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Howard started off the show saying he was listening to some Iron Sheik clips because he's coming in today. He said he was listening to him going off on Hulk Hogan and his family. He played the clip a short time later and explained how Sheik gets upset because Hogan doesn't get on the phone with him even though he's told him in the past that he loves him. Howard said he's not really surprised by that. In the clip Sheik is talking about how Hogan used to tell him he loved him and he owed him one for the things he did. Then he says he saw him a month ago and Hogan wanted to put him on his reality show. Then he never got a return call back and said he'd beat him even though he's handicapped and 90 years old. He calls him names and says he'd fuck him, his wife, his daughter and his son.
Howard got a laugh out of that and said that the son is underage so he might have to wait a little longer before he can fuck him. He said that Sheik always goes off on people about being gay but he always goes to the gay stuff himself saying he wants to fuck guys. Artie did his impression of Sheik and brought up the gay stuff. Howard wrote that gay thing down as a question he can ask Sheik today. Howard played a couple of song parodies with Iron Sheik clips in them. He said he'd be in later in the show
Howard said that he and Artie had gone out to a dinner the night before with his family. He was glad that they were going out to dinner alone the next night. Howard said he bought out the whole restaurant John's Pizza and filled it with beer, pizza and pasta. Howard said he and Beth discussed the whole thing and came up with the idea so Artie wouldn't have to get dressed up or anything like that. Howard said they had some help from this Sheila woman.
Howard said that they got a quote from the place to close down the restaurant, which they had never done in their history before. They were going to stay open until 1 in the morning and they'd do anything they wanted over there. Howard said it was unbelievable what they did over there. Howard had 4 slices of pizza himself and he was drinking beer like crazy too.
Howard said that he could hear everyone shushing each other before they walked into the restaurant. He said they couldn't even do the surprise party right. He said they all got out of the car and told Artie that this place was next to John's so they had him all confused. Howard said he had invited some of Artie's comedian friends and people like that. Jim Florentine, Nick DiPaolo and Joe Matarese were there. Howard said he figured that Robin would have shown up because Jim was there. She wasn't there though because she couldn't make it.
Artie said that she and Robin are going to go see Chaz Palmentari in a play he's doing. He said he always hates the attention he gets at parties and thought he'd hate a surprise party. He said that he actually loved this one and said that he loved getting the gifts and stuff. Howard said he couldn't tell when it was going on but he heard from him the next day that he loved it.
Artie said that he had pizza dough powder all over him by the end of the night. It didn't kick in that it was a great party until it started thinning out around 11 that night. They were all just hanging out and eating whatever they wanted. They had people showing up at the place all night and getting pissed that it was closed to the public.
Howard said that Robin and Fred couldn't make it there. Fred was down in Texas doing a gig with his band. Howard said that Richard Christy couldn't make it because he was out doing his Halloween thing. He told Beth ''You know how much I love Halloween...'' like she should know that. She had no idea he loved Halloween. Richard went on to tell her that he and his girlfriend, Christy, have the whole month booked up doing haunted house visits. He was talking about rescheduling stuff but she didn't want to get involved in all of that stuff. Richard said he couldn't reschedule the whole thing because he had booked his trip to Salem, Massachusetts a year ago.
Howard said that he had some audio of Artie walking into the restaurant. The Howard TV guys were there so they played the video for them and we heard the audio. Artie said he was really surprised when they walked into that place. You could hear everyone yelling out ''surprise!'' to him when he walked in. Artie went on to talk about how crazy it was to shut down a whole restaurant like that for the night. He said he can't imagine what he spent on something like that. He said he was thinking how great it was to have people like that in his life. He was blown away by the whole thing.
Artie said that he, Gary, Ross and Ralph were sitting in a booth just goofing around talking and they had all the pizza they could eat the whole night. Howard said that this guy asked him what he likes and Artie said he likes sausage and mushrooms and waited until it came before he ate. He wouldn't take any other pizza before he got that special one. He said that Artie even shared the pizza with the other people there. He had some other types of food as well but he thinks he had about 11 slices that night. He said he had meatballs, sausage and peppers and other stuff.
Howard said that there was one person who was an asshole there. Everyone who worked there was great though. He said that the one person who was an asshole was Sal. Fred was the one who guessed who Howard was about to talk to. Fred said that Ronnie was his back up when he heard Howard say there was an asshole there. Howard said that Ronnie was acting really weird there that night too.
Howard said that Sal and his wife were there and his wife wasn't very friendly to him. Howard said that she might be kind of loopy because of being married to Sal. He said that Sal grew up in a pizzeria so he asked if he could make one of his own in the kitchen. He said that Scott DePace wanted to make one himself so they had a little contest going there. Howard said that Sal ended up smearing pizza sauce all over Scott's face and Scott got pissed and did the same to Sal. Howard said Beth got really pissed because they were doing this on Artie's night. Howard told them to knock it off because this isn't the studio and this isn't their home.
Howard said that DePace is a good sport and he put up with crap like that. Howard said it was going to escalate and he didn't want to let them go there. He had to put a stop to it and it was all Sal. He said that Scott could have walked away but he you don't want Sal's hands all over your face. Artie said Sal had sauce all over him the whole night so he asked him what went on. Sal told him that he'd gotten into a food fight.
Robin said that she and Judith gave themselves coffee enemas while they were doing this detox. Howard had to find out more about that so he asked her about how exactly they do that stuff. Robin said they dark brew some coffee, cool it down and then shoot it into their asses with an enema bag. Robin said she lays on her side and sticks the tube into her ass about 7 or 8 inches and then shoots the coffee in there. Howard was surprised to hear the 7 or 8 inches thing. She said it goes in there pretty easy. She said that it's very simple to do that and it all comes with the enema bag. Robin said the bag hangs above you and the coffee runs in their by gravity. She said it just takes a couple of minutes.
Howard asked how you stop the coffee from dripping prematurely. She said there's a clamp on the tube. She said that you hold the coffee for 12-15 minutes while laying on the floor and then release it. She said that it helps to clean your liver. She says that there's a link to your liver in that part of your colon that helps release stuff from your liver. Howard said he doesn't even know if that's true and what doctors must think.
Howard asked if Judith was doing this at the same time. Robin said she wasn't sure exactly what she was doing. She said that Judith did fill her enema bag with the coffee though. Robin said she put on some nice music and lit a candle while she did this. She said that you only use a quart of this stuff and you have to know what you're doing before you get into this stuff.
Robin said that she had some music playing and watched the clock on the CD player to make sure she held in the coffee for 12-15 minutes. She said she has to hold it in because your bowels want to get it out of there. She said she was able to hang in there for enough time before she had to go.
Robin said she releases the coffee and sometimes it can make you shit. She said that she does inspect what she just let out too. Howard asked her if she had doody this time when she went. Robin said she didn't have a lot because she was juice fasting over the weekend. Artie said that she's doing every trendy thing with these people she hangs out with. Howard could picture that being a scene in the new ''Sex and the City'' movie.
Howard asked Robin how Judith is doing since she lost her job. Robin said she's kind of retired now and she's very happy doing what she's doing. She has a house here and a house in Sicily so she's doing just fine. Howard told Robin that's good for her to be doing all of this stuff. He said he's surprised that Robin didn't see Judith naked or anything. Robin said she didn't see her naked and she doesn't know if she has nice tits or not like Howard had just asked.
Artie said that he'd rather clog up his colon than clean it out. Robin said that she's had Judith over to her place to do the same thing. She told Howard that Judith has really long hair now and it goes down her whole back. She said that's good because some older women get ''old lady hair'' eventually and it's really nasty.
Robin said that she was walking down the street the other day and a set of black twins stopped her on the street and yelled out her name. She said she felt like she was in The Matrix or something. She said that the guys were dressed the same and everything and it was very odd. Artie said that maybe they were shooting a Doublemint commercial or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who wished Artie a happy birthday but his voice was shot from being sick. The guys said he sounded kind of like Jackie. He told Artie how cool it was for Howard to do that party for him. He also said he can't believe that enema story. That led to Howard asking Robin how much weight she's lost. She didn't want to say exactly how much she'd lost but Howard kept digging and found out it was somewhere between 45 and 60 pounds. He told her she's looking really good now.
Artie said that Howard has claimed that he could eat more than him and he saw a hint of that this weekend. Howard said that Artie didn't even see him eating some of the other stuff other than the pizza. Artie was drinking Coca Cola that night for some of the night but then he went to the Jack Daniels eventually. Artie said that party was the greatest party anyone has thrown for him before.
Howard heard that there were some nice gifts that night. Artie said that Tim and Ross got him a really nice photograph of Bruce Springsteen from 1978 or so. Artie said his favorite album of Bruce's came out that year. He said the gift was great.
Howard said that Ralph was talking about how Isaac's wife was too hot for him and even Jason's girlfriend was too hot for him. Howard said that Ralph was really angry with Isaac. He said that Doug's wife Marlo was there too and he was thinking about Jason talking about beating off to her. He said she said that was disturbing but he figured that she had to be flattered. Howard said he'd be flattered if someone said they beat off to Beth. He found out that Marlo was kind of flattered.
Isaac came in and asked Howard if he thinks he's too ugly for his wife. Howard said it was Ralph, not him. Howard said he saw glitter on Artie's face so he asked him if he went to a strip club or anything. Artie said he hasn't been to one lately. He doesn't go to Scores anymore since Lonnie isn't there anymore. Artie realized that the glitter on his face came from the card he got from Beth.
Howard said they got an invite to go see Carmen Luvana dancing at some club. He said he'd go if he was single. He gave the card to Artie so he can give the guy a call.
Howard said they got a memo from the guy that runs the Playboy channel when they asked him to put Eric on again. This time the guy said that they don't have any reason to put him on and they're looking to keep the channel sexy so they won't be able to put him on. They may be able to tape the call between Eric and the call screener but that's about it. Howard said that he can't even get Eric back on that channel. Eric said ''Great!''' and didn't have much of anything else to say.
Howard said that Eric is going to read from his children's book later this week. Eric said that he's almost finished with his book ''Dougie the Puggie.'' Gary came in and said that Eric called him and almost threatened him the other day. He said that he threatens to do stuff but he's not sure what kind of threat he can give him. Howard played the clip where Eric says he's not happy about being called a charity case. Eric said that he didn't say anything that day but now he has to tell him to never say any remark like that again. He told him it was out of line and called Gary a ''horse faced piece of shit'' and told him to fuck off.
Gary said that if he decides not to listen to him, what's going to happen. Howard said that Eric can make something happen, maybe he'll call Johnny Fratto again. Gary said that they're trying to get dudes excited over there at Playboy and this Eric gets on and brings it to a grinding halt. Howard told Eric he had to get moving along.
Eric said he had a news thing to tell them that was from Johnny (Fratto). Howard asked if it's going to take a long time. Eric said it wouldn't and said that Johnny and his son were out in Vegas with Scott Baio and Johnny got into an alcohol related melee. Howard cut him off and said that he had Judith Regan on the line ready to talk about publishing his book.
Howard put her on for Eric but it turned out to be High Pitch Eric. Howard pretended that Eric was Judith and asked her some questions about Robin's coffee enema. High Pitch Eric said that Jim Florentine's semen came out of Robin's ass that day. High Pitch said that he wanted to buy Eric's book and then hit him over the head with it. Eric got all pissed off at High Pitch and Howard and said that he can't believe that he thinks he'd fall for this shit every time. High Pitch told Eric to ''fuck off midget'' and then got off the phone.
Eric asked if he could finish his story. Howard and Artie thought it was too boring so they told him to skip it. Ralph called in and asked what Eric is doing calling the show again. He said that Eric put out a press release back in August saying that he'd never call again but now he's back on the show. He bad mouths Howard all the time and then comes right back to the show. They won't have it him on the Playboy channel again so he has to call someone.
Ralph asked Eric what he's doing. Eric said that he didn't plan on coming back but if Langford hadn't done the story he was upset over, he never would have returned. Jessica Hahn called in and said that the playboy people are really nice but no one wants to hear him on any show other than Howard's. Jessica tried to work with Eric by having him do a sexy call but it just doesn't work.
Howard said he had Eric's call to the Playboy channel to play but Eric was still trying to get in this story about Johnny Fratto. Howard played the call that Eric made to the Playboy channel with Bridget and Wednesday. He had nothing interesting to say to the hot chicks on the show. Artie said that every aspect about Eric was boring him today. He didn't even want to finish that call. He told him to go bore the other people in his life. Howard said there's nothing boring about him. He let Eric go a short time later though. He said they had gone an hour and 8 minutes already and hadn't taken a break yet.
Howard asked Sal why he did what he did. Sal said that he thought that Scott had actually gone overboard by throwing so much sauce on him. He said they were just having fun and then Scott threw this big glob of sauce on him.
Ralph called in and said that Sal was walking down the street that night and pulled out his cock and wiped it on a pumpkin that was out in front of the store. He said it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen but there were people all over the place that night. Sal said if he had been drinking that night he would have taken a shit on those pumpkins.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that he got chills last week when Sal said those words he did to Pat Cooper's girlfriend. Howard didn't want to get into that again so he dropped it.
Sal said that he wrote a book about Artie from a child's point of view but Gary ruined it for him by telling him that he was a weirdo. He said that the book was written in crayon and had stories about Artie in the book. Gary said that he was looking at the book on Sal's computer screen and it was really creepy. He said he didn't think it was touching but Sal thought it was. He said that Artie may find it kind of funny but it wasn't touching. Sal said he put a lot of work into it and Gary ruined it by saying it wasn't touching.
Gary told Sal not to misdirect the whole thing about him being an asshole on Friday night. Sal said he was asked to do that pizza making contest by the Howard TV guys. He didn't ask to do it. He got back to this poem thing that he wrote and how he just turned it into a poem instead of giving him the whole book. Gary was telling Sal that he was boring over and over again.
Sal said that Gary isn't creative and wondered what he gave him as a gift. Artie said that Gary actually gave him a great gift of a new iPod filled with music. Sal said those things are a dime a dozen and Gary didn't put in his time like he did.
Howard had to go to break a short time later. He was saying that he had gone an hour an 17 minutes without a break and that's the way things go there on satellite radio, but he does have to break once in a while.
Howard asked Lisa about her talking to Beth about finding a boyfriend. Lisa said that it's hard to meet people and that's what she was talking to Beth about when Howard walked over to them that night. She said she's just leading her life and doing her thing. Howard said Beth was talking to him about how cute Lisa is and how she can't believe she can't find anyone.
Lisa said that she and Beth had a nice conversation that night and she found out how Beth and Howard had met. Beth met him at the right time, about a year after his marriage ended. She didn't get him right after the marriage had ended so he had time to get his dating out of the way. Lisa said that the way to meet guys is to dress really sexy for pizza parties. Artie said that threw him off that night because Beth didn't look like she was going to a pizza place. Howard said that he got laid that night too.
Lisa said they have some news about Artie's pizza party. They'll also have a story about the Artie Lange Cupcake going bi-coastal at the Crumbs Bakeries out on the West Coast. Artie said he took that birthday cupcake cake home with him last week and it's all gone now.
Lisa said that Jason and Will have a Page 69 story about how Sal and Richard are upset about being left out of some meetings there at the show. They're not going to go into the studio during commercial breaks anymore because of that.
Howard said they contacted Anne Murray for Artie but she wouldn't even hear of it to come in and perform for Artie. That's the song that he's performed on the air before. Gary said he's never been treated worse than by her people. They told him that this wouldn't happen in this lifetime. They were going to have some other stuff for Artie but nothing worked out.
Howard let Lisa go after that and played Artie singing the Anne Murray song that they were talking about. Artie threw in a new line of ''Fuck Anne Murray'' while they were playing that.
Artie asked Alyssah how much it would cost to watch her giving herself a coffee enema. She just laughed. Howard asked her about how some guys will ask her to act like a farm animal. She said that she'll bark like a dog and sometimes use a butt plug that has a tail on it to act like a horse or something. She said she loves what she does and she finds out a lot of secrets about these guys she meets.
Howard asked Alyssah if she's got a boyfriend. She doesn't have one right now but she does like to have girls in her life. She said that she charges $6 a minute to do this stuff and she has some guys who will stay on for hours. She once had a guy stay on for 5 hours. Howard did some math and found out that an hour would cost $360 and then two hours would be $720. He had some help from Artie trying to figure that out.
Howard asked Alyssah to talk dirty to him so she did that a little bit. She was pretending to be his mommy and only did that for about 30 seconds. Howard read some more notes about her and asked her about this Dominatrix thing. She's into that in her personal life. She said she loves to dominate men.
Howard moved on to the Wheel of Sex and told her she had to do some stuff before he'd plug her web site. Howard told her about the stuff that was on the wheel. Here's what was on the wheel:
Alyssa took her top off and showed Howard her boobs. She had nipple piercings and told Howard that she wishes that he'd tug on them. Howard said he wishes that he could do that too. It wasn't going to happen though. Howard saw that she was on Bubba's show so he asked her about that. She told Howard about what she did that day on Bubba's show and then Howard asked her to take off her panties. She went right ahead and did that. Eric yelled out ''Take it off bitch!'' and then went into his man voice and told her to take them off.
Alyssah went down and started eating the underwear off of Eric. Howard told her she had to take 3 big bites. She said that she could smell his balls down there and it was pretty strong. Eric claimed that he showered at about 3:45 this morning though. She said it was still smelly down there. She asked to see his ass and then ate some of the underwear from back there. She was telling Eric that his ass was gross but then went right in and ate it. Eric said that he used baby wipes this morning. She said that it still smelled back there. Artie said that means he showered and then took a shit. Eric said he used baby wipes though.
Howard asked Eric if he was getting aroused. He wasn't and then Alyssah asked him where his cock was. She said it was so small she couldn't see it. Howard said it looked like there was nothing there. Robin said it looked like a doorbell. Howard said he really has no penis. Everyone was talking about how his penis had vanished and it looked like he just had balls. Howard said he's small himself but not that small. Artie said that he knows it's hard to get hard in a situation like this but there's really nothing there.
Howard said that Alyssah was great and gave her a plug for her web site Flirt4Free.com. Alyssah said that she wanted to give out her schedule but Howard played some audio of her talking to a guy first. She said she'll be on Wednesday night over there at that site.
Eric had a plug to give as well for ITFDHQ.com which is a site that's some kind of charity for a girl who has cancer. Eric did a charity gig recently and that's the site he gave out. He gave that out twice. He also said that he does a radio show at SyndicateRadio.tv on Friday nights from 8-10pm.
Howard moved on to Rachel next. He said that she's a porn star and very successful. She's done about 60 films so far. He asked her how she got into porn. She said she knew someone in the industry and they helped her get into it. Howard asked her about some of the stuff she's done in porn. She said that she once did a thing where she had a horse bridal in her mouth and an S hook in her ass. She was forced to keep her head back otherwise the hook would go farther into her ass. Mike Gange was making noise so Howard asked him what he was doing. He was trying to take an S hook off to show him what it looks like. Artie said that it's that hook over there that looks like an S.
Howard read that Rachel doesn't do any black guys. She said that she has nothing against them but it's just not her thing. She said she's not sure if she could take the size of a black guy because she's so tiny herself. She said that in her mind all black guys are huge and she's not sure she could take that.
Howard asked Rachel what she does for hobbies. She said that she likes tanning. She also likes to smoke a lot of weed. Howard told her it was time to spin the Wheel of Sex after that. He had her spin the wheel and it ended up on ''Chocolate bandit Mask from Sal. Sal came into the studio after that and she yelled out ''Noo!'' and giggled like crazy when she saw him come in. He was wearing the Baba Booey mask and had his balls out and was picking his nose.
Howard told Rachel that he was going to dip his balls in chocolate and then dip them on her face. She said she was expecting worse. She thought he was going to shit on her face and give her a ''red eye'' or something. Robin wanted to know what a red eye is. She said that's when a guy shits and doesn't wipe very well and then sits on someone's face.
Rachel took her clothes off and said her boobs are fake when Howard asked. She said that very proudly. Howard asked her about her nipples being pierced. She said she thought that they'd be more sensitive but it didn't work for her. Alyssah said her's are really sensitive. That led to the two of them messing around a little bit by playing with each other's nipple piercings for a few seconds.
Howard had Sal put the chocolate on his balls and then dipped them on her face. She got up and had chocolate on her face like a bandit might look. Howard had the guys give her a towel so she could wipe off. She said that she'd rather have that than cum in her eyes because that hurts. She had chocolate up her nose and tried to wipe it off.
Howard said that Rachel Roxxx is available at AmericasNextHotPornStar.com. She said that's for a special pay-per-view event that she was part of. She said that she makes an idiot of herself on the show and people can see her doing that. Howard gave her another plug and then gave Alyssah another plug.
Sal said he had another challenge for the girls if they wanted another plug. He said he hadn't washed his pouch in about 2 days and said that hey could smell it for another plug. Alyssah went down there and took a whiff and said it really smelled awful. Sal said that was only a day and a half of not washing. He said that Richard was willing to smell it as well so he came running in to take a whiff. Howard said that the show has gotten very weird lately.
Richard took a whiff of Sal's pouch and said that it was really bad but he wasn't going to puke or anything. Howard asked Rachel if she wanted another plug. She knew what the smell was going to be like so she passed on that. She said she's had uncircumcised men before and knows that it gets smelly down there. Howard wrapped up after giving out some more plugs. He went to break right after that.
Robin said that she watched the movie too and it was so depressing that she had to ask Artie if he's alright because if he can watch that and not get depressed, there's something wrong with him.
Howard said that the Iron Sheik has his own show tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm. They're going to give him an hour to do what he wants. Sheik came walking in a short time later and Artie started doing his impression right away.
Sheik came in and told Howard it was a pleasure to be there. Howard said he was excited to have him doing his own show there tonight. Sheik said he was excited as well. Sheik was breathing heavy so Howard asked him what was going on there. Sheik said he was worked up about Bubba the Love Sponge and Artie as well. He thinks he could kick their asses.
Howard said that Sheik has been appearing with the Killers of Comedy lately and he's making some good money doing that. Sheik said he gets $750-1000 and he steals the show every night. He said that he has people coming up to him at the end of the night asking for his autograph and stuff.
Howard said that Sheik was bad mouthing Hulk Hogan recently so he asked him what was going on there. Sheik said that he lost his belt to Hogan and he came to him after that and told him that he loves him and owes him one. He said that he hasn't heard from him since and won't return his calls. Sheik was saying that he saw him recently and Hogan said he was going to call him but he still hasn't heard from him. Howard said he knows that Sheik thinks of himself as a man's man but he says that he wants to fuck Hogan's wife Linda, his daughter and even his son. Sheik said that he doesn't hate him that much. He said that's a cheap hit and it must have been someone else talking about them like that, he would never do that. Howard said he has tape of it though so he did say it. Sheik said he never said anything bad about his wife or daughter, it ''must have been somebody misunderstand.''
Sheik went off on Hogan again and said that he'd beat the crap out of him, put him in the camel clutch and then fuck him in the ass. Howard told him that's very gay so Sheik said that he'd fuck in him in the ass with a beer bottle. Sheik said that he can't do stuff like that because he's not Michael Jackson or Elton John. He said that he can only fuck a guy in the ass with a beer bottle. He was breathing really heavy as Howard was talking to him after his rant so Howard had to ask him if he was okay. Sheik said he was fine but he was breathing really heavy.
Howard asked Sheik about his crack cocaine problem. Sheik said he did have a problem and thanked Howard for bringing that up. He said he still smoked a little marijuana now but that's it.
Howard took a call from a guy pretending to be Hulk Hogan and had him yelling at Sheik. That set Sheik off and he was yelling at him that he was going to fuck his ass and get even with him. He said that he's going to beat the fuck out of him and then said he's going to stick his 10 inch cock into his ass. Sheik sounded like he was about to pass out after that.
Howard asked Sheik about being married to the same woman for the past 35 years. Sheik said that is true and explained how he came to this country and ended up getting married. Howard said he heard that his wife doesn't love him because he lost so much money. Sheik said that's not true but then said that she's a gold digger and they don't always sleep in the same bed. He said he has his own room in the house and has his privacy. Howard thought that his wife was upset with him for losing the money on coke and stuff. He said that she's just a gold digger who only loves him when he has money.
Howard asked Sheik if he talks to his wife. He said that they do talk and they have family over and stuff. He said that she broke his heart and she doesn't really want him when he doesn't have money. Howard told him that maybe he should go find another woman then. He said that he can't have sex with another woman unless he gets divorced. Howard said that maybe he should get divorced then. Sheik said he won't do that and he can't have sex with someone else because he's Muslim. Howard said he must get aroused when he sees other women though. Sheik said that he hasn't had sex in 2 years with his wife.
Howard asked Sheik about masturbating. He didn't even know what that word meant so Howard had to tell him that it's when you jerk off. Sheik said he doesn't do that because he's ashamed to do such a thing. He knows that his god is watching over him and he's too embarrassed to do that.
Sheik was talking about how even though it's against his religion, he does eat pork and drink alcohol because he's wants to be sociable here in this country. Howard interrupted that with a call from someone pretending to be Macho Man Randy Savage. That set Sheik off and he was yelling at the guy for a couple of minutes. Howard took another call from a guy who told Howard he was going to kill this guy if he kept it up like this. Sheik was breathing really heavy and wasn't able to catch his breath. He claimed he was in the best shape of his life though.
Howard gave Sheik a plug for this web site EssPromotions.com where you can book him for appearances and stuff. He said you can also see him on the Killers of Comedy tour and find tickets at CleanboxEntertainment.com
Ralph called in and asked if Howard could imagine this guy on coke. He'd be even more out of his mind. They talked about that a little bit. They also talked more about Sheik's family and how he has a grandkid. He said he doesn't care if his wife doesn't sleep with him anymore.
Howard talked to Sheik about the president of Iran and asked him what he thinks of that guy. Sheik said that he hasn't been home since he left. Howard asked him if he supports the rights for gays to get married. Sheik said that in America they can do that but not in Iran. He said ''yes and no'' to the question after Howard asked it a couple of times. He didn't have a definitive answer.
Howard asked Sheik what he's going to be doing on his show tonight. He said that anyone can call in and talk to him about anything they want.
Howard said that King Kong Bundy was there to say hello to him. They brought in High Pitch Eric dressed up as Bundy. Sheik said he looked like another faggot and said he looks like Michael Jackson with the fat ass he has. He said that he would fuck that fat fuck. He said that even Michael Jackson wouldn't fuck that fat ass. Eric had ''Insert Iranian Cock Here'' written on his back when he turned around. Howard said that Eric was so gross that Sheik wouldn't even threaten to fuck him in the ass. Howard kicked Eric out of there a short time later as Sheik was yelling at him. Eric was yelling right back at him though.
Howard wrapped up with Sheik and gave him another plug for his show tonight. He also gave him plugs for those web sites he'd mentioned earlier.
Howard said that Imus never even beat Curtis and Kuby and they're being booted so they can replace them with Imus. Howard read that Imus is ready to talk about Hillary Clinton taking advantage of the Rutgers situation with his show.
Howard read that Curtis Sliwa is moving to work with John Gambling on his show. He said that Barbara Walters is also supposed to be interviewing Imus for 20/20. He said that it's so laughable and he hopes that Barbara reads him his ratings. He said that no matter what they do to publicize this, it won't even show up in the ratings. People may listen for a day but that blip won't show up in the ratings because they don't work that way. Howard said that he's not sure what Fahrid is thinking by hiring him over there.
Robin asked how many people were at the party. Howard said there were about 72 or so. Howard said he had some of the people from the news department and people from the show. Ralph Howard from the news department was there. He said he didn't know that his wife works in show business and was busy working on the movie Sex and the City that night. Artie said that Ralph is a real nice guy.
Ralph called in and said that he didn't even know that Scott was at the party. He said he was there the whole time and didn't see him once. He said that he's such a loser, that's why he doesn't get invited to parties. The guys were saying that Ronnie was acting really weird there too. Scott came in and said that he didn't volunteer the information about his hernia, he was asked by Jim McClure to talk about it.
Howard asked Scott what happened to his penis since the operation because he heard that his penis retracted into his body. Scott said that it's still in there and there really isn't anything good in his life.
Howard asked Ronnie what's up with him lately. Ronnie said he didn't bother anyone that night. He said that he's behaving himself and now Howard is giving him a hard time about that. He said he spent most of the night talking to Scott Ferrall and didn't bother anyone. He talked to Artie and didn't know why Robin was grilling him about this stuff when she didn't even show up to the party.
Scott said that he kept his distance from Artie because he didn't anything to come up on the air. He also claims that he did say hello to Ralph. Howard let him go and Ronnie said that he wanted to know why he wasn't talking about the email about that prank they did last week with Steve Langford. Howard said he will read it but he doesn't care if people thought it was okay, he was pissed about them doing it.
Howard said that he had this news report where a reporter was talking about a mass kissing event that took place down in Florida. She asked another reporter about the hearts that the people were wearing at the event and said ''what would you think if you saw your boyfriend out there with a heart on...'' and it sounded like she said ''hard on.'' They goofed on that a little bit before Ralph called back in.
Ralph said that it's funny how so many people watch everything that Howard does at these parties he goes to. They were talking about the pizza he was eating and how he split at 9:35 on the button. Ralph said that everyone was talking about how weird it was that Howard was eating pizza. Howard hadn't had any pizza in years so it was kind of surprised that he was actually eating it. Howard said that he likes Ralph because he doesn't bother him about stuff like that. Ralph said that people shouldn't bother him about shit like that, they should just leave him alone.
Howard said that people were all excited that he was having a beer too. They made a big deal out of that and the pizza. Howard said it was a pizza party, what is he supposed to eat? Ralph told Howard ''it's tough being you man.'' Gary said that Howard and Beth are the two tallest people there and it's so obvious when they leave. Howard said that no one had seen them leave. Ralph said he didn't know they left.
Howard said that Gary was watching everything he was doing and knew how many slices of pizza he ate. Artie was actually the one who watched that number and counted 5 slices. Howard said that Gary was bothering him about that stuff to though. Gary said that's not true, it was Artie who did that.
Howard said that Fred's wife didn't come and said that those two are weird and never invite people out anywhere. Ralph thought it was funny that Robin was giving herself a coffee enema while that was going on. Ralph was asking a bunch of questions about that but they had already discussed it earlier in the morning. Howard hung up on him and told him to listen to the replay.
Howard said that according to Bobo they found him at Hair Club For Men. He said that's ridiculous. Artie said that without Howard governing Bobo's calls, he's really boring. Howard had Bobo on the line and he brought up the wrap up show from Thursday when the guys were talking about the joke that Ronnie and Scott had pulled on Steve Langford.
Howard said that was a good call from Bobo, he brought up something good and he was able to hang right up on him. He went on to play some clips from the Wrap Up Show where Ronnie was explaining what he did and then elbowed Benjy who went off on him. Benjy told him not to do that ever again or he'd beat the shit out of him. Then he told Ronnie he was just fucking around. Ronnie said he wasn't fucking around and told him he was a dirt bag.
Benjy said that he was really mad but he turned it into a joke after freaking out on him. Howard played another clip where they were talking to Ronnie about the letter he sent to Howard years ago trying to get him as a client. Ronnie ended up going off on JD during that segment because he was talking over him. He also told JD to keep his hands off of him when he comes in every morning.
In another clip Benjy goes off on Ronnie once again about the way he treats people there. Ronnie was yelling at Benjy about his weird behavior and Benjy was going off on him about the way he treats the people who work there. Artie was laughing and Robin wonders what he's doing in the back of the limo with a guy like that.
Howard played another clip where Richard was talking about how Robin had hugged him out in the hall that day. She hugged him from behind and he thought it was a really cool feeling and he could feel her boobs on his bad. He said he could feel her nipples were hard. Robin said that's the last time she's going to be nice to him. She said that it was cold in there so he might be right about her nipples being hard. She said it wasn't even a full hug, it was just a quick, friendly grab.
Howard talked about how odd Richard is about this Halloween stuff. He goes around the country visiting haunted houses and stuff like that with his girlfriend.
Benjy said that they ran into Darrell Hammond and hung out with him for a little while. Howard asked Benjy how she looked. He said that she's attractive and has nice features. He said he told her that if they did hook up, it might not mean anything to him. He said he didn't want to take advantage of her like that. He said that he thinks that they could have had sex but he told her up front that it might not mean anything. Daphne said that she was kind of upset that he said that it might mean nothing to him.
Daphne said that Benjy was feeling her up out on the street a little bit. She said it wasn't her boobs that he was feeling, it was her hips and kind of on her breasts. He wasn't dry humping or anything but she didn't want to do anything out on the street. Howard thought it was odd that she's a prostitute and didn't want to do something out on the street. This all happened last night.
Howard wanted to know if Benjy was attracted to her or not. He wasn't really saying. Howard said that it sounds like Benjy wasn't really attracted to her but he kept saying that she was attractive. She may not have been his type or something.
Daphne said that Benjy talked to her just about every night that week. They were supposed to go out on Saturday but Benjy had another date planned that night. She said he called her and told her that he screwed up and had to reschedule.
Daphne said that Benjy thinks that Howard thinks he's hard up and needs to meet women this way. Benjy claims he can meet women no problem though. Howard wanted to drop the whole thing because Benjy never answers any questions.
Doug Goodstein said that they spoke to them up there about the whole thing and they knew they were planning on covering it. Isaac came in and said that they did clear it with them early on and it was supposed to happen. He said they got a call from the COO up there and they had some worries about the coverage they were going to be doing on Howard TV. Artie said that he just wanted to know if Howard cared if he did it or not. Howard said he can do whatever he wants to do. Artie said he'll make his decision on his own. He'll let them know what happens.
Howard got back to Steve who said that they're fine with Howard 100 news covering Artie. He also mentioned that they have a story about the Anne Murray stuff that they discussed earlier. He got in a plug for the Iron Sheik Show as well.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his update. Jon said that they'll be talking about the Iron Sheik interview and about the Wheel of Sex segment with Rachel and Alyssah. They'll also talk about this surprise party that Howard held for Artie while Robin was detoxing.
Howard and Robin were talking about Paul McCartney and his ex who is trying to get so much money out of him. Howard said it's a sickening thing when you see Heather Mills trying to get so much money from a guy she was only with for two years. He said that she may be entitled to some money but not $140 million like she's asking for. Robin said that he's out of his mind for not doing a pre-nup with her. Howard said that Paul was naive and he didn't know, he thought that he was in love. He's going to pay for his blunder now.
After taking a break Fred played a new song parody from High Pitch Eric where he's singing along with Britney Spears' latest song. Howard had Robin get back to her news after that. They spent a short time talking about David Spade who Robin thinks is getting kind of an odd look about him these days. Howard said he just heard from Spade over the weekend and he said to say hi to everyone. Robin said he should be in the studio doing that. Artie said he thinks that Spade is addicted to that sitcom money now that he's on ''Rules of Engagement.'' He said that he was doing a really funny show for comedy Central but he's apparently given up on that because they don't pay very well over there. Now he's making the big money from the sitcom instead.
Robin read a story about the Shinecock Indians wanting to open a casino in the New York area. That led to the guys talking about casinos and which ones they enjoy going to. Howard said he likes Atlantic City but he's always too tired to go down there. Artie was saying that the Borgata is supposed to be building a casino out in Vegas sometime in the next couple of years so that should be cool.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing an Ann Coulter impression singing about the Jews. Howard said it wasn't going over very well and Fred had a pained look on his face. He hung up on Sour Shoes and had Robin get right back to her news. She wrapped up a short time later. Artie thanked Howard again for the party he threw him last week. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45am.
Howard started off the show saying that he was yawning just a few minutes before the show and all of a sudden he was awake. He said that Robin is funny with the drinks she's been drinking on this diet she's on. He checked out what she was drinking earlier and watched what she was doing. He stood there watching her for about 10 minutes without her even knowing. She was picking out little boogers out of the drink and mixing it because it's so important to her. The guys all gathered around her booth and Scott DePace said ''Witch's brew...'' as they were watching.
Howard said Robin isn't eating solid foods, she's just drinking this stuff and stirring and stirring constantly. He said that each clump is pressed against the side of the drink and mixing it all in. Robin said that Howard was all upset about the guys watching him eat his pizza at Artie's party. Now they're all watching her.
Howard said that her preparation is really intense. He said he can't imagine the preparation at Judith Regan's place. Robin explained how they do the coffee enema thing and let the coffee cool down. Fred asked her what happens if there's an incident and they have a perforation or a bad leak or something. He wondered if they have to call out the other person's name for help. She said that no one is having any accidents.
Howard read through some e-mail about Robin's coffee enema and some people think she's out of her mind doing this stuff. They wondered what she's trying to fix with this stuff she's doing.
Howard said that Richard isolated Robin's laughs that day. Howard played some of them and said that those are real laughs right there. They sounded kind of odd with nothing else going on. Robin said she was caught by surprise. Howard said they do sound kind of like... and played a witch's laugh. He then played something that Richard put together with Robin's laugh as a Witch's laugh in the Witching hour. Robin said it was like those laughs couldn't even get out fast enough
Gary told Howard that they have a new voice mail from Hate Man about Robin's coffee enemas. Howard played the call where Hate Man says that he wants to bring an espresso machine over to her place and shove it up her ass and Judith's ass. He gets louder and louder as he's going along and starts yelling racist comments about Robin before he hangs up. He was kind of muffled so it was hard to understand what he was saying by the end of the call.
Howard played the prank call the guys made using some of those Hate Man voice mails. In this one they call a phone sex line and have him yelling out the N-word to this woman who just goes along with it. The guys say that the woman isn't shocked at all so she must get some crazy calls all the time.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if Howard ever did any detoxing after eating all of that pizza and beer that he ate at Artie's party. He said he was fine, his stomach felt just fine after he did that. Howard told the guys about the turkey chili he had on Sunday night. That recipe came from Pat Monahan from the band Train. He said that he ate far too much last night though. He said this stuff is so good that he just kept eating.
Howard said he was watching Dancing with the Stars with Beth last night. He said that he did something kind of weird with her. He said that he might have to get Beth on the phone to talk about this. He said they were watching this show on HBO called ''Tell Me You Love Me'' which they love. Robin said that Artie would slit his wrists if he watched it. Howard said it's a scripted show but it's about married couples in relationship counseling. He said that it actually helps them out in their own relationship.
Howard said there's this one chick in the show that's really attractive and there's a lot of fucking that goes on in the show. He said he told Beth that she had a great body and she said that she liked the guy's ass. He said that he was just saying that she was good looking. He said that every time they watch the show they end up making love and she seems to like that he likes the show too. He said he thinks the show is well written and funny so he's not just watching it because she likes it.
Howard said that Beth went to take a bath so he knew that he was going to get laid. She went off to do that and he'd showered earlier so he was already clean. He went on his chess web site and started to play a blitz game that should last about 5 minutes. He said he was 2 minutes into the game and Beth walked in wearing high heels and lingerie. He said she goes ''what are you doing?'' and he tells her he was almost done with the chess game. He said he told her she looked great but asked her to wait just a couple of seconds. She climbed on his back and he almost had to throw her off because he was afraid he was going to lose the game. Fred played the ''What a total fag'' jingle when he heard that.
Howard said that Beth told him to get off the computer because she was waiting there to have sex with him and he was playing chess. Howard said he knew he should have just disconnected and thrown the game. He said he thought the game would last another two minutes because he was beating the guy. He finished the game in about 3 minutes, walked into the room where she has her office and she was in her pajamas. He asked her to put the outfit back on. She refused and said that it was uncomfortable. He said he knows he did the wrong thing and thought it was just going to be 2 more minutes. He said he felt like a fuckin' asshole but they did end up making love. He begged her to put the outfit on but she refused.
Howard said he felt like a fuckin dick after doing that. Robin told him that she had just prepared to ravish him and he rejected her. He said he's so angry at himself for doing that. Artie told him that it's over now. He's getting older and he's brushing off a hot chick to play a game of chess. Howard said he knows he was wrong and he really missed out on something big.
Artie said that he had something similar happen when he was watching a Yankee game one time. Dana came into the room with an outfit on and he was still watching a special on Thurman Munson on Yankeeography. He said he glanced at the TV while they were just getting into it and she saw him look. She asked him if he wanted to watch the special but he said he wanted to be with her.
Gary said he called Beth to talk about last night but she told him that she didn't want to come on. He said he thinks that Howard might be in trouble over that whole thing. Howard wanted her to get on the phone but Gary told him that it doesn't look good, she just won't come on.
Artie told Howard that it looks like it's over for them now. He blew off sex to play chess! Gary said that you start to take things for granted after all of this time. Howard said he knows it was wrong though and he won't do it again. He said that he'll quit chess if she asked him to. He knows he blew it and he'd have to give it up if she wanted him to.
Howard took a call from Howard Stern, someone playing clips of him, and the guy was playing him talking about how he can have good sex and stuff. Howard ended up hanging up on himself and said he couldn't listen to that stuff.
Howard said he's really upset that Beth won't get on the phone. He said he didn't want to bug her by calling himself. He couldn't stop thinking about her not coming on the phone though. He said he was focused on that now. He said that he should change subjects and said that they should talk about Robin and Jim Florentine. Robin said there's nothing to talk about there.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what's going on with him and Bubba. He said that both of them are giving up sex to do weird stuff. Bubba went to Burger King and passed on sex with his wife. He went there to have some kind of new burger instead of having sex with Heather. Howard said he can't imagine passing on sex for that. He said he didn't pass on sex, he just delayed it by playing chess.
Artie said he thinks that Bubba passed for something called a BK Stacker which might be like 4 burgers in one bun. He said he thinks they were actually trying to beat the Wendy's Triple that used to be like the biggest burger. Gary said that you can get a double, triple or quadruple BK Stacker. Robin read some of the stats about the meal which can be up to 68 grams of fat in just the one meal, and 1,000 calories.
Howard said that Bubba might be back to being obese again. He thought he was back up to 400 pounds but the guys said that he's up around 280, still less than Artie. Gary said that there are people out there who are stacking up the stackers to make 4 Quad burgers in one. They're calling it a Diocto burger.
Artie said he once had 7 Big Macs in one sitting trying to beat his friend in a competition. Howard cut him off and asked Gary to call Beth again to ask her to come on the air. Robin said that she's probably pissed off and now Howard is reacting to the negative.
Artie said that some girls would have just blown him off for the rest of the night so it was a good sign that she still had sex with him. Howard said that Beth was gone for like 2 seconds preparing for him, it wasn't like she was in there for an hour.
Howard said that he had shaved his balls for Beth. Artie said that he's only done that two times in his life. Howard said that you owe it to the chicks to trim it down but maybe guys should just keep their hairy bush down there.
Gary came in and said that Beth wasn't answering her phone now. Gary said that it took her a bunch of times to answer earlier so maybe she's sleeping. Howard said that she's up, he knows she's up. He said that he may have to go home right then.
Joey Boots called in and said that turkey chili sounded really good and he wanted the recipe. He asked Howard to put the recipe up on HowardStern.com so Howard said he'd do that. Joey also asked Howard about leaving early on Thursday to have a meeting with Mel. He wondered what that was about. Howard said that it wasn't about Bubba like some people think. He said that he's had meetings about Bubba and he tells them not to jerk the guy around. He said that he was thinking about doing something for the show and had to talk to Mel and Scott Greenstein about that. He said he can't talk about this idea he had because he's not sure if it's going to happen or not. He said they wanted him to do some stuff to help SIRIUS. Joey said that it's like that Howard Stern the High School Years cartoon that never came to be. Howard said he talked about that and it was too expensive to produce.
Howard hung up on Joey because he was all over the place with his questions. He took another call from a guy who asked Artie about the Subutex stuff that he takes. He said he used to take it too. He said that he used to take like an 8mg pill once a day and Artie was talking about taking 11 of them in one day the other day. Howard asked Artie if he took a lot of them over the weekend because of his 40th birthday stress. Artie said he had to take one during the party last week. He said that the night turned into something more than he expected. He said it was just turning into a different kind of night and he needed to take one. He said that guarantees he can't go to the next level.
Artie said that he had to avoid drinking for about 10 minutes because he's not supposed to drink any liquids with that stuff. He said he doesn't take that stuff every day though. He said he can sometimes go weeks without using it. Lately he's been taking quite a few though.
Howard took another call from a guy who told him not to sweat that stuff with Beth. Howard said that Beth has blown him off before but he still knows he was wrong. The guy said that Beth was wrong too and she should know that. Howard said that there have been many times that he's gone to her and asked her to do stuff and she's turned him down.
Howard said that she's right and he did turn it on her. He did walk into her office and put his penis on her shoulder as a peace offering. Howard said that he would give up chess if she asked him to. Howard said she's right and it will never happen again. She said she would never ask him to give up chess but she may call his instructor to talk to him about how this is coming between them.
Beth said that he will never see her in this outfit again because of what he did. She said he had no idea that she was even there because she was straddling a chair and trying to get his attention. She said that it was very embarrassing for her to do that and have him reject her. She said this is the first time that he's done that in the past 7 years. Beth said she can see this going downhill and in the past he'd never pass on something like that. She said that it was the blitz game that came first. She said she knows he still loves her but this is the first time she's seeing that things are changing. Howard said he's going to go home and have sex with her now.
Beth said that she has to go meet with her big, hunky trainer now. Howard asked her if she thinks that they have problems. Beth said she thinks that it's just the natural progression of a relationship. Howard didn't want to hear that. He said he thought that she was going to be gone for a while, otherwise he wouldn't have started the game. He said he knows he's a little obsessed but he thought she was going away for an hour and the game was like 10 minutes.
Howard said he's still into her. She said that she's never wearing that outfit again though. He said that was wrong, she's punishing him over this. Howard said he hopes she's not going to get an emotional friend. That led to Artie doing his emotional friend impression. Howard said that Beth looked so hot but when she asked him to describe the outfit, he couldn't do it. He never even saw it enough to describe it.
Howard said that maybe Beth should dump him. Beth said that she's sad for them over this whole thing. She said she's not upset but she is kind of sad about their relationship taking this turn. Howard said he wants to put up that recipe on his web site so he asked Beth to send that to the guys at the site.
Fred played Taps as Howard and Beth were talking about their relationship. Beth said that she was upset last night about what happened but she thought they got past it. She said it was all coming back to her because she was looking at the pile of lingerie she didn't keep on for him. She said that she was going to wear it for an FHM shoot and Howard had never seen it before. Howard wondered what he could do now to get over this. The guys asked him if he won his game last night. He did win and he said that he kicked that guy's ass.
Howard said that Riley Martin wanted to goof on him so he picked up on him. Riley was on the phone and asked to speak to Beth. He told her that she must sometimes look over and forgive a damn fool who knows nothing about taking advantage of the yummies. Howard said that Riley has a restraining order against him. Riley said that Howard jumped on him about what he does so he wanted to tell her shit. Howard said that he's not like him, he doesn't have a restraining order against him. Riley wasn't making much sense so Howard let him know that but Riley just kept going. Howard figured he was drinking and Riley paused as if he were saying yes to that.
Howard had to explain to Beth who this guy was because she had no idea who Riley was. Riley was wondering if she got her Symbol that he made for her. Howard said that he threw those in the garbage and didn't bother her with that crap. He let Riley go a short time later and tried to give him a plug for his radio show but Riley kept saying it's on tomorrow night even though it's on tonight at midnight.
Howard hung up on Riley and got back to Beth and played their karaoke version of ''Close To You'' that they performed at a party. Howard told Beth he loves her and then threw in a story about Robin and Judith doing their coffee enemas. He told her that Robin had 7 inches of tubing up there. Beth said that it must feel good. The guys thought that she meant having something up her ass would feel good but she said that she meant that the cleansing must feel good.
Howard told Beth he loves her and she was going to say goodbye but she sounded like she was still upset so Howard kept her on the line. He told her that they were going to rectify this tonight but she said she's going out tonight. He played a new song parody that Richard made about him being a chess fag. Howard said he writes that stuff as it happens, and it sounds that way.
Beth seemed to be getting more and more upset about this and told him that it was enough already. She got off the phone a short time later. Howard let her go but it didn't sound good.
Jessica Hahn called in and talked about Sam Kinison falling asleep while they were having sex. They spent a few minutes on that. Then King of All Blacks called in and said that he didn't think Howard was like that but he thought that some of that stuff was funny. Pedro then called in and told Howard that he shouldn't worry about this stuff and stick to his guns. Howard asked Pedro if he has a girlfriend. He said he doesn't have one right now. He still told Howard to stick to his guns and not let Beth make him feel like crap over that chess stuff.
Another caller told Howard that maybe he should get some flowers for her and get a picture of her and the dog or something. Howard said that he worships that woman most of the time and he just fucked up one time. He said that she'd be nauseous if he paid attention to her 24 hours a day. Howard said he knows he's a disaster but so is everyone else there.
Fred played a song that a listener sent in for Howard about Beth. That song was ''When I See Beth Smiling'' which got the guys laughing a little bit. Howard took another call from a guy who said that guys get rejected like that multiple times a night and it's a regular thing that they get over. He said that Beth should get over it and move on. Howard said he thinks that she's over it and she will move on. Howard said he has some personal things going on in his life too so she knows that he's under pressure. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that he was going over the terrestrial radio ratings. Z100 is the number one station in the morning now in New York. He said that never would have happened if he was still on terrestrial radio. He said that this guy Elvis Duran is crowing that they're number 1 now. It had been 12 years since they were able to claim that according to the article. Howard said that it has to be a slim win for them though.
Howard said the dumbest move he's seen so far is when they took WCBS-FM and changed formats from oldies to the JackFM format. They switched back to oldies just recently because they were able to get ratings.
Howard said that their old station, K-Rock, is still in the toilet. He said that CBS fired Opie and Anthony years ago and then hired them back and put them on in the mornings. He said that they're second to last in the morning ratings.
Howard said that those guys claim that they make more money for XM than he does for SIRIUS but he finds that hard to believe. They don't get any listeners and they don't have any ratings on regular radio. Howard said that Z100 is the top morning show and Opie and Anthony have been taken off a bunch of his old stations. They may be taking them off in Philly so they can put Kidd Chris on in the mornings there because he's actually got ratings.
Artie read that Opie and Anthony had ''slipped a little'' in the ratings but they were way down there. They've never been able to get the kind of ratings Howard had. Howard said that David Hinkley seems to love those guys and will never say anything negative about their show.
Howard said that he was number one for many ratings books in a row there in New York and it was a remarkable feat for them to do that. He said that this guy Elvis Duran doesn't even have any competition now. He said that the biggest surprise, according to David Hinkley, is that Lite FM dropped out of the number 1 spot. He said that there's another station called Fresh that Howard had never heard of. He doesn't listen to regular radio anymore so he doesn't know.
Howard said that New York just can't support rock stations and WNEW is gone and now they're this Fresh station. He said that K-Rock can't get ratings with their alternative rock format either. Howard said that when they were there they'd keep ratings all day long. He said that the fans would just leave the station on all day long and listen, giving them ratings.
Howard said that Steve Harvey was number 3 in the morning. He wondered what's up with Whoopi Goldberg's show but no one knew what station she was on, except Gary who said she's on KTU. She gets a 2.9 and that beats Opie and Anthony. He said he may have had that wrong but she actually got a 2.4 so she did beat them. The guys found that kind of amusing.
Howard said the most unbelievable thing is that the station that Imus used to be on, WFAN, has gone up in the ratings since he left. He said he feels really bad for this guy Curtis Sliwa who is getting booted from his morning gig on WABC so they can put Imus on. He said that this might be a goofier decision than changing formats at WCBS. He said that Curtis and Kuby get a 3.4 rating in the morning and Imus used to get a 1.7! He said that they doubled Imus' ratings but the dopes at WABC are replacing them with Imus. Howard said that they should give Curtis props for getting such high ratings but now they're going to take him off and stick him with John Gambling in the morning.
Howard read some stuff about Imus' deal that will make him between 5 and 8 million bucks annually. Howard said Imus is even planning to syndicate his radio show on TV. Howard said ''What!?'' and couldn't believe that anyone would pick that up. He went into his impression of Imus and goofed on him for a short time. Howard said that Imus is going to drag that station down to a 1.7 or so and the people at WABC will probably be thrilled with that. He can't believe that this kind of thing goes on.
Howard said that if Imus can get a black audience, maybe he could bring the ratings above a 1.7. Howard read some notes about Fahrid Suleman who is behind this Imus thing. Howard said that he bets that Imus won't do anything in the ratings. He said that people still talk about him like he had a great show even though no one listened. These people say that he's a great broadcaster but he didn't have any audience. They say that he's popular with highly educated people which Howard thinks is bullshit. He said he's not sure how Imus did it but he's got people convinced that he has smarter people listening to his show than anyone else's. Howard said he thinks this ratings stuff is great.
Bobo called in and said that they hardly ever wrote about Howard having an 8 or 9 share in the morning. He said that he hasn't seen Z100 at number 1 since Scott Shannon was there and once Howard got the number 1 spot, everyone else was in the toilet. Robin said that Scott Shannon blew Imus off the map when he came to town. Everyone was shaking in their boots over that guy until Howard came to town.
Bobo said that Howard must be happy that Opie and Anthony are down in the toilet. Howard said he really doesn't care, he doesn't think about regular radio anymore. He said that he knows that the NAB is shitting in their pants about this possible satellite radio merger and they're spending tons of money to try and stop it. Bobo asked how many listeners they have now. Howard wasn't sure of the numbers but he said he heard Mel talking about how they have 78 percent of the retail market share at this point. Howard said that Mel was great in this Charlie Rose interview. He said that Mel was talking about how the NAB's fight against this merger proves that they're competition. They can't say that they're a monopoly if they're this afraid of them.
Howard said that this merger should have gone through already. They don't even take this long to approve mergers of oil companies and stuff like that. Bobo said he hopes that the merger happens before the end of the year. He's sitting on 3000 shares of stock so he's hoping that it happens.
Howard said that Mel's contract is up in about 2 years and theirs is up in 3 years. Howard said his contract always ends up being longer than everyone else's. They have just over 3 more years left there on their current contract.
Another caller told Howard that the Star Ledger, a New jersey paper, had a front page editorial about this merger. Howard said it sounds like someone has their hand in that over there. Howard wanted to see the article himself. He was getting aggravated about all of that stuff and didn't want to talk about it anymore.
King of all Blacks called in and asked Howard what he's going to do in 3 years if he retires. Howard said he'd going to do whatever he wants. Howard said that he doesn't like doing this stuff, it's work. He said if he didn't have to work, he wouldn't do it. He said if he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he wouldn't be working.
King also asked Howard what everyone else around him is going to do. Howard said that he and Beth were talking about that the other night. Artie said that's up to the rest of them, not up to Howard. Howard said he does worry about the rest of the crew, especially Gary. Gary said that he talks to him about this stuff sometimes and he's kind of said he could go to any show he wants. He doesn't think that anyone would take him. Gary said that he could suck at what he does and still get a job.
Gary thinks that he could get a job as a show runner and run something like the Tyra Banks Show or something like that. Howard thought that Fred had some money saved up that could keep him going for a while. Fred said he hasn't made all that much so he doesn't have a huge savings. Howard said that guys like JD are the guys he worries about too. JD wants to make movies but he's seen what he can do and it's not all that great.
Howard said that JD wants to go watch TV for Jimmy Kimmel or something. JD said that's not his dream job, he never said he wanted that as a regular thing.
The guys were talking about how they think they can get jobs somewhere even if Howard does retire. Howard said he worries about Benjy and asked him what he's going to do. Benjy said that he thinks that the show relies on Howard and if something happened to him tomorrow, he thinks he could get a writing job on another show. He said he's made contacts and thinks he could get something going. Robin said that if Stuttering John can get a job then Benjy should be able to get something.
Howard said that they're talking about this Conan O'Brien taking over for Jay Leno in 2009 and Leno kind of feels he's being pushed out. He said that if Leno moves to another network, he doesn't think he'll bring John with him. Artie thinks that John has enough money to live without a job. Artie said that Jackie must have had enough to retire because he's living without a full time job. Howard said that Jackie always did something with his money and he must have done something right.
King asked Howard where he'd move if he retired. Howard said he'd stay in New York. He has family there and he'd stay in the area. Howard thinks that someone could live off of about 2 million if they had that much saved up. Fred said that he doesn't even have a million liquid. Howard said he can't believe that. He asked Fred if he invests his money. Fred said that he does invest it but it's mostly in real estate. Gary said that Fred has a house that he could sell if he wanted to though. Fred said he has little money saved in the bank, it's mostly in real estate. He said he used to try investing in stocks but that didn't work out for him.
Howard said that you have to set up programs to save money for your future. He said you have to do this or you get stuck. He said he didn't make money for a long time but he used to buy E Bonds every month and put them away. He said he'd let them mature and then turn them into He bonds. He said it was something secure that he could rely on for his future.
Howard said his father was very smart and invested his money and has been able to live off of that stuff since he retired at 50-something. He's 84 now and still lives off of that stuff. Howard said that he's no financial advice guy but if you start thinking about this stuff at 41, like King is, then you're way behind. Howard said he never lived above his means. He said he was very frugal and never borrowed money until his bought his first house.
Artie asked Gary if he has a million in the bank. Gary said of course he doesn't. He said he does have a retirement plan though. He has a plan for the kids college money and stuff like that. Gary said that he leases a 300 series BMW and figured King was going to goof on him about that. Howard said that when you have a wife and kids, you have to be really responsible with your money. You can't do that shit. He said that there are people who end up being slaves to their bosses for the rest of their lives because they spend too much.
Howard said that the TV show asks him to wear a different shirt every day. He said that what he spends on clothes yearly is under $10,000. That's on suits and everything. He has to buy shirts so he has something different every day and that's included in that 10 grand. He said he tips well, spends money and his kids don't want for anything but he doesn't spend all that much on himself. He said his kids don't even understand what it is to want. They get whatever they need.
Howard doesn't fly on commercial flights though. He said that he hardly goes anywhere and hasn't gone anywhere this year. He said that if he wasn't in a relationship, he wouldn't travel anywhere. He said he still rakes leaves every year.
Artie was fascinated with Fred and Gary's financial situation and wondered who his farther from that million bucks. Gary said he thinks he is but Fred said he's probably as far as Gary is. Fred said that he can't retire on the money he has right now. Gary said that Fred has two homes though so he's ahead of him. Fred said that he has mortgages on both homes though. Fred said that he might have a million if he were to sell his homes but he'd have to do some research to figure that out.
Dominic Barbara called in and Fred asked him if it's possible to get a Post-nuptial agreement. Dominic said that those things are getting more and more popular. Dominic also said that Howard has never been extravagant and he used to get excited about 20 dollar bets in the card games they played in. Howard said that he'd be happy about playing with nickels. It's all about the winning, not about the amount of money. Artie said that of course it's about the winning but winning a lot of money is more fun. Fred said he could never bet the kind of money Artie does if he had that kind of money himself. Howard thinks that Artie doesn't respect the money but Artie says he does.
Howard said that he's been to Atlantic City and he'll play $25 hands and he thinks that's ridiculous. one time Paul Anka came over and blew 10 grand at his table in 3 hands. He thinks that's nuts. Artie said that he has a very conservative portfolio and has a bunch of IRAs that he contributes to every year. Gary asked Artie why he had to work as a cabby when he lost his job at MAD TV. Artie said he'd gambled all of that money away so he had to work for it after that. Now he's doing okay though.
Howard said that he's his father's son and he was taught well. He said his father showed him that you can't blow money on stupid things trying to get thrills from life. Dominic said that he doesn't think that Howard would feel any different if he had 1 million or 100 million in the bank. Howard said that's true, he'd be fine with either one.
Howard said he saw Tim Sabean showing off his fancy watch the other day and he showed him this army watch that he's been wearing lately. It's a $100 watch and it works just fine. He doesn't need to own really fancy watches to be happy.
Dominic asked Howard what he's doing to prepare his kids. Howard said that his kids won't have to worry about money, they should be able to make their own living. Artie asked what he would do if his daughter came to him at 40 and said she was broke. He jokingly asked if Artie was talking about his kids from the first marriage or the second one. Then he said that he's not the type of guy who is going to turn them away, but he thinks that they have to learn to care for themselves.
Dominic said that there's a guy in New York who is worth billions who said that he was leaving his kids just 2 million each. He said the guy told him that he didn't want to ruin his kids lives so that's what he was leaving them. Artei said he already resents his kids and he doesn't even have any yet. He said his kids are still in his balls and every day he has to yell at his balls.
Benjy asked Howard if he could move to afternoons if he wanted to. Howard siad that he couldn't do that at any time, but if he asked them, he thinks that they'd let him do it. He said he's not sure what his contract says. They run the show all day long so he thikns that they'd let him do it. Robin said she'd like to take her part to afternooons.
Howard said that when he started there 2 years ago, he thought that they should od it in the mornings. He sadi that now he sees that running the show all day long works and they could move. He thinsk that might rock the boat and doesn't want to mess with a good thing at this point though. That led to the guys talking about Bubba again for a short time.
Howard said that Jim's arm is very solid just in case Robin wanted to know. Artie said that Jim's only vice was whores, 3 or 4 at a time. He was messing with Robin and she just laughed.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk to Artie. Howard hung up on him yesterday and Robin told him he might get hung up on again today. The guy started talking about what he brought up yesterday and Howard hung up on him again. He went to break a short time later.
Fred said that trying to get a Yankee game on AM radio sucks so it would be great to have the games there on SIRIUS. Robin said that the guys are still out in the hall talking finances. She said they were discussing investing in real estate or stocks. Artie said that Sal wants him to invest in some stocks but he's not sure what to do.
Fred said that Sal has a lot of knowledge about the market but he can't convert his own money into big bucks. Gary said that Howard should talk to Sal about how he was making a ton of money for a while but then the market went down and he lost it all and had to ask his wife for the BMW back. Howard said that Sal is a typical example, he thought that money was going to last forever. He should have been saving at that time.
Howard played a clip from Oprah's show where she asks Jerry to tell a story to her that she already knew. She wanted to know how this movie came to be. Jerry said he'd asked Steven Spielberg to do a commercial with him and he agreed. That led to them having dinner. Jerry told this story and said he got ready about 8 hours early and just sat there for the rest of the day until dinner came around. Howard said that Oprah's laughing during that bit was so phony. She was trying to sell it to her audience. Howard had the guys play Robin's laugh to show what a real laugh sounds like.
Artie wanted to hear the whole story from Oprah but Howard replayed the first clip so Fred could insert Robin's ''real'' laugh into that. He threw the laugh in at a few points where Oprah was giggling. Then he threw in her really hard laugh when Oprah let out her phony laugh. Fred said that Robin's was way better.
Howard played the second part where Oprah was laughing more at Jerry's story and it really sounded like a phony laugh. Howard said that what Jerry was saying wasn't even that funny but Oprah was laughing like it was the funniest thing she'd heard. Howard said they didn't add that in, it was her real fake laugh that he was just pointing out.
Howard said that Jerry's wife was also on the show selling her cook book. Robin said she saw that and she saw her talking about how you can fool your kids into eating healthy stuff if you put it into muffins. Howard said that she mentioned the book on the show and it shot up to number 12 on the best seller list so she sent Oprah 100 pair of expensive shoes. Robin said that's because Oprah's size must change all the time and she always needs a different size.
Howard played another clip where Oprah tells Jerry that she had made something from his wife's book and it had basil in it. She said that two bees came around and she didn't swat them away because she knows they have families. She said that she's been effected by this Bee Movie that Jerry is bringing out. She let out another one of those phony laughs at that point.
Howard said that he'd be swatting away bees, that movie isn't going to change anything for him. Fred threw in one of Robin's laughs.
Howard had some clips from the Sheik Show but he didn't know where to start. JD came in and told him that there weren't any really outstanding moments but there were some moments he pulled for him to play. Howard got sidetracked and ended up talking to JD about his mother. JD said he hadn't seen her yet but she is back on the mainland after moving away from Hawaii. He hasn't seen her in the past 7 years or so. JD said it was only 5 years, but Howard thought it was 7. JD wasn't upset about it and he said he'll see her when he sees her. Robin said she's seen the rest of her family already, at the family reunion. JD said that it's all about time and finances. Howard said it's been 5 years though.
Howard said that he'd pay for her flight to come and see him but JD said she wants nothing to do with that. Howard said he wouldn't be in a rush to see JD either if he were his son. He was just kidding and said that if he really was his son, he'd jump on a plane so quick to come and see him. JD said that she's there in the States alone and her husband isn't there yet.
Howard asked JD if she works on the weekends too. JD said that he doesn't know her schedule. He said that his brother has seen his mother but he lives out in California so it's not as big of a deal for him. Robin said you'd think that someone would make a move. JD said he'll make his move at Thanksgiving and he'll be visiting her at that time. Howard figures that his mother doesn't want to be alone with him.
They're all going to be meeting out in Ohio for Thanksgiving. Howard asked JD what she's going to be doing with this guy Bill that she met on the internet. JD sounded like he didn't want to get into all of that. Howard asked JD if he was at his mom's wedding when she married this Bill guy. JD said that none of his family was there. Howard asked him if he's better looking than his dad. JD said he's not into dudes so he doesn't know.
Robin said that JD's mom must be back to having phone sex with this Bill guy. JD threw off his headphones and said that was it for him. He left the studio a short time later. Howard told him he hopes he sees his mom soon. He feels bad for him being brushed aside for the past 5 years.
Howard said he has to talk to Tim Sabean about this format because they can hear Sheik being interviewed at any time. Tim came into the studio a short time later and said that they thought Shuli would be able to get him started since he'd never done radio before. Tim said that next time Sheik will be there by himself. Howard said that was the whole idea of the show, to put Sheik on his own show even though he'd never done radio before. Howard said it would have been hilarious if he was just sitting there in dead silence. Tim said that's what he was afraid of.
Howard said that everyone was complaining about Tim's cologne today. Tim said that it was just soap, not cologne. Gary said he thought it was cologne because it was so overpowering. He's never smelled anything like it before in his life. Tim said he swears that it's soap but then said that he puts lotion on after he shaves. That was like cologne according to Howard. Howard said that he's putting on an aftershave which is like cologne.
Tim said that he puts this lotion on and he's been doing it a long time. He doesn't even look at what brand it is though. Howard wanted to smell him because he couldn't smell it himself. He had him come over to him so he could sniff. He said it wasn't bad after he came over. He said he smelled okay to him. Artie smelled him and said it smells like jizz to him.
Howard asked Tim if he's happy that all of their old radio stations are doing badly. Tim said that it's good to be out of there. He said that stuff was yesterday and they had fun doing it but they're done with that. He said that this is such an incredible place for creativity. He was up on his soap box preaching the goodness of satellite radio so Fred played some patriotic music behind him as he was doing that.
Artie asked Tim who is going to be the next guest on the Shuli Show. He was joking about Shuli having all of these shows where he helps people do their own radio shows. He then went into his Sheik impression and created what the show might be like if he didn't have Shuli there to help him out. Howard thanked Tim for coming in and let him go a short time later.
Howard said that you can check that out at DamnShow.com. That one was shot last year so he was actually out there trick or treating. Howard asked Benjy if he gets trick or treaters at his apartment so they could do something wild. Benjy started talking about giving kids cigarettes and needles and stuff but Howard said that they shouldn't mess with kids like that.
Benjy said he wanted to go out trick or treating in the projects but Doug Goodstein didn't let him to it. Howard said he could have gotten himself killed doing something like that so maybe it's best they didn't. He went to break a short time later.
Howard wondered what he's eating to make himself so fat. Benjy said that he just eats a lot of food and he knows he can lose it if he wants to. Benjy eats a lot of salad and stuff so maybe he should just start enjoying his fat and eat like Artie does. Artie said he's told Benjy that he's a jerk off because of that.
Steve Langford came in and said that Artie got a card and a gift from Dana on his 40th birthday. He said that Artie has said that he doesn't think there's any chance of them getting back together at this point though. Fred played the Anne Murray song that Artie sang in the studio one time. Artie sang along with that a little bit before Howard asked him what's going on there. Artie said that she told him that she's thinking about him often and wanted to let him know. She left him a message and Artie tried calling her back but he left her a message as well.
Howard asked if Dana said she's dating. Artie said she didn't say and spared him the details on his birthday. Howard said he'd love to find out what she's up to. Howard asked him if he wants him to check into it. Artie said no to that.
Ralph called in and told Howard he should weigh everyone in and find out who gained back their weight from that weight loss challenge. Benjy said he thinks he gained about 30 pounds back. Ralph also brought up how Tim claimed that he had been going to the gym and he doesn't believe that.
Howard asked the guys if they wanted to weigh themselves. Benjy was up for it so he went over to the scale. Howard said that Jason has gotten fat again too. Artie didn't think Jason had gained all that much back though. Benjy got on the scale and he was back up to 247 from 204 or so when he'd lost the weight. Benjy said he could be down to 235 by tomorrow. Howard asked how long it had been since the weight loss thing. Gary said it was 4 months.
Artie was laughing his ass off that Benjy had gained that much back so quick. Howard had Jason get on the scale next. Jason was down to 213 at the end of the contest. Jason said he didn't even want to get on the scale but he figures he's over 240. Jason got on the scale and shot up to 252!
Howard said that Artie probably gained the least since that weight loss thing. Artie said that might be true but he's still up around 300 pounds. He figures he's between 295 and 305. He just weighed himself a day ago and didn't want to get on the scale again. Gary told him that if he came in at 305 he'd be a winner. Howard thinks that Artie might be over 310.
Howard asked what Jon Hein is up to. Jon was down to 238 in the challenge. He was up to 254. Scott the Engineer came in and Howard thought he still looked kind of thin. Scott said he was down to about 215 at the end of the contest. He was up to 238. Mike Gange was at 253 at the end of the contest. Today he was up at 255, not so bad. He said he's trying to lose weight lately.
Howard said that Jason was excited about losing weight. Jason said he got lazy and started eating bad and he has no one to blame but himself. Gary said that Howard, Will and Fred were all looking at them because they're still thin. Gary hopped on the scale and came in at 223 pounds, not too far from where he was months ago.
Steve Langford got back into his news preview and said that Artie will be speaking up at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting even though Howard TV won't be able to cover it. Steve said that they also have a story about Denise Rich having Benjy on her yacht recently and talking about what she thinks of Howard. They also have a story about Chuck Zito claiming that he's going to be in five films. Chuck also comments on Pam Anderson's marriage to Rick Soloman.
Howard had Jon Hein come in next. Jon ran down his Wrap Up Show preview. They'll be talking about Howard and Beth's problems that went on this morning. Howard asked Jon to please not spend too much time on that subject. Artie pointed out that Howard was editing that show. Howard said he was making a personal plea, not editing the show.
Howard played a clip from yesterday's Wrap Up Show where Gary was trying to find out what Sal was willing to do if they got him some free plastic surgery to get him a chin implant. Sal said he was willing to take a little bit of Richard's pinkie up his ass. Richard was really interested in doing that so Howard said that Richard has to have some gay tendencies if he's that interested in that.
Jon went through a few more subjects that they're going to try and cover today and then wrapped up the wrap up preview. Howard took a call from a guy who said that it's great to hear Robin laughing over her own laugh when Fred plays those clips of her laugh from the other day. Fred played those again and had Robin laughing at herself again before she started her news.
Howard said he could grow out a full moustache and then just shave it down to the Hitler moustache for Letterman. He said that Hitler may have been a negative but there's no reason to stop that great moustache look.
Robin read a story from People Magazine where they interviewed Beth and they seemed to be saying that Beth had pinned Howard down to a date sometime next summer. Howard said that they've both agreed that getting married next year is the right time but some people think that Howard is the one being stubborn. He said that he's into it, he wants to get married. He said he may even make it on September 5th, which is Will's wedding day, so that everyone comes to his wedding instead of Will's.
Howard went to break during the news and when he came back he had Mariann from Brooklyn on the line. She went off on Oprah and her guests when Jerry Seinfeld was on. She also wished Artie a happy birthday before Howard let her go.
Howard read a story about this guy who has a Hitler moustache and they actually call it a toothbrush moustache. He read through the article where they talk about how it was a hit look for a while but then Hitler took it over and ruined it. Howard said he has to read the whole article, it looks interesting. He scanned it quickly and found that Hitler's sister-in-law Bridget may have been partially to blame for the look. He stopped reading it because it was too much to take in without pre-reading it. Jason came in and said that it was kind of fuzzy as to when he actually started wearing it. Howard said he has to make sure he lets the audience know that he's not a fan of Hitler's, just the moustache.
Robin read a story about some research being done on a possible ''gay gene'' and that led to the guys talking about that for a short time. Howard said he doesn't believe that there is a gay gene and it's all a psychological thing. He said that he doesn't have a problem with homosexuality, he's pro gay, but he doesn't believe that there's a gay gene. Artie said he disagrees and always thought Howard agreed with his views on that subject. Artie said he thinks that it is something that you're born with.
Robin went through some more news stories. The guys spent some time talking sports. Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:40am.
Howard started off the show asking everyone if they were in a good mood. Fred played Robin's laugh which was a bit much for first thing in the morning. Howard said that was a little too happy that early. He said it still makes him laugh when he hears that laugh. Robin said that's a good thing when a laugh can make you laugh.
Howard brought up this story about Ellen Degeneres who adopted a dog from a shelter of some sort, and she has cats too. She had the dog for around a month and she's unable to train it so the dog and cats don't get along very well. He said they usually have you sign something at the shelter that says you won't return it there. They try to put some sort of governor on these people who adopt pets. Ellen ended up giving the dog to her hair dresser or something and her kids got attached to it. She kind of broke the rules and had an emotional outburst on her show. He said she should abide by the rules but she didn't and then had this breakdown.
Howard said he heard that Ellen could possibly have adopted 9 different puppies and none of them worked out. Those were just rumors so he can't confirm that but he's sure some reporter out there could check into it. He said that he does commend her for putting the dog into a good home though. He was saying that some people don't do that. Howard said that this could be some kind of crazy pattern with her if she has done this more than one time.
Howard had the audio of Ellen breaking down so he played that for everyone. Artie said he hadn't even heard about this so he had no idea what they were about to hear. Ellen starts crying right away and talked about how she has bad days sometimes and it's hard to do the show. Howard stopped the tape and said he's able to disassociate from the bad stuff when he has a bad day and he can get right past that stuff to do his show. He's never been that upset.
Ellen goes on to talk about how bad of a day she's having and how she can't pretend to be funny and on when things are going so terribly wrong in her life. She says she's going to tell the story and they're going to get over it so they can have a good show. She then explains how she adopts animals and finds them homes. She's done this for many years. She adopted this dog and spent $3,000 to get it neutered and trained. The training didn't work so she had to find the dog a new home. She knew some people who wanted the dog, Iggy, so she gave it to this family who loves the dog. She got a call from the organization asking how the dog was doing. She told them the truth, they then informed her that the dog has to go back to the shelter where she got it from. Ellen then breaks down and cries saying she feels responsible for having the dog ripped away from this family.
Howard said he does support the idea of knowing where the dog goes and keeping an eye on them. He said he doesn't know what kind of shelter this is but Robin said she knew what it was. They could have gotten the dog into that home by going through the right process. Howard said that he may be right about that 9 adopted dog story thing.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she had a similar problem with a dog a few years back. She said that this has happened. She said that it was the same problem, the dog didn't get along with her cats, so she had to get rid of it. Howard said that she might be nuts if she keeps doing this stuff. Artie said that it seems that Ellen is really into pussy.
Howard said that Beth works with this North Shore Animal League and she knows how hard it is to find good homes for these pets. Howard said that if Ellen is adopting dogs and giving them up, someone needs to investigate her. The woman on the phone said she doesn't think that Ellen is sane. Artie said that she's not the only one who thinks that. Artie also pointed out that Johnny Carson did his show the same night his son had died in a horrible accident. He didn't break down crying like Ellen is over a dog.
Howard played more of Ellen crying and explaining why she feels so horrible. She apologizes and begs the shelter to give the dog back to the family. Ellen then says that they have a great show coming up and tries to put that behind her. Artie said ''What a great show this is!''
Howard said Drew Carrey was the guest on the show that day. He wondered what he did when he came out. He didn't have the audio of that interview so he replayed Ellen's breakdown and threw in Robin's laugh track at the worst moments. He had Robin laughing at various moments during the story. Howard interrupted when Ellen said that she'd paid the vet extra money so the dog wouldn't spend time in a cage after it was neutered. He wondered what that was all about. Fred thinks she did that so she wouldn't have to do any work to take care of the dog's bleeding or anything like that. He said it was obvious that she didn't want the dog right from the start.
Howard got back to the audio clip and threw in Robin's laugh track. He said they could do that with the saddest moments in history and make them all funny.
Howard took a call from a guy pretending to be Ellen's dog Iggy who said he tried getting in on the lesbian sex between Ellen and Portia. Artie asked him if he ever ate out Ellen. He said that he tried to but got slapped in the face. He said he wanted to go back with Ellen because he loved her so much. Artie said the dog sounds like he's Hispanic too. The guy said that they brought him in from over the border so he was right about that. Howard asked him if they picked up his doody for him. Iggy said that he had to pick it up himself actually. Howard let him go after that. Robin said she had more questions for that dog about what went on but Howard had hung up on him already.
Robin said that when you bring new animals into a house, it takes time to let them get used to each other. It sounds like Ellen may have given up a little early. In the clip she said she'd just adopted the dog on September 20th so it hadn't even been a month.
Howard said that Robin built a house just for her cats. She said that she didn't have a house built for them but she did have to separate some of her cats from her because they were fighting so much. JD came in around that time and the guys goofed on him as if he was a cat with Fred doing his JD voice as a cat saying ''meow.''
JD had brought in a clip of Ellen talking to her guests about her break down and how she appreciated them. Howard threw in Robin's laugh again during that clip.
Howard said that this is such a crock of horse shit and she's turning this into a show. He said that they should chain her down and not let her eat. If she didn't eat so much, she wouldn't get fat. Howard said that he felt tired yesterday but he went out and ran a couple of miles anyway. Artie said that his mother has a thyroid problem but she's not fat. Howard said that Artie's mom is thin and hot, really, really hot.
Howard said that she should just admit that she can't keep her weight down. She's got a cook and a trainer and she still finds time to eat too much. She has people who regulate how much she eats and she's still fat.
Howard said that some reporter has to check into this Ellen story and find out if it's true that she adopted 9 dogs and gave them all up to other people. Robin said that if she was dealing with this stuff on her own, maybe it would all go away.
Gary came in and said that Sal called in sick and left a message where he has to cough to make sure they know he's actually sick. He had the audio clip for Howard to play. Sal coughs about halfway through the call and says he was ''pulling an Artie'' by throwing in that cough. Sal also told Gary to give him a call if he needs him for anything today. Gary said they should call him. No one needs anything from him but they should call him.
Fred played one of Artie's voice mails where he calls in and coughs for Gary when he calls in sick. Fred said that one was from 1/31/05 and Artie threw in a few coughs during that call. There was another one that he'd played before that one that didn't have a cough in it. Robin said that was the worst acting ever. Artie said that was for real. Gary said that one was probably put in the system on that date but Fred said they weren't even there then. Fred had another one that was from Artie's heroin days when he was calling in sick for a week. He was faking being sick then too.
Howard goofed on Artie by doing an impression of his sick voice and telling Gary he was calling in sick because he had a gun battle outside of his house. Fred then found a few other calls that Artie made back around the time he was on heroin. He claimed to have some kind of stomach virus and he was going to see a doctor for it.
Howard said that it would have been great if Artie had just been honest and told Gary that he was trying to get off of the stuff so that's why he wasn't coming in. Robin said he could have been on the toilet when he called and shit while he was claiming he had been up shitting and puking all night. Howard did an impression of Artie doing that stuff.
Howard pretended to be taking a shit and started making pushing noises like he was trying to take a crap. It went on a little long and Artie asked if he was waiting for Fred to throw in a fart sound. He said he was and Fred wasn't coming through for him. Fred didn't know that Howard was waiting for him. Fred said he had played a sound effect earlier that didn't work very well so he was holding off on doing that stuff. Howard said he wanted Fred to play the Richard Christy shitting sound effect but Fred wasn't able to find it.
Gary told Howard that they had a song parody with all of Artie's sick message sound effects in it. Howard played the song where they threw in all of his coughs.
A woman called in and said she works for one of these no kill animal shelters and when people come in to get a pet, they make sure that the pet they're getting gets along with their other pets. She thinks that they would have done that for Ellen. Howard said that she might do that regularly so she might be out of her mind.
Howard said he was all set with the sound effects now and tried to do the Artie calling in taking a shit phone call again. He had the Richard taking a shit sound effects ready this time. He pretended to be shitting and threw those awful sounding clips in there. Robin and Artie said that they can't stand those shitting clips, they sound so awful.
Howard said he went to his shrink yesterday and had some dreams interpreted. He also mentioned that Beth made him a nice dinner yesterday. The guys asked Howard about his dreams and what they were all about. Howard said that he had one where Gary was squeezing him to death and he woke up screaming after that. He said that the shrink told him that Gary wasn't even Gary in the dream and he wasn't himself in it either. Howard said that he kind of interprets the dreams himself when he goes to the shrink. He said sometimes he'll even make up dreams just so he doesn't have to talk about himself at the shrink.
Howard said he goes back to his office and meditates after the show. Yesterday he fell asleep and ended up waking up yelling ''Help me! Help me!'' He went on to read some e-mail feedback about him being gay for passing on sex with Beth. They had watched this show ''Tell Me That You Love Me'' that night and that's what got Beth worked up. Howard read through a few more e-mails about him and about Bubba who had passed on sex with his wife so he could have a BK Stacker from Burger King.
Howard read some more mail and some people were going off on Beth about what she did to get back at Howard. There was also some mail about Artie and how he needs to get some help. Someone suggested that they send Artie off to get some help with his weight. They suggested sending him off for 12 weeks at a weight loss spa. Robin said that they're saying that like they have full control over Artie. Howard said the problem with Artie is that he's funnier now than ever so there's no reason to send him off to rehab.
Howard read an e-mail from someone who suggested that people like Gary the Retard and High Pitch Eric be euathanized. Howard thought that was a little harsh. He had some mail about Lisa G as well and it was negative. He said he didn't like that. He read through that and said that he might have to have him down there to see what he looks like. The guy said that Lisa could have any man but she's too picky. Lisa came in and said that she's not picky and wanted to know how old that guy was. Howard didn't have his age in the e-mail.
One e-mailer said he loves the new Robin laugh track so much he almost ran off the road laughing at it himself. Howard got back to Lisa and asked her if she's dating guys. She said she's been out with a lot of guys and she just can't find the right guy.
Yesterday Artie said that he thinks that he might be able to get Lisa if he tried. He said he got that impression at his party the other night. He doesn't think she's attracted to him but she's so frustrated right now that she'd cave in and he could have her for just one night.
Yesterday on the Wrap Up Show Ronnie the Limo Driver said that he thought that Lisa was looking for man who would take her forcefully. Lisa said that's not right either. Howard asked Lisa if she's ever come close to getting married. She said she's never been engaged but she has come close. She said that her job is what stands in the way of that kind of thing though.
The guy asked Lisa about who there would make a good husband for her. They threw out Fred's name and she said that he's great. She didn't have anything that bad to say about anyone, except for Benjy. She said she can't figure out who he is when he's there at work. Howard asked Lisa to pick between Richard Christy, JD and Ronnie. She said she'd go with Richard. She said he's funny and she's heard from his girlfriend that he doesn't stink like everyone thinks.
Howard asked her to pick between Jon Hein, Jason and Scott the Engineer. She picked Jon first. Then she was asked Jason, Benjy or JD. She picked Jason. Howard had her get to her news preview after that.
Howard had Joey on the phone and he was saying that it's like Nazi Germany over there and they send people to ''time out forum'' if someone calls a girl a skank over there. He said that's just going too far. Howard asked him if he's on any gay web sites now. Joey said that he is on Gay.com now.
Joey told Howard that he's going back to rehab soon. He said that he's back on all kinds of stuff so he has to get some help. He said that things are really, really bad for him and he spent $3,000 on coke in the past couple of weeks. The guys wondered where he's getting the money for that stuff. Joey said that he did a commercial for alcohol abuse on Howard's channel and he used that money to buy the coke. He said that they paid him very well to do that commercial.
Joey said that his life is a roller coaster and he's really in trouble right now. He said that he can sit there and do an 8 ball of coke and drink a case of beers over the course of just one night. Howard said that Joey seems rational right now but the other day when he called in Robin said she could tell that he was out of it.
Joey said that he's burning bridges with his friends right now and he's just ruining his life. He said he has real addictive problems that he needs help with.
Artie told Joey that when he goes back to rehab they're going to ask him if he recognizes why he fell back into this. Howard said that he thinks it's because Joey hasn't become a full fledged homo. He said that he thinks that if Joey was able to be more gay, he wouldn't have these problems. He said that Joey doesn't dress well or anything and he might need to get a ''gay job'' or something.
Artie said he knows that Joey would like to work in comedy or for Howard's show but he might have to let go of that and get into life. He told him to let go of those things and do something else. Joey said that he has no one in his life right now and he needs that. Artie told him that if he stays in his basement doing coke, he's never going to meet anyone.
Joey said that he still likes Mutt and he thinks that they'll get back together at some point. He just doesn't agree with everything he's doing over at that web site. Howard let Joey go after that and went to commercial break.
Howard said there was something wrong with Ike's phone connection so he asked Will to call him back. The phone was cutting in and out but it was very hard hearing him. Howard told him they might have better luck yelling out the window.
Howard let Ike go and had Will try again. He said that Ike is married to his 15th wife at this point in his life. Artie said he thinks that he's been married 15 times but to 10 women or something like that. Howard said that in the enquirer they claim that he divorced this wife because she tried to poison him but Ike claims that's not true. Howard said that Ike has to be close to 70 at this point. Gary said that he's actually coming up on 76.
Howard said that he has the feeling that they're not going to be able to talk to him on the phone. He said that Ike had a really fucked up life. You think about him beating up Tina Turner in the movie about them but Ike watched his father get lynched by a group of white men. That would screw with anyone's head.
Howard said that Ike claims that the movie ruined his life but he was the one who approved the script. Gary said that they had Ike on the phone and had a good connection. Howard put him back on and heard a woman in the background. Ike said that he had his wife there with him and it's number 14.
Howard said he wanted to let Ike straighten out this National Enquirer thing. He said that they claim that he broke up with her because she tried to kill him with an overdose of pills. Ike said that they're still together though. Howard asked how old Ike is. He said that he's looking 30 but he's 75 years old. He said that the story in the paper is totally fake and he's suing over it. He said that he's upset about the story and he's not sure where they came up with that stuff. Howard asked Ike if this is his final marriage. Ike said he hopes so.
Howard asked Ike if Tina was his first or second wife. Ike said they never got married. Howard said this guy has had so many women that he can't even keep count. He read that he started having sex at the age of 6. He was with a 45 year old woman. Back then they didn't call it child abuse. Ike said he was having fun back then.
Howard read that Ike spent over 11 million dollars on cocaine. Ike said that he used to smoke that stuff back then and Artie said that it goes much quicker when you smoke it. Howard asked Ike about the movie about his life that he claims ruined his life. Ike said that it did ruin his life but Howard thought that he gave script approval. Ike thought that things were going to go differently and he claims that his lawyer may have told him stuff that wasn't true about the movie.
Howard asked Ike about being in jail. Ike said that he saw all kinds of crazy things going on there. Howard asked him about Phil Spector's case and if he thinks he's guilty. Ike said he doesn't think he's guilty at all. Howard asked if Ike ever gave it to Tina in the ass. Ike said that he should know better than that, he doesn't do that stuff. He said that he never did that and never ate ass either. He said that he's totally square.
Howard said he read that Ike had orgied with more than six chicks at once. Ike said that's true. Howard asked him if he has any money in the bank. Ike said that he has money and he's living in a nice place out in California. He has a house out there that's on the water. Howard figured he has money if that's the case. Howard asked him if he has a Jewish guy taking care of his money. Ike said yes to that.
Howard brought up the awful thing that Ike saw as a kid. Ike said that some guys kicked holes in his father's stomach. They then took him out to the swamps and kicked the holes in his stomach and then brought him back home and dumped him off. He said that he didn't see him get lynched like Howard thought he did. Ike said that they wouldn't take his father in the white hospital so he laid there dying for three years at home. He said that you could smell his intestines when he came home from school.
Howard asked Ike when he had his first white woman. He wasn't sure and his 14th wife was mumbling something to him. Howard asked him if she was black. Ike was all over the place talking about the different types of women and eventually told Howard that she's a ''blond haired spook.''
Howard had Ike put his wife Audrey on the phone. She got on and said that she didn't try to kill Ike at all. She said that she's also not afraid of him because he's 75 years old. She said she's been with him for 7 years now and he acts like he's 30. She was totally nude sitting there on the phone so Howard told Ike to do her while they listened. Ike said that would cost them some money.
Howard gave Ike a plug for his web site IkeTurner.com. Ike's wife asked Howard when he banged his first black woman. Howard said he was 50 years old. He was a bit of a late bloomer. Howard read that Ike had never worn a condom in all his years of screwing chicks. He never got any diseases but he has six kids. He said he sees all of them pretty often. Howard told Ike that he had to get going because his phone was cutting out. Gary said he thinks that's because they were on speaker phone. They tried to get that fixed but Ike was having problems.
Howard said that they have to have Ike come in there sometime so they can talk to him in person. Howard said he wants to talk to him about shooting his paper boy one time. He gave him another plug and let him go a short time later.
Howard said he had a lot of great callers for Ike but he just couldn't get to them. Sour Shoes was going to sing for him as Tina Turner. He put him on for a few seconds and let him do his thing before he hung up on him. He mentioned some of the other guys who had good questions for him as well.
Howard said that there's a story about another radio host who may have made up a mugging story. The host is from Air America and her name is Randi Rhodes. They claimed that she was mugged in New York City and thought it might be some kind of set up. Now they're saying that she was injured after falling while walking her dog but she never filed a police report. Her co-host was the one who came up with the mugging story.
Howard said there were some bizarre articles about that whole thing and he'd like to know how she breaks her teeth falling down and then claims she doesn't know how it happened. Howard said that no one knows how it happened. He said he'd like to talk to her about that incident. She was knocked to the ground somehow but no one will say how. There was one report that said she may have had some drinks that night. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and played a clip from a news report where they did a report about a drunk driver who called 911 as he was driving around. He was taunting police to come and find him while he drove around drunk. Howard asked Artie if he's ever been that drunk. Artie said he's never done that. The guy claims he didn't remember anything that happened that night and refused an interview with the news crew.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that he was trying to get to Artie yesterday about a birthday gift he had for Artie. Howard said that he doesn't want to talk to the guy on the air about that and it looks like he's lying to the call screener about what he's calling in about. Howard told the guy he's a fuckin' liar but the caller said that it's rude to get hung up on. Howard said that he's rude and that's why he hung up on him. Howard hung up on him again today. He said that the guy wants to talk about something and he ends up boring his audience.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked Artie to please stay alive, he's too talented to die. He went on to give Howard's history so Howard hung up on that guy too. He had called Howard the Jesus Christ of radio. Howard said that he's surpassed Jesus, he said that Jesus never did radio.
Howard said he wants to have a fun conversation with his audience but it can be hard sometimes. The next caller told Howard that Pat Cooper is a piece of shit. He said that he was knocking on SIRIUS and then came in and dissed Howard. Howard said he didn't want to talk about Pat and this guy was just trying to get on the air too.
Howard said that when you call the show you really have to be dedicated and then they get on the air and have nothing to say. Artie said he tried to call the show one time when he was just a fan listening and he gave up after that. Howard said that you really need to have something to say when you call in.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told the guys that it's really tough to make a call to the show. She started to explain something that happened yesterday but Howard got tired of that and hung up on her. He took another call from a guy who asked if he saw Richard Simmons on Letterman last night. Howard said he didn't see it but then went into a discussion about this season of Heroes which he's been watching. He said that it's getting good and he wasn't sure about it at first. Richard asked if he's into that blond cheerleader chick on that show. Howard said that he's really not, she's not all that hot. He said that he'd bang her though.
Artie said that the hottest chick on TV right now is this chick January Jones who is on some show that takes place in the 1960s, ''Mad Men.'' He said that she's stunning looking. They spent a minute talking about her.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in again but Howard hung up on her after a few seconds. Ham Hands Bill called in a short time later who wished Haydn Porter a Happy Birthday since she turned 19 just two days before Artie turned 40. He also said that he sent in a new song for them to play but Howard told him that it wasn't all that great. He said that he thinks that he came up with that one great song for Robin years ago but he hasn't been able to come up with another one since then.
Richard said he heard the song too and thought the same thing about it. Howard had Fred play the live version of Ham Hands Bill's Robin song parody that he performed earlier this year. That was a classic masterpiece.
Richard found the other songs that Bill had sent in so Howard played those. Bill tries to recreate that classic sound like his old parody but it wasn't working. Bill said that he's going to re-record the song for them. This song was ''Who's Fucking Dana Now'' and he was playing Artie wondering who's fucking Dana now. Howard told him not to bother remaking it because it won't get played. Bill said that he's going to re-record the sequel to the Ham Hands song parody.
Richard said that he never writes back and tells these people that the songs aren't good. Howard told Bill that if he doesn't hear it on the show, that means they didn't like it. They don't send out rejection letters or anything like that.
Howard let Bill go and said that he sounds more and more like Robin's dad. Bill was telling the guys to just do a salad toss if they're thinking about doing it, just don't tell the other person.
Richard told him about another one where this Yiddish Heavy Metal guy sings. The guy is serious according to Richard. He said that the guy is serious and it's not a joke. The guys tried to convince Richard that it's a goof but Richard thought he was serious. He had Howard play another one which was a jingle called ''Fuck You and Everything You Do'' which Howard didn't like. Robin kind of liked it but Fred didn't. There was another song where the guys were cursing for no reason in the song. Howard said this is why they don't play this stuff. He told Richard he really needs to find the bad-good stuff.
Richard said they got a good rock song from a band called ''After All.'' Howard played that song and said that it kind of started out good but then it kind of sucked. Richard said that there was another band called Uriah that sounded good. The song was ''Redemption I Am.'' Howard kind of liked the way it started off but then Fred started playing some of Robin's laughs in the middle of it. Howard wasn't sure about that one. Artie was trying to get into it and it wasn't happening for him. Howard said that some stuff just shouldn't be on the air, period.
Richard said that some of this stuff can turn into a funny bit sometimes. It wasn't happening today though. He told Howard that they had some rejected Baba Booey song parodies. Howard played a couple of those but they were really awful. Artie was laughing at them but because they were so awful. Howard said that Richard isn't picking the right material to play in this segment.
Richard said that it's hard to pick the stuff that Howard is going to think is so bad it's funny. Howard said he's going to have to pick out the stuff that Richard gives him to play.
Richard had Howard play another rock song they got from a band. They started out really good and Richard said that the drummer is really good in this band. Howard thought the drums sounded a little too loud but then the song got really good. He said the band does sound good. The band was called Lazy Eye and the song was ''When the Lights Go Out.''
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that he has some theories on Randi Rhodes. He thinks that she could have had a mini-stroke. He said that he's had some himself so he knows that it can happen. He said that he's actually chipped teeth doing that.
Howard let Melrose go and played another song parody that Richard had picked out as being really bad. Howard played about 3 seconds of it and cut it off saying ''No... no, no, no...'' He didn't finish the song. There was another song parody that was ''The Schwartzas Are Turning Gay'' that Howard played about 5 seconds of. Richard said he just likes the word ''schwartzas.'' That led to the guys talking about that word for a short time. Howard said it's Yiddish for black. Howard explained the word and then played the song parody now that they knew what it was about. The song didn't go anywhere and the guys didn't know why he was singing about them turning gay.
Howard asked Richard what the ''Ring of Fire'' was about. Richard said it was about him. Howard played the song and it had an intro that was too long and the song itself was terrible according to Howard.
Fred played a song that was an example of a bad song that was so bad it was good. That was Goody Dickman's ''Robin's Got a Squeezebox.'' Gary said that guy has been sending in a lot of stuff lately and he just doesn't hit it like he did with that one. Howard played another one of his songs and Howard said that no one cares about that one.
Howard took a call from Goody Dickman who said that he sent in one about Artie's birthday but Howard said that one didn't work either. He also said that he sent in one called ''Artie Don't Eat That Hero.'' Howard had Fred look for it but he wasn't able to find it. He thought that he didn't have it but then he found it. He played the song and the guys were laughing as it played. Artie said he liked this one. He was actually laughing pretty hard and Howard said that it was a good one. The song went on a little long but Howard let it play through because he seemed to like it.
Howard told Goody Dickman that he has two good ones now. Fred said there's another one that he did that was pretty good too. He played that one, ''Robin's Horny Tonight,'' and Howard said that was a good one too. Artie said that guy looks like one of those guys in the documentary ''Capturing the Freedmans.'' He said that's the best description he could come up with. Howard went to break a short time later.
One of the phony phone calls was one where they used clips of John the Stutterer yelling at Ralph to call a guy by the name of Ralph. The guy gets pissed off and challenges John to come and fight him. They have John saying that he'd be there and cursing him out.
Howard said he likes how they get these people to yell at audio clips like that Howard played another one where Richard and Sal called a music store using John the Stutterer clips and have him saying that he's got a harmonica stuck in his ass. They have the harmonica playing like it's coming out of his ass. The guy on the phone just starts laughing when he hears the harmonica playing.
Richard said that there's another one where they call for pizza as a monster truck announcer. Howard said he had another one where they call Gary the Retard and Richard just keeps breathing into the phone which pissed off Gary to the point of hanging up on him. Gary keeps yelling out ''Quit it!'' over and over again. He then threatens to tell Howard on him if he keeps doing it. Richard calls him back and keeps doing it.
Richard said that he and Sal have different phones in the office and a special one for the prank calls. The only person that has that number to call them is Gary the Retard so they know who's calling if it rings. Artie wondered why he gets so mad at the breathing like that. He said it must remind him of something.
Howard played the call where Sal calls and orders a pizza as a monster truck show announcer. Richard calls as the wife and then puts her husband, Sal, on the phone. Howard had another one that was going to be the last one for the morning. He said that it was one where Richard played ''nervous Mark'' who called a place to talk about buying a book about anxiety. They had clips of John the Stutterer on that call as well.
Howard said that those calls had just aired once each so now they've aired twice. He had another one that he wanted to play that had been played a few times. He said that this one was a good one though so he wanted to play it again. That call is one where he used clips of Ronnie the Limo Drover, as Scoresman, to call a tattoo shop. They have Ronnie yelling about being Scoresman and how he has a tattoo and not making a lot of sense. The tattoo shop guy threatens to beat his ass but Scoresman keeps on talking about how he's all about having fun. Howard said those guys are tough at those tattoo shops and it takes balls to make calls like that. Richard said he was afraid to call them back to get permission to play the call.
Howard had Steve Langford give his Howard 100 News preview. He came in and said that Artie's appearance at the Connecticut School of Broadcasting has been postponed by the school. They're saying that they need to set up better for security and crowd control. Howard said it sounds like they don't want him there. Artie said that the only crowd there would be the students because those are the only people who can go.
Steve said that it got very bizarre yesterday and a spokesperson from the school was trying to blame them for the whole thing. Steve said all they did was report on it. Artie said that he heard that someone may have been fired over there. He said he wanted to come and share his experiences with the students there. He said he wasn't going to goof on them at all or anything like that. Artie said it's in their court now and it's up to them if they want him to come up there. Howard said he doesn't know why they're making a big deal out of the whole thing.
Steve said that Imus is in discussions with something called RFD TV to do his radio show for them. They'll have more on that. They'll also have a report about Anne Murray having a new update on her Wikipedia page about feuds she's had in.
Steve said that they have a report about a fan who ran into Billy West in Australia and he may be coming back for a visit on the show. Howard wondered how many years it had been since they saw him. It was probably 1996 according to Artie who figured that was the last time he was on live. Howard said the last thing he remembers is Billy taking a picture of his balls for the show one day after they told him that everyone was going to do it. Billy was the only one who actually did.
Howard had Jon Hein come in next and asked him about his JumpTheShark.com web site. Jon said that they're doing fine with the site since TV Guide took it over. That led to the guys talking about some TV shows that people are talking about these days. Jon said he thinks that George Takei's character on Heroes is really dead but they may do flashbacks and stuff with him.
Jon said they'll be talking about Ike Turner today on the Wrap Up Show. They'll also talk about Sal's sick day call from this morning. They'll also be talking about Lisa G's tough choices this morning. Howard said that there are guys there who think that Lisa might be a virgin. There are three theories out in the office. One is that she's a virgin. The other is that she's had just a few sexual partners in her life and another is that she hasn't had a guy since she started at SIRIUS. Gary said that they all speculate on this stuff back there but Lisa won't tell them anything.
Howard figures that Lisa could have sex if she wanted but she could also be a-sexual too. Fred said he doesn't get that sense, he just thinks that she's particular about who she goes out with. Jon said they'll continue that debate and more. Howard said he wanted to find out from Lisa so he had her come in.
Lisa came in and said that she's taking a break from dating right now, but she's not a virgin. Howard asked her if she started this break 3 years ago. Lisa said that she didn't start it that long ago. She said that there's nothing wrong with a woman who doesn't mind being single. She said that she's fine being single. Howard asked her why she'd take a break, that's a pretty big deal. She said she's just taking a break from trying to find guys on dating services and stuff like that. Howard said he could never take a break like that. Lisa said that it just started at the end of the summer, she'd been dating before that.
Lisa said that she has been with guys over the past 3 years. Gary said that the guys in the office all went ''Bullshit'' when they heard that. Lisa said that she wouldn't just take a date if someone offered it to her. Will came into the studio and said that he doesn't believe that she's had sex in the past 3 years. He said that she's sexless and she's always going out and doing stuff without dudes. He said she's so uptight about sex all the time that he finds it hard to believe that she's having sex.
Howard said that it's kind of lame to say you're taking a break if there's nothing really going on. Artie said that if he had gone to Lisa at his party the other night and whispered in her ear, he could have ended that break. Howard said that he just doesn't get this break thing. Robin said that this stuff takes an emotional toll on women that it doesn't on men.
Howard saw that he had this guy Alan on the phone who claims to have dated Lisa. Lisa said that this guy is disingenuous and he only started calling her again when she started there at SIRIUS. Will said that she used to tell that guy to put on his seatbelt whenever they'd go out somewhere. Artie said that Dana used to ask him to ''try and put on the seatbelt.'' Lisa said that Howard would never put a married person through this kind of questioning. Will said that they've done that to Steve Langford before so it's no different.
Will said he asks Lisa about her life all the time and she never says anything about guys. She's having another cookie party on December 8th so she threw that out there for the guys. Howard told Lisa that he doesn't really care about her sex life.
Shuli came in and said that Lisa called her from her recital and asked him if he wanted to hear her play cello. He said that anyone who says that isn't getting laid. Howard let Lisa go after that and then went to break.
Howard had Robin start her news after Fred played one of her theme songs from the Bleeding Deacons. Robin started off the news talking about some of the comedians who are top earners in the entertainment industry. Howard figured that guys like Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell are the guys getting paid the big money. Robin wanted Howard to guess who the top earner was so Howard went through a few names and guessed a bunch but couldn't come up with the name. Robin said it was Jerry Seinfeld. David Letterman was also on the list. Ben Stiller, Jay Leno, Adam Sandler, George Lopez, Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy and Dane Cook were on the list as well.
Robin talked about the most watched TV shows, CSI and Dancing with the Stars. Howard almost had them when he guessed at what they were going to be. They spent a few minutes talking about Dancing with the Stars. That led to the guys talking about Wayne Newton and playing his performance of ''Danke Schoen'' on the show. Fred also played the original version of the song where Wayne's voice was much higher and sounded more like a woman's voice.
Howard said that the new girl on Smallville playing Super Girl might be the hottest chick he's ever seen. Robin had mentioned the show during on eof her stories and Howard said that chick was in a bikini in the show this week and looked really good.
Howard took a phone call from Bong Hit Bill but he'd pretty much forgotten about what he was going to ask about. He asked Artie if he's going to go to the Joe Torre rally today. Artie said that he's done a lot of dumb things in his life but he won't be going to that rally.
Howard told Artie to go lay down after he saw him just about falling asleep over there. Artie said that cupcake Wednesday is hard for him. He eats a bunch of the cupcakes from Crumbs Bakery and then crashes from the sugar high and just about falls asleep. Howard wanted him to go lay down but Artie wanted to stay in there so he asked for some Hawaiian punch with lots of ice. Howard said he saw the guys brought in some low fat cupcakes for Artie and Artie threw them right in the garbage. Artie said they looked like they were in his pocket and all matted down so he had to throw them away.
Howard said that he might go see Kelly Clarkson at The Beacon. He saw a sign up for her and thought about going. Fred threw in the Iron Sheik saying ''YOU ARE FAGGOT!'' clip when he heard that. Howard said he probably won't make it to the show, he can barely get out to see Bruce Springsteen.
A little while after Artie had his Hawaiian Punch, Howard said that it didn't look like it was working. Artie as still out and almost asleep. Artie said he was fine and not sleeping though. He tried to throw in a few jokes during the news but Howard still said it looked like he was about to sleep. Artie said he felt bad about that and woke up at the end of the show when Howard was wrapping up. They ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard started off the show talking about going to see Bruce Springsteen this weekend. He's going with Ross who has been to just about every Springsteen concert on the East Coast so far. Artie said he can't go tonight because he's going to do a gig with Jim Florentine. He said he's going to go to Boston to see the full show up there. He said Ross called him last night and he wanted to go but he just can't do it.
Howard said he understands the passion for Bruce but Ross has been to every single show. He was talking to Beth about it and he thinks that Ross is out of his mind for going to so many shows. He said Beth told him that she wasn't really looking forward to it and that led to Howard telling her that he was dreading it too. He said he knows he'll get there and he'll get into it though. He knows that Ross' enthusiasm will rub off on him.
Gary came in and said that Bruce started something where he has people in a pit closer to the stage so they can watch up close and dance. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. Gary said the pit is great and Ross will be in there doing his thing. He said that he'll be waiting for a gem of a song that he hasn't performed in a year. Ross will start yelling out songs for him to do because he gets so close. He'll try to get him to do a certain song and he'll just keep yelling it out.
Howard said he hopes that Bruce is doing the old songs, he doesn't want to hear the new stuff. Gary said he'll play 7 or 8 songs off the new album and the rest of the stuff will be from his old albums. Ross gives Gary a set list after every show so he knows what he's been playing lately. Ross gets excited when Bruce throws in an old song that he hasn't played much.
Howard wants to hear some of Bruce's hit songs from years ago. Gary said that he has to warn Howard that the shows become a bit of a Rocky Horror type of thing where the audience sings along with Bruce. Artie didn't know that. Howard didn't sound too thrilled with that.
Gary said that he'll be going to the concert tonight too. He said that he had the set list if Howard wanted to look at it. Howard said he would and wondered if it was going to be the same list tonight. Gary said it should be similar. Howard read through the list and didn't recognize a couple of them. He said he won't make it through the whole concert either. Artie doesn't think he'll get out of his car. Howard said he'll watch a couple of songs and then say he got the experience and leave.
Gary said that Bruce used to run around on stage when he was younger, now he doesn't really do that. Howard read through the list some more and said he'll never make it to the end of the show. Gary said that at the end of the show they turn on the lights so everyone can be seen. Howard won't be around by then so he won't have to worry about being seen.
Howard did his Bruce impression and started doing some of those raps that Bruce does before his songs. Gary asked Artie if he could go tonight. Artie is going to be at a gig tonight so he can't go. Gary must have missed that discussion earlier in the show.
Howard played one of those long raps that Bruce does before a song. It goes on and on so Howard had to cut it off. He ended up talking about his daughter who is always on her cell phone when she's around him. He said he doesn't want to be a dick and make her get off the phone so he lets her talk. Gary said that he'd ask her to be polite and get off the phone if that were him. The guys said that he should have pulled an Alec Baldwin and start yelling at her about being a rude little pig.
Howard said that his daughter has a ton of text messages on her phone and she tells him that she's not even that popular. The more popular kids have even more than she does. They're apparently basing popularity on text messages. He said he told her that he was going to see Bruce and she was excited about that. She's kind of into that kind of music. Gary said he was told that Bono and James Gandolfini were at the concert last night.
Artie said he can't wait to find out what Howard thinks about this concert. Howard said he'll have the update on Monday. He knows that he won't make it through the whole concert though.
Howard asked Artie if he was checking out Robin's ass yesterday. His mouth was full of food and he wasn't able to speak. That led to them talking about Artie's eating and how Richard gave him a bunch of low fat cupcakes yesterday that Artie just threw in the garbage. Artie said he can't eat anything that's been filtered through Richard.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks that Robin is going to keep the weight off this time. Artie said he thinks that she's given herself over to this lifestyle. She said that this has become her life. She said that the drink she had the other morning, that Howard watched her prepare, is just a supplement.
Robin said she has steamed vegetables sent over every morning and that's the kind of stuff she eats. Gary said that stuff smells so bad that they think someone farted out in the hall. Robin said that it's broccoli and she loves it. That's where the smell comes from.
On the Intern Show last night they talked about this smell that comes through the offices there at the Stern Show. They talked about how it smells like a bin that you put dirty diapers in. One of the interns thought that Crackhead Bob had shit his pants the first day he smelled it. Another intern said that she hopes that no one else gets on the elevator when she's bringing the food back up to the studio. She's afraid they're going to think she farted.
Robin said that it's a bunch of vegetables that she gets and it's normal stuff. They're just steamed veggies. Gary said he thought that Richard had farted in front of him one day but it was her food. Robin said her doody doesn't smell as bad as the vegetables do though. She said she might dip that stuff in dressing but she doesn't put any cheese or anything like that on them. Howard said he can't eat plain broccoli himself.
Richard came in and asked Robin if she would take a doody there and let him smell it. There was no way that was going to happen. Howard then said that Artie is right not to eat anything that comes through Richard. He once brought up some Deer Jerky that his family had sent to him and gave some to Isaac. He ended up getting sick from it. Ronnie came in and said that Richie got sick from eating it and ended up shitting his brains out.
Isaac came in and said he was curious about the jerky and had to try it just to see what it was about. It was all damp in the bag he was carrying it around in. He said that he's been out to Richard's family's house and it's something that you could probably just push over with your hand. Richard said that the place is about 150 years old so it might be that bad. Isaac said that Richard had a hole in his wall in that house and it was covered up by tape.
Ronnie said that he gets to set up Robin's breakfast and every morning when he opens it up, it smells like someone took a shit. Then he hears the guys out in the office talking about how it smells like someone shit in the hall. He heard Kid Rock the day he was in saying that it smelled like shit out in the hall too.
Howard told Robin that she looks really good after losing all of this weight. He had her standing up and showing off for the guys. She stood up and had normal pants on instead of those stretch pants. Artie said that her tits are looking really big too. Howard told her to get on the Sybian before her weight came back. He told her she's looking like a Playmate these days.
Howard said Robin's drink kills him and he loves to watch her making it. He talked about her stirring the drink and pushing the clumps of stuff in the liquid to the side and smashing them. Robin said it's a powder and the stuff clumps up when you pour water on it. She said it's a pink colored liquid and she's not even sure what flavor it is. It's an antioxidant supplement that she takes.
Gary told Howard they had a clip of Kid Rock asking about the smell when he was there. Howard played the clip and you hear Kid Rock saying ''Who farted?'' and talking about how it smelled like shit in there.
Robin told Howard that she's thinking about a whole makeover. Howard wanted to know what that meant and she said that she was thinking about changing her hair or something. Howard said that her tits are just as big as ever and he can't believe that they don't go away even after all of this weight loss.
Artie said that he and Jim Florentine are doing a show tonight and this is the first time he's been around him since this dating thing started. He said the evil side may come out in him tonight.
Howard wanted to know more about this make over that Robin wants to do. She wasn't giving him many details though. She's just thinking about this right now. Howard told her to keep Beth in mind for helping her out with clothes.
Bobo said that Beth looks like she's with child in that picture they were talking about. He said that he usually sees her out in skimpy outfits and in that picture she's wearing something that looks like a maternity shirt. Howard said that she's not pregnant. Bobo said he knows Howard was talking about something bothering him in his life and he figured that maybe Beth was pregnant. Howard assured him that's not the case.
Howard and the guys were looking through the pictures of Beth and talking about the bag she was carrying. The guys said that it looked very expensive. Howard thinks that it's a coach bag. He later found out from Lisa G that it's a Mark Jacobs bag.
Sal says that he has to rest for 3-5 days and his blood pressure is also up and he may have hypertension. He told them that he has his Lotus Notes on near his bed so they can get in touch with him if they need to. Gary wondered why he'd say he has hypertension in that call. It's got nothing to do with him being out sick.
Howard played a new voice mail from Richard's dad where he's telling Richard to call his grandparents because it's grandparents day. He also tells Richard not to bet on the Chiefs this season.
Howard played another clip where they had Sal call in as a guy from a record company. Sal did that but quickly broke his character and asked her if she could wash dishes. She still thought he was really from a record company and said she'd be willing to do anything. She was crying and going nuts during that whole segment.
Howard played a clip of Zenaida singing a song for them and laughed as that was going on. Artie said that it must have been from 2003 or so when she was on. Howard told him it was 2004 so he figured it must have been early '04 because Sal didn't start working for them until mid-2004. Wrong on all counts. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard read an article about the Kimmel thing and it seemed funny to Howard but the people at ABC apparently didn't think it was amusing. Howard had an audio clip from the show where Jimmy was asking where Joe was and joking around about him being fired. It was no big deal, the guys sounded like they were having fun according to Howard. He played another clip where the guys were talking and Kimmel says that he'd like to welcome Joe Thiesman watching from his living room with steam coming from his ears.
Robin said that Jimmy has become huge over there at ABC and they're sticking him on every show on the network. Howard wondered what Jimmy is supposed to joke about over there. That led to Artie talking about this guy who replaced Joe and how he's managed to work a lot of work into his life there at ABC. Howard said that Jimmy isn't being allowed back on Monday Night Football now that this has happened.
Artie said that they make Kimmel do everything over at ABC. He's even flying between New York and California to do Regis and Kelly and then do his own show. Howard said Jimmy doesn't seem to mind doing it though, he never complains. Artie said he's got a great attitude when it comes to that stuff.
Gary said that Jimmy has been banned from doing any basketball coverage after making a comment about Detroit burning during a game.
Zenaida said that she got very depressed and started eating. Howard asked her if she's on medication now. She said she is and she seemed much more level headed than the last time she was on. Howard said he could tell she was on something.
Zenaida said that she moved from her home in Haverhill, Massachusetts to New York and that was a tough thing to do. She was on the show back in September 2004 and when she left some people claimed they wanted to help her but ended up scamming her out of $7,000. She said that was her life savings and she blew it all on trying to get into show business.
Howard asked Zenaida if she's getting discouraged. She said that she's back now after being sick for a while. She isn't discouraged at all. She said she was very naive in thinking that she was going to get help but now she's pursuing the SAG program. She said she has to audition and she's made the call to get that going.
Howard told Zenaida that it was great when she was on the show crying and now she's too even keeled. He asked her what meds they have her on. She tried to think of the name and said it started with an A. She couldn't remember the name of it. The pill helps her out. Howard said it sure does because she's not crying today. She said that she was crying last time because she couldn't believe she was in his presence.
Howard asked Zenaida to sing for them and she went right into a song. She sang for a few seconds and then Howard suggested that she go on American Idol. She said she wants to help people get into show business and show them that they can do it. She said she doesn't want to be a superstar anymore, she just wants to be an entertainer.
Howard asked Zenaida to do some acting with him and wanted to do a scene from Fame. Zenaida said that she had never seen that movie so Howard had to explain it to her. He said that it's the scene where Coco is going for an audition and breaks down and cries when a guy asks her to get naked for him. He told her that Irene Carra played the part and she's the one who sang that song ''Fame'' which Zenaida actually knew.
Howard told Zenaida that she didn't emote very well and she should have cried or removed her top during the scene. She said that she didn't have a chance to rehearse before the show. Howard said he didn't rehearse either though.
Zenaida wanted to something for Howard. She said it wasn't really a dance, it was more of an interpretive thing. She asked for some Sade music (A Kiss of Life) and started dancing around for him. Howard told her that was good and she was lip syncing to the song. Howard said there's nothing like dancing around on radio.
Howard said that these therapists are ruining his show because Zenaida wasn't crying today. He said that he can't have her coming in there so normal and wants her to skip the meds for a few days before her next appearance. Artie asked her about the SAG thing and if she knows what's going on. He told her that she will have to pay to get into the union that is SAG and they're not a scam.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys wanted her to sing the Star Spangled Banner but he said he didn't have time to do that today. He let her go a short time later and said that she was too normal today. Artie said that a normal Zenaida is like a crazy anyone else though.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard to get rid of her, he'd rather hear Sal and Richard sucking each other's cocks. Howard said that it proves that those pills really do work. She was just as boring as anyone else on those pills. He said that modern psychiatry is ruining his show. Another phone caller said that she must be stupid to have given up 7 grand to get into show business.
Lisa also said that they have a story about Oprah Winfrey who is doing a show about people who have ''emotional friends.'' They're looking for people to e-mail them to come on the show. The guys think that the show must be inspiring Oprah's show now that she's doing that. Lisa said that on October 18, 1982 Robin returned to Howard's show on WNBC. They'll be talking about that today.
Howard let Lisa go and spent a little more time talking about Zenaida. He said he knew that she was going to come in normal today. He and the guys talked about the Sade music she had them play too and ended up playing more of her stuff. Howard said that's the kind of stuff they play in the bathroom at Nobu while you're pissing. Howard said you don't really even hear the music, it's just background noise. That led to Fred playing more Sade music and playing some fart sounds over it as if it were something playing in the bathroom. He threw in some of Richard Christy's shitting sounds as well.
Howard asked Eric if he really wanted him to get a Playmate on the phone during this thing. Eric said that he has to get the OK from any celebrity he wants to put in the book. He needs their permission to do that. Howard said that he should just finish his book and worry about that later. Howard said he doesn't need her permission to write about her.
Howard said that he's trying to figure out how he works this Playmate into the story. Eric said that there's a charity event and this one girl is one of the people at the event. Howard said he had this Bridget chick on the phone and put Richard Christy on the line. She was saying that she was too busy sucking 80 year old cock to help him out with that story. Eric figured out it was Richard and pointed that out to Howard. He said that he can tell when it's Richard or High Pitch Eric and they can't fool him.
Howard told Eric to keep working on that book and not listen to Johnny Fratto about whose permission they need. He let him go a short time later and said that they'll be hearing his book next week.
Howard said that Ralph told him that his favorite part of the show yesterday was when Joey Boots admitted that he spent $3000 to buy coke and the money came from a commercial he'd done for a rehab center. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Fred played some clips of Ronnie talking about being Scoresman before he actually came in. Ronnie came in and said that he went out with a couple of girls and this other guy. They went to a motel and got two different rooms. They were running back and forth banging both chicks, switching off with each other. He said that they'd call each other and meet in the hall and bang the other chicks. The caller said that Ronnie was a real Mark Twain telling that story. It wasn't all that great of a story. Ronnie said that he doesn't think he was wearing a rubber back then either and the chick he was with had the biggest bush he's ever seen.
Ronnie said he got married at 22 and lost his virginity at 15. He had a story about that too. He said that his first love was a girl he'd meet at the bus stop every day. She was a really religious catholic girl and her family hated him because he was Jewish. Her father actually told him to stay away from his daughter. He said that they'd hang out at his house in the afternoon. His grandmother came over one day when he had his girl naked in his bedroom. He had to get her out of the house when his grandmother showed up though so he had her hang out and wait for a few minutes while he got rid of his grandmother.
Gary said he heard a story about Ronnie meeting some chick out on the street and asking her to go out but Ronnie said he couldn't go into that one. Howard said that story is pretty funny. Ronnie said that he was out driving in his car one day and it was late at night. He pulls up to a light and there's this chick in the car. He asks her to go out for a drink and tells her to park her car. He said that she parked her car and he was parked next to her waiting for her. He wanted to see what her body was like because her face was good. She then pulls her crutches out of the car and swings her legs out. He took off as soon as he saw that. He wanted nothing to do with that. The crutches were the type with the hooks on them for her arms so they were something she uses all the time.
Artie said that he had a friend who was banging a retarded chick while his wife was away. He said that the chick kept showing up at his house even after he tried to get rid of her. He said that the guy bought her a bus ticket to Minnesota and sent her off to make sure she didn't come back.
Ronnie said he had another story for this guy on the phone. He was still talking about that last chick who had the crutches though. Howard wondered if she picks up guys in cars like that all the time. He said that he even turned his lights out so she couldn't see his license plate as he took off. He said he didn't want to hurt her feelings and it was probably better that way than actually telling her that things wouldn't work out.
Ronnie said that he was engaged to this chick one time and he was working for a guy doing weddings, driving a limo. He went to this one wedding and had a bunch of girls in the car. One of them was getting more and more loaded as the day went on. The girl didn't have a date for the wedding so they threw her in the front seat with him. He said that she asked him to come to the wedding with her so he called his girlfriend and told her he wasn't going to make it to see her. He went back to the wedding and ended up dancing with this chick. He went back to her apartment and she had a kid there. She asked him to stay there so he did. Meanwhile his mother was looking for him. He ended up staying there for three days. He ended up breaking up with his fiancé a while later. His mother went off on him for screwing up the engagement after he did all of that.
Ronnie asked the guy on the phone if those stories were good enough. Wolf said they were good, he was impressed. He then asked if Robin went on this weight loss thing because of the beating she took during the last roast. Howard said he thinks that's exactly what motivated her to do that. Robin said that she didn't need those silly comedians to motivate her.
Howard said that there was a really hot black chick that they had on the show one time, many years ago, and she threw herself at Fred. Fred didn't react to it though. Howard said that she was in a parking lot with Fred and she told him she needed him right then. Fred told her that he was devoted to his work and he couldn't do anything with her.
Fred said that back then he thought he had to be emotionally attached to someone to have sex with them. Howard said he figured that Fred didn't want to be with a black chick but Fred claims that's got nothing to do with it. Fred said that he could go out with a black chick and he'd have no problem marrying one. Howard said that when they were at NBC, there were chicks who would throw themselves at him and he wouldn't do anything. Fred said that he was trying not to be a scumbag and screwing girls over. He said that if he could go back, he would have fucked every one of those chicks that he could have.
Howard said that he was very confused by what Fred does. They had a girl in the studio one time and Fred stuck his hand down her pants. Howard said he once asked Fred if he'd ever had sex with a woman. Fred said that he had girls in high school and college but then things thinned out and he didn't have many after that.
Howard said that Fred did try to get chicks but he wasn't making a lot of money. He was making like $16,000 when he started out in radio. Fred said that he was like 24-25 making that kind of money so he doesn't like to hear the guys in the back complaining about not getting a bonus at Christmas.
Howard said that Fred was living in a basement of a house for a while with a hot plate. He didn't have any friends, everyone in the building was a different ethnicity and they didn't like him. Howard said that Fred disappeared one weekend and thought that one of the guys in the building had killed him or something. Then Fred shows up for work on a Monday morning and didn't say anything. Howard said he asked Fred what went on. Fred told him that he went to visit this girl he'd liked in high school. He met her down in Florida. Fred didn't want to talk about what had happened but did talk about it. It turns out the girl is a lesbian now. He went down there to visit and thought he was going to get laid. Fred said that he kept in touch with her for a long time over the phone and thought they still had something.
Fred said that they talked about hooking up for years. He said she walked in looking like a million bucks in a red dress. Within the first 2 minutes she tells him that she's studying martial arts and she's a lesbian. She was the one who asked him to come down there and that's why he thought that something was going to happen. Fred said that he looked the same then as he did in high school. Howard figured she didn't like his looks or something. Fred said that wasn't the case.
Fred told another story about hooking up with a chick that had sent in a letter to the show. He said that she was good in the sack and they fucked all night. He said he started feeling guilty after that and he never called her back. Gary thought that story was great when he heard it from Fred. That was back in 1986 or so. He said that Fred was having so much sex that he started chafing down below. Fred said that he actually ripped his foreskin.
Howard said he can't imagine Fred fucking any chick. He said he just doesn't see him as a sexual type of guy. Even Fred said that he can't see himself fucking. He said that he must have fucked for 12 hours that day. He didn't even stop after ripping his foreskin.
Howard told another story about going to this guy's house to do a party for the listeners. He said that they had two girls there and they were into him and Fred. The girls wanted to give them a ride home but Howard couldn't do anything because he was married. He said they were probably drunk and this one chick was wearing one of those arm bands with a snake going around it. He said that it was perfect and he would have loved to have been able to bang them. He said that Fred could have banged one of them though, he's not sure why Fred didn't do anything. Fred said he didn't feel right doing that stuff at that time. He said that he thinks too much.
Howard said that the black chick in Washington was really hot. Robin said that woman pined for Fred and she used to come in every day and tell her that he sang songs to her and stuff like that. She'd tell Robin how great Fred seemed to be.
Howard said he still thinks that Fred was still a virgin when he got married. Fred said that wasn't true and he lost his virginity at 16. Howard said he doesn't believe it. Fred said that he wants to know which prick put Gay Rich on his lap at his bachelor party. The guys told him that it was Neil Drake who did it. Fred said he's wanted to punch him in the face ever since then. Howard said that Rich was even in a leopard skin thong that they had given him to wear. The guys talked about what went on that night and how Fred had his arm around Rich and was stroking his face like he was coming out of the closet.
Fred wanted to know who got him off his lap that night. Howard said he got Fred out of the club because Fred was so plastered. He said that Rich was rubbing Rich's head but he didn't know what was going on because he was so drunk. Fred said the last thing he remembers was Dan Foreman asking to buy him a drink and a couple of Scores girls dancing for him. After that he remembers very little. Fred said that after all of that he's amazed that his wife stayed with him at all.
Gary said that Fred was so drunk that night that the doctor kept coming to him at the hospital saying that they weren't sure if he was paralyzed or not because he wasn't responding to any stabs or anything else they did to him. Fred did a dead fall from the stairs there at the club and fell flat on his face. Howard said he wasn't sure how far they would have gone if Rich had stayed on Fred's lap. Fred said that those guys aren't the ones you want to black out in front of. Howard said that if he hadn't stepped in, Fred might be married to Gay Rich now.
Artie brought up the story about Fred going to Florida and finding out about the Lesbian chick. He said that's just a horrible thing to have happened. That led to the guys talking about how Fred did the Dial-A-Date thing on the show and ended up meeting his wife through that. Howard said he didn't think Fred wanted anything to do with that segment but it really worked out for him. Fred didn't even pick the chicks who said that they wanted to fuck him, he went with the chick who said she didn't know if she was going to. Fred said that she did end up fucking him that night though.
Gary said that Fred didn't show up until 8 in the morning the next morning. He was out all night with that chick. Gary said that Alison thought that they were pulling a prank on her because she was supposed to have a car sent for her and it never showed up. Fred said that she eventually made it to the restaurant and they had a great talk there and then headed out in a cab and he started feeling her up in the cab.
Howard said that he was taking Artie to his surprise party last week and they got into some heavy discussions in that short time. He said that he told Artie that there are some dark stories about Fred's childhood. They didn't get into it too deep though because he'd rather let Fred share his stories.
Robin said that Fred has gone through some stuff that she doesn't think that she'd have been able to make it through. That got Howard talking about Robin's anal sex story that she told in her book ''Quivers: A Life.'' Howard said that the guy who banged her in the ass didn't even use lube. Robin said that she didn't even need it and he has no idea what it's like to be a woman. She said that she was so hot that she didn't even need any lube. She said that she would have crawled up the side of the building to get to that guy. Fred said that he's had anal a couple of times and he didn't need lube either. He said that the woman has to be really worked up though.
Howard said that he can't do anal because it's kind of creepy and he always feels like there's something in the chamber and he doesn't want to pull out a plumb.
A caller asked Howard to be careful with these stories because he doesn't want to hear about foreskin ripping. Another caller said that the anal stuff was pretty gross. He also said that he thinks that they might be homos if they do anal.
Howard said that Ellen did all the wrong things but he's wondering if they should give the dog to the family that lost it. They were saying that the shelter has rules and they won't give it to this family that has little kids. Howard thinks that they should check out the family and maybe release the dog to them. The woman on the phone kept talking about her dog being dead so Artie was yelling that they already knew that.
Howard said that they really need to check into this Ellen thing and find out if she's really adopting all of these pets and giving them up. Howard read that Ellen's dog has already been placed in another home. Gary heard that from Jason as well.
The woman on the phone said that she bought a piece of Henry Hill's art work and they have to see it because his finger prints are all over it. She said that she only paid like $25 for it. Henry was actually on the phone so Howard put him on with the woman on the phone. She told Henry about the fingerprints and he said that's part of his art, he does that on purpose.
Howard let Henry get in some plugs for his art that's available on ebay.com. Henry also said that his restaurant has opened up.
Robin said she got a story off the wire saying that Ellen has already adopted another dog. Howard said that someone has to look into this and find out if she's doing this all the time. He said that many people have this fantasy that the dog is going to change their life for the better. He said that he has a dog and there's no way he could do it without Beth to help him out. That led to the guys talking more about how nutty this Ellen seems.
Howard played the audio from Ellen's show where she broke down crying talking about how she had adopted this dog and gave it up because it wasn't getting along with her pets. She gave it to a family and the shelter she got it from caught wind of that and took the dog back.
Howard said that it seems like Ellen wants nothing to do with actually caring for these pets she takes in. He said he thinks that she adopts these dogs and then puts them in another home. He had to go to break after talking about that.
Howard had Steve give his news preview after that. Steve said that Jim and Robin may have been out on a date last night. Robin told him to move on to the next story. Howard wanted to know if Jim knows what Robin's breasts look like yet. Robin said no to that. She was laughing and not saying much about the date other than the fact that Joan Rivers was funny. Robin said she did sit with Jim at the show they went to and she was wearing a bra with a low cut top. Howard told her ''good for you...''
Howard asked Robin if she and Jim went out anywhere after. She said that they went out for drinks. Howard kept digging and wondered where they went. Robin said they went to a restaurant. She said she had maybe 4 glasses of wine that night. She said that she wasn't drunk but Howard figured that she had to be on 4 glasses. She said it was only 3.
Howard asked Robin how late she stayed out. She said she was out until 11:30 or so. She said that Jim did kiss her goodnight but he didn't stay with her. Artie asked her if she saw the Paramus Mall on her way into work this morning. That would mean that she had stayed at his place last night. She said she didn't see anything.
Steve Langford was writing all of this stuff down as she was telling them about it. Robin said that she and Jim were in an alley kissing but she was just joking. Robin said that Jim walked her to her hotel room door.
Howard said he thinks that Jim put his hand on her breast. She said that she just a kiss goodnight, that's all there was too it. Gary asked her if they're going to keep dating. Robin was laughing and not giving them a lot of details. She said that this was over and she's not answering anymore questions. Howard asked her if she masturbated in her hotel room. She said she didn't and she swore on that. Artie ended up singing Anne Murray's ''Dreaming'' song to her as Fred was playing her insane laugh track.
Steve got back to his news preview and talked about Imus and his show possibly being shown on RFD TV. He said that he'll be on with a bunch of farming shows and stuff like that. Steve also mentioned a couple of other stories about Double A and some other stuff that they have coming up today
Artie said that High Pitch Mike has been using the N-word a lot lately. He said that he told him a joke at his party last week that wasn't really funny. It was a racial joke about her not showing up to the party because she had Jungle Fever. He said it wasn't funny at all though.
Howard got back to Robin and asked her more about the Jim Florentine thing. Robin didn't want to talk about it but everyone said that she's fair game if she's dating someone like that. They talked to her about it and said that maybe she's ashamed of what she's doing and she should just admit it. Robin said that's not the case at all. Howard had Steve wrap up his news after that. Steve said that they still want to know when people see Robin and Jim out on dates. They found out about that date last night thanks to a tipster.
Howard had Mike get to his game so here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard had Mutt on the phone to give his Superfan Roundtable preview. Mutt said that they're going to talk about this retirement talk that the guys have been having lately. They're also going to talk about Howard's relationship with Beth. He said they may also talk to Joey Boots about what's been going on with him lately. Howard said that Mutt is kind of like that Jim Cramer guy because he yells a lot on that show.
Howard played a clip where this guy Steve is yelling at his guest about giving a young girl heroin. He did a lot of yelling at the guest. Howard said that he had a clip of Matt Lauer talking to Larry Craig about his recent troubles with the law. Matt asked Larry about some of the stuff he's been involved with and he seems to make things even worse with his answers. His wife was there saying that she would never do anything like marry a man to cover him his homosexuality. Craig and his wife do a lot of explaining about all of these misconceptions so many people have had about him.
Howard said that there's an awful lot of shit flying around this guy's head. Howard said that Jim McGreevy's wife didn't know he was gay until he came out of the closet so anything is possible. Howard did a Larry Craig and Matt Lauer impression and had Craig proving he's straight by putting his cock in Matt's mouth to show that he won't grow if it's in there.
Howard played more of the interview where Matt was asking Craig about the incident he had in an airport bathroom. Craig had explanations for everything of course but it all sounded kind of suspicious to Howard and the guys. Matt Lauer asked Craig if he's perhaps bi-sexual. Craig said he's against that lifestyle and he wouldn't do anything like that.
Howard and Artie were doing their Larry Craig impressions coming up with crazy gay stories and stuff before talking about what a douche that guy seems to be. They're trying to say that the cop who caught him was profiling and trying to make him look bad. Howard was doing his impression saying that he had to identify which one it was so no one would confuse him for Elvis.
Howard said that interview wasn't so convincing and Craig may has well have done that interview with a dick in his mouth. He went to break a short time later before Robin got to her news.
Howard asked Robin start her news after Fred interrupted her with a song parody about her. Ross came in and said that Bruce will be performing that song that they had just played. The guys said that Dave Marsh and Nils Lofgren were right outside the studio if they wanted to put them on the air. Gary said that Dave hates them so he probably wouldn't come in.
Howard told Ross that he'll enjoy the show but Beth isn't looking forward to it at all. Howard said that Ross' wife doesn't like these shows either but Ross doesn't even know that. Ross said that he doesn't know because he hasn't been spending a lot of time with her lately. He's been busy going to these shows.
Howard and Artie asked Ross what makes for a good show. Ross was saying that some of the shows are good when he plays a good set of songs during the show. He said that he's got such a vast catalog of songs that it's different every time.
Howard kept asking Gary to bring in Nils Lofgren but it wasn't happening. Gary said that Nils said that he can't come in because they're getting ready to go tape something else. Howard said that if they're taping something, they can delay it. Howard said that he was there for Nils when Bruce dumped him. Gary said that Nils told him to come to the show tonight and bring a basketball. He was referring to a game of ball that he and Howard had played one time. Howard lost to Nils who is about a foot shorter than Howard.
Howard had Gary go out to the room where Nils was waiting and tried to get an interview with him out there. Gary went out and tried to get him but Nils was on his way to do something else. Nils was waving as he ran off. Gary said that the people who run that place should be bringing Nils there because it's more important to do Howard's show than whatever else he's doing. Howard thinks that Nils should have dropped everything and come in there.
Fred played another of Robin's song parodies just as she was about to start talking. She started off with a story about 50 Cent beating the crap out of a co-star in a movie he's working on because the guy went off on him for not knowing his lines. She had some other entertainment news about Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Larry Craig impression and calling himself ''Fairy Craig'' and singing some gay song parodies. Howard ended up hanging up on him saying he was kind of hard to work with sometimes. He was trying to get something going there but it just wasn't happening this time. Howard said sometimes he hits a home run but today it didn't happen.
Howard and the guys spent a short time talking about Conan and how he may get a $40 million payoff from NBC if Leno doesn't give up the Tonight Show and turn it over to him. Artie said that he'd rather take the 40 mill than do the Tonight Show. They spent a few minutes on that and talked about how there's no way Leno is going to give up that easy gig. He's got it made, no one is afraid to do his show and he's making great money with the number 1 late night show.
Howard brought up Ralph Howard's (Howard 100 News) wife, Julie Halston, during the news and said that they found out some more info on her. She's in the new ''Sex and the City'' movie playing the part of Bitsy von Muffling in the movie and she's been in a bunch of other stuff.
Robin went through some more news stories and Fred ended up talking about how they got an e-mail from a woman who works with the rescue organization that took the dog back from Ellen Degeneres. She thanked Howard for speaking out for her because every interview she's done, she's gotten slammed in. Howard said that this woman is trying to do good work and people are bashing her. The woman claims that she's had to shut down her shelter because of all of this and she can't go on with her life's work. Howard said he was sick of hearing about Ellen and her dog after that. He told the woman not to give up on her work though.
Howard wrapped up the show around 10:55am after telling Robin he's looking forward to seeing her makeover next week. Artie said that he's doing a show with Jim tonight in New Brunswick at the State Theatre and there are still tickets available. He's hoping that Jim doesn't blow off the show to go out with Robin or something.
Howard started off the show asking for Gary to help him out and called him an imbecile when he asked him. Howard asked Robin if she wanted her birthday gift now or not. He said he hates giving her gifts because he never knows if it's going to be good enough. Howard asked her how old she is and she let him know that she's 41 now. Howard said he's still in his 30's and he's going into a depression over it. He said people tell him that he looks good for his age but that does him no good at this point.
Howard asked the guys if they got her a gift. Fred spoke up and said he did. Jackie didn't get her anything. Howard said he's a weird guy like that and he's really not part of the show when it comes to that stuff. Howard had Gary come in with the gift that he'd brought in. He said they decided to go with some apparel for Robin. Howard said that he and his wife thought a lot about this gift and she may go off on him about it. She said that she went off on him just one time and he'll never forget that.
Robin opened up the card that he'd gotten her, read that, and then opened up her gift. Robin said the gift was from Sach's 5th Avenue. She said the price didn't matter to her. She then said that there were some terry cloth slippers in the package. She then found a Notori(?) pajama set which was something that she's always wanted. Howard told her those were pajamas she can masturbate in.
Howard told Fred he was up with his gift. Fred went over to Robin and gave her his gift. Robin was trying to figure out what it was though. Fred told her not to touch it with her fingers. They were sunglasses that Robin can use when she's out in the park trying to disguise herself from people. They were Oakley sunglasses that weren't cheap according to Fred. Howard said he's never seen glasses like that. Fred said they were over $100. Robin said she's not sure if she'll look good in them but she'll check it out and maybe keep them. Gary got for Robin what she got for him, nothing.
Howard said that he's going to go out and do his scenes that aren't in front of the audience. He said that he'd be willing to do whatever they want him to do even if it were in front of the live audience. Howard said he had some ideas for the part and threw them out there for the writers to consider. He said he wouldn't mind doing a love scene with the girlfriend on the show.
Howard said he thinks it'll be fun to do even though he wasn't so sure about that at first. Robin said she thought it was a great thing from the first time she heard it. Howard said that they weren't going to pay him to do it so he figured he didn't want to do it. He won't even have a script until Wednesday, just two days before he has to shoot. He said his part will just be a cameo. He's not going to be in any major part or anything.
Howard said he hopes that they don't give him a bad part to play. He said he'd like to play a real a-hole or something and push people around back stage. Either that or he comes on and everyone likes him. He threw out a few more ideas for what he could do on the show and said that he'll be there for the day so it shouldn't be a problem if they want to give him a bigger part. He said he's more than happy to do the cameo though.
Howard said he's never been on a professional set before so it'll be interesting to see what happens behind the scenes. He told Robin and the guys that they have off on Friday because of that.
Gary came in and said that it's really nice to do those things because they did that on the Crucified by the FCC CDs. Howard thanked him and Kevin Renzulli the newsletter guy. Gary said he worked really hard on that and still got bummed out for some reason.
Howard said that he's just going to take out all of the acknowledgements from the book. He said he could leave them in but he knows he'll hear that he could have been nicer. He said he only had one line about Gary but that was just to keep things short and not too drawn out.
Howard said that he was talking to the editor about that stuff and she told him that they weren't big enough so that's why he's just taking it out. He said that he mentioned some names in there and he didn't even have to do it.
Howard said his 6 month old daughter said her first word over the weekend. He joked that she said ''Jackie'' as her first word. He said that he didn't make too much of a big deal out of it though. He said that his father always made him feel like a moron. He said he didn't go too overboard with her, he just bought her a car after saying her first word.
Howard said that these kids are born into perfection and then they start teething and they have to go through all of this pain. Robin said that her whole life is going to be painful, that's what life is.
Howard took some phone calls and had to go through some people who had nothing to say. One guy asked about the delay time out there in California and why it's 3 minutes long. Howard told him that it's 70 seconds, not 3 minutes. Howard had to hang up on him. He went through a few more calls before finding someone to talk to. One guy said that Patty Smythe said some stuff about Howard in an interview recently. He explained what she said and how she enjoys being on his show. Howard said that guy seemed to be very nervous but he can't goof on him because he was like that through all of high school. He ended up goofing on the guy anyway.
Howard said he really hated high school and it's all coming back to him now that he's writing this book. He said that he's going through the same misery he always goes through with this book.
Howard asked if he should pass wind on the microphone or not. Jackie said he'd prefer it so Howard went right ahead and let a little one out. He then said that he was out walking with his 7 year old over the weekend and he farted. She asked him if he had farted so he told her that it was his gift to her. She didn't understand what he was talking about so he told her that he was thinking about her birthday and that's what he came up with. He said that it's very special gas and it made her laugh really hard.
Howard said he'd tell Jackie the same thing and tell him that he's going to get him a box of vomit for his birthday or something like that. He went through a few more phone calls after that. One guy said that the guy who plays the announcer dude on the Garry Shandling show is a Scientologist. Howard said he's not sure he can goof on his fellow actor. He said that the Scientology thing is kind of goofy though. The caller said that he's a Scientologist himself so Howard ended up asking him how he can believe in that stuff. The guy said that it's more of a philosophy than a religion. He said that it's all about believing that you can help yourself.
Howard talked to the caller and said that he might have to try and get him out of this brain washing. The caller doesn't think he was brainwashed. He said that he was born into it so it wasn't something that someone talked him into. He said that it was his choice to go with it even though he was born into it.
Howard talked to the guy about the E-meter that Scientologists use to pick up the electrical flows that you have running through your body. Robin said it's like a lie detector test. The caller said it could be considered that with some people. They talked to the caller about all of that stuff for a few minutes and Howard told him that he'd be lucky if he was swept up by some other cult. He said that he's already primed and pumped for that kind of stuff. He said that he doesn't have any kind of mental freedom.
The caller asked Howard if he's going to a psychiatrist. Howard said he's going to start next week. The caller said that if he's going to try that, why not try Scientology. Howard said he doesn't want to pray to L. Ron Hubbard so he won't be trying it. The caller thinks that it could help Howard but he really doesn't want anything to do with it. Howard said that Psychiatry is fine with him.
Howard said he'd like to have this guy in so he can try to deprogram him. The caller asked if he wanted him to stop by sometime but Howard kind of blew him off and went to break a short time later.
He went on to read the article about Kathie Lee and how she's planning on raising her daughter. That led to the guys talking about how Kathie Lee's kids will probably grow up to be really bitter like the kid who played Dennis the Menace in the old TV show. They were talking about a kid that the character was actually based on and how they should get him on the show.
Gary brought in a story about Jay North, the guy who played Dennis the Menace, and Howard read through that. Howard also said that the Olsen Twins look like they're going to grow up to be heinous looking. He said that they look like they might end up looking like the Mole Men on the old Superman shows. He explained who those Mole Men were and how they were able to hurt Superman with this vacuum cleaner that they came out with. Howard said that it was the first time that he'd ever seen Superman defeated by anything but Kryptonite. He said that was some show back then. Howard said that it's no wonder George Reeves jumped out a window.
Howard said that George Reeves had bigger breasts than Jessica Hahn. His belly was always hanging over his belt too. The guys talked about that guy Jay North a little bit too. Howard said that Jay's hair used to look nice when he was a kid and now it's a mess. He read that Jay wants to give some payback to people he knew years ago. That led to him talking about how he'd like to give some payback himself. He said his mother would tell him to never think like that when he was younger though.
Howard mentioned Imus' name in that payback thing and ended up talking about him for a short time. He talked about what a mess he was back at the time NBC brought him in to work there. He said that he was brought in to help sober Imus up back then because he was so into coke. Howard claims that once he started there, Imus stopped using coke and hadn't used it since then as far as he knew.
Howard got back to the Kathie Lee story and read through more of that. He pointed out that in her picture she's got her mouth open like the phony that she is. He said that he'd like to stick something in that mouth though. Howard ended up doing his Satan impression and said that Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford probably made a pact with the devil to get all of this fame.
Howard read through more of the article about Kathie Lee and her kids. Howard said that the new kid's head looks huge and Kathie Lee's private parts must hurt after giving birth. Robin said she's pretty sure she gave birth via c-section. Howard said that she'll probably end up being mother of the year even though his kids will turn out better than her's. He said that he's better adjusted than she is and he'll go to a psychiatrist to prove it. He had to go to break a short time later.
Gary said that he heard a great line when he walked past the other day. He said that he heard Jackie telling someone not to get used to the price he was getting for something he was ordering. Howard said that Stuttering John hears stuff that Jackie talks about so he asked him to come in too.
Howard said that Jackie is always talking business with people in that room. He said that they're always making deals and stuff. Gary told Howard that John was in the bathroom again. He said he must be sick today and he's been in there a few times this morning already.
Howard explained how he puts a towel down on the floor, puts one leg up on the counter and spreads so he can get to the hair down there. He said that they're pretty course hairs too and they've literally been dumped on before. He said that he used to have a mess down there when he had hair down there. Now he's so clean and neat back there. It's a straight shot and nothing lingers back there. He said that he gets aroused during the process too. He said that he finds himself doing it at least once a week.
Howard said there's nothing wrong with doing that stuff even if people think it's kind of gay. He makes sure that he locks both the bathroom door and his bedroom door to make sure the kids don't walk in on him shaving his butt hair.
Tom Chiusano came in and tried to change the subject by bringing up his son. Howard said that he must be out of his mind. He was trying to get Howard off of that stuff. (There was an edited out commercial break at this time.)
Howard said that it's a nightmare working there and he shouldn't have come in today. He went on to ask John more about this bathroom thing and said he can't believe that Tom came in and tried to change the subject. He said that these people who don't work for a living have no idea what it's like to do a show. He said that he really hates this guy Tom. He said he had to call him to ask for this Friday off and he was puking while he was talking to him.
Howard said that someone needs to have a long talk with Tom and tell him to stop with that stuff because he's going to leave if he doesn't knock it off. He went off on Tom goofing on him for a few minutes. He said that if he left the station today, the station would still run the same as it does. He said that it's a complete waste of money to have a General Manager there. Howard said that Tom is the ashtray in a car, you can remove it and it still runs the same.
Howard asked John where he went drinking this weekend. john explained how he was out with his girlfriend and he was doing some stuff with her. He had to meet her grandparents over the weekend so Howard asked him if they were laughing at him. John said that he hopes not. He was all made up nice in a tux and with his hair slicked back. John said that they were trying to get him to cut his hair before the wedding because her family doesn't like that he has long hair. Howard told him it might be time to break up with her if that's the way things are.
John said that he's not allowed in his girlfriend's parents house unless he puts his hair in a pony tail. Howard said he kind of digs the look but he guesses that he'd be kind of upset if he saw someone like John dating his daughter. He said he wouldn't allow his kids to have guys over to the house.
John was talking about how he's going to have a problem if he marries this chick because she's Jewish and he's catholic. He said that he just wants to have the kid baptized and then let her raise it Jewish if she wants. Howard said that this is how brainwashed people are, they want to have their kids baptized thinking that it's going to help them get into this heaven thing when they die. John said that the church puts that fear into you when you're young and you can't get over it.
John said that he's in a little bit of pain after taking that dump earlier. Howard said that's why he won't drink, he doesn't want to deal with stuff like that. John told him that the bathroom definitely stinks back there. He said he's heard that the girl's bathroom stinks sometimes too so it's not just the guys who do that. Robin agreed with that and said she's not sure who does that.
Gary said that there's a guy there that goes about 8 times a day and he's always in there. Howard said he knows who that is, he used to carry an air freshener in a holster. John said that his hair is so long that he has to be careful sitting on the toilet because they can dip down in.
Gary said that John has been out house hunting with Karen. Howard was surprised to hear that and asked how he has so much money. John had a record deal and got some money from that. He also claims that he made some good investments. john said he's planning on putting down 40 percent on a house. Howard said that makes no sense and he should have a bigger mortgage instead. John didn't want to talk about it on the air and said that he'd rather tell him off the air. He doesn't want to have a ton of debt if he does buy a house so he'd rather pay it off up front.
John talked about how his girlfriend refuses to shop at JC Penny and will only go to Macy's. Robin said that she's heard that she will throw stuff back at him if he doesn't give her something expensive enough. Howard told John he was nuts for wanting to get married so young. John said that he's gotten it out of his system already so he's ready to get married. Howard told him he's going to regret it because in 20 years he's going to wonder why he got married and didn't keep banging chicks. He told John that the reason he's going to go to the shrink is because of that kind of stuff.
John said that he wants to have kids too so that's why he'd like to get married. Robin said that John is going to be a father and that's nuts. John said he thinks he'd be a good parent. Howard laughed when he heard that.
Howard said he had to go to break but Gary hadn't given him his show idea for the Garry Shandling show. Gary said that he had this idea for them to try and figure out how to control him on the show but Howard ends up going nuts and ruining the show. Howard said that's kind of what he was thinking but in a different way. Howard said that he'd like to see the part so he can run his lines with the guys. He had to go to break a short time later.
John said he's tried to tape Jackie a couple of times but he always finds it and shuts it off. John, Howard and Robin were all doing impressions of Jackie talking to people about this stuff. Jackie said that he's heard people complain about John tying up the phones talking about stocks during the show. He said that he talks for 5 minutes in the jock lounge while John spends hours and hours on the phone with stockbrokers. Robin said she's heard that as well.
Gary came in and said that the 10-11 o'clock hour has become the John hour back in the office. He said he found out that every morning Grillo parks John's car for him. Grillo used to get paid to park the car but one day he forgot about it and the car ended up getting towed. That cost John $150 so he stopped paying Grillo and started knocking a $1.50 off for each day he parked it. John said he told Grillo that he'd knock the whole amount off if Grillo just washed the car one day.
Howard told John to get out of there, he'd been in there too long. John said he was just getting into it and stuck around to say that Jackie will never laugh at anyone else's jokes. He said that he refuses to laugh at any other jokes. Howard kicked him out of the studio after that.
Howard said that Amy was nice enough to come out and do some pictures with him for his book. He said that they did some nude shots and he was rubbing up against her at one point but didn't get aroused. He said that she's one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen.
Amy was saying that Howard was looking really good there and it looks like he's lost a lot of weight. Howard said that Amy dated Ed Begley Jr. for a while so he's pretty sure he could get her. He said that she was running around in a thong talking about what a great husband he'd make. He said it's very difficult for him when he hears stuff like that.
Howard talked about some of the stuff that he and Amy have talked about and he figures that she'd be with another woman for him if he were her husband. He said that she'd probably rather be in bed with a Fabio type or something but he'd really work hard to make her feel good. He said he told her that she could get any guy she wants but she doesn't want a doctor, she wants a really high profile guy. The phones went a little nuts around that time and Howard had to have the guys call Amy back.
Howard said that Amy was running around during that photo shoot and he was in pain just looking at her. He said he just can't help it. Gary tried to get Amy back on the line but they used the same phone line so they had to do it again. They had her back on but the sound was still off so Howard had to try calling her himself. He complained that Tom won't get him a decent phone system.
Howard eventually got Amy back on the line and was able to hear her. He asked her what she was wearing. She said she was wearing nothing. Howard said that hurts to hear her say that. He said that everything aches when he thinks about her. Howard figures that Amy would fall in love with him. She said that they had fun that day that they hung out so it's possible.
Howard said he was talking to Amy about this doctor thing and telling her that she could get a guy like that. Amy said that she just wanted a regular guy but then he heard that she went out with Richie Sambora from Bon Jovi. She said she just went to the concert, she didn't go out with him. She said she didn't kiss him or anything like that either. Howard said that if she did go out with him, he'd have sex with her like 900 times and then abandon her.
Howard gave Amy some plugs for some appearances she was making. She was asking to play a Dial-A-Date on the show next week but he told her he can't do that, she's his. He let her go a short time later.
Robin got into her news and brought up a story about some of Bruce Lee's stuff being auctioned off. One of the things was a letter that Bruce wrote to himself where he said he'd be world famous and have 10 million bucks within 10 years. That led to Howard goofing on Fred saying that he got a letter from him where he talks about coming from Mars and how he's going to be the most well known Martian out there.
Howard had to take a break in the middle of the news. After the break Robin got back to her news and brought up a story about a Bon Jovi concert where they had some trouble with the crowd after they were overcome by the heat. She also talked about the band Pig Vomit that had just gotten a record deal. They were known for winning a song parody contest 8 years ago on Howard's show.
Robin read through a bunch of other stories. Stuttering john came in at one point and ended up talking about something that happened with his mother. He said that her feet are all f'd up and like hard as rocks. He said that they're all callused and stuff from wearing wooden shoes. She grew up in Denmark and wore wooden shoes. Howard cut john off and had Robin get back to her news a short time later.
Robin did a story about a hot air balloon that went down after hitting some power lines. That got Howard talking about how nuts those people have to be to go up in those things. Robin wrapped up her news a short time later and Howard ended the show around 9:35am (Master Tape Theatre time).
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