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Howard started off the show talking about how giving a SIRIUS radio is probably the best Christmas gift around. He went on to say that he's doing Letterman, Conan and now Jimmy Kimmel this week. He's doing Jimmmy's show via satellite on Friday. Artie said they're going to be thrilled over there at Kimmel's show because they're such huge fans.
Howard said he doesn't want to be doing any of these shows because it causes him agita. He's not sure what to talk about so maybe he'll talk about Ed Bradley's funeral. He may also talk about going to Bryant Gumble's apartment on Saturday night and met Gayle King, Oprah's friend. He said she apparently hears anything that they say about her on the show. Howard said he sees why Gayle is Oprah's friend because she is kind of fun. He said he had a nice conversation with her and now he's thinking of stealing her away from Oprah and making her his friend.
Howard mentioned that George Takei was sitting in this morning so he had him do a little bit of an announcement since he is the official announcer of the show. After that Howard asked George if he's jealous that William Shatner's game show might be a hit. George doesn't seem to mind. Howard that he's thrilled that George is going to be on ''Heroes'' playing Hiro's father. George said that started in late January. He's shot 2 episodes already and has more to do. He speaks only Japanese in the show.
That led to Howard playing a clip from Imus' show where he says he's got a great hour coming up and then goes on to talk about the Jewish management at CBS were bitching at him about some guests he had on. Imus said that the Jews were furious that he was having the Blind Boys of Alabama on his show so he had to convince the ''money grubbing'' Jews that they were good guests.
Howard said that there's no management in a meeting that tries to convince him not to have guests like that on. He said that Imus is full of shit. Howard said that Imus sure is a hero and a brave guy going up against the money grubbing Jews. He called him an ''anti-semitic piece of shit'' and a ''mother fucking racist.'' He went off on him about that for a short time.
Artie said that he's watched that show and it's like watching an old-age home because everyone on there is ancient. Howard said a friend of his saw Imus in a Starbucks one morning and he was wearing his cowboy hat with his boots and his Methuselah looking face. Howard and the guys were goofing on Imus and his cowboy costume. Howard said that he really got into that so maybe some day he'll get into dressing like a medieval night.
Howard said he wanted to hear about Artie going to Los Angeles this weekend. George said that he heard he was in town but didn't hear from Artie. Artie said he'd give everyone the details they wanted to hear later.
The woman said she's 25 and she doesn't have anyone in her life other than her parents. She's in a depression that she just can't get out of. She's on medication but it doesn't seem to be working. She's a student so Howard told her that she has to get out in the real world to get out of that depression. Patricia said she's in med school right now. Howard said that's crazy, she's going to be making tons of dough some day when she gets out.
Howard said that maybe Patricia doesn't want to be a doctor and that's what the depression is about. She said she's actually enjoying that though and it's the one thing she does enjoy.
Patricia said that she has an apartment but she's living off of student loans. She said she's been suffering through this depression stuff for her whole life and she's not sure where it comes from. She said she turns on Howard's show during the day to help herself out though. She really likes that they're replaying the shows all day long.
Robin said she saw George dressed up as Santa on some show recently. George said that was on Jimmy Kimmel's show and they had people trying to guess who he was. George said that Mary J. Blige knew who he was. Howard interrupted and said that Patricia is on the phone talking about killing herself while George is talking about his career.
Patricia said that she hasn't gotten laid in quite a while. Howard told her that she might need to get laid to cheer herself up. He said that he always cheers Beth up when he bangs her. Howard asked her if she's fat. She said she's not. Artie said she must be one of those student doctors who looks like Giselle Bundchen.
Artie told Patricia that Paxil worked for his depression. He said that different things work for different people though. He suggested that she go to a shrink that will prescribe that to her. She said that she's on Zoloft right now but it doesn't seem to work for her. Howard told her to call them back in 2 weeks and let them know how she's doing. She said she would do that. Howard let her go and said he hopes that she'll be okay.
Howard said he walked into this party and saw Gayle talking to some people and figured he should watch what he did. He said then Beth told him that Spike Lee was there too. He said it was like walking into a mine field. He's had some negative things to say about Spike as well. He talked about how bad some of his films were but he has enjoyed a couple of them.
Howard said he went to Bryant Gumble's house because he's met him and his wife a few times. He said people have weird reactions to him too. He felt good that someone was inviting him to this party at their home. He said he's really well behaved at parties. He also said he's fun but Robin asked him about that and he took that part back.
Howard figured that Gayle hates his guts and would want to kill him. He said she eventually came up to him and said hello to him. He said that they had a nice conversation for a few minutes. Then Gayle said that some of the shit that he's put out about there about Oprah is kind of crazy. He said that she brought up something he said about Oprah that he didn't remember saying. He told her that he does 5 1/2 hours of radio a day and he has to fill the time and there are many victims of his conversations. He's not sure if he ever said what Gayle said he said but he wasn't going to deny it because he didn't remember.
Robin said that if she was there she would have told Gayle that they speak Oprah's name and don't bad mouth her. Artie said he would back pedal if he was in that situation. Howard said he told Gayle that he just says lots of shit. She wasn't even arguing with him, it was just a conversation.
Howard said Gayle also brought up the Ed Bradley funeral since Howard had gone off on her about that. She said she just walked in and went where she wanted, she wasn't stopped. Howard said that was fine then and he didn't feel so bad about it.
Howard said Bryant has a really nice spread at his apartment. He talked about the screening room he has and how he watches his games in this big room of his. The guys talked about how long he's been on radio and how much money he must be worth.
While Howard was in the screening room Al Roker walked in. He said that's another guy who he has a problem with. He said that the room was dark because they were watching a movie in there and then he has Al Roker walk in. He said he doesn't have a problem with Al but he has goofed on the guy in the past. George Takei said he finds Al to be charming. Howard said he finds him to be milk toast.
Howard said he shook Al Roker's hand and said hello but Al walked right out of the room after that. Howard couldn't remember what he had said about him but Robin had some examples. She was ready to fill him in but Howard said he knows he's talked about his weight and stuff like that. He used to come on the show years ago but after he had his stomach operation and lost weight, that may have turned him. Artie said that guy is ''Mr. Nice'' and no one goofs on him.
Gary came in and said that there are people like that out there who don't get goofed on, except when Howard says something. So Al has a perfect life other than Howard goofing on him. Artie said that they live in a world where they make fun of people they love by calling them Monkey and making fun of people being sick and stuff like that. That led to Fred playing a new Baba Booey Christmas song parody.
Howard said that he walked out of the screening room after Al did. Gary said that Al used to love their show except when they started talking about him. That's when he turned on them. Howard said that some people can't take it. George Takei said he loves being on the show even when they goof on him. Howard said that's because he has a good sense of humor.
Howard said he thinks that George feels much more free now that he's come out of the closet. That may be why he has a good time on the show. George said that even his boyfriend Brad has become a celebrity. He said that people come up to them and want to talk to Brad more than they want to talk to him. Gary asked a dopey question so that led to Fred playing another Baba Booey Christmas song parody.
Howard asked George if he ever made fun of gay people to fit in with straight people. He said he never did anything like that. Howard thought that Gary had walked out of there kind of upset that they made fun of his question. Gary told him that he just didn't get it out right and he wasn't upset. Meanwhile Sal was holding a big ''MacHine'' sign over his head.
Howard got back to the party discussion and said he told Beth that he didn't introduce her to him because he doesn't like him. Then he said he saw Spike Lee at the party talking to Gayle King but he refused to go talk to him. Then Beth told him that Kelly Ripa was there so he had to go say hello to her. He went over and talked to her about the Clay Aiken thing again. He said that even she seemed to get bored talking about that. She was over all of that by that point. He told her that he was going to talk about that on Letterman this week but she told him he didn't have to do that.
Howard and the guys talked about Clay Aiken not coming out of the closet and even George said that it's like neon flashing lights around him saying that he's gay. George said that a female thing is gossiping and a male thing is being the strong, silent type.
Howard said that after talking to Kelly Ripa they left the party. They were kind of tired after that. He said he doesn't really get invited anywhere. He said no one even invited him to a New Year's Eve party. Artie told him that about 3000 people from Philly would like to see him at the show he's doing on New Year's Eve.
Robin asked George if he's heard anything about this guy David Gest who married Liza Minelli. Robin said he's on the English version of ''I'm a Celebrity, Get Met Out of Here'' and he seems to be a very manly man. George was saying he thought he was in ''the club'' but Howard said no one is sure about that.
Howard said he asked Artie some hypothetical questions about Artie having a gay kid and he picked a midget over a gay kid. Artie said he thinks that a kid having no feet would have an easier life than a gay kid would. George told Artie that all he needs is to have the love to help him with his confidence. Artie said that George had some tough times in his life. George said it was tough but it wasn't horrible.
Howard had some more hypothetical questions to ask Artie. He asked him ''Gay son or son with low IQ.'' Artie said that he would rather have a gay son. Howard said they had a new Artie this morning compared to what they had last week. Howard asked Artie if he would rather have a deaf kid or a gay kid. Artie said he'd pick a gay kid over deaf. He wants the kid to be happy. He said if the kid was gay he would embrace that and make him feel good.
Howard asked Artie if he would rather have a gay son or a kid with Tourette Syndrome. Artie picked gay because Tourette Syndrome is so brutal. Howard asked George if there was such a thing as a straight pill, would he take it. George said he would not take that because he is who he is. There's a whole lifetime of him being like that and it has made him what he is today. He wouldn't change that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him if he thinks he gets invited to these parties because they want Beth there and not so much him. Howard said that could be the case and Beth does get him out of the house once in a while.
Fred said he had just dropped off his daughter at school and was on his way home when they caught him. Howard had the video so they showed Robin since she had missed it even though she watched that show. Fred said hat he didn't know what show that was until JD sent him a note where he congratulated him on that appearance. Howard said he gave him a good lesson there because he gets pissed off when he sees a camera out on the street. Fred said he did think about telling them to fuck off and walk across the street. Howard told him he did good by doing that though. Howard told Fred he was great on that show.
Howard is only miserable when he has to do Letterman and those shows. He said that Scott Greenstein apparently said that he went to his agent and asked him why he wasn't out promoting. He said that they have Jay Thomas out there making phone calls to their best subscribers asking them to buy more radios as gifts. He played the clip he had of one of those calls. Artie said he heard another one and he'd like to get that one on tape.
Howard said that he's been buying Stilettos as gifts this year and he really thinks that they make great gifts. He said they come with content unlike an iPod. Howard said he bought like 200 of these SIRIUS Stilettos as gifts. Howard said that someone pointed out that Fred is the one who reads all of the mail but he never lets negative mail through about himself. That person forwarded some mail to Howard about Fred so he could read what Fred has been blocking.
Howard read through some of the positive mail that Fred lets through about his tattoo. The fans told him that his new tattoo is very nice and very well done. Fred said that he got 2 negative e-mails and one was about not having color in it and the other was about how white trash it is to get a tattoo. Howard read through some of the other positive e-mails and they were all very positive.
Howard had a ton of feedback about Fred's tattoo and it was all very nice stuff. He read the not he got from this mystery person there how was afraid to come out and say who he was. Then Scott the Engineer came walking in and said that he found it kind of odd that Fred only has positive e-mail about himself on the show. Scott said that Fred seems to be the only one who never gets any negative feedback. Fred said he was fine with that and didn't seem to care that Scott was the one who turned him in.
A caller asked George Takei if he could help get Eric the midget on the show ''Heroes.'' Howard told the guy George had a hard enough time getting himself on the show, he doesn't need to be helping Eric the Midget.
Howard said that they've been on SIRIUS for almost a year now and it seems like it's been longer. That led to Howard and Robin talking about these people who still haven't gotten the service yet and complain that they miss the show. Howard said that's why he'll be out doing Letterman, Conan and Kimmel this week. He knows that Dave will probably cut him off if he starts doing anything like an ad on his show though.
Robin suggested that Howard bring some video from Howard TV on with him to promote SIRIUS. He said that's not a bad idea and asked Doug to put something together. He told Robin that maybe she should go on instead of him. She didn't want to do that. Doug Goodstein came in and asked Howard what he wanted to show on Letterman. Howard had a couple of ideas and it sounds like they're going to show Jeff the Drunk falling over at the elevator... but that was when they were at K-Rock... Hmmmm. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Ivy Supersonic was there to say a few words. He explained that she's a hat designer and she's pretty well known in the celebrity world. She came in a short time later and Howard said that she used to be fat years ago. She said he was full of shit because she's been working out half her life.
Howard said he thinks that Ivy may be losing her mind. She said that she's just upset, not losing her mind. She told Howard that her father died and claims that it was because of medical malpractice. She started yelling about how he had a bed sore and how that killed him. She said she wants to sue for the death of her father.
Howard said he's worried about Ivy because she's sounding crazy with these phone calls and e-mails that she's been sending about some Nazi thing. Ivy went on to say that she bought an apartment in Florida and this Nazi guy is living in it. She also talked about her lawyer suing Rupert Murdoch over the use of her Sqrat character that she believes FOX stole from her.
Ivy said that FOX stole this character and helped FOX make a lot of money and she wants some of it because it was her idea. She explained how she came up with the Sqrat character and they changed it to Scrat. Howard interrupted her and asked her about the tattoos she's covered her body in. She said she's angry about a lot of stuff and that's why she's been covering her body like that.
Howard asked Ivy if she's gone mental or something. She said that she's not mental, she's not going to a doctor or anything like that. Howard thinks that there's something up because she has been calling and e-mailing so much with the Nazi stuff.
Ivy told Howard that her real last name is Silberstein, Supersonic isn't her real name. Howard pretended to be surprised about that. He told her that she's looking really good these days because her body is so tight. He asked her to show them some skin so she pulled down her pants and showed her ass and the tattoos that she has. She didn't want to show her complete ass but Howard wanted to see it.
Howard said Ivy really has gotten better looking. She got back to the Nazi stuff and claims that the guy robbed her flat out and she's pissed. She said that she bought this apartment and rented it out to this nice guy. Then the guy wasn't going to move out when she wanted to rent it to someone else. She sent a friend down there to sign a lease to stay there longer but then she got a check from the guy where he spelled her name ''Ivy Sil Ber Stein'' and robbed her and stole her car...
Gary said that he's worried about Ivy. He said she had a really nice Hummer and plastered it with all kinds of negative stuff about Rupert Murdoch and stands on top of it in front of his building yelling stuff out to him. Ivy then said that she goes on Myspace, gets naked and shows off her tattoos on the service since Rupert owns that company as well.
Ivy said that right now she's fighting an old man and a Nazi. Howard interrupted her and said that he had Rupert on the phone. It was Sal calling in asking her to stop with her rants. She knew it was Sal and told him to come in there so she could tear his clothes off.
Howard said that Sal was on Bubba's show last week as ''Fake Howard'' so he had to call in to talk about how irate he was with Sal for calling other shows.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was Ivy's roommate years ago in college and she's always been like this. She said she's known about this Sqrat thing for a long time but she's done some strange stuff like this in the past.
Howard took some other calls and let some people tell Ivy that she's fuckin' nuts. Ivy said that she is fuckin' nuts and asked one guy if he was hot and had a big cock. She didn't believe him when he said he was big. Howard took a call from Andrew Dice Clay (Audio clips) but Ivy wasn't falling for it. Gary said Ivy was telling him that she's at war with like 7 people. She said she's concentrating on just these two right now though.
Gary asked Ivy what she's doing to make money these days. She said it doesn't really matter but she does the hat thing and also sets up parties for celebrities. She said that if someone calls her to do something, it's done in 2 minutes.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that she really is crazy. George Takei said that Ivy is quite extraordinary. Howard gave Ivy a plug for her web site IvySupersonic.com and started to wrap up with her. He said he was worried about her yelling about the Nazi guy and stuff. She ended up giving out her home address so Howard hit the delay to block that out. He told her she was crazy for giving out her home address like that. Ivy said that she has more about this Nazi guy on her web site so people can see what she's talking about.
Howard took a call from George Takei (audio clips) and Ivy started arguing with him. She didn't realize that the real George was sitting right there in the studio while the guys in the back were goofing on her by playing these clips of George asking her questions. She went into some rant about how drugs can turn people gay and the real George sat there laughing at her while the George audio clips were laughing as well.
Artie went into a bit where he rambles about all of the subjects that Ivy brought up during her interview. Howard thanked Ivy for coming in and said he was going to take a break. He said that he can't imagine banging this chick and then having to listen to her talking about all of this shit. Howard had to hit the delay on her one more time before he went to commercial break.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to get to. He asked Artie about his Playboy mansion appearance last week. Artie said he had never seen the inside of the mansion before so that was one of his goals out there. He also said he wanted to get laid. Only one of those two things happened. He said he went to the mansion after flying into L.A. on Thursday. He was really wiped out because he can't sleep on a plane.
Artie said he went to the mansion, they let him in and he was wandering around checking things out. He said there were no Playboy chicks there at all. The chicks who were there were porn stars. He said Sarah Silverman was there to do her comedy at this event they were doing. Sarah did her act first and then they did an auction thing between her act and his.
Artie said that they were right next to the monkey zoo thing. One of the things that was being auctioned off was the chance to shower off the paint from one of the girls. They weren't bad looking but they weren't really Playboy quality either. He said that they did the auctioning thing and then introduced him. He started talking and his set was disastrous.
Artie said one guy was being a dick telling him that they couldn't hear him on mic. He said that made him angry and he could then understand why Michael Richards did what he did. Howard said that they can't have naked women on before having a comedian on. Artie said he got the crowd back for a while when he asked the guy what the fuck his problem was. Artie said he told the guy the people in the back could hear him and that he should clean the monkey jizz out of his ears.
Artie said that this guy he was arguing with was sitting next to this sports guy Jerry Buss. He figured he might be some kind of heavy hitter or something so he got off of him. Artie said he had to do 20 minutes on stage and got the crowd back for a little while. He brought up Michael Richards and said that he might use the N-word.
Artie said he stepped back at one point and his pants ripped up the ass. He said that's never happened to him before. He was trying to do this bit he does but his pants were ripped and got so distracted that he lost the crowd. He said he had to get through the 20 minutes and no one was even paying attention to him at that point.
Artie said after his set they were going to do the girl thing at the Grotto there at the mansion. He said for the first 10 minutes it was like 1000 guys just wandering around. They had an open bar which was nice but there were no chicks around. Then a bus must have pulled up with a load of chicks. They started coming into the party and no one knew what their deal was. They weren't Playmates but there were some hot ones. Most of them looked like Jerome Betis the football player. he said there were a few women who could have stood to have lost a few pounds. He said the party was fun and the girls were all fun broads.
Howard said that it must have been like being at a Bizarro World Playboy Mansion. Artie went on to say that some of the girls started getting naked and into the pool. Some of the guys were thinking about getting in there but no one was sure what to do.
Artie said that the pool leads into a waterfall and a cave. He said that some of the guys walked around to the back to see what was going on in the cave. They saw that there was a land area above the hot tub area but it was just chicks in the pool. Then this drunk guy got nude and jumped in the pool naked. He was hugging the girls and having his picture taken. Artie said the guy looked like him but he was having fun.
Artie said he doesn't know what the girls deals were but he did get one girl's phone number. She wants to do the show but he's not going to give her name out because of what he's about to say. He said that this chick asked his friend if he wanted to go in the back and get a blow job. The guy said yeah and she tells him it'll cost him $1000. Artie said that there were like 100 women there and he's not sure what all of their deals were. He said his friend thought that was a bit high for a blow job. She told him that it would be the best he's ever had. She said he could feel what a $1000 blow job feels like and his friend tells her that he has the feeling that it feels an awful lot like a $10 blow job. She got pissed and left.
Artie said his friend came back and told them this story. He said he doesn't know if that chick gave anyone a blow job or not. Howard said that's a lot of money for a blow job no matter who the guy is. Artie said that this chick was smoking hot but paying that much for a blow job is really outrageous. Howard said that it's her looks that a guy is paying for. Robin said that she should have given away one free one and let the word spread.
Artie said that he would have paid $100 for a blow job from that chick if she had made the offer. Artie said that one of his buddies was talking to this 300 pound black chick at the party and they were saying that maybe they should get one from her.
Artie said after the party he went back to his hotel and was sick for the rest of his trip. He said he slept for like 22 hours straight out there. Artie said that he was sick and he ruined his favorite pair of pants. He said he took them home with him and he's going to get them fixed. Artie said he's in the weight loss mode right now. Robin said that shows how big he got because he split open his pants because he was so big.
Howard showed George the picture of Artie from a few years ago next to a recent picture where it really shows his weight gain. George said he could be a leading man when he saw the thin picture. Artie said his pants were ripped the whole time he was by the Grotto out there.
Artie said that this one guy from Omaha, Nebraska had flown in for this event and said hello to him. He said there were a lot of fans there at this party. Howard interrupted and had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview.
Howard spent a minute talking about how a lot of the graffiti on the subways in New York these days is being done by European people who come over here just to do it. Howard said that they should lock them all up and throw them in jail. He said it really pisses him off to read about that stuff.
Howard also told Lisa that he's doing letterman on Tuesday but they are not promoting it for this week's upcoming shows. They used to always promote that fact but now it appears that they're leaving his name out on purpose. Robin told Lisa to get to the bottom of that.
Lisa said that they spoke to Shanghai Kate who did Howard's tattoo years ago. Lisa said they'll have a report about that. Howard didn't know her as Shanghai Kate, it was just Kate. He said she's a nice woman and he did have trouble making up his mind about what to put on his arm. He eventually decided on it and had it done though.
Lisa said that Rev. Bob Levy has big news, he's coming out of the basement and getting back together with his wife. They also have an interview with a producer about the remake of Porky's that Howard is working on. Howard let her go and moved on to the next segment.
Artie said that Benjy once pitched an idea like that at K-Rock where Benjy would get fucked in the ass. He was wondering what the fuck he was thinking. Howard said that Benjy's idea was really to fuck each other if they didn't lose the weight.
Artie said he wants to do anything for the show but he's going to have to say no to this. Benjy suggested that they do this by the end of this week and come up with a number that they would have to lose by the end of their vacation. Benjy said that if they win, they get like $200 and if they lose, they'd have to fuck. Benjy said it would be a great incentive if they had to fuck if they don't lose that weight.
Fred said he thinks Benjy wants to get fucked in the ass and that's why he's doing this. He suggested that they make it just Benjy who has to lose the weight and give him the incentive to lose it. Artie said that it would be good for the show.
Howard said that maybe they could say by March 1st, they have to lose 50 pounds collectively. If they can't do that, then they have to fuck each other. Howard said that Artie could be the fucker and Benjy could be the girl, or the bottom. Howard said that their faces would be out from behind a sheet while they're actually doing it.
Howard seems to think that they could lose that weight by February so maybe that's what they should do. Artie as afraid that Benjy would want to get fucked and would throw the contest.
Artie said that if he was doing the fucking, he didn't think he could even get hard. That is unless they painted a picture of Pam Anderson on Benjy's back. He said that he'd be afraid that he would back out of the whole thing at the last minute if he wasn't able to lose the weight. Artie wondered what would happen if he refused to do it. Howard said they would have someone come in to beat the shit out of him. That means Artie wouldn't have to get fucked, he'd just get beaten up.
Gary said that the guys in the office were talking about logistics with two fat guys fucking. They were wondering how they would have to do it if they were going to fuck. That led to Benjy getting on all fours to show the guys what it would look like if he was on all fours or in other positions.
Artie said this probably would sell radios and maybe they should do it. He said he's done fat chicks before so maybe he could go through with this. He said he might just lose control and start making out with Benjy while he's banging him.
Artie asked George how he fucks like that. George said he hasn't done that lately but he did it in his wild days. He said that he and Brad don't enjoy that so they do other things. Robin said they recently heard about Lance Bass breaking up with his boyfriend because they were both bottoms. George said that it depends on the guy and what they like. George said he's more spontaneous than Brad is. He said Brad is more regularly scheduled and likes to do it on Sunday. They make a big deal out of the whole thing and do it then. George said that sometimes Brad will cave in and do it on other days but it's usually on Sundays when they do stuff together.
Artie said that as a gambler, he can relate to George getting fucked in the ass on Sunday. That got a laugh out of George. Artie and Benjy wanted to get this bet figured out. Artie wanted to come up with a compromise and said that maybe they could push it back a little bit and Benjy could blow him. Maybe the ass fucking would be a little too intense. Benjy said that seems more intimate to him.
Benjy said that he could suck it but both things seem horrible to him. Benjy asked Artie what he would rather do, suck a guy or fuck a guy in the ass. Artie said that both were horrible but fucking in the ass would probably be his preference. Howard asked George what he thinks is gayer. George said that the sucking is his preference. Benjy asked him what would be harder for him, fucking a girl or getting a blow job from one. George had to think for a minute and said that he thinks that fucking would be interesting.
Artie said he's leaning toward not doing this. Howard told him that he will have rapid weight loss if he did this challenge. He said it's the only thing that's going to push him. That led to Artie hopping on the scale. He came in at 287 pounds. Howard told Benjy to get on too and he came in at 247 pounds. Howard asked Benjy what he wanted to lose. Benjy said that 50 pounds by March 1st shouldn't be out of the question. Howard said that if they started today, they'd have to lose 50 pounds collectively by February 11th.
Artie said that he has a gig to do on Super Bowl weekend. He'd be eating like crazy then. Artie said that he really doesn't want to do this and just talking about doing it could get him beat up. He said this isn't good for him to even be thinking about. Artie said he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to eat over the next couple of months. George told Artie that he really should lose weight because his joints will start hurting him and stuff like that.
Artie refused to agree to the challenge because it just isn't right and he's not comfortable. He said that his church wouldn't like it. He told everyone that they're fucked up and he can't do this. He said he would think about it to get some subscriptions but he really can't go through with it.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks about Tori Spelling's yard sale and if he thinks that she threw away a lottery ticket by getting into a fight with her parents. Howard said it was insane to see this girl selling off her junk to fans when she should have inherited a ton of money.
Howard said that Jamie Lynn and Cassia Riley wanted to come in to promote some stuff but they really didn't have anything to do. They asked them to do some stuff like playing Assketball and maybe doing some jumping jacks while naked. They agreed to that and to drink a lot of water and get tickled in the tickle chair. He said they'll be doing that after the break.
Howard moved on to Jamie Lynn and Cassia Riley who were there to do some stuff for them. They had to pee really bad already after drinking a few bottles of water. Howard said the girls have a lot of stuff going on right now. Jamie Lynn has a Pet of the Year DVD out now so she's promoting that.
Artie said he wanted to change the weight loss thing that Benjy came up with to make it possible for him to fuck one of them if he loses his weight. Howard gave the girls a couple more plugs for an On Demand program they have coming up in January and also an appearance they're making at Caroline's comedy club.
Howard read that Jamie was living with a girl so he asked her if she's a full on lesbo now. She said she's not living with a girl. Howard remembered that she had said that she had a threesome in high school. Jamie said that she this guy she knew was going away so she and this other girl decided to make his goodbye really good by giving him a threesome. Jamie said that she and the other girl tried to look their sexiest but the guy was hardly paying attention to them. He eventually got the idea when they started making out.
She said that she and the other girl made out and did stuff to each other and eventually moved on to the guy. Cassia said that she was getting jealous because she really likes Jamie. Jamie said she moved away and don't live that close now. The girls said that they slept together last night because they really do like to cuddle together.
Howard asked the girls how that all works out. Jamie said that they went to a bar in the hotel and had a drink. They had just gotten off the plane so they weren't all made up or anything. Jamie said that they didn't shower before doing anything, they showered after. Jamie said they had to catch up on things so that's what they did in the hotel room.
The girls talked about doing stuff to each other in their hotel room last night. Jamie said that Cassia really likes to do that stuff and is more aggressive than she is. They also said that they bring toys with them when they travel. Cassia said that Jamie squirts when she cums and it scares the shit out of her. She said that she uses her fingers on her and finishes her off. She said she only uses 2 because she's got a really tight pussy. She likes to lick her and Jamie said she really enjoys that.
Artie asked if any of them could fuck her. Jamie said ''maybe Howard'' but said no to anyone else. Howard got back to the girls and asked them about how long they did the licking stuff. They said it was probably longer than 5 minutes. After that Jamie said that her tongue gets tired doing that stuff because she doesn't do it all that often. She said she loves Cassia's body and loves making out with her.
Artie said that Cassia was dressed like a school teacher this morning. Howard said that they have agreed to do some stuff this morning. They will be jumping rope, playing Assketball and getting tickled in the tickle chair after drinking a ton of water. Jamie said that she really has to go to the bathroom. Cassia said that she will pee if they tickle her and she might need a diaper. George wondered what was going to happen when someone wins at Assketball. Howard told George that they all win because they get to see a couple of naked chicks.
Howard wanted to get right into the games so he asked the girls to warm up with some jump rope while they were naked. Artie wanted to play ''Let's Blow Artie'' but that wasn't happening. Howard had them get started so the girls got up and took their clothes off. Howard said that Jamie had some body. He said that this will be on Howard TV this week.
The girls got their jump ropes and Gary started to help the girl take their clothes off. Artie was really into Cassia while Howard was into Jamie. Howard told them to start jumping and they got some applause as they were doing that. Artie said that Cassia was going to get black eyes from that. George put his glasses on to watch that going on so he could see the beautiful girls. Even a gay man can appreciate the nude female body.
Howard had the girls line up for Assektball where they were going to have basketball nets on their backs. Artie and Howard were going to be taking shots and trying to score some points. They had some Nerf basketballs to play with. He described the nets and rims that were attached to their asses. Artie went up and did a dunk shot for his first. Then he took a regular shot and missed. George Takei even got in on it and took some shots. They were all missing. Then George actually got one shot. Howard had no prize for him so he told Artie to kiss him.
Artie and George continued playing. Artie was running over and dunking instead of taking regular shots. Howard wanted to move on to the next thing which was tickling the girls in the tickle chair. The girls were made to drink some water before they came in so there was a chance that they would pee while being tickled. Howard was going to give them 2 minutes in the chair. He told them they would be tickled and tortured for that 2 minutes.
Howard said that Cassia has beautiful natural breasts and most women with breasts like that have fake ones. She was thinking of having a kid just so she could pass those along to a daughter. Howard asked Gary to help him out with this and help tickle. Howard told the girls that they were disqualified if they shit themselves after Artie put that out there.
Jamie asked what she was supposed to do if she couldn't take it anymore. Gary told her to just pee. Howard then started tickling Jamie. She started squealing. Artie told her ''Piss you whore!'' and ''Tinkle tramp!'' and ''Urinate slut!'' Jamie said she was felling really ticklish this morning and kept screaming. Howard said that a minute was long enough because she was really worn out. She said she tried to pee but she wasn't able to even do that.
Howard had Cassia get into the chair next. She said she had to pee really bad and hadn't peed in about 2 hours. She said that Will wouldn't let her go to the bathroom. Howard said that was the whole idea for this tickle thing. She said she was afraid that it would ruin her career if she peed. Howard told Fred to give them a minute instead of 2. Howard started tickling Cassia and she was cursing them all out. She was saying ''Fuck you motherfuckers'' and telling them that she wasn't going to pee. Artie said that she almost kicked him in the nuts. She said she was trying. The time was up and Howard said she didn't pee either.
Howard said Artie seemed to enjoy it but Artie said he was out of breath. Cassia said she was all shaky after that. Howard gave the girls some plugs for their Caroline's Comedy Club appearance that they're making on the 21st. Artie said he might have to go see them there. They also have the In Demand special coming up on January 18th. The girls didn't want to get on the Sybian because they had to save something for later. The girls then gave each other hugs to calm each other down.
Mike Gange said that there's no way Cassia's boobs are real. She invited the guys to come over and feel them, like they've done the past 2 times she was on. Artie said he believes they're real. Mike Gange copped a feel and said he felt the implant and showed Artie where it was. Artie felt her up again and Howard told the two of them to stop already. Fred was playing a horn honking sound as they were touching them. Howard thanked the girls for coming in and went to break a short time later.
Howard asked George if he has anything from the show that he's thought about selling. George said that he has one of his uniforms that Gene Roddenberry gave to him that he donated to the Japanese American museum. He said it was estimated to be worth $16,000 so he had a nice tax write-off for that.
George gave his announcement and mentioned Howard's chess playing. That led to George talking about playing chess. Howard asked him if he's part of the ICC online chess club. George said no so Artie told Howard that George finds that to be gay. Artie said he was just kidding about that because he's never thought about chess as being a gay game. He'd like to learn how to play so he could play against Howard sometime.
Artie had a game for the guys to play. He asked the guys if they knew how old Rita Moreno was. They all took guesses and didn't come all that close to her real age of 75. Artie also mentioned Terri Garr who was also in the paper today. They all took guesses and Robin came close to getting her age of 59.
Howard said that it's George Takei's 60th anniversary today. That anniversary is for when George got out of the internment camp that his family was held in during World War II. George said that his whole family was in there and they got so used to being in there. They still had a lot of hatred toward them and they had to live on Skid Row in Los Angeles. He said it was terrifying to live there with his family.
George said that his father's first job after getting out was as a dishwasher. He eventually got into real estate and did very well in that field.
Howard took a call from a guy who suggested that Howard bring some clips of the new Wack Packers on Letterman this week. Howard said if Dave would let him, he'd bring some of those guys on the show with him but Dave isn't into that. He said he has to make Dave laugh himself and not use that kind of stuff on there.
The caller also brought up Howard's tattoo and how maybe he should think about getting a bulls eye on his arm. He was rambling a bit so Howard hung up on him.
Steve said that Scores is raising money for charities in the area but a lot of them are turning down the money. They've even offered to send some girls over on the USO tour for the troops in Iraq but they were turned down. Steve said they have a story about John Stamos' latest part playing a gay man. That led to the guys spending a few minutes talking about Stamos' career and how he should be just as famous as Brad Pitt with his looks.
Howard asked Robin to pick between Stamos and Brad Pitt. She said she got light headed when he sat in the same room with her one time. She said he's sweet and gorgeous but she's also been in the presence of Brad Pitt and she couldn't even speak when she met him. She said he actually grabbed her after asking if that was Robin and she almost passed out.
Howard asked Benjy who he would choose but he didn't really care. Benjy said he would go with Stamos though. Steve Langford said they have a new Stern news tip line and said that you can call 877-33-SIRIUS and choose channel 100 from the list.
Jon Hein ran down the stuff they were going to cover on the Wrap Up Show today. Jon said they'll be talking about Artie and Benjy's gay weight loss challenge. They will also talk about Cassia Riley and Jamie Lynn's visit. Howard said he asked the girls if they had gone that extra minute if they would have peed. They told him that they probably would have.
Artie said that if he got all heroin'd up and didn't care who was blowing him, he might be able to say yes to the Benjy contest. He wondered if he could get heroin'd up enough to do that. Jon Hein got back to his show preview and ran down a couple of other subjects that they'll be covering. One of the things is the lack of negative mail about Fred.
Howard said that some people are upset that Jon Hein forgets to turn on his microphone every day and that he seems to ignore Howard's request to turn it on every day. Howard read some negative stuff about the little talks that Lisa G and Howard have each morning. The writer wanted Howard to bend her over his console and just bang her.
Howard read one e-mail about how Bob Marley got cancer after breaking a toe. That's what killed him according to a lot of people.
Howard said that he started sending out Christmas cards with pictures of his dog on them and now everyone there has started doing it. Ronnie came in and asked Howard what's wrong with him because he's not the first one to send out cards with dogs on them. Howard said he thinks that Ronnie is copying him but Ronnie thinks that he's nuts. Howard kicked him out and said he had to stop sending out cards with dogs on them because of that.
Howard said he and Beth sent out a card with a picture of them on it instead of the dog. He said it was a picture from last year when they were doing an Us magazine photo shoot.
Howard said that he and Beth were driving around and Beth got a message from Dana. They still stay in touch even though Artie and Dana are no longer together. Howard said that Dana was saying that she was sad that they had broken up and hoped that she and Beth could stay friends. Howard thought that was kind of sad and wondered if they could stay friends with her.
Artie said it is sad but he doesn't mind if Howard keeps bringing her around. Artie said he doesn't think that they're still good friends. He said he really is sad about the whole thing. Artie said things were going really bad toward the end there and Dana was the one who ended it as far as he's concerned.
Howard said that there's no way Artie could have had kids with Dana with all of the stuff they had going on between them. Artie said that if she stays friends with Howard and the show, without being with him, she'll have hit the jackpot. He said he was just joking around about that though.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks he could really be a good dad. Artie said that he knows he could but Howard pointed out his drug problems and Artie reminded him about his gambling addiction, his selfishness and other stuff. Howard said it wasn't that crazy for Dana to ask him to go to therapy for that stuff.
Howard went through some of the other guys in the studio asking them if they think Artie would make a good father right now. George and Fred both said they don't think he would at this point. Robin said that Artie is ready to be a dad right now... if he wants to be a bad one. Howard said he thinks that Artie would make a good father, he's a lot of fun.
Howard took a call from Rev. Bob Levy who said that Artie is about 5 years from being a good dad. Artie said that Bob is the guy who wished his 5 year old son a Happy Birthday from a comedy club in Cleveland while on coke. He said he was kidding about the coke thing but he was out on the road. Bob said that Fred was right when he said that Artie can't even take care of a dog so he's not ready for a kid. Howard said he kind of agrees with that and he had to take care of things when he was growing up. Howard said he doesn't see a kid coming in Artie's life anytime soon.
Howard asked Artie why he didn't have his assistant repair his pants while he was out in California. Artie said he was sick for most of the trip so he wasn't doing anything.
Gary told Howard that Sal and Richard put together a new bit where they called this Hugs For Harlem show and took tapes of Howard's voice and had him asking the host of the show gay questions and asking him to jerk him off and stuff like that. The guy kept hanging up on Howard and taking other calls, but each one was Sal and Richard with Howard clips, asking these gay questions.
After playing that bit Howard had Robin get to her news. A guy called in a little later and told Howard that it was kind of rude to be going off on Artie about being a bad father. The guy said that a lot of people aren't ready to be good dads until they actually become dads. The guy said that people change and just because you can raise a dog doesn't mean that you can raise a kid.
Another caller told Howard he thinks that Artie would make a good father. Mariann from Brooklyn felt the same way and thinks that he'd make a great father even though there are a lot of things she hates about him. Howard thanked her for that and got back to Robin's news again.
Robin ended her news and Howard wrapped up the show around 11:05am.
Howard started off the show asking George Takei to do an announcement for them. George read one of the lines they wrote for him and gave him a nice intro. Howard said he got a nice gift from George which was a bottle of spicy Asian wing sauce that he sells. George said he gets a very small percent of the sales of that stuff and he does it because he's a team player. They were going to sell it with or without him agreeing to it so he figured he'd just go along with it.
George said the sauce is sold under the Sulu name so they could sell it with him or without him. Howard and Artie read the nutrition facts on the bottle while George told them to just add a little bit of it to a steak or a salad or something like that. Howard congratulated him on that and wished him luck selling it.
George said that his boyfriend Brad was listening to the show yesterday and got very upset about them talking about their scheduled sex night of Sunday. George said he got into big trouble for bringing that up.
Howard said that Beth really doesn't like him back in that area. She won't even let him put his hand back there. He used to be able to go down there when they first started dating but no more. She just says no way and gets away from him.
Howard took another call from John Boy who said that the hottest electronic item out there is the Stiletto and he heard that there were some people fighting over getting them at a local store according to him. He said there was a black guy and an Asian guy getting into it over the radio. He said it was a local story but he's not sure if it was in the national news.
John Boy asked Howard about his Letterman appearance tonight and if he's going to be whoring out SIRIUS. Howard said the whole reason he's going on is to sell SIRIUS satellite radio. John Boy also asked George about the episode of Star Trek where he was whipping around the sword. George said that was a fencing foil and talked a little bit about that episode. John Boy thought he was either on a drug or an amazing actor when he was playing that part that day. George said he was liberated from that helm console and embraced the part.
George said that they were going to give him a samurai sword to use in that scene but he thought that it would be better if he used a fencing foil instead. Howard thanked John Boy for calling in. John Boy said that he'll watching Letterman tonight.
Howard said he's doing Letterman, Conan and Kimmel this week to show that he is a team player. He said Scott Greenstein should be happy once he does those shows.
Howard said he heard from Pam Anderson and she will be calling in today to talk about what's going on with her crazy life. Evil Dave Letterman will also be coming in later in the morning. Robin said she saw him earlier and he wasn't looking too good.
Double A called in and asked if Beth O was going to be going to Letterman with him. Howard said she'd doing a photo shoot tonight and won't be able to make it. They're going to be shooting the pictures that they'll be using for her column for all of next year. Double A said that he might go see Beth do her shoot instead of going to see Howard. Howard let Double A go a short time later.
Howard said he hates doing Letterman and these shows because there's too much pressure to perform. He said they want him to sell radios there at SIRIUS and the fans want him to do something crazy. It's too much. He was going to wear something unusual on the show tonight but Beth didn't think it was funny and there was too much discussion about it so now he's changed his mind.
Howard played some audio from the show where Artie was asked if he would get fucked in the ass to go back in time and stop his father from getting hurt. Artie said there's no way he would ever do that. Artie said that his father suffered so much that he would have to consider it but if he did walk, every step he took would remind him that his kid got fucked in the ass. Artie said that his father was in hell being paralyzed.
Howard said that George and Artie got into a basketball challenge discussion on the Wrap Up Show. He played that clip where George wanted to take Artie on in a game. That led to Gary telling Howard that George claims that he can run 6 minute miles when he runs. George said he used to be able to do that and has run a few marathons. He said it's over now but he was able to run a 3 hour 29 minute marathon one time. He hasn't done any in 15 years now.
George said that he's had people tell him how crazy it is to drive inordinate number of miles to pay to get into a marathon where he's going to run 26 miles. He said he now sees the logic in that and is done with the marathons now.
Howard played a clip of Artie trying to get George to do his English accent on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. He had to perform himself before George would do his accent. Artie loves his accent because it's so far from being good. He tells George that it's really good but he seems to be telling him that just to get him to do it more.
Bobo called in and asked Howard if he's going to bring on the bottle of liquid ass to Letterman's show. Gary said Bubba's people sent them a bottle of that stuff but he's afraid to touch it because even the box smells bad. Howard said he was going to bring some clips with him to Letterman but he can't just play his show there. He said he could fill up the whole hour with that stuff but Dave won't be into that. He said that Dave won't let him do bits and stuff so he'll just talk up satellite and see what he can do.
Howard played some audio from Leno's show where he just throws in some softball questions for Mel Gibson. Mel jokes about his legal problems and gets laughs from the audience and from douche bag Jay. Mel told Jay that he's just moving ahead with his life and Jay tells him ''great.'' Howard said it's just bullshit television and he hates it.
Howard said that the reason his show is good is because it's honest. Leno is a phony and treats Mel like nothing happened. Howard said that Mel was involved in all of this controversy and Jay just ignores it and doesn't ask him any questions about it. He said he could be asking the guy about what his family thinks about it. Instead, Jay asks him how his family is doing, how hot was it down in Mexico when he was shooting his movie, how long it took to shoot and a bunch of lame questions about his movie.
Howard played some Leno clips that Richard put together from his audio book where Jay talks a lot about his ass hole and things like that. Those clips were much more interesting than the lame interview Leno was doing with Gibson. Howard said that Gibson getting a standing ovation was just great. He and the guys continued to goof on Leno for a short time after that.
Howard said that Nicole Richie was arrested last night for driving on the wrong side of the road. She was arrested for drinking but she told the cops she hadn't been drinking, she smoked pot and took some Vikodin. Howard said they should put her in jail for a couple of years because she could have killed somebody. Artie said that people like her seem so vapid and have no idea about life. They talked about her and Paris Hilton being proud of being so dopey.
Artie said that the pre-interview might help this time because he may or may not be able to talk about the transsexual thing. He said he probably will do a little bit of a pre-interview and have the guy prompt him to talk about certain things.
Siobahn asked if they heard his debut doing stand up comedy. Gary said he heard it but it wasn't very good. He said the sound was bad even though the guy who introduced her sounded fine. He also didn't have any material to speak of.
Howard played some audio from her act and said he was a little sceptical. In the clip Siobahn thanks the crowd for their applause and then tells them that they may not feel the same way after her act. Then she cracks some jokes about the area she's doing the show in down in the Village. She goes on to tell everyone what drugs she's on that night. There's a tiny bit of laughter and one person clapping for her drug use. She also talks about her life as a transsexual but there were no jokes, she was just filling everyone in about her life.
Siobahn talks about her problems while she's on stage and it sounds more like a therapy session than a comedy act. Artie told her that she just wasn't being funny when she has so many funny things going on in her life. Artie gave her some hints at what she could do and she seemed to like his suggestions. He told her she has to punch it up a little bit.
Howard told Siobahn to play her act for Sal and maybe Sal would give her some jokes to use. Artie said she sounded comfortable on stage so that's a start. She just needs some jokes. Artie said that she wants to do some shows with them and if she's not funny there, she's going to have shit thrown at her. Howard let Siobahn go after that.
Howard said that Siobahn just walking out on stage gets the audience against her. Not so much in the club that she was at but at other clubs they'll hate her.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he just got SIRIUS and he's really enjoying it. The guy said he's a truck driver and he loves being able to listen to all of the channels without losing them. The guy also told Artie that doing gay shit on the show is just not going to work because it might be like an episode of The Sopranos where they get pissed off at a guy for possibly being gay. Artie said he thought about that and there's no way he would go there with Benjy.
Artie said that it would be like Simon Cowell going to Dancing with the Stars. He was trying to put it into terms that Howard would understand when he said that. Artie was also saying that in the world of football, Giants fans hate the Cowboys fans. He said it's like Parcells went to an enemy.
Howard said that the Cowboys have more fans than any other team out there. Artie said that in the 70s the Cowboys were great and now they have fans all over the country. It's the same with Pittsburgh and Miami but Dallas is bigger than any. Gary said that the reason is because the games that were on TV before satellite and cable seemed to be the Cowboys more often than other teams.
Howard figured that this Cowboy and Giant game was going to be huge. Will came in and said that they're not playing this weekend. Howard said he read that they were going to be playing but the article he was reading was just misleading. Artie said that he was just talking about Parcells in that discussion, he wasn't saying that they were going to be playing.
The guys spent some time talking about baseball after the football discussion. Artie got back to the Parcells story and said that the guy is like a modern day Vince Lombardi so that's why he's as big as he is.
Howard said that some people wrote in and told him he hadn't talked about the football pool yesterday. He whipped through the results and gave the current rundown of the standings. Alice is still in first place with 6-8 while Big Foot is at 5-7-2, Elliot is at 5-9 and Artie is dead last with 4-10.
Howard asked Benjy to be careful with shit like that and he's got to curtail what he does back in that corner. Benjy said that he spilled a cup of coffee and takes extra care not to do stuff like that. Benjy said that Howard is the boss so he will do whatever he wants him to do. Howard asked the guys to clean up back in the corner and nothing moved. Benjy said he cleaned up but Artie didn't. Howard told them to take 5 minutes after the show to clean up back there. Artie admitted that he's the one who didn't clean up.
Howard asked Benjy what was back there and told him to just throw shit out. He saw some tape back there so he told him to throw it out if it wasn't his. Benjy went nuts and just started throwing everything out. Howard said he still had more shit back there so he told him to keep going. Scott the Engineer came in and said that they had a whole box of Artie's shit that they had to move when George Takei came in.
Gary came in and showed Benjy the coffee cup he has that is spill proof. Fred has one and told him he could get that at just about any store. Benjy was still going through stuff throwing it out. Fred found another cup with a spill-proof lid on it so he gave that to him.
Howard told the guys that if the stuff they have is of no use to them, they should throw it away. He told the guys that in a successful life you throw out anything you don't use. He told Benjy that he likes him but he's got to stop bringing in the giant condiment containers.
Artie was going through his shit throwing it out. He said he gets a lot of stuff from the fans and it's really nice but he had to throw it out. George was ready to take some of his junk. Artie had a chocolate Jack Daniels bottle that he wanted to keep but Howard told him it had a lot of calories so he should toss it. Artie went through some more stuff and tossed it. George said it was an amazing transformation at the table since they cleaned up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was dealing with a couple of mental midgets there and he has to treat them like kids. Howard said that he's the one who should be out of control, not these two guys. He doesn't want to be the voice of reason, Robin should be that person. Howard said that he's supposed to be the wild one, not those two. Artie said he feels bad because he should have cleaned up when Howard asked them to. They went to break after George did another quick announcement.
Howard said that Gwen is very girly and she's been married to that guy from Bush for so long that she's probably tired of him. He said that he was happening when they got married but the guy hasn't had a hit record in a long time.
Howard said he'll be up on some upper floor over at Letterman and probably won't even see Gwen there. He said the last time he was there Carrie Underwood was there and he didn't see her at all.
Howard said that Madonna had a special on recently but it flopped pretty bad and he realized that she just has no business dancing around the way she does at her age. She's close to 50 and no one wants to see that stuff from her anymore. He goofed on her about the way she dance and how she's too skinny and stuff like that.
Howard said he hopes to get to see Gwen tonight. He said he did that once with Katie Holmes and they actually ushered her into his room. She didn't have anything to say but he did get to say hello to her. Howard said it would be funny if he and Dave got to double team Gwen. He'd tell Dave to take her mouth and he'd take the back door. He said Paul Shaffer could watch. Fred started playing some audio clips of Taylor Rain moaning as Howard was creating the scene of him and Dave banging Gwen.
Howard said that he'd feel kind of weird being on stage with Dave and Gwen after he finished. Artie told him he could have Dave cuddle with her so Howard could get out of there. Howard said it would be great if Dave went limp during the act.
Wendy the Retard called and left a message asking Howard to give her some money to buy her family Christmas presents. All she has is $30 to her name. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that she even has thirty bucks.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if he heard Chuck Zito's show last night. Howard didn't hear it but he heard that it was good. The guy said that Chuck is really homophobic and when he got a call about Artie and Benjy's gay thing, he didn't want to hear about it and quickly moved on. The caller asked if they were going to have any butt fucking on his show. Chuck ignored that question and moved on.
Artie said that he got the willies just thinking about it yesterday so he's glad that Chuck moved on the way he did. In another clip Chuck talked about a fight he had one time where he kept it going because the other guy wasn't bleeding when he asked to stop. Chuck said he had to get stitches in his head after being hit in the head with a champagne bottle. Howard said that if he ever got hit like that, it would be a story he'd be telling every day. He wouldn't forget one detail about it.
Artie said he once got stop signed by a bouncer at a club. He said he had two cops holding him when this bouncer slammed his head into his leg. That led to him talking about how he had to go to the hospital and get his nose re-set because it was broken. He was waitering and when he went to take an order, his nose started to bleed and the woman freaked out on him. The owner of the place slapped him in the face and told him to get out of there because he thought he was on drugs.
Howard said he's long stopped criticizing what goes on at Letterman. He just goes on and does his thing. He said it's odd how they don't promote his upcoming appearance on the show. He thinks that CBS is afraid that satellite is going to be huge and they won't promote that appearance. Howard said that they can keep his name off the promos but it's not going to stop satellite from doing what it's going to do.
Howard said that their friend Nick Di Paolo is getting a job doing a radio show over at Free FM where they used to work and he really has no hard feelings for him. He said he's happy that Nick is going to be working. He knows that satellite is superior radio and he can do and say whatever he wants while they can't do that on regular radio.
Howard mentioned that on The View yesterday, Joy Bayhar told Barbara Walters that her 10 most fascinating people shows is great and wondered if anyone has turned her down. Howard said that Barbara didn't want to say who had turned her down but she did have someone who did turn her down. Howard said that he is the one who turned it down because it was a lot of horse shit. He said he talked to Barbara about that on her radio show there at SIRIUS and she admitted that he was the one who turned her down.
Howard said that if he was so fascinating, why would they lump him in with 9 other schlubs. He said he should get a full segment instead of being mixed in with a bunch of other people.
Howard said he would never have the balls to start a service like this. Launching a satellite costs like $200 million or something like that. He said this is how definite these people are that this will be a successful venture. He said that the car companies believe in it too because they're putting the radios in their cars.
George said that it really is an amazing venture and he doesn't believe that it will be aborted. Howard had to go to another break after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard to bring Evil Dave with him to Letterman so he could have Evil Dave interviewed by the real Dave. Howard said that Letterman wanted him to have Evil Dave on the phone one time. He said they could do that but it might be kind of lame. Gary suggested that they could play some clips on Letterman but Howard told him you really can't do that on his show. He said he used to try to do prop stuff on his show but they don't want that crap there.
The caller said that Dave wanted Evil Dave to call in that one time and it would be kind of cool to do that. Howard said he'd like to have Evil Dave there doing his impression of Dave, repeating his lines but Dave wouldn't like to do that.
The caller asked Artie where he can get his movie ''Beer League.'' Artie gave him the info saying that you can get info at Artie-Lange.com or right from Amazon.com.
Evil Dave read some of his lines and cracked some jokes about Michael Richards act being just fine with him and stuff like that. Howard said he read that Dave is staying with CBS for a few more years and getting $35 million. Dave said that these days the shows are filled with blacks and fags unlike when he was a child.
Howard said that Dave is going to be on the air for one year longer than Jay Leno will be. Dave said he fantasizes about having Leno's balls on his chin when he's blowing him.
Dave joked about Britney Spears' vagina looking ''de-scust-ing'' and how it looks worse than his grandmother's did when he banged her... after she died.
Evil Dave went back to his Michael Richards thing and joked more about that. He also asked Robin if he could put cool whip on his balls and have Robin lick it off if he put some mistletoe over it.
Howard said that Rev. Bob Levy wrote another awful song parody about Robin. He played the song that he actually played one other time. Howard said the song was awful. That got Dave talking about Robin a little bit and cracking some jokes about her.
Robin said that the race between her and Bubba doesn't seem to be happening at this point. Howard through they were all set and found it hard to believe they didn't have it worked out yet. Tim Sabean came in and said that he was down in Florida talking to some people and it's a much bigger deal than Howard knows. He said they are working out the details. Howard said that maybe they should wait until next Summer to do the race. Robin is unable to practice since all of the courses are closed up north at this time of year.
Evil Dave said that they just found water on mars which means they could find life there... and he hopes that it's not Jews that they find. He also joked about how sneaky the Jews are because the guy who plays Borat is actually a Jew.
Dave said that his mouth was watering just thinking about seeing K-Fed's package in the Britney Spears video. Howard took a call from a guy who said that he put together a game where the guys have to guess if the item or person is heavier than Artie, who weighed in at 287 pounds yesterday. The guy asked if he's lighter or heavier than a baby hippo. Howard stuttered for a second and the guy interrupted telling him he was wrong even though he hadn't answered.
The guy gave Howard another one where he asked if Artie was more than a 1980s Coke machine. Artie was less than that, the machine is over 700 pounds. The guy asked if Artie is heavier than Hulk Hogan. Artie weighs more than Hulk by 2 pounds. The corpse of Mama Cass Elliot was the next comparison. it turns out Artie weighs more, she was at 238 pounds at the time of her death.
The guy asked if Artie or an Original Pac-Man arcade game weighs more. It turns out that Artie is more, the game weighed 260 pounds. Howard told him to give one more. The guy asked if Artie or a new born Baby Elephant is more. Artie weighs more, a baby elephant is about 265 pounds. Howard let him do one more. Artie or the Corpse of Elvis. Elvis weighed 349 pounds when he died. Artie was shocked by that and couldn't believe he was so much.
Artie said he read a book about the crap that Elvis was eating in the final years of his life. The caller asked Howard another one.. Artie or an average Silverback Gorilla. The gorilla weighs about 375 pounds. Artie asked ''Who makes more money, this guy or a baby elephant...'' He said he's pretty sure that this guy doesn't work at all.
Evil Dave told some jokes that didn't go over very well so Artie goofed on him and asked him to explain what they meant. Evil Dave has no idea. The caller kept going with his questions and asked if Artie or 10 gold bars stored at Fort Knox weighs more. The gold weighs less. Artie or the liberty bell? The liberty bell weighs 2000 pounds. Artie said that he doesn't have a crack like the bell... but Robin said ''yes you do'' reminding him that he has an ass crack.
The caller asked if he could get a tour of the studio from Gary. Howard said he could do that and he would even be allowed up there to see them while they're doing a show. Evil Dave tried telling a couple of jokes but they weren't going over very well.
The caller asked if Artie or an engine from a 1970s Volkswagen Beetle weighed more. It turns out Artie weighs more, the engine only weighs 275 pounds. Howard thanked the caller for the game and thanked Evil Dave for coming in.
Evil Dave screwed up a couple of his lines so Howard asked him if he ever practices his lines. Will came in and said that he did have him rehearsing this morning and he did fine. Then he comes into the studio and screws it up.
Howard asked Dave about his personal life and found out that he's gotten divorced. He also broke up with a girlfriend that he had the last time he was on. Howard and the guys would ask him questions and Dave would respond with a ''HUH?'' almost every time. Dave said that he didn't lose his wife because he was dating. He said everyone thinks that's the case but it's not true. Will said that Dave dated this chick who was a fan of his and met him at a gig he was doing. She was a fan until she started dating him.
Howard asked Dave when he last got laid. Dave said he didn't want people to know that stuff and said that was privacy issue. That got Artie laughing hysterically. Gary came in and said that Dave was telling them on the Wrap Up show one time talking about what a failure his wife thought he was. Dave said that he thinks he's a failure as well. He said he doesn't have time to go see a therapist because he gets so busy. He said he did go to some counseling when his father died.
Howard asked him about the counseling thing and asked why he doesn't go for his divorce. He said he went to three sessions that were covered by his employer. Dave said his wife seemed to think that he was going to be a big star or something and it just never happened.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's very glad that he doesn't have to listen to Tom Chiusano anymore now that they're on satellite. Howard said he doesn't hold anything against Tom, he still talks to the guy and stays in touch with him. He was just the guy who had to take the fall for all of the censoring over there. He said he's glad he's out of that weird situation he was in over there.
The caller suggested a new show idea for Howard to do where they have a male version of ''The View'' but Howard told the guy that they already do that on this show. He also said that a TV version was already done with Dick Clark and Mario Lopez as well and that turned out to be a flop.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and started in on one of her long love fest chants about Howard. Fred was playing the crow cawing sound and then Howard cut her off when she started screaming. Another caller asked Howard if he was flying out to L.A. To do Kimmel's show on Friday. Howard said that he's doing the show via satellite and he was going to force Jimmy to come out to New York to do the show because Jimmy really wants him on.
A caller asked George if he had ever had sex with an Asian man. George said he had and then revealed that he was with a black woman for a while. George said that it was a genuine affection and not just to cover up his homosexuality. He said that was back when he lived in New York but she has since passed away.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to George about being with a woman and if he was able to get off with one. George said that it was possible and a very genuine love he had for her. George said he doesn't believe that every man has bi-sexual feelings but there are a lot. He said he feels that he could go either way but he prefers men over women. Howard wrapped up after that and went to break.
Howard said that Janks was going to be at Brady's Irish Pub on Friday night in Bensalem, Pennsylvania. They actually hooked everyone up with some food this morning. Howard said that Janks looks like he's been eating quite a bit of food lately. That led to Janks saying that he doesn't weigh as much as a baby elephant though.
Artie was eating a lot of that food from Brady's and also talking about how great the Linden's Chocolate Chippers cookies are. He handed over a bag to Howard so he could see how many calories were in them.
George Takei was talking about how sad it is to see Artie eating so much food. He said he's seen pictures of Artie when he was thin and it's very sad to see him so big. Janks interrupted and said that he was honored to be there because he's a huge Star Trek fan. He was happy to be there with George Takei.
Howard said that Janks once called into the Sportscenter show on ESPN and pretended to be this guy Steve Bartman who they really wanted to interview. Janks said Steve is a fan of the show and gave him all of the information he needed to make the call happen. Howard played the call where Janks pretends to be that guy. They take the call and Janks tells his story, as Steve, and how he caught this ball that was in play during a baseball game. Janks then says that he's sorry for what he did and talks about how many people are chasing him down... Then asks the reporter if he likes Howard Stern's butt cheese. They realize that they were just had and go right to commercial break.
Janks said that they had the closed captioning running during that interview and some people wrote in who saw it playing in bars around the country and told him that they actually printed out the Butt Cheese line on the closed captioning.
Howard played another prank call that Janks did where he called a homework help show and pretended to be a little kid. He asked a math question ''What's the square root of Howard Stern's asshole?'' They quickly hang up and move on.
Howard had some other calls to play and Artie wanted to hear them all. Sal came in and said that they have Janks calling a show as Bob Hope's comedy writer. Janks told Howard how he was able to do it just by telling them that he was that guy. He got on the air and told the reporter that he heard that Bob died choking on Howard Stern's ball sack.
Artie said he doesn't get the whole concept of the Christmas card with a couple on it. Howard said that he and Beth did a shoot with Us magazine and they didn't use this picture in the magazine so they took it and made it their Christmas card. Artie said he just doesn't get the whole idea of sending out a card like that. Howard said he has hundreds of people on his card list but it's like a business thing.
Howard said his mother did get his Christmas card and she said ''Beauty and the beast'' when she saw it. He said that he told her he couldn't believe she was talking about Beth like that and then thought that was a really hurtful thing to say to him. He said he would never say something like that to his mother. He said he knows he's ugly but when his mother says it to him, it really hurts.
Artie said his mother probably wouldn't say something like that, she'd play blind and tell him he was handsome. He said that he knows how Howard must feel though. It's pretty rough to say something like that to a guy. Howard said that he has therapy right before Letterman tonight so he might have to talk about that. He said maybe he should bring the card on Letterman tonight and tell that story. He said Dave will probably start ripping into him though.
Howard said you have to be careful what you send to Regis because it'll end up on his show. He said he went to a party one time and Regis was going around taking pictures of everyone which is something he would never do. The woman on the phone said she still loves his show and thanked him before Howard let her go.
Captain Janks asked Howard if it's true that he's friends with Rosie O'Donnell now. Howard said he's not really friends, but he has met her and has spoken to her. Janks said it would be great if they had her on the show some day. Howard said he'd like to have her on. He also said that he'd be wiling to do The View so he could dig into that Elisabeth Hasselbeck chick.
Howard said that they've kind of gone underground by going to satellite radio and he almost doesn't want to crawl out to do these shows he's doing. He said he's only doing it for the good of SIRIUS. Robin told Howard that maybe he should take the card and put his mother's face over Beth's and then ask Dave ''Now who's the Beauty and who's the beast?''
Howard played a clip of Regis talking about his card. Regis was very nice about it and showed it to his audience. Howard said he doesn't even know who sent it, he said Beth must have done that because he didn't remember doing it.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him that he's way too thin skinned and he shouldn't get so uptight about stuff. Howard said that he's always been thin skinned and this is nothing new. Benjy asked Howard if his mother likes Beth. Howard said she loves her and has told him that she would love it if he married her some day if he wanted to.
Howard said his mother thinks that he's very lucky to be with Beth and she thinks that Beth is a giver, just like she is. He spent a little while talking about how well the two of them get along. Howard took a call from what was supposed to be his mother but it was just audio clips of her voice. He had an argument with her even though she wasn't there.
George Takei thought that it was really Howard's mother so he ended up asking her some questions and she was actually answering him in ways that kept the conversation going. It took George a few minutes before he realized that he'd been had once again. He said that he's so gullible and can't believe Howard would do that to him again.
Janks said that he's moved up at the gas station and is now the manager there. He said no chicks want to go out with a guy like that. Howard gave Janks a plug for his web site CaptainJanks.tk. Janks had a dot com but someone bought it up when he didn't renew it and now they're trying to sell it back to him. He said that's why he went with the .tk thing.
Howard had another Captain Janks clip to play where Janks calls a TV program and asks the host if he likes Howard Stern's meat whistle. The guy hangs up and ignores the question. Howard wrapped up with Janks and gave him some more plugs. He also played a call that Janks made to Peter Jennings years ago.
Howard said that Janks used to call this Mother Angelica show and those were his favorites. He played one of those calls where Janks asks this nun if she would ''spread for Baba Booey.'' Mother Angelica talks about how sick these people are and how insulting it is to have them calling her show.
Howard had another clip where Janks calls up a show as Chuck Wollery and talks to his co-hosts who don't recognize that it's not him. Janks then says that Rick Dees blows and Howard Stern rules. Then they get the hint that it wasn't really Chuck.
Artie requested one of Janks' calls where he talked about Howard Stern making hot monkey love to Kathie Lee but Howard wasn't able to find it. Janks was also the guy who spread the rumor that Artie had passed away when they were out in Vegas a few years back. Janks said that he gave the channel his number in Pennsylvania so they could call him back and confirm the story. They called and confirmed it and then went to air with the fake story.
Artie talked about that day and how his manager got a call about the death and even he wasn't sure if it was true or not. He said the morning after that they played audio from the news reports and it was kind of funny to hear his own eulogy on the news.
Alice said hello to George so he asked her why she has so much hate for someone. She told George about why she dislikes that fat fuck so much. She rambled on and on complaining about Artie. They were going back and forth for a few minutes. Then Howard found the clip where Alice goes into this evil voice and yells about her hate toward Artie. Alice got a laugh out of that and thanked him for playing it.
Howard let Alice go and talked about Nicole Richie's arrest again. Robin had some audio clips of the 911 calls that were being made about her driving on the wrong side of the road. People were calling in to report her pulling into the wrong lane going the wrong direction.
Howard was going to play one last Captain Janks call before he went to break. He gave Janks some more plugs for his upcoming gigs, his DVD and other stuff. The final call he played was one to Jerry Lewis during his telethon. They spent a short time talking about that call and how pissed off Jerry got after that prank call. Janks said that he fooled the producer into thinking that it was Larry King calling in by playing some audio clips of Larry for him. Howard wrapped up with Janks after that and had George Takei read an announcement as they were going to break.
Steve Langford came in with his Howard 100 News preview. He said that there's a new movie out that's apparently working on doing a movie called ''Church League'' which sounds oddly similar to ''Beer League.'' He also mentioned that the story came in over their new tip line. Artie got in a few plugs for ''Beer League'' after Steve mentioned the story.
Steve Langford said he'll be heading to Letterman tonight to report on Howard's visit there. Jackie the Joke Man and Riley Martin's shows are on tonight so Steve got in plugs for them too.
Jon Hein gave his show rundown and said they'll be talking about Evil Dave's visit. They'll also talk about Benjy and Artie's mess back by their work space. Jon said they'll talk about Captain Janks' visit and also about the Regis mention of Howard's Christmas card.
Howard said that Jon Hein ordered some stuff from Amazon.com recently and when he got his package, it wasn't the stuff he ordered, it was Maggie Gyllenhal's order. Howard said she ordered a bunch of kids books. Jon said that the box was addressed to him so he didn't open up anyone else's package. Robin thought that he had opened something he shouldn't have. Howard turned over the microphones to Robin and had her start her news.
Howard also played an audio clip from a news report about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie where a Scott Ferrall fan was out there yelling out ''Ferrall, Ferrall...'' over and over again.
Howard read some e-mail during Robin's news. One person wrote in about an old movie that George Takei starred in with John Wayne. Howard said they got a lot of praise for George in the e-mail. They also got a lot of negative mail about Fred since they talked about how little he gets. He said they had a ton of stuff about Artie not being a good father. The fans wanted Howard to lay off the poor guy and not drive him over the edge. There were some people who said that Artie should have a pet before having a kid. If they can't care for a pet, they can't care for a kid.
Howard read one mail from someone who said he saw Artie in a car with KC at the airport. Artie said he did see KC out there but not at the airport. KC said he stopped by the hotel and said hi to him. He said KC will be back in the area for the holidays.
Howard pointed out that Artie was an answer for a crossword puzzle recently. Artie said that his mother had one framed when he was a question back in 1998. He said that she got really excited over it and had it framed. Artie thought it was pretty big to be in the Washington Post so he was going to give that to his mother as well.
Robin wrapped up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:10am.
Howard started off the show talking about how tired he was after being taken out of his routine. Robin said that she's tired as well and didn't make it over to Letterman like she wanted to. Artie told Howard he had a great appearance on Letterman, he stayed up to watch it last night. George Takei said he didn't get to see it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the appearance was great and Dave was treating him very nice. Howard said he wouldn't have even done it if SIRIUS hadn't pushed him into it. Howard said he gave the whole audience SIRIUS radios before they left. He said the crowd gave him a double ovation when he was leaving.
Howard gave Dave and Paul Stilettos and the rest of the audience regular radios and a short subscription. Howard said giving stuff away is the way to go and he said Oprah must be right when she does that stuff. Howard said the crowd loved it so much that when he started to talk after they cheered, they started to cheer again.
Howard said that Dave joked that maybe they should have given the people TVs as well as satellite radio. Howard said that Scott Greenstein and his agent Don Buchwald came up with the idea and called the people at CBS wanted to charge them for doing a commercial when they did that. They eventually worked things out and took care of that.
Howard said it was a big deal to make all of that stuff happen and he knows where the push to charge for an advertisement came from. He said CBS doesn't want satellite radio to be successful. Robin asked if he had 3 segments last night. Howard said they did do that but they had a really short segment that they had to deal with. He said that they don't dick around with the commercial breaks there now. He said they go black for 30 seconds and come right back.
Howard said he was dressed up as a weird Santa-like character last night. Ralph made that up and he looked kind of odd in that. His legs were showing and the caller said that's like the first time his legs have been shown since US Open Sores. Howard thought it would be funny if he just forgot his pants and his cock and balls were hanging out. He's not comfortable doing that with his cock and balls so then he tried it on with tight white underwear. He put on some really pervy boots and almost had like panties on. Ralph was cracking up and then Beth walked in the room and wondered what they were up to.
Howard said he had second thoughts about the pants and brought them with him to Letterman. His agent told him to show what it looked like and told him it looked vile. He had Howard try it on with boxer shorts and went with that instead. He said the tighty whitie thing would have been funnier though. He said it was really funny and Letterman thought it was really funny and had a good laugh.
Howard said that they were talking about what it's like to have kids in their 20s during a break. He said he told Dave that kids at Dave's kid's age love you but they eventually get to the point where they become independent and start hating their parents. He told Dave about that and how weird it is to deal with that. Dave asked him if he would have more kids. Howard told him he already went through it and doesn't want to deal with that kind of work again, he needs more ''me time.'' Howard said he didn't realize Dave was wondering if he should have more kids.
Howard said he went out and kissed the top of Paul Shaffer's head and that was kind of weird. He figured that Dave had a good time because he was laughing the whole time. Dave even walked back stage and shook his hand again when he was leaving and getting unwired by Biff. He said he doesn't like doing those shows because he's always afraid that something is going to happen where he wouldn't come over and shake his hand.
Howard said that Gwen Stefani was kind of cunty and that bummed him out. He said he's really attracted to her and she really does it for him. He said he thinks she's fuckin awesome and her body just kills. He imagined her lips on his cock... Then he said that there were a bunch of fans outside the studios and they were so enthusiastic that it made him feel really good. He feels that he has a Stern Army that's out there. He said High Pitch Eric, Mariann from Brooklyn, Eddie the Produce Guy and others were there. It made him feel really good.
Howard said he went in and passed Gwen Stefani as he was going in. She said hello to him and he told her that he loves her new song, which he really does. She had to leave to rehearse so he let her go. Then after his appearance he saw her again and told her and her whole crew how good they were. He said Gwen blew right by him when he saw her the second time and it kind of bummed him out.
Robin said she's seen Gwen on other shows and she doesn't seem like a very warm person in general. Even with her fans. Robin said that she was thinking that maybe she shouldn't talk on these shows because she is so cold to people. Howard was hoping that Gwen would blow him. That wasn't happening though. Howard said Beth wanted to see the appearance this morning so they watched a little of it before he left.
Howard said he brought his Christmas card with him to show Dave and to tell him about what his mother said about it looking like Beauty and the Beast. He said Beth looked really good in that picture. He thought he looked good too but his mother thought it was like Beauty and the Beast. Howard said people have been e-mailing him about that and they tell him that he's too sensitive.
Howard told Robin that he talked about her meat and vegetables thing. She said that's just great, now even more people know what she did. Howard said he had a lot of fun and Dave gave him a lot of time to promote. He said that on SternFanNetwork the fans were complaining that it was an old clip from the K-Rock days. He said they were just trying to get some promotion out there. He said a lot of people thought that they should have shown Richard Christy getting waxed so maybe he'll do that on Conan's show tomorrow night.
Howard said that even his agent told him how great that appearance was last night and he never tells him stuff like that. He said that actually kind of pisses him off.
Howard asked Bong Hit about this trust fund, which he's supposed to get at 35. Bill said he used to have a heroin problem like Artie and the pot smoking is no big deal to him. Howard told him that he'd better have a pre-nup when he marries his girl. Bill said he's not stupid but Howard told him to think that through before he goes through with it. George Takei said he'd be worried about this guy being on the road for the next 5 years smoking pot and all.
Artie said it would be nice if the guy had a job and had that million bucks to fall back on. Howard said it would suck if he died at the age of 34 before he gets the money. That led to Bill saying that Riley Martin says that the Aliens are supposed to come down around that time so maybe he will miss out on the million bucks.
Howard said Riley was talking about the curse he put on them months ago. He played an audio clip where Riley told a caller that he did not put a curse on them and they have nothing to worry about. Riley said that he had to tell everyone to take care and be careful what they say about people because they may get a curse put on them.
Artie said that today is Cupcake Wednesday and he was afraid that he was going to miss out on them so he asked Howard if he could run out and get some. He didn't have to get up, Ronnie brought some in for him. Artie asked George if he wanted one so he took a Chocolate one. Artie told him he was a motherfucker because that's his favorite.
Robin mentioned that Brian Phelan brought in some bagels and stuff and she heard Scott the Engineer ask him ''What, no napkins?'' after the guy had brought in all of this food for everyone. Scott came in and said that George was out there too and he asked if there were any napkins, so that's when he asked about the napkins. Howard said that Gary was talking about how Scott gives out his Christmas gifts early so people know that he's given them gifts so they don't forget about him. Howard said people usually forget about him but they can't forget if he gives gifts early.
Artie said that Scott drove him home yesterday and said that Scott's car... He has to get a new one. He said that Scott has a car that you feel like it's going to disintegrate when you touch it. He has a back door that won't open and it's awful. Scott said that it's a 10 year old Civic that he drives into the city. He has a newer car at home. Artie offered to pay for Scott's parking but he didn't even take that. Howard heard that Scott asked for toll money but Artie said that wasn't true.
Artie told Scott he really should get a new car. Scott said he's not getting one unless Howard gets him something. That led to Artie talking about how Howard giving Robin her Mercedes ended up on some VH-1 show. He said they were showing the car and doing a whole spot about how Howard spends his money.
Howard said he hates how he has his Letterman appearances picked apart. It's a good thing people don't pick apart his radio show like that. He said it shouldn't be so important for him to do so good on that one show. Artie said that when you're a comedian you put pressure on yourself even more when you get popular. He said that when he did Letterman, he thought that if he sucked, everything he's done in his career would have meant nothing.
Howard mentioned that Howard TV has a special with High Pitch Eric sitting next to a fire that people can watch on Christmas day. The guys watched that going on in the studio and were grossed out by what they were seeing. Howard said they have that and hundreds of hours of stuff available on Howard TV. He let Eric go a short time later. Eric said that he's doing an internet radio show and people can hear him on PrankCallRadio.com
Howard had some audio from that show that Artie mentioned earlier (''Fabulous Life of ...'' : ''Jaw-Dropping Celebrity Splurges''). He played the clip where this guy talks about how much money he makes and how much he spent on Robin's Mercedes. Artie said that the report is brutal. Howard continued playing it and when they started talking about the house he's having built, he cut it off and said he couldn't listen.
Artie said that they talk about Jerry Seinfeld being one of his neighbors but Howard said the guy doesn't live anywhere near him. He said that Seinfeld has like 20 acres out in the Hamptons and it's not close to where he's having his house built. That led to the guys talking about how Steven Spielberg has a house out that way as well but it's not close to Howard either.
Howard said that no one is watching VH-1 but Robin said a lot of people she knows have seen this segment that he was playing. Howard played more of the clip and they talk about how much he's spending on this house of his. He cut it off again and took a phone call.
Mike asked Howard if it gets harder to have kids as they get older. He said he's got a 3 year old right now and it's a great age. Howard said it does get harder and it gets weird as time goes by. Howard said it probably helped his kids when they got old enough to go to school because they got away from him. He said that things change and the kids get friends and start challenging you.
Mike asked Howard who he thinks his kids get along with better, him or his wife. Howard said he thinks the girls get along with his ex-wife because girls tend to get along with their mothers better. He said he can't talk to them about their periods and stuff. He also talked about his daughter's dating and stuff like that. He doesn't want to be like the guy who says that no guy is good enough for his girls. He wants them to be happy and all. Howard said his 13 year old won't tell him anything but she will talk to Beth.
Howard said that his oldest daughter thought he was going to have someone following her around when she went to school. He said he would worry but he'd never have anyone following her around. Robin said that it's better to be the aunt because you never lose them that way. Howard let Mike go and wondered what it would be like having that guy as a dad. Artie said he seems like a good guy and seems to work hard.
A caller asked Howard what the origin of ''Hey Now!'' is. Howard explained that it came from The Larry Sanders Show but it really had no meaning. It was kind of a take on Ed McMahon's ''Hey Ohhhh.'' Howard said that Hey Now was always one of his favorite lines. The caller said that he's taken it to another level talking about it on the show like that.
The caller also brought up Howard's outfit on Letterman last night and said that he's got balls to wear something like that. Howard aids he never wants to take himself too seriously so that's why he can go on the show and wear something like that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Howard how great Letterman was last night. She said she saw the people coming out with the radios and they loved that they got them. Mariann said that Howard was incredible. She got into the green room at the show and got to sit with Scott Greenstein over there. Howard said he heard that Scott was so excited about the appearance that he came in his pants. Mariann said