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Howard started off the show saying that he's a little under the weather but he is there. He started to get sick last Thursday and then got a high fever and had the sweats over the weekend. He said he'll try to do the show today but if he can't make it, he'll just put Jon Hein and Gary on to do the Wrap Up Show a little early. He said this might be the worst he's had ever. Its' been a nightmare for him but he figured he'd give it a try and do the show today. Artie told him he should have just stayed home.
Howard said that the lawsuit from CBS last week was causing him a lot of stress and that didn't help. He went on to talk about how so many news reporters are saying that the CBS case has no leg to stand on. He started to go off on Les Moonves after bringing up an article that was in the NY Post on Sunday. He was about to talk about that but his voice was giving out and he wasn't able to get any hot water. He asked Gary to get on that so Jason came in a short time later with the water.
The guys heard that Sal was going nuts that he wasn't invited to that event and he wrote a letter to Gary asking about why he wasn't invited. Artie thinks that Sal might be out of his mind if he's serious about that. Sal came in a short time later and said that he got a call from some ''Jew friends'' who asked him if he went to the Bat Mitzvah. Sal said he didn't even hear that there was one and he was embarrassed that he works with the guy and doesn't know that. Howard told Sal that he's the person he would never invite to a family function. He's hung around his daughter before and it's really creepy.
Howard told Sal that he's gay about that stuff. Sal said that his Jewish friends love to gossip. He was still amazed that he didn't get invited to the event over the weekend. Howard said he was going to tell Sal that he had invited everyone but him to the event just to freak him out. Robin was the only one from work to be invited though.
Sal told Howard that his friends had a lot of details about the Bat Mitzvah but the details were wrong according to Howard. Sal said that Howard embarrassed him by not telling him about this event because he should have at least known about it. Sal thinks that his boss should invite him to his family events because that would happen if he was working somewhere else. Howard told Sal that he will not invite him to anything.
Robin said that she heard the Howard 100 News report where Sal was talking about how great it would have been to have gone to Howard's apartment to retrieve his jizz tissues. Gary came in and said that Sal was saying that he would have gone through all of his stuff if he had gotten into his apartment. Sal said that would have made for a great On Demand show. Howard said it won't become a TV show because he wouldn't allow them to go up there with a camera.
Howard told Sal that his apartment isn't all that special like Sal thinks it is. He said it's pretty average actually. Sal said that he'd still like to see it though. Jessica Hahn called in and filled in Howard a little more about what Sal was saying on Howard 100 News about how he wanted to rifle through his drawers and stuff. She also told Howard that he should go home if he's that sick this morning. She thinks the fans would understand if he did go home.
Howard told Sal that he should stop thinking about what he does so much and don't rely on other people on the show to define who he is. Sal was upset that Howard said that he was never going to invite him to anything. Howard told him that he will never do that because even his shrink has told him that they can never be friends. Sal said that he's the only one who cares about going to those events and Howard is the one who didn't invite him. Howard told him he cares to much and there's something wrong with him.
Artie said that most people are terrified to be invited to a co-worker's family function. Howard said that Sal would have just watched him the whole night and then reported back to everyone what he saw. He wondered what Sal would not do for him. He said that if they had asked Sal to convert to become a Jew, he probably would have done that.
Richard came in and said that Sal was upset that Howard didn't show up to their sexual harassment class they had last week. Richard told Howard about that meeting and said that they had a video to watch about harassment. While they were talking about that Howard got back to Les Moonves.
Howard read an article about how there's going to be an IPO for CBS Radio and this is the worst time for the company to do that. Howard also heard that Les sold off a bunch of his stock before their losses were announced but he's not sure if that's true or not. He said he has to look into that a little more.
The article talks about Les letting Howard rant and rave for 14 months before he left the company and how ridiculous their lawsuit is. Howard said that they should have fired him if they didn't want him talking about his move to satellite. They let him talk about it for 14 months and now they're suing him over it. Howard said that he thinks that the lawsuit is directed at Mel Karmazin because Les is so jealous of the guy. He didn't even mention Mel's name in the lawsuit and he thinks he did that because he's Mel's bitch.
Howard said that Les will never make it to the top of the company, Tom Freston will. He got back to the article he was reading and the author makes some good points about the lawsuit and how crazy that is. Howard said that those guys never acknowledged him while he was working there. He said he's been up against assholes like Les Moonves before and he will win in court. That article is just what CBS doesn't need.
Henry Rollins was also asked about the lawsuit. Rollins said he thinks the case is bullshit and it's just a vengeful suit. He didn't think that Howard was overly hyping the SIRIUS show when he was on air. He thought that Howard was just talking about what he was doing next in his career. His fans weren't unaware of the move even if Howard wasn't talking about it. Garver also asked Rollins who he thinks is the biggest a-hole in Hollywood. Rollins doesn't know many people in Hollywood so he didn't have an answer. Garver also asked him about President Bush so Rollins went off on him a little bit about getting so many of our soldiers killed over in Iraq. Rollins was also asked if he has watched gay porn. Rollins said that he has seen it but it was just a bunch of guys taking their clothes off.
Howard said that this is just one more asshole battle for him. He's been through other asshole lawsuits in the past so he'll deal with it. He went on to say that Les and his buddy Steve Lehrman probably came up with this case. He said that he's going to give his own stock advice. He said ''don't buy'' and then corrected that to ''Beware'' of that CBS stock.
Howard said he thinks that Les is F'd and we're going to see him fail in the next few months. He's going to be putting the spotlight on Les himself so everyone will see what he's all about. Howard said that Les should be concentrating on the radio division instead of suing him. He said that's some CEO there.
Artie asked Howard if he's spoken to Vinnie Favale from CBS. Howard hasn't heard from him and Robin said that came up last Friday. She said that there's no way Vinnie is calling in now that this is going on. Robin asked if Howard could go on David Letterman's show after all of this. He said that people really hate Les and he's getting contacted by Producers, Directors, talent... They all hate him.
Howard had another Gary Garver interview. Garver asked actor Richard Kind about what he thinks about the case. Richard thinks it's bullshit. Kind also said that he has played poker with Les and Les has taken a lot of money from him. Richard sounded surprised that Garver was doing the interview for Howard and laughed when he was told it was for the show. Howard said that he's getting a lot of support over this whole case and he really appreciates that.
Howard said that he should have brought another shirt with him because he's sweating through the one he's wearing. He said that they're doing the Wack Pack Revelations today. They have a bunch of other things to get to today as well.
Jason said that his mother called him after hearing him talking about this thing on Friday. He said that she didn't appreciate him talking about it on the air so he had them cut that part out. Howard said that there are too many shows about this show and by the time they get to talk about this stuff, it's already over.
Richard came in and told Howard that he's moving into Will and Jason's apartment and he spent about 10 minutes brushing Jason's back hair off the futon he bought from him. Richard said that he was living with Dan the Song Parody Man for a month and he would always find 2 foot long hairs all over the place. He mentioned that he shared a towel with him and had a bunch of his hair in his underwear. Richard also said that Dan cooked him a meat loaf one time and he pulled a really long hair out of that.
Richard asked Jason to show the guys his back hair. Jason lifted up his shirt and everyone was shocked by how much he had on there. Howard asked Artie if he's that hairy. Artie said that he may not be quite that hairy. Ronnie the Limo Driver is really hairy and they used to cut commercial messages into the hair on his back.
Howard mentioned that they have a Wack Pack Show on tonight at 8pm. He figures it won't go well so it should be a one time thing. Tomorrow night is the Miserable Men show with Bob Levy and Shuli.
Gary came in and told Howard that Richard has some scratches on his neck and when he asked him about it this morning, Richard said he got drunk and didn't remember where they came from. Richard said he got pretty loaded this weekend and stopped remembering stuff eventually. He went to Brooklyn to his favorite bar. He said he used to go there even before he lived in New York. He took the subway home and when he does that, sometimes he passes out and sleeps. He has missed his stop a few times.
The guys spent some time talking about how good Phillip Seymore Hoffman was on the show. Howard said he really liked that guy in ''Along Came Polly'' which wasn't that great of a movie. He said there were some funny parts in the movie though.
Gary told Howard he had a clip of Serena Williams he might want to play. He played that clip and Serena called Phillip Seymore Hoffman ''Phillip Seamen Hoffmore.'' Howard also played a clip of Joan Rivers screwing up people's names on the red carpet. Lee Majors came walking down and she had no idea who he was. Gary said that he has to go back and pull audio of Joan and Melissa screwing up names when they did the ''Private Parts'' premiere. The guys spent a few more minutes talking about the Oscars. Richard and Howard liked the bit that Ben Stiller did on the Oscars. Robin said she liked the Wilson brother's bit too.
Howard said that playing music behind everyone as they were giving their speeches was a big mistake. He also thought that Charlize Theron looked like she had another head on her body with the dress she was wearing. Howard had more to talk about with Artie but he had to take a break first.
Gary said that Howard has to get Tim in there to talk about Eric the Midget because he was ready to wrap his wheelchair around his neck. Howard had Eric on the phone a few seconds later. He told Eric that nobody cares about him, nobody would ever give him a show except his dumb channels. He said that Tim calls him enough and he should stop requesting more attention. He said that he's like an endless vortex of need.
Eric told Howard that he needs to know all of the details about going down to do the radio show he's supposed to do. He was worried about working this stuff out but Howard told him that they will make it work. Tim Sabean came in and said that he's done talking to this guy and he's out of his mind. Tim told Howard that he got a voice mail from Eric on Saturday and the guy is being a pain in the ass. He knows that the show is going to bomb and he's really done dealing with Eric the Actor.
Howard heard that Eric is now ''Eric the Idol Expert'' on his Myspace account. Howard told Eric that might be the gayest name he's ever heard. He tried to explain it to Eric but gave up a short time into it. He told him he's fine with that. Tim said that Eric's show is supposed to air on Wednesday night and if he doesn't show up, he's going to fly out there and strangle him. Eric said that he needs the details of where the studio is that he needs to show up at. Tim told Eric to put together a whole list of everything he needs to know so they can talk to him today at around Noon.
Tim told Howard that he's the one who actually told Double A that he could have his own show there so that's where the Wack Pack Show came from. Howard told Tim that he's the boss of the channels so he's the one who puts on the programs. Tim said that he will question anything Howard says from now on.
Lisa G said that maybe they should investigate the people who have pitched ideas to Tim. She also said that they have a new feature tonight called ''Page 69'' that Jason and Will have put together. They'll also get to the Leather Weather Lady report they were supposed to do last week. Howard let Lisa go after that.
Gary said that he and Artie were sitting with Steve Shirippa and Beth and Uncle Junior from The Sopranos. Gary said that Artie turned to him at one point and said it would be great if Howard called and canceled the show today so they could stay up and drink. Howard figured that if he did call the show off, those guys could still come in and do the show without him.
Artie said that he took Dana to the party and they're kind of back together now. Howard asked him how the date went. Artie said that he didn't have sex with her since they got back together. They were apart for about a month and a half or so. Artie said that there was some kissing going on though. He said that the gift bag they got was really cool and Dana was making out with that.
Gary said that there was some cool stuff in the gift bag and he even got some Everlast boxing gloves that his kids can use. Lori told the guys that everyone gets a Netflix account that they can use for a year for free. Howard said that Ralph got him that as a gift but he hasn't used it once. There are a bunch of gifts in the basket that people have to call and request. Howard said that Beth won't do that so those gifts go to waste. Lori said that those things are great but you have to call to get them.
Howard told Lori she sounds kind of like that chick on ''Friends'' who dated Chandler. He asked her to say ''Chandler Bing'' to see how much she sounded like her. She sounds very much like her actually. Gary told Howard about some of the guests who were there and a lot of them were people who were popular back in the 80's. Gary said that he spoke to Kurt Loder, Richard Belzer, Fran Drescher and Billy Baldwin among others.
Gary said that every time Dana had to go to the bathroom, three people had to stand up to let her out. Lori was looking for tables for people last night so when they'd stand up, she'd ask them if they were leaving. She was looking to seat Billy Baldwin at one point. Howard asked her why they don't get a bigger place. Lori said that they like to keep it intimate and that's why they keep it small.
Gary said that Lori looked good last night and dropped some weight since the last time he saw her. Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Lori. He checked out some pictures of her and said she does look good. Howard wondered if Gary got the ''good'' gift basket or the lesser one. Gary said he got whatever he got and it was fine. Howard gave Lori a plug and said that she works for Flying Television and she puts together those parties.
Howard wondered if Gary and Artie got the same gift basket. Artie thinks he did get the exact same thing that Gary got. Gary said he thinks that he may have gotten a lesser basket than some people did. Howard said that there were probably people at the party who wanted to see Gary just as much as people wanted to see model Iman and people like that.
Howard said that Dolly Parton looked a little strange on the show last night. Gary said that her face did look a little odd last night and she appears to have become Asian with her face pulled back to tight. Howard said that Ben Stiller was funny, Dolly Parton must be near 80 but Fred said that she's only 60. Howard said that he wouldn't do her these days. Artie said that you can always get through banging an ugly chick if she's got huge tits though. He said it gives you something to concentrate on. Howard agreed with him and said that's the key to banging ugly chicks. He said you just concentrate on one good looking part of the woman and look at it while you're banging her. He said you just focus on that and go.
Howard said that Sandra Bullock looked horrible last night and said that her makeup looked bad. He admits that he's not one to pick apart people's looks looking the way he does. Howard interrupted that and saw that King of All Blacks had gotten another show and wondered how that made it on the air. Howard said that Mutt is doing a great job on the Super Fan Roundtable show that airs on Thursday night. The Intern show is on Wednesday. They also talked about the Friday Show and how hard Ralph is actually working on that show. Gary said that Ralph has a lot of input on that show and it's kind of jarring because he's never been so involved. Artie said that Ralph got into a screaming match after the show last week and that will air on Howard 100 News because they're the ones who recorded it.
The guys gave Howard a note about something that appeared on The Drudge Report about how Les Moonves and Joel Hollander were on Howard's show, just weeks before it ended, telling him how great the move to satellite was going to be. Howard said that Les has no idea how to motivate the radio division and he's probably going to have Joel Hollander take the fall for that. Les is just a program director and Howard says that's all he can do. He said that he's a lightweight and all of this stuff is going to come crumbling down in the next few months.
Howard read more of the Drudge Report article and said that they have audio up on the site so people can hear Les and Joel talking to Howard about his move. Howard said that this is going to bring Les down and if people think he's kidding, they should just listen over the next few weeks.
Howard read another article about how bad CBS is doing in the business right now. He said that Les isn't listening to anyone and he really thinks that he's a CEO when he's really just an actor playing the part of a CEO. Howard played an audio clip of some Wack Pack members giving them some feedback about the CBS lawsuit. Wendy the Retard, Jeff the Drunk, Daniel Carver and Eric the Midget all chimed in and gave their thoughts on the ridiculous lawsuit. Howard said that Eric the Legal Expert sounded pretty good in that clip defending him. He said the whole thing is all so silly. He knows that Les is going to bring himself down by doing this. He also said that Joel is the biggest lightweight on the planet and he's probably going to take the fall as well.
Howard talked about Les and Joel sit in meetings with their ridiculous tans and fake teeth just slurping at the teeth and acting all smug... He said that his lawyer told him it wasn't a good idea to even meet with those two before the lawsuit came down. Howard said he really hopes this whole thing backfires on them. Robin said she can't imagine it not backfiring on them. Howard said that his next book should be called ''Les Moonves is an asshole'' or it should have at least one chapter with that title. He said that Les has the same shitty attitude that Pig Virus (Pat Metheney) had when he was working at WNBC. The guy has no clue what he's doing and has no business sitting in the CEO chair.
Robin figures that CBS Radio will go the same direction of NBC radio. Howard said he guarantees it will, and the person who buys up those radio stations is the one who is going to make out in the deal. Les has no ability to run a company and this lawsuit is just the beginning to show how it won't work. Howard said he can't wait to see Les go down and then called him a ''prick ass'' which didn't even make sense to him. He said he's just throwing words together now.
The guys spent a few minutes talking about Les and Joel. Howard thinks that both of them are going to be out of a job soon and we may be surprised by who goes first. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that Les is spending the stockholder's money on this case and he doesn't even think about that before filing the suit. Howard moved on to the Wack Pack after that. He said that Double A is drunk off his ass and has been out in the hall complaining while he's been there.
King of All Blacks came in wearing a mink coat and looking thinner. King said that he lost 42 pounds. High Pitch was there and hasn't lost a pound but Eric said that he has lost a pound. Eric said that he weighs about 290 pounds but Gary told him to step on the scale to prove it. Howard couldn't get over the noise coming from the wireless microphones. Someone was also breathing heavy and all fingers were pointing at High Pitch. King of All Blacks said that Eric was doing that out in the hallway. Double A said that he's been dealing with Eric all week like that.
Double A was drunk on Kettle One and orange juice. He showed Howard his new tattoo of the Howard Fist logo. Howard heard that Double A was complaining about not being able to get through on the phones. Double A said he's tired of hearing interns telling him that they don't have enough phone lines and kicking him off. Double A's mouth was all dry so he was making all kinds of weird noises and slurring his words.
Eric mentioned that he got to drive Double A's truck one time and he ended up in a snow bank. Eric doesn't even have a driver's license. He never took driving lessons. Howard said they should take him out into the desert and let him drive so they can see how he does. Howard then said that they have to have him take a real driving course to see how he does.
King of All Blacks said that he's been going to Weight Watchers and that's how he lost the 42 pounds. He said he's very focused and he's been concentrating on the dieting. He's done that in 16 weeks. He goes to the meetings every week and talks to the group about how he's been doing. King told Double A that he's losing his hair and goofed on him about that. Then he picked on him about the yellow gold he was wearing. He said that yellow gold is over and Platinum is in now. Double A was bragging about his diamonds and gold but King wasn't impressed. Double A went off on him about the shoes he was wearing but King bragged about his $9,000 mink coat. King also let Howard know that he just lost his 43 year old brother to cancer. That's one of the reasons that he's losing weight.
Double A gave King a ''Wah, wahhh'' over his brother story. The two of them got back into their arguments about the clothes, shoes and jewelry they wear. Howard had to cut them off so he could move on to some other people. Howard asked Eric and Double A what their Wack Pack show is going to be about. Double A said that they're going to bring some regular people into the Wack Pack world and take phone calls and stuff like that. Eric said that they're going to continue to drink all day so they're drunk tonight.
Howard moved on to Kenneth Keith Kallenbach who was in to reveal his revelation. Kenneth is doing stand-up comedy these days. Gary said that they had him booked for next week to do some of that act so they had him do some of it today. Kenneth told a couple of jokes and said that he was told to watch his drinking, so now he drinks in front of the mirror. He had a couple of clunker jokes but he did get a few laughs from King of All Blacks. King had a joke of his own that didn't go over very well.
Howard said hello to Captain Janks who said that he loves that all of the Wack Packers hate each other. Nicole Bass was on the phone because she was in the hospital after suffering from pancreatitis. She said she got that after getting beat up by the cops a few years ago.
Howard moved on to the revelations and had Sal read them off to remind everyone what they were. Here they are...
Double A said that the mother of a friend of his was really hot and she had him watch her bang her husband. He said he watched her blow and jerk the guy off which freaked him out. He said that he had never had sex himself but he watched this chick do that every Friday for weeks. Robin asked him why he went back if it bothered him so much. He said that it just freaked him out. Howard cut him off trying to move on but Double A insisted on getting the story out.
Howard asked the guys if they believed this story at all. No one was believing it. Double A said that the woman's husband eventually got a job and then he showed up and there was no husband there. She was there naked so that's when he got to bang her. He said she told him that her husband wasn't there so she was going to do the same thing to him. He said that she went down on him and then he went down on her. He didn't get freaked out by it when he did it and started to look forward to it. He said that because of that, he treats girls like whores. The guys said that's because the girls he's with are whores. Howard said he wants to see all of these girls that are banging Double A. Artie said he does have hot chicks around him.
Double A's mouth was dry so he had while crap in there that was moving around according to Howard. Howard cut Double A off again and said that King is getting some man boobs now that he's losing weight. He wanted to move on to the next story but Double A insisted that he finish his story. He started to tell the story but it was going on too long and Howard cut him off and said he doesn't care. He said he's never heard a more mind numbing story. He said that people might as well turn off their SIRIUS radios when their show comes on tonight. Howard said they're going to force him to listen to FreeFM tonight.
King told Double A that the white stuff in his mouth made him look like he was eating flour. He also goofed on his jeans. Howard cut them off and had Sal read the next revelation which was ''I once put a wrapped cigar up my ass while having phone sex.'' That turned out to be Kenneth Keith. Ken told the guys how that happened about 15 years ago when he was having some phone sex with some woman. He said he even brought along some cigars this morning in case they wanted to see him do it again. Ken said that he was drunk when he did it. Howard told him that's very gay and he doesn't have to do that if he doesn't want to.
Captain Janks said that he talked to Ken about that a couple of weeks ago and told him that talking about that would be very gay. Janks also said that Ken told him a story about how he once chased around a German Sheppard trying to have sex with it. Ken said that it was his own dog and he was drunk. He also said that he's never actually had sex with a dog. Howard found that hard to believe.
Sal read the next revelation which was ''I once got drunk with a friend of the same sex and tongue kissed.'' Everyone knew that it was High Pitch Eric and they were right. Eric said that he went to sleep away camp when he was a little kid. Eric then said that when he was about 21 years old he and his friend got really drunk and they measured each other's penises. Eric said that his was bigger. His friend told him to close his eyes because he had a surprise for him. That's when he was kissed by the other guy. Howard said they have to try to get this guy in the studio to see how heinous he is. Howard found out that the guy even played with his penis and finished him off. Eric said that the guy didn't kiss his penis but he did kiss him on the face. Eric said that the guy kept pleasuring and measuring his penis, that's when he finished off. Eric is a big homo, that's what his revelation was.
Gary asked Eric if he's ever had any other gay experiences. Eric swears that he hasn't and Howard believed that because no man would want to touch him. He said that was the first good revelation of the morning. Eric said that he didn't finish off the other guy but he did play with his penis a little bit to get him hard for measuring.
Sal read the next one which was ''I once ripped off my blind neighbor. His uncle gave $200 but I gave the blind guy 2 $10 bills.'' The guys figured that it was King of All Blacks. Howard said that he couldn't live with himself if he ever did that. It turned out it was King and King said that he felt really bad after doing it. He said that he didn't even want to reveal that but it was a good revelation. King said that he bought glasses with the money because the glasses were $1,100 sunglasses. King said that this guy's uncle doesn't talk to him so he gave him the money to give to this blind guy. King said that he gave the blind guy two $20 bills instead of the two $100 bills that his uncle had given to him. Howard told him that maybe he should go give the guy his money now. King said that maybe he'll do that. They know it won't happen.
Howard told King that there are core values that define a human being. He said that honesty is his first value. King said that he was being honest by revealing this story. Howard asked him what his core values really are. King said that he knows that he's too materialistic and that's one of his problems. That eventually led to Double A and King of All Blacks going off on each other. Double A was calling him names and getting kind of racial when he said that he's a typical black guy ripping off the white man.
Howard wanted to move on with the final two revelations but King and Double A were still going off on each other. Double A was telling the guys that his mother won the lottery and she helped the family start a business which they sold a few years ago. Now Double A is retired and very proud of that.
Howard moved on to the next revelation which was ''When I was 18 a close family member put me on a plane to deliver 4 kilos of cocaine.'' Howard figured it was Janks but some of the other guys figured it was Nicole Bass. Howard also found out before that one that Captain Janks was the one who said ''I once made out with a former staff member's wife.'' Janks didn't say who it was but he did say that it was the wife of someone who was on the staff and sat in the studio with him every day. He said there was tongue when it happened and other people did see it happen. Janks said that he never said anything because he was afraid that he would never get on the show again. He said that Gary was standing there at the event they were at and he thought he saw the whole thing. Janks said it was at an event that they were at and it wasn't that long of a kiss. Howard said that would be the worst thing ever to find out that you wife made out with Captain Janks.
Nicole Bass was the one who was put on a plane with the 4 kilos of coke. She told the guys about how her mother was dying from cancer and how her family had gotten into selling drugs to make some money to pay for the medical bills. Howard said that Nicole is the last woman that you'd want to plant drugs on. Nicole said that she was playing the part of a pregnant woman and managed to get on the plane no problem. She had the four kilos taped to her and she was very nervous the whole time it was going on.
Nicole was getting a little long winded and Howard asked whose idea this was because no one really cares about any of this stuff. The guys said that they should have stopped after High Pitch Eric's revelation. Howard thanked everyone for coming in. The guys were still talking about Nicole and how she looks very manly and how she would be the last person you'd expect to believe was pregnant. Nicole said that she was only 18 at the time and she looked like a tall model back then.
Gary said that King wanted to talk to Artie real quick. King told Artie not to let any woman change him. He was referring to Dana asking him to go to therapy. King told him that he should get a woman that he can mold to his ways instead of the other way around. King said that he would kick her out if it was up to him. Howard let everyone get in their plugs for their stuff before going to commercial break.
Howard said that when he was in school he learned about racism because whether you're a black kid in a white school or a white kid in a black school, if you're the minority, you get your ass beat. He talked about how he got beat up back then and yet he doesn't believe he became racist because of that. Robin asked him if he gets shaky if he walks alone and sees black people walking toward him. He said he gets shaky when he sees any strangers walking toward him. Artie asked him if he gets a little more shaky when black guys walk toward him. Howard said he's a mess either way.
Jon Hein was in to give a preview of the upcoming Wrap Up Show today. Jon said that they'll be talking about the Oscar Party that Artie and Gary went to. They're going to have the Wack Packers come in to talk about what was going on when they were off the air. Jon said that they'll be talking about what would have happened if Howard didn't make it through the show today. Howard said that they should just have Jon do his thing with Gary if he's ever out sick.
Howard said that he knows that Beetlejuice's manager Sean is feeling better these days because he's started to write the hate mail again. He's apparently upset that Beetlejuice doesn't have his own radio show while all of those other Wack Packers do. Howard said that he was wishing that Sean would get better and it's obvious now that he's fine because he's sending in mail like that. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
At the end of the segment Tyra talks about how she would like to go undercover to help other people out. Howard suggested that they get her to go after Osama Bin Laden and had Gary take a quick note so he could send that to her. Howard also played another clip where Tyra was talking to a guy who was addicted to strip clubs and claimed he spent over $100,000 at strip clubs. Howard doesn't get what the big deal is. If guys want to go and talk to strange women who pretend to like them, let them do it.
Howard had to take a break during Robin's news because he was afraid he had to take a dump. He said he was hoping to wait until he got home but it looked like he wasn't able to hold it that long.
Neil also has to put catheters in guys so Artie told a story about having a catheter put in him one time and he almost punched the guy out who put it in. He said that he had overdosed and was really out of it until the guy put the thing in his dick. That snapped him right out of it. Artie said that the warned him that he might see blood in the days following the removal of the catheter. He said that it was the worst pain he's ever felt.
Howard found out that Neil can make $30 an hour as a nurse which is pretty good. Neil said that there's a lot of job security being a nurse too. He said that there is a lot of money to be made as a nurse when it comes to the overtime. Howard wrapped up with Neil and had Gary take him to continue his tour.
Gary told Howard that he asked his son the other day if he wanted to go to McDonalds. His son wants nothing to do with the place and it turns out his school showed an edited version of ''Supersize Me'' and it turned him off to McDonalds. The guys spent a couple of minutes on that before Robin got back to her news.
Howard asked Artie if he would take that catheter they were talking about or give Fred a hand job. Artie said he's not doing anything gay so he would rather take the catheter. He said that the story might change if a bunch of guys walked in with AK-47s but for now, he's sticking to that story.
Howard was wrapping up the show and ended up talking about the fever he's had all morning. He said he almost passed out during the Wack Pack Revelations staring at High Pitch Eric and Double A. That got the guys talking about Eric's revelation and how he was messing around with the other guy. Howard said he was about to throw up so he ended the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show singing a song along with his show opening tune that he couldn't remember the name of. Gary came in and told Howard he thought it as Crystal Water's ''Gypsy Woman, She's Homeless'' who sang the song. He told Fred to try and look it up to play it. Fred found the song and played it for Howard. Howard said that he's not sure why it's in his head because he knows it's a gay song.
Howard said that he still isn't feeling very good. He got hit last week and it won't go away. Robin said that Bubba is having the same problem and he's feeling like crap as well. She's wondering if he's having a sympathy illness toward Howard's.
Robin was on Bubba's show yesterday so she talked a little bit about that. She said she was asked who she would rather sleep with, Bubba or Brent Hatley. Robin said she picked Bubba over Brent because Bubba is the one who would get her attention. She said that she really wouldn't want to be with either one because they're not the greatest looking guys. Howard said that Bubba would probably make up for it when he goes down on her. They talked about how Bubba makes reference to making girls squirt and both Howard and Robin said that they're turned off by that.
Gary said that Artie is a guy's guy and he doesn't have to change for his friends, but Dana is asking him to go to therapy. Howard and Gary talked about Artie for a few minutes and Howard figured he must be on his way in. Howard said that Artie is being forced to choose between his old life and having a long term relationship with Dana. Ralph is the kind of guy who chose to have his own life and not to get married. Howard said that Ralph is happy without a regular woman in his life but some guys can't live like that.
Howard said he spoke to one reporter about the suit and told him that this is going to expose Les for what he really is. He was on WireImage.com recently and saw some pictures of Les at some event with his wife Julie Chen. He doesn't seem to care that CBS Radio is crumbling while he's in charge.
Howard said he'll be on the Hannity and Colmes show after the radio show today. He said he hasn't been able to shake this fever he's had for over 5 days now. His friend Pat called him and told him he should be going to the doctor to get checked out. Howard said he just lets the thing run it's course instead of going to the doctor. Robin said that's what she did and made it through just fine.
The caller said he knows that he's missing out on the swearing and stuff. Howard said that he's not swearing all that much himself but Artie is cursing up a storm. The caller said he heard that Fred had some issues with the sound board but Howard let him know that he's been getting better with that.
The caller brought up Fred's almost-breakup with his wife from many years ago when she was appearing in a play where she was getting dry humped every night. Fred said that they were close to breaking up at the time and had been for a while. That led to Howard asking Fred how he pulled that all together because he's never asked him about it.
Fred said that he was talking to Sam Simon about that and how marriage therapy isn't all that great. Fred said that you really have to be dedicated to that stuff to keep it all together. The caller brought up the commercial that Beth is in now. Robin had just seen it the other day and didn't realize she was in it. Howard said that she should make some good money from that commercial once the residuals start rolling in.
The caller asked Howard about his sex life with Beth so Howard spent a minute talking about that but he wanted to move on with the show. The caller asked to be put on hold so he could listen in. The guy wanted to listen for free so Howard told him to just go out and buy the radio already. Then the caller said that he heard that Robin has been acting more like a nig*** lately. He said that's what his friend has been telling him anyway. Howard told the guy that he's also become more ''kikie'' since they got there. Howard let that guy go and was about to take a break.
Robin said that the show ran well with Double A in charge but there really wasn't anything being said. She said that Jeff the Drunk was there yelling over everyone so they had to shut off his microphone especially when Tabitha Stevens called in.
Howard said he's been thinking about what to do with his channels there at SIRIUS. He said that one person told him that he bought SIRIUS because of him and nothing else. He doesn't want to hear the news or any of the other shows that air on there. He wants Howard to just rerun his show all day long because he has to get in and out of his car a few times a day. Howard said that's not the first time he's heard this. Robin said that's what she's been hearing from people as well. People just want to hear Howard's show.
Howard is trying to figure it all out so everyone is happy. He didn't want to just repeat his show but if that's what people want then that's what he may have to do. He thought that it would be too easy to just replay the shows but that seems to be what people want. Howard said he was trying to give people a full experience with the other shows but some people want more of a mystery with some of what goes on behind the scenes.
Howard said he hates listening back to his show so if he was listening to that all day, he'd go nuts thinking about what he could have done better. The fans seem to want the show all day long though so that may be what he has to do. He said he's not going to make any rash decisions. He went to break a short time later.
Howard played Wendy's voice mail where she's all stuffy and coughing into the phone as she told Howard she loves him. Howard remembered another call where she threw up into the phone. He asked Fred to find that.
A phone caller took a call from a guy who said that he went to see Jerry Seinfeld up in Boston recently and Jerry was bad mouthing Howard. The guy said that Jerry was asked about Howard and he said that the people who do the show are people who are having career problems and that the show is the last branch on the way down the tree. Howard said that's basically true and Jerry did the show back when he was having problems getting people to watch his TV show.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Jerry's history with the show and how he stopped coming on after they made fun of him for being with a 17 year old girl. Gary said that Jerry never appreciated or enjoyed doing the show. He was booked on the show by a publicist and he did it just for his own show. Howard said there was no love from Jerry back then. He said that they do wave to each other and say hello when they see each other though. Robin said that Jerry has a funny life and he should be willing to talk about it.
Howard said he thought that Jon was good as the show went along because he came in with comments about what was going on. He went on to talk about how someone must really hate Jay Leno at the Academy because he's never asked to do the show. Howard said there must be some kind of story there because he's the kind of guy you'd expect to see on a show like that. Letterman was asked to do it and did it one year. Leno hasn't done it.
Howard said that Leno has a huge audience with his show and yet he's not being asked to do the show. Jon Stewart doesn't have as big of an audience as Leno or Letterman but he was asked to do it. Howard changed subjects and said that there was something very gay going on there at the Oscars. He said that when Jake Gyllenhal was accepting his award, the cameras went to his gay-movie boyfriend, Heath Ledger. That's a very strange thing for them to show according to Howard.
Howard brought up Jennifer Aniston and all he could think about was how she was dumped by Brad Pitt. He said that's all he can think about now that they've broken up. Howard thought Lilly Tomlin looked great at the awards. He said that George Clooney seems to be Mr. Hollywood these days because everyone was talking to him and giving him a shout out. Jennifer Garner was very fat and shouldn't have been there according to Howard. Robin said that she just had her baby, she hasn't had a chance to lose the weight.
Howard liked the part where they showed the sound effects and showed just how many sounds go into those movies. Howard also liked the segment where they showed all of the people who died this past year. Howard said he was kind of surprised that Richard Pryor didn't get more applause than he did. Don Knotts was left out of the death list so Howard figured he'd be mentioned next year. Bob Denver was also left out of the list. Chris Penn was on the list and he died this year so it didn't make sense that Don Knotts was left off.
Howard said that he thought that John Travolta's toupee looked very strange. He had an afro wig on and it made him look very odd. Jamie Foxx seems to be a very self conscious guy and he mumbled something about the 36 Mafia guys during his speech. Howard said that John Travolta looked like Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter with the afro wig he was wearing.
Howard said that he saw a picture of Les Moonves kissing up to John Mellencamp at an Oscar party and he wanted to tell Mellencamp to stay away from him. He said that Les must have stinky breath with those giant caps of his. He said he was really disgusted by that whole thing.
Howard said that Artie confessed to Gary why he went to the Oscar Party on Sunday. He played some audio from the show where Artie explained to a caller why he actually went. Artie said that a publicist that was hired for Beer League told him he should go so he can get some press. Howard said that it's the publicist who thinks that Artie can get some notice and sell some tickets to the movie. He said that's not going to sell one ticket.
Howard said that Beth is the only one who got her picture in the paper from that party. She didn't get one of the better gift baskets from the party though. Howard said that she should have gotten the good one because she's the only one who got any press.
Howard said that Cliff's mother was on Howard 100 News the other day saying that Cliff didn't have a cleft palette and she couldn't fix it even if she wanted to. Cliff said he thought that it was hard to believe she'd say something like that. Howard said that a cleft palette can be fixed and Cliff's mother just didn't bother to fix his. Howard has questioned his mother about that before and wondered why she never got him fixed.
Howard said he'd like to get Cliff's mother on the phone so he could ask her about it. He asked Cliff if his mother got her hair done and stuff like that. He said she did so Howard figures that she could have skipped stuff like that to get Cliff's cleft palette fixed.
Gary came in and said that he has an Artie update. He said he didn't check his messages this morning and it turns out that Artie is sick with the same thing that both Howard and Gary had. He decided to stay home instead of coming to work like Howard did.
Howard asked Lisa G to come in to talk about the Cliff Palette thing. She came in a short time later and said that Shuli did a story about Cliff and his mother. She didn't know exactly what she said though. Shuli called in a short time later to give them an update. He told Howard that Cliff's mother told him that he didn't have a cleft palette. Shuli said that his friend thinks that Cliff has a paralyzed tongue because it doesn't move when he's talking.
Howard asked Cliff if he has a hole in the roof of his mouth. Cliff said he doesn't have one and he actually just has a speech impediment... So that's what's really going on. His mother wasn't lying, she really couldn't get Cliff fixed. Shuli said that Cliff's mother is a really nice person too. Cliff kind of likes the name ''Cliff Palette'' and didn't want to lose it if it came out that he didn't have a cleft palette. (He used to be known as Lispy Lynn). Howard asked Cliff what's up with his tongue. Cliff said the muscles in his tongue don't work.
Howard said he's really mad at Cliff now that he knows this because they have gone off on his mother for not getting him fixed. Howard felt bad about the whole thing and said that Cliff is the one who has to apologize to his mother for doing this to her.
Howard said he's taking away the name Cliff Palette. He asked him what his real name is. He said it's Lynn so Howard told him his name is now Pinnochio. He's shocked that the guy lied to him about all of this. Shuli let Howard and Robin know that Cliff is in the hospital because he has a couple of aneurysms above his kidney. Cliff said that he's pretty weak right now and has lost his appetite because of what's been going on. They had to put a catheter in his penis so Howard said he wouldn't even be on the phone if he had one in.
Howard asked Cliff about what it was like to get the catheter put in. Cliff was saying that the nurse had to get him a little aroused so she could get it in there. Robin said that's not what they do though. Fred was doing an impression of Cliff that was pretty funny. Howard was still kind of bummed that Cliff has been lying to him all of these years. Gary said that he was actually trying to raise money for an operation to get his cleft palette fixed so he wondered how far Cliff was going to take it. Shuli said he was blown away when Cliff's mother came out and told him that he didn't have the cleft palette thing.
Howard played Cliff's karaoke version of a Bon Jovi song. The guys spent a few more minutes talking to Cliff about his sex life and stuff like that. Cliff said that he will get a hooker once a month or so but he can't get other chicks. He thinks he'll be okay with the kidney problems.
Howard told Cliff he hopes he's feeling better and said that he's going to stick with that name since that's what they know him as. He said he has lied to him all these years about the cleft palette and that's kind of weird. Shuli said that they should put a hole in his mouth just to teach him a lesson. Howard said they could create a hole to stash his stuff... They could call him Stash Hole. Gary told Howard that Lynn used to be known as Lispy Lynn so Howard asked Cliff to say that name. He can say that about as well as he can say Cliff Palette.
Shuli told Howard that in one interview he did with Cliff, he was crying. Howard wanted to hear that so he asked the guys to pull that up so he could listen to it. Robin wondered why he's not on any of these Wack Pack shows. Howard told him he can come down anytime he wants.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Cliff's revelation would have been a great Wack Pack Revelation. She had a few words to say about Les Moonves before Howard hung up on her.
Gary said that he had some news too. He said that the IRS is going to start taxing gift baskets from the Oscars because they're worth so much money. They spent a short time talking about that before Howard had to take another break.
Howard read a note from a fan who wanted him to post some public domain pictures for them to use in their Howard Stern Film Festival movies. Doug Goodstein came in and said that he's also sick and has been for the past 6 days or so. Howard asked him about the public domain stuff and Doug said that they're not going to be posting anything like that. He suggested just impersonating the people you want to put in your movie instead.
Howard mentioned the segment they had yesterday where Tyra Banks was talking about going undercover at a strip club. He played some of that audio and talked about what a whacko she is. Then he played a bit they created where they had a Tyra impersonator talking about going undercover to find out why men like blow jobs so much.
Hansy called in and told Howard that he e-mailed Tyra and told her to do some investigative reporting over in Iraq. Howard told him yesterday to tell her to go find Osama Bin Laden, not to go to Iraq. Howard played a little more of Tyra's strange undercover report about the strip clubs.
A listener called in and told Howard that he doesn't have a lot of money but he's able to scrape up the money for his SIRIUS radios. He said he's got five of them and that guy who called in earlier should be able to find the money too.
Howard spent a short time talking about the CBS lawsuit again and how even Jack Thompson, who tried to get him off the air, is backing him up in the case. He said that means a lot to him.
A caller told Howard he had a Top 10 List of Subjects Howard will never talk about. The guy started to read the list but it was really lame. Howard cut him off and the guy told him that Will said it would be great. Howard thought the guy was pretty wacky.
Howard said he was talking to a reporter yesterday about Les Moonves and pointed out that he started out his career as a bartender at The Improv. The reporter said that everyone has to start out somewhere so Howard pointed out that Les tries to cover up his career and has changed his resume so he doesn't show that kind of stuff on there.
Howard said they had a Black History Moment to play. In this bit we hear Marconi (Sal's Uncle) creating radio and then tuning in to hear Cousin Brucie, then tuning into Out Q. Then Marconi has to go to the bathroom and when he comes back, his radio has been stolen and it was the first stolen radio. Marconi blamed the black man for stealing it.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Howard's news team should have been on top of the Artie story this morning. He also thought that Shuli dropped the ball on the Cliff Palette story this morning but that made no sense because they found out about Cliff thanks to Shuli.
Bobo called in and asked Howard if he has to foot the bill for this lawsuit that CBS has filed. Howard said he does have to foot the bill and it's going to cause him and his family harm. He said that he's being personally sued by this Les Moonves guy and it's a personal vendetta according to his lawyers. Howard said he's had an Attorney working on this for a while now and the Attorney says that this is a frivolous lawsuit that he shouldn't worry about. Howard spent a couple more minutes going off on Les and said that he's going to be looking into his life to see just what he's up to.
Another caller told Howard that he was watching Bill O'Reilly the other day and a woman was talking about how frivolous the lawsuit is. Howard actually had some tape from the show the guy was talking about so he played that for everyone. They talked more about that lawsuit and then the caller told Howard that he's been loaning his SIRIUS tuner out to friends and once they hear it, they go out and buy their own. Howard said that is a good way to sell the radio because people just need to hear it for a day and they'll love it. They're actually thinking of holding a contest to sell radios. Howard let the guy go so he could get to his guest.
Howard had some microphone problems so he asked for an engineer to come in and fix the microphones. They tried to fix it during the interview. Howard said that you can hear a lot of noise from the microphones. Gary said that he hasn't said anything to him off the air so nothing has been done to take care of the problem yet. Howard said he's been complaining about this a lot on the air so they should fix it. Gary doesn't hear the problem but Robin and Fred both said that they hear it.
Howard told Gary that he doesn't know the answer for what they need to do, they have to have the engineers figure all of that out. Gary said that he's going to handle it off the air. Sal went in Gary's office and got on his microphone and goofed on him a little bit. A few seconds later we heard Sal saying ''Owww, OUCH!'' as Gary was kicking him out of his office.
Howard got back to Michael Dowd and asked him how long he was a cop. Dowd said he was in there for 10 years and he became a dirty cop pretty much right away. He said he was asked to lie on a report for a friend so he did that. After that he would accept free drinks and pizza which is just a stepping stone for doing more stuff according to Dowd. Howard asked him when it really started to get bad. Dowd said that once you get comfortable with your surroundings you start to do more stuff. He said you see how the system works and then you want to start doing things differently. This was back in the 80's that he's talking about and things have changed a bit since then.
Dowd said that he wanted to make some extra money so he would do things that were kind of dirty. Howard wanted to hear about the sexy things that he did when he was a cop. Dowd said that he could get blow jobs in his radio car if he wanted. He would have friends who would do that stuff for him.
Dowd said that there was one burglary he went to and the woman told them that her mother kept in the house and actually stole that money to give to a partner who was pissed that he didn't steal $11,000 from a previous call they were on. Dowd said that this was probably the lowest thing he could have done.
Howard wondered how they ended up with him on the show today. Michael said he's working on a book and wanted to bring that up. He's also trying to get some stuff produced as a movie. Howard thought that Michael wouldn't be allowed to profit from his crimes but Michael said there was no crime. When Howard asked him about the money he stole, Dowd said that if he knew the name of the woman, he'd give her the money back. Howard said he's kind of confused by this interview so far.
Howard read that Michael would get blow jobs from prostitutes at lunch time when he was on the job. Michael said that those are the women who would give him oral in his car because he worked with them each day. Dowd said that the big thing he did was running a drug empire. He was also making money on car insurance scams.
Dowd said that he was making about $10,000 a week with the drug thing. Howard said he read that Dowd got caught because he forgot to pick up his regular cop paycheck. Dowd said that he didn't need that $500 check when he was making $10,000 a week. He wasn't a very good criminal. He ended up doing time for 12 years and he regrets everything he did. He said he upset his family with all of that and he's not happy about that.
Howard read that Michael and his partner used to swap wives and stuff like that as well. Michael said that he the partner also helped to get him convicted. Michael said he and his partner were split up for a while. Dowd went to rehab for a while and he ended up with another partner in another precinct. He told Howard that he eventually got caught and sent to prison where he ended up going nuts from being in protective custody.
Howard said that Michael was a tough interview. There was more to his story but they just couldn't get it out of him. Gary came in and tried to help by bringing up some of the stuff he read about him in his notes. Dowd said that he doesn't have all that much money now and he's back living with his parents. He makes money doing some carpentry and from the literary agent that he's working with.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he used to be a cop and never did anything crooked like this guy did. Dowd said that's why that guy is still a cop. Gary asked Michael if he did work for the mob when he was in. Michael said that the mob was involved in the car insurance scam he was involved with.
Dowd said that most cops aren't dirty like he was. Howard took a call from a guy who said that this guy ruined the whole NYPD when he got caught doing this stuff. The caller said that he hopes that this guy got ass raped in jail. Dowd apologized to him and said that he didn't get ass raped. He said he served his time for 12 years so anyone who doesn't like that can go fuck themselves. The caller said that the guy doesn't deserve the money he could make from selling a book. Dowd and the caller went back and forth for a short time. The caller asked Michael how his parents didn't realize what was going on with him. He said he used to tell them that he was making good moves selling houses and flipping them for good money.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that this kind of guy is the reason that the young gang bangers out there think that all cops are dirty and they should be allowed to kill them. Benjy saw a note about how Michael was paid $4,000 a month for phone sex. Michael said that was true and she just sent him the money each month. Benjy was wondering if he's trying to cover something else up by saying that's where the money actually came from. Michael said that wasn't the case. He said he couldn't turn down that money even though he had another woman on the side.
Howard took a call from another guy who said that this guy is a scumbag. He said that he's a cop in the city and this guy really did ruin it for all of the cops in the city by doing what he did. They're constantly being watched and it's because of this guy. Dowd said that this all went down back in 1992 so he's not sure why he's taking the blame for what's been going on in the department since then.
Rev. Bob Levy called in and asked the guy if he still has his gun so he can blow his own head off. Levy said that he has a lot of friends who are cops and this is a bunch of bullshit. He didn't sound to thrilled with this interview.
Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later. Dowd apologized to the guys who were complaining about how tough their jobs have become because of him. He said he just wants to go on with his life and put that stuff behind him. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said he felt like he was going to puke today and he's dying from the heat. He asked the camera guys to shut off his lights because there's nothing to record now. He said he has to wait for Sean Hannity to show up today because he's going to do the interview with him after the show.
Howard read that O'Reilly did send authorities to the guy's house just because he mentioned Olberman's name. Howard read the article and it sounds like O'Reilly is making a bigger deal out of the calls he's getting than he should be. Gary wondered what the shock jock reference had to do with. Howard said that it may have something to do with people like Captain Janks who call in and prank call them.
Howard said that you can't contact authorities when you have a call in show. Gary said there's one guy who calls a sports call in show all the time and they always threaten to call the authorities on that guy but he keeps calling in.
Howard had Rosanna on the phone a short time later. He apologized for being sick and almost canceling on her. He also told her that he used to beat off to her so Rosanna said that she's breast fed twice since the days when she was in movies topless. Howard had to clear his throat in the middle of that discussion so he made some very odd noises trying to clear it up.
Rosanna was going to tell Howard about the stuff that might make him better but Howard said that he's already been getting advice on what to eat. Howard asked Rosanna what she's wearing right now. She said that she's actually naked and in bed. He asked her if she's still hot. She said she thinks she is for her age. He went on to tell her how hot she was when he first discovered her in movies. She would get naked no problem. Rosanna said that her parents were pretty free and she used to go to nudist colonies when she was a little girl. She also used to smoke pot with her father when she was very young. She said that she's a much different parent than her parents were.
Howard said that he gets the feeling that Rosanna's sister Patricia is always pissed off. Rosanna said that she works very hard. Howard also asked her if she hangs out with her brother David and his wife Courtney Cox. She said that they are very close family and do hang out all the time. Howard said he can picture Rosanna and Courtney getting it on. He started to get into that and created the image of what might go on between them.
Howard asked Rosanna about dating a guy who was 33 years old when she was only 15. She said she was actually 16. Gary said he read that her mother was actually going to abort her but the abortion clinic she went to was illegal and got raided so she wasn't able to do that. Rosanna said that she still believes in a woman's right to have an abortion though.
Howard said he can't imagine what it must be like to have sex with Rosanna. He figures she must be great. Rosanna changed the subject and brought up her Showtime special ''All We Are Saying'' which airs tomorrow night on Showtime. She said that it's a documentary that she made where she interviewed a bunch of people in the business about what's going on with the music industry.
Howard asked Rosanna if she was fully shaved. She said she's not and she doesn't like that but she would let Howard shave her down if he wanted to. Rosanna said that they've actually met before. She said they met at the House of Blues one time and he was in the middle of his divorce at the time. Both of them were single at the time so they could have gotten it on. Howard said he had his daughter with him at the time so he couldn't do anything. Rosanna said that she's probably too old for him. Howard told her that if she still looks like Rosanna Arquette, he'd still do her. She said she doesn't believe in that Botox stuff because it's pretty freaky.
Irish John called in and asked Howard if he remembers that she was in Pulp Fiction and she looked so hot in the movie. She thanked him for that. John also said that she was great in ''Desperately Seeking Susan'' and asked if Madonna was a pain in the ass to work with. She said that she was fine back then.
Howard gave Rosanna another plug and wrapped up with her. Benjy interrupted and said he found a picture of Rosanna through Google Images where her ass looked amazing. Rosanna said that picture is from just 2 years ago. Benjy found that hard to believe but she swore it was that recent. They also found a picture of Alexis Arquette who is now dresses up like a woman. They talked about him for a short time and Rosanna was referring to him as a ''she.''
Howard was telling Rosanna what he would do to her and said that he would burn her nipples with cigarettes. He was just kidding and said that he would be really gentle with her if he had sex with her. He also said that he would bang her sister Patricia right in front of her. Robin said that he would then move on to Alexis so he could bang all of the sisters. Howard told Rosanna that if Beth ever breaks up with him, he's going to call her. He thought back on that night when they met and figured he should have done her that night. He said he probably could have used his finger on her that night if he had given it a try.
Rosanna asked Howard if he's not on TV anymore. Howard told her that he's got his own channel now (Howard Stern On Demand). He also told her about the film festival he has going on right now. She said she might have to make a documentary on him. Howard invited her down and said that they can make a porno movie together.
Howard asked Rosanna how tall she is because she might be too short for him. She's only 5'4 1/2'' tall. Howard said that's too short but he would bang her, he just wouldn't bring her out in public. He said she'd have to be 5'9'' tall to go out in public.
Howard broke the news to Rosanna that Dana Reeve had passed away. She didn't know that and felt really bad about that. She used to baby sit their son because she worked with Christopher in a movie one time. Howard asked her if she was so upset that he needed his consoling. Rosanna's door bell rang so she had to get running after that. She was being picked up to go somewhere. Howard let her go and gave her another plug.
Howard said he was hoping to get some rest before Sean Hannity comes in but the interview with Rosanna went a little longer than expected. He went to break after that.
Howard read off some of the other things on the list and some of them included...
Jon Hein previewed the Wrap Up Show and said they'll be talking about Artie not showing up this morning. Howard told Jon that he should be talking to Gary about why he didn't think to check his messages when he knows that Artie calls in sick sometimes. Gary said it wasn't on his work voice mail, it was on his cell phone and it didn't make all that much sense to him. Jon said that maybe Gary figured that Artie would have called him on the regular line.
Jon said they'll be talking about Michael Dowd and also about learning that Cliff Palette doesn't have a cleft palette. They'll also be talking about the Seinfeld discussion they had earlier in the morning. Howard wrapped up with Jon and George and let them go.
Howard started off the show playing a clip of this Dial-a-Prayer thing that he heard about. Artie said he had never heard about it before now. Howard said that Sal knows that he's on the ''Les Moonves is an Asshole tour'' so he called the Dial-a-Prayer thing and cried as he told the woman that he wants to pray for Howard Stern during this CBS lawsuit. He hopes that something bad will happen to Les Moonves and he burns in a car crash. The woman on the phone said that she had to wrap it up after that. Sal then said that he wanted to pray that Les gets cancer in his balls and the woman hung up on him.
Howard said that whole thing is a bizarre concept because some broad on the phone is praying for you. He said she didn't even say anything all that profound during the call. Artie said that it's just another way to exploit retarded people.
Robin asked Artie when he started feeling good enough to come in. Artie said he isn't feeling better, he just loaded up on the meds and came in. Howard said he was so mad at Artie yesterday because the dirty cop was in and Artie was supposed to help out with that. Howard told Artie that the guy, Michael Dowd, is so soft spoken that he had to switch microphones. Then it was almost like he didn't want to talk about it when he was doing the interview. Artie wondered why he would come in at all if he didn't want to be interviewed.
Howard told Artie it would have been great if he could have shared some of his dirty cop stories. He also said that there were some e-mailers who were upset that he had that dirty cop on. Other cops are pissed that he'd give him any publicity at all.
Artie told one story about a guy he knew. He said this cop was a middle man for a bookie and he would show up at his door while he was on duty. He would ignore his radio as he was talking to him. Artie said that the most retarded internal affairs guy could figure out what he was doing by just following him to his house. He said that the guy did end up getting busted for running the bookie business because it turns out he was actually the bookie, not the middle man. Artie said that the guy gave him a phone number to get to him and it was actually at the police station! He called in and he'd hear a beep which was the line being recorded. Then he found out that the guy had a whole language to use to place a bet. That line was only supposed to be used for emergencies.
Artie told another story about a guy he knew who was a cop for about 6 months. He pulled over a hot chick because the guy would only pull over hot chicks. He said that if the chick wasn't as hot as he thought, he'd let them go. This one chick was a little drunk when he pulled her over. The cop asked her how far from work her house was and then told her that she could either walk to work for 6 months or take care of his kid, which was his penis. That guy ended up getting busted about 5 years into his career.
Artie said that he and Frank Sebastiano actually have an idea for a new movie called ''Son of a Cop'' which would be about a dirty cop. He went on to tell another story about a cop who was having sex with a chick on the roof of a building and a criminal ran right by him as he was being chased by another cop. That cop stopped and asked the sex cop what he was doing. Artie said he's heard a bunch of stories from a friend of his who was a cop and he'd like to use that guy as a consultant on the movie.
Howard said he really wishes that Artie was there yesterday because he could have helped out with that interview he did. Artie said that he might be able to get that friend of his to call in. He said that the guy actually considered fleeing to Europe at one point. The guy claims that he made about $300,000 one year after only making about $35,000 as a cop. Artie said that this kid is so funny and entertaining and can tell the stories in a really funny way. He said that he would trust the guy with his life because he is a loyal guy.
Artie said that the guy can be really funny when he's one on one with him but in front of a crowd he's not that great. Howard said that's why he has to have him call in. Artie told another story about this cop friend who picked him up one day and told him they were going down to Atlantic City. They were drinking and doing blow in the car and doing about 95 MPH down the highway. They got pulled over and the cop just stuck his badge out the window and the other cop just let them go.
Artie said he may be able to make up for missing the show yesterday by having this friend call in. He said there were some other stories about cops who play tricks on each other. There was once a story about some cops who called and said that there was a kangaroo loose in the streets of New Jersey. They ended up going and shooting the shit out of a fake kangaroo that some other cops had planted in the snow.
A cop called in and told Howard about how he and his partner were out in Arizona listening to the show. He said that the reason the cops go dirty is because the pay is so low. The guy asked to play a game but Howard had nothing going on today so he told him to call in next time he plays a game. Artie gave him another story since the guy thought they were so funny.
Artie said that his friend took him on a drive one day and decided to mess with some prisoners that were going to be transported. They pulled up to the prison and four enormous black guys got in the truck. His cop friend put in a cassette tape and said ''I hope you niggas like Zeppelin...'' It turns out they hate Zeppelin. Artie said that they drove around for about 2 hours torturing those four guys. He said they had to listen to the rock music from the 70's and they were like 19 year old kids. Artie said they actually ended up becoming friends with those guys.
Artie said that it was so funny when his friend pulled that tape out and said that line to those guys. He said they were blasting that Zeppelin album during the whole ride. Howard was playing some of the Zeppelin album that Artie's friend was playing that day. They goofed around with that for a short time and Artie said that was just the tip of the ice berg.
Howard moved on to the game and played a clip where Richard Christy asked Daniel Carver what some black slang terms meant. Here are some of the questions and Daniel's answers...
Howard had a few more of the Daniel Carver clips to play. Here are the rest of the slang and Daniel's answers:
Howard said that Judge Napolitano over at FOX news thinks they did that as a personal thing because they knew that it was a sore spot for him. The judge told Howard that he could win a case in his court if he brought that up. Howard said that Les is a guy who told him that he did a great job there at CBS and then turned around and sued him. The suit is very personal and it's very obvious.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's never seen Sean Hannity be so gentle with a guest before. Howard said that Sean has to deal with management himself so he knows what he's going through with this crap. Robin said that Hannity knows that the same thing could happen to him some day. She also said that she doesn't like Hannity's politics but she did like the interview he did with Howard. The caller Howard had on the line told Howard that his father was amazed when he saw Les' teeth on TV the other day.
Howard told the guy that he should go to WireImage.com and look up the name ''Les Moonves'' to see how ridiculous Les and his wife look together. He said that he saw that the head of Viacom, Sumner Redstone, was hanging out with Tom Freston and it seems that those two are getting closer so he may just replace those guys over at CBS.
Howard said that yesterday he had some makeup put on before doing this interview but he had the woman do it very quickly because he was sick and sweating like crazy. He said he got out what he wanted to say about Les and that worked out pretty good even though he was feeling so crappy.
Howard said he wanted to get the word out to the business people who watch FOX so that's why he did Hannity's show. Howard pointed out that CBS is no longer the great company it once was now that Les Moonves is in charge.
Artie said that Howard may have been sick but that interview came across as one of the best he's done. Howard told the guys how much he's been sweating now that he's sick and he soaks through his clothes. He said he doesn't even have a temperature but he is sweating like crazy. Robin said that's the body's way of breaking the fever, by sweating.
Howard said that he was losing the feeling in his left arm, which is the same thing Artie is experiencing. He said that he was going to wake up Beth and go to the hospital but then he figured that if he was having a heart attack, it's time to go. He figures he'll be fine because there's no history of heart problems in his family. Robin said that Howard would rather die than fight through a cold. Howard had to go to break after that.
High Pitch Eric and Mariann were talking about Howard's lawsuit and he thought that was pretty bad. Mariann was saying that Howard is sick because of the suit but he said he's probably just sick because he's sick, like Artie is. Tabitha Stevens called the Wack Pack Show and Jeff the Drunk started to go off on her but they kept turning his microphone off so you couldn't hear him.
In another clip Mariann was talking about how she didn't like Stuttering John because he wouldn't let her on the air. Howard asked Robin how she could listen to that show. Robin kept telling him that she loves hearing Double A trying to be a host and Jeff the Drunk falling off his chair.
Howard said that the Artie stuff was prompted by Gary. Gary didn't check his messages before the show so they didn't know that Artie had called in sick. Howard said that he told Gary that he might want to check his messages before assuming that Artie is missing and getting people worried about him. Gary figured that Artie could have e-mailed him but Artie doesn't use e-mail.
Lisa said that there's going to be a caravan of people heading down to Baltimore for the grand opening of Scores so they're going to be doing a report on that. Howard said he doesn't know how some of those guys get away with this stuff. He knows that Ronnie's wife lets him do that stuff but his friend Ross just got married and he's not sure how that guy gets away with it. Gary said that he's going down there too so he and some of his buddies are going to go down there in a van.
Gary said that his friend Frank is going to drive them down there. Ronnie is going to head down tomorrow night so he won't be working there on Friday. Howard said that he's actually working on Friday though. Ronnie said he's hosting a press conference tomorrow night so he has to be down there. He's actually getting paid to do that but he used to do it for free.
Howard went off on Ronnie a little bit about not working there on Friday. Ronnie said that he has that covered and he'll have his guy Mike in to cover for him. Howard had Lisa get back to her preview so she quickly wrapped that up.
Howard said he might have to hire Judge Napolitano to fight his case for him. Howard went on to talk about how personal this lawsuit has gotten. He figures that it's Les Moonves, Joel Hollander and Steve Lehrman who came up with this suit and they're all pissed at him because he left the company.
Howard was going to play some audio clips from the Sean Hannity interview he did but he had some problems figuring out exactly what he had to play. Gary wasn't aware that he had the whole interview to play so he told Howard he didn't think they had the whole thing, he thought they just had clips. JD came in and said they did have the whole thing though. Gary said he didn't make up an answer like Howard thought he did. Gary tried to explain himself but Howard didn't want to hear it. Fred was playing some Baba Booey song parodies while he was talking to him. Then Sal was giving Gary a hard time in his office so Gary said that he wasn't going to deal with that.
Howard told Gary that his fault is that he feels that he has to give an answer when he really doesn't have an answer. Gary thought that he was looking for a longer clip that what he saw on the page on his computer screen. Howard said that he doesn't know how long the clip would be so he can't just scan it like that and know the answer. Robin and Howard ganged up on Gary and told him he was wrong but Gary refused to accept that.
Gary said that Howard was just wasting time and gave him an F-you which Howard didn't understand. Gary thought he was just wasting too much time on this and he should move on to playing the clips.
Artie said that he wanted to hear the whole interview because Howard got right into the CBS lawsuit but then asked Hannity if he's ever done coke and stuff like that. Howard played the first clip where we hear Hannity talking to Howard about CBS' lawsuit. Howard was giving his thoughts on what's going on with the case and how CBS is bullying him. Howard said he thinks that Les has been botoxed because you really can't read his face. In the interview Howard went over pretty much the same stuff he's gone over on his radio show in recent days.
Artie told Howard that he should play the part where he's breaking Hannity's balls. Howard played a second segment where Hannity was asking Howard about his anger and what he's going to do in response to this. Howard said that his Attorney told him not to talk about what they're filing but he thinks that there should be a counter suit. He had the papers from the lawsuit where CBS claims that Howard kept his SIRIUS deal a secret but Howard said the deal was all over the news back when it was announced. Hannity played a tape of Joel Hollander and Les Moonves coming on his old radio show and telling him how much they appreciated him and how they had both purchased SIRIUS radios themselves.
Howard said that the interview was very good and this is the reason he's going nuts. Everyone out there is saying this case can't go anywhere and he loves it. He played the final clip where he asked Hannity about doing drugs and stuff. Hannity quickly moved on and ended up talking about the radio business with Howard for a short time. Howard was also talking about therapy and how he was never really a happy person in the past. Now that he's gone to therapy, he does feel that he's a happier person. He started going so he could become a better father. He said that he doesn't want to get lost in his work again so that's what he's worked on in therapy.
Howard said that was the whole interview as it ran last night. He thinks that this ''I Hate Les Moonves tour'' that he's going on will be great. There will be a second part to the Hannity interview that will air tonight. Artie said that Hannity promoted it as being some personal questions that Howard doesn't answer. That led to the guys talking about how they don't really believe that there's a god, but Howard is afraid to say that, just in case there is one.
Howard said that if there is a god, there's no reason for him to take someone like Dana Reeve who is leaving behind a 13 year old son. That kid has now lost both parents in the past 2 years. Howard said that he had no idea that so many people get lung cancer and don't even smoke.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he would consider settling with CBS. Howard said he won't give those guys a cent so he won't be settling with them. He said he's not going to let them off the hook so easily. He tried to work things out with Les and Joel but they insisted on filing the suit. He said that both of them were very smug and Les enjoyed watching him squirm. The caller wants Howard to reveal to his audience how much he eventually gets if he sues those guys. Howard said he may not be able to do that though.
Howard said he has a lot to think about with this case because those guys have stepped over the line in a lot of ways with this lawsuit. It's probably going to turn out to be a bigger case than anyone expected. He took another call from a guy who told Howard how great the SIRIUS Starmate is. He said he leaves it on when he goes to bed and when he wakes up in the morning he can rewind 45 minutes to hear what he's missed. The caller was also saying that he listened to a little bit of Mancow the other morning and the guy was goofing on Howard. Howard said that Mancow is one of those strange impersonators who wanted to be him. He said he didn't even know this guy but Hannity did ask him about it. He didn't have a good answer on the air with Hannity but he went home and thought about it when he got home. Howard remembered that Mancow had sent him a box of excrement and one of their interns actually opened the package and found it. Howard said that excrement can spread disease and the poor intern is the one who found it and that was just wrong. The guy was a coward and that was the only way he could get his attention.
Howard said that Mancow would shit himself if he confronted him in person. He said that the girl who opened the box probably could have filed a lawsuit against him if she wanted to but she said she'd be fine. That's when Howard got on the air and went off on Mancow's father on the air. He said that his father was probably glad he was dead because his son was a Howard Stern impersonator. He talked about Skull f'ing the dead father and also fisting him. Mancow is still complaining about that to this day. Howard said that if he caused him any pain... good. He said he'd still like to f-his father's dead skull.
Howard said that Mancow once sent one of his guys up to the studio to crap in his studio. Gary caught wind of that so he was going to stop him from doing it. Howard said he told Gary to let the guy in and let him go for it. The guy showed up in the lobby and Howard confronted him out in the lobby. The guy was a bald fucker who freaked out when he confronted him. Howard told him to pull down his pants and crap right in front of him. The guy ran to the elevator and as he was waiting for the elevator to open, he apologized to him. Howard went off on Mancow a little more and said that's what he couldn't remember when Hannity asked him about it yesterday.
Gary said that Mancow also sent a dead cow's head through the mail and another intern opened that up. Howard said that he got a note from that guy recently too and the guy just can't forget about him. Howard said the guy is very consumed with what they're doing on satellite now.
Howard said he read an article about how SIRIUS may not be selling as many radios by this June as he is now. Those are the same people saying that his move to satellite would never pay for itself but he already proved that wrong. Howard said that it's not just going to go away. He said that people are going to buy new cars and they'll have the opportunity to get satellite radio and people will remember that he's on SIRIUS and get the option. The ''Howard Stern Effect'' is not going away.
Some e-mailers liked Robin on Bubba's show the other day. There were some people who hated the interview Howard did with Michael Dowd the dirty cop yesterday. Howard also got some mail from some people who think that Artie wasn't really sick. The writer thought that Jackie treated himself even worse but he was always at work. Howard thought about it for a short time and said that Jackie was in pretty bad shape. The guys talked about what a mess Jackie was and tried to figure out who was worst.
Howard said it was a tough call but he thinks that Artie drinks worse than Jackie did. He also thinks that he eats worse than Jackie did even though Jackie ate a lot of crap. Jackie also smoked pot but he thinks that Artie treats himself worse than Jackie did. Howard said the tie breaker is if Jackie ever had some guy jizz on his chest.
Howard read some feedback about what he said about Richard Pryor not getting much respect at the Academy Awards. He took a phone call after that and the guy told a story about a fireman who got caught having sex with a sheep at a house that he was called to. Howard said he can't imagine having sex with an animal and what kind of state of mind you'd have to be in to do that. He said he's been pretty hard up for pussy in his life but he's never even thought about having sex with an animal. He said that the worst part is getting caught doing it though.
Howard had to go to break a short time later. He said that they had Norah Vincent coming in to talk about how she dressed up as a man for 18 months and got away with it.
Howard said that his daughters were all very girly when they were little so he figures that they're not going to be lesbians. Norah was telling Howard that her first sexual fantasy was about Olivia Newton John. She said that she thought about being strapped to a conveyor belt surrounded by topless woman with blood red nails who were tickling her as she went by. That fantasy came when she was a very young girl. Howard said that he remembers having a dream one time where he was Honey West being tied down to a bed. Artie said he used to really get off on chicks who were strong like Pippi Longstocking. He said he would actually jerk off to that kind of thing when he was a kid.
Howard didn't get the Honey West thing but figures that it had something to do with jerking off. He said that he learned about this whole fetish thing from Nicole Bass the body builder who told him about the Schmos who like to get yelled at and beat up by chicks. Artie thinks that he had Schmo tendencies when he was a kid because he wanted Pippi Longstocking to beat him up.
Norah said that she was writing for the LA Times so Howard figured that she must be pretty smart. She says that she's really not though. Howard got back into the lesbian thing and asked her when she started acting out sexually. She said that didn't happen until she was in college. She dated some guys back then but she only had sex with one guy. Howard asked her if the guy's penis was black and blue after that. She wondered what that meant so Howard told her that he had a friend who had sex with a lesbian one time and she wasn't able to get wet for him. His friend came home one night and his penis was black and blue after he tried to bang her. They found out a couple of years later that she was a lesbian. Howard said the funny thing is that guys will go in there even if it's that hard.
Howard talked about Norah's disguise and how she ended up creating her beard. She explained how she bought some special glue and used some chopped up hair to create her stubble. She said that she would dress up quite often and go to bowling nights and stuff dressed up as a man. She did her man voice for Howard. She already has a low voice so it wasn't too hard. Howard said the hard thing for her was to stop talking so much. Artie then asked her how she learned ''how to shut the fuck up'' because chicks always like to talk. She said that she had to hold back from talking and talking baby talk to little puppies and stuff.
Norah said that she became almost invisible on the street when she was dressed as a man. No one pays attention to other guys walking down the street. Howard said that being a man can actually be more dangerous because other guys want to fight over anything.
Norah used to wear a fake penis so it would look like she had one down there. She would use the men's stall in the bathroom if she had to go while she was out as a man. Norah said that she actually picked up a woman, when she was dressed as a man, and the other woman actually didn't care that she was dressed as a man. Norah said that actually happened on 3 separate occasions. She told Howard about how one woman told her that she's actually into chicks but she would never consider dating women.
Norah said that she had to be careful making out with other women because her face was very sticky from the glue she used. She said that dating was like hell and it was tough to find women as a man. She said that she was rejected a lot and they treated her like dirt. She said that being a woman dating another woman is a completely different experience.
Howard told a story about going to a party when he was a little kid and all of the girls at the party were rejecting him even though they were fat. He said that they didn't even get to know him. He said he figured he had a good personality but that didn't help either.
Robin said that she was walking through a mall the other day and a guy told her that he would get her number if she was 10 years younger. She said that the guy could have just complimented her and kept moving but he had to go and insult her. She also said that she wouldn't have given him her number even 10 years ago.
Norah said that she eventually told her bowling partners that she was a woman and one of the guys didn't believe it until she showed him her tits. She said that the guy told her that he was going to be f'd up for life because of that. She said that most of the guys in her bowling team were okay with what she did by fooling them. Howard said that he would be angry if he found out something like that. She said that she's actually good friends with one of the guys on the team.
Norah said that she learned some interesting stuff about men when she was dressed up as one. She said that women will never get what it is about men that makes them want to go to strip clubs. She said that they're not as threatening as most women think they are. Robin said that she's seen Howard in action at a strip club and he knows that the girls are lying to him but the guys just don't care.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Norah if she would prefer to be a man or woman if she could choose. She said that she would stay a woman. Another caller told Norah that one of Howard's favorite movies was ''Just One of the Guys'' which is basically Norah's story. Howard said that he really did like that movie and got to hang out with the chick who played the lead in that movie. He said that it was a great day that day too.
Howard told Norah that she should get Ralph Macchio to play her in the movie version of her book. Howard asked her if she ever had guys calling other guys names like ''fag'' and stuff like that. She said that some of the guys actually thought she was a gay man but they never called her names in front of her.
Howard gave Norah a plug for her book ''Self-Made Man : One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back'' and said that he's reading it but he's just at the beginning of it right now.
Artie asked Norah who she think is funnier, guys or chicks. She said that men seem to be funnier because they're willing to say things that women wouldn't say. Howard wrapped up with there a short time later and went to break.