|Friday||Master Tape Theatre|
Dracula Gottfried came on and introduced the first segment which was one with the first real Wack Packer, Irene the Leather Weather Lady.
The Dahm triplets, who posed in Playboy magazine recently, came in to play a dating game with three of Howard's listeners today. The three 21 year olds, Nicole, Erica and Jacklyn, were brought in by this guy David Krieff who has brought other guests to the show in the past. Every time he comes he demands that he sit in the studio and today was no different. He said if he wasn't allowed in the studio he would take the girls away. Howard brought him in and tried to talk some sense to him but it didn't work and he sat in for the whole segment. Howard told him this is the last time they do business with him and he didn't seem to have a problem with it.
Howard eventually brought the triplets in and spent some time talking to them. The girls were all dressed alike and said they do that often. They all have breast implants that they got on the same day at the same doctor. They said they had always been an A-cup so they got the implants for self esteem. Now they're all C-cups. None of them are married and they all live in the same 3 bedroom apartment. Howard asked them if they'd ever slept with the same guy at the same time. They said they've never done that and that until recently they didn't even get undressed in front of each other.
After talking to the girls for quite a while he started the dating game. He brought each guy in one at a time and found out a little bit about each one. Here's what the girls had to choose from:
Siobhan was calling himself ''Siobhan Autumn'' at the time. He talked about the sex change operation that he wanted to get in about 2 years. He said he never wanted a penis and he has no problem with the doctors taking it away and turning it into a vagina.
Siobhan talked about the surgery he was getting to try and look more like a woman. He was having some implants put into his face and eventually wanted to get breast implants. He still sounded like a man to Howard so he goofed on his voice a little bit.
Howard and Robin were trying to figure out why Siobhan ended up like she did. Howard said that it must have been a rough upbringing or something but Siobhan said that it was normal and this thing was a biological thing.
Howard was going to try and find Siobhan a date so he went to the phones and tried to find someone for him. One guy told Howard to ''Shoot that fag between the eyes...'' Another caller asked what he ate so he could know to keep away from it. One guy said he wanted a date with him but Howard figured the guy wanted to beat him up and not actually date him.
Another caller said that he was into dating Siobhan but Howard wasn't sure about that guy either. Howard whipped through a bunch of calls but most of them sounded like they weren't going to be into it for real. Howard found one guy who claimed to have gone on a date with a transsexual one time. Howard kept the guy on the line and asked him if he was a homo. The guy hung up when he heard that.
Howard found a woman who was willing to date Siobhan so he put her on hold. He went through a bunch of other calls and most of the guys were just goofing around so Howard ended up hanging up on most of them. He took a ton of calls but wasn't having much luck finding many people for Siobhan. He eventually found a few people to play Dial-a-Date with Siobhan.
Howard had one woman and two men to play Dial-a-Date with Siobhan. He put each one on the line with Siobhan separately and asked each of them a bunch of question so Siobhan could figure out which one he wanted to date. They spoke to the first guy for a few minutes about why he wanted to date Siobhan. The caller was a medical doctor and claimed that he had the day off to be able to call in. Howard asked the caller what he would like to do with Siobhan. The caller said that he wanted to get to know more about him.
Howard went to the second caller and asked him a bunch of questions for Siobhan. After that they went to the woman who had called in. The woman asked if Siobhan was going to be a lesbian when he goes through with the operation. Siobhan said that he's not sure, he may be a bi-sexual when he's done. They went through a bunch of questions with the woman and then had Siobhan pick the one that he wanted to go out with. Siobhan ended up picking the woman.
Howard went to the other two contestants and told them the bad news. Howard gave the woman on the phone the good news and spent a few minutes talking to Siobhan before wrapping up.
Howard found out that Bob had ''one, two, three'' strokes after his crack abuse. Howard told Bob that they were going to have him back in to do a Dial-a-Date sometime. He told Bob that he really likes him and he wants to help him out.
Howard said that the can't believe how much work he put into his book and then he ends up with this guy Bob as the first one in line. He spent a few more minutes with Bob and told him he'd have him back for the dating game thing.
Howard asked Bob what his first name was. Bob said that it was Bob but his friend that was in with him said that it's actually George. He says ''Bob'' because it's easier for him to say than George Harvey which was his real full name.
After that segment we heard a newer segment where they played ''Dame Dat Dune'' with Bob. Here's what I wrote when they played this segment from July 24, 1996.
Howard had Crackhead Bob come into the studio and explained who he was and how he got to be the way he did by overdosing on crack cocaine. Bob had some trouble saying some things. Howard asked him if he had tape of his voice before he was on crack and Bob said he thinks so but then said he doesn't know.
Howard said that Bob got so into crack that he stroked out and kept smoking the stuff. Howard said that Bob did this to himself and made a mess. He's got one dead arm, which is covered in Howard Stern tattoos. He even has the E! logo on the arm.
Bob tried to tell Howard and the guys about meeting Mary Jo Buttafuocco out in the green room but he really didn't have anything to say about it. Howard assumed that she saw the tattoos and had something to say but didn't have a clue about what she actually did say to him since Bob wasn't able to relay that to him.
Howard said that they found out that Bob is very funny when he sings when they did this Van Halen bit with him. Howard replayed the bit and reminded everyone what he was talking about. Bob sang along to the bit each time he sang one of the songs.
Howard said that he really wants to put out an album featuring Bob's songs. He said that they're going to play a game next where they have fans try and guess what song Bob is singing. Howard said they're going to call it ''Dame Dat Dune'' like Name That Tune. He said they have money to give away and the fans will have the chance to win.
Howard said he was going to give Bob a prize too but the stuff they had to give away wasn't anything that Bob could use.
After a fast forward in the segment we heard Howard talking to bob about going to rehab and Howard telling him he's a pussy. Then Howard got a contestant on the phone and had Bob sing one of his songs. It was a pretty easy one to get, it was the Rolling Stones Brown Sugar and it was pretty recognizable. The contestant got it right so they moved on to the next song. Bob sang something that was almost recognizable. Fred said he thought he almost had it but then it faded away. The caller didn't know what it was. Howard went through a few more calls and tried to get a winner. He wasn't having any luck and then found out that the callers on hold couldn't hear him singing.
Howard went off on Tom Chiusano when he found out that the callers couldn't hear what was going on. Tom came in and tried to explain why they couldn't get a new phone system but Howard just went off on him for a few minutes about that and about his constant golfing. He wished him cancer of the tongue from licking his golf balls so he won't have to hear him talk anymore.
Howard had Bob sing another song for the caller he had on the line. Bob sang a song but no one knew what he was singing. Howard was trying to get his CD player to work but ended up beating it up a little bit. He played Rod Stewart's ''Maggie May'' for Bob to sing along with but Bob only knew a small part of it. He was trying to figure out what part of the song Bob was singing for the callers because it really wasn't recognizable.
Howard said he was going to have Bob do one last song before he kicked him out of there. After an edited out break Howard came back and did some sexy talk with Bob. Bob played along and tried talking to Howard in a sexy way. He said a lot of ''oh yeah baby'' since he can't say much of anything else.
Howard told Bob that he had to get done with him and move on with this game. He got one last caller on the line and then had Bob sing another song. Bob screeched something out that didn't even sound like a song. Howard said it sounded like Indians praying for rain. He said that only dogs could hear the other end of that. The caller guessed it was Stairway to Heaven'' but he was wrong. Howard told him he was right because he wanted to end the bit. He told the guy he couldn't give him the prize though.
Howard took another call from a guy who had a problem with his voice. He said he had polyps in his throat and that's why he wasn't able to speak. Howard had Bob sing another song for the guy and it turned out to be Maggie May again. Howard asked him to do a different one so he screeched out the song he'd just done for the other caller. Matty the caller didn't know the right answer. Howard gave him the prize anyway. Gary then played the song on the air and had Bob sing along with it. It turned out to be Eric Clapton's ''Layla.''
Howard thanked Bob for playing the game and wrapped up with him. Gary gave Matty a prize and told him he was going to the Horde Festival to see Lenny Kravitz. Howard wrapped up with Bob and asked him not to wear shorts to the studio again because they were very disturbing looking. Howard had Gary give him some prizes as well.
Gary told Howard that they had someone from the Mayor's office in Philadelphia. The woman, Susan, had a proclamation to read for Howard and Janks had set all of this set up for him. Susan read the proclamation which was making it Howard Stern Day in Philly on December 9, 1995.
Howard said that he would push for Mayor Rendell to win in the next election but Susan told him that he had just been reelected. Howard seemed relieved that he didn't have to push for him to win then.
Howard played one of Janks' prank calls where he pretended to be in a car accident while calling into a TV show. Janks told some stories about how he's tried to defend John DeBella lately. He's constantly on the phone with radio guys and DeBella actually sent him a gift certificate to a steak house for helping him out with something. Janks claimed that he got laid when he went out to eat at that place.
Howard let Janks get in some plugs for a few things but Janks was going on and on a little too much so Howard cut him off and asked him how long he had been in there. Howard told him it was absurd and he couldn't get caught up in his world.
After that segment we heard another one where a guy was playing clips of Larry King's show where they were getting some prank calls. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about that.
Howard said that King claimed that the blast was caused by Howard Stern's gas. The guy at CNN didn't flinch and kept him on the line for about 4 minutes. Howard read through an article about the call and then played the audio of the actual call. The call did last a few seconds but not the 4 minutes that the news reports were saying. Howard replayed the call and got a few more laughs out of the call. He let King go a short time later.
In another segment from September 30, 1993 Howard had Captain Janks and King of All Messengers on the phone at the same time. Janks had a new call to play for Howard. Janks was going off on ''Baldie'' (John DeBella) and goofing on him a little bit. Howard played one of Janks' new calls and then Janks got upset that he didn't win the F-Emmy that year and thought that they had kind of screwed him over. Janks was very upset that King had won over him when he was the first one to ever do Howard Stern prank calls.
Gary said that Janks was even more pissed off when he was off the air than he is on the air. He said that he seemed to be getting really upset about the whole thing. Howard told Janks that it was absurd for him to get so upset. Janks said that he just wanted King to come up with his own ideas and not steal his ideas. King said that he has his own style. Janks yelled at King about all of this stuff he does and how he thinks he's ripping him off but King didn't seem to get all that upset about it.
Gary said that Janks called about the F-Emmy award when he lost and he was almost in tears. Gary said that he had to remind him that they're imaginary awards so he shouldn't get that upset.
Howard asked King what he had to play for them this morning. King had a clip from the Donahue show where he called in and threw out Baba Booey references and stuff while using a voice altering device. Janks figured he had ripped off that idea from him too. Howard kept telling King that he was doing a great job which seemed to piss Janks off even more.
Janks and King of All Messengers went back and forth arguing about that stuff for a few minutes. Janks was threatening to go after King and prank call him all the time. He said he was going to be there wherever he was as long as there was a phone. King said that Janks can do that because he has no life.
Howard gave Janks an F-Emmy trying to calm him down. He told him that it was a Lifetime Achievement Award. King ended up going off on Janks about him not having a life and selling his tapes for 2 bucks a piece. Janks told King to come up with some new stuff like Ponce De LaPhone has done.
Howard told Janks he was being a child with that stuff. King told Janks he was still a fan of his and he was the best. Janks said he liked the idea of doing a boxing match against him. Gary told him he was out of his mind.
Janks and King eventually made up before Howard let them go. Janks played some personal calls between him and John DeBella before Howard hung up on him.
Porno star Serenity came in to give a nude rubdown to the winner of a hard luck story contest. The winner, Joe, had cancer in his throat and sinus. He has a very odd voice so he won fairly easily. Howard talked with him a little bit before bringing in Serenity. Joe's been through a lot and has the scars to prove it. As soon as he walked in Howard said he was an odd looking dude. Joe hasn't had sex in 7 or 8 years since his wife left him after he got cancer. Poor guy... Joe's prize also includes a free trip to the premiere of Serenity's new movie ''Porno Gothic''. At the premiere he gets to sit next to Jenna Jameson among other porn stars. After taking a commercial break Howard brought the beautiful Serenity in to give her nude rub down. Joe was in a towel so he could cover up his scars. It didn't take long for Serenity to take off her tube dress and show off her 36-25-36 figure. Gary mentioned that one of the interns has a crush on Serenity and even wrote a song for her. Greg the intern came in and sang a little bit of the awful song. Gary said the kid can't make up his mind about Serenity. One day he says she doesn't look that great and the next he's changing his story. Luckily Howard didn't put up with him too long. After Howard kicked him out he had Serenity rubbing down Joe. She put rubbing oil on her chest to warm it up for Joe. She then proceeded to rub Joe's back for a while. She was even putting her hands up under his towel. Joe was kind of uptight and wasn't letting her do her thing. Eventually he rolled onto his back and she rubbed his chest. Howard said that she was even brushing over his penis with her arm. Joe was very uptight through the whole thing so Howard had the E! guys lower the lights. Even that didn't help Joe. He clamped his legs together and didn't let Serenity get up under his towel. After the rubdown Serenity plugged her new movie and promoted her web site at www.wickedgirl.com. She said that anyone can come to the premiere of ''Porno Gothic'' and you can find out more on her web site.
Andrea the stripper from Atlanta, Georgia came in this morning and Howard said she might be the stupidest girl they've had on the show. He didn't explain why he thought that at first though. He spoke to the 18 year old stripper for a few minutes first. Howard asked her if there's anything else she can do. She said she's not stripping right now and she wants to find something else to do. She had a baby voice which made her sound even younger than 18. She says she knows Howard from the E! show since they're not on the radio down there in Atlanta.
Andrea showed Howard her breast implants which her father bought for her! She said she told him she wasn't going to strip anymore to convince him to pay for them but then turned right around and went back to stripping. KC came in and said Andrea has made so much money stripping that she doesn't have to work. She said she can make $800 to $1000 a night stripping. She said she's tired of that right now so she's taking a break. Howard said Andrea was wearing a bra top and a mini skirt standing there in the studio.
Howard had a quick test for Andrea to see if she really is the stupidest girl. Andrea said she just needs to take a typing class to get her high school diploma. She said she's ordered the test but hasn't received it yet. Howard asked her a few questions and she could only answer one correctly... Here they are:
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Vinnie about his many various stunts that he's done over the years. Vinnie ended up doing a stunt for them where he lifted Jackie up by his pants just using his teeth. Vinnie said that was a new record for him. Before that he said the most he had lifted was 150 pounds.
Oh no not another speech impediment guy! This guy came in with a speech impediment that sounded kind of like a retard with a lisp. When he came in Howard said he was a big fat guy with a ''Santa Clause beard''. He said that he's a comedian but when Howard had him do some of his stand-up routine it wasn't really funny. The guy told a couple of unfunny jokes that made no sense. The guy says that he's 36 and he's never slept with a woman! Howard told him that if a woman called in for him they could go out.. no women called in for quite a while.. Then a sex therapist who helped Elephant Boy out a few years back called in. Maybe those two will hook up and have a little fun. While this guy was in Lou Ferrigno called in. Lou played The Incredible Hulk on the TV series back in the early 80's. Lou is hard of hearing so his speech pattern is a little shaky also. Lou was calling in to plug his new restaurant, Cartoon Saloon, down in Miami. The call had nothing to do with Speech Impediment Man. I don't even think Lou knew that Speech Impediment Man was there. I think Howard wanted to have dueling speech impediments on the show but Lou's wasn't nearly as bad as Speech Impediment Man's. I guess we'll hear more about this guy if he goes out with that sex therapist.
This guy Jeff contacted the show recently and requested to be vomited on by a woman. Howard found a woman willing to do that if she could win one of the PlayStation 2's that Howard had to give away. Jeff came in with his Psychologist Dr. Seth Farber who said he was there for support. He was also there to promote his book ''Madness, Heresy, and the Rumor of Angels : The Revolt Against the Mental Health System''. Howard spoke to Jeff for a couple of minutes and found out he used to be a garbage man. He was also a postal worker and now he's out on disability.. mental disability. He also told Howard that he's had this fetish since he was about 8 years old. He said he saw his 5 year old cousin puke at Thanksgiving dinner one time and he felt something come over him. Ever since then he's tried to find women to puke on him. He said it's hard to find women willing to do this. He went on and on about his fetish sounding more and more mental as he went on.
Howard brought in Tara who called in last week and told him that she'd be willing to do the puking. She just wanted one of these PlayStation 2 video game systems. She looked pretty good according to Howard. She was wearing leather pants and she had a nice body. Jeff read a bizarre poem to Tara about puking on him before she did it. He then got on the floor half naked while Tara stood over him. Gary refused to come in the studio because he was afraid he'd puke. Howard made him come in though. Tara tried a few times to make herself puke but it wasn't working. She took in some water and more food and eventually it all came up. She then proceeded to puke all over Jeff's body. Howard kept telling her to stop but she kept going. Howard said she must have covered 70% of his body with her puke. He said Jeff was aroused at one point and he just laid there on the floor with vomit all over him.
Gary said that he came very close to puking himself. He said his throat was raw from the vomit that rose up from his stomach. The whole thing just made him sick.
Howard told Tara that she won the PlayStation 2 courtesy of Buy.com. He took a couple of phone calls and let some people say what they felt about this guy. One guy said he was puking just hearing it on the radio.
Tara's boyfriend Glen was out in the green room complaining that he wasn't allowed in the studio to help Tara puke. Howard let him come in real quick just to say a few words. He said that he was the one who produced her for the show so he should have been let in. He said he also wanted to see the studio before Howard leaves. Everyone was grossed out by this point so Howard ended the segment and moved on.
Howard changed subjects and got this guy Will (Will the Farter) on the phone who can fart at will. He gave Howard and example and Howard was pretty impressed. He told Will that they'd book him for the show so he could come in and try to break the farting records they have. Will said that he once farted for a full 24 seconds on another radio station down in Baltimore. Howard wasn't sure he wanted to have him in since he was on another show. Will said that he would remain loyal to Howard if he gets on the show. Howard had him try to break his 24 second record but he could only manage 9 seconds. Will also told Howard that he's on the 98 Rock CD they put out. Howard said there's no loyalty in the world and ended up hanging up on the poor guy. Howard says that really sucks that he's on their CD.
One of the phone calls he took was from this guy Eric who was defending Kelly Clarkson from ''American Idol'' who Howard said wasn't all that attractive or something like that. Eric, a 3'5'' tall disabled dude, told Howard that he thinks she's pretty hot. Howard spoke to the guy for a couple of minutes and could tell there was something up with the guy. That's when he found out he's only 3'5'' tall. He spent a little while longer talking to him about Kelly and told him he should try to go after someone more realistic because there's not much chance that he'll get a Kelly Clarkson. Howard asked him about who he spanks his monkey to and eventually had to get off the phone because it was too depressing to talk to him. He gave him a $500 prize before letting him go.
Howard read a letter about Fred that someone had sent in. The writer told him about the speech impediment and that he was a 30 year old virgin. Howard wondered if he could get this guy laid. He wasn't sure he could. Howard told him he does kind of sound like Elephant Man. Robin told him he sounds like the guy in the ''Goonies'' movie.
Howard asked Fred if he thought that women think that he's retarded. Fred said that they do but he's really not retarded. Fred was saying a lot of stuff that Howard didn't understand so he had to ask him to repeat himself.
Howard got distracted by some kind of smell in the studio. He spent a minute on that and then got back to Fred.
Fred is still living at home so Howard talked to him about that. Howard had Fred repeating after him and saying things that all sounded the same to him. Howard told Fred that he was going to be his greatest challengeever trying to get him a date.
Howard set up Fred to come in and do a dial-a-date with them. He told Gary to frisk Fred when he comes in though. Howard found out that Fred has never kissed or had sex with a woman. He's never felt up a woman either. Howard asked him why he's never gone to a hooker. Fred said he hadn't and the reason was because you never know who she's been with before. That led to some laughter from the guys in the studio.
Howard also found out that Fred used to be in the special ed classes in school and had to ride the ''tard cart'' to school.
In the next segment, from December 2, 1988, we heard Fred in the studio for the first time. Howard said he wasn't such a bad looking guy. He tried to get a harmonizer on his voice so Fred could have a deeper voice. The harmonizer wasn't working though.
Howard said that Fred was no Mel Gibson but he wasn't that bad looking. He told Fred that he has a bunch of women calling in to date him already.
Robin told Howard that she has a friend who is really hot over him. Howard said he wanted to see what she looks like. Robin said she'd bring in a picture.
Howard brought in two women for Fred to meet. They were Jackie and Angel. Howard said that he had met Angel before and said that she was a little hefty. He said that she had a nice face though. She had a 44-D chest and Fred said that he was in dreamland when he saw them.
Howard introduced Jackie to Fred the Elephant Boy and said that she was wearing some motorcycle clothes. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the girls and then had the girls give Fred a bronsky. The girls took their shirts off and went over to Fred and gave him a double bronsky all over his face.
Howard asked the girls to rub some ice cream on their breasts and then let Fred lick it off. The girls were up for it so he asked what flavor Fred wanted. Fred picked a flavor and went for it.
Howard got into Fred's Dial-A-Date and started taking some calls from some women who wanted to go out with him. Howard spoke to each woman for Fred and figured that he was going to get him laid. He found 3 women to play and one of them was saying that she was in a relationship but she still wanted to go out with Fred to have a good time. She said that she was an older woman but she looks young. Howard asked her a bunch of questions and then got the second contestant, Celeste, on the line and went through that process again. Then again with contestant number 3. Fred ended up picking number 3 to go on the date with.
Howard talked to Ted about his job and how he hits on Robin all the time. Howard said that Ted is married but he still hits on Robin. That led to Howard talking about stories he's heard about all of the Janitors getting it on at work. They spent a few more minutes talking before they wrapped up.
Well, we've been duped again. Howard told us that he had an exclusive interview with David Letterman who just went through quintuple bypass surgery last week. Someone who does an amazing impression of Letterman called in and spoke to Howard. This guy called in last month and had us all fooled when he went off on Jay Leno and his lame act. This time ''Dave'' was complaining about his non-English speaking nurses. He said that the hospital is like ''the Alamo with stethoscopes'' and the nurses all stink of hot sauce and cheap perfume. He was also upset that Johnny Carson is healthy while he's lying in bed with his chest sliced open. ''Dave'' also made some racist comments about Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock when Howard asked if he'd let them guest host for him. He said that Jerry is ''too Jewish'' for his audience. After the call a listener called in and complained about the Letterman call. He was fooled and thought that Dave was really avoiding all of Howard's questions and making all of the racist comments. Howard didn't bother to tell the caller that it wasn't really Dave.
Richard Marx was a guest in the studio so Howard played the message for him. Daniel was throwing out the N-word and promoting some KKK rally that was happening in Gainesville, Florida. Howard and the guys were doing impressions of Daniel and goofing on him a little bit.
In the next segment, from April 16, 1992, we heard Gary come in and tell Howard that he had Daniel Carver on the phone if he wanted to talk to him on the air. Robin wondered why he'd want to talk to him. Howard said that they did have him on the phone so they might as well do it. Howard got him on the line a short time later.
Daniel told Howard about some of the stuff he sells and how he thinks that if Howard gave out his address, he'd get thousands of people mailing him and joining the KKK.
Howard and Daniel spent a few minutes going over some of the other people that Daniel isn't a fan of. Howard asked Daniel about one of his messages and why he ranks people where he does. They went through some other stuff before Howard wrapped up with Daniel.
This woman called in today who they call The Singing Psychic. She was involved in a car accident back in 1979. After the accident she was able to predict things in song. Howard had to talk to her. Fran has a very tiny sounding voice so it makes the whole thing even funnier. Howard would ask her to predict something like how his movie will do financially. The woman gives her answer but sings it. It's not really a song but she sings her damn answers! She predicted that Howard's movie will do well by the way. She was also asked about the O.J. Simpson trial and she sang that he will get off and not owe any money. She said that she doesn't think that O.J. killed Nicole either because Nicole came to her in a dream and told her that it was someone else. According to this woman Jackie will have one child, Fred's marriage will last and Robin will live the longest. Here's the order of deaths according to The Singing Psychic:
You may be wondering who the hell Dr. Remulak is. Well he's a guy who calls the radio station and just keeps repeating ''I am Dr. Remulak'' over and over again. The guy has been doing this for about 5 years. He's never tried to get on the air and the only reason he came on the air today was because Stuttering John convinced him to. Dr. Remulak usually gets Stuttering John on the phone when he calls in but sometimes he'll get one of the interns or Steve Grillo. He won't say anything except ''I am Dr. Remulak'' to them. The guy has been talking to Stuttering John a little bit so he found out that the guy has OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He has to do things a certain number of times before he can continue the rest of his day. He spent about 5 minutes on the phone with Howard but wouldn't speak directly to him. Stuttering John had to relay the questions from Howard. He slipped a couple of times and answered a couple of questions from Robin and Howard. Robin asked him what would happen if he didn't call the show and do this. He responded ''..big zits...'' and went on to his ''I am Dr. Remulak'' rant. He's not annoying, he just repeats himself constantly. Dr. Remulak said his thing a bunch of times real quick before hanging up so he could move on with his day. It was pretty damn funny.
Gary came in and said that he had video of that woman because a local news report once featured her right before Howard was on. He said that people were trying to kick her off the boardwalk and that's what the report was about.
After an edited out break we heard Howard making a call to this woman Celestine. He told her who he was and how they had read her story. He wondered how she picked up the phone. She said that she was able to pick it up with her mouth and then she lays it on the bed.
Howard told Celestine that she must be talented because he can't do much even though he's got two hands and two feet. That led to Howard asking her if she would play at his tennis tournament and if she would actually play tennis against Robin. Celestine said she could do that. He asked her to perform a little bit for them so she got her keyboard, with the help from someone else in her home.
Celestine played the keyboard with her tongue. She performed the National Anthem for Howard and he thought she wasn't bad at all. He said he couldn't even play that with his two hands. He was also wondering why no one could give her a job playing at a ball park or something.
Howard tried to play some stuff on a keyboard but Celestine told him that he wouldn't make a dime playing like he was. Howard said he would get back to Celestine when they had more information for her about this tennis thing. He let her go but waited to hear her hang up the phone. Fred played some sound effects of a guy tripping and falling as she was attempting to hang up.
Howard came back from break and said he was backed up with guests. He had Suzanne Somers and the guy who was going to fellate himself waiting to come in. He spent a short time talking about Cindy Crawford's TV show and how he thinks that she should just keep her mouth shut because she speaks in such a monotone.
Howard had Gary bring in Suzanne Somers so he could interview her. He checked her out and said her husband looks like hell but she looks great. He spent a couple of minutes talking to her husband and talked about this Buttmaster thing that Suzanne was selling. He told Suzanne they have a woman there who was willing to demonstrate the Buttmaster for them if they wanted to see that.
Howard asked Suzanne if she wanted to see the Buttmaster thing and also this guy who claims he can fellate himself. Howard had the woman come in to demonstrate the Buttmaster. He had her sit down and give it a try to see what exactly it does. As she was doing it the woman let out some queefs. Howard then said that this was Debbie the Queefer who makes sounds with her private parts. Howard told Suzanne that they weren't farts but queefs which were coming from her private parts. Alan said that was the Queefmaster.
Howard asked Debbie how she does that. Debbie said she's able to suck the air in by contracting her stomach muscles. She demonstrated it a little more for everyone. She even stood on her head and did some more queefing while standing on her head. She sucked in some air and blasted it out again. She blasted out a couple more before Howard let her go. Suzanne handed over one of her books for Debbie as she was leaving.
Howard got back to Suzanne and talked about her book sales and how they're doing (Suzanne Somers' Eat Great, Lose Weight). He also brought up her bed wetting and family life that he'd read about in her book. She talked about how she was able to stop herself from wetting the bed.
Howard told Suzanne he doesn't know how she can do an interview with Tom Snyder because he's such a bad interviewer. She told him about how she once wrote him a letter saying ''fuck you'' after he had said something nasty about her... So Howard had to hit the delay on her. Suzanne refused to do his show for a long time after he made that comment about her but she eventually went on and had a good time.
Howard told Suzanne he had to bring this guy in to fellate himself because he was running out of time. He told Suzanne about how the guy got booked for the show and how he claimed that he could fellate himself. Alan said if he could do that he would never get out of bed. The guy came in dressed in a disguise so no one would recognize him. He also came in with a Playboy magazine to help himself get aroused.
Howard asked the guy some questions about how he found out he could do this. The guy said he was about 12 when he figured it out. Howard said that his music isn't all that great but that's the whole reason he was there to do this. He wanted his CD to be played, that's it. Howard asked the guy if he has ever done a full completion of the act. Howard said he might be gay if he does that and did his cough ''haggot'' thing to the guy.
Howard spoke to this guy's band mate Marco who gave the guy's name as Leon. They spent a couple of minutes talking but Howard had to take a break before they could get to this guy fellating himself.
This is number 3 in a line of Intern Beauty Pageants. Howard decided about a year and a half ago to have a beauty pageant for his beautiful interns. This pageant is a little different. There are 3 women and one guy in this pageant. The judges are as follows: Slow Adam, Gary the Retard from Oregon, O.J. Mask (Neil), and Ralph. Gary the retard has called in many times on the show but today was his first time in the studio. Howard loves his retarded voice and now his toothless face. Slow Adam, who's not retarded, has been a judge in the past and does a nice job. This pageant was a little rushed this time. They usually take time giving scores for each category like sexy outfit, personality and talent. Today they rushed through each contestant and announced the winner after taking a break. Here's a quick rundown of each contestant:
Howard said that Wendy is going to be coming on the show sometime in the near future.
From November 2, 2005: After the break Howard said that they're going to have 50 Cent in next week to say goodbye to them. They spent a minute on that and then had Yucko the Clown come in. While he was waiting for him to come in he mentioned that he was wrong about the Las Vegas affiliate dropping them. He said it's not Friday but next Monday. He also said that WBCN is not dropping them.
When Yucko came in Howard quickly mentioned that Yucko's show ''Stankervision'' was canceled by MTV2. Yucko was saying that there are certain people who get shows on those networks who don't deserve them. Yucko said that guy Andy Milinokis is a 29 year old who acts like a 14 year old and he just sucks. Yucko thought that Stankervision got pretty good ratings and deserved to be picked up but MTV2 didn't see it that way. Now Yucko is back to doing comedy shows. He'll be appearing at Carolines on Broadway this weekend.
Howard played a phone call that Daniel Carver, Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard had where they talked about the death of Rosa Parks. Howard was showing how racist Gary comes off when he's talking to Daniel Carver because he uses the N-word no problem. Howard said he's got to give the three of them their own show on Howard 100. Wendy the Retard doesn't get sucked into that racist stuff as easy as Gary the Retard does. Yucko took that a step further and called Gary the Retard as a black man and had him cursing him out about the whole N-word thing. Gary hung up on him once so Yucko called him back as Daniel Carver and tortured him a little more. Gary hates Yucko and told him to get off his god damn phone and leave him alone. Howard played another prank call that Yucko made where he did an impression of High Pitch Eric and pretended to get a little gay with him. Gary told him he wasn't going to have sex with him and called him a ''god damm faggot'' before he hung up on him. Yucko called him back and asked if he could smell his balls and then broke in with his clown horn. Gary ended up calling him an Nig*** clown and hung up on him again.
Captain Janks called in and said that he loved the song that Yucko performed when he was trying out for Stuttering John's job. Janks also said some nice things about Yucko's ''Stankervision'' show and how great he thought it was. Howard went on to play the song that Janks mentioned. In the song Yucko sang about each of the guys on the show and goofed on each of them. Howard said he had forgotten about the song and how brutal it was. Howard said he finds Yucko funny but it's very racially offensive stuff. He asked him if he's racist and Yucko said he hates everyone. Yucko said that he was just trying to get the job back then so he was doing whatever he could. After hearing the song Howard said he might have to rethink the World's Meanest Listener contest because Yucko lost out to Rev. Bob Levy in that contest. Howard thinks that Yucko might actually be the meanest.
Howard gave Yucko a plug for his upcoming gigs that he has at Carolines and a couple of other places. Yucko then said goodbye to Tom Chiusano since he wasn't going to be seeing him anymore. He went off on Tom and called him a bunch of names. He said he can't wait until Howard moves to the new place where he'll be able to say anything he wants. Howard told Yucko that Tom isn't the enemy, he's just the guy who has to hit the button. Tom came in and said he couldn't have been nicer to Yucko this morning and couldn't believe he was going off on him. Howard was going to let Yucko go but they ended up talking about Stankervision a little more. Howard told Yucko that he was the strongest thing on the show and he should be out doing his own thing instead of doing the show the way they did. Artie told Yucko that he really didn't like the guy on that show who looked just like him but without the makeup on. Howard wrapped up and went to commercial break after that. Check YuckoTheClown.com for more comedy show information.
This guy called in this morning for some reason. Howard said that the guy stands outside of the radio station telling him that he can do interviews and stuff like that. The guy is 6'1'' tall and weighs 275 pounds but his voice sounds like Mickey Mouse. It sounds like he's doing a fake voice but he's not. He kind of sounds like he's doing a Jackie The Joke Man impression. Howard invited him down to the studio. Maybe we have another Wack Pack member here. He came in about 8:25. He said he's never gotten laid. Howard said that he's not that bad looking, it's just his voice that must freak women out. He could have had his voice fixed with an operation but he'd have to be awake for the surgery. He was at some appearance that Gary was making and Gary thought the guy was retarded at first. Today he's more normal according to Gary. Howard took a couple of phone calls from women who were willing to date him. Eventually they found a wacky woman by the name of Pipi. She says she used to be a slut but she's not anymore. She's 5'3'' tall, 110 pounds with a 36 DD chest. The two of them will go out on a date and have it taped. They'll be back on at a future date. Before he left he tried inhaling helium to see if his voice would change...it didn't the first time but after they told him how to do it correctly it changed slightly. Rosie Perez came in so he left.
Doug came in for a visit with his friend Dave. Howard said that the two of them have been together for a long time. Dave said that Doug is about 3'5'' tall and not the 4 feet he was claiming. Howard asked Doug if that's really how tall he was and Doug said that he approaches that height.
Howard said that Doug is the first guy to yell at Jerry Lewis for not finding a cure for Muscular Dystrophy. Dave said that Doug was outside the Damn Yankees play that Jerry was appearing in and telling people not to buy tickets. He said that people were actually turning away and not buying tickets because of that.
Dave told a story about Doug drinking too much on the flight out there and he wasn't able to wake him up. He said that he and Doug had been fighting over a girl lately so they he's threatened to leave him behind. Dave said he never expected to be doing this for a living.
Howard told Doug to tell the story about how he wasn't able to get to the bathroom to urinate so Dave had to take his bag back there and ended up falling over and spilling the urine on some stewardesses.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Doug and Dave about what their lives are like. They used to work with Sam Kinison so the shared some stories about that. Dave said that Doug used to do a comedy act too. They told some stories about that.
Howard came up with the idea to put Doug in a steamer trunk and to put him out on the street and have him trying to get people on the street to help him out. The guys took Doug down there and put him in the trunk so they could have some fun with that. They set him up so he could still hear Howard talking to him.
The guys eventually had Doug yelling out to people to help him out. Gary would give him a heads up so he'd know which people to ask to help him out. Most of the people were ignoring him. A family eventually walked by and opened up the trunk to see what was inside. They were from Switzerland so they didn't speak any English.
Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about what that scene must have been like. Gary came back up and told Howard what was going on down there.
Doug and Dave came back up and talked about what was going on down on the street. The cops showed up as they were heading back up to the studio. Dave said they wanted to keep the steamer trunk so they could bring it back to L.A. with them. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later.
Howard came back from break and played a Wendy the Retard song parody and a Daniel Carver song parody to get everyone in the mood for the Wack Pack Family Feud. Howard then started the game and said that there's actually a $10,000 prize for the winning family. Earlier he'd said it was only $5,000. He went on to introduce Wendy's mother Joyce and her sister Becca. Howard spent a few seconds speaking to each of the family members. Howard heard some noise coming from somewhere and found out it was actually Wendy's radio which she was using to record the show. Howard found out that Becca is 18 years old and works at McDonalds doing just about every job there. She said that she has dealt with some really rude customers and that tends to ruin her work day. Wendy likes that because she gets half off at the restaurant. Becca said that her sister gets to be kind of annoying sometimes.
Howard moved on to Daniel Carver's family after that. He said hello to Daniel's wife Darlene who has been married to him for 37 years now. Howard then spoke to Daniel Carver Jr., Daniel's son. Daniel Jr. Has a son so there are three Daniels in the family. Gary asked Daniel if he has been dying his hair lately because it looked kind of dark. Daniel said that's not the case and he's not dying it. Gary also said that Daniel is very confident that they will win this game today since they are up against one retarded woman and her family. Daniel Jr. Has a lot of hate, just like his father. He called himself ''nig*** hater, agitator number 2'' just like his father is. Howard wondered if there were any years when Jr. rebelled against his father and actually liked black people. Daniel and Jr. Said that they both watch black comedians and make fun of them so they have watched ''The Jeffersons'' and shows like that over the years. Darlene said that they've raised their kids to stick with their own race and to never stray from that. Jr. Said that if they have a black mail delivery person, they have to stay at the end of the driveway and not come up to the house. Gary asked the family what they would do if their house caught fire and a black fireman showed up first. They all said that they'd rather let it burn. Howard asked the family what they think about the hurricane disaster. Daniel and his family seem to think that it was God cleaning up New Orleans. Jr. was even more hateful and said that if God liked the blacks down there, he would have gotten them their help sooner than 3 days after the disaster.
Scott DePace called in and asked Daniel if he would save Robin if she was drowning. Daniel said he would save anything from drowning, a dog, Robin, whatever. Darlene said that she would let her drown but Jr. Said that he would drag her out and keep dragging her along the pavement for a little while. Howard said it was interesting that Daniel Sr. Seems to be more compassionate than the rest of his family. Darlene said that she's so hateful that she wouldn't even let Robin save her if she was on fire. The guys think that Daniel has a bit of a soft spot for Robin since he's gotten to know her over the years. Darlene said that he's just waiting for her to get old enough to die.
Wendy told Howard that they have another hurricane in the Florida area this week and she's hoping that they don't have to cancel her Olympics this weekend. Howard cut her off and asked Darlene to rate the races for him since they do that with Daniel. She said that she finds the nig***s to be worse than the Jews but Daniel thinks that the Jew is the Devil so they're even lower than the nig***. Jr. was saying that he finds the darker the skin, the worse they are so the Jews rate lower on his list.
Howard was going to move on to the game but Wendy wanted to get in a plug for someone she met on the street yesterday. Howard told her they were playing the game and he wasn't going there. He had Wendy and Daniel go up to the buzzers so they could get started. The first category was ''What's the worst thing to call a Jew?'' Daniel came in with the buzz first so he said ''Kike'' and got the number one answer. The Carvers decided to play. Darlene said ''Devil'' as the next name but it wasn't on the board. Daniel Jr. Said ''a Christ Killer'' but that wasn't on the board either. Daniel was up again and said ''Jew Boy'' which wasn't on the board so Wendy's family took over. Wendy blurted out ''Fag.'' The family came up with ''Jew Bastard'' but that wasn't on the board. The Carver family kept the points. Howard read the rest of the names on the list and they were ''Hebe,'' ''Dirty Jew'' and ''Cheap.''
The second category was ''Name an occupation a retarded person can do.'' It was Joyce and Darlene up at the buzzer and Joyce came in with Grocery Bagger but Darlene said ''McDonalds'' and got ''fast food employee'' which was the number 1 answer. The Carvers took it and played for the win. Daniel Jr. was asked for another answer. He said it was tough to come up with something like that. He said ''Special Olympics.'' That wasn't on the board. Daniel Sr. was up next and said ''Door Greeter'' and got it. They went to Darlene again and she said ''Window washer'' but it wasn't on the board. Daniel Jr. Said ''Janitor'' and got another one right. Daniel Sr. was up and said ''Movie Star'' and got the third wrong answer so they threw it over to Wendy's family. Wendy said ''Bowl'' and her family couldn't come up with the correct answer so they lost the points again. It turned out ''Bus Boy'' was the final answer on the board.
The third category was ''Name a black person that acts white.'' Becca and Daniel Jr. were up at the buzzer and Daniel came in with Jesse Jackson but didn't get it. Becca said ''Michael Jackson'' who also wasn't up there. Daniel said ''Bill Cosby'' and didn't get that either. Becca didn't have another answer so they had to go to another question. Howard said the names on the list were Bryant Gumble, Colin Powell, Denzel Washington, Oprah Winfrey, Al Roker and Wayne Brady.
Howard moved on to another question which was ''What's the worst thing to call a black person?'' Daniel Jr. Said ''Nig***'' which was the number one answer. They took the category and decided to play. Dan Sr. Said ''Boy'' and got another one. Darlene said ''Black'' and missed one! Dan Jr. Said ''Coon'' and got another one right. Dan Sr. Said ''Porch Monkey'' and got another one right. Darlene went again and said ''Bubble Lip'' and missed another one. Junior said ''Jigaboo'' and missed another one. Wendy's family got the chance to take it but they don't have as much hate in them so they couldn't come up with anything other than ''Fag'' which came from Wendy. They gave an answer of ''Dog'' but that wasn't even close. The Carver family took it all. The answers they were looking for were ''Jungle Bunny'' and ''Eggplant.'' Howard was kind of sad because he was looking for Wendy's family to take home some money. The $10,000 prize was courtesy of the movie ''The Man'' and when Daniel Jr. Heard that, he thanked Samuel L. Jackson for the contribution to the Ku Klux Klan since Jackson is in the movie. Gary asked Daniel Jr. what he thinks about gay people. He said that it's the worst thing humans can do and he would prefer not to be in the same room with a gay person. They were asking about that because Mark Harris had come in and was pacing the halls just waiting to blast these people. Howard gave Wendy's family some prizes but nothing close to the ten grand they missed out on.
The guys brought in Mark Harris who is a gay man himself. He came in and said some things about the family that could be a bit libelous. The Carvers said that being gay is illegal because sodomy is illegal. Junior was going off on Mark about being gay and said that he would open up a 55 gallon drum of whoop ass on any gay guy that came on to him. The Carvers and Mark went back and forth arguing about whether or not being gay was okay or not. Howard asked Daniel if he would take a kiss from Mark Harris if they promised to get rid of all of the people they hate after the kiss. Daniel's wife said she would kill her husband if he did something like that.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls and one woman asked why they keep letting the Carver family win money on the show. Artie lost a football pool to Daniel and Daniel took home $25,000 thanks to that loss. Now he's taking home another ten thousand today. Howard was about to go to break but Wendy and her sister were giving shout outs to everyone they know and giving plugs for some guys they ran into on the street. After spending a few minutes doing that they wrapped up and went to commercial break.
Today's special was over around 1:30pm.
This guy was amazing. He believes his own stories so much that he almost convinced me that aliens are living among us. This guy, Riley, called in recently babbling on and on about aliens and UFO's. Howard was interested in seeing this guy so he invited him down to the studio. What a great idea... Riley came in and didn't shut up for about a half an hour! He was like the Energizer Bunny of wacko's. He just kept talking and talking and talking. But it was really entertaining.
The way he talked was mesmerizing. Everything he said sounded almost legitimate. But when you find out that he's written a book about his experiences with these aliens you can see that he's just a good story teller. The book, The Coming of Tan, is available at Riley's web site.
Riley's last name just happens to be Martin...very close to Martian...hmmmm. Riley says that the aliens came here 42,000 years ago and mated with humans. Apparently there are millions of alien descendants walking this planet we call Earth...according to Riley of course.
Riley also says that the aliens are going to come here in 15 years to save any humans that want to be saved from our dying planet. He said that it's up to each individual whether or not they go with the aliens.
Riley claims that NASA and the Japanese have come to Riley about his book. These aliens are from the planet Biavi (bee ah' vee) and they are known as Biavians by Riley. Riley went in to details about their propulsion system and how far away the planet is etc etc. What an imagination this guy has.
In 1964 Riley had sex with one of these aliens and he's got about 6 alien children...wow. Riley has a few followers also. Two of them were with him at the studio along with the publisher of his book. If you want to see what one of these Biavians looks like just get the latest issue of Penthouse Magazine. Penthouse has photos of aliens in it and Riley said that they are Biavian! Very interesting!
Here's the segment from February 12, 2002 from my archives:
Wacky Alien Abductee Riley Martin called in to talk to Howard about his latest abduction. Howard first spoke to Riley about the Artie whore situation and asked him what he would have done. Riley said he would have charged the whore instead of the other way around.
Howard then got to Riley's latest story. He claims that he spoke to the aliens last year and they gave him clues to the September 11th disaster. He now claims that they're telling him that more terrorist attacks may take place on the east coast. He warned Canadians to guard their power stations because they may be attacked to cut off power to the east coast.
Riley is also giving away tickets to the mother ship that is by Saturn right now. You can find out more about that at his web site TheComingOfTan.com. You can also find out about his book ''The Coming of Tan;'' on the site.
Howard told Riley that he has a talking bagel, cinnamon-raisin, that told him that there will be Armageddon in 2004. He claims that the bagel only talks to him and won't talk to anyone else. Of course Riley is too smart to believe that.
Howard took some phone calls for Riley and one of them was from one of these aliens that Riley talks about. The caller, using a voice synthesizer, told Howard that Riley was just a ''dumb nig*er'' who didn't know what he was talking about. It turned out to be Sal the Stockbroker. Another caller told Howard that the alien wasn't real and you can get one of those voice synthesizers at Radio Shack. The guy seemed to think that Howard actually thought it was a real alien.
After getting off the phone Howard and the guys goofed on Riley a little bit. Howard said the guy's got an interesting rap but it's just crazy.
This 7'4'' guy came in today with his giant 29 1/2 size feet leading the way. Matthew McGrory has the largest foot according to the Guinness Book Of World Records. Matt is 7'4'' tall and weighs 310 pounds. His voice is deeper than any voice I've ever heard. Gary put it best when he said the guy sounds like Howard when he uses the harmonizer to do the really deep voice he does. Howard interviewed the guy about his sex life and all that good stuff. Then the guy took his shoe off and showed Howard his bare foot. Howard was amazed by the size of it. He even put his size 13 up next to it for comparison. Matthew said he didn't stop growing until he was 19 years old. At age 16 he was about 6'7''. Matthew is a bouncer at some bar. I'm sure there aren't too many people that argue with a 7'4'' 310 pound guy. Matthew said that he's met Sandy Allen the worlds tallest woman. Howard asked him if he was attracted to her. She's a little old for 23 year old Matthew so they won't be hooking up anytime soon. Howard tried giving Matthew some career advice. He told him that he should go into the circus or into show business somehow. Matthew is in Law school right now. No show business for him. Just before Matthew left the show Howard had his next guest come into the studio... Marty the Midget! Marty is like 4 feet tall so it must have been quite a site when the two of them were standing next to each other. It should make for an interesting E! show.
This wacky 75 year old grandmother came in this morning to rap for Howard. She came in and was giving Howard some sexy looks that freaked him out. She told Howard that she was in his movie ''Private Parts'' during the puppet show scene. Howard spent a little while discussing sex with the old lady. She said that she hasn't had sex in about 10 years because she's just not interested in it anymore. She has a few boyfriends but doesn't give them any. She finally got around to doing her rap song ''Fruity Nutcake Rapping Granny'' for Howard. There was music playing but she wasn't exactly singing along with it. It was more like a poetry reading than a song. At one point during the song she sang that she wears Depends undergarments. Howard interrupted her and asked her about that. She said it's true and it's just something that happens at that age. She also did some reading of a song about Howard and the crew. That was pretty entertaining. If you want to find out more about the old bag just head to www.fruitynutcake.com or call 800-655-4321. You can also try www.comedy.com/rappinggranny.
This guy Frank the dwarf was on the show back in December with his manager Sean. They do dwarf tossing for bachelor parties. Frank was going to come in shave his girlfriend's head but it didn't work out that way. When they came in the girlfriend was really upset and crying about something. Howard brought them in to the studio to find out what the deal was.
Frank and Sean came in with a black dwarf whose nickname is Beetlejuice. They call him that because his head is so small and he looks like a character from the movie ''Beetlejuice.'' Howard spoke to Beetlejuice a little bit and wondered what was going on there. He said he didn't want to spent the whole show on this. He said Beetlejuice has a tiny head but Beetlejuice said he thinks it's large. Frank explained where the name came from but Howard but him off and said he was obviously drunk. Howard explained who Frank was an dhow he had been on the show before.
Sean said they found Beetlejuice in the neighborhood by where he lives. Beetlejuice told Howard that he's actually the tallest in the family. He has some brothers and sisters and he claims to be taller than all of them. Beetlejuice claimed that his parents weren't dwarves but the rest of his family was, but then contradicted himself and said that he was the only one. Howard said the headphones looked like they were going to crush Beetlejuice's head like a walnut.
Howard got Frank's girlfriend Patty in the studio to find out what was going on with her and Frank today. Patty is an ex-stripper who has been going out with Frank the dwarf for 2 and a half months. She said that she was crying this morning because Frank had cheated on her... again. She said that this is about the 5th time he's done that and she was upset. Howard was amazed that Frank can get laid that much being a dwarf. Frank denied that he's cheated on her. Howard had the two of them kiss and make up but it didn't seem to help much.
Benjy came in at one point and told Patty that he'd treat her right if she went out with him. She said she might be interested and within a few minutes she agreed to go out with him. Frank got pissed and said that Benjy wasn't going to touch his woman. Benjy said he'd fight Frank for her. Patty told Frank it was over and then admitted she once slept with a bouncer after finding out that Frank cheated on her. That pissed off Frank even more.
KC said he's never seen Jackie so amused by something. Jackie said there was a lot to figure out there. Howard had to end all of the fun so he had Sean give his plug out. You can see pictures of the dwarfs at JollyDwarf.com.
Howard was going to go to break but ended up listening to Type O Negative covering the song ''Cinnamon Girl.'' He said he loved the cover and said he could tell he was going to be addicted to it. They went to break a short time later.
The next segment was from May 5, 2005. From my archives:
Howard had the guys bring in Beetlejuice (JollyDwarf.com). He was apparently in a foul mood this morning. He didn't like them talking about his diaper earlier in the morning. Gary came in and said that Beet was in a really bad mood and didn't want to come in. He had a really bad look on his face when he walked in. Howard tried to talk to the guy but he didn't have much to say. Howard asked Beet what was wrong. Beetlejuice said he didn't care about what anyone was saying about him. Howard figured he was upset about the whole diaper thing and the fact that Sal brought it up. Howard asked Sal to come in and apologize for that whole thing. Sal came in dressed like Beetlejuice. He apologized to Beetlejuice and said that he's a legend and a star and he will never bring up that diaper thing again. Beetlejuice said that he'll let him slide on that. Sal told Beetle that he was dressed up as ''Sal Juice'' or ''Prune Juice'' this morning.
Howard told Beetlejuice that if he's ever in a bad mood, he doesn't have to come in if he doesn't want. Sal asked him if his diaper was too tight. Beetlejuice said he wasn't wearing a diaper today after Howard asked him to show them if he was. Howard asked Beet if he enjoyed his trip to Hollywood with Sal and the guys. Beet didn't care about any of that stuff. He didn't know about the upcoming appearance he had today either. Howard asked Beetlejuice about this idea he has for the Wack Packers where they'd all go in a room and pick a leader just like the Catholic Church did for the Pope. The Wack Packers would be picking a ''Dope'' instead.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about this upcoming Beetle Bash fight he has coming up. Beet said it's all fake and he won't get hurt during it. He'll be at the John Street Grill today from 11 to 1 and then he'll be there again when he does the Beetle Bash thing on May 14th. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he thinks Beet was mad at the E! camera. He shut down when the camera came into the green room when he was talking to Bob Levy. Doug also said that Beet has hemorrhoids. Beet said he didn't have them and he was just joking around about it with Doug earlier.
Howard took a call from someone who had clips of Beetlejuice that they played to create a conversation with the live Beetlejuice. Beet didn't think it sounded like him at all even though they were clips of his voice. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Beet to cheer up. She said she'll be singing the Star Spangled Banner at the Beetle Bash when that happens. Howard hung up on her before she could sing anything today. Howard said he heard that Beet's birthday is on ''May 34th.'' Beet said that's true and he was born in 1936. Howard took another call from a guy (Zolar) who was pretending to be a gay guy, Phil the Fag, and claimed that he was with him last night. Beet said the guy must be out of his mind and ended up cursing at him so Howard had to hang up on the guy.
Howard told Beetlejuice that he had a good appearance today and asked him if he wanted to meet Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert came in a few seconds later even though Beetlejuice said that he didn't care about meeting him. Gilbert asked Beet if he had seen him in ''Problem Child'' or ''Problem Child 2.'' Beet said he didn't see them and he never would. He didn't seem interested in seeing any of Gilbert's projects. Howard told Beet that Gilbert worked with Eddie Murphy but Beet didn't care about that either. Howard had Gilbert do his Afflack Duck impression for Beetlejuice but he didn't care about that either. Howard wondered why Beet didn't like Gilbert because he doesn't like him either. Howard said there's something about Gilbert that people just don't like. Howard said that Gilbert should have been a big star by now but there's something about him that has kept him from that. Howard wondered if it was Gilbert's ''Julius Caesar'' hair cut. Robin asked Beetlejuice if he'll even shake Gilbert's hand when he leaves. Beet said ''No way!'' Gilbert tried to convince Beetlejuice to like him by talking about the movies he's been in and by telling some jokes. Nothing worked. Gilbert told a joke and Beetlejuice said that it was a stupid joke. Nothing was working.
Howard asked Gilbert to do some impressions. He did a couple of impressions including his classic Dracula impression. Beetlejuice still didn't care about him or anything he had to say. Gilbert also did an impression of a guy who played Dr. Frankenstein. Howard asked Beetlejuice what he thought about that, he still didn't care. Howard said that he had his wife Katiejuice on the phone. He picked up the line and it was Zolar doing his female voice. He broke into his deep voice after doing the female voice for a minute. Howard wrapped up with Beetlejuice after that. He gave him another plug for his upcoming Beetle Bash. Gilbert also gave Beetlejuice a joke he can use... it went something like this. ''How do you keep a black man from cashing his welfare checks? ... Hide them in his work shoes.'' Beetlejuice didn't appreciate the free joke so Gilbert gave him one more. ''Did you hear 500 Puerto Ricans died? Their bed collapsed.'' Beetlejuice just kept saying ''Good for you'' over and over again as Gilbert was telling jokes and doing impressions. Gilbert did his impression of Groucho Marx when he was in his older years. Beet said it just wasn't working for him though. Gilbert went through about 5 more impressions but nothing was getting through to Beetlejuice. He did his Andrew Dice Clay, Robin Williams, Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld but Beet's attitude wasn't changing. He just sat there saying ''Good for you.'' Gilbert did his Jackie Mason impression while Beetlejuice was breathing heavy into the microphone. Howard said Gilbert is used to people not liking him. He had to wrap up but Gilbert wouldn't stop with his impressions.
Beetlejuice took off his headphones and started to walk out of the studio. Howard called him back and said he wanted to do a plug for him. You could hear Beet yelling at Gary as he was trying to get out of the studio. Howard said he's never seen Beetlejuice try to run out of there like that before. Howard gave him a couple of plugs and asked Beet to shake Gilbert's hand. Beetle refused to do it and ran out of the studio. Howard wondered why Beetlejuice hated Gilbert so much. He said it's kind of like going to someone's house and their dog doesn't like you. Howard gave Gilbert a plug for a comedy club appearance he has on Monday at the Gotham Comedy Club and a plug for his web site GilbertGottfried.com. The site is new so Howard wondered what he's done for the site so far. Gilbert had no idea what was on it because he had nothing to do with it. Howard took a break before they got to Robin's news.
This guy has called the show many times before. He's slightly handicapped with seizures. If you listen to the show you've probably heard his famous ''I am not mental'' sound bite. He came in this morning and Howard had a little surprise for him. Since Adam hasn't had a naked woman in front of him in his 23 year existence Howard had a Scores girl come in to strip for him. Adam showed up at the studio with his mom and dad. His mom and dad came in with him but Howard got them to leave before Marina the Scores girl came in. Marina came in and took her clothes off for Adam and he sounded pretty thrilled. She sat on his lap and took off her top for him. He sounded amazed by her beautiful breasts. She wouldn't let him touch her though. Look but don't touch. All of this happened with his parents 2 doors away in the green room. He probably had to yank himself in the bathroom after all of this.
Gary came in and told Howard he had a strange woman show up there. Howard had him bring her in a short time later. The woman, Croy, was acting very odd and Howard picked up on that immediately. Croy came in and told him some strange things about her life. She said that her real name is Theresa but she prefers to be called Croy.
Croy said that her kids are with the government because they were taken away from her. She said that she isn't with a husband and if she has financial security, she can get the kids back. Croy claimed that she ''architechted'' for Mohammed Ali and Ronald Reagan.
Croy liked Howard's sunglasses so she pointed them out. She claimed that she saw some picture of his wife and kids at the library and told him about that. She claimed that she had never been institutionalized when Howard asked her about that.
Howard spent a little time talking to Croy about her kids being taken from her. She said they weren't taken from her because of her mental status. She said that they were taken because she was collecting welfare. She claims that they were with a ''Japanese and Negro family'' now.
Croy threw out a few more wacky comments before Howard wrapped up with her and sent her on her way. Howard told Gary to get her number so they could have her back in. She threw out a few more odd comments as she was saying goodbye.
Jackie said that her breasts looked like pancake batter and laughed his ass off as he was describing them. Howard had to go to break after that.
In the clip Howard had Kenneth come in to demonstrate some of his wacky stunts. Kenneth claimed to be able to blow smoke through his eye so Howard asked him how he does it and asked him to demonstrate it. Ken took a minute to get to it but eventually inhaled some cigarette smoke and attempted to blow it out his eye. He tried but then told them to ''Ho'd on, ho'd on!'' and tried again. He claimed that he had done it but no one saw anything. Ken was tearing up so Robin figured the smoke just turned to tears. Everyone laughed at Ken when he tried to do the stunt.
Howard asked Ken what he does for a living and he was delivering mail at the time. Ken blew his nose and tried again to blow the smoke out his eye. Howard wrapped up with him and told him to come back and try again sometime.
In another clip from the channel 9 show from August 11, 1990, Howard had Kenneth Keith back on the show to try and blow smoke out his eye. Howard had Ken come in and pointed out the hair line on his head being kind of far down on his face.
Ken stood up and farted for the guys. Then Ken had a funnel that he wanted to use before he did his stunt. Ken explained what he was going to do and had the guys laughing at almost every word he was saying. Ken tried to do the smoke thing again but he just ended up coughing and then threw up. They showed the replay and Howard said it looked like Ken was going to pass out when he did it. Ken told Howard he wanted to come over and hang out at his house. Howard said he can't do that. He ended the segment a short time later.
Next up was segment from the radio show, from July 26, 1994. In the clip Howard was talking to Ken and his mother. Howard asked Ken's mother if she knew about the smoke coming out of his eye. She said she had heard about it but had never actually seen it herself. Howard asked her if she had ever been thrown up on. She said she had never had anything like that happen to her.
Howard asked Ken if she had any other kids. She said that Ken her only and he was enough. She said that he was a beautiful little baby and that was plenty for her. Howard figured she looked at him and just figured it was ''quittin' time.'' Howard said that Ken's mother is pretty normal compared to Ken. He asked Ken if he's ever been tested to see how smart he is. Ken said he hasn't but he thinks he's above normal.
Howard asked Mrs. Kallenbach if she ever had him tested. She said she never did. Ken said that he wouldn't ever want to do that. Mrs. Kallenbach said that she and her husband were always proud of Ken.
Howard said that Ken acts a little dopey and his father would never let him do that without talking to him to get him in line. Mrs. Kallenbach said that they do tell him that he acts weird. She said that he doesn't live at home now and he was living with his girlfriend. Howard asked her if she had heard anything about his sex life. She said she never did.
Howard had Ken talk about his sex life and how bad it actually was. Ken told her some of the details but wouldn't even look at his mother as he was saying it. Howard said there was a problem there and wondered what was up with that.
Howard asked Ken about the girlfriend and found out that he's going to see how it goes for a while. Ken said that some people told him not to rush into anything with her. Mrs. Kallenbach said that she's a lovely girl and she hopes that he can work things out with her and maybe marry her some day. She said that she didn't want him to rush into anything though.
Steve Grillo came in and said that he heard that Ken went to a sex club. Ken said that it was a phony club and it wasn't that big of a deal. He said that it was just a club where people take their clothes off before they go in. Ken said that she wanted to leave as soon as they got there.
Howard played an audition tape that Ken made for the station they work on. He was trying to get a job there. Gary showed him the resume he sent and it had Howard's name all over it. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Ken and his mother. They wrapped up a short time later.
Early this morning when the crew were coming in to the building they noticed a drunk midget saying that he was going to be on the show. Of course a midget is welcome anytime on the show so he was ushered on. Hank, who doesn't like to be called a midget, came in really drunk and angry. Hank said that calling midgets 'midgets' is like calling them 'nig*ers'. So Hank prefers to be called a dwarf...please remember that! So anyway the little midget was barely able to speak. Howard was loving it. Hank said that he hates Jews, Catholics, Blacks and Cops. Howard hung with Hank for a while and Hank even ended up showing Howard the size of his penis. Howard was curious so he asked him to pull it out. Hank didn't even hesitate to pull down his pants and yank it out. Howard was pretty surprised. Hank said that he's been drinking since he was 8 years old! I don't think that he's stopped since! He was sloshed. At one point a black woman called in and said that she'd like to go out with this little man even though he hates all these people. She said that she likes people that hate other people and she's really curious to go out with him. Howard invited her down and off she went. Later in the show she came down to the studio. Howard said that Ralph brought in a Superman costume for Hank to wear. When Hank came into the studio he wasn't wearing the costume. Howard asked Ralph why he wasn't wearing it. Ralph said that he didn't want to go back and ask the dwarf if he wanted to wear a costume. Howard called Ralph a freak and a retard and kicked him out of the studio. Howard also said that Ralph no longer does his hair...I did not know that. So this woman, D(ebra). Ann, came in and Howard said that she was really cute! As soon as she walked in Hank had his hand on her ass! She says that she's a psychology major and she just wanted to meet this angry little man. D. Ann said that her 8 year old daughter wants to beat up Hank. Hank asked why and D. Ann said ''because she doesn't like midgets...''. Gary came in and said that the plan for these two was a carriage ride around Central Park and maybe lunch if D. Ann sticks around. So the two of them left the studio. When Howard and Robin started the news with Gilbert Gottfried, Howard asked Gilbert if he wanted to see Hank in his Superman Costume. Of course Gilbert couldn't refuse so in came Superman. Hank was going to be wearing the costume for his carriage ride. What a site that must have been. Even later in the show Gary came in and said that Hank was running around the station in his costume, barefoot, like a little kid. This should make some good E! shows...
From my archive of August 5, 1999:
Hank the dwarf made his return to the Stern show this morning. He's been resting since suffering a couple of seizures while doing an appearance in San Jose, California a couple months back. He had the seizures because he wasn't able to drink his usual amount of alcohol that day. Today he came in and both Howard and Robin said he looked better than he has in the past. He's back to drinking again though. He'd stopped for a couple of weeks but it didn't last long. He was carrying his green 7-Up bottle full of vodka this morning. He told Howard he started drinking at 6:30 this morning. Hank said that the drugs they gave him in the hospital made him feel like he was on acid so he just started drinking again. Howard had video of Hank's seizure that he played but there wasn't much to see. At one point in the tape there's someone who looks like a doctor over him. It turns out that it was Crackhead Bob. Howard asked Hank if he saw God when he almost died. Hank said he doesn't believe in God, he believes in Budweiser. Howie Mandel was waiting in the green room to come on so Howard had him come in while Hank was still there.
Howie had already met Hank out in the green room earlier in the morning. Hank is a big fan of Howie's and tried to shake his hand. Howie is very germ-phobic so he refused the hand shake because Hank isn't the cleanest looking person. Howie had a daytime TV show that just recently got canceled so Howard spent most of the interview talking about that. Howard said that one reason the show may have failed was the fact that Howie isn't ''..a big fat broad'' like Rosie O'Donnell, Roseanne, Oprah, Mother Love, Rikki Lake or Maurey Povich... That's right, Maurey. Robin said that Howie appeared uncomfortable doing the show and that may have had something to do with it. Howie said he kind of knew things weren't going well with the ratings. They tried changing his set around but that didn't help it out. The day he was fired was ''Bring Your Daughter to Work Day'' and his daughter was in his office when he got the bad news. Howie said that next year he'll be bringing his daughter to ''Look For Work Day.'' Howie said he did everything that the Paramount people told him to do like get rid of his facial hair and earrings. Phone callers told Howie that he was too nice on his show. He needed to be more like he is when he does his stand-up comedy. Howard told Howie that Hank had more plugs than he did so perhaps he was bringing him down. Hank was defending Howie when Howard would take negative phone calls. Hank was on a roll yelling at some of the guys telling them how their mothers are whores and how ugly they are. There were a couple of women who said they couldn't believe his show was canceled. One caller, who calls in frequently as Robert DeNiro, had Hank so confused that he was apologizing and yelling at the guy at the same time. Hank didn't believe it was DeNiro but he was afraid that if it was actually him he might be offending him. Then another guy called in as Joe Pesci and Hank was doing the same thing. He thought it could be him so he complimented him and yelled at him at the same time. Before Howie left Howard spoke to him about his germ-phobia a little bit. The last time he was on the show he spoke about his phobia and now people know not to shake his hand. He said things haven't change much and he still won't touch a lot of things. Howard got him a black light so he can use it when he stays in hotel rooms. Apparently if you use a black light you can see things like sperm, urine and mouse turds in hotel rooms. He explained again how he removes hotel room blankets with ice tongs so he doesn't have to touch it with his bare hands. He also puts a towel on the shower floor when he showers in hotels. Howie is appearing at the Westbury Music Fair tonight and he'll be in other parts of the country doing his stand-up in the coming weeks. He's at Caesar's Resort in Las Vegas August 12-15. For info on Hank's appearance schedule just head to www.hankthedwarf.com.
Hank the dwarf and Beetlejuice the tiny headed dwarf came in to hang out for a little while this morning. Howard heard that the two of them got into a little fight out in the hallway. Beetlejuice came in first. He had his hair and eyebrows painted green for St. Patrick's day. He told Howard that he's going to be in the New York St. Patrick's day parade today. Howard tried to find out how he did that but Beetlejuice can never give a straight answer. Howard brought in Hank a few minutes later to find out why the two of them were fighting it out. For the next 20 minutes the two of them had a pissing contest over the dumbest things. If Hanks drinking came up Beetlejuice would say that he can drink more than him. If Hank's height came up Beetlejuice would say he's taller than him. Beetle said that he's better than Hank at just about everything. Hank called Beetle a ''stupid little midget'' and everyone pointed out that Beetle is taller than Hank. Hank said that if he is taller it's only by a couple of inches. Apparently this all started back at Howard's birthday show a few weeks ago. Hank said that Beetle didn't want him to meet William Shatner for some reason and the two of them started in with each other at that point. Beetle said he doesn't even know who Shatner is and he doesn't know why he didn't want Hank to meet him.
After the arguing Howard brought in this British TV show host who wanted to interview Hank. The host of the show ''Freak Out'', Matt, came in with his crew to interview Hank. Matt has flipper hands so Howard spoke to him about that for a couple of minutes then turned over the show to him. The interview Matt did was really lame and it wasn't going anywhere so Howard gave up on it.
This guy Mike had come down to try and win breast implants for his wife. He had agreed to suck Hank's toes to win the implants. Hank didn't want any part of it unless he was going to get paid. Gary told him they'd give him $800 courtesy of iWon.com for his trouble. He was also afraid that the guy was gay but Mike says he's not. Gary took off Hank's one shoe and everyone was disgusted by his uncut toe nails. Hank says he never cuts them. Some people were even saying that they were green from fungus or something. Howard told the guy that he had to suck and kiss all of his toes and put all 5 in his mouth to win the implants. Mike didn't seem to hesitate much. He went right to it and sucked those green toes. He won the implants which will be put in by Dr. Sal Calabro.
Today's special was over around 12:55pm.
William Shatner came in to promote the movie ''Showtime'' which he's appearing in along with Eddie Murphy and Robert De Niro. Howard spoke to him about that for a short time and also about his web site WilliamShatner.com. He was also promoting his video ''Mind Meld - Secrets Behind the Voyage of a Lifetime.'' That's the tape where Shatner and Leonard Nimoy talk about the old days and Shatner apparently farts during their discussion.
Howard brought in porn star Tabitha Stevens (TabithaStevens.com) who is offering up anal sex to a lucky listener. He spent a few minutes with Tabitha and she told Howard that she's a big fan of Shatner's. She said she used to watch him on TV when she was a child and always said she'd like to marry him.
Shatner was playing for this guy Jeff who came in. Jeff has some problems including an arm that's paralyzed from an accident he was in back in 1986. Jeff was drunk and very belligerent during the whole thing. He was loud and very obnoxious. He even threatened Shatner telling him he'd better win him the anal. Howard spoke to him for a few minutes and then got to the game ''Butt Billionaire.''
William Shatner had to answer 3 out of 5 questions correctly to win the anal sex with Tabitha for Jeff. Howard asked Shatner the following questions:
Howard let Shatner go but he spent a few more minutes with Jeff and Tabitha. Howard told Jeff that he has to treat her gently when he gets this prize. He kept saying that he's a nice guy and said he'd be very nice to her.
Artie Lange did an impression of Jeff that was like a drunken Bill Cosby doing a Jello Pudding commercial. That's the best way to describe Jeff's voice. Howard said he kind of looks like a full sized Hank the Dwarf.
Howard said William Shatner literally ran out of the studio after the game. He said he ran at ''warp speed'' after the craziness. Jeff apparently tried to shake his hand but Shatner just ran out. Howard congratulated Jeff and ended the craziness shortly after that.
Howard had this guy Lispy Lynn come in. He has a cleft pallet so he's kind of hard to understand. He said he's been able to get laid a couple of times in his life. He gets it about once a year and has to pay for it. Howard had this woman Ashley Blue (Get her videos!) come in a short time later and asked him if he'd like to bang her. He said that would be good for him.
Lynn said that he just lost his job a couple of weeks ago. He was making teeth at this lab. Howard thought that was kind of interesting. Howard moved on to talk to 22 year old Ashley Blue. She said she's been in the business for about 2 years now and has probably done about 150 movies. Howard asked Lynn about the chicks he's able to get. He said they're pretty skanky hos since he has to pay for it.
Ashley told Lynn what he could win today. She said he gets the chance to fly out and watch 4 days of porn shoots. He'll also get to hang out with them. Ashley let Lynn squeeze her breasts while she was talking about all of that stuff. Howard said you can go on this trip yourself if you want. Just check out SMSpromotions.com for more details.
Howard told Lynn that he was going to have to call a deli and place an order they give him. If the deli gets the order correct when they deliver it, he'll win the trip. Gary came in and gave Howard the list of stuff they needed ordered. Howard read it and it had the following on it: ''Bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich on lightly toasted pumpernickel with mayonnaise on the side, pickle, a diet Sunkist soda and a bag of barbecue potato chips and a chocolate chip cookie.''
Howard had Lynn practice on him as he pretended to be an Indian guy. Howard gave him a hard time and said he was going to have it rough trying to give that order. Howard told him he has to get it delivered as well so he has to give the address of 40 West 57th, 14th floor.
Howard asked Lynn what kind of name that was, it's a girl's name. Lynn said that's just what his parents named him. Robin asked him why they never gave him an operation to fix his problem. He said he didn't know.
Howard called the deli and let Lynn place his order. The woman who answered the phone was very good at understanding what he was saying. She had to ask a few questions but she understood the whole order. They had to change the Sunkist to a Slice soda. Everyone was impressed with Lynn's performance. He was able to get the whole order in within a couple of minutes. He came in 1 second under the 3 minute limit that they placed on him.
Howard gave Ashley a plug for the SMSpromotions.com web site and for her own site AshleyBlue.net. She talked a little bit about the trip and what the guys get to do when they sign up for the trip. Howard also asked her about what she likes to do. She said she likes anal and loves to give guys oral. She also claims that she can put her whole hand in her mouth and not throw up. She demonstrated that and Howard said she must be good at oral but she wouldn't need that for his small size.
A listener called in and asked if they were going to check the order first before awarding this guy the trip. Howard said they would but the guy will probably win the trip no matter what. He deserves it. Howard later found out that Lynn is 51 years old. Robin asked him if he'd think about getting an operation now. He said he's never looked into it. Howard said they should find out if there's a doctor who would be willing to fix him up.
Howard asked him what foods he can't eat. He said he can't eat peanut butter but he likes hamburgers. Howard told him he's going to do what he can to find someone to help him out. He went to break after that.
The deli order that Lispy Lynn placed showed up during the break. Howard had Lynn come back in and also brought in the delivery guy from Liberty Deli. Howard had the guy check the bag to find out what was in there. Howard didn't understand the guy too well so he had KC open it up and find out what was in it. KC pulled everything out and found that they had almost everything he asked for. He was missing a pickle. Artie got the sandwich. Howard gave the delivery guy a $25 tip for a $7.46 order. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to the delivery guy about what he could buy down in Mexico with $25. Howard asked him if he wanted to squeeze Lynn's ass. He wanted to do it so Howard let him do it. He also got to kiss her. He said ''Wha's you name baby?... My name is Caesar.'' Howard sent the delivery guy on his way and told Lynn to have a good time on his porn trip. Howard said he could understand the guy with the hair lip better than the Mexican delivery guy.
Howard had porn star Blue Iris (Get her Videos) come in after the Kathie Lee game. She looked like she didn't have teeth so Howard asked her about that. She said that she was in a car accident years ago but when she opened her mouth there were teeth in there. Howard asked her if she's really 65 years old. She said she's actually only 57 and she lied about her age. She wanted to hand Howard some gifts she had but Howard didn't want any of them. He told her to just put the stuff down and forget about it.
Howard asked her about the porn movies she has done and all of that stuff. She had a very odd way of speaking so Howard wondered what that was all about. She said she just has a low voice. She insisted that she was born in 1947 and she's only 57 years old. Gary came in and said that he saw some of her pictures on the web and they're very disturbing. Howard asked to see her ass so she pulled down her pants and the guys sighed with disgust when they saw it. KC thought he saw a diaper in there when she pulled down her pants as well. She said that wasn't the case.
Howard took a call from a guy who said just hearing her voice was making him nauseous. Howard asked Blue how long she's been in porn now. She said she just got into it about 4 years ago. She told Howard about how she got into it and how her son has AIDS. She said that she has also been in a mental institution. KC said he doesn't believe that she's even got a son.
Blue told Howard about how she was working in a Men's store many years ago. They found marijuana in her purse when she passed out at one point so she was sent to a mental institution for some reason. Gary asked her if she had shock therapy or something. She said they did do that and she didn't have any anesthetic. She claims that she closed them down after that.
Howard said that she must be in porno because it sounds like someone F'd her brains out. Howard wondered why she was electro shocked at this place she claims to have been at. She tried to explain it and said that she was Jewish and that's why they shocked her. Howard wanted to see her breasts but Blue wouldn't take them out for him. She just kept saying ''No!'' to him every time he asked. KC told her to show Howard her ''wrinkly prune'' but she said ''No!'' to that as well. She said she has kids and she didn't want to do that because of them. She eventually pulled them down and Howard said ''Whoa! Man, that's nasty!'' Gary said he needed a wire brush to scrub his brain after seeing that mess. KC said something like ''That's what happens to that thing?'' after seeing it.
Blue wanted to give Howard his gifts but the mood was subdued after she showed her mess to them. Howard tried to get Blue to show them her breasts after that but she refused. She showed them her nasty crotch but didn't want to do the boobs. They eventually talked her into it and they weren't as bad as Howard thought they'd be. He said if he was her, he'd only show the breasts and not the rest of her body.
Howard asked KC if he'd rather do her or an animal. KC thought about it for a few seconds and said he'd have to do her. KC said that he'd do her over his mother as well. Howard said that Blue looks kind of like Moe from the Three Stooges with the bowl haircut she has.
Howard took some phone calls for Blue after that. One caller asked why they booked her for the show after having someone like Nikki Ziering on the show. Howard was the one who approved it. The guys said they thought it would be funny. Howard gave Blue a plug for her web site ExploitedMoms.com where she's seen in many pictures. She said she's wearing an oxygen mask in one shot.
Blue brought in a wig for Howard but he tried to get her to calm down with her gift bag. She said that she had some stuff from Larry Flynt for him. Howard said he didn't want to see it. He wanted to see her perform oral on a banana. She took the banana and demonstrated for the guys. Howard said it was so vile that he never wanted oral again. A listener called in right after that and said he just vomited in his glove compartment.
Robin asked Howard if he would rather have Toula the transsexual over Blue Iris. He said he would take Toula even though she used to be a man. Howard gave Blue a couple more plugs for the web site and her movies. She asked Howard to sign her pants for her after that. Howard wanted to see her ass first. She showed it to the guys and Gary said that it looked like her ass had an ass.
Howard signed her pants for her after that. That's when he found out that she has a prescription for medical marijuana. Howard told Robin she must have that prescription because she's insane. He signed her after sticking her ass with the pen he was using to sign it. He said she put a big black stain on the crack of her butt. He wrapped up the segment shortly after that. Blue said that she appears at The Comedy Store every Sunday and Monday. She told a horrible joke as she was leaving. Howard had the guys take her out a short time later. He didn't want to see the gifts she brought in.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and told Howard that he shouldn't get rid of her, he should keep her around during the news. He couldn't get enough of her. Howard went to break right after that. Robin started her news after the break.
Howard had a woman on the phone who wanted to come in and kiss Vinnie after he eats some crickets at the Christmas show. Howard hung up on her. He went through some more phone calls and hung up on a bunch of people. He eventually found a strange woman who said she wanted to dance on Jackie's neck or something like that. Then she said she does a naked vagina dance. Then she started yelling out the word 'gina.
Howard's mother called in so he spoke to her about the party that he was having the next day. She gave him some advice on how he should handle the party. They spent a few minutes talking before Howard got back to the 'Gina woman on the phone.
Howard spent a short time talking to Gina Girl about what she does for a living. He also asked about what she looks like. She wasn't answering questions, just saying that she wanted to be there for the Christmas party. Howard found out that Gina Girl's parents are dead but she didn't really seem to know what happened to them. Howard told her that he'd have her in and put her on hold.
Gary sounded surprised that they were going to let her come. Robin seemed to be a little surprised too. Howard asked who he is to stop her from doing the Gina Dance.
From the December 16th show:
The girls started coming in a short time later. He recognized one of the girls but he couldn't place her. The Gay Choir came in and Howard pointed them in the other direction so they wouldn't be where he wanted the girls. They had the belcher guy, Bo the Lesbian, Loud Mouth Jerry and The 'Gina Girl in there. Howard asked about another girl who identified herself as Diane.
Bo the Lesbian said hello to Howard. She was going to be serving drinks to everyone naked according to Howard. She gave him a ''Well...'' so he told her they agreed to that and she can't change. She was looking kind of pale to Howard so he wondered what was up with that. She had changed the color of her hair so that was part of the problem. Howard said he was surprised that she didn't bring Alley Sheedy with her.
Howard went around the room and asked one of the girls who she was. She was saying she was ''Santa Claus'' and then said she was one of the other girls' friend. She was actually a stripper who was going to get naked with a couple of the other girls.
Fred the Elephant Boy was there so Howard said hi to him. He asked the other girls if they thought he wasn't such a bad looking guy. No one jumped up and agreed though. Howard moved on to the guy who was there to massage Robin. He had claimed that he looked like William Hurt but no one thought he looked anything like Hurt.
Howard said he was talking to the hypnotist guy and he was going to have to take Robin into another room to try and make that work. Howard complained about the way Gary had the room set up. He got back to the Santa Claus stripper chick and asked her why she was there. She wasn't going to take her clothes off though so Howard told Gary to get her away from the microphone.
Howard wanted to talk to the 'Gina Girl so he asked Gary to get a microphone on her. Loud Mouth Jerry was in there so he told Howard that she's really his girlfriend. He said he's doing the Woody Allen thing and next week he'll have an Asian chick. He said he took 'Gina girl in and has been taking care of her. 'Gina Girl told him to calm down. Howard asked her what she was going to be doing for them today. She said she was going to take off all of her clothes and dance for them. Jerry said she was going to take her clothes off if they play her music for her.
Gary was bringing more people in and one of the guys was going to dance for Robin. Howard got back to 'Gina Girl and asked her about getting naked. He got sidetracked when he thought about how Fred the Elephant Boy was looking pretty confident standing next to 'Gina Girl.
Howard heard that 'Gina Girl had to strip to the song ''Monkberry Moon Delight'' so he wondered what was up with that. 'Gina girl said she really likes Paul McCartney, that's why she has to do it to that one. She told Howard that she tried dancing last night and had everyone laughing when she said that.
Howard spoke to the hypnotist guy and asked if they could make Robin have an orgasm when she rubbed her ear or something. The guy said they could have Howard rub his ear and she would orgasm. Howard seemed to like that idea. He got back to 'Gina Girl and said he was going to play her song so she could strip down and do her 'Gina Dance. There were some other girls who were going to get naked but Jerry wanted her to get naked by herself.
Howard said that 'Gina Girl isn't retarded, she's just slow. Howard said 'Gina Girl was getting naked and he hadn't even started playing her music yet. He started playing the music and she started stripping down quickly. Howard told her to get her clothes back on because Vinnie was throwing up. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later but talked about how some of the guys in there were ready to throw up.
Howard said that 'Gina Girl almost made everyone throw up when she stripped down. He said that everyone was repulsed from that 'Gina dance she just did. Howard said he has never averted his eyes from a naked woman before... until he saw her dancing. He saw her belly hanging and her bent over and just looking awful. He said she wasn't wearing underwear or anything either.
Howard asked the people in the studio if they were drinking. Fred was standing up so Howard asked him to go sit down. He noticed that the hypnotist guy looked like he wasn't having a good time so he told him to relax and enjoy himself. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard came back from break and said that things were pretty wild in the studio. He said that everyone had turned their heads when 'Gina Girl danced. No one wanted to see that. He also said that they had a guy there who was going to play the piano with his wiener. He wanted to see some of the girls naked but no one was naked yet. He also spoke to the Gay Choir who were going to be performing for them.
Howard asked one of the lesbians about the type of woman she likes and found out that she likes white women. She said that it's all pink on the inside so the color of her skin doesn't matter. Howard told her to watch herself because they were on the air. Robin asked her if she's been with a man. She said she had been with a man but it's not her preference.
This woman called in a couple of months ago. She said that even though she's black herself she doesn't like black people. She came into the studio today to tell her story. Actually it was YELL her story. Howard kept putting people on the phone with Alice and they'd say something to her and she'd go nuts yelling at them. It was pretty funny. Basically Alice doesn't like black people because she's been ripped off by black people during her life. There was a pretty funny story that Scott Einziger had to tell. Scott was in the men's bathroom when he heard a sound next to him. It turned out to be Alice! She was in the men's room. She said something like ''..damn it, this is the men's room?...I've done this before...''. She said that she was sleepy and that she didn't know which bathroom she was in. She had done it once before when she was younger also. Scott also said that she was on her period so he saw things that he shouldn't have. One caller was chanting voo doo stuff to Alice but she just yelled at the guy so you could barely hear it. Before she left she cried about losing her mother and father and sister. She didn't say how she lost them but she wept for a couple of minutes. Howard just laughed.
This guy was bumped from yesterday's show because they ran out of time. Maybe it was a good thing because this guy did an amazing job this morning. Dan says that he can make better sounding farts with a toilet. Well, he got his wish and a fake toilet was created for him. It sounded like they had a toilet seat on top of a chair with the bottom taken out of it. They took the bottom out to get better sound to the microphone. Dan started off right away and was making some nasty sounding farts. Within a short time Doug from E! dropped his counter button and ran away from Dan. It turned out that Dan had an accident and shit on the floor! It didn't stop him though. He just kept farting while everyone else just laughed and gagged. Eventually Doug from E! got the counter back and started the count again. After it was all done a guy called in and said that he had an accurate count of 256. For some reason Benjy the intern came walking into the studio and stepped in the shit that was still on the floor! More gagging followed.. Howard had to take a commercial break. After the break Howard came back with the official count of 206. He also said that it was really funny how the crap got cleaned up. They were using cardboard and stuff like that to clean it. General Manager Tom Chiusano said that he wanted that ''toilet'' banned from the show. Howard said it was just a one time accident so it's staying. The microphone that was under the toilet was ruined because the just had a piece of tissue covering it up. There was an 11 year old kid waiting in the wings to attempt the record but he was puking in the bathroom because he was so nervous. Fran Drescher showed up so he was off the hook for a while. To see the other record attempts just click here to see the Fart record chart.
Howard asked Robin if she wanted to meet this guy who calls himself King of All Blacks. He and Robin thought he was the guy who called himself Big Blackie but they were wrong about that. King brought in something for Howard to sign so he said he would do it. It was Howard's book that he had already signed. King wanted him to sign a specific page so he could prove it to people when he tells them about the autograph. He had Howard signing the page where he wrote about Rodney King in his book. That led to King and Howard talking about Rodney King for a short time.
Howard talked to King about his family life and how tough that was. King said that he has a kid out of wedlock and explained what happened there. King said his parents didn't really like the girl so that's why he didn't marry her. King said that he lived with the girl for like 8 years but they got sick of each other.
Howard had a caller on the line who said that this guy in the studio wasn't the real King of All Blacks. The caller said he was the real King. King said that he actually knew this guy and he should hang up on him. King said this guy was Butch and he knew him. Butch said that King can get just about any woman he wants. King started to take his shirt off but Howard asked him to put it back on.
King asked Howard to hang up on Butch because he was droning on too much. Howard agreed and said that he was kind of preaching a lot so he let Butch go.
Howard spent some more time talking to King and then wrapped up with him. King talked about why he dislikes certain people and the reasons. He had a bunch of stories that he told before they wrapped up the segment.
In the clip we heard Melrose call in to talk to Howard about how much he loves the show. He also said that he has a cable show that he does and how it aired all over the Los Angeles area. Larry said he stands out on the streets with signs to help promote the show. Larry said he does tax returns to make a living.
Larry said that he's one of Howard's biggest fans and he knows that there are people out there who are imitators of Howard's. He helped one of them get back on the radio one time. Larry was name dropping left and right with all kinds of celebrity names. He said that he used to do Dice Clay's taxes before he was famous. Howard let Larry go a short time later. Howard and the guys spent a short time talking about Larry after they hung up on him.
The next segment was from May 18, 1992. Here's a quick synopsis:
Howard said that Melrose Larry Green was there so he had the guys bring him in. He said he had a story to tell about Stuttering John getting a ticket for urinating in public too. Larry came in a short time later. Larry told Howard he didn't come there to be a guest. He said that he just wanted to be there to help out with the campaign. Stuttering John brought him in when he saw him sitting out in the lobby.
Larry wants Howard to be President and he thinks that he has enough people who love him that he could get elected. Larry went on and on talking about how many people love him and how popular he is.
Larry told Howard he was going to be in town until Thursday and he'd be jogging around the streets of the city while he's there. As Larry was rambling Stuttering John was laughing at him.
Larry said that he was going to go back on the street again and hold up his signs. Gary told Howard to check out the signs before Larry left. Howard checked them out and talked to Larry a little more before letting him go.
Howard said that body builder Nicole Bass was coming in. Fred started making fun of her as soon as she walked in. They were goofing on her as if she were a man. Howard wanted to see what Nicole had going on in her pants but Nicole said she wasn't willing to show anyone what's going on down there.
Howard told Nicole that he always thought that she was a man because of the size of her body and how manly she looks. He said her hands are huge, like a man's. He said that he saw her high school year book picture but he still wasn't sure if she was a woman. He said he's about 80 percent convinced.
Nicole said that maybe she should kiss Howard and prove it to him. Howard said he's not kissing Nicole for any reason. He ended the segment a short time later.
Gary came in and told Howard that they had to get to Underdog Lady as soon as possible because they only had a 30 minute window of opportunity. Howard asked Fred if they had to take a break first. Fred said they did and Gary said he had to call her anyway.
Gary told Howard about some of the problems Underdog Lady had with him and went over that stuff. He also said that she had some ground rules for him. They had to stick to the subject and not go off on a tangent. She also didn't want any R or X rated antics while she's on the phone. Gary said that she's gotten some feedback from the people at her church and they're upset about her appearance on Howard's show.
After an edited out break Howard asked Gary what was going on with Underdog Lady. Gary said that she was just about ready. Howard got Suzanne on the line a short time later and asked her why she was mad at him. Suzanne told Howard that the exposure she's gotten hasn't helped her out at all. She said that it hasn't improved her status or anything like that.
Suzanne went on to say that there are some people who feel that she is unworthy of future appearances because of the appearance she made on his show. She said that the people she appeared with were demonstrating the worst of human vices and she can't be seen with people like that. Howard told her that she takes things too seriously and doesn't have any fun.
Suzanne told Howard that she was made to look for the worst in her life. Howard told her to just go out and have some fun. She said she's had fun.
Howard kept calling Suzanne ''Underdog Lady'' but she insisted that he call her ''Underdog'' without the ''lady'' part. She said that she's playing the character of Underdog when she performs.
Howard told Suzanne that her church friends who are watching his show and complaining about it are hypocrites. He said that there is nothing wrong with having some fun and doing the show. He told her not to worry so much about what people say to her about that.
Suzanne said that she didn't like the questions he was asking her during the shoot of the TV show and it was very inappropriate. Howard said that he was just interested in her and the things she does as Underdog. Howard asked her if Deputy Dog was gay because he thought he was. Suzanne hung up immediately.
Howard said he felt it was unfortunate that people are giving her a hard time. Gary said that she wanted to be interviewed and Howard broke that rule the way he was talking to her. Howard told Gary to call her back and tell her he didn't understand the rules.
Gary called Suzanne and explained that Howard didn't understand the rules so that's why he did what he did. Howard told Gary he wanted to apologize to her so he wanted her on the air to do that. Gary got her back on a short time later.
Howard went back to the phone and told Suzanne that he wasn't going to call her Underdog Lady anymore. Suzanne told Howard that he should start cleaning up his act starting the next day since it was the start of Lent.
Howard said he didn't realize that he was offending her earlier. He went on to talk about Lent and how they have people up there to put ashes on their foreheads.
Howard went on to tell Suzanne that she portrays a fun character but she takes life awfully seriously. Suzanne said that when she decided she wanted to impersonate him, she felt she had to make him the best she could and that's why she took it so seriously.
Howard asked Suzanne if she ever likes to use dirty words. She said that she doesn't. Howard asked her if she ever does it when she's with a boyfriend or something. She kept giving him a very firm ''No!'' answer for those questions.
Howard asked Suzanne why she cares what other people say about her. Suzanne kept saying that they found her inappropriate on his TV show. Howard asked how all of these people saw her on his show if they don't watch it. She said that they ran across it accidentally. Howard said that people don't just run across that show accidentally. They were probably watching the show because there were so many.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Suzanne before wrapping up the call. She told Howard that she had to get going so Howard let her go. Howard and Robin talked about her a little longer after she was off the phone.
This 22 year old guy Junior came in to attempt a record breaking fart attempt. No one has tried to beat the 5 minute record since 1999. That was Kip who held the record of 225 since 1999. Junior came in very cocky saying that Kip sucks and he'd blow away that record no problem. Howard spent a short time talking to him about his farting and his friends The Flames (TheFlamesUSA.com). You can get Junior's farting CD on their site. Junior was also carrying around a box of Foo Fighters CDs because, he says, Dave Grohl is an inspiration to him.
Howard's official counter was broken so Doug Goodstein from E! had a hand held computer or calculator to do the counting. He took his stance and started off an amazing batch of farts. He was blasting more than one per second for the whole 5 minutes. Since the counter was broken KC was giving an update every 20 or so. He counted off 20, 40, 60 as Howard did a whisper commentary of what was going on. At a minute and a half Junior hit 138 farts. KC yelled out 160, 182, 200, 215... and then 225, Junior tied the record at 2 minutes and 25 seconds. Then KC gave his count... 260, 300, 320, 340, 360... by 4 minutes and 6 seconds he was at 380 farts. Then it quickly rose... 400, 420, 440, 460... at the five minute mark he'd hit an amazing 464 farts!
Junior was still very cocky about his new record. He said that Kip sucked and his record of 225 was nothing. He said that he dedicated all of these farts to Joey Ramone and Dave Grohl.
Howard took a few phone calls from fans who were impressed with his talent. People seemed amazed with what he was able to do with his ass.
Someone brought up Mr. Methane's name and Junior even badmouthed his amazing talent. He then proceeded to show Howard that he's able to blast songs out just like Mr. Methane. Howard and the crew guessed at what songs he was blasting out and got some of them correct.
Wow! Two game shows in two days. Today Howard had Tom Bergeron from ''The New Hollywood Squares'' TV show play ''HollyWeird Squares'' against frequent guest, Slow Adam. Howard said they had Tom booked for the show and didn't know what to do with him so they set up this game. Howard spoke to him for a couple of minutes then moved on to the big game. They had 9 guests stars to play the game and here's how they lined them up in the squares:
|High Pitched Eric|
|High Pitched Eric|
Today's show was over around 1:20pm.