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Howard started off the show talking about how much stuff he had to get to. He's very dedicated to getting to everything though. Howard then brought up how Rev. Bob Levy was going to be doing his roast show today live in the studio. They have about 20 chairs set up in there for an audience. This will be a test show for the show that Bob wants to do. It'll be Bob, Jim Florentine, Don Jamieson, Mike Morse, Shuli and Yucko the Clown roasting Ralph. They were going to tape it last night but Ralph wasn't going to show up for it anyway so it's best to do it on the radio show instead.
Howard said he had a meeting yesterday with the In Demand people and they've decided that they're going to call it ''Howard TV'' instead of Howard Stern On Demand or In Demand or anything else. There is a deal coming down with Cablevision in the next couple of weeks to air the shows on there so the fans out on Long Island will be able to watch. Howard said that the In Demand people aren't really able to start promoting the new show until March because the SIRIUS people were freaked out and banned them from showing the new show yet.
Howard isn't even sure who can drink that Jagermeister stuff because it tastes like cough syrup. Artie said that when it's really cold it's tolerable. Robin said that Henry Hill was trying to use it medicinally claiming he had a cold. That led to Howard talking about how Henry was supposed to do a Meet the Shrink show but ended up going down and getting drunk after the show. He ended up vomiting on himself and crapping his own pants. The In Demand guys got about 45 minutes of him on tape but it's not enough. He said they could make a reality show with that guy.
Howard had an audio clip of Henry trying to eat a hot dog out on the street and he's pretty sure that he's eating the hotdog and the wrapper it was in. Henry was really wasted and could barely speak. He was mumbling words unintelligibly and refusing to put his coat on. The woman who was with him, Maria, was trying to help but he refused to listen. Henry was making very odd noises and Robin thought he sounded like something from the Exorcist. Then you can hear Henry demanding a bagel and then eating it.
Artie said it's amazing that Henry is still around and getting drunk after everything he's been through with the mob. Gary said that Henry didn't even have the money to pay for the drinks he was having at the bar he went to. Howard had a rundown from Doug Goodstein who ran down there to see him. He read Doug's note and said that Henry was laughing and cackling a lot after puking on himself. They brought him some food but Henry spilled and dropped the food he was given. They sat Henry down on the steps and ate the napkin that was around a hot dog he was given. Doug said that Henry was brought to the car that came to pick him up but he was afraid it was a cop car and refused to get in. Doug wasn't sure if Henry was able to make his flight because they refused to leave until they had the ass rape DVD that they brought.
Howard and the guys talked about that ass rape DVD and how now they don't believe that Henry had anything slipped into his drink when he was raped. Doug came in and told Howard a little more about Henry and then they talked about the Howard TV thing. Howard said they had a cool meeting and talked about having a film festival for the Howard TV (formerly Howard Stern On Demand) channel. Howard said that they were thinking of letting the fans make movies based on their scripts and stuff like that. Fans will be able to get involved but they haven't worked out all of the details yet.
Howard got back to the Henry Hill audio. Henry was still mumbling and asking for some cafe that he wanted to go to. The guys sat him down but Henry was demanding to go to the cafe and wanted some type of drink. He was laughing and cackling like a mad man. Richie Wilson was there and said that Henry only had a fleece jacket with him because he thought it was going to be warm in New York. He also said that Henry must have crapped his pants because he grabbed his ass and said ''Uh Oh'' at one point, then he sat down and went ''Oohhhhhhh.'' Richie said that if you combined Hank the Dwarf and Jeff the Drunk it wouldn't be as bad as Henry was.
Henry ate his hot dog and the napkin it was wrapped in. Then he spit some of it out and part of it ended up on Doug. Then Henry was trying to say ''Carmel Machiatta'' but no one understood what he was saying at the time. Artie and Robin recognized it as soon as he said it though. Howard said that Richard is going to take the audio from that and play them as if he were a Chinese guy.
Howard then told the caller that he got a call from the great Steve Martin the other day. Steve told him that he's doing Saturday Night Live in a couple of weeks and wanted to know if this sketch he was thinking about would bother him. He said that Steve wanted to use a boing sound effect from the show in the sketch but didn't want that to bother them. Howard told him it's probably not even their boing. Fred played some of the boing sounds that it could be to demonstrate it. Howard said that he's honored that Steve would even call about something like that. Howard also said that Steve told him he loves the new show on SIRIUS so he was going to go buy a new radio at Radio Shack... but they were all sold out. Steve Martin can't even get one.
Howard said that it's really upsetting that people can't get their radios right now and Scott Greenstein is more worried about them mentioning Jagermeister. The caller said that his friends are all having problems getting everything hooked up. He figures that the numbers must be growing a lot because they're still so backed up in that area. Howard said he's not sure exactly where the subscribers sound right now because he has to wait for SIRIUS to announce those numbers. The caller wanted Howard to keep everyone updated on those numbers.
Howard got back to the Henry Hill audio clips and had some more of his demented laughter. Henry was brought to the car that was sent to pick him up. He didn't want to get into the car, probably because he thought it was a mob car. He eventually got in the car and complained about being cold. He was mumbling more but Robin was able to figure out what he was saying. He said he had a warm heart and that he was looking for a girlfriend. Then he said something about giving her a 5 carat diamond... at least that's what Robin thinks he said. Henry was demanding his ass rape tape back and then asking for a girlfriend again. The guys eventually got rid of Henry and sent him on his way in the car.
The guys were talking about yesterday's Oprah Winfrey show and how she went off on an author who had scammed her about a book he wrote. The guy lied about some of the stuff in his book and Oprah went off on him during her whole show yesterday. Artie said the guy's book was actually very well written but it turns out that it just wasn't completely true.
Howard said there is a lot of nervousness when it comes to remaking something like this. When they were making it, there was someone breathing into the mic so Howard freaked out. He played some of the audio from the recording session where Sal blamed Artie for the breathing so Artie shot back at him by calling him a jerkoff. There was also some audio of Tim Sabean screwing up a line and Howard telling him he was terrible.
After playing the out takes Howard played the new Homo-Cop 2006 bit. He said it lasts about 5 minutes so it's almost a whole epic movie. The bit is based on the Robocop story but Howard plays a gay guy who is turned into a robotic homo cop.
Howard had everyone take a big bow after the bit. He then went into a bit of a music break and then a prank call that they made using clips from Gary's ''take me back'' tape. They called a woman and had Gary apologizing to her about something she knew nothing about.
The guys talked about how strange Baldwin was when he was going out with Christian skate boarders and stuff. Howard talked about the days when he used to watch Davey and Goliath and how much they pushed Jesus in those old shows.
The caller also mentioned Mark The Bagger who came in with The Bloodhound Gang. Howard said that he thinks the Bloodhound Gang will be doing a show on Sunday night and Mark will return next week to his radio show. He said that the guy has to be seen. He also said that one of the guys from the band pulled down Mark's pants and grabbed his penis while he was talking. Howard played a prank call that Mark made to a vocal coach. The coach didn't understand what Mark was saying so Sal and Richard had to break in and help him out. Artie said that Sal and Richard's bits are great but they always have to be in the bits together. Howard went to break after that.
Howard wondered who races in the races that Bubba participates in. Robin said she thinks they're legitimate races and he's racing with professionals. Lisa told Howard they'll also be talking about Shade 45 and then about a bread truck driver who almost got a ticket for playing Howard's show in his truck.
Howard heard that Lisa was so freaked out by Henry Hill that she almost started crying yesterday. She said she felt really bad for him. She did an interview with him after the show yesterday and he told her that he was trying to clean himself up... Then he went out and got plastered. Lisa told Howard that she interviewed him and he told her that he wanted to cum on her face. She felt weird saying that because she's a news person.
Howard said that is somewhat of a compliment. He said that he saw a thread on SternFanNetwork.com where people were talking about who would like to bang Lisa. Howard said they were talking about that on the Superfan Roundtable last night too. He said he's too thin skinned to read that stuff over at SternFanNetwork.com anymore. Lisa said she's the same way right now too.
Howard had some audio clips from Oprah Winfrey's show where she talked to an author about how he duped her and her audience by lying in his book (A Million Little Pieces) about some things that went on when he was in rehab. Howard played one clip where Oprah apologized for a call she made to Larry King defending this guy. Howard said he really hates that Oprah is like a god to some women in this country. Robin said she remembers Gary telling a story about how Gary wanted to watch a movie one time and his wife refused to watch it... until Oprah said it was a movie that everyone had to watch. Then she told Gary to go out and buy the movie.
Howard played another clip from Oprah's show where she confronted this author about the way he presented himself on the show. Of course her audience is on her side. In another clip Oprah asked the guy if he was being truthful about having root canals done without novacaine. The author, James Frey, tried to explain himself and said he couldn't remember if he had used novacaine or not.
Howard took a call from a guy who talked about some of the stuff that's been going on with the show lately. He told Howard that Yucko is great on the show. That led to Howard saying that Ralph was there to get roasted and Yucko will be one of those people. Ralph was there in the studio so he was saying that there aren't any comedians there to roast him so he's not sure it'll be that good. The guys who are on the list aren't ''real comedians'' to him. He said he doesn't see their names up at Caroline's Comedy Club.
Howard got back to the Oprah stuff and spent a couple more minutes discussing that. He said that the author should have just said it was a novel and he would have been fine. He didn't have to say that it was true because it was written well. Now the guy has written a second book and he probably won't sell many books. Howard played some more audio from the show where the guy was defending himself with Oprah.
Howard said that he has an article about a guy who claims he had a gay affair with Clay Aiken. He wondered if Oprah would confront him about something like that if it was really true because he's gone on her show claiming that he's straight. Artie said that he's had to embellish stories himself but he has to do that to protect people. He said he had to change part of the pig on coke story he told back on the other radio station. He said he was just protecting someone though.
Howard said that it was funny how Oprah straightened out her hair for her show. He said that the hair looks really fake when she straightens it out like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him about what Bubba the Love Sponge actually does when he races those cars. Howard said the pictures are now up on his web site for those who want to see them. The caller said he saw Bubba crash one time and he ended up in the trees.
Another caller told Howard that he feels duped about the book he wrote after hearing his mother say that living in Roosevelt wasn't that bad. That got the guys back on the subject of Oprah's show but Howard was zoning out when Fred started to go into a whole rap about the author. Fred had actually gone to dinner with the guy and knew a lot about the story. Howard cut him off though and moved on to some other things.
A phone caller told Howard that he was talking to a friend about faggots and his friend said that every guy is gay because they all touch their own penis to jerk off. Howard said that's not the case and it's only gay if you're thinking about another dude. He said if you're doing it to a woman, you're not gay. Howard wanted to go right into the Joe Rogan comedy bit he's played in the past but he wasn't able to find it. Fred had it in his system so Howard cued him to play it... There was some confusion there so Fred didn't play it, he thought they were going to break. Howard flipped out on him a little bit and had him just go to commercial instead.
Bob said that Benjy signed up for the roast a couple of days ago but backed out of it. Benjy said he never did such a thing. That led to Bob roasting Benjy a little bit. He was going off him and warming up the crowd. He even joked about Robin doing an N-word joke that didn't go over so well. He came right back and said that the only thing that her glass booth is missing is a ''Don't feed the animals'' sign.
Howard didn't like the sound quality that was coming through on the mics so he asked Scott the Engineer what was up with that. Scott had no idea so Bob continued roasting Robin a little bit. Howard had to ask Ralph to remove his sunglasses because the Howard TV crew were asking for that. Ralph refused to remove them.
Bob roasted Howard a little bit and goofed on his nose and penis size. He also said that Beth is so much younger than Howard that after she blows him he has to burp her. He then went after Gary saying that the only reason the black guy he called the N-word didn't punch his teeth out is because it would have taken him 3 days. He goofed on Sal a little bit and then hit Artie with a joke about how his movie will be watched less, his movie or Rosie O'Donnell porn. He eventually made his way to Ralph Cirella.
Bob cracked some jokes about Ralph's gay stuff and about being jobless. He was hitting him like crazy with some great one liners. Howard interrupted him for a minute and then Bob got back to roasting Ralph and making more and more jokes about him being gay. Even Ralph was laughing at a lot of the jokes. He had one about all of the bumps on Ralph's face actually reading ''FAGGOT'' in brail. He also said that he can't believe that Howard is able to get rid of that fat under his chin but he can't get rid of Ralph. Howard wanted Bob to take it home and wrap up his roast.
Ralph was making some snoring sounds because he thought that Bob should have edited himself a little bit. Bob told a few more jokes but he seemed to be losing the crowd according to Howard. He brought them back a few seconds later but Howard had to go to break.
Jim moved on to Ralph and roasted him. He was pretty brutal. He goofed on him for being a homosexual and about how he never finishes stuff. He said he would never want a blow job from Ralph because he's infamous for not finishing things. Jim kept his roast pretty short and did a great job with his roast.
Bob Levy brought up Comedian Mike Morse (Mike-Morse.com) who is helping him write a sitcom... which Bob said will probably go nowhere. Mike roasted Bob a little bit about his drinking. He had a few good one liners about him and then hit Jim with a few. After hearing a few of the lines Howard said that maybe Levy's sitcom will be good. Mike then moved on to Ralph and called him a dingleberry on the ass of success. Ralph was giving all of them a hard time as they were roasting him. Mike goofed on the berry he has on his face and things like that. Ralph was coming back at him saying that he doesn't even know who he is and doesn't have to take that kind of crap from these guys. Mike finished up with one joke about how Ralph gets fucked up the ass so often that his shit has to make an appointment to come out. Howard had to take another break after that.
Shuli hit Yucko with a few lines and said that he's the only guy who looks less creepy with the costume on. He then moved on to Jim Florentine and roasted him about his Meet the Creeps stuff and how it went straight to Comedy Central... dot com. He moved on to Bob Levy next and said he'd be doing a show at a firehouse in Hoboken next week. Then he moved on to Ralph.
Shuli roasted Ralph and said that he's banged so many strippers that he's been banned from Chipendales. He had some other jokes about being gay and dressing Howard. He kept it short and even Ralph thought he was good. The audience was acting up a bit so Howard went to them a little bit. Angry Black was looking for some of that Jagermeister that was sitting in there. Howard told him to hold on and they'd get to that later.
Bob brought up the next guy, Don Jamieson. Ralph said that it was another guy that they don't know. Don's mic wasn't working very well. They had to ask Don not to move around at all. Don went right into the Ralph roast. He said that when Ralph walks into a pet store, all of the gerbils run and hide. He had a bunch of other jokes about the gay stuff. Ralph was being a pain in the ass not letting him roast him because he didn't know who the hell he was. Don said he knows that Ralph isn't gay... because Tom Cruise and High Pitch Eric told him so. He then roasted High Pitch Eric since he was in the audience.
Don cracked one joke about Eric's penis so Eric whipped it out. He wanted to prove that he had a big one but Ralph said he had balls the size of baseballs but the penis was about an inch. Don got back to his roast and had Howard laughing quite a bit. He wrapped up a short time later. Ralph wasn't too thrilled with the performances so far though.
Bob Levy tried to introduce the next guy but Howard had everyone giving all of the comedian's a hand for what they had done so far. Bob then introduced Yucko the Clown. Yucko got up and told Bob that he sucked. He goofed on Bob a little bit and then moved right on to Ralph. He said that if Ralph was a soup, he'd be ''Cream of Faggot.'' Yucko had his horn honking after each joke. He also said that if Ralph is into fitness ''so how about fitness cock into your mouth.'' Yucko was also going off on Artie a little bit and had everyone cracking up with those jokes. He kept his act pretty short and asked Yucko about how he gets his boyfriend's shit out of the slit of his penis. Howard thought that line was pretty funny.
Bob asked Ralph to get up and say a few words but he wasn't interested in saying anything. Ralph said it was fun being there and he's not a comedian... and neither were those guys. Artie wrote some lines for him but he didn't want to write them. Ralph said he didn't want to read them and asked Artie to do it. Gary said that if Ralph was listening to this, he'd call in and tell himself to cooperate. Ralph said he's not into doing that stuff.
Jim Florentine told Ralph that if the lines don't work, he can blame it on Artie. Everyone thought he was ruining the roast. The audience was going off on him and telling him to just do it. Robin couldn't believe he was doing that to them. Howard said he loves the roast show. Zolar asked if he could read Ralph's lines. No one thought it would work... and they were right. Zolar and Angry Black tried to read the lines but they weren't working. High Pitch tried to read one too but he wasn't even able to deliver it very well.
Howard asked Artie to read one of the lines to deliver it the right way. Artie didn't want to do it either. Artie looked at the list and said that Ralph fucked him over there. He wrote it as if Ralph would read them. He read a couple of jokes about Bob that were really funny. He also had some about Yucko that everyone loved. Bob said that Ralph had gold there and should have read the jokes.
Ralph thought that Artie was delivering the jokes better than he could have. Artie read a few more of his lines and went off on Shuli and more on Bob. Artie had a lot of fun goofing around with them and thought that Ralph could have gotten some laughs.
Howard took a call from a guy who said this whole roast was great. Artie read a few more lines and started to get into it because he had written them all. Another caller told Howard how great this roast was and how she was going to listen to it again tonight on the replay. Howard told Ralph that he could have killed with those jokes but he blew it.
Howard thanked all of the comedians for coming in and doing a great job. He also thanked the audience for coming in. It was their first audience in the studio so far. Zolar was screaming at the top of his lungs not letting anyone else get any attention. Howard said there were a couple of women there too but Zolar wasn't allowing them to get any attention. Howard said hello to a couple of the women in the crowd. First up was Casey and then Tara, her sister. One of the girls was a stand-up comedian so Howard asked her if she had any jokes about him. She started to call him some names but Ralph told her to shut up and that she wasn't funny. Things were getting ugly so Howard cut them off.
Captain Janks called in and congratulated Bob for the great show. He also suggested a 5 minute a day roast of Ralph. Another caller thought that the roast was very funny but Ralph didn't deliver when expected. Another guy said that Ralph proved that he's the bitch that everyone expected. Howard also pointed out that Ralph was an excellent person to roast. Howard asked who was next on the Roast list. Bob said he was thinking about Robin but they can go with someone else if they want. Howard said he'll let him pick and won't put him on the spot.
Howard said that maybe they should let Ralph pick the next person to roast. Ralph said he might go with Howard. Go from the lowest to the highest. Howard took another phone call and then asked the comics if they had any big gigs to plug. Each of the guys got in their plugs. Artie even got one in for BeerLeagueTheMovie.com. Mike Morse said he'd be up at The Treehouse in Connecticut this weekend. Don is at DonJamieson.com, Jim mentioned he's doing some shows at the Comedy Cabaret in Northeast Philly this weekend. Bob got in a plug for revboblevy.net, Yucko's stuff is available at DamnShow.com. Howard took a couple more calls, including one from Vinnie Favale who thinks Ralph blew it this morning, and then went to break.
Howard brought up the Rolling Stone magazine article about how he's basically a boring old fuck. He said that he finds it interesting that the author will never write anything negative about people who are friends of Jann Wenner who runs the magazine. Howard thought that he was a friend of Jann's but now the guy has let the negative article go out. He said he will never allow a negative article about Yoko Ono. Some people sent Howard some notes about Jann and how he helps his friends out by giving them great ratings for albums that suck. They've also retracted articles that they've written after friends have complained. One writer said that Rolling Stone continues to push ads for tobacco companies even after printing obituary after obituary about rock stars who have died of lung cancer.
Ralph added that Rolling Stone isn't relevant these days and no one cares about the magazine now. Howard said that he's been reading the magazine for years and he's still a fan at 52 but they can't bring in any younger audience. Howard said he was actually thinking about hiring the author of the negative article about him. He was on the fence about it because the past few articles he wrote were kind of boring.
Howard said that he's now subscribing to Esquire magazine because they cover rock and roll better than Rolling Stone does. Gary said that Blender magazine is also better than Rolling Stone. Howard and the guys were also talking about what an ass kisser of The Rolling Stones Jann Wenner seems to be. They talked about how The Rolling Stones are getting $450 per ticket for their concerts. The guys can't believe that.
Gary said that he had a negative piece that aired down in Philly recently. He was trying to give the show a fair and balanced view of the show. This roundtable show that aired is filled with people who detest Howard Stern. Howard wasn't sure why he was playing it because he doesn't have to be fair and balanced. As soon as the moderator brought Howard up people started going off on him.
The people on the panel were upset that Howard was getting paid $500 million while coal miners are getting blown up because they can't get the equipment they deserve. Howard said that's an absurd statement. He gets an audience and makes the company he works for a lot of money. One of the people on the roundtable said that Howard was doing nothing but pornography. Howard also said that's not true either. One woman said that Howard is sexist, racist and uses profanity for no reason while people like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin used it for a reason. Howard said it's people like that who were sending Lenny Bruce to jail, who is she kidding?
Howard said that the funniest thing about Henry Hill was that Lisa G from Howard 100 News thought that Henry told her he wanted to cum on her face when he was actually saying ''I want a Caramel Macchiato please.'' Robin said that she doesn't believe she's ever been as drunk as Henry was. Artie said he has. Howard played another clip where Henry was complaining about being cold and asking for a girlfriend.
Ben told Howard that the guy on that roundtable tape had no reason to compare mine safety to Howard. They were equating the salary of a miner to the money Howard is making. It's a ridiculous comparison. Howard changed the subject and asked his father if he likes doing the Meet the Sterns show on SIRIUS. Howard told him that he doesn't want them to do it if they don't really enjoy it. Ben said that they do get off the show and are on a high but they're just amateurs when it comes to doing a radio show. Ben said that he would rather not do a weekly show but perhaps once a month. Howard said that will work and he would love that. He said they can always stop doing it when they want.
Ben said that while you're doing the show you feel you're doing a good job because everyone treats them so well. He talked about how great they're treated up there when they come up. Robin said she thinks that they do like it but they don't want the pressure of doing a weekly show. Howard asked to talk to his mother but Ben wasn't sure where she was. She came over a short time later.
Howard asked his mother Ray if she would enjoy doing the show once a month and if she likes doing the show. Ray said that she's doing it for Howard. She doesn't do it for herself. Howard said if that's the case then he doesn't want her to do it. Ray said that she does have some pressure on her when she does the show but she will do it if he wants her to. She wasn't giving him a straight answer. Artie thinks that they both don't like doing the show but Robin thinks that Ray doesn't like it but Ben does.
Howard said he doesn't want to ask them to do the show if they really don't enjoy it. Robin said it sounds like his father enjoys it but his mother doesn't. Gary heard that Ray doesn't like going into the city so maybe they could put them up in a hotel. Ray said she's not looking for that and they have been treated very well so far. Howard thought about replacing his mother with another woman, like a stripper from Scores. Howard told his mother that he loves her on the show and that she does a great job. She found that hard to believe.
Ray asked Howard what his problem is with Oprah. That got Howard talking about how Oprah is such a big influence in women's lives that they pay more attention to her than they do to their own husbands. Ray said that's out of wack and an exaggeration. Howard and the guys argued with Ray about the way Oprah changes women and makes them think that they should act a certain way. She's a know-it-all according to Robin and she doesn't appreciate the way she talks a good game but doesn't follow her own rules. She gives advice on kids and marriage but she doesn't have kids and she's not married.
Robin told Ray that Oprah lives in a building where only one pet is allowed yet she has 3 pets in her apartment and no one says a thing to her. That's not right. Ray didn't think that was such a big deal. She told Howard that she loves the new studio that he's working in and he's very lucky to be there. Howard said he'll talk to her some more about doing the Meet the Sterns thing some other time. He let her go right after that.
Jon Hein came in to talk about what they'll be covering on The Wrap Up Show after Howard's show. Jon said that they'll have the comedians from the roast in to talk about their experience. Gary said that Ralph isn't invited to the Wrap Up Show because they've heard enough from him today. Artie said that he had some roast material for Jon Hein... He told a couple of one liners where he called Jon a nerd and told him that his Wrap Up show jumped the shark 10 days ago... and if he looks underneath him right now, he'll see a shark.
Jon said they'll also ask the In Demand crew how they get to find Henry Hill and cover it. Howard said he knows how that happens, he had to yell at people to cover it while they were in a meeting yesterday. Mike Gange said that as soon as they heard that Henry was downstairs drunk, they ran down there to get him on camera. Howard said that they should be covering the guy the whole time he's there because the fans want to see the behind the scenes stuff.
Howard said that they better get the camera on Danny Bonaduce all next week because he's a train wreck. Artie was doing his impression of Danny and talking about how great the VH1 ''Breaking Bonaduce'' show has been. He just caught up on that show recently and he loves some of the stuff that went on during that show. Gary told Howard that they have a whole page of Danny audio clips that he can play. He played the clip that Artie always imitates.
Then he played one clip where he freaks out over a picture that was taken of his wife getting her back rubbed. Danny got pissed when he found that out. Howard played a clip where Danny confronts one of the band members who was there when the guitar player stood over his wife in the picture. The guy had to apologize for not being his boy and helping him out.
Howard had George Flowers doing his impression of Danny but it sounded more like an angry pirate instead of Danny Bonaduce. Ralph told him to stick to doing the news. Howard had Robin get to her news but she wasn't quite ready since they don't get many breaks. That led to Ralph complaining that he hasn't had the chance to take a bathroom break. Howard told him that no one is stopping him from doing that and Artie started to laugh his ass off. He thought that line was the funniest of the show today because no one cares if Ralph takes a break or not.
Bong Hit Eric called in during the news and said that the roast from earlier was great. He said that everything about it gives you the full effect of what a roast can be like. Another caller suggested that they roast Danny Bonaduce next week. Howard said they might have to put him in a straight jacket and then roast him. Howard said they could mess with his wife in front of him and really drive him nuts. Robin finished up her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the show talking about how hard it is to believe that they're on satellite radio now. He also talked about a nice valentine's date card he got from Wendy the Retard and one from Mariann from Brooklyn. He showed off the card from Wendy and the handwriting was very hard to understand from what he was saying. He threw that out after sharing it with everyone in the studio. He said he saves his kid's stuff but he doesn't save stuff from fans like that.
Howard tried to take a call but the caller was unable to hear what was going on because he was listening to his radio. He called Adam a cocksucker and told him to talk to him but the guy was still unable to hear him. The caller said that he couldn't hear anything on the phone but that's because he was listening to the radio. They eventually discovered that there was actually a problem with the phones. Howard was going to put the guy on hold because he was pissed.
Thom the Tech came in and tried to help figure out what was going on. Howard told him this kind of crap has to work every morning. He's trying to work. Howard had Fred go to break so they could figure out what was wrong. Thom told Howard that he was in there last night and may have done something to screw it up.
Howard told the guys about how he met Ronnie back when he was working in Hartford. He said Ronnie started writing to him after he drove him and he was writing it in Crayon or something. Ronnie said that it wasn't in Crayon, it was a nice letter that he wrote to him. Howard tried to tell the story but Ronnie told him it was bull crap.
Howard said he got the letter and Ronnie told him he wanted to be his friend or something. He was going around telling people that he was his biggest fan. NBC agreed to get him a limo back then and Ronnie was the one who came through with a reasonable price. He put up with his nuttiness because of the price of the limo. Ronnie said that he actually started working for him shortly before they went to K-Rock. He also said he knew what that letter said. He told Howard the letter said that he was a big fan and had been listening for a while. Howard said that's not true and he still has the letter so he'll bring it in to read it.
Yesterday Ronnie called into the Bubba the Love Sponge show on Howard 101 and started complaining about how Artie isn't really his friend. Ronnie ended up cursing on that show even after Howard told him he's not allowed to anymore. Howard told Ronnie that he's not funny when he curses but people like Bob Levy are funny. He doesn't mind when some people curse but it bothers him when Ronnie does.
Howard said that Ronnie is constantly using the F-word and the C-word and it's got to stop. He played a clip of Ronnie talking about how he doesn't think Artie is his friend anymore because he never goes out to lunch with him. He was having that discussion on the Wrap Up show recently. Ronnie really does seem to have a problem with Artie but he swears he doesn't really care.
Howard told Ronnie that he's being a baby about all of that stuff. Artie said that he has asked Ronnie to go to lunch sometimes but he's always got to work so he can't go. Ronnie thinks that he asks when he knows that he can't go so things never work out. Artie told him that he's delusional and he really thought that they were friends. Ronnie said he's not friends with anyone, he barely hangs out with his girlfriend Dana.
Robin said that Scott the Engineer hates him as well. He was talking about him on Howard 100 News this week and going off on him as well. Ronnie kept saying that he doesn't care but he wouldn't just drop it and move on. Ronnie said that he called into Bubba's show last night to talk about the upcoming roast and Bubba seemed to be afraid to talk about what was coming up. Ronnie said he told Bubba to just let it rip and go off on him all he wants.
Ronnie said that Dan the Song Parody Man offered to write some jokes for him but he'd rather have a dead man write for him. He said no one else was willing to write anything for him so he didn't take his jokes. Robin thought that Ronnie was having a breakdown and acting like a bitch. Howard told Ronnie to just sit there and take it.
Captain Janks called in and said that he couldn't sleep last night because he was looking forward to this show so much. He also asked Howard to play some bits that Sal and Richard did yesterday so that's just what he did. He played the Ronnie Mund Show - Tonight Show parody that was played on yesterday's show. There was also the 'Curse Master Jr.' bit that was also played yesterday. Howard replayed that and Janks said he can't wait for the roast that they had coming up. Howard played the ''Four Foot Angry Jew'' song parody that Richard created too.
Ralph called in and said he sees a major meltdown coming from Ronnie today. He said someone had better check him for weapons before roasting him. He also told Howard about how bad Ronnie has been complaining about stuff lately. Howard reminded Ralph that he was interrupting all of the comedians during his roast last month as well so he shouldn't talk. He does think it's funny when Ralph laughs at Ronnie though.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if they'll ever do a big roast where they have a lot of people and roast someone big. Howard said that today they've got a full studio and they may move the roast into the ''fish bowl'' studio but then it's not as much fun. He said he then thought about doing a show at night and do it at a venue where they could invite a bunch of people and replay it in the morning. He said the TV guys were worried about that because of the costs of moving cameras around but they'll work everything out.
Artie said that the way they do the roasts on Comedy Central is torture because the comedians have to eat in front of the audience. Howard said they won't do anything like that, they'll just do a couple of hours at a place where they can get in and out quickly.
Another caller said he wanted to talk about Ronnie a little bit. He said that he doesn't get why he thinks Artie doesn't like him. Howard thinks that Ronnie is just paranoid. He said that it's going to be a great roast today. Artie said that there are some people you just can't talk to and Ronnie seems to be one of those guys who has his mind set and it can't be changed.
A caller told Howard that he's sick of Bubba the Love Sponge and wants to hear more Crack-Whore View instead. Howard said that show is on hiatus and in redevelopment. He said that they weren't ''street'' enough for the show and they have to figure out how to change that.
A woman called in and said that the show is better than ever and she can't wait for the roast today. She loves Ronnie and the rest of the guys. She also said that there was a local radio station up in Albany where they were playing one of Sal's prank calls. Howard wanted to find out what company owns the station so he can do something about it. Sal said the call is the ''My Turbin is Dirty'' call that he did back at K-Rock. Howard said he'll get on that.
The woman asked Robin about the days when she was using sausage to pleasure herself and if she warmed it up. Robin said she would put it in warm water. Howard and Artie were having some fun goofing around with the sausage word. Howard said that if he was a woman, he'd be shoving everything in there.
Gary said that he spoke to Tim and Tim said that he asked Eric what he was going to do on the show and he didn't have a plan so he decided not to put it on the air. Howard said that was the whole idea of the show, it's going to be a train wreck and that's what they want. Gary said that Eric also put up a posting on a message board where he gave his phone number and Tim's phone number and a bunch of e-mail addresses because of what was going on.
Tim came in and told Howard that he can't put him on the air without a plan because it's going to sound awful. Howard told him that's what he expects and he should just give him the show. It's going to be horrible and he already knows that. Tim said he wasn't too happy about Eric putting his phone number on a message board either.
Howard wanted to know what Eric plans on doing so he asked him to tell them what it was going to be. Eric said he e-mailed Tim yesterday but he couldn't remember what he said. Tim said that Eric wants a bunch of guests for the show and he doesn't want to spend any money on the show if it's going to be horrible. Howard said that Eric seems to like to call in and demand shows but he can never come through when he has to.
Howard talked about last night's American Idol for a short time. Gary said that Eric had posted something on a message board where he asked people to write down the phone numbers to call for the voting on American Idol. He said he found that to be pretty funny. Howard and Gary were talking about some of the contestants on this season and how young some of them are. There's one chick who had a horrible looking ass that they spent a minute talking about.
Howard got the notes that Eric sent to Tim Sabean. Eric said that some of the ideas came from people on MySpace. He wrote about the people he wants on the show and none of them are lined up for the show. Howard joked that Brian Dunkleman will carry him to the bathroom at some point. Eric said he didn't write that one though. Howard read through more of the notes where Eric explained what he'd be doing and didn't understand some of his stuff. Howard said he really has to hear this show. Eric thinks that he can get an interview with some of the contestants from Idol but that probably won't happen.
Howard said he kind of likes the rundown that Eric has for the show and he can't wait to hear it. Eric said that he'll be doing this show on March 8th. He said he posts the notes on his MySpace account. Robin said she never goes there because it scares her... because people like Eric and ''Da Bad Ass'' (JD) are on there.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked what happened to Debbie the Space Alien. Howard told her that she died many years ago. The woman had no idea. She was also talking about how she was doing a ratings book for Arbitron and had to cancel that because she's no longer listening to terrestrial radio. She told Howard that she told them that she wants to listen to people speak like adults so she switched to satellite radio.
Howard read some ratings info about KLSX which was his Los Angeles affiliate. They went from a 4.1 share in December to a 1.9 share in January. They said that people are kind of heading away with the station since Howard left. The woman said that she thought that Crazy Misty from yesterday's show sounded kind of like Debbie the Space Alien and that's actually why she called in.
In the first clip Tyra said that the fear they feel is absolute terror. She then talks about being afraid of dolphins. She went to Sea World to conquer her fear... of dolphins. Howard said he might be afraid of dolphins but he would never know because he's never near them. In one clip Tyra explains her fear but doesn't have a very good explanation for why she's afraid of them. He said the loud music in the clip was probably to drown out her stupidity. In another clip she starts to cry as she's confronting her fear.
Howard said that there is no reason to confront her fears unless she wants to be a dolphin trainer or something. He played more of the audio and said that it sounds like she was raped by a dolphin with this fear she has. There's another woman who had a fear of pennies. Howard played that clip and Artie was laughing his ass off as he listened. Howard said that he needs to put this crap on the ''Who Gives a Shit'' channel. The woman said that she has family members who will throw pennies on teh floor and laugh at her. Howard wrapped up after that and said that they still had the roast to get to and BEetlejuice too. He wnet to break a short time later.
Lisa told Howard that Sal will have a special report today about the pet peeves that people have about Penny Crone. Penny will have another report on her series of pet peeve reports and today's will be Will Murray. Robin said she's heard some of that stuff lately and yesterday's was about Artie. She heard some interesting stuff during that one.
Lisa told Howard that they'll have a preview of a show called ''Basic Training'' that Brent Hatley from Bubba's show put together. Howard said that it's kind of a serious show but Brent is a bright guy and he has a lot to say about the war in Iraq and it should be good. Howard let Lisa go so Gary came in and told Howard that Brent Hatley was there so he had him bring him in.
Brent told Howard that they've got a lot of stuff to talk about on that Basic Training show. He said that they actually have one guy who supports the war and has a pretty positive perspective on it. Brent doesn't feel the same way as that guy and that's what they'll be discussion on this show tonight. Howard and Brent spent a couple of minutes talking about the crazy stuff going on in Iran and North Korea.
Brent showed Howard his latest tattoo which is Howard's fist logo on his leg. Howard thought that was pretty extreme. Brent also brought up the ratings of KLSX out in Los Angeles and talked about how bad Adam Carolla is doing there. They also talked a little bit about David Lee Roth. Brent said that he heard that the people who hired Roth aren't too happy with what they have. Howard said that it could take a year to a year and a half before those guys find their audience though. He said it may even take up to 2 years for Roth to find an audience but the company has to give him time.
Howard said that he's heard things about what goes on over there at the old K-Rock and he could shock people with what he knows. He said there is a lot of fighting going on over there. He understands why Roth wants potted plants and stuff over there because it's like a morgue over there. Howard wanted to bring in Beetlejuice next. He spent a few more minutes talking to Brent and then brought him in.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about what happened to his manager Sean. Beet said that he's doing okay after suffering from a stroke. Howard asked Beet if he's more of a man than Sean is. Beetle told Howard that he told Sean that he is more of a man because he didn't have a stroke himself.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about making a call to 911 after finding Sean on the floor of their house. Beet said he walked in and found him laying there so he just picked him up and put him over his shoulder and carried him out with one hand. He said he put him on the couch after picking him up. Howard asked him what he did when he actually called 911 and tried to reenact what happened. Howard played the part of the 911 operator. Beet played along and told the operator what was wrong. He was about to give out his address so Howard cut him off and reminded him that he wasn't the real 911 operator.
Beetlejuice said that Sean's wife Michelle is managing him while Sean is recovering. You can book Beet for gigs by going through JollyDwarf.com. Howard gave him a plug for that site and then took some phone calls.
One phone caller had the dump button hit on him. Howard said he hit the delay because there was too much profanity and said something about the desperation over at XM growing and growing. He got back to Beet and talked to him about his career and asked if Sean is going to be okay. Beetle seems to think he'll be just fine but he won't be able to have sex.
Howard told Beetlejuice that he welcomed him to the world of satellite and wondered why he wasn't cursing. Beet said that he has no reason to curse so he won't be doing that. Howard said that Beet used to curse all the time over at the other station and they'd have to hit the delay on him. Howard asked Beet some questions about what's going on in the world with Hammas and stuff like that. Beet just played along and gave answers that sounded good to him. Howard asked him about the death of Rosa Parks and Beet rambled a little bit about nothing, not making any sense at all.
Howard asked Beetlejuice about Brokeback Mountain which he didn't know anything about. He also asked him about Dick Cheney's shooting and Beet seems to think that he should go to jail. The guys even asked him what his favorite curse word is of all time but Beet wouldn't say it. He said he'll never curse on satellite because he's too simple to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Beet to tell the truth about Sean. He said that Sean was cleaning out his diaper pail and passed out. He was trying to get Beet to curse but he just wouldn't do it. Beetle told him he looks like a ''black jew'' but that was as dirty as he'd get. The caller said that it was the smell of the diaper pail that made Sean pass out. Beetlejuice said he doesn't wear diapers. Howard said that Beet shits right in his pants like a real man.
Another caller said that Sean had a heart attack because Beet was banging his wife. Beetlejuice said that he bangs her (not really) because he loves her and she loves him. Beet said that Sean doesn't even know that he's banging her. Another caller said he heard that Beet was sleeping with his wife and he found his underwear in his room. Beetlejuice wasn't falling for that and said he was never there. He said if he was really banging her, his wife wouldn't be there any longer, she'd be right out the door. Howard wrapped up with Beet and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that they had comedians Bob Levy, Rappin' Granny, Sal the Stockbroker, Jim Florentine, Artie Lange, Richard Christy, Mike Morse, Don Jamieson, Shuli, Yucko the Clown and Bubba the Love Sponge there to roast Ronnie. He had some problems with his boom microphone so he had to cut that off. He then moved on to Bubba the Love Sponge who is making an appearance on MSNBC tonight.
He said he heard that Bubba prepares for stuff like that by taking water pills to help him lose weight. Howard spoke to Bubba about that for a short time. Bubba said he tries to look his best so he tries to lose a few pounds before going on TV shows. He said it's an old Hulk Hogan trick to take the pills before doing stuff like that just to lose some of his bloat. He said he can lose 3 or 4 pounds in one day but you gain it right back when you drink something.
Howard had to change the way they were working microphones in the studio. Gary thought he was covering an area that Howard actually wanted two people to cover. JD was working a boom microphone but he was sitting on the floor and the microphone was making noise. He had to toss the microphone out because it was making so much noise and it wasn't a real ''boom microphone'' like he requested. JD was moving it around and it was making all kinds of strange noises. Gary had to ask for Scott the Engineer to come in and help out. Howard was pissed that he couldn't get his audience mic'd. Scott came in and said that the staff there at SIRIUS made the microphone, he didn't have anything to do with it. He also told Howard they can't move that thing around like JD was doing. Howard said he wanted to hang himself while all of that was going on. Howard said the audience was about 20 or 30 people.
Ronnie was nowhere to be found so Gary said he wanted to make an entrance. A minute later Ronnie came in with two Scores dancers, Brook and Dakota, and another hot chick by the name of Robin. That was the entrance he wanted to make. Ronnie let Howard know that the one girl wasn't a dancer (but she was the hottest of the three, I was there), she was just a civilian.
Howard turned everything over to Bob Levy and had him start off the roast. Bob didn't waste any time on anyone else, he started right in on Ronnie. He said that Ronnie is the only guy he can stand next to and feel young again. He had a bunch of jokes about his height and age and goofed on him about being a security guard. He also goofed on his tight fitting shirts and how he once ran away from Gary Busey when he was attacking Robin and Howard. He also said that he's so small that when he gets on an airplane, he is carry on luggage. Bob goofed on Ronnie about being Howard's driver and even goofed on him about his dead dog. He said that when the dog died, it went up to heaven and requested a name change to ''lucky.''
Next up was Rappin' Granny who had some pretty funny jokes. She had some gifts for Ronnie from the guy who manages her. Howard thought she was going to bomb but she was actually getting some laughs with her material. Gary seemed to find a lot of her jokes to be pretty funny. She was goofing on him about his limo driving and how he has to clean up vomit and stripper doody from his limo. Howard told her to quit while she was ahead and had her sit down.
Bob introduced Sal the Stockbroker who was up next. Sal started in by goofing on Bob Levy and his leather jacket. He then started in on Ronnie and made a lot of Jew jokes about him. He was pretty brutal but Howard was laughing his ass off. He said that Ronnie is so old that he got a lap dance from Anne Frank. He made fun of his height and asked who guards the top half of Howard when Ronnie is guarding the lower half. Sal got a little personal when he attacked Ronnie's wife but he was killing with most of his jokes.
Howard asked Ronnie how he was doing. Ronnie was doing just fine with the 3 hot chicks surrounding him. Bob said he likes to look over and see 4 pussies sitting there. He introduced Jim Florentine who goofed on him a little bit. He also goofed on Yucko a little bit and suggested to him that he finally wash that clown uniform of his. He did a couple of quick jokes about Artie and Shuli before moving on to Ronnie. He goofed on Ronnie's height just like the other guys were doing. He mentioned something about Ronnie having to sit on 4 phone books to see over the steering wheel. He cracked a few other jokes and Ronnie wasn't impressed. He said that Jim sucked but did thank him for bringing in Robin (the hot chick). Jim said that Ronnie is so old that when he reaches for his gun he pulls out a colostomy bag. He also said that he got a lap dance at Scores and shot a load in his diaper. He joked that he's so old that when he drove past a grave yard the other day and the workers started chasing him with shovels. Jim did a few other jokes and wrapped up his set. Ronnie still didn't like his act and asked him if it's true that when he bombs on a roast that he'll never work again. Jim and Ronnie went back and forth goofing on each other for a few seconds.
Ronnie was crying about all of his jokes so Bob said that maybe they just went over his head... another short joke. Bob then brought up the next roaster, Artie Lange. Artie got up and started goofing on everyone and killed. He goofed on Ronnie first and asked why he would hang out with him, he's already got someone to drive him to work. Then he said that he's so short that you can see his feet in his driver's license picture. Artie goofed on Bob Levy a little bit about how old he looks. He was also goofing on Bob complaining about Dave Chappelle stealing one of his jokes. Artie goofed on Bubba a little bit about the water pills he's taking. He also goofed on Sal the Stockbroker a little bit. He even went off on Penny Crone and Howard Stern a little bit. He pointed out that Howard hired a whole news team to report on him and called him a pompous ass. He also suggested some more Round Table shows to discuss Howard. Artie had a few more jokes about Ronnie and then wrapped up. Ronnie said that he did like the way Artie ripped open Howard's asshole. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had Bob Levy get back to the roast. He brought up Richard Christy who had a song to perform live for Ronnie. Richard performed a song to the tune of AC/DC's ''You Shook Me All Night Long'' called ''That Jew is a Grumpy Asshole.'' The audience sang along with him for the chorus.
Bob introduced comedian Mike Morse next. Mike goofed on Bob a little bit about his age and spelling abilities. He goofed on Shuli and Sal the Stockbroker too. He had a bunch of funny stuff about those guys and about Artie. Then he moved on to Ronnie and joked about his height and asked Howard if he hired him because he was getting death threats from Dakota Fanning. He also asked Howard ''...what's next, hiring Cabbie to do your taxes?'' He said that Ronnie is about as popular as a cold sore on a dick. He went through a bunch of other jokes about Ronnie's love for NASCAR and then wrapped up.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he wishes that he was there because he thinks Ronnie was an asshole. Artie said that Jeff is the only person who wishes he were there. Jeff barely got in a few words before Artie started doing his impression of him. Howard asked Ronnie if he was okay because he looked upset. Ronnie said that he was fine and goofed on Mike Morse about not knowing who the guy is... just like Ralph did a month ago.
Next up was Don Jamieson. Don goofed on Bob about his drinking and then said that he had just tripped over Rappin' Granny's twat on his way up to the microphone. He then started goofing on Ronnie. He said his driving is so bad that Billy Joel won't even get in the car with him. He also said that he's so old that he'll be a vegetable in a few years... and then Robin can masturbate with him. He continued to goof on Ronnie relentlessly for a couple more minutes. His closing joke didn't go over very well though.
Howard told Bob that he really loves this roast show he's doing. He took a call from a guy who said that Artie and Sal had done the best on the roast... but it wasn't over yet. Bob introduced Shuli next and said he couldn't be anymore Jewish if his parents had named him Kike. Shuli got up to the mic and goofed on Sal the Stockbroker for a short time. He also goofed on Penny Crone from Howard 100 News a little bit. He eventually got to Ronnie and said that he was looking at the girls surrounding him and wondered who had more plastic, their tits or his hip. He killed with a bunch of other jokes about his height and things like that. He said he's never known anyone who puts on a t-shirt with a shoe horn... and then let Ronnie know that they do make a size medium now.
Captain Janks asked if they could do this Ronnie Roast every night. Bob said they might be able to make that happen. Howard took a couple more calls and people thought that Ronnie was crying over all of this. Ronnie wasn't crying but he sure sounded angry as he called one caller a moron.
Yucko the Clown was next up. He goofed on Bob a little bit about the Diner gig he's doing this weekend. Bob reminded him that he's appearing with him. Yucko moved on to Ronnie a short time later and had a bunch of funny jokes about his age. He would honk his trademark horn each time he told a joke as usual. At one point he stumbled over one line and Ronnie took that chance to say that he was bombing. He told Yucko to give it up because no one was laughing. They were laughing though so Ronnie was just busting his balls. Ronnie continued to talk about how he bombed but did say that he did kill on Ralph's roast.
Howard got back to Bob Levy who introduced the next roaster who was Bubba the Love Sponge. Bubba told everyone that he's not a comedian so he wasn't going to tell jokes about him. He said that he doesn't have any one liners or anything like that. He just wanted to talk to him a about what a fake and a phony he is. He tried to talk to Ronnie but Ronnie shot back and started goofing on him. He kept interrupting him as he was trying to ask him questions. Bubba was trying to find out why Ronnie had to bring in the girls as security. The two of them went back and forth for a short time.
Bubba brought along a bit that his guy Ned sent along about Ronnie. It was a Bud commercial parody that was pretty funny. Bubba also told the audience that they had some 50% off coupons for the audience. Artie said he didn't know that he could pre-record his bit next time so he can kill too. Bubba said that he's not a comedian that's why he did that.
Howard took a phone call from Bobo who said that this roast was great but Ronnie should sit down and take it without complaining. Ronnie said that's what he was doing even though he was complaining about it the whole time. Bob took over again and said they were going to bring Ronnie up to retaliate against everyone else. Howard interrupted and said he heard that the hot chick in the blue bikini wanted to take her top off. She whipped it off a few seconds later and everyone was impressed (I know I impressed... Damn she was hot!). Robin said that she's not a model, she works at a bank. Howard said it must be a sperm bank. Howard said that maybe she's a security guard and she went to the same school as Ronnie. Robin said that she would take her pants off if Ronnie did a good job with his retaliation. Everyone knew that she wouldn't be taking those things off.
Ronnie tried to retaliate but no one was laughing. He complained that Nick DiPaolo didn't show up for the roast like he was supposed to. He tried to goof on Bob about his jacket and his hair that he used to color. It wasn't going over very well though. He also complained that Benjy didn't participate in this thing. Benjy told a couple of the jokes he wrote. The guys figured it was best that he didn't participate after hearing the jokes.
Ronnie moved on to Bubba, who he called ''Bubber'' with his New York accent. He goofed on the outfit he was wearing but the jokes weren't working so Gary asked if Robin could take her pants off. Robin said that she would do it if the other girls did it. One of the strippers, Brook, said that she didn't want to do it but after taking a shot of Tequila, she did take her top off. She was afraid that her mother might see her and kill her. She asked what channel he was on and if her mother would see it. The guys told her that no one is going to see it. She took the shot and took off her top. Everyone cheered when she finally took it off.
Artie was taking a couple of shots as well. The two girls were standing next to each other topless. Brook didn't know that they weren't going to blur out her boobs. Robin took off her jeans and exposed her thong bikini bottom. Ronnie then grabbed her and walked her around the studio so everyone could see her (Did I mention how hot she was?). Howard just wanted to end it though because he was dragging this on too long. There were more shots of tequila being passed around the studio as that was going on. Ronnie tried to goof on the guys but there still wasn't any laughter.
Howard told Ronnie to stop because he was driving this roast right into the ground. He then wrapped up after mentioning everyone who participated in the roast. He also thanked the girls for coming in and went to break right after that.
Scott came in a short time later and said that it might be 10 times worse when Bob and his crew roast him. They spent a couple of minutes. Howard took a call from a guy who said something about there no being a portable SIRIUS unit that gets a live feed. That's not true but Howard said there is a phone that gets SIRIUS channels now.
Howard said that they didn't give all of those guys plugs during the roast. They got in a bunch of plugs for all of the sites that they could remember. Howard took another phone call from a guy who thought the roast went very well. Howard said that they may do something special for the next roast. They might do it at night so they can all have cocktails and do the roast at night.
Artie said that he has the ability to remember his jokes very easily. He said he wrote them down, read over them and remembered them. He said he used to do that back when he was on Mad TV. He could remember 6 sketches at a time back then. Howard said he was even able to do his lines without stumbling over anything as well.
Bob told Howard that they should start doing the club dates after they roast Scott. He's not big enough to make it worth doing in a club. Howard asked when they're going to start roasting some real celebrities. Bob said that after they do everyone on the show they'll be able to get anyone.
Jon Hein was there too so he gave a quick preview of what they'd be talking about on the Wrap Up show today. Most of that was going to focus on the Ronnie Roast of course. Howard then moved on to Steve the Intern who will be hosting the Intern Show tonight. He said that Gary will be sitting in with them as well as Mitch Vitell who used to be an intern there on the show. Gary said that Mitch will be on Howard's show in April.
Howard took some phone calls after that. One woman said that her father was killed over the weekend and got killed in a freak accident. She said that he was at a car wash and got hit by someone who was pulling out another car. Howard and Robin asked the woman if they're keeping the SIRIUS subscription. She said they would keep it for the year. Howard was just kidding and wondered why they would keep it for one more day after their father died.
Bob told Howard that his show Miserable Men will be back next month as well so he's happy about that. Howard let him go a short time later. Robin started her news after that.
Howard also mentioned that they'll be giving out the details for the upcoming Howard Stern Film Festival on tomorrow's show.
Howard had Robin finish up her news and ended the show pretty early, around 10:10am.
*This show was recorded on Thursday evening for replay on Friday morning.
Howard and the crew returned for their second show of the day around 6pm on Thursday. Howard started off the show saying that people shouldn't say that they're not getting their monies worth out of SIRIUS, they're there for a second show. He said he thought it would be fun to do a roast show at night so they could drink so that's why they're doing the show.
Gary came in and said that he's already stressed because Artie isn't there. They're trying to call him but they haven't gotten in touch with him. He said that a friend of Artie's is there at SIRIUS but Artie isn't there. Robin asked how Artie could miss his own roast.
Artie showed up a few seconds later and said that traffic coming in from Jersey was rough. His sleeping rules don't work at night. He said he just dealt with rush hour coming in. He also said that he got a nap that lasted a couple of hours.
Howard said there was a great layout of food from this guy from the Bown Park Deli. He was also talking about how George Flowers was asking him for a picture when he came in and then the deli guy asked him for one as well. He was in a rush to get into the studio because he only had 15 minutes to get ready. There's a whole party going on out there in the lobby. Everyone is out there busting balls too.
The guys talked about how great Bob is on stage when he goes up but his writing abilities are pretty bad. Artie said that Bob has been doing great acts for many years but he does the same act. He said he even knows the joke that Bob does before ending his act. Artie said he's been working on a new act of his own and he'll have all new material when he goes on the road again.
Levy came in and said that Artie is full of shit and his act is different every time. He said that Artie is the one who does the same material every show. He went at him for a few seconds but Howard interrupted him and asked him to say ''Hedonism'' again. Bob tried but it wasn't working. He asked Bob about the old jokes he's been telling and asked about an old Peppermint Patty joke he still uses. Bob said it's a funny joke and it still works.
Howard asked told Bob to say ''He... Don.. Ism'' and got him to put them together to make one word. It worked but Bob couldn't say it again when he was asked.
Howard wanted Bob to do some of his big head material but he didn't want to do it. Bob insists that he has new stuff in his act every time but no one believed that. Bob said that anyone out there who has seen him would say that his act is 30-40 percent different every time.
Howard said that Nick DiPaolo was supposed to do the show tonight but his manager called and told them that they had to get him out of there by 8pm. They're supposed to start the roast at 8. Howard said they're going to start the roast a little early at 7:30 instead.
Artie was goofing on Bob about the jokes that he tells and how he repeats them all the time. He was going to do the material but Bob went off on him about not having his own stuff. Howard let Bob go so he could do some other things.
Captain Janks called in and said that this is a big event in Philly because there are people holding parties and stuff by his house. Howard said this is going to be big. Janks thinks that TV shows are going to get lower ratings because so many people will be listening to this roast.
Howard took another call from a guy down in Louisiana who thanked Howard for doing a great show. Another guy asked how long it was going to be until something gay happened on the show. Howard said that Sal and Richard are going to get their rectal temperatures taken by Robin so that will happen sometime soon.
Howard whipped through a bunch of phone calls and let some people get in a few words. Everyone was looking forward to the roast. One guy said this was like the old WNBC days with Howard being on in the evening.
Howard mentioned that he had a lot of stuff to read through. Robin wondered when they were going to start drinking. Howard wasn't sure. He played more of Bob Levy trying to say Hedonism again and got a few more laughs out of that.
Howard said hello to Kerry and Lisette who were going to be handing out the drinks for everyone there. One of the girls was going to be the bartender and the other was going to be the cocktail waitress. Gary hadn't gotten Howard the names on a list so he went off on him about eating out in the office. Gary said he didn't even have that much and this had nothing to do with him eating.
Howard ordered up some drinks. Robin had a glass of champagne. Howard ordered Kettle One and club soda. Artie ordered a Jack and Water with lots of ice and a big straw. He likes to get that stuff into his blood system quick. No lime or lemon in that either. Benjy got a vodka and diet soda. Howard wanted them to give him regular soda but Benjy wanted the diet. Fred ordered a McCallum Scotch and Gary had a Heineken.
Howard asked Gary where the Eric stuff was and he had a mouth full of food so he had a tough time answering. He found the song that Eric was going to reference in his call so he played that. It was the one that Sal and Richard created. Eric also doesn't like the prank phone call that Sal and Richard made to a balloon store using clips of his voice. Howard played that as well.
Howard isn't sure why Eric is so upset about that stuff but now he's left a message for them that may be the strongest one he's left yet. He played the voice mail and Eric said that two things are going to happen before he comes in to fly. He said that hell will freeze over and pigs will fly before he subjects himself to that shit for that big nosed asshole of a boss of Will's. He said he's not going to do it and he's going to call Katherine McPhee and warn her against going on the show. He said he doesn't give a shit if he doesn't get to meet her. He said that Howard ruined his own chances of getting him on the show and now he's going to ruin his chances to get Katherine on the show.
Howard said that Eric is full of shit and they will get Eric to fly and they will get Katherine on the show. He thought it was a great message though.
Howard took his first sip and thanked the girls for the drink. He told them to go take a breather. He thanked Scores for sending the girls over.
Jeff the Drunk called in but Howard got distracted by the floor in the studio because it was so noisy. Gary said they're working on a fix but they'd have to rip up the whole floor to do it. Artie got his food but he was complaining that some of the foods had been mixed on the plate. The deli guy, Joe, came in so Artie told him he screwed up and got potato salad next to the other stuff. He said the food was really good though. The broccoli raab was really good. He and Joe spent a couple of minutes going over the food while Artie was stuffing his mouth. He said it was the best Broccoli Raab he's ever had.
Jeff the Drunk said that he should have been there tonight but Howard told him he's too high maintenance though. He was also supposed to be mourning over the death of his mother. Howard told him he needs a good year away from the show.
Jeff is back to doing nothing after his mother died. Artie joked that Jeff's mother is probably happy now that she's dead. She doesn't have to be around him and be miserable. Howard noticed that Artie was stuffing his face with food so he goofed on him a little bit about that.
Howard asked Jeff when he went back to not working after his mother died. That happened pretty quick. Gary came in and asked if they could play the voice mail he left on the day his mother died. Jeff didn't want him to play it yet but he eventually caved in and gave permission.
Howard was downing his vodka pretty quick so he told Gary to get on top of things and get more drinks in there. Howard asked Jeff when he's going to go back to beating off. Jeff said he's not sure when he's going to do that. Howard asked him if he's gone through his mother's stuff trying to find money. He said he hasn't done that. He's had a tough time since coming home from after his mother died and had to get over everything. He took a load of laundry out of the dryer and it was all his mother's clothes. They went right into the garbage after that.
Howard wondered if Jeff's mother had any jewelry that he'll try to sell. Jeff said his sisters have all of that so he's got none. Gary found the voice mail that Jeff left for them on the day his mother died. Howard played the clip and we hear Jeff asking that they not have Howard 100 News come to his mother's funeral to make a mockery of it. Howard said that's really self-centered of Jeff to even suggest that they'd do that. He said they did it for Clif Palette when he passed away.
Howard said it's funny how Jeff would do something like that on the day his mother died. He told Jeff that his whole life was a mockery of his mother. Jeff claims he took care of his mother but Howard thinks she was taking care of him.
Gary said that Colin Quinn was there and he loves Jeff so much that he does an impression of him falling down and actually falls when he does it. Colin did his impression and showed Howard what happens when he falls over on the show that's on Howard TV. Colin said the funny part is that Jeff has one arm and he wants to get into a fight with guys who have two arms. Howard told Colin to go back to the green room so he could make an entrance later.
Penny came in so Howard asked her what the guy's name was. She said it was ''Al Kazari'' which wasn't even close. Jason came in and said that Will heard her say the name wrong so he told everyone to keep it going. Penny said he was ready to quit because everyone is always making fun of her. She left but didn't sound like she was serious about quitting.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Jeff the Drunk has been calling her and complaining that she doesn't call him back fast enough. Howard told Jessica that he had a lot to get to so he had to let her go. He took a few more phone calls after Jessica's call.
Howard was waiting for his second drink while everyone else was still working on theirs. He said that the roast is almost ready to go and they have the studio set up for the audience and for the comedians. The girls brought in a couple more drinks for the guys but Howard was the only one ready for one. Gary told Howard that Richard was already drunk and wobbling around.
JD asked to get a Jack and Coke. He had been at work since 2 in the morning so he was going to be wasted pretty quick. Richard came in and said he had about 5 beers already. He said he drank them pretty fast and he's been ''cheers-ing'' everybody there. He said he loves the guys there and this is great. Howard asked the girls to get JD a drink. He is over 21 even though he looks 14. Artie said he not only looks 14 but makes the salary of a 14 year old.
Howard wanted JD to hit on one of the girls so JD tried. The guys were trying to give him some advice on what to say but it wasn't going to work. JD knew that he would never get a girl like that. She told him that she loves that Clay Aiken look and JD walked out of the studio. Howard was starting to get a little belligerent and it was only an hour into the show.
Richard wanted to play a drinking game but when he described it, no one was interested. Artie got his second drink a short time later. Richard asked for a vodka and pineapple so they ordered that up for him. Gary told Howard that they had the video ready to go that they played on this morning's show that makes Richard puke. They played it and Richard started dry heaving right away. Howard was laughing his ass off while Richard struggled and dry heaved.
Richard checked out the video and kept puking. Will came in and asked if they wanted to take a breathalyzer test on him. He quickly did that but it wasn't working. Will tried again after resetting the tester. Fred was doing an impression of Richard puking as they were trying to get that to work. It still wasn't coming around though.
Howard downed his second drink and Gary asked him if he wanted some food from Nobu. Richie Notar brought up some food for them. Howard asked Gary to make up a plate for him. He had to take a break after that but he had a ton of stuff to get to. He mentioned a bunch of the stuff he had and asked Robin what she wanted to do next.
Howard said that they're going to do this show live from 6-10 and then they'll replay this morning's show and then play this show in the morning on Friday.
Howard read through some e-mail and one person wrote that they were really upset about Artie being in a movie called ''Artie'' that runs on Lifetime. Artie said he still gets checks from that movie and he doesn't seem to mind that it's running on Lifetime.
Howard read through some mail from people who want to hear certain old clips from the classic show archives. There were a ton of things that people asked to hear. He was also reading through some other stuff and screwing up his delivery because he was drunk.
Howard said that he heard from David Spade today and he said he was sorry for not calling in because he must have lost his mind when he got mad at Howard for the comments he made about the article he wrote for Time magazine.
Howard was ready to move on to the roast because he was so wasted already. Artie wasn't wasted yet so he was ready to keep drinking while Howard was pretty wasted already. He wanted to play something for Eric the Midget but when he went to play it the clip wasn't there. He gave up.
Howard wondered just how drunk he was because he felt so wasted. Fred found the song that Howard was looking for so he played it for him. It was the song that Sal sang as Eric the Midget. Howard then took a breathalyzer test to see just how high he was.
Howard was going to do a tribute to Dan the Song Parody Man but he didn't think he would do it justice. He had one bit he wanted to play instead. He tried taking the breathalyzer test and blew a .121 which is over the legal limit. Artie was up next. He tried blowing into the thing but wasn't able to keep much of a breath going. He blew a .38 but Will thought he had too much booze on his breath.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show sounds great at night. He thinks they should do a week's worth of shows at night. Howard said people like a fresh show in the morning so he'll probably keep it in the morning. He would be thrilled to do it at night though. Robin said they should give it a try and see what happens.
Chris from the waxing thing this morning called in and asked if he could try to defend his title. Howard never answered him and moved on to some other callers. One guy gave a shout out to SternFanNetwork since so many people were on posting tonight.
Gary asked if they wanted to have Richard come in and blow another breathalyzer. Howard didn't care, he was going to talk about something they were going to do to Sal out there but he dropped it. Richard came in again and sounded even more drunk than he was earlier. He said he can stay pretty coherent when he's drunk and can even do his comedy while he's wasted.
Richard went off on Artie for goofing on his act because he thought he was being cool before when he told him he did really well with his act. The two drunks were going back and forth and Richard thought Artie was fucking with him. Howard told him that Artie is being honest because he's drunk.
Artie said that he sucked when he first started out, everyone does. Richard asked how he gets people to laugh then. Artie said the people all know him from the show. Sal then came in and said that Richard is really awful. Richard was calling them motherfuckers and saying that they were just screwing with him trying to get him pissed off because he was drunk.
Howard told Richard to blow into the breathalyzer. He took in a big breath and Sal hocked up a snot while he was breathing which made him sick. Artie told Richard to pretend that he was doing stand up and blow... Richard said he thinks Artie is just being brutal because he knows what's coming up.
Richard blew a .32 so Howard told him to calm down and take a big breath and let it out slowly. Richard tried again and blew until he blew a .26. The legal limit is .08. Sal told Howard that before the test he took the tube and shoved it up his ass. They showed video of him doing it and Richard said that the joke is on him because he doesn't care. He called Sal some names but Howard told him that they were just joking around, they gave him a clean one.
The guys asked Richard if he would put the dirty one in his mouth. A short time later he grabbed it and put it in there. Richard said the thing really stunk and wanted it away from him. Sal said he took a dump a half hour before he stuck the thing in there. Richard heard that and tried to puke on Sal but they ended up getting into a bit of a fight. Richard said he managed to puke on Sal's hand.
Richard was bleeding for some reason so Howard told him to clean up. Richard said he wanted to show the guys that he can piss into a toilet from 5 feet away after having a few drinks. They were ready to film him but he wasn't quite ready to go. Howard had to go to break right after that before they got to the roast.
Before Howard got to the break Richard mentioned that he would tongue kiss Sal if they wanted him to. Sal told him to come over to him and spit on him when he went to kiss him. Everyone laughed their asses off. Richard spit on him and said he would get him back after that. Artie asked why he would do such a thing, Richard was looking for the sweetness of a man's tongue. Howard wished everyone luck with the roast and went to break.
Gary told Howard that Mutt and his wife were there in the audience. Howard was meeting him for the first time so he told him he's been doing a great job with the Superfan Roundtable. He explained how Mutt had never done radio before but he's doing a great job.
Artie's cousin was in the audience so Gary introduced those guys. Artie filled Howard in on how long his cousin has been listening. Howard didn't even know what mic to open because he was so drunk. Howard talked to Colin Quinn for a short time and then asked some of the crowd how they got in there. One guy was bumped from the Daniel Carver roast so Gary put him on the list for this one. Eddie the Produce Guy was there after winning the chance to come in this morning.
Howard said that one of the guys there is this guy from a U2 tribute band called The Unforgettable Fire. Howard spoke to him for a short time. Robin pointed out the guy who was trying to bang Siobhan so Howard talked to him a little bit. He said he smoked a blunt before he came in there.
Howard turned the roast over to Rev. Bob Levy who started off with a few jokes about JD and about Artie's movie. He had some trouble with the word rotisserie so Artie goofed on him about that. Bob joked that ''Dirty Work'' isn't a movie, it's what Dana calls it when she has to fuck him. Artie was coming back with a bunch of jokes as soon as Bob told his jokes. Bob got in some good digs at his girlfriend and father too.
Colin Quinn told Artie to shut up because the roast hadn't even started yet. Mariann got in a few words so Artie called her a cunt again. Bob introduced Nick DiPaolo who said that Bob Levy is proof that Hitler killed all of the funny Jews. He went off on Jim Florentine next and then hit Howard about being a billionaire and how he was working for nothing. Nick also joked about Howard's tiny dick and how he has to part his pubes to take a piss. He goofed on his nose. There were some Jew jokes in there as well.
Nick then went off on Robin about her father and had some black jokes in there too. He said that no one is happier about Robin's new boat than Daniel Carver because when he tells her to go back to Africa, she actually can. Nick moved on to Colin Quinn and hit him with a couple of funny jokes about his career. Yucko took some abuse after that. Sal the Stockbroker was next on Nick's list and took some abuse about being pussy whipped. He even hit Gary and goofed on his teeth and breath. Nick hit Lisa Lampanelli with a couple of jokes about her smelly pussy
Nick finally got to Artie and got in a bunch of jokes about him being fat and many other things. He was joking about his coke problems and about how he got fired from MAD TV because of that. Nick wrapped up after that and had to get running to Caroline's Comedy Club. Howard gave him a few plugs and turned it back over to Bob.
Bob introduced Crackhead Bob next. Crackhead Bob got up and asked Artie what was up with him and gave everyone a ''fuck you all.'' Bob tried to get everyone to read his t-shirt that he made up for the evening. Howard wondered why he was on the roast. Howard turned it back over to Bob Levy after that.
Levy introduced Jim Florentine who started off going off on Bob Levy. Jim thanked Bob for not putting him on the Daniel Carver roast. He got in a joke about Nick and then moved on to Artie. He got in a bunch of jokes about Artie and Dana's relationship. He goofed on him about crying at a Michael Jackson concert. He also got in some digs about the load he took on his chest one time. He made fun of his movie career and said that his father didn't fall off the roof, he saw ''Dirty Work'' and jumped. He got in a few jokes about Artie's dad that didn't go over too well and had people moaning. Jim wrapped up and said that he knows that Artie has an addictive personality and he's hoping that he doesn't decide to suck a dick some day. Howard went to break after that.
Shuli got up and goofed on Bob a little bit about the Daniel Carver roast since that didn't go to well. He also got Yucko the Clown with a few jokes and then moved on to Colin Quinn. He goofed on his old TV show and the crowd went silent. Shuli then moved on to Artie and goofed on his relationship with Dana. He goofed on his fat and got the crowd laughing again. He joked about Artie's movie career and stuff like that. He did have Howard laughing quite a bit. He got in a good one when he said that ''Beer League'' was opening on September 18th and Artie corrected him saying it was the 15th. Shuli said the 18th must be the day it's closing. Shuli wrapped up a short time later. He said that Artie might be trying to follow in John Belushi's career but at least Belushi had one hit movie and knew when to die.
Howard took a few phone calls and then turned it back over to Bob Levy. Bob then introduced Sal the Stockbroker who went right into his Artie jokes. He said this was the first time he was roasting a pig without an apple. He got in a couple of jokes about Lisa Lampanelli. He had Howard cracking up with those jokes. Then Sal got back to Artie and goofed on how fat he is. He said when he walked out on the Jimmy Kimmel show his whole living room shook. He was goofing on Artie's dad and said that the only vegetable that he ever loved was his father. He then went off on Artie's dating life and goofed on Dana a little bit. He even got in a few jokes about Howard's girlfriend Beth.
Sal goofed on Artie's movie career and had some funny jokes about the bad movies he's put out. Sal said that Artie's was miserable making the movie and just think how people are going to feel watching it. He wrapped up a short time later. Howard thought that was pretty brutal and he might have to take a break after that. They went to commercial.
Double A called in to say that Sal was a grand slam. He said he kicks ass on the roasts every time. Sal thanked him for that. Howard asked Crackhead Bob how he was doing and then turned it over to Bob again. Richard came in around then. Howard said they had to cut him off because he was too drunk. Richard said that Sal did great on the roast and said that he rules.
Richard was standing over Doug Goodstein's father so Howard warned him that he was in the wrong place. Richard said he wanted to get a drink because he didn't have anything out in the office. Howard turned the roast back over to Rev. Bob Levy who introduced Mariann from Brooklyn. Mariann was there to get back at Artie for calling her a cunt. She asked him to look her in the eye as she did this. Mariann tried to do a few jokes but there weren't many laughs coming from the crowd. She did have a couple of funny ones. She kept it pretty short.
Howard said that Yucko was pretty quiet sitting there. Yucko said he was just taking it all in and getting ready to do his thing.
Bob turned it over to Andrew Dice Clay who taped something for them to watch. Howard had them play the tape where Dice went off on Artie for not calling him back. Dice was goofing on Artie about the letter he wrote to his girlfriend to get her back. He kept bringing up how Artie won't call him back. He was glad he didn't fly in for the roast and said that Artie's girlfriend would probably want to sleep with him if he had flown in. He used his joke about shooting cum in her mouth and making it look like her teeth were melting. Artie said that they should have flown out to L.A. for that one...
Howard took a couple of phone calls from fans who wanted to comment on the roast. Howard had some issues with one caller that had the show repeating over and over again in some odd way. Howard didn't know what was going on so he ended the call and turned it back over to Bob who introduced Yucko the Clown.
Yucko went right for Mariann and goofed on her bad jokes. He got to Colin for a few seconds and then went right for Artie. He got in some racist jokes about him and then some fat jokes. He asked him if he was retaining Jack and waters. He also got in some jokes about Dana. Yucko had Artie laughing pretty hard at a couple of points. The daddy jokes went a little too far and then he got in a black joke about Robin. Artie said it wouldn't have been a roast without the jokes about Robin. Yucko ended his roast with a joke about Artie's sister.
Howard said that you can see Yucko in the September issue of Hustler magazine. Yucko said he did some stupid interview for them and he's getting fingered by Sal in that interview. Howard gave plugs to a bunch of the guys and then turned it back over to Bob.
Bob introduced Richard Christy who had another drink. He said he had about 9 beers, 2 vodkas and some saki. Howard wanted him cut off but Richard wanted to keep going because he wasn't seeing double yet. Richard had a song to sing so Howard had to find the music bed on his computer. Richard then sang a song about Artie's dad getting the shit taken out of his ass. He actually came through pretty good for being so drunk. The song was to The Who's ''Won't Get Fooled Again.''
Gary came in and did another breathalyzer test on Richard. He blew a .4. Howard said they have to cut him off now. Richard wanted to finish the drinks he had but Howard wanted him to stop right then. Howard took some more phone calls and one guy liked the show being on at night like this.
Bob Levy got back up and introduced Lisa Lampanelli. He wasn't able to pronounce her name so Howard tried to get him to say it right. He finally got it when he sounded it out. Lisa got up and got in a few digs at Bob. She then got into her Artie jokes and goofed on him about Dice taking the time to send in a tape for his roast. She got in a few digs at Dice as well. She then went off on Artie about being fat. She thanked Howard for being there and then got in some jokes about him being on satellite radio. She said that ''Howard 100'' is the number of people listening.
Lisa got back to Artie and goofed on his dick a little bit. Then she went off on Yucko the Clown. Colin Quinn took some abuse from Lisa as well. Then she hit Shuli with a few jokes about his height. She moved on to Sal a short time later and got in some good ones about him. She then got back to Artie again and said she loved his movie ''Dirty Work'' because it had a happy ending... The projector broke. She also said the only extras it should have had on the DVD was an apology. Lisa gave a huge speech about Artie and how proud she is of him. She said that he gets people going every morning while they're taking a shit.
Howard took some more phone calls after Lisa was done. One guy said this was great because he's in high school and can't hear the show in the morning. Ralph pointed out that Artie was about to pass out sitting there. The caller told Mutt that SFN was down for a little while and the site was slow since then. Howard told the guy to leave Mutt alone, this is his time alone. Mutt said he'd get on that as soon as the roast was done.
Bob had one more comic left, Colin Quinn. Colin got up and went off on Bob saying that he must not have put this roast together because it's so good. Colin got in a few about Jim Florentine and Lisa Lampanelli. He had a bunch of jokes about her and had Howard and Robin laughing pretty hard. He got in a couple of jokes about Shuli and then Gary. He goofed on Robin about her having sex with fruits and vegetables. He said Fred looks like a retarded Gary Oldman. Yucko the Clown took a couple of hits from Colin. He then went off on Richard Christy about his complexion. He goofed on Sal about his make-up cream and his stalker like attitude toward Howard. Colin got in a few jokes about Ronnie the Limo Driver as well.
Colin got in a few digs at Howard too. He had Artie laughing his ass off at the Howard jokes. He was goofing on him about the gay shows he watches and things like that. Colin then moved on to Artie and goofed on him about being overweight and about his movie. He said that his laugh sounds like Gary the Retard cumming. He also said he has a woman he'd like him to meet if he ever breaks up with Dana... Jenny Craig. Colin told Artie that everyone loves him except for Dana after trying to get him to quit drinking.
Artie went off on Colin Quinn a little bit saying that now that Charles Rockett is dead, Colin is the least known guy that did Saturday Night Live. Artie then got in a few digs at Howard about the TV shows he watches. He went off on Dice about sending in the tape. He said the last time Dice sold out the Garden, all of the Knicks were white. He got in some jokes about Lisa Lampanelli and her being overweight. He also goofed on Jim Florentine and his girlfriend. He went off on Lisa a little more about her weight and looks.
Artie hit Shuli with a few jokes and even quoted Robin and called her a ''big, fat nig*** cunt.'' Crackhead Bob and Nick DiPaolo were on Artie's list. He thanked everyone for coming out and got in a plug for his movie that's coming out September 15th.
Howard started to wrap up the roast and thanked Bob Levy for hosting. He gave him some plugs for his upcoming gigs and then gave a bunch of the other guys their plugs. Howard thanked everyone for coming in and found out that Lisa is actually dating a white guy right now. She said she lost 20 pounds and now she's able to get a white guy.
Howard wanted to take some phone calls but the guys wanted to get out of there and go to Scores. Everyone cheered when Howard asked who was going. He tried to take a call but got silence so he went to commercial break.
Howard asked Artie why he wouldn't take off his leather jacket during the roast because he was sweating. Artie said he was trying to look good. Howard said the leather coat is what was making him so hot. Ralph thought it was funny that he's worried about his looks when you think he's one of those guys who doesn't care. Artie said it was very calculated, he was trying to look cool.
Howard said he was having fun during the roast but Robin thought he looked a bit out of it. He said he was trying to run the show and he peaked early in the show when he was drinking. Howard asked Artie if he was okay. Artie said he was a bit lit.
Howard asked Fred what he thought about the roast. Fred said it was great, A#1. Ralph said he liked Colin Quinn's line about Fred looking like a retarded Gary Oldman. Fred said it's too bad that Colin wasn't funny on TV.
Gary interrupted and said that Richard was trying to do the pee thing where he goes 5 feet away from the toilet but he ended up peeing all over the bathroom. The guys were able to watch as it was going on and saw Richard with his hands in the toilet and then shoving Sal's head into the toilet. Sal then freaked out and Howard tried to describe what was going on. There was piss in the toilet and Sal was going nuts.
Richard said that Sal was trying to splash water on him so he took Sal's head and gave him a ''swirly'' in the toilet. Richard explained how he was doing his pee trick and peeing from 5 feet away from the toilet. He missed a little bit and started to wipe it off. He put too many in the toilet and had to pull some out. Sal said he came in and tried to splash it and that's when Richard grabbed him by the neck and stuck his head in the toilet.
Richard said that Sal was up to something and did something to Sal. The two of them were spitting on each other so Howard told them they were both cut off. Sal came in with silly string and sprayed Richard down with that. You could hear someone spitting at that point. Howard said that Sal was covered in urine and things were out of control. He said that both of them smelled like piss.
Sal said he wasn't even going to go home tonight after that. Richard said it was an honor to get cut off by Howard Stern. Howard told the guys to go sober up a bit. Richard asked if they were going to take their anal temperatures like they planned on doing. Howard thought they were too drunk to do that but Ralph begged them to do it.
Will wanted to put the two of them on the Sybian but they had done that already and didn't want to do that again. Howard asked Robin if she wanted to do the rectal temperature thing. She wanted to know if they had the thermometers. Richard looked like he was going to piss on the couch so everyone freaked out for a few seconds.
Will went over and gave Richard a smack on his ass. Everyone was going nuts so Howard had to try and calm everyone down. Robin came out of her booth and lubed up the thermometers. The two guys were on the floor on their bellies. She refused to touch them without a glove on though. She didn't want Sal messing with her. Sal couldn't believe that this was happening. Richard asked for a drink but Howard refused.
Sal went nuts when she put the thermometer in there. He said it was burning when she put it in. He asked ''how do fags do this?'' as he was screaming out in pain. Howard had Robin stick Richard's thermometer in. Howard wanted to end all of this but the guys were still going crazy. Robin said that Richard looked disgusting. She saw hemorrhoids on his ass. Richard was screaming out in pain after she shoved his thermometer in. There was some confusion going on in the studio. Everyone was drunk and talking over everyone else.
Robin said that Richard's ass was really white and there were hairs and freckles all over him. Ralph said that Artie was wandering all over the studio. A few minutes later Robin checked the thermometer from Sal's ass and it was at 98.6. Richard had a little more time left on his. He thought that the thing was twisting around in his ass but no one was touching it. Richard's ass read 98.5.
Sal figured he had won so he shoved his thermometer in Richard's mouth. Richard then spit on him so Howard asked them to please stop spitting. Howard as asking a question when Richard got up and stuck his thermometer into Sal's mouth. Howard told the two of them to get out of the studio. Richard told him that it was a shit for a shit. He said he could taste Sal's shit after that got shoved in his mouth.
Sal dragged Richard out of the studio and Ralph said they now need to replace everything in the studio over the weekend. Howard described what had just gone on in the bathroom and how great it's going to be on Howard TV when it gets on. They went through the whole thing and talked about the thermometer thing and how that went on after all of the bathroom stuff went on.
Howard told Ralph to go calm down in the other room so he could get control of the studio again. Ralph said goodbye as Eric the Midget. Artie was still trying to recover from what had just gone on in there. Ralph said that if people haven't subscribed, they have to subscribe now.
Gary came in and said he heard a noise in the hall so he opened his door after hearing Richard in the hall making noise. He was putting beer in his mouth and spitting it into a garbage can to get the taste of shit out of his mouth. Howard wondered if anyone followed what was going on during the temperature taking. The guys thought that it was easy to follow.
Ralph said that Robin taking their temperature was probably the funniest thing he had ever seen on the show. Gary was disturbed by how easy Richard got up on all fours and opened up his asshole.
Ralph goofed on Eric a little more and said that he's the greatest guest ever. He figures that he will get a ton of feedback on his Myspace account and change his mind.
Fred played the song parody that Eric hates so much. Ralph said he loves that song. Everyone was laughing their ass off at the song.
Artie saw Richard on camera and he had drool hanging out of his mouth or something. Robin said that he was foaming at the mouth. Gary came in and said that Richard was crazy drunk. Bob Levy was out in the hall puking too so Ralph almost puked in the studio. Howard was watching on the monitors and said that someone needs to take care of Richard because he's such a mess. Ronnie the Limo Driver said that Levy is throwing up all over the place, Richard is throwing up all over the place, it's completely out of control.
Howard said they can't do these shows at night anymore. Gary said that this is the best show ever. Richard came in a short time later and said that he was fine, he was out there messing with Bob. Ralph said that Bob threw up really bad out there. Richard was drooling on himself again so Howard had to kick him out of the studio. JD came in asking for another Jack and Coke but Howard wanted to cut him off too. JD said he wasn't drunk and drooling all over himself like Richard was.
Artie said that this whole show has sunk to something insane. Howard said that this is going to be the best TV show ever.
Howard wanted more Eric the Midget songs but he wasn't sure if they had any. He said he knows that Gary is going to come in the studio in about 5 minutes and tell him that the office is on fire. Fred found another Eric the Midget song that they earlier in the morning. That got everyone to forget about all of the other stuff for a short time. They goofed on Eric for being such a huge fan of Katherine McPhee's that all of this stuff is coming out. He said that all of the calls, songs and goofing is because he likes Katherine McPhee.
Howard asked Keith about what went on in Iraq. He said he collapsed on a mission and he found out that he has diabetes. They wouldn't send him back after that so he's back home now. Keith said he talked to the guys about Howard to make his days go by over in Iraq. He said he just wants to give Howard a big hug because he means so much to him.
Keith said he'll keep in touch and he'll be in when he gets a chance. Howard thanked him for the call and said he's a great guy. He was worried about him fighting over in Iraq. It's probably best that he collapsed over there and made it home alive. He let him go and spent a few more minutes talking about the roast.
Howard went over Mark's gay sex story again. He found out about how he sucked a guy off in a truck one time. Mark said he finished on the guy's face and the other guy finished in his face.
High Pitch Eric called in and yelled at Mark. He has a problem with him because he thinks he's trying to take his spot on the show. Howard asked Eric who can suck a penis better, him or Mark. Eric said Mark can do it better. The two of them were going back and forth but Howard wanted to end the show.
Howard took one more call and let a woman give her thoughts on the roast. He asked her if she was able to follow what was going on after the roast. She said she was able to follow it and she'll be listening again tomorrow morning.
Howard said he was ready to end the show. Artie was tired and drunk but that wasn't stopping him from going to Scores. Howard wasn't going to Scores, he was going home to get some sleep. Gary came in and said that Richard was still drinking and he wanted to know how to stop him. Howard told him to take them away from him, he doesn't want him drinking anymore. Richard said he wasn't seeing double yet so he was fine. Howard thought it was enough and he should stop. He was on his way to Scores with the rest of the guys though.
Howard ended the show around 10:10pm.
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Howard started off the show welcoming everyone to day two of the free offer there at SIRIUS. He wondered how people were enjoying these two days. He heard some wild numbers for the number of people who were streaming the show yesterday. It seems to be a popular thing with this promotion.
Robin said she heard from some promotional people that it was a great idea. Howard wasn't taking credit for it since his suggestion was to press a CD with some of the show and put that in some magazines.
Howard read some feedback from some fans who liked what they were hearing. One guy said he's been listening all 10 months and suggested that people go out and get their radios now. One guy from Shanghai China used to live in the U.S. Said he's listening over there. Someone from Australia asked about how to get in touch with Howard. He said everyone can call 888-9-ASSHOLE.
Howard started to read another e-mail but Fred's computer threw in a sound effect and Fred had no idea what it was. He said he was having some trouble with his computer so he had to explain that to Howard. Howard went on to read some more mail. He got one from someone in Denmark, Ireland and another from Iraq. The guy in Iraq said that when he realizes that if he wasn't over there, there wouldn't be a Howard Stern Show and when gets home from the war he will be buying a radio to listen to him. Robin wondered if they were still going to be on the radio by the time the war is over. Artie said that there would be a Howard Stern Show without the war in Iraq and those guys should be home.
Howard said that their first show over the internet for free made some news. He saw that some newspapers picked up on how Pete Townshend walked out and didn't do the show. Howard got sidetracked when he saw Artie eating something. Artie said that it's Famous Amos cookies. That led to Artie and Howard talking about the number that he has to push to get the cookies out of the vending machine. Howard said that's one of the things that Artie has become good at over there. The cookies are number 146 in the machine and the Entenmann's cookies are number 152.
Howard asked Artie what else he likes to eat out of that machine. He said they haven't been putting a lot of hostess cupcakes in there but he likes those. The Devil Dogs were his favorites. He rattled off the vending machine numbers for all of that. Artie also said he likes Chocolate Pop-Tarts but they sometimes put strawberry in there. Artie said he has gained about 80 pounds in the past 10 months. He knows it's unhealthy what he's doing.
Howard said that people don't know that Artie was on heroin last year when he was thin. Artie said that the heroin doesn't do that, it was the stress he was under last year. Howard thought that's what kept him thin but Artie said he was thin before that for about 4 years.
Howard got back to the Pete Townshend story. He read an article about Pete walking out of an interview before it even started. Howard said he listened back to the show and figures it was more Artie than Robin who chased Pete away. Robin agreed but Artie defended himself saying it wasn't him at all. Howard played him a clip from the Wrap Up Show where they played a clip from the show where Robin brought up the child porn story and then Artie said that the researching child porn was an excuse that a lot of pedophiles use as an excuse. Artie said he wouldn't have brought that up if Robin didn't bring up the story.
Howard read more of the article about Pete leaving. The article blamed Robin and quoted her on a couple of the things that she said. Howard played another clip from the Wrap Up Show where Fred went off on Roger Daltry for not singing the songs they wanted him to. Fred said that Daltry just didn't want to sing and he was coming up with all kinds of excuses not to do that.
Howard said that he read a story about Tommy Lee getting involved in some business where he helps people make phony phone calls (CrankPranks.com). He said he must be desperate to be doing something wacky like that. Howard said they went on the web site for that business and the calls aren't funny, they're just mean. He played one where they call someone and tell them that they're infected with gonorrhea. Howard said that could drive someone crazy hearing something like that. It wasn't funny and it wasn't obvious that it was a prank call message.
Howard had another one where they have an announcer say he's from the FAA investigating something. In another one they have a guy call and say that they're investigating some credit card purchases for some sexual enhancers.
Howard played a couple of others and then promoted the upcoming Baba Booey roast. He said that would be happening at about 7:30. They also had Sharon Osbourne coming in today.
Another caller just wanted to thank Howard and told them that he's been listening on the web. Howard told him that one of the bits that got mutilated over at K-Rock was this call that Benjy made to Hazel. He said they've never been able to play those in their proper form so he was going to play that for the caller.
Howard let the caller go and then played the prank call that Benjy made a few years ago. Benjy attempts to have phone sex with the woman as he's pretending to be a horse. He has her telling him that she wants his horse cock and stuff like that. She plays along with him but she's in a nursing home and can't get too loud.
Howard said that was a classic call that they could never really play on terrestrial radio. He said they had to bleep it a lot back then though.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was listening on the web. He didn't know that he could listen on the web all the time if he was a subscriber. Another caller said that he liked The Better Half yesterday. He was laughing just thinking about the half hour radio sitcom. Howard said that's the first time they've done something like that and it's a very ambitious project.
Howard read some mail from fans who wanted to comment on The Bitter Half. A lot of people liked it, there were a few that didn't. He read through a ton of those e-mails. One guy said that it should have been a 5 minute bit, not a 30 minute show. Howard said that about 95 percent of the e-mail was positive, only about 5 percent was negative.
Howard said that the $25,000 grand prize for this contest is courtesy of BetUS.com. He got Big Foot Mark on the phone to give his picks. He's 3-2-2 in the pool right now. Big Foot sounded like he was a bit out of it this morning. He was in a motel somewhere and had the TV on. He said he didn't hear any noise but then he turned it down and said that it was the TV. Big Foot was on some kind of medication so that's why he sounded so out of it. He said it was some schizophrenic (he called it shitsophrenia) medication. Big Foot was going with the Buccaneers this weekend.
Howard and the guys were asking Big Foot if he had a dead guy in bed with him. He slowly answered ''no.'' Gary came in and told Howard that Big Foot got a flat while he was in New York and he called his old manager to come down and help. He said that the manager drove all the way down from Vermont to change his tire for him. The guys were kind of surprised that he can drive all by himself. He drives a 1993 Cadillac. The guys all said they'd be looking out for that car.
Robin noticed that the medication he's on has stopped him from saying ''it is'' after everything he says. Artie said that medication sucks.
Howard got Crazy Alice on the phone to get her picks. She was all revved up as soon as Howard mentioned her name. She hates the ''crazy'' part of her name. She said she doesn't know where that came from but she hates being called Crazy. She said hello to her favorite guy Fred. She also told Howard she liked the part in The Bitter Half where Beth was trying to kill him.
Alice said that she's not allowed to yell anymore because her landlord came to her last week and told her she can't be yelling on the phone anymore. Artie tried to get her yelling but Alice was trying to stay calm and wasn't yelling back. Artie started going off on her trying to get her to yell. She told him that if she gets evicted she's going to come after him. She was staying remarkably calm while he was doing that to her.
The more Artie kept it up the louder Alice was getting. She was going off on him and cursing him out getting louder and louder. Howard told her she's going to get into trouble with her landlord if she kept that up. She told him that he should stop Artie then. Artie got even more brutal telling her that she was a pile of shit and even if her landlord didn't hear her, he'd be able to smell her because she was a huge pile of shit.
Howard broke in and tried to calm both of them down but Alice was speaking very loudly to Artie. Howard said he just wanted to get Alice's pick. Alice said she was going with the Broncos this weekend. Artie laughed at her and goofed on her pick even though she's in first place while he's in last. Howard let Alice go after that She was still speaking very loud as she got off the line.
Howard told Artie he was out of line with some of those comments. He got Elegant Elliot Offen on the line next. Elliot was very calm and speaking with a southern accent. He said that he spoke to Johnny Fratto who advised him to pour some sugar on these mother fuckers. Howard asked Elliot what character he was doing. Elliot said that when he did his bunko stuff, that's the voice he would put on. This is what he's doing to them so that's the voice he's going to put on for them.
Elliot said that he fooled everyone back in July of 2000 and got on the show. He went into a female voice and then went into his ''real'' gangster voice and started yelling at Howard and the guys. Howard asked him if he's schizophrenic. Elliot said he's not. He said that he can't get too excited and he's trying to be in his best behavior to stay on the show. He told Robin that he hopes to get invited onto Robin's boat some day. Elliot said that the one person who he will not do that to is that fucking diabetic Dell'Abate. He went off on Gary a little bit and said he's going to put him in a fuckin' casket and then piss on his fuckin grave.' He said he would leave him to die on 8th Avenue.
Elliot said that Gary doesn't communicate with him and he gave him bad faith information so he's pissed off at him. Howard went to Elliot's plug so they could get that out of the way. Gary came in and apologized to him but Elliot came out of his nice voice and said that he will break Gary up and leave him to die. He told Gary that if he ever sees him he will go back to jail just to beat the crap out of him. Gary told Elliot to go fuck himself so Elliot invited him down to the Funny Store where he works and say that to his face.
Howard had Elliot give his plug. Elliot went back into his nice, little girl voice. He said he was going to do the plug in 40 seconds instead of 45 seconds. He said you can go to GangsterTalk.biz to find his stuff. He's also making prank calls for people where he can dehumanize people. He got in a couple of plugs for the web site and then gave his pick for this week. Howard told him he's 2-5 just like Artie is.
Elliot said he was going to pick the Kansas City Chiefs this weekend. He spoke to Artie in his sweet voice and asked him what the spread was. He was remaining amazingly calm as long as Gary wasn't in the studio. Elliot got in another plug for his web site and said that Mr. Fratto told him that his DVD is very disturbing. He got in a plug for his web site MidWestMafia.com as well. Elliot wished that Gary would die in his sleep tonight as he got off the phone.
Howard forgot to get Artie's pick this week. Artie told him that he does that every week. Artie said that he's going with Green Bay.
The caller asked Artie where they were playing Beer League. Artie said it was at the North Versailles in the Pittsburgh area. It's just one theater and they're only there for like one week.
Howard said he had to congratulate Steve Langford on getting an interview with someone down at the United Nations yesterday. He played a clip where Steve asked the Press Secretary General a question about Howard Stern. The guy didn't want to comment on any pop culture things so he didn't have anything to say about Howard.
Howard said that one of the great things that has happened there at SIRIUS is that George Takei is their announcer. He said that one great moment was when they had the fake Arnold Schwarzenegger call in and debate George. George had no idea it was the fake Arnold. Howard played that clip as he was going to break.
Sharon told Howard he's looking too thin these days. He told her about his diet and how it makes his farts smell so bad that they've actually woken Beth from her sleep. Sharon was telling Howard about Ozzy's laugh lines and how they're even deeper than Howard's are.
Howard said he heard some disturbing news about Sharon and that she wants to have the band removed from her stomach. He talked to her about being fat when she was younger. She said that she couldn't get laid back then because she was fat. She did have plenty of friends though. Howard said that he thinks that Ozzy really loves her for her because he married her when she was fat. Sharon said that she was 225-230 pounds before her operation. Back when she met Ozzy she was about 160.
Howard said he never thought of her as glamorous until after this weight loss. Now she wants to get this band removed from her stomach and she could balloon up again. Sharon said that they can only keep the band for 10 years and they have to take it out anyway. She's had hers for about 6 or 7 years so it's going to come out anyway. Howard asked her why she doesn't just keep it for another 4 years. Robin said that she could just get another band.
Sharon said that she's gained 15 pounds recently so Howard told her that she could blow right back up if she gets that band removed. Sharon said that she wants to eat more but she doesn't want to get fat. She said she's going to avoid that by going to a psychiatrist. Howard told her that she's not going to be Cinderella anymore if she gets that band removed.
Fred played some sad piano music and Howard told her that taking that band off is like letting a pedophile out of jail. Howard asked Sharon to show him her breasts but she said they are only for her husband. She told him he could touch them though. He took her up on that offer and felt her up. He felt both sides and said they felt good on his hand. Artie got in a feel too after Sharon said he was gay for not wanting to touch them.
Benjy asked to touch Sharon's boobs after telling her that she's his idol. Another four guys came in and wanted to feel her up as well but Sharon sounded like she was done with that bit. Howard read that Sharon and Ozzy haven't been seeing much of each other. He wondered why she's so busy. She said she's doing a TV show over in England and the show is very successful over there. Howard said that's like having a popular show in Virginia. Sharon said that they pay just as well over there as they do here in the United States.
Sharon said that the size of England could fit inside the state of California but they get 12 million viewers every week. They pay her very well for that over there. Howard asked Sharon about her spending and if she's still spending all of Ozzy's money. She said she doesn't do that and she's making her own money with her TV show.
Sharon told Howard that she sold 1.8 million copies of her book ''Sharon Osbourne Extreme: My Autobiography'' so she's doing very well with that. That led to the guys talking about Sharon having sex with Randy Rhodes. She denied ever having sex with him and said she knew that they were going to bring that up on the air. Howard thought she was doing that to get back at Ozzy for sleeping with other women but she said that wasn't true either.
Howard said that he knows that Sharon's father was very cruel and her life as a manager was to win her father's love. He also said that he knows that she saved Ozzy's life by becoming his manager. Sharon said that Howard doesn't know that her father used to deal with the mob and if she had stayed with her father, she would have ended up in prison like her brother. She said she hated her mother but she's dead now. She said that her mother did nothing to her but didn't protect her from her father. She said she doesn't think that she loved her either.
Howard told Sharon that if she takes that band off she's going to eat like mad to get over all of the stuff she was talking about. Howard told Sharon that if she takes that band off and gains over 20 pounds, she has to give one of his listeners $20 million. She laughed and said that might work but she's not going to do that.
Sharon told Howard that she would never fuck him even if he had a 10 inch black dick. She said she loves him but she doesn't find him sexually attractive. He pulled up his shirt and showed her his abs but that didn't impress her. Howard asked her about using a vibrator. Sharon said that she doesn't use one because her husband is so oversexed that she doesn't need it.
Howard asked Sharon if she wanted to ride the Sybian. She had no idea what it was so the guys brought it in and showed it to her. She said she doesn't need something like that, she has someone at home who can rock her world. She thought it was disgusting. Howard told her about some of the people who have ridden it (and a couple he made up). He even played her a clip of Carmen Electra talking about how it was the best feeling. She thanked Howard for the offer but refused to ride it.
The guys were still setting up the Sybian to show Sharon and she was shocked by the attachment they put on the thing. She wanted nothing to do with it. Howard changed subjects and brought up her kids. He said that Jack has lost weight which is great. He also said that Kelly is busy doing Project Runway over in England.
Howard asked Sharon about the house they own out in California where they shot their TV show. She said that they have a tour bus pull up every 15 minutes in front of that place. She said that she'd like to sell it but Ozzy loves the house and doesn't want to leave. Sharon said that their show opened up the doorway for a lot of other celebrities to do similar shows. She said that Ozzy was the one who took the risk doing that show.
Howard asked Sharon if it was painful for her when Jack didn't come to visit her in the hospital. She said that was Jack's story to tell, not hers. She also talked about how well Jack is doing with his real estate investments. She said that he has some rental properties and stuff like that and he's doing very well. Sharon said that he's doing very well and having fun.
Howard asked Sharon if Jack banged Paris Hilton. She apparently shook her head yes but didn't want to talk about that subject. She said that she did come over to the house and made it seem like Jack did get her. She didn't want to talk about any of the other women he's had but she said that Paris wasn't his biggest score.
Sharon was arguing with Howard about whether or not Madonna was doing the right thing by adopting this baby that she's having so much trouble with. Gary came in and told Howard that Sharon had to get going. Howard told her to be careful with the stomach band removal. He also told her to have Jack give them a call so they can have him on the show to talk about banging Paris Hilton. She said she never said that he did that but Howard took her head shake as a yes.
Gary asked Sharon if there was a time when she kept Ozzy off the show. She said she did that because she thought that Howard was going to make fun of Ozzy. She said she didn't know them very well and wasn't sure if they were fans of Ozzy's music, that's all it was. Howard gave her some plugs for her book and an appearance she was making in New York City tonight.
Levy started off by roasting Artie a little bit. He was joking about his heroin addiction and his movie Beer League. He told Artie that he's a better speller than Artie is an actor. He also went off on Robin next. He told her that she should take up Bulimia instead of race car driving. He hit her with a few other jokes and then went to Howard. He hit Howard with some good ones about his TV watching and his chess playing.
Bob moved on to Gary next and goofed on his last name, his teeth and all of that good stuff. He said that you can tell that Gary likes chocolate because he's shaped like a Hershey's kiss. Gary goofed on Bob for not memorizing his act like he said he did. Bob came right back with more jokes about him and then turned it over to the next comedian. Howard gave Bob some plugs for his stuff and then Gary introduced one of the performers who was going to sing a song. Bob wasn't aware that they were doing that though.
Howard played some music while this guy performed a live version of ''Those Teeth.'' The crowd was singing along with him as well. Howard asked the guy how long it took him to write that song. He said it was a couple of hours and it was back in 2000. That was Chris Grecco who performed the song.
Howard turned it over to Shuli after that. Shuli goofed on Bob a little bit and then moved on to Sal the Stockbroker. He said that Sal's act is a bad impression of Bob Levy who is doing a bad impression of Don Rickles. He also goofed on Penny Crone a little bit. He said that a couple of weeks ago she went out to lunch and came back with a little bit of detective in her teeth. He goofed on Lisa Lampanelli's weight a little bit then moved on to Artie. He said that he thought he was friends with Artie until he didn't offer him a job in his movie. Then he saw the movie and said that he's more of a friend than he thought. Shuli then hit Robin with a jokes about her weight. He then moved on to Jackie the Joke Man. He goofed on his act and how he lost his job on the show.
Shuli finally moved on to Gary and joked about how disturbing he is and how he looks like he belongs on Jack Hannah's shoulder. He also made fun of him looking like a monkey. Some of the jokes didn't go over too well so the guys in the studio were goofing on him. Shuli was having some trouble with his jokes toward the end of his act.
Howard said that Shuli was looking very Jewish today and he was so Jewy that he made Howard look Baptist. Gary said that he was missing Jackie until he started to hear his evil laugh this morning.
Bob introduced Greg Fitzsimmons next. Greg got up and said that Bob's break smelled like ass and he didn't know he had done his act last night. He also goofed on Shuli about his act coming to a grinding halt toward the end. He said that's the way to do it. He goofed on Artie's movie saying that his son now hates baseball... New Jersey, Artie Lange and Beer after seeing the movie. Greg did some more material about Artie, Levy and Shuli. He even hit Richard Christy with some jokes about how he ruined his career and said he hasn't seen anyone make that bad of a decision... Then he turned to Jackie and said hello to him. Greg got in a few jokes about Howard after that. He told Howard he looked like a big cunt with the clit sticking out of it with that hair of his.
Greg had a few jokes about Colin Quinn and Greg Giraldo. He said it was like being on Colin's show ''Tough Crowd'' except that the show was funny and it had a good host. Greg hit Lisa Lampanelli with a few jokes after that and then moved on to Gary. He said that Gary smiling all the time was sickening to him and his teeth looked like a row of urinals at Shea Stadium. He said that Gary is more whipped than some of Robin's ancestors. He said that Gary is going to get a lot of shit today but it comes from respect. He said that he thought Howard respected him until they hired Sal and now he realizes that he hates Gary's guts. Howard gave Greg a plug for an appearance he's making this weekend.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who was enjoying the roast. Another guy said that Bob needs to get Hooked On Phonics and Shuli crashed worse than the NY Yankees.
Bob introduced Greg Giraldo next but he got his last name wrong when he pronounced it ''Heraldo'' more than five times. Greg went off on Bob as soon as he got up there. He goofed on his hair and then hit Colin Quinn with some jokes. He got Jackie the Joke Man as well. He hit Lisa Lampanelli and Robin next. Then he got Artie with a couple of lines. Greg moved on to Sal and Richard next and then moved on to Gary. He said that he wouldn't have missed this for the world and the only way Howard would have missed it is if Gary's dead father was there. He then goofed on Gary's looks and asked him how he got to be as successful as he is when his only skills are Mets Trivia and being able to floss with rope. He told Gary he's a great guy and he means it when he says that he has the most fucked up face in all of radio.
Howard gave Greg plug for a couple of things. Gary thought his dead father joke was the most well crafted joke so far today. Howard said hello to some of the people in the crowd. Gary pointed out that Dan Patrick from ESPN was in there and he's a big fan.
Howard spoke to him for a few seconds and then Bob Levy brought up this guy Joe Becker who performed a medley of a bunch of his Baba Booey song parodies that he's submitted. Howard had him sit down after just one of the songs because he was sucking the life out of the show. Gary told Howard he flew in from Poland to do the show today so Howard had him get back up and do more songs since he flew that far. He went to break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy up in Maine who asked why Artie was getting it so easy today. Everyone thought he was getting hammered and didn't know what the guy was talking about. Another caller said he may have to sign up for the internet service after hearing these two days.
Bob Levy took over again and introduced Richard Christy. Richard got up and goofed on Bob Levy and Jackie a little bit. He then hit Colin Quinn a little bit. He then moved on to Lisa Lampanelli and warned her that his father might shoot her after mistaking her for a moose if she goes to Kansas. He went to Sal and called him his lover. He then moved on to Artie and told him that his movie sucked. He said he's looking forward to the sequel ''Heroin League.'' He also said that Steve Irwin was lucky enough to have died before that piece of shit came out. He then moved on to Howard and got in a few jokes about him. Then he moved on to Baba Booey and got in some bad jokes about his brother who died from AIDS and his dead father. He goofed on his love of chocolate.
After Richard was done Howard said that was incredible for a drummer. Bob Levy took over again and turned it over to Jackie the Joke Man Martling. Jackie got up and said that this is so much fun. He did his impression of Robin and apologized to her for the jokes he was telling. Jackie hit Colin Quinn with some fat jokes. He laughed at his own jokes like he always did. He moved on to Lisa Lampanelli and goofed on her weight. He said she once sat on his hand and it felt like a horse licking out of his hand. He even threw in a comment about Ralph being a queer. He then moved on to Artie Lange. He said that he and Artie are having a stupid contest, he quit the show and Artie took up heroin. He said the bet is who goes back first. Jackie said he heard that Beer League is coming out in Viewmaster. He asked Artie when he gets the chance to shoot up now that they don't have the long commercial breaks.
Jackie asked Robin if she was supposed to have a TV show. Robin said he was hallucinating. Jackie goofed on her loss of that whole thing. He had some jokes about Fred Norris after that. He said he checks the paper for Fred's name and figures that he's made it through another day when he doesn't see it there. He also said that he was on borrowed time with Fred working so close to him. Jackie hit Howard with a couple of jokes and congratulated him on his move to SIRIUS. He said he was talking to both of Howard's listeners... He also congratulated Howard on finding a woman who loves him for himself. He said he didn't need to go any further with that one.
Jackie then moved on to Baba Booey. He said that it wasn't fair to make fun of him, you just have to look at him. He told everyone to look at him and laughed as he said that people don't even have to see him to laugh at him. He said that Gary has been entertainment since the day he saw him. He said that the reason Gary never stops talking is because there's no rest position for his mouth. He talked about how funny it is when Gary tries to cover up those teeth of his. It's like trying to cover up a condom on a watermelon. Jackie had one bad joke so Fred threw in the bomb dropping sound effect.
Jackie then brought up his friend Fred who had a guitar so they could perform a song together. Fred told Jackie that if he was that funny on the show they may have found the money to pay him. Jackie and Fred performed a song about Gary to the tune of ''The Battle Hymn of the Republic.'' Jackie was going on a little too long so Howard tried to cut him off. Jackie and Fred just kept going though. Howard said that apparently Jackie is still angry at all of them. Howard gave Jackie a plug for his new Grossmaster that's available at al Discovery stores. Visit JokeLand.com for more info.
Bob Levy introduced Sal the Stockbroker next. Sal welcomed Jackie back and then told him to get the fuck out of there. He promised the people listening that they would never hear that awful song parody again. He then hit a few of the comedians in the room with some jokes. He told Jackie that he had committed suicide and did a knock knock joke and after everyone said ''Jackie Who?'' he said ''Exactly!'' He goofed on his Joke Hunt show a little bit and then moved on to Robin. He said that he now knows that Robin is in that booth so when she pops a button, she doesn't hit Howard in the face. Sal hit Artie with some jokes about his weight and his movie. He even had a joke about Beer League and Beth O having something in common... no one is coming no matter how hard Howard is plugging it.
Sal moved on to Baba Booey and did some jokes about Beth O before getting to him. He said that Gary's breath was so bad that his father's wake was a closed casket and the one who closed the lid was his dead father. He did some other jokes about Gary's brother. He said that if God knew that his brother was going to be the one sucking cock, he would have given him Gary's lips. He was pretty brutal with the jokes about his dead family members. He said that he's wasting his time up there because they're supposed to be roast people who have some accomplishments. He said the only thing Gary has accomplished is wiping his ass without flinging it.
After Sal finished everyone seemed to be in a little bit of shock from how brutal his jokes were. Bob Levy introduced another performer who was going to do a song parody. They had Barry Hayes in to perform a medley of some of his Baba Booey song parodies. He had a bunch of songs that they've played on the show lately. Everyone applauded his performance. He came all the way down from Canada for this.
Bob Levy brought up the next comedian, Lisa Lampanelli. He had trouble with her name as usual. Lisa got up there and went off on the comedians sitting there today. She said if she was going to have sex with the ugly one, she'd have to pull a train. Lisa quickly moved on to Gary and goofed on his big teeth and looks. She also goofed on his breath and said that he beat her cunt in a bad breath contest. She got back to Bob Levy and goofed on him a little more. She hit Artie with a couple of jokes and then got Howard. She got Richard Christy a little bit as well. She said that Artie was great in Beer League but it wasn't in theaters long enough for black people to talk through it. She got Jackie with some jokes as well. She got to Sal the Stockbroker and told him he has less electricity on stage than the Amish do. Lisa got Robin with a couple of jokes just so she could use the N-word.
Lisa gave a speech about Gary toward the end of her act. She said that no one there could do what Gary does and went around the room goofing on people about how they couldn't do his job. She also said she discovered that Gary only looks like he has Down's Syndrome. She said that Howard is the one who pays him so who's the retard now?
Bob Levy turned it over to Artie Lange next. Artie said that some of the audience members may have been squinting and wondering why Lisa Lampanelli was going again. He said he wasn't wearing any gaudy jewelry. He got in a plug for his movie and then goofed on Bob about his Baba Booey song parody where he sang the line ''His teeth are yell like pee.'' He said that his next song ''Tie a Yell Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree.'' Artie then went off on Robin for screwing up the Pete Townshend interview yesterday. He said that she apparently doesn't have any black friends because he's been to her house and has seen that. She only has one black employee... Mr. X. Artie also goofed on Howard a little bit. He goofed on Beth a little bit during that.
Artie then he moved on to Jackie the Joke Man. He told him it wasn't a bad move for him to leave the show, he thinks it was the greatest move ever. Artie told Jackie that on November 9th he has to get up and do the greatest radio show ever and then headline at Carnegie Hall. He mentioned some other appearances he's making where he's getting paid huge money. Jackie told him that should buy some great heroin. Artie also told Jackie that he may have a show on Howard 101 now but that's only until he tells Howard he wants a show of his own. Artie moved on to Sal next and goofed on his wife. He goofed on his kids as well. Artie said that his sons look like a couple of homos. Sal sounded like he was cringing as the gay jokes were coming out of Artie. He was just as brutal with Sal as Sal was with the Gary jokes. Sal said he felt like he was going to fall off his chair. He went on and on with the Sal jokes. He wanted to do more but he was running out of jokes.
Artie eventually moved on from Sal to Richard Christy. He told Richard that he and Sal suck at stand-up comedy and if they weren't on the show they wouldn't be able to get jobs at Carolines as waiters. Artie said the time he told Richard his act was great was when he was on heroin. Artie moved on to Baba Booey after that. He goofed on him about being retarded and stuff like that. He also said that it's a good thing that his breath stinks because it's the only thing that keeps him awake during his boring stories. He said that Gary was part of the New York beautification project... He moved to Connecticut.
Gary said that one was brutal but not for him but for Sal. He thanked Artie for that. Artie said it's a good thing his pen ran out of ink. Howard took a call from a guy who said this was a massacre. Another caller said the roast was great but Howard told him it wasn't over yet. Jeff the Drunk called in and said that Sal was good and so was Artie.
Howard handed it back over to Bob Levy who brought up Colin Quinn. Colin started off goofing on the way they were running the roast with the songs and stuff. He asked Shuli if someone put a curse on him. He threw in some jokes about Mike Gange and Benjy. He then moved on to Greg Fitzsimmons and Bob Levy. He said that Greg Giraldo is always on the road and Anna Nicole Smith is a better parent than he is. He goofed on Sal and Richard about their dopey stunts on the show. He also said that Sal looks like the owner of a mall tanning salon. He hi Ronnie the Limo Driver with some jokes and then hit Jackie. He told Jackie he didn't have to say yes to Gary when he asked him to do the roast. Colin went around the room and hit Artie with a couple more jokes. He goofed on him about working with Dice Clay whenever he asks.
Colin got in some jokes about Scott the Engineer and told him to please just kill himself. He got in a few jokes about Ralph and thought that his last name, Cirella, was the name of a skin condition. He did some jokes about Lisa Lampanelli dating black guys. He then got back to Gary and asked him to take him to his leader. He said that he's either a very ugly man or a very handsome fish. Colin also said that he's the only guy with both an overbite and an under bite. He also said that he's so ugly that he has to turn out the lights when he jerks himself off.
Gary got up after the roast and said that he wasn't going to do jokes but then goofed on Bob Levy. He then got Greg Fitzsimmons with a joke or two. Then he hit Greg Giraldo, Richard Christy, Jackie, and Artie. He said that Jackie's face has more lines on it than Artie's coffee table. He said that Artie was wearing his formal pajama bottoms. Gary got some jokes in about Sal and said that he likes make-up sex which is when Sal puts on make-up and then fucks Richard Christy. He told Richard that if he was any worse at fucking up a career, he'd be Jackie's manager. He got in a couple of jokes about Lisa Lampanelli and told the guys that he's the guy who books the show and they shouldn't be surprised if their appearances dry up quicker than Penny Crone's cunt.
Howard was ready to wrap up but Bob said that they had one more song. Howard gave everyone plugs since they don't actually pay anyone there. They then had Steve Smith perform his medley of Baba Booey song parodies. He had a bunch that they play on the show regularly. Howard thanked the comedians and the audience that was sitting in today. He went to break after that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she's back in love with Artie after he blew Sal out of the water with his roast. She thanked Howard for the great show that she was listening to while cleaning her house.
Howard said that Lisa Lampanelli almost didn't make it to the roast due to scheduling conflicts. She's out in L.A. Shooting a movie with Owen Wilson and she had to fly right back after the roast today.
Ralph said that his favorite line was when Colin Quinn said that Gary was either an ugly guy or a good looking fish. They talked about how Colin's act is much different than everyone else's. Gary was also talking about how Bob Levy was bragging about memorizing his lines but then he read all of them and screwed them up. He said someone saw his notes and he spelled movie ''moovi.''
Howard said that he's been hearing the numbers for the hundreds of thousands of people who are streaming the show every hour. He said that so many people came with them there and now they're growing even more. He said that they should keep growing even more as time goes by.
The caller Howard had on the line said that the newspapers will spin the story to make it seem like they didn't do that well even if they do. Gary said that they're supposed to be over 6 million by the end of the year and they're on target for that.
Artie said that it was great to see Jackie and Fred back together during the roast. The guys spent a little time talking about that. Gary said that Mike Morse wrote most of his roast of the guys and he had to thank him for that. He also thanked Jim Florentine since he helped out a bit with the act as well.
Howard took some phone calls from a couple of people. Bobo called in and said the roast was great. Robin said that Lisa said that even the comedians were entertained by the other comedians. Howard said that this is what the roasts are supposed to be like. Bobo asked why Jackie's song kept going on and on and on. Howard said they tried to give them the hook but Fred and Jackie just kept going.
Fred said that he worked with Jackie on that song and he thought that Jackie was very intimidated by the whole thing and he had no idea that he was going to go on so long. Bobo put the word out that people have to sign up and get the show if they don't get it already because it's so great.
Howard took another call from a guy who was listening to the free preview. He thought the roast was great and even better than the Artie roast. Another caller said that he thinks the black jokes about Lisa Lampanelli are the best. Howard took one last call about the roast. That guy also brought up the Sharon Osbourne interview and said that was probably the greatest he's done. Howard said that he's very happy with the way things are going there.
The caller thought that Robin was getting killed in that roast and asked her if she was able to stop the bleeding. Robin said she was fine. Artie thinks that she has the best sense of humor to take all of that stuff. Double A called in and said that had to be the best roast yet. He also said he was drunk the other morning when he called in and threatened to never come on the show again.
Robin said that when Artie was attacking Sal, Richard put his arm around Sal's chair. Fred said that Sal looked like he was deflating with every joke that Artie told.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. They will be discussing the Baba Booey roast and everything that went on with that. That will be the main subject for the whole show. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Gary came in and told Howard that he had some news from the Drudge Report. He said that out in Los Angeles Katie Couric came in 7th place in the TV ratings the other night. She came in behind a rerun of ''Friends'' and some other shows. The guys spent a short time talking about why that might be happening to CBS. The guy said that there has to be something turning people off to her but they weren't sure what that might be. Howard said he heard that the same people who hired Katie are the same ones who turned down a SIRIUS ad that they wanted to run during David Letterman's show because they mentioned the dates of their free trial.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Richard if he wrote all of his jokes that he did in the roast. Richard came in and said that he wrote all but two of them. Mike didn't think he wrote them because he's seen his stand-up act and didn't think it was that great. He also didn't think that Jackie did that well.
Another caller told Howard that the online trial was great and also talked about how great the Stiletto radio is. Howard thanked him for that and spent a minute talking about the Stiletto and how the technology just keeps improving.
Howard read some mail during the news and said that some people are upset about Robin requesting some of Vincent Price's ashes from Joan Rivers. He read through a bunch of those e-mails and people think that she's wrong for asking for something like that. Artie told her he didn't have a problem with that and she could have some of his ashes when he dies. He said that if she smokes them, she'd probably get high.
Howard read some mail about the Pete Townshend segment from yesterday's show. Some people thought it was great. even without Pete.
Howard took a call from a woman (Haydn) who said she's been listening to the show since she was six, she just turned 18 and auditioned for Playboy and now she's going to be in a college edition of the magazine. She asked if she could come in and meet him. Howard didn't have a problem with that because she's 18 and in Playboy. He put her on hold so Gary could set her up to visit.
Richard Christy came in with make-up on his face to talk about the Borat movie that's coming out soon. JD was trying to give a review of the movie but he was mumbling and not getting his thoughts out. Richard said he was laughing his ass off at the movie when he saw it. JD also said that it was the funniest movie he's ever seen. Howard is going to see it today.
Howard took some phone calls late in the news and one guy from England said that Artie is all over TV right now over there. They have The Norm Show playing over there. Artie said that he got a check for $18,000 when that show went over there. The caller said that he's been listening since January over there in England.
Artie mentioned that he's doing a benefit show this weekend in Lyndhurst, New Jersey and gave out the web site KeithsNight.com where you can get more info.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am
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Howard also mentioned some of the guests they had coming in this morning. He mentioned that Lawrence Taylor was coming in and goofed on him about defending OJ Simpson.
Greg, the guy who did it, was on the phone a short time later. Greg told Howard how the Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl did his version of ''Everlong'' and it was stolen by other stations in the area. Howard said he gave permission to release that version of the song so it wasn't really ''stolen.'' Greg said he put the WJFK mentions right at the beginning of the song and then a ''one second'' mention right in the middle of the song when the singer wasn't singing. Howard wondered if he did it a certain way to fit in with the song or if he just blurted out ''WJFK.'' Howard and Artie spent a few minutes goofing on the guy and the whole situation. Greg was just trying to protect the show but Howard told him he really didn't need the help.
''Bob'' joked about a bunch of other stuff including the hatred of Jews. Howard read his script and played along with the bit for a little while. ''Bob'' ended the call with the song and quickly ended the call. One listener called in and complained about how unfunny the impression was. He begged Howard not to let the guy back on the show again.
Howard said he got to sit with his girlfriend and Mel Karmazin and his wife. Howard complained about the sound from the people who were talking during the show. He said the musical performances were loud enough though. Howard said some of the musical performances like 'N Sync were boring though. He enjoyed Jennifer Lopez's dance performance but he said she had to bring out a black guy to say the word ''nigga'' during her performance because she was probably afraid to say it in front of all of those people.
Howard said he got to meet the other boss of his company, Sumner Redstone who's like 70 years old. Howard wasn't sure if Sumner likes him but he did say hello to him.
Howard wasn't sure if Jamie Foxx was funny during the show but everyone who saw it on TV told him he really wasn't funny. It's tough to get laughs at a show like that because the audience is mostly made up of teenagers who just want to see Britney Spears and 'N Sync.
Howard played some tape of Stuttering John at the MTV VMAs last night interviewing Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson about coming on the show today but they were both acting very strange. Kid Rock just kept cursing and joking around. Pam wouldn't give a straight answer either so we never did find out why they won't come on the show. Howard said Gary tried to get them on but they just won't return his phone calls for some reason.
Howard spent some time talking to Slash about working with Michael Jackson and how odd the guy is. Slash thinks that Michael is a great performer and he's worked with him in the past. He didn't have a bad word to say about the guy.
Howard quickly asked Slash about the MTV awards show and Slash said he was just happy he wasn't there. He wasn't very impressed with Staind's performance on the show either. Howard told Slash that they were great on his show though.
Slash is a little pissed off that Axl Rose is using the Guns N Roses name with a whole new band. He said he'd like to get the old band together and do a tour but for now, that's not happening. Slash said they may do something like that in the future though.
The whole interview with Slash didn't last more than 15 minutes or so. Howard just thanked him for coming in and plugged his stuff. Slash's band Snake Pit has an album out now called ''Ain't Life Grand'' and Slash is working on some other stuff without that band. You can find out more at SlashSnakePit.com
Mike was on the phone shortly after L.T. came in and Howard ended up talking to L.T. about his relationship with OJ Simpson. L.T. defends OJ when the whole murder thing comes up. Howard and the rest of the crew were goofing on him for defending OJ but he didn't have anything bad to say about the guy. They play golf together down in Miami and they're pretty close. Howard asked L.T. a bunch of questions about OJ and he tried to answer them but Howard and the other guys were making so many jokes about him that he didn't get the chance to answer.
L.T. admitted that he's probably seen OJ naked at some point in his life but when Howard asked him who's penis was bigger, he didn't have an answer. He said when he showers with other guys he looks at the wall, not at their penises. Howard plugged the ''Toughman 911: New York Cops vs. New York Firemen'' that airs at 9pm on the FX network. L.T. is hosting that show.
Howard then moved on to play the Gossip game with Mike Walker. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker, author of ''Malicious Intent'', calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to L.T. after the game. They talked about L.T.'s past drug and alcohol problems and how he went through rehab. Artie Lange said he went to the same rehab center so they swapped a couple of stories with each other. L.T. Said he was put in charge of the sports events while he was in rehab while Artie claims he was in charge of cleaning the toilets. L.T. Said he never had to clean the toilets while he was there.
Howard promoted Mark's movie ''Rock Star'' a little bit. He also asked him what it was like to open-mouth kiss Jennifer Aniston after a listener asked about it. Mark said it was good for him. Another caller asked why they have Jennifer in the movie because she's so ''one dimensional'' as an actress. Mark said that you'd be surprised at how well she pulled off the part though.
Mark was at the MTV Video Music Awards last night so Howard kept him around to goof on the clips that Robin had to play from the show. Howard said he's a fan of Jamie Foxx but as a host he wasn't that funny. Howard and the crew also talked about how sad it was that Aaliyah died. Howard said that he's more upset when a beautiful person dies than when an ugly person dies. He said he was really upset that Aaliyah died because she once said that he was ''tha bomb'' when she was interviewed by one of his flunkies.
Howard got back to Mark and told him that a woman showed up to meet him at the station today. This girl says that Mark was a big influence on her life for some reason. Her explanation wasn't very good and it didn't make a lot of sense. She had some wacky story about her live and Mark's life being similar but she hasn't become famous yet. Howard let her say her thing while they goofed on her for a bit. They eventually got rid of her and Howard was going to wrap up the interview but Stuttering John came in and said there was a girl on the phone who says Mark took her virginity. Howard took that call and let her tell her story. She claims it all happened back in 1994 or '95. She told the whole story but Mark didn't confirm the story. She said he was really good sexually and she was only 17 years old or so. After hearing the story Howard gave her a trip to Key West that he had to give away.
Howard told Artie that his sister was on the phone trying to get a date with Mark Wahlberg when he was in there. Howard asked him if his sister is good looking. Artie told him that he's pretty sure she would be considered pretty hot. That led to Howard telling Artie about how he had seen his own sister naked when he was a little kid. He said he didn't feel sexual about it but he was kind of curious and took a peek.
Artie said that his sister had some hot friends but they were all disgusted by him. Howard had Artie's sister Stacy on the phone so he talked to her for a short time about the Mark Wahlberg thing. She said that Artie has told her not to date actors so maybe it was best. Howard told her he heard she's a real piece of ass. He said she might be too short for him though, she's only 5'1'' tall. Howard said he'd bang her in private but not take her out in public because she's too short. Howard let Stacy go after asking her to send some naked pictures of herself to him.
Howard said there was also an unnamed black guy sitting there with Erik. Howard spoke to him and the guy ended up doing a quick rap about Hank the Dwarf that was very nice. Howard spoke to him for a minute and then Erik asked if he and Joey Boots, who was also at the memorial, could come up and do the news with Howard and Robin. Howard told Erik he wasn't welcome up in the studio today. He told him to just sit there at the memorial and watch over it like he's been doing since Wednesday.
Robin finally agreed to take someone from the show with her to the taping of the Celebrity ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' that she's doing. She's taking ''Big Foot'' Matt McGroary with her. The guy is about 7'6'' tall and he has an extremely deep voice. Howard wants Robin to introduce him as ''Big Foot'' when Regis asks her who she's there with. Robin wants to introduce him by his real name but Howard had her try out both to figure out which one would be funnier. They found out that introducing him as ''Big Foot'' was funnier than just ''Matt.''
Robin says she's not sure when this episode of ''Millionaire'' will air. She's taping it this weekend so she'll have the information available on Monday.
Robin went through her news stories and Howard wrapped up the show around 9:55am(Master Tape Theatre time).