| Monday | Tuesday |
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| Wednesday | Thursday |
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| Friday | Master Tape Theatre |
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Howard started off the show asking Robin how she was doing with her voice this morning. She said it was in and out and it might be an allergy thing. Howard asked if it was a ''healthy allergy.''
Howard also said that she's mentioned in the paper this morning. He said that it was an article about Robin claiming that she was going to leave the country if a republican got elected back in 2004. They pointed out that she's still here. There were some others who said that they were leaving but didn't. The article said that Eddie Vedder was another one who is still living in the United States, although he's moved to Hawaii.
Howard brought up Artie's appearance on Letterman last week. He asked Artie if he felt good about it. Artie said that he thought it was good but he does kind of feel the same way about that show that Howard does. He said he still gets nervous before he does it.
Artie said that he asked the guy who does the pre-interview, Matt, about doing that. He said he only had 8 minutes on the air so Matt said that they don't do that for anyone because it would bring it to a screeching halt if he did.
Artie said he brought up that Howard had done that once but Matt told him that Howard is Howard and he gets away with doing stuff that others don't. Artie said that he had Tim Sabean call Scott to smooth things over. Artie said that he had Letterman plug a stand-up gig and as he was doing that he threw in the SIRIUS mention in that.
Howard said he could feel Artie's pain during that because he figured that someone had asked him to do that. He said that Dave said to him ''Hey, ya gotta move them radios!'' during the break.
Howard played some of Artie's Letterman appearance audio clips. Howard played a few seconds of the interview but then fast forwarded through it to get to the part where he jammed in the plug for SIRIUS. Howard said he was trying to fast forward but it was taking quite a while. He tried to get to the end where Artie did his thing but he was skipping through the interview with just bits and pieces coming out.
Howard eventually got to the plug and listened to that real quick. Then he gave a quick review of his interview saying that it was a good appearance.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Artie he has to lose his cargo pants and shave. Artie said that he just looks too fat when he does that. He said that he doesn't look quite as fat when he lets the beard grow. Howard said that he should grow it down to his knees so it covers up his belly too.
Artie said that he had a sweat stain on his shirt at Kimmel recently and the same thing happened there at Letterman. He said that he looked in the mirror just as he was about to go out and he figured he'd just leave it. He said he walked out and saw Dave notice the stain on the shirt. He said that's why Dave said what he did about him getting dressed up.
Robin said that Artie is going to be known as the fat celebrity on those talk shows. Artie said that he has plenty of tape of him on those shows when he was skinny.
Howard said that someone told him that Artie wore the same outfit that he wore last time on Letterman. Artie said that it was a different shirt but the pants were probably the same.
Howard said that he was wearing the same kinds of things when he was getting fat. He's wear sweat pants and stuff like that. Artie said that he gets a lot of shirts from fans who throw stuff up on stage for him. He said he needs some pants though. He suggested sweat pants. Artie said that he wears those cargo pants for special occasions.
Artie said that he had another pair of cargo pants that he wore to his photo shoot. He said that they're the same pants but they fall down more than the other pair does. Howard said he's had the same problem with clothes that are supposed to be the same but don't quite fit.
Artie said that when he was thin he bought himself a nice suit at Barney's and got to wear it for a short time until he gained a few pounds. He said he barely fit into it when he was 190 pounds and that didn't last long. He said he's hoping that he can lose like 30 pounds over in Iraq when he goes there. He said that he hopes to lose like 15 before that so he's hoping he'll be down by 45 by that time.
Howard talked about going to the Big Man/Tall Man stores when he was fat and how he liked it because everything fit.
Artie said that when he's thin he doesn't have to worry about anything like that. Howard said that they should outlaw the big and tall stores because it's like they enable those people by fitting them with clothes.
Artie said that he's playing in a softball league and he's hoping that will help him lose a few pounds. Howard told him that he could ride a bike. Howard told him he should ride to work every day. Artie said that's what everyone in Amsterdam does.
Howard said he had Tracy call Marvel and ask them to send over a DVD of it. He said that they didn't want to do that because they're afraid of piracy. He said that he's not going to steal it. He said he and his daughter were planning a movie night on Saturday and he figured he could get a copy for them to watch. He said sometimes they'll send over a screener with your name imprinted on it. He said they said that they were going to send over a copy but they wanted to send over an armed guard with the movie to make sure they give it right back.
Howard said that he couldn't believe that they thought that he was going to steal the movie. He said that he gets that they want the movie back because he's heard stories about executives stealing copies of movies in the past.
Gary came in and said that they don't give copies to anyone because they're so paranoid about piracy. He said that they won't even give a copy to David Geffen if he wants one.
Howard got back to his story when Artie started to get into a different subject. He cut him off and told them about this offer he had to get a copy of the movie. At first he said forget about it because he didn't want to go through the hassle. He said he was going to go to the movies instead. Howard said that he was going to have one of his people meet the guard and then get the movie back to them. The guard wouldn't have been there in his apartment. He said they called back and said that they had to have the guard sit there and watch the movie with them.
Howard said that he turned down that offer and told them to forget about it. He said that he didn't need some dude sitting in the room with him and his daughter watching the movie. He did an impression of what he thought that might have been like. He was doing his black guy impression as if it was going to be a black security guard watching the movie with them.
Howard said that they were giving all of these conditions for the merger and it's really just B.S. He said that he thought that the article was saying that they had approved it but it was really just the head of the FCC saying that he would approve it if he was the only one making the decision but it really hasn't been approved yet.
A caller told Howard that the Incredible Hulk movie wasn't that good and it was like a remake of the 2003 movie.
Howard read an article about this merger thing and how they want the companies to give up 12 channels, each, to minorities to go through with the merger. He said that makes no sense to him.
The caller asked if Liv Tyler is still good looking or not. Howard said that she doesn't look like herself in the pictures he's seen of her. Artie said that he thinks she had plastic surgery or something because she does look a lot different.
Howard said he got his dad some cash to use at the race track. He said he got him a gift card so he could use that there. He said that he only does like $2 bets there. Howard said he talked to his dad for like 2 minutes. He said that's about as long as they ever talk at one time.
Howard said he spoke to his mother for a few minutes and then got his dad on the phone. He said that his father told him he blew all of the money on one race but he knew he was kidding. They spent a minute talking and then said they love each other and got off the phone.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would donate an organ to Beth if she needed one. Howard said he would not. He said he's not giving his organs to anyone.
Another caller told Howard that he works in Hong Kong and he saw copies of the new Hulk movie out on the street for sale already. Howard said that's how ridiculous that whole thing was with the movie. They're afraid of the movie being stolen but it's already out there.
Howard talked about some of the stuff that he heard about Tim. He played some clips of Tom Brokaw talking about Russert's death and breaking down and crying while he was talking about him. He also had a clip of Russert spelling Iraq with a K.
Jon Hein said that they split the season in half and they have about 12 more episodes left. They're going to come back with more later one. He said that it'll be back next year.
Howard asked Jon how he knows so much about that stuff. Jon said that he did have a web site about TV shows. He keeps up on all of that stuff.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that when she was at the Playboy mansion Hef would have people stand there and watch the movies when the movie companies would send stuff over. Howard said that's different because the Playboy mansion is like a corporation at this point.
Howard took another call from a guy who talked about the Hulk movie and how it was pretty good. He said that the end of the movie was worth watching. He said that they address the pants ripping off and all of that stuff.
Another caller said that compared the Hulk to Tony Stark in Iron Man. The guy had a few thoughts on that. Another guy said that he was amazed that Robin thought that it was the end of Battlestar Galactica. He said that she gets a lot of stuff wrong like that. He said that she's always so confident about stuff like that. He wanted to ask her a few more questions because of that.
The caller asked Robin what the five boroughs of New York were. Robin knew what they were and rattled them off quickly. The caller asked Robin what direction traffic goes on 6th Avenue in the city. Robin said that she's not sure. She said that she thinks that it's North. She was right.
Howard said that he's not even sure where they work. He doesn't know what the address is and he wasn't able to tell anyone where it was. Robin said she knows that it's on 6th and 49th. Howard got a note that says it's 1221 Avenue of the Americas. Howard said he knew it was the McGraw Hill Building too.
The caller asked Robin what the capital of New Jersey was. Robin said she thinks that she knows. She said that it's Trenton and got it right but she didn't sound so confident in her answer. Howard asked her what the capital of Connecticut was. She knew it was Hartford. Howard said he didn't even know that. The caller asked Robin a few more questions before Howard let him go.
Howard read some of the e-mails he's gotten about Eric and then got him on the phone. He said that he's getting spooked from taking his calls. Eric said that he doesn't care about those e-mails. Howard said that he does though.
Eric said that those people are no-life-having people and he doesn't care what they say. Howard said that he's fascinated with Eric. He said that he's so distracted by Eric that he stopped talking. He asked Eric about his glasses and if he got new ones or something. Eric said that they're not new. He said that he got them in January.
Robin said that Eric's eyebrows have grown back in and they're back to normal. Howard spent a minute talking to him but then said he had to get going. Eric said that he didn't even get to say what he wanted to say yet. Howard said that the audience has him spooked even though he's fascinated by him.
Eric said that he was calling in to talk about this whole Johnny thing because it hasn't been resolved yet. Howard said that no one cares about that. Artie said he was going to eat now. Eric asked him ''When don't you?''
Artie said that they could use Eric's calls like the old commercials on K-Rock when they could go out and take breaks and stuff.
Eric was saying that Johnny won't pay up for the stuff he's asked him to pay for. Howard said that he apparently doesn't think that he owes it to him. Howard said that he feels bad for Eric. He said that he's got a tough life.
Howard told Eric he had to go. Eric said that he still finds it odd that Johnny hasn't paid him yet. He said that he and Johnny haven't been talking since all of this went down. Howard cut him off and said he had to go. He said he's going to keep his conversations down to a minimum.
Howard said he could go on with him all day long but that's just him. He said that it was funny the first day talking about the Johnny thing but now it's getting old.
Howard asked Artie if he had any food left over. Artie said that he just had a bagel so far. He didn't have his breakfast Burrito today. He said they don't have them every day down at the place he gets them.
Howard said that Artie is amazing because he can gain 6 pounds after eating nothing. Eric was back on the phone a few seconds later complaining that Howard hung up on him. He said that he wanted to finish. Howard told Eric that he has to get his own show because this show isn't all about him.
Howard said that when Eric runs his own show he makes the decisions. Howard said that this is unbelievable. He said he feels bad for Eric but he also admires him for having all of these afflictions but he's still into all of this stuff he's into. He said that he's like an inspiration. Artie said that he's also an asshole. He said that he's a crippled kid who's also an asshole.
Howard said that he's inspired by Eric. Gary asked Howard how he could be with the attitude that Eric has. He said that he doesn't seem to try that hard to do anything. Gary said that he's a buzz kill and he drags everything down. He said that he just sees the negative in everything and drags them all down. Eric yelled out ''Fuck you Gary!'' when he heard that.
Artie said that Eric shows that even a crippled person can be an asshole. Howard said that he had to turn the camera back on to see Eric's head turning all blotchy from his anger. Howard said that Eric's face is like a mood ring. He said that his forehead gets all blotchy when he gets angry.
Eric called Gary ''Fa Fa Faggot'' at one point so Gary told him to show him the list of chicks that he's fucked.
Howard asked the guys if they saw the cross on Eric's head. The blotchiness was formed into a cross. Howard said that he thinks that Eric is a good person and he will go to heaven. No one else in the studio believed that.
Gary asked what happened to Eric's modeling agency tour. Eric said that's going to start soon. That's one of the reasons he wants to straighten things out with Johnny. Howard told Eric he had to move along but Eric kept asking him to wait.
Eric said that Johnny's son gets to drive around in a car worth over $100,000 and he can't even get him to help him get his car fixed. Howard told him that's because Johnny's son is his son. He said that Eric isn't Johnny's son. He said that he's going to make that happen for Johnny Jr. because it's his son.
Eric said that Johnny has a Rolls Royce in his garage that's gathering dust and he can't even drive in his own car. A Johnny impersonator was on the phone a few seconds later. It was High Pitch Eric doing his deep voice impression of Johnny. Eric knew it was High Pitch.
High Pitch said that Eric is a loser midget. Howard let the two Erics go at each other a little bit. High Pitch told Eric that he was going to send him a car, a Matchbox car. Artie said that he loves to hear a couple of sub-humans argue. High Pitch thanked him for that comment.
Howard told the two of them that he had to go. He thanked the two of them for calling in and let them go. Robin was saying that Howard is being kind of condescending to Eric the way he talks about him. He said that if he didn't have all of those problems he wouldn't put up with his nonsense. Howard said that Eric is a special person and he feels that way about him for that reason. A caller asked if they could merge Eric with oncoming traffic.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that David Crosby dedicated a song to Howard at a show recently. Melrose said that he was there yelling out Howard Stern and Baba Booey and David said ''There's always one in every crowd...'' and played a song. Artie thought that he was out of his mind and there was nothing there about Howard Stern other than Melrose yelling out his name. He wanted to hear more about that. Howard had to go to break first.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he rented a movie that Howard suggested and it sucked. He said that it was the movie ''Teeth'' where the chick had teeth in her vagina. Howard said he didn't love that one but he did like it.
Howard said that he watched Alien vs. Predator: Requiem and he loved it. The caller asked if they're going to have people in the studio for the Baba Booey song parody contest. Howard said they might. He gave the details about the contest and said you can find out how to enter at SIRIUS.com/HowardStern.
The caller asked if he could get into the studio for the contest. Howard told him that if he has some good songs maybe he'll make it in there.
Artie said that he met a kid out at one of his shows and he had a great idea for the contest. He said that if the guy pulls it off it's going to be the winner by far.
Howard said that he had some audio of Ronnie accusing Lisa of being in love with him. Lisa said that's nothing new. Howard played the clip of Ronnie talking about her and getting all angry about it. He was saying that she has to be part of the team there but she gets all pouty when she doesn't get her way.
Lisa said that she's not in love with Howard but she does respect his success. Gary asked her if she would go out with him if he was single and asked her out. Lisa said that she wouldn't do that if she was working there. She said that she can't even go there.
Lisa said that if Howard had a twin, she would date him. Howard told Lisa that a lot of co-workers date after meeting at work. He said that they might have to get permission from Mel Karmazin to make sure it was okay though.
Lisa thought about it and said that she probably would date him if he asked her out. Howard said that he'd take her out to dinner on their first date. Robin thought that he liked to have a first date at his apartment. Howard said that was back when he was on the down low and not going out in public.
Howard said that he and Beth went out to restaurants when they first started dating. He said that eventually attracted photographers.
Howard told Lisa that she'd have to put out for him almost every day if he was dating her. He said he doesn't know what it is but he has to have sex very often. He said it must be genetic because all Stern's are very horny. He said that he's pretty sure his dad enjoys a woman. He said he's not sure if it's his mother but he does enjoy a woman.
Howard said that Beth was working yesterday so as soon as he got home he went and got some Carmen Luvana porn and jerked off to that. He said he really likes that Carmen Luvana. He talked about the movie that he saw and how the guy was squeezing her ass and that got him off. He said that she's really good at blowing a guy too from what he saw.
Fred played a clip of Carmen in one of her movies where they were doing a parody of Scarface. Howard said she wasn't talking that much in the movie he saw. They listened to that for a minute and then Howard told Lisa he's not looking for anal on the first date or anything.
Howard asked Lisa how tall she is. She's only 5'3'' tall and Howard is 6'5''. Lisa said that he might be too tall because one day he was talking and she couldn't hear him because he was so far away.
A caller said that he heard that Carmen Luvana is out of the business after getting pussy cancer. Howard said that can't be right. The caller said that's what he heard from a friend of his who dated her. He said that she's in production now and not doing on-camera stuff anymore. That led to Artie doing his Dice impression and talking about giving her chemotherapy with the tip of his cock and stuff like that. Howard told the caller to get in touch with Carmen and maybe Artie could cure her.
Robin read something about Carmen on Wikipedia.org where it said she was going to stop working in the business but it said nothing about cancer. Artie continued to crack himself up with the Dice impression. He kept going with the cancer/fuck jokes. He had Howard laughing pretty hard at them too.
Lisa got back to her news preview. She said they have a new Page 69 clip where they talk about Jason possibly shooting some gay porn pictures for someone that works there. That led to Jason coming in and saying that this guy Kevin that works there gets a lot of mail from gay guys who have seen him there and they want to see nude pictures of him on the web. Jason said that he offered to take the pictures but Kevin wasn't interested.
Howard asked Jason why he would offer to do something like that. Jason said that all he did was offer to take some pictures. He said that he was trying to help the guy make a buck off the whole thing. Artie said that was really strange and he doesn't understand why he'd even make that offer. Jason said that there are people making a lot of money on the web doing stuff like that. He told Kevin to just throw pictures up on the web and make some money.
Artie said that was the weirdest thing he's ever heard. Jason said that he doesn't want to see guys naked but he also doesn't care if he does. He said that he takes naked pictures of Richard Christy all the time there. Jason kept pointing out that Will the Farter is making like $3,000 a month doing stuff on camera for the gay guys.
Howard had Kevin come in to talk about this whole thing. Kevin said that he gets a lot of messages about this stuff through Myspace. Joey Boots mentioned him on the air a couple of times. He said that other gay guys are really aggressive in their e-mails and stuff.
Howard and Fred did their impressions of Jason and what the photo shoot would be like. Artie was still shocked and talking about how weird he found the whole thing. Howard asked if they wanted to do their shoot right now. He had Jason come back in and tell them how he wanted him to pose.
Jason came in and started to shoot and told Kevin to look like he wasn't grossed out by it. Howard cut him off and told them to get out of there because he was getting creeped out.
Howard said he feels bad for Yucko. He said that Gary said something about Gary saying ''setting the table'' for the end of their marriage. He said that it's ''setting the scene'' but Artie and Robin said that the table reference was acceptable.
Howard replayed the clip and goofed on Gary for using that ''setting the table'' reference. The guys thought was okay but Howard was still goofing on Gary.
Howard said that Ronnie was on the Wrap Up Show and he seems to have a lot of thoughts. He was about to play some of his stuff but cut them off saying he didn't want to get into that. He had to go to break a short time later.
Scott came in and said that he doesn't work on it for more than a few seconds. He said he was just playing some stuff for a few seconds. He said that he usually works on the weekend and does it on his own time.
Howard said that he heard that Tim Sabean said that they had a guy fill in for Scott and the guy did all of his work in an hour. Scott said that guy didn't do everything that he does and if Tim wants to see what he does, he can sit with him for 8 hours a day.
Howard played a new song parody about Scott and Gary said that Scott was having a meltdown out there. He said he just came out and yelled at everyone. Howard asked Gary what Scott does out there now. Gary said that they took a lot of stuff away from him. He said that he sets up the studio in the morning and does Robin's news clips. Other than that he wasn't sure.
Howard asked Scott to come in and tell them what he's doing out there. Scott said he's been working on a lot of the specials that they have coming up. He said he's working on the game show special they have coming up soon. Scott said that he's also responsible for making sure that everything in the studio is working correctly.
Scott said that he's keeping busy out there. Howard said he was glad to hear that but just a few minutes ago he was asking to be fired. Scott said that he just doesn't like people lying about him. Howard said that he doesn't need Scott loafing around there because he's a high paid guy there.
Artie said that he was showing off for Tracy and talking to everyone there in front of her. He said he and Tracy went up to the dressing room and it couldn't have gone any better. He said that Sir Ben Kingsley was there so he got to meet him. He said that the guy told him that Sir Ben wanted to meet him.
Howard asked if Tracy knew who Kingsley was. Artie said that she did know that he played Gandhi in the movie. He said that he went down alone and that was best because it was obvious that Kingsley didn't really want to meet him. He said that he did the same thing with Paris Hilton the last time he was on Letterman with the 3 hot chicks.
Artie said that he got down there and Ben Kingsley walked right by him. He said that he thinks the guy was just trying to show that he could get him to meet the guy. Artie said that Ben didn't know who he was and he asked if he was the ''chap'' who was following him. Artie said he tried to make some small talk with the guy and told him not to get too many laughs out there. Ben told him he didn't need to worry about that.
Artie said that he showed Tracy where to sit in the green room and luckily Ben didn't have a big entourage with him. He said that he was sweating like a pig. He had her sit there in the green room while he went out and did his thing with Dave. He said that even though it's really cold there he was still sweating like crazy.
Artie said that Dave had to tape something for the governor before he went out and he was shivering in the green room waiting to go out there. He said that he was cold but still had the sweat stain on his shirt because that didn't dry out.
Artie said that he and Tracy exchanged numbers and said their goodbyes after that. He said that she didn't have time to go out to dinner with him. He said that she called and texted him about 3 times over the weekend. He said that he was doing the Man Cave thing all weekend so he didn't have time to go out with her. He said he's going to Dallas this weekend but he made arrangements to go to dinner with her this week. He said he's doing that on Thursday night.
Howard told Artie to take her to some fancy place. Artie said that he has a lot of places he could take her too. Howard told him to take her to his wedding. Artie said he's got a couple of girls on that list. He said that one of them is the hottest chick he's ever met and he might bring her. Howard told him that he should have a tournament there and bring in all of the people he's thinking about bringing to the wedding and have them compete for the spot.
Howard told Artie that his wedding is going to be kind of boring. Artie said that it won't be boring for the chick.
Artie said that Tracy got a lot of mail about what was going on with them. He said that he heard that she got some pictures of what her baby might look like if she was with Mike Gange. Artie said that he's kind of worried about his relationship with Gange now because he seemed to be getting upset when he was hitting on this girl last week. Howard said that Gange doesn't have any claim to that one. Robin told Artie to really piss him off by marrying that girl. Howard wished Artie luck with that one. Artie said that she seems interested so maybe things will work out.
Howard said that he loves that Richard's dad calls him like that. He said that Richard is really like his dad though. He said that Richard calls other people and just tells them about the littlest things. He had a message that Richard left for Artie about going to a Yankee game and how cool that was. Howard said that Richard is just like his dad. He was all excited about the game and meeting one of the Yankees.
Artie said that he liked that Richard was so excited about the game and meeting Johnny Damon. That led to Artie talking about how he's up 15 grand betting on basketball. Howard told him that he should collect his money now to make sure he doesn't get beat out of the big money again. Artie said that he's going to let it ride for now.
Artie talked about the Lakers and how much he hates them. He said that he thinks that the celebrities sitting at the games are just looking really goofy. He said that even Nicholson is looking goofy now.
Artie talked about some of the recent games and how much he's been enjoying them. He said that he's trying to decide what to bet on. Howard said he can see that money going out the window now.
Artie said that this bookie offered to get him the 60 Gs that he's owed from the other guy. Artie said he told the guy not to do that because he knows the other guy and he can't do anything to get it out of him.
Howard said that Cindy Margolis is going to be coming in soon to play a dating game so he wanted people to call in if they want to be part of that. He said that he'd fuck her in a heartbeat if he could. He said that she's still looking good at 40. She's got 3 kids though and you might want to get her before she hits the wall.
Howard had a Gary Dell'Abate mention from a sports talk show. In the clip a guy mentions Gary's name and they cut him right off. The producer must have know where the caller was going but the host had no clue.
Howard played a clip of a coach getting pissed off at a press conference. The guy was yelling about being robbed in a basketball game. He was a coach of a women's basketball team.
Artie said that was so embarrassing. He said he's glad he doesn't have anything like that on tape himself. Howard played another song that Sal performed and as soon as it started Artie said that it was giving him douche chills. The song started off with Sal saying ''Give me something to bug to...''
Howard said that Sal was probably thinking about making big money off of this song. They listened to a few more seconds of that and Howard said that he would have been better off calling himself ''Douche the Rapper'' instead of Candy the Rapper.
Howard played Sal's ''Take Me to Your Hip Hop House'' song next. It was another bad one. Howard and Artie goofed on him about that. Artie said that was another one of Sal's ''Get poor quick schemes.''
Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that he thought it was some pretty good rap there. Then he called Sal a ''such a fag.'' Artie wondered how much money Sal spent on getting that album made. Howard said he had to have spent over 10 grand on it. Sal came in a short time later and said that it was actually about 7 grand.
Sal said that he got scammed into some of that stuff. He said that he actually sent that shit out to some people and the guy told him it was hot. Then they charged him to make the album. He told Howard the story about how he got hooked up with that guy and then with the recording studio. He said that they had convinced him that he was going to be huge. Then they broke the news to him that they were going to charge him $7,500 to do it. He said that didn't make any sense to him because he thought he was going to be a star at the age of 16.
Howard told Sal that shows how stupid he is. Sal said he wasn't done yet. He said that he went to a legitimate recording studio and the guy didn't try to make him feel that great. He said that guy told him that it would cost him like $750 to record what he wanted to record. Then he went back to the other people who were obviously in cahoots with the recording studios. He said he told them that he could make the album for $750 but then the guy got upset that he went over his head. Sal said they sent him to another guy who said that he could do it cheaper.
Sal said that this guy made a call to another record company and they were going through a phony bidding war for him. This guy hooked him out there and gave him a price of $4,500. He paid that but it ended up coasting him even more. He said that he had to take out a loan to pay for it. Howard was laughing at Sal about all of that as he was telling the story.
Sal said the one thing that came out of that album is his ''Shake it'' song that Fred plays all the time. Fred played a little bit of that for him.
Sal said that he got his album made and then the record producer told him to have 500 copies made to send out to record companies. That cost him another thousand bucks. Howard laughed and told Sal he's an idiot. Sal said that he brought the 500 copies in two Bloomingdale's bags and dropped them off. The producer didn't even remember asking for them. Then the guy asked him where his 8x10s were. He wanted him to go out and get the pictures taken for another $700.
Sal said he went out to get the photos taken and that brought his total to over $6,000. Howard said that he's never met anyone who fell for stuff like that. Sal said there was more. He said he went to the photographer and the guy looked like he was smoking crack and stuff. He said that the guy had him setting up the room to take pictures. He had to tape the background down and stuff like that while the photographer was eating soup. He said the guy freaked out when he stepped on the paper and then had him using pencil erasers to remove the marks from his shoes.
Sal said that his mother ended up paying for all of this stuff for him. He said that the producer guy ended up forgetting that he had brought him the bags full of tapes. Howard said that he had helped the guy out by bringing them in bags that he could use for garbage. They goofed on Sal about that for a short time.
Sal told Howard that the guy was charging him for a bunch of stuff like publishing costs and stuff like that. That's how this all worked out to be around $7,000. He said that he never heard from the guy after he paid for the publishing costs. He said that he noticed that the guy wasn't in the paper about a year later and the guy had just changed his name.
Howard wondered if the producer guy even listened to the tape. Sal figured he didn't. Gary came in and said that he heard that Sal got really drunk at the second comedy show he did on Friday night. Sal said that he doesn't remember one word he said on stage during that show.
Shuli came in and said that Sal was rambling for 25 minutes on stage. He usually does a night tight set but not that one. Shuli said he went up on stage and tried to get rid of Sal. Bob Levy went up and yanked the microphone out of his hands and then Sal grabbed his mic and talked for another 2 minutes.
Howard played Bubba the Love Sponge's awful rap song that he made. He said that Bubba didn't have to pay someone to make his song though. Howard said that Bubba is better than Sal but not by much. Howard said that Bubba is a pisser. He said that you can make all the rap songs you want as long as you don't pay anyone like Sal did.
Howard said that he was never as gullible as Sal was. He said that Sal has an insane upbringing and that story shows you just how crazy it was. He said that he was spending thousands of dollars trying to become a star. He said that he knows enough to know that you don't pay someone to help make an album like Sal did.
Howard said that his parents would have looked at him like he was an idiot if he had asked for money to do something like Sal was doing.
Howard said he had a clip of the God Hates Fags guy talking about how they're going to boycott and picket George Takei's marriage. In the clip the guy who started the whole God Hates Fags group was going off on George Takei about getting married to his boyfriend Brad. The guy was asking why they're hiding the date from them if they're so proud. The guy wants to know when it is so they can show up and picket them.
Howard said that guy is a big civil rights lawyer and he'll defend blacks and other minorities no problem but the whole gay thing really sets him off. He said he doesn't understand how that effects the guy's life and why he'd get so upset about it.
Artie said that he thinks that these people are just hateful, awful people and they're not closeted gays or anything like that. Howard said that he never thinks about gay people during his day but this guy who runs the God Hates Fags thing is obsessed with them. He said that there has to be a reason for him to be so obsessed with it.
Artie said that it's really awful if they're going to do that to George. He said that makes him feel bad for George and it's just hurtful and sad. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Artie said that she is a hot chick and it is a big score for either of them. He said that if he was on the shoot for the bowling thing and saw that, he never would have made the move. He said that he really didn't know that he was that into her.
Howard told Artie that Gange shouldn't be angry with him. He said that Gange isn't dating her or anything so he has no right to get mad at Artie for getting a date with her.
Mike Gange called in and said that he's not that mad at him and he's not trying to make this a competition. Artie said that he was going to bow out of this whole thing then. He said that he knows for a fact that she likes Gange and he's going to let him take a shot. Howard said that Gange is like one of those guys who just brushes up against a girl and then thinks he owns her. He said that Mike should go out and try to get her but not lay a trip on Artie.
Howard told Gange that he's a pussy and he should have asked her out before Artie did. Gange said that he didn't ask her out but he's not trying to become her best friend or anything either. Howard said that Gange is a cock blocker.
Howard asked Gange for every man in the world to lay off of this chick. Artie said that this wouldn't stop him if it was some other dude. He said that it's because he knows Gange. He said he's going to let Gange do his thing and he's going to call off his Thursday date with her. Gange said that this is what men do. Howard said no man does this. He called him a pussy some more and told her to go out and just get the girl instead of crying about Artie getting her.
Howard said that maybe Gange should tell them about every girl he wants so they can inform the audience to stay away. Gange said that she has been texting him. Howard said that the chick has to make the choice and Artie shouldn't give up on her because of Gange.
Howard asked Gange to call them after a year and let them know that he hasn't scored with her yet so Artie can hook up with her.
Howard said that the girl said that she liked Artie better when she was in there. Artie said she never said that. Howard said he knows how Gange is and he's not going to ask her out. Gange said that he thinks she's really cute and likes a lot of stuff about her. Howard cut him off and said that when they have a court case where people are fighting for custody, they let the dog choose.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that she not only has a boyfriend but a live in boyfriend. Artie said that's not the information he got. Doug said they did a shoot at her apartment so that's what they got from it.
Artie said that he's been doing alright for himself lately and he has to let Gange try and go out with this chick if he's that into her. He thinks that as a friend he has to back off. Howard said that's not right and Gange isn't going after her like he should be. Artie told him he has 28 hours to make something happen.
Howard said that Gange hasn't even asked her out. Doug said that they asked her who she liked on the cast and she pointed out Gregg. She also said something about Ronnie the Limo Driver. She might just be playing everyone on the show. Howard said he had enough of this after hearing that. He told Gange to go dip his cock in acid so he can have a vagina since he's such a girl.
Artie said that he wasted a trip to Letterman on this chick. Gange asked Howard to say something nice about him before he got off the phone. Howard said that he looks good in a dress.
Steve said that they have a special coming up about colonoscopies and they're challenging Ronnie to do it with them. Gary said he's due for one and he'd be willing to be part of that.
Steve said that they have a story about Artie going to Letterman and how they didn't recognize him when he tried to get in over there.
Tracy from the Bowling Beauties show called in. Howard asked her what's going on with her and who she wanted, Artie or Gange. She said that she didn't know any of them personally yet so she couldn't choose. Mike Gange was back on the line too. Howard asked Tracy if she was into Gange enough to go on a date. She said ''I don't know.'' Howard asked if she was just being nice. She said that she thinks that he's a great catch.
Howard asked Tracy for Gange if she would go out with him. She said that she has a boyfriend right now and she's not sure she would go out with anyone. She didn't know anything about the Thursday date that Artie was talking about. Artie said that he told the guys that he was going to call her next weekend.
Tracy said that her boyfriend had no problem with her going to Letterman last week. Artie told her that she's got to be careful there with that stuff.
Tracy said that Artie is amazing and she would date him if she was single. When she was in last week she said that she would break up with her boyfriend to date Artie. Tracy said she was just joking about that last week and being a little silly. Artie told Gange to take his shot at this chick then.
Howard let Tracy go and moved on. He said that he doesn't like Gange's way of trying to lay claim to a chick. He said that he just brushes up against them and he thinks that they're his. He said that if he stuck with that rule then Ralph would have Beth because he did something similar with her back when he first met her.
Steve got back to his news preview. He ran down a couple more things and then wrapped up. Jon Hein came in after that and ran through is Wrap Up Show preview.
The guys ended up talking more about the Tracy thing with Artie. Artie said that this girl is up to something and her boyfriend should watch out for her. He said that he can imagine her complaining about not plugging her web site after dating her for like a month. He said he hates all broads.
Jon mentioned the gay photo thing with Jason during his rundown and that led to Artie going off on him about that a little bit.
Robin read some news about men's health and the symptoms of some things. Artie had a lot of the symptoms that she was bringing up. Howard said that Artie is really a mess. Artie said he was thinking about how much longer he has to live. He said that he's like a ticking time bomb and he's afraid that the heat over in Iraq is going to kill him.
Robin read some news about R. Kelly being found innocent in his recent court case. Howard took a call during that story and the caller said that he went through a heart attack at 35 and Artie has to watch out for that. Artie said that he thinks that he's had a bunch of heart attacks. Howard told him to go get checked out then. Artie said that he has to be there at 6 in the morning though. Howard told him they're done by 10:30 so he can go then. Artie said that he's a busy man.
Robin had some news about the flooding in Iowa, Tim Russert's death and a few other things. At one point Artie started to laugh his ass off uncontrollably as he was joking around about the flooding out in the Mid-West.
Robin read some news about Leona Helmsley's Will being changed after her death, Ted Kennedy's cancer battle, Savanna Samson topless sunbathing at a sports club, David Hasslehoff singing in a castle, The Incredible Hulk movie, Oprah Winfrey making a speech at a college and more.
Robin had some clips from the Tony Awards that Howard played. He and Artie ended up goofing on those clips doing their impressions of the songs from some of the plays. Robin wrapped up after a story about the movie The Love Guru and a story about a guy who has a clamp that was left in his chest after a heart operation.
Artie mentioned that his book ''Too Fat To Fish'' is available for pre-order on amazon.com. Howard ended the show a short time later, around 10:40am.
Gary said that it seems like Gange must have put in a lot of time with that chick. He said that she definitely gave an answer about dating him and how she seems to just want to be his friend. She said she was a great catch but didn't seem to be into him enough to date him.
Jon played a clip of Artie talking about Tracy early in the show and how he was worried about his relationship with Gange after what he heard.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that he thinks that Gange put a lot of time into this whole thing. He was having issues with his headphones so Gary and Jon had to yell at him to just talk.
Doug said that there are a lot of girls that come on the show who are hot but Gange doesn't get attached to all of them. He said that he really fell for this girl Tracy though.
Gange called in and said that he loves Artie and he's not going to get mad at him for this. He said that the problem was that Howard was talking about how great Artie was and calling him a scumbag. He said that he has to fight a little bit to show that he's there.
Gary said that it seems like both Artie and Gange got played a little bit. Gange said that she might be too nice to tell them to get lost. Gange said he knew from the beginning that she had a boyfriend but he's going to rap to her and talk to her. He said that she's a nice girl and he likes her so he's going to continue to talk to her.
Shuli pointed out that she was willing to dump her boyfriend for Artie if he wanted her. Gange said he thinks that she was just joking around at that point.
Jon asked Gange if he liked that Howard asked her out for him. Gange said that he was just fucking with him at that point so he didn't appreciate that.
Gange said that he's not going to hold a grudge against Artie for doing that. He said that Artie is a friend of his and he's not going to worry about that. He said that she might not have a boyfriend forever and maybe he'll be able to go out with her eventually.
Benjy said that he felt a connection to her and he's going to try to pursue her as well. Gange said he heard that she was creeped out by him but then he said he was just kidding about that.
Ralph called in and asked Gange why he's pining away for a girl who has a boyfriend when there are millions of girls out there. Gange said that he's not spending 24 hours a day thinking about her. He said that they just text once in a while and that's it. Ralph told him to tell her to fuck him or get lost.
Gary asked Gange if he has any pictures of her on his computer that are not work related. Gange said that he does not. The guys didn't believe him.
Gange said that he doesn't think that this is a waste of time because it could pay dividends at some point in time. Ralph said that he's basically laying in wait for this chick to drop her boyfriend.
Ralph also talked about the night that he and Howard met Beth. He claims that he wasn't into her at all but he did think he was out of line by taking her from him. He said that Howard just swooped in and took her from him without asking if he was interested in her.
Jon let Gange and Ralph go a short time later. Jon said that it seems that Gange was more angry at Howard than he was with Artie. Gary said that Howard is more than willing to help Artie out with girls and he doesn't seem to be into helping Gange out.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that it was funny that Artie's first breaking point with that girl was that she liked Ronnie. Gary said that he thinks that he was just wondering who might be next on the list if Ronnie was up after him. Artie didn't say anything about her liking Gregg but as soon as he heard Ronnie he seemed to react in an odd way.
Another caller said that he hooked up with a chick one time who had a boyfriend and she ended up slapping some rape charges on him. He said that they have to be careful with that kind of stuff. Gary said that he once had a girl's boyfriend try to run him off the road after he went out with her.
A caller said that Tracy's nipple looked nice in that Bowling Beauties special. He said that they kept popping out during the show.
Another caller said that he was thinking that this Tracy is very much like Yucko's wife and using Artie to try and get ahead. He said that he thinks Nicole used Yucko to get her name out there. The guys goofed on the caller for thinking that using Yucko would get her anywhere.
Shuli said that he did shows with Yucko over the weekend and Nicole ended up asking a guy for his shirt that showed a couple cutting their wedding cake and had some text at the bottom that said ''Huge mistake.'' He said that really pissed him off that she would do that to him.
Shuli said that Yucko and his wife were supposed to come on Miserable Men last night but they backed out about 45 minutes before show time. He said that he thinks that Nicole probably didn't want to do it and that's why Yucko backed out.
Shuli said that he could tell that Yucko was bothered by it and he really doesn't like what Nicole is doing to him.
Gary said that he thought Howard was a little hard on him going off on him for being sucked into something like that. Gary said that Sal and his family didn't do any research to figure out of the guy was legitimate and that's probably where they went wrong. Sal said that they didn't have anyone in the family who would know to that.
A caller said that he's surprised that Sal's dad didn't slap him in the back of the head and tell him to get back to work at the ''pits-a-ria.'' Sal said that his father was all about work and that's all he ever thought about. Gary said that the funny thing is that Sal's father was always spending the family's money on lottery tickets.
Sal said that he was dating the daughter of the manager for the Sugar Hill Gang. Gary wondered why he never thought to ask him about the producer that he was dealing with. Sal said that he never wanted to bother the guy about it. Sal said that the guy was out of the picture by that point.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Sal is a retard to have spent that money on his album. He said that he should have paid someone to come up with a better name than Candy Rapper. Sal said that he was trying to come up with something that was similar to the other names like Vanilla Ice, Ice T and others.
Another caller asked Sal if he ever thought about doing a rap Baba Booey song back in the day. Sal said that he did do one called ''Booey's Delight'' that was a pretty big hit.
Jon played a clip of Sal talking about his rap album nightmare rip off. Gary tried to figure out how Sal was paying off the loan that he took back then. Sal said that it was $100 a month and it went on for like 3 years. Gary said that didn't add up because he said he took out like $4500 or something. Sal said he didn't know what was going on there.
Jon took some more calls and one guy was saying that he turns the channel every time Sal is on the air. Sal told him to turn it now and kept talking over the guy. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that he thinks that Jason is just trying to make some extra money for his wedding and that might be why he's trying to get this guy to do the pictures.
Kevin came in and said that he thought Jason was kidding at first but then he realized that he wasn't kidding. He said that he never wants to do gay porn and that's why he's not going to do the pictures.
Jon played a clip of Jason talking to Howard about the offer he made to Kevin and how that all came about. After that clip Jon asked if Artie was the only one who had that reaction to the discussion. Jason said that he thinks that Howard was kind of freaked out by it too.
Gary said that he doesn't think that Jason was suggesting gay porn, he was just suggesting tasteful pictures that would appeal to the gay community. He started to laugh after saying that though.
Benjy said that they could do other things to make money without going to the nude pictures. He suggested naked girls instead. He asked Jason if he would photograph fans of the show in erotic pictures. Jason said that he won't do gay sex but he will take pictures of naked guys.
Jim McClure came in and said that Jason was trying to convince Kevin that anything he took pictures of would be anything that he's doing in his life so it wouldn't be gay at all. Jim said that they mentioned someone else that who may have been involved in this and Jason said that they didn't need anyone else to get involved.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jason makes him sick and even though he's a Jew himself, Jason makes him anti-Semitic. He said he's way too liberal.
Kevin said that he's gotten a lot of e-mails and stuff from people who are suggesting he just go through with it. He said he won't do it though. Jason said that the money is still there on the table if he wants it. Kevin said he'll leave it there.
Sal said that Jason has been taking pictures of naked guys for years on the show. Jason said that's true. Sal said that he'd do the same thing if he were Jason. He said he could never watch someone jacking off or anything.
Ralph called in and said that he has no problem with Jason taking nude pictures but he's really an awful photographer. He said that he can't take good pictures so he's not sure why this is going on at all. He said that he doesn't think that Jason is supposed to be good at doing that because that's not his actual job.
Ralph said that he sees the pictures that Jason takes and he'll end up goofing on the pictures he sees. He said that Howard will tell him about a hot chick that was in the studio and then Howard will see the pictures and he'll wonder what happened because they don't look good.
Ralph said that he's spoken to Jason about taking pictures of Howard. Jason said that he took his suggestions and that's what he does now.
Another caller said that George Takei is getting married today from what he heard. That led to the guys talking about the God Hates Fags people and how they're supposed to be protesting the wedding. Gary said that he would find it very disturbing to go to the wedding and then have that Shirley chick yelling out ''fag'' and stuff during the wedding. Gary said that family just freaks him out, especially when the kids are yelling about fags and stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jason is a fag for wanting to take nude pictures of Kevin. He also brought up the Tracy thing and asked if the guys really thought that the chick was going to leave her boyfriend for them.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that she loves the show and thinks that Shuli is on too many shows and she has to turn off the show when she hears him. Shuli said that this woman used to call Miserable Men every week telling them how great they were until they hung up on her.
Jon went to some more calls. One guy said that he doesn't like this God Hates Fags thing and he really thinks it's wrong what they do by protesting funerals and gay weddings. No one in the studio agreed with the God Hates Fags people.
Jon asked Gary about the comment that Howard goofed on him about this morning when he said ''setting the table.'' Gary said that he really didn't think he was wrong and Howard didn't let it go willingly.
The guys quickly talked about the Scott the Engineer controversy from this morning as well. Gary said that he heard the drum beats going on in his studio and he knew that he was working on his son's album and not on their work. Gary said that he wasn't the source of the story. There must have been someone else. Shuli said that he's going to be talking to someone else about it but they have to harmonize their voice so Scott doesn't know who it is.
The guys were trying to figure out who the source was but no one was sure. Sal gave some advice and suggested that the source not say ''dude'' during the interview with Shuli. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about the Scott the Engineer story where he's editing his son's music every day. He said he's still hearing stories about him. Scott came in and said that maybe he was doing someone else a favor. Howard said that he should only be doing favors for him. Scott said that he does stuff for other people too.
Howard said that Scott's smile gives it away for him and he knows exactly what's going on back there. Scott said that if they're going to get on his case he's going to go off on the people who go down and smoke for 2 hours a day. He said that they spend like 10 minutes on each cigarette and they're going down and smoking 10 a day.
Howard said that he's talking about Scott and no one else there. Scott said he doesn't get why they're picking on him. Scott said that his son's band is called Emergency Now and they'll be playing at the Starland Ballroom in Sayreville, New Jersey soon.
Howard told Scott that he heard that he's not just working on the weekend like he keeps saying he is. Scott said that if he's going to fuck with him then he's going to fuck with him too. He told Howard to have people sit in the studio and monitor him if he wants.
Howard said that Scott used to get upset when he'd be asked for a list of what he does every day but he's going to have to do that now. Howard asked Gary if they can have Scott do that. Gary said that they can have him do that but in the past he used to get pissed when Tim would ask for something like that.
Howard said that he wants to know how much work he gets done in that time that he claims to be working. Scott said that they can monitor him if he wants. That led to the guys talking about the game show special that Jon Hein is working on. Scott claims that he's working for Jon on that so Howard asked Jon if he's getting stuff back in a timely manner. Jon said that he is.
Howard put Jon in charge of Scott and he's now an underling of his and he's been demoted. Howard said that if Scott worked as hard on a cure for baldness as he does on his son's music, he'd have a full head of hair.
Scott said that he was just listening to his son's music the other day when he was working. He said that doesn't mean that he was working on it if he was just listening to it. Scott said that he doesn't get a lunch hour and he just listens to the music for his lunch. Howard told him he doesn't look like he's been missing any lunch.
Howard told Scott he's a mess and has to pull himself together. Scott doesn't understand why he's a mess. Ralph called in and asked Scott when he became a producer. Scott said that he's an engineer and that's what he's doing. Robin called Scott ''Mutt Salem'' since he seems to be producing this music for his son. Scott said that he listened to like 20 seconds of it the other day.
Howard said that he knows that it wasn't just 20 seconds of the song. He said he knows what's going on back there. Howard said he heard that he's not just working on the weekends on this music. Scott said that he could do it in the afternoon after hours if he wanted. He asked what would be wrong with that. Howard said there's nothing wrong with that but if he's doing it when he's on his time then there's a problem.
Ralph asked Scott why his son's band can't afford a real engineer at this point. Scott told Ralph to go back to sleep. Ralph told Scott to go start logging his day right now.
Howard said that Scott is treating him like an asshole and he's got to stop doing that. Scott said that he has worked his ass off for many years for his show and he's not treating him like an asshole.
Howard asked Scott who he was referring to earlier when he said that someone plays solitaire all day long. Scott said that he wasn't referring to anyone. He said he was just joking around and said that he was going to be taking up a new hobby. Scott said that he can't argue and he's really bad at it. He claimed he wasn't trying to do that with Howard but he was standing there arguing with him when he said it.
Howard said that he knows that he's working on his son's music often and frequently. Scott said that he's really not. Howard said he loves that he wants to help his son out but he needs him to work hard in there for his show, not for his son. Howard said that he wants him to put in 8 hours working on this show and put out as much as he can. Scott said he does that. Howard told him to pretend that he's his son and maybe he'll work as hard as he does on his son's stuff.
Ralph told Howard that he has to give Scott more work. Howard said that he should and he does want more out of him. Scott said that he's not getting lazy like Ralph was saying. Scott was goofing on Ralph for being lazy but Ralph said that's part of his job.
Howard goofed on Scott's new moustache and said that it's a big grey thing in the middle of his face. Howard said that Scott can do this and told him not to get lazy. He told him to be a team player.
Howard said that he gets reports from many sources about what Scott is up to in there. He said he doesn't want to have to monitor him but when he gets those reports he has to. Robin told Scott he's going to turn this into a real job if he keeps this up.
Howard told Scott that what he's going to do is put a star on Scott's bald head every day that he's good. If he doesn't do good he's not going to get star, he'll get a dunce cap on his head instead. Artie said that they should put the fist symbol on his head instead. He said that would be like what football teams do to their helmets.
Howard said that he's so confident that he's going to draw a fist on his head right now. Scott asked if he could pass on that. Howard told him that they could put the fist right in the middle of his head if he wanted.
Howard said that he did the same job Scott does so he knows what it takes. Ralph said that he and Jon Hein were talking the other day and he was talking about how slow Scott was. Jon said that Ralph was doing his job very well this morning and he didn't say anything about that.
Howard said that he doesn't want Scott treating him like his dog. He asked where that dog is. Scott said that the dog is about to get some surgery and the dog is still at home with him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Scott is walking all over him. Howard said that's why he's calling him out on this now. Howard said he knows what's going on back there and he's got to ask him to get back to work. He said that he's heard that he's listened to his son's stuff many, many times. That led into them playing the ''Scott The Engineer's Fuckin' Up Again'' song parody.
Howard said that he's heard that Scott is listening to his son's music when he has headphones on back there in his studio. He said that he's putting Sal in charge of Scott's work. The Howard TV guys had shots of him doing that.
Richard came in and said that he thinks today was great for Scott and asked to put a gold star on his head. Howard told him to go ahead so Richard put it on Scott's bald head. Howard told him to start focusing now and then told the guys to write ''focus'' on that gold star that Richard just put on his head.
Howard asked to see it again and got a laugh out of that. Scott said he's going to walk around with that star on his head all day long. Artie told him to make sure Mel sees it. Scott said that he already thinks that he's an asshole.
Howard told Scott to have his son change his band's name to ''Focus.'' Scott said that there was already a band with that name. Howard said that Scott's star was very nice and Richard did a nice job with that. Howard told Scott that he's not a bad looking man with that star on his head. Artie told him he looks like Gorbachev.
Howard said that they can put more stars on his head when he does more stuff right. Ralph told him they won't have to worry about that, he won't do anything else right.
A caller suggested that they put a helmet cam on Scott's bald head so they can watch what he does all day long. The caller also told Scott to get back in his studio and get back to work before he gets fired. Howard asked him what he does for a living. The guy said that he's a garbage man but he's making good money. Scott laughed at him.
The caller said that he bought a house out in Pennsylvania for $79,000 and it's 3 bedrooms with a 3 car garage. Howard said that he might have to move out to Scranton if that's the case. The caller said that he didn't even have to put any money down on the house. He said that he's just outside of Scranton.
Howard said that this guy has a job where they know how much work he's doing. They do a certain amount of work and they know if it's not getting done. He said that Scott could stretch his work out for weeks and they wouldn't know it.
Howard wrapped up with everyone after that. He said that Sal is in charge of Scott's work chart from now on. Fred played some ''Shining Star'' for Scott and then played his ''Fuck everyone!'' clip.
Artie said that he can imagine what Lisa G is saying to Scott out in the hall right now. He said that she's probably telling him how great his star looks.
Artie and Howard talked about how poor Scott is like a beaten man. They talked about how they'd like to see pictures of him as a child who had no idea what was in store for him.
Howard said that Scott is really the best engineer he's ever worked with. He said that he worked with a lot of them over the years and he could have taken most of them and thrown them in the garbage. He said that he has to motivate him sometimes though. He said that he's like a diva sometimes and he has to bring him back to reality.
Howard said that what they just saw was a power struggle. He said that he has to show that he can't take over. He said that discipline is very important in this job.
Howard replayed the clips and got a few laughs out of that. He played a bit the guys put together using those clips with some gay porn clips. Howard said it sounded kind of like he was doing his Ted Kennedy impression.
Howard asked what Tiger Woods did yesterday. Robin and Gary told him that he won in a sudden death game. The guys spent a few minutes talking about him. There was a picture of him in the paper holding his baby so Howard pointed out that the baby is very white. Robin said that Tiger isn't all that black himself and he's kind of white.
Howard said that they like taking those type of pictures for the paper. Artie said that he heard the single most racist joke about Tiger Woods. Howard wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it. Artie told it anyway and said ''How did they come up with the name Tiger?... His mother is from Thailand and his father is a nig**r.'' Howard said that was awful. He told him to report the people who told him that joke. Artie joked that it was Mary McCormack who told it as she was leaving the other day.
Howard said that he was reading about how this Al Sharpton works. He said that he threatens companies that he's going to boycott them if they don't change their policies and then when they pay him, he backs off and praises the companies even if they don't change their policies. Robin said that it's a shakedown and he's like a con artist.
The guys talked about how Imus had to go to Al Sharpton to apologize to him and how awful that was. Howard read an article about Sharpton where they talk about the payments he gets and how he demands these payments from the companies and then backs right off when they do pay up.
Howard said that the paparazzi got Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson leaving his apartment so now they can admit they're seeing each other. He said that she refused to admit to it on The View the other day. Howard said that Lance should come on this show and they'll do a real interview with him.
Howard said that Richard saw them out at the Iron Maiden concert over the weekend. He said that it's not secret that they're together.
Howard said that he saw in the paper that there is definite proof that the brain of a gay man is more like a woman's brain and a gay woman's brain is more like a man's.
Howard said that he's not sure why it was gone but the news department should dig into that story and find out. He said that maybe Mel came in and saw it and wondered why he was up there and took it down.
Howard said that they should get a picture of Scott and stick it in there one night. He said that would be the greatest thing ever. He said that they have to make that happen and get it in there with his big gold star on his head. Howard said he likes to see himself in that big display out there.
Howard said that Sal had written down 20 things that Scott had done already today. He wanted to read it but it was taking a while to make that happen. He eventually saw it and Sal wrote down the stuff that he was doing out there like ''doing nothing'' and ''removing the star from his head.''
Ronnie came in and said that Jay Thomas' picture was removed and replaced with Barbara Walter's picture. The guys figured that maybe they do that so she sees it when she comes in.
The guys talked about how Martha Stewart had something big going on yesterday and they were in the studio next to the Wrap Up Show. Gary said that they were setting up tables and ironing tablecloths to get every wrinkle out of them. They were having Emeril Lagasse cook for them or something.
Artie said that he loves that stuff that sees Emeril make on his show and he would have loved to have been there. Gary said that Artie was probably the type of person that they didn't want in there. He said that they were very frufru over there.
Ronnie came back and said that they had a bunch of posters up today and they had the Grateful Dead and some other posters up today. He said he had no idea who decides on who is in charge of that. He said he can find out by asking someone who knows what's going on there, Richie Beilenson.
The astronomers were using a telescope down in Chile to find this stuff. Howard said that his daughter was living down there for a while. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how she was able to speak the language very well. Howard said that there are 3 big Super Earths out there and he wants them to go out and strip them.
Howard read a story about the city shutting down a street there in the city so they can have people walking and biking down that street. Robin said she liked the idea and she's looking forward to that. Howard said that they got the idea from Bogata Columbia where they do something similar every year.
The guys were talking about pedicabs and how slow they can be out there on the streets. Artie said that he had done that one time with Dana. The Howard TV guys had a shot of that within seconds so Howard was impressed with how fast they are back there.
The woman said that she used to weigh 350 pounds and lost 200 of that. She said that her husband would cum very quickly when she was fat. Howard told her to bring another woman into the relationship and maybe that will help.
Howard took a call from Siobhan who said that she had a nightmare night with her roommate. She said that she was going to have a roommate but he turned out to be the roommate from hell. She said that she had to turn the guy down. Howard said he thought that she was squatting in her place but she said that it's a co-op now and she has to pay rent and it was just doubled.
Howard said that he's sorry that she had a bad roommate but he had to go. Siobhan said that she saw what can happen to someone if they don't exercise their whole life. She was going on and on so Howard cut her off and hung up on her. He asked what the hell she was talking about.
Ronnie came back in and said that he found out that the marketing group handles those posters out in the lobby. He said that's all he knew, he didn't know why Jay's picture was taken down.
Howard said he was reading about Tim Russert's son and how he had a tattoo of his father's initials on him and how great the two of them got along. The guys talked about how Tim was voted the father of the year at least one time. He and his son were very close. They spent some time talking about the stuff that they read about their relationship and how unbelievable it was.
Howard said that Amy Winehouse was back in the news after she passed out on a fan. He said that she's a real mess. He talked about some of the other messed up things that have happened to her before. Gary said that she had some clips out where she was singing some kids songs but with racist lyrics. He said he was going to find them so Howard could play them. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Artie said that he just mentioned that real quick yesterday and it shot right up that quick. He said that shows how powerful SIRIUS is.
Lisa said that there's going to be an audio version of the book available too. They may have Artie do the read for that. Lisa said that they also have a story about George Takei and his boyfriend Brad getting their marriage license today. She said that they have a story about Scott DePace's Video Caddy being used to tape the Wrap Up Show. Howard thanked Lisa for that and let her go a short time later.
Howard asked where Verne was because he thought he was ready to come in. The guys brought him in a short time later.
Howard said that he was reading this story about Mike Myers and how arrogant and moody he is on the set. He said it was in Entertainment Weekly. He asked Verne what he makes of this. Verne said that he's never seen anything like that on the set. He said that he doesn't think he's difficult to work with at all. Howard said that Mike has been a major good thing in his career so he can't say anything bad about him. Verne said that he's really not that way but he's right that he's been great for his career.
Howard said that it's not right to treat people the way they claim he has in this story. Verne said he hasn't seen that so he can't confirm it.
Howard said that he read that Verne has gone to rehab twice now and asked if he's all good and if he found Jesus or something. Verne said he didn't find Jesus but he has turned his life around and got straight. Howard asked if he drinks champagne or something. Verne said it was any alcohol. Howard said he heard that Verne went to Robert Downey Jr. and asked him how to beat this stuff. Verne said that he did ask him and Downey told him to just stick with it and he'd be fine. Howard asked Verne who he was in rehab with. Verne said he can't say who it was.
Howard heard that Verne got to see up Lindsay Lohan's dress when he appeared with her on the MTV Movie awards. Verne said that he did see up her dress and she was wearing pink panties. He said she probably didn't realize that she was going to be out on stage with him.
Howard asked Verne about his marriage and what happened with that. Verne said that they were married for just a short time. Howard said that she appeared on the show and she let him feel her up. Verne said they were only married for 5 days. They got the marriage annulled. He said that they didn't even consummate the marriage.
Verne said that he realized it was a mistake after people told him he was nuts for marrying her. Howard said that Verne did have sex with that woman and if he had video taped that he could probably sell millions of copies. Artie said that he'd like to see Verne banging Paris Hilton.
Howard asked Verne about gambling because he saw him out in Vegas one time. Verne said that he does gamble but not all that much. Howard asked him if he's a multi-millionaire. Verne said he wishes he was. He said that he's playing the part of the head coach of a hockey team in the new movie and his name is ''Coach Cherkoff.''
Verne said that he gets paid pretty good to do the movies with Myers. He said that he gets in the high six figures. He said he worked for about 3 months on this latest movie. He gets to talk in this new one, unlike the Austin Powers movies.
Howard asked Verne if he's still drinking. Verne said that he is but he's got it under control. Howard asked him how many cocktails he has when he goes out. Verne said he might have just one. Howard said that he's kind of worried about him hearing that.
Howard asked Verne how tall he is. He's 2'8'' tall. Howard asked if he ever prayed for a growth spurt. Verne said that he did but not until later on in his life. Howard asked him if he drank because of his height. He said that his parents treated him the same as his brothers and sisters who are average height. He said that he didn't realize how short he really was until later on in his life.
Verne said that he had kids who would tease him and stuff. He said that he jumped up and punched one kid in the nose after he made fun of him. He got his revenge on that kid. Howard wondered if he would have thrived in the world of little people if he was around them all the time. Verne said that he doesn't even really think about it now because he can deal with the way things are.
Verne said that he got laid last week and things are going good for him. Artie asked him how old he is. Verne is 39. Howard said that he remembers at the height of his popularity he was banging a lot of chicks. He was going to the Playboy mansion and banging chicks there. Verne said that he's had some fun. He said that he's not looking to get married again though.
Howard asked Verne what kind of condoms he uses. He said that he thinks they're Durex. He didn't remember the name so Robin threw out a few names and got it. Verne said that he'll have to talk to her later since she seems to know a lot about that stuff.
Howard asked Verne about the multiple women he's had and if he'll bang all of the girls at once if he's in a foursome. Verne said it's just about having fun with all of them. Howard asked if he had a former Playmate of the year. Verne laughed and said he did. He said that things are still going good for him.
Verne said that he's totally healthy and he's supposed to have an average life span. He said that they might live a little shorter life than other people because they have to do so many other things than other people do. Howard asked Verne if he has to climb onto a toilet to go to the bathroom. Verne said that he does.
Verne said that he has an electric cart that he uses to get around in crowds and stuff. Howard asked him what kind of positions he gets in with women when he's banging them. He said he just has fun. He didn't want to get into the exact positions. Verne said that he can hold his own.
Howard told Verne that he's really an inspiration to other people. He said that if he were his height he would be drinking all the time.
Howard talked to Verne about Heath Ledger's death and how he and Verne were friends. Verne said that they went out to dinner a couple of times and he had worked with him. Howard asked Verne if he ever tried to get Heath to stop doing the drugs. He said that he wasn't doing them that much and he thinks that it was just an accident that he overdosed. Verne said that Heath was way into his character and he wasn't able to sleep.
Verne even got a tattoo as a tribute to Heath on his hand. He said that it was a heart that Heath had put in his e-mail to him one time. Howard said that he should get one of those if it'll help him get laid.
Howard asked Verne if he ever got to bang any famous chicks. Verne said that he did but he's not going to say who. He said that he's had black chicks and Asian chicks too. Howard asked Verne who it was that he banged and threw out the name Denise Richards. Verne would only say that it was a B-list celebrity.
Howard asked Verne if he's ever fisted a chick while fingering her. Verne joked that he had but said he was just kidding. Howard asked Verne if he's able to hold out with a chick when he's banging them. Verne said that he can hold out. He said he just thinks about baseball or something.
Howard asked Verne if he banged Chyna or Bridgitte Nielson. Verne said that wasn't the one. The guys threw out a bunch of other names but Verne wasn't talking.
Howard asked Verne if he was going to write a book about his life. Verne said that he will do that eventually but not for a while. He said that he won't do that until later in his life. Howard asked Verne if he's ever had his salad tossed. Verne said he hadn't. Howard asked him if he has small bowel movements or tiny ones. Verne said he doesn't eat that much so he can figure it out.
Howard asked how big his penis is. Verne said that he'll just say that it satisfies. Howard told Verne he has just a couple of inches when he's small. He said that he's got like 6 inches when he's aroused. Verne wouldn't say how big his is. Howard asked if he's bigger than 5 inches. Verne said he is.
Howard said that he heard from Mark Cronin that Verne has huge bowel movements. Verne said that sometimes he does.
Howard said that he wants to play some Liza Minelli clips after Vern's interview. He said that she has gotten even more bizarre and she was rambling at the Tony Awards.
Howard asked Verne how he got involved with acting. Verne said that he had to stunt double for a 9 month old baby so that's how he got the job. Then Mike Myers was making his Austin Powers and the casting director found him and that changed his life.
Howard asked Verne what he did before he was acting. Verne said that he was working for the telephone company for a while. He said he was customer service.
Verne said that he lost his virginity around 17 so Howard seemed to be impressed with that. Verne said it was a full sized chick. He said that he's been with little people before too but he's just not attracted to them. Verne claims that he can get into a chick's pants within 30 minutes if he wants to. Howard told him about Mike Gange and how he's been working on a chick for like 6 months now and he can't get into her pants.
Howard asked Verne how much porn he owns. Verne said it's only like 3. He said he likes to see chicks. He likes the girl on girl stuff. Verne said that when he beats off he does it while he's on his knees. Howard thought that was kind of weird.
Howard asked Verne if people are going to like this Love Guru movie. Verne said that he saw it and it's really good. He said he got a lot of laughs from the movie. Verne said that Jessica Alba is in the movie and he did some scenes with her. He said that she's really nice.
Howard asked Verne who he's backing, McCain or Obama. Verne said he doesn't get into that stuff. He said that he wants to vote as a person and not as a star. Howard said he really wants to know who he's going to vote for. Verne said that he doesn't talk religion or politics. Howard said he hasn't decided yet and he has to watch the debates before he decides. Verne said that it's good to wait. He said that he just can't tell him who he's voting for though.
Howard and Robin asked Verne if he's gone to little people conventions. Verne said that he has but even those people are a lot taller than he is. Howard said that he thinks that Verne is the most popular little person out there right now. Robin said that she likes Peter Dinklage. She said that she likes Verne too.
Howard asked Verne if they will ever see a little person President. Verne said he doesn't think that will happen. He said that he would never think of running for office. He said there would be too much dirt on him that people would dig up.
Howard asked what goes on at a little person convention. He wondered if they bash tall people and plan to rule the world. Verne said that they call tall people ''talls'' but they don't bash them.
Howard said that he really thinks that Verne is the biggest star out there. He said that maybe Billy Barty was a star before he passed away. Now he thinks that Verne has to take over as the leader of the little people. He said that Verne is like the Tom Cruise of the little people. Howard asked if Tom Cruise is a little person because he's pretty short. Howard asked how tall Ronnie is. Robin said she thinks that he's about an inch too tall to be called a little person.
Eric the Midget was on the phone so Howard put him on. Howard asked Verne what he thinks about the word Midget. Verne said that it is a slang word for little people. Howard asked Eric why he still calls himself Midget then. Eric said that he's not the one who calls himself Midget. They call him a midget.
Eric asked Robin why she think he has medical problems. Howard said that Eric told them that he wasn't healthy. Eric said that he almost died in surgery when he was in his 20s.
Eric said that he's 3'6'' tall so Verne said that he could probably kick his ass. Robin said that Eric is in a wheelchair so he must have something wrong with him. Eric said that there are a lot of people in wheelchairs.
Howard asked Eric what he wanted to ask Vern. Eric said that he wanted to know about the Midget thing but Howard had already asked that. Eric asked Howard to stop calling him a Midget then.
Eric asked Verne how many movies he's done so far. Verne said it's probably been about 30 including all of the stunt work. Howard said that he was in one movie where he was in a Nazi theme park and got raped by monkeys. Verne said that was an interesting one.
Robin said that they've tried to get Eric into some roles but he refuses to do stuff that they ask him to. Verne said that it's tough to do some parts and maybe if they offered him enough cash he'd be willing to do it. Howard let Eric go a short time later.
Howard started to wrap up with Verne and gave him a plug for the new movie ''The Love Guru'' which opens this Friday. He reviewed some of the stuff that they had gone over during the interview. They talked about Vern's dating and how he has to figure out where to fine some regular women instead of dating the gold diggers that he's dated.
Howard asked Verne if he shaves down his pubes. Verne said that he doesn't have any hair on his head so he shaves down his pubes too. He said that he likes not having any hair down there. Howard asked him if he's ever nicked himself shaving. Verne said he has and he's had blood flowing out of his balls. Artie said he hates when that happens.
Howard asked Verne if he has any other shows to do today. Verne said that he's doing The Today Show and TRL today. Howard gave Verne some more plugs and said that Mike Myers has never done his show. Howard wondered why that was. Verne wasn't sure about that. Howard asked him if he has his phone number. Verne said that he doesn't but he gets that he wants his privacy. Howard said that Mike should move him into his house because he's made his movies for him.
Howard played the strange noises that Verne made during the taping of ''The Surreal Life'' and Verne claimed that it wasn't him, it was his stunt double making that noise.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Verne might be doing better with the ladies than Artie is. Howard said that he's doing better than JD for sure. He told JD to get in there so Verne could give him some tips.
JD came in a short time later and said he had no idea what was going on. He said that he got laid a couple of weeks ago but it wasn't worth talking about. Howard and Robin wanted to know who it was. JD said that he ''knows people'' but didn't want to say who this one was. JD said that it wasn't a hooker and he didn't rape anyone. He said he's known her for a while now and they just got in touch recently.
Verne suggested that JD just be himself and that would get the girls. Howard said that's the worst advice for JD. He said that JD needs a better look. JD said that he saw Verne getting laid in a club that he was at one time so he knows he can get the chicks.
Howard said that Verne isn't handicapped, JD is. Howard told Verne that JD was hanging out with Ryan Phillippe and couldn't even get laid hanging with a big star. JD said that Ryan introduced him to a girl and the girl even asked Ryan why he was introducing him to her.
Irish John called in and said he thinks that Verne banged Chyna. Verne said that she's fuckin' wacky and he didn't bang her. He said that she was calling him a midget and he told her that was wrong but she kept saying it. He said that she just kept saying it and saying it but she's just not right in the head.
Howard asked Verne to crawl up under Meredith Viera's dress on The Today Show and call them with a report. He said that he's pretty sure there's a big hairy bush up under that dress. Howard ended the interview a short time later.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to get to. He said that they have the new Miss Howard TV there and she's so hot that guys pay to see her even though she doesn't get naked on her web site. Howard showed Artie a picture of her and he said that he was getting woozy.
Howard said he had some audio of George Takei and Brad talking about their upcoming marriage. He said that they may have prices themselves out of getting George on the show because he's gotten so popular lately. Howard said that even Brad has come out of hiding and is going on these shows with George now. He played the clip where George and Brad talked about their September wedding.
Howard played some audio of Liza Minelli at the Tony Awards. As soon as he started to play the clip he started laughing. Howard said that she was a really talented woman but he's not sure what's going on with her now. In the clip Liza sounded like she had something in her mouth so Howard and Robin tried to do their impressions of her. Robin used to be able to do an impression of her but this new voice Liza had was tough to duplicate.
Howard was doing an impression that was pretty close to what he was hearing. Robin was getting better at it too by the time the clip was over.
Howard said that they had a game to play where they play clips of the late Cliff Palette saying celebrity names and the player has to guess what it is. Henry Hill was on the phone so Howard let him play. He was having some trouble getting the CD to play.
Howard played the first one which was a tough one. Henry didn't know what the answer was. Howard said that he didn't even have the correct answer so the game wasn't really working. Gary said that they had the audio of the right answer after that track. Howard said that he wanted the names on paper so he would know what the answers were before hand. Howard ended up going off on Gary making fun of him and making his ''Boff, boff, boff!'' barking sound while Fred played some dog barking clips. Howard said that Gary is like a pit bull.
Howard replayed the clip and tried to get Henry to guess. Henry still had no idea what the name was. Howard told him to guess that it was Mel Gibson or something instead of Mel Thompson.
The name that they were trying to guess was Gizelle Bundchen. Artie said that he had guessed that but didn't say who it was. Howard let Henry get in a plug for his art that he sells on eBay.com. Search for Mob Art on eBay and you'll find his stuff.
Howard let Henry go and ended up arguing with Gary again. Howard said that he got a lot of mail about Gary and how he said ''setting the table'' instead of the correct term which was ''setting the scene'' or something like that. Howard said that he knew that Gary wasn't making any sense. He said that ''setting the table'' is not the right phrase that he was going for. Gary insisted that it was a term used in sports and it was not improper.
Howard read some of the e-mails that he got about it and said that there were like 50 e-mails but he narrowed them down to 5. Gary continued to argue with Howard and said that there were like 3 total. Howard told him to get out of the studio.
Howard said that people looked up the term and found that it was ''setting the stage'' and not ''setting the table.'' Gary said that he's still right and it was an acceptable use of that term. Howard said that it's wrong and it's ''setting the stage'' but even he was confused and kept saying ''scene'' instead of ''stage.'' He blamed that on Gary too.
Howard said that Gary uses shit improperly all the time and he refused to accept that he's wrong. He told Gary to leave him now and to leave him alone. He said he's been trying to teach him for years and he learns nothing. That led to him playing a Baba Booey song parody and then plugging the Baba Booey song parody contest that they have going on now. You can find out more at SIRIUS.com/HowardStern.
Howard played a few recent entries for the song parody contest. He whipped through a bunch of them and said he liked a bunch of them. Some of them were simply Baba Booey repeated over and over, others were full blown songs with stories about Gary's teeth.
Howard said there were a million of them. He whipped through a bunch and said that Gary is being a very good sport about the whole contest. There's a $5,000 grand prize for the winner of the contest.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone so he let him sing some of his own Baba Booey stuff. Howard tried to ask him a question but Shoes didn't hear him and kept talking. Howard hung up on him and took another call.
Howard played the next Cliff Palette clip and let the guy try to answer. It was Gwyneth Paltrow but Howard didn't get it right away. Robin got it right off. Artie got it and gave the guy a hint. He said that the name was mentioned earlier in the show. The caller had no clue and asked for another one. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy because he couldn't just give away the answer.
Howard took another call but the guy didn't even know he was on the air. The next caller got it right when he guessed it was Gwyneth Paltrow. Howard gave him the $500 prize.
Howard talked to the girls for a short time and found out that Willie's daughter is the tour masseuse and rubs down the crew and sometimes her own father. Howard also asked her about what else she does and if she jerks guys off when she's massaging them. She said that she doesn't do that stuff for money. She would only do that for her husband.
One of the Barbie Twins said that Willie's daughter looks kind of like Liv Tyler. Willie's daughter said that her boobs are pretty small so she doesn't wear a bra. Artie said that she'd probably be perfect if she had bigger tits.
Howard said he'd like to meet Willie's daughter, he wants to see her. He asked if she rubs his feet and stuff like that. She said that she does do that because if she doesn't do it, no one will.
Howard asked the girls if they wanted to play the game. They said they could and they're going to give the money to a charity if they win.
Howard asked Willie's daughter if she sings. She said that she has her own band with Arlow Guthrie's daughter. Howard moved on to the game and played the next name that Cliff Palette said. Howard got it right away. Robin got it too. The girls on the phone were guessing it was Heidi Klum. They got it right.
Howard thanked Arlen Schumer for giving him a book called ''The Silver Age of Comic Book Art.'' He said that his cousin is in the book because he did some covers of some books.
Howard had the guys bring in some notes for this girl Christine who is the latest Miss Howard TV. Howard read that she considers herself an expert in sex. She's married and her husband was there. Howard seemed to get a little bummed when he heard that.
Howard said that Mike Gange had spoken to this girl so that must mean that Artie can't talk to her now. He went off on Gange talking about how he was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday sounding like a bitch. He played some clips of Gange crying about how he didn't have anyone on his side in the studio and how he was looking like a douche.
That led to Mike and Howard arguing about the whole girl thing. Mike was claiming that there is a code of men and if a guy is interested in a girl, the friend backs off. Howard said that's the code of douche bags. He said that you don't hit on someone that your friend is dating but Gange isn't dating that girl. Howard said that this girl Tracy was talking to everyone there and it wasn't Gange's girl. Howard said that Gange was taking a shot at this girl but it was taking him 6 months to do it. Howard told him that it's over and she wasn't interested in him. Gange said he knows that now.
Howard said that he's not against Gange like he thinks he is. Gange said that Howard treats him like crap and he doesn't know why. Howard told Gange that he has to just ask this girl out instead of trying to work her for 6 months. Gange said that she had a boyfriend so he wasn't going to try and steal her away right away. He said that he had to do a slow burn and let it happen.
Howard told Gange he has no shot at this girl and if he wants a shot, he should go shoot himself. He said that this girl just isn't into him and she said that when she called in. Howard said that she's been living with this guy for a long time and she has no interest in him. She's trying to be nice so they remember her for something else on Howard TV.
Howard asked if there are other girls there that no one else is allowed to hit on. Gange said there might be a few more.
Howard asked Christine if she would dump her husband for Gange. She said that she would have to think about that. Howard said that it looked like Christine was wearing stars over her nips this morning. She said she was.
Christine said that she saw that girls were making money doing this so she figured she could go for it too. She said that she has done some subtle nudity on her site like when she had chocolate on her breasts and you could kind of see her nipples.
Howard read that Christine had messed around with girls before so he asked her about that. She said that it was mostly boobs and up and some kissing.
Christine said that she likes all hair removed from a guy's balls. She said that her husband removes it all and he uses a razor. Howard said he can't imagine doing that because he'd be afraid of cutting himself.
Howard said that Christine's web site is at IDreamOfChristine.com. He read that she makes a lot of noise in bed and asked her what she sounds like. She didn't want to do the impression of it for him though. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later.
Howard read that Christine let her husband sleep with another woman. He asked her about that and she said that they all did stuff to each other. Christine said that she loved watching her husband bang the other chick. She said that they were all pretty drunk that night. Howard said he had to meet this guy. He had the guys bring him in.
Howard said that this guy is his hero. He said he was a regular guy and he had this hot chick. The guy said that he met a long time ago. Christine said that they've been together for 9 years. The guy said that he switched between the two girls that night. Howard said that must have been the best night of his life. The guy said it was a pretty good memory for him. He said he hopes that it happens again some day.
Howard asked what the girls were doing to this guy. Christine said that they were actually blowing him at the same time in the club. Howard said that Artie was falling asleep there. Artie said that he wasn't sure what was going on there.
Christine showed the guys her boobs with pasties on. Artie didn't seem so excited about it though. Howard wrapped up with Christine and her husband a short time later. Christine said that they may hook up with that other chick again sometime. They've stayed in e-mail contact since that time.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about how Christine's husband wasn't all that great looking. Fred said that Gange should be feeling pretty good about himself after seeing that guy. Gange said that Christine and her husband met in Walgreens and when they'd be working together they'd have sex all over the store and they'd get caught.
Howard goofed on Gange some more about his lack of balls when it comes to just asking girls out. He said that Jim Florentine just came in and asked Robin out and she jumped on that. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that he had the Top 5 songs and one of them was ''I Kissed A Girl'' by Katy Perry. He played that one quickly and kind of liked the idea of the song. He had Steve Langford come in after that.
Steve said he has more on the Colonoscopy Carnivale that they're trying to put together. He said that they also have some news about some voice mail messages that have been left on Hulk Hogan's voice mail recently. Steve said that they have some news about Jerry O'Connell who was on Greg Fitzsimmons' show last night.
Steve said that today is the anniversary of the infamous prank call to ABC news during the OJ Simpson chase. Howard said that he thought he was going to announce that it was the anniversary of the wire cutting in Cleveland when they were doing a remote broadcast out there. Steve wasn't sure of the date and gave Howard a strange reaction.
Howard said that Steve didn't like that he trumped his story with his mention of the wire cutting. Jon Hein came in and went over the stuff they were going to try and cover today on the Wrap Up Show.
Robin read through some other news about a woman who may have killed her husband, Al Gore coming out in support of Barack Obama, a gay marriage in California, the brains of gay people being found to be similar to the opposite sex, Tiger Woods winning his third U.S. Open, a new eco-friendly car that Honda just released, a phony doctor giving women gynalogical exams, David Hasslhoff being back on ''America's Got Talent,'' Tori Spelling's new show, the Catholic Church banning the shoot of a new movie and more.
Robin also read some sports news about basketball and baseball. She talked about Amy Winehouse fainting out in public and also Anne Hathaway in Get Smart. That led to Howard and Artie talking about how they're not sure this movie is going to go over very well compared to the old TV shows. Howard said that there's no chance it'll be any good. He said the old TV shows were the best.
Artie was just about passing out again so he didn't even remember that Verne Troyer mentioned that Jessica Alba was in the new ''The Love Guru'' movie. Robin had Howard playing some audio clips of Alba talking about how great Mike Myers was. Robin went through a few more stories and wrapped up. Howard ended the show around 10:35am.
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Gary said that he had a story from the back room to tell. He said he went out to the green room to say hello and he wondered if the headphones were going to work with the size of his head. He said that he worried that Verne was going to have trouble getting up on to the couch in the studio. He said that the TV guys were worried about that as well. Gary said he asked one of Vern's people if he needed help getting up. The guy said he'd be fine if it was a regular sized couch. Gary said that's the kind of stuff that you have to worry about when you have a guy that size on the show.
Gary said that Benjy was telling him that he thinks that the size difference between them and Verne is like the size difference between them and Howard. Benjy said that's the way he felt when he looked down at Verne today and then looked up at Howard.
Jon talked about the first time Verne was on the show with his wife. Gary said that Verne seemed to be in a better place today than he was in the past.
Jon went to the phones and one guy said that Verne is really small but he's freaky small. He said that he's so small he's barely the size of the back of a chair if he stands on a chair. The guy also asked why they can't ever see musical performances on Howard TV. Gary said that they can't play music because they have to clear the music and they don't have a budget for that. Doug Goodstein said it has nothing to do with budget, it has to do with the terms they look for. He said that it would cost maybe 50-60 grand if they did want to put them on.
Gary said that they tried to get 20 seconds of Back in Black for Artie's DVD and it was going to cost him 100 grand. Doug said that the terms they look for with the songs are just too much for the record companies and they don't want to make the deal.
Doug said that they have the rights from Cyndi Lauper's song and Carley Simon is going to give them limited rights to one of her songs this week. That doesn't happen very often though.
Gary said that they had the rights to that song ''This Is How We Do it'' and it turns out that they probably didn't have the rights to play that one. They used to use it all the time on the show when they needed a song to play during a segment.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up Vern's chick banging stories and how he doesn't believe them. Gary said that there are some stories about him banging chicks at the Playboy mansion so he's not sure if they're urban legend or not.
Another caller said that the interview with Verne was spot on and very good. He also told Gary that it's a good thing he's going over to Iraq and his buddies are looking forward to seeing him over there.
Ralph called in and said that he heard that other caller saying that he was bootlegging Howard TV shows and sending them over to Iraq. Gary missed that. Ralph went on to say that he heard stories from his buddy Hunter that Verne was definitely out banging Playmates.
Ralph said that he didn't check in with Scott after the call this morning but he's going to check into it to see if he's working as hard as he should be. He said he'll be his supervisor.
Jon and Gary talked about Mike Gange and all of the stuff that's been going on with him. They talked about how he seems to have a sense of entitlement when he meets a chick. That led to Gary talking about how Mike once said that he thought he could get Tori Spelling so Howard dragged him into the studio and made him confront her when she was on the show.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he can vouch for Vern's stories because he's seen him out with some of the hottest chicks. He said that he saw Verne get out of a limo and he had a whole entourage of little people with him. Gary said he thinks that Verne was represented by little people at one point. That might be who this guy saw in the limo.
The guys talked about what Verne was saying about the requirements for little people and how they have to be 4'6'' tall and under. That led to the guys talking about Marty the Midget and how he's all over TV and movies now.
Jon wondered why Verne wanted to keep his political views to himself. Benjy said that a lot of little people seem to be very conservative when it comes to that stuff.
A caller asked the guys if they noticed that Artie was really out of it today. Gary said that some of the guys did notice that. JD said that he saw him when he was in for the Verne Troyer interview and he did look very tired.
Mike Gange came in so he asked the caller why his code of men was bullshit. Gange said that he was nobody to the chick but he was putting in the work with her. He said he was trying to get something going with her.
Gange said that he was trying to work it with her and then Artie came in and basically said that he wanted to take her. Gange doesn't think that there's anything wrong with trying to get a girl from some dude if you don't know the other guy. He said that he has loyalties to his friends and he's not going to fuck over his friends.
Benjy asked Mike if he can lay claim to more than one girl at a time. Gange said he wouldn't do that. He said he doesn't have any claims to any girls at this time. Jon asked him how long they have to wait for the girl to be free game again. Gange had this all worked out and said that it would be fine if his friend knew that he wasn't into the girl anymore. Gange also said that it wasn't 6 months like Howard was saying either. He said that at best it was two months.
Gary told Gange that there was a guy there who had a girlfriend who he broke up with. That girl is now dating a different guy who works there. He asked Gange if he broke the code. Gange said that he did, but just a little bit. He knew who Gary was talking about and he thinks that he and Artie are closer than those other two guys are.
Gange was saying that he's basically calling shotgun with the girls and whoever gets in the first mention should get the chance to get the girl. A caller told Gange that this is all stupid and you just can't do this. The guy told Gange that he's fat and ugly and he's making too much out of this. He said that it's too complicated and he has no right to be pissed at Artie. Gange said that if that's the case maybe he'll try to steal his girlfriend. He asked the guy ''What's his name?''
Benjy said that Gange once did this to him. He said that he told Gange that he liked a girl and Gange went after her anyway. Gange said that he and Benjy were starting to go after her at the same time so that was different. Gange said that he would ask Benjy if he was into the chick and Benjy would tell him that he just liked her as a friend. He said that if he had said yes to him, he would have backed off. Gange said that he tried hard with that chick but all he got to do was cuddle in bed with her.
Another caller said that Gange should call this the ''code of friends'' instead of men because that's what he's really talking about. The guy also said he saw a boat named ''Baba Booey'' recently and wondered if that was Robin's boat. Gary said that's the last thing Robin would name her boat. He said she doesn't want to draw attention to herself.
Another caller said that the chick Tracy was saying that she was going to take Artie out to dinner if she won the Bowling Beauties thing. Gange said that she already knew that she had lost because she had taped that show already. She knew she wasn't going to have to go out to dinner with him because of that.
Benjy said that he thinks she's still interested in dating Artie but she can't say that too much because she's still living with her boyfriend.
Jon took some more calls and let some other fans go off on Gange about all of this stuff. One woman asked Gange how long that chick has been with her boyfriend. Gange didn't know. The woman asked if there should be a code with guys where they don't try to hit on someone else. She said that it's pretty obvious that the girl wanted to be part of the show and that's why she's hitting on everyone there like Artie, Gange and even Ronnie. She also wondered why Gange would want to be with a girl who was so willing to give up her boyfriend to date someone from the show.
The guys said that she doesn't know for a fact that the girl was going to do that stuff just to get on the show. Gary argued with the woman on the line saying that she doesn't know what reasons she was hitting on them and if she does it outside of the show too. She said that she doesn't think it's right that he was hitting on women who are dating other people. Gange said that he's dated women who had boyfriends when he started dating them. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that he was trying to think of a good way to say what he wanted to say about Scott. He said that he's kind of the fly in the ointment there. He said that Scott will deny doing something at first but then he'll eventually calm down and back off.
Jon played a clip of Scott and Howard arguing and Scott going off on the people who smoke for 2 hours a day there.
After that clip Jon asked Scott if he felt better after that. Scott said that he did get it out of his system. Gary said that it's funny that Scott smoked up until pretty recently and he was throwing people under the bus. Scott said that he never had to go down to the street to smoke when he was doing that. He was able to smoke in his studio.
Gary said that he knows a woman who is unable to have a cell phone or browse the web for anything that's not work related and she has no freedom at all. Scott said that most people are going on the web and doing stuff that's not work related.
Jon said that he thinks that the guys were trying to figure out if Scott could get his work done quicker than he does. The guys talked about how Scott seems to get it worse than anyone there. Gary gets some of it but not as much as Scott does. Benjy said that Scott is in a different position than Gary so he takes it in a different way.
Gary said that he thinks that Scott might get it worse than he does but it all depends. He said that sometimes his stuff can be worse because it undercuts him with the people that he's in charge of.
Gary said that he has had Howard goof on him on the first day they have new interns there and it undermines his authority.
Jon went to the phones again and one guy said that he thinks that Doug is getting really bad about making it seem like he's a type-a personality when he's really not. He said that Doug brags that he works so hard but it doesn't come over very well when he does that.
The caller also said that no one there is skipping lunch. Jon said that they don't skip eating, they bring up a lot of fast food. They do work from their desks though.
Scott said that he just had to play some of his son's music and pull a clip for Howard 100 News. He said that he has to do work for the show if they ask him for something like that. Jon said that he read that Scott was starting to work around 3:50 this morning. JD wasn't so sure about that. He said that he sees him come in and sit at his computer but he sees him on Fantasy Baseball sometimes. Scott said that he hears JD playing porno clips in his studio.
Jon read more about what Scott was up to this morning and asked him about some of that. He asked him if he gets set off when people like Sal start goofing on him. Scott said he gets set off very easily.
Jon took a call from a guy who had some theories for why Howard did what he did this morning. Another guy said he had two questions and asked Scott if he really believes that he only works on his son's stuff for two minutes. Scott said that he was just playing it for someone and he wasn't working on it.
The caller also had an idea to run past them called ''American Flabiators'' where they could put up $5,000 to have fat guys battling each other. JD said he thinks that they pitched the idea at a meeting but he didn't want to get involved in that. Jon put the guy on hold so they could get his information.
Another caller said that everyone on the show seems to be paid interns and they're always complaining about their jobs. He said that if they worked for him they'd be fired. Jon said that Howard did say that Scott is the best engineer he's ever worked with but then he went off on him for the rest of the time he was in there.
The caller asked why people stay with the show if they're so miserable there. Scott said that it is a job and they do get paid. He said that everyone wants more money and if you have to cry for it you have to find a way to do it. He said he's been doing that for years but it doesn't work. Then he said that they treat him very well there at SIRIUS and pay him very well.
Scott said that he doesn't hold a grudge and doesn't stay mad that long. JD laughed and said that he does hold a grudge and he does stay mad. Jon asked Scott if he thinks that his studio is still a ''pig fuck'' like he called it recently. Scott said that hasn't changed.
Jon took another call from a guy who brought up the guy from Scranton and talked about his $79,000 house and kind of goofed on him. The guys said they didn't think they were making fun of the guy at all, they were just talking about how cheap the houses are out there.
Jon had another caller ask who has the worst marriage, Sal or Yucko. Scott said that Sal probably does because he has 3 kids. Benjy said that he thinks that Sal and his wife seem to have a good friendship from what he can tell. He said that Sal might be more miserable than Yucko. Jon said that he thinks Yucko has it worse than Sal does. Benjy asked if he could try and go after Yucko's wife since he has it so bad. He wondered if that would be against the man code.
Gary said that he thinks that Sal probably has it worse because of the kids and all. Yucko can still get out of his marriage if he has to.
Another caller said that he thinks that they might be losing touch with their regular listeners out there when they talk about the people out there who are working 12 hours a day.
Another caller said that he loves the show and he wanted to thank them for the show. He said that no matter how down he gets in his life he gets a smile on his face when he listens to the show. The guy went on to talk about how he thinks that Bob Levy was out of line the other day and it was very disrespectful toward Howard. He also didn't like how Sal and Artie backed him up in all of that. Gary said that he thinks that Artie was siding with Bob because he felt bad for him and Sal may have been siding with him because Bob gives him work.
The caller was also talking about how Howard talked about his kids and what he did with them on Father's day. He said he thinks that it shows how detached he really is from his kids because one of them didn't even contact him. Jon said that he was kind of making a leap there because he doesn't know that Howard didn't talk to his one daughter. The guy said that Howard actually did say that she didn't call him.
The guy also brought up how much they eat in the studio. He can't believe that they eat so much. Jon had to end the show while the guy was still talking so he told him to call in again on another show.
Howard started off the show talking about how he was talking to Jon Hein about the merger. He said it was making him nuts and asked Jon to come in and explain what he was saying earlier. Howard said the more he hears about the merger the more it pisses him off.
Jon came in and said that XM and SIRIUS have sent a letter to the FCC about the conditions they're talking about applying to the merger. The FCC is asking the companies to give away 4 percent of their channels to minorities and they have to give it away for free. Howard said that this isn't a natural resource that they can just give away. Howard asked why Apple doesn't have to give iPods away to minorities if this is what the FCC wants from satellite radio.
Howard said that he knows a guy who has a truck show up to his work site demanding that they hire minorities for they'll end up destroying the site. He said that's what this FCC thing is like.
Howard said that this is the NAB paying off people and getting them to go along with them. Jon said that the FCC is going to demand that the new radios have to have HD radio options. Howard asked if the NAB has to have satellite radio options on regular radios. Jon said apparently not. Howard said that they're just trying to kill the satellite radio business.
Jon said that all of the radios are going to have to work together but only the satellite radios that they produce. Howard wondered how they get away with demanding stuff like that. He asked why this isn't being fairly done. He wondered what the fuck is going on in government. He said it's making him nuts.
Jon said that satellite radio is an option and people don't have to buy it. Howard wondered why other companies don't have to give up a percentage of their company to minorities. Robin said that's because they don't have any clout there.
Jon said that there are people saying that giving 4 percent of the channels isn't enough. Jon said satellite has to be available in Puerto Rico as well. Howard asked how they can explain that fucking horseshit. He said that maybe all listeners have to pledge to listen to terrestrial radio for 10 hours a week. He said they're obviously just trying to kill the company.
Howard asked if there are any other stipulations in there. Jon said that those are just the conditions they're going on based on what Kevin Martin said. They haven't even released an official list yet.
Howard said that they're trying to bankrupt this business so bad. Artie said that they're probably going over that stuff and figuring that if they accept it they're going to go broke anyway.
Howard said he saw Mel Karmazin out the other night and he's never seen him looking so exhausted from something. Jon said that this letter he was reading from was from SIRIUS and XM telling the FCC they'd be willing to do. That doesn't even show what they're not going to agree to.
Howard said that some of this has to be about him. Fred said that it has to all be about him. There was nothing going on there at SIRIUS before he started there and now they're trying to buy out XM. Howard said that he has an ego but he can't imagine that it's all about him.
Artie said that it has to be about Howard because of the amount of controversy that he can generate. Howard said that these companies have to shell out tons of money for NASCAR and baseball and all of that and the government is acting like the companies are making billions. He said that they may not even be around in 10 years because they're not doing all that well. The guys said that it's like the government is raping a baby. Howard said that this is so sickening.
Artie said that they have to be shelling out tons of money to Bruce Springsteen to get those bootleg performances on the air. Howard said that this business is highly speculative and there are people risking money to make it happen and now the government is trying to ruin them. He said that if the government was legitimately concerned about them they'd just tell everyone to go away and let the two companies merge.
Howard said that they'd tell the NAB to go fuck themselves if they had any balls. Howard said he really hates terrestrial radio because they're so lazy. They can't come up with anything good so they have to try and crush the satellite companies.
Howard said he hopes that the merger does go through and they crush terrestrial radio. He said he'd love to see them all go away. This merger has been in the works for 16 months and the government seems to be just waiting for them to crumble.
Jon said that they have 4 other FCC guys who have to agree to the merger and they may put even more conditions on them.
Howard talked about this doctor out in the Mid-West who is still doing late term abortions and keeps doing it even though people have tried to kill him. Howard said the guy is a hero to the country and people are trying to kill him.
Artie said that he thinks that you should be able to kill a child up to the age of 3. He was just joking of course. Howard said that he's going to have to vote for Obama just based on that one thing alone.
Howard said that he was told that if Obama was in office the merger would probably never go through because they're almost like communists. He said that Jesse Ventura made a lot of sense when he was on the show because he was saying he wouldn't vote for either party at this point.
Howard said that it's all making him sick and then he reads about Al Sharpton threatening to boycott companies and collecting money from them to keep his mouth shut. Howard said he's not sure what to do but that abortion thing is making him sick.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the doctor he mentioned earlier is a murderer because he kills babies that are 8 months old and their heads are coming out of the womb. Howard said that he agrees with that and they should be allowed to abort those kids. The caller said that he thinks that one, two or three months is fine but not 8 months. Howard said that he believes in 8 month late term abortions.
Howard said that you're just a big, gloopy mess when you're that old. He said you're not a human being until you're eligible to subscribe to satellite.
Howard said that the satellite TV guys didn't even have this many stipulations when they started out. He said that it's really crazy to demand all of this nonsense from them. He said that there are people out there who put up their own money to start this business and no one in the government is putting up their own money for anything like that. They just carve it up and give it away.
Howard said he's going to drop the subject now and move on. He said he got it out of his system and he has to move along. He said that it's very interesting but very crazy too.
Howard said that the general consensus was that he was an asshole for going off on Scott. He read through some of the mail he got about that but his father was on the line so he got to him.
Howard's dad, Ben, said that the abortions that are being done late term are usually done because of medical problems. He said that they may have no arms or legs or some other major medical problem. Ben asked who is going to take care of those kids. Howard said that he agrees with that and sometimes people don't find out about the birth defects that can be found late term.
Howard said that he knows about this stuff but can't get into how he knows. He said that no one is going to be able to take care of these kids and they end up in some awful place. People who have these kids can't take care of them so they give them to an institution that keeps them locked up for their whole life.
Howard asked Ben who he's voting for. Ben was talking about this doctor that does the late term abortions and how there are people trying to convict him and get him thrown in jail.
Ben was talking about the merger as well. He said that he's never heard of a merger with so many different concepts. He said that this country is supposed to be good for businesses and they're treating this merger like they're against business.
Howard said that there are some people in government who seem to be on the take and you want to take them and shake them. He said that Senator Brownback is one of them.
Ben said that there is a lot of stuff going on in this country and this whole merger thing is trivial. They have a lot of other things that they should be concentrating on.
Howard and Ben talked about the dopey conditions that the FCC is giving them and how they're not forcing any of this stuff on terrestrial radio stations. Howard said that Kevin Martin should come out and just say that they're approving the merger with none of these conditions.
Ben's phone cut out so he told the guys to call him back. Howard and Artie talked about how the government here allows the drug companies to charge ridiculous amounts of money for drugs here but if you go up to Canada you can get them cheaper. He said that the government is a joke here.
Howard had his dad back on the line but there was something going on with the phone so he had to hang up and call back again. Howard said that he must have hit a button on his phone or something. Howard told Gary to call his dad back again.
Howard said that all of these guys like Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are hypocrites. He said that Rush was demanding that drug addicts go to jail but then it turns out he's a drug addict. Bill O'Reilly went off on him for going to Nobu but meanwhile he's going to places like that himself.
Howard said he's surprised that 60 Minutes hasn't done a story on this. Then he thought that they're part of CBS so they won't do a story like that about a business that they're in.
Gary told Howard that Ben was on the line but the phone he was using wasn't working and he wasn't able to hear Howard. He did have Howard's mother Ray on the phone. Ray told Howard that he wasn't able to hear him on the other phone. Ben got on the line and said that Ray had pulled the plug out of the wall and that cut him off.
Howard got back to talking to his dad and asked him about who he's voting for. Ben said that he's been reading the papers and he wants to throw them when he reads what's going on. He said that nobody tells the truth anymore and you don't know what these people are saying anymore. He said it's all bullshit.
Ben said that he thinks that the merger is going to go through but Howard said that it's going to come at a price. Ben said that it's obvious that the lobbyists are behind all of this. He said that they've decided that this is what they're going to have to do.
Ben said that the lobbyists are running this country. He said that it takes too much money to run for office these days. Howard said that he had a guy come to him and tell him that he's surprised that they didn't hire him to be on their side. Then the guy said that he'd hate to have to go work for the ''other side.''
Ben said that these guys are all being bought off and that's why this stuff is going on. Howard said that the guy who came to him was someone he used to admire. After that he's not so sure.
Ben said there's a lot of money going around out there in the government and the lobbyists are the ones getting the votes to go the way they want. Ben talked about the prices of oil and how drastic the pricing has gone up in just a day and the government doesn't do anything about that.
Howard said that he was reading in the paper that he's one of the top 100 most powerful people in the world. He said that he doesn't even know anything and they're saying that.
Ben said that this whole thing is the most un-American thing going on right now. He said that this country was based on free enterprise and now they're sticking their nose into stuff that they shouldn't be and they're going to put them out of business.
Ben told Howard that he thinks that the democrats could win this upcoming election but they don't have a lock on it at this time. Howard let Ben go and said that he gets really worked up when he hears him talking about this stuff.
Gary came in and said that there was a guy who called the Wrap Up Show and said that it showed that Howard is a bad father when his one daughter didn't call him on Father's day. Howard explained what was going on there and one of them was out of the country and the other one played phone tag with him all day long. He said that they're not little kids anymore, they're off doing their own thing now. Howard said that he got a note from his daughter thanking him for the wonderful trip she was on.
Howard said that the fans were upset with him for putting the gold star on Scott's head yesterday but Scott loves it. He said that Scott was wearing it this morning.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about Gary's ''Setting the table'' comment. He said that he didn't think the phrase was used properly. He read some of the feedback he got and one guy was going off on him about how bad he looks. Howard defended his hair since the guy was goofing on him about that.
Another e-mail asked Howard if Beth was out of town. Howard said that she is leaving today to go to San Francisco. He said that maybe that's why he's acting out the way he is. People were going off on him for using phrases the wrong way as well.
Howard said that Beth is hosting a show for Animal Planet. Artie said he saw a story about that in the paper this morning. The show is called ''The Ugliest Dog.'' The show is being taped on June 20th. Howard said that he heard they don't use a teleprompter over there at Animal Planet so Beth has to memorize all of what she has to say. Artie said that's a lot of shit to learn and no one has to do that anymore.
Howard said they should have the Ugliest Human contest. That led to him talking about how good looking he thought Verne Troyer was. Robin said that it was funny seeing Howard shaking Vern's hand yesterday. Howard said that he had to bend over to get down to him because the guy is so small. He said that he didn't even come up to his knee.
Robin said that she went over to shake Vern's hand and he asked for a hug. She said that she bent over to hug him. Howard said that she bent over and her boobs must have been right in his face.
Howard said that there is one guy who is shorter than Verne but Verne is probably the second shortest. Howard said that Robin bent over and it was like being in an aerobics class or something. Artie said it was funny because she just seemed to disappear behind his console when she bent over.
The guys talked about how angry Sal seems to be and how disturbing the pissing on a girl is. Howard asked Sal to come in and talk about the pissing stuff. Sal said that he watches that kind of porn and he does jerk off when he watches it. He said that he doesn't like to humiliate women but he does like women who are willing to submit to being humiliated.
The guys told Sal that he's still humiliating a woman if he pisses on her. Sal had one of his strange explanations for the way he feels about all of that. It didn't make sense to anyone there.
Sal talked about one movie that he likes to watch where he can get off. He said that he loves this part of the movie where the lady is almost drowning in piss and she's almost begging for the cameras to stop. Howard said that she's basically almost dying and that's when he can get off. Sal said that he never thought about it that way but yes.
Howard said that he peed on a woman's foot in the shower once. He said that the chick asked him to do it so he tried it but it didn't do anything for him. Artie said that he had a friend who was banging a chick one time when he was in college and stopped in the beginning and said he had to go pee. The chick told him to pee inside of he. Howard said he heard that it's impossible to pee when you're hard. Sal said he's seen it happen but it's not all that easy. Sal said that he saw it in a porn movie when the guy was totally erect.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show has been great so far. He told Howard that he's been detoxing for the past 20 hours or so. He was watching Howard TV and it's fuckin amazing. He said that he thinks that they have a little bit of overkill on there though.
Howard said that the Bowling Beauties shows are getting great ratings. He ran down the list of stuff that's being viewed most on the service. He said that the Mary McCormack stuff is at number 4. Howard said that the Beat the Booey contest is coming soon. He said that they also have the Security Man show with Ronnie coming soon. He mentioned a few other original shows they have coming soon too.
Howard took another call and the guy was saying that Scott didn't get goofed on enough yesterday. He and Howard spent a minute on that. Another caller said that there's another song about kissing girls that they might like by Real Big Fish. Howard had Fred look that up.
The caller told Howard that he had a girl who drank his piss one time when he went to see a movie. Howard said that's a real freak right there. He tried to take a call from Jeff the Drunk next but Jeff wasn't on the line. Artie did his impression of Jeff for a couple of seconds.
Howard played Sal's ''I Pissed On a Girl'' song again and then took another call. The caller said that no one can talk about the whole abortion thing unless they go through with it. The guy said that his kid was diagnosed with some defects but they kept the kid. Howard said that you have to have late term abortion because some of these defects aren't found until the 5th month.
Howard said that a lot of people can't afford to take care of these kids when they do go through with it. Artie asked if you can do a test to find out of the kid is going to be a Mets fan. Howard said he's not sure about that. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that it must be cupcake Wednesday because Artie just walked in with a huge cupcake. He said he looked like a little kid walking in with that. Artie said that they have a new cupcake out there and it's got butterscotch, vanilla and little chocolate chips on it. He said that it came right after his breakfast Burrito and his bagel. Howard told him that's a lot of food right there. Artie said that he's hungry.
Howard said that they have a guest coming in but he saw that Robin was showing off her new house in some magazine. He read that they printed the price and all. Robin said that she didn't tell anyone the price. Howard said there was a picture of him and Robin in there too.
Howard said that Robin looked cute in the pictures. Robin said she thought she looked terrible. She said her house looked nice though.
Howard asked Robin why she would allow that. Robin said that all you see is her living room. Howard said he could see her back yard, her cats, her foyer and more. He said he liked the runners she had going up her steps. Robin thanked him for that.
Howard said that the magazine is something called 40° 74° which is the longitude and latitude of the Jersey shore.
Howard read through some of the stuff they were showing Robin wearing. They priced it all out. Howard was shocked by some of the prices of the stuff she was wearing. Artie said that heads are going to roll since his picture isn't on the cover of that magazine.
Howard said that he congratulated the Boston Celtics on their win last night. Artie said that he should congratulate him because he's up by 25 grand. He said that this bookie is actually going to pay him. He said that he kind of pussied out on this game and teased the bet. He told Howard what he did to tease it and how he had to win both bets that he placed. Howard said that he had lost him already. Artie went on to explain more about what he did but Howard seemed to be zoning out and asked him about Kobe Bryant instead.
Artie spent a little more time talking about the game and how he had moved the points spread around and the over/under. He lucked out and won though. He won 10 grand on that game alone.
Piers talked about how the winner of America's Got Talent last year just singed a $100 million deal with the Mirage out in Las Vegas. He said that his act is amazing but Simon Cowell didn't like it and he didn't get it so he didn't sign him on. He said that he could have had a cut of that 100 million but he didn't think that a ventriloquist could do anything for him.
Piers used to work in the tabloids so he talked about how he used to bad mouth Simon in the papers. He said that Simon brought him in to work with him because he wanted someone even more obnoxious than himself to host the show.
Piers said that he and Simon went to a strip club in London last year and there were blondes all over the place and dancing for Simon while one Polish lap dancer came over and wanted to read him poetry. He said that about sums up his relationship with Simon.
Piers told Howard about his divorce and how he had to give up half of his money to his wife. Howard asked him if he's a millionaire. He said that he is with both dollars and pounds.
Howard asked Piers about America's Got Talent and said that he had heard that it was better than American Idol because they don't have an age limit. Piers told Howard about some of the wacky stunts that people do. He talked about one guy who drank milk through a straw as it wrapped around his body and explosives went off on his chest. Piers said that he was a very clever act but he didn't want to say if they let him go on. He said that he could go on and win if he can keep up the entertainment.
Howard said he heard that the crowds are great in these shows too. He said that he's going to start watching the show now that he's heard all of this. He said that he heard that Sharon Osbourne is on the show and she was good at ripping people new assholes.
Robin asked Piers about David Hasslehoff since he works for him. Piers said that he can be funny but he's really a tool. He said that David pretends to get the joke but secretly he's not laughing. He said he does some weird things too. He said that they have to wear the same clothes to keep a continuity. One day he went out and got a spray tan in the middle of the shoot so it's going to look like he tanned during a commercial break.
Howard told Piers about judging their film festival and how hard that was. Piers said that it's not easy to judge what is going to work for the public. He said that some people like David Hasslehoff don't want to be booed by the audience so he may hold back on his opinion.
Howard said that Piers was on The Apprentice and talked to him about some of the people who were on with him. Piers talked about how much of a disgrace some of the people were. He said that Stephen Baldwin seems to be confused about which side of the fence he's on with the religion thing. He also said that Vinnie Pastore thinks that he's a mobster now even though he's really just Vinnie Pastore the actor.
Howard asked Piers about Ivanca Trump and if he would date her if he could. Piers said that he would, she's about the right age.
Piers said that Stephen wanted to set something up to sell some tickets and he was going to call Howard to help him out but Howard never called him back.
Howard said he read that Piers was the one who introduced Heather Mills to Paul McCartney. Piers told the story about how that all happened. Piers said that Paul had nudged him and asked who she was after she made an inspiring speech and that's when he told him how great she was and introduced them. He said he's not sure if Paul knew that she was missing a leg at the time.
Piers said that he didn't know that Heather was going to turn out to be the greedy, gold digging woman that she turned out to be. Piers said that he and Paul were both sucked in on that and neither of them knew that she was going to be like that with Paul. They were fooled into thinking that she was a good person.
Piers said that he had a conversation with her one time after he printed a story about her and that was the end of the relationship.
Howard said that Piers once interviewed George Michael and he had admitted that he had sex with over 500 men. Piers said that it wasn't even an interview, he was out to dinner. He said that George just started talking to all of them at the dinner table after drinking a bit. He said that George started to throw out the names of celebrities that he claimed to have been with. He used those stories in a book and George got upset with him over that.
Piers told a story about Madonna and Guy Ritchie and how he thinks that Guy Ritchie is a good guy. He said that he doesn't like Madonna but he does like Guy. He said that she's 50 years old and she really needs to put her clothes on at this point.
Artie asked what names he put in the book about George Michael. Piers wasn't sure if he should say anything there. He said he'd have to be very careful about that.
Howard gave Piers a plug for his show ''America's Got Talent'' and started to wrap up. Piers said that he was thrilled when he heard that he was going to be on the show today. He said that this is his career highlight. He said he wasn't kidding about that either.
Piers was saying that he's never had two women in bed at the same time but he might if he hangs around with Howard enough. Howard asked him if he's ever had his ass eaten by a woman. Piers just laughed.
Piers talked about working with Lennox Lewis when he was on The Apprentice with him. He said that he used to play chess against him and he was very good. Lennox would walk around the room very slowly as he was about to beat him in the game and he gloated terribly.
Piers said that Lennox plays chess like he boxes. He's very cunning and a fantastic chess player. Howard asked Piers if he plays on the internet. Piers said that he would play against Howard if he plays. Piers said that they should get Lennox there to play. They could get Heather Mills and George Michael in there to play as well.
Artie asked Piers if he thinks that it takes away from the fun to play on the internet. Piers didn't seem to have a problem with that. He said that he lost to Lennox Lewis 39 times when he played against him during The Apprentice. He said that Lennox has a lot of respect from the people of New York and he got the biggest reactions from the people there.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who asked Piers about the opera singer last night. He said that he was awesome. Piers agreed. Howard said that he can't believe that Jeff knows about that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she loves Piers and his shows. She also said that she's working on her Baba Booey song parody.
A caller said that he had never heard of Piers before but he thought he was a funny mother fucker. Piers said ''Well, fuck you very much.'' Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard mentioned that Bobby Duvall was going to be calling in shortly. He said that he heard that he just wanted to call in and say hello.
Howard asked Artie about the Man Cave thing that he did with the guys from the DIY network. Artie said that the host of the show is Tony Siragusa who great up like a mile away from where he grew up. Artie said that he related to the guy and it was fun doing the show. He said that the co-host does a lot of the work on the show and he also hosts it.
Artie said that he put this ''man cave'' on the top floor of his house. He has an elevator going up to that floor and he did that to make sure his mother could get up there easily. Howard said he must be planning to get really fat if he's got an elevator in the house. Artie said that he uses the stairs most of the time because the elevator is kind of slow. Artie said that the house was already being built when he brought it so the elevator was already going in.
Artie said that the top floor of his house is split in two by stairs. In one half they put in a 60 inch TV with a nice couch going around the room. They have a wet bar in there too. Then he has a terrace there so he has a refrigerator out on the deck there. He said that they took their time doing this and they gave him some really nice stuff there. Artie said that he has some nice cushions out there on the deck that the Mexican woman is going to bring in to make sure they don't stay out in the weather.
Howard asked if he has an elevator attendant. Artie said that he should get one and he has a lot of friends who would be willing to do that.
Artie said that they have a table in the man cave that you can put a keg of beer into. He said that's the center piece of the room. Artie said that the place came out beautifully.
Artie said that the one area is good for watching TV. They did the other side of the room too. He talked about how all of these guys were hanging out with him there and it turned into a big hang and a poker game there too. He said that he doesn't mind it because the place is so big. Artie said that he has a huge kitchen but they ended up ordering out when they were hanging.
Howard asked Artie what he values the room at. Artie said he figures it's between 80-100 grand. He explained some of the other stuff that they did there and talked about how nice it was. He said he had to help out and wore a tool belt while he was doing it. He said that they had to put two belts together to get it around him.
Artie said that they had his mother and sister helping out too and they framed some stuff that means a lot to him. He said that they framed the stuff and hung it in the Man Cave. He said that he had some posters of some shows he did and something that SternFanNetwork had made about Beer League.
Howard heard that they framed a map of Delaware there but he was just joking about that. Artie said that the second half of the room has a pool table in it. Howard asked how he has the room for all of that. Artie said that the house is huge, it's 7,500 square feet. He said he may have bitten off more than he can chew. He said he'll be working for the rest of his life.
Artie said he got the pool table, new cues with a wall mount and another 60 inch flat screen TV. Then there's another room where he has a 6 person Borgata poker table. The Borgata sent up a table just for him. Above that is the poster from the show he sold out in February. He said that's where they all sat down and played poker that night. He said he got professional chips and all of that.
Artie said that his big surprise was a couple of cocktail waitresses from the Borgata. They had them and a professional poker dealer from the Borgata. He said that it was great with all of his friends hanging out and playing poker in this room. He said that the chicks were there and they had booze in the bar.
Artie said that they all had some beer and he had some Jack. Artie said that the girls were bringing them their booze and it was just great.
Artie said that at one point they pointed to a shelf and told him to push a button. Then this 30 inch flat screen pops out and it has a sports ticker running on it all the time. Howard asked who is watching this show that they can afford to give him this much stuff. Artie said they were probably counting on this conversation right now.
Artie said that this sports ticker is running all the time and he'll be able to follow all of the games he's betting on. Artie said that they don't do this for celebrities all the time. They do this for regular guys most of the time. He said they did the work in less than 2 days too.
Gary showed Howard some pictures of what went on at his house when they did the show there. He said that they do some great work and they get it done quick when they're on a schedule. Gary's kids were playing pool on his new table. Howard said he would never let his kids play on a table like that.
Howard was looking at the pictures but couldn't get over the kids playing on the table. Artie said that he had Tony Siragusa pull up in this huge truck that he drives around in with ribs and stuff. Howard said that Artie has to have this going on every weekend at his house. He said he should hire the Goose Ribs to come out there every weekend. He told him he needs to get the poker dealers and waitresses there too. Artie said that he's going to have to sell his place in Hoboken and just move down to the shore house. He said that this house is the best house of all time.
Howard said that he convinced Artie to buy that place because he was going to buy a house somewhere else. Artie said that he also has a couple of boat lifts at his house and four wave runner lifts so he's got two wave runners coming. He said that he won't even wear a vest when he goes out. Robin told him he has to because it's a regulation. Artie said that he's not worried about that, all of the cops will be hanging at his house.
Artie said that this house is going to save his life. He talked about some of the other stuff that the guys put into the house and how great of a job they did. He said that the show is going to be on the DIY Network.
Irish John called in and asked if Dana had seen the new house yet. Artie said that he thought he was a friend and now he's making him feel bad. Artie said that some people like their dogs and thinks that he needs therapy. Artie started laughing hysterically and said that he bets the new guy likes dogs. He faked his laugh and made it seem like he was rubbing it in that he had this nice house and was glad that he was done with her.
Artie talked about the size of the rooms at his new house and how his master bedroom is the size of his apartment in Hoboken. He said he's got a steam room with a Jacuzzi and a bunch of other great stuff there.
Ralph called in and said that the chicks were going to be lining up down there. He said that he'd like to book the single wave runner now. Artie told Ralph not to come in and start comparing his place to Howard and Sam Simons.
Ralph asked Artie if he's going to take his shirt off when he goes out on the wave runner. Artie said he'll take his shirt off, he doesn't care anymore. He said that he plans on losing weight eventually though.
Artie thanked the guys at the DIY Network and both of the hosts of the show, Jason and Tony. He said they did an amazing job over there.
Howard and the guys talked about how much scrutiny Willie was under when he was managing the team and how no one can work like that. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about baseball.
Artie brought up the article about Bill Clinton and how they claim that he banged Gina Gershon and possibly even Eleanor Mondale. He told Howard what he read and Howard said that he knows Eleanor and she told him that it wasn't true.
Howard said that if Clinton is banging all of these chicks, why are none of them coming out and saying something? He said that he heard that Eleanor Mondale went through some cancer treatments and she's getting better so he tried to contact her but wasn't able to get through to her. Gary said that she just went back to work on Monday from what he heard.
Robert Duvall hadn't called in yet so Howard figured he wasn't going to call. He said that he's probably on the phone to Tony Siragusa trying to get a Man Cave. He went to break after that.
Howard said that Kevin Garnet was crying after their win last night. He played a clip of the guy getting upset during an interview. He was also telling the woman who was interviewing him that she looked good.
Howard and Artie ended up talking about basketball and how so many of these kids don't make it big in the game and they don't have any other talents. He said that even this kid Kevin was barely understandable. Artie said that a lot of these kids are going over to Italy to play because they're looking for good players over there.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel got Baba Booey'd last night on his show. He played the clip where Jimmy was playing ''Celebrity In a Box'' which is basically Mystery Guest. Howard said that they were doing his bit. Then someone walked by and gave them a Baba Booey. Howard said that maybe that's why he got Baba Booey'd if they were doing his bit.
Ralph said that he was giving shit to Jimmy about ripping off the show but the other night they did something really original, they had someone playing blackjack for 10 grand. Howard thought Ralph was kidding but he wasn't. They did that on Howard's show years ago out in Vegas. Ralph also said that Jimmy hypnotized his staff, just like Howard has done in the past. Ralph said that it's really good stuff.
JD said that Jimmy has done the blackjack thing before and they end up giving the audience the money if they win. Howard said it's no wonder he got Baba Booey'd.
Howard said that Jimmy used to go to Vegas with them when they did that Blackjack bit. Howard said he also had some clips from past shows when they did the Smarter than a 5th Grader thing. He said he doesn't want to be the guy who sues but he might have to do that with that show.
Ralph pretended that he didn't know that Howard had already done those bits that he mentioned Jimmy had done. He said that he also does this thing where he gets some wacky people together in a pack, kind of like a Wack Pack type of thing. Howard told Ralph that he was upsetting him and he had to let him go.
Howard wondered why he has June 17th in his date book. Steve said he should look into that. Steve went on to talk about how they spoke to the radio engineer who cut the wires that day. Howard said he thinks that the guy who cut the wires really got off easy back then. He said that if someone did that to The Today show the guy would go to jail for a long time.
Steve said that George Takei and Brad may have been the first gay couple to get their marriage license. Steve also mentioned that Bob Levy is getting married today in Cleveland. Artie said that he forgot that it was on a Wednesday. He said that they're rushing there to get it done before someone in the family might pass away. Artie said that there is some nuttiness going on around that wedding. Howard said he'll have to talk to Bob about that.
Steve brought up Eric the Midget's strip club tour and how it's been put on hold. Eric was on the phone so Eric said that it's being held up because of this whole Johnny thing. He said that Johnny was supposed to call in today but he didn't call.
Artie told Eric that he's acting like a big blob of stupidity and not thinking about the big picture with this Johnny thing. Howard told Eric that Artie is making a good point. He said that Johnny is financing all of this stuff and he's trying to trump up this bill for Johnny to pay. Eric said he doesn't see the point. Artie told him that's because he's a dummy.
Artie said that he was just busting balls but he wanted Eric to see what Johnny could help him do a lot of stuff but he's demanding money from him that he doesn't want to pay and it's dumb.
Eric said that he hasn't been able to eat much lately because he had to shell out that money. Howard said that Johnny didn't expect to be hit up like that so that's why he's not paying up. Eric said that he doesn't have money to eat because of this.
Howard said that Eric is gouging Johnny for this stuff. Fred said that what Eric was quoting was just too much. He said that maybe someone gave him some bad advice on padding his expense account. Artie told him that they should have done something off the air and just straightened it out. Eric said that's what they were going to do this morning on the air. Artie told him to take care of it off the air.
Howard asked Eric what he's eating because he figured that he didn't need much since he's so small. Eric said that he has a sandwich on Wonder bread for lunch. That led to the guys telling him that he could get a no-name brand or day old bread to eat much cheaper. They also talked about Eric's hat and how that was probably a $40 hat.
Howard asked Eric if he could move the camera and show what he has in his refrigerator. Eric said that he can't move his laptop because it's a little too beyond what he can lift. Howard said he hopes that he can work this out with Johnny. He asked him how much he needs to get back on his feet. Eric said he didn't know. Howard wanted a number so he asked Eric what he's really owed. Eric said that he'd like to go to the Monday Night Raw show. Howard said that he blew it with Johnny.
Artie said that he has a manager who thinks that what he's asking is good. He said that it's over $8,000. Howard said ''Oh Jesus Christ...'' and seemed to think that was a bit outrageous. Howard told Eric that he's blowing it because Johnny gave him a vacation and now he's demanding money for that. Steve said that Johnny is saying that it would cost him $300,000 to take Eric on this strip club tour.
Ralph called in and asked Eric if Johnny knew that he was going to pay him $35 an hour while he was out there. Eric said that he did know that. Ralph told Eric that he's not worth $35 an hour. He's charging him for every hour he was out there, even the hours he was sleeping.
Howard said that Eric charged Johnny for 96 hours, even while he was sleeping. Howard told Eric that he thinks he's blowing it there. He said that it's not fair to charge for hours that he's sleeping.
Ralph said that Eric was even complaining about not being able to stay at the Four Seasons hotel out there. Artie asked who was putting him up there. Eric said that Johnny put him up there the last time he was up there. Howard and Ralph told Eric that he could be out having fun right now instead of sitting and staring at his screen.
Ralph said that he's going to manage Eric from now on. Howard told Eric to work this out with Johnny today. He asked him what he's going to be doing today instead of going out on this strip club tour. Eric said that he's going to try and get in touch with Johnny.
Eric said that he was upset with Howard for not letting him on with Piers earlier because he wanted to talk to him. Howard said he was sorry but he had to go. Ralph told Eric that he should send Howard a bill for every minute that he's on the air. Howard told Eric to call Johnny and work things out. He let him go a short time later. Artie told him that was a good appearance and laughed.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. After running down all of the stuff they were going to try and cover Howard talked about how his father is going to be giving his mother shit all day for unplugging him earlier this morning. That led to Artie talking about how nice it was to see Howard talking to his father trying to get approval for some of the stuff he's done. He said that it was kind of odd that he didn't acknowledge Howard when he mentioned he's on the 100 most influential people list.
Howard said that the Bleeding Deacons dedicated a song to Jason about the gay stuff he was talking about the other day. He played that song which was ''Jason's Gay'' to the tune of Bruce Springsteen's ''Glory Days.''
Howard mentioned some other stuff they had coming up on Howard TV like High Pitch Eric and Joey Boots doing their Craptacular special. Eric was on the phone so Howard asked him when that's going to happen. Eric said that it's up to Howard.
Eric was saying that he should be able to shit more this time than he did the first time. He said that he's been drinking iced coffee from McDonald's lately and that should make him shit more. Artie said that he's never going to be able to drink McDonald's coffee again.
Howard said that he read about some guy who lost weight just eating McDonald's food. He said he was going to the salad bar and stuff. He thinks that the guy was probably trying to be like that guy Jarred from Subway but McDonald's didn't need him.
Robin got to her news and read a story about a street sweeping truck that sucked up a dog and killed it. Fred played Jason's laugh as she was telling that story. That led to Artie saying that it would be funny if Jason started laughing like that when he was taking nude pictures of Kevin.
Robin read some news about Michael Vick's pit bulls being retrained. She had a story about a football player who was found unconscious with a broken eye socket and how he was robbed of $100,000 worth of jewelry and cash. Robin read some stories about Tim Russert's funeral and talked about how Tim Sabean's wife Pam was talking about how upset she was about that. That led to Howard and the guys talking to Robin about Girls Night Out and if Pam is in it. Robin said that she's not. They goofed on Robin about some of that stuff for a short time before she got back into her news.
Robin brought up a story about freezing sperm and that led to Artie talking about how he might do it because he's not sure he'll ever meet a broad that will be able to put up with him. He said he might just hire some chick to have his baby and he'll just have them shoot that frozen jizz into her snatch. Howard told Artie he's got some way with the ladies. Artie was making some jokes about that while doing his Dice impression. He said that he's probably going to end up with a frozen kid.
Robin got back to her news and read some news about Barack Obama and John McCain. She wanted to play some clips of Hulk Hogan's voice mail where he was threatened. Howard said he wasn't sure if he could play them but Robin told him it should be fine. Robin talked about that story and said that police are investigating the calls.
Robin read some news about the detainees in Guantanamo Bay being tortured. Howard and Artie said they don't care about that but Robin said she's torn on the whole thing. Howard had to take a break a short time after Robin went through that story.
During the break Howard was talking about the death of Cyd Charisse. He said that he used to beat off to her when he was a kid. Robin got back into her news when they came out of break. She brought up George Takei's upcoming wedding and played some clips of some other gay people talking about getting married out in California. She had some audio of George talking about the wedding too. Howard said that he's pretty sure they can't even afford George anymore because he's gotten so big lately.
Howard suggested that Howard TV do a reality show based on George Takei and Brad's wedding. Artie figured that now that Howard has said that, they'll end up on NBC with a series.
Robin brought up Cyd Charisse again so Howard talked about how he beat off to her more than anyone else when he was a kid. Artie said that he beat off to the new Miss Howard TV last night. He talked about how nice her ass was when she was walking out of there yesterday.
Robin wondered how Howard beat off to her when she was in a lot of musicals and stuff. Howard said that's all he had when he was a kid. He didn't have any porno to look at. Howard said that he wishes he had porno to look at when he was younger because he would have known how to do shit.
Robin read a story about Joan Rivers getting kicked off a show in London for cursing. She played a clip of her saying something about Mel Gibson and they had to kick her off because they didn't have any type of delay over there.
Robin read a story about ''America's Got Talent'' and had Howard play some audio from the show. Howard also had the audio of Joan cursing on that show uncensored.
Robin said that Billy Ray Cyrus is talking about the pictures of his daughter that were taken and put in a magazine where she's half naked. Robin talked about Duane Johnson being in the new ''Get Smart'' movie. Artie said he saw a clip of that movie and it looks really bad. He said that he thinks that Steve Carell is really funny but the movie looks really bad. Howard said he thinks that Steve will do any movie that he's offered.
Howard said that the reason Get Smart was so good was because of Don Adams being brilliant. He said that you can't remake something like that. He talked about how good he was in that role and said that he may have to boycott the movie.
Robin said that the new Mike Myers movie ''The Love Guru'' is coming out and had Howard play some clips of Verne talking about his role in the movie.
Robin brought up a story about Christopher Knight who is on Celebrity Circus now. Howard said that he watched his show when he and his wife were trying to get pregnant. He said that he's out if she does get pregnant.
Robin went through a few more stories and had one about Paris Hilton going to buy a puppy from a shop but they turned her down. She got upset when they wouldn't sell her the dog.
Robin read through a few more stories including one about a toy company that was going to put out a toy called ''A Sock Obama'' and it was in the shape of a toy monkey. Robin finished up after that so Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
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Jon played a clip from the interview where Howard was talking to Piers about David Hasslehoff. Jon said that he thought he was a good guest. Gary said he thought he was good too. He said he didn't know much about him but Will pushed for him to get on after he saw him on The Apprentice.
Jon and Gary talked about Piers for a few minutes about his thoughts on Simon Cowell and stuff like that. Gary and Jon also talked about Piers' thoughts on Stephen Baldwin. That led to Gary talking about how he remembered Stephen calling during the show one morning and how he said he'd hold if he had to and he ended up being on hold for like 2 hours. Gary said that he wishes that he had signed the release so it could have made it to the show. He didn't know what was going on at the time.
Jon asked Benjy what he thought about Piers. Benjy said he thought he was okay but he wasn't all that interested in most of what he had to say.
Jon went to the phones and asked some people what they thought. One guy said that Howard seems to be getting more dense and doesn't seem to know a lot about a bunch of basic things. He talked about some of the stuff that Howard has been clueless about over the years. He said he's confused by the whole thing. Gary said that he didn't have anything valid there in his argument because the stuff he brought up was just made up stuff. The caller said that Howard has a strange denseness about some stuff.
Jon said that when it comes to sports he's right. He said that Howard knows very little about that and he's not going to bullshit anyone about something like that.
The caller said that Howard didn't even know what a vegan was. That led to the guys talking about that for a couple of minutes. Gary said that Howard has to talk for 5 hours a day so he can't know about everything.
Another caller said that he thinks that this was one of Howard's worst shows ever. He said that Howard wouldn't let them finish stories about Tony Siragusa and kept interrupting them. The guy said that Howard is in such a rush to get out of there that he just cuts everyone off.
The guys talked about the sports stories and how Howard will cut them off every time. The caller was saying that he wanted to hear some of the stories that they started to tell but Howard kept cutting them off.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the calls about the Howard TV stuff is getting old. He said that they seem to be people who are just stroking Howard about the shows. Gary said he hadn't noticed.
The caller also talked about the Man Cave thing and wondered if Howard was jealous of it. Gary said that Howard can afford to do that himself but he'd prefer that it just be there when he gets home so he doesn't have to deal with it.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if Artie is trying to compensate for something that's missing in his life. The guy said that he thinks that Artie was upset about Irish John's question about Dana seeing the house. He thought that Artie was trying to make up for something by having all of this stuff around to compensate for something missing in his life. The guys didn't think that was the case.
Another caller asked Gary if he's jealous of Artie's Man Cave over his. Gary said that his cave was built for him and he loves it. He's not going to get upset about what Artie has.
Jon played a clip of Gary and Artie talking about their Man Caves and the pool table thing that Howard brought up. Gary said that he's not going to keep his kids from playing. He said that he and his son's love to play together.
Jon got back to the pool table and asked Gary if he's worried that someone would ruin the table. Gary said that anyone could fuck it up and he's not going to keep the kids from playing on it.
Jon took a few more calls and one guy was agreeing with the first caller who thought that Howard was kind of clueless about stuff. Another guy said he was a fan of Ben Stern and he thinks that Howard is clueless about politics. He said that he thinks that Howard will complain about the lobbyists but then he'll back people who support them. He said that Howard has to look at the big picture and he has to stop backing the people who support them.
Gary was saying that they thought that they were going to get rid of the FCC problems when they got a Democrat in office but it turned out that they had even more fines when Clinton was in office so that wasn't right.
Another caller said that Howard claims that he never reads a book but then he'll talk about reading books every week. Gary said that he doesn't hear Howard talking about reading books every week but he has read a few over the years. They talked about some of those before they moved on.
Another caller brought up Piers and talked about how he didn't like him on the Celebrity Apprentice but he liked him this morning.
A caller said that he doesn't think that Howard is ignorant at all and he has to know what's going on to have a show like he does.
Jon said that Howard has an innate sense to know when to cut people off and to move on. He said that he thinks he knows when to let things breathe a little bit. Gary said that's not so easy either.
Ralph called in and said that when Howard gets bored he moves on and that's just a good sense he has in him, it's not something that he thinks about.
Ralph was also talking about Barack Obama and how he doesn't think he'd be good in office. He said he's probably going to vote for McCain. He said that Obama doesn't have a lot of experience and he's not sure that's going to work.
The guys went over all of that stuff for a few minutes. Then Ralph brought up the merger thing and how ridiculous the FCC is being with their requirements. He thinks that they're going to open it up to censorship if they let that happen. Benjy said he's worried about what Ralph is because he thinks that if it gets too big the FCC is going to go after them to censor them.
Jon asked Ralph if he was trying to get a visit to Artie's Man Cave when he called in earlier. Ralph said he'd just have to call Artie and ask to come down to go see it. He said that he thinks that some people there might be jealous of them but that's the way life goes. He said that they shouldn't have turned down the offers at all.
The guys spent some time talking about America's Got Talent and Teddy was saying that it was really lame when they put a 4 year old and had her move on to the Vegas round. The kid has no idea what's going on. Jon had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Sal how heavy he is right now. Sal said that he was up to over 200 for a while but he's around 190 right now. He got down to 158 at one point. Gary said that he's down to 205 from 225.
Sal didn't think that his smoking was the problem when Jon asked him about it. Sal said that his grandfather smoked up until the day he died and he just died of old age.
The guys asked Sal about the piss porn that they talked about earlier. Sal said that he can't explain why he likes it but he just likes that a woman is willing to go to that level. He said that he wonders if she's doing it for her partner or just because she's that nutty. Gary asked which one it is that he likes. Sal said it's both.
Sal said that he can't pee on someone, he's just a spectator. He said that he's not going to go through with the whole thing because it's too much work for him.
Gary said that Sal hit the creep factor a few months ago when he talked about the porn clip that he likes where this guy Rocco takes a chick and starts shoving her head in the toilet. Gary said that really blew him away and he can't get into that stuff himself.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Sal what he would do if he got divorced and a girl let him do that to her. Sal said he wouldn't date one but he does like to watch it going on. He said it's easier to watch it than actually do it.
Benjy asked if the guys really think that it's that big of a deal. Gary said that it is gross. Sal said that he was out at a bar the other night and one guy said that he wasn't into the jerking off to piss videos and the rest of the guys that were around thought he was out of his mind. Gary asked Sal if that's where he gets his ''statistically speaking'' comments from, six guys in a bar. Sal said that he's seen other stuff on the web and there are a lot of people watching piss videos now.
Sal pointed out that Gary likes teen anal movies and he has to be imagining teenagers having sex if he's into that. Sal said that's Gary's fetish and that's fine with him. Gary said that he's not looking for teen movies like that but Sal is looking at pissmops.com and things like that. Sal said he's actually not into that site and he goes other places. Benjy said that he doesn't have a problem with people doing that stuff but he doesn't enjoy it himself.
A caller told Sal that he's a fuckin mess and he's got to look at himself. Sal said that if he goes to a comedy show this weekend, he'll have a ton of people telling him they agree with him about that. Sal said that the caller might deny he's ever seen pee videos but he predicts that he's lying and probably 85 percent of the guys out there have seen them and jerked off to them.
Gary said that Sal was just making up these numbers like they were real statistics. Sal said that the guys who tell him they're into it are hearing it on the show and they like it. Gary said there's no way to confirm how many people are actually watching that stuff. Gary said he's never known of anyone who likes doing that pee stuff.
A caller told Sal that he's a sick fuck. Sal said that he's just a normal guy and he just happens to get off on urination videos. The caller said that he had never heard a friend talk about a piss video and he's 42 years old.
Benjy said he thinks that peeing on people is pretty common and probably as common as homosexuality. Sal said that he once saw a movie of a girl fucking a German Sheppard in a cab stand when he was 14 years old. The guys thought that he had seen it live but Sal said it was a movie.
Jon took a call from a guy who thinks that all of this anti-social behavior that Sal has is just setting him up for a murder or something. He said that this is just the stuff that Sal is willing to tell them. There's no telling what else he's watching at home.
Gary said that Sal has to have something that he's ashamed of that he isn't admitting to. Sal said that he is kind of embarrassed after watching some of the Max Hardcore videos. He said that most of it's just normal videos.
Another caller said that he can't disagree with Sal and a woman giving themselves to you completely is great. He said he finds it interesting too and they can't go off on him like that. Gary said that Sal is making up statistics and he has no real idea how many are actually watching it. Sal said that he thinks that 40-60 percent of the guys in the audience are watching this stuff.
Ralph called in again and said that maybe they could do a poll of the listeners asking how many of them are into peeing on women. He was saying that it's really not that bizarre and there are people who are into that stuff. He said that he's not that crazy for being into it. Ralph said that Gary is into pedophilia. Gary told him to take that back because he's really not into that.
Ralph said that if everyone in there were honest about it and admitted to what was going on when they jerk off they'd be surprised. Sal said that he thinks that Jon is a little too quiet and he's not sure what he's up to at home. Sal said he's being honest himself so that's why they're getting so freaked out.
Ralph asked Jon what he's jerked off to. Jon said that it's nothing too crazy. He said that he doesn't jerk off anymore so he'd have to think about it.
Jon asked Ralph what the craziest thing is that he's jerked off to. He asked if it was a Cylon. Sal asked him if it was a ''Cy-mon... Sam Simon.'' Ralph got a laugh out of that and gave Sal a big ''Hey now!''
Sal said that he thinks that the piss porn is pretty main stream but Gary said that it's not 65 percent main stream.
Jon took a call from a guy who wanted to get to the political stuff again. He brought up something that's going on in Columbus, Ohio where they took the attorney general out of office because he was spending his campaign money on a bunch of stuff including satellite radio.
Another caller brought up the ''setting the table'' thing again. Gary and the caller went over that for a short time. They ran out of time though so they had to end the show after that. Jon said that he was amazed at how many people are into that whole thing. They ended the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show taking a call from Cyrus who said he heard Ralph on the Intern Show last night and he's thinking he might need his own show. Howard said he gets nervous doing his own thing so that probably wouldn't work.
Howard said he got an e-mail from Jimmy Kimmel about Ralph's call to the show yesterday where he was goofing on him about ripping off Howard's show. Howard said that Jimmy was threatening violence in the e-mail. Howard read that e-mail and Jimmy asked Howard if he really thinks that he invented the playing blackjack on TV and things like that. Howard said that now he's being attacked.
Jimmy also brought up the Celebrity in a Box thing and said that's not a rip off either. Jimmy said that they don't do the exact same thing with the Blackjack game on the show either. Jimmy said that they ripped off his ''Win Ben Stein's Money with Fred's ''Win Fred's Money'' too.
Jimmy went on to say that they've ripped off shows from the 50s and they're not ripping off each other. Jimmy also said that he will not hesitate to beat the shit out of Ralph the next time he sees him. He said he won't even warn him and he'll just start beating the shit off of him.
Fred said that Jimmy really didn't start the Vegas betting thing, they did. Howard said he wasn't even that offended by it and he wasn't upset about what Ralph was saying. He also said that he's seen Ralph fight and he's in pretty good shape so Jimmy should be careful there.
Howard said that Ralph took a punch to the head at Scores once and he didn't even realize he had been hit. Fred said that he thinks Jimmy has done some boxing so he knows how to fight. Howard said that Jimmy didn't do all that well in his fight so he may or may not know how to fight.
Howard said that he can't fight himself and he couldn't beat anyone. He said that he understands why Jimmy is upset and he still loves the guy. He said that Ralph loves him and he doesn't like that Jimmy is his friend. He really is jealous of that.
Howard said that he and Jimmy get together every summer and Ralph just doesn't like that. He said that Ralph is going to be around and Jimmy is going to have to accept that.
Artie said that Ralph was at his most toxic yesterday and the stuff he brought up were kind of generic. Howard has his own bits that he's well known for.
Howard said that he likes Jimmy and he should have defended him. He said that he is a Jimmy supporter. Robin said that he kind of let Ralph go with that stuff though. Howard said he should have said something.
Howard said that if Jimmy is listening, he has to know that Ralph has his ear. He said that anyone who gets a hold of him does have some influence over him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that in Readers Digest Jimmy said something about Artie in an article. He read the article where Jimmy said that Artie is one of the funniest comedians out there that people should know about. They spent a minute talking about that.
The caller mentioned another comedian on that list and asked Artie about Zach Galifianakis. Artie said that guy is very funny too and he's known him for like 15 years now.
Eric the Midget was on the line so Howard asked him if he heard that. Eric said that it doesn't matter and he called him an asshole.
Eric said that he made up with Johnny and he's going to be paid $300 of the $8,000 that he was demanding. He gets that plus a trip to the Playboy mansion. Robin asked if he was going to be out $8,000 again on that trip. Eric told Robin to shut up.
Eric was cursing out the caller some more. Howard asked him if he expects to get paid $35 an hour out at the Playboy mansion. Eric said he's not sure, he hasn't talked about it.
Howard said he knew that Eric wasn't going to get that money from Johnny. He asked him if he feels that the settlement was fair. Eric said it was. Howard wondered how that was fair. Eric said that it's the second part of the deal that made it fair. The caller told Eric to get it in writing because he can hear him calling in and complaining about it again.
Howard said that he can see Johnny taking Eric and throwing him over the fence at the mansion and telling him ''There ya go, you're in the Playboy mansion you little fucker.'' Artie said that he might be able to get him into the mansion during a corporate event or something.
The caller was saying that Eric probably thought that he didn't even deserve all of that money so that's why he's letting Johnny off the hook.
Howard asked Eric how he's going to pay for the stuff that he was asking for from Johnny. Eric said he's just going to have to manage. The caller said that Eric is never happy about anything. Eric told the caller, Mark, to shut up and that the people in his room were telling him to shut the fuck up. Mark said that he would never even waste his time in his ''room.'' Eric said he'd kick him out if he were in there. Eric's room crashed around that time and he said that Stickam had crashed. Mark said asked what they were going to do, it's like the world was coming to an end.
Howard let Mark go and said goodbye to Eric. Eric had something else to say but it was too late, Howard had already hung up on him.
Howard said that Eric isn't all that great of a businessman getting just $300. Artie said that's less than 5 percent of what he was asking for.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who said that Jimmy would probably credit them with inspiring him to do what he's done. He mentioned that he'll be hanging with Jimmy this summer and talked about Artie coming out to visit last year and sleeping all day. Artie said that he was very comfortable in that house.
Howard said that they had Wolfie call in a couple of months ago and he went off on Gary. He said that Wolfie asked to come by and observe Gary one day and today is that day. He had Wolfie come in after that. Howard said that they met him one other time. Wolfie said that he was in there a little over a year ago.
Wolfie said that he feels like a modern day Jane Goodall and he's going to be observing Gary today. He wants to observe his habits and stuff.
Howard asked Wolfie about what he'll be doing today. Wolfie said he'll be taking notes on what he does so he'll be prepared for the next time he calls in. Howard asked him not to do anything weird to disturb Gary. He said that he should be just like Jane Goodall and observe from afar.
Gary asked Wolfie to please leave his office when he leaves his office to go into the studio. He said he has important documents in his office and he doesn't want anyone seeing some of that stuff. Wolfie asked if he can document him with his camera. Howard told him that he can do that since Jane Goodall did that with the chimpanzees. Gary asked if he could throw shit at him like monkeys do.
Wolfie said that he purchased some tests for bad breath that he wanted to us on Gary. Howard told him to do that right now before he had a chance to use mouth wash. Howard told the guys to bring that in so they can check the test.
Gary came in and said that this was very interesting. Then he ripped up the test and let out a monkey ''hoo hoo.'' Gary asked what he expected him to do. They got another test for him and he stuck this swab in his mouth and rubbed it on the back of his tongue. Wolfie had some liquid that they had to dip it in and wait for 2 minutes to see if it changed color to yellow.
Gary asked what happens if it doesn't turn yellow. Howard said it would mean that he doesn't have bad breath today. Gary suggested that they test Sal and JD too before they use mouth wash.
Artie said he didn't know that JD's bad breath was well known and out. Gary said that JD knew about it and he's been working on fixing it. JD came in a short time later.
Howard had Wolfie give a test to JD. JD stuck the swab in his mouth and swabbed his tongue. Fred set a timer for JD but had to guess on the time for Gary's test. Gary said that there was nothing there in his test. He said there was no color change at all. Howard said that his critique must have helped because Gary's breath was okay today.
Gary told Howard that nothing has changed with his hygiene since Howard said something. Howard threw out Gary's test and waited for JD's to change color. He said that JD was standing there looking like he was bored with this whole thing. JD said he wanted nothing to do with this.
Gary told Howard to look at JD's test because it looked like it was changing color. Howard looked at that one and didn't see anything. Wolfie said it looked slightly yellow. JD said ''So I have bad breath, fuck all of yas...'' Howard said that he might have a little something there but it's not bad. He said that he just needs to be a little more vigorous. JD said ''thanks assholes...''
Howard told JD he did okay but then Fred started to play his techno song. Howard told Wolfie to go observe Gary now and let him go back to the green room.
Howard read through some e-mail he got about yesterday's show. There were a lot of e-mails about the abortion discussion they had. One e-mail he read agreed with him. Another one was the opposite and said he doesn't have a stance on the issue at all and said that Howard shouldn't be commenting on it either. The guy said that they should keep up with the comedy instead.
Howard read some mail about the merger talk they had. He had a lot of reaction to all of those discussions as well. Some people said they don't want a political show and he should get back to doing his regular show. There were some who loved hearing that stuff though so he read through those e-mails as well. One guy said that it's good that they get that kind of stuff out there to the fans.
Howard said that it was the complete opposite reaction to some of that stuff. He said that everyone loved Piers Morgan on the show. He said he didn't see one negative e-mail about him. He read through some of the mail he got about that guy.
He read some feedback about the Man Cave discussions on the show yesterday too. Some people are sick of hearing about all of that stuff. Howard said that Artie is opening up and telling everyone about what he's got going on in his house. He said that's a good thing.
Howard said that he had some reaction to Sal and his pee fetish song. One e-mail said that it was an instant classic. There were others who said that they hope that Sal's wife never has sex with him again after hearing that song.
Gary said that Sal came in with a clip this morning from one of his favorite piss movies. Howard found the clip, from Dr. Piss, and played that. Dr. Piss was laughing in a really creepy way and then peeing on this woman as she moaned. Howard said that chick must be one ugly chick to be in one of those movies. He said that there can't be any good looking chicks in pee videos. Sal came in and said that the chick is smokin' hot. He said that she looks kind of like that Sheila E chick.
Robin said that they were talking about that on the Wrap Up Show and saying that it's a bigger fetish than people think. Howard had some clips of Sal talking about that. Sal gave a percentage of how many people he thinks watch that stuff. He said that it was probably 85 percent of the men who listen to the show. He said that 65 percent have probably masturbated to it.
Sal said that they're doing a poll on HowardStern.com and it's up to 30 percent right now. He said that he's not ashamed of it at all and he doesn't hate women at all. Howard said Sal definitely hates women. He played his ''I Pissed On a Girl'' song parody as proof of that.
Howard played more of Sal talking about the pee videos on the Wrap Up Show. Sal mentioned something on the show about how he loves his wife so Howard asked him about that. He also played Sal's ''Beat My Wife'' song parody. Sal said that song was just ''healthy venting.'' Robin said that if anything ever happens to Christine, Sal is going to be the first person that the cops look at as a suspect.
Howard played more of Sal on the Wrap Up Show and then asked Sal about the time that Richard peed on him in the shower on Bubba's show. Sal said that he didn't enjoy that at all but Richard sure did. Howard let Sal go a short time later.
Howard asked the guy why he wants to date Cindy. He said that he's only 21 and he's looking for a chick like that. Howard said that he's too young for her. She's in her 40s and she's got 3 kids. Howard said that Cindy is looking for a serious relationship and she's not looking for someone who just wants a fling.
Another guy said that he was a little young, at 23, but he had a good explanation for why he should get a shot. He said that he thinks that he would be great for her. He works in internet marketing and that would be perfect for Cindy. The guy said that he guarantees that she'd love her. Howard asked him if he'd love to fuck her. The guy said that of course he would.
Howard said he's wondering if anyone is going to get into her pants. He said that he'll let this guy participate because he could be good for her with that marketing job.
Double A called in and said that he wanted ''a shot at that fuckin' broad.'' Howard said that there's no way that he's going to get her. Artie said it would be funny to see him try. Double A said that he wants the shot to try.
Howard ended up talking about how he loves this country and he'd never want to leave it. He said that he's afraid of getting trapped over in some other country with the way things are going in this world. Artie said that he's kind of afraid of that now that he's going over to Iraq. Robin said that Jim was talking to her about suicide bombings over in Iraq and she didn't want to hear about that.
Howard said he'd love to know how often Jim is banging Robin a week. He said that he's read some interviews with him and he's talking about how great she is. He says that she's perfect but they're in their ''honeymoon'' phase at this point. That led to Howard asking Robin about her sex life but she wasn't answering any of his questions. Howard asked her if she blows him without a rubber but she refused to answer that one. She refused to say if she has him use a condom.
Howard told Double A that he was in but only because it will be funny. He did an impression of Double A talking to her and said that he does have a rap with the ladies so he might have a good shot. He said that when she learns that Double A's family won the lottery, that could sway her.
Artie said that he'd love to know how much money Double A actually has. He said that maybe she'll fall for him when she sees Double A's wrestling belts. Artie said that she might see that tattoo of Howard on his arm too.
Another caller said that he would like to date her but Howard didn't think he was making enough money because Cindy is probably very shallow. He ended up hanging up on that guy.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's a bartender. Howard said that won't work. He said he knows Cindy and that's just not going to work. That guy said that he only makes 50-60 grand a year. Howard said that might not be enough. He asked the guy if he has a big, thick penis. The guy said that he can show Robin if he wants him to prove he does.
Another guy said that he makes low to mid six figures in the finance industry. Robin said she thought he sounded gay. The guy said that he's not and he was in a committed relationship for a few years and that's over now.
The guy said that he was in a Mercedes on his way to work on Wall Street. Howard told him that he'll let him play. Howard said that he'll go with Double A for the humor, the young guy and this guy with the money. He said that he'll get one more guy as an alternate.
Howard said they do need a more mature guy for her too. He got a guy on the line who said he'd be the back up. He said that he's 39 years old and he welds pipes for a living and owns his own business. The guy said that he made about $160,000. Howard asked how many times he's been arrested. He said no so Howard made him the alternate. He said they have enough dudes now.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about this guy and his business. Howard thought that he was making stuff for other people but Robin and Artie told him that he was installing stuff for people. Howard said that Cindy is like a princess and she's looking for someone like Magnum P.I. or something. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that he never did replay Alanis Morisette's performance from the other day. He mentioned he had a lot of stuff to do there. He had Lisa G come in a short time later.
Lisa said that Artie has revealed some details around the release of his book ''Too Fat To Fish.'' He's going to be on Letterman, Conan and Kimmel and he'll be making book signing appearances and stuff like that. Howard said that Artie's book is on amazon.com and people have been saying that the book is listened under a bunch of keywords like alcoholism, loser, and obesity.
Lisa said that they have a story about Jason going down to Subway sandwiches and had the guy piling stuff on top of the sandwich too much so Jason walked out. The next day the manager gave him some extra coupons because he felt bad about it. Howard said that it's a sandwich and you can't just keep piling stuff on top of it.
Artie said that he doesn't get that they go to Subway when there are so many great delicatessens around there. Artie said that they ate at one not too long ago. Jason said that he doesn't have money to eat at the one that Artie was talking about.
Jason said that they had the story wrong too. He said that he was running down the line trying to keep track of the sandwich and all he did was ask for lettuce and mayo and the guy threw the sandwich and told him that he was done and he didn't want him cutting in line.
Jason said that they go there because it's quick and cheap. He said that he's not a big fan of their food, he just goes there because it's easy. Artie said their cold cuts aren't all that great there. Howard said he used to go to Subway when he was in college for tuna and it was really good. Artie said he's had some bad experiences with sandwiches from Subway before.
Lisa brought up the article in 40° 74° magazine about Robin's house. She said she spoke to the author of the story and she'll have more about that today. Howard asked Robin if Jim has any personal items down at her shore house. Robin said that he doesn't. Howard said that poor guy can't do anything.
Robin wasn't saying much about that and said she didn't want to discuss this with him. Howard said that she asked him about stuff like that when he was dating Beth early on. Howard said that she was being very childish about this and she should just talk about it. Howard asked if Mr. Ex (Mr. X) ever got a drawer in her place. She said that he didn't.
Howard said that this is a very weird decision for her. He said that Jim should have a tooth brush there at least. He said that Beth had a drawer there at his place and he talked about that on the air. Howard asked if Robin would be against Jim moving some stuff in. Robin said that she won't talk to him about that. She said that she might talk to Jim about it.
Howard said that Robin is acting like Lance Armstrong who is still pretending that he's not dating Kate Hudson. He claims that he doesn't know if he's dating her or not. Howard played a clip of Lance being interviewed by Barbara Walters and saying ''I don't know'' to her questions.
Howard took a call from a guy who was defending Subway and wanted to bring in some stuff for them to try. Howard said that he can come in and gave him a time to do that. He put him on hold so he could talk to Gary.
Howard asked Kathy what she's up to. Kathy was upset that they wouldn't let her bring her ''My Life On the D-list'' camera crew come in to shoot her show. Howard said that he has his own TV show, he doesn't need that in there.
Kathy was dating Steve Wozniak, who was the co-creator of Apple computers. She said that she never slept with him and she only went out with him a few times. Kathy said it was more of a friendship. Howard asked her if he ever made a move on her. Kathy said that he didn't really make a move on her.
Kathy said that he's a brilliant guy and changed the world so she didn't want to bad mouth him. Howard said he was going to read between the lines and say that she rejected him. Kathy said that he met someone else and proposed to that person.
Artie said that he's seen Woz and he's a cross between Bart Giamatti and Dom Deluise. Howard said that he's surprised that she couldn't get hot for him even with all of that money he's worth. Howard said it sounds like he was built like and Apple and wondered if that's why he named the company Apple. Howard saw a picture of him a short time later. He said that he did look a little like Dom Deluise but he wasn't a bad looking guy.
Howard said that he feels like Kathy would laugh at him in bed or something and he could never bang her because of that. Kathy said that she's not like that. She said that she's really into sex but she goes back to work after it.
Howard read that Kathy has said that she's a barrel of monkey's in bed. Howard asked her what she likes to do in bed. Kathy said that she likes a lot of kissing first. She said that if the kissing is bad she has to go to a bad place. She said that she likes a guy to kiss her down below too. Howard asked Robin if she likes that. Robin said that it's okay sometimes. Kathy said that it has to be gentle.
Howard asked Kathy if the carpet matches the drapes. She said that it does even though her hair up top is colored. She said that she keeps it trimmed down there too. She doesn't shave it down all the way though.
Howard said he read that Kathy said that she's not a big celebrity because she doesn't get on the regular Today Show. She said she gets put on the Kathie Lee Today Show instead.
Howard read that Kathy was banned from The View. Kathy said that she wasn't just banned, she was banned twice. She said that she told a story about Barbara doing something back stage in the make up room in front of 14 people and she got upset about it. Kathy said they were discussing lube in the green room and Barbara said that she uses Astroglide. Kathy said that she has to use lube because she can get sore if she's in some kind of marathon session. Howard said that Robin doesn't need lube. He asked Kathy if she's ever been with a woman. Kathy said that she's never done that.
Kathy talked about how she's banned from a lot of other shows like Letterman, Leno and Conan. Howard asked why that is. She said that some people say that she's not banned, she just doesn't warrant a booking. Howard said that Jay Leno can go fuck himself because he's a boarish asshole. He said that he likes Letterman and he was one of the first guys to give him a shot on national TV. He said he likes Jimmy Kimmel too. He said that he likes Conan too. He said that Jon Stewart is a good guy too and he'll do that show. He just won't do Leno's show. He told Kathy she doesn't need him either.
Howard said that Kathy's show ''My Life on the D-List'' is in it's fourth season now. He said he's never seen one of her shows though. He said that he does watch The Bachelorette though. He said that The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are both great shows. He asked Kathy how many episodes of Bowling Beauties on Howard TV she's seen. She hadn't seen any of them. Howard told her that he'll start watching her show this season.
Kathy talked about how she went on this awards show and Lauren Hutton was on trying to show how smart and funny she was. She said that her jokes weren't going over so well. Howard had some audio of the appearance Kathy was talking about and Lauren went up to get this award. He played it so everyone would know what Kathy was talking about.
Kathy said that the look on Howard's face was great while he was playing that clip. Howard played another clip of an interview Lauren did with a reporter after the show. She was still rambling and not making much sense. She kept talking about how she hadn't slept in 46 hours.
Howard and Kathy talked about the Lauren Hutton thing for a short time and then Howard gave her a plug for some appearances she's making. She had a bunch in the New York and New Jersey areas. You can find out more at KathyGriffin.net.
Howard took some calls for Kathy after that. One guy asked her if she likes her pussy licked. She had already talked about that so Howard and Robin goofed on the guy for not hearing that.
another caller brought up how funny a kid that Kathy and Carrot Top produced would look. Howard said that he's not sure that Kathy would be into Carrot Top. Another guy asked her about tossing a guy's salad. Kathy didn't know what that meant so Howard told her it meant tonguing a guys' ass. She said she wouldn't do that. She said that sometimes she'll swallow and sometimes she'll spit. She said she likes a combo of the two. She was also saying that some guys don't care about the swallowing thing.
Howard said that Robin won't swallow. He asked her about that but Robin deflected again. Robin wasn't answering so Howard asked her again and again.
Howard gave Kathy some more plugs and took another call. The caller said that Kathy once said ''fuck god'' during a speech she made. Howard had that clip available so he played that. In the clip Kathy said that Jesus had nothing to do with her getting that award. She didn't say ''fuck god'' though, she just said ''suck it Jesus!''
Howard played a clip of a religious dude going off on Kathy about that speech. Howard asked Kathy if she thinks she hurt Jesus' feelings with that comment. She said that she doesn't think so because she got a note from him and he's fine with it.
Another caller asked Kathy if she likes to date black guys. Kathy said that she went out with a black guy just recently and he was the last guy she had. Howard asked her if he was dark or light skinned. She said that he was pretty dark. She said he had dreads when Howard asked about the hair. Howard asked if he was darker than Robin. She said he was a different color than Robin but it was in the same color family.
The caller asked Howard if he's going to ask Barbara Walters about the Astroglide. Howard said that he will. He said he'll call Barbara himself and ask her himself.
Howard asked Kathy to show him the size of the black man's penis with her hands. She said she knew that was coming. She didn't show him the size. That led to Howard playing a clip from the movie ''Storytelling'' where a black guy is telling the woman to say ''Nig*er fuck me hard'' over and over again.
Howard wrapped up with Kathy and gave her some more plugs. He said that she always keeps her act current and that's what he likes about her act. He took one more call for her from what was supposed to be the black guy. It was the guys in the back playing a clip of a black guy saying ''A buig li ari dah, ah, mugi bugalia.'' They played that over and over again when Howard would ask him questions about dating Kathy. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said that he was reading about a scanner that's available now where you can scan your groceries and have the stuff delivered to your house. He said that sounds great to him but Robin said that it wouldn't work for her. She doesn't have anything that she can get scanned.
Howard said that he got an e-mail from Melrose Larry Green about a band that he performs with. He said that he wanted to come in to play in the studio and he's thinking that might be a good idea. He said that he'd like to hear what he's up to.
Howard said that Artie was out of it again today and almost falling asleep. Artie said that he was fine yesterday but Robin said that he really wasn't. She said he was just about falling asleep yesterday too.
Artie said that he had extra Hawaiian Punch this morning and it was another sugar crash. Howard told him to go nap in the green room if he wanted to. He told the guys to clear out Carly Simon's stuff and get Artie's bed out.
Artie wanted to hear the new version of Carly's ''You're So Vain'' song. He said that maybe he could listen to that in the green room. Fred played a lullaby as Artie was talking about that. He sounded like he was almost sleeping as he was talking.
Howard told Artie he did good today, he lasted from 6 to 7 and stayed awake. He told him that he's just eating too much and that's why he's crashing the way he is. Howard told him to go lay down. Howard blamed Doug Goodstein for introducing Artie to the breakfast burrito.
Will came in with an inflatable bed for Artie. Howard told him to go lay on that while she performs. Artie said that he was going to look like a dead guy. Howard told him not to worry, he'd handle it. He said they'll just tell her that he's a homeless guy.
Will blew up the inflatable bed but Howard said that it might be best if he left the studio to sleep. He said he had to take a break so Carly's people could set up anyway. He told Artie to go to the green room but Gary told him that Kathy was still there so he didn't have an open green room. Howard told Artie they can have him wake up for the gossip game. Artie said he's going to sleep through that game either in there or out in the green room. He won't be awake for that either way.
Gary said that he got an article from Lisa G about how guys with stomach's bigger than a size 40 have a better chance of having a heart attack. Artie didn't seem to care.
They were still messing around with the inflatable bed but Artie wasn't sure if he wanted to sleep in there or not. He said that it wouldn't be right for him to do that to Carly. Howard said that he could have been dome with his nap by now if they had just let him go before they messed with the bed. They went to break a short time later.
Carly Simon was in the studio so Howard got to her and said that he knows she doesn't like to perform because she gets stage fright. Carly thanked him for reminding her of that. Howard said that her son Ben was there as well. He said that he must know that his mother is hot and then asked her about how she likes to be smacked in the ass before she goes on stage. He said he'd be willing to do that for her if she needed it.
Howard asked Carly's son who she likes to see perform better, his mother or father. Ben said that feels that his mother needs his support more than his father does.
Howard heard that Carly and James Taylor haven't really spoken much since they got divorced. Ben said that they have spoken a few times.
Carly said that when you get divorced in California you have to go to therapy if you have kids. Carly said that she doesn't even know James' phone number, address or anything like that. Ben said that he feels that it's a bit of a sensitive issue and he tries to keep it at a minimum.
Robin said that it seems like James is the one who has the problem. Carly said that she'd like to speak to James but she's really not sure what it is that keeps him from letting her do that. Howard asked when she last offered to speak to him. She said that it was about a year ago and he didn't want to talk to her. Howard asked Ben who is wrong in this situation. Ben said that both of them are.
Ben went on to say that both of them have gone through a lot of pain in all of this and they're both at fault in some way. He said that he doesn't want to hear anything bad about his mother from his father so they don't talk about that stuff when they get together. He said that James does send his best and fond wishes for his mother but they just don't talk.
Howard asked Carly what she wanted to talk to James about last time. She said it was something about their daughter and no one would get involved and give her the information so she could call him. Carly said that she wishes that it was just over with so they could move on. Carly said that she has even been kicked off of stages that James was going to be on. She said that she's not looking to get back together with him or anything but she does have great memories about him.
Howard said that Ben should take sides in this and pick one of the two. Ben said that he has asked his father to talk to his mother but it just doesn't happen. He said that it's all too negative for his father and he just doesn't want to go to that negative and dark place. Howard said that he doesn't think that Carly is negative and dark from what he can tell. Ben said that they both had broken hearts and people heal differently.
Howard asked how James' heart was broken. Carly said that James was out on the road a lot and there was some cheating going on so she got back at him by doing the same. That's where the heart breaking came into play.
Howard said that this was something else. He said he considered the two of them to be liberal and peace movement types and they're holding this grudge against each other. He said that he wants to bring those two back together. He said that they must have a lot of issues to talk about. He said that he and his wife still talk even though they're not best friends anymore.
Carly said that she thinks that things have been icy over the years and the ice gets harder and harder to break. Ben said that his father used to get angry when his mother wouldn't be at the house and he'd end up bringing his laundry there and do it. He'd also eat food from her refrigerator and stuff like that.
Howard said that he'd like to get together with James and try to work things out for the two of them. Carly said that this is the first time they've ever talked about this. Ben said that he had a feeling that he was going to have to hear about lubricants and stuff and he had no idea they were going to be talking about this.
Howard said that Ben must hate the two young kids that James has now. Ben said that he loves those kids, those are his brothers. Howard said that they're probably going to get all of the inheritance. Ben said that he doesn't need it anyway and they do.
Howard asked Carly if she had anything to say to James. She said that she wishes that someone would talk some sense to James and just let her talk to him. She said that she wants to be ''groovy'' people with him. Ben said that they were together at his sister's wedding. Howard asked what that was like. Carly said that she wasn't very welcome in the house because it was at James' house. She had to use the port-a-potty there.
Carly said that she didn't even have a place to sit at the wedding. She had to sit at her daughter's father-in-law's parents. Howard said that he can't believe all of this. Ben said he found it hard to believe that she wasn't allowed in the house. Ben said that there is a coldness between the two of them and it does kind of come mostly from his father.
Howard said that this is probably more uncomfortable than they're even letting on. Howard said that they have to stop the bullshit though and just get over it. He said he wouldn't want his parents treating each other that way if they got divorced.
Carly said that this isn't what she planned on doing today but Howard was actually making it better than it was getting it out there like this.
Ben said that his father is kind of intimidating to some and that might be why it doesn't usually come out. Carly said that she just had a reading with a psychic recently and she told her that someone was going to put pressure on Ben to be an arbitrator in this. Ben said that he never would have thought it was going to be Howard Stern.
Howard said that James shouldn't make it seem like he's going to cut him off or something if he brings this stuff up. Robin said that it was making it sound like James has them all under his thumb. Carly said that his son Livingston isn't under his thumb and he'll give James a hard time about this stuff. Carly said that Livingston will tell her about how the other wives are threatened by her and that's why they keep James away from her.
Howard said that they shouldn't be threatened by her because she has no desire to get back together with him. Howard asked her what she wants to say to James at this point. Carly said that she would like to say she's sorry to him about the things that he thinks she's done wrong. She also wants him to talk about what he's got against her so they can thrash it out and just get it out in the open.
Carly said that James is one of the funniest men in the world and she really just misses him. She said that she knows that she did things wrong to him. She said that she didn't understand his addiction very well and screwed up.
Ben said that he's not sure who is right but he does like hearing them standing up for his mom. He said that means a lot to him. Howard said that James' wife was the one who introduced Ben to him when he was out at the concert recently. He said that she seems to be a very nice person as well. Howard asked Ben if his sister Sally loves her father more. He's not sure about that.
Howard told Carly she has to get out there and tour because she's not worth as much as James is. Howard read that Gary's cousin Jill Dell'Abate is in Carly's band. Howard talked to her and said that he thought she was just in the music industry and didn't know she was in a band. Jill said that she has worked with James and the last time she was on the show was when James was there. Jill didn't want to say anything about the situation but she did say that Carly is a beautiful person and she has a great heart.
Howard introduced Larry the drummer and a couple of other guys who were going to be playing today with Carly. He talked about how good Carly was looking even though she doesn't work out. Carly said that she hates exercising. She said that it's not quite as pretty when she takes her clothes off. Ben said that he thinks he saw her naked in the last year or so. Ben said that she sits naked at the pool so he has seen her naked there. Howard said that she must be a firecracker in bed.
Howard asked Carly if she ever slept with any of Ben's friends. She said that she hadn't. Howard asked Ben if he's ever looked at her bush. Carly told Howard that she has a full bush down there. She also said that she has only one breast because she lost one and there is only one nipple there. She said that it's like a mannequin breast. Howard said that maybe Carly shouldn't be out in the sun if she's had cancer before.
Howard asked about this special version of ''You're So Vain'' and asked her to tell them who the song was about. She said that she wasn't going to talk about that. Carly said that she was kind of shaken up about this conversation so she wasn't sure about the song today. Howard said she'll be fine and this will calm her down.
Howard had Carly and the band perform the song after that. After the song Howard said that was a great arrangement and he liked that her son was working with her that way.
Howard asked Ben if he's getting laid. Ben said that he can't get a woman to look at him at all and he's still a virgin. Howard said that he's got to be pulling his leg. Ben said he wasn't.
Howard asked how that arrangement came about. Carly said that she doesn't have the vocals that she used to and she had to come up with a new version. She said that they've done a bunch of songs with new arrangements. Howard told her how great that song is. He said that only Dick Ebersol knows who that song is about but he had to pay to find out who it was. Carly said that he and 9 of his friends know who it's about because he brought those 9 friends with him. Ben said that those guys had to sign confidentiality agreements though.
Howard asked why Carly would do something like that. Carly said that it was for a charity that the $50,000 went to. Howard wanted to know who it was so Carly said that she would tell him but not on the air.
Howard asked Carly if she had ever been with a woman. Carly said that she was always too afraid to do that but she did have women come on to her.
Howard heard that Carly will go to hospitals and hold kid's hands as they're being operated on. Carly said that she does sing to them but she can't hold their hands because they're not as sterile as theirs are. She does that because her boyfriend is a doctor. She said that she thinks that she might work in the hospital with him to be there for the kids when they come out of anesthesia.
Howard said that Carly has a new album out called ''This Kind of Love'' and you can find out tour dates at CarlySimon.com.
Carly said that she had a deal with Starbucks but the deal kind of fell apart when they fired everyone from this company that she had the deal with. She said that she's doing all of this on her own right now but she's hoping the people from Starbucks will come around and right their wrong.
Howard was going to play a song off of Carly's new album so he asked her about what this song was about. She gave him an explanation about where it came from. Howard played the song as they were going to break. The song was ''So Many People To Love.''
After the break we heard a Jerky Boys prank call to a clown. Fred also played James Taylor's live performance of ''Woodstock'' as they were coming back. Howard came back and said that maybe that was Fred's effort at bringing everyone back together.
Howard brought up the Carly Simon thing and said that she came right up to him and told him who it was. She was also crying when she was talking to him because she was so worked up about the discussion they had about James. Howard said that he had no idea that he was ever going to try and patch things up between those two.
Howard had Mike Walker on the phone so he asked him if he was surprised that he knew who that song was about. Mike thought he knew and said that it was Warren Beatty. Howard said he would be surprised if he knew the real answer.
Howard mentioned that Artie was asleep in the green room. He asked Mike how much that story would be worth to him if he gave him the information about Carly Simon. Mike said it depends on who it is.
Howard got to Mike's game after giving him a plug for his book ''Get Real!: The Untold Story: Sexy, Scary, Scandalous World of Reality TV!.''
Here's how the game goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Steve Langford came in with his news report. He said that Artie is flying down to Dallas to do a show tomorrow. There is a station down there that is promoting the show but they're not saying Artie's name at all. They're promoting it as a night with Colin Quinn and friends.
Steve also said that Bob Levy got married yesterday at his wife's parent's house. Bob also clogged the toilet at the house after the wedding.
Steve said that Bubba the Love Sponge is going to be at a baseball game with Ned throwing out the first pitch. He also mentioned a couple of anniversary's like Howard's first appearance on David Letterman's show in 1984.
Jon Hein came in and gave his Wrap Up Show preview. He ran down his list and started off with the Carly Simon story. Howard said he's still amazed that she told him about who that song was about. That led to the guys asking if Howard was going to tell Beth his secret. Howard said he wouldn't but then thought about it for a moment and said that he may have to tell her. He said that he will tell Robin but she can't share it with Jim.
Howard went to Mutt from Superfan Roundtable. Mutt said that they're going to talk about whether or not the fans like when his dad calls in. Wolfie is going to be on with them and they'll also go over the ''setting the table'' debate. They're also going to talk about Ralph and Jimmy Kimmel's fight.
Howard asked Wolfie what he thinks is going on with his swiping of the teeth. Wolfie said he thinks it's a moisture thing and also a nervous tick.
Wolfie said that he noticed that Gary wears a lot of work out sweat shirts and stuff but he doesn't appear to work out at all. He said those are the things that he noticed most today. Wolfie said that Gary is also very chatty. He said that Gary was telling him stories that he really didn't care about. Gary said that being chatty is good because he finds out stuff from people that way.
Gary said that Wolfie was pretty chatty and brought up some stuff about REM that he didn't care about. Wolfie said that Gary talked a lot about what was going on with the show and how they do things there. Gary said that he wouldn't normally do that if Wolfie wasn't there. Wolfie said he thinks that he would actually do that.
Gary asked if Wolfie was done now. Howard said he was and knew that Gary just wanted to get him out of there. Wolfie asked one more question and asked Robin what she would do if she had to eat a piece of meat or kiss Benjy. Robin said that she would kiss Benjy before she'd eat a piece of meat. Howard thought that was bullshit.
Ralph called in and said that he thinks he could kick Jimmy Kimmel's ass if he got into a fight with him. That led to Ralph saying that he should go out and get his own show where he rips Howard off. He also said that it would be funny if Jimmy did end up punching him. Howard said that Jimmy really is on Ralph's mind a lot.
Ralph said that Jimmy is a ''pudgy pussy'' and he can dish it out but can't take it. Ralph said that he might have to throw a punch before Jimmy does.
A woman called in and said that she doesn't buy Artie's ''sugar crash'' story. She said she'd buy that if he was 30 pounds, not 300 pounds. Howard said that Artie had been asleep for 2 hours now. The woman said that Howard is missing the signs that Artie is having big problems there. She said that he must be gullible or something. Howard said that he's not sure he's on drugs and he's not going to assume that.
Another woman called in and said she's going to see Artie tomorrow night and she wants to meet him. Howard told her he'll arrange for her to meet him tomorrow. She said that she's kind of short but Howard put her on hold anyway.
Robin started off the news talking about the stimulus check's that the country is sending out. She had stories about John Hinkley Jr. having four girlfriends, some people suing over getting bird fever from a bird they bought in a pet store, a female teacher accused of having sex with a student and more.
Howard mentioned that someone is going to be selling a piece of toast with an image on it that looks kind of like him.
Robin read some news about Barack Obama's wife Michelle being on The View yesterday. She had some audio of that to play. Robin read a story about the winner of the sexiest vegetarian contest that went on at PETA's web site. Robin was in the running but Leona Lewis took the win.
Robin had some news about Angelina Jolie, Tim Russert's son and Tom Brokaw talking about Tim Russert's death, other political news about Obama and McCain, President Bush talking about oil prices, Tiger Woods' broken leg, the hottest men in the country, Anne Hathaway in Get Smart and more. Howard ended the show around 10:45am. Artie was still sleeping in the green room.
Jon asked Gary about the conversation Howard had with Carly Simon. Gary said that he read last night that she hadn't spoken to James Taylor in 26 years and it was a big surprise to him. He didn't know that it was going to be such a big thing in the interview. He said it seemed to be easier for Carly and her son to talk about it on the air than it might be in private.
Gary said that it appeared that they were very uncomfortable during the interview too. Gary said that most interviewers aren't going to ask about something like that either.
Jon played a clip of Howard talking to Carly about why she and James Taylor broke up. After playing the clip Gary said that there could have been other stuff going on too. He said that he heard that it was his drug use that broke them up.
Jon said that Carly doesn't perform live much at all so this is really not a regular thing to do. Gary said that she's only performed live 75 times. He also said that she gave them permission to air that performance on Howard TV for a limited time which is also unusual.
A caller asked Gary if they have to make a deal to play their new album to get a live performance out of a guest. Gary said that they do kind of do that now. Gary said that Howard let the whole song play today too and that's kind of what they're doing now with musical guests.
The caller asked how Carly was looking. Gary said that she looked good and he found out that she's turning 63 in a week from tomorrow. He said that he'd still bang her if he had the chance. Jon said that she did look good to him too.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked about Artie sleeping and why Howard puts up with it. He said that Artie seemed to be in bad shape all week long. Gary said that Howard is aware of what's going on and he doesn't seme to have a problem with it because he's figured out a way to fit it into the show. Jon said that it would have been kind of rude if Artie had fallen asleep in the studio. He said he wanted to hold off on that discussion for a little while.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he was impressed with the Carly Simon interview and how open she was. He said that Howard is on kind of a roll with that interview and with Rosie O'Donnell. Gary agreed but he knows that people are going to call in and say that Carly isn't an a-list star and stuff like that.
Jon asked Gary how weird it is to see his cousin up there singing with Carly. Gary said it was cool and she's done a bunch of other albums. He said that she there was one guy in the band who was pounding on an apple box so that was kind of weird.
Another caller said that he thinks that James Taylor's new wife may be the one keeping James from Carly. Gary said that they didn't really ask about that but that could be an issue. Gary said that it's obvious that Carly is hurting from the relationship with James.
Wheels called in and said that he sees James Taylor in a new light after that interview. He said that it all came off very bizarre. Gary said that it really is. He said he thought it all looked great from the outside but now he sees how it really is.
Wheels also said that he hopes that Ralph kicks Jimmy Kimmel's ass. He said that he does copy the show and he's been getting passes for years from Howard. He said that Ralph gets on his nerves but he'd still like him to kick Jimmy's ass. Gary said he'd like to see that fight too.
Gary said that he doesn't watch Jimmy's show or any of the other late night shows, but he thinks that Jimmy is really funny. He said that Jimmy was really pissed about what Ralph. Jon said that he thinks that Ralph is in good shape and he could fight but Jimmy has that ''I hate Ralph'' strength that can push you pretty far.
Gary said he was going to fight Ralph but K-Rock wasn't able to come up with the money. He said that he trained for a couple of months but it didn't work out. He said that it's a lot of work to do that.
Another caller thought that the Carly Simon interview was boring and he didn't care to hear about that stuff. He said that James Taylor comes in and just sings instead of airing his dirty laundry. The caller also said that her performance was bad. Gary asked him if he really thought that was true. The guy said that it couldn't have been more horrible. Jon and Gary both disagreed. They said that it sounded good to them.
the caller said that he didn't think they learned anything about Carly today. Jon and Gary both said that didn't seem right because they did learn a lot.
Teddy said that Artie wants blood when someone wakes him up. He said that he'd probably be better off with his assistant waking him up instead. He doesn't go off on his assistant like he used to go off on Teddy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Carly's performance today wasn't all that great. He said that she screwed it up right from the start. Jon said that she was a little shaky in the beginning but she did a great job overall. The guy was going off on them about the way they were just treating her nice because of who she is. Gary cursed him out and the guy ended up hanging up.
Gary said that he liked the performance and it doesn't have to be perfect. Another caller said that he didn't think it was that great but the Piers interview yesterday was. He said that he felt that Howard rushed through that interview. Jon said he didn't think he rushed him out. Jon told the guy that the interview went almost an hour long so he's not sure how he rushed him.
Jon asked Benjy about Artie crashing and if he's the first to see it and if it's weird for him to see that. Benjy said that it's not that big of a deal. He said that he will see him getting tired and he guesses that he sees him first. He wondered if he should do something. Gary told him he should slip him a note or something. Benjy said that he will do that from now on then. Benjy said he feels weird about doing that though. Gary said that they all do.
Another caller brought up Artie's gambling discussions and talked about how he's going to have the IRS on his ass if he keeps talking about it on the air. He said that it's obvious that he's got an illegal bookie doing the bets for him. Jason said that he thinks that it's just ''Artie's character'' that's doing that.
Jason said that he was mad at Lisa G for writing things up the way she does because she gets it wrong. Gary said that he's heard that a lot about Lisa. Jason said that it sucks when you have to come out and defend yourself when she does that. Jon said that he actually did tell Lisa she had her story wrong before she went in there but she apparently didn't understand what he told her.
Jason said that he doesn't want anyone going to the guy at Subway where the guy looks like Saddam Hussein. He said that guy is an asshole. it's the Subway that's in their building.
Jason said that he was blown away by Carly Simon's performance today. He said that her interview was awesome and her song was great too because she put so much passion into it.
Jon talked about how giddy Howard was when he found out who the song was about. Gary said he's going to lay back and not ask him who it was. He said that Howard seemed like he was about to talk about it during the break but he didn't quite come out and say it. He said that he will find out at some point. He said that he and Mary are going to go out to visit him in a couple of months and he may try to get the answer out of him then.
Another caller said that the song ''Anticipation'' was about Cat Stevens. He thought that's what he heard about it but the guys weren't sure where he got that from. Gary asked if Howard had asked her if she was part black. Benjy said that he did ask about that.
A caller said that Carly was flat throughout the song but she did give it a good try. He said that the interview was great. He asked why they've never had Jimmy Buffet on the show. Gary said that he's never asked to come on. He said that they'd probably take him in a second.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked Gary if they could get together a special where they play some of the more recent people performing live songs. He said that he loves that kind of stuff. Gary said he's not sure what kind of new stuff they have since the music special they did.
Jason said that Artie was still doing his interview and it looks like they're putting make up on him. He said he was very professional with the whole thing and rolled right out of bed and went into that interview. Jon had to go to break after that.
Gary said that he had to kick Kathy Griffin out and she got mad at him. He said that he told her he had a monitor in his studio if she wanted to watch Carly Simon but she threw it in his face that she has an Emmy.
Artie said that he really needed sleep and he didn't know what else to do. He said that he knows that Howard was playing it in his head if he should have him sleeping on the floor there.
Gary told Artie that he made the right call going into the green room to sleep because the interview turned out to be great without him sleeping on the floor. He didn't think that she would have opened up to Howard the way she did if Artie was in there.
Gary told Artie about what happened during that interview and all of the stuff that came out. Artie asked some questions about what Gary was telling him. He wondered if they found out who that song was about. Gary said that she did tell Howard but he won't tell anyone.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Robin seemed to point it out that Artie was sleeping and she seems really annoyed by that. Artie said that Robin does get annoyed with him and maybe that's because she thinks that he treats himself so badly. He said that it was like a teacher yelling at him. The caller told him to keep sleeping because he thinks it's great.
Another caller said that he doesn't give a fuck about the merger and he's sick of Howard talking about it. The guy asked what it's going to do for him. The guy said that he bought SIRIUS for Howard only and he doesn't want 10 million other people listening to the show.
Artie went into a sales pitch, goofy voice and all, and told the guy that they'll have more channels for minorities and they'll also have Oprah. He said that they'll also have baseball. The caller said that he has baseball on his TV and he doesn't need it on his radio.
The caller said that SIRIUS is like a cult thing right now and he wants it to stay that way. Artie told him that cults don't make any money, that's the problem. Artie said that the merger is going to do nothing and the stock is going to stay at a dollar fifty. They're going to keep doing the same show and it's not going to change anything.
The caller was saying that he called in to go off on Artie about his sleeping on the show. Another guy called in and said that there's something wrong there when Scott the Engineer has to work his ass off and Artie gets to sleep. Gary said that Artie is talent and Scott has a job there.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he liked the Kathy Griffin interview. He also asked Gary to get Seth McFarlane on the show. Gary said that they actually passed on him as a guest recently. He's not on Howard's radar so that's why they passed. Gary asked how he is in an interview. The guy didn't know but he said that Howard could make it great.
Gary said that he guys who created South Park are kind of goofy in interviews and that's why they wouldn't have them on. Artie said that Family Guy isn't in the same league as The Simpsons. Gary said that it's pretty funny from what he's heard. Gary said that they are consistently funny over there as far as he knows. Jon agreed.
The guys asked Artie what happened to him during that interview. Artie said that when Howard says that he's got her coming in, he always falls asleep.
Jon took some calls about the Kathy Griffin interview. One guy said that he seems to agree with just about everything that Jason says and he loves that guy ''in a non faggot way.'' He said that Jason bitches about everything but he's so dead on about what he says that he likes that guy.
Artie said that if Jason has his way they're going to have a black guy in office soon. The caller said that's better than a chick. He also gave the guys a little promo and talked about how great the show is.
A caller told the guys to get some close ups of Artie's pupils and check him over to see if he's on drugs. He said that he's wondering if he's being secretly entertained because Artie is secretly on smack. Artie said that he knows he's not the healthiest guy right now and he knows he should join a gym. He said he's just drinking beers, smoking weed and shootin' smack. He's just having fun.
Gary asked Teddy why he's got air force wings tattooed on his arm. Teddy said that he was in the air force but he was just kidding and it was some other kind of symbol.
Artie said that he just got a text from Jillian Grace giving him some health tips. He read it and she was telling him to use the smoothie recipe that she sent to him instead of drinking punch. He did it in the voice he pictures her saying that in.
Jon mentioned that Benjy had a special guest with him today. It was his mother. Gary said he had a simple question for her. He asked her how old he is. She said that he's as old as he says he is. Jon said that was amazing that she was going along with Benjy. She said that they'd know how old she was if they knew how old Benjy was.
Gary said that she was very classy looking and looked like Jackie Onasis or something. She said that Benjy is classy looking too. Artie asked her what she thinks when Howard says that he's ''vile.'' She said that she'd rather not say.
Jon asked who she likes other than her own son. She said that she loves them all. Benjy said that she's very fond of Artie. They had to wrap up the show a short time later.