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Howard started off the show by taking a phone call from this guy Hanzi. He asked if he had read the last issue of Time Magazine where they had the Top 100 people listed because he wasn't on the list. Howard said he was on the list last year so he's kind of surprised that he's not on it this year. He said that magazines are there to sell magazines... He had to stop in the middle of it because Hanzi was talking to someone. Howard said he used to be a good caller but now he's talking under him. Hanzi said he was talking to his mother because she was giving him a hard time.
Hansy is 23 years old and he still lives at home so Howard asked him what was going on there. Hanzi said he's had some issues lately and he's been going to therapy. He said that he's trying to work through a bunch of issues because he's unable to work because of them. Howard said he sounds like every guy because he's saying he can't get girls. Hanzi said that he's Pakistani and started to explain why he's upset about the girl thing. He started to explain it but Howard cut him off and said he thinks that he believes that he should get girls in his culture but that's not what he was going for.
Hansy claims that he has gotten laid in his life but he didn't stick with the chick because he refused to eat her out. Hanzi went on to say that he didn't get to express himself when he was a little kid because he was always doing things for other people. Howard asked him what he did. Hanzi tried to explain that stuff but Howard and Robin kept cutting him off. Howard was goofing on him so Hanzi sounded like he was going to give up on the whole explanation. He couldn't get his thoughts out because Howard and the guys kept cutting him off.
Howard asked Hanzi if he's ever held a job. He said he had some temp jobs and did that. He worked in some stores as a cashier and things like that. He said one job gave him 6 hours a week so that didn't work out too well. He said he thinks that when he goes into interviews they don't like his answers or something. Howard tried to go through a phony interview with him to find out what kind of answers he gives. He asked Hanzi to talk about himself so Hanzi gave him some good answers and Howard figured he wasn't that bad.
Hansy said that he was put in something called ESL for many years. He didn't even know what ESL meant so Gary told them that it stood for English as a Second Language. Howard wondered how he couldn't know what that meant if he was in it.
Hansy said he was using that ESL thing in his stand-up comedy act so Howard asked him why he'd use that if he doesn't even know what it means. Hanzi said that Canadians would know what it means. He went on to say that he used that in a joke about his stuttering and how it was so bad that his teachers put him in ESL. Howard tried to dissect the joke and tell it again but it didn't come off so well. He and Robin goofed on him a little bit about that.
Howard told Hanzi that if he were his mother he'd tell him to go out and get a job. He wanted to see Hanzi's resume so he asked him to send it to him. He didn't believe he even had one but Hanzi claimed he really did. Howard talked to Hanzi about the work he wants to do and how it's obvious that he can't be a comedian after telling that joke earlier. Artie tried to help him out by pointing in him the right direction with his jokes. Hanzi said that he also rants in his comedy routine so the guys figured he was kind of like a Dennis Miller or a Pat Cooper in that way.
Howard told Hanzi to get angry about something and rant like he claims he does. He tried feeding him some ideas so Hanzi could write some jokes. He told him to go write some stuff for them and then call them back. Hanzi said he did make a video that he put on YouTube. Howard said he had to see that.
Sal came in and said that he wants to give this guy some jokes for his stand-up act. He said that if he's white and doesn't look Pakistani he could make a joke about how no one knows he's Pakistani other than the fact that he smells like piss. Howard kicked Sal out of the studio. Hanzi was laughing though.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people rip on him. One guy told him to go out and get a job. Hanzi was arguing with him asking him ''Who are you?'' over and over again as the guy was goofing on him. Another guy told Howard to just get him off the air. Artie tried to help him out with jokes again and gave him some suggestions for what he could write jokes about. Howard saw a picture of Hanzi so he said that he's actually a handsome guy. Artie told him that he could use that as one of his jokes saying that Hanzi is short for Handsome and he'd get a laugh out of that.
Howard got back to the Time 100 list and said he was going to talk about that. He said he's pretty sure that if they put him on the top 100 list it would just be a hype thing for the magazine. He figured that they wouldn't put him on the list year after year. He said they offered him the chance to be at a party last year when he was on the list so he could be photographed with all of the other people on the list. He said he doesn't care about that stuff and would rather be low key when it comes to that stuff.
Howard played some of Hanzi's video from YouTube where he raps. He played that for a short time and then cut it off. He said he's not into rap but that didn't sound too good to him. Hanzi told him that it gets better in the second verse so Howard tried to get through more of it.
JD came in and told Howard he pulled some audio of Hanzi doing a prank call to a religious TV show. Hanzi had to explain the call to Howard before he played it. Howard played a few of the calls but he didn't like what he was hearing. Hanzi said that he made about 80 of them and those weren't the best. Howard gave up on trying to play them and let him go.
Howard asked Robin and Artie what they did this weekend. They didn't do all that much. Artie said he stayed at home and just hung out over the weekend. Robin asked him if he's had any luck house hunting. He said he's been too busy on the road lately to go looking but he will be looking at a few places sometime soon.
Howard asked the guys if they saw The Sopranos last night. Robin and Artie did see the show so they spent a few minutes talking about it without giving too many details. Howard liked the episode but Robin said she didn't. She said that she thinks that it's going to go through the dream sequences thing again after last night's episode. Howard and Robin went back and forth talking about what went on during the show. Artie kind of gave some spoilers when he brought up Christopher after saying that a major player in the show was killed off. Howard said he thinks that it was the best episode of the season so far.
Robin brought up this thing that went on with Opie and Anthony over the weekend. Howard said he heard the bit that they got in trouble over and said that he didn't think the bit was all that funny, if anything, it was just boring. He said that all of these people who think their free speech is being taken away are wrong because when you work for a company, you have to abide by their rules. Robin said people were saying that the whole thing could bring bad press to the XM/SIRIUS merger. Howard said he thinks that CBS and XM may want to get rid of them because their format hasn't worked that well for them. He said that if he were CBS, he'd take the oldies format that they used to air on WCBS and replace Opie and Anthony with that.
Artie said that they used to listen to that kind of stuff when he was in construction because everyone could deal with it without fighting. Howard said he hated that format and could never listen to it, but a lot of people do seem to like it. He said that they could play some 50s stuff until the format gets old and then start bringing some 60s music and then some 70s music into the mix to keep it fresh.
Howard said he was number 1 in terrestrial radio for just about 20 years and the whole show was awesome. it's no easy feat to do that either. He wondered what kind of money terrestrial radio would have to pay him to come back. Robin said it would be a lot of money and he'd be getting paid more than any professional athlete.
Robin said she was going to her house the other day and there was a guy parked in her driveway saying he couldn't believe it was really her. He had his kid with him and his wife on the phone saying that he couldn't believe he was following her. She said that it's just the kind of response they get and how much the fans seem to love them.
Howard read some mail about Johnny Fratto whose picture they must have had up on his web site last week. Howard said he really likes Johnny after reading a bunch of negative e-mails about the way he looks with that white hair and tanned face of his.
Howard threw in the Bleeding Deacons version of ''Sal's a Gay Papa'' song at one point during the e-mail. They actually had two different versions and Robin said they seem to get better and better the more they do that song.
Gary came in and said that the band Hanson was coming in today and someone had actually written a song parody about Sal and Richard's ball licking thing based on the Hanson song ''Mmmbop.'' Howard played a little bit of that but cut it off after a few seconds.
Howard had Johnny Fratto on the phone to defend himself. He said he thinks that it's Eric (The Midget) doing that because he said that he was going to get even with him for not giving him a job. He said he did offer to let him dress up as a jar of tomato sauce. Howard said that he was telling people that Johnny wanted to actually dump a jar of tomato sauce on him and then stick the jar on his head.
Eric the Midget was on the phone so Howard put him on and said that someone offered him a job and he really thinks he should take it. He said that this guy wrote him a letter and said that he lives about 3 miles from him. The job may not be exactly what he's looking for though. Howard read the letter and the guy says that Eric wants to greet people and be part of the hospitality field. He said that the job would be Eric working as a Lobbyist in the California State Legislature. Howard said the guy gives him his address so he could pass that along to Eric. The writer thinks that Eric might like going to Capital Hill with him and things like that.
Howard asked Eric what he thinks about that. Eric said it sounds like a good job but he said he set Howard straight last week. He said he didn't want to be a greeter. Johnny told him he'd be a lobbyist. Howard told Eric that he's the most belligerent little fuck he's ever met. He said that he just read him an e-mail where someone is offering him a job and he goes off on him by saying ''STERN!... '' and talking about how he straightened him out.
Eric said that there's nothing wrong with him and he thinks that Howard just keeps telling him the same thing over and over again. Johnny said he'd take the job if he were him. Howard said it's very hard to do anything nice for Eric. He figured he'd be jumping up and down for joy after hearing the letter. Eric said the job is a good one but that's not what he wants to do. He said he wants to work for the Maloof brothers doing some stuff as an assistant or something at their hotels.
Johnny Fratto told Howard that the picture they have of him on his web site isn't the most flattering picture. He said that he'd send a new one. Eric told Howard that he sent two e-mails to Will about what he wants to do as a job. Howard said he heard something else about Eric getting caught jerking off by the UPS delivery person. Eric claimed that it was made up by Johnny and he wasn't going to go along with it. Johnny made it sound like he didn't make it up but he was going to take the blame for it.
Howard said he got another e-mail from a guy who was going to offer Eric a job working for his company where they throw celebrity parties. He'd already hung up on Eric so he couldn't give him that information.
Lisa said that Beth O was interviewed by a Pittsburgh TV show last week and talked about how she's not doing that much modeling lately. Howard said she's thinking she's getting too old to do that and she's got other things that she's doing to pay the bills. He said that the guys pulled some clips of her talking about that stuff and he thought it was kind of boring but other people there think that it's fascinating. Robin said it probably is if the other people are talking about it that way.
Howard played one clip where Beth talked about the night she and Howard met. She said that it was love at first sight when they spoke for the first time that night. Howard said she was actually on a blind date that night. He played another clip where Beth talked about how Howard asked her out to have drinks with him. In one clip Beth talked about how Howard had dropped her off at home at 3 in the morning the night he walked her home and then called her back at 7 in the morning to ask her out again. Howard said he doesn't play games and he was really into her so he didn't think that he should wait. He said that he wanted to be with her and he thought it was romantic to do something like that.
Robin was pointing out how Howard can never live alone and that's why he was calling Beth so early that one morning. Howard said that she did spend a lot of time at his place over the couple of years that they were dating before moving in together. Howard said that he was only at her apartment about 10 times in the two years or so that she kept the apartment. He said that he may have stayed over night once or so. Robin said that Howard gave her a drawer at his place and not too long after that she left her apartment after burning it down. She was joking about the burning down thing. Howard said he felt good having her keep her apartment because he was afraid that he might break up with her at some point and he'd look like a piece of shit if he did that.
Gary came in and asked Howard what his move was to get Beth. He said that he had to screen Son of the Beach which was one of the projects that he was working on at the time. He said he told her he had to punch up the script or something. He said that morning he called her over she stayed for like... Seven years. He said that she actually stayed there the whole day until dinner or something like that. He said there's no reason to waste time waiting to call her and that's the way he looked at it that morning. He said that he could have dropped dead the next day and he didn't want to waste time before asking her out again.
Howard talked about how Ralph had told him to calm down with the dating thing. He said he was doing that because he thought that time was running out. Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some fans ask him some questions about that first date. Howard said that he had ''rubbed one out'' twice in the four hours he wasn't with Beth that first night. He also said that she was with him at his apartment until 3 in the morning that night which is something she didn't talk about.
Howard also told the guys about his first kiss with Beth and how that took place at some event where Vinnie Favale and Mitch Semel were at. Vinnie was on the phone so Howard got him on to talk about it. Vinnie said that he remembers meeting her for the first time and how stunning she looked that night. Howard said that he and Beth went up to her apartment and he played some music so they could dance. Howard said that's when he kissed her for the first time. He said he knew the kind of kiss she wanted so that's what he did. He said her apartment was horrible and she was paying $1,700 a month for it.
Howard played another clip of Beth's interview where she claims that Howard is the one asking her when they're going to have their wedding. She claims it's not her pushing to get married, it's him. Howard didn't think that was all that fascinating but Robin seemed to think it was. Howard said that they were talking about the marriage thing but he's not going to push her into it. He wondered if Robin thinks that they have a date that he's not telling her about. Robin said it sounds like she's saying that they are pushing for a date.
Beth was asked about having kids. Beth said she never really wanted kids and that's still the way she's thinking at the age of 35. Howard said that's the scary thing, that she's 35 years old. Howard said that he really hopes that she doesn't want kids because he really doesn't want any more. He said that he wanted to put that in the pre-nup but he found out you can't do that. He said that she asked him if he would really break it off with her if she decided he wanted kids. He said that he probably would because he really doesn't want kids. He said they still have some issues to work out.
Lisa said that she doesn't think that someone can go into a marriage with someone as a ''no'' and someone as a ''maybe'' with the baby thing. Artie and Robin joked about Howard having kids for a minute.
Lisa G said that Jeff the Drunk is supposed to be going in for surgery today for the problem he has with his ass. She also said that he was seen out drinking over the weekend. That means that the antibiotics probably won't work right if he was drinking. Howard said he thought they weren't going to operate on him. Robin reminded him that they were still testing him last week when they spoke to the doctor. That led to the guys talking about how gross Jeff's ass looked when they saw it.
Gary came in and said that Jeff was drinking with Shuli all weekend. Shuli said that they were at this place called The Egg up in Albany and he was supposed to have been banned from that place. They pulled some strings to get him back in there but then he smoked a cigarette in the lobby and put it out on the carpet there. Then he flicked his cigarette in the green room and it landed near people's stuff. Shuli said he lost it when he did that and went off on him. He said that Jeff had begged to be there but then said that he had come down there for free. Howard had to wrap up the segment because they were running behind according to Gary. He went to break a short time later.
Jimmy said that they were out on this boat trying to fish and he was making fun of Howard for being scared of this swan that was there. He thought he was nuts until the swan reared up and spread it's wings. He said they both ran away after seeing that.
Jeff said that OJ showed up at about 10:30pm and he didn't want him in his restaurant so he kicked him out. He said that it was a customer who had come to him and told him that OJ was there. He said that he had OJ at his restaurants before the murders happened and even had his picture taken with him. He said he had even been to one of his other restaurants since the murders. He said this night he didn't even check in with his brain and just took a puff off his cigar and went out to find where OJ was in the restaurant. He said that OJ was at the table that Nick Lachey had just left. The guys kind of goofed on Nick and Howard said he would have thrown Jeff a parade if he had kicked Nick out too. Jeff said Nick is a friend of his so he asked him to go easy on him.
Jeff said that OJ was with a bunch of people at his table so Artie said that it was probably the jury that acquitted him. Artie said it was probably a party of 12 that came with him. Jeff tried to tell his story but the guys were kind of goofing on how long it was taking to tell the story. Howard said he had to move things along and asked Jeff to get to the good part. Jeff said he went up to OJ and told him he wasn't going to serve him. He said that OJ didn't say a word, he just looked at him. He said he told him again since OJ didn't respond. He was by himself at the time because his people weren't there yet. He said that he asked OJ to leave and then a blonde woman came up to him and said that OJ is allowed to eat at a restaurant if he wants. He said that's not what she should be worried about and said that she should be worried about OJ possibly murdering her and getting away with it.
Howard said he liked what he was hearing and told him he was doing the right thing. He said that Fred Goldman should be proud. Jeff said he asked his assistant to get in touch with Fred Goldman and let him know what he did. He said Fred actually contacted him and they've spoken a few times since then. He said that he's now friends with him because of that. Howard said his hat is off to Jeff and he likes that he won't serve murderers. Artie said ''Wait, he murdered somebody?'' and said he thought it was another policy that he was using there at his restaurant.
Jeff said that OJ was threatening to sue claiming this was over race but that was dropped. He said that he's still being threatened with a lawsuit. Howard told Jeff that he's a hero for doing what he did. Jeff was trying to tell some stories about some other celebrities who were at his restaurant and wouldn't let Artie get in a word when he was trying to tell some jokes about Nick Lachey. Jeff also said that they seated Michael Jordan right after OJ left so they obviously have nothing against black people.
Howard thanked Jeff for the call and Jeff told him it was great to talk to the real Howard Stern and not the Howard K. Stern guy. He said he'd kick him out of the restaurant too if he showed up. Howard asked him if he would kick out Mel Gibson. He said that guy didn't murder anyone. He said he would throw out Robert Blake and Phil Spector if they showed up to his restaurant. Howard wrapped up with him and let Jeff go. They were still goofing around about how they wanted to know more about what Nick Lachey ate and things like that.
Jimmy said if he was that guy, he would have put his penis on his food and things like that instead of kicking him out.
Howard said that he read that Jimmy once said that the worst guest he ever had was this guy Jared Leto. Jimmy said that he was kind of mad at him for canceling on them one night and then going to do the Carson Daly show. He wasn't too happy with that and he wasn't all that thrilled with his interviews in the past.
Eric the Midget was on the phone to say hello to Jimmy. Jimmy said that Eric has gone to the number 1 spot on his favorite guests on Howard's show. He said that Eric seems to be treating Howard as if they are equals, or even as if Eric is above Howard. Jimmy asked Eric if he thinks that he's a wack packer. Eric said he's not and that's another thing that Jimmy loves about him.
Jimmy was also talking about how great it would have been if Eric had flown with balloons the way Howard wanted him to. Howard said he got sick of trying to make the deal with Eric because of the demands he had all the time. He said that he knows that Eric would get upset with them no matter what happened. Jimmy asked Eric why he wouldn't take that offer and just give it a try so he could fly. Eric said that the studio is too small to make it happen anyway. Howard said that they have a staging area where they could have done it. The staging area is really high and they could have gotten Eric off the ground.
Jimmy said that it's still his dream to see Eric fly with balloons and he's obsessed with it. Eric said that it would never work, they could never make it happen. Fred went into his Eric the Midget impression and goofed on him for a few seconds. Jimmy said he'd like to see Eric roast Andy Dick later this week. He wondered if Eric had ever been in the studio. Howard said he hadn't and he'd love to have him there because he feels so bad for him.
Eric said that he would come to New York under the right circumstances. Artie threw in a joke asking Eric if he wanted to come to the city to see the bottom 20 inches of the buildings there. Eric told him ''Shut up fat fuck.'' Jimmy said he would love to see Eric watching American Idol and maybe put a camera on his head or something to see what he sees.
Robin asked Eric if he's been able to get into any of the American Idol shows with that contact he had. Eric said he hasn't come through yet. Howard said that maybe if they got him into the season finale, maybe he'd fly with balloons. Eric said that maybe he could be a correspondent with Jimmy's show or something. Howard put Jimmy on the spot and asked Jimmy if he'd be willing to let Eric do a correspondent thing on his show if he did the balloon thing. Jimmy said that he could make the American Idol thing happen and he'd be willing to fly him down there for all of that. He wasn't sure if he could get him to do a correspondent thing. Jimmy said they could cut to him in the audience and do that too.
Howard told Eric what they had planned for Eric and what he'd have to do with the balloon flying thing. Jimmy said he's almost positive he can make the American Idol thing happen. Howard said that he can sit there for the American Idol thing and then go on Jimmy's show and get a shot of him in the audience. Howard said they might have to let Eric do this stuff and take his word for it that he will try to fly with balloons. Robin thought that was a bad idea though. They know what his word means.
Robin asked Eric if he would be willing to fly out to New York after all of that stuff happens. Eric gave a very positive ''Yes'' to her for that. Eric said that he was asked to ask about something for Johnny Fratto and getting Kimberly Stewart to ride one of his choppers or something. Jimmy said he wanted to see how this whole balloon flying thing goes. Howard said he thinks that Eric is finally going to do this thing but Artie said he doesn't trust him. Jimmy said he can't believe he finally agreed to do it like this.
Howard asked Jimmy about this ABC UP Front meeting thing he's in town for. They have these meetings for the advertisers so they can see the shows that they're going to be advertising on. Jimmy said that he kind of hosts the event and goes up and jokes around with the advertisers. Howard said he saw a tape of Jimmy doing that and he was very funny at it. He also brought up how Jimmy's girlfriend Sarah Silverman is going to be hosting the MTV awards this year. He said that must be a big deal for her. Jimmy said that it is a big deal and she's already writing jokes for the show. He said he may help her out with some jokes and his brother is also helping her out. Artie asked if MTV hired some outside writers for her. Jimmy said they did come up with some money for that.
Jimmy tried to give Artie some advice on all of the food he's been eating lately. He said that there must be something healthy he could eat instead of the crap he eats out of the vending machine. Howard said that he eats food they get from this restaurant Pump every day and maybe Artie should do something like that. Artie said they should just get him twice the amount of stuff that Howard gets and he could eat that. Artie said that he does like what Howard gets and he would give it a shot.
Howard asked Artie what he thinks he weighs now since he came in at 303 pounds last week. Artie said he's forgotten about that and doesn't think about it. He said he went out on a date over the weekend and ended up having some swordfish and shit like that but then he had a huge piece if cake.
Jimmy said that he tries to think about the stuff he eats and keeps only the good stuff in his office at work. Howard said he predicted that Artie was over 300 pounds last week and he was right. He wanted to see what Artie was up to this week but Artie said he wasn't up for it today. Jimmy told Artie he doesn't have to be 195 pounds but he could lose a few pounds. Artie said the sad thing is that he could be 195 pounds. He said it's not even about that though, it's about living life.
Jimmy said he thinks that Artie's whole persona is the drinking and overeating thing. Artie said that's not true. He said he was thin when he shot his movie. Jimmy told him he wasn't that thin. Howard had to go to break while they were still talking about that stuff.
Howard said that he was always angry with them because he figured they were getting laid when they were playing at such a young age. Howard asked the guys who got the idea to get into music. Isaac said that he was really into music when he was growing up so he got a guitar first and started playing. The guys also talked about how their father would pretend to discipline them when their mother thought they were acting bad but he'd let them off the hook.
Howard asked the guys if they still have some money from when they were really popular. They said that they still have the money, their parents didn't blow it all like so many child stars have happen to them. Howard asked if they have to work at all or not. They said that they have produced this album so they had to spend money on that. They aren't on a record label right now so they have to pay for all of this stuff. They said that they were with Mercury Records but then they were merged into Island/Def Jam and they didn't think they fit in with rap so they left.
Howard said he was surprised to read that all three of the boys are married now. One of the guys said that he never thought he was going to get married but when you're in that business it's kind of crazy and you grow up really quick. He said he's been married for 5 years and has 3 kids already.
Howard said that the boys are super religious and were probably pushed to get married. He wondered if they had pre-marital sex. One of the guys said that his first baby was born 7 months after he was married so he did. Howard asked the guys if they had other women before getting involved with their wives. One of the guys said that he didn't. Howard told him that he's got to experience stuff out there and women are the one thing that they could be experiencing. Howard found out that Zach, who is 21, just got married last year. He said that these guys think they know everything that young but they don't. Howard said that he was married at 21 and was married for 20 years. He said he knows that they shouldn't get married and they should be out experiencing more women.
Howard couldn't believe that Zach hadn't had any other women than the woman he's married to. He said that the kids who hold out for marriage are the ones who end up getting STD's because some of them end up banging in the ass and things like that. Howard asked what is allowed other than having intercourse. He asked if they can kiss, feel titties and maybe get their finger wet. Zach said he didn't go that far, but that was his choice. He said it was okay to touch titties and kiss though. His brother said that he's not sure where that rule came from because they never really thought about it that way.
Howard said Zach is like Jesus because he's a good looking guy and didn't do anything with women until he was married. Jimmy told the guys that he only got married so young because he figured he'd never get another woman in his life. These guys are good looking according to Jimmy so they could get chicks. The guys said they're not that good looking.
Howard asked one of the guys how he met his wife. He said that she was a model for some event they were at. Howard wondered how he didn't have sex with her for five years while they were dating. Howard asked him if he ran home and beat off when he got blue balls. He said that he would go home and drain his lizard. Howard asked Zach if he would dry hump his girl. He didn't answer that so Howard said it's got to be a leap of faith to marry someone you've never had sex with because you don't know if you're going to be compatible. He asked how many times they boned that night. He claimed that she was a virgin that night too. He said that the sex thing is awesome but it's glorified a little too much.
Howard told a story about how he had a friend that got a chick who wasn't able to get his dick into a chick because she was so dry. He said that could have happened to these guys who are virgins when they get married. He said his friend's dick was actually black and blue from trying to stick it in that chick so they obviously weren't compatible.
Howard asked the guys if they have any brothers and sisters. They said that they do have four other siblings and jokingly said that they're not talented like they are. Howard joked that his parents have forgotten all about his sister since he's such a talented guy.
Howard said that the guys were going to perform a song for them. They were going to perform ''Never Been To Spain.'' They have a new album out called Blue Sky and you can find out more about that at Hanson.net. He gave them some plugs and asked them if they laugh at American Idol. They said that they do think it's kind of funny and loved that Howard was pushing for that Sanjaya thing.
The guys performed ''Never Been To Spain'' which was a cover of a Three Dog Night song. Howard told them they did a nice job with that. He said that it must be nice to be able to just perform a song like that. Jimmy said that they really could get laid being able to sing like that. The guys said that they get laid a lot, they have no problem there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that these guys were kind of annoying at first but then they performed the song and they were great. Howard asked the guys if they were going to perform another song for them. They were going to perform a cover of ''Long Train Runnin'.'' Howard asked Zach to tell them how many times he got laid on his wedding night but he refused to give them exact numbers. He said he respects his wife too much. Howard also asked the guys if they smoke weed. They said that they have done that and Isaac got really wasted over in Amsterdam one time. He said the weed he tried really screwed him up. He said it was called ''AK-47'' so he should have known. Howard asked them to perform the song after that. They broke right into the Doobie Brothers ''Long Train Runnin'' and did a great job with that one.
Howard and the guys gave them some applause after the song. Robin wondered if they could still perform ''Mmmbop'' since their voices have changed so much. They said they could still do that. Artie wondered if they were taking requests and asked them to perform ''The House Next Door to Me Was Sold to N...'' Howard cut him off before he could request the racist song. Howard said it's great that they can actually sing and play instruments while other people have to lip sync. He wished them luck with their new album and their own record company.
Howard asked the guys about the money they made and also found out that they'd been on jimmy's show before. They said that it's a lot of fun to go on that show because of the way they have it set up. Howard took a call from a guy who said he got to party with those guys and they party really hard back stage. He said they were throwing pizza around and stuff like that. Howard asked Artie what he thought about them wasting pizza. Artie said that they're not banging chicks and they're not eating pizza, he didn't know what else to say. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and went to break.
Howard asked Jimmy what he thinks about Paris Hilton going to jail. He said he thinks it's a good thing for American and for Paris in the long run. He said that her showing up to court late is just crazy. He also thinks that the time in jail won't change her in any way.
Jimmy said that Grillo smelled like a bar rag. Steve said he had been working since 10:30 last night as a bartender so that's why he smelled like that. Howard moved on and talked about how Grillo was an intern for the show for about 7 years. He was in charge of making his baked potato and it was always a problem. He said that Grillo kept a diary so he was going to read some of it for them.
Artie said he always loved Grillo and all of the explanations he had for things on the show. Jimmy said that Steve had the biggest beer he's ever seen. Grillo said he has a problem and he knows he's a drunk. He said he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't go to meetings.
Grillo said that he thinks he has a gold mine of stuff in that diary of his. He said he wants a show of his own on SIRIUS. He said there are some things he doesn't want to talk about so he can't read it all. He said he found one part of the diary where he had left the show and had asked Gary if he could go to one of Howard's birthday shows. He said Gary called him back and told him he'd have to sit with the Wack Pack if he went. Steve thought that was insane and couldn't believe that. He said he did go to the party and he thought that Howard didn't care that he was there. He claims he saw him mouth the words ''Oh who cares'' when Robin told him that Grillo was there.
Steve found the passage from his diary and read through it... or tried to. He wasn't able to read his own handwriting. In the passage he writes about how Howard blew him off. He said that pissed him off when Howard blew him off that day at the party. Howard told Steve that it wasn't about him, it was a big show they were doing that day and he didn't have a lot of time to spend on him that day. Steve said he ''wasn't mad no more'' about that and has moved on. He said he just wanted a ''what's up'' from Howard back then. He couldn't even get that. Howard tried to explain to him what he was trying to do that day and how he didn't have time to say hello to him.
Steve said that he found a note that he had sent to Howard back when he had decided to leave the show. He said he asked Howard not to read it on the air but he went ahead and did. He found the letter and the part in his diary about that day when Howard read it. Steve was upset that Howard had read the letter that day and wrote about it. Howard heard that and said he'd actually let Steve do an hour long show where he reads from his diary. He doesn't even want him to figure out what he actually wrote, he wants him to stumble over it the way he was this morning.
Steve read another excerpt from his diary where he complained about Gary treating him like crap. Howard told him he sounded very bitter in those excerpts and he's surprised he didn't go around shooting everyone. Grillo said he felt like no one had his back at that time. Howard said the thinks that he's on to something reading it on the air.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Grillo must be huge because he's breathing heavy. Jimmy said it sounded like a pool raft leaking air or something. Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said that he would put up two grand to send him to the hospital and then hung up. No one knew what he was talking about though.
Howard said they gave Steve a few minutes to do a demo radio show and he managed to interview Jodi Foster but it was horrible. Howard said it was awful but Steve thought it was really good. Howard asked Steve what happened to his hair plugs. Steve said that he had this Dr. Bernstein take them out and he did an amazing job at it. He talked about how bad the plugs turned out when he got them years ago. Robin also pointed out that he's got a bunch of tattoos on him now too. Steve said he's going to get a bunch more. He showed the guys what he had on his back and it was some kind of monster or something. Howard told him he looks silly and he thinks he looks bored doing stuff like that.
Gary said that they have the Jodi Foster interview to listen to if he wants. Steve said he has a good idea for a radio show where he has normal people review movies instead of these pompous assholes like they have on TV now. Howard asked Jimmy what he thinks about all of this. Jimmy was trying to talk to him but he was breathing heavy into the microphone. Jimmy said that he thinks that Steve should do his movie reviews in the theater, while the movie is playing, very loud.
Howard played Steve's review of ''The Departed'' to show just how awful he was at doing movie reviews himself. He only had a minute to review so he was rushing, he had no script and he wasn't allowed to practice it. Artie said he thought it was hilarious. Howard played the interview he did with Jodi Foster for his test show. Howard let that play for a minute but then cut it off and said no one knew what they were talking about. He told Steve that he wanted to give him some advice but Steve wasn't listening to him. He told Steve he's very worried about him because he's overweight, breathing heavy and getting awful tattoos. Steve said that his friend Needles doesn't deserve that, he's a great artist. Howard told Steve that he looks like he fell asleep and kids drew all over him with those tattoos.
Jimmy thinks that Steve would be great with Riley Martin on his show. Steve asked if he could do another show or not. Howard told him he'd talk to Tim Sabean and get him a show. He then took some phone calls and let the fans go off on him. One guy said he'd rather hear Eric the Midget talking for an hour before he'd want to hear Grillo for 1 minute. High Pitch Eric called in and told Grillo he's a fag. He also said hello to Jimmy and told him he loves his show. Howard told Jimmy that Eric has gout now. Artie said that Eric just eats and does nothing all day so that's why he has gout.
Howard asked Eric when he last paid rent. Eric said it was about 6 months ago but then he tried to change subjects by pitching a cooking show that he and Mariann from Brooklyn could have. Howard hung up on him and got back to Steve. He told him that he will try to get him that show. He gave him a plug for this Too Hotties thing but he didn't seem to know what he was plugging. Steve threw in some other plugs but Howard didn't understand what he was saying there either so he goofed on him about that. Fred broke into his Grillo impression and rambled some of the same lines that he had just said and goofed on him for a short time. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Howard told Jimmy it was nice to have him there today. Jimmy said he and Sarah listen to the show a lot but he's never been able to figure out why Sour Shoes is called ''Sour Shoes.'' He said it's an odd name and it's kind of gross if you think about it. JD came in and said that one of the interns told him that he puts on his shoes after he gets done swimming and he also likes sour candy so that's where the Sour Shoes thing came from. Howard didn't get what he was saying and wondered why he doesn't call himself Swimming Shoes or something like that. JD said he was just telling them what the intern told him. He told them not to shoot the messenger.
Howard asked Jimmy why he's filling in for Regis. Jimmy said he thinks that he's just on vacation for the week. He really wasn't sure but he said he thinks that Regis is nuts for going back to work as quick as he did after his open heart surgery. Howard said no one would come back as fast as he did. He said that Regis was recently asked about Kathie Lee Gifford and had some stuff to say about her. He played some edited clips from his audio book that made it sound like he was saying that she likes cock and dog cock. Howard told Jimmy he should bring those drops with him when he covers for Regis tomorrow.
Howard said that he heard that ABC posted some posters outside the Letterman studio that said ''Did You Jimmy Last Night'' and Vinnie Favale, or someone there, actually went out and painted them black. Howard said he wanted to get Vinnie on the phone to talk about that. Then he caught a whiff of Artie's French toast that smelled really good. Artie said that he was going to go into the healthy thing tomorrow so he's splurging today. Howard wanted to weigh him in again today but Artie wanted to finish eating first.
Howard said he's really worried about Artie because of the weight gain and all of that. That somehow led to Jimmy talking about how he managed to get John Ritter's old school to put his name on the list of alumni after leaving it off. Howard said that Jimmy really has a thing for Ritter and played a clip from his show where he broke down and cried over his death one night. In the clip Jimmy says that he knows Howard Stern is going to play the clip and make fun of him.
Howard let a caller go off on Jimmy over his crying. Jimmy said he once cried on The Man Show when their announcer died. He said he's not good at holding in his emotions. Howard told him he'd better cry a lot when he dies. Jimmy said that he's very loyal to his network and won't cry over anyone dying from other networks.
A caller asked Howard if he would take an 11:30 slot on ABC when he retires from SIRIUS. Howard said he might do an interview show but he wouldn't want to do one of those shows like Letterman and Jimmy do. He's not interested in doing that. He said that Jimmy can stick to that.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Sarah Silverman is really hot in a dirty kind of way and Beth is really smokin' hot so he's wondering if Jimmy has ever rubbed one out thinking about Beth or if Howard has rubbed one out to Sarah. Howard and Jimmy both said they haven't done that. Jimmy said that he has rubbed one out while listening to the radio show though. He said he likes when women call in with sex stories. Howard said they should get more of that kind of stuff on the air.
Howard said he thinks that Jimmy has seen Beth in a bikini, he knows he's seen Sarah in one. Jimmy said that she's actually on the cover of Maxim magazine which should be out tomorrow. That led to the guys talking about Sarah for a couple of minutes. Howard said that she's got a problem buying anything other than rugby shirts when she goes clothes shopping. Jimmy said it's kind of a pain because she can't shop for anything else. Howard was saying that he couldn't wait to go see her in a bikini when he heard she was in one. Jimmy also talked about the fine coat of hair Sarah has on her body and hoe he likes to comb it and brush it.
Artie asked Jimmy when he met Sarah for the first time and when he made his first move on her. He said they kind of met at a roast they did together. Artie was there as well so he asked if that's when he made his first move. Jimmy said it was actually a long time after that. jimmy said that he and Sarah got together about 4 and a half years ago. He said they became friends first and then hooked up. She was doing crank calls for ''Crank Yankers'' around that time so that's how they became friends.
The caller on the line said that it has to be intimidating to bang Sarah because she seems like the type who would make fun of your pecker. Howard said he'd be worried about that because she's always making observations about stuff. Robin said if they ever break up she's got to use material like that for her stand-up comedy.
Howard had Vinnie Favale on the phone so Howard asked him about the billboard that ABC put up. Jimmy told Vinnie that he wasn't too happy about that billboard being put up. Vinnie was trying to tell Howard about what was going on but his cell phone kept cutting out so he said he'd call back on a hard line.
Steve brought up Jennifer from Win Fred's Money from last week. He said that they are the couple who have admitted to have created and profited from creating a fake Howard Stern profile on Myspace. He said they claimed to have just done it for fun and not for profit.
Howard had Vinnie Favale back on the line so he asked him about the ABC thing. Jimmy said he didn't know about the billboard that went up over there in front of the Ed Sullivan theater. Jimmy said he didn't know about it until after the show. Vinnie said that he had to have known about it. Vinnie said he took care of it for him and said that he had someone paint black all over it. Jimmy said it was humiliating for him because he loves Dave. He said that he talked to the people who did it. jimmy claimed that it was bought and paid for but Vinnie said it was on plywood and they couldn't have paid for it. Jimmy insisted that they did pay for it.
Vinnie asked to get a quick plug in and said that he's producing a Elvis Costello concert on the web tonight and you can find that on the Letterman web site.
Howard let Vinnie go and had Jon Hein give his Wrap Up Show preview. Jon said they'll be talking about Jimmy's appearance on the show today and how he may have gotten Eric the Midget to finally fly with balloons. He also said that they'll talk about Hanson doing the show today. That led to Howard playing some of their album since he hadn't done that when the guys were in earlier. He played some of their song ''Blue Sky'' but said he wasn't going to play the whole song now. Jon got back to his preview and brought up Steve Grillo's visit today and said they'll talk about that today.
Jimmy said he likes what Howard has done with his two channels because he's got all of these shows all about him. He said it's quite a soap opera there. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
There was another story about who people love the most in their lives so that led to Robin asking the guys who they love the most. Artie said he'd have to say his sister because that's probably what his mother would want him to say. Jimmy said he loves his kids the most. Howard asked Robin who she loves the most. She said it's her nephew but he thinks that it's actually him. He also thinks that Fred loves him the most as well. Fred said he does love Howard the most outside of his family. Howard thinks that Fred would say that to him in private if he could. Fred said he loves his daughter the most out of anyone in this world. He said he loves his daughter like Artie loves a pizza. Howard thinks that next to his kid, Fred loves him the most. He said the same about Robin and how she couldn't have loved her mother or father and thinks that she loves him the most.
Gary came in and said he had a pretty cool clip from Rosie O'Donnell's blog. He said that they sent her a radio to listen to the show and she's very excited about it. In the clip Rosie is talking to a couple of friends of her in the green room of The View. Rosie talked about how big her head is and how Howard used to call her a pumpkin head which led to her talking about how she got a free radio from Howard Stern and how she's going to have her radio hooked up in her car. Another woman in the room told her to listen for at least 10 hours, not just one hour, because a little bit isn't enough to get a feel for it.
Jimmy said that Rosie hates him. He said they used to goof on her back on The Man Show and she wasn't too happy about that. Artie did his joke about looking like Rosie when he said that a lot of people came up to him while the Donald Trump thing was going on and told him that Trump was an asshole and they were on her side.
Jimmy Kimmel complained about the people at a particular Duane Reed store he goes to when he visits New York City. He said that he went in there last night to buy some toothpaste and gum and the cashier just looked at him as she was hanging her plastic bags on the metal hooks they mount on. Then she went to the back and got some more bags while he stood there. He said he asked her if her register was even open. She said she was and eventually checked him out, gave him his change and didn't say a word to him. He said it seems to be just that one store that is so bad in the city though.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about how things keep getting better for Oprah Winfrey. She just got an honorary doctorate from Howard University. He said he had audio from the show to play thanks to JD who had pulled some clips. Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about that and how special Oprah thinks she is for being honored by ''her own.''
Howard played the clip where Oprah is crying and talking about getting this honorary doctorate saying that there's nothing better than being honored by ''her own.'' Then he played a clip of her talking to the students there at Howard University. Howard cut it off and talked about how awful her speeches really are. He said she sounds important but she doesn't really say anything profound. He goofed on her doing an impression of her making her lame speeches.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Oprah only got that honorary doctorate because she gave some money to the school. He also aids that they had to turn away some of the parents of the students who were graduating because Oprah was there giving her speech. Howard got back to the audio clips of Oprah talking to the students and telling them that they deserved to be there that day. She broke into her ''street speak'' at one point and said something about how she knew there was going to be some partying going on there.
Oprah talks to the students telling them not to worry about anything and to just relax and take a deep breath because God has got their backs. Howard said that they'd better get off their asses because God isn't going to get them a job. Oprah tells the students not to be afraid and that there is no failure, just God pointing people in different directions. Robin said she's seen failure and pointed out that people sleeping in the subway might be failures.
Howard interrupted again and goofed on Oprah for stealing Phil Donohue's show format and how maybe that's what the students should do to become successful. He asked Robin if she wanted to hear more or if she had heard enough. Robin said she wanted to hear more. Howard took a call from a guy who asked how long he thinks it'll be before Oprah calls herself ''Dr. Oprah.'' Howard said he doesn't think she's as nuts as Bill Cosby who calls himself a doctor. Howard said he would go around calling himself doctor if he got an honorary doctorate. He said he'd do a whole study about the Sybian and talk about his gay character ''Out of the closet Stern'' among other things.
Howard said he liked how Oprah got herself a doctorate by giving that school some money and now she's telling the students to wait for God to get them a job. He got back to the audio clips and continued to listen to Oprah going on about how she had come from good stock and how her grandmother helped point her in the right direction. Howard cut it off and said he thought that she was raped by her family and wondered how she came from good stock if that was the case. Robin said that her grandmother was one of the family members who didn't do anything to her.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one guy said that it's ridiculous that they just hand Oprah a doctorate like that. Another caller said he's been trying to call for weeks to talk about this subject. He said he works at a Mail Boxes Etc. in New York City and claims that Oprah has a box there where she accepts doctor-like supplies. Howard had to bail out of the call because the guy was going on a little too long. He didn't seem to believe the story either.
Howard got back to the Oprah audio where she had just finished bragging that she had good white people working for her. She also repeated that God has got their backs thing. Oprah then talks about the 8 years she spent in Baltimore and how she was unhappy being a TV news reporter. She talked about her father and how his voice saved her from that. Howard wondered who in her family had raped her if her father was on her good side too. Robin said that it was apparently her mother who left the door open for people to rape her and her father was the one who saved her.
Oprah told the students not to worry about anything because success will take care of itself. She said that their integrity is not for sale. Howard said that Julia Child was the commencement speaker at his graduation and he remembers not understanding a word she said as she made her speech. He also said he can hear his father going off on the school for letting a chef give a speech at a communications school speech. He went into his impression of his father and talked about what he might have said that day.
Howard played some edited clips of Oprah saying things in her book on tape. He had her talking about sexual stuff and things like that. He'd also play some cheering clips to make it sound like she was at the commencement speech at the college. Howard also made his own commencement speech where he was talking about the Sybian and the women who have ridden it. He said he really has to go make a speech at a college now that he knows exactly what to day. He said he knew that if he put a small, black midget in a Superman outfit, he knew he would succeed. Robin told him he could say that God put those people in his path to help make him successful.
Robin said something about the school where JD went called Full Sail so that led to them talking about how Howard could give his speech there. JD came in and said that the school is down in Florida and the logo for the school has an airplane in it. Robin figured that it was a sailing school or something like that.
Howard played a clip where Oprah tells the students that she was told to change her name when she was working in Baltimore and they suggested ''Suzy.'' She decided to keep her name and take her chances with it. Howard said she lucked out in her career by going against the white man. He said she sounds all angry and defiant in her speech. Robin said she got the suggestion to change her name too but she's not going around bragging that she kept it. Howard said that was about enough of Oprah but then played a little more of her speech. Robin said she could bring the rest of it home to listen to there if she wanted more.
Howard played a prank call that Sal made to a shop asking them to say ''Olive Blackock.'' After that he went through the list of names again and tried to figure out who is going to have the worst life. When he came across JD, he immediately said that he will be the one. He said that JD is training to watch TV for a living and he's pretty sure he won't be able to find a job doing that.
Gary came in and said that there's a rumor going around about JD and he may have been trying to find a job with Jimmy Kimmel since he has people who watch TV for him. JD said that might be partly true and he was coming in to show Howard some extra clips yesterday. Howard told JD that he's retarded. That led to Howard and Fred goofing on him about how he watches 7 TiVos at the same time back in his office.
JD said that he did get a lot of stuff pulled yesterday but he's pretty sure Howard didn't play any of it. Howard said he did that to make sure Jimmy didn't steal him away. JD said he thinks that he might have been able to gone into the editing field if he wasn't working there. Other than that he's not sure what he'd be doing now. Howard told him he does have a talent doing what he does.
JD said he would like to make a short film or something some day but he gets stuck at the idea for the movie. He said that things don't flesh out fully when it comes to that stuff. Howard told him that the Howard TV guys have said they'll post anything he makes on Howard TV. JD said he knows that, but things just haven't worked out for him yet.
Howard said that he can see Fred continuing to work as an announcer. Gary seems to be a producer of sorts and he could probably get a job somewhere. He wondered if Gary has ever been approached for other jobs. Gary said ''no'' and explained how people have told him that he's never been given offers because people know how committed he is to the show. He knows that's bullshit but he goes with it. Gary said he did consult with some shows on MTV and the Curtis and Lisa Sliwa show asked him to move over there years ago but he turned that offer down.
Howard said he worries about Benjy but he can write jokes. Sal and Richard are go-getters and are funny so they'll have something going on in 3 years just in case he retires. Howard said that Ralph he may have to continue to employ somehow. He said he'll have to continue dressing like he's on TV every day so Ralph will have something to do. Howard said maybe he'll hire JD to tape all of his TV shows for him so he doesn't have to worry about that.
where he can download movies to his TiVo. He said he downloaded this movie The Holiday and it was horrible in the beginning. About halfway through he said it got good and it was a great chick flick. He said that Beth asked him to record ''How I Met Your Mother'' because it was the season finale. He said he realized that he couldn't tape it because he was taping Dancing with the Stars. He had stopped watching ''How I Met Your Mother'' because he thought it got really bad. He said he was able to get a copy though so he didn't need Gary's copy when he made that available.
Howard said that he had a bunch of stuff to get to but he might have to take a break. Robin asked him if he's still playing chess. He said he's kind of been doing poorly at the game and has been slacking off a little lately. He said that he went up a little bit and then started losing so he went down a couple of levels. He said he learns more when he goes down though so that helped his game.
Howard got back to goofing on Oprah a little more. He was making fun of the comments she was making about God having everyone's back and making up some stuff she could have said in that speech of hers. He was also goofing on Artie for not showing up to work today because he was busy with that ''Rescue Me'' thing. He went to break a short time later.
Howard said he was watching ''Employee of the Month'' and Andy was very good in the movie. He said that he was funny every time he was on the screen. Lisa said that Andy read her some of his jokes and it's a good thing they're on satellite. Howard said it's going to be a great roast because Andy is fearful of Lisa Lampanelli who is going to rip him apart.
Lisa said she spoke to Sour Shoes about how he got his name. She said that he used to put his wet feet in wet shoes and his mother would tell him how sour they smelled so his friends would make fun of him over that so that's how he got the name. She also said that they have a new Page 69 segment during the news. They will be talking about Jason and Will have uncovered Gary's ''Barely 18'' magazines in his locked file cabinet. Gary said he doesn't have a stash of them of his own. He said he has looked at the magazines but he doesn't have a stash of them. Howard said he'd like to see them himself. He said the girls in that magazine are mostly 30 years old anyway. Gary said they put a 30 year old in pigtails and all of a sudden she's ''barely 18.''
Howard played a new Baba Booey song parody and said that Sal was out there goofing on Gary in his Baba Booey mask pretending to jerk off to ''Barely 18.''
Jimmy said that they have 14 million readers for Maxim so the stars do the magazines because they know they're going to get exposure. He mentioned some of the names of the stars who have been in there lately and they're mainstream stars who don't usually do nudity. He said that they don't usually take the stars who have gotten naked before. Howard asked him who they won't put on the cover. Jimmy mentioned names like Oprah Winfrey and Roseanne Barr. He said they try not to burn anyone because you never know when they might be hot again.
Howard asked who has been on the cover of the magazine the most. Jimmy said that they've had Christina Aguilera on a few times and she's sold very well. Carmen Electra and Pam Anderson have also been on a few times. He said that they will put anyone who is looking hot on the cover. Howard asked Jimmy if any stars look awful in person but photograph great. He didn't want to bad mouth anyone and didn't say anything about anyone in particular.
Howard said there's a really hot chick on The Sopranos this season and he think that she's one of the hottest chicks he's ever seen. Jimmy wasn't sure who she was but he said they'll have to find out and put her in the magazine.
Howard asked Jimmy about this Hot 100 List that's making it's appearance in Maxim starting tomorrow. Jimmy said that it's a list of women who are hot in the entertainment industry. Howard asked about the top 10 women and Fergie is number 10. That led to Fred talking about what a horse face she is for a few seconds. That led to Gary saying that she hates Howard. Howard told the story why she hates him so much. He went to a party for this woman Esthero one time. He said that it was years ago when the Black Eyed Peas were still kind of unknown. He said she was singing for them with Fergie. Howard said that Esthero was much better and he said that on the air. He said that Esthero sounded better but wasn't hot like Fergie was. Fergie got upset that he was saying her singing wasn't all that great and that's when she became anti-Howard Stern.
Howard asked Jimmy about the rest of the top 10 and found out that Eva Longoria is number 9. Howard said he's not getting that one either. Number 8 was Rihana. Howard said he saw her once when Jay-Z introduced him. He said she was hot. Next up was Eva Mendez but Howard didn't know what the difference was between her and Eva Longoria. Next up was Ali Larter who is on Heroes. Howard said he thinks she looks like she could fuck and suck like you wouldn't believe. They talked about her for a short time and how hot they think she is.
Number 5 was Jessica Biel and Howard said he just doesn't get that. He said he doesn't see it there. Fred said that she was hot in a movie he saw one time. Jimmy said that number 4 is Christina Aguilera. Howard agreed with him on that one. They spent a little bit of time talking about how beautiful she is. Number 3 was Scarlett Johansson. Howard said she is gorgeous. Number 2 was Jessica Alba. Howard said he's never felt anything for her before. Jimmy said that was insane. He said that she's so hot. Howard said he wouldn't kick her out of bed but he's not a fan. Fred said that she's stunningly beautiful but very non-sexual. Howard said that's what he thinks too. The number one woman on the list is Lindsay Lohan. Howard said he agrees there. He said she's gettable and she looks great. The guy spent a little time talking about her and how she might not be the hottest chick but she is sexy and seems to be gettable.
Howard said he was glad to see that Angelina Jolie wasn't in the top 10 this year. He also said that some women were dropped from the list completely. He read through those names and talked about each of them. Kelly Clarkson was one. Howard said she was looking good for a while but now she's gained back the weight she'd lost. Paris Hilton was dropped from the list so Jimmy explained how she's kind of annoyed people. Teri Hatcher didn't make it into the top 100 this year. jimmy said she's annoying and there's just too much information out there about her. She's the girl who doesn't shut her mouth when you're out to dinner. Howard read that Bridget Moynihan has been dropped as well as Jennifer Aniston. Howard has always said she wasn't that hot. Jimmy said that she might be back on the list some day, it's not just about being hot, you have to have something going on in your career.
Howard said that Ashlee Simpson is on the list for the first time and she's actually ahead of her sister Jessica. Howard agrees with that because Jessica seems to be losing her looks. He wrapped up with Jimmy a short time later. Jimmy said that they have Sarah Silverman on the cover of the latest issue so people should pick that up. Howard said that Jimmy is going to be on Maxim Radio today on channel 108 talking more about that stuff. He said they're also having a party for the magazine. Howard said he won't be going to the party but when Jimmy said they do have some of the girls there, he said he might have to go.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Jimmy about the pictures they have of these celebrities. Jimmy was saying that hey get pictures of celebrities with awful scars and stuff but they never print those. He told Howard that if he wants to stop by the offices and check them out, he can do that. Howard said he might have to do that some day. He went to break a short time later.
Howard read through a few more e-mails and said people were all over the place in the mail. One person said Robin was interrupting too much on the show lately. That writer said that Robin and Artie were interrupting far too much lately. Some people were upset that Hanzi was on the phone for a half hour. He got a few e-mails about that but he thought that Hanzi was actually good.
Howard said some people have pointed out that Artie has been getting weird with Lisa G lately. One day he'll call her a cunt and the next day he's kissing her ass. Howard read through some mail about Steve Grillo's appearance on the show yesterday. People liked his appearance and some people want to hear more of him. Someone wrote in and said that Jimmy Kimmel looks like William Hung. Robin didn't think that was the case.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who said that they shouldn't let Eric get away with not flying with balloons if they send him to American Idol. Howard said they know that he'll back out of it somehow, they expect that from him.
Howard said he got a letter from someone who said that Mark Burnett has announced a new show called The Pirate Master and the writer said he's always dreamed of being a pirate. Howard said he had to laugh when he read that line. He said if you want to be a pirate, go out and be one. He said he's never heard of someone who really wanted to be one. He said that no one ever dreams of being a pirate. He said it's a guy who likes to steal things out on the open seas. He said no one wants to do that... although Imus does want to be a cowboy, so maybe there are some pirate wannabes out there.
Howard said that Rikki Lake is on the cover of Us magazine and she claims that she's down to 123 pounds but he doesn't believe it. He said she does look better but she doesn't look good enough to be in a bathing suit.
Eric said that it would ruin the show if it was fixed like Howard claimed it was. Howard said he still thinks it's fixed. Howard played some clips from The Wrap Up Show where the guys talked about Eric not being trustworthy. Gary said he knows that Eric won't come through and fly with balloons, he'll back out on some technicality. Howard said everyone thinks it, not just him. Eric said that's the opinion of his dumb-assed staff.
Howard said that Jimmy Kimmel is going to come through with the tickets to the season finale of American Idol and get him on the Jimmy Kimmel show and he will probably back out of the balloon flying thing. Howard said that Eric is a liar because he lied about voting for Sanjaya. Eric said he's not a liar, he was just pulling a prank on Howard. Howard kept asking him if he's a liar or not but Eric would not answer the question. He kept saying that he didn't lie, he just lied about the one thing.
Howard asked Eric how he knows that he's not lying again. Eric said that because he's saying it now, it's not a lie... ''you big nosed bastard.'' Howard said he knows that Eric could come through and say that this was all just another prank after they get him into the American Idol thing. They have no reason to believe that he's telling the truth now.
Eric said that there is no an outside person involved with the whole thing and he won't lie. Howard told him that he has a lot to think about. He told him ''Liar, liar, PJ Pants on fire...'' and then accidentally hung up on him. He said he was trying to lock him in on the phone bank but he hit the wrong button.
Howard took a call but he told Gary he has problems with his phones that he may heed Gary to help him out with. He got Eric back on the line a few seconds later. Fred got in on the whole liar thing saying that Eric lied about the whole Sanjaya voting thing. A caller told Howard about another lie that Eric told on the show but Howard had forgotten about it. Gary reminded him that it was about Eric saying he would never call the show again. He couldn't stay away. Eric said he called in because Howard never stops talking about him. Robin told him he could just stop listening to the show. Eric said if he doesn't hear it on air, he'd hear it from some...body else. Howard let him go a short time later and said he thinks he might rename Eric ''Eric The Lying Midget Actor.''
Howard spent a few minutes talking about how great Pat was and how much fun he seemed to be on the show. He said he was kind of angry with Robin because she didn't come through for him when he asked her to let him feel her up. Robin denied Pat the chance to do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Ozzy was going to be coming in to do the show. Howard said he's not sure why but Ozzy isn't booked for his show but he's doing a bunch of others. He asked Gary what was going on there. Gary didn't even know he was in town. Howard said that it would appear that he's blown them off this time. He said he kind of helped Ozzy out years ago but he knows he didn't put him on the map or anything.
The caller also asked Fred why he's never done Jeopardy. Fred said they're out in L.A. So he just never thought about it. That got Howard talking about Artie again and how he's blowing off this job to do ''Rescue Me.'' He said that this job is better than working on some TV show like that and he can't understand why he'd miss this show to do ''Rescue Me.''
Howard said he had Ozzy Osbourne (Billy Mira) on the phone to explain why he's not on the show. Howard asked Ozzy why he's not on the show this week. Ozzy told Howard that he does what Sharon tells him to do and that's it. He said he'd be on tomorrow if he was told to. He said he's on his way to do some internet radio show or something right now. Anything but the Howard Stern Show. Howard told Ozzy to tell Sharon that he's the boss of his life. Ozzy did that and told her to go fuck herself. Howard thanked Ozzy for the call and let him go after that.
Howard got back to the phone caller who asked to play this laughing game they started to play last week. Howard had gone off on Gary for screwing it up last week but it was supposed to have been fixed. Howard waited for Gary to come in with the game and played a clip of Bill O'Reilly pushing his ''No Spin Zone'' pen and how the proceeds apparently go to charity. Howard said that's a bunch of bullshit and they just say that to sell crap. He said he's pretty sure that Bill is making money on that crap too.
Howard played a clip from a sporting event where a reporter was talking about this Under Armor stuff and asked a fan about it. The guy said he was having a ''fucking great time'' which went out live over the air. Howard told Fred he has to put that clip at the beginning of the show.
Howard played a new song from the Bleeding Deacons. They crated a gay song about Sal and Richard to the theme of the Happy Days song. Howard said they also came up with a ''Gay Papa'' song about Sal that he had played the other day. He replayed that as well.
Howard said those guys should go on this new TV show that's coming out where they look for America's next great band. He said they should perform that ''Sal's A Gay Papa'' song and see how it goes over. He thinks it's that good.
Howard got back to the caller and said he was going to be playing for $500. He played a laugh and the guy guessed that it was Richard. Howard knew it was Big Foot as soon as he heard it. The caller got it wrong. He had to get 3 out of 5 so he still had a few more chances. The second clip was Crackhead Bob and the caller missed that one as well. Howard played number 3 and that was Elegant Elliot Offen. The caller got that one. Howard played the next clip but the caller didn't know who it was. Robin didn't recognize it. Howard gave the caller a pass on that one because it was kind of tough. The next one was Gary the Retard but the caller guessed it was Elliot Offen. Howard thought it was Elephant Boy at first but knew it was Gary after a couple of listens. The final one was Elephant Boy and the caller guessed it right so Howard gave him the $500 courtesy of the DVD release of ''Porky's.''
Dee said that they don't play often at all but the Christmas album they made turned out to be a hit. He said they kept it together and they're going to do another video and a bunch of promotion. They're going to be doing this Rocklahoma thing where they have 25 hair bands from the 80s for one big concert event. He said bands like Poison, Ratt, Winger, Dokken and many others are going to be there. He said that some of the guys still look good in those bands. Howard said it would make a great movie if someone tried to kill all of the hair bands from the 80s. He said they'd have to live in a world with no hair bands. Dee said that no one would care if that happened.
Howard asked Dee if he hangs out with those guys from the other bands when they do concerts like that. Dee said that he never did in the past and he's pretty sure that those guys don't like him now. He said he does a radio show where he makes fun of all of those guys, and himself. He said he had Kip Winger come up to him one day and started to flick his chest saying he knew what he was saying about him but when he did that, he realized he was in shape and didn't mess with him.
Howard said that he's seen this video on YouTube where Dee knocks a guy out. Dee said ''no comment'' about that at first but he did talk about it a little bit. Howard played the video for Dee and Dee said he has been in situations like that and it could very well have been him in the video. Howard explained what was going on in the video and talked about how Dee beat the crap out of the guy.
Dee talked about how it's not good to have a guy just come up to you and punch you in the face. He said he had to take that guy down after that. Howard took a call from a guy who claims he put a camera in Dee's face down in Puerto Rico and Dee wasn't to happy about that. He said he did get some good shots of Dee's wife in a bikini and he did wank off to her after getting those.
Dee said that his wife wanted to come up with his daughter who is 10 but he told her that she doesn't want to hear Howard talking about this kind of stuff. Howard heard that Dee had renewed his vows with his wife recently so he asked him what was up with that. Dee said they've been married for 25 years and together for 30 years so they wanted to do this thing. They had this whole gothic ceremony at the end of one of their shows. He said he was wearing some really hot stuff and looked smokin'. He said that Penn Jillette performed the ceremony out there and they did it during one of his shows. He said they took it seriously and got new rings and stuff like that.
Howard said Dee makes the marriage thing look easy. Dee said that their relationship is hotter than it was back in the day. He said he never thought that was possible but it works for him and his wife. He said his kids give him a hard time about their public display of affection because they're still all over each other. Dee said he wouldn't change that if he could go back and do it all over again. Dee said the one thing he'd like to do differently was his career. He said that he'd like to be a football player.
Howard gave Dee a plug for this March of Dimes motorcycle ride he's doing this weekend. He said you can find out more on DeeSnider.com. Dee said he raised a lot of money thanks to Howard the last time he promoted a thing like that. A caller asked Dee if he's still riding a Borget motorcycle. Dee said he's actually riding a Von Dutch custom now. He said they're kind of like Harley's for those who don't know much about motorcycles. Dee said that he is afraid of getting hit by some idiot out there. Robin said she read a story about a guy who got run over by a truck and has nothing wrong with him because he was wearing a helmet.
Howard asked Dee why he wore a Leatherface mask the day his daughter was born. Dee said it was on Halloween, and it was fun, that's why he did it. Howard joked that he wore black face to his kid's birth. He got back to the plugs for Dee and mentioned the March of Dimes thing again.
A caller asked Dee about his Strangeland movie and if there was going to be a sequel. Dee said he's been working on it for years but ran into some legal problems for a while. They're still working on making that happen though. Howard took some more phone calls and let Dee's fans talk to him. One guy said that Dee gave him a black eye one time but it was something he was very proud of. He said he was happy he'd gotten punched in the face.
One caller said that they really should do a special about the Rocklahoma thing to get video of the hair band guys who have gotten fat and bloated. Howard said he'd like to see something like that. Another caller said that Dee was wild in that YouTube video where he beats the crap out of that other guy. Howard watched that video again and said it was amazing when Dee picked the guy up and threw him down on the ground. He punches him repeatedly and just picks him up to beat him some more. Howard said it's a beautiful clip and he shouldn't be ashamed. Dee said he really didn't remember doing it but it could have been him because he did have those pants back then.
Dee said that he's been listening to the Mastertape Theatre stuff lately and they played the old London shows. He explained what happened there and how he got into a fight in one of the bars they were hanging out at. Dee said that they were taking turns singing and some people said some shit about them so Dee ran out, took care of business, and got back on stage in time to sing his next verse. Howard said he remembers Dee flying like Superman out into the crowd and flew over two tables to get to the guys who were out there. Howard said his hair was so long it spread out like a cape when he flew across the tables.
Dee said that he got the other side of the story from the band who he was fighting. He said the band was Sigue Sigue Sputnik and they were the ones throwing stuff at them. He said they told him that when they saw him heading toward them he just kept getting bigger and bigger the closer he got.
Howard had Sour Shoes on the phone. Sour Shoes was singing some Air Supply songs for Dee and Dee said he can really sing. Howard asked Sour Shoes if he could sing any Twisted Sister songs. Sour Shoes broke into some Twisted Sister ''I Wanna Rock'' and did an impression of Dee that sounded more like a seizure to Dee. Sour Shoes did a little bit of his Scott Ferrall impression too.
Dee said that his son is doing some voice work these days. He said he's the voice of Pizza Hut, Doritos and other things. He said he's also getting married to his high school sweetheart soon. Richard Christy came in and said that he's been wanting to go to that Rocklahoma thing so he was talking to Doug Goodstein about going out there and shooting some video. Dee said that the show is going to be huge. Richard said he can't wait to see the chicks in the crowd there. Dee said that the chicks used to be 38-Ds and now they're probably 38-Longs.
Howard was going to let Sour Shoes go but he couldn't figure out what to have him play. Dee suggested he perform Aerosmith's ''Lick and a Promise'' so Sour Shoes broke into the song. Howard hung up on him in the middle of it. Howard gave Dee some plugs for all of the stuff he's involved with. Dee mentioned this Fangoria Radio show that he does there at SIRIUS. He said he's been getting some great feedback about the show but he needs to get the word out more. Howard told him he'd do that for him. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard asked Gary how he got to New York. Gary said a doctor flew him in, the guy is letting him give away free breast implants on his show so he got in some plugs for him. Howard said that Gary has done a lot of great interviews over the years. He mentioned his Joe Pesci, Sharon Stone and other interviews. Gary said he thinks the best was Rosie O'Donnell because she was such a bitch to him. There was also the recent Lorenzo Lamas interview he did when he wasn't supposed to. Howard played that interview where Lorenzo was answering his questions no problem but a woman came over and kicked Gary out of the event. Gary getting thrown out of the event lasts just as long as his interview with Lorenzo. Howard said he didn't understand what happened there and wondered why the people hate him so much.
Howard took a call from Grover who said that he saw Gary interviewing Cris Angel and Cris started poking him on the chest when he was asked if he thought he was David Blaine or something like that. Howard said he liked Gary's interview with Leon Spinks but Howard TV had the Cris Angel audio. Howard listened to that clip where Garver asked Cris ''What do you think of that guy Cris Angel who stole your material?'' as if he were David Blaine. Gary said he had to shove Cris after he hit him in the face. Howard said Cris is a good guy so he felt kind of bad for him getting goofed on like that.
Howard gave Gary a plug for his web site and tried to read his Myspace plug but it was so long it didn't make sense. It turns out it was Myspace.com/GaryGarverLivingSingle. Howard then played Gary's classic interview with Leon Spinks. Leon was a good sport and answered all of his questions no problem. Howard said it was great to hear that guy talk and he wishes he'd come back on the show. He said it was like a whole hour of him saying ''Balaha ahbaa ahaha...''
Robin said her favorite Gary Garver interview is the one where he interviewed OJ on the golf course. Howard said he'd like for Sal and Richard to take the clips of Leon Spinks and make some prank calls. He took a call from a guy who asked Howard how annoyed he was with Artie today. Howard said he's really not annoyed at all. He said that he and Artie have an agreement that he can do stuff like this when he feels he needs to. Howard said he agreed to that deal so he's really not annoyed. He said he really doesn't understand why he thinks that ''Rescue Me'' is more important than this job though. He said that he could have told them that this job is more important than ''Rescue Me'' is. He thinks that Artie might be kind of enamored with the show even though there are probably 4 people watching that show. He said Artie has done other TV shows and this radio show has to be more fun than jobs like that.
Howard asked Gary if he's getting laid at all these days. Gary said he and his wife are cool now. Howard thought he went kind of mental for a while because he was out quoting the bible and stuff like that. Gary said he's getting some hotties out in Los Angeles these days. He's doing just fine. Howard told Gary that running after his ex-wife quoting the bible is just the wrong thing to do. Baba Booey heard that Gary has turned around completely and has been hanging around in the porn world lately. Gary said he has been getting some chicks but he didn't want to say who he's been banging. He said he's got some good friends in the porn world thanks to Howard. He won't say who the girls were though.
Jeff said he has to come back to the hospital in a few months to stay for a few more weeks. They're going to do a skin graft from his thigh to his ass and that's going to be very painful. He'll have to stay in the hospital for a few weeks for that. Howard said that the original ass blister is up on Howard TV and they also have some other good stuff up there this week. He mentioned a bunch of the shows that are up there now.
Howard wondered what bone that awful infection had spread to in Jeff's ass. Jeff said that it must be his ass bone but Robin said it was probably his hip. Jeff said that they have him on all kinds of good drugs to drown out the pain. He's not sure if they dug down into the bone or not.
Jeff asked if he could get a copy of his Birthday show on DVD. Howard told him no problem. Jeff also asked for Howard's autograph on something. Howard said he'd do that, then he heard that they had already sent it out in the mail. Howard let Jeff go and said that was ''Jeff the Half-Assed Drunk'' since he'd just had half of his ass removed.
Howard played another clip where this Vanessa Laine said some anti-Semitic things in her interview. Gary was asking her if she trusts the Jews when she said that she doesn't and said that they're cheap. She also said that she probably wouldn't sleep with a Jew. She also talked about giving oral to a woman who was on her period one time which made the guys gag a little bit.
Howard said he couldn't believe that Brandy chick had leveled him saying he wasn't good looking. He wrapped up with Gary after that and gave him some more plugs for his web site, internet TV show and all of that stuff.
Howard asked Steve if he thinks he's a good looking guy. Steve said he was but then stumbled when he was asked if he thinks he looks better than Gary Garver. In the middle of that discussion Gary mentioned that he's charging $5 per month for his TV show. Gary said that it's actually $4.95 and he knows that no one is going to subscribe. Howard wondered if his people know that no one is going to sign up for that. Gary was laughing hysterically saying he knows no one is going to sign up, but he'd be happy with a few people. Howard asked how often the shows are happening. Gary said he's doing a show per week.
Howard said some of his guys went on Gary's web site and no one is on his message board. He heard that Gary had one post on there and it was Gary who posted. Gary said that wasn't true, he hasn't posted anything on there himself. Howard told him to chart how many subscribers he has on his web site. Gary laughed and said that it'll probably be 3 people. He said if it doesn't work out he'll just move on and do something else. Fred kept playing the ''0.0'' audio clip from Animal House that Artie always imitates.
Howard had Steve Langford get back to his news rundown. He said that Shuli will have some audio from behind the scenes at ''Rescue Me'' with Artie. They have that and more coming up today on Howard 100 News.
Jon Hein came in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll talk about Artie missing work today to go do the Rescue Me thing. They'll also talk about that Maxim Hot 100 list thing they talked about on the show earlier today. Jon mentioned a few other things they would be talking about and then Howard wrapped up and went to commercial break.
There were a bunch of TV show discussions after Robin brought up a story about NBC's fall schedule. Howard was saying that he's kind of gotten back into ''Lost'' after losing interest this season. He was also saying that he doesn't get that show ''My Name Is Earl'' and said he didn't like the one episode he saw. Robin said she's stuck with ''Lost'' all this time and agrees that it's gotten a little better lately. She said she actually liked ''My Name is Earl'' too. They talked about some of the NBC shows that have been renewed and the fact that Richard Belzer is still playing his character Munch in ''Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.'' He's been that character for many, many years. Howard said Belz asks him to go to dinner all the time but they just never do go out.
Gary told Howard that they have some audio of an interview that was done with Artie just a few minutes ago. in the clip Artie said that no one there at Rescue Me is calling him fat, questioning if he's on drugs or making fun of his grandmother over a megaphone. He also said that there aren't any guys licking other guy's nuts on the set there either. He will be back for the Andy Dick roast tomorrow though. Howard said that roast should be great and he's really looking forward to it. They wrapped up the news and ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show saying there was good news in the newspaper this morning. He didn't get to that right away, he mentioned that they had the Andy Dick roast coming up today and they've already gotten a letter from his publicist saying that she loves them but she had to resign from being his publicist yesterday. Gary came in and said that she actually just resigned this morning! Gary said they flew Andy into town and he was going to do the CW news this morning but canceled that so now they have to get him a car to get there to SIRIUS and now he's probably hated by the CW news.
Howard said he's not sure what the publicist quit over but it could have had to do with that. Artie said that he got calls from comedians around the country wanting to roast Andy. Howard asked Artie how his Rescue Me episode shoot went. He said that they actually shot 2 full episodes yesterday and they did that because he wasn't able to do two days in a row because of the roast today.
Howard asked Artie how his first day of healthy eating was. He said it got ruined because he was eating over there at the craft services and not eating healthy. He said he was talking to the people there and he was learning their family names and stuff. Robin said it's trouble when you start to learn stuff like that. Artie went on to talk about how great the craft services was over there. He had an omelet first thing there and described what he had put in there. Howard asked him if he's ever been charged for food from there because he eats so much. He said he hasn't.
Howard asked Artie if he had to take a shit there since he did eat so much. Artie said he was able to time it in a way he didn't have to shit until he got home. Howard said he's lucky that way, he's usually able to hold it in until he gets home. Artie said he gets caught in some bad situations once in a while.
Howard wanted to see what Artie was up to weight wise today. He told him to get on the scale but Gary told him that the scale wasn't set up this morning. Then he let him know they have a scale in the bathroom that they could use. Howard anted to do it but Artie really didn't want to walk all the way over there and said they could weigh him tomorrow.
Howard said he heard that Scott the Engineer was out eating cupcakes and things like that even after his diet. Scott came in and said that he took just one bite of a cupcake while he was eating a black and white cookie. Scott told Howard that he's still on a diet and not eating a whole cupcake or anything. The guys goofed on Scott about that stuff for a short time. They were talking about the shorts he wears to work in the morning. He gets changed when he gets there.
Howard said that the shorts Scott wears just kind of drape over him and he really needs to update them. He heard that Scott had some onion rings for lunch the other day. Scott said he had just one and had ordered them for the whole table. Gary came in and said that the guys Scott went out with were some lawyer friends of Doug Goodstein's. He also said that he thinks that Scott will gain weight by the end of the year. He wanted to bet Scott that he was going to be up to 245 pounds, from 218, by Christmas time. Scott didn't want to take the bet.
Howard told Artie to get on the scale that they had just brought in the studio. It wasn't the usual scale that they use in there. Gary set it up and found that Artie was right around 300 pounds. He had just eaten a cupcake so he could have come in at 299 if he hadn't eaten that. Howard said he thought Artie was going to be even heavier and have a funny weigh-in.
Howard said that Fallwell's whole life was messing with homosexuals and trying to get their rights taken away. He read the news story which pointed out that Fallwell said that 9/11 was caused by the gays and things like that. Howard said that he's also looking forward to Pat Robertson's death as well.
Howard read more of the article and would get sidetracked talking about all of the bullshit this fucker must have been into every day when he went to work. He said he was amazed that they actually found a heart in that guy. He said the guy had 22,000 members in his church so Howard called them his ''dupes'' and read through a little more of the article.
Howard had an audio clip of Tammy Faye Messner talking to Larry King about the way she found out about Fallwell's death. She made it seem like she was going to give some amazing story about how she got the news. She said she was eating in a restaurant when she got a call from her son. Wow. Tammy said she broke into tears when she heard the news but Larry pointed out that she had some nasty things to say about him in the past. She said she wished that she could have settled things with him before he died but she wasn't able to make that happen.
Howard said he liked how she said ''you're not going to believe this'' when she told that lame story. She said that's such a televangelist way of telling a story. He said if she said she was sitting on the Sybian, that would be an unbelievable story. That led to the guys making up stories that she could have told that would have been unbelievable, not that she was sitting in a restaurant eating.
Howard said he thinks that they're just trying to get rid of them and they're not pulling in any ratings over at CBS. He said he's heard that they're going to be changing the formats on the CBS stations and he thinks that this is a smokescreen for what's going on. Howard said he wouldn't be suspended over something like that because he brings in millions. He said he'd never come up with a bit where he'd think punching Condoleeza Rice in the face was funny.
Howard said that there is no such thing as free speech on radio. He said you answer to the advertisers and if you don't bring in the advertisers, you don't have an excuse for doing anything. He said that's what this is all about. He said it's actually like a big favor to those guys telling them that they're too outrageous to be on the air.
Howard read through the article about the suspension and how there's a merger that they're trying to make happen and these guys are causing some unwanted press. He he was mentioned by these guys and it always happens when these DJ-types get into trouble. He said the article claims that he's their nemesis but he said he never thinks about their show, or about them, so he's not a nemesis. He said that they might look at him as their nemesis but he couldn't care less. The article says that they've offered him a truce but he doesn't care about that. He's not involved with their drama.
The article says Howard is their worst enemy even though he's the one who opened the door for that type of broadcasting. They're asking Howard if he's with them or against them. Howard said he's neither. He's not with them, he's not against them. He also said that their biggest enemy is themselves. He told them to just do their show and have a blast. He doesn't want them to call him for help, he doesn't care what they do on their show. He said he has nothing against them, and he has no reason to join them. He told them to get some ratings on terrestrial radio or bring in some listeners over at XM and then call him when they're at the top.
Howard read that the guys apologized for the segment they did that got them into trouble. He tried to find it in the article but it turns out they got defensive when it came to the apology thing. He said that they're into some trip that he's not on. He said he's really not their nemesis but they apparently want him to be. He said that he must be their nemesis because he's so super successful and they're not. He told them to go have a good time with their show and leave him out of it.
Howard said he'd have a hard time joining guys who are talking about punching a woman in the face. He said he doesn't know if they were joking around or what was going on there. Robin also brought up another morning crew that was fired over at Free FM there in New York and how unfunny the bit was that they were doing. Artie mentioned that he threw in a joke about Imus in the episode of Rescue Me and they're going to leave that in the show. He said the line made the crew laugh and they're apparently enjoying Imus' firing so they left it in there.
Howard said that in this business you have to satisfy the advertisers. That's it. If he can't do that in the future, he will be gone. He said that if you want free speech, walk into a closet and talk to yourself. Robin also said you can also go out on the corner of a street and hop up on a soap box and talk.
Howard wondered how he's supposed to join with these guys in their movement. He said he might have to have a sit down with them or something. He also talked about how he's always had people trying to get rid of him from radio shows. He said that when he was getting fined by the FCC for years and years, no one was backing him up and ''joining him.''
Robin said that Jerry Fallwell was saying that he needed another 20 years to finish the work he was doing. Howard said that killing him was apparently God's answer to that. He had some quotes from Fallwell where he talks about how he'd like to see all of the public schools taken away and replaced by church. Howard read through a bunch of quotes where Fallwell went off on the gays. He said there were thousands of quotes but he didn't want to go through them all. He said he's just glad the quotes will stop now that Jerry is dead.
Howard said he was surprised that they weren't going to keep him in there like that before. They have no idea what Jeff is capable of. Howard said he saw a guy on 60 Minutes who had no arms. Jeff interrupted him and asked if he was going to put him down even more. Howard stopped himself and said he was going to do that but he decided to stop.
The guys talked about the surgery Jeff had an how he's going to have to have a skin graft on his ass in a few months. Artie missed that call yesterday so Robin and Howard filled him in on that. Jeff asked Howard not to hang up on him because he wanted to stay on hold to hear the roast. Robin said that the hospital is going to go broke with Jeff there doing stuff like that.
Robin figured Jeff was on some good drugs so Jeff tried to remember the name of the stuff. He eventually remembered it was morphine after Robin threw that out there. He said he's on that and on Vikodin. Artie told him that sounds like a fun morning to him.
Howard said he might have another bit to do. He said that they could get together a lot of whores and find out what it would cost to