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Howard started off the show talking about last night's Grammy Awards. He stayed up late watching as much of it as he could. Artie saw some of the opening with Queen Latifah. Howard said she tried to get thin for a while but she must have given up on that. She was also boring according to Howard. She wasn't getting any laughs from anyone. He said she looked like a 600 pound tomato. He was also watching Star Jones on E! and she was doing some weird stuff. Artie said he saw a little bit of her interviewing Usher and it was really embarrassing. Howard and Artie also pointed out that Star's husband Al was standing behind her at the Grammy red carpet show. Howard described the back fat that Star was showing with the open back dress she wore at one point. There was also Alicia Keys who had some fat showing and he wondered why they don't realize that they're that fat. Howard watched Joan and Melissa Rivers doing their Red Carpet coverage. He was talking about how even Adam Sandler looked fat as he was being interviewed. Howard said that Janet Jackson also looked fat. Howard talked about Melissa Rivers not being able to talk for some reason. He saw that Chris Booker was working with Melissa but he was working a room that no one was stopping at. He said that only Norah Jones stopped in with him.
Howard talked about J-Lo's duet with her husband Marc Anthony and how bad that was. He talked about her being off key and singing in spanish. She was built like a Hershey's Kiss according to Howard. The duet was described as a bad Spanish soap oprah. They were apparently acting together and it was just horrible. Howard said the best part of the Grammys was Green Day's performance but he didn't like the eye makeup that Billie Joe Armstrong was wearing last night. It shows that he cares too much about how he looks. Howard talked about how sad it is to see old guys like the guys from Lynrd Synrd performing. Most of the show was boring according to Howard. The Country performances were bad according to Robin and Howard. Howard said that Tim Mcgraw tried to perform Sweet Home Alabama and he sounded horrible doing that.
Howard said that Joan Rivers called MC Hammer ''MJ Hammer'' a few times as she was talking to him. Howard said there was a ''breast mishap'' during her E! coverage. He said she was horrible doing her thing on E! and she's got no business doing that stuff. Howard said that Anita Baker was being interviewed when the breast mishap happened. She was talking to Kathy Griffin and her dress was see through with the bright lights shining on her. Howard said she was basically naked and he felt bad for her. He said it meant nothing though because it's an old, dried up boobie. If it was someone young, they would have picked up on it. Because it was an old woman, no one cared. Robin had a similar problem one time and the light goes right through the dress.
Ralph called in and told Howard that Chris Booker was out in L.A. last week interviewing Melissa Rivers and Howard should get some tape of that. Melissa has gotten very confident and she's even more annoying than ever. Howard said you hear her and want to smash your head through the TV set because she's so annoying. That led to Howard talking about a note he got from Booker who has been listening to a Spanish station out in L.A. and they're cursing up a storm in Spanish on the station. Howard said that he'd like people to translate those shows and file complaints with the FCC. Howard said it's very racist that the FCC doesn't fine the Spanish stations while they're fining the English speaking stations.
Howard was talking about how most of the women performers out there don't care about how they look these days. Howard and Ralph thought that Gwen Stefani looked really good though. Robin brought up Melissa Etheridge who was bald because she'd just gone through Chemotherapy. Robin thought it was kind of odd that she was even there performing. Ellen Degeneres was there with her hot girlfriend Portia De Rossi. Howard wondered why no one will tell Jamie Foxx that he can't sing. He said he's ''okay'' but not as great as he thinks. The guys were all over the place talking about the stuff that was going on during the awards show. Star Jones came up again because she was looking so fat during her red carpet coverage.
Howard had some audio clips from the show and played Marc Anthony's awful performance with J-Lo. Fred played some dog howling sounds as the song was playing because it was horrible. Chaunce Hayden called in and said the most embarrassing moment was the southern rock tribute because there were so many black people in the audience. He said it was almost like a Klan rally. Steven Tyler was looking old according to the guys. The guys mentioned some of the other weird stuff they saw during the show. Chaunce mentioned Billie Bob Thornton losing his hair but that led to Howard goofing on Chaunce's hair. Howard played a clip of Kanye West giving his acceptance speech. He actually thanked an accident he had for helping him win. Howard said after the guy gave his speech the black people in the audience all gave him a standing ovation. Ralph said that Adam Sandler looked like parking lot attendant because he didn't get dressed up. He also said that Faith Hill didn't look very good at the show. Howard said there are some women who like to make themselves look ugly for some reason. He had to take a commercial break after that.
A listener called in and asked Howard if he went down to the park (Central Park) to see the gates that were set up there. The guy was wondering if he thought it was art or not. Howard said he's seen them putting up the gates and it's supposed to be art. Howard said it was a huge project that Mayor Bloomberg has been supporting. The artists didn't want to say what they're supposed to mean so they just put them up and don't mention what it's supposed to represent. Howard has been watching them go up but he doesn't want to be one of those cynical New Yorkers who just wonders what it's all about. The ''art'' is only staying up for 16 days but it's costing the artists like $20 million to do it. Howard said he's kind of caught up in the whole thing. On Saturday he went down to watch it and a couple of people got hit in the head as they were revealing the stuff because there were cardboard tubes that were hitting people. He said that the whole thing turned out to be horrible according to Howard. He said that it's like walking past a construction sight or something. He really wanted to like it but it turned out to just be horrible. He now wishes they'd just take the crap down. Beth was with him in the park and told him that she hated it as well. Howard had his dog there and the dog seemed to hate it all as well. Howard said it was all coordinated pretty well but he felt as if he was being goofed on by getting sucked into the whole thing.
Richard Christy came in and said he felt the same way because it was so cheap looking. He said that the orange curtains were really lame and it looked like something from the 1970's. There were a ton of people in the park to see the crap yesterday so it was getting a reaction. Robin said that something like that is art because it's getting a reaction. Howard asked if dog crap is art too because people react to that as well. Howard said that it is nice when they do artsie stuff in the park because it gets people to pay more attention to the beauty of the park. There have been some other things like silver painted trees and painted cows in the park. He said he appreciates that someone took the time to do the gates there but the bottom line is that he hated it once it was done.
Howard changed subjects and said he heard that there are legal poker clubs around the city now. He wasn't sure how they were legalized but that's what he's heard. Howard and Artie said they'd like to go together and play sometime... if it's legal. He changed subjects again and talked about going to Il Molino again over the weekend. He also went to a place called The Modern that's only been open about a week. Artie said he went to a place in Hoboken called Lua that was really good. He was trying to do the Friday Lent thing and not eat any meat. He got all fish meals and it tasted great. He said he felt stupid after doing that stuff. Howard said he used to go to temple on Yom Kippur but eventually gave up on it after wondering why he was bothering.
Gary said that the other guys were traumatized over the whole thing and couldn't believe how pissed off Howard got about the whole thing. He'd ended up kicking them out of the studio. Howard didn't want to blow up at Gary in front of Sal, Richard and Dan this morning so he asked them all to leave the studio. Howard was still kind of upset that the card had been opened and now he's never getting anyone a card again. Gary told Howard that Robin Radzinski isn't even there today so he can get her a new envelope today and give her the card tomorrow and she won't even know what happened. Gary is going to get Howard a new envelope today so they can fix the problem. Howard is also pissed because he knows that other people are going to find out that it's Robin's birthday and they're going to get her cards as well. He wanted to be the one who remembered but now everyone knows.
Howard talked about Kathy Griffin talking to people on the red carpet talking to John Paul Jones about Lindsay Lohan's clothing and stuff and how lame that was. He got back to the Grammy discussions and played some audio clips from the Grammy awards. There was a big group of people who sang a Beetles song and kind of ruined it. Bono, Stevie Wonder, Norah Jones, Scott Weiland, Bille Joe Armstrong and others tried to sing the song but it sounded pretty bad.
Howard wondered if they should animate Gary giving Robin the birthday envelope. He ended up goofing on Gary again. Gary tried to defend himself again by saying that he was trying to keep Howard from getting upset and that's why he gave that envelope to Robin. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard had this guy Ted on the phone who says he was fired because he was listening to Howard Stern. The guy was a janitor at a school during the summer. There were no kids around so no one else really heard the show. There was one day when a secretary came in and must have heard him listening to it and that's when his supervisor warned him not to listen to the show at work. Ted said he hated the job anyway so if he couldn't listen to Howard's show, he didn't care if he got fired. Ted told Howard that he turned the radio on and his supervisor actually took the radio away from him. That's when Ted painted ''Howard Stern Rules'' on the wall and quit his job. Howard gave him a $500 prize for his trouble after hearing the story. Howard thought it was kind of ridiculous to give the guy a hard time while he was painting the walls at a school when there's no kids around.
Howard talked about last week's Ash Wednesday and how people were walking around the streets with big ash smudges on their foreheads. Artie said his bookie used to get that ash smudge on his forehead so he thought that was pretty funny. That led to Artie talking about his bookie and how a friend of his found out a way to rip the guy off. The guy would bet on games that had already happened and he'd win every time. The bookie eventually found out and sat the guys down and threatened their friend but the whole time they were getting yelled at, the guy had the big ash cross on his forehead. He was threatening to kill their friend's family but he had the huge ash on his head. Artie was hysterically laughing as he was telling the story. That got Howard laughing so hard he couldn't even talk. He said it was the funniest story he'd ever heard. He was crying because he was laughing so hard. He said he almost feels that those are the dumbest people on earth because they were so scared as kids that they still get the ashes on their head. He said that if his agent showed up one day with ashes on his head, he'd fire him.
Gary came in and told a story from when he was a kid. He was in catholic school and a kid behind him had stuck him in the ass with a pin while they were supposed to be quiet. Gary ended up getting smacked around by a Sister because of the yell. He said he was crying his eyes out and had red marks on him because of that. Howard wondered how anyone can just smack a kid around like that. It's almost like they have no love in them. Richie from E! came in and said he was in catholic school and the nuns there would punch them in the face. He said that one nun punched him and a friend in the crotch. He said they used to drag them down the hall by the sideburns as well. Gary said he had a friend who punched a nun back while she was beating the crap out of him. Howard said ''good for him!'' after hearing that quick story.
Howard had Bobo on the phone because he wanted to tell some horror stories from being in Catholic school. He said he used to get smacked on the wrist by his nun. The story went no where and Howard knew that he was a bad story teller. Howard said that he would probably beat him too.
Howard wondered what happened to award show crasher Sixx because he never got up on stage at the show last night. Gary said that Chaunce seems to think that the people at the Grammy's hired Sixx to come on the show last week to promote the show and maybe he never planned to get on.
Ralph called in again so Howard warned him not to call in so much. He kept the call short after Ralph quickly mentioned that there are priests out there molesting kids. He was just joining in on the stories about the hypocrisy of religion.
Howard thought that Richard was going to use the Jillian Grace pictures to pleasure himself. Richard said that he didn't need to use her and will save her for some other time. Richard mentioned that he was at a Tommy Hilfiger party over the weekend and ended up leaving after 10 minutes or so. Gary came in and said that's not exactly the way it went. He said he walked outside and wasn't allowed back in the party because he looked like he didn't belong. Howard went out over the weekend and ended up sitting there by himself because a friend didn't show up and his girlfriend had to stay home because she was sick. Richard said he goes out by himself and eats alone all the time. He doesn't think it's all that weird but everyone else does.
Howard read that actor Tom Sizemore was caught trying to cheat on his drug test by using a fake penis filled with clean urine recently. He quickly read the story and then went to commercial break.
Howard had some audio clips from the E! red carpet coverage at the Grammy's. Kathy Griffin was acting kind of goofy and almost seemed like she was trying to be a ''Stuttering John'' type of interviewer. She didn't seem to know who Led Zeppelin was and didn't ask any interesting questions. Howard played some audio from that and Kathy was trying to be funny but it came across as being really lame. Howard said that Joan Rivers was interviewing Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and Robert Smigel was put on camera accidentally and he apparently freaked out when he realized it. Howard said Smigel is right because when you see the guy working the puppet it's just not the same. Robin said it was funny the day he came in and did that while he was hiding behind the couch in the studio. She said he was constantly trying to get comfortable and moving around. She said it was hysterical to watch when he was there. Artie said he saw Smigel and Triumph out interviewing a bunch of guys at a Star Trek convention one time. He told Howard about some of the goofy things he did with those guys and it sounded pretty funny.
Howard played some more audio clips from the red carpet coverage. Star Jones was interviewing the guys from Earth Wind and Fire and talked them up like they were as big as The Beatles. Howard pointed out how boring she was and cut off the clip before she bored us even more.
Howard saw Henry's kids on ''60 Minutes'' recently and they were blasting Henry. Henry thinks Howard's kids will do the same to him but Howard doesn't think that's the case. He's still with his kids. Howard said Henry's kids were talking about the hell they had to go through having Henry as a father.
Howard had this guy Paulie on another line. Paulie calls in each time Henry is on the show talking about how he'd like to meet up with Henry to take care of him in his own way. He said Henry does a good job of hiding when he tries to meet up with him. Paulie also asked Artie how he can like a guy like this because he's a stand up guy while Henry is a rat. Artie said he feels bad for the guy now for some reason. Howard said he doesn't feel bad for him though. Paulie said that one of these days... if he doesn't take care of Henry, God will take care of him. He said he can run but he can't hide. Henry was just making weird noises and laughing as Paulie was going off on him. Howard thinks it's funny how Paulie is right on the phone when Henry calls in.
Howard let Henry go a short time later. He then took a call from Jeff the Drunk who wished Robin a Happy Valentine's Day. He joked that he meant that for Robin Radzinski referring to what went on earlier in the morning. Jeff said he has a job now selling stuff on the internet. He's selling t-shirts, pictures and phone calls through his web site now. Howard told him to just vomit into a box and give that to his mom instead of vomiting on the floor. Jeff asked to play a game with them but Howard didn't want to let him play. He asked him about his life in the trailer and if he's thinking about getting out of there. Jeff has no plans on leaving. He's still living with his mom so Howard told him that he should get her a card at least. Artie heard that he cooks for his mother sometimes so they asked him about that. Jeff said that he has made some pork chops and stuff like that. Jeff was still in bed when he called in. Jeff mentioned that he had a little weed there to smoke so he got up out of bed and smoked a little while he was on the line. Howard wondered if he ever wakes up and thinks about getting a job and changing his life. As he was saying that Jeff said he was ready to take a hit off the pipe. Jeff took the hit and started to cough uncontrollably which got Artie laughing hysterically. Artie wondered if that woke his mother up. Jeff said that she's on the other side of the trailer so it wouldn't wake her up. How big could the trailer be? Howard jokingly said he heard his mother crying on the other side of the trailer. Jeff threw in a plug for his web site before he got off the phone. JeffTheDrunk.net is the site. He took another hit from the pipe as well. He was coughing and wheezing once again.
Howard replayed a phone call they made to Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard where they had a girl ask for their advice on what to do when her tampon disappears. The two retards end up yelling at each other about who's more retarded than the other. Howard had to take another commercial break after that.
Another caller told Howard that he's out in Pennsylvania in the Harrisburg area where they took him off the air recently. The guy said he goes to work every morning and he's depressed because he doesn't get to hear the show every morning. Howard said they didn't have to take him off there, it was just kind of an F-you thing that they did to him. The caller asked to play a quick Daniel Carver game. Howard wasn't going to do that because he wanted to end the show on time. He let him play anyway. In the game Daniel Carver of the KKK is asked if he knows names of black people who should be known for Black History Month. The caller had to guess whether or not Daniel would know who the people were. The first name was Alex Haley. The caller said that Daniel probably didn't know who he was. Daniel said ''I hear'd of him but I don't know what he done.'' The next name was Halle Berry. The caller guessed that Daniel would know. Daniel knew that she was a ''half white, half black movie actress'' and added that she got her looks and brains from the white side of her family. The next name was Jackie Robinson. Howard quickly mentioned that today is Jackie Martling's birthday when he mentioned the name Jackie. The phone caller said that he wouldn't know. Daniel said ''I ain't never hear'd of him.'' Howard played the next name, Morgan Freeman, and had the guy guess. The caller said that Daniel would know that name. Daniel said ''No, I ain't never hear'd of him.'' The next name was Rosa Parks. The caller said that Daniel would not know that name. Daniel said that she was ''that nig*** that wouldn't get off the bus... '' and rattled off some other stuff about her. The last name was Nelson Mandella. The caller guessed that he would know. Daniel knew who he was an called him a ''dumb, savage nig***.'' Howard ended up giving the caller $500 courtesy of the movie ''Saw.''
Wendy the Retard called in during Robin's news to talk about an upcoming date she had. Wendy said that she gets to go on a date to Pizza Hut with a guy who called into another radio show to win a date with her. Howard figured out that another show ripped off their dial-a-date bit and hooked her up with a listener. Howard spent a few minutes goofing around with her asking her questions that she would answer ''yes'' to no matter what it was about. He asked her if she'd be smelly and hairy for the date and if she'd be putting out for the guy. She said yes to everything. She also said that she can take 3 knuckles and she does swallow. She told Howard that she's going to kill and rape the guy as well. Wendy said that this is going to be her biggest date ever and she's already in love with this guy that she's only met like one time. Wendy ended up asking Howard to send her some money so she and her date could go on vacation somewhere. Howard's response was to play their version of ''Let's Get Retarded In Here.'' He ended up giving her $500 courtesy of the movie ''Saw'' as well. Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard said he got a porn tape (Special Tape) about 10 years ago and they'd shown it to Richard Christy who watched it last night after work. Richard said he had some fun with it for Valentine's Day. Richard said he made it through about 5 minutes of the tape before he ''finished.'' He said he tried out this new stuff that Jenna Jameson advertises on the station. He tried that out last night and ended up doing himself 4 or 5 times as he was dubbing all of this stuff to DVD. The ''Special Tape'' was amazing according to Richard. He said he started at around 5 last night and finished around 7 or 8. Howard said he was going to throw up after hearing all of this stuff. Richard also let Howard know that they have this girl coming in soon to play the piano naked and he's been a big fan of hers for a long time. He went out and bought her issue of Penthouse which is the March 2005 issue and saved it for last night when he had all of that other stuff to go through. Howard knew that Richard would like that tape. Richard was wondering who those women were and where the tape came from but no one really knew. He'd like to find out more about their background and find out what they're up to these days.
Richard also got to see the tape they have of the ''fun sisters.'' That tape is the one the girls sent to Howard before they were on the show and the stuff they did was pretty crazy according to Richard. Howard said that Richard is a good spokesman for those tapes because he talks about it like most guys would talk about their girlfriends. Artie was goofing on Richard's southern accent and did his impression a little bit. Howard said that they put up pictures of the girls that Richard pleasured himself to on HowardStern.com so people can see who he's whacking it to.
Howard told Chaunce he was weird for sending out pictures of his fiancee as well. Howard said she was a very attractive girl but in some of the pictures she had her face covered with her hair and she looked like Ralph in a bathing suit. Howard said he thought it was just Chaunce's way of begging people to look at his girlfriend. He sent the pictures to a few of the guys on the show. He thinks that Chaunce is just looking for love from everyone and that's his way of doing it.
Chaunce told Howard that one day he's going to invite Beth over to his place for dinner and Howard is going to have to come. Howard said he already invited Beth over to take pictures of her and she turned him down. Howard said if she went over there, he may have broken up with her because he would have thought she was mentally ill. He said that it's almost like Chaunce is gay for him or something. Chaunce didn't believe that Beth would say that he's weird like Howard is claiming she did. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Howard that he encourages this behavior from Chaunce. He said he lets Beth do interviews with Chaunce and that encourages him. Howard said he doesn't ''let'' Beth do that stuff, she does it on her own. Ronnie goofed on Chaunce a little more but Howard told Chaunce that he likes him. He's tried to be nice to him over the years but now he's wondering if he should just get rid of him.
Gary came in and told Howard how Chaunce does the photo shoots that he does. He takes a blue tarp to a hotel room and tapes it to the wall with duct tape and then takes some pictures for his magazine. Chaunce laughed as he heard that and admitted that's what he does. Howard told Chaunce that he's never going to go over to his house. Chaunce said that he'd think differently of him if he did come to his house. Howard took some phone calls after that and let people go off on Chaunce. One guy said that he likes Chaunce once in a while but he's eventually going to ruin his relationship with the show if he keeps this stuff up. Another guy said that if he went to his house he'd probably hear women in Chaunce's basement like ''Silence of the Lambs.''
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that Chaunce is jealous of Howard... but he had tape from ''The View'' where they cut the show right to commercial right after Flavor Flav mentioned Howard's name. Melrose went off on Chaunce a little more so Chaunce said that he stole Melrose's girlfriend and he never forgave him for that. Howard had Melrose play The View stuff for him... They didn't go right to commercial, they let Flavor Flav say what he had to say before they cut to commercial. Howard said that Melrose is insane and hung up on him. Chaunce was next to be hung up on. Howard let him go and played their ''Chaunce'' song parody to the tune of ''Let It Be.''
A phone caller told Howard that yesterday's show was great and it showed that they don't need guests to make a great show. Howard said he got a great voice mail message from David Spade who said that the Jeff the Drunk phone call was the greatest yesterday late in the show. That's when Jeff was coughing up a lung after taking a hit off his pipe. Howard said they're going to use those clips to make some prank calls. Howard said he agrees with the phone caller and they've actually cut back on the number of guests they have on the show over the past year because it holds him back from what he wants to do every morning. Today they do have some guests coming in though and he thinks that Maurey Povich is a pretty interesting guy.
A listener called in from Syracuse to tell Howard how much he misses the show. Howard talked about Citadel dropping his show and how stupid it was for them to do that. He also talked about the state of radio these days and how conservative they've become lately. He
Howard asked Robin what she did for Valentine's day last night. Robin said they went out for dinner and Mr. X did her once. He asked her what positions they did. Robin said they have a favorite position but the delay was hit at least twice during the conversation. Howard asked Robin if she took a bath before they did it. Robin said she did try to clean up for her man before they did it. Howard said that's very important for a woman to do. Howard talked about how some women think that shaving fully is kind of disgusting but he loves it. Howard said his mother once said that his father loves her hair and she would never shave her area. Howard asked the guys what the real purpose of pubic hair is. Robin thought it was some kind of filter or something just like eyebrows and nose hair is. Artie said that back hair is to keep women away from men. Howard said that the pubic hair is supposed to trap a scent in the area so other's will know to stay away. He apparently read that and when Beth heard about it, she said she was never going to let the hair grow there again. Howard didn't know that's what the purpose was and it was pretty vile when he read about that.
Howard got back to Robin's Valentine's Day and asked her about sex a little more. Howard said he didn't get any last night. He just had dinner with her and didn't get anything. They had a few different things to eat and then got into bed and watched The Surreal Life. Beth was on her period and she was still suffering from a cold she's had for a while now. Howard said he was alright with it though. He said that he's had sex with her a couple of times during the 10 days she's been sick because he still has needs. Benjy asked Howard if he still kisses her when she's sick. Howard said he does but he won't full-out tongue her. Benjy didn't have anything else to say so the guys were goofing on him a little bit.
Howard let Susan go but Artie told him that he and Susan were going to go check out the gates in Central Park today. That got Howard talking about the Gates and how he liked them better before they unveiled them this week. He talked about how much he likes Central Park and how the gates make the park look like a construction site. He said it's all one big sham and it's something that's just not art. The guys talked about he project and how it reportedly cost $20 million to create it. Howard said that years ago you couldn't even walk around the park without worrying about being mugged. Mayor Giuliani cleaned up the park and reclaimed it for the people. The park isn't being vandalized like it used to be and there's nothing weird going on there anymore. Bloomberg is carrying on in that tradition so he appreciates all that they do for the park but the art thing is a joke. Artie read that someone had spray painted ''Art?'' on one of the curtains hanging from the gates but there are so many cops keeping an eye on that stuff that he found it hard to believe someone was actually able to get away with that.
Howard said he appreciates art but this whole gate thing isn't art to him. He said that the real artists in that park are Mayors Giuliani and Bloomberg who cleaned it up. A cop called in and told Howard that Giuliani had nothing to do with cleaning up the park. It was the Central Park Conservancy that cleaned it up. Howard said that Giuliani did clean up a bunch of things in the city when he was in office. He said that he cleaned up the Jacob Javits Convention Center and the Fulton Fish Market among other things. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard got an e-mail from Representative Gary Ackerman's office and he told Gary that Congress is working to get this new Indecency bill to pass by Wednesday or Thursday of this week! They are on a very fast track to get this new bill passed to raise fines to $500,000 from $32,500. They will also be able to fine individuals for any indecent broadcasts. Howard said that he will shut his mouth once that bill is passed and encouraged other broadcasters to do the same. The whole thing is ridiculous and they're trying to make radio resemble radio from the 1950s. Howard said that the second amendment is better protected than the first amendment and no one is trying to protect free speech. He said he's been asking for help in the battle against the FCC for years and no one will do anything about it.
Howard also pointed out that the creep Michael Powell of the FCC still hasn't answered his questions about how they could fine Viacom for the Janet Jackson thing when they never even asked anyone at the company about what went on. They claim there was an investigation but it was never proved. Howard also brought up Chris Rock because he's going to be the host of the Oscars. He said that Hollywood would never let Chris do his thing and now the Drudge Report has reported that some celebrities want Chris Rock taken off the show. Howard said that Chris will probably keep his act pretty tame and it's a shame. He said that it relates to the FCC thing because it just shows that ''the edge'' is slowly being taken away. The Grammy Awards got the lowest ratings in many years because it's been so watered down. Howard encouraged people to come with him when he moves to his new home (Sirius) where there will be freedom to do whatever they want.
Howard read through some e-mail they've gotten lately. There was some feedback about Artie's funny story about Ash Wednesday that he shared yesterday. Howard ripped through a bunch of other e-mails including one about the James Taylor version of ''Woodstock'' that he did on Howard's show. Howard played a little bit of that song and said that Taylor didn't release that version of the song, he just performed it on his show. Artie said that might be the best musical performance ever done on Howard's show.
Howard read an e-mail review of Artie's Las Vegas comedy show from a couple of weeks ago. The writer said that people were running from the room when Artie was doing his Elvis song. Artie said he didn't see anyone fleeing when he was performing the song. The guy thought that Artie was too wasted to do that second show that night. Howard read through a few other e-mails but he had to get to Maurey Povich.
Jason brought in a picture of Connie Chung from last year and Howard said she still looks good. He said he'd still do her. Howard said he'd do her even at that age. Howard wondered if her breasts were real because they looked pretty big in the picture. Maurey checked out the picture and said that they are all natural. Howard got back to Maurey's career and pointed out that he had a lot of competition over the years but most of them are gone. Maurey still has his show as does Montel Williams. Maurey said that his show has gotten a younger and younger audience over the past 7 years or so and that's why the show has done as well as it has. He said he does a lot of shows about kids looking for their real daddies and that's what brings in the ratings. They also do more stuff with young kids on the show. Howard wondered if Maurey thinks twice about putting the young kids on the show because it might screw them up even more. Maurey said it doesn't bother him one bit. Maurey said they've had one girl on the show who has been trying to find her baby's father and she's gone through 10 guys so far.
Howard asked Maurey if it's true that he signed a 5 year deal for $40 million. Maurey said that was pretty weak but wouldn't say exactly how much he makes doing that show of his. Howard played a couple of audio clips from Maurey's show and goofed on them a little bit. There was one clip where a 600 pound woman was talking about how Maurey helped her out. Maurey was laughing as Howard played the clip. Shuli called in and told Howard how great some of Maurey's show is. He read off some of the stuff that Maurey has on his show this week. They have people trying to figure out who their baby's father is and about some sex caught on tape things.
Howard got back to Maurey and Connie's sex life after that. He asked Maurey a few questions about that but the delay was hit at least once and Maurey wasn't into talking about that stuff. Howard wondered if Connie needs to use lube when they have sex. Maurey said that she doesn't and that was giving Howard hope for the future. Maurey said that he's still able to have sex 2-3 times a week but Howard wasn't sure he believed that. He asked Maurey if he thinks about other women. Of course he does. Howard said that he can do it more than 2 or 3 times a week with his girlfriend. He said the number of times a day he does it has been cut back over the years though. Howard wondered if a 66 year old guy still pleasures himself. Maurey said ''of course'' and talked about how he does the same things he's done throughout his life. He said he just watched a porn movie recently that a guest gave him and that's what he used to get himself off. Maurey said he doesn't watch porn with Connie because they just don't do that stuff together. Howard tried to convince him that it's a good thing and he should watch porn with Connie. Maurey said that he watched the porn movie in his bedroom while Connie was away somewhere. He didn't want to go any farther in the discussion but Howard kept digging. He asked Maurey where he unloads. Maurey wasn't going there and tried to change subjects to satellite radio. Howard finally gave up and told Maurey to say hi to Connie.
Maurey wished Robin luck on her new TV show. Robin said that she's going to try not to do a ''Maurey'' like show with hers. Howard gave Maurey a plug for his show which has been on the air for 14 years. The show airs at 10am and Noon in New York City and it appears in 196 other markets as well. Howard went to break right after that.
Jeff the Drunk called in so Howard told him it was pretty funny yesterday when he called in and took a couple of hits of weed and coughed like he was about to die. Jeff was ready to do it again but Howard wasn't sure he wanted to hear that. It was a violent cough that wasn't funny to Howard. Jeff lit up his pipe and took a hit and coughed a bit. Howard wondered how that's enjoyable to him. Howard figured he must have the beginnings of lung cancer from the way it sounds. Jeff took another hit and started to cough uncontrollably. Artie laughed his ass off when he heard that. Howard asked Jeff if his mother knows he smokes and what she thinks about it. He said she doesn't even know about it. Howard asked him if his mother ever tries to straighten him out or if she just accepts him for what he is. Jeff said that she just accepts him and she loves him. Howard asked if she even touches him. Jeff said she does hug and kiss him but Howard figured he must smell bad and wonders how she can stand it.
Artie asked Jeff where he gets his weed. Jeff said he has a dealer and he gets a nickel bag for about $35. That lasts him about 2 days. Artie wondered where he gets the money for that. Jeff started to say but Howard cut him off and asked him if he smokes in front of his mother. Jeff said that she's on the other side of the house (a trailer) and doesn't smell it. Howard said she's probably 2 feet away from him so she has to smell it. Jeff said he still has to hide his weed just like a 12 year old would. Howard asked him to send along some pictures of his room for their web site. Jeff said he would do that and took another hit which made him start coughing again. Howard said that he'd be afraid to take a hit off a joint with Jeff because of that cough. Howard asked him if he could take a hit off the pipe and speak after that. Jeff said he could do it so he gave it a try. He wasn't having much luck with it though.
Gary came in and said that he found out that Jeff spends his days playing Xbox games but he can only play games that you can play with one hand. He ends up playing bowling and stuff like that because he only needs one hand to play that. A phone caller told Howard that Jeff is getting ripped off paying $35 for his nickel bag of weed. Jeff said the guy delivers it to him so that's why he pays so much. Gary said that he's going to be up in the Albany area and the people up there say that when Jeff shows up it's not fun. Gary said he heard it's just a little too much and he takes over when he walks in. Artie said he's been up there and Jeff really does take over. He starts demanding stuff from the people from the radio station like he's a big star or something. Artie said that he also played a game of pool with Jeff and ended up paying him $500 when he hit the 8 ball in the wrong pocket. Howard had to let Jeff go but Jeff wanted to tell him about an idea he had. He wants to do Jeff the Drunk on the red carpet. Howard didn't sound all that interested though. Gary wondered if there was any way to get Jeff's mother on the phone. Jeff said she doesn't want to talk to Howard. Artie said she's busy in the kitchen doing an experiment to see if a woman can fit into a microwave. Jeff took another hit off his pipe and coughed for a few more seconds. Artie thought he sounded a bit like Lou Costello wheezing the way he was. Howard had to take a break before getting to Debbie Gibson.
Howard had Debbie stand up so he could check out her ass. Debbie showed him her legs but not her ass because her pictures were in the magazine. Debbie had her people bring in her polaroids so Howard could see that it was really her. Howard said he still thinks that it's not really her ass in the magazine. He wondered if Debbie wears a bikini when she goes to the beach. She said she does wear a bikini but not a thong. Howard kept insisting that she show him her ass but she refused. He told her that if she showed him her ass it would prove that it's really her ass. Debbie said she worked hard for that ass before the photo shoot and she hasn't been keeping up on it. She said the pictures were taken back in December so it's been a couple of months now.
Howard said that he told Debbie that she'd eventually do Playboy but she didn't believe it at the time. Now she's gone and done it. Debbie said that she decided it was time to throw sexuality into the mix. She said that she's still writing songs and she's got a new song out called ''Naked.'' Howard said he doesn't think of her as sexual when he sees her for some reason. Howard said that she's got a very womanly body but when he thinks of her, he can't imagine her in the bedroom at all. He said it has nothing to do with her being a child star or anything because he saw the Olsen Twins as babies and he'd still bang them now that they're 18. Gary came in and asked Debbie if she even needs to work because she sold millions of albums as a child. She said she does need to work because she did blow some of her money when she was younger.
Howard asked Debbie what she thinks about Ashlee Simpson. Debbie thinks that she was thrown to the wolves a little too soon. She hasn't developed her technique enough to be out doing what she's doing. Debbie said that she had a lot of practice when she was a kid and she had to work her way to where she was. Howard played a clip of Ashlee performing at a football game where she got booed after her performance. Debbie said that she should never try to sing that high again. She doesn't have all that much range and she doesn't think that we'll be buying tickets to see her singing when she's 50 years old. Debbie doesn't think that she's going to be able to handle the attention she's going to get from guys either. Howard got back to talking about how Debbie isn't sexual to him. He asked her a couple of questions about if she'd be with chicks and stuff like that. She wouldn't do that stuff so that didn't help her case. Howard said she looks awesome in Playboy but he still doesn't believe that it's her ass in the pictures.
Howard pointed out that Debbie was giving them a hard time about signing their release when she came in. Howard said she came in with a ton of people but Debbie said that's because they're on their way to an in store appearance this morning. She's going to be at Tower Records on Lafayette St. Today from 5-7... which was about 8 hours from then.
Howard had this guy Rob come in who said he was Debbie's biggest fan. He's got health problems and he's a 27 year old virgin who has never even kissed a girl. Howard read that he had a kidney transplant when he was 12 but it was rejected by his body and had to be removed. Rob said that he fell for Debbie way back in 1987 when he saw her on TV. Debbie asked him if he tries to persue women and asked him why he hasn't been able to get a woman. She eventually suggested that he go to therapy and get some help. Rob said that it takes more than just good looks to get him interested in a woman. Debbie said there are plenty of women out there with great personalities that he should be able to get. Rob told Debbie that her Playboy layout was very classy.
Howard took a call from Jonathan who used to date Debbie. He said that the body is really Debbie's and she is a very sexual person. He didn't want to talk about how often he had sex with Debbie or anything like that. Howard wanted to know why Debbie broke up with this guy but she wasn't very forthcoming. Jonathan said that things had run their course and they kind of got bored with each other. They became good friends instead of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Howard heard that Debbie was hanging out with their afternoon deejay Chris Booker as well. Debbie said that there's nothing going on there and she's just friends with him. Debbie told Howard that Jonathan should be with a Jewish girl because he's very much into his Jewish faith. She thinks that he would eventually resent her if they ended up staying together.
The 27 year old guy said he read that Debbie claims that a lot of guys who date her end up being gay. Debbie said that when she was around 20 she would date a lot of guys who did end up being gay. That was a long time ago though and things have changed. Howard told Debbie that he would bang her if he could and he would do it very swiftly. Howard couldn't stop calling Debbie by that name even though she prefers Deborah. Howard gave her a plug for the Playboy issue and said he's still not sure if she's appeared in the magazine because the pictures didn't appear to be her. Howard also thought it was odd that Paris Hilton was on the cover of the magazine when it should have been Debbie. Howard gave Debbie a couple of plugs for some of the other appearances she has coming up. She'll be at Tower Records on South Street in Philadelphia on Friday from 1 to 3.
Chris Booker called in quickly and told the guys that Debbie has laid out those Polaroids for him when they went out to eat one time. Ralph also called in and said that he's tired of these women doing Playboy when no one wants to see them anymore. He doesn't have any desire to see Debbie now, he wanted to see her years ago. Ralph told Howard to get Debbie to get into a bikini so they can check her out and confirm that it's her body they're seeing in the magazine.
Debbie asked to sing along to the Jeff the Drunk song that he sang on the show once. Howard played the song and Debbie sang along to it. Howard thought she sang pretty well to the song. Ralph said she should go out on tour with Jeff the Drunk. He continued to talk about how Debbie won't stop talking and how he has no desire to see her in the magazine at her age. Debbie said that women like Denise Richards and Teri Polo have just done the magazine so she's not the only older woman to do it. She wanted to have some fun and that's why she did the layout. She told Howard about going to the Playboy mansion and how she got to sing for Hugh Hefner while she was out there. She didn't have sex with Hef though. She said she's into older men but not Grandpa-older men.
Howard played a clip from American Idol and joked that it was Debbie's latest song. He asked her what she thinks of the show. Debbie said she's over it and isn't watching this season. She said she used to like the show and thinks that Kelly Clarkson's latest album is phenomenal. Howard eventually played Debbie's new song ''Naked'' and talked to her about that for a minute. She said that she had recorded the song for a record label but ended up re recording it on her own and she has a new deal in the works to get it distributed. Howard got a phone call from a woman who said she was willing to come up and get naked for them. She described herself and made the mistake of telling them that she was 5'9'' tall and weighed 140 pounds. Howard told her she should weigh 125 pounds. She just turned 30 as well so Artie told her ''Goodbye!'' a couple of times. Howard told Gary to go get her because she was willing to get completely naked. Howard wrapped up the interview and went to commercial break a short time later. He gave Rob $500 for showing up today as well.
Gary went over to her and used a Sharpie pen on her to point out the stuff that needs work. Artie told him he missed a spot and went over to point out some other stuff. Artie circled her mouth and said there was a problem there. Howard and Artie both said they'd do her even though she was a bit overweight. Howard said that they'd love to do a make over on her because she's the perfect candidate. Allison claims that she eats really healthy but Howard didn't believe her. She said she had a bagel yesterday so that was her first mistake. She claims that she didn't have any snacks all day yesterday but Howard didn't believe that either. She said she had veal for dinner and it had artichokes and mozzarella on it. Allison let the guys know that she's got IBS and constipation that comes along with it as well. Howard said that she could be 120 pounds and she'd be a smokin' hot chick. He said it's a waste of what she's been given.
Allison had breast implants and Howard thought the doctor did a good job on them. He said that he's not usually into fat chicks but he might do her. Artie didn't think she was a fat chick, she wasn't that big. Howard had her get on the studio scale which showed she weighed 159 pounds! She sounded surprised by that as well. She said she hasn't weighed herself much and didn't know it was that high. Gary told her she needs to lose 39 pounds in 30 days and she'd be great. Gary said they're waiting for the rules to be finalized but they have a contest coming up where they'd do a make over. Howard had her turn around again and asked her what she's doing with that ass. He told her that they're going to tighten her up and make her hot again. He told her to run back to Florida where she lives. He had to let her go a short time later. He told her to come back when she weighs 120 pounds. They went to commercial break right after that.
Howard started off the show talking about what they had coming up. Beetlejuice was coming in as well as some other things that Howard didn't want to promote. He said that Tanya Harding was supposed to be there but she bailed out on the interview when Howard wouldn't sign a contract that said he couldn't bring up certain things on the air. He said she's no Julia Roberts and he's sure not going to sign any contract. Howard said that he wasn't even sure what he was going to talk to her about. Artie figured anything he'd want to talk to her about would have been in that contract as being something he couldn't bring up. Howard said he was kind of on the fence about her booking anyway so it's no big deal that she's not coming in. Howard said some other people have canceled lately and won't be coming in. Sylvester Stallone is still on the guest list though.
Howard and Robin were talking about decorators and how expensive they are. Robin told Howard about how a decorator once asked her how much a painting was that she had hanging in her house. Howard told her the decorator was probably just trying to size her up. He went on to talk about the estimates he got to redo a couple of rooms in his apartment and he had to turn down the job. Artie heard how much the estimates were and the only adjective he could come up with to describe it was ''staggering.'' Gary came in and said that the estimate was 33 percent more than he paid for his first house! Howard said the rooms are just two small bedrooms. One is his daughter's bedroom and the other is a room that Beth uses. Howard is now thinking of going to Ikea himself and just doing the rooms without a decorator. Howard said you can hire someone to kill another human being for less money.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Howard doesn't make Polish jokes anymore and wondered if it's because of his girlfriend, Beth Ostrosky. Howard said that's not the reason, he just doesn't tell Polish jokes. Howard ended up talking about how people have gotten kind of politically correct lately and don't use the Polish in jokes anymore. He thinks that's a Jay Leno innovation. He does ''stupid people'' jokes instead and they're just not funny.
Artie told Howard that he watched ''Kill Bill 2'' and brought up a conversation that they had the other day about Superman and how David Caradine was talking about how Superman was ''born Superman.'' Howard said that Superman wasn't born that way, he was born on Krypton and when he came to this planet, he had super powers. Howard started to explain it again but he just wanted to get off the subject.
Double A called in and told Howard that he went to the place that Debbie Gibson was appearing at last night. He ended up hooking up with Ralph and Chris Booker who were there with Debbie Gibson so he figured that he'd be able to get in. Howard wondered how Ralph was there with Debbie after he was talking about how she was washed up. The doorman ended up letting Double A in when he showed him the Howard Stern tattoo he had on his arm. Double A said he brought a hot chick with him to the club but it was like bringing sand to the beach because there were a lot of hot chicks there. He thanked Howard because he can get into places like that thanks to him. Howard wasn't in the mood to talk to Double A for some reason so he hung up on him.
Double A had mentioned that he has a business card that has a picture of him with Howard. Howard said that's his worst nightmare. He said that Elliot Offen has a porn movie out now and he has a picture of himself shaking hands with Howard on the cover. Howard described some of what went on in the porn movie and it was pretty disturbing. Gary tried to describe what was going on but they couldn't talk about it in detail because the delay would probably be hit.
A phone caller told Howard that Robin's voice was really grating on him this morning. He asked if Howard could put on the Bob and Ray voices to change Robin's voice. Howard didn't do that and ended up hanging up on the guy. He went on to talk about watching the Bachelorette and talked about how much he dislikes the Bachelorette. He doesn't think she's hot and she does a lot of disturbing stuff that really bugs him. She talks too much and she's always talking about how she's trying to find her soul mate. He spent a couple of minutes talking about some of the other stuff that went on during the show and how annoying it was to him. Robin admitted that she had to check out one episode of the show because Howard had been talking about it so much. Howard thought he'd caught her in a lie because she said she wasn't watching the show this season. Robin said it was just one episode though. Howard said the couples never talk about how they feel, they just talk about where the relationship is going.
Howard said he watched ''American Idol'' last night and Paula Abdul is driving him nuts. She used to avoid telling people the bad news about them being rejected but last night she had to do it because Simon Cowell wasn't able to be there because of personal reasons. Howard wondered what was so important for him to do that he couldn't show up. Howard thinks Simon is the best part of that show because he's almost always right when he gives his opinion on the singers. Howard said Paula has the brain of a coyote though. He thinks that she might have the brains to know to chew her own foot off if she was caught in a trap but that's about it. Howard had to take a commercial break after that.
Howard took a call from this guy Mike from Friday Morning Quarterback who was going to explain the Broadcast Decency bill. Mike explained how the House is going to be voting on the bill either today or tomorrow. It has been voted on by the Senate subcommittee. The Senate will have to vote on it and then the President will have to pass it after that. Mike said that the bill ended up getting held up last year because there were some other things that were attached to it. Now they're just trying to get the decency part of it passed. Mike said that within a week or two weeks the bill should be passed into law. Robin asked if the bill has a date that it's supposed to go into effect. Mike wasn't sure about that and said that as soon as the President signs it, it's basically in effect and it's just a matter of time before it's in effect. Howard said that he thinks he's brilliant for making the move he's making to satellite next year.
Mike isn't sure how much of a waiting period there might be for the bill so he's not sure exactly how long the bill will take to go through. Robin and Howard were asking questions that Mike just didn't have the answer for. Howard figured he knew even less than they did. Robin was correcting Mike about some of the things he was talking about so it confused things even more. Howard said he's going to wait to hear from Congressman Gary Ackerman's office to find out what the real deal is. Mike said he had some other information for Howard but they didn't want to get into that stuff at this point. Howard let him go after that.
Robin said that the House and the Senate have separate bills that they come up with so the House doesn't just pass along the bill to the Senate. She thinks they come up with their own bills and they have to make changes to match them up. Gary and Howard were thinking one way and Robin and Jason were thinking it was different. A phone caller told Howard that he has to stop with this discussion because it's just not important to most of the people listening. Howard told the guy that it's very important to the people listening to the show because he's going to have to stop talking when the bill passes. He can't afford the fines and he wants to know when the show is going to end so he can prepare for that day. Another caller asked Howard how they can fine Howard when they have Tom and Dead Air Dave hitting the delay on him. Howard said that's how stupid all of this stuff is because he's not in control of his show. The bill also says that they'll be able to fine the artists who curse in their songs if they get played on the air. It's all ridiculous nonsense.
Howard and Robin said that there are no exact rules about what is decent and indecent so no one knows the line. He said that he's never done anything on his show that he's considered indecent. Howard claims that he's going to just play music and weather when that bill passes because he's not going to risk getting fined once that bill passes. The caller he had on the line said he can't wait for Howard to move to the new place (Sirius).
A phone caller told Howard that he found out some information about John Ashcroft. Howard didn't want to get all political but the guy told him that he read that Ashcroft believes that calico cats are minions of the devil. Howard said he doesn't know if that's true or not but it sounds like something Ashcroft would say.
Debbie Schlussel called in to explain the process of a bill but he wasn't sure he wanted to talk to her. Howard said he often gets caught in long conversations with her. Debbie said he was going to do it quickly and told Howard that the bill probably won't go into law immediately and it might take a bit of time to get passed. She said that the bills have to go to a conference committee after they go through the House and Senate. She kept it short and Howard seemed to like that. Debbie told Howard that it all depends on how fast that conference committee gets this bill through. It's possible that it could be a year before it passes but Debbie thinks it'll be quicker than that. Howard loves that the bill is passing because no one backed him up in his fight with the FCC in the past so now they're going to learn their lesson. Howard said he hopes that they regulate the industry into the ground. He's already predicted the death of the industry and this is just one more step in that process. Howard said the other countries that make sure there's no indecent broadcasts are Iraq and Iran. There was also Nazi Germany.
Debbie told Howard she's written an article about the TV show ''24'' and how they've made Kiefer Sutherland read a statement about the Islamic community. Debbie said that the groups that were behind those announcements have ties to Al Queda... Howard cut her off and let her go because she was getting a little too talkative. Gary came in and started to tell Howard about some stuff but he was popping his Ps when he was on the microphone. Howard goofed on him about that and barely let him get the story out. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about Ellen Degeneres and her girlfriend. They were all over the Grammy Award coverage on Sunday night. Howard said they should have just left the camera on them during the show instead of just cutting to them a few times. He also had some audio of Ellen on The Today Show talking about how people ask her to dance all the time because of the TV commercial she does where she dances.
Robin told Howard about going to see the movie ''Hitch'' and how it turned her on just watching Will Smith because he was acting just like the man every woman wants. She said that he comes across as being the perfect man because he's rich, he has an amazing first date with the woman he takes out. She was telling Howard about how much work he puts into a date and Howard said there's no way it's worth going to that much trouble for any woman. Howard said that if you take your woman to see that movie, they'll just get pissed that you don't do all of that stuff. Robin said that the girls will get so turned on by it that they'll have to have sex with their guys though. That led to Howard talking about The Bachelorette again. He read some stuff from Jen's blog and goofed on her. He told her to shut up after reading some of her stuff. He doesn't get why she has to talk about marriage instead of just dating the guys she's meeting. Howard said that the way the real world works is this audio clip from the movie ''Carnal Knowledge'' with Jack Nicolson yelling at his wife telling her to clean up the house.
Howard moved on to the 75 year old porn star they had there. Her name is Ann and she got into porn at the age of 71. Howard gave her a plug for the web site where you can get her porn movie... InVisionMPG.com. She wasn't wearing anything sexy but that didnt' seem to bother anyone. Artie asked her to put more clothes on actually. Ann told Howard that the whole porn thing interested her for years and that's what drew her into the business. She was a very horny woman when she was younger so she didn't get to act out her fantasies. Ann also revealed that her son used to be in the porn industry but she didnt' want to reveal his name because he's out of the business and wants nothing to do with it anymore.
Ann claims that one of the guys she had sex with in her first porn movie was only 21 years old. She's done 8-10 movies and she only did it for the money. Robin wondered why she was wearing big, dark sunglasses. She said she was trying to go a incognito because she doesn't want people to know who she is in the area she lives in. She's from California but didn't want to say exactly where. Howard said that the porn movies she makes are not for the main stream and must be more like a freak show. She wasn't sure if her movies sell well though. All she knew was the fact that she got $650 for having sex for an hour.
Ann told Howard about her son and how he was shooting some movies out of his house in the San Fernando Valley. She was asked by a guy who was working with her son to do a movie and she took him up on the offer. Howard asked her what the plot line was for the first movie. She said that she did use a walker in one scene to walk out of the scene. Ann said she wasn't sure how the whole plot went because she hasn't seen the movie herself. Artie asked her why she wouldn't watch it because he knows why he wouldn't watch it... because she's 75. Howard heard a rumor that Ann had tried regular sex and that she had been forced to try the dirtiest type of sex one time. She said she never did that though. She has taken out her dentures for one movie. She didn't like that she did that because it was so degrading to her.
Ann was there to promote the movie ''Obscenery'' and asked Howard if he would be interviewed for it because the movie is about free speech. Howard said he didn't want anything to do with that though. Ann was having a bit of a coughing fit as she was talking about the movie. She said she had a tickle in her throat and asked for some water. Howard asked her if she was able to get aroused for the movies she did. She said that she wasn't and it was all about the money. She had to use lube.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said that the lady disgusted him and that he wouldn't be able to watch the movie. Ann was saying that she still gets guys even at her age. She said she's dated younger guys... guys in their 60s. Gary laughed when he heard that but it didn't seem that funny. She's 75 years old. Howard read some stuff from Ann's bio and one of them was a note about how her son had caught her having sex and told her that if she was going to make porn movies, she'd have to do the dirtiest kind of sex. She said the interviewer must have misunderstood her. Howard read that all of her kids are in the porn business and that seemed kind of odd to him. He said that would be like a thief raising a bunch of thieving kids.
Robin asked Ann if she ever has to moan on camera. Howard asked her to demonstrate her moaning but she wanted to get paid to do that. Howard asked Gary if they had any money to give her. Gary had a couple of plane tickets to give her so she agreed to do it. The tickets were courtesy of Airborne cold remedy. Ann demonstrated her moaning but the delay was hit for some reason. Doug from E! came in and asked her to get into a bikini or into the RoboSpanker. Howard didn't even want to see that. He had Ann moaning again but it wasn't sexy at all. Robin kept telling her that she had to work for those airline tickets and had her doing it over and over again. She wasn't turning anyone on though. Howard had Fred play some examples of real sex scenes but Ann didn't think that's what they do in porn movies. Artie told her she needed a catch phrase like ''Oh, oh... more fiber'' or something like that.
A listener called in and told Howard he saw one of her movies and it was the most disgusting thing he's ever seen. He described the movie to Howard and he thought that the guy looked like he wanted to hang himself after he did her. The delay was hit a couple of times during the discussion. Howard decided to give Ann the airline tickets that he'd offered her even though her performance wasn't all that great. Artie asked what the names of some of her movies were. Ann wasn't sure what they were. Howard said that one of them was ''Fossil F***ers.'' Another phone caller said that he is into the old women in porn and that's what he gets off to. He said they call them ''matures.'' The caller claims that he saw a woman who was 90 years old. Ann said that sex should never stop and that age isn't that outrageous. The caller said that 71-80 years old is the type of woman he wants to see in the movies. Howard wrapped up the interview and thanked Ann for coming in. Ann said that she's not in porn anymore and didn't want to show her boobs or anything like that. Howard said she'd do it for some money though. Gary didn't have any to give her but Howard offered to give her $200 of his own money to get topless. Artie offered her $200 to NOT get naked. Ann was getting kind of offended by the comments Artie was making about her. Doug came in and asked her if she'd do a wet t-shirt thing. Ann said she was going to pass on all of that stuff. Robin asked her if she regretted having done the porn movies. Ann didn't get her answer out before Artie said ''We do...''
Steven Singer of Steven Singer Jewelers called in and offered Ann a $1000 Movado watch if she'd get naked for Howard. He said they'd also give her $500 cash as well. Ann said she'd rather have a gold cobra necklace and the money. Steven said he didn't know what it was but they could make it for her. Howard said for that kind of gift, she'd have to get 2 of them off. Ann was willing to do it as long as it was just a quick look. Artie asked if Steven was willing to pay for the 5 years of therapy he's going to need after this. He then put on a blindfold so he wouldn't have to see the disaster that was about to happen. Howard said he was going to take it off because they all wanted to see her topless. Howard said she was getting a good deal on this whole thing because the necklace was about a $1500 item. Ann whipped out her boobs a few seconds later and Howard said they weren't all that bad. Artie was laughing as Fred was playing Curley of the Three Stooges doing his ''Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah'' bit. Gary came in and said that the boobs looked good to him as well because they were expecting quite a mess. Howard gave Ann a plug for Steven Singer Jewelers which is down in the Philadelphia area. Artie thanked Ann because he's going to be down to about 160 pounds in a few months because he won't be eating after seeing what he just saw.
Ann kept asking Howard if he'd be willing to do this documentary that she's part of but he wants nothing to do with that. He told her that he's a big star and he's not into the whole documentary thing.
Howard said that Beetlejuice was there and he wasn't sure why. They played a Beetlejuice theme song that Beetle sang about himself as he was coming in. Beetle was dressed as a professional boxer for some reason. Beetlejuice said he recorded that song a long time ago. Howard asked Beetle what his favorite word is... He said it's ''good'' and his least favorite word is ''answer.'' Sal the Stockbroker has been working with Beetlejuice lately and he has a lot of stories to tell about him. Sal came in and told Howard about how he's now a babysitter for black retards. He said they were staying at a hotel and they saw a German family in the hotel pool and the family ran when Beetlejuice started walking over toward them. Sal also said that Beetle was staying with this comedian Brad Thacker and couldn't figure out why he couldn't shave. The plastic cover was still on the razor he was trying to shave with. Sal also told a story about Beetlejuice selling his calendars and how he was taking a $5 bill for a $10 calendar and he was giving the customer $20 in change.
Howard checked out some of Beetlejuice's tattoos and asked him about those things. He's got one on his back that says ''pussy'' so Howard had to check that one out. It actually said ''MOM'' but Beetle thought it said ''pussy'' for some reason. Howard said that Beetlejuice looked like Usher when he took his shirt off.
Sal told Howard that Beetlejuice has bowel problems and when he was driving Beetlejuice to the comedy gig, they were hit by a smell. Sal said that Levy (Rev. Bob Levy) was in the car with them and he witnessed the whole thing. Sal said that Beet was blaming the smell on High Pitch Eric but Eric wasn't even in the car with them at the time. Beetle was all over the place talking about stuff and the delay was hit a couple of times so some of the conversation was missing. Howard said the reason Beetlejuice was in was to promote an upcoming boxing gig he has against another dwarf. He's going to be at the Spectators Night Club tomorrow night. Then on Friday he'll be boxing at Gators in New Castle Delaware. Howard couldn't figure out the plug so Will had to come in and explain it. Beetle won't be boxing tomorrow night, he'll be boxing on Friday night. Gary came in and said that the last time Beetle had a fight, he quit in the middle of it. Beetlejuice said he never quit and wanted to know who told him that. Gary said that everyone who was there told him that. Beetlejuice was getting kind of pissed because he thinks he never quit. Richie from E! came in and said he saw the fight and Beet got hit so hard that he was stumbling around and did quit. Richie and Beet ended up yelling at each other for a few seconds about the fight.
Sal the Stockbroker offered to do some shadow boxing with Beetlejuice so he got down on his knees and let him throw a few punches. Robin said he could throw some punches. Sal said that the punches weren't so bad, it was the smell that was getting to him. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Beet got his stole his girlfriend and got her pregnant. Beetle didn't know what the guy was talking about though. It turned out to be The White Rapper just goofing on him. High Pitch Eric called in and told Howard to ask Beet what he's wearing under his pants. Doug Goodstein told Howard that Beetle wears a diaper now. Beetlejuice wondered what's wrong with that. He wears it just in case he has a problem. Eric asked him if he wanted to change his diaper on stage at the show he's doing this weekend. Beetle was calling Eric ''fat boy'' and goofing on him. The guys were wondering if he could change his own diaper so Doug told him they had a diaper right there for him to change into. Beetlejuice didn't want to do it. He said he didn't need to do it right then. Howard asked him what he uses the diaper for, number 1 or number 2. Beetlejuice said he doesn't do number 2 and Sal added that it was for number 3, 4 and 5.
Someone called in as the Retarded Flu. Beetlejuice said he didn't want to talk to the Flu and told the guy to get off the phone. Howard had Beetlejuice try to kill the retarded flu so he was making weird noises and trying to get rid of him. They eventually got the flu off the phone. Howard told Beetlejuice how proud he is of him and gave him a plug for his web site JollyDwarf.com and the gigs he has coming up tomorrow and Friday. A guy claiming to be the other dwarf that Beetlejuice is going to be fighting. He was just goofing on him though. The guy said that he knocked up Beetle's retarded sister and tried to get him revved up even more than he already was. Irish John called in as Muhammad Ali and also tried to get Beetlejuice going. Howard wrapped up the interview and asked Beetlejuice what his favorite word was again. Beet said it was ''Good'' so Howard asked him his least favorite. This time Beet said that it's ''... Bad but it's good.'' They had to take a commercial break after that.
Eric told Howard that he met a really hot chick out in L.A. after flying out there thanks to Howard. He said he didn't get to have intercourse with her but he did get to play around with her a bit. Eric told Artie that they missed the Laser Floyd concert that was in town. Howard had tickets to it so he gave them to Jason. Howard and Eric ended up sharing some stories about smoking weed and stuff like that. Eric's bird was going nuts as he was talking to Howard so Howard told him he should just get the bird high and maybe it would shut up. Eric asked Artie where he's going to be appearing in the near future. Artie said he'll be down in Philly doing a show on Friday. He's also going to do a DVD signing at a Tower records in Philly on Saturday. Eric eventually took a hit off his bong and blew it in his bird's face. The bird didn't make a sound for a few seconds but as soon as he walked away the bird started to chirp. Tom Chiusano came in to complain about what Eric was doing because he's a bird owner himself. Tom said he has an African Gray Parrot that he's had about 12 or 14 years. He thinks that Eric is endangering the bird's health by blowing smoke in it's face. Tom asked Howard if he would blow smoke in his dog's face. Howard said he would never do that but Eric says the bird seems to love it. Eric took a couple more hits off his bong and blew it in the bird's face. Tom asked Eric to stop endangering the bird and left the studio.
Howard started off the show playing a new bit featuring Jeff the Drunk's coughing fits from the other day when he was taking some hits off his pipe. He played a bunch of his coughs and had Artie laughing his ass off. Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy took the cough audio and called a Japanese restaurant telling them that he had some Wasabe and wondered if he could eat it. The woman at the restaurant told him he could eat it so he did and then played the coughing clip over and over. The woman hung up on them a couple of times but they kept calling back asking what they're supposed to do. She told them to go to the hospital if it was that bad.
Howard played another clip of a guy talking about this bill and explaining how it doesn't describe what is indecent. Howard pointed out that the rules about indecent broadcasting after 10:00pm is hypocritical because dirty shows like Love Lines are listened to by teenagers. He said he's going to start donating to the ACLU because they seem to be the last hope for defending people over this stuff. There was another guy who was all proud about how they got this bill passed on the fast track and he ended up thanking a bunch of people like he was accepting an award or something. Howard couldn't get through the whole tape. Gary gave Howard the gist of what the guy was talking about and Howard thinks that if he was allowed to take this stuff to court, none of what he's been fined for would be considered indecent. Tom and Dead Air Dave are freaking out in the back room because of all of this stuff. They're editing the crap out of The Best of Stern tapes that they'll be playing when they go on vacation. They're chopping up the show so much that they're just going to have to cancel bits that they'd play. Gary said that they're going to have to cut out a replay of Summer Altice's interview from a few years ago because Howard had her getting naked and talking about sex.
Howard said that he should just be let go from the company because he's not comfortable broadcasting there. Robin said it's like booze has been made illegal and Infinity has a bottle left in their house. They basically have an illegal substance that's broadcasting on the air. Howard said that the guys who passed this bill are also calling for satellite and cable to be regulated. There are V-chips available in TVs now so people can buy those to block adult programming if they want. No one wants to just do that though. Gary said that Dr. Phil was talking about sex on his show yesterday and that seems to be okay on his show. Howard said that this country is one step away from burning books. Howard wondered why Gary was watching Dr. Phil yesterday. Gary said he was tuning past the channel and saw some couples running through Target trying to figure out how to spend a $1000 budget. Robin said Gary likes that stuff because that's what he does at Christmas with his neighbors. That got Gary talking about how he went shopping with his neighbors at Target when they were going to be buying gifts for charity. Gary said that the families were giving the gifts to the families that were getting the charity gifts. The woman who answered the door in the housing project recognized him and Gary thinks that she was disappointed when they just gave them a couple of gifts instead of a new car or something fancy.
Howard played a clip of a woman talking about how she was against the Broadcast Decency bill because she believes it could do more harm than good. Howard said her name was Jan Shikowsky or something like that. Robin pointed out that there is a bill in congress that has been stalled for 2 years now that would allow New York to fix their roads because they have the worst roads in the country at this point. They don't rush that bill through though, they have to rush a broadcast decency bill. Howard played another clip of a guy talking about the $500,000 fine cap and how that's the maximum and the FCC will decide just how much the fines will actually be. Howard seems to think that they would give him the maximum if they fined him because he's so well known.
Howard brought up Mancow and how he claims that he's the only guy who can work clean now but Howard said that he was working dirty just a few years ago. He failed at syndicating his show and had to change his show. Now people are saying that Mancow is being called the Heir Apparent to take over his spot. Howard said he wishes anyone who replaces him luck because it's not going to be easy. He said that whoever takes over will have to deal with all of the decency crap and the fans are probably going to hate him.
Debbie Schlussel called in and gave Howard some information about Fred Upton since he was one of the guys talking about how great the Broadcast Decency bill was going to be. Debbie had a lot of information about Fred and his defending a terrorist he had in his district. Howard didn't want to get into all of that and let her go pretty quick. Howard said he shouldn't even know Fred Upton's name. Howard wondered if she ever stops talking. Artie told him that she probably never stops and goofed on her for a couple of minutes. He was doing his impression of her on a date where she'd just talk constantly about terrorists and how everything is tied to it. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will be in later in the show but he knows that they're going to be hitting the delay. He heard that they hit the delay when ''bowel movement'' was mentioned at the start of the show. Gary told Howard that didn't happen there in New York but it could have happened in other markets. Howard also said that they hit the delay when they were talking to Ann the porn star yesterday and asked her about having sex in a bad place. That doesn't even mean anything and they were hitting the delay. Howard got back to talking about how all of this broadcast decency stuff is going to ruin TV and radio. He said that if that bill is signed into law, he could be fined personally just for showing up on David Letterman and saying something controversial. Howard said that his trick is going to be playing clips of people like Andrew Dice Clay on the air because the government would fine him for cursing if they played it on the air. The company would also be fined according to Tom Chiusano who came into the studio. Tom was also telling Howard about the reason they had to hit the delay on him when he was talking to the porn star yesterday. They were talking about how Howard said that it was the ''dirtiest kind of sex in the dirtiest place.'' Howard thought that was fine to say because it doesn't mean anything. He just wants to end the show and get out of his contract. Howard read the transcript of what he actually said yesterday and it was actually the ''dirtiest kind of sex in the worst place'' which also means nothing. Howard just wants to make his move over to satellite right now because this whole thing is out of hand.
Howard said that he had a conversation with Joel Hollender at Infinity and he was supposed to call his agent about something but never gave him the courtesy of a call. Howard thinks that a lot of these guys are going to be leaving terrestrial radio and will be looking for jobs in satellite. Howard said he won't forget about that and he won't hire any of these guys show screw him over. Howard talked about how he doesn't know what Joel wants to do and Les Moonves is busy with his new wife Julie Chen. Howard and the guys think that Julie is going to mean the end of Les' success. Howard said that he's going to choose to be with her instead of doing his job... but who wouldn't.
Howard said he can't argue with Tom about all of this stuff because he has a legitimate argument when he tells him that they're just trying to protect the station's license. He has to censor out anything he can because they can't afford to get fined. Howard and the guys talked about how this is all going back to the Mccarthy era and it's a mess. Artie said that Howard should be pissed because they're taking Best Of Stern and editing it down so much that it's not the same thing that Howard put out years ago. Howard said that he wants to just cancel the Best Of stuff because it's gotten so bad these days. The Best Of stuff gets better ratings than music would so he lets it go through. Howard said he doesn't have to allow the Best Of stuff to be played but he's a reasonable guy and allows it to happen because the company makes money off the product. Artie said that they're editing a product that they have no right to edit and it's ruining the product. He said that would be like some corporate guys taking a book like ''Catcher in the Rye'' and changing it to make it politically correct and then selling it again. Howard said that Wal-Mart wants to edit Steven King movies and change them so they're more acceptable to them. Last year Tom told Howard that they were going to fight all of the fines and they were going to try and stop all the censoring. That will never happen now and he's not sure if Tom realizes that or would be willing to admit it. Howard had to take another break after all of that.
Howard got a lot of feedback about the Jeff the Drunk coughing stuff that they've done over the past few days. He ended up replaying the prank call that Sal and Richard made to the Japanese restaurant. Artie thought that they should have told Jeff to go to the hospital after they heard him coughing the way he did. He sounded like he was dying.
Bong Hit Eric called in and said that last night's E! show was great with Jillian Grace. He said he used ''multiple tissues'' during that show. Eric seems to think that Artie could be getting chicks like that if he just tried. Howard agrees and thinks that he probably could have gotten her.
Diana claims that she didn't have sex with Joey until she got a ring from him. Howard found that hard to believe and wondered if she tortured other guys like that. She just laughed. Howard thinks that Joey did it right because he waited until he was 46 to get married. Joey said that it took him that long to find the right girl. Howard wondered how Diana held out that long. She was also looking for the ''right guy'' and she held out until she knew it was right. Joey said that he was going to have a bachelor party out in Vegas but Diana put a stop to that. Howard asked her if she's afraid that he's going to cheat on her. She said she's more worried that he's going to blow all of their wedding money. She's also afraid that he's going to get drunk and end up in a bathtub after getting rolled by a woman like he did last year. Artie said he and Joey have something in common because he was rolled as well.
Diana said that Joey wanted her to borrow wedding shoes instead of buying new ones to save some money. Howard said they are kind of a waste because you only wear the shoes once anyway. She was married once before so Joey also suggested that she wear her first dress. Howard noticed the rock Diana had on her finger as well so he pointed that out and said it was pretty big. Robin asked Joey if he's off the cigarettes now. He said he had quit for a while but he ended up gaining a few pounds while he was doing the Celebrity Fit Club show. Joey said he went back to smoking and lost some weight with some help from Stacker 2. He was drinking some stuff that was supposed to be Stacker 2 but Howard and Artie thought he was drinking a gin and tonic out of the can instead. They were goofing on him about that and about his engagement. Joey said he wants to lose another 60 pounds by June and the next time Howard sees him, he should be down to his fighting weight.
Howard wondered if they could have a bachelor party for Joey at Scores. Diana said that's fine, she was just worried about him gambling out in Vegas. There will be no sex or anything like that so Diana doesn't have to worry. Diana said that Joey is too old for all of that stuff. They're supposed to be moving out to Long Island so Diana said they need to save money. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later. Joey said that there are a few more episodes of Celebrity Fit Club left and he'll be shooting the next season of The Sopranos starting in May.
Howard tried to take another call but the guy was dragging the show down a little too much so Howard bailed out on the call. He said he was just a bore. Howard was going to play a game but he had a ton of other stuff to get to. He took another call from a guy who tried to make a joke about Melissa Rivers and Steven Tyler being the same person but it didn't go over all that well. Howard gave up on the phone calls and did some other stuff. He read an article about actress Jenna Elfman who was quoted in a Scientology magazine saying that she was going to try and clear the planet of aliens that are wandering the planet. Artie summed it up by saying that she's a lunatic. Howard said he wants her booked on the show immediately so he can talk to her about that stuff.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who said that Mancow has been sending out demos to radio stations trying to get his show to take over when Howard leaves. The guy said that his program manager threw out the demo after listening to a little bit of it. Chaunce Hayden sent Howard a letter about the poll they held on HowardStern.com where they asked who was hated more, him or Ralph. Chaunce came out ahead of Ralph in the poll and now he's kind of upset about it. He says that he's still a loyal fan and doesn't want to drag the show down anymore so he's willing to stop calling in if Howard gives him the word. Howard didn't say that's what he wants though so we'll probably hear from Chaunce whether you like it or not. Howard went to commercial after that.
Triumph said a couple of things that got the delay hit. He continued to bust everyone's balls in the studio. Howard went on to talk about the red carpet thing and how he was dissed when they put the camera on the guy who works him. Triumph told some of the jokes he didn't get out on the air and they were really funny. He was joking about Joan Rivers' plastic surgery and her age. He said that Joan's face was the reason Doggy Style was invented and some other brutal jokes like that. He also had some jokes ready for Star Jones that he didn't get out. He had Artie and Howard cracking up with some of the jokes. He said that the way they got Star Jones on the red carpet was by telling her that it was a giant fruit roll-up. Triumph said he was rejected by Star Jones' people so he never got to joke around with her. He said that he wasn't going to bring up the fact that he thinks her marriage is a scam, he leaves that up to the rest of the country.
Howard asked Triumph what he would have done if he'd won the Grammy. Triumph said he was kind of relieved that he didn't win because there was no podium there for Bob Smigel to hide behind. Howard gave Triumph a plug for the charity he was in to talk about. He's working with Adam Sandler, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, Lewis Black and others for a comedy show that will be held at The Beacon Theater on March 7th. You can find out more about the show which will benefit Autism at ComedyLoveCall.com. Howard asked Triumph to talk about Autism but Triumph thought it might be a bad idea for him to talk about it. He got a little serious and tried to explain it without being funny but he was afraid he was going to start joking about it. Howard gave out a phone number so people can get tickets to the comedy show. You can call (212) 307-7171 or visit Ticketmaster.com for tickets. Triumph went on to sing a song about his mama but he said some stuff that they had to hit the delay button on. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and took a commercial break.
Genevieve told Howard that her web site started getting hits from little people once it was announced that she was splitting from him. Genevieve told Howard that she and Verne would hang out once in a while over about a year and a half. Howard asked Genevieve if she's ever had a lesbian experience. She said she once felt up another woman but nothing happened below the waist. She wasn't all that into it because she was interested in a guy at the time. She did it to satisfy the guy. She got back to talking about Verne and how she ended up falling for him in July of 2002. They watched some fireworks out at the Playboy mansion and they were very romantic. She sat next to Verne and he started rubbing her knee while they watched. She said there was some kind of connection between them that night. Howard wondered if she was attracted to Verne because she could trust him because there's no way he'd ever dump her. She said that she's been through a lot in her life and she knows how tough things can be for a guy like Verne. She once broke her leg in a car accident and knows how hard it can be to get around. She said she knows that doesn't really compare to what Verne has to go through. Genevieve said that they went to a hotel and kissed a little bit the first night but she didn't have sex with him. She said when they did have sex eventually, it was great. She was getting into every detail about their relationship.
Genevieve told Howard that she was married to Verne from January 22nd to about March 14th before they split up. They were still talking up until last week though. Howard heard that there was a TV show in the works for Verne and Genevieve didn't want him to do it so that's what broke things up. Genevieve said that she didn't want him to do it because she thought it would have been better to have included her in the show instead of giving him his own place where she wouldn't be included. Genevieve was going on and on about her relationship with Verne and how she didn't want to have to explain the whole thing to her family because it was something that they won't understand. Genevieve is looking for some money to cover her attorney fees but Verne apparently doesn't want to give her all that much money. She said there's a 5 figure deal on the table right now and she thinks that they're going to use it as a publicity thing for his new TV show eventually so they can make her look bad.
Gary came in and said the guys in the back wanted to see some clothes come off already. They'd heard enough of her stories. Genevieve said that she had to go to the bathroom first though so they let her go into Howard's bathroom in the studio. While she was in there Gary said that some people were complaining about her monotone voice and about the long, rambling talks she was having. She came out a short time later and Howard was already touching himself. He said if he were Verne, he wouldn't walk away from her. He told her she looked great and he was totally excited. She was wearing some lingerie that she designed but Howard said there was too much cloth on her ass. Artie and Howard couldn't believe that Verne walked away from her. Howard asked to see her boobs so she showed them.
Ralph called in and told Howard that he couldn't figure this whole thing out. He didn't find her that annoying and he figured that she had to be kind of freaky because she was married to Verne. Howard wondered if she smells bad or something. She said that she doesn't smell and she doesn't have any STDs or anything like that. Ralph thought that Howard could get her if she wanted. Genevieve said that she hasn't even had any other guys since the whole thing happened. The guys asked her if he's big enough to satisfy her when they have sex. Genevieve said that he uses some creativity to get her off and he's completely in proportion so he's not really big down there.
Genevieve told Howard that she shaves her whole body and has done that since she was much younger. Artie said her boob job might have been the best he's ever seen. Howard wondered if the guys would be freaked out to date this chick because she dated Verne. Gary said he would be freaked out, Jason said he'd date her no problem. Ralph said she's got a screw loose so she'd be great to date.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that she sounded like she was on Xanax or something. Genevieve said she did have a vodka and diet coke but no Xanax. She also said that she has some braces in her mouth that are coming off in April and that's why she has a bit of a lisp. Howard offered Genevieve some cash to get into the RoboSpanker and she needs money so she thought about it. She's getting evicted from her apartment so she needs a place to stay. Ralph offered to let her stay with him but she didn't know who he was. Howard and the guys asked Genevieve to do some Yoga for them but she didn't want to do that for them for some reason. Ralph started to think that maybe she's not all that crazy in bed and that's why the marriage went bad. She said that it was because she wanted Verne to stop drinking that led to the end of the marriage. Howard asked Artie if he'd stop drinking for this chick. Artie said that he hasn't stopped for anyone else so he probably wouldn't stop for her.
Genevieve said that Verne has told her that she's the only one for him and isn't dating anyone at this point. Gary heard that they broke up at one point and when they got back together she made love to him 5 times in one night. She said that was true and she really thought she had the man she was looking for. Howard wondered if her breasts feel weird or something. She said they don't and offered to let Howard feel them. He took her up on the offer and felt her up while Fred played some horn honking sounds. Artie went over and felt her up as well. He said they looked and felt perfect to him. Howard couldn't figure out the whole thing and why she broke it off with Verne. He had to end the interview after that.
Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about the upcoming season of Survivor and about last night's American Idol. He played a clip from the show where a girl started to cry when she was told she wasn't going to go into the finals. She went nuts after they told her she was done. She said she didn't understand why she didn't make it and said she has no life to go back to now.
Howard said that John Stamos' new TV show is up against Survivor and he doesn't think it'll last. Gary said he's booked for the show in a few weeks but Robin said he's up against Survivor so... maybe the show won't even be on by the time Stamos gets there to promote it.
Jeff the Drunk called in during the news and asked Howard to replay the phone call they made using his coughing fit. Howard told him he had meetings to get to so he didn't have time to get to it today. He told him he'd play it tomorrow. Robin finished up her news after that and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
Howard said they had ''Stump the Perv'' coming up later in the morning. He also said that they have a prayer meeting before the show starts in the morning. He said that he and Benjy do that before the show and after they pray, Benjy hops up and says ''Let's do it!'' Artie told Howard that Christina Applegate used to have a prayer meeting before her show ''Jesse.'' He heard that from his buddy Fred Stoller who used to work on the show with her. Artie was telling the story and laughing his ass off about the fact that she was praying for her show ''Jesse'' that no one cared about. He said that's like a football team praying before the Super Bowl and then losing 48-0. Artie said that Fred Stoller isn't all that religious so he had no reason to get in on the prayer meetings when he was working on that show. Howard wondered if Robin would go to the meeting if she was working on a show like that. She said she'd probably go if it meant she could keep her job. That led to Howard talking about Jenna Elfman talking about how she wants to get rid of some aliens who are on the planet. They've been around for millions of years and her mission is to get rid of them somehow. Howard said he'd love to know the whole story behind that whole thing. Robin said that she's heard that Jenna is more able to clear the planet now that she's not working in Hollywood.
Howard read a review about a movie starring Alan Cumming and the reviewer talked about how the movie shows a kid farting and peeing in the movie. Howard said that's what people are bringing their kids to see but no one talks about that. Howard said that Tom came to him yesterday and told him that there are to be no extended farting shows from now on. He said that people tell him he doesn't need farts on his show to be funny but he really does. Howard just wants to fart into that microphone of his and he knows that it's not everyone's cup of tea. He thought it was funny when he was 5 years old and he thinks it's funny at 51. He doesn't get why farting is such a big deal. Gary came in and said that he's not even sure what an extended fart is. He said that Will the Farter was going to get married on the show and they had to cancel that segment because it might be considered ''extended farting.'' Howard said he called his agent the other day and told him that it's really time for him to get out of there. The Broadcast Decency bill is going through and they're editing the crap out of his show. He believes it's time to end it because, mentally, he's already out the door. He said he doesn't want to be a ball buster but the station is probably breaking their contract with him by editing his show so much. Howard said he's not complaining, he just believes it's time to end things with Infinity. He's been asked if he wants to do an edited show for regular radio but that's not going to happen because it's a ridiculous idea. He said that will never happen.
Howard said that he wants to do some real farting and demonstrated what he'd like to hear by farting with his mouth. He wants to do that but as real farts. Howard said he was talking about bringing back Bathroom Olympics once he moves to satellite. He knows that it sounds dumb but people will sit there and listen. He wants to get back to doing funny stuff like that and invited anyone who wants to hear that to follow him to satellite. Artie said that Will the Farter should hold off until next year when they can hold his fart wedding over at Sirius.
Artie told Howard that he was going to do one show back in January but that got canceled so they made it 2 shows when they rescheduled it. The place is huge, 2800 seats, and now Artie has to do two shows. Howard said that he's heard that Artie hates doing shows like that so that's why he gets hammered. Artie said the two shows will be funny but for very different reasons. He said that he's going to try to limit his drinking so he's in good shape for both shows. Artie said he doesn't know what will happen after the show or at the DVD signing on Saturday. Artie said there are times that he has six drinks during a show but he's going to try to keep it down a little. There are still tickets available for the late show at The Electric Factory in Philly.
Hook Nose Mike asked Howard if he's really going to stop talking when this Broadcast Decency bill is finally passed into law. Howard said that he will have to do that because the FCC could fine him, personally, millions of dollars if people complain about something he does. He said when he signed up to do radio, he didn't sign up for this nonsense. It's possible that he could get fined 3 months down the road for like $67 million and he wouldn't be able to afford that. He'd have to hire lawyers to fight it and he just doesn't want to deal with that stuff. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that one of the good things is that they can't go back to any of the material from Howard's past to fine him over. Fred played a couple of farts and had Tom kind of freaking out. He said that they can play an occasional fart but they can't have people farting on one another like they did just a couple of weeks ago. Howard told Tom that he has to have farts on his show so he'll just have to save that stuff for satellite. He told Tom that it really is just time for him to leave because of the way they're ruining his show. He was also talking about his picture being shown in all of these articles about Broadcast Decency. He's already been condemned by the government and by the media so he's got to get out of there. He told Tom that he hates waking up with this feeling in his stomach every morning. Howard said that Sirius is perfectly willing to wait for January 2006 for him to move over there. They're not going to buy out his contract.
Howard said that he got a note about The View and how they had a discussion about erectile disfunction and they got very graphic while talking about that stuff and there's no way he could talk about it on his show without being fined. Howard read the memo he got about The View and how they were talking about erections and measuring guys on the show. The people on the show were talking about the measuring device and they get away with it while there's no way he could get away with it on his show. Howard told Tom that he's going to have his agent call them and let them know that he doesn't think he can do his show anymore with things the way they are. Howard was told by Joel Hollander that if he gets fined again, they're going to suspend or fire him so he's under a lot of pressure. He told Tom he's had a good run there and it's time to end it. Tom said he's looking forward to the 20th anniversary which is coming up late this year. Howard is making it sound like he won't even make it that long though. Howard had to take a break after that.
Howard had this guy George Simpson on the phone. George was working part time at a radio station up in Vermont doing some air shifts. Before the election he was talking about John Kerry on the air so his bosses had to ask him to stop doing that. He stopped after they asked him to because it was a radio station. George said it was on a Sunday afternoon when he did that. Then he did something around Christmas time where he told people to ''Quite your bitching'' and that's what got him fired. An advertiser called and complained so they took him off the air. Howard said that there are stations who hire guys who just want to talk too much on a music station so that's something that could have happened. George said that he likes to talk about stuff to keep people informed about stuff, even if it's stupid stuff. George said his 4 hour show was prerecorded so he wasn't even doing it live. George feels that it was all about the language of ''Quit your bitching'' that got him fired and it didn't have anything to do with him talking too much. Howard wished George luck and said that it sounds like he has a nice voice. George said he's now working for Killington giving out the ski reports and stuff like that. Artie said that he knows he lost his job but he should ''quite your bitching.'' Howard let George go a short time later.
Howard said that this guy Hate Man has been calling in leaving voice mail messages again. He played some of the clips he played earlier this week where Hate Man goes off on Robin but also professes his love for her. He gave his review of the Grammy Awards and went off on a bunch of the performers on the show. Artie jokingly said that he thinks that Hate Man is actually Jon Stewart. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said he'd just watched The View and how they were talking about erectile dysfunction. He said if they took a transcript of that show and read it word for word, they'd be fined but The View will never be fined. He said even Star Jones was telling their audience not to tell the FCC about what they were doing. Howard went on to read some e-mail he's gotten about the FCC and how people can't wait for him to move to satellite. Some people think the FCC will find a way to fine Howard over there as well. Howard said he wouldn't be surprised if that happens. Howard also got a lot of mail about Genevieve Gallen who was on the show yesterday. Some people complained about her lisp and some didn't seem to care. Howard got some complaints about Bong Hit Eric calling in too much. Someone noticed that Artie has slimmed down a bit over the past few months but another person said that Artie looks like crap.
Howard played a voice mail that John the Stutterer left for them. He was trying to leave a quick comment but he ended up stuttering up a storm and could barely get out what he wanted to say. John was trying to talk about Matt Drudge but he couldn't get his point out fast enough. Howard cut him off and asked Robin if she could take anymore. Robin said that she loves to hear that stuff and had him keep playing it. John went on to say that there are rumors about Matt Drudge being gay but Howard had no idea why he'd talk about something like that.
Howard had to cut off the John tape to talk to Eric the Midget Actor who had a big announcement to make. Eric asked Howard to call him Eric the Actor, not Eric the Midget. Eric was calling in to tell Howard that he was asked to visit the set of ''American Dreams'' again to attend their end of the season wrap party. Howard thought he was calling in with some big news like he was going to be acting in ''Law and Order: Special Midget Division'' or something like that. Eric also said that they may have his favorite singer, Kelly Clarkson, at the event. Howard told Eric to make his move on her if that's the case. Eric asked to finish what he was talking about because Howard kept interrupting him. Howard let him say a little more and told him that he had to get going. Howard told Eric that he had a big announcement too... He's going to a card game next week. Eric said he's never been invited to something like that before. Eric told Howard that he's part of the reason he was invited so he figured he'd let him know about it.
Howard asked Adam about his knowledge of porn and found out that he has a photographic memory for the stuff. He watches a bunch of porn videos a day. He was also wearing a t-shirt that says ''I Love Porn'' which is a bold move to make. Most people wouldn't admit to something like that. Richard said that he can watch about 15 movies over a weekend because he can't watch stuff during the week since he's busy working. Richard also talked about how he surfs the web to find pictures of his favorite porn stars. He has some favorites that he saves on his computer for future reference. He said he probably has about 500 different girls saved on his computer. Howard reminded everyone that Richard will pick out pictures to look at on a Friday night so he can pleasure himself. Richard said he has a list of girls to go through by that night so he knows who he'll be looking at.
Adam said that he has hard drives dedicated to video that he's ripped from some DVDs so he can quickly view them. He said he probably has about 140 gigs worth of video. Richard said he only has about 50 gigs and they may have to compare hard drives after the game. Adam said that might be the gayest thing he's ever heard. Adam said he doesn't have all that many DVDs because he keeps the scenes he likes on his computer. He also has a membership with a company that mails him about 10-20 videos a week because he reviews them.
Howard had a $5,000 prize for Adam if he can ''Stump the Perv'' today. Howard is going to ask Adam questions while Richard is in Robin's booth so he can't hear what's going on. Adam had a minute to answer as many of them as possible. Howard asked Adam a bunch of questions about porn movies and porn stars and he was able to answer 3 out of 7 questions in one minute. Here are the questions:
Howard took some phone calls from a guy who asked if the guys like Japanese animation porn. Richard said he just can't get into that for some reason. The caller said they get into some really hard core stuff and they look real. Richard said the closest he ever got was the Tomb Raider video game and the character in there. Adam told Howard about some of the weird stuff they do in the Japanese animation stuff he's seen. Richard asked Adam if he gets real women as well. Adam said that he does get real women so he's got Richard beat there. Richard hasn't had a girl in about a year and a half. Howard had to wrap up the game after that because he had Roger Ebert waiting to come in. He gave Adam a $500 prize even though he didn't win.
Artie asked Roger what kind of cancer Vincent Gallo cursed him with. Roger said that it was colon cancer so he had pretty bad aim and it hit his salivary glands. Roger said that Vincent told him that he was misquoted and actually wished prostate cancer on him. Howard asked Roger why he gave a good review to the movie ''Garfield.'' Roger said that he was impressed with Bill Murray's performance and he was a big fan of the Garfield comic. He said the movie probably wasn't that good.
Howard heard that Roger was very upset that they didn't have a cup of hot coffee for him when he got there. Roger said he heard that their machine broke down but a cup of coffee showed up a short time later. Howard said that they never have food there at the station and everyone should know that by now. Howard was going to talk about a bunch of movies before giving Roger a plug for his new book. Roger told Howard that he'll be getting Sirius radio for his next vehicle, a Lexus, so he can listen to him when he moves. Howard ended up talking about an article he read about Roger and how interesting it was. Roger talks about how he cooks just about every meal in his rice cooker in the article and Howard thought it was really interesting for some reason. Artie said he wouldn't care about something like that. Howard said they just asked Ebert about the stuff he has, the clothes he wears and stuff like that. It was all pretty interesting to him. Howard said he's kind of an oddball because Gary asked him what his favorite music is because he'll be able to listen to just about anything he likes on Sirius. Roger told him that Chutney Soka music is his favorite. Roger had to explain to Howard exactly what that is but Howard didn't get it. Roger said he was going to send Howard a DVD so he could hear some of it. Howard told him he wouldn't bother listening to it though. Howard told him he won't find that on satellite radio either.
Roger asked Howard about this Indian woman who has been called the most beautiful woman in the world. Howard said that she's not the most beautiful woman and she's not even that hot. Howard made up another name and asked Roger if he'd heard of ''Dutathka Boka.'' Roger said that he'd never heard of him and Howard said he never did either. Howard took a phone call from a woman who talked about getting radiation treatment when she was a child. She hasn't gotten any cancer yet but she wants to find out more about the radiation treatments she got when she was a kid. Roger told her to check out some sites about thyroid cancer because they'll probably have links to people who have had those treatments.
Howard talked about the movie ''Million Dollar Baby'' and how it changed his mind about Hillary Swank. He didn't like her before but now he does. Howard also thought that ''Finding Neverland'' was a good movie as well so he and Roger spent a minute on that. Roger said that Johnny Depp is an amazing actor because he can be in just about anything. Howard read through Roger's Oscar picks and who he thinks will win. The guys ended up talking about Paul Giamatti who was in ''Sideways'' and in Howard's movie ''Private Parts.'' Howard wondered why his movie wasn't rated better because he thought it was great. Roger wrote ''In the Valley of the Dolls'' and he wonders the same thing. Howard thought that his movie was Oscar worthy. Roger said he loved Howard's movie and there's no way he'd ever be nominated for an Oscar because he's so politically incorrect. Scott DePace from E! came in and said that ''Sideways'' was an awful movie and the only good thing about it was Paul Giamatti. He thought that the end of the movie was horrible as well. Howard ended up kicking him out by telling him to go radiate his face.
Howard read through some of Rogers picks for the best movies of the year. He mentioned ''Million Dollar Baby'' and ''Kill Bill 2.'' Roger reenacted a quick scene from a movie so Howard had Artie do his Dean Wormer from ''Animal House'' bit. That led to Roger doing another scene that made Howard want to kick him out. ''Spider-Man 2'' was also on Roger's list of great movies of the year. Howard didn't think it was better than the first one but Roger did. There were a bunch of other movies that were on the list that Howard quickly went through.
Howard gave Roger a plug for his book ''The Great Movies II'' which just came out recently. He then took some phone calls before he wrapped up the interview. Sean the White Rapper called in so Howard asked him to ask a legitimate question. Sean asked him to give a rating on the following movies:
Howard read that Roger gave a bad review to ''Napoleon Dynamite'' which he thought was really good. Roger said that he's going to watch it again because people have told him that it was good. Howard said that some movies are better watched at home. He didn't like Hellboy in the movie theater but he loved it at home. Ralph called in and said that Roger is on a list he's putting together about guys who look better fat than they do thin. He said that Al Roker and Randy Jackson are also on the list. Star Jones is on there but Roger said that he thinks people just got used to seeing them fat so that's why they think that way. Howard ended up asking Roger about what he thought about the movie ''Hitch'' because he seems to think that Roger gives good reviews to all black movies. Roger said that he didn't like the movie. Robin was surprised at that.
Roger told Howard that he went to see Russ Meyer months before his death. He didn't recognize him or even remember that he made movies. The punch line to the story was cut out by a delay hit. Howard told Roger that because he used the T-word for a woman's breast, they probably hit the delay. Howard said that the story was great and it would offend no one but he knows it didn't make it to the air. Howard told Roger that if he did that after the Broadcast Decency bill passes, he'd probably be fined $500,000 personally. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that they did hit the delay on that story because of the use of the T-word. Tom said that the word is one of the 7 dirty words according to the FCC. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard tried to explain the story that Roger was telling him when the delay was hit during the interview. Howard said that this guy Russ Meyer used to have gratuitous nudity in his movies. Roger had gone to see Russ but Russ had Alzheimer's and didn't remember anyone or the fact that he used to make movies. Roger said that the nurse walked in and walked out a few seconds later. Russ leaned over to Roger and said ''No Boobs'' but Roger said that he actually used the T-word for boobs.
Mike Walker was on the line to play his weekly gossip game. Howard said that the Enquirer is moving to New York and they're going to be revamping the magazine. Mike said that they're going to overhaul the whole thing and move back to New York where they started out. They already have a building there in New York so they have the space for their staff already. Mike also said that they have a great talent pool in New York and they're going to have some people from England coming over as well. Howard said he guesses that he'll be seeing Mike over at Scores once he moves up.
Howard had Mike get to his game. Here's how it goes. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Bob is in the latest issue of Reader's Digest talking about how he got over his cancer. He's pictured with his kid and Howard didn't think it was really his kid. Bob said it's really his kid though. Howard was going to play a tape of Chris Rock's mother talking about him for ''60 Minutes'' but he wasn't even sure if it was real or made up. He said the mother talks about the bit Chris Rock does about how there are Black People and then there are ''Nig***s.'' Howard played the interview where Chris' mother talks about how she doesn't want to live next to nig***s and explained what she meant to Ed Bradley. Howard didn't like using the word himself so Artie filled in for him and used it himself. Bob said that Artie isn't afraid to use it and does about 25 minutes of material about that word in his comedy act. Artie told Howard about the bit where he talks about how he was playing basketball and thought about what might have happened if he used the N-word in the game he was playing against a bunch of black guys. Bob said that's a classic bit that's right up there with ''Who's on first...'' Bob said the bit kills... it kills the chance for blacks and whites to ever get along peacefully.
Artie told a story about going out to Aspen to do a comedy gig and Bob told him about a joke he was going to tell but he didn't want to use the N-word. Artie told Bob to watch his act and he'd see what happened when he used the word. Bob ended up skipping the joke because it would have lost all of it's effectiveness.
Bob told Howard that he ran into James Gandolfini out in California and James asked him to thank Howard for everything he's done for him. Howard said that James called him once and asked about the way he handled his divorce but Howard never really spoke to him personally. Howard wasn't sure what he was thanking him about other than the fact that he loves The Sopranos. Bob said that maybe that's what Gandolfini wanted him to thank him for then.
Howard heard a rumor about Robin and the review of the movie ''Hitch'' that she gave a great review for the other day. Howard said that he jokingly said that Robin may have mentioned the movie because it was a Sony movie and she's working for Sony on her new TV show. The rumor was that Robin had interviewed Will Smith for her pilot and that's why she was giving the movie a great review. Robin said that wasn't true and she didn't interview him.
Mark Cronin, who produces ''The Surreal Life,'' called in to tell Verne Troyer's side of the divorce story that Genevieve Gallen told on the show yesterday. Howard wondered why he didn't call in yesterday when she was on the show. Mark said that the show airs 3 hours later so he couldn't do that. Howard wanted to schedule Mark for next week so he could get Genevieve on the phone to talk about that stuff. Mark claims that she came in and demanded money from them the day after they were married. He also claims that the show was going to be all about her and waved her wedding ring in his face telling him that it entitled her to all of that stuff. Mark was talking about how he thinks that she got Verne drunk and dragged him downtown to get married. Howard wanted to hold off on the story until next week so he let Mark go. Bob said that maybe they should do it now and he could just leave. Howard told Bob that he was getting all freaked out for no reason just because the attention was taken off of him for 2 seconds.
Howard wondered how Bob's financial situation is right now because he's got so many kids. Bob said he's doing the comedy gigs and then has a sales job during the day. Howard asked him if he's got anything in savings. Bob said he does have a little. Howard had Robin start her news shortly after that. The guys ended up talking about the prayer session thing that they were talking about early this morning. Robin told Howard that she was in a prayer session on ''The Fresh Prince of Bel Air'' when she did that show years ago. She said that Will Smith was the one holding the prayer session. She did it just so she wouldn't stand out in the crowd. That led to Artie bringing up the hilarious story he told about his bookie telling him that he was going to kill some people while he had a big ash cross on his forehead on Ash Wednesday. Artie said that he called an old friend about that and it brought back some great memories. He said he was on the phone laughing with his friend for two hours that day. Howard gave Bob a few plugs for upcoming dates he has. You can find more information at RobertSchimmel.com.
Ralph called in and asked Artie why he'd let Jason book him for a show instead of letting his agent do it. Artie said he doesn't blame Jason for the misunderstanding, he blames himself. Artie is pretty sure that he's doing Conan O'Brien on Wednesday next week and he usually gets on that show. Artie said that he's been on several awful TV shows and he knows how the tapings go so he has no desire to watch one being taped. Howard said that this woman Rachael Ray has a cooking show and she must really think a lot about herself to invite someone down to watch a taping. Artie said that if his manager had taken care of this, he would have asked him if he was sure he wanted to watch a taping and he would have known what he was going there for.
Howard had Robin get back to her news after that but Jeff the Drunk called in late in the show wanting to take a hit of weed from his pipe while everyone listened. Jeff took the hit and started coughing in his usual way sounding like he was dying. He took a second hit and choked a little more before wishing Howard and the guys ''Bon Voyage.'' Artie said that Jeff has his phone number and leaves him messages asking him to call him back as soon as possible. Howard asked him why he even gave Jeff his number. Artie said he did that because he's a drunk. Howard ended the show around 10:40am.