|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started off the show asking Robin where she wanted to begin. He said that his wife ran the marathon yesterday. He also noticed Robin's ''Sarah Palin glasses'' and said they actually look good on her. Howard said he knows she's looking for a ''glasses look'' and that's working for her. Robin said that's not what she's looking for, she's just trying to find something nice since the other frames she's had have been so bad.
Howard asked Robin if she would get laser surgery on her eyes. She won't. Neither will Howard. He said that he's waiting for someone to go blind from that. Robin said she raced to the eyeglasses store yesterday to get her new glasses. She
Howard said that Beth ran the marathon in 4 hours, 15 minutes and 39 seconds. They have a way to track people with a chip in their shoe. He said he was able to track her the whole time she was running. Howard thought that was pretty cool. Robin said she was able to figure out just when to go down and see her.
Howard said Beth stopped to go to the bathroom 3 times during the race and there were lines to go to the bathroom. He said she probably could have shaved 20 minutes off of that time. Howard said some people hold it but you don't want to be uncomfortable the whole time.
Robin said Beth looked great running. Howard said he didn't look so good in the pictures in the paper. He said he went to the Central Park finishing line and got into his ''disguise'' and one picture was worse than the next. He said he looks like an old bird. Robin looked for his pictures so she could check that out.
Howard said he was brought to the finish line and he didn't want to miss Beth finishing. He said some people brought him right to the line and one official guy told him he couldn't be there. Howard told the guy he just wanted to see his wife finish the race. The guy told him he couldn't be there, he didn't care who he was.
Howard said this Road Runners guy that brought him down there told him he could stay there. Howard said he told the guy he just wanted to stand anywhere that he could see Beth. Then the guy that was trying to throw him out was trying to make conversation with him. Howard told the guy he just wanted to see his wife.
Then the official went away and a camera guy came over to him to get his reaction as Beth finished the race. Howard said the guy was in his face and the guy was huge and standing right in front of him like he was a wall. The official came back and kicked the camera guy out so that was nice but then the official was his best friend again.
Howard said he had a black ski mask out to the race to disguise himself. Howard said even his daughter told him that he wasn't being disguised in that. He said he was just Howard Stern with a ski mask on. Howard said his neck was out and looking freaky. He said he looks really bad in the NY Daily News. Robin finally saw it and said that it is a bad angle and they were shooting up on his face. Howard said he knew it was bad when Beth didn't tell him that their pictures were in the paper today.
Howard said the SternFanNetwork, or ''Stern Hate Network,'' should have fun with that picture of him.
Howard said the press was covering him giving Beth her medal and all of that stuff and took more pictures of him. Howard said there was a woman who won the marathon and did it in 2 hours and something. Howard said there were a lot of other people running who have no business running it. Robin said the woman who won was doing faster miles as the race went on.
Howard said Beth was getting faster as the race went on too. He said she was really proud and he was proud of her too. Robin said Richie Notar got some video of her running too.
Howard said Beth came close to raising $300,000 for her charity in the race. She was just shy of that number. Howard said just about everyone runs for some reason and they all have charities and thins that they run for. Howard said that guys seem to get more money even though he thinks the winner should get the most.
Artie asked Howard if he thinks this is more impressive than the guy who eats a ton of hot dogs at Coney Island on the Fourth of July. Howard said that it's this.
Howard said Beth was very happy to hear the fans cheering her on as the race was going. He said that Mariann from Brooklyn was out there cheering her on and so was High Pitch Eric. Eric managed to get into the VIP section at the finish line somehow. Howard said he's like some kind of evil genius getting into gigs like that.
Howard thanked everyone who was out supporting her. Robin said she had a big sign and Beth didn't even see that. Robin said she wasn't paying attention because there were so many people out cheering.
Howard said Howard TV has some video of him putting the medal on Beth. He said that his daughter is in the video too. Howard said he looks really bad with his wrinkled neck. Artie asked if that's his youngest daughter. Howard joked and said ''No, that's Beth.'' Artie got a laugh out of that.
Robin said that the video guys are all shorter than him so they have to shoot up when they film him. Howard said that's true. They'd have to stand on a box to be at eye level.
Howard said he thought his fans loved him but they really hate him over at SternFanNetwork. Howard said he can't go on there because they hate him so much. He can't handle it over there.
Howard said there were a bunch of pictures of him in his disguise out there. He said he looks pretty good with his hair out because he can hide his flaws. When he goes out with that hat on though, he looks horrible. Howard said he's pretty good at looking decent most of the time.
Howard said Beth told him that her legs weren't hurting too much until the end of the race. Howard said he saw one guy go down. Robin said one guy did collapse and die at the end of the race. Howard said it was probably the guy he saw. Robin said there were two others that had heart attacks and are in the hospital now.
Howard said running 26 miles is insane. Artie said he used to run like 5 miles and that was insane. He said that running another 21 miles is inhuman. Robin said they said that the 20th mile is the wall and it's almost impossible to get past that. Howard said Beth really didn't have that problem.
Robin said it was the first time she ever went out to cheer for someone like that and it was really fun. She said there were fat people running though and she doesn't get why they run. Howard said some people over eat trying to fuel up for the race.
Robin said one guy ran past them with no legs. Howard said he saw that guy too and he seemed to be having a great time. Howard said that's almost like cheating when he doesn't have real legs. He said it's actually inspirational.
Howard said that now they're saying that the husband killed her. He said that the guy was apparently accusing her of having an affair with some other guy and he ended up choking her to death. Howard said they think the husband killed her and then went out and got a pizza and acted like nothing was wrong. Howard said the plan was kind of sophisticated because the guy had to get her car out to the location and get the body out there. He said that's kind of how they caught him.
Gary said that they say that the guy text messaged himself from her phone and tried to make it look like she had texted him. Howard said it's pretty insane what the guy did.
Howard said his mom went to Leah's funeral and the whole family is a great family. His mom said that she was just a joy the whole time she was alive. Howard said that her evaluation there showed that to them as well. Howard said that she decided to get out of broadcasting and to get into teaching autistic kids.
Howard said his mom said that Leah stood out because she was so nice and you just wanted to know her. Howard said his mom didn't want to go to the funeral because of how horrible it all was. He said the family was very thankful for mentioning her on the show when she disappeared.
Howard said his mom was really upset about the whole thing. Gary said the brother was the one who was kind of their spokesperson and he kept talking about how great his sister was.
The guys talked about how nuts it is to kill someone over something like he allegedly killed his wife over. Howard said that one of the lawyers was saying that this guy shouldn't see the light of day again. Howard said he has to agree with that.
Artie said that they could say that it was manslaughter if she died in a fight. Howard said they don't know what kind of fight it was though because he's the only one left now.
Howard played the audio of the husband crying when he was pleading to people to help find Leah. It was such a fake cry that the guys picked up on that last week and goofed on him.
Howard did his crying thing again and told Fred he thought he was going to be good at that last week but he wasn't. Fred said he was doing okay until he oinked during his crying thing.
Howard played more of the husband crying clip and said that guys like that look so guilty when they're doing something like that. He did some more of his crying and said it would have been funny if the guy just came out and went 'Wah! My wife's missing, wah!'' Howard said that guy is such a two bit phony.
Artie said the funny thing is that if it's a white guy, he blames black guys for killing their wife. Robin said that happened up in Boston one time. The guy was the one who did the killing and they blamed black guys for doing it. Howard said that chick who killed her kids in her fan did that too. She said it was a group of black guys who killed her kids. Howard said that was really sad and he hopes the guy rots in jail.
Howard said he saw that Senator Ted Stevens is going to run for his position again even though he was found guilty. He said the guy is claiming that he's not guilty until his appears are over. Howard said the people in Alaska must be insane. He said they're all for this guy and for this Sarah Palin.
Howard said he had to give a shout out to his buddy Hunter who is over in Afghanistan in the service. He said that they dropped a bomb on some enemy target and had written his name on the bomb. Howard said that pieces of him are in some terrorists over there. Howard said he had asked Hunter to do that and he sent a picture of the bomb with his name on it.
Robin read some notes about the marathon and how the winners get $130,000 each and a Mercedes. Howard said that a man actually won the overall race and he's thinking that guy should be the one who gets all of the money. Robin said it's about getting people to be interested in the race though so they have to have a female overall winner and a male.
Gary said that there was a woman's group trying to get the prize money to be equal for men and women in the race. Artie gave them a big ''Wah!'' for complaining that they don't make as much as the men.
Gary said that they've been doing that for a while now. He said that their old marketing director was running between 5 stations or so.
Howard said that Chernoff was a nice guy and a ''class act'' like they say during football games when they talk about a coach. Howard said that means the guy is in charge of a bunch of maniacs. Gary said it means that they're nice to the press when other guys are just assholes.
Gary and Howard talked about the time they got Mark to show his penis to them in the bathroom. Howard said he remembers feeling really dirty and disgusted with himself when he did that. He said he wishes that he never saw his penis. He said that his penis kind of looked like his face and that's what he thinks his own penis looks like. He said his penis is kind of rat looking just like his face.
Howard told Artie to write down that another rule to follow is to ''always blame the blacks.'' He went into his crying thing again and goofed around blaming blacks for taking his wife and stuff.
Robin said she was reading something about Bernie Mac yesterday. She said they had asked him if it was difficult being so dark. That was months ago before he died. She said that Bernie went home and asked his mom why he was so black and she told him it's because she's black.
Howard continued to do the crying thing and goofed on that Walsh guy. Howard said Beth told him that there was a guy out running bare foot in the marathon. It was a black guy and he figured it could have been an African guy that isn't used to having sneakers.
Robin said there was a guy running in a thong. Howard said there was another guy running in a frog outfit. Robin said one guy was a Dunkin Donuts cup, a cow, guys in dresses, kilts and other stuff. She said that they must have stunk to high heaven. Robin said there was a guy in a tutu as well.
Howard said Beth didn't even look sweaty after 26 miles. He said that she wasn't all that gross after that though. Robin said she looked like she was about to start the race at the end.
Bobo called in and said that he must be thrilled that this is finally over. Howard said that he was kind of joking about how he wasn't getting sex and stuff. Howard said Beth told him that she was never going to do this again and now she's going to concentrate on being his wife.
Howard said that Robin is next and maybe she'll do it. Robin said it did look interesting. Howard said it's a lot to train for and it's tough on your body. Robin said that some people's bodies erupt and things come out of them that they didn't even know they had in them. Howard said he hopes this is the last one for Beth.
Howard said that everyone asks Ronnie what he's wearing because of how strong it is. He said that it's actually that they're just wondering why it's so strong.
Robin said she never smelled Ronnie in the past and it was like all of a sudden it was there like a fog. Howard said the Mambo thing inspired pictures, song parodies and all kinds of stuff.
Howard played a song parody that Mike Morse put together. He sang ''Ronnie Loves Mambo.''
Howard said that these guys up in Canada prank called Sarah Palin. He said that they're pretty tame though and they almost do it as if they're the President of France and it's barely a prank. It's just an impersonation.
Howard played the prank call and the guys pretend that they're Nicholas Sarkozy and his assistant. Palin believes that it's really him and carries on the conversation with him. The guys would interrupt her in the middle of her sentences but there wasn't much funny in there. The prank went on for quite a while until they told her that they had pranked her. It was the Masked Avengers from CKY up in Montreal. Palin asked what the call letters were and sounded kind of irritated that they got goofed on.
After playing the prank Howard said that if Sal and Richard had done a call like that she would have been off the phone much quicker. Robin said that they didn't really zing her but they did slip in a few outrageous lines that she didn't hear.
Howard said the guys had a couple of funny things that they got into with her. Robin said she thought it was funny how they were jerking around Palin's assistant trying to get her on the phone with President Sarkozy's assistant. They kept going back and forth playing phone tag.
Howard said he can imagine Palin threatening to nuke them for doing something like that. They spent a minute talking about that and then Howard said he had to go to break. He said that radio up there can't be that good because they went to number one almost the day they started there. They went to break after that.
Howard said that Eric was all made up for them and looked like he was dressed up like a parent would dress up a little kid. Howard said that they have a surprise for him and they have some people coming in to view him. He said he'll be in a little later on.
Robin said she's really liking her new glasses and can't stop looking at herself. Howard played a song parody about Eric the Midget that the Bleeding Deacons made for him.
Howard congratulated the Jets and Giants for their wins over the weekend. He quickly went over that and a few other things. He said that they had a bunch of stuff to get to today. Robin said that they have Beth up on the official NYC Marathon web site. That led to Howard talking about how ugly he is and how he can't stand those pictures of him that were in the paper today. Howard said he can look pretty fetching at some angles but not the ones in the paper today.
Howard played a clip from the CW 11 news where a guy says ''baby shitter'' instead of ''baby sitter'' when he was promoting an upcoming story. Howard goofed on that announcer voice that news guys do for a minute after that.
Howard said that Sarah Silverman was on Jimmy Kimmel's show and she told a story about listening to the Howard Stern Show and heard the woman who slept with Mini Me. Sarah said that she and the woman look kind of similar and she was listening to her on Howard Stern. Sarah said that when Howard asked her if she knew who she looked like, the woman said ''Ugh, please don't say Sarah Silverman.''
Howard said he was named one of the creepiest celebrities around. He said he kind of likes that because it shows that people think he's a celebrity. He said Gary was pissed off about it and wondered what he did to deserve something like that. JD blurted out ''Sybian'' when Gary asked that question. Howard said he thinks he does belong on the creepy list for the stuff they do on the show. Howard said that he's a creep and so is Robin.
Howard played the audio clip of a news reporter reading the names on the list of the creepiest people in Hollywood. Marilyn Manson, Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson, Steven King, Howard Stern and Ozzy Osbourne were also on the list. Howard said that OJ belongs on that list right up at the top. Artie agreed with Michael Jackson being on there too.
Howard read another story about this guy who killed Leah, their old intern. He said they went back and listened to the tape of her on the Intern Beauty Pageant back in 1999 and she said she never has luck with guys. Howard played a Lisa G news report where she played audio clips from that Pageant where Leah was talking about her luck with men.
Howard said that was a sad report. He said it sounds like the husband was a real douche bag. He read that a neighbor told the paper about the guy grabbing her and dragging her back into the house one night. The cops had been called a couple of times to go out to their house but no arrests were ever made.
Howard said that the husband was accused of stealing money from a job he had at a Charlie Brown's restaurant. Howard said it sounds like the guy was a real douche bag from everything he's read. Artie said that it makes it sound like she really had tough time with men. Not just the regular problems with men.
Howard got back to the creepiest celebrity list and said that Marilyn Manson isn't even making records anymore as far as he knows. It's like they just put the same people on the list every year. He wondered why they can't come up with other creepy names of current celebrities.
Howard said he has to get to Eric the Midget because he's really interested in finding out what he looks like in person.
The guy asked Howard if he could have his brother in sometime. He said he's in Afghanistan so he wanted to know if he could come in and get that instead. Howard said he would do that since he got screwed. Howard said that maybe they could send Eric down to this guy's house to meet him. Artie suggested they just sent Eric to Afghanistan to meet his brother. Howard said they'll just mail Eric to the guy.
Howard said that he heard that Eric had a threesome again last night. Gary said that they told that guy that they were going to call him back if they did a gallery. Howard said he told the guy that he could come in so he was on the list. They'll just have the guy come in a month from now or something.
Howard said that Eric didn't want them having anyone in to view him. Meanwhile he's on that web cam with people staring at him all day.
Howard said they're going to meet Eric next. He said that the Bunny Ranch whore place got him out there for them. They gave him some women last night and Eric almost didn't make it on the show today because he was up all night. They had to tell Eric that they gave him the women so he could get them plugs on the show so he had to go in. Howard said Eric doesn't realize that they're getting him laid and that's how they work things.
Artie said the guy who was wheeling Eric around today was the guy who waxed his daughter on the show a few months ago. Howard said the guy works at the Bunny Ranch. He's the one they spoke to on the phone the other day.
Lisa G came in and showed off her hands. She said they're veiny but not that big. Robin said they weren't manly looking to her. Artie said they really weren't like the man hands that this guy is talking about.
Howard said he saw Lisa at the marathon and ended up telling her to stay away from her so he could see Beth finish. Howard said the whole thing was making him nuts.
Gary said that Lisa called on her way in this morning to say that Howard looked fine in the pictures in the paper. He said that she really is crazy over him.
Lisa told Howard that he looked good in most of the pictures. Howard thanked her for that and said that she doesn't have man hands. He said he doesn't like the way she looks.
The caller told Lisa to put on some gloves. Lisa told him to wear gloves while he digs ditches all day long.
Howard had Lisa get to her news preview since she was in. Lisa said that she had met Eric and he's in a good mood this morning. Lisa said she has some news about Beth's running the marathon. She said she interviewed some people about her run.
Lisa also spoke to some people about Robin's revelation about being boy crazy and possibly adopting a baby some day. Robin said she never said she was going to do that, she's not going to adopt a baby. Howard went to break after wrapping up with Lisa.
Howard said that she flew in from L.A. just to view Eric. Natalie laughed when she heard that. She said that she flew in yesterday afternoon. Natalie said she was very excited about this. She had a Halloween party on Friday night and Michael Jackson showed up to the party. She said that a friend of hers brought him over. She said people thought it was someone in a Michael Jackson costume. He even brought his kids with him to the party.
Natalie said she was introduced to Michael but not to his kids. She said that his son is the most well adjusted kid. Howard asked if she calls him by his name ''Prince Michael Jackson.'' She said she dint' know what she referred to him as.
Natalie said that everyone was concerned about the way Michael was treated. She said that she heard that Michael found the way to the living room and watched the kids in the back yard. Howard asked if he was very focused on the kids. She said it wasn't like that.
Howard asked if Michael acted bizarre at the party. Natalie said that he was bizarre but also very sweet. She had to go greet him at his car. Howard said that if she had to work that hard she should have told him not to come. Natalie said he wouldn't even recognize her if he ran into her tomorrow. She said that he had never even heard of her before that.
Howard asked if Michael hung out and spoke to any adults there. Howard said he had a business meeting with him one time and the guy barely spoke.
Natalie said that she thinks that Michael is stuck in time as a child. Howard said ''join the club.'' Natalie said he's got lots of handlers and she figured that if he wanted to blend in with people, this party was the perfect time for it. She said that he didn't really blend in though, he just came as himself.
Natalie said that Michael walked past the DJ booth and the DJ started to play ''Thriller'' not knowing that it was really Michael Jackson.
Natalie said that the woman who brought Michael to the party was Gregory Peck's widow Veronique. Howard said she should bring him to this show too.
Natalie said that Michael could be normal if he just spoke to people. People would forget if he didn't make a whole production about the visit. She said that his kids were sweet and no one knew who they were so it was good for them. Natalie said her son is a huge fan of Michael Jackson's. Howard said that maybe he'll have a sleep over then. Natalie said maybe that will happen. Natalie said she didn't introduce her son to Michael though.
Howard did an impression of Michael and goofed on him a little bit. Artie was goofing on him to and offering Natalie 10 million to let him bring her son up to his room and things like that.
Artie said that Natalie gets to see Eric the Midget and Michael Jackson both within 72 hours so that's pretty wild. Natalie said it's going to be the greatest Halloween ever.
Howard asked Natalie why she wanted to come in and meet Eric. Natalie said that she just wants to know if anything makes him laugh and she'd love to see him tickled. Howard said he'd let her tickle him. She said she wouldn't do it herself.
Howard introduced Kristin Massy who was a superfan of Eric's and wanted to come in and meet him. She said that she loves all of his segments on the air and loves his attitude. They also had Adam from Newsday.com who is there to has been following Eric's saga over the years. He said it's a momentous occasion and he hopes to be able to put something together for the site.
Howard said that Kevin from Real Doll is there to measure up Eric for the doll they're going to make of Eric. Howard said that Kevin doesn't work there at the Real Doll place but he's there to take the measurements. Kevin said that they have to measure his head right down to the width of his fingers.
Howard moved on and had Eric come in after that. He was coming in with two women from the Bunny Ranch who had sex with him last night.
Howard and Robin both sounded surprised when they saw Eric actually coming into the studio. Robin said she doesn't think he gets tickled much.
Eric said good morning to Howard and Howard talked about the girls who were there from the Bunny Ranch. They were Cherry and Haley. Howard asked Eric how that went. Eric said that he was just going to say that hanging out with them was fun. He said that everyone in there is out of his personal business. He said he's cutting them off. Artie said ''Bye Eric!'' when he heard that.
Howard asked Eric why he's cutting them out of his personal life. Eric asked if they remember January and February. No one remembered anything about those months.
Howard asked Eric if it was cool to meet him. Eric said it was pretty cool to be there. Howard asked him when he got into town. Eric said he got in about 9:30 last night. Howard said he heard that Eric almost didn't make it in this morning because the girls kept him up.
Eric said they were up until about 2 in the morning. Howard said he must have been burnt out. Eric said that's what it was.
Howard asked the girls if they comped Eric for this. They said that they can't be hookers out there in New York so they couldn't get paid.
Howard asked the girls what they did for Eric last night. The girls said that they had dinner in the room, of course, and then they got naked and got started with him. They wheeled him down to their room and treated him like a piece of meat. One of the girls said she picked Eric up and carried him to the bed. Robin said Eric smiled when he heard that.
Howard asked Eric if he likes being by the girl's boobs. Eric said it was fun. Howard asked the girls if they were wasted. They said they weren't.
Howard asked who did what to whom. He wanted every detail. The girls said they both worked on Eric. One of the girls said she took his pants off and he was ready to go as soon as they did that. Howard said Eric still works down there.
Howard asked Eric if he had a boner down there right now. Eric said he didn't and he just had his hand down there to keep it out of the way.
Howard asked the girls what happened next. The girls said that one of them was in the bathroom while the other one got started. Eric said he knew he was in for a good time when that started to happen. The girls kissed him and gave him some oral sex. They said that Eric likes tits and he likes to lick and suck them. They said he was kind of timid though.
Howard asked Eric if he went down on them. Eric said he didn't. Howard figured he didn't have to. Eric said that they did lick his balls.
Howard asked how many loads he dropped. Eric said he wasn't sure but the girls said it was just one. They're going to have round 2 tonight. Howard said that's surprising and Eric must be addicted to the Bunny Ranch. He said he's heard that he's been calling them a lot over there. Eric said he doesn't call them that much.
Howard asked the girls if they put the rubber on themselves. They said that they do that for him. Then they had Eric on his back and they took turns doing him. The girls said that he doesn't cum as quick as you'd think he would.
The girls said that Cherry was the one who fucked Eric. She said that she didn't have an orgasm with him but she gave one to herself. Eric was playing with her clitoris though. Eric said he thinks he learned that from watching porn. Howard said it sounds like Eric had a great time.
Robin asked Eric why he threatened to kick them out of his personal life. Eric said it was because they ended a relationship he had back in January and February because of the show. Howard said that he had that relationship because of the show and he can't blame them for making him lose it.
Howard asked Eric if he's in love with Cherry and Haley. Eric said he's not sure and he's not sure if he could fall in love with them.
Howard said he had some surprises for Eric today. Howard asked Natalie what she thinks about all of this. Natalie said that it's great to hear all of this. She asked Eric if he would go to dinner with her instead of having the girls tonight. Eric didn't get a chance to answer.
Howard asked Eric if he'd let him measure his head and his height. Eric said no to that. Kevin said that he's going to size him up just from looking at him.
Artie said he can't wait to fuck Eric's face. He said that he wants to fuck the mouth on it so he hopes it's soft. Kevin said they'll have a 2 input doll and the mouth is one of the two. Natalie asked if she could measure him. Eric sounded like he was going to say yes to that but then said ''No.''
Natalie asked if Eric is going to get a commission on the Real Doll. Kevin said he'd have to talk to the Real Doll people about that but he thinks they could work something out. He said they can make the dolls custom and make detachable ears and stuff.
Howard said that Adam from Newsday wanted to say something. Adam said that he wanted to see a little proof that the girls did something with Eric. Howard asked the girls if the wanted to show off what they do. They went in and kissed him. One of the girls had a tattoo on her and she claimed it was Eric at first, then she said it was Biggie Smalls and then said it was her boyfriend.
The girls took off their clothes and started kissing Eric some more. Howard said it looked like the real deal to him. He said that he's a real man now. He asked if his parents are still giving him a hard time about this. Eric said his parents are upset and they're publicizing it. He said that they're threatening to kick him and his room mate out of his house that they're in now. He said they might make him move back up to their lake house.
Howard said that they have a special guest coming in next. He asked Eric if he has any guesses for who it might be. Eric said he knows that Kurt Angle was one of the guys. Howard that Kurt is one of the guys but he's brought someone in with him.
Eric guessed it was Kelly Clarkson. It turns out that it was actually High Pitch Eric playing Kelly Clarkson. Eric said that it wasn't Kelly, it was ''High Pitch Idiot.'' High Pitch sang a song to him about his stinky twat. Eric told High Pitch to get away from him. High Pitch asked ''Who's High Pitch?''
Gary said that Eric stunk up the hallway really bad this morning. Howard told Gary to get him out of there then.
Howard asked Eric who else he would like to see there. Eric asked if it was Brandy Talore. Wrong. Eric asked if it was Katherine McPhee. Wrong again. Howard asked Eric who he calls 900 times a day looking for her trying to get in touch with her. Eric's face lit up when Howard brought that up. He figured it was Diana Degarmo. Eric said that would be good if they brought her in so Howard asked if they could make the Real Doll if they brought her in right then. Eric said he would like to meet her outside of there. Howard told her this is his shot, take it or leave it. Eric then said that he would do it if she came in.
Howard then introduced Diana Degarmo and had her come in and say hello to Eric. She and Eric have met before so they said hi again.
Howard asked Diana what it was like when Eric was calling her mother all the time and trying to get in touch with her. She said that they actually got to meet out in California and people ask her about it all the time. She said she loves that she's famous on the show now thanks to Eric.
Howard said he told Eric not to come on so strong with Diana but he insisted on calling her. He said that he thinks that Eric had fantasies about becoming friends with her and he came on a little too strong. Diana said that calling her mother's house was interesting. She said that her phone is no longer connected thanks to that. She said she changed her number.
Diana said that her mother gets a lot of calls from fans so she's used to it. Howard said it must have been a little unnerving to have someone she never met before calling her so much. Diana said that it was kind of strange to have someone she's never met so interested in her.
Howard said that Eric is a little shy and he was going to speak for him. He said that he was a huge fan of hers and maybe she would like to go out to dinner with him or something. Howard said he would let Eric say it himself if he wanted to. Eric was at a loss for words. He eventually said that it was great to be able to meet her those two times in California and he's hoping that they can continue to meet with each other. Diana said that she would like to meet with him at the shows and stuff.
Robin wanted Eric to say what he really hopes will happen. Howard said that Eric is looking for more than just hanging out at her shows. Howard and Robin said that Eric thinks that she'd fall for him if he got to hang with her more. Eric was at a loss for words again and didn't know what to say. Artie told Eric that he had a better chance of fucking Ruben Studdard.
Howard asked Diana if Eric had any shot at becoming Mrs. Diana Degarmo. She said that's possible but her boyfriend might be a little upset about that. She said that he's not a little person either, he's big. Diana said the timing is just bad for them.
Howard asked if Eric can come out and see shows. She said that's definitely possible because he's been a great fan. Howard said he could see the disappointment in Eric's face. Luckily he has the whores from the Bunny Ranch to keep him happy. Howard asked Diana to put in a good word with Kelly Clarkson for Eric. She said she would do that.
Howard asked Diana about being on this TNA special that's coming up. She's going to be on the show but she said it's a big secret that she can't talk about at this point.
Howard had Kurt Angle come in next. Kurt was there to promote the TNA thing. Kurt had never met Eric but Eric said that he had seen Kurt at a few wrestling events. Kurt and Eric said their hellos and then Howard asked Kurt some questions about wrestling.
Howard asked Kurt about working for TNA and why he can't get into Ultimate Fighting and stuff. Kurt said that he decided to go off on his own and do the TNA thing instead of the WWE. Kurt said that they were overworking him there at the WWE. Kurt said it's been a growing experience and he can't be any happier than he is now.
Kurt had a cut on his nose so Robin pointed that out. Kurt said that he's always in fights. He said that he's been fighting for a long time now. He's also recently single. Kurt said he has a crush on Robin and wanted to ask her out.
Howard said he thought that Diana was a virgin. Diana said that she could still be one, they'll never know. Robin said Diana looks like she's experienced life and she's not one. Howard asked her about being on American Idol, season 3, and what that was like. Diana said that she had a love / HATE relationship with Simon Cowell.
Diana said that they made her watch all of the old episodes over again recently and it was really tough to watch. Howard said that Eric was so near her private area that he was blushing. Howard said that he must be fantasizing about that. Howard asked Eric if he was. Eric didn't have anything to say. He let out a little grunt but that was it.
Howard told Eric this is his last chance to hook up with Diana. Kurt told him to do it now or he'll regret it for the rest of his life. Eric said she's not single so it's pointless. Kurt told her it doesn't matter and he just has to have the balls to ask her. He said it's his one chance.
Kurt said he heard about that call that Eric made where he said ''You know what to do..'' so he was going to make him an honorary member of his TNA Main Event Mafia thing. Kurt told Eric he just has to go for it right now and ask Diana. Kurt said he has to go for the P.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to say anything to Diana right now. Eric didn't have anything to say to Diana since she's not single.
Howard gave Kurt some plugs for his TNA special that's going to be on Spike TV. He went on to ask him about leaving the WWE. Kurt said that he was on a ton of pain killers because he broke his neck 4 times. He said he got addicted and asked if he could go to rehab and they didn't want to let him go. He said that he had to quit after that.
Kurt said that he doesn't look at Vince McMahon like a father figure anymore. He said he used to but now he looks at him like a businessman. He said that Vince didn't want him to go to rehab and that didn't work for him.
Kurt said that the injuries that you get in the WWE are even worse than what you get in the MMA. Howard asked what happened between him and his wife. Kurt said that he got her a job at TNA and they grew apart after that.
Howard asked Eric if he was lucky enough to marry Diana Degarmo, would they ever grow apart. Eric didn't say anything. He was still speechless. Kurt said he could hook up his ex-wife with Eric.
Artie asked Eric if he would make Diana take his last name and make her ''Diana the Midget.'' Eric said that's not his last name.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to say anything to Diana before she leaves. Natalie said ''Diana do you want to measure me?'' right before Eric asked her out. Eric asked her if she would go to dinner with him in California the next time she's out there. Diana said that she'd have to think about that. She said that she will hit him up on Myspace the next time she's going to be out there. Kurt said that it sounds like she's giving him the big blow off. Diana said that she was going to kick Kurt's butt. Kurt told Eric he can fuck him and he'll have the best night of his life. Eric said ''no thanks'' to that.
Howard asked Eric if he would take him up on that offer. Eric said that he's a guy so he won't be taking him up on that.
Howard thanked Natalie for coming in and asked her if she was satisfied that she got to meet Eric. She said that she has days worth of questions for Eric. She asked Eric how long he was with the girls last night. The girls said it was about 2 hours. They were doing a lot of kissing and touching and stuff. Natalie said that it was interesting how he didn't know how many times he orgasmed. She said that she remembers how many she has every time she has sex.
Howard gave the girls from the Bunny Ranch a plug for the show they have on HBO called Cathouse. Eric said that they did a commentary show at JFSC.tv about that. Howard gave Kurt and Diana plugs for the TNA thing too.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to say anything to the people who came to visit. Eric said that he wanted to thank Kurt and Diana to come down. He wasn't mentioning Howard so Howard had to prod him into thanking him.
Kevin asked Eric if he would let them add on a bunch of inputs into his body so more people could fuck his doll. Eric didn't answer that. Kevin also asked if they could measure his head before he left. Kurt asked which head that was. Kevin said that it was his cranium.
Howard asked if the girls could measure Eric's cock tonight. The girls said that it was over 5 inches. They said they remembered that from last night. Howard thanked everyone for coming in again. He asked Eric if he wanted to fly with balloons before he left. Eric said he didn't want to do that. Howard said he thinks that love could blossom from this whole thing between Eric and Diana. They ended the interview a short time later and went to break.
Howard said that they're doing this contest called ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' and some people were confused and thought they had to do an impression of him. He said that he sat with the tapes all weekend and listened so he could find some finalists.
Howard said that some of the guys don't think that Eric got laid last night. Fred said he thought he did at first but then there were a few things that made it sound like he didn't.
Artie said Eric was wearing a pin that had his picture on it and said something about him being a piece of shit. Howard said Eric asked him if he could use his picture on his web site. Howard said he gave Eric permission to do that but not sell copies.
Howard said that this contest they have going on is pretty cool and they're going to give 3 guys the chance to do show on Howard 101. He said some people put zero effort into it though. There was one guy who he really liked but no one else picked up on it.
Howard said they have one guy coming in today and he thinks he has a good spin on it. Howard said Gary doesn't like this one guy he picked. He said that this guy Gary Smith made him laugh a lot. He and his crew were good in his opinion but they do some very racist stuff. He said that one of the bits they do is a black Casper the Ghost. Fred said he didn't like that one.
Howard played the clip of Gary and his crew doing their 3 minute show. They went into their ''Jasper the Friendly Ghost'' which Howard found amusing. They did some pretty racist stuff in the clip and also kept asking how much more time they had left. They did a bit where they had JFK starting his car and it was him saying ''Erah, erah, erah'' like a car starting sound. They did a song parody called 99 Words for Schlong to the tune of 99 Luftballoons.
Howard said he thought they were inventive even though he wasn't thrilled about the racist stuff. Gary said he didn't see it. Robin said they kept going back to the bad characters. Artie said he wanted to find those people and punch them. Fred said that it was like a Zoo went wrong. Howard said it was kind of zoo like but it was hundreds of tapes of people describing what they wanted to do instead of just doing it. Fred said he didn't like the guy asking how munch more time they had.
Howard said he only knows his show. Robin said that if he was up against those people, he would kill them and he'd be offended that they were even on at the same time.
Howard said he had another one where this guy is so bad that he's good. He said that the guy isn't even in on the joke though. He said this guy's name is Christopher Humphries. Howard played some of his demo tape and the guy was doing his awful impressions of Michael Jackson, Ted Kennedy, Ralph, Bill Clinton, Jackie Martling and more. Howard said it was the worst tape they heard. Robin said that it might not even be so bad that it's good.
Howard said that Ham Hands Bill was another one that the guys liked but he didn't. Gary said he thinks that Bill could talk about anything if you threw subjects at him. Howard played some of his demo tape and he as yelling over a siren and then talking about stuff in that way that only Ham Hands Bill can do. Fred was laughing but Howard thought it was a fake laugh. Fred said that's not the case though.
Howard said there was this guy Corey Taylor who sounds like a regular DJ to him. He said that no one else is going to like it but he did. In the clip the guy is talking about the Foo Fighters ''My Hero'' and doing his best lame radio guy voice. Then he talks about how much he sucks and goes off on another subject. The guy had some material about celebrities names for their kids and stuff.
Howard said he thought that guy had a certain panache. Gary said that he wasn't that funny and he was doing material that every comedian has done. Fred said that he thinks he has a decent approach but no material. He said he has potential. Artie said he thought the guy was repeating himself a lot.
Howard had another one, Jeff Ball (or Justin Wood), who was talking about who to vote for. He played that clip and the guy is doing a lot of political jokes about Sarah Palin, Barack Obama and that kind of stuff. Artie just wanted that guy to shut up. Howard said that's why they're playing these things.
Artie said that guy they just played is just what it was like in cities where Howard wasn't on yet. He said he had to do morning shows that were just like that guy's.
Artie said he picked 3 winners last week and thought that they had three already. Howard said he's going to have to back out of this picking of the finalists. Gary told him he has to be part of it. Howard said he can't be part of it. Artie said that guys like Bubba and Ferrall are the kind of guys they need to find. Howard said that they're professionals though.
Howard said that this guy Keith Pacinco guy is really good. He played a clip of that guy doing his thing. Keith was using a lot of Stern show clips and was making up fake phone calls from Mariann from Brooklyn and things like that. He had someone doing an impression of Eric the Midget that wasn't too bad. Then he had a Riley Martin impression. It was a show full of faked calls to the show. Artie, Howard and Robin were laughing at it. Robin said she thought he was good. Artie said that would be like a sketch they'd do on SNL.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought the first team was great. Howard said that they're just beginners so they're not going to be pros right off. Howard said that his early tapes weren't the kind of thing that would make people think he was a genius. Fred said that's not true and he heard something great in the works with his old tapes but not with that team.
Another caller thought that the Jasper the Ghost thing was funny. Robin said that it was lame. Howard said that a lot of these guys don't have any good jokes in their tapes.
Howard had another clip from this guy Samuel Tripoly. He said he took some notes on this stuff to remind himself about why he liked it. He said he had some good material. Gary didn't remember that guy. Howard played it for him. In the clip the guy gives his top 5 hottest chicks in Hollywood list. He had a bunch of zoo-like guys fake laughing at his stuff.
After playing that clip Howard said that there was a lot of laughing going on. Fred said that they were better than the zoo guys and more real. He said that he could imagine them getting better. Howard said that's why he pulled the clip because they do have some potential. Artie said that they seem to be pushing some of the stuff that they're doing but they are better than the first crew.
Howard said that they did agree with this one guy Dante Velozzi whose tape they played last week. He's doing a show tonight. Robin said that Dante was her news intern for a while. Howard said he didn't know that. He told Dante that his tape was good though.
Howard played Dante's demo tape. He did the show like a normal guy and didn't have any fake laughing or anything going on behind him. He just had some music playing and talked about great guitar players, politics, comic book characters, anti-bacterial soap, Clay Aiken and a bunch of other stuff. He just talked about that shit all by himself with no breaks between. Dante said he edited it together like that. Artie liked the way he didn't do it ''all hacky'' like some guys do.
Howard said that Dante was funny in that clip and he's just talking out of his own head. He said he liked the rap on Superman, anti-bacterial and microbial soap things.
Howard asked Dante what he's done since he left his internship there. Dante said he got a news anchoring job down in South Carolina on radio. He said that he did that for about 3 months and got fired. He said that he found it hard to do news without commenting on it so they let him go. He said that he read a story about a tree being cut down and he talked about how fucking stupid it was that people were up in arms about it.
Dante said he was fired over a few stories he read and commented on. He said he was warned about some of the stories he was doing and ended up getting fired when he did one too many. Dante said that he did a story about a Paul McCartney concert and they didn't like that. He said that it was news to him but his boss told him that they don't do reports on concerts.
Dante said he did a report about Metallica's new album debuting at 800,000 copies. They didn't like that either. Howard said that selling that many albums anywhere is a big news story. He said that Metallica is still selling albums and that's pretty newsworthy.
Howard said he thinks that Dante has a talent there and he thinks that he might have discovered someone there. Dante is going to do the show alone and just talk news, current events and stuff like that. He said that he'll be talking about why he thinks that people should vote for McCain. Dante said that he was all for Rudy Giuliani before McCain.
Robin said that Dante seems like a Rock and Roll news commentator. Dante thanked her for that. Howard said they all agreed he deserved a shot so that's why he's doing his show tonight. Dante's show will be on Howard 101 at 7pm tonight.
A caller said that he was getting a Jimmy Kimmel vibe from this guy. Dante wanted to know if that was good or bad. The caller said it's a good thing.
Another caller said that Howard shouldn't be the deciding vote in all of this stuff. He said that Ham Hands Bill should be the next guy. Howard said he might get a shot. They had a British guy they wanted to come in and do a show but he wasn't able to get out of work to do it.
Fred said that he thinks Dante will do really good tonight. Artie said that he wants to see how he handles callers. Dante said he's looking forward to doing that.
Howard said that Dante's show will be on tonight and he's got a shot at winning $5,000 courtesy of Klondike bars.
Howard took a couple more calls and one guy was saying that he thinks this guy Dante is good. He said that he likes the way he's not trying to be a phony or anything like that. He thinks he might need a co-host or something but Howard said he might do okay without one. Howard went to break a short time later.
They talked about Eric clamming up with Diana in there. Howard said he was very blotchy in person. Robin said that Gary said it's like a mood head and it gets blotchy depending on his mood.
Artie said that it's funny to goof on people to their face but it's harder to do it in person too. Artie said that those hookers were pretty and they would do just about anything to get money. He said he asked one of the girls if the guys they see look as pathetic as he and Benjy look. He was fishing for a compliment but she said ''Yeah, some of them.''
Howard took a call from a woman who asked why they didn't have Natalie sing ''When I see Beth Smiling'' like she did at the wedding. Howard said he's not sure why they didn't ask her to do that. Artie said that Natalie is still there waiting to do the Wrap Up Show.
Howard had Natalie come back in to ask her about doing the song. Natalie said that she's not sure if she'd remember how to play it. She just learned it for the wedding. Fred didn't remember the song that well either. Artie said that she was really good at the wedding and it was great that she did it.
Howard had Natalie go out into the hall and try to come up with a version of the song. He said he'd have Steve Langford come in and do his thing while they did that.
Howard said that Natalie's husband is in Heroes and he's just now starting to dig this season again. He said it got better in the last two weeks. Natalie said that they're working hard on trying to make it better now. Howard said he liked season 2 of the show and didn't like this new season. He said that he likes it again now though.
Howard asked Fred to work something out with Natalie. Gary said that he had the music bed if they wanted to try that instead of coming up with a live version of the song. Howard said it might not be in her key. Natalie listened to the music and broke right into the song. Natalie stopped a few seconds in and said that she'd rather do it her way instead of with the Casio keyboard playing.
Natalie told Howard that she was people watching at the wedding and Robin is a fantastic dancer. She said that she aspires to be like Robin. She said that she's just free and happy when she's dancing. Howard said that makes it sound like she was spazing out on the floor. Howard said he just stands there and doesn't move when he dances.
Natalie said that she had a complaint about the wedding. She said that she liked Jillian Barberie's version of Landslide. Natalie said that what she thought was the controversy of the night was the guitar player doing the James Taylor songs. She said that he had Billy Joel singing James Taylor songs and that's just not right. She said that the guy is obsessed with James Taylor and made Billy sing those songs. She said that she had the guy over to her house the night before and that's what he was telling her.
Natalie said the guy even wanted her to sing James Taylor songs at her house when he was over working out the song with her. She said the guy was obsessed with him. That's why she knows that the guy got Billy Joel to perform those songs. She said she wonders what Billy thought about that. Howard said he didn't know that. He said he figured that Billy just wanted to perform a James Taylor song.
Gary said that Billy did just walk up and started harmonizing with him on one song but then they did a Billy Joel song and another James Taylor song. Natalie thought they were all James Taylor songs, she didn't know about the one Billy Joel song.
Natalie said she loved getting to know everyone out there at the wedding. Howard said he liked getting to know her too. He told her he liked her shoes and said they were fuck me pumps. He asked her if she would ever do a mercy fuck with Eric the Midget. Natalie said she couldn't do that. Howard said he liked that Kurt Angle offered up his ass to Eric.
Howard sent Natalie and Fred out to practice while Steve Langford came in. He said that this woman on the phone who suggested it sounds really hot. She sounded kind of sleepy but Howard thought it was sexy. She was 23 years old and Howard asked if she was hot. She said that she's been told she is hot. She's going to Buffalo University. Artie said he'll be up there next year sometime. That led to Howard talking about going to Upstate New York one time and his friend was on speed as they were driving up. He said they got pulled over but he didn't know the guy was on speed. The cops took all of their money.
Fred popped in and said that they should be ready to go in about 5 minutes. He said he just had to write up the chords and he'd be ready to go after tuning up.
Howard asked the caller, Nikki, about how hot she is. She said she's 5'9'' tall and she was wearing panties while she was under her quilt. Howard asked if she fucks a lot of guys up there. She said that she actually doesn't. She said that this is her first semester up there after transferring from Binghamton. Howard said that sounds like a horrible path to go down. Nikki said that she's been told she looks like Alicia Silverstone, when she was still hot. Artie told her to drive to Boston and see his show there.
Howard said that this chick is 5'9'' and looks like Alicia Silverstone, that's pretty hot. Howard asked her if she's ever gone down on a girl. She said she just did that a few weeks ago. Nikki said she met the girl in high school and she came up to visit her in Buffalo. They didn't get it on in high school. Howard asked how it happened. She said that the other girl had a thing for her and they got a little drunk. She said they were at the other girl's boyfriend's house one time and she kissed her. She said the other girl has been after her ever since.
Nikki said that they were just laying in bed the day her friend came over to visit. She described what they were wearing and told Howard how it all went down. She said they started kissing with the other girl kissing her neck. Then they took off their clothes. Howard asked her about going down on the other chick. Nikki said that the other girl went down on her first.
Fred and Natalie came back in and said they were ready. Howard said that Nikki is the reason that Natalie is going to be performing. Howard asked Nikki what she wants to do when she's done with school. Nikki said that she's going to school to be a nurse.
Howard asked Nikki about the other girl licking her ''vagine'' and how many times she came. Nikki said that she was there a day and a half and they didn't get out of bed the whole time. Natalie asked her if she ever got out because it sounds like she's still in bed. Nikki said that she doesn't have a class until 3 today.
Howard asked Nikki if she had a picture of herself on her Myspace page. She said that she does have a picture up there. She wasn't sure if she wanted to give it out. She said it was Myspace.com/litcandle7. Benjy pulled it up real quick and checked it out.
Artie was blown away by how hot she was. Howard said that she was pretty cute. He said that she looked pretty wholesome.
Howard said that Nikki never got to hear Natalie perform this song so that's why she called in. Natalie was ready to go so Fred started off playing guitar while she sang the song. The song was written by a fan of the show, Lonnie Heckman, who passed away just months after Howard first played it on the air. Natalie performed it at Howard's wedding.
Howard thanked Natalie for doing that for them today. He said he's going to play that for Beth since she missed it at the wedding too. Natalie is going to stick around for the Wrap Up Show today.
Gary said that today's Google Trends show that Diana Degarmo is the number one most searched term this morning. Natalie was upset that she wasn't on there.
Howard asked Nikki if she was happy with that performance. Nikki said that she did like it. Artie told Nikki that he'll meet her like halfway between Boston and Buffalo. Howard let Nikki go and said that was the future Nikki Lange.
Steve said that they have a story about Eric the Midget not selling any tickets to that appearance he made recently. He said that Johnny Fratto bought all 50 tickets to avoid the embarrassment. Howard said he should have had Steve in while Eric was there to talk about that.
Steve said that they have an interview with Sam Simon about Ralph being a good house guest. that led to Artie talking about how he hasn't been to Sam's house as much as Ralph has and he's known Sam for a really long time. Howard said even Natalie got wrapped up in all of that and she's hanging out with Ralph a lot.
Howard mentioned that The Simpsons is very close to being the number 1 longest running sitcom on TV. Robin said that they just canceled King of the Hill last week after they talked about how long it had been on.
Steve went through a couple more stories and Natalie sang a little ''Steve Langford has a Huge Penis'' for him.
Joey Boots called in and told Natalie that he loves her and wanted to ask her if she would be his fag hag. Natalie said absolutely. Joey said that she could e-mail him at JoeyBoots@aol.com.
Natalie said she heard Joey on the Craptacular last week. Artie said he went out and told High Pitch that he did good and managed to ''pull that one out of his ass'' last week.
Steve said that Richard was out dressed up as a Gammorean Guard for Halloween this weekend. He plugged some of the stuff they had coming up on Howard 101 and stuff like that before ending his preview.
Jon Hein came in and ran down his list of things that they were going to be covering today on the Wrap Up Show. Eric the Midget is going to be on the show so Howard asked if they're going to have Steve Langford talk to him. Gary told Howard that Eric might be on Shade 45 right now. His agent sent out a press release about all of this so he might be doing other shows.
Howard pulled up Shade 45 to see if Eric was on. They were playing music though. Howard asked why they would have him on Shade 45. No one had an answer.
Howard mentioned the awful pictures of him that were in the paper today. Natalie wanted to see them but Howard didn't want to show her. He told her that she's too pretty. Then Artie passed her his copy of the paper. Howard gave Artie a couple of ''Fuck you Artie'' comments.
Howard played the top 5 songs and said that Britney Spears is number 5 with Womanizer. Natalie said she kind of likes that song. Howard said he kind of likes number 4 which was Pink's song. He played some of that. Natalie said that she hated country when she was growing up and thought that she was going to be Madonna. Howard played number 3 which was Beyonce's awful song. Then there was Rhianna and at number 1 was T.I. Artie said that's all shit.
Howard said that he can see why people are into that stuff. He said they can dance to it. Artie said he could dance to Bad Company instead. He said that he dances with chicks once and that's it. He'll hook up with them and never dance again.
Robin read a story about the FCC and the TV networks fight over fleeting use of expletives. Right now the networks are subject to $300,000 fines. Now they're in court fighting about it. The Supreme Court is going to be hearing the case now. That led to Fred playing Iron Sheik ''You are gay and faggot'' audio clips. Howard said that all he knows is that he's out of that game.
Robin read a story about the accuracy of fast food orders being better if employees are fluent in English. Howard said that's pretty obvious. Robin read a story about some low calorie Twinkies coming out. Artie said he'll never eat those.
A Phone caller said that he got Artie's book last Friday when it came in the mail. It came in 12 days early. He said that Howard's foreword was great. Howard told him to call back with a book review when he's read it all.
The caller said that he wanted to go see Artie up in Toronto so Artie hooked him up with tickets. He told the guy to bring the book with him up there.
Robin read some news about the marathon and how actor Ryan Reynolds ran in it. She read that he was running for Michael J. Foxx's charity.
The guys talked about some of the runners in the marathon who end up shitting themselves. Howard said that Beth just stopped and went to the bathroom when she had to go. He said that she knew she wasn't going to win the race so she'd just stop.
Artie said that the last shit you take before the race is so important. If you don't go right before you go, you might shit yourself. Fred said that you could always shit yourself, stick your hands in your pants and throw it like a monkey. Natalie was saying that one of her favorite web sites is RateMyPoo.com. Robin had some audio clips of the winners from the marathon that she played before moving on.
Robin read a story about people dropping off their kids in Nebraska at hospitals because they've got this safe haven thing out there. Two teenagers were dropped off at a hospital out there over the weekend. Howard said that Steven Adler, at the age of 11, was kicked out of his house by his mom. Howard said he learned that on Celebrity Rehab. They spent a little time talking about that. Howard said that Adler's mother apparently picked her boyfriend over her 11 year old son.
Robin brought up Halloween and that led to Howard talking about how much he hates it. He said he hated the way they decorated his apartment building's lobby. He said he's glad that's over. Robin said that a woman was arrested for swinging a crowbar at trick or treaters. She first tried to run people over in her car. Fred threw in the Crazy Alice audio where she's yelling at people to ''shut the fuck up.'' Natalie asked where Alice has been because she hasn't been calling in. Howard said ever since Artie bought her something at the Yankees store she hasn't called in.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what Natalie was wearing today. Howard said she had some sexy shoes on and a tattoo on her foot. The caller asked for them to post a picture of her so he can maybe rub one out to that. Howard said she had a sheer shirt on that made her nipples kind of visible.
Howard said he thinks he just had phone sex with that dude. He was kind of describing what she was wearing as if it was him. The caller said ''that'll work'' at one point.
Robin read a story about how violent TV shows and video games can bring out aggression in kids. Howard said he agrees with that. He said that they don't have shows like Gilligan's Island anymore. He said that's what he used to have to beat off to. Robin said that they have much more graphic shows today than they did back then. Howard said he could beat off to the chicks on FOX news now. That's how hot they are over there. Fred threw in the ''Can I taste your juice'' ghetto porn clip that they've been playing lately. Howard asked Natalie if she would want to taste a man's ''juice.'' Natalie said that she wouldn't want to do that randomly, no.
Howard asked Robin to get back to her news, he was late for his nap. Robin said that they're expecting a major turn out for the voting. Artie asked if they're doing a show tomorrow. Howard said that they are. He said he's still not sure who he's going to vote for though. He said that he's pretty sure that they're going to vote for Obama. Natalie said she's going to be voting for Obama herself.
Howard wondered if any guy has ever beat off in a voting booth. He said there has to be some pervert out there who has done that. The guys were talking about how they're afraid when they pull the lever that they've voted for the wrong person.
Artie said that he was talking about how he was going to vote for Obama to the guys he hands out with and they all gave him shit so he told them he was just kidding. Artie said that he doesn't want any change because he's making almost a million a year looking at tits all day long.
Natalie said that she wants to see anyone who is better off today than they were 8 years ago. Artie told her that he is. He said that he doesn't want any change. Artie said that's what he's going to be talking about on Letterman on Wednesday when he's on.
Robin got back to her news and read some more stuff about McCain and Obama. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Natalie is one of the best guests they've ever had on the show. Howard said that she really is a good guest. He said they should have her on more often. Natalie said she would like it if they mentioned her name more.
Robin read more of the Obama and McCain stuff and played some audio clips. Howard asked her to rush because they were running a little late. It was already 11:05am. Fred kept playing the ''Obama!'' audio clip and Natalie said she wants that as her ring tone. Artie said he wants that squirting fart sound on his phone.
Robin said that people want to know what's going to happen on Wednesday morning if Obama isn't elected. There could be rioting. Artie said he doesn't think that'll happen. Howard asked Robin what she's going to do if he doesn't win. Robin said that Chris Rock was saying that people shouldn't expect any black people at work the next day if that happens.
Robin read through some stories about Jennifer Hudson's family funeral, Studs Turkle dying, Paris Hilton talking about being used and more. She had some audio of Paris talking about the upcoming election and how it's great to be a part of history like that. Howard said that he would probably kill Paris if he was dating her. He said that she's so annoying. Artie said that he was bored by her in 30 seconds when he met her.
Artie asked who Howard thinks is smarter, Paris Hilton or High Pitch Eric. Howard said it had to be Paris. He apologized to Eric for saying that but that's what he thinks.
Robin ended her news a short time later after saying that High School Musical 3 was the number one movie at the theaters this weekend. Howard ended the show around 11:15am.
Jon asked Eric who he hates more, Steve Langford or High Pitch. Eric said it's High Pitch because of how annoying he is.
Steve Langford was in the studio as well. Jon asked Eric what he was upset about Steve about. Eric said that he was getting too involved in his personal life. Gary said that's what a reporter does though. He asked Eric if any of what Steve said was untrue. Eric said he thinks Steve blew it out of proportion. He said he really didn't call that much.
Steve said that after today he thinks that they underplayed that story. He said Diana made it sound like there were a lot of phone calls. Steve said that anyone who has a story done about them is going to ask ''Why me?''
Natalie said she can't get past the big penis thing with Steve. Steve said that's alleged. Gary said that Steve has to report on everyone. Eric said that he does have a point there.
Jon said that Eric has called for Steve to be fired. Steve said that no one likes to be in the cross hairs and everyone wants him fired. Maybe he'll be fired some day, who knows.
Jon asked Eric if he wanted to say anything to Steve today since he's had so much to say over the past year. Eric said that things are okay between him and Steve right now. He said he's been giving Steve interviews lately. Steve said that it was very nice to meet Eric in person. He said that they had a story late last week about an appearance he was going to be making in February. Eric said that he's going to be doing a meet and greet the Arco Sports Arena and they're setting it up for him. He said that it's part of the Malouf organization so Gary pointed out that he was the one who introduced them to Eric.
Gary said that they sometimes have to drag thank-yous out of Eric when they do stuff for him. That's what he was talking to him about today. He said that Eric gets really angry at him when he doesn't call him back about stuff.
Jon asked Eric if he thinks he gets a bad rap for that stuff or is he really ungrateful. Eric said he has said thank you on air and Fred might play something over him or Artie will talk over him and say ''Bye'' as he's trying to get something out.
Natalie asked if Eric is going to remain the angry Eric that she loves. Eric said he's pretty sure that something or someone will piss him off and he'll be brought back into that mood again.
Steve asked Eric about something that Johnny Fratto said about buying all 50 tickets for the fans who showed up at Arco Arena. Eric said that was true and he was admitting to it since Johnny has already revealed it. Eric said she was signing autographs for people at the arena even though none of them actually bought tickets. Steve said that means that nobody bought a ticket other than Johnny. Eric said that they didn't do a good job of promoting it.
Gary said that Beetlejuice will get a couple hundred people to show up when he announces an appearance. Eric said that the tickets they were selling were just regular tickets and they were going to give him a small percentage of the tickets they sell to people who want to see him.
Jon said that he was thrilled that Eric was there and wanted to know who he was most thrilled to see today. Natalie told him to remember who is in the room right now. Eric said that it was cool to meet Natalie. He also thought it was cool to see Kurt Angle and Diana Degarmo. Eric said that it was thrilling to see Diana today. He said that he's met her a couple of other times and got to hang out with her.
Jon asked Eric what was going through is mind at the point when Diana came in and Howard asked him to ask her out. Eric said that it was kind of tough to do it on the show like that. He said he's kind of glad the way things turned out. He said she didn't say no to him when he asked her out. Natalie said she didn't hear a yes either.
Jon asked Natalie if she would still go out to dinner with Eric. Natalie said it depends and asked him where he would bring her. Eric didn't know where to go.
Natalie said that she's afraid that Eric is going to out grow Johnny Fratto. Eric said that he's still doing stuff with him. Natalie said that Eric might be making more money for Johnny than he's making for himself. She said she loves Johnny though.
Eric said he didn't really get to meet Fred today. He never got to shake hands with him. Gary asked if he thought anyone was different when he met them. Eric said that the camera angles were odd on TV but that was about it.
Jon asked Eric about the time he threatened to break all of Fred's fingers when he played that ''Zero point zero'' clip. Eric said he did that. Gary wanted to know how he could do that. Eric didn't really have an answer for that. Gary said it's much funnier to have Eric there and it's much funnier when he's in the studio.
Jon played a clip from the show where Diana Degarmo came in to meet Eric. That's when Eric agreed to doing the Real Doll thing. Jon asked Eric if he thought they actually had Diana Degarmo there. Eric said he didn't think that she was really there. Natalie said that it was great to see Eric not able to look at Diana when she came in. She said it's worth checking out on Howard TV.
Ralph called in and told Eric he blew it with Diana today. Ralph told him he should have started out slow with her like he did with Natalie. That led to Jon and Gary asking Natalie about Ralph hanging out with her so much lately. Natalie said that Ralph is great and she enjoys hanging out with him.
Ralph said it was great to hear Fred play today but the guitar was too loud. He said that Howard was nuts with the morning zoo sounding clip this morning too. Gary said that he heard that and he didn't like it either. Gary said that all of them were against it except for Howard.
Jon asked Eric what he thinks about Ralph. Eric said he's annoying. Ralph said he's one of his biggest fans and he's just trying to have fun with him. Eric said that he calls in way too much. Ralph said that's coming from someone who is on the phone every morning.
Natalie asked Eric if he would go out to dinner with her if Ralph was with her. Eric said he's not sure about that. Natalie asked if he would go out if it was Ralph and Diana Degarmo. Eric said maybe to that. Natalie said that it must be her then. Eric said he didn't know that she left herself out of the second offer.
Ralph told Eric that he has to start out slow and not just go for it the way he does. Jon asked Eric if he would like it if he hung up on Ralph and moved on. Eric said that would be nice. Jon honored his request and hung up on him.
Gary said that it was funny how Eric was naming a couple of American Idol singers as the special guest that was going to come in today.
Jon asked Eric if he regrets agreeing to have the Real Doll made. Eric said he only agreed to the measurements. That doesn't mean it won't be made though. Gary said they're going to have some fun with the doll and it won't be so bad. Jon had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks that Natalie is a bigger than that even Eric is. Gary said that she claims that she hasn't missed a show since they moved to SIRIUS. She said hat she may have missed a show or two but she can tune in at any time of the day to hear it.
Eric said that he goes on trips and stuff and has probably missed a few shows. Eric said that he thought Natalie was good on that show. Natalie joked that she blew him earlier so that's why he's okay with her now.
Gary told Eric that he has to admit that he's gotten some work out of this show and he gets to do a lot of stuff because of them. Eric said the downside is that his parents aren't happy with some of the stuff that's come out on air. He said that he catches the crap from them afterward.
Gary asked Eric how he's supposed to get laid if he can't do it the way he is. Eric said that his parents own the house that he lives in and they have to follow his parents rules. He said that's why he's in the situation he's in now.
Gary asked Eric if he gets SSI. He does. That's why he started to do the store he has at JFSC.tv/eta. He said his parents were okay with him doing the show today but they didn't want him revealing too much. He said that he didn't want to let the two girls take control over what happened last night.
Natalie asked Eric if they're going to hear about this or just read about it on that web site (this one) that they read. Eric said they just read about it. They don't have a radio.
Natalie said that Eric seems to be happy and his parents should be happy for him. He said that he's having fun and getting to do things that maybe he never thought he could do. She said she hopes that they can still love him as their son even though they do read about what he does.
Natalie said that she wants Eric to get a manager and maybe start making money of his own so he doesn't have to rely on his parents.
Jon asked Eric about the girls he claims to have been with. He wondered what Eric thinks of the people who think he actually didn't have sex. Eric said that those people are wrong.
Jon asked Eric why he wasn't clear on how many times he finished with the girls. Eric said that he thinks that having sex with a real woman is much better than having sex with his bed. Gary said that you know what it feels like to finish. Eric said that he knows the feeling when he gets the chills up and down his back. He said that sometimes he thinks it's happened and it actually hasn't so that's what throws him off. Benjy asked Eric if he has regular ejaculate. Eric said that he thinks he does.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it was great to hear Eric on the show today. He asked Natalie about the ''When I See Beth Smiling'' song and said that maybe they should put the song out and raise some money for charity with it. Gary said that they thought the song was really bad when they first got it but when someone performs it, the song is actually very good. The writer, Lonnie Heckman, isn't with us anymore though.
Natalie said she heard an interview with Lonnie's mother and she didn't seem too thrilled that she was the one who performed the song at Howard's wedding. She said she thinks that Lonnie's mom might be a Republican.
Gary said that he definitely thought about Lonnie during that song. He said that he would be so thrilled if he were still alive. Lonnie was sick for a long time but the guys weren't sure if he knew he was going to die. Gary said that he had to tell a few people the story at the wedding because they didn't know the history of it. It made the performance all that much more touching.
Natalie told the guys some more about the guy who was doing the James Taylor songs. She said that the guy kind of pushed the microphone away from him when she told him that she was going to perform the song alone at the wedding. She said that the guy actually cracked her up. Gary mentioned that James Taylor is going to be on the show soon actually. Natalie said she didn't think that he would be coming back after the interview with Carly Simon and their son. They had to end the show after that.
Howard started off the show talking about the Dante show that was on Howard 101 last night. He said that Dante was the first finalist in the ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' contest. Howard said the guy has his own thoughts on the McCain and Obama thing. He said that he had a bunch of different topics that the younger people should have enjoyed. He said he was very compelling and Howard said he hated to walk away from the radio when he had to. Artie said he listened too and he was very easy to listen to.
Howard said he took some phone calls and ended up getting into an argument with Joey Boots. Howard said Joey was saying that he thought Natalie Maines and then Dante went off on her and said she wasn't that good looking and Joey got offended. Howard said it was funny but he's sure Natalie didn't appreciate it.
Howard played some audio from the show where Dante insulted Natalie. Howard said he didn't even want to repeat what the guy said because he likes Natalie so much. He said he doesn't want to censor anyone though. Howard said he'd fuck Natalie very hard if he had the chance.
In the audio clip Joey Boots called in and told Dante that it was wrong to call Natalie a fat pig. Joey told Dante he belongs on NPR radio and he would beat the shit out of him if he were there. Dante said he was sorry he didn't shit into a bag like Joey does. Then Dante went off on Natalie again and said he wouldn't even fuck her with Joey's dick.
Howard said he's sorry Natalie had to get involved in that. Howard played another clip where a caller asked Dante about Natalie being a real cunt. That's the clip where he calls Natalie a fat pig and talks about her how she shouldn't be on anyone's top 10 list of good looking chicks.
Howard said he heard that part of the show live last night and that was a low blow to Natalie. He said that she's really such a doll. Robin told Howard that he attacks women's looks all the time. Howard said he doesn't do that with friends though.
Howard said that they had gotten into a fight with Bon Jovi after the other radio stations wouldn't let them come on his show. Howard said they didn't want to look like pussies and Bon Jovi didn't want to look like a pussy so it got into a pissing contest and it was really infantile.
Howard said he was pretty brutal and went off on John back then pretty bad. He said it was a 20 minute thing that he had been listening to recently so he didn't want to play it. Howard said that when he heard Dante going off on Natalie, it brought back those memories.
Howard said that Natalie is almost like George Takei in the way she's been getting positive feedback after being on the show. He read through some of the feedback they got about her yesterday and everyone was talking about how great she was on the show and how cool it is that she's such a superfan. One person even suggested they add her to the show as a regular. Someone suggested that they let her come in for a week at a time like they do with George Takei.
Howard said the show was great yesterday with all of the special guests they had in. He took a call from a guy who agreed with him on that. The guy talked about how great the guests were.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard used to say mean things about Natalie back in the day. Howard said that she ended up being his hero after he did go off on her. He said that she went up against her own fans and said that this war in Iraq was insane. He said that they turned out to be right about that. Fred said it took balls to do it and she was very brave to do it when she did.
Howard said that Larry is scary to people and he doesn't believe anything the guy says. He thinks that people just think that he's nuts and they'll say anything to get him away from them. Howard said Larry looks crazy and he's very hyper around people. He said he looks homeless too.
Howard said that Larry came running toward him with one of his big signs and it's the scariest sight. He said that you get a chill up the back of your spine when you see this maniac running at you. Howard said that Avril would have said she loves Hitler just to get him away from her.
Howard said that Larry doesn't even work. Larry said he's an accountant from January to April. He mentioned that he used to do Dice's taxes. Howard said they know that, they've been hearing that for the past 20 years.
Artie said that he used to see Melrose out on the street in L.A. and he was going to work one day out there on his first day and there was Melrose standing out on the street with signs. He said that he thought they were blowing it out of proportion and it turns out they weren't at all.
Robin said that she was out doing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and The Tonight Show, many years ago and Melrose ended up getting to her dressing room door at the Tonight Show. He was there with his huge signs just standing there all alone.
Howard said that Larry is scary and he doesn't know it. He said it's almost like a Terminator where people have to get the message in their head that tells them not to terminate him.
Larry said there are two personalities in him. He said that he's Larry Greenblat to some people and Melrose Larry to others. He said his clients know him as Larry Greenblat which is much different than Melrose.
Larry was telling Howard about how normal he is when he's an accountant. Howard told Larry that he looks crazy though, that's what he's talking about. Melrose said that he likes that they let him be a part of the show even though they are so different.
Howard said he was watching that show Extra last night when he was out with Beth and his daughter. He was watching them doing a report about this chick who did the Bachelorette show. She ended up picking a professional snow boarder to be her husband and the guy ended up crying on TV last night about how she broke up with him. Howard said that snow boarding is like what Melrose does. It's not a real job and a chick isn't going to be into that for too long. He said the guy had snow boards on his wall in his cabin and chicks aren't going to put up with that.
Howard said he told Beth that the Bachelorette is looking for a dude who can take care of her, not the other way around. He said that's like what Melrose is like doing his taxes for a few months a year. Howard said the Bachelorette chick finally woke up.
Howard said that he can't imagine he gets any chicks. Melrose said that he can get chicks now that he's in this band. He said that he got a chick about 2 weeks ago. Artie said that they did some gigs with Melrose when they were out doing comedy and he never saw him with any chicks.
Howard asked Melrose about the woman who was giving him sex like once a month. Larry said he didn't remember that. Howard asked him what the arrangement was. Larry didn't want to talk about it. He said that she was giving him oral twice a month. Howard said he was paying for her apartment and stuff like that for her. Larry said it wasn't everything.
Larry said that he hasn't really gotten laid in years other than the groupie that he had about 2 weeks ago. Artie sounded surprised that he had groupies.
Gary came in and asked Larry about his job and how much money he makes doing that. He said he didn't think that he was working that much. Gary said that he used to fly out to New York more often than he does now. Larry said he still comes out there. Gary said it's not as much as it used to be though.
Larry was saying that his brother thought he had lost his mind. He went on to say that he ran into someone from the band The Knack and he wants to come on the show. Howard said that he's not looking to have him on the show at this point.
Howard said someone probably told Larry who the guy was and he went over and bothered him. Larry said that he works with him so he didn't have anyone introducing him.
Howard said they put Larry in the opening to the E! show at one point. He said he had to work with him all day long and he told him to control himself. He said that Larry was able to do that for that one day. He said he might be insane putting him in that opening but he was able to handle himself okay. Howard said this was the best conversation he ever had with Larry that day.
Larry said he ran into someone else that no one knew. Howard ended the call a short time later and told him to have a good time holding up his signs.
Artie said that he can't even get into shows as easy as Melrose does. Even when he's a guest on the show he can't get in that easy.
Howard said that Demi Moore is one of those people who is into crap like that. He said that she was into that Kaballah stuff too. Howard told people to calm down with the psychic stuff. He said he won't believe we're in a recession until all psychics are gone.
Robin said that they have a psychic there at SIRIUS that comes in and does a show every week. Howard said that he stock isn't doing that good right now and maybe it's time to fire a few of those people.
Howard said that he was right about the Heroes show because they just fired a couple of the producers over there. He said he thought it was just starting to get good again but now they're shaking it up again.
A caller said that Howard is very influential and yesterday Diana Degarmo was the number one search on Google Trends. Gary came in and explained what that trends thing is because it's the biggest percentage of a jump in searching for that day, not which term is the most searched. Gary said it's not that great for the person who ends up at number one because it could mean that no one was searching for her before she was on the show.
Howard said that he didn't think that Eric the Midget was all that excited about Diana yesterday. He said that Eric is getting laid by these whores now and he doesn't have to work to get them.
Gary asked how long they're going to put up with Eric at the Bunny Ranch. Howard said that they're going to put up with him as long as they get plugs on the show.
The caller was making noise on the phone so Howard asked him what he had to ask. The guy asked to see the picture of him and Eric up on his web site. Howard said he'd put that up today.
Howard got back to the Eric thing and said that they're eventually going to get burned out on talking about Eric getting laid and then they're going to take away the whores. Gary thinks that Eric will help them out and annoy them so much with his texts that they'll stop giving him the free stuff.
Howard said that even with him he has to take a break from Eric once in a while. He said that people did love the show with him yesterday though. Eric stuck around to do the Wrap Up Show with Natalie Maines.
Howard read some of the feedback that they got about Eric's appearance. One guy said that he'd pay 30 bucks a month to hear the show. Howard said he should be careful saying that, Mel (Karmazin) might just start doing that if he hears people are willing to pay it.
Howard read some more mail and people were liking Eric and all of the other guests they had on. One guy thought that it was too much with the guests and they just wanted to hear Eric interviewed. Howard said that you have to pepper his appearance with guests because he's boring alone. He said he was on the Wrap Up Show and when he was talking alone it was like watching paint dry.
Howard said that the rest of the guys are going to pick the next finalist. They were going to offer a British guy a shot but he wasn't able to leave his job to do the show.
Howard said he's glad that Joan Rivers is coming in today. She's involved in the Phil Spector trial so he wants to ask her about that. He read that Phil was kicked out of Joan's Christmas party two times because he brought a gun in and allegedly said something about how all women should be shot.
Howard read an article about what went on with Spector and Joan. He said he has to ask Joan about what went on there. Howard wanted to know how he got invited to her party twice if he once said that he should ''put a bullet in her head'' as he was getting kicked out. Howard said Joan must be so desperate to have famous people there that she's willing to have Phil come back even after that.
Howard said that Joan was bored out of her mind at his wedding and she had begged to come. He said he thinks that the wedding was the best wedding ever. He talked about Phoebe Snow performing a song and tearing down the house with that. Then Joan complained about her doing the song and asked him to tell her that she wasn't going to do another one.
Howard said that one of Beth's friends got up and said something about them and then Joan got up and talked about how boring this wedding was. Robin said that she won't even say what Joan was saying during that speech. Howard said Joan complained to him and he doesn't want to hear that during his wedding.
Robin said that Joan was miserable and she was saying that she likes to pretend that she's sociable. She said she's never seen her that miserable before.
Howard said Joan was with some dude and he has to ask her about that. Robin said she thinks she knows who that guy was but she can't remember who he was.
Howard said he didn't ask for gifts from anyone. He said that they did set up a link to a charity for the Hampton's Wildlife thing. He said that the people that run it are great and they don't have a lot of money. He said people could give gifts to that charity instead of giving something to them.
Howard said some people gave nothing but others gave a ton. He said that David Spade gave like 10 grand for the charity. Joan didn't really give anything. Howard said he wouldn't usually bring it up on the air but this is funny. He said that Joan gave him a wedding gift 2 days ago. She told Gary to let Howard know what she gave. Howard said he was waiting to hear the number. He heard that she's really proud of what she gave but she only gave $500. He said she's a multi-millionaire. He said that she wants him to jump through hoops for her and she thinks that's an insane amount of money. He said that David Letterman gave $2,500 to the charity.
Howard said Ross Zapin doesn't make a ton of dough but even he gave $1,500. He said that's a lot of money even though it's going to charity. Howard said that 500 bucks wouldn't buy one thing off of Melissa Rivers' gift registry.
Artie said that he looks like a bit of a shit head now. He said he did something that might make him look like an idiot. Artie said that there's a cap on how much you can give. He heard that he shouldn't give more than $2,500. Howard said there was no cap on it and that's still a lot of money and very generous.
Howard said they should have balloons drop out of the ceiling when Joan comes in and announces that she gave 500. Artie said that he should have them announce what they gave first and then have Joan announce what she gave.
Howard said that they had this really lavish wedding going on with Beth coming in dressed in a wild dress. Then Natalie Maines performs a song, Jimmy Kimmel makes a speech and then he and Beth get married after giving their vows. They did it quick so it wouldn't bore anyone. He said it wasn't a long wedding and there was nothing boring going on.
Howard said they walked out and went to dinner after an 8 minute wedding. He said that there were celebrities around and Al Rosenberg was telling anecdotes and stuff like that. He said they had some great food come out and then Phoebe Snow came out and did her thing. Then the toasts came up and people were saying some funny stuff. He said he doesn't get how it was boring to anyone.
Robin said that it was a very nice wedding and dinner. She said everyone was having a good time except for Joan. She wasn't even talking to Melania who was sitting right next to her. Howard said that maybe she wanted Phil Spector there. Howard said she might have had more fun if he had threatened to shoot her in the head.
Howard talked about how bad Joan's parties are. He said that she doesn't serve any food there and he thinks that maybe now that Joan is getting older everything is miserable for her. Artie said she did beg to go to the wedding though.
Howard asked how much better his wedding could have been. Robin said it was great and it couldn't have been much better than it was.
Howard said he thinks that Joan is officially out of it now. Robin said that she had Senator Al D'Amato at the table and she didn't talk to him or anyone else there. She said that Joan just kept her face in her plate. Howard said he can't imagine who she was waiting to meet there. Howard said she had Donald Trump's wife sitting next to her. She could have asked her how she met Trump or something like that.
Howard said that Joan could have turned to Scott the Engineer and asked him why he doesn't know how to work the equipment. Scott came in and said that his table wasn't all that great and they weren't able to hear the speakers.
Scott was also talking about how he doesn't eat fish and that's what they were serving at the wedding. Howard asked him if he does anything healthy. Scott laughed. He said his mother would make fish but he wouldn't eat it. Howard said his mother would make him eat it if she made it for dinner.
Gary said that he was told Scott went right to McDonalds after the wedding. Scott said it was actually Burger King. Howard said he used to go to those type of places when he was fat too. He said he was eating such huge amounts of food that he had to go to those places.
Howard told Scott he could have eaten pasta or something. He told him about the truffles too. Scott said he had some of those but he wasn't a big fan. Howard told Scott to stop being a baby.
Howard said that he doesn't respect people who don't eat fish. Howard told him that he's mad at Scott about that and it's the first time he's ever been mad at him.
Howard told Scott he should branch out a little bit and have some fish. He told him he's a mess and he should start eating healthier. Artie told Scott he really should have just eaten fish. He could have avoided all of this.
Gary said that there are some other people who are complaining about the fish only menu. Howard said they won't be invited to anything else then. There were a bunch of people out there complaining about the meal.
JD came in and said he ate the food. Richard said he ate it too but he's not a big fan of fish. He said his girlfriend is allergic to fish. Howard said there's no such thing as being allergic to food.
Gary said there are others out there who are upset about the food. Howard said that Richard is the guy who has eaten squirrel. Richard said that you have to do what you have to do to stay alive.
Howard said that people are babied and they don't just try new things. Gary asked Howard if there's anything he doesn't eat. Howard said he doesn't eat meat but that's a choice for health reasons. He said he likes the taste of it but he doesn't eat it.
Howard said that maybe they should have done the wedding differently. Scott said that it was fine but he went out and had a Whopper at about 1 in the morning. Howard told him to get a fish filet once in a while. Scott said he gets chicken sometimes.
Howard suggested that people at a roll if they don't like the food. He got a note from someone saying that Doug Goodstein's wife, Marlo, didn't eat the fish either.
Howard said they had this guy who did their show years ago. His name was Max Alexander. He used to play his agent on the show when he did characters. He ended up moving out West and got some gigs like doing Jerry Lewis' telethon. Now he's heard that he's got kidney disease and they're doing a benefit for him. Howard said they're calling it Comedy to the Max and they're holding it out in L.A. with guests like Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld there. Howard said you can find out more at ComedyToTheMax.com.
Howard said that he's going to give Jay Leno a pass today since he's doing that benefit. Howard joked that Joan just gave him a check for 3 bucks.
Howard said that he gets a lot of cool links from some of the guys there. He said that even Scott the Engineer finds some cool stuff on the web.
Howard said he got a note from Pat Monahan about his suggestion to go out on tour with the Led Zeppelin guys. Howard said that Pat told him that if he could get in touch with the guys from the band he'd love to do it. Howard wondered how he could get a hold of Jimmy Page to get him on the tour. Gary came in and said that they have the Led Zeppelin channel there and Scott Greenstein was handling that. He said he had to have made the deal with them directly.
Howard said that Scott Greenstein bullshits about the people who he knows. He said that he loves Scott but he thinks he bullshits about that stuff. Howard said that Scott has these big plans to do huge concerts and stuff but then he'll ask him to help get these people. Scott will claim he knows the bands but then he'll tell him that he needs his help to get them.
Howard said he's going to give this to Scott Greenstein to handle then. He said that he claims to know the guys in Led Zeppelin so maybe he can get in touch with the right people for Pat. Howard created what the conversation might go like when Scott tries to get a hold of them. It wasn't going to work out very well from what Howard was saying.
Howard said he heard a story about Scott the Engineer bothering Pat Monahan at his wedding. He said that he was probably trying to push his son's band with the guy. Scott came in and said that's not what happened. He said he spent a minute or two with Pat with his wife.
Howard asked Scott what he asked Pat about. Scott didn't get to answer before Howard went into his Scott impression and goofed on him. He was making up what that conversation must have been like as he was doing the impression.
Joan thought that she gave $1000. Howard told her that her people called Gary and told them what she gave and told him to make sure Howard knows what she got. Howard asked Gary who told him about this. Gary said he wasn't the one who got the call. Howard said he got a note about it and he's not sure where it came from. Gary said it may have come from Will.
Howard said he knows where it came from. It was from the charity itself. They said that Joan wanted him to know how much it was. Howard said that he figured Joan probably went berserk and gave a ton of money. Then he saw it was $500. He said that Joan must think that 500 is a lot of money now or something.
Howard said he felt funny about making a big deal about 500 bucks. Joan claimed that she really didn't know about this. She said she was probably working on Celebrity Apprentice and she never would have told them to let him know how much it was. She said her assistant handled that.
Howard said that it took Joan 2 years to get over the death of her dog so she must be attached to animals. Joan said she knows the name of every pelt on her fur coat.
Robin brought up how miserable Joan was at the wedding. Joan said that she had a great time there. Howard thought she was miserable too but Joan said she was wiped out from working on Celebrity Apprentice. Howard said they had a lot of great guests there. Joan said that it was funny and touching and she had a great time.
Howard said that Joan complained about Phoebe singing. Joan said she was just making a joke about her singing and she wasn't upset about it. Robin said she was complaining about everything though. Joan said she was just joking around.
Joan said that she really did have a good time but she was so tired. Joan said she was very happy to be there. Howard asked her who she was there with. Joan said that she brought David, who is the President of her company. She needed someone to hold her up. Joan said that she did that show and they had long hours. She said she can't say what the outcome was though.
Robin asked Joan what she thought about Chevy Chase's speech. She made a snoring sound. She said the wedding was great and she loved Jimmy Kimmel's speech and things like that. She said it was like friend's gathering there and she had a great time.
Howard said that he wasn't fishing for a gift or anything with the 500 bucks thing. Joan said that she feels horrible about that. Howard told her that David Spade gave $10,000. Joan said she's going to marry again and invite him to her wedding. Howard said that Spade is apparently a very wealthy guy.
Howard said that Joan is in the paper today about this Phil Spector case. She told Howard about how Phil pulled a gun on Walter Kronkite's daughter at her party. Howard said he read that she invited him to another party too. Joan laughed and said that he is a celebrity. Joan said that he was probably kicked out of the same party twice, not two parties.
Joan said that Phil was dating her assistant, Dorothy, at the time and he would bring a keyboard to the party and play for them. She said that he got drunk and then pulled out the gun on Kronkite's daughter. Joan said she ran off to her bedroom and Phil chased her up there. Joan said that her security guy pulled him down and took him out of the apartment. His keyboard followed the next day. Joan said that he was being dragged out and a neighbor came out and wished him a Merry Christmas. Spector said ''Fuck you'' as he was being dragged out.
Howard said that someone told him they heard Joan speaking at a breakfast recently and she alluded to the fact that someone ripped her off for some money. Joan said that the guy went to jail over that. She said that the guy got away with $36 million of her money. She said she's still paying for that but the guy is in jail now.
Joan said that the guy is safe in prison because he's so not hot. She said that she's into guys like George Clooney. She also likes Hershel Walker who she just did Celebrity Apprentice with. Howard said that he's black. Joan said that's right. She's never been with a black man before. She said she does like them though.
Howard asked Joan if she's going to vote for Barack Obama. Joan said she is going to vote for him. Howard said he has a feeling he's going to turn out to be as bad as Jimmy Carter but he can't vote for McCain. Robin told Howard to keep his vote if that's the way he's going to think.
Howard said he's heard that there are people who like Barack even though they're McCain fans. He said that the Sarah Palin thing is what has changed a lot of people's minds.
Howard akesd JOan about doing Celebrity Apprentice. Joan said taht she did it with Tom Green but she can't say anything about it. Howard said that he had the list of people that were on the show. He ran through that real quick. Joan wasn't going to talk about it but then she let it slip that Melissa made it right to the end. She realized her mistake and didn't say anything else about it.
Howard said that Joan is going to be at the Cutting Room until November 19th. She said that she did a play over in London too. Howard said she seems to be having a good time. He said he really thought she was miserable at the wedding. Joan said she really wasn't.
Howard asked Joan who does her hair because she looks good. She said that it's a man by the name of Raymond Rosario. She said she clips in some hair in there. She said that she only has a few clips in there though. Joan said that age really sucks. Joan said people only see a celebrity once and she figures she has to make a good impression when people see her.
Howard said he has to learn to listen to Joan. He said he put on a bad ski cap and a leather jacket and he looked like shit in the paper yesterday. He said he looked like an old Jewish washer woman. Howard said that no one will ever see a bad picture of him in public again. Joan said that you have to make your autograph legible too.
Howard gave Joan some plugs for her two books ''Men Are Stupid . . . And They Like Big Boobs: A Woman's Guide to Beauty Through Plastic Surgery'' and ''Murder at the Academy Awards (R): A Red Carpet Murder Mystery.'' Howard said that Joan is also going to be on QVC this month.
Howard said that he heard that Sal was claiming he was going to vote for Obama but someone drove by his house and he's got McCain signs all over his yard. It turns out he lied about it so people wouldn't give him a hard time about it on the air.
Howard heard that Joan went to a funeral recently. She said that she went to this artist's funeral and she sat right near Bill Clinton but he was busy with the nurses that were there. She said he was having a good time there. She said he wasn't fiddling around with them but he was talking to them. Joan said that the nurses were great looking and they wore low cut dresses and they ended up sitting them right next to Bill at this funeral.
Howard asked Joan how her health is. She said she's like a horse. Howard said he worries about her health. Joan said that she's fine as long as she can write a joke and things are great.
Howard gave Joan some more plugs and talked about her jewelry that she sells on QVC. Joan said that she designs it all and wears the stuff she sells. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said they're reporting really long lines for voting today. He said Tracy went over and voted this morning and said that it was like a fuckin' zoo. Robin said she was hoping to get in and out really quick. Howard said he likes being able to vote on the phone like with American Idol.
Howard said Gary gave him a big article about the FCC that he didn't quite understand. Robin started to explain it to him but it was the wrong subject.
Howard said that this article is something about companies wanting to create a huge wi-fi network that people will be able to use at anytime or something. Howard said he wanted to track Beth during the marathon but his phone wasn't easy to use to get on the web and stuff. He said they haven't perfected that yet.
Howard said that there are a few big companies that want this radio spectrum to use for wi-fi and they want more of the spectrum but people on Broadway are fighting it. He said that the microphone technology they use is going to be a problem because this wi-fi stuff is going to screw it up.
Howard said he doesn't care about the Broadway shows and hopes that they go through with this wi-fi plan. He said that plays are just horrible and he's yet to see a play that he doesn't think about doing something better as he's watching it. He said the Lion King was the exception there. Robin couldn't believe what she was hearing and told him he has to go see some of these plays that she's seen.
Howard said he's been to plays, when he was a kid, and he wanted to die during them. He said that they were just awful.
Howard said that if he went to see Sting and paid $100 a seat, he'd better be singing Roxanne. Robin told him about a play he did where he sang opera. Howard said he would never go to see that.
Howard said he's been dragged out to plays for various reasons and he thinks about watching great TV shows, reading books, being with his kids, playing chess or anything else other than being at the play.
Artie said he's only seen like one good musical. Howard said that one good one shouldn't be messing with technology.
Howard read more of the article where they talk about this spectrum that they'd like freed up to use this wi-fi tech. Howard said that if he were in the FCC he'd approve this in a second. He doesn't care about the wireless microphones. They're saying that the measure is predicted to pass.
Howard read more about who is going to be effected by this if it passes. It's going to effect live shows and not just Broadway shows. Live concerts, plays and sports could possibly be screwed up because of it according to the article.
Howard said he had 15-16 year old kids coming up to him and telling him that he's the man when he was out the other day. He said that the kids were 3 boys and they were breathless when they met him. Howard said they were going nuts not knowing what to say. He told Beth to check that out when they came up to him like that.
Artie told a story about James Coburn being offered some big amount of money to do commercials for Schlitz beer. He only had to say Schlitz Light and they gave him 2 million bucks. They went under 3 weeks later but they paid the guy what he asked.
Howard said he was reading that both McCain and Obama have lucky charms that they carry with them. Artie said that he hates to hear stuff like that. Howard said he does too. McCain carries a lucky rubber band. Howard said that's really lame. Obama has a monkey god charm that he carries. Howard said he's supposed to pull the lever for this guy today. He said that it's all superstitious crap and it's no different than those people who go to psychics.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about the psychic thing and how nutty that is. Howard said that he believes in god but only because he's in a panic that he's not sure where he's going to go when he dies. He said he knows that nothing is going to happen when he does die though.
Robin has gone to psychics before and she told Howard he's no different if he prays to god. She said that it's all the same kind of thing. That led to Howard playing a Jack and Rod Show bit where Sal and Richard used audio clips of Hank the Dwarf to talk to a psychic. She didn't know that he was already dead.
Howard said he really misses Hank. He said he wonders where he is now. Artie said he never got to meet him. He said that he died just before he started on the show. 9/11 came a short time later and everyone forgot about Hank. Artie said his knowledge of Rock and Roll was amazing. Howard said Hank died just 7 days before 9/11.
Artie said that Greg does a great show on Howard 101. He said he's a good interviewer. Last night he had Kevin Nealon on.
Howard said they're looking for funny chicks out there and they have a contest going on. You can find out more though HowardTV.com.
Gary came in and told Howard that Kevin Nealon was saying that Norm MacDonald told him that he's not going to do the Stern Show anymore. Howard said he'd play that after he gets through this phone call.
A caller said that the Dante show wasn't that great when he was goofing on Natalie Maines. He didn't like him doing that. The guy said he thinks that Ham Hands Bill should get a show. Howard said they'll be talking about that and picking the next person to do a show soon.
Howard played the clip from Greg Fitzsimmons show where he was talking to Kevin Nealon. Nealon was saying that he's not sure he would do Howard's show. Howard said he'd have him on anytime. He said he likes the guy even though he wasn't that great on SNL when he was doing the Weekend Update. He said that they didn't use him properly on the show. Artie agreed with him and said he just wasn't cut out to do that.
Greg was telling Kevin that he would be good on Howard's show. That's when Kevin said that Norm isn't going to do the show anymore. Howard said Norm had a good time on the show and he went to see him at Caroline's and they were fine.
In the clip Kevin Nealon was saying that Norm told him that Howard makes him say bad things about people. That's what he heard from him at some point. Howard said he's not sure there's anything there. He doesn't think that Norm wasn't going to stop doing the show based on that.
Howard said he liked Kevin because he did some great calls on Crank Yankers. He played an example of one of the calls he made where he keeps going ''mm hmmm'' as a woman is telling him about the car she's selling. Then he breaks into some monkey sounds until she hangs up on him. Howard said he hates when people give him that ''mmm hmm'' stuff but he liked that call.
Howard wondered if that's a true story. Fred said it sounds legit to him. Artie said he didn't even know that was the name of that song.
Howard read some other music facts that were in this article he was reading. Howard was looking for something in the article so Gary started to chime in to tell him where it was. Howard cut him off and said that he had already found it. He said Gary likes to come in and steal his thunder. Gary said he thought he was crumpling paper and he was done with it. Howard said that's part of his sound.
That led to the guys playing a Baba Booey song parody. Artie requested the Billy Joel Baba Booey song parody. Fred said they'd play that going out or coming back from a break since it's so long.
Howard said that the crumpling paper thing came from Rush Limbaugh because that was a thing he used to do. That got Artie doing his Rush impression and crumpling a lot of paper as he was talking about stuff. Howard helped him out with that by crumpling the paper on the microphone as Artie was doing his Rush impression.
Howard said that since this People Meter ratings thing started Rush doesn't have any listeners. He said that they're able to monitor what people are actually listening to now and they're not listening to Rush.
Artie talked about this Rush Limbaugh bit he was going to do at MAD TV where they were going to have Rush Limbaugh reading Rush songs. He said that some people got it and laughed in the read through but they ended up throwing out the bit. Howard said he was missing the crumpling paper thing in that bit, that's probably why they threw it out.
Fred played another Baba Booey song parody before Howard played a clip of Rush Limbaugh crumpling his paper. He said that he wasn't making that up at all and it sounded like some construction paper crumpling.
Howard wondered what Rush could be reading in those papers that's so important. He said it must be a joke book or something. Howard said he likes that the guy has facts on paper. Howard did an impression of Rush again and crumpled more paper as he was doing it. Howard joked that it was Rush crumpling up toilet paper to wipe his fat ass.
Howard had some edited audio book clips that Richard edited together. Howard wanted to play that stuff with the audio from Rush's radio show. He tried to do it but it didn't quite work because the audio quality was so different. He tried it a couple of times trying to make it work.
Howard had some pictures from their friend Hunter who is holding up the bomb that they wrote ''Howard Stern'' on before dropping it on the Taliban. Howard said Hunter is ripped now. Howard said he can imagine the family of the guy they killed with the bomb coming after him when they see a chunk of metal with his name on it stuck in the guy.
Howard said that we don't even get to see George Bush now that the election is here. He said he's probably in Camp David hiding from everyone and enjoying his final days there. Howard said that we'll know if McCain or Obama are good if they don't go to Camp David. He said that they should get rid of that Camp David and give it to the injured vets who are coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq. He said that's what he would do if he were President. He said he'd retire after that. Howard said he'd go down as the best President since Washington and Lincoln.
Howard said that Camp David is the downfall of the President. He said that Bush is rushing to get some stuff passed before he leaves office. He's trying to get power plants to be able to operate near national parks, getting wolves off the endangered species list and some other wacky things like that. Howard said he's going out of his way to get that stuff done before he's out of office.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Rush is a genius and he's got more listeners than Howard does. Howard said he's never had more listeners than him. Howard said that if he's going to base his success on money than he's more successful than Rush. Howard said that Rush could never get satellite radio to be successful than him.
The caller said that Howard is full of it because he doesn't have more listeners than Rush. Howard said that right now he might not because he's on satellite but when he was on terrestrial, he had more than Rush. Howard said that if Rush were on satellite he wouldn't draw anyone in. He said they'd get about 300 people to pay to listen to him.
The caller was arguing with him so Howard ended up hanging up on the guy. Gary came in and said that they had 19 million listeners with only 52 stations. Rush had 20 million with over 200 stations or something like that. Howard said that he would never go on that many stations like Rush did. He said that he's just going on and doing a commercial for the Republican party and he was doing it in the afternoons, not in morning drive.
Howard said that if you're going to base success on recognition and how much money he can make, he beats Rush hands down. He also beats him on hair. Howard said Rush might have him on looks.
Howard said it sounds like Robin is trying to be Rush Limbaugh ripping up a lot of papers this morning. She does that every day just like Rush.
A guy called in and said that he knows Howard said he was going to vote for Obama today. Howard said he could change his mind at the last minute. He said he might vote for McCain and not even tell anyone. The caller said that he thinks that he can't vote for Obama because of the way he was treated in Roosevelt. Howard said he's not like that and he could vote for a black man at any time.
Howard said he remembers when the white people were kicked off the school board and the black people took over. He said they put soul food on the lunch menu and the food was so shitty. He said even the black kids didn't like that shit.
Howard said he really doesn't know what he's going to do when he goes into the booth to vote today. He said that Sal actually lied about who he was going to vote for and has McCain posters all over his lawn. He called Sal in there and asked what was going on there. Sal said that he woke up in the morning and they were there. He said he doesn't know who put them there. Sal said he thinks it's the Jews for Jesus guy neighbor he has. He said that he's not sure who he's going to vote for and he's not even sure he's going to vote.
Gary said that was bullshit and Sal told someone last week that he had changed his mind on who to vote for. Sal said he did read a story about Obama and how he wants to raise taxes on people making $250,000 a year but hen he lowered it to $200,000. He said that he could get to that point eventually and he doesn't want to be taxed even more. Robin said that these people are thinking that they're going to be making that kind of money in the future and they're not thinking about what's going on right now.
Sal told Robin that she's trying to get that guy in office no matter what. Sal said he doesn't want Palin in office either because she's a typical woman who is a pain in the ass. Sal said he's going to regret it no matter who he votes for.
Howard asked Sal if he knows where Alaska is. Sal said it's got to be near Greenland or Iceland. He really didn't know.
Gary said that Sal makes all kinds of comments while he's watching TV and he said something about Obama already having a pack of black people around him. It was Obama's family. Sal said he didn't know that. Richard was the one who told Gary about that.
Sal was wondering if the real estate value of the White House is going to go down if Obama gets elected. Howard said the sad thing is that he's not joking.
Gary asked Sal if he really doesn't know where Alaska is. Sal said that it has no bearing on who he is or what he does. In other words, he didn't know.
Howard said he had to take a break but a caller was saying that he was shocked that Howard and Beth agreed on who to vote for. Howard said that they both agree on who to vote for.
The caller was also saying that he thought that the pictures of him in the paper this week were so bad because there was too much face there. He also said that he's starting to look like his father but told him not to take that the wrong way. Howard said he'd like to forget about those pictures. He knows how bad they look. He went to break after that.
Howard said Scott was calculating the kind of taxes they're going to have to pay if Obama gets elected. Jason came in and rebutted and said that it's not going to be all that bad.
DePace came in and said that nothing is going to happen to McCain so they don't have to worry about Palin. He said even if she does get in she won't be able to do anything wrong when she's in there.
Scott said that he's wondering why they have to raise taxes. Jason came in and said that it's not raising them, it's just going back to what it was in the 90s.
Howard said that he wants to know how much the taxes are going to go up if a guy is making 200,000 a year. Scott said that there will be a net increase there. Howard cut him off and wondered how much he's going to be taxed himself.
Scott said that there's going to be an extra $20,000 for every million he makes that will be taken out. That money is something he'll never see again.
Howard said that his father managed to save a lot of money over his lifetime and he's still able to live off of the little amount he made. He said that he was able to save it because he wasn't taxed to death. Jason said that he's the perfect example of why they should vote for Obama. DePace said that there's no reason to attack one group of people. Jason said it's not an attack.
Howard cut Jason and Scott off and said he's just going to vote for Obama. Scott was still trying to change his mind. Both Jason and Scott had more to say though. Howard said his head was spinning so he tried to end it. Howard said whoever becomes president has a lot to recover from. Scott disagreed that it was Bush's fault. Scott said that it wasn't Bush that brought the economy to where it is now.
Scott said that the country is not in the hole because of the war in Iraq. Jason disagreed and said that they could have bailed out the banks with money the government had if they hadn't sent it all over to Iraq to pay for that war.
Howard said that he heard that they're predicting that black people are going to riot if Obama isn't elected. Robin said that there are stories about the cops preparing for that kind of thing.
Howard played the audio of Chris Rock speaking at an Obama rally. Chris was telling people that McCain isn't in the same league as they are because he has $100 million. Howard said that Barack has millions too though.
Howard was defending McCain about being trapped in a tiger cage but Robin pointed out that he broke when he was over there in that cage and he admitted it. Howard said that he still wouldn't bad mouth the guy over his military service. Fred said that he was a shitty pilot that crashed 5 planes and anyone else would have been washed out if he didn't have his father and grandfather in the Navy before him.
Howard said that McCain is a war hero. Fred said he was just an unfortunate victim, not a hero. Artie said that six years in a tiger box could fuck a guy up. Fred pointed out he went home and left his wife. He said that he was sleeping with that Cindy McCain chick while his wife was on life support.
Howard said that he'd want to get a hot chick when he got out of Vietnam too if he were McCain. Howard anted to get off of that after that. Fred said that McCain was being tortured over there and he thinks that he must have some shit running around in his head. He said that he may not be as stable as he needs to be to be President of the United States. He pointed out that he did pick Sarah Palin.
Howard played a voice mail from Hate Man who was giving his endorsement to Barack Obama. Hate Man said that he's racist and a hate man but he's going for the ''monkey mother fucker.'' Hate Man said that he thinks he can do a great job. He was being serious for a minute but then went off on Howard about being a Big Bird mother fucker who should have run in that marathon.
Howard said that Hate Man was doing a Don Rickles kind of thing getting serious there for a minute. He wondered if he's really going to vote for Obama. He said maybe he's doing that so he can use the N-word when he talks about the President.
Howard had a song parody with the Gary choking clip in it that he played about 3 seconds of before getting Steve Langford in there.
Steve came in and said they have a story about the Geo Group that ran the jail where Kenneth Keith died. Steve said that they laughed out loud when he tried to question them about another case where someone was killed during a fight. Steve said that they've had an unusual amount of deaths at their prisons. Steve said they haven't posted video of the press conference as promised.
Steve said he asked them about Kenneth's death too and they didn't laugh, they just said they had no comment. Steve said that they appear to be some ''sinister mofos'' from what they've seen so far.
Steve said that Johnny Fratto shot back at Natalie Maines and said that he hasn't made a cent off of Eric and maybe she should take care of the miserable midget.
Steve said that they have a story about a club that had a billboard saying that they love Ronnie the Mambo Man. That led to them talking about Ronnie's Mambo cologne. Howard said Beth smelled that yesterday in the car. Howard played Mike Morse's ''Ronnie Loves Mambo'' song parody too.
Howard talked about how Ronnie used to have Playboy mud flaps on his limo when he first started driving him. He said he had Playboy napkins in the car too. He eventually gets rid of that stuff and he figured that the Mambo will go away too.
Ronnie came in and said that he's got no reason to get rid of Mambo. Howard said that Beth doesn't like it but Ronnie said that she should have said something to him. Howard said Ronnie stopped wearing the mock turtle necks because they goofed on him. Ronnie said that's not true. Howard said he stopped using the Just for Men in his beard but Ronnie said that wasn't true either.
Howard said Ronnie had a mullet for a long time too. Sal came in and said that the Mambo stuff literally smells like an old man. He brought in a bottle of the stuff for Howard to smell. Sal thought it smelled like Old Spice. Howard said it's a spray bottle and a lot came out when he sprayed it. He said it's a really strong odor.
Howard said that stuff will take over any stank. Sal said it smells like when you walk into a funeral home and they're trying to cover up the smell of death. He said it's like a potpourri or something.
Ronnie said that he's voting for Obama today. He said it really doesn't matter anymore and he didn't have any reasons for voting that way.
Steve said that they've got a lot of election coverage coming today on many of the SIRIUS stations today. Steve also got in some plugs for Jackie the Joke Man and Riley Martin's shows that are on tonight.
Howard said that the Mambo stuff was permeating the room now that he put it on his wrist. He had Artie spray some on his wrist. Artie said it's almost like spreading acid or something. He said it looks like something from the Rockford Files or something. Jon Hein came in after that and ran down his list of subjects for Today's Wrap Up Show.
Howard read that they're making the movie in four 20 minute segments. Artie said that he smells a Curly role in his future. He said he wouldn't shave his head though.
Robin read a story about how they're putting tracking devices in lingerie now. Howard said that if you have to do that with your woman, it's just over. He said that's really lame and for people who are just miserable.
Robin was saying that she was reading about why people have pubic hair and Howard was right about how they believe that it was to trap odors down there. They don't know that for sure though. Howard said that maybe it keeps dust mites out of women's vaginas too. Robin said another theory was that it was for friction and it keeps the skin from sticking. Howard said that might be right because his balls do stick to his thighs when he shaves them down.
Robin read a story about how two men died after running the Marathon over the weekend. Robin said that some people collapsed and had to go to the hospital but didn't die. There were bound to be some cardiac cases when they have 40,000 people running the marathon.
Robin read a story about some people who are charged with letting their child die while they stood by and just prayed.
Robin said that there's a new piece of software called the Jewberry that informs people of the prayers they're supposed to say every day.
Robin said that they were talking about Seth McFarland the other day and weren't sure where Family Guy stood as far as being on the air. Howard said he didn't even know what that show was. Artie told him about what it was and Howard didn't have a clue about it. Robin said she watches it and loves Stewie. She said that Seth has been given a $100 million deal to keep Family Guy on the air.
Howard said he got a photograph from Gay Ramone of John Lennon that he was going to hang in his office. He said he's not sure he can do that though because there must be something wrong with it. He said he got a great chess set from another couple. He said that he thinks it was very expensive but he's not sure.
Robin read a story about 4 Roman Catholic priests that were found to be sexually abusing children. One of the guys is already dead.
Robin read a story about how women have more germs on their hands than men do. Howard said that's because their hands are busy with their ''vagine's'' or maybe with guys cocks. Robin said that the scientists think that maybe men's hands are more acidic than women's are and that's why they have less.
Howard played the latest voice mail from Blue Iris. She left one for Richard where she said she's using an oxygen tank now but she's still working out in the gym. She's also going to be making a porn movie in December.
Robin read a story about how there are some police who have been instructed to have their riot gear ready for tomorrow if Obama isn't elected. Howard said he was asked if he thinks a Jew or a woman would be elected first. Howard said that he said a Jew will never be President. He said that Bloomberg would be a great president though. He said that's the guy who should be running.
Robin said that things have changed a lot since she was a child and she wondered if Howard would be proud if a Jew was elected President. Howard said he doesn't think he would be. Robin said that there are some people out there who think that it's the end of America.
Howard told Robin that he's wearing NBA socks today. He thought they were Knicks socks but then said they were NBA socks. It wasn't clear why he mentioned that. They had to take a break after that.
After the break, around 10:30am, we heard a prank call that Richard made to a call in show. Howard came back a short time later and asked Robin to put her headphones back on so she could get to her news.
Robin got back into it and said that she had a story about Sarah Palin being in very good health. Howard said that's the problem. He said the problem is that she's going to be around.
Howard said his cell phone has a sun protector as an option. He said if it was that important they should have made it standard with the phone.
Robin read a story about a guy up in New Hampshire who cried during a speech he was making. Robin read that Obama's grandmother died on Monday. Obama was raised by his grandmother. Robin said her driver thinks that he's going to win because he just announced that she died.
Robin read a story about the Presidential campaign being the most expensive one in history. She wondered if there's going to be a record turn out for this one too. Robin said that John McCain and Barack Obama are still out campaigning. She had some audio of McCain making a speech somewhere. She also had Barack Obama talking about his grandmother's death. Obama said that it was hard to talk about and didn't want to spend too much time on that subject.
Howard said he got a note from someone who said that Soupy Sales is confined in a wheelchair and he's still welcoming people to send him fan letters. Howard gave out the address and said that he and Soupy made peace with each other many years ago on the channel 9 show. He said Soupy was his boyhood hero and the first guest they ever had at NBC. Howard said he did apologize for what he did to him over at NBC.
Howard said he hates that he cut Soupy's piano wires. He said that he wasn't responsible for the treatment they got over there. You can write to Soupy at:
1000 American Media Way
Boca Raton, FL 33464
Howard also got in a plug for the Max Alexander benefit show. Robin read through some more stories about Carrie Underwood and some other American Idol contestant's new music.
Howard said it would be funny if they woke up tomorrow morning and Obama is the winner and is wearing one of those big grills over his teeth.
Robin had some news about the new movie ''Zack and Miri make a Porno'' movie. She had some audio clips of the stars of the movie talking about making it. Elizabeth Banks was talking about how Kevin Smith told her that he could make sure that her bits and pieces were covered up in the naked sex scene. Howard asked if Kevin Smith is a gay man because he talked her out of doing a sex scene. They goofed on Kevin about that for a few minutes. Howard pretended to be a director who only wanted to see nips and stuff like that. Howard said that he would have the chick jerking him off.
Robin read a story about a movie that was made before Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes passed away. they were both in the movie ''Soul Men.'' She had some audio clips of Samuel L. Jackson talking about the movie and Bernie Mac's death.
Robin had a story about Jada Pinkett Smith talking about the new animated movie she did a voice for. Robin said she had audio of her talking about how people were going to be surprised when they heard about this. Howard said that no they're not, they're not going to see it.
Robin had some audio of Clint Eastwood talking about his new movie. Howard ended up goofing on him about how he never says ''cut'' during his filming. Robin ended her news with a story about Ivana Trump's fourth marriage coming to an end. She was seen out with a 23 year old boy toy lately. Robin said that she's been living apart from her husband since the wedding that almost didn't happen. Howard ended the show around 10:55am.
Jon played a clip where Howard first brought up how much it was when Joan came in. Gary said that $500 is a generous gift but it's not something you'd want to brag about if you're Joan Rivers.
Benjy thought that Joan just wanted Howard to know that she had given a gift through the charity and she just wanted to make sure that Howard found out about it. He doesn't think that she wanted it mentioned on the air.
Benjy asked Gary if he's comfortable saying how much he gave. Gary said he guesses he's okay with that. They talked about how much Ross gave and it was supposedly $1,500. Gary said it wasn't that much from what he heard. Gary said that he has to look into that. Then Gary said he wasn't going to say how much he gave.
Gary said that he and Fred talked about how much they gave and they gave about the same amount. Gary said he gave $1,000. Benjy said he gave $250. He said if he knew that Howard wasn't going to find out how much it was, he may have given less. He said that he's doing it for credit so he gave more than he would usually give.
Jon said that he gave $500 because Howard gave his daughter $500 for her Bat Mitzvah. Benjy thought he was giving to get credit but Jon said he was just reciprocating for what Howard gave his family.
Gary said he thinks that Ross may have given that $1,500 to Beth's charity and not to the charity for the wedding registry.
Jon asked about Joan and how she kind of laughed when she heard about the amount she gave. Gary said that she probably didn't know how much it was. Jon said that she also talked about how some guy ran off with $36 million of her money. Gary must have missed that part because he said ''Really?'' when Jon brought it up.
Benjy said that he and Artie were looking and laughing at each other when Joan was going off on Beth's best friend's speech and her looks. Benjy said he thought it was really sweet speech and the girl was really cute too.
A caller said that Joan is like Frankenstein and she has no right to be going off on people's looks. The guy also said that he thought it was low rent for Howard to bring up how much they gave. He said that Artie gave $2,500 and Ross gave $1,500.
Gary said that he and Howard are really good friends but Mary and Beth aren't that close but Ross's wife and Beth are very close so maybe that's why they gave more. That's his reasoning for it anyway.
Gary said that the wedding was very classy and the food was phenomenal. They had free booze and everything looked great. They also had a lot of celebrities there. Gary said it did get crowded at times so that was one negative. It was also hard to see and hear what was going on. They also had a limited dance floor. Jon said that's the kind of stuff that you have at any wedding though.
Gary said that his wedding was totally different but it was a lot of fun. He said that Howard and Richard Simmons were the biggest guests at his wedding. He said that he was barely at the wedding because it was his own. He heard from Howard that it was the best wedding he had been to. Gary thought he was kidding about that but then he gave his niece his number so she could get some advice about her wedding.
Benjy said he had a great time at Howard's wedding and it was a lot of fun. Gary said that it was one of the best he's been too.
Jon brought up the discussion Scott had about not eating the fish and going to Burger King after the wedding. Gary said that Howard and Beth love the restaurant and they wanted their friends to come to the place they like to eat. That place is a place you go where you don't pick from a menu, you let the chef pick what to serve.
Scott the Engineer came in and said that he does eat some kinds of fish but not that kind they had at the wedding. Benjy told him he could have had a vegetarian meal if he didn't want the fish. Scott said that he's used to having a choice of meat, chicken or fish at a wedding. He didn't want to eat the fish though.
Benjy said he thinks that Howard was upset because he wanted to please everyone there and Scott wasn't pleased. Gary said he thinks that Howard was surprised when it didn't work out. Scott said they do serve meat and chicken at that restaurant. Jon said that was up to Howard and Beth though.
Ronnie came in and said that Scott has been talking about this all day long. Ronnie said that he should have just spoken to some people at the restaurant. He said that he told the waiter that he wanted something other than the fish and the guy brought him a salad instead. Ronnie said the waiter was really nice and he brought him a salad after taking the tuna away. Ronnie said he ate the egg thing and the tortellini but not the fish. He said he's not crazy about fish so he asked for some more tortellini. Ronnie said he went out to White Castle at 4 in the morning though.
Gary said that if Scott had done the same thing someone would have gone off on him about that too. He said that Howard could spin it any way. Ronnie figured he was going to get screwed since he brought that up then. Gary said that he might not.
Jon took a call from a guy who brought up the way Howard has gone off on people like Artie when he didn't have a vegan meal for Robin at his party. Gary said that's true. He said he thinks that Howard probably just assumed that everyone eats fish.
Another caller asked what happened to the money that they got for that charity. Gary said it all went to the Hampton's Wildlife Foundation. Howard didn't need the money or gifts so that's where they had their gifts going instead. The caller also said that Scott was a dick for complaining about the food.
Scott said that he didn't complain about the food at the wedding. He told the guy that he doesn't like fish so he's sorry about that. He said he just didn't eat it.
Scott didn't like his seats either. He was seated with a bunch of people from the show and he said there were a few people who didn't eat the fish.
Jason said that he heard they were talking about his menu. Jon said they hadn't gotten there yet. Jason said that he thought Howard's wedding was fun but his is going to be a lot of fun too. He said his might be fun in another way other than Howard's.
Jason said he loves fish so he won't complain about it. He knows that there were some people at his table that didn't eat the fish and he thinks that it was probably 1 in 5 who didn't eat it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he can't believe that Howard busted Benjy's balls about the vegetarian meal so much before the wedding and then went off on Scott about not eating fish.
Jason said that Howard is the first one to complain about what people eat. Gary said he'll also complain about the service at restaurants and stuff like that too.
Benjy asked if it was really that big of a deal for him to ask for a vegetarian meal at Howard's wedding. Gary said that he did find it odd since he's not a vegetarian. Benjy said he knew there would be food he wouldn't like there so that's why he went that way.
Jon asked Will if Scott was complaining that night or just not eating. Will said that they were all busting balls at the table and they weren't that serious about anything. He said they were put in the back of the restaurant so they know where they stand now.
Scott said that Fred was seated in the back of the wedding too and he thinks that was a bit of a slight to him. Jason said he had a great table and got to sit right up near the front. Gary was right up front too but that's because he was in charge of the music.
Jason said that he's going to be sitting at Howard's table at his wedding. Gary said that means there will be an extra meal and room at the table.
Jason said that he's already got people complaining about where they're sitting. He said that he just wants people to stop busting his balls. He said he's got some people coming who have ex's showing up and they want to be seated at different tables.
Gary said that he went to a wedding one time and his wife was sitting directly across from his wife. He said that they did it to make some conversation. Jason said he hates that. He said he doesn't want to be forced to talk to strangers at a wedding.
A caller said that he thinks that Howard fucked up with the food. He said that every wedding has a good choice of food and they don't force you to eat just one type of thing. The guy said it sounds like he wasn't looking out for his guests. Gary said that Howard did seem surprised that people weren't interested in that meal. The caller said that it's a lack of thoughtfulness and a faux paux on his part. The guy said you offer chicken, steak and fish at a wedding because that's the tradition.
Jason said that he's going to blame the restaurant on this one and he agrees with the caller. He said it's up to the restaurant to offer you something else if you don't eat fish. Scott said they should have asked Beth and Howard if they wanted to serve people something other than what they like.
Scott said that he loved the wedding with all of the celebrities. He had a great time there even though he didn't like the food. Ronnie told him he already buried himself.
Ronnie thought Howard did it the right way and the restaurant did it the way they were supposed to. Jason said he thinks the restaurant dropped the ball and didn't do it the right way and that's it.
A caller brought up David Letterman and why he wasn't at the wedding. He was saying that Howard only goes on Letterman's show when he has something to promote. Gary said that's the whole reason you go on a show. The guy wasn't listening to their arguments and his connection was crappy so Jon let him go. They had to go to break anyway.
Doug Goodstein came in and said his wife didn't eat fish so she had a vegetarian meal instead. Jon said that he doesn't eat that type of food but he does appreciate the effort they put out to make it happen.
Jon said that Scott was apparently pissed about not getting something he liked. Jon thought it was funny how Scott thought that Fred should have been insulted being sat in the back. Doug said he kind of thought the same thing. Benjy said that it could also show that Howard wasn't trying to sleight Scott by sitting him in the back if Fred was back there too.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Jon why celebrities are so enthusiastic about Obama. Jon said that they must like his political stance. The guy asked about higher taxes. Jon said that you have to weigh the pros and cons about both of them and he's going with Obama even though he doesn't want higher taxes.
Jon said that he thinks Howard likes McCain but Palin scares the shit out of him. The caller said she's got more experience than McCain or Obama because she's run a city and a state. Jon asked him if she inspires confidence. The caller said that he went out and voted today and it only took him about 10 minutes to do it.
Jon said he wanted to make sure he was answering the caller's question about why celebrities like Obama. The caller wondered if they have their money off shore or something. Jon said that they probably just think McCain is the right guy to run the country.
Jon asked if DePace has anyone on his side there as far as McCain. Doug said he hasn't made up his mind completely yet.
JD said that he doesn't think that Obama is going to make as big of a change as people think he's going to. He said that he's going to vote for him though. Benjy said that he likes smaller government and he's not sure that McCain is about smaller government. He said he's going to write in a Libertarian candidate instead of either Obama or McCain.
Jon said he thinks that Jason will jump off the building if Obama doesn't win. Doug said there would be an earthquake if that happens.
Jon took another call about Howard's wedding. The caller said that Howard was wrong about only serving fish. He said that it wasn't a major faux paux but it was a mistake. He said Howard would be the first one to complain about that if he was the ''old Howard'' from years ago.
Another caller said that maybe the restaurant did suggest having something else and maybe Howard was the one who said no to that. He said that Jason saying that they didn't is wrong because he doesn't know for a fact that it happened that way.
Jon asked JD what he thought about that. JD said he zoned out and didn't hear what the guy was saying. Jon said that happened every time he's on the show. JD apologized for that. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about our new President. President Obama. Howard said Gary was the first one to make a stupid statement. Sal said something about him being president and taxes going up as of today. Howard said Gary told him that he's not president yet and Sal acted like he wasn't even born in this country. Gary had to explain to him that the taxes wouldn't go up the day he became President anyway.
Sal came in and said that he's glad that this is over and they're done pushing for him to be elected. Artie showed up late and said that his driver is black and he's never been late until this morning. Howard said that he saw some weird smiles coming from black people this morning.
Howard said that he voted for Obama yesterday. Sal said that he actually voted for Obama too. No one believed him.
Howard told Gary to come in and tell the story about Sal and is idiotic comment. Gary told Howard that Sal told Richard that he voted for McCain yesterday. Sal said he was lying so he could keep people off his back.
Howard said he heard that there was a black panther standing outside of a voting booth with a Billy club. The cops came and asked him to move and then later said that he wasn't there.
Gary came in and asked Sal if he said something to someone... Sal cut him off and said that he came in and Fred said that it was another four years of Jigaboo jokes for him. Sal said that he's never seen one work for four years so he's not so sure about that.
Gary said that Sal came to him yesterday and asked him about the tax plan going into effect immediately. Gary said he told him that doesn't happen. He asked Sal if he even knows when the guy becomes President. Sal said January 1st.
Sal said he didn't say it that way and that he had asked Gary if the taxes go into effect immediately. Howard kicked him out because that's what Gary had just said. Howard said that he voted for change and Sal was still there so it didn't happen.
Howard said he was just about to go in the voting booth and this loud woman gets a hold of Beth and starts talking to her about the wedding. She was telling her about her charity and asking her if she was available to come to help her out. Howard said he looked at this woman like she was retarded. Beth started telling her to contact Don Buchwald. He said they're just there to vote and they're being bothered by this woman.
Howard said there was a black guy guarding the booth and the woman goes over and tells him that she wants to open the booth for Howard Stern. Howard said they argued about that for a minute. The black guy eventually let him in.
Howard said he was still trying to decide on who to vote for when he went into the booth. He said that he figured that Obama could be another Jimmy Carter but he thought about that and figured that he's smarter than Carter so maybe it'll be okay.
Howard pulled the lever for Obama and then had to vote for the rest of the people that he had to vote for. He came out and waited for Beth to finish her thing. Howard told the black guy that he voted for change and the guy told him not to tell anyone what was going on but then said ''There's going to be fried chicken in the White House!''
Howard said that the black guy didn't know who he was but the loud woman must have told him that he was the King of All Media and he thought he was the guy from the Burger King commercials.
Robin said that she has a Q last name and they weren't even sure what book to check to find her name. She said that they were going crazy trying to find her last name in their books. Robin said the woman didn't know where Q was in the alphabet.
Gary asked if they had a voting machine. He said that he had desks with partitions on them and he had to fill out a paper with pen and then put it into a machine that read it.
Howard said that they think that Palin was the reason that people who were on the fence didn't vote for McCain. He said that she was such a nincompoop and a dummy that people just couldn't vote for them.
Robin said she saw an interview where Palin told an interviewer that she had to get back to them on a question.
Howard said that Nixon led to the Carter presidency and it was because people were so sick of Nixon. He said that Gerald Ford was a good guy and he liked him. They painted him as a boob but he was really into the job. Howard thinks that Obama will be into it too.
Howard said that Carter was such a disaster that the Iranians had no problem kidnapping our people. When Reagan got into office they got their act together. He said he hopes that Obama is a good strong president and he can handle this job.
Howard said that he was ready to throw up when Bush won his second term. He said that he hopes that we can get behind Obama now and just get this country back on track. Gary said that there's one guy there today who isn't like that. He said that Scott DePace was telling him ''good for you, you're all in charge now...'' and not being very supportive.
Howard said that he thinks that Barack's daughter is going to grow up to be very hot. He said that they have to give Obama 8 years in office so they can see her grow up.
Howard said that this isn't going to be an easy job for Barack to get the country back on track. He said that it's going to be a long road. He said that Barack has to try and explain to the country where he wants us to go but he seems to be good at explaining stuff.
Howard said that this country really has come a long way though. He said that he read an article where they talked about how whites and blacks weren't even able to drink out of the same water fountain not that long ago.
Robin said her mother must be really thrilled about this because she's 84 and had to go through stuff like that. She said that she couldn't believe her eyes and ears when she saw that Barack was elected President. Howard said that the myth about white people not voting for a black guy was broken when this happened.
Howard said it's unfair to compare Obama to David Dinkens. He said that no one can be worse than George Bush either. Artie said that people are going to have to be patient with this guy but people really want stuff to happen immediately.
Howard said that Barack should call Bill Clinton and ask him how he did it when he was President. Robin said that Barack has been on the phone with advisors since the financial crisis broke so he's already ahead of the curve.
Robin said that Bill Clinton gave a statement about Barack and how he liked the way he was doing things so far. He liked that he went to his advisors about the crisis.
Howard said that he has reservations about Obama but none of them have to do with him being black. He said he had a guy come up to him and tell him about him barely being black. Howard said that there isn't a white person who doesn't look at him and go ''that's a black guy.'' Robin said that he doesn't have the sensibilities of a black man raised in this country because his parents weren't from this country.
Howard said he was raised more black than Obama was. He said he grew up in Roosevelt. He said there are other blacks like Jamaican's who don't think they're like the American blacks and will call them the N-word when they're talking about American blacks.
Howard said the one reason he thinks Barack might be a great president is because he was able to get that Reverend Jeremiah Wright to shut the fuck up. He said the guy has just disappeared since Obama told him to shut up. He said that's the kind of crap that impresses him.
Howard said that Sarah Palin going back to Alaska thing is the greatest thing ever. He said that she's such a nitwit and he can't believe that those dopes up there elected Senator Ted Stevens back into office. He said their brains must be frozen up there. He said that the guy is such a dope he was taking barbecue grills as payoffs.
Howard said that if Stevens has to resign his seat, Palin might be able to assign herself his seat. Howard said that's what he heard anyway.
Howard said he heard that Al Franken's race was so close it was too close to call. Howard said he likes Al Franken but they hate him in Minnesota where he ran. Howard said that they should remember that Al was yelling about George Bush for a while.
Gary said that Franken is losing by just 500 votes in a 2.9 million vote election. They have to do a recount. Howard said that people are looking at their bank accounts and that's why they voted the way they did.
Howard asked what they're supposed to do about Iraq. Howard said that he thinks they should just pull out of that mess. Gary asked what they're supposed to do about it when it goes back to being the way it was. Howard said they could stay there for 20 years and it might still be the same. Gary said he agrees with Howard that they should get out of there. Gary said they should stay in Afghanistan. Robin thinks that Iraq could become just like Afghanistan if they do leave.
Howard said that Obama did say that we were going to get out of Iraq. Robin said that no one is holding the government's feet to the fire on that stuff. They have to set up the government over there to take care of themselves.
Riley said that they have to save this country's economy and democracy. He also announced that he's back with them for a year there at SIRIUS and when he signed his contract he threw up. Riley said that Tan is very happy about this election too.
Howard let Riley go and took a call from a guy who threw out the N-word when talking about Obama. That led to Howard talking about how they're going to try and get Daniel Carver on the phone today to talk about it.
Yucko the Clown called in and said that the election was fixed... or ''nigger-rigged.'' He was just joking around and said that he actually voted for the guy. Yucko said he's going to be running in 2020 himself.
Robin asked Howard if she saw what happened when Obama won. Howard didn't stay up. Robin said that they showed Oprah going and congratulating him. Howard said that Oprah is going to move right in on that and she'll probably be in the White House. Howard said that both of his daughters volunteered for him and they won't even get to go to the White House.
Howard said that JD must have pulled clips of Oprah talking about this. He heard that she's going to be the ambassador to Britain.
JD came in and asked what they were talking about. He had no idea about any Oprah clips. JD said he didn't see that. He said he saw her crying but there was no audio.
Howard had one of the edited audio clips that Richard put together of Oprah saying wild stuff from her audio book. He played that instead of the stuff Robin was talking about since JD wasn't on it yet.
Gary brought in some stats from where Howard grew up. Howard read that 97 percent of the people in Roosevelt voted for Obama. Gary said his childhood home town of Uniondale was 88 percent for Obama.
Howard read about Daniel Carver's home town where 25 percent of his home town voted for Obama. Howard said he was surprised by it being that high down there in Georgia.
Howard said he wishes their new president well. He took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who talked about the election and how she hopes that they have a better place to live in now.
Howard said he almost didn't vote for Obama just because Oprah is going to have access to the White House. She's got enough of a good thing going for herself.
Sal told Howard where the clips of this Pastor Manning were so he could play some of those. They were older clips of this pastor talking about Obama and saying that he didn't belong in office. Howard said that this guy has quite a congregation going. Those are the clips where they got the ''OBAMA!'' and ''Obama is a long legged mack daddy!'' that they've been playing for months.
Howard played more of that Pastor's audio and let the guy go on and on about him. Howard said the guy is way off the path and way out there. He was for Clinton but not for Obama. The guy was saying that he couldn't believe that the black man was voting for Obama to be the democratic nominee.
Howard said he had another preacher dude that he remembers talking about Obama. He wasn't sure who it was though.
Howard said that they have to be careful today because black people are already acting differently. He said that he saw some women acting like things had changed already because Obama was elected.
Artie said he heard a guy trying to buy a bagel and saying that he wasn't paying for anything and yelled out ''Obama!'' when he said he wasn't paying.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks that they're finally going to be able to go out and grab Osama bin Laden. He said that the black people in the service are all fired up and ready to go get him. Howard said that if Obama had said that he was going to get black people to do that, he may have won by an even bigger margin.
Robin said that she didn't know that there was such a rift between the blacks and Hispanics but she read that they might not vote for Obama. Howard said that he knew that there was a rift. Robin said that 76 percent of the Hispanic vote went to Obama so that might be changing.
Robin said that Bush made this country so miserable that he made the country want a black man in office. Artie said that he'll probably try to fade away like Lyndon Johnson did. Artie said hopefully he'll be remorseful for what he did to this country.
Artie said that Gary blew it with his Crumbs cupcake and said he has too much cream in the middle. Howard said that he thinks that Artie is mad at Gary for doing the cupcake thing like he did. Artie said that's not it at all, he just ruined his cupcake.
Gary said that he's doing the cupcake for charity. Artie said that he was doing it for charity but High Pitch Mike got it taken away. Artie said that they didn't have cream in the middle the last time he had it. He said there was no cream in it a couple of weeks ago when he tried it. Artie told Gary to get the cream out of the middle of it or AIDS will be there forever.
Gary said that other people like it and enjoy it. He said that a quarter of the sales are going to Life Beat. Artie asked where the rest of the money goes. Artie said that he wants to know where the rest of the money goes. Gary said that it's the same deal Artie had with his cupcake.
Artie said he's mad that he created a cupcake and now it's going for nothing. Gary said that they had a meeting about the cupcake and he had to go to a really embarrassing meeting about what happened on the show. Gary said they read the transcript of the show and Artie was calling Mike a ''fucking faggot'' and things like that. Gary said they had to stop accepting money from Artie's cupcake because of that.
DePace came in and said that he knows in his heart that Bush did not give us this economy. He said that Clinton had a lot to do with it. He said that he wants a good president in office just like they do but he doesn't think that Bush had anything to do with the way this country went down hill.
DePace said that raising taxes doesn't help the economy. Gary said that's what he thinks. Scott said that's what anyone who's smart thinks.
Howard told DePace to take it easy and calm down. DePace said he can't believe that people were swayed by bullshit. Howard asked Scott if he's going to Jason's wedding this weekend. Scott said he asked not to even be invited.
Howard asked who is going to Jason's wedding. Gary and Robin will be there. Fred and Artie aren't going to the wedding. Howard is supposed to be going too.
Howard said he heard that Scott was accused of stealing Obama signs from people's lawns. Scott said that kids did that on Mischief night in his neighborhood. He was out though so it wasn't him.
Scott said that putting signs on his yard is so white trash. Gary said he had a sign on his yard. Howard said he would never do that. Howard said you might as well put out your views on everything in your yard. Gary said he has a sign that says ''I love pussy'' out there.
Scott was going on and on about this stuff. Gary said that Scott goes out and plays golf with a cigar in his mouth and he looks 20 years older when he does that. That led to Howard asking Scott if he smokes the same kind as Rush Limbaugh does. Scott said that he does like the same kind he does. They're Arturo Fuente cigars but they're hard to find. Howard said that he used to smoke cigars and he would inhale them because he was such a hard core smoker.
Scott told Howard to come to him the next time he fills out his taxes. Gary brought in a picture of Scott out on the golf course with a cigar in his mouth. Howard said he looked like Rush. Howard asked Scott if he's afraid of mouth cancer or anything. Scott said he's not because his father smoked them all his life and he's still around at 76 with no cancer.
Howard wanted Scott to start dressing up like a real director with the monocle in his eye and a whip in his hand. Scott told Howard that he should start dressing better too because he dresses like shit. Howard goofed on him a little more until Scott left. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Will spoke to Daniel Carver yesterday and he was very confident that McCain was going to win. This morning must be his worst nightmare.
Howard had Daniel on the phone and asked him about being a former Grand Dragon. Daniel said that he was above a klegal like Howard thought he was. Daniel said that he might be on the endangered species list now.
Howard asked Daniel when he first learned that Obama was President. Daniel said that he learned it when he took California. He was watching TV last night when it happened.
Howard asked Daniel how he's going to feel when he sees Obama's children on the White House lawn. Daniel said he won't see it unless they show it on TV.
Howard asked Daniel if he would go to the White House if he was invited. Daniel won't be going as long as he's in office.
Howard asked if this was a bad thing for the Klan. Daniel said that it could be a good thing for them because more people might want to join. He said that the Klan might come in and try to take the country back like they took the south back many years ago.
Howard asked Daniel why so many white people voted for Obama. Daniel said that most of the white people down in Georgia voted for McCain. He said that he thinks the 25 percent that did vote for him down there were black.
Howard asked Daniel if this was a bitter pill for him to swallow. Daniel said they knew it would happen one day. Daniel said he hoped that he would never see it in his life time. Daniel said that his wife turned off the TV when she saw who won. He said she would have thrown it out the window but it was too big and heavy for her.
Daniel said that he thinks that this is going to turn the Klan around and white people might start joining again.
Howard and Robin asked if Daniel's wife watches Oprah. Daniel said that she does and she likes the show based on who the guest is. Howard said that if he were racist like that he wouldn't even watch a show like that. Daniel said that he's entertained by them and he watches because he likes to see their ignorance. Daniel said he likes the Jeffersons and Sanford and Son.
Howard asked if he could speak so Daniel's wife. Daniel asked her if she wanted to come on the phone. She got on a short time later and said she was doing wonderful. Howard asked her if it was a huge blow to her. She said that it's going to be a huge blow in 4 years after he has destroyed the United States. She said they can talk about a real president in 4 years after he's ruined the country.
Howard asked Daniel's wife if it's possible that he could be a good president. She said that he's going to destroy the U.S. and that's all she thinks. She said that if he wasn't part white he wouldn't have any intelligence at all. Robin tried to say something and Daniel's wife told her that she can shut up.
Artie said that he's not a Jew or a black but he is a nig*er lover on some level. He said that the Jews and blacks have sold him heroin in a way.
Howard said that Daniel's wife is an American so she must be hoping tat he'll be terrific and the country will be prosperous. Howard asked her if she will admit it if he does turn out to be a great president. She said they would admit it but there's no way that's going to happen.
Daniel's wife suggested that they put barb wire around the White House to make sure that their little kids can't get out of there.
Howard asked Daniel's wife if she still loves Daniel. She said that she's loved him for 41 years and she'll continue to love him for 40 more.
Howard asked Mrs. Carver what she thinks Martin Luther King would say if he saw that Obama was President. She said that even he would say that the country was in trouble.
Artie asked if he could come down there and join the Klan if he said he voted for McCain. Mrs. Carver said that they don't take drunks. Artie got a laugh out of that.
Howard asked Mrs. Carver what her kids think about all of this. She said that they're not thrilled with the situation either. Howard asked her what she thought when she saw Obama's two kids smiling when their father won. She said that she finds all of them ugly and doesn't like to see them. She doesn't even like the look of the black dolls she collects. Howard said that the black dolls have to stay in their own corner of the house so they don't live with the white dolls.
Howard said that the black first family could be served by white people in the White House. Mrs. Carver said that won't happen. She said that the White House isn't the White House any longer. It's now the Black House. Howard said that Obama was raised by white people and he is half white. Mrs. Carver said that doesn't matter to her. She said that they were ''negra lovers'' so they're not good in her book.
Mrs. Carver told all of the Jews and Negro lovers to enjoy the next 4 years. Howard let her go and got Daniel back on the phone. Howard told Daniel that he thinks he's not going to get laid for the next few weeks because she's so upset. Daniel said that she was just trying to be funny for them. She really doesn't care about those people.
Howard asked Daniel to let him know if Klan recruitment goes up after this. Daniel said he's sure that it will make more people want to join. Howard wanted to hear a report about the next meeting. Daniel said that Jews can't come to the meetings. He said that Artie could come to one and he could report back.
Yucko called in and said that Daniel's wife turned him on so much that he wanted to marry her right now. Daniel said that she's already married. Yucko asked Robin to shut up now that Obama has been elected. He did an impression of her talking about this guy so much.
Howard asked Daniel if he's tired of hearing about this thing already. Daniel said that he's pretty sure that they're going to try and shove it down their throats for the next few years. Daniel said that Bush was a bad President and that's what drove the white people to the nig*ers. Howard said they wanted to check in with the number 1 racist this morning and that's just what they did. He let Daniel go a short time later and then went to break.
Artie said that it was weird to see a black guy dancing to a Bruce Springsteen song. He said he was doing that at the Cleveland rally. Howard asked what kind of dancing he was doing. Artie said he's gotta be a good dancer.
Howard said that Obama must have spent some time learning how to fit in with black people after being raised by whites. He said he thinks he tries hard to fit in with them because he saw him playing basketball last night. Robin said that he was a basketball player so he's not just trying to fit in.
Howard said Daniel Carver sure was upset about that whole thing. His wife was even more upset. The guys talked about how angry she sounds and how they think she may push Daniel into the Klan thing even more than he wants to.
Howard said they have this contest going on called ''I Want to be Howard Stern'' and this guy Dante was the first finalist who did his show on Monday night. Howard said he was really good and got a lot of positive feedback, and some negative.
Howard said a lot of guys want to hear Ham Hands Bill do a show next. He said that the boys overruled his vote on that and Bill is going to be doing a show. Howard said he's the next guy up and then they need one more person. Howard said he liked the Gary Smith guy but Robin didn't like that pick.
Howard said it's come down to a couple of people. Fred is high on Corey Taylor and Howard said he's going to vote for this Samuel Tripoly. Fred said he could have gone either way on those two.
Howard played the Samuel Tripoly show audition tape to remind people of who he was. He has a crew of people in the studio with him in the audition tape. Howard got a few laughs out of that. He said they did have a lot of laughing but other than that they were pretty strong.
Howard said he loved Dante's hour on Monday night. Artie asked about AJ and Dunkleman. Howard said he was okay with them but it was really hard to make a choice there.
Benjy picked someone by the name of Sabrina. Howard said he didn't like any of the female entries. Howard played a little bit of Sabrina's audition tape and she was talking about her dog and something that was going on at her house. Howard had to cut it off and said that he couldn't take it. Artie said he liked her voice. Howard played the rest of it but he said he just didn't get it. He said she wasn't bad but she wasn't as good as Samuel Tripoly.
Howard let the rest of Sabrina's clip play and she talked about having sex with her husband while their pets watched. Benjy had told Howard it got much better. Howard told Artie he was mad at him because the clip didn't go anywhere. Artie said he liked her voice. Howard said her voice was fine but she was going on and on and on just like Benjy does.
Benjy said that he likes something a little different and he'd like to hear her interact with listeners. He said that she talks about her mom in her tape and it gets good. Howard said he didn't have time to sit through that.
Howard had to cut Benjy off because he kept going on and on and on. Sal said that he thought Christopher Humphries was a good one too. Howard said that he was fine but he's not a finalist. Howard said he wrote that he was so bad that he was good.
Howard played Zolar's entry after that. He was talking about how great it was he was in there doing a show for the listeners of SIRIUS and XM. Zolar said the show was going to be an audience produced show and then played a prank call he made. Zolar was talking to a woman and doing his ''Ricky Retardo'' voice and cracking the woman up. Howard said that the woman was laughing but she probably did that because she didn't speak English. Gary said the call goes on way too long too.
Artie said that he didn't even have a premise for the call and it didn't make any sense. Gary said that he was giving the woman non sequiturs and the woman laughed. That's what the whole call was. Howard laughed at it.
Gary said that all Zolar did was play music, say what he was going to do, play one phony phone call and then said what channel the people were listening to. Artie said it was horrible. Howard said that he likes Zolar and he thought that it was going to be good. It just didn't work out this time.
Gary said that they have no disdain for Zolar like he thinks they do. Howard said he loves Zolar and he doesn't have to get all uptight.
Alice said that she used to dream about them having a black president and she wasn't sure why she wanted one in there in the first place.
Howard said it must be a good day for Alice because they did elect a black man. Alice said that her life isn't any different now. She went off on the blacks a little bit and then stopped with a ''Hi Fred.'' She also said hello to Artie and then said that she still thinks that Artie is a nice looking man.
Howard said Alice likes Artie too much now. Robin said something about that so Alice told her to shut the fuck up. She wasn't too happy with Robin talking over her. She didn't have much else to say so she said her goodbye's pretty quick.
Howard played some prank calls Sal and Richard made using Crazy Alice audio clips. They had one where they call a hair place and try to make an appointment for her.
Richard came in and said that it's actually both his and Sal's wieners that are going to be slapped on the guy's face. Howard said this is the first time they've ever played this game. Howard said that the guy gets to touch Gina's titties or ass if he wins.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves this Celebrity Rehab that's on VH-1. Howard said it's the best show on TV after ''True Blood.''
The caller asked about Amber Smith so Howard talked about how smoking hot she is and how she's on that Celebrity Rehab show now. Howard talked about how she was going through withdrawals and puking every minute. He said that she was almost revealing her titties on the floor as she was laying there. Howard said Tawny Kitaen is looking a little rough around the edges. Gary said it's more than a little. Howard said he was trying to be kind.
Howard said they have a former American Idol chick on the show and she used to be hot. Now she's fat and still wearing the same clothes she used to wear so her fat is hanging out.
Artie said that Amber needs Subutex because that would help her out with the withdrawals. Howard said he thinks that Dr. Drew is doing a good job with them. He said that hey don't seem to be cured when they get out of there though. Gary said that they're a real mess on that show though.
Howard said that Dominic is getting divorced from this Leslie for the second time now. He said they got back together after getting divorced the last time. Howard said Beth didn't want to hear more about this because Leslie was calling her during the last divorce.
Howard said he heard that Dominic got into a fight and Dominic had a plate of spaghetti thrown at him but then he heard that he smashed it over his own head. He said that all he knows is that he should call in and let them know what's going on. He said it's really weird that he's not calling in.
Gary said that he and Dominic spoke for about 30 minutes the other night and he promised not to say what they talked about. He said that Dominic did say that they're working on things and they're hoping to get that all worked out.
The caller asked if he had any games to play to help out the white people. Gary told the guy that his life should get better if he's not making $250,000 a year or more. Howard told the guy that he didn't have any games to play. Then he told the guy they only want to talk to black people today.
The caller said that the Eric the Midget show was great the other day. Howard wanted to know when it'll be on Howard TV. Doug told him that it should be up now. It went up at midnight last night.
The caller also mentioned that they have the Ronnie show up there on Howard TV too. The guy said that he wanted to know if Ronnie was really sleeping at work. Howard said he was. The guy wondered if Howard or Ronnie sleeps more at the show. Fred threw in Artie's snoring sound clip and answered the question that way.
Howard told Gary to call Dominic and ask him to come on the air. He said that they gave it a week's moratorium so it's time to get him on the air.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked how long it's going to be before someone tries to take out Obama. Howard said he hopes that we've evolved enough that we don't do things like that anymore. Howard said that they must be giving him a Secret Service detail even bigger now that he's been elected. He said he must have a cool nick name with the Secret Service. The caller said they'll probably call him a ''chango'' which meant monkey. The guy chuckled when he said that.
Gary said he just spoke to Dominic and he's very upset that they were talking about it on the air this morning and he was upset that they think he hit himself on the head. Howard said that he's getting reports from all over and he's not sure if they're true or not. He thought it would be great if he did hit himself over the head with a plate of spaghetti though.
Howard read an article about Dominic in the paper where they describe the plate of spaghetti being thrown at his head. They also point out that Leslie was his 3rd and 4th wife. The guys got a laugh out of that. Howard said that they say that Dominic is 63 and Howard said he looks pretty good for that age. Leslie is 44. Howard said Dominic pointed out that his wife was younger than his one time. He said he's not even sure why he was trying to point that out. It's the age difference, not the age that Dominic was referring to.
Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes talking about Dominic and how crazy he can get in court. Gary said he knew a guy who hired Dominic and his in-laws got really nice when they heard that he had hired him. They ended up settling out of court.
Robin wondered if she should kick Leslie out of her Girls Night Out group. Howard said yes to that but the other guys said that she needs someplace to eat so she has to keep her in.
Howard said that when your wife throws a plate of spaghetti at your head, it's definitely time to get a divorce. Howard and Fred did their Dominic impressions and goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Howard said he's pretty sure Dominic will fill them in on the details some day. He said he might not be able to talk about it right now.
Howard said that he was out to dinner one night and saw Dominic and Leslie working out their divorce at the dinner table. Howard said he watched them doing it and even his daughter was fascinated by it. Howard said it would be so great if Dominic broke that plate over his own head. He said he really wants to know what's going on there.
Howard said Dominic being attacked with food is the worst offense ever. He heard that he had requested that she make dinner and that's what happened when she did.
Ralph called in and said that he loves this Dominic because he's always inserting him into the show and now that he's in the paper he doesn't want him even reading the article. Ralph said he wants Dominic to take a lie detector test about hitting himself over the head with a plate of spaghetti. Ralph said he'd come up with $200 for him if he takes it.
Ralph said Dominic is a prick. He said that it would really be great if he got divorced and then got married to her again. Artie said it's really weird to be the third and fourth wife but then being the fifth would be really strange. Artie said there's usually someone in between the wives. Howard said that Dominic was dating someone for a little while after he divorced Leslie the first time. She disappeared and the next thing he knew Dominic was getting married to Leslie again.
Howard said he runs into Dominic's ex-second-wife once in a while. He talked about her a little bit. He said he really has to call in so he can talk to him about this.
Howard said he just wanted to know about the spaghetti incident. He said he used to think that the album title ''The Spaghetti Incident'' was dumb but now he's liking it. Howard said if your wife does hit you in the head with a plate of spaghetti you probably want to punch your wife in the face. He said that you have to hold back and just call the cops.
The guys continued to goof on Dominic doing their impressions of his gurgling voice. Howard said he kept quiet about this for a week but now he wants to hear more about what happened.
Gary said that Dominic told him he can't come on the air. Howard said he just wants to ask him how he's doing. He said he won't even ask him about the spaghetti. Dominic hung up on Gary. Gary said that he can't talk about it right now. Howard said that he's going to back Leslie in this then. Then he said that he would back whoever calls in first.
Howard wanted to take some bets on how soon it'll be before they get back together. They figured that it would happen eventually.
Zolar said that Double A always calls in and asks for stuff and he's never done that to him. Zolar said Howard told him that he would have something for him there and he just wants to do an hour show. Howard told Zolar he had his chance. Zolar said he only had 3 minutes and he can't fit anything cool in that time.
Zolar said that if Fred says it was weak then he believes it. He said he still loves them. Howard let him go after that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and talked about how Oprah was doing something weird on her show and having a victory party on her show. Howard said he's not watching that show. He said that she didn't win. Mariann said that kissing ass sucks and she hates it. Then she said ''I love you Howard.''
Howard mentioned that they were going to have Gina Lynn coming in. He said that she's on the Wack Pack at the Christy's and looking really hot on there. He said that they're going to be doing the Gina or Wiener after the break.
Howard came back and said that they try to make fans dreams come true. He said that this guy Tommy is coming in to play this Gina or Wiener game.
Will said that they put out something on her web site looking for fans of hers to call the show. Gina came in while they were talking about that. Howard told Gina that she looks good today. He said he thinks that she's gotten even better looking.
Gina said that she was wearing nipple tape this morning because she didn't want them just busting out. Howard told her he hates nipple tape. He said she doesn't need that in there.
Howard said that Gina might be his favorite porn star right now. Artie said that it's either her or Eric Everhart for him. Gina said that she likes Eric too.
Howard said he loves Gina's movies and uses them to beat off. Gina said she heard that he was talking about the way she gives blow jobs. She said she does things with her tongue and she loves doing that to guys. She said she sticks her tongue out really hard for the guy.
Howard asked Gina to demonstrate for him what she does. She showed them on a banana and Howard said he wishes that was his penis. Gina said that she just loves the look on a guy's face when she's doing it. Howard said that some chicks really love doing it and that might be the key.
Gina said that she's been with a guy for 10 years now but she still masturbates like 4 times a day. Howard said he'd be jealous if Beth told him that she did that. Gina said that she got to an age when she just got really wild and had to orgasm a bunch of times in a day.
Howard said they have this guy Tommy coming in to play this game. He gave Gina a plug for the Wack Pack at the Christy's Farm show that's airing on Howard TV this month. That led to Gina talking about her trip out to Kansas and how she will never eat meat or chicken again after that. She said that she spent time with a cow, that ended up shitting on her, and it responded to it's name when they called her. They showed the video of the cow shitting on her after that.
Gina said that she really liked Yucko out there and thought that they bonded. Gina said that the camera men were looking really good while she was out there but she didn't have sex with anyone. She also said that one of their dogs was scared of Richard out there. She said she's not sure what he did to that dog but it would run away from him every time he came around.
Gina said it was kind of scary out there at the farm because she was hearing weird noises at night and stuff. She said that the younger the animal, the better they taste and she hasn't eaten any chicken or beef since she was out there.
Howard said that this guy Tommy is such a big fan that he has a tattoo of her face on him. Gina didn't know that. Howard gave her a plug for her movie ''Fantastic Whores Four'' and said you can find out more at GinaLynn.com. She's still making movies and producing them herself. She said she probably shot 12-15 movies this year so far. Howard said she looks good too and not skanky like so many other porn chicks do.
Howard asked Gina if she thinks she's normal. She said she does. Howard said he thinks she is too. Artie said she looks very normal.
Howard said this guy Tommy became a fan after seeing her on an episode of The Sopranos. Gina said she thinks she knows who this guy is after Howard described him. Gina said that he was kind of cute when they brought him in. She liked that he wasn't a weird guy.
Tommy showed his Gina Lynn tattoo. She said that she signed it at one of the expos she went to. Tommy said he's a mechanic so he doesn't have to worry about the tattoos. Howard said that they were all over the place and kind of a mess. Gina asked if the rest of them agreed he was cute. Robin said he was. Artie agreed with a mouth full of food.
Howard asked Tommy if he beats off to her all the time. He wasn't saying much so Howard had to ask him to speak.
Howard told Gina that if Tommy answers the first question correctly, Tommy gets to feel her breasts when she strips down. She was fine with that. Tommy is only 20 years old. Howard said that they might need to loosen him up with some booze but he's not legal. Tommy said that doesn't stop him.
Howard asked Tommy if he has a girlfriend. He said he doesn't have one now but he had one before. Howard told him that he gets to fondle her breasts with the first question. He wondered what he could do after the second one. Gina was fine with him fondling her ass. Howard said that he gets Sal and Richard's wieners on his face if he gets any wrong.
Howard said on the third one maybe he could get some titty on the face. Gina was fine with that too. Howard wondered how far they were going to go with the prizes. Artie said that he might as well just fuck her by then. Gina said that won't be happening. Howard said maybe he could spank her as she's reading some sexy stories. Artie said he should just fuck her. Gina said she would massage him and maybe she'd ''accidentally'' touch his penis.
Howard said he's pulling for Tommy because he wants to see Gina naked and no Sal and Richard penis. Then Sal and Richard came into the studio naked. Howard said they were wearing cowboy hats and sombreros.
Sal said that his penis kind of dangles down low because he's uncircumcised. Howard had him pull it out to show Gina. Richard pulled his out too. Richard said that he tried to chub it up a little bit. Gina said she liked Richard's a little better than Sal's.
Howard got to the game and asked what music video Gina starred in. She was in Superman by Eminem and Tommy got it right. Gina stripped down after that and took off her nipple tape. Tommy wasn't looking at her according to Howard. Tommy got to feel her up a little bit and Gina said that he was tweaking her nipples a little too hard.
Howard asked what Gina's birth name was. Tommy knew how to spell it but he didn't know how to pronounce it. He spelled it ''Tanya Mercado'' and got it right. Gina bent over and let Tommy spank her a little bit. Gina told him not to spank her too hard after he gave her a couple of hard whacks.
Howard asked Gina why she changed her name from Tanya Mercado, he kind of likes it. Gina said that she was only 19 when she changed it and didn't know any better.
Tommy was rubbing Gina's ass so the guys told him to grab it a bit. Tommy said that it was nice and firm. Howard said that's a nice prize this guy just won.
Howard asked Tommy ''Where was Gina born?'' Tommy said that he didn't know the first part but it was in Puerto Rico. Howard said that was close enough. Gina thought he had to give the whole place. Howard said that Tommy got another one right so he was going to get the lap dance now. Gina danced for him and Tommy said it was fuckin' awesome. Howard said the only thing missing was alcohol.
Howard was hoping that Tommy would get one wrong but Tommy said he doesn't want to get any wrong. Richard asked if they could slap Jason in the face with their cocks since Tommy wasn't missing any.
Howard said that Gina was very aggressive with that lap dance. He said maybe he soul ask Tommy what congressional district she's in.
Howard asked what movie was the first one that Gina had anal sex in. Tommy didn't know so Sal told him to get on his knees. Howard said that Gina has never had anal sex on film so it was a trick question. Gina said she's never had anal with anyone, not even her husband. She said she wants to enjoy sex and not be scared of being in pain. She said she's had a finger and a skinny glass dildo up there but she didn't like it. Gina said that she will pound a girl anally with a dildo no problem. She just doesn't like it on herself.
Sal and Richard went over to Tommy and slapped their penises on his face three times. Tommy said that he's never had anything like that happen to him before. Richard said his beard scratched the head of his cock. Sal laughed and Howard joked that Sal just came from doing that. Sal was getting kind of excited by that from what Howard said.
Howard got back to the game and asked Tommy ''What state does Gina Lynn live in?'' He knew it was Pennsylvania and even gave the town. Gina said he probably even knows her address. Tommy got on his back and Gina gave him a very aggressive massage.
Gina said that Tommy was pretty hairy. She rubbed him down and let out a ''Whoa!'' at one point. Howard told Tommy he might need to go to the doctor because he seems to be in a coma. Tommy wasn't saying much. Gina rubbed him down with some oil after that. Tommy was liking it. Richard said it looked like she was rubbing the wolf man. Gina said that if he were her boyfriend she'd whack that hair off of him. Tommy said he's never had a complaint.
Howard had Gina bump Tommy on the head with her boob. She did that too. She ended up putting her naked vagina on his back. She said that she was putting ''her stuff'' on his back. Howard asked Tommy how that felt. He liked that as well. Gina said that she put marks on his back from her nails. She said he's really sensitive back there.
Sal asked if they could do a bonus question and give Tommy the chance at winning the opportunity to control the Sybian for Gina. Tommy wasn't up for it because he didn't like what they were going to do to him if he lost. They were going to stick their cocks in his nostrils.
Gina was up for a Sybian ride so Howard had her do that. Howard asked if Gina lost weight or something. She didn't think she had, she figured Howard just forgets what she looks like. Gary controlled the Sybian for Gina. Howard told her to just let them know what she was thinking about. She said she was thinking about professional hockey players.
Gina said that she was trying to find the right spot on the machine. She said she was finding it so Gary upped the speed a little bit. Gina ended up getting off a minute or so later. Gary said she was riding it like no one before. The machine was just about bucking her off of it.
Howard said the Sybian loves her and they love her. Tommy said that this was a once in a lifetime day for him. He said that it was amazing. Howard gave Gina some more plugs for her web site, her new clothing line Skin and then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard said that he's leaving for Jason's wedding at like 3:30. Robin said she has to leave early too. Howard said it's so far away from the city that he's dreading the drive. He said that he's got magazines lined up to read on the way there and the way home.
Jason told Howard he should stay at the wedding longer if he's got that much of a drive. Jason told him that it shouldn't take much more than an hour or so. He told Howard he could show up a little late if he wanted to. Howard said he'll get there before Jason even gets there.
Howard said Jason is the star of the day. Jason didn't seem to think that was the case. He was afraid that Howard was going to show up so late that when he came in it would interrupt the wedding.
Jason said that he wants everyone to have a good time at the party so he's nervous about that. He said he's writing some stuff to say during the wedding and he's afraid he's going to screw that up. Howard told him he can use his vows if he wants to. Jason said he'd do that and that way he doesn't have to think.
Howard said that Barbara Walters asked if she could read his vows on The View. He was going to let her do that but then changed his mind.
Howard asked Jason if it was true that he was going to use Viagra on his wedding night. Jason said he never said that. He said he has a Viagra prescription due to his anti-depressants but he's not going to use it. Brian Phelan came in and said that he heard Jason say that in the hall. Jason said he doesn't remember saying it but if he does, he'll let them know.
High Pitch Eric called in and said that Beth Ostrosky is on FOX 5 right now. Howard said he doesn't recognize that name. It's Beth Stern. Eric said they introduced her as Beth Ostrosky. Then he said that she was on and they did have Beth Stern.
Howard said he doesn't know the Mike and Juliette show. Robin said she was on that show and it was fun. Artie said he has to do Letterman tonight and he's all stressed out about that. The show doesn't air until Friday night. He's on with the chick from Ugly Betty.
Howard said that ugly Betty chick might actually be ugly. He said they usually try to ugly up good looking chicks but he's pretty sure she's actually ugly.
Howard said Artie should go on and say that he's ''Handsome Artie.'' Artie thought he was goofing on him but Howard said he wasn't.
A caller asked Howard if he could get a bottle of that Mambo stuff. Howard said that he'd send him a bottle because someone sent them a case of it. Howard said he sprayed some of it on his hand yesterday and he reeked. Artie said he boiled his hand to get it off and nothing happened.
Ronnie asked what he was doing because he wanted some of that stuff. Howard said he's got like 5 years worth in his fridge. Ronnie said he was fine with him giving some away.
Howard saw Beth on TV so he turned the audio on and listened to her talking about their wedding. Howard said he was sick of hearing about his wedding and turned off the audio. JD said that Juliette on that show loves Howard. Howard said he didn't know that. Howard turned the audio back on and said that Beth and Juliette look good together. He said he'd love to have Beth and that chick in bed together.
A caller from Canada congratulated the Americans for electing Obama. He said that he thinks that maybe McCain was being blackmailed by Palin or something and that's why he committed political suicide.
Artie was distracted by the pets on the show Beth was on. He couldn't take his eyes off the TV. Howard told Robin she might have to get a dog now. Robin said she was looking at dogs the other day. Howard said Beth kissing the dogs kind of freaks him out. He said it kind of skeeves him out.
Artie said that Dana used to French kiss dogs and that skeeved him out and he'd tell her she had to boil her face before he'd kiss her.
Howard talked about what a good person Beth is trying to save the pets the way she does. She said she actually volunteers and helps out with them.
Artie said that he was offended and mortified about what Joan Rivers said about Beth's friend. Howard said he told Beth about that and she was really upset about it. Howard didn't want it getting back to Beth the wrong way so he broke the news to her. He said that Joan was trying to be funny but it wasn't cool to say what she said.
Steve said that they have a story about Pastor Manning e-mailing them this morning about Obama being ''the evil that has come upon us.'' Steve said he thinks that he can get him on the show. Steve said he actually went up and interviewed him up in Harlem.
Steve said that Prop 8 out in California may pass and ban gay marriage out there. Howard said he can't believe that. Steve said they also heard that Jackie is back from entertaining the troops over in Afghanistan. They heard that Jackie may have been asked to tone down his act but the troops did enjoy what they saw. Steve said they have news on the FCC vs. FOX case that's going on right now.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview after that. That led to Howard talking about how tough it was to work with Tommy because he didn't have much of a personality. Howard said those one word answers were rough but he still loves the guy.
They also spent a little time talking about Dominic Barbara's spaghetti incident. Howard said he didn't want to get into the middle of that and said that the story he heard may not be true. He just wanted to make that clear. Howard thought it would be cool to have Dominic and Leslie come in and reenact that incident.
Steve Brandano came in with his Intern show preview. He quickly ran down a couple of things they were going to be covering tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Robin read a story about Regis Philbin, who is 77, signing on to do more shows with Disney and ABC until 2010. Howard said that he can't imagine going on TV at that age. He said he doesn't think he's going to want to do that at that age. Robin said he doesn't know until he's actually there. Howard said he can barely get out of bed now.
Howard said he feels bad for Regis because his big fame didn't come until he was like 60 years old. That's past his pussy prime.
Howard said that Regis and Kelly had to apologize for something they said the other day. He said it was really nothing. Howard played the clip of Kelly Ripa talking about some little kid who didn't know what the Democrats were and thought it was Dominicans. Regis had to go on the air and apologize for offending the Dominicans. They didn't say anything wrong though. Howard wondered what they were offended by. He said there's no reason to be offended. JD said that they were mad at Regis for a comment he made after Kelly told her story. Howard said that people are too friggin' sensitive.
Howard played tape of Don Imus on some show talking about how black kids never thought they could grow up to be President, probably not even Obama. He said now they can look forward to it if Obama is elected. Imus said he voted for McCain but he wouldn't be offended if Obama was elected. Howard ended up doing his Imus impression and it was sounding an awful lot like Elvis.
Howard said that poor Neil Cavuto had to interview Imus. He said there must not be anyone left to interview. He played more of that interview and goofed on him some more.
Robin read a story about a 13 year old girl in Somalia who had claimed she had been raped while she stayed with her grandmother. She was stoned to death by 50 men after that. They did that in front of about 1000 spectators.
Robin read a story about old people walking slow and how researchers think that it's the brain that slows them down. Howard said he wishes that he could slow down with the cumming thing. He said he's okay with Beth but he can't hold out that long even with her.
Robin read some election news and talked about John McCain's defeat. She had some audio of McCain giving his concession speech. She also had audio of Barack Obama making his speech. Robin also had Oprah talking about how excited she was about Obama's win.
Robin said that leaders around the world are congratulating Obama on his win. She said that people around the world have been talking about how awful Bush's time in office was. There was a paper in Russia that said ''8 Years of Hell'' is over. Our reputation had really gone down over the past 8 years.
Howard asked if Benjy voted for Obama. Benjy said he voted Libertarian. Howard sarcastically said that was a good move. Benjy said that's where his heart is. Howard asked him what his rationale is there. Benjy said he tends to agree more with them than the other candidates. Benjy said he likes how excited people are about Obama but he thinks he likes McCain's policies better.
Robin read some more news about Obama's win and what people are saying about that. She said that African Americans were celebrating a lot after the win. Howard jokingly said he boarded up his windows for nothing. He said he's glad that he won by as much as he did so they didn't have to wait forever to find out who won.
Robin had some audio of Bernice King, Martin Luther King's daughter, commenting on the win. Howard played the clip but it was a really loud party and you could barely hear her speaking. Howard said that was some party going on there.
Robin had Jesse Jackson Jr. talking about the win. She also talked about how they have to find a senator to replace Barack Obama. Howard said Sarah Palin looked really hot when she went out to vote. He said she's got a killer body. He said it was like the dirty school teacher look.
Robin had some audio of Spike Lee talking about this victory. Spike said Obama was right when he said that this could only happen in America. Artie said he sure seemed to shut up during this election unlike the last one.
Howard said he had to give a shout out to SIRIUS/XM because James Hetfield from Metallica was interviewed by Rolling Stone magazine and he was saying that he listens to SIRIUS Hard Attack. Howard said he's a cool dude. They spent a short time talking about the band before Robin got back to her news.
Robin talked about losing Sarah Palin now. Howard said he doesn't think she will try to run again. Fred said he's not so sure about that. He said he thinks that she might just try to again.
Robin said that some Black Panthers were out intimidating white people from going in and voting. Robin had some audio of one of the guys getting angry at a cameraman for getting in his face. Howard said he would have handed over his camera if he was that guy.
Robin said that Nathaniel Mayer has passed away. She didn't remember him but said that he was known for his song ''Village of Love.'' Howard played some of that and said he's just getting into the song and now he's dead. Howard sang along to the 1950s song a little bit as it played. He said he loves that song and wishes that he could be brought back to life.
Robin said that Loupe Fiasco is retiring. Howard had no idea who that was either. Robin said he's putting out a three disc set before he retires. Robin had some examples of his music too. Howard wondered why he's retiring, he sounds like a young guy. Robin didn't have anything about why he's retiring.
Robin had a story about Paris Hilton talking about her latest movie. She said that the movie is very unique. Howard said he bets it is unique. She hasn't made one good movie yet. Artie told her to shut up as he heard that clip. They ended the show a short time later around 10:45am.
Richard said that they do everything as a team so that's why he had his honey in there. He said they didn't want to leave any cheek un-smacked.
Jon asked Sal about why his penis is always out now because in the past he kept it in his pants. Sal said it's just his commitment to the craft. Gary said he's disturbed that he could pick Sal's penis out of a line up. Sal said that it is interesting but it works.
Jon asked Richard about Gina being out at his parents house. Richard said she did stick out like a sore thumb there and she looked miserable the whole time. Richard said it's not as scary and horrible as she made it sound. He was talking about the skeleton in the barn and how it's a raccoon and not a dog like people think it is.
Richard said that they love animals out there at his parents and they wouldn't hurt them at all. Then he said that they raised their own food there and ate some of the animals.
Gary said that deal animals freak him out like fish freaks out High Pitch Eric. Sal said they should do a wheel of panic with Gary and bring in some road kill to smack him in the face with.
Jon asked about this guy Tommy who came in to play the game. He wasn't all that excited so the guys talked about how mellow he was. Gary said that he wanted to say to the guy that they're on the radio and he needs to liven up a little bit.
Jon played a clip of Tommy answering the question about what her real name is. He had to spell it because he wasn't good with names.
Richard said that Tommy was really quiet and at one point he was nodding his head. They had to tell him that he was on radio and that he has to speak.
Richard said that he was a mime on the radio and they were hoping for the big pay off of slapping his face with their cocks. Jon asked Gary who he thinks enjoys it more. Gary said that Sal is the one. Sal said he doesn't enjoy doing it, he enjoys the laughs that people get from it. Sal said there's no sexual enjoyment from doing that.
Richard said that when gay guys slap each other in the face with their cocks it's not gay. They just do it for laughs.
Benjy said he didn't think that guy got that question wrong because he didn't know what movie she did anal in and she didn't have any films that she had anal in. Gary said he didn't want to get into this with Benjy.
Jon asked Gary about the outfits that Richard and Sal were wearing. Gary said they were very gay. Sal and Richard were Poncho and Rusty when they came in dressed like that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he enjoyed that segment today, even with the penis. Richard said he's not a massive fan of hers but he does like Gina. He doesn't think he could whack off to her knowing her though. He said it's harder to whack off to someone he knows. Sal said he sounds like a rapist talking about it that way. Richard said his explanation might be bullshit. He said it is weird to look at someone in a porno and know them. He said that it's more of a friendly type of thing when he sees her now.
Gary asked Richard if his father watches porn. Richard said they used to watch it back in the 80s but he doesn't think they watch it now.
A caller said he would love to see Celebrity Look-Alike nudes. Gary said that would be too visual for radio. The guy also said that he would like to see Barely Legal Legals who look much younger than 21 but are 21. Gary laughed and said he'd work on that.
Jon said that Tommy was a dead fish on the air but he also thought that he blew his chance to maybe get more out of it than he did. The guy didn't do anything to make more happen. Gary said that she's married so he didn't have a shot of hooking up with her.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he had the chance to meet Sal and Richard a few times over the past year but he didn't because he's so grossed out by what they do on the show. He said he would normally love to meet guys like that but they're so disgusting he wouldn't get near them for an autograph. He said they're out of control.
The guy said that he thinks they're lame on the air doing that stuff but they're great when their lives are falling apart. Sal said that there have been instances when fans are grossed out by him. Richard said people think he's going to have boogers all over his shirt and stuff but he showers. Sal said that they're clean, they shower after doing that gross stuff.
Richard said that at a Coheed and Cambria concert it might not be a good idea to shake his hand. He said that he may have pissed himself.
Jon tried to calm Sal down but he was all worked up and said that they're all brain dead and brainwashed. Jon told Sal that they can't make things happen immediately.
Gary said that Sal was in Stockbroker mode and he was just yelling. Gary said that he only does that when he's backed into a corner. Sal continued to yell about it and said that it's all horseshit and bullshit. Jon asked him to stop but Sal wouldn't.
Jon asked Sal why he would vote for Obama if he doesn't like him. Sal said he wants to share responsibility with the rest of the country. Sal was still yelling so Gary asked him to swear that he voted for Obama. Sal refused to do it and said it's wrong to swear on his family.
Sal said that every politician is fucked up. Gary asked him to swear that he voted for the guy. Sal refused and Gary figured that meant he didn't vote for Obama. Richard said he voted for Obama, so did Jason, Jon and Teddy. They were all willing to swear that they did. Sal said that he did too and he was being honest. He was laughing as he said it though.
Jon asked Sal if he voted. Sal said he didn't have to answer that and it doesn't matter. Jason asked him what he has to do when he gets to the place. Sal said he gave out his name and address and he signed his name to the book. He went to a booth and tried to pull the curtain with his hand. Then a lady told him to close it with the lever. Gary asked him if he got horny when he closed the curtain. He was referring to the booths that Sal used to go to.
Sal said that he saw the Obama Biden thing and placed his vote for them but didn't vote for anyone else. Richard said he was voting without knowing anything about those other people. He picked someone who was a Jew because he figured they would make a good judge.
Richard said he called Sal last night and he hadn't voted yet. Sal said he had an hour left when he went down there to vote.
Jason wanted to talk about the tax thing but Sal was still going nuts talking over everyone. Jon had Teddy cut off his microphone so he couldn't speak anymore. Jason explained what he wanted to say while Sal was silenced.
Sal said that Obama's whole thing was changed in one sentence last night when he made his speech. Sal said that it means that nothing is going to happen over night.
Sal kept saying that all of these politicians are liars and that's who they're voting for. They had to cut off his mic again. Gary told him that he's ruining the show today.
A caller asked Sal what he's doing and asked if he's getting pussy lately. Sal said that he's getting a ton. Jon said that Sal said today that when he was hitting the guy in the face with his cock that it was the closest it had gotten to a mouth in a long time.
Gary asked Sal if he talked about the election with his wife. Sal said he didn't. He said they'd have to ask her themselves if they want to know what she did.
Jon said that Sal is out there with some stuff but with the voting stuff he seems very uptight. Sal said that the ''stupid'' stuff bothers him on the show. He said he's tried to read the paper more lately but they still goof on him and that bothers him. He said that he's trying to be informed to make the right decision and he's still wrong when he does it. He said that 9 times out of 10 these politicians are full of shit.
Gary said that Sal isn't reading that much stuff and he's talking about reading this one column that he read as being part of the reason he voted for Obama. Sal said he reads the NY Post and Newsday but not the NY Times. He said that he doesn't read them all but he is making a effort to do it. Sal said that everything he's learned about these politicians has proven him right.
Jason said that it's commendable that he's trying harder but it's how he interprets stuff that's a problem. He said that he's misinterpreting what he reads and what he hears.
Sal said that he's reading from both parties. He said that he thinks that he's a democrat right now because of the stuff he believes. The guys were goofing on Sal trying to get him to say ''Republic'' instead of ''Republican.'' Sal did that a couple of times not knowing that he was wrong. Jon told Jason to stop because Sal thought they were trying to fool him when they really weren't.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Sal is retarded or if it's an act. Gary said that he believes that Sal really didn't know where Alaska is or when the President goes into office. The caller told Sal what Obama was really trying to say in his speech last night and how it's the big picture that may not happen in one term. The caller was also saying that someone in Obama's family was once property during the slave days. Benjy said that's not true.
Gary said that in Sal's father's lifetime there was a time when black people weren't even allowed to eat in the same area as whites. Sal said it's great and it's a tremendous thing for the African American's today.
Sal went on to say that Robin only likes Obama because he's black. Sal said that it's 90 percent of the reason why Robin likes him. Sal said that he knows that most black people are like that and he learned that up in Harlem when he was up there interviewing people.
Jason said that just because you vote for a black guy doesn't mean you're throwing them a bone. Sal said that's not what he was saying. It was just Robin talking about him that he didn't want to hear anymore.
Gary said that he thinks that Robin generally votes for the Democrats so it's not that big of a deal that she voted for Obama. Sal said he just wanted her to be quiet about it already. He didn't want them to over think it.
Jason made a comment to Sal that he didn't like so he told him that he's so uninteresting. He said that Jason likes to feel superior to him and that's why he does that. Sal said that it doesn't help people to tell them that they're stupid. Jason said he's right, he's not trying to help him.
Sal was laughing and didn't want Richard to see him doing that. He said he was doing it because he was diverting his own tears to laughter.
Richard said it really bummed him out that they canceled the show. He said he found out on Halloween too and that's his favorite show.
Richard said that he used to call his parents when he was over in Europe to talk about the show and they'd spend like an hour doing it. Gary said that it's not that much weirder than Artie crying over a Michael Jackson song or him crying over an Elton John song. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Gary about his cupcake and what Artie was saying about it today. Artie brought it up saying there was too much cream in the middle. Gary said that he didn't make any changes to it so he's not sure why Artie was saying there was too much in there. Gary said Artie tried it 3 weeks ago and it was fine, today it wasn't.
Gary said that Crumbs came to him and asked him if he wanted to do the cupcake thing and he wanted to bring in more money for charity. He said the Artie cupcake was a good money maker but they had to stop accepting money from him for the comments he made on the air.
Gary said he thinks that Artie is upset with him because he didn't defend him enough during that whole thing. Benjy said that he doesn't think that Artie is mad at Gary but he is mad at the charity for not accepting his money.
Gary said that Artie tried to pull a clip of him calling someone a fag one time to get back at him. He said that when Artie went off on High Pitch Mike he wasn't joking around. He was very serious. Usually when they do that on the show they're just joking about it. That time Artie was very serious.
Jon said that he thinks that Artie is upset that Gary is following him in the cupcake thing. Benjy said he thinks that Artie really didn't like the cupcake today.
Gary said that it's peanut butter and chocolate. He said he loves those flavors and he told the guys at the bakery what he thought they should do. Gary said they came up with a great cupcake and they made about a dozen and he made a change to the chocolate and that was it. Gary said he thinks that it's fine the way it is.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Artie is mad because Gary keeps doing everything he does. He said he went to Afghanistan and now he's doing the cupcake thing. The guy said he's even getting fat like Artie. He told Gary it's boring.
Jon asked if he thinks Gary gets on Artie's nerves. The guy said that he's getting on his nerves and he should go out and do his own thing. Gary said that he does that and he's not trying to do the same thing as Artie. He only did two things in 7 years.
Gary said Ralph was doing the same thing as this caller is. He said Ralph told Howard that Gary was doing this stuff that Artie was doing and now he won't do anything else with Artie. He said he wouldn't want Artie to think that he wants to get in on his thing. He said he would do it if Artie asked him to do it.
Gary said he's had this idea to do a book but it wouldn't be anything like Artie's book. He had the idea way before Artie's book deal came around too.
Ralph called in and said that he understands why Artie would be upset about the cupcake thing. He thought they bashed Artie but Gary said they really didn't. Ralph said that they turned down big money from the sales of that cupcake. They used to take the money and then they just stopped taking it.
Ralph said that it is possible that Artie didn't like the cupcake. Gary said that he had the exact same cupcake a month ago and it was fine. Today it wasn't the same. Gary said they didn't change it as far as he knows. Ralph said the cupcake sounds disgusting to him after Gary said that it was peanut butter cream cheese in the middle.
Gary said that they live in their own world there at the show. He said that he couldn't promise the people at the charity that Artie would never say that word (Fag) again on the air. Gary said that they were getting a bunch of complaints about him and they had to end it at that time. They had to take the money from the sales up until then because people who bought the cupcakes thought that they were giving money to the charity.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the filling really isn't a cream cheese taste, it's more like a frosting in the middle. The caller asked why Artie can't donate his money to another charity. Gary said he's not sure what they're doing with that money for his cupcake right now.
Gary said that Benjy is a very funny guy and he wouldn't be there if he wasn't. He said that if you don't recognize when he gives Howard a joke, that's the way it should be. Back when Jackie was on they could tell when he'd pass Howard a joke because Jackie would laugh so hard at his own jokes.
Gary said that Benjy has some great ideas in their weekly meetings. Benjy will throw out something crazy and Howard will change it a little bit and they turn out to be great ideas.
Sal said that Benjy's ideas are absurd but then they sink in and turn out to be great. Gary said Benjy contributes as much as anyone else on the show.
Sal said that Benjy never stands up for himself when people ask questions like that. Jon disagreed and said that he does stand up for himself. Benjy said that it is frustrating sometimes because people don't know that he's writing those jokes that get such huge laughs.
Gary said that it's not supposed to work that way so people know which jokes he's writing. They're supposed to be behind the scenes.
Jon said he thinks Benjy is brilliant and he's welcome there on the show anytime, even though he does bring the show to a halt.
Another caller said that Richard is fascinating and wanted to know how he can hang out with him for just a night. Richard told him to come out and see him at a comedy show they're doing on the 20th. He said they always hang out with the fans after the show. He said they do that at every comedy show they do. Richard told that caller to come out and hang with them at Maguire's out on Long Island on the 20th.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had to go to bat for Sal. He said he's disappointed in the Obama thing and he wonders why Obama was elected and by whom. The guy wondered about some other stuff that Jason was thinking and said that he thinks he's a hypocrite. The guy said that Obama spent his entire life with people who hate the Jews and he can't believe that Jason would support that. Jason came in a short time later and said that Obama's support came mostly from college educated people. He also said that he didn't stand with Louis Farrakhan like the caller was saying. the caller was yelling at Jason for being a hypocrite. They ran out of time as the two of them were arguing. They ended the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show asking how many kids Martin Luther King Jr. had. He said they all seem to be suing each other all the time. Artie said that he thought it was 4. Howard said it's actually three from what he was reading in the paper. He read through the article and talked about what they were suing each other about. The kids are suing over their father's personal letters.
Howard said all of the kids have some kind of claim on their parents things. They're all fighting over it now. Gary said that one of the kids has a book in the works and the book company wants pictures within 7 days or they're going to cancel the $300,000 deal.
Artie said that it's weird when you have access to something unique and you need it to make some money. He said the kids probably need money and that's what this is all about. Howard said this kid Dexter should just write some fake letters and pretend that they're his father's.
Howard did his black impression and said that he would turn his father into Nostradamus. He said he'd be predicting that there would be a black president in 2008 and things like that.
Howard said he read an article where they say that 70 percent of the voters in California voted against gay marriage. He found that to be odd. He said he thought that they would know what it was like to be oppressed and maybe vote in favor of it.
Artie said he was never hostile toward anyone in school but there were a lot of Guido kids who were sort of rough on the gay kids in school. He said the black kids were even worse toward them though.
Howard figures that he never even got the message he left for Dominic. He said the woman told him that he was in a meeting at the time so he just told her to tell him he called. He said that Dominic waits for his every word so he thinks he would have called back.
Howard said he wanted to hear the stories from Dominic to find out what went on with his wife. He said you really have to talk to both sides though so you can hear what they both think. He figures that he'll say that she's crazy and she'll say something completely different.
Howard said Richard cried on the Wrap Up Show yesterday when he was talking about the TV show ''King of the Hill.'' Howard said it apparently looked worse than it sounded. He played the clip where Richard broke down as he was talking about how the show reminds him of his own family.
Howard said that Richard is crying over a cartoon. Artie said he had that reaction.. when his father died. Howard gave Richard a ''Wah!'' Artie said he's going to treat Richard like a slow person. Howard said he cried when they canceled the Jetsons.
Howard had another clip from the Wrap Up Show where Sal was talking about how he voted for Obama but no one believes him. Sal was also obliterating words during the show. Sal was saying ''Republic'' instead of ''Republican.'' Gary came in and told Howard that Sal just got pissed because that's what they had written in the voting booth.
Howard played another clip where Sal says ''abzurd'' instead of ''absurd.'' Howard goofed on him about that a little bit.
Howard said he was singing ''Strawberry Field'' in the car the other day when he heard the replay of the show where he played The Fab Faux's cover of the song. He and Robin talked about how great that performance is.
Howard said that Bill O'Reilly defended Palin's stupidity in the clip. He played more of that clip where Bill said that he spoke to Palin on the phone and wanted her to come on the show but they wouldn't let her do it alone. Howard didn't have the clip where he was actually defending her.
Robin said she figured that they would never let Palin out again after the election was over. Howard said that he was impressed by Obama saying that he might name John Kerry as Secretary of State. Howard said he likes that idea. Robin said that Obama is busy putting together a staff already and he likes that. He said other countries are already looking at Obama instead of Bush to help them out.
Howard said that they are liked around the world better already. He said that's a good thing and people are amazed at who we elected.
Howard said Oprah was having a huge show and celebration about Obama's win. He said that the show was all about her though. He said they're putting a little too much pressure on this guy already and he's not even in office yet. Robin said he has monumental problems waiting for him.
The guys talked about Sal thinking that Obama was going to be in office the day after the election. They also talked about Sal saying that Obama was already letting them know that he wasn't going to be able to change the country as soon as he said he was going to.
Howard said that he wrote a bunch of cool books. Howard said that they claim he was making up to $200 million a year in the 90s. Artie said he had the Jurassic Park money back then.
Howard said he was reading about Obama's upbringing and saw that his father was really dark and that he was raised by a gaggle of white women. Robin asked if he was trying to reassure himself about that this morning. Howard said of course that's what he's doing.
Robin was defending herself about what Sal was saying about her voting for Obama. She said that she was going go vote Democrat either way. She said that it didn't matter if it was Obama or Hillary Clinton.
Howard said that he wouldn't get all psyched up if a Jew became President. He said that not every black person is going to get excited over Obama being elected.
Eric told Howard that he didn't get to be with his chicks again after the show. He said that they were all too tired after doing the show and all of that.
Eric said he was calling in today to thank them for having him as a guest. Howard asked if it was fun. Eric said it was.
Eric said that he didn't get to meet Fred when he was there. He said that he wouldn't even get up to shake his hand. Howard said that Fred doesn't like the handicapped people. He has a fear of them. Fred said it's Handicapaphobia.
Fred said he had to run commercials and stuff when Eric was leaving so he wasn't able to do it. He told Eric he has a job and he knows he doesn't know what that's like. Fred said that Eric was so small he didn't even know he was leaving. He said he's not sure he would have liked him anyway.
Eric said that he would have been nice to him. Fred said that Eric threatened to break his fingers one time and he's the only one he did that to.
Artie said that he didn't meet Fred until his third year there. Fred joked that Eric was busy staring at Diana Degarmo's pussy. Howard said that he wasn't staring at her.
Eric said he wasn't staring and he was just wondering how she would react to him being friends with people from the Bunny Ranch. He said that springing her in on him in the studio may have screwed up that whole thing.
Artie told Eric that his friendship with Diana can still stay in his head. Eric was saying that he thought they were bringing in someone he had never met before but he had met Diana a couple of times before.
Howard let Eric go because it was a big deal to have Diana in there for him. Howard said he's imposable to satisfy.
Howard said he has to spend an hour and a half in the car going to the wedding. He said he's not sure what he's going to do. He said Beth might sleep during the drive. He said that even if they banged in there, it would only last 5 seconds. He said he'll have his computers and stuff in his bag to keep himself busy though. He said he'll have a computer, crayons and stuff like that. Fred told him to read Artie's book ''Too Fat To Fish.'' Howard said that's a good idea, he might do that.
Fred said that Artie's book is so good that you need to read it slow and savor it all. He said that you have to read it real slow because there's so much to digest. He said that there are certain chapters where you think that you've arrived in hell.
Howard said that Fred has a book in him. He's gone through some crazy stuff. Fred said he'd have to wait for certain people to die before he could write one.
Howard said he heard that Jason is going to Rick's Cabaret the night before his wedding. Jason said that he is going there because he has a bunch of friends coming into town. He said he's got nothing else to do that night.
Fred asked Jason if he's going to take Viagra that night. Jason said he doesn't need Viagra, he just has it because he's on Lexipro, an anti-depressant, and that can cause problems with erections.
Howard asked Jason about how the wedding is going to go. Jason said they're going to get married around 5:15 and he can show up around that time. He said that he's going to try and emulate Howard's wedding as much as he can. They're going to keep it very short. Jason said the chick that's marrying them wrote up a really long thing and he cut lines out of it.
Jason said that this woman is doing a Unitarian ceremony and they found her on the internet. She can legally marry them. Jason said that they are having a Jewish thing there but the ceremony won't be any religion.
Jason said that he's supposed to get lifted but that's so embarrassing. Gary said that they have to try and lift him up.
Jason said that his fiancee wanted him to have a Chuppah there so they're going to have that. Jason said that he started putting his foot down about some shit so they could cut back on the spending. Jason said they didn't have to buy anything special for the Chuppah. Howard told him that's a religious thing and wondered why he would have it there. Jason said that it's just going to sit there and they wanted it so it's not a big deal.
Howard asked Jason why he doesn't put a big Metallica logo over it since he's saying that the Chuppah is ''random.'' Robin didn't get why he was doing the Chuppah thing if they're not doing a traditional wedding. Jason said that the thing was there, they just went with it. Jason said they don't want God in the ceremony and they're going to be projecting their own image on the Chuppah.
The guys pointed out that Howard was under a Chuppah at his wedding. Howard claimed he didn't know that's what it was, he thought it was just flowers.
Howard ended up telling Jason he really doesn't care. He asked how many people he's having at his wedding. Jason said it's 175 or so.
Howard said he thought Jason wasn't being an asshole like Will was holding his wedding 4 hours away. He thought New Jersey wasn't too far away but it's an hour and a half away. Jason said that it's like an hour away. Howard said it's going to be an hour and a half according to Ronnie. Jason said Ronnie was just there saying it was an hour and 15.
Howard said there are plenty of places near New York that he could have the wedding. Gary said that it's going to be like an hour and 49 for him. The guys out on Long Island are going to be like 3 hours out. Gary said he's psyched to go.
Artie said that they lifted him up in the chair during Ross' wedding. He said it was a lot of fun but he wasn't as big as he is now. Howard said he wouldn't trust anyone holding him up like that.
Howard said he did a Mapquest thing to Jason's wedding and Mapquest laughed at him. Howard let Jason go after that. Artie said he can't wait until Monday when they talk about the wedding.
Howard said Jason totally blew it with this wedding. He's spending a ton of money on it and he's still got college loans he's paying off. Artie wondered why anyone would put themselves through something like that if they don't have the money.
Howard said Oprah seems to be going berserk. Robin said that it does seem that she has some issues. They were going to play more of the audio but ended up talking about Ronnie ''Woo Woo'' again. Robin knew the station he was on there in New York and surprised Howard with her knowledge of the guy. Howard said he used to know the history of guys like that.
Howard got back to the Oprah clips and went through more of that. Oprah was making a huge deal out of the Obama thing. She gave her audience two words and said ''Mr. President!'' and got the audience cheering again.
Gary pulled up some information about the radio guys they were talking about. They talked about Murray the K and some other guys from WMCK.
Howard said he had a guy on the phone saying that Hackettstown, where Jason's wedding is being held, is an hour and 45 minutes away. Howard said he knows that he's going to be in the car for like 2 hours. He said that it's the worst torture that a person can put a person through.
The caller said he guarantees that it's going to be at least 2 hours for Howard. Howard said that they'd better not wait for him to get there because he's going to be late. Jason said that he looked it up on google maps and it's an hour and 10 minutes. The caller said that he drives from Middletown, New Jersey and it takes him an hour and 45. Jason said that's not coming in from the city.
Howard told Jason that for ever minute over 70 minutes he's going to make him take a cock to his face. Jason just laughed.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in about Oprah's show and how she had a token white woman on the show with her and she was being a phony. Howard said she does have to put a show on but she might be being a little ridiculous.
Howard hung up on Mariann in the middle of a sentence. Gary came in and told Howard that Jason just checked another map and it was saying that it would be like an hour and 15 minutes.
Howard said that they don't live in a place where they can just hop on the interstate and go. He said he has to get out of the city before he gets on the road.
The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about the wedding and how some of them are going to be staying in Hackettstown so they don't have to drive home.
Gary said he looked up the mileage from his house to the wedding and it was 89 miles. Howard said he can't believe Jason is doing this to them. He told Jason he doesn't like him now.
Jason said that they're the only people who live in the city. The rest of his family and friends are in New Jersey or New York. He said that Howard was the one who pulled himself into the wedding anyway. He didn't have to go.
Howard played more of the Oprah clips he had. Oprah was talking about how the election came out and how disappointed she would be if this wasn't the outcome. She said that she understands how people might feel if they didn't vote for Obama. Howard wrapped up that segment a short time later and went to break.
Howard came back and said he just wanted to go home because he's so annoyed. He said that Beth called him during the show and asked him to call her back. He tried calling her back but got his voice mail system that pisses him off. He tried to tell it to ''call home'' but just kept giving him a beep and thought he was saying ''call car?'' Howard said he tried during the whole break to make it work and it didn't happen. Howard said he has a phone in the studio that he can use for this. He said he tried Gary's phone after that and it was still saying ''Call Car?'' over and over.
Robin said she hates that thing too and it once asked her if she wanted to spend more time with it so it could learn more about her voice. Artie said it asks him that every time too.
Howard said that Gary had his door locked when he went to use his phone. Gary tried to explain it but Howard told him not to talk because he's so annoyed right now.
Howard said he got his Franklin Covey book out and tried to find the inside line to his house but he wasn't able to find it. Then he tried ''Call Home'' again and it didn't work. Gary tried to call Beth and when he said he got her, he tried to transfer it but she wasn't there. It turns out Gary has Beth's number and he doesn't.
Howard said he's been having some work done at his apartment and when he got out of the shower today he had 50 guys there. Then Beth called him and told him that they set an alarm off in their apartment so a bunch of fire fighters showed up. They thought that there was a fire in their entertainment center.
Howard said he's going to call the guy today and tell him he doesn't need an alarm in there like that. Howard said that everything is aggravating him. He said they have to call the contractor and find out what the fuck is going on there.
Howard said he has to get some normalcy in his life. Robin said that if they have a fire alarm in a cabinet with a DVR in it, it's going to set it off all the time. Howard said he really hates change. Artie asked him why he voted for Obama then.
Artie said he's called Howard's voice mail system a few times and it'll say ''Oh hi!'' when it recognizes your voice. Howard said that the phone system will yawn if you call it before 5:30 in the morning. He said that's really annoying to him. He said he's going to cancel it today even though he's had it for years.
Robin said that you really do get annoyed with the system after a while. Howard said that the system has some cool features because it'll forward a call to wherever he's at if he sets it up right. He said that he'll forget to set it up and that doesn't help things. Robin said she thought that he was just avoiding her calls. Howard said he's only done that 4 or 5 times.
Howard said he can conference in a bunch of people on a call too but he's done with it now. He said he's just going to do what everyone else does and give out his cell number or something. Howard said that he's sick of technology at this point. He said that he has to reboot his computer all the time and that makes him nuts too. Robin said she can't get on her wireless half the time on her computer. Howard told her that Jeff Schick should be able to figure that out. Robin said he's busy.
Howard said that he's been asking his psychiatrist why he's going so nuts over this stuff. He said he's very tired and that might be part of it today. Howard said Beth took her mom and aunt out to a play last night and he wasn't able to fall asleep. He said that the dog kept him up snoring and he had to kick her out of the room. He can't take care of the dog himself and he's just a mess.
Robin said she's moving her cats into the city so she was driving all over the place and getting prescriptions filled for them. She said she had to go to the pet store and she just couldn't take it anymore. She said the cats went under the bed and wouldn't even stay with her after that.
Artie said he had to do the pre-interview with Letterman's people yesterday. He said he didn't want to do the call because he felt like he wanted to cuddle up in the fetal position. He said that it's like doing two different shows. He said he's become close with the kid, Matt Roberts, but he still hates doing the pre-interview. Artie said that Natalie Portman was on before him and she's smoking hot and her face was angelic. He said that she didn't say a god damn thing but Letterman seemed to be taken with her. He said she looked really hot.
Howard told Artie that Natalie is a Jew. He said he think she went to Harvard or Yale. Robin said that it was for acting though.
Ralph called in and said that the best catch phrase is ''hey now.'' He also said that they ripped off a bit from the show last night. They had McCain doing a speech and they cut it up like Richard does with the clips on the show. Howard said that Leno is the real con man who rips them off a lot. Ralph said that this bit went from Kimmel to Letterman.
Howard said that Leno ripped off the show by doing that Jay Walking bit. Leno denies they ripped it off from Howard though. Howard said Leno's writers love his show and they rip him off with that stuff. He said he's getting out of this business in 2 years anyway so let them do what they want. He said they can live off the show for the next 100 years with all of the ideas they've come up with.
Howard said that they'll never do any funny or edgy bits like he does though. He demonstrated some of that with an edited William Shatner audio book clip where they had him saying all kinds of dirty stuff. He said that people always put him down for what he does and then people rip him off and they're geniuses all of a sudden. Howard said he does these bits and forgets about them and then people rip them off and do them every day for years.
Artie said that he turned down Leno. Howard told him he should have done it. Howard said the next time he does Letterman he's going to tell him that he's the only guest he has that won't do Leno. Everyone else does Leno.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that the bit wasn't a rip off from the show. Ralph said that it really is a rip off. Vinnie said that it's bad video edits and the stuff they do on Howard's show is much cleaner and a completely different bit.
Ralph said that Vinnie is drinking the Cool Aid and falling for it. Ralph said that it's the same thing except it's video. Vinnie said that their stuff is well done and the stuff on Letterman isn't that well crafted. Howard said he's seen the bit and it is a rip off.
Vinnie told Ralph that he's wrong about this because he doesn't know the difference between an audio joke and a video joke. Howard said the only difference is that theirs is audio and Letterman's is video. Howard played more of the Shatner stuff and demonstrated what it is they're talking about. Vinnie said that he knows it's a fine line but it is a video joke. Howard said that it must be his mistake then. Howard said Leno does it with video too so that must not be a rip off of his show.
Howard played more of the Shatner stuff and said that it really is undetectable just like Vinnie said. Howard said he's thinking of doing an audio Top 10 List and since they wouldn't be able to see it, it wouldn't be a rip off. Vinnie said that it's a visual joke that they do on Letterman, it's not a rip off.
Artie said there was another bit they did last night that he saw. He said they taped two episodes last night and they had McCain's head on a drummer doing something. Vinnie said they didn't change his words in that bit and he thinks it came from YouTube.
Howard said they used to do a bit on the channel 9 show where they put a picture up and moved the mouth. This guy Frank Smiley was on the show at the time. Then they ended that show and Frank moved on to do Conan O'Brien's show and he brought that bit over there. They've been using the bit almost daily where he uses another mouth as the picture's mouth. Howard said that was his gift to Conan. Vinnie said that's like Clutch Cargo. Howard said that they applied it to people in the news though so that's how they made it unique and had it ripped off.
Fred told Vinnie that if this ''visual joke'' was really visual, they should be able to take the audio out and it would still be funny. Howard told Vinnie that he doesn't care anymore and he's out in 2 years anyway.
Ralph told Vinnie not to deny it and just admit they ripped Howard's show off. Vinnie refused to do it. Ralph also said that there were no interns on any shows until Howard put interns on the air. Vinnie said they don't do intern stuff over there, that's Leno.
Howard hung up on both Vinnie and Ralph. He said that he already knows that he has stuff ripped off all the time. Howard said that Street Smarts, Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader and other shows have ripped him off. He said he knows he's a genius and it's lonely being one.
Howard said he can't be walking around bitter and angry all the time. He said he can't go around complaining about that stuff. He said he just has to look at it like Dave is a big fan and he was influenced by this show.
Howard said his shrink would tell him that he's got things that happened to him early on in life that are leading to this anger. Artie asked if he tries to analyze dreams too. Howard said of course he does.
Robin said that she showed Howard her tits in a dream recently. Howard said she must really want to show them to him then. She said that she woke up just as he was going to grab them in the dream. She said it was a terrible dream.
Artie said that his father was in business with Dan the Song Parody Man in this dream. He said he was really upset about it. Howard said it probably means that he's in love with his mother and hates his father. Benjy said he thinks he has it. He said he's starting to confront his problems with his father. Howard shut Benjy's mic off and tried to get him to stop but he kept talking. Howard told them to have that conversation off the air.
Artie said he was disturbed by how much he hated his father in the dream. Robin said that might be what he really feels and it was just his subconscious coming out. Howard said it sounds like maybe he's got some gay stuff coming out there too. He said he really doesn't know what that dream means.
Howard said he had a dream once when he was stuck in a basement that had shit up to his knees. He said he was stuck in it. There was another dream where he wasn't able to get into a house to get any warmth. He said he has a lot of fucked up dreams like that. He said he had a dream where he has to drive out to Hackettstown to Jason's wedding and he can't get there. Then he gets there and he's so angry he kills Jason.
Howard said in that dream about Jason's wedding he has a nightmare about being stuck there with Dan the Song Parody Man under the Chuppah. That led to him talking about the knives that Dan has given him as gifts. He said that one of the knives was huge, almost like a sword. He said he actually gave him a holster for the big knife he got like he wanted him to wear it.
Howard said he actually does use the knives to open boxes and stuff. He uses Robin's letter opener a lot too. He said he wonders what Dan is using those knives for. He said he must be up to something with those things. Robin said that Dan is kind of like Imus because he's always dressed up like some kind of character.
Artie said that he's had nightmares about Dan as a woman. He said that he shaved his goatee and he has no chin. He said that some guys need that goatee. Howard said those things are really weird and they put the accent on your lips.
Howard said he used to have a moustache too. Then the guys put up a picture of Dan when he was dressed up as a woman. The guys were all disturbed by that image. They had a picture of Jason dressed as a woman and Howard said that's what all of the people at his wedding are going to look like.
Howard said he heard that Dan the Song Parody Man owes Artie some money. Artie said he didn't want to get into that. He said that he doesn't ''loan'' people money, he apparently ''gives'' them the money. Howard said that he's got a lot of people who ask him for money too. Artie said that he's given money to KC and Crazy Cabbie among others. Howard said that Artie could probably pay for the war based on the amount he's owed. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Artie said that it really is throwing away a career. Howard said he knew a guy many years ago who they called ''Al Cigarette'' who would set his alarm for 2 in the morning just so he could smoke. He said that guy has to be dead by now.
Artie said he knew guys who would smoke while shaving. Howard said he used to smoke while he was shaving. They talked about musicians who play with their cigarette in their guitar or in their mouth and the smoke is burning their eyes as they're playing. Keith Richards was an example of that.
Howard said he had some info about Martin Luther King's kids and why they're suing each other. He said they did some research and found that Dexter King, who looks kind of like his dad, is being accused of taking money from their mother's estate. The brother and sister claim that he took more than he was supposed to take. Now he's using their parent's personal letters to write this book and they're saying that they're not his to use. They're supposed to all be involved.
Howard read through the article about the kids and what they're suing each other over. Howard said they had a sweet picture of the kids when they were little and still innocent.
Howard said he had a bit he was going to play but he spoiled it when he said it was Blue Iris. He was going to say that this is what Amy Winehouse is going to sound like in a couple of years. They had Blue singing a couple of songs.
Artie said that Blue calls him once in a while and tells him that she's working on a sitcom with a part for him.
Artie didn't want to turn the guy over to a loan shark so Artie gave him the money instead. The guy gave him back $1000 of the 5,000 in the first month but then he never heard from the guy again when he left the show. Artie said that he called the guy a bunch of times and didn't get a call back. Then the guy told him that he wasn't going to pay him back the 4 grand he owed but he was going to let him in on the back end deal on this show he was going to pitch. The guy wanted him to hook him up with his agent.
Artie said he heard about the show and it had glaring problems and there was no way it was going to get picked up. Artie said he told the guy the agent's number and that was 3 years ago. He hasn't heard from him since.
Sherri was telling the girls that it was an extraordinary day for her because she could tell her son that he could be anything he wanted to. Barbara Walters kept asking why she was undecided until the last day then. Sherri never answered her on that.
Howard said that Whoopi Goldberg's voice is sounding even more manly these days. He wondered what's going on there. That led to him doing an impression of that voice and the voice she used to do as a man years ago. Artie said that all of the voices sounded the same when she'd do them in her act.
Howard said that the way Sherri and Oprah are acting he thinks that they should have a new National anthem. He said it should be ''Makossa.'' Fred played the song and then threw in some clips of Riley Martin talking in that wacky language he uses on his radio show.
Howard was trying to find a good National Anthem and said that Obama needs to ''black it up'' a little better for the inauguration. Robin said someone said he should be electric sliding down the aisle. Howard said that maybe they could use the theme from Shaft. Robin said ''Superfly'' and Obama wearing a pimp outfit. Fred played some ''Funky Town'' but Howard thought he was making a mockery of the whole thing with that song.
Howard said they need the entries by November 14th. Howard said you can find out more at SIRIUS.com/HowardStern.
Howard talked about some of the other shows that are on Howard TV this month like Wack Pack at the Christy Farm. He had the top 5 shows over there and they have one where they had 5 masturbators. Howard said they couldn't air it on E! when they did that one. They also have Richard drumming on Bobo's ass as number 4. Number 3 was John the Stutterer vs. Scott DePace. Number 2 was Sandi Taylor returning to the show and at number 1 was the Halloween special.
Howard said he told Doug Goodstein that they need more nudity in these shows that they're producing so they have Victoria Zdrok naked in the Halloween special.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he got Artie's book, ''Too Fat To Fish,'' last week and finished reading it over the weekend. He said he loved it. Howard said that Fred was saying you need to read it slower so you can savor it. The caller said that he's going to be up in Canada to see Artie tomorrow night.
Howard jokingly said that there's a loan form in the back of Artie's book for those people who need to borrow from him.
Howard said they got some new song parodies about Robin. He said he had one from Little Mikey. He sang about wanting Robin's tongue to lick his taint. Goody Dickman sent one in as well. Howard played that one and it was to the tune of ''So Unusual'' and he sang about Robin putting coffee up her ass and sausage in her gash among other things. Howard said that Robin is kind of unusual for doing that kind of stuff.
Howard said Dan the Song Parody Man came up with a new Obama clip. He had the Pastor Manning ''OBAMA!'' clip thrown in with a couple of songs. Howard quickly played those and then went to break.
Howard came back a short time later and said it didn't sound like ''Street Fightin' Man.'' He said that they were offered the shot at having the whole cast of ''Tommy'' come in to perform Who songs. Howard said he was told that they do a better versions of the songs than The Who do now. Fred said that's not possible. Gary said he was saying that they do it better than The Who do it now. Fred said it doesn't matter and they can't do it better than The Who.
Howard said he was on his computer last night writing something for someone and he was getting annoyed that he volunteered to do this thing for this person. He said he hates everything. Howard said he got a note about Scott Greenstein getting upset about what he said about him on the show the other day. He said he started to feel bad for the guy after that. Howard said that he doesn't mean to bum the guy out. He said that he knows that Scott is going to come to him and tell him that he really wasn't upset.
Gary said that Scott introduced himself to him as ''the guy who doesn't know talent'' when he talked to him yesterday. Howard said that when you work under Mel Karmazin, you're always under major pressure. He said that anything you say about someone in the company is going to get back to Mel and it can cause problems.
Howard said that things aren't good when the stock is at 26 cents. Robin told him not to tell her that because she's trying to live in blissful ignorance.
Howard said that Scott really does know a lot of famous people. He said that he was at a party Scott had and he had Little Steven and Tony Hawk there. Bam Margera was there too. He said that was just a bar mitzvah and he can't imagine who would have been there if it was a wedding.
Howard said he loves Scott and he can do no wrong in his eyes. Howard said he knows that Scott knows people. He sees him walking around there with Richie Sambora. They're just paling around. Artie said he heard that Robert Plant was in his office one day. Fred said that was a ''rubber plant'' not Robert Plant. Howard said that he saw him with Alicia Keys one day.
Howard said that he actually feels bad for Scott Greenstein and that's probably because of his 10 years of therapy. He said that one day he called someone after he said something about them on the air. He said that he didn't want to say who it was because it was some meaningful stuff in his life. He said that he wants to be a bigger man about that kind of stuff and stop being a douche bag. Robin said that shaking Imus' hand was a big thing too. Howard said that was just weird.
Howard said Imus was all dressed up like a cowboy so it kind of threw him off. He said it was like running into the guy from the Village People. He said that maybe Imus wants to be Woody from that Toy Story movie.
Howard said Imus just shook his hand and kept walking that day. He grunted but didn't really say anything. Howard said it was nice. Robin said she really doesn't like the guy as a human being. Howard agreed with her on that and said he doesn't like him either. He was just being nice to the guy.
Howard said he went home and sanitized his hands after that. He said he's got so many bottles of hand sanitizer that he has shopping bags full of it in his cabinets. Robin said that he could get some kind of infection because he's trying to remove all of the bacteria from his hands. Howard said he has the stuff on different surfaces so he has it around all the time.
Howard said he was at a restaurant the other day and about 20 people shook his hands. He went back and washed his hands so he could eat. Then the chef came out and shook his hand and the guy's hand was sopping wet. He said he was just about to eat. Artie said that he's not weird for getting upset about that. Artie said that you shouldn't shake hands if they're trying to eat.
Robin said that she shook Eric the Midget's hand and it was like a silk pillow to her. Howard said it was pretty soft.
Howard said he wants to dab his penis off but he doesn't want to have to wash his hands. He said he could dab it with his shirt or something.
Gary asked Howard if he finds that it's hard to pee with a suit on. He said that sometimes you think you're done and you're not quite done so you have to pull your pants down. Howard said the other night his underwear got so wet he had to change them. The guys got a laugh out of that.
Howard told Artie he'll have to go through this in a few years. Artie is 41 now and Howard said in about 7 years things are going to go down hill. Artie said he can't imagine what going down hill for him is going to be like.
Mike said that he used to make fun of his wife for how many times she'd have to stop to pee. Now he has to do the same thing.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said that they can't feel too bad for Larry because he's fucked over so many women in his life. He's been married like 7 times. Howard said he doesn't think Larry is done getting married either.
Howard goofed on Larry for a few minutes doing an impression of him lying about knowing Sandy Kofacs and things like that. Howard said that it's going to be tough for Larry to go into that Duke Zebarts bar now. He said that he goes there regularly and now people are going to look at him differently.
Howard talked about doing the Larry King show a few years ago and how taken he was with Beth. Howard said Larry forgot about him pretty quickly after seeing Beth. Howard said Larry went out and made Beth come into the studio during the interview even though she didn't want to be in there. Larry wanted her sitting close to him, almost on his lap. Howard said Larry almost pushed him over when he went to ask her if she enjoyed the interview. He said Larry was overly concerned with Beth.
Howard played a clip of Larry talking to a guy about journalism and not having a clue what the guy was talking about. Larry sounded wasted because he was up for some long show he was doing. He was doing like 30 days in a row or something like that. Howard said that they should bring that show, Open Phone America, back. Artie had never heard that clip before. Howard said he misses that show. He said it sounded like Larry nodded out a few times in that clip.
After playing the clip Howard played some of Richard's edited version of some Larry King audio clips. That led to them talking about Vinnie Favale's comments about their clips being ''seemless'' while the Letterman edits weren't. They had a ton of the clips that Howard went through. Then Howard played the video clip from Letterman where they edited together the John McCain stuff to make him say something he didn't actually say. Howard said he can't wait for some kid to come up to him and asked him if he stole that bit from Letterman.
Steve came in and said that he didn't do an interview with Eric. Eric said that's why he's calling in. Steve said that an associate of his said that he didn't want to talk to him. Eric said that was true. Steve was taking that as a ''no comment.''
Howard thanked Eric for calling in. Eric said ''...no problem.'' Howard said Eric sure ripped Steve a new asshole.
Howard asked Steve to do his thing but Gary came in around that time and showed them the picture of the guy Larry King's wife is allegedly cheating with. Robin said ''Wow!'' when she saw him. Artie laughed his ass off. He said that this guy must be doing it just for the story. Howard said the guy is so handsome that he'd do him.
Howard played a clip of Donald Trump telling Larry King that he has very bad breath during an interview. Howard said that was a weird moment. He said Trump can be very direct. He said that he even said something about Al D'Amato during the wedding about his story being too long. It was right after Al told the story in front of them.
Steve got to his news preview and said that Artie show his Letterman appearance last night and he was there. He said Artie's mother and sister were there. Artie said his mother had never come with him there before so that was a first for her.
Howard said that Artie was probably trying to do the show and had to worry about how everyone was doing there. Artie was also saying that there were a bunch of people back there so he can't watch the show as it's on. JD said that Artie was actually taking a picture of people back stage while they posed together. Howard said Artie is trying not to fuck things up on the show and they're busy taking pictures.
Steve said that Artie asked his mom to tie his shoes for him while he was at Letterman. Howard said that's funny and it's like going to kindergarten again.
Steve said they have more about this Geo Group that ran the prison that Kenneth Keith died in. They ended up censoring the video web cast where they laughed when they were asked about a death in one of their prisons. Steve said they have an interview with Pastor Manning who says he's going to start a resistance against Obama going into the White House. That led to Howard playing some of the new Dan the Song Parody Man songs that he had played earlier.
Steve said that High Pitch Mike is going to be doing another rip on Artie today on Howard 100 News. Howard wondered if the feud is on again now. Artie said that he may have said something about Mike that might have gotten back to him. Gary had the clip so he brought it in for Howard. Gary said it was interesting.
Howard played the clip where Mike talks about the people of California banning gay marriage and then talks about how people are still afraid of gay people walking down the street. Then he brought up Artie getting fucked over by the gays. Mike threw in a clip of Artie yelling at him saying that he hopes he gets AIDS. He played a clip of Artie throwing stuff at Sal and then the Teddy attack incident. Mike said that Artie has obviously done nothing wrong. Then he pointed out that Artie is 40 and single and his mom lives with him at his shore house and asked ''who sounds gay now?''
Howard asked Artie what's going on there. Artie said it sounds like they're off again. Artie said that he and Crazy Alice are still friends. Artie said that he held his tongue the other day when Mike came in to talk about the Thriller dance thing. Artie admitted that there's no defending those tapes that he played though.
Howard said that Artie blew his stack over the fact that Teddy said ''Bloomies'' and that was too gay for him. Howard said that Mike went to a couple of Madonna concerts alone recently so that should make Artie feel better. Artie wondered how he's still working there. Howard went to break as Artie was laughing at that question.
Howard said he asked JD to pull some of Larry's wife's music. He played some of her stuff and said that she was actually on a show with Regis out in Las Vegas singing these songs. Howard said she should team up with Nancy Siriani. Howard said he's glad that Beth can't sing.
Fred said that Larry's wife opened up for Don Rickles according to what he read. Howard said that it kind of sucks for Larry because he's supporting her with this singing thing while he's busy working at CNN. The lyrics in her song were ''My angel will find me...'' so Howard said that he did find her, on Larry's desk.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon ran through his list of subjects they were going to try and cover today.
Howard said he wishes that they could have seen him trying to get through his voice activated ''Wild Fire'' thing earlier this morning. Howard did the impression of the voice activated thing asking him ''Call Car'' when he'd say ''Call Home.'' Howard said he's getting rid of that thing today. Howard said that he speaks clearly and it doesn't understand him. He can't imagine what it would do with JD.
Mutt from Superfan Roundtable called in and asked Howard to please tape him trying to get through the voice activated thing. Howard said that if he could have heard him it would have been great. Howard said he was running around like a raving lunatic over the whole thing. He asked the guys to tape him when something like that happens.
Gary said that he's called that system before and it's always worked. He said that Howard really was on fire today. He said that when he was on the air and he tried to butt it really scared him. Howard said Gary has people around his office all the time and they're always bothering him so he keeps one of the doors locked. Gary said that they have people out in the hall all the time but they all have a reason to be there. Howard said he has to rush through that gaggle of people some days and he doesn't have time to stand there and talk.
Howard told Mutt he could have a field day with that tape if it existed. Mutt said Langford should have been there with his recorder. Howard said Steve is busy with that Geo Group story. Gary said he loves the look on Howard's face when Steve brings up that Geo Group. Howard said his eyes roll when he hears that.
Mutt said that they're going to ask the fans about people wanting Robin to shut up on the show. He's also going to talk about what the fans think the feedback about Jason's wedding will be. They're also going to talk about Howard's wedding, Eric the Midget and more. Howard let Mutt go a short time later.
Robin had some audio of George talking about this Prop 8 thing. Howard said it's funny how George has become the go-to guy for this stuff. He thinks that it's because he's been on the show so much in the past few years. Howard said George is kind of boring when he's not on this show though. Howard goofed on George's way of dragging out words for a short time. He said he can make a 4 syllable word into a 90 syllable word.
Howard did his impression of George talking and how he hopes that he's able to keep his marriage. He said he really does love that guy.
Robin had some audio of Sherri Sheppard crying on The View. She spent a minute on that story. She had some audio of Elisabeth Hasselbeck saying that she was going to support Obama even though she wasn't first in line to vote for him. Robin said that made big news for some reason. She also got into a fight with Joy Bahar over that. Howard said he doesn't know who watches that show and he can't imagine sitting through it. He said a clip here and there is fine but they seem to be very chatty. Howard said the real woman who invented The View was Virginia Graham with her show ''Girl Talk.'' He said that was a long time ago though.
Robin said people have to anchor their TVs because they've been falling on children. She said that one fell off a dresser and killed a 4 year old this week.
Howard talked about how much he's been enjoying ''True Blood'' and how he likes the nudity. He said that they might have a little too much guy nudity though. He said that there are a couple of girls on there who get naked and they have smokin' bodies.
Robin said that Danny Bonaduce and his wife Gretchen have ended their marriage officially. That led to Howard talking about how Danny is going to be on their old station in Philly. He said it was David Lee Roth, Kidd Chris, Opie and Anthony and now Danny who have replaced him on morning radio on that station. Robin said he has to pay his ex-wife $16,000 a month in child support so he'll need that job.
Robin said that the Sex and the City Movie is going to have a sequel. Howard said he liked the movie. Robin had some news about the aftermath of the election. She said that there are stories about Sarah Palin being held back from going out and saying anything that might ruin the election. Howard said that she didn't know that Africa was a continent and she wasn't able to answer Katie Couric's questions during an interview.
Robin had some audio of Palin talking about 2012 and what she might do then. Howard said he heard that she used to answer the door dressed in just a towel. He said that must have driven guys nuts.
Robin read some news about the drop on Wall Street. It was the biggest drop post-election ever. Robin said that the market is worried about what the transition of the Presidency is going to be like. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
During the break Howard was complaining about Tim Sabean coming in and throwing programming stuff at him like he could give an answer in 3 seconds. He said that the stuff Tim was asking him about needs more time to discuss.
After the break, around 10:20am, Howard came right back and had Robin get back to her news. She said that Katt Williams has been showing some odd behavior lately. She said that he was asked to do the BET awards but he became erratic and belligerent before the show so they replaced him. Howard said that he's shown up there on time every time he's been on. He was supposed to be on Conan O'Brien's show last night but he didn't show up to do that. Howard had some audio of Conan talking about it on the show. Conan said that they had never had a guest not show up in the 15 years he's been doing the show. Conan said they didn't hear from him at all and they had no clue where he was.
Conan had to kill time there and he was kind of scrambling there. Howard said that people have trouble filling time like that. Howard said he can kill 5 hours talking there so Conan should be able to kill a little time too. Robin said that Katt's people don't even know where he's at and they're worried about him too. Robin said it's reminding her of Dave Chappelle and how he disappeared after having too much success. He's supposed to be doing Carnegie Hall tonight. Howard said he hopes he's okay.
Robin said that Bruce Springsteen is bringing out a new album soon. Howard said it's just in time to promote it on American Idol. Artie said that will never happen. He hopes it will never happen.
Robin said Leonardo DiCaprio told people he was happy with the election results. Michael Moore claims he got teary eyed when he saw Obama won. Scarlett Johansen was also happy about it.
Robin said that Jaime Presley is splitting from her boyfriend that she has a couple of kids with. Robin said that the guy was a club DJ. Howard said that's some job to have.
Robin said that Carnie Wilson is expecting again. Robin said she lost weight so she could get pregnant again. Howard said he'll never understand losing weight to get fat. He said ''her poor body...'' He also said that he likes that the baby weighs like 7 pounds the she gains 200 and claims it's ''baby weight.''
Robin said that they're holding up marriage licenses in California after the Proposition 8 thing passed. Howard said that if gay people can't get married, he's going to boycott all weddings, starting with Jason's this weekend.
Robin read about Michael Crichton's death and said that they're being very secretive about what kind of cancer he had. They played some of the E.R. theme song and an audio clip from Jurassic Park.
Robin said that a woman was attacked by a rabid fox and ran a mile to her car with the fox still attached. She drove to the hospital with the fox in her trunk after being able to get it off. Howard said a mile is a long time to run with something like that attached to her leg. Robin said that people like that are amazing to her. Howard said he would just lay down and die and let the fox have it's way with him.
Robin had a story about Chris Rock being in the new Madagascar animated film. She had some audio of him talking about people loving the first one. That led to Artie talking about how he did an animated series and thinking that kids loved every cartoon. He told his nephew to watch it and the kid hated it. He said he was making $7,500 a week doing that show.
Artie said the show was called ''Game Over'' and it was about a video game family that lived in a regular neighborhood. He said that the scripts were nuts because they didn't make any sense to him at all. Howard said he saw Gilbert doing a show where he plays an animal that talks and he must be making a ton of money from that. Howard said that Artie lucked out and got into the one shitty cartoon out there. Artie said it took him an hour a week to tape it and he was in it with Lucy Liu. He played the wise ass family dog.
Howard said that he played a talking dog in Doomsday but they never ended up making the show. He said he wasn't even sure what they did with it.
Gary came in and said that Forbes just came out with their list of top earning celebrities over 50 years old. Howard was on the list and so was Oprah and Jerry Bruckheimer, Steven Spielberg and a few others. George Lucas was actually behind Howard for the year by 20 million. Howard said they don't even know what he makes. Gary said that most of the people on the list are authors. Howard is twice as much as Jay Leno who is at number 15. Letterman is at number 8. Madonna is at 12 and Howard is at number 5.
Robin said that Tracy Morgan is working with Oprah on 30 Rock tonight so she had some audio of him talking about that. Robin said that it's the final season of E.R. this season and she had John Stamos talking about the final season and this new actor that was coming on board. Howard said Stamos did a good thing and got in a show that was already a hit. He said that's what David Spade does too. Howard said he's thinking about joining the CSI franchise. Robin said she wants to get in on the Law and Order thing. Howard said he'd like to do a ''CSI: Hackettstown'' show.
Howard asked if the guys wanted to see him as a talking booger that lives inside Steve Guttenberg's nose. He said he saw a really strange movie of Steve running naked through Central Park. He figured it was just some comedy bit but it was odd. They ended the show after that, right around 10:45am.
Jon asked Jason about the Chuppah thing and the complaints he was getting about that. Jason said he's assuming that Howard is coming and he hopes that he does come. Will said that they knew that Howard was going to be talking about this today since the schedule was open.
Jon played a clip of Jason talking to Howard about the wedding. Artie told Jason to beg Howard not to go to the wedding. Jason said it'll be fine. He said it would be disappointing if Howard didn't find something to complain about.
Jason said that Benjy changed his mind about the wedding when Howard decided to come. Benjy claims that it wasn't because of Howard going that he changed his mind though. He said he just wanted to go to the wedding after feeling so bad about not going.
Jon asked Gary how long he thinks Howard will stay. Gary said he'll probably stick around for like an hour. He said that hour will have nothing to do with the wedding though. Jason talked about how the dinner will be served and what time that might happen. Gary said Howard won't make it to the main course. He'll stick around for the cocktail hour and maybe a little longer. Gary said that he had a different Howard at his wedding. He was only 6 miles form him back then.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he wanted to ask what their take is on the whole Howard thing and Jason's wedding. He asked how much of the whining is for shtick and how much is real. He said Howard was complaining about everything today. The guy pointed out that Howard had people flying in from across the country to go to his wedding. He said Howard has the nerve to complain about that stuff.
Gary said that some of it is real and some is shtick but the origins of it are in Howard's head. Most people wouldn't say them though. He said he thinks that they're genuine thoughts in his head. Jason said he's right and he thought about how horrible the drive was going to be to Will's wedding in Saratoga but he didn't complain about it.
The caller asked if Howard regrets opening up his mouth and saying certain things on the show. Benjy said he thinks he regrets saying yes to the invite. Gary said he thinks Howard just thinks that they're doing a show and they get over it. Jason said that he gets over the rap about him driving out there. He said that he doesn't want him to go if he's going to be that miserable. He said he's afraid that Howard is going to show up late in the middle of the ceremony and the whole family is going to be paying attention to him instead of the wedding.
Jason said that only one of his friends called and told him that they were happy Howard was going to be there. They're not all going crazy that he'll be showing up.
Gary asked Jason if he's afraid that the people at the wedding are going to treat Howard differently. Jason said that he's expecting people to behave at the wedding. He said that his fear is that they're going to bother him during dinner, if he lasts that long. Jason said he trusts his friends and he's told everyone to treat him like any other guest and not to bother him.
Gary said he's worried about it and he'll be close by to try and stop any weirdness. Gary said that he just wants to go and hang and people are just inappropriate and don't realize it. Jason said that Howard's table is jammed in the middle of two other work tables so he should be okay in there. Jason said that he sat Scott at the shit table but then took that back and said there was no shit table there. Then he said that any table with Scott at it is the shit table though.
Jason and Will said they've been sat at Scott's table before and they know they're at the B-table if they're there. Ronnie came in so Jason made a comment about him. Ronnie said that he can fuck up his wedding real quick if he wants. He said that Scott is upset that he got sat next to Doug Herwitt at the shitty table.
Scott came in and said that this is bullshit and he can't believe they're sticking him at the straggler's table. Gary asked Scott if he's ever come into work thinking that today is the day he's going to get some respect. Scott said that has never happened.
Jason said that Scott has a ''Scott'' of his own. That's Doug Herwitt. Jason said that he likes Doug but other people don't want to sit with him. Scott is one of them. Gary said that they can cut the awkwardness with a knife in there. Will said the conversation between them will be something else.
Jason said that he's going to send Herwitt to Howard's table if this is the way they're going to act. Jon asked Scott if he feels bad about the way he's being treated. Jason said that Will didn't even invite him to his wedding.
Ronnie told Scott that he should have given Will a gift. Scott said that you only do that if you were invited and didn't go. Scott wasn't invited at all. Will said that he invited someone to the wedding and he didn't get a gift from him. He said it was the quiet guy in the studio. He was referring to Fred but said ''no comment'' when they asked if it was Fred. Then Will said that Fred told him that he would get a gift soon but nothing has shown up yet.
A caller talked about how far away Hackettstown is from the city. Jason said that he's not suggesting that they go to the place to visit, although the M&Ms factory is pretty cool. Jason said that there isn't much else there to see.
The caller was also asking if they're going to set up a table for Howard to sign books and stuff at. Jason said that's a good idea to get Scott a sweetheart table so he can sit with his wife and no one else.
Another caller asked Jason if it ever gets to them that Howard can't just let them have their day. The guy said that they could just tell Howard ''screw you'' and tell him not to come. The guy thought Howard could just drop the complaining and let Jason enjoy his day.
Jason said that he's happy that Howard is coming to the wedding and the fact that he's taking the day off to do that for him. He said that he thinks that Howard will be respectful of it until the following Monday. Jason said that this is his job and he gets it so he's ready to be goofed on. Jason said that Howard had changed his mind and then got angry about how far away it was. He said he was kind of bummed about that.
Gary said that was coming from a man who said it takes too much time to wash his hands. Gary said he couldn't believe it when he heard Howard say that.
Jon asked Will about his wedding and if he was upset about Howard not going to his. Will said you have to hold Howard to a different standard and he didn't expect him to come. He said that it's very cool for Jason to have Howard Stern come to his wedding like that. Jason said that he thinks Howard's outlook on weddings was changed when he had his recently. He said that he thinks he would have gone to Will's wedding if it had come after his own.
Gary said that Howard called him the morning after his wedding and they were talking about a few things when he brought up going to Jason's wedding. Benjy said that's like signing a guy to a contract when he's drunk, you can't really hold him to it.
Jon asked if they think Howard is going to make it past the cocktail hour. Ronnie said he'll make it through some of the cocktail hour but that's it. Will wondered why he wouldn't spend more time there because he's dedicating so much time to driving out there.
Gary said that Howard bailed on his party right as the main course was being served. Jason said that was just rude. Gary said Howard was yelling for Beth at they were bringing the food out.
The guys also talked to Jason about going to Ricks the night before his wedding. Jason said that Janice is going out with her girlfriend's that night too.
Gary said that he had his bachelor party and he still can't talk about what happened there. He said his wife went out to Chipendales that night and she was trying to hide the pictures from him. When he saw the pictures it was no big deal because it was just a bunch of gay guys dancing around.
Jason said that he thinks things go further at those places than they think. Ronnie said that's what he thinks too.
A caller asked Jason what he thinks about Howard 100 News showing up to his wedding. Jason said he'd prefer that they not show up but if they do, they should pay him because it would be like work for him.
Ronnie said that he's seen Howard throwing the 10 dollar phone in the back of his car when that thing doesn't work.
Jon played some of the audio of Howard talking about his attempted call and what was pissing him off about Gary's office door being closed and things like that.
Gary said that Howard was giving him a hard time there but claiming that he wasn't. He said he almost got on his microphone and gave Howard some ''Wahs'' when he was complaining about his over alarmed apartment this morning. He said he didn't have the balls to do it.
Ralph called in and said that a friend of his was a male stripper and he would go and do these parties and he got laid all the time. Ralph said the guy would call him after a show and tell him about the chicks that were there and how he was going to go out with them. He said the girls would get really dirty.
Jason said he can see that happening if they're a good looking stripper. He said it's easy to pick up chicks in bars so he could imagine that happening.
Ralph was also talking about the Vinnie Favale call today and how great that was. They talked about how bad Vinnie's explanation was about that rip off. Gary said that they could take a night on CBS and pick the lowest rated show and Vinnie would have an excuse and explanation about why they were so low.
Jason said he has a theory about the dream but he's not going to say it on the air with out Artie there. Jon told him to go for it but Jason refused. Jon told him not to bring it up if he's not going to talk about it.
Jason said he thinks that the dream has something to do with his anger issues. He said that he's an angry, depressed guy and that all leads up to this stuff.
Gary said that Artie was humiliated when he heard the clips of himself going off on Sal, Teddy and High Pitch Mike. He was covering his face when it was playing.
Gary asked Jason about his theory about the dreams having something to do with his anger. He said it sounds like Artie opened up a lot of wounds by writing that book. Gary said he really did because he gets very personal in the book.
Gary said that Artie seems to be very nice to some people until they take advantage of him. He said that he'll let people kind of ride his coat tails and he doesn't know how to tell them to go away. He builds up hostility toward them until he snaps.
Jason and Gary were trying to dissect what was going on with Artie and why he loans people money when he knows that they may not pay him back. Will said that anyone who loans him money and doesn't pay him back is a scum bag. He said ''shame on you'' for not paying the guy back.
Jason said that it shouldn't be that hard to loan a friend money. It shouldn't feel weird to do that. Gary said that it shouldn't but when it goes bad, it really goes bad.
Jason said that he and Will were moving in together and Will fronted him some money. He put up a chart in his room that kept track of all of the money that he had to pay back to Will. He said that everyone should be like that. Jon said that they're not though and he's a different kind of person.
Gary said that Stuttering John asked him to borrow some money and he got paid back four days later but John still called him a cheap fuck after he let him borrow $20,000.
Jon said that in his world he doesn't loan friends or family money. He said it does depend on the circumstance but he can't see doing it.
Gary said he loaned his friend 4 grand for a deck he wanted to put on the back of his house. He said that he did that and got paid back. He said it depends on what he's using the money for and he knew the guy would pay him back. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked about the Artie and High Pitch Mike truce being over. The guys talked about the way Mike attacked Artie today and how Artie was able to keep his mouth shut somehow. Gary said that this is the reason why he had to tell the people at Life Beat that he couldn't promise that Artie would never do it again.
Jason said that he agrees with Artie about that whole Life Beat thing and how they won't take his money. Gary said that he can defend a joke but not an attack like he did with Mike. Jason said they never should have gotten started with Artie in the first place if they knew what kind of jokes he did before.
A caller asked Jason if he thinks that Artie's dad in his dream is actually Howard. Jason said that's not what he was thinking. Benjy thought it could be Howard or his therapist.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Artie is just getting that stuff out of his system and moving on. He said that he might be reliving some of the horrible things that have gone on in his lifetime and it's a horrible feeling. Jason asked the guy if he had to go and apologize to the people who he wronged. The guy said he wasn't that far in the program yet.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he had a buddy that would pay for everything when he was an addict. He said that he would still pay for it even though he was using money for drugs. He said it might be part of that addiction thing. Gary said that any behavior like that isn't normal and it may indicate that there's more going on. The caller told High Pitch Mike he should just get over this already too.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Artie has no goals in life and nothing to look forward to and he needs a wife and kids. She thinks that's what he's really looking for.
Will said that he doesn't think Artie is going to find what he's looking for but that is the kind of thing he's looking for right now.
Gary said that Artie is always talking about how boring life can be. Jon said that's why he's always got the chaos going on in his life and talking about how he thrives on that stuff.
Gary said that he wonders what the chaos is usually followed by. Jason said it's followed by drugs. Gary is worried about Artie going through this chaos right now and maybe having a problem after.
Gary said that Artie has been looking good lately and he comes into the show alert every morning lately. He's kind of going through rehab right now and going to see the shrink.
A caller asked Jason what he's going to be doing about the fans that might show up to his wedding. Jason said that they will have a list of people that belong there and that don't belong there. Gary said Jason is banking on the fact that even the wackos won't make that long drive out there.
A caller asked Gary if they're still doing tours of the studio. Gary said that it won't be up for discussion until 2009 because they've just been too busy with other tours lately.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thinks that Artie's dream having to do with all of the junk that Artie has left for his dad at his grave. Gary didn't get what he was talking about and why he thinks that has anything to do with the dream. The guy said he thinks that Artie thinks his father knows that all of that stuff he's left at his grave is worthless junk. They ended up hanging up on the guy because he wasn't making much sense.
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said he was reading about what was going on today and how he was in Artie's dream and that stuff. Gary said he couldn't explain it all but went over a little bit of it. Dan said that Artie did help him out with some money and Artie told him that he could take some more time before paying him back.
Gary didn't think Artie talked about Dan borrowing money. Dan said that he asked Artie foursome money and he has every intention of paying him back. If he doesn't come into this windfall of money he'll sell his Harley on CraigsList in a week. He said he borrowed the money back in March.
Jason asked Dan why he's taking advantage of Artie being so nice. Dan said that he and Artie had a conversation about it and Artie was fine with him taking more time on it. Dan said Artie called him about something and they had the discussion and Artie told him he was fine with him taking a little more time to pay him back. Dan said if his money doesn't come in soon then he'll sell the Harley.
Gary asked Dan what his cut off time is. Dan said that he'll do it before Christmas. He said he knows what it's like to loan people money and never get it back so he will pay Artie back.
Jason asked him why he doesn't sell the Harley now and maybe go out and buy another one when he comes into the money. Dan said the bike he has now isn't replaceable and he was told by Artie that he could take his time and pay him back when he can. That's what he's doing but he's very grateful for what Artie has done for him. They had to end the show a short time later so they had to cut Dan off.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 11:40am.