|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard and the crew were back from their 2 week vacation this morning. Howard started off the show talking about being back live. Robin told him his voice sounded very deep this morning. Howard said she was very horny this morning and almost came over and raped him this morning. Artie said that they know that she liked guys with deep voices. He was referring to Jim Florentine so Fred went right into his impression.
Artie said that he sat next to Jim for what felt like 82 hours on an airplane and heard Jim talking a lot and it could have been Fred. He said he knows that his impression is really good.
Artie said that he threw a party at his new house at the last minute and Howard called and told him he couldn't make it. He said Howard sounded really content and didn't want to leave his house.
Robin said that Artie has had her over to his house twice now. She said that she went over and he had a lot of food there but it was all mixed together and she couldn't just have some vegetables. Robin said that Artie was in the shower for about 2 hours when she was there. Artie said that he had a girl over and he was having some fun there.
Artie said that he was in the shower and he loves it so much that he didn't want to get out. Robin said that his door was open and anyone could have walked in. Artie said that everyone was well fed there but Robin and Jim went out to get some wine. Robin said that she brought a bottle of Dom Perignone for Artie and she carried it around for about 5 hours waiting for him to show up.
Robin said that she had a whole shopping list of stuff to go out and get when she went shopping. Artie said that he wants some people to come in to defend him because he had food, booze, beer and more there and they were all treated very well. Robin said he didn't have a bartender there though. Artie said he was handling that. Robin told him he was hardly there though.
Artie said that he had a girl there and the story about her was funny. Robin said that she heard that he didn't even have any chairs there and had to send Teddy out about 2 hours before the party to get some.
Robin said that she came up to the house on her boat. She had to pilot it herself and it was kind of shallow up there so she had to be really careful.
Artie said that he met this girl Jessica out on the road and she recently moved out to the area from Pittsburgh. He said that he came back from Afghanistan from his USO trip and got back 2 days late. He said that he wanted to have something but wanted to rest first. He said that he invited this Jessica over and she brought a friend with her. He wanted to get JD laid so he invited him to the house since this Jessica had a friend coming with her. He figured he could get him something but JD was out of town. He told Teddy to invite everyone else instead.
Artie said that about 30 people showed up so he called a restaurant and ordered up some pizza, sausage and a bunch of other stuff. It wasn't really a planned party so that's why it was kind of disorganized. Artie said that some people slept over like Ralph. He said that Ralph stayed there for about 3 days.
Artie said that these two girls came and he told the guys that the other chick was single. He said that she was very young and not the kind you bang on the first date. He said that it wouldn't have worked out for JD anyway so it was best he didn't come.
Artie said that he brought Jessica up to the Man Cave and showed her that. Howard stopped him there and said that he must be serious about this chick because he mentioned her name. Artie said that he just forgot but she probably wouldn't mind him saying her name. He said that she's like a solid ''New York 8 1/2'' or a ''Pittsburgh 12.''
Robin cut Artie off and told a story about seeing the peppers that Artie got that day and they were in meat sauce. She's a vegan and she doesn't eat any meat. Artie told her that there was no meat in them. He said that they were in sauce but it wasn't meat sauce. Robin said that it was though.
Robin said that she was picking the peppers out of the sauce when this girl came to him and told him that she wanted to spend some time with him but she was going to have to leave.
Gary came in and that led to the guys talking about being in Afghanistan and shooting off the guns in a military helicopter. Howard asked if they were shooting at the enemy. Gary said it was just into the sand and it was fuckin' awesome.
Artie said that they flew to Kandahar and did a show there. He said that went really good. He said that they came to them and told them that they had to put on helmets and flak jackets and nothing fit Artie. He said that the jacket didn't fit him at all.
Artie said that everyone's stuff fit them just fine except his. He said that this guy Jeff Anthony had set him up with this stuff. He said that they were about to get on this black hawk helicopter. He said that Jeff told him that they had an extender for him. Nick DiPaolo had to help him put that extender on.
Artie got back to his house party story and talked about how Robin and Jim showed up while he was in the shower. He said that he greeted everyone before that and told them that he had to go shower.
Gary wanted to get into the story but Artie was getting upset with him butting into his story. Gary said that he called Artie at noon that day and woke him up. Artie said that he was glad he called because people were showing up in 20 minutes.
Artie said that Gary didn't even come to the party. He said he didn't need him for the party story. He went on to talk about how Robin and Jim had shown up and he spent about a half hour with her. He said that Jessica wanted to leave because her friend had to get going. Robin heard that conversation.
Artie said that Jessica told him that she had been practicing her lap dancing even though she's not a stripper. He said that he put her friend up in the Man Cave while he went into his room with Jessica who wanted to give him a lap dance. He said that he kind of closed the door and then she asked him for some music. Artie said he had the cable TV on and tried to find some music. He said that he was really horny by that point and he just wanted to find something for her to dance to.
Artie said Jessica was asking for some hip hop to play so he eventually found a Biggie Smalls song that he liked. He said that he put it up kind of loud but not loud enough to disturb his guests. He said that she started undressing down to her thong. He said that she was being really sensuous. He said he had a chair over by the bed and started making out with her. He said he did kind of a roll onto the bed from the chair and it was a nice move. He said he could have crushed her though.
Artie said that this girl took her bra off and it was just great. Robin asked if anyone walked in on him. He said that didn't happen. Howard was getting notes that she was on her period. Artie said that she was fine and wasn't on it.
Artie said that his door was open and he could kind of hear people downstairs and heard Robin laughing. He felt like she was laughing at him while he was doing his thing. Howard said that even when you're with a girl for a long time when they do a lap dance it's a great thing.
Robin said that Artie threw everyone out after that. He said that wasn't true and she's lying now. She said that he asked them if they were going to leave after he gave the tour of the house. Artie said that's just not right. He said that she's lying. Robin said that Artie took another shower after that. He said he does shower a lot but that's because he's fat and he loves that shower.
Artie said that Robin got there late so that's why he wasn't available when she showed up. He said that people were in the pool enjoying it and she showed up late. Robin said she had a great time there.
A caller told Howard that Robin was dressed in a wet suit when she showed up to the party on her boat. Robin said that wasn't true either. Artie said that she looked really good. She had black short shorts on. Robin said that they weren't that short.
Artie said that she looked really good and he's happy that she's getting better and not nearly dying anymore. He said that she showed up in the boat with Captain Dennis piloting it for her. Robin said that they had some trouble finding the place because it's not clearly marked.
Dominic Barbara called in and asked about Afghanistan. Howard said he was trying to get into that earlier but it didn't work out.
Artie said that he saw Robin's boat and that's really nice. He said that he thinks that he and Robin are going to become and item now that they have houses so close. Robin said that she loves getting on her boat and going somewhere with it. Howard said that he would never get a boat because he doesn't get the whole boat thing. He said he feels trapped when he's on one.
Howard said that people who have boats get them and have nowhere to go so they're thrilled when they find a place to go. That's what Robin is going to be like now that she can boat over to Artie's place.
Artie said his uncle had a place on a lagoon and his friend had a boat with so much equipment he could go from there to Madrid but all he did was go up and down the lagoon.
Artie talked about being on Dominic's boat coming back from the Mohegan Sun casino one time. He said that Howard was down on the bed talking to Richie Notar instead of being up on the deck. Howard said he can't talk when he's got the wind in his face.
Artie said that Gary was very brave over there and he didn't seem that nervous over there. He said that Gary got some great footage for Howard TV while they were there. He said they make you feel safe over there though.
Gary said that they had some trouble getting to Istanbul and then Russia. It was a total of about 21 hours to get to where they needed to be. He said that he had a lot of stuff to read and to keep him busy.
Gary said that they got to Istanbul and Artie was sleeping there. He said that it's a funny picture because Artie's shirt is pulled up and he's looking pretty funny. Artie said that his gut looked like Mt. Rushmore. He said he lost about 14 pounds over there but probably gained it back this weekend.
Artie said that they met this guy Jeff Anthony from the USO in Germany. He said that everyone was supposed to get on these connecting flights and the late flight was screwing things up so bad that they might have to go back. Artie said that it might end up just being him and Jim going to the shows. Artie said that he and Jim were fine with that but the other guys were really into going.
Gary said that they had to do a lot of meet and greets with the soldiers and stuff. Artie was sleeping away for most of this stuff though. Gary said that he and the guys were doing all kinds of stuff and Artie just slept. He said that they got Artie up by about 5 when they had a show to do at around 6. Artie said that he and the guys had some bunks in a barracks that had some soldiers.
Artie said that he had to jerk off about 3 times out there. Gary said that there was a really hot chick on the flight they were on and he almost had to jerk off too. He said that Artie kept asking her for water and she had to bend down and they kept getting a glimpse of her boobs.
Artie said that he had to follow Jim, Nick and Dave Attell over there and not everyone knows the show so it was kind of nerve wracking for him. He said that he does have a lot of material but those guys are so great that it's difficult to follow.
Artie said that Jim, Nick and Dave did 15-20 minutes and then he had to do like 35 minutes. Then they had to go out and do the meet and greet with the guys. All of the soldiers were great and the loved the show. Gary said that they weren't supposed to get too filthy but they ended up doing it anyway.
Howard had some audio of Gary doing his thing on stage. He tried to find it but just found one clip of Artie shooting the gun on the helicopter. Then Sal told him where it was. The audio was really bad on the Gary clip so he bailed out on that.
Artie told Howard that they did a really safe show on the first night. He said that the camp was kind of safe and the troops there were on their way to more dangerous places. Artie said that they were told to stay away from politics but they could test the water with other things. Artie said that there were a lot of troops there who knew who they were when they showed up. He said that they were yelling out Baba Booey and talking about him sleeping on the show and stuff. They know the show and appreciate what they do for them.
Artie said that Jim Florentine was first up and had to test the water. He did some really dirty jokes and he got some guffaws from the troops. That led to Nick DiPaolo going out and doing his thing and got even crazier. He destroyed according to Artie. Then Dave Attell went out and told a story about fucking a sock with shampoo in it since they weren't allowed to talk about masturbation. He said that Dave killed too and then he had to go out himself. He said that everything was just hitting and they were all killing.
Artie said that he did about 35 minutes that night and he was doing some really dirty shit that he might not even do in Brooklyn. He said that at the end he was doing some gay material. That led to the guys talking about 60 Minutes last night because they had a special about gay soldiers. They spent a minute talking about that.
Howard heard some noise coming from Gary's office and figured out that Sal had left Gary's microphone on. They got back to the Afghanistan story and Artie talked about how the American troops make fun of the French troops because they wear short shorts that look really fruity. He said that he made a joke about one of the guys when she saw him and the troops loved that.
Artie said that at the end of the first show he was doing gay jokes about the French and the troops were all loving it. He said that the USO guys told him that they loved what they did that night. That was just the first night and they had to do a meet and greet. The next day they had to go to Afghanistan, the first show was in Kursikstan.
Artie said that they flew to Afghanistan and that was a grueling flight. They had to leave extra early at 2 in the morning. Then they got to a place where it was 125 degrees and it was all sandy and sooty. He said that they got up at noon and went out to meet with some people while Artie slept. Gary said that they met the Colonel there and he was a huge fan of the show. He knew about Jim dating Robin and all of that.
Artie said that they missed about 5 flights to the place where they were going. They had to fly on a military flight and if there was no room they just didn't go. They finally got 6 seats and there were about 500 marines in the back of the plane. They all had 60 pounds of gear on. Gary said they did a show that night and that one went great. He said they got in a car to drive to another show and then the sirens went off. They were in Kandahar at the time.
Artie said that they were told this Kandahar camp was going to literally taste like shit. He said that the wind blew and there was the smell of shit and it was so grotesque. He said that the troops came in after doing hand to hand combat with the Taliban. They just wanted to sit down with a cigarette and laugh. He said that the smell of shit was all over the place and it was so bad you could taste it.
Artie said that they have a shit pond there and two Romanian soldiers bet each other that one couldn't swim across the pond. The guy tried to do it but almost drowned in the shit. Artie said that at night you can see the shit particles floating around in the air.
Artie said that they did the show there in the shit stench. Then they had to go do this meet and greet. They got in their SUVs to go and they got about 20 yards and the sirens went off. They were under attack and they ran into some concrete bunkers that they had there. They all huddled into the bunkers that were like giant coffins.
Artie said that the marines all gathered around them and walked them into the bunker. They were like their human shields. He said that there was one guy by the name of Chris Brown who told him that if one of those things hit them, they'd just vaporize and he wouldn't feel a thing. He said that they wouldn't even feel any pain.
Artie said he asked about shrapnel and the guy told him that he'd make sure that it hit him before it hit so he didn't have to worry. It was their job to protect them and that's what they were doing.
Artie said that he got all of their numbers and he's going to have them over to his place when they get back. He said he's going to take them all to a Yankee game too. Gary and Artie said that they didn't hear any bombs going off, they just heard the sirens.
Gary said that this was the same camp that was attacked when Toby Keith was there. Artie said that they heard some stories about the guys going out and killing some Taliban. He said that they all signed a bomb over there and the Colonel there told them that they used that bomb and killed 8 Taliban with it.
Howard said that they must have a lot of joy when they kill those fuckers over there. He said that it must be wonderful to just kill like that. Robin said that they just keep adding to the Taliban though so it's not doing all that much to take them out.
Artie said that they were on the black hawk helicopters and shooting these guns there. He said that they're these huge rifles that they stick out the sides of the chopper. He said that the guys were looking for people out in the desert and there were holes in the ground. They're constantly looking for the Taliban to come out of those holes that are used for irrigation and stuff.
Artie said that one of the guys in the chopper asked him if he wanted to shoot one of the guns. He said that the guy was telling him that he had to climb over him but it might take a while to do that. Artie said that he got to the gun and tried to shoot it but he wasn't strong enough to aim it very well. He said that he went nuts shooting the gun and he felt like Rambo doing it. He said that the young kids are strong enough to hold the gun and aim it but he wasn't. He said that he wanted to take out some Taliban but the guy had to ask him to stop shooting because he wouldn't stop.
Artie said that he asked the guy what would happen if he killed a Taliban guy. The kid told him that would be one less fucker that he'd have to kill.
Howard said that he has an idea for a movie where the Taliban finds a piece of the bomb that they signed and the guy would have to go out and hunt him down.
Gary said that he actually gained a couple of pounds over there in Afghanistan. He went on to tell Howard about these drones that they have out there that can follow the people who plant bombs on the side of the road. They find out where they came from and then they bomb that house or building where they go to. Gary said that when they blow those places up they get applause from everyone.
Artie said that he asked the troops what they want them to say on the radio and they were telling him that they need more troops in Afghanistan because Iraq is getting most of them now. He said that all of this stuff is about religion and codes and stuff over there. He said that the Taliban is dealing heroin and that's how they're making their money. He said that the heads of the oil companies over there are donating to the Taliban too. Artie said that the heads of the oil companies do that because they're the same religion as they are. That's all this stuff is based on.
Howard said that he had to wrap up with this stuff and move on. Gary said he had one more story to tell but Howard told him that he's proud of them but he's done with the stories. He said that he likes that they went over and entertained the troops. He said that it is true that the kids over there fighting are very brave. He said that they're just 19 and 20 year old kids.
Artie said that this one kid that told him that he was going to jump in front of shrapnel was so brave and he's not even the president. He said it makes you want to cry when you hear something like that. Howard thanked this Jessica girl for thanking Artie the way she did with the lap dance at his house party.
Gary talked about some of the jokes he was telling at the shows and said that Mike Morse wrote a bunch for him and a listener sent him some stuff too. He said that he had to use some cheat sheets to do them in the first few shows.
Artie said that Gary got better toward the end of the shows. Gary told some of the stuff that he was using during the show. Artie said that he was doing a good job as a host and that was working out very well. He said that he just handed the microphone to Gary and Gary would make the announcements and stuff. Howard thanked them for doing what they did.
Here are some photos from their trip:
Gary said that Artie said ''fuck the USO'' and tried to fly out on a flight to Russia. Artie tried to hand them a couple of credit cards but they were denied. Artie then threw his bag down the hall because he was so pissed. Artie said that he's got an AmEx platinum card and it should have gone through. He said that they thought it was stolen or something so that's why it didn't go through.
Artie said that he was going to try to go out to London because he knows some people there. He said that he was going to pay for everyone and just have them pay him back later. He said that he was dealing with a woman who barely spoke any English. He said that he was going to have to charge like $34,000 worth of plane tickets to get out of there. Artie said that he just had to get out of there so he told her to put the 30 grand on the card. The guys told him not to do that so they all agreed to just stay there.
Artie said that he needed someone to keep him company on the plane. Jim didn't want him to pay for his ticket so he said he couldn't go. Artie said that he got rejected everywhere with his cards and stuff so he couldn't leave. He said he missed the 4th of July party his mother was having. They had to go back to the camp that smelled like shit.
Artie said that Dave Attell said that if they were Robin Williams they would have gotten them out of there. They're not him so there's no reason for them to get them out. Artie said Gary had to call his kids and tell them that he wasn't coming home.
Gary said that this was like old Russia with the people with hats and stuff. Gary told Artie that he couldn't get arrested there. Artie didn't care at the time and would have rather spent the night in jail.
Artie said that he's on the wagon now after going to the doctor. Artie said that he's been cutting back on his drinking. He said the doctor asked him to stop drinking for 3-6 months. He said that Afghanistan was a good place to start since they have nothing over there.
Artie said that they had to wait for the Army vehicle to come back and pick them up. He said that not drinking was horrible and he started to think about getting some fresh heroin since it was just around the corner there. He said that the rest of the guys went to get drunk at a bar there. They didn't know that he was on the wagon. They got him some Jack Daniels and started to get lit.
Artie said that he told the guys that he wasn't going to drink. He said that the doctor told him to take some Valium instead. Some guy there overheard that discussion and offered him some of his Valium. He showed it to Nick, who knows the pills, and confirmed that it was Valium. Artie bought like 20 of them from the guy and put all 20 on the table. He took two of them and that put his foot to sleep. He took 2 more of the 10mg pills. He said that he took 3 more in about 10 minutes. He was up to 7 of the 20 already.
Artie said that he has OCD and he took another one because he had 13 left and he doesn't like the number 13. He said that he was feeling good at that point. Then Gary wanted to strangle him because he was so happy.
Artie said that he took another 3 once they got in the transport vehicle. He was up to 150mg of Valium by that point. There was a woman driving the truck and he was like drunk on Valium. He was acting like a drunk and people were telling Gary to get him into his room because he can't be walking around in the condition he's in.
Artie said that he had to apologize to Gary for what he did to him and then the guy from the USO, Jeff Anthony, told him he can't be acting like that on a military base.
Artie said that the end of the whole thing was that they got an A+ rating on the tour and almost everyone loved them. He said that they told him that he can come back if he wants to. Artie said that after the Valium thing he was told they won't put that in the report. He said that Jeff dragged him into his room and put a blanket on him and put him to bed like a little kid. Artie told him that he just wanted to stay there and not leave so Jeff told him ''C'mon man, get it together!'' in a serious way. Howard thanked them for their stories and went to break.
Robin talked about Artie's party too and how funny it was that he didn't even have any cards there to play cards with. She said that she didn't even get to see Artie for very long while she was there.
Howard said that Beth is on the cover of Hamptons magazine again, she does that every summer. He said that she's in wedding gowns in this latest issue.
Howard asked if they got all the stories out since Gary kept wanting to tell other stories. Artie said that they told most of the exiting stuff.
Robin said that they didn't think that Artie was going to make it on the Military plane because they had no air conditioning in them. Artie said that he did okay even without it. He said that he got to sit in the cockpit but the seat belt didn't fit so the pilot just told him to be careful.
Artie said that if you're going to give to the USO you should give the juice boxes that come with the little straws. They like that stuff over there, they have plenty of water already. He went on to talk about how they have urine color charts in the bathrooms there to show you what color your urine should be. He said he was told to drink as much water as he possibly could while he was there. He said his urine was like magenta in color because he was drinking so much water.
Howard asked Artie who he's going to back in the election now that he's been over there. Artie said that's interesting. He said that he spoke to this kid over there about the oil companies backing the Taliban. He said that he also told him that the Military are going to the farmers that the Taliban are going to and trying to convince them not to deal with them. Artie said that the kid was telling them that when a politician says that they're going to pull the troops out as soon as they can, they assume that it's the troops in Afghanistan that are going to be pulled out. They don't know that it's Iraq that they're talking about.
Artie said that if the military is pulled out, the Taliban will come in and slaughter them. The Taliban goes over and tells the farmers that they're going to be pulling out and they have no future. Artie said that he's leaning toward McCain right now but only because he hates blacks. He was just joking about that of course.
Artie said that he was for Obama for a while but now he's leaning toward McCain. Howard said that he's thinking about voting for McCain now too. He's pissed about the merger situation for XM and SIRIUS and it's driving him nuts.
Howard said that he started working on the forward for Artie's book and he's got to get it done by August something. He said that he hates writing and he's not sure why he got into it. He said that it is a good thing he gave him a deadline though. He said that he'll get it done by then now that he has that date.
Artie went on to talk about what the troops over there were telling him about McCain and Obama. They were saying that Obama has to be specific about getting the troops out of Iraq. Robin said that they can't leave and even if Obama is telling them that they will get out, they're not going anywhere.
Howard said that he goes crazy thinking about this merger thing and there are two democrats in the FCC who don't like the merger. He said that they say that it's not right for America to have it. He said that bugs the shit out of him and the Democrats are turning him off now. He said that this is the Lobbyists getting to them and he hates that.
Artie said that there are a lot of companies making money on the war and they don't want it to stop. He talked about how Nestle has a lot of water over there and that has to be making them a lot of money right now.
Artie said that what they're doing over there in Afghanistan is not meaningless. They're fighting the people who were responsible for 9/11 and that's not meaningless.
Artie said that he and Sal both went down and got a room there at the new Water Club at the Borgata. He said that it was the craziest show he's ever seen. They did 2 and a half hours of stuff and the whole crowd was with them the whole time. They bring out like 80 people and there's costume changes and stuff like that.
Artie said that Spice Boy went out and did like 10 minutes with a hot chick. Then Manson went out and did some stuff. They had a retarded Elvis guy sing and some other stuff like that. He said it was very well organized.
Artie said that Bubba goes out after the first intermission and he hosts the second half of the show. He was drunk and had on a 1978 Phillies Mike Schmidt shirt that was so big that 3 Mike Schmidts could fit into it. He said that Bubba's wife came out wearing a tight black dress with her tits hanging out. He said she was strolling around like a stripper and said nothing. He said the crowd went nuts for her. Artie said he almost had to go jerk off because she was so hot.
Artie said they put on a great show and he recommends it to the fans. He said that they all loved it and it's a lot of fun and craziness. He said that Sal went up and did about 5 minutes. Artie said that he killed and then he went up and did an hour. It was like a 4 hour show by that point. They all stuck around and no one left as far as he knows.
Sal came in with a picture of Artie and Bubba and Bubba was at least twice the size of Artie. Sal said that he was 4 times the size but Howard said it was about twice the size. The guys all checked out the pictures and they were shocked at how large Bubba had gotten.
Artie said that it could be his schedule that is pushing him to that weight. Howard asked Artie if he drank at that show. The caller said that Artie definitely did drink there. Artie said that he forgot about that, he did fall off the wagon. Artie said that a kid stumbled to the stage and handed him a Jack. He said he took it and put it on the stool. He wanted to do his act but he did end up drinking it toward the end of the show.
Artie said that he was killing and the crowd was chanting his name so he had to chug it. He said that he has a whole bit that he does after he drinks so he wanted to do that. He said that he was so into it that he didn't remember that he fell off the wagon until that guy brought it up. Artie said that he didn't drink before the show but he did take a hit off the bong in the back.
Howard took another call from a guy who was saying that he sounds like he's being kind of elitist when he talks about the people he's not going to have at his wedding. The guy then asked to be left on hold to hear the show because he doesn't have SIRIUS. Howard asked him how he can think he's elitist when he doesn't even have the service. The guy said he has friends who have it and he heard some of it. Artie figured maybe he goes to MarksFriggin.com to get his information. (Thanks for the plug Artie!)
Howard read some stuff about the Bubbapalooza show in an article that he had. The writer saw the show and talked about some of the crazy stuff that went on there.
Howard had Ralph on the phone and he was there so he saw some of the stuff that was going on there. Artie said that there was a guy there who starts whipping a guy and beating him with a bat. The guy was bleeding from his nose and his chest was all whipped and bruised.
Ralph said he saw the guy come back stage and his forehead was ripped open and bleeding like crazy. Artie said that the guy claims to get like $100 per show and that's why he does it. Artie said that he spoke to the kid who got whipped and it's possible that he might be retarded. Ralph figured that's what was going on with that guy.
Howard read that Ralph got booed so bad that he refused to go on stage there. Artie said that Ralph did refuse to go up. Ralph said that he didn't have anything to say there so he didn't want to go up. He said that he's made up with Bubba though so the two of them don't have a problem with each other now.
Artie said that the new place, the Water Club, at the Borgata has the nicest rooms. He said that it's like a 15 foot walk to the Borgata and the rooms are beautiful. He said that the service is insane and they have a pool there and the rooms are modern, clean and just really nice.
Artie said that he got laid that night down there. He said he woke up at 3 in the morning that night and the chick had to leave to go pick up her kid so that was kind of terrible.
Artie said that they have great service there at the hotel and they got him some tea and stuff to help him out with the cold he got. Artie said that he got back stage to the show and there was no food there. He said he has to talk to Bubba about his rider when he does those shows.
Ralph goofed on Eric for not having something else to say after 2 weeks not being on the air. Artie went on to defend Gary for this stuff that SFN people are goofing on him about. Gary came in and told Howard that he had to call his wife to tell them that he was okay after the mortar fire story came out. A soldier interrupted him and asked to take a picture with him. He did that and even signed a Jim Norton book. He said that he asked the guy if he was from the Opie and Anthony show and the soldier got all weird and told people that he was rude to him when he asked him to sign the book.
Howard asked Eric why he called in to defend himself over this. Eric said he read about that stuff on SFN and he wanted to talk about it.
Gary said that he e-mailed the soldier and told him what he was doing over there when he asked him to take the picture and stuff and the guy shot back at him with some negative stuff and then posted their e-mails on SFN. Artie said that the guy owned the book and that's what they signed because that's all he had with him. Artie said they were all cool to the guy and Jim Norton is a friend of his so there was nothing going on there.
Howard thanked Eric for the call but Eric had more to talk about. Eric asked if they were going to talk about that Meet and Greet that he did. Howard said they weren't going to cover that today. Artie said that people were telling him how great Fred was when he did that ''Zero point zero'' thing during the meet and greet discussion before their vacation. Fred played the clip a few more times.
Howard said that they should call it a Meet and Sleep. Ralph asked Eric why he would do something where people aren't even going to see him, they're going to a hockey game. Eric told Ralph he's retarded and told him to shut the fuck up.
Howard asked Eric how many people showed up to see him. Eric claimed it was about 50 but Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip a bunch of times. That got Artie laughing his ass off at Eric. Eric claims that the money people were paying got them into the game and into the meet and greet. Howard asked Eric where the meet and greet was. Eric said it was in one of the suites there. Artie was laughing his ass off at Eric the whole time he was telling this story. Fred kept playing the ''Zero point zero'' clip whenever they'd ask him a question.
Howard asked Eric what the tickets cost. Eric said that they ranged from $20 and up. He said that the tickets were for the seats at the game. Howard asked Eric who handled the whole thing. Eric said it wasn't Johnny Fratto. He said that it was someone else and he's not sure who it was. Artie said he was going to say how much he would pay to see Eric at a game. He had Fred play the ''Zero point zero'' clip.
The guys talked about a guy who tried flying with balloons recently and died. There was another guy, a priest, who flew and ended up dying as well. Howard said that Eric will never fly after reading that stuff. Howard said he'd pay to see Eric if he flew with balloons.
Howard asked Artie about his black hawk helicopter ride where he was shooting the guns. Artie spent a minute on that and they even had some video of that playing on the studio monitor. Artie said that he didn't want to stop shooting the thing. He said that Gary was more professional about it and only shot it for about 10 seconds. They had some video of that as well.
Artie said that they got to take some shells with them from that flight but they wouldn't allow them to take them home with them after going through customs. He said that they did get to take home some other stuff like those big floppy hats they wore out there.
Howard thanked Eric for his call and Fred threw in the ''Zero point zero'' clip once again. Eric went on to say that he doesn't get why they can support a web site where they take pot shots at them all the time. He got in a plug for JFSC.tv before getting off the line.
Howard read the meet and greet promotional ad for Eric. They looked through that for a second and then Artie got back into the ''Zero point zero'' thing and talked about the scene in Animal House that they took that from.
Artie said that he was still in Atlantic City this morning and drove back at about 3 in the morning. He said that he got home just in time to get a few things together and to catch a ride with his driver.
Artie said that he's doing a benefit show for the teacher that lost her job at Caroline's on July 18th. He said that he's going to have some stuff to sell there and he's going to be trying to raise some money for them because they really need money for a lawyer.
Howard said his mother enforced that rule and taught him to stick to his agreements. Robin told a story about her brother stealing the TV from her one day and her mother enforced that too. She told her that her brother was older than her and he gets what he wants.
Howard said that he watched a porno movie called ''Strap On Sally 19'' last night and it was really good. He said that it starred Gina Lynn and he really likes her. He said that he doesn't get the dildo thing but he liked the rest of the movie. He said that he doesn't watch a lot of porn, only when Beth is on her period or she's not around. He said that she wasn't around last night.
Howard said that he'll bang Beth when she's on her period but she doesn't like doing it when she is. He said he that he went down on a chick one time when she was on her period and came up with a face full of blood.
Artie said that he has a story about another celebrity who banged another big celebrity and when the guy went down on her and came up with blood on his face. He thought it was the coke he was doing, he didn't know it was the period blood. The chick then told him that it might be her time of the month.
Artie said that the chick he banged down in Atlantic City, not the same one from his house, had her pussy shaved like a lightning bolt. He said that he's not sure if she did that for him or not but it was so hot. He said that she's really into sex. He said that she's really cool. Howard said that he's not sure he could date someone who has a lightning bolt on her pussy.
Howard said that if his mother had something like that, he'd be upset. Artie said he would too. He said that this chick is one of those chicks that's into heavy set guys and he figures that maybe her father fucked her good or something. He said he was just joking about that.
Artie said that it's hot for him to get a rich, hot chick but this chick loved the Water Club so much. He said that she was going wild over that.
Howard said that Beetlejuice, Double A, Nicole Bass, John the Stutterer, Gay Ramone, Elephant Boy, Jeff, Croy, Yucko the Clown and Siobhan all bowled against each other. Mariann from Brooklyn was there and so was Joey Boots doing some other stuff.
Howard said that Doug Goodstein told him that a lot of the guys had bad body odor and smelled like shit. Artie said that Doug ended up staying at his house for a couple of days and he didn't even have to go home to his wife and kid. He said that Doug must be a real man's man if he can do that.
Artie said that Doug was fishing out on the dock there at his house and he spent hours out doing that. Howard said that there are a lot of guys who claim to love having kids but they spend as much time away from their kids as they can. Doug came in and said that it was just one day that he was at Artie's place. He said that he was crabbing and fishing down there and it was very relaxing for him.
Doug was also talking about Jeff the Drunk's bowling and how he has a spin on the ball that's pretty professional looking.
Artie said that he had a boat full of hot chicks show up to his dock. He said that some fans found out where he lives and a lot of people will float by and wave. He said that this one boat showed up with like 6 hot chicks on it and they were all waving and stuff. He said that he usually tells them to get out of there but with hot chicks they all ran out to the end of the pier. He said that there was only one dude on the boat and it was probably someone's father.
There was one girl who was 25, and Artie said she was the hottest. There were some 19-20 year olds and maybe one 18 year old. They were all in bikinis and he told them to stop by on any Saturday or Sunday. He said that he has boat lifts there and they said they'll come back. Howard said that they'll probably come back with their boyfriends. Artie said he told them that they can't come with dudes. They'll throw an anchor at them if they do.
Howard said that he had to go to break but Jeff told a story about going down to smoke with Yucko and this woman got on the elevator and told her kids not to be afraid of the clown. Yucko was really nice for a minute and then told them that there was no Santa Claus.
Doug asked Jeff why he sweats so much and then pointed out that there were some really smelly people at the bowling thing. Doug said that they had some girls there who did smell good and he had to go up to them and smell them just to get the stink out of his nose. He said that Elephant Boy was the worst. He said that he's got really bad body odor.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Howard that the worst smell at the bowling thing was Siobhan. He said that the smell that came out from between her legs was really awful. They talked about that and how bad it was and brought up the time that High Pitch Mike had Siobhan sit on his face. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked Robin how her vacation was. Robin said she went to Rome for a few days. She didn't go with Jim since he was over in Afghanistan. She said that she was a little anxious about that. Howard said that would have been kind of fucked up if she found someone she really likes and then he gets killed in Afghanistan.
Robin said she saw the ruins over in Rome with her nephew. She said that she and Jim kept in touch while he was over there. She said they e-mailed each other and she did hear about Artie's meltdown.
Artie said that they were going to an internet cafe to go on the web to find out what was going on back in the states. He said that's how they found out that A-Rod was allegedly banging Madonna. Howard said that he saw that Peter Cooke was beating off for people on camera on the web according to what Christie Brinkley was saying.
Artie said that he didn't hear all of that because he was away when the news broke. Howard said that's what he thinks he read but his reading comprehension might not be right. Gary said that they're looking it up now but they don't think that his reading comprehension is right.
Howard said that he has met Christie Brinkley and Peter Cooke in the past and was actually e-mailing Peter. He said that people are fascinated by the story because the guy had no money of his own and was using Christie's money to do all of this weird shit.
Artie interrupted and asked Howard to switch his headset because his was all fucked up. Howard didn't know what he was talking about but eventually figured it out.
Howard got the article he was talking about and read that Peter Cooke was masturbating on a web camera for people but it didn't say if it was for men or women. He said that most women don't want to see that kind of thing.
Howard said that most guys he knows have done weird shit with chicks and have fucked over chicks before so it's not that crazy that this guy is doing it to Christie Brinkley. He said that he does have to choose her side in this whole thing though. It's kind of weird. Robin said that she saw that the guy has a hot girlfriend now.
Howard said that Charlie Sheen has another chick and he can't believe that anyone would believe that he's going to be the right one. He goes through a lot of women and the relationships never last.
Gary said that he read about the web site that Peter Cooke was allegedly using to jerk off on and he heard that JD had been on the site. JD came in and said that Lisa G doesn't know what she's talking about. He said that he never said he was on the site but he knew about it. He said that he signed up for it but he was never actually ''on'' the site. He said that it was a long time ago and he didn't do anything on it. He said that Lisa is telling Gary that he's some kind of expert or something but he's not.
Howard asked JD if that's his new look with the short hair. JD said that he just got it cut, it's not his new look. Robin said that Jason did something strange to his hair too. She said it looks like he cut it himself. Jason came in and said that it was just a hair cut and shaved like always.
Howard said that he heard that JD likes to look at escort web sites to see what escorts are in town. JD said that he does look at them but they're too expensive for him.
Howard said that Sal went out over vacation and asked women what they think about this Peter Cooke thing. He played some of those clips. Sal asked the women what their thoughts were for Peter Cooke. He'd ask them what their words of hope were for Peter and the women would walk away. He was also asking if a big penis or a big pay check was more important to them. Most of the women wouldn't answer, one woman said it was the pay check.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks that Peter Cooke got a bad deal. He said that they had a pre-nup so they didn't have to go through a whole case and bring all of this out in the open. He said that he's not sure why they went through that.
Dominic said that life is too short to go through stuff like that. He said that it was a custody battle and there's no way he ever would have gotten custody of those kids because Christie just happens to be a great mother. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Dominic about that and let him go after that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who pointed out that she thinks Robin is really in love with Jim after some of the stuff she's been saying. She also said that Beth looked great on the cover of the Hamptons magazine. She also said that she has to teach some of those Wack Packers how to shower.
Robin asked Howard if Beth was a little person and she was the same person she is now, would he date her. Howard said no way to that. He said that he likes that she's so tall. He said that he's really into her looks too.
Howard asked Robin if she would still love Jim if he had tiny testicles instead of his huge balls. She just laughed.
Howard said he saw some movies over vacation and one of them was an independent film called ''The Wackness'' and it's got a scene with Ben Kingsley making out with Mary Kate Olsen. He explained the movie and said that it was actually great. He said that he hopes that people support it and go out and see it.
Artie said that he met the writer/director of that movie at Letterman when he was on the same night as Ben Kingsley and the guy made it a point to come up and say hi to him.
Howard said that The Wackness is really good. He also said that he saw Hellboy 2 and it was great. He got to sit next to Stephen Spielberg but Spielberg doesn't like him. He said he saw with Chuck Scarborough from a local news channel. He introduced him to Spielberg and shook his hand but that was it. He said Spielberg really dislikes him. He said that he makes fun of his adopting black kids and he doesn't like that.
Artie said that Howard's impression of Spielberg is one of the funniest things he did in the past. He said he really enjoyed that bit when he'd do it. Howard went into the impression a little bit but also said that he's a fan of a lot of Spielberg's movies. He doesn't like all of them but he does like some.
Howard said he liked Hellboy 2 but Beth wasn't into it. He said that the movie is good but not great. He said it was fun. Robin said she saw the Incredible Hulk but it was just okay. She didn't love it but she did like it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Artie if his trip to Afghanistan is going to make him more humble and maybe make him go on a diet. Artie didn't understand the question so Howard tried to help and asked Artie if his trip was going to make him change the way he eats and maybe diet and lose some weight. Artie said that he is way more happier since getting back from Afghanistan. He said that he saw what's going on over there and saw how far removed we are from all of that.
Artie said that a health kick would make him unhappy again. He said he will try to stay off the alcohol for 3 months like the doctor asked him to. He said that he did fall off the wagon once already but he hopes to be able to stay away from it. Artie said that he will get really upset if one of those kids he met over there dies.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's upset about the changes they made with Master Tape Theatre lately. They moved it to Sunday afternoons at 3pm. Howard said he'd talk to Tim Sabean about that.
Artie said that they set a record in Afghanistan in June and had 28 deaths of U.S. troops. He said that they met a kid there who had lost 6 of the 10 guys he was with that day that they met him at the meet and greet. A lot of that is due to the prison break that happened over there recently.
Steve said they have more news about Kenneth Keith Kallenbach's death and said that he actually died the day before it was originally reported. they have some news about the Bubbapalooza and more.
Eric the Midget called in to defend himself over the Langford story about him. Eric said that no one cares if he showed up late. Eric asked Langford why he keeps doing these stories. Fred threw in the ''Zero point zero'' clip again.
Eric said that he was late for the appearance because he and Johnny were working on the money he was owed. He was waiting on his $300 that he agreed on. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
Steve quickly mentioned that this is the 18th anniversary of the Channel 9 show debut which was on July 14, 1990.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the stuff that they were going to try and cover today. They had to take another break after that.
Howard had Robin get to her news after playing a song parody about her. It was ''Robin Whip Your Tits Out'' to the tune of Who Let The Dogs Out.
Robin started off with a story about Angelina Jolie having her kids while they were away. Someone paid 20 million bucks to get the first pictures of their new baby. Howard said that they were offered a lot of money for pictures from their wedding and they were told they could give the money to a charity of their choice. Howard said he didn't want to give it to charity and he didn't want to be in a magazine with his wedding. He said that if they're doing it for the good of some charity that might be okay but he's not sure he wants to do that.
Howard said he did feel kind of guilty when he turned it down but he doesn't want people lurking around his wedding. Robin said that they could use their own photographer if they wanted to and then use one of those pictures.
Robin got to some other news about Angelina's babies. She's going to be staying in the hospital for a few days after having the twins. Robin had Howard play some audio of a French doctor talking about the babies and that led to Fred doing his French impression and doing some ''Brown eyes'' (in a French accent ''brown ass'') jokes.
Howard said that a lot of people thought his kids were going to turn out heinous looking but they turned out very nice looking. He said that they always had boyfriends and they were popular. He said that he jokingly told Beth that they killed two kids because they were too ugly.
Howard said that he had a couple over with their kids recently and he was worn out just watching them putting so much energy into them. He said that Beth was talking about how their kids would probably turn out really ugly and way too tall.
Robin read some news about Brett Favre and how he might be trying to make a comeback. Artie said that a lot of Packer fans are upset that he might be coming back and not playing for the Packers. Artie said that he was talking to Bubba about that at his show the other day. That led to Robin having Howard play a clip of Favre breaking down and crying after his retirement.
Robin read some news about a tennis match that went on during their vacation and how it became a classic immediately. It was the Federer and Nadal match that she was talking about.
Robin read some news about Pope Benedict, Iraq and Afghanistan and more. Howard interrupted and said he got a note from the guys saying that Artie had no garbage cans at his house so he had garbage bags hanging from his door knobs. Artie said that his mother is buying stuff for the house and she's waiting on the waste baskets.
Robin read some news about Larry Harmon (Bozo the Clown) dying recently. They spent a minute on that and then Howard brought up the comments that Jesse Jackson made about Barack Obama. He said that everyone probably heard about that but went into the story anyway. They goofed on Jackson and his mumble mouthed comments for a few minutes.
Robin went through some other news about Jesse Ventura and Al Franken running against each other in Minnesota. She also talked about Tony Snow dying over the weekend. Howard said that guy seemed to be a nice guy, even though he didn't agree with his politics, and it was really sad that he died.
Robin read some news about A-Rod and Madonna. That led to Artie getting pissed at A-Rod for doing something like that when he doesn't even have a ring yet. Robin read a story about Cher getting secretly married recently. That led to the guys talking about Ronnie being at Artie's party with a young chippie. Robin said that she's seen Ronnie with her twice now.
Robin read a story about dogs that bite the most. It turns out to be cocker spaniels, not pit bulls as a lot of people think.
Artie was talking about how Bubba the Love Sponge might need an intervention with that weight gain. He said that he's really out of control. He said that he's been involved with a few interventions with people they know there and Bubba might be the next. Howard moved things along and didn't spend much time on that.
Robin read a story about a guy who was arrested for having a topless Barbie doll in his car. He also had some other pornographic material in the car.
Robin also had some news about Hellboy 2 being the number 1 movie at the box office. They played some clips and Howard cut them off saying that it was silly to play. That led to Artie recommending a movie called ''Before The Devil Knows You're Dead'' which he saw on his trip to Afghanistan. He said that Marissa Tomei is naked in it and her tits are amazing.
Robin had some stuff about Eddie Murphy's new movie and had Howard playing some audio clips of Eddie talking about the movie. They talked about how sad it is that Eddie is doing such bad movies these days. Robin wrapped up after that and they ended the show around 10:45am.
Gary talked about some of the stuff they saw over there when they were flying around with the troops. He said that it was pretty fascinating to see what was going on over there. He said that they saw a lot of stuff outside of the base and it was kind of scary but very interesting.
Gary said that Jim Florentine is like a saint and they got along very well over there. He said that Dave Attell has been over there about 5 times before so he was like their tour guide. Dave was going around and sitting with the troops and stuff while they were eating.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thought Howard was kind of a cock sucker for turning off the conversation this morning. He said the fans would have eaten it all up if they had done it for four hours straight. Gary said that he appreciates that but Ralph got into Howard's head before the show.
Artie said that he thinks Gary is right and Howard loves the fans so much that he wanted to rush them through that stuff. He said that he felt rushed during the conversation. He was trying to talk about a bunch of things and he'd change subjects.
Artie said that he saw that there were some fans who were calling in and telling Howard not to cut them off. That was during the break before Howard let them tell some more stories. He said they got to most of the highlights but he did feel a little rushed.
Gary said he was panicked because he thought Howard was going to cut him off. Artie said that he had to tell some of the stories that Howard was rushing them through so he went through with them anyway.
Jon played a clip where Howard cut Gary off and mentioned Ralph's comment to him. That got Artie a little upset. He said that he didn't realize that Howard had said that. Artie said that if Gary was the only one who had gone over there, he would have gotten maybe 30 seconds to talk about the trip.
Artie said that he was probably within 2 miles of Bin Laden and he tried telling Howard that toward the end of the show. He seemed interested in that but they didn't have time to get into it.
Artie said that he thinks he picked the 3 best comedians to work with over there and Gary made a great host. He said that things went really well and the USO loved it too. He gave some shout outs to the guys who helped them out over there and said that he's going to take them out to dinner when they're back in the states. He threw out a bunch of names of the people who helped organize the whole thing.
Gary said that it was great that they all got along as well as they did. He said it would have been much tougher if they hadn't. He said that Nick gets irritated really easy but he's fun to be around.
Ralph called in and said that he was just joking around with Howard about the stories being too long. He said that he didn't mean to make Howard cut them off but it's also Howard's show so he has complete control over that. Gary said that it could have been the seed that he planted in his head that led to Howard cutting the stories short.
Artie said that they didn't tell all of their stories this morning either. He said that he's got more to tell. Artie also said that Howard loves the show so much that he'll blow off an A-list celebrity to have Beetlejuice on because he knows that Beetlejuice is going to make the audience laugh.
Ralph said that he thinks they should have an hour long show where they could tell their stories on Howard 101 or something. That way people would know what they're in for. Gary said that's a good idea because they could tell the fans what they were going to be hearing.
Gary said that he kept a journal of what was going on over there and he wrote about how Artie was obsessed with apples over there. He was eating a lot of apples and actually threw away half of a Nestle chocolate bar when he got him one.
Jon told Ralph that he was nominated as the one who will probably spend the most time at Artie's new house. Ralph said that he'll see about that. He told Artie that he thinks that his mother and sister are great fun to be around too.
Artie talked about how nuts some of that stuff was at Bubba's show and how they once threw shit into a fan and sprayed it onto some people outside of Bubba's studio.
Jon asked Artie about Robin being kind of rough on him today. Artie said that she seemed fine when she was over and he didn't know that she was so upset about the way things went. He said that he didn't have the appropriate things there for her.
The guys talked about how Howard can really rip apart a nice evening when he gets on the air. They talked about some of the times that he's ripped apart parties and stuff like that when everyone else seemed to enjoy it.
Ralph was saying that it's kind of strange that Robin is trying to make someone get her vegan food that hasn't even touched any meat or anything. Artie said that he's not into that kind of thing and he's not going to be getting vegan food.
Artie said that Howard and Beth are very anal about making sure that their guests are happy and they do what they can for everyone. He said that he's not used to doing that kind of thing and he can't make everyone happy.
Jon said that Artie goes out of his way to show everyone where the food is and stuff like that. Artie was upset that people weren't defending him this morning when he was getting ripped apart. Jon said that he was the one saying that Artie was calling it a barbecue but had pizza and Italian food instead.
Jon said that he was going to let Artie tell his stories on this show at his own pace for as long as he wanted. Artie said he might as well be telling them in his kitchen.
Jon played a clip of Robin ripping Artie apart about the food he had available for the guests and how she had to pick the peppers out of the food. Artie said that he doesn't want her there any more if that's the way she's going to treat him.
Jon took some calls and one guy who was stationed over there for a while told Artie that it took him about 4 months to get used to that shit pond smell. The caller also brought up the SFN thread that Gary had to comment on because this soldier was going off on him about not wanting to sign that book.
Gary said that guy started out by posting stuff on Artie's site and then went to SFN. He said it was a real bummer because they were having a great time with the soldiers and hanging out with them. Artie said that their fourth show got canceled so they ended up meeting with some soldiers and stuff.
Artie said that one guy got in trouble over there when he left the hospital to meet them. Gary said that the guy that got that guy in trouble was the same guy who posted the stuff on SFN. Artie didn't know that so it was news to him.
Artie defended Gary and also talked about Jim Norton being a great guy. He said that he's friends with Jim and Jim used to be a Stern fan when he was growing up. Jon said that it sounds like the guy just wanted to stir up shit with them. That's exactly what happened because they're talking about him now.
A caller said that the reason they want those Juicy Juice boxes over there is so they can make alcohol. Gary didn't know how that worked but the caller said that they just have to put the boxes in the sun.
Artie and Tony talked about the Man Cave thing and Gary got in on that since he had his basement done by the guys for his Man Cave. Artie asked when their episodes are supposed to air. Tony had no idea. Gary said he heard it was going to be by November.
Artie was talking about a producer who was there that he's worked with in the past and how he helped him get to where he is now. Tony said that guy, Stafford, kind of dresses funny. Artie said that he does dress like a Long Island Preppie.
Artie said that he and Tony are going to be having a meeting for a show where they're going to play Spin Class instructors.
Jon asked Tony who was harder to work with, Artie or Gary. Tony said that they were both very easy to work with but Artie barely showed up to do anything. He said that Artie was all about the snacking and food. Gary was more about taking shoes off and wearing surgical gloves in the house.
Artie kept the conversation going even though Jon said that he had to take a break 5 minutes before. Gary said that he remembered a story from the airport when they were on their trip. He overheard Artie telling a hot chick how he was on a USO tour and that they had been under mortar fire. Tony said that they're going to Kuwait to do a Man Cave over there. He said they're leaving on Saturday for that. They went to break right after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who thinks that Ralph's comment to Howard did get to him and maybe that's why he rushed the guys through their stories. The caller asked Gary about what his scariest moment was over there. Gary said that he didn't get scared even when the mortar fire was going on because the soldiers weren't scared. Gary said that they later found out that there was some mortar fire outside of the base.
Jon said that they were talking about that web site that Peter Cooke was using and how JD used to be a member. JD got very upset about them saying that he was on it. JD came in to defend himself again. He said that he was on the site, but not really. He said he signed up for the site for other stuff but he's not sure what they do now. He said he signed up to find chicks.
JD said that he didn't feel like paying money to do it so he didn't bother with it. He went off on Lisa G for telling Gary that he was an expert on the site. Gary said that may have been his fault because he kind of embellished the story a little bit.
JD said he didn't do anything on that site so he really doesn't know what's up with it. He was out of breath and coughing from running down there from his office. Jon let him off the hook and let him drink some water.
Another caller thought that Howard was kind of embarrassed that this wasn't a trip that he went on and that's why he rushed them through it. Gary said he doesn't think that's the case at all. He said that there might be something to it about him not wanting to talk much about it if it wasn't about him though. Jon said that it is the Howard Stern Show and he makes the calls on what goes on and how long they spend on a subject.
JD said that he was better now and he was going to leave. Jon told him to stick around since they only had a couple more minutes.
Another caller said that Gary was kind of like Artie's little brother and he wants to latch on to everything he does. Gary told the guy to suck his dick in a joking way. The caller said that Gary will do anything to get out of the house and that's why he went on this trip. Gary said that's not the case at all and he does a lot of stuff that Artie doesn't do. The two of them argued for a few minutes before they had to end the show.
Howard started the show talking about how much he had to get to today. He went to the phones before getting to anything else. The first caller asked if Howard heard about Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. Howard said he did hear about it. He said that the two of them split up. That was news to Artie. Howard said that he's very sad about it. Robin said she is too.
Artie jokingly said that Sarah is dating Ralph now. Howard said that's funny because Ralph joked that he was going to get back at Jimmy for not liking him by fucking Sarah.
Howard said that Jimmy and Sarah were supposed to vacation with them over vacation and he didn't know that they were in trouble until this past weekend. He said that they didn't come out to visit this past weekend like they were supposed to. He said that Jimmy e-mailed him and told him that they were going through some tough times and weren't coming out.
Howard said that he wanted to talk to Jimmy about it on the phone and he kind of left it there. He said he felt really bad about it and said that he got so upset that he had to go take a walk. He said that he spoke to Jimmy and he said that it was very mutual and it was like he'd lost his best friend. He said that it sounds like they're not even talking right now because it's so painful. He said that's just a feeling he gets.
Howard said that Beth wrote to Sarah and then he wrote to Sarah and she's very sad too. Howard said she was telling them that Jimmy is a great guy and she hopes that he finds someone else. Howard said that relationships just wear out sometimes.
Artie said that he's known the two of them for a long time and they're two of his favorite people in show business. He said that Sarah has always dated comedians as long as he's known her. He said that dating a comedian is tough because they tend to be crazed egomaniacs. He said that Dana could tell them about that.
Howard said he didn't see this coming at all because they were so tight. He said that Sarah would always talk about how much she loved Jimmy. He said that she was always talking about how they didn't need to be married and they would be together forever.
Howard said that Jimmy once told him that Sarah would go shopping and she'd look at everything but she'd come out with only a rugby shirt. He was right and it showed how well he knew her. Howard said he couldn't imagine that they'd break up. He said he asked Jimmy to come out and hang himself but he didn't feel right doing that without Sarah. It was something they'd planned together and he didn't feel right being solo with a couple like the two of them.
Howard said he asked Jimmy if it was Sarah smelling Richard's balls that broke them up. Jimmy told him that was the case just joking around.
Artie said that Jimmy has admitted he's only been with a couple of women in his life so maybe he had a lot of women coming on to him or something. He said that it can get pretty hard when there are a lot of women coming on to you like that. He said that Jimmy may have wanted to sew some wild oats or something. Howard said he could be right.
Artie said that he thinks that Sarah dated Dave Attell for a couple of years. Howard said that Dave is coming in today so he can talk about that then. Howard took another call from a guy who asked how Dave Attell got Sarah Silverman. Artie went on to tell the guy that Dave was one of those guys back in the 90s that was one of the best club comedians they'd ever seen. He was making people laugh so hard it would move the walls at the clubs. He said that Sarah was probably impressed by that.
The caller asked Howard if they were going to have to choose sides in this break up. Howard said that's a good question. Both Jimmy and Sarah are on the guest list. He said that he and Beth were talking and they love both Jimmy and Sarah. He's not sure what they're going to do but Jimmy may be on the list first. He said he may have to have the two of them write essays to try and get in on the wedding.
Howard said that he saw Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn over vacation and he's still friends with Rebecca. He said he's not sure if John Stamos cares about that or not. He said that the break up stuff is kind of weird. He said that he's still in contact with both of them and he's not sure what to do.
Artie joked that Benjy has sided with Dana. That led to Howard saying that he got a letter from Dana over vacation and it was 3 pages long. She sent some pictures along with it and she talked about how his father just wanted to hear the show while he was in the green room one day. She took two pictures of him sitting close to the speaker so he could hear it and it means a lot to Howard.
Artie said that he has some old video that Dana helped out with when he was doing some comedy clubs. She was in charge of the camera and she knew when he was going to do certain jokes so she would zoom in and zoom out on certain jokes and did it amazingly well. He said that he started to cry when he watched the video and she did so well taping it. He said that she notices stuff about people like that and it's great.
The caller on the line asked Howard how long Artie would have to wait before he could date Sarah. Artie said that Sarah has a sister, Laura Silverman, who is adorable. He said that there was a show on Comedy Central called Dr. Katz and she did some voices on there. He said that she was hilarious on that and he met her at a party that he went to one time. He said that at the end of the night at the party he was talking to both Sarah and Laura and they were kind of flirting. He said that they went to an International House of Pancakes and he thought that he was getting that vibe from them. He said that Norm MacDonald heard he was going and asked him ''Man, you're going to fuck the Silverman sisters?'' He said that he never did. He went to the IHOP and had pancakes and the girls never showed up.
Artie said he doesn't think that Sarah would ever date him anyway. He said that the Jimmy thing would hold him up too but that's only if he had a shot at dating Sarah.
Ralph called in and said that he knows why Jimmy was being such an asshole to him recently. He said that he was all upset and acting cunty and irrational. He figures it all had to do with Jimmy and Sarah's relationship not going well.
Artie said that it really is sad because they're two of his favorite people. He said that he thinks that Sarah really liked Jimmy's kids too because she was watching them and seemed to be enjoying it. Robin said that's sad because everyone is losing in this break up. Howard joked that Sarah is getting Jimmy's kids in the break up because she was so good with them.
Artie said that there could be a million things that broke them up. Howard said that Jimmy was saying that it looks like it's really over now and there's no chance of them making up.
Artie said he was there the night that they met at the Hugh Hefner roast back in 2001. He spent a few seconds talking about that.
Robin said that she's going to be freaked out from now on when she hear's Eric's voice. Howard played some more of the kid saying ''Redrum'' over and over again. The kid did kind of sound like Eric. Howard said that Dan was right on with that.
Robin said that they have to have Eric say ''redrum'' when he calls in next. Howard played some more of the movie and had the guys laughing.
Howard said that it's getting old hearing this stuff over and over again. Riley went off on him for not paying him a decent salary. Howard said that he doesn't think that Riley understands where he's coming from and it's really time for him to move on. He said that he's really not being treated right and he should just move on.
Howard said that a talent like his should be paid more and they're just not going to be able to do it there. Howard said that he was making $96 a week when he started out so Riley should move on and find a better paying job.
Riley went off on Howard about how much money he has and how they can afford to pay him. Howard said that he agrees with him on everything and he really should just leave and go make more money somewhere else.
Robin asked Riley if he likes all of this alien talk coming out of Texas. Riley said that he's been trying to inform people about this stuff all along.
Howard said that he feels that everything Riley has said is right on and he'd like to let him out of his contract today. He asked Riley if he would like to end the relationship with them right now. Riley said that he will go broke if he does that. He said that if they want him to leave then he will but he will honor his contract.
Howard asked Tim if he'd be okay with Riley leaving his contract because he really needs to move on to make more money. Riley didn't sound like he wanted to leave in the middle of his contract and was kind of rambling. Artie asked him what the fuck he was talking about.
Tim Sabean came in so Howard asked him if he can let Riley out of his contract. Tim said that he'd be fine with doing that. Riley said that they have to pay him what they owe him for the remainder of his contract. Howard told him they can't do that but if he wants to get out of that contract they can work with him and let him go move on to some other job. He said he doesn't want to hold him back anymore.
Riley gave them a ''fuck you very much'' and he will find a way to make it out there. He told Howard that he has nothing but his love. Howard asked him if he's done with the channels as of today. Riley said that if he's saying so then he will be done with it. He said he wants to be paid until the end of his contract. Howard told him to stop bitching until the end of it then.
Howard said that he will let Riley go out and solicit other offers if he wants. He doesn't have to wait until the end of his contract.
Artie said that he has a way to settle this. He said that he might have the amount of the rest of his contract on him and he'll pay Riley if he comes down today. He said he had 40 bucks on him if he wanted to come collect it.
Riley said that he's tired of being worked so hard for so little money. Tim said that a deal is a deal and the contract is what he agreed to. Riley said that he's waiting for this merger to go through and he wants to see that happen.
Riley told Howard to go get his lady another $16 million toilet. Howard said okay to that and tried to wrap up with him. He told Riley that he will no longer ask Riley to be part of this come November. He said that all he does is resent them and not appreciate the job he has. Howard said that he's going to do something decent for him and let him go when his contract is up.
Howard told Riley to go find another occupation. This isn't working for him and he needs to get out of it. Tim said that they even set him up in his own house so he doesn't have to come in and do his show every week.
Riley said that it would be nice if Robin paid for her damn symbols that he sent to her. He claims he sent her three. Robin said that she didn't ask for them so she didn't know that she owed him for them. She asked how much she owed. Howard told her they're $38.50 each.
Howard let Riley go and said he was going to play the prank call that Sal and Richard made with clips of Riley's voice. Howard told the guys that he's going to make Riley do the show for free or make him pay them to do the show. Riley got off the line and said ''God bless you all'' before going.
Howard played the prank call that Sal and Richard did with Riley's voice. They had Riley saying hello using a bunch of different names. The guy on the phone would get into the call when his name was brought up but then Riley would say a bunch of different names and the guy would hang up.
Howard said that the Riley Martin saga continues. He said that his show is on tonight at Midnight on Howard 101. He said that he'll be talking about food poisoning remedies on the show tonight.
Artie said he heard Riley saying that there seems to be a double standard with Riley. He said that he goofs on Robin for dating a white guy but Riley's wife is white and quite hot from what he's heard.
A caller asked Howard to keep Riley on the air because he thinks that he's great on the radio. He said he'll send in some extra money every month just to keep him on the air. Howard said that he's doing his best to keep him on there.
Howard said he's not sure why Batman has to meet the Joker all the time when they had so many other foes in the comic books. Artie said that Ledger has to follow Nicholson playing the Joker and that's a tough one.
Howard said that he's hearing that the movie is so good that it might just get an Academy award. Robin said that it seems like they're building this up based on Ledger's death.
Howard had a review from Richard Roeper where he said that it was one of the best movies of the year. He said that it was the best super hero epic ever. Roeper said that it was a great film and suggested that people go out and see it twice.
Artie pointed out that Roeper knows what he's talking about because he gave his movie Beer League two thumbs up. Howard said that he's looking forward to seeing the movie and so is Robin.
Artie said that Spider-Man 3 was great and he loved it. He wasn't sure Howard was right about that. Artie said he still has to see Iron Man though.
Howard said that Ralph has a lot of puppets and dolls in his apartment and it's kind of weird. He said that he doesn't let a lot of people into his apartment but he heard that a chick went in there and left screaming.
JD said he wanted to make a documentary about Ralph but he won't let him do it. Howard said that Ralph arranged to get this Iron Man stand up from the movie and he has that in his apartment.
Howard said that he called him and asked if it was okay to ask Gary to help him get one of those standees. He had the voice mail message that he left for Gary about that thing. In the clip Ralph is talking about how big this thing is and how great it is. He sounded like a little kid talking about this new toy of his.
Howard said that Ralph is getting close to 50 years old now and he's still playing with these toys. He went on to talk about this woman that Ralph was dating who told him that her friend told her to ''head for ze hills'' when she found out about all of these things he had in his apartment.
Ralph called in and said that he couldn't get rid of that chick even after that. Ralph said that she was bothered that he had pictures of Pam Anderson hanging in his apartment but he just told her that she's hot.
Howard said that Ralph saw the Batmobile out on the street and wanted to take a picture of it with his iPhone. He said that a security guy told him he has to move along. Ralph asked why he had to move along if the car was parked out on the public street. Ralph said that the guy was an asshole.
Howard said that Ralph said he was going to take a picture and told the guy to back off. Ralph did that and took his picture and moved along. He said he went back later to see it again but they had it covered up.
Ralph said that he has like 1500 pictures in his iPhone. He said that he doesn't always download them but he does once in a while. He said that he's go so much space on it that he doesn't have to delete them. Howard said that he's never seen someone take so many pictures with an iPhone before. He said that he takes pictures of everything. Ralph said that he even takes the phone to bed and he never gets sick of it like he does with other stuff.
Artie was telling Howard that Ralph was showing him the iPhone and he was able to go on YouTube to show him a video. Howard sounded impressed by that. Artie said that the video was impressive too. Howard said that he didn't know he could do that because he can't watch video on his Treo. Ralph told him that the Treo sucks.
Howard said that he's not switching phones again because he went from a Blackberry to the Treo and he's not going to spend that much time trying to figure out a new one. Artie said that he's got an iPhone but he's got another phone that's just a flip up phone that came with his car. He said that he can't learn how to do this e-mail thing and he's just doing text messages now. Artie said that he's got tons of texts coming in now and his assistant is taking care of the e-mail now.
Artie said that he doesn't do the ''LOL'' stuff or anything like that. He said he will abbreviate ''two'' with the number 2. He said that he likes that some people use ''L8R'' and he might start doing that. He said that a smoking hot chick taught him how to do the texting thing and chicks seem to love doing that. He said that they get way more intimate in texts because they don't actually have to say it out loud.
Howard said he wants to see Artie text. Artie said he would do it. Howard told him to write ''The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.'' Artie said that it would take him a little while to do that. He was going to text Gary that line. Artie said that he had to dial Gary's number first to bring that up on his screen. Howard had Fred time him to see how long it would take to send that simple text.
Artie said that he was on ''rain'' after about 30 seconds. Artie said that he took typing in school but his father told him that was for broads and he'd never need to learn that.
Gary came in with a text that Artie sent to Jason. Howard read the text and Artie was abbreviating a lot of what he was writing. Artie was still working on his text to Gary.
Artie said that he took typing in 8th grade and all he did was goof around. Artie finished up his text and it took him 2 and a half minutes to do it. Howard laughed at him about that. Artie said that it's easier to do that than make a whole phone call out of it. He said that chicks get friskier on the text too so he likes it for that.
Ralph said he was texting Artie for about an hour the other night. Howard said he could never do that for a whole hour.
Artie said that he's going to try a Blackberry or a Treo before he goes to an iPhone or something. He said he thinks that Howard would like one but Howard doesn't want it. He said that he doesn't want to switch because the stuff he has now is working for him.
Howard said he's not looking for a gift from Artie and he doesn't want the iPhone. He said that he's sick of it and he doesn't even have one.
Gary said that he and Artie were talking about what to get them for their wedding but Howard cut him off and said that they're just going to have them donate to a charity instead of getting gifts.
Artie said that they saw a great chess set of Stalin vs. Hitler. Howard said that he doesn't want that. He said that he wants to see the chess pieces clearly and not as characters.
Howard said that he's got another chess set of characters and he can't use it so it's in storage. He said that Ralph is one of these guys with too much stuff in his house that's not useful. He said he doesn't like to have stuff in his house that he can't use. He said that he would have yelled at Artie for giving him that chess set.
Howard said he doesn't get these people who collect shit and just pile it up in their houses. He said that his friend Pat Minokia is like that himself. He said his office is full of shit and you can barely get into it. Howard said that Pat will tell him he's crazy if he says something to him about it.
Robin said that she doesn't even like to have a closet full of stuff that you don't use. Artie said that you have to have a clean work area to paint and stuff and it's tough when your house is full of crap.
Artie was talking about the computer set up Howard has and it's pretty impressive. He said he heard that they scan everything in their computer system from fan mail to articles. Howard said that it is a nice set up. He said he had to go to break after that.
Artie said that they have some t-shirts that they wore on the USO tour and they may get some and give them away to fans. Howard said that would be nice and went to break.
Howard said that the brother must be a really angry dude because he's basically saying that he doesn't want anything to do with her again. He said that she'll never talk to him again after reading what he wrote about her.
Fred said that the big revelation was that Warren Beatty was going through her garbage to find out if she was cheating on him. Howard played some audio of the brother talking about his relationship with Madonna. He talked about how close they were when they were younger and how Guy Richie kind of ruined their relationship.
The brother was talking about the stuff that he thinks ruined the relationship. Howard said that Madonna has to be pissed about all of this stuff. Robin said that she's not encouraged to read this book yet either. Howard said that it's just the fact that it exists at all that must bother her.
Howard moved on and talked about how Stuttering John and John Stamos were named as having the worst bodies of 2007. He said that it looks like John Stamos has a huge outie belly button and it looks like it could have been doctored. He said that he's seen John with his shirt off and he's never noticed that before.
Dominic was saying that these pre-nups that people sign aren't always good in other countries. That led to Howard talking about how even contracts are kind of pointless because companies can just back out and not pay you. He said that's happened with his contracts with Clear Channel and other companies. Now these pre-nups are the same thing and people just back out of them and either demand money or refuse to pay money.
Dominic told the guys about a case he's dealing with now and how a guy is asking for a gift to be given back to him that he gave to his woman when they were together but she was cheating on him. They spent a short time on that.
Ralph called in and asked Howard how he can defend Christie Brinkley. Howard said that he's not defending her, he said that he's just saying that if she's trying to defend her assets and the guy was fucking with her, then she had to bring this stuff out in court.
Howard went on to say that the guy was looking at porn on a family computer and when you do something like that, it's just not right. He argued with Ralph about the case and what's been done. He said there is no way to win when you have a public divorce like that.
Howard said that they don't know what that guy was like, only Christie Brinkley knows what he was like and she did what she felt was right to protect her family. He said that she has to protect her money and her kids and she did what she felt was right. Howard thanked Ralph for calling but told him he had to move on.
Howard said that people are going to be very disappointed in this wedding. He said that they decided to keep it simple and just go to dinner with their friends. He said that they're not doing a big wedding, it's a party. He said that they're going to party and then go home. They're not going to be doing anything wild and it's going to be very disappointing to some people. He said he feels bad about that.
Howard said he met Lisa and her sisters the other night. He said that he was out at an interview with Beth the other night and Lisa was there with her sisters. Howard said that he doesn't enjoy being interviewed by these people but he does it anyway. Howard said that he doesn't remember what the questions were though.
Howard said that Lisa was there with 3 other yentas. He asked if they were all her sisters. Lisa said that two of them were her sisters.
Lisa said that she ran into Mark Consuelos and he is an ordained minister so he will be able to perform the ceremony. Howard said that they sat down and thought about who they wanted to marry them and they're not into the whole religious thing. He said that Beth told him that she wanted Mark to marry them. Artie thought that was kind of strange. He said that broads melt when they hear that guy's name brought up. He thinks that it's going to be competition for Howard.
Artie said he doesn't want any competition when he gets married so he wouldn't allow something like that. He told him he should have the fat guy from the Borat movie marrying them instead.
Robin said that she doesn't approve of this either and she knows that Howard would make fun of other people if they did something like that.
Howard said that Mark happens to be Beth's spiritual counselor so that's why she's having him do this. He said that they go off for hours at a time and aren't seen. He was joking of course.
Lisa said that Robin gave Jim Florentine something before he left for the USO tour. She gave him a CD and a picture of herself for Jim to look at while he was there. Howard asked if that was true. Robin said that Lisa was lying but she may have been trying to cover up. Howard told her that was very romantic and she seems to really be in love. He asked if it was a sexy picture. She said it really wasn't.
Artie said he saw the picture sitting in the barracks when they ran out to do some stuff over in Afghanistan. Howard asked Lisa if she saw the picture. Lisa didn't see it but she found out about it when she interviewed Jim before he went on the trip.
Lisa said that Jim didn't take the picture out of his bag while he was over there from what she heard. Artie said that he was there and Jim didn't take it out because he had about 8 issues of Hustler to keep him busy. He said he sat next to Jim on the plane for like 8 hours and he just listened to Black Sabbath albums and nothing like what Robin gave him.
Howard asked Robin if she ever gave Mr. X a picture of herself. Robin said that she did when he asked for one. Howard said that this is something special then because she's never done that before. Artie said that no one has ever given him a picture.
Howard asked Robin what she wrote on the picture. Robin said she wrote ''Good luck, take care of yourself...'' Howard asked what she was wearing in the picture. She said it was from the party she threw and there were some pictures she liked of herself.
Lisa said that Rev. Bob Levy is going to be taking on Danny Bonaduce on September 13th at the Tropicana in Atlantic City. Artie didn't know that was going on. Robin said that Bob has cut off his smoking and drinking to prepare for that fight.
Artie said that Bob is a tough guy and he loves him and he's seen him fight. He said that Bob can fight a bigger guy so he might have a shot at this Bonaduce thing. Howard said he loves Bob but he thinks that Danny is going to hurt him.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked if Mark Consuelos is also going to learn to tattoo so he can tattoo Howard's finger like he said he was going to do. Howard said that won't be happening.
Another caller asked what Lisa thought of Howard before she started working there and if Beth should get a restraining order. Howard cut him off and said ''oh please...''
Another caller, Wolfie, pointed out some stuff that Gary does with his tongue when he's just sitting there. He said that he puts his tongue on the corner of his mouth for no apparent reason. Howard thinks that he's doing it to feel the whiskers there on the side of his mouth. Gary said he wasn't even aware that he was doing it.
Howard said that they have to pick some of the Baba Booey song parody finalists soon. Wolfie asked if any of the guys on the staff got laid at their proms. Artie told a story about dating a chick that he got to second base with but didn't get laid that night. Howard said he didn't go to his prom. He said that he didn't even go to his graduation because he hated that school so much. Howard took a call from Bobo but his phone was so bad that he just hung up and went to break.
Howard said she looks beautiful. Artie said hello to her but got her name wrong when he said ''Ashley.'' Artie said that she's got that Lindsay Lohan voice like she's been drinking whiskey.
Howard said he saw Amber singing a song on her web site and she was singing about Paris Hilton. She said that it got pretty popular last year when it got over 30 million views. He asked her if she's smarter than Paris is. She said that she does have a pretty high IQ.
Howard asked Amber how she got into this magazine. She said that Joe Francis called her from jail and asked her to do it. He wanted her on the first cover but they moved her to the third one. She said that she actually dated Joe for a while. Artie said he may have met her before. He said that she may have been with Joe at the William Shatner roast. Amber said that she was. Artie said that he remembers that and his head is going to explode.
Howard asked her why she dated Joe. She said that he was fun and charming. She said that it took a lot of work for him to sleep with her but he did put in the time. She said that he was very nice to her and they're still very close. Howard asked if she just did it once with him or if it lasted a while. She aid that it did go on for a while. Amber said that guys don't usually break up with her, she's the one who breaks up.
Howard asked if the sex was good. She said that it was very energetic. She said that she was very satisfied with him and they covered most of the based doing stuff. She said that she did orgasm with him and it was a vaginal orgasm. Artie said that he's never been in the same room as a woman having a vaginal orgasm.
Amber said that she was on Entourage and her boobs were shown on that show. She said that she was doing another girl in the scene. Artie told her that he has a recurring role on that show. He said that she may have a shot at playing his girlfriend in the show now.
Amber said that Jeremy Piven asked her to help him go over his lines. She did that but not in his trailer. She said that he asked her to hang out with her but she wasn't that interested. She told him that she had a boyfriend. She said that Jeremy is too short for her. She said that she has a height limit and the guy has to be over 6 feet tall. Artie asked her if she has a weight limit too. She said that the guy has to be over 300 pounds.
Amber said that Jeremy called her and left a ton of messages for her. She said that she didn't even give him her number, he got it from someone else.
Howard asked Amber if she played those messages for her friends. She said that she did and she shows text messages to them too. She said that she heard from one of her friends that he's got a small penis too. Artie said that girls are rough.
Amber showed off her legs for the guys and said that she wears panties when she goes out to clubs and stuff. She said that she goes out with her friends to the clubs and stuff and she has made out with other girls and stuff at the clubs. She said it drives the guys crazy. She said that she's only made out with girls but hasn't gone all the way with any.
Amber said that she would like a girl to lick her but she doesn't want to do other girls. She said that she wouldn't say no if a woman asked to do that to her. She was also saying that she does put the effort into banging guys if she's into them. She won't lick an asshole or anything like that. Artie asked her if she doesn't kiss assholes because she did kiss Joe Francis.
Artie said that Jeremy Piven does have a move where he stops scenes and passes notes to people about the script and it appears that he does that to show he has power on that show.
Howard heard that David Spade hit on Amber. Amber said that she was at a party and he came up to her and told her she was a 6 and he usually goes to 10s. She said that she thought it was kind of funny but also thought he was a bit of an asshole. She said that Joe Francis told her that she was a 10 so he must have lied to her.
Howard said that they had Kevin Connelly on the show and he must have hit on her too. She said that she went to a party at his house and he came over and told her she could use the bathroom in his room. She did that but when she came out he was jumping up and down on his bed in his underwear playing some kind of trumpet or something. Amber said that Adrian Grenier spoke to her and they've met like 6 times but he never remembers her.
Howard asked where the wildest place she's ever had sex was. She said that she made love on a wave runner one time. She said it was out in Hawaii behind some islands.
Howard asked Amber who she's backing in the election. She said that she's backing Obama. Howard found out she was single after that and Artie told her to look to her right (at him). Howard said that Amber was in the TV show ''Lost'' too and played the girlfriend of the rock star character. That was in the first season.
Artie said that he just got back from Afghanistan from entertaining the troops over there. He said that they were under mortar fire and all of that stuff. He was trying to impress Amber with all of that. He wanted to present her with one of these coins that the guys over there gave to him. She thanked him for that and said that he'd higher on her list than Jeremy Piven.
Artie told Amber that he wants her to give Teddy her contact number and he'll set her up with this special ceremony. She told Artie to just ask for her number if he wanted it. Artie then said ''Can I have your number?''' and passed her some paper and a pen.
Howard gave Amber some plugs for the Girls Gone Wild magazine and said you can see more at GirlsGoneWildMagazine.com. Then he found out that she likes to be spanked and tied up. Howard had to break after that. Artie sounded like he was still trying to talk to her but Howard was cutting him off.
Howard said that Dave had a show over there that was canceled. Dave said that he ended that show, which was called ''Insomniac.'' Dave said that he was getting tired of doing that and now this Gong Show is great for him. He said that he hasn't been drinking for about 6 months now.
Howard asked Dave if the drinking thing is part of his persona and not so real. Dave said that he's not sure and he just wishes he was Amber Hay right now. He said that he was sick of doing nothing and the drinking was boring. He said that he used to do coke years ago too.
Howard said that Sarah Silverman claims that she didn't see him drinking when she was dating Dave. Dave said that's because he didn't have any money back then. Dave asked Howard what he's going to do with his wedding and suggested he just have two different ones. One in the front of the house and one in the back. He could just run between the two.
Dave was saying that they weren't sure how to recapture that Gong Show stuff in the new version. He said that it was such a fun show back in the 70s. Dave said that Howard has done similar stuff with his show and they used him for inspiration for the new show. Howard said that was nice to hear him say.
Dave said that the Gong Show was the first place where you got to see freaks on TV. He said it was the only outlet for those types of people.
Howard said that America's Got Talent is kind of like a modern Gong Show because they do the same kind of stuff on there. Howard asked if they're looking for real talent on the Gong Show. Dave said ''NO!'' He said that they're not looking for that same kind of thing they have on America's Got Talent. They have all kinds of different judges on their show and the guys get involved in the acts and stuff, like that other show.
Howard asked Dave if anyone is going to be discovered on this show and go on to do big things. Dave said that it hasn't worked for him yet so he's not sure. He said that they want to have all kinds of freaks on the show and they do show a lot of wild stuff on there.
Howard asked Dave if he's making a decent amount of money doing the show. Dave said that they're actually paying him in Mind of Mencia merchandise. Howard said that's about what he expected. Dave said that finding those acts isn't as easy as you'd expect now that YouTube is around. He said that he took the job and turned it into more work than it should be.
Howard asked Dave if they're paying him well or not. Dave said that he's being paid okay. Artie said that he was going to take a guess and he has not spoken to Dave about this at all. He said that he's going to guess that he's getting paid 20 grand an episode for 8 episodes. Dave said that they bring the money if you bring the ratings over there. He said that the Gong Show has been tried before.
Dave said that they're not trying to do what Chuck Barris did on his version. Howard said that Chuck looked drunk or high when he did it and he had a lot of fun with it. Dave said that they approached him to do the show but he wanted nothing to do with it.
Howard asked Dave how long he dated Sarah Silverman. Dave said he didn't remember and asked if he was going to be invited to his wedding. Howard said he wasn't sure about that because they don't really hang out together. Howard asked him if he really expected to be invited to the wedding. Dave said ''absolutely not.'' He told Howard that it's a pleasure not to go to a wedding most times. He said he'd be afraid of messing up going to a wedding like that anyway.
Howard asked Dave more about his break up with Sarah Silverman and who broke up with who. Dave said that Sarah was the one who broke it off. He said that he thinks they went out a couple of years that they dated. He also said he thinks that Jimmy and Sarah will get back together because sweeps week is coming up soon.
Howard asked if the sex was great with Sarah. He's trying to figure out what could have gone wrong with Jimmy and Sarah. Dave said that Sarah is a great lover and she's like 3 in one. Dave said that she really is a great lover and she's a very ''alive'' person. He said that she was into sports and he could care less about that shit.
Howard said that he liked hanging out with Jimmy and Sarah as a couple but that won't happen anymore. Dave wondered why. Howard told him because they're not together anymore. Dave said that he just heard about that the other day and he thinks that they were both just working a lot. He said that it's more of an adult scene there and they're probably too busy for each other.
Howard told Dave that the last time he saw them Sarah was telling him that she really loved Jimmy and thought they were going to be together forever. Howard asked if Dave ever did Jimmy's show. Dave said he did but they didn't share stories about being with Sarah.
Dave said that Howard always brings this stuff up when he comes in and he wonders what he has to do to get him to talk about other stuff. Dave said that he must have to find Bin Laden or something.
Howard asked Dave if he's ever made sex tapes with Sarah. Dave said he never did that. Howard said he's tried but he looks so disturbing on the video that he has to destroy them after making them.
Howard said that Gary came back from Afghanistan and told him what a saint Dave was. He went into his impression of Gary and explained to Dave what he was saying to him about how great Dave was over there. He goofed on Gary about that for a short time.
Dave told Howard that the guys were great out there. He said that the troops over there have to go through a lot of stuff that we don't even know about here. He said that they have a lot of down time and they have to do it over and over for a year so they're just there to break up the monotony of the whole thing.
Artie said that it's so satisfying when the guys come up after the show and tell them how much they appreciate what they did. Dave has been over to visit the troops about 4 or 5 times. Howard asked Dave about the mortar attack and if that was the first time he ever had that. Dave said that other than coming on this show, yes, that was the first time he's been under attack.
Dave said that he was roommates with Artie and Nick for a while and it's very hard to sleep in the same room as Artie. He said that Artie talks in his sleep and orders food in his sleep. He said he's not joking around about that either. He said that they can ask Nick and he'll confirm the story.
Artie said that he's heard that story from other people too. Dave did his impression of Artie ordering his food in his sleep and he'll let out a ''two burgers and a (Mountain) Dew...'' while he's sleeping. Artie said that's funny because he doesn't even drink Mountain Dew.
Howard asked Dave about shooting off the guns over there and if he liked doing that. Dave said that he did do that and it's a lot of fun.
Howard said that Dave seems to do this stuff with joy when he goes over there. Dave said that they met the Colonel at one of the bases and the guy is a huge Stern fan. He said that the guy was giving them a rundown of the base and stuff but then he asked about the merger of the satellite companies and asked Jim if he's still dating Robin and stuff like that.
Howard took some calls for Dave. One guy asked if they were ever scared that they weren't going to get out alive. Dave said that the real scary part is the flying. He said that you fly on a lot of aircraft and some of them are from the 60s. Artie said that the flights are really long because they can't fly over certain areas. He said there are no windows on the planes either so that makes it even worse.
Artie said that when they were in the bunker he was talking to one of the guys about how they could be just vaporized. He said that kind of freaked him out.
Howard gave Dave a plug for his Myspace page Myspace.com/attell and then took another call. A guy asked Dave if Sarah took it up the ass. Dave said that he wasn't into that and Sarah may have been more into the Kubalah than into the ass stuff.
Artie talked about the good times they had over there talking and making each other laugh. He said that Dave is being humble about some of this stuff. He said that a ton of guys recognized him out there from his Insomniac show and Dave is very willing to hang out with them. He said that it was a great tour over there.
Howard asked Dave if he has a girlfriend. Dave said that he does have a friend but he wasn't saying who she was. Howard told her to bring her in there right now. Dave asked how he knew it was a her.
Howard asked Dave who he thinks can handle the situation over there better, McCain or Obama. Dave said that he thinks that Obama and the Burger King might make a great team. He said that comes to thought after he's had a few drinks.
Artie told a story about the Burger King over in Kandahar that burned down. He said he was looking forward to it but the place burned down the week before. It was also near the camp that's right near the shit pond. Artie said that there's a Starbucks rip-off place over there too. He said that was called Three Bean. He said that the troops walk around with an M16 and a Caramel Macchiato.
Howard said that Artie was saying that he was leaning toward McCain after coming back from Afghanistan. Dave said that he's still not sure who he's going to back yet. He said that he might back Obama but he does love McCain after reading his books. He said he may just sleep through it and not vote at all.
Artie said that he heard from Nick that he said something in his sleep that was ''No, regular Coke!'' Artie said that he had a wet dream and it turned out to be ketchup.
Howard asked Dave if he's going to call Sarah Silverman and ask her to go out with him again. Dave said that he's not even in her league anymore. Howard told Dave he thinks he's kind of hot.
Artie said that Dave was the shit back in the 90s and he must have gotten a lot of hot chicks back then. He said that he's a famous guy now so he must get a lot of chicks. Dave said that's really cool of Artie to say to him. He said that when they were out on tour Nick was the guy back in the 90s and he looked up to him back then and even now.
Artie said that all of the guys that were on tour are headliners so it was very nice that they came out on the road with him. Howard wrapped up with Dave and said that he's looking forward to the new Gong Show.
Artie said that when he was over on the USO tour they heard about this hospital in Florida that supports the injured soldiers. Dave does work with them and one guy came over and told him that he was disabled but went back to work over there. Artie said that he's going to be doing a benefit show for that place in Florida sometime in October. He said that the show is going to be free. Dave said that it's called Wounded Warrior.
Howard gave Dave some plugs for the Gong Show that starts on Thursday on Comedy Central. He gave him some plugs for his Myspace page and for some tour dates. They went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Benjy if he was using some self tanning lotion or something because he looks orange. Benjy said that he did try some.
Gary came in and said that he thinks he got that white hair. Howard then got upset because they're stuck in the building today because there's a parade going on right outside their building. Howard said that the streets are closed and they're not even sure how to get out of there.
Howard had Steve Langford come in after that. Steve said that they have a story about the USO tour guy who said that Artie could have gotten himself into a lot of trouble getting so upset in a foreign country like he did when their flights got all screwed up. Steve said that the guy was also talking about Artie's sleeping while he was over there. Howard said that you'd think that his adrenaline would keep him awake over there.
Steve said that Johnny Fratto is upset that Eric the Midget showed up so late for his meet and greet last week. He claims that he heard that Eric went to a strip club before going to the meet and greet but Eric denies that.
Howard had Jon Hein come in after that. Jon ran down his Wrap Up Show preview quickly. They ended up talking about Howard's wedding for a short time. Howard said that he really doesn't want to go through the whole guest list thing and maybe he should just go get married like Fred did with no one at the wedding.
Howard said that he had some video of Jeff the Drunk bowling from the new Wack Pack Bowling series that's going to air on Howard TV next month. He had the guys play that so the guys could check it out. They seemed to be impressed by Jeff's shot. He had some spin on the ball and it actually hit some pins. They also had some video of Beetlejuice bowling so they checked that out as well. He got a gutter ball when he tried. Howard watched Beet's second try and it went right into the gutter again.
Howard said they had some video of Siobhan the transsexual rubbing his fake vagina on the ball. The guys watched that and Robin wondered why and how that happened. Howard said that John the Stutterer and Yucko the Clown ended up getting into a fight during the shoot. He had the guys play that clip as well. Ronnie had to break up the two of them. Howard said the first show starts airing on August 12th.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Brett Favre trying to get out of his contract with the Green Bay Packers. They spent a few minutes talking about that. Robin then moved on to some news about Barack Obama and John McCain. She had some audio clips that they played through.
Robin read some news about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and then President Bush lifting the ban on off shore oil drilling. That led to JD coming in to tell Howard who one of the clips was that he was playing. They ended up goofing on JD about his mumbling, his hair cut that was showing too much of his face and some other stuff. JD said that he lets his hair grow long but it gets annoying and then he cuts it. He said that he doesn't look good either way. Artie told JD that he can have more ''hip'' hair. Howard cut them off and let JD go after that.
Robin read some more news about Barack Obama and a cover of the New Yorker that was showing him as a terrorist. They talked about that for a short time and played some clips of the editor explaining their ''joke.'' Robin read some news about Jesse Ventura making a big announcement on Larry King Live. He announced that he won't be running for a Senate seat. She played some clips of him talking about his reasons for not running. She had some news about some attacks in Iraq that killed a bunch of people. Robin also read some news about Tony Snow's death.
They played the clips from The Shining again at one point. Howard said it really does sound like Eric the Actor. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man was the one who came up with that. Robin said that they should do a sequel with Eric playing the finger. Howard said that's a good idea. The guys talked about how great that movie was.
Gary came in and said that some of the most searched things on Google trends today are the people who were mentioned or appearing on the show today. Amber Hay was the number one most searched.
Robin had Howard playing Sarah Silverman's ''I'm Fucking Matt Damon'' song that she did for Jimmy Kimmel's show. She read a story about the new Batman movie premiere. There were a bunch of people talking about Heath Ledger's death since he played The Joker in the movie. Howard said that he knew Heath after meeting him out at dinner one night. He said that he actually got a call from the guy after bad mouthing him on the air. That led to Howard doing impressions of people talking about Heath. They ended the show a short time later, around 10:45am.
Gary said that he never disliked Teddy and he didn't have a problem with him being his assistant. Gary said that he's noticed that Artie doesn't like to do things and he asks people to do some stuff for him. Gary said that Artie would ask for cold water over in Afghanistan and it was like he didn't want to go get it for him.
Gary said that he got to see the crap Teddy has to deal with so he has a better understanding of him now. Teddy said that things can get kind of crazy. He said that he has 2 and a half years left to prove himself and then he's back to working at a car wash or something.
Shuli came in and told the guys that interviewed Jim about the picture and it was the first time he's ever seen Jim uncomfortable talking about something. He said that Jim claims that he never took that picture of Robin out of his bag. It was more of a guardian angel type of thing for him. Shuli said he didn't hear what was written on the picture either.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he got some e-mails from some people in Afghanistan who saw the shows over there and they thought it was great. He said they told him to call in and let them know how much they enjoyed it. Gary said that it was an amazing experience and they were in awe of the people they were around over there. Gary said that they even had troops who didn't see the shows coming up to them and thanking them for coming over.
Another caller said he didn't like hearing hours of Ralph talking about Batman today. He said that he wanted to hear more about the USO trip yesterday and Ralph probably ruined that. Gary said that they may take an hour on Howard 101 to talk more about that trip.
Benjy said that he thinks that Dave was only partially joking about it and it may have been his way of just trying to get into the wedding. Gary said he doesn't believe that at all.
Jon asked the guys if they were nervous about going to Howard's wedding at all. Gary said he's not at all. He said that the gift thing is his worst nightmare though. He said that it's got to be a money gift now that Howard has announced it's going to be a charity thing. The guys said that now they're going to be judged on the money thing instead of what kind of gift they get.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he liked the little fights they get into on the show and ended up doing an impression of Doug Goodstein. Gary said he liked that impression. It sounded nothing like Doug at all.
The caller asked some questions about the SIRIUS Stiletto and if it's true that it connects to the web. Jon said that it does do that. He let him go a short time later and took some more phone calls.
Jon said that Gary has a high tolerance for pain and he can handle a lot but then there are days when he freaks out and snaps over the littlest things. Gary said it all depends on his mood.
Jon and Gary asked Benjy how he handles being goofed on. Benjy said that he can have nightmares and stuff about things that happen on the show so he has to deal with it that way. Gary said that he wonders if it should get to him after his shrink asked him if it does. He said that it really doesn't bother him but now he thinks that maybe he should get upset about it.
Gary said that Benjy has cried over things on the show so he asked him if he thinks about them after and wonders why he cried. Benjy said that he did this tanning thing today so he would have darker skin. He said that he was holding off on it because he figured people would think it was a bit he was doing. Gary said that it was very noticeable today.
Benjy said that he likes darker skin and he thinks that it looks great. Gary asked him if he likes black people. Benjy said that he doesn't like it quite that dark but something like Obama's skin color.
Benjy said that he felt stupid for not trying the tanning stuff out when he was on vacation. He thought about that last night. Jon told him to talk to Sal about that because he has experience with it. Gary laughed and told him to go ask Rocky Raccoon (Sal). Mike Gange told Benjy that he looks like an Oompa Loompa because he looks way too orange.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if people are tired of Gary name dropping after going to Afghanistan. Benjy said that he was kind of annoyed that Gary started wearing medals around the office. That got some laughs from the guys. That guy got in a plug for his web site ClubhouseCancer.com
Jon took a call from a guy who asked what their worst moments were over there in Afghanistan. Gary said that he didn't get much sleep. He also said that he got sick on the helicopter flights they were taking so that was kind of rough.
Another caller said that he was reading about Christie Brinkley's divorce case and they were saying that the case would have turned out the same way even if she had kept it sealed. That led to the guys talking about how it usually hurts the kids the worst when the parents go through something like that.
That caller also said that he met Benjy on the train recently and he has a new perspective on him. He said he was very nice and polite to him and that's not what he thought he was like. He said he wasn't showing off or anything and he kind of had to pry it out of him that he was actually Benjy.
Another caller brought up the Christie Brinkley thing and said that he thinks that she's opening up herself for a defamation of character case now that she's brought up the stuff her ex was up to. Gary said that stuff was true so he's not sure she could be sued for something like that.
Benjy tried to defend the web cam masturbation that the guy was doing but Gary said that it's not as normal as Benjy thinks it is. Benjy said that it's not that crazy in this day and age. Jon said that the guy was dating an 18 year old girl and masturbating on camera. Benjy said that he knows that it wasn't really moral what he was doing but it's not that crazy.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that Benjy hit it on the head. He said that the guy was doing modern day phone sex and that's it. He said that in 10 years you'll be able to do that kind of thing on your wrist watch. He said that doesn't make the guy insane. He said that it just embarrasses the kids and that's the bottom line. Ralph thinks she's a loon because she's been married 5 times. He also called her a wacky cunt before Jon cut him off.
A caller asked the guys if they think that Ralph would ever write a book about Howard after he retires. Jon said that the question is ''would he finish the book.'' Ralph said he would take the advance and never finish it. Then he said that he never would write a book about him, there's not that much to write about. Then he laughed and said there are a few things.
Ralph said that he wouldn't write a book about Howard or Beth. The guys were asking him if he would write it after he gets mad when some woman gets into Howard's life and cuts him off from Howard. Ralph said that he is working on a book but it's not about Howard at all. Jon let him go after that.
A caller told Jon he did a great job with the Game Show Week special they ran last week. Jon told Gary about some of the stuff they ran since he missed out on it. Jon also thanked the guys who helped out with the special. They had to go to break a short time later.
The caller also asked if Robin has been extra cunty since vacation. Gary said that it's just Tuesday so it's only been two days. The caller said that maybe something happened that made her spice it up a little bit. Benjy said that she's always been bitchy and when a bitchy woman loses weight, that gives them even more reason to be bitchy.
Gary asked what the difference is between bitchy, cunty, or having a strong opinion. The guys said it could be the looks thing. JD said that she's not cunty, she has a strong opinion and has no filter on herself. He trailed off and Gary laughed at his answer. That led into them talking about JD's hair cut.
Teddy told JD to keep the long hair and the ''Jesus look'' that he had there for a while. Gary joked that Jared was making fun of his hair cut. JD said that he knows that he doesn't dress and look hip all the time and he doesn't care.
Jon took another call from a woman who asked what they ate over in Afghanistan. Gary said that it was kind of like school lunch type meals. they had a lot of cold cuts, hot dogs, steak, chicken... and a lot of other choices. He said that he actually gained 3 pounds over there. Artie lost 15.
The woman asked if she could get a tour of the studio. Gary said that if she sends in a picture of herself in a bikini and he'd see what he could do. She didn't want to do that at first but then said that she would do that.
Jon said that Benjy isn't the only one saying that. JD said that he agrees with Benjy and she was a little off in the face.
The guys talked about Amber's claims that she was on ''Lost'' and Jon said that he looked it up and couldn't find a reference to her being on the show. He said that if she was, it didn't make it to IMDB.com. Gary said that he thinks that she bought into everything that Artie was saying to her.
Gary wondered if they could talk about what went on off the air. He went right into it and said that Artie got her number and was talking to Howard about it and wondering if he should just call her and ask her out. Gary said that he told him that he's going to be on the end of her list of guys who tried to hit on her but Artie didn't care.
A caller said that he found Amber to be extraordinarily annoying today. He said that she wasn't even that hot. He said that he was actually hoping that Ralph would call in and rail on her. He said that's the first time he's ever wished for something like that.
Another caller asked why they didn't try to put Amber on the Sybian. Gary said they figured she wouldn't be interested in going on it. The caller said that's the whole idea of trying to talk a girl into it. JD said that she may have been more of a tickle chair type of girl.
Gary said that he was looking at pictures of Amber and they don't do her justice. He said that she was very pretty in person.
Another caller said that Artie is always saying that these chicks are the ''hottest chick ever'' and they have to do something about that. He suggested putting up pictures of other hot chicks behind him so they can have Artie rate them in a group.
Another caller asked if they think that Howard is annoyed by the amount of time they're spending talking about the USO tour. The guys said they don't see that at all.
Another caller asked what country they went to other than Afghanistan. Gary told him that it was Kyrgyzstan but the guy said that there is no country named Kyrgyzstan. Gary argued that there is one called Kyrgyzstan and went back and forth with that guy for a minute before Jon hung up on him.
Jon took another call from a woman who said she loved the way Howard was goofing on Maggie Gyllenhaal talking about Heath Ledger during the news today. She also said that JD shouldn't worry about that hair cut stuff because they're going to find something to goof on him about no matter what.
Gary told JD that they like him even if they do goof on him. Ralph called in a short time later and Gary said that he thinks that Ralph is going to say that she was annoying today. Ralph said that he actually thought that she was good. He said he was more upset that they didn't have a picture of that chick up on Howard's web site. He said that they need to get on top of that and get their act together. He said that Howard knows that they're not running that site right over there anyway.
Ralph said that the show should be interactive at this point and they should have pictures up the minute the people come on the show. Ralph said that she probably sat there for a while before she came into the studio and they should have gotten some pictures up on the site before she was on the air. He said people shouldn't be searching google for her, they should see her on Howard's web site.
Jon said he agrees with Ralph on that but he doesn't know what the reasons are for not getting them up. Ralph said it's indefensible at this point. Jon let him go.
Jon took another call and asked if anyone heard the F-bomb being dropped during the Home Run Derby last night. Jon said he did hear that and JD pulled the audio but it wasn't all that clear so he didn't pitch it to Howard. JD said that he would put it up if enough people call in and demand to hear it.
Jon took another call from a guy who corrected everyone on the Kyrgyzstan argument earlier. He told them the correct pronunciation of the place since neither Gary or the Russian guy who called in had it right.
Teddy and JD got into a little bit of an argument but they didn't spend much time on that since the show was coming to an end.
Howard started off the show wishing KC Armstrong a happy birthday. He said that he's off doing other things now but he did used to work for them. He also said that Beth's birthday was yesterday so he talked about the dinner they had in celebration of that. He said that they had some romance for her birthday and he got her an expensive piece of jewelry. He gave her that a couple of weeks ago though. He said it was about two weeks ago.
Howard said he gave Beth himself for her birthday last night. He said that he figured he had to get her something else even though he got her that jewelry a couple of weeks ago. He said that was the real gift but he also got her a card and the gift of his semen.
Artie asked Howard if he wrote something like ''Like I'm going to beat out a team of writers from Hallmark...'' in the card. Howard said that he actually wrote her something about being his wife in the card. Artie asked him what he's going to write her in a couple of years for Mother's day. Howard said he was just being silly now.
Howard read some stuff about George and how he turned that team into what they are today after CBS failed at doing anything with them. He said that George has talked about how you don't get rid of something like that and you just cultivate it and make it better over the years. Howard said he does a great job at keeping the franchise polished.
Robin said that George is very passionate about the team and he gets pissed if they don't win. Artie talked about how quick he turned them around too. He had them winning by 1978 after they did so poorly in the years before he bought the team.
The guys talked about how George doesn't look like he's in good health these days. Artie said that his son looks like a boob too. Howard wondered if he's going to sell the team after his father dies. Artie said he could very well do that.
Howard said Gary was telling him about the new stadium that the Giants and Jets are getting. He said that the season ticket holders are being told they have to pay a $20,000 tax on season ticket seats. That's per ticket so Gary knows a guy who has 4 seats and has to pay $80,000 to keep his seats.
Gary came in and talked about that a little bit and that's just so you can hold on to your seats so you can keep paying for tickets.
Artie asked Howard if he did a read with the cast of his movie before they made it. Howard said they did that and video taped it. He said that it was actually kind of funny.
Howard said that they had a table read and they had a guy in there that was great during the read but when they did the movie he was awful. He said that they cut his scene out because the guy was so bad. He said that his table read was just great though. He said he felt bad for him and it was kind of sad. He couldn't remember his lines and he only had 3.
Artie told a story about this Jennifer Esposito chick that he worked with in a movie. He said that she wasn't able to remember her lines in this one scene and they had to cut the scene together to make it work and he felt so bad for her. He said that she was taking so long that they couldn't keep going or else the union was going to have to charge like $200,000 extra to do the scene. Howard told some stories about some other people who can't remember their lines but they keep working anyway.
Howard played the audio of the voice mail that Gary got with Sean Penn's message on it. Penn was asking for a vote ''no'' on something. Howard said that Gary felt very important when he got that call on his voice mail. Howard wondered if Sean Penn really spends a lot of time researching stuff like that.
Artie told Howard that David Spade has a story about Sean Penn that he told once. He said that Spade was in the same hotel as Sean Penn and Spade asked him to give him a call. Penn called him and tried to get in touch with him but he was under a different name. Penn told him it was tough to get in touch with him since he was under a different name. He told Spade to call his room and he was there under his own name.
Howard said that he does the same thing at hotels and even in his apartment building. He said that fans will track him down so he has to give people a code name to get up to his apartment. Artie said he tried to get into the building one time and the door man wouldn't let him in without knowing the right name.
Howard said that he has a code name that's hard to say and some people forget what it is. He said he has a whole back story for why he picked that name too and it's really gay. Artie said that he never did find out what it was. He said that it might be best that he doesn't know what it is.
Howard said that Benjy goes to this web site and he's able to get fucked constantly. Artie said he hears that Benjy gets a lot of pussy. Benjy told him that he sends pictures of himself that are way too good but the chick didn't seem to care and they just had a little small talk and then went and fucked.
Benjy said that the site is kind of for getting laid but he wouldn't say what it was. Howard said that the chicks aren't whores, they're just regular chicks. Howard said the story is really strange. The chick has never been on the show but she does have a connection to the show.
Howard said that Benjy tells him that he's constantly getting laid. Benjy said that the woman doesn't know that he works on the show. He said that the sex was really good too. He said that she's very responsive to him and she blew Ivy away. Artie said that the Ivy tape was pretty wild.
Benjy said he told Will who he fucked and he started laughing. Artie said that he remembers telling Howard stories like that and he'd go on the air and drag it out of him. Howard said that the story is really bizarre and she's only a celebrity because of some bizarre reasons. He said the whole thing is bizarre.
Artie talked about how he banged one chick that was kind of famous. He said he told that story before. Artie also said that he did something on the show where he asked Howard to write the name down of a famous person who gave Howard a blow job and he got that name from him. He said that he and Gary were talking about that in Afghanistan but they didn't tell anyone else. They had to go hide from the other guys to make sure they didn't hear about it.
Howard said that Sal did something really fucked up and he said that the guy is insane. He said that he's really just out of it. Gary came in and said that Sal did this thing that kind of offended him. Howard said that they've gone through thousands of entries for the song parody contest and both Sal and Richard have slowed down the process.
Gary said that Sal was claiming that he had done versions of these songs that people were sending in and claimed that people were taking his stuff and redoing them. Howard said that when they picked these finalists Sal asked where the ones he picked were. Sal thought he picked funny ones but other people didn't think that he had. That led to Sal going back and making a song parody about Gary where he uses the N-word over and over again in the song.
Howard said that Sal thinks that it's okay to use the N-word as long as what you're doing is funny. The only thing is that they don't think that this is that funny. Howard played the song parody which was to the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller and it was just the N-word. Howard played a few seconds of the song and said that it was too offensive to continue playing it. Robin said that all she heard was the N-word because the rest of the song was unintelligible.
Howard played a little more of the song and it was Sal talking about Gary's lips using the N-word. Artie said that Sal has never been a fan of the show for the right reasons. He said that some people got the joke and others didn't. Sal is the one who didn't get the joke. He said that's what he thinks about Sal and he must think that Howard is a racist or something.
Howard said that they do have to pick some songs but Sal was way out of line with his thoughts on the parodies so they can't go by what he picked.
Howard asked Gary how he wanted to do this. Gary said they have to pick 5 songs out of about 30 that they have. Howard played one song which was to the tune of Aquarius and was about Gary's hairy ass. Artie said that Gary isn't known for a hairy ass so that one doesn't win. Another one was to the tune of a Billy Joel song, Angry Young Man. The guys seemed to like that one a lot.
Artie said that Jim's advice was to just fuck 'em and leave 'em. Gary said that Jim was actually quiet during that discussion. Artie said that Jim is really good at helping out with comedy and stuff. He said that he's a good listener and he'll help out with stuff like this too but Gary was talking so much he couldn't get a word in.
Artie said that he can't get into the details of what's going on with the woman thing because he'd have to get into detail. He said that he could get into it but it would be boring. Howard told him to skip it but then had him get into it anyway.
Artie said that he has friends who have kids and wives and all of that stuff. He never really cared about it in the past but now that he's 40 he does. He said that he's looking for this life that he'd like to have and he can't quite get it. He said that he lost Dana and screwed that up. Now he's got another girl that he kind of sees and he's thinking about taking it to another level. He said that he doesn't want to bring that out on the air because it's going to open a can of worms. Artie said that Gary gave him some advice on what to do to have a more normal life and stuff like that.
Howard figured that Gary gave Artie some advice on which woman to settle down with and that's what Artie was talking about. Artie was trying to keep the story funny but he wasn't getting to the details. He went on to talk about how Gary made the transition from banging a lot of chicks to settling down. Artie said that his shrink told him something that really hit home with him. He said that he should have figured this out a long time ago. He said that he has issues with the death of his father and Gary told him that he really needs to get that therapy to get over that. Howard said that's not new advice, that's something they've told him on the show many times.
Howard said he wants to hear new advice, not stuff that they've already spoken about. Artie said that Gary was helping him out and telling him that he has to get through the therapy first. He said that he can't talk about some of this stuff on the air so that's why he's keeping it a secret. That led to Artie saying that if they force this out of him, he's going to strangle Benjy until he gives the name of the person he just fucked and then strangle Howard to give the name of the famous broad that blew him.
Artie wasn't going to give out this information but then he said that he has these broads that he's seeing but he's also thinking about calling Dana and trying to work that whole thing out again. Howard said that was more interesting as a secret. He said he was just kidding and found that to be kind of interesting that he was thinking about calling Dana.
Artie said that he knows that there are a lot of women who are hearing this now and are calling Dana to let him know what they're talking about.
Howard asked Gary what he said to Artie that was so profound. Artie said that he didn't want to talk about it. He said that what Gary told him was very useful but he really doesn't want to talk about it on the air. Howard said he never asked him to bring this stuff up on the air and he's happy to end it. He said that the whole thing was that he found it hard to believe that Gary had profound advice.
Artie said that if Robin shows up to his house again in her boat, he's going to sink it. That led to him saying that the name of her boat is ''Right On Q'' which are her initials, R.O.Q. Robin said that she didn't name the boat, Mr. X did that. Robin said that they discussed that years ago.
Artie told her she should have called the boat ''Always Yappin'' and told her she was being a pain in the ass this morning.
Howard wanted to get back to Sal's song parody. That led to Gary talking about the song and how he thinks Sal did it to show how easy it was to create a song parody about him.
Ralph called in and guessed that Gary told Artie to make a video tape for Dana. Artie said that Gary actually did joke about that in that 3 hour discussion they had. Howard ended up doing an impression of Gary doing his apology tape. He was making fun of his delivery and reciting the video that he might be able to recite word for word.
Artie said that he and Dana went to see a Yankee game on July 1 years ago and he had his new Mercedes. That was the time that she was walking down the street and refusing to get into the car because she was mad at him. He said that he called her a cunt that day and said that he did that because he doesn't hit women.
Artie said that he was at the Yankee game with Dana and Derek Jeter made a great play. He said that they got back to Dana's apartment and she looked really good that night. He said that they drove around to a park and he ended up fucking her in the park in the car. He was going to go back to her apartment but he ended up banging her in the car instead.
Artie said that two weeks later he got a picture of Jeter making that play and it was signed by Jeter. He said that he's really thinking about making the play for her again now. He said that they all got very reflective of their lives after seeing what they saw over in Afghanistan.
Artie said that he actually spoke to Dana after he heard that she was dating. He said that she heard that show and he did a bunch of things to get ready to leave for Afghanistan. He said she showed up to his apartment that night with a friend of her's. He said that she was upset and told him that she wasn't dating anyone, she just went to dinner with someone. She was upset that he was upset and had to smooth things over. He said that she brought him a card and a favorite thing of theirs that he brought to Afghanistan with him.
Artie said that Dana was really worried about him. He said that he ended up calling him from Afghanistan and she told him ''Just get therapy, I'm going out...'' because she's heard all of this stuff from him before. He said that she pointed out all of the stuff that he had done over the years and how he had to get that together. Artie said that the stubborn guinea in him is keeping him from going to therapy.
Howard did his impression of Gary giving him advice again and goofed on him for a few more minutes. He told Artie that he should turn to him when he wants advice instead of Gary. Howard ended up playing some of Gary's ''take me back'' tape. He asked Artie why he would take advice from someone who made something like that.
Artie told Howard that the best deal he ever made was getting that tape from Gary for $20,000. Howard listened to some of that and ended up goofing on Gary about the stuff he was saying in it.
Howard asked Artie if he's going to make a tape like Gary did. Artie said he would never do that. Gary asked Howard if he thinks that he's really not a helpful person.
Howard said that Gary wasn't so helpful with him when he asked him to go on a flight with him in first class. Gary fell asleep and then woke up and asked for some orange juice and went right back to sleep. Howard wanted to talk to him but Gary slept. Artie said that Gary did the exact same thing to him on a flight one time.
Artie said that he wanted Gary to go with him to London when they were going to fly out of Istanbul. He was going to pay for Gary to go with him. He said that he was going to pay for the flight and some rooms in London but the guys had other things going on.
Howard asked Gary what steps he gave to Artie about getting Dana back. Artie said that Gary didn't think that getting back with her was the best idea. Artie said that the same problems might come up with her because he won't change for anyone.
Artie said that when he had the broad show up to his place to bang him, and then she left, it was the greatest thing ever. He said that he liked having something like that. He said that he got to hang out with his friends after that and he loved it.
Artie said that he's been writing some jokes for the Saget roast and he's been working on his book and he has no one to bother him in his home. He said that he's a happy, lonely guy right now. Howard said that he must be lonely. Artie said that he is lonely but he's kind of happy. He said that the guy who wrote the article about him for Playboy pointed out some of the problems he's got. He said that guy saw how he lives his life and said that one of his problems is loneliness.
Howard told Artie that he has the perfect woman right under his nose. It's the Mexican cleaning woman. He said that she comes in, cleans up his place and leaves. That's what he's looking for. Artie said that she really is a great woman. He said that she comes in and cleans his bathroom and stuff like that and it's great. He said that she even seems to care about him and asks him how he's doing even though she doesn't speak much English. She's never demanded that he get therapy either. Artie said that he'll just hand her $100 for no reason at times.
Artie talked about how great this job is that he has and how the Afghanistan trip made him appreciate it even more. He said that he's way happier than he was a while back. He said that he's not a suicidal lonely guy now.
Artie talked about some of his buddies who have good jobs, wives and kids and he used to be against that. He said that he wants to be in that kind of relationship so he can play ball with his kid. Howard said that they should just get him a kid that he can play ball with then. He should just adopt or something.
Howard said that Artie is thinking that his kids are going to want to do what he wants to do but they may not give a shit about doing that stuff. Howard said that it's going to be too much of a burden on the child if he wants them to do just what he loves to do. That led to Fred and Artie doing impressions of an effeminate kid that Artie could possibly end up with. Howard had to wrap up after that and go to break. He wished Artie luck with getting back together with Dana if he does that.
Howard was going to go to break but they were playing Artie singing ''Dreaming'' and Gary said that they got 3 song parodies to that song. Howard tried to find them but he was having a hard time getting them. Will eventually told him exactly where it was. He found one of them and played it. It was about Gary's horse teeth of course. Another one was a little slower so Howard cut that one off.
Artie said that to end this whole thing was a story about Nick DiPaolo telling a joke about his wife. He also said that the actress who blew Howard was Tyne Daly. He was just kidding about that of course. Howard went to break after that.
Howard asked Trump about what he's up to and found out that they're building stuff around the world including some stuff in Dubai. Howard wondered who is going to Dubai. Trump said that they are selling a lot of stuff over there and it's a great place. He said that there are some very lovely women over there and they're all looking for rich guys.
Howard asked Trump who he's backing for President after Trump had said that Bush is the worst president in the history of this country. Trump said that he likes that McCain is going to try and keep taxes low. Howard talked about how the government is spending money on things that they don't have to. He said that they can't raise taxes, they have to start spending wisely instead.
Trump said that they have to get Bush out of office as quickly as possible because he's doing nothing to help this country. Howard asked Trump what he would do to bring the prices of oil down. Trump said that there are ships floating around all over the world filled with oil yet the prices keep rising. He said that there are many things they could do to get the prices down.
Howard asked Trump why the government can't come to an agreement about this merger thing when they can let Exxon and Mobil merge. Trump said that he wonders the same thing. He said that they should just let the merger go through. He said that it's ridiculous that they won't just let it happen.
Trump said that he doesn't care about the merger himself as long as Howard remains on the air. He said that he would like to see Mel (Karmazin) do well though so he does hope it goes through.
Trump said that he had an idiot come into his office the other day. He said the guy was telling him that he was a great negotiator and a really good negotiator shouldn't be claiming that he is a great negotiator. He said that it's like this country talking about how they're going to go in and attack Iran and giving all of the details of how they're going to do it.
Trump said that the country is a different country than it was 10 years ago and not in a good way. Trump said that he closed on a house the other day for $100 million and he sold it to a Russian guy. He said that it would be nice if an American guy could buy it from him but the dollar is too weak. Trump said that he paid $41 million for that house and put some work into it fixing it up and sold it for $100 million. The guy may rip it down and build a bigger house for all he knows. Howard said that sounds like a good deal for him. Trump said that it's a good deal but not a huge deal.
Howard asked Trump about his wife Melania. Donald wanted to know if he's going to be invited to the wedding. Howard said that he will be invited. Trump said that he would like to be invited but he's not sure if he will actually go.
Howard and Trump also talked about OJ Simpson. Trump said that NBC went nuts when he wanted to put OJ on The Apprentice. Trump said that both OJ and Howard were at his wedding many years ago and Howard told him that the marriage would only last 6 months. It lasted for 4 years.
Trump said that Melania loves Beth and she thinks that it's going to be a very good marriage but he's not so sure himself. He said that marriages just don't work sometimes.
Trump said that he has a friend who has a wife who is cheating on him and he's not sure if he should tell the guy or not. Howard said that he would get mad if he found out that he knew that his wife was cheating and he didn't tell him. Trump said that this friend listens to Howard so he probably knows who he is now.
Howard asked Trump about OJ Simpson again. That led to Trump talking about how he abandoned OJ after he killed his wife. He said that once he realized that the guy killed his wife he kind of disassociated himself from him. Then he put him on The Apprentice. Howard asked him why he did that. Trump said that he doesn't like people who kill their wives. He said that he hasn't spoken to OJ in many years and he refused to say if he spoke to him on The Apprentice.
Trump told the guys that he has had women who like to be beat up but he has refused to touch them. He said that's not his thing. Howard asked Trump if he would have Osama Bin Laden on The Apprentice. Trump said that would be a great way to get him out of hiding. He said he's not sure how they can't catch that guy.
Howard asked Trump about the invasion of Iraq and what he thinks about that. Trump said that we were lied to about that whole thing. Howard cut him off and asked if he would put people like Hitler on The Apprentice. Trump asked him not to ask him questions like that.
Trump talked about how Heather Mills wants to be on The Apprentice. He said that Paul McCartney should have had a pre-nup with her and he wouldn't have lost so much money if he had.
Howard said that they have a lot of celebrities on The Apprentice. Trump said that they had a very successful season with the Celebrity Apprentice. That led to them talking about Piers Morgan and how good he was. Trump talked about how good Trace Adkins was on that show as well.
Trump said that they have over 100 celebrities who want to do the show now but they can't have them all on. He said that they're all coming out of the wood work.
Howard asked Trump if he'd be interested in banging Madonna if he could get her. Trump said that she doesn't do it for him and he doesn't think he'd be able to get it up for her. Howard asked Trump if he's ever had a fat chick. Trump said that he has had women who have gone on to get fat after they've been with him. Trump also said that he is very content to be having sex with Melania and only her. He said that he doesn't think about having sex with anyone but her.
Howard asked Trump if he's ever been with a woman who looks good in clothing and then they take their clothes off and it turns him off. Trump said that he has had women who have had bad breast implants and stuff like that. He said that he knew one woman who had big, beautiful breasts and wanted to have a breast reduction. Robin had that done. Trump said that he's never seen a good breast reduction before. Robin said that some of them can be very bad and the scaring is awful.
Howard asked Trump what he would do if his wife was involved in a terrible accident and her looks were gone. Trump said that he would do what he could for her. He said that he was at an event where an 80 old man fell off his chair and he thought he had died. He turned away because he was disgusted by it. He said that there were some Marines there and they all came running forward, grabbed the guy and helped him out. They ran him out in a human stretcher and ran him outside to help him. Trump said that's not his thing to look at blood so he can't do anything.
Howard asked Trump how much he's having sex with his wife. Trump said that it's a lot. Howard asked him if it's a lot less now that she's had the baby. Trump said that they have a very good relationship in every way. He said that the baby hasn't ruined things for them at all.
Artie asked Trump if he's had a few women in bed at once. Trump said ''Haven't we all?'' He said that he actually likes one love affair at a time. He said he's a romantic. Howard asked Trump if he had sex with Melania when she was pregnant. Trump said that he did.
Howard and Donald talked about the beauty pageants that he runs. They spent a minute on that and then Howard asked Trump if he's upset that his wife has learned to speak English as well as she has. Trump didn't seem to have a problem with that at all. He said that she's great with machines and cars and all of that stuff.
Trump talked about some of the winners of his beauty pageants and stuff and how the women have gone on to become big stars.
Robin said that Fred Norris lives in a Trump building. trump said that Mel Karmazin does as well. Trump said that he was happy to have Fred living in one of his buildings.
Ralph called in and talked about how hot this Miss Venezuela is. That led to Ralph and Trump talking about how hot some of the other women were too in that Miss Universe pageant. Trump said that the show won in the ratings and he's very happy with that.
Howard asked Trump what this Affliction thing is that he's there to promote. Trump said that he loves this Mixed Martial Arts thing. He said that he did a lot of boxing stuff in the past but there are no big stars who are boxing now. He said that the hot thing now is MMA. He said that they have a Pay-Per-View coming up this weekend and the event is sold out already. That led to Howard asking Trump if he ever had fights when he was growing up. Trump said that he used to fight when he was in high school. He got kicked out of school for fighting.
Howard asked Trump if he really thinks that he's capable of loving another human being. Trump said that of course he can. He said he has a deep love for his wife. Trump said it means friendship, respect, you really like being around someone, protecting that person and more.
Trump said that what he hates to see is when a woman dates an old rich guy and then dates someone else as soon as that guy dies. He said that he tells Melania that he'll be looking up at her from his grave if she starts doing that stuff. Trump noticed how much weight Robin lost and told her she looks great.
Irish John called in and asked Trump if he would have fired Piers Morgan if he knew that he was so attracted to his daughter. Trump said that she's got a great guy now and he's not sure what's going to happen there. He didn't say anything about firing Piers though.
Howard told Donald that his daughter is very attractive and looks great in the ads for his casinos and stuff. He asked Trump if he favors her over his son. Trump said that he doesn't favor anyone over anyone else. Howard asked him if he would save his daughter from drowning before saving his son. Trump said he can't answer a question like that, they're all great kids.
Robin asked Trump what it's like being a grandfather. Trump said that he doesn't consider himself a grandfather and he doesn't let anyone call him grandpa.
Howard said that he's looking forward to this Affliction Banned MMA fight. He gave Trump some plugs for that and said that it's airing Saturday night on Pay-Per-View. You can find out more at AfflictionClothing.com
Howard asked Trump what he's doing today. Trump said that he's buying a building in the city today but he can't say what it is. He said that it's a good time to buy real estate so that's what he's doing. He talked about some of the stuff he's got going on around the world and said that he might be worth over $7 billion.
Howard asked Donald if he pees sitting down or standing up. Donald said that it's mostly standing up. Howard also asked him if Melania ever wakes him up with a blow job. Trump changed the subject and told Howard that questions like that have ruined his wife during interviews.
Artie said that he thinks that Trump should name a building the ''Trumpire State Building.'' Trump said that's good because he's run out of names for his buildings.
Howard asked Trump if he has run into Rosie O'Donnell lately. Trump said he hasn't and told some stories about what's gone on since their on air battles.
Artie said that he was on a plane recently and saw Donald's daughter in a magazine. He told Donald that he has worked for him before and he makes a very good living. He was asking if he could ask his daughter out. Donald said that Artie is a very good looking man and then asked if his name was Artie to make sure he didn't get that wrong. He said that his daughter might be interested in him if he asked her out. Howard had to wrap up a short time later.
Howard said that this guy just stopped by this morning and claims he just won $5 million in the NY State Lottery. He's a door man. Howard had the guys bring him in. Artie came walking in and said that he just saw the new Miss Howard TV and he's in love. He said that he almost hates these days because he's so frustrated. He said she's smoking hot and the hottest chick they've ever had up there.
Howard spoke to this door man Richie who won the $5 million. He's still a door man even though he won the lottery. He said he was playing the lottery almost every day. Richie said that he had itchy palms that day and knew that something was going on. He bought the lottery scratch off ticket and ended up taking it home after getting some food to eat. He scratched the ticket off and he saw the number 15 on the ticket, matched it and said he'd be happy if he got his $10 back. Then he saw that the prize was ''life'' which means that it was the jackpot.
Richie said that he gets paid $5,000 a week for life but he gets the check every 3 months. $65,000 every 3 months. They take the taxes out of that though so he gets whacked on that.
Richie said that most people are happy for him that he won. He said that he wants to keep working though. He said that his mother told him that he has to work no matter what so that's why he stays in the job. Richie said that he hasn't had a steady girlfriend in like 20 years either.
Howard told Richie he's doing the right thing by keeping the job. He said that this will be good for his retirement.
Richie said that he hasn't spent much money on himself but he's going to buy his family some stuff. Artie told him to be careful doing that and not to spend it all on cars for family members. Richie said that he's putting the money away and not spending it all. He said that he upgraded the place where he eats to a little nicer spot. He said that he goes to Randazzos in Sheeps Head Bay now. Artie said that he used to eat there and they have some great stuff there.
Howard asked Richie about the tips that the tenants give to him at the building and what is a good tip for Christmas. He said that a $400 tip is pretty good. He said that they range all over the place but that's a good one.
Artie told Richie that he wanted to take him out to Rick's Cabaret one night or something. Richie said that he hasn't even gone out on a date yet. He said that he got a phone number from a chick recently but it turned out to be a fake.
Howard wrapped up with Richie and thanked him for coming in. Richie gave out an e-mail address for women to e-mail him at if they want to date him. You can email him at RagstoRichie15@aol.com.
Richie got the guys some scratch off tickets so Howard scratched his off. He didn't win anything though. He wasn't even sure how to figure out if he won. Richie and Artie had to tell him how to figure it out. They scratched off all 5 of the tickets Richie brought in and there wasn't a winner in the whole group. Robin said she hates scratch offs. Richie said he loves them. Of course he does, he won $5 million.
Artie asked Howard if he won, would he get a house in the Hamptons and a model girlfriend? Howard said that he'd go all out. He also said that his father told him that only suckers buy lottery tickets.
Richie still had his winning ticket and showed that to the guys. He said that he knew instantly when he saw the ticket that he was a winner.
Ralph called in and said that this guy is still a loser because he can't get laid. Artie said that he's going to help get this guy laid. He's going to take him out to Rick's one night and have a good time with him. Howard wrapped up and let Richie go a short time later.
Artie said that he's glad that he had that guy on. He said he read the story about him and he liked the story and that the guy looked like such a New Yorker.
Howard said he bought a lottery ticket once and his father told him what a sucker he was for buying one. Artie said his father was the same way. He said that he never gambled or anything like that. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard played the message where Fred said that he didn't want it broadcast so Howard stopped it. Gary said he didn't even get that, he thought he said that he didn't want him to forget. Howard said that maybe they shouldn't play it then.
Howard said that they do have this Miss Howard TV coming in. He said they could get to her before they call Fred the Elephant Boy. Artie said that the Miss Howard TV is in a pink bikini and she's so nice and not snobby. He said he was out there talking to her and Ronnie got him her number.
Robin let out an ''Oh my god! That's her?'' when she saw her walk in. Artie said that she lives in his town and he's very taken with her. Robin said she looks like a real heart breaker.
Miss Howard TV came in but Howard said he lost the notes about her. He said that he had to find them before they spoke. Her name was Shawn Carla and she's Miss Howard TV for August.
Howard read that Shawn is an opera singer. He asked her to sing for them. He also had her turning around and showing off her tattoos.
Howard read that Shawn didn't lose her virginity until she was 21. She went to a Christian college and started modeling nude when she was going there. She said they didn't find out about that until after she graduated.
Artie said that she's really smart and has a sense of humor. Howard read that she was willing to get naked for them. She said she could show them her boobs. She quickly did that and Howard said that they did a nice job with those. She had them done down in Tampa.
Howard asked Shawn if she ever did any stripping or anything. She said she didn't but she does have a pole in her house that she uses for working out.
Howard asked Shawn about why she was holding on to her virginity for so long. She said that she was saving herself for marriage. She said that she ended up doing a drunken fuck one night when she finally lost it. She told Howard that she has had guys break up with her but the one guy that did that was married so he kind of had to break it off.
Howard read that she's messed around with girls too. Artie was hitting on her and telling her that he was having a party at his place. He said that he wants to show her around Hoboken too since that's where she recently moved to.
Howard asked Shawn about this girl that she messed around with that she's going out with tonight. They're sharing a hotel room tonight so she may get it on with her then. Howard asked how many times she's done her before. She said that it's been a few times. Howard said that it must be quite a sight to see the two of them. Shawn said that the other girl is new at that so she's kind of watched her doing stuff with other people before.
Shawn said that she likes to satisfy guys as much as she can when she's dating them. She told Howard about some of the stuff she does with the girls and said that she's very sexual. Howard said he likes that she's hot and into sex like that.
Howard asked Shawn if the fingers or the tongue are the most important thing on a girl. She said it all depends on what you're doing and who you're with. She said that this other girl she's with hasn't ever gone down on her but she has done it to the girl. Shawn said that she doesn't mind going down on a girl even if she doesn't want to go down on her. She can get herself off if she has to.
Howard said that they have some pictures of this girl up on his web site. He said that her name is Shawn Carla. He saw some pictures of her and thought they were from the Hard Rock hotel but she said that they were actually from her ex-boyfriend's house.
Howard said he didn't see anything wrong with this girl at all. He said that she seems like a really fun girl and she's very nice. He asked her who she dated when she was out in Los Angeles. She said that she went out with Jeremy Piven for a short time. She said that he's actually very good at going down there on her and he's very attentive.
Howard said he got a note from Kevin Connelly from Entourage because that Amber chick was saying that she saw him jumping up and down on his bed in his underwear. Kevin claims that she's full of it and it was the furthest thing from the truth. He wondered if that chick was a crack head or something.
Howard asked Shawn about other guys she's dated. She said that Gene Simmons was really into her and kind of stalked her a little bit. She said that he called her a lot after she did a show for him out in Vegas. She said that she stopped answering the phone for a while but felt kind of bad about that. She said he was a nice guy but he was also kind of a pervert.
Howard found out that she's really into bad boys and that she was supposed to go out with some guy from the VH-1 show ''I Love Money.'' He didn't show up today.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he was going to get a marriage license for Artie if he was really interested in this chick. Artie said that he would do that with no pre-nup because he'll probably be dead in 2 years anyway.
Howard asked Artie if he would really propose to and marry Shawn today. Artie said that's a creepy thing to do. Shawn said that she'd need a rock on her finger first anyway. Artie said he could make that happen no problem. He went on to give a bit of his resume but Howard cut him off and asked Shawn to sing for them.
Shawn did some opera and sang about Howard and what he does on the show. Howard then asked her to ride the Sybian. She agreed to do it but told Howard he had to tell her what to do. Howard gave her some advice and suggested that she tell them what she was feeling while it was going on. She seemed up for it and gave it a try.
Shawn said she was kind of scared of the machine but Howard told her not to be afraid. Gary started her off at a low setting. Howard gave Gary some hand signals when he wanted him to turn it up. Shawn seemed to be liking it. Howard had Gary bump up the power a little bit. Shawn let out a ''Holy shit!'' and asked how fast it went. Howard had Gary turn it up a little more and suggested that Shawn block them all out of her thoughts.
Shawn hung in there with the machine and really seemed to like it. She said ''Holy shit!'' a few times and then got off the machine. She said that she let it happen and she had to get off the machine. She popped out of her top when that was going on too. She said it was too intense to stay on it any longer. She said that if she had control of it she may have been able to stay on it.
Artie said that she'd have to close her eyes and block him out if she was dating him so that was good practice. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later. Shawn said that she's a huge fan of his and she loves that she's there. Mike Gange said that when they told her she was going to be Miss Howard TV, she cried. Howard said he was about to cry too.
Artie said that he'll be doing stand-up on Thursday and Friday at Caroline's so he'd like to invite her to that show. Artie said that he'd give her a call and let her know when to be there. She said she'd go. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that he likes that Fred didn't want Gary to use the clip on the air but Gary didn't even understand that. Gary said that he called Fred and he's calmed down now so he was okay with them playing it on the air.
Elephant Boy went on to explain why he may have smelled bad that day over on the set of the Wack Pack Bowling. He said that he was there all day in a hot bowling alley sweating. Doug Goodstein was the one that Fred was upset with so he came in and said that there were 60 other people under the same conditions that day and they didn't smell like Fred did.
Howard played more of the message that was a little hard to understand. The guys were trying to interpret what he was saying. Doug said that he's not trying to hurt his feelings but he smelled awful and it was the worst smell ever. He said that he was sure that it was Fred too and it wasn't someone else.
Howard played more of the message where Fred ended up getting cut off after his time ran out. Howard said he was trying to be tough but it's not so easy to understand what he's saying. He thanked the guys for coming in and said that Fred is one of his favorites and a hall of famer on the show. Doug apologized but said he was going to send him some deodorant.
Steve said they have 3 sources on that subject and they all say that he is Romeo Blues. Eric told him to name them. He yelled at Steve to name them now or he will beat his Canadian ass. That led to the guys asking him to say ''Redrum'' from The Shining.
Eric said that he is not going to do that movie because they've turned down his movie ideas before. He said that it wouldn't be original and that's what they claimed was the problem with his ideas. Howard asked Eric to repeat some of the lines from The Shining that they played yesterday. He played them again today but Eric wasn't playing along.
Howard asked Eric to please say some of the lines but Eric kept saying ''No!'' over and over. Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man put together a bit that had Eric in the movie. Gary had to find that clip.
Howard asked Eric why he was late to his meet and greet by 2 hours. Eric said it was one hour. Steve asked where he was. Eric said it was none of his business. Steve said they know that he was at a strip club blowing off his fans.
Howard said that's not fair for Eric's fans. He said that he wouldn't want Diana Degarmo doing that to him if he was waiting to meet her. Howard asked Steve about this Romeo Blues thing. Steve said that he has three people who confirm it. Eric was still denying it. Steve said he can confirm it. Eric said that he wants to know who is saying that about him because it's not true.
Howard played the clip from The Shining that Dan the Song Parody Man put together. He took clips of Eric talking and put them into the scene where the little kid is talking to his finger saying ''Redrum, redrum...''
Ralph called in and did his impression of Eric. Eric said that Ralph is a piece of shit and went off on him about what he was doing to Richie the lottery winner earlier. Ralph asked Eric to say ''redrum'' just once and he'd never call in when he's on again. Eric refused until Steve agreed to disclose his sources.
Richard called in as the ''real'' Romeo Blues and said that Eric wasn't really him. Richard did his Texas accent and goofed on him for a short time. Howard said that he believes that Eric is Romeo Blues. Eric said ''No, I'm not.'' Howard asked him to swear on his life that he's not. Eric said that he's gone down that road before and it's not going to happen again. Howard said if he's not Romeo Blues, then he should have no problem doing it.
Eric said that the account was created in May and he just started going back recently. Eric said that he didn't create that name and he doesn't need to go there under a fake name. The guy who posts under that name sent him the posts and the creation date of the name.
Howard asked Eric to swear on the life of his mother but when he refused Howard assumed that he was lying about it. Gary came in and told Howard that all of the posts by this person are in support of Eric and gave him a shot of one of his posts. It was written exactly like Eric would write it.
Eric said that what he did was e-mail his response to people and the guy would post them for him. He doesn't go on under there himself. Artie asked Fred what the chances are that Eric isn't Romeo Blues. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' audio clip. Artie started laughing his ass off and saying that he loves that. He told Eric he's a tiny piece of shit and laughed his ass off.
Howard thanked Eric for calling in and gave him a ''bye for now.'' Eric said that Steve is an unreliable piece of shit.
Steve got back to his news preview and read through some stuff about Big Foot not being in a good way. He also has a story about Riley Martin making threats toward people there at SIRIUS but claiming that things will not be good if he gets screwed over.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of stuff they were going to try and cover today. Howard then had Robin start her news.
Howard took a call from a guy who said there was a rumor that Jimmy may have been banging one of his staff members. Howard said he heard from people that it wasn't true. He mentioned Sarah Silverman's name in that discussion and it sounds like she may have been the source denying those rumors.
Howard and the guys spent a short time talking about the new Batman and how great Christian Bale is in some of the other parts he's played. Howard said that he has to move the news along because he has to do a 2 hour interview today for their next special.
Robin read through some more stories about the lead singer of Barenaked Ladies getting arrested for coke possession, Jay Leno leaving NBC possibly for ABC and more. The guys spent some time talking about Jay Leno's possible moves and what might happen when he goes. The guys wondered if Jay will take Stuttering John with him if he moves to another network. Howard said he's not sure about that. He said that Jay is a weasel so he might just leave him behind.
Howard said that Jay might just hire High Pitch Eric to take John's job. Artie suggested having Jeff the Drunk take that announcer role and did an impression of him introducing Jay and coughing half way through it. That led to Fred playing Henry Hill's cough from the last time he was on the show. Artie said that gets him every time. He asked what the fuck is going on with Henry after hearing that a few times.
Artie said he was talking to his mother about decorating his shore house and told her to keep in mind that in about 6 years it was going to be owned by a Puerto Rican stripper. He said his mother didn't even smile and said ''Over my dead body.''
Robin read a story about this child star, Brian Bonsall, who got into some trouble recently and apparently can't clean up his act. Robin read through some other various stories and one of them led to Artie telling a story about Charles Manson and Sharon Tate. He told the story about Manson getting pissed at some people who turned his music down and he sent some people out to kill the people and they ended up killing Sharon Tate instead.
Robin read some news about a guy who was in charge of a mobile killing truck that was used in World War II. The guy is still alive and was caught in the U.S. recently. That led to the guys having some fun goofing on the idea of a mobile killing truck being like an ice cream truck. They goofed around with that idea for a few minutes.
Robin had a story about a gang that beat up a guy and ended up apologizing to him when they realized they beat up the wrong guy. She had a story about Barack Obama talking about getting the troops out of Iraq. She also had John McCain claiming that he knows how to win wars. The guys pointed out that he was in Vietnam which is a war that wasn't won. Robin had some audio of President Bush talking about the failures of the democratic party that have caused economic problems in this country. He also acknowledged that we're going through some tough times right now.
Robin read some news about Senator Arlen Spector going through more cancer treatments after a relapse. She had some news about a San Antonio TV station that was evacuated after a promotional cake for the new Batman movie caused a bomb scare. She had a story about Heidi Klum's TV show and how it's coming back for another season. She had some clips from her talking about the show and some news about the new Batman movie, Sheryl Crowe talking about cancer and more. She had some news about Megan Fox having to gain 10 pounds for the new movie she's in. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later, around 10:45am.
Gary said that Artie didn't want to talk about it today but then he ended up doing it anyway. He said he could tell that he was getting pissed off as it was going on. Gary said that he tried to tell Howard that Artie didn't want to talk about it but Howard couldn't seem to see that.
Gary said that Artie made it very clear that he didn't want to talk about it but then he talked about it a little bit and stopped, and then started talking about it again. Jon said that you can't just reveal a little bit on the air. It's eventually going to come out on the air no matter what you do.
Jon went to the phones and one guy said that he's getting really annoyed with Artie coming on to all of these chicks that come into the studio. He said that it's with every chick that comes in now. Jon said that Artie does talk about how into them he is.
Gary said that Shawn's Sybian ride today was one of the best ever. He said that she went right to the top of his list for those rides today.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if they think Artie is going to take that chick to his comedy show this week. The guys said they think that Artie will take her to the show. Benjy said that she's living around the block from Artie now so of course he's going to be interested in her.
The caller asked why it is that Howard and Robin seem to expect everyone else to have parties that are as elaborate as their parties are. Gary said that it's not that they want them elaborate and expensive, just a party where they have stuff for the guests. Gary said that he tries to make people feel comfortable when he has parties and he'll buy special drinks and stuff for his guests if he knows what they like. It's that kind of thing that you have to do when you have a party.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he doesn't get Artie talking about all of these chicks that he's fucking and then saying he wants to get Dana back. Gary said that he doesn't get that either but that's the whole thing with Artie and that's what he struggles with.
The caller wondered what Artie's real plan is. Gary said that he's not sure Artie has a plan. That's the problem.
Jon played a clip of Artie and Gary talking about that stuff earlier this morning. Benjy said that he thinks that Howard and Robin might be upset that Artie didn't go to them for advice. They seemed to be shocked that Artie didn't go to them.
Another caller said that he was hoping to hear the Baba Booey song parody contest thing and they just went on with that Artie stuff and beat a dead horse with that. The guy said that it's all about Artie these days and they had a great bit going on before they got into that. Gary said that Howard would just say that the stuff will be there tomorrow and they'll get to it eventually.
Jon brought up the song parody that Sal had submitted to him with the N-word in it. Gary said that he and Sal had a conversation about the song and Sal was saying that it wasn't all that funny. Sal said that if he could make them laugh then his song would be funny.
Sal came in and said that Gary kind of twisted around the whole reason he made that song but that's fine. Gary said that Sal worked hard at picking some of the songs for the parody contest and he was upset that some of the songs he picked didn't make it into the finals. Sal said that's not why he got upset. He said that he was busy doing some other stuff.
Gary said that Sal went to Jason and complained that the songs he picked weren't in the final 30 that they picked. Sal said that he went to Jason and asked him where his picks were and Jason said he had to filter them again.
Jason came in and said that Sal was horrible at picking the songs for the finals. He said that everyone had to go through the song parodies and picked some that were worth a second listen. He said that he listened to the songs that Sal picked and they were awful.
Sal went off on Jason and said that he was a fat, lazy, sack of shit and he was too lazy to listen to what he had picked. Jason shot back at him and said that he was only at work 3 days of their 2 week vacation when he wasn't shooting a TV show.
Gary said that he told Jason to spread the CDs out to everyone to listen to so that wasn't his fault. Sal said that he got 15-20 a day to listen to and he probably gave Jason back about 15 but he wasn't sure exactly how many there were.
Sal asked why they give him songs to filter through if someone else is going to filter through the stuff he picks and doesn't pick it all. Sal said he's not sure why he's filtering through stuff if Jason is going to filter through his picks. Gary said that they're all filtering through stuff and it all gets filtered through even more by other people.
Gary asked Sal what he's so upset about. Sal claimed that he wasn't upset about this at all. He claimed he wasn't but it sure sounded like he was upset. Sal said that there is no problem but then he said the problem is that no one let him in on the whole filtering process. So there was a problem.
Sal said that he didn't know what the process was and he would prefer if Jason wasn't the end of the line for the songs. Jason said that he thinks that Sal is upset with him filtering through his picks. Sal said he'd prefer that 5 people go through his stuff instead of just 1. He said that's his only issue. Sal said they should have 5 guys reviewing round 2 instead of just the one.
The guys talked about the songs that they all picked and how some of them were upset that some of their picks didn't make it to the final round.
Sal said that Jason and Gary put their spin on the whole thing and he's going to leave it at that. Jon wanted him to give it his spin but Sal said he had already done that and he didn't want to waste air time anymore. Jon told him he definitely wasn't wasting air time.
Jon wanted Sal to defend himself on this stuff and on his song parody. Sal said that he made a complete goof with the N-word in it and he was making fun of himself in that song parody with the N-word in it.
Artie came in and said that this was hilarious because he came in and heard Sal digging a huge hole for himself. Sal said that Robin was right saying that he was spoofing on the whole song parody contest. Sal said that he wrote the song as ''Al Jovinelli'' which is a fake name he made up for the contest. It was just a goof he was doing.
Sal said that this constant goofing is like rape for him. He said it gets a little easier the more it happens. Sal said that maybe some people who listen to the show got a little giggle out of his song and what went on with it today.
Benjy asked if Sal had made a parody of himself that's a person who is supposed to be racist. Sal said that's basically it. He asked Sal if he would have submitted a song like that if he wasn't working for the show. Sal said he wouldn't. He said that he was making fun of a submission that someone else sent in. Sal said that he explained that to Gary but, like everything else, it went right over his head. '
Jason said that Sal never claimed that this was a character that he had submitted the song under. Sal said that he had an idea in his head and he didn't follow through on that.
Ralph called in and said that Sal is making up jokes that no one else is in on. He said that Sal is also upset that Jason is going over his head and rejecting songs that he liked. Sal said that he thinks that it should have been judged by more people.
Sal said that Jason is good at typing but maybe not so good at picking song parodies. The guys were all throwing jokes out about Sal's wife cheating on him so Sal asked if that's the joke of the day or something. They told him it was.
Sal claimed that he doesn't have an ego but Artie goofed on him and said that he does. He went on to say that this song that he made is indefensible and he can't blame it on some other person like ''Al Jovinelli.'' Jason also said that he never claimed it was a goof so that's crazy to claim too.
Sal said that the song was funny and both Howard and Robin were laughing at it. The guys told Sal that they were laughing at him, not at the song. Sal said that's fine as long as they were laughing.
Artie said that he and Gary had a nice conversation on their trip and it was good talking about a deep subject. He said he blew it with Dana and he's dating a couple of chicks now so he's trying to figure out what his next move should be.
The woman said that she hopes that Artie and Dana can work things out. Artie thanked her for that. He said that people seem to get to know you really well on this show and a lot of women want him to get back with her. He said that he'd like to get back with her but it's just not happening right now. He said that he can't just ignore the hot chicks that come on the show either. He said that's his job and he'd get fired if he wasn't like that.
Jon and Gary asked Artie how he could talk about Dana the way he was but then hit on Miss Howard TV the way he did. Artie said that he didn't want to talk about that Dana thing on the show today and it was dragged out of him. He said that he's human and he would like to go out with some women even if he's not with Dana right now.
Jon took another call from a guy who was trying to ask a question but his phone was cutting out and sounding like crap. No one was sure what he was asking so they moved on.
Another caller said he thinks he knows who Benjy was going out with. He said it was Melissa Rivers' daughter. Benjy said that it wasn't her but it was as good as that. Jon said that he had to go to break but Artie had a couple of guys in there that were on a military flight with them when they went over to do the USO tour. Artie introduced those guys before they went to break. He said the guy's name was Justin and he's one of the heroes protecting them over there. He let him say a few words about them going over to entertain the troops. They spent a couple of minutes talking to Justin before they went to break.
Jon went to the phones and a guy said that they have a loyal following there but the guys have to stop bragging about how wealthy they are. He said Artie does that too often on Howard's show. He said that he does pretty well for himself but he doesn't brag in front of people how good he's doing because it's such a turn off.
The caller said that Artie is always talking about money and his apartment. He said that Robin does the same thing. Jon asked the guy if he thinks that Fred and Benjy do that too. The guy said that Benjy and Fred don't do that. Neither does Doug.
Gary said that Artie does as a character on the show and he throws it out as a joke. He's not really bragging about his stuff like that. Gary was also saying that Robin doesn't really bring it up to rub it in people's faces either. The guys had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show saying he was feeling a little tired after a 5 mile run yesterday. He said that it was very hot and he saw Robin walking with her trainer. Robin said that was the first time she was back in the park after her trainer hurt himself. Robin said that she hadn't run for months because she doesn't like to run in the park by herself. She said that there was a woman raped in the park years ago and she doesn't like going there by herself.
Howard said that woman was killed at night. Robin said it was early in the morning and she roller bladed right by the yellow tape back then. She said that it freaked her out and she won't go by herself now. Howard said he doesn't buy that. Robin said he can buy what he wants, she's not running by herself. Howard said he'd go with her then.
Robin said that Howard yelled at her but he wasn't running all that fast either. Howard said it was very hot so they were taking it kind of easy. It was 90 degrees and humid. Artie said that it was very humid. The guys over in Afghanistan were jogging in even worse heat over there.
Howard said that the movie was really great and it hit the spot. He said that he really wanted to be The Joker after seeing that. Robin said it pissed her off because there won't be any more of the joker now that Heath Ledger is dead. Howard said that he's going to be the James Dean of this generation.
Howard said that Heath didn't do a lot of movies but the ones he did are going to be classics. He said that he played the part of The Joker really well and didn't screw anything up.
Howard said that the movie was really, really good. Robin said that her only problem was with Maggie Gyllenhaal. Howard agreed and said that she was kind of sexless. He said that Katie Holmes was supposed to play her part but she had to back out, maybe because Tom Cruise was jealous. He said that they got Maggie Gyllenhaal to play the love interest and it just doesn't work. He said that she might be a good actress but she doesn't have the physical beauty that one would expect for that part.
Artie said that Maggie has been in some movies where they talk about how great she is but he doesn't see it. Howard said that would be like him playing the part of a leading man that's supposed to be good looking. It just isn't believable.
Artie said that his sister got all of the looks in his family and that's the way it should be. Howard said that a lot of chicks think that Artie is handsome. Artie said that he thinks that's Howard saying that and not so much the chicks. Howard said that he's heard that from more than one woman. Artie said that Jake Gyllenhaal seems to be a sex symbol but his sister just doesn't get that. He said that's just not right.
Howard brought up Donald Trump with Artie and that led to Artie saying that he has a weird relationship with him after he did the roast for him. He said that Trump didn't like a joke he did about him when he did it live in there. He said that he pissed the guy off that time but he was very nice to him yesterday. He said that he doesn't want to screw things up by telling more of the jokes he did during the roast.
Howard said that they had a lot to get to but he had to talk about the Batman movie. He said that they were lucky enough to see it at the Imax theater and it was really interesting. He said you feel like you're looking down on the city when they show a shot from the top of a building.
Howard said that the guy at the theater was telling him that they had like 700 people waiting to see the movie that night because they had pre-sold so many tickets. He said that it's going to be tough to get in to see the movie.
Howard sang some of their stuff. Melrose said that he saw some other people like Eric Burton and The Animals, Jack Bruce and Melanie. He told Howard some of the songs that they were performing and said that he got to meet Eric Burton. Melrose said that Eric loves the show. Howard said that he was a big fan of The Animals. He sang some of their stuff while he was talking about that.
Melrose said that Flo had nothing but nice things to say about Howard. Howard said that he thinks they had a hit song as Flo and Eddie, not even as The Turtles. He didn't have a name for the song he was thinking of though.
Howard talked about how some of these bands make a living on just one hit song. He talked about them and about Norman Greenbaum with his one hit song. He said that Flo and Eddie might be rich from writing their songs. Melrose said that they own their masters and all of their songs so they might be doing well.
Melrose told Howard that he loves him. He said that Howard once told him that ''less is more'' so Howard said that's definitely right with him.
Artie told Melrose that he was invited to Howard's wedding but Howard cut him off saying that he couldn't let him carry on with that lie because Melrose might show up.
Melrose said that he met one of Howard's friends from camp, Lori. Howard knew the woman he was talking about and talked about how hot she was back when she was 16. He said he thinks he was like 14 or 15 at the time. Melrose said she was telling him about a lot of the other people they were at camp with. Howard didn't know those people that he rattled off though.
Melrose said that Lori doesn't look so good now. He said that she looks like Bela Abzug. Howard said that this girl couldn't possibly look like that. Melrose said that she was a camp counselor so Howard said that he must be talking about another chick.
Artie said that he went to a big high school and he had about 800 kids in his class. There were about 25 really hot chicks. He said that he thought about how they're all 40 now and how they can't be hot anymore. Howard let Melrose go a short time later.
Robin said that he had gusts like Tony Bennet, Don Henley, John Mayer and John Mellencamp come out and perform songs with him. Robin said that Mellencamp sang Pink Houses in the concert. Howard said that Billy asked him to do something with him in the concert but he told Billy that he doesn't sing. He said that he did think about doing something with The Losers though. He said they could have farted out a song or something but he didn't want to go up on stage with zero talent in front of all of those people at Shea Stadium.
Artie said that he's going to see a concert at the Borgata. The Eagles are playing down there. He said it's in a pretty small room and he can't wait to see that.
Howard and the guys talked about The Eagles and how they kicked a guy out of the band years ago. Gary had some details about that from a book he read. The guy, Don Felder, wrote Hotel California and he still got kicked out of the band. Howard said he wouldn't throw that guy out of the band if he wrote that song. Artie said that Gary was reading the book on the flight over to Afghanistan and he just wanted to read it. Gary said that he had like 40 pages left in the book and Artie kept asking to see it. Artie said that Gary wears reading glasses now and he's not the same guy he remembers from years ago.
He said that Langford found out that Eric was going on SFN as this character Romeo Blues and posting stuff. Fred was playing the ''Zero point zero'' clips as Eric was talking and also playing the ''Redrum'' clips.
Howard said that the Romeo Blues name is the funniest thing ever. Fred said that Lenny Kravitz used that name when he recorded years ago. Eric said that he didn't come up with the name, he borrowed it from someone else. Howard said that's funny either way.
Howard said that it's great that Eric's biggest defender was actually Eric. He said that Eric is going in and defending himself from other people bad mouthing him. Eric said that he found out that there wasn't 3 sources on the story either. He said it was one fat one, Mutt. He said that he's big enough to be 3 people though. Robin stole his joke a few seconds later and said the same thing about Mutt.
Howard said he got some mail about Eric so he read through some of that. One guy asked if Eric has something against Canadians because he bad mouths Steve about that when he calls in. Eric said that he'd do that to anyone he's attacking like that. He said that Steve is from Canada so that's why he goes after him like that. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Howard played some of the audio of Sal and Jason arguing during the Wrap Up Show about the song parody contest. Sal can't accept that Jason filtered out the songs that he picked to get a second listen. Howard said that someone has to make the call in that filtering process and Sal couldn't accept that. Sal ended up calling Jason a fat and lazy person and really went off on him. Jason went off on him too.
Howard asked what part of the concept is it that Sal doesn't get. Gary said that it's all of it. Howard said that he really is lacking in intelligence. Gary said that Sal kept saying that he didn't understand it but even after they explained it he still didn't get it. Howard said that Sal is insane, just like the Joker in Batman.
Howard said that Sal said something about how he had to ''dwell down'' the song parodies that he was listening to. No one was sure what he was going for there. They figured it might be ''dwindle down'' or something but even that wasn't right.
Howard played more of Sal and Jason's fight where Sal said the ''dwelled down'' comment. Howard goofed on him about that for a short time.
Gary said that he asked Sal if he thought that any of those songs should still be in the contest after all of this and he said no.
Howard said that Sal went back and created this song parody about Gary that used the N-word and was very offensive. He played the song and then played Sal's explanation for what that song was supposed to be. Sal tried explaining it to the guys but no one seemed to get what the hell he was going for. Sal claimed he did it as a character but Jason said that he never said that to them.
Howard and the guys talked about how insane Sal is for doing that song and trying to explain it away the way he did. Artie said that a person could get fired for making a song like that at nay other job.
Howard said that they have about 30 to go through and they have to pick 5. He played the other songs that he started to play yesterday. He played another new one which was ''Blues Brothers Booey.'' He played the Booey Nutcracker which the guys seemed to like too. Robin liked that one after it played for a few seconds. Artie didn't love it but Howard said he was a fan.
Howard played ''Booey Pigs'' to War Pigs. They liked that one. Howard played the next one which was ''Born to Booey'' to the tune of Born to Run. They seemed to like that one.
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said that Howard created the Blues Brothers song parody himself about 6 months ago. Howard said that he liked this guy's delivery though so that's why they liked it. Howard said that Dan has done his song parodies to every song in the world.
Howard played ''Brush Those Incisors'' next to the tune of ''Keep On Rockin In The Free World.'' Howard said he liked it at first but it kind of fell apart. He played ''Kamina Booey'' or something like that. The guys got a laugh out of that one. Howard said he liked that one. Howard said that he thinks about yelling at Gary and hearing those songs playing while he's doing that. He said that's how he evaluates these songs.
Howard played ''Crash Test Booey'' next. That one got a few laughs as well. Howard said that was a pretty good one. Robin said she was hanging with it. Artie said he got hooked too. Howard said that was a very nice one.
Next up was ''Doe Ray Booey'' which Howard said was good. Howard said that he likes too many of these songs. Robin said that is a problem with her too. She said that she was having trouble ''dwelling'' down the list. Howard said that they've gone through 11 already and he has 3 favorites already. Artie had a couple that he really liked too. They had to go through 19 more before they picked 5 finalists. Howard said they had to dwell down to 5.
Howard played another one which was ''Eleanor Booey'' after saying that Beck's Beer is the sponsor of this contest. The guys liked the Eleanor Booey song as well. Howard was laughing pretty hard during that one. Fred wasn't into it but Howard said it made him laugh. Fred said that he couldn't wait for it to be over.
Howard played ''Everbooey'' which was to the tune of the Foo Fighters Everlong. Fred said that one kind of fell apart. Howard agreed with that. He said it started out okay though. Next up was ''Falling In Love with Booey'' to the tune of the Anne Murray song that Artie sings on the show. The guys said that was well produced and had some good lines in it. Artie gave that one a yes.
Howard had ''Fuck You Baba Booey'' to the tune of Rock Me Amadeus. Robin laughed at that one right away. They liked that one as well. Howard played ''Gary Baby'' which they thought was another good one. Howard said that everyone did a really good job with these songs.
Gary said that he misses the days of people just singing over records. Howard played ''Goin Up the Booey'' which got some laughs from the start but Howard wasn't sure about that one.
Next up was ''Grab My Cock'' from Ham Hands Bill. He did something similar to what he did with the song parody about Robin and her Dad. The guys were all laughing at that one. He was telling a whole story about Gary and his Dad and why Gary's breath smells like shit. Robin was laughing really hard at that one while Bill was singing a song about Gary's dad whacking him off to the tune of ''Take Me Out To the Ball Game.'' Bill didn't use any music in his song though, he just sang it a cappella. Howard didn't know what he was talking about at one point. Artie said that he thinks they have a winner.
Howard played ''Hello Howard'' next. The guys were laughing at that one in the beginning. It was a pretty long one with a whole story. Howard said that the guy was pretty good and he never ran out of material. Gary said that none of them did. Howard had to break but he still had 18 more songs to get to. He said he'd get to them after the break.
Artie came in with his energy food that was probably going to make him crash in a half hour. Artie said that he's got this charity show to do tonight and they're completely sold out. He said that they're going to be able to give the couple more than they needed by doing this benefit show. He said that they should be taken care of completely. The benefit is for the teacher who lost her job after appearing on the show with her husband.
Howard said that Artie looked really tired today. He asked why he didn't come to the movie yesterday. Artie said that he was working on his book last night so that's why he wasn't able to make it.
Howard said that Artie got up last night to take a leak at about 3:45 in the morning. He sat down to pee because he was so tired. He fell asleep and woke up at 5:31 this morning, on the toilet. Artie said that his foot fell asleep on the one side. He said that he got up and realized that it was daylight out. He got up and ended up falling because his foot was asleep. He showered quickly and got to work. Howard wondered why he needs a bed if he can sleep on the toilet. Artie said that he can't sleep sitting up all the time, that was a fluke thing.
Howard said that Richard Simmons is calling in this morning and he's pretty sure he's 60 years old now. Robin wondered how old Billy Joel is. Howard said he thinks he's in his late 50s. They weren't sure about that but Robin said that Billy looks old. Howard said that he's close to 60 so of course he does.
Howard said that he went out with Beth one night and he didn't cover his face enough with his hair because he wasn't paying attention to it. He said that he had his picture taken and he looks hideous. He said that his neck is starting to look really old in pictures and he can't stand how bad he looks. He said that if he could get a head transplant, he'd do it. He said that he'd even let his brain go if he had to. Howard said that his body is pretty good for what it is. He said that he ran 5 miles yesterday. He said that he still looks bizarre in a swim suit.
Artie said that there are guys his age that look like death. He doesn't look that bad. Howard said that he's lucky he still has the dark hair and he doesn't even have to dye it. Artie said that he is lucky that way. Howard said that he's lucky he has his hair but he knows a guy who thank god for his feet. Howard said he thanks god for his hair.
Howard said that peter Frampton used to have great hair but now he looks like he hit a tree head on or like Two Face from Batman. Howard said that when he does start to go grey, he's going to dye it because grey curly hair makes guys look like shitheads.
Howard said that he will get the tin foil wrapped around his head and all of that if he goes grey. He said that he thinks that Steven Tyler from Aerosmith gets his hair dyed. Robin said that's not possible because his hair is too dark. Howard said that's not true and he's got to be doing something to it. Artie said he's never thought about Steven Tyler's hair before.
Howard said that he has that hair and he has something to work with so he's not going to give it up. He said that he'll let them know when he starts coloring it. Artie said he had to have an intervention with Bob Levy about his hair. He was dying that jet black and it looked wrong.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who asked if they know that his hair is dyed black. Howard said he didn't know that. Dominic said that he has 2/3 grey hair and he gets it dyed. Howard said he may go to the place where Dominic goes if he has to. Dominic said that he goes to a hair salon and hangs out with the women. Dominic said that he just got laminates on his teeth too. Howard told him that they're too white and he has to tone them down. He said that they're like rock star teeth. Howard said that when you get older your teeth can't possibly be that white.
Howard said that he saw Richard's grey hair and he got kind of sad seeing that. Richard told him not to get sad, he's going to keep doing this into his 70s, 80s and 90s.
Howard said he's not going to call Richard by that name anymore. He said he's going to call him Milton because his real name is Milton Teagle. Howard said that he's been living a lie all these years. Artie said he thought he was living a lie but not that one.
Richard thanked Howard for letting him come in and plug his web site the last time he was on. He said he just got a congressional hearing. He's doing that on July 24th. Richard said he will talk about the questionnaires that he had on his web site and talk about exercise in school. He said he's trying to get that back into public schools because they've cut back on it.
Howard said he hated gym class. Richard said that he was obese and had asthma when he was younger so he didn't exercise. Richard said that he's going to wear a suit to the hearing, not his shorts.
Howard asked Richard why he chose the name Richard if his name was Milton. Richard didn't answer that and said that he'd like people to come out to Washington DC to this hearing to see what goes on. He said he's trying to get better P.E. back in schools and he wants to keep kids moving. Howard said that this is why he likes Richard Simmons. He said that he is right about this stuff and they do have to get the kids moving.
Howard said that they also have to stop humiliating kids in gym class. Richard said that they only played baseball and football in his gym class. Artie said that didn't sound so bad to him. Howard said that they ridicule kids who aren't good at sports like that and that's what has to stop. Artie said he didn't see that in his class but maybe that's because he was good at sports.
Howard asked Richard if he ever got beaten up in school. Richard said that he didn't want to talk about it and he wasn't sure he could when Howard said he had to. Howard said they have to hear about this stuff to let people know how bad things can be. Richard said that things like that can really leave a mark on your mind.
Richard said there was a kid who hit him in the head with a baseball bat until he'd fall to the ground. Howard said that could have killed him. Richard said that he has a tough head and it was happening when he was in 6th and 7th grade. Richard said that there are a lot of people who are like him who had the same problems.
Richard said that he did stand up to that kid one day and he told him that he was hurting him and he never hurt him. He said that the kids all applauded him and the kid never did it again.
Howard told Richard that he's not inviting him to his wedding. He said that he's not even friendly with him anymore. Howard said that he doesn't have a relationship with him or with Beth. Howard said that they don't even hang out. Richard said that they never did. Howard said they did many years ago.
Howard asked Richard if he's single. Richard said that he is but he's very happy. Howard said that he's got to be lonely. Richard said that he keeps busy and he's fine. Howard said he heard that Richard will get on the phone to his dogs and talk to them and that's very sad.
Richard kept plugging the congressional hearing thing and ignored Howard's comments. He didn't know why they were picking on him at 4 o'clock in the morning. Howard asked Richard if it's true that he calls his dogs. Richard asked Robin to please help him out of that. Then he started to talk to the dogs like he does when he calls them.
Howard asked Richard more questions about his dogs and his assistant but Richard said he can't take it anymore and he had to get off the phone. Richard said that he's on such a high but this is painful for him. Richard said that he's making him very sad and he can't take it. He started to cry and said that he has to go.
Howard gave Richard a plug for his web site RichardSimmons.com and tried to ask him some more questions. Richard said he had to go. Howard asked him about the dogs and if he thinks that the dogs don't even hear him. Richard just hung up a short time later. Robin said that he's predictable and he does this every phone call.
Howard said he was thinking that if he was working for a guy who talks to his dogs, he wouldn't even put the phone up to the dogs ears. He said that he'd just put the phone on the table.
Howard said that Richard isn't ''fresh lettuce'' anymore and it has to be tough for him to find someone to be with. He said that he thinks that he's really single and he doesn't have anyone else. He wouldn't be able to hide it if he did have someone in his life. Artie said he thinks that Richard was ''on top'' when he was 35 and now that he's 60 he's probably ''on bottom.'' Howard said that he can't believe the guy is 60 now. Howard said that Richard is doing great things trying to get kids up and moving around. If they don't do that, they could end up looking like Benjy. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard wanted to talk to Ronnie about it but when Gary tried to get him, he didn't want to come in. Ronnie eventually came in but he was pissed at JD. He said that JD was the one saying that he stopped dying his goatee. He said he's wrong about that. Ronnie said that he used too much dye on it last time and it's just growing out.
Ronnie told JD to get out of there when he came in. Howard told Ronnie that he has some brown on one spot and it looks like he spilled something on it. Ronnie said that they made something in the hall where he's standing up and it looks really fake.
Howard said that Ronnie has to either dye it all or nothing at all. He said it looks like a mess right now. Ronnie said that he can't go all white because it will look ridiculous. They told him that it looks white now though. Ronnie said that it's not all white though.
Howard showed Ronnie a shot of his beard and how it looked like he spilled pudding on it. Ronnie said that it's all mixed in so that's not true.
Howard asked Ronnie about the turtle necks. Ronnie said he got sick of them so he changed it. He said that the will still wear them sometimes. Howard told him to work on that goatee and told him to go back and stand in the hall.
Howard said that Ronnie will probably never go back to the turtle neck. Artie said that maybe a girl said something to him and that's why he changed. Howard said that he has to work on that beard but it's a good idea to color it. He said that it looks really grey except for that one stained spot. Artie said he's got tons of grey in his beard too but he'd never get it dyed. Howard said that Ronnie's beard looks like he just ate out a woman who was menstruating.
Howard said that this baseball announcer down in Tampa Bay is the one who worked that into the game. Howard played the clip where the guy worked it in while doing the commentary for a game. His co-host didn't seem to have a clue what he was talking about. Artie said that baseball is a tough thing to call because there are so many breaks and so much time to fill.
Howard let Bill go and played the next song which was ''Hey Baba Booey.'' They didn't seem to be into that one. Howard played ''I Feel Booey'' next and then ''Jungle Booey'' to the tune of Jungle Boogey. The guys didn't seem to be into those songs as much as some of the earlier songs.
Howard played ''King of Booey'' and kind of liked that. Robin was on the fence about that one. She said it was cute and clever but Gary said it was neither. Next up was ''Law of Booey'' to the tune of the Law and Order theme song. Some of the guys liked it but Robin wasn't into it.
Howard played ''Love Those Tusks'' and ''Mario Booey'' to the tune of the Mario Brothers theme song. Howard played another one which was ''Baba Booey's Breath'' to the tune of ''Ain't Seen Nothing Yet.'' Howard said he liked that one because Gary's breath was bad on Tuesday. He said he didn't want to say anything but it was bad. Gary said that he interacts with hundreds of people a day and he never gets that from anyone else. Howard said that he can't be the only one who notices.
Gary said that no one else says anything to him so it can't be that bad. He said his wife would say something to him if it was bad. Artie said that it's like living next to the shit pond and in this example, Gary is the shit pond. He said that he never smelled anything on Gary on the USO trip.
Howard asked Gary to breathe on Artie to see if he smells anything. Artie said that he really smells nothing on him. Gary said that he can't wait to find out that Howard has a chunk of shit on his shoe or something. Artie said that it's been on there for two months if that's the case. They said that maybe Gary has some kind of shit smell activator in him or something.
Howard played ''Sex and the Booey'' which was to the theme for Sex and the City. He played ''Teeth Like a Walrus'' next. Gary said that one is an epic. Howard let that play through a bit.
Howard played ''That's a Booey'' which was done by the Tapes team but they know that they can't win. Artie actually sings in this one. Artie said that he was asked to do the song for them. They put a lot of work into that one. It was to the tune of ''That's Amore.'' Howard said that was very nice. Gary told Artie that was a good read on his part. Artie said that he didn't write any of it, he just performed it for them.
Howard had ''Tiny Tim Booey'' which was a Tiny Tim like parody of ''Tip Toe Through the Tulips.'' He played ''Walks Like a Monkey'' next. The guys got some laughs out of that one. Howard played ''What a Booey Believes'' next. Howard said he had 3 more. The next one was ''Wild Booey'' and then ''You Say Booey.'' He said that the final one which he didn't have a name for. It was to the tune of Pachabel's Cannon. Gary said that it was Pachabel's Booey.
Howard asked the guys to pick their final 5 finalists. Howard said that they had to thank Beck's Beer for sponsoring the contest. Artie said that he had a friend who was going to try and pull off a parody with the song that Gary cries to. He said that it may have been too slow to deal with.
Howard said that he had a guy on the phone, Vaughn, who claims to have Tourette's and would be good on the show. Howard got him on and asked if he really has it. Vaughn said he's had it since he was like 3 years old. He said that he can communicate now but he does a lot of stuff. He said that he has movements, ticks and tons of sounds.
Will came in and said that he talked to the guy for 10 minutes the other day and he never heard a sound or anything. Howard said that he might think he's good for the show but he's not doing anything. Vaughn said that they'd have to get to know him and see him. Howard said they don't have time to do that. He thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard said that they're going to have to get down their top songs and they'll have to pick 5 from those. Howard had 8 that were his favorites. They weren't very organized for picking the final 5 so they were just making it up as they went along. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Don's story is pretty amazing actually. He said he can't wait to hear about it. Don said that he was doing a radio interview up in Calgary recently and the guy, Dave Rutherford, up there told him to let Howard know that he's definitely the king of satellite radio. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard said he remembers Don telling Joe Walsh something at a concert one time that made him crack up. Don said that they used to do drugs back then and if they had a little crystal on your nose you'd say ''you're showing'' and that's what he did to Joe during that taping that time.
Howard said that Don was a guy who was brought into the Eagles to rock things up a little bit. They were kind of country and they were looking to do more rock stuff. Don said that they were kind of country oriented and that's exactly why they brought him in. He said that they were very calculated in that way. Howard said it was brilliant on their part to do something like that. They were trying to be more acceptable to the rock fans out there.
Howard asked Don why it was him. Don said that they had this guy in the band who was a brilliant guitar player and his name was Bernie. He said that he used to play with him at some places once in a while and that led to him seeing him playing with The Eagles. Bernie called him to move out to L.A. so he could get some work out there. He took his advice and moved out there. He said he got a couple of jobs working for Crosby and Nash. He said that Steven Stills was in his band when they were still kids. He met him when he was only 14 years old. Howard said that he wanted to know where he lived because he had no one like that around him.
Don said that he grew up in Gainesville, Florida and actually taught Tom Petty how to play guitar. Tom took lessons from him. Don said that he wasn't a great guitar player but he had a great presence on stage. Don said that he was charging like $3 an hour to teach guitar back then.
Don said that he has been very blessed to have come from such humble means. Don said that he was at the record store for about a year and a half and taught Tom Petty during that time. He said that he taught himself how to play and read music too. Don said that he learned a lot of stuff from other people while he was teaching.
Howard asked Don how he got into the Eagles and found out that he used to jam with them once in a while and that led to them asking him to be part of the band. Howard said that Don was a full working partner with them at the time. He asked if he would have backed out if they didn't make him that offer. Don said he played slide guitar for one of their songs and they called him the next day and asked him to be part of the band.
Howard asked Don if he was out banging chicks while his wife was home with their kid. Don said that he had a really religious upbringing and he was dragged into drugs and promiscuity. He said that he didn't get addicted to drugs but he did his fair share of them. He did coke and some other stuff like that. He said that everyone was high back then though.
Howard said that Don saw Keith Richards in his hotel room one time and he thought he was dead. Then he saw him on stage that night and he was alive and kicking. Don said that they were in Kansas City and they just happened to be in town at the same time. He said that their road manager was friends with the Stones road manager so they were introduced to them. Don said that the doors were open to their Presidential suite and the music was blaring out of the room. He saw a guitar laying on the floor and thought that was kind of odd. They looked for Keith and that's when he saw the foot sticking out of the bathroom and then they were whisked away.
Howard said that it must have been wild being in The Eagles. don said that when he joined they weren't that big but things went crazy after ''Hotel California'' came out. Don wrote the music for the song and a some of the lyrics. He said that he was out on the beach just messing around and came up with the song. He said that he went back to the studio and tried to get it recorded. He played a little bit of that for Howard when he asked him to. Howard said that must have been a huge moment for him. Don said it wasn't that big of a deal but it sounded like a good start to a song.
don said that a few days later he started listening to the reel he recorded and decided to finish the song. He said that he laid down some guitar and drum beats and wrote almost exactly what ended up on the record.
Howard asked Don why they got rid of him if he was capable of writing such a great song. Don said that when the band was first formed the guys had all agreed to be equal members in it. He said that it was still going on when he joined the band. He said that they created the band as a 5 way membership so they all got equal shares. He said that as time went by and the main songs got to be hits, Henley and Frey felt they were more entitled to the money coming in. Don said that he talked to his manager about that and the trouble started in the 90s when he started asking questions. He said that he was only a 1/3 owner at that time because some of the other guys had left the band by then.
Don said that the other guys became demons and they took away the fun from the band. Don said that even Glenn Frey and Don Henley were fighting with each other. They were concealing a lot of anger and hate for each other. Howard wondered what could be so bad that they'd hate each other.
Gary came in and said that he read the book so he has a good idea about it. He said that he thinks that Don Henley became a song writing machine and even Glenn Frey's songs weren't good enough for the band and that's why there was so much hate between them. Don told Gary that was very well put.
Howard asked Don if he ever had any doubts about writing the book. Don said that he didn't really. Howard asked Don about the chicks he was banging back when they were really big. Don said that he used to go to parties where they had tons of women, from wall to wall, just wanting to meet them. Howard asked how long he resisted that stuff. Don said he had a lot of guilt when he was doing it and it was very tough for him. He said that they had nothing to do when they weren't on stage so they were doing drugs, drinking and stuff like that.
Howard said that Joe Walsh isn't even a full partner in the Eagles but he must be getting paid well. Don said that's true. He said that he's surprised by that because Joe helped give them that rock and roll image too. Don said that he and Joe would dance around and have fun during some of the songs and Don Henley used to get upset about that so they had to put an end to it. Don said that drove him nuts. He said that he was reprimanded for wearing the wrong color shoes on stage one night.
Artie talked about doing an impression of Joe Walsh and demonstrated that for the guys. He said that they were a great act to watch.
Howard asked Don what kind of money they brought in as a band. Don said that it was billions. He said that he started to look into the finances and that's when he got fired. He said that his lawyer wrote a letter asking to see some paperwork on that stuff and the next day he got fired. He said he had to sue and that case took 6 and a half years to settle. He said that they did settle but they have a non-disclosure agreement so he can't talk about that stuff.
Howard said that he must be glad he made the deal he did back then because he could have gotten screwed if he didn't. Don said that the funny thing is that Don Henley was the head of an organization that was for musicians rights so that was kind of hypocritical.
Howard said that Don went to Joe Walsh and asked him to help defend him after he got kicked out of the band. Joe was in a tough position so he didn't do anything for him. Don said he was kind of hurt by that but he knows that Joe was in a tough position.
Howard asked Don if he was asked not to write a book in this non-disclosure thing. Don said that the last couple of contracts did say that no one was allowed to do interviews or anything without the approval of Henley and Frey. He said that was just for the tours though.
Howard asked Don about what kind of money got was making back then. Don said that he was going through a divorce so he was going through some meditation and stuff and thought a lot about what he had been through in his life. He started writing it all down but not with the intent of writing a book. He was just doing it for therapy. He came up with hundreds of pages of stuff and his fiancee told him he should write a book about it. He said that he didn't do it to get back at anyone or anything.
Don said that he hasn't heard from Henley or Frey about this stuff, only their lawyers. Howard told Don that he looks amazingly well for his age and doing all the drugs. Don said that he's turning 60 in September. He said that his fiancee is 42 and she's going to kill him for saying that on the air.
Howard asked Don, who had a guitar in his hand, to take him back to the day when he created Hotel California, and play it for them. Don said that he would do that. Don said that he was going to play the intro and then have Howard play the drum track he brought in. Don wanted them to all sing along but Howard said that he thinks that just Fred should sing because he can actually sing. Don wanted everyone to join in though.
Don went into the song a short time later. He played an acoustic intro and then had Howard start the drum track for the rest of the song. Artie and Fred joined in on the chorus. Don told them they were very good. Artie dropped out at one point so it was just Fred and Don for the rest of the song.
After the song the guys all applauded the song. Artie said that was his favorite musical moment on the show ever. Howard said that Don taught himself on the guitar but it looked like he was doing it in the very official way that you're supposed to when you play guitar.
Howard asked Don if he misses the band and playing on stage with them. He said that he really doesn't miss the darkness that was involved with the band and stuff like that. Artie asked him if he still speaks to Joe Walsh. Don said that he has tried reaching out to him but he's in a tough position right now and he doesn't speak to him.
Howard talked about the time that Joe Walsh came in and performed Desperado on the show and got into a lot of trouble with Don Henley. He was banned from doing the show for a long time after that. Don said that Joe used to perform ''Life in the Fast Lane'' in his solo act but Henley put a stop to that as well. He said that Joe came up with that guitar lick that starts the song off.
Artie asked Don some questions about the Hotel California video that the band made. He said that Don looks better now than he did back then. He said that Don looked pissed off in the video as if he didn't give a shit anymore. Don said that he and Joe used to push each other as the playing goes. He said that they just had their game faces on during those performances. Howard said that he read that one time they had to turn the mics off during a performance because Henley and Frey were arguing so loud on stage.
Howard asked Don if he and Joe ever double teamed a woman together. Don said that he doesn't remember anything like that happening. Don also talked about Joe chain sawing through the walls during their hotel stays and how he would do that when he was bore. Howard said that they must have had to pay for the damage. Don said of course they did but they also had a lot of fun trashing hotel rooms.
Howard gave Don a plug for his book ''Heaven and Hell: My Life in the Eagles '' and said that it's available now.
Howard took some calls for Don and one guy said that he loves his work and the Eagles aren't the same since he left. He asked if Artie is going to boycott the show now that he's met Don. Artie said he is thinking about doing that because he likes Don. Don went on to say that there isn't any Joe on the new album they have out and it's kind of sad. He said that he's not that thrilled with their new stuff.
A caller told Howard that this was a historical moment and they should just shut down SIRIUS now. He also asked if they could get it on TV. Don was shaking his head no as that was going on so there's no way that's going to end up on Howard TV. Don said that he's not sure how Henley is going to handle him playing it on the air but he doesn't care at this point.
Howard took some more calls and people were talking about how great that performance was. High Pitch Eric called in and said that he wanted to sing along to the song but now it's too late. Howard told Eric to sing a little bit for them. Eric didn't get the lyrics right so Howard hung up on him after that.
Howard gave Don another plug for the book and spent a little more time talking to him about his daughter who has a modeling career. Don said that he'll bring her back next time and perform some songs with her. Howard said that would be great. Robin said that they're just hearing his side of this story and maybe they should have the rest of the guys on to tell their side.
Don said that he would rather hear Don Henley sing his songs than himself. He said that Henley has a great voice. Howard said that he was going to play his favorite musical moment which was a song parody but the guys didn't get him the right song. Artie told him it was probably best not to play anything to ruin that great performance that Don had just done anyway. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that he read in the paper today that they picked up on Mark Consuelos marrying him and Beth. Regis saw that and he was asking Kelly Ripa about it but she wasn't talking. He played some clips of Regis asking the questions and Kelly not saying anything about it. She told Regis she doesn't know what he's talking about and didn't even know who Mark was even though that's her husband. She even started to sing a song while Regis was asking her about it. She was ignoring Regis' questions. Kelly tried to move along to something else and Regis figured he had struck a nerve with her. Kelly said that she really didn't know what he was talking about.
Howard said that Kelly knows everything. Artie came in and asked if Kelly is going to be at the wedding. Howard said he's not sure about that but he knows that Mark will be there. Artie said that he thinks that Kelly is really hot and he's hoping to meet her there.
Howard said that he ran into Richie Sambora and his daughter the other day there at SIRIUS. He said that Richie's daughter Ava looks just like Heather Locklear. He spent a minute talking about that.
Jon Hein came in a short time later and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. After that Howard had Mutt on the phone to give a rundown of what they had coming up on Superfan Roundtable tonight. Mutt said that they'll be talking about the Booey contest. Howard interrupted him and asked if he was the source of the Eric the Midget story. Mutt said that he's not the source. He said that he was called about it but he didn't tip Steve off. Mutt said that all he did was confirm that Eric did post with the account.
Howard said that Eric has lied about the Romeo Blues thing. Eric asked Mutt to just close his account. Mutt said that he could just walk away. Eric said that walking away is for cowards. He said that he didn't post on there for 140 days. Mutt laughed and said that he loves that he knows how many days it's been. Howard told Eric to admit that he loves the SternFanNetwork because he's still reading it and posting on it. Eric said he doesn't love it, he uses it to get fuel to get pissed off. Mutt laughed again when he heard that.
Eric said that he just has to look at that stuff that people post about him to get pissed off. He likes to get pissed because he can get on the air when he's pissed. He said he doesn't like going on that web site though. Mutt asked him what he can do to make things better. Eric said that he could get rid of the people he asked them to get rid of in his post. Howard said that it's sad that Eric is the only one defending Eric over there. Eric said he's not the only one, there are others.
Howard said that Eric has lied to him about posting under Romeo Blues. Eric said that maybe he does but maybe he doesn't. Mutt said he wasn't even going to talk about that but now he might bring it up on Superfan Roundtable.
Eric said that he was sad to hear about Jimmy's break up with Sarah Silverman. Howard thanked him for that and let him go. Mutt got back to his thing and said that they were going to be trying to figure out who Benjy was talking about yesterday. Howard said that they'll never figure out who it was.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked about the Mark Consuelos thing. Howard said that he and Beth asked Mark to do it and he agreed to get the ordained minister thing and he told them to consider it done. He said that he thinks that Kelly loves it all even though she's not talking about it on Regis and Kelly. Howard said that he's just doing it to drive Kathie Lee nuts.
The caller said that she's a dealer down in Atlantic City and she only lives a mile from his shore house so she's willing to be a dealer for him at his house if he ever needs one. Howard put her on hold so they could get her number.
Artie said that he's going out to L.A. to roast Bob Saget and then Sam Simon is coming back to hang out with him at his house and they're going to play poker. He said that Howard is invited. Howard said that he might have to do that.
Howard said he thought everyone loved it but he was apparently wrong. He said he wants to see it again. Robin said she wants to marry Batman after seeing it.
Howard asked Robin to start her news after that. She started off with some news about Jesse Jackson's comments about Barack Obama when he was recorded while not knowing it. Now they're saying that he used the N-word during his comments. That led to Artie doing his impression of Jesse and saying some of those comments. He said that he doesn't do it quite as well as Darrell Hammond does though.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about what a mistake this war in Iraq was and how it's really making a mess out of this country. He was talking about how the government wastes money and how someone needs to look into that and stop the waste. He said that he'd like to find a candidate that can put a stop to that kind of waste. He said that the guy would have to sit down and really work hard to do something like that though. He might even have to agree to not go to Camp David.
Robin asked Howard to play some of the Al Reynolds clips that he talked about earlier. Howard wanted to hold off on them until Monday but Robin really wanted to hear them. Howard said that he saw that Al had posted this stuff on YouTube and they were fascinating. He played some of the clips where Al talks about who he really is and how he's not just Star Jones' ex-husband. Howard said that Al is being interviewed by this woman who looks like she was just cut into the video from another location. At one point Al was talking about all of the stuff he was about and it sounded like Ronnie's ''Scoresman'' speech where he talks about what he's all about.
Al claims that he's not a homosexual and said that this has caused problems in his professional life. He talked about the way he was raised and how he had to get dressed up for church and stuff so that's why he dresses up now. He said that some people might think he's a metrosexual because of that. Howard said that guy is really creepy after hearing that.
At one point Al mentioned that he came from a family with 6 kids. That led to Howard talking about these families that claim poverty after they have that many kids and how they bring it on themselves.
Howard played more of the Al Reynolds clips and goofed on the guy about his wacky philosophies. He revealed that he's still wearing his ring even though he's not married to Star anymore. Artie put a message out to him and told him that he's a dope. He said he's acting like a bit of a jerk off.
Al talked about their wedding and how he didn't know what was up with all of the sponsors they had for the wedding. He said that he thought that was just the way celebrities did things. Howard gave up on the clip after that because he was getting bored with it.
Robin said that Al may be doing this because he's got a book coming out and he may be trying to downplay his over the top image. Howard said he's not sure he'd buy a financial book from a guy like that. He would buy a book about how to get married to a fat chick on TV though. Howard said that he should write the book as Al and started to recite some lines that he'd put in there. He talked about how you can keep your eyes closed when you're fucking the fat chick.
Robin said that Andy Dick was arrested for allegedly walking up to a 17 year old girl and pulling down her tank top and bra and exposing her breasts. Artie said that he's fucked. Howard said he's surprised there's a girl involved. Howard said he doesn't believe that Andy could pull a girl's top off. He said he'd believe it if it was a guy.
Robin said that Andy was intoxicated and had some marijuana and Xanex on him when he was arrested. Robin said that Andy can't seem to walk a straight line forward. She said that he was working, although it was just on The Gong Show, but he has screwed up again. Howard said that he should put out one of those Al Reynolds-like videos on YouTube.
Howard said that he was thinking about the Star Jones comments and he doesn't really think she's the ugliest fat chick he's seen. He said she's got a bit of a look so he'd have to write the book about a fat chick you're not that attracted to instead of the ugliest fat chick.
Howard showed the guys Andy's mug shot and it was pretty freaky looking. He said that it looked demonic. Artie told a story about meeting Andy many years ago when he was on MAD TV. He said that a guy asked him to help get Andy into his car but he didn't know the guy and he didn't want to help because he had problems of his own back then.
Howard played a clip that was supposed to be Star Jones and Al Reynolds having sex but it sounded like an animal doing someone on a bed. Artie asked what the fuck that was. It sounded like a wounded animal.
Robin had some news about Jay Leno possibly going to ABC and had some audio of Jimmy asking an ABC executive if those rumors are true and what they're going to do with the other late night guy they have. The ABC Exec didn't want to talk about it. Robin said that Jay Leno could go to ABC but they're saying that Jimmy could go on earlier as well.
Robin had Howard play some audio of the Emmy Nominees for this year. They ran through that stuff and Howard picked some of his favorites to win. He heard Neil Patrick Harris doing the announcements and said that he sounds a little gay doing the announcements. He said he has to talk to Neil about that. Kristin Chenoweth was announcing with Neil and she said that she had a date with Jeff Probst so Howard told Gary to get him on the show on Monday so they can talk to him about that. He wants to know if Jeff banged that chick.
Howard said that he got a letter from this National Radio Broadcasting Hall Of Fame group that he asked not to nominate him for an award. He said that they nominated him anyway. He said the letter he got pissed him off and asked people not to vote for him. He said that it's ridiculous that he's even nominated because it's insulting because no one even comes close to him in what he's done with his career.
While Robin was doing some news about John McCain Howard asked Fred how many black people are voting for McCain. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip. Fred also threw in the Redrum clip from The Shining for no apparent reason.
Robin played some audio of John McCain making a speech to a room that sounded empty at the time. Robin had some news about how they're considering sending more troops to Afghanistan to help out over there. She said that Artie's trip over there may have brought more attention to that.
Howard said that McCain should go out and tell all black people that he's going to name every street in America ''Martin Luther King Blvd.'' He said that he could change the White House to the Black House too. He could even make a 50 Cent song the national anthem. He goofed around with that for a short time before Robin got back to her news.
Robin read some news about the new Batman movie hitting theaters tonight at midnight. Howard was still talking about McCain and how funny it would have been if he had come out on stage moon walking. Robin continued her news and said that the Batman movie is probably going to be huge this weekend.
Robin said that Natalie Cole has been diagnosed with Hepatitis C. She said it could be related to her past drug use. Madonna's SUV was attacked by vandals as it was being driven through Central Park. They claim that two kids threw a rock over and overpass and broke a rear window. Robin wrapped up a short time later and they ended the show around 11:10am.
Gary said that no one knows what any of the guys in the band look like. He and Jon talked about some of the stuff Don and Howard talked about today. Gary shared some of the stuff he read in Don's book too. He said that Don was saying that they weren't even hanging out together for a while and they'd stay in separate rooms, show up in separate cars and all of that.
Jon was saying that don doesn't look anything like he did in that Hotel California video they made years ago. Gary said that none of the guys in the band look the same as they did back then.
Jon had Gary talking about some of the stuff that he read in Don's book about working with the Allman Brothers, Steven Stills, Tom Petty and others.
Jon played some of Don's performance of ''Hotel California'' where Fred and Artie were singing along. Gary said that it wasn't so great to have Artie singing along. Gary said that he just realized what happens there and noticed that Artie was singing too much with Don. He wasn't just singing the chorus. Jon said that Howard and Robin weren't singing along but Artie and Fred did. Jon said that a lot of people are saying that it was the best musical performance ever.
Gary said that they're looking for a unique version of the song and that's what they got today. He asked Scott to edit out the first chorus and put in the second chorus there so it sounds a little better.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that the interview was very touching when Don was talking about some of the stuff that went on with him going out on the road.
Benjy was saying that he wasn't singing along but he was mouthing the words with his mouth open just a little bit.
Another caller said that Hotel California is a rip off of another song done by Jethro Tull. He said that it was note for note the same guitar solo. He thought that they would confront the guy about it today but they didn't. Gary said that he got some stuff from Dan the Song Parody man saying that Guns N Roses lifted the opening of Hotel California for ''Patience.'' Teddy tried to find the guitar solo that the caller was talking about but he wasn't having any luck.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the song today was great with Don Felder singing it instead of someone else from the band.
Jon said that Teddy found the song that the caller was talking about and played the guitar solo that he was talking about. The solo was very similar to the Hotel California solo that the caller was talking about. Gary said it wasn't note for note but there was a very strong similarity. Gary told the guys to have that pulled for Monday morning. Jon thought that it was a very similar riff and the caller did have a good point there.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked what their top 3 performances are on the Stern Show. Gary said that's hard to do. He said that today's performance is something he might have to wait to put on his list. He said he has to hear it again. Gary said that he's got a few on his list that he'd put up at the top. Jon said that he'd put Dave Grohl's ''Everlong'' performance up there at the top of his list.
Gary and Jon talked about some of the stuff that Don was talking about today. Gary was saying that he doesn't really seem that bitter anymore though.
Another caller said that tons of musicians in the past have borrowed from other bands in their songs. He said that they're two pieces of art. Gary said that they'd have to prove that Don heard that song before he wrote his song and it would be hard to do. The song wasn't a popular song or anything like that. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Scott said that he listened to the first minute of the song and didn't hear the part that they were talking about. Jon thanked him for that useless info and moved on.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she was calling in about yesterday's show and today's. She said that she thinks that Sal was right that more people should have been involved in the voting for the songs. Gary said that he thinks she may not understand the contest. She also said that Gary is going to avoid the most insulting songs so he shouldn't be involved with the voting. She also didn't like that some of the songs just keep saying ''Baba Booey'' over and over.
Gary said that some of the songs that are just ''Baba Booey'' being said over and over are some of the most S popular songs that they do. Jon was also saying that they sat there for a long time playing almost a hundred songs and they can get pretty brutal. He said that Gary takes it pretty well. He was telling her that because she seemed to think that Gary wasn't being objective about the songs.
Gary said that he recognized how uncomfortable it was when they were playing the songs when Will tried not to laugh at them. Jon said that Jason will laugh in his face though.
Gary said that they were handing out the songs to a bunch of people to go over. They'd pick maybe 10 of 20 that they were given and then they'd give Jason the 10 and Jason would go through those and pick out the ones he wanted to keep in so it was a multiple person choice.
The woman said that Jon Hein was saying that he had a song that he liked that she was hoping was hers. She said that she did a ''Hey Hey, He's a Monkey'' song. Gary said that he thinks there were a bunch of those.
Jason said that he got to listen to a lot of songs in the contest and he's not sure why there's so much controversy over this. Gary said that it's just that Sal doesn't understand some stuff. He said that he thinks that if he went and listened to the stuff that Sal rejected, he'd probably find something that he actually likes. Jason said that they can't listen to all 400 songs that came in, it just doesn't make sense.
Sal came in and said that he didn't have anything to say about this, he just heard that they went into this again. Sal said he never complained about this whole thing so he's not sure why he's there. Jason was laughing at him in the background as he was saying that. Sal was upset about the process and Gary said it doesn't make any sense.
Sal said he felt the process was inefficient, that's all he was saying. Gary said that Sal doesn't care about this for the show, he only cares because of his ego. Sal said he has no ego. Everyone else seems to think he does.
Jason said that Sal was saying that he couldn't believe that everything that he and Richard picked didn't make it into the finals. Sal went off on Jason for making up shit and inflaming it and exaggerating it because he wants air time. He said that he doesn't get any attention for anything creative so this is how he does things.
Gary told Sal to stop because Jason doesn't do the same thing he does so he's not known for the same things. Sal said that Jason makes stuff up and he gets it wrong. He was also saying that he just does it to piss people off. Sal said he doesn't care about this process. Gary asked him if he would like to be left out of the process next time.
Sal kept denying that he had a problem but Gary said that he does have a problem and that's why they're talking about this. Sal said he just has a problem with just one other person hearing the songs that he's putting through. Sal said that he was upset that it was just one person and he's called Jason in to give his opinion on other things in the past.
Sal told Gary that he's mean and he's making an assumption and telling him he's wrong. Benjy said that he thinks that he might have a good point about one person listening but they would have to have everyone listen to every song if he wanted to do it right.
Jason said that Sal has no idea what he contributes to the show. He said that he's not a writer like Sal is supposedly a writer. He said that he does contribute stuff to the show and Gary backed that up. Sal said that he said that he does ask Jason for his opinion and was kind of back tracking on what he was saying. Gary called Sal a two face and said that he was just telling Jason that he didn't contribute anything to the show.
Sal said that he respects Gary very much too but he was laughing when he said it. Jason also said that Sal is an air whore even though he was just telling him that he was an air whore. He brought up Sal's wife cheating on him and then Sal brought up that Jason's mother hates him and he sees why now. He said that he's just a pile of useless chopped meat.
Jon said that they only had a minute left and asked Gary where this animosity came from. Gary said he didn't know. Sal said that he doesn't have a beef with Jason. Jason said he has a beef with him now because he treated him like an asshole on the air. Jason said that he said shit about him that he didn't have to. Sal said that he kept saying that he didn't have a problem with Jason but they kept bringing it up. Jason said that he wouldn't have called him a lazy asshole if he didn't have a problem with him. Sal went off on Jason a little more saying that Jason's mother should have aborted him and he would have high fived her if she had.
Jon had to end the show a short time later. Sal and Richard were still going off on each other as the show was coming to an end. Sal was saying he was going to be at Jason's house with a machine gun so Jon had to say that he was just joking about that. They were still calling each other names as the show ended.