Howard welcomed everyone to the show and said that they've been doing this for almost a year there at SIRIUS. He mentioned that they had their weekly meeting last Thursday and he was handed the news about Ed Bradley dying. He was very sad to see that because he really enjoyed doing the interview with him for 60 Minutes. He said the first interview he did with Ed didn't go so well but the second one went great. He said it was really something else to be interviewed by Ed.
Howard said Ed Bradley was the nicest man. They went to Roosevelt Long Island together and Ed treated him very nice while they were there. He said Ed was a lovely guy and he really liked him. He said Ed was friends with a bunch of celebrities like Hunter S. Thompson and Winton Marsalis among others.
Robin said that Ed was very sick but it seems that not too many people knew about it. He kept his personal life private and didn't really tell everyone about what was wrong with him. Howard said he was diagnosed with Leukemia 5 years ago and he was told that he could live a long life with it. It was something he should have been able to control.
Robin said the cancer turned crazy and got very aggressive with him and that's what got him. Howard said just about a week ago he was telling Beth that he really liked Ed and he'd like to invite him over to dinner. He thought it might come across as kind of strange so he never did call him. He said he was going to call him but he thinks of himself as an asshole and didn't want to bother the guy.
Artie asked Howard how his dinner with Steve Martin went because that's kind of the same thing. Howard went but he felt awkward with him. He said he felt comfortable with Ed on and off camera because he really did like the guy. He wanted to talk to him again but he just never did.
The caller thought it was kind of strange how Ed seems to have two different personalities and that might show that he was a little wacky. Howard said it just showed that he could go out and have some fun after working a serious job like he had. Howard said that Fred could be considered weird like Ed because he has two different names. He actually changed his name to Eric.
Howard asked Fred if anyone calls him Eric at all. Fred said he doesn't ask people to do that, he just goes with what people are used to. Everyone in his life is used to calling him Fred so that's what he goes by. Artie said he might start calling him Eric just for the hell of it. Howard understands why Fred changed his last name to Norris because that's what they call him on the air. His step-father's last name was Norris so he took that name. Fred had issues with his biological father so he didn't want to go by that name.
Howard said that if Fred changed his name to Fred Cohen or something, you'd think he was nuts. He thinks that changing his name to Eric is the same thing. He seems to think that Fred is a bit out of his mind. He asked Fred if his wife calls him Fred. Fred said she does go by that name and she wasn't in on the name change.
Fred explained how he always hated the name Fred but his mother was going to name him Eric when he was born but his father wouldn't allow it. He heard the story and decided to change the name because that's what his mother wanted when he was born.
Fred explained that his middle name was Leo but his godmother gave him that name and she's the one who stole his father away from his mother so he hated that. Now his full name is Fred Eric Norris. He is Fred then, not Eric Fred. Howard wanted to get to the bottom of the whole name thing but Fred seemed to be a little annoyed by the questioning.
Howard spent a couple more minutes trying to find out exactly what Fred's name was but Fred was giving him a hard time about it. He told Howard that his full name is Fred Eric Norris and that's that. Howard and Robin thought that Fred and told them years ago that he had changed his name to Eric Fred Norris but Fred said he never said that, it was Blab-a Booey who told them that. Gary heard that and wasn't sure what he was goofing on him about so he came in to find out what was going on. Fred played a few ''MacHine'' song parodies while that was going on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it was great that it was only 20 after 6 and Fred was already on the ropes. Fred thought that Gary had found his name change in the logs for the show back when they used to keep track of that stuff.
Fred tried to change subjects to get Howard to do something else. He was reading all of the bits he had to play today but Howard continued to talk to him about his name change. Howard took a call from a guy who played a cuckoo clock sound effect for Fred. Fred still just wanted them to move on and stop talking about his name change. Howard said his reaction is very funny, that's why he wouldn't give up on this whole thing.
Howard got off the subject of Fred Eric and got back to Ed Bradley for a short time. He talked about how much he liked Ed's energy. He and Robin were soon back on the subject of Fred but they only spent a few seconds on that.
Howard said Sal and Richard also called this Hugs for Harlem show which is one they call often. The host didn't get too pissed when they called in with some Riley Martin audio clips. Then Sal called in and asked how he can get the black people to move out of the neighborhood. They told him that they have his phone number and know who he is and that he works for the Howard Stern Show. The host seemed to be trying to stay calm as he thanked Howard Stern for the calls.
Howard said that Artie just isn't good at these football pools. Artie said he also lost six grand in Vegas because of this. He had won $3,500 last weekend but he lost it all this weekend when he let it ride. He and the guys talked about the Giants game for a short time after that.
Howard said that Artie brought out Dana at the end of the show and the whole place sang Happy Birthday to her. Robin said she missed that part of the show. Artie said he figured that would have given Howard and Robin a chance to bolt out of there that night.
Howard asked Artie if he got laid that night. Artie said he did get laid at the Ritz Carlton no less... and it was Dana he slept with.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was at the Carnegie Hall Show. He said that Double A was sitting in front of him and he was very annoying. Howard said he saw that and he was wearing a jacket that said Double A on it. He was standing there yelling out to Artie and just being annoying according to the caller.
Artie said that he and Dana went out for drinks before the show and got his room at the Ritz Carlton. The caller asked Artie what happened with that chick Stephanie he was supposed to go on a date with. Artie said he had a big weekend. He did go out on the date with that chick. He said he didn't sleep with her though. Howard said he doesn't believe that Artie is still with Dana. He doesn't buy it and he's not sure what's going on with Artie.
Howard said he doesn't think that Artie and Dana are a couple because he doesn't get the vibe that they're together. Artie asked him where he gets that from. Howard said that Artie and Dana went through a lot of stuff and he doesn't think that Dana knows who Artie is because of his heroin addiction and all of that stuff. He said he's hooked Artie up with this new chick Stephanie who was on the show last week and he could be out banging that chick. Artie has baggage and he doesn't think that Dana wants to deal with that. This new chick could deal with it because she didn't go through it with him. He said that Artie and Dana have a rough road ahead of them.
Howard said he's not saying that Artie and Dana won't work things out but it's going to be really tough. He doesn't think that Artie needs the aggravation. Howard said he's given people advice over the years and people end up hating him for that so maybe he should keep his mouth shut. Artie told him it was too late for that, he had already opened his mouth.
Artie said that things are a million percent better than they were 4 months ago. Howard thinks that Dana is going to throw that stuff in his face all the time whenever she needs to. Artie said that maybe he's got things to throw in her face but Howard wouldn't know that because he hasn't discussed it on the air.
Artie said that Dana has nothing on the level of Heroin in her life but sometimes she doesn't listen to him. He said that neither of them have cheated on each other as far as he knows so they don't have any of that kind of stuff to use against each other. Artie said that this new chick would have a lot of stuff to bring out against him if he dated her.
Gary told Howard they had some clips to play from Artie and Stephanie's date. Howard saw a picture of her with Artie and he thought she looked great. Artie said that any chick he dates is going to know about all of his problems so maybe he shouldn't date another girl ever again.
Artie told the guys about how he bought that chick a new dress for the date and drove her around the City. He said he brought her back to his place, with the Howard TV crew in the car. He said he didn't want to go out, he just wanted to hang out at home. Howard thought that was kind of interesting that he brought her back to his place. Artie said they had a couple of drinks and hung out but the camera crew had them doing retakes of scenes in the apartment.
Howard asked if Dana knew about the date. He said she did know about it and she went out to dinner with his sister. Artie said he and Stephanie hung out on his terrace and had a nice discussion. He said she's a very bright girl and they had a lot of fun hanging out. They went down to a restaurant after that and had a nice dinner together.
Howard had a note from Isaac from Howard TV who told him about what Artie and Stephanie ate at dinner. Artie had a giant roast pork shank. Artie described it as something from the Flintstones. Isaac said it weighed a full 2 pounds with the bone. Stephanie had some ravioli for dinner. Howard saw some video of the two of them eating and thought it was pretty funny. Howard got a laugh as he was watching the video.
Howard asked Artie if he gets all gassy and has to fart after eating that much food. Artie said it's not right away, but the next day it hit him. That led to Howard talking about going to see Artie at his show and how he went to the bathroom at Carnegie Hall before the show. He said the fans were all yelling his name so he didn't want to go in there. He just walked out as soon as he was done going pee but some guy was in there taking a shit so a bunch of people have been saying that it was his shit that stunk up the place.
Howard got back to Artie and asked him about the pork shank he was eating. Artie said he was just eating like he would eat in front of anyone. He didn't finish all of the food he ordered, so he took some of it home with him. He even took Stephanie's ravioli home with him since she didn't want it.
Artie said he wouldn't have taken a doggy bag home with him if he was really on a first date. Howard read more of Isaac's note about the date and all of the stuff Artie was showing Stephanie as they were out driving around. Gary said that Artie was showing the chick his apartment but he didn't turn on the lights in the room. Artie said it was lit, it just wasn't bright enough for the TV camera.
Howard asked Artie if he and Dana did break up, would he call that girl. Artie said he got the vibe that this chick might not have been into him that much. Robin thought she should have been on the phone this morning. Artie said he thought that's what Howard was going to do but he didn't have her on the phone.
Artie said that Stephanie was a very nice girl but he just got a kiss and a hug from her at the end of the night. He said she was kind of naive about New York in a fun kind of way.
Howard had an audio clip where Stephanie asked Artie about these Devil Dogs and Tastycakes that he always talks about because she had never heard of them. Artie told her about them and then told her a story about going out to a White Castle out in St. Louis with some fans because he was so hungry.
Isaac came in and said that this girl really liked Artie. Artie, who is 39, said he asked the girl, who was 23, if she really wanted to be changing his diapers in 10 years if they were a couple. Howard said it'll probably be less than 10 years before he has to wear diapers.
Howard played some more audio from the date where Artie asked the waiter to wrap up his food so he could take it home. He had him throw in some more bread and Stephanie's ravioli. Gary said that every discussion Artie had that night was about food. He told Howard to play another clip where Artie was talking about doing this gig out in St. Louis and he had heard about this candy place out there so he wanted to go visit it while he was there.
Robin asked Artie if all of his discussions are about food when he goes on a date. Artie said that's pretty much the case. Howard played another clip where Artie was driving Stephanie around and pointing out all of these restaurants, bakeries and things like that. Even Artie was laughing his ass off at his conversations with this chick. Artie told Stephanie about Katz's Deli and how it's a legendary place in New York.
Howard took a call from Eric the Midget who said he heard Robin make a comment about his pork shank. He threw in a joke about Artie being a pig while talking about that. Howard let him go and took another call from a guy who said that Artie's date was really hot. He saw a picture on Howard's web site.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Artie has to shit or get off the pot with this whole Dana thing. She was going off on him and Artie just flipped out and told her to shut the fuck up. Howard hung up on her and took a call from Siobhan the transsexual. Siobhan said she got a ticket for his show from Irish John. Artie said he sees that guy at a lot of games and shows and he's very supportive of him and the show. Howard whipped through a bunch of other calls after that.
Artie told a quick story about his uncle meeting Howie Mandel at the show and how his uncle felt insulted when Howie put his fist out to get a fist pump instead of shaking hands. He said that his uncle punched him in the fist as if he was punching him in the face because he was expecting a hand shake. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Reichen was an Air Force captain before he met Lance. Back then they had the don't ask, don't tell policy in place and he had never acted on his homosexual feelings. While he was in the military he claims he was raped by another man. He hated everything about himself as he was growing up because he figured it was all wrong.
Reichen told Howard about being in this military school and how these two upperclassmen came and took him into a room and put him over a candle doing push-ups and figured they were just initiating him. He said they ended up performing oral sex on him. Howard said he must have loved this. Reichen said he was scared to death and it was really messed up but he did have pleasurable feelings. he said he never reported this to anyone but he never saw those two guys again either.
Howard asked Reichen about how the rape went and if he asked them to stop. He said he tried to fight his way out of it but they said that they were going to beat the shit out of him if he didn't shut up. Howard asked him if they swallowed his jizz. Reichen said he didn't remember but Howard said he's remembered every time a woman has swallowed his.
Reichen told Howard he did some real estate investing after he won the Amazing Race. That led to him getting his real estate license and started selling properties to celebrities out in California.
Howard asked Reichen about how he met Lance Bass. Reichen said he didn't even know who Lance was because he didn't listen to that kind of music. He was introduced to him one time and didn't know he was gay. Howard said that Reichen sounds kind of gay so Lance must have known he was gay. Reichen didn't seem to think he sounded gay but Howard and Robin both said he did have a certain way of speaking that did make him sound either gay or very young.
Reichen said he was working with Lance and he knew that he was gay already because he had come out on national TV. He became closer friends with Lance and he eventually let him know that he was gay as well. Howard wanted to know when they started doing stuff to each other. Reichen said they took it slow, they didn't do things right away. Howard wanted to know how long it was before Lance put it in his ass but Reichen wasn't going to talk about that with him.
Howard asked if they kissed once they knew they were both gay. Reichen said they did kiss on the first date. Howard asked who likes to put it in the other guy more. Reichen just laughed and wouldn't answer. He said he can't believe he sounds gay to Howard. He told him it took a few weeks before they became intimate.
Reichen told Howard that it's amazing to see Lance surviving this coming out thing he just did recently. Howard asked him how much he thinks Lance is worth. Reichen said he really doesn't know. Howard asked how the went out and had dates when lance was still in the closet. He said they did everything in private and didn't go out.
Howard gave Reichen a plug for his book ''Here's What We'll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and the U.S. Air Force Academy'' which is out now. He asked Reichen if he and Lance have nicknames for each other. He wouldn't say at first so Howard had to coax it out of him. Reichen said he calls Lance ''baby'' all the time. Howard wanted to know if he swallows his man's stuff but Reichen said he wasn't going to talk about that stuff. He wanted to just talk about this book he was promoting.
Howard read that Reichen had spoken to Clay Aiken on the phone so he wondered what was going on there. Reichen said there was nothing gay going on there, it was all professional. Howard wanted to know why the guy called him then. Reichen said he only called one or two times, that's it.
Howard wanted to know who was the top and bottom in the relationship but Reichen wasn't talking. He didn't want to get into that stuff, it was too personal. Reichen wanted to talk about the military thing. Robin figured he likes the anal stuff so that's why he wasn't talking. Howard kept asking him over and over again about that stuff but he wasn't talking so Howard told him that he's such a girl. He told him he should get over it and just talk about sex, it's not a big deal.
Howard asked Reichen if he would ever fist a guy. He said ''no way'' so Howard wondered why he wouldn't because he'd stick his finger up there. Reichen seemed to be getting annoyed with him. Howard asked him if he and Lance are exclusive. He said they are exclusive with each other. Lance is in New York receiving an award this week.
Howard gave Reichen another plug for his book and took a call from a woman who said that this guy is really hot. She said she's seen him on TV and thinks that he's really good looking. Howard said he seems like a good dude too. He'd like to have the two of them on the show sometime to talk about this stuff. Reichen said that they're both fans of the show.
Reichen said that he's been listening to the show for 15 years. Some people didn't think he should do the show but he doesn't think that Howard hates gay people and he could handle it. Howard heard that Reichen had changed his name from Richard to Reichen so he asked him why he did that. Reichen said he hated the name Richard and had to change it. High Pitch Eric called in and asked Reichen ''How big are your balls?'' and then called him a faggot. Howard hung up on him.
Howard said this guy seems like a good dude. He gave him another plug for his book and ended up talking more about the gay things that went on in the Military while he was in there. Reichen said that there was a whole society of gay guys in there and they would all hang out and come up with stories to tell people when they were asked about where they were at night.
Reichen said he knows of a lot of gay celebrities and some of the names would blow people's minds. He said it's not his place to out those people though so he doesn't do that kind of thing. Artie asked him if one of the names rhymes with ''Stavolta.'' Reichen just laughed.
Artie asked what kind of stories they would tell the other Military guys when they would make up their lies. Reichen said that they would make up really wild, intricate stories to tell people to explain what they were out doing to get away with things. Howard wrapped up with Reichen a short time later and let him go. he told him ''Keep it greased'' as he was getting off the phone. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard had the guys bring in Tabitha Stevens so they could have a couple of women compete for the chance to be in her final porn movie. Howard said Tabitha is as skinny as ever and that's the way he likes it. He asked her what was wrong with her when she walked in because she seemed a little dazed. She said she couldn't hear so Gary had to come in and fix her headphones. She also said that Gary didn't like her blonde hair.
Howard said that Tabitha thinks that she's fat and is thinking of having two ribs removed. He had her stand up to see where she thinks she's fat. She showed the guys her body and pulled down her pants to show off her landing strip. Howard likes that area fully shaved but Artie said he likes it just the way it is.
Howard asked Tabitha about this final movie she's making and thought that she had said this before. She said she's never said she had done her final porn movie. This one will be the final one. She's going to do this one final porn movie and she's going to raise goats and alpacas on her farm. She said she has a boyfriend now and lives with him.
Howard told Tabitha they have two chicks there who are going to act out a scene with Big Foot Mark today. He was going to get into that but Artie said that there's something different about Tabitha today. He said that she's very ''normal'' today and she's not acting as crazy as usual. She said that she is on Xanax today so maybe that's what it was. Artie couldn't get over how normal and calm she was acting. Howard wanted her to show her asshole to see if her bleaching has stuck with her. She didn't want to do that and said she would do it if she could see Artie's asshole. That wasn't going to happen.
Howard had Gary bring in Zoe and Isabella who wanted to get into this movie with Tabitha. He spent a few seconds speaking to Zoe and had her take her clothes off. She took her clothes off and Howard said she might need implants. Tabitha said she has a young look and she doesn't need implants. Zoe has done some modeling and has worked as a dominatrix. She said she made $200 an hour doing that job. She said she has peed and pooped on guys before. Howard asked her how she does that if she can't poop. She said she's had to use an enema to make that happen.
Howard asked about the shitting thing and if it stinks up the room. She said it's horrible but the guys will rub it in and get into it. She talked about a Chinese businessman who once had her stick a bunch of stuff up his ass for him. She shoved eggs, candles and other things up there. She said she could fit about 2 inches of the candle in there. She also shoved eggs up his ass with condoms on them. She said one of them got stuck in his ass and she had to fish it out with her hand. Luckily it was wrapped in a condom.
Howard read that she once stepped on a man's balls with a stiletto heel. She said there was some bleeding after she did that. She kind of enjoys doing that stuff. Howard asked Zoe to do a little modeling for Tabitha so she could get an idea of what she looks like. She's 30 years old but Robin said she didn't look that old.
Howard had Big Foot Mark come in so he could act out this scene with the girls. Big Foot came in and said he was ready to go with this chick. Howard said that he was going to be playing the part of a proctologist, Dr. Big Foot. Zoe was playing the part of Candy Melons. Big Foot was acting a little odd this morning so Artie asked him if he was on the ''happy smoke'' this morning. Big Foot said he was and he also told Artie he wanted to eat his ass.
Howard had Zoe and Big Foot start their scene. Big Foot was slow delivering his lines so he may have been fed his lines from Richard and Sal in the back room. Big Foot was telling her to milk his prostate and things like that. Big Foot would hesitate before delivering his lines like he wasn't quite sure what to say. Howard ended the scene and said he was going to take some points off for not sticking her finger up his ass. She didn't know she was supposed to do that.
Howard gave Tabitha a plug for her web site TabithaStevens.com and then moved on to the next woman, Isabella. Howard asked her some questions about her job as a stripper. She stripped down during the questioning and Big Foot said she had quite a snatch and a nice little bush on her.
Howard asked Isabella why she wanted to be in the movie and she said she always wanted to do a woman and wanted to do it with Tabitha. Big Foot interrupted and said that he had an experience recently with two women. Howard tried to find out more but he was really out of it and wouldn't give a straight answer. He said that the girls would take their clothes right off when he'd bring up Howard's name.
Howard read that Isabella has been with over 100 guys. She said it's probably more than that, she hasn't kept track. She said she would go out with any cute guy she met when she was stripping. She said she's no longer stripping though. Big Foot said that he's a cute guy and she should go out with him because he's got 9 1/2 inches.
Isabella told Howard she once went out with 5 guys and took 5 hits if ecstasy, one for each guy, and they all took turns with her. She said she enjoyed the whole thing. Tabitha said she once did 10 guys at once, without taking drugs. She said she had a lot of fun that night. She had to go to the hospital the next day because she was so raw from doing it so much.
Howard asked Big Foot about having a guy up his ass. He said he's done that and he still had one in there who was trying to get out.
Howard had Isabella and Big Foot move on to the next scene. She was going to play the part of Misty who wants to get a baby from an adoption agency. Big foot was the adoption agency guy and had a doll playing the part of the baby. Big Foot delivered his lines and Isabella played along with him. She tried to seduce him to get the baby. She had Big Foot feeling her boobs and then asked him to stick his hand in her stinky hole and then asked him to jerk off in her hair. Big Foot had actually put his hands on her during the scene and Gary had to ask him to let her go.
Gary said Isabella covered up her private parts when she asked Big Foot to stick his hand in there. She didn't want him to actually try it. Howard said that both of the girls did a good job but Isabella was a little more physical with her part. Zoe thought she had more to work with in her scene.
Howard told Tabitha she has most of the vote in this competition. He told her to go over and touch the girls if she wanted to. She got up and put her hands on breasts and had the girls taking their underwear off so she could check them out. She was checking out the girls very close. Artie said she knew just what she was doing and went right in to do it. Isabella was a little thrown off by Tabitha being so forward.
Howard told Tabitha to go over to Zoe. She had her stick out her tongue and kissed her. Tabitha asked if she could have both of them. Howard said it was up to her, she could have them both if she wanted. Artie thought that would be a good idea.
Big Foot told Tabitha to take him because he has 9 1/2 inches. She didn't believe it so he whipped down his pants and showed the guys what he had in there. Tabitha said it was nice but it wasn't hard. Big Foot said when it's hard it's 9 1/2 inches. He said it looks like a ''bayana'' (banana) when it's hard. Howard was trying to talk to him but he couldn't understand what he was saying. Big Foot wanted to take all of the girls home with him.
Howard had some audio of this guy Joe Scarborough using the F-word on the Tucker Carlson show. He played the clip and asked the guys if they thought he had heard something. In the clip Tucker introduces him and Joe says that the intro was ''pretty fuckin' awesome.'' Howard played it over and over again and it was kind of hard to hear but that's what it sounded like.
Howard said a lot of ''MacHine'' song parodies have started rolling in. He played Richard Christy's parody to the tune of Baker Street. He said that Dan the Song Parody Man has created a few as well. He took Gary's MacHine clip and threw it into a bunch of songs.
Howard said that the guys took some audio of Tracy Morgan doing this gagging sound during his interview recently and made some prank calls. They called a woman who kept coughing on the phone and had him making his gagging sounds.
Howard replayed the prank call he played earlier in the morning where Sal and Richard used clips of his parents to call a political discussion show. He looked through his computer and found another MacHine bit. Sal the Stockbroker called a store and asked if they fix Washing MacHines. One woman kept correcting him so he told her to put a man on the phone.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire'' show that Fred helped Robin with and if he would help him out as well. Fred didn't want to do that again because he actually didn't help Robin out at all.
Another phone caller told Howard that they should follow Big Foot Mark around for a week. He thought that his porn performance should be nominated for the funniest porn clip contest. Doug Goodstein came in and said that they have already discussed that idea and they will be doing a Weekend with Big Foot.
Doug told Howard about what they have coming up on Howard TV this week. Doug told him about some of the shows that were going to be added to the service this week. They have Artie's date coming up soon. They also shot a Sybian Documentary that will be up in the near future. Doug mentioned they have a lot of great recent shows up there as well.
Howard said they can't call Joanie ''Chynna'' because the WWE will sue her if she uses that name. She said that she can go by Chyna Doll though. Howard asked Joanie where she made most of her money. She said that she made more doing Playboy than she did while she was in the WWE.
Joanie told Howard that her career hasn't been going all that well since she left the WWE. Howard asked her why she doesn't beg for her job back at the WWE then. She said she doesn't respect the guy and she can't go back to someone who doesn't treat her right. She's done with wrestling and fighting now and she wants to do her music, movies and other things. Joanie told Howard she's playing instruments now but Howard told her she's too old to be starting out on that stuff.
Joanie said she's playing bass guitar now. She said you can check her out on Myspace and said that she's playing with Plastic Jones. Howard had some of their music and she said she can play. She's starting to play keyboards as well and she's starting to write some music. Howard tried to play the music but all he got was static from the CD player. Joanie thought he was pulling her leg but he was serious, it wasn't working in either of his CD players.
Howard told Joanie that it might be a sign that she shouldn't be playing music. Gary took the CD to see if she created a data CD instead of a music CD. Joanie told Howard that she's had a lot of things go down in her life and she wants to do a reality show about her life. She ran down the list of things that have happened to her and said it's time for her to make a change. She said she's off the drugs now but she did a lot of partying. She said she was drinking a lot. She also said that she was hanging out with Kendra Jade and Mary Carey so they would go out and do some crazy stuff.
Joanie said she's not drinking... This week. She said she was out drinking last week but she's done with that for now. Howard asked her if she's dating anyone. She said she is but Howard wanted to know ''what'' she's dating. She said she's sort of dating one of the guys in the band she's playing with. Artie asked her when the guy realized he was gay. She said she saw that joke coming.
Joanie told Howard she wants to go under the knife for her reality TV show and turn herself back about 5 years. She said she wants to get away from this Chynna thing. She wants to do dancing, music and other things. Howard told her she's 35 years old and she can't be doing music now. She said that's what they told Howard too when he started out in radio. Howard said that's different though.
Howard asked Joanie if she wanted to make her tits smaller or something. She said she does so Howard asked if he could check them out. She refused to show them. Howard kept asking to see her titties but she wasn't going to show them. Howard asked her about steroid use but she claims she never did that.
Joanie just wanted to know what Howard thought about her reality TV show idea. Howard didn't understand it. She told him she wants to change her body and become Joanie Laurer. Gary came in and told Howard that he got the pitch from her manager. He told her that she wants to do a transition from the wrestler to the singer. She wants to work on her addictions and other things that she wants to get straightened out in her life.
Howard told her that any reality show she's on would be good as long as she acts kooky like she has in past shows. She did The Surreal Life a while back and she was good because she was acting kind of wacky. She doesn't want to act like that though.
Joanie told Howard she's got 3 movies coming out, one of them is ''Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy'' which is available at JustAnotherRomanticWrestlingComedy.com. While she was plugging that stuff Howard asked her about her relationship with Anna Nicole Smith. She said she's been friends with her for a long time but she doesn't know what's going on with her right now. She hasn't been in touch with her much lately. She said that she knows that Howard K. Stern has been by her side for a long time now so it is possible that he's the father of her baby.
Joanie told Howard about another movie she did with Faye Dunaway, Joe Mantegna and others and how great that was. She said that movie was ''Cougar Club'' and that will be out soon. Howard asked her if she wanted to take a ride on the Sybian. She didn't want to do that today. She mentioned that she'll be on another season of The Surreal Life which comes out in the Spring. She's also going to be in ''Illegal Aliens.''
Howard took some calls from some guys. One guy said that he wanted to go out with Joanie and was hoping that she'd take care of him financially. Howard hung up on him and asked Joanie to give him her best girl voice. She whispered to him and Howard thought that he could do a better feminine voice than she could. He demonstrated that a little bit and it did sound very feminine compared to her voice.
Howard wrapped up with Joanie and gave her a few plugs for the movies she mentioned. She got in a plug for the band she's playing with too. Howard took a call from ''Diane'' which was actually Sal the Stockbroker doing the voice of a very manly woman. Howard finished up with Joanie and went to break a short time later.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about his complaints about Ronnie modifying his Denali's exhaust system last week. He said he just doesn't get taking a perfectly good, quiet car and changing the exhaust. He looks at it like putting cards on a bicycle as a child to make noise with the spokes on the wheels.
An e-mailer told Howard that he really likes the Gilbert Gottfried laugh clips that Fred has been playing. Fred threw in a couple of those clips after that. Howard read a few about Ronnie's tattoo of a panther which he thinks looks like a salamander. Howard said he still thinks it looks like a lizard, not a panther.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's aware that the FCC is screwing with the fans by lowering the power of the FM transmitters within the portable units. Howard said that wouldn't surprise him at all because the government has screwed with him for years. Howard told the guy he'd look into it but he doesn't know much about it so he can't comment on it right now.
Howard read through some mail about Artie's Carnegie Hall show. He also had some feedback about the Wrap Up Show which has been very good lately. One guy thought that Jon Hein is a great host and Gary adds a lot to the show, and so does Ralph.
Some people wrote in about the Jessica Hahn MacHine segment from last week. Howard read some mail about Artie's concert tickets which are $170 each for the Boston Symphony Hall show that's coming up next year. Artie said that he agrees about the ticket prices. Artie said he'd like to complain about it but legally he's not sure what he can say on the air. He said that Carnegie Hall show wasn't that much and he's thinking that people are scalping the tickets to that show.
JD came in and said he saw the movie but it appeared to have a huge head on it but an average length. Howard said he's got about 6 inches himself and Screech's didn't look much bigger than his. Howard said he thinks that Screech is about 6 1/2 inches, that's it.
Howard described what he saw in the movie. He said the chicks were kind of cute. He played some audio clips from the movie where Screech was asking the girls some questions about what they have pierced and if he can see their boobs. He got one of the girls to pull up her top. He had to beg the girl to show him. Howard said there was a lot of talking during that movie.
Screech asked the girls if they wanted to see his monster. One girl said she wanted to see it so he had her ''take the beast out.'' He then had her ''go to work'' on him. JD said that there's a lot of that going on in the movie and there's no cum shot or anything. Fred played JD's techno theme song as the guys goofed on him about that comment. Artie said he's never watched a porno and asked where the cum is. JD said that some guys want to see that kind of thing. JD walked out after that.
Howard played another clip where Screech was talking as two girls were getting it on. He wouldn't shut up and Howard said he's just like his character Screech in the movie and it's no wonder people don't want to sleep with him.
Howard said that Katt Williams was supposed to be on the show last week but he got arrested on weapons charges. He didn't make it to the show but he did get out of jail and someone got a quick interview with him so Howard played some audio of that. Katt kept plugging his DVD which just came out on the same day he was arrested.
Artie asked Steve what happened with boots. Steve said that Boots was seen doing coke right in front of his web cam (BootsTracker.com). Steve said that Boots is saying that this was just a bump in the road but the web cam was pulled by the sponsor and they may even take his weekly salary away from him.
Artie said he heard that Boots was getting bored so that's probably why he got back into that stuff. He feels really bad now. Howard said he doesn't understand boredom these days because there are so many things to do. He said there's internet chess when there's nothing else. Artie said he understands where Boots is coming from and how he doesn't have a job he loves and stuff like that. Howard said a lot of people are in that position and they're not doing coke.
Howard said he feels bad for Joey too because he was doing so well staying on the wagon. Steve mentioned another story they have about some stuff that's for sale on eBay from the Private Parts movie. They'll also be doing a story about Bubba the Love Sponge's 12 boobs of Christmas contest.
Steve said that the guys from Page 69 will have a story about Artie turning down a gig to do a private party for a half hour. Artie said that he's done a couple of those type of things over the years and this guy offered him $40,000 to do it. Artie is booked for something else that weekend but he would do it for that kind of money. He heard that Gary and Dice are going to do it instead.
Gary came in and said he didn't want to say what he was going to get paid to do that gig. He doesn't know what Dice is going to make either. He just knows what Artie was offered. Gary said that he did this guy's party back when the guy turned 35 and now he's doing his 45th birthday. Gary said he introduced the Temptations for this guy 10 years ago. He's just doing an easy appearance at the guy's party and getting paid well to do it.
Gary said that the guy was going to offer to donate $50,000 to the North Shore Animal League if he made an appearance. Howard said he wants the money himself. Gary also said that they're thinking of broadcasting the mini-show from the guy's party. Artie said it would be great if Dice lost it on someone at the show, like the guy's brother or someone like that.
Artie told a story about doing a bachelor party one time where some guys told him about a friend of theirs who was in the audience and had once gotten blown by a hooker that was a dude. Artie said that he wasn't going to do the jokes about that but he saw the guy sitting there and did bring it up. There was silence in the crowd after that. The guy who had gotten blown whipped a bottle of beer at him and it grazed his shin. Artie bolted out the back door and kept running so they wouldn't catch him. This was in the middle of Newark, New Jersey which was the worst place to get lost. He said he eventually went back to get his 1970 Nova so he could get home but he didn't get his $75.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that something went down out on the street before his Carnegie Hall show. Artie said Dana was running late so she calls him from outside. She didn't know where to go so he had to go down and get her. As he was out there this giant crowd of people following him and this Asian woman wasn't paying attention and got hit by a cab. He heard the noise and went over to see if she was okay. Luckily it was just her arm that got hit. The caller said he was right behind the chick and heard her arm get hit so it was pretty crazy.
Howard let Steve go and had Jon Hein give his show preview. Jon mentioned that they'll be talking about Tabitha Stevens' visit today. They'll also talk about Fred's name change and how confusing that discussion was. They'll also talk about Lance Bass' boyfriend Reichen calling in and about Joanie Laurer's visit. Howard let him go and had Robin start her news.
As Howard was wrapping up the show Artie said that he got some flowers from Sam Simon at Carnegie Hall on Thursday night. He figured it was going to be a nice congratulations or something, then he read the card which read ''Congratulations, Luciano Pavarotti is now the second fattest Italian to play Carnegie Hall.'' Artie had to thank Sam for that and said ''Thanks Sam... you scumbag.'' Howard wrapped up the show around 10:50am.
Howard started off the show taking a phone call. The caller told Howard he was watching Howard TV and Heidi Cortez was really hot on the Sybian. Howard said that's what he told people about her visit, she was great on that thing and they had to see her on TV. Howard said they had her in the studio naked one time but this time she was wearing a small top and panties.
Howard had a prank call that Heidi made while she was there. He played the call where Heidi calls a guy who was trying to buy a riding lawn mower. She told the guy it was wet because she rode it the night before. She asked the guy to moan like a lawn mower and she moaned as she was saying it. The guy played along with it a little bit and actually made lawn mower sounds. The guy hung up when she said her clit was wet. Howard wondered why a guy would hang up at that point. Artie figured the guy was done.
Howard took another phone call from a guy who said he was a new listener and wanted to give his best to Artie. Artie took the message and said he'd pass it along to himself.
Howard mentioned that Andy Dick did his Shit Show last night and he thinks that guy is really funny. Chuck Zito also did a show so Artie said he was going to like that show no matter what, even though he hadn't heard it yet. He said that Tim Sabean has to be nuts if he even thinks about canceling it.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she just cheated on her husband with one of her girlfriends. Howard said that's not cheating and it's so hot. The woman said she doesn't know what to do and it was cheating. She doesn't want to tell her husband because he would be so mad at her. She said they had talked about doing it with the woman with her husband there but he didn't know about this.
Howard told the woman that she sounds really hot. He asked her some questions to find out if she's hot. She didn't want to say where she lives but did say she's turning 26 this week. She's only been married for 4 months. Howard said he thinks he'd be really pissed if Beth came home and told him that she was with a woman. That's what the caller was trying to tell him.
The woman told Howard that she was out with her friends at a club and her husband knew about that. She said she's a bartender so Howard figures that she has to be hot. She said that she was wearing a little brown dress when she went out. She claims to look like Katie Holmes and weighs 115 pounds and is 5'6'' tall. She also said she's been told she looks like Mandy Moore.
Howard asked the woman who her friend looks like. She said she's way blonde and super sexy with cute boobs. She was wearing a tube top last night. She said she had to get going because she had just pulled up to her house. Howard kept her on the line because he wanted to know more. She drove around her block so she could stay on the phone.
The woman told Howard that she asked her friend if she wanted to stay in the car so they just sat there. Then she leaned over and kissed the other woman. They got into the back seat of the car and started messing around. She said she saw guys walking past the car looking at them too. She pulled down the top of her dress while the other woman took her clothes off. She said she was the one who did everything to the other woman. She went down on her and licked her. The other woman didn't do anything in return.
The caller said she had to get off the phone because she was home but Howard wanted to hear the conversation she was going to have with her husband. She said she was going to go home and fuck her husband because of the guilt. She kept saying she had to go but Howard kept asking questions trying to keep her on the line. She bailed out though. Howard said she sounded sexy as hell too.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he had just busted a nut during that previous call. Another guy told Howard that this guy Rover, who replaced him in a couple of markets, was just kicked off the air and his local station just changed formats because they were doing so bad. That led to Howard talking about how bad terrestrial radio is because of the FCC. He also mentioned an article that he read recently where the author talked about how great the show was when he tuned in to hear it for the first time during the free internet trial they had.
Artie said that his job has changed a lot since they moved to SIRIUS. He said it's like someone took handcuffs off him creatively because he can do anything he wants now. Howard said that when he started out in radio he didn't have to censor himself that much and over the years it just got worse and worse with the delay and the station cutting up the show.
Howard said that the guys who replaced him have to deal with all of those rules and regulations that he was dealing with. Everyone is being held back except for the Spanish stations who are free to curse for some reason.
Andy said that he can't have Borat taking over the comedy scene in America so he hopes that this movie takes over the number 1 spot. The caller also told Andy that Howard isn't a fan of Tenacious D. Andy didn't understand that and said that Howard doesn't always have good taste.
Howard said he's a fan of Jack Black but he's never really heard their music so he's not sure if he would like them or not. Fred had one of their songs to play which is their latest single release from the movie soundtrack. Howard knew about that song and why they have it in the movie so he explained what he had read in his notes.
Howard played one of the Tenacious D songs called ''Fuck Her Softly'' from one of their albums. Gary came in after that and gave Howard a medley that Tenacious D did. Howard listened to it and said that they actually sound pretty good even though they're trying to be funny. Artie said he's not sure if people take their music seriously or not. He thought that they were doing it as a goof but they seem to be taking it pretty seriously.
Howard said that Andy Dick did a song on his show last night called ''Dip Your Dick in Vodka'' so he played the audio of that performance. The song was about what his grandfather used to do after having sex so he wouldn't get the cock flu. Howard said that's what a lot of guys used to do when they were in the military and going over seas. They would wash in alcohol after screwing women.
Howard let Andy's song continue and said that a lot of comedians are doing comedy songs. He thought that tune was pretty catchy too. He said that he and the guys have their own band, The Losers, and they all think that they're pretty good. He said he thinks that their cover of ''Spirit in the Sky'' was great. He said he always says they suck but he really thinks that they're good.
Fred tried to dig up some of The Losers performances to play for Howard. He was having trouble with his mouse so Gary helped out and set Howard up with some of the songs. Howard played The Losers version of ''Spirit in the Sky'' a short time later. He listened to some of that and said he thinks that they were really good. He figures that's the same way Tenacious D thinks about their music. Howard said he knows Robin probably thinks he's crazy but he really thinks that the song was good. Fred thought it was a lot better than ''Sexy Back'' or something like that.
Howard played another one of The Losers performances where they covered ''Herdy Gerdy Man.'' He said he likes that one as well and couldn't goof on it. Robin told him that there were three record company people listening to that and the whole audience and no one requested to hear the song again. Howard played another one of their performances which was their cover of ''Old Man.'' Of course he thought that one was a great cover as well. Howard said they just never caught on with their songs. He said he sometimes gets moved by some of those songs.
Howard played the acoustic version of ''Every Homo'' that he and Fred performed earlier this year. He thought that one was another great performance. He said that the Backstreet Boys suck, The Losers are great.
Artie mentioned that he's going to be doing some songs during his New Year's Eve show with a band. He said that he's going to be singing but it's supposed to be funny. Fred started to play some of Artie's performance with AC/DC but Howard didn't want to hear that.
Howard took some calls from some people who said that his music sucks. The guy said that the Backside Boys stuff is kind of funny and he should stick with that, not the covers of serious songs.
Robin said that they had Fred's info thanks to Steve Langford but Fred said that the guys at The Smoking Gun had printed his address on the site. Fred said that wasn't a cool thing to do. Howard said that site is owned by Court TV and that's owned by Rupert Murdoch who freaks out if anyone messes with his personal life.
Robin told Howard that Steve found out that Fred's legal name is Eric Fred and not Fred Eric like he was saying yesterday. Gary told Howard that the Court TV thing isn't owned by Murdoch.
Howard played another clip where Benjy talked about how thin skinned some of the people on the show are. He said that Howard, Fred and Robin are all thin skinned but some of the guys think that Robin is thick skinned because she puts up with a lot of stuff.
Howard agreed that Robin was thin skinned. He described how upset she gets with certain people and freaks out on them.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that the acoustic version of ''Every Homo'' is his swan song. Another caller said that he had a good time hearing Fred getting grilled yesterday. He had some suggestions for Fred and what he could call himself. He gave him a rundown of names he could use. He had a whole list of 10 names. He started to run out of steam in the middle but finished off with Howard F. Stern. He had K-Fred, Jon Benet-Norris and a bunch of others.
A phone caller said he was amazed that everyone was still alive this morning after goofing on Fred yesterday. Fred said he was thinking about some of the stuff that was going on yesterday and knows that he melted down but thought that Robin was goofing on Ed Bradley during the show yesterday. Howard said some people agree with Fred because of her comments.
Howard read some of the mail he got about Robin's comments about Fred yesterday. He said that people were really upset with her about what she was saying. Some people thought that they should have just left Fred alone about all of that stuff. One guy said that Fred can do whatever he wants with his name because that's what Aliens do according to Riley Martin.
Howard said Robin got it pretty heavy in the e-mail yesterday. He read some mail about Gary's ''MacHine'' screw up and how it's not funny. One person told Artie to stop betting on the Giants because he keeps jinxing them each time he picks them in the football pool.
Howard read an e-mail where the person complained about him picking on Artie all the time. The writer thinks that Howard should leave him alone because he's made the show so great. Artie joked that he was the one who sent that e-mail in after having a little too much to drink last night. Howard read another one about Artie and Dana where they told him to lay off of both Artie and Fred. People can tell that Artie is getting fed up with him when he goofs on him about Dana all the time.
Howard said he didn't know he was upsetting Artie with the Dana discussions. He said he's just trying to help his buddy out and help him get laid. Artie said he's been getting laid with Dana so he doesn't need any help.
Howard said he had one final e-mail about the Artie thing. The writer told Howard to lay off and stop pissing all over Artie. The writer thinks that he deserves an apology for what he did to him. The guy thinks that Howard needs to go back to therapy.
Howard said he has Artie's best interests at heart and he was just helping out with that date he set him up with last week. Howard changed subjects and asked Artie if he's still playing basketball. Artie said he hasn't been playing much lately and no one has asked him to come back.
Howard said he got some feedback about the Big Foot appearance yesterday. Some people thought it was boring but others thought it was very funny. Artie said that he detected a bit of stench when he was standing next to Big Foot after the show.
Howard read through a few more e-mails and said he was going to take a break. He got some feedback about the Joanie Laurer interview yesterday. One person thought it was rough to play the Munsters theme song as she came walking in. Someone wrote in and told Howard that Tabitha Stevens doesn't look good anymore. Artie and Howard disagreed on that.
Artie mentioned that he spoke to Joey boots about falling off the wagon and doing coke after being sober for so long. Artie said he's dedicated to not doing it again so he wishes him luck in all of that. Howard had to go to break after that.
The guys talked about how brutal Howard can be on the air. Howard said that he saved their friend Ross from a bad marriage. He said he just went out with Ross the other night and gave him some more advice on his marriage but Ross doesn't want to hear it. Howard said he loves that guy and wants to protect him in any way he can. He gives him advice and he needs that tough love from him.
Howard said he's doing the same with Artie but Artie doesn't want to listen to him. Artie said that he thought that Howard liked Dana but when he was going off on him during the show he got the feeling that he didn't want him to stay with her. Howard said that the two of them together are toxic and he's not willing to change for her so he should end the misery and let her go. He said he could date this chick Stephanie and screw her up once he leaves Dana. Fred played Sting's ''Set them Free'' song while Howard was going off on him. Howard sang along to the song and tried to convince Artie to let Dana go.
Howard said he's actually happy for Artie as long as Artie is happy. That's all he wants for him. Robin said that Howard's tone was nasty yesterday when he was telling Artie what to do. Artie said he thinks that he'll run into the same issues with any woman he's with so ''what the fuck.''
The caller on the line told Howard that The Ramones once did a cover of the song ''Time'' so Fred went digging for it and found it. He played the song for Howard and Howard said he liked it. He said it was very plain and very simple. He let the song play through and liked the guitar and the whole performance. He said he didn't know that the Ramones could play the guitar so well. Artie thought the song was great as well.
Gary said that what happened was that everyone comes to him after getting this invitation. He gave Howard the invite so he could read it. It's a cookie exchange party. Howard said Gary heard about this type of party on Oprah's show and everyone exchanges the cookies with everyone else. Howard told Lisa that it's kind of ''a thing'' but she said that she does most of the baking herself. She said that it's a nice holiday thing to do and the people don't have to bring cookies if they don't want.
Artie was saying that no guy is going to want to do that. He said he'd eat the cookies but he's not going to bake any. Gary asked her if any straight guys bring cookies. She said the guys that do bring them are usually gay. Howard said he won't be around the day she's holding that party because he'll be as far away from that party as possible.
Gary isn't going to the party either because it's on a Saturday night. She said she may have to lock up her underwear draw because Sal is invite. She told Howard she'll probably just wear jeans and be comfortable in her apartment that night. She said she's invited 50 people but she's had over 100 people in her tiny apartment at one time before. It ends up spilling out into her hallway. Artie sarcastically said that sounds fun.
Lisa got to her Howard 100 News preview. She said she's doing a story about Howard's advice and will ask people around the station if they take his advice. Artie said that Howard told him he should write a book so he's taking that advice and will be doing that. He said Howard gave him that advice just recently.
Howard said that he's been advising Ross not to have kids but he won't listen to him about that. He said that the guy is at Scores all the time and you can't have kids and go to Scores.
Artie asked Lisa if her rap friends are going to be at her party. He made it seem like he didn't want to go if that was going to be the case.
Lisa said that they'll be following up on the Fred name change. She ran down a few more stories before Howard let her go.
Howard moved on to Joey Buttafuoco who was on the phone. He also had David Krieff on the phone because David is managing him. Howard said that Joey is going back to jail again. Joey said that it's due to an insurance thing he got involved with and a probation violation he had.
Howard said that Joey never takes responsibility for any of these things that he gets involved with. Joey said he does take responsibility for the stuff he does and he doesn't think that what he was doing was all that wrong. He said a lot of auto repair shops do what he was doing. He said it is wrong but a lot of shops do that. Joey told Howard he got into trouble when these ATF agents raided his place and found some shotgun shells in his house that were left there from a previous search.
Joey said he thought that they had taken the shells back in 2003 when they searched his home but when they did a probation search a year ago, they found the shells and arrested him for that. He said he honestly didn't know that the shells were in the house. He knows he has to do what he has to do and serve the year in jail. He told Howard that he has since searched the whole house to make sure this stuff doesn't happen again. He said he will just do his time and come back to his family.
Joey said he's been really sick in the past year and a half. He said he turned 50 and everything started to fall out. He said he had to go to the hospital for Diverticulitus and lost 51 pounds since then. That was just 5 months ago. Howard thought that was caused by stress but Joey said that's not the case. He said that's part of it though.
Joey said he did this show with Mary Jo and Amy Fisher but he didn't make a lot of money from doing something like that. Howard said he read that Joey had testicular cancer as well. Joey said that's true and he had one of his testicles operated on and it was so painful. He said it's a very delicate situation to deal with. Now he's got a prostate situation to deal with and he's not happy about that.
Joey said that he had to have his prostate biopsied and they took 8 pieces out of it. He said they went in there and looked at all of that and they're not gentle when they do it. He said they put this probe through this dildo looking thing and they jam it in there. When they jam it in there it makes you feel like you have to pee, shit and fart at the same time. They pull the trigger of the gun that pulls the biopsy and you feel a vibration through the body like you wouldn't believe. He's been bleeding ever since then and it's been 2 weeks since they did it. He said they go through everything and rip you up in there.
Robin asked him if he put in a replacement ball in his scrotum. Joey said he didn't bother with that. He gave them details on what they ripped out of him and made everyone cringe.
Howard asked Joey about his vending truck business and going to the set of Desperate Housewives to serve food. He said he's part of the Craft Services thing they do on TV shows and stuff. He said people joke around with him when they see him in the truck.
Howard asked David what he's doing with Joey. David said he set up the whole Joey, Mary Jo and Amy Fisher thing and he's looking to do another show where they cover Joey's jail time on TV. He said that Joey doesn't seem to be doing very well and he might just die in there. He said they'll have Mary Jo and Amy visiting him in prison while he's in there.
Joey said he would like to do that Entertainment Tonight thing over again because he thought the host of the show was being a real asshole. He really wanted it to turn out better than it did so he apologized to Amy for how it actually turned out. Howard said that it seems like those three are all locked together for life. He doesn't believe that the TV show will ever happen though.
David told Howard that they do have restrictions for the jail shoot but they are able to shoot in some areas and that's where they will do it. Joey said that it's like Gladiator school in the L.A. county jail, it's very frightening in there.
Howard asked Joey about a story he read about Amy getting an STD from him. Joey said that wasn't true and he doesn't have herpes like it was claimed he did. Joey said that Amy claimed that she was on drugs back when she shot Mary Jo. He said that she was on a few things back then and they may have made her go over the edge. Joey said that it was a lethal combination of drugs that she was on back then.
Joey said that he's still in contact with Mary Jo but it's usually only when she wants money. Howard asked Joey if Amy was good in bed. Joey said that when she was 17 she was good, he doesn't know what she was like at 16. Joey said that she's getting her life on track now and she's married to a good guy that he's met. He talked about what a scumbag her lawyer was.
Howard lost David Krieff when his phone crapped out. Joey said he needed David on the phone to tell him about this project that he's doing. Howard said he had a show to get to, he can't spend all day with him. Joey told Howard he's going into jail in January and he's scared as hell to be going back in.
Howard had David back on the line so he let him plug the show. They're already taping the show and they will be covering his jail time starting on January 8th. Howard let the two of them go and spent a few minutes talking to Robin about how the show probably hasn't been sold yet since they didn't say where it could be seen.
The guys also talked about how Mary Jo doesn't seem to like Joey anymore but Gary said that he doesn't get that vibe from her. He said he talks to her quite a bit and hasn't gotten that vibe from her.
Sal told Howard that Mike Morse came up with a new song about Gary. Howard played that one where Mike sings about Gary and rhymes a bunch of words with MacHine. Howard got a laugh out of that one.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was thinking about some comments that Sam Simon made about Benjy as a writer. He wondered if anyone on the show has a shot in show business after Howard leaves radio. Howard said he doesn't think that anyone else will be in the business after he leaves. Artie said that he thinks that Sal and Richard could do comedy if they got some more time on stage. Howard said he was just being funny and he thinks that everyone the caller mentioned were very talented and people will be grabbing and picking at his corpse once he leaves radio.
Robin is pretty sure that they could all find jobs. Howard mentioned that Stuttering John was scooped up by The Tonight Show and he was one of the least marketable people on the show. He's pretty sure that they'll all be able to find jobs no problem. Howard said that Benjy is a very talented guy and he wouldn't have him there if he didn't think he was talented.
The caller also asked Howard if he was offended by the comments that Artie made about him last week when he said that Howard is able to put down anyone on the show while the rest of the guys can't. Artie said that he gave himself the parameters that he gave himself, he didn't say that Howard told him not to cross a line. Howard said that everyone has a line they won't cross on the show. If they did, they'd probably all kill each other.
Howard took a call from a guy who told a lame joke which led to him plugging Jackie's show that airs tonight. He also mentioned that the Superfan Roundtable is going to be coming from Los Angeles this week. He had to go to break after that.
Howard said that Tenacious D was going to be there in the next hour. He also said that Barbara Walters will be calling in tomorrow. He said that doesn't happen often on the show. He said he once had dinner with Barbara and Robin wondered if he was going to go soft on her because he tends to do that when he's friends with people. Howard told Robin that he would have Barbara riding the Sybian before the end of the interview.
Howard mentioned that Rudy Giuliani is making some moves that appear to be preparing him for a Presidential run in 2008. Howard and Robin spent a couple of minutes talking about that. Howard said he'd love it if Rudy ran for President.
Howard brought up a story he read in the news about Matt Lauer who is in the paper running around shopping with his wife. He said sometimes they're reporting that he's getting a divorce but then he'll be out shopping and smiling with his wife. He can't figure it out.
Robin said that a lot of celebrity marriages don't work out and they're sometimes described as two children being married.
Howard read an article about Clear Channel and how they're firing a lot of their overnight radio personalities. He read the article and said that he thinks that terrestrial radio will die and satellite radio will prevail. He said that Clear Channel is going to a pre-recorded format which will fail.
Garver asked Graham Nash what he's done to help the environment. He mentions that his kids run their cars on Biodiesel, he uses solar panels and other things. He doesn't have a car of his own though.
Garver got an interview with Julia Louis Dreyfus who said that she drives a Prius, a Biodiesel car, she buys post consumer recycled paper and she has solar panels on her house. She hit just about everything.
Howard said that Garver interviewed Wendy Malik who also hit some of those buzz words. She drives a Mini Cooper an old Diesel that she uses Biodiesel in. She also has solar power in her home and no power from the grid. Garver asked her a few other questions and she stuck around through those. Garver asked her what she got on her SATs. She thought she did pretty well but Howard thought her 540 scores in Math were awful. Garver asked her to describe Howard in one word. She said ''Brave'' which Howard seemed to like.
Howard had to replay the Julia Louis Dreyfus interview because she rattled off the stuff she does to help the environment like mad. He didn't even understand what post consumer recycled paper was. He figured it was toilet paper.
Howard said that Tim Sabean gave him some ratings information and their old station is still down at a 1.3 rating overall. Fred played taps and then some of Gilbert Gottfried's evil laughs.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy told Howard he has a problem with Shuli doing his sign offs on the Howard 100 news. He's been saying ''shalom'' but also ads stuff in there like Beotch. Howard said he kind of laughed when he heard him do that though.
Another phone caller told Howard that he sent in a custom version of ''Time'' just for the show. Howard didn't know what he was talking about but Richard told him he had it on his computer. Howard listened to it but he told the guy it was no good. He told him to go back and change it. The guy said that he had changed the lyrics to make it all about the show. Howard said ''it is and it isn't and wanted him to go try again. He said the music bed was good, his voice was a little grating and the lyrics weren't outstanding. The guy took his advice and got off the phone.
Riley said he sent beautiful Beth a symbol and a head band. Howard told him he threw them out so Riley said that Beth should have been with him when he opened it. Howard said the envelope was filthy and it was filled with Riley's awful drawings. There was also a letter to Beth in there that looked like the ramblings of a maniac so he threw them right in the garbage. He just saved Beth from doing the same thing.
Howard asked Riley if he really believes that aliens are going to come down and take only the people who have his symbols. Riley does believe that and he has sent his symbols to people all over the globe. Howard wondered how they're going to pick the people out who have the symbols. Riley said that they will all know where people are located because they are in the aliens neurotronic computer systems.
Howard had to let Riley go but he gave him a plug for his show which airs at Midnight on Howard 101. Riley got off the phone but Howard played more of his voice mail to Will where he was rambling about some message that Tim Sabean had left for him. Riley kept going and going with his rambling message doing an impression of Tim Sabean.
Howard was going to read the note that Riley sent to Beth but he had to get to Tenacious D.
Jack said he didn't think that his comments about knocking out the number one movie just because he's a foreigner were right. The caller that Andy had on the phone said that Howard wasn't a fan of the band but Howard said that's not really true. He just didn't know of the band and their music. He found out about the movie last night and thought that the idea for the movie was pretty good.
Howard asked Jack what he thinks about what Andy said about the trailer. Jack agreed with him and said that the trailer is pretty tame. Howard said he hasn't seen the movie but he did hear about it and it sounds funny. Jack said that their movie is coming out right after Borat and it's not that great of a time for it to be coming out. jack also said he didn't agree with Andy comparing their movie to The Who's ''Tommy'' because that movie was awful.
Howard read that these guys have already sold 2 million albums so they're already successful. He asked jack if it's true that he gets $12 million per film. Jack laughed and said it's not quite that high. jack said he never tells Kyle what he makes, he always low balls it. Howard asked Kyle if it's tough for him to be in the shadow of those huge numbers. Kyle said he does fine with the band, he doesn't need that kind of money.
Howard read that the guys were going to split a million bucks in pay so they could do it. They're taking a 20 percent back end deal or something like that. Jack said it was more like 10 percent and they had to give a chunk of that to their producers. Ben Stiller was on of the producers who took them in the right direction for the movie.
Kyle said that they got the movie deal first and then New Line Cinema jumped in and helped them out. They ended up making a $20 million film.
Howard read that Jack thought that he had sold out after doing the Shallow Hal movie. Jack said that wasn't really his sense of humor in that movie so he felt that he had sold out.
Howard said that he compares his band The Losers with Tenacious D because he tells people that the band sucks, but he really thinks that it's great. He figures that's what these guys are like. Kyle said that they really try to rock out though. Jack said that they have some fun but have also done some serious songs. Howard said he thought their Beatles covers were very good though.
Howard asked the guys if they really want to be rock stars. Kyle said they do kind of get to visit that area with this band. They go out and rock out when the play so they are kind of rock stars. Howard wanted Fred to play some of the Tenacious D Beatles cover but he dint' have it in his system. Howard had it in his CD player. Howard played some of it and Jack thought it sounded really good but he wasn't sure where it was recorded.
Howard asked Kyle how he got into this whole thing. Kyle said that they went to UCLA at different times but got hooked up in a theater company.
Howard wondered why Jack never got in Saturday Night Live. Jack said that he didn't really do any impressions and things like that so he kind of turned it down even though he was never really offered the job. He said he also turned down Titanic but he was also never officially offered that job.
Howard wanted to know what else Jack has turned down, for real, but Jack said he shouldn't do that. Howard jokingly said that he turned down Indiana Jones. He was going to share it with Jack if Jack had shared one with him. Howard said he's been told not to do it and reveal what he turned down, because it wasn't the right thing to do.
Artie said he turned down the chance to play the part of Dane Cook in real life and he regrets that. Jack said that he actually passed on doing High Fidelity three times before he did it. He said he thought he was going to suck so he didn't want to do it. They kept offering him more and more money though.
Robin asked Jack about the movie he's doing with Kate Winslett. He said he likes to do those chick flick type of movies once in a while.
Howard asked Kyle about the comments that Kyle made about him on Lovelines one time. He said that Kyle said that Howard bombed as an actor in Private Parts. Kyle said that's not the case and he was behind Howard the whole time. Howard said he could have embarrassed himself with the acting but he thought it came out very well. He said Chris Rock even told him that he and his friends went out to see the movie just to goof on him but they came away impressed.
Howard had the audio from this interview where Jack and Kyle bad mouthed him. He played that for them and they were pretty brutal with him. Kyle and Jack defended themselves and said that they were looking for Fartman but they got the guy with emotions.
Robin asked Jack about the rumors that Phillip Seymour Hoffman takes jobs away from him. Jack said that they do get offered the same type of roles sometimes. Kyle said that he thought that Jack had a fight with Jeremy Piven one time. Jack said there was something weird but he didn't want to talk about that. Jack asked Howard if he's a fan of ''Entourage'' since Piven is on that. Howard said he watched it once but wasn't into it.
Howard wanted to know about this fight he had with Jeremy Piven but Jack kind of hesitated. He said that he was talking to a director at this party and Piven stepped in front of him to talk to the guy so he was talking to the back of Piven's head. He asked him what he was doing and the guy just looked at him and there was an awkward silence... but it quickly went away.
Howard read that Jack's parents were nudists and they felt that they had to be naked all the time. Jack said they didn't feel that they had to walk around naked all the time, but they would walk around nude quite a bit. Howard asked him if it was weird to see his mother's bush all the time. Jack asked Howard if his mother was in good shape when she was naked. Howard told him about seeing her naked and how big her bush was with the giant areolas on her boobs.
Howard asked Jack is he's got a big penis. Kyle said that it is big but Jack said he's just average. Howard was fascinated with the nudist thing so he asked him more about that. Jack said that his parents would take him to nudist camps and he didn't really mind it. Howard asked if he liked going. Jack said he doesn't remember liking or not liking it. Howard thought he was being dishonest about it and it has to be a traumatic thing for a little kid.
Howard said that it would have been a major trauma in his life if he had been brought to a nudist camp as a kid. Jack didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal. He said that his father wasn't too happy about him talking about this stuff in the past so he didn't want to go there again. He said he's probably not listening this morning though. Howard told Jack that no one has satellite so they're not listening.
Artie said that he once saw his mother's tits and it was pretty shocking. He said he came home drunk one night and his mother was really pissed off at him. She was wearing a shirt with no bra on and she was crying so she grabbed the shirt to wipe her eyes and he saw her boobs. She didn't know that he saw them but he was standing there drunk staring at his crying mother's tits. He said the range of emotions going through him was crazy and weird.
Howard told the guys that he thinks they're good for about $19 million this weekend. They said that they have to break $20 million. Howard said he thinks that 19 would be great but they could get 25-26 on the high end. The guys talked about how much hype the Borat movie got. Howard said he's never seen promotion for a movie like they had for Borat.
Howard gave the guys a plug for their movie and explained what he knew about it from the little bit of the movie that he saw. Howard told the guys that his oldest daughter, who is 24, is a huge Tenacious D fan. Jack didn't know if she was old enough to see the movie but Howard told him she was 24. He said they don't realize that he's an old man at this point.
Howard asked Kyle if he's married. Kyle said he's got a girlfriend, no wife. Howard read that Jack Black had given his wife a $220,000 ring but Jack said it wasn't that much but he didn't want to say exactly how much it actually was. He said he doesn't want someone chopping off her finger to get the ring. Howard asked Jack if he took advantage of his fame and got laid before he got married. Jack said he wasn't a virgin before he got married but that's all the info he would give. He didn't say if he banged any famous chicks.
Howard asked Jack if his agent was mad at him for doing this movie so cheap. Jack said that his agent supports him doing whatever he likes so he wasn't upset with him. Howard asked him if he's got anything in the works where he's making his 12 million. Jack said he's got a few things in the can but nothing coming up.
Howard took some phone calls for the guys after giving them a plug for their movie which is coming out next Tuesday. High Pitch Eric called in and told Jack what a fan he is. Then he said he wanted to go out on tour with them so Howard hung up on him for asking such a dumb question.
Howard asked Kyle about his weight and asked if he's going to slim down a little bit. He also asked Kyle if he's in love with Jack and asked him to profess that love for him on the couch. Kyle did say he loves him but it made Jack uncomfortable according to Robin.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's having issues with her internet connection. Howard didn't know what that was about but Kyle said that they could fix that because they're also computer experts. Howard whipped through a couple more calls from fans of the guys. One guy asked about the Nacho Libre movie and if jack wrote it. Jack said he did not write it but it was based on a real wrestler down in Mexico. Howard said he saw the movie at the video rental place and almost rented it but got distracted. Jack said that was funny that he was out renting movies because he's got enough money to buy them. Howard said he doesn't want to have a whole library of movies though.
Jack told Howard that the guy who write and directed Nacho Libre is the guy who did Napoleon Dynamite. Howard took some more phone calls. A caller told the guys that they should play down in Dallas because they have a million fans down there. Jack said they played there once and the people down there were kind of nuts. One guy ran up on stage and knocked over some stuff, ran out the back door, came back in the front and ran back up on stage again.
Howard asked the guys how long it took to write this movie. Jack said it was about 100 hours but they stretched that over about 6 years. Howard mentioned that the guys will be performing on David Letterman's show tonight. Howard asked Kyle what he weighs. Kyle said he's about 240 pounds. Howard told him that Artie is like 293. Artie said that the scale is rigged and it's not possible that he weighs that much. He said he had to tell his mother that because she was worried about his weight.
The guys spent more time talking about weight so Howard mentioned that he works out at a gym. The guys thought that had to be bullshit and figured he was working out in his apartment. Howard said he goes to a gym, he doesn't work out in his apartment. Howard wrapped up with the guys and went to break an hour and 15 minutes after he started the interview. Gary said that they really had to get going because they had other interviews to do. Howard gave them a plug for their web site TenaciousD.com and movie soundtrack ''Tenacious D The Pick of Destiny'' as he wrapped up with them.
Howard said that if he was getting yelled at like those players were getting yelled at, there's no way he could perform in a game the next week.
Howard had some clips from Chuck Zito's radio show from Howard 101 last night. In the clip Chuck and his buddy were sharing stories about how they met when Chuck brought up a story about how a patch from the movie The Warriors was stolen from a Hell's Angels guy. Chuck said he's in the Hell's Angels and told the guy he couldn't wear that patch, he had to take it off. The guy refused so Chuck started to take off all of his jewelry and warned the guy he was going to punch him out. The guy refused so chuck knocked him out, then a dog started ripping the guy's face off so the cops and an ambulance had to show up and take the guy away.
Artie said that might have been the greatest thing he's ever heard on radio. Howard took a call after that and the caller said he loved the show as well. Howard said they're going to continue to try and bring people more personalities like that.
Artie said he was reading a book about Saturday Night Live and one story was about a bunch of Hell's Angels going up to the offices there to tell them not to use their patch in their sketches after they did that once. They take that shit real serious.
Howard had more clips to play so he asked Gary which ones he should play. Howard saw that he talks about being banned from Las Vegas in one clip. JD told Howard that he goes on a little long in that clip but he cut it into two parts. He had another one where Irish John called in and asked him why he stays in New Rochelle. Chuck said he can't live in California because there are too many stupid people there. He said he was out there one when he had a guy disrespect him by trying to pick up one of his girls so he bitch slapped the guy. He said he just can't deal with that stuff.
Howard said that chuck can't handle that stuff and it is a smack in his face when guys treat him like that. He wanted to play more but the clips were a little long so he was going to have Robin get to her news. He took a call first from a guy who was doing a Cookie Puss impression. He wasn't coming through very clear so Howard had to bail on the call and hung up on him.
Howard had Jon Hein come in with his Wrap Up Show preview. He said they'll be talking about Jack Black and Kyle Gass' appearance today. They'll talk about that and a bunch of other things that went on during the show today.
Howard spent some time talking about something that Robin had brought up earlier. She had asked him if he was going to get married to Beth, who would he have as a best man. Howard said the wedding would probably be very small and he wouldn't have a best man. Robin wanted him to pick one anyway so he said it would probably be someone like Ralph. He also said that he might ask someone like Mel Karmazin but he would keep it very private. He might invite someone like John Stamos to the wedding and maybe have Sumner Redstone as the bathroom attendant.
Howard said he thinks weddings are so gay. He thought the last one he went to was Gary's but Robin reminded him he went to Ross' wedding too. Howard said he doesn't think he'd have any friends at his wedding, he'd do the same thing Fred did. He'd probably just do it during a commercial break.
Hook Nose Mike called in and asked Howard who he would go to for advice if he didn't know what to do. He said he'd probably go to his father. Artie mentioned his agent too so Howard said he would go to either his father or Don Buchwald.
Mike also mentioned that he thought it was weird that Jack Black used to walk around naked at a nudist camp. Howard spent a short time on that subject and said it is kind of strange that his parents got mad at him for talking about certain things that went on in his life. Mike said that he went into a nudist colony one time and it was filled with old dudes leaning over pool tables and stuff. There was no one there that he wanted to see naked. Howard said it's really weird and those people want to experience those things nude. It had to be weird for Jack to go through that in his life.
During the news Artie mentioned that the night of his show at Carnegie Hall he was walking over to the after party at Caroline's Comedy Club and saw Elegant Elliot Offen walking down the street in a nightie and skipping along like a girl. He said that Benjy had seen him but when he asked about it, Howard told Benjy to keep his mouth shut because he was too lazy to turn on his microphone. He had Robin finish up her news after that. They ended the show at around 11:35am.
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Howard started off the show talking about how tired he was. He didn't stay up all that late last night, only 9:30 to watch Dancing with the Stars. He said that Mario dude was a professional dancer and Emmitt Smith never really did any dancing so maybe he should have won technically. Howard said if they're just judging on who is the best dancer, they would go with Mario Lopez even though he doesn't want to see him win. Robin said she watched that episode even though she didn't watch much of the rest of the season.
Howard said the whole show is bullshit because it's supposed to be an amateur dance contest. He said that Mario is an asshole and he's a good looking guy whose life is probably perfect as far as getting pussy. The guy cheated on his wife on their honeymoon from what they've heard. Artie said he cheated on Ally Landry on their honeymoon, that's the kind of pussy he's getting.
Howard said Mario is creepy to him. Artie asked Howard if he would rather be good looking and really creepy or have a good personality and look like them. Howard said he would rather be creepy and good looking. He'd love to be getting so much pussy that he could cheat on his honeymoon. He said he's jealous but still thinks that Mario is an asshole.
Howard said he doesn't care but he just has to know the outcome of the show. He and Beth were wondering how she would have done on that show if she was one of the contestants. Now some of the contestants are going out on tour together which is another creepy thing.
Howard said Beth was offered a ton of money to do another show but he's not sure if he can talk about it. He said it was an insane amount of money to do a police training show. It's like $50,000 a week or something like that for a Network TV reality show. Beth isn't going to do it but the money was crazy. He said he'd shitcan the idea for that show and not do it because he can't imagine it would catch on.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard what he'd be thinking if he saw Beth dancing with Mario Lopez. Howard said that wouldn't have happened since the celebrities compete against each other. He said he probably would have broken up with her anyway because she would have so many guys around her. He said they're so full of shit at that show because they were trying to convince her to do it by commuting to the West Coast. She wouldn't have been able to do that.
The caller was also saying that it looks like Dana is getting old looking and maybe Artie has drained the life out of her. Artie asked the guy to come out to New York and meet him out on the street so he can punch him in the face and shit down his neck. The guy told Artie that he's not funny and he's funnier than he is and he's not even a comedian. The guy said Artie does the same material in his show over and over again. Artie and the caller went back and forth for a few seconds. Artie asked the guy what he does for a living. The guy is unemployed right now.
The caller changed his tune and said Artie isn't all that bad, he's just not a legendary comedian. Artie never said he was. The caller said that Artie is a loser but Artie disagreed and said that he's a winner. He asked the guy what he would like to do for a job. He said he wants to be on talk radio. Artie laughed. The caller said he thinks he could replace Artie some day but that got him another laugh.
Howard had to put that guy on hold because he doesn't even have a SIRIUS radio to listen to. He said he could give that guy a radio show, that's the kind of crap he can do there at SIRIUS. He said he was telling Jack Black yesterday that he should do a show there where he just goes on and bad mouths him about anything that pops into his head. He said Jack was going to think about doing it.
Howard took some more phone calls and one guy asked Artie how he would feel if his sister was dating a black guy. Artie said he really wouldn't mind it at all. He said he just doesn't want her to date an asshole. The color doesn't bother him.
One caller asked Howard if they heard Bubba's show yesterday. They didn't hear it so the guy told them about what was going on. Hulk Hogan called in and called Robin a bitch and said he'd like to cut her race car brake lines. Robin had said something about him on the show one day and Hulk wasn't too happy about it from what the guy was saying. That led to the guys talking about Robin racing Bubba and whether or not she should be doing that.
Robin said she did hear some of Bubba's show yesterday. She heard Bubba talking about his marriage counseling and it doesn't seem like the marriage is going to last from what Bubba was saying. She told Howard what they were talking about and how Bubba was talking about the stuff he hates about his future wife.
Howard said that chick has a huge set of cans and a great body so that should keep the relationship going for a few years. The caller told Howard that Bubba was also bragging that he's two up on Howard with the staff of his show taping their sexual encounters for the show. Howard said he's kind of bummed out that he can't get one of his guys to bang someone on tape.
The caller told Howard that he was at the Gary Roast a couple of weeks ago and had to thank him for that. He said they needed those laughs that day and they had a great time there. The guy said they're having some problems with his wife's 15 year old daughter. He said that the girl's father is a pot smoker who owes them $2000 and the daughter went to live with him. The guy said they told her that she'll come back because things won't be that great with the guy.
Howard was going to let the guy go but he brought up Dancing with the Stars again. He said that Emmitt Smith looked like a Leprechaun on the show last night. They spent another few seconds on that subject before Howard hung up on that guy and moved on.
Another caller asked Howard why they don't replay the Jackie show during the day instead of replaying it at night. Howard said that's all up to Tim Sabean, he handles all of that stuff. Gary said he was trying to find Tim to ask him why they do it. Howard said it would make sense to him to throw the show in at different times of the day.
The caller was telling Howard about how to shave himself down below. He said that you need to have cold water run on it so it's nice and tight. He said he keeps it shaved so the hair can't grow and the girls all love it. He said he even shaves his shaft with a razor. Howard said he's not going to be doing that. The caller told him to man up and just shave it. Howard said his manning up is having a big bush.
Artie jokingly said that he's going to be doing Celebrity Mole Dancing... Then he said that the actual announcement is not what he wanted to tell him. He just wanted Howard to know about what was behind the announcement that he wanted Howard to know about.
Howard didn't want Artie to do it if he wasn't supposed to. Artie could tell that Howard was kind of annoyed by this already and he didn't even get that meeting with him yet. Howard told him he has a personality defect that keeps him from doing this stuff.
Artie said he was offered and agreed to a development deal with the FOX network. He said that something might not happen with it and if it does, it wouldn't be for 10 months anyway. He said it could be for his own sitcom or for him getting cast into a sitcom. He said it could even be for a late night talk show. Howard and Robin congratulated him on that and wished him luck.
Artie said he doesn't want Steve Langford coming in and saying that this is like some kind of Stuttering John thing where he's going to be leaving. He said he's just being hired to look at stuff he could do for FOX.
Robin asked Artie how that all came about. He said that the Best Damn Sports Show appearances helped and they really liked him a lot over there. Artie has had a few deals over there at FOX and they seem to like him. He said that Peter Lagori is the guy there who makes all of this stuff happen. Artie said that they can ask him to do anything over there and maybe throw him on a show like that Michael Rappaport show or stuff like that.
Artie asked Howard to list his top 5 super hero movies of all time. Howard said he could do that and they were the original Superman movie, the Spider-Man movie, Batman with Jack Nicholson.... Robin asked him to list them in order. Howard said that no one really cares and he hates lists. He didn't want to go through them like that.
Howard said the number one super hero movie of all time was the first Spider-Man movie with Willem Dafoe as the villain. The number two movie would be the first Superman with Christopher Reeve. Then it would be the first X-Men movie. Number four would be the first Batman with Jack Nicholson and number 5 would be the second Spider-Man.
Howard read the article to everyone and said that the show coincides with the release of a book. In the article they say that OJ is going to talk about the murders as if he could have done them. The show is airing on November 27th and 29th.
Artie wondered of OJ is ballsy enough to actually talk about exactly how he did it. Howard said that guy doesn't have an imagination so he probably will. Artie talked about a bit they did on Mad TV years ago where they goofed on OJ's excuses and he remembers talking to Orlando Jones about the trial. He said Orlando told him that he thought OJ could have done it but he was very glad that he had gotten off. Howard said he doesn't understand that at all.
King of all Blacks called in and asked Howard why he always uses garbage men as the low job when he's talking about people who have crappy jobs. Howard said that's a job that not a lot of people would want so he uses it. He said he'll change it to street sweeper from now on since King is a street sweeper.
King also asked Howard which group of people would bring down the property values in a neighborhood quicker, blacks or Hispanics. Howard said he lived in a black neighborhood for a while and he knows from experience that either way will bring down real estate because white people are afraid of both. They panic and move out. Even King said that he would move out if blacks moved into his neighborhood.
Howard said that even in an expensive neighborhood the white people will freak out and think that they can't sell their house if a black family moves in next door. Robin said that it doesn't happen like that in an apartment building though. Howard said he's just an expert on houses, not apartment buildings.
Gary came in and said that Sal came into his office during this discussion and told him a story about blacks moving into the neighborhood. He said his father was trying to sell their house where they had blacks living next door so he told the real estate agents that they could only come at night. That way the people couldn't see the blacks at night.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that OJ Simpson could get into trouble doing this show of his because someone could sue him in the federal courts. Howard said that this OJ Simpson is the dumbest motherfucker in America to be doing this interview he's doing. He said he should be rotting away in a jail cell somewhere right now, not doing this interview. He said it would be great if they could prosecute him federally after he does the show.
Fred wondered if OJ can hide behind the fact that the show is a fictional show. Dominic said that it could raise enough interest for someone to make more out of this whole thing. He also thought that it was odd that Judith Regan was getting involved in this because she was so against him back when the trial was going on. Howard said that maybe she's trying to get him to confess and that's why she's gotten into this whole thing.
Howard said he would love to see another trial and have Gary Garver going down there to interview people. They could also have Steve Langford and Howard 100 News going down there as well.
Artie asked Dominic why more murderers aren't prosecuted in federal court. Dominic said that they pick and choose those cases so they don't just take anyone. Howard asked Dominic if he's still gaining weight after his surgery. Dominic laughed and said he's doing fine. Howard let him go and said he had to take a break. He mentioned a bunch of the guests they had coming in today like Katie Spades who wants to be spanked, a bunch of whores and Barbara Walters. Barbara will be calling in, not coming in the studio.
Artie was eating some cupcakes from a bakery so Howard told him he eats the worst crap. Artie said it was peanut butter and chocolate swirl on top with chocolate chips sprinkled on them. Robin said he was describing it as if he was in love with it. Artie said the two best feelings in the world are fuckin and eating so maybe that's why he sounded like that.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her Howard 100 News preview. Lisa gave her quick news preview. She asked Howard about the Dancing with the Stars thing but Howard was done with it at that point. She asked Howard if he would be going to see the tour of the show. Howard said he won't be doing that.
Lisa said that they'll be investigating whether or not Howard goes a little soft during interviews with his friends. Howard said he's not like that, he just asks people about things that he's interested in. He and Robin went back and forth about whether or not he does go soft during those interviews or not. Lisa also said that they're going to go over how Fred goes through the e-mail and stuff like that. Howard let Lisa go a short time later.
Howard wanted the caller to get to his point but the guy had a lot of pointless details. The guy asked Howard what he thinks he should do with this girl. He said that she's cheating on him even though she's this big mess. Howard said it really hurts a guy when he takes a pity case and she starts cheating on him. Howard told the guy to get as far away from that chick as possible because he'll never be able to get away from her if he doesn't do it now.
Richard Christy came in and said that he uses an electric razor to cut the hair on his shaft. Howard told him he didn't want to hear about it. Richard also said that last night he tried twisting his pecker around as many times as he could. Howard stopped him and told him he didn't want to hear that stuff. Richard said he was able to twist it 1 and a half times.
Howard said that Richard told him that he saw two people screwing in a phone booth on his way to work. Richard said he saw two legs sticking out and a guy's ass going back and forth. He said he walked real slow and watched them doing it. The guy was a business man and they smelled of alcohol as he walked by them.
Howard read some e-mail after that. He said that people love the Gilbert Gottfried laughs that Fred has been playing during the show lately. Fred played some of those and some song parodies that they've put together with those laughs.
Howard said that Big Foot Mark was down there recording some stuff. He was singing along to a Bon Jovi song so he played the isolated audio of just him singing and actually guessed which song he was singing even though he doesn't really know the lyrics. He played that and then the version with him singing to the music.
Howard said they had Big Foot do a Jack and Rod show with Sal and Richard. They had a guy who wrote a book about politics on the phone and had Big Foot come in to debate him. Big Foot was debating the guy but the author had no idea what he was talking about. The guy said that this whole thing was kind of ridiculous. Big Foot kept rambling about a bunch of stuff but the author was clueless.
Howard also noticed her crooked smile but said she was still very good looking. He talked about seeing some spanking videos and the girls are never as hot as Katie. He asked her how old she is and found out she's 21. She got into the spanking thing last year when she and her boyfriend were checking out some sties on the web. They sent in some home video of her getting spanked and that's how that all came about.
Howard said this must have come as a shock to her family because she gets spanked so hard that she bleeds. Katie said she doesn't like to do it until she bleeds because she's grossed out by blood. Artie said that this chick was kind of nuts and he loves that. She was kind of all over the place when she was telling them about stuff.
Howard asked Katie if she got it on with any girls at her boarding school because it was an all girl school. She said she did do that on a day that they had off. She said she did the girl to the song ''Bombastic'' and she remembers it. She was describing the story and Artie said that she was turning him on and he wants to take her out and fuck her today.
Katie said that she was just named the official spokes model for the RoboSpanker. Howard said that's great and they didn't even know that but had the RoboSpanker set up for her. She said that they're going to set it up so people can spank her via web cam.
Katie said she doesn't do topless stuff so people won't see her on the web topless. She said the scenes she does on her web site don't call for that. She said that she does school girl shoots and people don't want to see her topless in something like that. She said that she can actually clear six figures doing this stuff. She trademarked the term ''Princess of Spanking'' after someone called her that on her web site.
Gary told Howard that he once had a girl who was kind of like Katie and he had great sex with her but trying to get rid of her was really hard. Katie said that she's kind of like a dude because she just wants to go to sleep after having sex.
Howard asked Katie about working in the dental field. She said that she worked for a dentist and she's still going to school for that stuff now. Howard asked Katie about what she and her fiancee do in these videos they do. She said he was there and they could demonstrate it. She said that he doesn't yell at her really but he does scold her.
Howard asked Katie to describe one of her fantasy scenes so she went into that story. Artie was laughing the whole time and had said that this had to be one of the best interviews they had ever done. Katie continued to tell Howard about this scene she did and how it led to the spanking. Artie continued to laugh and asked her if she wanted to write a sitcom for him for FOX. Robin was able to follow the story but the guys seemed to be zoning out.
Katie said she gets bent over a desk and then gets spanked. She shows her naked as and sometimes her vagina. She keeps her top on though. Katie said she gets paddled in the video and that kind of thing can go on for varying times. She said there's no insertion in her videos, she just gets spanked. Howard thought that was kind of weird but maybe it was hot too.
Howard asked Katie to act out her scene live in the studio for them. She wasn't sure if he was going to be into doing that. Gary brought the guy in a minute later and said his name is Jake Spades. Howard said the guy looks kind of like Benjy. He asked the guy what he has going for him that he can get a girl like this. He said he met her at a friend's party and even he's shocked that she's into him. He said they've been together for about a year and a half now. The only weird stuff she does is this spanking stuff.
Howard asked Jake if he has a lot of money or something. He said that's not the case. Howard asked him if he would demonstrate this spanking thing that they do. Jake said they could do that. Howard gave them a plug for KatieSpades.com and then had them demonstrate this spanking stuff.
Artie said he might know how Jake got Katie. He asked Katie how her vision is. She said it's fine. Gary then noticed that she had cut marks all over her arms. She said that was from some 11 week old kittens she just got. Howard asked Jake if it's hard for him to deal with Katie after he cums. He said it was fine, he doesn't have a problem at all.
Howard had Katie and Jake get into this scene they were going to act out. They reenacted the scene that Katie had just described where he played the part of a coach at a school and she played a cheerleader. They did the whole scene and had Artie laughing as he watched. She pulled down her pants and Will told Howard that she's got a great ass. Howard checked out her ass and then had them get back to their spanking.
Howard and Artie said they were both getting turned on watching this. Jake was whacking the crap out of her and she was moaning in pain. She was in real pain and wasn't just playing a part at that point. Howard told her that she had some ass on her. Jake whacked her with a cane so she yelled out in pain after each whack. She had to count out the six smacks she was getting.
Katie said that those spanks really hurt bad. Howard told her he wanted to hear more screaming but it was very real what they were seeing in there. Howard asked her if she gets turned on during that stuff. She said she can't get turned on with everyone watching.
Artie asked Katie where she's from because she sounds like she's from California. She said she's from upstate New York actually. Howard said he might buy some of her spanking videos. He doesn't like doing the spanking stuff but he does like to watch it sometimes. Howard told Jake that he could have worked in a concentration camp with the way he was handling her.
Howard checked out Katie's stomach and thought she had a great body. Will asked her to take her top off and she had no problem with that either. Howard said she had some nice boobs too. She doesn't usually show them in her videos. Howard said they weren't huge but they were nice. Artie was still giggling in the background and said that they might be the best couple ever.
Jake told Howard that he was really shocked that Katie wanted to come home with him. Both of them were into spanking so things have worked out well. Howard said it's kind of cool that she's not with a Brad Pitt looking type of guy. He asked Jake what he does for a living. He rattled off a couple of things he's done but said he's going to medical school now.
Howard gave Katie some plugs for her web site and said you can check her out and buy her videos there. Katie said she was a spokes model for the RoboSpanker but she had never been on one. Howard had it set up in there but she said she'd be getting her own soon. Howard asked Artie if he was getting a boner watching this stuff. Artie said that he was really getting turned on by her nutty speak and the accent... and that she's out of her mind. Robin said he was also eating cupcakes while that was going on.
Robin told jake that he might want to cover his face in those videos if he wants to be a doctor. He said he would probably just be a radiologist so he's not worried about that. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard went through the top 5 songs very quickly after that. They had bands like Hinder, Ludacris, Fergie and Justin Timberlake in there.
Howard said Barbara Walters was supposed to be calling in but she wasn't on the phone yet. He said he had a bunch of other stuff to do though. He said he had a lot of e-mail to read so he went through some of that. He got some feedback about the discussions he had about The Losers yesterday. The fans basically think that his songs are garbage.
Someone wrote in about Joanie Laurer's appearance said she he would bang her. There was someone who also asked about an Eric Clapton song that was played on the show. It was from a live album that Fred had found in his computer system. Fred played the song but it was the wrong one so he had to try again. Howard said he had to hear it because he wanted to know what this e-mailer was talking about. He listened to the song and said it was good and he could get caught up in and listen to the whole thing. He cut the song off.
Howard read some mail about the Chuck Zito show. One guy said Chuck was better than Bubba. Another writer said that the show was gay. He said it was mostly positive for Chuck's show. Some people complained about the Miserable Men show not being on Monday night. Artie figured that was Bob Levy writing in about that.
Barbara told Howard that she has to go do The View today so Howard asked her if the ratings are up since Rosie O'Donnell started. She said that they are up now and it was a good thing for the show. Howard told Barbara that he, like her, hated Star Jones. Barbara said she didn't hate her, she said that she was wonderful on the show. Howard asked her if she's seen her since their falling out. Barbara hasn't seen her and she would say hello to her if she ran into her. She also said that Star sent her a birthday present.
Howard said that Star could never carry a show on her own. Barbara said she doesn't know that to be the case, they'll just have to wait and see. Barbara told Howard about how she started out at ABC 30 years ago and she was a big failure back then. Howard said that it wasn't her fault, it was Harry Reasoner who was a scumbag. Barbara didn't agree with him on that.
Howard asked Barbara if she's secretly happy that Katie Couric isn't doing well. She said she wouldn't feel that way at all. Howard said that back when she moved to ABC and worked with Harry Reasoner, he sand bagged her because he didn't think that they should have a female news anchor. Barbara said that she came over from The Today Show and it was a tough period for her.
Barbara said that she was told she had to do 4 specials a year back then and she's been doing them ever since. She got in a few plugs for her special while talking about that since they'll be going back over those 30 years to see what she's done. She said she'll be showing some of her worst moments from those 30 years.
Robin said she heard that Barbara was really hurt by the Gilda Radner Barbara Walters impression on Saturday Night Live. She said her daughter told her to lighten up while they were watching it one night.
Howard said he feels that Barbara didn't really want to go to dinner with him the night she went out. He also asked her if she dated Richard Pryor like Paul Mooney had claimed when he was on recently. Barbara said that she did three interviews with Richard and thought he was one of the great geniuses out there. She said she wasn't attracted to him though. She said the only attraction was with Clint Eastwood and she had to stop the interview because she was flirting with him and he was flirting right back.
Barbara said that she didn't have any sexual relations with Richard Pryor and Howard shouldn't even joke about that. Barbara told Howard she had to get going because they called her a little later than she thought they were going to.
Howard said he told Barbara that she should call Scott Greenstein and do a show for them there at SIRIUS. He said she did that and she's going to be on this Friday doing her first hour long special. She didn't know which channel she was going to be on though. Howard said he saw a great review for her TV special and it's going to be airing tomorrow night at 10 and on Friday at 10.
Barbara said she thought that The View was going to last about 2 years but they're going on their 10th year now. She said she never expected it but she's very pleased that she's still doing it and it's stronger than ever. Howard told her that he was surprised that she gave Elisabeth Hasslebeck a job. Barbara had nothing but nice things to say about her though.
Barbara said she had to get going but Howard told her he was going to give her another plug so she stayed on the phone. Howard mentioned the show and Robin asked her about some of the interviews that she did. She said that they did an interview with Audrey Hepburn one time and a bird pooped on her as she sat down to do the interview. They didn't leave that in of course.
Howard asked Barbara to curse for them on the air but she wasn't going to do that. Howard asked Barbara to give them more time the next time. She said she would have if they had called her on time. Gary said she didn't know it but she was supposed to call them. Howard asked Barbara if she knew anything about this OJ Simpson interview. Barbara said she actually turned down that interview but that was all she was going to say about it. She hung up a few seconds later after saying she really had to get going.
Artie talked about seeing the interviews that Barbara did with Richard Pryor and how intense they were. He told Howard all of the details he remembered about the three interviews he did with her and how touched Barbara seemed to be with him. It was like there was some kind of connection between the two of them in those interviews.
Howard said it was something that she actually turned down that OJ Simpson interview. He said he'd love to do an hour long interview with Barbara himself. He said he might still be able to do that ABC interview that he was offered years ago.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that it was a great interview that he just did and she'd love to hear her in the studio. Howard wasn't sure if she would ever make it in there to actually do an interview. Mariann asked when her show was going to be on SIRIUS (Channel 102). Howard didn't have that information yet but he said he'd find out and let her know. Artie said that her interviews with Richard Pryor were great and people should check them out.
Howard read some more feedback about the Gilbert laughs so Fred played those again and played the song parodies that he played earlier.
Someone wrote in and said that there's supposed to be a Three Stooges movie in the works with Jeff Daniels playing the part of Larry. Howard said that's a bad idea and they really shouldn't mess with something like that because you can't recreate that team. Artie said he was offered a job playing the part of Curly in a Three Stooges movie and he said he would absolutely not play that part. That led to Howard talking about the sad life of Curly. Artie talked about this movie he saw about their lives and how there was some weird stuff in that movie.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard that the Barbara Walters interview was bullshit and she sucked. Howard said it was too brief to make a judgment on.
Howard heard that Penny Crone has been complaining about Howard talking about how great Steve Langford is. She's really offended by that and will go into Gary's office and complain about it. He had some tape of her out in the hall complaining about Steve and how he thinks that he's the whole news department. Howard thought that the audio was rippling or something and it wasn't doing that when he heard it earlier in the morning. Gary told him it was the same as it was earlier.
Howard ended up goofing on Gary about not being able to hear the quality of the audio. Gary said he guessed he heard what he was talking about but it was the same tape he played earlier. Howard got back to the tape and listened to Penny complaining about Steve. She was talking to Tim Sabean about the whole thing and said that they're supposed to be a team. She complained that Howard was saying that Steve was covering a lot of stories that day. She said that he only covered one story the day before.
Penny Crone came in and said that it's got to be illegal to tape a person illegally. Gary told her that they always have a tape recorder rolling. Howard was still stuck on the quality of the audio in that recording. It wasn't even tape, it was a digital recording. Scott was the one recording it and said he had to sneak the recording so he didn't have it mic'd right.
Penny said she doesn't have a problem with Howard talking to Lisa G in the morning. She just has a problem with Steve. She complained about Howard saying that Steve is the best when they're supposed to be a team. Howard said he's just selling his news team when he does that. Penny was also mad at Gary because he's supposed to be her boss. Gary said he's not her boss so she's wrong on that.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he thinks Penny is insane. She talks about Steve like she wants to kill him just because Howard says he's a great reporter. Howard said he just says that Steve is a terrific reporter. Howard said that he is phenomenal and he's not talking about the rest of the news team. Ronnie said he thinks that Penny is losing it.
Artie told Penny that Steve Langford is a phenomenal reporter. She said that he doesn't do as many stories as she does. Dominic Barbara called in and said that it's not illegal to record a conversation as long as one of the people knows that it's being recorded. She wasn't aware of that. Artie thought that was kind of crazy and wondered if he could go into a senator's office, ask him if he used coke, he says yes and he could use the tape? Dominic said that he could do that. One of the people making the tape allows it to be used and it's legal.
Howard let Dominic go and got back to Penny. She said that she thought Scott was her friend but he screwed her by taping her. She also thought Gary was her friend. Gary said she's getting a little carried away and she wouldn't be there if they didn't like her. Howard asked her if this is how she carried on at FOX when she was working there. She said she was always out on the street with her crew back then. Howard said that maybe she should be out on the street then.
Ronnie told Howard that Penny has to take someone on the elevator with her every time she gets on. She said that's because she's claustrophobic. She also told Howard that she's going to go back down to her office and sit there not talking to anyone. The guys told her that everyone takes shit working there so she should deal with it.
Penny said that she really likes Steve and apologized to him. Artie asked which of them he likes better, Penny or Steve. Howard said he doesn't know either of them personally so he's not sure. Rev. Bob Levy called in and told her to go wash her pussy. He told her not to be so uptight. Penny said she was just going back to her office. Artie didn't understand Bob's joke because you're supposed to say that to a dude, not to a chick. They spent a minute talking about that joke but Howard figured Bob took about 20 leaps with that joke.
Robin had just come back from the bathroom because she had to dute. She said that she hates going at work but she really was feeling uncomfortable. Howard thought it was a quick shit but she thought she was in there for quite a while. She was pretty sure she was okay after that. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said the girls were all wearing robes so he wondered whose idea that was. They said it was ''daddy's'' idea. Daddy is Dennis Hof who runs the Bunny Ranch. Howard spoke to some of the girls and found out that one of them, Bunny Love, is fresh out of high school. She had a couple of boyfriends in school and figured she liked having sex so she wanted to get into the business. Howard thought that was some leap to make after watching the TV show on HBO where the girls were all shown doing their job. She said the guys like that she's so young and fresh out of high school.
Howard asked Bunny about some of the stuff she does. Artie was also asking how much it would cost him to get her face in his ass. She said he'd have to come to the Bunny Ranch to find out. She said her mother knows what she does but her father doesn't know. She said that he's in jail. She said he's in prison for the three strikes law so he's in there for life. She didn't want to say exactly why he's in there though.
Howard asked her what they do when a guy shows up to the ranch. She said they all line up and the man picks from the group. She said she doesn't really get grossed out by the guys she's with. She said they will bathe some of the guys to clean them up. one of the girls said that most of their clients are pretty clean already so they don't have to do that with a lot of them.
Howard asked the girls if they get worn out from doing so many guys in a day. one of the girls said that they don't spend the whole time screwing so they're not having sex constantly. Howard asked what strange things they've been asked to do. One of the girls said that a guy had her pamper him up in a diaper and then he got off with her feet. Howard said he couldn't waste his time with something like that.
Howard spoke to Brooke Taylor who said she once walked a guy around the Bunny Ranch by a leash around his penis. She said he wanted to be tied up and get a hand job but she ended up doing that to him instead. Gary said the girls if they have had orgasms with clients. The girls said that they can get that, otherwise they wouldn't be doing the job they're doing. Brooke said she usually has 1-5 guys a day and prefers quality over quantity.
Howard said that they have to fuck some strange dudes so it has to be kind of weird. Brooke said that there will be someone there for every guy who shows up there at the ranch. They have 50 girls working there so there's someone for everyone. Gary asked how the girls will tell a guy they're not right for them. They have their ways of telling them that they have an appointment later or something like that.
Artie wanted to go stand next to one of the girls with his shirt off to find out if they were grossed out by him. He took his shirt off and went over to Bunny and the girls were making fun of his 291 pounds. Artie asked them to talk dirty to him and tell him how sexy he was. All of the girls were coming on to him and touching him. He told Howard that's why he goes to whores. He told the girls that they're doing God's work.
Howard asked the girls what they would charge Artie if he walked in. The girls said they all negotiate their own prices. Howard said that they have celebrities at the Bunny Ranch but the girls won't always talk about who they are. Brooke said she had a guy one time but she won't say who it was. She did say that it was a white guy but that was about it.
Howard said hello to Audrey who has been working there at the ranch for a few years. She works a few weeks at a time and then takes off two weeks. She told Artie he has really nice eyes at that point. She also said she's a sucker for a sense of humor as well. Howard said that Dennis Hof says that Audrey is the biggest billing whore there at the Bunny Ranch. She brings in close to a million a year.
Howard asked if he has to wear a condom if he gets a blow job from the girls. They said that it's the law so they have to make a guys wear one. Howard figured that he wouldn't be able to feel anything but the girls said they're very good and would make him feel it.
Howard talked to Moonshadow and asked her about being blind. She said that a lot of guys wonder what it would be like to have a blind girl. She said she was shot in the head about 19 years ago and that's why she's blind. She said she was in the middle of a drug deal when she was shot. She said she was supplying coke to some of the clubs she was working at and ended up getting shot. She said there were four guys and she got shot and left for dead. The bullet went through her head and severed her optic nerve.
Moonshadow said she will absorb what she can from the guys she's with and then figure if she wants to let them bang her or not. Howard asked Artie if he would bang a blind chick. Artie said he would do that and he'd fell less self conscious. Moonshadow said that there was one guy who came in missing an arm so they clicked. She told another story about a guy who just wanted to tickle her for an hour and not touch anything. She said that she's a squirter and she can do that without being touched so it worked out for her that time.
Moonshadow said that black guys and Asian men don't pick her because of her Rock and Roll look. She took off her top to show the guys and they seemed to like what they were seeing. She refused to take her bottoms off though. She said she wanted to save that for the next time so she can fuck a chick for them.
Howard asked Moonshadow what happened to the guy who shot her. She said she was considered a criminal instead of a victim because the drugs were involved in her shooting. Will said that she got shot and went back to stripping just a few weeks later. The strip club she was working at set it up so she could continue to do it.
Howard asked Moonshadow if she's ever been paid to piss on a guy. She said she was but didn't want to say what she charges a guy. She said it all depends on the guy. She told Howard that the guy got into the shower with her and jerked off while talking dirty to her. She said he was looking at her pussy while he was doing it and told her how small her piss hole looked. She was standing over him so she started using her finger on herself and pulled his head close to him and then pissed on his penis. She said it went down his chest and down to his penis. That all happened in about 7 minutes.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric and gave the girls a plug for their web site BunnyRanch.net at the same time. He also said that the girls will be on Hannity and Colmes tonight. Eric said that Dennis is the man because he brought him out to the Ranch one time and he had 14 girls in one week.
Artie asked Moonshadow how she knows when she's done wiping after taking a shit. She told him he was fucked up asking that question. She said that she's very meticulous about what she does and makes sure she's clean. She uses hydrogen peroxide on toilet paper to make sure she's clean. Howard said that Moonshadow seems to be pretty upbeat for someone who has been through so much. She said she does just fine and has people who help her get around.
Bong Hit Eric called in and asked Howard how the girls look. Howard said he's got pictures of them up on his web site and they'll eventually be on Howard TV. Another caller told Howard no one wants to talk to the girls at the Bunny Ranch so he should get them on the Sybian already. Howard asked the girls if they were interested in riding it. Gary pulled it out and told the girls what it was. Moonshadow was up for a ride on it so he walked her over to it and told her what to do. Gary told her not to piss on it. She said she might just do that.
Gary started off the machine and Moonshadow asked him to jack up the power a little bit. She wanted to stick a vibrator in her ass after a few seconds of that. She said it was vibrating her whole body and she wanted someone to grab her tits really hard. She wanted one of her own. She said that she was squirting on it as she was in the middle of doing it. Howard said that one of the girls stuck her finger up her butt while she was on it.
Moonshadow's skirt was all wet from squirting and she wasn't even able to stand up from the Sybian. Howard was going to wrap up with the girls but Will told him they had one more girl there, and she was a grandmother.
Howard had Will bring in the chick and she said that she's 48 years old with a 4 year old grandson. She said that her grandson doesn't know what she does. She said she does a lot of fetish stuff at the Bunny Ranch so she doesn't really have sex. She puts guys in diapers and stuff like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this segment rocked. Howard wrapped up after that and thanked the girls for coming in and thanked Dennis Hof for bringing them there. He went to break after that.
Howard asked Martina how she got involved with Robin. She's into racing cars so she wanted to get Robin into the Toyota Celebrity race out in California. She said this will be her first race. She said the fastest they go in that race is about 120. She has gone 200 on the Autobahn over in Germany though. Howard said he's afraid of dying in a car so he'd be afraid of doing something like that.
Martina said that the cars that they'll be racing are Prius' so they won't go that fast. Howard is afraid that Robin is going to get killed racing cars but she doesn't seem to be afraid of that at all. Howard talked about all of the hot chicks that Martina used to get back in her day. Martina said she was quite a stud back then. She has a girlfriend now who she has been with for about 6 years.
Howard said that Martina is downplaying it but he heard that she got major ass. He's heard that women would swoon over her. He told her that she's a good looking woman. She thanked him for that and said she just turned 50 recently. She hasn't had any plastic surgery yet but she is thinking about it. She said she likes to work out so she feels good. She also said that menopause is calling now so that kind of sucks. Howard asked her if she's ever had a guy. She said she did but that was a long time ago.
Howard said he thinks that he's the closest to a woman that she could get in a man. She said she's done with all of that now and is married to this woman she's with. Howard asked her if she's pissed that she didn't get as much endorsement money as the other women out there did. She thinks that she lost out on a lot because of being a lesbian but she's not bitter about it because she's proud to be a lesbian.
Robin said that Martina was hated by a lot of people when she was playing but now she's loved and she can't do anything wrong. Martina agrees and said that she was accused of taking steroids and she would never do something like that. She said she didn't even like taking Advil so she would never have taken steroids.
Martina told Howard that she would like to start a chain of no kill dog shelters. She knows that Howard and Beth are into saving the animals and asked Howard how his dog Bianca is doing.
Martina talked about how she didn't really tell her parents about being lesbian until they asked about it. She said that didn't happen until she was about 25. She also said that over in the Czech Republic they have better rights for gays and lesbians than they do here in the United States. That's where she grew up and back then it wasn't so easy for them. She said her parents eventually came around and accepted her lesbianism. She said her father took a little while to come around but they never stopped talking or anything like that. He passed away about 4 years ago but her mother is still alive.
Howard asked Martina why she doesn't move her mother there. She said that she stays over in the Czech Republic to be close to her sister and her kids.
Howard asked Martina who the hottest chick is that she's ever seen. Angelina Jolie's name came up and Martina seems to be a big fan of hers. She likes what she does by speaking her mind and doing what she wants. Artie said that's where Martina and a man are different. He said that guys think she's hot too but hate what she does.
Martina said she has a couple of things she's going to be out promoting but she didn't want to promote them there because that's not what she was there for. Howard told her to go ahead and do it. She said she has a book out called ''Shape Your Self: My 6-Step Diet and Fitness Plan to Achieve the Best Shape of Your Life'' and she's also got a credit card out.
Artie told Martina that he's a fan of sports, although Tennis is a little too hoity toity for him, but he was a fan of hers. He said she was like the Michael Jordan of tennis in her day. He asked her who her toughest competitor was. She said that there was one woman who was very tough because she was so unpredictable.
Martina told Howard she has SIRIUS radio and she loves the show and will be giving her friends SIRIUS radios for Christmas. Martina told Howard about where she'll be in the next few days and said she's going home to Sarasota, Florida soon. Howard said Sarasota is a really nice area. She told him the weather is great down there.
Gary came in and showed Howard a picture of Martina out on a date from back in March of 2000. He said that the chick who was with her was really hot. She said she didn't know who the woman was in the picture but she was hot. Howard said that Ellen Degeneres also gets really hot chicks... and so does Rosie O'Donnell. He said she used to party at the Four Seasons hotel and he knew a guy who worked there who saw what was going on with her.
Howard said it was an honor to meet her today and a pleasure. He told her to be careful with the race car crap that she's going to be doing. She said she's used to the tennis ball coming at her at over 100 miles per hour so she should be okay. Howard gave her another plug for her book.
Artie asked her if she wanted to finish his French toast that he was gobbling down during her interview. He was making a mess of himself during the interview getting syrup and Hawaiian Punch on his face. Artie told Martina he was a big fan of hers and she agreed that he was ''big.'' She thinks that he could be helped with his weight but he has to want to be helped. Artie told Martina that he's only 30 sit-ups away from the body of Bjorn Borg. Howard spent a couple more minutes with her and then went to break.
Howard said he didn't know that the red stuff on Artie's face earlier was Hawaiian Punch. Artie said that stuff stains. Artie also said that he got a book from Martina and she signed it. She wrote that he could use it as a back up for toilet paper if he didn't want to read it. Artie also said that he was trying to get her to play hoops with him.
Everyone was amazed that Martina was a fan of the show. Robin said she was very surprised because most celebrities that come up to her are angry at the show and want an apology. Artie said this was some show today. Howard thought that they had earned their money today.
Howard spent a short time talking about the dinner he had with Barbara Walters and a few other people. He also talked about going to a party that Rick Ruben held years ago. He said he met Kate Hudson back then before she was Kate Hudson. Robin also reminded him that he showered with Carmen Electra one time so he's got plenty of celebrity friends.
Jon Hein came in and gave a quick rundown of what they would be covering on the Wrap Up Show today. He mentioned the Barbara Walters interview and the Katie Spades spanking segment. Artie said that he was never into that disciplining chicks. He was more into Pipi Longstocking when he was a kid and he thinks he liked her because she was strong and could beat up dudes. He said he might be more into having a chick dominate him.
Jon also mentioned the blind girl's ride on the Sybian and how wild that was. They'll also talk about Martina Navratilova's visit and why it was kept such a secret. Robin said she kept it secret because Martina didn't want to be a guest to plug something, she just wanted to visit to see what they do there. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard told Robin that when Martina walked into the studio he thought that Robin might be coming out of the closet. He said he could see those two as a couple.
Cabbie said he's got to do what he's got to do. He's got that job, he'll be working for SIRIUS on Faction 28 and will also have a couple of shifts at Free FM coming up soon. Howard asked Cabbie what pays more, his SIRIUS shift or his cab shift. Cabbie said it depends on how much he hustles.
Artie used to drive a cab so he knows what Cabbie is going through. Artie said he had fun doing that for 2 years. He met a lot of cool people and got a lot of stories from doing that. Cabbie got in a plug for his Faction 28 show that he's doing on Saturday nights. He'll also be on Free FM during the Thanksgiving weekend. He also told people to request cab number 104 if they're in the Red Bank area. Howard let him go and had Robin get back to her news.
Howard took a call from a guy who is afraid that Artie is going to leave the show after getting this FOX development deal. Howard told the guy to call the Wrap Up Show to talk about this stuff. He was tired because the show had gone on so long already. He hung up on that guy and had Robin get back to her news.
Gary told Howard that he had tape of Barbara Walters talking about her interview on The View this morning. Howard played the clip and she said that Howard was very nice about it and talked about a little bit of what she spoke to him about. Howard said he would have liked to have been able to talk to her more because he was having a good time with the interview. Artie thought it was funny how the audience gasped when they heard Howard's name brought up on the air. Barbara had mentioned her 1 hour SIRIUS show during her interview and didn't know what channel it was going to be on. When she plugged it on The View, she said it was going to be on channel 102.
Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 11:30am.
Howard started off the show saying they had a busy show coming up. He got in a plug for the Superfan Roundtable show and for a new show that's on at midnight called Conspiracy Corner. He also said he got an invitation to Bubba's wedding. Robin and Artie got them as well. Artie said that it's like a book because it's so big. Howard figures that it's going to be a white trash wedding and he might just have to go.
Howard wondered what Bubba is going to wear. Artie said it might be what he wore to the Film Festival. Howard read the invitation and said that it's very nice. He's including his kid and his fiancee's kid. It's happening on Howard's birthday weekend though. He's not sure if he would do shows from down there but he might like to fly down and go to Florida for a weekend.
Howard said he would like to show Bubba some love. Robin said it might be nice to experience what kind of life Bubba and his guys have down there. Howard said that most of the staff were invited to the wedding. It's a lot of Stern Show representation with so many being invited. JD, Jason and Will were all invited. Benjy said some people got a plus one but he didn't. Howard thought that was kind of rude, he has a girlfriend he would have to bring.
Howard said he forgets that Benjy has a girlfriend sometimes. Artie said Benjy was putting cream on his face as they spoke. Benjy said he has blotches on his face that he needs to put cream on. That led to the guys talking about all of the strange blotches on his face and how fat and sweaty he was.
Howard wondered why he was sweating so much. Benjy walks to work and tends to sprint there. Howard said his face looked painful so he feels sorry for him. He said his girlfriend is so normal and sweet. Gary said Benjy used to pay with cartons of cigarettes to get hand jobs from women in the past. The girlfriend thing kind of throws them off.
Howard asked Artie if he would go to that wedding of Bubba's. Artie said it might be fun and he might go. He also wants to see Bubba's studio which is supposed to be attached to the Doll House down there. Howard heard that it's not actually attached, it's across the street. Artie said he would still like to see it though. Robin said she heard that Bubba's guy Manson will leave the studio whenever a woman comes into the studio because he feels that it's cheating on his wife.
Robin said she thinks that guy is going to lose his mind after all of those calls. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Bubba was trying to keep his wedding weekend date a secret but Howard had just given it out when he said it was on his birthday weekend. Howard wasn't aware of that and wondered why he would keep it a secret. The guy said that Bubba might be kind of worried about the paparazzi showing up.
Howard said he's not sure if he's going to be able to fly down there for the wedding or not. He said maybe Bubba could move the wedding up there to New York to make it easier for him.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he likes the new programming they have on the two channels. He wondered if they could keep the shows in regular time slots. Howard said that they recycle the shows on the weekend but Robin told him that the guy was wondering about a regular time slot for the shows that are already on. Howard said they can't lock them in because then they can't have all of the new stuff.
Howard said that he got some e-mail about the show and people are criticizing him for telling Gary about the quality of the Penny Crone tape yesterday. He said people were pissed at him for getting on his back about that. Howard said he wasn't getting on Gary about the quality, he just wondered why Gary couldn't hear how crappy it was. That led to the two of them getting into another argument about the whole thing again.
Howard heard that Gary had a huge nose hair hanging out of his nose that everyone was noticing. Richard Christy had seen it so he came in and told Howard that it was like 2 inches long. Gary said he went and pulled it out and it was white. Howard wondered why Gary doesn't use some nose hair clippers on his nose. He said Gary gave him some clippers one time and he's not sure why he doesn't have his own.
Howard mentioned that Emmitt Smith won Dancing with the Stars so that was kind of a joke. He said that Mario Lopez was much better than Emmitt but he didn't win. Howard spent a minute talking about the show but Artie told him he doesn't get how he can possibly stand to watch that show. Howard said that Mario is fucking his dance partner so he figures that they'll stop that now that the competition is over.
Howard and the guys talked about the celebrities who are on Dancing with the Stars and how they're going out on tour. A lot of the celebrities are desperate for work and this is one way for them to get some notice again. He said that Harry Hamlin hasn't seen any work lately and getting on that show was a big break for him. He said that the guy used to be really good looking but he's lost his looks over the years. He said that Harry is basically John Stamos without the looks.
Howard got back to the Gary thing and said he just didn't understand why Gary couldn't hear the awful quality of the clip yesterday. Gary said he feels like a battered wife when he gets into these arguments. Howard said he was in a good mood yesterday and he's not sure where that came from. Gary said he got very defensive yesterday because of the tone that Howard was using on him. Fred threw in a couple of Baba Booey song parodies during that discussion.
Howard said he was in a good mood yesterday after reading the ratings for the radio stations they used to be on. The Chicago station isn't even a blip on the ratings anymore and he didn't think they showed up on the list he had.
Howard got back to the mail and read more about the Gary thing from yesterday. He said the fans were really going off on him about that and about him going off on Ronnie changing the exhaust on his Denali. The writer goofed on him about his chess playing and watching all of those gay shows he watches. Howard said he played a blitz round of chess last night and actually won.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who asked what hash oil is since Howard has mentioned it before. Howard said they've stopped making it but it was an oil that gave a super high when it was smoked separately. He said it was a residue from the pressing of hash. He said he and his friends used to use that stuff when he was younger. He said he remembers waving his hand in front of his face and seeing trails of the hand moving.
Howard read an e-mail about a discussion he and Artie had about Eddie Murphy recently where Artie said he thinks that Eddie has made close to a billion dollars. The guy said that's not possible but Artie insists that he's worth a lot of money, more than they know. He thinks that Eddie is kept off the rich lists that they put out once in a while and he thinks that might be on purpose.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who asked Howard to limit the number of times Ronnie the Limo Driver comes in the studio because his accent is so annoying. Another e-mailer said that Howard has to stop watching those annoying TV shows he watches. Howard said that he's not telling people they have to watch the shows, he's just talking about what he watches. Artie never watches that stuff and Robin said that he rolls his eyes when he hears Howard talking about some of those shows.
Howard had a clip of Mario Lopez saying the name of his partner Corina with that Hispanic tongue roll. He and the guys spent a short time talking about that guy and putting on that tongue roll. Howard also pointed out that the guy cheated on his wife on his honeymoon. That's how much pussy that guy gets.
Howard wondered if OJ would admit to killing at this point. He can't imagine he would do such a thing. He said it's impossible for that guy to stay out of the lime light and he just has to be noticed, that's why he's doing all of this. He wondered if the guys think that OJ is going to generate a lot of money from this. Robin thinks that he's going to sell a lot of books because of this. Howard doesn't think that will happen.
Robin and Gary were wondering how the Goldman family won't be making money from this deal that OJ has. Howard explained what he knows about it and said that he thinks that OJ is able to hide his money in a pension fund so the Goldman's can't touch it. He said he saw a comment from the Goldman's where they said they will never see any money from that deal.
Artie asked Howard if he thinks the murders were pre-meditated. Howard doesn't think they were, he probably went there in a rage and did what he did. He said that OJ probably thinks that he was justified in what he did and he only feels bad that people don't love him anymore.
Howard read an article about the OJ deal where they talk about how OJ would be immune from prosecution this long after the murders if he did admit to doing them. His lawyer claims he knew nothing of the deal but Gary doesn't believe that is true. He seems to think that there's a cover up here and that OJ had to have consulted his lawyers about something like this before doing it.
Gary thinks that if this was 1976, Barbara Walters would have done that interview with OJ. yesterday she said that she turned down the offer to do the interview with him. Howard read through more of the article. He said that the Goldman's don't expect to ever see any of the 3 million that OJ is getting for this special he's doing.
Howard got some positive feedback about the Katie Spades spanking thing yesterday. He said some people didn't like her but others thought she was a great guest. He read through an e-mail about how great the Gilbert Gottfried laughing clips are. That led to him playing the prank call the guys made to a bath house using Gilbert's audio clips.
Howard said he got a lot of feedback about Artie's big announcement yesterday about his FOX development deal. Someone asked if Artie is leaving the show because of that deal. Others said that Artie is great on the show and it would be a big loss if he did leave. One guy said that Artie has to commit to one or the other and Howard should cut his ties with him now. Howard said Robin has had a development deal and so has he so there's nothing wrong with Artie having one.
Artie said that it's an insane outside chance that he would leave the show. A lot of things would have to fall into place for him to do such a thing. He's had other development deals over the years and they've all fallen through.
Robin asked Artie if it's all about the money or if it's about the project. Artie said he's had two of these deals since he got on the show and he's learned not to take just any script. He said he did that once and the script was awful. He said it was called the King of New York and it was shot the same season that the King of Queens came out. He said it was rushed together in 2 weeks and the guy who wrote it had one night to rewrite the whole thing after it bombed. He said they had tons of writers to rewrite it but it didn't work out.
Artie said he misses acting and really likes doing that stuff. He said he used to make a living as an actor and he would like to go back to doing that. Howard said he knew a guy who had a few development deals and ended up with a script that was pretty bad and it ended up turning into a nightmare. He said it's easy to have a nervous breakdown with something like that. The development deals are great money but it is very hard to get a project off the ground even if they do find a script.
Howard said that he would love it if Artie stayed with the show and didn't leave, but he would understand it if he left. Robin asked Artie if he would could make the same money there on radio as he does on TV, would he stay on radio. Artie said that creatively, there is nothing better than being on Howard's show. He said that he would consider it then. Howard understands where Artie is coming from and he could have a really easy job working on a sitcom making a ton of money.
Artie said he knows that a lot of his recent success with the DVD release, the movie release and more is all because of the fact that he's on The Howard Stern Show. He said that this guy at FOX, Peter Lagori, is very easy to work with and he really likes the guy. The guys talked about some of the roles that Artie could end up in and most of them started with the word ''fat.'' Howard thought that Artie would be great a as a fat gym teacher or something like that.
Artie said he just wants to be funny somewhere, acting. He said he did the Entourage thing and the movie and they were fun to do. He's going to try and find a good script before he does anything else.
Artie started in with Alice and got her yelling at him as usual. He told her that he wanted her to play the part of his black couch in his new TV show when he gets that. She continued to yell at him for a short time. Howard had to get through this pretty quick because they were so busy today though. He asked Alice if she thinks that Artie could be a big star with this new development deal. She said that anyone who leaves the show gets cursed by her and she thinks he will fail.
Howard asked Alice for her pick for this week. Alice went off on Artie a little more and wouldn't stop. Artie wasn't helping by calling her names. She eventually said she's taking the Broncos this weekend.
Howard hung up on Alice and moved on to Big Foot Mark. Big Foot was pissed that he got up early to hear them carrying on like a ''blooming idiot.'' Howard told Big Foot he did great earlier in the week with the porn scenes he did. Big Foot said he liked that as well. Artie said he thought Big Foot kind of stunk that day but Big Foot said he took a shower the night before. Big Foot said he's taking the Titan's this weekend. He's currently in second place behind Alice.
Howard moved on to Elegant Elliot Offen. Elliot got in his plug for his web site and said that he has a special going on for his DVD. He said that they are no longer taking business orders through his web site, GangsterTalk.biz, on the Sabbath. He started going off on Robin calling her the N-word and going off on her like Alice was going off on Artie. Robin tried fighting back but he was so loud that she couldn't get a word in.
Howard tried getting Elliot's pick for this weekend but he was laughing with his evil laugh. Elliot wouldn't stop with the plugging of his web site though so it was tough to find out what his pick was. He was telling Robin to lay down and die and still calling her the N-word.
Howard asked Elliot for his pick but he was goofing on them over the fact that SIRIUS is losing money on their show every quarter. Robin battled him the best she could but Elliot was relentless and wouldn't give his pick. Elliot was threatening to scoop Robin's eyes out. Howard told him to stop and give his pick and he eventually stopped yelling. Elliot asked Artie for the point spread on the Colts game this week. Artie gave him the info and also gave him some info on the Bears game. Elliot had calmed down and went into his calm voice until Robin said something, then he went off on her again.
Elliot asked Artie what the Bears pick was again so he got that and ended up going off on Robin again. Elliot got in more plugs for his web site and asked Artie more questions about certain games. He was about to give a pick but Robin said something which set him off again. Howard threatened to hang up on him so he finally gave a pick of the San Diego Chargers. Howard thanked him for the pick and hung up on him as he started to yell again.
Artie said he's going to take the New Orleans Saints this weekend. He said that probably means that they'll lose but he's hoping that this week is the week he turns it around. Howard said that this is the last year they're doing the football pool because he just can't take it anymore.
Crazy Alice called back and went off on Howard and Artie. She was pissed at Howard for hanging up on her during one of her rants. She just wanted to get in a few more words about Artie and then hung up. Howard went to break after that.
Howard took another call from a guy who had some basic seamanship questions for Robin. He asked her questions like ''Which side of the boat is the port side?'' She knew that, the bow and the keel. She knew the Starboard side. Howard said that everyone was annoying him today and this guy was driving him nuts. The guy asked what S.O.S. Stood for. Robin didn't know that but Howard did. It's supposed to mean Save Our Ship according to Howard. Benjy said the caller was wrong and it doesn't mean anything.
The caller asked Robin what the draft of the ship is. She got it but she wasn't quite sure if she was right or not. Howard didn't know what that answer was. Howard told the guy he had to move along after that but he was stuck in this game show host role he was playing.
The caller asked Robin a few more questions and she was doing okay, not bad for someone who has her own boat. She wasn't sure which boat has the right of way when they are going to cross paths. She said that it's the one on the right but it's actually the larger vessel. Howard let the guy go and moved on to the Hottest Ex-Con contest.
Howard said that they have four women coming in to be judged and they've all been arrested. He said they would be judged on beauty and on what they've been charged with. Howard said the grand prize of $5,000 is courtesy of the movie ''Lets Go to Prison.''
The first contestant was Kate. She came in and told Howard she loves them all. She was about to whip out one of her boobs to show the guys according to Howard. She had some chicken cutlets under her top to help her look bigger. Gary said that her clothes were going to come off so Howard asked her to do that. She took her dress off and the guys said she had a good body. Howard read that she once killed a woman when she was driving drunk. Kate said that she's been reliving that whole thing in the past week since Howard mentioned it. She said she was thrown from her car in the impact when she looked down to change a tape. She almost hit a telephone pole and swerved to miss that and hit the woman's car.
Kate said that the woman she killed was the first woman to go to college in the family. She feels really awful about what she did. She was working at a pizza place at the time and had about 3 or 4 glasses of champagne while they were doing that. She had a .14 blood alcohol level after the accident happened. She said she was totally in the wrong and shouldn't have been driving. She mentioned that she was listening to INXS at the time so Howard played her one of their songs to bring her back there.
Kate said that the accident is one of the biggest things in her life and she'll never get rid of that. She's going to try to go talk to the kids at her high school about that. Howard said she seems to be remorseful about what she did and wondered if she tried to reach out to the family. She said she didn't do it but her father did reach out to her. She said the family tried to keep her in jail after she had done 2 years already. She said the judge helped her out and said that 2 years was enough because she could have been in there up to 6 years.
Kate told Howard that she had a boyfriend before she went to prison but they broke up before she left. She told Howard that she was afraid of what the girls were going to do to her in prison. She said she thought she was going to get beat up every day. It wasn't the prisoners that treated her bad, it was the officers. She said she had to strip down naked in front of about 30 other girls and had lye thrown on her to kill off any lice they might have. Then they're told to walk in front of other inmates and get sized for clothes. She said you don't get called by your name, just a number. Kate said that the guards there were men and they could walk through the showers and stuff.
Kate said she had a girlfriend in prison and was just ''gay for the stay.'' She said the other women there were mostly in there for drug crimes. She said that the other woman was very pretty but she had male mannerisms so she was kind of manly. She was afraid that she was going to go lesbo but it was a natural progression for her in there. She said that she didn't go down on that chick but she went down on the second chick she was with in there. She also said that the two women she was with were black. She said that's what it was like in prison though.
Artie said that he was in L.A. County jail for four days and he was scared shitless in there. He knows how that feels. Kate said when she got out of jail she went straight and didn't stay lesbian. She said she still likes women like Jenna Jameson and Robin.
Howard said they got a lot of mail about this woman because they didn't think she should be allowed to compete. She knows that, she's heard the show. Kate said that she would never drink and drive again after what happened. She has her license now and made it through her 4 year probation.
Artie said that the only difference between him and her is that luck. He said he and his friends would drink and drive and he realizes how easily he could have ended up in that situation. Kate said she doesn't think that the family would know that she's doing this contest because they're not local. Howard joked that they had the family there to confront her. She said that's what her mother thought they were going to do to her but she knew they wouldn't do that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this woman has no business being in the contest. Howard told him that they can't have a Hottest Ex-Con contest and stop people from entering it. The caller admitted that he had driven drunk in his life. The guy said he wasn't really ''drunk, drunk'' but the guys said that he did drive after drinking and he could have ended up in something like this. The guy said he would want to hide from the world if he was in that situation. He said he probably would have killed himself if that did happen to him. Gary said that you can't say what you would do unless you were her.
Another caller told the guys to leave this woman alone, she did her time and paid her debt to society. The guy didn't know what they wanted from this woman. Jessica Hahn called in and said that she knows that this girl paid her debt but her grandfather used to drive them around drunk when she was little. She said that so many people drive drunk and don't get caught. Kate thanked her and said she's very sweet after she defended her.
Howard brought in the next girl, Jenna, who has been to jail for selling Methamphetamines. She has a myspace account and Howard thinks that she's really hot after seeing her pictures. He asked her to take off her dress so they could check her out in the studio. Artie said that she's the hottest drug dealer he's ever seen. Jenna said she's 9 years sober now. She said she's in her early 30s but Howard said she's got a great body for her age.
Howard asked her about the drug sales and why she would do them because it seems like such a horrible drug. Jenna said that she wasn't using it that much, she was selling it. She was also selling it to drug dealers, not to the users. She said she's now a stripper and she's working in Orange County, California. She can make more than a thousand dollars a week for working about 10 hours.
Howard said he understands some drugs but not the Meth. She said she always had weight problems as a kid and when she was doing ballet she had to stay at a very low weight so she started using it to lose weight. It worked and it worked fast so that's why she was doing it. She got hooked on it after that. Then she had a boyfriend who was selling it and he taught her how to do that herself. She learned how to weigh it and all of that stuff from him.
Howard asked Jenna if the guards in prison treated her okay. She said that they actually treated her very well. The guys who were watching over her would come and check her out in the showers. She said she got 16 months in jail the last time she was in. She said she was arrested 17 times as a minor and wasn't sure how many times she actually went to jail. Gary pointed out that her mother also went to jail so she's a second generation convict. She said her mother is really sick right now battling cancer. She loves the show though.
Howard asked Jenna about her lesbian experiences in jail. She said that she did have some experiences and also had some fights while she was in there.
Artie asked Jenna about Crystal Meth and how all of the ingredients are available legally. She said that's not quite true. She explained how you can't just buy red phosphorus that you need for that. She said the government has control over that stuff. She said she ended up getting busted by a friend of hers who was a confidential informant for the police. She said she had heard weird stuff about this chick but didn't believe that she would do that to her. She was wrong.
Howard moved on to the next Ex-Con, 22 year old Jamie. Howard said she was cute and young looking. He asked her to show her body and she had a Playboy Bunny tattooed on her. At the age of 13 she got arrested for stealing clothing. She spent time in jail for armed robbery as well. She claims that she had no gun when she robbed the place but she didn't have one. Howard told her she seemed to be a little bit of a dirty girl. Howard asked her why she wanted to rob a Dunkin Donuts. She said she had worked there so she knew how to get in and where to get the money.
Jamie said she was an orphan so she didn't really have a home at the time. She said she went around to various foster homes as a child. Howard asked her to strip down for them so she did. Howard said she could be America's Hottest Ex-Con. He asked her more about the robbery and found out that the girl who let her into the store was the same one who called the cops on her.
Howard read that Jamie was arrested for prostitution one time and ended up in jail for that at the age of 16. She was a minor so the guy must have gotten into big trouble. She said that the guy wanted a blow job and she got like $100 for that. She said that she had a friend who told her to do the prostitution thing. It was the first time she had ever done it when she got caught.
Artie wondered what kind of ethnic background Jamie had. She said she's German and Irish which kind of surprised him. He thought she was Hispanic or something. Howard read that she got arrested for trespassing one time and had a warrant out for her arrest up in Vermont so she got busted for that. Right now she's doing some stripping and also a substance abuse counselor. She was also addicted to cocaine for a year when she was young.
Gary told Howard that she has a husband who is going to jail for substance abuse. Howard thought that was kind of funny since she's a substance abuse counselor. Howard wondered if she would stay faithful to him for the 10 years he's in jail. She said that she might have to go find another man in the future.
Gary said he had to go explain to Tina Fey that they would be done with this contest soon. Howard got to the final contestant, Jessica, who has been arrested for a few things in her life. Howard and Artie seemed to think that she was pretty hot. Howard asked her to take her dress but she warned them that she had a 1 year old baby. Howard told her she still looked good once she took her dress of.
Howard read some notes about Jessica and found out she attacked her mother with a pair of tweezers. She claims that never happened though. She was also arrested for attacking her father. She said she was trying to get off of some prescription drugs at that time so she doesn't remember that fight.
Jessica once hit a telephone pole and had a bunch of ecstasy pills in her car with her so she got in trouble for that as well. She was addicted to drugs before and after her pregnancy. Howard said she seems to have a terrible problem with drugs and stuff. She grew up in Cape Cod so that surprised Howard. He said if he was the judge he would bring her back into his chambers to discipline her.
Jessica said that she's just 21 years old and has done over a year and a half in jail. Howard said he's not sure that she's done with jail yet, she's still very young. She told Howard that her mother is the one who turned her in for the first time when she found some weed in her room. When she got into it with her father she was high but that just happened a year ago.
Howard was confused about who to vote for at this point. He had a point system written down that looked like a mess. He was going to go around the room and get the votes from everyone. He and the guys went over all of the stuff that was wrong with giving Kate the win since she killed someone. She had the least intent though so they weren't sure if they could pick her. Gary was giving his thoughts on the whole thing but Howard told him to shut up, he couldn't take it.
Howard asked Fred what his pick was for the hottest. He went with Jessica. He said she shouldn't be the hottest ex-con though. He said he was going to go with number one, Kate. He said that she murdered someone and did her time. Howard moved on to Artie who said all of them were sexy and pretty. They were also very nice for criminals. He said that Kate was a sweetheart but he doesn't consider her an Ex-Con. He said he was taking the severity of the crime into consideration and didn't think that she should get the money. He said that the Meth girl, Jenna, was his pick for the win.
Gary went next and agreed with Fred on most of what he said but he couldn't stop looking at number 4, Jessica. It was her looks that won out there. Howard said that Robin was next so he asked her for her vote. Robin said that she was going to give the beauty vote to Jessica and the crime vote to Kate. She said that her scores added up and she had to give it to Jessica. She had 2 votes at that point. Howard said this was going to be rough. He gave Kate the most points on her crime score. He also agreed with Artie on the Meth comments. He said that stuff is the worst. He said that he gave number 2 high points on that. He also said that number 3 is a bad criminal so she lost points there but she looks really hot. Jessica had a really pretty face according to Howard so he gave her high scores there. He actually went with number 2, Jenna, so that means they have a tie between Jenna and Jessica.
Howard had to do a whole revote between Jenna and Jessica. He asked Robin which one she was going to pick out of those two. She gave her vote to Jenna. Howard said that Jessica just stole his vote when she gave them some more of her arrest charges. Jenna then added that her father had her committed. Howard stuck with his vote though. Artie said that they both just stole his heart and he was going to go with Jenna. She said she thinks that she was responsible for her father's death and that got his vote again. Fred said that he was going with Jenna as well. Gary was going to go with Jessica but it didn't matter at that time.
Jenna won the contest and $5,000. Howard thought that Jessica was going to cry but she said she was fine. Jamie said she was okay and so was Kate. The losers got SIRIUS radios and Carson's ribs prizes. Howard said it looked like Jessica was going to cry but she said she wasn't. Howard asked her to do it now or not do it at all.
Howard told Jenna that he would sign some panties that she asked him to sign. He also sang her a song before ending the segment. He apologized to the girls that lost and wished them all luck in the future. He had to go to break after that.
Tina wrote the movie ''Mean Girls'' and wrote it from her point of view because that's what she was like. She said she didn't start having sex until she was 24 years old which surprised Howard. Robin read that she was a virgin right up until she met her husband.
Howard asked Tina if she had seen the Ex-Con girls that were just there. She said she missed them but she wanted to say hi to them. That led to the guys talking about some of the wacky stories they heard from those girls. Howard asked Tina where she grew up. She said it was outside of Philadelphia. She never had a boyfriend the whole time she was growing up but she did make out with some guys and got felt up. She said she would meet guys who were just a little bit Christian and wouldn't have sex with her. She said it wasn't great for her ego and the guys she was chasing were nerds too.
Howard asked Tina how she got into script writing. She said she studied writing in school and never really did comedy in a serious way. She said her dream was to be on Saturday Night Live. She said she was part of Second City but she never would have gotten on the show in the regular way that most of the cast is chosen. She asked Artie if he ever had to do that. Artie ended up telling a story about auditioning for Lorne Michaels one time. He also talked about his auditions for MAD TV and how that all went. He said he had to do 5 impressions for the guys he was auditioning for.
Tina said that she auditioned as a writer for SNL and she had to submit some scripts to them. Howard said he once had a meeting with Lorne Michaels about hosting the show and he's pretty sure that the guy had no idea what he was talking about. He said Lorne wanted him to do some really lame stuff on the show so he had to ask him if he knew who he was and what he did for a living. He said the stuff was funny but for all the wrong reasons.
Artie talked more about his meeting with Lorne and how he really is very arrogant. Howard said the guy has created a comedy franchise so he has the right to be arrogant.
Howard asked Tina more about the job she got on the SNL news. She said she was very lucky there. Howard said he liked her in that position. He read some notes about Tina talking about what goes on back stage at SNL and how that seems to be more entertaining than the show is. She said that sometimes they get stuck with people who are just horrible. She said that Paris Hilton is a piece of shit and she was so hard to work with. She said she takes herself way to seriously. She said that she looks like a Tranny up close. She also said that she would leave wads of her hair all over the place.
Tina was talking about how awful Paris was to work with and how she would refuse to do certain bits. She said it sucks when someone like that comes in and doesn't want to work with them. Gary read that Tina and the crew had a bet where they wondered if she would ask anyone a personal question. She never did. Matthew McConaughey was another person that was tough to work with. Tina said he was a nice enough guy but he would walk around shirtless all the time. She said he doesn't smell great either.
Howard said Tina agreed to do Artie's movie ''Beer League'' and she did that as a favor to Frank Sebastiano who wrote the movie. She said she was 7 months pregnant at the time but agreed to do it. She said she got into some trouble for doing it because she wasn't in SAG. She had to join SAG and it cost her $1000 to do the movie. Artie offered to give her a thousand bucks right there if she wanted.
Howard asked Tina what they would do on SNL if a guest came in with a bunch of lame ideas that they just can't do. She said that the guy Adrian Brody did that and had a lot of ideas that were terrible. They just have to talk them out of doing that stuff or just don't do the bits. She said she thinks he got mad that they didn't take his ''great ideas'' and run with them.
Artie said that Norm Macdonald told him a story about George Clooney cornering him at SNL and telling him a joke. He didn't laugh but Clooney wouldn't let him go so he just told him that he had to go to the bathroom.
Howard asked Tina if she ever got into trouble with any celebrities when she was doing her news on SNL. She said she did one joke about Garth Brooks who got mad and called asking for an apology. She said that he wanted a full page ad in the newspaper but they never did it and he never did another special for NBC.
Tina had another joke one time about Mike Myers who called her and bitched her out for it. She said it wasn't even that bad but he called her personally and bitched her out for the joke.
Howard asked Tina about working there at SNL and found out she was actually the head writer there for a while. She said she's glad that she's out of it now, she was there for 9 years. She said she would consider going back again but she would have to take a break first.
Howard said that Tina's movie ''Mean Girls'' made $86 million so she must be able to do more movies if she wanted. She said she could do stuff like that and maybe punch up some scripts and stuff. Howard asked her about working with Lindsay Lohan and also working with Alec Baldwin on ''30 Rock.'' She said that he's been fine to work with so far.
Robin said that Alec seemed to be pretty reasonable on the show the day he was on but it was the same day that Cory Lidle crashed his plane into a building and Alec ended up on the news because he was arguing with a cop. Tina said that he was trying to get to a hospital down in that area to see a new born baby but the cops wouldn't let him go, that's why he got into it with the cop.
Howard asked Tina if she ever fantasizes about having another man since she's only been with her husband. She said she has come to learn that every comedian is a mess and she wouldn't want to be with any of them. Howard figures that she has to have developed crushes on the people she has worked with. Tina said she had a revelation last season when U2 was on. She said that there were a lot of girls trying to get to meet the band at the after party. That's when she realized that in the best case scenario, that woman might be sucking some guy's dick. She's glad she's not doing that kind of thing.
Howard asked Tina about her show ''30 Rock'' which is now airing on Thursday nights on NBC. She said they shoot that right there in New York City. Tina said that they were very lucky to have gotten the show on the air. The guys spent some time talking about the fan sites out there and how everyone tends to get bashed no matter how good they are.
Howard asked Tina if she would dress up in an outfit for her husband if he wanted. She said she would do that if he asked. She said that he works at SNL as a music director. Howard told her he's a fan of hers and gave her a plug for her show ''30 Rock'' which is on at 9:20pm tonight. She said she's happy that they moved the show to Thursday because no one was watching it on Wednesday nights.
Howard told Tina that when Tracy Morgan was on the show recently, he said that he had slept with one of the guest hosts. Tina said that's not possible, no one would sleep with Tracy. She said she thinks that he's lying about that.
Howard read a plug about how ''30 Rock'' is available on iTunes. He didn't know what that meant so Tina had to explain to him that people can buy it and put it on their iPod. Howard asked Tina who she would like to sleep with if she cheated on her husband. She said it would have to be Paul Newman but she'd have to go back in time to when he was hot.
Howard wrapped up with Tina but Artie told her that he was going to give her the thousand bucks he owed her for doing his movie. She seemed surprised that he carries around that kind of money with him. Howard said he was sorry to hear that she didn't get laid until she was 24. He told her to go out and get some guys. He wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard asked if anyone has been watching the Dateline shows where they catch pedophiles. Artie said he watched one episode and that was enough. Howard said they have one where Ronnie the Limo Driver was caught. He played the phony clip where they inserted Ronnie's voice into the real show. They made it sound like Ronnie was trying to pick up a young boy. Howard gave Sal and Richard credit for putting that clip together.
Howard moved on to Mike Walker who was on the line to play his weekly Gossip Game. Howard couldn't tell if it was the real Mike or Fred playing clips. it was the real Mike along with some clips that Fred was playing.
Howard asked Mike if he knew that Tina Fey didn't have sex until she was 24 years old. Mike had no idea and apparently didn't hear the interview.
Howard moved on to the game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Richard went around and hugged everyone. He said he had seen Artie on MAD TV so he was a fan. He asked Howard for another hug before he sat down and talked to him. Howard let him do that since it had been so long. Howard grabbed his ass when he came over to him. He also said that he now smells like him since he was so perfumed up.
Howard wasn't sure where to begin. He mentioned that Richard is the guy who came up with the name for his youngest daughter Ashley and he's never met her. Richard said that he has never not been Howard's friend, but he hasn't been on the show in 10 years. Howard told Richard that he's always considered Richard to be his oldest daughter.
Howard asked Richard want went wrong with their friendship. Richard said that it was all his own fault... end of discussion. He said he got too close to Howard and things didn't go well and it was almost like a divorce. Richard said he's back now. Robin asked why so Gary said he asked him to. Richard said Gary came up to him and asked him to come in so he agreed to do that.
Howard asked Richard if he ever found a woman. Richard said his whole life is his career and he's never found a woman. He said he doesn't need a one on one relationship. Howard said that he used to watch Liberace being asked why he never settled down with a woman... Richard asked Gary why this was happening within 5 minutes of him entering the studio. Howard stopped with that line of questioning and brought up Artie's weight.
Richard didn't know why Howard had to go to Artie's weight and humiliate him on the air. Richard told Artie to pick up his can of soda and read off the calories on that can. Howard said that Artie told someone that he can't stop eating. He drinks like 20 cans of soda a day.
Richard said that Howard has berated him about his weight as well so he knows what it's like. Artie heard that Richard didn't like him so Gary said that Richard saw Artie playing him on MAD TV one time. Artie said that he didn't play Richard, he just played another fag in the back. Richard started to walk out so Howard told him to calm down and come back in.
Richard came back and said that he will give Artie his help if he really wants it. Howard said that Richard is probably the best motivator he's ever met and he really does help people. He said that Richard has inspired millions of people over the years. He asked him what he thinks about that show The Biggest Loser. Richard said he's not a fan and he doesn't think that weight loss should be a competition.
Richard told Artie he shouldn't be eating more than 2000 to 2200 calories a day. Artie said he doesn't think he's eating that much a day. Gary said he's probably had 4000 already today though. They went through some of his food and tried to find out how many calories he's had so far. They had counted up over 600 calories from two different things he's eaten.
Richard was wearing a diamond ring so Howard asked him what was up with that. Richard said it was his mother's ring and he had it split up between his siblings. Richard said he was also wearing his mother's watch.
Richard wanted to promote something he's doing. He has a show on SIRIUS now and also talked about how so many kids are overweight these days. He wants to get the kids more active in schools these days because there aren't enough Physical Education classes. He had a questionnaire that he's handing out to take down to Washington DC to get mandatory PE classes back in the schools.
Howard said he always hated PE classes when he was in school. He said he was tortured when he was in those classes. Richard said he doesn't want to make kids play sports, he wants to get aerobic instructors into the schools instead. Richard got in a plug for his web site, RichardSimmons.com, where you can fill out the questionnaire.
Richard said he heard that Howard had a lovely girlfriend so he wanted to see her. Gary said that they had a magazine there with her in it so they showed him the pictures. Howard said those pictures even make Richard want a woman. Howard said he really was surprised that he didn't call him after the divorce. Richard told Howard that the book he wrote really crippled him. Richard said Howard was horrible at his house and that really hurt. He said that losing his friendship was very hard on him.
Richard said he had to go to a meeting this morning about his radio show. The show airs on channel 102 on Sunday afternoons. Artie thought that he was on OutQ the gay channel. He didn't know he was on SIRIUS Stars. Artie asked Richard if he would really call him off the air about his weight. Richard said he would absolutely do that.
Richard thanked Howard for having him on the show today. Robin told him the door is open to him all the time. Howard said that all of his doors are open to him, front door, ''back door'' and every other door. Robin brought up a story that Richard had told about some family that he'd gotten out of New Orleans before the storm. He almost walked out again.
Artie said that he was thin his whole life and now he's in a position where he needs to lose weight. Howard had Artie tell Richard about the heroin addiction. Artie didn't want to go there but he quickly told him about that addiction. Artie told him that he really does need to lose weight. Richard said he's almost 60 years old and he's been a compulsive eater and he is willing to help Artie out with his problem.
Richard asked for another hug so Howard let him come over and do that. Richard gave him a kiss which Howard said was like a hickey. Howard thanked Richard for coming in and let him go a short time later. Artie said that was great. He saw Richard out in the halls earlier and told someone to tell Gary he was there. They had to go to break after that.
Another caller asked Artie if he's going to work with Richard on losing weight. Artie said he kind of thinks that those deal a meal things are bullshit so he's not sure. He knows that the guy is a motivator.
Another caller told Howard when he handed Richard the picture of Beth, it sounded like he said ''here's a picture of my wife.'' Howard didn't remember that.
Howard said it's kind of cool how two unannounced guests have dropped in at the end of the show. Artie said ''...And both of them were... big celebrities.'' Yesterday Martina Navratilova stopped in.
Jon Hein came in and gave a quick preview of what they had coming up on the Wrap Up Show today. He mentioned all of the guests they had on the show today and what they'll be talking about.
Howard mentioned that he had a good time talking to Martina Navratilova yesterday and to Richard Simmons today. He said he always loved Richard and he's always welcome to come on the show.
Howard mentioned that today is the one year anniversary of Howard TV. He said he hopes that the fans are taking advantage of the service because they try to bring the fans everything they want to see from the show. He mentioned a few of the things that went on this week that will be on Howard TV and uncensored soon.
Doug Goodstein came in and congratulated everyone at Howard TV. He said they've done 625 shows in one year. They're working on endless stuff and they have all kinds of original programming coming up and already up on Howard TV.
Howard asked Doug what's up with his kid. Doug said his wife could be going into labor as they speak but it hasn't come yet. He's pretty sure that he'll have a kid in the next 48 hours or so. Artie said that Doug is lucky because his wife hardly got a belly from the baby. Doug said he just had sex with her about 3 weeks ago but it pretty much freaks him out. He said you can feel the baby kicking and punching on her belly. He's also kind of freaked out about going into the hospital room during labor because of the things he's heard. He's not looking forward to her shitting during labor if that happens.
Howard let Doug go and had Robin start her news a short time later.
Artie said they showed this movie at the event he was at and it was very sad. Then they introduced him to the crowd. He said that every instinct he had was to tell fat jokes but he knew he couldn't do that because the kids are all suffering from this eating disorder. Artie joked about some stuff and was kind of bombing. There was one old guy not laughing so he told a joke with the F-word in it and the old guy laughed like crazy, so he just ended the show with some dirty jokes.
Robin got into her news after that. At one point Howard was looking over the ratings for WYSP which is the station they were on in Philly. He said that when they were on they were always number one but they're down to a 2.0 rating and are getting beaten by WMMR now. Howard said they helped bring them to number one and it's kind of sad that they've gone down so far.
As Howard was wrapping up the show Artie mentioned that you can pre-order his movie ''Artie Lange's Beer League'' on Amazon.com as of today. The movie is due to be released on January 2, 2007. Howard ended the show around 11:35am.
Howard started off the show talking about Eddie Money coming in as a guest. He said he had a big agenda for the show but he had to go to break right after the start of the show.
Howard said he remembered Fred in his will and of course Gary. Then he thought about Jackie and figured he was going to leave the show so he won't be in the will. Robin said Jackie has told him that he's got no time for a girlfriend so that's why he doesn't want to stay there.
Howard said he got good news last night and their Philadelphia ratings came in. He gave himself a drum roll and said that they went from a 6.8 rating to an 8.4 which was a new high for his ratings anywhere. He figured that Jackie was going to want more money after hearing that news. He said some people think that Jackie wants to be the star of the show and can't cope with being one of the team players behind the scenes.
Howard said that the Zookeeper down in Philly still hasn't been beaten but they're only 2 tenths of a point away from beating him. He said that guy has an audience of 12 year old girls who have less hair than the Zookeeper's head.
Howard wanted to say something to the whole crew. He thanked himself for the ratings and gave himself kisses. He thanked the people of Philadelphia for the ratings and also thanked Robin, Jackie and Fred for all they do on the show. Scott the Engineer came in so Howard told him to get out of there because he had nothing nice to say to him. Howard said that perhaps Jackie and Fred are the greatest writers... Then he cut himself off and told Fred that perhaps he's one of the greatest writers and Jackie is just okay.
Howard figures that Jackie's wife is pumping him up so he doesn't need to do it there on the show. Howard told Gary that his teeth are still ridiculous. Gary told Howard that he should thank some of the guests that they've had like Raquel Welch... He pronounced that ''Rick-el'' so Howard goofed on him and his teeth for a few seconds. He told him that no matter what her name is, he still looks like Secretariat.
Howard told Robin how beautiful her breasts are and how that has helped their ratings. He said they still have work to do on the ratings there so they can't let this go to their heads. Robin said that she thinks that people are listening to the greatest radio ever. He told her to wait until he reads her some hate mail they've gotten from Washington, DC.
Howard said he's prepared a very good show today. They have Eddie Money coming in and he will be doing a bit where he meets Liberace. He wanted to take some phone calls from the Philly fans after that. Fred told him he could do that if he wanted to.
Howard took a call from a woman down in Philly who said they like making him number one down there. Howard said he wasn't number one yet but they were on their way. He talked about the Zookeeper down there and how they will prove that he's a no-talent. He said that he's already done it in New York City. Howard said John Gambling can't accept the fact that they've beaten his show. He wanted to call him but Gary didn't think he could get his phone number.
Gary came in with the WOR phone number that Howard wanted so he could call John Gambling. Howard was still on the phone with the woman from Philly so he was asking her what she was wearing. He ended up asking her to take her top off for him. She also rubbed the phone all over herself for him. Howard asked her how much she weighs and how tall she was. She was 5'4'' tall and 110 pounds with a 36-B bra size. She said she kind of looks like Joan Jett so Fred played some puking sounds. Howard said he likes Joan and Fred was just joking around.
Howard called the number that Gary gave him for WOR. Someone answered so Howard told him he was on the air and was looking for John Gambling. The guy put him on hold for a few seconds and then some guy picked up and told them that he was the black guy that hands Gambling the weather on the TV commercials they do. Howard didn't believe that was the case. The guy asked Howard to give him his number and they'd call back. Howard gave the guy a message instead.
Howard told the guy he wanted to give him a message but the guy said he might be able to get John. He disappeared for a few seconds and then asked him for the message. The guy said he had to get back to the weather preparation so he had to go. Howard put him on hold and had Gary give him the number. Gary told him he gave him the number but he's not sure if they'll call back.
Howard described the commercial that they were talking about that John Gambling did. He said they have a black guy handing him the weather report and it's the funniest commercial he's ever seen. He said they arrange the paper on his desk and then John sits down to give the weather report. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that the spittle thing is kind of like people who have a lot of eye cheese, they can only clean it out so many times a day. He also talked about how he plans on destroying that station now that he's on down there.
Howard said he thinks he has a way to cure Stuttering john's stuttering problem. He talked about the way John's lips are really wet when he stutters and he thinks he can do something about it. He continued to goof on the other radio stations and guys that they've worked for.
Howard talked about being introduced to a guy when he was working down in Washington DC when he was being paid $35,000 a year and had an 8 share in the ratings. He said this guy Mo Bender was trying to be cool by telling him about how he gives so much money to charity. The guy had tons of money and wasn't paying him what he should have been paying him.
Howard talked about how they reduced WNBC to nothing after they left there. He said they were shutting their doors the next day and he really wanted to go over there and buy some of their equipment. He told Robin he was serious too because they had some good stuff over there that they never used creatively.
Howard also brought up how he worked with Don Imus back at WNBC. He had to go to break a short time later.
Robin talked about the debate that was on the night before and spent some time on that story. Howard said he was still undecided about who he wanted to vote for. Robin said she was so confused she didn't even know if she was going to vote at all. Howard talked about how frightening the debate was the night before. They had to take a break after that story.
Howard came back from break and got back to the Dan Quayle discussion. Robin went through some other stories and one story was about a place called nig*er Marsh so Howard had some fun with that. Robin informed Howard that Lisa Marie Presley had gotten married so Howard said that The King must be spinning in his grave. He said that he may have to contact Elvis on tomorrow's show. They had to go to another break a short time later.
After the break Robin got back to her news and went through soem more stories. She asked howard at one point what relious group has the most abortions. He figured it was Scientologists but also sadi that's no religion. He spent a few minutes goofing on that. Robin told Howard that the group is actually the Catholics even though they're the ones who are so against abortion. She and Howard talked about that for a short time.
Howard and Robin talked about Bree Walker leaving the local CBS news. Howard talked about how much he lieks to watch her doing the news because seh has claw hands. He joked that Robin wanted to send her all kinds of gifts like nail polish, nail clippers and things like that.
Howard said that Eddie has a bunch of hits and he tried singing some of them. He and Robin were ruining his song by trying to sing it. Howard said he pictures Eddie having major voice problems after singing because he's got such a gravely voice.
Howard was having microphone problems in the studio. He had to turn one off because it was making so much noise. Howard asked Eddie if he wanted to do this Eddie Money Meets Liberace thing. Eddie didn't know what it was so Howard filled him in on what they had planned. Eddie reminded Howard that he was on the show one time when Elton John was on but he didn't get as much air time as Elton did.
Howard said that they must love Eddie over at Columbia Records. Eddie said that his friends are running the company now and that's kind of scary. He figures they must know what they're doing though. Howard got back to the Liberace thing and told Eddie he should be fine doing the bit. He had to take a break before getting to that and Eddie's new album.
After the break Howard got back to Eddie and talked about the bit they had planned for him. They also talked about Eddie's wife and girlfriend. Neither of them were going to hear the show so he didn't have any problems talking about both of them. Howard asked him if he wanted to play the new record or do the Liberace thing. Eddie wanted him to play the album.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Eddie about his wife who he was separated from. Howard figured that Robin would hop into bed with him in a second. He then played some of the new single from Eddie's album. Eddie said that he actually beat Bon Jovi's new album on one of the charts. Eddie sang along to his song a little bit saying he was warming up for his Letterman appearance later that day. Eddie told Howard he's not happy with the video he shot for the song. He said the guy who directed it was some weasle-y English guy.
Howard spent a short time talking to Eddie about his girlfriend trying to find out how he met her. Eddie joked that she was only 14 years old. Howard ended up talking about how he once went to the doctor who gave him a full physical only after finding out who he was. He said the guy had him strip down in front of him and gave him that full physical. He said he knew something was wrong when the guy called him Needle Dick. He had to take yet another break after that.
Howard came back from break and talked to Eddie about working out. Eddie has been working out with the Body by Jake guy. They talked about the wacky stuff that guy uses in work outs. Eddie said he uses household items to do certain workout things. He said he uses a broom stick and a towel to do some stuff. Howard told Eddie that's funny because in the Liberace bit, Liberace has him working out with a broom stick as well.
Howard wanted to move on to the Liberace bit but he kept asking Eddie questions about his wife and what went wrong there. They spent a short time on that before Howard played some more of Eddie's album, which was apparently scratched, as in an actual vinyl album, not a CD. Howard blamed some of the jocks there at the station for not taking care of that stuff, that's why it was scratched. Howard told Eddie he had to do this Liberace thing but they had to take another break first.
(According to Sir Harden Thicke this segment was later banned from being played on K-Rock due to it's graphic content.) After the break Howard set everyone up with their parts for this Eddie Money Meets Liberace bit. All of the guys had their parts but Robin wasn't involved at all. She said that Eddie appeared to be very nervous about this whole thing. Fred played the part of Liberace. He met up with Eddie and asked him if he had a night stick and when Eddie said he didn't have one, Liberace unzipped and pulled one out of himself.
Eddie tried to play along but he was laughing the whole time. Liberace told his story and described where they were at and where they were going. There were some gay jokes, drug jokes and things like that in the script. Eddie wasn't reading along very well at some points. Eddie told Howard he was done when he was supposed to be sitting on Liberace's lap during a song. He said he was going to leave and go over to Z100.
Liberace and Eddie performed a cover of Eddie's ''Two Tickets to Paradise'' song that had a lot of gay innuendo jokes in it. The song was ''Two Fingers in Paradise'' and Fred couldn't even stay in character through the whole song. Howard told Gary to go revive their general manager since he probably passed out after that.
Howard spent a short time with Eddie and then read some articles about his ratings hike down in Philadelphia. There were a few different stories and they were all talking about how Howard was breathing down John Debella's neck in the ratings.
Howard gave Eddie a plug for the appearance he was making on David Letterman's show that night. He asked him if he was going to be able to go out and sit on his couch at all. Eddie said he hopes that he can. Howard told Eddie that he should crack some jokes about Shirley MacLaine because Dave had a fight with her the night before.
Robin got in a few mentions of some stuff that was coming up on some TV shows. Gary came in and told Howard that Eddie had to get going. Howard didn't want to hear that and said he was going to play some of Eddie's album so he wasn't going anywhere.
Howard gave Eddie a plug for his album ''Nothing to Lose'' and played a track off of it as if he were a lame DJ. He took a few seconds to prepare for that and Eddie told him he was too noisy to be a DJ like that. He ended the show on that and it was only about 8:55am Master Tape Theatre time.