black because it's cool to be black.
Howard played the clip and Larry told his guest that his 8 year old son has said he wants to be black. Howard goofed on Larry about that and did an impression of him talking about that.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone and asked him about the Larry King story that they had about his wife getting caught cheating on Larry with the coach who was teaching their kids. Mike told Howard that story and had him laughing at the situation. Mike said that Larry's wife was running around holding the guy's hand out in public and people all knew that it was Larry's wife.
Howard had Larry's wife up to the studio one time and she had to bring her father because her father thought that he was too wild for her daughter.
Howard asked Mike how long they know about a story like that before they let it out. Mike said that they try to be a little bit sensitive to them. He said that everyone has something in the background and they just let it become public knowledge before they go with the story.
Howard had some edited clips of Larry King saying a bunch of crazy stuff that he played for Mike. He asked Mike why he never ran with those stories. Mike said that he doesn't know. He said maybe it's the same reason they don't run with the story about him having sex with a sheep.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to hear the prank call that Mike was talking about. It was a prank call that the guys made to a phone sex line using Mike Walker audio clips. They had Mike pretending to be a sheep with the phone sex woman. They had Mike doing a ''Bah'' sound over and over again and making some heavy breathing sounds.
Howard said it's amazing how the girls get so into those calls so easy. Mike asked if that was a real place that they called. Howard said it was. Artie said it probably cost them $400 to make that prank call.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Mike told Howard that he found a book in a book store that was called ''Enema'' and the whole book was about enemas. He said that they go into everything about enemas and colonics and all of that. Howard told him to get Robin a copy. Mike said that he would do that. Howard let him go a short time later.
Steve said that someone has bid on Gary Garver's watch on eBay. Steve said that they have more about Bubba's big man party down in Tampa that's going to be on Howard 101 tomorrow night. Howard said he knows that Bubba and his father-in-law are going to hit it off down there this weekend. Howard said that he could imagine his father-in-law having some fun with the liquid ass stuff and all of that.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview next. He ran through the stuff that they were going to try and cover today. They ended up talking about the stuff that Robin has been confiding in Beth about when Robin revealed that she just got her first Brazilian wax recently. She said that it was like being rolled around like a baby when she had it done. Howard said that she must be seeing someone to have gone through that. Artie said that she must be going through a mid-life crisis or something.
Howard asked Robin if she's still with the 25 year old. Robin said that they haven't talked since the holidays. She said that it was just very casual. Howard asked Robin if she's seeing anyone. Robin said that's none of his business and told him to ask Beth about it. Artie said he knows that Florentine likes a big bush so she must not be with him.
Howard said he got a note saying that Ronnie the Limo Driver was just woken up by Sal banging cymbals out in the hall. Doug Goodstein said that they'd have video available in a few seconds. He said it was very funny. Ronnie got all upset and left the compound after slamming some doors. Howard said that Ronnie is supposed to be guarding him. Doug said he may have gone to change his diaper.
Howard watched the video of Ronnie sleeping in the hall and Sal walking up to him and banging the cymbals. Howard and the guys all laughed when they saw what happened. They continued to laugh as Ronnie went off on Sal and the guys. He told them that he was sick of them motherfuckers. Artie told Ronnie he can't be sleeping at work. He let out a guilty chuckle after saying that.
Doug said that they'll have that bit on today's daily show on Howard TV. That should be up by midnight tomorrow night. Howard had them replay the clip and watched it again. Artie said he'll have to have a talk with Ronnie about sleeping on the job.
Artie said that he tried watching the ''Artie's Wild Year'' on Howard TV. He said that Kathy Griffin got all pissed when he kicked her out of the room in that episode. He said that he was really rude about it and told her to get the fuck out of the green room.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was watching ''Sober House'' the other night and he was wondering if that's what Artie does when he's on that stuff. Howard said that Artie doesn't seem to be that bad. That led to them talking about the time that Artie fell and cut open the side of his head and almost taking out his eye. Artie said that he was on heroin at the time and he lied about it because no one would tell the truth about that.
Artie said that Adler is really crazy on that black tar heroin. He said that he's never done that stuff. He said that he snorts the heroin that he gets. Artie said that the black tar is heroin in a different form. He said he's not sure what they do to it to make it black tar. Artie said that it is different than what he uses. Artie said that he's heard that it acts more like a hallucinogen than the regular heroin.
Artie said that shooting up is the worst. Artie said that mainlining is one thing but then skin popping is another. Artie said that he never wanted to do the needle thing. Artie said that he got angry at the chick that skin popped him the one time. He said that he threw up but then felt great.
Artie said that he woke up to that chick opening a needle. He said that this woman used to deal out of her apartment. She used to keep needles there because she figured that she could get more business if she kept the needles there.
Artie said that he fell asleep at the chick's apartment and she had these nefarious people coming into the apartment. Robin said that she met this girl and the only time she would contribute to the conversation was when someone brought up drugs. She would tell them that she had valium and xanax and things like that.
Howard asked Artie if he was charged extra to have sex with that girl. Artie said that it was a sexual thing before he even knew what she did. He said that she didn't charge him for the drugs either.
Artie said that this chick is really hot too. Robin said that she is cute and she does have a smokin' body. Howard asked if the heroin was good. Artie said ''I don't know man...'' Robin said that it was very funny when she was telling them that she had drugs in the conversations.
Artie said that Robin must have known what he was up to that day. He said that he disappeared with her up in his bedroom for like an hour. Artie said that the chick is really into the whole celebrity thing.
Jon Hein got back to his Wrap Up Show preview and ran down a few more things that they were going to cover. Howard then had this guy David on the phone who claimed that he was writing the application for the iPhone that they were talking about earlier. The guy, David, said that they're testing the application out now and they're hoping to have it available by next week or so. David said that he doesn't work for Apple and they're just a bunch of independent guys who are working together on the project. The guy said that any of the online channels will be available to listen to with the application. Howard said he's going to get an iPhone when that comes out. David said that they have other clients available for other phones as well. Robin said that this guy was going into a level where she didn't know what the hell he was talking about.
David told Howard that they could do some stuff for the show as well and get some pictures in rotation and things like that. Howard thanked him for that and said that they can work together on that. Howard said that Apple has to approve the application and people can then download it. He said that's kind of cool. Howard said that his phone doesn't really get the internet that well so he's not sure that would work.
Richard came in and said that he has some applications on his iPhone because they're very addictive. Richard said that he used to have a Palm Treo and it used to lock up all the time. Richard said that he loves his iPhone and never has any problems with it. He said he can even get into his Lotus Notes stuff very easily. Richard said that there's a ton of applications on the phone. Robin said that he had talked her into it.
Howard asked if they have iPussy on there. Richard said that there is a lot of porno out there for the iPhone. Richard said that he heard that the inventor of SIRIUS was talking about taking people's memories and putting them on a chip so you can download into another body.
Howard went to Mutt from Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said that the guy who was just on has a desktop application (StarPlayr) for Windows that allows you to listen to the SIRIUS feed and he loves it. He said that they have all of the logos for the channels and they have links to different things in the app as well. Howard said that he just wants it for his iPhone.
Mutt said that tonight they're going to interview Will Murray to find out what it takes to get through to the show. Mutt said that they'll also be talking about Gary's bar stools. Mutt said that he can't believe it lasted all week long. Howard said it was only 2 days, not all week.
That led to Howard talking more about the stupid bar stools. Howard and Gary ended up arguing about the set up again. Gary started singing ''$800 Wine'' as Robin was going off on him about the chairs. Howard played Sal's song parody about Gary's screw up too.
Mutt said that they'll talk about Howard's opinions and how he thinks he's always right and everyone else is wrong. Howard said that Gary is going to be miserable sitting in those stools this weekend while everyone else is sitting in the comfortable chairs in that theater.
Robin said that kidney donors do quite well according to a study. She said that people who donate go on to live lives that aren't affected in the least. They are less likely to get kidney disease when they do that.
Robin asked Howard how long Bulldogs live. Howard said that they're predicted to live about 8 years and Bianca is almost 7. He said that he's hoping that she lives to about 13. He said the dogs are fragile though.
Robin said that they're trying to change the face of bulldogs by breeding in better features so they can breathe. Robin asked if cloning a dog is the same as keeping the same dog. Howard said it's not the same, it's about the training.
Robin read a story about a family that got the first cloned dog. It was a clone of a dog that died in January of 2008. Howard said that's creepy to him.
Ralph called in so Howard asked him about how he found the pictures from Sound and Vision magazine (SoundAndVisionMag.com) of Gary's house. Ralph said he just went to google and searched for Gary's name and for the magazine and it came right up. Howard ended up goofing on Gary again about his home theater. Howard was doing his impression of Gary and goofing on him about the stools again. The guys were making fun of the bar area and saying that people have to go to work back there if they're sitting in those chairs.
Gary said that he has 20 people coming over for the Super Bowl. Howard said that Gary isn't going to get to sit in one of those comfortable chairs at all. He's going to be stuck outside the room with that many people there.
Howard told Gary that he's going to be stuck sitting in those stools a lot. He figured that Gary's kids are going to be sitting in the good seats. Gary said that the kids should be in the Man Cave and the adults will be in the theater. Artie said that he would cancel the party. Howard told Gary to rip out the chairs in the front and put in a Ferris Wheel instead.
Howard said that they had a movie screening one time and he made Al Rosenberg move because he was too close to him. Howard said that if Gary has any black people over to his house he can't make them sit in the stools. Gary said that he only knows one black person and that's Robin. He said he doesn't have to worry about her coming over.
Ralph wanted to bet Gary on the Super Bowl but he wanted Gary to remove those stools and put in a couch instead. Gary said he didn't want to do that. They ended up betting $100 instead. Gary was only willing to take the outright win bet and not give Ralph points. Gary said that if the Cardinals win he has to remove his back wall but if the Steelers win then Ralph has to give him all of his action figures. Ralph wasn't up for that.
Gary said that Ralph buys three of every action figure he buys. He has one to store, one to play with and one to possibly sell or trade. He goofed on Ralph about that but Ralph didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with that.
Ralph and Artie ended up arguing about some room that Artie had gotten for him for half the price that it usually was. They were going back and forth on that but Howard had to stop them so he could take a break.
After the break, around 10:15am, we heard a few ''Horse tooth jackass'' prank calls that Sal made to Gary many years ago. Fred played some Bruce Springsteen ''Born to Run'' as they were coming back. Howard had Robin get right back into her news after that. She read a story about how many people they expect to tune into the Super Bowl this year. Howard said he's not sure if he's going to be watching this year or not. She also had some audio clips of a guy from Budweiser talking about what they were going to be doing with their commercials.
Robin said that she read that they ship the losing team's hats and towels down to South America to get rid of the stuff.
Robin said that she had a story about the couple that were caught having sex with animals. They got only 60 days in jail for that.
Robin had a story about a study that was done about kid's names that can lead to problems. It can also led to certain kids committing crimes. Robin read some of the names that were the worst for kids to have that lead to them committing crimes.
Robin said that if you give a cow a name it will give you more milk. She said that they did a study on that as well and found that cows will produce more milk if you name them.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Artie heard the Rolling Stone reporter on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Artie missed that. Howard told Artie about that and how she had been up there with Taylor Swift. Artie said that she'll probably love Taylor. Howard ended up playing some audio from the Wrap Up Show where Vanessa was talking about the article and how she didn't think it was as bad as some people thought it was. She said she thought it was a ''cool, edgy'' article.
Artie said that he has a couple of problems with Vanessa and what she was saying. He said that she compared him to Dice Clay and that's not what he is. He said he's nothing like Dice at all. The only similarity is that he sounds like Dice because he's in New York. Artie said that he did a quick impression of Dice in his act too and she must be basing that stuff on that. Artie said he did an hour of stand-up before that and she didn't really mention that.
Artie said that he didn't choose to do heroin either. He said that she really didn't say anything wrong in that article though. Howard played some more of Vanessa on the Wrap Up Show where she was talking about Artie showing off to her and trying to help her out with her airline tickets and stuff. Artie said that he would do that for anyone and he didn't just do it to impress her. Artie said that he takes umbrage with that but the article was good publicity for his book. He said that he looks back on the article and he's okay with it but he's really not Dice Clay like she was saying.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin read a story about Jerry Lewis possibly having an illegitimate daughter that lives on disability. She wants to take a DNA test and prove that she's his daughter. Howard said that she should take responsibility for herself now because she's 50-some years old. Robin said that she just wants to be part of the family. Howard said that if he were Jerry he might want to check the DNA test and maybe take her out to dinner if it is his daughter. Howard said that she could end up being a big problem for him if he odes start doing that. The woman didn't know that she was his daughter until her mother told her on her death bed. Howard said that if she was 6 years old, that's a different story. Howard said he would want to meet his own daughter if he had something like that happen to him. The guys spent a few minutes talking about that story.
Robin said that Ashlee Simpson is upset about the attention her sister is getting about her weight gain. That led to the guys talking about how Ashlee has had plastic surgery so she shouldn't be defending her sister talking about how obsessed people are with looks.
Robin read a story about a guy throwing his 4 year old daughter off a bridge in Australia. The guy stopped his car, with 3 kids in it, and walked to the side of the bridge and dropped his daughter into the water 190 feet below. Howard said that there are so many insane people out there. Robin said the child survived the fall and the father was arrested.
Robin read a story about Mickey Rourke going into wrestling with the WWE. He's going to wrestle Chris Jerricho on April 5th. That led to the guys talking about how Mickey can't really get a regular acting role after he's fucked up his face so bad with plastic surgery. Artie said he could play a villain in a super hero movie though. Howard said that no one can relate to a guy who has done that to his face.
Robin read a story about Billy Powell from Lynyrd Skynyrd dying. She had some audio of some people remembering Billy.
Robin had a story about Al Franken and how he's still trying to get his Senate seat. She had some other political news that she ran through as well.
Robin read that the postal service may be cutting back on their service. It may cut back to 5 days a week. Howard said that they keep raising rates and cutting back on this stuff and it's becoming more and more third world here. Howard said that we have to get out of Iraq and stop spending these trillions of dollars there. Howard said that this war in Iraq has really got them all whacked.
Howard said that he couldn't stop thinking about the food that Bobby Flay had sent up. He had talked about that quickly during an earlier break. Howard said that they sent up turkey burgers and some shakes and he had to pass on that stuff. He said that the pistachio shake was really good. Howard said he would have skipped lunch today if he knew that Bobby was going to send that stuff up there.
Robin read some news about Scarlett Johansson's new movie. She had some audio of her talking about working on that. Howard ended up goofing on her about something dopey she said in the clip. She had called the director an ''actor's director.'' Howard said that it would be good if the director was an ''actor's director.''
Robin had some audio of Steve Carell talking about the new episode of ''The Office'' that's going to air after the Super Bowl. Howard cut that clip off and said that no one is going to watch that. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later around 10:55am.
Gary said he has an issue with Richard and him not cleaning himself. He said that most people aren't used to that way of life. Gary was also saying that Artie is the one who seems the most offended by what Richard does.
Richard said that Artie has shit the bed before. Gary said that was accidental though. Richard said that he's done that as well. Richard said that he shit the bed after getting drunk one time and hid the sheets under the bed. He said the maid got really mad at him too.
Richard said that he felt so bad that day that he didn't feel like moving so he just shit on the sheets instead of going to the bathroom. Richard said that it was all liquid too.
Jon asked Richard about why he hasn't changed his ways as far as cleaning. Richard said that's like asking Gary why he doesn't stop eating shrimp. Gary said that he's not offending anyone when he eats shrimp.
Sal said that Gary dos offend people eating shrimp. He told some stories about Gary eating shrimp at a wedding and laughed his ass off at them. Sal said that Gary asked him to get rid of those pictures because they bothered him. Gary said that he used to be bothered by Jackie making fun of him eating shrimp so that's what that was all about.
Gary asked Richard how he can compare his eating shrimp to not showering. Richard said that he doesn't smell that bad. He said that he just had his arm around Tim Sabean and he didn't smell him. Tim said he could smell him from where he was standing. Richard said that he doesn't really like being dirty.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Richard talking about being dirty and not showering since Sunday. After the clip Gary said that he had to use the bathroom today around 10:30. He said that someone was in the bathroom and it was Richard. He was in there for 15 or 20 minutes. Richard said that he had to poop and he was spending a lot of time wiping. Richard said that he had a hanger in there too and it wasn't coming out so he just sat there and then wiped aggressively.
Gary said that he likes to read Playboy Advisor and he was reading the latest one where this woman asked about her husband smelling his armpits and stuff. He said that they told her to find a different man. Gary said that he thinks that it could have been Richard's girlfriend who wrote that letter. Sal said that every guy takes a whiff of their stink. Richard isn't that crazy for doing that according to Sal.
Richard asked Gary if he likes smelling his own farts. Gary said that he does like that but he doesn't like smelling his balls like Richard does.
Sal said that he loves Richard even if he does stink. Gary said that Sal is really clean and the polar opposite of Richard. Richard said that he and Sal were pissing in the bathroom together the other day and Sal was shaking his cock and getting piss on him. He had to tell him to stop.
Gary said that the bathroom in the back office is only big enough for one guy. He said that basically these two are pissing together into one toilet. Sal said that he and Richard don't like to stray from each other and they end up going to the bathroom together. They also wash their hands together and go out and get lunch together.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's a huge fan of Richard as a drummer. He asked Richard if Howard freaks out about him going into the studio when he's all dirty like that. Richard said that he stays far away from Howard and Artie and they seem to be okay.
Gary asked Richard what the booger chair was. Richard said he has a chair at home that he's had for about 4 years. He said he likes to pick his nose and he wipes the boogers on his office chair. He looked at it the other day and the bottom of it is covered in boogers. He said that his girlfriend was laughing at it with him though. Jon said that she really puts up with a lot of stuff with Richard. Gary said that's amazing that she can put up with that.
Richard said that he and his girlfriend wipe boogers on each other all the time. Sal asked Richard if he's been doing stuff that he doesn't like that she does like. Richard said that he's started watching some shows on TV that she likes that he normally wouldn't watch.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Gary about his foot fungus. Gary said that's not a dirty thing and that has been cured. The caller also asked if he still has the wild nose hairs that used to whistle. Gary said that Howard used to hear that whistling sound but that hasn't happened lately.
Jon asked Sal about the story that Howard was trying to get out of him today. Sal said that he's trying to patch up stuff in his life and that knocked him on his ass today. Gary said that Howard will make it vague and blurry and try to talk about it on the air. Artie was there to back him up on that.
Sal said that he talked to Gary about that after it happened and he never said that he wanted to talk about it on the air. Sal said that he had to stick to his guns on that story and not talk about it today.
Sal said that the story was something he definitely didn't want to discuss on the show. He said that he thinks that Howard may have forgotten about that and just brought it up today.
Sal said that he's not sure if it's going to come up at home today. He said that he didn't discuss anything today so he doesn't think it will be a problem. He said that part of his life is in the past and he's trying to move on after patching things up with his wife.
A caller asked the guys about Richard's stink and if they ever smell him there. Richard said that he doesn't stink. Gary said that just the thought of it is enough to make you sick but if the did stink they'd let him know.
Jon asked the guys if they all shower before work. Benjy said that he used to do the same as Richard but now he showers before work every day. Richard said that he takes a shower and loves it too but he takes about an hour when he does take one. Richard said that he listens to the radio while he's shaving, brushing his teeth and then he gets into the shower. Richard said that he always poops before he showers too.
Gary asked Richard why it takes so long. Richard said that he shampoos and conditions and then does his Beecuticals face wash. Gary told Richard that he could cut back on the conditioning and stuff because he's not showering anyway.
Benjy said that he loves getting dirty and then getting really clean. Richard said he loves that too. Richard is that he likes that too and he loves getting the dirt off of him. Richard said that he has to feel really filthy before he wants to shower though.
Jon asked the guys about finding Ronnie asleep. Sal said that Chris from Howard TV told them that Ronnie was sleeping and they loved it when they scared the shit out of him. Sal said that Ronnie actually threw his walkie talkie at them and hit the cymbal. Richard said it was good that they woke him up because that's when the Bobby Flay people showed up with the food and they were waiting outside the studio with the food.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Richard is out of his mind and he doesn't give a crap about anyone else at work or about being clean. The guy said that Richard and Sal are both very inappropriate at work and he's sick of it and he's sure that Artie is too. Richard said that he's not interacting with anyone other than Sal on a regular basis so it's not that big of a deal.
Ralph said that he was with Howard on the texting thing before he started texting people. Gary said that he enjoys it now too and he didn't want to do it in the past. Ralph said that he and Jon will text during ''Lost.''
Jon asked Ralph about being compared to Jeff the Drunk earlier. Ralph didn't know what he was talking about. Jon said Artie had compared him to Jeff earlier. Sal and Ralph talked about the hotel room that they had gotten at half price thanks to Artie. Ralph said that they were supposed to get free rooms but then they got hit with a bill.
Gary said that he's with Ralph on most of that but it's one of those things that didn't work out the way he thought. He said that he wouldn't tell Artie that he owed him money. Ralph said that Artie told him that he was given chips as a compensation for charging for the rooms and he was expecting part of that.
Sal said that he and Ralph went out and ate at the VIP club at that place. Ralph said he hardly had anything there, it was Sal who was pigging out.
Ralph said that he didn't even want to go to that place, it was Artie who told him to come down for a free room. He said that Artie ended up going into one of his drug stupors and he left them there at that hotel and went to some other hotel.
Ralph told Richard that he's a disgusting human being and it's really gross to wipe your boogers on a chair. He said that no one needs to know about his pig habits. Richard made fun of Ralph for collecting his Star Wars figures. Ralph said that he doesn't stick those up his ass like Richard would.
Richard told Ralph that his berry is disgusting and he should get that removed. Ralph said that's the source of his powers so he can't get rid of that. Ralph said that Richard makes his skin crawl and he wouldn't put that stuff out there. Richard said he didn't put that out there, Howard did.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked about Richard's girlfriend. Sal said that she's funny and sweet and she's really fun to hang around with. Sal said she reminds him of the woman in the movie ''Big'' that fell in love with the young Tom Hanks.
Sal said that he has been to Richard's apartment and it's really nice. He said it's much better than the shithole that he stayed at one time. He said that Richard ended up throwing his throw rug on him when he was kind of cold. Sal said that there were all kinds of gross stains on his futon too.
Richard said that he had Craig Gass stay over with him two nights. Benjy said that Craig has stayed over at all of their apartments. Benjy said he loves the guy. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Gary about the ''getting paid'' argument that he had Howard had gone through today. Gary said that he didn't get paid to have that stuff installed in his house. He said that getting paid means that you receive money. He said he didn't get money, he just benefited from the deal. Benjy asked him why he got involved in that at all because he made it more of a thing than it really was.
Jon had Teddy play a clip of Gary telling Howard to shut up during that discussion. Gary argued with Howard about that getting paid thing for a minute and then started saying ''La la la la la'' over Howard.
Jon said that Gary must have enjoyed that. Gary said that it was fun. He didn't think that he really got mad but he really did. He said that hearing the clip back again makes him realize that he was really irritated. He didn't think that he was that irritated.
Sal was laughing and said that he wanted to get that clip to isolate it for Fred. He said that everyone was laughing over him and he wasn't able to pull it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks he could train Gary to beat Howard at chess. Gary said that Howard would find a way to make it seem like he really didn't win, even if he did beat him.
Jon asked Gary about the impressions that Howard was doing today. Gary said that his impression of him on the plane was very close to the real thing. He said that it was exactly the way it went back then. Gary said that Howard bumped him up to First Class back then but all he wanted to do was sleep on that flight. He said he feels bad about it now because he should have been more sympathetic.
Gary said that he thought that Howard was hilarious on that Arsenio Hall show but he was embarrassed about what happened when they got kicked out of there. Gary said that they asked Howard to be on that show to try and smooth things over with FOX. The show was live though so Howard got on and did some stuff that really upset the people there. Gary said that Howard wasn't on the air in L.A. at the time so they didn't know him when he was on that show.
Gary said that Howard was getting booed at the show for goofing on Arsenio. Gary said that the thing that really pushed them to the edge was when Howard asked if FOX had driven Joan Rivers' husband to suicide. Gary said that it was a great appearance but they ended up having the cops escort them out.
Gary said that they asked Howard to do something back stage and then they walked them out with security. All of the gift shit they were supposed to get was all gone. No one from the show said goodbye to them at all. Gary said that Howard was shocked and he figured that they had just been thrown out. Gary said that he and Howard spent about 40 minutes talking in the car and then went to the airport. He said that Howard was afraid that it didn't work out but it worked for the audience on the East Coast. Gary said that they had thrown Arsenio into that time slot to replace Joan Rivers' show.
Benjy asked Sal if he saw Lisa G, and she wasn't on the show, would he want to fuck her. Sal said ''sure.'' Sal talked about the time that he stayed over at Richard's house and said that was the same night that he asked Howard if he could stay at his place. Sal said that he thinks that Howard could have offered him a place to stay that night. Sal said that he wanted to watch ''Survivor'' with Howard and he blew that all out of proportion. Gary said that the guys on the show all have places he could have stayed at. Sal said that he didn't grow up listening to all of those guys though.
Sal said that he had only been on the job for 2 months at the time. Sal said that Howard made him feel really at home and he felt special being there. Sal said that he didn't have a gift for his wife one day back then and Howard ended up giving him some money to take care of his wife. He said that he never talked about that on the air. Then he got to see the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde that Howard really is when he took that story about him asking to stay over and spun it on the air.
Gary said that he never asked to stay at Howard's place. Sal said that his father used to bring his friends over to the house and there would be strangers sleeping on the couch and stuff. He figured that if a buddy needed a place to stay, you'd just ask. That's why he asked Howard if he could sleep there.
Gary said that if he listened to the show he would know that Howard wasn't looking to have anyone stay at his place. Sal said that he felt comfortable with Howard and he figured it would be okay to ask about something like that. He went through Gary to ask him about it though. Gary is his filter. He figured that would work but Gary saw something else there and ran in and told Howard about it.
Gary said he recognized immediately that it was a grate thing and he figured it couldn't possibly be real. He said that's when he went in and told Howard about it. Sal said he has no desire to creep Howard out anymore and he's just happy being there working for him and being around the guy.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:55am.