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Howard and the crew were back from their 2 week vacation this morning. Howard started off the show talking about being back live. Robin told him his voice sounded very deep this morning. Howard said she was very horny this morning and almost came over and raped him this morning. Artie said that they know that she liked guys with deep voices. He was referring to Jim Florentine so Fred went right into his impression.
Artie said that he sat next to Jim for what felt like 82 hours on an airplane and heard Jim talking a lot and it could have been Fred. He said he knows that his impression is really good.
Artie said that he threw a party at his new house at the last minute and Howard called and told him he couldn't make it. He said Howard sounded really content and didn't want to leave his house.
Robin said that Artie has had her over to his house twice now. She said that she went over and he had a lot of food there but it was all mixed together and she couldn't just have some vegetables. Robin said that Artie was in the shower for about 2 hours when she was there. Artie said that he had a girl over and he was having some fun there.
Artie said that he was in the shower and he loves it so much that he didn't want to get out. Robin said that his door was open and anyone could have walked in. Artie said that everyone was well fed there but Robin and Jim went out to get some wine. Robin said that she brought a bottle of Dom Perignone for Artie and she carried it around for about 5 hours waiting for him to show up.
Robin said that she had a whole shopping list of stuff to go out and get when she went shopping. Artie said that he wants some people to come in to defend him because he had food, booze, beer and more there and they were all treated very well. Robin said he didn't have a bartender there though. Artie said he was handling that. Robin told him he was hardly there though.
Artie said that he had a girl there and the story about her was funny. Robin said that she heard that he didn't even have any chairs there and had to send Teddy out about 2 hours before the party to get some.
Robin said that she came up to the house on her boat. She had to pilot it herself and it was kind of shallow up there so she had to be really careful.
Artie said that he met this girl Jessica out on the road and she recently moved out to the area from Pittsburgh. He said that he came back from Afghanistan from his USO trip and got back 2 days late. He said that he wanted to have something but wanted to rest first. He said that he invited this Jessica over and she brought a friend with her. He wanted to get JD laid so he invited him to the house since this Jessica had a friend coming with her. He figured he could get him something but JD was out of town. He told Teddy to invite everyone else instead.
Artie said that about 30 people showed up so he called a restaurant and ordered up some pizza, sausage and a bunch of other stuff. It wasn't really a planned party so that's why it was kind of disorganized. Artie said that some people slept over like Ralph. He said that Ralph stayed there for about 3 days.
Artie said that these two girls came and he told the guys that the other chick was single. He said that she was very young and not the kind you bang on the first date. He said that it wouldn't have worked out for JD anyway so it was best he didn't come.
Artie said that he brought Jessica up to the Man Cave and showed her that. Howard stopped him there and said that he must be serious about this chick because he mentioned her name. Artie said that he just forgot but she probably wouldn't mind him saying her name. He said that she's like a solid ''New York 8 1/2'' or a ''Pittsburgh 12.''
Robin cut Artie off and told a story about seeing the peppers that Artie got that day and they were in meat sauce. She's a vegan and she doesn't eat any meat. Artie told her that there was no meat in them. He said that they were in sauce but it wasn't meat sauce. Robin said that it was though.
Robin said that she was picking the peppers out of the sauce when this girl came to him and told him that she wanted to spend some time with him but she was going to have to leave.
Gary came in and that led to the guys talking about being in Afghanistan and shooting off the guns in a military helicopter. Howard asked if they were shooting at the enemy. Gary said it was just into the sand and it was fuckin' awesome.
Artie said that they flew to Kandahar and did a show there. He said that went really good. He said that they came to them and told them that they had to put on helmets and flak jackets and nothing fit Artie. He said that the jacket didn't fit him at all.
Artie said that everyone's stuff fit them just fine except his. He said that this guy Jeff Anthony had set him up with this stuff. He said that they were about to get on this black hawk helicopter. He said that Jeff told him that they had an extender for him. Nick Di Paolo had to help him put that extender on.
Artie got back to his house party story and talked about how Robin and Jim showed up while he was in the shower. He said that he greeted everyone before that and told them that he had to go shower.
Gary wanted to get into the story but Artie was getting upset with him butting into his story. Gary said that he called Artie at noon that day and woke him up. Artie said that he was glad he called because people were showing up in 20 minutes.
Artie said that Gary didn't even come to the party. He said he didn't need him for the party story. He went on to talk about how Robin and Jim had shown up and he spent about a half hour with her. He said that Jessica wanted to leave because her friend had to get going. Robin heard that conversation.
Artie said that Jessica told him that she had been practicing her lap dancing even though she's not a stripper. He said that he put her friend up in the Man Cave while he went into his room with Jessica who wanted to give him a lap dance. He said that he kind of closed the door and then she asked him for some music. Artie said he had the cable TV on and tried to find some music. He said that he was really horny by that point and he just wanted to find something for her to dance to.
Artie said Jessica was asking for some hip hop to play so he eventually found a Biggie Smalls song that he liked. He said that he put it up kind of loud but not loud enough to disturb his guests. He said that she started undressing down to her thong. He said that she was being really sensuous. He said he had a chair over by the bed and started making out with her. He said he did kind of a roll onto the bed from the chair and it was a nice move. He said he could have crushed her though.
Artie said that this girl took her bra off and it was just great. Robin asked if anyone walked in on him. He said that didn't happen. Howard was getting notes that she was on her period. Artie said that she was fine and wasn't on it.
Artie said that his door was open and he could kind of hear people downstairs and heard Robin laughing. He felt like she was laughing at him while he was doing his thing. Howard said that even when you're with a girl for a long time when they do a lap dance it's a great thing.
Robin said that Artie threw everyone out after that. He said that wasn't true and she's lying now. She said that he asked them if they were going to leave after he gave the tour of the house. Artie said that's just not right. He said that she's lying. Robin said that Artie took another shower after that. He said he does shower a lot but that's because he's fat and he loves that shower.
Artie said that Robin got there late so that's why he wasn't available when she showed up. He said that people were in the pool enjoying it and she showed up late. Robin said she had a great time there.
A caller told Howard that Robin was dressed in a wet suit when she showed up to the party on her boat. Robin said that wasn't true either. Artie said that she looked really good. She had black short shorts on. Robin said that they weren't that short.
Artie said that she looked really good and he's happy that she's getting better and not nearly dying anymore. He said that she showed up in the boat with Captain Dennis piloting it for her. Robin said that they had some trouble finding the place because it's not clearly marked.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked about Afghanistan. Howard said he was trying to get into that earlier but it didn't work out.
Artie said that he saw Robin's boat and that's really nice. He said that he thinks that he and Robin are going to become and item now that they have houses so close. Robin said that she loves getting on her boat and going somewhere with it. Howard said that he would never get a boat because he doesn't get the whole boat thing. He said he feels trapped when he's on one.
Howard said that people who have boats get them and have nowhere to go so they're thrilled when they find a place to go. That's what Robin is going to be like now that she can boat over to Artie's place.
Artie said his uncle had a place on a lagoon and his friend had a boat with so much equipment he could go from there to Madrid but all he did was go up and down the lagoon.
Artie talked about being on Dominic's boat coming back from the Mohegan Sun casino one time. He said that Howard was down on the bed talking to Richie Notar instead of being up on the deck. Howard said he can't talk when he's got the wind in his face.
Artie said that Gary was very brave over there and he didn't seem that nervous over there. He said that Gary got some great footage for Howard TV while they were there. He said they make you feel safe over there though.
Gary said that they had some trouble getting to Istanbul and then Russia. It was a total of about 21 hours to get to where they needed to be. He said that he had a lot of stuff to read and to keep him busy.
Gary said that they got to Istanbul and Artie was sleeping there. He said that it's a funny picture because Artie's shirt is pulled up and he's looking pretty funny. Artie said that his gut looked like Mt. Rushmore. He said he lost about 14 pounds over there but probably gained it back this weekend.
Artie said that they met this guy Jeff Anthony from the USO in Germany. He said that everyone was supposed to get on these connecting flights and the late flight was screwing things up so bad that they might have to go back. Artie said that it might end up just being him and Jim going to the shows. Artie said that he and Jim were fine with that but the other guys were really into going.
Gary said that they had to do a lot of meet and greets with the soldiers and stuff. Artie was sleeping away for most of this stuff though. Gary said that he and the guys were doing all kinds of stuff and Artie just slept. He said that they got Artie up by about 5 when they had a show to do at around 6. Artie said that he and the guys had some bunks in a barracks that had some soldiers.
Artie said that he had to jerk off about 3 times out there. Gary said that there was a really hot chick on the flight they were on and he almost had to jerk off too. He said that Artie kept asking her for water and she had to bend down and they kept getting a glimpse of her boobs.
Artie said that he had to follow Jim, Nick and Dave Attell over there and not everyone knows the show so it was kind of nerve wracking for him. He said that he does have a lot of material but those guys are so great that it's difficult to follow.
Artie said that Jim, Nick and Dave did 15-20 minutes and then he had to do like 35 minutes. Then they had to go out and do the meet and greet with the guys. All of the soldiers were great and the loved the show. Gary said that they weren't supposed to get too filthy but they ended up doing it anyway.
Howard had some audio of Gary doing his thing on stage. He tried to find it but just found one clip of Artie shooting the gun on the helicopter. Then Sal told him where it was. The audio was really bad on the Gary clip so he bailed out on that.
Artie told Howard that they did a really safe show on the first night. He said that the camp was kind of safe and the troops there were on their way to more dangerous places. Artie said that they were told to stay away from politics but they could test the water with other things. Artie said that there were a lot of troops there who knew who they were when they showed up. He said that they were yelling out Baba Booey and talking about him sleeping on the show and stuff. They know the show and appreciate what they do for them.
Artie said that Jim Florentine was first up and had to test the water. He did some really dirty jokes and he got some guffaws from the troops. That led to Nick Di Paolo going out and doing his thing and got even crazier. He destroyed according to Artie. Then Dave Attell went out and told a story about fucking a sock with shampoo in it since they weren't allowed to talk about masturbation. He said that Dave killed too and then he had to go out himself. He said that everything was just hitting and they were all killing.
Artie said that he did about 35 minutes that night and he was doing some really dirty shit that he might not even do in Brooklyn. He said that at the end he was doing some gay material. That led to the guys talking about 60 Minutes last night because they had a special about gay soldiers. They spent a minute talking about that.
Howard heard some noise coming from Gary's office and figured out that Sal had left Gary's microphone on. They got back to the Afghanistan story and Artie talked about how the American troops make fun of the French troops because they wear short shorts that look really fruity. He said that he made a joke about one of the guys when she saw him and the troops loved that.
Artie said that at the end of the first show he was doing gay jokes about the French and the troops were all loving it. He said that the USO guys told him that they loved what they did that night. That was just the first night and they had to do a meet and greet. The next day they had to go to Afghanistan, the first show was in Kursikstan.
Artie said that they flew to Afghanistan and that was a grueling flight. They had to leave extra early at 2 in the morning. Then they got to a place where it was 125 degrees and it was all sandy and sooty. He said that they got up at noon and went out to meet with some people while Artie slept. Gary said that they met the Colonel there and he was a huge fan of the show. He knew about Jim dating Robin and all of that.
Artie said that they missed about 5 flights to the place where they were going. They had to fly on a military flight and if there was no room they just didn't go. They finally got 6 seats and there were about 500 marines in the back of the plane. They all had 60 pounds of gear on. Gary said they did a show that night and that one went great. He said they got in a car to drive to another show and then the sirens went off. They were in Kandahar at the time.
Artie said that they were told this Kandahar camp was going to literally taste like shit. He said that the wind blew and there was the smell of shit and it was so grotesque. He said that the troops came in after doing hand to hand combat with the Taliban. They just wanted to sit down with a cigarette and laugh. He said that the smell of shit was all over the place and it was so bad you could taste it.
Artie said that they have a shit pond there and two Romanian soldiers bet each other that one couldn't swim across the pond. The guy tried to do it but almost drowned in the shit. Artie said that at night you can see the shit particles floating around in the air.
Artie said that they did the show there in the shit stench. Then they had to go do this meet and greet. They got in their SUVs to go and they got about 20 yards and the sirens went off. They were under attack and they ran into some concrete bunkers that they had there. They all huddled into the bunkers that were like giant coffins.
Artie said that the marines all gathered around them and walked them into the bunker. They were like their human shields. He said that there was one guy by the name of Chris Brown who told him that if one of those things hit them, they'd just vaporize and he wouldn't feel a thing. He said that they wouldn't even feel any pain.
Artie said he asked about shrapnel and the guy told him that he'd make sure that it hit him before it hit so he didn't have to worry. It was their job to protect them and that's what they were doing.
Artie said that he got all of their numbers and he's going to have them over to his place when they get back. He said he's going to take them all to a Yankee game too. Gary and Artie said that they didn't hear any bombs going off, they just heard the sirens.
Gary said that this was the same camp that was attacked when Toby Keith was there. Artie said that they heard some stories about the guys going out and killing some Taliban. He said that they all signed a bomb over there and the Colonel there told them that they used that bomb and killed 8 Taliban with it.
Howard said that they must have a lot of joy when they kill those fuckers over there. He said that it must be wonderful to just kill like that. Robin said that they just keep adding to the Taliban though so it's not doing all that much to take them out.
Artie said that they were on the black hawk helicopters and shooting these guns there. He said that they're these huge rifles that they stick out the sides of the chopper. He said that the guys were looking for people out in the desert and there were holes in the ground. They're constantly looking for the Taliban to come out of those holes that are used for irrigation and stuff.
Artie said that one of the guys in the chopper asked him if he wanted to shoot one of the guns. He said that the guy was telling him that he had to climb over him but it might take a while to do that. Artie said that he got to the gun and tried to shoot it but he wasn't strong enough to aim it very well. He said that he went nuts shooting the gun and he felt like Rambo doing it. He said that the young kids are strong enough to hold the gun and aim it but he wasn't. He said that he wanted to take out some Taliban but the guy had to ask him to stop shooting because he wouldn't stop.
Artie said that he asked the guy what would happen if he killed a Taliban guy. The kid told him that would be one less fucker that he'd have to kill.
Howard said that he has an idea for a movie where the Taliban finds a piece of the bomb that they signed and the guy would have to go out and hunt him down.
Gary said that he actually gained a couple of pounds over there in Afghanistan. He went on to tell Howard about these drones that they have out there that can follow the people who plant bombs on the side of the road. They find out where they came from and then they bomb that house or building where they go to. Gary said that when they blow those places up they get applause from everyone.
Artie said that he asked the troops what they want them to say on the radio and they were telling him that they need more troops in Afghanistan because Iraq is getting most of them now. He said that all of this stuff is about religion and codes and stuff over there. He said that the Taliban is dealing heroin and that's how they're making their money. He said that the heads of the oil companies over there are donating to the Taliban too. Artie said that the heads of the oil companies do that because they're the same religion as they are. That's all this stuff is based on.
Howard said that he had to wrap up with this stuff and move on. Gary said he had one more story to tell but Howard told him that he's proud of them but he's done with the stories. He said that he likes that they went over and entertained the troops. He said that it is true that the kids over there fighting are very brave. He said that they're just 19 and 20 year old kids.
Artie said that this one kid that told him that he was going to jump in front of shrapnel was so brave and he's not even the president. He said it makes you want to cry when you hear something like that. Howard thanked this Jessica girl for thanking Artie the way she did with the lap dance at his house party.
Gary talked about some of the jokes he was telling at the shows and said that Mike Morse wrote a bunch for him and a listener sent him some stuff too. He said that he had to use some cheat sheets to do them in the first few shows.
Artie said that Gary got better toward the end of the shows. Gary told some of the stuff that he was using during the show. Artie said that he was doing a good job as a host and that was working out very well. He said that he just handed the microphone to Gary and Gary would make the announcements and stuff. Howard thanked them for doing what they did.
Here are some photos from their trip:
Gary said that Artie said ''fuck the USO'' and tried to fly out on a flight to Russia. Artie tried to hand them a couple of credit cards but they were denied. Artie then threw his bag down the hall because he was so pissed. Artie said that he's got an AmEx platinum card and it should have gone through. He said that they thought it was stolen or something so that's why it didn't go through.
Artie said that he was going to try to go out to London because he knows some people there. He said that he was going to pay for everyone and just have them pay him back later. He said that he was dealing with a woman who barely spoke any English. He said that he was going to have to charge like $34,000 worth of plane tickets to get out of there. Artie said that he just had to get out of there so he told her to put the 30 grand on the card. The guys told him not to do that so they all agreed to just stay there.
Artie said that he needed someone to keep him company on the plane. Jim didn't want him to pay for his ticket so he said he couldn't go. Artie said that he got rejected everywhere with his cards and stuff so he couldn't leave. He said he missed the 4th of July party his mother was having. They had to go back to the camp that smelled like shit.
Artie said that Dave Attell said that if they were Robin Williams they would have gotten them out of there. They're not him so there's no reason for them to get them out. Artie said Gary had to call his kids and tell them that he wasn't coming home.
Gary said that this was like old Russia with the people with hats and stuff. Gary told Artie that he couldn't get arrested there. Artie didn't care at the time and would have rather spent the night in jail.
Artie said that he's on the wagon now after going to the doctor. Artie said that he's been cutting back on his drinking. He said the doctor asked him to stop drinking for 3-6 months. He said that Afghanistan was a good place to start since they have nothing over there.
Artie said that they had to wait for the Army vehicle to come back and pick them up. He said that not drinking was horrible and he started to think about getting some fresh heroin since it was just around the corner there. He said that the rest of the guys went to get drunk at a bar there. They didn't know that he was on the wagon. They got him some Jack Daniels and started to get lit.
Artie said that he told the guys that he wasn't going to drink. He said that the doctor told him to take some Valium instead. Some guy there overheard that discussion and offered him some of his Valium. He showed it to Nick, who knows the pills, and confirmed that it was Valium. Artie bought like 20 of them from the guy and put all 20 on the table. He took two of them and that put his foot to sleep. He took 2 more of the 10mg pills. He said that he took 3 more in about 10 minutes. He was up to 7 of the 20 already.
Artie said that he has OCD and he took another one because he had 13 left and he doesn't like the number 13. He said that he was feeling good at that point. Then Gary wanted to strangle him because he was so happy.
Artie said that he took another 3 once they got in the transport vehicle. He was up to 150mg of Valium by that point. There was a woman driving the truck and he was like drunk on Valium. He was acting like a drunk and people were telling Gary to get him into his room because he can't be walking around in the condition he's in.
Artie said that he had to apologize to Gary for what he did to him and then the guy from the USO, Jeff Anthony, told him he can't be acting like that on a military base.
Artie said that the end of the whole thing was that they got an A+ rating on the tour and almost everyone loved them. He said that they told him that he can come back if he wants to. Artie said that after the Valium thing he was told they won't put that in the report. He said that Jeff dragged him into his room and put a blanket on him and put him to bed like a little kid. Artie told him that he just wanted to stay there and not leave so Jeff told him ''C'mon man, get it together!'' in a serious way. Howard thanked them for their stories and went to break.
Robin talked about Artie's party too and how funny it was that he didn't' even have any cards there to play cards with. She said that she didn't even get to see Artie for very long while she was there.
Howard said that Beth is on the cover of Hamptons magazine again, she does that every summer. He said that she's in wedding gowns in this latest issue.
Howard asked if they got all the stories out since Gary kept wanting to tell other stories. Artie said that they told most of the exiting stuff.
Robin said that they didn't think that Artie was going to make it on the Military plane because they had no air conditioning in them. Artie said that he did okay even without it. He said that he got to sit in the cockpit but the seat belt didn't fit so the pilot just told him to be careful.
Artie said that if you're going to give to the USO you should give the juice boxes that come with the little straws. They like that stuff over there, they have plenty of water already. He went on to talk about how they have urine color charts in the bathrooms there to show you what color your urine should be. He said he was told to drink as much water as he possibly could while he was there. He said his urine was like magenta in color because he was drinking so much water.
Howard asked Artie who he's going to back in the election now that he's been over there. Artie said that's interesting. He said that he spoke to this kid over there about the oil companies backing the Taliban. He said that he also told him that the Military are going to the farmers that the Taliban are going to and trying to convince them not to deal with them. Artie said that the kid was telling them that when a politician says that they're going to pull the troops out as soon as they can, they assume that it's the troops in Afghanistan that are going to be pulled out. They don't know that it's Iraq that they're talking about.
Artie said that if the military is pulled out, the Taliban will come in and slaughter them. The Taliban goes over and tells the farmers that they're going to be pulling out and they have no future. Artie said that he's leaning toward McCain right now but only because he hates blacks. He was just joking about that of course.
Artie said that he was for Obama for a while but now he's leaning toward McCain. Howard said that he's thinking about voting for McCain now too. He's pissed about the merger situation for XM and SIRIUS and it's driving him nuts.
Howard said that he started working on the forward for Artie's book and he's got to get it done by August something. He said that he hates writing and he's not sure why he got into it. He said that it is a good thing he gave him a deadline though. He said that he'll get it done by then now that he has that date.
Artie went on to talk about what the troops over there were telling him about McCain and Obama. They were saying that Obama has to be specific about getting the troops out of Iraq. Robin said that they can't leave and even if Obama is telling them that they will get out, they're not going anywhere.
Howard said that he goes crazy thinking about this merger thing and there are two democrats in the FCC who don't like the merger. He said that they say that it's not right for America to have it. He said that bugs the shit out of him and the Democrats are turning him off now. He said that this is the Lobbyists getting to them and he hates that.
Artie said that there are a lot of companies making money on the war and they don't want it to stop. He talked about how Nestle has a lot of water over there and that has to be making them a lot of money right now.
Artie said that what they're doing over there in Afghanistan is not meaningless. They're fighting the people who were responsible for 9/11 and that's not meaningless.
Artie said that he and Sal both went down and got a room there at the new Water Club at the Borgata. He said that it was the craziest show he's ever seen. They did 2 and a half hours of stuff and the whole crowd was with them the whole time. They bring out like 80 people and there's costume changes and stuff like that.
Artie said that Spice Boy went out and did like 10 minutes with a hot chick. Then Manson went out and did some stuff. They had a retarded Elvis guy sing and some other stuff like that. He said it was very well organized.
Artie said that Bubba goes out after the first intermission and he hosts the second half of the show. He was drunk and had on a 1978 Phillies Mike Schmidt shirt that was so big that 3 Mike Schmidts could fit into it. He said that Bubba's wife came out wearing a tight black dress with her tits hanging out. He said she was strolling around like a stripper and said nothing. He said the crowd went nuts for her. Artie said he almost had to go jerk off because she was so hot.
Artie said they put on a great show and he recommends it to the fans. He said that they all loved it and it's a lot of fun and craziness. He said that Sal went up and did about 5 minutes. Artie said that he killed and then he went up and did an hour. It was like a 4 hour show by that point. They all stuck around and no one left as far as he knows.
Sal came in with a picture of Artie and Bubba and Bubba was at least twice the size of Artie. Sal said that he was 4 times the size but Howard said it was about twice the size. The guys all checked out the pictures and they were shocked at how large Bubba had gotten.
Artie said that it could be his schedule that is pushing him to that weight. Howard asked Artie if he drank at that show. The caller said that Artie definitely did drink there. Artie said that he forgot about that, he did fall off the wagon. Artie said that a kid stumbled to the stage and handed him a Jack. He said he took it and put it on the stool. He wanted to do his act but he did end up drinking it toward the end of the show.
Artie said that he was killing and the crowd was chanting his name so he had to chug it. He said that he has a whole bit that he does after he drinks so he wanted to do that. He said that he was so into it that he didn't remember that he fell off the wagon until that guy brought it up. Artie said that he didn't drink before the show but he did take a hit off the bong in the back.
Howard took another call from a guy who was saying that he sounds like he's being kind of elitist when he talks about the people he's not going to have at his wedding. The guy then asked to be left on hold to hear the show because he doesn't have SIRIUS. Howard asked him how he can think he's elitist when he doesn't' even have the service. The guy said he has friends who have it and he heard some of it. Artie figured maybe he goes to MarksFriggin.com to get his information. (Thanks for the plug Artie!)
Howard read some stuff about the Bubbapalooza show in an article that he had. The writer saw the show and talked about some of the crazy stuff that went on there.
Howard had Ralph on the phone and he was there so he saw some of the stuff that was going on there. Artie said that there was a guy there who starts whipping a guy and beating him with a bat. The guy was bleeding from his nose and his chest was all whipped and bruised.
Ralph said he saw the guy come back stage and his forehead was ripped open and bleeding like crazy. Artie said that the guy claims to get like $100 per show and that's why he does it. Artie said that he spoke to the kid who got whipped and it's possible that he might be retarded. Ralph figured that's what was going on with that guy.
Howard read that Ralph got booed so bad that he refused to go on stage there. Artie said that Ralph did refuse to go up. Ralph said that he didn't have anything to say there so he didn't want to go up. He said that he's made up with Bubba though so the two of them don't have a problem with each other now.
Artie said that the new place, the Water Club, at the Borgata has the nicest rooms. He said that it's like a 15 foot walk to the Borgata and the rooms are beautiful. He said that the service is insane and they have a pool there and the rooms are modern, clean and just really nice.
Artie said that he got laid that night down there. He said he woke up at 3 in the morning that night and the chick had to leave to go pick up her kid so that was kind of terrible.
Artie said that they have great service there at the hotel and they got him some tea and stuff to help him out with the cold he got. Artie said that he got back stage to the show and there was no food there. He said he has to talk to Bubba about his rider when he does those shows.
Robin made fun of Artie not having any food at his party since he was complaining about that back stage. Artie asked Ralph if he had fun at his party. Ralph said he had a great time.
Ralph goofed on Eric for not having something else to say after 2 weeks not being on the air. Artie went on to defend Gary for this stuff that SFN people are goofing on him about. Gary came in and told Howard that he had to call his wife to tell them that he was okay after the mortar fire story came out. A soldier interrupted him and asked to take a picture with him. He did that and even signed a Jim Norton book. He said that he asked the guy if he was from the Opie and Anthony show and the soldier got all weird and told people that he was rude to him when he asked him to sign the book.
Howard asked Eric why he called in to defend himself over this. Eric said he read about that stuff on SFN and he wanted to talk about it.
Gary said that he e-mailed the soldier and told him what he was doing over there when he asked him to take the picture and stuff and the guy shot back at him with some negative stuff and then posted their e-mails on SFN. Artie said that the guy owned the book and that's what they signed because that's all he had with him. Artie said they were all cool to the guy and Jim Norton is a friend of his so there was nothing going on there.
Howard thanked Eric for the call but Eric had more to talk about. Eric asked if they were going to talk about that Meet and Greet that he did. Howard said they weren't going to cover that today. Artie said that people were telling him how great Fred was when he did that ''Zero point zero'' thing during the meet and greet discussion before their vacation. Fred played the clip a few more times.
Howard said that they should call it a Meet and Sleep. Ralph asked Eric why he would do something where people aren't even going to see him, they're going to a hockey game. Eric told Ralph he's retarded and told him to shut the fuck up.
Howard asked Eric how many people showed up to see him. Eric claimed it was about 50 but Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip a bunch of times. That got Artie laughing his ass off at Eric. Eric claims that the money people were paying got them into the game and into the meet and greet. Howard asked Eric where the meet and greet was. Eric said it was in one of the suites there. Artie was laughing his ass off at Eric the whole time he was telling this story. Fred kept playing the ''Zero point zero'' clip whenever they'd ask him a question.
Howard asked Eric what the tickets cost. Eric said that they ranged from $20 and up. He said that the tickets were for the seats at the game. Howard asked Eric who handled the whole thing. Eric said it wasn't Johnny Fratto. He said that it was someone else and he's not sure who it was. Artie said he was going to say how much he would pay to see Eric at a game. He had Fred play the ''Zero point zero'' clip.
The guys talked about a guy who tried flying with balloons recently and died. There was another guy, a priest, who flew and ended up dying as well. Howard said that Eric will never fly after reading that stuff. Howard said he'd pay to see Eric if he flew with balloons.
Howard asked Artie about his black hawk helicopter ride where he was shooting the guns. Artie spent a minute on that and they even had some video of that playing on the studio monitor. Artie said that he didn't want to stop shooting the thing. He said that Gary was more professional about it and only shot it for about 10 seconds. They had some video of that as well.
Artie said that they got to take some shells with them from that flight but they wouldn't allow them to take them home with them after going through customs. He said that they did get to take home some other stuff like those big floppy hats they wore out there.
Howard thanked Eric for his call and Fred threw in the ''Zero point zero'' clip once again. Eric went on to say that he doesn't' get why they can support a web site where they take pot shots at them all the time. He got in a plug for JFSC.tv before getting off the line.
Howard read the meet and greet promotional ad for Eric. They looked through that for a second and then Artie got back into the ''Zero point zero'' thing and talked about the scene in Animal House that they took that from.
Artie said that he was still in Atlantic City this morning and drove back at about 3 in the morning. He said that he got home just in time to get a few things together and to catch a ride with his driver.
Artie said that he's doing a benefit show for the teacher that lost her job at Caroline's on July 18th. He said that he's going to have some stuff to sell there and he's going to be trying to raise some money for them because they really need money for a lawyer.
Howard said his mother enforced that rule and taught him to stick to his agreements. Robin told a story about her brother stealing the TV from her one day and her mother enforced that too. She told her that her brother was older than her and he gets what he wants.
Howard said that he watched a porno movie called ''Strap On Sally 19'' last night and it was really good. He said that it starred Gina Lynn and he really likes her. He said that he doesn't get the dildo thing but he liked the rest of the movie. He said that he doesn't watch a lot of porn, only when Beth is on her period or she's not around. He said that she wasn't around last night.
Howard said that he'll bang Beth when she's on her period but she doesn't like doing it when she is. He said he that he went down on a chick one time when she was on her period and came up with a face full of blood.
Artie said that he has a story about another celebrity who banged another big celebrity and when the guy went down on her and came up with blood on his face. He thought it was the coke he was doing, he didn't know it was the period blood. The chick then told him that it might be her time of the month.
Artie said that the chick he banged down in Atlantic City, not the same one from his house, had her pussy shaved like a lightning bolt. He said that he's not sure if she did that for him or not but it was so hot. He said that she's really into sex. He said that she's really cool. Howard said that he's not sure he could date someone who has a lightning bolt on her pussy.
Howard said that if his mother had something like that, he'd be upset. Artie said he would too. He said that this chick is one of those chicks that's into heavy set guys and he figures that maybe her father fucked her good or something. He said he was just joking about that.
Artie said that it's hot for him to get a rich, hot chick but this chick loved the Water Club so much. He said that she was going wild over that.
Howard said that Beetlejuice, Double A, Nicole Bass, John the Stutterer, Gay Ramone, Elephant Boy, Jeff, Croy, Yucko the Clown and Siobhan all bowled against each other. Mariann from Brooklyn was there and so was Joey Boots doing some other stuff.
Howard said that Doug Goodstein told him that a lot of the guys had bad body odor and smelled like shit. Artie said that Doug ended up staying at his house for a couple of days and he didn't even have to go home to his wife and kid. He said that Doug must be a real man's man if he can do that.
Artie said that Doug was fishing out on the dock there at his house and he spent hours out doing that. Howard said that there are a lot of guys who claim to love having kids but they spend as much time away from their kids as they can. Doug came in and said that it was just one day that he was at Artie's place. He said that he was crabbing and fishing down there and it was very relaxing for him.
Doug was also talking about Jeff the Drunk's bowling and how he has a spin on the ball that's pretty professional looking.
Artie said that he had a boat full of hot chicks show up to his dock. He said that some fans found out where he lives and a lot of people will float by and wave. He said that this one boat showed up with like 6 hot chicks on it and they were all waving and stuff. He said that he usually tells them to get out of there but with hot chicks they all ran out to the end of the pier. He said that there was only one dude on the boat and it was probably someone's father.
There was one girl who was 25, and Artie said she was the hottest. There were some 19-20 year olds and maybe one 18 year old. They were all in bikinis and he told them to stop by on any Saturday or Sunday. He said that he has boat lifts there and they said they'll come back. Howard said that they'll probably come back with their boyfriends. Artie said he told them that they can't come with dudes. They'll throw an anchor at them if they do.
Howard said that he had to go to break but Jeff told a story about going down to smoke with Yucko and this woman got on the elevator and told her kids not to be afraid of the clown. Yucko was really nice for a minute and then told them that there was no Santa Claus.
Doug asked Jeff why he sweats so much and then pointed out that there were some really smelly people at the bowling thing. Doug said that they had some girls there who did smell good and he had to go up to them and smell them just to get the stink out of his nose. He said that Elephant Boy was the worst. He said that he's got really bad body odor.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Howard that the worst smell at the bowling thing was Siobhan. He said that the smell that came out from between her legs was really awful. They talked about that and how bad it was and brought up the time that High Pitch Mike had Siobhan sit on his face. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Robin how her vacation was. Robin said she went to Rome for a few days. She didn't go with Jim since he was over in Afghanistan. She said that she was a little anxious about that. Howard said that would have been kind of fucked up if she found someone she really likes and then he gets killed in Afghanistan.
Robin said she saw the ruins over in Rome with her nephew. She said that she and Jim kept in touch while he was over there. She said they e-mailed each other and she did hear about Artie's meltdown.
Artie said that they were going to an internet cafe to go on the web to find out what was going on back in the states. He said that's how they found out that A-Rod was allegedly banging Madonna. Howard said that he saw that Peter Cooke was beating off for people on camera on the web according to what Christie Brinkley was saying.
Artie said that he didn't hear all of that because he was away when the news broke. Howard said that's what he thinks he read but his reading comprehension might not be right. Gary said that they're looking it up now but they don't think that his reading comprehension is right.
Howard said that he has met Christie Brinkley and Peter Cooke in the past and was actually e-mailing Peter. He said that people are fascinated by the story because the guy had no money of his own and was using Christie's money to do all of this weird shit.
Artie interrupted and asked Howard to switch his headset because his was all fucked up. Howard didn't know what he was talking about but eventually figured it out.
Howard got the article he was talking about and read that Peter Cooke was masturbating on a web camera for people but it didn't say if it was for men or women. He said that most women don't want to see that kind of thing.
Howard said that most guys he knows have done weird shit with chicks and have fucked over chicks before so it's not that crazy that this guy is doing it to Christie Brinkley. He said that he does have to choose her side in this whole thing though. It's kind of weird. Robin said that she saw that the guy has a hot girlfriend now.
Howard said that Charlie Sheen has another chick and he can't believe that anyone would believe that he's going to be the right one. He goes through a lot of women and the relationships never last.
Gary said that he read about the web site that Peter Cooke was allegedly using to jerk off on and he heard that JD had been on the site. JD came in and said that Lisa G doesn't know what she's talking about. He said that he never said he was on the site but he knew about it. He said that he signed up for it but he was never actually ''on'' the site. He said that it was a long time ago and he didn't do anything on it. He said that Lisa is telling Gary that he's some kind of expert or something but he's not.
Howard asked JD if that's his new look with the short hair. JD said that he just got it cut, it's not his new look. Robin said that Jason did something strange to his hair too. She said it looks like he cut it himself. Jason came in and said that it was just a hair cut and shaved like always.
Howard said that he heard that JD likes to look at escort web sites to see what escorts are in town. JD said that he does look at them but they're too expensive for him.
Howard said that Sal went out over vacation and asked women what they think about this Peter Cooke thing. He played some of those clips. Sal asked the women what their thoughts were for Peter Cooke. He'd ask them what their words of hope were for Peter and the women would walk away. He was also asking if a big penis or a big pay check was more important to them. Most of the women wouldn't answer, one woman said it was the pay check.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks that Peter Cooke got a bad deal. He said that they had a pre-nup so they didn't have to go through a whole case and bring all of this out in the open. He said that he's not sure why they went through that.
Dominic said that life is too short to go through stuff like that. He said that it was a custody battle and there's no way he ever would have gotten custody of those kids because Christie just happens to be a great mother. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Dominic about that and let him go after that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who pointed out that she thinks Robin is really in love with Jim after some of the stuff she's been saying. She also said that Beth looked great on the cover of the Hamptons magazine. She also said that she has to teach some of those Wack Packers how to shower.
Robin asked Howard if Beth was a little person and she was the same person she is now, would he date her. Howard said no way to that. He said that he likes that she's so tall. He said that he's really into her looks too.
Howard asked Robin if she would still love Jim if he had tiny testicles instead of his huge balls. She just laughed.
Howard said he saw some movies over vacation and one of them was an independent film called ''The Wackness'' and it's got a scene with Ben Kingsley making out with Mary Kate Olsen. He explained the movie and said that it was actually great. He said that he hopes that people support it and go out and see it.
Artie said that he met the writer/director of that movie at Letterman when he was on the same night as Ben Kingsley and the guy made it a point to come up and say hi to him.
Howard said that The Wackness is really good. He also said that he saw Hellboy 2 and it was great. He got to sit next to Stephen Spielberg but Spielberg doesn't like him. He said he saw with Chuck Scarborough from a local news channel. He introduced him to Spielberg and shook his hand but that was it. He said Spielberg really dislikes him. He said that he makes fun of his adopting black kids and he doesn't like that.
Artie said that Howard's impression of Spielberg is one of the funniest things he did in the past. He said he really enjoyed that bit when he'd do it. Howard went into the impression a little bit but also said that he's a fan of a lot of Spielberg's movies. He doesn't like all of them but he does like some.
Howard said he liked Hellboy 2 but Beth wasn't into it. He said that the movie is good but not great. He said it was fun. Robin said she saw the Incredible Hulk but it was just okay. She didn't love it but she did like it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Artie if his trip to Afghanistan is going to make him more humble and maybe make him go on a diet. Artie didn't understand the question so Howard tried to help and asked Artie if his trip was going to make him change the way he eats and maybe diet and lose some weight. Artie said that he is way more happier since getting back from Afghanistan. He said that he saw what's going on over there and saw how far removed we are from all of that.
Artie said that a health kick would make him unhappy again. He said he will try to stay off the alcohol for 3 months like the doctor asked him to. He said that he did fall off the wagon once already but he hopes to be able to stay away from it. Artie said that he will get really upset if one of those kids he met over there dies.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's upset about the changes they made with Mastertape Theatre lately. They moved it to Sunday afternoons at 3pm. Howard said he'd talk to Tim Sabean about that.
Artie said that they set a record in Afghanistan in June and had 28 deaths of U.S. troops. He said that they met a kid there who had lost 6 of the 10 guys he was with that day that they met him at the meet and greet. A lot of that is due to the prison break that happened over there recently.
Steve said they have more news about Kenneth Keith Kallenbach's death and said that he actually died the day before it was originally reported. they have some news about the Bubbapalooza and more.
Eric the Midget called in to defend himself over the Langford story about him. Eric said that no one cares if he showed up late. Eric asked Langford why he keeps doing these stories. Fred threw in the ''Zero point zero'' clip again.
Eric said that he was late for the appearance because he and Johnny were working on the money he was owed. He was waiting on his $300 that he agreed on. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Steve quickly mentioned that this is the 18th anniversary of the Channel 9 show debut which was on July 14, 1990.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the stuff that they were going to try and cover today. They had to take another break after that.
Howard had Robin get to her news after playing a song parody about her. It was ''Robin Whip Your Tits Out'' to the tune of Who Let The Dogs Out.
Robin started off with a story about Angelina Jolie having her kids while they were away. Someone paid 20 million bucks to get the first pictures of their new baby. Howard said that they were offered a lot of money for pictures from their wedding and they were told they could give the money to a charity of their choice. Howard said he didn't want to give it to charity and he didn't want to be in a magazine with his wedding. He said that if they're doing it for the good of some charity that might be okay but he's not sure he wants to do that.
Howard said he did feel kind of guilty when he turned it down but he doesn't want people lurking around his wedding. Robin said that they could use their own photographer if they wanted to and then use one of those pictures.
Robin got to some other news about Angelina's babies. She's going to be staying in the hospital for a few days after having the twins. Robin had Howard play some audio of a French doctor talking about the babies and that led to Fred doing his French impression and doing some ''Brown eyes'' (in a French accent ''brown ass'') jokes.
Howard said that a lot of people thought his kids were going to turn out heinous looking but they turned out very nice looking. He said that they always had boyfriends and they were popular. He said that he jokingly told Beth that they killed two kids because they were too ugly.
Howard said that he had a couple over with their kids recently and he was worn out just watching them putting so much energy into them. He said that Beth was talking about how their kids would probably turn out really ugly and way too tall.
Robin read some news about Brett Favre and how he might be trying to make a comeback. Artie said that a lot of Packer fans are upset that he might be coming back and not playing for the Packers. Artie said that he was talking to Bubba about that at his show the other day. That led to Robin having Howard play a clip of Favre breaking down and crying after his retirement.
Robin read some news about a tennis match that went on during their vacation and how it became a classic immediately. It was the Federer and Nadal match that she was talking about.
Robin read some news about Pope Benedict, Iraq and Afghanistan and more. Howard interrupted and said he got a note from the guys saying that Artie had no garbage cans at his house so he had garbage bags hanging from his door knobs. Artie said that his mother is buying stuff for the house and she's waiting on the waste baskets.
Robin read some news about Larry Harmon (Bozo the Clown) dying recently. They spent a minute on that and then Howard brought up the comments that Jesse Jackson made about Barack Obama. He said that everyone probably heard about that but went into the story anyway. They goofed on Jackson and his mumble mouthed comments for a few minutes.
Robin went through some other news about Jesse Ventura and Al Franken running against each other in Minnesota. She also talked about Tony Snow dying over the weekend. Howard said that guy seemed to be a nice guy, even though he didn't agree with his politics, and it was really sad that he died.
Robin read some news about A-Rod and Madonna. That led to Artie getting pissed at A-Rod for doing something like that when he doesn't even have a ring yet. Robin read a story about Cher getting secretly married recently. That led to the guys talking about Ronnie being at Artie's party with a young chippie. Robin said that she's seen Ronnie with her twice now.
Robin read a story about dogs that bite the most. It turns out to be cocker spaniels, not pit bulls as a lot of people think.
Artie was talking about how Bubba the Love Sponge might need an intervention with that weight gain. He said that he's really out of control. He said that he's been involved with a few interventions with people they know there and Bubba might be the next. Howard moved things along and didn't spend much time on that.
Robin read a story about a guy who was arrested for having a topless Barbie doll in his car. He also had some other pornographic material in the car.
Robin also had some news about Hellboy 2 being the number 1 movie at the box office. They played some clips and Howard cut them off saying that it was silly to play. That led to Artie recommending a movie called ''Before The Devil Knows You're Dead'' which he saw on his trip to Afghanistan. He said that Marissa Tomei is naked in it and her tits are amazing.
Robin had some stuff about Eddie Murphy's new movie and had Howard playing some audio clips of Eddie talking about the movie. They talked about how sad it is that Eddie is doing such bad movies these days. Robin wrapped up after that and they ended the show around 10:45am.
Gary talked about some of the stuff they saw over there when they were flying around with the troops. He said that it was pretty fascinating to see what was going on over there. He said that they saw a lot of stuff outside of the base and it was kind of scary but very interesting.
Gary said that Jim Florentine is like a saint and they got along very well over there. He said that Dave Attell has been over there about 5 times before so he was like their tour guide. Dave was going around and sitting with the troops and stuff while they were eating.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thought Howard was kind of a cock sucker for turning off the conversation this morning. He said the fans would have eaten it all up if they had done it for four hours straight. Gary said that he appreciates that but Ralph got into Howard's head before the show.
Artie said that he thinks Gary is right and Howard loves the fans so much that he wanted to rush them through that stuff. He said that he felt rushed during the conversation. He was trying to talk about a bunch of things and he'd change subjects.
Artie said that he saw that there were some fans who were calling in and telling Howard not to cut them off. That was during the break before Howard let them tell some more stories. He said they got to most of the highlights but he did feel a little rushed.
Gary said he was panicked because he thought Howard was going to cut him off. Artie said that he had to tell some of the stories that Howard was rushing them through so he went through with them anyway.
Jon played a clip where Howard cut Gary off and mentioned Ralph's comment to him. That got Artie a little upset. He said that he didn't realize that Howard had said that. Artie said that if Gary was the only one who had gone over there, he would have gotten maybe 30 seconds to talk about the trip.
Artie said that he was probably within 2 miles of Bin Laden and he tried telling Howard that toward the end of the show. He seemed interested in that but they didn't have time to get into it.
Artie said that he thinks he picked the 3 best comedians to work with over there and Gary made a great host. He said that things went really well and the USO loved it too. He gave some shout outs to the guys who helped them out over there and said that he's going to take them out to dinner when they're back in the states. He threw out a bunch of names of the people who helped organize the whole thing.
Gary said that it was great that they all got along as well as they did. He said it would have been much tougher if they hadn't. He said that Nick gets irritated really easy but he's fun to be around.
Ralph called in and said that he was just joking around with Howard about the stories being too long. He said that he didn't mean to make Howard cut them off but it's also Howard's show so he has complete control over that. Gary said that it could have been the seed that he planted in his head that led to Howard cutting the stories short.
Artie said that they didn't tell all of their stories this morning either. He said that he's got more to tell. Artie also said that Howard loves the show so much that he'll blow off an A-list celebrity to have Beetlejuice on because he knows that Beetlejuice is going to make the audience laugh.
Ralph said that he thinks they should have an hour long show where they could tell their stories on Howard 101 or something. That way people would know what they're in for. Gary said that's a good idea because they could tell the fans what they were going to be hearing.
Gary said that he kept a journal of what was going on over there and he wrote about how Artie was obsessed with apples over there. He was eating a lot of apples and actually threw away half of a Nestle chocolate bar when he got him one.
Jon told Ralph that he was nominated as the one who will probably spend the most time at Artie's new house. Ralph said that he'll see about that. He told Artie that he thinks that his mother and sister are great fun to be around too.
Artie talked about how nuts some of that stuff was at Bubba's show and how they once threw shit into a fan and sprayed it onto some people outside of Bubba's studio.
Jon asked Artie about Robin being kind of rough on him today. Artie said that she seemed fine when she was over and he didn't know that she was so upset about the way things went. He said that he didn't have the appropriate things there for her.
The guys talked about how Howard can really rip apart a nice evening when he gets on the air. They talked about some of the times that he's ripped apart parties and stuff like that when everyone else seemed to enjoy it.
Ralph was saying that it's kind of strange that Robin is trying to make someone get her vegan food that hasn't even touched any meat or anything. Artie said that he's not into that kind of thing and he's not going to be getting vegan food.
Artie said that Howard and Beth are very anal about making sure that their guests are happy and they do what they can for everyone. He said that he's not used to doing that kind of thing and he can't make everyone happy.
Jon said that Artie goes out of his way to show everyone where the food is and stuff like that. Artie was upset that people weren't defending him this morning when he was getting ripped apart. Jon said that he was the one saying that Artie was calling it a barbecue but had pizza and Italian food instead.
Jon said that he was going to let Artie tell his stories on this show at his own pace for as long as he wanted. Artie said he might as well be telling them in his kitchen.
Jon played a clip of Robin ripping Artie apart about the food he had available for the guests and how she had to pick the peppers out of the food. Artie said that he doesn't want her there any more if that's the way she's going to treat him.
Jon took some calls and one guy who was stationed over there for a while told Artie that it took him about 4 months to get used to that shit pond smell. The caller also brought up the SFN thread that Gary had to comment on because this soldier was going off on him about not wanting to sign that book.
Gary said that guy started out by posting stuff on Artie's site and then went to SFN. He said it was a real bummer because they were having a great time with the soldiers and hanging out with them. Artie said that their fourth show got canceled so they ended up meeting with some soldiers and stuff.
Artie said that one guy got in trouble over there when he left the hospital to meet them. Gary said that the guy that got that guy in trouble was the same guy who posted the stuff on SFN. Artie didn't know that so it was news to him.
Artie defended Gary and also talked about Jim Norton being a great guy. He said that he's friends with Jim and Jim used to be a Stern fan when he was growing up. Jon said that it sounds like the guy just wanted to stir up shit with them. That's exactly what happened because they're talking about him now.
A caller said that the reason they want those Juicy Juice boxes over there is so they can make alcohol. Gary didn't know how that worked but the caller said that they just have to put the boxes in the sun.
Artie and Tony talked about the Man Cave thing and Gary got in on that since he had his basement done by the guys for his Man Cave. Artie asked when their episodes are supposed to air. Tony had no idea. Gary said he heard it was going to be by November.
Artie was talking about a producer who was there that he's worked with in the past and how he helped him get to where he is now. Tony said that guy, Stafford, kind of dresses funny. Artie said that he does dress like a Long Island Preppie.
Artie said that he and Tony are going to be having a meeting for a show where they're going to play Spin Class instructors.
Jon asked Tony who was harder to work with, Artie or Gary. Tony said that they were both very easy to work with but Artie barely showed up to do anything. He said that Artie was all about the snacking and food. Gary was more about taking shoes off and wearing surgical gloves in the house.
Artie kept the conversation going even though Jon said that he had to take a break 5 minutes before. Gary said that he remembered a story from the airport when they were on their trip. He overheard Artie telling a hot chick how he was on a USO tour and that they had been under mortar fire. Tony said that they're going to Kuwait to do a Man Cave over there. He said they're leaving on Saturday for that. They went to break right after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who thinks that Ralph's comment to Howard did get to him and maybe that's why he rushed the guys through their stories. The caller asked Gary about what his scariest moment was over there. Gary said that he didn't get scared even when the mortar fire was going on because the soldiers weren't scared. Gary said that they later found out that there was some mortar fire outside of the base.
Jon said that they were talking about that web site that Peter Cooke was using and how JD used to be a member. JD got very upset about them saying that he was on it. JD came in to defend himself again. He said that he was on the site, but not really. He said he signed up for the site for other stuff but he's not sure what they do now. He said he signed up to find chicks.
JD said that he didn't feel like paying money to do it so he didn't bother with it. He went off on Lisa G for telling Gary that he was an expert on the site. Gary said that may have been his fault because he kind of embellished the story a little bit.
JD said he didn't do anything on that site so he really doesn't know what's up with it. He was out of breath and coughing from running down there from his office. Jon let him off the hook and let him drink some water.
Another caller thought that Howard was kind of embarrassed that this wasn't a trip that he went on and that's why he rushed them through it. Gary said he doesn't think that's the case at all. He said that there might be something to it about him not wanting to talk much about it if it wasn't about him though. Jon said that it is the Howard Stern Show and he makes the calls on what goes on and how long they spend on a subject.
JD said that he was better now and he was going to leave. Jon told him to stick around since they only had a couple more minutes.
Another caller said that Gary was kind of like Artie's little brother and he wants to latch on to everything he does. Gary told the guy to suck his dick in a joking way. The caller said that Gary will do anything to get out of the house and that's why he went on this trip. Gary said that's not the case at all and he does a lot of stuff that Artie doesn't do. The two of them argued for a few minutes before they had to end the show.
Howard started the show talking about how much he had to get to today. He went to the phones before getting to anything else. The first caller asked if Howard heard about Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. Howard said he did hear about it. He said that the two of them split up. That was news to Artie. Howard said that he's very sad about it. Robin said she is too.
Artie jokingly said that Sarah is dating Ralph now. Howard said that's funny because Ralph joked that he was going to get back at Jimmy for not liking him by fucking Sarah.
Howard said that Jimmy and Sarah were supposed to vacation with them over vacation and he didn't know that they were in trouble until this past weekend. He said that they didn't come out to visit this past weekend like they were supposed to. He said that Jimmy e-mailed him and told him that they were going through some tough times and weren't coming out.
Howard said that he wanted to talk to Jimmy about it on the phone and he kind of left it there. He said he felt really bad about it and said that he got so upset that he had to go take a walk. He said that he spoke to Jimmy and he said that it was very mutual and it was like he'd lost his best friend. He said that it sounds like they're not even talking right now because it's so painful. He said that's just a feeling he gets.
Howard said that Beth wrote to Sarah and then he wrote to Sarah and she's very sad too. Howard said she was telling them that Jimmy is a great guy and she hopes that he finds someone else. Howard said that relationships just wear out sometimes.
Artie said that he's known the two of them for a long time and they're two of his favorite people in show business. He said that Sarah has always dated comedians as long as he's known her. He said that dating a comedian is tough because they tend to be crazed egomaniacs. He said that Dana could tell them about that.
Howard said he didn't see this coming at all because they were so tight. He said that Sarah would always talk about how much she loved Jimmy. He said that she was always talking about how they didn't need to be married and they would be together forever.
Howard said that Jimmy once told him that Sarah would go shopping and she'd look at everything but she'd come out with only a rugby shirt. He was right and it showed how well he knew her. Howard said he couldn't imagine that they'd break up. He said he asked Jimmy to come out and hang himself but he didn't feel right doing that without Sarah. It was something they'd planned together and he didn't feel right being solo with a couple like the two of them.
Howard said he asked Jimmy if it was Sarah smelling Richard's balls that broke them up. Jimmy told him that was the case just joking around.
Artie said that Jimmy has admitted he's only been with a couple of women in his life so maybe he had a lot of women coming on to him or something. He said that it can get pretty hard when there are a lot of women coming on to you like that. He said that Jimmy may have wanted to sew some wild oats or something. Howard said he could be right.
Artie said that he thinks that Sarah dated Dave Attell for a couple of years. Howard said that Dave is coming in today so he can talk about that then. Howard took another call from a guy who asked how Dave Attell got Sarah Silverman. Artie went on to tell the guy that Dave was one of those guys back in the 90s that was one of the best club comedians they'd ever seen. He was making people laugh so hard it would move the walls at the clubs. He said that Sarah was probably impressed by that.
The caller asked Howard if they were going to have to choose sides in this break up. Howard said that's a good question. Both Jimmy and Sarah are on the guest list. He said that he and Beth were talking and they love both Jimmy and Sarah. He's not sure what they're going to do but Jimmy may be on the list first. He said he may have to have the two of them write essays to try and get in on the wedding.
Howard said that he saw Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn over vacation and he's still friends with Rebecca. He said he's not sure if John Stamos cares about that or not. He said that the break up stuff is kind of weird. He said that he's still in contact with both of them and he's not sure what to do.
Artie joked that Benjy has sided with Dana. That led to Howard saying that he got a letter from Dana over vacation and it was 3 pages long. She sent some pictures along with it and she talked about how his father just wanted to hear the show while he was in the green room one day. She took two pictures of him sitting close to the speaker so he could hear it and it means a lot to Howard.
Artie said that he has some old video that Dana helped out with when he was doing some comedy clubs. She was in charge of the camera and she knew when he was going to do certain jokes so she would zoom in and zoom out on certain jokes and did it amazingly well. He said that he started to cry when he watched the video and she did so well taping it. He said that she notices stuff about people like that and it's great.
The caller on the line asked Howard how long Artie would have to wait before he could date Sarah. Artie said that Sarah has a sister, Laura Silverman, who is adorable. He said that there was a show on Comedy Central called Dr. Katz and she did some voices on there. He said that she was hilarious on that and he met her at a party that he went to one time. He said that at the end of the night at the party he was talking to both Sarah and Laura and they were kind of flirting. He said that they went to an International House of Pancakes and he thought that he was getting that vibe from them. He said that Norm MacDonald heard he was going and asked him ''Man, you're going to fuck the Silverman sisters?'' He said that he never did. He went to the IHOP and had pancakes and the girls never showed up.
Artie said he doesn't think that Sarah would ever date him anyway. He said that the Jimmy thing would hold him up too but that's only if he had a shot at dating Sarah.
Ralph called in and said that he knows why Jimmy was being such an asshole to him recently. He said that he was all upset and acting cunty and irrational. He figures it all had to do with Jimmy and Sarah's relationship not going well.
Artie said that it really is sad because they're two of his favorite people. He said that he thinks that Sarah really liked Jimmy's kids too because she was watching them and seemed to be enjoying it. Robin said that's sad because everyone is losing in this break up. Howard joked that Sarah is getting Jimmy's kids in the break up because she was so good with them.
Artie said that there could be a million things that broke them up. Howard said that Jimmy was saying that it looks like it's really over now and there's no chance of them making up.
Artie said he was there the night that they met at the Hugh Hefner roast back in 2001. He spent a few seconds talking about that.
Robin said that she's going to be freaked out from now on when she hear's Eric's voice. Howard played some more of the kid saying ''Redrum'' over and over again. The kid did kind of sound like Eric. Howard said that Dan was right on with that.
Robin said that they have to have Eric say ''redrum'' when he calls in next. Howard played some more of the movie and had the guys laughing.
Howard said that it's getting old hearing this stuff over and over again. Riley went off on him for not paying him a decent salary. Howard said that he doesn't think that Riley understands where he's coming from and it's really time for him to move on. He said that he's really not being treated right and he should just move on.
Howard said that a talent like his should be paid more and they're just not going to be able to do it there. Howard said that he was making $96 a week when he started out so Riley should move on and find a better paying job.
Riley went off on Howard about how much money he has and how they can afford to pay him. Howard said that he agrees with him on everything and he really should just leave and go make more money somewhere else.
Robin asked Riley if he likes all of this alien talk coming out of Texas. Riley said that he's been trying to inform people about this stuff all along.
Howard said that he feels that everything Riley has said is right on and he'd like to let him out of his contract today. He asked Riley if he would like to end the relationship with them right now. Riley said that he will go broke if he does that. He said that if they want him to leave then he will but he will honor his contract.
Howard asked Tim if he'd be okay with Riley leaving his contract because he really needs to move on to make more money. Riley didn't sound like he wanted to leave in the middle of his contract and was kind of rambling. Artie asked him what the fuck he was talking about.
Tim Sabean came in so Howard asked him if he can let Riley out of his contract. Tim said that he'd be fine with doing that. Riley said that they have to pay him what they owe him for the remainder of his contract. Howard told him they can't do that but if he wants to get out of that contract they can work with him and let him go move on to some other job. He said he doesn't want to hold him back anymore.
Riley gave them a ''fuck you very much'' and he will find a way to make it out there. He told Howard that he has nothing but his love. Howard asked him if he's done with the channels as of today. Riley said that if he's saying so then he will be done with it. He said he wants to be paid until the end of his contract. Howard told him to stop bitching until the end of it then.
Howard said that he will let Riley go out and solicit other offers if he wants. He doesn't have to wait until the end of his contract.
Artie said that he has a way to settle this. He said that he might have the amount of the rest of his contract on him and he'll pay Riley if he comes down today. He said he had 40 bucks on him if he wanted to come collect it.
Riley said that he's tired of being worked so hard for so little money. Tim said that a deal is a deal and the contract is what he agreed to. Riley said that he's waiting for this merger to go through and he wants to see that happen.
Riley told Howard to go get his lady another $16 million toilet. Howard said okay to that and tried to wrap up with him. He told Riley that he will no longer ask Riley to be part of this come November. He said that all he does is resent them and not appreciate the job he has. Howard said that he's going to do something decent for him and let him go when his contract is up.
Howard told Riley to go find another occupation. This isn't working for him and he needs to get out of it. Tim said that they even set him up in his own house so he doesn't have to come in and do his show every week.
Riley said that it would be nice if Robin paid for her damn symbols that he sent to her. He claims he sent her three. Robin said that she didn't ask for them so she didn't know that she owed him for them. She asked how much she owed. Howard told her they're $38.50 each.
Howard let Riley go and said he was going to play the prank call that Sal and Richard made with clips of Riley's voice. Howard told the guys that he's going to make Riley do the show for free or make him pay them to do the show. Riley got off the line and said ''God bless you all'' before going.
Howard played the prank call that Sal and Richard did with Riley's voice. They had Riley saying hello using a bunch of different names. The guy on the phone would get into the call when his name was brought up but then Riley would say a bunch of different names and the guy would hang up.
Howard said that the Riley Martin saga continues. He said that his show is on tonight at Midnight on Howard 101. He said that he'll be talking about food poisoning remedies on the show tonight.
Artie said he heard Riley saying that there seems to be a double standard with Riley. He said that he goofs on Robin for dating a white guy but Riley's wife is white and quite hot from what he's heard.
A caller asked Howard to keep Riley on the air because he thinks that he's great on the radio. He said he'll send in some extra money every month just to keep him on the air. Howard said that he's doing his best to keep him on there.
Howard said he's not sure why Batman has to meet the Joker all the time when they had so many other foes in the comic books. Artie said that Ledger has to follow Nicholson playing the Joker and that's a tough one.
Howard said that he's hearing that the movie is so good that it might just get an Academy award. Robin said that it seems like they're building this up based on Ledger's death.
Howard had a review from Richard Roeper where he said that it was one of the best movies of the year. He said that it was the best super hero epic ever. Roeper said that it was a great film and suggested that people go out and see it twice.
Artie pointed out that Roeper knows what he's talking about because he gave his movie Beer League two thumbs up. Howard said that he's looking forward to seeing the movie and so is Robin.
Artie said that Spider-Man 3 was great and he loved it. He wasn't sure Howard was right about that. Artie said he still has to see Iron Man though.
Howard said that Ralph has a lot of puppets and dolls in his apartment and it's kind of weird. He said that he doesn't let a lot of people into his apartment but he heard that a chick went in there and left screaming.
JD said he wanted to make a documentary about Ralph but he won't let him do it. Howard said that Ralph arranged to get this Iron Man stand up from the movie and he has that in his apartment.
Howard said that he called him and asked if it was okay to ask Gary to help him get one of those standees. He had the voice mail message that he left for Gary about that thing. In the clip Ralph is talking about how big this thing is and how great it is. He sounded like a little kid talking about this new toy of his.
Howard said that Ralph is getting close to 50 years old now and he's still playing with these toys. He went on to talk about this woman that Ralph was dating who told him that her friend told her to ''head for ze hills'' when she found out about all of these things he had in his apartment.
Ralph called in and said that he couldn't get rid of that chick even after that. Ralph said that she was bothered that he had pictures of Pam Anderson hanging in his apartment but he just told her that she's hot.
Howard said that Ralph saw the Batmobile out on the street and wanted to take a picture of it with his iPhone. He said that a security guy told him he has to move along. Ralph asked why he had to move along if the car was parked out on the public street. Ralph said that the guy was an asshole.
Howard said that Ralph said he was going to take a picture and told the guy to back off. Ralph did that and took his picture and moved along. He said he went back later to see it again but they had it covered up.
Ralph said that he has like 1500 pictures in his iPhone. He said that he doesn't always download them but he does once in a while. He said that he's go so much space on it that he doesn't have to delete them. Howard said that he's never seen someone take so many pictures with an iPhone before. He said that he takes pictures of everything. Ralph said that he even takes the phone to bed and he never gets sick of it like he does with other stuff.
Artie was telling Howard that Ralph was showing him the iPhone and he was able to go on YouTube to show him a video. Howard sounded impressed by that. Artie said that the video was impressive too. Howard said that he didn't know he could do that because he can't watch video on his Treo. Ralph told him that the Treo sucks.
Howard said that he's not switching phones again because he went from a Blackberry to the Treo and he's not going to spend that much time trying to figure out a new one. Artie said that he's got an iPhone but he's got another phone that's just a flip up phone that came with his car. He said that he can't learn how to do this e-mail thing and he's just doing text messages now. Artie said that he's got tons of texts coming in now and his assistant is taking care of the e-mail now.
Artie said that he doesn't do the ''LOL'' stuff or anything like that. He said he will abbreviate ''two'' with the number 2. He said that he likes that some people use ''L8R'' and he might start doing that. He said that a smoking hot chick taught him how to do the texting thing and chicks seem to love doing that. He said that they get way more intimate in texts because they don't actually have to say it out loud.
Howard said he wants to see Artie text. Artie said he would do it. Howard told him to write ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.'' Artie said that it would take him a little while to do that. He was going to text Gary that line. Artie said that he had to dial Gary's number first to bring that up on his screen. Howard had Fred time him to see how long it would take to send that simple text.
Artie said that he was on ''rain'' after about 30 seconds. Artie said that he took typing in school but his father told him that was for broads and he'd never need to learn that.
Gary came in with a text that Artie sent to Jason. Howard read the text and Artie was abbreviating a lot of what he was writing. Artie was still working on his text to Gary.
Artie said that he took typing in 8th grade and all he did was goof around. Artie finished up his text and it took him 2 and a half minutes to do it. Howard laughed at him about that. Artie said that it's easier to do that than make a whole phone call out of it. He said that chicks get friskier on the text too so he likes it for that.
Ralph said he was texting Artie for about an hour the other night. Howard said he could never do that for a whole hour.
Artie said that he's going to try a Blackberry or a Treo before he goes to an iPhone or something. He said he thinks that Howard would like one but Howard doesn't want it. He said that he doesn't want to switch because the stuff he has now is working for him.
Howard said he's not looking for a gift from Artie and he doesn't want the iPhone. He said that he's sick of it and he doesn't even have one.
Gary said that he and Artie were talking about what to get them for their wedding but Howard cut him off and said that they're just going to have them donate to a charity instead of getting gifts.
Artie said that they saw a great chess set of Stalin vs. Hitler. Howard said that he doesn't want that. He said that he wants to see the chess pieces clearly and not as characters.
Howard said that he's got another chess set of characters and he can't use it so it's in storage. He said that Ralph is one of these guys with too much stuff in his house that's not useful. He said he doesn't like to have stuff in his house that he can't use. He said that he would have yelled at Artie for giving him that chess set.
Howard said he doesn't get these people who collect shit and just pile it up in their houses. He said that his friend Pat Minokia is like that himself. He said his office is full of shit and you can barely get into it. Howard said that Pat will tell him he's crazy if he says something to him about it.
Robin said that she doesn't even like to have a closet full of stuff that you don't use. Artie said that you have to have a clean work area to paint and stuff and it's tough when your house is full of crap.
Artie was talking about the computer set up Howard has and it's pretty impressive. He said he heard that they scan everything in their computer system from fan mail to articles. Howard said that it is a nice set up. He said he had to go to break after that.
Artie said that they have some t-shirts that they wore on the USO tour and they may get some and give them away to fans. Howard said that would be nice and went to break.
Howard said that the brother must be a really angry dude because he's basically saying that he doesn't want anything to do with her again. He said that she'll never talk to him again after reading what he wrote about her.
Fred said that the big revelation was that Warren Beatty was going through her garbage to find out if she was cheating on him. Howard played some audio of the brother talking about his relationship with Madonna. He talked about how close they were when they were younger and how Guy Richie kind of ruined their relationship.
The brother was talking about the stuff that he thinks ruined the relationship. Howard said that Madonna has to be pissed about all of this stuff. Robin said that she's not encouraged to read this book yet either. Howard said that it's just the fact that it exists at all that must bother her.
Howard moved on and talked about how Stuttering John and John Stamos were named as having the worst bodies of 2007. He said that it looks like John Stamos has a huge outie belly button and it looks like it could have been doctored. He said that he's seen John with his shirt off and he's never noticed that before.
Dominic was saying that these pre-nups that people sign aren't always good in other countries. That led to Howard talking about how even contracts are kind of pointless because companies can just back out and not pay you. He said that's happened with his contracts with Clear Channel and other companies. Now these pre-nups are the same thing and people just back out of them and either demand money or refuse to pay money.
Dominic told the guys about a case he's dealing with now and how a guy is asking for a gift to be given back to him that he gave to his woman when they were together but she was cheating on him. They spent a short time on that.
Ralph called in and asked Howard how he can defend Christie Brinkley. Howard said that he's not defending her, he said that he's just saying that if she's trying to defend her assets and the guy was fucking with her, then she had to bring this stuff out in court.
Howard went on to say that the guy was looking at porn on a family computer and when you do something like that, it's just not right. He argued with Ralph about the case and what's been done. He said there is no way to win when you have a public divorce like that.
Howard said that they don't know what that guy was like, only Christie Brinkley knows what he was like and she did what she felt was right to protect her family. He said that she has to protect her money and her kids and she did what she felt was right. Howard thanked Ralph for calling but told him he had to move on.
Howard said that people are going to be very disappointed in this wedding. He said that they decided to keep it simple and just go to dinner with their friends. He said that they're not doing a big wedding, it's a party. He said that they're going to party and then go home. They're not going to be doing anything wild and it's going to be very disappointing to some people. He said he feels bad about that.
Howard said he met Lisa and her sisters the other night. He said that he was out at an interview with Beth the other night and Lisa was there with her sisters. Howard said that he doesn't enjoy being interviewed by these people but he does it anyway. Howard said that he doesn't remember what the questions were though.
Howard said that Lisa was there with 3 other yentas. He asked if they were all her sisters. Lisa said that two of them were her sisters.
Lisa said that she ran into Mark Consuelos and he is an ordained minister so he will be able to perform the ceremony. Howard said that they sat down and thought about who they wanted to marry them and they're not into the whole religious thing. He said that Beth told him that she wanted Mark to marry them. Artie thought that was kind of strange. He said that broads melt when they hear that guy's name brought up. He thinks that it's going to be competition for Howard.
Artie said he doesn't want any competition when he gets married so he wouldn't allow something like that. He told him he should have the fat guy from the Borat movie marrying them instead.
Robin said that she doesn't approve of this either and she knows that Howard would make fun of other people if they did something like that.
Howard said that Mark happens to be Beth's spiritual counselor so that's why she's having him do this. He said that they go off for hours at a time and aren't seen. He was joking of course.
Lisa said that Robin gave Jim Florentine something before he left for the USO tour. She gave him a CD and a picture of herself for Jim to look at while he was there. Howard asked if that was true. Robin said that Lisa was lying but she may have been trying to cover up. Howard told her that was very romantic and she seems to really be in love. He asked if it was a sexy picture. She said it really wasn't.
Artie said he saw the picture sitting in the barracks when they ran out to do some stuff over in Afghanistan. Howard asked Lisa if she saw the picture. Lisa didn't see it but she found out about it when she interviewed Jim before he went on the trip.
Lisa said that Jim didn't take the picture out of his bag while he was over there from what she heard. Artie said that he was there and Jim didn't take it out because he had about 8 issues of Hustler to keep him busy. He said he sat next to Jim on the plane for like 8 hours and he just listened to Black Sabbath albums and nothing like what Robin gave him.
Howard asked Robin if she ever gave Mr. X a picture of herself. Robin said that she did when he asked for one. Howard said that this is something special then because she's never done that before. Artie said that no one has ever given him a picture.
Howard asked Robin what she wrote on the picture. Robin said she wrote ''Good luck, take care of yourself...'' Howard asked what she was wearing in the picture. She said it was from the party she threw and there were some pictures she liked of herself.
Lisa said that Rev. Bob Levy is going to be taking on Danny Bonaduce on September 13th at the Tropicana in Atlantic City. Artie didn't know that was going on. Robin said that Bob has cut off his smoking and drinking to prepare for that fight.
Artie said that Bob is a tough guy and he loves him and he's seen him fight. He said that Bob can fight a bigger guy so he might have a shot at this Bonaduce thing. Howard said he loves Bob but he thinks that Danny is going to hurt him.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Mark Consuelos is also going to learn to tattoo so he can tattoo Howard's finger like he said he was going to do. Howard said that won't be happening.
Another caller asked what Lisa thought of Howard before she started working there and if Beth should get a restraining order. Howard cut him off and said ''oh please...''
Another caller, Wolfie, pointed out some stuff that Gary does with his tongue when he's just sitting there. He said that he puts his tongue on the corner of his mouth for no apparent reason. Howard thinks that he's doing it to feel the whiskers there on the side of his mouth. Gary said he wasn't even aware that he was doing it.
Howard said that they have to pick some of the Baba Booey song parody finalists soon. Wolfie asked if any of the guys on the staff got laid at their proms. Artie told a story about dating a chick that he got to second base with but didn't get laid that night. Howard said he didn't go to his prom. He said that he didn't even go to his graduation because he hated that school so much. Howard took a call from Bobo but his phone was so bad that he just hung up and went to break.
Howard said she looks beautiful. Artie said hello to her but got her name wrong when he said ''Ashley.'' Artie said that she's got that Lindsay Lohan voice like she's been drinking whiskey.
Howard said he saw Amber singing a song on her web site and she was singing about Paris Hilton. She said that it got pretty popular last year when it got over 30 million views. He asked her if she's smarter than Paris is. She said that she does have a pretty high IQ.
Howard asked Amber how she got into this magazine. She said that Joe Francis called her from jail and asked her to do it. He wanted her on the first cover but they moved her to the third one. She said that she actually dated Joe for a while. Artie said he may have met her before. He said that she may have been with Joe at the William Shatner roast. Amber said that she was. Artie said that he remembers that and his head is going to explode.
Howard asked her why she dated Joe. She said that he was fun and charming. She said that it took a lot of work for him to sleep with her but he did put in the time. She said that he was very nice to her and they're still very close. Howard asked if she just did it once with him or if it lasted a while. She aid that it did go on for a while. Amber said that guys don't usually break up with her, she's the one who breaks up.
Howard asked if the sex was good. She said that it was very energetic. She said that she was very satisfied with him and they covered most of the based doing stuff. She said that she did orgasm with him and it was a vaginal orgasm. Artie said that he's never been in the same room as a woman having a vaginal orgasm.
Amber said that she was on Entourage and her boobs were shown on that show. She said that she was doing another girl in the scene. Artie told her that he has a recurring role on that show. He said that she may have a shot at playing his girlfriend in the show now.
Amber said that Jeremy Piven asked her to help him go over his lines. She did that but not in his trailer. She said that he asked her to hang out with her but she wasn't that interested. She told him that she had a boyfriend. She said that Jeremy is too short for her. She said that she has a height limit and the guy has to be over 6 feet tall. Artie asked her if she has a weight limit too. She said that the guy has to be over 300 pounds.
Amber said that Jeremy called her and left a ton of messages for her. She said that she didn't even give him her number, he got it from someone else.
Howard asked Amber if she played those messages for her friends. She said that she did and she shows text messages to them too. She said that she heard from one of her friends that he's got a small penis too. Artie said that girls are rough.
Amber showed off her legs for the guys and said that she wears panties when she goes out to clubs and stuff. She said that she goes out with her friends to the clubs and stuff and she has made out with other girls and stuff at the clubs. She said it drives the guys crazy. She said that she's only made out with girls but hasn't gone all the way with any.
Amber said that she would like a girl to lick her but she doesn't want to do other girls. She said that she wouldn't say no if a woman asked to do that to her. She was also saying that she does put the effort into banging guys if she's into them. She won't lick an asshole or anything like that. Artie asked her if she doesn't kiss assholes because she did kiss Joe Francis.
Artie said that Jeremy Piven does have a move where he stops scenes and passes notes to people about the script and it appears that he does that to show he has power on that show.
Howard heard that David Spade hit on Amber. Amber said that she was at a party and he came up to her and told her she was a 6 and he usually goes to 10s. She said that she thought it was kind of funny but also thought he was a bit of an asshole. She said that Joe Francis told her that she was a 10 so he must have lied to her.
Howard said that they had Kevin Connelly on the show and he must have hit on her too. She said that she went to a party at his house and he came over and told her she could use the bathroom in his room. She did that but when she came out he was jumping up and down on his bed in his underwear playing some kind of trumpet or something. Amber said that Adrian Grenier spoke to her and they've met like 6 times but he never remembers her.
Howard asked where the wildest place she's ever had sex was. She said that she made love on a wave runner one time. She said it was out in Hawaii behind some islands.
Howard asked Amber who she's backing in the election. She said that she's backing Obama. Howard found out she was single after that and Artie told her to look to her right (at him). Howard said that Amber was in the TV show ''Lost'' too and played the girlfriend of the rock star character. That was in the first season.
Artie said that he just got back from Afghanistan from entertaining the troops over there. He said that they were under mortar fire and all of that stuff. He was trying to impress Amber with all of that. He wanted to present her with one of these coins that the guys over there gave to him. She thanked him for that and said that he'd higher on her list than Jeremy Piven.
Artie told Amber that he wants her to give Teddy her contact number and he'll set her up with this special ceremony. She told Artie to just ask for her number if he wanted it. Artie then said ''Can I have your number?''' and passed her some paper and a pen.
Howard gave Amber some plugs for the Girls Gone Wild magazine and said you can see more at GirlsGoneWildMagazine.com. Then he found out that she likes to be spanked and tied up. Howard had to break after that. Artie sounded like he was still trying to talk to her but Howard was cutting him off.
Howard said that Dave had a show over there that was canceled. Dave said that he ended that show, which was called ''Insomniac.'' Dave said that he was getting tired of doing that and now this Gong Show is great for him. He said that he hasn't been drinking for about 6 months now.
Howard asked Dave if the drinking thing is part of his persona and not so real. Dave said that he's not sure and he just wishes he was Amber Hay right now. He said that he was sick of doing nothing and the drinking was boring. He said that he used to do coke years ago too.
Howard said that Sarah Silverman claims that she didn't see him drinking when she was dating Dave. Dave said that's because he didn't have any money back then. Dave asked Howard what he's going to do with his wedding and suggested he just have two different ones. One in the front of the house and one in the back. He could just run between the two.
Dave was saying that they weren't sure how to recapture that Gong Show stuff in the new version. He said that it was such a fun show back in the 70s. Dave said that Howard has done similar stuff with his show and they used him for inspiration for the new show. Howard said that was nice to hear him say.
Dave said that the Gong Show was the first place where you got to see freaks on TV. He said it was the only outlet for those types of people.
Howard said that America's Got Talent is kind of like a modern Gong Show because they do the same kind of stuff on there. Howard asked if they're looking for real talent on the Gong Show. Dave said ''NO!'' He said that they're not looking for that same kind of thing they have on America's Got Talent. They have all kinds of different judges on their show and the guys get involved in the acts and stuff, like that other show.
Howard asked Dave if anyone is going to be discovered on this show and go on to do big things. Dave said that it hasn't worked for him yet so he's not sure. He said that they want to have all kinds of freaks on the show and they do show a lot of wild stuff on there.
Howard asked Dave if he's making a decent amount of money doing the show. Dave said that they're actually paying him in Mind of Mencia merchandise. Howard said that's about what he expected. Dave said that finding those acts isn't as easy as you'd expect now that YouTube is around. He said that he took the job and turned it into more work than it should be.
Howard asked Dave if they're paying him well or not. Dave said that he's being paid okay. Artie said that he was going to take a guess and he has not spoken to Dave about this at all. He said that he's going to guess that he's getting paid 20 grand an episode for 8 episodes. Dave said that they bring the money if you bring the ratings over there. He said that the Gong Show has been tried before.
Dave said that they're not trying to do what Chuck Barris did on his version. Howard said that Chuck looked drunk or high when he did it and he had a lot of fun with it. Dave said that they approached him to do the show but he wanted nothing to do with it.
Howard asked Dave how long he dated Sarah Silverman. Dave said he didn't remember and asked if he was going to be invited to his wedding. Howard said he wasn't sure about that because they don't really hang out together. Howard asked him if he really expected to be invited to the wedding. Dave said ''absolutely not.'' He told Howard that it's a pleasure not to go to a wedding most times. He said he'd be afraid of messing up going to a wedding like that anyway.
Howard asked Dave more about his break up with Sarah Silverman and who broke up with who. Dave said that Sarah was the one who broke it off. He said that he thinks they went out a couple of years that they dated. He also said he thinks that Jimmy and Sarah will get back together because sweeps week is coming up soon.
Howard asked if the sex was great with Sarah. He's trying to figure out what could have gone wrong with Jimmy and Sarah. Dave said that Sarah is a great lover and she's like 3 in one. Dave said that she really is a great lover and she's a very ''alive'' person. He said that she was into sports and he could care less about that shit.
Howard said that he liked hanging out with Jimmy and Sarah as a couple but that won't happen anymore. Dave wondered why. Howard told him because they're not together anymore. Dave said that he just heard about that the other day and he thinks that they were both just working a lot. He said that it's more of an adult scene there and they're probably too busy for each other.
Howard told Dave that the last time he saw them Sarah was telling him that she really loved Jimmy and thought they were going to be together forever. Howard asked if Dave ever did Jimmy's show. Dave said he did but they didn't share stories about being with Sarah.
Dave said that Howard always brings this stuff up when he comes in and he wonders what he has to do to get him to talk about other stuff. Dav