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Howard started off the show saying he was listening to some Iron Sheik clips because he's coming in today. He said he was listening to him going off on Hulk Hogan and his family. He played the clip a short time later and explained how Sheik gets upset because Hogan doesn't get on the phone with him even though he's told him in the past that he loves him. Howard said he's not really surprised by that. In the clip Sheik is talking about how Hogan used to tell him he loved him and he owed him one for the things he did. Then he says he saw him a month ago and Hogan wanted to put him on his reality show. Then he never got a return call back and said he'd beat him even though he's handicapped and 90 years old. He calls him names and says he'd fuck him, his wife, his daughter and his son.
Howard got a laugh out of that and said that the son is underage so he might have to wait a little longer before he can fuck him. He said that Sheik always goes off on people about being gay but he always goes to the gay stuff himself saying he wants to fuck guys. Artie did his impression of Sheik and brought up the gay stuff. Howard wrote that gay thing down as a question he can ask Sheik today. Howard played a couple of song parodies with Iron Sheik clips in them. He said he'd be in later in the show
Howard said that he and Artie had gone out to a dinner the night before with his family. He was glad that they were going out to dinner alone the next night. Howard said he bought out the whole restaurant John's Pizza and filled it with beer, pizza and pasta. Howard said he and Beth discussed the whole thing and came up with the idea so Artie wouldn't have to get dressed up or anything like that. Howard said they had some help from this Sheila woman.
Howard said that they got a quote from the place to close down the restaurant, which they had never done in their history before. They were going to stay open until 1 in the morning and they'd do anything they wanted over there. Howard said it was unbelievable what they did over there. Howard had 4 slices of pizza himself and he was drinking beer like crazy too.
Howard said that he could hear everyone shushing each other before they walked into the restaurant. He said they couldn't even do the surprise party right. He said they all got out of the car and told Artie that this place was next to John's so they had him all confused. Howard said he had invited some of Artie's comedian friends and people like that. Jim Florentine, Nick Di Paolo and Joe Matarese were there. Howard said he figured that Robin would have shown up because Jim was there. She wasn't there though because she couldn't make it.
Artie said that she and Robin are going to go see Chaz Palmentari in a play he's doing. He said he always hates the attention he gets at parties and thought he'd hate a surprise party. He said that he actually loved this one and said that he loved getting the gifts and stuff. Howard said he couldn't tell when it was going on but he heard from him the next day that he loved it.
Artie said that he had pizza dough powder all over him by the end of the night. It didn't kick in that it was a great party until it started thinning out around 11 that night. They were all just hanging out and eating whatever they wanted. They had people showing up at the place all night and getting pissed that it was closed to the public.
Howard said that Robin and Fred couldn't make it there. Fred was down in Texas doing a gig with his band. Howard said that Richard Christy couldn't make it because he was out doing his Halloween thing. He told Beth ''You know how much I love Halloween...'' like she should know that. She had no idea he loved Halloween. Richard went on to tell her that he and his girlfriend, Christy, have the whole month booked up doing haunted house visits. He was talking about rescheduling stuff but she didn't want to get involved in all of that stuff. Richard said he couldn't reschedule the whole thing because he had booked his trip to Salem, Massachusetts a year ago.
Howard said that he had some audio of Artie walking into the restaurant. The Howard TV guys were there so they played the video for them and we heard the audio. Artie said he was really surprised when they walked into that place. You could hear everyone yelling out ''surprise!'' to him when he walked in. Artie went on to talk about how crazy it was to shut down a whole restaurant like that for the night. He said he can't imagine what he spent on something like that. He said he was thinking how great it was to have people like that in his life. He was blown away by the whole thing.
Artie said that he, Gary, Ross and Ralph were sitting in a booth just goofing around talking and they had all the pizza they could eat the whole night. Howard said that this guy asked him what he likes and Artie said he likes sausage and mushrooms and waited until it came before he ate. He wouldn't take any other pizza before he got that special one. He said that Artie even shared the pizza with the other people there. He had some other types of food as well but he thinks he had about 11 slices that night. He said he had meatballs, sausage and peppers and other stuff.
Howard said that there was one person who was an asshole there. Everyone who worked there was great though. He said that the one person who was an asshole was Sal. Fred was the one who guessed who Howard was about to talk to. Fred said that Ronnie was his back up when he heard Howard say there was an asshole there. Howard said that Ronnie was acting really weird there that night too.
Howard said that Sal and his wife were there and his wife wasn't very friendly to him. Howard said that she might be kind of loopy because of being married to Sal. He said that Sal grew up in a pizzeria so he asked if he could make one of his own in the kitchen. He said that Scott DePace wanted to make one himself so they had a little contest going there. Howard said that Sal ended up smearing pizza sauce all over Scott's face and Scott got pissed and did the same to Sal. Howard said Beth got really pissed because they were doing this on Artie's night. Howard told them to knock it off because this isn't the studio and this isn't their home.
Howard said that DePace is a good sport and he put up with crap like that. Howard said it was going to escalate and he didn't want to let them go there. He had to put a stop to it and it was all Sal. He said that Scott could have walked away but he you don't want Sal's hands all over your face. Artie said Sal had sauce all over him the whole night so he asked him what went on. Sal told him that he'd gotten into a food fight.
Robin said that she and Judith gave themselves coffee enemas while they were doing this detox. Howard had to find out more about that so he asked her about how exactly they do that stuff. Robin said they dark brew some coffee, cool it down and then shoot it into their asses with an enema bag. Robin said she lays on her side and sticks the tube into her ass about 7 or 8 inches and then shoots the coffee in there. Howard was surprised to hear the 7 or 8 inches thing. She said it goes in there pretty easy. She said that it's very simple to do that and it all comes with the enema bag. Robin said the bag hangs above you and the coffee runs in their by gravity. She said it just takes a couple of minutes.
Howard asked how you stop the coffee from dripping prematurely. She said there's a clamp on the tube. She said that you hold the coffee for 12-15 minutes while laying on the floor and then release it. She said that it helps to clean your liver. She says that there's a link to your liver in that part of your colon that helps release stuff from your liver. Howard said he doesn't even know if that's true and what doctors must think.
Howard asked if Judith was doing this at the same time. Robin said she wasn't sure exactly what she was doing. She said that Judith did fill her enema bag with the coffee though. Robin said she put on some nice music and lit a candle while she did this. She said that you only use a quart of this stuff and you have to know what you're doing before you get into this stuff.
Robin said that she had some music playing and watched the clock on the CD player to make sure she held in the coffee for 12-15 minutes. She said she has to hold it in because your bowels want to get it out of there. She said she was able to hang in there for enough time before she had to go.
Robin said she releases the coffee and sometimes it can make you shit. She said that she does inspect what she just let out too. Howard asked her if she had doody this time when she went. Robin said she didn't have a lot because she was juice fasting over the weekend. Artie said that she's doing every trendy thing with these people she hangs out with. Howard could picture that being a scene in the new ''Sex and the City'' movie.
Howard asked Robin how Judith is doing since she lost her job. Robin said she's kind of retired now and she's very happy doing what she's doing. She has a house here and a house in Sicily so she's doing just fine. Howard told Robin that's good for her to be doing all of this stuff. He said he's surprised that Robin didn't see Judith naked or anything. Robin said she didn't see her naked and she doesn't know if she has nice tits or not like Howard had just asked.
Artie said that he'd rather clog up his colon than clean it out. Robin said that she's had Judith over to her place to do the same thing. She told Howard that Judith has really long hair now and it goes down her whole back. She said that's good because some older women get ''old lady hair'' eventually and it's really nasty.
Robin said that she was walking down the street the other day and a set of black twins stopped her on the street and yelled out her name. She said she felt like she was in The Matrix or something. She said that the guys were dressed the same and everything and it was very odd. Artie said that maybe they were shooting a Doublemint commercial or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who wished Artie a happy birthday but his voice was shot from being sick. The guys said he sounded kind of like Jackie. He told Artie how cool it was for Howard to do that party for him. He also said he can't believe that enema story. That led to Howard asking Robin how much weight she's lost. She didn't want to say exactly how much she'd lost but Howard kept digging and found out it was somewhere between 45 and 60 pounds. He told her she's looking really good now.
Artie said that Howard has claimed that he could eat more than him and he saw a hint of that this weekend. Howard said that Artie didn't even see him eating some of the other stuff other than the pizza. Artie was drinking Coca Cola that night for some of the night but then he went to the Jack Daniels eventually. Artie said that party was the greatest party anyone has thrown for him before.
Howard heard that there were some nice gifts that night. Artie said that Tim and Ross got him a really nice photograph of Bruce Springsteen from 1978 or so. Artie said his favorite album of Bruce's came out that year. He said the gift was great.
Howard said that Ralph was talking about how Isaac's wife was too hot for him and even Jason's girlfriend was too hot for him. Howard said that Ralph was really angry with Isaac. He said that Doug's wife Marlo was there too and he was thinking about Jason talking about beating off to her. He said she said that was disturbing but he figured that she had to be flattered. Howard said he'd be flattered if someone said they beat off to Beth. He found out that Marlo was kind of flattered.
Isaac came in and asked Howard if he thinks he's too ugly for his wife. Howard said it was Ralph, not him. Howard said he saw glitter on Artie's face so he asked him if he went to a strip club or anything. Artie said he hasn't been to one lately. He doesn't go to Scores anymore since Lonnie isn't there anymore. Artie realized that the glitter on his face came from the card he got from Beth.
Howard said they got an invite to go see Carmen Luvana dancing at some club. He said he'd go if he was single. He gave the card to Artie so he can give the guy a call.
Howard said they got a memo from the guy that runs the Playboy channel when they asked him to put Eric on again. This time the guy said that they don't have any reason to put him on and they're looking to keep the channel sexy so they won't be able to put him on. They may be able to tape the call between Eric and the call screener but that's about it. Howard said that he can't even get Eric back on that channel. Eric said ''Great!''' and didn't have much of anything else to say.
Howard said that Eric is going to read from his children's book later this week. Eric said that he's almost finished with his book ''Dougie the Puggie.'' Gary came in and said that Eric called him and almost threatened him the other day. He said that he threatens to do stuff but he's not sure what kind of threat he can give him. Howard played the clip where Eric says he's not happy about being called a charity case. Eric said that he didn't say anything that day but now he has to tell him to never say any remark like that again. He told him it was out of line and called Gary a ''horse faced piece of shit'' and told him to fuck off.
Gary said that if he decides not to listen to him, what's going to happen. Howard said that Eric can make something happen, maybe he'll call Johnny Fratto again. Gary said that they're trying to get dudes excited over there at Playboy and this Eric gets on and brings it to a grinding halt. Howard told Eric he had to get moving along.
Eric said he had a news thing to tell them that was from Johnny (Fratto). Howard asked if it's going to take a long time. Eric said it wouldn't and said that Johnny and his son were out in Vegas with Scott Baio and Johnny got into an alcohol related melee. Howard cut him off and said that he had Judith Regan on the line ready to talk about publishing his book.
Howard put her on for Eric but it turned out to be High Pitch Eric. Howard pretended that Eric was Judith and asked her some questions about Robin's coffee enema. High Pitch Eric said that Jim Florentine's semen came out of Robin's ass that day. High Pitch said that he wanted to buy Eric's book and then hit him over the head with it. Eric got all pissed off at High Pitch and Howard and said that he can't believe that he thinks he'd fall for this shit every time. High Pitch told Eric to ''fuck off midget'' and then got off the phone.
Eric asked if he could finish his story. Howard and Artie thought it was too boring so they told him to skip it. Ralph called in and asked what Eric is doing calling the show again. He said that Eric put out a press release back in August saying that he'd never call again but now he's back on the show. He bad mouths Howard all the time and then comes right back to the show. They won't have it him on the Playboy channel again so he has to call someone.
Ralph asked Eric what he's doing. Eric said that he didn't plan on coming back but if Langford hadn't done the story he was upset over, he never would have returned. Jessica Hahn called in and said that the playboy people are really nice but no one wants to hear him on any show other than Howard's. Jessica tried to work with Eric by having him do a sexy call but it just doesn't work.
Howard said he had Eric's call to the Playboy channel to play but Eric was still trying to get in this story about Johnny Fratto. Howard played the call that Eric made to the Playboy channel with Bridget and Wednesday. He had nothing interesting to say to the hot chicks on the show. Artie said that every aspect about Eric was boring him today. He didn't even want to finish that call. He told him to go bore the other people in his life. Howard said there's nothing boring about him. He let Eric go a short time later though. He said they had gone an hour and 8 minutes already and hadn't taken a break yet.
Howard asked Sal why he did what he did. Sal said that he thought that Scott had actually gone overboard by throwing so much sauce on him. He said they were just having fun and then Scott threw this big glob of sauce on him.
Ralph called in and said that Sal was walking down the street that night and pulled out his cock and wiped it on a pumpkin that was out in front of the store. He said it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen but there were people all over the place that night. Sal said if he had been drinking that night he would have taken a shit on those pumpkins.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he got chills last week when Sal said those words he did to Pat Cooper's girlfriend. Howard didn't want to get into that again so he dropped it.
Sal said that he wrote a book about Artie from a child's point of view but Gary ruined it for him by telling him that he was a weirdo. He said that the book was written in crayon and had stories about Artie in the book. Gary said that he was looking at the book on Sal's computer screen and it was really creepy. He said he didn't think it was touching but Sal thought it was. He said that Artie may find it kind of funny but it wasn't touching. Sal said he put a lot of work into it and Gary ruined it by saying it wasn't touching.
Gary told Sal not to misdirect the whole thing about him being an asshole on Friday night. Sal said he was asked to do that pizza making contest by the Howard TV guys. He didn't ask to do it. He got back to this poem thing that he wrote and how he just turned it into a poem instead of giving him the whole book. Gary was telling Sal that he was boring over and over again.
Sal said that Gary isn't creative and wondered what he gave him as a gift. Artie said that Gary actually gave him a great gift of a new iPod filled with music. Sal said those things are a dime a dozen and Gary didn't put in his time like he did.
Howard had to go to break a short time later. He was saying that he had gone an hour an 17 minutes without a break and that's the way things go there on satellite radio, but he does have to break once in a while.
Howard asked Lisa about her talking to Beth about finding a boyfriend. Lisa said that it's hard to meet people and that's what she was talking to Beth about when Howard walked over to them that night. She said she's just leading her life and doing her thing. Howard said Beth was talking to him about how cute Lisa is and how she can't believe she can't find anyone.
Lisa said that she and Beth had a nice conversation that night and she found out how Beth and Howard had met. Beth met him at the right time, about a year after his marriage ended. She didn't get him right after the marriage had ended so he had time to get his dating out of the way. Lisa said that the way to meet guys is to dress really sexy for pizza parties. Artie said that threw him off that night because Beth didn't look like she was going to a pizza place. Howard said that he got laid that night too.
Lisa said they have some news about Artie's pizza party. They'll also have a story about the Artie Lange Cupcake going bi-coastal at the Crumbs Bakeries out on the West Coast. Artie said he took that birthday cupcake cake home with him last week and it's all gone now.
Lisa said that Jason and Will have a Page 69 story about how Sal and Richard are upset about being left out of some meetings there at the show. They're not going to go into the studio during commercial breaks anymore because of that.
Howard said they contacted Anne Murray for Artie but she wouldn't even hear of it to come in and perform for Artie. That's the song that he's performed on the air before. Gary said he's never been treated worse than by her people. They told him that this wouldn't happen in this lifetime. They were going to have some other stuff for Artie but nothing worked out.
Howard let Lisa go after that and played Artie singing the Anne Murray song that they were talking about. Artie threw in a new line of ''Fuck Anne Murray'' while they were playing that.
Artie asked Alyssah how much it would cost to watch her giving herself a coffee enema. She just laughed. Howard asked her about how some guys will ask her to act like a farm animal. She said that she'll bark like a dog and sometimes use a butt plug that has a tail on it to act like a horse or something. She said she loves what she does and she finds out a lot of secrets about these guys she meets.
Howard asked Alyssah if she's got a boyfriend. She doesn't have one right now but she does like to have girls in her life. She said that she charges $6 a minute to do this stuff and she has some guys who will stay on for hours. She once had a guy stay on for 5 hours. Howard did some math and found out that an hour would cost $360 and then two hours would be $720. He had some help from Artie trying to figure that out.
Howard asked Alyssah to talk dirty to him so she did that a little bit. She was pretending to be his mommy and only did that for about 30 seconds. Howard read some more notes about her and asked her about this Dominatrix thing. She's into that in her personal life. She said she loves to dominate men.
Howard moved on to the Wheel of Sex and told her she had to do some stuff before he'd plug her web site. Howard told her about the stuff that was on the wheel. Here's what was on the wheel:
Alyssa took her top off and showed Howard her boobs. She had nipple piercings and told Howard that she wishes that he'd tug on them. Howard said he wishes that he could do that too. It wasn't going to happen though. Howard saw that she was on Bubba's show so he asked her about that. She told Howard about what she did that day on Bubba's show and then Howard asked her to take off her panties. She went right ahead and did that. Eric yelled out ''Take it off bitch!'' and then went into his man voice and told her to take them off.
Alyssah went down and started eating the underwear off of Eric. Howard told her she had to take 3 big bites. She said that she could smell his balls down there and it was pretty strong. Eric claimed that he showered at about 3:45 this morning though. She said it was still smelly down there. She asked to see his ass and then ate some of the underwear from back there. She was telling Eric that his ass was gross but then went right in and ate it. Eric said that he used baby wipes this morning. She said that it still smelled back there. Artie said that means he showered and then took a shit. Eric said he used baby wipes though.
Howard asked Eric if he was getting aroused. He wasn't and then Alyssah asked him where his cock was. She said it was so small she couldn't see it. Howard said it looked like there was nothing there. Robin said it looked like a doorbell. Howard said he really has no penis. Everyone was talking about how his penis had vanished and it looked like he just had balls. Howard said he's small himself but not that small. Artie said that he knows it's hard to get hard in a situation like this but there's really nothing there.
Howard said that Alyssah was great and gave her a plug for her web site Flirt4Free.com. Alyssah said that she wanted to give out her schedule but Howard played some audio of her talking to a guy first. She said she'll be on Wednesday night over there at that site.
Eric had a plug to give as well for ITFDHQ.com which is a site that's some kind of charity for a girl who has cancer. Eric did a charity gig recently and that's the site he gave out. He gave that out twice. He also said that he does a radio show at SyndicateRadio.tv on Friday nights from 8-10pm.
Howard moved on to Rachel next. He said that she's a porn star and very successful. She's done about 60 films so far. He asked her how she got into porn. She said she knew someone in the industry and they helped her get into it. Howard asked her about some of the stuff she's done in porn. She said that she once did a thing where she had a horse bridal in her mouth and an S hook in her ass. She was forced to keep her head back otherwise the hook would go farther into her ass. Mike Gange was making noise so Howard asked him what he was doing. He was trying to take an S hook off to show him what it looks like. Artie said that it's that hook over there that looks like an S.
Howard read that Rachel doesn't do any black guys. She said that she has nothing against them but it's just not her thing. She said she's not sure if she could take the size of a black guy because she's so tiny herself. She said that in her mind all black guys are huge and she's not sure she could take that.
Howard asked Rachel what she does for hobbies. She said that she likes tanning. She also likes to smoke a lot of weed. Howard told her it was time to spin the Wheel of Sex after that. He had her spin the wheel and it ended up on ''Chocolate bandit Mask from Sal. Sal came into the studio after that and she yelled out ''Noo!'' and giggled like crazy when she saw him come in. He was wearing the Baba Booey mask and had his balls out and was picking his nose.
Howard told Rachel that he was going to dip his balls in chocolate and then dip them on her face. She said she was expecting worse. She thought he was going to shit on her face and give her a ''red eye'' or something. Robin wanted to know what a red eye is. She said that's when a guy shits and doesn't wipe very well and then sits on someone's face.
Rachel took her clothes off and said her boobs are fake when Howard asked. She said that very proudly. Howard asked her about her nipples being pierced. She said she thought that they'd be more sensitive but it didn't work for her. Alyssah said her's are really sensitive. That led to the two of them messing around a little bit by playing with each other's nipple piercings for a few seconds.
Howard had Sal put the chocolate on his balls and then dipped them on her face. She got up and had chocolate on her face like a bandit might look. Howard had the guys give her a towel so she could wipe off. She said that she'd rather have that than cum in her eyes because that hurts. She had chocolate up her nose and tried to wipe it off.
Howard said that Rachel Roxxx is available at AmericasNextHotPornStar.com. She said that's for a special pay-per-view event that she was part of. She said that she makes an idiot of herself on the show and people can see her doing that. Howard gave her another plug and then gave Alyssah another plug.
Sal said he had another challenge for the girls if they wanted another plug. He said he hadn't washed his pouch in about 2 days and said that hey could smell it for another plug. Alyssah went down there and took a whiff and said it really smelled awful. Sal said that was only a day and a half of not washing. He said that Richard was willing to smell it as well so he came running in to take a whiff. Howard said that the show has gotten very weird lately.
Richard took a whiff of Sal's pouch and said that it was really bad but he wasn't going to puke or anything. Howard asked Rachel if she wanted another plug. She knew what the smell was going to be like so she passed on that. She said she's had uncircumcised men before and knows that it gets smelly down there. Howard wrapped up after giving out some more plugs. He went to break right after that.
Robin said that she watched the movie too and it was so depressing that she had to ask Artie if he's alright because if he can watch that and not get depressed, there's something wrong with him.
Howard said that the Iron Sheik has his own show tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. They're going to give him an hour to do what he wants. Sheik came walking in a short time later and Artie started doing his impression right away.
Sheik came in and told Howard it was a pleasure to be there. Howard said he was excited to have him doing his own show there tonight. Sheik said he was excited as well. Sheik was breathing heavy so Howard asked him what was going on there. Sheik said he was worked up about Bubba the Love Sponge and Artie as well. He thinks he could kick their asses.
Howard said that Sheik has been appearing with the Killers of Comedy lately and he's making some good money doing that. Sheik said he gets $750-1000 and he steals the show every night. He said that he has people coming up to him at the end of the night asking for his autograph and stuff.
Howard said that Sheik was bad mouthing Hulk Hogan recently so he asked him what was going on there. Sheik said that he lost his belt to Hogan and he came to him after that and told him that he loves him and owes him one. He said that he hasn't heard from him since and won't return his calls. Sheik was saying that he saw him recently and Hogan said he was going to call him but he still hasn't heard from him. Howard said he knows that Sheik thinks of himself as a man's man but he says that he wants to fuck Hogan's wife Linda, his daughter and even his son. Sheik said that he doesn't hate him that much. He said that's a cheap hit and it must have been someone else talking about them like that, he would never do that. Howard said he has tape of it though so he did say it. Sheik said he never said anything bad about his wife or daughter, it ''must have been somebody misunderstand.''
Sheik went off on Hogan again and said that he'd beat the crap out of him, put him in the camel clutch and then fuck him in the ass. Howard told him that's very gay so Sheik said that he'd fuck in him in the ass with a beer bottle. Sheik said that he can't do stuff like that because he's not Michael Jackson or Elton John. He said that he can only fuck a guy in the ass with a beer bottle. He was breathing really heavy as Howard was talking to him after his rant so Howard had to ask him if he was okay. Sheik said he was fine but he was breathing really heavy.
Howard asked Sheik about his crack cocaine problem. Sheik said he did have a problem and thanked Howard for bringing that up. He said he still smoked a little marijuana now but that's it.
Howard took a call from a guy pretending to be Hulk Hogan and had him yelling at Sheik. That set Sheik off and he was yelling at him that he was going to fuck his ass and get even with him. He said that he's going to beat the fuck out of him and then said he's going to stick his 10 inch cock into his ass. Sheik sounded like he was about to pass out after that.
Howard asked Sheik about being married to the same woman for the past 35 years. Sheik said that is true and explained how he came to this country and ended up getting married. Howard said he heard that his wife doesn't love him because he lost so much money. Sheik said that's not true but then said that she's a gold digger and they don't always sleep in the same bed. He said he has his own room in the house and has his privacy. Howard thought that his wife was upset with him for losing the money on coke and stuff. He said that she's just a gold digger who only loves him when he has money.
Howard asked Sheik if he talks to his wife. He said that they do talk and they have family over and stuff. He said that she broke his heart and she doesn't really want him when he doesn't have money. Howard told him that maybe he should go find another woman then. He said that he can't have sex with another woman unless he gets divorced. Howard said that maybe he should get divorced then. Sheik said he won't do that and he can't have sex with someone else because he's Muslim. Howard said he must get aroused when he sees other women though. Sheik said that he hasn't had sex in 2 years with his wife.
Howard asked Sheik about masturbating. He didn't even know what that word meant so Howard had to tell him that it's when you jerk off. Sheik said he doesn't do that because he's ashamed to do such a thing. He knows that his god is watching over him and he's too embarrassed to do that.
Sheik was talking about how even though it's against his religion, he does eat pork and drink alcohol because he's wants to be sociable here in this country. Howard interrupted that with a call from someone pretending to be Macho Man Randy Savage. That set Sheik off and he was yelling at the guy for a couple of minutes. Howard took another call from a guy who told Howard he was going to kill this guy if he kept it up like this. Sheik was breathing really heavy and wasn't able to catch his breath. He claimed he was in the best shape of his life though.
Howard gave Sheik a plug for this web site EssPromotions.com where you can book him for appearances and stuff. He said you can also see him on the Killers of Comedy tour and find tickets at CleanboxEntertainment.com
Ralph called in and asked if Howard could imagine this guy on coke. He'd be even more out of his mind. They talked about that a little bit. They also talked more about Sheik's family and how he has a grandkid. He said he doesn't care if his wife doesn't sleep with him anymore.
Howard talked to Sheik about the president of Iran and asked him what he thinks of that guy. Sheik said that he hasn't been home since he left. Howard asked him if he supports the rights for gays to get married. Sheik said that in America they can do that but not in Iran. He said ''yes and no'' to the question after Howard asked it a couple of times. He didn't have a definitive answer.
Howard asked Sheik what he's going to be doing on his show tonight. He said that anyone can call in and talk to him about anything they want.
Howard said that King Kong Bundy was there to say hello to him. They brought in High Pitch Eric dressed up as Bundy. Sheik said he looked like another faggot and said he looks like Michael Jackson with the fat ass he has. He said that he would fuck that fat fuck. He said that even Michael Jackson wouldn't fuck that fat ass. Eric had ''Insert Iranian Cock Here'' written on his back when he turned around. Howard said that Eric was so gross that Sheik wouldn't even threaten to fuck him in the ass. Howard kicked Eric out of there a short time later as Sheik was yelling at him. Eric was yelling right back at him though.
Howard wrapped up with Sheik and gave him another plug for his show tonight. He also gave him plugs for those web sites he'd mentioned earlier.
Howard said that Imus never even beat Curtis and Kuby and they're being booted so they can replace them with Imus. Howard read that Imus is ready to talk about Hillary Clinton taking advantage of the Rutgers situation with his show.
Howard read that Curtis Sliwa is moving to work with John Gambling on his show. He said that Barbara Walters is also supposed to be interviewing Imus for 20/20. He said that it's so laughable and he hopes that Barbara reads him his ratings. He said that no matter what they do to publicize this, it won't even show up in the ratings. People may listen for a day but that blip won't show up in the ratings because they don't work that way. Howard said that he's not sure what Fahrid is thinking by hiring him over there.
Robin asked how many people were at the party. Howard said there were about 72 or so. Howard said he had some of the people from the news department and people from the show. Ralph Howard from the news department was there. He said he didn't know that his wife works in show business and was busy working on the movie Sex and the City that night. Artie said that Ralph is a real nice guy.
Ralph called in and said that he didn't even know that Scott was at the party. He said he was there the whole time and didn't see him once. He said that he's such a loser, that's why he doesn't get invited to parties. The guys were saying that Ronnie was acting really weird there too. Scott came in and said that he didn't volunteer the information about his hernia, he was asked by Jim McClure to talk about it.
Howard asked Scott what happened to his penis since the operation because he heard that his penis retracted into his body. Scott said that it's still in there and there really isn't anything good in his life.
Howard asked Ronnie what's up with him lately. Ronnie said he didn't bother anyone that night. He said that he's behaving himself and now Howard is giving him a hard time about that. He said he spent most of the night talking to Scott Ferrall and didn't bother anyone. He talked to Artie and didn't know why Robin was grilling him about this stuff when she didn't even show up to the party.
Scott said that he kept his distance from Artie because he didn't anything to come up on the air. He also claims that he did say hello to Ralph. Howard let him go and Ronnie said that he wanted to know why he wasn't talking about the email about that prank they did last week with Steve Langford. Howard said he will read it but he doesn't care if people thought it was okay, he was pissed about them doing it.
Howard said that he had this news report where a reporter was talking about a mass kissing event that took place down in Florida. She asked another reporter about the hearts that the people were wearing at the event and said ''what would you think if you saw your boyfriend out there with a heart on...'' and it sounded like she said ''hard on.'' They goofed on that a little bit before Ralph called back in.
Ralph said that it's funny how so many people watch everything that Howard does at these parties he goes to. They were talking about the pizza he was eating and how he split at 9:35 on the button. Ralph said that everyone was talking about how weird it was that Howard was eating pizza. Howard hadn't had any pizza in years so it was kind of surprised that he was actually eating it. Howard said that he likes Ralph because he doesn't bother him about stuff like that. Ralph said that people shouldn't bother him about shit like that, they should just leave him alone.
Howard said that people were all excited that he was having a beer too. They made a big deal out of that and the pizza. Howard said it was a pizza party, what is he supposed to eat? Ralph told Howard ''it's tough being you man.'' Gary said that Howard and Beth are the two tallest people there and it's so obvious when they leave. Howard said that no one had seen them leave. Ralph said he didn't know they left.
Howard said that Gary was watching everything he was doing and knew how many slices of pizza he ate. Artie was actually the one who watched that number and counted 5 slices. Howard said that Gary was bothering him about that stuff to though. Gary said that's not true, it was Artie who did that.
Howard said that Fred's wife didn't come and said that those two are weird and never invite people out anywhere. Ralph thought it was funny that Robin was giving herself a coffee enema while that was going on. Ralph was asking a bunch of questions about that but they had already discussed it earlier in the morning. Howard hung up on him and told him to listen to the replay.
Howard said that according to Bobo they found him at Hair Club For Men. He said that's ridiculous. Artie said that without Howard governing Bobo's calls, he's really boring. Howard had Bobo on the line and he brought up the wrap up show from Thursday when the guys were talking about the joke that Ronnie and Scott had pulled on Steve Langford.
Howard said that was a good call from Bobo, he brought up something good and he was able to hang right up on him. He went on to play some clips from the Wrap Up Show where Ronnie was explaining what he did and then elbowed Benjy who went off on him. Benjy told him not to do that ever again or he'd beat the shit out of him. Then he told Ronnie he was just fucking around. Ronnie said he wasn't fucking around and told him he was a dirt bag.
Benjy said that he was really mad but he turned it into a joke after freaking out on him. Howard played another clip where they were talking to Ronnie about the letter he sent to Howard years ago trying to get him as a client. Ronnie ended up going off on JD during that segment because he was talking over him. He also told JD to keep his hands off of him when he comes in every morning.
In another clip Benjy goes off on Ronnie once again about the way he treats people there. Ronnie was yelling at Benjy about his weird behavior and Benjy was going off on him about the way he treats the people who work there. Artie was laughing and Robin wonders what he's doing in the back of the limo with a guy like that.
Howard played another clip where Richard was talking about how Robin had hugged him out in the hall that day. She hugged him from behind and he thought it was a really cool feeling and he could feel her boobs on his bad. He said he could feel her nipples were hard. Robin said that's the last time she's going to be nice to him. She said that it was cold in there so he might be right about her nipples being hard. She said it wasn't even a full hug, it was just a quick, friendly grab.
Howard talked about how odd Richard is about this Halloween stuff. He goes around the country visiting haunted houses and stuff like that with his girlfriend.
Benjy said that they ran into Darrell Hammond and hung out with him for a little while. Howard asked Benjy how she looked. He said that she's attractive and has nice features. He said he told her that if they did hook up, it might not mean anything to him. He said he didn't want to take advantage of her like that. He said that he thinks that they could have had sex but he told her up front that it might not mean anything. Daphne said that she was kind of upset that he said that it might mean nothing to him.
Daphne said that Benjy was feeling her up out on the street a little bit. She said it wasn't her boobs that he was feeling, it was her hips and kind of on her breasts. He wasn't dry humping or anything but she didn't want to do anything out on the street. Howard thought it was odd that she's a prostitute and didn't want to do something out on the street. This all happened last night.
Howard wanted to know if Benjy was attracted to her or not. He wasn't really saying. Howard said that it sounds like Benjy wasn't really attracted to her but he kept saying that she was attractive. She may not have been his type or something.
Daphne said that Benjy talked to her just about every night that week. They were supposed to go out on Saturday but Benjy had another date planned that night. She said he called her and told her that he screwed up and had to reschedule.
Daphne said that Benjy thinks that Howard thinks he's hard up and needs to meet women this way. Benjy claims he can meet women no problem though. Howard wanted to drop the whole thing because Benjy never answers any questions.
Doug Goodstein said that they spoke to them up there about the whole thing and they knew they were planning on covering it. Isaac came in and said that they did clear it with them early on and it was supposed to happen. He said they got a call from the COO up there and they had some worries about the coverage they were going to be doing on Howard TV. Artie said that he just wanted to know if Howard cared if he did it or not. Howard said he can do whatever he wants to do. Artie said he'll make his decision on his own. He'll let them know what happens.
Howard got back to Steve who said that they're fine with Howard 100 news covering Artie. He also mentioned that they have a story about the Anne Murray stuff that they discussed earlier. He got in a plug for the Iron Sheik Show as well.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his update. Jon said that they'll be talking about the Iron Sheik interview and about the Wheel of Sex segment with Rachel and Alyssah. They'll also talk about this surprise party that Howard held for Artie while Robin was detoxing.
Howard and Robin were talking about Paul McCartney and his ex who is trying to get so much money out of him. Howard said it's a sickening thing when you see Heather Mills trying to get so much money from a guy she was only with for two years. He said that she may be entitled to some money but not $140 million like she's asking for. Robin said that he's out of his mind for not doing a pre-nup with her. Howard said that Paul was naive and he didn't know, he thought that he was in love. He's going to pay for his blunder now.
After taking a break Fred played a new song parody from High Pitch Eric where he's singing along with Britney Spears' latest song. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. They spent a short time talking about David Spade who Robin thinks is getting kind of an odd look about him these days. Howard said he just heard from Spade over the weekend and he said to say hi to everyone. Robin said he should be in the studio doing that. Artie said he thinks that Spade is addicted to that sitcom money now that he's on ''Rules of Engagement.'' He said that he was doing a really funny show for comedy Central but he's apparently given up on that because they don't pay very well over there. Now he's making the big money from the sitcom instead.
Robin read a story about the Shinecock Indians wanting to open a casino in the New York area. That led to the guys talking about casinos and which ones they enjoy going to. Howard said he likes Atlantic City but he's always too tired to go down there. Artie was saying that the Borgata is supposed to be building a casino out in Vegas sometime in the next couple of years so that should be cool.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing an Ann Coulter impression singing about the Jews. Howard said it wasn't going over very well and Fred had a pained look on his face. He hung up on Sour Shoes and had Robin get right back to her news. She wrapped up a short time later. Artie thanked Howard again for the party he threw him last week. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the show saying that he was yawning just a few minutes before the show and all of a sudden he was awake. He said that Robin is funny with the drinks she's been drinking on this diet she's on. He checked out what she was drinking earlier and watched what she was doing. He stood there watching her for about 10 minutes without her even knowing. She was picking out little boogers out of the drink and mixing it because it's so important to her. The guys all gathered around her booth and Scott DePace said ''Witch's brew...'' as they were watching.
Howard said Robin isn't eating solid foods, she's just drinking this stuff and stirring and stirring constantly. He said that each clump is pressed against the side of the drink and mixing it all in. Robin said that Howard was all upset about the guys watching him eat his pizza at Artie's party. Now they're all watching her.
Howard said that her preparation is really intense. He said he can't imagine the preparation at Judith Regan's place. Robin explained how they do the coffee enema thing and let the coffee cool down. Fred asked her what happens if there's an incident and they have a perforation or a bad leak or something. He wondered if they have to call out the other person's name for help. She said that no one is having any accidents.
Howard read through some e-mail about Robin's coffee enema and some people think she's out of her mind doing this stuff. They wondered what she's trying to fix with this stuff she's doing.
Howard said that Richard isolated Robin's laughs that day. Howard played some of them and said that those are real laughs right there. They sounded kind of odd with nothing else going on. Robin said she was caught by surprise. Howard said they do sound kind of like... and played a witch's laugh. He then played something that Richard put together with Robin's laugh as a Witch's laugh in the Witching hour. Robin said it was like those laughs couldn't even get out fast enough
Gary told Howard that they have a new voice mail from Hate Man about Robin's coffee enemas. Howard played the call where Hate Man says that he wants to bring an espresso machine over to her place and shove it up her ass and Judith's ass. He gets louder and louder as he's going along and starts yelling racist comments bout Robin before he hangs up. He was kind of muffled so it was hard to understand what he was saying by the end of the call.
Howard played the prank call the guys made using some of those Hate Man voice mails. In this one they call a phone sex line and have him yelling out the N-word to this woman who just goes along with it. The guys say that the woman isn't shocked at all so she must get some crazy calls all the time.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard ever did any detoxing after eating all of that pizza and beer that he ate at Artie's party. He said he was fine, his stomach felt just fine after he did that. Howard told the guys about the turkey chili he had on Sunday night. That recipe came from Pat Monahan from the band Train. He said that he ate far too much last night though. He said this stuff is so good that he just kept eating.
Howard said he was watching Dancing with the Stars with Beth last night. He said that he did something kind of weird with her. He said that he might have to get Beth on the phone to talk about this. He said they were watching this show on HBO called ''Tell Me You Love Me'' which they love. Robin said that Artie would slit his wrists if he watched it. Howard said it's a scripted show but it's about married couples in relationship counseling. He said that it actually helps them out in their own relationship.
Howard said there's this one chick in the show that's really attractive and there's a lot of fucking that goes on in the show. He said he told Beth that she had a great body and she said that she liked the guy's ass. He said that he was just saying that she was good looking. He said that every time they watch the show they end up making love and she seems to like that he likes the show too. He said he thinks the show is well written and funny so he's not just watching it because she likes it.
Howard said that Beth went to take a bath so he knew that he was going to get laid. She went off to do that and he'd showered earlier so he was already clean. He went on his chess web site and started to play a blitz game that should last about 5 minutes. He said he was 2 minutes into the game and Beth walked in wearing high heels and lingerie. He said she goes ''what are you doing?'' and he tells her he was almost done with the chess game. He said he told her she looked great but asked her to wait just a couple of seconds. She climbed on his back and he almost had to throw her off because he was afraid he was going to lose the game. Fred played the ''What a total fag'' jingle when he heard that.
Howard said that Beth told him to get off the computer because she was waiting there to have sex with him and he was playing chess. Howard said he knew he should have just disconnected and thrown the game. He said he thought the game would last another two minutes because he was beating the guy. He finished the game in about 3 minutes, walked into the room where she has her office and she was in her pajamas. He asked her to put the outfit back on. She refused and said that it was uncomfortable. He said he knows he did the wrong thing and thought it was just going to be 2 more minutes. He said he felt like a fuckin' asshole but they did end up making love. He begged her to put the outfit on but she refused.
Howard said he felt like a fuckin dick after doing that. Robin told him that she had just prepared to ravish him and he rejected her. He said he's so angry at himself for doing that. Artie told him that it's over now. He's getting older and he's brushing off a hot chick to play a game of chess. Howard said he knows he was wrong and he really missed out on something big.
Artie said that he had something similar happen when he was watching a Yankee game one time. Dana came into the room with an outfit on and he was still watching a special on Thurman Munson on Yankeeography. He said he glanced at the TV while they were just getting into it and she saw him look. She asked him if he wanted to watch the special but he said he wanted to be with her.
Gary said he called Beth to talk about last night but she told him that she didn't want to come on. He said he thinks that Howard might be in trouble over that whole thing. Howard wanted her to get on the phone but Gary told him that it doesn't look good, she just won't come on.
Artie told Howard that it looks like it's over for them now. He blew off sex to play chess! Gary said that you start to take things for granted after all of this time. Howard said he knows it was wrong though and he won't do it again. He said that he'll quit chess if she asked him to. He knows he blew it and he'd have to give it up if she wanted him to.
Howard took a call from Howard Stern, someone playing clips of him, and the guy was playing him talking about how he can have good sex and stuff. Howard ended up hanging up on himself and said he couldn't listen to that stuff.
Howard said he's really upset that Beth won't get on the phone. He said he didn't want to bug her by calling himself. He couldn't stop thinking about her not coming on the phone though. He said he was focused on that now. He said that he should change subjects and said that they should talk about Robin and Jim Florentine. Robin said there's nothing to talk about there.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's going on with him and Bubba. He said that both of them are giving up sex to do weird stuff. Bubba went to Burger King and passed on sex with his wife. He went there to have some kind of new burger instead of having sex with Heather. Howard said he can't imagine passing on sex for that. He said he didn't pass on sex, he just delayed it by playing chess.
Artie said he thinks that Bubba passed for something called a BK Stacker which might be like 4 burgers in one bun. He said he thinks they were actually trying to beat the Wendy's Triple that used to be like the biggest burger. Gary said that you can get a double, triple or quadruple BK Stacker. Robin read some of the stats about the meal which can be up to 68 grams of fat in just the one meal, and 1,000 calories.
Howard said that Bubba might be back to being obese again. He thought he was back up to 400 pounds but the guys said that he's up around 280, still less than Artie. Gary said that there are people out there who are stacking up the stackers to make 4 Quad burgers in one. They're calling it a Diocto burger.
Artie said he once had 7 Big Macs in one sitting trying to beat his friend in a competition. Howard cut him off and asked Gary to call Beth again to ask her to come on the air. Robin said that she's probably pissed off and now Howard is reacting to the negative.
Artie said that some girls would have just blown him off for the rest of the night so it was a good sign that she still had sex with him. Howard said that Beth was gone for like 2 seconds preparing for him, it wasn't like she was in there for an hour.
Howard said that he had shaved his balls for Beth. Artie said that he's only done that two times in his life. Howard said that you owe it to the chicks to trim it down but maybe guys should just keep their hairy bush down there.
Gary came in and said that Beth wasn't answering her phone now. Gary said that it took her a bunch of times to answer earlier so maybe she's sleeping. Howard said that she's up, he knows she's up. He said that he may have to go home right then.
Joey Boots called in and said that turkey chili sounded really good and he wanted the recipe. He asked Howard to put the recipe up on HowardStern.com so Howard said he'd do that. Joey also asked Howard about leaving early on Thursday to have a meeting with Mel. He wondered what that was about. Howard said that it wasn't about Bubba like some people think. He said that he's had meetings about Bubba and he tells them not to jerk the guy around. He said that he was thinking about doing something for the show and had to talk to Mel and Scott Greenstein about that. He said he can't talk about this idea he had because he's not sure if it's going to happen or not. He said they wanted him to do some stuff to help SIRIUS. Joey said that it's like that Howard Stern the High School Years cartoon that never came to be. Howard said he talked about that and it was too expensive to produce.
Howard hung up on Joey because he was all over the place with his questions. He took another call from a guy who asked Artie about the Subutex stuff that he takes. He said he used to take it too. He said that he used to take like an 8mg pill once a day and Artie was talking about taking 11 of them in one day the other day. Howard asked Artie if he took a lot of them over the weekend because of his 40th birthday stress. Artie said he had to take one during the party last week. He said that the night turned into something more than he expected. He said it was just turning into a different kind of night and he needed to take one. He said that guarantees he can't go to the next level.
Artie said that he had to avoid drinking for about 10 minutes because he's not supposed to drink any liquids with that stuff. He said he doesn't take that stuff every day though. He said he can sometimes go weeks without using it. Lately he's been taking quite a few though.
Howard took another call from a guy who told him not to sweat that stuff with Beth. Howard said that Beth has blown him off before but he still knows he was wrong. The guy said that Beth was wrong too and she should know that. Howard said that there have been many times that he's gone to her and asked her to do stuff and she's turned him down.
Howard said that she's right and he did turn it on her. He did walk into her office and put his penis on her shoulder as a peace offering. Howard said that he would give up chess if she asked him to. Howard said she's right and it will never happen again. She said she would never ask him to give up chess but she may call his instructor to talk to him about how this is coming between them.
Beth said that he will never see her in this outfit again because of what he did. She said he had no idea that she was even there because she was straddling a chair and trying to get his attention. She said that it was very embarrassing for her to do that and have him reject her. She said this is the first time that he's done that in the past 7 years. Beth said she can see this going downhill and in the past he'd never pass on something like that. She said that it was the blitz game that came first. She said she knows he still loves her but this is the first time she's seeing that things are changing. Howard said he's going to go home and have sex with her now.
Beth said that she has to go meet with her big, hunky trainer now. Howard asked her if she thinks that they have problems. Beth said she thinks that it's just the natural progression of a relationship. Howard didn't want to hear that. He said he thought that she was going to be gone for a while, otherwise he wouldn't have started the game. He said he knows he's a little obsessed but he thought she was going away for an hour and the game was like 10 minutes.
Howard said he's still into her. She said that she's never wearing that outfit again though. He said that was wrong, she's punishing him over this. Howard said he hopes she's not going to get an emotional friend. That led to Artie doing his emotional friend impression. Howard said that Beth looked so hot but when she asked him to describe the outfit, he couldn't do it. He never even saw it enough to describe it.
Howard said that maybe Beth should dump him. Beth said that she's sad for them over this whole thing. She said she's not upset but she is kind of sad about their relationship taking this turn. Howard said he wants to put up that recipe on his web site so he asked Beth to send that to the guys at the site.
Fred played Taps as Howard and Beth were talking about their relationship. Beth said that she was upset last night about what happened but she thought they got past it. She said it was all coming back to her because she was looking at the pile of lingerie she didn't keep on for him. She said that she was going to wear it for an FHM shoot and Howard had never seen it before. Howard wondered what he could do now to get over this. The guys asked him if he won his game last night. He did win and he said that he kicked that guy's ass.
Howard said that Riley Martin wanted to goof on him so he picked up on him. Riley was on the phone and asked to speak to Beth. He told her that she must sometimes look over and forgive a damn fool who knows nothing about taking advantage of the yummies. Howard said that Riley has a restraining order against him. Riley said that Howard jumped on him about what he does so he wanted to tell her shit. Howard said that he's not like him, he doesn't have a restraining order against him. Riley wasn't making much sense so Howard let him know that but Riley just kept going. Howard figured he was drinking and Riley paused as if he were saying yes to that.
Howard had to explain to Beth who this guy was because she had no idea who Riley was. Riley was wondering if she got her Symbol that he made for her. Howard said that he threw those in the garbage and didn't bother her with that crap. He let Riley go a short time later and tried to give him a plug for his radio show but Riley kept saying it's on tomorrow night even though it's on tonight at midnight.
Howard hung up on Riley and got back to Beth and played their karaoke version of ''Close To You'' that they performed at a party. Howard told Beth he loves her and then threw in a story about Robin and Judith doing their coffee enemas. He told her that Robin had 7 inches of tubing up there. Beth said that it must feel good. The guys thought that she meant having something up her ass would feel good but she said that she meant that the cleansing must feel good.
Howard told Beth he loves her and she was going to say goodbye but she sounded like she was still upset so Howard kept her on the line. He told her that they were going to rectify this tonight but she said she's going out tonight. He played a new song parody that Richard made about him being a chess fag. Howard said he writes that stuff as it happens, and it sounds that way.
Beth seemed to be getting more and more upset about this and told him that it was enough already. She got off the phone a short time later. Howard let her go but it didn't sound good.
Jessica Hahn called in and talked about Sam Kinison falling asleep while they were having sex. They spent a few minutes on that. Then King of All Blacks called in and said that he didn't think Howard was like that but he thought that some of that stuff was funny. Pedro then called in and told Howard that he shouldn't worry about this stuff and stick to his guns. Howard asked Pedro if he has a girlfriend. He said he doesn't have one right now. He still told Howard to stick to his guns and not let Beth make him feel like crap over that chess stuff.
Another caller told Howard that maybe he should get some flowers for her and get a picture of her and the dog or something. Howard said that he worships that woman most of the time and he just fucked up one time. He said that she'd be nauseous if he paid attention to her 24 hours a day. Howard said he knows he's a disaster but so is everyone else there.
Fred played a song that a listener sent in for Howard about Beth. That song was ''When I See Beth Smiling'' which got the guys laughing a little bit. Howard took another call from a guy who said that guys get rejected like that multiple times a night and it's a regular thing that they get over. He said that Beth should get over it and move on. Howard said he thinks that she's over it and she will move on. Howard said he has some personal things going on in his life too so she knows that he's under pressure. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that he was going over the terrestrial radio ratings. Z100 is the number one station in the morning now in New York. He said that never would have happened if he was still on terrestrial radio. He said that this guy Elvis Duran is crowing that they're number 1 now. It had been 12 years since they were able to claim that according to the article. Howard said that it has to be a slim win for them though.
Howard said the dumbest move he's seen so far is when they took WCBS-FM and changed formats from oldies to the JackFM format. They switched back to oldies just recently because they were able to get ratings.
Howard said that their old station, K-Rock, is still in the toilet. He said that CBS fired Opie and Anthony years ago and then hired them back and put them on in the mornings. He said that they're second to last in the morning ratings.
Howard said that those guys claim that they make more money for XM than he does for SIRIUS but he finds that hard to believe. They don't get any listeners and they don't have any ratings on regular radio. Howard said that Z100 is the top morning show and Opie and Anthony have been taken off a bunch of his old stations. They may be taking them off in Philly so they can put Kidd Chris on in the mornings there because he's actually got ratings.
Artie read that Opie and Anthony had ''slipped a little'' in the ratings but they were way down there. They've never been able to get the kind of ratings Howard had. Howard said that David Hinkley seems to love those guys and will never say anything negative about their show.
Howard said that he was number one for many ratings books in a row there in New York and it was a remarkable feat for them to do that. He said that this guy Elvis Duran doesn't even have any competition now. He said that the biggest surprise, according to David Hinkley, is that Lite FM dropped out of the number 1 spot. He said that there's another station called Fresh that Howard had never heard of. He doesn't listen to regular radio anymore so he doesn't know.
Howard said that New York just can't support rock stations and WNEW is gone and now they're this Fresh station. He said that K-Rock can't get ratings with their alternative rock format either. Howard said that when they were there they'd keep ratings all day long. He said that the fans would just leave the station on all day long and listen, giving them ratings.
Howard said that Steve Harvey was number 3 in the morning. He wondered what's up with Whoopi Goldberg's show but no one knew what station she was on, except Gary who said she's on KTU. She gets a 2.9 and that beats Opie and Anthony. He said he may have had that wrong but she actually got a 2.4 so she did beat them. The guys found that kind of amusing.
Howard said the most unbelievable thing is that the station that Imus used to be on, WFAN, has gone up in the ratings since he left. He said he feels really bad for this guy Curtis Sliwa who is getting booted from his morning gig on WABC so they can put Imus on. He said that this might be a goofier decision than changing formats at WCBS. He said that Curtis and Kuby get a 3.4 rating in the morning and Imus used to get a 1.7! He said that they doubled Imus' ratings but the dopes at WABC are replacing them with Imus. Howard said that they should give Curtis props for getting such high ratings but now they're going to take him off and stick him with John Gambling in the morning.
Howard read some stuff about Imus' deal that will make him between 5 and 8 million bucks annually. Howard said Imus is even planning to syndicate his radio show on TV. Howard said ''What!?'' and couldn't believe that anyone would pick that up. He went into his impression of Imus and goofed on him for a short time. Howard said that Imus is going to drag that station down to a 1.7 or so and the people at WABC will probably be thrilled with that. He can't believe that this kind of thing goes on.
Howard said that if Imus can get a black audience, maybe he could bring the ratings above a 1.7. Howard read some notes about Fahrid Suleman who is behind this Imus thing. Howard said that he bets that Imus won't do anything in the ratings. He said that people still talk about him like he had a great show even though no one listened. These people say that he's a great broadcaster but he didn't have any audience. They say that he's popular with highly educated people which Howard thinks is bullshit. He said he's not sure how Imus did it but he's got people convinced that he has smarter people listening to his show than anyone else's. Howard said he thinks this ratings stuff is great.
Bobo called in and said that they hardly ever wrote about Howard having an 8 or 9 share in the morning. He said that he hasn't seen Z100 at number 1 since Scott Shannon was there and once Howard got the number 1 spot, everyone else was in the toilet. Robin said that Scott Shannon blew Imus off the map when he came to town. Everyone was shaking in their boots over that guy until Howard came to town.
Bobo said that Howard must be happy that Opie and Anthony are down in the toilet. Howard said he really doesn't care, he doesn't think about regular radio anymore. He said that he knows that the NAB is shitting in their pants about this possible satellite radio merger and they're spending tons of money to try and stop it. Bobo asked how many listeners they have now. Howard wasn't sure of the numbers but he said he heard Mel talking about how they have 78 percent of the retail market share at this point. Howard said that Mel was great in this Charlie Rose interview. He said that Mel was talking about how the NAB's fight against this merger proves that they're competition. They can't say that they're a monopoly if they're this afraid of them.
Howard said that this merger should have gone through already. They don't even take this long to approve mergers of oil companies and stuff like that. Bobo said he hopes that the merger happens before the end of the year. He's sitting on 3000 shares of stock so he's hoping that it happens.
Howard said that Mel's contract is up in about 2 years and theirs is up in 3 years. Howard said his contract always ends up being longer than everyone else's. They have just over 3 more years left there on their current contract.
Another caller told Howard that the Star Ledger, a New jersey paper, had a front page editorial about this merger. Howard said it sounds like someone has their hand in that over there. Howard wanted to see the article himself. He was getting aggravated about all of that stuff and didn't want to talk about it anymore.
King of all Blacks called in and asked Howard what he's going to do in 3 years if he retires. Howard said he'd going to do whatever he wants. Howard said that he doesn't like doing this stuff, it's work. He said if he didn't have to work, he wouldn't do it. He said if he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he wouldn't be working.
King also asked Howard what everyone else around him is going to do. Howard said that he and Beth were talking about that the other night. Artie said that's up to the rest of them, not up to Howard. Howard said he does worry about the rest of the crew, especially Gary. Gary said that he talks to him about this stuff sometimes and he's kind of said he could go to any show he wants. He doesn't think that anyone would take him. Gary said that he could suck at what he does and still get a job.
Gary thinks that he could get a job as a show runner and run something like the Tyra Banks Show or something like that. Howard thought that Fred had some money saved up that could keep him going for a while. Fred said he hasn't made all that much so he doesn't have a huge savings. Howard said that guys like JD are the guys he worries about too. JD wants to make movies but he's seen what he can do and it's not all that great.
Howard said that JD wants to go watch TV for Jimmy Kimmel or something. JD said that's not his dream job, he never said he wanted that as a regular thing.
The guys were talking about how they think they can get jobs somewhere even if Howard does retire. Howard said he worries about Benjy and asked him what he's going to do. Benjy said that he thinks that the show relies on Howard and if something happened to him tomorrow, he thinks he could get a writing job on another show. He said he's made contacts and thinks he could get something going. Robin said that if Stuttering John can get a job then Benjy should be able to get something.
Howard said that they're talking about this Conan O'Brien taking over for Jay Leno in 2009 and Leno kind of feels he's being pushed out. He said that if Leno moves to another network, he doesn't think he'll bring John with him. Artie thinks that John has enough money to live without a job. Artie said that Jackie must have had enough to retire because he's living without a full time job. Howard said that Jackie always did something with his money and he must have done something right.
King asked Howard where he'd move if he retired. Howard said he'd stay in New York. He has family there and he'd stay in the area. Howard thinks that someone could live off of about 2 million if they had that much saved up. Fred said that he doesn't even have a million liquid. Howard said he can't believe that. He asked Fred if he invests his money. Fred said that he does invest it but it's mostly in real estate. Gary said that Fred has a house that he could sell if he wanted to though. Fred said he has little money saved in the bank, it's mostly in real estate. He said he used to try investing in stocks but that didn't work out for him.
Howard said that you have to set up programs to save money for your future. He said you have to do this or you get stuck. He said he didn't make money for a long time but he used to buy E Bonds every month and put them away. He said he'd let them mature and then turn them into H bonds. He said it was something secure that he could rely on for his future.
Howard said his father was very smart and invested his money and has been able to live off of that stuff since he retired at 50-something. He's 84 now and still lives off of that stuff. Howard said that he's no financial advice guy but if you start thinking about this stuff at 41, like King is, then you're way behind. Howard said he never lived above his means. He said he was very frugal and never borrowed money until his bought his first house.
Artie asked Gary if he has a million in the bank. Gary said of course he doesn't. He said he does have a retirement plan though. He has a plan for the kids college money and stuff like that. Gary said that he leases a 300 series BMW and figured King was going to goof on him about that. Howard said that when you have a wife and kids, you have to be really responsible with your money. You can't do that shit. He said that there are people who end up being slaves to their bosses for the rest of their lives because they spend too much.
Howard said that the TV show asks him to wear a different shirt every day. He said that what he spends on clothes yearly is under $10,000. That's on suits and everything. He has to buy shirts so he has something different every day and that's included in that 10 grand. He said he tips well, spends money and his kids don't want for anything but he doesn't spend all that much on himself. He said his kids don't even understand what it is to want. They get whatever they need.
Howard doesn't fly on commercial flights though. He said that he hardly goes anywhere and hasn't gone anywhere this year. He said that if he wasn't in a relationship, he wouldn't travel anywhere. He said he still rakes leaves every year.
Artie was fascinated with Fred and Gary's financial situation and wondered who his farther from that million bucks. Gary said he thinks he is but Fred said he's probably as far as Gary is. Fred said that he can't retire on the money he has right now. Gary said that Fred has two homes though so he's ahead of him. Fred said that he has mortgages on both homes though. Fred said that he might have a million if he were to sell his homes but he'd have to do some research to figure that out.
Dominic Barbara called in and Fred asked him if it's possible to get a Post-nuptial agreement. Dominic said that those things are getting more and more popular. Dominic also said that Howard has never been extravagant and he used to get excited about 20 dollar bets in the card games they played in. Howard said that he'd be happy about playing with nickels. It's all about the winning, not about the amount of money. Artie said that of course ti's about the winning but winning a lot of money is more fun. Fred said he could never bet the kind of money Artie does if he had that kind of money himself. Howard thinks that Artie doesn't respect the money but Artie says he does.
Howard said that he's been to Atlantic City and he'll play $25 hands and he thinks that's ridiculous. one time Paul Anka came over and blew 10 grand at his table in 3 hands. He thinks that's nuts. Artie said that he has a very conservative portfolio and has a bunch of IRAs that he contributes to every year. Gary asked Artie why he had to work as a cabby when he lost his job at MAD TV. Artie said he'd gambled all of that money away so he had to work for it after that. Now he's doing okay though.
Howard said that he's his father's son and he was taught well. He said his father showed him that you can't blow money on stupid things trying to get thrills from life. Dominic said that he doesn't think that Howard would feel any different if he had 1 million or 100 million in the bank. Howard said that's true, he'd be fine with either one.
Howard said he saw Tim Sabean showing off his fancy watch the other day and he showed him this army watch that he's been wearing lately. It's a $100 watch and it works just fine. He doesn't need to own really fancy watches to be happy.
Dominic asked Howard what he's doing to prepare his kids. Howard said that his kids won't have to worry about money, they should be able to make their own living. Artie asked what he would do if his daughter came to him at 40 and said she was broke. He jokingly asked if Artie was talking about his kids from the first marriage or the second one. Then he said that he's not the type of guy who is going to turn them away, but he thinks that they have to learn to care for themselves.
Dominic said that there's a guy in New York who is worth billions who said that he was leaving his kids just 2 million each. He said the guy told him that he didn't want to ruin his kids lives so that's what he was leaving them. Artei said he already resents his kids and he doesn't even have any yet. He said his kids are still in his balls and every day he has to yell at his balls.
Benjy asked Howard if he could move to afternoons if he wanted to. HOward siad that he couldn't do that at any time, but if he asked them, he thinks that they'd let him do it. He said he's not sure what his contract says. They run the show all day long so he thikns that they'd let him do it. Robin said she'd like to take her part to afternooons.
Howard said that when he started there 2 years ago, he thought that they should od it in the mornings. He sadi that now he sees that running the show all day long works and they could move. He thinsk that might rock the boat and doesn't want to mess with a good thing at this point though. That led to the guys talking about Bubba again for a short time.
Howard said that Jim's arm is very solid just in case Robin wanted to know. Artie said that Jim's only vice was whores, 3 or 4 at a time. He was messing with Robin and she just laughed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk to Artie. Howard hung up on him yesterday and Robin told him he might get hung up on again today. The guy started talking about what he brought up yesterday and Howard hung up on him again. He went to break a short time later.
Fred said that trying to get a Yankee game on AM radio sucks so it would be great to have the games there on SIRIUS. Robin said that the guys are still out in the hall talking finances. She said they were discussing investing in real estate or stocks. Artie said that Sal wants him to invest in some stocks but he's not sure what to do.
Fred said that Sal has a lot of knowledge about the market but he can't convert his own money into big bucks. Gary said that Howard should talk to Sal about how he was making a ton of money for a while but then the market went down and he lost it all and had to ask his wife for the BMW back. Howard said that Sal is a typical example, he thought that money was going to last forever. He should have been saving at that time.
Howard played a clip from Oprah's show where she asks Jerry to tell a story to her that she already knew. She wanted to know how this movie came to be. Jerry said he'd asked Steven Spielberg to do a commercial with him and he agreed. That led to them having dinner. Jerry told this story and said he got ready about 8 hours early and just sat there for the rest of the day until dinner came around. Howard said that Oprah's laughing during that bit was so phony. She was trying to sell it to her audience. Howard had the guys play Robin's laugh to show what a real laugh sounds like.
Artie wanted to hear the whole story from Oprah but Howard replayed the first clip so Fred could insert Robin's ''real'' laugh into that. He threw the laugh in at a few points where Oprah was giggling. Then he threw in her really hard laugh when Oprah let out her phony laugh. Fred said that Robin's was way better.
Howard played the second part where Oprah was laughing more at Jerry's story and it really sounded like a phony laugh. Howard said that what Jerry was saying wasn't even that funny but Oprah was laughing like it was the funniest thing she'd heard. Howard said they didn't add that in, it was her real fake laugh that he was just pointing out.
Howard said that Jerry's wife was also on the show selling her cook book. Robin said she saw that and she saw her talking about how you can fool your kids into eating healthy stuff if you put it into muffins. Howard said that she mentioned the book on the show and it shot up to number 12 on the best seller list so she sent Oprah 100 pair of expensive shoes. Robin said that's because Oprah's size must change all the time and she always needs a different size.
Howard played another clip where Oprah tells Jerry that she had made something from his wife's book and it had basil in it. She said that two bees came around and she didn't swat them away because she knows they have families. She said that she's been effected by this Bee Movie that Jerry is bringing out. She let out another one of those phony laughs at that point.
Howard said that he'd be swatting away bees, that movie isn't going to change anything for him. Fred threw in one of Robin's laughs.
Howard had some clips from the Sheik Show but he didn't know where to start. JD came in and told him that there weren't any really outstanding moments but there were some moments he pulled for him to play. Howard got sidetracked and ended up talking to JD about his mother. JD said he hadn't seen her yet but she is back on the mainland after moving away from Hawaii. He hasn't seen her in the past 7 years or so. JD said it was only 5 years, but Howard thought it was 7. JD wasn't upset about it and he said he'll see her when he sees her. Robin said she's seen the rest of her family already, at the family reunion. JD said that it's all about time and finances. Howard said it's been 5 years though.
Howard said that he'd pay for her flight to come and see him but JD said she wants nothing to do with that. Howard said he wouldn't be in a rush to see JD either if he were his son. He was just kidding and said that if he really was his son, he'd jump on a plane so quick to come and see him. JD said that she's there in the States alone and her husband isn't there yet.
Howard asked JD if she works on the weekends too. JD said that he doesn't know her schedule. He said that his brother has seen his mother but he lives out in California so it's not as big of a deal for him. Robin said you'd think that someone would make a move. JD said he'll make his move at Thanksgiving and he'll be visiting her at that time. Howard figures that his mother doesn't want to be alone with him.
They're all going to be meeting out in Ohio for Thanksgiving. Howard asked JD what she's going to be doing with this guy Bill that she met on the internet. JD sounded like he didn't want to get into all of that. Howard asked JD if he was at his mom's wedding when she married this Bill guy. JD said that none of his family was there. Howard asked him if he's better looking than his dad. JD said he's not into dudes so he doesn't know.
Robin said that JD's mom must be back to having phone sex with this Bill guy. JD threw off his headphones and said that was it for him. He left the studio a short time later. Howard told him he hopes he sees his mom soon. He feels bad for him being brushed aside for the past 5 years.
Howard said he has to talk to Tim Sabean about this format because they can hear Sheik being interviewed at any time. Tim came into the studio a short time later and said that they thought Shuli would be able to get him started since he'd never done radio before. Tim said that next time Sheik will be there by himself. Howard said that was the whole idea of the show, to put Sheik on his own show even though he'd never done radio before. Howard said it would have been hilarious if he was just sitting there in dead silence. Tim said that's what he was afraid of.
Howard said that everyone was complaining about Tim's cologne today. Tim said that it was just soap, not cologne. Gary said he thought it was cologne because it was so overpowering. He's never smelled anything like it before in his life. Tim said he swears that it's soap but then said that he puts lotion on after he shaves. That was like cologne according to Howard. Howard said that he's putting on an aftershave which is like cologne.
Tim said that he puts this lotion on and he's been doing it a long time. He doesn't even look at what brand it is though. Howard wanted to smell him because he couldn't smell it himself. He had him come over to him so he could sniff. He said it wasn't bad after he came over. He said he smelled okay to him. Artie smelled him and said it smells like jizz to him.
Howard asked Tim if he's happy that all of their old radio stations are doing badly. Tim said that it's good to be out of there. He said that stuff was yesterday and they had fun doing it but they're done with that. He said that this is such an incredible place for creativity. He was up on his soap box preaching the goodness of satellite radio so Fred played some patriotic music behind him as he was doing that.
Artie asked Tim who is going to be the next guest on the Shuli Show. He was joking about Shuli having all of these shows where he helps people do their own radio shows. He then went into his Sheik impression and created what the show might be like if he didn't have Shuli there to help him out. Howard thanked Tim for coming in and let him go a short time later.
Howard said that you can check that out at DamnShow.com. That one was shot last year so he was actually out there trick or treating. Howard asked Benjy if he gets trick or treaters at his apartment so they could do something wild. Benjy started talking about giving kids cigarettes and needles and stuff but Howard said that they shouldn't mess with kids like that.
Benjy said he wanted to go out trick or treating in the projects but Doug Goodstein didn't let him to it. Howard said he could have gotten himself killed doing something like that so maybe it's best they didn't. He went to break a short time later.
Howard wondered what he's eating to make himself so fat. Benjy said that he just eats a lot of food and he knows he can lose it if he wants to. Benjy eats a lot of salad and stuff so maybe he should just start enjoying his fat and eat like Artie does. Artie said he's told Benjy that he's a jerk off because of that.
Steve Langford came in and said that Artie got a card and a gift from Dana on his 40th birthday. He said that Artie has said that he doesn't think there's any chance of them getting back together at this point though. Fred played the Anne Murray song that Artie sang in the studio one time. Artie sang along with that a little bit before Howard asked him what's going on there. Artie said that she told him that she's thinking about him often and wanted to let him know. She left him a message and Artie tried calling her back but he left her a message as well.
Howard asked if Dana said she's dating. Artie said she didn't say and spared him the details on his birthday. Howard said he'd love to find out what she's up to. Howard asked him if he wants him to check into it. Artie said no to that.
Ralph called in and told Howard he should weigh everyone in and find out who gained back their weight from that weight loss challenge. Benjy said he thinks he gained about 30 pounds back. Ralph also brought up how Tim claimed that he had been going to the gym and he doesn't believe that.
Howard asked the guys if they wanted to weigh themselves. Benjy was up for it so he went over to the scale. Howard said that Jason has gotten fat again too. Artie didn't think Jason had gained all that much back though. Benjy got on the scale and he was back up to 247 from 204 or so when he'd lost the weight. Benjy said he could be down to 235 by tomorrow. Howard asked how long it had been since the weight loss thing. Gary said it was 4 months.
Artie was laughing his ass off that Benjy had gained that much back so quick. Howard had Jason get on the scale next. Jason was down to 213 at the end of the contest. Jason said he didn't even want to get on the scale but he figures he's over 240. Jason got on the scale and shot up to 252!
Howard said that Artie probably gained the least since that weight loss thing. Artie said that might be true but he's still up around 300 pounds. He figures he's between 295 and 305. He just weighed himself a day ago and didn't want to get on the scale again. Gary told him that if he came in at 305 he'd be a winner. Howard thinks that Artie might be over 310.
Howard asked what Jon Hein is up to. Jon was down to 238 in the challenge. He was up to 254. Scott the Engineer came in and Howard thought he still looked kind of thin. Scott said he was down to about 215 at the end of the contest. He was up to 238. Mike Gange was at 253 at the end of the contest. Today he was up at 255, not so bad. He said he's trying to lose weight lately.
Howard said that Jason was excited about losing weight. Jason said he got lazy and started eating bad and he has no one to blame but himself. Gary said that Howard, Will and Fred were all looking at them because they're still thin. Gary hopped on the scale and came in at 223 pounds, not too far from where he was months ago.
Steve Langford got back into his news preview and said that Artie will be speaking up at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting even though Howard TV won't be able to cover it. Steve said that they also have a story about Denise Rich having Benjy on her yacht recently and talking about what she thinks of Howard. They also have a story about Chuck Zito claiming that he's going to be in five films. Chuck also comments on Pam Anderson's marriage to Rick Soloman.
Howard had Jon Hein come in next. Jon ran down his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be talking about Howard and Beth's problems that went on this morning. Howard asked Jon to please not spend too much time on that subject. Artie pointed out that Howard was editing that show. Howard said he was making a personal plea, not editing the show.
Howard played a clip from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Gary was trying to find out what Sal was willing to do if they got him some free plastic surgery to get him a chin implant. Sal said he was willing to take a little bit of Richard's pinkie up his ass. Richard was really interested in doing that so Howard said that Richard has to have some gay tendencies if he's that interested in that.
Jon went through a few more subjects that they're going to try and cover today and then wrapped up the wrap up preview. Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's great to hear Robin laughing over her own laugh when Fred plays those clips of her laugh from the other day. Fred played those again and had Robin laughing at herself again before she started her news.
Howard said he could grow out a full moustache and then just shave it down to the Hitler moustache for Letterman. He said that Hitler may have been a negative but there's no reason to stop that great moustache look.
Robin read a story from People Magazine where they interviewed Beth and they seemed to be saying that Beth had pinned Howard down to a date sometime next summer. Howard said that they've both agreed that getting married next year is the right time but some people think that Howard is the one being stubborn. He said that he's into it, he wants to get married. He said he may even make it on September 5th, which is Will's wedding day, so that everyone comes to his wedding instead of Will's.
Howard went to break during the news and when he came back he had Mariann from Brooklyn on the line. She went off on Oprah and her guests when Jerry Seinfeld was on. She also wished Artie a happy birthday before Howard let her go.
Howard read a story about this guy who has a Hitler moustache and they actually call it a toothbrush moustache. He read through the article where they talk about how it was a hit look for a while but then Hitler took it over and ruined it. Howard said he has to read the whole article, it looks interesting. He scanned it quickly and found that Hitler's sister-in-law Bridget may have been partially to blame for the look. He stopped reading it because it was too much to take in without pre-reading it. Jason came in and said that it was kind of fuzzy as to when he actually started wearing it. Howard said he has to make sure he lets the audience know that he's not a fan of Hitler's, just the moustache.
Robin read a story about some research being done on a possible ''gay gene'' and that led to the guys talking about that for a short time. Howard said he doesn't believe that there is a gay gene and it's all a psychological thing. He said that he doesn't have a problem with homosexuality, he's pro gay, but he doesn't believe that there's a gay gene. Artie said he disagrees and always thought Howard agreed with his views on that subject. Artie said he thinks that it is something that you're born with.
Robin went through some more news stories. The guys spent some time talking sports. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Howard started off the show asking everyone if they were in a good mood. Fred played Robin's laugh which was a bit much for first thing in the morning. Howard said that was a little too happy that early. He said it still makes him laugh when he hears that laugh. Robin said that's a good thing when a laugh can make you laugh.
Howard brought up this story about Ellen Degeneres who adopted a dog from a shelter of some sort, and she has cats too. She had the dog for around a month and she's unable to train it so the dog and cats don't get along very well. He said they usually have you sign something at the shelter that says you won't return it there. They try to put some sort of governor on these people who adopt pets. Ellen ended up giving the dog to her hair dresser or something and her kids got attached to it. She kind of broke the rules and had an emotional outburst on her show. He said she should abide by the rules but she didn't and then had this breakdown.
Howard said he heard that Ellen could possibly have adopted 9 different puppies and none of them worked out. Those were just rumors so he can't confirm that but he's sure some reporter out there could check into it. He said that he does commend her for putting the dog into a good home though. He was saying that some people don't do that. Howard said that this could be some kind of crazy pattern with her if she has done this more than one time.
Howard had the audio of Ellen breaking down so he played that for everyone. Artie said he hadn't even heard about this so he had no idea what they were about to hear. Ellen starts crying right away and talked about how she has bad days sometimes and it's hard to do the show. Howard stopped the tape and said he's able to disassociate from the bad stuff when he has a bad day and he can get right past that stuff to do his show. He's never been that upset.
Ellen goes on to talk about how bad of a day she's having and how she can't pretend to be funny and on when things are going so terribly wrong in her life. She says she's going to tell the story and they're going to get over it so they can have a good show. She then explains how she adopts animals and finds them homes. She's done this for many years. She adopted this dog and spent $3,000 to get it neutered and trained. The training didn't work so she had to find the dog a new home. She knew some people who wanted the dog, Iggy, so she gave it to this family who loves the dog. She got a call from the organization asking how the dog was doing. She told them the truth, they then informed her that the dog has to go back to the shelter where she got it from. Ellen then breaks down and cries saying she feels responsible for having the dog ripped away from this family.
Howard said he does support the idea of knowing where the dog goes and keeping an eye on them. He said he doesn't know what kind of shelter this is but Robin said she knew what it was. They could have gotten the dog into that home by going through the right process. Howard said that he may be right about that 9 adopted dog story thing.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she had a similar problem with a dog a few years back. She said that this has happened. She said that it was the same problem, the dog didn't get along with her cats, so she had to get rid of it. Howard said that she might be nuts if she keeps doing this stuff. Artie said that it seems that Ellen is really into pussy.
Howard said that Beth works with this North Shore Animal League and she knows how hard it is to find good homes for these pets. Howard said that if Ellen is adopting dogs and giving them up, someone needs to investigate her. The woman on the phone said she doesn't think that Ellen is sane. Artie said that she's not the only one who thinks that. Artie also pointed out that Johnny Carson did his show the same night his son had died in a horrible accident. He didn't break down crying like Ellen is over a dog.
Howard played more of Ellen crying and explaining why she feels so horrible. She apologizes and begs the shelter to give the dog back to the family. Ellen then says that they have a great show coming up and tries to put that behind her. Artie said ''What a great show this is!''
Howard said Drew Carrey was the guest on the show that day. He wondered what he did when he came out. He didn't have the audio of that interview so he replayed Ellen's breakdown and threw in Robin's laugh track at the worst moments. He had Robin laughing at various moments during the story. Howard interrupted when Ellen said that she'd paid the vet extra money so the dog wouldn't spend time in a cage after it was neutered. He wondered what that was all about. Fred thinks she did that so she wouldn't have to do any work to take care of the dog's bleeding or anything like that. He said it was obvious that she didn't want the dog right from the start.
Howard got back to the audio clip and threw in Robin's laugh track. He said they could do that with the saddest moments in history and make them all funny.
Howard took a call from a guy pretending to be Ellen's dog Iggy who said he tried getting in on the lesbian sex between Ellen and Portia. Artie asked him if he ever ate out Ellen. He said that he tried to but got slapped in the face. He said he wanted to go back with Ellen because he loved her so much. Artie said the dog sounds like he's Hispanic too. The guy said that they brought him in from over the border so he was right about that. Howard asked him if they picked up his doody for him. Iggy said that he had to pick it up himself actually. Howard let him go after that. Robin said she had more questions for that dog about what went on but Howard had hung up on him already.
Robin said that when you bring new animals into a house, it takes time to let them get used to each other. It sounds like Ellen may have given up a little early. In the clip she said she'd just adopted the dog on September 20th so it hadn't even been a month.
Howard said that Robin built a house just for her cats. She said that she didn't have a house built for them but she did have to separate some of her cats from her because they were fighting so much. JD came in around that time and the guys goofed on him as if he was a cat with Fred doing his JD voice as a cat saying ''meow.''
JD had brought in a clip of Ellen talking to her guests about her break down and how she appreciated them. Howard threw in Robin's laugh again during that clip.
Howard said that this is such a crock of horse shit and she's turning this into a show. He said that they should chain her down and not let her eat. If she didn't eat so much, she wouldn't get fat. Howard said that he felt tired yesterday but he went out and ran a couple of miles anyway. Artie said that his mother has a thyroid problem but she's not fat. Howard said that Artie's mom is thin and hot, really, really hot.
Howard said that she should just admit that she can't keep her weight down. She's got a cook and a trainer and she still finds time to eat too much. She has people who regulate how much she eats and she's still fat.
Howard said that some reporter has to check into this Ellen story and find out if it's true that she adopted 9 dogs and gave them all up to other people. Robin said that if she was dealing with this stuff on her own, maybe it would all go away.
Gary came in and said that Sal called in sick and left a message where he has to cough to make sure they know he's actually sick. He had the audio clip for Howard to play. Sal coughs about halfway through the call and says he was ''pulling an Artie'' by throwing in that cough. Sal also told Gary to give him a call if he needs him for anything today. Gary said they should call him. No one needs anything from him but they should call him.
Fred played one of Artie's voice mails where he calls in and coughs for Gary when he calls in sick. Fred said that one was from 1/31/05 and Artie threw in a few coughs during that call. There was another one that he'd played before that one that didn't have a cough in it. Robin said that was the worst acting ever. Artie said that was for real. Gary said that one was probably put in the system on that date but Fred said they weren't even there then. Fred had another one that was from Artie's heroin days when he was calling in sick for a week. He was faking being sick then too.
Howard goofed on Artie by doing an impression of his sick voice and telling Gary he was calling in sick because he had a gun battle outside of his house. Fred then found a few other calls that Artie made back around the time he was on heroin. He claimed to have some kind of stomach virus and he was going to see a doctor for it.
Howard said that it would have been great if Artie had just been honest and told Gary that he was trying to get off of the stuff so that's why he wasn't coming in. Robin said he could have been on the toilet when he called and shit while he was claiming he had been up shitting and puking all night. Howard did an impression of Artie doing that stuff.
Howard pretended to be taking a shit and started making pushing noises like he was trying to take a crap. It went on a little long and Artie asked if he was waiting for Fred to throw in a fart sound. He said he was and Fred wasn't coming through for him. Fred