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Howard and the crew returned from their 2 week Winter Vacation this morning. Howard started off the show wishing everyone a Happy New Year and complaining about getting up so early again. Artie said he slept late in the afternoon yesterday and was up all night until this morning. Robin had gone to Hawaii over vacation so she spent a minute talking about that. She stayed in Maui for a little while and then went to Honolulu for a little time. She mentioned staying at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel so Howard talked about how the word ''Oriental'' is like the N-word for Asians these days so maybe she should think twice about staying there in the future.
Howard and Beth went to an island off Antigua but ended up coming home early. He said they were having a good time there but they'd had enough of the hot weather and good food so they headed home. Howard said that one of his daughter's was home from college so he wanted to see her. He said some people thought they'd had a bad time there but it was actually a good time. He told Robin about something that happened to him while he was on this island. He doesn't lay in the sun anymore so he just sits around watching Beth laying out in the sun while all of the guys are checking her out. There was a French guy there who was checking her out as he was pretending to read a book. Howard does the same thing but he gets mad when he sees someone doing it with his girlfriend. He described how he puts on his sunglasses and pretends to read as he's actually checking out the hot chicks walking by.
Howard had a golf cart while he was staying on the island and he loves having one of those things. Robin said she loves having one when she's on vacation too. Howard was afraid of getting in trouble for driving one while he was drunk so he had to have Beth take over for him. One night he said Beth told him he almost hit a duck when he was driving the cart while he was a little drunk. Howard went on to talk about how he was in his room at this resort and they had a room that was attached to their room and they had a little kid next door. He was ready to leave after finding out that there was a kid there. He ended up getting moved to another resort where they had the golf cart. That's what got him interested in going there. While he was in the new resort he saw someone who looked like Annette Benning but not quite. Then he saw that there was a guy who looked like Lou Reed with her. It was actually Laurie Anderson. Howard wasn't sure if Lou Reed is a guy who likes him or not so he was afraid to approach him. Then he remembered that Gary told him that he got a note from Lou during the FCC uproar and Lou was a fan... but then he thought about how ridiculous it is that a famous guy should go up to another famous guy. They saw each other the whole vacation but never said anything to each other. Laurie had her dog with her so Beth tried to make conversation as they were jogging by one day but it didn't work. Laurie didn't say a word to them. Howard said that it was kind of a lame attempt. Howard tried to get Lou Reed on the show one time when they were doing a broadcast out in Los Angeles but Lou ended up walking out of the room as Howard was yelling in a megaphone for him to come over.
Robin said that she was on a plane with Ice T one time and he never said a word to her during the flight. She said that Jason Alexander was on the plane after him and he never even looked at her or said a word to her either. She also ran into Michael Madsen one time and he didn't have a lot to say to her when she was in an elevator in Hawaii.
Howard asked the guys if they made any New Year's resolutions. Artie said he breaks too many of them so he doesn't bother. Howard was trying to meditate a couple of times a day but he missed one chance yesterday so he blew it already. Howard went on to take some phone calls after that. Bobo asked Howard if he saw anyone from the show during vacation. Howard said he hung out with Artie on New Year's Eve. Robin said she met Artie's mother over vacation when she went into some place in Hoboken. Robin said that Artie's mom is hot and she didn't even believe it was her at first.
Howard said that Beth set up a dinner party for a few people on New Year's Eve. She invited their friend Ross Zapin and Artie and his girlfriend to the party. Howard said that Artie was drinking his Jack and water all night. Howard said Artie had 3 Jack and waters by the time he got to the party at this place called Town. Artie said the restaurant was great. He had Veal tongue for dinner and it was great. Howard and Beth thought it sounded pretty gross but Artie loved it. Howard talked about another restaurant that he ate at that was really good. He said he had ''turtle anus'' after Artie had that Veal tongue. Artie said he might try something like that if he saw it on the menu at a gourmet restaurant.
Bobo asked Howard what he got Beth for Christmas. Howard said he got her some earrings. Artie said that Dana noticed them immediately and they looked good. Howard said they're diamond earrings and they're in the shape of leaves. He went to Tiffany's to look at some stuff and found a nice pair that were $500,000. He had asked the woman behind the counter how much they were and she said ''They're five...'' and he thought it was five thousand at first. He got right out of there after that. Bobo quickly mentioned that Sirius surpassed a million subscribers last month. Howard said that's good news because a lot of people will be following them over there. He let him go a short time later.
Howard brought up the tsunami that hit while they were on vacation. He brought in some articles about it and it's weird how much news coverage this model is getting because she survived the tsunami. Howard brought up one story about this little 11 year old girl who told her parents that they had to get out of there because she noticed the wave heading toward them while they were on the beach. Her parents didn't know what the term tsunami meant until the girl told them it was a tidal wave. Howard also brought up Phucket, Thailand and how everyone is confused about the correct pronunciation of that word. He said there's no way it's ''Foo-ket'' like everyone on the news is saying. They goofed around with that for a few minutes but Howard had to take a commercial break a short time later.
Howard said that these disasters are avoidable but people insist on living in places where disasters are bound to happen. People in California live on the San Andreas fault and it's just a matter of time before a quake destroys everything. People also insist on living near water and it's just a matter of time before a tsunami destroys everything. Howard said a friend of his was supposed to head over to Thailand for his honeymoon. It turns out he'd just gotten out of there a couple of days before the tsunami hit. Howard said he would never go over to a country like that. Gary wondered why people would want to go to a place like that because there are great hotels and stuff right here in this country. Howard said that you can get the same things in the Caribbean that you can get in Bali so it's pointless to go there.
Howard said the weirdest thing is that there are dead people laying on the beach in Thailand but the rich people are still flying in and laying on the beach just days after the disaster. Howard said the people are demanding services and actually trying to get their vacations in because they paid big bucks to go there. Howard said he had to take another break after that but Artie brought up the model who is getting tons of news coverage because she survived the tsunami. The guys spent a minute talking about her and how hot she is, even after going through the tsunami.
Gary said that some people who are donating money are noticing that their money is going to weird places. There was one woman who got the web site name TsunamiRelief.com and she sold it off to some guy who was supposed to use it for good but that guy ended up putting it up on eBay.com and tried to auction it off for $50,000. Artie changed subjects when he brought up how the NY Yankees now have Randy Johnson on the team. They just keep paying big bucks for these great players. The guys spent a minute on that and the NY Jets.
Howard said that he signs these contracts that are supposed to be iron clad but the other companies are the ones who don't stick to it. They tell him he's violated his contract in some way but they can never give him a good reason. Howard said that there are people who think he cares about Opie and Anthony and Mancow but he really doesn't. Mancow was in the news because he thinks he can take over for Howard in all of his markets and he also thinks that Howard isn't talented enough to make it on satellite. Howard said that the guy would need more than a 3 share to get put on in all of the markets he's on in.
Howard talked about how crazy things have gotten since his announcement about making the move to Sirius and it's ridiculous. They're all overreacting to the news. Satellite is still not that big but terrestrial radio stations are freaking out already. Howard said that this guy Farid is one of the people overreacting. They're hiring Opie and Anthony to replace Howard but Howard really doesn't care. He said he started laughing when he heard the news that the Syracuse station replaced him with Opie and Anthony. It's like Farid has lost his mind or something. Howard said it's like he's on a Jihad of his own. He's apparently off in Harrisburg, Providence and York as well. A caller from Providence, Rhode Island called in and said that he's off the air there but they can still pull in the Boston station. Howard said it's funny because the Rhode Island station is forcing Stern fans to find other stations. It makes no sense at all. Artie did an impression of Farid talking about all of the people they could replace Howard with. Howard suggested just teaming up everyone with Anthony. So it would be Mancow and Anthony, Mark and Brian and Anthony. Artie had a bunch of others that he threw in there. Howard said that it really makes no sense because Citadel, owners of those four stations, is putting satellite based radio shows on their station but the whole reason they were pissed at Howard was because he was talking about going to satellite. Howard said that Farid just needs to take a deep breath and think about what he's doing. He thinks that 2005 is going to be an interesting year. Artie continued to do his Farid impression and said that he's going to bankrupt the company while putting on Imus and Anthony and stuff like that. Howard was laughing his ass off and said ''Look at the pain he's (Farid) causing me...'' He went to break a short time later.
Scott DePace came in and said that he was stuck with his little kid over vacation so he was thrilled to be back at work today. Howard said that's what happens to guys, they don't realize that they can't stand being around little kids. Howard said that it really is women's work because guys get bored after a minute. Scott said that his 8 month old distracts him from watching football and stuff like that. Howard wondered which kid Scott would save if he had to make a decision like that woman did. Scott said he'd probably do the same and let the older one go. Scott said that he really can't take it when it comes to taking care of the little kids. He said that when women decided to go to work, it changed everything. Robin said when she was on vacation she'd go out and look off her balcony and see a bunch of guys sitting there with their little kids while they're on vacation.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who found out that he wasn't on the air this morning in her area. The station was saying that they took Howard off because he was like one big advertisement for Sirius. Howard said that they've been trying to punish him for some reason but everything they're doing doesn't make sense. He went through the history of what's been happening with all of these Citadel stations. They were chopping up his show, cutting him off at exactly 10 o'clock and now they've got Opie and Anthony, who are on XM satellite, replacing him. Howard was laughing at all of this stuff and said he really doesn't care what they do. Artie was doing his Farid impression again and goofing on his wacky behavior. Howard said that Gary told him a story about Farid and how he didn't like this deal that E! had with the company and said ''F*** 'em''' during a meeting he had with him. Howard said he always thought that Farid was a rational guy but it turns out he's not. All of this stuff just shows that he has no idea what to do. Howard said he thinks the guy has gone crazy... maybe. Artie was still doing his impression of the guy and goofed on him for a couple of minutes. Howard said he still loves Farid and invited him to keep sending him bills for $200,000... like he's going to pay them. The woman on the phone said that she's going to miss Howard. Howard told her to try and pick up his show out of Boston since she's in Providence. The woman said that when Howard first got on the air there, she was going to start a letter writing campaign to get him OFF the air but once she started listening, she was hooked.
Howard said that Farid is a loose cannon and he could put them back on the air next week so who knows what will happen? He was going to tell a story about Farid but wants to wait to find out how all of this unfolds. Another caller from York, Pennsylvania, called in and said that they miss him there as well. The caller was kind of upset that Howard wasn't more upset that he's off the air there. Howard said that he showed up to work this morning so it's not his fault. The York station has this guy Earl on the air instead of Howard. The caller told Howard that he's never going to listen to the station ever again, even though he's listened to it all of his life. Howard gave Farid some advice and told Farid to sit down and think about this stuff. He's punishing the audience while he's trying to punish him. It really makes no sense. That company still owes him a year's salary but they're trying to charge him for advertising because he mentioned Sirius.
Howard said that there is no lesson to be learned here, he's going to a new job in a year and that's that. Farid left Infinity to go to Citadel, it's the same thing as far as Howard is concerned. The caller asked Howard if he's going to be coming to Harrisburg this year. Howard said he's not sure what he's going to do this year, he has to talk to Joel Hollander next week and find out what they can do. While he was talking about that Robin mentioned that Les Moonves married Julie Chen while they were on vacation. Howard said that he wished he'd been able to talk to Les about that because he doesn't think he should have gotten married so quick after getting divorced. Howard said that she's really hot in person. Pictures don't do her justice.
Cabbie said he was in this mental hospital outside the emergency room wearing an open backed robe. He really is trying to get some help. Howard said that he wasn't the only one getting calls. Tom was getting calls, Richie Notar was getting calls and Artie was getting some as well. Cabbie told the guys that he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to get out if he said something that the doctors thought was a little too crazy. Howard and Robin said they can't keep him locked up forever, he checked himself in.
Tom said that he and Cabbie have talked about 50-60 times in the past two weeks. Howard asked Cabbie to hang on while he had Scott the Engineer put his weird phone messages on CD. He need up asking Cabbie about the stuff he was saying about how he thought that he was part of a reality TV show that was masterminded by Howard. Cabbie was still talking about how his TV was talking to him and telling him that he was a tsunami. Howard thought he was also cutting holes in his walls and stuff like that as well. Cabbie said he knows that he needs help and that's what he's trying to do now. He sounded like he was on the verge of crying as he was saying that. Howard pretended to be Cabbie's TV for a few seconds and goofed on him about that a little bit.
Cabbie brought up this answering service that Howard has called Wildfire. Cabbie thinks that she sounds hot but it's just a computer generated service. Howard said that his father always calls the service and talks to it as if it's a real woman. Howard asked Tom what's going to happen to Cabbie's radio show now that he's locked up. Tom said that he wants Cabbie to get better and once that happens, he's welcome to come back. The guys spent a couple more minutes talking to Cabbie. Howard wanted to know if Cabbie would let him play his phone messages. Cabbie didn't think that would be a good idea. He said that it might hurt his case if that stuff got out. Artie told Howard and the guys that this kind of thing will eventually happen to him as well. Howard said that Cabbie should keep the Crazy part of his name but Cabbie said he was going to get rid of all of that and just be ''Lee'' which is his real name. Howard said that maybe he should go by ''Insane Lee'' instead. He wished Cabbie luck and told him to get some help. The guys seem to think he'll be okay after he gets some help. Howard went to commercial break a short time later.
Double A called in and told Howard how great the show was today and how great it was to start off the new year. Howard said they'll be out of new stuff by tomorrow. He played a new call that Gary and Wendy the Retards made to Daniel Carver. They called him after Christmas and asked him what he was up to. Daniel was down in New Orleans and complaining about how many ''nig****'' there were down there. Gary the Retard seemed to agree with just about everything he was saying. Wendy the Retard was going off on the FCC during the phone call. Gary was saying that he can't wait for his girlfriend to get out of prison. There was a lot of stuff going on during that phone call. Howard said they were mutilating the English language like crazy. Gary was talking about how he wants his girlfriend to straighten up once she gets out of prison before he decides to marry her. Howard said that Gary was making more sense than Les Moonves who ran right out and got married as soon as his divorce was final.
Howard showed Robin some pictures of the people who went to Phucket just days after the Tsunami to sun bathe on the beaches that had dead corpses on it. Howard also mentioned that the GodHatesFags.com people are happy about this tsunami because it killed off some swedes. They seem to think that God is punishing them for something they did with some minister. Robin wondered why God wouldn't kill the Swedes in Sweden instead of just taking out a few at a resort in Thailand.
Howard said he got those messages and then started to get the messages about Citadel taking his show off the air and putting Opie and Anthony on instead. That got Artie all fired up again and he started to do his impression of the guy and goofed on the dopey things the guy has been doing to get back at Howard. Fred was playing some sitar music as Artie was doing his Indian accent. Robin asked Howard about the story that he teased them with earlier in the show. Howard said it wasn't that big of a deal. He ended up telling the story about how Farid used to work for the company and he was in charge of the paychecks years ago. Howard said that one week, he got a check for a million dollars. He ended up telling Farid about the mistake but he could have just cashed it. Howard said he doesn't get why Farid is so mad at him for making this move to satellite in a year. Citadel taking his show off the air makes no sense to him and he doesn't feel that he's being punished. He hasn't mentioned Farid's messy divorce on the air yet either.
Howard is thinking that Farid is trying to think like Mel Karmazin and this is his way of acting like Mel. Maybe he's thinking that Howard isn't being loyal to the company so this is how he's going to punish him. It's not really working though. Howard said he'd be a little concerned about Farid's mental health if he's running the company. Howard said he can't figure the guy out. Robin said she's more worried about Cabbie's mental health. Howard said he hopes that Cabbie will be okay. The guys continued to goof on Farid and all of this wacky behavior of his.
Howard took a phone call from a guy from Pittsburgh who told Howard about how the F-word got out during The Tonight Show on New Year's Eve. Howard said that he wonders if the FCC will do anything about it. Another caller told Howard he's going to be in Vegas this week and Michael Powell of the FCC is going to be speaking at a conference out there. The caller said he can ask him question if Howard wants. Howard told him to go ahead and do that but the delay was hit for some reason. The caller wants to go to the conference and have Howard ask Powell questions over the phone. Howard put him on hold so they could set that up.
Howard said he read a story about how Michael Powell used to be for free speech but when the whole Janet Jackson thing happened, he changed his tune so he could be the popular kid on the block with the rest of the conservatives. Howard went on to play tape of Motley Crue blurting out the F-word on The Tonight Show last week. Howard said he's sure there's some rule that says it's okay for that to happen on The Tonight Show, but not on his show.
Robin said she saw something that really bugged her over vacation. She saw Oprah getting into the Rolls Royce that John Travolta gave her as a gift. Howard complained about Oprah's magazine and how she puts herself on the cover every month. There was one picture of her where she exposed her stomach and no one believes that it's actually her belly. Howard said no one believes it because Oprah is a pig. He said she looked like a ''Thailand rescue elephant'' as she was getting into that Rolls Royce.
Howard said that Gary gave him a book about 2 years ago and he finally got to read it. He said the book was ''The Lovely Bones'' and it was pretty interesting. The author also wrote a book about how she was raped, called ''Lucky : A Memoir,'' and it takes you through the whole process from what happened to her when she was raped and how she helped get the guy prosecuted. Artie said that he watched some shows from England called ''The Office'' and that stuff was funny. Howard said that movie to watch is ''Napoleon Dynamite.'' He said that it was great but Robin wasn't impressed. She said that J.D. was the one who recommended it to her and she said that he liked the movie because it's like the movie is about him. Howard agreed and said that it really is about him. Howard said he has to find out more about the kid who starred in that movie. He had to take another break a short time later.
Gary also had a celebrity sighting when he was at a Jets football game. He said Marissa Tomei was there and she looked really cute. He wasn't sure what they might have said about her on the show so he never approached her. Howard told him that it's better that he didn't. He said that he's said some stuff about Marissa in the past about her acting and how she's really not all that hot. Gary said that Joe Namath also came to the box and all he could think about was the clip they kept playing where Joe was drunk and coming on to a female reporter at a game one time.
Howard was going to play those TV mentions he talked about earlier but he wanted to end the show at 10 today. He was also going to read an e-mail he got from some dude who met Gary while he was skiing and complained that Gary didn't give him the right attitude. Howard had a tape that Richard Christy put together as a reenactment of that incident. He said he'd talk about that more on tomorrow's show. He had Robin start her news right after that.
Howard and Artie continued their goofing on Farid from Citadel during the news. They had plenty of material since the guy is making such insane decisions for the company. Howard ended the show around 10:20.
Howard started off the show talking about this show that's coming on called ''Celebrity Fit Club'' that sounds kind of interesting. He said it's like The Biggest Loser with celebrities. They have Daniel Baldwin, Mia Tyler, Kim Coles, Ralphie May, Biz Markie, Wendy Kauffman and Judge Mablo. Howard said he's going to check it out and give them a free plug. Robin said she watched the remaking of Vince Neil on some show and he's not as odd looking as people are saying. She said they did darken his hair and that's what makes him look odd. Howard told Artie that he's got to get on one of these remake shows. Artie isn't into doing that though. He said he's not really that fat either. The Celebrity Fit Club show is on Sunday night.
Robin said that the new Flavor Flav and Bridget Nielson show is coming up soon. Gary said he was told that the show was pretty funny but Howard went off on him because he said he heard it from someone at VH1. Howard told him that's like hearing that the Howard Stern Show is funny from Robin Quivers. Gary and Howard went back and forth arguing for a few seconds while Fred played a bunch of the Baba Booey theme songs in the background. Howard wouldn't give up on goofing on Gary. Gary tried to explain what he was trying to say about the show because he can't really talk about it on the air. Howard didn't care and continued to goof on him while Fred played more Baba Booey song parodies.
Howard eventually moved on and complained about the fumes that were in his bedroom after he had his carpets cleaned. He said he had to sleep in another room because the fumes were so strong. He said when they cleaned the carpets they ruined the carpet by changing the colors with the chemicals. He said he was up late with that mess last night. He wanted to watch ''The Surreal Life'' because Chyna Doll is in it. Gary told Howard that Chyna was scheduled to do the show but she's flaked out a few times over the past month or so. They now have her and Verne Troyer booked for the same show. That way they'll have at least Mini-Me if Chyna Doll doesn't show up. Gary also said he heard that Verne has a little person manager and publicist. Artie added ''Have your little people call my little people...'' as Gary was telling the story. Gary was once told that Verne would never do the show because Howard had mocked him on the show at some point. Howard said that he never did that because he loves guys like that.
Robin brought up the Farah Fawcett TV show that's coming up soon but Howard doesn't want anything to do with that. He said that he's just interested in seeing Chyna Doll. The guys wondered if she's going to be playing guitar while she's on ''The Surreal Life.'' Howard said she did walk in the house with her guitar. Fred played the song she performed on the show last year to remind everyone just how funny it was. Howard called her ''Avril LaPenis'' after hearing the song again. Fred did his Herman Munster impression to imitate her. Artie said that he saw a great Munsters show over vacation where Grandpa turned himself into a hot chick to go out with Herman to make Lily jealous. He said that it was a great show and the chick on the show was smokin hot, even by today's standards. Howard said that show was only on the air for 2 seasons but there are still episodes you don't remember. Howard said that Grandpa Al Lewis is still alive but he's missing his legs. He's like 100 years old as well. That led to Howard talking about Johnny Carson and how he's gotten all fat as he's gotten older. He apparently had to sneak out to see a move in the daylight and someone snapped some pictures of him looking all bloated.
Howard went to dinner, at Cheska, with Sal the Stockbroker and Richard Christy last night and he said he's never heard the English language abused so much. He said that Richard was telling him how he goes out to eat at just one restaurant since he moved to New York City. It's a Chinese place where he can have something different every night. Sal said that Richard offered Howard some deer jerky last night as soon as they walked in the restaurant. Howard was doing an impression of Richard's southern accent and goofed on him a little bit. Howard said that he had to tell Richard what to do while they were getting their meals. He had to tell him to put his napkin in his lap as the waiter was putting his plate down.
Gary said that Sal was a little nervous last night and wondered if Gary was going to come with them so he'd have someone to goof on. They all said that they had a great time at dinner last night. Richard said that the meal was probably the most expensive meal he ever ate. Howard goofed on his grammer for a little bit. Howard told Richard that his girlfriend is willing to give him a make over if he wants. Richard said he's thinking about giving up his ponytail because his forehead is growing and he doesn't want to be one of those guys with a skullet.
Howard said he got to know more about the guy's lives last night. He said that Sal has a really interesting life. Richard said that he was fascinated by it. Sal said that Howard ate really quick so Howard told him he just wanted to get out of there. Sal was telling everyone how Howard was digging into their deserts even after they'd taken some bites out of them. Howard said after hearing about Richard's sex life, he figures that he's probably the safest guy to share food with. Richard doesn't date a lot of women but he did have a girlfriend about a year ago. Howard spent a couple of minutes with the guys and then wrapped up and went to commercial break.
The phone caller asked Howard if he has listened to any morning radio shows lately. Howard said he has listened to a few because he might be hiring some guys. He said there are a lot of bad shows out there but there are some guys who are pretty good. The caller told Howard that he should send Farid a thank-you note because all of this stuff is just proving to people that they should switch over to satellite. Howard thinks that he's going to have the last laugh in all of this. He really doesn't care that Farid is taking his show off the air. He's going off the air in a year anyway.
Gary came in and told Howard that Citadel released a statement yesterday and they have a reason for not paying him. He read the statement and Citadel says that they did not expect Howard to do what he's been doing lately by promoting Sirius satellite radio. Howard said they have a delay button they could use to chop out all of the mentions so that's ridiculous. Howard pointed out that Farid is trying to be Mel (Karmazin) but he will never even come close to being Mel. Howard said he's really just tickled by all of this stuff that's going on. Artie and Howard were doing their Indian accents as they were goofing on Farid again. Howard said that he has no desire to leave the company early even though all of these guys feel so threatened by his move.
A woman from York, Pennsylvania called in and said that the station there is saying that Howard is off for the week because he's been bad. They're dangling the show in front of them for some reason, probably to keep the ratings, and it makes no sense to her. The caller wondered if Citadel even tells Howard what's going on. Howard said they're supposed to tell him whenever there is a change made but they haven't even done that. Howard and the caller spent a couple of minutes discussing everything that's been going on. The woman said she didn't even know if Howard was supposed to still be on or not. The woman said that it's almost like they want their listeners to forget about Howard's show but now they won't. The caller asked Howard to post something on his web site to let them know what's going on with the show. Howard asked Jason to post something, but first find out exactly what's going on because even he doesn't know.
Howard said that he spoke to the head of Viacom and asked if he had a problem with him talking about Sirius. He was apparently told that as long as he's not doing a blatant commercial for the company, it's okay to mention it once in a while. Howard said that Citadel could hit the delay button whenever he mentions the company if they want to keep him from talking about it. The woman said that she really misses the show already. She wonders how many stations Howard has left. Howard wasn't even sure how many he had left. Citadel took him off about 5 stations so that knocked him down a few. The woman was telling Howard how bad the new morning show is out in her area but she enjoys calling in to annoy the host. Howard let her go a short time later and continued to goof on Farid for a couple of minutes before taking a commercial break.
Howard ended up goofing on Artie's new facial hair that made him look like Fu Man Chu or the Frido Bandito. Artie said he was trying to look like Thurmon Munson. Howard figured that Artie is one of those guys who had facial hair at the age of 9. He had a friend who had so much facial hair in high school that he looked like one of the other teachers. He could have passed for a camp counselor when they went to camp as well.
Howard said when Regis was hosting the New Years Eve thing, he looked like he just wanted to get out of there. Gary told Howard that Regis didn't have all that much to say during the show. He was pulling some clips so they could listen to it. Artie couldn't believe that Howard didn't remember seeing the show that night. Howard said he must have been pretty loaded because he really didn't remember seeing it.
Howard said that he heard that Sal knows a comedian who is doing Tsunami jokes already. Gary said he was listening to the comedy channel on Sirius and they were playing an Adam Sandler bit where he surfs a Tsunami wave. Sal came in and told a couple of the jokes that ''his friend'' was telling. It turns out that the friend is actually Sal himself. He asked ''What's the official drink in Thailand? A mudslide.'' Howard said that was pretty lame. Sal told a couple of others that were pretty bad. Richard Christy said that Sal tested out the jokes the other day at a comedy club and he was happy that he was able to get the audience back after losing them with the jokes.
Howard played some audio from The View and goofed on that. One of the women had a theory about animals having a sixth sense that humans have lost. She said that the animals in Thailand were able to get to high ground to save their lives but humans have lost that sixth sense because we like to get our information from computers... friggin retard. Robin and Howard pointed out that we didn't get computers until the 1980s or so and her theory is just dumb.
Robin said that she thought the best story that came out while they were away was Ellen Dengeneres breaking up with her girlfriend when she fell in love with Portia De Rossi. Howard said the best story was actually Josh Brolin and Diane Lane's fight that he read about. He talked about that for a couple of minutes. He was saying that Diane Lane is a really hot chick that he'd worship if he was married to her. He said that's what she gets for marrying a pretty boy like Josh Brolin. Robin filled in some of the blanks in the story Howard was telling and it sounds like Josh had lost a job and Diane was trying to comfort him when they got int this fight. Howard reenacted the fight in his own way. He couldn't get over how hot Diane is and said that he would lick her in the dirtiest place to clean her. He said she'd have to call the cops to get him to stop from licking her and banging her too much. He said he'd be going to every movie opening he could with her. He asked Robin to find out what show it was that Josh was turned down from that led to him fighting with Diane Lane. Howard said that Brolin should have been shoved in the Surreal Life house with all of the other has beens. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard had a bunch of interesting tapes to play from shows that have done reports about his upcoming move to Sirius but he's afraid that people are going to think that he's doing commercials for Sirius if he does that. The woman on the phone said she'd love it if Howard just jumped ship today and went to satellite so she could hear him.
Another phone caller told a lame Tsunami joke. He asked Howard what they called the Tsunami that hit Israel... The Jewnami. That led to the guys talking about the tsunami again. Robin said that she read that the dead are being robbed and some of the bodies are being held for ransom. She said that a lot of people are finding out the addresses of people who perished and robbing their homes when no one is there. Howard heard that there are orphaned kids being sold into slavery as well. It's a mess over there.
Howard played an old prank call that was made to High Pitch Erik where the guy from the Touch Tone Terrorists offered him a job in a porn movie having guys do stuff to him. Erik was agreeing to just about anything that was thrown his way, gay or otherwise.
A phone caller told Howard that he saw Pam Anderson and Stephen Dorff down in Cabo San Lucas making out. The caller claims that he went up to her and asked her about the day she spent with Ralph and the Scores girls at her apartment. He was wondering why she was with Ralph that day but Howard told him that Ralph didn't bang her, he just got to hang out with her. The caller asked Howard for some kind of prize but he didn't have anything to give away. Howard told him that he was in Cabo San Lucas so he can't be that bad off.
Gary told Howard that there's a new quiz where they ask the employees what they would do if they were on the air and a certain thing was going on. Howard answered the question incorrectly but he thought the whole thing was dumb. Gary read another question about a woman flashing at a football game for just a split second. They ask if it could be considered indecent. Howard said after the whole Janet Jackson thing, it would obviously be considered indecent. Gary wanted to read another question but he wasn't sure he could say it on the air. Howard read through it himself and did say some of the stuff on the air but the delay was hit on some of it.
Scott the Engineer came in and said he received this e-mail and was offended by it so he'd like to complain to the FCC about that. Gary went on to read another question about stuff that could be considered indecent. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that what Scott had just said is the reason that no one likes him. Howard said that Scott was right and they shouldn't be sending out mail like that if it offends him. Tom argued that it's educational stuff so that's why they mail it out to them.
Howard and Tom talked about this guy Farid who used to work with them. Tom said he never had a problem with Farid and got along with him when he was there. Howard said he thought he got along with him as well but now the guy has turned on him. Tom reminded Howard that he said some stuff about Farid while he was there and he may have left with some bad blood between them. Howard said he made up with him before he left and he didn't think there was any bad blood there. Gary thought there was something going on there. Artie is pretty sure that Farid didn't like him when he left. The guys talked about how things don't look good for having a big, blowout final show there at the company. Howard said he doesn't think that will happen and he doesn't think that they'll even go to Las Vegas this year. Tom said he is hopeful that they'll go to Vegas and have that final show. He said if they'll all be making money, it should happen, no problem.
Howard and Tom talked about Diane Lane for a couple of minutes. Tom sounds like he's a big fan of hers. He remembered a couple of nude scenes in some of her movies. Tom also told Howard that he's looking forward to that final show... but then corrected himself and said that he's not looking forward to the end of the show, just that big final show. Howard was also asking Tom when he's going to reschedule the canceled company Christmas party. Tom said a memo should be going out soon about the new party. Howard said he'd like to have a sit down dinner instead of the usual party the company throws. Tom said that will never happen though.
Howard and Robin changed subjects and talked about Ellen Degeneres for a couple of minutes. Howard told the story about how Ellen broke up with her girlfriend and hooked up with Portia De Rossi. They talked about that for a couple of minutes until Howard had to take another break.
Howard read some e-mail that he's gotten lately. Someone warned Howard about Cabbie's behavior and suggested they be careful with him. Another person asked if Howard is engaged because she was wearing a ring on her Spike TV show that looked like an engagement ring. Howard said he is not engaged but he has purchased her a ring that she moves from finger to finger because it doesn't fit right. Howard read the mail he got from the guy who ran into Gary at Windham Mountain while skiing. The guy was kind of pissed at the way Gary treated him when he told him he loved the show. Gary just said ''Thanks'' and went on his way. Gary siad that he's pretty sure that's the same guy who was with a group of friends saying ''Booey, Booey'' as they were standing in line behind him at some point.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who suggested that Howard not get a nose job because it's part of his personality. Howard sid that he' wasn't planning to get one, he may have talked about it during Best of Stern or something. Howard had Robin start her news right after that so they could get out of there by 10 o'clock.
During the news Howard said that he got his invitation to Donald Trump's wedding but he's not sure he's going to make it. He hates getting on an airplane these days and he's not sure he wants to fly down to Palm Beach to go to the wedding.
A phone caller told Howard that he banged his 38 year old mother-in-law recently. He said she was laying naked out by the pool one day and he ended up pleasuring himself to her while he was in the bathroom and she was laying outside topless. He then went out for a dip in the pool and offered to put some sun tan lotion on her back. He said she turned over and told him not to forget the front. Then he lotioned her chest and ended up starting on her outside and finished her off inside. Howard said he believed his story but didn't believe that a Mexican guy would have a pool. During the discussion there were a bunch of delay button hits so we missed out on the story. The guy said that he's going to continue to do the mother and not tell his wife. Artie jokingly said that he's just going to continue to be Mexican. Howard was trying to figure out what would happen if this guy got his mother-in-law pregnant. He was figuring that the kid would be his brother, brother-in-law and son all in one. Howard told the guy to call back in a year so he can give more details without being censored.
Howard started off the show pointing out that Artie was still sporting his Fu Man Chu moustache. Artie said he likes it but Howard told him that it didn't fit him right. He said that it makes his chin look like it's pushed in. Artie said he doesn't know what his ''look'' is. Howard told him that he should do a hitler moustache for one show. You can see Artie's moustache at HowardStern.com
Howard had an audio clip of Ashlee Simpson getting booed at the Orange Bowl. She was performing live and not sounding all that great so the crowd started to boo her. It sounded like the whole stadium was booing her. That got some laughs from Artie. Howard went on to talk about Don Imus and how he apparently said something about ''Thieving Jews'' while he was talking about something on his show. Howard said that doesn't surprise him because that's the kind of stuff Imus used to say when he worked with him. The Anti Defamation League apparently wrote him a letter asking him to take it easy with that stuff so Imus told them to leave him alone. He apparently made matters worse when he said that the term ''Thieving Jews'' was redundant. Howard pointed out that the guy still has politicians supporting him and appearing on his awful show.
Howard said that Mini Me (Verne Troyer) is going to be on the show on Friday. Chyna Doll was supposed to be coming in but Howard read that she was arrested on New Years Day so she may be missing in action right now. Artie accidentally called her Gyna at one point and Howard seemed to like that. They may keep that name from now on. The guys talked about how Triple H dated Chyna for a couple of years which is pretty amazing. The guys were also talking about ''The Surreal Life'' which Chyna is appearing on. They have people like Verne Troyer, Chyna Doll, one of the guys from The Brady Bunch, Jane Wiedland, Da Brat and others. Howard said Verne got drunk, got naked and started peeing all over the place. Other people were getting naked with him. At one point Verne passed out on the guy from The Brady Bunch who picked him up like a baby and put him to bed as he was making noise like a baby. It sounds like quite a show.
Howard mentioned that Mr. Skin will be in tomorrow to promote his new book ''Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia.'' Artie had a copy so he checked it out. He was looking up some chick that he dated but didn't mention who it was. That led to Artie saying that it can't be Jennifer Aniston and then Howard was talking about Brad Pitt who he saw smoking a cigarette in a picture. Howard spent a few seconds talking about how Pitt has no reason to be smoking.
Howard read a story about a guy from New Jersey who got in trouble for pointing a laser at an airplane recently. Howard read through the article and tried to figure out how the little laser pointer could reach that far. He read that the guy also pointed it at a helicopter as well and then blamed it on his kid for the incident. Now the guy faces jail time for doing that. Howard said they should throw the book at the guy and give him every bit of jail time they can force on him.
A listener called in an read a story about Chyna Doll (Joanie Laurer) who was arrested on January 1st. She beat some guy up and got arrested for it. Howard played the song that she performed on his show last year. He cut it off a little early and tried to figure out what she was singing about in the song. He was thinking that she was just making it up as she went along and there's no way she could recreate it again if she was asked to. Howard had Fred continue the song so they could goof on it some more. Howard mentioned some of the stuff she does on ''The Surreal Life.'' He said she seems to drink quite a bit and she's running around in bikinis and stuff. The guys spent a couple more minutes talking about Chyna Doll.
Brian said that he smoked some of Eric's weed while he was there at the game with him. He told Howard that Eric knows where to go to get high and get away with it at the stadium. Eric said he doesn't bring a bong to the game with him but he will bring one with him if he goes to Atlantic City or something like that. Robin wondered if he's got a girlfriend. Eric was looking for some advice on women because he's got a girl who wants to marry him. She doesn't smoke as much weed as he does. Even Brian couldn't keep up with him. Brian told Howard that he had to sneak in some rum and soda in a Poland Spring bottle. He said the guy who was searching people made him take the cap off of his water bottle but let him go in with it even though it was filled with alcohol.
Eric told Howard that he gets his parrot high and the thing will start to laugh when he laughs. He hadn't waken it up yet so he couldn't demonstrate it. Eric brought up last night's Intern Beauty Pageant E! show and said that the chicks on the show were really hot. A couple of them are still working there so Howard had them come in. Erika and Gianna both came in and said hello to Eric. Erika said that she's been a fan of Eric's since the first day she started working there. Erika told Howard that she was up all night last night watching herself on the E! show. She stayed up all night drinking and watching the E! show. Eric wondered if Erika gets horny when she's drunk but she didn't answer. Howard wondered when the girls were finished working there. They said that they're done this coming Friday. The girls said that they could have sex with Howard after that. Eric wondered if they could put the interns in the RoboSpanker. Howard said that's off limits to the interns. It's one of his own rules though, it's not the company's policy.
Howard asked Eric to make his parrot laugh instead of talking about the RoboSpanker. Howard said there's not much you can do with a parrot so he can't understand why someone would have it as a pet. Eric said that you really can do some stuff with them because they're as smart as a 3 year old kid. He wasn't able to get the parrot out of it's cage so he got back to talking to the interns. Erika was telling Howard how the girls weren't wearing panties the day of the Intern Beauty Pageant. Erika said she never wears them because they don't fit right and feel funny. Howard had to wrap up the call with Bong Hit Eric after that. The girls said their goodbyes to him and got back to work after that. Howard took another commercial break a short time later.
Howard talked about the way that Citadel is doing business with him. Farid sent him a bill for advertising saying that all of the plugs he got in for Sirius were like ads. Howard thinks that Farid is acting like a little girl treating him the way he is. He really doesn't care if they take him off the air up there because he's leaving in a year anyway.
Howard replayed an audio clip of Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard talking to each other the other day. Wendy has the flu and was puking on the phone. Gary the Retard thought that he could catch the flu over the phone. That led to Richard Christy and Sal the Stockbroker making a prank call to Gary as the flu. Howard played that clip a short time later. Sal told Gary that he was from a phone company and they were trying to track down the flu. He told him to disguise his voice if anyone called. Richard Christy called a short time later as The Flu and Gary answered as a woman. He changed his voice and tried to get away from The Flu. Sal called him back and told him to say ''Shoo, shoo, no retarded flu'' if The Flu called him back. Richard called back and Gary repeated that a few times trying to kill off The Flu. Richard pretended that he was being killed off by those statements. Artie said that it may have been one of the funniest calls he's ever heard.
A listener called in and complained about Howard saying that he's not upset about Citadel taking him off the air. He said that Howard keeps saying he doesn't care but that shows that he does care. He also told Howard to get back to being funny because ever since he started making a lot of money, he's not funny anymore. Howard ended up hanging up on him.
Howard read a story about Formula 1 race car driver Michael Schumacher donating $10 million to the tsunami relief fund. That led to Howard talking about how President Bush only offered about $35 million to the relief fund at first but people suggested that we donate more so we'd look good. Now it's up to about $300 million. While they were talking about that stuff Artie mentioned that he knows a kid who was promised $250 from their radio station and never got it. Tom Chiusano came in a short time later and asked who it was because he wanted to make sure the kid got paid. Artie told him that it was a kid who came in to help Sal the Stockbroker out with something he did one time. Tom said he'd make sure that the kid got paid.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Formula 1 driver Michael Schumacher is the highest paid athlete in the world. Howard was handed some information that said Schumacher was paid $80 million last year. All of that for driving a car. He said ''that's nuts.''
Jeff Jarvis was on the phone a short time later. Jeff said that the FCC has just blown them off and won't answer his requests. He said they told him that they couldn't characterize the information which meant that they didn't have it. Howard said he knew they didn't have anything on Viacom when they fined them. Jeff said that's true and there was no investigation. Jeff was also asking for a copy of the Viacom memo that went out to everyone about what they can't say on the air anymore. Jeff wants to post that to show people what the FCC is doing to TV and Radio. Jeff said that the FCC has everyone running scared and no one is talking about it. Howard told Jeff about the agreement Viacom made with the FCC about suspending any on air talent if they get fined. Howard said he has a meeting with the head of Viacom next week so they can try to work things out around that ridiculous agreement. Howard never agreed to it and there's nothing in his contract about it.
Jeff told Howard that he requested some information about the complaints that have been filed about the Olympics and about Oprah Winfrey. They were probably filed by Stern fans but the FCC isn't doing anything about that stuff. Howard said that they're not going to fine Jay Leno's show over the F-word slipping out the other night either because he's Jay Leno. If it was Howard's show, they'd be fining him already. Gary came in and said that they were saying that the reason the FCC won't fine Leno's show is because he's on late night and has a ''more mature audience.'' Jeff laughed at that statement. Howard let Jeff get in a plug for his web site BuzzMachine.com before he let him go. Jeff told Howard that he's got his ''Uh, uh uhhh'' (Code for Sirius radio) and he'll be listening to him when he makes the move.
Howard spent a short time talking about these Blogs, like Jeff's, that are all over the web these days. He said some of them are like reading about a conversation with your wife or something like that. Artie joked that he's thinking of starting his own blog. Howard read a story about a guy who was just found floating around on a tree out in the ocean after the recent tsunami. The story said that the guy thought that God saved him because he had been working on a Mosque. Robin thought that was pretty amusing. The guys spent a little bit of time talking about some of the other stories they've heard about the tsunami survivors before going to commercial.
Howard had a bunch of tapes from the past couple of weeks while they were on vacation. There were a bunch of reports about Howard and his move to Sirius. He was apologizing for playing them but they are news. He said he hates apologizing for that kind of stuff but that's what he feels he has to do because of the way he's been treated lately. The first clip was this guy Ko Jo talking to Debbie Mattenopolous about his make over and how he used to look like Howard Stern. Howard goofed on both of them for a short time.
Captain Janks made a call to FOX news during the tsunami coverage recently. Howard played tape of that call. Janks called in as a guy who was in a Sri Lankan resort. Janks told the reporter that it was a mess and the most incredible thing he'd ever seen. Janks told the reporter that the sound of the wave sounded like the Howard Stern Radio Show. Of course they hung up on him after that.
Howard had another audio clip where some show reported on who they thought was the ''Media person of the year.'' Howard was on that list but didn't come in first. Jon Stewart apparently won the vote on this unknown web site poll. Howard and the guys talked about the surprising success of Jon Stewart and his book ''America.'' Howard said he has a copy of the book and he can't even get through it. He said he hated to say that though.
Howard played an audio clip from a news report where they were talking about Clear Channel dropping Bubba the Love Sponge and Howard Stern. Howard cut the clip off short before they mentioned Sirius so he could save the station some problems.
Howard played another prank call that was made during the tsunami coverage recently. The caller mentioned Howard Stern as he was talking about how people need to have a warning signal for any tsunami's that may come up. There was yet another call made during C-Span's coverage of the tsunami where a guy mentioned Howard's name during a discussion. Another guy called C-Span during a different report. They all get cut off right after mentioned Howard's name.
Howard had a crapload of other audio clips where his name was brought up. There was one show where they were discussing the moral values in this country and a Lynn Cheney was talking about how she doesn't listen to Howard Stern but does listen to Don Imus once in a while. Howard said that she must enjoy the ''Thieving Jew'' comments that Imus makes on his show.
A woman from Providence, Rhode Island called in and asked Howard why he wasn't on up there anymore. Howard told her to check out his web site to find out a little more about it. He also told her about this guy Farid Suleman who runs Citadel, which owns that station and a few others that yanked his show off the air. The woman said that she just bought her ''Uh, uh, uhhh'' radio and she's looking forward to Howard making his move. Howard said that Farid is helping to sell radios because he yanked his show off up there. That got Howard talking about his upcoming move and how he's still getting huge ratings on regular radio. He doesn't think that pulling him off a year early is doing these stations any good. Howard said that they're taking all of this out on the fans which is just pissing them off. The caller said that she really misses Howard already and she hates getting up in the morning without him on there. She also said something about Howard being a sexy guy. That got Howard talking about how women always say that he's great in bed.
Howard said that his girlfriend Beth told him a story about taking the train in from New Jersey yesterday. She was reading a book and this guy in a conductor's uniform came over to her and was staring at her. She asked him if there was a problem. He just stood there and stared at her and said there was no problem. He told her that she was beautiful and he just wanted to enjoy her beauty. He was the conductor and told her that he didn't have to leave even though she asked him to leave. Beth thought it was very weird and creepy. He wouldn't stop and there wasn't really anything she could do about it. Robin said that she should really report that guy because he's probably done the same thing to other beautiful women. Artie said there's probably a chance that the guy either has done, or will do something to a woman in the future.
Another woman from Syracuse called in and told Howard how ridiculous this whole situation is with Citadel. Howard said he's puzzled by the whole situation. Howard played the phone call between Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard where Wendy was puking over the phone. He also replayed the Gary the Retard phony phone call where he was fighting The Flu (played by Richard Christy). Howard liked the female voice that Gary the Retard put on during that call.
Howard mentioned that ''Lost'' is on tonight and he's looking forward to watching that. He took a phone call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said that she watched Beth's TV show on SpikeTV last night. She thought Beth did a nice job on the show. Howard described the show and said that even Beth thinks it's kind of goofy. The show is apparently a hit on Spike now. Howard said that they play cards on the show and Beth isn't a card player but she's done pretty well so far. Mariann sang a little bit of ''Let's Get Sirius'' to the tune of ''Let's Get Physical'' as she was getting off the line. Howard wrapped up a short time later and took another break.
Howard said that he was talking to Gary during the break and the guy is retarded. He explained that Gary has to build a car with his kid for the Cub Scouts. It's not easy and the kids can't really help out that much because they're so young. Gary has to go home and build it himself after work every day. Howard asked him what he's doing. Gary said it's something they can do together but Howard told him he could just take them fishing or something. There's another thing going on where they take the kids to a battleship and actually sleep on the ship. You have to sleep on a metal hammock and you can't sleep during the whole thing. Howard said that Gary should be doing stuff that he's going to enjoy as well instead of doing things that he hates. Gary said that's not fair to the kids though. Robin thinks that Gary is doing the right thing by getting involved with his kids. Howard argued with both Gary and Robin and said that the Cub Scouts are teaching the kids that all of this stuff is okay. Howard said that Gary is doing all of the building in the project so they're really not participating in the whole thing. All they're going to do is drive it. Gary told Howard he was off on the whole thing, it's a pinewood derby, not a soap box derby. He's building a car that's only about 6 inches long. Howard told him to stop bitching about it if he hates it so much then. He told Gary that he could do a lot of other things with the kids that wouldn't be so much work.
Howard asked Gary what he likes to do. Gary said he likes to watch sports so Howard told him to take them to a game. Gary said he's done that. Gary said that the kids are in the Cub Scouts and that stuff is the kind of stuff they want to do, that's why he does it with them. The battleship thing is supposed to show the kids what it was like for the soldiers back in the 1940s. Artie told him that it's not the 1940's anymore and he should be teaching the kids about the ''intranet'' instead.
Howard said that he participated in his daughter's lives. He went to basketball games they played in and helped them build stuff but if he didn't want to do it, his wife would take over. Gary said that he's seen some guys who read a book to their kid but won't read a big paragraph to them, they just shorten it to a sentence. Howard said he's guilty of doing that himself. Gary asked Howard if he steers his daughter to a movie that he'd rather see if there's a choice of a couple of different ones. Of course he does, why would he want to sit through a movie he won't enjoy. Howard told Gary to just go and sleep on the metal chain bed and let him know how it goes. Gary said he's going to do that and he'll fill them in when he comes back. Gary wondered if there were things he wanted to do with his dad that he never got to do. Howard said there was nothing he really wanted to do with his dad at all.
Robin said that Scott DePace has hired strangers to take care of his 8 month old. Gary said that Scott told him that if he could, he would give his kid to a stranger for a month and let them bring the kid back. He doesn't think he'd miss much of anything. Howard compared that to his dog that was raised from a puppy by the breeder. He has the dog now that it's been trained and it's great. He thinks that people could let their kids be raised by someone until they're 7 years old and they'd be fine with them after that. Scott thought 7 would be a little long though. Howard said he would have much rather have been raised by someone other than his parents for 6 years or so. He thinks he would have been better off mentally. Scott told the guys that his father gave him the pinewood derby stuff and pointed him to the tools when he was 6 or 7 years old. The car fell apart during the race but he learned how to build it himself.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the battleship thing is horrible, he's done it. He said that there are going to be 500 screaming kids in the ship and he's going to have to deal with that. Gary doesn't seem to mind all of that stuff but he was complaining about it earlier. Howard told the guys that he and his daughter went out and bought a journal the other day. He helped her get it started so he does do stuff with his kids. He and Gary were still arguing about the whole battleship thing. Howard said he would never do something like that and he knows that Gary is going to be miserable and he really doesn't have to go through it if he doesn't want to. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard got the French deejay, Arthur, on the phone during the news. Howard told him the interview wasn't going to last long. He was ready to bail as soon as he heard someone translating in French. Howard asked him what makes him ''The French Howard Stern.'' Arthur said that he's really not the French Howard Stern. Arthur told Howard that he was on the show a few years ago and was insulted by Howard for a half hour. Howard asked Arthur why the French hate the Jews so much but Arthur and his partner said that they're both Jewish. Artie told Arthur that they had to get going because they had to take a call from the Mexican Howard Stern.
Howard also asked Arthur if it's true that he produces 70 percent of the shows on TV there. He said that is about right but he never said that it was 70 percent. He said they produce shows like ''Big Brother'' and stuff like that. Arthur wanted to give Howard a gift but Howard wanted nothing to do with it. He told Arthur that the French owe everything to America and they should thank them every day. Arthur said he knew Howard was going to say that. Howard also told them that they should apologize for killing Lady Di, and some other things. Arthur started to speak in French so Howard bailed out on the call a short time later. Arthur said that he had two naked women to give to Howard as a gift but he didn't want it. Arthur told Howard that his E! show was on over there and made him very famous. Howard got off the line a short time later. Robin got back to her news a short time later.
Arthur was back on the phone a few minutes after he got off the line but Howard told him to stop stalking him. Arthur just wanted to give him the present he had for him. Howard had to hang up on him once again. Howard thought he'd gotten rid of him but he was back again about 5 minutes later. Arthur kept insisting on giving him this gift he had for him but Howard just hung up on him again.
During the news Robin showed Howard a huge ad that appeared in Television Week promoting her upcoming TV talk show. The ad basically just announced that her show is going to be available in the fall. She read the ad to Howard but Arthur was back on the phone so Howard took the call. Arthur had a couple of women faking orgasms for Howard but he wasn't impressed. Howard asked Arthur what that was. Arthur said that they were beautiful French girls but Howard didn't care. He told him to leave him alone again and hung up on him. Howard had Robin finish up her news a little later and ended the show around 10:40.
Howard said the only thing that's really in the news other than the tsunami is Ashlee Simpson singing live at a football game over the weekend. He replayed the clip where she gets booed at the game after her performance. Artie said he's starting to feel sorry for her because she's constantly getting berated over the whole thing. Howard said that there are people like Jennifer Lopez who can't sing so they just never sing live, they lip sync. Howard said J-Lo is smart, she won't sing when she performs. Ashlee was embarrassed by her Saturday Night Live performance and now she's trying to sing live. Howard suggested that she go on American Idol so they can prepare her for that kind of stuff. He also pointed out that Ashlee is managed by her Dad which doesn't help matters. Artie said that he saw a Dukes of Hazzard behind the scenes thing and saw how hot Ashlee's sister Jessica looks. He had the chance to try out for the part of Cooter but turned it down. Howard thought that he could have played Bo Duke himself. He joked that sliding through the General Lee's window would have been tough with his big nose.
Bong Hit Bill called in and took a couple of hits off of his bong after saying he was preparing for the upcoming Vikings game. Howard let him off the line a short time later so he could move on to another caller.
Cabbie asked Howard what he would do if he had a picture of his girlfriend that was kind of suggestive, that he's had for a couple of years, that he's looked at a bunch of times, changed and showed her with different tattoos. Cabbie said that the picture he had of his girl was not the same person. The tattoos were different than what his girlfriend actually has. Cabbie seems to think that she's not the same person. Cabbie doesn't think he's delusional but that seems to be what Howard is thinking. Cabbie sounded kind of wacky as he was talking to Howard about this stuff. He asked Howard some other questions, comparing them to his relationship with his girlfriend. Cabbie seems to think that this woman he's dating is a different person than he knew a couple of years ago.
Cabbie didn't like that Tom was joking about this stuff with him. Howard made sure that Cabbie knew that it was just Tom goofing on him, not the rest of them. Cabbie continued to try and prove that there's some conspiracy going on in his life and he just wants this stuff to end. Cabbie told them that he just drank something and he really didn't know what it was. Howard heard that he was calling in and claiming that he was drinking poison. Cabbie said he never did that. He asked Howard what he would do if he found a recording device in his apartment. Howard said he would first say ''Testing, testing... ONE TWO'' just like his father did on an old tape. Fred replayed that tape for Cabbie who didn't seem to find that very funny. Cabbie said that he thinks everyone else knows what's going on but he doesn't. Robin tried to convince him that this is all part of his illness and he needs to get help. Artie said that he's a good friend of Cabbie's and he's perfectly willing to hire someone to drive him to Bellvue.
Cabbie said that he lives on a street that used to have tons of traffic and lately, there's hardly any. Everything is changing for him and he doesn't get it. Howard told Cabbie that he believes that he's crazy, even though there are others who don't believe him. A phone caller told Howard to rip Cabbie a new A-hole. Cabbie started to realize how crazy he sounds when he's talking about this stuff... but then he started to tell Howard about how he's called 911 three times and the cops didn't show up once. Tom asked Cabbie why he was out of the hospital. If he doesn't go back then it's ''goodbye Lee.'' Cabbie told Tom that they don't have a bed for him at the hospital until today. He said he's going back today to get that bed. Cabbie was saying that the social worker he was working with was really hot so Howard told him he's not all that crazy.
Double A called in and Cabbie didn't believe it was the right guy. Double A said that he really is crazy and if Howard lets him back into the building, they're nuts. Howard took another call from a guy who claimed to be a doctor. The doctor said that Cabbie may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the time he served in the Gulf War. He said something that got the delay hit. We caught the end of him calling cabbie a ''faggot.'' Howard told Cabbie that the only thing that's going to help him right now is getting himself into that mental hospital. Cabbie kept trying to change subjects and asked Howard if he bowls at one point. Cabbie thought they were trying to stop him from talking about something else. Howard said there was only one answer for every question he was asking. That answer was ''Mental Hospital.'' Cabbie told them that the only thing they did for him at the mental hospital was give him a pill that made him sleep all day. Artie said that sounded good to him and he'd be happy to go along with him today to do the same thing.
Cabbie asked Howard and Artie if they have their own bowling shoes. Artie said he's only bowled about 3 times in his life and Howard said he doesn't want shoes with a big ''14'' on the back of them. Cabbie said that he bought his own bowling shoes, and when he bought them, they came with inserts... Howard cut him off and took a call from Shuli who joked that he's had problems like Cabbie has and said that people talk to him through his mail. Howard took another call from a listener who talked about some of the other wacky things that Cabbie has done in his life. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Cabbie that he really should get some help. Cabbie thought that Mariann was a fake because it sounded like an impersonator to him. He thought that everyone was a fake, even Double A didn't sound like the right guy to Cabbie. Cabbie thinks that people are messing with his head.
Robin wanted to know what Cabbie was talking about with his bowling shoes. He seems to think that someone changed the inserts. Howard tried to tell Cabbie how crazy he was sounding talking about how everyone in his life have been changed with other people. Cabbie said he's asked personal friends questions that only they should know and they weren't able to answer them correctly. Even his real mother wasn't able to tell him what date he was born on. Cabbie started to break down crying and said that he knows he needs help. He's not so delusional that he doesn't know what's going on, he just wants it to stop. Someone applauded him after he broke down crying but Cabbie doesn't find it funny. He was crying and ended up hanging up. Artie said he doesn't think he needs a mental hospital, he needs an acting class.
Tom said that if someone goes out and finds Cabbie, he probably won't come out of his apartment. Howard said that the funny thing is that Cabbie is the hottest guy on the radio station at this point. Howard said they need to find someone to commit Cabbie to the mental hospital but they don't have family there who can do that. Howard feels like Cabbie is in real trouble and he doesn't know what to do. Tom said that he's going to try and get his biological mother to come out and help them out with this stuff. Robin thought that she wouldn't be able to get him committed but Howard reminded her that Cabbie was adopted back by her not too long ago. She'd given him up for adoption as a kid but adopted him back after being reunited with him.
Tom said he got a phone call from Cabbie last night at about 9:30 but his wife answered the phone and she didn't know who ''Lee'' was. When she didn't know who he was, he hung up on her saying that he must have called the wrong person. Artie said that he offered to drive Cabbie to the hospital but Cabbie ends up hanging up on him. A cop called in and told Howard that if Cabbie is in danger of harming himself, they may be able to call the cops and have them intervene. In New Jersey they can do that but they're not sure what the New York laws are. Tom said he would call the Staten Island police to find out if there's anything they can do. Howard had to take a break after that.
Gary came in and told Howard that Cabbie was on the line again but Howard doesn't know what else he can do. Howard was going to put him on the line but he had hung up by that point. He played a bit that someone put together where they took clips from songs where they talk about people being out of their minds and stuff. Gary and Howard said that they really don't know what to do to get this guy some help. Cabbie was back on the line a short time later. Howard told Cabbie that he was going to get on with his show and let him go. Cabbie had some information about CBS being fraudulent. He said that he was holding pay stubs with the name Anthony A. Mroszak in his hand and that's not his name. Howard cut him off and told him that he doesn't know what to do in these situations. He's the wrong guy to ask about helping him so that's why Tom has decided to call someone that is going to help him out. Howard told Cabbie that he's thinking about putting cameras in his home now because this is great stuff but Cabbie doesn't find this stuff to be funny. Cabbie was starting to ramble again but Howard really had to get him off the phone. Cabbie hung up on him before he could say anything else. Howard said that help is on the way to Cabbie and hopefully things will work out for him.
Howard said they're going to miss him around there because he's like the most normal guy there. He corrected himself and said that's probably not true, but he's not all that crazy. Howard went on to talk about how he had to take some pills to get to sleep last night because he's had a lot of stuff on his mind. He said there's a lot of personal stuff going on in his life and he can't fall asleep because of it. He said he took a couple of pills to get to sleep. Robin said that her nephew has a fear of flying and one Ambien was all it took to calm him down. He was ready to walk off the plane he was on until she made him take that pill.
Howard read a story about a guy who was convicted of manslaughter after a kid he was counseling at a juvenile boot camp. Howard said that's the kind of thing that happens when you send your kid off to be raised by other people. Howard and the guys talked about that for a short time. They were goofing on the fact that the guy who was convicted was a Buffalo Soldier reenactor. Howard was also talking about how some parents just can't say ''no'' to their kids and the kids go bad. That's when they send them to one of these boot camps. Howard said they shouldn't even be allowed to sue this guy for killing their kid because they should have done that stuff themselves. Howard had to take another break shortly after that.
Howard said that Gary told him about a story where they used to do ''rebirthing'' for adopted kids so that they'd be closer to their adoptive parents. One seven year old kid was wrapped up in a blanket and smothered while they were trying to do one of these rebirthings.
Howard talked about this report he saw about Google and how great it is to work there. There are people who work there who are worth millions or more. He said the funny thing is that they pretend to be poor for some reason. The guys who started the web site still drive around in ratty cars and pretend that they don't have billions. He said it's like the more you can act like you haven't made it, the better you are. Howard said there's no point to that then because they can't use their money. Howard said that he doesn't use Google, he always uses Yahoo. Artie said someone punched his name into a search engine and it was the most depressing thing he's ever seen. Howard uses Yahoo as the default search engine on his computer and he's been using it for years.
Howard said that her breasts were something that gave her husband pleasure and she went and had them removed. He said that she should have told him that she was having them reduced for medical reasons, he may have understood if she'd done it that way. She did it just to spite him and it didn't work out. Howard said things backfired on her test. Janice said she knew that he was only into her for her breasts because when they split up, he went for a blond bimbo who had big breasts. Howard said he probably went with her because she wasn't going to test him to find out if he loved her just for her breasts. Howard said that guys don't want to be tested. Janice believes that he should have loved her for who she was, not for what she had on her chest. Artie said that's who she was though.
Janice told the guys that her breasts were eventually going to sag and look bad and her husband probably wouldn't have loved her anyway. She said she's now got perky little AA cup breasts. Howard said it's a horrible story and her husband was attracted to her until she decided to test him. Once again he told her that if she'd said that she had breast cancer, he probably would have stayed with her. A listener called in and told Janice that he was happy that the guy dumped her because of what she did. Another caller said that maybe she could have asked the guy if he would be okay with a reduction before going out and having it done. Another guy said that breasts are not the only thing out there, he'd even be willing to go out with this woman. Howard tried to hook them up but Janice just laughed when she heard the guy's name was ''Bob.'' Howard moved on and took some more calls. One caller thought Howard was coming down a little hard on this woman. Howard said he has to be hard on her. There were mixed views coming from the callers. One guy wondered if Janice would leave him if he was into her small breasts.
Howard was fed up with the whole conversation so he let Janice go. Artie shared a story about going to see this woman Busty Heart at Frank's Chicken House in New Jersey. She had Triple M breasts and she seemed perfectly happy. Howard also remembered seeing a woman who had huge breasts at some place he went to. That led to Howard talking about using LSD and how crazy he felt while he was high on that stuff. He told the guys about going to see 2001 A Space Odyssey and dropping acid during that. He missed the movie because he was staring at the ceiling because it looked like it was dripping on the audience. He's never had good experiences while using drugs. He said that he hated all of them. He said that the best thing to be is an alcoholic. It's more predictable.
Howard said he feels sorry for the boyfriend of this model, Petra Nemcova, who survived the tsunami. Howard was checking out some pictures of this model and how hot she was and all he could think about was how the boyfriend died.
Howard read a phony news story from DatelineHollywood.com about how the FCC has fined Howard for a conversation he had in his bedroom. The article was pretty funny. Robin told Howard that she was watching the news last night and saw a picture of him flash on the screen. She said they were promoting it as if Howard had been kicked off the air by using another ''S-word'' which turned out to be ''Sirius.'' Howard read through some more of the phony article and gave the web site a plug.
Robin thought that they weren't going to be coming back to work this morning when she first saw that news report last night. Howard said that's what he's been warning people about for months. He talked about what Citadel has done with his show and how they're saying that they're taking him off the air because he talks about satellite radio, but they put Opie and Anthony on to replace him, and they're on satellite radio. Howard had to take another break so he could move on to Mr. Skin.
Howard let Cabbie go and played the Top 5 Songs since he hasn't done that in a while. He first played the Ashlee Simpson Orange Bowl performance to goof on that a little more. He played the Top 5 songs after that, throwing in a couple of song parodies as well. He played quick clips from Destiny's Child who came in at number 5 with ''Soldier.'' Fred's ''Imus Dead Or Alive'' was one parody he played. Number 4 was Lovers and Friends'' by Little John. Snoop Dogg came in at number three with ''Drop it Like It's Hot.'' That led to Howard talking about how Snoop has a new grill coming out. Howard was talking about how much he likes his George Foreman grills and that he bought a George Foreman Rotisserie grill but it was falling apart after it's first use. Howard played a couple more song parodies and Missy Elliot's number 2 song. He played the number one song from some guy named Mario who sounded just like Usher. Artie said that the number one song was unlistenable. Howard threw in a few song parodies like the ''Mexican Crap Dance,'' ''Duquilla'' and ''Uptight Jew'' before moving on to other stuff.
A caller told Howard that he's been wrong about a lot of stuff over the past few days. He brought up the conversation Howard had with Gary yesterday about doing stuff with his kids. The caller said that Gary is doing the right thing by making sacrifices for his kid. Howard said you do have to do that but you don't have to do everything your kids want to do, like sleeping in a metal hammock on a battleship with 500 screaming kids like Gary is going to do. Gary came in and said that he's doing it because his kids want to and that's fine. Howard said that's fine but he doesn't have to complain about it. The two of them went back and forth just like they did yesterday. The caller told Howard he was also wrong about that model's boyfriend he was talking about earlier. He said that's not the worst story of the tsunami. It had to be the story about the woman who had to let one of her kids go. Howard told the guy that both of those kids lived but the model's boyfriend didn't. He let the guy go after that and moved on to Mr. Skin.
Howard talked about Richard Christy and how creepy he is when it comes to stuff like this. He said he was talking to him about the women that he looks up. Richard came in and said that he used to fantasize about Barbara Hershey but the nude scenes don't hold up all that well. Kelly Preston did a nude scene back in 1985 and that scene holds up according to Mr. Skin and Richard. Mr. Skin went on to tell the guys about the full screen version of the movie where they show her bush. Mr. Skin doesn't do this for the porn factor, he just enjoys seeing these famous women nude.
Mr. Skin was telling Howard about some of the women they have on the web site and that got him more interested in it. He said he would be interested in seeing some of the women he was mentioning but he would never think of it himself. Howard and the guys brought up this book that Mr. Skin has out called ''Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia : The A-to-Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked.'' He dedicated it to his 8 month old daughter and said that he can't wait for her to get old enough to find out what he does for a living. Howard read through some of the top 10 lists that are in this book. He has lists of great nude scenes in movies and which ones are worth checking out. The first list was a list of 18 year old women who were nude in certain movies. There was also a list of PG movies where they showed nudity.
Sal the Stockbroker came in and played a game where he gave a list of women and asked the guys if they were naked. Mr. Skin helped out on the game and here are some of the names that Sal gave:
Howard read another top 10 list of women that Mr. Skin can't believe got naked. Sandra Bullock, Olympia Dukakis, Liza Minelli, and Julie Andrews were on that list. Mr. Skin said that Lindsay Wagner was also naked years ago and that one freaked him out. He said her breasts were kind of funky looking back then and she's not that hot.
A phone caller asked Mr. Skin if Tiffany Thiessen was ever nude in a movie. Mr. Skin said that she hasn't done anything nude. Howard said that Gary is always on MrSkin.com so he came in and told them about the stuff he's looked up lately. He checked the whole list of cast members from ''Lost.'' He was really looking forward to seeing Evangeline Lilly naked but they had nothing. He sounded like he was turned on by the swimming scene she was in on last night's ''Lost.'' Mr. Skin told the guys that they have freeze frames of some rare moments when people like Julia Roberts showed a quick breast shot. Gary said there's a great movie where Molly Ringwald is topless and she looks amazing in that. They had those shots up on Howard's TV screen so he could check them out. She looked pretty good according to Howard.
Howard let a few more phone callers through after that. One guy said that he wants to see Jennifer Garner naked but Mr. Skin said that she really hasn't done that many movies to be nude in. She's been in bra and panties on ''Alias'' but that's about it. Mr. Skin said that Nikki Cox is one of those actresses that people want to see. Another caller asked Mr. Skin if Dolly Parton has ever done anything nude. Mr. Skin said she hasn't done anything nude but she has done stuff in lingerie. Another caller asked about Sharon Lawrence. She's only done a butt scene on ''NYPD Blue.'' Howard ended up giving one phone caller a prize he had to give away just because he called in. Howard gave Mr. Skin a plug for his book and his web site MrSkin.com as he was wrapping up the segment. Mr. Skin said that a 3 day membership to the site is $4.95 and a monthly charge is $29.95. Howard took a couple more phone calls before ending the interview. One guy asked if Wheezie Jefferson ever got naked. Luckily that never happened. Mr. Skin did say that he has a list of women that never should have gotten naked, like an 84 year old Jessica Tandy showing full nudity in one movie. Howard thanked Mr. Skin for the work he does and wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard brought up the story that Beth told him about the conductor on her train just standing and staring at her for a few minutes as they were traveling. Howard said that she should be able to take a train ride without freaks like that freaking her out. Howard changed subjects and said that he has a mirror in his bathroom at the studio and sometimes he looks in there and sees himself looking like he's the size of a baby down there. Sometimes he's semi-aroused and thinks that he looks okay though. He said he was kind of aroused as he was talking about this stuff so he wouldn't feel so bad about whipping it out and showing it to Robin. Howard let Chaunce go a short time later. Chaunce had his interview with Beth coming up in a few minutes so he had to get going anyway.
Howard started off the show trying to wake himself up. He mentioned that Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) would be coming in today. Artie said he's looking forward to that. Howard wasn't sure if he'd be walking around himself or if he'd be driving around in a cart like the one he has on ''The Surreal Life.''
Howard said there was a lot of stuff going on in the news about his move to Sirius. He didn't say the word ''Sirius'' because he's trying not to offend anyone by talking about it. He said that the fans in the markets where he was just taken off by Citadel Communications are pissed and he's hoping that the situation will entice people to follow him over there. Howard was also talking about a warning e-mail he got yesterday about how he has to fill out some test for the company that tells the employees what they can and can't say on the air. He said he never should have given out his e-mail to Tom and Joel Hollender because he gave it out as a friendly thing and now they're using it to harass him. Gary came in and said that he and Jason took the test yesterday and you don't even have to read the questions, you can figure out the answers by just picking out the worst answer possible in the multiple choice answers. Gary said that Tom was riding him about taking the test so that's why he took it. Howard told him that he should have just said that they don't take tests. Howard said that he doesn't have anything in his contract that says he has to take a test. Howard said that he doesn't understand what that's supposed to teach him but Tom says that it will help him understand what the FCC wants. Howard said that it's a ''no dice'' situation and he's not going to take that test because they're going to use it against him in the future when they get fined.
Jason came in and said that he learned nothing from that test because the answer to all of the questions about what the FCC can fine you for is always ''yes, maybe.'' Howard asked Tom if he should be bleeped for saying ''Oh FFFFF.'' Tom said ''No'' but Howard said he read the notes on what they were bleeped for the other day and Cabbie was bleeped for saying that. Tom said it was something else that he was bleeped for but Howard corrected him and said that Dead Air Dave wrote a note to him saying that he bleeped him because he thought he was going to say it. Howard told his fellow employees not to take that test because there's no reason to. Gary asked Tom what would have happened to him if he didn't take that test. Tom said that he would have had more heat on him but he never said that he would have fired him. He said ''maybe'' he would have eventually been fired. Gary told Howard that they had a question on the quiz about that same thing that Howard was talking about and they basically say that they should hit the delay on anything they think could possibly be fined for.
Howard said that he heard Dead Air Dave on Sirius the other day and he wondered if anyone knew about that. Gary said that the company is trying to phase that out but there are people who work at their station and at Sirius. Howard said that he read an article about how the whole radio industry is talking about him making his move to Sirius. Gary also mentioned that he saw that the head of XM was trying to answer a question about missing out on signing Howard to work for them and he could tell that he was bothered that they didn't get him. Howard said that guy Hugh was a nice guy and he was over at his apartment trying to sign him. Things didn't work out though. He said that those guys were meeting with him trying to convince him to come over to their company but Sirius came to him, showed him the deal they had and he took it, simple as that.
Artie said that it was obvious that Tom was pissed that Howard was telling everyone not to take that test. Howard said there really isn't a reason to take it and it's only going to be used as ammo in the future. Artie said that it would really be a problem if that bill gets passed that could mean fines for individual broadcasters. Howard said that if that bill passes, they're not going to say a word. Howard's 20 year anniversary with Infinity is coming up this November 19th. He said that he was thinking about how he's still relevant in the industry 20 years after being on the same station for that long. That's pretty impressive. Gary wondered if anyone is following around Rick Dees when he goes on vacation. Probably not, but they are following Howard around.
Howard said he's going to come up with a test for Tom Chiusano about throwing a company Christmas party. They didn't throw one this past December so he would ask him about when the party should be thrown, before Christmas, after Christmas, 4 months after Christmas or every 4 years. Howard took a phone call from a guy who warned Howard and his guys not to take that test because Howard is right, they can use it as ammo in the future and say that they were trained in all of this stuff. The guy also asked Howard not to take Tom along with him to Sirius when he makes the move because he's a cancer and doesn't know what to do in situations like this. Howard said that the guy may be right.
Howard has been told that if he gets fined by the FCC he may be suspended or fired and will have to take ''sensitivity training.'' Howard said he never agreed to the terms of this consent decree with the FCC and that's just not right. Robin told Howard that Tom tried to get her to take that quiz by using the sympathy thing. He apparently told her that it would help him out if he took it. Howard said that this whole thing is going to be the death of the industry because they're bowing down to the FCC without putting up a fight.
Chaunce Hayden called in and told Howard that in about 18 months the new satellite radios will be able to display video. Howard said that was the big announcement that they made this week. Howard said you can't watch TV in your car but your kids can. Chaunce also said that you can watch it at home. Howard said that's what this whole thing is about. They're going to be creating new jobs and giving people ways to be creative. Chaunce mentioned something about Tom and his quiz so Tom came in and said that he didn't want to hear him talking about him.
Chaunce said that he learned quite a bit about Howard when he interviewed Beth O. He claims to have learned something that he couldn't talk about so it was killing him. Howard said it was in the news so it wasn't a big secret. It turns out that Dominic Barbara and his second wife, Leslie, have separated. He was only with her for a couple of years and now he's running around with some other broad. Dominic seems to think that he's a big stud now that he's lost weight. Howard said that he's told Dominic to stop marrying women if he's going to be going out with other women. He feels bad for Leslie.
Gary pointed out something that Chaunce wrote about Howard and Beth and a ''Pack'' they have together. Gary said that it's actually a ''Pact'' not a pack. Howard had to take a break after that but kept Chaunce on hold so he could talk to him more about Beth after the break.
Howard said that this woman from GodHatesFags.com would be calling in later to talk about what they've been saying about how God is getting back at the Swedes with that tsunami.
Howard told Robin that she owes the guys some money because she made a bet with them that Dominic Barbara would still be married two years from July 29th. Howard read from the notes and said that Robin took bets from him, Fred and Gary so she owes like $1500. Howard said he'd get the tape to make sure that's actually what happened.
Chaunce asked Howard about the diamond ring that Howard bought for Beth for Christmas. Howard wouldn't say how much it cost but did say that it was an old ring. She also got some earrings that were pretty nice. Howard swears that the ring is not an engagement ring. Howard thought he had talked about all of this stuff on the air but everyone said that he hadn't. Robin read that Beth was talking about adopting an asian baby if she decides she wants a kid. Howard said that he's not going to have kids though. Chaunce said that Beth's family is pressuring her to have a kid and she may, eventually, adopt an Asian kid.
Robin said that there was a mention about Beth not wanting to cheat with Ralph if she caught Howard cheating at some point. Chaunce didn't get that but Howard said he has discussed Anna Benson saying that she would bang the whole Mets baseball team if she caught her husband cheating on her. Beth was saying that she wouldn't do it with someone like Ralph from Howard's staff. Beth apparently told Chaunce that she doesn't want to do Playboy unless she gets paid a lot of money for it. Beth told Chaunce that she eats a box of chocolate every day. She also eats a can of Pringles every day. Howard said that she was complaining about how sick she was feeling yesterday after eating a whole can. Beth sounds kind of insecure and always talks about how ugly she is. Howard said he always tells her that he loves her no matter how she looks though.
Robin read the one word association that Chaunce did with Beth. Here's how she responded to the following names:
Beth called in a short time later. She told Artie that she was thinking of him as a big teddy bear so that's where the ''Fuzzy'' came from. She also said that she loves Howard's honesty and that was the first word that came to her mind. She also talked about their TV watching and how Howard really does control what they watch, but she doesn't really mind that. She enjoys being with him. Beth went on to talk about how she never claimed that she wanted to adopt an asian baby. She said that Chaunce brought it up because he and his girlfriend have talked about that. He's been engaged for 10 years and that's what they've talked about. Beth said she kind of agreed with that kind of adoption but she never said she would want to do that. Howard said that the engagement thing is weird because Chaunce has been messing around with other women over the past 10 years. Chaunce said that he never had sex with other women and the stuff he did on his radio show was just ''theater.''
Beth thinks that Chaunce is a good interviewer but he's very manipulative when he interviews. Double A called in during that conversation and asked Beth what word she'd use to describe him. She said ''Adorable.'' Howard let Double A go and Beth corrected Chaunce on another thing he'd said. He claimed that she wanted a million dollars to do a Playboy layout but she would actually want a million for herself and a million to go to the North Shore Animal League. Howard let Beth off the line a short time later. He went on to talk about how she was trying on dresses for him last night and she has one that's see-through and she's thinking about when she's going to wear it. She doesn't have anything planned at this point. Howard had to take another break after that. You can see Beth on the cover of Steppin Out magazine next week.
Howard said that Shirley is one of the wacko religious freaks out there. He told her that he has a cousin who is gay and he's in a very loving relationship. Shirley thinks that if Howard doesn't condemn stuff like that, his soul is lost. Howard said if that's the case then so be it. Gary came in and asked Shirley if the poor little kids who have gotten molested over in Thailand is an innocent victim or not. She wouldn't answer his question directly and would just talk about the people who might have molested that kid being the victims in that disaster.
Howard asked Shirley and another caller why God didn't take care of Hitler when he was in power. Shirley said that God put him there to take care of ''those people'' and he did take care of Hitler. Howard had to end the conversation a short time later because he can only take so much of her. Howard wrapped up after telling Shirley that he thinks that her father is the reason that she acts this way. Her father was very harsh on her and she had to follow his ways and was bullied into this position where she has to bash gay people. He believes that she's very miserable and she's lost. Shirley said that she is very happy in her life and her little church is at war with just about the whole world. Howard said that tells us something about their little church. He also said that half of her kids are going to reject her eventually. He said he hopes that one of them grows up to be a stripper. She said that none of them are going to grow up like that. He also said that he hopes that one of her sons grows up to be gay as well. Shirley doesn't believe that would ever happen either. Shirley was starting to quote bible verses so Howard cut her off and tried to end the interview but Shirley got in a bunch of plugs for all of the web sites they run including:
Howard jokingly told her that he owns GodHatesShirley.com (MarksFriggin now owns it) and wrapped up the interview a short time after that.Howard read some mail about Crazy Cabbie's odd behavior lately and how people are worried about the safety of the Stern show staff. A psychologist suggested that they hire a real security guard instead of Ronnie the Limo Driver to protect them. Another e-mailer complained about Howard playing the Lindsay Lohan song from the Ellen Degeneres show because it was stuck in his head. Howard replayed the awful performance and then played Ashlee Simpson's horrible performance from the Orange Bowl where she got booed at the end. Howard said he saw it and she was standing there waiting to get praise but everyone just booed her. He also mentioned that he's a fan of Kelly Clarkson's and he knows that she can really sing because she had to go through the process on American Idol.
Howard read an e-mail about the Intern Beauty Pageant which aired on E! earlier this week. Someone complained that the show was good but the shots of the girls were ruined because Gary wasn't wearing his bee keeper mask. Howard said that Gary just refuses to wear it, that's why he wasn't wearing it that day. Gary came in a short time later to give Howard a CD. Fred played the Star Wars theme songs that they have with people singing ''Baba Booey'' to. Howard said that there are arguments going on there at the station about what they can and can't bring over to ''the new place.'' Those Baba Booey songs can be brought because they weren't made there. Someone had mentioned that Artie was actually a pretty good singer so Howard replayed the bit he did with his mother on the big Christmas Special show last month. That led to Howard playing the song that Daniel Carver and Robin performed together on the Christmas special.
Artie said that Sal the Stockbroker is a weird guy. He asked him for a copy of that song so he could play it for his family. Sal gave him a CD with an edited picture that made it look like he was pleasuring himself. He wondered where Sal thought he was going to play that CD because he couldn't show it to his family. Howard ended up playing a few more clips from the Christmas Special. He played a bit that Artie did with Gary the Retard. Howard thought that bit was kind of brutal.
Captain Janks called in with a top 10 list of the ugliest women of 2004. Here's the list:
Zolar is a janitor but he's also Andrea's (Miss Howard Stern) agent. He tried to wake her up to put her on the phone but she refused to speak. Zolar said she was up partying last night and didn't want to get up. Zolar got a little more intense and yelled at her to get up. He said that he was going to beat her if she didn't get up but he was only kidding. She ended up kicking him when he tried to put her on the phone again. Taylor Rain got on again but Howard had to go because Verne Troyer was there. Howard asked Taylor to put the phone to Andrea's ear but she kept pushing them away and said she didn't want to talk. Howard talked to her but she didn't answer. Howard let them go a short time later so he could take a break.
Howard has heard many rumors about Verne going to the Playboy mansion and getting some of the Playmates. Verne didn't want to talk about who he's had though. Howard wondered if Verne was married or something because he didn't want to talk about it. Verne said he's not married and some of the rumors he's heard are just not true. Howard said that he would brag about banging Playboy models. Mark said that it's not just one at a time that Verne has had either. Verne told Mark he was going to kick his ass. Mark held up 3 fingers when Howard asked how many chicks he's had at once. Verne said that it was 3 or 4 and there was another guy with him that night. He said the guy didn't do them at the same time though.
Howard heard that Verne isn't all that big ''down below'' but he thinks that he's probably bigger than him. Verne asked Howard if he knows what a baby's arm looks like, that's what he's got. Robin asked Verne if it was true that he had gone into rehab for his drinking. Verne said those were just stories. Mark said that Verne has the life of a rock star.
Howard asked Verne how big he was when he was born. He said he was 5 pounds and his father kind of knew that something was up because of his proportions when he was born. Howard wondered if he gets pissed that the rest of the people in his town were average size. Verne said that the people there treated him pretty normal. He was homecoming king in high school. He also said that he did have some sexual encounters when he was in school back then. He didn't want to give any details on that though. Howard figures that the quality of chicks must have shot up after being in Austin Powers. He also wondered if he got paid well for doing Austin Powers. Verne said that he's not a millionaire. Mike Myers hasn't called him in quite a while but he didn't want to say anything bad about him. Howard thinks that he got paid more for doing ''The Surreal Life'' than he did for those Austin Powers movies.
Howard asked Verne why the word ''midget'' is like the N-word to them. Verne said that the word Dwarf is the correct one for them and he didn't want to get into it with him. He seemed to be getting kind of upset but Mark asked him to explain it to people who don't get it. Verne said that midget is a derogatory word for little people and it really is like the N-word for them. Robin asked Verne how he got into show business. Verne said he started out as a stunt man. He was a stunt man for a 9 month old baby in one movie. He eventually moved out to Hollywood to get more work. He now has a manger who is a little person and her husband, another little person, is his best friend.
Mark said that Verne has quite a rap when it comes to talking to women. Verne said that he knows what they want and it's him. Howard asked Verne if he gets pissed when people call him Mini-Me. Verne said that he does get upset and just corrects people, telling them that his name is Verne. Howard said that he could make a ton of dough if he just let cameras follow him around 24 hours a day. Howard heard that people will walk down the street and just pick Verne up. Verne said that's not true but it does piss him off when people pat him on the head when they meet him.
Howard wanted to know more about Verne's engagement to a 6'2'' tall model but Verne has a gag order and isn't allowed to talk about it. Howard took a call from Ralph who told a story about his buddy Hunter who used to hang out with Verne. One night he got drunk and passed out so Hunter was carrying him around like a baby. Ralph also asked Verne if his house is made small for him. He said that his furniture is lower and he does have a shower head at his level but also has one at the regular height for a woman so they can both be in the shower at the same time. Howard wondered how Verne uses a bathroom when he's in a public place. Verne didn't want to get into that but did say that he uses a regular toilet. Howard wondered how he gets up there because they're so tall. Gary told Howard that Verne did go before he came in the studio and they weren't sure how that worked. Verne didn't say exactly how he got up there but he did bring in some stuff to clean off the toilet.
A phone caller said that there's no way that Verne gets chicks. Howard said that there is proof that he gets hot chicks and he doesn't know what he's talking about. The caller was telling Verne that he's a freak and he has to realize that. Howard wondered why the guy had to be so mean. The delay ended up getting hit because of something Verne said. Howard took a few more calls after that. One guy said he saw Verne out in Michigan one time and he was really drunk and picking fights with people. Bong Hit Eric called in and asked Verne if he smokes weed. Verne claims that he doesn't but the guys couldn't believe that. He said he's tried it but doesn't like it. Verne said he's tried other drugs but didn't like them either so he sticks to alcohol.
Verne told Howard about a movie he just did on A&E called ''Carol's Christmas'' and he played Death in that. He's also working on a new show based on him with Mark Cronin. He's got a couple of movies in the works but said that they're kind of dopey movies. Verne talked a little more about ''The Surreal Life'' and how he really hated it in the beginning. He was ready to pick a fight with Chyna Doll (Joanie Laurer) but by the end of it he'd had fun. Howard wanted to know if he nailed Da Brat on that show. Verne said he didn't so Howard wondered if he's ever had a black chick. Verne eventually said that he has done a black chick before. A short woman called in and asked Verne what his favorite sexual position was. Verne said that any position is good. Howard figured it would be doggy style. Verne said he likes having the woman on top. The delay was hit multiple times when Artie said some stuff and when Verne was talking about his sex positions.
Verne told Howard that he went to college for a while but it was just a community college. He didn't graduate. Verne shared some stories about jobs he's had in the past. He worked for the phone company and wrapped candy among a couple of other things. Howard gave Verne and Mark a plug for ''The Surreal Life'' which starts it's new season this Sunday night at 9pm on VH1. Howard said that he gave Mark his start in the business and now he's producing a bunch of shows including Dodgeball on GSN. The previous season of The Surreal Life is also available on DVD as well so Howard gave Mark a plug for that before going to commercial break.
Miss Howard Stern called in but Zolar was on the phone first. He had to apologize for saying that he was Miss Howard Stern's agent because she wants a real agent. Andrea got on the phone and said that Zotard (Zolar) made her look like a fool when he called in earlier. She said she's out in Vegas for the AVN (Adult Video News) awards just signing autographs but she's not getting into porn or anything. Howard let her go so he could get back to Mike within a short time.
Howard gave Mike some plugs for his stuff and then moved on to the game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
A phone caller from Boca Raton, Florida told Howard that his show is getting chopped up like crazy and today is the last day for his show down there. Howard said that it's Beasley Broadcast Group that's taking him off down there. Howard it just shows that those people are upset that he's making the move to satellite.
Debbie Schlussel called in and told Howard about some Richard Gere hanging out with terrorists information that you can read about at her web site DebbieDoesPolitics.com. That led to Howard talking about how Richard Gere is just a big dummy and he doesn't know what he's doing. No one is looking for him these days so he's looking for attention. Debbie said she's sick of these celebrities hanging out with terrorists thinking that they've got nothing to do with terrorism.
Melrose Larry Green called in and said that his entire condo is upset about what's going on with his show down there. He tried to put some strangers on the phone with Howard so he just hung up on him. Howard thinks that the people are probably more upset that Melrose lives in their building than they are about him being taken off the air. Howard had Robin finish up her news after that. They ended the show around 10:20 this morning.