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Howard started off the show saying that he was just listening to some audio clips of Bill O'Reilly talking about how he has golf balls for sale. He played the audio clip of Bill talking about some of the other products he sells too. Howard goofed on him about selling that stuff. He said he doesn't dislike the guy but he should have some dignity and not sell every single thing he can. He said that the guy makes enough money, he doesn't have to sell golf balls.
Howard talked about the O'Reilly stuff and then talked about how this guy Craig Ferguson who has his own talk show. He's not sure who is listening to his show because you can't understand a word he says. He's not sure if he gets any ratings and he can't ask Vinnie Favale because Vinnie would have to spin it in his own way. Howard played a clip from his show where he's talking to Dr. Phil. Craig was goofing on Dr. Phil about racing a motorcycle saying that he can't race one, because the motorcycle will win every time. He repeated the joke twice to make sure people got it. Howard said it just wasn't funny though.
Howard goofed on Craig for a short time and said he sounds like that Lucky Charms guy. He did an impression of him talking about the marshmallow charms in the cereal. He got back to the Dr. Phil clip where he was talking about his knee surgery that he had on the day of the Virginia Tech shootings. Howard said you have to hear how desperate the guy is to be on TV. He was off the operating table and in front of the camera within an hour and a half. Howard and the guys talked about how crazy that sounds, he has to be on TV to talk about a tragedy even though he had surgery that day.
Howard interrupted the clip and said that CD Radio was the original name of SIRIUS. He continued to play the clip where he talked about the cost of getting the company started and how it was going to be about $500 million. He and Robin talked about how many jobs it was going to create and how it might work.
Howard said that was 10 years ago when they were just learning about the birth of satellite radio. Gary asked if they predicted who would win this year's World Series too. Howard said it looks like it won't be the Yankees. Artie said it's early! That led to them talking about the Yankees win last night and their loss to the Mets on Saturday. They talked about this new kid on the team who looks like a child with zits on his face and all. Artie said that they've had a lot of injuries to their pitching staff so that hasn't helped them out.
Gary said that the Mets are doing great this season while the Yankees are just sucking. Artie said that Willie Randolph, an ex-Yankee, had to go in to straighten them out.
Howard said he was reading Bill Maher's new book and thought it was pretty good. He said he says he thinks that it was Bill who was saying that guys like baseball so much because it makes them remember their lives as kids. Artie said that's true but he and Gary didn't think that it was Maher who wrote that. They don't think that he's into sports like that. Howard wasn't sure but said that someone said it.
Howard said that if you were hot in the Valiant, you could turn on air conditioning. If you were cold, you could turn on the heat. He was getting to his point that in his limo, he can't control the temperature. He said that this maniac Ronnie the Limo Driver will never buy another limo for him. He said he was out Saturday night after going to dinner. He said that it had rained and the temperature had dropped. Beth asked him to turn on the heat so he went to do that and nothing came out. He said that cold air came out so he waited for it to warm up a little bit.
Howard said he asked his driver why he was freezing back there. He said the driver told him that Ronnie has a converter in there that has to be switched from heat to cold and it was on cold for the summer. Ronnie came in and said that he didn't build the car and this isn't the first time he's had to deal with that. Howard told Ronnie that Donald Trump has a car that Beth rode in for an interview, and he had heat.
Howard said he's going to call Donald Trump or even Dominic Barbara to find out where they get their cars built. He said he's never going to let Ronnie build a car for him to ride in again. Ronnie said that the company fucked him over and he can't do anything about it at this point. Howard asked him why he doesn't take it to get it fixed.
Howard asked Ronnie how long it took him to get his tattoo picked out and put on his arm. He said it was about 2 hours total so Howard asked him if he could take the time to get that heat problem fixed. Howard pointed out that his 1970 Valiant had heat and air conditioning at the same time.
Ronnie told Howard that the limo company went back to this technology that they used years ago where they have two separate units in the vehicle. He said the back and the front are different. He was going to explain why they had it the way it was but Howard said he wants Ronnie to tell the limo company that he's going to mention the company name on the air every day and tell people to never buy cars from them if they don't fix this.
Howard had Ralph on the phone to pile on top of him about all of that. Ralph said it's been like this from day one and they've had problems with the air and heat since then. He said that he hates to pile on top but told Ronnie that Howard shouldn't have to know about that kind of bullshit. Howard said he wants a 1970 stretch Valiant, at least that would have heat. Ronnie told Benjy to keep writing over there when he heard that joke.
Howard told Ronnie he must think he's a shit head for putting up with that. He said his parents were in the back of that car freezing the other night and he can't deal with that. Ralph asked Ronnie when he decided to switch over the heat to the air. Ronnie said he did it when the temperature started to get up around 75-80 degrees. Howard told him to maybe switch the steering wheel to the back so he can drive from the back and the passengers can sit in the front where there's heat.
Howard said it's really embarrassing to be in a limo with his girlfriend and parents and have the driver telling him that he's supposed to remember that they don't have heat because there's some valve that has to be switched. Ronnie had told Howard that there's a valve he has to turn under the hood to stop the anti-freeze from going to the back of the vehicle to get it heat. Howard said he's been in a bunch of limos and they've all had heat and air conditioning at the same time.
Ralph asked why the driver didn't switch the petcock to get the heat. Howard told him that it was only a 15 minute drive so he didn't want to get out to do that. Howard went on to ask Ronnie how many hours he was over at Scores over the weekend. Ronnie said it was probably 4 hours or so. Howard told him that he's not to go over there anymore until he gets this car fixed. He told Ronnie that he should get his money back for the car if they won't fix it. Howard said Ronnie must have wanted to get some ''Petcunt'' instead of fixing that petcock thing in the limo.
Ralph was going off on Ronnie a little bit so Ronnie was yelling at him saying he didn't need to hear his shit. Howard said that he's the only one who uses that car so it's like a ''big fuck you to Howard'' when he won't get it fixed. Artie asked Ronnie if the car builder looks at it as a problem. Ronnie said that he does see a problem and the petcock was a solution to the problem. He said they want to give him a whole new car now but he doesn't want their cars.
Doug Goodstein came in and said they found a 1985 Cadillac on eBay.com
for 400 bucks and it had heat so maybe Ronnie could get that. Howard continued to go off on Ronnie about the car and Doug was goofing on Ronnie with the $400 limo thing.
Howard said that any other person wouldn't put up with this shit. He said that no one would hire him if he refused to get something like that fixed. He said he's not going to let Ronnie pick out the limo anymore. He told Ronnie to get a bumper sticker that says ''Sucker On Board'' and stick it on the back of that limo. He said he's really embarrassed by the whole thing. He asked Ronnie if he cares about that stuff or not. Ronnie said he tried everything he could with that car. Howard said he didn't because he still has the car.
Ronnie claimed that no one told him that there was a problem over the weekend. Howard said they've been through it before so he should have fixed it then. He said that he's going to do some research and find a real company to build him a limo. Ronnie said that maybe he should put Howard on the phone with the limo guy so he can talk to him since he can't seem to get it through to the guy. Howard said he doesn't want to do Ronnie's job. He told him to take care of it himself.
Howard said that he gave Ronnie some money toward the new limo because of the other limo disaster they had with the giant truck limo. He said that Ronnie should demand his money back for the car because it's defective. Howard had a caller on the line who said that would be like buying a new plasma TV that only works in black and white and keeping it. Howard said Ronnie should be able to get a loaner car from that company while they get him a new car or fix that car.
The caller Howard had on the phone said that Ronnie would be out if he didn't do his job for anyone else. Ronnie said maybe that's what Howard needs. Howard took another call from a guy who said that he's got a horse and carriage with a blanket that they could send over for free if that's what he needs. Howard said if it's got a blanket, he'll take it. Howard said his rides aren't even that long usually so a carriage ride might work. He said he can't seem to get a break when it comes to that stuff. Another caller said he has a 1993 Ford Taurus that doesn't have heat or air conditioning in it. He said he only paid $400 for it though, not the $75,000 that Ronnie paid for the limo.
The guys were all goofing on Ronnie about that stuff until Howard took a call from a guy who gave Howard a big ''Wah! The heat in my LIMO doesn't work...'' Howard said that in all seriousness, it is a problem when you don't have heat in a car that costs $75,000.
The caller brought up last night's Soprano's show and how great it was. Howard said it really was a great episode and even Robin liked it. The guys talked about some of the scenes in the show that they liked. They tried not to give away too many of the details so they wouldn't spoil it for the people who hadn't seen it yet.
Dominic called in and said he sent over his limo to use on the show and wondered how they liked it. Howard didn't answer, he just asked Dominic if he has heat and air in the back of his limo at all times. Dominic said of course he does. He said he uses Picasso limos and they do a great job with his stuff. He's not sure how much it cost him though.
Howard asked Dominic if he could use his car when he takes Beth out. Dominic said he can't today because Jeff the Drunk is using it with Beth. Howard asked Dominic why he thinks Ronnie won't use that limo company. He said he's really not sure because he begged him to use them. He said that Ronnie could go there and they'd build him a spec limo if he wanted one. He said he's got a bed in his limo and a nice wide door to get in and out through. Howard said he's not looking for a bed, he's just looking for heat.
Howard said this is so embarrassing to him. He said he doesn't get Ronnie because this is his business and he should be able to get this stuff done. Ralph said that if he had a fleet of limos he'd probably have better luck with that. He's know what to get and where to go.
Artie said he can't believe that this guy is in business selling cars to people like that. Robin said she can't believe Ronnie would accept that they have to pull over and turn some petcock to get heat to the back. Howard said he should bust Ronnie's balls and have him pull over to switch the petcock every few minutes. He said Ronnie is really tough with everyone but this limo company. He said they've finally found someone who can take out Ronnie and it's this limo guy.
Howard and the guys kept bringing up the ''petcock'' and emphasized the ''cock'' part. Ralph thought it was great that the part in question was a petcock. He was also talking about how noisy the air conditioning was when it would start up in the limo. It was like a jet engine starting up. He was doing an impression of that making a buzzing noise. Robin said that the guy driving the limo is comfortable because he's got both heat and air. Robin said she'd be watching the weather-fucking-channel every day to let Ronnie know if he should turn the petcock to heat that day.
A phone caller told Howard that he just paid $2,000 for a 1993 car that had both heat and air. Ralph said that even he has heat and air in his car. Artie said they'd probably trying to figure out if they have to switch over that petcock today and hoping it doesn't get too hot out. Robin said that if anyone sees a limo pulled over on the side of the road, it's probably Howard just switching on the heat.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he knows why they have this petcock in there. He said that it was to save money and Ronnie probably pocketed the money he saved. The caller said that they could put in an electronic petcock if they wanted to. Artie said that you'd think that they'd only try that crap once before they'd break down and install the correct thing in the car. He said that everyone has to turn on the heat at some point during the summer, it does get cool some mornings.
Howard said he's not sure what to do about this. Ralph said that everyone is making fun of it but it's a serious problem. Howard said he likes Ronnie and hates bringing this up on the air but this made his head explode. Dominic called back in and told Howard that his limo guy told him that they usually have an electronic petcock in the vehicle if it was made to accept it initially. He was saying that they could install something that Ronnie could control with his foot. He could barely get the joke out because he was laughing so hard.
Another caller told Howard that Ronnie never should have taken that car with something that doesn't work like that. Another caller said that Howard really needs to fired Ronnie after this. He's being the same as Ronnie by sticking with a guy who doesn't do the right thing. Howard said that he accepted the heat problem before but he's usually by himself in the car. When he has guests in there, that's when he gets upset. He said his fiancé was all dressed up the other night and then he tried to get the heat on and it didn't work so he was very embarrassed. He felt like he wasn't a provider when that happened.
Howard took some more phone calls about the limo thing and another guy gave him some more ''Wah's'' about his limo not working. He suggested that he kick Ronnie out the door but Howard wasn't going to do that. Howard and Ralph talked about how upset Ronnie was about the whole thing and how moody he's going to be after going through this. Ralph said that Ronnie has had two shots at getting the right car for Howard and neither one has worked out.
Gary told Howard that they have an audio clip of Ronnie coming out of the studio and going off on Richard even though he said nothing to him. Ronnie told him not to start with him and told him to stay the fuck away from him. Howard played that and got a laugh out of it. He took another call from a guy who said that he should just wear a sweater in his limo. That might fix the whole problem. Another guy said that the if he had a good limo driver, he'd switch that petcock in the morning and then switch it again in the evening. Howard said that they shouldn't even have the petcock. He said maybe they could put it in the back so he can control it himself.
Another caller said that he has 3 petcocks that he has to switch in his old truck and Ronnie could get that petcock moved inside the car and make it much simpler to switch over. Howard said the limo guy must have really ripped Ronnie off and just stuck it under the hood. He said that Dominic doesn't have a petcock that he has to switch but Robin said he does, he just doesn't have to worry about it.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that Ronnie had just attacked Greg on the camera out there. He said he's on fire and apparently hurt by all of this stuff. Ronnie said that they never know when to quit out there. He said he doesn't want the camera light in his face all the time. He doesn't need to be followed around like he was out there. Howard told him if he's going to work there, he has to put up with that stuff. He said that he should use all of this aggression with the limo guy instead of Greg the camera guy. Doug said that Greg was just doing his job out there.
Howard asked Ronnie if he heard all of the people calling in and telling him what was wrong with the petcock thing. Ronnie said that one problem is that the company doesn't build cars anymore and he doesn't have a place to bring it to anymore. He said they moved out of state and aren't building cars there in New York now.
Doug told Howard that they had Ronnie throwing a left hook at Greg on video. They quickly showed that and Doug said he was afraid to leave after that. A caller suggested that Howard sit in the front with the driver when it's cold out. He could have Beth sit on his lap or something and squeeze in with Ronnie in the front seat. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said he looked up ''petcock'' on the web during the break and read the definition of it before moving on to Mary Jo Buttafuoco. She hadn't been on the show in about 10 years. Howard said she hasn't been on the show since the invention of satellite radio. He asked her how she was doing and then got right into the story about Joey and Amy Fisher making out. Their picture was in the paper over the weekend. Mary Jo said she had come to the city on business and found out about the picture when she went on Good Morning America. She said that the shooting had it's 15th anniversary on Saturday. The show she was going to do was supposed to be all about her, not about Joey and Amy.
Howard said that Mary Jo hooked up with this guy Stu who she's been with for a while now. She said that he's a graphic designer and artist and makes up posters for family events and things like that. She said she's been trying to lead a regular life with this fiancé of hers. She said they've been engaged for 3 years now and she's in no rush to get married. She said it's not that important to her anymore. She said that she dropped Buttafuoco name and went to Connery after divorcing Joey. She said that the company that she and her fiancé are running is called OriginalPartyPosters.com.
Mary Jo said that she's not sure why but Joey is having financial problems and that might be why he's doing this Amy Fisher thing. She thinks that he just blew through all of his money somehow.
Mary Jo was looking really good according to Howard. He said that her face wasn't drooping on one side anymore. She said that was thanks to a plastic surgeon to helped her out. Howard and Robin talked to her about that stuff and Howard even asked her if she's got heat and air conditioning in her car. He was just joking around after that other conversation.
Mary Jo said that a month ago she got a call from David Krieff about the Amy Fisher thing. He asked her if she wanted to recreate the crime for a special. She said that after she got up off the floor and figured she would do it for a million bucks. She said that then she saw that Amy and Joey were being traipsed all over the place. She never heard back from David. Howard asked her what's going on with the kids now that all of this stuff has gone down. She said that they are doing fine but Joey doesn't stay in constant contact with them. She said that Joey called their son and left a rambling message for him. He said he was going to have to do some things and he'd be in contact with them when he could.
Mary Jo said that Amy looked very happy in the pictures with Joey where they're kissing but then today in the paper there's a picture of Joey with his wife. She said that it has to be for publicity. Howard asked when it's enough and just get away from it all. Mary Jo said she had to do that about 7 years ago. She said her daughter hasn't spoken to him since before Christmas. She's still a virgin at 24 because she has men issues thanks to her father. She's never had a serious relationship but Mary Jo said that they've spoken about it and she's hoping that she'll open up and see that she has to move on.
Howard said he heard that Stu was there so he wanted to meet him. Stu came in and Mary Jo said that he's wonderful. He said that he used to be Joey's biggest advocate when he first met him but not anymore. He said it tears him apart when he sees what he's doing to these kids.
Mary Jo thanked Artie, and the other guys, for standing up for her kids when Joey and David were on the phone talking about this Amy Fisher stuff. She said she really appreciated that they did that for her and her kids.
Howard gave Mary Jo and Stu a plug for their web site OriginalPartyPosters.com and talked to them a little more about their life together. Stu made sure that Howard said that he was Mary Jo's fiancé. They also talked about the poster business and how that all works.
Mary Jo said that they flew in on Wednesday night and on Thursday morning she had reporters shoving all of that Joey and Amy crap in her face. Howard asked Mary Jo if Joey ruined her life. She thought about it and said that he changed it for sure. She wouldn't say that he ruined it. She said she's angry at him for what he's doing to the kids. She said that Joey could sell ice to the Eskimos and he's able to bullshit people so well. She said he reminds her of the guys on that show with Chris Hanson who say they're not going to have sex with an underage kid, she can imagine him talking about how he was just going to go there to go out and have ice cream and stuff like that.
Mary Jo said she bought into all of Joey's stuff over the years. She said that it took her years go get through things after getting shot in the face. She was addicted to the pain killers she was taking and it was rough. She felt she couldn't just leave Joey during all of that. Howard asked Stu if he was dating any underage girls. Stu said he's not doing that at all. He said he's just a decent guy who works from day to day.
Artie asked Mary Jo if he could talk about who they were hanging out with on Friday night. Mary Jo said that he could talk about it and it turns out that it was Joey's brother they were hanging out with. Mary Jo said Joey's whole family is mad at him for what he's been doing. He will continue to do whatever he wants to do though so they can't even talk to him about it. He doesn't stay in contact with them, the same way he won't stay in contact with his own kids.
Mary Jo said that this woman Amy Fisher was trying to murder her when she shot her and now Joey is out on a date with her and kissing her. Howard wondered why Joey is doing all of this stuff and what kind of stuff they're talking about when they go out to dinner. Mary Jo said they probably talk about their jail experiences. Howard said he's very shocked by all of this stuff. Stu wondered what will be next. Mary Jo said that it'll probably be a porn movie with her. She said she's bracing herself for that now.
Mary Jo wondered why David Krieff is doing all of this stuff with Amy Fisher. The guys said that they thought Amy was trying to change her life by changing her name and going into hiding with her family and kids. Now she's out in public being Amy Fisher again. Mary Jo said that she was having a great life and moving past all of that stuff until all of this came out.
Dominic Barbara called in and reminded everyone that Mary Jo is responsible for getting Amy out of jail because she had forgiven her and told the judge that. Mary Jo and Dominic said that they never would have thought that something like this would have happened after all of that.
Howard let Dominic go and then mentioned that he threw a surprise anniversary party for his parents on Thursday night. He said they've been married for 60 years. He said they had posters there for the party and he didn't know how to get that done but now he knows that Stu and Mary Jo are doing them. He gave them a plug for their web site again and spent a little more time talking to Mary Jo about how forgiving she seems to be. She said she has to be that way to get past everything that went on. Howard then wrapped up and went to break.
Howard said he loves guys arguing on the radio. Artie talked about that Ozzy guy and how he brought the White Sox to the World Series in 2005 even though he has an accent where you can barely understand what he's saying.
Howard said he was watching 60 Minutes last night and he was blown away by this $100 computer that was created for kids to use and they said the battery can last 10-20 hours while his computer barely lasts a couple of hours. He said that his computer cost him like five grand. He wondered how that can be. Artie said it looked like a toy when he saw it on that show.
Howard played the interview where Jack seems to know about him. Garver asked Jack if he was satisfied with his career. Jack said that he would like to be known for his smile and then Garver said he was getting nervous asking those questions. He asked Jack about Paris Hilton getting so much notoriety. Jack was breathing heavy and talking strangely so Howard said that it was all pretty bizarre. Garver asked Jack to describe Howard Stern in one word and he described his hair and how he seems to be a little nervous. That was about it for the questioning. Garver didn't get much more than 3 word answers out of the guy, but he did answer all of the questions.
Howard also had a clip of Hillary Clinton giving a commencement speech at a college over the weekend. She lost her voice and sounded very similar to her husband as she was speaking. She was coughing and trying to clear her throat while giving the speech. Howard said that she was basically giving a campaign speech and that didn't seem right for a college commencement speech.
Howard said he was inspired to do a speech after Oprah did a speech. He said he'd have to play that tape if he was ever asked to do a commencement speech. Robin told a story about Matthew Fox being invited to a college to do a speech but one of the students didn't even know who he was so a whole protest broke out over it.
Robin said she freezes up in front of the camera when people ask her to talk at weddings and things like that. Howard said that when he gets up and makes a speech he feels like he's being pushed into it. He said he doesn't like making speeches like that.
Artie thinks that Howard would be great at roasting him when they finally do a roast for him. Howard said he's never written jokes like that though so he won't be good at it. Robin said that Howard has done some funny things like the party they had for their agent Don Buchwald. He got up and told a funny story about him and goofed on him a little bit.
Howard said his mother once told him that he didn't make a good speech at his niece's Bat Mitzvah and his mother told him it wasn't all that good. He said that she should have had her parents make the speech instead then. Robin said that the worst is making speeches at a funeral. Howard said he's freaked out by that and he's actually rehearsed his speeches for his parent's before. He said he thinks he's going to fall flat when he has to get up there and do it at their funerals.
Howard said he knows everyone will expect him to be this great orator but he can only do it on the radio. He can't do public speaking, he can only do that stuff on radio. Artie told Howard it's not about him so he shouldn't worry about it. Howard said he can't grasp that concept of it not being about him.
Gary said he's done it twice for people in his family. He said that he actually screwed up and blew it with the speech at his brother's funeral. He said that he and his brother decided that he wasn't going to do it until the last second when his brother told him he had to do it. Gary said that he got the pity talk after making the speech because he knew he had blown it.
Bill got in a plug for his web site HamHandsBill.com and talked about that for a few seconds. Howard said that Bill wrote this bit back in 1996 and won a jet ski in the contest they had going on at the time. Bill said he remembers everyone's scores in the contest and how Fred and Jackie both gave him 10s and Howard giving him a 9 and Robin giving him an 8. Howard told him the reason he won is because he was direct and got right down to it. Robin said that he didn't do anything right in the parody, that's why it came out so well.
Howard said that the funny thing was when he said the phrase ''ham hands'' but it came out as 'am 'ands. Bill is able to say it now but he said that when he's doing the voice of Robin's father, it comes out like that. He talked to Bill about that stuff and how great he did with the bit. He then asked Bill if he's got any kids. Bill said he has a daughter but the girl doesn't know who her father is. He said he found out about 2 years after the kid was born. Bill said the woman he was with was with some other guy when she was pregnant so the kid grew up knowing him as Uncle Bill. He said he hopes she knows some day. She's 19 or 20 years old now and she had a baby so now he's a grandfather. Howard told her to tell her who he is in a song parody. He said that when the other guy died, she stopped taking his money and took the other guy's money. He still sends his daughter gifts.
Howard checked out Bill's web site and then asked him to perform his song parody. Robin asked him if everything works on him other than his left side. He said he can still get it up. He spent a minute on that and then performed his song parody. He starts out just talking as if he's Robin's dad. He talks about molesting her and when she started doing that Artie started laughing his ass off.
Bill left out some of the content so he added it in after he finished. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy suggested that they give him a radio show to do at 7 o'clock in the evening. Everyone loves his voice. Howard said it would be great if he just broke into that song every few minutes if he was bombing. Howard said it would have been a slam dunk if Robin had sat on his lap during the bit. Bill showed him some of the stuff his chair could do and said they can cost upwards of $5,000. He said there are some that cost $20,000 because they can actually stand you up. There's another one that can actually climb stairs.
Howard took a call from Irish John who said this guy is a genius and wondered if he's done any other bits. Bill said he did one thing for them but he never sent it in. He figured that they wouldn't have listened to it at the time so he just didn't bother. Howard said they would have listened to anything he sent in.
Howard wanted to give Bill some money so he gave him a game to play. He said the money is courtesy of the DVD release of Porky's. He had Gary bring in the laugh game to play. He played the first one and the guys tried guessing who it was. Artie thought it was Sal. Bill said it sounded like the ex mob guy Henry Hill. Gary said it was actually Imus. No one got it.
Howard wanted to switch games because he didn't like the laugh game. He had The Beetlejuice game instead. Gary had to run out and get that from his office. Howard told him that he had to get 3 of 6 right to win the $500. He played the first question where they asked Beetlejuice ''What country do Chinese people come from?'' They gave Bill 3 choices for what his answer would actually be. Bill guessed it would be new Jersey. The correct answer was actually ''Chinatown'' with some curses thrown in there by Beetlejuice.
Howard played the next question ''Poultry comes from what kind of animal?'' His choices were chicken, pig or dog. Bill guessed that it was dog but he didn't even know what the correct answer was himself. Beet's answer was actually ''It's a fuckin pig!''
Howard played the next one which was ''What ethnic race is Howard Stern?'' Howard said the answers could be Italian, Jewish or ''he's on the radio.'' Howard first said that Sal is an idiot for asking that question ''ethnic race.'' Beet's answer was ''He's a fuckin Jewish motherfucker, what else?'' so Bill got it right after guessing right. Howard played the next question which was ''How many quarters equal one dollar?'' His choices were 4 dollars, 50 quarters or 4 quarters. Bill went with 50 quarters and got it right. The next one was ''How many inches equal a foot?'' The choices were 10 inches, 12 inches or ''your foot.'' Bill guessed that it was ''your foot'' but it was actually ''10 inches.'' The next question was ''What Disney character has the same name as a planet?'' His choices were Earth, Pluto or ''There ain't no planet in Disney.'' Bill went with there ain't not planet but it was actually ''Earth.'' Bill had lost the game but Howard gave him the $500 anyway. He wrapped up with Bill after that and went to break.
Howard tried to take a phone call but had some trouble getting the callers on the line. He got sidetracked when he brought up the food that Artie was eating. He asked people not to bring food in for Artie because someone had brought in a bag of potato chips for him. Artie said he just wanted him to sign the bag, he didn't eat them.
Howard said he came up with an idea for the show. He said that High Pitch Eric is getting thrown out of his apartment so he was thinking about coming up with a human zoo where they'd have people like Eric walking around naked for people. That led to Artie talking about how he gets nauseous just thinking about Eric. He said that he's so gross that he gets sick just thinking about him for more than 5 seconds. Howard asked him what would happen if they stuck a picture of him on his refrigerator. Artie said he probably wouldn't go to it.
Hansy called in and said that he liked the roast but thought that they were roasting Robin too much. Howard said that the roast happened to be good and some people may have gone too long and maybe they had too many comedians. He hasn't seen it on Howard TV yet himself. He let Hanzi go a short time later.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was sending out a song to Ronnie the Limo Driver for what went on earlier. He then played a Cars song for him with new lyrics about Ronnie. Howard hung up on him in the middle of the song saying that not all of them can be gems.
Howard thanked an author by the name of Mari Sangiovanni because she mentions the show in the book ''Greetings from Jamaica, Wish You Were Queer.'' He quickly mentioned that and then said that they got a press release from a porn company who says that they have an 18 year old who will lose her virginity on film. Her name is Katee Holmes and she's really hot according to Howard. He read the press release and
Howard asked Galadrial if she's freaking out about this Sybian ride thing. She said not really. She said she's been naked in front of guys before and she's orgied with guys too. She said that her parents know what they're doing and her mother is kind of into it. Her father just turned his head when he heard about it. Galadrial said that a bunch of people tried to talk her out of doing this but it was her decision and she's going to do it.
Howard said that Galadrial was going to take her clothes off and ride the Sybian. Howard asked Faust why his wife didn't come in to do it. He said that she's 9 months pregnant. Enough said. Howard said that he can't believe this is going on and wanted to yell at Faust about this. He said that he'd give him a plug and he really doesn't have to make his sister ride the Sybian. Faust said that he really needs money and he has to get in a plug so he asked his sister to help. Artie told him that they're not going to let her get naked... until he leaves the room. Howard said that this is his 18 year old sister who is still in high school! He said that he shouldn't be pimping this poor girl out.
Faust got in a plug for his web site, FMHerbalStore.com, and then Howard talked to Galadrial about when she first started having sex. She said it was just last year! She said that she had done a couple of things with guys before that but not all that much. She said that she wants to be an art teacher but Howard told her that she's probably going to be a stripper.
Galadrial said that she's been with 3 guys so far and she's still with one of them. The first time she did it she was really drunk and they just decided to do it. There were other people in the room with them at the time. She said that everyone probably knew what they were doing that night. Howard asked if the guy got to do it anymore after that. She said it was just the one time and it was painful. She told Howard about how she's orgied with people in her room at her parent's house.
Howard wanted to know more about the orgy. She thought that orgy meant getting off, she had no idea that it was like a gang bang. She said she hadn't really been naked in front of a lot of guys before. Faust said that made him feel better. Ralph called in and asked Howard to get her topless at least. He had her stand up and told her that she's hot but didn't ask her to get naked. Howard said he wasn't going to go there with this chick. He wanted to get her into a bikini, but that was as far as he was going to go. Howard said that she's in high school and he just can't do it.
Howard asked Galadrial to get into her bikini and kept talking about how hot she was. Galadrial said that she's been tanning a lot lately and that's why her skin is so dark. Howard told her she looked really good with the dark skin. He said she'll probably be cancerous in 5 years after tanning so much. Howard asked the guys in the studio if they wanted to see her naked. Fred gave him a no because she's too innocent. Benjy asked her if she wanted to get naked. She asked how much money they were going to give her. Benjy was giving her a yes to get naked. Artie went with him and said yes as well. Robin said that they have had other 18 year olds in there trying to get into Playboy so if she wants to do it, let her. Howard said that was a surprise. She said that if they want to do it, they should be allowed, but she doesn't think that they should be doing it for someone.
Jason came in and asked Howard if she could come back in a month and get naked after she graduates. Howard said he can't go there with this chick. Someone brought up Jillian Grace and how she had just graduated months before she came in and got naked for them. Will came in and told Howard to just get her naked. Gary said he agrees with Howard, she's still in high school, he doesn't think that she should be naked.
Galadrial said that she didn't really want to get naked, but she would get topless. Gary said that they've never had a girl in high school who wanted to get topless, so that was kind of freaking him out. Howard took some phone calls and one guy said that they should let her get in a thong and get in the Robospanker or something, not the Sybian. Howard said that he just can't do it. Isaac Mark from Howard TV said that he thought it was a little creepy and she should wait until after she graduates. Artie told her to just get naked. Fred said they have to wait until after she graduates.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that Howard must be getting old, if he was 20 years younger, she'd be naked already. Howard said the answer was that she's not getting topless. He's got a problem with a high school senior getting naked. Gary said some of the guys were saying she's old enough to vote and fight in Iraq, so she's old enough to get topless. Howard said he was going to bail on this and just say ''no'' to this. Gary asked if they can book her for a visit a month from now. Howard said yes to that.
Angry Black called in and said that this is the first time he's ever wanted to see an 18 year old naked. Howard said he can't do it, he's got to draw the line somewhere. He wanted to know where Tom Chiusano was when he needed him. He called Ronnie in instead. Ronnie said she just turned 18 three weeks ago. He said that she should be topless though. He said that her brother was stupid enough to bring her there, so why not.
Howard told Faust he's got to think before doing stuff like this. No matter how bad things get, he can't bring his little sister in to ride the Sybian. He gave Faust another plug for his web site and talked to him about the herbal stuff he's selling.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said that she's 18 and she should be on the Sybian. Artie said ''Thanks... RETARD'' but that didn't seem to phase Eric. Ralph told Howard to just let her get topless. Howard said he wanted to take the high road for once. Howard did check out her boobs in the bikini and asked her if they were shaped perfectly. She said they weren't but did say that the areolas are pretty big. She said that they're kind of dark from tanning too. She's fully shaved too. That led to the guys talking to her about cleaning her pussy but still not letting her get topless.
Howard wrapped up with Faust and Galadrial. He was going to let them go but Will asked to see some ass... Faust's ass. He was just kidding of course. Howard said that Galadrial barely knows how to use that equipment she's got. He asked her what positions she likes to do with her boyfriends. She said she likes it from behind but not in the butt. Then Howard asked her if she'd do a 53 year old. She said that he could be her grandpa. The whole studio let out an ''OHHHHH!'' when they heard that. Howard said he was having some kind of pang of conscience today and he just couldn't let her get topless. Will told her that if she was a party girl, she'd just rip her top off without being asked. Howard gave Faust another plug for his web site and went to break after that.
Another caller said that the show just jumped the shark today. He said that this whole thing came about because this guy wrote a letter asking if he could control the Sybian if his sister was riding it. Howard said he wanted to see if the guy would go through with it. Obviously the guy would have if they had let it happen. Fred said the guy to ask about this is Artie. He's got a sister. Artie said he never would have written that letter though so he's not the same guy.
Artie said that this girl was 18 and if she wanted to get topless, they should have let her do it. Howard said he just wanted to yell at the guy, that's the reason he had him in.
Howard took a call from a guy who did his Jon Hein impression and goofed on him about the whole Galadrial thing. Howard took a few more calls from guys. Some of them were going off on him for not letting her get naked. At least one guy agreed with him about not letting it happen.
Jon Hein came in and gave a rundown of what they had coming up today on The Wrap Up Show. He said they'll talk about Mary Jo Buttafuoco's visit, Ham Hands Bill and a few other things today on that show. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Howard said that he thought that this new Amazon Unbox thing was going to be quick but the movie he tried to get took more than 4 hours to download. He said they say something about 15 minutes when you rent it but it took more than 4 hours. He ended up using his On Demand thing instead. He rented the same movie and it was right there but the movie sucked. He also said he rented this M. Night Shymalan movie ''Lady in the Water'' and that was awful too. He said he likes that guy but the movie was awful.
Artie said that his movie screened at Cannes. He said he didn't even know that was going on but a fan told him about it. He thought that was kind of cool but no one even told him it was going on.
Howard mentioned a story in the paper about a house he's renting out in the Hamptons this summer and they got it all wrong. They claimed he was renting it for a million bucks but that's just not true. He said it was a lot less than that.
Artie mentioned that he listened to some of Jackie's Joke Hunt (Tuesday's at 7 on Howard 101) this weekend and he thought it was really funny. He said he laughed out loud at some of the jokes. That led to Howard playing some clips from the show. Then Artie suggested that Jackie to a show where he does all jokes where he only does accents or impressions for every joke. Howard played more clips from Jackie's show and said he seems to be shot out of a cannon. He just goes on and on telling jokes and singing and telling more jokes non stop.
Robin got into her news and read through a couple of stories but then Howard was told they had Miss Howard TV for June there. He had her come in quickly to talk to her. Amber Lee was her name and she said she does some modeling. She claimed she had real DD-cup breasts but Howard found that hard to believe. She weighs 110 pounds and has DD breasts. Howard asked if they could see her in her bra. She refused so Artie said that this girl is perfect. He said she's Italian and German just like he is.
The guys brought down the bikini rack for her so they could get her into a bikini. She brought some lingerie with her so they didn't even need the bikini. Gary said that she had a 34-C lingerie thing so she claimed it was a test outfit she was given.
Double A called in and told Howard he drove this chick home one day and he's still trying to work on her so he told Artie to stay away from her. She said that she would hang out with Artie but she wouldn't date him. Howard showed her an old picture of Artie when he was thinner. She thought he was cute. Isaac came in to tell Howard exactly what Miss Howard TV is and told him about how she shows what they have coming up that month. He said they're looking for more women so you can e-mail them at misshtv@indemand.com if you're interested.
Howard had Robin get back to her news while they waited for Amber to come back in to show off her lingerie. She came back in a short time later and Howard said she had an amazing body. Gary said she smelled really good too. He said that she was wearing the smaller top because it makes her boobs stick out even more. Howard had her come over to smell her and then sent her to Artie to take a whiff. Artie then threw out a $50,000 offer to have sex with him. She said she wouldn't do it. He quickly shot up to $100,000 but she turned it down.
Howard asked her if there was any chance that he could get a date with her if he broke up with Beth. She made it sound like it could happen if he was broken up. She said she tends to want things she can't have so that's why she'd want Howard. She said that he looked like he was 40, not knowing that he's 53. She said that 50 isn't that old to her.
Howard told Artie he's got to lose some weight. He said it wouldn't matter. The guys then asked her if she's dated any famous guys. She said she has and it was a basketball player. She didn't want to say who it was though. Artie said that if she's dating NBA guys, there's no way she'd go out with him. He tried to find out who she dated but she wasn't going to say. He then threw out an offer for $125,000 for her to sleep with him. Artie said she wouldn't even have to kiss him, she'd just have to let him fuck her. He said he'd even buy her lunch. Howard asked her if she would accept that offer. She said no so Artie figured that she thought it was a fake offer, but he was serious. He then threw out $200,000. He was going nuts for her and said he doesn't know how any man could be gay when there are women like that.
Amber said that she's trying to be an actress and she has done some small parts. Artie said she could be in ''Beer League 2.'' Howard read that she does some different dialects so he asked her to do some for them. She said she couldn't do them on the spot like that. She was also talking about how she does some modeling for Ujena bathing suits. Artie was still throwing out offers for her but she wasn't taking him up on them.
Amber said there's one guy there in New York that she wants but she can't have him because he's dating someone. She said that she really liked him and she can't have him. Artie wanted to know what the guy does but Amber just said ''I don't know...'' Artie said that she was clouding his head and it was kind of annoying. Howard let her go and checked out her ass as she was leaving. Jason said he had to take a picture of her before she left though. Howard told him to get some pictures of her up on the web site ASAP. He had Robin wrap up her news because it was getting so late.
Artie said he wasn't going to be able to joke about the news after that hot chick was in there. He said he won't be able to think straight until after he jerks off to her. He said he knew that would sound creepy but he had to say it. Robin got back to her news and wrapped up a short time later. They ended the show around 11:20am.
Howard started off the show saying he was a little tired and cranky today. He said Beth had to go out to a charity event and he beat off right after Dancing with the Stars. He said he was thinking about girls when he did it since Robin had asked if it was men or women he was beating off to. Howard joked that he and Robin write all of that stuff before hand. He said the show really isn't gay because there's a really hot chick on the show that he beat off to. Fred said he didn't see it because he was watching the Yankee game. Howard said he thought he heard Fred say that he knew he was talking about. That wasn't the case though.
Howard said it took him 3 seconds to beat off last night. He was actually thinking about a chick he banged one time. Artie said that he tried to beat off to Miss Howard TV who was on the show yesterday but she was too hot for him, even in his dreams. He said she actually turned him down in his dream.
Howard said there was a funny story that Gary told him about Miss Howard TV yesterday. They had her there shooting her until after 3 o'clock getting her in ever position they could. Gary said he was watching on his monitor and at one point she was sprawled across the couch. He said they would focus in on her tits and pull out real quick and stuff like that. He said if you have a hot chick you can do just about anything you want with them. He said he knows that the guys kept her there just to look at her and they probably went home to whack off after that.
Howard said Artie was offering that chick over $100,000 to find out if she would fuck him. She turned him down though. Howard thinks that there are some women who would take him up on that offer but they're probably not on the air. Howard said one of the guys came up with an idea for a bit. They have Artie put up $100,000 and they ask women to come in and he gets to pick out a woman from a group of people. Howard said that they could say that it was to be his escort instead of just to fuck him. He said he'd probably give Artie a hand job for that kind of money.
Artie said that yesterday he was thinking about all of this stuff. He said that his deal with FOX is coming to an end and they owe him a few more payments for his development deal. He said there was a part he could have gotten but the job was given to a black guy. He said that there aren't many sitcoms being picked up these days. He said he got home yesterday and got a payment for $50,000 from FOX. He said he's going to start offering these chicks real money, he's not fooling around when he offers these chicks that kind of money. He really has it.
Howard said that they should do this seriously and not offer so much, just a mere 10,000 should do the trick. Artie said he's doing okay, he got laid over the weekend. He gets hypnotized when he sees these chicks that come in there though.
Howard asked the Howard TV guys to show some video of Miss Howard TV (Amber Lee) since they spent so much time with her yesterday. They showed a few seconds of her so Robin asked if that was it. The clip lasted about 15 seconds. Howard said that Artie should work up from something lower than $50,000 when he throws it out to these chicks. He told him to start out at $10,000. Artie said he's only done it about 4 times so far. He said he heard about a hot chick contest they're thinking about doing and Howard isn't going to be part of it. They're going to go out and just try to pick up the hottest chick out there. Howard said they're getting off track because no one knows what they're talking about. Howard took a call from a guy who said he'd fuck Artie for that kind of money. He said he'd do all kinds of things to Artie for that kind of money. Artie wasn't interested of course.
Howard said he couldn't believe the end of The Bachelor because the guy picked a chick who wasn't that hot and had a bad body. He said he figured that the other chick had been married and the guy was really religious so he must have freaked out about that. He said the hot chick looked kind of like Fred's wife and she was hot. He said he watched that 2 hour finale and didn't get to bed until about 3 in the morning.
Howard said they have a new TV show on ABC called ''Imposters'' and that looks kind of interesting. One of the guys does an impression of him from what he saw. He's not quite sure of that though.
Artie understood Mike's logic so he tried to explain it to Howard and Robin. Howard still didn't understand it. He had Mike explain how he got the tickets and what happened. Mike said he got the tickets, headed home and sat down to relax. Then he started to scratch off the tickets. He won $40 on the first ticket he scratched off. Then he scratched off the next ticket and realized he had won a million dollars. He said he called a few people that he had won but didn't go down to collect.
Howard said that what pisses him off is that he gets $50,000 a year for 20 years which isn't quite enough to quit his job. Howard said they don't give it out in one lump sum. Howard said he should have the full million. He asked Mike if he's happy that he didn't get it all in one lump. Mike said he is very happy doing the things he does and still working. He said he bought more tickets after that and won another $50.
Robin said there was another story similar to that and this waitress was trying to encourage her customer to buy the last ticket on this roll of tickets they were selling. She found $10 at the restaurant and bought the ticket herself, and actually won the million when she bought that last ticket.
Artie thinks that this guy has a Gambler inside of him and he could easily start spending more money on those lottery tickets. Howard told him that the odds of it happening again are almost zero so he should stop gambling. He said that he should say that he's not greedy and he should put that $100 a week he's spending on lottery tickets could be put away and invested. He told him not to go too crazy with that stuff. Artie told him what to do with the $30 grand he's clearing every year. He looked at the sports page and gave him some gambling advice. He said that the Braves are going to beat the Mets tonight, and that's a fact. He said he could put 30 grand on that game and double it no problem.
Howard congratulated Mike on his win and said that there must be some people that work with him who are jealous. Mike said that there is one guy there who hasn't congratulated him. He said that the one guy knows about the win, but he won't congratulate him. He said no one has asked him for money yet but most people know what kind of guy he is.
Artie gave Mike another sports fact. He said that the Blue Jays are going to win tonight and that's a ''fact'' according to Artie. He said that's what he should be spending all of that money on. Artie gave him another one for the Brewers vs. Dodgers game and told him that the Brewers were going to win. He said that it's a fact that they're going to win. That's all he needed.
Howard thought Mike worked for SIRIUS but it turns out he works for Icon which is in the same building. He said he works a few levels below ground so he has to go up just to get some air or to see if it's raining. King of All Blacks called in and told Howard that this guy could take his winnings to a lawyer and they could give him the full payout in one lump sum. They give him much less than it's worth if he does that though. Howard said that the long term payout is the best way to do it. He thanked King for his philosophy on all of that and let him go.
Robin said that there are a bunch of different games out there now and people buy all kinds of tickets. Howard said it's the end of our society because the people playing these games are people who really can't afford to buy those tickets. He said these people are taking money they should be using for food and spending it on that nonsense. He said it is a horror what people are doing with these lotteries. Robin said that some people scratch off their tickets right there in the store parking lot. At least Mike goes home, relaxes, and then scratches his off. Howard let Mike go and told him he'd give him an autographed photo.
Eric said that he believes that they will be able to get the refund on the flights and hotel rooms. Howard said that this has now affected one of his friends. He said it's one thing when he screws with them on this show, but when he screws with his friends, that's a different story. He asked Eric what he's supposed to think here.
Eric said that if they wanted to pay his roommate's severance pay, he'd be able to go. Eric said that up until Friday he was on disability. Then he got off of it and started work on Saturday so he didn't know that he wasn't going to be able to make it until after all of the other info was given to him. Eric said that there is not anyone else who could help him get there.
Robin asked Eric if his roommate knew ahead of time that he was going to the Idol final and he needed the time. Eric said yes but Howard cut him off. Gary came in and said that they're giving something to Eric that he's asked for for the past 5 years and he can't find anyone else to bring him? He said that so many other people do the show and find their way to get there no matter what. Fred said that Johnny Fratto could probably help him find someone. Howard said he's done with this. He was trying to help Eric out with this girl he likes but now he's going to drop that too.
Howard said he'd not sure why Eric even listens to the show. Eric said that they have a guest on the show once in a while that he wants to hear them interview. The guys thought that was a lame answer and goofed on him about that. A woman called in and said that she's not sure why he listens to the show either. Eric told her to go back to her corner and find a John bitch. Artie said he sounds like a 70's cop show when he says that. That led to Fred doing his impression of Eric and goofing on him for a few seconds.
Howard said he'd speak to Eric some other time but Robin told him to stop calling and stop listening to the show. Howard said that they were trying to line up this Brandy Talore chick for Eric but now he's not going to do it. He played some audio from her web site where she's getting screwed. He said he was going to line her up for Eric but Robin told him to just drop it.
Artie told Eric to just go hump his bed and take his PJ pants and shove them up his ass. He told him to stop listening to the show. Gary said that he was going to look into cancelling Eric's account because he thought they had given it to him for free. Eric said that wasn't the case, he pays for it himself.
Eric said that he heard that Howard read an email about someone who wanted to offer him a job but he didn't hear about that. He was kind of upset about them not telling him about that. He also said that Johnny Fratto said that they stole a bit from him too. He said that it was the petcock thing they were doing yesterday. He thought they stole that whole bit from him. Howard said the part is in Ronnie's car, that's a ridiculous argument.
Ralph called in and said he'd fly out to take Eric to the Idol finale. The guys thought that he just wanted a free flight out to California. Ralph said that was the case. He also laughed about the petcock bit they were talking about. Ralph asked Eric how he could fuck this up, this was his dream. He told him that he'd probably be in the front row if he went because he's in a wheelchair. Ralph said he wouldn't be able to help Eric wipe his ass and stuff if he took Eric. Eric said that he wipes his own ass and called Howard a ''Big Nosed Jackass.''
Howard and the guys were asking Eric about how much help he needs to get on the toilet and things like that. Eric said he doesn't always need help getting on, he can sometimes just stand there and go himself. Howard told him that maybe he could pole vault on. Ralph said he could help hold him up to the toilet and stuff. As long as he doesn't have to wipe him, he'd be fine. Artie thought they should just stick a diaper on him and let him go in that. That led to Artie talking about how he should do that himself and go to a Jets game dressed in a diaper sometime and just shit in it.
Artie told Eric that he's like a little Midget Hitler the way he acts on this show. Ralph called him Eric the Asshole during that discussion. Ralph thinks that it's just that he doesn't want to do the balloon thing. He asked Eric how he can't find anyone out there willing to take him to this Idol thing. Robin aids he's got all of those Myspace friends and he can't find anyone? Bobo called in and said that they always count on this guy to do something and he never comes through with it. He said that they offered him the date with Tabitha and he turned that down.
Gary came in and asked if they were going to cancel this Brandy Taylor (Correct my spelling Eric, please) chick. Howard said they were going to hook her up with Eric but now he's probably blown it. Robin told Howard that she wishes that they'd stop taking his call. Gary asked if it's legal to cut off his subscription. Howard said he's pretty sure they can't do that. Bobo suggested that they just send someone to his apartment to cut his wires.
Another caller said that he'd pay just to get into the studio and this guy gets offered all of this free stuff and doesn't follow up on it. Howard said he told Jimmy Kimmel that he knew that Eric would never come through and go to that Idol event. Howard said that this Brandy chick was going to shoot a scene with Eric if they had set him up with her.
Artie told Eric that he's so annoying that they want him to give up his subscription even though SIRIUS stock is under three dollars. Howard took some more phone calls and let the fans talk about how annoyed they were with him. One guy said he wanted to choke him to death. Eric said he didn't give a shit about that. The guy was so frustrated with Eric that he said he can't stand the sound of his voice anymore. Another guy said Eric is the most ungrateful person on the show and he doesn't know why they put up with him.
Howard said he has a hard time hating Eric so he asked Eric why that is. Eric said ''I don't know...'' Howard said that maybe he identifies with him. He told Eric that the Jimmy Kimmel thing is off and no American Idol finale. Howard said that one guy said that he likes Eric because he's honest to a fault and never kisses his ass. That could be the case. Robin said that he's also miserable. Howard said he can identify with that as well.
Howard was going to let him go but said he has to hear him talk to that Brandy chick. Gary said that would be great and they should go through with that. Robin said she's offended by his voice and doesn't want to hear it. Artie threw in a dig at his favorite baseball team, the As, and said that tomorrow morning they should be under .500. Howard gave Eric a ''bye for now'' but Eric wouldn't even say that, which was his catch phrase. Eric said he didn't want to say it after this call today. Howard said he's smitten with Eric and he can't get mad at him. Eric eventually gave Howard a ''Bye for now...'' but it was only for him.
Gary told Howard that they were suppose to talk to this Brandy chick now so he asked if he wanted to do that or not. Howard wanted to put Eric on the phone with her so he told Gary to make that happen. He asked Eric about how much he spends on her web site and all of that. He wasn't sure, he couldn't remember. Gary said that the web site is $24.95 a month so that's what Eric is shelling out. Howard said that's a lot of money for a guy who is on SSI. Robin asked him what else he spends money for. Howard said so far it's on this show and on porno. Eric said he also spends money on food and gas. Robin said he must need gas for that wheelchair of his. Eric said he doesn't need gas for that and called her a stupid bitch. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said they had Ham Hands Bill make a prank call back in the office earlier. They had him call a flower shop and recite some of his song parody to the woman there to put on a card with some flowers for his daughter. He told her all of his key lines about Robin taking off her PJs and her Buttcheeks being warm. The woman got fed up and said she couldn't put that on a card.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa said that they're doing a prom special where they ask the guys on the staff about their proms. Sal got punched in the face by his prom date. He ended up on the dance floor with another woman and getting punched. Richard Christy ended up in a chicken coup and JD didn't go to his prom.
Lisa said that they have another story about Richard shooting a movie this weekend. They'll also talk about High Pitch Eric avoiding getting evicted from his apartment for now. They'll have more details today on Howard 100 News. Howard thinks that Eric finally got some money from his family or something. He let Lisa go after that.
Eric said he found Brandy after doing a search for ''Big Breasted Girls'' on Yahoo. Brandy said that she's got huge boobs and they're not fake. Howard said the guys were showing some pictures of her in the studio there. He said that she's got some very graphic stuff on her web site too. He asked Eric what he thinks is so great about Brandy. He said that she's the cutest one he's ever seen out of the women he's come across. Brandy said that she's been posting on SFN for the past 2 weeks but she hasn't seen him posting anything. Eric said he wasn't aware of that and he'd have to go over there and check it out.
Howard told Eric to talk about how he beats off to Brandy. He explained it for Eric saying that he lays face down on his bed and rubs into his pillow and then whacks off into his PJ pants and just leaves it in there to dry. Eric said he's got it about right. He said he likes to see her solo stuff on her web site and not so much of her doing stuff with other people.
Eric said he likes to see her doing things like one where she's in her ''kit...chen'' washing her boobs. Howard told Eric to talk to Brandy and pretend that they're not there. He wanted him to give her his fantasy. Eric said ''Oh boy...'' and then said he'd like to play with her breasts, suck on them, rub them and anything else she'd be willing to do. Brandy asked him if he's ever tittie fucked anyone. Eric said all he's ever been able to do was rub on breasts and suck them. Brandy said that her boobs would probably swallow him if she was with him. Howard said the only person who has fucked Eric was God... and he only fucked him once. Artie said that God fucks you forever, he's no one pump and out kind of guy.
Eric didn't want to do the phone sex thing with Brandy on the air. He said he didn't want to do it in public. Brandy tried to do the phone sex thing and told him to take out his huge cock and rub it on her. She gave him a whole scenario and all Eric would say is ''ok'' and ''yes'' when she asked him questions. Howard tried to help out and told Eric that maybe he should describe himself to Brandy. He said that he's 3'5'' tall and he's in a wheelchair. Brandy asked him if he's got a big dick. He said he did measure it a year ago for the show. He said it's about 5 inches. Brandy said that was pretty good for his size. Howard said that he's only 6 inches and he's 6'5'' tall.
Howard said Eric was a disaster at this and he was worse than JD. Howard said Brandy sounds like a cute sweetie and if he were Eric, he'd be trying to get into her pants by sweet talking her. Howard said he was running out of time so he said what he might do is call her back in a week after having JD practice with Eric. Eric said he's not going to do this in public. Howard tried to get Eric to do some phone sex but Eric said he was doing nothing when he was asked.
Artie tried to help out too and told Eric what he should be saying. He gave him a few lines but it wasn't working. Howard took a call from a guy who said he had the right lines for him and did an impression of Eric telling her to tell him how sexy he was in his PJ pants.
Johnny Fratto called in to try and help out. He asked Eric what the problem was. Eric said he's told Johnny many times that he can't do this on the air. Johnny told him he should say something like ''Suck my cock or I'll blow your brains out...'' Johnny also told Howard that Eric told him that this is his fantasy girl. He should be doing something with her on the phone.
Howard asked Brandy what she was wearing and found out she didn't have a bra or panties on, just a pair of shorts. She said that she's fully shaved as well. Artie said that he has a theory about why Eric sucks at this... ''he sucks at everything.''
Howard asked Brandy if Eric has a chance at going out on a date with her. She gave him an ''Ummm'' and said that she might go on a date, but she may not fuck him. Howard said that if she likes him, she can do whatever he wants. He asked Eric if he would man up and go on the date with her. Eric said ''yeah'' so Howard asked him if he loves her. He said he's sure it could come out to that. Howard told Brandy that he's seen her naked already and knows a lot about her.
Eric said he visits her web site several times a day. Robin wondered what kind of dinner conversation he could make. Howard said he'll come up with something. Eric and Brandy started to talk a little bit about American Idol. They have something in common at least. The two of them talked about who they think should win and stuff like that. Howard said that this is a different approach to phone sex.
Howard told Eric that they were going to make this happen for him and set up a date for him. He gave Brandy some plugs for her web sites ClubBrandy.com and Myspace.com/brandytalore.
Artie said that maybe if Eric goes to American Idol, he can watch as Simon Cowell fucks Brandy. He did an impression of Simon face fucking her and stuff like that. Howard said he doesn't care what Artie says, he's set up the date for Eric. Then Artie said that Randy could come in and double team Brandy. Howard said he's still going to set Eric up on this date because he does like him. He said he thinks he's a good guy and wouldn't abuse her like some guys would.
Artie continued his story where Simon and Randy are fucking Brandy and then Ryan Seacrest comes into the room... and fucks Eric in the ass. Howard said goodbye to Eric who actually said a thank-you to Howard after asked to do that. Eric even gave Howard a ''Bye for now'' as he was saying goodbye. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard found out that Jason's mom, Roxanne, is 53 years old. He had her come in and said that she's a thin woman. She had been drinking out in the green room. Jason said he wanted to loosen her up to tell some stories. Roxanne said she last got laid in December of last year. Jason said he was going to call bullshit on that. He aids that she really is hard up if that's the case. Howard said that Roxanne is keeping it together for a 53 year old. He asked her if she would have sex with any of Jason's associates. She said she would have to make a connection with them first. She said she might go out on a date but she thinks that she can do it on her own. Howard said ''apparently not.''
Howard asked Jason who he would want her to go out with. Jason said that Lee reminds him of his dad and he'd like to see her out with him. He said that he thinks that his father used to make his mom bang other guys in front of him. She said that was true but Jason was dramatizing it a little bit. She said that you'd have to know the whole story to get it. She said that she was a virgin when she met her husband and she told him that she didn't know if he was the best so she wanted to try other men. She said that one guy was a very good friend of theirs who did that for them. She told the story about what happened and how her husband would fuck her after the other guy would do her. She said that he would instruct the other guys on what to do to her. She said that he liked to see them fuck her and see her response to them.
Howard asked Roxanne what the weirdest thing was she ever did for her husband. She said that they once met a couple and ended up going to a hotel and fucking on the same bed. Jason asked her if she ever had to rim anyone. She said she never had to do that. She said she thinks the weirdest thing was when she was fucked in both holes at the same time. She was telling some of those stories when Howard said he never could have had this woman on the old radio show, she was very graphic. Roxanne said that she was on top of one guy and she had another guy coming in from behind her when that DP thing was going on.
Jason said that his dad was the biggest pervert and would show him the dildos he'd use and this bouncing ball they had that had a dick on it. They had all kinds of stuff like that and Jason knew about it. Jason asked his mom about her theory on things. She tried to get her thoughts out but it wasn't coming out. She said she tries just about anything once and if she doesn't like it, she won't try it again. She said that she's been with women. Jason said his dad has shown him pictures of them doing stuff. He said he would just throw them on the table and show them to him. He said he had no desire to see them though. Howard wondered if he was trying to get his son involved with his mother. Roxanne said that was sick and that wasn't going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Roxanne sounded like Edith Bunker. Another caller asked how her husband convinced her to have sex with other men. Roxanne said she had to find another man who she clicked with and once that happened, she could see it happening.
Howard took a call from Wood Yee (audio clips) who asked her to keep talking, he was about to come. Howard asked Jason if he ever saw his mother walking around naked. Jason said he saw her because they were nudists and they'd walk around like that. Wood Yee was still on the phone and said ''You're a real hoot'' to some of the stuff she was saying. Howard let Wood Yee go after he said something about a hot load on his face.
Howard asked Roxanne if she wanted to meet the men that her son picked out for her. She said she would meet them but they had to have a connection if she was going to date them. First up was Lee from Howard TV. Lee said he got laid about a month ago so he's not incredibly desperate. Lee said he met Roxanne on his way to take a dump earlier in the morning.
Roxanne said she wasn't sure if she would like Lee without talking to him. He said that after a few beers he looks really, really good. Lee was also saying that Jason and Roxanne have the same face so he'd have to get past that. Howard asked him if it was weird when Jason asked him if he'd like to fuck his mom. Lee said it was kind of odd and Jason even came in this morning and asked him if he was hard yet. Lee said he's willing to do this to bump up subscriptions for Howard TV and SIRIUS but he didn't sound all that interested in her. He told her that Greg would probably be the better man for her.
Howard asked Roxanne how many men she was with over the years, other than her husband. She said it was probably 25 times that she fucked another man but it wasn't 25 different guys. A caller asked if she's into bukakke. She said she likes that but it was usually her husband who would do that. She said she's also a swallower and if a guy finished on her chest, she'd rub it in.
A caller asked Jason if he wanted to blow his brains out after this. Howard said it seemed like he was okay with it. Jason said that's life and he has no control over this stuff. Fred asked if it's really his mother because it seemed like another relative or something. Another caller asked if Roxanne likes a big cock up her ass. She already talked about having that done. Irish John called in and asked if there were any of Jason's friends who fucked her. She said that she never did anything but she may have fantasized about it.
Howard said he had Kenneth Keith Kallenbach there because he was willing to fuck Roxanne. Howard said Ken actually contacted them and said he'd like to do her. Roxanne asked what she'd gotten herself into when he came in. Jason said he'd draw the line at Kenneth Keith. He said he really doesn't know him that well. Kenneth said that he's what America's all about, sex, drugs, alcohol, long hair... Howard gave Ken a plug for his DVD ''American Icon'' which is coming out Tuesday, June 5th in stores everywhere.
Howard asked where Greg was because he wanted to introduce him. Greg came in a short time later and said that Jason just randomly asked him if he wanted to bang his mom. Roxanne said she thinks that her son got her into something deep there. Howard said he could see a connection with Greg. Roxanne said he was attractive, yes. Greg said that he has had a fantasy about having an older woman but it's weird because it's his buddy's mom.
Sal came in and asked Roxanne if she would show them her tits. She said she has flashed guys before but she wasn't sure she wanted to do it on TV. Howard told her to just show them, she's a nudist. She didn't want to do it in front of her son. She said she's not a sickie and wouldn't do that in front of her son. Sal offered to give her twenty bucks. Then the rest of the guys started throwing money into the pot and they had it up to a whole $47... and then it was up to $68 a short time later. Roxanne said she wasn't going to do it in front of her son. Sal was throwing money at her breasts but she wasn't doing anything.
Ralph called in and suggested that she ride the Sybian and have Jason control it. Neither of them wanted to do that. Ralph said the weird thing is that Jason seems like a normal guy. Howard took another call from a woman who said that there's something wrong with the cosmos this week with the weird relative thing going on. Kenneth Keith said he had some dildos in his bag and said that he had a magnifying glass to check her out for genital warts. He also had a lighter for smoking drugs later. He then put a dildo in his mouth which grossed out the guys.
A caller asked if Roxanne was shaved. She said she is partially shaved down there. Another guy asked her if she's ever ashamed of this stuff. He said that it seems kind of unstable to him. Howard asked Greg if he wanted to kiss Roxanne. He said it was just too weird to do. Howard asked her if she would let him touch her boob. She said that was fine and let Greg feel her up. Greg said it felt pretty nice as he was feeling her up. Roxanne said she's really not a freak. Roxanne got to grab Greg's crotch and she thought that was kind of weird. Jason said that this was amazing to him because Howard was creating something so bizarre. Sal suggested that they let Greg feel his mom's crotch now. Howard said that Greg and Roxanne looked kind of cute together.
Howard let Kenneth Keith get in a plug for his web site KennethKeith.com. Then Jessica Hahn called in and said she thinks that Jason just wants to get his mom a date. She seems like a sweet woman and she's not a hooker or something but they're making it seem dirty.
Howard said he heard that Jason's wife was there so he wanted to meet her. The guys brought in Courtney and Howard said she had a great body. He asked her what she thought of her mother-in-law. She said she thinks she's cute. She said that Roxanne is a sweet woman and she has a lot of great stories to tell. Howard asked her if she thinks that she should show her boobs. She still didn't want to do it with her son there so Jason left the studio. Then she said she wasn't sure if she could do it. She did do it and flashed them real quick. The guys said they were nice. Howard said they weren't bad and told her she had some nice titties. He said she had some nice nips there. He asked if she breast fed her son with those nips. She said she didn't have luck with that. Howard said those nips weren't like big pencil erasers, they were nice. Sal said he best that she has a nice vagina too. Jason drew the line there and said she wouldn't be showing that.
Howard spent a few more seconds talking to Roxanne, Jason and Courtney before he wrapped up. He also asked Roxanne if she wanted to ride the Sybian. Jason said he wanted her to leave with some dignity. Sal said it was too late though. Howard thanked Kenneth Keith for coming in but he started saying that Roxanne was too old for him and that she looks kind of like a man a little bit. Howard seemed to think that was a little rough though. He had to go to break after that.
Howard asked Steven about James Galdolfini's weight and why he's so big. He said that he blew up on the show but now that it's over, he's trying to lose it. He said they all kind of blew up on that show. Howard said that if he were Gandolfini, he'd change his name to Tony Soprano and keep playing that part forever. Steven said that job is really tough when he's got so many lines to do. He said he sees why Gandolfini wanted to leave because he was putting in so much time doing it.
Howard asked Steven about the deal he had over there because HBO is infamously cheap. Steven said that the money for him is just a sign of respect as far as he's concerned. He said he reworked his deal and it never got all that ugly for him. He said he talked about leaving the show but they kept him around. He said they don't get any residuals from the show so what they make that week working is all they get paid. They sell tons of their DVDS too and they don't get a part of that.
Artie said that the DVD thing has changed the business because they do sell so many, it's like another form of syndication. Howard asked Steven if he hangs out with Gandolfini. He said that the whole cast became friends and they do hang out. He said that he and Bruce were much closer when he was in his band. Howard asked him if he left Bruce because he was getting all of the attention. Steven said that it was his suggestion for Bruce to use his name. He didn't have a problem with it. He said he wanted him to be the biggest star in the world when they were growing up. He wanted him to be successful.
Howard said that Artie is a huge fan of Bruce's and he'd be willing to blow a man if he ever appears on American Idol. Artie said that's not the case, he never said he was going to blow anyone. He said that if Bruce ever appeared on American Idol, he would get his balls shocked. He still thinks there's no way that Bruce would ever do the show. Steven said ''Uh oh!'' when he heard that. Howard told Steven to please make it happen so they can see Artie get his balls shocked. Steven was laughing while Artie was telling the story.
Howard said that sometimes you have to do a show like that for the teenagers. If they get Bruce on the show, they can introduce a whole new audience to his music. He asked Steven if he can imagine Bruce and the E Street Band doing that show. Steven said that things are changing out there these days so you never know. He said there was a time when they could say that they'd never do that, but the business is changing radically now. There's no more radio. He said that he's the only one playing new rock music on SIRIUS. He said that when you put out a record these days you don't get the word out over the radio. He told Artie not to be upset if they do end up on there sometime.
Steven said that Bruce is working on some new stuff and they may have an announcement in the next year or so. He said that they could make a new album within that time. Howard said that they might have to do a show like American Idol to get the word out there. Howard asked him if they've talked about that at all. Steven said he doesn't see them all that much so they haven't discussed it.
Artie said that they're going to sell out 16 nights at Giants Stadium no matter what so there's no reason to go on that show. Steven said that there's no difference between doing that show or a Letterman or Leno show. Artie said that American Idol looks like a shitty 1970s John Davidson TV show and it is different. Howard asked Steven if he watches American Idol. He said that he doesn't but his wife told him about Prince doing it. He said that American Idol is the music business now, and they have to accept that.
Steven said that his channel played 50 percent of the air time for the new Rolling Stones album. He said a lot of bands like that are out of touch with the music business now. Artie was still complaining about American Idol and saying that those people won't get Springsteen's music. Howard anted to get a word in but Artie said he was trying to explain something to him and insisted on telling this story. He said that Bruce will be relevant forever while those American Idol people won't.
Howard told Artie that Gary told Little Steven back in the green room that Artie could recite those raps that Springs teen does in those live songs of his and Steven's response was ''That's very sad...'' Steven then told Howard and the guys that these days, when a band has a song in a commercial, it's accepted. Years ago it would kill a band to do that but now you have to do it just to get your music heard.
Howard said that a lot of these big companies are starting to sell off their radio stations and that might give hope to the radio business. He said it'll bring back the local stations and music to those stations. He said that and satellite radio could save the music business. That led to him promoting this CD that Steven was there to talk about. It's called CBGB Forever. Steven said that they lost the fight to keep the business running and they're gone now. He said that they have some tracks on the album that are very rare to find. Howard played some of the Foo Fighters cover of a Ramones song, ''Danny Says,'' from that new CD. He also played some of Green Day's cover of another Ramones song, ''Favorite Son.'' Gary said the U2 track is really good too so Howard played that one as well.
Howard said that The Ramones were a great band and he thinks that Joey was an underrated singer. Steven agreed and said they never got the respect they deserved. Howard and Steven talked about them for a short time and also talked about the days when Steven was playing with Bruce Springs teen.
Howard asked Steven about the final episodes of ''The Sopranos'' and how that feels. Steven said that it's good to be someone different off the screen. Howard asked him why he thinks that David Chase went after him for 10 years trying to find him. He said that David just happened to see him doing an induction for a band and he thought he'd be good in the show. He said he sees things differently as a director. Howard asked him if he was the first guy signed to The Sopranos. Steven said he's not sure of the order they were hired. He didn't even feel right taking the part because he might be taking someone else's job.
Howard asked Steven if they can expect a lot of violence in the next couple of weeks. Steven said ''yes'' to that but didn't give away anything else. Howard asked Steven if he knows any real mob guys. He said he wouldn't say if he did know any. That was a yes to Robin. Howard asked him if he's ever killed anyone in his real life. Steven got a laugh out of that.
Artie said he likes the little details they give in The Sopranos and talked about the episode where they killed off Christopher because it was called ''Heidi and Kennedy'' and those were the names of the girls that were driving the car that caused the accident in that episode.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Steven what a big fan she's been since 1979. She said that she thinks that Bruce is a sell out these days because he shops in Barneys and he seems to have a huge ego these days. Howard tried to interrupt her but she wouldn't stop talking so Howard had to hang up on her. She was trying to say that she thinks that Bruce used to be more of a working class type of guy but now he's got money and it's not like that. Steven said that just because the guy is writing songs that are like that doesn't mean that he is a working class type of guy. He's just a good writer. Howard said there are some people out there who will stop buying albums when their favorite bands actually start selling some records.
Artie said that he always wanted to ask Tom Waits about the song ''Jersey Girl'' because he'd heard stories about it. He said he got to work with Tom on the movie ''Mystery Men'' so he asked him how he came up with the song and his throw away line to him was ''Uh, my wife's from Newark.'' He thought it was going to be a whole story about some chick he'd met and all of this other stuff but that was all he got.
Howard wrapped up with Steven. He talked to him about the possibility of the band getting back together and possibly getting on American Idol. They goofed around with that a little bit before Howard had to go to break.
Howard mentioned that they have a couple of guests coming in soon like Joe Piscopo and Joey Fatone. He talked about Dancing with the Stars after bringing up Joey. He thinks that Joey should win that show from what he's seen.
Howard said he heard that Artie had a stain on his pants so he had him stand up to show it. Artie figured it was soda and not pee. Artie said he's pretty sure it's not pee like Howard has. Howard said he's had pee issues lately and he keeps dribbling for 10 minutes afterward. Artie said he hopes he doesn't have that problem.
Howard had Steve Langford come in with his Howard 100 News preview. Steve said they're working on the American Idol story and they have 3 insiders who claim that Jordin Sparks is supposed to win the show from what they've heard. Steve said they will have some inside information about the songs they'll be performing tonight. Steve said that SIRIUS is announcing a new channel this summer that will feature the music of the Grateful Dead.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Little Steven's visit today and some of the things that Artie was saying about American Idol during that interview. Jon said they'll also talk about Jason from Howard TV bringing his mother in to get laid. They'll also talk about Eric the Midget's calls this morning.
Howard said he was looking at some of the caller's pictures and she looks like Justine Bateman in some of them but like a dude in others. She was offended by that. Artie said she looks like Patrick Bateman to him. Artie said he wasn't trying to be an asshole but he thinks that she looks like former Yankee Chuck Knoblock. The caller said that she has sex mostly with men but she's not all that much into anal. She said that she usually gives oral but will give up anal to a hot guy. She said that she's dressed up like a woman every day. She said that she's growing some boobs and she's only around an a-cup right now. She said that they're growing by leaps and bounds though. Artie pointed out that she has a dick and boobs about the size of his.
Howard said that he couldn't change the rules in the contest for this ''Bea'' person. He said that the rules are the rules and they can't bend them for her. He let her go and then got a question asking him if he would rather bang Nicole Bass or Bea. Howard said it might be a tough choice. He said that he wishes that Nicole Bass looked like Bea, then it wouldn't be a tough choice. Howard said that he doesn't think he could even jerk off to someone like Bea knowing that she was a dude.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was upset that James Gandolfini was ending The Sopranos and he's not going to support him in any other acting gigs. Artie said that was a ridiculous argument and said that he doesn't know that he's not going to like Gandolfini in something else in the future. Howard agreed so he hung up on the guy and had Robin start her news.
The guys continued to talk about the disturbing images of themselves and how they can't stand to see what they look like on sex tapes. Howard said it was the extreme close ups of himself that were the worst thing about his video. Artie said that at this point in his life, he has to try and think of something really disgusting about himself before watching himself trying to make it easier on him to see himself. The problem is that it's never disgusting enough and he's always a disappointment.
Howard said that Kidd Chris was on the phone and wanted to let them know some key plots in the upcoming Sopranos episodes. Gary said he already ruined it for him because he IM'd him some stuff and spoiled a major plot line. Artie said he would get really mad if Howard put him on the air and he just blurted something out. Howard said he knows something about the show because he knows a person on the show who gets killed off. He wrote it down for Gary to ask Kidd Chris about. Gary said the thing that Chris told him was 10 times worse than what Howard wrote down for him. Howard said he wasn't going to pick up on Chris because of that.
Howard said that the ending of The Bachelor is kind of like that and you want to wait until the end of the show to see what happens. Beth read it in the paper 3 weeks before the show aired. He said that's lame and he's not sure why they'd do something like that.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said he saw Howard's ass in an old channel 9 show episode and talked about how disturbing that was back then. Howard said it really was bad back then but he's still got it today even though he's not fat. Janks told him to watch those old shows if he wants to feel better about himself.
Sal came in and said that he asked Ronnie what was going on with the car and the petcock and Ronnie said to him ''Who gives a shit!?'' to him. Ronnie said it was none of his business, that's why he said that to him. Howard played a song that Richard came up with about Ronnie and his petcock.
Howard read through some e-mail feedback about what went on with Ronnie yesterday. A bunch of people talked about their vehicles and the features they have that Howard's limo doesn't even have. Howard said Beth heard about this whole thing yesterday and she was wondering if he puts on the heat in his vehicle in the summer. He said he does but that has nothing to do with the heat in the limo. He said that his driver should have gotten out and fixed the petcock thing that night.
Howard heard that Ronnie was out in the hall in a heated conversation with an intern. Ronnie said he was just explaining to her what had gone on and the conversation wasn't heated. Howard told Ronnie that he should just drop it and not talk to people in the hall. He told him to stop with the interns and just stand in the hall like a wooden statue. He has too much personality out there. He said that the black guys there just stand there and do their jobs without causing a problem.
Howard said that Sam Simon sent him a note saying that any limo driver should check for heat before letting them get in the car. Howard said that Ronnie did do that in the winter but it didn't help the other night when they were out and the other driver was driving. He wrapped up with Ronnie and sent him back out into the hall so he could have Robin finish up her news.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he saw Gilbert out at an event and claimed that he saw him walking with a baby carriage. He said Gilbert looked totally defeated and miserable.
At one point Jason came into the studio to talk about illegal immigration since Robin had brought it up in the news. That led to Howard saying that Jason has been eating a ton and it looks like he's gaining back all of the weight he lost. He had him get back on the scale so he could see how much he gained. Jason shot up to 228 pounds! He was at 212 pounds just 2 weeks ago. Howard told him to try to control his urges and not eat so much. Jason claims that he's still dieting and he's going nuts not being able to eat.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone playing the part of Bruce Springs teen late in the show. ''Bruce'' claimed that he was in rehearsal for doing American Idol. Artie played along with him and went into one of his Bruce Springs teen raps where he rambles on and on. Howard cut Artie off after a short time.
Richard Christy came in and told Howard that he heard from a fan who said he asked Sour Shoes to call a friend of his to surprise him. Sour Shoes ended up talking to him for over 2 hours. He said that's how crazy Sour Shoes is. Howard hung up on Sour Shoes and had Robin finish up the news. They ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started off the show singing some new lyrics to his ''Great American Nightmare'' theme song. He said he was driving around in his car listening to the song during the replay recently. He remembered how cool the song sounded when Rob Zombie played it for him the first time. He thought he could have done better with Rob in the studio when they were performing and he let him down a little bit. He didn't give it everything he could have.
Howard remembers performing the song on MTV with Rob back in the day when MTV was still playing music. He said Rob looked really cool while he didn't look cool at all. He said he must have looked so dumb on TV doing that because he's so far from being cool.
Howard said he's got a bunch of stuff to play for people today. He's been stockpiling stuff lately. He said they have Ham Hands Bill's live version of the bit he did back in 1996 about Robin and her Dad. Howard said he was going to play both versions and have Robin tell him which one she liked best. He played the live version first. After playing it Robin said she thinks that it was even better than the original. She said she found it hard to believe it could be better though.
Howard played the prank call they had Bill make to a flower shop where he asked the woman at the shop to write down the words from that bit on a card for his daughter. Howard took a call from a guy after that who said that there was a song parody contest before that contest where Bill won. Robin said that the one Bill won was about her news theme, that's how that all got started. The caller said that the song parody about Robin before that was something about Robin's trouser trout. Howard asked Fred to check into that and see what he could come up with.
The caller asked Howard if he knew anything about the merger. Howard said he hears nothing about it but he did hear about XM being off the air for two days. The caller also asked Howard what ever happened with the reports about him going back to terrestrial radio. Howard said he was approached to go back but the stories were false. He was approached to come back but he turned down the offers. He's not sure where these stories come from and how people come up with some of these stories.
Artie said that when he leaves his apartment he has to adjust the petcock in there so it has some heat. He told Howard that his apartment actually has four separate air conditioning units in it. He said that when he walks into the apartment in the afternoon, he needs some air. He was trying to help Howard figure out just what he was going to need to do when he leaves today. He told Howard to tell the driver he's going to need air this afternoon. They were all goofing on Ronnie about the way the limo is set up after the nightmare Howard talked about on Monday.
Howard played a Ronnie song parody about the whole petcock thing. Then he talked about all of the Baba Booey song parodies they get there and played one of the new ones they've gotten. It was a parody of the Hole song ''Celebrity Skin.'' Robin said that was one of the first Baba Booey songs they've gotten with a girl singing it. Howard said the songs are coming in fast. He figured he would give it to Fred since he's in charge of that stuff.
Howard played the Bleeding Deacons parody about Richard licking Sal's balls recently. They got another song from someone else about that called ''Mmm Cock'' to the tune of ''Mmm Bop.''
Howard said he heard Artie on Bubba's show yesterday and it sounded like he was a little drunk. Artie said they called him and by the end of his show he was drunk. Howard said Artie had called Bubba a jerk off during the Steven Van Zandt interview yesterday so that's why Bubba called him. Howard said he didn't hear the whole conversation with Bubba so he wanted to know why Artie was drinking in the middle of the afternoon.
Artie said he got a call from his mother yesterday. He said that sometimes her calls make him mental. She told him that she was watching a rerun of him on MAD TV where he played George Clooney. He remembered doing the show and how he was on coke back then. He said that week was torturous for him and he remembers listening to tapes of Clooney's voice to do an impression of him. Then he said his mother told him that if he lost weight, he could look like George Clooney. He said he knows that will never happen. Then he tuned in to watch the show and it brought him back to those days when he was on coke. He put in some Neil Young and started to get more depressed. Howard told him he can't do that, he might end up going back on heroin.
Artie said that he was all depressed and started drinking after all of that came up. He said he got all bummed out after seeing those old shows when he was much younger. He said his mother is delusional thinking that he could look like George Clooney. He said he saw his Jack Daniels sitting there and decided to have a shot and a cigarette. He did that around 1 o'clock and then the phone rang. He saw it was SIRIUS Satellite Radio so he figured he'd pick up. Fred was playing all of the sound effects to reenact the whole scene.
Fred was playing George Thoroughgood's ''I Drink Alone'' as Artie was talking about that. Artie said he figured that it could have been someone calling to tell him that Howard wasn't going to be on the next day, so he picked up the phone. He said he hit the radio to turn it down but it turned up so he didn't hear who was on the phone. He then realized it was Bubba calling him.
Artie said he got into the conversation about the ''jerk off'' name calling thing. He had just started to drink and kept drinking because he was having fun talking to his buddies. Then they brought up Akira and tried to get him to fuck her. Howard said he heard little bits and pieces of the conversation so he knew about the Akira thing.
Artie said he said some things about Bubba's wedding and he felt bad about that. He joked about how sad he was that he and Brent had left his wedding and missed Hulk Hogan giving him a bowl... and Bubba lying to Hulk Hogan about liking his daughter's music.
Howard had some audio clips of Bubba talking about Artie before they called him. In the clip Bubba was talking about coming back from a go-cart track. Howard cut off the clip and said that no man his age should be talking about coming back from a go-cart track, unless he owns a go-cart track. Howard was also wondering how Bubba has time to get fat doing all of the stuff he does.
Howard got back to the clip where Bubba was talking about hearing about Artie calling him a jerk off and how there's no way to take that other than an insult. He and his guys were talking about how the comment came out and what context it was being used in. Spice Boy was telling Bubba how he heard it come out. Bubba said that was bullshit that Artie was talking about him that way. He said he's not a jerk off, Artie is the jerk off for calling him a jerk off. Bubba gave Artie a ''fuck you'' and said he always takes the high road and has never called Artie any names like that.
Gary told Howard that in one clip Artie goes after Tim Sabean. Howard played that clip where Bubba and Artie were talking about Tim and Artie says that Tim is the classic middle management guy who is just a bullshitter. He said that Tim will accept anyone's opinion if he's left in the room long enough with them. Then Tim called into Bubba's show to talk to Artie asking him why he threw him under the bus too. Tim said that Artie just walked past him in the hallway and called him a fat fuck. Then Artie asks Tim if he has to go suck someone's cock or if he has to go tell the Martha Stewart channel they're doing a good job.
Howard said that if Artie had people goofing on him, he'd be crying and drinking. Tim came into the studio to talk about that stuff and piled on top of him with the rest of the guys. The guys brought up Artie's mom again and said that's why Artie ended up drinking yesterday. Howard said his mother is very direct and cutting when it comes to stuff like that. He said that his mother is very direct with him and tells him if he's looking horrible. Artie's mom isn't so direct. Howard did an impression of his mother telling him how horrible he looked back in the days when he was fat. Howard said that he was in his 30s back then when she was telling him how awful he looked.
Gary said they had some clips of Artie's mom talking about him for the Superfan Roundtable show. Howard played one of the clips where Artie's mom was talking about his weight and how she knows that it's very tough for him to lose the weight and that she's very concerned about it. She was very nice about it and said she hopes that he eventually loses the weight.
Howard had a clip of Artie's mom telling Artie to throw out the hot dogs he had in his refrigerator and that she was going to buy him some more and freeze them individually. Howard said that was the Artie saga and the reason that Artie was drinking yesterday in the middle of the afternoon. Artie said that was the first time in months that he's had a drink in the afternoon during the week.
Howard said that he has to show Robin how to plan her tri