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Howard was back from his 2 week vacation this morning. He started off the show welcoming everyone to 2007. He said it seems like only yesterday it was 2006. He said hello to Robin, Fred and Artie who has been doing a lot of stuff lately. He then moved on to Benjy and said that no one cares that he's there but then said he was kidding.
Howard said that this is almost their second anniversary there and he called Mutt from Superfan Network to thank him for the present he got him. Mutt got him a blow up of a Mad magazine cover he was on and he really liked it. He said Mutt asked him off the air what kind of big plans they had for next week when their anniversary comes up. Howard told him they had nothing going on and Mutt took that as being some big secret.
Howard said that Tim Sabean came up to him and asked if they wanted to do a big concert or something. He said they had big ideas for that. Howard said there was some discussion about that but they didn't end up with any decent bands so they dropped that whole thing. Howard said they would have ended up with Tommy James and the Shondells or something like that if they had gone through with it.
Howard was singing ''Crimson & Clover'' from the Shondells and had some fun goofing around about how that might have gone if that's who the big band was for their one year anniversary. Howard asked Fred if they had any other hits. Fred played another song from the band and Howard sang along with that as well.
Howard said that Scott Greenstein is the guy who pushes for these big shows but they end up with nothing. Fred was still playing Tommy James songs and Howard seemed pretty surprised that he had a few hits. Gary came in and had some trouble speaking because he had a cold. Howard knew that he was out on New Years Eve and figured that's why he was sick. Gary told Howard that Joan Jett's manager wrote a lot of the Tommy James songs that were hits so that's why she re-made a few of them.
Howard said that the whole idea was to invite some listeners to a club and have a concert but since they ended up with less-than-big bands, they decided against it. He asked the guys if they still wanted to do something like that even if they had a shitty band. Gary asked if they'd do it if John Mellencamp did it. Howard said that would work. Gary said they're working on that and they might be able to get him. Howard said they really need Mellencamp and someone else. Gary said that Def Leppard's name was also thrown around. Artie asked Gary if it was 1-9-8-3( instead of 1-9-07). Howard thought that was pretty funny.
Gary said that they have a few other names that they're throwing around like Buster Poindexter. Artie said he hasn't heard ''Hot, Hot, Hot'' since the last shitty wedding he went to so that's just what he wants to hear. Howard said that he just wants to do a regular show on that day. He knows that fans would be upset that they were left out on that day if they did have a concert.
Howard talked about the other shows he did that week and how he hadn't had a chance to tell everyone about it. He went on to talk about how the people there at SIRIUS wanted him to do Letterman but he wanted SIRIUS to buy commercials instead. He said they put out some commercials but barely put his name in there so he had to go out and do some promotion. He thought their marketing strategy wasn't all that great.
Artie said that he's going out to do Letterman this week, then he's doing Kimmel and Conan within the next couple of weeks. He thought it was just too much to do all of that in one week.
Robin said she thought Howard was great on Conan's show. Howard said he had a lot of fun there and also on Kimmel's show. He said that Conan is a really friendly guy and he really appreciates the show but stopped appearing on it because they were so shitty to him over the years.
Howard said he felt kind of bad hearing how Conan was kind of bummed about the way he was treated. The caller asked Howard if he could promote his web site. Howard cut him off and said he could but he was still talking about all of this stuff. He went on to talk about how they expect him to sell a lot of radios when he goes on a show like Letterman and if he doesn't, then he's a piece of shit.
Howard said he went in and did all of those shows. He went on Kimmel and they came up with that whole thing where he was on a green screen and made it look like they were sitting in the same studio. He said he had a hard time hearing Jimmy and there were a lot of technical issues there. Howard hasn't flown out to L.A. Since 9/11 and he has no desire to fly out there.
Howard said he was reading about all of his appearances on the SternFanNetwork and it seemed like everyone liked all three appearances. He said that he's heard that they kicked XM's ass in retail this season as well so he feels good about that.
Howard said that Letterman only gets like 6 million viewers on a good night so he's really not getting that many viewers. They have almost that many people listening to satellite radio.
The caller got in a plug for his web site TheActionRoom.com and asked Howard if he had any advice for him. Artie said that they should take video from regular TV and put it up there like YouTube. He also brought up how the Saddam Hussein hanging ended up all over the web. Howard talked about that for a short time and said he read that it was a fake at first but then found out that it was a real video. Howard said the camera work was really bad in that video and they should hire the person who shot the Michael Richards cell phone video to shoot the Hussein thing.
Howard and the guys spent some time talking about Al Sharpton's hair. The caller asked if they were going to get Brown's wife on the show. Howard said they're trying to track her down but haven't gotten her yet. Howard heard that she wasn't even married to the guy and she may have been living with someone else. The guys talked about what a great guest James was and also talked about Eddie Murphy's impression of him.
Howard said he has a little bit of a tan and people were telling him how good he looked with the tan. He said it's funny because he spends his whole vacation trying to avoid the sun. He wears this big, goofy hat to stay out of the sun and he looks like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Robin said that some of those hats look so bizarre. He said that he really doesn't care about being tan because he already has a good looking girlfriend.
Howard said he went down to Mexico and had a nice week there. He also had a week with his kids and did some business over the weekend. He said that he met one of the people from the show ''Heroes'' while he was on vacation. He said the guy came up and bothered him and it was Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks. She was down there and then she introduced her husband who is the older brother on ''Heroes.'' Howard said he was trying to teach him about the chess site he goes on, ChessClub.com, while he talked to him. Artie said that he got a book about chess so he can learn to play. He wants to play against Howard some day.
Howard said he was playing chess on the web over vacation and ended up losing the game when his web connection kept cutting him off. Artie said that would make him nuts if something like that happened. Howard said he's big time into the game and he thinks that if Artie gets into it, he'll lose weight because you get so lost in the game. Artie aids that sounds wonderful to him and he would love it if he gets into it that much.
Robin said Howard is assuming that he's going to get into it as much as he did but it may not happen. Artie said you never know.
Fred said he feels weird about leaving his wife behind. Howard told him it's just for a day but then it turned into a long weekend that they're going to be on for that wedding.
Howard asked Artie how his vacation was. Artie said he only went out a couple of times to do a couple of comedy shows. The rest of the time he was sick. Artie said he didn't get laid at all over vacation. He said he's still talking to the chick down in the Philly area but she didn't come out to the comedy show he did down there. Robin told him that he should be playing the field.
Fred finally broke down and said that he's going to go with them to Bubba's wedding. Howard was glad to hear that from him. He said he'd love it if his wife could go with them though. Howard said that maybe something will pop up and they'll find a babysitter. Howard said Doug Goodstein found someone to watch his baby to go to that wedding.
Howard said he's not even sure why he goes on all of those late night shows because they get such low ratings. He said they're in the 1's and 2's in the ratings and that's really nothing. He said that Letterman thanked him for doing the show but did ask him to wear pants next time he's on.
Robin mentioned that she was in Spain yesterday and now she's back to work. She said she didn't know exactly when they were coming back to work. Howard said they come back the day after New Year's every year. She said that wasn't true but Howard said they come back that day every year so she should have known. Howard said that he'd figure that she'd want to get settled back in from vacation.
Howard said he spent a lot of time watching the first season of Battlestar Galictica over vacation and he thinks it's so good. He said he's really into it and loves watching it without the commercials. Robin told him that the first season really was good.
Artie said that he doesn't know the details of her death so he's not sure exactly what happened. He said that Jim is really upset and he feels sorry for him. Howard wondered how long it will be before Jim can have sex again. He said he would wait 2 weeks if he were him. He put the word out that he felt sorry for Jim and for her family as well.
Artie said that Jim is very involved with her funeral planning. He said when he talked to him last he was going out to pick out a casket. Fred said he really liked her. Robin said that was shocking to her. The guys spent a short time on that but then High Pitch Eric told Howard that he's glad he's back from vacation. Eric said that he does a radio show on the web that will air tomorrow night. He said it's on PrankCallRadio.com. Howard was having trouble understanding him so he goofed on him for a short time.
Howard said he can't believe that Jade is gone and High Pitch Eric lives. He said he was reading a book the other day and they explain how you can't really explode by eating too much but you can hurt yourself from eating too much. He said he pictures Eric doing stuff like that.
Howard goofed on Eric about the way he speaks and how they have trouble understanding him sometimes. He and Artie were doing their impressions of him.
Howard said that he called up Bubba the other day and put on a voice and complained about the quality of his t-shirts. That led to Howard talking about Scott Ferrall and how funny his show is. Artie said he called into his show to find out what was going on with this Christmas party he had and how Rev. Bob Levy had been there getting naked in his hot tub and pissing off Scott's wife.
Howard said he was going to do his James Brown tribute but they had all of these other things to get to. Eric was still on the phone so Howard wrapped up with him. Howard told Eric that he was ''the man'' but then added ''not really.''
Robin said she wants to try and run the New York City marathon. Artie said he has to hand it to her because she comes up with these crazy ideas. Howard said she'll probably end up gaining weight instead of losing it for the run because you have to eat so much.
Artie said that Cara Buono, who was in his movie, runs that marathon and she was rock hard by the time she did his movie. Howard told her that she won't be able to do it and it'll take her like over 5 hours to run it. He said that she'll do it half-assed and it's a waste of time. Robin said she was feeling good about the whole thing but now he's ruined that for her.
Artie said that today is a big day for him, the Beer League DVD hits the stores today. He said it's filled with tons of extras. Howard said that someone had a great line about the extras on his DVD when they did his roast. Artie couldn't remember it and Howard wasn't sure what it was but it was way funny. Gary told him that the line may have been ''The only extras Artie should have on that DVD is an apology.''
Howard got back to Robin and told her that if she tried to run with those big titties, she's going to have to deal with them flopping around. Howard told the guys about how came back from a run one day and had a bloody ear from the repetition from the run. He also talked about how her nips would probably get raw from running like Gary's did years ago. Gary used to put Band-Aids on them to protect them. Gary said he would keep Vaseline in his gym bag to put on his nips because that's what his doctor told him to do. He said he was putting it on one day at the gym and realized people were looking at him.
Howard said he used to have to lube up his cock and balls to stop the chafing. He said that Robin is going to have titty problems and she doesn't realize it. Artie said that big breasts do become a big problem for girls who are into gymnastics and stuff so Robin may have problems. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later but ended up talking about how great a year they had in 2006. The caller who was on the line told them about how he had gotten a SIRIUS Stiletto for Christmas and loves the thing. Howard spent a minute talking to the guy about that and then went to break.
Howard moved on to the Football pool because the now have a winner. He said that they always do this pool to see how bad Artie is at picking winners. He said he was going to get Crazy Alice, Big Foot and Elegant Elliot Offen on the line to let them know who the winner is. Artie already knew who the winner was in the pool so Howard said it wasn't as much fun then.
Gary said that they can't get Big Foot on the phone because they have to find a guy to find Big Foot. Howard said he'd just announce the winner then. Gary said that Will was trying to get Alice and Elliot on the line. Howard said that someone wrote in and said that they shouldn't have named Big Foot that name because there was already a Big Foot. Howard said if he was going to write that guy back, he would have just told him to drop dead.
Artie talked about how the guy who played Lionel Jefferson on The Jefferson's passed away. Howard changed subjects and said that Artie was like a big rock star after singing some songs on New Year's Eve at his comedy show. Artie said that the show was huge and everyone loved it. Howard had some clips to play from the show where Artie was singing some Bruce Springsteen ''Glory Days.'' He played that clip and had Artie performing but the mix was kind of off so Artie's voice was much louder than the music.
Artie said that the band, Feff, was really good even if you can't hear them very well. Howard said they should have mic'd the event better for the radio. Howard said it's like they forgot to mic the band. Artie said that they did a full sound check down there and it went okay. He said that this was the first time he was hearing it so he didn't know what it actually sounded like.
Artie said they did a 2 hour sound check down there and he's not used to stuff like that. Howard said if they threatened to fire people over bad sound, they would have gotten it right. Robin heard Artie singing and said that he sounded really drunk. Howard said Richard Christy did a drum solo and you can almost hear him doing that. Richard was pretty wasted when he did that.
Howard said that Dan the Song Parody Man went up on stage and had the band performing ''Welcome To Robin's Bunghole.'' Gary said that he heard that Dan introduced the song but then stood there tapping his toe while the band performed it. Richard came in and told Howard how things were going there. He said that Dan played like one sound effect from his laptop. Howard said it sounded like no one even knew who Dan was up there.
Artie said that Dan tried doing some stand-up before the songs and it didn't go over very well. Artie said the band was really good performing these songs. Howard played the clip where they did the Robin's Bunghole song parody. They listened to that and Howard said he was glad that they had a live version of the song now. Shuli came in and said that Dan was pointing out into the crowd as if they were giving him some love.
Howard said that Shuli was on Ferrall's show and he's very funny with that guy. He also said that they've gotten a lot of mail about his sign off in his news clips. He said that Shuli shouldn't have his own sign off like that. He read some of the mail he's gotten from people about that stuff. In one letter the guy said that Shuli's sign off of ''Shalom Beotch'' kind of cancels out any news report he does. Shuli said he's doing news about Siobhan's fake pussy so that's a douche bag comment.
Dan the Song Parody Man called in and said that in his defense he was on stage because he had just done a song with Artie. Dan also said that he was pointing to the one fan in the audience who was pointing to him. Dan said they brought in a whole sound crew that they don't usually use there at the Tower Theater so it was a big deal. Howard said he heard that Dan is doing stand up so he asked Shuli how he was. Shuli said that he's had some rough moments.
Sal came in and said that Dan has a philosophy joke that he tells. Dan told that joke and it didn't go over very well in the studio either. Sal asked him to do his Steve Irwin jokes. Dan didn't want to do any of his jokes on the air. Sal was goofing on him quite a bit. Dan said that people love to see him die on stage.
Shuli said that he had a good few minutes on stage but then the audience turned on him. He kept going right through his whole act though. He said when they turned on him, he pissed them all off with a comment about their city.
Dan said that he's been doing comedy for about a year now and he does okay in small clubs. He claims that he can do a solid 20 minutes but Shuli said that it takes a really long time to get a solid 20 minutes and there's no way he has that in a year. Howard said that Dan standing on the stage during the band performing is kind of funny. Dan said he was giving them some back up vocals.
Howard had Big Foot on the phone. He said that the amazing thing is that Artie didn't win because the rest of the guys came in a 3-way tie. Alice, Big Foot and Elliot are all in a tie. Alice said that she thought she had lost but Howard told her that she was tied.
Alice said she didn't want to fight with Artie anymore but Artie put a stop to that immediately when he said that all of the freakishly ugly people won. She went off on him again and said that he's a fat ass and a lying motherfucker.
Howard told Big foot and Alice that they had both won along with Elliot Offen. They now have to split the $25,000 grand prize. They all had 7 wins but Big Foot actually had less losses because he had a couple of pushes. Howard told Big Foot and Alice that they were both going to get about $8,300 each. Big Foot was surprised that he had won over eight thousand dollars. Alice said she thought she had lost so that was good news. She and Artie were still throwing a few lines back and forth.
Howard asked Alice what she's going to do with her money. She said she's going to hire a hit man to take care of that fat fuck Artie. Big Foot said that the last time he won money he spent it on his Cadillac and on some broad.
Alice was still claiming that she was going to use her money to kill off Artie. Big Foot was yelling in the background to someone in his room or something about his winnings. Big Foot said that this is the biggest thing happening to him in this new year. Howard told him he had the best results but the winner was based on the person with the most winning picks.
Artie told Alice to shut the fuck up and called her a fat ass. She was still going off on him though. Alice asked where Elliot was because she just spoke to him yesterday. Howard said that it's hard to get in touch with him sometimes. She said she was on the phone with him yesterday and thought she had lost so she was kind of depressed. She said that both of them thought they had lost so they were both depressed.
Howard congratulated both of them and said that they would get their mailing addresses off the air. Howard tried putting them both on hold but he wasn't sure if he had done it. Artie was playing for Wheels who is confined to a wheel chair. He said he's going to have to give the guy some money because he's going to feel so guilty.
Artie brought up some football games that were going on over the weekend. That led to the guys spending some time talking about sports before Howard brought in Lisa G.
Robin reminded everyone about Joe Piscopo's ''Kimberly'' song and how he ended up with restraining orders against him not too many years after he performed that song. Gary said that there are a lot of girls who are in love with Will.
Will said he popped the question down in the Dominican Republic. He's not sure exactly what they're going to do as far as a house. He said he got on one knee and gave her the ring down there. He said it was all very gay. Gary said he sees that Will has one weakness, he loves to watch football and he's going to expect to be left alone on Saturday and Sundays so he can watch his games. Will said that she's fine with that. He has no idea what marriage is going to do to her though.
Gary was telling Howard that if he got engaged, he'd have to get some ridiculous ring for Beth because they say you're supposed to spend 2 months salary on a ring. Howard said he's not spending millions on a ring. Gary said he spent about $15,000 on his wife's ring. Today that ring might cost twice that amount though. The guys continued to talk about the kind of money Howard would have to spend on a ring. Howard said that just isn't happening though.
Howard asked Will more about the way he popped the question. Will said he took her to a beach and popped the question down there. He had a back pack with him and the whole thing was very gay. Howard wondered if he cried. Will said he didn't cry and neither did she. Will said he did call her father first to ask his permission. Howard said he asked Beth if he would have to do that if he wanted to marry her. She told him that she's 34 years old and he doesn't have to do that at all.
Gary said he didn't ask his father-in-law for permission and he caught shit for it after it. He said he was already 31 years old at the time so he thought that was kind of ridiculous. Howard said he would like it if a guy calls him because he wants to marry his daughter.
Howard said that the whole marriage thing is gay. He wanted to know what Will said to the father but Will just said he told him that he was going to ask for her hand in marriage. Richard Christy said he used to live with them and he'd hear them having sex so he'd listen and he'd whack it to that noise.
Howard said it's really hot when a chick makes noise and he couldn't marry one who doesn't make noise. Robin said that Howard keeps bringing up the marriage thing and it sounds like he's been thinking a lot about it.
Howard wanted to talk some sense to Will. He brought up the Joe Piscopo thing again and reminded him about the song Joe wrote about this Kimberly chick. He just had to marry her years ago. She was really hot and much younger than him. Artie said she was the hottest chick on earth at the time they got married. Howard played the song that Joe performed on a WWOR TV show back in the 1990s. Joe put on a huge production for this song and came off as such a total asshole.
Howard sang along to the song and threw Will's fiancé's name into the song. He tried to warn Will about marriage using this song. He said that he gets chills from that song but they're douche chills. Howard wondered if Will's marriage is going to interfere with his job of answering the phones there. Will said it'll be fine. Artie said that Will doesn't just answer the phones, he's a producer. Will said that the phone answering is only half the day. Howard said he never thought that they'd have a job where someone just asks ''What did you want to talk to Howard about?'' over and over again.
Gary said that people always hear Will yelling at people on the phone. Howard asked him not to do that to his fans. Will said that it's tough to deal with some of those people because they have such lame things to say or they're on cell phones.
The guys were kind of goofing on Will's job answering phones. Gary said that Will is kind of upset that he really doesn't seem to know what he does there. Howard said he does know. He knows that Will finds out all the dirt on their guests and he takes all the credit for it.
Will said that he won't be getting married until the spring of 2008 so they have over a year to plan things. Howard wondered if Will has rules in the house for who answers the phone and stuff like that. Will told Howard to shut up about that. They were goofing on him answering the phone at home and saying that maybe his wife gets turned on when she sees him doing that. Howard said that she probably tells her friends to watch him answer the phone because he's so good at it.
Howard asked Will more about how he dropped to his knee and what he said to his girlfriend. Will told them what he said to her and how she didn't cry, which kind of bummed him out. He was hoping that she would cry when he gave her the ring. Howard said it would have been better if he had said that she wanted to get married and he didn't, but he was doing it anyway. Will said that it's important to her so that's fine with him. Robin said that's what you do for someone you love. Everyone congratulated him on his engagement after that. Howard told him it'll never last.
Howard got back to Lisa G. She said that Artie has the Beer League DVD coming out today and it's already on Amazon.com's top 200 list. She mentioned some of the other DVDs that were on there. That led to the guys talking about some movies that are out in the theaters and also on DVD. Howard also brought up the Battlestar Galictica DVD series and told the guys how great that is.
Lisa said they'll also have news about Artie's New years' Eve comedy show during the Howard 100 News today. Howard let her go and then went to break.
Artie came in and said that he knew better than to talk while he was crying because you don't want to end up like Mike Schmidt crying and talking. Howard said that Brett Favre broke down while he was on the air recently. He played that clip and goofed on it a little bit. Artie said that you hear the moment when you know the guy should just stop talking but he just keeps going.
The guys spent some time talking about Brett Favre and also about Tiki Barber. Howard wanted to move along after that because he had a lot of stuff he wanted to do. He had a clip from The Today Show where Natalie Morales uses the word ''Anals'' instead of ''Annals.'' He had another clip where a reporter on another show says Tit-al instead of just saying ''Title'' during a report about a beauty pageant contestant.
Howard played another clip where a guy screwed up the word ''Lebanon'' by replacing it with Lesbian. He also had a news woman choking on the air where they had to cut to break because she couldn't clear her throat. She was even having a hard time breathing.
Howard said before they went to vacation they were asking if Richard's father eats road kill. He said that Mr. Christy called in and left a message for Richard where he said that they will pick up road kill if they hit it themselves. As long as it's fresh, they'll eat it. He said that if they have a chicken just fall dead in the yard they won't eat it because it might have bird flu or something.
Howard asked the guys what they would pick as the best moments from 2006. Robin asked him if he was going to just pass over the fact that Richard's father said that they would go back and pick up road kill if it's still there when they drive by. Richard came in and corrected her on that. He said that they keep an eye on the road and if they come back from someplace and there's fresh road kill, they'll pick it up. Richard said he got a new shower head from his parents and he took a shower this morning.
Howard told him he's going to get a lot of shit if he calls himself Eric the Actor up there. He's going to have to call himself Eric the Midget. Eric said he's not going to do that. Howard suggested that he sing ''Fly Me With Balloons.'' Eric asked him to turn that off but Howard kept it going even as Eric was trying to talk.
Howard said his favorite moment from the show last year was when Eric admitted to measuring his cock and coming up with 5 inches. Howard wanted to bail out on the conversation because Eric had his radio on and he wouldn't turn it down. Eric told everyone to go to SFN and go into the Johnny Fratto's Social Club thread. Howard cut him off and said goodbye to him after a couple of those plugs he got in.
Howard took another call from a guy who wished him a happy birthday a little early. The guy was also talking about Dick Clark doing the New Years Rockin Eve thing and how he was slurring his words. Howard said it was tough to watch. He said he hates to hear Ryan Seacrest talking though, he'd rather hear a stroke victim speak. He said he feels horrible when he sees Dick Clark on TV though.
Howard played some of the Dick Clark audio and said the guy really should just give it up already. They even let Dick count down to the new year which was pretty hard to listen to. Howard said that Dick even sang a song. He then played Cliff Palette singing AC/DC's ''For Those About To Rock.'' Howard played some more of Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest's final words from the New Years thing. Dick was mumbling and slurring his words while Ryan was showing off with his clear speech. That led to Howard goofing on both of them and Fred playing some Crackhead Bob clips in the middle of that.
Howard said that Dick used to call into the show before his stroke. He said he was always pretty cool when he called in. Howard played the Crackhead Bob prank call where he calls a Chinese food restaurant and tries to order some food. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that one of Artie's New Years resolutions wasn't to give up eating pancakes drenched with butter and syrup because that's what he was eating this morning. Artie said he doesn't want to waste away to nothing.
Howard read through some e-mail since they've been away for the past couple of weeks. He read some stuff about George Takei's visit before they went on vacation. He said that someone wrote in about Jackie's Joke Hunt show where he seems to be refusing to say 888-STERN-101 when he gives out the phone number. He just gives out the actual numbers. Howard said that might be some weird psychological thing with Jackie and he wants Tim to get on him about saying the STERN-101 thing. JD came in and said that Jackie doesn't always do that, he does give out the STERN-101 number.
Howard read an e-mail where a guy asked if Fred was serious about the line ''Rosebud'' being a reference to a clitoris. Fred said it's true and the reference was just some personal information that was given out in the movie. There was some feedback about Martha Stewart's visit to the show recently. Some people really enjoyed her interview with Howard.
Howard said that he's kind of pissed about some of his interviews being printed in magazines as if they did them. He said that he wants them to list it when he does a great interview instead of taking it as their own.
Howard read some more various mail and one guy asked him to replay the song that he likes where BB King is singing in it. Fred found the song and said that it was Primitive Radio Gods ''Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand.'' Howard said the song isn't even all that great, he just likes that one part of the song where BB King is singing. He said he once had the song cut down and looped with just that part so he could listen to it when he was shooting his movie ''Private Parts.''
Fred played the song and Howard said that one part where BB is singing just kills him. Artie said that the song is a great heroin song because the beat is just right. Robin said he would never take the drug if it makes you listen to songs like that. Howard said his shrink wants him to bring the song in an play it for him to hear what it is that makes him so sad.
Howard said that Foo Fighters ''My Hero'' makes him cry as well. Robin asked Fred to put that one on because she wants to see him cry. Artie said he's that way about a couple of songs but he doesn't actually cry. Howard said that ''My Hero'' was written about Kurt Cobain and for some reason the song makes him think about his father being his hero and it makes him sad. Fred played the song and Howard explained how he relates his father to the song even though Robin was telling him that it has nothing to do with that. Howard said it doesn't matter because that's not the way he hears the song.
Artie said that he has a song that totally reminds him of his father but it has nothing to do with him. He said the song is Night Moves by Bob Seger and he just sees his father singing the song in a van when he hears it. Howard said there's no way he's playing that song on the air.
Howard said he's reminded of his grandfather when he hears the song ''Right Between the Eyes'' by Graham Nash because his favorite saying was ''Right between the eyes'' according to his mother. Howard was still listening to ''My Hero'' and said he once played it for his kids. He told them that the song makes him sad because it reminds him of his hero but they didn't ask who that was, they just ignored him.
Fred played ''Night Moves'' to try and get Artie to cry but Artie said that won't make him cry. Howard cut the song off after about 2 seconds because he said no one wanted to hear it. Fred also pulled out a classic clip where Graham Nash played ''Right Between the Eyes'' live on the show. Howard said he had forgotten all about that performance.
Artie said that he dated a chick in Los Angeles one time and she had a favorite condom so he tried them out. Then she told him that they weren't the same for her with him as they were with other guys. Artie said that maybe that's because he was wearing them.
Howard read an article by a guy who praised him just a year ago but is now saying that satellite radio is failing. Howard claims that satellite is the fastest growing thing out there maybe only behind iPods. He said this guy will be eating his words in a couple of years.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who wished Will the best with his engagement. She also said she saw Beth on Extra the other night and she looked gorgeous in the bridal gowns she was trying on. Howard let her go a short time later.
A phone caller asked Howard how his father is still his hero even after the negative things that he's done. Howard said that a parent is almost god like to a kid and he would look up to him even if his father didn't think he did. He said that he was always everything to him. He said that you realize as you're growing up that the guy is just ordinary and that's what Dave Grohl sings in ''My Hero.''
Howard and the guys spent some time talking about a parent's relationship with a kid and how mothers and daughters seem to have a better bond than a father and son. Artie said that his mother told him that his father may have been jealous of the kind of money he's making these days. He never got to see that happen though so Artie will never know.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's glad that they're back from vacation. He said that he bought a Chevy which had XM radio in it and he tried listening because it was free for a few months. It just sucked so he didn't keep it. Howard said he read a story where they did a poll and found that people preferred SIRIUS over XM as far as music and stuff like that. Howard said if there is a merger, he hopes that the programming people from SIRIUS are kept on and stay in place. He said he'd hope that they'd phase out the XM crap.
Howard said he had a lot of calls waiting so he took one from Gary the Retard who wished him a Happy New Year. Gary asked Howard if he could come in for his birthday in February. He said his birthday is on February 28th so it's really only happened 7 times in that 50-some years he's been on earth. Artie started goofing on Gary but when Gary mentioned that he wanted to go see what Artie looks like in his movie, Artie thanked him and reminded everyone that the movie is out today.
Howard said that in the old days they had a guy who would fly with Gary out to New York from Oregon. Now he doesn't have a guy tho fly him around so it's a whole big deal to get him in there.
Howard said that Wendy the Retard sent a Christmas card but in the card you think that she's kind of pretty until you realize it's her sister. He showed the guys the picture and Artie said that Wendy is just about hidden in the tree in the background. Howard joked that she was in the background eating a rock.
Gary said that he remembers talking to the Playboy people and they told him that Hef sat her down and told her not to talk about him anymore, but she went right ahead and did it so she got kicked out. Robin said they should talk to her to find out how she's doing.
Howard said he thinks that Kevin Smith forgot to take him off his Christmas list. He sent a card but he thinks that he doesn't like him anymore. Howard said he doesn't give a shit and doesn't care. He said that he may have bad mouthed some of his movies but he's done some good ones. Howard admits he's done some bad radio shows and some good ones, Kevin should just get over it.
Howard said that someone donated money in his name but he hates that. He said he doesn't get a tax break from something like that so it's pointless. Howard told Robin that there's this guy who sends him a card telling him that he's donated money in his name but he knows someone at the charity who said that the guy has never donated a dime.
Howard went through some of his other Christmas cards. They got one from Carrot Top. They got a card from the Real Doll people and the dolls are looking even better these days. He said that he'd bang the doll in the picture. Gary said that the guy has offered to make them another doll in any form they want. Howard wanted to make one as Elisabeth Hasslebeck but Gary said they could also make one as Robin. Howard told him to do that.
Howard got a card from David E. Kelly, The Kimmels and Sarah Silverman and the Osbourne's who also donated money in his name. Gary said that Sharon Osbourne would give the greatest gifts until she got cancer, now she just makes donations.
Howard said he got a card from Hugh Hefner and his wives. There was one from Marshall Fine who was shaking hands with someone in his picture who wasn't recognizable. He also mentioned he got one from Bobby Slayton and family and Denise Rich.
Artie mentioned he got a card from Jack Daniels because he owns a square inch of property on their land. He said it means nothing but down in the South it apparently means a lot.
Howard asked Steve if he has a really big penis. Steve said he never compared it to anyone so he's not sure. Howard asked him if he's ever watched porn and compared it to them. Steve said he doesn't think about it and doesn't compare it. Howard said that means he must have a big one because it's only guys who have small ones who worry about it. Artie said that a guy knows if he has a big dick or not. Steve said that he's 50 years old and he's more worried about getting a nap every day.
Steve told Howard that they have a story about how satellite radio is the biggest growing consumer product other than the iPod. Howard said that's why these stories out there claiming that satellite is failing are bullshit.
Howard was still on the subject of Steve's big cock and asked if they should get that chick in there. Sal came running in a short time later with a ruler to measure Steve. He wanted to take him into the bathroom and measure him but Steve wasn't interested.
Steve mentioned that the Beer League DVD is out today. They'll be covering that in the news and also talking about George Takei getting some more TV work. Certain stores are giving out Beer League t-shirts on this launch day. That led to Artie talking about how he didn't have a clean shirt to wear the other night when he did his comedy show so he went through his Christmas gifts to find if anyone had given him a shirt. Someone gave him a collard Yankee shirt so he wore that.
Steve mentioned that they'll also be covering some news coverage of Cliff Palette's death and a few other things today. Howard let Steve go and asked Jon Hein what they'd be covering today. Jon mentioned the resolutions that they talked about earlier. They'll also talk about Dan the Song Parody Man's performance at Artie's comedy show. They'll talk about Will's engagement and how Howard said he may end up going down that road some day. They will speculate on when and if Howard will ever buy that ring for Beth. There was also some discussion about getting Beth pregnant.
Howard said that his life would be ruined if he did get Beth pregnant. He plans on retiring at the end of his run at SIRIUS in 4 years. He said that his fantasy is to one day in his life to be off the radio and maybe just do a show here and there as a special event. He said he'd be off the radio and do the things he likes to do. He said he would wake up, eat, read the papers until 10 or 11 o'clock. Then he might play chess and take some lessons or something. After that he might take a nap, get ready for dinner, drink a bottle of wine, watch TV and then go to bed. He said that would be his life. Howard said he doesn't need anything else, that's it.
Artie said it sounds like Howard is trying to prepare himself for taking some time off. Robin doesn't think he'll be able to pull it off. She thinks he'll take some time off and come screaming back to radio. Artie asked how often he would see Robin and Fred if they were off radio. Howard said he could see them every day and not do this stuff on the air. He wondered if he would really get together with Robin if they weren't on radio anymore. He said he might have to have Robin move in with him so they could do the show from his house.
Howard said he'd like to see Artie but he'll probably be dead from a heroin overdose by that time. Artie said that maybe he'll have a hit sitcom by that time and Jillian Grace will play his wife in the show.
Artie said that he was thinking about what to say about Howard Stern's effect on main stream media when he was going to do his Carnegie Hall show and the one thing that came up was the fact that Stuttering John is the announcer on The Tonight Show. That led to the guys talking about John's awful delivery and how odd they found it that he was chosen to be an announcer on that show.
Howard said that John was so bad that they had to make him pre-tape his announcing for the first time in history.
Howard said that they all have to have a New Years resolution not to talk over each other. They have to be careful about that stuff because he's noticed it during the replays. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard also did a little bit of a tribute to James Brown during the news. He played some audio from the last appearance James made on the show there at SIRIUS. James told Howard how great he thought he was and how everyone should be able to get Howard Stern on the radio in this country. He also played a clip where James talked about how he made his wife get ass implants to give her a bigger ass.
James Brown even performed with Howard and The Losers on the show one time. They had Gary playing trumpet that day and he could barely blow out a note even with those big lips of his. Howard played that clip and talked about how James really thought they were a real band and gave them advice on how to be better. Gary came in and said that James told him after the show that day that he could improve if he just played on the up beat instead of on the down beat. He didn't know that they were a total goof as a band.
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard made to a flower shop one time. They had clips of James Brown rambling and tried to get the guy at the flower shop to write down everything he was saying.
Howard said he really was a fan of James Brown's and it was a really big deal for him to have been able to meet him and interview him. He never would have dreamed that he could do such a thing when he was a kid. He said that James may have become less relevant to people over the years but there was a point in time when his music was very relevant and he could write a song about one word, like Popcorn... or Hot Pants.
Howard also played some more various audio clips of James Brown after that. He had one from a Larry King Live interview where James had some nice things to say about Howard Stern. Then there was an interview James did on Sonja Live where he was being interviewed shortly after a domestic dispute charge.
Howard played some of James' ''Sex Machine'' song and then took a call from Yucko the Clown. Yucko said he had just gotten out of Betty Ford... but not the clinic, from the old lady herself. That led to the guys talking about Gerald Ford's death for a short time. Yucko asked Howard which President's death was harder for Howard, Ford or Reagan. Howard said he just thought that Ford was a good president. Yucko wished Howard a ''Happy Jew Year'' but he wasn't honking his horn for some reason so Howard said maybe he's dropped that for the new year of 2007.
Howard played some classic Eddie Murphy comedy clips where he talked about James Brown and did a great impression of him. That led to the guys talking about how talented Eddie Murphy really is. Robin argued with Howard and Artie about that saying that Richard Pryor was better than Eddie because there would be no Eddie if Richard Pryor hadn't come first.
Howard said that he's thinking of creating a Howard Stern Library where he would show off all of the stuff he's saved over the year. He said he's saved just about everything over the years from notes from Letterman to fan mail and stuff like that. Howard said that he would have to have a great building like a Taj Mahal type place for the fans to visit. He could imagine people arguing about the way the building should look and things like that. Robin said that his nose could be the entrance to the library or something like that. Howard said they could have a whole room for the Sybian. Robin said they could have a hologram so the fans could pick the woman they wanted to ride the Sybian.
Howard read through some of the most popular shows on Howard TV. He said they had categories that people voted on for the best and worst moments on Howard TV for the year. Artie took the Best Emotional Breakdown category. Jeff the Drunk took Best Wack Pack Appearance for his Stuck On You shows. There were a bunch that Howard whipped right through very quickly.
Artie mentioned that while they were gone there was a bit of a feud going on between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump and he was being really brutal with his comments. Howard said he finds it very entertaining when two people do that stuff but his mother thought that it was a little beneath Trump to do what he was doing. JD came in and told Howard he had some clips to play. Howard played one where Trump called her disgusting and talked about what a failure she is. He pointed out that she's fat, ugly and many other things.
Howard was about to end the show but the guys ended up talking about hot chicks for a short time. Artie was talking about who he thinks is hot but when he raised his arms his belly popped out from his shirt so Howard had to tell him to get longer shirts. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show saying he was exhausted. He had to take Ambien last night to get to sleep. He said he can't play chess during the week because he gets home around 4 or 4:30 and then has dinner and only has a couple of hours before he goes to sleep. He only played one game of chess last night but he lost to the guy and the guy wasn't even that good. He said he laid in bed pissed off at himself and wasn't able to go to sleep.
Howard said they had all kinds of good news yesterday about SIRIUS getting over 6 million subscribers but he couldn't get over the fact that he lost that game of chess. He said he was cleaning up the board and just fucked up and he beat himself up over that.
Howard said he was up until 11 o'clock last night before he took Ambien. Robin went off on him for getting so upset over something so ridiculous. Howard said that the guy who beat him was very gracious in his win but it really pissed him off because he's such a sore loser.
Howard said his mother and father were trying to explain what was what during that call. His mother was trying to relay the message from his father but didn't understand it. That's when she put his father on the phone to explain it himself.
Howard's father asked him if he wanted to keep that copy of the show for him. He said he could do that if he wanted but he said he could get one on his own. His parents still have a VCR so if he can't use that tape, it fucks up his whole system. Howard said he uses tapes over and over again instead of buying a new tape.
Howard said every time he called his parents from Mexico, they would ask him if he had the tape of the show yet. He would tell them to hold onto it but he would probably get it from someone else. He said it was driving his father nuts.
Artie said that knowing that his parents are so anal about that stuff makes his mother's story about not getting the limo that time SIRIUS forgot to send one over. Howard said there was another time when he tried to have his daughters picked up out on Long Island to be brought back into the city and the car service didn't show up. He said his assistant Laura confirmed that car service two times but it never showed up and his mother wondered what was going on. He said his mother was saying that ''nature would provide'' and then went on to tell her story about not getting picked up by SIRIUS.
Howard said his mother was telling her stories while he was trying to get a car service out to his kids. He said that was going to be the last Thanksgiving he was going to hold if that's the way they were going to act. He said he could focus on a lot of bullshit that his parents didn't do for him when he was a kid. He said his mother failed to pick him up from camp one time so maybe he should bring that up when she brings up the car service thing.
Howard said his assistant Laura confirmed that service two times so they're not going to use them anymore. He said Laura is great about that stuff. Robin said you just can't rely on services like that. She said that she was dealing with the Geek Squad at Best Buy the other day and they forgot to pack up her power cord when they sent her stuff back with her.
Howard said there was a lot of shit up on his computer screen and he couldn't tell what was going on. He told Gary he wants to talk about how that works off the air.
Robin said the Geek Squad helped her out with her computer but then she went home without the power cord so Howard told Fred to play the ''Fuck You'' song. She said they look like their name too. Fred played that ''Fuck You'' song for the Geek Squad while Robin laughed. She said it was like they reassembled the A/V squad from high school over there.
Howard had some clips from Inside the Actors Studio where Eddie Murphy talked about living in Roosevelt like Howard Stern did. Eddie mentioned Howard's name and a couple of other people who grew up in the area. Artie said he had an odd collection of celebrities who grew up in his home town as well. Ray Liotta and Jeffry Ross the comedian were both from his area.
Howard played a prank call that Sal and Richard did with clips of his mother complaining about her missing limo. He said that the laugh she has during that prank call is the same laugh she had when she was telling her stories to everyone at the Thanksgiving get together. He went into his impression of his mother and explained how she was telling Beth's mother that story. He said that meanwhile, he was in the kitchen hanging himself like Saddam Hussein. That led to Robin telling a story about a young kid who died accidentally hanging himself from a ceiling fan in his home while trying to reenact the Saddam hanging.
Howard said he's not so sure that he would have killed Saddam so quick. He would have kept him around to ask him some questions before killing him off. Howard had another phone call with his mother's voice up on his computer screen but he was a little confused about where it was because the notes on his screen keep disappearing. He eventually found the clip and played the other prank call where the guys used clips of his father to call into a talk show. They also used clips of his mother to call into that same show.
SIRIUS is gaining on XM so now it's become very expensive to have the two companies but there is no official discussion as far as he knows. He said he may not even be told about discussions like that but he's pretty sure they're not going on.
Howard told the guy about the commercials that are being played on the music channels over at XM and how ridiculous that is. He said when he was talking to XM he found out that Clear Channel had gotten out of XM and that was one of the things he wanted to make sure before he signed on with either company.
The caller asked Howard if he talks to Mel Karmazin about this stuff. Howard said he hardly ever talks to Mel these days. They get together once in a while. He explained how he used to go into Mel's office after doing his show and it would always go horribly. He said he had to ween himself off of Mel because he couldn't take the business talk all the time.
Howard also told the caller that he's not concerned about Clear Channel at all. He said that even if they bought SIRIUS outright, and fucked with him, he'd be out of there. He moved to SIRIUS so he wouldn't have headaches anymore. If they mess with him, he's gone and that's it. He said all of his fans are there and if anyone screws with him, he's had it and he won't stand for it. He started to sing a song about what he would do if Clear Channel did somehow start to mess with him. He said that he would lead people to a new land if that happened... and that would be the internet.
The caller asked if he could be put back on hold after he's done with him. Howard said if he has a radio, he should listen to that and not hold up a phone line. The guy wanted to be on the line with ''the man'' but Howard ended up hanging up.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who asked why Big Foot was being screwed out of the $25,000 in the football pool. Howard said that the pool was based on the number of wins they have, not on pushes or losses. The caller thought that was wrong but Howard said that's the way it was set up. Big Foot would have won because he did have the best record. Artie thought that's the way it was going to work but Howard had to spell it out for him that it was based on wins.
Sal came in and said that it was just a funny joke, nothing more. He doesn't think that he's a racist, he thinks that someone like Daniel Carver is a racist. Howard said that makes him a racist when he makes a joke like that. Sal thinks that Howard is full of shit when he says he never told any racist jokes when he was a kid.
Howard asked Artie what he thinks. Artie said he thinks that Sal is definitely a racist. Robin said that it's obvious that Sal immediately thinks about her as being black and nothing else. Sal said that everyone evolved from apes and some just take longer to evolve than others.
Fred played Sal out of the studio with the ''I'm an Asshole'' song. Howard then played another clip of Sal using the word ''profound'' but saying like ''PRO found.'' They goofed on him about that a little bit and then Gary got on his speaker phone and explained how Sal just doesn't understand what a racist is. Sal got on the speaker and said that he likes ''racist humor'' so the guys had to correct him on that as well to say that it's ''racial'' humor. Howard thought he had gotten rid of Sal but he was still on that mic. He cut him off but then Sal came in and tried to make a point. Howard turned off his mic but he kept talking.
Richard came in and told Howard that about 10 people down in Baltimore walked out of a comedy show they did when Sal was up on stage. Sal said that the people there thought that the Killers of Comedy was the Kings of Comedy and got up and left because they were confused.
Howard cut Sal off again and tried to get him out of the studio but he insisted on making his point. Howard let him talk. Sal explained that he's comfortable with where he is and that's why he says stuff like that. Artie asked him if he uses the N-word in his act and asked if he gets the difference between the way they use it. Artie said that they use it in a different context and Sal's is racist while his isn't.
Howard said he had to move on so he let Sal go. He took another phone call from a woman who said that they love Bubba and Ferrall. That led to Howard talking about Bubba's wedding and how a lot of them are going down there. Fred was going to pass on the trip but he changed his mind and may go down now. He said Fred sent him a note and said that he might go down there in 6 months for the divorce party instead. Artie said he's been to a couple of southern weddings and they are pretty different.
Howard played a clip from The Today Show where one of the reporters pronounces ''annals'' as ''anals.'' Howard said he feels like Beavis and Butt-Head when he hears that clip and gets a laugh. There was another clip where a reporter said ''Lesbians'' instead of ''Lebanon'' while reading a report. There was another clip where a guy tries to use the word ''Title'' but says ''Tit-le'' and goes crazy thinking that the clip is going to be all over the internet. Artie thought that guy may have done that on purpose but Howard thought it was a real mistake.
Howard said that Cousin Brucie was out in the halls there at SIRIUS the other day and was staring at him in a strange way. He thinks that the guy might be losing it since he doesn't get any credit for SIRIUS doing well.
Artie told a story about working with Dick Vitale one time. He said that the guy was really mellow off the air but when they shot this scene they were doing, the guy went nuts in his on-air personality he has. He said it scared him when he saw that side of him.
Howard did his Cousin Brucie impression as if he was talking to the people he was showing around the studios there. He said that Brucie once asked him to do his show so he said he'd do it. He's never been on though. Howard said the guy is a nice guy, he just does a different type of show than he does. He said the guy made some good money owning radio stations.
Howard did more of his Brucie impression. That led to Artie talking about a bit they did on the show years ago with Penn Jillette because he sounded kind of like Brucie. He said they had him call and leave a message for the FCC and that message was simply the word ''pussy.''
Artie also asked Robin about her date with Penn Jillette. She went out with him but didn't have sex with him. She said that she did kiss him but the chemistry just wasn't there. Howard said the guy was actually a nice guy. Artie also asked Robin about Clarence Clemens since he wanted to go out with her. Fred played a clip from K-Rock where he was sweet talking Robin trying to pick her up. Robin was very uncomfortable that day but Howard loved that.
Robin said there were other guys who would fall in love with her on the show. Joe Frazier was one of them. Howard said there have been lots of guys who hit on Robin out of nowhere. He said they'd be walking down the street and guys would hit on her like crazy. He said he can't believe what goes on with her. He said the guys could care less that he was walking with her and they'd just tell her to get rid of him and go with them.
Howard said that black janitors and black parking lot attendants are very brazen when they see a beautiful black woman. He said that they just say what's on their minds and go crazy.
Howard took a couple of phone calls, including one from Johnny Fratto who told a quick story, and then went to commercial break.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa came in and told Howard that the DVD release for Beer League went up to number 3 on the Amazon top DVDs yesterday. Artie came walking in and said that they were talking about advertising the DVD but they only wanted to spend like $35,000 on ads. He said he can do better promotion on Howard's show than they could with that kind of money.
Artie swore off soda for the new year but the guys have been saying that they've seen him drinking other crap that's going to be just as bad. Howard said that Hawaiian punch is just as bad as soda. Artie didn't see it that way but Howard told him it's the same thing, just without the bubbles.
Howard said Artie came to him and told him that he was feeling better and thinner after cutting out the soda, then two minutes later he hears that he's drinking Nesquick and Hawaiian Punch. He told him that the idea of giving up soda is to give up the sugar. If he's drinking these juices, it's just as bad as drinking soda. Artie said that it's still good to give that up, it's like baby steps.
Robin said that she's seen Artie in the kitchen area stuffing cupcakes in his mouth while he's waiting for the vending machine guy to fill the machine. Artie said that his first change is going to be giving up soda, they can only yell at him when he starts drinking that stuff again. Howard told him he's out of control. Artie knows that but he's still given up soda.
Doug Goodstein came in and told Howard that the soda has 41 grams of sugar while the Hawaiian Punch has 43 grams of sugar. Lisa G said they're going to be talking to a nutritionist about what Artie drinks and eats. She also said that Artie is kind of worried about his Letterman appearance tonight so that's one reason he's eating so much. Artie said that he has a million things to talk about but he thinks they all suck. He said he does have to follow Matt Lauer so that will make it easier on him.
Artie said he watched Letterman last night to see Dave promoting him and it seemed like Dave hated him when he said his name. Lisa G said that Shuli will be back stage following Artie around there at Letterman.
Howard said that someone has to draw a cartoon of Artie hanging over the vending machine guy while eating a cupcake. He told Artie that he really should drink soda because it's not as bad as the juice is as far as the sugar levels. He said Artie is all stressed out because he can't fit into a pair of pants for Letterman tonight.
Howard said that Artie should tell the story about ripping his pants on stage at Carnegie Hall when he's on Letterman tonight. Artie said that he would like to talk about his heroin use but they reject a lot of that kind of stuff there at Letterman.
Lisa G told Artie that he could lose 24 pounds in a year just by avoiding soda. Artie said he's lost weight before and he's pretty sure he can do it again. Howard played a song parody that Bob Levy sent in about Artie. Artie said the song was awful. Howard said his songs just aren't funny and cut that song off his page.
Lisa G said that they have an interview with a woman known as the Chess Bitch. Howard said he's actually reading her book now and explained what that's all about. He said he'd like to meet her after Lisa said that she would also like to meet him. Howard said that he's been playing against Jeff Schick from IBM but he was a little rusty after not playing for a few years.
Lisa said they'll be talking to someone from Trojan since Howard said he really likes these Elexa condoms that they put out. Howard mentioned them yesterday and said that they really help him out and they worked good for him and for Beth. He said he has to wear a condom to hold out longer because Beth is so hot. He said he sometimes looks down at himself and sees his belly hanging there to hold out a little longer because he's so disgusted by himself.
Artie said that he was with this new chick like a month ago and he had to wear a condom with her. He said if they had video of that they'd never take it off Howard TV. He said it's hard for him to reach down there because of the size of his gut. Howard told Artie that he can't wear the pants he was wearing today because his whole ass was sticking out. Howard wrapped up with Lisa and let her go.
JP said that she started to notice that the sales were for that stuff and one night she got an e-mail from a guy who didn't have a holster for his gun. He had nothing to carry his pistol in and she started to break down when she thought about how horrible that is.
Robin said that on Christmas Eve, Lynn Cheney was going around talking about how honored they are that those young women are fighting for the country but meanwhile they won't outfit them with the right equipment.
Howard said that he was watching President Bush on some TV show recently and he thinks that the guy shouldn't be out celebrating like that when he's got all of those troops over in Iraq getting killed.
JP said that some of these guys want to write this stuff off on their taxes but they'd have to do so much paperwork. She told Howard that they didn't start supplying soldiers over in Iraq with bullet proof vests until 2004. They still don't have enough for them so that's why they're buying through this web site.
JP told Howard that sometimes the holsters out there are missing screws because they tend to fall out and they can't even get them because they go on backorder. She said that they end up using zip ties to hold their holsters together when that happens.
Howard thanked JP for calling in and let her go a short time later. She didn't give out her real name, she wanted to stay anonymous. She wished Howard a happy birthday as she was getting off the phone.
Howard said the guy jumped on top of the guy to keep him off the third rail, covered him with his body and the train rolled over them. Then they stopped the train and the black guy was okay. He saved the guys life and didn't get killed doing it. Howard said he could never do that himself and it's amazing that someone would do that for someone else. He said the guy is a real hero. His name is Wesley Autry according to Robin.
Howard played a clip of a reporter choking on the air that he played yesterday. He wanted to play a clip of this Wesley guy talking about saving this guy's life but they didn't have the clips up yet. He heard that the guy said that the guy was saying that he wasn't a hero but Howard thinks the guy is.
Howard said that this Oprah Winfrey is an interesting woman. She's trying to help out some disadvantaged girls over in Africa and apparently trying to get into heaven. He talked about that and said that she built a $40 million academy that the girls will be able to go to. He said she built a lot of stuff down there that the kids don't really need down there.
Howard had some audio clips of Oprah that they edited. They had her talking about Stedman's penis smelling like cheese and onions and other wacky stuff. He went on to read some stories about what Oprah was doing down in Africa when she opened up this academy. He then admitted to Robin that he reads Oprah's magazine. Robin said he's got a lot of strange stuff going on in his life.
Howard got back to the article he was reading and read about all of the celebrities that were down there with Oprah. He said that Mariah Carey was down there wearing hardly anything. Howard said the ultimate thing would be to get a graduate from the Oprah Leadership Academy to ride the Sybian. He said it would be great if they could make that happen. He also said that it would be great if all of the graduates started working at Scores.
Howard read about the party that Oprah held down there. Howard said he can imagine being invited to those parties if he could get into Gayle King's good graces. He met her once not too long ago and pictured himself becoming good friends with her.
Howard played a voice mail from Wendy the Retard as he was going to break. In the voice mail Wendy yelled at him for not sending her any money for Christmas. She said she would use the money for food and alcohol if he had helped her out. Wendy said that her life is a disaster. She said she watches three kids and she would like to buy stuff for them. She did end it by saying that she loves Howard. Howard figures she just wanted to buy some beer and pizza with that money.
Howard was going to go to break after that but he also played one more bit that Sal and Richard did as Jack and Rod. They had Evil Dave Letterman on the show with them as they were interviewing a guy. They had the guy fooled into thinking that he was the real David Letterman. Dave asked him a bunch of gay questions. The guest was laughing at Dave's jokes but eventually hung up on him when Dave asked him to because he was making him sick. Howard went to break after that.
Howard said that Tara Reid was counting down in Chicago and she started out from 60 instead of starting at 10. He said that was so annoying of her to do. Robin said that she can't count either because she was off by a few numbers.
Howard replayed the Dick Clark clips he played yesterday. Artie said when he did his own countdown on New Year's Eve, he started at about 4 instead of dragging it out.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered what Johnny Fratto was trying to tell him earlier when he cut him off. Howard thought that Johnny was dragging out one of his long stories earlier so he decided to cut him off. The caller said that Johnny has been hanging out on SternFanNetwork lately and has his own section there. It's apparently the fastest growing section there.
Howard said that caller's name was Slunt which is an interesting name. He said that he has an online name when he plays chess but it's not all that threatening. He said he needs something like DaBadAss. Artie told him to put together something that doesn't make sense like ''boogerfucker'' or something like that.
Howard said that JD is banging this hot porn chick that he was checking out on her web site recently. Her name is Kimberly Kane. He asked JD if she's wild in bed. JD said that it wasn't crazy breaking things but it could get there. Howard asked if it was a disappointment. He said it definitely wasn't a disappointment.
Howard asked JD how he can be ''DaBadAss'' on the web when he's really not. JD wanted Howard to just finish telling a story he was telling but they wanted to hear more about his sex life instead. Howard said that JD is holding out for this Kimberly Kane chick and won't bang other chicks.
JD said that he knows that Kimberly hasn't been holding out for him, she's had to work since she was there. Richard came in and said that there's an article about JD and Kimberly on AVN.com and she claims that JD is at the top of her list of suitors. Richard said that she went out and did a porn movie after JD banged her and the guy looked like Fabio.
Howard said that he watched a shit load of porn during vacation. He said he'd watch that Battlestar Galictica stuff and see the hot blonde on there and then he'd have to watch some porn. He said he watched some of this Chloroform video that he's talked about before. He explained how the guy chloroforms these chicks and kidnaps them, but they can't have him banging them in the movie because it's illegal. He said the girl wakes up after being chloroformed and will be all confused. Then the guy will knock her out again and dress her up in different outfits. He said it's so depraved that even he can't beat off to it.
Howard said the chicks in those movies aren't that hot and are kind of chunky. He said that in one scene the guy plays with this chick's tits and then puts her into a new bra. Howard said the porn is so bad that he can't even beat off to it. There was another porno where the guys were wearing rubbers and he just couldn't get into it.
Howard said there was one movie with Savanna Samson that was hot. He also watched one with Carmen Luvana that was pretty hot. He said one of the movies was a slave auction that was pretty disturbing to him. He said in one scene the guy ties a woman up to a wall and then takes pictures of her after paying $5,000 for her at this slave auction.
Howard said the Carmen Luvana movie was good but even she's kind of wacky. She talked about a fantasy she had but the friend she had there was some fat chick. Artie didn't remember who Carmen was until they showed him a picture of her. Then he remembered who she was and said she was hot.
Gary said that he tried something new and it's changed his life. He said he's been using a web site to watch porn movies instead of keeping DVDs around his house. Howard didn't get his point. Gary said he was just telling him that because he complains about not having anything good to watch. Howard said it's funny when he talks about the awful movies he gets so he's going to keep it that way.
Richard said that since Howard watches these movies on a huge TV screen, the penises must be 3 feet long. The guys didn't get why he would bring that up and not say that a woman's vagina is huge. Richard said you don't want to think about a woman's vagina being huge. He also said that he likes watching this certain guy, Peter North, because he has some huge money shots. Howard said he forwards through that stuff because he has no desire to watch it. Richard said he times his load to when the guy is shooting his load. The guys all found that kind of strange.
Howard wondered what JD wanted since he was still standing there. JD said he was just standing there, he didn't want anything. Howard let both JD and Richard go after that.
Benjy wanted to know more about the story that Howard started to tell earlier about banging some chick in front of another couple. Howard said he started to mess around with this chick back when he was in college but he didn't want to get into that creepy stuff so he went into a bedroom later. Howard also talked about some of his other sexual conquests after his divorce. He said that he had two chicks at once one time. One of the chicks was blowing him while the other was messing around with him. He said that he'd love to say who the famous chick was but he couldn't get into details.
Howard said he had to take another break after that. He said that 50 Cent is supposed to be on the show tomorrow. Richard Christy came back in and said that it would be kind of funny if Howard chloroformed all of them and changed their clothes like the guy did in that video. Howard said that stuff is dangerous so he probably wouldn't do something like that. Richard said he thinks it would be a funny bit for the show. Howard said it would be kind of funny to do something like that.
Artie suggested that they knock Richard out and bury him somewhere. He also pointed out that Richard has white rings around his eyes while Sal has dark rings around his eyes, so they're like complete opposites. Howard was goofing on Richard about the Peter North thing he mentioned earlier and how Richard might wake up some day with some dude's load on his back. Artie told Richard to admit he's gay because he's got all of these weird thoughts.
Richard said he doesn't have any desire to put a penis in his mouth. Artie said he's pretty sure he's never touched a dude's penis like Richard has. Richard and Sal painted each other's penises for Halloween this year. Richard claims that he would never come on to a guy.
Howard told Artie about the farm that Richard grew up on and how he should check it out on Howard TV. Artie said he pictures the farm as looking like the house from The Wizard of Oz, out in the middle of nothing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was at the Jimmy Kimmel show that he did a few weeks ago. He thought it went over pretty well and everyone was laughing during the taping. The guy said he saw both Johnny Fratto and Melrose Larry Green there at the show. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard mentioned that Bubba is having all kinds of surgeries for his wedding and now he can't sit down right. He had his thighs slimmed down or something like that. Howard said he's a funny dude. He and the guys kind of goofed on him a little bit about his weight loss and how he gained it right back.
Howard said that Bubba did gain some weight even though he's into working out and all of that. He talked about Bubba working out with Hulk Hogan and how he was told by Hulk that he'd actually like it if he dated his daughter Brooke.
Artie mentioned that they have a promotion going on at Circuit City where you get a free Beer League DVD if you guy a SIRIUS radio. He said he doesn't make any money off of that but all the best to everyone who is.
Howard said that Artie is all nervous about his Letterman appearance tonight. He said he tried to talk to Artie during the break but Gary wouldn't let him get a word in. He just talks non-stop during the breaks. Artie said that he thinks that Gary has important stuff to discuss with Howard so he doesn't interrupt. Artie said that the Letterman stuff should be good, the first time was really tough.
Howard quickly played the Top 5 Songs which included songs like ''My Love,'' ''Smack,'' ''Fergilitious,'' ''I Wanna Fuck You.''
Howard moved on to read some e-mail. He read one where someone complained about him giving drinking advice to Artie. He was suggesting sparkling water and some juice added to it instead of drinking soda. Artie said he's never had a Perrier before.
A fan wrote in and said that Artie was hanging out with some girl at Dream Girls recently. Artie said that was his mother and sister who were with him that night. He said they both dress alike and look the same. He said his sister is over in Viet Nam right now teaching workers how to deal with clothes that they make for American Eagle. He said she is really career oriented and she travels a lot. Howard said that she'd be perfect for Artie if she wasn't his sister.
Another e-mailer suggested that Artie be put in a recumbent bicycle instead of having his chair there. That and his mic would be powered by pedaling. Howard seemed to think that was kind of funny. Howard read some other e-mails and one woman told Robin to go ahead and try to run the New York City marathon because she had done it and didn't have any breast problems like the guys were afraid Robin would.
Howard said that there were some people who wrote in about Shuli's ''Shalom Beotch'' sign off on the Howard 100 News. The fans were telling Howard to leave him alone and let him do his thing. Howard got some feedback about the hot blonde in Battlestar Galictica. People told him that she's going to be in Playboy next month.
Howard wondered why the aliens would need Riley to fuck them to make kids. No one challenges him on those stories. He played more of Riley telling his stories about the way the aliens take stuff from this planet and bring it there. He was saying that when people are brought to the planet ''Be-ah-vey'' they can bring only one pet and it has to be a carry on pet.
Howard said he was offered the part that Mick Jagger has in the show for the next season. He said it would have been an easy job from what he can tell.
Steve said that they will have a report about Artie's Beer League DVD which was number 4 on the Amazon.com DVD list this morning. Yesterday it was number 3. Steve said that Howard may be appearing on the Jim Breuer show today. Howard said he is doing it and he's sorry that he got involved. He said he loves Jim but he's so burnt after this show that he doesn't want to do anything else. He said Jim is holding some anniversary for the show and they want him in there for four o'clock. He said they're going to do it at noon instead since he didn't want to stick around until four.
Howard said he thought Gary got him out of that whole thing but it turns out he didn't. Howard said he's not going to come up with a whole agenda, he's going to let Jim ask him questions instead. He's doing the show but he told people not to expect it to be good. He really doesn't want to do other shows and hates doing them. He didn't want to do Letterman but he did it anyway. He takes those appearances very seriously and has to put some work into them. He said he wishes that he was a hot chick with big tits, that way he could just giggle through his interview.
Howard said the worst guest is that Jennifer Aniston. He said she should just show her tits. He said it was a good move for Brad Pitt to get out of that relationship with ''sour puss'' Jennifer. He said it was a great move to go to Angelina instead. He said Jennifer must have been such a bad lay that Brad Pitt went to a woman who has a ton of kids from third world countries. She's less annoying than Jennifer Aniston.
Howard said he's never met Jennifer other than a real quick visit on the show one time, but he can't imagine what it's like to deal with her. Howard said that the smartest move of 2006 was Brad leaving Jennifer, he can't think of another move that's any better.
Howard and Artie were goofing on Jennifer for a couple of minutes. That led to the guys talking about some other celebrity couples like Courtney Cox and David Arquette. Artie also mentioned Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Artie said that Ashton's career is kind of dead right now but he has Demi as his lifeline so it's not totally dead yet. Robin said she read that Demi Moore is thinking of having a baby with Ashton.
Steve said that they have a story about Robin's visit to Spain over vacation. They found out that she went over there without Mr. X. Robin said she went with her friend Jodi. Howard asked her if they stayed in the same room and if she saw Jodi naked at all. Robin said no to both of those questions.
Robin said that Mr. X has been taking care of his sick mother lately so that's why he didn't go to Spain. Howard asked her if Jodi is married yet. She said she's not so Howard wondered how she got away. He said he pictures Robin kissing her goodnight over there in Spain.
After Steve was done with his show preview Jon Hein gave a quick rundown of what they'd be covering on today's Wrap Up Show. Jon mentioned a few things that went on during today's show that they'll be talking about.
Howard saw Jeff Schick from IBM in Gary's office so he talked about what a cool guy he is. Artie said he was over at his apartment recently and he was expecting a really geeky guy but he was actually a fun guy. Robin and Howard were talking about the kind of laptops they wanted to get so they can carry around their laptops with them everywhere. Robin said she almost blew up her computer over in Spain when she plugged it into the wall. She said it was crazy.
Mutt called in and said that Bubba was 400 pounds when he did the skydiving so he hurt his legs when he hit the ground because he was so heavy. He said he was in the hospital for a long time after that. His legs have been a mess ever since then so that's why he was getting them fixed.
Mutt also said that the guy who was strapped to Bubba was some little guy. Bubba was so big at the time that the straps for the parachute didn't go into the right spot and ripped him up. Howard said that Bubba's wedding is coming up soon so he might still be a mess. Mutt is going to the funeral but when Howard asked him if he was invited to his birthday dinner, Mutt said he hadn't been invited. Howard said he was glad that someone wasn't invited because there were apparently quite a few people going.
Howard talked about how Doug Goodstein is going to Bubba's wedding even though his wife just had a baby. Howard thinks that Doug is going because he's going. Doug came in and said that he and his wife are going to take some time off and go to the wedding to relax because they've been under a lot of stress lately. Howard said that's what happens when you have a kid. Doug said he's going to shoot the wedding down there so he's not just going for himself, he's shooting a TV show as a friend.
Howard said that they should strap a guy to Bubba's back as he's walking down the aisle at the wedding like he had when he went skydiving.
Bubba called in and said that he has 42 inches of incisions on his legs and he didn't do it to lose weight. He said he did ask for some lipo to be done while he was under but the doctor refused to do it. Bubba said he hasn't been working out lately because of his legs but he didn't stop just because Hulk Hogan moved.
Howard asked Bubba if Brooke Hogan is going to be at the wedding. Bubba said he wasn't sure because they're kind of flaky that way. They have four invited but they could be fighting or something when the wedding actually comes around.
Howard bragged that Hulk Hogan said that he would like it if he dated his daughter. He thought that was kind of cool. Bubba said that he's actually going to blow off his rehearsal dinner the Friday night before the wedding so he can make sure he gets to hang out with Howard and the crew.
Bubba said he's reserved the back room at the Doll House which is like the back room at Scores so they can hang out there. Howard said that Beth would go to the club with them even though she's not into chicks that much. He said he once shot a load into his pants when Beth was at Scores with him. He said it was so hot when she was getting a lap dance from a chick that he blew his load.
Bubba said that Doug Goodstein kind of bamboozled him for the taping of the wedding. He said that he wasn't sure he wanted to let him do it but he went ahead and approved it. He said Doug really put him in a bad spot by doing that. Howard told him he could have said no to him if he wanted.
Bubba told the guys about his parachuting accident that happened way back in 1995. He said he was doing a remote show from the skydiving place and they wanted him to go do it even though he was too heavy.
Howard asked Bubba why Jenna Jameson's boyfriend got beaten so bad in the UFC. Bubba told Howard what he thought went on there and thought that Chuck Lidel did what he had to do. Bubba also said that he's building an octagon ring in his studio for fighting. There's a chance that Fred might fight Bubba in that ring sometime.
Howard asked Artie if he was going to wear a suit to this wedding of Bubba's. Artie said it's a hillbilly wedding so they don't have to get dressed up if they don't want. Howard thought that was kind of lame. He said he's going to be wearing a suit himself. Bubba said that he and his boys will be wearing suits as well. He told Artie that he really doesn't have to wear a suit though. He said he'd be more upset if Artie actually did wear a suit. He said that Artie is like him and elastic is his best friend.
Fred said that he's going to be wearing a tux to the wedding. Artie said he's going to be wearing a sweatshirt and stuff like that. Howard wished Bubba luck healing up in time for his wedding. He said they'll see him in about a week. Howard went to break after that.
Robin read one story about a guy who had fallen asleep in a garbage truck and called 911 to save himself. That led to Artie talking about how he fell asleep inside one of those basketball game machines they have a bars and game rooms.
One audio clip that Robin played was Hillary Swank talking about what a great actor Patrick Dempsey was. That led to Howard talking about how she might talk about how he's so great that his loads cure cancer and she had him shoot one on her face to cure skin cancer. Then he came up with a whole movie idea where he would bang celebrities to cure them of cancer. He'd have Pam Anderson and Julia Roberts getting cancer that he had to cure with his jizz. Robin seemed to like the idea of the movie because she was laughing pretty hard at everything he was saying. Howard said he'd probably end up with someone like Nicolette Sheridan in his movie instead of someone he'd like to bang. He said there's one scene in his movie where he has to cure the life of a girl who goes to Oprah's academy down in Africa.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show saying that he though he wasn't going to have a voice this morning because he was doing Jim Breuer's show yesterday and he was yelling on mic because they don't use compression on their mics. Artie said those guys probably haven't even heard about that stuff over there. Howard said he has to use it and he could do 20 hours of show if he has it on. He said when you do a show where you talk constantly it has to be set a certain way.
Howard said that Jim Breuer loves the show so much that he really lays it on thick when he's talking to him. He said that one day on his show he did a tribute to them and got them gifts. Artie said that he got a really cool gift from him and it may have been one of the most thoughtful gifts ever.
Howard played a clip of Jim Breuer talking about how great Howard is. He was thanking him because of what he's done for SIRIUS. Jim said that Howard has mentioned his show and he doesn't have to do that since he has his own two channels. Jim said that their show is just a snot rocket on his sleeve. He said it's a great thing to have someone supporting them the way he does. That's the show they did where they got them gifts.
Howard said he didn't know Jim had gotten him gifts when they did that show. He played another clip where they had the guys giving their gifts. One of the gifts for Fred was a pick from a Pearl Jam show from 1998. Fred said he got the pick and it will remain unused and in pristine condition. He said it was really thoughtful of them to give that gift.
Breuer's guys had a gift for Artie as well so Howard played that clip where they said they got him a Thurman Munson handmade robe. Artie said that it was the coolest thing he had ever seen. It was a bathrobe with pinstripes with Thurman Munson's number on it. Howard sounded confused when he heard the description of the robe. Gary said that he got a Tom Seaver robe which was also very thoughtful. He told Howard that Robin was given Karate lessons since she has to deal with all of the guys there. They also got her a bottle of glue since she holds the show together. Jim got Howard a picture of his Goat Boy character that he can give to his dog Bianca to chew on.
Howard said he wanted Jim to do his Joe Pesci character but didn't want to put him on the spot. He said that Jim interviewed him on his show yesterday and thought that it would be about 5 minutes but it turned into about a half hour. He said he just wanted to go home though.
Howard and Artie talked about how tough it is to do other shows after they've done their show in the morning. Howard said he felt like a zombie after that.
Artie said he had to change pants after the show yesterday. He also said that he did the bald spot cover up in the make-up room. He said he told the hair guy that he wanted to cover it up because it's so depressing when he sees it on TV. He had to tell the guy that in front of hot chicks who were around in the room.
Artie said that he's been able to maintain that bald spot just the way it is so he's hoping that he can keep that up. He said he can still pull it off in front so it's not so bad. Fred suggested that he get a hair piece like Ted Danson had. Artie said he wouldn't do that. He kind of liked having a Yarmulke when he went to Ross' wedding though. It covered up his bald spot nicely.
Howard said it would have been funny if Artie had walked out on Letterman with his Yarmulke. Artie said that would have worked well because Dave had a joke about Mel Gibson that included a Yarmulke. Howard said he tried watching Artie's appearance on Letterman but he only got up to the intro. He said he couldn't figure out if Dave really didn't like that Artie was going to be on the show or not. Artie said he watched the night before just to see Dave pronouncing his name in a strange way.
Artie said that Vinnie is the best guy ever because he's such a coach. He helps him get through the whole thing. Howard said Steve Langford came with him to Letterman one time and he had to ask him to shut up because he was trying to get through the whole thing.
Artie told Howard that they love him over there at Letterman and they were all telling him that. Artie said he did a pre-interview over there and they had plenty of material that they could use. Artie said things went very well over there and he was very pleased with it.
Howard took a call from Stonerdude who talked up the appearance and seemed to like it. Another guy said that Artie's bank robbery story was great. Artie said that Letterman wanted to hear more about that the last time he was on. Artie said that he thought he had a great appearance and he told Shuli that. Artie said that someone asked him what kind of deal with the devil he made because he does Howard in the morning and Letterman in the evening.
Howard had some clips from the Wrap Up Show where Artie talked about stopping his soda drinking and how he's switched to Hawaiian Punch. He claims that he knows that it's just as bad as the soda is but he doesn't care. He said that he thinks that fat guys just can't stop themselves. Howard said that he used to eat that shitty food years ago and didn't know that those things were bad for him. He said that he was blissfully naive.
Howard kept the illusion going and told the guy that he met Anna Nicole at a club and took her home and fucked her in the ass. He said that he was surprised when he heard that she got pregnant. She told him that the sperm had dripped out of her ass into her vagina and that's how she got pregnant. Howard said no one believed it but it's what's called an ass and pussy baby.
The caller still thought it was a true story and asked Howard if he's going to find out if it's really his baby. Howard said that the doctors told him that he may have mixed up the ass and pussy because she was fat when he fucked her. Howard said it's possible that he did that. He also said that Beth is very upset about that and he had to buy her some jewelry to keep her from leaving him.
The caller kept talking to Howard as if the story was true. Howard and the guys were goofing on the guy. Howard said that one time a woman kept his jizz in her mouth and spit it into her vagina to make herself pregnant. She was in Cirque De Soliel and she was able to puke into her own vagina. He said that happens often to him.
The caller asked Howard what Anna did with the placenta. Howard told the guy that she actually ate it. He said now he's got a kid with Anna Nicole but he doesn't really think it's his because he fucked her in the ass. The caller said he wouldn't think anything different of Howard after hearing that story.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to the caller about the baby and then took a call from another guy who told that guy that he was a fool because there is more than one Howard Stern on this planet. The guy broke the news to him that Howard K Stern is the boyfriend of Anna Nicole Smith. Artie said that this guy was raining on their parade by breaking the news. Howard thanked both of them for calling in and let them go a short time later. Howard said that he was thinking of changing his name to Howard K Stern because of all of that. Artie said that there are probably a lot of people out there who think that Howard is really Anna Nicole Smith's baby's father.
Bobo said that Artie sat down before the host sat down and he thought that was the wrong way to do thinks. Artie said that he's supposed to sit down before the host. Howard and Artie talked about doing Letterman and how you can go out there and feel you have something to prove. It's like they're trying to impress Dave like they're his court jester. Howard said it's really odd to be there.
Howard said that Vinnie was gushing over Artie's appearance and they've already booked him for another appearance so he did great in their eyes.
Howard had some clips from the Letterman appearance. The first clip was Artie talking about the New Year's Eve show he did down in the Philadelphia area. Artie told some stories about the way the fans treated him there. Artie had Dave cracking up while he was telling his stories. Howard thought it was some funny stuff and played some more clips.
In the next clip Artie was talking about playing this one club in Vernon Hills, Illinois. He was telling Dave how horrible the club was and how he'd go there to kill himself if he was suicidal because there's nothing there that would make him change his mind. Howard said Dave must have loved that because he likes the dark humor.
Howard and Artie talked about how strange the applause breaks are there at Letterman. Howard said the audiences are very enthusiastic there. He got back to the clip where Artie was talking about doing that comedy show in Illinois and how he wakes up about 10 minutes before the show. He then told a story about the crowd there and how it was full of old people. There was one guy there who wasn't laughing but would make a noise and say ''Ahh, isn't that somethin!'' He said the guy would cover up his wife's ears when he'd do some jokes that were a little off color. Artie said that he was looking around the audience for someone with a gun to kill himself up there.
Artie told Dave a story about his uncle Sonny who one time told him that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was ''A Jew broad who fights draculas.'' Dave was laughing through all of Artie's stories. Howard told Artie that was good stuff he was doing. He said that Artie was reminding him of Eddie Murphy on Inside the Actors Studio sitting there the way he was with a serious face on while they were playing the clips. Howard said that Dave really was cracking up during those clips and that was pretty cool.
Artie said that was the longest segment he's ever had on a talk show. Howard seemed to think that was pretty cool too. Howard played the next clip after that and it was Artie's story about getting charged with attempted bank robbery one time. Artie told Dave the story about how he was dating a chick and they went to a bank so she could do some banking. He saw a cute teller there so he wanted to play a joke by writing a phony robbery note on the back of a deposit slip. He wrote the note and signed his name thinking the chick would know it was a joke. He said that she only read the line ''I have a gun'' and hit the silent alarm. He threw the note out after telling her it was just a joke. About an hour later he got a call from the sister of the girl he was dating telling him that the cops were looking for him. Then he heard from the girls father who told him in an Italian accent that when he robs a bank, he ''no take his daughter.''
Howard wondered who the band was on Letterman last night. Artie said it was Augustana but he didn't know much about them. Howard told him that was a great appearance he did. Artie said that he doesn't understand that guy calling in earlier and saying he bombed when it was so obvious he didn't. He'd like to be cut a little slack.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Artie was fantastic on the show. His delivery of stories is awesome according to the guy. The caller asked him if he just woke up before doing that appearance. Artie said he went home and tried to lay down but he had been up so early in the morning that he was still tired. The caller said it looked like he just woke up and looked like Pink's mom in Pink Floyd's The Wall.
Another caller told Artie that he looked like shit on the show last night. Artie said he can't get away from that. Howard thinks he could make himself look better by wearing different clothes. Artie said his sister has helped him before but she's over in Viet Nam right now. Howard told him that Ralph could help him out if he wants.
Artie told a story about doing the Hollywood Squares show back in about 1999. He was right next to Carmen Electra for the full shoot. He said Vivica Foxx was in the next square and the two of them had the most vapid discussions ever. He said that Vivica and Carmen talked about Scary Movie and how Carmen was talking about how cold it was up in Canada and how Keenan had bought her a heater. He said that his sister had helped him out back then and dressed him for that show.
Howard said that the old intern never got any special treatment but this cute intern, Rachel, got tours and introduced to everyone. Howard played some clips from the Intern Show where Rachel was talking about how much stuff Scott has done for her. Howard said that it's very obvious when Scott takes someone around like that, that he's doing it because she's hot. If he's never done it before and starts doing it all of a sudden, it's very obvious what he's doing.
Howard played more clips of Rachel talking about the many tours that Scott gave her there once she started. She said she was given a job of doing Robin's news which was apparently a first for an intern. She was also recording the show that day. Howard played a clip where Scott's old intern talked about how he never got introduced to anyone but John Stamos. He said that he was supposed to be there to learn but Scott didn't want him to do all of the recording and stuff that Rachel is already doing.
Scott said that he's not giving anyone extra treatment like people think he is. Howard said his old intern is saying that he never did give him a tour. Gary said that there's a machine out in the hall that he's never seen Scott using and yesterday he saw Scott hanging over her like he was helping Rachel with her tennis swing or something hanging over her at that machine.
JD came in an