Stern Show News Archives.
Howard started off the show talking about how busy the show was going to be. They had a Howard Stern trivia contest, Joan Rivers and more. They also had a contest going on where they had to call Joan Rivers to try and prank call her show. Benjy got on and got in three calls. He was even able to get into her studio as a gay rabbi. He told Joan that visiting her show was one of the things that he wanted to do before he died.
Gary came in and said that Benjy called in as a gay guy and started to cry talking about his life. Howard said he tried calling last night, didn't get through and later found out that she wasn't on the air because a Knicks game was on instead. Benjy was the only one who got through.
Howard said that Gary told him they have a mystery guest today and he's walking around like it's a really big deal. Howard said he was going to guess that it was his dentist because he said it was someone really big.
Howard said he had a few things to get to and read a couple of quick tabloid stories about Mariah Carey, Paul Reiser and some other stuff. That led to him talking about NBC and how they're thinking about selling off their stations and just concentrating on their advertising. He said there's a lot of stuff going on that could change the TV networks over the next few years and they need to make some changes.
Howard said he likes to see that people who make it in the entertainment business make some good money. He was referring to Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt who were holding out for a lot of money on their NBC show. He said that it's a good thing when they hold out like that and get paid what they're worth.
Howard said that the first person to buzz in with their fart buzzers would get to answer first. They all tested their buzzers and then got into the game. Howard got right into it after that. Here are the questions and answers:
Howard and some of the contestants had a couple more questions that didn't count in the game. Here they are:
Robin said this guy is out of his mind. He never spoke to her when he saw her. It turns out this guy has been asking to find this girl on other radio stations as well. Joe said that the girl was with her parents and it looked like her mother was in a wheelchair. Howard said that they do reach 18 million people so maybe they can help this guy out.
Howard muted his voice from Joe and said that he was going to mess with him. Joe gave some more details about the girl and said she looked a little like Nancy Kerrigan and he's even got a web site dedicated to finding her.
Howard took a call from a woman claiming to be the woman that the guy was looking for. It was a set up to goof on the guy though. The woman said she's got black hair, she's 5'6'' tall and her mother has MS. Joe said that he would give Howard $1,000 if this was the right girl. She told Howard that she would like to go out with this guy but she has some problems that she had to reveal first.
The woman, Tracy, said that she had cancer when she was younger and she has a colostomy bag now. She wanted to know if that was okay with Joe. Joe said he didn't want to answer that one. She said that she still looks the same, it's no different. Joe didn't have much else to say after that. He seemed stumped.
Joe said that if this is the girl he saw, it would be no problem. He found it hard to believe that they found her though. Howard tried to convince him that it was really her. Tracy then told Joe that she had kids and the kids were with her brother and father. She said that she had consensual sex with both her brother and father and had kids from them.
Joe wasn't falling for all of this. He seemed to get that it was a joke and refused to believe that it was really the girl he was looking for. Joe asked Howard to give out his web page since he didn't know if this was actually the woman. Howard told him to get out of here and get ready to go clean a colostomy bag. Joe hung up after that so Howard went to commercial break.
Howard asked Joan if she had more plastic surgery because she's obviously full of plastic surgery. Joan said that she has had a few things done. She said that she's had liposuction done one time and nothing is where it started at on her body.
Howard said that he'd like to get lipo on his stomach. Joan said that he should get it done and told him that she was awake when she had hers done and was even standing up at the time. Howard said he knew a guy who had it done and he had hard bumps on his stomach. Joan said that she was very happy during the procedure. She said that she had a nice nurse but it looked like a 1930s German film as it was going on.
Howard told Joan about this bet they had going on there with the interns. They were all invited to call Joan's show and prank her. Benjy was the one who got through. Howard tried calling himself last night but wasn't able to get through. He said his sister told him that Joan wasn't even on, there was a Knicks game on instead.
Benjy got through on Thursday night and Joan was talking about how great the show was when he came in live. Howard had Benjy come into the studio so he could play his calls and his appearance on her show. Benjy said that he called in as Gay Ronnie, Russian Corey and Southern Benjamin. He made a bunch of different calls and had her fooled each time.
Howard said that he and Fred used to prank calls all the time years ago. He went on to play some clips of Benjy calling in as Gay Ronnie. He told Joan how great she was as a host and kissed her ass a little bit. Then he broke down crying after Joan gave him some life advice. Howard told Benjy he was a great actor. Benjy said that she actually made him feel better even though he wasn't really gay.
Benjy said they had to edit the call down because it lasted about 20 minutes. Howard said he'd love to hear the whole call when they have some time to listen to it. He said that Joan actually found Benjy a date during the show. Howard played some of that discussion where Joan asked Ronnie to call back in if he wanted to date this guy.
Benjy also called into Joan's show as a guy from South Carolina. He told her how great she was and told her he wanted to meet her. Benjy said he had to beg Dorothy to let him up there because she told him that Joan wasn't serious about letting him come up. Howard played some of the audio of Benjy up in the studio being interviewed by Joan after that.
Howard thanked Benjy for that and told him to get out of there. He said he heard that Benjy was on her show for about 1/4 of the whole show.
Howard spent some time talking to Joan about her late husband Edgar and asked if he was well endowed. She said that he was great and she would walk out bow legged on the Tonight Show. She said that she has a boyfriend now but she won't marry again.
Howard took some phone calls from some guys who were throwing in some jokes about her plastic surgery. One guy said that she's been pulled back so far that she's going to have to start shaving. Joan didn't seem to mind the goofing around though.
Howard talked to Joan about going over to Africa and what she did over there. She said she really enjoyed being over there. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later and gave her some plugs for the show that she and her daughter Melissa were going to be doing. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
Howard took some phone calls and let some of the fans talk to Joan. He ended up getting back to Joan's trip to Africa and spent a couple more minutes talking about that as well. He wrapped up and was about to go to break but Joan invited him to Melissa's wedding first. It was coming up in December and Howard said he was looking forward to that. Howard wasn't sure if he could come if she was going to have all of her friends there. He said that people like Kathie Lee Gifford don't want him at events like that.
Howard wrapped up with Joan a short time later and said that he had the mystery guest coming in soon. Joan was about to tell him who it was but he asked her not to. They went to break after that.
Gary told Howard that he's not really an enemy of the show but he's never avoided the chance to attack the person. Robin thought it was Bill Cosby. Howard said that he didn't mean it if he did bad mouth him. He said that he feels that he's not so talented himself and that's why he attacks others. Howard guessed that it was Tom Snyder but then he snickered.
Howard guessed it was George Clooney after Robin asked one of her questions. He was right so everyone took their masks off. Howard said he didn't think that he ever bad mouthed him. He said that he's really a good looking guy in person. He said that Robin was looking him over like she was in love. Howard told George that his Batman movie was great after that. Robin said that he really is a back peddler.
Howard said that the guy who made that Batman movie, Joel Schumacher, really ruined it. George took credit for ruining the whole series with that movie. Howard told him it wasn't his fault. He said it was the director. He said that the guy doesn't understand the franchise.
Howard asked George who he's banging on E.R. These days. George said that he's doing them all. Howard asked him how much he got paid to do Batman. George said it was only $3 million. Jackie has hung out with George before and he's been working to get him on the show for years.
Howard asked George about his marriage and how long that lasted. George said it was only 3 years. Howard said he can't imagine what it must be like to be his penis. He went out with Kelly Preston for a while. George said he's got a new girlfriend now and she's French. He joked that she's turning 16 next year. He also talked about having a black girlfriend. Howard said he reminds him of a honey bee because he dips into every flower.
Howard asked George about working on E.R. and how he gets through all of the medical terms he has to use. George said he memorizes the lines but he has to write some of the medical stuff down on the bodies that he's around. He said that stuff is hard to learn.
Howard took some phone calls for George and let the fans talk to him. One guy asked if Robin was going to start dating this celebrity. Robin said she'd love to do that. Howard asked George if he was getting laid in high school. George said he did and he also said he lost his virginity at 15. He said that he thinks the girl was older than him but only by a couple of years.
Gary said that George told him that he had a strange reaction to the show when they first started out in L.A. George said he had tuned in and heard Mark Harris being interviewed and actually wrote a letter to KLSX and wondered why they brought Howard Stern to Los Angeles. He said about 6 months later he was listening every day and enjoying it. Howard said he gets a lot of hate mail when they go into new markets and people are always asking them to remove him. He said it happens in every city. The people eventually love him though.
George said that the love took about 6 months for him. He said it went from hatred to love over time. Howard took some more phone calls after that and let some more fans talk to George. He also spent some more time talking to him about the famous women he's banged over the years. They talked about Kelly Preston some more. Howard asked how long he went out with her. George said it was about a year and a half.
Robin said that George has eclipsed his dad in show business. Howard said he didn't even know who his dad was and never heard of Nick Clooney. Gary came in and told Howard that George's father wrote an article in 1994 about Howard's show for the Cincinnati Post. Howard got the article from Gary and read through that. The guy sounded like a real hard ass to Howard after he read the first line or two.
Howard took some more phone calls and had a few more callers asking questions. One guy asked if George got to bang the chicks on ''The Facts of Life'' show. He jokingly said he was working his way through all of the girls on the show. A guy claiming to be a paparazzi called in and said that he thinks that George uses Princess Diana's death for his own purposes. George defended himself but said he didn't want to get into that with him. He did go on to talk about the way the paparazzi follow people around and complained about that a little bit.
Howard asked George about E.R. and if he's going to stick around there. He said that he may leave. He was saying that he gets about $35,000 per episode and Howard thought that was kind of low. Robin said that they have a huge cast though so they have a lot of people to pay.
Howard took a call from a woman who was only 17 years old. She ended up telling Howard that she was with a guy and she was pretending that she was in bed with George. Howard thought it was a disturbing story and let her go.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she had given George her number one time and he never called her back. She went to AJ Benza and told him about what had gone on and she was upset that he never called back. She said that she stayed up for days waiting for him to call her back. She said that he actually asked for her number, it wasn't like she just gave it to him. Howard said that George gets a lot of women and maybe she wasn't quite up to his standards.
George's cousin Miguel called in and said that George used to bang fat chicks but he just said that to get himself through to Howard. He spent a minute talking to him and then let him go.
Howard wondered why George was there this morning. He wasn't there to promote anything. Howard asked him a little more about what he does when he's not working. George said he goes out to bars and stuff and hangs out.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked what it's like to work with a ni**er. He claimed that he wasn't racist but asked George if he has to watch his keys and walled during the shoot. George didn't answer and let Howard handle the guy.
Howard asked George who he's hanging with these days. He mentioned a couple of people that Howard didn't recognize. Howard wrapped up with him and asked what he was doing in New York. George said he had a couple of meetings in the city.
Howard read that George had taken a dump in a cat litter box one time. That led to George telling a story about staying with a friend and fooling him into thinking that his cat wasn't crapping in the box. He'd scoop it every time himself and after a couple of weeks of thinking he didn't crap, George took a dump in the box making the guy think that his cat had crapped that giant crap out itself. Howard wrapped up with George a short time later and let him go.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone and spent a minute talking to him about George Clooney before moving on to the game. They had a special guest in the studio to play the game. Her name was Tara. Howard spent a minute talking to her and then got to Mike's game. Mike gives us 4 gossip stories. 3 of them are real, one is false. Try to pick the false one:
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Tara and found out that she was in the National Enquirer with Charlie Sheen one time. She said she didn't like his lifestyle and had to break it off with him after a while.
Howard also talked to Mike about judging the Miss Hawaiian Tropic contests and how he gets away with that with his wife. Mike said that it's just work for him so that's the excuse he uses for that. He spent a few minutes talking about how hot some of the women were and how one year they had a really hot looking girl but she turned out to be 14 years old and had to be disqualified.
Tara gave Howard a poster of herself where she's topless but not showing everything. Howard said that she's really hot. Tara said that her name is Tara Ashley but Howard knew it was fake so she said that it's actually Tara Phillips. Howard told her to stick with her real name, that one works just fine. He wrapped up after that and went to break.
Howard said he had the actual top 5 songs to play. He played Everclear's ''I Will Buy You A New Life'' as number 5, then The Verve's ''Bittersweet Symphony'' and then Fastball's ''The Way'' and Green Day's ''Time of Your Life'' and finally, at number one, ''Sex And Candy'' by Marcy Playground.
Howard said that Robin really likes to do the countdown thing. She said she's really into that stuff. She said she does love it. Howard had some other songs to play from some other charts. He played the number 5 song on the pop chart. It was ''Truly Madly Deeply'' by Savage Garden. Number 4 was ''My Father's Eyes'' by Eric Clapton. Number 3 was ''Tell Him'' then there was Madonna's ''Ray of Light'' and Celine Dion's ''My heart Will GO Out.''
Howard asked Andy if he could get on a regular phone so he could hear him. Andy said that he had just gotten up and he was going to go work out. Gary said he heard that he'd been up all night. Howard asked Andy if he was drinking this morning. Andy said that was the least of his worries.
Howard said he thinks that Andy is more into guys than girls but Robin said she's not so sure about that. Howard said that there's no such thing as being ''a little gay'' or ''a little straight.'' Andy said he was going to come in there and prove that he's not gay.
Howard told Andy to come up there sometime and he'll talk to him in person about all of this stuff. Andy kept going though and told him about the two kids he had with his girlfriend of 7 years. Howard said he knows guys who have been married for 20 years and are still gay.
Gary came in and said he heard some news about Andy. He said he lives in his house with his girlfriend, his ex wife and another girl and he's had kids with all of them. Andy said that's only half true. He said he'd fill them in on the rest of that when he comes in. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said that he wants to see Andy bang both a woman and a guy and prove whatever it is he wants to prove. He had Robin get into her news after that.
Howard let that guy go and heard that Andy Dick was back on the phone. Andy got back on and said that he just wanted to make sure everything was okay. He was all mellow all of a sudden and then got very loud when Gary said he had another story about him.
Gary said he heard that Andy went to do a public access show out in L.A. and he heard that he was doing coke all night. Andy said he was promised an 8 ball of coke that night and he really didn't want it. He said he can't work out the way he does if he's on coke. Howard said that might be true but then thought about it and said that he could very well be doing coke.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that he had dated Andy. Andy denied it and said that he had never head anyone with an accent that heavy. He said he had never been in Central Park either and that's where the guy claimed he met Andy. Andy said that he really can't stomach liars. Howard let that guy go after that.
Howard asked Andy about Chris Farley and being friends with him. He asked if he partied with him and did coke and pot with him. Andy said he'd known him for years before he died. He then claimed that he doesn't get high that often.
Howard told Andy to come in there sometime which led to Andy making some ''come'' jokes. Howard let him go a short time later. He said that guy is funny and they really have to get him in there.
Robin got back into her news and read through some more stories. She read one about Elvis which led to Howard doing his Elvis impression for a few minutes. Robin informed Elvis that his daughter had married Michael Jackson so he said that she must have said something really stupid there, that couldn't possibly be true.
Howard took another break during the news and when he came back he was watching the E! network and said that they had some hot chick on there in a bathing suit. He said that's what E! has turned into these days, they have hot chicks all over the channel. Robin got back into her news after that quick discussion.
Robin was reading through some stuff when Fred started to play some clips of Howard's mom to interrupt her. That got Jackie laughing pretty hard. He was also cracking up after Robin read a story about an artificial sphincter that had been implanted in a guy up in Toronto. Fred threw in some sound effects during that discussion that made it pretty disgusting sounding. He had farts, squishing sounds and more. Howard joked that when the guy farts his garage door opens. Jackie couldn't stop laughing through that story.
Andy Dick called back in again late in the news and Howard let him on to say goodbye to everyone. Andy said he had been waiting on hold the whole time. He said his goodbyes to everyone and Howard said he'd call him personally this weekend if he leaves his number there. Andy said he had left his number with Gary already. He said he'd leave another number for his own house instead of his friend's house if he wanted.
Howard asked Andy if he likes Judy Garland or show tunes. Andy said he had to think about who Judy was. He said he doesn't like show tunes. He wondered if that's all Howard is going to talk about. Howard said that if he had something else to talk about, he'd talk about that. He asked him if his last name is really Dick. Andy said it really is.
Andy said that he's going to take the red eye out there to come and see Howard right then. Howard told him he'd love to see him with his body all oiled up. He joked that he had fecal incontinence since that was one of the stories that Robin was talking about. He then went on to talk about how he wanted to rub Andy down and shave his legs for him. Andy asked him to shave his scrotum. Howard spent a few more minutes with Andy before he ended the show. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:15am (Mastertape Theatre time).
Machele finally came in about 30 minutes after Howard brought in the panel of judges. Gary said that she's a really big pest. After she was invited down to the show she kept calling Gary for some reason. When she came in Howard didn't waste any time getting her to take her clothes off. She was there to find out if she was model quality or stripper quality. She was pretty cute according to most of the guys. She's 5'5'' tall and 105 pounds with blonde hair. She took off her clothes and showed off her nice tan. Ralph was up first to judge. He brought along a laser pointer so he could pick her apart from a distance. That's exactly what he did too. He pointed out her weak points and said that there's no way she could be a model although if she worked out she'd make a great stripper. He rated her a 6 or 7 and with exercise she could be an 8 or a 9. Vin the retard was even more cruel. He rated her at a 6. Vin said she had too big of a forehead. AJ Benza was only a little nicer with a 7½. Howard came in with a 7 rating. Even after giving her the scores they continued to pick her apart. Vin noticed some stretch marks on her breasts and she had a scar on her stomach from an appendectomy. They also said that her hair was too blonde. Before she left she told of her lesbian experience at age 13. That story raised her up a notch on the rating scale. Before she was even with a boy she had an 18 year old woman teach her about sex. Since then she hasn't done any other lesbian stuff.
| Best Picture | Best Actor | Best Actress | Best Supporting Actor | Best Supporting Actress | |
| St. John | As Good As It Gets | Jack Nicholson | Helen Hunt | Anthony Hopkins | Kim Basinger |
| Howard | Titanic | Robert Duvall | Helen Hunt | Robin Williams | Kim Basinger |
| Robin | Titanic | Jack Nicholson | Helena Bonham Carter | Burt Reynolds | Kim Basinger |
| Fred | Titanic | Robert Duvall | Helena Bonham Carter | Burt Reynolds | Kim Basinger |
| Jackie | Titanic | Robert Duvall | Helen Hunt | Burt Reynolds | Gloria Stewart |
| Gary | Titanic | Robert Duvall | Helena Bonham Carter | Robin Williams | Gloria Stewart |
| Tom C. | Titanic | Peter Fonda | Julie Christie | Robert Forester | Kim Basinger |
| Ralph | Titanic | Jack Nicholson | Helen Hunt | Burt Reynolds | Julianne Moore |
Howard started off the show talking about how busy they were going to be. They had farters coming in, a guy who reconstructs women's vaginas and Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. He said he loves that band and can't believe that Dave was the drummer in Nirvana. Kurt Cobain's death freed him up to show off his talents. He said that Dave is going to be performing a song acoustically when he comes in. He said he's going to be doing ''Everlong'' and played a little bit of the album version of the song. Howard said he really loves those guys. Gary told him that Dave has never done a song acoustically like that before. He's just doing it for Howard because he digs him so much.
Howard and Robin talked about the guy who reconstructs women's vaginas and said he'd talk more about that when he gets back from the break. He went to break a short time later.
Howard tried taking some phone calls but the phone system wasn't working correctly. He got so pissed he said he might just have to go home at this point. He's tired of the crap he has to go through with that crap there. He said no one was running in to help him either and management was only there to censor him. He said they're good at telling him what he can and can't say on the air.
Scott the Engineer came in and fixed whatever the problem was. Howard asked him what it is that causes that problem. Scott said there's a button that must have gotten pressed and it popped up when it should have been down. Howard told Scott that he has defeated him single handedly, not some other morning crew, it was Scott. Howard said Scott was smiling over that. Howard said that Scott reminds him of Uncle Fester.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he hopes that Howard sticks around in radio for a long time. Howard said he's got 2 years and 10 months left and he's out after that. He said he's tired of all of the crap there. He said he was dead serious. He said he knows that there are tons of imitators out there that people will be able to listen to. He figures that when he's gone, all of those imitators will ruin radio and management will get sick of that style of radio and ruin it all. Howard said he's got plans to develop some scripts when he gets out of radio.
Howard mentioned Dave Grohl again and talked about the song he was going to be singing. He said he was supposed to sing ''My Hero'' but he changed his mind. He spent a few seconds on that and then took some more phone calls. A caller told Howard to check out tracks 3 and 4 on the new Foo Fighters album. Fred played ''Hey Johnny Park'' for Howard and then went into track 4 but Howard bailed a few seconds into it.
The caller told Howard that The Losers sounded great yesterday. Howard said they really worked well together on that. They also talked about the Eddie Van Halen interview and what a mess that was. He said he didn't know what was going on but he got a lot of positive feedback about the whole thing. He said he had no idea what those guys were up to that day. They talked about Eddie walking all over the studio and not paying much attention to what was actually going on. He was getting up and handing him his guitar in the middle of the interview. There were some other things that he handed him as well.
Gary said that Kinison used to wander around the studio but he was never as bad as Eddie was. Eddie wasn't even able to stay on the microphone. Gary said that Eddie would get up and look for stuff while his brother was talking and things like that. Howard blamed himself for a crummy interview but Robin said it wasn't his fault.
Howard asked Jackie if he could do the drums. Jackie said the best he could do is give it a try. Howard asked John what's up with the British accent. John didn't have an explanation other than the fact that he was trying to sing too fast.
Howard was playing some of their performance and ended up getting pissed off about the crappy equipment they have there. He said they have this rinky dink studio and it's like they're waiting for the show to be successful before they get something bigger. He was complaining to Tom Chiusano that he wanted some instruments ready to play this morning but he couldn't make that happen. Tom said that if they wanted their own equipment they'd probably have to pay about ten grand. Stuttering John and Fred said it wouldn't be that much, they could do it for probably three grand.
Howard told Tom he has no business being there and should be out growing stuff for a living instead of running a radio station. Howard told Tom he's done with him when his contract is up in 2 years and 10 months. He said he needs some lame morning show to deal with instead of his. Howard and the guys started goofing on Tom about the Greaseman fiasco and did their impressions of that guy for a little while. Howard said that guy was a pisser and he can't believe that New York and Philadelphia rejected him.
Howard said he's pretty sure that the Greaseman got a lot of money working there. He said he knows that it's because he makes a lot of money that The Greaseman got a lot of money. Howard said that when he got kicked off the radio in Washington DC, he was making about $85,000 and when the Greaseman replaced him, they gave him $200,000. Gary said it is weird when it comes to figuring out what he's worth. Howard said that he didn't start making any good money until just recently. He said the guy that's going ''Gobble, geeber goober'' (Greaseman) is getting paid almost as much as he is. There's something wrong with that.
Howard said he got a note from Gary last night about some legal issues they were having there. He said that no lawyer has ever agreed with him on anything. Tom said that's not true but Howard didn't believe it. Tom said he was just trying to get a second opinion on a decision he had made during the show. Howard told him to get his opinions from Robin from now on instead of from a lawyer. Howard kept saying that he's done in 2 years and 10 months and he's going to blame Tom for that. He said if Tom is still there, he won't stick around.
Howard told Tom that he has seen the mountain top and he will be out of there when his contract is up. Tom asked him to please go to commercial break. Howard said he wasn't going to do that until he left the studio. He went into a Martin Luther King Jr. impression and said he can't wait until he's ''free of Tom, Free of Tom... Thank God almighty... Free of Tom.''
Gary asked Howard if he is depressed about this job. Howard said he really is and nothing makes him happy. Gary asked him who the best radio show guy is. Howard said it's him but that still doesn't make him happy. Robin said that there is no rational explanation for why he's so miserable. Howard said that his father thought that everything he did was frivolous and pointless so that's probably why he can't enjoy anything in his life. He said that he's gone to the shrink and talked about this stuff and his shrink has pulled his hair out over it.
Howard said he had to go to break but they had a few guests coming in after that. He talked all of that up and then went to commercial.
Howard told John that his phone sounded like crap and they figured that he could afford a better phone. John was still trying to give Howard some advice about therapy but Howard didn't seem to want to hear it from him. John said that his life is a mess but he's trying to get things going. He just had a hip replacement and he's also lost 30 pounds. Howard told him it was good to hear from him and let him go a short time later.
Howard thought he was saying that he could bring back the hymen but Dr. Matlock said he can't do that. Howard asked him how many of these he's done. Dr. Matlock said it's probably over 1000 over the past 10 years. He was saying there's minimal pain from the procedure and it only takes about 6 weeks to heal. He also said that he had a woman come to him with a picture of what she wanted to look like and that's what he can do as well. Robin said she was shocked hearing this stuff.
Howard said that Robin has never had a baby so she probably stayed pretty tight down there. She said that she's pretty sure that most women aren't very pretty down there. Robin asked if there's any way to tighten up without surgery. Dr. Matlock said that is not possible. Howard asked Dr. Matlock about transsexuals and if he thinks that their vaginas look real. Dr. Matlock said they don't look real to him but he does believe that they can experience pleasure.
Robin asked Dr. Matlock if they can improve the problem with moisture down there when they do this surgery. Dr. Matlock said this has nothing to do with that. Howard asked Dr. Matlock about queefing and if he knew anything about it. Dr. Matlock said he had no comment on that. Howard asked him if he's ever operated on his own wife. He said he never did that.
Howard said this is a fascinating thing but also said that maybe women are supposed to be loose down there after having kids. Dr. Matlock said that they should be allowed to tighten women up down there if they're looking for a sexual gratification.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't believe in what this guy is doing. He said there's no way to know what's supposed to feel right. Dr. Matlock and Howard disagreed with the caller. Howard said that when a woman is younger, it's a much better fit down there so he agrees with what he's doing. Robin said she didn't understand how the laser tightened it up. Dr. Matlock tried explaining a little bit and said that it tightens up the outer third of the opening as well. The caller on the line asked if it changes the flavor. Howard and Robin just laughed.
Howard asked Dr. Matlock about the cost of this procedure and found that it ranges quite a bit from $4,000 on up. Howard thanked Dr. Matlock for calling in and said that there's nothing like being with a 17 or 18 year old. He was trying to remember what that was like from when he was a kid.
Howard interrupted and said that all kids look around their parents room for that kind of stuff. He said if his kids looked around, they'd find all kinds of weird stuff. Gary came in and said that he went to a friend's house where they found the kid's parents sex toys. That led to the guys talking about the books and stuff that their parents had in their houses.
Gary told a story about how he and his friend found the stag films that the kid's father had. His mother came home and saw them watching them and ended up cutting them up with scissors.
Howard got back to Trina and asked her about that first time using the vibrator. She said it was kind of tough for her to get it in there but she gave it a try. Then her mother caught her putting it back in the drawer. Howard said he used his parent's vibrator to massage himself and said that he's pretty sure that's all they used it for as well. Howard ended up bailing out of the call with Trina because she kept rattling on about things that he just didn't care about.
Howard said he was reading about Dave Grohl in the research they did and he found out a lot of stuff. He said that a lot of fans blame Courtney Love for Kurt Cobain's death but the cops didn't seem to think she had anything to do with it. There was also some other stuff about Courtney that made it seem like a lot of people hated her. He thinks that there might be a lot of crap out there from fans who just don't like her. He didn't know that the fans were still questioning Kurt's death.
Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about that stuff. Gary told Howard that they had the farters standing by out there. Howard said they had to get to that as soon as they took a break.
Howard said that he knows this guy who delivers stuff to the station and he had to park about 3 blocks away and cart his delivery there on a hand cart. Gary said that Larry King was there trying to get through the parade but they wouldn't allow him to cross the street. Gary said that they actually let him drive down the street the wrong way when he pulled out of the garage.
Howard said that he knows a woman who just doesn't come into the city on parade day because it is such a nightmare. Robin was saying that even second avenue was a mess from the parking of the cars all over the place. Gary also pointed out how the city has to have extra police coverage during the parades.
Howard took a couple of phone calls. Some people brought up the St. Patrick's day thing and others were talking to Howard about his therapy.
Howard had Augie try to perform for them but he was having some trouble getting them out. They were all silent at first. He was able to get one out that they could hear.
Next up was this guy Lampie who had a bit of a British accent. He said he was actually there as an illegal immigrant. He said he's got to get out of the country soon before the INS finds out. Augie interrupted and said he had a fart so Howard let him let that rip. Lampie then tried to get one to rip but it didn't work. Augie let out another one but it was pretty weak.
Next up was Matt who had a tattoo on the side of his head. Howard had him try but he wasn't able to get anything to come out either. After him was Darren. Howard told him he needs someone who can perform under pressure and blast away in this chick's face when she comes in. Darren tried to fart but he wasn't able to do anything either. He said he had some food last night that should have helped but it wasn't working.
Howard went to this guy Chris next. He's only 19 years old. Chris looked very confident according to Howard. Chris tried to fart but he let out a pretty lame one. No one was able to perform for them this morning. Chris was struggling to get something to come out but it wasn't working out for him. He said he had a bit of a blockage there at the end of his tunnel there.
Lampie said he had one to blast but when he tried again, nothing came out. Augie ran up and tried again but nothing came out of him either. The guys all said they were nervous. Howard had to go to break in the middle of that.
Howard said that he read that channel 5 there in New York had just bought the rights to Seinfeld from channel 11 and it was some ridiculous amount of money from what he heard.
Howard said he's a huge fan of Dave Grohl's and Gary told him that he's a big fan of Howard's as well. Howard heard that Dave was in a fight with the lead singer from Bush. Gary explained what he had heard about all of that and it didn't seem to make much sense. it had something to do with Gwen Stefani and the guys in Bush.
Howard said that Dave brought his drummer Taylor Hawkins with him this morning. The original drummer was kicked out of the band from what he heard. Gary said that's because the guy loved the lime lite and the rest of the guys don't. Gary had some notes about Dave so he and Howard went through some of that stuff. Dave almost joined Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers after Nirvana.
Howard told Gary to just get Dave in there instead of just talking about him like he wasn't there. Dave came in a short time later. Dave told him that he was way off on a lot of the stuff he was talking about. Dave told Howard that he can't score with chicks, he's no good at that stuff. He said he never got Gwen Stefani like they thought he did. Howard pointed out that Dave cut his hair and he really thought he looked good with the shorter hair. It was making him think about cutting his hair shorter. He told Dave that in the past he looked kind of like Underdog Lady but now he looks cute.
Howard said he's afraid of cutting his hair because it's so much a part of who he is now. Howard said that he used to cut his hair shorter when he was younger but then he'd have to grow facial hair to balance it out. Dave told him to go for the cut and make it shorter. Howard asked Dave about cutting his hair and if he had to come up with new moves since he couldn't shake his head anymore. Dave said he did have to come up with some new moves.
Gary said he thinks he found the real story about Dave and Bush. He read the notes about how Dave had dated a chick in the band Veruca Salt. They were on tour with Bush and Dave thought something might have been going on between Gavin from bush and Louise from Veruca Salt so that led to the weird stuff. Dave started to get into that but Howard was talking about how good looking Taylor is. He spent a minute on that before Dave got back to his story.
Dave said that he wasn't a fan of Bush's music and he let one interviewer know his feelings. Gavin ended up opening up the paper and saw his comments so that's what led to this little battle of the bands. Howard said he likes the video that the guys did for ''Everlong'' where Taylor is dressed up as a chick. Taylor didn't seem so thrilled about it but said it did let him get into his feminine side.
Dave told Howard about how he grew up playing guitar and how he ended up playing drums because the drummer friend he had just sucked. Howard asked him about the song ''My Hero'' and if it was about Kurt. Dave said it was loosely based on him but it wasn't completely about him. Dave asked Howard why he's not in a band. Howard said he has a band now, The Losers, and also had Electric Comic Book when he was a kid.
Howard said he just found out a couple of 15 year old girls had just showed up to meet Dave so he'd bring them in later. He asked Dave more about ''My Hero'' which he kept calling ''Hero.'' Dave said that when he was in Nirvana it was Kurt who was writing all of their songs. Dave wrote some but he said that Kurt's were much better.
Howard figured that when Kurt killed himself, he'd never hear from the rest of the band ever again. Then Dave went out and recorded the first Foo Fighters album and it was pretty amazing. Dave said that he wasn't sure that he'd be able to go through a big band again. Howard asked him what he did when he heard that Kurt was dead. He wondered if he freaked out and wondered if he'd ever work again. Dave said it was kind of crazy. He said it was hilarious that they were out making the kind of money they were making when they hit big.
Dave told Howard about how he was let out of the contract with Geffen after Kurt's death. He said they asked him if he wanted out and he said yes because he really didn't think they were going to keep working. Dave said that he went down and recorded the album himself and made 100 copies for friends. Then a record company guy heard it and ended up signing them. Dave said he's on his own record label but it's distributed by Capitol records. He said he can make more money being on his own label so that's why he did it that way.
Howard asked Dave about that guy Krist who was in Nirvana with him. Dave said he's happy doing what he's doing. He said he jammed with Krist after Kurt's death but he went on to do some other things. Howard joked that he had some new song from Krist's new album and it was just a retarded guy singing.
Howard asked Dave about the rumors that are out on the web about Courtney Love having something to do with Kurt's death. Dave said he doesn't get into that stuff, he doesn't believe it. He said that he and Courtney get along but he really hasn't spoken to her in a long time. Dave said that he's very laid back when it comes to that stuff. That led to Howard talking about the Van Halen interview from the day before and how weird that was.
Howard talked to Dave about this marriage he was in for a couple of years. Dave said he was kind of young when he got married but he is kind of a relationship type of guy. Howard asked him if he can go to a bar and pick up a chick who really doesn't know who he is. Dave wasn't sure about that.
Howard took a call from Jim from the Bloodhound Gang who used to be an intern for Howard. Howard said this guy had sort of a hit song. Dave knew who Jim was. Jim said that he was on tour with Bush and Veruca Salt and he'd met Louise shortly after Dave had broken up with her. He said that he went into a studio where they were hanging out and Louise freaked out when a Foo Fighters song came on the radio. He said she went nuts and yelled at him to turn it off. It sounded to Howard like Dave had broken that chick's heart. Dave said that wasn't really the case. He said it was pretty heavy business at the time.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she heard that Dave got Winona Ryder. Dave said no but Howard said Taylor was shaking his head yes. The woman said she heard that he was with her after meeting her at the MTV awards. Dave said he was going to plead the 5th on that. Dave said he did meet her and became friends with her. He said they're just friends and they were seen together at the awards. Howard figured he had seen her naked but Dave said maybe in the movies he did.
Another caller said that she saw Dave down in Philadelphia which was one of the last shows that Pat Smear played with the band. Howard said the dude was weird. Dave said that he wanted the guy to stay in the band but Pat didn't want to be in it anymore so he left. The woman on the phone asked Dave if they were going to be playing in the city or something. Dave said they're just out doing press because they're taking a break from touring for a couple of weeks. He said he actually went out and interviewed Jimmy Paige.
Howard took another call from a woman who said that she heard that Dave had seen her in a picture and asked about her. Dave didn't know what she was talking about. Howard hung up on her and asked Dave about the 15 year olds who showed up. Gary said that they just showed up there so he was going to bring them in. He came back in a short time later but one of the girls said she was 17. She said that she's a big fan of Dave's and Foo Fighters. Howard told them that they can't have sex with Dave because they're underage. The one girl said that she didn't really notice Dave when he had the long hair. She took notice when she saw him with his hair cut. There was a 15 year old with the 17 year old. She said that she was just friends with this girl, she's not as big of a fan of Dave's as she is. The 17 year old said she has pictures of Dave in her wallet and he's her idol. She said that she likes that he's talented and he's not just a pretty face. She told Taylor that he's pretty cute too.
Howard asked the 17 year old if she has any other rock stars hanging on her wall. She said that she does but Dave is prominent on the wall. Howard told her to say what she wanted to say to him. She said that he's the only guy she would say ''I Love You'' to. She also asked for a hug and a kiss from him but Dave said that he's kind of paranoid about germs and stuff. Howard asked her if she would give up her virginity to Dave. She said she would have to think about it but probably would.
Howard let the girls go and told them that they could hug Dave later. He said that they're on the verge of discovering their womanhood. Dave thanked them for that but also thought it was kind of weird that the girl carried 5 picture of him with her. Dave asked Howard what ever happened to Kenneth Keith Kallenbach because he was so great on the show. Howard said he'll bring him back and if they had known he was a fan, he would have had him in today.
Dave told Howard that he grew up in Washington DC and that's where he's moved back to. Howard told him that he likes his music because it makes him depressed. Dave wasn't sure that was a good thing but Howard said music is the only thing that can bring out the emotion in him. He said he feels sad listening to ''My Hero'' and Dave thought that was kind of cool. Fred played some ''Everlong'' and Howard said that it made him sad even if it wasn't supposed to be a sad song.
Howard asked Dave how he writes songs and stuff. He said he just does them in his head. He wondered if he was angry with his parents for not giving him music lessons. Dave said his parents are great and he did have about a year of guitar lessons. Howard told him not to get too happy because he'd get upset if that happened.
Howard asked Dave to perform a song for him before they went to break Dave got a guitar and tuned it up a little bit. He took his headphones off because he preferred to play it that way. Howard played some of his childhood band Electric Comic Book for Dave before he played though. Howard said the song was about LSD and it was called ''Psychadellic Bee.'' Dave found it hard to believe that it was actually Howard singing in that song. Howard said that the band Sugar Ray took that song and remade it. He played that for Dave as well. Dave said that's something that he would have listened to when he was 15 years old.
Howard talked to Dave about using Acid and Dave said he loved that stuff but he quit using drugs when he was about 20 years old. He said he hasn't really done anything since that age. He said he was getting paranoid using drugs so he gave up on it.
Howard asked Dave what he was going to perform for them this morning. Dave was going to sing some song that he didn't know so Gary yelled in that he should do Everlong. Dave said this was the first time that he'd ever performed it acoustically. He went right into the song and did an amazing version of the song. After he was done Howard said that was great and it had given him chills when he heard it. Dave said he had never done it like that before. Howard told him it was good and he should do it more.
Howard asked Dave how he writes a song like that. Dave said it does usually start out acoustically like that but it turns into a rock song. Dave said that they have a great band now with all of the guys who are in the band. He said that Taylor is a big Queen fan and it brings a new element to the band.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the two girls who had shown up and why they weren't in school. Howard told Gary to ask them why that was. Dave said he was also wondering about that. Another caller asked if the song ''February Stars'' was about Kurt Cobain. Dave said it really wasn't.
Howard took a call from a 14 year old girl who said she's a huge fan of the band. She asked Dave why there's not a picture of the whole band in their first album. He said they were just fooling around at first so he didn't bother. He later added their picture when they got together and got serious. Howard noticed the tattoos that Dave had so he asked him about them. Dave showed those off and then Gary came in and told them that the two girls had cut class to get in there this morning.
Howard let some more callers ask Dave some questions. One guy saw Kurt hit a security guard at a show one time. Dave told that story since he remembered it so well. He said they actually finished playing after they had done that. Howard wrapped up a short time later after thanking Dave and Taylor for coming in.
Stuttering John said that it's gotten kind of weird because things get so tense out in the hall. He said that they've worked together for 10 years but they won't talk to each other. Robin said she just doesn't hear Jackie. Jackie said he's not even sure what he did wrong. Robin just laughed at him and asked if she has to talk to everyone. Howard said she was talking to Dave Grohl. Robin said that's because she likes him.
Howard said he loves that band the Foo Fighters. Robin said it was amazing that he just sat down and played the song the way he did.
Howard said that his old college friend Andrea was there to sit in during the show. He said that she's maintained herself very well over the years. Howard asked Jackie what he thought. Jackie said that his opinion doesn't count. He then said that Andrea was very attractive though.
Howard said that there have been some women in his life who didn't turn out all that great. Andrea brought up how she and Howard had been on the same flight last week. Andrea said that she got on the plane and found out that the movie on the flight was Howard's movie ''Private Parts.'' She said she also had a guy come up to her and ask her if she wanted to have anonymous plane sex with him. She said she wasn't even looking that good at the time.
Andrea said that the guy was a white guy who was also a tan and good looking Jewish guy. Howard asked her how he makes that kind of conversation. She said it was all normal until he asked her if he could be frank with her. He said that he had an overwhelming urge to touch her breasts. He then said that she knew that she wanted to have anonymous plane sex with him. She said that he grabbed her outside the bathroom later and said that it was their last chance to do it. She said if he asks enough she's sure that he must be able to find someone who will actually do it.
Howard said that when he saw Andrea on that plane he knew he should have banged her when he was in college. Andrea said when they landed in New york she saw some guy on a walkie talkie and wondered if that was the guy who had loaded his luggage. Howard said he can't go back to living a normal life now that he's had stuff like that going on in his life.
Howard said that he thought that he could have had Andrea in college and that she was probably really good in bed. He said she used to come and watch him do his college radio show. She said that he was the only one who knew what he was doing on the air in her opinion.
Howard asked Andrea about the movies she's been writing. She said that as soon as she gets one made, she will let them know. She's written quite a few but none of them had been made yet.
Howard talked to Andrea about their college days and he remembered watching her walk around. She didn't have much of anything to say about that. Andrea told Howard and Robin about this movie idea she had and after hearing the idea Howard said it's no wonder she hasn't sold any movies. She said that she's working on a new project that's kind of a secret at this point. She also talked about how she's never been married before and how she has a friend who has been married 3 times. Howard figured she was just waiting for him.
Howard asked her if she has ever thought about him while touching herself. She said she has thought about him but only when he brings that stuff up in front of her. Howard asked her if she's into ''everything'' as far as sex goes. She wasn't sure what he meant by that but Howard thought she did. He figured he'd even be able to bring another girl home for her and she'd be fine with it. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard went off on Gary for not getting it close enough. Howard had some of the other guys try ripping some farts and this one guy, Bill, was able to blast a few. Jackie said he thinks he may have ''dotted the I'' with some of those farts. Howard said that Bill is a guy they can have come in to fart on this chick they have coming in. Then Chris came and blasted out a fart. He said he was able to go into the bathroom and suck in some air to blast out.
Howard had Chris blast out another one and then said that he's going to have both Bill and Chris come in to blast away when they have this chick in there. Bill tried to blast out another one but he had some issues with possibly crapping his pants. Howard told him to go for it and just let it come out. Dwight tried to fart again but said he had just pissed his pants trying to hard.
Howard had Robin get to her news after that. She ran through her news stories and Howard ended the show around 10:30am (Mastertape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show mentioning that they had Van Halen stopping by. He said they'll be checking out some of their new music from their latest album. They'll also be talking to Bob Berkowitz who will be analyzing everyone's sexual fantasies. Fred was playing ''Hot for Teacher'' as Howard was talking about that stuff. Howard said he was going to be playing drums today but he was just joking around.
After the show yesterday Howard said he and the guys jammed for over 3 hours. They wrote a new song and they were going to be playing it live for everyone. He said they had the music down and John was supposed to be writing lyrics. Howard said Jackie got thrown out of the band because he had to go to a Henny Youngman lunch yesterday.
Howard said he was drumming for over 2 hours and he almost broke his thumb doing it. He was playing a lot of the instruments yesterday so KC was asking him how he learned them all. Jackie was goofing on Howard saying that he's equally good on all of them. Howard was ready to play for Robin so she could hear how good the new band is. He said the song is good and she'll like what she hears.
Howard said that they have an intern there who wants to meet Eddie Van Halen really bad but they're going to make him wear a jock strap while he does it. Jackie suggested that they have him get into vibrating panties. Gary told them that they had a dress and the jock strap for the intern to wear.
Howard said he wasn't sure where Stuttering John was, he was supposed to be writing those lyrics to the song they wrote. Howard came up with an incredible keyboard riff at one point yesterday. He said he was fiddling around with that a little bit yesterday. Stuttering John showed up so he told Howard he's going to be singing for them and they'll have a drum soundtrack to sing along to.
Jackie asked Howard to drum for them a little bit. Howard said he could do that even though his fingers were hurting. Gary came in and said he came in about 2 hours into that 3 hour jam session. They told him to sit down and listen to their ''hit record'' that they were working on. Gary said he had a lot of work to do so he couldn't stick around in there. He had to sneak out when Howard looked away at one point. He said he thinks Howard was serious about thinking he had a hit song too. Gary said that they did sound much better after that 3 hours of jamming.
Howard said he wanted to play the song but they didn't have a drummer. John said he wasn't supposed to be there until 7 o'clock. Howard wanted to get into it now though. Jackie wanted to play for them but Howard didn't want that. Stuttering John said this was no ''Pot Song.''
Mike was wearing gloves to keep his hands warm for when he drums. He said that place can be pretty cold at times so he has to keep the gloves on. Mike said he's been thinking about what to say to Eddie Van Halen but he's afraid he's going to screw it up. Howard asked him to come up with something to say to Eddie to practice but Mike didn't have much to say.
Mike said that he'd love to be Ed for just one day to be able to play like him. Howard told him to just chop off Eddie's hands and sew them on to his. Mike said that might actually work. Gary thinks that Mike would do gay stuff if he thought he could meet Eddie. Mike didn't think that would happen.
Howard asked Mike to play a little something on guitar for them. Mike got ready and pulled out his guitar that had a Superman logo on it. He said he loves Superman so that's why it's on there. He went into a little bit of Van Halen's ''Eruption'' but Howard told him to take a break and go practice. He played some of the actual song and it wasn't really close to the real thing. Mike wanted to play something else so Howard let him do that. Mike played a little bit of another song that no one recognized. Gary said he is a good guitar player but he doesn't get it quite right. Howard said it's because he's got big, fat fingers. He was actually trying to play ''Get Me a Doctor'' but, once again, it wasn't close to the real thing.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Mike to think like a guitar player since he wasn't able to play like one. Mike asked if he could play another song. Howard let him do that but it wasn't close to ''Run Around'' like he said it was supposed to be. They didn't have the real song to play though.
Gary asked if they wanted to see Mike in the other outfits they had for him. They had the jock strap for him to wear. Howard said he thinks that would be the best because his ass will be hanging out. He asked him if he thinks he sounds like Eddie. Mike said he tries to sound like himself, he's not trying to sound exactly like Eddie.
Mike went out and got changed and came back in wearing the jock strap. Gary got a good laugh out of that. Howard asked him how he felt in that. Mike said it was pretty breezy. Howard told him he prefers him in the dress. Gary thought it was getting close to being kind of gay. A caller told Howard to make him wear the jock strap so he looks like a total fag when he's playing for Van Halen. Another caller said Mike sucked and he should have tuned his guitar first.
Howard wanted Mike to talk to him as if he were Eddie Van Halen and say what he was going to say. Mike said he didn't know what to say and ended up asking him why his amp doesn't have handles on it. He also said he wanted to talk to Eddie about the album cover of 1984. He said he didn't get any sleep last night thinking about this day.
Howard tried taking some other phone calls and ended up goofing on one woman who he wasn't able to hear. She was trying to get Howard to hear him but Howard goofed on her a little bit and had her yelling into her phone. Then she was too loud so he had her quiet down a little bit. He did that back and forth a couple of times before he just hung up on her and went to break a short time later.
Gary came in and said that he remembered seeing Andy doing that Tony Clifton character and how he once had a Tony impersonator show up to some show. Howard explained that to Gary and said that Bob Zmuda would actually play the part once in a while. They would goof on people just so Andy could get a laugh while he was sitting at home and watching that going on.
Howard wanted to go off on Steve Allen because he had heard a clip of him earlier when they came back from break. Howard said they sent Gary Garver out to interview him at some event he was at. They asked him some serious questions about comedians because he loves to comment on people who are funny. He went right into the clip where Garver asked Allen who he thinks is funny. Allen said that might be a 4 hour answer right there.
Howard played Steve's answer but kept interrupting to comment on Steve's dopey thoughts. Steve goes on and on explaining comedy to Gary Garver. He talks about the jokes he writes and stuff like that. Howard explained how he used to be nice to this guy but then he started going around and bad mouthing him. He's not sure why that happened.
Howard said Steve only has balls when it comes to him. He won't bad mouth Woody Allen or anyone like that, only him. Garver asked Steve what he thinks about Howard and that's when he went off on him. He said he likes him personally but doesn't like what he does for a living. He said he's not a comedian or an actor... Howard interrupted and said Steve isn't a comedian either. He said that he's just a talk show host. Steve continues to talk about Howard's lack of talent. He said the only reason he's become famous is because he talks dirty. Howard said that this is a dumb man and he hasn't said anything dirty at all this morning. Then he slipped in a mumbled ''vagina.''
Garver asked Steve if he would consider writing a theme song for Fartman. Steve wasn't interested in that. Garver then asked him how he keeps his sex life going which didn't go over very well. He said ''in normal ways'' and then ended the interview.
Howard said that they were going to get into The Losers performance once their drummer got there. Jackie was still upset that he couldn't play drums. Howard said he just wants to get it over with and he might not be able to wait for their drummer to show up.
Howard said that he, Jackie, Fred and Gary all wrote down their sex fantasies and gave them to Bob. Bob read some of the fantasies to the guys and they had to try and figure out who wrote them. Bob went through the first one where the guy describes the scene with the guy and a tall blonde in an elevator where they proceed to do each other. The fantasy was very detailed and long but Howard let Bob read through the whole thing. They then took a guess at who wrote it. Gary guessed it was Fred because it was way too long and too romantic. Robin also thought it was Fred but Howard thought it was Jackie. It turned out it was Fred.
Bob tried to explain what the fantasy meant and how Fred seemed to want anonymous sex because he wouldn't have to have any emotional attachment. He said that it was interesting that Fred had the husband showing up after they had sex in the elevator. Bob told Fred that the story was very well written. Howard thought Fred had said he wanted the woman to smell like hot biscuits but it was actually hibiscus. Bob told him that his was the most interesting of the bunch.
Bob moved on to the next story that was about one of the guys banging a couple of high school cheerleaders. It was short and to the point. Robin guessed it was Jackie, so did Howard. Gary went with Jackie and Jackie said he thinks it was Gary because he was dopey enough to go back to high school and talk about that. It turns out it was Gary. Bob explained that Gary might be trying to rewrite his high school history in this fantasy. Gary said he was actually popular in school but he never got laid. He said that a lot of guys have fantasies about having more than one woman. Bob analyzed that fantasy a little more and said that Gary was having sex in the shower because he might think it was ''dirty.'' Howard thought it was weird that Gary was still thinking of high school in that way.
Howard said that he and Jackie are the only two left. Bob went through the next fantasy which was someone having a woman looking at him while he studies her. Everyone knew that it was Howard. Howard said that he actually had two fantasies so he told Bob to read the second one. Bob read that and said he would like to have a woman in front of a mirror so he could watch himself in the mirror while having sex with her from behind. Robin told him he was a sicko after hearing that. Bob said it seems that Howard wants to control women in his fantasies. He might not feel he has control in his real life so that's why he wants to do what he explained in the fantasy.
Robin said she thinks that Howard wants to make love to himself. Bob asked Howard why he wants to make a woman uncomfortable. He said he likes to make a woman feel self conscious about herself. He's not sure why that is. Howard said that women's discomfort amuses him. He's not sure why that is but that's the way he feels. They all continued to talk about that for a few minutes trying to figure out what Howard is thinking with that fantasy.
Bob moved on to Jackie's fantasy but he had to skip one of them because it was too dirty. He read the one he was able to where Jackie talks about wanting 3 women that he had slept with in the past. Howard said it read like a joke because he had three different types of women in it. Jackie says that he's on a golf course with his balls drooped inside a hole that's filled with wine. Then he describes what each one of the women are doing to him. Howard said it seemed that Jackie wasn't taking the assignment seriously.
Howard wrapped up with Bob after hearing some of his thoughts on what he talks about in his book ''His Secret Life : Male Sexual Fantasies.'' He went to break after that.
Howard called Rush a big, fat piece of garbage. He continued to red through the article and found some notes about Imus who is on 100 radio stations. He said he's actually been kicked off of most of them though. He said Imus always claims he has millions of listeners but he doesn't believe that's true.
Howard asked John what this song is about. John said it's called ''Skunk'' which is about weed. It's not obvious that it's a pot song though. Howard wanted to have The Losers play live but Jackie was still being left out of the band.
Howard said they had John singing, Fred playing guitar, Brian playing drums and himself playing keyboard. He said he really thinks they have a hit song on their hands. Everyone got ready to perform. John asked for some echo but didn't get much of any. They started the song a short time later. John sang as the other guys were abusing their instruments.
The guys got through the song and Howard said that Eddie Van Halen had walked in and started hitting him as he was playing keyboards. Robin said the song wouldn't be so bad if it was in the hands of some real musicians. She also thought that they hadn't written anything, it was just the Twilight Zone theme song being played with some lyrics. They got back into the song a little bit to show Robin that it wasn't like that at all. They ended up performing the whole song again.
Howard said he thinks the song is good but Robin was laughing and told them to keep working on it and maybe they'll have something there. Howard said he thinks Eddie Van Halen is out there trying to steal their song. Gary came in and said that he turned down the volume in the green room and Alex Van Halen said ''thank you'' when he did that.
Eddie had come into the studio so Howard asked him for his opinion. Eddie was off mic and ended up trying to play the song on Howard's keyboard. Eddie wasn't saying much. He was all over the studio and they weren't able to follow him. Eddie went over to Stuttering John who he had a run in with a while back. Eddie wanted to apologize to Stuttering John for getting so upset with him after he had asked him some goofy questions. Eddie was wandering around the studio so Howard wondered if he was going to be able to calm down. Gary told Eddie that they were on the air and he ended up walking out. He may not have known that they were actually broadcasting.
Robin said that Howard's fantasies are all about him and not about the woman. Howard said that's not true, he wants to give a woman pleasure in his fantasy. Gary said it seems like Howard doesn't like the woman in his fantasy. Howard said they were all nuts.
The guys were all analyzing Jackie's fantasy trying to figure that strange thing out. Jackie said that it wasn't all that strange. Everyone else thought it was strange and that he had actually done that with his wife in the bathroom. Gary told Howard that Van Halen was really hot to get in there so they might want to move things along.
Eddie came walking in a short time later so Howard asked him what his sexual fantasy is. Eddie said he doesn't have any left, he's done it all. Howard said they might have to take a break and then bring Eddie back in. Eddie was acting kind of strange so Howard tried to get him to listen to him. Eddie was all over the place and not paying attention to Howard.
Howard said they had to take a break before moving on. They were having some issues with Eddie walking around the studio so they had to calm him down and move on.
Howard talked to the guys about recording the album at Eddie's house. it turns out they've recorded all of their albums at Eddie's house in the 5150 studio. The 5150 thing was explained as being a special code on a police scanner for an escaped mental patient. Howard asked Eddie to sit down and put his guitar down so he could talk to him. Eddie was still messing around with it and not talking to him. Howard asked if Gary signed his contract in disappearing ink. The guys said Gary hadn't signed anything yet so there wasn't any ink at all.
Howard asked the guys about how many albums they've sold over the years. They said it's over 80 million. Howard figured that they were right up there with the Beatles and the Stones as far as being a best selling band. Howard took a call from a woman who knew Gary Cherrone. She said she's known him for years and said he used to tell her that he was going to be a star and he finally made it.
Howard saw that Eddie had his guitar ready to play so he asked him if he was going to play. Eddie said he wasn't going to play it even though he had just spent 5 minutes getting it ready. Howard got back to the guys and asked them about the tour they were going to be going on. They talked about that for a short time.
Howard said that Alex and Eddie were big stars in their high school and were getting laid by the time they were 13 or 14 because of their musical talent. Eddie said something about being 12 when he started getting laid. Alex said that their mother was pretty much the kind of person who would beat them to make them learn to play piano. She'd whack their hands if they didn't practice. Howard said he wishes that his parents had done that to him.
Howard asked the guys about David Lee Roth and why he got kicked out of the band and also about Sammy. The guys didn't seem to want to talk about that stuff. Baba Booey said that he thinks they were upset that David was trying to turn the band into a Las Vegas-like act. The guys said that he did do that.
Howard asked Eddie about the first time he got laid. He said he was actually 13 and got a high school chick. Eddie was also saying that the band is in a new place and they're all on the same page this time. Robin said that they've heard that before, with Sammy, so who knows. Eddie said that Gary is actually living there at his place in the guest house.
Robin asked the guys if Sammy Hagar quit the band like they claim David Lee Roth did. They said that he did. Eddie didn't want to talk about the rest of their singers, he just wanted to talk about Gary. Howard said he just saw David Lee at the donut shop the other day and he's doing fine. The guys got a little laugh out of that.
Howard moved on and had Mike the Intern come in dressed in his dress. Mike wanted to meet the band and he had to wear a dress to do it. Mike told the guys that he's wanted to meet them since he was 10 and started rambling about how much he likes them. He said he even took a job as a concert security guy hoping to meet them.
Mike was going to play a little guitar for the guys and said he was going to play a little Panama. He picked up his guitar and tried playing but it wasn't all that great. Howard was laughing so Eddie told him to give him a chance. Eddie asked him if he had fun playing. Mike said it was great because he did get to play in front of those guys. Howard asked Eddie if that was the worst ''Panama'' he had ever heard. Eddie said it wasn't.
Howard told Mike to get out of there but Mike wanted to get his picture taken with them. Howard told him to wait until after the show. Gary said he already told him that. Mike asked to shake their hands too but Howard didn't want him doing that either.
Howard talked to Michael Anthony about how he got into the band. He talked about that a little bit. Howard then asked Eddie to play a little something. The guys were saying it was too early in the morning to be playing though. Eddie got up and started playing a little bit but his amp sounded kind of distorted. Eddie played a little bit but the amp noise was kind of distracting. Howard asked the rest of the guys to play but they weren't moving. Eddie was playing some of his famous guitar riffs but the rest of the band didn't want to help out. Eddie was screwing around with his amp trying to figure out what was going on with that.
Howard said he had a couple of guys who had won a contest where they get to meet the band and hang out with them all day long. He asked them a few questions and then Stuttering John came in and said that Mike the Intern was willing to sing along with Eddie if he plays. Howard said he'd play drums if Alex wasn't going to play. He went over to the drums and took over since Alex wasn't going to do it.
Mike the Intern prepared to sing while Howard banged on the drums a little bit. Eddie played guitar but Howard didn't know how to follow along to what he was doing. He begged Alex to come over and play but it wasn't happening. Howard told Eddie to just play something and have Mike singing along with him. They went with ''Panama'' since Mike knew that song. Eddie was still dicking around with his guitar trying to get that to work so Howard had to move them along.
Eddie played his distorted guitar and Howard pounded on the drums. Mike was about to start singing but Eddie stopped and told Howard to stop with the drums. They started again and Mike sang along with Eddie as he was playing guitar. Howard laid off the banging and played a little bit of the cymbals and kept it quiet. Howard gave up at that point. Mike thought it was pretty awesome that he got to sing with Eddie like that. Howard said Eddie's guitar was really loud in there. He kept begging the band to get up and play but they weren't very cooperative.
Howard said he didn't care what they played as long as they played something. They refused so Howard gave up and asked them more about this new album. He also played some of their new single. Gary said that Eddie sings in one of the tracks so Howard tried to find that to play but wasn't able to find it.
Mike was still in the studio so he wanted to ask Eddie some more questions. Howard told him to stop and then took a call from a woman who said she's slept with Gary and she knows he's very well hung. That led to Howard asking the guys if they had seen Gary naked yet. They weren't talking. Howard asked the woman on the phone how she met Gary. She said when he was in his last band she met him at a place they were playing at. She said she was with him a couple of times and he told her that she was special. Howard figured she must be pretty good looking if she caught the eye of Gary. Gary didn't seem to remember meeting the chick though.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked why the band wasn't going to play, they sounded like a bunch of pussies. They laughed at that and though it was another intern calling in. Baba Booey asked the guys if there's a chance that they would work with David Lee Roth again. They said there's no chance of that happening. They said there are some things that are better left as memories.
Howard talked about his first day on the air in Detroit and how he had been kept up all night because Van Halen was staying in the same hotel as he was. He said he had chicks banging on his door and stuff. He said he remembers them doing an interview with the big guy on that station so he didn't get to meet them back then.
Howard played the track off the new album where Eddie sings. He asked what the song was about but Eddie said that Gary had written it. Gary said he didn't know what the song was about even though he had written the lyrics. Howard said he thinks that Gary was writing the lyrics about Valerie, Eddie's wife, so he might not want him to stay in that guest house anymore.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked why the guys weren't playing because they did sound kind of lame. Then the caller asked the guys what they were going to do when they got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Alex and Eddie said it'll be up to Dave and Sammy if they want to show up. Howard said that maybe some of them will die before that happens and they won't have to show up with them.
Howard played another track off the new album but only made it through about 30 seconds of it before getting sidetracked. He wanted to know about some of the chicks that the guys have slept with but Eddie asked him to play more of the album. Howard played another song and asked what that one was about. The guys didn't want to explain anything to him. He let the song play for a couple of minutes and said he thinks that one is also about Valerie. He noticed that the guys were smoking a lot of cigarettes this morning. Alex was actually taking the filter off his cigarettes.
Howard asked the contest winners if they had any questions for the guys. They were afraid to ask anything so they kept quiet. Howard said he's a big fan of the band and they've given them some great music over the years. Howard asked Eddie about his son Wolfgang and talked to Alex about his many marriages. He said he's been married a few times. Howard said he imagines that Alex would be the one who would have a more stable marriage than Eddie but it turns out he's wrong. Howard said he was thinking about how Valerie must look in a thong. He got back into the discussion with Alex about getting married again and said it'll probably fall apart just like his other marriages.
Howard asked the guys more about working with David Lee Roth. He said he heard that Eddie got into a fist fight with David one time. Eddie said it wasn't much of a fight but Howard said he heard Eddie had cleaned David's clock. Howard said he had to end the interview but he took a couple more phone calls. One guy claimed that he had given Gary a massage one time and he could confirm that he is very large. Eddie handed over his guitar to Howard as they were ending the interview. Howard thanked them for coming in and went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who was from Australia. He couldn't take it for long so he had to bail out on the call. He got into some of the hate mail he's been getting lately. He said that they've been going into some new cities and the amount of mail they get is remarkable. Howard read one e-mail where someone went off on him for something he'd talked about on the show the other day. He and the guys spent some time talking about that.
Howard got to the hate mail he's been getting. A lot of the mail reads the same and it's almost as if the same person wrote it. He read one email where a woman complained that she didn't want to hear that kind of show driving to work in the morning. Howard said they should call that woman but she didn't leave her phone number, just an e-mail address. Howard read through another one where the writer wrote ''your are only rock station'' so he goofed on that person. Most of the people were complaining that this Prescott guy had gotten fired and the station had just fired him because they were out to make money. Howard said that there's nothing wrong with that. They do need to make money to stay in business after all.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a Who's Older game to play. He ripped through some names like Leno or Letterman... Letterman is older. Then he asked Tina Turner or Ted Turner. Howard and Robin went with Tina. Ted was one year older. Here are some of the others he gave them...
Mike said he would love a tape of that ''Panama'' performance to keep for himself. Mike said that this is like a dream to him and he really appreciates that they did that for him. Gary gave him a bottle that was full of Eddie's cigarette butts and he sounded very excited about that. Howard kicked him out of the studio a short time later. He told him he was messed up walking around with those cigarette butts.
Gary asked Howard if he wanted to do anything with that girl in the green room. Howard told him to get him some green paint and he'd do it. He said it's not a good time to do it since he wanted to do it during the show. He had Robin do some of her news before they brought her in though.
Gary asked Howard what he would think his daughter was up to if she came home with all of that stuff on her. Howard said he'd think that she was pretty loose and having dirty sex. Howard asked her why she wanted to get her breasts painted green. She said she wanted to do it last year but they got there kind of late.
Howard put on his gloves so he wouldn't get green paint on his hands. H said his wife would be hounding him about that if he went home with green hands. He went on to give her some four leaf clovers on her breasts and let her go a short time later. He said she had some nice breasts as she was having that done. He told Gary to flap his lips to dry them off as they were walking out of the studio. Robin got back to her news right after that.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:25am (Mastertape Theatre time).