Howard started off the show talking about the Train song that was playing as the show began. He remembered the performance that day because of what was going on there in Las Vegas as Train was performing. Artie was totally wasted and was being wheeled away in a wheelchair while they were playing.
Gary put a copy of Stuff Magazine in front of him as he was starting off the show and it got him horny. It was the Jolene Blalock cover and she's the most attractive woman he's ever seen, at least after his girlfriend. He was talking about that and was interrupted with a message about his breakfast just getting there a little late. He got sidetracked with that for a few seconds and then got back to Jolene Blalock. He said she's hotter than even Pamela Anderson. Robin asked him if he thought she was airbrushed at all. He wasn't sure if she was untouched but she sure looked good to him. Howard read a quote from her in the article and she says that it's hot that Howard Stern talks about her. He read a little bit of the article and showed the guys and Robin the hot pictures of her in the magazine. Even Fred agreed that she was extremely hot even though he finds Angelina Jolie to be one of the hottest women around. He said that you could take Jolene home to meet mom but you can't do that with Angelina.
Artie said that he finds Playboy Playmate Jennifer Walcott to be the hottest chick around. Howard heard that Artie was on the bulletin board recently but Artie said he hasn't touched his computer in weeks. Jeff Schick told Howard that he was on there chatting with people and his thread was very busy. He hasn't been on lately though. Howard had a lot of stuff to comment on but he had to eat his breakfast so he took a break first.
After the call Howard said that they really did get a call from Governor McGreevey's press secretary about a week ago. They were wondering if Howard wanted to talk to him about stem cell research. Howard was all for it and they were going to book him to do the show. Thursday morning they were supposed to have him on as a guest. This was the same day that McGreevey made the big announcement that he's gay and that he was resigning from office. Gary came in to tell Howard about what had happened but Howard picked up on the fact that he wasn't shaving for some reason. Gary told him that he was going to be shooting some new press photos tomorrow and they're going to do a mug shot concept. Howard wondered why he would do something like that. It turns out it was Ralph Cirella who came up with the idea. Howard had him get back to the McGreevey story after talking about that for a minute.
Gary said they were set to go right up until Wednesday night. They were thinking of setting it up for this week instead but then all hell broke loose when McGreevey broke his news. Artie said that McGreevey redecorated all of the DMV offices in the state so that may have been a little bit of a hint. The guys talked about some of the other things about him that made people think he might be gay.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and told Howard some jokes that are going around about McGreevey now that he's come out of the closet. He told him some jokes that he's heard about him. They weren't all that funny so the guys made fun of Chaunce's delivery. Howard said that Chaunce could take over for Craig Kilborn because he was so funny. Howard then did his impression of Jay Leno and told some of those lame jokes.
Chaunce told Howard about how he heard Captain Janks make a prank call last week during some coverage of the hurricane Charley damage. Howard didn't have that call but he did have one of Janks calling C-Span that they played recently. He replayed that one quickly and then got back to the Governor McGreevey stuff.
Howard said he first heard about the McGreevey story from his buddy Ross Zapin. He was instant messaged by Ross and then turned on the TV to watch the coverage. Governor McGreevey's wife looked good to him and he thought that McGreevey was smiling while he was making this announcement. He figures that he's probably relieved that he's finally able to get this off his chest. That led to Howard talking about the lengths people will go to cover up their homosexuality. He talked about how this can destroy the lives of McGreevey's children and wives. It's got a lot to do with the religious views of people in this country who think that homosexuality is so wrong. He believes that it embarrasses people so much that they try to cover everything up and end up marrying straight women to cover up.
Howard said that people were upset that McGreevey had given a job to someone who was unqualified for a job in his cabinet. Howard said that happens all the time though so it should be no surprise to anyone that someone in government does something like that. Now it turns out the guy he gave this job to may have been his gay lover. Howard pointed out that President Clinton was going to get Monica Lewinsky a job and that's just the way things are done in government. People get into office and hire their friends. That's just the way it is.
Howard spent a little more time talking about politicians and the jobs they give out to their friends once they get into office. They brought up some other stories about people in the past who have done similar things. There was one senator who gave a job to a stripper even though she wasn't able to even type. Gary was wondering if McGreevey's wife had any idea this was going on. Howard figures that women like that are in denial and will never admit that the guy is gay. Robin said that people in his first wife's family are saying that they knew. Howard pointed out the haircut he has and how gay that looks. He figures that McGreevey will have a better life now that he's come out of the closet. He doesn't know much about the guy other than this.
Howard went out to dinner on Thursday night and was asked if he was watching the Olympics. He wasn't watching them but accidentally went past them on MSNBC and caught a little bit of the coverage. He thought he was watching something old though. He did end up getting caught up in some boxing coverage. There was a black guy and a ''Chinaman'' going at it. He figured there was no way a ''Chinaman'' could possibly beat one of ''our blacks.'' The black guys here in the States are very angry and there was no way he'd be beat. He was right and the Chinese guy ended up losing. He talked about how good this light skinned black guy was in the ring. He figured the only guy who could beat him is another black guy.
Robin pointed out that the USA basketball team was beaten by the Puerto Rican team. The guys spent a short time talking about that game and how they don't have ''the best'' players playing in those games. Artie said that they really do have some good guys playing in the game though. Gary said that the olympic game is a little different than NBA ball. The game is more of a team sport in the Olympics and our team wasn't really a team. The team was just a bunch of guys from different teams that were put together to create a team.
Dominic Barbara called in and pointed out the fact that it may have been Jim McGreevey who took away the rest stop that Governor Whitman named after Howard years ago. Artie thought that he was right and it was McGreevey who shut that down because there was too much gay stuff going on at the rest stop.
A caller asked Howard if he could come up to the studio to meet him. He's a virgin and just wanted to meet Howard. Howard didn't sound interested in meeting him though. He told the guy that he'd feel kind of gay if he had him up there so he gave him an assignment. If he can find a hot chick to bring up to the studio, he'd let him come up. After that call Howard said he got confirmation that it was McGreevey who took away his rest stop.
Zolar called in and told Howard that he was the one posting as Artie yesterday on the bulletin board. He said he managed to figure out his password as well as Beetlejuice's. Zolar said he did get High Pitch Erik's account password and said that he was coming out of the closet. Zolar changed all the passwords to his own. He got a bunch of the wack pack members names and passwords and posted on the board as those people. Howard said the guys at Dreamtank have to have different passwords for the people there on the board because they do talk to other people. Zolar was asking them to get him his name and password so he can get on the board as himself again. He says people miss him over there. Howard went to commercial break shortly after that.
Howard has gotten a lot of e-mail about John the Stutterer's appearance last week. John the Stutterer's fight was called off by Howard on Thursday. Some people were happy that they called it off, some were pissed. A couple of people wrote in about Fred finally waking up during John's segment. There were some other e-mails about that segment and how great it was when Artie and Fred were doing their impressions. Of course there were also people who were upset with Fred for talking over John the Stutterer. Some people don't think that John should ever be on the show.
Howard got some mail about the Pam Anderson pictures that were up on the web site last week. Someone complained about the picture of Ralph that was thrown in with the Pam pictures. A few other people wrote in about how ugly Ralph was in the picture. There was one e-mail about how great Robin's nephew was on the show last week. Of course there were some people who were upset that they brought up Robin's sexual past while talking to her nephew. Howard apologized to Robin but she said she's going to do the same thing to his kids when they come on the show in the future.
Richard Christy used some of Robin's book on tape recordings to create a new bit. It was ''An Intimate Moment with Robin Ophelia Quivers.'' After playing that Howard read an e-mail from a woman who finds Christy's voice to be sexy but asked that they get him a face transplant. The person suggested that he might want to wear a welder's mask or something.
Last week Howard mentioned an article that Jason wrote about what goes on during the commercial breaks there at the station. Fred ended up getting pissed off at Jason so someone suggested that the two of them get in the boxing ring. It would be a new ''Freddy vs. Jason'' fight. Howard said they'll talk about that at a later date.
Scott the Engineer has written an article for HowardStern.com about how people there at the station have dissed him. He sent out an e-mail invitation to a bunch of people but most people there didn't bother to open the e-mail. Howard said he opened the e-mail but didn't respond to it. Scott said he can tell when people open the e-mail and most people just deleted his mail.
Howard got back to the e-mail and read one about Fred coming out against Stuttering John and how they're glad he's gone from the show. Fred was right to go off on John last week according to many. Those people were glad to finally hear Fred speaking out against something... or just speaking at all.
An e-mailer wrote in and pointed out that the F-word was let out twice on NBC during the Olympics last week. Howard wondered if the FCC is going to fine them for that. Don't count on it.
Howard and Robin talked about the Olympics and how disturbing the athletic girls look when they posed for Playboy. He said that the pictures just aren't sexy or hot to him. They spent a couple of minutes on that. Howard brought up how the U.S. athletes have been getting beaten so bad. Howard mentioned one story about how there's an Iranian Judo expert who refuses to fight a Jewish Judo expert and talked about that for a short time.
Howard brought up Craig Kilborn and how he has quit his show. He heard some stories about how he had demanded an outrageous amount of money to stay at CBS. He said that Kilborn doesn't beat Conan O'Brien but CBS does make a lot of money with that time slot. He heard that Kilborn was offered more money but not the amount that he wanted. That's when he quit. Howard knows some guys who write for Kilborn and they told him that the guy has never written a thing but he claims that he's going to go out and work on his writing career. Howard thinks that the guy blew the job of a lifetime because he only had to work a few hours on a show where it didn't matter what kind of ratings he got.
Howard had a phony Governor McGreevey on the line. They had slowed down Robin's tape to make it sound like an effeminate man reading from her book. They also had Richard Christy on the line as McGreevey's press secretary.
Howard had Captain Janks on the line to play his latest prank call to CNN during the Hurricane Charley coverage. Janks called in as a member of an emergency management team. Janks does an amazing job of impersonating an official and manages to stay on the line long enough to get out a line about how the hurricane is a blast of wind from Howard Stern's ass. Howard said that Janks is really good at being a spokesperson.
Howard ripped through a couple of phone calls after that. One guy told Artie how the movie ''Dirty Work'' sucked. Another guy told Howard that his show has had the dump button hit 3 times this morning already. Howard told the caller that it's a regular thing now and it's because the FCC is after his show and how they need to get Bush and his administration out in the upcoming election.
John did the Tonight Show with Pam Anderson on Friday night. Howard asked him about that and what kind of material he did on that show. John said he used some of the same material on there that he did on Last Comic Standing and got some mail about how he's using the same material. John said he goes on message boards and reads about himself. He can't believe that people take the time and effort to write such negative stuff about him. Howard told him he can't read that stuff because it brings you down. He talked about how he goes on his own message board and it's only the negative stuff you remember. John said there are people that campaign against him on the message boards.
Howard asked about one of the other comics that was in the finals. Jay London made it to the final six but Howard didn't see the final shows so he had no idea. John said that he was making pretty good money as a comic but now he's gotten a development deal with NBC and a comedy special on Comedy Central. There really wasn't much of a celebration for his win on Last Comic Standing. He doesn't get any big dollar prize or anything. Howard said that's kind of cheap and chintzy on NBC's part. He said ''shame on them'' for that and to Jay Mohr he gave a ''shame on him'' because he's a producer of the show and he's probably making some good money.
John said that he just got married a week ago and there are people on the message boards writing about her. He said that she read some of that stuff and got kind of upset about that stuff. Artie said he knows John and he was dating a hot chick a few years ago. The woman he married isn't the same chick though. John told Howard that his wife is a 5'10'' part-Asian chick. They talked about her for a short time. Howard also read John's bio and how he was Danny Bonaduce's sidekick for a while when he had his radio show. He got fired within the first 2 weeks. John said that Danny fired him and asked ''Who hired the f'ing'' mute?'' John said he even got punched by Danny a few times. He has some anger problems according to Howard. He said that Danny used to challenge him to fights all the time years ago but he never took him up on those challenges.
John told Howard that Danny once slapped him so hard that he gave him a concussion. He actually went out and bought a VCR, brought it home and was asked by his girlfriend why he bought the thing. John said he told her that he didn't buy one but it was sitting right there. Howard took some phone calls after that and let people ask John some questions. One guy asked John if anyone wanted to bang Tammy Pescatelli. John said that you never want to bang chicks like that when you're in comedy because you might have to work with them again some day. Another caller asked John how gay Ant was in the house during the show. John said that he could never be gay because it takes an extreme amount of energy to be that gay.
John brought up something that Howard had mentioned earlier when he was reading e-mail. Howard had mentioned how he gets e-mail about generic Viagra all the time so John said that he actually went online and got some. He tried it one night without telling his girlfriend about it but he never got to bang her. Some more people called in and asked John some questions. One guy brought up Last Comic Standing and how they really don't get cash prizes for their win. John said that the next season will have bigger cash prizes but he may not win that one.
A woman asked John about being on The Tonight Show with Pam Anderson and how that went. John only got a hand shake from Pam so howard quickly told him about how he was over in Pam's hotel room a couple of weeks back hanging out with her. After that he congratulated John on his win and started to wrap up the segment.
Chaunce Hayden called in and asked John if he regrets crying on the show. John said that he cried in the first house episode of the show when he beat a good friend of his in the comic challenge. Chaunce was asking the question because he ended up crying on Howard's show when he was trying out for Stuttering John's job. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later and gave John a couple of plugs for his upcoming appearances and for his web site JohnHeffron.com.
Howard mentioned Craig Kilborn quitting and how his 3 fans are holding a candle light vigil tonight because of that. He said you can find out more about that by calling 1-900-LOSER. The guys talked about how the President went down to Florida to see the damage that hurricane Charley did down there. Howard joked that when the President was told what Charley did, he said he hoped they caught the guy eventually.
Howard replayed the latest song parody from Dan the Song Parody Man that he played earlier featuring John the Stutterer's many stutters from last week. Howard then welcomed back Miami since they're back on in that area as of this morning. He took a phone call from a guy who welcomed him back to the area but then complained about how the delay button has been hit many times already. Howard explained to the caller how things have changed since they were on down there and how they have been censoring his show like crazy over the past 6 months or so. Howard got a memo from Anne Marie about the stuff that was censored last week and some of it just doesn't make any sense. He says he's going to stay with his company until his contract is up so if this new indecency law is signed into effect, he's just going to be playing music on the air. Howard was wondering what he was saying this morning that was getting the delay button hit so much. He wasn't sure if it was his people doing it or the people at WQAM hitting the button.
Gary came in and told Howard that they have only hit the button twice this morning early in the show. Howard figures it's the guys in Florida doing it but he asked everyone to hang in there and told them that they have to get Bush out of office because of this stuff. That led to Howard talking about stem cell research. Tom Chiusano came in when that came up and how one of the Mets coaches was saved from bone cancer because of a procedure that was based on stem cell research. Howard talked about how dumb President Bush and his wife are about that stuff. He said Laura Bush was on Larry King's show talking to him about stem cell research and she just showed how dopey she is talking about it.
Howard read through some of the stuff that was bleeped last Thursday. He read one line that was censored because they used the N-word. Tom told Howard that they got a complaint about something that was similar to the line they said so they had to dump out of it. Howard didn't know that another one of the words that they use on the show has been dumped out of. Howard told Tom that the word was made up but Tom said they've been bleeping it for years. Tom said that even the word ''anal'' gets bleeped depending on the context that it's used in. Howard asked Tom to just release him from his contract today so he can get out of this hell he's in. He feels that he's being held against his will now that all of this nonsense is going on. He wants to get out and go write like Craig Kilborn is going to do.
Howard had the phony Governor McGreevey back on the line to make an announcement. The guy announced that he's a nose picker and he was picking his nose right there. Howard suggested that the person who wrote that might want to join Craig Kilborn.
Eric said he talked to Richard Christy about hooking him up with the McMahons to try and get him the chance to meet with them to see if he can get a job. Howard said he wouldn't do that for him if he's not going to call in anymore. Howard then played some of Eric's calls to the show and some of the bits that they have played on the show. He played the bit Richard Christy created using Eric's voice to make a prank call to Gary the Retard. Howard said that's his favorite. Eric was still there so Howard said he had another Eric the Midget on the other line. They had clips of Eric talking the real Eric and you couldn't tell the difference between the two.
Captain Janks called in and said that Eric has been calling in for only about a year now. Janks has been making prank calls for the past 15 years and he's had family members disown him because of it. Now he's going to make prank calls and use Eric's name when he calls into CNN and other shows.
Richard Christy came in and told Eric that they were going to try and work something out with the WWE people to see if they can get him a job. Howard wanted to hear the prank call Richard made to Eric but they weren't able to find it quick enough. Howard bailed out on the call with Eric and suggested that the guys try to find a way to organize the bits that they can't keep track of.
Howard played a clip from NBC's coverage of the Olympics where the F-word slipped out a couple of times live on the air. Howard suggested that people write in to the FCC and try to get them fined for that. He then took a call from a woman who said that she finds Artie to be really hot. She went on to tell Howard that in the opening images of the games there was a shot of a bare breast. Gary came in and said that he and his kids were watching and no one even noticed it so it wasn't a big deal. Howard said that the whole Janet Jackson thing was no big deal either but they made a big deal out of it. Now people should make a big deal about the NBC thing.
A listener called in and asked Howard what his favorite movies were. He said that his favorite porn movies are Tera Patrick's ''Tera, Tera, Tera'' and Jenna Jameson's ''The Masseuse.'' He said his favorite regular movie is ''The Godfather.''
Howard was reading a list of people who were on the list of people to replace Craig Kilborn. He saw the name Amy Sedaris and didn't have any idea who she was. Artie had to explain to him that she was on a show called ''Strangers with Candy'' but Howard had never seen the show. Artie also said he heard that Norm MacDonald was up for that job. The guys spent a couple more minutes on that and then had to take a break.
Howard heard that one of the NASCAR guys crapped his pants during a race. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and explained what happened during the race and how the guy got out of his car after winning the race and ran to his trailer right after. The announcer said that they had to get the guy a new fire suit. Ronnie said he crapped himself while driving a limo at one time. He quickly reminded Howard about that after he was asked about it.
Captain Janks called in with his first Eric the Midget prank call. He got in a call to C-Span where he just yelled out ''Eric the Midget sucks!'' Janks says that this is just the first of many Eric the Midget calls to come. Howard took a couple more phone calls before Robin's news. The guy who called in early this morning trying to get up to meet him called back and said he wasn't able to find a hot chick to bring up with him. Howard told him as soon as he can make that happen, he can come up.
There were a few people from Pittsburgh there to give Howard a petition that they signed. Howard didn't get the whole thing but he let these guys Eric and Jason come in with the petition. The guys told Howard that there was a listening party at the station that put Howard back on in Pittsburgh the first morning he was back. They did it without Howard's approval so they ended up getting some negative press about it because there was a low turnout. No one wants to get up that early in the morning to hang out at the radio station. They all signed this petition that they're calling the ''Declaration of Howard's Freedom.'' All of the people who signed the thing, and there were only about 5, had their names thrown into a drawing for the chance to visit Howard. That's how these two guys won the chance. Howard asked to see this thing that they brought with them. It was about 20 feet long and it only had about 5 signatures on it. They read some of the stuff they had written on the long scroll. Howard got a hold of it and threw it right in the garbage. He wondered who would do something like that. Howard gave the guys the scroll back and told them to give it to a homeless guy to use for burning or something. Howard thanked the guys for coming up and sent them on their way a short time later.
Howard took a call from a woman in Ft. Lauderdale who just wanted to welcome them back to the area. Another woman said that she went to see Artie at Stand-up New York on Friday night and he got on stage drunk and ended up getting dragged off stage by the bouncer. Artie said he hardly did any of his act and got pissed off at something. He refused to leave the stage and just kept pretending the microphone was a penis and he was Jim McGreevey. The caller said the audience just felt bad for Artie because it just wasn't funny. Howard wondered why Artie would abuse the audience like that. Artie just showed up to the gig that night but he wasn't on the bill. The woman said that it was billed as the Howard Stern crew.
KC came in and said that Artie wasn't on the bill and they didn't promote it like that. Artie just showed up and hung out with Rev. Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) and decided to do a couple of minutes on stage. He yelled at the woman and she ended up hanging up after he called her a dumb bitch. High Pitch Erik called in and said he bought Artie a drink but while he was telling the story, his phone kept cutting out.
Howard asked Artie if he thinks he has a problem drinking when he ends up doing stuff like this. Artie told him he doesn't believe he has a drinking problem and he's not drinking too much. Howard told him he thinks he is drinking too much though. He should have a few drinks and not drink to the point where he almost passes out. Howard said he might have to talk to Artie off the air about this stuff. Artie swears that he's fine and he doesn't think that it's a lot of drinks. KC said that Artie can handle the drinks pretty well and he can pull it together even after all of the drinks. Howard cut him off and said that Artie doesn't see that 15 drinks in one night is excessive. Artie admitted that it is excessive and that he's trying to drown out something in his life. He said he's never really been a happy guy and that's why he drinks so much. He also admitted that he is an alcoholic.
Artie has put together a DVD with his stand-up act on it and he's hoping that it sells well so he can get off the road. He doesn't want to keep doing gigs on the road because he hates it. That's what leads him to drinking. Howard suggested that he only drink about 5 drinks when he does a show. Artie said that he has to kill time in his life and that's why he has to drink. He also told Howard that he and Dana may be over as well. He said that their relationship is critically damaged and things aren't going well. He says that he's a scumbag and she's the best chick he's ever met in his life. Robin told him that she was a great person and he has to go back to her.
Gary said that he has spoken to Artie about this and tried to point out that it's the drinking that drives people away from him. Artie believes he has it under control but he should realize that the reason Dana could be leaving him is because of the drinking. Artie said he finds life to be boring and he has nothing better to do than drink. He went out and did the comedy thing because he was bored. He said that he's the happiest he's ever been in his life but he's still bored and depressed. He said that he enjoys life though.
Howard said that Artie loves food and baseball so he does have hobbies. Scott DePace came in and said that he goes out to eat with Artie like twice a week and he's always talking this way. Artie went on to say that he believes that this job will end badly and people will hate him afterward. He said that his only motivation now is money. When he started on the show he didn't care about money and now all he cares about is the money. He doesn't care about anything now and that's why he's so depressed. Artie hates to see himself on TV because he thinks he's grotesque. Howard told him he does look better than he does so he's not that grotesque.
Howard told Artie about his day yesterday trying to help him out with getting some hobbies. He said he woke up and a friend came over. He woke up next to Beth to start off with. Artie told him he already had him beat. He didn't wake up with Dana because their relationship is on the rocks. A woman called in and told Artie to go to AA and change his life. Artie insists that he's happier than ever but he knows that he's on the show because he's just a loser who tells loser stories. Howard told him that he knows funny and Artie is funny.
Howard has been down in his life and he does wake up happier now. He attributes that to the fact that he goes to therapy. He appreciates stuff in his life more now than he did in the past because of the therapy. Artie then told Howard that he had more fun than ever on Saturday playing whiffle ball with his younger cousins. He had a great time but when it was over, he drove home to no one and watched The Big Lebowski for the fourth time. Howard told him he needs to find someone to have in his life because it seems that he hates to be alone. But then again he drives people away from him so he really needs to get some therapy. Howard talked about how therapy helped him out and how he thinks Artie could be helped if he went. Artie doesn't want to go to therapy because he doesn't feel anything. He doesn't experience any joy in his life. Gary told him he can't just brush this stuff off like he is. He also pointed out that Howard thinks he's funny so he has to respect that.
Artie told Howard that he turned down two sitcoms this year for an extraordinary amount of money. It would have been creatively painful to be there but it would have meant a lot of money. He could have taken that job and the show will probably be on for years. He could make enough money to life the rest of this life but he would have to leave Howard's show. He doesn't want to leave Howard's show though so he turned it down. Howard said that shows that he just wants to be happy at his job and he's dedicated to it. Artie has options and there's nothing wrong with that according to Howard. Artie said that if he moved back to L.A. To do that show, he'd be drinking every night. It would be too much show business and too many phony people. He doesn't like that kind of stuff. He enjoys working on Howard's show but he's still not happy.
Two women called in during this discussion and said that they wanted to come up to the station. They said that they're 23-24 years old and they're both really hot. They came out from Las Vegas and wanted to come up to see them. They both said that they wanted to be with Artie but then they blew it and said that they don't want to be with him sexually. That didn't help things for Artie. Ralph called in a short time later and told Artie that he really should go to therapy because he thinks that it would help. Ralph said he has something inside that he's got to get out. He asked him about Dana and how he screwed that up. Artie said a lot of that had to do with what happened out in Las Vegas. He got really drunk and did things that he doesn't usually do. Artie said he just sort of let Dana go. He didn't fight for her. Howard had to cut everyone off because he had to take a break. Artie kept insisting that he doesn't have a problem even as they were going to break.
After the break Howard asked Artie where he went during the break. Artie was out playing ''pepper'' in the hall. He didn't go to an AA meeting like they'd hoped he would. Artie talked about how he has gone to an AA meeting in the past and you just think that the room full of people would have made for a great party a year before, now it's just a room full of self righteous people.
Robin got on with her news after that and talked about everything from Charlie Watts of the Rolling Stones getting throat cancer to more news about Governor James McGreevey coming out of the closet. Artie got back to normal during the break and helped liven up the news when he did some impressions of George Takei during the Governor McGreevey news. Robin wrapped up her news around 11:05 am.
Howard started off the show talking about The Cabbie show that they got to hear right before starting his show. Cabbie has a lot of stuff going on in his life and he shared it with Howard, Artie and the other guys. Cabbie came back into the studio to share some of those stories. Howard pointed out that Cabbie created the term ''Be Envied'' for the Trim Spa people. He's also looking to get the afternoon shift on Howard's station. Howard said he would listen if Cabbie got the job. Howard said that his friend and former K-Rock deejay Chris Booker would like the job as well. The guys talked about Booker's girlfriend Linda Lopez for a short time as well. Cabbie says that Booker doesn't really like him but Howard wasn't sure about that. There may have been a time when he didn't like him but he's not sure how he feels now.
Cabbie said that he would be willing to do afternoons for the same money he's been getting paid on his overnight shift just to show them that he can get the ratings now. His former co-host Cane was fired and has moved on to do more TV stuff like ''Cold Pizza'' on ESPN. Howard seems to think that Cabbie is good when it comes to revelations on his show.
Howard said that Cabbie came in and told Artie that he's an addict first thing this morning. Cabbie said he'd like to get ripped up with Artie on Jack and water sometime. Howard thought he was sober. Cabbie has had a few beers here and there so he's not completely sober. Howard reminded him that he's done some things in the past and he shouldn't be drinking. Cabbie knows all of that.
Cabbie says that he has heard from friends who are in the Army that Osama bin Laden has been caught but they're waiting to make the announcement until closer to election time. Cabbie's friend is still over in Iraq serving in the Rangers. Howard said that Cabbie will eventually be right because they will eventually catch Osama. He said that it's just like saying that the Pope will eventually die.
A listener called in and complained about the music that they play on Howard's station. They keep playing the same blocks of music every afternoon. Cabbie said that's not true and they add new music all the time. Another caller said that he voted for Cabbie for the Get John's Job contest because he always has something to add to the show. The guy then thanked Howard for making a great show every day. Howard thought that Cabbie came in last in the contest so Cabbie reminded him that he beat both Joey Boots and Shuli in that contest.
Another caller told Cabbie that he's not sober if he's drinking ''a few beers.'' Cabbie went on to say that he's an adult and he can drink once in a while if he wants. Howard was wondering if Cabbie is still on medication for his mental health. Cabbie left his therapist about a year ago and got off the meds. He was having some problems dealing with his birth mother and there was just too much going on at the time. He hasn't spoken to his mother in quite a while now. Howard told Cabbie that he's kind of like Artie in a way because he can't connect to people. Cabbie said he knows what his problem is. He claims that he's a quiet, lonely person and he doesn't get close to people.
Double A called in and said that he likes Cabbie and misses hearing him on the afternoons. He's on too late for him now. Joey Boots called in and said that he hopes that Cabbie does get the afternoon shift because that way, he won't be on in the mornings. Boots also said that Richard Christy is the worst thing for the show and he keeps doing the same stuff over and over because he's a one trick pony. Cabbie said that Boots lives in his mother's basement and called him a loser. Boots says that he doesn't live in his mother's basement and makes $45,000 a year on his own. Howard said this is the kind of stuff that goes on over on his bulletin board. Cabbie said he's been staying away from the bulletin board because it's addictive and people just keep saying the same stuff over and over again. He said they call him a loser and a fag and he already knows that. Boots told Howard that he feels threatened by him. Cabbie didn't understand that because he knows that he'll be a star one day and Boots isn't going anywhere. Boots and Cabbie went at each other for a couple more minutes before Boots got off the line.
Another caller from the Portland, Oregon area gave a shout out to the station out there and then said that he voted for Cabbie in the ''Get John's Job'' contest. Another caller said that Cabbie is just horrible and Artie is the best on the show. Yet another guy called in and said that Cabbie is full of crap talking about his friend who is in the Army Rangers because the numbers don't match up on the guy's age. Cabbie told the guy he doesn't know his friend and he's not lying about it. Howard had to wrap up and take a break after that. He told Cabbie that he talks so much that he's not sure that Cabbie even knows what he just talked about. That led to Artie doing his rambling impression of Cabbie to the circus music that they play during that bit. He went over about 50 different subjects in the half hour he was in the studio and Artie covered almost all of them.
Howard took a few more phone calls and let some people talk to Artie and Cabbie. One guy said that he's scared for Artie because of his drinking. Artie is still insisting that he's just fine, even after yesterday's intervention. Artie said he got some calls from people yesterday at home wishing him the best. Jeff the Drunk and Mariann from Brooklyn called and spoke to him about what went on. He said he'd put that on tape for Howard to play on the air. Howard said that most people probably missed what went on late in the show yesterday. They almost had an intervention with Artie about his drinking very late in the show. Howard said he'd play that bit back so people can hear it. He seems to think that Artie was a bit uncomfortable after that whole thing yesterday. Artie broke up with his girlfriend Dana and Howard didn't know that until yesterday.
Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said he got a lot of phone calls from cop friends who told him that Artie should be on suicide watch after the way he was talking during that intervention yesterday. Cabbie seems to think that Artie could be back on cocaine if he's breaking up with his girlfriend. Artie said that's not the case though. Howard went on to tell a story about how ARtie gave him a copy of the DVD he's putting out featuring his stand-up comedy act. Howard was going to watch it but the disk he got didn't play in any of his DVD players. Artie thought he was pulling his leg and just didn't want to say how bad it was. Howard really couldn't get it to work so he needs another copy of it. Howard was being told that he had to take a break during his conversation so he had to wrap it up. Cabbie figured that it's because Tom Chiusano hates him that he wanted them to wrap up the segment. Tom Chiusano came in and said that he doesn't hate Cabbie even though he thinks he does. He also said he finds it disturbing that Cabbie is drinking again. Howard told Tom that he should give Cabbie the afternoon job. Tom said he would listen to Cabbie in the afternoon shift if he was there. Cabbie just wants some ratings bonuses if he gets that job. If he can't get them huge ratings, they can fire him in a year. Howard had to go to break after that but Cabbie wouldn't let him stop. He got in a few plugs for their sponsor Hemmorrelief before Howard finally went to commercial.
Howard had the Top 5 songs to play. He said that number 5 was ''Lean Back'' by Terror Squad. He cut himself off there to talk about an article he read in one of the local newspapers. He said that a 3 year old toddler died at a movie theater when he choked on a piece of popcorn. Howard said he doesn't mean to racial stereotype but a lot of black folks like to take their infants to the movies. He doesn't understand why they want to do that. They actually took the 3 year old to the movie ''Alien vs. Predator.'' Robin told Howard that she went to a movie over the weekend and saw a family bring in a stroller to the theater. There were a bunch of other people who brought their kids with them to the movies and it was ridiculous. Howard said that people should leave their kids at home when they go to movies.
Big Black called in and told Howard that his show is off the hook this morning. He then told Howard about the song that he had just played, ''Lean Back'' and how the hook in the song had the word ''nigga'' in it. Howard knew this because they had just played it. Big Black said that the delay confused him because by the time he got to the phone he didn't know that they had played it. Howard played a little more of the song and tried to figure out what they were singing about. Howard thought the song was pretty good. Artie said that the real geniuses behind those songs are the producers who come up with the music. Howard demonstrated the ''Lean Back'' move that the song was about but Robin and Artie told him he wasn't doing it right.
Howard played the number 4 song, but the delay got hit on it because it was one of their song parodies about KC. Cabbie called in and said that the guy who sings ''Lean Back'' is this guy Fat Joe. He ran into the guy one time and he's a fan of Howard's. Howard said they should get him on the show. The real number 4 song was missing so Howard got a little upset with KC for not numbering them. KC came in and said that he gave everything to Scott in the right order. A minute later Scott came in and yelled at him saying that he did everything right. KC said he knows that he should check his work. That led to the guys talking about Scott's rant over at HowardStern.com where he complains about people not opening his e-mail invitations to his son's CD party. Howard heard from Vinnie Favale who says he's writing a rebuttal to the whole thing because no one wants to get an e-mail invitation. If he was serious about the invitation, he would have sent out real invitations. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that he told Scott not to send out e-mail invitations, he could just print up real invitations and hand them out there at the station. Gary then came in and said that he's been told that Scott sends out a lot of e-mails about his son's band so they just end up ignoring them. While he was talking Fred was playing a bunch of Sal the Stockbroker's song parodies about him.
Howard got back to the awful songs in the Top 5 songs. It turned out that ''Lean Back'' was number 1, not number 5. Howard got pissed and wanted to bail out on the whole thing. He said the real number 1 was one of Richard Christy's song parodies about KC. They played Cabbie's girlfriend's song parody about KC being gay as well. KC was trying to defend himself and explain what happened. Howard didn't want to hear it and told him he screwed everything up. He said that Scott is never happier than when other people are getting yelled at. Scott and KC went at each other's throats for a minute but Howard cut them off and told both of them to get things straight. He shouldn't have to be involved in that stuff.
Howard was disgusted with Scott and KC and even Gary even though he had nothing to do with it. He complained about Gary's unshaven look for a minute as well. It was depressing to him to see his gray facial hair. KC told Howard that he has a huge announcement to make later in the show. He couldn't say what it was right then though. Howard wondered if it's a Governor McGreevey-like announcement.
Jessica Hahn called in and told Howard how compelling the show was yesterday when they were talking to Artie. She said after the show she went on the bulletin board even though she doesn't have an ''orange name'' yet on the board. Jessica was sitting at her piano playing while she was on the phone so Howard had her play a little more for them. Howard sang along to the song and made up some lyrics for the song about Artie. He was bringing up stuff that they talked about during yesterday's discussion. Howard wanted to replay the conversation they had with Artie yesterday because it was so interesting. Jessica said that she just plays stuff on the piano and she probably couldn't replay the same thing if she was asked to.
Howard asked her what she was wearing while she was sitting there. She says that she had just gotten out of the shower. She and Howard talked about aging and how much it sucks. Jessica thinks that her face still looks good but she's only got about 2 more years left on it. Howard wrapped up the call with Jessica and let her go. Howard wanted to replay yesterday's discussion with Artie but Artie wasn't too happy about that. Gary said that Artie didn't look too happy when he heard that Howard wanted to replay it.
Howard read through a bunch of e-mail they got about Artie after that discussion. There were a lot of people defending his drinking and there were others who thought it was kind of sad. There were a bunch of others that Howard ripped through. Some people wrote quite a bit of stuff about Artie's drinking and the loss of his girlfriend. Fred had some sad music playing while Howard was reading the many e-mails about Artie's depression and drinking. Some people wonder when Artie is really going to hit rock bottom. Artie said he already did that about 7 or 8 years ago. He talked about how he's got a lot of stuff to deal with because his adult life has been a failure.
Gary came in and asked Artie what his day was like after the whole discussion yesterday. Artie said that he got a call from his mother and sister and then ran into Dana in a coffee shop he doesn't usually go into. The two of them looked at each other and almost burst into tears. The two of them walked to work together and Dana basically said goodbye to him. He couldn't let her go while they were hugging goodbye. He said she called him late last night and it gave him some hope for the future. He said they have agreed to talk tonight.
Howard then introduced the judges for today's pageant. He said that Gary was hosting the pageant and was dressed up for it but he was unshaven because he's doing some publicity photos today. Ralph Cirella is one of the judges. Ralph said he loves giving his opinion on chicks. King of All Blacks was also there to judge the interns today. He said that he couldn't sleep last night because he was so excited about this. Howard said King asked for a new Steven Singer Jeweler watch because he lost the one he got a while back. Artie was goofing on King about the way he was bragging about having a Moen faucet in his house. Ralph pointed out that King had his toenails painted so Howard had to check that out. No one wanted to see that stuff thought so Howard told him there's no reason for that.
King of All Blacks has a foot fetish thing so he was talking about how he would be licking some feet today. The guys talked to King about his new job driving a street cleaning truck around the city these days. He's no longer a garbage truck driver. Howard wondered what he's eating these days. Last night he had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a few other things. He told the guys that he's going to start jogging to lose some weight. Ralph suggested that they go over to his house and film him to see how he lives. Howard said he must have some nice cars and a nice house from what he's said in the past. Howard met King's dad and he has a lot of money. King said he's not a regular black person and that's why he works hard. Ralph told him he talks like a regular nigga. Howard told Ralph that he doesn't like him using the N-word like that. King didn't have a problem but Howard did. King went on to say that he has straight hair on his arms which shows that he's a West Indian black man, not a regular black guy. The guys spent a couple more minutes talking to King about that and how he's having a kid with his fiancee.
King was out in the halls talking about how the Jews are taking over the music business so Howard asked him about that. King told Howard his thoughts on that and how the Jews all had something to do with the top 5 songs that Howard played earlier. King and Ralph were throwing around the N-word quite a bit during that discussion. King also demonstrated the ''Lean Back'' from the song that Howard played earlier in the show. Howard said that he was actually very good at it. Howard said he doesn't know how to dance but he did try to do the lean back thing. That led to the guys talking about how dancing is important in the black culture.
Howard tried to move things along and introduced John the Stutterer as the third judge. Howard likes to have him judge because women are always dissing him. John thanked Howard for having him on the show but his stutters dragged that out for about a minute. Howard then told the guys how to vote on the interns that were going to be coming in. They were going to give one number for each girl.
First up was Kristin the intern. The intro said that she has tried anal and is interested to try stuff with another girl possibly. She also lost 100 pounds after dieting and exercising. She used to weigh 240 pounds! Howard pointed out that she had a full bosom and she's a student at Pace University. Howard tried to talk to her about her anal experience but the delay was hit. Kristin said she has had sex with black guys and had two at once one time. Kristin told Howard about the two guys she had. She claims that her mother is kind of racist and she doesn't seem to like the blacks much. She gets upset when she sees blacks in front of her in line or in nicer cars than hers.
Howard asked Kristin if she had to kill one Stern Show staff member, who would it be and why. She said she'd probably kill KC because he gets a lot of attention and he's hot so she'd like to give others the chance in the spotlight. She said he's got it too good and that's why she'd have to kill him. Kristin then went on to perform her song parody to the tune of ''Sugar Pie Honey Bunch.'' The delay was hit during the song for some reason. John the Stutterer gave Kristin a score of 7. King of all Blacks gave her a 10 and said that she was perfect just the way she was. Ralph gave her a score of 7. Howard had to take a commercial break at this point because the segment was running so long.
There was another caller who told Howard that the Miami station took him off the air for about 45 seconds while they were discussing the N-word earlier. Howard told Gary to see if he could take care of that and got back to the Intern Beauty Pageant. He brought in the next intern, Katie. They played her promo and then talked to hear little bit. She was wearing a bikini when she came in which was a first for the Intern Beauty Pageant. She goes to school at Rutgers. Howard read that she wants to get breast implants next year and Ralph said that would be a good idea. She has a very active sex drive and she really gets into it and makes quite a bit of noise when she's doing it. Katie was in a wet t-shirt contest down in Florida at one time and came in second place. Howard also pointed out that she's a very tall girl at 6 feet.
Howard had Katie do an impression of Gary for her talent portion. She said a few things about how he asked her to look at a web site one day and goofed on him about just sitting around all morning. She said she loves Gary though. Katie then performed a song parody to the tune of ''You Just Keep Me Hanging On.'' She sang about how she might just let the guys smell her thong and about getting loud when she has sex among other things. Howard liked the way she danced during the song since she was in a bikini. King of All Blacks gave her a score of 6. Ralph gave her a score of 7 after asking if her top could come off. Howard said she's an intern so she can't do that. John the Stutterer liked her song and gave her a score of 8. Ralph suggested that she not have her hair pulled back the way she did. She was showing too much face.
Next up was Jen the intern. She has kissed other girls but hasn't gone all the way with them. She also doesn't enjoy sex and doesn't pleasure herself according to the intro she got. Howard asked Jen about how her internship was going. She said it was going well and the guys picked up on her accent. She didn't think she had one but her parents are Peruvian so that might be what it is. Jen said that she's not really into pleasuring herself and she doesn't have orgasms easily. Howard wondered if she's a lesbian or something. She says she's not and she enjoys guys. Her boyfriend has come close to giving her an orgasm and she thinks he'll eventually get her there. She also doesn't pleasure herself because she finds it disgusting. Howard figures that her parents telling her it's dirty is the reason she doesn't enjoy it so much. She has gotten her ''hood'' pierced down there and thinks that might get in the way of things.
Gary came in and told Howard that Jen has a crush on one of the judges. Howard wondered if it was John the Stutterer. Jen said that it's actually Ralph and she's had a crush on him since she was 14 or 15. Ralph said that she's really cute and he was going to give her a high score before he heard that. Jen has a belching problem as well that Gary told them about. She let one out the other day that lasted a good 5 seconds or so. Howard went on to ask Jen about who she would kill on the show. She said that it would be Will because he's kind of grouchy. Howard then had her perform her song parody. After the song parody King of All Blacks gave her a score of 4. Ralph gave her a score of 8. John the Stutterer said he liked her personality and tight little body so he gave her an 8 as well.
The final intern was Marcia. Howard said she was wearing a fur bikini on top and a mini-skirt on the bottom. He talked to her about what she does in school and she has no idea what she's going to do when she gets out of school. Marcia said that she's single and ready to mingle. Howard read that she spent a weekend with a pro hockey player one time. She and the guy went to Atlantic City together but she didn't have sex with him. She got in trouble for wearing short skirts to catholic school when she was in high school. She got into a fight with a girl one time over her boyfriend. They were in a club and they ended up punching each other. Howard moved on to ask her a personality question. He asked her what superpower she would like to have and why. She'd like to be able to read people's minds. Howard asked her which celebrity she would like to have sex with. She threw Artie's name in there so Artie said they could make that happen. Marcia then performed her song parody which was to the tune of ''Get the Party Started.''
King of All Blacks gave Marcia a score of 8 even though she had bow legs. Ralph was next up and said that she had a back tattoo and a tongue ring so she must be a dirty girl. He liked that and gave her a 7. John the Stutterer gave his views on her performance and gave her a score of 9.
Howard gave a quick rundown of all of the girls who had performed. Then Gary gave them the fourth place winner which was Jen. Third place was Katie. Those two got $500 prizes. The other two girls, Kristin and Marcia were tied so they had to pick a winner out of those two. The judges were going to have to pick from the two of them. Howard asked Kristin which famous person she would like to have sex with. She said it would have to be a rock star. She said it might be Madonna. Marcia was then asked what she thinks is the most important invention of the last century. She said it was the cell phone. Ralph picked Marcia. King picked Kristin so John the Stutterer was the tie breaker. John gave his vote to Marcia. Kristin won $1,000 and Marcia got the grand prize of $3,000.
A couple of people from True.com came in to present the girls with their price money. They were the sponsors of the contest. Howard gave them a plug and spent a short time talking to them. The guy was 60 years old and his woman was 30. Howard had them present the girls with their checks. He told the girls about the other prizes they'd be getting for competing in the contest. He had to go to break before bringing in Jenna Jameson.
Ralph jumped in and said he doesn't get the movie and thought that her shaving the guy was kind of gay. He wasn't into it like Howard was. Ralph said he had to get up and leave after he saw that. Howard said he doesn't usually show Ralph his porn stuff but he was over washing his underwear so he showed it to him. Howard got back to Jenna and talked more about ''The Masseuse.'' The girls ended up getting tied up and Savanna looked like a tied up sausage. Jenna said that you usually can't tie someone up like that and have sex with them but they checked with their lawyers on it and they approved it.
Howard said that he has fantasized about this stuff before because he'd love to have a masseuse use her hand on him. He told Jenna about a masseuse he had one time who was really hot. He and his girlfriend had sex before the massage session. Usually the masseuse asks you to put on a towel but this chick told him to lay down naked. He didn't want to show her his button-sized penis so he asked for a towel which was the buzz kill. He figured that blew the whole thing. Artie told him that if he wanted to distract her from his penis, he could have just made a doody right there. Howard was afraid that she would see his tiny penis but Artie said that it doesn't matter because she's a whore.
Howard had the excerpts from Jenna's book where she talks about him. He read that she was scared of Howard before the first time she went on. She actually researched what she was going to say to him for hours. She just wanted to impress Howard and that's what she tried to do. Howard was distracted by the jewelry Jenna was wearing. She showed him some of the stuff she had on and one of the rings was worth over $100,000. She said her husband gave her that ring actually. It's 13 karats and she's not even sure what it's actual worth is. Her wedding ring was 9.5 karats and that ring was probably over $100,000.
Howard read some more of the excerpts from Jenna's book where she talks about her experiences with him. She had remembered being knocked out by a bunch of football players when she was living out in Montana. They hit her in the head with a rock and left her out on this dirt road after they raped her. Her father was a cop at the time and she didn't tell him because she was afraid that he'd go and kill them. If he did that he might have been sent to jail himself. She knows that her father would have gone after them if he had found out. Jenna is angry that she never went after them for what they did though.
Howard read another section about the lap dance Jenna gave Howard at Scores one time. Jenna wasn't an employee there so she could go farther than the girls that work there. She says that she could feel with her knee that Howard was ''huge'' in his pants and he must be lying about how small he is down there. She was impressed by the size at the time. Howard said Gary ruined the whole thing that night when he came over and insisted that he had to talk to him. Gary said that it was really important so he dragged him out. All Gary wanted to know was how he wanted the funny money to be handed out. Howard said he wanted to kill himself after that because he had nothing to say. Then he went back and Jenna told him he had to leave.
Artie said that Gary did the same thing to him at a strip club in Las Vegas one time. Howard said he should have killed Gary after doing that. Jenna just lost the mood after Gary pulled him away from her. Howard then went on to read what Jenna said about the filming of ''Private Parts'' and how that went. She was completely naked walking around the set of the movie and some people were uncomfortable with that. Jenna wanted to have sex with Howard back then but Howard never made the move to get her. Howard didn't do anything because he was in the middle of making a movie about how great his marriage was. Ralph reminded Howard of another thing that went on between Howard and Jenna. She and Howard did a photo shoot where they were in a bathtub together. Howard said he didn't think she was giving him any signs but Ralph told him he's just blind to that or something.
Jenna said that she was jealous of Angie (Everhart) because she didn't know that he dated her. Howard asked her what she thought about her saying that he was the best she ever had in bed. Jenna sounded kind of impressed by that. Howard told Jenna that he was kind of upset about one of the things Jenna wrote about Cindy Crawford in her book. She met Cindy at a party one time and thought that she was attracted to her. Nothing ever happened but Jenna thought that something could have happened. She ended up walking away from the whole thing. She also thought that Britney Spears wanted her at one time as well. Jenna said that Howard would have to ask her about that. Howard wondered if she ever had sex with her. She said that never happened and al she was told was that Britney was interested in her but the publicist kept them apart.
Jenna says that a guy tried to rape her when she was 16 years old. She had already lost her virginity about 6 months before so that wasn't how she lost it. She was able to fight this guy off before he finished with her. Jenna is now talking about having a baby and Howard thinks it's a bad idea. He said she can't stay away from porn and she'll get back in just like Janine Lindemulder did after she retired.
Jenna names names in the book. She talks about Marilyn Manson having a ''huge'' penis so Howard and the guys talked about that for a short time. Howard figures he'll never be able to have sex with Jenna. She said she wouldn't be opposed to it but Howard is dating someone right now and she's married. Jenna talks about Marilyn Manson trying to have anal with her in the book but she had to turn him down because he was too big for her. Howard said that was the way he wanted to do it the first time he had sex with her.
Howard told Jenna how great her oral technique was in ''The Masseuse'' and how impressed he was with that. The two of them got back to Marilyn Manson again. Jenna said that he wrote about her in his book so she wanted to set the story straight and wrote about him in her book. She said he claimed that she was following him around like a puppy and that just wasn't true. Jenna also claims that Bruce Willis walked up to her and just started making out with her one time. Jenna talks about Nicolas Cage in her book as well and says that he smelled awful when she met him. She used to dance for him at The Crazy Horse strip club. He was really nice but he smelled bad a couple of times. Wesley Snipes, Tommy Lee and others are mentioned in her book as well.
Jenna had a lot of stories that they put in the book and it's over 600 pages long! She'll be signing copies of her new book ''How to Make Love Like a Porn Star'' at the Virgin Megastore in Times Square tonight at 7pm. Howard played a clip from ''The Masseuse'' where Jenna's husband says some creepy lines. He took a call from Double A who asked Jenna to reenact a scene from that movie with Howard. Howard said he'd like that to happen as well. Howard played a little more from Jenna's movie and then wrapped up the interview before going to break.
Howard cut them off and asked people not to write in about him having Ralph on the show. Whenever he's on the show he gets a ton of negative e-mail about him. Fred said that he's going to ignore all of that stuff today when it comes in. Howard knows that people aren't thrilled with Ralph but he can't say no to him all the time and lets him come in sometimes.
During Robin's news Howard took a call from a guy who asked him who he would like to bang if his girlfriend let him, Jenna Jameson, Pam Anderson or Carmen Electra. He really didn't have a good answer for that because they're all so hot. Howard had to do an F***, Marry, Kill with those three so Artie suggested that he marry the woman who hasn't been with Tommy Lee... and that was Carmen. Howard finally settled on F'ing Jenna, Marrying Pam and killing Carmen. He really likes her but that's the way it would have to go. He thinks that Carmen really likes him too.
Chaunce Hayden called in and brought up a story that Robin had brought up about a cop that was arrested for trying to pick up a 14 year old. Chaunce said that the guy was wearing a t-shirt that said ''Let's Party.'' Somehow they got on the subject of tipping and spent a short time discussing that. Howard said he always tips very well so people won't have an excuse to write anything negative about his tipping.
Howard started off the show with an ''F-You!'' since he'd had a rough day yesterday. He had to take a sleeping pill last night and it was still in his system. He says he had to take it because he's an obsessive personality and when something goes wrong, he gets obsessed with it. He didn't say what the problem was though. He went on to talk about the olympics and how the women competing in the swimming competitions have freakishly large legs. Artie said the Asian women look even weirder than others because you don't expect them to look that way.
Gary came in and asked if it was Amanda Beard that he was watching because she's a fan of Howard's. Gary mentioned that his wife noticed that she had grown into her teeth since she was 14 or so. Howard wondered why his wife would obsess on teeth.... Howard also said that Gary looks much better since he shaved his facial hair. He had been growing it for a photo shoot that he was doing and he looked strange according to Howard. Howard thinks of Gary as a younger guy and couldn't believe that he was going to be 44 years old next year. He hasn't had a new press photo taken in 8 years. Howard told him he hasn't had one taken in about 10 years and he doesn't care. He's not having a new one taken anytime soon.
Howard said Gary gave him a list of celebrity guests that they had the chance to interview and he turned them down. Gary said Howard said no to LL Cool J, John Mellencamp and Josie from the band Saliva. Howard has spoken to the guys before and he just doesn't want to interview them again. Artie said he used to be a fan of LL Cool J's until he heard him on the show not revealing anything to Howard when he was interviewed.
The guys asked Artie how his phone call with Dana went last night. Artie said that it went okay but their relationship has been in critical condition for a little while now. He didn't talk too much about it after that. The guys changed subjects and mentioned the comedy gig Artie has up in Cape Cod with Robert Schimmel (RobertSchimmel.com) this weekend. Artie said that the stage at the Cape Cod Melody Tent rotates so it's not going to be fun if he's drunk. He said he's opening for Schimmel so it won't be so bad. Howard talked about doing a stage one time where it was spinning around and it was kind of confusing. Artie told a story about doing a show with Norm MacDonald and he got very confused by a stage that was spinning because he didn't know that it was going to rotate.
Gary said that Jackie The Joke Man (JokeLand.com) used to have a technique for talking to the crowds when he did a concert in the round. He would pick out a certain person every quarter turn and talk to them. That led to the guys talking about a show that Jackie the Joke Man did with Sam Kinison and how ugly it got there when the crowds were yelling to get their money back. Sam got really drunk and didn't tell many jokes.
Howard talked to Tom about how he's been married for 30 years and he hasn't cheated on her. He wondered what that must be like to be with the same woman for 30 years. Tom said that he likes to look at magazines like Playboy but not the more graphic ones. He said he kind of likes the magazines where women are covered up a little bit. Howard said that Tom is a good looking guy, even at his age and said that women are always talking about how good looking he is. He has spoken to women who talk about how they'd like to do Tom. Meanwhile he's been married for 30 years. Howard said religion was invented for guys like Tom. Tom wondered what that meant so Howard explained it to him.
Howard said that the rules in the bible were written to keep guys in control because people were out of control thousands of years ago. They had to invent something to control the masses and that's what religion was for. Religion is your imaginary friend according to Howard. He said that guys were acting like cave men so they used religion as a scary ghost story to keep people in line. People have been brain washed since they were kids to believe in this stuff so it makes you comply with the rules. Artie wondered who the people were who came up with the whole concept to create these religions. Howard said that his parents put fear into him without using religion. Most people let a priest or a rabbi do the work for them. Robin seemed to agree that it is a form of brainwashing. Howard said it's a form of control that works.
Artie said that he was taught to respect all religions. He could throw a rock at a factory or something but not at a church or anything like that because he's had the fear put in him. Howard went on to talk about how he went to temple quite a bit when he was a kid so he shared some stories about that ordeal. He talked about the stuff he had to wear to temple and how he was goofed on as a kid. He also talked about his mother controlling him so much that she wouldn't even let him get an earring because she felt it was ''her ear'' not his. Howard went to break after talking about that for a short time.
Howard read an excerpt from the article where they point out that President Bush never flew in the war but he did pose as a pilot and land on an aircraft carrier like he actually had something to do with it. John Ashcroft was quoted as saying that the Vietnam war wasn't a bad thing but he had other priorities at the time and that's why he didn't serve. There were also dates listed in the article about how Dick Cheney asked for deferments while he was in college so he could avoid going to war. John Ashcroft got seven deferments while he was in Yale. Howard said the Vietnam war shouldn't be an issue but Bush and his people have made it an issue. Howard defended Kerry for a few minutes and said that it's time to get Bush out of office. Howard went to break after 15 minutes of that.
Howard mentioned the New Jersey Governor James McGreevey and how there are a ton of song parodies about the guy out now. He played an example of one of them. He also said that Benjy has been out terrorizing people again on the streets. They talked about how Benjy went to a poetry reading where he was only supposed to do 30 seconds but went on for minutes. He ended up getting kicked out of the place and got into a fight out on the street with a couple of black women. Benjy said that he would stop if Doug gave him the signal but he wouldn't stop and Doug had to slap him and tell him to snap out of this ''schtick coma'' he gets in. Howard said he'd play tape of that later on.
Howard took a couple of phone calls after that. One guy wondered why Artie hates himself so much. Earlier in the show he mentioned the fact that Dana's dog is the only thing that loves him unconditionally. The caller said he once bought Artie a Jack and water which he doesn't feel so good about now. Artie still insists that he's fine when this stuff is brought up. The guy managed to get comped tickets to Artie's comedy show this weekend when he asked for them.
Howard played a ''Gay American Heros'' bit that they put together. It was similar to one of those Budweiser commercials that have run in the past. He then took another phone call from a guy down in Miami. The caller said that the show is being butchered down there by his new station. Gary came in to tell Howard about what he's heard from them down there. He said that they've been having satellite trouble in Miami and that explains some of the problems they've been having. On top of that there has been some editing. Howard wondered how much it was. Gary had a list of 20 things that they edited and he wasn't sure if that was for 2 days or just one. Howard says that he loves WQAM but if that's the way things are going to go, it's not going to work. He wanted to interview someone down there about what their sensitivities are.
Gary told Howard that the N-word was one problem with the show. Howard said they don't need to hide from him and they should just let them know if they have a problem with the show so they can come to an agreement on that stuff. Howard said that there's a guy down in the area who has been filing complaints against his show for a long time now and he's going to continue to do that. He believes that this will eventually go to court and he will win against the FCC in the long run. Howard asked the station down there not to cave in to the pressure. He plans to get off the air in 16 months when his contract is up so he doesn't know why these people want to get him off sooner.
Gary said Tom thought it was funny when he had to sign a check for the guy that was made out to nig*erWhat because that's his legal name. nig*erWhat said that he needs a fan, ice cold water and a dozen roses for Miss Quivers. They wondered why he can't buy his own roses. He says that he's on a fixed income so he can't do that. Gary said that Jason told him that they tried to call this guy back but his number didn't work. They put him on hold to try and get a working phone number from him after that.
KC said there was a second part to this story. He said that he was going to fix the cavities in his teeth and he was going to clear up his debts and stuff. Howard knew the story was going downhill from here. He figures that KC can't quit the job because he probably owes him money. KC said that the cash out is supposed to take four days. Now it turns out that the payout is over time. He gets paid $4000 a week for a year and a half so things were looking good for him and his family. They've never had that kind of money before. He was going to be comfortable for the first time in his life.
KC decided to go back on GoldenPalace.com and dick around a little more. He just wanted to screw around a little bit and play some $100 slot machines and stuff. All of a sudden he realized that he was down $20,000. The money just wasn't real to him at this point. He blew all of that within a day or so. This all took place back in February. Howard wondered how he had time to do all of this stuff. KC said it all happened in the course of a week... and he lost ALL OF IT! $330,000 gone!
Gary said that KC came to him when he had $200,000 left in his account and told him what happened. Gary congratulated him on that and begged him to stop. A couple of weeks later he was complaining about his life and how he was broke. That's when he found out that he'd blown all of that money.
Even Artie was hoping that KC wouldn't blow all of that money but it all went wrong. Howard asked KC how much his father made in his best year. It was probably around $40,000. He could have blown that amount out of the water but he blew it. KC thought that Howard was beating him while he was down. KC said he was uncomfortable being comfortable and that's why he sabotaged himself. He still thinks that the online casino is the way to go if you're going to gamble. KC says that he has stopped gambling since then.
Zolar called in to tell KC what a loser he was for blowing that amount of money. Some other people called in and went off on him as well. That led to the guys talking about how football season is coming up so KC will probably be betting. KC said he really doesn't care about sports now because he's not betting. He knows about football just because he's a football fan. Artie doesn't believe what KC is saying and he thinks that he will eventually bet again. A phone caller told Howard that he won $200,000 in a lawsuit and lived for 4 years on that and still has some leftover.
KC has a great apartment now and it's costing him double the amount his previous one did. Now he has to work every weekend and does every gig he can get. KC said that he couldn't believe how fast that amount of money could disappear. Howard told him that he's really sick. He needs to go to gamblers anonymous. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he should have called him for help when all of this was going on. KC said he had a list of people he was going to help out with this money. He said that he kept a list of people who helped him out when they didn't have to and he wanted to pay them back. Dominic said that he has given up on trying to help KC with his mental problems. KC said that he's not a selfish person and he never had the money in his hand so he couldn't pay him back for the help he gave him.
Tom Chiusano wondered if there was really a deal for KC to pay Dominic back for the help he provided. There was no agreement for him to pay him back as far as anyone knew. Dominic may have just been trying to point out how big of a deal this was that KC blew all of that money. Howard figures that KC must be the worst player ever to have blown all of that money that quick. He told him that this mental illness makes Artie look healthy. Howard believes that he is very ill and proved it with this whole thing. A woman called in and said that she didn't believe a word of this and that it was just a shameless plug for GoldenPalace.com. Howard said he wishes that were the case. Richard Christy called in as the Head Fag from the Playgirl mansion and told KC about a game of Texas Hold 'em that they were playing this weekend. He said that if KC can catch the 10 cowboys in their assless chaps, he can hold 'em.
Gary said the guys in the back were talking about how KC could have bought his own slot machine and filled it with $20,000 and had a party at his place. Scott the Engineer came in and asked if this means that KC is the biggest loser on the show now. Howard said that Scott is still the biggest loser, not KC. That led to the guys talking about the offer Scott had to win $250,000 to receive anal sex. He was going to do it until his family convinced him that it was a bad idea. Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on him about that before going to commercial.
Howard said that he had some pictures from the Intern Beauty Pageant up on his site. He's thinking about putting some other pictures of their filthy bathroom up on the web site as well because it was so disgusting. Someone threw up in the bathroom and no one bothered to clean it up. There were rumors about who may have done it but no one was really sure. Gary came in and said that he feels stupid because he's the only one who complains about that bathroom. The toilet will get clogged up and no one will say anything about it.
Howard interrupted and said they were going live to the Governor's mansion in New Jersey for a press conference. It was an audio clip from a gay porn movie where two guys were doing each other. Howard said he had to cut it off because he figured they shouldn't be hearing that. He also replayed the song parody they had about Governor McGreevey that they played earlier in the morning. That led to Howard and Robin talking about Governor McGreevey's tough situation and how so many people want him out of office now that he's come out of the closet. Howard was wondering if McGreevey is the woman in the relationship. He was thinking that McGreevey is the more effeminate looking guy of the two. Howard thinks that McGreevey's hair cut makes him look like the more effeminate one of the two. He just wants to ask McGreevey that one question: ''Bottom or top?''
Howard showed the guys the pictures of the bathroom that he's putting up on the web site. He had a couple of pictures of Artie that they're going to put up on the web site as well. They had a bunch of Artie pictures that were enhanced with Photoshop that they'll be putting up soon.
On tomorrow's show Howard said they have the big final contest for the Vinnie Favale ''Restless, Restless'' song contest. He played a couple of the songs that are in the finals including the two country versions and Robert Goulet's entry. Goulet will be performing live via Satellite from Charlotte, North Carolina. Howard said he's looking forward to finding out who will win the $5,000 grand prize. They have Vinnie Favale and a couple of record company guys in to judge the contest. Vinnie is on vacation right now and he was upset that they didn't consider him for setting up the whole thing. Gary came in and said that he and Vinnie had some words about that whole thing when they spoke about it. Howard had to work around Robert Goulet's schedule, not Vinnie's.
Howard said his dad was horrible at talking about that stuff. Gary's father just came in and asked him ''You know everything?'' Gary responded with a ''yes'' and his father was done with the big sex talk. Howard explained how he got the big talk when he was about 15 or 16 which was too late because he already knew about that stuff. His father asked him if he had any questions. When he didn't have any, he was done with the big talk. Howard figured he knew more than his dad at that point anyway.
Howard wondered if Artie's father ever had sex with his mother after becoming a quadriplegic. Artie said he doesn't think that they ever had sex after that happened. He was pretty sure they never did but Howard said he'd make the phone call if he wanted to find out. Artie wasn't interested in finding out though.
KC came in and told a story about a friend of his who taught kids of the same age that Gary's kid is at. He had some questions that the kids asked the guy when he was teaching. He asked him a couple of questions like ''Can two women have kids together?'' and ''Do sperms really have faces?'' Gary quickly said what he would say if he was asked those questions.
Gary went on the web and did some searches for how to talk to kids about sex. The things he found when searching for ''Discussing sex with children'' were all religious web sites that suggested using the bible. Gary said he did find some stuff that he has to look into a little deeper before talking to his kid.
KC asked Gary another one of the questions his friend got. It was ''What is a boner?'' Gary said that he'll have to explain that to him. He didn't say exactly what he would say. He will let everyone know how that talk goes once he has that discussion.
Howard moved on to Benjy's latest hijinks. He talked about Benjy's recent bit where he went to an anti-violence gathering and ended up screaming at people and annoying them for a while. This time he went to a poetry reading at this Manhattan Monolog Slam. He promised that he would not go crazy this time because Doug Goodstein refused to go with him again. Of course he went crazy again and Doug was upset by him not listening. Doug said he needs to put a shock collar on him to get him to listen.
Howard explained the event that they went to and how Benjy was going to do 30 seconds of poetry for his sister that died. Doug said that they put a light on for 30 seconds and you're done when the light goes out. Benjy brought a pen light with him to light his face once that light went out. The poetry was about his dead sister... That he killed. Howard played an example of what people were doing on stage. Then Howard played Benjy's time on stage. He tried to talk a little before the poem but he was warned this was part of his 30 seconds. Benjy then reads his poem which is about frozen fish sticks and how hungry he is. He's explaining this meal when his 30 seconds end. They start playing music but Benjy continues to yell out his poem even as the music is playing. The bouncer at the club gets on stage to drag him off. One of the E! guys was there to film the whole thing. He was asked to turn out the light on their camera so they could get Benjy to stop. Doug Goodstein thought things were fine at this point so he let Benjy keep going.
The bad music started to play again while Benjy continued to ramble on about his frozen fish dinner. The bouncer makes his way on stage and picks up Benjy to remove him. Doug tried to get him to stop but he was in that ''Schtick coma'' he gets into and wouldn't stop doing his bit. The bouncer lifts him up and drags him out of the club. Benjy is screaming like a mental patient as he's being dragged out. Then he ends up on the ground screaming and yelling for the cops. Artie wanted to hear the end of the poem. Howard played another clip where the organizer goes off on Benjy for not getting off stage. The guy told Benjy that he'd ''F*** him up'' if he came back to his club again.
Benjy goes out on the street afterward and befriends a homeless guy. He starts dancing around with him and a couple of women get pissed when they think that he's using the guy. They started yelling at Benjy for ''using the black prop'' and how he shouldn't be doing that. Benjy got in their faces and yelled back at them. Doug said the homeless guy was fine with the whole thing and was having a good time until the women showed up and started yelling at Benjy. Benjy ends up yelling at Doug when he only throws him a $20 bill and not more. That's when Doug had to slap Benjy out of his coma. Howard thinks this is the final time they will send Benjy out because he gets so out of control. Doug said he thinks they could do it again though.
Howard quickly mentioned that they're looking for interns there on the show. If you're a college student and you're interested, you can send your resume to AnneMarie@HowardStern.com. He then played Kidd Chris' ''Sulu Dance'' song parody.
Benjy's friend Randy the Star Trek expert came in to hang out with the guys today. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about his Star Trek stuff. He's kind of spaced out like Benjy is because he wasn't paying attention to him when he told him to get close to the microphone. Randy said he has managed to get laid a couple of times since the last time he was on the show. Howard heard that he met a retarded girl on a party line and hooked up with her. He didn't know she was retarded when he spoke to her. Randy said that she's not really retarded, she just had learning disabilities. She's not very attractive and he hasn't really ''done her'' but she did things to him. He was telling the story like Benjy would tell it because he wasn't giving a very good explanation.
Captain Janks called in said that he could stump this guy. He asked him what spin off was going to be created from the Star Trek show shortly before Star Trek was canceled. He knew that it was a show that Teri Garr was going to star in. Janks had a couple of other questions he tried to stump him with but Randy knew the answers. Janks was proud when he stumped him on one question about an actor who played a certain part in a few episodes. Randy didn't seem to care.
Howard had to move on to the news but Randy had a few other things he wanted to talk about. He was talking about the Kobe Bryant case and the fact that Benjy moved to a new apartment but no one seemed to care. Howard was just as annoyed by Randy as he is by Benjy when he starts to tell stories. Benjy told Howard that Randy is interesting when he talks about interracial relationships. Howard let Randy come back and asked him about that. Randy gave his opinion on that but Howard got rid of him about 30 seconds into his ramblings. Benjy said that he and Randy were in the same fraternity at Penn State. Howard figured it was just the two of them in the frat. He had Robin start her news right after that.
The wheezie phone caller was still on the line so Howard asked her how he makes her feel more like a woman. She was saying something about how she likes the way he talks about having sex with his girlfriend. She told the guys that she hasn't had sex since 1977 and she just quit smoking 10 days ago. She said she's 55 years old so Howard said it's kind of pointless to quit now. When she asked for some money from Howard, he hung up on her and said ''Go away you old bag...''
Another caller, who claims to be an astrology expert, asked Artie for his girlfriend's birthdate so he can figure out if they are soul mates or not. He said he'd call back tomorrow with the results. Dana's birthday is November 9, 1971. Artie's is October 11, 1967.
Howard complained about being tired this morning. He's been so busy with stuff that he just doesn't have time to do anything anymore. He takes on too many jobs at once. Yesterday he did the show then went back to work on ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' with Jeremiah Bosgang. He did some personal stuff and then the next thing he knew, it was 9 o'clock. He had to make some phone calls but it was too late. He apologized to his family and friends who he doesn't call because he just doesn't have the time. He's going to try and catch up on stuff this weekend. His cartoon finally got green lighted over at the Spike TV network so he has to keep writing the episodes. Robin and Howard were arguing about whether ''green lit'' or ''green lighted'' was the correct term to use.
Howard said Beth was nice to him last night and had sex with him to relieve his tension. He was incredibly aroused last night for some reason so Beth took care of him. Benjy came walking in 10 minutes late so Howard told him that he has asked him not to walk in like that if he's late. Benjy apologized but it didn't help. He said he wanted to start working but all he was doing was distracting him from doing the show. There are rules and there's no rush for Benjy to get in there. Howard was annoyed by his voice and the way he was talking to him. Benjy was talking in a low voice trying not to annoy Howard but that's exactly what was annoying him.
Benjy was hoping to get away with being late by walking in and he knows that it annoys Howard but he came in anyway. Howard told him he's at his wits end and he wants him to just stand out in the hall until the commercial break when he shows up late. Robin said that Benjy usually just sits out there and waits so something new happened today. Howard was serious about this stuff and really doesn't want him walking in like that. He doesn't know why he has to walk in like that. Benjy was told to either get there on time or don't come in 10 minutes late. Benjy wondered if Howard thinks that he shows up late like that on purpose. He does. Then Benjy started to ramble about some nonsense about how it could be psychological and crap so Howard turned off his microphone and said he was done.
Howard said that his job is important to him so that's why he makes it a point to show up on time. He has only been late about 2 times in his life. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Benjy shows up late every day and runs into the studio. It's like a joke to him every single day. Other people are there at 5:45 but Benjy shows up at like 5:58 or 5:59 and runs in. Howard said that it's like a routine for him and it's insane. Benjy insisted that it's not a routine but Howard does have the right to be mad at him. Howard had to turn off his microphone again when he started to ramble again.
The guy who threw the Monolog Jam that Benjy ruined the other day called in to say he was accepting a challenge that Benjy gave him at that event. Howard told him that he was fine with that but he just doesn't have time for Benjy this morning. Howard had to bail on the guy when he cursed. Another caller complained about Benjy showing up late and said they should make him clean the toilets to punish him. Howard let a couple of other callers bitch about Benjy. one guy said that he should be fired for something like that. Benjy agrees that he's not right for showing up late and if he were the boss, even he would be pissed. Howard said he's not even that mad that he shows up late, he just doesn't want him interrupting the show the way he does when he comes in late.
A woman called in and said that Benjy should be put on probation or something like that but Howard didn't think that was cool. He said that when you do something like that it's like treating them like a child. He doesn't seem to want to do that. He doesn't think that Benjy respects himself enough to show up on time. The two of them went back and forth and Benjy just couldn't get out of that schtick that he does when he's having a conversation. Howard had to take a break after losing his train of thought when Benjy walked in. He was going to reveal some things about himself but Benjy ruined that. Benjy started to talk again.
King of All Blacks called in and asked Benjy if he did this stuff on purpose. Benjy says that he doesn't. That led to Benjy talking to King of All Blacks but Howard didn't want that. He just wanted to bail on the whole thing. King told Benjy that he has to show up to work on time even if the job doesn't mean that much to him. Howard said that would be the professional thing to do. He was done with that topic.
Howard said the show was going to be big today. They have Beetlejuice and this guy nig*erWhat coming in. Gary said that nig*erWhat was actually there and he turned out to be a really old man just like he claimed he was. Howard didn't think the guy was going to show up but he was already there. They also have the Vinnie Favale ''Restless, Restless'' song contest later in the morning. Robert Goulet will be performing via satellite from North Carolina.
Howard said he got a weird letter from Vinnie Favale last night about this contest. Vinnie was telling him that this contest is a great thing and how it's making him take his song writing more seriously. He said he'd read more about that after the break. He quickly mentioned the letters that they're posting on the web site after Jason wrote an article about what goes on during the commercials and then Scott the Engineer wrote a letter about the way people treat him. Vinnie Favale thought that was out of line so he's now written an article in response to that. Check that out at HowardStern.com.
Howard thinks that he had a conversation with Ann Bancroft last night. He had a nice conversation with a woman who said he name was Ann and that's who he thinks it may have been... but he wasn't positive about that. Howard said that they're also going to have Drew Carey and Jon Stewart on the show soon. He went on to play a clip from a news program where they reported that Lorenzo Lamas has filed for bankruptcy.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that Tony Danza said something about Howard in an interview he did for ''Steppin' Out.'' Gary came in a short time later and said they found what Tony said. It wasn't that bad, they just asked him if he'd go to see ''Private Parts'' and Tony just said something about Howard being a big self-promotor. They were looking up stuff in their archives and Howard has said quite a few negative things about Tony.
Chaunce also got to talk to Jenna Jameson yesterday. He said she was very attractive in person. Chaunce asked her how big she thought Howard's penis was. (The delay was hit so we didn't hear what she said) Howard said whatever number that was, was too big. Howard said he can't believe he brought that up and it's just not true. Robin said she's not the first person to say this though so he must be lying about being so small. Chaunce had tape of Jenna telling him how big she thought it was. The delay was hit again when he played the tape so we missed her saying the number again. Howard mentioned something about 8 and a half inches being too big so that must have been what she said.
Captain Janks called in and said that he was on the bulletin board and they have gone over 1 million posts on there already. Howard mentioned that they have a bunch of pictures from the filthy bathroom on the site today. Janks had tape to play for Howard from an old Star Trek episode where William Shatner actually says ''Sabatage'' instead of ''sabotage.'' Howard cut him off and took a call from Cabbie who says that he wasn't the one who puked in the station's bathroom. Cabbie was also calling in to tell Howard about how they dumped out of the show when Chaunce was playing the tape of Jenna talking about his penis size. Howard said he's almost done there at the station because of stuff like that. Gary came in and told Howard that it's the way they were describing the penis size. That's why they had to dump out of it. Howard said if Chaunce had just asked him if he ''knew how big he was'' instead of using the penis word, he would have been fine. He's tired of Tom dumping out of stuff like that and he's got to get out of that place.
A listener told Howard that Jenna Jameson mentioned that she made out with Jillian Barberie recently so he may want to talk to her about that. Howard asked Gary to get both of them on the phone so he can talk to them about that.
Howard read this memo that KC got from Sean. He gave him the flight info and said that they packed some extra underwear just in case Beet makes a mistake. He sometimes has accidents. Sean tells KC that he has to have Beetle hop into the shower if he messes himself. Sean suggested that they not allow him to drink shots, only beer. He has to put something on the hotel room door so Beet can recognize it. KC will also have to stay in the same room with Beetle. He has a problem with him ordering room service and stuff like that so KC has to keep him in his room. Sean does this all the time and knows about how it's going to go. Sean begged KC not to let Beet out of his sight because he'll disappear.
This gig is in Little Rock, Arkansas so it doesn't pay very well. KC has done worse so this isn't that big of a deal to him. Howard kept bringing up the fact that he lost that $330,000. He wouldn't have to do gigs like this if he had kept the money he'd won. Sean wished KC good luck with the trip.
Tom Chiusano came in and said that he was on the bulletin board last night and saw that one of the biggest threads was about KC losing the $330,000. Howard said the e-mail was out of control on that subject as well. He said he'd read it later in the show. Beetlejuice came in shortly after that. Howard asked him about this gig he had with KC coming up. He told him that Sean wasn't going to be there so KC was going to be taking care of him. Howard asked him about the extra underwear and stuff like that. KC told Beet that they're going to get some bitches together out there. Beetlejuice said that he wasn't going to be staying in the same room with KC. Beet wasn't happy about that and said he wasn't sleeping in the same room with nobody. He said he wanted his own room. Beetlejuice said that he doesn't care if KC is in charge, he's not going to listen and he's in charge.
Beetle pulled out his cell phone and started to make a call. He told Howard that he wasn't calling, he was e-mailing. Howard told him about more of the stuff that was in Sean's letter and Beetle didn't care about any of that. He insists that he's in charge and he'll do what he wants. Howard kept bringing up the fact that Beetlejuice is sharing a room with KC. Beet says that he's not going to do that and he doesn't care what KC does. He said he's a grown man and he will do what he wants. It doesn't matter what Sean says, he doesn't care.
Beetlejuice didn't want anything to do with staying with KC out there in Little Rock. He kept telling KC that whatever he wants to do, he can do but he's not going to have anything to do with it. Howard gave Beet a couple of plugs for some gigs he has coming soon. He'll be making an appearance on the HowardStern.com bulletin board and at the FYE on 6th Ave tomorrow from noon to 2pm. Visit JollyDwarf.com for more info.
Dominic Barbara called in and told KC that the amount of money he lost in 2 seconds on GoldenPalace.com is all he's going to make for this weekend gig he's got with Beetlejuice. Artie told Beet that there was good news, he was going to have some extra underwear on the road. Beetlejuice kept saying that he never makes a mistake and he changed his own underwear. KC didn't know what he was going to do if he does make a mistake. Howard wondered if he's going to rinse out Beet's underwear or just throw them away. KC was just laughing as this was going on. He doesn't seem to think Beetle actually does that but then Beetle said that he does have accidents sometimes.
Beetlejuice does some Michael Jackson impressions at the shows he does these days. Beet didn't want to do it in front of the guys there in the studio. He says he only does it on stage. Beetlejuice has a new DVD out in stores now so Howard wished him luck with that. Howard then said he thinks he ''made a mistake.'' Howard told Beet to help KC out if he makes a mistake himself. Double A called in and told the guys that he had to watch Beetlejuice for half a day out in Las Vegas when they were out there. Double A said there was no arguing with him. He just spends what he wants and does what he wants to do when you're with him. KC said he has a plan. Everybody loves him when they do these appearances so he's going to try and get some nice co-ed to help him out and keep an eye on him. Beet says he can get his own hot chicks though and he doesn't need KC's help.
Artie said that Beetle made a ''big mistake'' on stage out in Las Vegas. Beetle denied having done that and said he doesn't make mistakes like that. Howard was making things tough for KC while he was telling Beetlejuice about what Sean had written. Beetlejuice kept yelling going off on KC about this upcoming weekend. He started to get pissed off at KC for some reason. KC was trying to calm him down but Beetlejuice didn't want to hear it. Howard was trying to get some Michael Jackson music playing so Beetle could lip sync to the song but he was having some trouble. He finally got it playing but Beet wasn't singing along. He said that it was him singing on the version that Howard was playing. It was actually a live version of Jackson's ''Billie Jean.'' Howard wrapped up the interview after that and went to commercial.
Howard said that nig*erWhat has been posting on his bulletin board and he thought he was a white guy making fun of black people. nig*erWhat said he has been waiting for a response from Howard on a post he made to the board. Howard told him he's very busy and hasn't had time to answer him. Howard wanted to hear the story about why he changed his name but Gary noticed that the guy has two sets of lips. He wanted to go over and pull them off but the guy didn't want to let that happen. Howard wondered who he really was and why he was wearing a mask. The guy would not admit that he was wearing a mask.
nig*erWhat claims that he was born in 1918 and in 1930 he was with his father who tipped his hat to a woman down in Savannah, Georgia. That's when six white men dragged them out into a field and started kicking his father and asked him questions that started with ''nig*er, what were you thinking'' and stuff like that. They then lynched his father right in front of him. nig*erWhat said that he grabbed his daddy's knife and cut his father down after he had died. Robin was giggling because she wasn't believing any of this story even though nig*erWhat was crying as he told the story. Artie got a chuckle out of this as well.
Zolar called in and said he was kind of scared for all of them because this guy has no ID and he sounds crazy. Howard said he wasn't feeling so safe but Ronnie was close by. nig*erWhat went on to tell Howard how five years later he took out his revenge on the guy who lynched his father. He killed the man and ended up going to prison for that. He got gang raped by his own kind in prison. He kept insisting that he wasn't wearing a mask and that it was just heavy makeup. Robin said she could see the lines on his face where the stuff was glued to his face.
Howard wondered why the guy didn't run after he killed the guy who killed his father. nig*erWhat said he had no reason to run. Once he was sentenced to prison he only spent a few years there. He was beaten and raped there. He said that the prison is no longer in existence. He said it was in Georgia and it was called Neglect. Robin wasn't buying it.
High Pitch Erik called in and said hello to him because he likes talking to him on the bulletin board. Another caller asked Howard if Ronnie had checked this guy for a pocket knife. The guy says that he was searched everywhere but his ass so he wasn't carrying anything. Captain Janks called in and said that the guy just won a prize on the show last week so he has to show ID when he cashes it and it should come back to the station canceled once he cashes it.
nig*erWhat gave a shout out to this guy who is a friend of his on the bulletin board. He gave out a bunch of names of the people on the bulletin board who are his friends. He had a whole list of people that he read through. Howard wasn't sure what they had learned or who they had met. Howard had to wrap up the interview so they could move on to other things. nig*erWhat asked to get an orange name on the bulletin board. Howard said he may just get that orange name. As nig*erWhat was being taken out of the studio, Howard wondered what they had just seen. Fred said he thinks they just saw ''The black Benjy.'' Artie thinks that the guy is scamming them and he's not 86 years old. No one was sure what that was all about. Howard said when you see the pictures of him you won't know what you're looking at.
Howard had a lot more to get to today but he had to take a break first. He had to read some e-mail about KC's losing the $330,000 on GoldenPalace.com. He also quickly mentioned that today was their 18th anniversary being on WYSP in Philadelphia. Gary came in so Howard asked him what was up with nig*erWhat. Gary said he thinks that the guy is scamming them. Richie from E! came in and said that the guy didn't know him but as he was walking out, he said ''See ya later Rich'' so he must know them somehow. Gary thought about who it could be but couldn't come up with an answer. Howard wondered if it was OJ Simpson. They said his head was big enough to be OJ but he was too short. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard had this woman Jill Ann Spaulding there today because she has written a book about her time at the Playboy mansion. She came in with her dog Holdem. Howard said her breasts were huge and she may have gone too big. She said they were double D's. She didn't hesitate to show Howard what they looked like. She took her top off within a minute or so. Howard wondered why she would go so big. She said she's starved for attention so that's probably why she went so big.
Jill Ann is a professional poker player and that's how she ended up going to Playboy to do a celebrity photo shoot. Howard asked her about this book she wrote, ''Jill Ann: Upstairs,'' and if Hugh Hefner is mad at her about it. Howard thought that Hefner was upset with it but Jill Ann says that he's changed his mind and he's not against it. The book is self-published and the money she makes from it goes to a charity called Prehab.org.
Jill Ann told Howard about how she got to meet Hef. She claims that she never had sex with the guy, but she did hang out with him in his room while he was having sex with other women. She claims that Hef is only 5-6 inches big in his pants so she wasn't impressed with that. Howard went through more of her story about how she met Hef. She wrote him a letter and said that she wanted to meet him. She showed up to his place and he greeted her with a hug from behind where he grabbed her chest. That picture is on the cover of her book. She then managed to get into his bedroom along with 11 other women. Jill Ann was hoping that she would eventually get to be a Playmate if she hung around long enough. One of the other playmates told her about the rules they have there at the Playboy mansion.
Jill Ann showed Howard some pictures she had from her first experiences there at the Playboy mansion. Howard said there was a lot going on there in those pictures. Artie saw the pictures and said it looked like it was a real party there. Jill Ann got back to her story and talked about how she was walked through the rules of what she had to do when she got up to Hef's room. The other girls were pretending to have sex with each other and they were all naked. Jill Ann claims that Hef has man on man porn playing in his room while all of this stuff is going on. That surprised Howard and Artie. She also said that Hef's face still looks good but his skin down below is all white and wrinkly looking. All of the girls in Hef's room have unprotected sex with him according to Jill Ann. Everything seemed very ''mechanical'' to Jill Ann.
Jill Ann told Howard about all of the women that Hef has and how they don't use protection with the guy. That's one reason she wrote the book, she wants to warn women about that. Jill Ann told Howard that Hef finishes in one girl at the end and all of the girls leave the room. She says this happens two days a week on a regular basis and all of his ''girlfriends'' are required to show up unless they're sick or something.
Howard took some calls and let a few people talk to Jill Ann before ending the interview. One guy called her a whore but Howard defended her and said that she was just telling people about what goes on up at the Playboy Mansion. Howard had to wrap up after that because they had to move on to the ''Restless, Restless'' contest.
Howard introduced the judges for the contest today. They had a couple of record company guys like Harvey Leeds and John Tita. Howard then introduced Robert Goulet who was live via satellite from North Carolina. Goulet was an entrant in the contest because this guy Ernest asked him to do it for him. Ernest was in the studio with Howard because if Goulet's song wins, he actually wins the prize money. Ernest told Howard how he got to know Mr. Goulet when he did some commercial songs for ESPN. Goulet said that he got a call from Ernest who said that this was a poem that they needed to put to music. Goulet wasn't impressed with the writing and said the guys who wrote it aren't exactly Robert Frost and TS Elliott. Vinnie isn't all that thrilled with the way Goulet performs the song because he misses the whole point of the song. Howard said he can't wait for Goulet to perform but Goulet isn't used to performing at 8 in the morning.
Robert Goulet said he was going to perform the song his way and that's exactly what he did. He performed his song immediately and it sounded just as good as his original recording. Howard was impressed that he took that ''crap song'' and made it a winner.
Howard brought in this guy Jeff Stillman to perform his Honky Tonk version of ''Restless, Restless.'' Jeff thought the lyric was well crafted because it only took him about 15 minutes to come up with the music to go along with the lyrics. Howard had to play the music on his CD player while Jeff sang along to it. He did a nice job singing even though he's not a professional singer. Mr. Goulet was unable to hear the music playing but he heard Jeff sing and thought he was pretty good.
This guy Kevin Remick was the third finalist in the contest. He did a country version of the song but he's actually in a rock band. He said that the lyrics seemed to work with the country music. Kevin said that he thought the lyrics didn't flow very well so he had to work on them for a while. Howard had Kevin perform the song after talking to him for a minute. He had a backup band in the studio with him to perform it.
Howard and the guys thought that Kevin and his band did a great job. Artie seemed to think that he was the most talented guy in the room and couldn't believe that the guy is going to be selling meat in a week. A phone caller asked if they were going to be selling a copy of Goulet's version of the song. Goulet said that he was recently asked to do some rock songs after hearing about all of this stuff and he may put this song out on there with those songs. Goulet said that he thought Kevin's version of the song was very good as well.
Howard liked all three of the finals but he was torn as to who should get the win. It was time to vote after that. Howard saw that they had a lot of phone callers waiting to give their opinion. Everyone was split on who should get the win. Howard went to Harvey Leeds for his vote. Harvey told Howard that he thought the song was a joke when he first heard it. He thought the song was really terrible and didn't think that it could become a hit song but these guys have taken it somewhere he didn't think it could go. Harvey said that Kevin could sell that song because he created something great with those lyrics.
John Tita was up next. He said that Mr. Goulet was fantastic with his version. He told Jeff he was great as well but he had to pick Kevin as being the best. He managed to distract them from the lyrics which is why he had to give him his vote. Howard said that he loved Robert Goulet's version as well and said he couldn't thank him enough for coming on the show to do it. Goulet said that he will send Howard his first CD when he puts out the new rock song stuff. Robin wondered if Goulet knows that he sends Howard a Christmas card every year. Howard thought that he had no idea but Goulet says that he does.
Cabbie came in to present the winner with the $5,000 grand prize to Kevin. The prize money came courtesy of Hemorrelief.com. Howard asked Tom and Vinnie what they thought. They would have thrown their votes to Kevin as well so they were happy with the whole contest. They have their own new web site at RipTheMusic.com where you can hear some of their stuff available to hear.
Howard asked Harvey and John if they would give Kevin a chance in the business. They said that they'd have to hear some more of his stuff but he would certainly have a chance at it. Howard thanked everyone for coming in and then wrapped up the segment and went to break.
Howard said he was shaking hands with Kevin during the break and both Harvey Leeds and John Tita were saying that he could be a recording artist. Fred said he thought that the Robert Goulet version of the song could be a great seller if he put the song out. He said Kevin's music was great but Goulet's version would have a better chance of selling. That led to the guys talking about how Robert Goulet is getting a lot of attention these days and they're thinking of building him a theater in Las Vegas.
Doug Goodstein from E! had a story to tell about Scott the Engineer. He was kind of bummed out yesterday when he saw his son's band's CD in the garbage can there at the station. It was either their program director or the music director who tossed it. The CD was unopened and in the trash.
Howard was under a lot of pressure this morning because Robin brought in some friends of hers with their kids. They had a 9 year old, an 11 year old and a 16 year old sitting there looking at him and he didn't know what he could do on the show because of that. Howard wanted to talk about some adult stuff and it was going to be difficult with these people sitting there. One of the kids said that Howard looked a bit like Sponge Bob Squarepants. Robin said that these people are sort of her family. They're part of a big sister program and they've all stuck together for quite a while.
Artie got in a plug for a gig he's doing out at the Cape Code Melody Tent with Robert Schimmel this weekend. Howard had a ton of other stuff to do but he wanted to get out of there at a decent time. He was going to have Robin start her news but they ended up talking to the kids a little more. One of the kids wants to be a rapper so Howard talked to him a little bit. Dillon, the 16 year old kid, had a whole notebook full of stuff written up. Howard spent a minute talking to him and then let him do some of his rap. Howard wondered where he got the accent from because the rest of his family just talk like average white people. The 9 year old sounds like a mid-westerner while the 16 year old sounds like he's been living on the streets of New York City with every rapper out there. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
Sean the White Rapper called in and challenged Dillion to a rap contest. Sean started to rap a bunch of stuff that Howard thought he could do himself if he had to. Dillon didn't have a comeback to his rap. Howard bailed on that call because he had Jenna Jameson on the line.
Howard said he liked that she thought that he had 8 1/2 inches in his pants. She said she was just kidding about that because she can't gauge that with her knee. Howard asked Jenna about this story of her making out with Jillian Barberie. Jenna said that she mentioned it the other day when she was on the show but he just glanced over it. She went on to tell Howard about what happened at this club they were at. They had met at a video game awards show called G-Phoria about an hour before. They met up at the club and danced together and ended up making out on stage. Jenna said she loves Jillian and she told her she wants to make her a girlfriend. Jenna and Jillian got their own booth and Jillian was feeling her up and getting aggressive with her. They were running hands over each other but they didn't go all the way. Jenna is hoping to get together with her again sometime soon so they can do it.
Howard wondered if Jillian is going to get upset about her talking about this. Jenna said she didn't seem to care when they were doing it there in the club so it probably won't be a problem. Howard said he should just bang both of them because Jillian once told him that she would do it if he wanted. Jenna has some pictures of her and Jillian on her web site ClubJenna.com. She had to get running to the airport after that so Howard let her go. Howard was glad that he got the kids out of the studio while that went on.
The girls were also in to tell Howard how thrilled they are that Burger King now has a veggie burger available. They spent a short time talking about that and how healthy it is compared to a hamburger. The girls all said they try not to kill any living thing if it's possible. One of them said she wouldn't swat a mosquito if it was biting her. She said she'd blow it off. Some of the web sites they got plugs in for included PETA.org, LettuceLadies.com and GoVeg.com.
After the girls left Howard took a break. When he came back he asked Artie what he thought of the veggie burger. He said it wasn't that good. He said it was disappointing to bite into something that looks like a Burger King burger and have it taste like it tasted. Howard said he might like it because he doesn't eat red meat anymore. Howard said that it was Benjy who came up with the idea to threaten to kill stuff to get them to do things. Howard and Robin wonder what he's up to at his home.
Howard said when the PETA chicks were leaving they said they wanted to call an animal rescue guy to pick up the fish they had because they didn't want it killed. Artie told Howard they should see what they can get the animal rescue guy to do when he shows up. He suggested they try to get him to do some gay stuff.
Since they were talking about animals Gary said he heard that Robin has cat problems. First of all she has 7 cats in her home. She brought together her ''city cats'' and her ''country cats'' in her house and they don't get along. She said that she's had to go to the vet a few times because the injuries have been so bad. One cat had a broken leg and others have had bites get infected. Howard also asked her about her horses and if she still has them. She still owns Blaze but that's it. She keeps it out in New Jersey and hasn't ridden him in years.
Howard had to meet the guy so he came in today. Howard talked to him about the history of his tape and why he sent this stuff to Oprah. Ray said that he'd sent some ideas to her by registered mail a couple of times and she didn't even acknowledge the fact that he sent the stuff. He then got upset and sent this tape to her.
After talking to Ray about that for a short time he talked about Ray's man-boobs. Ray calls himself an ''effeminate male'' who has natural breasts brought on by the use of hormones... but he also has a moustache. He said he's not trying to be a woman by dressing in drag or anything like that, he's just an effeminate male.
Howard let Raymond ramble on and on about his wacky ideas for TV shows for a while. Raymond said that he's got a lot of ideas for his own TV talk show too. He and Howard discussed that idea for a short time. Howard said he'd like to make a film about Ray's mission to meet Oprah. After the interview Howard said he still didn't know why Raymond was upset with Oprah.