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Mac and Bumble
Howard was wolfing down his breakfast as the show was started. He said that he was up at 3 in the morning thinking about how great it would be to have his breakfast when he got to work and then he has to come in and wolf it down. He has to eat it as soon as it gets there or it'll get cold. When he took his first bite he found a hair in the food. He stopped eating but Gary told him to just go for it so he went ahead and ate it. Artie said that sometimes stops him from eating for a full day! He said that finding a hair in eggs is really gross. Howard was also complaining that the eggs were a little loose as well. Gary thought that the ''hair'' might be a plastic shaving from the container the eggs were in. Howard said his stomach hurt because he had to wolf it down so fast. He was also complaining about Gary spending so much time talking to him before the show. The two of them argued a little bit but Howard doesn't want Gary commenting on the way he eats. He asked Gary to leave a short time later.
Howard and Robin read some of the stories about the affairs that Kerik was apparently having. He had two different women at the same time and they found out about each other. Howard feels bad for Kerik because he was a nice guy. Howard said he actually had dinner with Bernie and Judith one time and they were wondering if something was going on between them at the time. Robin said she's met Bernie and she didn't find anything that interesting about him at the time. She said he speaks in a monotone and never smiles. Howard said the whole thing saddens him because the guy was always nice to him. It would have been nice to have a friend in the Homeland Security position as well.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he doesn't like this Bernard Kerik or Rudolph Giuliani because they're both cheaters. He and Howard went over that for a few seconds but Howard had to bail out on the call because the guy was going nowhere. Howard had to take a commercial break a short time later.
Howard and Beth were reading some stuff in the paper over the weekend and Beth told him that he was listed as ''Loser of the Week.'' Howard said that they were wrong for calling him a loser for not getting out of his current contract with Infinity. Howard said that he wasn't asking to get out of his contract and the company can make about $100 million for them over the next year. Howard said he's not ready to go to satellite yet, he's still putting stuff together for that place and he doesn't want out of his contract with Infinity.
Howard said that Gary took his family over to Sirius over the weekend to show them around. He said that they got such a cool vibe over there because they had people coming up and thanking him because they're going to be moving over there. Howard said that the company he works for now generates $100 million a year so they've generated billions for them. They actually have pictures of Howard hanging up over at Sirius but they have none at Infinity and he's been working there for 20 years now. Howard also said that CBS puts out a newsletter every month and they never put him on the cover when he gets ratings that put him in number one place. He said that Tom has a picture of Mel hanging in his office and not a picture of him. Tom came in a short time later and said that he does have a picture of Howard in his office. Tom told Howard they have announcements that say that they're from the Howard Stern Building and most of the sales people have pictures of Howard hanging up in their offices. Tom also said that they don't have pictures of anyone in their lobby so it's not just Howard. Robin said that even NBC had a picture of Howard hanging up along with their other deejays.
Howard was listening to some stuff on Sirius over the weekend and they throw around the cursing a bit too much sometimes. He said that it all depends on how the words are used. He said that sometimes they just use it for no good reason but sometimes it's really funny. He talked about how funny Eminem was on his channel on Sirius when he started screaming about how much freedom he's got on that service. Chaunce told Howard that Katie Couric really hit the wall and she looked really bad at the concert the other night. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about her and about how bad Oprah Winfrey looks with no makeup on. Howard said she looks like a man without the makeup on and you almost expect to see whiskers on her face.
Chaunce brought up this guy Elvis Duran from Z100 and how he's looking pretty fat and creepy standing back stage shaking the hands of 11 year old girls. Howard was talking about how shocking it is to see people who are on radio sometimes. He said he used to listen to Jim Kerry on WPLJ and thought he was really smooth at what he did but then he saw what he looked like and it was shocking. He said the guy looked ''barely human.'' Artie remembered when he and his father first saw Howard when he was at WNBC and how shocking that was. That led to Howard talking about the time he shot a commercial for WNBC with Don Imus. They were saying that both Imus and Howard were ''coming back to New York'' at the time but Howard said no one knew who he was at the time so they wouldn't know that he was coming back to the City. They also made posters featuring his ''characters'' because they thought it was best to show the characters he does. Howard said he doesn't remember a lot of things that went on back then but he remembers the photo shoots and stuff.
Chaunce told Howard to check out the cover of Steppin' Out magazine this week because they have a picture of one of the chicks from The Price Is Right, Gabrielle Tuite, and she's really hot. She apparently said some weird stuff about The Price is Right and what goes on behind the scenes. Howard let Chaunce go after that and took another break.
Howard got back to the discussion they were having earlier about the WNBC days. Gary told a story about a woman who used to listen to Howard before she knew what he looked like. When she finally saw him for the first time, she wasn't able to listen for three years after she saw him because she was so let down by what he looked like. She also said that he wasn't himself at the event where she saw him. Howard said he was at a Jai Ali game and he was miserable because it was so boring.
Howard did a 2 hour interview over the weekend for USA Today and he's supposed to have some pictures taken for that. Howard said he just wanted to sell some radios in the article but the guy got into everything from his divorce to everything else that's going on. Howard said he wanted to pose with the radios he's trying to sell but the guy wanted him to pose with his dog. He told the guy he just wants to sell those radios and that's the only reason he was doing the interview though. Howard is thinking of doing some other interviews for TV but he's probably going to back out. He said it's painful to go on and just talk about yourself on TV. He was thinking of doing a pre-taped thing for The Today Show or something like that but it just takes up so much time.
Howard said that his friend Ross told Gary that he was walking down the street the other day and saw Robin out on the street with a camera crew. She was handing something out about the diet she was on, The Master Cleanser. Howard said that he once tried that horrible drink that she used to drink and it was horrible. Robin said that diet saved her life. She also said that she was out on the street creating some stuff for her new show so they can push it when they go out to Vegas for the NATPE convention. Howard said they were trying to get people to drink that crap for her show but he doesn't get that. Robin said it was just a bit they were doing and a lot of people actually liked the taste of the drink. Gary came in and said that Robin was taping what her day is like in the halls there at the station. Robin said that they were just getting some extra tape to throw in for the show. They had her talking to her news intern and to Scott the Engineer who she never talks to. That led to the guys asking Robin if she even knows her intern's name. She does know one name, Erica, but not the second intern she has. Robin said they're not even going to use the audio from the tape for the show, they're just going to have the video playing to show her talking with people. Howard and the guys were goofing on Robin about all of that stuff. Howard wondered if Mr. X will be in this show or not. She said he won't but there are some other people in her life that will be interviewed for it.
Howard talked about how drunk he got on Saturday night. He went to this event on Saturday night and had some vodka. He didn't have anything to eat so it was just the booze. After the shot of Vodka he had some wine and got pretty hammered. After the party he went out to walk his dog on the street but he doesn't quite remember if his dog got into a fight or not. Howard also spoke to Uma Thurman but he doesn't remember it. His girlfriend told him that he was talking to her but he barely remembers the conversation. He only remembers seeing her face while he was out on the street. Robin said she might have to have Howard and Artie go into the same rehab program if that's the case.
Robin asked howard what he does when his dog is walking the streets and has a loose movement. Howard said she always has loose movements when he takes her for a walk. Beth tells him that they're always solid for her but she also feeds her scraps all the time. Fred said that's what messes up their movements and you can't keep feeding them that kind of crap.
Howard said they're going to be starting a new contest today that has something to do with the WWE. He started to announce that but then said that he wants to get Judith Regan on the phone to talk about what went on with her and Bernard Kerik. Howard talked about the days when he worked with Judith and how he was started to get caught up in her web back then. Howard interrupted that to talk about the mail they got about Cabbie after his wacky behavior last week. Cabbie was talking about how his TV was talking to him and thought that he was being followed. Some people think that Cabbie is on drugs, some thought that the whole thing was kind of scary when he was on the air with Howard talking about all of that stuff. Howard said that Tom is on top of all of that and Cabbie is getting some help. One guy told Howard that some of the things Cabbie was talking about could be from an XBox video game system. Howard said that could be the explanation for the whole thing.
Howard took some phone calls and on guy managed to get the delay hit. There was no clue as to what was chopped out of the show though. Howard talked to the guy about how he's thinking about writing a book about all of the stuff that's been going on with his career but he's got to figure out when he's got time to do all of this stuff he's doing. He is taking a class over the phone on Mondays where he learns how to organize. Howard read some mail about J.D.'s mugging last week and someone wrote in and complained about Mike Walker's heavy breathing on the air when he calls in. A guy from Radio Shack wrote in and thanked Howard because they're selling a lot of ''something'' (Sirius radios) and the guy works on commission. Robin said she was over at a Radio Shack and they said that the things are flying out the door. There were some other e-mails about the Mr. Gay.com Universe contest they had last week and they didn't like it. There was a correction about the Las Vegas show getting cut off last Friday. They apparently didn't cut it of, they were just starting their morning replay of the show at 6am. Howard had to take a break a short time later.
Al said that he hasn't earned a cent in the past year. Howard wondered how that happened because he used to do so well. Al said he's just not a good businessman. He's got 4 ex-wives and they got millions of dollars from him. He said that he really doesn't have a place to live and he has to sign up for beds in this homeless shelter every day or he'd be living out on the street. Al said he's so bad off that another homeless person gave him $5. There are people who have tried to help him but most of them have abandoned him. Al told Howard that when he loses his satellite gig, he's going to be crying in the corner with no one to help him out. Howard doesn't think that will ever happen though. He's got friends and family who wouldn't abandon him.
Al told the guys about how he has a job at a deli where he sells catering for them. He said that he works at this place New York City Bagels and gave out the phone number for the catering place. He said that he'll even make appearances at places he caters if they want. You can give them a call at (212) 327-0333. Al also said you can send him money through his web site AlGoldsteinMovie.com.
Captain Janks called in and told Al to just get a job. Howard said that the guy is 69 years old and it's not that easy. Al asked Howard to give him a Sirius satellite radio but Janks pointed out that he wouldn't even be able to pay those bills. Howard said he might make Al one of the guys eligible for this $20,000 contest they had coming up. He moved on to that since he brought it up.
Next up was Rhonda who gave some highlights from her life. Her mother left her with her great grandparents. Her brother would beat her up and knives would be involved. She said that her grandmother and grandfather died while she was growing up. Her sister and brother were split up from her. She ended up with her father who would allegedly beat her up. She ended up moving around all over the place and tried to go back with her mother but she hooked her up with a guy who ''got fresh'' with her. She said that her father used to rub on her. Her mother taught her to steal and there were some other things as well. Artie was doing his ''Wah, wah'' stuff with her and goofed on her for being a bad story teller. She said she even lived in her car for a while.
The next woman said she didn't really have a hard luck story, she just wants implants. She's 21 years old and just wanted to get into the contest for the $20,000. Howard said they had one guy in the contest. He told Howard that he's from Sweden and was asked if he wanted to win $20,000. The guy was just in the city for a visit. He knows of Howard from seeing his movie ''Private Parts'' though. Howard spent a minute talking to him about what it's like over in Sweden. Gary wanted to know what contestant number one's story was. Howard kind of skipped over her. Howard let her tell them what her story was. She's 41 years old and had some troubles with the house that she and her boyfriend moved into. The contractor ended up taking $50,000 of their money and ran away with it. Now they have to take their whole house down because of everything that happened. They need the money to fix the place so they can live in it. She invited Al Goldstein to come live at her place if he wanted to. Al said he might just accept that offer. He wants to get off the street.
Artie wrapped up all of the contestants stories by doing his ''Wah, wah'' stuff. He did that for each one and one woman came back with a ''Wah, Jackie was better than me, wah!'' Howard then told the contestants that they would have to be chained to a person for a full week and they'd have to live at his apartment. Howard described the horrible monster and then brought him in... it was High Pitch Erik. Howard told them all how annoying High Pitch is and how they'd be chained to him until Thursday morning, it wasn't a full week like Howard first said. Erik kissed the women hello. Howard wanted all of the people to catch a whiff of him. It sounded like he wasn't all that smelly though. Al Goldstein said that he'd be willing to have sex with Erik for $20,000. Erik didn't want any part of that though.
Howard asked each of the contestants if they'd be willing to go through with this. One woman said she wouldn't be able to take him to class on Friday but Gary said she'd be done by Thursday. Howard had Erik explain what he does on a typical weekend. Erik said he went out and got ''so wasted and drunk'' over the weekend. Gary said that he washes his size 48 underpants in the sink to get the stains out of them. Howard also said that Erik has cat crap all over his apartment. The Swedish guy backed out of the competition and said that there are other people who need the money more than he does. The women and Al were still saying that they were ready to go.
Howard was going to have everyone in the studio vote on who they wanted to be part of the contest. Fred picked number 4 as his first choice. Number 2 was his second choice. Howard said number 4 looked like she was about to barf. Fred thought that she'd hate it the most so that's why he picked her. Artie was next up and said that number 4 would hate it but she probably wouldn't last. He said that number 2 was his choice because she looks good and he'd like to see that. Gary filled in the girls about how they're going to be handcuffed to him when he's going to the bathroom and taking a shower... everything they will be doing together. Erik said that he had plans for the week already. They're going to go to some chinese buffets, some bars to get drunk and parties at his apartment. Robin said that she was going to pick number 2 as her first choice. She thinks that she'll break but she will stay with it to the end. Howard said he was thinking that number 4 would break and leave the contest. Number 2 will probably stick through the whole thing according to Robin. Each of the possible contestants said they were still up for it at this point. Howard said he wanted someone who would not leave the contest, but would break. Howard played the tape of High Pitch remake of the spit whore porn tape so everyone could hear that. Howard was thinking of going with number 4 but she didn't sound all that into it. Number 2 was breaking already so Howard picked her. Doug Goodstein came in and told them how gross Erik's apartment is and how bad he smells as well.
Howard gave all of the other contestants $500 cash courtesy of the movie ''Darkness'' which opens on Christmas day. The people seemed to be happy that they got the money but the woman who needs a contractor asked for anyone out there who wants to help to get in touch with the show. Howard wanted the guys to shackle Terri up to Erik but she was already asking what she'd get if she didn't do it. Howard told her that she'd get nothing, not even the $500. She eventually agreed to do it but she wanted out come Thursday morning. Artie was laughing hysterically as they were handcuffing them together. Gary said they had to get some special handcuffs for Erik because regular ones don't fit him. Terri also looked like she was terrified according to Howard. Gary noticed that Erik had a ton of hair coming out of his ears. Howard said after two minutes Terri looked like she was ready to get out of the contest. She was a pretty hot chick according to the guys.
Terri was complaining and saying that she hopes that they're going to be eating out. Gary told her that it's going to be a lot of McDonalds. Terri was wondering what's going to happen to her plane ticket because she planned on leaving today. Al Goldstein told her to stop complaining and just deal with it. High Pitch asked for a plug. He said that he'd be doing a show January 14th and 15th in Boca Raton at the New York Comedy Club with Rev. Bob Levy. Erik was doing some of his impressions for Terri and she looked like she was ready to bail. Erik tried to calm her down but she was very nervous. It was only 5 minutes in and she looked ready to bail. Howard told her that she could bail at any time but she wouldn't win any money. One of the girls was trying to get in on the contest but Howard said this was the setup and that's that. Howard asked Terri if she wanted out one last time. She said that she was going to go through with it. Gary said that sometimes Erik watches porn and pleasures himself. Terri said that she was going to bail out if that happens but Erik assured her that he was not going to do that. Howard had to take a break a short time after that.
After the break Howard wanted Robin to start her news because he had to get out of there by 10. He said that Terri was cracking already and she looked like she was in shock from the whole thing. Howard said Al Goldstein was back in the green room trying to talk her into going through with the whole thing. Howard was also feeling bad that Al walked out of there with nothing. He said it's kind of sad that the guy used to have millions, now he's living in a homeless shelter.
A listener called in and said that he'd be willing to let Al move into his place if he wanted. He lives down in Baltimore though so Al would have to move. Gary came in and said that Al had already left but he'd get in touch with him. Gary also said that Terri and Erik already had some issues. Terri wants to take a cab back to Erik's place but Erik wants to take the subway. Howard had Gary bring them back in so he could talk to them.
High Pitch said things were going okay for him but Terri didn't want to take the subway because she's claustrophobic. Howard also told him that if he doesn't want to wear deodorant, he doesn't have to. He can just be himself if he wants. Howard said that Terri is hot and she's never going to make it to Thursday. Howard had Erik show her the bleeding gums. Doug from E! told him to show her his feet too. She said that she might back out if he shows her his feet. Erik took off his shoes. She wasn't impressed with his feet. She also said that she has a weak stomach so Howard figures that she's going to puke when she walks in his apartment.
Howard told Terri he'd give her $50 to back out of the contest right then. He didn't think she'd make it until Thursday and the $50 would cover her plane ticket change if she wanted to change it. Howard said he can't wait until they're laying in the same bed tonight. Gary said someone said they look like Shrek and Fiona together. Howard offered Terri the $50 once again but she wanted $500 to back out. She said she could feel herself getting sick and had to think about the $50 offer. Earlier in the show Terri was saying that this whole thing was a sign from God but now she was almost ready to bail out on the contest. Terri eventually told Howard she was going to give it a try and stick with it until Thursday. They were about to walk out until Howard asked her one last time if she wanted the fifty bucks. She said she's probably going to vomit from Erik when he goes to the bathroom. Gary and Doug didn't help out when they told her about how horrible his apartment and bathroom are. Doug said that Erik throws his kitty litter scoop in his shower with poopie on it. Terri still said she was going to give it a try but Howard doesn't think she's going to make it. Robin started her news and Howard ended the show by 9:55 this morning.
Howard started off the show trying to figure out where to begin. He was listening to his opening theme song, ''Great American Nightmare'' and remembered how horrible the day was when he recorded the song with Rob Zombie. He said Rob made him sing in the deep voice that he sang in and said that even Rob was surprised at how bad he sings.
A listener called in and asked Howard why he and Robin always talk over Artie when he's trying to make a joke. He played some tape of an example where Howard talked over Artie during yesterday's show. Howard admits that they do that and he and Robin have talked about it. Howard said even he was curious about what Artie was going to say in that clip that was just played. Artie said he talks over Howard and Robin sometimes but it's not as much. Howard said when he gets a thought, he sometimes just wants to share. He knows that it's rushed sometimes and that will change to allow Artie to get a word in sometimes. The caller also said that Robin will barrel through sometimes and just not let him say stuff. The caller cut Artie off at one point as he was trying to explain why he gets cut off. It's a fast paced show and that's what goes on there. The caller told Howard he can't wait for him to move to ''Eh eee eeee'' which is code for ''Sirius.'' Howard said he was just over there yesterday doing a photo shoot and the pictures may be good if the photographer picks the right pictures. The guy was taking them from underneath him and that's not his best angle. Howard is hoping they blow up the radio he's trying to sell to distract people. The caller wondered how Howard is going to handle the different time zones with the satellite stuff. Howard isn't sure exactly what's going to happen as far as the timing but he thinks Sirius has it worked out. He didn't want to get into the whole thing because of what's going on there at his company. Howard said that he was thinking about getting the word out about Sirius but his move is still a year away. He thought about doing some more interviews to get the word out but it was making everyone crazy. Howard said that there are going to be a large amount of people following him over there so he doesn't have to worry so much about promoting it yet. The caller told Howard that he's already ready to go with his equipment.
Howard brought up this week's Survivor finale and how the runner up, Twila, had a really bad Mullet haircut. He said it was the most heinous hair cut he's ever seen. He doesn't know how she can see it in the mirror and think that it looks good. He said that the haircut is like two different hair cuts and it just looks horrible. Howard and Artie shared their stories about bad haircuts in the past. Artie said he had a mullet years ago and Howard had the big puffy hair for years. Howard spent a few minutes talking about the game and how the winner ended up winning. Howard said the game will always be great because so many people get upset that they were lied to during the game.
Howard talked about some of the stuff they have coming up later on the show. He said that we'll get an update on the Tough Enough contest later on and there should be a good story there. The caller was still on the line so he told Howard it would be a great idea to put his show on at different times of the day because people would be able to listen at different times. Howard agreed and said that if someone is paying for the show, they should be able to hear it whenever they want. Howard said he was thinking of doing the show from different people's houses since there will be so few listeners. Artie said that there are people out in L.A. who look at the show as being their ''friend'' and when it starts at 3 in the morning, they listen. Artie said that's what he did when he was living out there.
Howard got back to the Nick and Jessica thing and goofed on that a little more. Howard said that Jessica seems like she's retarded, for real. Howard also pointed out that the guy who wrote this stuff was former intern on his show. Howard said he knows the guy is smarter than that. Howard played more clips where Nick and Jessica were talking about their set and all of the things they can do like make it snow and stuff like that. Howard told Fred that they need an audience that can ''Oooo'' and ''Ahhh'' for everything they do. Howard pointed out how bad a singer Jessica is as he was playing a clip where she gave Nick a wrapped up dog as a gift. Ashlee Simpson made an appearance on the horrible special. Howard said that Jessica and Nick are trying to be the Sonny and Cher of today. Howard was hoping to be able to pleasure himself during Jessica's singing performance but she wasn't wearing anything sexy so he wasn't able to do it. He said that this is what the FCC is going to turn TV into.
Howard brought up the Scott Peterson trial and how he was sentenced to death. He and the guys think that he'll never actually be put to death even though that's the sentence he got. The guys talked about the case a little bit. Artie was saying that they should kill him with lethal injection because that seems like a peaceful way to go. Howard said he's heard that it's actually pretty brutal and you end up drowning in your own fluids. Howard brought up another case where a guy killed someone but he won't be getting the death penalty. Howard said the guy said that the guy he killed was whining and crying like a bitch when he was killing him and then he ended up crying and whining like a bitch when he found out he was getting life in prison.
Robin brought up Bernard Kerik and how even more stuff just came out about his life. They're now saying that he may have had another wife that people didn't know about and that one marriage overlapped with another one. Howard said he'd back Bernard up in whatever he does.
Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard that they don't have a death penalty in New York right now and went on to talk about the case that Howard and Robin were just talking about. He gave a few details on that before getting off the line.
Howard wondered if they had pictures of the interns for their Intern Beauty Pageant up on his web site yet. Jason came in and said that they have the pictures under the section that says ''Stern Central.'' Howard hates that term and told Jason to change it immediately. Howard told the fans that they can go on the site and vote for their favorite intern there. Howard said that he hasn't had much time to deal with the site lately and he's got to keep an eye on these guys controlling his web site. Howard wondered what else was turned down when they were discussing ''Stern Central.'' Jason said he'd get him a list. Howard had to take a break right after that.
Howard brought up a story they told on the show yesterday about a woman who saw Howard for the first time and couldn't listen to him for 3 years after that. He said he should have done his shows in a clown outfit back then. Howard also talked about how upset he was when he saw Jim Kerr for the first time. Howard said that he's heard that the guy who plays Yucko is disturbing looking without the makeup. Artie said he hasn't seen him without the makeup but one time, he got a note from him when he was out in Vegas saying that he was in the restaurant with him. He never did see him though.
Howard had High Pitch Erik come in this morning, without his handcuffed Terri attached. Howard said that they were posting pictures of him on his web site last night of his nasty looking feet, and hairy ears. Howard went on to explain how they had this contest yesterday where someone would have the chance to win $20,000 if they were attached to this horrible monster known as High Pitch Erik. Howard said that he smells horrible and he's all fat. Erik said that he sweats a lot so that's why he smells sometimes. Howard knew that this girl Terri was freaking out yesterday but she was willing to give it a try and be handcuffed to Erik. Doug Goodstein came in and said that Erik is gross and it gets worse and worse. He was over at Erik's apartment yesterday and it smells like he's cooking a horse poop and urine pie in there.
Howard explained how this woman Terri came in to try and get some money because she was literally broke after selling all of her stuff. She was picked at the winner to be handcuffed to Erik for 4 days. She was offered $500 to get out of the whole thing but she decided to try out for the twenty grand. She stuck around through a prank phone call that Erik made after they left the show. Howard played the prank call that the two of them made. Terri played Erik's mother when they called some kind of therapist. Erik played the belligerent child who yelled at the woman on the phone. Terri was pretty good as Erik's mother and the call. The woman on the phone eventually hung up as Erik was yelling stuff at her.
Howard said that Erik and Terri left the station and headed over to Erik's place. She didn't want to get on a subway though because she's claustrophobic. She was just about begging him to take a cab instead of the subway but Erik tried to convince her to take the train. Howard said that Erik was eating a ton of food and offering Terri something to eat. Terri just let Erik eat and refused to take anything from him. Erik sounded like a kid on Christmas morning as he was eating stuff. Howard said that Terri had to go to the bathroom but she needed the water to run as she was trying to pee. Erik didn't understand what the water does though. Howard said she was having trouble peeing because she was attached to a horrible monster. Howard said she tried to pee four times but she wasn't able to go.
Howard said they eventually went to Erik's apartment and it smelled like a zoo according to Doug. Terri was losing it already. In one clip Terri asked what ''that smell'' was. Erik said that he would open the windows if she wanted. Erik also claims to have a girlfriend from Long Island but Howard said she just drops her kids off with him to watch and she doesn't have sex with him. Erik was also explaining how he didn't have time to clean up his guest room. Doug said that Richie had a good line and said that a bachelor only lives like that if he's a crackhead.
Erik broke Terri when he went on the computer to look at some porn. Erik logged on and started to look at some pictures and that's when Terri bailed out on the contest. She couldn't take it and gave up on the $20,000. Doug said that she lasted a total of 6 hours and 17 minutes. Terri said she appreciated the chance to try and win the money but she had to leave. She said that Erik was a nice ''hostess'' and it was nothing personal. Howard had her on the phone a few seconds after that. Terri said that it was just ''too much'' for her. She tried to explain what the smell was over at Erik's apartment and she couldn't describe it. Howard said it must be like swamp ass or something like that. Terri said it was that on top of body odor. Terri said that Erik had snot hanging out of his nose yesterday as well. She said that she asked Erik to walk to the store with her to get a chair and a pillow but he wouldn't even do that. She had no plans to watch him go to the bathroom and she wasn't able to go herself.
Erik insists that he was supposed to have been ''the boss'' yesterday but it really didn't matter. Doug from E! was saying that Erik's hands were just gross this morning and they were sweating like crazy. Terri told the guys that she's allergic to cats and she wasn't told that she'd be in an apartment with one. Howard asked Terri if she thought she could have stuck it out for the $20,000. She said there was no way she could have made it for 3 days. Doug said she told him that she may have done it for $100,000. Doug thinks she would have lasted maybe another hour. Howard gave Terri a $500 prize courtesy of the movie ''Darkness'' which comes out later this month. Howard gave the WWE Tough Enough contest a plug since they were the sponsor for the contest. Erik thought that Howard was talking about this contest and that he was going to be on UPN this Thursday. Terri told Erik that she would have stayed if Erik had cleaned up and let her get a chair and pillow to sit on.
Terri said she took two showers when she got home yesterday. She was so grossed out that she just had to clean herself twice. Gary said she was obsessed with the shower thing and kept asking where she could shower if she made it through until Thursday. Zolar called in and called Erik some names. Zolar started to go off on Erik but Howard cut him off and said that they should take that off the air. Howard said that Terri sounded like a rescued hostage this morning. Doug said that she didn't smile all morning until those handcuffs came off of her yesterday. Erik thought it was funny how Howard was calling him a monster and the way he was saying it.
Doug said he thinks he'd last about 10 or 15 minutes of being handcuffed to Erik. He said if one bit of sweat from those hands touched him, he'd be done. Gary came in and told Howard about being stuck in a car with Erik, Hank the Dwarf and Gary the Retard and Erik was the most annoying of them all. Doug told Howard how Erik cleans his clothes in the sink by just leaving clothes soaking in there. Then he hangs them up to let them dry so they get all musty and smelly. Gary said that he heard that Erik doesn't go to the laundromat because it's 3 floors away from his apartment. Erik said it's easier for him to just do them in the sink. Erik also calls the stairs in his apartment building ''the secret passageway'' when he brings people over there. Gary thinks it's amazing that Erik is allowed to live on his own. The guys were also amazed that the cat is still alive in his apartment.
Doug asked Erik to spell his name. He spelled it Erik. Then he was asked to spell his other name. Erik says ''High Pitch Eric.'' He spells his name two different ways for some reason. He said that his High Pitch name is spelled differently on the show even though his real name is spelled with a K. No one understood that explanation. Howard ended the nightmare a short time later and went to commercial break.
Howard said you can check out the interns over at HowardStern.com. He then introduced John the Stutterer who was another judge for the contest. John tried to tell Howard how he was doing but he was stuttering like mad. Howard cut him off and said that John was going crazy recently because he thought he wasn't going to be allowed back on the show. John was trying to talk but Fred was doing an impression of him and made him stutter even more. He eventually told Howard that he was ''Sofa King happy to be there.'' Howard cut him off again and moved on to the next judge, Double A. Double A was wearing his big gold jewelry and had his Howard Stern tattoos exposed for everyone to see. John the Stutterer had a theme song of his own that they played a couple of times.
Howard moved on to the contest and brought in the first intern, Erika. Howard said that she's really hot. Erika is 25 years old and claims to be into white and black guys and has had a threesome. Howard said that she wasn't wearing a bra this morning and described how she looked. He liked the outfit that she was wearing. Howard read that she lost her virginity at 14 to a 19 year old black guy. Erika said that she has had sex with women as well. She was 16 at the time and her parents didn't know about that until today. Erika told Howard the story about her first lesbian experience and how that went. She had a friend who was a lesbian and the whole thing was kind of planned out. Erika and the friend were 16 and the guy was like 20. Erika said that the other girl was the one who took the initiative to start everything. Gary the Retard was giggling as the story was being told. The delay was hit a couple of times as she was telling the story. Erika told Howard about having sex while she was going to boarding school after the lesbian story. Howard then asked her a bunch of quick questions that she was supposed to answer quickly. He asked her about the people on the show and who she likes and doesn't like. She refused to say which of the three judges was ugliest. Howard then had her perform her song parody to the tune of Madonna's ''Material Girl.'' Gary the Retard gave her a score of 10. John the Stutterer gave her an 8 and Double A gave her a 7.
Howard brought in the next intern, Michelle. He talked to her about what she was wearing and how tall she is. She's about 5'9'' or 5'10'' tall. She also claims to have smashed a girl's face into the hood of a car at an Allman Brothers concert one time. She also says that her mother and her boyfriend get into fights sometimes and they have to have an order of protection for that. Michelle lost her virginity at the age of 14 and claims to be pretty sexual. She's only 22 years old. Howard read that she likes when guys don't last too long in bed and finish up pretty fast. Gary the Retard gave her some advice and told her not to do anything that will make her go to prison. She said she knows better than that and won't do anything bad. Robin asked who took her virginity at the age of 14. She said it was a 17 year old who was her boyfriend at the time. Howard ripped through a bunch of questions for Michelle and made her answer quickly. Howard then had her sing her song parody which was to the tune of ''Super Freak.'' Double A gave her a score of 6 after complaining about some of the stuff she said during her interview. John the Stutterer gave her a score of 9 and Gary the Retard gave her a 10. That's the only number he seems to know.
Baba Booey said that they polled the girls earlier in the week and asked them who the creepiest guy on the show is. Richard Christy was the one guy who got all four votes. Earlier, Gary said that Artie was voted the sexiest guy on the show by all four girls. Howard said they had to take a break before getting to the other two interns.
Baba Booey said that Benjy got the most votes for the worst hygiene on the show. Howard got some ''most talented'' votes but Richard Christy got half of the votes as well. Howard couldn't believe that Gary couldn't count and said that he'd gotten the most votes. They were actually tied.
Gianna the Intern was the next one to come in. Howard described what she was wearing and she was dressed up as Santa's helper. He read that she's in the Connecticut School of Broadcasting. She seems to think that Howard is intimidated by her for some reason. Howard read that Gianna had a boyfriend who killed himself by overdosing on pills. She said it was about 3 years ago and she may never get over it. She was the intern that was hanging out with Joey G out in Las Vegas earlier this year. She also claims that she pleasures herself every day since she moved to New York. She said she once saw herself in the mirror as she was trying on some clothes and got excited so she pleasured herself. She also claims that she's fantasized about having Doug Goodstein put her in the RoboSpanker to get spanked. Howard said that she's also had some lesbian experiences. Gianna said that at the age of 18 she had her first lesbian experience with a flight attendant. Her boyfriend got her all drunk and she ended up puking and that's what led to the other girl starting the lesbian stuff. Gianna is single now and she's not able to find a single guy now that she's living in the city. Howard ripped through a bunch of questions for Gianna. She also performed her song parody to the tune of ''Walk Like An Egyptian.'' John the Stutterer said he had a ''stiffy'' after that performance. He gave her a score of 10. Gary the Retard also gave her a 10. Double A said the performance was really good and gave her an 8. Gianna then told the guys that she's 37 years old which surprised the guys.
Howard had Gary give some more poll results. The person voted the biggest pervert by all four girls was Sal the Stockbroker. Howard announced the next intern, Jen, after that. Jen was also dressed as a Santa's Helper and she apparently filled out the outfit nicely according to Howard. Gary the Retard said that he would dump his girlfriend in a minute for Jen. Howard announced where the girls could be found on his web site again and had his web site guy on the phone to let them know that they were changing the name to ''Vagina Corner'' from ''Stern Central.'' Howard asked Jen some questions and found out that she made out with a friend in a Victoria's Secret dressing room this past summer. Jen said that it wasn't her first lesbian experience, but it was her best. Howard was impressed with all of his interns because they looked so good today. Howard asked Jen a few questions about what she was wearing and then got back to that lesbian story. Jen said that she didn't know that they were going to be so attracted to each other that day but they'd just tried oysters. Jen said the friend seemed to have been affected by the oysters and it made her horny. Jen was in pink bra and panties and the friend was changing as well. That's when the friend asked if she could kiss Jen. They made out for a good 3-5 minutes according to Jen. They went out later that night but nothing else happened. A phone caller asked when this was going to be on E! because it sounded so hot. Howard wasn't sure when it would be on but he said guys will be impressed at how hot these chicks are. Howard then read a story about Jen doing something to her boyfriend while he was driving and they went through a toll booth and let the toll taker see them. Howard spent quite a while talking to Jen about her life and then whipped through a bunch of questions that she had to answer quickly. She said that she would make out with Erika if she had to pick one other intern to kiss. Double A wanted to see that but Howard didn't push the issue. He had Jen perform her song parody. Howard wanted to make a new rule that said that they could date the interns after that performance. Gary the Retard was first up and gave Jen a score of 10. John the Stutterer came in with a score of 10 even though he knows that she'd never touch him in a million years. Double A couldn't take his eyes off of her and gave her a score of 9.
Howard was ready to announce the winner who was going to get a $2,500 prize courtesy of ActivShopper.com. There were a bunch of other prizes for the contestants as well. Howard announced those but was running out of steam as he was announcing all of them. Baba Booey then announced that Jen was the winner. She won by just 1 point. Howard thought that Gianna was taking it kind of hard but she said she was fine with it. Howard let a guy from ActivShopper.com give Jen her giant check. Gary was telling the guys about the service and how cool it is. It allows you to search for the best prices on the stuff you're shopping for.
Howard let Double A get in a couple of plugs, not for himself, but for Beth O. He said that if you want to see the hottest chick in the world, go to BethO.com. That's Howard's girlfriend's web site. Howard wrapped up the pageant and went to break a short time later.
Debbie tried to explain some of her thoughts on all of the stuff John brought up. He was still being brutal and was calling Debbie ugly so Debbie shot back at him and told him to look in the mirror. Howard had to have the guys take John out of the studio, even though he was impressed with his knowledge of her. Howard was still saying that Debbie is a 35 year old virgin and he's amazed by that. Debbie told him he can think what he wants but she's still not going to talk about it. Debbie likes that there's some mystery there. Howard had to take a break before getting to Robin's news.
Robin read a story about Regis Philbin doing the New Years Rockin' Eve show this year so Howard mentioned that he got a call from Dick Clark Productions asking him to do a pre-taped get well wish for Dick for that show. Howard said he wasn't sure if he should do it because people always look bad when they do that stuff. Robin told him that if he was hosting the show, then he could do something like that. Howard said he would happily do a get well wish for Dick if it was for Dick's personal use but he doesn't think he'll do it for the new years thing. Robin though that it would be a perfect time for ABC to move away from Dick Clark doing the New Year's Eve thing and why they're going with Regis is beyond her. She said they need to find a young guy who can come back every year for a long time but they're not doing that. Howard said he hopes he's not around to see that show and that he'll be staring at a wall at a party somewhere. Howard wrapped up the show around 10:45 this morning.
Howard said that his brain was on fire this morning because he's got so much going on in his life. He talked about how he's trying to get his web site updated earlier in the day because sometimes it's not even updated by the time he goes to bed. Gary the Retard was supposed to have done a photo shoot yesterday but he used a film camera so they won't be up until later today. Jason came in and told Howard that Gary kept his zoom in all the time so he's not sure how they'll come out. Howard said he wouldn't have wasted time on that but he never knows what's going on with his web site these days. Artie said that Gary doesn't seem retarded when he's taking the pictures but then you'll see the pictures and realize just how retarded he is. Howard had some audio clips of Gary the Retard and High Pitch Erik yelling at each other out in the halls yesterday after the show. Ronnie the Limo Driver put a stop to it and had Gary get out of the hall because it's a ''place of business.'' Howard said that Ronnie was interrupting some great radio by telling Gary to get out of the hall.
Howard had an audio clip from ''According to Jim'' where his name was mentioned. He was also mentioned on ''Jeopardy'' last night when Christie Whitman was played in an audio question. Howard pointed out that Whitman said she named a toilet after him. It was actually a rest stop but the plaque was placed over a toilet at the rest stop. Gary told Howard that he was right and it was the whole rest stop that was named after him.
Donald Trump is supposed to be calling in today because the finale of his show ''The Apprentice'' is tomorrow night. Howard said that Craig Ferguson, the new ''Late, Late Show'' host, is supposed to be coming in. Triple H from the WWE is also going to be coming in to promote the new ''Blade: Trinity'' movie. Howard and Richie from E! spent a short time talking about the movie. Howard liked it but Richie thought it was the worst of the three ''Blade'' movies. Richie said that Jessica Biel made it worth seeing the movie but that was about it. Richie was analyzing the plot of the movie but Howard told him he can't do that with a movie like that, it's about vampires. Wesley Snipes was supposed to be on to promote the movie but he vanished for a short time and they weren't sure where he was at. Triple H apparently said that Wesley was a pain in the ass on the set so Howard will ask him about that later in the show.
Howard said they're doing a big Christmas show on Friday. He will be dancing with some Scores girls and he'll be doing a song with his girlfriend Beth. Artie and The Lange Family Singers will be performing as well. Howard said he walked into the building this morning and Mike the security guy was playing some really bad Christmas muzak. Howard played an example of what it sounded like and it was really bad. Artie said he heard it as well and it wasn't what he needed to hear first thing in the morning when he's tired and hungry.
Howard took a call from Crack boy, a guy who said he liked Sloan and she was turning him on first thing this morning. Howard told the guy to check out her picture on his web site but the guy doesn't have internet access at home. He's got to go to the library. The caller also asked Howard about the High Pitch Erik contest and if he was still cuffed to that chick. Howard told him that was over yesterday. The guy said that he was trying to get in on that contest but they never told him to come in. Howard said that they probably figured that High Pitch probably wouldn't have been able to deal with this guy instead of it being the other way around. Howard told the caller that the chick that they picked to be cuffed to Erik was perfect for the contest. She freaked out once she got over to Erik's smelly apartment. Howard let the guy go a short time later.
Howard got an e-mail from the Program Director at their Los Angeles station and they apparently had some big ratings numbers out there. He thought he had it to read but he was having trouble finding it. He wanted to use the F-word this morning as he was talking about that but he has to wait until he moves over to Sirius. The P.D. wants Howard to just do whatever he wants to do over the next year to get them some big ratings out there. He said he doesn't care if Howard talks about his new venture or not. Howard thinks it's funny that people just aren't getting it and are giving him a hard time about talking about that new venture. Howard thinks that the interview he did with USA Today is going to be in the paper on Friday but he's not sure. He's just trying to get the word out so all of his people will follow him over there. Robin said that her boyfriend, Mr. X, has been going around to different stores asking about the satellite equipment and a bunch of stores are all sold out. Howard said that kind of bothers him because they should have the stuff in stock. Howard is giving that stuff out as Christmas gifts this year.
Howard read through some e-mail he got and said that one guy asked him to paint a Gibson guitar for some charity. Howard also got a letter from the Knicks who asked him to draw on a card with crayons. Howard said he drew a picture of himself and wrote ''Ho, ho, ho'' on it. He read about some of the other celebrities who drew their own cards. Jessica Simpson, Adam Sandler, Billy Crystal and others drew their own pictures. Robin was supposed to do one but she never got around to it. The cards are supposed to be auctioned off to benefit this charity. You can find them on eBay.com.
Howard got a card in the mail saying that he won something. He usually throws that kind of stuff out but this one was different. He read the letter from the Rewards Verification Center. It said he won tickets to Las Vegas and either a Hummer or a Yukon Denali among some other vacation prizes or $500 cash. Robin told him it's a vacation plan thing where they bring him in to view some real estate. Robin said the only way he's getting a Hummer is if he brings his girlfriend with him. Howard ripped it up after Robin told him that.
Howard said they got some holiday cards already. Kreskin sent one and they got one from KISS. The guy who announced the Stuttering John and Cabbie fight also sent them a card. That's all they've gotten so far. Howard said there was also an article written about him in New York Magazine and they didn't put a real picture of him in there, they drew one. Howard said it was really weird looking and unflattering. Artie said it was kind of creepy looking. Howard had to take another break right after that.
Howard asked Trump about why he didn't invite him to his wedding. Trump said that not all of his invitations have gone out yet so he doesn't know if he's invited or not. Trump wanted to get away from that discussion but Howard wanted to keep talking about it. Trump told Howard that he really hit him hard at his last wedding when he said that the marriage would only last 6 months. Trump said he was wrong, it lasted 3 years, but it still killed him. He also said that Marla was crying all day after that as well. Howard had also made a comment about how ''there wasn't a wet eye in the house'' and he was right. Trump said that the next wedding will be handled with style and his fiancee is handling the whole thing, he's going to just show up.
Howard had an audio clip from the Barbara Walters special where Trump says that Melania understands him better than anyone else out there. Trump said that he's never done better in his career and he thinks that it's got to do with Melania. Trump pointed out that if you have the right woman things will work out. He used Andre Agassi as an example. Howard played more of the Barbara Walters special and spent a few more minutes talking about Melania and her accent. Trump said he likes that accent and it turns him on for some reason. Howard seems to think that it will eventually get annoying though.
Howard brought up a story about Trump having his wife and his mistress in Aspen at the same time, just on different mountains. Trump told a story about how he had the two of them yelling at each other at a restaurant at one point during that time and some big, fat guy came up to him and said that things could be worse for him. Trump said that it really was one of the worst days of his life when the two of them found out about each other. Howard wondered who Trump went off with after the two of them met. Trump said that he actually went out with some friends. He's not a drinker but he said that he came close to drinking that day. Howard thinks that Trump will eventually trade in Melania for someone like Lindsay Lohan. Trump said she's got a lot of freckles and you have to be into that to date her. He said she's got a good name for a celebrity though. He was pointing out that someone like Leonardo DiCaprio wouldn't be a star if he had a name like Bill Smith.
Howard said that Donald's daughter Ivanka is looking really good these days. Howard said he always thought she was good looking but he saw her recently and she looked amazing. Howard told Trump about how his girlfriend called her mother for the first time to tell her about dating Howard and her mother hung up on her and wouldn't talk to her for a while after that. Howard tried to talk to Donald about how many times he has sex these days. Howard figures that they used to have sex a lot more often but now it's probably down to about 2 times a week at the most. Trump didn't want to get into that stuff though. He avoided talking about it as much as he could. He changed subjects and talked about what a big star he is now that he's got this big, hit TV show. He said he went out to do Jay Leno's show and a bunch of well known actresses come up to him and tell him how good looking he is. He said he knows when they're full of it when they tell him his hair is wonderful. Trump said something that got the delay hit after that. Howard and Robin told him that they're not at the new place yet so he can't say whatever it was. Trump was trying to make a point about how some women seem to find guys more attractive when they're married.
Howard gave Trump a plug for his finale of ''The Apprentice'' that airs tomorrow night. Howard said that his daughter Emily is going to be in the audience to see that show. Howard had to call and get her the ticket. Trump told Howard that he should come over and see the finale himself. Howard said he has to work the next day so he can't do that. Trump told him that doesn't matter, he's making a ton of money. He said that his new deal is amazing and he's thinking of getting into radio himself. Howard took a call from Zolar who did his female voice for Trump and said that he's a troll and his hair is disgusting. He broke into his deep, male voice as he was asking Trump if he'd want to do him. Trump said that kind of thing could only happen on his show.
Trump said that if Howard is invited to his wedding, he can stay at his club down in Florida where the wedding is going to be. Trump said that he's getting a lot of calls for the wedding and people are offering him things like a chef for the wedding even though they're not invited. He's going to try and keep the guest list down to 400 or so but it's going to be tough. He's also thinking about having it televised but that's not set yet. Howard said he probably wouldn't go if it was going to be televised. Howard said that Melania must be great in bed for him to want to marry her. Trump said that his favorite sex position is ''normal'' and he's really just a normal guy when it comes to that stuff. He doesn't tie her up or choke her. Howard wrapped up the interview after that and went to commercial break.
Howard played a clip from ''The View'' where the annoying women on the show were talking to Clay Aiken about the dress code he wants to enforce at his shows. He also played a clip from Jimmy Kimmel's show where Jimmy asked Anna Nicole about an ad Campaign she's doing for PETA. Anna had no idea what PETA stood for though. She was whining on the show about not killing animals. Howard said that she really is a piece of work. Robin said it's too bad they lost her as a guest because she was good.
Howard was looking at eBay.com to see his card that was listed at $87. Trumps card was up to over $600 as was Hugh Jackman's. Adam Sandler's was up over $150. Artie said he would bid $500 on his card just to get it up there. John Malkovich's card was only $33. Howard read through a bunch of the other cards that were being auctioned off and most of them were pretty low, at around $25.
Howard asked Craig about how he got this job and how he got involved with it. Craig thought it was a joke at first but it turned out to be a real job. He just had some fun with the show a few nights and just winged it. He said he never thought about doing something like that in his life so it was a total surprise. He's originally from Scotland so he's still got the Scottish accent. Howard read that Craig used to be a drunk but Craig said he cleaned up before he came over to the U.S. Craig told Howard he auditioned for a part on ''Suddenly Susan'' doing a Spanish accent. He can't do a hispanic accent though so he didn't get the part. They told him then that there was another show to audition for and that was ''The Drew Carey Show.'' They actually gave him the job without another audition. Then he got the call about ''The Late, Late Show'' and went in to try out for that.
Howard talked about how dopey Craig Kilborn was for leaving his show because he was making a good living. Ferguson now has the job and he said they offered him a good sum of money. Craig said that he got some good ratings when he was testing out for the job and the ratings were higher than Kilborn's. Craig said that he doesn't know David Letterman all that well, he's only met him twice even though Letterman is the executive producer for the show. Howard read that Craig dumped his woman not too long ago and he's been dating women and he's been moving through celebrities and models and he's trying to move up to supermodels. He said he'd like to date Angelina Jolie because he's a fan of hers.
Howard wondered if it was tough to get guests on the show when he was testing out. He said they were all booked ahead of time os he didn't have to deal with that. Craig said he really doesn't know all that much about the whole talk show thing yet so nothing has bothered him yet. Howard wanted to get DL Hughley on the show to talk to Craig about this whole thing since he was one of the guys trying out for the job. DL's people said that he didn't want to do it though. Howard thinks that DL is taking it kind of hard that he lost the job to Craig.
Craig said that he didn't watch the shows that the other people were doing because he didn't want to drive himself crazy. Craig said he knew that he wanted to do this show as soon as he started doing it. Artie said that Craig did a great movie about weed. It was called ''Saving Grace'' and Robin said she loved it as well. Craig wrote, produced and appeared in the movie. Craig told Howard a little bit about that movie and about the movie ''The Big Tease'' which also starred Howard's movie wife Mary McCormack. Craig said she was in that he'd seen her in Howard's movie. Artie said that Howard's movie propelled Mary into a low budget film.
A listener called in and told Howard to get this guy off the show because he sounds like Groundskeeper Willie from ''The Simpsons.'' Artie said that Willie is one of the funniest characters on that show so it wasn't really an insult. Howard asked Craig when he's going to be starting the show. He said that will happen in January. He would like to have Howard appear on the show but Howard told him he's too big for that show. Gary told Howard that he heard that he's going to book his ex-wife though. Howard said that's a good idea and he might like to see that. Howard read that Craig starts on the show starting January 3rd. He was asking him about his private parts but the delay kept getting hit during that discussion. They were also talking about how Craig is uncircumcised. He said that he finds the look of his over the porn star look. The delay was hit multiple times during that discussion. As Howard was starting to wrap up the segment Artie and Howard were trying to do their Scottish accents but they weren't all that great.
Another phone caller said that just because the guy has a Scottish accent doesn't make you funny. A woman called in and said that she's in love with Craig. She was saying that she is in her sexual prime but also said that she's ''not that fat'' at 140 pounds at 5'8'' tall. Howard got her off the phone within seconds of hearing that. He then wrapped up the interview with Craig and went to commercial.
Howard had Evil David Letterman come in after the phone call. Evil Dave, a David Letterman sound-alike, came in and started doing his unscripted material right off the bat. Howard said ''oh no'' when he started doing that stuff. The delay hits started a short time later. Evil Dave read a few of his jokes and talked to Howard as if he were really David Letterman. He cracked one joke about how he should get Gary the Retard to announce for his show because Jay Leno hired a retard (Stuttering John) to announce his show.
Howard said that Double A was also there because he's a huge wrestling fan. He wanted to meet Triple H but Howard demanded that he get into the RoboSpanker and get spanked if he can't answer questions about Triple H. Double A came in wearing a bathing suit and all of his wrestling belts. He said they're all ''replicates'' of the real belts. Howard said even Triple H probably doesn't have those old belts. Double A said he's got 6 belts and one of them was about $375, one was $325 and the newest one was $425. Robin said it's all fake crap too, it's not even real gold or anything like that. Evil Dave asked him ''Excuse me sir, are you a fag?'' while they were talking to him about the belts. Howard had Double A get into the RoboSpanker shortly after that. Doug Goodstein said he looks like a midget wrestler, he's only 5'3'' tall.
Artie said that Double A probably thinks the RoboSpanker thing is gay, meanwhile, he's gay for wrestling. He said he had to turn away while he was getting into the RoboSpanker. Howard had some questions for Double A about Triple H. He asked him how many meals a day Triple H eats. Double A said it was six but it's actually seven. He got spanked by the RoboSpanker. He didn't know Triple H's real name so he got spanked again. He got hit a third time when he wasn't able to answer another question. Howard asked a couple more questions and Double A was having some trouble answering those so Howard took it easy on him and didn't spank him every time. Howard asked him Double A what Triple H calls it when he sprays water before he wrestles. Double A didn't know it was ''The Spritz'' so he got spanked. Artie said it should be called ''The spraying of the fags.''
Zolar called in and said that Double A pays for hookers all the time and he doesn't know why he's being so elusive. Zolar said that he gets hookers and videotapes them all the time. He said he's got a good collection of tapes too. Hook Nose Mike also called in and told Double A that he just went to Double Gay today.
Howard had Triple H come in a short time later. Double A had to stay in the RoboSpanker during the interview. Even Triple H was disgusted by what he saw and said that if he was a real fan, he never would have gotten into that machine. Double A told Triple H that he's a big fan and he's really not gay. Triple H said it's amazing how many people actually show up to events with those replica belts like Double A has. Howard let Double A say a few words to Triple H before kicking him out of the studio.
Howard told Triple H that he liked the movie ''Blade: Trinity'' which he appears in. Triple H was having trouble hearing anything in his headphones so they had to dick around with those for a couple of minutes. Howard got back to the acting stuff and asked him if he wants to follow in the footsteps of The Rock or Hulk Hogan. Triple H said that he doesn't want to follow in the steps of Hulk Hogan. He's going to pick and choose the stuff he does and he's not going to walk away from wrestling. He likes to do both. He wasn't bad mouthing The Rock but he was able to do both the movie and the wrestling without leaving it. He talked about doing ''Blade'' and said that he would play the part of a gay man if the movie was good.
Howard and Robin asked Triple H about dating Chynna. Howard said he doesn't know how he was able to be with her because she's so manly. He hasn't seen the sex tape that Chynna put out though. Howard told him that she has a lot of pimples on her ass in that video. Howard also wanted to play some of the song that Chynna performed on his show not too long ago. He didn't play much of it though. Howard said that his girlfriend Beth worked with Triple H in something and she said that he didn't hit on her. Triple H said he didn't hit on her but he did have her phone number. He pulled it out of his pocket and Howard confirmed that it was hers. Triple h said that she wanted to bring Howard to a show so she gave him her number.
Triple H told some stories about Wesley Snipes and the way he behaved on the set of ''Blade.'' He said that he didn't talk to his co-stars and even threatened the director at one point according to H. He said that Snipes behaved himself around him but not with everyone else. H said that Snipes accidentally kicked him in one scene and must have apologized to him ten times after that. He said that it seems like he knows when to behave under the right circumstances.
Howard talked about how hot Jessica Biel was in the movie as well. Howard said that her ass was talking to him during the movie. He'd like to put her in the RoboSpanker there in the studio. Howard moved on to talk about Triple H's book ''Triple H Making the Game : Triple H's Approach to a Better Body.'' Triple H said they were coming after him to write a book so he wrote one about working out. Chaunce Hayden called in during that discussion and said that Triple H made him prove to him that the magazine ''Steppin' Out'' wasn't a gay magazine. He told Howard that he asked Triple H if he would ever fight in a real fight. He was wondering who Howard would pick in a fight between Triple H and Chuck Zito. Triple H said that he would be a tough fight and one of them would probably end up dead in the ring if they fought. Zolar called in as Brad Pitt's brother Stu and seemed to crack himself up after doing that. He asked Triple H if he ever had any racial thoughts about Wesley Snipes Triple H wasn't even going to answer any questions like that.
Howard wrapped up the interview and gave Triple H a few plugs for his book, the movie and a couple of book signing appearances he's making over the next few days. Evil Dave was cracking a few more gay jokes before Howard ended the interview and took a break.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who thought that Evil Dave sounded a lot like the real David Letterman. Howard told the guy that it was really Dave and he seemed to believe it. Evil Dave did a few more jokes that were off script and Howard doesn't like that. Gary came in and said they talked to him about sticking to that program through the show and he just doesn't listen to them. They told him not to give Howard a gift because it's visual. He did it anyway.
Howard had Robin start her news after that. He interrupted the news when a caller brought up the things that were going on up in Syracuse with the station cutting off the show. That seems to have stopped but now Howard is worrying about what the company is going to do to him when the FCC fines them for something. Howard said he's going to have a meeting after the first of the new year but he thinks it's going to be the end of the show as they know it. He may have to start playing more music so they can avoid talking and opening themselves up to getting fined again. The company made a deal with the FCC that basically says that they'll suspend and fire Howard if he gets fined again. Howard hopes that they don't get any notices while they're on vacation.
Evil Dave cracked a few more jokes during the news. He told Robin that she speaks very well and wondered if she was raised by whites. Howard sadi that Dave was being very racial today for some reason. Howard ended the show around 10:25 this morning.
Howard said they're going to be busy preparing for the Christmas special they're having tomorrow. He didn't get any sleep last night because he was so wired. He was stuck in traffic after driving his daughter home to Long Island and then driving back into the city. There were accidents on both sides of the Long Island Expressway. He tried to lay in bed but he couldn't sleep because he's got so much anxiety these days. Robin brought up a story about a guy who was stuck under a car in one of the accidents out there. Howard was more worried about himself though. Howard said his kids think that he can do just about anything he wants but they don't know that's not true. He said he has to tell them that there are rules in life and he just can't do whatever he wants.
Howard said when he got back to the city yesterday it was 8 o'clock already and he hadn't even taken a shower yet. He hasn't had sex in a few days because he's been too tired to do that. He asked Robin to come over to him after undressing to see if he could get into her. She didn't do it of course. Artie told Howard that he went over to shoot a show with Howard's girlfriend Beth yesterday. Beth is appearing on Spike TV's ''Casino Cinema'' so Artie said she looked really hot on the show. Howard explained what she does by butting in and talking during the movies they show on that show. Howard said it can be annoying but the show does pretty well in the ratings. Artie went on the show to promote his new DVD ''It's the Whisky Talkin'' which is available at Artie-Lange.com. Artie told Howard how hot Beth looked in the black evening gown she was wearing. He Artie said that he and Steve Shiripa didn't even look like they were in the same species as Beth during that show. Artie also said that the shoot went quick and may have been the most professional TV shoot he's ever done. Everyone was cool to him and he had a good time doing it.
Howard told a story about Beth coming to him to try and learn how to play Acey Deucey on the show but Howard told her that it was gay and Artie wasn't going to want to play the game. Artie said that the game they played really was dumb because he ended up losing even though he had five fives and Steve had five kings. He didn't understand the game at all. Artie said that his show should air in about a month from what he heard. Howard said it airs on Tuesday nights. Howard said he TiVo's the show and fast forwards to Beth's scenes. He said that Beth is also on Spike TV's ''Life and Style'' show as a correspondent. Robin wasn't aware of that until Howard filled her in this morning. Beth is supposed to be on the show tomorrow for the big Christmas show they're doing. Robin was told to bring in her presents today though so she wondered what that was about. Howard had no idea because the Christmas show isn't until tomorrow.
Howard was talking to Tom Chiusano the other day about the issues they have there at the station. He mentioned that he told Tom he wasn't going to make it to the Christmas party they were holding. He was going to be away on vacation. The next day he got a note saying that the party was canceled until January. Gary was pissed about it so Howard let him say what he wanted to say. Gary talked about how great the parties used to be when Mel (Karmazin) was there. They had some great parties back then. They'd have some great stories to tell after the parties. A couple of years ago the parties started getting worse but they'd still have some fun. This year they got the invitation saying the party was on December 23rd. Some people were upset that it was on that day but Gary was looking forward to it anyway. Gary said they ended up canceling it because hardly anyone responded to the invitation. Now people are saying that there's no way the party will happen in January. Gary said they never give anyone bonuses there at the company so this is the bone they throw them so people don't get so upset. Gary doesn't think that they'll even see that party in January now.
Tom said that he believes that they show people how they care about all of their employees all year long and they take care of them quite well. Gary said that is true but he was still looking forward to the party. He brought up how the Christmas party was canceled back in 2001 after the whole 9/11 thing. That was what the employees needed though. Tom went on to tell the guys how they picked the date because they would have the restaurant all to themselves and how they never got enough responses to their invitations to make it worthwhile. Gary wondered why every other company can figure out how to get their employees to a party but this one can't. Tom said that they were going to do it on that day because it was the day before the station was going to be closed. Artie jokingly said that he's afraid that the Christmas party is going to be too close to their company picnic in February. He was also goofing on Tom about how they're going to miss being stuffed into a tiny room and eating the pretzels they hand out there this year. Tom was talking about how he spends a lot of his own money to give the staff food and stuff like that. They don't appreciate that for some reason. Fred was doing his Tom impression and goofing on him about all of that stuff.
Howard gave Tom some advice on the January party. He said that they should allow spouses and they should hold it at a nice place where they can have a band or some kind of other entertainment. Tom said that stuff is already being planned. Artie was having some fun goofing on Tom but Tom came back with a little dig of his own saying that he doesn't know of any good stand-up comics. The guys were all suggesting bands that they could have play at the party. Tom also came through with another little dig at Artie by calling him ''Jackie'' because he tries to get in plugs for his DVD. Artie pointed out that he bought ad time on the station for that DVD and Tom whole be giving him some plugs for the amount of money he had to spend. He went as far as calling Tom a jerkoff. Howard told Tom that maybe his wife should be involved in the discussion about the party. Howard was giving Tom more suggestions about what he can do for the party if and when it actually happens. He had to take a break right after that.
Bobo called in and asked Howard if he went home and asked Beth about Triple H having her phone number. Howard said he did ask her about that and Beth told him that Triple H just told her that he was going to take them to a wrestling match. Howard wondered why she didn't just have him call Spike TV to get in touch with her. Howard said he didn't get too upset because you have to have some freedom in the relationship. Bobo also pointed out that Howard never finished with the Jackie tapes he started to play a couple of weeks ago. Jackie was on QVC selling his stuff and they never finished listening to all of that stuff. Howard said they'll eventually get back to that.
Bobo was looking to play a game this morning but Fred was having trouble finding a tape to play. He eventually found one to play but Howard was goofing on him for having food in his mouth as that was going on. Robin went off on Fred so Fred went off on her because she never complains when Howard eats on the air. Fred played a clip of Fred Durst saying ''Oh, that was gay'' in a deep, creepy voice. Bobo tried to figure out who it was but Bobo was having trouble, even after getting a hint. Howard just wanted to move on so he wrapped it up and told Bobo that it was Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit.
Howard said that he's never going to give away tips and gifts after this year. Will came to him and said that the guy who makes his breakfast every morning was looking for a tip or something. Howard said he guesses that he has to give the guy a tip but they just go to a deli and have them cook up some eggs. Robin said that the guys in the garage expect Howard to give them something even though Ronnie the Limo Driver is the one who tips them because it's his car. Howard has nothing to do with the car parking. Robin said that they've said to her that Howard never tips them. Howard isn't going to start tipping them if he has nothing to do with them. Howard suggested that Ronnie just park his car on the street and wait for him from now on. Ronnie came in and said that he gives those guys $150 tips so he doesn't know what they're talking about. Howard doesn't know why he's getting involved in this and doesn't want him parking in the garage if they're going to ask for tips. Ronnie came in yelling and asking ''What are you talking about!?'' Ronnie said that those guys don't even do anything, Mike the Limo Driver parks the car in the morning. Ronnie left the studio yelling after Howard went off on him.
Gary said that the garage guys left a card on their car giving the names of all of the guys who work there. There were three names on the list that he and Robin didn't recognize though. Howard said he could support a country on the amount of money he tips people. He said he always disappoints people at this time of year. That led to Howard talking about how he got everyone Sirius equipment but also got some other things for certain people. Howard wasn't sure if he should get that for Tom though because he might think he's ''rubbing it in'' or something. Howard also got Gary and Artie something that he's not sure they'll appreciate. He doesn't like that he gets upset thinking about that kind of stuff. Gary complained about how Howard always hates the gifts he gets and isn't afraid to verbalize it on the air. Gary said he once gave Howard a Chris Rock DVD from when he was on Saturday Night Live and Howard hated it.
Tom was wondering how much Howard spends on tips and gifts at this time of year. Howard said that he's well into the six figures when it comes to that stuff. He showed Tom on his fingers just how far into it he is but didn't want to say it on the air. Artie was blown away by whatever number that was. He talked about the tips he gives to the people in his building and how they thank him profusely. He must be the biggest tipper in the whole building from what he can tell.
A listener called in and said that he's Robin's mail man and he never hears from her. Robin said that she had a problem last year so Howard helped her out by giving the guy a $500 prize. Artie said that he was going to give people his DVD as a tip but he thought better of it. Howard said that's what Jackie used to do. He'd give people his products.
Captain Janks called in and played some tape of Gene Simmons doing a motivational speech but he was doing it as if he was doing stand-up comedy. Howard said he'd bail out on it if he wasn't into it. He bailed out after about 10 seconds. Robin said that she heard that Dimebag Darrell was buried in a KISS coffin. They spent a minute on that and then had to take another break.
Howard had Montel Williams' ex-wife Grace Morley on the phone after that. He told her that a lot of guys contacted the show and said they'd like to date her. Grace was on the show talking about Montel recently and Montel ended up sending a fruit basket to Chaunce Hayden for defending him. Now Grace has received a motion for contempt and she has to go to court over what she talked about on the air. She's apparently not supposed to talk about stuff in an untruthful way. She claims that everything she said was truthful though. Gary said that she said some things about Montel not paying enough child support and they may look at that as saying that he doesn't pay any child support. Grace also says that Montel has said some things about her that aren't truthful to her so she thinks she has a defense. She said that Montel has written books where he talked about her and said that the reason she left him was because of his MS. She said that's hurtful because it's not true.
Howard told Grace that he had good news for her. He contacted Montel's people and they want to work things out on the air. Grace said that would be fine with her and she would like to talk to him and try to straighten things out with him. She just wants their relationship to be one where they act like human beings toward each other. Grace seems to think that Howard could do a better job of working things out than lawyers could. Howard said he will see what he can do about that and will have them both on next year. They spent a few more minutes talking about Grace and Montel's relationship and how they don't talk anymore. They've even been in the same room and they just don't say a word to each other. Grace said she's thought about going up to Montel and asking him to just make up.
Howard let Grace plug her record company since she's so into that. Grace said she got a lot of hits on the site the day she was on the show. Now people are asking her for some Bambi Jr. memorabilia so she may have to put some of her stripper stuff up on the site. Howard said that he'd like her to come in and do some Bambi Jr. moves on him in the studio. She said she might have to do that as well. Grace had more to say about Montel but Howard cut her off and had her plug her web site RaginGrace.com. He let her off the phone after that.
Howard took some more phone calls and Bong Hit Eric told Howard he may be too generous around this time of year. He said that it's ridiculous that he has to give such big gifts. Howard heard that Robin had Jason giving out gifts for her today and people were talking about that. Robin said that she can't go around giving out gifts while she's working on the show. She does that every year so she doesn't know what the big deal is. Howard said that he used to write notes for people but he's not going to do that this year. He heard that Robin did that though. Bong Hit Eric took a hit from his bong as Howard was talking so the guys asked him to do it again so they could hear it. Artie said he wished that he was Eric. That led to Eric asking Artie if he wanted to go to the Jets/Patriots game with him. Artie and Gary already have plans to go to the game and Howard said he as already invited by the owner of the Patriots, Bob Kraft. Brian from E! came in and said that he would like to go to the game so Eric said he'd take him. Howard put Eric on hold and then moved on to this game he had.
Howard wants to stop giving gifts to everyone on the show to everyone there. The guys are talking about just doing a secret Santa thing where they give one gift to one person. Howard had to take a break a short time after that.
Howard said they're going to have a meeting after the show to go over everything that they'll be doing tomorrow. Elephant Boy will be coming in to do a skit and Robin has a great line in it according to Howard. She says something about how her Gaydar tells her that someone who has had gay sex is at the door when the doorbell rings, then Elephant Boy comes in. Gary said that his son Lucas will be doing a skit on the show. Howard went through some of the other things they'll be doing tomorrow. They have song parodies and a bunch of special guests including Artie's mother. Artie and his mom will be performing Mozzarella Balls to the tune of Jingle Bells. Howard sang some of the song that he's going to be performing with Beth. Evil Dave Letterman will be in to do some stuff as well.
Howard played some of the awful Clay Aiken special and goofed on that a little bit. He also played some of the Nick and Jessica special which was horrible as well. He played some of Jessica's bad singing performances and some of the dumb skits they did on their special. Jason came in a short time later with some transcripts from the Nick and Jessica show so they could reenact them. Robin played Jessica and Howard played Nick. Howard said that it's going to be so retarded tomorrow if that's what they're going to be doing.
Howard said that the special was ruined last night when he found out that Rita the Queefer was bumped because Tom told him that they can't have that kind of thing on the show. Howard said that Fred was the one who asked Tom about that and Tom said ''no'' to that. Gary came in and said that Tom called some people and they told him that they can't do it because ''it goes over the line.'' Gary said that if it as regular farting, it would be fine, but because it's coming from a different area, it's wrong. That led to Howard talking about this deal that his company made with the FCC and how he can be suspended and possibly fired if they receive just a notice of apparent liability, not even a fine. Howard said they never came to him about that so he never agreed to that deal. Howard was asked by the company lawyer, Steve, to change the way he does the show but also to continue doing the show the way he does it. Howard said he wants to just come in and play records but they won't let him do that either. Howard wants to know exactly what he can and can't do on the air but no one will tell him that. The company basically told the FCC that they know what is right and wrong but they won't tell him what that is.
Howard said that his USA Today interview is in the paper today but it didn't really accomplish what he wanted it to. They don't mention the name of the company and the pictures were awful. He complained about that for a short time. He got back to his censorship discussion and talked about how ridiculous it is that they can't queef on the show anymore. They've been doing that for years. Howard said that he's supposed to meet with Joel Hollander and Steve Lehrman from the company but he didn't have time this week. He's going to have that meeting when they come back from vacation. Howard doesn't want to be suspended or fired because of what's going on. Howard knows they'll never clear things up though. He says that the company is supposed to know what they can allow on the air and they have control over that with their delay buttons so they should be held responsible, not him. Even the lawyer at the company said that Howard is going to be the one who takes the fall even though he apparently doesn't know the rules. That's the reason he's moving to satellite.
Howard said that terrestrial radio stations are now going to the FCC and demanding that they enforce indecency standards with satellite. The FCC basically told them that they're not going to do that. Howard didn't want to get into that but he said that satellite will never be censored because they'd have to change the United States Constitution to do something like that. Howard doesn't understand how the FCC can say that using the F-word in a movie like ''Saving Private Ryan'' on a network is okay, but it's not okay if someone says the word on radio. Howard said that he was going to play a clip from the movie and he bets that he'd be fined for it even though the FCC already said that they would not fine ABC or it's affiliates for playing the movie. Howard told Tom that he would like to play the whole movie during his show tomorrow, uncut, and not interrupted by him. Howard said that he will play the whole movie and Tom said that it might be okay if there were no interruptions. Robin said that the FCC would probably say that it's only okay if you see the visual or something ridiculous like that.
Gary asked Howard why there is nothing being done about the ''Meet the Fockers'' movie commercials that they're running because that's like double entendre. Howard wants to know if he can say ''You're a focker'' to his fans when they call in. Tom said that it might be okay if he says it to the people in the studio but not to callers. Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard and told her that she's a focker. Wendy went off on Tom and the company for what they're doing to Howard and said that they should just let him do what he wants. Howard let the ''retarded focker'' perform a song for him after that. She sang a Karaoke song that she wrote for him to the tune of ''Jingle Bell Rock.'' Howard hung up on her in the middle of it.
Sal said that they fed all of this information into the computer and wanted to tell everyone who was compatible with who. Robin was up first and he says that she is most compatible with Artie according to this quiz. All of the results were based on the quiz. She was least compatible with her own boyfriend, Mr. X. They came up at zero percent compatibility. She also came out as being the most romantic out of the bunch. Next up was Fred Norris. Fred matched up with no female in the list of people they had. That was with the women. He did match up with one man though, Mr. X, Robin's boyfriend. Robin said that makes sense because the two of them get along very well. Fred's compatibility with his wife was only 33 percent. Next up was Gary Dell'Abate. He claims that Gary was most compatible with Beth, Howard's girlfriend. He was also found to be the least romantic of the bunch of guys. Gary was also the least compatible with Artie's girlfriend Dana. Gary's compatibility was at 66 percent.
Sal continued and brought up Artie. Everyone was trying to guess the answers to all of this stuff. Artie was most compatible with Gary's wife Mary. Fred was guessing and getting them right as the game was going on. Artie was the least compatible with Dana, his own girlfriend. They were at a 33 percent compatibility. Sal says that Artie is also the worst listener from what the test says. Howard was the next person. Sal had everyone guess who Howard was most compatible with out of the women. Howard thinks that it could be no one other than Beth. It turns out he was right. He is also the most romantic out of the bunch of guys. Howard is the least competitive with Gary's wife Mary. Howard knew that before Sal even gave them the answer. Sal said that the horniest woman in the bunch was Beth O. Howard agreed with that and said that she's always into it when they have sex. The other women on the list all tied at a step below Beth as far as being horny.
Artie was the least romantic so the guys talked about how Artie once tried to keep a baseball game on the radio on as he and Dana had sex in his car after making up after breaking up. Artie said he only missed one out during that baseball game. Howard had to take a break after that. Sal said that the quiz came from iWomen.com if you want to take the quiz yourself.
Dave said that he has a new deal at FOX where he'll be doing a sitcom for them. Howard said that he could see Dave doing a sitcom but Dave doesn't think that he's a big sitcom guy. They want him to play a nanny for some reason. Howard said that would be funny though. He's the last person you'd let in your house to watch your kid but that's why it's funny. Howard said they could have him playing video games with the kids in the neighborhood and they eventually catch him messing around with them. Dave threw out a couple of ideas for Howard like how he could play a ghost in a sorority house. Artie said he pitched an idea to FOX one time about a show with him and Kathy Ireland but it didn't happen. Howard said that he'd have to come up with a good reason to be married to someone that hot. Artie said that was the problem and he couldn't come up with a good one. He told another story about going into a meeting for a show pitch. These writers pitched an idea where they have a great looking lifeguard guy who gets attacked by sharks. Then he goes into the hospital and when the bandages are taken off, he turns into a hideous guy and Artie would be playing the hideous guy. Artie said that they had one other guy in mind for the part and it was Dave Attell. Those writers later told Artie that the network told them that they were so offended that they wouldn't even respond to the pitch.
Artie said he was in a meeting on Mad TV when they came up with a spoof of ''Dead Man Walking'' and ended up doing ''Ed McMahon Walking'' but there was no premise behind the sketch and it was just awful. Howard said he was going to do a pay-per-view special one time and he wanted to freak out the producer of the show by pitching really horrible sketches to do. He wanted to do a necrophilia sketch where Howard would bang the chicks but the producer, John Lollas was almost ready to do it. Gary said that it was actually a celebrity tampon bit that they wanted to do and John was ready to do it even though it was a scam.
Dave told Howard that he wants to play a part like The Commish or something like that. He doesn't want to play a teacher or something lame like that. Dave was also saying that he'd like to play a Ferry Captain or something. Artie said that Dave's problem is that he can't be serious and was joking about this stuff. Howard said he had a script that's about a tug boat captain and Dave might be good for that part. Howard said it's the funniest thing he's read so he's going to put Dave in touch with the guy. Dave pitched a few other ideas like one where he'd be the guy running Sea World and he'd be in love with a woman who runs Disneyland... and there would be an air show involved so they'd have the sea, land and air all in one show. Howard and Artie were talking about pitch meetings and how they always go the same way.
Howard didn't think Dave was taking him seriously about the tug boat captain story. Howard said that he was serious and he has this script that he should look at. Dave still wasn't believing him so Howard had Gary come in so he could get this guy on the line. Gary said he'd try to get him so Howard went to commercial break while that was happening. They never did get the unnamed writer on the phone.
Howard had the guy who makes his breakfast on the phone. He told Victor that he has a wheel to spin that will tell him how much of a tip he's going to get this Christmas. Howard said the wheel started at one dollar and went up from there. He had Fred ''spin the wheel'' and came up with a dollar amount of $2500... courtesy of the WWE and the Tough Enough $1 million challenge finale that airs tonight on UPN. It wasn't coming out of Howard's pocket. Victor asked when he was going to get the gift. Howard said that this gift is supposed to last him the next 10 years.
Howard wanted Robin to start the news but she walked out of her booth as he was about to ask her to start it. Howard took a phone call after that and a guy complained about something that Dave said to him at a bar one night. He apparently asked the guy why he wasn't over in Iraq or something like that. Howard had Fred spin the wheel again after that for the caller. Howard ended up giving the guy a $500 prize. Robin was back from wherever she'd disappeared to so Howard had her start her news. They ended the show around 10:40 this morning.
Howard said they have been working hard on their special Christmas show. They had songs, special guests and stuff like that coming up. He siad they'll also have two of Playboy's Girls of McDonalds in as well. Howard wondered if Robin opened up her gift from him yet. She wasn't sure if she should open it early or wait until later. Howard told her to hold off until after the break so they can start the Christmas Special. Howard went to break a few seconds later.
Howard asked Robin to open her gift after getting off the script. He told Robin that he loves her and she can tell him the truth if she doesn't like the gift. Howard said some nice words to Robin as she was opening up her gift and she sounded very impressed with what she got. She said it was ''amazing'' and it turned out to be a Prada bag. She told Howard that it's something she's always wanted and would never get for herself. It was a homerun. Howard told her it was the real thing too, not something that he bought on the sidewalk.
Howard opened up the gift that Artie gave to him. He got him a Barney's gift card and Howard said he loved it. Artie admitted that he whimped out and just gave him the gift card instead of a regular gift. Howard said that Beth will end up being the one who uses the card though. Scott the Engineer also gave Howard something big. He opened it up and couldn't figure out what it was. It was some kind of crystal candle holder or a vase. Howard wasn't sure. Artie said it was classy looking and Robin said she thinks he must have spent a couple hundred on that. Scott came in and told Howard there were two in the box, not just one. Scott said that his wife helped him pick it out and he wasn't even sure how much it cost. Howard thinks he was doing that because he wants to go over to the ''new place'' when they move over there. Howard said he's 90 percent sure that he'll be going with them over there. Howard said that he likes that Scott has been nice lately because he wants to go over there so he didn't want to give him a 100 percent guarantee that he'll be going there. Scott came back in to talk about how he got less this year from Robin than he got last year. It was about 40 percent less than last year. Robin said she doesn't remember how much she gives and didn't know that it was less.
Gary gave Howard some picture frames from Dunhill. Howard liked the gift and told him it was a good gift. One of the frames you can flip over so you can put two pictures and just swap them if you have two girlfriends or something. Scott got in a plug for his son's band by saying that he's got free CDs to give away at CDPulse.com. Howard knew that Scott was trying to get that plug on the air and tried to keep it off but he managed to get it on today. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Scott had been trying to get that plug on the air all day yesterday. Robin eventually suggested that Scott has to do goofy stuff to get his plugs on the air from now on.
Howard read Gary's Christmas Card where Gary said some nice things about going to the new place. That led to Howard talking about a big meeting he had with the people over at Sirius. He went to the restaurant Daniele and sat in a part of the place that he didn't even know existed. He only spent a short time talking about the restaurant, not the meeting. Robin asked Howard to open her gift next. Howard pulled it out and found a nice letter opener. It was a sword that went into a crystal and he said it was really nice. He collects letter openers. He said he loved it and it was a nice gift. Robin begged him to open her letter. In the letter she explains that it's called Excalibur and it's from Stuben glass. She told him that it's an old piece and he should keep it in the box to keep the collector value up. Robin said that it cost her $3,000! Robin said that a new one is $4,000! There was another card in the gift but Howard wasn't able to find it. She said that she got Howard this incredible card but it was missing. Howard eventually found it though. He read the note and Robin got all sappy on him. She wrote about Howard's new energy now that he's making his move to Sirius and how she's looking forward to going there with him. She called it ''the promise land.'' Howard said he got goose bumps from the letter and didn't know what to say to her.
Artie said he got an enormous chocolate snowman. Howard said that it was solid chocolate and Artie told him it would take him at least a full day to eat it. Howard thanked Howard for that so Howard wanted to get back to the Christmas special.
Howard let Daniel Carver go after that and took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn. She thanked Howard for everything she's done for the fans all year. She was screeching out the thanks for a few seconds before Howard had to cut her off. Another caller told everyone how much he loves them as well.
Howard mentioned that his last appearance on David Letterman's show will be re-airing on Monday night. That led to Howard talking about how weird the next year is going to be leading up to his move to Sirius. Howard went on to read some of the cards they've gotten for the holidays. They got one from Tony Bennett and one from Vivid Entertainment. That was it though. Howard and Robin talked about how well the Sirius radios were selling from what they've been told. Howard spent a little time talking about the stuff going on over at Sirius and how Mel Karmazin is busy doing all kinds of stuff over there. Howard was hung over after his big dinner with the people from Sirius last night. He didn't have much time to talk about that because he had to get through the rest of his Christmas Special. He took another break so he could get to more of that.
Howard said there was a whole scene going on out in the hall since his girlfriend was there in a special outfit. He said that she told him that she was going to wear something sexy for them. That led to Howard talking about how he had sex with her last night after he hadn't done it in quite a while. He wanted to do it but it turned out she was on her period. He said something did happen but he wasn't sure if he could say it on the air. He said it but the delay button was hit on him. Beth told him not to bring that up on the special but he couldn't resist... and we didn't hear it anyway because of the delay hit.
King of All Blacks called in and said that he had to apologize to his wife for yelling at her last night. He said he didn't hit her or anything but he may have pushed her. Another caller told Howard that the delay was hit earlier when he mentioned the thing with Beth. That got Howard talking about moving to Sirius and how making that move was his Christmas present to himself because he really is ready to leave that place.
Howard spent a little time talking to Big John before taking a break. John told Howard how great his job is being around hot chicks and booze all night. Artie said he's never seen a guy do shots like John does. John said that Chase is the one who gives the best lap dance out of the group. He said the six inch rule doesn't mean anything to her. Chase said that he's not supposed to say that. Howard wrapped up that segment and moved on to the next bit.
Howard said that they got Beth's parents some Sirius radios but he doesn't want them listening because he's going to be even more graphic over there. Howard told Beth that he's still really attracted to her. She was busy saying hello to everyone in the studio and also told Howard that the Scores girls were cute and that they have to go back over there sometime. Beth told Howard how much she loves him and Howard said the same back to her. Meanwhile, Bianca was licking Beth's leg the whole time. Robin wondered what she had on her leg because she was being licked non-stop.
A listener called in and asked Beth if she would ever leave Howard because he doesn't want to have more kids. Beth said that won't happen. The caller asked her how she's going to suck all of his money from him if she doesn't have kids. Bianca was attracting a lot of attention in the studio. She was looking at Robin as if she wanted to go say hello to her.
Howard had Cliff Palate on the phone to say hello. Cliff said that he has some bad news and that he has blood cancer (Leukemia). Howard didn't know he was going to be bumming people out today. Howard tried to get him to cheer everyone up by saying that it's something that they can fix. Cliff said that they told him that they may have caught it in time and will be keeping an eye on it. Howard said he was sorry to hear that and offered to give him a $500 christmas present. Cliff thanked Howard for that and took the gift. Howard prayed for him and asked that he be cured and that he get a tongue that he can use. Howard told Cliff to come and see them because he's worried about him.
Howard thanked Beth for coming in for the Christmas special today. Robin told Howard that she should have come in toward the end of the special because it would have been good way to end it. Beth was telling Howard that he looked hot sitting there in his chair this morning. The two of them talked about how great it's been over the past 4 and a half years being together. Beth said it's been the best 4 and a half years of her life. She thought that Howard would only be with her for about 2 weeks when she first met him. She had no idea he'd still be with her today. Howard took a break so they could move on to more Christmas special stuff.
Cristy works at a Louisville, Kentucky McDonalds and makes about $25,000 a year as a floor supervisor. She said she still works there. Howard read that Randi has made out with chicks so he asked her about that. She said she also has implants and she's got pierced nipples. She said she passed out when she got them pierced. Howard talked to each of the girls about working at the McDonalds stores. One of them said that some people get fired from McDonalds when they hook up in the freezer. She said one girl was caught on camera doing it with another employee. One of the girls said that she wants to be a TV news anchor so Howard said he thinks that Dan Rather went from working at McDonalds to doing the evening news so she should have no problem.
Howard asked the girls a couple of questions about working at McDonalds to find out if they really do work there. He had some questions about the positions at the restaurant and what they do there. They had some interesting terms for the different jobs there. The girls knew a lot of the answers, but not all. He asked the girls if they've heard about the employees doing weird stuff to the food. One of the girls heard about a guy who rubbed some chicken nuggets on his junk and then cooked them. It didn't happen at her store though. The girls said that they're on the web site now, they have a DVD coming out soon and they'll be in Playboy magazine in March. Howard asked the girls to show them their breasts but they weren't interested so he wrapped up the interview.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who told Howard that the Christmas card he created for this charity thing is up to $20,000 on eBay.com. The guy said that Carson Daly's card is only $61. Howard's is the highest priced piece on the list of celebrities. Donald Trump's is only at $900 right now. Hugh Jackman's was at $686 and Howard was wondering who would pay that amount. Howard read through some of the other cards and no one was over $1000 other than his.
Another caller told Howard that he can't give up on his radio show because he will go down in history as having given up on his career after changing the face of radio. Howard told the guy that he's doing just the opposite by moving to satellite. He thinks that FM radio will fail when he moves to satellite because it's a medium that will take over. He told the caller that a bunch of broadcasters recently got together and asked the FCC to enforce indecency standards for satellite radio but the FCC told them it won't happen. Howard said it's the first time that broadcasters have asked for censorship and it's because they don't want to compete with him. Howard said that he's going to destroy his enemies, Clear Channel and the Government, by going to this medium. Howard said he has a prediction for his station for when he leaves. He thinks that they could lose $50 million in ad revenue when he leaves, but he wishes them luck. Howard says that he plans on destroying Clear Channel and moving to Sirius is the first step. The caller wouldn't stop with his comments about history so Howard yelled at him and hung up on him a short time later so he could take a commercial break.
Another knock at the door revealed Evil Dave Letterman. Dave had done some pre-recorded stuff and they threw in some canned laughter. Dave performed ''Leno the Big Chinned Douche Bag'' to the tune of ''Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.'' Dave didn't stick around long after that. Fred had some saxophone music playing in the background so Howard said he wanted to kill him. Gary told him it was Kenny G and Howard killed him off by shooting him (with the help of Fred's sound effects). The guys continued their scripted special and did some more goofy stuff. Howard and all of the other guys performed another song parody where they sang about their favorite things on the show. It really was just as bad as one of those TV specials.
Chaunce told Howard that his dog had given his middle finger oral out in the hallway. Howard said she was just licking him. Chaunce was there to give Howard the best gift every in his opinion. Howard heard that he was out handing out ''Steppin Out'' wool hats out in the hall. Chaunce told Howard that Ronnie told him that his life was in jeopardy there in the hall so he wondered what that was about. Ronnie said that Big John from Scores was there and he was drunk. Ronnie thinks that if John had seen Chaunce, he would have killed him. The two of them argued for a couple of minutes and then Chaunce asked to perform a song parody about Ronnie. He wrote and performed ''Ronnie the Red Nosed Limo Driver'' with no backup music. Ronnie kept interrupting him, trying to make him stop.
Chaunce told Howard he went on this web site where you type in the vitals for a person and they suggest gift ideas. He typed in Tom Chiusano's vitals and they suggested a bible and a money clip. Chaunce then gave Howard his gift which was an Ol' Dirty Bastard CD that doesn't come out until January 4th. He also had his ''perfect gift'' that he handed to Howard. Tom Chiusano came in and told Howard that Chaunce really is the most annoying guest they have and complained about the lies he makes up and how he annoys everyone there. Howard opened his gift which was a DC Comics Encyclopedia. Howard said that he has many copies of it and he doesn't ever read books about comic books. He threw it right in the garbage. Ronnie went over and kicked it across the room after that. Chaunce said that was like a $100 gift. He couldn't believe that they were doing that. Ronnie got his hands on a hacksaw and tried cutting it up. Chaunce said that he hates everyone there and can't believe they did that. He was laughing as he said it though.
Howard had Mike get to his game after that so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Zolar called in and told Howard that Tom had hit the dump button on him earlier in the show when he was talking to Wendy the Retard. Howard told Zolar that they have a maximum of a year left before moving to satellite so they just have to stick in there for a while. He wrapped up the segment after that and told Chaunce that he couldn't stick around during the news and kicked him out as he went to break.
Howard suggested that people go to his web site to check out some pictures of Chaunce's book being sawed in half. It's in the new ''Vagina Corner'' section of his site. Howard said that Tom told him that they're going to re-air the Christmas Special on Christmas morning during Best Of.
Doug Herwitz from Howard's web site called in to talk about some of the stuff they have coming up for the web site. He said they'll have a reviews section and an Ask Fred section as well. Howard is looking forward to the Fred thing.
Sean the White Rapper was supposed to be on the phone but he wasn't there when Howard picked it up. Gary came in and told Howard that Sean is trying to get on the show so he was dropping names when he was talking to him at a pub crawl he was doing last night. He said the guy is kind of annoying but he wasn't bothering him all that much. Robin started her news a short time later. A little later in the show Sean was on the phone and said that Gary wasn't drinking all that much last night. He went on to plug his album Rugged Man which is available at Tower Records. Howard let him go after talking to him for a minute or so.
Shuli called in and wished everyone happy holidays and thanked them for some great shows. He said he can't wait for Howard to move because it's going to be great. Shuli said that he'll be seeing Artie out in Vegas the night before the Super Bowl. Vinnie Favale also called in and told Howard that today was a great show and it just shows people what they'll be missing if they don't follow him over to satellite. Vinnie thanked Howard for the gift he gave him and his wife because it was great. He thanked Howard for everything he's done for him and pointed out that today is basically the year countdown until Howard's last day on terrestrial radio. Vinnie also let people know that it's not next Monday that they'r rerunning the Letterman show with Howard on it, it's the Monday after Christmas, December 27th.
A couple of other callers gave their holiday wishes. One of them was Bong Hit Bill who sang a song about himself to the tune of ''Jingle Bells.'' Robin wrapped up her news after that and they ended the show, and live shows for 2004, around 10:50 this morning. They will return live in 2005!