|Friday||Master Tape Theatre|
Howard Started off the show not knowing what month they were in. He thought it was June but he wasn't quit sure. He also said that he read the news that George Carlin had died over the weekend. He said that the guy was a great comedian and they heard that he wanted to be on but they turned him down recently. He said that he had been on before a couple of times but they turned down the offer this last time.
Artie said that he heard him when he was on and he kind of talked a lot about comedy and stuff and he went on a little long. He said that you put up with that kind of stuff because you love him as a comedian so much though. He said that you weren't laughing when he was on so that was a problem.
Howard talked about how amazing George was doing what he did because he always had something new in his act. He read through the news story he got about Carlin's death and how he passed away of a heart attack. He said that Carlin had some heart attacks in the past according to the article.
Howard read about Carlin's history in the article and how he has a new HBO special that he just finished in March.
Howard played a voice mail that George left for Gary once. In the clip George was talking about doing Bill Maher's show and hearing from someone at HBO about how complimentary Howard was about his appearance on that show. George was calling to thank Howard for his kind words that he didn't actually hear himself. He was also saying that he does the Imus show regularly and he wasn't sure if Howard kept him off for doing that or not.
Artie said that had to make him feel great because it meant so much to Carlin that he spoke positively about him.
Howard played one of Carlin's bits that he felt was one of his greatest. It's a bit about religion where Carlin goes off on organized religion and how religion has the greatest bullshit story every told, that there's an invisible man in the sky watching everything you do. Howard said that he really was a brilliant man. Robin said that he did hit stuff right on the head when he did his comedy.
Howard said that George was a great mimic and did great voices and characters. He stopped doing that later on in his career but he did it early on. He said that there was one bit he did where he did an impression of a radio dial and he was so good at it. He played some of that bit where George was going through the AM dial and doing an impression of what it sounds like and talking about the many different things that you hear on different parts of the radio.
Artie said that George also hosted the first ever Saturday Night Live show. Howard said that he thought that George also hung out with Lenny Bruce when he was a kid. Artie said that George was able to change with the times too and he got political with his act.
Howard said that he was a big fan of George's and he had this awakening at one point and he started to grow his hair long and he'd dress cool and changed a lot of things. He said that George Carlin and Cheech and Chong were on the cutting edge back when they were doing their thing.
Artie said that he had an encounter with Carlin once on the Craig Kilborn show back in 1999. He said that he was doing the show and the first guest was George Carlin. Artie said that he was having a meltdown knowing he had to follow Carlin. As he was going on stage Carlin passed in front of him and he was mad at the booker for making another comedian follow him. Artie said that George talked to him about that and told him that he hoped that he didn't think that he did that on purpose. He told him to go out and hoped that he killed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that George Carlin really was the shit. He told Howard that the guy was great. Howard said that he was fascinated by the Craig Kilborn story and asked Gary to do a follow up on what happened to that guy. He wanted to know if he was fired or if he quit to be a writer as Artie thought he had.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Carlin called into the show when Pat Cooper was on the show one time and it was a great call. Howard said that was a good memory and he didn't remember that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he heard that Jim Cramer was talking about how he thinks that the merger may not go through. The guy even had an audio clip of it to play for Howard. Howard didn't like the sound of that so he had the guy play the clip he had.
In the clip Cramer was talking about the conditions that the FCC was going to put on the merger and how it probably wouldn't fly. Howard said that it's really going to cost the stockholders if they don't allow this merger to go through. They will probably lose one of the companies because they won't be able to afford to stay in business.
Howard talked about what could happen if the merger doesn't happen and then the caller played another clip for him where Cramer talked about how they have to get together to stay in business.
Howard said that this is a turning point for the way he views government and the way he views the world. He said he's seeing first hand how despicable these lobbyists and politicians are.
Howard said that he's been hearing about Barack Obama and how bad he is when he's off script and it's not looking good for him.
The caller asked Howard who he would like to see Beth O with if he had to pick a girl. Howard said that he saw a girl in the NY Post today on page 11 and he'd like to see her with her. It's the girl in the black leotard on that page. Artie took a look in his paper and gave Howard an ''Oh yeah!''
The caller asked if Howard has ever licked Beth's ass. Howard said that she won't let him do that. He said he'd like to but she thinks that's disgusting and won't let him. He said that he tells her that he'd like to lick her asshole and she just clenches up and won't allow it. He said he has been with some wild girls before and they're willing to do stuff like that but some of them are insane.
The caller asked if they had done the Cindy Margolis thing yet. Howard told him that they're doing that today around 7:30.
Howard said that he read that Amy Winehouse has emphysema now and the doctors are blaming that on her smoking crack and cigarettes. He read through an article he had read but wasn't able to find the exact quote he was talking about.
Howard said that he had no desire to see the new Get Smart movie or the Love Guru movie. He said that maybe now he'll want to see Get Smart but not the Love Guru. Hanzi said that he saw that there's a cameo from Bill Murray in the movie. Artie said that he was sounding retarded this morning. He made fun of the first thing he said when he got on because he was kind of lost when he got on.
Hanzi said that he doesn't work and his parents help him out so Howard went through that with him. Hanzi said that his parents tell him to go out on his own but then they give in and give him more money. Hanzi said that he's just fucked in the head. He said his father makes a good living so he's able to help him out. Hanzi is 24 and he's still getting help from his parents.
Howard said that Hanzi has this hard working father and if he doesn't help him out the kid will probably become homeless. Hanzi said that he has depression and has to get help in therapy. Howard said that's what a lot of people do, they blame stuff like that on depression. The psychiatrist probably tells the family that Hanzi is fucked up.
Hanzi said that he's been turned down from doing jobs at restaurants and stuff. Howard said that he probably thinks he's too good to do that stuff and he turns down jobs that he could be doing.
Hanzi said he's not like that. He said that he's had numerous temp jobs. He said he worked one job for almost a year but they gave him shit hours.
Artie said that his cop friend was working at a Bennigans and he quit so he asked him why. The guy told him ''They were handing me shit...''
Gary said that Hanzi e-mails him at least once a day and they're very long with no punctuation and they're all one long paragraph. He said he can't even read the whole thing. He said he'll get an e-mail about something like Carly Simon and it'll be so long that he can't believe that anyone could find that much to say about someone.
Howard talked about how Hanzi is smoking pot with his medication. Hanzi said he asked his doctor about smoking the weed with his meds and the doctor was more worried about him drinking with the meds. Howard said that he should just forget it and stop spending his father's money on pot. Robin said that this isn't going to get any better for him and he might as well keep smoking.
Howard asked Hanzi what he does all the time. Hanzi said that he used to exercise but not anymore. Artie told him that he's ''a two handed Curro (Jeff the Drunk).'' Hanzi was saying that he spends most of his time writing in his room. Howard wanted to hear some of what he writes but Hanzi said that they wouldn't be interested in that shit. Howard said he wanted to hear it and told him to read some of it.
Hanzi got the stuff he wrote but he didn't want to read it. Artie told Hanzi that every time he starts off a sentence saying ''whatchacallit'' it makes him want to punch him in the face.
Hanzi was hesitant to read any of his stuff but Howard tried to convince him to read it. Hanzi said that they were just going to goof on him if he did read it.
Hanzi finally read a little bit of his stuff and said he was going to change the names to protect his friends. He changed the names to Artie and Howard. He read through the notes he wrote and there wasn't all that much there. He was basically saying that a lot of people are liars and won't tell you the truth.
Howard asked Hanzi if he has a gun. Hanzi said he doesn't but he wishes he did. He said he wouldn't hurt anyone else, he'd hurt himself before he hurt anyone else. He said that didn't mean that he wanted to kill himself or anything.
Howard had Hanzi read another one of his notes. Hanzi read another one where he talked about the time of day he was sleeping. Hanzi stopped and said that he couldn't even read his own stuff. Howard told him that it shows how much time he's wasting in his life. He said that he's writing about his lying friends and his sleeping habits.
Hanzi was having trouble getting his thoughts out about what the writings were all about. Artie was goofing on him for being kind of dopey.
Hanzi said that his therapist actually closed her practice. He also told Howard that he has gotten laid before but not in about 2 and a half years. Artie told him that he's got more going on at 24 than he did at that age.
Howard talked to Hanzi about the chick thing and said that if he got into some kind of work where he just got outside of the house he'd be much better off. He told him to try doing landscaping or something. Hanzi said he didn't want to do that. Robin suggested he go work at a gas station. Howard said that's what Captain Janks does.
Howard asked Hanzi how he went out to see a movie if he doesn't have any money. Hanzi said that his brother paid for it for him. He said his whole family is successful.
Artie said that life gives you subtle hints and asked him what movie he went to see. Hanzi said it was ''Get Smart'' so Artie told him that's right, life is telling him to Get Smart.
Howard said that Hanzi seems like a nice guy and he likes him. Artie ended up goofing on him a little bit more about the dopey comments he was making earlier.
Jason came in and told Howard he had some of his blogs. Howard read through some of those and in one Hanzi was complaining about his cable internet service. Howard said his writing reminds him of the lead character, Holden Caulfield, and how he thought that everyone was wrong.
Howard said that Hanzi is critical of everyone and everything. He read more of his rant on the cable company and said that maybe Hanzi should work to make the cable company better and try to change things there.
Hanzi said that he doesn't think much of himself but there are people who tell him that he's really witty and stuff. He said that he's not sure if they're lying about that or not. Howard told him that he's making things too complicated and he should just go out and get a job and be good at it.
Howard told Hanzi he should try working at a surf shop or something. Robin told him to try a 7-11. Howard told Hanzi that High Pitch Eric is out working a job now and he's got purpose in his life. Robin said that he actually had to turn down stuff on the show because of his job.
Howard said that Hanzi has been trying to do prank calls for the show but they're not working out all that great. Hanzi said that there's a whole story behind those calls. He tried to explain it but Howard went ahead and played the calls anyway.
Hanzi said that he had a whole explanation for that and started to get into it. He got frustrated and cut himself off. Howard told Hanzi that he really likes him but Hanzi didn't even believe that. Howard said he wasn't kidding about that.
Artie told him he likes him too but he sounds like he's going down the wrong road with the weed and stuff. Hanzi said that he doesn't care about the road he's heading down because everyone is corrupt and stuff. The guys told him he was sounding more and more like a Lee Harvey Oswald or something.
Howard told Hanzi to stop with the pot. Hanzi said that he's tried to stop but he's only been able to reduce the amount. He said he figures that they're going to get a lot of hate mail about this tomorrow.
Howard told Hanzi he has a great gift of gab and maybe he should become a drug counselor or something. Robin said he'd have to give up the drugs first. Howard said she's right about that. Howard let Hanzi go after that.
High Pitch claimed that he got laid over the weekend. He said that it was a crack whore in his building. She looked like Whoopi Goldberg according to Eric. He said that they were talking over the weekend and she gave him a blow job and he came all over her. He said he finished in like 5 seconds. Artie said that there's no way that happened. He said that he doesn't even have a dick.
Howard asked what that chick's body looked like. Eric said she wasn't too fat but she wasn't skinny. He said that she just went down on him and didn't use a rubber. He did mention something about giving her $20 to do it.
Eric said that maybe he'll do it again in a couple of weeks if he feels like it. Eric said that he'd be willing to let Artie watch him get a blow job from that chick. Artie said he didn't want to see that, but maybe someone like Jason would.
Howard said he had to take a break but they have a guy coming in to talk about Subway sandwiches. He's going to have Artie taste test their meats and some meat from a ''real'' deli. They went to break a short time later.
David said that everyone tries to connect to Howard and that's one thing he found out last week. He said he lives down in Maryland and everyone down there knows that he's on today.
Howard said that David claims that he delivers the same meats to Subway that he delivers to the other deli's like the Carnegie Deli.
David was asking Howard if he recognized a room and dorm number over at Boston University. David said that he heard that he lived in that room from Larry Fishbein. Howard said he recognized the name but he didn't even remember what room number he lived in when he was there. He said he can't even verify that he was in that room.
Howard moved on to the challenge that David came up with. Artie said he could tell just by looking at the sandwich which one came from which place. He said that the Carnegie Deli sandwich looked like a real sandwich.
David handed Howard $100 and said he was trying to stay there as long as he could. Howard had to stop everyone because no one knew what was going on there. Will said that Artie was right about the sandwiches because the darker meat was from Subway and the fresh looking meat was from the Carnegie.
David said that he was there to say that the Subway subs are fine to eat just like any other deli meat. Robin said that he was saying that the meat that he delivers is the same meat at all of those places but then David claimed that Robin made that up and spoke for him.
David said that Howard asked him if he thought that Artie wouldn't be able to tell the difference. He said that if he had disagreed with him, he wouldn't be there this morning. Artie said that this guy is just wasting their time.
Howard said that he was saying last week that the Subway sandwiches aren't that good and there are a lot of great deli's in the city that they could get lunch from instead of a Subway. That's what he was telling Jason last week.
David said that Katz's deli has great meat and they don't even use a slicer there because the meat is so tender. David also said that he brought them some great food this morning and he sells meat for a living. Artie asked him if he gave him $100, would he leave. David said he would.
David said that he has some great crab cakes for them too. Howard said he heard that Ronnie was saying that this guy is the most annoying guy who has ever been up there. Ronnie said that the guy is annoying and they're not going to eat anything he brought in.
Robin was arguing that the crab cakes that David brought in were not the best out there. She said that they have great ones down by where she lives.
Artie said that he would taste the crab cakes. He said that it was cold but it did taste alright because it wasn't fishy. He said that was a good sign.
Howard thanked David for coming in and told him that he didn't prove his point this morning. David said that a sandwich at Carnegie costs $16 but at Subway it's $5. He said he brought in a bunch of sandwiches from a bunch of deli's. He said that he had one from Hoboken too.
Howard said that this guy seems like one of those fun guys who is always having barbecue's in his yard and stuff like that. David said that is the way he is.
Howard told Ronnie to let this guy go around and take his pictures and stuff around the studio. David said he was going to leave his chocolate covered matzo there and they can do what they want with it. He said it's white chocolate. Benjy tried a piece and so did Artie. Artie said that it was actually very good.
Artie asked David if he wanted to date Cindy Margolis. David said that he met the contestants and he thinks that one of the contestants might be gay. He said that the other guy who is there as an alternate is the one who should be in it.
Howard had the guys bring in this guy who David was talking about. When the guy came in David said that he's a homo. The guy, Ralph, was in the studio and David was goofing on him. He said that he saw him with his legs crossed and he was kind of moving away from the manly men out there. Ralph said that he was born in another country and he wanted to keep it a secret so his bosses don't find out.
Artie said that he thinks that this guy might be lying to keep it a secret from his bosses. Howard told him that they're going to televise it though. Ralph said that less people watch that show than listen to the show. Ralph eventually said that he's Jewish and he wasn't from another country.
Howard said he can see that this guy isn't gay. He said that David is probably wrong about Ralph being gay. Howard asked Ralph if he has ever jerked a guy off. At first he said he wasn't going to answer but then he said he definitely didn't.
Howard wrapped up with Ralph and tried to let David go. David was trying to get his buddy in there so Ralph asked if he was running the show. David told him to stop. Howard wrapped up with David a short time later. Ronnie came in and dragged him out of the studio. They didn't take his money, they gave it all back. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard told Cindy that she was looking good this morning too. He said that she was wearing a great dress this morning. He said that she's looking really good and he'd take a date with her if he could. He told her that she's holding it together. Cindy said she sold her soul to the devil a long time ago and it's working.
Howard asked if it was true that she told Playboy radio that she had a threesome recently. She said that is true. She said she's not sure what's going on in her life but things are wild. She said that she and her husband broke up but they're still friends. She said that they're better off just being friends.
Cindy said that she had she was married to her husband for 10 years. She said that he's actually looking for a man for her too. She said that the sex life started to drop off over the years and that would happen with any marriage that went on for 10 years. She said that they went through a lot with the fertility issues she had. She said that they made it through all of that and the sex thing got kind of old when they were trying to have a baby.
Howard read that Cindy likes to wear outfits and stuff and he didn't know that she was as sexual as she claims. Cindy said that she thinks she's going through her sexual peak right now. Cindy is 42 now and she said that she never wears the same lingerie twice.
Cindy said that she dresses up for herself to get her into the mood and the guys love that. She said that she loves to rip it off too. Cindy said that she loves to wear lingerie that has your breast exposed and your vagina exposed so the guys love it and she still feels sexy in the outfit.
Howard asked Cindy about the threesome she had. She said that she had that on the list of things she had to do and she finally got to cross it off the list. She said that she had a friend that she talked to about that and she wanted to be a part of it. Cindy said that she found this other woman attractive and said that all of her friends are attractive.
Howard asked Cindy how the subject came up. Cindy said that she didn't think that she'd want to do it with a friend because you'd never be able to get past that. She said that she didn't have the threesome with that friend's husband. She had it with a guy friend of her's and another woman.
Cindy said that she was trying to teach this guy some new techniques so he could be better in bed. She said that she helped him out by instructing him on how to perform oral on her and things like that. Cindy said that she thinks a guy has to use his fingers at the same time he's using his mouth. She said that a guy has to use more than one finger at a time too. She suggested two fingers and to curl them up like you're saying ''come here.'' That way a guy can feel a woman as she's getting closer to cumming.
Howard said that coordinating his hand and mouth would be nearly impossible for him. He said that a girl can get off if she keeps her eyes closed and doesn't look at him. Cindy said that a girl can squirt if you use her technique. She said that you have to convince them that they're not peeing though.
Cindy told Howard about her threesome and how that all came about. She said that she had sex with the guy one time before and apparently told him that he wasn't all that good. She said that she had too much to drink that night and wouldn't usually tell someone that. That led to her asking the guy to try again with her. She said that they were all in robes in her hotel room and smoking weed at the time.
Robin said she didn't know that she smoked weed. She said they're learning a lot about her this morning. Cindy went on to tell Howard how she had the other woman go down on her because she won't go down on a woman herself. She said that she talked the guy through putting his fingers in the other woman and it was more of a class than a threesome.
Cindy said that she had the other woman doing stuff to her and she's not even sure how it all happened. She wasn't supposed to be part of it but she got into it and actually came. She said she had to show the woman how to do it. She claims that the guy fell asleep in the middle of it though.
Cindy said that she's more of an ''above the waist'' girl and she doesn't go down on a woman. She said that the other woman had great sex with her husband after that. She said the guy had great sex with the next girl he was with too. She said that she felt like a humanitarian after doing that.
Howard said that they had three guys who wanted to go out with Cindy. Cindy said that she was surprised it was only 3. Howard said he just took the first 3 that he got. Cindy was wondering why they didn't do some screening. Robin said that they were kind of rushing.
Howard said that all three wanted to fuck her. She said that this is serious though and she wants to find someone to go on a date with. Artie said that all three of them want to fuck her more than she can imagine.
Howard said that Cindy claims to be great at blow jobs. She said that is true and she loves to blow a guy and she gets really into it.
A caller said he could hear that Cindy was really nervous because she had dry mouth. Cindy said that she could use some water. They brought her a bottle a few seconds later.
Howard asked Cindy about why she's looking for a man. She said that she's really looking for a man that she can go on a date with. She knows that she can get fucked but she's looking for something regular. Howard showed the contestants the copy of Playboy and Double A gave her a ''Hey now!'' Cindy is looking to take one of these guys to the Playboy mansion for a party she's going to.
Howard introduce the first contestant which was this guy Ralph (not Ralph Cirella). Ralph said that he hasn't seen the pictures of Cindy in Playboy. He said that he would take her on a helicopter ride for their date. Howard asked him what he would do if he went down on her and she had a terrible odor down there. Ralph said that he would figure out a way to get her into the shower and maybe shower together.
The second contestant, Ryan, said that he would lick her clean if she smelled bad down there. He went on to say that he loves Cindy and has watched her on TV for years.
Double A told Howard that he'd tell her to wash that thing if she stunk. He said that if he smells good he'd want her to smell good too.
Howard had Ralph tell Cindy why he thinks that she should go out with him. He went on to say that he's a good guy and he thinks that he could be good for her. He said that he had sex about 2 weeks ago. Howard asked if it was with a girl. He said it was. Cindy sounded kind of worried about that when she heard the ''was it with a girl'' thing. Howard said he was just joking.
Howard asked Ralph about Cindy's 3 kids and what he thinks about that. Ralph said he's great with kids and he doesn't have a problem with that. Howard said that he'd want to bang Cindy but he'd be out of there as soon as the kids came up.
Howard asked the guys about their penis sizes. Ralph wouldn't answer, Ryan said his was a good size. Howard had Ryan tell Cindy why he wanted to go out withy her. He said a few words to her and said that he thinks that he looks a little bit like Jim Florentine and he's actually told people that he's his brother. He also said he's heard that he looks like John Mayer.
Howard asked Double A if he thinks that the guy looks like John Mayer. Double A and Ryan had no idea who the hell John Mayer was. Howard asked Ralph who he thinks he looks like. Ryan said that he's been told he looks like someone from the Sopranos but he wasn't sure who.
Howard asked Double A who he thinks Ralph looks like. Double A said he didn't know and he doesn't look at dudes. Ryan said Ralph looks kind of like Ralph Macchio. Double A told Cindy who he was, Awesome Angelo, and how she should go out with him to find out what's so awesome about Angelo.
Howard asked Double A how quick he thinks he could get her into bed. He figured he could have her in bed by Noon today. He told her they should just skip the bullshit and get right into it. Cindy said she's not sure she's a nooner though.
Howard asked Ralph to say something to her to win her over. Ralph said that the helicopter ride is just something he answered before. He said that he doesn't think that they have to end up in bed tonight if they go on a date.
Howard asked the guys if they have farted in front of girls. They were all saying that they have. Cindy asked the guys if they're really going to wine and dine her and have a romantic dinner. Ralph said he's up for that and so did Ryan. They're up for the romantic dinners. Cindy said that she wants to go out dancing and stuff like that.
Double A told her that he'd like to take her to the Borgata in Atlantic City, have some drinks and then go back to the room and chill in bed. Cindy said that she was just down there yesterday.
Howard asked the guys where the most adventurous place was where they have masturbated. Ralph said he had sex outside with a woman one time. Howard said that Cindy is an exhibitionist and she might like to do that.
Cindy asked the guys how they'd feel if she wanted to have two guys at the same time. Double A said that won't happen with him. He said he doesn't want another dude in the room with him, he can handle her all himself. Ryan said that he'd be up for it if she reciprocated with another girl in the room. Ralph said he'd be up for doing it if that's something she wanted to do. Ryan said he thinks that Ralph would be very happy to have another dude in the room.
Howard asked the guys if they have favorite porn stars. Double A said he likes the ones he makes. Howard asked Cindy if she has made any herself. She said that she hasn't made one but it's on her list of things to do.
Howard gave the guys their one last chance and had Cindy ask another question. She wondered about their age. Ralph was 28, Ryan was 23 and Double A said he was 37 years old. Cindy asked if they had ever dated older women. They said they were up for it and had no problem with her being older.
Howard asked the guys some more questions about her having a baby that was retarded and if they'd ask her to abort it. Double A said he would, Ryan said he'd keep it.
Howard asked the guys to sing a song to Cindy. Ralph wasn't sure he had anything for her but he did start to sing something by Julio Iglacias to her that was pretty bad. Double A asked if he had just entered the Twilight Zone.
Ryan sang the Beth O song for her and changed it to have her name. Double A sang a Bon Jovi song for her and grossed Robin out with the lyrics.
Howard asked the guys what their best physical features are. Ralph said it was his wisdom and then his brain. Ryan said it was his manly chest hair and Double A claimed it was his manhood, all 8 and a half inches of it.
Howard asked the guys what they would do if 3 big, 7 foot, black men came up to them at dinner and told the guys to get lost. Double A said he'd make a call and get rid of them. Ryan said he'd throw them a basketball and Ralph said he'd have a security detail with him. Cindy said that she has the black guy thing on her list of things to do.
Ralph Cirella called in and told Cindy that Double A is a great guy and she should go out with him because he's going to show her a good time. Another caller asked Cindy an F, Marry Kill between Howard, Artie, Gary and Benjy. Cindy said she'd fuck Howard, marry Gary and kill the other guys after having a threesome with them. Artie said that he'd be willing to die after that.
Another caller said that Cindy's episode with her friend Elisa was one of the greatest and he wondered if she's still friends with her. Cindy said that she was a friend of a friend and she's really not friends with her. She said she'd love to be though.
Howard said that he heard that Cindy had a great story about a bathtub but Cindy said she just loves bathtubs. That led to Howard asking her about where the wildest place she's ever had sex was. She said that she had sex in a car one time on the way to Palm Springs. She said she sat on the guy as he drove.
Cindy said that she actually did have the two guy fantasy already and she had two guys from Australia. Cindy said a friend of hers set that up for her.
Howard had the three guys say a few last words and then let Cindy make her choice. Ralph and Double A both bashed the other guys. Ryan didn't bad mouth anyone and said that she should just give him a chance. Howard asked the guys who makes the most money and Double A took out a wad of money and threw it to the ground to show how much he had on him. He claimed it was at least $5,000. Gary picked it up and counted it to see how much there was. Gary said it was at least 3-4,000 in there.
Ryan told Howard that his job is internet marketing and that's why they let him get in on the game. He said that he can double her web site traffic. Ryan said that he he's got a pretty good job working in the financial sector and he thinks they brought him in because of that aspect.
Cindy asked how she should do this. Howard told her to give her thoughts in any way she wanted. She said that they all sounded awesome and they all appealed to her. She said that Double A doesn't need to throw money at her because she has money of her own. She said that she's not impressed by that at all and he was kind of cocky with that. She doesn't need someone to try and impress her, she needs someone to just chill and hang out with her.
Cindy turned down Double A and said that it was down between Ryan and Ralph. She said that Ryan was young and sweet and she'd be right on him if he were a virgin. She had to pick number 1 as the winner. Double A was calling him a faggot and some other names.
Ryan said that Ralph said earlier that he didn't care about the date and he just wanted to meet Howard. Cindy couldn't believe that and said that men were dogs. Ralph said that he really did want to go out with her after reading about some stuff about her.
After hearing that Cindy said that she wanted to go out with Double A. Ralph said that he really wanted to go out with her and he was being honest. Howard said that he thinks that Cindy is saying she wants to go out with Double A now. She said that if Ralph is really saying he came there to meet Howard, she's not going on a date with him.
Double A said that Ralph's words were ''I don't even care about Cindy...'' Artie said that one of the guys was saying that they had a tattoo of Howard on his arm. Cindy didn't seem to care about that. Artie asked her to stick with Double A in respect of the comedy gods out there.
Ralph tried to save himself but it wasn't looking good. Cindy asked Robin for some advice. Robin was going to help her but Howard told her she may want to stay out of it. Cindy was thinking that she might want to go with the 23 year old. Howard said he wasn't going to advise her. Cindy asked Ryan how old his mother is. He said she's 54. That seemed to help a little bit because she's not his mother's age.
Double A was trying to talk Cindy into going out with him. Ryan said he was going to try and enter the Playboy thing but he got on this show instead.
Howard asked Cindy to make a final decision. She ended up picking Ryan after thinking about everything. Then the guys started talking about how the comments that Ralph was making may have been made up and Cindy thought about going back to her original choice. Double A was still trying to get her to go out with him but she wasn't impressed with his cockiness. She said that she doesn't care about the Atlantic City thing.
Gary said that he heard before they went in there that Ralph had said that he wasn't interested in the date. The Howard TV guys had some audio of that too. They played it and Ralph said that the main issue for him being there wasn't Cindy. Ralph tried to explain his way out of that but it wasn't working very well.
Howard let the guys give their final pleas once again. He had Double A give his final plea and he said that he wasn't trying to impress her with his money and she'd have a great time with him. He told her he's into hotties and she's definitely smokin hot.
Ryan said they'll have a great time if they go out. Ralph tried to recover from the bashing earlier and said that he really meant what he said earlier. He said he wants to make the girl really happy. Howard told the guys that Cindy just announce she wants to go back to her husband after hearing all of that.
Howard asked Cindy for her final answer and she picked Ryan, number 2, as her date. Cindy told Double A that saying that he's into hot girls isn't cool.
Howard had Double A go over and say hello to Cindy. He said ''look at those fun bags'' as soon as he saw her. He showed her his tattoos of Howard that he had on his arms. Howard said that Double A has gotten pretty big and he's more like Triple A at this point.
Ralph came out and said hello to Cindy and she seemed to like him. Then Howard had the winner, Ryan, come out and meet her. She said that he didn't even look 22, he looked older. She said she thinks she made the best choice and he was very cute. She said that she can totally teach him things. She said that he's going to be telling people about her for years. Howard told her to come back in and tell them what she teaches him.
Howard said that Ralph looked very jealous after Ryan took the win. Double A said that she picked him after she dropped Ralph the first time.
Howard asked Cindy if she will toss a man's salad. She said that's what a blow job is all about and she does everything down there. She said it's all about the balls and the ass.
Howard gave Cindy some more plugs for the Playboy thing. You can sign up to win a date with her at Playboy.com. They had to go to break after that.
Gary said that he always hears that Double A is with hot chicks but he can't imagine that he gets chicks with that rap of his.
Howard said that Richard Belzer stoped by to do the news with them. He said they have Win Fred's Money and Anal Ring Toss coming up later this week.
Richard Belzer came in and Robin said that he's looking super thin, like a super model. Belzer complained that he had to sit out in the green room while the contest was going on. He asked if they know who he is.
Belzer had tattooed ''don't panic'' on his arm so Howard asked what's up with that. He didn't get an answer. Belzer said that he weighs 104 pounds now but he was up at 138 at one point.
Howard asked Belzer about his Hulk Hogan experience where he settled with him after the guy dropped him on his head. Belzer said he got $400,000 out of that settlement. It wasn't the 10 million that Bubba once claimed.
Howard asked Belzer about the Hogan family and the things they've been going through after the son Nick crashed his car. Belzer said that they should spend time taking about George Carlin instead and dropped that subject.
Howard and Belzer talked about how big of a deal Carlin was. They talked about how he changed his appearance drastically and how big of a deal that was back in the 1970s. Howard asked Belzer what his favorite bit was. Belzer said that if he had to choose one it was the interpretation of the 10 commandments. Howard told him that his favorite is the religion bit he did.
Belzer said that he almost didn't come in this morning because he was so upset by the news of Carlin's death. Belzer said that there was an article about him in Rolling Stone magazine and in 1981 or 82 George was supposed to sit in for Johnny. Carson's producer said that Richard Belzer would never be on the show because of his act but George wanted to have him on as a guest when he was hosting. Belzer said that was the first time he ever got on and it was kind of a big deal for him that Carlin got him on. He said he heard what he had to go through to get him on and it was huge.
Richard said that he spoke to George in the past year. He said he wasn't sure what kind of money he was making recently. Artie said that he knows a guy who told him that 3 years ago he was worth over $100 million. He said that most of that was from merchandise. He was also playing huge venues for the longest time too.
Belzer was saying that Carlin was abusing himself with the smoking and stuff like that. Howard said that Belzer is doing that too by smoking.
Howard said that Belzer didn't have his dog with him today. Belzer said that's because he's not allowed to have it in the building. Howard heard that the dog had changed his life so he asked about that. Belzer said that the dog did change his life. He was going to get into that but Howard asked him how old he is. Belzer didn't come out and say how old he is so he asked how old he looks. Howard said he looks 58. Belzer said that in August he's turning 64.
Howard asked Belzer if he can still get it up. Belzer said that he has no problem with that. He said that his wife is gorgeous and he can still get it up for her. He said that they don't see each other all the time though so that makes it even better. He said that they have an unconventional marriage but they've been together for 27 years now. He said that they have separate lives and they like it that way.
Belzer said that he was living over in France and this dog followed him home. Howard interrupted him and said that he heard that Belzer was trying to get the dog into the building by saying that it was for medical reasons. They wouldn't let the dog in no matter what.
Belzer said that he became attached to the dog over in France because it was abused and abandoned. He said he related to the dog because he was abused and abandoned. Belzer said that he brought the dog back to the United States and the dog just does everything with him. He said that he talks to the dog and spends all of his time with it. He said that he brings the dog to work and everywhere else he goes. He said he feels like a 10 year old kid with a dog.
Belzer has a tattoo of his dog on his arm so he took his shirt off and showed them that. Howard said he was in good shape and said he had no fat on him at all.
Howard gave Belzer some plugs for Last Comic Standing because Belzer is a judge on the show. Belzer said that it reminded him of the auditions that he used to do at Catch a Rising Star so that's why he did it. He said that he and Steve Shirippa are judging together and there are some very funny people out there.
Howard asked Belzer if he's friend with Robin Williams. He said that he is so Howard told him about their history and how he thinks that Robin hates him because he said that he married his nanny. Howard said that the guy has held it against him for the past 20 years or so. He asked Belzer to take that up with Robin next time he sees him.
Howard read an excerpt from Paul Reiser's book where he bad mouths Belzer. Belzer said that he doesn't deny any of what he said but it was 35 years ago that he was acting the way he described in the book. Belzer was sniffing a lot as he was talking so Howard asked him if he's doing coke or something. Belzer said that he has a sinus thing going on and he hasn't done coke in a long time.
Artie told Belzer to tell the joke about Vincent Pastore and Lisa Lampanelli that he told at this roast they were at. Belzer didn't remember it at first but Artie refreshed his memory. He said that Pastore didn't show up so he said that instead of getting Big Pussy, they got Giant Cunt to show up instead.
Belzer got back to the Paul Reiser thing and talked about how Reiser came in back in the 70s or so and he wanted to go on stage at his club. When he let him go on, he saw that he was doing Richard Lewis, his buddy, and he knew that he had made a mistake. He said that it was Lewis' style and not even his jokes. Belzer said that Richard got upset about that and didn't like Reiser for a long time. He said that he doesn't dislike him now though. Belzer said that it was kind of disturbing when he saw him doing the act the way he did.
Howard said that Bill Maher says that he's never seen Belzer do an act sober. Belzer said he used to drink Jack Daniels before every show. He said that he's done just about every drug too.
Artie said he heard stories about Belzer from a club owner and the guy loved Belzer. He had stories about Belzer and John Belushi being able to come in and party for 3 days straight. Howard said that Artie wishes that he was in that group back then.
Belzer told stories about drugs being passed around like appetizers at parties that he used to go to back in the 70s.
Howard said he had to take a break a short time later. He said that Belzer's character, Detective Munch, has been on at least 10 different shows and he's still doing it. Robin said that character is going to join Desperate Housewives. Belzer said that it's thanks to Howard too. Barry Levinson heard Belzer on Howard's show and asked Belzer to come in and audition for a part. That's what led to that character being developed and spreading to the other shows.
A caller reminded Howard that Belzer was in Scarface. Howard didn't remember that. That led to Howard asking Belzer if he had any stories from that movie set. Belzer said there were some but he was going to save those stories. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back a short time later and gave Belzer some more plugs. Belzer asked him about the Mike Myers universe and what happened at the Letterman show when he was there. Howard didn't hear about that so Belzer let out a ''hee heee'' laugh and told him about the story. He said that he was acting like a diva back stage at the show and demanding all kinds of stuff. He said that he's heard that he's burned every bridge and paved over them all. He said he's seen him over the years and he's been very nice to him, he's just reporting on what he's read in the press.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who claims that Belzer banged Michelle Pfeiffer on the set of Scarface. The guy said he knows a guy who claims to have seen Belzer banging Michelle on the set in her trailer. Belzer said that it wasn't him and he was never on the set the same day as Michelle.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. He said that Beth O is saying that they're getting married this summer with just family. Howard said that's what he's told everyone already. Howard said that they're going to have two weddings. He said that they're having the family wedding and then one for friends. That's the one where Mark Consuelo is marrying them. Robin said that's ridiculous and asked him to take her name off the guest list. Howard asked her what triggered that. She said that he'll already be married by then so it's pointless. Howard said that they're not getting married in front of the family either, they're getting married and it'll be just them without even family.
Robin said she wants to go to a ''real'' wedding. Howard told her to go ahead, Will is getting married in Saratoga or something. She can go to that one. Howard said he'd love to have Robin at his wedding. He said that she'll have to be hurt though. He said that he'll talk to her off the air about it since she won't talk about Jim on the air. Belzer said that he and his wife eloped so that's what Howard should do.
Langford said that Jim Florentine was on Bubba the Love Sponge's show and let out a lot of stuff during that interview. Steve said that Jim let out that he and Robin had made out for the first time in the back of a cab.
Steve said that Angry Black is upset that he hasn't gotten his own show there at SIRIUS and he's being treated like crap. He wants to do a show called ''Black Friday.''
Steve said that on this day in 1993 Howard called Jesse Jackson an idiot and called him Jesse Jerkson. He also threw in some plugs for some shows that are on Howard 101 tonight.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the list of things they'd be covering today. That led to Howard wondering if he should have Richard Belzer on his wedding guest list. He said that maybe he should because he's been a friend of the show for so long.
Robin started off her news with the news about George Carlin's death. She read some of the news about that and had Howard play some audio clips.
Howard said that he thinks that advertising really works because he saw the previews for the movie 10,000 BC and he went right out and bought it. Robin told him that the movie was horrible and he shouldn't have wasted his money. Artie said he thought it was a documentary but that's not what it turned out to be.
Howard said that he had some news about Robin. She was ranked number 5 for celebrity breasts. Dolly Parton, Britney Spears, Katie Seagal were all above Robin on the list. That came from a site called Mammarazzi.
Robin asked Howard if he's involved in the planning of his wedding. He said that he is. Howard went on to say that Beth is having a hard time coming up with a guest list though. He said that they're going to have about 100 people there. He said that Beth has a lot of friends and he has a lot of people who he works with. He said that he doesn't really have a lot of ''friends.''
Howard said that he wants to have Robin, Artie and Fred there but not people like Benjy, Richard and Sal. He said that he'd have to invite Sal and Richard if he opens it up to Benjy. Then he'd have to invite the people from Howard TV there. He said that he'd have to invite Doug, Scott DePace and Brian Phelan and people like that. Then there wouldn't be room for people like Belzer. Gary said that DePace just said that he's been there for 15 years and that's the kind of treatment he gets. Howard said this is why he didn't want a wedding at all. He said he just wants to have a dinner with his friends so he can announce this thing.
Howard said that he loves the people he works with and he'd love to have them all to the wedding but it's just not going to happen. Belzer suggested that everyone write an essay on why they should be there. Howard told Belzer he wanted to kiss him when he heard that. He said that's brilliant. He's going to have everyone write a paragraph about why they should be there.
Belzer blew his nose again so Howard asked him what the hell is going on there. He's sounding like an old man. Belzer joked that he just shit his pants too.
Gary said that DePace just gave his answer for that and it said ''I've been here 15 years. Fuck you.'' Howard said that doesn't work.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi getting married and they're doing it on Ellen's show. Robin read some news about Barack Obama and that got Belzer talking politics and his thoughts on Obama.
Robin read some more stories about the rising oil prices. Belzer was claiming that the automobile companies have been keeping people from coming out with vehicles that get great mileage to keep people buying gasoline. He said that it's the oil companies demanding it.
Robin read some news about Amy Winehouse's emphysema and how they're blaming that on her smoking crack. She also had a story about a person that was eating their child. The family was part of a cannibalistic cult and they were skinning their child. She had a story about some young girls up in Massachusetts who had a pregnancy pact.
Belzer threw out some jokes and some plugs for his upcoming comedy appearances. He mentioned he'll be playing with a band at one of his appearances.
Robin read some news about Christie Brinkley, music acts that have been let go from their record companies, comic book character movies that might be made and more. That led to Belzer asking Howard if he was going to make another movie because he has an idea for him.
Ralph called in and said that Belzer is so fucking great on the air and he's glad to hear him hanging out again. He asked him why he's never on. Belzer said that he's never invited anymore. Ralph said that he should have his own hour long show there. Howard said that he could put him on for his own show one night if he wanted. Belzer didn't really sound interested though.
Robin read about the new Get Smart movie being number one at the box office this weekend. She also talked about how bad The Love Guru did. Belzer said he read a review where the guy said that you may never be able to laugh again after seeing that movie. Robin had Howard play a clip of Jessica Alba talking about Mike Myers.
Robin read a few more stories about Angelina Jolie, the Daytime Emmy Awards, Ellen Degeneres, Naomi Campbell, Al Roker taking over Family Feud and more. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:45am.
Artie wanted to comment on George Carlin's death and mention a few things that he didn't get out on the air this morning. He said he heard a story about Carlin being very close to Sam Kinison. He said that he saw him live one time at an HBO taping in April if 1992. He said that it was a live show that he did and the guy was amazing. He said that Kinison died a few days before the show and at the end Carlin dedicated the show to Kinison. He didn't know just how close they were though.
Gary said that Sam and Dice kind of hated each other back then and the two of them were always being compared to one another. Carlin once said he didn't get Dice at all and then a couple of years later the two of them were booked on the show together. Carlin apologized to him in the green room and then Howard told Dice that apologizing in the green room meant nothing, he should be doing it on the air. That got Dice all pissed off again.
Artie said that there are a couple of interviews with Carlin that Bob Costas did that are worth seeing. He said that guy does some great interviews. That led to the guys talking about Howard's interview on that show and how Costas wasn't there and Tom Snyder was filling in for him.
Gary said that Carlin's HBO specials might be some of the best comedy shows in history. Artie said that when he was about 12 he got Carlin's ''Class Clown'' album and then got some of his other albums and he wore them all out listening to them so much.
Gary and Artie talked about some of Carlin's HBO specials and how amazing they were. Artie said that he thinks that he could do a new album or something after a few years of putting stuff together but Carlin was doing an hour of brand new material every two years and that's just insane. He said that the guy never sucked through all that time and he never got to be that asshole celebrity like some become. Gary used Billy Crystal as an example of the asshole celebrity.
The guys talked about a lot of the Carlin stuff. Gary asked him if he thinks that Carlin's stuff is the best or if Eddie Murphy's ''Delirious'' is the funniest. Artie said that he'd have to give Eddie the nod on that. He said that he'd also say that Pryor is next and then Carlin.
Artie said that he had a lot of stories to share during the show but Howard wanted to move on. Artie went into one story about how Carlin asked to be fired from the Copa Cabana out in Vegas. Once he got fired he started to grow his hair long and changed his look.
A caller brought up some of the stuff that Carlin did over the years like a kid's program where he played a railroad engineer.
The guys talked about the Carnegie and some other great deli's around the city and other cities. Artie said the rye bread at Jerry's deli isn't as fresh at some. He said he wasn't sure if that was just in his head or not. Jon told him it's not in his head.
The guys talked about some other places out in L.A. Artie said that he's never had pizza out there that's nearly as good as New York pizza.
Gary told a story about Stuttering John having some pizza delivered to a pool out there and it was from this Mulberry Pizza place that hey were talking about.
The guys were also talking about that guy David who came in and the crazy accent he had. Artie said he thought it was a Chicago accent but the guy was from Maryland.
Ronnie came in and said that he didn't hate that guy but he was bothering a lot of people there. He said that he was bothering Belzer and he knew that Belzer was irritated by him. Gary said that they couldn't get rid of the guy either, he just didn't want to leave. Jon played a clip of Howard talking to David about the sandwich and Artie was able to pick which was which.
The guys talked about some other stuff during that discussion. Artie told some stories about working with Ed Asner and how he called Gwyneth Paltrow a ''fucking cunt'' one time.
Jon asked what was going on with that guy Ralph. Artie interrupted and said he had to get going. Jon thanked him for stopping by.
Gary and Jon talked about that guy Ralph and how David tried to out him on the air. They talked about how creepy Double A was throwing his money out on the floor the way he did. Gary also asked how many times Cindy changed her mind with her pick for the date.
Jon played a clip from the Cindy Margolis thing where she made her first pick of Ralph and then Ryan exposed the comments he made about not being there for her.
The guys talked about how good Cindy was looking and how her tits were hanging out. They talked about how surprised they were when Cindy picked Ralph at first. Jon said that he was hoping that she was going to pick Double A and he was really pulling for him.
A woman called in and said that she heard Leah Remini use the term ''setting the table'' that Gary used last week and he should play it for Howard. Gary said that JD is pulling a bunch of clips of other people using that term but he's looking for more of something from NPR or somewhere like that. They spent another minute with that woman and then had to go to break.
Gary and Jon spent a little more time talking about George Carlin. Gary talked about how he used to sneak around listening to Carlin's albums and his parents never would have let him listen if they knew that it had the F-word on it.
Jon said he had some more calls about Cindy Margolis' appearance today so he wanted to take those. One caller said that Double A's new name should be ''Absolute Asshole'' because he couldn't have been serious acting like that in front of a woman. Gary said that he can't believe that his lines work on any chicks but Artie told him that they do.
Gary also said that Double A has gained a lot of weight and he's acting like he's a trim and fit guy but he's really not.
Another caller said that Double A is a jackass and he's not sure why Howard puts him on the show. He said that they should give 3 people who have never had the chance to be on the show. Gary said they're doing a comedy show and they put him on because it's funny. The caller said that Double A is an asshole though. Gary said that's why it's funny. Jon said that they were cracking up in the back every time Double A said anything to Cindy.
The alternate guy, Will, called in so Gary explained to us what an alternate is. Will said that he really wanted to get in on the contest. Will said that Ralph said that he had never even heard of Howard until a few months ago when he bought his car with SIRIUS in it.
Will said that he got to say hello to Cindy after the game. Benjy said that he looked like he was really into her too. Gary said that Will probably had a whole scenario in his head about how he could have gotten her. Will said he kind of did.
Another caller said that Double A cracks him up. He said it was funny when they busted that guy Ralph for saying that he wasn't even there for Cindy. Another caller asked why they didn't try to get her on the Sybian. Gary said that she doesn't appear naked on the show so it might be hard to get her on that thing. He said she did seem to have a new attitude today though so maybe she would do it.
Jon asked the guys if the 3 kids would be a deal breaker. Benjy said that he thinks he'd be the deal breaker, not the kids. Gary asked him if he ever dated anyone with kids. Benjy said that he did but the kids never met him.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk to Belzer earlier but he didn't get the chance. Gary said that Belzer doesn't like looking at other women and he actually walked out of his bachelor party many years ago.
Another caller said she thought that Robin was defending Hanzi a lot for smoking pot so maybe she's smoking it herself. Gary said that he's not sure that she's into that stuff because she went to Amsterdam with him one time and she didn't have any interest in it.
Another guy said he thought that it was kind of messed up to claim that Ralph was gay when they were doing the dating game. Gary said that's what the guys were trying to do to win that date.
Jon had David the Subway guy on the phone. Gary told him that they want him to come back in because Howard really liked him on the show today. Dave said that he's going to do a pizza challenge next time he's on.
Another caller said that he thought Cindy's voice was really annoying on the air today. Gary said she sounded the same to him. The caller said that her tone was really annoying. Benjy said that she sounds kind of like a transsexual to him. Gary didn't notice that so Jon replayed the clip to him.
Gary said he was hearing it now that they replayed it. She sounded very much like Chyna the wrestler. Benjy said that she has a tiny nose so maybe she had surgery or something.
Another caller said he was annoyed with Belzer and how he was talking over Robin's news today. Gary said that Belzer and Gilbert Gottfried are two guys who have free reign over Robin's news. She just puts her head down and plows through it when they're on.
Benjy asked if they think that Belzer is going to get crap for doing a joke about ''towel heads'' during the news. Gary said that he's known for doing that stuff over the years and he doesn't think he'll get any crap. That led to the guys talking about how many shows Belzer has been in playing the part of Detective Munch. They brought up the X-Files, all of the Law and Order shows, The Wire and others.
Another caller brought up George Carlin and said that he didn't think that he was all that popular. The guys talked about how popular his HBO specials were.
Gary read some more about Belzer's appearances in TV shows and said that he was also in Arrested Development. Benjy thought that was pretty wild that he played that Munch character in a different genre of show.
Another caller complained about Cindy being a whore and holding in all of this stuff over the years. Another guy complained about the Subway sandwiches and went off on them for the color of their roast beef. He was going nuts complaining about the sandwich and Gary picked up on his New York accent and said that he must stick out like a sore thumb out in Michigan.
Jon took one last call from a guy who said that he finds it hard to believe that Benjy had an affair with a married woman. Gary said that Benjy does okay and he does date a lot of women. Benjy said that he didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to talk about how pissed Robin got with the wedding discussion. He said that she was really upset that she's not going to the ''real'' wedding. Gary said he's not sure what's going on with those two and he never knows. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about Imus who is in trouble again with his radio show. Howard said the guy is getting senile or something. He played the comment that got him into trouble. It was a clip where Warner Wolf was talking about sports and Imus is talking to him about Adam ''Pacman'' Jones and makes a racial comment about him getting arrested so much because he's black. Imus is now claiming that he was saying that because he was trying to defend the guy and saying that the reason he gets picked on is because he's African American.
Robin said that she thinks that this happens to him because he's just not funny. Howard said that Imus is trying to be brilliant but he was never brilliant or witty. He said that he wasn't doing talk radio until he saw Howard doing his show.
Howard said that Imus is now an old man and he's trying to be witty and it just comes out wrong. He did an impression of Imus, who is sounding really old now, and goofed on him about this latest controversy. Howard said that the guy sounds really exhausted now and the impression Fred does makes Imus sound too young and full of life.
Howard replayed the Imus clip and said that if he had half a brain the guy wouldn't even bring up the word black and he wouldn't ask what color the guy was. He said that maybe he needs the money or something. He said he thinks the guy has lost it at this point and ABC must be shitting their pants hearing this. He said that they shelled out a lot of money to bring that guy back on the air.
Robin said that Imus is supposed to be talking about what he meant with that comment today on his show. Howard did his impression of Imus again and made him fall asleep in the middle of his show. Howard said you need to have some energy and actually be funny when you do a show like that. Fred played some of Artie's snoring clip as they were going through that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Imus is a senile old racist coot. Howard said that the guy just doesn't have the energy to explain what he meant with his comment. The explanation that Imus is giving for the comment makes no sense when you hear what he actually said on the air. Howard said that he really didn't explain anything when he said ''that explains it'' when Warner Wolf told him that Jones was African American.
Howard asked who the hell is even listening to that show. Robin said that it's funny when you see him in his cowboy hat, it makes him look like someone dressed him up in a costume.
Howard showed Robin a picture of Jimmy Paige and Beatrice Arthur and they look very much the same. He said that's what happens when you get old. Imus is getting to that point too.
Howard did the new impression of Imus some more and goofed on him as he took some phone calls. One guy said that Imus is going to run out of black people to come on his show and support him. Today he's going to have Dick Gregory on the show to help him out with his comments.
Howard played a clip of Sal going out and interviewing some people about Imus' last on-air screw up. All of the people he interviewed were upset with Imus' comments and went off on him. The caller on the line said it's funny that the people Sal was interviewing didn't know that Sal was a racist himself.
The caller asked Howard if he could get on the show but when he didn't have any ideas of what to do, Howard hung up on him and told him it's not up to him to come up with things for him to do.
Howard talked about some of the stuff that he was thinking about with these candidates. He read through some e-mail he got about the John McCain and Barack Obama and people were telling him to shut the fuck up about that stuff when he doesn't have his facts straight.
The caller said that anyone who doesn't vote is a jerk off. He asked where Artie was today. Howard hung up on him after saying he was there.
Hook Nose Mike called in and said that he's been breaking his ass working down in Florida. He said he heard Doug on Bubba's show yesterday talking about the wedding special on Howard TV. Howard said that was kind of old stuff there. The guys told him that it was a repeat he heard yesterday.
Mike said that Imus only gets publicity when he does something stupid. Howard said that's right and he gets zero ratings. Mike said he didn't even know the guy was back on radio. Howard had to bail on Mike because he had some kind of noise going on behind him.
Bobo called in and asked Howard if the sex is better now with Beth than when they first met. Howard said there was more foreplay when they first started going out. They didn't have sex for two weeks when they started dating. He said that they went to Dominic's house and Beth told him it still wasn't time to do it. Howard said he packed some rubbers just in case and they went at it in every room of that house out there.
Howard said they had sex last night while they were watching the 2 hour Bachelorette show. He said that the show was one of the best episodes yet. He said it's coming down to the wire. Robin said she had to bail out of it when she tried to watch it. Howard said that they started watching it on their TiVo and they caught up with the commercials. He said he started to give Beth a little action and then they started doing it yet again.
Howard said that it's been 8 years now and he thinks that it's going to be great with her. He said that Beth has been telling him about this wedding dress she's going to be wearing and it's going to be something else to see it.
Howard said he went to Tom Ford where he's having his wedding suit made. He was there with his buddy Tony and he dresses really sharp. He said that Tony told him that he didn't look fabulous enough in the suit. Howard said he had the 3 piece suit made for him but it wasn't enough according to Tony. Howard said he told him that he doesn't even look like he belongs up there with Beth to begin with.
Howard said that Tony told him that Tom Ford should be designing the suit for him himself. He said that Tony is going to hook him up with the man himself and see what happens. Howard said he saw a suit there that was a little flashier than he was looking for but he's not sure if he should be wearing it.
Bobo asked if Howard has ever gone in bare back with Beth in a heated moment of passion. Howard said that he thinks that he may have done that a couple of times. He said that he just pulls out and he knows it's kind of dopey to do that. He said that he has spectacular control and he can do that. Then he said that he really has no control at all and things can come out of you even when you don't finish in there.
Howard said that he knows that's risky because Beth has told him she won't get an abortion if she does get pregnant.
Bobo asked if Jackie Martling is going to be invited to the wedding. Howard said that's a good question because he can't decide on who should be coming to the wedding. He doesn't think he would invite Jackie to the wedding. He said they don't hang out anymore since Jackie left the show. He said that they have had dinner but he doesn't have a relationship with Beth and they don't know him that well anymore.
Robin asked Artie how long he's been there. Artie said it's been 7 and a half years. That's about how long Jackie has been gone.
Howard said that Jackie once went out with him and Beth but she never really got to know him very well. Howard said that maybe he could get in if he wrote an essay to get in on it. He said that no one has even sent him one yet. Howard said he heard that Benjy was working on one after they talked about it yesterday.
Benjy said that he was thinking about walking into the wedding and being asked if he was with the bride or the groom and he could just say ''No, I won the essay contest...''
Robin asked Howard if he met Benjy's mother when she was there the other day. Howard said he missed her because he had an appointment to get to. He said he heard that she was really classy looking and looked kind of like Jackie Onasis.
Bobo asked if Howard is getting married on the beach like Fred did. Howard said that he's not. Robin asked about their rings. Howard said that Beth has her ring ready to go but he's getting a tattoo on his finger instead. He said he wants to turn his wedding into something like Lollapalooza where people can go and get tattoos and do wild stuff like that.
Howard said that Phoebe Snow is going to be performing at the wedding. He said there are a couple of people who are going to perform at the wedding. He said that Phoebe might make him cry at the wedding. He said that he saw her doing a show not too long ago and it was so emotional that he's thinking he might just cry during the wedding.
Howard told the story about Phoebe and her daughter who had a lot of medical problems. The girl was supposed to die young but she ended up living to 32. He said that Phoebe loved her unconditionally and it wrecked Phoebe. He said that Phoebe thinks she has no purpose in her life since her daughter died. He said that Phoebe offered to sing a song to him at his wedding and he told her he'd be honored.
Robin said that Bobo was sounding like he was under water or something. Bobo said that it was his salt water aquarium. He said he's got all kinds of fish and sharks in there. It's a 72 gallon tank that he takes care of himself. He said he's been doing that for 30 some years now.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he saw some pictures of Beth from the ugliest dog contest and she was looking really good. Howard said that she went out to do that show in San Francisco. He's not sure when it's going to air though. Howard said he asked Beth if she wore anything hot and she said she didn't. They dressed her down for the show. The caller told Howard he's definitely a lucky man.
The caller said he's been waiting to get Howard TV out there for a while now and the cable company is telling him that they're waiting for some kind of download. Howard told the guy he'd look into that for him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's going to ruin everything he's bragging about if he gets married. He said that Howard has given all of these other guys lectures about doing this and he's going to ruin it if he does it. Howard said he's going to take the risk and if it doesn't work out they'll get divorced.
The caller said that Howard is sounding a lot like Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton with their vial of blood. Howard said that getting a tattoo isn't the same as keeping vials of blood around your neck. He said he knows that he fucked up his first marriage good but he's hoping that this one works out.
Robin said she heard that Pam Anderson is back together with Tommy Lee. Howard said she's going to be on the show soon so they can ask her about that then.
Another caller told Howard that he liked Hanzi on the show yesterday. Howard then read through some e-mail about Hanzi and some people thought that he wasn't all that good. There were other people who thought that they were bullying Hanzi when he called in.
Howard said he got an e-mail from someone asking Robin what the name of the magazine is that she was in. Robin wasn't even sure what it was. She said it was something like 40° x 74°. Howard thought she knew the name but wasn't coming out with it for some reason.
Howard read some more mail about Robin and then some about Cindy Margolis. One guy said that Cindy is a bullshitter and she's become irrelevant so that's why she's coming out and doing the nude shoots now. Other people went off on her about using her looks to manipulate people.
There were some people who hated Double A on the show yesterday. Howard read through some of that feedback and people were asking that he never be on the show again.
Richie from Howard TV came in and said that the date was pretty uneventful. He said that Cindy called his job for him and when she handed the phone back to the guy, it had a layer of make up on it that he had to wipe off with his finger. Other than that it was pretty uneventful.
Howard read some mail about the George Carlin discussion and some people were upset that they kept the guy off the show over the years.
Some people wrote in about Belzer and were glad to have him back on the show. Some people didn't like him on and said that they'd never listen again if he was on. Howard said that he heard that about 95 percent of those e-mails were positive about Belzer.
The caller said that he called John the Stutterer last night and got him all worked up about Scott DePace. Howard said he has to get some clips from that show to listen to.
Imus claims he was just making a point with Warner Wolf when he asked about what color he was. Howard said that he should have said that at the time then instead of explaining it a day later. Howard played more of the audio and then Imus said that people should be upset that black people are being arrested so much and being picked on.
Howard said that Imus is so gone now. He said that Sharpton isn't going to fall for this one. He said that the guy should just quit now and retire. He said he's got enough money now and he can ride off into the sunset and go away.
Imus went on to explain how he has black people working on his show and he would never make a comment like people think he would. He said that he talks about that stuff all the time. He wondered why no one reports on that. Howard said that it's because the guy's show is a bore fest. Howard said that they're going to get him for this one and he's full of shit. He said he doesn't care if the guy is on the air or not but the guy is a moron and he thinks that people are going to understand what he's talking about.
Howard didn't understand some of what Imus was saying. Imus was talking about people going out to night clubs and how you should expect them to have guns. Howard wondered what the hell he was talking about.
Howard replayed the clip of Imus talking to Warner Wolf about Pacman Jones and not being clear with his thoughts. He said that he should be able to articulate what he means, he's on radio after all. He said that it's like the ramblings of a senile old coot.
Fred and Howard were doing impressions of Imus almost using the N-word. They had some fun with that and goofed on the guy's dopey comments.
JD said that Imus is actually out at his ranch doing his show. Howard said that guy has a better fuckin deal than he does. He wondered how he worked that out. Howard said that the guy is on another planet when he does his show now and that's why no one can understand what he's talking about.
Howard replayed Imus' explanation of what he said and goofed on him some more. He talked about how Charles McCord was kissing Imus' ass during the discussion and agreeing with everything he was saying.
Howard had some fun goofing on Imus and talking about how he only sounds animated when he's defending himself. Ralph called in and said that this is great but Imus' explanation makes no sense because that Pacman guy is obviously out of control.
Howard and Fred did their impressions of Imus some more and goofed on those comments some more. Howard was making stuff up that Imus might say.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he had ever met an Imus listener. Howard said that he has never met one as far as he knows. He said he knows of no one who actually listens to that guy.
Howard played a prank call the guys made using Imus audio clips. They called a guy and had Imus explaining his last on-air screw up that got him fired.
Artie thought those clips were great and he would love to hear that whole thing. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he gets bored with the Imus stuff but he has to agree that he has to talk about this thing. Howard said that the calls he's getting sound like they all have a lot of background noise in them.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he has a friend who has a grandfather who has dementia and he goes out to porn stores and drops his pants and stuff like that. He said that the guy sounds a lot like Imus. Dominic said that Imus really sounds like he's out of it.
Dominic also asked Howard if he has to write an essay to get in on his wedding. Howard told him he does but then Robin reminded him that Dominic was key to his relationship in the beginning. Howard said he has to have him there then. He said he knows Dominic is going to be annoying though. He figured he could get him to pay for the whole wedding though.
Howard said that they had Anal Ring Toss coming up. He told Artie he had to defend his title of King of the Anal Rings. He said they don't have a celebrity to play though. He said that Joan Rivers was coming in so maybe she'd do it. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Lisa G was there and maybe she could play Artie in Anal Ring Toss. She came in and Howard asked her if she would be willing to play the game with Artie. He said that they don't have a celebrity there to play so they need someone to play against Artie.
Howard said that the girl who will have the anal ring toss thing in her ass is able to queef when they get a ring on the stick. He told Lisa that if she wins the game she could come to his wedding. Lisa said that she thinks she should be able to go to the wedding as a reporter. Gary said that Steve Langford would probably be the one there that day. Howard said he's not sure if he's going to have any of the news team there. If Lisa steps up and plays this game though, she might get in.
Lisa said that the wedding is a news event and they should be allowed to cover it. Howard said he's going to disband the news department then. He said he doesn't want them covering the wedding. He said that he just wants Lisa to play the game.
Howard told Lisa that he'll have her at the wedding as a guest, not even as a reporter. Lisa sounded interested in that. Gary said that Lisa always gets a bad rap on the Wrap Up Show for not being a team player and this would change that. Lisa said that she won't go into the room when 8 men are bashing her on that show.
Lisa said that she didn't feel that comfortable playing Anal Ring Toss. She said that she does have good aim though and she thinks she could do well. Howard said he thought it would be kind of fun but he wasn't going to force it on her. Lisa passed on playing. He said that he's going to ban the news team from his wedding because of that.
Howard asked Lisa what she had coming up today. Lisa said that Lisa Lampanelli is going to be doing a TV pilot this fall with Jim Carrey. Howard said he was very happy for her.
Howard said that he heard that they're bringing back the show ''In Treatment'' and he's happy about that because he thought it was one of the greatest shows on TV. He said that the Bachelorette is better than that show though. He spent a minute talking about what's going on with that show. He said it shows how stupid people can be. He said that the Bachelorette is fairly attractive but she's got a big, fat ass.
Howard said that the guys this Bachelorette has are like models and they're not going to marry her. They're just caught up in the TV show. He talked about the one guy that has a kid on the show and the third guy who is a professional snow boarder. He said that the guy is 27-28 years old and probably doesn't have a pot to piss in. He said the guy lives in a shack and he has hundreds of snow boards on his walls as decorations. He said that guy needs to go out and get a job.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks that Lisa takes a lot of shit on the show but this is no big deal to throw a ring at a girl's ass. He asked her what the big deal is. Lisa said that she's not comfortable playing in the game. Lisa said that she's not comfortable playing.
Howard told Lisa that she's not going to be invited to his wedding if she doesn't play and win. He said that he doesn't have a lot of room in this wedding and the news team isn't going to come. Artie said that she couldn't win against him anyway. He said that no chick is going to beat him in that game. That led to the guys asking Lisa what she could beat Artie at. She said she could beat him in a race. Howard didn't even believe that. He said that Artie could probably win.
Artie told Lisa that on the night of Howard's wedding that she should go out with some dude and have her own life. Lisa said that this is an event and of course she wants to go.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Lisa to play the Anal Ring Toss and just make Artie look bad. Fred played a bunch of crow cawing sounds as she was screaming at Lisa.
Lisa got back to her news preview and said they have some things about George Takei's upcoming wedding and how he's going to invite Howard to that. Howard said he won't be going if it's in California.
Lisa said that they have some updates on Wolfie's distorted view of what Gary does there because he saw Gary approving bits in their office and he never does that. Gary said that those guys are nuts.
Howard asked Lisa if there was any way she was going to play Anal Ring Toss. She didn't like the strings that were attached. She said that if she wins she should get to go to the wedding and not risk losing something in the game. Howard said that he has to get something out of it if she loses.
Howard told Lisa that he'll give her Scott's gold star to wear on her head if she wins. She doesn't have to do anything if she loses. He's not going to have her to the wedding though. Howard let Lisa go and gave up on trying to get her to play the game.
Howard said that they had AJ the Anal Ring Toss girl coming in next. He still didn't know who was going to play against Artie in the game though. Artie said that someone like Jon Hein or Will could play.
Howard said that this AJ Morgan had some body. Will had to walk her in because her heels were so high that she had trouble walking. AJ said that she was there last time and she had blonde hair. That time they had the Iron Sheik playing the game.
Howard read that AJ does some porn movies and she was in one called ''AJ the OC Slut.'' She said that she's 21 years old and she's made 6 porn movies. AJ said that she made those in less than a year and a half. Howard played a clip of AJ getting banged in a movie by this guy Chester Molester. AJ said that he's really good in bed. In the clip she has the anal ring toss butt plug in and the guy finishes all over her butt plug. Howard asked where the mess was made. She said that it was on her butt and butt plug and it was very fun.
Howard asked if the butt plug makes the sex act more pleasurable. AJ just said ''Oh my god'' when asked about that. AJ said that Chester actually introduced her to anal sex and it's great.
Howard asked AJ how long it took her to get into the anal. She said that she enjoys it and the first time the penis just kind of fell in there. She said that she was grossed out by it growing up but now she's into it. She said that she gets an enema before she does the scenes. She said that they have to do it a lot to make sure it's cleared out back there. She said that it takes like an hour to get it done right.
Howard said that Artie wanted to defend his title today. He asked the guys out in the office if anyone wanted to play. Sal came running in and wanted to play but he's not going to get in on the wedding no matter what. He said that Beth wants nothing to do with him. AJ asked if she could play Anal Ring Toss at his wedding. Howard said he would love to do that.
the Intern Brandano came in to play for the chance to get into the wedding. Howard told him that Sal had to slap him in the face with his cock again. Steve said he can't do that again. Howard told him that he has to do that. Sal said that they have something better though. He said that he just got finished taking a crap and he thinks that they should make Steve sniff his and Richard's asses. Steve said he's not doing that or anything with Sal's ass or dick. Sal had offered to paint a moustache on his face with his penis but that's not going to fly either.
Steve said he's trying to help the bit and not trying to get in on the wedding so much. Howard thanked him and let him go. Will wasn't willing to take a dick to his face either. Jason said that he would love to go to Howard's wedding but not for the consequences of the game. He said that he's not looking for any of that gay stuff and he's not up for it.
Howard said that AJ is also a queefer and very beautiful. He asked her when she lost her virginity. She said that was at 16. Howard also found out that she's got a girlfriend and her name is Cat. She said that she has been on the show before too. Howard asked her how she made the move on her. AJ wasn't sure.
Howard read that AJ can lactate on demand and can squirt some breast milk. AJ said that she's not pregnant but she can make milk and used to be able to shoot it across the room. Sal said that he'd take some milk in his coffee if she wanted to do that. She agreed to do that and took her top off.
Howard said that her boobs were really big. She said that they're a 34 DD now and they used to be a 32 D. She said that they just filled her up.
AJ squirted her milk and the guys said that it went pretty far. Sal got hit with some of that. She said that it sometimes comes out and sometimes doesn't. She had the guys laughing when she shot the milk. AJ said that the doctor told her that the sucking on her breasts when she was younger made her body think that she had a baby and that led to her lactating. Howard said that was something else.
Howard said that since no one else wanted to play against Artie he was going to play himself. Artie said that if Howard doesn't win he shouldn't have to go to his own wedding. Howard said that sounded okay to him. Sal asked him if he'd take a dick to the face. Howard told him he's not going to do that.
Sal suggested that they have Richard play the game for the chance to go to the wedding. Richard said he would play after finding out that he and his girlfriend could go. If Richard lost he was going to have to sniff Sal's recently shit ass ten times. Richard agreed to that pretty quick.
Howard asked AJ to demonstrate her queef. She said that she had to lay on her back to get the air in there. Howard asked her to do it for them so they could hear it. She got on the floor and sucked in some air and then queefed. Howard told her that she's a lot of fun.
Howard asked AJ if she had a strange childhood or anything to lead her to do this porn. She said that she didn't have anything bad at all. She said that her family found out what she was doing when her boyfriend told her sister what she was doing. She said her family got kind of upset that she didn't tell them herself.
Howard said they were going to be throwing 7 rings at AJ's stick. AJ said she had to do something before she put the stick in her ass. She took a dildo and deep throated that. Then Howard asked her to try and talk while it was in there but she said that she can't because it blocks her airway.
Howard had AJ get down on the floor and prepare for this. Artie said that he liked the way it was working because she could see what was going on. That way she was prepared to queef if the guys got the ring on the stick.
Artie started off the game and missed the first, second, third and fourth shots. Then he got the fifth one and AJ queefed for the one he did get. Artie got the next one as well so AJ queefed again. Artie had one more and ended up getting that one as well with another queef confirming the hit.
Artie said that he was a little rusty but he did get 3 in a row there at the end. Richard said that he was already feeling Sal's stinky ass hairs on his nose.
Richard went and got his first ring on. He got the second one and then the third. Then he hit his fourth ring and won the chance to go to Howard's wedding. Richard missed the fifth, sixth and seventh. Richard is the new Lord of the Anal Rings.
Howard said that maybe it was Artie's weight gain that made him lose. Artie said that this is bullshit and he could complain about no practice but Richard didn't have any either. Artie said it had been about four years since he won that title of Lord of the Anal Rings. He handed over his title to Richard after that.
Howard gave AJ some more plugs and said that they weren't going to be smelling Sal's ass today. Richard said that he was willing to do it even though he won.
Artie said that he doesn't get Richard and why he'd want to sniff Sal's ass. Richard said he knows that people wanted him to do it and he loves the show so he's going through with it. Howard said that whenever they do stuff like that they get the most views on Howard TV. Artie kept saying that he just doesn't get this. Richard said he doesn't get it either.
Sal's hemorrhoid was sticking out so Richard pointed that out. Richard went in for a sniff and then started to dry heave. He said he smelled nothing but shit. Richard went in for the rest of the 10 sniffs and did them really quick and almost threw up. Howard asked AJ to go over and sniff but she didn't want to do it. She said that she was going to puke just looking at Richard almost puking.
Richard said that Sal was flexing his hemorrhoid and it was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. AJ didn't want to sniff him but Howard asked her to do it anyway. She said there was toilet paper stuck in his ass but Richard said that was actually his hemorrhoid. She almost went in for a sniff but Howard said it wasn't close enough.
AJ said that she didn't smell anything so they had her go in for a second sniff. She said ''Ohh, that's gross!'' and then the guys said that Sal had just shit the floor. Sal said he was trying to fart and he ended up shitting instead. The guys were all laughing their asses off when they saw that. Robin said it's like she works with dogs.
Sal asked Artie to offer Richard some money to take that turd and make a moustache out of it. Artie told him to get away from him. Will was ready to puke and the guys were all looking at his hemorrhoid and freaking out.
Howard told Richard he'd see him at his wedding and wrapped up with AJ. Sal grabbed her towel and was going to wipe his ass with it. He then just used it as a ''manpon'' to make sure he didn't get anything else on the floor.
Howard asked AJ what she does at the bachelor parties and stuff. She said that they have a lot of fun doing the anal ring toss. She said that no guys shit on the floor. She said that she'll lactate and give lap dances and squirt the guys in the face if they want it. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he saw that Joan was going to be on the new Family Feud game show up against Ice T's family. Joan came in a few seconds later and said that it was great to see him. Howard told her that she's looking really good.
Joan said that she's doing a documentary on her life and she wants Howard to say hello to the woman who is doing the documentary. Howard said that they should have told them that she was bringing her in and they could have found out some more about her. Joan said that she was told no when she asked to bring her in.
The guys brought in Rickie Stern so Howard asked her about what she has learned about Joan since she started doing this documentary. Rickie said she found out that Joan has a better sex life than most 18 year olds. She said that the film is up for grabs right now.
Howard asked what they're going to see in this movie. Rickie said that they're going to film her over a year and make something with that footage. Joan sounded thrilled by the whole thing. Howard said it must cost a tremendous amount to make a film like that. He said that they have to have a crew on her 24 hours a day for a year. This is a major production. Joan said that she's an icon and she gets no respect when she comes on the show.
Howard said that Joan has been waiting her whole life for something like this. He asked if she signed an agreement with the company or something. Joan said she hasn't done that yet. Howard asked her if she feels she has to do outrageous stuff now that she's on camera. Joan said she doesn't feel that way at all.
Howard said that this is fascinating and he hopes it turns out interesting and does well for Joan. He asked Rickie how she came up with this whole thing. She said that Joan is an icon so they felt that they should make this movie.
Rickie said that she was on a short list of nominees for an Academy Award but didn't actually make it into the awards. Howard told her to come back when she's a winner. He spent a few more seconds with her and then let her go. Howard said that Rickie could look really good if she put some make up on and got dressed up a little bit.
Howard asked Joan about this Celebrity Family Feud thing. Joan said that she's on tonight. Joan said that she and Melissa are in the show and they play against Ice T and his family. Howard asked Joan if she brought her mother on with her. She said that she died and that was very cruel. Joan said that she plays against Raven Simone's family as well.
Howard said that he'd love a job like that where he hosts a game show. He said he told that to Al Roker when he was on the show a while back. Al is hosting the new Family Feud. Howard said he's looking forward to seeing Kathie Lee Gifford and her family on the show. He said they should have them play against Susan Johnson's family. That's the woman who Frank cheated on Kathie Lee with.
Howard said that Joan was in the newspaper today for writing about George Carlin. Joan said that she and George started out together. She said that they were all working down in the Village together and they had no idea they were going to be so big. Howard asked Joan if she got it on with any of those guys. Joan said that she didn't look so good back then and she didn't like comics, she liked actors.
Howard asked Joan about George Carlin changing his look and what she thought about that. Joan said that she thought he was ruining his career at the time but he just went to his own beat and that was it. She said that she didn't think that he was going to get on Ed Sullivan's show or anything like that but she was wrong. He did amazing after that.
Howard asked Joan about seeing George die and if it's scary to see that happen. Joan said that it's all golden time for her now and she's counting down the days. Joan said that she's at the top of her game now and she's just going forward.
Howard asked Joan who she would like to talk about her when she dies. She said that she'd like Howard and Peter Tildon to do that.
Joan told Howard that she was going to do Larry King last night but they had some other people ahead of her and she was going to go out to a dinner party. She said that she told them that if they didn't need her then she was going to pass. She figured that they didn't really need to have her answer two questions. She knew George better than Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Maher but those two got exclusive time on the air with Larry.
Joan talked about working with George. She said that he was so good that he took her breath away. Joan said that he was captivating and amazing at what he did. She said that Lenny Bruce is first on her list, then Richard Pryor, Dame Edna and on the same line Carlin and Robin Williams. She said that Robin is there even though people accuse him of stealing material. She thinks that he's brilliant though.
Howard asked Joan if she ever banged Lenny Bruce. Joan said that he did make a pass at her but she didn't sleep with him.
Joan also talked about the show she did over in London where she called Russell Crow a ''fucking asshole'' and ended up getting kicked off the show. They didn't have a delay on the show and they ended up escorting her out of the building. She said that two security guards came in and walked her right out of there. Joan said that she almost cried when that happened.
Howard said he had a similar incident on the Arsenio Hall show. He said that they ushered him out of there after he gave it to the FOX executives over there. He said that he had put the blame for Joan's husband's death on the execs over there and then they escorted him off during the break. Joan agreed that it was their fault. Howard said that he couldn't even believe he was in show business at that point. Howard said that he had Gary bumped up to first class on the flight home so he could talk about that but Gary ended up falling asleep on him.
Howard asked Joan about her friend Barbra Streissand and talked to her about that for a short time. Joan told some stories about her not even knowing that she's in the business anymore.
Howard gave Joan some plugs for some stuff she's doing. She's going to be down in Atlantic City this weekend at Harrah's. She's making some other appearances around the area.
Howard asked Joan about her dog Lulu that died. He heard that she laid her hands on her as if she was some kind of healer. Joan said that she was a great dog but she lost a leg and she died of cancer. She said that she sat there with the dog asking God to please help the dog but they had to put her down the next day. Howard told her that maybe she should have just taken her to a vet. Joan was getting upset talking about the dog but she did joke about it a little bit.
Howard asked Joan if she contacted that guy James Van Prag and asked him to contact the dog in heaven. Joan said that is not true. She did try to contact her husband Edgar though. Joan said that she'd like to believe that it's true you can contact people.
Howard started to wrap up with Joan and said that she's actually invited to the wedding. He asked her who she's going to vote for. Joan said that she hates them both. She hasn't made up her mind but she will probably vote for Barack. Howard said he will probably go that way himself but he's not sure yet.
Howard said he read that Joan has made $500 million selling her jewelry on QVC. Joan said she wouldn't be selling her country house if that was true. She said that she had to buy her company back and she's been paying that off for years.
Howard asked Joan if she ever slept with a black man. She said she never had but she wished she had. Howard went through what they had learned today with Joan. He said that it must be shocking for her to be with these old guys that she's with. Joan said that you have to keep the lights low and it is kind of gross. She said that it must be gross for them to be with her too though.
Howard asked Joan if she thinks that Larry King is still able to get it up. Joan said that at this point she thinks that even Larry looks good. Howard gave her some more plugs and then wrapped up and went to break. You can get tickets for Joan's appearance at The Cutting Room at CuttingRoomNYC.com
Howard said that the laugh that Larry does is kind of fake sounding. Robin said that he was doing that the other day with Lewis Black and it seemed that he was making it up even though Lewis wasn't even being that funny.
Howard said that he's a SAG member because he made the movie Private Parts. He said he's been a member over the years and hasn't backed out of it. Gary is in SAG as well. They get these ballots to vote on stuff and he never votes himself. Gary got a pre-recorded message from Ed Asner asking him to vote a certain way. He played the clip where Asner asks the members of the union to vote no on this contract.
Howard said that Gary told him that if Ed Asner are telling him to vote, he figured he'd vote the way they suggested. Artie said he voted no too but not because of Asner's message. Artie said that Asner is right about this thing. He said he got a check for $840 for Old School and a bunch of money for Mystery Men too. He said that they're trying to get rid of residuals for new media and that's not a good thing. Artie said that people who act in the stuff on the web aren't getting paid and it's not right.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Joan really hits a home run when she's in there. Howard said that they love her.
Howard said there's a lot going on with the Booey contest. He said that they're looking for the ultimate song parody in the contest.
Howard got in some plugs for Jackie's Joke Hunt and Riley Martin's radio shows that are on Howard 101 tonight at 7pm and Midnight.
Howard asked Gary if he's into Star Wars at all. Gary said he's into it a little bit but not as much as Star Trek. He told Howard about the episode that he liked and Howard didn't even remember the episode. Gary said that was from the TOS (The Original Series) which Robin pointed out to Howard. Howard asked Gary if his family is stressed that he spends so much time with that Star Trek stuff. He said that his wife does get kind of annoyed.
Howard asked the caller, Gary, what he does for a living. He's a security guard. Howard asked him what he guards. He said that it's a government center. Howard asked him if he pretends that he's guarding the Enterprise. He said that he doesn't really do that but sometimes he will say ''Kirk to bridge'' at night when he's all alone working on the computer.
Howard said he had George Takei on the phone to talk to him about this float. It was audio clips of George and the guys in the back were jerking this guy Gary around. Gary knew it wasn't really George. He said that he's met George on a couple of occasions and he was very nice to him.
Howard said that Gary might have to come in and do his impressions for them in the studio. He was doing his Captain Kirk impression and goofing around with that.
Howard asked Gary what he does for the group out there in Indianapolis. He said that he is a commander in the group and hasn't become an admiral yet. Gary said that he's working on getting that position though. Howard asked him how far his troops would go for him.
Gary was talking about some of the group he works with and how most of them are married. The George Takei clips were still on the line and they had him laughing and goofing on this guy.
Gary (Baba Booey) said that he had some pictures from this guy's Myspace page that he had to check out. He worked on getting those to Howard while he continued to talk to Commander Gary. Howard checked out the pictures a few seconds later and said ''shame on you'' when he saw them dressed as Spock and Kirk. Artie laughed his ass off when he saw the pictures.
Howard asked if they could follow them around with a camera. Commander Gary said that would be fine. He said that they're getting their group together in Cincinnati this weekend. Howard let him go a short time later.
Steve said that they're shuffling around some of the stations there at SIRIUS and said that you can find out more at SIRIUS.com/channelchange. Howard wondered why they would do something like that. Steve didn't have an answer for that.
Howard talked about listening to the Spa channel the other day. He had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon went through his list of stuff they'd be covering today.
The wedding discussion led to Howard asking Artie if he'd be willing to do a toast at the wedding. Artie said that he was touched to hear that and he'd like to do it for him. He said that it would be a lot of pressure though. Howard said that they were going to ask maybe 2 or 3 people to say something and Artie is the man for public speaking. He suggested doing 5 or 6 minutes worth but he was just kidding.
Howard said he was thinking of asking JD to make a speech. He said that he'd have him to the wedding if he would make a speech. Artie said he couldn't follow that because it would be the funniest thing ever. Artie said he can't follow JD or Phoebe Snow.
Robin read a story about a teacher who was caught having sex with her underage students. She went through that and then Howard brought up the party that Robin threw where she had JD, Will and Jason taking people's coats. Artie thought that they only got paid in tips. JD said he thinks that Robin gave them a few bucks. JD said that some people didn't tip and Gary said that it was probably best left unsaid. Howard figured it was Mel Karmazin who didn't tip him. Gary didn't tip him either.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a country singer who is Muslim. She had Howard play some of his stuff. That led to the guys talking about how Jewel has become a country singer. Robin had some clips of Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Maher talking about George Carlin's death. That led to Artie talking about another great bit that George did about the differences between baseball and football. Robin had some audio of David Letterman talking about George Carlin on his show last night. She also had Jackie Mason and some others talking about Carlin.
Howard said it was odd how they weren't able to find anyone who didn't like George Carlin. All of those clips were people who liked the guy. Howard said that maybe Pat Cooper would have bad mouthed him. Artie told him he should invite anyone who wants to bad mouth the guy to come on the show. Howard said maybe he'll do that.
Robin read through some more stories about John McCain, Barack Obama, some girls who were involved with a pregnancy pact, the new Family Feud and more.
The Family Feud story led to Artie saying that his buddy Norm MacDonald is going to be part of the new Match Game. Robin said that she was offered a shot at being on the show but she turned it down.
Robin played some clips from some of the people who will be part of the new Family Feud. She had some news about Adam ''Pacman'' Jones and the Don Imus controversy. Robin had some clips of Alan Arkin and The Rock talking about the new Get Smart movie. She had a few other clips that she went through like one from Verne Troyer. They ended the show around 10:35am.
Jon went over the stuff they were going to try and cover today and then started the guys off talking about the Anal Ring Toss thing. He asked Gary why they had so much trouble finding a contestant today. Gary said that they booked it weeks ago and they were going to get someone to do it but they didn't have any B-celebrities who wanted to do it.
Gary said that he had to ask people to play the game and it's an embarrassing call to make. He said that you don't think much of it if you're a fan of the show. He said that Steve Gutenberg stepped up and took the challenge and he's the only celebrity to ever do it. He said that it's hard to book someone for something like that.
Gary said that they were going to see if Joan wanted to do it but they had to feel it out first. He said that she's a good friend of the show and she might not take it the right way if they had asked her to play.
Jon talked about AJ's lactating and how that went down. Richard said that she's got a few talents like squirting and queefing. He said he's not into that himself but Sal might be. Benjy said he finds that kind of hot. He said that he was with a woman one time who was lactating a couple of years after she had a baby. He said it was kind of surprising but any woman can do it if you play with their nipples enough.
Jon went to a caller who asked if they've noticed that Lisa G is starting in with Artie's weight lately. Gary said that she doesn't usually start it, Artie is the one who will usually joke about her first. Richard thinks that they both like each other and it's like two kids in school who pick on each other. The caller asked if they think that Artie was distracted by the chick today and that's why he wasn't able to win.
Gary said that the disturbing thing for him was the view he had of that girl with her underwear with the hole in it and her on her back. Benjy said he was kind of upset that she wasn't in the usual Anal Ring Toss position.
Gary said that he thought that Lisa would go through with the Anal Ring Toss thing but she really wasn't a team player there. He said that all she would have had to do is talk about the last guy she had sex with and she turned it down.
Teddy asked if Lisa had to just play or win to go to Howard's wedding. The guys told him that she had to win to go to the wedding.
Richard said that he thinks that next week Howard is going to say that they're all invited to the wedding and he didn't have to go through all of what he did to get into the wedding.
Jon said that some people seem to feel they're entitled to go to the wedding, like Lisa. Scott DePace was another one. They figured that Doug might be another one and maybe Scott the Engineer. Ronnie said he's not even sure if he's going to be invited. He said that he would probably be on the second tier. He said he doesn't know anything about it at this point.
Jon said that Ronnie was trying to get Lisa to play the game today but he wasn't able to change her mind. Ronnie said he almost had her but she refused to do it. Gary said that some people are probably afraid of what might happen in the future when they get another job. He talked about Dan Forman from their Channel 9 show getting a job at NBC and getting goofed on for some of the stuff he did over there.
Jon played a clip of Lisa saying no to Howard about playing the game. After that Jon asked if they think the news department should be able to cover the wedding. Gary said that he told the news department that they should have a whole set up outside where they cover it like the Royal wedding. Richard said he heard that there's a battle going on for who in the news department is going to cover it. Gary said that they should cover Sal that day and see what he's up to the day of the wedding. He said it means so much to Sal that it would be great to follow him around.
Benjy thinks that Sal is going to get invited if the second tier people get invited. Gary said that he's talked to Howard off the air about that and there's no way Sal is going.
The guys were talking about how Howard suggested that anyone who wanted to get in on the wedding should be forced to write an essay on why they should get in. Ronnie said that there's no way he's doing that. He said that he's been through a lot with Howard and he won't write an essay.
Ronnie said that he and Howard were never really that close but Howard has some new friends now that he didn't have in the past but they still share things. He said that it would kind of hurt if he wasn't invited to the wedding.
Benjy told Ronnie it's really going to hurt when he doesn't get the invitation. Ronnie didn't seem to care that much though. He just gave Benjy a ''whatever.''
Jon took a call from a guy who said that they need to do a song parody about Lisa G and go off on her about not playing Anal Ring Toss. Ronnie said they shouldn't waste their time on her since she's not a team player.
Gary said that he was trying to push Lisa into doing the game but she doesn't seem to see that it would go a long way with the audience if she actually did it. Ronnie said that AJ tried on a pair of whore shoes out in the green room. He said that Lisa's feet were way too big for the shoes but she was willing to wear them if he went out and got her some different ones.
Steve Langford came in and said he wanted to straighten something out with Richard. He said that there are not fights going on in the newsroom about who is going to cover the wedding. He said that it's Lisa's story no matter what. Gary said that maybe having someone who wants to marry the groom shouldn't be covering the wedding. He also said that maybe Howard wants an edge to the story and that would mean that Steve would cover it.
News director Brad Driver came in and said that Lisa will definitely be covering the wedding if Howard allows them to do it.
The guys asked Steve Langford if he would have played the Anal Ring Toss game. Steve said he wasn't sure if he could have done that himself.
Lisa G showed up and said that she was flattered that Brad was saying that it would be her story. She said that it's Howard's show and it's up to him if he wants her there or not. Jon asked Lisa if she would be okay with it if Steve was asked to do it. Lisa said that she's okay with whatever they decide to do.
Steve said that Lisa is going to get the assignment no matter what. Lisa liked the idea of covering it like the Royal wedding.
Jon asked how close Lisa was to playing the game. She said she was very close to playing but the losing part is what stopped her. She said that would be like Steve Brandano not wanting a penis in his face. She knows that they may not understand that but that's the way she feels.
Jon asked Lisa about the way she and Artie have been going at each other lately. He asked her if she thinks that she could really beat Artie in a race. She said that Artie is very fast and so is Benjy. The guys wondered about Artie running and if he could last for 50 yards or not.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if the guys were going to get upset about not going to the wedding for the fun part or if they were going to be embarrassed that hey weren't invited. Gary said that it is validation for a lot of people. Benjy said that it's like a velvet rope around the building and you want to get into that building. Benjy asked if it diminished it at all for Gary if everyone gets invited. Gary said that he wouldn't think so.
Lisa said that she thinks that it's a big event for him and she loves the show and likes Howard too. Ronnie said that she thinks Howard has great eyes too and that's why she wants to be there, she loves him.
Lisa said that Howard started this whole news department and not letting them cover his wedding is nuts. She said that he has to let them cover it. She said that she'll also wear whatever Howard wants her to wear to the wedding. If he wants her in formal attire, that's what she'll wear. She said that if he wants her in the yellow Howard 100 News jacket, she'll wear that.
Richard asked Lisa if she thinks that she should be invited as a friend to the wedding. Lisa said that she hasn't known him a long time but she hopes that he likes her as a person but she knows that she's not on his list. Steve said that he doesn't think that they're on the level of the rest of the guys either.
Gary asked Lisa about the last time she had sex. He wanted to know if the year that she had sex in started with a 2. She said it was.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Lisa is just as creepy as Sal when it comes to the way she gets around Howard. Gary said that he has seen some stuff that she does around Howard and she does act kind of strange around him. Ronnie said he sees that all the time.
The caller said that Lisa would be fingering herself in the bathroom at the wedding if she got to go. Lisa said that she'd love to see what everyone is wearing and see the whole event. She kept saying that it was ''an event'' that she wanted to see.
Lisa talked about how she saw a wedding dress that wasn't Beth's but it was designed by the same designer and she was blown away by it. Steve said this is why she should cover the wedding because guys like him don't give a rat's ass about stuff like that.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if they see that Ronnie seems to want to bang Lisa. Jon asked Ronnie if he picks on Lisa because he wants her to be part of his world. Ronnie said that he wants her to be part of the team there, not for him. He said that he does like Lisa but he wants her to be part of the team there.
Lisa said that she thinks that Ronnie is a good looking man and he's in good shape and that he'll make someone very happy.
Another caller said that it was time for Lisa to shut up already because she was talking too much. Gary asked her if she felt attacked today. She said that she didn't. Jon let her go and thanked her for coming in. Teddy said that maybe Ronnie should take Lisa to the wedding if he gets invited. Ronnie said he's not even sure if he's being invited.
Ronnie got in a plug for an appearance he's making at Tootsie's (Part of Rick's Cabaret) down in Miami this weekend. Jon had to go to break after that.
Richard said that he was able to get the rings on from all of those years of playing ring toss at the fair out in Kansas. He said that he concentrated on the ring instead of the big boobs and vagina there and he was able to pull it off.
Jon asked Richard why he smelled Sal's ass. Richard said that was a good question. He said that he thinks that the fans wanted to hear that because that's what he would have loved to have heard. He said he was woozy from winning the title too so he just went for it and smelled his ass.
Richard said that as a Stern fan and employee, that was a big deal to win the title from Artie. JD said that he was in the running to do the game but he didn't want a dick in his face either. He said that Richard is used to seeing Sal's dick now so it was no big deal for him. Richard said he loves that they've taken it to another level there. He said that it's bad for everyone else though.
Jon asked Richard about the hoodie he got from Artie for winning the title. Richard said that he offered to give it back to Artie but Artie told him to keep it. Jon said he couldn't imagine why. Richard said he's honored to be in possession of that hoodie now. He said that they're going to have to do something gay to give the title to someone else some day.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he loves Richard and the prank calls they do there. Richard said that it's guys like that he's trying to make happy by smelling Sal's ass.
Another caller said that he thinks that Lisa G's speech pattern is kind of like Rappin' Granny's. Jon said he didn't hear it. The caller also asked if Doug Goodstein is the king of the Jews there on the show. He said he comes off kind of arrogant. The guys didn't seem to get what the guy was going for there.
Richard said he had a great time at Jon Hein's ''Jewish party'' that he went to. They spent a minute on that and then took some more calls.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thought it was an abomination of a legend for not honoring George Carlin the right way there at SIRIUS. He said that they haven't done anything on Raw Dog or anything like that. Jon said that Artie was doing a great tribute to him yesterday on the Wrap Up Show. The guys talked about some of the shows that they were doing over at Raw Dog last night and how they were doing tributes to the guy. The caller ended up hanging up.
Another caller said that Richard is gay and he should just come out and admit it. Richard said that he's just trying to make people laugh. He said he's not gay, he just does that stuff for laughs and he's been doing it since high school.
Jon asked JD if he'd be up for giving a speech at Howard's wedding. JD said he'd be up for it. He said that he's wondering more about the bachelor party. He said that he's never been to one and he's heard so many crazy stories that he wants to see what that's all about.
JD also talked about the party that he worked at and how he didn't get tips from certain people. He wasn't sure if he should talk about that anymore though.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she was on the verge of gagging as she was cleaning her bathroom and then she heard the replay of Richard gagging and she threw up in the toilet she was cleaning. Richard said that's the fan he was going for trying to entertain.
Another caller said that they have been playing a lot of Carlin stuff on Raw Dog and he didn't know what that other caller was talking about. He also asked about something that they were doing a few weeks ago where Shuli was talking about going to get a list that they had in the news room and he wondered what that was all about. Jon said he didn't recall but he'd check into it.
The caller was also asking about Sal shitting and if that chick is going to sue them or something. Jon said that she didn't get shit on. Richard said she wasn't even close to his ass when he did that.
Another caller asked about JD's laugh and said that it sounds like a barking dog to him. Jon said he never thought of it that way. He said that it's more of a woot or a hoot that comes out of him. The caller said that they should have dogs in the studio to find one that sounds the most like JD's laugh. Richard asked if dogs run up to JD when he laughs. JD did an impression of Richard and said that they don't.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that the intro do the show is really cheesy and they should change it up. He said that it's really got to change. Jon asked him how he would do it. The caller said that they need to make it more basic and get rid of the guy saying ''The Wrap Up Show.'' Jon asked JD to do it instead. JD did a quick one.
Teddy played a song that he found that had a hoot in it that sounded kind of like JD's hoot. Richard asked him to give back that 30 seconds of their lives after he played it.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked Richard what he would give Howard as a gift at the wedding. Richard said it would probably be a donation to the North Shore Animal League. He said that Howard has everything already so that's probably what he'll do. Jon asked JD what he would give them. JD joked that he'd give them the Munsters Season 3 on DVD. Richard said he did that already. JD wasn't sure what he'd give but he said that maybe he'd check their registry and see what they need.
One last caller said that he was glad that Richard did the ass sniffing thing today. Richard thanked him for that and then Jon ended the show after having everyone get in their plugs.
Howard started off the show talking about Artie not being there today. He said that Gary has more on that story and it's a weird one. Gary said that he wanted to remember all of what Artie said it him because he had a hard time understanding it. He said that he got the call around 5:15 when he was driving in this morning.
Artie told Gary that he was getting sick yesterday and he figured that's what was hitting him then. Artie told Gary that he didn't have central air and the window unit was probably getting to him. Then Gary said that Artie told him that he was going to go get some antibiotics to try and get better. Then he mentioned again that Howard was right when he called it yesterday that he was getting sick.
Gary said he told Artie that he'd see him in the city where they were going to meet to go on their USO trip. He said that Artie told him that he was going to try and come in tomorrow at least and maybe even today. Howard said that maybe they'll see him then. Robin said that he's such a wacko.
Howard said that he did tell Artie that his voice sounded different yesterday. He heard from a guy who told him about the Subutex that Artie is on and said that people who are on that stuff can take more and more and it can make people gain weight and feel sick.
Howard said that Subutex is apparently the most extreme way to treat someone and most people are treated with something else. He figured that Artie reading that letter yesterday may have had something to do with him staying home today.
Howard read the letter from this guy who claims to be an addiction specialist. He talked about the Subutex and another drug that he knew about that isn't quite as extreme as the stuff Artie is on. The guy told them about the other drugs and Howard wasn't even able to say the names of them.
Howard said that the Subutex can be even worse than the heroin that he's trying to stay off of. Robin said that she got the gist of the guy's letter and the symptoms from the drug could be coming a week after Artie is taking it. He was also saying that you're supposed to take even doses of it and not just popping them when you feel you need it.
Howard said he gave Artie that letter yesterday and then he just left. Gary said that it's always a weird thing when you try to give Artie something like that. He acts like he doesn't want it but takes it anyway.
Howard wondered if Artie's world was rocked when Richard beat him in the Anal Ring Toss. Robin said that Artie gave up his hoodie to Richard and then Richard tried to give it back to him and Artie refused to take it. He didn't want that back or anything else Richard has touched.
Howard said he got some mail about the TV he's watching and people are telling him that he's got to stop watching that shit he's watching. Howard said that he likes that Bachelorette show and who cares if he's watching it anyway? He went into a discussion about that show and the people who are on it.
Howard said he's been watching that show for 6 months now. He doesn't understand how people can take off from work for as long as they do to be on that show.
Howard said that some people were complaining that Joan Rivers was on two times in the past 4 months. Someone asked why Gilbert isn't on more. Howard said that Gilbert is actually going to be on today. They also have that guy who wrote the book and paid Fred to read it coming in. Fred said that he read that book, every page of it, and he'll be giving him the review today. Fred said that he got paid $2,000 to read the book and he's already cashed the check. Howard told Fred to hold off on the review of the book until the guy comes in.
Howard said that he tries to do the best he can to help Artie out and he doesn't want him to get fired or anything like that. He sees that he struggles with a lot of demons but he's not sure what he can do about that.
Another caller said he thinks that Artie is doing blow and if he does die, they'll probably find a ton of blow in his system. He said he knows because he's done blow and he's having the same symptoms that someone on blow has.
Howard said that he tends to believe that Artie tells them the truth and he'd tell them if he was on coke. He said that it doesn't really matter what he thinks anyway. The caller said that he has to give him tough love. Howard said that he's not his dad and Artie is a grown man so he has to do things on his own. Howard said it's not his job to tell Artie how to run his life.
Robin said that she hates when Artie is out because they have to have discussions like that. Howard said that he has to believe that Artie isn't on drugs. He wants to believe the best for his friend.
The caller said that Artie has to come out and ask for help with this. Howard said that maybe he doesn't need help because maybe he's not on drugs. Howard said that he's not so stable himself and he's pretty fucked up so he's not sure what he can to do help the guy if he does need help.
The caller said that he thinks Artie needs a heavy duty rehab and not a regular one. Howard said he's not sure Artie needs any rehab. He let that guy go and took some more calls.
Another caller said that he thinks that Artie is snorting the Subutex and that's why he had the stuffy nose yesterday. The guy said that's what methadone users do with it because it works better that way. Howard said that Artie is 40 years old now and you'd think he'd get past doing stuff like that at some point in his life.
A caller asked if they have any type of special programming coming up for the merger if it goes through. Howard said that the merger may not even go through. He said someone was talking about how poorly the stock is doing and he said it's no wonder with the way the FCC is taking its time with the decision. He said the merger should have gone through a year ago but it's been over a year since they started the process.
Howard said even if the merger goes through it's going to be anticlimactic. It's been enough already and it's just going to be a big relief if it goes through and not a big celebration. He wanted to see the companies merge so they could have new listeners and stuff but now they're dragging it out and it's taking forever. He said that they've taken the wind out of the sails by dragging it out.
The caller asked Fred to play some Jackie sound effects during the news today during the tragic stories Robin reads. Fred said he'd write that down.
Howard read some symptoms of what the Subutex can do to a person and Artie had many of them. Robin said that she'll have to apologize to Artie for thinking he's lying about feeling sick because maybe he has been felling that way.
King said that he saw Artie's place on Howard TV and also saw Howard's place on the internet. He said that place is unbelievable.
King went on to ask if they saw the Black Entertainment Awards last night. Howard didn't see them. King went on to say that Mel B from the Spice Girls has a great body. Robin asked why these people from England have to move here to have careers. Howard said that there's no money to be made over in England because it's so small. He said that's why they move here.
King also talked about how fat Queen Latifa has gotten lately. Robin said that she's doing weight loss commercials too and she's saying she just wants to lose 10 percent of her weight. Howard said that's a bad idea and you want to get thin when you go on a weight loss thing.
King said that he had a facial procedure done and had his nose redone. He said that his nose was falling and he had to have it fixed. King said that he had a nice nose in the beginning but it was a little fat so he picked one out from a magazine and had it changed. He said that it still looks like a white nose.
King said that if Howard gets Beth O pregnant, he doesn't have to worry about having another girl because Beth is probably keeping all male eggs in there. Howard said he had to explain the birds and the bees to King. He told him that it's the sperm that decides the sex of the baby, not the egg.
King said that there are a lot of boys in the projects and he thinks that the girls are carrying boy eggs because they need men to protect them or something nutty like that. Howard told King that it's the sperm, it has nothing to do with the eggs. King sounded surprised by that. He said that there are ways to get around that with artificial insemination though. He said that they can get rid of most of the sperm that will create a female and just have the male sperm fertilize the egg.
Howard said there are other ways to get a boy that he's heard about but they're just theories. Howard said that he never believed in all of that and never tried to create a boy by having his wife do wacky stuff. He said that he just lets whatever happens happen. King said that he'd see him soon with his new nose. Howard let him go a short time later.
The guy who was the alternate during the Cindy Margolis thing called in and said that Artie was really sweaty when he met him. He said that he doesn't seem to be the jolly Artie he used to be either. Howard said that it could be the Subutex causing that.
Howard said that he's pretty good at what he does and he can't get to him every day. Eric said that he wanted to tell Belzer about some of the other stuff he was a fan of. Eric said he wanted to talk to him about how they're covering the Last Comic Standing show on JFSC.tv. Howard said that he wanted to do a commercial for his show then.
Howard said that Eric doesn't really ask questions when he calls in, he just states facts. He said that he's not very good at that so he has to pass him over once in a while. He thanked Eric for the call but he knows that he's going to get upset if he does that. Howard said he thanks him for calling but then he'll hear from him that he's an asshole.
Howard thanked Eric and Eric said that he'd talk to him later. Howard said that was better because this is an ongoing thing.
Ronnie and Jon Hein were talking about the letter that he wrote to Howard trying to get a job with him during the Wrap Up Show. That led to Howard talking about that letter he got from Ronnie and how it looked like a 3rd grader wrote it. Ronnie said that he just wrote to him saying he wanted to work for him and didn't ask to be his friend like Howard was saying.
JD came in and said that it looks like Ronnie dyed his moustache. Ronnie said that he didn't dye it but he did put some Just For Men shit in there. He said that it works in about 5 minutes but he doesn't have to do it every day. He said he's done it a couple of times now. Robin told JD that was a good catch. JD said that Ronnie is going to Florida this weekend so that's why he's doing that.
Howard asked Ronnie if he does just the moustache or the whole thing. Ronnie said that he does little spots and only does it here and there, not very often. Howard asked if his pubes are still grey. Ronnie told him to get out of there, he doesn't do that. He said that his pubes aren't grey. He said that he does have some grey chest hair though.
Howard said he hopes that they get Ronnie's hair coloring on the documentary they're doing about him. Ronnie said that he won't have that in the special. He said that Gregg from Howard TV is going with him to Tootsie's this weekend though.
Howard asked if the dye comes off on his pillow or something. Ronnie said that it works really well and it doesn't come off. He said that Doug is using something too and he thinks that he must be using it in his hair. He said that Doug would deny it though.
Gregg said that Doug doesn't use anything and Just for Men is for old folks like Ronnie. Howard said that it should be called Just for Grandpa. He told Ronnie that he does look better though. He said that he's impressed that Ronnie can put it in and not fuck it up. That means that anyone can do it.
Howard said that Ronnie has some strange spots on his goatee that makes it look very odd. Ronnie said that he doesn't like the full thing there. He doesn't like his moustache going all the way up to his nose either. Robin said he looks like a magician. Howard told him that's what he should do for a living.
Howard got back to the story about Ronnie and how he got his job. He said Ronnie sent his agent a letter and Howard wanted anyone but Ronnie to drive him. Ronnie said he was wrong about that and he explained how he started driving Howard for the Club Bene shows they used to do.
Howard stopped Ronnie again and told his side of the story. He said that his agent, Don, told him that he had to get someone other than this guy Ronnie. He said that Ronnie's prices were cheaper so that's why he ended up going with him. He said that was the true story.
Howard got back to the Wrap Up Show clips. He told Ronnie that he knows he's already in on the wedding and he's not sure why he's saying he's not sure. He said that he's got to stop interacting with the show and just stand in the hall.
Gregg said that all he does is talk out in the hall. He said that it's like hanging out and hearing grandpa telling stories.
Howard played some more of Ronnie talking on the Wrap Up Show about how he's not sure if Howard considers him a friend of not. Howard said that he does consider him a friend so he can stop wondering about that.
In the clip Ronnie was talking about how he and Howard used to hang out more but now Howard has new friends than what he used to have and he's not in that mix. He said they do talk a lot about personal stuff. Howard heard all of that and said that Ronnie is being an asshole. He said that he and Ronnie used to go to strip clubs and stuff together when he was single and sometimes they'd play cards. Ronnie said that they don't do that anymore. Howard said that no one is putting together card games. Ronnie said that he invites him to a lot of stuff and he doesn't come.
Howard said that he's sorry he's making new friends and not hanging out with Ronnie anymore. Ronnie said he really doesn't care.
Howard said he didn't know that Ronnie was dying his beard. Ronnie said that he did ask him about that one day in the elevator but he just told him ''no.'' He didn't want him getting on his back about that. Ronnie said that he must have seen something different there.
Howard let Ronnie and Gregg go after that. Gregg is on Ronnie all the time shooting him for the documentary that they're doing for Howard TV.
Howard played a song parody that Richard did about Ronnie. That song was ''He's a 4 Foot Tall, Old, Angry Jew.'' Howard also played a prank call the guys made to a tattoo shop using Ronnie audio clips. Howard said that's his favorite right there.
Howard played some more of the Ronnie ''Scoresman'' audio clips. Robin asked why he's all about getting drunk. In one of the clips he talked about what he's all about and getting drunk was one of the things on his list. Howard said that he wishes he had that letter that Ronnie sent him so many years ago. He said it was like a ransom note.
Howard said he wanted Beth to feel secure in the relationship and marriage was the thing that could show her that he's in it for the long run. Robin said that they could still end up divorcing though.
Sal came in and said that Beth is already controlling him and she's telling him who he can have at his own wedding. Howard said that he agrees with her about him. He said that he doesn't disagree with her about not having Sal there. He said that if he felt she was wrong, he'd say something. Howard said that Sal shit all over his girlfriend and she's pissed about that. He said that the fact that he didn't fire Sal shows how much he likes him. He said that Beth shouldn't have to be uncomfortable at her own wedding.
Sal said that he's not upset about that but at the same time he thinks that she's controlling Howard. Howard said that Beth doesn't trust Sal and neither does he. He said that he can't trust Sal after what he did.
Sal said that there's a sense of loyalty between them and maybe he should think that he's going to be okay at the wedding. Howard said that he lies and he can't trust him. Sal said he doesn't lie, he lied that one time.
Sal said that this makes no sense and he can't think that he's going to fuck up again. He said he made up with Beth and they were fine. Howard said that she just doesn't trust him. Sal said he's fine with that but he still thinks that she's controlling Howard. Howard said that he agrees with Beth so she's not controlling him.
Howard said that Sal is looking for a way into his life and he doesn't want him in it like that. Sal said that he remembers a guy who used to put his foot down for stuff like that and that person is gone. Howard said that he can't defend Sal's actions. If he could he would do it but he just can't defend what he did to Beth.
Howard told Sal that he loves Beth and he's putting his foot down with Sal. He said he doesn't want her uncomfortable there at her wedding. Sal was finding it hard to believe that Howard didn't want him at the wedding. He said that they have a great working relationship and he thinks that Beth is somehow subconsciously controlling him. He said that deep down inside he doesn't believe that he doesn't really want him at the wedding. Howard said he loves Sal but doesn't trust him. He said he wouldn't want him in his house.
The caller said that he was going to have to cancel his SIRIUS subscription. He said that he had a couple of SIRIUS Stilettos and he's gotten jerked around with his failed units so he's going to have to cancel it. He said that he was really upset that they were telling him that he was going to have to buy a new one after two failed units. Howard said that he was sorry to lose him. Gary told him to put the guy on hold and he'd try to do something for him.
Howard said that radios do break sometimes and he just goes out and buys a new one but this guy's story might be unusual. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he had this guy on the phone who called them months ago about his book ''Paradigm Shift: Return of the Angels'' and asked someone on the show to read it for $500. Benjy tried but he had to bail. Then Fred said he'd do it for 2 grand so the guy said he'd pay him for that.
Fred said that this guy is a fire fighter and a paramedic and to write this 450 page book is incredible. He said that it takes a lot to pull off something like that. Fred said that he was talking to Jon Hein about it earlier and told him that it was the second biggest struggle to read in his life. Fred said that he could have cut the book down by 200 pages and he would have had a great book.
Howard asked Harry about the book and found out that it's published now. Will said that it's actually 538 pages in hard cover. Harry said that he's self publishing the book and he hasn't been picked up by any book companies like Simon and Schuster. He said that he's tried shopping the book around but no one was picking it up.
Howard wanted to get the review from Fred and asked him to keep it short. Fred explained what the book was about and quickly went through the story. He knew a lot of details from the book so Howard cut him off and said he didn't want to hear all of that. He asked Fred if the book was good or bad. Fred said it had a lot of brilliant parts but there was a lot of stuff that should be taken out. He said that there's too much preaching going on there and he has to cut it down. It took him 3 weeks to read it.
Howard asked for a grade. Fred gave him an E on an A-F scale. Fred said that there are pages where you are pulling your hair out but then you'll get to 30 pages of brilliance and then more of the stuff where you want to pull your hair out.
Howard said that Will fell asleep reading it in the office. Will said that it was a struggle to read it. He told him to get rid of the Howard Stern-like story line. He said that there is some good stuff in there but Fred is right and he does need to cut it down.
Howard said that maybe Harry needs to get in touch with a real editor and have that person cut it down. Harry said that the book was actually much longer and he cut it down quite a bit.
Fred said that people who would read the book are people who have a lot of spare time or people who are getting paid 2 grand to read it.
Will thinks that he got underpaid with the $500 payment to read it. He said that he made about $4 an hour if you figure it out. Fred said he probably got ripped off too.
Fred asked how many times he re-wrote the book. Harry said it was about six times. Fred told him he may need to do it another six times. He said that he's got a lot of views on stuff and he's doing too much preaching in the book. Howard said he thinks that he made his point already and that was enough.
Howard thanked everyone for their reviews and let Harry get in a plug for his web site ParadigmShiftTheNovel.com.
Will and Fred talked about how much Howard is in the book and some of the wacky stuff that goes on in the story. Howard said he really had to get out of that discussion. He let Harry go and took a call from a woman who said that she was orgasmic over hearing Fred speaking so much. She said that she loves Fred and his voice turns her on.
Howard asked the woman what she would like Fred to do to her. She said that she thinks that Fred would be a great lover because he's very cerebral. She said that she is a little hot herself but then said that she could stand to lose a few pounds. Fred asked how many pounds she had on her. She said that she's about 130 pounds and 5'4'' tall. She said she's very busty. Fred said she needs to be about 110 pounds at that height.
Howard said that Benjy had a hard on from Fred's voice right then too. Howard said that overweight girls always fall in love with overnight Deejays and that's something he discovered years ago.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Fred what he thought were the top five books to start out reading if he's not a big reader. Fred said that ''On the Road'' and ''Catcher in the Rye'' are two that he'd start with. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he was reading that Dr. Phil's wife has kicked him out of his house. Robin said that it's only in the National Enquirer but Howard said that they've been right before about stuff like that. Howard said that the Jackson family, including Michael, are thinking about doing a reality show.
Howard also read that Heather Locklear is in drug rehab. He also read that Anne Hathaway broke up with her boyfriend and her family did some investigation and found that he was close to the Catholic church and he was bilking people out of a lot of money. Howard said that guy must be a genius to pull that off and to get Anne Hathaway.
Howard went to the phone and took a call from a woman, Boomer, who was very excited to be on the air. She said that she doesn't think that Sal should go to the wedding and he should invite a random fan, like her, to his wedding instead. She said that her husband is a Vietnam veteran and she thinks that they should be at the wedding. Howard said that he could have his platoon there at the wedding too. He said he could get married in the tiger cage that he was captured in for so long.
Howard told his lies about Vietnam for a few minutes and said he was tortured like crazy over there. He said that they stuck pins in his penis over there. That made Boomer laugh like crazy. Howard said that they also exposed him to tapes of the Imus show when he was in Nam and it was horrible punishment.
Howard told Boomer he was going to give the name of a song and she had to guess who had it as their wedding song. She had the chance to win $500.
Howard played the first song, a Frank Sinatra song, and the woman sang along with it. Howard asked her which person's song it was, Ronnie, Tim Sabean or Scott the Engineer. She guessed it was Tim Sabean. It was actually Ronnie's song. Howard gave her another chance. He played the second song, Van Morrison's ''Have I Told You Lately,'' and asked if it was him, Gary or Jon Hein. She guessed it was Gary and got it right.
Howard gave Boomer the good news and asked what she looks like. She said that she's gorgeous but then said that she's overweight. Howard asked her how much she weighs. She wouldn't say and just kept talking. Howard put her on hold and said that she's annoying, fat and has a goofy name of Boomer.
Howard played another song which was ''When a Man Loves a Woman'' and asked Robin who she thought had that song as their wedding song. It turned out to be Sal's song. Howard had guessed it because it was all about Sal.
Howard played the next song which was Bryan Adams ''Everything I Do I Do It For You.'' They had the choice of a few guys from Howard TV on the list. It turned out to be Scott DePace's song.
Howard played another song and it was Barbra Streissand's ''Evergreen.'' It turned out to be Scott the Engineer's wedding song. Howard and Robin figured Scott had nothing to do with that song choice.
Howard played the next song which was Seal's ''Kiss From a Rose.'' That one was Doug Goodstein's song. Howard found that pretty funny. He played the next song which was ''Unchained Melody.'' That was Jon Hein's. Howard played his wedding song which was a Willie Nelson song, ''Now and Forever.'' Howard said he had nothing to do with picking that one. He said that no one had a favorite song so they just had the DJ play something.
Howard played one more song which turned out to be Stevie Wonder's ''Ribbon In The Sky.'' That was Steve Langford's song.
Howard played a song that Sal created for his wedding. It was clips of Howard yelling at guys not to get married put to wedding music.
Robin asked Howard if he's going to continue to be the attentive lover that he is now once they get married. Howard said he hopes that he can be like that. He doesn't want to fail twice. He
Howard played some clips from Riley's show last night. Riley and his co-host were talking about Howard's wedding and Riley was wishing Howard well but only giving the marriage 2 years. Riley said that Howard hasn't done anything for him but Howard pointed out that he did give him a radio show.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he's been married 3 times. Howard cut him off and said that he's been married 4 times because he married the same woman twice. Dominic said that doesn't count.
Dominic asked Howard if he thinks about his past and the experiences he had in the first marriage. Howard said that he does think about that but not all the time. Dominic brought up his age and started to compare himself to Howard. Howard told Dominic that he doesn't want to be included in his age group and hung up on him.
Howard said he had some clips from John the Stutterer show ''Straight Talk.'' John got all pissed off at a caller who called in to call him a jerk. John got all pissed at that guy before he even picked up the phone. Then he picked up and started screaming at the caller. The caller tried to get his thoughts out but John would cut him off and yell at him.
Howard said he wasn't even sure why John was mad at the guy because he couldn't even get his views out there before John went off on him. JD said that he was yelling at the guy before he even got on the air. Howard gave John some advice and told him to at least let the guy get his thoughts out before yelling at him.
Howard played some audio of John talking about Tim Russert and doing a little tribute to the guy. John gave his thoughts on Russert and talked about how great of a guy he seemed to be.
Fred said that he fears for Artie's life over there but not because of getting shot or something. He said he's more worried that he'll drop dead from the heat. He thought Artie was going to try and lose a few pounds before he went over there but it didn't seem to happen.
Howard said he got his first essay from a person who works there who wants to go the wedding. He read the letter he got from High Pitch Mike. Mike said that he may not get to have a child, or ever get married and that's why he wants to go to the wedding. He said that he doesn't even get invited to other parties that people throw there. He said he wasn't even invited to Will or Jason's weddings. Mike talked about his looks and how he can't fix the way he looks but he would like to fix the way things are on the inside. He said that he would only need one seat at the wedding since all of the girls he'd like to take would turn him down.
Howard said that the letter really touched him and he's in the running for a spot in the wedding. He asked Benjy if he's finished his yet. Benjy asked if he cares about grammar or spelling. Howard said that it's the content that counts, not the spelling or grammar.
Howard said he has to sit down and figure out who is going to be coming to the wedding. He said that he might have to call Robin and ask her for some help with that. He said that he wishes that he didn't have to do this whole lottery-like thing for the wedding. He said that he feels like a horrible human being doing that.
Gary said that Jerry O'Connell e-mailed Jon Hein and told him that he's got some close friends who he didn't invite to his wedding and they're still not talking to him years after the wedding. Howard said that people get hurt over that kind of stuff but you can't have everyone there.
Robin said that she got an e-mail from Beth about the things she was saying about the wedding the other day. Howard said that Beth has had it with her.
Howard said that his wedding is not going to be exciting. He said that he's going to go out of his way to make it boring. He said that it's just going to be boring and he's not having famous people there. He said that he's asking a couple of people to come but he's not sure if they'll show up. He said that Joan Rivers may be there. Richard Belzer might come and Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman will be invited but whose day is going to be made with them there? Howard said that he didn't mean any offense by that of course.
Howard said that he's going to be the first one to leave the wedding. He doesn't want to spend a lot of time there and he'll figure out a way to get out.
Howard said that Wendy the Retard has been calling and leaving voice mails. She's mad at the show and depressed and it sounds like she's leaving the show. He played a clip of her talking about how she was giving up and doesn't care about anything anymore. She said that she was going to be his fan and listen but she won't be calling and doesn't care anymore.
Howard said that she's apparently depressed. Gary said that she calls Will and Jason back in the office but she calls after the show because she's been sleeping in through the show. Gary said that he wanted to have her in to play a game but she doesn't even want to do that.
Howard read another essay from one of the guys there about the wedding. It was from Brian Phelan who said that he needed to get out of the house to get away from his three kids. He also said that he doesn't ever embarrass anyone but himself. Howard said he loves Brian and he'd love to have him at the wedding. He said that he wasn't sure how many of these people were going to get into the wedding. He said he doesn't know how many seats he has left.
Howard had Wendy the Retard on the phone so he asked her if she's okay. She said she just woke up. Howard and Robin asked her if she was really done with the show. Wendy said that she has a lot going on down there and she has a lot of problems. She said that she has to pitch in and help around the house and she's not sure what to do. She said that people are borrowing money from her. Robin sounded shocked by that.
Wendy said she's been helping to buy groceries for the house and helping her sister out with her baby. Wendy said that they're not getting along and they have fights and stuff.
Howard asked her how much money she needs. She said that anything would help. She said that she needs to buy groceries and some new clothes because she has stains on the stuff she has now.
Wendy said that people have been mean to her down at the bowling alley. Wendy was also saying that she bowled a 156 last week. She claims that she did that without bumpers too. Howard didn't believe that. He said that it had to be a retarded person keeping score. Wendy said that she got the score from the guy at the front desk. Howard asked her what 90 plus 80 was and she said it was 20. Howard said that it's more than 20 but even he's not sure how much it is.
Howard asked Wendy if there are any dating services for people of her type. She didn't think so. She said that she meets people at the bowling alley though. She said that she holds off on having sex with them until she gets to know them. Howard asked if she lets guys eat her out and things like that. She was answering ''yes'' to everything.
Howard told Wendy that he was going to send her $500 courtesy of The Water Club in Atlantic City. Wendy didn't sound so thrilled but she claimed that she just woke up and didn't even know where she was at.
Howard gave Wendy some more advice and told her not to eat her nephew or Jesse Jr. She thanked him for the money and she said that she makes about $20 babysitting for her nephew and her brother gives her $10 when she watches his kid.
Howard said that Gilbert was there and he wanted to talk to him about being a father. He said he's pretty sure they'll never know what his real feelings are for the kid or what's going on in his life. He said that he never turns off that character of his.
Fred played the song and Howard said she says a weird word in the chorus too. It was the way she said ''Difference'' in the song that threw him off.
Howard said that Gilbert Gottfried was coming in but he knows that they'll never know how he really feels about his life. Gilbert came in and said that's right. He said he stays in that character of his because it's catapulted him to great heights.
Howard asked Gilbert when he last cried. Gilbert started laughing. He said he didn't cry when his baby was born. He said that the baby is a year old now. Howard asked him if he holds the child and if he makes noise and stuff. Gilbert said the baby pushes him away and hits him. Howard asked him if he can push the baby in the carriage. Gilbert said he lasts about 5 minutes doing that. Howard said that Gilbert was thrilled to get his free bottles of water this morning because he's so cheap.
Howard played a clip of Gilbert laughing while he was being interviewed about Rodney Dangerfield's death and funeral. Howard asked Gilbert if he had any thoughts on George Carlin. Gilbert said that he saw Carlin on a plane one time and Carlin told him that he thought he was great and then asked him not to bother him on the flight. He said that he was basically preemptively asking him not to bother him. It was just the thought of him coming over to him that threw him off.
Howard said that he wanted to know Gilbert's feelings on Carlin but he didn't think he was going to get anything out of him. Gilbert said that he knew that he didn't need much talent to be a comedian when he saw London Lee doing his act. He figured that he could do that himself. Howard asked Gilbert if there were any comedians who reached out to him and helped him out. Gilbert said no to that.
Howard said he could see Gilbert being inspired by Jackie Leonard. Gilbert laughed and did an impression of that person. Gilbert said there were a lot of comedians who would make him laugh when he was starting out but he mentioned Rodney Dangerfield and George Carlin as the two. He was still joking around and not being serious.
Howard said that he has seen the real Gilbert when he saw him getting his appendix out. He said that he wants to see that real guy now. He asked him about being a father and husband and if his feelings have changed toward women. Gilbert said that he feels that every woman is a cunt and even his mother. He said he's teaching his daughter that word early on.
Robin asked Gilbert if he's a curser and if he walks around cursing all the time. Gilbert laughed and said that he is. Howard asked Gilbert if he's softened up or if he has any kind of feelings in there at all. Gilbert would just laugh at those questions.
Howard said that he had this guy Tony on the phone from Fangoria Magazine and he had some Gilbert stories to tell. Fangoria is about horror movies and Gilbert is a subscriber. Gilbert said that he likes those old monster movies and stuff.
Tony told Howard that he once had a meeting with Gilbert and he was wearing a white t-shirt that was all dirty and he had an empty back pack on his back. Then Gilbert asked where the back issue department was and went down and filled up his back pack with free magazines. Tony said that they're still reeling from that. Howard thanked him for that fascinating story and let him go.
Howard said that Gilbert has explained that he cleans out the hotel rooms that he stays in. He has soaps and shampoos that he's been collecting for years. He said that Gilbert doesn't even wash his hair that often. Gilbert said he has cartons full of stuff that he's collected over the years and he had to move them recently.
Gilbert said that he takes free subscriptions to stuff from fans too. Howard said that he seems to be hungry for free things and wondered if that's a Jewish thing. Gilbert said it's probably just a Gilbert thing.
Gary said that Stuttering John went on a flight with Gilbert once and he took some little bottles of syrup with him from the flight. Gilbert said that story was no big deal and he just took the extra syrup with him and he uses it for French toast. He said that he makes that stuff himself sometimes.
Gilbert said that he got a metal tin of maple syrup when he did some voice overs up in Canada. He said that there was almost an international incident that day because he just wanted to bring it home and they wouldn't allow it on the plane.
Howard asked Gilbert if he'll buy anything for his daughter or if he'll think that she's mooching off of him. Gilbert said that she'll get the imitation maple syrup. Gilbert said that kids will play with anything you get them, even a piece of paper on the floor. He said that these companies make up toys that the kids want but they really don't need.
Howard tried to find out how his wife gets money from him and it wasn't very clear. Gilbert was also saying that he was getting some offers from people to do a realty TV show. Howard said he'd love to see something like that.
Howard asked Gilbert if he has ever told his daughter he loves her. Gilbert said that she doesn't speak yet and he's never said that to her. Howard asked him if his father ever said he loved him. Gilbert said he didn't. Howard asked him if he feels unloved. Gilbert said he does, all the time.
Howard asked Gilbert when he last saw his father. He said that he saw him before he ran off to be part of the Merchant Marines. It wasn't clear if he was joking or being serious about that stuff. Howard said he wanted to know what really happened to the guy. Gilbert was joking about everything though.
Howard asked Gilbert many questions about his father but Gilbert ended up singing some of his Jewish songs for him instead of answering.
Howard gave Gilbert some plugs for his upcoming Caroline's on Broadway appearance. Howard said he's sure he'll have a lot of new material and he can't possibly still be doing the same stuff he's been doing all these years. Gilbert said that he's been changing around the order of the material so it's not the same as usual.
Howard also gave Gilbert a plug for his web site GilbertGottfried.com and then went to break.
Eric was on the phone so Eric told Steve to stay out of his business. Gilbert started to laugh his ass off when Fred would play the ''Ack, Ack'' sound clips from Mars Attacks. Eric went on to say that Steve and Shuli should stay out of his business. Eric told Steve that he's a one sided story telling sack of shit.
Howard asked Eric if his appearance was canceled due to a lack of interest. Eric said that might be it. He said that he can't stand Steve and he wants them to send him back up to Canada. Howard said that if someone calls the show they should expect the news department to cover them.
Eric said that Steve gets just one side of the story and he doesn't get the other side. He said that he fabricated the whole thing with Diana Degarmo. Steve told him that was nonsense. Eric told him to shut the fuck up and Gilbert started laughing his ass off.
Howard asked Steve what he got wrong that Eric is talking about. Steve said that none of it was fabricated. Eric said that he got to spend time with Diana and her mom so he was wrong about them not wanting him calling anymore. Howard let Eric go after that but Gilbert was still laughing his ass off at the ''Ack, Ack'' clips.
Steve said that they have an interview with Sam Simon about George Carlin's death. Steve said he pointed out to Sam that George wasn't too happy working with him on his TV show but Sam wasn't aware of that.
Steve wrapped up his news preview and then Jon Hein gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down the stuff they were going to cover today and brought up the Artie thing. That led to Gilbert doing his impression of Artie for a few seconds.
Howard talked to Gilbert about Ronnie dying his hair and asked him if he does anything like that. Gilbert said that he does dye it black even though he doesn't have a lot of grey in there. He said he didn't want to say what brand it was unless the company wants to send him free product.
Howard said he can't believe that Gilbert actually cares enough to make himself look youthful. Howard asked him if his pubes are grey too. Gilbert just laughed. Jon finished up after that.
Howard asked Gilbert if he was on the Hannah Montana show. Gilbert said he was and a caller said that he heard that he was a real pain in the ass over there. The caller also asked if he could get a refund on his tickets to Gilbert's show because he's doing the same material that he's been doing for years.
Howard asked Gilbert about the Hannah Montana thing. Gilbert said he didn't even get to meet Hannah in person. Later on he said he did run into her on the set. He said he got to do Sesame Street recently as well. Howard wondered how that works and how they can give a guy a job when he does the kind of jokes he does in his act.
Robin started her news with a story about a building in Dubai that's going to have an ever changing shape. Howard said he'll never get to see it because he'd never go to Dubai. Gilbert said he'll never see it either. He doesn't travel much, kind of like Howard. Howard said that he has no plans to travel to places like that. Gilbert said that he hates traveling and won't even go if his wife asks him to.
Robin talked about Shaquille O'Neil rapping about Kobe Bryant at a recent appearance he made. They replayed some of that rap and then said that Shaq had his sheriff's badge taken away from him after that rap due to the language he was using. Howard did his impression of Shaq pretending to be a 13 year old girl trying to catch predators.
Robin read some stories about things like Dennis Rodman working out a plea deal to do community service after allegedly beating his wife. Gilbert was doing an impression of Dracula Gottfried talking about sticking his undead dick into someone's black pussy. Gilbert did his Groucho impression too and used the N-word so Howard cut him off and asked him what he was doing. Gilbert was saying that he was making Groucho a racist and he wasn't saying that stuff as if he's himself. After that Robin asked if she should dare bring up the BET awards. That made Gilbert laugh.
Robin read some news about some winners at the BET awards and had Howard playing some clips. It didn't take long for Gilbert to start doing his black voice again. Fred threw in some clips of the reverend who yells out ''OBAMA!'' when Robin brought him up. That had Gilbert laughing a bit too. They spent some time talking about Obama and Fred kept him laughing with that ''OBAMA!'' audio clip.
Howard asked Gilbert if he's ever voted. Gilbert said he did one time but he couldn't remember who it was for or when it was.
Robin read a story about a guy who was partially eaten by a mountain lion. Fred threw in Jason's laugh and a Jackie laugh as she was telling that story.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that Alanis was quoting someone in that song that he referred to earlier. The caller asked if he could open up the essay contest to the listeners too. Howard said he's not going to make his wedding into a game. He asked Gilbert if he had any famous people at his wedding. Gilbert said he didn't. Howard said that it's just going to be a dinner for his friends and a small gathering for his family.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a guy who was attacked by an alligator. She had some audio of the guy talking about the attack. Robin said that the guy lost an arm to the gator. Howard said the guy sounded okay in the clip he just played. That led to the guys talking about how that guy was swimming in a canal that he probably shouldn't have been in. Howard said he would never swim in a canal down in Florida.
Robin read a story about Larry King's wife going into rehab for an addiction to pain killers. Howard said he can't imagine why she'd be addicted to anything being married to Larry King. Howard said that Larry's wife is a lovely lady and Larry has managed to stick with her for quite a while now.
Robin read a story about Amy Winehouse and her emphysema. She was seen smoking even after the diagnosis. Howard said that it's a shame when you're given the gift of a great voice like that and you go out and piss all over it like she does. Howard said that if he had a voice like that he wouldn't do anything to risk losing it.
Gilbert said that he's a great singer too and started to sing more of those songs he sings. Howard said it sounds like someone forced Gilbert to go to Temple every week when he was a kid. Howard started to sing a little bit himself.
Robin read a story about Anne Hathaway's ex-boyfriend's legal trouble. Howard spent a short time talking about how he saw that guy out with Anne at a movie premiere and saw Anne crying and running around the whole night, apparently because of that guy.
Robin read some news about Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and some other political stuff. She had a story about a possible Israeli attack on Iran coming up soon and Iran is saying they're going to take that as an attack by the U.S.
Howard threw in some more plugs for Gilbert and Robin read through some more news about a possible cure for lung cancer down in Cuba. Robin said that they have a drug down there that has shown to extend the life of people with cancer. Howard said he'll believe it when he sees it.
Robin read some news about Tiger Woods' recent leg surgery, the Taliban making $100 million from opium sales last year, and a story about some new diseases that may be coming to this country when the climate changes, Fred played some Will the Farter clips while she was reading that one.
Robin had some news about the women on The View going out to Las Vegas to do some shows. She had some news about George Carlin's death. She played some clips of Carlin's appearance on the first Saturday Night Live.
Robin had some stuff about the Get Smart movie and that led to Howard talking about how he really doesn't want to see that. Gilbert said he loved the TV series. They spent some time talking about the old Munsters TV show and how they tried to remake that 17 years after the series ended and that turned out to be a mess.
Robin read about Britney Spears getting custody of her kids back. She finished up on that story and Howard ended the show a short time later, around 10:30am.
Gary said that they can see the lobby there and they always see nuns coming in dressed in their penguin suits and it's kind of amusing to see the mix of people out there. Jon said that it's like worlds that shouldn't collide when you see what's going on out there.
Jon went over the list of stuff they were going to cover and started the guys off talking about Artie calling in sick this morning. Gary said that it was a live call he got today and not a voice mail. He said that he got the call around 10 after 5 this morning.
Gary said that when he gets a call it's usually Sal telling him he's going to be late. He said he was surprised it was Artie this morning. Gary said he wanted to present the facts in the best light this morning but he was still not sure why Artie was out today. He said that he was telling him about his air conditioning and he's not sure what that was about.
Teddy said that he has one of those units that you'd see in a hotel that's in the window area. Teddy said he's been in the apartment and it's really cold up there.
Jason said that he likes how Artie doesn't even try with his excuses anymore. He just says his air conditioning isn't working and gets out of work that way.
Gary said that Robin's driver noticed that Artie will call in sick at least one day the week before they go on vacation. Gary said that Howard talking about Artie the way he did was wild and they were going through all kinds of theories about what Artie's problem may be.
Jon asked who the expert therapist is in the studio. Everyone said ''Howard'' at the same time. Jason said that Howard can really pull out a lot of terms and he turned into Dr. Phil during the break this morning. Jason said that he really doesn't think that Artie has a fear of separation or anything like that.
Benjy said that he thinks that Artie really didn't feel well and he doesn't have a problem taking a day off like some people would. Jason said that he has a poor work ethic and he calls out a dozen times in a year. Jon said that's weird because Artie is proud of how many years he's been there.
Gary said that he'd like to see how many days Artie has been out over the past year. Jason said that he thinks he's missed 12 days. Gary said it's probably under but it feels like more.
Jason said that he thinks Artie likes working there but he's one of those guys who won't go to work if he's just feeling a little crappy. Gary said that he hates calling in sick and will only do it if he's really, really sick.
Gary said that there have been times when he's been out sick and just can't listen to the show. Jon said that hey have great attendance there in the staff. Gary said that Howard almost never calls in sick and he only does it if he's extremely sick. He remembered the time Howard went to work at NBC when there was a hurricane. He said that no one else was working but Howard went in and wanted everyone else to show up.
Benjy said that there was a day when Howard didn't show up for work and the kid who fucked Mary Kay Letourneau showed up even though they weren't doing a show.
Jon Hein had the numbers for how many days Artie was out the past year and a half. The guys guessed what it was and Jon told them that it was 12 days. He went over the list that Howard 100 News had given them. Gary said that he thought it would have been a lot more than that in that amount of time.
Everyone in the studio said that they haven't missed one day in that time. Jason thought that Gary missed one day but he was wrong about that. Jason said he only missed one day back at K-Rock but that was it.
Jon played some audio of Gary talking about the call he got from Artie first thing this morning. The guys talked about how Artie sleeps there sometimes and some people are suggesting that they count those days as Artie taking days off.
Benjy said that the day his mother was there Artie was sleeping in the green room and she asked him if that was his bedroom.
Ronnie said that you never take anything for granted with Howard so Jon asked him what's up with that. Ronnie said that he didn't know what that was about. Ronnie said that Beth never told him he was invited but he kind of assumed it. Jon said that he didn't get a formal invitation yet. Ronnie said that he didn't get one but he doesn't want to make a big deal out of this.
Gary wanted to get into the letter thing that Howard brought up this morning. Gary said the story has changed over the years and now it's turned into a letter that was written in Crayon. Gary said that he remembers Fred giving Howard a business card from Ronnie when he first heard about him.
Ronnie said that he mailed Howard this letter and also sent Don a copy. He went on to exp;lain how he was doing the driving for this Club Bene show and how he took Howard out there every weekend for a while. Then he spoke to Don about that and Don told him that he'd probably be in contact with him shortly.
Ronnie said that he wanted to work for Howard because he knew he was going somewhere and he figured he could be right there with him like he is now.
Gary said that Howard liked Ronnie early on and they used to talk about his bow hunting trips and stuff like that.
Jon played a clip of JD picking up on Ronnie's dyed moustache. After that Gary said that JD came to him this morning and told him about that. He told him to go into the studio to tell Howard but JD didn't want to do that at first. JD said that he had to do a lap before he went in and told Howard about it. He said he talked to the Howard TV guys first and then went in.
Ronnie said that he has nothing to hide and it's not a big deal. Ronnie said that this is all JD does and it's really annoying. Ronnie said that every time he walks by he has something to say to him. Ronnie went off on JD for not staying in his office and bothering him.
Ronnie said that the guys were putting black tape on his picture in the hall to goof on his dyed hair. Gary said that at most jobs people would be fired over what they do to Ronnie.
Ronnie said that he thinks he put too much shit on his moustache last night and that's why it got so dark. Benjy asked him how often he puts it on. Ronnie said that it's no business of his. JD said that he is going to Miami this weekend so that's probably why he did it this week. Ronnie was going off on Jason when he asked him when he started to dye that.
Colin Quinn called in and goofed on Ronnie saying that he could stand on the cake at the wedding if he doesn't do anything else there. Jon asked Colin if he had any theories on Artie. Colin said that him missing so few days is actually a miracle for a stand-up comic.
Ronnie took off so the guys talked about the club he's going to this weekend. That led to Gary talking about a club that they went to one time that was completely nude.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Artie ruined the show for him today when he didn't show up. That led to the guys talking about what they missed about Artie today. Jason said he missed Artie when Howard was reading High Pitch Mike's letter.
Benjy said that he heard from Will that the real reason that Mike isn't going to will's wedding is because his future wife is creeped out by him, not because they don't have room. Jason said that he's not really friends with Mike so that's why he didn't invite him to his wedding.
JD said that he gets kind of annoyed when Mike brings up his name when he's talking about being a nerd. He said that he never brings up Mike's name when he's talking about being a nerd himself. JD said that he doesn't want him bringing his name into things like that. JD said that he just wants to be left alone.
JD said that he can get laid at least while Mike can't. Benjy said that JD is kind of more lovable than Mike is. He comes across as being sweeter.
High Pitch Mike came in a short time later and said that he knew that Will's girl was creeped out by him but Will would never admit it. He said that he had her give him a look one night that they were hanging out and he knew that she was creeped out by him.
The guys asked Mike if he was happy to hear that Howard liked his letter. He said that he was happy to hear that he actually read it to Beth.
Gary said that JD told him that he was hoping to take a porn star to the wedding with him and he's pretty sure he can get her. Mike said that he has a girl that he asked to the wedding but she says that she's got a boyfriend and she won't go with him.
Will came in and said that some people are kind of shocked by Mike's look if you don't know him and he thinks that his fiancee was kind of thrown off when she first met him. Mike said that he actually gets along well with Will and he's one of the few that he gets along with.
Will said that Scott the Engineer wasn't on his list either. He said that he'd like both of them to come but it's just not going to happen.
Gary said that Mike has an interesting appearance and he thinks that he should come with instructions because he's actually a nice person. Gary said that Mike was an usher at The Lion King and they used to stick him in a funny usher costume. He said he had to warn his wife that she should be prepared for the way he looks.
Mike said that he gets along with Will but all of the other put downs that he gets are probably real. JD asked Mike not to mention him when he's talking about being a nerd. Mike lumped Jon into his nerd group too so Jon asked him not to do that.
Gary said that Jon is married with kids and that's not all that nerdy. Gary said that Jon is also a great athlete so he's not so much of a nerd.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that JD is a mess himself and he shouldn't be talking about other people the way he does. The guy also told Mike that he's a fag as he was hanging up.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that she thinks that before Artie takes a day off he gets very quiet on the show. Gary and Jon said that Artie ebbs and flows with the quiet thing on the show and it doesn't seem to be part of his time off.
The woman, Rebecca, said that she can beat Gary in the Beat the Booey thing. Gary said that they're thinking about doing one of those shows in the studio and if she's interested, he can have her in. She said that she's attractive and she would be willing to get naked if she loses to him. Jon asked the woman if she would be willing to go to the wedding with Mike if he gets invited. The woman said no way. She said that she would go with JD though.
Mike said that this woman sounds like a whore and JD has dated many whores before. She said that she's not a whore.
A caller asked Jason why he thinks that he's such a hard ass. He said that he's nothing but a turd himself. Mike interrupted him and asked if he thinks that Jason weighs more or less than a full grown panda. They all guessed more and they were right. A panda weighs 250 pounds. He threw out a Llama and a gorilla and Jason weighs more than the Llama and less than a gorilla. Jason said that this is coming from someone who looks like he just walked out of a nuclear reactor.
Ralph called in and said that they're being kind of rough on Mike today and they're just going to make him feel worse about himself. Then Mike and JD got into an argument and Ralph said ''Nerd fight! Nerd fight!''
Mike said that he knows that Ralph doesn't like him and he's said that on the air. Ralph said that he knows that Mike can't help some of the stuff he's got going on with his looks and he can't imagine having people piling on top of him as much as they do. Ralph said that they were taking shots at him and making fun of his looks. Gary said that they didn't take any direct shots at that though. Ralph said they did too and Mike said that Gary had to warn his wife about his looks before she met him.
The guys tried to get Mike to work on changing his voice to make it deeper but he wasn't able to lower it all that much. Ralph suggested that he wear sunglasses all the time to hide his eye. Then he told him to wear a Phantom of the Opera mask.
Gary said that Scott the Engineer used to wear a wig but they got used to it after a while. Then he stopped wearing it and he looked odd to them. Gary said that maybe Mike should have Ralph work with him on his look. Ralph said that would be a real Extreme Makeover. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that he would warn his wife about meeting people like Benjy too. He said that he'd have to tell her that if she asks him a question she might not get a straight answer. Gary said he wasn't sure how he'd explain Sal and Richard to her if he had to.
Jon asked Gary what he thought about Howard talking to Sal today. Gary said that he got what he was saying even though Sal didn't seem to. He said that Sal thinks that Howard is pussy whipped and that's the explanation he would rather accept.
Richard came in and said that he feels bad for Sal because he just can't accept that Howard doesn't want him at the wedding. He said that it's going to be hard to work with him back there knowing that he's going and Sal isn't. Sal wasn't coming in so Richard said that he's really upset and that might be why he's not coming in. Jim McClure said he went to get Sal and he's gone, no one knows where he went.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Sal just doesn't get it and maybe he should think about what Artie said to him that time he said he wished his kids got AIDS and died. That's probably the same way Howard feels about what he said to Beth that time.
Gary said that Beth probably wants to look around the room and not be upset by anyone she sees in the room at the wedding.
Another caller said that Sal and Richard should both be allowed to go to the wedding. Sal showed up and thanked that guy for the call. Sal said he wasn't trying to avoid them, he just doesn't listen to this show.
Jon asked Sal what he meant when he was telling Howard that he thinks that he's just on Beth's side because he has to be and that's to really the way he feels. Sal said that he's sticking to that theory.
Gary told Sal about the caller who said that this might be like when Artie told him the AIDS thing. Sal said he got over that. He said that he accepts that Beth doesn't want him at the wedding, he doesn't have an issue with her. He said that he has an issue with Howard claiming he doesn't want him at the wedding when he thinks that he really does.
Sal said that he doesn't even care about the wedding and it's kind of childish that Howard isn't even thinking about inviting him. He thinks that Beth is getting to Howard and changing him. He said that he hopes that he and Beth are happy and they have the kids that they claim they're never going to have. Sal said that he made up with Beth and she was the better person in the whole thing. He said that he doesn't even think that Beth is mad at him anymore and this is just a lingering thing with them that they can't seem to get past.
Sal said that the wedding is all about the woman and they're just worried about the cake, the dress and that stuff. Sal still thinks that Howard should be able to ask Beth to let him go to the wedding and get one favor on that day.
Gary said that he's pretty sure that Sal would be invited to a party in the future and it's just the wedding that they don't want him at. Sal said that it would be nice if they did have him there. It would be nice for Sal.
Benjy said that Sal is basically calling Howard a pussy for not inviting him to the wedding. Sal said that he wasn't saying that.
Gary asked Sal to swear on the life of his kids that he wasn't bothered by this whole thing. Sal said that he is bothered that there is something in his friendship with Howard that's not allowing him to go to the wedding. He said that he can't believe that Howard is already pussy whipped. He said he thinks you can hear him getting all stressed out by the whole thing. Gary asked Jon if he could hear that going on with Howard. Jon said he didn't hear it.
Jon said that Howard was saying he wanted to invite people from work but he can't have them all there. He said he doesn't think that Howard is keeping him away just because of Beth. Sal said he knows he fucked up and he can live without going to the wedding but they're not progressing in the right direction. Gary asked him why she has to. Sal said that she doesn't. He said it would be nice if Howard could get past it and just move on. Benjy said that Sal is past it.
Jon asked Sal if he thinks that Howard feels bad that he's not inviting him. Sal said that he might feel a little bad. Then he said that he probably doesn't feel bad at all. He said that Howard can only give his heart and soul to one person and he can't get his emotions out so that's why he's going to therapy so many days a week.
Sal said that he doesn't want to go to the wedding. He said he would go if he was invited but he's not going to beg for it.
Gary asked Sal if he's started working on the song parody ''When a Man Hates a Woman'' yet. Sal said he hasn't but that's a good idea.
A caller asked Sal why he doesn't just make a joke about Beth since he can't seem to get anywhere with her. Sal said that he likes Beth and he doesn't want to do anything to upset her anymore. He said that he doesn't need to create anymore hate there.
Another caller said that he gets what Sal is saying and he doesn't think that Howard is going to bat for Sal when he really should. Gary said that you can't make someone feel the way you want them to feel though.
Ralph called in again and told Sal to take a step back and think about what Howard is saying. Ralph said that Howard isn't thinking about this that much. He said that this is a very special day and Beth just wants to enjoy it and maybe she doesn't like Sal even though she did make up with him. Ralph said that there are some bad feelings there and he can't put it on Howard. Sal said that he's not putting it on Howard but then he said that maybe he is but enough time has passed that should make it okay to invite him to the wedding. Sal said that he's dealing with it and he'll be okay with it. Jon had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show welcoming back Artie who was back after taking yesterday off. Artie said that he was willing to take a urine test if they wanted. He said that a lot of people think he's on drugs but he isn't.
Artie said that last night he got really wasted. He said that he thought that he could handle it better than he did. He said that around 6 or 7 last night, after being on antibiotics all day, he heard that Dana was dating someone. He said he lost it when he found out and got really upset. Artie said that he lost it on the person who told him about the dating.
Artie said that he was devastated by the news. He said that the other girl told him this news and it felt really weird to him. He said he has a joke about their relationship in his act where he said that they broke up for religious reasons, she doesn't believe that he's god.
Artie said that he started drinking last night and finished off a bottle of Jack and then some Johnny Walker Blue. He said he was going through a lot of crazy notions in his head about what was going on and it was just making him more and more depressed. He said that the guy has to be a better catch than him in every say.
Artie said that the other guy can't be an obese heroin addict so he can't be as much of a mess. He said he did ask the woman more about the relationship and she gave him the details. Howard asked if it was his sister. He said it wasn't.
Howard asked if he called Dana. Artie said he didn't do that. He said that he would have been calling her a fuckin whore if he had called her last night. Howard told him he's not supposed to drink when you're on antibiotics.
Artie said that all of George Carlin's stand-up specials were on HBO yesterday too so he was watching that stuff. Howard said he wanted to watch those but he forgot.
Howard told Artie that he sees where he's coming from with the Dana thing, how dare she date after not being with him for 3 years. Artie said that she was a great girl and a great cook. Howard told him that he was obviously in love with her. Artie said he really was.
Howard talked to Artie about the mail he got yesterday about the symptoms of the Subutex he's been on and how that might be what's making him sick. Artie said that he was thinking about what's going on with his life and how much of a mess he is. He was thinking that he must be making more money than the guy she's dating but he's not even sure about that.
Artie said that he tried to do a joke about dating Dana in his act where he talks about how big the field is for Dana compared to him. He talked about that a little bit.
Howard said that Beth told him she was going out on Wednesday night to a movie premiere. He said that he can't go out during the week because of his job. He said he ran around and did some stuff with his daughter yesterday and Beth called him and guys were hitting on her as she was walking home from getting her hair done.
Howard said that guys were hanging her their cards and stuff when they saw her. She told guys that she was engaged and one guy told her she wasn't a good fiancee because she wasn't wearing her ring. Howard said that Beth came home and said she was just going to the movie but he knew she was going to the after party too. He said she was all dressed up and had a dress that had pieces missing from it so it looked like it had been cut up. He said he knows that she must like the attention but it was really exposing a lot of her.
Fred asked Howard if he gets pissed when she goes out like that. Howard said that he does get mad when she goes out with him. He said he'd love to be able to go out as much as she does.
Howard said that Artie is banging like 3 different chicks right now so he shouldn't get so upset with Dana dating someone. Artie said that 3 became 2 pretty rapidly.
Howard told Artie about the mail he got about the Subutex and how he's using too much of it. Howard wanted to read the mail to him but Artie didn't want to hear it. Howard read the letter to Artie anyway. The guy was saying that Artie is abusing the Subutex and that's why he's nodding off at work. Artie said that's not the case. He said he's become an insomniac over the past few years and he just can't sleep. Howard said that he sleeps fine when he's there at work. Artie said it's probably the Dancing with the Stars discussions that put him to sleep.
Howard read through more of the letter where the guy suggested that Artie go on Suboxin instead of the Subutex that he's on now. Artie said that the Subutex is supposed to block the withdrawals from the Heroin. He said that he'd love to give that stuff to someone who has never used heroin to see what happens to them. He said he almost did that with Ralph. Howard said he can't be doing that though because you don't know how they're going to react to it.
Artie said that he drank a lot last night and had probably a pint of Jack Daniels and about the same as Johnny Walker Blue. He said that he was sitting on his couch while he was doing that. That led to them talking about the air conditioning in his apartment that he claimed made him sick the other day.
Artie said that he was sitting there on his couch wearing flannel pants and looking horrible. He said that the TV remote was nowhere near him so he had no energy to get up and change the channel. He said that he had the E! channel on and he ended up watching four episodes of ''Keeping Up With The Cardashians'' because of the missing remote. He said that he wanted to cave in his head when he saw that show.
Artie said that he and Dana have been broken up for about 2 and a half years now. Howard told Artie that if he broke her up with this new guy, she'd probably be single again for another 2 and a half years.
Artie talked about how he called Dana when he heard about Jim Florentine's girlfriend committing suicide and found out she was in Palm Springs at the time. Howard wondered what she was doing there. Artie said that he wanted to know the same thing but he never did find out. He said that he was thinking that it had to be a black guy she was dating.
Howard asked Artie if he is still in love with her. Artie said that he is. He said that she's probably dating a young Mark Hammill looking guy. Howard asked him if he's going to do something crazy like try to get her back. Artie said he's not. He said that he just doesn't want to see the fucking guy though. He said that all of her boyfriends before him were guys who don't look like him. He said that he looks like Otis on Andy Griffith at this point.
Howard said that maybe she's dating a really ugly dude. He asked Artie if he thinks she's sleeping with this new dude. Artie said he doesn't know, he doesn't want to know. Artie said that he probably has his own show on the Animal Planet or something like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the guy that Dana is dating is a guy in the fire fighters calendar for December. Artie asked the guy how long he's been doing comedy. The guy told Howard to get Artie a date with the blind Playmate. Artie said that he'd date her.
Howard showed the clip to Robin and Artie on the studio monitors. Artie was laughing as he saw it. They only showed a few seconds of that because this guy is shopping the tape around. Howard said that the chick was kind of hot and kind of Sarah Silverman-ish.
Gary said that they can get in touch with that guy who is trying to sell the tape. Howard said he'd like to talk to the guy and find out what else is on it.
Artie ended up talking more about his apartment and how great the location is. He said that it was appraised for like $1.5 million but it doesn't have central air. He said that he does have air in there but it's not that great of a set up. Artie said that if you shut his shades, the apartment is maybe a $200,000 apartment. The view of the city is what makes it worth so much.
Artie told a story about this guy he worked with on the docks. He said the guy had used up all of his sick days and he was going to be docked some pay. The guy ended up using the excuse that he got a whore and ate her out while she was sitting on an air conditioner in a hotel and that gave him strep throat.
King said that he had sex with his wife's feet this morning. He said that he came and felt so bad that he took a shower and left the house. He said that she slept through it and it was like he raped her feet. King said that he wishes he didn't have that fetish because it's nasty. He said that he likes the feet dirty too and that makes it even worse.
King said he likes feet when they stink like they do when you wear sneakers with no socks. Artie was grossed out by that and he now had an image of some guy fucking Dana's feet. Robin said that she would be out of there if she had a guy doing that to her feet.
King said that he gets even more turned on when a woman tells him that he's crazy for doing that. He explained what he does when he sniffs the feet and then gets hard and rubs his dick on the feet. He said that she'll sometimes tell him the hurry up and finish just to get him off her feet.
King also likes to get peed on but when they asked him if he pees on people, he said he doesn't get that and said that's weird.
Howard said they should have a ''Butter Feet'' contest for him. Artie said that he doesn't get that whole thing.
Howard said that Paramount Pictures was the same way with Private Parts. He said that he wanted to include some scenes they cut from the movie but they just wanted to put out the movie and put it on DVD. Howard wanted to put together a nice package but Paramount didn't want to. He asked to buy the rights to the movie but they didn't want to do that. He said he wanted to put out a special edition but they didn't want to be shown up and refused to sell the rights. He said they wouldn't even talk about it.
Howard thanked Bobo for calling in and let him go after he brought up the deal he had with CBS to give him all of his old tapes back. Howard said he never talked about that on the air.
Dominic told the guys he wants them to have a great vacation. Then he asked Artie if he would take Dana back after she's been with another guy. Artie said that he thinks he could work that out. Dominic said that he can't believe he would take her back after that. Artie said that he wouldn't ask her about what she did with the other guy.
Dominic was asking him if he could kiss those lips again knowing that they were on another guy. Artie said that he can get past that. Howard goofed on Dominic and his goofy questions after letting him go. He did an impression of him asking those questions and got really detailed about what he was asking.
A caller asked about the upcoming Craptacular special and if the guys are going to be using laxatives to shit more than usual. Howard said that they will be disqualified if they use that stuff. It has to be all natural.
Howard said they had a lot coming up today. He went through some of that stuff and talked about playing the Gossip Game and Win Fred's Money.
Howard read some more mail about High Pitch Mike and Jason. Someone was saying that they wanted to hear more High Pitch Mike and less Jason on the show after what went on yesterday.
Gary came in and said that he had a couple more essay's from people who wanted to go to Howard's wedding. One of them was from Jerry O'Connell. Howard said that he might have Jerry there at the wedding just to see what Rebecca Romijn would wear.
Howard read through Jerry's essay and he had 17 reasons for why he and Rebecca should be allowed there. Howard read through some of that essay but he stopped in the middle of it and read through Kevin Kraft's essay. Howard said that one wasn't going to cut it like High Pitch Mike's did. Howard said that all Jerry had to do was put one word in his to get in and that was ''Rebecca.''
Howard said that he wasn't going to talk about ''When I See Beth Smiling'' but then revealed that a big female singer was willing to sing it at the wedding for him since Shaw Blades can't make it to the wedding.
Gary brought in Robin's news intern and wanted Howard to name him. Howard said that they should have people who have been there for at least a year that they might not know. Howard said that Evan was a good one and he claimed that he was just joking around and he knew the guy's name but he was just trying to joke around.
Howard joked that one of the guys was Dana's new boyfriend. The guy actually works for Howard TV but Howard and Robin didn't know his name. The next guy had been there about a year but Howard had no idea who he was either.
Gary brought in a few more people that Howard and Robin didn't know. Artie knew some of the guys. Howard asked how they go around there unnoticed. They learned the names of guys like Joe, Matt, John and Chris. One of the guys shoots the creative meeting every week but Howard didn't even know that. Howard said that they must be working hard if he doesn't know their names. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Artie was offered $5 million a year for 2 years to replace him. Artie said that he confirmed that with some people when the offer came up. He said that it was a $10 million deal. Gary said he was offered a show with Artie but they never got to the money thing.
Howard said that they're weird over there at his old radio company. He said that he heard from Kidd Chris about how he got fired and even though he has a contract, they're basically telling him to go ahead and try to get paid. Howard said that radio is the sleaziest business there is and they'll screw people over in a second.
Gary came in and said that he wasn't going to say who it was that told him about what Adam is getting paid but the guy said it in a way that was like ''can you fuckin believe...''
Artie said that he made the right decision not taking that offer. He said that working with Howard, uncensored, is the best. He said it would have turned into an awful thing if he had taken that job. Howard said he would have understood if he had taken the deal because $10 million is a lot of money.
Gary asked Artie if he could have handled the pressure of being the main guy on a radio show. Adam said that Artie probably would have been dead 2 years ago. He said that Artie would have gone out and done a pound of cocaine at some point.
Howard said that it couldn't have been easy for Adam to do what he does because they forced Danny Bonaduce on him. Adam said that he had to walk out on his own show so that they'd get rid of the guy. He said that he just stayed home and didn't show up for work until they got rid of him. Adam said that Danny is like a lead guitarist and he can't work with a guy like that.
Adam said that he just stopped showing up for work and didn't even answer anyone's calls. He said they ended up calling Jimmy who came over and told him to start answering his phone because people were bothering him.
Artie said that Adam was part of another awkward thing on the air. He said that he got a call from his agent that Adam was going to get the job on the Stern Show and he was second in line. Artie said that's what his agent told him was going on but no one else seemed to know much about that story. Adam said that he wasn't sure how far along those talks got.
Howard said that Adam is off this week and he's out promoting this DVD for ''The Hammer.'' The guys talked about the movie and how they liked it. Robin was surprised that she liked it. Adam talked about how he put up his own money for advertising and stuff like that. He said he didn't make his money back but the movie did make about $450,000 in a limited release. He said that he will probably make it back on the DVD. He said that he got good reviews so it should do okay.
Howard asked Adam how the financing works and how he's going to make the money back. Adam said that they sold it to Harvey Weinstein for the DVD release and to Comedy Central for airing on TV. He said that you get the money back for that but not for the $500,000 that he put out for the release of the movie.
Adam told Howard about how he'll make the money back and it was all a confusing mess. Adam thinks that he'll make back what he put into it eventually.
Howard said that he doesn't get how these companies get away with stealing his Howard TV stuff and put it up on something like YouTube. Adam said that if you steal someone's ideas they don't think that it's stealing. If you steal candy they get upset because it's something tangible.
Artie said that he made a salary on Beer League and he made money on that movie because someone else put up the money for advertising and stuff. He said that Adam should be getting some of his money back for what he put out. Adam said that he was very passionate about the movie and that's why he sunk his own money into it.
Howard asked Adam if he's still in touch with that hot chick, Julianne Hough, he danced with on Dancing with the Stars. Adam said that she was right there with him this morning. He was kidding though. He said he thinks she's out on the road with Garth Brooks or something.
Howard asked Adam if he has jerked off thinking about that chick. Adam said that he has not but he's jerked off to everyone else. Artie said that he saw her just one time and he jerked off thinking about her.
Adam said that he was angered by that whole experience so he may not be able to jerk off to that for another 5 years. He said that once he starts, he won't be able to stop. Adam talked about how miserable he was doing that show and his morning radio show at the same time. He said that he was also promoting his movie back then too. Adam said that Julianne was working with him and that's the way he looked at her, like work.
Howard gave Adam some more plugs for his movie and said that it's now available on DVD. He said that it's a fun movie to watch. Robin agreed with that. Adam said that it's in the top 50 in the Amazon.com best sellers. He said that the fans can go over there and read the five star reviews. He said that this is no David Spade piece of shit or a Pauly Shore piece of shit movie. Howard wrapped up with Adam and let him go a short time later.
Howard said that Charlize is really looking good and even Letterman was having trouble interviewing her. He talked about how boring her interview was too though. He said that he had to turn it off because she was so boring.
Howard checked out Richard Belzer's interview too and then he watched the Motley Crue performance and actually liked the song they did. He didn't think he would like it but their new song was good. He said that Tommy Lee had his shirt off and had to show off that tattoo of his. Artie said that he always thought of them as a joke.
Howard asked Fred if he had the new Motley Crue song in his computer system. He wanted him to play the song. It turns out the song is ''Saints of Los Angeles.'' Gary got him the right information. Fred found it and played it.
Artie said it sounded pretty cool to him. Howard agreed. Artie said that this is his favorite song by them. He said he hated their old stuff.
Howard said that Beth used to be on Letterman before he started dating her. Then when they caught wind of her dating him they stopped having her on the show. Howard said that Dave is really paranoid about stuff like that and he's sure that Dave got rid of her. He said that he thinks that Dave wants chicks around who are single and that's why he'd get rid of someone like that.
Howard said that Dave probably figured that they didn't want her telling him stories about what goes down on the set over there. He said that's kind of shitty.
Artie said that the make up woman over there really likes Beth and misses having her around. He said that she asks him about her whenever he goes over to do the show.
Howard played some of John's interview and he was stuttering quite a bit as he was trying to get out a line. The news anchor started to laugh. Howard said he thinks that John starts to stutter when he has a joke coming up and that's why he was stuttering in that clip.
Fred did his impression of John and goofed on him a little bit. Howard played more of John's interview and he was saying nice things about what Howard did for him. He said that he thinks that they'll see each other soon and they'll have drinks. He said he has no hard feelings toward them over there. John said that there have been things between them but Howard said he has no problem with John.
Howard said that maybe John was referring to the Adam Carolla thing where John went on and called him cheap and he went off on him. Howard said that he never calls anyone and maybe that's what John is talking about. He said he doesn't call anyone though.
Artie said that he hopes that he could get together with Howard if the show ever ended. Howard said that he thinks they would. He said that John went to the Tonight Show and he doesn't blame him because they pay him very well over there. Howard heard it was $300,000 a year but Robin said she heard it was more. Gary said the rumor is that it's $500,000. Artie said that he thinks it's somewhere between 300 and 500.
JD came in and told Howard that John is also the warm up guy over at the Tonight Show. Howard played the rest of the clips he had from the CW 11 interview. John was surprised that they were ending it so quick. Fred and the guys started doing their John impressions again after that.
Howard said that they probably ran out of stuff to talk to John about in that interview so that's why they ended it so quick. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that next week they're repeating the whole week of the Howard Stern History special. He said that they're running the commercials for the second part that's coming up in December. He played the promo which seemed like it was a couple of minutes long.
Howard sadi he got chills hearing that promo and thinking about getting fired from NBC. He said that wouldn't have been a good ending for the story. He siad he didn't think that he was ever going to work again bcak then. Artie said thatthe first HIstory of Howard Stern was great.
Howard said that they have another special coming up next week which is a Game Show special with Tom Bergeron hosting it. He said that they'll feature a lot of great games like Guess Who's The Jew, Black Jeopardy, Rock and ROll Jeopardy, Match Game, Millionaire, Win Fred's Money and a lot more. He sadi that all of that stuff will be featured in a jam packed week.
Lisa said that they have a wedding announcement about Bob Levy and Christine getting married. They sent out notes about that. Artie said that Levy got drunk and clogged the toilet at the new wife's parent's house. He said that Christine had to plunge the toilet for an hour in her wedding dress. Bob wasn't able to do it because he was so grossed out by it.
Howard played a new song parody about Ronnie dying his moustache and goatee. The song was to the tune of ''It's Raining Men'' and it was about using ''Just for Men.'' Howard said that Ronnie isn't even there now because he's flying down to Florida to make an appearance at Tootsie's in Miami. Ronnie came in a second later and said he didn't leave yet and he's not leaving until after the show. Howard said he thought he left already.
Howard told Ronnie this has to be a dream come true for him. Ronnie said that it is and he never denied it. He said that without the Stern Show everything would fall off the wall.
Howard told Ronnie he's wild and like a playboy kind of like Tony Stark in Iron Man. Ronnie said that Robin came alive too.
Artie said that he likes Ronnie's beard the old way and not dyed. Ronnie said that the mixture must have been off and that's why it came out the way it did. He said that it came out really dark this time. Artie said that he was glad that something finally happened with him and now he'll have something for his Howard TV documentary. Howard said that Ronnie has to be dying his pubes. Ronnie swears that he's not.
Will was on the phone with Big Foot asking him questions about the tazering. Robin said that she wasn't able to follow what he was saying. Howard said that he was tazered by the police and they had to give him some kind of tranquilizer to calm him down for two days.
Howard asked if John ever has her bring women home. Danni said that she does bring girls home but they've never done anything with them. They have girls dance on a stripper pole they have set up but they haven't felt comfortable enough to do anything with them.
Howard asked John and Danni where they were from. They're from Michigan. That led to Howard talking about the parties that go on in Michigan and how there's a lot of pot out there.
John has been married to Danni for 8 years and they met playing volley ball. Danni thought that her boobs were tiny but Howard said they looked big to him. She said that's because of her bra.
Howard heard that Danni was the fan of the show and this was her idea. She said that's right and it's going to be kind of awkward for her to be naked in front of them. Howard wanted to see her dance a little bit since she was talking about this stripper pole that she has in her bedroom. Danni danced around a little bit and Howard said she's very sensual.
Howard spent a little more time talking to John and Danni before getting to the game. Howard told John that he was playing for $5,000 and asked what he does for a living. He installs home theaters and audio/video systems. He said that he has heard some of the past Win Fred's Money but he doesn't really do very well against him when he plays along. He said they know the consequences so they're prepared for this. The guys figured that Danni just wanted to come in and get naked for them.
They had Danni get naked behind a curtain so they'd be prepared to drop it as soon as John lost. Fred went off to Robin's booth so he wouldn't hear the questions. Then Howard got to the game and asked John seven questions which were:
Howard said that it was time to see Danni naked. The Howard TV guys dropped the curtain a short time later. The guys checked out her body and said she was looking good even after having 2 kids. Artie asked her if her husband would let her fuck anyone in the room that might be her favorite comedian. John said that he would let his wife bang another guy if she asked permission first.
Howard asked John if he would have a problem with her doing Artie. He said that he'd have to talk to her about it first and if she wanted to do that with Artie, he'd probably have to say yes. Danni said that it would have to be a special occasion to do something like that.
Howard asked Danni if she would be willing to do something else for some money like ride the Sybian. She said that she wouldn't be able to finish in front of so many people in the room. Howard said that she could give it a try though. Gary told her to give it her best and see what happens. Danni said that she would put her panties on but she would ride it. Howard said that the attachment is clean so she doesn't have to worry about that. She agreed to do it.
Howard said that Danni seems to be very comfortable walking around naked. She said that she was okay with it. She got on the Sybian a short time later. Gary started it up slow and ramped up the power slowly. Howard had him move it up to about 50 percent power. She said that she was feeling it and it felt good. Howard had Gary knock it up to 70 percent. She said it felt really good but she didn't think she could do anything. Howard told her to close her eyes.
Howard had Gary move it up to 90 percent and Danni started to make some noise. She said that she didn't know if she could do anything yet. Howard had Gary go up to 100 percent. Danni said that it was making her leg shake. Howard told her to just let it happen. Danni told Howard he was holding her back so Howard quieted down and she went for it. She started to moan a short time later and then asked Gary to take it down. She said that she did have an orgasm and she couldn't believe that she did that with them in the room.
Howard asked Danni if she has used vibrators before. She said she had but it was nothing like that. Howard said that they gave her the power of about 20 guys licking her. John was helping her out during the ride and that probably helped things.
Gary said that he's taking the clip of her saying that it would never happen and then the clip of her finishing to play for people who don't think it's going to work.
Howard asked Danni if she's a teacher or anything like that. She said she's not. That's good because the last teacher they had in there lost her job. Howard threw out the plugs for the sponsors of the contest, the Water Club for Win Fred's Money and Cash For Gold for the $500 that they gave Danni for riding the Sybian. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he likes that Katy Perry song ''I Kissed a Girl'' and also the parody that Sal did called ''I Pissed on a Girl.'' He played some of that.
Howard said that he had a clip of the lead singer of Queens of the Stone Age calling a guy out on stage after the kid threw a shoe at him. The kid actually started to go up on stage but it was obvious that the singer could kick the shit out of the kid. Howard played that clip and Artie said the singer sounded kind of like Tracy the office manager going off on Steve Grillo.
Artie said that he could feel that guy's pain but he couldn't condone the use of the word ''faggot.'' Howard said that guys do get kind of gay when they get mad. They start yelling about fucking guys in the ass and stuff like that. That's what the singer from that band was doing to the kid he was calling out. Artie said that there might be a good stand-up act in that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he should shut up when the women are on the Sybian. The guy said that he has to learn to shut up. Howard said that the guy was wrong. He said that he has learned his lesson to stay quiet during the rides. He said that today Danni was about to get off the Sybian so he told Gary to turn it up and up. Once she got into it he shut up. Howard said that he got things going and it turned out good.
The caller said that he just got a Sportster 5 and they have a picture of him on the unit. Howard said that he didn't know that.
Artie told Howard he helped out that Sybian ride today. He had to talk because the broad was about to get off the Sybian.
Another caller asked Howard how Fred knew the answer to the ''quiver'' question so fast if he didn't know what the questions were. Fred said that he's seen some stuff in trivia books and things like that and that one just popped into his head.
Howard had some clips from an interview that Steve Langford did with George Carlin a couple of years ago. Howard played the audio of Steve's news report about that interview that has been running this week. George was talking about how great he thought Howard was.
After playing that clip Howard asked if there's anything more wonderful than hearing George Carlin talk about him that way. The guys were still goofing around with the Queens of the Stone Age clip earlier and joking about the gay stuff they'd do to each other.
Artie told Howard that he's mentioned in the George Carlin obituary in the NY Times. Howard said that he'd have to read that later.
Howard said that someone sent in a CD of their Avant Garde music and it's a legitimate CD. He said that it was called Raydattunras or something like that. Howard played some of it for the guys and asked them if they wanted to dance along to it. It turned out to be a pretty musical track so Howard realized he had the wrong track. He played another one that sounded like a bunch of people just warming up with their instruments. Howard said that he can't see a reason why anyone would put that on in their house.
Howard said he was starting to get a headache listening to it. He stuck with it for a couple of minutes. He said there was no name on the track. Robin said there was no way to name that track. Fred played some instrument sound effects and created his own Avant Garde music. Fred threw in some dolphin sounds and other crap in there and it was no worse than the other stuff.
Howard said that he thinks that Artie is getting nervous about his trip and that may have had to do with his illness yesterday. Artie said that he is very nervous about that but he didn't seem to think that was his problem yesterday.
Artie said that he hopes that he does okay with his act over there. He said that he's getting really worried about this trip now.
Robin also pointed out that he misses a day every week before they go on vacation. Artie said he didn't realize that. He said he knows he's crazy.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he thinks the Avengers movie is going to do. Howard said that the movie companies are starting to realize that the more real they make these comic book moves the better they are. They have a story board already with the comic books and that's what they can use to make these movies. He said that if they do make the Avengers they should do it pretty good. He said they do screw up once in a while but they could pull it off.
Howard said that he thinks that the director of the Spider-Man movies, Sam Raimi, is really smart. He said that he did a great job with the movies and he bets that he'll make number 4. He said that they have a successful franchise and they have to keep doing them. He said that Tobey Maguire is smart to keep doing them and he hopes that he doesn't stop.
Howard asked the guy, Sean, what the visual is when he's doing this singing thing. Sean said that he didn't know. He told the guy that he had to get him down there and put him on hold. He wants to have him in to do that stuttering thing. Howard said that they're still looking for a person with Tourettes to work for them.
Brian Koppelman called in and told Howard he thinks he knows where the gay insults thing came from and told them what he knew about it. He it started back in the 50s when guys would ''ghoul'' guys and threaten them with doing gay stuff. He said that it's the whole idea of the thing to do that. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
Howard had Eric the Midget on the phone so he took his call real quick. Howard said that he was in a rush and didn't want to leave him on hold. Eric said that he didn't know why he had to rush him. Eric said that he's been on hold waiting for a long time now. Howard told him to hurry.
Eric said that he wanted to call in during the news to chew out Langford. Howard said he'd put him back on hold then. He said he's looking forward to that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that John is definitely invited. He said that he hangs out with him and has even gone on vacation with him.
Howard had Mike Walker on the line. He gave him a quick plug for his book ''Get Real!: The Untold Story: Sexy, Scary, Scandalous World of Reality TV!'' and talked about how great that is. Then he got right to the game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Eric was on the line and said that Steve wasn't the reason for that. He said that he sent out e-mails to people in his room and they're the ones who bought them, not the people who heard Langford. Eric told Steve to go back to Canada and told him he was a piece of shit.
Steve said that he's still taking credit and even Johnny Fratto was thanking him for bringing it up. Eric said there are no facts to that story. Artie told Eric that no one likes him. Eric told the ''fat man'' to shut the fuck up.
Howard said that he can't believe that 50 tickets is enough to make an event happen. He said that Eric shouldn't be proud of that. Howard wasn't sure why he was taking such umbrage with Steve after that.
Eric said that it was because of the e-mails he sent out weeks ago that got the tickets sold. Steve said that the number of tickets sold yesterday was zero before they did the report. Now they've sold over 50 tickets AFTER the report was done. Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip from Animal House as they were talking about that.
Eric insisted that it wasn't Steve's report that got the tickets sold. Howard told Eric that he has to think about this for a minute and give Steve the credit. Fred kept playing the ''Zero point zero'' clip so Eric told him to stop with that shit.
Eric said that he wants Steve fired. Howard didn't understand that. Fred kept playing the clip and Eric said he was going to fly to New York and break all of his fingers if he played it one more time. Fred played it once more time and said that he would meet him at the airport. Howard said that he's never seen Eric so angry before. He said it was like when Linda Blair was possessed.
Fred played the ''Zero point zero'' clip once again. Eric said that the ticket sales had nothing to do with the report that Langford did. Artie went into his Animal House impression and did that whole scene that Fred was playing the clip from.
Howard said he didn't know what to tell Eric. He thinks that he's making a mistake there. Fred played the clip again and also played the Ack Ack clip from the movie Mars Attacks.
Steve said that they spoke to the people who were setting up the meet and greet with Eric and they're the ones who gave him the information about the ticket sales. Howard told Eric that it was Steve's story that did help him. Eric refused to believe that.
Robin said that Eric was involved in the story so that must have helped the ticket sales. Howard asked how many tickets Steve will help sell today. Steve said that they were going to cancel that event until they finally sold some tickets. Eric said that they weren't going to cancel it, they were going to postpone it. Eric said that Steve has information that's not accurate.
Steve said that the event was going to be a meet and greet with Eric where the first 50 people get special t-shirts. Howard said that he wanted to prove something to Eric. He had the guy on the phone who claimed to be the ticket processor for the Monarchs. Eric said he didn't believe what he was saying about the ticket sales. It was Sal on the phone anyway so he was just trying to jerk Eric around.
Steve said that they got a picture of one of the t-shirts that they were going to be giving away at Eric's meet and greet. Eric said he didn't approve of the one he was talking about because they had him flying with balloons.
Steve said that they have a report about a web site where they're selling pictures of Howard and Artie as if they were a presidential team. Howard said that he'll have to get his lawyers on that. Steve mentioned a couple of other things and wrapped up.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran through that list of stuff they were going to cover. That led to some more discussions about Artie and Dana. Howard was asking him if he's been thinking about what her new boyfriend looks like and if he thinks about the guy splitting her in half.
Howard had Mutt on the line to promote Superfan Roundtable. He said they'll be talking about Howard's wedding and what's going on with that. He said he wants to hear from the fans about all of that stuff. Howard let him go and went to break.
Robin got into her news right after that. She started off with a story about an autistic kid and his mother who were kicked off a flight because the kid was uncontrollable. Robin also read about a new spray on condom. Howard said that Jason could use that since he's got a big beer can penis. Robin said that it's a spray on liquid latex. Howard said that he wouldn't trust that because you could miss a spot.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed to be Dana's new boyfriend. The guy called in and did an Italian impression and joked around about what it was like dating her. He told Artie he didn't have anything to worry about because he has a tiny dick.
Robin read a story about this CBS reporter Lara Logan who is doing war reports from Iraq. She was apparently having a fling or two while she was over there. That led to Artie and Howard joking around about that for a short time.
Robin brought up a story about the temporary water falls that are set up under the Brooklyn Bridge. She also had some news about Barack Obama liking classic rock.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Artie she knew that he didn't come in yesterday because he lost the Anal Ring Toss thing. Artie said that was quite a blow to him and she must be right.
Robin read about Barack Obama saying that he doesn't have Scarlet Johansson's e-mail address and she's blowing the relationship out of proportion. He claims that he's only e-mailed her once. Robin had some other news about Barack and some stuff about George W.
Robin read some news about how child rapists can't be given the death penalty. That led to Howard saying that he's not sure about the death penalty anymore because there have been so many cases where innocent guys have been found guilty.
Robin read more about how ''To Catch a Predator'' has been canceled. All of the people they were catching were getting off because of a technicality. There was also one guy who killed himself after he was caught.
Robin read some news about some animal rights groups who are showing that cattle are being abused even after they were exposed recently.
Robin read a story about a teacher who was groping students during some lights out tag games. She had a story about Naomi Campbell getting kicked off stage for a benefit for Nelson Mandela. She had a story about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner not having marriage problems as some rumors were saying. She had a story about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt giving a million dollars to some Iraqi children.
Robin read a story about a guy who has been breaking into homes and dancing for the victims before robbing them. There was a story about a guy who was hit on the head with a baseball at a Chicago game. She had some more Barack Obama and George Bush stuff too.
Robin had a story and some audio clips about a shooting at a factory. The guy had been reprimanded for something at the job and apparently snapped. Howard said that he should be careful around there and asked if that guy was on Subutex. That got a chuckle out of Artie.
Robin read some news about the SAG actor's strike and what's going on with that. She also had some audio of Oprah Winfrey talking about Nelson Mandela. That led to Howard asking Benjy to find the blackest country in America so he can help them out. He wondered what the blackest country is on the planet. Robin said that it might be the Congo. Artie said that Eritrea might be up there too. Robin finished up her news a short time later. They ended the show around 10:45am.
Jon started the guys off talking about today's Win Fred's Money game. Gary said that Fred has been almost unstoppable and he knew which question he was going to miss today.
Jon asked Sal if he ever gets any of the questions when he plays along. Sal said that he thinks he's gotten one. He said that he doesn't get many. He said that he and Richard play along in their office and they don't get many right. Sal said that Fred really is a genius.
Gary talked about how good looking Danni was and how she was a ''real girl'' and not someone phony. Sal said that he got her pictures through his Myspace page and saw her stripper pole. He said that he was very happy to see her naked today on the show, he really enjoyed it.
Gary asked Jon about what Michigan is like since John and Danni were from there. Jon talked about the many clubs that are out there. Sal asked if he got a lot of blow jobs there. Jon wasn't talking. He asked Sal if he always has to go there.
Jon asked if they should talk about what was going on in the back office today. Sal didn't want to do that. Jon didn't bring up whatever it was that he was referring to.
Gary said that the Sybian ride was a great one today. He talked about how a woman has something happen to her lip when they get closer to finishing and he saw that with Danni today. He knew that when the lip curled up like Elvis that the rest was coming.
Jon played a clip of Danni finishing on the Sybian. Jon asked Sal if he gets off on stuff like that. Sal said that usually he doesn't believe that girls are getting off but this girl he did. He said that when she got into that moment he got some tingles in the pouch. Benjy said that it's 20 times as hot when a regular chick gets on instead of a porn chick.
Benjy said that he was at a Scores party a few years ago and it was so much hotter when this regular chick was stripping for him. Gary said that guys will try to get the waitresses naked at strip clubs because they really don't want to do it and that turns guys on even more. Sal said that guys love things that they can't get so that's why it's so much better.
Jon said it was odd how John didn't seem to be ready to play against Fred but he really didn't care. Gary said that it's odd when there's a mixed marriage and one person listens to the show and the other doesn't.
Another caller asked why they don't put Fred on first during those games. Gary said that they just use the same format with the game and that's the way they've been doing it all along. Benjy said that they should have fans call in and just give Fred trivia questions because he really is good.
Jon took some more calls and one guy wasn't there but had wanted to ask Gary if the Baba Booey song parody contest bothers him. Gary said it really doesn't because most of them are in good nature.
Another caller asked why they don't have a stripper pole in the studio. Gary said that a stripper pole can't be seen on radio so they don't feel the need for it. The caller thought that it would be easier for the girls who don't want to ride on a Sybian.
That caller was also saying that he thinks that the caller yesterday who complained about his radio not working just wanted a free radio. He said that he called customer service when he had a problem with his radio and they gave him two free ones. Gary said he was glad to hear that the customer service worked for him.
Sal said that he thinks that Dana and Artie knew that they couldn't stay together and now that Dana has this new guy they're bringing a final end to the relationship. Sal was comparing that to Elvis and Priscilla Presley. Jon didn't get the reference and asked Sal to explain. He had a theory about how Elvis' break up is what started his downfall and eventually killed him.
Jon took another call from a woman who said she's been listening to Howard since September 11, 2001 when she tuned in to hear what was going on. She said that she's been a faithful listener ever since then. She thought that his coverage of that event was amazing. She said that she listens to the show all the time but her husband doesn't get it. She said that the whole dynamic is strange and she tries to explain it to him and he doesn't understand it.
The woman was explaining what a great husband he is and how he's a great dad. Sal took that as meaning that he was loaded. She said that he's not but they do live comfortably. The caller said that she has a friend that listens to the show so she can talk about it with her. She said that she would like to be able to share it more with her husband but he just doesn't get it. Benjy said that he finds it odd that someone would tune in to hear the 9/11 stuff if she wasn't a fan before.
Sal asked the woman if she's interested in the anal discussions and stuff like that. She said that she found it fascinating in the beginning but not so much now. She went on and on about what she likes about the show. Benjy asked her at one point what her favorite color is since she was giving so many details. She said it was black.
Jon let that woman go and took another call. The caller brought up Artie and Dana again. That led to the guys talking about the mistake Vinnie Favale made not too long ago when he sent Dana that e-mail that alerted her to Artie hanging out with Penthouse chicks at Letterman. Sal jumped on Vinnie and said that was stupid. Jon and Gary defended Vinnie saying it was just a mistake he made.
Sal said that he loves Vinnie and he did make a tragic mistake. Jon asked him why he would trash the guy if he loves him so much. Teddy was saying that wasn't as big of an impact as Sal is making it out to be.
The guys ended up asking Sal if he's mad at the people who are invited to Howard's wedding. Sal said he's not but then he kind of goofed on Jerry O'Connell sarcastically saying that he should go because he's contributed to the show so much.
Jon took another call from a woman who said that she's a fan who has a spouse that doesn't listen to the show. She said that she listens to the show and loves hearing them just chat with each other and doesn't even care about the guests. She said that her husband would listen to the show if he could but he doesn't have the time.
The guys talked about Eric the Midget's call today where he threatened to break Fred's fingers if he played that audio clip.
Another caller asked Sal what he did that he was refusing to talk about. Gary said it was something embarrassing and Sal didn't want to talk about it. That led to the guy talking about how Sal is gay for letting Richard sniff his ass yesterday. Sal said he wasn't the one sniffing so he wasn't gay, it was Richard who was.
Gary talked about some of the interns they have working for them and how he still has to learn their names. He got one right when he named Emily who was in there with him. He said that the just learned her name this week.
Gary had Emily come up to the microphone. He asked her how long she had been there. She said it was about 4 weeks. He asked her who knows their names the best. Emily said that Benjy is the one who knows all of their names.
Jon said that Benjy does that every semester and he might be doing it because he was once an intern himself. Benjy said that he is kind of a minority there so that's why he does it. Emily said that she hasn't met Robin yet but Fred stopped in and said hello to them one day. She also got to talk to Artie real quick in the elevator one time.
Gary asked one of the guys there if he got to speak to Howard. He said that he got to have Howard sign a picture for him at the end of his internship. Gary said that Howard will let the interns come in and take pictures and get autographs when they end their internships. He said that he's really appreciative of the interns. Sal said that he's really good about letting them sit in on meetings and stuff like that and even gives them a welcoming speech. The guys had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked about the rumor that Adam was offered a shot on the show. Gary said that they never made an offer to Adam to sit in on the show. He said that he's not sure where that story came from but Artie heard it from his agent.
Jon jokingly told JD out to get his lunch and Sal called him a pompous asshole. That led to Jon talking about how Sal wouldn't know that he offered to pay for lunch. Sal said that's because he's busy saving him money by letting him drive in the HOV lane. That led to Gary asking Sal if he's ever paid Jon to help him out with gas money. Sal said that he has offered, once, but Jon turned it down because he's such a nice guy. He said that he has paid for dinners though.
Sal also said that the odd thing about Jon is that he shared a hotel room with him. He split the room with him and then there was a bet where he won $1000 from Jon and he told him to take the $130 out of that. Jon told him to make the gesture to give him the money himself and not have him take it out of that. He said it was too much of a pain in the ass so he didn't do it and still hasn't paid him.
Sal said he was trying to pay the guy but he refused to take it out of the money he owed him and he should have taken that chance. Gary asked him why he hasn't paid him yet. Sal said he's waiting for another $1000.
Benjy asked Jon why he owed Sal that thousand bucks. Jon said that he got caught up in that whole thing when Sal and Richard were going to lick their balls and offered to chip in the money.
Jon told Sal that when they leave the city there is no HOV lane and there isn't one until they get to exit 31 on the Long Island Expressway and it only lasts about 5 exits. He's not saving him any money by letting him get in the HOV lane. Sal said that it is saving him money because they're moving while the other traffic is sitting there.
Sal said that Jon got stuck in the traffic yesterday and called him on the phone and told him he was a cock sucking piece of shit. Jon said that he didn't call him that.
Benjy asked if Jon is really saving any time by taking Sal on the ride. Jon said that Sal riding with him does help him get home quicker. He said that Sal is fun to be with especially when he's farting, falling asleep and snoring. He said that all kidding aside he really does enjoy riding with him. Sal said he enjoys the ride too.
Sal said that he works on his comedy with Jon in the car on the drive home. He said that he actually came up with a joke about Gary on the ride home.
A woman called in and said that Michigan isn't as bad as some people make it seem. Jon agreed with her because he went to school out there and knows what it was like. The woman said that she lives on Lake Michigan and it's really nice there. She was all over the place talking about the show and wondering if her friend was listening to this.
The woman said that she tapes the show every day on cassette tape. Gary was surprised to hear that she could still find cassette tapes. The woman also went on to talk about how she got an S50 radio when it first came out and it was tough to find it. The guys cut her off and talked about the lengths that people will go to listen to the show and record it. Gary said he knew a guy who was taping it on his VCR so he had enough tape to hear the whole thing.
Gary said that Jeff Probst has been listening in West Africa where they're filming the new season of Survivor and he's able to listen online.
Gary said that he had a friend at ABC TV that asked him to find someone to hire to tape the show and mail it to him out in L.A.
Sal and Richard shared the way they used to listen to the show. Richard said that he would run his radio into his VCR and tape it all on there. He said he would go back and pull the bits from the tape. He said that there were some jobs where he almost got fired for listening to the radio at work.
Sal told Gary how he would play the show and record it and also record the phone calls he used to do. Gary said that they had a number that people could call to listen to the show and they used to have to change the number because people would get it and call in just to listen.
Jon asked the woman on the phone, Lisa, a few more questions and let her talk about how much she enjoys the show. She told Sal and Richard that she doesn't mind all of the gay stuff they do.
Richard talked about how he got tapes to listen to the show down in Orlando when they took Howard off down there.
Jon took one more call from a guy who brought up the King of All Blacks call today and asked Sal if he does that kind of foot stuff. Sal said he has a friend who does it but he doesn't do it himself. He said that his friend beats off on her feet and then wipes them off and the chick doesn't even know that. Richard said that he likes to see guys jacking off into their hands or some shit like that. Jon said they had to end the show on that note and had everyone get in their plugs as they ended the show.