Gary said that he wanted to cut out the first three minutes of tape because it was kind of boring but Howard wouldn't let him do it. He also told Howard that he wanted to nullify the Death Pool deal they had with Walter Matthau. Howard told him the deal was off. When Gary found out how much money was up in the air he changed his mind.
KC came in and told Gary that he had $18,000 in his hand but a short time later he said it was only $10,800. He said he forgot a zero. It turns out there was a total of over $18,000 including the $7000 that Howard and the rest of the crew were putting in for the tape. 3 guys showed up for the first showing and there were others for the second showing with less money. The first 2 guys came in with a total of $10,000. They got front row seats for the video. Howard even had popcorn popped for the guys to eat while watching the tape.
The first viewing went off a little bit past 7:00am. This Jewish Canter came in and sang a special Baba Booey version of the Star Spangled Banner for Howard but he didn't like it so he cut him off and kicked him out of the studio. It turned out that the first 3 minutes had some really funny stuff in it. Everyone got to see Gary from 11 years ago with his John Oates(Hall and Oates) look, big moustache and all.
Gary started off telling Nancy why he was doing the videotape.. because he couldn't ''get an audience'' with her. He told Howard that he was able to talk to Nancy on the phone but she wouldn't see him in person. He also said he was able to date her after he made the tape but didn't get into details.
Everyone in the studio was laughing hysterically through the tape. The fans who showed up were commenting on Gary's big teeth and moustache. Everyone agreed that Gary came off as a big pussy, and that was after only 5 minutes of the 12 minute tape!
Howard took a break and came back to keep the tape going. Gary hints that he may propose to Nancy a couple of times but those big choppers don't let it out. The first viewing went on for over an hour and 10 minutes. There were plenty of funny parts in the tape to make it worth rewinding.
At one point Gary tells Nancy that he ''lost my lover and my best friend'' and that she lost the same thing but gained another lover and best friend. Then he says that he gained some lovers but no best friends. Everyone burst out laughing. Howard called that formula ''Teeth=MC
Everything on the tape was about Gary, not about what Nancy might be feeling. Gary actually tells Nancy what she must be feeling. Surprisingly there were a couple of women who called in and told Gary the tape was sweet. Most of the other calls were telling him he's a loser.
Gary wasn't watching any of the tape because he was so embarrassed by it. At one point near the end of the tape Gary does one line of baby talk where he says he's ''not the begging type'' but he is begging. After watching the tape there was applause and Howard tells Gary ''You are weird!'' Howard took a break and moved on to the Mike Walker gossip game.
Hank said that he hates Jews, Catholics, Blacks and Cops. Howard hung with Hank for a while and Hank even ended up showing Howard the size of his penis. Howard was curious so he asked him to pull it out. Hank didn't even hesitate to pull down his pants and yank it out. Howard was pretty surprised.
Hank said that he's been drinking since he was 8 years old! I don't think that he's stopped since! He was sloshed. At one point a black woman called in and said that she'd like to go out with this little man even though he hates all these people. She said that she likes people that hate other people and she's really curious to go out with him. Howard invited her down and off she went. Later in the show she came down to the studio.
Howard said that Ralph brought in a Superman costume for Hank to wear. When Hank came into the studio he wasn't wearing the costume. Howard asked Ralph why he wasn't wearing it. Ralph said that he didn't want to go back and ask the dwarf if he wanted to wear a costume. Howard called Ralph a freak and a retard and kicked him out of the studio. Howard also said that Ralph no longer does his hair.
So this woman, D(ebra). Ann, came in and Howard said that she was really cute. As soon as she walked in Hank had his hand on her ass! She says that she's a psychology major and she just wanted to meet this angry little man. D. Ann said that her 8 year old daughter wants to beat up Hank. Hank asked why and D. Ann said ''because she doesn't like midgets...''
Gary came in and said that the plan for these two was a carriage ride around Central Park and maybe lunch if D. Ann sticks around. So the two of them left the studio.
When Howard and Robin started the news with Gilbert Gottfried, Howard asked Gilbert if he wanted to see Hank in his Superman Costume. Of course Gilbert couldn't refuse so in came Superman. Hank was going to be wearing the costume for his carriage ride. What a site that must have been. Even later in the show Gary came in and said that Hank was running around the station in his costume, barefoot, like a little kid.
It's a sad story, about a jerk named Brady
Who was bringing up 3 broads as cute as hell
But he lost his cash with bad investments
The damn stock market fell
Now the house is, in bank foreclosure
They were forced to live in boxes on the street
They wear clothes they pick out of the garbage, with only rats to eat
Now they're homeless and they are all eating dog food
And we think that little Cindy's selling crack
But there's hope for the once rich and happy family
Now that little Marcia Brady's coming back
The homeless Brady Bunch
The homeless Brady Bunch
Now Jan is turning tricks to pay for lunch
Abe started to talk about some of the problems we have in this world. He said he wants to stop the many divorces we have. He said he's been married 60 years now. He said he was going to tell people how to have a good marriage. He went on to tell a joke that didn't make much sense. It was about a 10 year old boy asking his mother how old she is and how much she weighs. She tells him that it's not polite to ask stuff like that. He also asks the mother why she's divorced. She won't tell him so he finds her license and it says she's 35 years old, weighs 120 pounds and it says she got an ''F'' for Sex, that's why she got the divorce. Howard and Gilbert then proceeded to have Abe repeat that joke over and over and over again. They kept telling him they missed part of the joke or they just didn't get it. Abe would tell it over and over again while Howard, Artie and Gilbert laughed hysterically. Howard had the microphones down so Abe couldn't hear them. Howard asked Abe what the whole joke meant because he didn't really get it. He finally asked about it after Abe told the joke about 5 times. Gilbert told Abe that he didn't hear all of the joke so he asked him to tell it once again. Howard said he couldn't take it anymore. Howard said he'd love to meet this guy. He used to hang out with President Kennedy and now he's getting dicked around by Gilbert. Gilbert had him repeat the joke again when he said they wanted to record it. Howard and the guys continued to laugh as he told the joke for the tenth time. Howard said he wasn't even sure what Hirschfeld was calling in for.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she hasn't laughed that hard in a long time. Abe started to tell another story about ''Babahah Walters'' so Gilbert picked up on that and goofed on him some more. He started to tell another joke about Barbara Walters and President Clinton so they had him repeating that over and over again before he even finished it. Abe told Howard that he composed these jokes while he was in prison for 2 years. Howard and Gilbert continued to goof on the poor guy for a few minutes. Abe never did get around to plugging what he wanted to talk about. Gilbert asked him to tell his 10 year old boy joke again so Abe said he was going to start charging for it. He went ahead and told it again though. Howard told Mr. Hirschfeld that he would talk to him about the diet and his plans for the World Trade Center at a future date. Hirschfeld said he had to plug something and started talking about the divorce thing again. Gilbert kept goofing on his accent though. Abe told one last joke as Howard was trying to wrap up the call and it just wasn't working. Howard finally got him off the phone. Gilbert goofed on him a little bit more before Howard took his break. Gilbert hung around for Robin's news.
UPDATE: The special was over 12 hours long. They ran it again after the first play.
Please Support MarksFriggin.com using Patreon
Howard was back live this morning. He started off the show announcing that fact and saying he had a miserable vacation because he was sick the whole time. He's got some prostate thing going on and the medication he was taking wasn't working. He said it's been awful. He hasn't been able to sleep with it. He stands up and feels like he has to pee and gets chills from it. He said he's been eating well and just got examined and came out with a clean bill of health. Now he's thinking that maybe the doctor touching the prostate was the reason for it. He just wants to be better.
Howard said he can't sleep and it really hurts. His doctor told him it's prosthetitis. He hates taking anti-biotics but now he figures he has to take that stuff. Robin said there are reasons for taking them at some points.
Howard noticed that Benjy was looking up the prosthetitis thing on the web so he told him to stop. He said he didn't want to know the symptoms or anything because that will drive him nuts. He said he heard from one guy who told him that some people never get rid of that. He said that suggestion gets put into his head and that's what it becomes.
Artie asked Howard if someone told him he was a great basketball player, would he become that. Howard said it's only the negative things that he becomes.
Howard said he wanted to have sex with Beth over vacation but he wasn't sure if he could. The doctor told him he could so he went ahead and did it even though it hurt. Beth worried about him but he said he wanted to do it. He said she didn't want his ''sick load'' from him but he did it anyway. Artie said he saw Howard last week and he looked fine. Howard said he's trying not to be a drag so he was pretending to enjoy himself.
Howard said he saw Matt Lauer at the party. He also saw Bryant Gumble and his wife. He said there's almost a regular crowd out there in the Hamptons at these parties. He said Billy Joel and Paul McCartney showed up and then he saw Roger Waters there and spoke to him for a few minutes.
Howard said his daughter asked him to introduce her to Bruce Springsteen so the next thing he knew he was talking to Bruce for like 10 minutes. Bruce then pulled the ''I've got a phone call'' thing to get out of the conversation. He said that was fine because they had spoken long enough. He said that he wanted to ask Bruce about doing American Idol but never got to it.
Artie said he hates thinking about that American Idol thing and Bruce possibly doing something like that. He said he read an article that Rick Rubin wrote and how he got him thinking that Bruce could do something like that. Howard said he got a feeling that Bruce would never do something like that when he was talking to him and some other people.
Howard said that Bruce was out in the Hamptons because his daughter was doing something out there and that's why he showed up. He said he could end up on American Idol to impress his kids or something some day. Artie asked him if he talked to Bruce about satellite radio at all. Howard didn't get to that.
Howard said he saw Chevy Chase walk into the party and his wife Janie was with him. He said he and Chevy are cool but his wife still hated him. They worked things out that night at the party though. Howard said that worked out okay and he had to tell Beth how scared he was to run into them there at the party.
Howard said he saw some chick with Roger Waters and he wasn't sure who she was. He said someone told him it was Naomi Watts but he doesn't know all of these young girls coming up.
Howard said John got up and did a couple of songs after dinner. He called the other guys up there and jammed with them. They had Roger Waters, Paul McCartney and Billy Joel up there jamming with him. He said that it was reported in the paper that he was rocking out but he wasn't. He said he was just clapping and stuff and trying not to be a dick.
Howard said the night before Artie came out he got invited out to the guy who owns SIRIUS' house. The guy had Tom Petty show up at his house to play for his party. There were only 60-70 people there. He said he got to sit there and watch Tom doing a whole concert right there at the house. He was paid like $850,000 to show up to do that. Robin sounded very surprised by that.
Howard said he told Artie to stay at his house when he came out for the concert. He said it was fun to have Artie out there. He said that Beth asked him if he thinks that Artie thinks he's fun. Howard said he's not sure about that so she suggested that they invite Ralph out there to entertain Artie. Howard figured that might work out. He said that when he woke up from his nap, he saw Artie and Ralph in a tub so that kind of worked out. Ralph even made him a bathing suit since Artie didn't bring one.
Artie said he had his own room out there and the room looked out onto the pool. He and Ralph walked out on the beach and then he figured that he could cut up his sweat pants to make a bathing suit. Ralph did a nice job cutting them up according to Artie. He said that asking any other guy to do that would get him punched in the face.
Howard said he figured that Artie didn't want to get out of the hot tub because he stayed in there the whole time he was talking to him. Howard said that he loves Artie fat or skinny though so he shouldn't have to worry about that.
Artie said that the whole experience was great out there. Artie took a helicopter out there and that's where the Ralph situation starts. Gary was part of this story too. Artie said that Howard invited him out so he splurged on getting out there so he wouldn't have to get stuck in the traffic. He said that wasn't cheap but Gary flew out with him and offered to pay him. He said that Gary offered to pay but he told him he didn't have to. Ralph was coming out as well so he asked to fly out with him too.
Artie said that the guy had to get another helicopter because they went from 2 to 3 people. Gary said that Artie's assistant Teddy asked him how much he weighed because they go by weight on those things. Gary said Teddy told him they had to get a bigger one because of the weight.
Artie said that it could have been quicker if they drove because some fog delayed them. Ralph never said thank you or even offered to pay anything. He said he really doesn't care but it would have been nice if Ralph had asked. Gary said that Ralph walks in like it's his own place and acts like this is a regular thing for him.
Artie said that this is a long story. He said that the car service didn't know which helicopter to come to so they had to wait for an hour for the car. This is all something that Ralph caused indirectly. Gary said that Artie was stressing out that he was screwing up Howard's barbecue because they were trying to get out there for that. He said he really stresses out over that stuff, especially after showing up late to Gary's dinner party and hearing it from Howard.
Howard took over and said that they were going to that Tom Petty concert that night. He told everyone when they needed to be ready to leave. He said that he looked over at Ralph 2 minutes before they were supposed to leave. He was making airline reservations two minutes before they left. He went off on him over that but Ralph said it wasn't 7:15 yet so he had time. He told Ralph to hang up the fuckin phone so Ralph did it.
Howard said he would have left if Ralph had stayed on the phone. He doesn't dick around with that. Artie said that Ralph had a couple of drinks before that too. They got into the limo to go to the concert and Ralph started in saying he had to pee. He told Ralph he should have gone before they left. Ralph was yelling at the driver to pull over because he had to go so bad. Artie said that Ralph was rolling around on the floor like a 3rd grader who had to pee. Howard said that this was nothing, there's more.
Artie said that he and Ralph had drinks in the limo. Howard said he didn't drink anything himself because of his prostate problems. He said there were a lot of people there that he knew and there was a red carpet and stuff like that. He said that he was told that one of his guys was out pissing in front of the place. Howard said Ralph was embarrassing him by doing that.
There were bathrooms there but Ralph ran by it and disappeared into the bushes. This was in front of this red carpet event. Gary said that it became ''one of Howard Stern's guys is peeing in the bushes.'' Artie said there were paparazzi all over the place too. He told Ralph he didn't want him smoking pot near him or anything like that. He doesn't want that image and it's not something he condones. He said he gets enough shit over everything else he does.
Howard said that Artie knows how to behave even though his on air demeanor might not seem that way. He said that when Artie left his house, his room was spotless and his bed was made. When Ralph leaves, there's stuff all over the room and it's a mess.
Howard said he was out of his mind over the Ralph peeing thing. Gary said that Ralph swore that he didn't take anything of any kind before the show but he started drinking very heavily at the show. Howard said he thought Ralph was pretty coherent during the evening. Artie said he was pretty much acting like himself. Gary said that at one point there was a guy who was about to punch Ralph in the face because he was saying some really inappropriate things to this cute chick's date.
Artie said that at one point he pointed out that Paul McCartney was right near them and Ralph wasn't impressed. He thought that was kind of odd.
Howard left the concert a little early to beat traffic. The rest of the guys hung out and then went out to a restaurant after that. He said that Ralph went along with them. At that point no one noticed if Ralph was high or wasted or whatever. Artie said that Ralph was getting belligerent and they all knew that they might have to step in and help him out if he said something to someone and they were wondering who might step in.
Howard heard that Sal was upset about Jon Hein being at the concert that night. He thought that Howard had invited him but Howard said he didn't invite him, he didn't even know he was going to be there. Sal said he assumed that Howard had invited him there. Sal said he's glad for Jon and he found it hard to believe that Howard didn't invite him. Sal said it hurt that he wasn't invited. He said he felt insulted that he wasn't invited.
Howard told Sal that he had nothing to do with him being there. Jon came in and said that Gary was the one who invited him. Sal said he'd just assumed it was Howard. Jon said that Howard invited him out to his house but he couldn't get out to his house in time. Robin said that Jon must have figured that he'd get upset if he did show up so he must have decided not to go.
Artie got back to the story and told the guys that they went out to this restaurant, Serensons, and Ralph started to dance. He was dancing with a woman who looked to be about 60 years old. He said that she looked like she had plastic surgery and she was heavy. Gary said that Ralph appeared to be loving the dancing too and this is the guy who picks apart the women on the show all the time.
Artie said that the group decided to leave and they told Ralph what they were doing. Ralph looked at them and told them he'd catch up with them later. Gary said that Ralph actually told him to come and pick him up on the way back. They told him they couldn't do that so he had to leave then or find his way home later.
Gary said that Artie and Jon Hein figured they couldn't leave Ralph there because he was fucked up. Jon Hein went in and tried to get him to leave. That didn't work so Artie went in to get him. Ralph told him that he'd find his way home, he was still dancing with the 60 year old chick.
Artie tried to make sure that Ralph knew where Howard's house was so he could get there. Artie gave him money to get a car out there to make sure he could get there. He gave him $300 to make sure he could get back. Howard said that Artie and the guys left. Artie showed up to his place and got back just fine. Howard said he got home just fine himself and was sleeping by the time Artie showed up.
Artie said that Jon Hein took him back to Howard's place, the other guys went their own way. Howard got up the next morning and he found that Ralph had left 5 messages for him. His room was never used. He listened to one panicked message after the other. It turns out Ralph was driving around trying to find his house and he was lost. He said he has the messages so he was going to play them but he had to set that up during the break. He went to commercial break after that.
Howard and Robin talked about that telethon and how it used to be a big deal back when it first started. Now it's irrelevant. Robin said that her younger house guests this weekend never mentioned it at all.
Howard had Artie get back to the Ralph story. He mentioned that he found that Artie locks his bedroom door because he was out looking for Ralph and found that Artie's door was locked. Artie didn't remember locking it but it's possible.
Artie said that he and Jon Hein were going back to Howard's place and Jon ended up getting pulled over by the cops for speeding. Artie said that the cop was a cute chick. He said he told her who he was and where he was going and the cop let Jon off with a warning. Howard said that Artie can get off using his name but he uses his own name and still gets a ticket. Gary said that he's gotten out of tickets using Howard's name too. Artie said he felt so bad for Jon that he had to be that douche bag to get Jon out of the ticket.
A caller told Howard that the Ralph story wasn't going to be interesting unless Ralph gets his face punched in or something. He said he was actually enjoying the story but he really hates Ralph.
Howard got back to the story and played some of the messages he got from Ralph. In one message Ralph said he had no place to go and he figured he was on his way back to the city. Howard said he left that message at about 4:30 in the morning and he had no idea what had gone on. Then he got another one around 7:30 in the morning. Ralph was home at that point. Ralph said that the guys ditched him and he didn't know where to go. He said he had to get on the bus and head home. He called them a bunch of douche bags and cocksuckers for ditching him. Ralph asked Howard to pack up his shit and send it along with Artie.
Artie said that Ralph sounded pretty lucid in that call and he knew exactly where all of his shit was. Howard said he heard that message and wanted to know what had gone on but Artie was sleeping all day long. Howard said that they must have really screwed him over after he heard that. Howard played another message where Ralph asked him to pack him some cookies. Ralph went off on the guys again calling them names and saying that he had to scale the outside of his building to get in.
Artie said that he woke up around 1 in the afternoon and Howard and Beth asked him what happened. Artie said that he would never ditch a guy and he was pissed because he gave Ralph $300 and they all told him that they were leaving. Robin said that Jon Hein told her that Ralph was expecting Ross to come back and pick him up. Gary said that Ralph had Howard's address on his iPhone but it turns out the battery died so he wasn't able to get the info off of it.
Howard said that he talked to Ralph later on and he didn't remember Artie coming in to tell him they were going. Artie talked to him as well and he asked him if he remembered sitting next to Paul McCartney and he didn't remember that at all. He said Ralph didn't seem to be that out of it that night. Howard said he asked Ralph what was going on and why he didn't just stay in a hotel. Ralph said there were none and he just went home.
Artie said that Ralph borrowed someone's cell phone to call Howard so now that guy has his phone number. Howard said that whatever Ralph was on really screwed him up. He had told Howard that he'd smoked a little weed at the concert and had some drinks.
Artie said that Ralph told him he didn't know how he ended up near Howard's house but he wasn't sure how he got on the bus back to Jersey City. Artie said he was also told that Ralph tried to get a hotel but they were booked. Artie said he couldn't do most of what Ralph did if he was coherent.
Artie said that Ralph knew that he had money but he didn't know where it came from. Howard said that Ralph didn't know that it was Artie who gave it to him. He never said he was going to give it back to Artie either.
Howard said he went to pack up Ralph's stuff and he was supposed to be there just for a day. They packed up all of his stuff and even gave him some of the cookies that he'd requested in one of his messages. Artie then had to take the bag back to Ralph after all of that. He said that he had the bag and they were going to take the helicopter back. The pilot thought it was going to be 3 guys again but it was just two so the guy said he had to make some changes and wished that they had told him that ahead of time.
Artie said he got back home and figured he'd make Ralph's life easy and send his bag over with his driver. Gary said that could be a bad idea but it would get him out of his hair. Artie said he called Ralph and let him know what he was doing. He sent his driver, with the bag, to Ralph's place. Ralph thanked him for that when he got the bag. Ralph said he gave the guy a few bucks and sent him on his way. Ralph brought up the $300 so he knew about the whole thing. Artie said he asked the driver if Ralph gave him anything for him, like some cash. The driver said all he got was about ten bucks from Ralph.
Artie said that Ralph didn't offer to give him back the three hundred bucks he gave him the other night. He figures that Ralph must figure that if he's not asking for the money back, he doesn't need it. He said that he could have offered to give him some of the money back but he didn't offer anything. Now he's fuming and wants to know what Ralph's explanation is. He spent all of this money on the helicopter and stuff like that.
Artie said that he doesn't know what to think with that guy. He said he seems to have a sense of entitlement. He said that he didn't lead Ralph to think he didn't have to pay him back or anything so he expects him to give him his money back.
The guys all said that the whole story shows that Ralph has a sense of entitlement. They talked about how coherent he was with everything but that night when he was apparently blacked out.
Robin bailed on the wedding a week before as well. She said that Isaac knew that it might happen though. Artie said he wrote a 3 page apology to Isaac after he remembered. He said that Isaac has his gift there and he gave him even more money because he forgot about it.
Artie said that he told his assistant to remind him but that didn't happen either. Howard told Artie to get into the Franklin Covey thing and start organizing his life. Artie said he feels like a baby and he can't even remember to go to his friend's wedding.
Howard said that Isaac had a very random invite list. He said that he and Robin were invited, but Gary wasn't. He said Gary wasn't upset about it because he doesn't want to go to a wedding anyway.
Artie said that from what he read, it seems that Owen may have been involved with heroin and that could be part of the depression as well. They spent a couple of minutes on that and then Howard told Artie that he worries about him when he hears about heroin use like that.
Howard said that he enjoyed having Artie out at his place and he got sad when he left. He said he was really bummed out after he left. He said he got the same way when Jimmy Kimmel left one time. Howard said that he's really got to stop hanging out with Ralph because he really embarrassed him at the concert that night.
Howard said that what he does have sitting out is a box of Efferdent. He said he has that because he sleeps with this thing that keeps him from grinding his teeth. He said the fucker was lying because there were no dentures sitting out. He said that he hates that someone he let into his house has to be a cunt and tell Richard Johnson a story like that. He said that the people from the magazine should fire the three people who were out there and then let the one who went to Johnson come out and protect the other two.
Artie said that there have been a couple of gossip items in Page Six that were just totally wrong about him. He said there was one story about him singing with a band after a gig one night and it was completely false. Howard said he blew his stack when he read that story because he doesn't wear dentures. He said he hates being painted as old even though he may be. He feels that he's youthful though.
Howard said that his prostate problem might be caused by the fact that his shrink is out of town. He said he's been bottling up a lot of stuff lately. He said that it was weird that he got tearful when Artie was leaving his house in the Hamptons. Artie said that it was kind of odd because he noticed that he was kind of upset. He said it was kind of a concerned look.
Howard said he wouldn't want to look out in the crowd and see Fred's face either. Gary came in and said that the one guy who was upset was Will. He thought that Will and Isaac were really close. Isaac said that he had a B list and Will was on that list. He said he thought was close to Artie too. Artie then apologized for missing the wedding and told him how he had overslept and forgot all about it until last night.
Artie said he has no excuse for what he did but no one called to remind him about it. He said that he knows Teddy was told to remind him but he never called. Artie apologized and said that he wanted Isaac to tell his new wife that he's sorry as well. He said that she's a lovely person and she's a great line producer.
Isaac said that he scored way out of his league with his wife. He said that she's in great shape right now. He also said that she was kind of bummed that Artie didn't show up. Doug Goodstein came in and said they had a Jack and water for him. They even had a picture of that set up. Artie said he was really sorry for the way he handled everything. Isaac said that Howard handled everything the right way. Howard may have said no but he RSVPd and did the right thing.
Doug said that he told Isaac that Artie wasn't going to show up to his wedding, even though he said he was going to. He said that Artie has done that kind of thing before. It was a work thing according to Artie, but he did skip out on something.
Artie said that he was out on Friday night playing poker and didn't get home until Saturday morning until 7am. He said he ended up winning $8,100 playing poker. He said that he got home and had a big breakfast, then went to sleep. He didn't get up until 5:30pm on Sunday.
Howard said he was afraid that Artie was going to die in his sleep out there in the Hamptons. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he thinks Artie is back on heroin. He said he's sleeping through weddings and had $300 in cash on him out there in the Hamptons. Artie said that $300 isn't all that much out there in the Hamptons.
Howard said that Ralph is out in California now staying in John Stamos' house. He said that John is away so Ralph is staying there by himself.
Richard came in and told Howard that he and Artie took a nap on the set of Rescue Me and an assistant had to wake Artie up. She had a tough time getting him up and when he did get up, he looked like a new born baby. Artie said that he actually slept for 34 hours straight this weekend.
Howard asked Artie what he gave to Isaac as a gift. He didn't want to say exactly how much it was, he said it was four figures though. The guys talked about how crazy Artie gets with money and how he tips people way too much. Gary said that Artie tipped the guy at the airport $100 even though he just carried his bag like 10 feet.
Artie said that he heard that some of the guys had a bet that Ralph wasn't going to pay Artie back the $300 he gave him. Now that this has been brought up, he probably will. He said Ralph never paid up on the bet he owed him for either.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Robin never let him know if she was coming to their daughter's wedding. She said she was on the fence the whole time. She also canceled out of Gary's dinner party at the last minute. She said that she was really sick that night.
Doug told another story about the wedding and how Richard Christy didn't know what to wear to the wedding and he had a handkerchief in his pocket that still had the cardboard in it and the price tag on it. Howard said that you have to think about where Richard is from. Then he played a new voice mail from Richard's father where he talked about their chickens running around and being chased by a rooster and stuff. Artie said that he can't be that dumb to think that he can leave his handkerchief cardboard and price tag on it. Richard said it couldn't be seen until Doug pulled it out.
A caller asked Artie to read that letter he wrote to Isaac. Artie wasn't sure he wanted to do it but he pulled it out and said that he wrote the letter at the height of self-hatred. He then read the letter where he explains why he didn't show up to their wedding. He said that had just slept right through it. He didn't write the letter until 10pm last night. The wedding was on Sunday morning. In the letter Artie says that he's a mess and without a woman in his life to take care of him, his life becomes a life of bullshit and chaos. Artie was reading some crazy stuff that he wrote and the guys weren't sure if he was serious or not. Howard said the letter might be the best ever.
Howard said he wanted to photograph the letter and put it up on HowardStern.com. Artie read through one part that Howard wanted to hear again. Howard figured that his wedding gift was over 5 grand after hearing the letter. He told him it was an awesome letter. He congratulated him on that. Richard told him that it was a $5,000 nap he took.
Artie said that there was a P.S. on the letter but he actually ripped it off the paper. He said that it was something that Isaac wouldn't want on the air. Fred made up some gay story and did his impression of Artie reading it. The guys said that would have been some revelation.
Howard said that he liked the part where Artie was talking about how Isaac is better off with the money than he is because he'd just spend it on Marlboro reds and Double Stuff Oreos. Artie said he's afraid that Susan is going to hate him because he didn't show up. He said that women are so into weddings that something like this could ruin it for him.
Lisa said that Nicole Bass is also back on track in her life after the guys gave her about $1000. She said that they also have a story about George Lopez stopping by SIRIUS and what he had to say about Artie. Howard said he'd like to get George back on the show sometime.
Howard said that he called Rick Rubin recently too to get back in touch with him. He said he left the guy a message but he wasn't sure if he'd gotten the right number or not. That all led to the guys talking about the SIRIUS/XM merger. They spent a minute on that and then Howard let Lisa go.
Howard came back and said that he had a bunch of things to play and he wasn't sure where to start. He played a ''Lets Fuck Some Whores'' to the Price is Right theme song. He had a couple of other song parodies including one from Sal about Robin. Howard said that Sal is still upset about Jon Hein being at the concert the other night. He had some tape to prove it. In the clip Sal was going off on Jon even though he wasn't invited to the concert even though Howard didn't have anything to do with it. Sal said that those guys were just trying to ''pin'' him against Jon Hein. Howard said it's ''pit'' not ''pin.''
Sal said that he's tired of Gary too so that led to Howard saying that Gary and Sal were fighting on the Wrap Up Show. Artie said that when they go out on the road those tensions extend to the show now. Howard played the clip where Gary and Sal were arguing on the Wrap Up Show. Gary was saying that Sal only did good at the show down in Lakeland, Florida because he fell off the stage. Sal went off on Gary for always interrupting people and bringing the show to a halt.
Sal said that Gary is Mr. Know-it-all and no one else is allowed to say anything. Howard said that after all of that went down, Sal went in and recorded a bunch of Baba Booey song parodies. He played one of those and Gary said that he could hear Sal yelling out the parodies that day.
Artie asked if Jon Hein was all pissed off about what Sal was saying about him in the tape earlier. Jon said it is insulting and he doesn't like that Sal says that stuff about him and then claims it's just a bit. Sal came in and said that he's just expressing some honest thoughts in those clips. He said that when he says something he's a backstabbing scumbag. Howard interrupted him and asked him what was up with the tan. He said he was on vacation with his family at Marco Island and got tan. He said that he didn't get laid either but that's because the kids were in the same room.
Jon Hein said that Sal still thinks that Howard invited him out to that concert that night. Howard said that even if he did, that's no concern of Sal's. Sal went off on Jon again and goofed on him about the way he does his Wrap Up Show but then said he loves the guy. He said he thinks Jon does a great job on his show but he's not revolutionizing anything. Howard said that Sal is undermining what Jon does when he says that stuff.
Howard said that from now on, because of what Sal did, he's going to invite Jon to all of his stuff. Artie told Sal that he was the one who was really trying to go to that concert so that's why Howard got him into it. He said that Jon Hein had nothing to do with it. Howard said that thanks to Sal, now he's forced to have an event that he won't invite Sal to.
Howard replayed Sal's song parody about Robin where he sings a Twisted Sister song. Howard had to cut it off when he started to sing about licking her after she gets off the shitter. He let Sal and Jon go after that.
Howard said that he saw Artie and Ralph in the hot tub the other night and had to brag to them that he had banged Beth while they were in the tub. Howard quickly mentioned that they have arranged to have Sal and his wife meet with Dr. Keith Ablow live on the air. He said that should be coming up soon.
Howard said that he had some tape from this Miss Teen USA pageant. Mario Lopez was hosting the pageant and he asked one of the contestants a question and her answer was so ridiculous that he had to play it. He played Mario's introduction and ended up talking about how ridiculous that was. He was introduced as an international film and TV star.
Howard said that at one point they ask Miss South Carolina why 1/5th of American's can't pick out the U.S. on a map. She says that a lot of Americans don't have maps and that we should help build up other countries like South Africa and Iraq. Artie said that was the greatest clip ever and he wants to fuck her even though he's never even seen her. He said he wants that on a loop so he can hear it over and over again. Howard played it a second time for him after that.
Howard said that Mario is holding back the laughter in the clip. He's dopey too but he can at least put together a sentence. Artie said it sounds like someone told her to mention South Africa and that it was a personal belief. Howard said you can kind of see where she was going but she just wasn't able to get it out coherently. He said he was trying to figure out what the hell she was trying to say about ''the Iraq'' and ''the Asian'' countries. He wondered if she thinks that South Africa is part of this country or something.
Howard said that she went on Good Morning America and tried to explain herself. She said that she was overwhelmed and made a mistake, just like anyone else would. She said that she was in complete shock and only heard one or two of the words in the question. Howard said that she's an idiot, that's the reason she gave that answer.
Howard played another clip where Miss North Carolina was asked what kind of risks she's taken. She then talked about how hard it was going snow boarding. Howard and the guys goofed on that answer. Howard said that chick was in good shape and going snow boarding wasn't a big risk for her. It would have been more of a risk for someone like Artie.
Howard said that during vacation it was announced that Katie Couric is going to Iraq to find out what's really going on there. He said that it's not the safest thing for her to do but CBS is probably hoping that she dies so they can get over the whole debacle of putting her on the evening news. He said it's a pathetic attempt to get people to watch the CBS news.
Howard asked Artie what he'll do if he oversleeps. Artie said that it's not a definite thing yet, the guy has to put something together. Howard told him he might have to work clean over there. Artie said that it'll be a bunch of soldiers in their 20s that want to hear that stuff. He said he'll do what he has to do to make sure he doesn't risk anyone's life by saying something wrong. He said he wouldn't do this if he had a wife and kids of course.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the South Carolina Miss Teen chick was reading some stuff on that Good Morning America Show and she came off even more retarded when they had her reading these answers. Artie said he wants to see what this chick looks like. Howard said she's hot but she's like a hot Wendy the Retard.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he's a border patrol agent in Arizona and a bunch of guys there listen to him on satellite. Howard asked the guy what he thinks about building a wall on the borders there. He said that might slow people down but it won't stop them from coming in. Howard asked if they're allowed to shoot those guys when they come across the border. He said they're like cops and can't just shoot them, they have to chase and catch them. Howard said he'd probably take them as slaves and have them doing yard work around his house if he was one of those guys.
Howard asked the guy if there are ever any hot chicks who run across the border. He said he has seen some hot ones, they're just like any people out there. They don't let them through just because they're hot though. The caller said that sometimes they can catch 500-600 people during one shift. Some days there are none. Howard said they should ask them those pageant questions from the Miss Teen USA pageant. The guy said the illegal immigrants could probably answer better than Miss South Carolina could.
Howard thanked the guy for the call and let him go. He said he'd probably feel bad for them and let them through if he were a boarder patrol agent. That led to the guys talking about what they would do to get into the country if they were trying to get in. Robin said she might blow a guy to get into the country.
Howard said that he really has to get out of there on time today but he also wants to play some Labor Day Telethon clips and have Robin do her news. They ended up talking about Owen Wilson a little more. Howard said the guy who stands to make out the best from Owen's suicide attempt is his brother Andrew. He's an actor but no one ever hears about him, until now.
Howard said that he was sitting there getting bummed out because he knows he has to have a finger up his ass today. He said he kind of feels like he has one in the chamber but he's not able to do that during the show. Fred said he's heard that there's a way to make dogs shit by sticking a match stick up their ass or something. Howard told Fred to try that out on him. Fred just laughed.
Howard said there was a guy on the phone who said that Owen Wilson won't be insurable now that he's tried to kill himself. Robin figured it would just be a matter of time before he is insurable.
Siobhan the Transsexual called in and said that Nicole Bass called her complaining about how much her vet bills are. She said that she's kind of annoyed by that. Siobhan also said that she doesn't get arrested and call asking for money, she said that she does ask for money though. She said that she does it to take care of the cats she has and she has to ask people for money. Howard said that maybe she shouldn't do that anymore then. She said that she made a vow to them to take care of them.
Howard asked Artie who he would sleep with, Nicole Bass or Siobhan. Artie said he'd have to go with Nicole because she is a real woman. Siobhan said that she was a great house wife when she was married and she's be good for Artie. Artie told her that if she's a great house wife ''...then shut the fuck up.''
Howard said that he wanted to talk about this guy Senator Larry Craig. He said he might have to defend the guy because this seems to be a case of homophobia. Robin told him that it was a sting operation though and they had complaints about that type of thing going on in there. That's how he got caught. Howard said that it's still not right because there are so many politicians who do things wrong and no one is calling for their resignations, just for this one. The guys talked about how he may have done this gay bathroom stall thing where he touched feet with the cop and may have stuck his hands under the stall wall.
Howard played some audio clips of this guy Larry Craig saying that he's not gay and saying that he doesn't hit on men, especially in Boise, Idaho. Howard then took a call from a guy who said that he knows how that gay stuff works in the bathroom stall. He said that the foot touching just starts as a quick tap. He said that he's gay himself and this is how it goes. He said you don't just touch feet. He said when people walk in it gets very quiet in the bathrooms.
Howard asked the guy some questions and wondered if someone taking a shit in there slows things down. The guy said that the guy is usually standing up when you blow him so you're not blowing them on the toilet. The guy said that he's gotten blown while someone is taking a shit in the next stall and it's not all that great with the smell and all.
The guy was going on a little too long about that stuff so Howard cut him off and let him go. Howard got back to the story for a couple of minutes but then brought up this book that's coming out where the author claims that Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead were gay lovers. Robin said she wanted it to be true but now they're saying that the source for the story is a known wacko so it may not be true at all.
Howard said he has so much to play today but he really has to get out of there. Artie told him that he could cover it all tomorrow so Howard said that's what he'd do.
Howard said he turned down a couple of movie and TV projects this week but he's not even sure what they were. He said his agent does that. He doesn't care though, he only wants to do really good movies if he does any at all.
Steve said that the web site FuckYouArtieLange.com has been relaunched so they'll have more about that. They're also looking for the driver of the car that drove Ralph around the other night out in the Hamptons. Howard said he knows some information about that story that could confirm who the driver was.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll talk about all of the Ralph stories that they were talking about earlier this morning. Howard interrupted and said that they're going to be screening people to do this Date Jackie's Wife thing they're going to be doing soon. He told Artie that he should be part of that. Howard said Nancy has agreed to come on the show to do it. He said that Artie could probably get in on that. If she was willing to date Jackie, Artie should be able to get her.
Jon said they'll be talking about Artie's 34 hour nap over the weekend that caused him to miss Isaac's wedding. They'll also talk about Sal's comments about Gary and Jon from earlier in the show on today's Wrap Up Show.
Howard said he was miserable during his vacation but one day he was watching TV and an old Addams Family episode came on. He said he was so happy when that was on. That led to Howard talking about how great that show was and how great The Munsters was. Howard said that The Munsters is number one on his list. He said that both of them were great, but The Munsters was the best. They were comparing characters from each of the shows for a few minutes. Howard had to go to break after that so he could wrap up and get out of there.
Howard said he thought that blow jobs should cure problems like that instead of causing them. He then thought about it and said that he did kind of get it when Beth was on her period. Howard said he may have to give Beth the bad news that she can't blow him anymore. Artie said he can't imagine having to do something like that to a dude. Robin said she can't imagine doing something like that to a woman.
Robin brought up Rob Zombie because his remake of Halloween made $31 million in its opening weekend. Richard Christy didn't like the movie but Howard did. Richard came in and said that the best thing about the original movie was that there was some mystery to the Michael Myers character. Now there's no mystery and it was all taken away.
Howard said he never saw the original movie so he couldn't judge it against the remake. Richard said that he went to see the movie with JD and all he heard was him whooping through the whole movie. He said that the dialog was all laughable so that's why he was whooping.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought the movie was pretty good. He said he thought the movie was really creepy and well done.
Another phone caller said that he saw Owen Wilson at a casino out in Vegas one time and when he said hello to him, Owen ran away. Howard said that maybe the guy was fucked up. That led to Howard and Artie talking about the heroin use again and Artie said he feels really bad for Owen.
Howard bropguht up a story about Andy Dick doing some weird stuff out at a club. He siad he was whipping out his dick and peeing out in public. He siad that guy might have a problem.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard started off the show saying that he's thinking of setting up this operation like Michael Vick had his dog thing set up. He could tie the staff up on a rape table and shock them when they do stuff wrong and things like that.
Howard said they'll be looking for men who want to date Jackie the Joke Man's ex-wife Nancy today. That led to the guys talking about Nancy and how she'll be coming in for the dial-a-date thing on a future date. Today they're going to be picking men for the dating thing. Howard and Robin talked about some of the things that Nancy did years ago when she was still with Jackie. Howard played a song that she wrote and wanted to sell to Debbie Gibson. It was a Christmas song.
Howard said there was also a clip of Jackie and Nancy on the Vin Scelsa show. He played that clip where Jackie was talking up a song he wrote as he started to play. He was asked if it was the Pot Song he was about to perform. Jackie said it wasn't that song, it was the Pot Song only slower. He and Nancy then sang the song together on that show. Robin wondered how they could have gotten a divorce because they got together so well and clicked on so many levels.
Howard said that Nancy called them and said she'd like to do this dating thing and Jackie is apparently okay with it. Howard said that she's a lovely woman but you'd have to put up with a lot of stuff. The guys talked about the way Jackie used to pay for everything but Nancy would say that she was his manager and she was getting paid so she was using her own money to do those things that they thought Jackie was paying for.
Artie said he was listening to the old stuff during the vacation and realized that Billy West also had a wife that managed him. He said he's not sure he could handle something like that himself. Howard and Robin said that Nancy called her production company Spinning Plates and there were a couple of other names for the production companies they used to run. They had Off Hour Rockers and Big Orange Marble and they were all for different things.
The guys were goofing on Jackie and Nancy about all of that stuff and how they were most likely sitting in different chairs next to each other in their house while they were running all of those different companies. Gary came in and said that Nancy's wife used to run the office so Jackie could never say anything to her. He said Jackie had a weird thing where he'd plug Nancy's stuff on the show and he'd never get the joke if they goofed on her.
Robin said Jackie didn't like when they goofed on his songs either. He wouldn't laugh when they were laughing at his songs. Howard went into another Nancy song after that and said that someone out there could be dating her and paying for all of her recording studio stuff.
Howard and Gary talked about how Nancy kind of wanted her own shot at making it big like Jackie was when he was on the show. Gary said she kind of felt like she should have a shot just like Jackie did. Artie said he was surprised that they didn't get a good manager to help them out back then when they were doing really well. Robin said there was a time when Nancy wasn't the manager and it was very confusing for them.
Howard played another Nancy song and goofed on that as well. Howard said that Nancy will be calling in today to help out with the screening of the guys who want to date her. Robin said she still looks good, she saw a recent picture of her not too long ago.
Howard said that Kenneth is the kind of guy who goes out and shits in the woods. He said he's not against Kenneth going out with Nancy but she apparently has a problem with it. Howard apologized and Ken said he'd get over it. He said he has to go work today so that's why he can't call in later.
Kenneth said he has to go work today but then said it was actually community service. He got caught driving his car without the Breathalyzer in it. He's had a couple of DUI arrests so he had a Breathalyzer thing installed into his car and he somehow worked it so he wouldn't have to blow into it. Howard said Ken was drinking so much that he was actually drinking while he was driving after starting the car.
Ken said that he was having a pint of Jack Daniels for lunch. He said he doesn't care. Howard asked him how the Breathalyzer thing works. Ken said it's wired into his ignition and you hold it to blow into it. Howard said that Ken is now claiming he's not drinking but he still has to do the community service thing. Artie said he had that years ago and it's really dehumanizing. Ken let out a goofy laugh when he heard that.
Artie asked Robin if she's going to give them any updates on the Jim Florentine thing. She wasn't talking though. Kenneth then said that he wanted to date Robin too. Robin said she's not available. Kenneth said that he stopped drinking a month ago so he's free to go out with her. Howard told him he had to get going but Ken said he had to go too. Howard told him that he'd ask Nancy about the date when she does come into the studio. Kenneth found it amazing that she turned him down already.
Howard said he used to think that Nancy had a thing for him. He said he used to ride his bike to their house years ago and he always fantasized that he'd show up there and Jackie would be away and Nancy would seduce him. He talked about the goofy clothes he used to wear on his bicycle and how she could strip him down. He said he's really a terrible guy and thinks with his penis.
Howard said that he and Beth got into an argument last night. He said that he always uses condoms and Beth ended up telling him that if she ever did get pregnant, she'd have to have the baby. Robin said she'd have to do that herself. She said she's all for women who feel they need to get an abortion but she'd have to keep the baby if she got pregnant.
Howard said he was looking at the notes on the rubber packaging where it says that the condoms are only 99 percent effective. Howard said he doesn't know how they could fail so Robin filled him in and told him that they can be used wrong.
Howard said that he asked Beth about the baby and said that if she did get pregnant, that would be the end of their relationship. He said that he told her he was going to pull out from now on so there's no chance of her getting pregnant. He said she felt that was terrible but he doesn't want to risk getting her pregnant. He said that would pretty much guarantee that she doesn't get pregnant.
Howard said Beth was complaining that it would ruin the whole thing if he pulled out like that. Howard said that's ridiculous because they're both almost done at that point and he'd just be pulling out a little early.
Artie asked Howard how his doctor's appointment went yesterday. Howard said he went to the doctor yesterday and had the doctor sticking his finger up his ass. He said he's pretty sure that he pulled out a plumb because the guy was washing his hands a lot afterward. Howard said he had a revelation yesterday and realized that this Prosthetitis thing he has could be caused by stress. He said he went back and looked in Dr. Sarno's book (Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection) and found that it can cause urinary tract problems so he started to laugh at that stuff. He said he is starting to feel better now.
Howard said that he's really all done having kids and he doesn't want to go through the whole thing again. That's why he's trying to avoid doing it again. He said he went through the whole thing already three times. Robin said that she remembers Howard calling his kids and saying goodnight to them back when they were working on the channel 9 show years ago and she didn't know how he had the energy to do it.
Howard said he would be very resentful if he had to devote more time to kids. He said he likes having Beth's attention devoted to him and he doesn't need a kid taking away that attention. He said he knows that's very selfish but that's what he needs.
Robin said that she had one slight scare in her life but it was just a late period. She said that she'd probably take herself out before she'd give up the baby. She said that she threatened to jump off her building if she got pregnant. She said she couldn't live with herself if she got an abortion.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's got some things he'd like to pitch for the show. He started to rattle off some ideas about a Deliverance spoof but Howard hung up on him and told him to leave the ideas to him. Artie said that movie was on TV recently and Ned Beatty deserves an Oscar every year based on what he went through.
Howard said that he was listening to some of the old shows over vacation and there was a great bit they did where Wood Yi got married.
King of All Blacks called in and told Howard he's being very selfish about the baby thing. Howard said he knows that it's selfish. He said that earlier. King asked him if he feels bad about that. Howard said he really doesn't. Artie thinks that Beth is thinking a lot about having a baby and maybe she really does want one. Howard said that they've talked about this stuff before and she knows that he doesn't want a baby. He said he wants Beth in his life but he doesn't want a baby.
Robin said that she agrees with Artie and things have changed as far as their getting married even though they sued to say there was no reason to do that. Now they're getting married. King said he knows Howard better than Howard does and he thinks that he actually wants a kid. He said he could get into his head and convince him of that. Howard said he doesn't want to have another kid. King interrupted and said that he knows that he's going to get her pregnant and he will stay with her.
King said that Howard will get her pregnant and then come on the radio and tell everyone he didn't know the rubber broke. Howard said that if it does happen, it will be an accident. He's had 3 kids already and he's done with that kind of thing. He said that being a father is a responsibility and you have to be involved.
King said that he took his kid on vacation and the kid ruined the vacation by throwing tantrums. Howard let him go after that. Artie said that he thinks that Howard could end up staying with Beth if she got pregnant and he'd do it because he'd want her to be happy.
Robin said that she knew someone who was in a similar situation and the woman wanted to have a kid and the guy didn't. They went to counseling and now they're married and have kids. Howard said he told Beth the other night that maybe they should go to counseling and figure all of that stuff out before they get married.
Robin said that this guy she was talking about had kids previously so that's why he didn't want to have more. Then he realized that he couldn't be away from this woman and had to keep her by having kids.
Howard said that he got a note from Jimmy Kimmel after revealing that he got teary eyed when Artie left his house during vacation. Jimmy asked Howard who he loves more, Artie or him. Howard said he wrote back and said that it was very gay. Jimmy came back with a comment about how Howard is in love with a couple of fat guys. Howard said he loves both of them.
Artie said that makes him jealous. He'd love to be able to sit at a sporting event with someone who played professionally. He asked if Martina ever got sexual and talked about some of the people on the court. Robin talked about some of the players she saw up close yesterday. She said they were almost on the court, in the President's box.
JD came in and said that he didn't see Robin on that coverage and the guy who did see Robin must have seen her in High-Def because he watched in standard def and didn't see her. Howard didn't know what he was talking about because he wasn't explaining himself very well.
Howard asked JD if he's seen his mother yet. He said that he has not seen her yet but he revealed that she's moved away from Hawaii and back to the States. She wanted to keep that a secret until now. She didn't want him saying anything on the show because the family does listen and she wanted it to be a surprise. JD said that she's staying in a place for 13 weeks to test it out and then she may stay there or move on to another place.
Howard asked JD if his mother called him and wanted to see him since she rarely does. JD laughed at most of Howard's questions. JD said he knows she's going to hate him for talking about this stuff. Howard said that's not a big deal since she hasn't exactly been pining away for him over the past 7 years. JD said she wants to see the West so she might move out to Arizona or somewhere like that.
Howard and Fred were goofing on JD's mother's Hawaiian husband and doing impressions of him while Hawaiian music played in the background. Howard asked JD if it's weird to see some other dude who's banging his mother. JD said he doesn't think about that stuff.
Howard said he wishes that his mother would meet someone on the internet. JD seemed to get a little upset with some of the comments they were making. Howard did his impression of JD talking to his mother's husband and goofed around with that a little bit. Fred was also doing a Tarzan-like voice for this Hawaiian guy.
JD said he should be able to see his mother around Thanksgiving time. Robin thought that they kept pushing their visit further and further up. JD said he doesn't have a lot of vacation time and she can't really just go moving around whenever she wants. JD said he didn't go to see his mother at the family reunion because he didn't have any money. Howard said he would have given him the money. JD said it's okay, he'll get to see her eventually.
Howard said he's glad that his mother is back to the mainland and he hopes he gets to see her more. Howard said that if his mother moved away to Hawaii and didn't visit him for 7 years, that would sound pretty odd to everyone. JD said it wasn't all her fault. He asked JD how old he was when she moved away. He said he was probably 21 or so. He hasn't seen her since 2002 or so. She did come back for his graduation so that was the last time he saw her.
Artie told JD that he must be bothered deep down that his mother went away and didn't come back to visit. He said he must be bottling that stuff up. JD said he tries not to think about that stuff and just goes on with his life. Robin said that's what bothers him. The stuff they don't want to think about is the stuff that bothers you.
Artie said he thought his writing looked like the Zodiac killer or something like that. Howard said it was kind of funny to see the scribbling on there with the nice script at the top saying ''Artie Lange.'' Howard read the note and laughed as he was reading through it. The letter was kind of funny but also kind of sad. Artie wrote the letter to Isaac and his wife after missing their wedding over the weekend. Artie slept right through it.
Howard also pointed out that Artie wrote his name and then signed his name at the bottom of the letter. Lisa asked if they think that Isaac's wife is going to return the check after they went through that. Lisa thinks that there's no amount of money that could make up for him missing out on their wedding. Artie actually slept for 34 hours over the weekend and that's how he missed the wedding.
Howard asked Artie what makes him think that Lisa is into him. Artie said that she gives him some stares and stuff. Lisa said that there is a small chance that if Artie got some help, that she could date him. She said that he'd have to go into counseling though. She said that she can't date a guy who is stuck in a thick forest of bullshit. Howard said that's just about every guy, no wonder she's not dating.
Lisa said that they're looking for Artie to join The Biggest Loser show so he can lose some weight. Artie said they call him every year and he turns that down every year. He said that it would be over for him at that point. He said he'd rather do shitty stand-up gigs for the rest of his life before he'd do that. Howard and the guys said that this isn't even the celebrity weight loss show, this is the regular one. He wasn't even going to be with the celebrities. Artie said that maybe it was a ''Biggest Celebrity Loser'' show or something like that.
Lisa said that they'll have some more news on Jeff the Drunk. They'll also have a story about Scott the Engineer appearing on the Miserable Men show on Sunday night. Scott revealed that he was a swinger back in the 1970's. Howard had to find out more about that because he found it hard to believe. Scott came in and told Howard about what went down back then and how he and another couple swapped women. He said that they used to travel with the other couple and used to share hotel rooms and stuff. He said that one night they were hanging out and smoked some weed. They ended up dragging him into the shower and they ended up doing their thing.
Howard and the guys were goofing on Scott about all of the swinging stuff. Scott said that was very fun back then. He knows it's not for everyone but he had a lot of fun. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was reading about The View in the paper today and they really get too much attention. He said they were writing about Whoopi Goldberg's first day on the show. She was actually defending Michael Vick and people were saying that she was really speaking her mind. He said that everyone was carrying on about the whole thing and all she was doing was giving her opinion on the story.
Howard played the clip of Whoopi talking about how that type of thing is something that Vick grew up with, that's why it wasn't a big deal to him. All of the girls were cackling on and on about the story. Howard said that she's right about that but they get way too much attention on that show. Howard goofed on the article about the show and how ridiculous it is that they were carrying on so much about Whoopi and her comments.
Howard said he was out one night at a party and they didn't have any bathrooms for them to use so he and Beth both had to go find a lawn to piss on. He said it was the P. Diddy party. That led to Howard talking about some other parties and how they turn people down from coming to the party. They press release that information which is really weird.
Howard said that Jerry Lewis is getting slammed in the news for making an anti-gay slur during the telethon over the weekend. He said that no one seems to care about his apology or even about the telethon though. He said he has a whole Jerry Lewis page on his computer.
Howard played the clip where Jerry calls the cameraman an ''illiterate fag...'' and cut himself off as it was coming out. Then he goes on to introduce Abba. He was just goofing on the cameraman but it sounded like he knew he'd made a big mistake at that point.
Artie talked about working with Don Rickles on Dirty Work and how he was making fun of a guy by doing a gay voice and making fun of the guy's name.
Howard said he was surprised to hear that Nancy wanted to do this dial-a-date thing. She said she just wanted to go on a date, she didn't want to do the whole dial-thing. Howard said that he thought it was funny that Nancy dumped Jackie's ass when he left the show. She said it actually happened before that. No one knew that though.
Howard asked Nancy if she was banging any of the dudes in her band back when she was still with Jackie. She jokingly said she was doing them all but said she actually wasn't banging any of them. Howard asked Nancy how she's looking these days. She said she still thinks she looks good. Howard heard that she was still dating Jackie once in a while. She said that they are still very good friends. Howard said he heard that she links to everyone's web site but not to Jackie's.
Howard said that Nancy actually opened up for Taylor Hicks a few weeks ago. She said that was very cool. Howard asked Nancy if she and Jackie are legally divorced or not. She said that they are legally separated and they never got the full divorce. Howard said he heard that Jackie gave her some of their houses when they split. She said that he did do that. Howard said she is a good looking woman and she must have some money.
Howard said that Nancy is a good woman but there are some negatives. He said that she will probably manage the guy and they'll have to put up some money for her recording studio stuff. Howard said that Jackie may be in your life a little bit too. Jackie still dates her and Nancy said that if you are in her life, you do have to accept Jackie into your life as well.
Howard said he was shocked when this dating thing came up and even more shocked when Jackie asked him if he'd be up for it. Nancy said she was shocked as well. Howard told her that they're going to do a screening process today and then they'll have her in to pick from 3 guys they have in the studio. Howard told her that he was going to pick some guys on the phone and let Nancy pick a few.
Howard asked Nancy what she was wearing. She said she had a t-shirt and jeans on. Howard was thinking she didn't have a bra on but she said for TV she wears one. Howard asked Nancy if she's banged any other guys since Jackie. She said she was dating a guy after Jackie so she has gotten laid. Howard said that if Jackie had let him bang Nancy, he'd probably still have a job there.
Howard asked Nancy about the Kenneth Keith thing. She said that was a no. Howard then went to the phones and had Irish John on the phone. John said he has a great career in the construction field and he's worth about $300,000 or so. He said that he only drinks about twice a month or so. He said he usually drinks at games and stuff like that. He's 38 years old. Artie said he can vouch for John and he's a good guy. He said he's a very responsible guy. Howard said that he thinks Artie should date her. Howard said that Artie is a good guy.
Nancy asked John some questions and found out that John can get in on some Yankee games and has really good seats. Howard said he finds John's personality to be kind of dull but Nancy was going to let him play. Howard was going to go to the next call but Nancy asked if she had to say yes to the first three callers. Howard told her to say no if she felt weird about something.
Up next was this guy Pauly who calls in and yells at Henry Hill when he's on the show. The guy said he's 54 years old so Howard asked Nancy if she was up for that. Pauly said that he's not in the mafia, he works as a graphic designer. He said he was let go from his job of 13 years after they did some downsizing but he's back to work. Artie said that he knows this guy too so he can vouch for him as well. Pauly said he was married twice but doesn't have any kids.
Artie asked Pauly what his net worth is. Pauly laughed and asked if it really makes a difference. Nancy said it doesn't to her but to Howard it did. Pauly told Nancy that if they went out, he'd take her to a nice place. Pauly said that he lives out in Cleveland, Ohio right now but he will be back in New York soon. Nancy said she wouldn't mind dating someone from Cleveland. She let him play the game as well. Howard said he knows that Pauly is no pussy. He showed up in the studio back in 2003 when Henry Hill failed to show up.
Howard said that he had Wood Yi on the phone to get in on the dating thing. She said no as soon as he started talking. She knew him already since Jackie worked with him for years. It was just clips of Wood Yi so Howard had some fun with them for a short time. Nancy said she forgot that he was on satellite now and can say things like ''fuck.'' She turned Wood Yi down for the dating game. Artie said that he knows that guy as well and he thinks he'd be great for Nancy. She said she was going to turn down the first two if that was the case.
Howard said he had another guy on the phone. This guy was just a random caller, not a regular caller like John and Pauly. The guy, Greg, said he was checking Nancy out on her web site and thought she looked good. He said he played lead guitar for Anthrax and Metallica back in the 1980s. He's now into real estate and doing just fine. The guy said that he was playing with Metallica when Dave Mustaine was still in the band. He said he's been told he looks like John Bon Jovi. He said he's got a bit of a mullet going on but not really. Howard asked the guy why he's not married. He said he lived with a woman for 7 years but he's always involved with music so things don't work out.
Howard asked Nancy what she thought about this guy. Nancy said she was going to pass on Greg because she didn't want to pick the first three guys who called. Howard told Greg he was out then. Nancy said that the mullet thing kind of turned her off. Greg said he was just kidding about that, he doesn't have a mullet.
Howard put Greg on hold and took another call from a guy, Dennis, who got into a conversation with her about their backgrounds. Howard Dennis him talk to her for a few seconds and then asked him some questions himself. The guy was 44 years old and owns a cigar business. He said that he never got married because he was focusing on the cigar business. The guy threw out a comment about making her money the hard way. She turned him down immediately after that.
Howard was going to give Nancy one more guy before he wrapped up. He gave her a choice of the guys on the phone and she picked a guy from Queens, New York. Howard told the guy, Phil, that if he gets to bang Nancy, they can ask him about it. Phil then said that he's 25 and still lives with his parents. He mentioned that he could also date Robin and do a threesome. All of that led to Howard hanging up on him.
Howard went to one more call for Nancy since that guy didn't work out. He got Frank on the phone and let him pitch himself to Nancy. The guy said he just got out of the hospital, his wife had the worst accident ever. He said that she's dying in the hospital and if she dies he may get some good insurance money. He said he'll be rich and he'll make her all kinds of CDs and stuff. The guy said that he wasn't kidding about the wife. He said he has a $500,000 insurance policy on her. Howard hung up on him a short time later. He knew Nancy wasn't going to go for him.
Howard took one more call from Mike. Mike said he's getting a divorce and he's fresh out of it so he's looking for something new. He said he has a daughter. He said that he's a contractor so Howard told him that's good because Nancy likes having studios built. She said she likes carpenters. Robin asked what happened to the marriage. He said that people change and that was about it for the explanation. Nancy asked him if he smokes. He said he doesn't smoke cigarettes, but he might smoke pot once in a while.
Howard asked Nancy who she wanted to pick. She was going to keep Mike, Greg and Pauly but then they reminded her about the Yankee tickets that John had. Nancy said she wanted to keep Pauly. She thought about it for a short time and tried to pick three guys that she wanted to play the dial-a-date game. She kept Mike, Pauly and John. Greg was going to lose out on the date so Howard got him back on the line and asked him to play guitar. He played a little bit and then Howard hung up on him.
Howard said he had a mystery man on the phone who wanted to date her. It was High Pitch Eric. He said he's got a job in construction now and he wanted to date her. He threw in a plug for Stern Syndicate radio before Howard hung up on him.
Howard took a call from someone playing clips of Tracy Morgan trying to get a date with Nancy. He had him saying all kinds of stuff about pussy farts, stretch marks and things like that. Nancy passed on that date.
Howard wrapped up with Nancy and said they'd see her soon. She'll be in next week to do the Dial-a-Date thing. Howard let her go and sang some of her songs.
The guys goofed on Scott about the whole anal thing and did impressions of him talking about what he was going to do with that money if he had gone through with it. Howard was trying to imagine what his conversation with his son must have been like. He had Artie laughing his ass off. Dominic was still on the phone laughing as well. They were relentlessly goofing on Scott about it.
Howard had Scott come in to talk about the family discussion he had about that whole anal thing. Artie said he would have paid Scott $250,000 just to hear that conversation with his family. Scott said he didn't remember the whole thing. He was laughing his ass off at the whole situation too.
the guys asked Scott how the whole thing came up. Scott said that KC was calling the Wack Packers asking them what they'd do for a lot of money. That led KC asking him if he'd take anal for $100,000 and he said yes. That eventually led to him bumping it up to $250,000 after they talked about putting it on TV. Gary asked Scott what happened that made him back out of the whole thing. Scott said that it was his son getting goofed on at school that made him realize it wasn't worth it.
Howard asked Scott if he'd do it now for $500,000. Scott said he's done with that, he's not going there again. Artie threw out $2 million. Scott rejected the offer. Howard had to take a break after that.
Bam said that one of the things they did was pull out Don Vito's teeth with his Lamborghini. He said that Don can't eat now that he has no teeth. He said they got Don some new teeth but it wasn't for 5 months after that. Howard asked how they did that to his teeth. Bam said they got some fishing string and tied it to the back of the Lambo and just took off, ripping the teeth out of his mouth. He said the full teeth came out too, they didn't break. Bam said the guy does it just because he likes having girls recognize him.
Howard said he was on Bam's web site and he took some beautiful naked pictures of Melissa. Howard asked her about the photo shoot and she said that she got comfortable with it after a while. She had a friend there to help her through it. Bam said that Playboy approached him and he had to go for it because it was like a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Melissa said that the full nude pictures were leaked even though they weren't supposed to be released. She said that the completely naked shots weren't supposed to be released. She said one of the jerkoffs that was there was taking those and said they weren't going to be released.
Howard said he heard that Bam and Melissa almost broke up already. Melissa said that's bullshit. He heard Melissa wanted him in rehab and he refused. Bam said that it was half true and explained what had actually happened. He said that he's still drinking and didn't go to rehab. Melissa didn't almost break up with him though. Bam said he got some advice from Brett Michaels from Poison and he told him to drive across the country and not talk to anyone.
Howard said he sees that Bam and Steve O can get endorsement deals but he can't get one himself. He doesn't understand that. Howard then read an e-mail from someone who asked Bam to move out of Westchester, Pennsylvania because he's drawing way too much attention to the area. Howard said he'd be afraid to have him as a neighbor. Bam said that he bought a lot of land figuring that he'd be okay if he didn't have any neighbors. He said the township supervisor watches him all the time and they want him to tear down the skateboard ramp he's got in his yard because it's dangerous. That's the whole idea though.
Bam said that they get on him about zoning and about him doing his radio show from his house and things like that. He said he feels like he's got Hitler living across the street from him. He said that he can't skate on his skateboard ramp because of that woman across the street from him. He said that if they really want to mess with him, and stop him from taping on his property, he's going to have all of the people in his community come over to his house and party it up for a year straight.
Bam mentioned one of the things he does in Jackass 2 1/2. He said that it was called Anal Bead Kite. Artie wanted to guess exactly what it was and got it right when he said that they put anal beads in a dude, tie a kite to it and try to fly it in strong wind. Bam said he did that himself and knew that he was going to lose some fans by shoving something up his ass like that.
Howard said he read that Johnny Knoxville is in a kind of weird thing with Owen Wilson. Bam said that Johnny likes to mess with Luke Wilson even though he likes him. He likes to bust his balls and now Johnny doesn't want to do it since Owen had his suicide scare. Bam said Johnny said he'll probably lay off for about 2 weeks before he goes back to goofing on him.
Howard asked Bam about his Uncle, Don Vito, and how he's doing with his legal problems. Bam said he's doing okay but he's still not out of trouble completely. Bam got into trouble himself in New Hope, Pennsylvania. He said he had a meter maid write him a ticket for the way he parked and then accused him of drinking even though he was sipping on an iced tea. He said he had 2 hours on the meter and didn't deserve the ticket in the first place.
Howard asked Bam about this kid who paid $6,800 to hang out with him. Bam said that he does that quite a bit and sometimes it's tough to hang out with kids who are shy and have nothing to say. The last one worked out really well though.
Bam said that he's been hanging out with porn star Gina Lynn lately. Howard asked if they ever do anything with her. Melissa said she's not into doing other chicks so they don't go there.
Howard asked about how Melissa was strip searched when they went to Dubai for their honeymoon. Bam said that it was a woman who did the search did it without gloves on. Bam said that they were searching every single thing when they flew into the country. He said they may have read something on PerezHilton.com that joked about them taking drugs into the country. Bam said he didn't mind stripping down himself. He said they were in there for about 2 1/2 to 3 hours getting their balls busted.
Howard asked Melissa about the strip search she got. She said she was brought into a room where she had to stand in a yellow box drawn on the floor. She had her passport taken from her and then had to strip down in front of this woman who was in full Arab garb. She was covered from head to toe and only her eyes could be seen. She said she had some boy shorts on and a bra and the woman then asked her to remove all of that. All of the clothes were on a table and they shook them all out. She was then asked about her family. She had no idea why she was asked about that.
Melissa said that the woman then put her hands on both butt cheeks and then spread them apart without warning. She said that she didn't touch her vagina or anything but she did look in her panties to see if she had anything hidden. She said that she did get poked in the ass with her ungloved fingers. She said that she was totally freaked out after that and wanted to go home.
Artie said she was sexually violated. Bam said they got to the resort after that but it was a really bad first impression of Dubai when they got there. Melissa said that her name was still Rothstein when they flew there and it must have really pissed them off since it was a Jewish last name.
Bam said that he was up on the roof of the hotel one day and Melissa was out sunbathing. He went out and ate her out live on the roof and a few minutes later he saw like 5 construction workers watching them. They were really far away but they did see them doing it there.
Howard gave Bam a plug for his new CD/DVD release ''Bam Margera Presents: Viva La Bands, Vol. 2'' and played some of the tunes that were on the CD. Bam said that he tries to help out the bands with their videos and stuff because he already owns the film equipment. He said he loves music and he wants to do what he can to help them out.
Howard said that Bam thinks that the Swedish music scene is the next big thing so that's what they have a lot of on the album. Bam had Howard play one track that he thought Howard would like. Howard played the track and liked what he heard.
Howard said that there's a tour based on the album as well. You can find out more about that at VivaLaBands.com. Howard asked Bam if he'd ever heard of Caninus the band. Bam said he had heard about it but hadn't heard the music. He played some of that for Bam before taking some phone calls.
A guy called in and asked Bam about banging Jessica Simpson. Bam didn't want to go there tody with Melissa there. Howard said that Bam had talked about it on the air one other time but he had to back track after Jessica's father called him.
Howard gave Bam a couple more plugs for the album, his web site and his SIRIUS radio show which airs Monday nights on Faction 28. He told Melissa she looked better than ever and wrapped up with them a short time later.
Howard said that Richard had come up with all kinds of ways to create feedback when he makes prank calls. He played one call where Richard had all kinds of low, vibrating noises feeding back whenever he'd start to talk. He eventually cleared that up and told the host what he was calling in about and how he deals with stress by jacking off. They cut him off and told him he has to call in after 11 o'clock to talk about stuff like that.
Howard said that he loves those Crocodile Dundee movies. He loves the second one the most and watched it over vacation. He told the guys about one scene where Dundee's wife is kidnapped and he gets a gang together to assist him. The gangs are always multi-racial in the movies though so they were all nice and dressed up in their gloves.
Howard got to the Jerry Lewis Telethon stuff that he started to get into earlier in the show. He said that Jerry is 81 years old now so no one takes it too seriously when he calls his cameraman a fag. Howard read through some articles about the whole thing before getting to the audio clips.
Howard explained how Jerry and Ed McMahon do this bit where Jerry gets upset when people interrupt him. He played a clip where Ed and Jerry were talking about the interruption thing but it makes no sense and Ed can barely get a thought out.
Howard played another clip where Jerry was introducing the next segment and Ed interrupts him again. Artie said that the whole thing was embarrassing. Howard said you'd have to give him a TV that wasn't able to change channels to make him watch that. He played more clips of Ed and Jerry doing their interrupting thing. Artie said that he wants to become a filmmaker and go to that telethon next year and sit in the audience and film the people who are laughing at that stuff.
Howard played another clip where Jerry introduced his son's band Gary Lewis and the Playboys. His son then performs a song that was awful. Artie said he didn't know that was his son. That led to Howard having Fred play some of that groups other awful songs from years ago.
Howard took a call from a guy who got Howard started on the amount of commercials they used to run over at K-Rock. They talked about the old days when they were running 20 minutes of commercials per hour over there and Tom refused to back down and cut it down to 18 minutes.
Howard said that Teddy kind of started out just filling Artie's iPod with music and that worked out to him being his assistant. Artie said that he gets compensated very well for that stuff. Howard played some of the audio from the Wrap Up Show where Gary came in and said that Teddy is supposed to be his personal assistant and wondered if he should have reminded him about the wedding that he missed over the weekend. Teddy also came in at that time and said that he's really not in charge of that kind of thing.
Howard said it's all funny to him because it's not really clear to Teddy as to what he's supposed to be doing. He said it's kind of a hazy job description. Artie said it's not hazy at all. Howard played another clip where Teddy claims that he's disorganized and he may never be organized. He also told Artie that he may never live up to his expectations.
Howard played a clip where Artie asked Teddy if he thinks he could ever be organized. Teddy said if he got paid enough, and could quit his job there at SIRIUS, he could probably do it in a month or so. Artie was claiming that he was trying to teach Teddy how to do things in his life but he was saying some crazy stuff to him.
Howard said that in Teddy's defense, he was never an assistant. Artie said that Teddy was the one who came to him and asked him to do the whole assistant thing. He didn't ask Teddy to do it. Howard said that he has an assistant but there are still some things that you have to do yourself.
Robin said that there was one discussion they had about Teddy sitting out in his car for two hours one day when he was asked to come over to Artie's apartment. Howard said he heard that Teddy was saying that the story about how he became his assistant was wrong. He said that Artie asked him to come over to his apartment and he asked him to do some stuff for him.
Artie said that he wanted to tell the story about him being drunk on New Year's Eve. Teddy said he told that story yesterday but Artie went into it anyway. Artie said that Teddy set him up to do everything for this show at the Tower Theater. He said Teddy got ossified drunk that night and when they got in the limo to head home, Teddy was really drunk. Instead of being able to relax in the car, he had Teddy and his girlfriend arguing in the car for the whole ride home. He said he almost kicked them out of the limo because they were so annoying. He said he asked Ted the next day why he got drunk. Teddy told him it was because it was New Year's Eve.
Howard said that maybe Artie needs a professional personal assistant and Teddy should move on too. He asked Teddy what he thinks about all of that. Teddy said that he doesn't want the pay cut by quitting his job there at SIRIUS. He said Artie deserves better than him. Artie said Teddy brought up how he wants to quit after all of that.
Howard asked Artie what he wants Teddy to do. Artie said he needs to arrange for his comedy gigs and make sure everyone gets paid. He also needs to set up his work schedule and things like that. He said he's had enough fuck ups that he can't trust the guy. He said he got a call from Teddy yesterday telling him what he had coming up as far as work. He ran down the list of stuff he had to do and mentioned he was going to be doing a corporate gig. He said that was coming up next week so they had to get going on that. Artie said Teddy had the date wrong though, it wasn't next week, it's October 9th. He called Ted and asked him about the corporate gig. It turns out Teddy was wrong so Artie went off on him about that.
Teddy said that he's really worried about that stuff and he gets shaky thinking about it. Howard told him that maybe this isn't his type of thing and he shouldn't be doing that job. Howard said that it's just too many mistakes and he shouldn't be fucking things up like that. Robin said that Artie needs a full time worker to do this stuff.
Howard heard that Teddy had some credit card problems. Teddy said he did get into some financial problems with his credit cards. Artie said that he had that and also owns a motorcycle that he just bought. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Artie makes mistakes in his life and he has financial problems too so he shouldn't be pulling this job away from him. Artie said that he could have fired him on New Year's Eve but he didn't. He's given him a lot of breaks with that stuff.
Howard took a call from Bong Hit Eric who said that Artie needs someone who specialists in guys like him and goofed on him by quoting Artie's letter to Isaac. Teddy told Artie that he really does need someone more professional. He said that he'll call Artie and Artie will yell at him on the phone and it freaks him out completely. He said he can't even remember what day it is when that happens.
Artie found it hard to believe that Teddy isn't more willing to put more effort into this. He said that Teddy has so many perks doing this job. He said that Teddy has been to the Playboy mansion, he's been to south Beach with him twice and he has gotten free rooms in Las Vegas and other huge places like that. Artie said Teddy even knows what he makes because he's in charge of getting the money for him.
Artie said he took Teddy to the Playboy mansion and it's a very stressful gig to do stand-up there. He said that Teddy ended up getting high out there at the mansion. Artie said he told him that he was at the Playboy mansion so he had to get high. That was his excuse for doing that. Artie said that was in the beginning though. Teddy said that the last few gigs have worked out okay though. Artie said they have been okay but he didn't make it to Pittsburgh. Teddy said that's because they wouldn't let him off the plane that was delayed due to weather.
Howard heard that Teddy told Tim, Ross and Jason the wrong time to go see Artie there at Caroline's one night. Teddy said that he told them what time Artie was going to be on but Caroline's changed the time at the last minute. Artie said that he should just tell them what time the show starts and they get there when the show starts instead of coming in the middle of the show.
Howard wrapped up with the guys sand said that he had to move on. Artie said he really doesn't want to fire Teddy and he's not fired at this point. He said he thinks the guy is funny and maybe he should be a comedy writer or something.
Steve said that they also have a story about Artie's possible trip to Iraq to do a comedy show for the troops. Steve said he may go with Artie if he goes over there. Howard told Steve that he really should go along with him.
Steve said that High Pitch Mike went to an American Idol concert all by himself. He said they'll have an interview with him. Steve said they're also going to speak to Martin Bashir about the new show he's putting together using clips of Howard.
Steve said that they're still trying to find out who the driver was driving Ralph around in the Hamptons the night he blacked out. Artie said there's something very odd about that whole story.
Howard had Jon Hein go through his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll talk about Nancy Sirianni's call to the show today. They'll also be talking about Bam Margera's visit. They'll be talking about Scott the Engineer's swinging stories as well.
Steve the Intern came in and said they'll have the new interns talking to the old interns to get some advice about how to handle their new jobs. Howard went to break right after that.
Howard said that Joey Boots is going to be in tomorrow. Artie said that he called him asking to be his assistant and he was serious about it.
Howard had Robin start her news a short time later. Robin read through a few stories about Halle Berry, Britney Spears, obesity, a prisoner being put to death in Texas, Mother Theresa's death anniversary, a possible Led Zeppelin tour, various political stories, Whoopi Goldberg's first day on The View and a few other stories. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Howard started off the show talking about how Rob Zombie had directed him in the opening theme song ''Great American Nightmare.'' He quickly moved on to talk about some pictures that were in the tabloids and how he was in one set that showed how he wasn't very taught like Beth is. He said he's not going back to Miami ever again thanks to that experience.
Howard read that Playboy turned down Britney Spears but he doesn't believe it. He said that would be a big seller for them. Howard said that there's a picture of Jennifer Aniston on the beach in one picture and he doesn't believe that she's that hot. Artie said he's been hot for her lately though. He said that he's never really been attracted to her before but lately he has been.
Howard said that Artie got a modeling card from a 20 year old at the Tom Petty concert. Artie said he called her but didn't get into that too much. He got back to Jennifer Aniston and talked about how hot she is to him lately.
Robin said that she's seen some celebrity women lately who don't look very natural with their face lifts and she doesn't understand why they do it. Howard said he's thought about doing it in the future but he's not sure if he could do it. He said he's seen some women who have had minor face lifts and they don't look all that bad.
Artie said that he used to work on the same set that the ''Friends'' cast were working at and he used to see Jennifer show up in her bicycle shorts and stuff. He said that they used to pull up about 10 feet from their parking spots and the security guard would park cars for them. He said she used to look great when she'd show up. Howard told Gary to book Jennifer for a date with Artie.
Howard said that Lisa Lampanelli is going to be in today too. She wants to read some of the jokes from the Flavor Flav roast that she did because most of them got cut out.
Howard played a clip from the U.S. Open where a guy yells out ''Baba Booey'' in the middle of a match. He had another clip from a news report where a guy was yelling out Baba Booey over a live report.
Howard said he watched a special on Howard TV where they profiled people in a ''Where Are They Now'' special. They had Celeste, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and Amy Lynn. He said it was pretty interesting and he had to give the Howard TV guys credit for that. He talked about Amy Lynn and what she's up to these days. She's a 39 year old mother now. Steve Grillo was also on that show. Howard and the guys talked about the way Grillo got beat up, verbally, by Tracy the office manager.
Howard played another message from Hate Man where he went off on Robin saying he wanted to pound her pussy while getting a high colonic from Dr. Roni. He went on to say he wanted to have Robin lick his asshole and stuff like that. He was yelling at her to suck him and then the call gets cut off because he used up his time in the voice mail.
Artie said he likes that Hate Man came up with the $13 a month to do that. Howard joked that he has a good job of a School Guidance Counselor.
Artie said that he had to talk about Howard TV because they get on some good stuff that they never could have gotten on the E! show. He said that there was one show where Stuttering John was talking about finding maggots in his orange juice and they're going to play that sometime soon. Howard said they also have the Daniel Carver Cribs show up there this month. He said that's another good one. You can check the schedule for all of that at Howard.tv
Howard changed subjects and said that comedian Eddie Griffin was hired to do a stand-up gig and after he used the N-word, he was cut off and thrown off the stage. He read that Eddie gave them all an F-you when he got pulled off stage. The guy who pulled him off got a standing ovation. Howard said he thinks that's crazy. Eddie is known for using the N-word in his act and you don't hire someone and throw them off stage and then press release it.
Artie said that he did a corporate gig one time for Circuit City and SIRIUS and he was told he could be dirty if he wanted but 10 minutes in he was cut off. He said it was very embarrassing but they had to pay him even though he didn't do the whole act.
Howard said he was thinking of Sour Shoes the other day and how he got his name from his smelly feet. He said he has some shoes that he wears during the summer without any socks and they really stink. He went to the doctor the other day and had to take them off and they really smell.
Robin said that she was doing an interview the other day and they asked her about former employees. She said that they used to have a guy who had smelly feet but they could never tell him. Howard said they had someone else tell him that his feet smelled bad. She used to give him a ride to work and had to put her windows down in the middle of winter. Howard thought it was his ass that smelled. Robin said they smelled like garbage.
Howard said that this guy Michael Imperioli from The Sopranos has an acting studio in the city and someone set off a bomb outside the studio. He said that it seems like someone is trying to send him a message. He said that Imperioli is just an actor and he's not a real mob guy so he's all freaked out by it. He said that it could be a disgruntled ex-student or something like that. Robin said she thought it could be a random act but she wasn't sure.
Howard said people ask him to do stuff but then they don't give him any information. He then read that they could send more information about the charity. He was going to plug it but there was no information in the note from the assistant. Gary said it looked like it was an Earth Day auction that was taking place today.
Howard said that he was talking to his daughter about this Art Buchwald and how he had been in contact with him before he died. As he was talking about that Fred interrupted and said he was reading about this auction that Chevy Chase is involved with. One of the auctions was to spend a day with Cameron Diaz. There was another one which was a lunch with Chevy and Bill Clinton. There was also a paddling trip with Christie Brinkley.
Howard said he was watching this movie ''Spies Like Us'' that was really funny to him. He said he watched it last night and it was really funny. He said he was laughing his balls off at the half hour of the movie that he saw. Artie said it was pretty funny and he might have to watch it again.
Howard said he was alone last night because Beth was out for Fashion Week. He said that she was dressed in a nice outfit with some fuck-me shoes on. He said that some guy is going to hit on her dressed like that but she went out anyway.
Howard asked Fred what the web site was where he found the Chevy Chase auction stuff. Fred tried to answer him but Gary interrupted and said it was CharityBuzz.com. Howard said that he'd be interested in hanging out with Cameron Diaz on the set sometime. Howard saw some of what Fred was looking at and saw that Ben Stiller was on the screen. There was an auction to go see the remake of ''Heartbreak Kid'' with Ben. Gary said that movie is a sponsor of the show.
Howard said he's taking a break from Chess these days because he gets so stressed out over it. He said he watched Eddie Murphy in ''48 Hours'' last night. He watched some of that ''Spies Like Us'' and some other movies. He cut himself off and said that one of the Wachowski brothers, who made The Matrix, got a sex change operation. He had some pictures of the guy and showed the guys what he looks like now. The guys were all shocked. They said he looks like Siobhan the Transsexual. Howard said some guys can pull off looking like a woman but not that guy.
Howard said it was Larry who got the operation and he's become Lana now. He said that the guy is now a full time ''Shim.'' Howard said that's cool and it's one less guy with a dick to compete with.
Howard said he thinks his voice changed when he stopped caring so much about what he sounded like and what kind of content he had on his show. He said his best radio came out after that. Robin said that she's a great singer and no one will ever know because she can't sing when she gets on the air. Robin said that she used to sing in the shower in college and people would sit outside the bathroom and listen to her. Fred said they were sitting there because they had to take a shit but Robin insisted it was her singing.
Fred played some of Pavarotit's stuff and Howard sang along with it. Then Fred played Robin singing a Sheryl Crow song. She sounded awful. Fred played some cat sounds as that was playing.
Howard played some of Tracy the office manager yelling at Steve Grillo before he had to go to break.
Howard said he had some new stuff to play today including Jackie Martling's new album. He said he's not sure how old Jackie is. Gary came in and said he thinks that he's 59. Howard said it seems like Jackie is into jug band music and stuff like that. He had to get into it before doing other things. Jackie even has his ex-wife performing on the new album, ''Happy Endings.''
Howard said Jackie has remade some of his old songs too. He played one song and said he loves the guy but he really can't sing. He said that Jackie recorded it right in his home town of Bayville, Long Island. He played another one of his songs and said it was beautiful but he was laughing as he said it. In that track it sounded like they were playing ping pong in the background with the sounds they had.
Howard mentioned that Jackie's Joke Hunt is on tonight on Howard 101. He gets a lot of phone calls during that show. Artie said the show is really good and it's amazing how many jokes he can come up with about the weekly subjects he has.
Howard played another song where Jackie sings about being out on the road. The guys then tried to interpret what Jackie was talking about with his lyrics. Artie got it and explained it to them but even he wasn't sure that was the right interpretation of the lyrics.
Howard wondered if Jackie is going to press the albums himself and send them out to everyone. Robin said of course he is, he already sent Howard one. Gary said that he remade the Beer Song so Howard found that one on the CD and played it. He said it didn't sound like the same song. Robin said it was updated, that's why it didn't sound the same. Howard said he liked the original version.
Gary told Howard about ''The Ballad Of The Traveling Salesman'' which is a song where Jackie tells a joke in the song. Howard said it was going to be tough to get through. It started off with a harmonica and Howard said that just delays Jackie from getting to the punch line in the song. He tells the joke in the song but Howard said that even though Jackie is talented in what he does, it never pays off for him.
Howard played a little more of the song and Robin said that she wanted to hear the end of the joke in the song. Gary said it goes on for like 12 minutes. Howard cut off the song and played Jackie's old Beer Song which was the original one. The speed of the song was a bit faster and the new one was like a serious version of that old song.
Howard said that Jackie's album has little pictures of him but they're like caricatures of him when he was 14 because there are no wrinkles on his face. He said that Jackie was a handsome kid but once he went to college, it was all over.
Gary said that they have Jackie explaining one of his songs on his Tuesday night show. Howard went into that and Jackie says that he played the song for a friend and they really liked it. Some of the guys laughed when they heard that. They goofed on Jackie a little bit about that stuff. Artie said he must sell some albums, otherwise why would he make them. Gary said ''Ego...''
Howard played more of the Jackie clip and it was the song that he'd played earlier. The guys goofed on Jackie some more before Howard had Lisa G come in to do her Howard 100 News preview. Fred played an old Jimmy Buffet song that sounded very similar to Jackie's song.
Howard said he read that Jim Cramer was endorsing SIRIUS stock on his show Mad Money last night. The stock hit $3.01 yesterday so it's up a little bit. Howard read some more e-mail and someone went off on Howard about goofing on Jerry Lewis. There were also some people who didn't want to hear Artie and Teddy fighting on the air anymore. Some people didn't like Bam and Melissa Margera on the show. There was one positive e-mail about that.
Howard wanted to know if Bam was bad on the show, he thought he was good. Gary thought he was good too. Howard asked Jason what he thought. Jason told him that he'd give him a 6 on a scale of 10. He said he was okay and kind of interesting at first. Howard wanted to know what Will thought. Will said he'd give him an 8. Howard said he thought he was interesting and his wife was hot.
Howard read some e-mail about Bam's appearance. There were a couple of negative ones. Someone wrote in about Howard's rant about not having kids. They said that it sounded just like his rant about not getting married again. Howard said that they're probably going to get married next summer. He said he only wants maybe 20 friends at the wedding and nothing big. He told Sal that he's out and Jon Hein would probably be in. He said that they may do something with the family, but just close family, and then do a dinner party with friends. He doesn't want a big deal made out of it. Howard said he really doesn't want anyone there.
Howard said that they're not going to go that deep with the guest list so a lot of family is going to be left out. He said that Robin would be there but he's not sure who else he would invite. Artie would probably sleep through it. Artie said that he'd bring Lisa as his date and he thinks that's the way he could get her. She said that she'd make out with him if he brought her to that. Artie asked her for a blow job. She told Artie to stop with that when he was talking about her blowing him.
Artie said that Sal would probably blow him to get to that wedding. Howard figured Sal would at least give him a hand job. He had Sal come in to tell them what he'd be willing to do. Sal said he wouldn't blow him but he would listen to his stand-up and pretend to laugh. He said that in all honesty, he'd hope that Howard would invite him. Howard said that's not going to happen. He told him he's not invited no matter what. Sal called him a scumbag when he heard that.
Howard told Sal he loves him but if he does this wedding thing, he can't invite him. He said he doesn't love him enough to have him come to his house. Howard said that Robin and Fred would be there because they're good, close friends. He's also going to have Artie there. Sal asked Artie if he would get upset if he wasn't invited. Artie said he'd understand if he wasn't invited. Sal said that this will all come back to Howard tenfold when he does go through with it. He said that he can't think of anyone that's married who is completely happy. Howard said his parents seem to be. Sal said that's the only couple he knows of then.
Gary said that Scott DePace claims to be completely happy in his marriage and claims that he's never had a fight. He's been married like 7 years. Sal said that's a bunch of horseshit. Jon Hein is also happily married. Sal said that guys like that are content to just live the way they do and they don't care if they don't get a blow job once in a while. Robin asked Sal who would have to be cut from the list if it was up between him and Richard. Sal told her that Richard should go to the wedding, not him.
Lisa got to her Howard 100 News preview. She said that they had a handwriting expert look at Artie's letter to Isaac and his wife. She said they found that he's got a lack of enthusiasm, a lack of detail, he's impulsive and his self image is actually very high.
Lisa also mentioned that Richard Christy is in Modern Rocker magazine for being on one of the greatest albums of all time. She also said that he was on Rescue Me last night. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard was going to take some phone calls but ended up talking about Joey Boots and how some people don't believe that he's really gay. He took a phone call from a girl, Jessica, who said that she doesn't like doing anal sex but she does it because her man likes it. She's 25 years old and she sent in a picture of herself and her boyfriend. Howard said she told him that she'll do all kinds of stuff for her man. She once let him tie her up in a cops and robbers thing that he wanted to do.
Howard showed the guys her picture and they thought she was cute. He said that she wants a threesome now and she's wondering what to do. Jessica said that she's pretty confident that he won't ever dump her but Robin said she thinks he will.
Howard asked the woman how tall she is and what she weighs. Jessica said she's 5'3'' and 115 pounds with a B-cup. Howard said her boyfriend is a little chubby. He asked her why she thinks that people in the United States can't find it on a map. She said she just thinks that they're dumb.
Howard wondered why this girl's self esteem is so low that she'd do all of this stuff for this guy. Jessica said she thinks she just found the right guy and that's why she does all of that stuff. She said that she gives it to him like twice a week and they live together. Howard let out a couple of sneezes in the middle of the conversation and said that he loves sneezing. Robin said he probably likes it because it's nose based. She said that it's an erogenous zone and it gets engorged when you do that.
Howard said he's not sure if he's interested in helping this dude get into a threesome. He figured that she could find a woman herself. Jessica said that she wants a hot chick to get it on with, not just some chick from a bar. Howard told her that he's not sure he can help. He doesn't think the fans want to hear that.
Howard told Jessica he was going to pass on this and then asked Robin if they cared. Robin didn't seem to think they did. Jessica told Howard that she thinks that Artie is hot so Howard told her that maybe she could do him instead. She said that maybe they could swing and she could do Artie while her boyfriend does another chick.
Artie said that the chick was cute but he ended up reading an article in a gossip rag while she was on the phone. He mentioned this party and Howard said that's where Beth was last night.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that the Mammary Lane show was great last week with William Shatner in the Homo Room. Howard said that they're about to have a homo room in there in a few minutes with Joey Boots. The caller wanted to go into the homo room too but Howard said they only bring celebrities who don't want to go in there. The guy said that he was an actor but Howard hung up on him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he loves the Howard TV stuff. Howard said that those guys are working hard back there creating new stuff. They did a shoot for Andrea Miss Howard Stern's reality show. Howard was going to move on to Joey Boots but the caller was still talking about how great the show is. He was hoping to get on the show but Howard didn't know what to do with him. The guy said that he could be a writer or something.
the caller said that he's on parental leave right now from his government job. He wanted to know how to get started so Howard told him to create some stuff and send it in. The guy said he has tapes of phony phone calls and stuff so Howard told him to just send it in and they'll check it out.
Artie said that he's still thinking that Boots isn't gay. He said he's split 70/30 in favor of him not being gay. Howard said there's no humor in it though so he doesn't think that he's scamming them at all. Boots said that Artie and Sal get their minds fucked up when they think about a guy like him being gay because it's hard to tell. He said they like to see guys that they can identify as gay.
Artie said that he doesn't know why Boots would do this but he thinks that he could be scamming. Joey was kind of slurring his words so Robin asked him what he's on this morning. Joey said he's been drinking a little bit. Artie was worried about him because he was doing coke a couple of weeks ago. Joey said he's off of that for now though.
Howard said that they have this gay porn star coming in now. His name is Jason Ridge. He's a top gay porn performer. Howard had Jason check Boots out and tell them if they think that he's gay. Jason looked into his eyes and said he didn't think he was gay. Joey said that he's done some really ''machismo'' things in his life and he doesn't come across as gay.
Howard asked Jason if he had women when he was younger. He did have chicks but hasn't been having sex with girls lately, just guys. He said that his parents are fine with what he does. Howard said that this guy has taken two penises in his ass at once. Joey said that's pretty gay. He's done about 50 gay porn movies which is apparently a lot for a gay porn star. Jason also claims that he makes good money doing what he does.
Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Joey is doing this just to get on the show. The guy said that he thinks that it will come out that he was scamming everyone. Howard said that they're going to find out now because Jason is going to make out with him. Joey said that they have cameras and stuff there and he doesn't want that stuff following him around. Artie reminded him that he once glued pubic hair to his face. Joey said he has a problem with that too because it was supposed to be censored and they put it on Howard TV uncensored with his button penis showing.
Howard got back to Jason and asked him how he got into the porn thing. Jason said he thinks he was sexually repressed and that's why he got into it. Howard played an audio clip from one of his movies where Jason is getting it from another dude. The other guy was really pounding him too. Howard asked him how his prostate is. Jason said he has to pee a lot.
Howard said that it was time for Joey to prove himself. Joey said that he doesn't have to prove himself to anyone. He doesn't give a fuck. Howard gave Jason some plugs for his web sites RidgelineFilms.com, JasonRidge.com. He then asked Jason if he would be willing to kiss Joey. Jason said he kind of likes Joey's accent. Howard asked Joey if he wanted to take his shirt off. Joey said they don't want to see that and that he was wearing the official Yucko the Clown T-shirt (DamnShow.com).
Howard asked Jason what was the worst thing he ever had to do. He said he had to eat his own cum one time. That got a reaction from Artie. He let out an ''OHHH!'' when he heard that. Howard asked Jason if he thinks there's something wrong with him for doing this. He said he just wanted to be an actor and that's what he is now.
Jason said that he has fucked some famous guys to get jobs and stuff but he couldn't mention who they were. Irish John called in and asked Jason if after kissing Joey, will that turn him off to the gay thing and turn him straight. Jason said that's a possibility.
Speech Impediment Man called in and said that Joey isn't gay and he's doing a bit. Joey told him to shut up and then went in to get his kiss from Jason. He went in a little too fast so Howard told him to calm down. The two of them got started and started feeling each other's chests. Joey went in and kissed the guy and Howard said that he's definitely gay. Howard sounded like he was going to throw up. Everyone said that he was definitely gay and the two of them started to go at it a little more. They were making out and moaning and stuff. Joey was even playing with Jason's penis.
Howard had the guys stop and said that it sure seems that Joey is gay. He said that Jason was really into it and so was Joey. He said that Joey was really into it. Joey said that he wanted Howard to get him a hotel room. The two of them talked about having sex and how both of them were bottoms but Jason said he was versatile and could be a top.
Howard wanted to bring in Scott the Engineer to ask Jason if he could ever give him anal. He wanted to talk about that because they were going to have him do that years ago for a pay-per-view event. Scott came in and said that he's pretty average down below. Jason said that Scott isn't too bad and he could do him.
Yucko the Clown called in and told Joey to take off his t-shirt and burn it. Howard gave Jason some more plugs and then Mike Gange came in with a banana and asked Joey to demonstrate on that what he'd do to Jason. Joey wasn't going to do it but then he took the banana and showed him what he'd do. Artie said ''Hey look, it's three fruits!''
Howard had Jason evaluate the guys in the studio. He gave Fred a 7, Benjy a 6, Artie a 4 and Howard a 9. Artie said that was bullshit. Gary came in and said that the Bleeding Deacons had a song about Joey already. Howard played the song a short time later. They sang ''Boots Takes Cock'' to the tune of a Ramones song.
Howard said that Lisa Lampanelli was there and she used to date Joey. She was shocked by the kiss that just went down. Sal and Richard came in a short time later in their underwear. They wanted to be evaluated by Jason. They pulled down their pants and Jason gave Sal a 10 because of his uncircumcised penis. Jason then gave Sal a real score of 7 and Richard a 3. Richard sounded offended by that. He asked Jason if he wanted to smell his testicles because he hasn't showered in a few days. Jason didn't want to do that.
Sal bent over and asked Jason what he thinks of his asshole. Will stuck a microphone in his ass and then Howard told them to get out of there. He had to get Lisa in there.
Howard said that Lisa must be shocked by this whole thing. She said that it was kind of hot and she liked it. She said that she was kind of shocked by the whole thing. She said she didn't know that he was a corn holer. She said that Joey was kind of hot in the sack when he was banging her. She thought that maybe she looked kind of like a man back then. Joey said that she did have that Kathy Griffin kind of vibe about her.
Lisa said that she hopes that Joey is happy now and asked him if he was drunk. Joey was kind of plastered. Artie was kind of depressed by his 4 rating. Lisa said she wanted to know what Jason thought of her. He told her she was fuckin hot.
Joey told Howard that he used Viagra when he was with Lisa. She thought that he was really good in the sack back then. Lisa had a problem with something that Joey said on a message board. He apparently claimed that she gave him a blumpkin but she said she never did anything like that to him. She said that they just had regular sex. Howard wrapped up with everyone a short time later and went to break.
Richard said he went running 5 miles in Central park on Monday and hasn't showered since then. He said no one would have known if he hadn't said something. The guys tried to convince Richard that if he showered, his office wouldn't stink and people wouldn't stay away from it.
Howard wanted to bring in Lisa Lampanelli but Richard was saying he was upset about the 3 he got from Jason earlier. Richard said that he's not the only one who is a mess there either. He went off on Artie saying that he's all fat and unhealthy. Lisa Lampanelli came in and told Richard that it's really gross not to shower and he really should be cleaning up before coming to work.
Artie told Richard that he does smell even though he thinks he doesn't. Howard told him to shower every day. Richard used the excuse of not feeling very good for not taking a shower. Howard wondered if Sal was willing to sniff Richard's balls. Sal waited for him but Jason came in and said that he wasn't going to come in because he was upset that they said he would just do it for attention.
Richard told Lisa that she was great in the Larry the Cable Guy movie she was in. Sal came walking in a short time later and said that Lisa couldn't possibly be offended by this after dating Joey Boots. Sal went in and took a whiff of Richard's balls and said there was heat coming off of it. Sal smelled it and said it smelled sour and terrible. He said it was kind of yeastie smelling. Howard kicked them out of the studio and as they were leaving Richard went to touch Mike Gange with his smelly ball sack hands. Gange threatened to punch him in the face.
Lisa said that Flavor was into the roast and thought it was cool. She said that he was a good guy and she really got to like him during that roast. Howard said he used to have him on the show a lot before he hit big with his reality TV show.
Howard said that Lisa used to date black guys when she was fat, then she got thin and started dating a white guy. Lisa said that she remembers hearing Gary mention on the Wrap Up Show that they'd probably be broken up in a year. She remembered thinking that he should have taken the under on that. She said that she didn't think that he was using her but she did think that he was a pot head.
Howard said that it seems like Lisa will take just about any guy. She said that's not true anymore. She said that she was out to dinner with Larry the Cable Guy one night and her boyfriend was drinking even more than him. She said she knew it was time to end it after that.
Lisa said that the boyfriend was kind of embarrassed to tell people who he was dating so that was just wrong. She said that she's not a genital wart so he should have been telling people.
Lisa said that she went to rehab for co-dependence. She said that it was at a regular drug and alcohol rehab center. She said that she wasn't the worst one there, there was a guy who was married to a woman who had 47 different personalities. She said that there were some really hot chicks there who just fuck guys indiscriminately. She said that she almost fucked the guy with the wife with 47 personalities but she stopped herself.
Lisa said she went to the rehab for a week and had like 16 hours a day of group therapy. She said that she's now taking a year off from men. She's going to become friends with guys now and she's just going to hang out with ugly and horrible looking men so she's not attracted to anyone. She said that she has been doing shows lately and she used to bang the security guards who would patrol the shows. She said that she wouldn't date them though.
Lisa said that she'd have a different security guy at each show and one time she had a Portuguese guy and he was giving her oral and then started spitting on her down there. She didn't get it and wondered what he was doing. She said that maybe he was used to prison love or something. She said that she's 46 years old but she's like a log flume down there when she's having sex. She doesn't need someone spitting on her.
Lisa told Howard some of the jokes that she told on the Flavor Flav roast that got cut. She read through a bunch of them and talked about the roast and how Flavor Flav did that night. Flavor laughs at all of his own jokes on the roast. Lisa ran through some of the other jokes she told at the roast about people like Carrot Top. She had a bunch of stuff about him and about Mike Tyson as well.
Lisa said that she talks about anything that happens in her life. She said that she had naked pictures taken of her when she was in her 20s and she'd like to see them come out because she looked good back then.
Lisa told some jokes about Andy Dick and Brigitte Nielson on the roast. She ran through some of those jokes for Howard and had him laughing. She had a lot of stuff cut out from that roast. She had a bunch of jokes about Mike Tyson so she went through those.
Lisa said that she's going to be the roastmaster of the upcoming Pat Cooper roast at the Friar's club. She said that won't be televised but she had some jokes that she could tease them with. She read through a few jokes about Pat and had Howard and the guys laughing. She said that she knows him just a little so everything is safe to talk about. Artie is going to be doing that roast as well so he'll be working with Lisa that day.
Lisa said that everyone she tells about Pat Cooper doesn't know who he is. She said everyone but her parents know him. Howard told her she should use that in the roast. He also told her to ask Pat what it's like to walk around with no one recognizing him.
Howard was giving Lisa a bunch of lines that she could use during th roast to go off on Pat. They also spent a few minutes talking about Michael Vick. That led to Howard giving Lisa even more lines and Artie was taking some of them and writing them down for his roast. He said he's the one who needs the help with the jokes. Howard kept rattling off more and more jokes about Pat and had Lisa laughing. Lisa had a few of her own that she threw into the mix as well. They were roasting Pat right there on the air.
Lisa said that since this roast isn't televised, they can say anything they want. When they do roasts like the Flavor Flav roast, they have to watch their language. Howard wrapped up with Lisa a short time later and gave her some plugs for her upcoming shows and stuff. You can find out where Lisa is appearing at InsultComic.com. She said that she's making some good money and just bought a new place out in Tuscon, Arizona. She said she's got a place in Connecticut too. Howard spent a few more minutes with Lisa and then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard played some audio of Evil Dave trying to repeat some lines for Steve The Intern who was trying to get him to record some stuff for the music special they ran over the weekend. Dave had trouble repeating after Steve so it took a bunch of takes before he got it.
Howard played a phony phone call that High Pitch Eric made. He called a woman who was selling goats, ducks and roosters. Howard cut it off and said he tries to imagine what's going on in the back of his throat when he hears him gurgling. He got back to the call and Eric tells the woman he started a petting zoo in his bedroom and he needs animals. The woman's daughter was making noise so Eric asked her to quiet the kid down. She went off on him and hung up on him a couple of times. Eric then called back and said he was interested in the animals and he would take back what he said about the kid. She eventually called him a motherfucker and hung up on him after he made one last comment about her kid.
Artie was reading the sports page during the game so he had no idea what Mike was even talking about. After the game he told Howard some of the stuff he was reading about and gave him some baseball history. They spent a few minutes talking baseball before they moved on to other things.
Howard asked Gary if the guy was coming in. Gary didn't know what he was talking about. Howard told him that Laura knew where it was and he should call her to find out where the guy is. Howard said he forgot that they had found it. He had it brought there during vacation.
Howard said he knows the whole story now. He said he has a storage area for all of his junk. They keep a computer log of everything that goes in there and they didn't know that it had been put in there because their search feature didn't come up. Laura ended up finding it when she went over to the storage room. Fred said that Steve was leading them to believe that it had been stolen but Steve said he never said it was stolen.
Howard said that his computer system for archiving is ridiculous. Gary came in and said that the guy who has the puppet isn't around. They do have it there though. Artie said that this story has caused a lot of problems there because people were being accused of losing it. Howard said that this program he has is difficult to use and he doesn't understand it. You have to search it perfectly before you find it. Steve said that they got a message saying that Jackie had the puppet himself so they called him out on it but it turns out that wasn't true.
Steve said that Jim Florentine has broken his silence. AS he was about to talk about that the Jackie Puppet was brought into the studio. His arm was broken but he was still alive (thanks to Fred's impression of Jackie). Howard talked to the Jackie Puppet and asked him about what he's been up to lately. Fred did a bunch of his laughs and stuff as Gary was working the puppet's mouth with his finger because the string wasn't working. Gary said they have to get him repaired.
Gary said that the fingers were cut off or something and it looks like they were melted or something. Howard said he needs to talk to Laura about that and find out how they're storing this stuff. Howard asked Jackie Puppet some more questions and Gary said it looked like the puppet was dropped on his head. It was all scraped up and stuff. Gary said they have to get him fixed up. Howard said they should have stored the puppet wrapped up safely.
Howard said they have an Artie Puppet photoshopped picture up on HowardStern.com. Artie saw the picture and said it was very creepy.
Robin talked to Howard about some of the girls that he was dating and said she never asked him about them. She said that Howard can talk to her off the air about this stuff if he wants but he should drop it on the air. She said there was something that he didn't tell them about this week that went on over the weekend. Howard wondered how Robin could get hurt in all of this and why she was being so secretive. She said that maybe she was rejected by Jim. Fred said ''no way'' when he heard that.
Howard said that Robin will probably reveal it on Bubba's show like she did about her breakup with Mr. X. She said that she's still not saying anything except that nothing is going on. Howard said that he finds that hard to believe. Robin said that Fred went on a very public date with his wife when they met, but she's not doing that. She said this isn't a dial-a-date format.
Steve got back to his report and got in a plug for the Superfan Roundtable show and for Andy Dick's Shit Show that's on at midnight. Howard said that should be good since Andy has been up to so much crazy stuff lately.
Jon Hein came in and said that they have a lot of stuff to talk about on the Wrap Up Show today. He asked Robin if she'd stop by today. She said there's no way in hell she's doing that. She said she's got a flight to catch today but didn't want to say where she was going. She eventually said that she's going to be out in L.A. This weekend.
Jon said they'll talk about Joey Boots' visit today where he made out with the gay guy. Artie said that whole segment was gross. He had to turn away while the kiss was going on. That led to the Howard TV guys replaying some of that and freaking Artie out even more. Artie said that the whole show was gross today with Richard touching his balls and touching the door. Richard came in and said that he used his shirt to grab the handle so he didn't touch it. Artie didn't believe it.
Howard had Jon wrap up his Wrap Up Show preview. Mutt was on the phone next and said they have a star studded show tonight and they're going to have Mike Morse, Ralph and the doctor who brought Sal to the hospital on the show.
Howard said that the number one google search today is Jason Ridge. He said that's the power of satellite radio right there. He had Robin start her news after that.
Fred was doing his impression of Jim during the news. He was doing that impression a little earlier and Howard thought it was pretty good. Robin read through some more news stories and the guys ended up goofing on Fred Thompson for a few minutes after Robin had Howard play his announcement that he's running for President.
Artie and Howard had some fun with a story about an Indian car that's going on sale for a mere $2,400 soon. They goofed on that whole idea with Artie suggesting that it runs on rabbit shit pellets. They continued to goof on Fred Thompson throughout the news as well. Artie and Howard were both doing impressions of the guy.
Robin wrapped up her news and Artie got in some plugs for what he had coming up in the next couple of weeks. He's going to be out in Vegas on November 15th. You can keep up with Artie's appearances at Artie-Lange.com. Howard ended the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show saying that comedian Jim Florentine was sitting in this morning. Jim's the guy who makes the great ''Terrorizing Telemarketers'' phone calls that Howard plays. Late in the show yesterday he played a great one where Jim drowns his grandfather while a telemarketer tries to sell him something. Jim told Howard some stories about how he and his buddy thought they'd had the cops called on them after they made that prank call. He said they heard sirens and thought the cops were coming for them. Howard joked it was a little known fact that Jim had actually killed his real grandfather in that bit.
Howard mentioned some of the stuff they had coming up this morning. He ran down a list of the guests they had booked and talked about some of the stuff they were going to do.
Howard said he'd like to sit down with Mariah and give her some advice on what to do. He thinks she needs a good psychiatrist that can help change her view of the world.
Howard went on to read an article about Mariah and how she accidentally cut herself on glass she broke before her mother had to call emergency services. He also played some of her album and said that it was just as good or bad as any other pop music that was out. He got bakc to the article and read through that too.
Howard mentioned that Mariah had to cancel out of the MTV 20th birthday party that was on last night. Howard said he had no idea MTV actually had a birthday show on last night. He saw some picture of the old VJs that were on MTV and spent a couple of minutes talking about how they all look these days.
Big Black called in with some audio from a couple of shows where Mariah Carey was acting oddly. He had tape from when Mariah's publicist once pulled a microphone away from her as she started to ramble on one time. It's all very strange stuff.
Howard told Lysa that he wanted to talk about the ''travesty'' that happened on Monday when Lysa and Crazy Cabbie went out looking for Chandra's body parts. Lysa wasn't interested in doing that though. She said she'd rather get some sleep this morning. She said talking about that stuff is boring to her and she didn't want to do that. She wanted to tell people about what's happening in the spirit world.
Howard kept talking about how Lysa wouldn't let Cabbie help out and look for Chandra's body parts when they got to the location where she says there are clues about Chandra. She says that she's got people on the case now and something will come out of it. Howard kept calling it a travesty and it just pissed her off. She said Howard was lucky she was even back on the show today after the stuff that was said about her on Monday.
Lysa said that they could have dug and searched on Monday but they didn't have equipment there to do that. She said they needed metal detectors and dogs to sniff around but she never said they'd need that stuff. She just assumed that they'd bring an army of people to do the searching. Howard said she was pretty brilliant in the way she got out of the situation. She stalled by going to the cops and by holding up the whole thing and then said that they'd have to search the waters around this area she found. It was a big bust and she won't admit it.
Howard tried to end the call by giving Lysa a plug but she was even upset with the way he presented that. He pointed out that it'll cost you ''...five HUNDRED dollars'' to get a sit down reading with Lysa. She was upset that he had to say ''five HUNDRED'' to the audience. Howard also said you can have your reading over the phone for a mere $300 and through e-mail for $60. Just visit her web site ChannelingSpirits.com for more information.
One guy called in and said that he wanted to belch for Howard and let out a bunch for him. Howard thought he was pretty good. He wondered what happened to the farters that they were having in there and why no one was coming in to try and beat the record.
Another caller said that he was finally getting FX on his cable so he would finally be able to see ''Son of the Beach.'' Howard said he had a meeting recently where they talked about FX coming to Manhattan and how great that was. The caller and Howard also talked about some pictures of Nina Blackwood that were in the paper. The caller said that she looked good. Howard said that she just happened to take a good picture apparently.
Howard said he was killing some time during a break on a web site called HowManyWouldItTake.com where you vote on how many beers it would take before you bang these chicks who are on the site. Howard said he would have banged most of them sober because they were pretty hot.
Howard and the caller talked about the movie ''Planet of the Apes'' and the caller ended up complaining about how expensive it is to go these days. Howard said it's only 10 bucks so he should be able to afford that. The caller said that it ends up costing more when you add up the tickets and dinner and all of that. Howard eventually hung up on the guy when he repeated his story.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about this NFL football player Korey Stringer who died of heat exhaustion during training yesterday. He said that the guy puked like 4 times during training and eventually passed out and died from heat exhaustion. He said as we all know, you're considered a ''pussy'' by teammates if you don't just keep going when you feel sick. Howard said that some of these guys just go full out and over do their workouts when they should be taking months to get up to speed.
Howard said Gary came in smoking a cigar first thing. He also had an amazingly low voice which also surprised Howard. He said since the Buddy Holly movie his voice seems to have undergone a drastic change. Gary said he can still get his voice up high and he proved it by singing a little Buddy Holly song for us. Howard didn't know that Gary sang all of the songs in the Buddy Holly movie either.
Howard questioned Gary about his religious beliefs and found out that Gary is now a ''Promise Keeper.'' According to Gary (Baba Booey) a promise keeper is like a white version of the Million Man March guys who have to teach other guys how to ''reconcile'' their lives. Busey tried to explain what he does to Howard but he got upset that Howard wasn't listening to him so he got up and walked over to Howard and stood next to him as he spoke to him. Howard said Gary was scaring him standing there and just wanted him to go back to the couch and sit down. After a short time Gary went back to his seat.
Howard continued the interview and asked Gary about whether or not he's getting laid these days. Gary said that he hasn't been with a woman for a while now and his womanizing days are over. When Howard asked him how long it's been since he got laid he pretended that he couldn't remember how long it had been. Howard tried to get him to give him an answer by offering him a prize but Gary said it was ''priceless information'' and wouldn't answer. Howard took a couple of phone calls and plugged the stuff Gary is appearing in as he wrapped up the interview. As Howard was ending the interview Busey ran over to Howard with his lit cigar and tried to burn his neck. Howard was screaming and Gary said ''I love Jewish screams...'' which was really bizarre.
Howard said Gary (Baba Booey) tried to pull Busey off of him but he couldn't because of the head-lock. They had video of the whole thing but there was no audio. Howard described it as they showed the tape. They all think the guy is a great guest but he'd nuts. Howard said his wrists got all cut up as Busey tried to escape his head-lock.
Howard asked Jim Florentine where he was at during that attack. Jim said they weren't able to pull Gary off of him because they didn't know that Howard had him in a headlock. Robin said her arm is tingling now and she'll need to go to the doctor for that.
Howard brought up a couple of news stories and spent some time talking about those. Dominic Barbara called in to get in on one of the stories. Dominic also asked if they were playing cards this Friday. Howard said he couldn't make it out to his house but they were having a game in the city.
Jim told Howard a story about how he and his buddy used to go to AA meetings to get chick's phone numbers. He said that you get everyone's phone number there just in case you think you're going to crack. He said they'd call these chicks at like 3 in the morning asking them to come over to help them get through it.
After trying to talk to these people without much luck finding out much, Howard moved on and tried to get Dina to do her puking. Jeff laid down on the floor and got completely naked and waited for Dina to puke on him. She ended up using a bag of fake vomit that didn't do anything for Jeff but Howard had a backup in place. They had a cross dresser by the name of Danny or ''Danielle'' who was willing to give it a try. Danny tried to puke also but he wasn't able to get anything to come up.
Howard was ready to end the whole thing but Jeff kept plugging his e-mail address WomenVomitOnMe@yahoo.com over and over again. Benjy came in and offered to puke on the guy but Jeff said he doesn't get off when guys do it to him. Then, out of nowhere, Danny puked on Jeff and grossed everyone out. The smell was so bad that Howard told KC to get everyone out of the studio or else he'd be throwing up himself. Howard then ended the segment and took a break.
Jim said he talks about having big balls in his stand-up routine and it one time led to having sex with a woman in a comedy club kitchen. He said this woman wanted to see his big balls so he showed her. She grabbed them and they ended up having sex after he wrapped his pecker with Saran wrap.
Another guy called in and told Howard how Jim will bang a fat chick now and then. He told a story about Jim picking up this really fat chick on a beach somewhere. They took this fat chick back to a hotel room and the guy on the phone saw the fat chick take off her thong. He said she had a huge skid mark going from front to back and he turned it over so Jim wouldn't see it. For some reason Jim picked it up, put it on his head and said he was Rambo. Then he caught a whiff of the skid mark. He ended up asking her if she'd stepped in shit or something. He didn't realize the stink was coming from the thong he was wearing on his head.
Sahvanna is also a stripper so she has combined both of her talents into one thing. She charges people to lap dance them while she gives them a reading. She charges $500 just like Lysa Moskowitz-Mateu does but at least you get a lap dance while you get your reading.
Sahvanna told Howard that the woman they had on earlier, Lysa, is wrong about the Chandra Levy thing. Sahvanna said she received word from her dead grandmother that Chandra is actually alive and in Spain hiding out. She claims that Chandra is hiding because she refused to get an abortion when Gary Condit's people asked her to do so. So once again, we'll wait to find out if either of these ''psychic's'' turn out to be real.
Howard had Sahvanna give KC a quick lap dance/reading so we could get a taste of that. She doesn't get nude during her readings though. She wears a bikini and rubs her ass in your lap. She did that to KC and told him that he's going to inherit about $175,000 from a dead relative who he doesn't know very well. Good news for KC who's just about homeless. You can get more info on Sahvanna at ThePsychicStripper.com
Howard said that they gave Sal some tickets to go to a baseball game with Gary and he was on the phone to talk about that. Sal said that he's going to get dressed up and go on the Baba Booey Safari with him. Gary asked Sal if he had gotten a job yet because he heard he was out of work for about 6 months or so. Sal said his job is to take care of Gary at the game. Sal said he'll be dressed up like the Crocodile Hunter when he hangs out with him at the baseball game.
Sal told Howard that he slo-mo'd the AJ Benza punch from last week and he noticed that Gary's teeth came out of his mouth kind of like the Alien does from people's chests during the Alien movies. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. Robin got back to her news and went through a bunch of other stories. Howard took some phone calls during the news and talked to a kid who was supposed to send in some pictures of his mother for Howard to check out. The kid said he mailed them but Howard hadn't gotten them yet.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show around 9:50am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Please Support MarksFriggin.com using Patreon