Howard started off the show talking about how great the weather was this weekend. Artie agreed and said he got outside for about 45 seconds when he had to get in his car to drive to a gig he had. Howard was out in the Hamptons this weekend. He said it was nice out there because there was nobody there and the weather was nice. Robin said she went to a Mets game over the weekend. Howard asked her if she was gay when he heard that because it's something that Artie would ask since he's a Yankee fan. That led to Howard and Artie talking about how much the Mets suck. Artie explained what he knew about them and how they're not being managed very well. Robin said that going to the Mets game was kind of like Howard going to the Hamptons. There weren't many people there at the game.
Howard had a big show coming up so he talked about Billionaire Mark Cuban, Heather Locklear and Bernie Mac coming in. He also said that over the next couple of weeks they'll have some hot, naked chicks running around the studio. They plan on just going out on the street to get some ''hot, wet bitches.'' Robin suggested they do a show where they try to find the next big starlet like they do on some TV show already. Howard said they'll be getting an update on Jillian Grace who was in not too long ago and got the chance to do a Playboy test shoot. Howard heard that Hef went nuts for her pictures so she'll be talking to them about that.
Artie said he saw the E! animated special last week and it was great but the animations are pretty rough on them. They all take a beating in those cartoons. That led to Howard talking about his ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' cartoon and how he has to hire someone to do the art work for that show. Howard said he's only written 2 full scripts so far and he has to do 11 more. It's a lot of work. Artie did a voice for an animated show that was eventually canceled but he said he made some really good money on that. He was sorry to see that show go. Howard talked about the NBC show ''Father of the Pride'' and how bad that show turned out. Having Siegfried and Roy in a cartoon just doesn't work because you want to see those guys doing their thing. Howard said he'd have Roy being eaten by a different animal every week if it was up to him.
A listener called in and told Howard that the animated special was great. He liked one moment where Robin was taking her swimming lessons and Mr. X was in the background drinking a 40. Howard also liked one scene where his dog was covering her eyes. Robin Radzinski came in and said that the animated special took about 8 months to produce and she thanked all of the animators for doing what they did (including Aurelio Santarelli, Peter Fowkes, Kevin Lofton). Mike Gange also helped produce it. The caller liked the subtle stuff that went on in the cartoons. He told Howard that those animators need jobs because they're very talented. Howard said he's working on that.
Another caller said that if Howard's new cartoon is anything like the E! special, it'll be a hit show. Howard said the two scripts he has done so far should be hilarious. He has a couple of test animations that they've done so far. He told Robin that he'd have to show them to her. The caller told Howard he liked one scene in the E! show where Gary had a tail that reached over and grabbed one of Robin's boobs.
Howard got a bottle of wine from The Tony Danza wine after doing an interview with him last week. He said it's actually Tony Danza wine. Tony was a good guest but Howard said that the first guest he has on is Regis Philbin. Of course Tony will do the same for Regis and do his show. Howard said he gets asked to do those talk shows but he never does them because he has his own show. Howard thought that his best talk show appearance was when he dressed as a woman and danced on his desk. Artie thought that his best was a Joe Franklin interview he did where he tried to kiss the guy.
A listener called in and asked Howard to replay the animated special. Howard asked the guy why he didn't TiVo it. The guy said he just doesn't have one. Howard said those things are great and he got one for a friend of his who thought it was great as well. Bobo called in a short time later and said that he loved that animated special as well. He really liked the Beetlejuice animations. Howard liked that stuff as well.
Another caller said that he loved the Wendy the Retard call from last Friday. Howard didn't even remember what he'd done so Artie and Robin had to remind him how he goofed on her when she called in to tell them about her father dying and how the hurricane down there had knocked over their mailbox.
Mark said he cashed out on the stock he got about 6 months later and it was worth about $1.9 billion. Howard wondered what he did after that. Mark laughed and said he partied a lot. He bought a basketball team and a Jet after that. Now he has a G5 and a 757 that he uses for the basketball team. The plane has 55 seats on it and it's fully customized. He told Howard that he'd fly his old friends around all over the place and they'd end up going to Las Vegas.
Mark told Howard about his wife Tiffany who was in her 20s when they got married. He was 44 at the time. They have a kid now and he's hoping to send her to public schools but there's some controversy about that. He may not be able to send her to public school.
Howard asked Mark about helping him out with the FCC. Mark said he knows Michael Powell and has actually talked to him about this stuff. He said that Powell basically told him that ''the rules are the rules'' and there's not much he can do about it. Howard said that the rules are the rules but no one knows what the rules actually are. They're very vague and no one really knows what the real rules are. Mark seemed to agree with him and said that he's right.
Mark told Howard about hanging out with Donald Trump and how Trump kind of goofed on him about not being one of the ''rich people'' even though he's now probably worth more than Trump is in some way. Howard asked Mark if he'd like to get in on the HowardStern.com thing. Mark said he saw that he's getting into the downloads and stuff and he might be willing to help him out.
Howard asked Mark why Trump's ''The Apprentice'' isn't doing that well this season. Mark said it's tough to keep something like that fresh and that's probably the problem with the show this season. He said the show is decent but it's more of the same thing from last season. Mark has his own show called ''The Benefactor.'' Mark told Howard that the winner of the show wins a million dollars and the people just have to endure some time with him. It's just normal people playing the game. He said that the people have no idea what to expect in the game and that's more like real life. Instead of Trump's ''You're Fired'' catch phrase, Mark has his own which is ''No Balls, No Babies.''
Howard took some phone calls for Mark. One guy asked Mark to please buy their team and save them. Mark said he loves Pittsburgh but he really doesn't want to own more than one team. That led to Mark talking about the Dallas Mavericks and what's gone on with the team over the past couple of years. Another phone caller begged Mark to buy the NY Yankees. Mark said that George Steinbrenner doesn't need his help. Another caller told Mark that owning a 757 isn't all that cool because the planes aren't all that up to date and they're expensive to run. Mark just laughed and said that he's not suffering.
Howard gave Mark a plug for his show which airs this week on ABC. Mark said they like the show so much that they're going to air it on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday against Trump's show. Howard quickly asked Mark who he thinks is going to win the election this year. Mark said that he thinks Nader should win and spent a minute talking to Howard about that. Howard said that Heather Locklear would be in after the break and that got them talking about hot chicks for a short time. Howard asked Mark how many chicks he's had in his bed at once. Mark laughed and said he was going to get in trouble but he had seven women in bed with just him. That was back in the 80s though and it was a long time ago. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and took a commercial break.
Howard invited Heather into his bathroom so he could feel her up off camera but she just wanted him to do his show and feel her up during the break. Heather told Howard and Robin that she could stay home and not work but she just can't do that. She has to get out of the house and work. Howard talked to her about her husband Richie Sambora and how he's still very close to the guys in Bon Jovi. Heather said that those guys are Richie's real family and they still spend a lot of time together.
Howard mentioned that Tommy Lee had Heather's name all over his book. They spent a minute talking about that and Heather said that she thinks she's got more money than Tommy does. She said that Tommy had a lot of money at one point but he must have gone through it. Howard asked Heather about her relationship with Tommy and if she believes that Tommy could have been abusive with Pam Anderson. Heather said that she would step away from that question because she wasn't there to see it. She did say that Tommy was always ''at eleven'' all of the time and he could never chill out. She said he was very ''tiring'' but he never abused her. She kind of alluded to the fact that he ''abused'' her with his big penis. She said he's not the biggest she's had though. Howard figured that Richie has a big one as well. She didn't want to get into that because Richie has a daughter. She eventually said that Richie does have ''girth'' and couldn't believe that actually came out of her mouth. Howard couldn't get off the subject and asked her about Tommy Lee's penis. He wondered if she was shocked when he pulled his pants down for the first time. She claims that she wasn't shocked at all.
Howard told Heather that they have a fan who was willing to do anything to meet Heather. Howard said he had an idea to have the guys throw stuff at this guy while he talks to Heather. Doug Goodstein from E! told Howard that they have Spam, cupcakes and whipped cream pies to throw at him while he's naked. Gary asked the guy if he'd be willing to do that. The guy said he'd be willing to get into a bikini so Howard agreed to let him do that. They got him a bathing suit and sent him off to the bathroom to get changed.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked Heather if she ever banged Charlie Sheen. She said that he never did. Jeff the Drunk called in and asked Heather if Tommy ever forced her into a three way. Heather said she was never forced. She then said she had never done a three way but Howard didn't believe her. He said she had to have been wild back then. Howard figured she must have been with William Shatner and Adrien Zmed.
The guy who came in to meet Heather was ready to have stuff thrown at him. They brought him in dressed in his bikini. They then had him stand there as they threw food at him. Artie was throwing as hard as he could. The guy had welts on his back within a few seconds of being hit. Howard let the guy talk to Heather after getting pelted with the food. Howard actually let the guys keep throwing stuff at him as he was talking. Heather was screaming and couldn't believe that they were letting the guy get hit so much.
This guy who was getting food thrown at him told Howard about how tough he's had it over the past year or so. While he was telling the story, Benjy whipped some more food at him. Gary ended up giving him a watch from Steven Singer Jewelers as a prize. Howard told the guy to run out and get changed again so he could talk to Heather before she left. Gary told Howard that she really had to get going so Howard had to wrap up with her. He went to break a minute later. Heather's new show ''LAX'' starts tonight on NBC at 10pm.
Howard brought up this story about a guy, Colin Ferguson, who shot a bunch of people on a train. There were a bunch of people who were killed an injured. One of the women who lost a husband in the shootings ran for office and just wanted to get a ban on automatic weapons. Howard said that certain types of assault weapons were banned eventually. The woman worked tirelessly to keep that ban but the bill had a time limit on it and it has just run out. Howard said President Bush won't help her out and now the NRA is getting it's way. Howard pointed out that all of the work the woman did is being negated by President Bush and it's a shame. That led to him talking about how insane this guy is and how he should be locked up in a mental institution.
Howard read through some e-mail they've gotten lately. A couple of people liked the Chris Rock interview they did. There were also e-mails about his bulletin board and how it does need some taming like Howard said last week. Some people don't want him to take the board down. Howard said that some people still don't get that he he's not censoring free speech on his board. It's just not the same thing as what the FCC is doing to him because it's a private web site for fans of his show. He explained his thoughts on that whole thing and then read some more mail.
Some people liked the William Shatner and Ben Folds music they played on the show last week. There were some people who wrote in about Benjy's interviews with the people at the Republican National Convention. A bunch of people enjoyed those interviews and told Benjy to keep up the good work.
Howard talked a little more about Heather's boobs and how he got to feel them up during the break. Benjy asked him if he felt any nipple. Howard told him that it was quick and he didn't feel any nipple.
Howard's buddy Wayne Siegel caller told Howard that he started a thread on the bulletin board last night and things went very well. There weren't many people bad mouthing other people and, for the most part, people were being nice. He seems to like that they're policing the board now. Howard had to take another break before bringing in Bernie Mac.
Gary came in and told Howard that he asked everyone that came with Bernie who they were. He met a hair stylist, makeup artist, manager, two publicists and a friend of his. Howard then pointed out that Bernie gets his fingernails polished as well. bernie said he's been doing that for a long time. He didn't seem to think that was ''going Hollywood.''
Bernie was flipping through the channels the other night and ran across Howard's E! show. He said he and six of his buddies ended up watching an episode that had Beetlejuice and Hank the Dwarf and they loved it. He said that Beetlejuice cracks him up whenever he sees him. He thought it was good television and he might even put him on his show.
Howard said that Bernie's show has been on for four years now so if he can keep it on for another year, he can get it syndicated. He's only 18 episodes short of being able to syndicate it. For some reason FOX has been moving his show around so much that he's not even sure when it airs. Howard doesn't understand why they can't just let his show stay in one spot so it can continue to get ratings.
Howard talked to Bernie about this movie of his that's coming out. The movie is called ''Mr. 3000'' and Howard heard that a lot of people turned it down. People like Richard Gere, Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks apparently turned it down. Howard wondered if he's worried about a movie like that because so many people have turned it down. Bernie said the script needed some work and they were able to make it much better after some changes. Bernie also wanted to show Hollywood that he can be a big star in a movie.
Howard talked to Bernie about ''Charlie's Angels 2'' and if he had any problems with Lucy Liu like Bill Murray apparently did. Bernie didn't have any problems with any of them and he doesn't know what went on with Murray. Bernie is still living in Chicago so Howard asked him what he's been doing with all of his money. Bernie said he invests it in real estate and owns a bunch of apartment buildings and stuff.
Bernie said that his movie is tracking well so far and he expects it to do well in theaters. Bernie thinks that Howard is doing well and heard that he's worth $400 million. Howard said if he was worth anywhere close to that much, he wouldn't be sitting there on the radio. Howard took some phone calls for Bernie after that. A few people goofed on him and threw in some racist comments of course. Gay Ramone called in and started talking about how he would like to have Bernie bang him. There was some talk about Bernie not being circumcised. There were a couple of delay hits during that discussion. Bernie was telling Howard that he'd tie a string with rocks on it to his penis but the delay hits kept coming during that discussion.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and asked Bernie why he needs a hair stylist when he has a close cropped afro like he does. Bernie said that's what he tells these people but then said that he might have some family members that need some jobs. Bernie said that Ralph was kind of messing him up because these are family members he's just trying to help out. Bernie said he got a letter from a guy who needed some help at one point. The guy looked like an old man all clumped up in a wheel chair but it turned out the guy was only 47 years old. He said he'd rather just throw money out the window than give money to people like that.
Gary came in and told Howard that Bernie had to get going. He had to do another show. Howard kept the interview going though and asked him about hanging out with George Clooney and Brad Pitt. He wondered if Brad cheats on Jennifer Aniston. Bernie said that he doesn't cheat. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later because Bernie had to go do ''Good Morning America.''
Howard replayed the clip of Robin and the porn chick that he played earlier in the morning. He described it as being Robin's first lesbian experience. after that he had a new voice mail from Eric the Midget. Eric corrected them on something that they got wrong in the news one day. Howard said that he's ponderous. Robin said she really didn't care about what he was saying in that clip though.
Howard had an audio clip of Michael Powell talking about him on FOX news. Howard knew that it was going to upset him when he heard it though. The interviewer asked Powell about the fines they've brought against Howard Stern's show and others. Powell claims that they don't make any value judgements against particular shows and that the government can regulate ''indecent content.'' Howard wants to know what the definition of ''indecent'' is because they haven't defined that. Howard also pointed out that they haven't fined Oprah Winfrey because she's so beloved. The guy is a hypocrite and Howard pointed that out. He suggested that Powell start fining him every day. It's been kind of quiet lately because the election is coming up soon. at least that's what Howard thinks the reason is that they haven't been throwing fines out there.
Powell said that he has listened to Howard and that he is a talented guy but he doesn't have the right to use the public airwaves to say anything he wants to say. Powell says that the fines also have nothing to do with politics and that the democrats on the FCC board have voted unanimously in favor of the fines. Howard still believes that they are harassing him and picking on him. They have been sending a bunch of ''notice of apparent liability'' things to them and no one else is getting them like he is. He wants to know why the FCC won't fine Oprah Winfrey for a conversation she had on her show that was similar to something he was fined for.
Scott DePace came in and told Howard that he's planning to vote for Bush at this point. Howard can't believe that but DePace isn't going to change his mind. Howard noticed that Scott got a new hair cut so the guys goofed on him about that for a short time. DePace was also looking a little heavy so Howard and Artie wanted him to hop on the scale they have in the studio. Scott didn't want to do that for some reason.
A caller asked Howard if he is really willing to give up the safety of this country by voting for Kerry. Howard said that he thinks that Kerry can do a good job and he's willing to give him a try for four years, just like he gave Bush a chance when he was elected. The caller kept asking Howard questions that Howard was able to answer over and over again, but then he'd ask other questions that had nothing to do with what he was talking about. The guy couldn't believe that Howard was blaming Bush for everything that happened on 9/11 and stuff like that. Howard said of course he blames him, he's the guy in charge of the country.
Captain Janks called in and told Howard about how Larry King's wife sang the National Anthem at the start of a football game yesterday. He said that she sang great and she was really hot looking. Janks had a couple of phone calls to play for Howard as well. He called C-Span and terrorized them with 4 calls in a row. One call was him just saying ''Howard Stern... dick head.'' A second call was another guy saying ''Baba Booey, Howard Stern'' and the third call was Janks as a woman saying ''Can you just say hello to Howard Stern.'' The fourth call was a guy saying ''Howard Stern dick head!'' again. Janks said they were't too happy with those calls. Janks said that he got a few people from the HowardStern.com bulletin board to call in with him that night. Howard said that was making good use of the bulletin board. He had to take another commercial break after that.
Howard said he and DePace were in the hall talking about the war in Iraq and whether or not Scott would send his son to war if he was of age. Scott said that it was a hypothetical question and there is no draft needed right now because the war is over. Scott said that the impending draft that Howard is hearing about is an internet rumor. Gary told Scott that this was a legitimate question but Scott kept arguing that there is no draft and the question was nonsense.
Howard also said that they let Robin off easy earlier when she said she knew someone who was going to tell her who would win the election ahead of time. Robin stuck to her story but didn't say who this person is.
A listener called in and told Howard that he was watching Heather Locklear on Regis and Kelly and Heather used the S-word. It got out on the air and Howard wondered if the FCC is going to fine them. He asked his fans to please write in to the FCC and file complaints about it. He knows that nothing will happen though.
Her name was Zenaida Perez and she claimed that she could dance as well as sing. She wanted to hear some Marky Mark or ''Right Said Fred'' music to dance to. Gary told her that she might want to ask for something from the last 20 years. After she danced Howard said that she needs to lose another 15 pounds. She agreed to do that. It turned out she was lying about her age and Howard was able to get her to admit that she was actually 27 and not the early 20s that she was claiming.
Howard heard that she sent her pictures to the Ford modeling agency and they sent them back to her. She told Howard that she sent them back to them again and wants to prove that she's good looking enough to be a model. Howard told Zenaida that he's going to put her picture up on the web site today and let the fans rate her. He told her that she's too heavy to be a model. She seems to think that she can be a model if she can lose a few more pounds.
High Pitch Erik called in and told Howard to have her take her top off. She refused to do it and said she's not confident enough to do something like that. Howard told her that she'd have to do stuff like that when she models. Howard sent her off to get her pictures taken a short time later so Robin could start her news.
Howard asked Robin if they should have the band Jet on the show. He played a couple of songs from their CD to let her know what they do. Artie was having some fun goofing around with the songs that he was playing. Fred was also throwing in some sound effects and goofing on their stuff a little bit. Howard thought they were rockin' pretty good in the songs through.
Richie from E! came in and told Howard that Zenaida was out in the hall crying because someone called up interested in her. Howard had them bring her back in so he could talk to her while she was in tears. She cried a little more but then started telling Howard that she was told she wouldn't be able to get back on the air and then she heard that someone called in and said they might be willing to give her a chance at modeling. That's when she broke down and cried. She said she hates her life up in Haverhill and this is giving her the chance to make it. She was still crying and talking hysterically as she was explaining what was going on. Howard started to sing ''You'll Never Walk Alone'' to her as this was going on. For some reason Zenaida kept telling the guys that she is a ''real'' person. She kept using that line over and over again.
Howard took a call from Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) who was pretending to be a record company exec by the name of Tobey Stevens. He told Zenaida not to sign with anyone else because they wanted her. He goofed on her for a short time before Howard hung up on him.
Robin wondered where Zenaida's boyfriend was. Howard said that he's taking a rest somewhere. Artie said ''He's removing his ears.'' Zenaida thanked Howard for giving her a shot on the air for the first time. They ushered her out of the studio again so Robin could get back to her news. Gary interrupted again and wondered what was up with Jet. Howard said he guesses that they could have them on but didn't seem to care either way. Howard was playing a Bruce Hornsby song, ''Way It Is'' and said it really touched him when he heard it over the weekend. He told Gary that if Jet could perform that song, they could come on. Howard also talked about this guy Steve Earle who did a song called ''F The CC'' but there were too many F-words in the song to play it on the air. He played a few other clips from his CD because he liked one of his songs. He wasn't able to find the song that he'd been listening to earlier so he bailed out on it and had Robin continue with her news. They wrapped up the show around 10:45 this morning.
Howard started off talking about his upcoming guests which included Jillian Grace who got a Playboy test shoot thanks to Howard. They also have porn star Victoria Givens coming in to talk about her gang bang movie. Fat Joe and the Terror Squad will be in as well to perform their hit song ''Lean Back.'' Howard pointed out that their turntables were in the studio. Robin was wondering about a line in their song that goes something like ''my niggas don't dance, they just pull up their pants and do the rockaway.'' She wasn't sure what that meant so Howard said he'd ask them about that.
Howard brought up Avril Lavigne and said he saw her on David Letterman's show the other night. He said she was almost cut off at the end of the show by the credits. He talked about how she's got talent but she looks like she's a real C-word when you see her. She's never dressed real hot though so Howard complained about that. Artie said you just have to wait about 12 years when she'll be on ''The Surreal Life'' with him and Joey Fattone. The guys talked about some of the young stars out there and Howard said he hates when kids that young are so successful. He was listening to the lyrics in Avril's song where she's singing... or complaining about her happy ending and how she can't find one. Howard let her off the hook because she's only 20 and doesn't know that the perfect relationship doesn't exist. He said it's a fairy tale, just like the bible stories.
Artie told Howard loves his iPod because he can turn up the volume without anyone knowing that he's doing it. He has a bunch of older women in the complex he lives in and when they talk to him, he can turn up the volume to drown them out while they're talking to him.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and told Howard that he's interviewed Avril Lavigne a couple of times and any question you ask her can lead to a fight. Even asking her about the weather can lead to a fight. He said she's really angry for some reason and he can't understand it. She's really bitter about something. Chaunce also said that he was on his way in because he did an interview with George Takei and had some tape to play for them. Howard told him to hurry up and get there because there wasn't a minute to waste.
Howard played some more of Avril's song ''My Happy Ending'' and said that he threatens his kids that if they're a pain in the ass he'll start dating Avril. He believes that he could probably get her for a few nights but she's kind of short. He said he's dated women as short as her and it is kind of awkward. He likes that they're so light that you can pick them up and move them around during sex though.
Howard asked Robin if he had read about the big Oprah Winfrey news yesterday. Of course she had seen it so Howard talked about how he had gone out to dinner with his buddy Wayne Siegel. He did have a complaint about Wayne who has been following him around with this letter asking him to check out this letter of recommendation that he's going to be sending to advertisers in other markets. Howard said he just threw it out after looking at it. Howard had seen Robin at this movie preview they went to as well so he complained about her hair being too high. She sat in front of him and he wanted to chop it all off. She told him he should have said something about it if it was a problem. He didn't want to bust her balls about it though. Robin said she'll sit in the back in a corner instead if that's a problem.
Howard said he had this woman Robin with him at the movie and she was the first girl he ever had sex with. Robin told him that she was told to move because she was in a seat that Howard likes to sit in. He liked that. He said she was the one who blew him off when he was a kid. He was really in love with her and she blew him off. He's paying her back by bringing her to all of these events where he shows her what she's missing out on. Howard had to take a commercial break after that.
A caller told Howard that he found the uncensored E! shows on his web site last night and he loved the lesbian sisters episode. The guy said he would give that an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10. He told Howard he called a buddy of his to have a ''J.O.'' party last night when he found it. Howard told him that's kind of gay but the caller said it's not gay, and KC would tell him the same thing. Howard asked the caller if he would be watching the small penis contest episode. The guy said he won't be watching that one because he's into chicks. The caller asked Fred to throw him a few George Takei ''Young Wet Bitches'' audio clip plays before he got off the line.
Howard heard that Tom was on the war path this morning. He apparently freaked out when he found out that they had porn star Victoria Givens booked for the show. He said he was going to cut the crap out of the show because she'd be talking about anal gang bangs. Howard said he wasn't even going to talk about that stuff that much. Tom threatened to chop the show up so Howard asked him not to make threats like that. He told him to just bleep the show if he has to and not to terrorize his staff by making threats like that. Howard said he's out of there when his contract is up and he won't have to deal with Tom anymore. He told Tom that they can find someone else to replace him when his contract is up. He and Artie suggested some of his clones. They could combine them to have an Opie and Bean or even an Imus and Bean to take over where he leaves off.
Tom told Howard that he'll remember him when he leaves. Howard said he will forget about him as soon as he doesn't have to see him anymore. ''Out of sight, out of mind'' is what he told Tom. Howard was asking Tom to be nice to Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) when he's around. They were being kind of cryptic but it sounds like Sal is working there. Tom told Howard that Sal told him that he was tired when he saw him. Tom said that he wasn't tired and he has more than enough energy for him. Sal came in and said that Tom is a dick and the sound of his voice makes his hand go into the shape of a fist. Sal thought that he was polite to Tom when he saw him. Tom held the elevator for him and then Sal picked on him about not having his tie tied. Sal claims that Tom rolled his eyes when he saw him heading toward the elevator. He also said something about him not wanting to be in the elevator with this guinea. Tom reminded him that he's Italian himself but Sal said that he's a douche bag. Tom didn't want to take that and walked out of the studio. This was Sal's first day there and he was probably going to get fired.
Howard told Sal to go out and apologize to Tom for what he'd just done. Artie was laughing and said that you have to treat him with kid gloves. Howard told Robin that Sal has been helping out around the show for the past couple of weeks but he's not a full time member of the staff. Howard was thinking that he might have to take a break and put out that fire.
A caller asked Howard why he has to charge for the clips of the E! show he has on his web site. Howard said they're full shows, not just clips. Howard went on to explain how the money he makes from those clips will go toward his web site. He has to give MovieLink a couple of bucks for each sale and then some of the money goes to Viacom and the rest goes to his web site development.
Howard talked about how there are a lot of talk show hosts trying to become like Oprah because there's so much money to be made. He talked about Jane Pauley and how it's almost like she's talking lessons on how to be Oprah. He and Robin goofed on that for a short time and said that they need to get some audio from the show to play. Howard said that none of these white chicks will ever become like Oprah because they're white. Artie said that he hears a lot about Ellen Degeneres and how much people love her. Howard said he can't explain that one yet. He doesn't get it at all. He'd never be able to sit through an hour of that show. He had to take a break after that discussion.
This 18 year old girl Jillian Grace (JillianGrace.net) recently came in to be evaluated for Playboy. They had a guy from Playboy there and he set her up with a test shoot. She called in today to talk about what's gone on since then. Howard said that she had perfect breasts and they were real. He asked her how her test shoot went. She said she wore an outfit for a short time but it came off pretty quick. She's flying out to L.A. Today and she's going to be shooting a layout that could end up being the centerfold. She said that nothing is final until it's actually on the newsstand though. She'll be staying in the guest house out there all by herself.
Howard heard that Jillian's boyfriend is pissed at Artie about the things he was saying about him. Artie said that Jillian would break up with him as soon as she went to Los Angeles. Jillian said he wasn't pissed at Artie, he was just upset that he was being made fun of on national radio. Jillian told the guys that she told her boyfriend that she'd call him every night out there in Los Angeles but they think she's going to be star struck and she'll forget about him.
Gary asked if they could talk to her boyfriend. She said he's probably sleeping. Jillian said she was told to bring some cute outfits with her because Hef will want to take her out to some clubs. Artie continued to goof on how Jillian will be dating basketball players and rappers out there while her boyfriend sits home.
Jillian said she'll be doing her photo shoot on the first day she's out there. She said she owes a lot to Howard but he corrected her and said that she owes it all to him. Jillian said she's never even been to Los Angeles and her first trip there she's going to the Playboy Mansion. Howard told her that there will be guys there who can get her into movies and stuff.
Issac from E! came in and told Howard that Jillian is doing three days of photo shoots out there this week. On Friday she's doing a non-nude shoot that they will be covering for the E! show. Issac was putting on a voice this morning that Howard made fun of a little bit.
A caller asked Howard where his mother has been lately because we haven't heard from her lately. Howard joked that she died back in 1998 and then got distracted by the guy's speech impediment. The guy had some problems talking so Howard was making fun of that. He had to bail out on the call because he couldn't take it. Another caller told Howard that Jillian is going to be seeing a ton of stars out there in L.A. Howard figures she's going to hook up with a Paris Hilton or someone like that and she'll get drunk and go home with her. She's probably 2 years away from an E! True Hollywood Story. Howard started to do his E! True Hollywood Story impression. Artie did his announcer voice and added ''Coming up... David (her boyfriend) buys a gun...'' Howard and Artie made up more stories as Fred played some dramatic music in the background. Jillian said she hoped that her boyfriend wasn't listening to this stuff. She said it wasn't fair if he couldn't defend himself.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Jillian will meet a lot of people. She said that she won't have to sleep with Hef if she doesn't want to. She said she'll be very protected out there. Howard pointed out that Jessica did end up sleeping with Hef out there eventually. Jessica said that was after she got pretty but it was true. Howard thanked Jessica for calling in with the advice. He and Artie got back to their phony E! True Hollywood Story stuff. Howard told Jillian she could turn back now and not go out there. She said that won't happen. She's still going. Artie threw in another line that went ''James Cameron yells out 'I'm king of the world' as he punches Jillian in the face.''
Howard took some phone calls and one guy pretended to be Tommy Lee. He was offering to take her out on his boat for a special trip. Howard continued on with his E! True Hollywood Story and made up some more stuff about the celebrities she dated while in Los Angeles. He joked that Robert Wagner took her out on a boat and she fell overboard. Then he said something about Robert Blake having dated her on her final night alive. Then it was Jillian being found dead in William Shatner's pool and a few other things.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that his girlfriend was one of the first girls to get implants from his show. She filed for divorce less than a year later. The guy said that he should have never let her do that because it ruined his life. He didn't blame Howard for that though, he blamed himself for letting it happen. Another caller said he hopes that Jillian won't forget about Howard when she becomes a big star. She told Howard she'll be back on his show to promote the magazine if she gets her layout in there. Howard and Artie did a few more lines for their phony E! True Hollywood Story before getting off the line with Jillian.
A phone caller told Howard that he's a god and he was laughing so hard that he had tears rolling down his face while driving his car this morning. Howard went on to play some audio from the Oprah Winfrey Show where she gave the whole audience new cars courtesy of GM. Howard said he would have shut the TV off after hearing three seconds of that show. She had emergency medical technicians there just in case people collapsed when they found out they were all getting a car. Oprah dragged out the show a little too long for Howard. He was complaining about that and talking about how there are so many people out there trying to be like her.
Howard was distracted by the picture of Heather Locklear on his web site so he had to close the window. He started to get back to the Oprah tape but then mentioned a letter he got from Jimmy Kimmel who told him he had to change his phone number because he was getting crank calls. He thought that was kind of funny because he's the producer of ''Crank Yankers'' which is all crank calls.
Howard finished up the Oprah tape and got annoyed with her even more. She was doing an ad for the car while she was giving them away on the show. The audience didn't know that they were all getting cars right away. She gave away 11 of them first and then broke the news to them.
Howard got a note that Victoria's husband was there. He didn't think that was very hot. Victoria stripped down some more and sat there on the couch in her underwear. Howard went on to ask her about this anal gang bang she has coming up. She's looking to do 100 guys because the record is 50 right now. Howard told her she's crazy. Tom started hitting the dump button around this time. The conversation got chopped up a bit because they were talking about the anal stuff.
Howard's fans are welcome to be part of this gang bang. Howard said that there has to be something psychologically wrong with her for doing stuff like this. He wondered what's behind this stuff. She's got a husband and he can't figure out why she'd want to do this stuff. Victoria said she wants to show the industry that this kind of thing can be done safely. There was some more discussion about the anal thing but the delay hits kept coming. She was talking about what she eats before anal sex scenes and stuff that just wasn't going over well with Tom. Victoria also told Howard that she needs a lot of men to keep her satisfied sexually so that's why she does this kind of stuff. She'll be doing her first interracial sex stuff during this gang bang. Robin told her that she'd stick with Asian guys if she had to do something like that because they should be smaller down there than black guys.
Gary came in and said that Sal was talking to Victoria's husband and found out that she has kids. She said that she doesn't tell her kids about the anal stuff but they do know that she does work in the adult industry. Howard likes the way Victoria looks and that she looks like a chick he did one time. She told him that he could have her any time he wants. Her husband apparently wouldn't mind if that happened.
Howard thinks that Victoria is going to be in trouble after 5 or 6 hours of anal. Gary heard that she's been in training for this for quite some time and she does anal with anyone she can find to help her out. You can get in on this whole thing by visiting her web site VictoriaGivens.com and click on ''World Record'' to find out how to be one of the gang bang dudes. The gang bang takes place on October 23rd.
Gary told Howard that Victoria's husband was telling them that there are other porn star mothers who bring their kids to the same school that their daughter goes to. Howard said that must be called ''Heaven'' or ''MILF lane.'' Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard said that this week's ''kook'' award goes to Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com). He called in earlier in the morning saying that he had some great tape of his interview with George Takei. Then he showed up with awful quality tape of this ''great'' interview of his. Howard told him to get a good tape recorder. There was a hum on the tape that was unbearable. Howard played a little bit of the interview but the hum was horrible. Howard pointed out that Chaunce sounded kind of gay while he was asking Takei about his dog that passed away last Thanksgiving. Howard loves listening to George Takei but the quality was so bad he couldn't make it through it. Howard said there was less buzz in Robin's vibrator.
Howard told Chaunce that he doesn't need a lot of money to get good quality equipment. Chaunce asked for some help with this stuff so the guys told him they'd have Scott the Engineer help him out. Gary knew that the quality was going to suck when he got the call from Chaunce last night. While he was standing there, Howard noticed that Gary was wearing a K-Rock t-shirt that looked just horrible. He hated the design of the t-shirt and complained about the person, or persons who designed it.
Chaunce wanted to talk to Howard about something but Howard wanted him to just leave. Chaunce had to get it out though and told Howard about a hacker who has been banning people from the HowardStern.com bulletin board. He wanted to contact someone about it but there is no customer support for the board or anything like that. Howard said that he would look into it and try to find out what's going on but there is no customer support because there's nothing to support there. He ended the quick interview and took a break before bringing in Fat Joe and the Terror Squad.
Howard wondered if Fat Joe ever hits on Remi. She said he never does but Howard found that hard to believe. Joe said that he protects her like a sister. Howard talked to Joe about his song and how they use the term nigga even though he's Puerto Rican. Joe was also wearing a lot of jewelry so he wondered if he's investing the money or spending it all on jewelry. Joe said he's got money and he's not spending it all. Remy said that she doesn't have all that much money. She was talking about getting a check the other day for $250,000 while Joe got one for like $750,000.
Howard asked Joe and Remy about smoking weed. Joe said he doesn't smoke that stuff but Remy and L.V. do. Remy said she smokes about a half ounce a day and she knows that she's a pot head. Joe said he can't smoke that stuff because the one time he did, he ran out of the house naked because he got so paranoid. Howard told Remy that he'd get her all drugged up if he had the chance to date her. He asked her when the last time was that she had sex. She said it was the day before yesterday and it was with a Puerto Rican guy. She didn't have an orgasm and said she's never had one. Howard said that's kind of sad and that he'd end up using a vibrator on her. She said she's never tried that before. Howard said something must have happened to her when she was a child that messed her up. He thinks that she needs a ''gentle man'' to take care of her. Remy said she has faked them with guys before. Artie asked her to demonstrate a fake one for them but she didn't want to do that.
Howard asked Joe when he wrote this hit song of theirs. He said he just did it a few months ago. Robin told him that her favorite line in the song is ''my niggas don't dance, they just pull up their pants and do the rockaway.'' The guys don't have any idea what that means but they like the line.
Howard asked Fat Joe and Remy to go ahead and perform their hit song ''Lean Back'' for them. Fat Joe told Howard that they pressure themselves to come up with new hit songs. He said he's been working on new stuff lately. Artie suggested to him that he come up with one called ''Lean Forward'' but Fat Joe said you can't duplicate yourself. Only Weird Al Yankovic gets away with that. Howard took a few phone calls before Joe performed. One guy told Howard that Joe's song isn't all that good. Howard told the guy to stop with that and then had Joe and Remy perform ''Lean Back.''
After the song Howard said he saw Remy looking at him the whole time she was singing. He told her to stick with him and he'd get her a show on the WB. Howard gave the guys a plug for their album ''True Story'' which is out now. He wrapped up the interview a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard wondered if Tom hit the button himself or if he supervised Dead Air Dave. Tom said that Dave was the one hitting the button and he was supervising him. Howard doesn't bother arguing anymore because he doesn't have Mel to complain to anymore. Tom said he could go to Mel's replacement if he needed to. Howard doesn't know him as well though and he doesn't have time to make new friends.
Howard got back to Remy Martin and said he was really digging her. He knows that she's not everyone's cup of tea but he was digging her. He said that she's be known as an ''exotic'' if she was in a porn movie. Artie thought they sounded pretty good for rappers performing live. He said that's pretty tough to do well.
Howard took a call from a guy who used the F-word when he was talking about what he'd like to do to Robin. They had to hit the delay of course. Another caller didn't know what to say to Howard when he put her on the air. All she could say was that she loves Howard and Robin. Then she told Howard not to hang up on her and used the F-word so they had to hit the dump button on her. He had to hang up on her of course.
Robin started her news and told Howard about how Heather Locklear accidentally called her husband ''John'' on Regis and Kelly yesterday and that's why she ended up saying the S-word on live TV. Howard said that's the worst thing that a woman can do. Especially when her husband is Richie Sambora and he's in Bon Jovi with John Bon Jovi. He asked the guys to bring in the audio clip of Locklear cursing but it was no where to be found. Gary came in later with the tape and said that Robin was wrong about the name that Heather started to say. She actually started to say ''Tommy'' when she was talking about her bedroom and what they have in there. Howard played the audio clip and heard Heather almost say ''Tommy'' which was pretty painful to hear. He felt bad for Richie after hearing that.
Howard announced that if anyone out there wants to be part of the World's Largest Hemorrhoid contest, they have to show up to the station before 7am on Friday, September 24th. The winner of the contest gets $10,000. They wrapped up the show around 10:30 this morning.
Howard welcomed everyone to the show saying that you can trust no one in this world. He knows that most people are bad and they're scheming and conniving all of the time. He has learned this in his 50 years on Earth. He mentioned Anne Frank and how she knew the reality of the world. Howard said the only good in his life is his listening audience. He said we've stuck with him through a lot, most of the time, as long as he's good on radio. He has learned not to trust anyone though because the world is bad news. People don't care and when it seems like people care about you, they really don't. He said he hates to be so glum first thing in the morning because he knows his mother is always trying to be positive in her life. She never gets out of the house though so she doesn't know what's going on out there.
E! has hired Star Jones to be their red carpet interviewer replacing Joan Rivers. Howard said he loved Joan and Melissa on there because it was always a train wreck of a show. He said that Joan is a funny lady and she was on the air for a long time. Artie added that Melissa had absolutely nothing to add on those shows though. TV Guide TV now has Joan and Melissa. Howard got a clip of Melissa saying goodbye on E! and was going to play it but got sidetracked for a minute.
Howard and Artie went to dinner last night and Howard said that Artie is a gentleman and knows how to conduct business. He's very loyal to the show and he's a pleasure to work with according to Howard. He's just as loyal to the show as Robin and Fred. Howard said he's happy that he made the right decision in hiring him to work on the show. Robin should feel comfortable with having him work on the show because she's the biggest skeptic of people who work with them. Robin has seen what happens to some people on the show and she should know. Howard told Robin that he doesn't care that Artie is a drunk.
Howard and Artie went to a place where they served big portions because Howard knew that Artie was going to want to eat. Artie had some good garlic mashed potatoes and Tuna Tar Tar. Howard was surprised to see him eating that and it was obvious that he had branched as far as food goes. Howard said he felt bad because they wouldn't let Artie up to his apartment when he came over to pick him up. Artie didn't seem to mind though. Howard was glad to see that they manage to keep out the riff-raff.
Howard got back to the Melissa Rivers crying tape. She was talking about how much she went through there at E! and eventually broke down and cried as she was talking about everyone she worked with. Howard said he wishes he could get that worked up over the place he works at. He said he doesn't think he has much longer there. He and Artie had apparently talked about that last night. He said he doesn't think he'll be showing this kind of emotion when he leaves his company.
Howard wondered how long he had been working at his radio station, WXRK. Artie remembered that they were there in November of 1985. Howard tried to figure out how long he had been in the business. He had a few jobs before this one so he went back to his first real job in radio which was in 1976 or 1977. He actually started in 1977 on New Year's Day so he has been working in radio for more than half of his life.
Howard and the guys talked about TV Guide and how no one really needs it. Howard said he hates the magazine but he has to get it just like everyone else out there. He has a schedule on his TiVo and on his satellite system but he still subscribes to the little magazine. ARtie said he gets it for the ''Cheers and Jeers'' section.
A caller told Howard that he is 100 percent right about what he was saying about people being scumbags earlier in the morning. Howard said that you really can't trust anyone. He mentioned that he was involved in a really sleezy business deal and that's what gave him this bad taste in his mouth. The caller said that he was calling in and hoping that Howard would give him a prize. Howard said that he appreciates that but there's no way he's giving him a prize because he's so pissed off.
Howard mentioned that they will be talking to Shaggy from Insane Clown Posse later in the morning. They also have Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen coming in to talk about The Surreal Life program they're on. Howard has been watching the show and it's really good. Gary came in and said that this season really is good this season. Howard also said that they have Kitana Baker coming in today and she's a smokin' piece of ass. He's trying to get a ton of hot chicks on the show and the guy she's with only makes like $20,000 a year. He asked people to go on his bulletin board and write down some questions he can ask her. Howard also quickly mentioned that there's some voter registration stuff on his web site right now that you can check out. He's hoping that everyone who uses that stuff will be a Kerry supporter. He took a break after that.
Howard changed subjects and brought up Paris Hilton who was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He found that she has absolutely nothing to say in any interview. Then he brought up how Jay was doing the interview in a shirt with his sleeves rolled up and no jacket on. It's apparently some kind of experiment they're doing on his show trying to ''keep it real'' over there. He said that Jay might be cool if he actually told his audience that he was doing it as an experiment to see if the ratings go up. He doesn't say a word though. He just sits there in his white shirt and tie. Howard thinks that Jay is a ''bizarro freak'' who is way too into cars and stuff. He saw an article recently about how he just bought 6 really rare cars. He is a real piece of work according to Howard. He said that he's also got a jet propelled motorcycle because a regular motorcycle just isn't good enough.
Howard had to take another break but he brought up Kitana Baker again and talked about how he's got pictures of her on his web site. He also reminded people to register to vote on his web site. They also have the uncensored E! shows over there on his web site. There are four new shows available there for download. They have ''It's Just Wrong: Siblings'' an episode of Savanna Samson getting naked. There's also a ''Stripper Lesbian Duo'' episode and the PETA girl episode where a couple of PETA chicks got naked to save the animals.
Howard was afraid that Shaggy could hurt his neck even more if he goes back on the road. Shaggy said he should be fine in a few months after everything heals. He also told Howard that he'll come out for a visit when they're in the area. Howard thanked him for calling in and gave him a plug for their new album Hell's Pit.
Later this week Howard said they have Nikki Ziering coming in. They also have the World's Largest Hemmerhoid contest coming up next week and they're still looking for entrants. He's not sure if no one will show up or if 500 people will show up. There's a $10,000 grnad prize for the winner. There's also an amputee beauty contest coming soon and they're looking for amputees to be part of that.
Howard found out that Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen were there and the craziness had already started. Gary came in and told Howard how crazy it was already and they hadn't even gotten on the air yet. He said that Flavor Flav is still wearing the clock around his neck and it's about the size of a clock you'd hang on the wall. Flav is kind of short and when he went to hug the very tall Brigitte, it looked like a scene from ''Sixteen Candles'' where the Asian guy was making out with the really tall chick. Gary told Howard that he should let Flavor Flav get out what he watns to say first thing because he'll eventually calm down.
Some of the other people on ''The Surreal Life'' include Charro, Ryan Starr, Dave Coulier and others. Howard said he was surprised to see Dave Coulier on the show because the ''Full House'' money has to be enough to live on for him. Howard went on to talk to Brigitte about the amount of money she got from Sylvester Stallone. Howard thought she got about $6 million from him but she says that it was a lot less than that. She took the job on ''The Surreal Life'' for the experience of meeting more people that she didn't know. Howard told her that she is the star of the show this year. She takes off her clothing and she's really not in the best shape of her life. She looks good, but she's not in the best shape. She's 41 years old and has four kids so she thinks she looks pretty good for someone like that. Brigitte said that she's proud of her body and doesn't mind showing it.
In the first episode Howard said that Brigitte was drunk and passed out. She said that she just likes to sleep and it had nothing to do with the drinking. Howard noticed that she took an interest in Flavor Flav when she was in the house so Howard asked her about that. He thought that the two of them had sex in the house on ''The Surreal Life'' but they both said that was not true. Flavor said that they were just chillin' together. Howard asked them if they got to third base if they didn't have sex. Howard pointed out that it was on the TV show though. Brigitte said that she put a stop to it before it went that far. Her boyfriend was sitting out in the green room so this may have had something to do with them keeping it quiet. Howard heard that Flavor and Brigitte spent a weekend in a hotel room together as well. Brigitte said that he did not penetrate her and he was a gentleman to her.
Howard asked Brigitte about how she was able to get Sylvester Stallone. She told Howard that it wasn't true that he kept sending him pictures like he thought. She explained how she was in town when he was shooting a movie and she knew that she wanted to get to know him. She did type him a letter and sent a picture along with the letter. He came right over after getting the letter. They did not have sex the first night though. She had just finished the movie ''Red Sonja'' so she had red hair at the time. She claims that she waited a month and a half before having sex with him. Flavor was asking her when they could have sex after that. Brigitte told Howard that she has a gag order on her about some of that stuff so Howard would have to ask him about the stuff he was asking about.
Howard wondered who drove who crazy in that marriage. It only lasted 19 months from what Howard read. Flavor Flav said he had never seen any of Brigitte's movies so he had no idea who she was when he met her. Howard said he saw Flavor feel up Brigitte on their show. They both confirmed that was true. They never had sex though.
Howard pointed out that Brigitte has a bit of a belly so she told him that she's pregnant. Howard couldn't believe that because she's got a bunch of kids already. Howard went on to read some of the notes he had on Brigitte. There were some notes about her abandoning her first child to pursue her acting career. She said that was not quite true but she did go in for a part shortly after having her first child. She lived with Mark Gastineau for a while. Howard asked her about that and found out that they had a son together but Mark doesn't see the kid much.
Howard asked to see Brigitte's bra and panties so she gave them a flash. Brigitte then asked Howard to ask her an interesting question because, so far, he wasn't doing a good job. Howard thought he was doing just fine though. She asked him if he was ready for her. Howard told her that he'd toss her salad and he was ready for her. He then asked her about her boyfriend. They spent a minute on him before getting back to Flavor Flav.
Howard asked Flavor Flav if he's off of drugs and clean right now. Flav said he is clean so they spent a minute on that. Howard wondered how many times he ended up in jail because of drugs. He said that never happened, he went to jail for being stupid. Flavor said that Howard brought up how Brigitte had slapped him during ''The Surreal Life'' but he slapped her right back. The two of them were talking all over each other at this point. Howard wondered if Brigitte gave oral to Flavor. When he asked that, Flavor had a smile on his face so Howard figured she had done that. They both denied it and Flavor said that he was smiling because he was on the air with Howard Stern.
Howard took a call from Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) who was pretending to be Mark Gastineau. He told Brigitte that she was a ''nig*er loving whore'' and also called Flavor Flav ''Nigga Flav'' before Howard hung up on him. Zolar called in and said he used to smoke weed with Flavor back in the day. Flavor said he hasn't smoked weed since the days when Star Wars was out.
Howard heard that Flavor was double booked on Jimmy Kimmel's show and The Late Late Show so Howard wondered how he was going to make that work. Flavor said that he can do it and he'll figure out a way to make it happen. Dominic Barbara called in and said that Flavor hasn't been paying his bills lately and he's now the lawyer for his baby's mother. He told Flavor that he's going to put Flavor in a new house in Nassau County soon. He was talking about jail of course.
Brigitte said she wanted her boyfriend in the studio because she didn't like the call they got earlier that was insulting to her. She wanted him to come in to comfort her. Howard asked her to let them feel her boobs first. She did let Flavor feel them up for a few seconds but Howard was a different story. She wanted her boyfriend in and Howard wasn't going to let him in until he could feel her up. She wouldn't let him do that so Howard kept her boyfriend out.
Chaunce Hayden called in and asked Brigitte if she turned down a million bucks to spend a night with an Arab prince. She said that was not true. She would have done it if that was the case. Chaunce then asked her if she had cancer at one point in her life. She had uterine cancer when she was 26 years old. She had surgery and had it removed. Chaunce had one other question about her being booked on a flight one time and it crashed. She had canceled the flight because she had other things going on so that saved her life.
High Pitch Erik called in and asked Flavor Flav if he wanted to go out for some fried chicken and watermelon with him. Howard hung up on him, took a call from a fan of Flav's and then started to wrap up the interview. Flavor went a little nuts when he started to ask about letting him shoot some of his documentary in his studio. Brigitte started to sing a song over him and didn't let him talk to Howard. The two of them were talking over each other again so Howard tried to cut them off and brought in Brigitte's boyfriend. He spoke to him a little bit but he didn't have a lot to say. He asked Brigitte if she wanted to marry him. She said yes to him and asked him if he was serious. Brigitte got up and went over to her boyfriend and asked when they were going to marry. He told them it would be the first of July, 2006.
We found out that Brigitte had slept with Arnold Schwarzenegger when all of this was going on. Brigitte said that she's very happy with her boyfriend and the two of them kissed as Howard tried to end the interview again. Flavor told Howard he's got a solo album coming soon. Howard told him to come back when it comes out so they can talk about that.
During the break Howard was saying goodbye to Brigitte and Flavor Flav. Brigitte told Howard to never call her fat again and then ripped off his shirt and pulled him around by his fat belly. She was yelling about how he was fat and showing everyone his belly. She overpowered him and also grabbed his package. Ronnie the Limo Driver stepped in and stopped her from what she was doing. Robin thinks that she could have overpowered him if she really wanted to. She took a swig of Artie's little bottle of Jack Daniels before leaving. That was Artie's ''emergency'' bottle of Jack that she took and finished.
Howard brought up a bunch of things on his web site HowardStern.com that are important to him. The voter registration thing is on the first page. Then there are pictures of Kitana Baker on the site and you need to see them because she's dating a ''regular guy'' who only makes like twenty grand a year. He said it'll be interesting to find out how this guy got her because it makes Howard mental. There are some new uncensored E! shows there as well. The ''It's Just Wrong: Siblings'' episode is there as well as the Savanna Samson and PETA girl episodes that he mentioned earlier. There are a total of 8 episodes available so far.
Howard played some more clips of the Madonna tribute band Mandonna. Howard said the lead singer of the band has long hair and a beard.
Howard whipped through the Top 5 songs in the country. He started off with Ashley Simpson. The guys talked about how Ashley isn't as hot as her sister Jessica. Robin said that she's kind of cute but not as ''hot'' as her sister. Howard played the number 4 song which was by Nelly. He threw in Ali G's ''Throw the Jew Down the Well'' as a goof after that. The next song on the list was by Lil Flip. Fat Joe and Terror Squad was number 2 and the number one song was Siara. That song was kind of lame according to Howard and Artie.
Kitana said she's appearing in a movie that's opening in L.A. and New York soon called ''Incident at Loch Ness.'' She's hoping that this will start her career in movies. Howard asked her if her cans were real. She said of course they're not real. Kitana said she met this guy when she was 21 years old and he was 27. She said he's got a large penis and he's good with his tongue. Howard thinks that he's bad at giving oral to his girlfriend because she always tells him he doesn't have to do it to her even when he wants to. Kitana said that's probably the case because she had a guy who used to be bad at it and she'd tell him to skip it all the time.
John said that Kitana was the one who came on to him and she was giving him ''the look'' at this club. Artie found that hard to believe and wondered why she was attracted to him. She said it was his confidence. Howard said the guy was only making $12,000 a year when they met and he's just ''one of us'' who shouldn't have gotten someone so hot. Howard wondered who is more in love with the other. John said that the love comes and goes so it's probably about even.
John said it took him about a month to get into Kitana's pants. She was seeing someone at the time and they were just flirty for a while. Howard told John that he should write a book about this because it's almost like if Pamela Anderson dated the Elephant Man. John said when you meet a hot girl like that you have to just let them do their thing. Kitana said that is part of the secret and he does let her do what she needs to do. Howard asked him if he gets worried and gives her a call to make sure she's not cheating on him or something. He said he's more upset that he's just not there partying with her. He's just enjoying what he has while he has it. Howard told John that when Beth goes away, he pictures her being around all kinds of great guys and he thinks that he's worthless. He gets very insecure but never calls her. He then goes to Scores to feel more like a man. John said he's secure enough that he doesn't have to do that. Kitana said if he was clingy, that would be the end of the relationship.
Howard asked John what it was like the first time they were together. John said it was really quick but Kitana was fine with it. He said he can now last about 10 seconds with her because she's so hot. Howard told Kitana that he could probably last a while with her after being with her a bunch of times. Howard wondered what she sounds like in bed. Kitana said she does make some noise but John said she's not all that loud. She is great at oral according to him. John said she knows how to do it and he's afraid to ask her where she learned it. Kitana said you have to ask your partner what feels good and you have to use your hands and a lot of liquid. There was a delay hit around this point.
Gary came in and said that Kitana was on Playboy TV and appeared naked on there. Howard wondered if she had done any other women. She says that she never has and she only got naked on Playboy TV. Howard gave Kitana another plug for her movie ''Incident at Loch Ness'' which opens on Friday in New York and L.A. Artie said that he would go to a speech at the Learning Annex if John was giving them. He'd like to learn how to pick up chicks like this.
Kitana told Howard that she's got a landing strip shaved into her area. He whispered to her that he was going to have John killed so he could be with her. He was just joking around and congratulated John on getting this chick. He then found out that Kitana lost her virginity at 15. She had a long term relationship from the age of 16 to 21 and eventually met John. She hasn't been with a lot of guys. Howard wrapped up the interview after that.
Howard said Eric complained that they were calling him a midget when he's really a ''little person'' and that's what he wants to be known as. Howard hadn't played that voice mail yet. He was doing an impression of Eric as if he were an evil villain. Eric asked them not to make fun of his voice anymore but Fred was playing audio clips from ''Mars Attacks'' where the martians are Gak, Gak-ing. Eric couldn't take it anymore and hung up on Howard. He hates that they goof on his voice like that. Howard played tape of the voice mail that Eric left about how he hates being called a midget. Howard said he leaves about 20 messages a day like that and he must love the attention.
Howard got a call from Sean the White Rapper who asked why he was banned from the bulletin board. Howard doesn't know exactly why he was banned but it must be because he's a nudnick. He told Howard he should have been warned but there are no warnings. If they don't like what you're posting, they'll ban you over there now. Howard said that Sean was one of the most relentless guys on the board over there and it's a much less hostile environment these days. People who didn't like the hostility will find that it's a much better board now. Howard said ''It's for fans of the show...'' and Sean doesn't know what he is over there. He said Sean had a bunch of names on the board and he would even argue with himself on there. That led to him talking about how he goes on bulletin boards all the time where they ban people who aren't really fans of the subject they're writing about. That's what he's doing with his site now.
High Pitch Erik called in and told Howard he had to go to the doctor yesterday and found out that he has gout. He has to put some crap on his foot and watch the food he eats. His foot was all swollen and red yesterday so that's why he had to go get it checked out. He has to avoid potatoes, mushrooms and asparagus among other things. Howard told him it might have something to do with the fact that he sits around all day on his computer. Howard let Erik go after a couple of minutes.
Zolar called in and said that the bulletin board was actually enjoyable yesterday since he didn't get 2 pages of ''You're a fag'' comments on there. He thanked Howard for hooking him up with the orange Zolar name on there and got off the line a few seconds later. Howard got in a few plugs for some stuff that was coming up on the show soon and for his uncensored E! shows that are available through HowardStern.com now. Robin started her news a short time later.
Sean the White Rapper called back in and went nuts on Howard and Robin because of the bulletin board thing. He says that he doesn't cause any problems on the board like he thinks he does. Howard told him he's off the board either way. Sean let out a grunt and then vanished. Another caller told Howard how annoying the board was before they started banning people like Sean from the board. It's a much nicer place to visit now that they've started to crack down on that kind of stuff.
Howard's mother Ray was on the phone a short time later. She was having trouble hearing him on their phone system. She got on a different phone and was able to hear a little better. Howard then told his mother that the Nazi's had just invaded and she has to make a decision about saving one of her two kids. One had to go to the gas chamber. If she couldn't make the decision, they'd both be sent to the gas chamber. Mrs. Stern said ''How dare you call and ask me that question...'' She didn't want to be any part of that and it was a very depressing thing to do. Howard asked her to just play along with it. Howard told Robin that he thinks if his sister had to save one of their parents, Ellen would pick her father. Howard would pick his mother. He told his mom that he loves her more than her father and he thinks Ellen loves their father more.
Howard told his mother about a story that Robin had read that led to this discussion. A Chechen mother was forced to make a decision like that and chose to save her son. The daughter ended up living so she has to live with that choice now. Howard's mother didn't want to think about this stuff anymore and told Howard that she's very upset with him for asking her such a question. She got off the phone a short time later.
At one point in the conversation Ray told Howard to ''Put that in your pipe and smoke it.'' He didn't get the reference and wondered what she wanted him to put in his pipe to smoke. Her words? She has said that in the past so Fred played and audio clip of her saying it in another phone call. Howard had Robin get back to her news for a short time.
Captain Janks called in and asked Howard who he would pick to die, Beetlejuice or Wendy the Retard. Howard said he'd pick Wendy to go. Here are some of the other choices Janks gave Howard and who he would pick to go if he had to:
While Robin was finishing up her news Howard asked Gary to get Fred's mother Val on the line so he could ask her the Sophie's Choice question about Fred and his brother. She was on the line a little while later. Howard then asked her a similar question to what he had asked his mother. If she had to choose one of her sons to save from the gas chamber, which one would it be. She said that she would give up her life to save them but Howard said that wasn't one of the choices. Mrs. Norris refused to make a choice between the two so Howard told her that they'd both go to the gas chamber. Howard told her that they were both shot in the head because she couldn't make that choice. She told him it was terrible and started to cry. He really upset her with that. Howard said it was just a hypothetical question and it was just made up. Fred told his mother that the right answer would be him. He's four years younger and has a baby.
Howard told Fred's mother that she failed the test but it was just a make believe question. Howard got off the line and said that Fred's mother was from Latvia so she might have been in charge of the ovens if he was sent to be killed. Howard said they'll have to call Robin and Artie's mothers on tomorrow's show since it was getting kind of late (10:35 by this point).
Debbie Schlussel called in and said that there is some controversy over the Oprah Winfrey car give away. Workers at the plant where the vehicles were produced lost a week of vacation because of it. Howard said that's not Oprah's fault though. It was GM that gave away the cars on her show so it was their choice to take that week of vacation away from the workers. Artie thought that was kind of a lame scandal. Howard wrapped up the show right after that. It was about 10:40 for those of you keeping track.
Howard took some phone calls from people and they all wanted to know if he's gay or something. It sounds that way when he talks about how dirty a woman's private parts are but he swears he's not.
Big Black called in with tape of Gary talking dirty to women from his web site. Gary said that was scripted so it's not really how he talks to women. Howard thought it sounded pretty good though.
You can find out why Gary and UGO.com are on a mission against Razor Scooters by visiting UGO.com
Howard said he's gotten jealous of the Osbournes lately because they've gotten so popular and have been going on every other show. Howard said he used to be one of the few shows they ever did and now they're on everything. Sharon told Howard that she remembers who was there early on and doesn't forget about that.
Howard was talking to the family about Ozzy going on Jay Leno when the kids told Howard that Sharon used to date Jay. Howard sounded very surprised to hear that. She said it was way before Ozzy when she dated Jay and he's happily married now so she doesn't talk about it much. She said nothing but nice things about Jay while they were talking about it. Howard had asked her if Jay's big chin got in her way when she tried to kiss him. Sharon claims that she never had sex with Jay and never even kissed him. Howard found it hard to believe that she never did anything with him. She said he was very nice to her the whole time she knew him.
Howard got back to talking about how the family is going on all of these other shows. He seems most upset about the Rosie O'Donnell thing because he thinks she's just jumping on the bandwagon. Sharon said she's been over to Rosie's house for a meal. Howard asked what that was like but Sharon didn't want to talk about it. Jack joked that it was a ''giant lesbian orgy'' over there. Sharon didn't think that was a funny comment but the guys in the studio did. Howard and Artie continued to joke about Rosie even though Sharon and Kelly said that she's really a nice person.
Howard asked the Osbournes about the second season that they'll start shooting in June. Howard heard that they'd be over in England shooting the next season but Jack and Kelly say they wouldn't do it there because of the way they'd be treated. Sharon told Howard that they will be over in England for part of the time they're shooting the next season. The kids said they didn't know that. Jack said the only reason he's taking part in this is the money. He said he's got no other reason to let cameras follow him around. He said he didn't want to be famous this way, he just wanted to do his own thing. Now he'll be able to do whatever he wants with the money he'll be making from the next season. Sharon said their older daughter Aimee won't be taking part in this next season either. She said that Aimee just wants to keep her anonymity and do her own thing.
Howard spent some time talking to Kelly about her recording of ''Papa Don't Preach'' and how that happened. Jack told Howard that their other sister, Aimee, was going to do the song but she backed out of it. Jack said he knew that Kelly could sing so they got her to do it. Kelly said she never thought she'd make a career out of singing but she didn't realize how fun it was to do.
Howard also asked the girls about the episode where Sharon chases Kelly around after sticking her finger in her private parts. Kelly had licked her finger and wiped it under her mother's nose which made her sick. Sharon said she got angry and stuck her finger down below and chased after Kelly for a short time. Kelly said she never caught her.
Howard read that Jack was dancing with Drew Barrymore at some club recently. Jack said he was there and got a tap on the shoulder. He said someone whispered in his ear that she was a big fan of his so he turned around and saw that it was Drew. He didn't get her number which surprised Howard. He told Jack he hopes he gets some of that action some day.
Howard said the main reason for the family coming in this morning was to promote the Ozzfest which starts July 6th. You can find out more about the line up at Ozzfest.com.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and one of them was Chaunce Hayden from Steppin' Out Magazine who asked Kelly what she thinks of Willa Ford. Kelly went off on her saying that she's really obnoxious. She told a story about meeting her down in Cancun during spring break. She rattled off the story very quickly so it didn't make a whole lot of sense but it sounded interesting. (reader Marc Krones wrapped the story up nicely... Kelly said she was in Cancun for Spring Break, and Willa Ford was also there. Kelly said some people went up to her and asked to pose with her for some pictures, which she graciously obliged. Then Willa Ford, who I guess was jealous of the attention Kelly was receiving said to her something like, ''when I go out, I wear sunglasses and a hat so people won't recognize me. Maybe you should try that.'' And then later Willa did take off her sunglasses and hat, and no one recognized her. Someone asked Kelly if that was Tara Reid, and when she said it was Willa Ford, the guy had no idea who Willa Ford was.)
Howard spoke to Jack about how he gets to have girls sleep over in his room sometimes. His mother said she's fine with that and as long as he respects the women, he can keep doing it. Sharon said she won't let guys sleep over with Kelly though. She said she wants to get to know the guys before she'll allow that to happen. Sharon said that Jack has a bag full of condoms in his room for those occasions when girls do sleep over.
The kids said that there's no rush for them to leave the house and they're not even going to bother going to college. Jack said his friends have told him it's a waste of time to go to college.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Sharon about Jay Leno and then ended the interview with Kelly's version of ''Papa Don't Preach'' after Sharon requested it. Howard talked it up like a lame DJ would. He then let the song play and ended the interview.
Howard let the guys perform their odd act in the studio. The guys did some moves and jumps to some old rap song and then did some karaoke to ''Old Time Rock and Roll.'' Howard and the guys got some laughs out of the act. While they were performing Howard said that they looked like Jackie Martling.
Howard asked the guys if they've ever gotten laid. Of course they haven't which didn't surprise anyone.
If you want to book The Groundhog Brothers you can contact them by calling 1-610-375-2045. The guys said they have some bills to pay and they need some gigs to help pay for them. Howard took a couple of phone calls for the guys. One caller asked if they have a web site to check out. They don't have one but they said they could get one. Howard suggested that they talk to Doug Goodstein from E! about something like that because he used to manage Hank the Dwarf. The guys did a little bit more of their act as Howard wrapped up the interview with them.
Howard talked to Caan about Robert Blake for a short time also. Caan said he had spoken to Blake in the past and how he used to talk about how the moon was blue. Caan said that Blake was an ''odd fellow.''
Howard said the reason Mr. Caan was calling in was to promote this movie ''Night at the Golden Eagle'' which he appears in briefly. He said some friends of his put it together so he's helping them out with promotion.
Gary came in and asked Mr. Caan some questions about movies he's turned down over the years. Gary read that he'd turned down movies like:
After the call Howard killed some more time talking about some news stories. He brought up a story about how they want to send mice into space to see what happens when they reproduce. Howard said that's what people are going to want to get away from on Earth if they go to space, so why send mice to space?
Howard talked about Sally Jesse Raphael's final show and how he wasn't sad to see that crap go. She bad mouthed Howard on Charles Grodin's show one time so Howard's not a fan of hers.
Howard was back after taking a day off for Rosh Hashana. He said that Tommy Ramone would be calling in today to say a few words about Johnny Ramone who died a couple of days ago. Howard claims that Johnny was actually supposed to be a guest on the show today but he passed away before that was supposed to happen. He said he wasn't kidding about that either. He said Johnny wanted Howard to be his last interview. Will came in and told Howard that he was in contact with his people over the weekend and they told him early in the week that they didn't think Johnny was going to make it to Friday but it was too late at that point to get him on the show.
Howard talked about going to Rick Rubin's house one time and meeting a bunch of actors who were so busy e-mailing people on their Blackberry's that they barely gave him the time of day. He said next time he goes there he will have to bring his own Blackberry to fit in with everyone else. The time he went there he was with Angie Everhart and they went to watch some old comedy movie but it wasn't even that good. He got all bummed out that day. It was a real weird night according to him. He was telling the story because he had met Johnny Ramone at Rick's house another time and that was a fun party. He heard that Johnny had been diagnosed with cancer about 10 years ago. Joey Ramone also died and he heard that Joey and Johnny were not talking for a long time because of a girl. He thought that he'd read that Joey had a girlfriend that Johnny stole and married but he wasn't sure if that was actually what happened. It led to a 15 year silence according to Fred. Fred said he wasn't sure about the marriage part but Joey did lose a girl to Johnny.
Howard said he was out in Las Vegas years ago and Ralph ended up stealing a girl away from Richie. Howard thought that was kind of uncool but Richie really didn't mind. Howard said that all of The Ramones were cool guys. They appeared on his WWOR TV show many years ago and did a bit with him. Some of the guys even had some great fights on his radio show as well. Howard said there is only one remaining member of the original band and he'll be calling in later in the morning. Markee Ramone wasn't an original member but Robin said she may end up being the band's spokesperson if things keep going this way.
Howard and the guys talked about what happened to the other members of the band. Howard said Dee Dee died of an overdose. Joey had lymphoma and Johnny had some kind of cancer that killed him as well. Howard heard from his old friend Meg Griffin and she told him that she'd be doing a tribute to the band. He said he used to see the guys hanging out in the parking lot of WRNW because Meg used to give them a lot of air play. He talked about how cool the band was and how he liked them so much he put one of their songs in his movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard tried to remember back when he used to hang out with Johnny but then he remembered that it may not have been Johnny but Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine. He then figured that Johnny was there at the party with Tom Morello.
Gary said he ran into Johnny Ramone at a baseball card show one time. He ended up spending 10 minutes talking to him about which cards he was looking for at the time. That led to Howard talking about how he heard that Johnny sold off some of his baseball card collection when he was dying so his wife would be okay. He didn't think that they were great business men and that they probably got screwed over the years in their record deals.
Howard played some of The Ramones songs and talked about what a great band they were. Fred thought they were great as well. Howard played some ''I Wanna Be Sedated'' and ''Sheena is a Punk Rocker.'' He also played some of their ''Pinhead'' song which was the song that was in Howard's movie. Howard mentioned that he's producing a remake of their movie ''Rock and Roll High School'' as well. Gary said he heard that The Ramones sold off their songs many years ago and that's why they show up in movies and stuff these days.
Gary tried to call some of the people who were bedside with Johnny when he died but no one returned his calls. Rob Zombie, Vincent Gallo and Pete Yorn were all by his side when he died. Howard said he was serious when he said that Johnny really was supposed to do the show today. He got a note saying that Johnny wanted Howard to be his final interview and things just didn't work out. Howard said that's typical of The Ramones because they just had bad timing.
Jessica Hahn called in and told Howard that she heard that Lisa Marie Presley was at Johnny's bed side. Howard said that sounds like it was the place to be. He figures he should have been there so now he's going to try and get in line to be the keynote speaker at his funeral. That led to the guys talking about Joey Ramone as well and how some people say that Howard looked like Joey. Howard said Joey had wider hips than he did and he made sure of that. Joey was also taller than he was. He said he really didn't look like him as much as people thought. Howard told the fans that Jessica is always on his bulletin board and talks to the fans. She said she was on this morning and she was talking to a few people like DrDoom, MaMaMonkey and many different Artie names.
A caller told Howard that Eddie Vedder was also bedside with Johnny Ramone earlier in the week. Howard said he'd like to read about how he was bedside but he blew it. Howard talked about the time he was supposed to perform with The Ramones on the Jerry Lewis Telethon but the local TV station didn't want him on. Six months later they hired him to work there on their station, WWOR.
Howard said that there's something going on with Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray. He said that he's a co-host on Extra now. He wants to get him on the phone to find out what happened to him. He used to be kind of happening and now he's hosting an entertainment TV show. Howard had to take a break shortly after that discussion.
Howard talked about a public television concert he watched where Fleetwood Mac performed. He thought that there were some odd things going on between the band members. He talked about how Stevie Nicks is fat now but she's still doing the moves she used to do when she was hot. He figures that Lindsey Buckingham must look at her and wonder how he ever banged her. Howard said there was some weird dialog between the two of them during the concert and it's almost like a soap opera. He played some audio from the special where Stevie is talking about Lindsey. He thinks that Stevie is still in love with Lindsey after seeing that. He also said they they're a really good band and they still sound good these days. He played a few clips from the concert and complimented them on their performances.
Howard said he got caught up in the whole concert yesterday when he was home for Rosh Hashana. He said he'll take any day off the can get at this point because he's not a real religious dude. He said he's more spiritual. That led to him talking about the great sex he had with his girlfriend yesterday. It was so good that, at one point, he asked ''how did we get over here?'' Robin said that's the best when you don't even know how you ended up someplace.
Howard and the guys were talking about religion so Artie asked Howard if he's an Atheist. Howard said he's afraid to say that he is one but he knows that there's nothing going on ''upstairs.'' Howard said there really isn't anything cool that happens and there are no miracles as far as he's concerned. He'll believe in miracles if John Kerry wins the upcoming election though. That led to him talking about the election and how bad it's looking for Kerry at this point. Howard said that Bush is going up in the polls in Pennsylvania and he thinks he must be living in a bizarro world or something. They must want the draft and not want health care for people in the country.
Howard said there's a cover up at the Pentagon as well and he's the only one who's talking about it. That led to him talking about how the Pentagon allegedly had a plane crash into it. Howard said that there are no tire tracks or any remnants of a plane there at the Pentagon. Howard wondered how the only damage at the Pentagon was a round hole from something that was probably a missile. He said if the plane had hit there at the Pentagon, it should have slid down the lawn to the side of the building. There were no marks on the lawn and there was a hole inside the building that looked like a missile or something had hit it. Howard said it's obvious that we're being lied to about this stuff. Howard said he has a link on his web site about this stuff so you can see the cover up yourself.
Howard wondered what happened to the parts of the plane that allegedly hit the Pentagon. They never found any parts of it. Robin pointed out that they just released a report today saying that there were never any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq but people don't seem to care that we invaded the country for no reason. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard told Tommy that Johnny was a great guy and the thing that sucks for the band is that they never got that much money for the work they did. Tommy said that might be what made the band great. They did the music for the fans, not for the money. They do get some money these days though so things aren't all bad.
Howard asked Tommy about the reason Joey and Johnny didn't talk for 15 years. Tommy said it did have to do with a girl but Johnny and this woman fell in love and things didn't work out for Joey and that woman. Tommy said there were probably a lot of strange things that went on between the two of them. Communication wasn't the best aspect of the band and things didn't work out. Howard told Tommy about Markee and Joey fighting on the show the last time they were on together. Tommy said there really is a sibling rivalry thing going on in the band even though they're not related.
Howard asked Tommy if he believes in a ''Ramones curse'' because of the things that have happened over the past few years. Tommy said it is kind of strange that these guys passed in the past couple of years in the prime of their lives. Howard asked Tommy what kind of cancer he has. Tommy laughed and said that he's making an appointment next week to find out if he's okay.
Tommy told Howard that he got out of the band because he got tired of being cooped up in a van for years. He said he's been working on a Ramones musical that he hopes to bring to the States some day. He's been working on it down in Australia. Howard said it's so sad that all of these guys are gone now. He told Tommy that they made a lot of good music together.
Tommy said that the funeral was yesterday and it was just for close family. They are having a memorial soon though and Tommy will be there. He's not exactly sure where that will be but he'll make it there. Howard wished Tommy the best of luck and gave him a plug for a Ramones movie that's out. You can find out more about that at Ramones.com.
Howard said the thing that really burns his ass is that Johnny was supposed to be on the show today. He was bummed that he didn't make it that far. Howard said the only good thing about Johnny's death, if there is one, is that he was a Bush supporter and now that he's gone, that's one less vote for Bush. That led to Howard talking about how he saw Stephen Baldwin rambling about how he's going to vote for the person who is the most spiritual. The guys talked about how nutty that is.
Howard said there's a really cool video on the web that someone told him to watch. In the video there's a couple of hot chicks making out and stuff and there's a group of people watching. There's a kid who is about 10 years old watching and playing with himself while he's watching. Howard said you can check out the video at Kontraband.com. Howard wasn't sure if it was kiddie porn or not though. Robin seemed to think that it was and that he'd broken the law by watching it.
Howard read some e-mail from people who are happy that Howard has people cracking down on the bulletin board posters. Howard said he had to take control of the board because it had gotten out of control for a while there. Another e-mailer said that he thought that Heather Locklear's boobs were fake even though she claims they're real.
Some people wrote in about Scott DePace's politics so Howard had him come in to talk about that stuff. Scott said that he didn't want to talk about politics but he ended up talking about the rumors that there will be a draft coming soon. Scott kept telling Howard that he didn't want to talk politics so Howard let him go back to work.
People wrote in about Fat Joe and Remy Martin being on earlier in the week. Some people loved it and some just hate rap and don't want Howard to have rappers on anymore. There were also people asking about Victoria Givens the porn star who is going to be doing an anal gang bang thing. Howard told them that they could find out more about her at VictoriaGivens.com.
Howard said he loves this story about Tracy Gold drunk driving. He explained how she was on ''Growing Pains'' years ago and ended up being annorexic. She went through treatment and had a whole special about her on TV. Now she's crashed a car while drunk driving with her husband and kids in the car. Howard couldn't believe that she did that with her kids in the car. He read an article about it where they talk about how she seriously injured her 7 year old son. She had her husband and 3 kids with her at the time of the crash. Howard had some fun talking about that story and he said he can't wait to see all of the interviews she'll be doing after this. He likes that she's such a screwball.
Howard wanted to play a game with Nikki Ziering today where they'd play a game where they were going to figure out if Nikki Ziering or a homeless person said it. Will did a pre-interview with her and started to ask her some of the questions but she got freaked out and didn't want to do it. Howard likes Nikki and didn't want to piss her off.
Will asked Nikki a question about the Presidential election and she didn't even want to answer if she knew who was in the election. Nikki said she didn't want to answer any political questions at all. Will asked another one about what issues are important to her in the election and she wouldn't answer that either. She decided not to do the pre-interview. She left and Howard didn't think that she'd come back. Gary called her up and got her to come back. Then they went back to the recording studio and did it again but it ended up going wrong. She had come up with some joke answers that just didn't work. She said that she thinks Kerry will win because he was so good in those pet detective movies. She also said that her issues are that she thinks that everyone should have guns because she has good guns.
Will asked her if she supports Euthanasia... She said she can't afford that because she has to take care of her dog and stuff. Her agent was whispering answers to her and she was repeating them so she didn't even know what she was talking about. Will asked her if she thinks John Kerry should apologize to Vietnam veterans. You could hear the whispering coming from her agent as she was trying to figure out how to answer. Howard thought that she was really cute even though this whole thing went wrong.
Gary told Howard he had to play this one part of the interview so he had to fast forward the CD they had this on. Will asked Nikki if she supports Stem Cell Research and Nikki kind of stumbled over her answer. She said that she thinks that they're close... To something.. and she supports it. Artie heard this and said that she and Will should go on the road together. Howard said he loves Nikki and he wasn't trying to embarrass her with the questions. It didn't go well and he's not sure if she was upset or not.
Howard had Jon Hein come in. Jon runs JumpTheShark.com where they list TV shows and the reasons they went bad. Howard and Jon spent a couple of minutes talking about the upcoming Emmy awards. Howard then saw that they had a phone call from comedian Paul Rodriguez who had a story about Tracy Gold that he wanted to tell. Paul wasn't on the line so Howard had to get back to Jon.
Howard asked Jon who he thinks will win Best Actor Comedy. Jon couldn't remember what his picks were so Howard just read them from his list. Howard said Jon didn't even need to be there because he already had his list. He said that it was John Ritter who will probably win because he's dead. Jon said he thinks that Tony Shaloub should win, but he thinks that Ritter will actually win.
Eric the Midget called in and said that he was not the one who hung up on Howard the other day. Robin started to goof on Eric's voice and he asked her to please stop. He wondered how many times he has to ask them to stop. He also wants a new nickname because he doesn't like the ''midget'' part. Howard told him that you never get to pick your own nickname, that's the thing. Eric said he looked up the word in the dictionary and the first word that describes the word is ''offensive.'' He said that he wishes that the FCC would put that word on their list of words that they can't say on the radio. Howard told him that Gary the Retard doesn't mind his nickname. Eric said that's because he's too stupid to know that it's wrong.
Howard and Artie came up with some new nicknames for Eric like ''Eric the Freakishly Small Adult'' or ''Eric the kid who can't reach the mailbox'' or ''Eric The Magnificent.'' Eric said he was using one that was ''Kelly's Biggest Fan Eric.'' Artie told him that's even worse than Eric the Midget. Robin came up with ''Eric the Freak'' or ''Eric from Middle Earth.'' Howard suggested ''Mini-Man'' as well. Eric wanted something like ''Eric from the Bay Area'' but that wasn't working either. After all of that Howard gave him a choice of either ''Eric the Child Molester'' or ''Eric the Midget.'' Out of those two he had to stick with the midget nickname. Howard was just showing him that it's not that bad a name. Howard threw in another one which was ''Eric the Homo'' but he didn't like that either. Robin thought he might like ''Eric the Hobbit'' but he wasn't going for any of those. Howard told him to just stick with that one until they can come up with something better. High Pitch Erik called in and did his impression of Eric the Midget. It was an awful impression but he gave it a try. Artie said that everyone is a ''the'' on the show. Howard told him that he's a ''King of The Media.'' Eric complained that people mistake him as a woman when he calls people so he thinks that it's the phone that screws him up. Howard let him go shortly after that. He said that after that phone call he thinks that Eric finally likes his nickname.
Howard got back to Jon and whipped through a bunch of his picks for who will win and who he thinks should win. Jon talked about the reasons that certain people will win even though they may not actually deserve it. They ended up talking about Drea de Matteo and how horrible she is on ''Joey'' but she was great on ''The Sopranos.'' The guys spent a short time on the ''Survivor'' season premiere that aired last night. Howard didn't like the beginning of the show or the fact that they gave no clue that they were going to vote out the guy who got voted out.
Jon said that a lot of people are saying that ''Father of the Pride'' is a horrible show. They talked about how the real interview with Siegfried and Roy was much better than that cartoon is. The guys quickly talked about ''The Apprentice'' and how the show isn't doing as well as last season. Jon mentioned Jason Alexander's new show and how he thinks it will fail even though he loves Jason.
There are a few other shows that they whipped through. Jon said that ''Smallville'' should be good this season because Clark is finally going to fly. He also likes ''Da Ali G Show'' which has gotten kind of old over in England but it's pretty new over here.
Jon is going to write an article for Howard's site about when the show jumped the shark. He said that Artie joining the show is the number one most suggested point in the show when people think it jumped. Jon said that Cabbie used to be the top complaint from people but now it's Artie. Howard wrapped up with Jon and told him he could stick around to meet Nikki Ziering if he wanted to.
Howard brought up the bit they were talking about earlier in the show where they were going to have Nikki and a homeless guy answering questions and they were going to try and figure out which of the two said certain things. Nikki didn't want anything to do with it because she's not into politics and stuff like they were asking her about.
Howard told Nikki that he likes her new ''chiseled look.'' He then brought up Ian Ziering and asked Nikki about how long they were together. They dated for about 3 years and were married for 5. Howard had a bunch of questions for her about Ian that he was going to ask to find out how well she knew him. He asked her what year he was born. She knew the correct answer of 1964. He asked her when his birthday is, she knew that... March 30th. Nikki asked Howard when her birthday is but he didn't know because he's not married to her. Howard asked Nikki what high school Ian went to. She thought it was Patterson or something but it was actually West Orange, which Artie knew.
Howard asked Nikki how many inches Ian's penis was. Nikki said she didn't remember that one. Howard didn't think she'd know anything about him so she proved him wrong. Nikki said she wouldn't have traded their good years for anything when Howard asked her if she was happy to finally be away from him now.
Howard asked Nikki if she's dating anyone right now. She said that no one is asking her out now. She hesitated to answer questions about when the last time she got laid was. She said she just couldn't think and couldn't come up with an answer. They just wanted to know when she last had sex but she wouldn't answer. Howard got back to the political questions after that but she wasn't answering those questions either. She told Howard she doesn't want to talk about sex or politics but she would sing Karaoke. Howard wanted to get her in a bikini but she just wanted to talk about her movie ''National Lampoon's Golddiggers'' which opens today. She doesn't think that she appears topless in the movie but she should be topless in the DVD version of the movie.
Artie said that the movie looks good, it got one big star in the NY Post review. Gary came in and showed Nikki a few bikinis so they could get her in one. She didn't want to wear the pink one Gary was pushing for. They had a yellow one as well but she was refusing to put on any of them. Nikki brought up the last time she was on the show when she went out with High Pitch Erik. She talked about that for a few seconds. Gary brought in the Karaoke stuff that they had for her to try out if she wanted. They weren't even able to find anything that she liked.
Nikki says that she's working on a sitcom but she couldn't talk about that either. They continued to go through the Karaoke stuff for a couple of minutes but she was having a hard time finding something she could perform. They finally found ''Killing Me Softly'' but she was ready to change her mind on that one as well.
Howard took a few calls for Nikki and one guy asked for a date with her. Howard said he might have to hook her up with one of these guys. Chaunce Hayden called in and said that Nikki has to be dating someone. He interviewed her yesterday and asked her who she's dating. She said that she's not dating but she might have a booty call guy. Chaunce seems to think that it's an A-list celebrity that she can't talk about. Another caller told Howard to get this girl off the show because she sucked as an interview. Nikki told the guy to come down there so she could kick his ass.
Gary told Howard that they could do the Karaoke thing now if he wanted. Gary told her to just look at the monitor and read the lyrics. The ''Killing Me Softly'' version was awful so Nikki refused to perform it. Howard took a few more calls for her after that. Nikki ended up making up stories about how she's banging guys every night and she's doing everything with them. She said that she's doing anal and all of that stuff all the time. She was just kidding though.
Vinnie Favale (CBS VP Late Night Programming East Coast) called in and told Nikki that there were almost a million people on Howard's bulletin board saying that they'll buy tickets for her movie if she gets into a bikini. He was trying to convince her that Howard's show and web site are so powerful that they can make her movie number one this weekend. It seemed to work because Nikki ended up going into the bathroom and got into a bikini. Howard told the guys that ever chick should be that hot. They were waiting for her to get dressed so they were yelling questions through the door of the bathroom. She told them that she doesn't work out much and she can pretty much eat whatever she wants, in moderation. Nikki was putting on some lotion while she was in there so it was taking her a little long to get out of there. Howard told her that it wasn't lotion, that's where he makes his ''deposits.''
Gary had to help Nikki tie her bikini top. Howard and Artie got a bit upset about that. Howard wanted to tie it himself but Gary got in on it first. She was wearing the yellow bikini that they showed her earlier. She thought she looked bad in it but Howard thought it was perfect. Howard told her that she looked awesome in the bikini. She said she does work out but hasn't had time to do it in months. Howard told her it was the best body he'd seen on a woman in a long time. She said she likes her body as well. The guys tried to find some flaws on her body but they were having a tough time finding anything. Fred asked her if she had a baby because he saw something funky on her belly. Gary told him it was from her jeans leaving a mark on there. He said that even her belly button was cute.
Howard told Gary to bring out the tickle chair after he found out that she's really ticklish. She didn't want to do it in the bikini. Howard thought it would be really hot. He told her she could do a plug for her movie every time he tickles her. She agreed to it after hearing that. They strapped her into the chair and then got ready to tickle her. Howard said that her breasts were heaving as he was getting ready to tickle her. She had high heels on and the bikini. Howard asked Nikki who her co-stars were and tickled her as she answered. He kept tickling her as he asked a few more questions. She was giggling and laughing as she tried to hold in the laughter. She seemed to like it and said she was having fun. She squealed out in pleasure as he did it a few times. She begged Howard to give her some water but he made her ask her ''master'' for the water. They gave her a sip and ''accidentally'' spilled some on her.
Artie seemed to be enjoying the whole thing. He was laughing as he watched her. Gary spilled a little more water on her before Howard asked her to promote the movie a little more. Gary was wearing his beekeeper's mask as he was spilling the water on her. Howard continued to ask Nikki about her movie as he tickled her for a few minutes. He let her go a short time later. After that it was being called the best interview ever.
Robin said she thinks that Jon Hein had fainted after seeing all of that. Howard didn't let Nikki out of the tickle chair. He said he was very aroused after tickling her for a good 5 minutes. He said he really enjoyed tickling her and Nikki enjoyed having him do it. Artie said that they should get this show on E! tonight if possible. Howard agreed and said that they should run it every night. Artie said that this was the greatest show of his life after seeing what he'd just seen.
A phone caller told Howard that this was the best and he loved it. Howard tickled her feet after that and she was squealing again. She answered Howard's question about who the Vice President was. She said ''Cheney'' but Artie asked her what his first name was. She said ''Dick'' so he asked her to repeat that a couple of times. He then asked her what the President's last name was and had her say ''Bush'' and ''Dick'' a couple of times. Howard had to take a commercial break after that.
Howard said that Nikki pulled him off to the side and told him that she really can't get a date. Robin didn't think that could be true but Howard said that's what she told him. A phone caller asked Howard about putting the Nikki Ziering episode as one of the uncensored E! shows on his web site. Howard said she never got naked so they don't have to put that one up. You can see it all on E! instead.
Robin wondered what Vinnie was doing telling Nikki that her movie would be number one. Howard and Artie told her that he did what he had to do to get her in that bikini. Artie said something about her movie not getting into the top 20 movies this weekend. He was joking around of course. A caller told Howard that he pleasured himself in the parking lot of a McDonald's restaurant while listening to the Nikki interview.
Howard said that Nikki smelled so good when she was in there and he could still smell her on his hands. He let Artie and Jon Hein take a whiff of his hand so they could smell her. They said it smelled like cocoa butter or something like that. Artie told Howard that he wasn't able to tell how great her ass was when it was in jeans but in the bikini, she had a great ass. Fred saw a muscle in her ass that he'd never seen on a woman before so he was also a fan of that ass. Artie was talking about her stomach and Howard was talking about her stomach and legs looking really hot.
Gary came in and told Howard that she was in the bathroom doing her hair and he saw her boobs in the mirror. He pretended to be the working guy who was working with a model and it didn't matter... but he loved it. Howard was touching the sides of her breasts when he was tickling her. Bobo called in and asked Howard who had a better ass, Nikki or Jennifer Lopez. That wasn't even close, he said Nikki had the best. Bobo also reminded Howard to do the ''Sophie's Choice'' thing with Artie and Robin's mothers like they did with his mother and Fred's mother earlier in the week.
Howard watched some video of the Nikki tickling stuff and it looked like he was killing her. He said he was hornier than hell while watching it. Howard wants to put every female guest in the tickle chair. Next week they only have guests like Steve O, Jason Alexander and Jon Stewart. They do have Miss Howard Stern but Howard said he'd feel kind of bad doing that to her because she's so out of it. Howard was told that the woman who is playing Lois Lane in ''Smallville'' is coming in next week so he could tickle her.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard that Ian Ziering just hung himself after hearing the show. Howard told Chaunce that he just has to see this E! show. Chaunce told him the interview started out really bad but it turned around when the tickle chair came in. Chaunce asked if Nikki is the hottest chick they've ever had in there. Howard said after that interview, she probably is the hottest chick... at least today she is. Howard said if he were the people who put out her movie, he'd just show this interview in theaters instead of the movie.
Howard was going to have Robin start her news but he got the TV ratings for ''Joey'' and ''Survivor.'' He said that Joey just beat out Survivor by .3. That led to the guys talking a little bit more about ''Survivor'' and what went on during last night's show. The guys think that the show will get better over the next few episodes as it does every season. One guy on the show is a ''Mechanical Bull Operator'' which is a pretty lame job according to Howard. He also saw that one woman is a ''Coffee Barista'' and he had no idea what that was. Artie told him that at Starbucks, it's the person making coffee for you. They're known as ''Baristas'' there. Howard didn't know what the profession of ''Loss Prevention'' meant either.
Robin read through her news after that. Jon Hein from JumpTheShark.com stuck around to hang out during the news as well. Ralph called in during the news and talked about how hot Nikki Ziering is. He said he's heard that she likes to do ''everything'' from what he's heard. That led to the guys talking to him about hanging out with Pam Anderson for a short time. Howard told Ralph that he will definitely ''rub one out'' to the Nikki episode tonight. He may even rub more than one out because it's so good. Artie said the bathing suit was moving around so much that you could see just about everything while she was writhing around in the tickle chair.
Howard thinks they should get some awards for that show. Ralph wondered where the alcohol was because he thought he heard Nikki ask for a Martini. Howard wants a stocked bar in the studio now and Artie suggested they drink every Friday on the show. They're going to keep some Petrone in the studio to get the girls drunk... fast.
Vinnie Favale called back in and said that he was willing to lie even more to get Nikki's top off when she was in the tickle chair. He said that he was going to tell her that they were tracking ticket sales and they were going up since she got into the bikini. Howard had Robin finish up the news after that because it was getting very late. They wrapped up the show around 11:00 this morning.