| Monday | Tuesday |
|
|
| Wednesday | Thursday |
|
|
| Friday | |
|
Howard started off the show talking about the Jets and Giants losing over the weekend. He said he watched the Penn State game as well. It turns out he was hanging out with Beth's brother Dave over the weekend and he played for Penn State so that's why he knew all of this stuff. Howard talked about this guy Joe Paterno who is 81 and has been coaching Penn State since 1953, longer than Howard has been alive. He said the guy makes some good money doing that too.
Howard told a story about Paterno picking Beth's other brother Dave out of the crowd at the game one time after he'd told him to give him a call to help him out. He ran up to him about a year after he'd spoken to him and told him he should have called him because he could help get him a job. The guy actually remembered Dave that long after meeting him.
Howard said that Beth's brother Doug decided to get married and they asked to get married at his house out in the Hamptons. Howard agreed to it and they didn't have a big crowd there. He said there were just a few people invited and this Minister came over and did the ceremony. He kept the Jesus stuff to a minimum. He said the guy asked them how much of that they wanted in there so they told him just a little bit and that's what he gave them.
Howard said that he was thinking of having that minister perform their ceremony as well. He said that the whole thing is gay. Robin told him that marriage all came out of religion so that's why people go through all of that. She said that she knows that these guys have taken all of that out of the whole thing but that's what it was all about.
Howard said maybe he should have some Wiken perform the ceremony or something. That led to them talking about having someone like Yoda or a Gamorrean Guard do the ceremony. Howard went into his impression of the Gamorrean Guard and did that for a short time.
Howard said he was the videogrpher at the wedding over the weekend. He took 7 DVD's worth of footage there. He's now thinking of handing them over to one of the guys at Howard TV to edit and put together something nice for them. Howard said he really loves Beth's brothers and Doug's new wife. They had a great time out there at the house over the weekend.
Howard said he and Beth were talking about that Minister and possibly using him for their wedding. Artie said Jim Breuer did something kind of funny and became a reverend over the internet. Howard said he did that way back when he was at WNBC. He said he found it in the back of a magazine back then and went through the process.
Howard said he and Beth had a big discussion about their wedding and he was kind of getting cold feet about the whole thing. He said he wondered what he was doing getting married. He said that it was actually his idea to have a bit of a wedding instead of just running off to get married alone. Now Beth is going to get a dress and everything.
Howard said he gets horny and comes up with stuff about this wedding. Then he comes and he loses it and said that he wants nothing to do with a wedding. Artie said a chick could probably get him to say he loves the Mets right before he comes. He figures that Howard is going to keep doing that stuff right up until he's at his son's little league game.
Howard said that his sister is married to a non-Jewish guy. He told a story about his sister getting engaged to a guy who wasn't a Jew back when she was younger and his mother started to freak out on her. Then she met another dude when she was going to Penn State and broke up with that other guy. She met her current husband and eventually married him but his parents were worn out from the last time so they didn't give her a hard time about it.
King asked Howard if he dated other Jewish girls when he was growing up. Howard said he did. King talked about how he wanted to find a woman who had nice hair so his kid would have nice hair. He said he lucked out and she does have nice hair. That led to the guys talking about kinky hair. Howard said he loves that look on a little kid.
King was telling some stories about the kinky hair and Robin said that this is what ''her people'' are worrying themselves over. King also said that he used to use Jeri Curl back in the day so Artie asked if he had any pictures that he could share. King said he does have some pictures. Howard let him go a short time later after King told a couple of stories about the Jeri Curl thing. He was saying that it was the worst when it got rained on. It would harden up if it got wet.
Howard had to hang up on King after he started to ask him about his house out in the Hamptons. He said the guy always wants to know more about his stuff. He said he doesn't really care about the kind of faucets he has in his house and stuff like that. King is interested in all of that but he really doesn't retain that information.
Bobo called in and asked Howard who he's going to eliminate from the guest list at their wedding when it happens. He said that they both agreed that they're not going to have Richard and Sal there. He really doesn't want to open his private life to those guys even though he loves them.
Howard said he's thinking of having two parties for the wedding. One would be family and the other would be friends. He said he considers the guys at work to be friends and ran through the list of people he'd have at that party. It would be Robin, Gary, Fred and Artie, not even Benjy. He said he thinks he could keep the list down to 25 or 30 people, not 80 like Beth thinks it'll be.
Howard said he should have a lottery and have only 25 tickets available and pick the people that way. Then he thought about having a second tier lottery with only 1 ticket available. That way the guys like Sal and Richard could possibly get invited. He said the worst would be if Sal were invited, the best case would be if JD made it because he'd just sit in a corner drinking.
Bobo asked a question about Artie and that led to Howard talking to him about how good Beth thinks he looks when he's thin. Artie said he was watching an old show on Howard TV and Howard and Robin were both talking to him about keeping the weight off even when he was thin. They knew he was going to blow up.
Howard got a note from the guys saying that Sal and Richard would only go to the wedding if they were both invited. Howard said that was an easy decision then, neither of them are going. He said that if he had to cut people out of the wedding, he'd probably cut Artie, then Gary. He said it would probably end up just being Robin and Fred.
Howard talked about how he got worried about Artie bringing a date to his house one time. It turned out she didn't come with him that time but he has had chicks come to other parties. He said that Artie is really a great house guest and he doesn't mind having him there. He said that when he stayed at his place over vacation, he slept for 15 hours which was great. He didn't have to worry about entertaining him that day. He said that's the best.
Howard said when Artie stayed at his place he actually made the bed before he left. That's a great guest. Artie said he was always taught to do that stuff by his mother. He said that she told him that whenever you stay as a guest, you should make the bed.
Howard talked about staying over at Dominic's house and how he and Beth screwed in all of the rooms they could there. He said they may have had to call in some cleaners to clean that place up after that. He said they had a really good time because they hadn't been dating all that long at that point. They were really into each other at that point and did all kinds of crazy stuff.
Artie told Howard that the chick that he was going to bring to Howard's house had failed his internal tests so he knew that it would be a bad idea if he brought her. He said she gets a little crazy when she drinks. Howard said that was okay, they had Ralph out there embarrassing them instead.
Howard said that Ralph was on the Superfan Roundtable last week talking about what had gone on that weekend. He said Ralph's explanation was nuts. Howard didn't want to get into the whole explanation about what happened since the fans had probably heard it already. He went right into the clip of Ralph talking about the $300 that Artie had loaned him and how pissed off he was about Artie thinking that he wasn't going to pay him back.
Artie said he didn't ask for the money back but he figured that maybe Ralph would have acknowledged the whole thing. He said that he could have just told him he'd get it back to him when he got back from California or something.
In the clip from Superfan Roundtable Mutt was talking to Ralph about the money and Ralph said that he was going to give it back and he figured that Artie was projecting his own behavior on to him. He also claims that he paid Artie off on the bet that Artie claims he didn't pay him for. He called Artie a liar about that. He also said that he thanked Artie for the helicopter flight out to the Hamptons even though Artie said he never did that either. Ralph said that he didn't know what more he could do than thank him for the flight.
Howard said that Ralph also talked about the peeing out in the event they went to. Ralph said that they were out in the woods and no one saw him peeing. Howard said that it was a red carpet event and there were people who saw him going to the woods to pee. Gary came in and pointed that out to the guys. Ralph brought up a good point about Howard pissing in a bottle in his car and pouring it out the window of Ronnie's car and getting it all over the side. He and Beth also peed on a lawn after going to Puffy's party one time. Howard said that he and Beth had no choice, they had no where else to pee. He claims that there was a bathroom there at the concert they went to and Ralph could have waited.
In the clips from Superfan Roundtable, Ralph defended himself and wondered why he can't do anything bad around Howard. Howard said that Ralph had to stop going to appearances because he was embarrassing him. He said that if he wanted to do that kind of behavior himself, that's one thing. If he's got people hanging around him that are going to do stuff like that, it's just not right. He said that the people who come with him to those events are representing him so they should be on good behavior.
Ralph said he ran off about a 1/4 of a mile to go pee and it wasn't that close to the red carpet. Howard said that there's an amazing comment that comes out of Ralph in this clip. He played that and Ralph said that he doesn't think he's kind of embarrassed to work on the show sometimes. He said that some people think you're working for the devil when you tell them that he works for the guy. Howard said that's very odd because his whole life is based around that show. He said that he's had many doors opened for him because of the show and now he's claiming he's embarrassed by the show. He said that if he didn't work for the show, he wouldn't be who he is today.
Howard said he's glad that Artie was there that night because he saw Ralph holding them up from leaving the house. They'd planned to leave around 7:15 and Ralph was on the phone making plans for his trip to California. Gary asked Howard if he's ever apologized for anything that he's done wrong. Howard said that's never happened.
Gary was getting kind of upset about all of the stuff Ralph was saying in the clips and went off on him. He was so frustrated that he kept talking until he ran out of breath.
Ralph said that he thinks someone slipped him something that night he was out drinking because he never blacks out after drinking. Ralph was going off on Howard for picking on him about the stuff that he does like drinking and smoking pot. Howard pointed out that he tries not to do that kind of stuff when he's in public situations because he doesn't want to look like a fool.
Howard played more clips and goofed on Ralph a little bit about some of the stuff he was saying. He said that Ralph was smoking pot at the concert that night even though he asked him not to. He said that's the kind of thing that Ralph does.
Ralph was claiming that Artie had asked him if he wanted to try one of his Subutex pills that night. Artie said he wasn't really going to let him take one. He did say that he could let him try one but he decided against it.
Ralph was also talking about how Gary had said something about him feeling that he had this sense of entitlement. He said that he really doesn't have that at all and he doesn't know where that came from. Gary came in and said that Ralph really does have that sense of entitlement and if you listen to what he said during that show, you can hear it. He said he could play that stuff for a judge and the judge would say that he does have that feeling of entitlement.
Howard said Ralph is a good friend of his but he is a bit misguided. Robin said he took it to a new level after this whole thing. She said that you'd think that he'd admit that he f'd up this time and just take responsibility for it. Howard had to wrap up after that because he had other things to get to. He said he wanted to get to the MTV Awards and the Andy Dick show that aired last week. He went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he saw Nelly Furtado on the MTV awards over the weekend. Howard said he still looks forward to those award shows. He said he went and did it back in the early 80s and it was like the coolest show around at the time. Artie said that he looks forward to it too but the timing is awful. He said it was on during a football game last night. Howard said that he wouldn't have remembered it if they weren't talking about how Britney Spears was going to be performing.
Howard said that Britney was supposed to make her big comeback at the awards last night so he tuned in with much anticipation. He said he got in his bed to watch the show and ended up having no sound. He said he had to call the guy who installed it to complain. He said the guy said it was working fine for a couple of months. Howard said he's got to switch back to regular TV instead of this fancy thing he's got now.
Howard said that he watched the movie 300 over the weekend and loved it. Artie thought that there was some kind of gay stuff going on in the movie. Howard said he was warned about the gay stuff before he saw it.
Howard got back to the MTV Awards thing and said that it was probably the worst produced and horrible show he's ever seen on MTV. He said that he's not sure who was in charge of the whole thing but they had all of these party suites at the event. They basically had the audience there watching TV. They had the Foo Fighters there in one suite but they'd only show a few seconds of their performance instead of a whole song. He said it was very frustrating and he thinks it was an experiment gone wrong.
Howard talked about this guy who tried to reinvent radio by playing 10 seconds of the hit songs they were playing on the station. That concept didn't fly, it bombed. He said that the MTV guys tried to do that last night and it just didn't work. He said if he were those performers, they should be pissed because they didn't get any coverage. They did put that stuff on the web though. Howard said that he read that Kanye West said that he will never do MTV again after that experience.
Howard said the Britney Spears thing was very sad. He thinks that she's mentally ill and she may be in the middle of a mental breakdown. He said that he's no beauty himself but he noticed that she had hair extensions last night. He said that she was wearing short shorts and a bra and the girl's a good 20 pounds overweight. Her back fat was rolling and it wasn't pretty. He showed Robin a picture of her in the Daily News this morning and Robin sounded shocked by what she looked like. Howard said she looked a mess and people in the audience were laughing at her. She couldn't even lip sync to her own song and people were laughing at her during the performance.
Howard said he thinks that Britney needs an intervention immediately. She's basically telling people she doesn't want to be in show business at this point and she's in deep trouble. He said that some people have said that she may not survive this whole thing.
Howard said that Sarah Silverman came out and tried to do her thing but the room was awful and it had to be impossible to hear anything going on out in the crowd. He played a clip of her time on stage. Sarah talked about Britney and how she had already accomplished everything in her life that she was ever going to accomplish. She was goofing on Britney and her little mistakes (her kids).
Howard said that music is the worst these days. He said that this one group, Fall Out Boy, think they're so cool but they just come across as dicks. He said that they were goofing on Bon Jovi but meanwhile, he's never even heard of their band. He said that they start performing and they just suck. Robin wondered where that band will be in 5 years. They won't be where Bon Jovi was.
Howard talked about how Justin Timberlake won an award and brought some black dude up on stage with him. He thinks that Justin did it just so he'd have some credibility in the black community. It was Timberland who was up on stage with him so Robin said that it wasn't just any black guy, it was a pretty famous performer. Howard said the whole show was retarded.
Howard said that maybe he's just showing his age now but he just doesn't get these people. They had this guy Shia LaBeouf, who is in the next Indiana Jones movie, announcing the name of the next movie. No one seemed to give a shit when he made the announcement.
Howard said that the best part of the awards wasn't even caught on tape. He said that Pam Anderson was there and he's now hearing that she's back with Tommy Lee. He heard that Pam wouldn't stop talking about Tommy when she got up on stage. He doesn't get why she keeps going back to that guy. Howard heard that Tommy sucker punched Kid Rock at the awards and they both got dragged out of the event.
Howard said that they should be able to make a good awards show with all of the money Viacom has. He said that a couple of performers doing a full performance would have been great.
Howard said Justin Timberlake did say something pretty cool. He asked MTV to play more videos. He played that clip and said he had to agree with that. Howard said he wasn't able to watch the whole awards show because he had to go to bed but from what he saw, it was boring.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Britney Spears thing was sad. He also brought up some stuff that he watched on Howard TV over the weekend. That led to Artie talking about this one classic show they have up there now and how he had watched that. It was one show where he and Stuttering John were talking about maggots in orange juice. They spent a couple of minutes on that.
Howard said he had a list of the top 5 shows on Howard TV. He ran through those and the caller would comment on each one. Howard had to hang up on him a short time later after he was asking for some money. Here are the shows that Howard mentioned being the top 5:
Howard got back to the MTV things. He played a clip where Pam was introducing Kanye West and mentioned Tommy Lee a bunch of times during that. Howard said that Tommy was whistling and making an ass out of himself so Pam would talk about him. He said that he was probably just trying to get on the air.
Gary told Howard that TMZ.com is reporting that it was actually Kid Rock who threw a punch at Tommy Lee. Gary said that the funny thing is that even though Kid Rock sucker punched Tommy Lee, Tommy was the one who got thrown out of the event.
Howard played some clips of Jaime Foxx talking about the Tommy and Kid Rock fight. He was goofing on them and on Pam a little bit. Howard said that guy is funny.
In another clip they had Miss South Carolina from the Miss Teen USA pageant come out to make fun of herself. Howard played the audio from that pageant where she tried to explain why she thinks that so many people in the U.S. can't find it on a map. She rambled out a bunch of nonsense trying to answer. Artie laughed his ass off when he heard the clip again. Howard said that they cut her off too early and should have let her keep going.
Howard played the clip of Miss South Carolina trying to make fun of herself but she even screwed that up. He said that was about it for his review of the MTV Music Awards. He said you hope that Miss South Carolina knows how to suck a cock.
Howard played some clips of Evil Dave trying to cut a promo with Steve the Intern. The guy wasn't able to get out his lines right after a bunch of tries. Artie said he gets more and more mad at Steve when he hears that clip.
Gary came in and said that he was trying to put together this Kid Rock and Tommy Lee thing. He said he read that Tommy may have been the instigator and Kid Rock threw a couple of punches at him. He did find a picture of Tommy Lee being dragged out of the event so he showed that to Howard. Howard described what he saw in the picture and goofed on him about how he was dressed. Howard said that Kid Rock could probably kill Tommy Lee in a fight.
Howard said that scuffle happened during the Alicia Keys performance and he'd have to say that it was a good time for that to happen. He said something had to be done to make that more entertaining. He said that Miss South Carolina chick was something else. He figures that she'll find some rich guy to marry and suck his penis real good. He played some oral sex audio clips to create the scenario.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he had heard last week's Mastertape Theatre show. He said that Howard went on an anti-marriage rant during that show. Jim Florentine was also on that show. Howard said that he had heard that show and Jim was really good that day. Robin said that Fred really has his impression of Jim down really good. Fred went into that impression and had some fun talking about what he was going to do with Robin on their date. He was talking about putting pepper on her labia and eating her. He was also talking about having Bob Levy come over so they can skewer her like a rotisserie.
Howard changed subjects and mentioned what a mess Beyonce was on the awards last night. He quickly went over that and then moved on to Lisa.
Lisa said she interviewed some people at the Fashion Rocks show and got interviews with Carmen Electra and a few other guys. Howard wondered how she's doing. Lisa said that Carmen wants to come back on the show but she probably won't be hopping back on the Sybian again.
Lisa said that Jason and Will have noticed that Gary is wearing reading glasses in his office but won't wear them in the studio. Gary said that Jason was telling him that Robin and Fred both wear reading glasses and they look much older. He said he was looking at himself and noticed that he's looking really old too. He put them on and the guys told him he looks the same, he's got the same big lips and teeth.
Artie said that he always looks at Fred as the guy with the long hair and stuff and it's shocking when he sees him with the glasses on. Howard said that his vision has actually gotten better as he's gotten older. Howard said that he tried contacts years ago but they didn't work out for him. He goofed on Gary and pointed out all of the stuff that's going on with him that's making him look older. He thinks that his lips are getting bigger.
Lisa said that Richard has a new album out with his band Burning Inside. The album is available on iTunes and you can check Richard out at RichardChristy.com
Gary hung up on Richard and called him a fucker the second time. Then he called back and hung up on him again after Richard was breathing into the phone. Artie wondered how they knew that Gary hated the breathing thing over the phone. Howard said they know Gary well enough to know that he hates that kind of thing. They've been out on the road with the guy.
Howard said he had some other things to play like Captain Janks' call to a show that OJ Simpson was on. He went into another Gary the Retard prank call instead. In that one Sal and Richard were saying ''Gary, hello and hi'' over and over again. They had Gary saying hello back to them but they wouldn't say anything else. Then Gary yells ''NO MORE GOD DAMN HELLOS!'' and hangs up.
Howard played a third Gary the Retard call where Richard was talking over Gary and interrupting him, confusing him with Wendy the Retard. Howard said that stuff goes on all day back there in their office. He played another call where Richard called Gary and told him that he had some test results for him to let him know if he was retarded or not. Sal then tells him that he's no longer retarded. Then they test him with some more questions and most of the answers are ''I don't know'' but then he fails the test when he can't answer ''What's two plus five?'' Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard heard that Scott is going to be out of work for a week or so. Scott said he's getting an operation for his hernia. Howard said that they take 10 weeks off a year and Scott couldn't schedule a week for when they're on vacation. Scott said that he tried to schedule it around that but wasn't able to work things out. Howard went through all of the vacation that they've taken lately and how he could have used one of those weeks. Scott said that if he wants, he can put it off until December when they take a couple of weeks off.
Scott said he was trying to work things out to get it done when they were on vacation this summer but it didn't work. Now the doctor is telling him he needs to have it done as soon as possible. Gary said that he would have it done while they're on vacation if it was him. Scott explained what the hernia was but Howard cut him off and told him to go back to work.
Howard said that Scott has been putting this thing off for years and now all of a sudden he has to have it done while the show is live. He said he's not going to stop him from doing it if it's a health related thing but he had two years to get it done.
Howard said that someone thought Scott had a boner the other day and he was claiming it was his hernia. Scott said that it really is the lump from the hernia. He showed them the lump in his pants and how big it was. He said that the bump causes your dick to get sucked inside itself so it looks like he's really small right now. He said he's always adjusting himself now. The hernia has slowly been getting worse and worse over the past couple of years.
Howard cut Scott off and told him he doesn't care. He said he had a lot of opportunities to do it but now he's got to take time off of work to make it happen. Howard wanted to see the hernia but Scott said he wouldn't do it. Scott said that he can actually feel stuff moving through there when he's got to take a shit and stuff. Howard let him go after that.
Fred said that they're not sure exactly how she fell. He said that she may have tripped but she doesn't remember what happened herself. Fred said that they did a CAT scan and everything came out okay when they tested her. Fred said a lot of shit goes through your head when you see something like that happen, and it's not good. Howard said he's glad that things worked out okay for them.
Howard said that this dude went to the doctor and found out that he had a lung condition caused by the fake butter stuff that they use on popcorn. He said that the popcorn fumes can cause this condition and once the guy stopped doing that, the condition went away.
Robin said that she likes to hot air pop her popcorn. Howard said that she just told him that she's not eating cheese now. She's become almost a vegan. Robin said that she's eating organic stuff now. Howard warned people not to breath in that popcorn steam anymore after reading that popcorn story. He said they should repeat that story every day so people know about that stuff.
Howard said that the chess teacher is a full time teacher of chess now. He used to do some other stuff but now he teaches chess. Howard went on to say that there are people out there who actually cheat to win chess games online. He spent a few minutes talking about the chess thing and how this teacher must love him because he can pay him and he shows up for class on the internet when he's supposed to. He said that he can talk to him on the phone while he's teaching him how to play. He said he takes maybe 2 or 3 lessons a week depending on his free time.
Artie asked who's more expensive, his shrink or his chess teacher. Howard said it's his shrink for sure. He said that his shrink thinks he's nuts. He's been going to this guy for 9 years now and he's still a mess.
Howard said that he and Beth were telling her brother Doug about some horror stories about marriage. He said he had to tell him about the positive marriages too. He said they told him about Jon Hein and Gary's marriage. They both seem to have good marriages. They've had some rough times in their marriages though. That led to the guys talking about Fred's marriage and the tough times he had when his wife was doing a play and making out with a guy. Artie heard the replay of that show recently and reminded Howard and Robin about what had gone on that day.
Mariann said that she thinks that Fred's marriage is doing very well now. Howard hung up on her and played some clips from Ferrall's show. Howard played a few seconds of it but interrupted when he heard that there was music playing behind Fred. Fred said that was the one thing he didn't care for on the show. He said it was kind of cool at the start of the show but it keeps going through the whole show.
Fred was asked about the way Howard treats him so Howard figured he was trying to cause some trouble there. He played more of the clip and then heard that Scott had Rush playing in the background so it was hard for Fred to compete with that. Howard said it sounds like you're listening to two shows at the same time when you hear the audio. Fred said there were times in the evening when he wasn't sure if he'd finished his thought or not.
Howard played more of the interview where Fred was trying to talk over the music in the background. He was doing really well in the interview according to Howard. As Fred was talking about Stuttering John there was some Judas Priest ''Breakin the Law'' playing under him. Artie did his impression of that as Howard was doing an impression of Fred trying to talk over it. Robin said she wasn't sure what to listen to, Fred or the music. Fred said that Scott's fans are rabid and really into the whole show.
Howard said that on December 17th they have The History of Howard Stern coming up. He said that this is what he would have done for a CD set if he was going to put one out. They're going to go through the whole history of his show starting that day and running through the rest of the year. He said it's going to be quite a special. Howard mentioned that Chuck Zito is on tonight at 7 on Howard 101.
Howard said that they have two girls coming in to compete against each other and they're going to compete for the queef off against Debbie. He said that Eve and Abby are going to do it today and then the winner goes up against Debbie at another time.
Howard said that they have a $500 prize for the winner today and then they'll have something else in the future for the next queef off. Abby has never been on the show live, she was on the phone doing her queefs. Howard said he wasn't going to get into this but he didn't want Debbie to get pissed off.
Will came in and helped Howard get through the whole thing. Howard mentioned that his cousin's company BeeCeuticals is the sponsor for this thing. He said you can find out more about that at HealthFromTheHive.com.
Will said that they have three categories for this queef off. They have the longest, loudest and most in 30 seconds. Howard had the girls come in after that. Eve was on the show recently doing her queef thing and she was hot according to Howard. He said that Abby was pretty hot too.
Howard said that Eve's appearance set off Debbie the last time. Eve said that she can beat her no problem. She said she needs to win today. Abby said that it's important for her to win today too. She told Howard that she's been queefing forever and does it for friends.
Howard said that you'd think that these girls were fat, hairy chicks but they're hot. Gary asked the girls how they figured out they could do this. Abby said that she discovered it accidentally. So did Eve. Howard said that he'd like to turn this into a sport. Eve said that she and Howard are kindred spirits and they both think the same thing. She told him that she'd fuck him ''10 ways to Sunday'' and always found him attractive. Gary said he heard a girl do it when they were having sex and he thought it was disgusting.
Howard asked the girls how they wanted to work this whole thing. The girls were going to do it in their underwear. Abby said that she can do this in any position. Howard told her how he thinks she should do it. They were supposed to have Uncle Luke in to judge the event but he didn't show up.
Howard had the girls get started. He was going to have them try to give their longest queefs. First up was Abby with a 6 second queef. Eve was up next. She took her bra off and teased her nips a little bit to get them firm. She then got into her panties and blasted one out. That was supposed to be her queef but they didn't time it. She then prepared for another one and blasted it out slowly. She got 7 seconds which barely beat Abby's 6 seconds.
Gary said that they were going to have this meter measure the loudness of the queef but it wasn't working. Scott the Engineer came in and said it was working fine. Gary didn't see how it worked and had to ask him to come help him out.
Gary made some noise but the meter wasn't working. Scott said that the meter wasn't really working out the way it was supposed to. Howard wanted to do this so they had an official level. Howard went to Abby and had her blast out her loudest. She blasted one out real quick and Gary said it hit about 15 db. Eve then got up and blasted out a quick one that was lower than 15 db. Mike said that it was probably 5 lower than Abby's.
Howard had the girls move on to the next category which was the most queefs in 30 seconds. Eve said that her speciality isn't queefing a lot like that so she had some excuses for that. Then we heard Abby blast out 53 queefs. Artie and Gary counted 62 each but Mike Gange was the official counter and got 53.
Eve said that she sucks in more air so she'll be slower. She started off and was going slower than Abby did. She blasted out a bunch but only hit 25 queefs in 30 seconds.
Howard told Eve she gave it her best. Eve said that she wanted to give them her best queef ever before she left. She then blasted out a really long and juicy queef. Howard told her that unfortunately she had lost to Abby and Abby will be moving on to the big queef off with Debbie. She won $500 from BeeCeuticals. Gary said that this is the point where Eve is going to beg for money. She said that she spent $300 to get down there. Gary said he didn't have anymore money to give away. Howard said he could give her $500 of his own money. She started to cry but then Fred played some piano music and she stopped crying.
Howard thanked the girls for coming in and said he hates to see a champion broke like that. Eve congratulated Abby on her win and thanked Howard for the money. Howard went to break after that.
Howard talked to Dan about his score of 2200 on the chess site they play on. Howard said he'd be happy if he had an 1800. Dan said that there's a guy who beat him that's up at 2300. Howard asked him about his 2200 and what kind of defense he uses in the game. Dan said that he uses a Sicilian defense. Howard said that he plays French because they surrender easily.
Howard told the guys about some of the stuff he talks to Dan about and how he comes across as really smart. Howard also talked to Adam about his chess playing and then suggested to Artie that he should play. Artie said that he's thought about it but he just hasn't gotten into it. He said his friends have told him he'd be good at golf too but he hasn't tried that either.
Howard asked the guys if they've ever tried to hustle people before. Dan said that he tried to do that in Washington Square Park one time but it didn't work because the other guy was a hustler too.
Howard said that Dan has a web site at DanHeisman.com. He thanked the guys for coming in and said it was kind of weird to see Dan in person because he just talks to him on the phone most of the time. He said he has met Dan in person before though. He said that Beth was the one who got him hooked up with Dan as a gift. He wrapped up with those guys and moved on a short time later.
Howard said there were more calls made to OJ after that. He said they started coming fast and furious. He wasn't able to find the clips on his computer so Gary had to point him in the right direction. He played one clip where callers would make reference to Kidd Chris and then ask OJ about slicing necks and stuff like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked Howard for the past 20 years of entertainment. He asked if they're going to do anymore thinking about the collapse of the towers on 9/11. He thinks that the buildings were brought down by controlled demolition. Howard yelled at the guy to stop wasting his time and said he wasn't going to discuss that. He said that he hates to burst his bubble but Kennedy was shot with one gun and there's no life on other planets. He said that he hears these conspiracy nuts all the time and the world really isn't that interesting.
Howard said that the caller seems to think that they had to bring those buildings down because the planes weren't enough to bring them down and it was all a government conspiracy. He also talked about all of the imbeciles that the aliens decide to talk to on this planet. People like Riley Martin. He threw in some Riley clips during that and said that the guy on the phone was out of line.
Howard said that he doesn't know a lot but he does know that Kennedy was shot by one gun and there is no life on other planets. Robin said that she'd have to argue with him about that. She doesn't believe that this is a singular accident.
Irish John won the chance to go out with Jackie's wife Nancy and some people wrote in about that. One person said that they saw a picture of him and they thought Halloween had come early. Howard read some feedback about Joey Boots and his kissing Jason Ridge on the show. People were disgusted by it but he's sure that the show will be one of the most watched on Howard TV.
Howard got some feedback about some things he said about Luciano Pavarotti last week. Some fans were pissed about what he said and hoped he's in the same condition some day. There was some feedback about Robin being a cunt on the air because she won't talk about her date with Jim Florentine.
Howard said that maybe he should play the chess prank call that the guys made in honor of his guests today. He went into that a short time later for Dan and Adam. In the clip Sal and Richard call a chess call in show and goof on the hosts by making references to their cocks and stuff like that. Howard said that's why chess gets no respect.
Steve said that Eric the Midget hasn't given up on American Idol and he's been calling Diana Degarmo to get her to go out to lunch. He's been calling at odd hours according to her mother Steve said. Howard said that must be a weird call and he'd give anything to hear those calls. He asked Steve to call her mother and ask her to tape the calls. Steve said that she wouldn't comment about if his calls were making her uncomfortable.
Steve said that the latest Stern related web site is SternPolls.com where they take polls on stuff about the show. He ran through some of the questions that they have over there and then wrapped up his preview.
Jon Hein came in and said they'll be talking about Eve and Abby's Queef Off from earlier this morning. He said they'll also talk about the wedding talk that Howard had first thing this morning. They're also going to talk about the chess discussion Howard had with his chess teacher.
Artie said he thinks that he can make it through those 117 degree days. Jeff said that he was thinking about going with him but he decided not to. Artie asked him why he would take him. Jeff didn't know. Howard said that it's not clear if either one of them would be healthy enough to go over there. He said he was asked informally if he'd go over there to entertain the troops and they've already turned him down. He said that they really have a problem with him.
Howard thanked Jeff for the call and hung up on him. He went on to say that he's not sure if he could take the 117 degree heat over there. He also said he finds it interesting that the government is embarrassed by them so much that they wouldn't want him over there in Iraq.
Howard talked to his two Chess buddies for a couple of minutes. He said he might not be able to get to 2200 in chess but he showed them a picture of his girlfriend to brag about that. Artie said they were going to show what Howard's girlfriend would look like if he owned a chess school. Howard told Benjy to get into a wig.
Howard said that he thinks that Dan is the best chess player in the world. He thinks that he could beat a grand master but Dan thinks that he could only beat 1 out of 100.
Howard had Robin start her news a short time later. Fred started her off with one of Sal's song parodies about her. She started off talking about local football which eventually led back to the guys talking about the Yankees and A Rod and things like that. Gary, Artie and Robin got into that while Howard kept pretty quiet during the sports talk.
Robin mentioned Tiger Woods at one point and Howard said he looks kind of like the black version of Baba Booey. That led to some Baba Booey song parodies being played of course.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what happened to ''Howard Stern the High School Years.'' Howard said he owns all of the scripts and stuff but they were very expensive to produce, at $1 million per episode, so he backed out of it. He said that they could have done it cheaper, about $300,000 per episode, with a computer animated version but he had to pass on that. He said that he saw what the animation was going to look like and it just didn't do it for him. He said that they'd have to send the work out to the Koreans to do the drawing for the expensive stuff and that's why it costs so much.
Howard said the stuff they had was good stuff too. He said that in one episode he jerked off the whole time. Artie saw some of the expensive animation and it looked really good to him. He said it was kind of dark stuff too. Howard said that it's definitely not for kids.
Howard played a song that this porn star Brittany Star sings. She wants to come on the show to perform the song and he's thinking they might have to have her in. He asked the guys who wanted to see her perform it after playing it. Everyone wanted to see her although Artie said he'd rather have food. Howard got a picture of her and showed it to the guys. They seemed to like the way she looked so they'll probably have her in.
Robin went through a few more stories and wrapped up with her news report. Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he had an idea for a guy whose e-mail Howard had read earlier. The caller suggested that Howard have him do a cock-tug-of-war to get on the air. Howard hung up on that guy and took another call from a woman who told him some stuff about the MTV Awards that he didn't seem all that interested in.
Howard said goodbye to his chess buddies after talking to them for a couple more minutes. He gave Adam a plug for his web site SilverKnightsChess.com and then Artie got in a plug for his upcoming gigs and web site. Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show talking about the Chuck Zito show that aired last night on Howard 101. He said that he loves that show and it's one of the best things to come out of the Howard 100 and 101 family. Artie said he's glad it's a good show too. He wouldn't want to have to bad mouth it.
Howard said he heard that Martina Navratilova was waiting for Robin outside of the U.S. Open like a little school girl. He read about that in Page Six according to Artie. Howard asked Robin if there's anything going on between them. Robin claims there's nothing going on there at all. She said that Martina is in a committed relationship and she's not doing anything with her.
Howard said that's not Robin's thing anyway, too bad. He said he'd love to hear her come in and say that she ate out Martina Navratilova though.
Howard thanked all of the listeners who send in all of that stuff. He said one guy sent in a chess set that featured chess pieces based on the characters of the show. He lost the card that came with it and he's so sorry about that. He said that's something that will be in the Howard Stern Museum if that ever happens. He said that's one of the many things that's on his list of things to get to in his career.
Howard had a guy on the phone who had sent in like 5000 Howard 100 stickers. He wasn't sure what he could do with them himself. The guy told him he can stick them on all kinds of stuff. Howard said another guy sent him a fist logo that looked okay so he stuck them on a book he had. Howard thanked the caller for going out of his way like that. The caller said he's got some other things in the work but he never got a note back from Gary about it.
Howard said they get a lot of stuff from people and he feels bad that they don't answer them all. Artie said he's gotten a lot of stuff from fans, some of it being expensive shit. The caller said that he sent in a note about a massage place but never heard back from anyone. He said that they give happy endings there. The guy kept talking as Howard was trying to talk so he bailed out on the call.
Howard said he'd love to have a happy ending thing at a massage parlor. He said that would be really cool to have someone do that for him. Artie said he had that done when he was up in Canada shooting ''Dirty Work.'' He described the scene and how it was close to a bakery where he was getting some great food. He said it was an Asian woman who did it for him. He said he came in about 15 seconds. Howard said that's what's great about them, they know how to finish you off quick.
Howard said he had a good looking masseuse one time and he's pretty sure she wanted to finish him off but he turned her down. He said that she also tried to do stuff to Beth but she didn't get to far with her either.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about the chess rating that Howard mentioned yesterday. Howard claims that he's at a 1500 or so while his teacher is up at a 2200. He said he had gotten as high as 1600 but lost to a 1400 player yesterday.
Howard took a call from a guy who had called in one other time and asked Howard a bunch of chess questions. He said he doesn't believe that Howard is a 1500 based on what he learned the last time he called in. Howard didn't seem to care and said that he really doesn't know a lot of those terms. The caller seemed to be a little upset that he had hung up on him last time he called in but then had his teacher in there for an hour yesterday. Howard hung up on the guy again.
Howard talked about how Beth has become friendly with Tommy Matolla's girlfriend. Beth went out to a party and ended up seeing Tommy come in with Danny Devito. Another woman there asked for a kiss from Danny and she wasn't all that good looking so Danny said ''never mind you, I want to kiss her!'' and pointed at Beth. Howard said that's the kind of stuff that happens to Beth during her day. Howard said that giving Danny a kiss is no big deal.
Artie said that Danny Devito is in a very funny show called ''It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'' on FX. He said that it's way better than a network sitcom.
Howard said he's pissed that Osama bin Laden is still alive and putting out video tapes. He said that it also pisses him off that they say that Osama is living in a cave when they know that he's actually living in nice houses. The impression that the press is giving is that he's living in a cave with needles in his arms. He said that he lives in a modest home and he's not on dialysis. He even appears to be getting better and better as time goes by. This is not a guy who is suffering, he's doing very well and it's a shame.
Howard said that this is a day they need to remember. He said that Tom Chiusano sent him a note about that day and how it's something that he'll remember. He also said that the Daily News printed every name of the people who died on 9/11. He said that it turns into page after page of people. He said that it wasn't just people burning, it was people jumping from the towers and people in the planes that were crashed into the buildings.
Howard said he searched for the one guy he knew, Jay Robert Magazine, who worked with him at summer camp. He said that he was a great guy and even had him on the show one time. He said Jay had a catering business and was catering a thing for Cantor Fitzgerald so he wasn't even supposed to be there every day. Artie said he had no idea that Howard knew someone who had died. Howard said he always looked up to that guy. He made a career out of doing what he did when he was in high school.
Howard said that we have to remember that we're a nation at war but this Iraq thing is misguided. George Bush got us into a strange thing in Iraq when we really needed to be in Afghanistan. He said that it's depleting the troops over there. He talked about Osama and his Al Queda scumbags and how they want this country to follow their Allah. He said they don't respect our beliefs and want to push theirs on us.
Howard said that he didn't want to do a whole show without remembering everyone who died that day. He also said that they have to remember that Osama is still out there and living in a nice home. Gary said that Scott DePace asked if Howard has proof that Osama isn't living in a cave. Howard said that there are experts out there who say that no one had any evidence that he was living in a cave, it was all propaganda. He's got people protecting him and he moves from home to home in villages with people he has protecting him. Howard said that the cave thing got started when we started looking for him over in Afghanistan. He said that Osama is so well liked and loved over where he's hiding out that he can move between homes.
Howard said that Scott believes anything that the President tells him because he thinks that he has no reason to lie to him. Scott came in and said that Howard has no proof of that. Howard said he doesn't have it, the intelligence agencies have it. He goofed on Scott about his constant video game playing. Scott was all happy that Halo 3 was coming out soon. He'll be online playing that in the near future.
Fred played the Showbiz Pizza theme since Scott used to work there when he was a kid. Howard said that he was just arguing with a pizza boy. He asked Fred to play that song again. The song says ''come for the pizza, stay for the fun'' so Artie figured it must have been really great pizza.
Robin said that Dominos has a new pizza out that has Oreo cookies on pizza dough. Artie said that on the season finale of Rescue Me, he and his cousin, on the show, are banging this black chick who makes chocolate pizza with marshmallows on it. He said he found out that they make that kind of stuff down in the south. Howard saw a picture of the pizza and said that this country is doomed. He said that it was fried bread with Oreos on it.
Howard said that nothing amazes him more in this culture than Pizza Hut and their shitty pizza. He said that he doesn't know why but their pizza is the worst out there. People still buy it even though they could go to an Italian restaurant and get real pizza.
Howard got back to the 9/11 discussion and said that it's very depressing when people think of it as a natural disaster. He said he hopes that they'll get back to business and find Osama and his henchmen. He said he doesn't think that the guy will ever be caught because we're so off focus now and our military is so diluted that they'll never be able to do it. He said he did have to say a few words today, he couldn't let it go by without saying something.
Howard said he had dinner with a guy the other night who ran Cantor Fitzgerald and he lost his brother in that attack. Howard said that it would have been nice to have been able to drag Osama to the hanging noose instead of Saddam Hussein.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Bush is saying that he doesn't even think about Osama anymore. He also said that Bush and Cheney are war criminals and they won't get out of Iraq until the oil contracts are secured. He said that the whole administration is disgusting and they need to get the impeachment process going.
Howard said it was time to get back to the show but Artie asked how old Osama is. He said you hear he's sick and stuff and you don't want to hear that he's dead before we catch him. Fred found out that he's 50 years old.
The caller said that he gave himself some baby cuts and then slashed deeper. He said that it was kind of shocking when he saw the blood coming out. He joked that he had tried to kill himself because of the amount of vacation Howard takes. Howard said that's not worth killing yourself over.
The caller said that the guys in the studio must have contemplated suicide and he wanted to know what song they would kill themselves to. Artie said it would be to ''Wake Me Up Before You Go Go'' and Howard said that it was an Eric Clapton song.
Howard told the caller to hang in there and not kill himself. He then said that he'd probably kill himself to the Showbiz Pizza theme.
Artie said that he talked to Sam Simon last night and Sam told him to tell Ralph that he doesn't have a problem with him and it's okay if he wants to stay at his house. Howard asked if Sam could do that off the air. He said that he doesn't need to send personal messages through Artie.
Howard went on to talk about this Dannielynn kid and how Entertainment Tonight is all over the kid's first birthday. He figured that they must have a deal with that Larry Birkhead guy. Robin said she was watching some coverage and they were talking about the huge cake they had for her and how it may have been too big to even fit into the house.
Howard said that Anna Nicole was famous for not doing anything and now her kid is being whored out on TV like she's in a zoo. He played some clips from the Entertainment Tonight promo they ran for their upcoming coverage. They call Dannielynn Anna's ''legacy'' and promo it like it's something really special. Howard said that if the guy wants to protect the kid he should get her out of the public eye now. He said that maybe this is how the guy makes money, he's not sure though.
Artie said that guy Birkhead seemed like he might be a low key, normal guy but now he comes across as sleazy. Robin said that's apparently what he does now, he sells stories to different tabloids. Howard played another clip where Pat O'Brien and another woman are talking about Dannielynn and what a little angel she is. They're talking about all of this stuff they have for this one year old kid. Howard asked ''What the hell is going on?'' He said that a guy like Mark Steiness must wake up in the morning and wonder what the hell he's doing.
Artie said that this is a sign of the end of civilization. He said that this guy Birkhead obviously wants to be famous and he has these shows in his house constantly. Howard played some more clips of the coverage and they talk about how they show Dannielynn video of her mother. Howard said that's really creepy.
Howard and the guys talked about what a mess Anna was and how showing the kid those tapes just isn't right. He said she was probably inebriated, at the least, in those tapes. Artie said that this is fucking insanity to cover this first birthday like it's a royal wedding or something.
Howard said he had to play this stuff to point out that it's not normal. He said that The Insider should dig up Anna and reunite her with her baby. Robin said that they have a lot of tape they can show that baby. There's tape of her all fat and rubbing up against guys in that reality show of hers.
Howard said that Eric is a big boy and he made his own bed. He said that he called the show many times and put himself out there for people to see. He said that's the way things work. He said that if he doesn't want harassment, he should stay off the message boards and change his phone number. He said that it's not right to harass someone but if he wants out of the limelight, he should take himself out of it.
Howard said that he'll have to check to make sure it's okay to play the message on the air. Johnny said that Eric gave permission to play the message. Howard said he wanted to call him to make sure anyway. They talked about that for a short time and Howard said that he still wants to be sure it's okay with Eric. Sal came in a short time later and said that he spoke to Eric who gave him permission.
Howard played the voice mail and said that he's going to count this as an appearance even though he didn't call the show directly. He went to play the clip but it wasn't on his computer. Gary told him where it was so he went right into it. In the message Eric says he has a message to deliver to Stern. He said that June 27th was the last day he wanted any involvement with the show. He said he doesn't want people from the show calling him. Howard said that he's not calling him at all. Gary told him that he's probably upset about the story that Steve Langford did about Eric calling Diana DeGarmo.
Howard played more of the message where Eric told Howard to stay out of his life ''you big nosed asswipe.'' Eric then goes on to say that he's trying to hang out with Diana DeGarmo and her mother because they were nice. He said that if Howard fucks up anything personal or business wise, they're going to have a problem. Johnny said that Eric is upset about the reports that Steve is doing about those calls to the DeGarmos.
Howard played more of Eric's voice mail where he threatens to get a restraining order against Howard and his people. Howard said that he's not the one calling Eric, it's Steve. Eric claimed that he was going to get a restraining order that would stop him from even mentioning him on the air. Howard said he'd love to see that happen. He also said that maybe he'll play this message for the police himself since Eric is the one who is making the threats.
Eric said that there might be a fat assed lawsuit if this keeps up. Howard wasn't sure what he could sue over so he asked Johnny what he could sue over. Johnny wasn't sure, maybe punitive damages? Eric said that he's contacted about 50 lawyers online to start that process. He said that he wants to be left alone for the rest of his life. He said he doesn't care about Howard and Howard doesn't care about him. Howard said that he does care about Eric and he's his little angel. Johnny laughed when he heard that. Howard said he hasn't bothered Eric at all. He figured that Eric was really asking him to bother him.
Eric told Beth O to listen up and not marry Howard. Howard said that he's now been warned but he's not sure what he's been warned about. He said that they'll have to talk to Steve later to find out what he's been saying about Eric. Johnny said he thinks that Eric flipped out on him when he called the DeGarmos. Howard said that Eric is like Osama bin Laden because he's leaving messages on 9/11 of all days. He said he may have to get a restraining order against him before he gets one against him. He told Johnny to tell Eric that he loves him.
Johnny said that he's told Eric that he's missing out on life by not participating in the show. Howard thanked him for that and let him go.
A phone caller told Howard that Eric is going to make people turn off their radios if he keeps calling in. His phone wasn't working very well so Howard had to let him go. He said that cell phone technology hasn't really been perfected. That led to some discussion about cell phones and how some people don't have hard wired phones anymore.
Howard read some other e-mail and said that there was a guy in Thailand who listens to the show. He read one about the Jon Hein vs. Sal show on Howard TV and how brilliant that is. There was also one about Artie and how he could lose his weight and get back down to 195 or so. Artie said that he should be able to do that but he's just lazy.
Lisa said she ran into Kanye West yesterday and he told her that MTV really cares about music and the artists because they gave them a whole 30 seconds to play. He was being sarcastic of course. Howard said he agrees with him on that. Lisa said that she has some news about the party suites there at MTV and how they were pre-recorded days earlier to make it look live. Howard said it looked that way. Howard said he's in negotiations with 50 lawyers to sue MTV over that.
Lisa told Howard that High Pitch Eric got fired after 3 weeks of work. He took an hour to paint a door so he had to be fired. His boss told her that he would have fired him earlier but he knew he needed the money for his apartment. That led to Artie doing an impression of Eric and goofing on him for a short time.
Artie asked what Eric is going to do and said he can't imagine what he could possibly do to make money. Howard said that his father is going to have to come through for him and help him out with his rent.
Lisa said that they have a new Page 69 story about Richard Christy's Halloween obsession. He rests his head while listening to scary sounds to go to sleep. Will came in with the CD that Richard listens to when he goes to bed. It's a CD of creepy graveyard sound effects. Howard said that Richard is going on a tour of a bunch of haunted houses next month, that's the kind of weird stuff he's up to. Artie said that this is the kind of stuff murderers do. Howard said he's got a lot of weirdos working for him.
Robin said that they have enough people on the staff that they could have some real messes there. Richard came in and said that he has some cool dreams and stuff when he listens to that CD. He said his girlfriend loves it. Howard had to interrupt because he had Johnny Fratto and Eric the Midget on the line.
Eric was claiming that this wasn't a call to the show, it was Johnny who called the show. Howard told Eric that he is on the show though, they win. Howard said that they told him he'd be back, and he is back. Eric said that this is his one and only call so this isn't his return to the show.
Eric told ''big nose'' to stop. He said that he's not going to be known as a ''racist, gay Nazi'' like some people think he is. Howard thought that was kind of funny and wondered what that was about. Eric said that he made a mistake and called Shuli a big nosed Jew in a text message. He said that's really not the way he is. He said that he was never like that before he started doing the show.
Howard told Eric that he has nothing to do with his meeting Mrs. DeGarmo and her daughter. He said that if he wanted, he could probably have set him up with that meeting no problem. He said that he could have told her that he was a very big fan and set it up. Eric said that she told him to keep calling back until he gets a good opportunity to talk to her for a while. Gary said that he heard that she's a very sweet woman and doesn't want to offend her daughter's fans, that's why she lets him keep calling.
Eric said that he's been doing some writing since he left Howard's show. He said he wants to talk to Diana about that and that's why he keeps calling her. Robin said that he doesn't have to meet her to talk about that stuff though. Eric said that he's going to be out in that area for a family wedding so he wants to visit.
Howard asked Eric what he'd think if the fans started calling his parents asking them if they could meet him. He said that maybe High Pitch Eric might call them and ask to meet with him. Eric said that they'd probably hang up on them if they did that. Howard said that's what Diana's mother probably wants to do. He said that no one thinks that Eric is a bad person, and they don't paint him to be that way. Eric seems to think that's what they're doing to him.
Steve Langford came in and told Howard that he was just doing his job and he didn't make up anything about Eric in his story. Eric said that he has a friend who called Diana's mother and found out that Steve had lied about the way the phone calls all happened. Steve said he had a nice conversation with Mrs. Diana DeGarmo and she said that she didn't want to answer a question when he asked her if she was uncomfortable with his constant calls.
Howard told Eric it sounds like she doesn't want to get into it with Eric and it would seem that she's feeling bothered by his calls. Eric said that he may have called 10 times or so and he wanted to meet with them on the 23rd so he needed an answer. They weren't returning his calls so Howard told him that if that's the case, they must not want to talk to him.
Steve said that Mrs. DeGarmo said that she doesn't believe that Diana has time for a meeting because she's very busy. Howard said that he's not trying to hurt him, he's a great kid, but he's not picking up the signals that they're sending to him. Howard said that they're not trying to be mean, they're just trying to let him know the truth.
Johnny said that the only time Eric feels normal is when he's not on the show. Howard said he's not forcing him to be on the show and he can't blame them for messing up this meeting if it wasn't going to happen in the first place. He said he knows Eric must be frustrated but he can't blame them for messing up that meeting. He told Eric that it's not their fault. Johnny agreed with Howard and said that it's really not Howard's fault.
Howard told Eric he has to lighten up about that stuff. Artie had cracked a joke about American Idol being gay so Howard explained to him that it's not going to matter if a fan thinks that Eric is gay. It makes no difference at all. No one cares that much. Howard said that when you call a radio show and put yourself out there, you have some fun but there's always going to be negative stuff. He said that's part of the whole thing of being famous.
Howard said he respects Eric if he doesn't want to call the show. Eric said he wished that he had called other shows. Howard said that no one else would put up with him. Eric said that he's been trying to call into Hef's girlfriend's show on the Playboy channel. Howard said that he's going to try and make that happen so he can be a regular caller there. He figures that Eric will see that he's not going to get any attention from them over there.
Steve asked Eric if he has romantic feelings toward Diana. Eric paused and said ''...yes.'' Steve also asked Eric if he's thinking about contacting Gloria Alred about a restraining order. Johnny said that he was trying to explain to Eric that Diana was way out of his league and maybe he should be looking for someone else. Howard said that she's probably looking for someone who isn't going to call her house 10 times a day. Eric said that it's no more than twice a day, not 10 times.
Johnny said that there are girls out there, listening to the Stern show, who would be willing to do stuff with him. Artie told Eric he needs a girl who is overweight and struck by lightning. Eric said he actually had a girl contact him on Myspace and asked him if he had a girlfriend yet. Howard took a call from Diana (Richard) who said that they've put up a 2 foot fence around their house to keep Eric away. He had some other comments like that and his woman voice was just his own voice. Eric knew it was Richard and told him that his impressions suck.
Howard said that he knew Eric would be back and this was going to be considered a call to the show even though Johnny was the one who made the call. Howard asked Eric if he's going to stop calling Diana DeGarmo now. Eric said he's going to leave it up to his friend who knows Diana. Johnny said that Eric has all of his fame through the Stern show and that's where his one stop is.
Howard thanked Eric for the call and said he has no hard feelings. Eric told Howard he won't be hearing back from him. Eric said that won't happen. Howard said ''Bye for now.'' Eric gave him a simple ''Bye'' after that. Howard thanked Steve for coming in and let him go.
Howard said he really does like little Eric. Robin asked if he could imagine getting two calls at home from him. They spent a minute on that. Howard said he knew that Eric would call in, and he was right. Robin figures he'll call in again. Howard went to break after that.
Howard played another clip where Chuck talked about the great interview that Howard did with Scott Baio. He talked about Scott being the king of pussy and how he got more pussy than tampons have. He and his guys talked about Denise Richards since Scott had given her only a 3. Chuck then claimed that he'd had 2000 women but then said he was kidding. He said that he could actually count on one hand how many women he had been with... That week.
Howard said that Chuck was claiming that if he was with Denise Richards, he could teach her to be a 10. Howard went on to say that if Chuck had been around during the time the movie 300 took place, he would have been king.
Howard played another clip where Chuck was describing another part of the Scott Baio interview where he fingered a chick who was smelly down below. He brought his finger up to her nose and let her smell it herself. Chuck then described a ''simular'' situation that he was in. He said he fingered a chick who was stinky and thought he'd stuck his finger in the wrong hole. He had her blow him and then kicked her out. Artie was cracking up when he heard him telling the story. Howard asked if he told that story on Letterman too.
In another clip Chuck was talking about going out to Vegas and having a good time doing a book signing. He was out at the pool and picked up a chick whose name he didn't even know. He banged her and then went out and found another chick about 2 hours later. He said he had two women within a couple of hours and then went to see Carson Daly doing a show. He had a woman comment on the hat he was wearing and he hooked up with her. It turns out she was ''working'' so he asked her how much she was working for. She said it was $1000 an hour so he told her to get lost. He said she asked him ''What did the battery say to the potato chip? Anytime you're ready, I'm Frito Lay'' So he took her up to his room and banged her. He managed to get laid three times in four hours.
Robin asked if the other guys on the show talked about anything or if it was all Chuck. Howard said he's not sure. Artie said that is an entertaining show. Howard wondered how often that show airs. No one was sure but Howard got a note that said it airs once a month. He won't be on again until October.
On the Wrap Up Show Ralph was saying that Artie doesn't need that money right away so he didn't think that it would be that big of a deal if he didn't get it back to him immediately. He said he will pay him back. Ralph was also goofing on Howard's show during that clip and how they had women on queefing and his pissing out at the event they went to shouldn't have been that big of a deal.
The guys talked about how odd it was that Ralph was shitting all over the show that gives him the life he has. Ralph claims to be embarrassed by the show sometimes and it's kind of odd that he does that when he has the life he does because of that show. Howard wondered why he tells anyone that he works on the show if he's that embarrassed by it.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he thinks that maybe Ralph is having a breakdown. He said that Ralph's father rejected him and now Howard is getting married and it's almost like he's being rejected again. He said that Ralph is alone and now he's having these outbursts all of a sudden. He said that he's supported him all of these years and it's kind of strange and he thinks that they should all be a little bit concerned. Howard said he hung out with Ralph for a while the other day and he was fine though.
Artie said that Ralph hasn't been shut out, they're all still his friends. He said he does expect Ralph to return that money and he'd appreciate it if he just thanked him for loaning him the money and tell him that he's going to return it to him. They spent a little more time on that and then moved on.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who said that Fred and Artie were using the word menusha on the show yesterday and the writer had no idea what it meant and asked them to use regular words on the show. Howard said that word is pretty normal and not all that far out there. He said that maybe the guy should get a thesaurus before he listens to the show.
Howard played more clips of Ralph on the Wrap Up Show. Ralph went off on Artie for not thanking him for picking up a gift for him one time. Howard stopped that clip and played another one where Gary goofed on him about his comment about the band Fall Out Boy. Howard said that he wasn't calling them ''The Fall Out Boy'' he knows that they're ''The Fall Out Boys'' and even thought that maybe they spell the name with a Z. He went off on Gary for goofing on him about that and kicked him out of the studio. (He still had it wrong, the band is Fall Out Boy, not The Fall Out Boys). Fred played some examples of their music and Robin said she likes that band. Howard admitted he doesn't know that much about popular music these days but he wasn't making a mistake like Gary accused him of.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel sent him a note and let him know that the prank call that they play on the show where this guy does a Pavarotti voice is actually his brother Jonathan. Howard said that the guy actually writes for South Park and some other shows. Fred played that call and Howard thought that the other guy in the call was Kevin Nealon. Gary and Fred told him it was actually someone else who they know, Tony Daniels. (An emailer tells me that it was actually from the Jesse and Gene show from Toronto.)
The guys listened to the call and got a few laughs out of it. Howard thought Jonathan sounded very much like Pavarotti. Robin said it sounded nothing like him and told Artie that it was like the difference between Frank Sinatra and Howard's singing to Artie. That led to Howard and Artie singing some Frank Sinatra songs.
Eric has his own place out on Long Island and he is a hard worker so he should be able to find something. He claims that he'll have the rent for the guy but Howard said that he's probably going to end up squatting. Eric said that his rent is $150 a week and he was making $85 a day on the construction job. Howard said that he can imagine this poor guy who rented Eric the room having to try and evict Eric.
Artie said that he heard a great Mammary Lane show where Gange and Grillo wouldn't leave Stuttering John's apartment when he was trying to get them out. Howard said that it's very tough to evict someone. Eric is living in a two family house in the basement. Eric said he gave the guy two weeks in advance so he's good for a couple of weeks.
Eric said that he's looking for jobs and he has Mariann and Irish John looking for him as well. Joey Boots called in and said that Eric isn't being honest, he spoke to him last night and he told him that he didn't make this week's rent. Eric said that wasn't true, he paid on Friday. Joey said that he's lying and he was going to start paying monthly after he wasn't able to pay this week's rent.
Eric and Joey went back and forth with that lying stuff. Then Joey said that Eric is living with a black family and they're not going to put up with that shit. They'll kick his ass right out of there if they don't get their rent. Artie said that Eric is fascinating. He said that they have an amazing group of people on this show.
Eric claims that he's paying his rent and he's staying out of trouble. Howard asked him if it's a black guy he's renting from. Eric said that it's actually a woman. He said that he's not retarded either. He gave out his e-mail address of ErikM1971@aol.com for anyone who wants to give him a job.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Eric is so fat that he probably wiped the paint off each wall in that closet he was painting. Howard said that would be like an episode of the Three Stooges. He wrapped up with Eric a short time later and went to break. He mentioned that Jackie's wife would be in tomorrow for her dial-a-date segment.
Howard said that Red Peters was there. He's the host of the Red Peters Comedy Hour on Howard 101. That airs the first Monday night of every month on Howard 101. Howard played some of Red's classic stuff as Red came in. Howard said ''it wouldn't be 9/11 without Red.'' He went on to talk to Red about his funny songs and how great they are. Red also likes other dirty songs so that's what he plays on his radio show.
Howard said that Red has a new comedy album, The Best Of The Red Peters Music Comedy Hour, out now and he's got a couple of his own songs on there. He asked Fred to play some of Red's songs so they could remind everyone about them. Fred played one of the songs and then Howard asked him how old he is. The song was ''I Can't Say These Things'' with a special intro.
Howard told Red that was a brilliant song and asked him when he wrote it. Red said he was still married at the time and his partner came in and played it for him. He said he knew he had to perform it after that. Artie said that he saw Red doing that song at the film festival and he had all of the lyrics written on his sleeve so he could read them while performing it live.
Howard said that Red has this new album out and asked him how hard it is to get them into the stores. Red said that even though they white washed the song names on the cover, there are still a lot of stores that refuse to carry it. There aren't a lot of stores out there now but there are a few that do carry it.
Howard played some more of Red's stuff to give everyone a sample of his dirty songs. Red said they put a lot of work into those songs and the production takes a while. Howard had Red give some history on one of the songs he was going to play. Red said he had a song submitted to his show one time and didn't know where it came from. A couple of months later he was contacted by the original guy and he has a disdain for organized religion. Howard played the song, The Hand Of The Almighty, by John R. Butler.
He said that one of his favorites is ''There's a Critter Up My Shitter.'' Red said this guy writes songs about animals being put up people's butts and he's running out of animals now. Howard said that one of the songs he likes is ''I've Gotta Take A Shit.'' He played that one real quick and then played ''Two in the Pink (and one in the stink).'' Red was giving a little history on each song that Howard played. Howard played some of ''$25 Blow Job'' and said he'd love to talk to the chick who inspired that song.
Artie got a $25 blow job one time so he told Howard about that real quick. He said that song brought back fond memories. He said he was at a bachelor party and the chick put the money in her shoe and blew him. He said that she had a stack of $20s in her shoe.
Howard thanked Red for coming in and wrapped up with him and gave him a plug for his web site RedPeters.com and his Myspace page at Myspace.com/RedPeters. He asked Red if he's getting laid a lot. Red claimed he was getting about 12 girls a day so multiply that times 7 and you know how much he's getting it.
Red mentioned that the Larry Pierce song ''Will you Swallow My Cum'' was on the CD so Howard played some of that. Red said that there was never a venue to play these songs until Howard brought him to SIRIUS. Red said that the album is also available on Amazon and on iTunes so you can download single songs if you want.
Howard took some phone calls for Red after that. One guy mentioned Red's song ''A Dog Named Stains'' which everyone calls ''Come Stains'' since those are the lyrics. Howard said that was one of his favorites too so he played some of that.
Red said he really wanted to put out some ring tones but he was turned down by every carrier. He said the guy told him that they couldn't put any of his songs out even the ones with no cursing on them. Howard said that those songs that don't have any cursing in them became taboo even on regular radio now. Red said he was snuck an internal memo about the stuff that can't be said on phones and that's the kind of stuff that he can't get played out there. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard said that you can't use the word ''ass'' when you do ring tones. He read the note that Red had gotten about the words that can't be used. You can't say ''come'' in the ring tones. Artie said that a lot of people try to make money with their catch phrases. That's all Red is trying to do and he can't make it happen because of the dirty songs he sings.
Howard had Richard's latest creation. He did his character Nervous Mark to make a prank call to a call in show. Richard had Nervous Mark's brother on the line with him too. He called a self-help guy and tried to get out his thoughts but kept saying ''uhhhh'' over and over as he was trying to get them out. He told the guy that he's met some people on a nervous message board and put them on the line. He had clips of John the Stutterer making all kinds of noises and stuff trying to talk to this self-help guy. The guy hung in there but said he really couldn't help if they couldn't talk.
Howard goofed on Jerry a little bit talking about how cute he was as a little kid and how bad he looks now. He said he should come up with a game based on that idea. He said he has to be careful about talking about that stuff because Mark Cronin likes to take his ideas and run with them. He said that they're doing a show called ''America's Smartest Model'' which is like a show they pitched to E! years ago.
Howard said that he was a cute kid himself but he turned into this hideous mess that he is now. He has every right to be angry. He said that his ''Cute or Not Cute'' show idea will probably be stolen now. He figures that Cronin will pick up on it and run with the idea now. Artie said that there are some kids that you'd expect to be cute, like the Olsen Twins, who didn't turn out that hot. He said that Alyssa Milano was one that you knew was going to be hot though.
Howard said the show that really burned him was ''Street Smarts'' which was a directed rip off. Those guys even called him to ask him to do it. He didn't want to do it so the guys just ran with the idea anyway. He said that when you're good at creating stuff, you're always going to get ripped off though.
Howard said he knows that Mark is going to write him now and ask if they're still friends. He told Mark not to worry about it, they're still friends. Artie said that the whole Street Smarts thing came full circle because someone was on the show one time when they were playing a game and said that it was just like Street Smarts, even though they had been doing it for many years before Street Smarts ever came out.
Howard said that Beth was asked to host this new Cronin show and she thought it was a great idea. It's basically like the hot chick game they've played on the show for years.
Steve said that they have more about Riley Martin and his problem with a restraining order. His wife claims that he's under a lot of stress knowing what he knows. Steve said that Katie Spades was arrested along with her husband up in the Boston area. They found that they were charging them for whipping and spanking in their apartment. Howard said he didn't think there was anything wrong with that as long as they weren't having sex.
Howard thanked Steve for that and had Jon give his show rundown. Jon said that they'll talk about Eric's call to the show and everything that went on with him this morning. They'll also talk about what Howard was saying about Osama bin Laden and his 9/11 discussion earlier this morning. They'll talk about Chuck Zito's show, Red Peters and more of what happened on the show today.
Scott DePace came in to defend himself after Howard goofed on him a little bit. Artie goofed on his shirt as he was leaving and said that he loves to get him all pissed off about his shirts.
Double A called in and said he needed a few minutes of Howard's time. He wanted to state his case and said that he wanted to come in. Howard said that he wanted him to get to his point. Double A said that he can't believe that Howard is promising to get stuff for Eric when he's done nothing but bad mouth him. Howard said that's what's funny about the whole thing, Eric is at war with him.
Double A said that he's done a lot of stuff for the show and he doesn't get the kind of respect that Eric does. Double A said that he thought Howard was going to get back to him about doing a show there. Howard told him there is no show for him. Double A said that he has done just as good a job as the guys who have jobs there now. Howard said that there were some elements of Double A's show that he liked but he doesn't want him to have a show now. He said he liked the cute interview he did with Beth but that relied on the fact that Beth was there. other than that things didn't work out so well.
Double A said that everyone else gets a shot but he doesn't. Howard said that they gave him a shot and maybe some day they'll give him another shot. He said that maybe he could replace Imus on WFAN. Double A took that as a dig at him possibly turning his back on the show. Howard wasn't going for that though. Double A said he just wanted to be part of this whole thing.
Howard mentioned that Double A dropped his name at Nobu and that wasn't right. Double A said that he was ''Double A from the Howard Stern Show'' and they took that as meaning he worked for the show. Double A said that everyone knows him from the show so that's why he said it. Howard told him he had to get out of this conversation and hung up on him.
Howard said he was going to tell Chuck Zito that they were going to cancel his show to give Double A a show. He said they'll let Double A tell Chuck the good news himself because no one else would have the balls to tell Chuck something like that. Howard said he doesn't know what people want from him. Maybe some day he'll have a show, maybe not.
Howard told Gary to set Double A up with another hour long shot at a show. He said that Double A has to come in there and take it in the ass from Artie if the show sucks. He had Robin get to her news after that.
Robin read through a bunch of stories about various things. Isaac Mark from Howard TV was back from his honeymoon this morning so Howard had him come in to get the letter and check that Artie was going to give him. Artie said that it was up to him if he wanted to read it on the air or tell them how much he gave. Artie gave him the envelope and said he was sorry he missed the wedding. Artie told Isaac that he didn't have to tell them how much it was for. He said that it was his money and he didn't have to talk about it on the air.
Isaac said that he didn't feel comfortable saying how much it was. Howard told him to blurt it out. Isaac said it was a significant amount but it wasn't going to change his life. Isaac thanked Artie very much. He said it was more than Howard gave him though. He said that he more than doubled what Howard gave him. Howard said that it must be in the 3 grand area. Isaac said that's about where it was. He said that it would be rude to say how much it was. Howard kept asking until Isaac broke down. He kept saying that it was around 3 grand but wouldn't say the exact amount.
Sal said that Doug zoomed in on the check and saw it. Gary said that it was actually $2,500. It wasn't quite three grand. Artie said that he was just going to give him $1,000 if he had come to the wedding. It was better for Isaac that he didn't go because he got more than double what he was going to get. Howard told Isaac that it was wrong to tell them what he got.
Howard asked Isaac how many times he got laid on his honeymoon. Isaac said that he finished 3 times with his wife and beat off some other times without her. Gary said that they should have had more sex on their honeymoon because the next thing he knows, he's not going to have time to do it and they'll be having a kid.
Howard said he heard that Isaac was trying to get his chick pregnant before the wedding but Isaac said that wasn't true. Howard said that it was kind of odd that he didn't invite Gary to his wedding. Isaac said that he's just not buddy buddy with Gary. He also said that the wedding wasn't all that big and he couldn't invite everyone.
Howard asked Isaac why he beat off on his honeymoon. He had an explanation about going to another wedding this weekend and not having time to do it. He said that he just thought about black space when he was beating off but no one believed that.
Howard checked out Isaac's wife on the monitors in the studio and said that she's really hot. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about Isaac. They eventually got back to the news. They were on the subject of Britney Spears before Isaac showed up so Gary had printed out a picture of her vagina to show to Howard. Gary said she's got a strange shape or bump to her vagina and thought it was one of the ugliest he's ever seen.
Howard mentioned that Howard TV is showing their 9/11/01 and 9/12 shows this week if you want to hear and/or see what Howard and Robin were up to that morning.
Robin read through some more news stories and wrapped up her news. Artie threw in a plug and Howard ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show taking a phone call from a guy who said he bought 50 Cent's new album yesterday and Kanye West's new album as well. He compared the two and said that he thinks that the two are good but 50 might have better lyrical content. Howard said that he's a fan of 50 too. Robin pointed out that's probably because he does the show.
The caller also said that he went to Best Buy yesterday and they didn't have any SIRIUS radios, only XM. Howard said that's because no one wants XM. The guys talked about the upcoming merger and how well that would work out for the fans if it does actually go through. Howard said that this is the longest any merger has ever been discussed before. He said there's no monopoly there if they do merge, they're competing against a lot of other entertainment. The caller told Howard that he'll go wherever Howard goes. Howard said that the reason SIRIUS is doing so well is because of his fans.
Howard said that Elephant Boy is a big fan of 50 Cent. He played a clip of him singing one of 50's songs. He took another phone call after that. The caller asked Howard about going over to Iraq to entertain the troops. Howard said he was turned down before he even got an offer to go over there. They don't want him anywhere near the troops. He said he's not sure how he'd entertain the troops anyway. He's not a stand-up comedian.
Artie said he's supposed to hear back about his possible trip to Iraq next week. He said that he might get turned down because he's on the show too. Howard ended up talking about this General Petraeus and the stuff he's been saying about the war in Iraq.
Eric said that he doesn't have a problem with Howard anymore. He said his problem is now with Langford. Howard told Eric that when he calls into a radio show, he's calling into a show that isn't all that pleasant. Howard said they're not that pleasant with anyone. He said the phone callers all mix it up and they all give it to each other.
Howard mentioned that he listened to Bubba's show yesterday and they had a caller yelling at Bubba about losing respect for him. Sal came in and said that he was listening to it too and it was very entertaining radio.
Howard got back to Eric and told him that this is the nature of the show. He told Eric that maybe it is best for him to go back into obscurity if he doesn't like the attention. He told him that it might die down but that's up to Eric. He thinks that Eric likes the attention and makes him feel alive. Eric said he doesn't like it and he wasn't able to go to sleep after breaking his vow of not going on the show. He said he got upset about the whole day and he couldn't sleep because of it.
Howard told Eric that if he's going to be calling Diana DeGarmo and her mother, that's going to make it to the news and they're going to report on it. He tried to explain to Eric that if people were calling and bothering his family like he's bothering the DeGarmos, he'd be complaining about it. He told Eric that Mrs. DeGarmo doesn't know what Eric is like and she's just playing along with him to keep things nice.
Howard said that all of Eric's buddies are telling on him too. Eric said that he had told his mother to leave him alone in the whole thing because he and his friend were taking care of the details. Howard heard some of that story and told him it was a lot of nonsense. He didn't want to hear the whole story.
Howard told Eric that he has to give up on this American Idol thing. He's humiliating himself by trying to hook up with these people. He wondered who this Susan person is that's hooking him up with the DeGarmos. It turns out this Susan is a fan of Howard's show and she was doing Eric a favor. Howard told Eric that he's got to be able to handle the good stuff with the bad stuff. He said that Diana doesn't know Eric that well and she's just being kind to him at this point.
Robin asked Eric if he thinks that Diana even remembers him. Artie told Eric he was being boring this morning and told him to get it over with. Eric was trying to tell a story but Howard cut him off. Howard told him that he doesn't know her, he met her once and she was nice to him. She's a nice kid.
Eric told Howard that he wrote about the things that made him upset with him in the email he sent. He was upset about the way he treated Chris Benoit and his wife and son after they were killed. Howard said that he didn't understand what he was doing that day and he thinks that he needs an interpreter to tell him how to listen to the show. He said he can't be trusted to listen to the show alone.
Howard told Eric he thought he was pretty normal but when he does this stuff like calling Diana DeGarmo, he thinks he's crazy. He said he knows that Eric is lonely but Diana is going to run for the hills when she sees him. He said it's not healthy for him to do this stuff. He said that it's good that the news department dug this up and brought it to light. If they hadn't, Eric would still be calling the DeGarmos. He hasn't heard from her since this all went down. Robin told him that should tell him something.
Howard said that he's just telling Eric that this is the way things are. He's trying to help him. He took a call from a guy who said that he used to be a psychiatrist who specialized in short people. He asked Eric if he's been having a good time so Howard figured he was just goofing on the guy.
Another caller said he was glad to have Eric back on the show. He said he was hoping that he'd get his little, mini restraining order that he was looking for. Howard said that if Eric wasn't in a wheelchair, he'd have a restraining order filed against him by some of these people he calls.
Howard told Eric that he ran into Katherine McPhee recently. He was out with Beth at this charity fund raiser and he saw this chick staring at him. He said he didn't know who she was but she looked familiar to him. He said she didn't look the same to him that night. Then he saw some pictures of the event and saw that it was Katherine McPhee. He said he never talked to her though.
Gary told Howard he had the Bubba call that he mentioned earlier. Howard said he'd get to that after he wraps up with Eric. Howard took another call and had a guy who claimed that he'd been with Katherine McPhee and Eric could smell his finger if he wanted. Howard took another call from a guy who told him to wrap his PJ pants around his neck and kill himself. Eric told him to go to hell in his own special way.
Another caller told Eric to keep calling the DeGarmo family and not listen to Howard. He thinks that he should call them like 7 times a day. He told Eric that she's just playing hard to get and he just needs to work a little harder at it. The guy told him to write her some love letters too. Howard asked Eric what he thinks about that. Eric was having second thoughts and seemed to think that he might do something like that.
Gary came in and told Howard that Howard 100 News came across the letter that Eric was circulating to all of these lawyers trying to get someone to represent him. He gave Howard a copy and said he had started to highlight the good parts and ended up highlighting just about the whole thing.
Howard read some of Eric's letter and found that he mentioned that there are a lot of Jews who are lawyers. They spent a minute on that but Howard said he'd already spent a half hour on this subject. The caller told Eric that he should send Diana a tape of himself. He said that she's just playing hard to get and he shouldn't listen to Howard. Howard laughed whenever the guy would give Eric advice.
Richard Christy called in as Diana and told Eric that he reminds her of the Chucky doll. He said that they're moving to a second floor apartment to get away from Eric. Eric said that if it was Diana, he would have known that his parents were divorced. Eric said he knew it was Richard. Richard swore that he was Diana DeGarmo and he didn't know who Richard was. Eric said he could detect the Kansas accent. He said that they sound different than Alabama and Georgia people.
Howard had Richard, I mean Diana, banging the phone against her breasts and rubbing the phone on her private parts. He then asked Richard to sing a song for Eric. She started to sing some Beatles songs and told Eric that it was really Diana. Eric just gave him a ''no...''
Howard went to the phones again and a guy asked Eric if he jerks off to Diana. Eric said he wasn't going to answer that. Howard said that meant it was a yes and asked him what he thinks about when he does that. Eric said he wasn't going to talk about it with him. Artie asked Eric if he fantasizes about Diana knowing that he actually exists on this planet. Eric shot back with a joke about Artie being fat that Artie didn't really get.
Howard let a few more callers through and one guy said that he wants Eric to call in a couple of times a day, he could listen to that all day long. The caller asked Eric if he's going to go to Georgia and hang out in front of her house waiting for her to come home. Eric said he doesn't know exactly where she lives, just the town.
Howard asked Eric if he's going to calm down with this stuff and leave that family alone. Eric said he'll see what happens. He said he does have some celebrity status on the show and he was just trying to hang out with another celebrity.
Another caller said that he thinks that all of the fans should write letters to Diana and ask her to go on a date with Eric. Howard asked Eric what he thinks about that idea. Eric said it could work. Howard told the fans that if they want to write, go ahead. Robin told them not to do it. Eric said that would probably be harassing her more so maybe they shouldn't do it.
Howard thanked Eric for calling in and told him that there are some fans who like it when he calls in (like me). Howard took a call from Wood Yee who told Howard to get Eric off the phone. It was just tapes of Wood Yee but Eric thought he was live and that he couldn't call in because he works for K-Rock. They had him telling Eric to go fuck himself and stuff like that. Eric told him to go find his girlfriend Steve Langford and to leave him alone.
Eric said that he still has interest in that Brandy porn chick but he hasn't heard from her in about a month. Howard told him that he put the kill on that himself. Eric said he's also interested in Hef's girlfriend's sister. Howard asked him if he tried calling her mother yet. Eric said that he was hoping to call into Bridget's show on Friday. Howard said Gary is working on getting him on that show.
Wood Yee was still on the phone throwing out comments at Eric. Howard hung up on him and took another call from a guy who said that he'd go stalk that woman for Eric if he wanted him to. Howard said they don't need him to do that, they're trying to teach Eric not to bother people.
Robin asked Eric if he notices a pattern there. Artie interrupted and said ''...that no one in this world likes you?'' Howard said he likes Eric. Artie acted surprised when he heard that. Howard asked Eric if this is his last call. Eric said he's not going to be a regular caller so this is his last call. Howard said he was going to do a dating game with him but if he's not going to call in, that's off. Eric sounded interested and asked Howard what he was going to do with that. Howard told him he was going to do a dial-a-date thing.
Eric said that Johnny Fratto came up with an idea to get 3 Diana DeGarmo look-alikes to compete. Howard told Eric that Diana really isn't that hot so he's not sure what he sees in her. Artie said that they'd actually make a good couple. She might actually go out with him looking the way she does.
Howard said that maybe he should write a movie and have Eric as the star along with Diana. He then remembered that Eric didn't want to be part of the show so that was out of the question. Eric said that was actually his plan, to write a script and get Diana to appear in it. He said he's writing a few things. He said he's writing a kids book and doing some other stuff.
Artie asked him what would be in the kid's book. Eric said that it was from the point of view of a Pug dog. He said that's his favorite type of dog. Eric said that the dog was going to help his master meet the girl of his dreams. Howard said it sounded fascinating and cut him off to take another call.
Howard had Mark the Bagger on the phone asking Eric how he was doing and calling him a bunch of names. It was just clips again so Howard let that go on for a short time. Mark was asking how he can get out a beer bottle from his ass. He'd say that he had one question for him but then he'd ask question after question.
Another caller told Eric that he's a big fan of his. Howard said that there are people like that out there, not everyone hates him. He took another call from a guy who said that he thinks that Eric is accustomed to getting everything he wants and that's why he keeps doing this stuff. The guy also brought up Jillian Barberie, a morning talk show host in California, and said that she just had a baby about a month ago but she looks really hot. He said that she's got some big ass titties and she looks hot. Howard said that Jillian once said that she would bang him back when was first dating Beth. He said he should have banged the shit out of her back then. If he wasn't with Beth at the time, he would have.
The caller said that he thinks that Jillian is a horny assed chick and she'll be divorced within a couple of years. The guy asked Robin how tall she is and found out she's 5'6'' and was all over the place talking about stuff. He told Howard and Robin they should come out and visit East L.A. Sometime.
Howard told Eric that he should call in more but Eric said that his contract will run out before that happens again. Howard said that his advice is to stop calling the DeGarmo family now. Eric said he's going to stop doing that. Howard gave him a ''Bye for now'' but Eric would only say ''Bye'' and not ''for now.'' Eric said he didn't even have the call in number, he had to call Johnny Fratto for the number. Howard said he thinks that Eric will call in during today's show, that's how confident he is that he'll call back.
Eric said that the people on his Myspace page are the ones who told Steve about his calls to the Degarmo family. He said he thinks he knows who it was but he's not going to say who he thinks that is. Howard thanked him for that and let him go as he was playing a bunch of Eric the Midget song parodies and prank calls. They had many to play. Howard had to go to break when they were done with that.
Howard said that someone sent him a video from YouTube of this guy who is a big fan of Britney Spears and defended her as he was crying. Howard said he wasn't even able to tell that the guy was a guy. He was crying and screaming about the way she's being treated. He was balling and screaming at people to leave her alone. He asked people to leave her alone, please. Of course that got Artie and Howard laughing at the guy.
Howard said that he's dying to talk to that guy. They said that he sounded kind of like the ch