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(First Time Video Girls)
Howard started off the show talking about how it was a ''minute past the top of the hour.'' He said that they're on at a bunch of different times in the various markets he's in. Robin found it funny that he was saying how early it was but wouldn't say what time it was. He was saying it was past the top of the hour so she was making fun of that and laughing at him about it.
Howard said he was busy this weekend cooking. He said he's still grilling and taking lessons from Steven Raichlen (How to Grill...). He said he's going to be grilling a turkey for Thanksgiving this year and he was testing it out this past weekend. He was grilling it with a can of beer and had to use a giant can of beer to do it. He said it took three hours to grill the turkey but it came out beautiful. He said he made some grilled french fries and some other vegetables as well. He smoked everything as well and said that his hair still smells like smoke even though he's washed it a couple of times since Saturday. He told Robin that the grilling really relaxes him and he enjoys it. Howard told Robin that the turkey was really moist after grilling it with the beer. Howard said he was very nervous about using the size can of beer he had because Steve suggests a 32 oz. can and all he could get was a 25 oz. He said most of the can was gone after 3 hours of grilling. He told Robin about how he put some seasoning into the can of beer and how that worked. He said he went to a farmer's market and got the vegetables and stuff himself. Robin said she sees him doing his own cooking show one day.
Howard told Robin about all of the veggies that he had cooking. He had the potatoes sliced up with the acorn squash and other stuff right there on the grill. He said Beth complains that she doesn't see him the whole time he's cooking. He said he's the one doing the cooking so that's what happens. He said she has the hard job of cleaning up all of the dishes and stuff. Robin said she wants to try this food and told him to save her some next time. Howard said she should really have it when it's warm though.
Howard told Robin he uses Royal Oak Hickory chips but is running low. He said Steve gave him a couple bags of the stuff but he doesn't know where to find more. A short time after that a listener called in and read from an article that says that the smoke from a grill can create more dioxins than hundreds of thousands of cigarettes. Howard thought that the article was a joke because it said something about Mayor Bloomberg reviewing the possibility of taxing charcoal. Howard tried to explain to the caller that the comment about Mayor Bloomberg was probably a joke but the guy didn't seem to get it.
Howard took a few more phone calls from people who had some questions about grilling. One guy asked if you can taste the beer in the turkey when you cook it the way he did. Howard said you don't taste it, it just keeps the turkey moist. Another caller told Howard about how dangerous grilling is because of the smoke and stuff if you do it too much. Howard doesn't seem to care about that though and it doesn't sound like he's going to stop.
Howard said he was thinking about Jackie the Joke Man this weekend because he used to take all of these turkey's home when the company would give them out to the employees each year. He said he now understands why he used to take them home all the time.
Howard said Artie is in L.A. for three days for some TV show meetings. Howard said Artie got a sweetheart of a deal where this company has him on a holding deal. He has to read some scripts and figure out if he wants to do any of these TV shows he's offered. Howard said even if Artie doesn't end up making any of the shows he's offered, he still gets half of the money they offer him.
A listener called in and said that when you cook with a beer can you have to worry about the paint burning off or coming off on the turkey. Howard said Steve Raichlen had a bunch of scientific tests done on the cooking process and they found that the paint does not come off on the turkey when it's cooked like that. He said you don't have to worry about that stuff. The caller went on to ask Howard if he had met Beth before Alison, would he have married her. Howard went into a whole discussion about how great Alison was when he found her and how worried he was about finding someone at that age. He said he had no idea what he was doing back then and was afraid of his future. Robin told Howard that he's pretty much married to Beth now so he might as well be married to her. Howard said she's right because they've been in a 3 year relationship and they spend all of their time together.
Howard said Kelly and Jack Osbourne were coming in later on. He said Sharon was supposed to come in to talk about her talk show but she sent the kids over instead. He said porn star Mary Carey is also coming in to talk about her run for Governor of California. He had to take a break after talking about that stuff.
Howard said that KC gave him a tape of a cover song that Fred Durst did for ''Behind Blue Eyes.'' KC said that it was more like a Karaoke version of the song because they didn't change it around all that much. Howard said he likes that though because he's not a big fan of Roger Daltrey's. Howard played some of the song and both he and Robin seemed to enjoy the song. Howard also had a clip of a KoRn song that the guys gave him but he wasn't sure why he had it. He played part of it and then was told that they covered a Neil Diamond song. KC called in from the production studio to tell Howard why he was playing the song even though he already knew. Howard told him to come in anyway because he had something else to talk to him about.
Howard went on to talk about how Sharon Osbourne has been talking about how people are picking on Jack about his rehab and stuff like that and asked them to lay off of him. Howard said that it might be best to keep the kid off of TV if you don't want people picking on him about stuff.
Dan said that the pictures he took are nudes of Jenna but Howard doesn't think they're worth anything. Dan said that they're probably worth something to one of her fans out there. Howard suggested that he hold on to them and show them to his grand kids some day. Dan claims that he didn't introduce Jenna to the drugs she talked about on her E! True Hollywood Story. He said he did drugs with her but she'd already gotten into that stuff before then. Robin and Howard asked the guy a bunch of questions and then another caller said that he'd pay $5000 for these pictures sight unseen. It turned out to be Melrose Larry Green who isn't a welcome guest on the show. Howard hung up on him and then took some other calls. One guy said Dan was a wacko and shouldn't be on the air. Howard said he'd take down Dan's number and they'd find out of Jenna wants to talk to him. He also said it was okay to give his number to anyone who wants the pictures.
Howard and Robin asked him why he needs this money so bad right now. He said he's got some legal troubles right now but he'd rather not talk about it at this point. Gary came in and attempted to get him to talk about what his legal problems were. He didn't want to talk about it no matter what they said to him about it. He said he was afraid that he would jeopardize the case if he talked about it on the air. Howard and Robin tried to figure out what it could be but he wasn't talking. Gary said he could find out what it was in a second because he was arrested for something. Dan eventually said that it had to do with drug charges. He claims that he's innocent and needs the money to get legal representation.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that the guy was arrested for selling Meth but Dan said that wasn't the case. He kept saying he didn't want to talk about it right now. He said when the case is over he'll come back on the show and talk about it. Howard put him back on hold and spent a minute talking to Dominic about his weight loss. Howard goofed on him a little bit and then took a break.
Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about the California recall election. Howard read that Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the lead in the polls but Robin said he's really not. She read from a few different polls that say that Cruz Bustamonte is actually ahead of Arnold. Howard didn't want to hear that and thinks that Arnold is in the lead.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the Durex condoms that Howard was talking about recently. The guy said the ''extra sensative'' condoms are supposed to be fore getting more sensation which is the opposite of what Howard was saying. Howard said he didn't care what the box says because he felt that it was less sensation so he lasts longer. He hung up on the guy and moved on to other things.
A listener called in and said that Suzanne Somers was bad mouthing Howard the other day when she was promoting a product on a shopping channel. Howard said that he's given her plenty of promotion over the years and when you give a little bit of criticism, she goes nuts. Howard was pointing out how she was going around talking about John Ritter like she was his wife or something when she didn't get along with him for 20 some years. Howard goofed on her a little bit and then took another call.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that this chick Giuliana from E! News just broke up with her boyfriend and she's a huge fan of Howard's. Chaunce sent over a transcript of what she said about Howard so he read that. She says that she's a huge fan and would love to be on the show. She was dating Jerry O'Connell and just broke up with him so Howard told Gary to book her on the show based on what she said in Chaunce's interview.
Howard took a call from a 23 year old guy who wanted to know if he should get married or not. Howard told him not to get married unless he's a complete loser who will never get another woman in his life. The guy's cell phone started to crap out so he had to bail out on the call.
A caller asked Howard about some of the stuff that's been going on with the show. He was calling from Colorado so he didn't know much about Jackie leaving the show and wondered if Fred left with him. Howard told the guy that Fred is just quiet and doesn't talk a lot on the air. The guy also asked about Howard's ex-wife and if he keeps in touch with her. Howard said that he has to talk to her because they have 3 kids together. He said they still talk a little bit and he has met her new husband and he's a nice guy.
Jack and Kelly talked about how they have 3 bull dogs now, Lola, Peggy and Colin. They asked Howard how his dog is doing as well. Howard said he could never have as many dogs as the Osbournes do because he couldn't deal with them peeing all over the place all the time. Jack said they have dog walkers now so they don't have that problem anymore. Jack said he actually forgot one of the dog's names the other day because they have so many. He had to ask a security guard what the dog's name was. Kelly said her mother will cry when she has to leave the dogs sometimes.
Howard talked about how glamorous Sharon has gotten over the past few years. He said he thinks he'd bang her if he had the chance. He asked Kelly what she thinks about that. Kelly said she doesn't think about stuff like that. Howard went on to talk about how Ozzy has cheated on Sharon in the past and wondered if the kids would be surprised if their mom cheated on Ozzy. Kelly said she doesn't think her mother would do anything like that. She's not even sure her parents still have sex. Howard said that they probably do still do it, they just don't know about it. Howard said he didn't think his parents still had sex but they do. Howard said he spoke to Ozzy and Sharon about having sex at dinner and they're still doing it. Kelly was in denial and said that she doesn't want to believe that they still do it.
Kelly told Howard that Ozzy is working on a new musical and he has written some great songs for it. Jack seemed to think it was a top secret project but Kelly said it was no big deal because he tells everyone about it.
Howard asked Kelly about her boyfriends and talked about seeing Kelly back stage at a concert he was at. He said that she was just starting to get sexual at the time and that's why he remembers it so well. Howard asked her about banging guys and stuff but she didn't want to go there with him. Kelly said she's going to be moving out on her own soon because she wants to be able to walk around in her own house in her underwear without worrying about having 20 people downstairs. She also told Howard about how bad she was treated by this guy she was dating. She said she really loved the guy but he treated her like crap and would say stuff like ''I just want to rock and you get in the way.'' Howard asked her if the guy has been using condoms with these guys. She said that she does but Jack said she was asking her mother about using The Pill and stuff like that. She said she had other reasons for that.
Howard asked Kelly if she's ever had an orgasm with a man. She said she wasn't going there so Howard wondered when she got all serious and didn't want to talk about stuff like that. Kelly wanted to know when he was going to start asking Jack about his love life. Howard said he'd get to him soon enough, she was just the warm up. Howard said that he would ask Sharon's permission before he banged Kelly. Kelly said that she would never bang him and that she doesn't like saggy balls. Howard told her that he doesn't have saggy balls, they're as tight as a 10 year old's. He also told her that Beth has told him that he has the cutest penis she's seen. Howard continued to say that he would have to get permission from Kelly's parents before he banged her. She kept saying that she would never let him bang her no matter what.
Howard asked Kelly when she last had sex. She once again said she wasn't going there. He kept trying to find out if she has gotten off and had her world rocked by a guy yet. She wouldn't talk about that but said that she has walked in on Jack having sex. She caught him masturbating one time while sitting in his chair in front of his computer with porn on the screen. Howard told the kids that he used to have cyber sex and stuff like that years ago. He said it's not cheating even though everyone there seemed to think it was. He told them that he once found out a guy was having cyber sex with him and he didn't know it at the time. He said it's like reading porn and it's not cheating.
Howard took a call from an Ozzy impersonator who told Howard he had permission to bang his daughter. Jack said the guy was pretty good with some of his words but not the whole impression. The delay ended up getting hit a couple of times during the call so we missed out on some of it.
Howard spent a short time talking about Jack and how many women come on to him. He's been with a lot of older women and Kelly doesn't think it's right. She said he was with a 27 year old woman one time and she ended up yelling at her. Kelly said that Jack could have just about any woman he wants so he should go for someone closer to his age. Jack told Howard that he started banging when he was only 14 or so. The girl was only 15 or 16 at the time. Kelly wanted to know who it was but he wasn't going to tell her on the air. Howard said that he'd tell her who it was if she talked about whether or not she's had an orgasm with a guy or not.
Howard talked to the kids about their mother and how tired she gets doing her talk show. Kelly said that she gets tired because she pushes herself too hard, not because the schedule is too hard. Jack said that he's worried about her health and has had some nightmares about it. He also told Howard that her ratings have been picking up a bit since the show started.
Howard asked Jack about his rehab and how he's been handling it since going through it. Howard said that he just wanted to know how he was doing but Kelly didn't want to go there. She said that Jack is going to be known as Ozzy's son who went through rehab. Howard said he won't be known like that though and that will be forgotten some day.
Howard asked Kelly about why she dropped out of doing ''Freaky Friday.'' She explained what happened with that and how they changed some of the cast so she decided not to do it.
Howard got back to Jack's rehab and asked him if he's able to get laid in there. Jack said you're not allowed to do that because you'll be kicked out. Kelly answered for him at first so he asked her to let him answer for himself for once. Howard spent a little while on the rehab subject. They ended up talking about toilet cleaning and plunging. Kelly said they have one toilet that gets clogged really often and her father loves that he gets to fix something when he goes to get the plunger. Howard said he has to plunge his toilet when he takes a big dump. He said he has some trouble when he gets the doody on the plunger though.
Howard gave the kids a plug for ''The Osbournes - The Second Season DVD'' which is out now. He said they must be rolling on dough with how popular the TV show became. They ended up talking about how Ozzy has said that he's going to have to tour for the rest of his life because they spend all of his money. Kelly said that her mother is great at managing his money though and Ozzy just doesn't realize that.
Gary came in and said that Sharon said that there are some people that she just won't have on her talk show. He told Howard that she won't have Sting and Trudy or Courtney Love on her show. Kelly said that she doesn't think that Courtney is one of the people on that list but they have had some things go on with Sting and Trudy that would keep them off the show.
Howard played a little bit of Kelly and Ozzy's song ''Changes'' that's on her album of the same name. Howard said he thinks it's a pretty good song. Kelly said she never thought she'd do anything like that with her father. Howard asked Kelly if her older sister is upset about her success. Both Jack and Kelly said they're not that close with their sister these days.
Stuttering John came in and said that a lot of people were calling in with some rumors about the kids. He said someone said that Courtney Love gave Jack his first Oxycontin but Jack said that wasn't true. John said another caller told him that Kelly dated Elijah Wood but Kelly said that wasn't true.
Howard took a couple more calls before ending the interview. One guy said he'd rock Kelly's world if he was with her. Another guy asked her if she's into anal sex. She said that if anyone even rubbed her butt she'd kill them. Howard said she's still young yet and she'll probably give it up some day. Howard said she'll come see him some day, like 5 years from now, and she'll tell him that all she wants is anal.
Howard gave the kids a couple more plugs for their DVD ''The Osbournes - The Second Season.'' He asked them if they're going to do another season of the show. Jack said they're actually going to start shooting soon. Howard took one last call for Kelly. A guy asked her if she's shaved or unshaved. Howard said she must be shaved and asked her if she's completely shaved. Kelly said she has a thing with hair and doesn't like it at all. She said if Howard trims his hair, it would just show off his saggy balls.
Howard tried to find out who Jack is banging these days. He wasn't talking and wouldn't say who he's going out with. Howard wondered if he's banging the Olson twins. That's not who he's going out with, it was just a guess on Howard's part. Howard also asked Kelly about her hanging out with Avril Lavigne. Kelly said they just have to do a lot of things in the same places at the same time so they end up hanging out together. Howard asked her if she's ever made out with her. Kelly hasn't done that but she and Jack talked about how their sister Aimee once made out with a girl at her birthday party and freaked out their mother. Howard took one last call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she pictures Howard's balls as being beautiful and tight unlike what Kelly was saying earlier. She also told the kids to come up with some interesting stuff to talk about. Kelly told Mariann she was boring and told Howard to get her off the line. Howard did that and wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard said people love when they play the voice mail and stuff like that. He said he'd do that tomorrow. He went on to read some email they've gotten lately about the show. Howard said they got a lot of mail about the sex talk he was doing last Friday. Some people loved it, some hated it. Same with Yucko the Clown and John the Stutterer who were on last week. Howard said some people hate Yucko and some love him.
Howard said someone wrote in about how strange it was on the E! show where KC flipped out and cursed at Howard and then walked out and put Chap Stick on. Howard said he does like that Chap Stick for some reason. Howard said that Dateline on NBC did a report on Whitney Houston last night and it was kind of disturbing.
Howard brought in Porn Star Mary Carey who is running for Governor of California. Howard said you might recognize her as the woman who had her head flushed in the toilet on their E! show. He heard that she was a little bit drunk this morning. She said that she was still a little drunk from the night before. She had some vodka and tonics and was still feeling the effects.
Howard said that Mary looked a little heavier than she used to be. She said that she got divorced and had a lot of other stuff going on in her life and gained a few pounds. Howard asked Mary about how she contracted Gonorrhea the first time she ever shot a scene for a porn movie. Mary said that she had to get a bunch of shots and take a bunch of antibiotics. She's working for a company now that won't allow her to use a condom with a guy so she's kind of bummed out about that.
''Arnold Schwarzenegger'' was on the line to debate Mary but he didn't want to do that on the phone. Howard said that Arnold is now number one in the polls so it's a great thing for him. Howard asked Arnold if he's ever had any problems with Gonorrhea in his life. Arnold wasn't talking about that stuff though. Howard let Mary give her stance on some stuff that she'd be for in this recall election. Mary said that she wants to keep strip clubs open until 4am and to legalize gay marriages. Arnold said he's for the strip club thing as well. She also said she'd like to put web cams in the governor's mansion and do a reality TV show thing. Arnold said he likes her ''porn for pistols'' idea as well. Howard let Arnold go a short time after that and told Mary that she was able to handle the debate pretty well.
Howard read that Mary dated Tom Green and gave him oral after she did his show. She said it wasn't right after the show, it was a few days later. She told Howard that he really is just like he is on his show. Howard asked her what it was like to go on a date with him. She said she went over to his house and watched some TV shows about sharks. She said he makes jokes through the shark programs and it was fun. She said there was some awkwardness in the show as well. She said she didn't want to have sex with him so she just gave him oral instead. She said they were watching ''The Sopranos'' when they started to make out. She said he took her by the hand and then took her to his bedroom. Howard asked her if she got to see his one testicle. She said he kept it hidden from her the whole time so she didn't get to see it. She said she gave him oral two times that night and didn't get to see his sack either time. She said that he gave her oral as well and he was very good at it. Mary said Tom found out that she told a friend of hers who works for a porn gossip site about being with him and he got a little upset about that.
Mary also told Howard about being with Pauly Shore not too long ago. He apparently asked her not to mention him on Howard's show but it didn't stop her. She said they really didn't do anything with him though.
Howard spent a few more minutes with Mary talking to her about her run for governor. KC came in at one point and said that he wanted to flush her head in the toilet while they asked her about her run for governor. Mary said she can't do that anymore because she's under contract with this new company.
A guy called in and said that he banged Mary when she was pretty young. They talked about that for a minute and then another caller said that he went to prep school with her and she's the most famous person to have graduated from the school. They don't talk about her there though. A couple of other callers got through and asked some wacky questions. The delay got hit a few times though so we didn't hear all of them.
Howard wrapped up the interview and said you can find out more about Mary at ClubMary.com and see her on Playboy TV's ''Totally Busted.''
Howard started off talking about Jeff Schick from IBM who was there to fix their computer system this morning. Howard said that he wanted to talk to Jeff because he read an article in the paper about a new chip that IBM had invented. Jeff came in a short time later to talk about what was going on. Howard read the article to Jeff and asked him if he knew about this new chip. Of course he did. Howard said this new chip will allow cell phones that need charging only once a week and a bunch of other stuff like small GPS tracking chips that can be put on pets and stuff like that. Howard wondered when he will be able to get this technology. Jeff said that it should be out ''fairly soon'' and we'll see new battery technologies and stuff like that in the near future. Jeff started to explain stuff in a computer nerd-like way so Howard goofed on him a little bit about that.
Robin told Howard about this phone she has that allows her to keep her Palm Pilot stuff in the phone. She said her phone rang the other day and it asked her if she wanted to pick up. She didn't have to press anything, she just said ''yes'' and it answered for her. Howard told her that Jeff was talking about this stuff 10 years ago.
Howard said his friend has a phone that's also a Palm Pilot device which is pretty impressive. Robin told him that's what she has so she'll have to show it to him. Howard was talking about other computer-like phone devices that can also handle IM functions and stuff like that.
Howard spent a little more time talking to Jeff about what's going on over at IBM. Then Dominic Barbara called in and told Howard how these new chips will allow people, cars or clothes to be followed with GPS tracking devices. He said a woman can track her husband to find out where he's going. Jeff said there are more interesting things that chips like that will be used for. He said they could put your personal info on a chip, walk through a mall and get specific advertising and other info targeted toward you. Robin said they could use this technology to stop terrorism as well. She said they could put explosive devices on people as well and if they screw up, they blow them up. Jeff said there was a movie like that one time and they'd blow people's heads off if they left their partner.
Howard said there are smart billboards out there that recognize certain types of cars on the road. Dominic brought up how some of this technology is already out there and his investigators are using GPS tracking devices to keep an eye on cheating spouses.
Howard thanked Jeff for coming in and let him go a short time later. He said that Jeff gets really nervous when he comes in. Robin reminded Howard that Jeff did a version of a Def Leppard song for them one time on the air. Howard didn't remember it happening so Fred and Stuttering John reminded him what he did. Jeff came back in and said that he actually performed ''War Pigs'' for Howard while Fred played guitar. Howard wanted him to perform another song for them so Fred grabbed his guitar to play for Jeff.
Howard said that his girlfriend Beth ran into Fred's wife yesterday and she looked gorgeous. She also said that the baby looks more like Alison now and not Fred. Howard was killing some time while Fred set up with the guitar. Jeff then suggested that they play ''Whole Lotta Love'' so that's what Fred played. Jeff sang the song and actually didn't sound too bad. Howard said he really commits when he performs. Howard said he was going to be locked up in a mental institution after that performance. Howard said Jeff is wasting his time at IBM. Howard said he's going to block that out again because he lets that guy in his house.
Howard brought up how Kelly Osbourne told him that she wouldn't date him because he's too old and has saggy balls. He said he went home last night and checked himself out in the mirror. Beth came home last night and he told her what Kelly was saying. Beth told him that he does have saggy balls even though he doesn't think he does. Howard said that he started saying that she sags as well. She said that he has the most beautiful penis she's ever seen though. Howard said he had no idea that he had saggy balls. Now he's upset with that and he's obsessed with his balls. He said he shaves his balls so they don't have any billy goat hairs. Robin wanted to see them but he doesn't want the E! guys getting a shot of that. Robin said that a lot of guys have saggy balls so he should be upset.
A woman called in and told Howard how great she thought Jeff Schick sounded earlier. Howard thought her voice sounded pretty cute so he asked her a few questions about her weight and looks. She said she's 35 years old, 5' tall and weighs about 110 pounds. He asked her if she has short stubby legs and ''kankles.'' She said she doesn't have anything like that and she's pretty hot. Howard said Jeff is going to hear all of this and go home thinking about it today. Howard said her looks are better left as a fantasy after Robin asked if she could e-mail them a picture.
Howard took a couple more calls about Jeff Schick's performance earlier. One guy said Jeff was better than most of the guys who come on the show. Howard said if Jeff had a band behind him, he would have been great. He had to take a break a short time later.
Howard was out at a party the other day and there were photographers all over the place again. He said that they have all kinds of videographers and photographers at these parties he goes to and he hates it. He said Regis was at the party as well but he ran right out the door when he saw what was going on. Howard said maybe he ran out when he saw him there.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said that Howard is always bitching about having his picture taken but it comes with the job. Howard said he doesn't mind having his picture taken. It's when he goes to what he thinks is a cocktail party and then gets photographed and taped like he's doing an appearance. He said he doesn't need more bad pictures of himself floating around out there. That led to Howard talking about Madonna's recent book signing where she limited her time with fans to 14 seconds and had some other ridiculous rules. Robin said she only agreed to see 250 people and they had to wait 4 hours to see her. Howard said no one should have shown up for that appearance.
Howard said the new Jack Black movie ''The School of Rock'' is a great movie. He said Black has a quality about him like John Belushi had and he's a big screen presence. He said the movie in anyone else's hands wouldn't have worked. With Jack Black though, it did work. He said Robin might not like the movie but he really did. He said Entertainment Weekly gave it an A rating as well. He told Robin what the movie was about and how funny Jack Black is in the movie. He said he's giving it ''two saggy balls up.'' He said the movie wasn't well written but Jack was so good in it, it didn't matter. Howard said he liked ''Shallow Hal'' as well. He said he hates putting his ass on the line when it comes to a movie like that but he thought it was good.
Howard said Quentin Tarantino was on The Tonight Show last night and was obviously drunk. Jay Leno wouldn't let him talk about being drunk though so it was really lame. Howard said Tarantino was funny on the show and wanted to talk about why he was drunk but Jay wouldn't let that happen for some odd reason. Howard said he heard that Jay has a cocktail cart backstage like Jimmy Kimmel does so some of the guests can get plastered.
Howard got a lot of e-mail about Mary Carey being good on the show yesterday. He also got a lot of mail about Kelly and Jack Osbourne but that was negative. He read some of the mail and a lot of people seemed to be pissed that he had them on the show. He read one negative e-mail after another. He then moved on to some mail about Mary Carey. He got a lot of good feedback but there were also some negative e-mails about her being on the show.
Howard read some other mail about the new NBC show ''Coupling'' and how bad it was. Howard didn't like it and said that a lot of people agreed with him. He went on to talk about some of the new TV shows that are out and how good they are. He said ''Jake 2.0'' and ''I'm With Her'' are really good. He said ''Coupling'' sucks and the new Kelly Ripa show is pretty bad but she's so cute on the show that he watched it. He said he hopes that the show is successful because he wants to see Kelly do well because Kathie Lee Gifford wasn't able to pull anything like that off when she was working with Regis.
Howard talked about how relationships don't work out sometimes when one person becomes more successful than the others. He talked about Kelly Ripa and he husband and Jennifer Garner and her ex Scott Foley.
Howard said the new Alicia Silverstone show ''Mismatch'' is unwatchable. Robin said she's got a bad tooth that's disturbing to look at as well. She also said that Ryan O'Neal shouldn't be put in any TV show.
Howard read an e-mail from a guy who pointed out that when you look at a woman nude, you don't see her vagina, you are looking at her vulva. Robin said she thought Howard just referred to it as vagina because the word is funny. Howard said he really thought it was just the vagina.
Howard said one guy is upset that they've been rushing through the news lately. The writer said that's their favorite part of the show so he doesn't want them to rush. Howard read a couple more e-mails and then took a break.
Howard said that Tawny Kitaen is coming in later on. He said that back in the 1980's she was basically the Carmen Electra of the time. Howard said she was in a lot of rock videos and was really hot. He said she's in the movie ''Bachelor Party'' and looked great in that. He said he used to wack it to her like 8 times a day back then. He had her on his channel 9 TV show back then as well and had a little crush on her. He said he went to Donald Trumps wedding many years ago and he was talking to Tawny. OJ Simpson came over and the two of them started making out. It turns out Tawny dated OJ years ago. He said after the whole OJ Simpson murder thing Tawny stopped coming on the show. A couple of years ago Howard heard about Tawny getting married and how she beat up her baseball player husband. Then there was a terrible mug shot picture of her where she looked horrible. He said she looked like Linda Blair in the ''Exorcist.'' They just heard from her recently and she wanted to come in and prove that she doesn't look like she did in that mug shot. Howard said he hopes she is hot. He said if she walks in and she's not hot, he's not sure what he's going to do. He said he might have to talk to her from the green room to tell her that he might not think she's not hot. He said even if she's not hot, it would be tough to tell her that. He said she's 41 years old and he's not sure how much longer she can stay hot. Howard wondered what woman is hot at that age. Robin said that Suzanne Somers looked good at that age. There were a few others that looked good at that age so maybe Tawny will look good as well.
Howard said that this Dr. Phil (or Dr. Full as Howard is now calling him) is really pissing him off with this diet book he has out. He said the guy has a diet book out but he's still fat. He saw a picture of him with his belly fat hanging over his belt the other day and it was really upsetting. He said if he's selling diet books, Oprah Winfrey should be selling lingerie. He went off on Dr. Phil's redneck accent and said he doesn't take it seriously. Howard said Daniel Carver is thinner and could put out a book about dieting for white people or something like that. Howard and Robin both seem to think that Dr. Phil is trying to cash in while he can because his bubble could burst at any time now. Howard said there are people out there who buy into his crap and he doesn't get it. He also pointed out how Madonna has a children's book out as well and it just doesn't make sense because they're not qualified to write these things.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how Heather Locklear is holding up at 40. Howard said she's still good looking and she's holding it together. Sheryl Crow looks good as well according to Howard. He said he'd still do Heather Locklear even at her age.
A guy calling himself Harmonica Bob told Howard that he had some words from a 1935 dictionary. He said there were a bunch of ''nig*er'' references in there but Howard didn't believe what he was saying. The guy said he'd mail the dictionary to Howard.
A listener called in and said that on David Letterman's show last night he and Denzel Washington were talking about Coca Cola and he seemed to think it was product placement. Howard had the clip there so he played it and tried to figure out if it was product placement. Howard said he doesn't think it was but who knows. That led to Howard talking about how weird Dave is about this whole marriage thing. He said the rumor is that Dave was married 4 weeks ago and he won't talk about it on the air. He said that must drive his wife nuts. That's the whole reason you get married, you want to tell everyone that you love that woman and that's why you do the whole wedding.
Howard said there's a product out there for guys to take to make their semen taste better. He read an article about this product called Semen-ex that is supposed to make it taste fruity. Howard said he'd take it if it made a woman want it even more.
Howard said his old program director Kevin Metheney, AKA Pig Virus, is out doing a lecture series on how to handle personalities. Howard thinks it's ridiculous because the guy treated him so bad that it made him want to quit radio. He said it's absurd that the guy is doing a lecture on something like that. Howard said the guy is a no talent phony and he hates him. He said he had no vision at all and even Stevie Wonder had more vision than him.
Howard played a clip of Bill Maher talking to Michael Moore and Charles Barkley about terrorism. In the clip Maher said that maybe we are overreacting to terrorism. Moore says that we are overreacting and the whole terrorism thing is just the government trying to get us hyped up to go with their plans. Howard said that this is nonsense because the government is actually reacting to something that happened to us and it's a good thing. He said the whole thing is a wacky thought. Moore was saying that there is no ''terrorist threat'' but there are acts of terrorism out there and there will continue to be acts of terrorism. Howard and the guys spent some time talking about that and how there is a threat of terrorism in our future. Howard said the 9/11 attacks were just the first wave of attacks. Charles Barkley agrees with Moore in the clip Howard had. Barkley said that he thinks that the terrorists that may attack in the future are already here in the country and they will do whatever they will do.
Howard took some calls about the terrorism thing after playing the clip. One woman said that our attacks on other countries are just for world domination, not to stop terrorism. Other callers said that they were happy with what Howard had to say about all of this and for backing the government for what they've been doing over the past 2 years. One caller wanted to know why Howard was busting Bill Maher's balls because it was Moore who was saying there is no terrorism. Howard said that Maher started the whole thing. Howard got fed up with the whole discussion a few minutes later. He said he just wanted to talk about banging and stuff like that. He said he had to take a break but he played Jeff Schick's ''Whole Lotta Love'' cover first.
A listener called in and asked Howard how many drinks he's been having lately. He said he usually limits it to 6 drinks a week. The caller said that Howard seems to be drinking more and more over time. Stuttering John came in a short time later so the focus was on him. John drinks a case of beer on a weekend so Howard was talking about how he's an alcoholic. During the discussion Howard asked John if he found out what sex his third child is going to be. He said it's another girl. He said he thinks he's stopping at 3. John got back to Howard's drinking and said that he's seen Howard drink more than 8 drinks in a weekend. Howard said it doesn't take all that much to get him drunk so he doesn't have to have more than 3 or so a night. The guys pointed out that he drinks more when he grills. He said that's a different story. He also said that he had 2 glasses of wine at the cocktail party he was at last night. Stuttering John said that the drinks Howard orders are considered more than one drink. He gets a vodka with a splash of cranberry so it's actually 3 shots of vodka, not just one.
Gary told Howard that Tawny was there so they discussed whether or not they should vote on if she's hot or not. He also told Howard that Richie from E! got a shot of her ass where you can see like 2 inches of crack sticking out of her pants. The guys were discussing if they were going to vote on if she's just hot or if she's as hot as she was back in the 80's. Howard said he'd play some voice mail first, then take a break and bring Tawny in. Gary told Howard that she's still on the fence about the whole OJ Simpson thing as well. Howard said maybe they should bring her right in... but then ended up talking to Gary and John about drinking. John was saying that he only drinks a case of beer on a weekend that he has a party or something like that. He said he'll be drinking tonight when he goes to the Yankees game though.
Robin asked Tawny about the fight she had with her husband and what happened there. Tawny claims that she didn't beat him up, he beat her up. Howard also asked Tawny about the OJ Simpson thing and if she thinks that he's innocent. She said that the OJ she knows could not have done something like that. Tawny said that she didn't make out with OJ the night he saw them at Donald Trump's wedding either. Both Howard and Gary said he did dip her and tongue kiss her though. She doesn't remember it that way though. Howard spent a little more time talking about OJ. She said she has spoken to him since the murders so Howard wanted to know what she said to him. She said she spoke to him when he was in jail. Gary said that he heard that the 911 call that Nicole made years ago about OJ may have had something to do with OJ buying Tawny jewelry. She said she was going to plead the Fifth when Robin asked her if OJ did buy her jewelry.
Tawny told Howard that age has done a lot for his looks. Robin said that it has made his balls saggy... He still won't admit that's the case though. Gary ran out to get some photos of Howard's girlfriend to show them to Tawny. Tawny said she's beautiful and reminds her of a friend of hers. Howard had to take a break and Tawny wanted to know how long they were going to go through the OJ stuff. She thought they'd talked about him enough at this point.
Howard asked Tawny about her ex-husband and what he's up to. She said he's getting the kids up and getting them ready for school. She said they live a short distance from each other now and he gets most of the custody of the kids. She seems to think that she should have gotten custody so Howard thought that maybe she did beat up her husband. Gary reminded Howard that Tawny had some problems with Vicodin back then so that may have had something to do with it.
Tawny told Howard about how she was forced to take a shower when she was in jail by two women with guns in their hands. Howard thought that was pretty hot so he tried to get all of the details about the incident. She told him about it and he seemed to like what he was hearing. They spent a couple of minutes on the subject but Howard had to take a break.
After the break Howard said he and Tawny were having a discussion but they were both f'ing each other in their heads. Howard told her that he used to wack off to her years ago. She said she was speechless after hearing that.
Howard said Tawny was there to say that she's not a drug addict anymore but she said she never was one. She told Howard how she used to isolate herself in her room at home and didn't go out anywhere. She said her life was horrible for a while and she let herself go. Tawny told Howard that she had a choice to make back when she had her kids. She could sit at home and be a mother or go out to California and work. She ended up staying home and slept for 15 hours a day for a while. She said now she helps women who are abused. Howard told her that he finds women in distress arousing.
Howard asked Tawny about her Vicodin use and what that did to her. She said it made her very hungry so she was eating. Howard brought up the fact that Tawny has her own store now and gave her some plugs for that. Tawny said she will have a store on the web soon but for now her brick and morter store is in Costa Mesa, California and it's called Tawny K's. You can e-mail her at TawnyKs@yahoo.com. They will mail everyone when the online store is ready to open.
Howard tried to talk to Tawny about OJ Simson and how they were friends years ago. Howard said he pictures OJ splitting her like wood. He also said something about picturing him as being very veiny. She talked about how her husband is still abusing her and threatened to tape the whole Howard Stern show so he can play it for his lawyers. He told her he can't believe she's going on that ''white trash'' show. Howard said he can't believe it either.
Howard went through some of the other guys who have tried to get Tawny over the years. He brought up Dody Fayed and Jerry Seinfeld. Tawny said that Jerry was a good, nice, Jewish boy. She said she can say that because she's a good Jewish girl. Howard said he didn't know that.
Tawny told Howard that people should just go on through their life doing what they want to do to be happy. Howard said that OJ did just that. Howard spent a little more time on the OJ subject after that. He tried to convince her that OJ was guilty but she didn't want to say anything bad about him. She told Howard that she actually had a run in with Nicole Brown one time and she wasn't very nice to her. She told Howard the story about how nasty she was to her when she was over for a party one time. Howard thought the story was pretty hot.
Howard found out that Tawny's kids have names like Winter and Rainy so he goofed on her a little bit about that. He asked her why she didn't go for Orenthal James or Foggy instead of Winter and Rainy. That led to them talking about Tawny's relationship with her husband. She said things started to fall apart before they even had the kids. She said she got pregnant because the guy was banging her without a condom. She said she thought she couldn't get pregnant for some reason but she did. Howard told her that if she was with him, she'd get pregnant on the first shot. He said that if she takes a pregnancy test after the show today, she'll find that she's probably pregnant again. He had her talk more about how bad her relationship was with her husband back then.
Howard took some phone calls for Tawny after her cell phone started to ring. One guy said that the image of Tawny's mug shot was gone after this interview today. Another caller brought up the movie ''Witch Board'' in which Tawny does some full frontal nudity (See it at MrSkin.com) . He said she's unshaved in the movie but she said she's fully shaved now.
Howard got back to Tawny's relationship with her husband. She told Howard about the incidents that led to her calling the cops on the guy. She told Howard that it was the darkest part of her life. Howard wondered if the guy was going to be pissed at her for saying this stuff. She said he probably will.
A couple of callers told Howard that the story Tawny told about the guards forcing her to shower at gunpoint couldn't be true. They said that no prison's allow their guards to carry guns inside a jail. Tawny got very defensive and said that he's full of it and they did have guns held on her. Sal the Stockbroker called in as the officer who arrested her. He said that she did have a deadly weapon on her at the time... Her face. Howard told Tawny that the guy was just busting her balls and he knew who he was. Howard took some more phone calls and let some people go off on Tawny. One woman said she doesn't think that Tawny is over her drug addiction. Tawny said that she has to be tested often before she's even allowed to see her kids. Some guys called in and told Tawny how sexy she is and asked her if she likes anal. Howard asked her about the anal thing. She said it's been tried but she's not into it. Another caller brought up the gun thing again and said there are no guns allowed inside jails. Tawny argued with the guy for a few seconds and said that they did have guns when she was in jail.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he has a source who says that Tawny had sex with both Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx in the bathroom at The Limelight club one time. Tawny said she never had sex with Nikki Sixx. She did date Tommy Lee but didn't have sex in the bathroom at that club.
A guy claiming to be a screenwriter told Howard that he would like to write a Movie of the Week about Tawny's life. Howard told him he'd put him on hold and get the info from him. Howard said he wants to play OJ in the movie. Tawny went on to say that she and he ex-husband Chuck have a good relationship these days and she doesn't hate him for what he's done. She said that there were dark times but she's in a much better place now.
Howard told Tawny that she moved him today and he will be renting that movie ''Witch Blade'' to see her naked. He said he had a ton of phone calls to get to but he didn't have time to get to them all. He had to take a break after that.
Howard started the morning off talking about all the fun they were going to have on the show this morning. He said they weren't going to keep it too real. They're going to have this guy Mike on who had his penis bitten by a horse. He said he wasn't going to tell Robin the whole story at this point though. Leah Remini and Bill O'Reilly are both going to be on as well. Howard said there was a really hot picture of Britney Spears in the paper today. He missed one yesterday that Robin told him about. He said the picture he saw this morning was really sexy. Robin said it looked nasty to her. Howard said it was on page 3 of the NY Post. Howard said she's showing her ass in the picture and it's really hot to him
Howard said that Halle Berry is playing Cat Woman and she has a nice body and face in the pictures he's seen. He said she's sexless though. The picture he was looking at was also in the NY Post on page 21. Howard said that the sexy thing isn't grabbing him for the comic book movie. He said she should be a villain, not a sexy woman. He said maybe she'll be good in the part, who knows. Howard said he would be a good Cat Woman. He said if he was the director he might have a guy play the part. Some guy who thinks he's a woman playing the part might be kind of interesting. Howard said he might have Bernie Mac play the part. He made himself laugh when he thought of that one. Howard took some calls about the Halle Berry thing after that. One guy suggested someone else for the part so Howard said that the woman who plays Cat Woman should be ''stripper hot'' unlike Halle Berry. He said he doesn't know everything but he doesn't like Halle Berry as Cat Woman. Howard said it's not a Batman movie though, it's just a Cat Woman movie. He wondered how you can have Cat Woman without Batman. Robin said she heard that there's someone like Sharon Stone attached to the movie as well so Howard seemed to think that was a really bad idea as well.
Howard said he had some meetings about his cartoon ''Howard Stern the High School Years'' yesterday after the show. He said he was meeting some writers and directors for the cartoon that is supposed to air on Spike TV. He was telling Robin how they need directors for the voice actors and then they need one for the animators so they get the reactions right in the cartoon. He said there's a lot of work there to be done. Robin asked about the process and who's in charge. Howard said he's not even sure who's in charge. He said people keep asking him when the cartoon is coming out and he's not sure about that either. Howard said live action is much easier to produce. He told Robin about how they can do Flash animation so they don't have to send it over seas to get it drawn up. He said if they send it over to be animated you can't make last minute changes. The Flash animation allows them to make changes at the last minute. Howard said they have to keep the same sets for the cartoons as well because they don't want to be drawing new backgrounds every week. He and Robin think that's why the Simpsons never grow up or go anywhere on ''The Simpsons.'' After spending a few minutes on that Howard took a commercial break.
Howard said someone sent him a copy of a DVD called ''Call of the Wild'' which is a tape of all kinds of animals having sex. Howard read from the description of the DVD which explains some of the animals getting it on. Howard said KC was wondering who watches stuff like that. Howard said he might watch it himself.
Howard read some other news stories he found interesting. He brought up an article about pet names and said that the name Max is the most popular name for a dog. He said that if he was going to get a male bulldog, he'd name it Bear. He said that her assistant Laura used to hate bulldogs but now that she's seen his dog Bianca, she loves them. Howard had an article about the most popular breeds of dog in New York City. He said the second most popular was a lab. It went German Sheppard, Shitzu, Pit Bull... and on and on. He said it was in the NY Daily News this morning. That led to the guys talking about small dogs that make guys look gay when they walk them down the street.
Robin brought up the latest story about the release of an undercover CIA agent's name that may have come from the White House. Howard said that's a pretty big deal and it's not right to do something like that. Howard said he wants to know who released that information.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a name for the Jena Duan game they've played a few times in the past few weeks. It's where they give out names of people they shouldn't know but do because they're with famous people. The guy said Beth Ostrosky which is Howard's girlfriend. Howard said he already played that one though so the guy didn't stump him like he thought he was going to.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims to have worked on the Beavis and Butt-Head cartoons years ago. The guy explained to Robin how the process works when you direct voice actors and direct the animators. Howard cut the guy off pretty quick and said he was making him nuts. He took another call right after that. The guy ended up cursing because he didn't know he was on the air. Howard kept telling him that he was on the air with him but he didn't believe it. Robin spoke to him so he finally got it. The guy said that Howard got in on the whole Bulldog thing when Ozzy's show was taking off. Howard got rid of him a short time later. The caller also wondered where Artie was this morning. Howard told him that he'll be back tomorrow, he was out in L.A. working his latest development deal.
Howard said they found another one of these blatant product placements that they've been talking about for a few weeks. She was on Ellen Degeneres' show pushing these Clorox wipes. They even hold up the box of wipes after Ellen pulls them out from behind her chair. Howard said that's friggin ingenious. He said he has to start going on talk shows again to plug some stuff so he can get paid to plug this stuff. Howard said he'd bring on like a hundred products and plug them all. He said he'd plug laser eye surgery and 800-MATTRES.. Stuff like that. Then he'd plug the Playboy On-Demand and the new TV show ''Myth Busters'' and YJ Stinger drinks. It would be constant plugs. Howard said he had to take another break before getting to this guy Mike who almost had his penis bitten off by a horse.
Howard had this guy Mike on the phone who almost lost his penis when a horse bit him. The guy said that he was wearing shorts at the time. He said the doctor asked him if he was wearing pants first thing. He said he and his family went over to see this new horse they'd gotten and when he went over to it, he was told it gets mean sometimes. As he was standing there the horse just chomped down on his penis. Mike said he went into shock when it happened. He said it pulled away while it still had a hold of it and the boxer short he was wearing were torn to shreds. He said there was blood everywhere when the horse bit him. He said he thought that he'd lost his penis at that point so he thought his life was over. He said he ran to the house to call 911 and then took a look and saw that the penis was still there. It was all puffed up and looked like a blood blister. He said he packed a towel in ice and drove himself to the hospital. Howard said the doctors probably thought he was some kind of sexual pervert or something. Mike said when the nurse saw him she asked if he needed to see someone. He told her that he'd just had his penis bitten by a horse and she kind of snickered. He said a few other people asked him what happened while he was waiting for a doctor to come in. He was supposed to have a woman doctor but asked for a guy. He got a doctor and was told that he had to just let it heal after it was cleaned up. He said before they let him go they asked him to pee in a bucket to make sure he can urinate. He said the pain when peeing was horrible because it was ripped at the end. He said he was told to drink lots of fluids so he could pee and get rid of the blood and stuff.
Howard told the guy he was lucky he still has his penis. The guy said he wasn't able to use his penis for a couple of weeks after the incident. He still has scars but he is able to use it. He said because of the injury he's able to pee really far because it's like a hose with your finger closing off the end. Robin told Howard that she once had her finger bitten by a horse that she didn't know very well. Howard said he's not even a fan of oral sex because he doesn't want his penis scraped. Howard gave Mike a Casio digital camera courtesy of ''Myth Busters'' the TV show. He was just thanking him for telling them the story.
Howard said that Beth took his dog out for a walk the other day and she was having a tough time making doody. She picked up the poop after it came out and found a long piece of rope in there. Howard said the dog acted like it was very relieved that it came out.
Howard and the guys talked about the Yankees game and how bad they did. John got off the twins for a little while to talk about the game for a few minutes. KC got them back on the twins and asked John why he couldn't get them in there. John said that they both had implants done at the same time because they wanted to be identical. That led to the guys talking about Tawny Kitaen and how good she looked when she was on the show yesterday. Howard said he'd still bang her, so did John. But then John said that he'd bang Yoko Ono and Joan Rivers if he was single. He also said he'd bang Raquel Welch. KC said that there are too many younger women out there to bang before getting to the older chicks. Stuttering John said he'd even bang First Lady Laura Bush. John asked Howard if he'd bang Ellen Degeneres. Howard said ''no'' and said that she has a look on her face like she's smelling fish all the time.
Gary said that he noticed Tawny touching Howard yesterday during a break and wondered if Howard felt any sexual tension. Howard said he felt that. He also said they got a lot of e-mail about her being on and a lot of people think that she's a little nuts. Some people thought her story about the female prison guards making her wash her hair at gun point was a lie. He said that everyone who called in who had been in prison said that they don't allow guards to carry guns. He read some of the mail they got about her beating up her husband as well. John mentioned how hot her pants were and KC said her ass was hanging out. Howard said they got some positive mail about her appearance as well. One woman wrote in about how good her appearance was. John asked Fred what he thought about her. He said that she bounced back pretty well after the mug shot picture that was taken a couple of years back. Howard said he would have loved to have banged her 20 years ago. He said he'd like to get her into a time machine to bring her back to that time.
A listener called in and claims that a hot chick in a car on the Staten Island Expressway had just pulled up next to them and was pleasuring herself. He said he could see where her hand was and that she was pleasuring herself. He was in a truck looking down on the woman's car. Howard had him honk to prove he was actually on the road. He did it and then gave his phone to a guy in the back of the truck. Howard told them to try and catch up so they could talk to her. Howard told the guy that he could probably get laid if he runs over and gives her the phone. They bailed out on the whole thing before they did anything.
Howard took a call from ''Arnold Schwarzenegger'' who said he was up in the polls again today. Howard asked him a couple of questions and then let ''Arnold'' say a few things. He was calling in to say that he was returning Artie's campaign donation because the check had bounced. Howard let him say a couple of other things before getting off the phone with the phony Arnold. Howard asked him to answer one question for him... Is Maria fully shaved? ''Arnold'' said that he didn't want to answer any questions like that. Howard then asked him if Ted Kennedy is fully shaved and ''Arnold'' said that ''of course'' he is fully shaved, everyone knows that. Howard let him off the line a short time later.
Howard read an e-mail he got where someone asked him about the mentions of the Viking grill he has. The person thought he was doing a product placement ad but he said he paid for the thing himself. Howard also read an e-mail about the Jack Black movie he reviewed yesterday. He said that Jack has a screen presence like John Belushi. That led to Howard talking about Jim Belushi and how he thought he was pretty funny on this show ''I'm With Her'' that he was watching last night. Robin said she tried to watch that show but could only get through about 2 minutes.
Howard read some more e-mail after that. They got more about the Osbourne kids and about the E! show with Siobhan the Transsexual. Howard moved on to talk about Woody Allen and how he's trying to sell his house. Howard and Robin talked about how all of his movies flop when they come out now. Howard said he should have stopped making movies like 30 years ago and he would have been a legend. Howard said he should be directing porn movies instead.
Howard said that Jessica Simpson's album has dropped from number 10 to number 62 on the charts. He said that her husband Nick is going to be on the show soon. He played another clip from their TV show where Nick yells at her for not helping with the decorating in the house. She told him that she ''still loves him'' even though she doesn't like it. The two of them also fight with each other over the decorating. Nick calls her a brat and says that she whines and bitches too much. Howard wondered what the hell is going on with those two after listening to that. They then played the clip of Jack Nicholson yelling at his wife in the movie ''Carnal Knowledge'' where he tells her to get out of the house once in a while.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to bring in his own stripper for the Smartest Stripper Contest they have coming up. Howard told him that they already have their own strippers so he can't do that. The guy also asked Howard how he shaves his balls without cutting them off. Howard told him he uses clippers to do it. He said you really have to shave them down because women don't like to see a thatch down there.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked what was going on with the Sunset Thomas thing. Howard told him that guys will compete for the chance to win a ''date'' with her. He told Jeff that they should give some other guys a chance instead of him. Howard said he saw the E! show with Jeff's dirty underwear and it really was a mess back there. Jeff said he had a sore back there and it was blood but Howard didn't seem to believe that. Jeff also got in a plug for an interview he did with DeansPlanet.com. Howard said he read it and it was actually very good. He got off the phone a short time after that.
Howard said he'd like to put one of these tracking chips that they were talking about yesterday on Jeff the Drunk or Gary the Retard so they could keep track of what they do. Another listener called in and said that he's pissed at Tommy Lee even more than he used to be after finding out that he dated Tawny Kitaen yesterday.
Howard said he was asked to debate a high school debate team. He said he would do that as a one on one thing. He said he wouldn't want to take on the whole team.
Howard asked her who married them and when she said that it was a minister they got on the subject of Scientology. Howard asked if she had her Scientology friends there at the wedding. She said she did have some of them there. Howard also asked if the ''fat guy from King of Queens'' was there with her. She said that Kevin was there. Howard said he doesn't even know the guy's name because he's never watched the show. She said that his name is Kevin James and he's not fat anymore. He's also got a really hot girlfriend now.
Howard and Robin asked Leah about her husband and if she broke up his marriage. She jokingly said she did do that and his kids might hate her. Howard talked to her about the guy's kids and said the boys probably pleasure themselves to her all the time. She said she doesn't even want to think about stuff like that. She said she won't even swim in front of the boys at her house.
The guys gave Howard a hot picture of Leah they found on the web. Howard said she looked really hot in the picture and he was rubbing himself as he was talking to her. Leah asked Howard how he's been doing with dating and stuff. Howard told her that he's dating and he's been with this woman for a few years now. She asked him if he's going to get married. He told her that he's never going to get married again because there's no reason for it. He doesn't want to have more kids. She wasn't aware that he had 3 girls already. She said that she wants to have kids someday so Howard told her that's a good reason to get married.
Howard asked Leah about whether or not she really broke up her husband's marriage or not. She said she was just kidding when she said she did. Howard gave Leah a plug for ''King of Queens'' that airs tonight on CBS. It's a new night for the show and Leah said they'll probably get killed because they're up against ''West Wing'' and ''The Bachelor.'' She said she has a new house and she's not going to bother decorating it yet because she's not sure how the show is going to do up against West Wing. Howard wrapped up the call a short time later and took another break.
Howard moved on to play some voice mail but a caller told Howard that you can't force work down a construction worker's throat to get it done. He yelled at Howard for a short time but Howard got fed up with the guy's argument and hung up on him before he could finish his point. Other callers told him that all of the work is already contracted out and they just don't give bonuses to the workers for finishing quicker like Howard suggested. He said they just won't do that. Another caller told Howard that the guys standing around watching the workers doing their jobs are inspectors who aren't allowed to touch anything. Howard said they should let them pick up a shovel sometimes. Howard said he had to drop that subject so they could get Bill O'Reilly on.
Bill O'Reilly came in a short time later and Howard was surprised at how tall the guy was. Howard asked him where he graduated. He graduated from both Harvard and Boston University. He said that he was there at the same time Howard was. He remembered how tall Howard was and how he was the only guy there who was taller than him.
Howard asked Bill about working at Inside Edition and how that helped his career. He said after that show he decided to go back to school. That's when he went to Harvard and got his Masters. He was hoping to become a news analyst after that but it didn't happen.
Howard asked Bill about getting laid as well. Bill said he was just like Howard and wasn't able to get chicks when he was in school. Bill changed subjects and said that he thought there were going to be lesbians there and there were none. Howard told him that Benjy wanted to get naked in front of him. He said Benjy wasn't allowed to get naked and pleasure himself in front of Mayor Giuliani when he was in so he asked to do it in front of Bill. Howard told Benjy to hold off until Donald Rumsfeld comes in.
Howard asked Bill what his deal with porn is. He said he thinks it's wrong for kids to see that stuff. Howard asked him if he ever watched porn as a kid. Bill said he did but he doesn't do that anymore. Robin pointed out that Bill asked Jenna Jameson to send over some of her porn so he could check it out. He said he never saw them though. Howard then asked Bill if he ever pleasured himself. Bill said he did when he was a kid but he doesn't do it now. He said he really didn't start until he was 18 or so. There was no porn in his house when he was growing up.
Bill asked Howard to plug his book so they did that real quick. Howard also gave him a plug for his TV show ''The O'Reilly Factor'' and his radio show ''Radio Factor.''
Howard ended up talking to Bill about how he has people who want to hurt him because of the power he has and what he's said. Howard said he's also got issues with Al Franken so they spent some time talking about that. Bill said he thinks that Franken is posing as a satirist but he's not. He explained that to Howard and then talked about some of the other stuff he doesn't agree with. Bill doesn't like ''Gangsta rap'' and told Howard why he doesn't like it. He said that he is conservative on some things and liberal on others. Howard tried to get Bill to say that Rush Limbaugh is a shill for the Republican party but Bill wouldn't say that.
O'Reilly continued to go off on Al Franken for a couple of minutes. Howard had some tape to play regarding the whole situation. He had tape of Brit Hume talking about the war in Iraq and how the number of people dying over there doesn't seem to be all that big compared to the number of people who die in California every day from accidents and stuff. Al Franken then calls Brit Hume an ''asshole'' and curses him out after that. Bill didn't think it was right for Franken to curse someone out like that at a political function.
Howard asked Bill about the threats he has on his life. Bill said there were some people making threats after he came out against the gangsta rap stuff. He also said that he has been threatened directly by certain people but it's not really an organized group that comes out against him. He went on to say that his book is about how the average guy is getting screwed over. He also told Howard that you have to learn how to read people and figure out who's looking out for you. He and Howard talked about that for a short time and then moved on to some sex talk.
Howard asked Bill about whether or not he has had sex with more than one woman at the same time or with a black woman. He wasn't answering those questions though. Howard said that Bill claims that he has been with thousands of women.
Howard asked bill why he got married but Bill got a little defensive and asked Howard why he got married. Howard said he was in love so Bill said that's why he got married. Howard said he was just trying to find out why he got married. He also asked him if he signed a pre-nuptial agreement. Bill said that he's not talking about that stuff. Bill wouldn't even talk about whether or not he has kids or not.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said he saw Bill at a Playboy magazine party a few years ago and he was there with an attractive Asian woman. Bill said he did go but the woman wasn't his wife like Chaunce thought she might be. Bill said he spoke to some of the women at the party and had a fun time but he didn't sleep with any of the models. Howard also asked him if he's ever smoked pot. Bill said he hasn't but he's not against people smoking it. He said he's against making it legal so it's easier for kids to get hold of it. He said right now it's not very easy for kids to get it even though some do get it. He said he would like to see pot decriminalized though.
A listener called in and asked Bill about ''his'' lawsuit against Al Franken. Howard told the guy that it wasn't Bill's case though, it was FOX who was trying to sue Franken. Bill explained that to the guy and moved on. Howard gave Bill a couple of plugs for his book ''Who's Looking Out for You?'' and took some more phone calls after that. One guy told Howard he has to get some hot chicks in there instead of Bill O'Reilly.
Jessica Hahn called in and said she's known Bill for like 15 years. They got to know each other when he was working on Inside Edition. Jessica said they had a lot of fun together doing those shows. Bill said he only knows her professionally, not in any other way. Bill and Robin ended up getting into a little discussion about reparations and whether or not people should be getting them or not.
Howard read that Bill is making $50,000 to $80,000 for making speeches. Howard asked him about that and asked him about what a great way to make money it is. Howard said he'd love to do something like that but he has nothing to talk about. Bill said he can talk about anything he wants to for an hour or so and they'd be happy.
Prank caller Captain Janks called in and said he did a prank call to FOX news a while back and Bill had some derogatory comments to say about Howard. Janks said that Bill said that Howard has no business being on that channel and all of his fans are idiots. Bill said he never said that and asked him if he had tape of it. Janks said he spent 15 minutes looking for the tape and couldn't find it. Bill denied ever saying that stuff and Howard had to go with him on that because Janks didn't have proof. Janks asked Bill one last question before getting off the phone. He asked Bill if he's ever had a ''rusty trombone.'' Bill said he didn't even know what that was. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time after that and went to commercial break.
Howard said he had a new game for Robin to play. He had clips from that animal sex movie he talked about earlier in the show. He said he'd play a clip and Robin would have to guess what kind of animal it was. They played one clip and it was pretty intense. Howard said it sounded like OJ Simpson. They threw in a porn clip of a guy and a chick getting in on that wasn't that far off from the animal sex sounds. Robin guessed that the sounds were Lions and Howard guessed that it was rhinos. KC told them it was actually elephants. Howard joked that the female elephant's name was Oprah. KC gave them some stats on the male elephant penis and said that it's 6' long and weighs about 70 pounds.
A high school student called in and said he wanted to debate Howard. He told Howard some of the stuff he'd like to debate him on but Howard said he'd rather debate him on something like whether or no KC is gay. Howard told the kid he'd debate him but wasn't sure what to debate over. Howard put him on hold and said they'd figure something out. Robin suggested doing a debate on the lap dance ban thing. KC said he'd like to hear a debate about the fat people who take up two seats on a plane subject.
Howard took a few more phone calls after that. One guy said he got a strange vibe from Bill O'Reilly when he was on. He was talking about how he did some of the stuff on his show like Howard has done and admitted to it. Howard said he has to give him credit because he did admit that without Howard doing what he's done over the years, he wouldn't be able to do what he's doing now. Howard spent some time with the guy on the phone and said he was going to give him a chance to win a prize. He had another animal sex clip (from CallOfTheWild.tv). He played the clip for the guy and they all tried to figure out what type of animal it was having sex. The caller guessed it was a Tazmanian Devil. KC said he'd give him 3 choices. He said it's either a Chinchilla, a Koala or a Agouti. It turned out to be a male Koala bear.
Howard took a few more phone calls and let some people comment on their interview with Bill O'Reilly. Some people didn't think Howard had any balls when he interviewed O'Reilly or even Tawny Kitaen. Howard argued with the guy for a minute but said he was worn out from the whole thing and had Robin start her news.
Artie was back this morning from his trip to L.A. Howard asked him how that went. He said it went pretty well but he can't talk about what kind of shows he was pitched. He said he did have a kid in some of the shows he was offered. He said the kid would be like 15 years old on the show which seemed to surprise him. He said in some of the shows he'd have a daughter which might be a good thing because he could have a hot 15 year old daughter. Howard told him that's the way to go because that's why people were watching John Ritter's show.
Howard said there were a lot of things to talk about today. He said that there's a whole thing going on with Rush Limbaugh that he wants to talk to. Howard said that he's allegedly a drug addict and now he's being investigated for sending his housekeeper out to score for him. There's also some controversy over some stuff he said on ESPN. That led to the guys talking about Howard Cossell calling a black football player a ''monkey'' one time. Howard had to take a break because he got in trouble yesterday for not taking breaks soon enough.
Howard brought up Rush Limbaugh again. He said it's pretty sad when you're that famous and you can't even get prescription drugs. He said he'd get to the full story later when he gets Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the phone. Howard said he read that Rush was on Oxycontin like Jack Osbourne was. Howard said he didn't know whether to talk about that or Halle Berry going out with Fred Durst. He spent a minute on that but then took some phone calls.
One caller brought up Lenny Kravitz so Howard talked about how he's apparently getting Nicole Kidman now. Howard said these guys all have time to go out and pick up all of these hot chicks. The same caller asked Howard if he was going to be out on the talk show circuit to talk about his new ''Filthy Dirty Tape'' of the E! uncensored video. Howard said he will do it if they allow him to give out a number to order the thing. He said it's always a problem with him when he goes to sell something. They let other celebrities promote products during talk shows but they won't let him give out a toll free number. That led to Howard replaying the tape of Ellen Degeneres helping promote Clorox wipes when Faith Ford was on her show. Robin pointed out that Ellen had the box of wipes behind her desk so it seemed obvious that it was product placement. The caller also asked when the Tawny Kitaen episode is going to air on E!. Howard asked Robin Radzinski to come in and let them know when it'll be on. While they were waiting Howard played some more animal sex tapes so they could try and guess what kind they were. Howard played one from yesterday where a couple of elephants were going at it. Howard told Artie about the tape they pulled them from which is called ''Call of the Wild.'' It's available at CallOfTheWild.tv.
Howard's buddy Ralph called in and told him to quit radio so they can start a band. He thought that it was pretty impressive to him that Fred Durst is getting Halle Berry. Robin said you have to have some hit songs though and she doesn't think that Howard and Ralph would be able to pull that off. Ralph went on to talk about Rush Limbaugh and how he thinks it's true that he's on drugs because of some of his behavior.
Dominic Barbara called in to talk about the Oxycontin drug and how easy it is to get addicted. Robin said she took one after having a root canal and it did nothing for her. Dominic said that if you mix diet pills and the Oxycontin, it makes for a major high. He theorized that Rush was doing that to stay thin. Dominic said the reason he wasn't going to a doctor to get the drugs was because he would have been on the state registry and he didn't want that. Gary said that he may have been taking too much for a doctor to subscribe. Howard talked about the article he was reading and how Rush ended up scoring from his housekeeper.
Howard got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the phone to talk about the Rush Limbaugh thing. They broke the story so Howard wanted to talk to him about that. Mike said they didn't sit on the story too long and went on to tell Howard how they found out about it. He said that Rush heard that his housekeeper's husband broke his leg and Rush asked her to get him some of his Oxycontin. It all took off from there. Howard interrupted Mike to get his copy of the National Enquirer that had been sitting back in the office. Howard let Mike get back to his story right after that. Mike went on to talk about how there was a case years ago where some celebrity doctors were stopped from distributing prescription drugs that weren't needed. He said that Rush was getting a bunch of these drugs from his housekeeper and tried to keep it secret from his wife. Mike said that the housekeeper's husband eventually got better and got off the drugs so Rush had to threaten her to get more drugs. Mike claims that Rush was only paying her $870 a month at the time. Howard wondered if she was good at cleaning for that amount of money. Mike said apparently she was. He went on to explain how Rush continued to get his flow of drugs from the house keeper. She was hiding the drugs under his side of the bed. Mike claims that Rush is afraid of his wife finding out so he has to hide this stuff from her. Mike said he'd even spill the drugs on the floor and he'd have to get more from the housekeeper. Mike told Howard this is all why Rush started to lose weight. He eventually went in to a detox center and tried to lose the habit. Mike told Howard about the detox center where they try to get people off of these drugs and how it's supposed to only last for 24 hours or so.
Howard wondered if Rush was covering up this drug thing with his ''hearing loss'' story a couple of years back. Mike said something about Rush having an ear ache but didn't really say if it was a cover up for the drug use. Mike went on to tell Howard and the guys about this story. The housekeeper was getting Rush thousands of pills eventually. The housekeeper claims that Rush kissed her one time and patted her down as if he was looking for a wire. He was getting a little paranoid and thought that she might be getting followed or set up or something.
Howard interrupted to try and fix a phone problem. He hung up on Ralph but that wasn't the phone that was the problem. He gave up on trying to fix it and got back to the story. Howard thought it was funny that a guy who tells people how to run their lives is hooked on drugs like that. Gary came in and said that Jason told him that Rush was trying to push for a bill to be passed that would say if kids were caught with drugs, they'd get no federal aid for college.
Howard asked Mike what Rush might be up against as far as jail time or whatever. Robin was also asking if his housekeeper Wilma is in trouble over this. Mike said that Rush is a celebrity so he may not get in all that much trouble over this. He got back into the story and ended up telling Howard and Robin how Rush and Wilma would make the deals and how Rush was trying to cover up all of the deals. He asked to get rid of her computer and stuff like that. She eventually went to an attorney because she was afraid that she'd get in a lot of trouble. They went to the State Attorney General and now there have been arrests made. They arrested a pharmacist and some others in the case.
Howard said this is quite a story for the Enquirer to have broken. Mike mentioned a few names like he was accepting an award for the story. Mike said that he called Gary yesterday but couldn't give him the whole story. He said Gary guessed at what it could be and thought it might be that Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford were getting divorced. Mike said that's not a big story, not as big as Rush anyway.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy asked how they can prove all of this stuff. Mike told the guy that they have a lot of stuff to prove it. The guy started yelling at Mike and it turned out to be Melrose Larry Green. Howard hung up on him immediately when he figured out who he was. One caller said that Rush was going to have a press conference this morning but it might get canceled now that the National Enquirer has broken this story. He was going to talk about the comments he made on ESPN but now he's got this drug thing hanging over him.
The guys were all trying to figure out if the drugs had anything to do with Rush's hearing problem a couple of years ago. Mike said there's no way to prove it but a phone caller said he knew a person who had hearing problems while taking some of these drugs so maybe that's what caused it. Artie joked that this was the best Mike Walker Game ever and wondered what the other three stories were. Mike joked that this was ''story number 1.''
A caller said that Oxycontin is a time release drug so a lot of people crush the pills and snort it. He wondered if Rush did that. Howard got an article that the guys pulled off the web for him that says the drugs can cause hearing loss. Robin said this was all making sense now because Rush went away for a little while and came back saying that his hearing had come back.
Howard said this was great stuff. Robin wanted reporters covering this stuff full time. Howard took a few phone calls about this stuff. One guy told Howard to get ''this idiot'' off the phone. He goofed on Mike for working for a tabloid magazine but Mike pointed out some stuff that they've done over the years. Howard goofed on Mike for trying to get through to a caller like that.
Howard wondered why there were no pictures of Rush's wife in the Enquirer. Mike told him there was a picture a few pages past where Howard was at. He also told him that they have copies of some of the e-mails he sent to his housekeeper. Howard got to them and read some of those. Howard goofed on some of the lame stuff Rush wrote in the e-mails. Mike thought they were great and made the whole story worth reading. Howard said this was the best story ever because hypocrisy is great.
Howard let a few more callers through. Some people were asking Mike what he's done for people and why he's reporting on people's personal lives like this. Howard told the callers that stories like this point out what hypocrites people like Rush Limbaugh are and it allows people to see what phonies they are. Mike bragged about some of the other stories they've broken over the years before Howard had to wrap up and take another break.
Scott DePace from E! is a big fan of Rush's also so Howard wanted to find out what he thinks. Scott came in and said he agrees with a lot of what Rush says but he's not a god to him. Scott argued with Howard about some of the view points Rush has about drug use and how drug addicts are a drain on our society and should be sent away to other countries. Scott said that he's talking about different types of drug addicts. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to Scott about drug use and if he thinks that his son should be sent to jail some day if he's caught using drugs. Scott said if he does something illegal and it's proved, he should go to jail.
Howard and Scott argued about where Rush stands on this stuff and where they stand. After a few minutes Howard moved on and took some more phone calls. A guy said he was crying tears of joy hearing all of this Rush Limbaugh stuff. Howard said that he's not against smoking pot and doesn't think people should go to jail for it but if pot smokers are going to jail, then Rush should get at least as much time as someone like Tommy Chong. Chong got in trouble just for selling drug paraphernalia.
More callers were telling Howard about what they feel about Rush now that they've heard the story. Howard said he could talk about that stuff all morning but there were a lot of other things to get to.
Howard talked about Halle Berry splitting from her husband for Fred Durst. He gave kids out there some advice and told them to take guitar lessons.
Howard had another one of the animal sex sound (CallOfTheWild.tv ) games to play. A phone caller asked to play it so he went ahead and did that. He played the tape and the animal was making quite a bit of noise as it had sex. Howard joked that whatever it was held out longer than he does. Everyone in the studio was trying to guess what it was. KC gave them multiple choice for this one. He said it could be a swan, a vulture or a peacock. Howard and the caller guessed that it was a vulture and they were right. The guy won $500 courtesy of the new movie ''Kill Bill.'' Howard said he heard that the new movie is great.
Gary said they also go right into anal too quick in some of the movies. Howard said that he wanted to pleasure himself to the movie but he couldn't even do that because it was so intense. Howard was saying that he'd do one of the girls in a second if he had the chance. Gary asked him if he really would do that knowing that the girls were in porn movies. The girls said they always get tested and they're clean. Howard said he's sure the one woman could please a man.
Benjy pointed out that in the movie they have scenes where guys go from anal to vaginal sex which is a really bad thing to do. Benjy said there's like 20 scenes like that but the director said they don't do that in the movie. Benjy also said that there are scenes where two guys are doing a chick in the same place at the same time. That's gay according to Howard and the rest of the guys. They told the girls that guys don't want to see that. They said that they were told that guys do want to see that. Bridgette was the one taking the two penises so Howard spent a short time talking to her about that. She said it was a porn fantasy of hers to do that. Howard said some of the guys in the movie weren't very good looking either. He said they looked like hillbilly, rednecks.
Gary also said there were guys uncircumcised in the movie and they were doing a lot of close up shots that were very disturbing to him. Howard said that's because it's girls directing the movies. Gary also said that the movies were too violent. The girls said that's what's flying off the shelves now. Howard said the films were very intense and a little too hard core for him.
Fred said he watched both movies and he didn't seem to like them either. He said the girls looked a little too hard and the lesbo stuff they were doing was just not ''romantic'' or sexy. Howard had the girls stand up so he could check them out. One of the girls was on the show a year ago 15 days after she had a baby. Gary said Bridgette is pretty interesting because she met her current husband when she was only 16 and got into porn pretty quick after that. She doesn't talk to her family because of that. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to her about that. She said the guy had a Harley and tattoos and that was hot to her.
Howard tried to get the girls to show their boobs. It took a little coaxing before Bridgette let them out. Gary said that Will spoke to Britney yesterday and she said she's tired of the porn business. She apparently complained about being stuck at a porn convention with a bunch of fat, hairy guys. She said that was the only thing she was complaining about though, not about the porn business. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later.
Jack Black was in the building to do some satellite radio interviews so he came in quickly to say hello. Howard said he saw his new movie ''School of Rock'' and thought it was very good. He said Jack was really funny in the movie and it wouldn't be successful without Jack in it. Howard asked him if he wrote the movie or just ad libbed through it. He said a good friend of his wrote it and he did do a little bit of ad libbing but most of it was scripted. Howard explained what the movie is about and how funny Jack is in it. Howard gave him some praise and Jack seemed to be pretty thankful for that. Jack told Howard that his band Tenacious D actually stole a line from Howard's show for one of their songs. He said they use the ''Your butt cheeks is warm'' line in a song. Robin thought that was pretty great because it came from a tape that was submitted to the show years ago where a guy was pretending to be Robin's father.
Howard told Jack that this movie should put Jack at another level when it comes out. Jack said that the movie company has shown this movie to so many people so far for free that there may not be anyone left to see it. He said it's been testing well so far. Howard said there's a lot of good buzz around it too so he might have a hit on his hands.
Howard asked Jack about his girlfriend that he's been with for 7 years. Jack said there's a lot of potential poon out there for him but he's sticking with this woman. He's not sure about marriage though because his parents had a bad divorce. He told Howard about how his father moved off to another country and started another family. He said that he doesn't want to get married unless he knows for sure that there won't be one of those nasty ''D-Vorce'' things. Jack said he's not sure about having a kid either. He said people are always telling him he's got to have kids because it's great. He said his girlfriend doesn't want to have kids either so it's a good thing right now. He told Howard that he's dating Laura Kightlinger who did a year on Saturday Night Live.
Jack said his movie opens tomorrow and it's got a PG-13 rating. Howard said there's no sex in it and he didn't even miss it. Howard asked him about how much the movie cost to make and some stuff like that. Howard wrapped it up after 10 minutes or so and said that the movie really is good. Howard asked him about who he's hanging with out there. Jack told Howard that he's got Val Kilmer kind of stalking him and showing up at events he goes to. He said Kilmer has a beard that makes him look a little ''Manson-esque.'' He said he really is a little odd. Howard said he heard that Kilmer is really weird. He thought he was booked on the show one time but he never came in. Howard told Jack it was a pleasure to meet a talent like him.
Jack said he thought that Jackie was back on the show because he must have been watching an old rerun of the E! show. He said he wanted to stump the Joke Man. He tried it with Artie but Artie didn't know what the joke was. Fred and Gary knew the joke but it was kind of lame. Howard said he had a better joke and told one that he's told on the show before. It's about a couple of Saudi Arabians who came to this country and agreed to have a contest to see who could become more Americanized in one year. They meet up after a year later and one guy says that his kid is in little league and he's completely lost his accent and some other stuff. The other guy looks at him and says ''F-you you towel head!'' proving that he's more Americanized than the other guy. After telling Jack the joke he talked about how great his movie is again and how no one else could have pulled it off other than Jack. He took a break right after that.
Howard had a live audio feed from what was supposed to be Rush Limbaugh's press conference. They were playing the National Anthem before the press conference. Howard wanted to hear Rush Limbaugh speak but they were doing a lot of other stuff. It was coming from an NAB convention or something like that. Gary said he'd listen in and wait for Rush to come on.
''Arnold Schwarzenegger'' called in to talk about the animal sex tapes. He joked that it sounded like something from the Democratic National Convention. He also said that Artie was out there doing Indian rain dances and stuff because he's really gotten into the whole American Indian thing since he found out he's part Indian. Howard asked ''Arnold'' about the Rush Limbaugh thing but he didn't have anything to say about that. He got in a quick plug for his web site JoinArnold.com and said not to confuse that with Tom Arnold.
Howard said they were waiting for Rush Limbaugh to make his speech but Gary came in to tell him that he's not scheduled to speak until noon. He said he'd still listen in to the audio feed until Rush comes on.
A listener called in and said that he was on a plane with Britney Spears and she didn't look all that great. He told Howard she looked like crap but Howard found that hard to believe. He said he'd do her in a second if he had the chance.
Another caller brought up Bill O'Reilly and what he was saying about Rush Limbaugh yesterday. That led to Howard saying that he forgot to ask Bill about a few things when he was on yesterday. He and the caller talked about a few of the things Bill was talking about and how odd he was. The caller also brought up how Howard has people like Leah Remini and Jack Black on his show and he has to know that they work for his company. Howard said he doesn't get paid to promote those things though and he had no idea that Jack Black's movie was a Paramount Picture. He said he promotes stuff for competitors as well so he's not doing product placement like the caller seemed to think he was. The guy then said that Howard wasn't being honest with his audience because he's trying to pass Artie off as being funny. Howard then knew that he was full of crap and hung up on him.
Howard had comedian Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) come in to hang out during the news. He said he was hanging out with the porn chicks earlier and one of them looked like she could take a good punch.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said it seems that Rush is just going to deny everything that went on with the drug thing. He and Howard also talked about who might be happier, Bill O'Reilly or Bill Clinton. Howard said O'Reilly is probably thrilled because he's on against him in some markets and Rush will lose credibility over this prescription drug thing.
Howard went in and out of the Rush speech. He couldn't take it for too long though so he'd bail out after a short time. Rev. Bob said that he needed some drugs after hearing Rush speak for a short time. Howard said that Rush sounded strung out to him. Howard didn't know how the guy could talk so much without stopping.
Howard took another call about Britney Spears. The guy said he saw her out in Las Vegas and she looked horrible. Howard said he saw Britney a few years ago from across a room but she's gotten a few years older since then.
Howard gave Bob Levy a plug for some comedy shows he's doing at Rascals in Cherry Hill, New Jersey tonight through Saturday (with KC and Jim Florentine). Call 856-662-9200 for more info.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who said he was going to find out who the Attorney General is down where the charges are being filed against Rush. That way Howard can call and find out what kind of charges can be filed against him. Howard got back into Rush's speech for a short time. Rush was still talking about the same stuff he'd been talking about 5 minutes before. Howard and the guys goofed on some of the rambling nonsense Rush was dishing out. Once again Howard realized that Rush wasn't going to talk about the latest news about his drug use so he bailed out on it again and took a commercial break.
After the break Howard and Scott DePace from E! argued about Rush's problems for a little while. Scott doesn't seem to think that Rush's problems will lessen his credibility at all but Howard thinks it will. They argued about that for a short time until Howard told Scott to go back and direct the TV show like he's supposed to. Howard had Robin start her news a short time later. They broke in with some more Rush Limbaugh stuff. Rush talked about leaving ESPN because of some comments that people were't too happy with but he didn't get to the drug story while Howard was listening in.
Howard started off saying they had another huge show for us today. He complained that he couldn't get to sleep last night. He said he went to dinner with his daughter, watched ''Friends'' and ''Survivor'' and then ''Jake 2.0'' which was an advance copy of next week's show. He said he went to bed after that and tried to go to sleep but couldn't. He was thinking of pleasuring himself but he didn't really want to do that. He said Beth came to bed later and woke him up. He said she didn't wake him up but he knows she did. Now he thinks she's lying because she claims that she was in bed for over an hour before he woke up. They eventually had sex but he wasn't able to go back to sleep. He said she went right to sleep and he was wide awake at 2 in the morning. He decided to have something to eat after that. He had Shredded Wheat and soy milk. It's like candy to him. He said this wasn't a product plug and he wasn't getting paid to say that. He just likes the stuff. He said he went back to sleep after that and fell asleep for a little while.
Artie said he was at the Yankees game last night pretty late. That led to the guys talking about that for a short time. Howard got right back to his sex story and how Beth had been out drinking with friends. She told him that the E Street Band was in the same place and they were hitting on her. Robin said that there was a picture of the band in the paper yesterday and they're looking kind of old. She said it's a good thing it wasn't Coldplay or a band like that. Howard said Beth was out with a couple of other hot chicks. Artie said next time they go out he wouldn't mind going with them.
Howard said he was going to take his 10 year old daughter to a Broadway show with a friend of hers but now he's heard that there's some adult themes in the puppet show and he has to check with the friend's parents before bringing them. Howard didn't want to say the name of the show before he goes to it. He wanted to keep it quiet and not have all of his fans knowing he's there. He said now he has to go out and get tickets to another show that's more for kids. A listener called in and said that Howard shouldn't even bring a 13 year old to the show that he's thinking about because it's so dirty. There were a few shows mentioned that he could go see with his daughter. Howard said he could go see ''Hairspray'' but Harvey Firestein hates him and he could see him pointing him out in the audience and going off on him during the show. Artie mentioned ''Movin' Out'' and Gary said that there's one called ''Wicked'' that's supposed to be related to ''The Wizard of Oz.'' Howard said that's the one that Beth wanted to go see. He wanted Beth to call in about that but he said she's probably suffering from a hangover this morning.
Howard's assistant Laura called in to talk about the Broadway play. Laura said she went over to take Bianca out for a walk this morning. He told Laura about the puppet show and asked her to try and get tickets for another show. He said now he has 4 tickets to this ''Avenue Q'' that he has to get rid of. He told Laura that he'd call her later to find out what tickets she was able to get.
Howard said that his hair stylist Toni told him that Parenting magazine said that this show was okay for kids but when they looked into it further they found that it was actually for kids at least 14 years old.
A listener called in and said that Dead Air Dave was hitting the delay button on him already. He said it was something Artie said about the puppets doing double anal or something like that. Howard ended up getting pissed and said he's done with radio because of this crap. He said he hates that they have to hit the button on him. Dave came in a couple of minutes later and said he didn't hit the button. He and Gary think that it could have been another person in the local markets that hit the button. Gary said there might be 40 or 50 sub-level Dead Air Daves out there doing their jobs locally. Howard said he was going to resign today because of this. He said he might have to give them two weeks notice about this. Gary said that he once spoke to a ''Dead Air Dana'' so the guys started talking about the other ''Dead Air'' button pushers.
Beth almost hung up but Howard made her get on the line to talk about this play. She'd just woken up so she didn't want to talk about the night before. He told her about this ''Avenue Q'' and how it's puppets having sex and stuff. Howard told her he wanted to go see ''Wicked'' or something like that. Beth said she doesn't even remember last night so Howard told her what happened. She said she didn't wake him up on purpose but he said she did. He said she was trying to be playful with him and that's how she woke him up. Beth talked about how the E Street Band was there hitting on her and her friends. Howard said she came home hammered and they ended up having sex. She joked that she forgot about that but then said it was amazing. He said she fell back asleep and he was wide awake for a while. Howard joked that he had to spank her after that but she knew he was lying about that. Howard said Beth went to this exclusive club called Soho House and was just hanging out there. Beth said there's a whole world going on during the week that Howard doesn't get to see. Howard said he just can't do that stuff during the night. Beth said she can't believe what she's been missing out on for the past 3 and a half years. She said she was just kidding and loves her life with Howard.
Howard asked Beth why when he's not around, she has to get completely wasted. She said that's not true. Howard called Beth out about waking him up and denying it. She admitted that she did wake him up and tried to cover it up. Howard said he knew she was lying about that. He and Beth talked about the play situation. Howard brought up the Harvey Firestein thing again and said he would like to see the show but the guy hates him.
A caller told Howard that his girl went out drinking one night and came home with two guys. He said his girlfriend told him that they just drove her home. That led to Howard asking Beth if the E Street Band were all hanging out at his apartment this morning. Another caller yelled about Beth's discussion about being out last night. Howard was going to let her go but a caller said he would love to get tickets to the Bruce Springsteen show tonight. Beth said she probably could get him tickets because she has the number for their manager or someone like that. Howard had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard said he's got a bunch of stuff in production now including a cartoon, two movies and Bob's show. He said he almost had a third movie but the script writer wanted to direct the movie as well and Howard didn't want to let him do that. He said a production company won't let a guy direct a big time movie for their first job.
Howard brought up the Halle Berry story and how she's apparently breaking up with her guy Alec Benet. Howard played some of his music and it was really bad. He remade ''Dust in the Wind'' and it was so bad that Howard had to play it. Howard goofed on the song a little bit and did his Lite FM DJ impression as he goofed on some of his other songs. Artie said if that guy looked like him, he'd be sitting people at The Olive Garden. Howard got to some better music after that and played some David Bowie songs. He said he had one stuck in his head last night. He played ''Panic in Detroit'' and tried to figure out what song a certain lyric came from. He said he was singing ''I'm an elevator salesman'' and he knows that those aren't the right words. He wanted to figure out which song that was and what the right lyrics are. He wanted the guys to bring in every David Bowie CD they have. Howard played the song over again after thinking about it. He took a call from a guy who said he didn't know the name of the song but it was on a certain album. A little later a woman told him it was the song ''Moonage Daydream.''
Howard got back to the Rush Limbaugh thing and talked about how strange some of the news reports were. Howard said Chaunce Hayden told them that he heard that Rush will not be charged with anything in this case. Howard said it's ridiculous that Tommy Chong is going to jail for selling bongs and stuff and Rush won't be charged. Chaunce said that he got his info from the FOX News channel but they were defending Rush all day yesterday so it may be inaccurate. Mike didn't seem to think his information was accurate either.
Howard moved on to Mike's game shortly after that. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard said some guy sent in a song parody about Robin's experience with her diarrhea out in California. The song is ''Chariots of Fire'' and there are fart sounds and Robin's laugh thrown in.
Howard took a call from Savanna who was on the evaluators last Friday. She said she saw herself last night on E! and she thought she looked horrible. Howard said she was okay in person though. Benjy though it was just the opposite and she looked better on TV.
A listener called in and pointed out how dumb Howard sounded getting the lyrics wrong with the David Bowie song. He couldn't spend much time on that because he had to get to Roger Daltry.
The Who's Roger Daltry came in to talk to Howard. He was apparently getting kind of antsy out in the green room. Howard said Roger cut his hair so he asked him what was up with that. He said he's getting old so he cut it off. Howard said he's getting old too but he doesn't cut it. Roger said ''That's because you're ugly!'' Howard said he had to get used to that look because he was so used to seeing him with the long hair. Howard wondered if he's doing it because he's on TV now. Roger said he just couldn't stand dealing with the long hair anymore. He said it's different when you're young.
Howard talked to Roger about hanging out with Jimi Hendrix years ago and how they used to do drugs together. Roger didn't want to talk about that stuff for some reason. Howard brought up Paul McCartney and how he went to see his concert not too long ago. Roger thought the music sounded kind of like a swing band. Howard said that he liked it all but Roger was goofing on how it didn't even sound like rock and roll anymore. Roger said McCartney is a great singer but he just doesn't like what he's doing these days.
Howard and Roger talked about Robert Plant a little bit and did his impression of him. He also had Artie do his AC/DC impression for Roger, who wasn't a fan of their music. He said he likes the guys in the band, just not their music.
Howard asked Roger what was up with all of The Who's farewell concerts. Roger said they never said they were doing a final tour. They would just decide not to go on tour after doing it for a while. Howard told him they can't keep saying it's their final tour if they're going to keep coming back. Howard ended up talking about the Rolling Stones concert he saw not too long ago. He said they were still good even after all of these years.
Howard said that Roger stuck behind Pete Townshend when he was charged with child porn stuff. Howard said he bailed out on him when he heard about it. Roger told Howard what happened and how he believes that Pete wasn't looking for child porn, he just ran across it and told the police about it. Roger claims that the authorities lied about some stuff and said that he downloaded the child porn when he actually didn't. Howard and Robin said that this is why Pete has to stay on tour, otherwise he ends up doing these ''investigations.'' Roger told Howard that Pete isn't the most well thought out person when it comes to that stuff. He said he does know that he's not into child porn though.
Howard asked Roger if he thinks that David Bowie still rocks. Roger said that he does still rock and he's always rocked. He said he's always ahead of the ball in music. Howard gave Roger a plug for this History Channel show that he has coming up soon. He hosts a show where they reenact history. Howard asked him if they kill Jews or something like that. Roger told Howard that they don't do that but they do other reenactments.
Howard asked Roger about his marriage and if he's been able to remain faithful to her. Roger told Howard that his wife knew what she was getting when she married him so it wasn't a big deal. He also said that he doesn't know why people make sex such a major part of their relationship. Howard asked him if he ever went back to his wife and told her about banging a famous chick. He said he didn't say anything to anyone about stuff like that. Howard tried to get him to talk about some of the chicks he's banged but he wasn't talking. He said sometimes he and his wife may have talked about some of that stuff.
Big Black called in and said he loved him on the TV show ''Sliders'' and heard that he may have banged Kari Wuher. Roger said he wasn't saying anything about that and he wondered who his source was. A few other people said that they paid big bucks to see The Who's ''final tour'' but they still haven't had one. Howard said the Rolling Stones did the same thing and they're still on the road.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said he had some story about him having a tumor in his stomach for years. Roger wondered if Chaunce had been talking to his doctor or something. Roger said he kept it secret for a while. He said this thing used to pop up at night and he'd poke it trying to get rid of it. He eventually went to a doctor and had it removed.
Howard took some more phone calls and Mariann from Brooklyn called in to tell Roger that he's not so good looking since he said that Howard was ugly. Howard gave Roger a plug for his show ''Extreme History'' that airs this Sunday at 10:30pm on The History Channel. Roger thought it was a ten o'clock show but Howard said it's 10:30. Howard was trying to wrap up the interview but Artie brought up the death of John Entwhistle. They spent a short time talking about that before Howard took a break.
Daniel Carver was on the phone next so Howard told him he was being beaten by a retard. Daniel said he doesn't know all that much about football. Howard asked him what he thinks about this whole Rush Limbaugh thing where he made some racist comments about a black football player. Danile said he's just another one who will be put down for telling the truth. Artie complained that Daniel's people stole his people's land. Artie had to tell him that he's part Native American. Daniel said his people were savages and that's why their land was taken. Howard got his pick of the Minnesota Vikings and spent a little while longer talking to him. Howard asked him what he does instead of watching football. He said he rides a motorcycle, flies, does yard work and stuff like that instead of watching ''a bunch of nig**** running around playing football.'' Robin asked Daniel why he doesn't complain about the Jews, all she ever hears is stuff about the nig****. Daniel said that the Jews are the devil and went off on them a little bit. Howard wrapped up the call a short time later.
Sanders the Chicken was next and picked the Titans by pecking at some food on a board with the team names on it. A listener called in during the segment and told Howard that a local TV station was ripping him off by having a monkey do their football picks. Howard said they always get ripped off like that. Artie made his pick of the Carolina Panthers. Here's the wrap up:
KC asked Howard about the whole chicken thing and how when people go out to eat chicken wings, they eat like 30 wings. He was wondering if that means they had to kill like 15 chickens to get those wings. Howard jokingly told him that they breed chickens with 5 wings so it doesn't take that many. He goofed around with that for a few minutes and then told KC to get out of there.
Howard asked Sunset about her breast implants. She said she just recently had them changed because they were 10 years old. She said Howard should touch them because they're really soft. She told Howard that she does maybe 5 guys a day or so and only does them by appointment. Howard asked her if she's a millionaire from being a whore. She said she's doing very well but didn't say exactly how much she's worth.
Howard asked Sunset how much she'd charge him to just use her hand on him. She said it would be about $300. She said she'd probably get so turned on that she would do more than that for the money. She claims that she actually gets tighter the more guys she has during the day so the 5th guy might like her even better.
Sunset said that she just got divorced 7 days ago and showed Howard the ring she got from the divorce. Howard couldn't get off the subject of whoring though. He wanted to know how much oral would cost. She said she didn't want to talk about that stuff though. She said she used to bring girls back to the husband so they could have threesomes but she had to divorce him because he was a ''suitcase pimp.''
Howard asked Sunset how much she'd charge for straight sex. She said it would be about $2000. She said the guy can do it with her as many times as he wants in the hour he gets. One guy went 3 times with her in an hour one time. Howard asked her if she had kids. She said she has 2 but Artie asked her how much it would cost for her to say she doesn't have any kids.
Howard said they had 3 guys there who wanted to bang Sunset. She wanted to demonstrate what she was going to do to them on someone so Howard had Benjy go over to her. She demonstrated what she'd be doing. Howard said it wasn't great radio but it was great live there in the studio. Benjy asked if she was actually going to have sex with the guys on the date. Howard said he doesn't know exactly what's happening on the date but it's kind of obvious that she probably will.
Howard took a few phone calls for Sunset. One guy said that her house down in Texas burned down and she thought it could have been her ex or the people in her town who didn't like a whore living there. Howard said that story was bringing him down so he moved on to the guys they had in to meet Sunset.
First up was Leroy who hasn't had sex in 2 years since his wife died. He's 47 years old. Sunset said he looked good for his age. Howard said he was missing a tooth though. He gave Leroy one minute to talk to Sunset and said that the audience was going to vote for the person who gives her the best rap. Howard started the clock and let Leroy try to pick her up. The guys asked him how his wife died but he didn't want to get into that. He has two sons that he's raising now that his wife has passed away. Howard started the one minute clock and let Leroy talk to Sunset. He said that he might be the best she's had if she takes him on. He's been storing up 2 years worth of stuff for her.
Howard had Gary tell everyone how to vote for their favorite guy. Gary said you e-mail them with your pick to firstname.lastname@example.org. Howard then brought in the next guy, Anthony.
Anthony has been married for 9 years and he wants to get a little strange. She doesn't know that he's in there today to try and win this date. Howard spend a couple of minutes with Anthony and found out he's been thinking of cheating for quite a while. He met his wife when he was only 14 and he's been with her ever since. Howard said he probably just needs a little ''strange'' and that's why he was in there. Howard wondered if this could lead to the end of Anthony's marriage if his wife finds out about this. He said it could but he's going to risk it.
Howard and Sunset spent a short time talking about the Bunny Ranch thing. Howard gave her a plug for SurvivalPools.com and then had Anthony rap to Sunset.
Anthony didn't have a lot to say so he had quite a bit of time left during his rap. After his rap Sunset said that her nipples got hard. Howard quickly moved on to the next guy.
Howard said this guy Henry came in with his father Rick. His father is the one who called the show and wanted to get his son laid. Rick told Howard that his 18 year old son has never had a girlfriend and doesn't think he's been able to get laid. He's a little overweight but has lost 70 pounds over the past 10 months or so. Henry came in and told Howard that he is a virgin. He told Howard and Robin about how he's just never been good with women even though his brothers have. Sunset said she loves virgins and she gets quite a few out at the Bunny Ranch. Artie told Henry to tell his father he's never done drugs and maybe he'll score some for him later on. Howard had Henry give his 1 minute rap. He said his best chance of getting laid was to be with Sunset.
Howard said those 3 raps were the worst he's ever heard. He said he was going to take a break and give the results afterward. He took some phone calls before doing that though. One guy said if this 18 year old goes to the Bunny Ranch, it's going to kill him. Howard gave a quick wrap up of all of the guys and then went to break.
Howard introduced all of the contestants again and gave a quick synopsis of what their stories were. Howard said that Sunset told him during the break that she hoped the audience would pick the virgin Henry. She said that when they do virgins, it gives them a confidence boost and they're able to go out and get laid on their own after. Robin said she wanted to see Henry win as well. Artie said he wanted Leroy to win. Howard said he hoped to see Leroy win as well. He said he needs something like that in his life because Henry will eventually get someone. Anthony should be able to find someone even though he's married.
Howard opened up the results and kept everyone in suspense as he asked each of the guys if they thought they'd win. He told Anthony to step forward and told him he came in dead last with 9 percent of the votes. Howard said Leroy didn't get it, he only had 17 percent of the votes. Henry got the rest and won by a landslide. Howard had Sunset go over to the losers and the winner to give them hugs and kisses. She apologized to each of them as she made out with them. She gave Henry a kiss and the guys said it looked like he was strangling her. He stuck his tongue down her throat a little too fast. Sunset said she'd teach him how to kiss better when they're together. Howard gave the two losers $500 courtesy of the movie ''Kill Bill'' that opens next week. Anthony asked to see her boobs one last time so she whipped them out. He was impressed with her nipples so Howard had to tell him to calm down. He wrapped up the game a short time later and took another break.
Howard took a call from a guy who claims that he ran into Arnold Schwarzenegger one time... He went on and on so long that Howard just started playing some AC/DC music over the guy. He told the guy the story was pretty interesting but the guy started rambling again so Howard started the music again to drown him out. Howard said Arnold has inspired a lot of people but he couldn't take the guy's story anymore. They goofed on the guy for a short time after that before Robin started her news.