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Howard started off the show talking about how Fred played ''Let Love Rule'' for him this morning. He said that he gave him a hug and told him he was playing it just for him. He said Fred must have gone to see the Dali Lama over the weekend since he was in the city tying up traffic. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and how he was delayed for 45 minutes when he was driving into the city.
Howard said he went down to Atlantic City this weekend and blew about $3,500. He went to the new Borgata casino with Chris Booker. He said Booker had to fly out of there around 4am on Sunday morning to fly out to the Emmy Awards. Booker covered that for ''Entertainment Tonight.'' Booker's girlfriend Linda Lopez was working on the Miss America Pageant so that's why they were down in Atlantic City. Howard said he was playing craps but people kept bothering him down there. He said at one point someone came up to him and wanted to introduce Clay Aiken to him. He said he just wanted to play craps. Howard said Clay came over to him and he didn't have that feminine vibe he was giving off when he was on ''American Idol'' when he met him in person. Howard said the guy was almost as tall as he was. He said he got right back to playing craps after meeting Clay. Howard said he had a lot of pressure on him when he was playing craps. Whenever he rolled he felt like people were counting on him to roll what they needed. He told Robin how much money he blew on Sunday morning when he was getting ready to leave. He said he blew about $1,400 that morning.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who brought up how Gary's hair is going gray. Howard quickly got off the line with that guy and took a call from a guy who was at the craps table when Howard was playing down there. He said that Howard had security around him down there. Howard told the guy that people bug him and stuff so they roped off his table so he could play his game. The guy was complaining that Howard wasn't doing anything except clapping after every roll. Howard told the guy that it's guys like him that cause him to have security around him. The guy told Howard that he should bring Artie with him when he goes next time. Howard said Artie was working over the weekend so he couldn't go with him.
Howard said he went down and played some stuff by himself early Sunday morning without any security. He told the guys how great he was treated down there at the Borgata. He said they treated him to dinner and he didn't see a bill. He said he's told them that he's not a high roller but they still treat him very well. He told Robin how he'd lay out a bunch of money on the craps table but someone would roll and they'd crap out. He said he doesn't know enough about craps to do it right so he probably did a lot of things wrong while he was playing. He told Robin what he'd put money on and how it would get up to about $500 and all of a sudden it would be gone.
Howard said the Miss America pageant was going on down there and Miss Florida won. Howard said some of the girls walked by while he was playing craps so he just turned his head and said ''hi.'' He got right back to his game and then heard there was some grumbling from the girls saying that he wasn't very nice to them. Howard said he wasn't down there for the Miss America pageant though. He just wanted to play craps. He said the girls looked like they could have been his daughter's age anyway.
Howard said his buddy Ross was down there with him playing blackjack and yelling out ''Monkey!'' a lot. He said that's when you want a face card in the game. Howard joked that Robin has to go on a date with a guy because he ran out of money and had to put something up as collateral.
A listener called in and said that they showed the episode of E! where Jeff the Drunk crapped his pants and Ronnie the Limo Driver was pushing Jeff around. He wondered if Ronnie can only push around drunk guys. Howard said he heard that was a pretty wild show.
Howard spent a short time talking about the Emmy Awards and how he thought Darrel Hammond was really good as Arnold Schwarzenegger. Robin thought that it wasn't all that great though. She said that his accent wasn't all there and that he was better as Donald Rumsfeld. The guys also talked about Wanda Sykes and how she wasn't very funny on the Emmys. Artie said he's seen her be really funny in the past but last night was just brutal. Howard had to take a break after talking about that stuff for a short time.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who told him how much she enjoys the show every day. Howard thanked her for that and took another call. Another caller said that Charlie Sheen was on Conan O'Brien's show talking about going to the Olive Garden restaurants. He figures it was another one of these commercial plugs that they work in when they do these interviews. Howard said the tape of Drew Barrymore plugging Kraft cheese really pisses him off. Howard said they had to have paid off Sheen to mention that place because there's no way he goes to that restaurant. Howard said they'd get a copy of the tape to hear it for themselves.
A listener called in and said that he was watching some show where they said that Carley Simon claims that her song ''You're So Vain'' was about Richard Gere. Howard told the guy he must have misunderstood that because he was too young at the time to have had the song written about him. The guy insisted that's what he heard but Howard just didn't believe it so he got off the phone and tried to take another call. No one had a good connection so he had to bail out on a couple more people.
One caller brought up the big BetOnSports.com football pool and wondered who won this weekend. Howard gave the latest wins and losses so here's how it stands as of today:
Howard took a call from a guy who said E! didn't show the guy eating dog doody on last Friday's show. Howard didn't know that they didn't show that part so he called Robin Radzinski in to talk about it. Radzinski said that it was very controversial and they almost didn't get that episode on the air. She said eating the doody was a health risk and they refused to show it on the air. They had to cut out the scene and only showed everyone's reaction to what was going on. Howard had to take another break shortly after that discussion.
Howard played the tape of Chaunce interviewing her and he asked her if they'd ever be seeing her on Howard's show. She said that she would never do it and started to go off on Howard. Chaunce said that Howard had been bad mouthing her on the show so she went off on him saying that his show is ''shit'' and what she does on his show is just objectifying women. Howard said she's just angry that she's not hot herself. He said she wears a lot of clothes to cover up her fat legs and stuff like that. In the tape Chaunce tries to get her to talk more about Howard but she really didn't have that many bad things to say about Howard. She said she didn't know all of what Howard said about them. He kept digging and eventually got her to say that she didn't like him before she ever knew who he was. Howard said he didn't think she said anything that horrible about him.
Howard said he like some of the band's songs but they'd be even better if she was hotter than she is. He and Chaunce talked about that for a minute and then Howard asked him how he's been doing.
Chaunce told Howard that he woke up the other day and his sewer had backed up and flooded his basement with feces and urine. He said it's the worst thing that can happen to a person. Howard said he's had problems like that in the past and it is disgusting.
Howard took some phone calls and talked more about Evanescence. One caller asked Chaunce if he can do an interview without talking about Howard. In every interview he mentions Howard's name. Another caller said that Amy Lee was doing some promos for a station that had Howard on it and she refused to do one of the promos because Howard was mentioned in it. Howard told Gary he has to get that tape so they can play it on the air. Howard took a couple more calls and people really didn't like that Chaunce was on the show. One guy said that Chaunce screwed Scores when he wrote some stuff that shouldn't have been written about it. Howard wondered if Chaunce has tried to get into Scores since he wrote the stuff he wrote. Chaunce said he hasn't tried to get in there since then. He also said that Ronnie the Limo Driver doesn't like him because of that and he holds it against him every time he comes in. Ronnie came in and said that he doesn't hold a grudge against the guy and doesn't say anything to him when he comes in. Howard told Ronnie that he's not allowed to bring that personal stuff to work with him. Chaunce claims that Ronnie told him one time that he doesn't like him and they got it on tape. Ronnie said he never said that and Chaunce was lying. Ronnie also said that Chaunce is not allowed to go to Scores and he'd probably be kicked out if he tried to get in again.
Chaunce and Ronnie were arguing about whether or not Ronnie gets stuff for free over there at Scores. Ronnie was saying he doesn't get everything free. Chaunce called him out on some of the stuff and it sounds like he doesn't pay for drinks and stuff but he does pay for other stuff. Ronnie and Chaunce were ready to get into a fight over this stuff so Howard had to try and clam the two of them down. Chaunce was standing up ready to fight Ronnie.
Ronnie and Chaunce continued to go at each other about this stuff for a short time. Chaunce said that Ronnie is a 50 year old guy hanging around with 20 year old girls at Scores. Chaunce claims that he's a journalists and doesn't go to the same club all the time. Howard thought it was kind of funny that Chaunce calls himself a journalist.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Chaunce sounds like a rat while Ronnie is a loyal friend to the show. Another caller said that they should have Ronnie clean the bathrooms up there at the station since he usually just sits around on his chair in the hallway. A couple of other callers complained about Ronnie and what he's been up. One guy said that Ronnie harasses people at Scores and acts like he owns the place.
Chaunce and Ronnie continued to go at each other throughout the segment. Ronnie said that Lonnie from Scores has mentioned that Chaunce isn't welcome there at Scores. Chaunce wondered what Ronnie's job is over there at Scores. Ronnie said he's a consultant so Chaunce wondered what he consults on but Ronnie said that it was none of his business.
The guys finally brought in the tape from their Pittsburgh affiliate where Amy Lee says that she hates Howard. He quickly played it but she just mentioned that she hates Howard one time and then didn't mention Howard's name when she was supposed to.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said a few things to both Ronnie and Chaunce. He said he didn't like the way Ronnie treated him when he was on last week. He said he didn't like being pushed around the way he was. Ronnie said that Jeff was walking down the hall with a beer in his hand spilling it down the hallway. Jeff said he didn't do it on purpose though. Ronnie said it sure seemed that way because he turned it over and spilled it all the way down the hall until Tom Chiusano grabbed it from his hand.
Howard took a few more calls and then wrapped up the interview. Chaunce will be on ''Naked New York'' on the Metro Channel in New York. He's got a new issue of ''Steppin' Out'' coming out soon with Joe Rogan on the cover. Chaunce goofed on Ronnie a little more before Howard was able to take a break. He said Ronnie treats him like a criminal when he comes in. Doug Goodstein also came in and said that he didn't know what Chaunce was talking about earlier when he said that Ronnie confronted him in front of the E! cameras one time. Chaunce said they were there filming as Ronnie threatened him saying he didn't want him mentioning his name on the air again. Ronnie and Doug didn't remember that happening though. Howard took a break a short time after that.
Joe told Howard that he lifts weights and does Ju Jitsu to keep himself in shape. He also lifts weights. Howard said he might have to give up running and just do what Joe has been doing to get some muscles.
Howard said he and the guys were talking about how much money Joe must be making now. He's got ''Fear Factor'' and ''The Man Show'' going now. Stuttering John has tried to figure it all out so he came in and said he must be making over a million a year for ''The Man Show.'' Joe wouldn't say what kind of money he was making but he did say that he's doing very well. John said that he must be making a lot doing the stand-up stuff as well. Joe said he's not doing that much stand-up though.
Stuttering John figures out what everyone is making so they asked him about Colin Quinn and Gilbert Gottfried. He figures that Colin is good for about $700,000 and Gilbert is between $300,000 and $400,000.
Howard and Joe spent some time talking about Jessica Simpson and how hot she is. They also talked about how dumb she is. Howard said there was a picture of her in the paper this morning at a fashion show and he'd love to just bang her once. He said that's all he would want to do. Howard went on to say that he uses Durex condoms and has his assistant go out and buy them for him. He said that he was running out and asked his assistant to buy some more. His assistant told him that they don't make the type he likes anymore. He said he doesn't believe that they don't make them anymore so he asked anyone who can get them for him to contact him.
Howard said that tonight is the season premiere of ''Fear Factor.'' Joe said that they have some weird stuff going on this season. He said tonight they have a guy who was really religious and he was speaking in tongues while he was getting ready to do his stunt. Joe said it was pretty weird.
Howard asked Joe if he's still with his girlfriend. Joe said they broke up recently. Howard asked him what happened with that. Joe said that he was never going to marry her and he may have wanted to bang other chicks. Howard also brought up ''The Man Show'' and how Joe had one of the Juggies fired from the show. Joe said that one of the girls was able to dance and the other one wasn't so they let one of them go.
Gary came in and said that they had these two girls in to play ''Stump the Booey'' and one of them had a story about Joe Rogan. The woman, Crystal, came in and said she knew Joe many years ago. Joe remembered her as being Ron Jeremy's friend. She went on to tell the story about how they met about 6 years ago. She claimed that it was her first one night stand. She said she got pregnant after that and had an abortion. Joe yelled out ''Thank You Jesus!'' when he heard that. Crystal said that she called Joe after she found out but he never called her back. Joe said his heart was skipping when he heard the story. He was afraid that he had a 6 year old kid out there. Crystal said that taught her a lesson and she doesn't sleep with celebrities anymore. Joe said he thought she was in porn at the time but she said that she wasn't.
Robin asked Crystal if the sex was good that night. She said it was only her second guy and he was good. Howard said Joe was rolling his eyes as he heard this stuff. Joe said he remembers it differently because Ron Jeremy told him different things about her. Joe said he really was nervous as he heard the story about getting pregnant. Howard told her that she should have brought in a kid with her to fool Joe. Joe said he would have had a heart attack if that had happened. Howard asked her how many more abortions she had after Joe's. She said she had one more with her fiancee.
The guys asked Crystal if Joe was big in the pants. She said she doesn't measure guys that way so she doesn't remember how big she was. Joe asked her what hurt her more, him or the vacuum. She said her twin sister made a joke about that as well. Crystal continued to talk about how she thought Joe must have really liked her back then because he slept with her. She said that she'd arrived on the set of ''News Radio'' with Phil Hartman back then. Joe said he thought she came with Ron Jeremy.
Crystal told Howard how she hooked up with Phil Hartman at this club one night after Andy Dick invited them to go to party with them. Howard seemed to think that was a pretty cool way to pick up chicks. She eventually got to meet Joe and hung out with him at the lot on the set of ''News Radio.'' She said she chatted with him for a while and one thing led to another. That's when Joe took her to his trailer and banged her. Howard wondered how long it was after that before she had her third sexual experience. Crystal said she was only 18 at the time. Howard wondered why they didn't use a condom. Robin asked him if he still does that. Joe said he doesn't but sounded sarcastic as he was saying ''No, no...''
Howard asked Crystal what the lesson was that she learned from the one night stand she had with Joe. She said she has to get to know guys ''mentally'' now before she'll bang them. She also told Howard that she did porn a while after that as well. Gary told Howard that Crystal and her sister did some porn together but got out of the business about 6 months ago.
Howard took some calls for Joe before going to commercial break. One guy called in as Joe's baby and a couple of other guys called in and goofed on Joe a little bit. A caller asked Howard what happened after the show the day Howard pissed everyone off in just one sentence. Howard said he pissed Gary off by saying that he thought he was having an affair. He said Gary spoke to him off the air and was really upset about what he'd mentioned. Gary came in and said that it was a really mean thing to do and he got a lot of calls that day from people who heard the show. Gary said that what he did to piss off the other guys on the show was pretty tame compared to what he did to him. He said something like that could wreck his marriage. Gary ended up yelling at him to stop with this stuff already because he was still going off on him. Howard said that Gary challenged him to piss him off so that's the way he did it. Gary told him to drop it already. He said the more he goes on about it the more calls his wife is going to get about it and it's going to get ugly. Howard said he didn't have anything to base that on so it shouldn't hurt his marriage. Gary said that a lot of people didn't know that Howard was joking around about the cheating thing. Howard said he wouldn't walk up to someone like himself and ask him to piss him off. He said he's not going to go easy on him with something like that. He said you can't ask Mike Tyson to punch you and then not let him punch you.
Howard had to take a break but he was having too much fun with Gary. He wanted him to come back in so he could play with him some more. A phone caller said that Gary can only be that pissed off because he must really be cheating. Howard said he had nothing to base that accusation on and he doesn't think Gary is really cheating. Robin said he doesn't have time to cheat because he's too busy taking care of the kids and doing chores around the house. Howard took his break right after that.
Howard asked the girls if they've ever had sex with each other in porn movies. They said they haven't done that but they did have sex with the same guy in a movie they shot. Crystal said it's different to do something like that because they got paid to do it. Gary and the guys were trying to find out how much money it would cost them to get them to have sex with each other. They weren't interested in doing that for any amount of money. Howard spent a little time talking to the girls about their lives and what it was like growing up. Howard also asked Crystal about how old Joe's fetus was when she aborted it. She said it was about 7 weeks old. Howard said that Joe was very happy that she did that.
Howard asked Crystal and Jocelyn how many porn movies they were in. They had really long explanations that Howard didn't want to hear so he tried to shut them up so he could move on to the game. He took a couple of phone calls and let some people ask Joe some questions. One guy brought up Joe's dislike for Dennis Leary. Joe said that he was pissed about Dennis stealing some material from the late Bill Hicks. He said that it's a really scummy thing to do because comics work on their material for a long time honing it and making it work. Joe said he's spoken to some comedians who told him that Dennis is a thief and has stolen a bunch of jokes. Joe said when Dennis was asked about that stuff, he just said that Joe was petty and jealous but didn't say that he didn't steal Hicks' stuff.
Stuttering John came in and said that he's heard that Jay Mohr is also a thief when it comes to comedy. Joe also said that he was fighting with Buddy Hackett shortly before he died. Joe said that he was critiquing a comedian one time and Buddy Hackett got pissed at him for doing that. He said that Hackett was defending the guy saying that the comedian ''made the jokes his'' and how it was no big deal to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if it would be considered cheating if he pleasures himself when his friend's wife is in the same room. Howard said it would be cheating and talked to the guy about that for a short time. He finally moved on to the game.
Howard said the prize money for today's game was being sponsored by Kuya Rum. Howard said he had 5 songs to play. Whoever got the most right out of the 5 would win. Here's what they played and who got them right:
A caller told Howard to ask Joe about his father who he hasn't spoken to in a long time. Joe said he hasn't spoken to his father since he was 7 years old and he's 36 now. He claims that he used to watch his father slapping his mother around and he's not interested in staying in touch with him. Howard went over that stuff for a short time but had to take another commercial break.
Howard had Jon talk about the Emmys and how they had a lot of death stuff on the show last night. He said a good hour of the show was based on death. Howard wondered if the Emmys Jumped the Shark this year. Jon said he's not sure if it was this year or not. They talked about the horrible things that went on during the show. Jon said there was a little bit too much of Brad Garrett on the Emmys last night. People are posting other stuff about the Emmys at JumpTheShark.com.
Jon and Howard talked about Ellen Degeneres and Sharon Osbourne a little bit as well. Howard played some tape of Ellen at the Emmys because Jon said a lot of people thought it was actually kind of funny. Howard said he just didn't get it though. Howard had to bail out on the clip because it was so horrible. Howard took a call from Double A who wondered why Howard's show never gets nominated. Howard said that will never happen because he's not respected. Artie and Fred goofed on Double A a little bit before Howard moved on to more calls.
Howard asked Jon if ''8 Simple Rules'' has jumped the shark now that John Ritter has died. Jon said it has because this is the first time the real lead in a show has passed away. Howard said he got a bunch of scripts from ''8 Simple Rules'' and John Ritter really wasn't in it that much. He said he had maybe 15 lines per episode. Howard joked that he didn't have more than ''8 Simple lines'' per episode.
Robin had Howard play tape of Garry Shandling and Wanda Sykes. Wanda interviewed Bill Cosby and joked around with him a little bit. Cosby said that they spoke English on his show referring to the way she was speaking. Howard also played tape of Bernie Mac doing a bit on the Emmys where he wasn't all that funny. They played a bunch of other clips from the show and had to take a break in the middle of it all.
After taking a break Howard took a call from this woman, Bridgette, who claims to be Joe Rogan's half sister. She said that some of the stuff Joe was saying about their father wasn't really true. She said that her father was very good to her family when they were growing up and there was some stuff that went on that Joe may not have known about. She said she couldn't talk about it then because she was calling in from work. Howard told the woman that she has to understand what it must be like for Joe because his father did abandon him when he was only 6 years old. She said she understood some of it but she wanted to straighten out some of the stuff that he was talking about earlier in the show. Howard thanked her for calling in and got back to their Emmy coverage.
Howard and Robin did a little more on the Emmys and then got to the rest of the news. Jon Hein stuck around to help out with the Emmys and the news.
Howard said he heard that Alec Baldwin canceled his appearance today. He said he was looking forward to seeing him. Gary came in and said Alec called himself yesterday and spoke to Will. He said he couldn't make it in because Stephen couldn't make it in with him. Gary said he didn't even know Stephen was going to be coming with him. Gary told Howard that he promised to reschedule the appearance.
Howard changed subjects and talked about Dr. Phil and how he's out pushing his new diet book on this new show he's got coming out. Gary said he has a bunch of fat people come in to go on this diet plan. Howard points out that Dr. Phil is fat himself so he doesn't understand how he has the balls to tell people how to lose weight. Gary told Howard how they put everyone in bathing suits to show how fat they are. Then Dr. Phil berates them and yells at them about losing weight. Howard said they know someone who's on the show. One of their affiliate station's board operator is in the ''fat house.'' Howard seems to think these people aren't going to eat while they're on camera because most fat people tend to eat in private. Gary said it doesn't seem that way so far. He filled Howard in on a couple of other things that went on during the show before Howard had to take a break.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked about the ratings that some of these other guys like Bill O'Reilly get. Howard wasn't sure but he said he does watch some of those TV programs on FOX News and MSNBC. Howard said he watches a lot of them but not the Imus show. Howard spent a short time talking about that.
Howard said that he got some mail about the condoms he was asking about on yesterday's show. They still make the condoms he was looking for and now his assistant has found them so he doesn't have that problem anymore.
A phone caller asked Howard to play a game so Howard let him play the game where he had to guess a sound effect that Fred plays. Fred played the clip from ''South Park'' where the woman says ''Wha, wha, What?'' Howard didn't even know that one. The caller didn't know it so he didn't win. Howard didn't give him the money and got him off the phone.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Imus and how he doesn't wear headphones on his radio show. Howard said he heard that he's losing his hearing so he wears ear pieces instead of headphones. That led to Howard talking about working with Imus back at WNBC. He talked about this poster they brought out for Imus and how ugly the guy was in it. Howard said the scene in his movie where Imus slams the door in his face wasn't exactly true but he did blow him off when he met him. Howard said he told Imus he would surpass him eventually and that's exactly what he did.
A listener called in and asked Howard how long he waited to kiss Beth when they started dating. The guy said he kissed his date on the first date but it was on the cheek. Howard said you never kiss a chick on the cheek on a date. He said he didn't kiss Beth on the first date. It was probably on the third date when he finally kissed her. He told the guy about how he went over to her place with Vinnie and Mitch from CBS since he was out with them that night. He said they left a short time later so Howard moved in on Beth after that. He said they got together and started to kiss. He said he doesn't use a lot of tongue. He said he's not a big tongue guy and a lot of chicks don't like a guy to jam their tongue down their throat. He said later that night they went out and hung out with some other people. Beth told him to go ahead and dance with other girls if he wanted but he decided to stay and talk to her. Later that night they went back to his place and hung out. He said they didn't do anything that night, Beth just went home but Howard called her 4 hours later.
The caller on the line said he wanted to play that sound effect game. Fred played the sound which was Brooklyn Dodgers Ralph Branka saying ''Let me alone... why me, why me, why me...'' The guy didn't have the correct answer so Howard quickly moved on.
A listener called in and said he thought he saw Gary out at a diner with a hot blonde. Gary came in a short time later and said he worked until 2:30 yesterday afternoon and went home so that wasn't him. Howard then took a call from Vinnie Favale from CBS who got Howard back to the story about the date with Beth. They spent a short time on that and Howard said they hardly get to see Vinnie anymore. Vinnie said he doesn't get invited to hang out. Howard said he does invite him to stuff but he doesn't come. Howard also brought up the fact that Vinnie is doing a voice on the TV show ''Ed'' this season. Vinnie told him that it's only a voice and his face isn't ready for prime time. Howard and Vinnie continued to talk about hanging out and stuff like that. Howard told him that they're going to Scores today to do some work looking for the ''World's Smartest Stripper'' so they can bring her in to play a game with her soon. He said that Vinnie spends his spare time writing bad songs with one of their finance guys, Tom Gisamundo. Gary said they are like ''Norton and Cramden'' because they work on TV shows and other inventions together. Vinnie said they have an invention they're working on now that he didn't want to talk about because he thinks they can have it out by Christmas. Howard wanted to know what it was but Vinnie wasn't talking about it.
Howard wanted Vinnie to sing him one of their songs. Vinnie sang a little bit of their stuff and it wasn't that good. Howard and the guys goofed on him about it and told him to bring the song in so they could hear it. The guys also wanted to see some video tapes Vinnie has. He sent these tapes to his wife before they were married. Vinnie said they were really gay and they're on Beta tapes so it's hard to find a machine to play them on. Gary said Vinnie barely even knew this woman before he proposed to her. Vinnie had called a wrong number and got this woman. They knew each other mostly from the phone calls and he pretty much proposed to her before meeting in person.
Vinnie was telling this story about meeting this woman for the first time. He cursed at one point so Howard had to hit the delay on him. Howard then found out that Vinnie got to bang her on the first date. They knew each other from the phone calls though so it wasn't really like a first date. Vinnie told Howard about the tapes he put together for this woman and how gay they were. Howard said it would be great if he brought those things in so they could check them out.
Gary said he once tried hitting on a chick years ago and she was really bummed out about losing a boyfriend. Gary said about 10 years later he found out it was Vinnie who she'd lost. Gary said the woman was so upset about it she could barely go on. Stuttering John asked Howard if he thinks Vinnie is good looking. Howard didn't answer so John started laughing. Vinnie said that he's probably better looking than any of the guys in the studio. Howard came up with the idea to take everyone's picture and show them to Russian women out on the streets of New York City. Howard said they could find the best picture they've ever taken so they look their best in the contest. Vinnie seems to think he looked like a boy band member when he was younger. John said he may have looked like ''Joey Fat-one.''
Howard and the guys were goofing on Artie a little bit about how he used to practice asking out his girlfriend in the mirror. Artie said he would actually practice asking for a Jack and Water in the mirror because she was a bartender at the time.
Howard said he has a picture that Beth took of him when they were on vacation one time that he's going to use for this contest. Gary said he was looking at some of the pictures on Howard's office wall and it seems that he went through a ''vest phase'' in his life. Howard said that was Ralph who used to dress him in vests. He said he's going to stop listening to Ralph about his wardrobe. Howard said that KC is out of this contest because he's too good looking. He said it's an ugly guy contest... and yes, Benjy is in it. Howard said Stuttering John is a pretty good looking guy and he'll probably win the contest. The guys spent a little time talking about their wrinkles and stuff. Howard said he thinks he needs some Botox injections. Howard told Vinnie to bring his stuff in ASAP so they can play that stuff. He took a break right after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who thought he was calling a credit card company. He said he'd gone to The Bunny Ranch and they allegedly overcharged him for it. The guy eventually figured out that he was talking to Howard and said he knows it's a stupid thing to charge a hooker to an American Express card.
Howard asked Robin if she had any idea what Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have to pay for their wedding even though they're not going through with it. Robin put some numbers together and tried to figure out how much it could have been. Howard gave her some hints and said that they were spending $800,000 on bridesmaid dresses alone. Robin guessed $4 million total. Howard said she was close and it was actually $3.2 million. Howard said that was more money than their movie ''Gigli'' even made.
Howard read some email about yesterday's show. A lot of people didn't like the twins that played ''Stump the Booey'' but a lot did like the Joe Rogan segment when they dropped the bomb on him and told him he'd gotten a girl pregnant 7 years ago. Howard read one email that said Joe's segment was kind of boring and then they dropped that bomb on him and it was great.
One emailer told Howard he should fire Ronnie the Limo Driver. There were some others who said that he's really not a great security guy and even a girl scout could get through his security with a well place punch to his ''turkey goblet neck.'' There were other emailers who didn't like Chaunce Hayden when he was on yesterday. Some people hated both of them on the show yesterday.
Howard got an email about the horrible John Stamos commercials that have been running lately. Howard said he hardly sees commercials anymore because his TiVo allows him to zip right through them. He said that all commercials are dumb anyway so Stamos' is no different.
Howard got some mail about last Friday's E! show where Jeff the Drunk's dirty underwear was shown. A guy said his girl had to leave the room when some of that stuff came up.
Howard said his production company has sold a show to Showtime called ''Etiquette for Outlaws'' which is based on a book of the same name (''Etiquette for Outlaws'') He said if you want to get into some kind of crazy stuff, they'll actually be teaching people how to do it the right way. He said if you're interested in it, you can go to an open casting call on September 28th at Fantasy Island in Los Angeles at 11434 West Pico Blvd. between Barrington and Sawtelle. You can get more info at EtiquetteForOutlaws.com
Some callers said it sounded like a cool idea. Howard said it can be anything you want to get into. It'll be on Showtime so they can show everything. He said if you want to know how to go to a whore or get into some kind of wacky sexual stuff, you can do it on this new show.
Howard took a call from a 44 year old guy who wants to get in on Howard's show. Howard told him he might be a little old for the show but it might be funny to get someone like that on the show to see what happens. Howard let him play a quick game of guess the sound effect and ended up giving him a $500 prize for guessing the clip which was Pat Cooper saying ''Who tol' you dat?''
Howard played a voice mail that they got where a guy asked Robin who she would rather bang, High Pitch Erik or Ellen Degeneres. Robin said she doesn't ''want'' to bang either of them. She said if she really had to choose, she'd pick Ellen. Howard said that was a no-brainer and that's who he thought she'd pick. He took a break right after that.
Howard found out she's 32 years old and 5'2'' tall. Howard said she might be too short for him but he'd bang her anyway. He said they wouldn't be a good couple because they'd look odd together. Howard said he would go up to her hotel room and sit on her bed so he's closer to her height though. He went on to tell her about what he'd do to her if he could bang her. Howard told Dannii that she should go out with a guy no taller than 6 feet. She said she only weighs about 100 pounds. Howard said she's got huge breasts and they look great on her. He also said that she looks even better than her sister. Dannii said that Kylie is actually even shorter than her.
Howard said that he likes that she's the less famous sister because he could probably get her. Howard asked her if she's a good dancer. She said she loves to dance so Howard said he'd love to dance with her. He did a little bit of his dancing for her but Robin told him he should actually try dancing next time. Howard had Dannii get up and dance a little bit as well. After seeing that Howard said he wants to bang her even more now. He said he was really turned on by what she was doing.
Howard moved on to other things and asked Dannii about being married at one point. She said she moved to New York and got married for a little while. Robin wanted some details. Dannii said she met this guy working on a soap opera. She said things didn't work out for them. She said she's dating a few guys now. She said she's not exclusive to any of them and they didn't know that until she said it on the air. She said she lives in different countries so she has guys all over the place. She said she doesn't have one in the U.S. at this point though.
Howard thought that Dannii caught her guy cheating on her and that's why she got divorced. She said that wasn't the case though. She said things just weren't working out. Howard read some other details on her and how she dated a couple of other famous guys like F1 driver Jaques Villeneuve. Howard heard that she got a $600,000 engagement ring from that guy. He seemed pretty amazed that a guy like that could afford a ring that expensive. Dannii told Howard that those guys make a lot of money.
Howard read that Dannii was asked out by magician David Blaine. Howard and Robin talked about how his London stunt isn't going over very well over in London and it may ruin his career. Howard asked Dannii why she didn't date him. She said he was a little strange.
Howard read that Danni had sex under a waterfall in Australia one time. She said that it was great. Howard moved on to ask her when she last had sex. She told him she did it about a week ago. Howard figured she must be really horny. He asked her if she uses a vibrator. She told Howard she prefers a ''nice hard man'' instead of a vibrator. Howard tried to get her to talk about masturbation a little more but she seemed to be avoiding the question. Howard moved on to ask her about getting topless on a beach and then asked her if she's ever had sex with another woman. She said she hasn't done that yet. Howard said he'd love to get Dannii and her sister in bed together.
Howard moved on to Dannii's CD, ''Neon Nights,'' and talked about what he'd put in her videos if he was directing them. She also told Howard that her song ''Vibe On'' is about the scene in Howard's movie ''Private Parts'' where the woman sits on her speaker while Howard gets her off with his voice. Howard played a little bit of the song and tried to dance to it. Dannii said she was writing the song from the viewpoint of the girl sitting on the speaker.
Howard took some phone calls for Dannii after playing her song. One guy called in and asked her if she'd like to date him. Of course Howard hung up on the guy and moved on. Howard asked Dannii if that was her real name. She said her real name is Danielle. Howard also read that she books herself into hotels under the name ''Pussy Jones.''
Howard took a couple more phone calls and Jeff the Drunk called in to ask her if she enjoys giving oral. She said that was a tough one and she wanted to get back to him on that. Howard figured she enjoys getting it. She said every girl likes that. Jeff the Drunk then asked her if she likes ''butt play'' or ''Bukkake.'' She didn't know what the Bukkake thing was so Howard just moved on and took some more calls. A caller asked Dannii if she was going to show any boobs this morning. Howard hung up on the guy and got back to Dannii's CD.
Howard played a little bit of Dannii's song ''I Begin To Wonder'' before he wrapped up the interview. Another caller asked if she'd ever do Playboy. Dannii said that she actually did Playboy in Australia when she was ''young and pretty.'' Howard told her she looks great now though. Howard told her that the strap falling off her shoulder was really hot as well.
Stuttering John came in with some nude shots (try this site) of Dannii. Howard said that she had a great body. Some of the pictures he was looking at weren't even her though. Stuttering John asked her if she had implants because some of the pictures showed her with smaller boobs. She said she did get implants. Howard said he liked the smaller boobs and thought she should have left them alone. Howard asked her why she'll get naked for a magazine but not in the studio for them. She wasn't sure. Howard offered to take his pants off if she took something off but she wasn't interested.
Howard read an article on the internet yesterday about a woman who had a really bad smell coming from her apartment. The old woman had 130 cats in hear apartment and she passed away. The son would come over and just drop off bags of food for the cats. They never cleaned up after them so the crap piled up. They claim that there was 3 feet of cat feces on the floor. Howard said the amazing thing was that the house was valued at $144,800.
Howard said he had another article about a new organization called The National Association To Advance Fat Acceptance. Howard said the woman who runs the organization is 5'10'' tall and weighs 460 pounds. Howard said of course people haven't accepted people that fat because it's not necessary to be that big. Howard said people like that are willing to do anything but give up eating too much food. He said people should be happy that people are goofing on you when you're that heavy. Both Howard and Robin said that people do have control over their bodies and fat people have made themselves fat by stuffing themselves.
Howard read that they have a new King Kong movie in the works but he thinks they should change the story. He said the original movie was the best and he's already seen that story so they have to change it somehow. He gave a few of his own suggestions for the movie.
Howard said that they have these shows out now like ''Punk'd'' and other extreme hidden camera TV Shows and they're just Candid Camera remakes. Howard said the most extreme thing he has thought of is putting hidden cameras on retards. He said they could put a retarded person in a cemetery and scare the crap out of them with a fake monster. He said that would be great because they'd believe that it was a real monster.
Howard said he met Kim Cattrel a few years ago at a party. He wondered how people can tell her how great she looked when she was on the Emmy Awards the other night. Howard said she looked horrible to him and had fat in places that she shouldn't have. People were just kissing her ass for some reason and he doesn't get it. Howard said he doesn't get Ellen Degeneres or that Wanda Sykes either.
Howard said their intern Cameron came up with a game called ''Would You Rather...'' He had a few questions like Would you Rather...
Howard said Cameron had another game where you say ''I cried when ___ happened.'' Howard said he cried when he had to tell his kids that he and his wife were getting a divorce. Gary said he's cried during some movies. Artie cried at a Michael Jackson concert one time and at the end of ''Shindler's List'' and ''Field of Dreams'' when the guy was playing catch with his father. Howard said he has wept at a couple of movies that he's watched lately. Gary described a couple of movies that he's cried during. Howard said he cried when he watched ''Free Willy.'' He said he cried during ''Juanna Man'' as well. Robin thought he was kidding but he was serious. He described the movie and said it got horrible reviews but it was actually pretty good. Gary said he has cried during Elton John's ''Last Song'' for some reason. Howard had the guys get him the CD so he could try it out on Gary. Gary said that the song is about a guy who dies of AIDS and Gary had that happen to his brother so that's why it hits him so hard. Gary started crying before Howard even played the song. Howard was laughing so Gary wondered why it was so funny. Howard played ''Last Song'' (on the CD ''The One'') and said he likes to see people so emotional because he can feed off of that. Howard thought the song was pretty good but Robin didn't like it at all.
Tom Chiusano came in and asked Gary if he gets upset when he hears Bruce Springsteen's ''Philadelphia.'' Gary said it doesn't hit him quite as hard as this song did. Howard ended up asking Tom if he cried when he found out he had cancer. Tom said he did cry quite a bit when he first found out. That led to the guys talking about how Tom paid off his house when he was sick because he wanted everything to be right for them if he passed away. Tom said it was very easy to just walk in and write out a check for the balance of his mortgage.
Artie asked if anyone has ever cried over a celebrity they didn't know when they died. Howard said he got pretty upset when John Lennon was killed. The guys talked about some of the other things they've cried over. Tom said he cried over the horse Secretariat dying for some reason. Stuttering John told the guys about the movies he's cried over. He said he cried during ''Maid in Manhattan'' and ''October Sky.'' Gary said he's seen people cry over commercials as well. Howard joked that he gets a misty eye when he sees that John Stamos telephone commercial.
Howard went to break after that and had Robin Start her news after the break. During the news Robin said that Dennis Leary responded to Joe Rogan's claims that he stole material from the late Bill Hicks. Leary responded to Page Six when asked about Rogan's claims and said that if Rogan knows of a way to steal enough material to fill a 1 hour HBO special, he should let him know. Howard pointed out that Leary didn't deny stealing Hicks' material though.
Howard was out at Scores last night so he started off the show talking about how it's the greatest place in the universe. Howard said Artie was drinking water last night instead of Jack and water. Howard was drinking though so Artie got upset and decided to have some drinks himself. He said he only had a couple of Jack and waters... Three to be exact. Howard said he had a couple of drinks to. He was there to find the Smartest Stripper for a game they have coming up. He said he picked Heather as his favorite. He said she knew a few trivia questions he asked her. He said she knew what a femur was and what the square root of 64 was. Stuttering John came in and said that this girl is a ringer but Howard said she was a stripper so she was fair game in this contest they're having.
Howard said there was a girl there who was from Columbia who insisted on being America's Smartest Stripper but she didn't know any American history. Howard said he asked some of the girls questions and they gave him some really strange answers. One girl said there are 700 states in the U.S. Another girl didn't know what a pickle was. Stuttering John said he asked a girl who fought us in World War II and all she said was ''What year was World War II?''
Gary sent Jason to Scores to get him a stripper. Howard said that wasn't right but Gary said he'd tried out Heather and she didn't know a lot of the questions he asked her. Fred also found a pretty smart girl that he was working all night. Gary said he had a really smart girl out in Chicago when they were at the new Scores a couple of weeks ago. She won't come on TV though so he's out of luck.
Howard said Stuttering John was asking one of the waitresses at Scores some questions but she's not part of the game. Howard said the waitresses were really hot there at the club. John said Artie asked one girl the capitol of New Jersey and she said ''New Hampshire.'' Artie said that was the only question she got wrong though and she's the one he picked to be his ''America's Smartest Stripper.''
Howard said that the girls had a lot of glitter on last night and that's not a good thing. He said Ronnie is going to talk to Lonnie about that because guys don't want to go home with glitter on. Howard told Robin about how they've changed the club around and how great the food is there.
Artie said he had to change shirts after going to Scores because he was going to visit his girlfriend Dana. He said she knew that he'd changed shirts because he pulled it out of his car. He stuck to his story though and insisted that he hadn't changed shirts.
The guys all talked about how hot all of their girls are that were picked for the game. Howard said he found one stripper who was really hot and smart but she didn't want to appear on his TV show so she backed out of doing it. Howard said he also had a problem with the amount of money their contest grand prize is worth. He said it's a $15,000 grand prize and some of the girls weren't impressed with that. He said one girl said if she won, she wouldn't have to work for a week.
Howard asked Ronnie the Limo Driver about the glitter problem they had there at Scores. He told Howard that Lonnie will take care of you if you have a problem with that. He said they would have given Artie a new shirt if he needed it. Howard and Ronnie also talked about how great the restaurant is there at Scores. Artie said they should go there to have a steak and watch Monday Night Football sometime. Howard said he wouldn't be able to sit there and watch TV with all of the hot chicks being there. He said he'd have to go get some lap dances.
Howard said he promised to get the Columbian stripper into Playboy. He also said he'd make her one of the judges for the contest. Gary wondered what a judge does in a contest where people have to answer questions. Howard told him to just allow her to sit in the studio during the contest. Howard said Artie's stripper, Dakota, heard about the Playboy thing so she was asking about that. Howard said he's going to have to get a couple of the girls in Playboy.
Howard said the Smartest Stripper contest is being sponsored by Kuya Rum. He took some phone calls after announcing that. A guy called in sounding kind of wasted so Howard attempted to talk to him for a few seconds before bailing out on the call. Another caller had his radio on too loud so he hung up on him as well.
Howard said he saw that Tawny Kitaen is coming on the show soon. Howard said he hasn't seen her since she got in a fight with her husband. Howard said the mug shots taken around that time were horrible and she looked really bad. Howard said he's looking forward to seeing what she really looks like. Gary told him that she told him that she looks a hell of a lot better than she did in that mug shot picture.
Robin brought up how bad Dannii Minogue's music was yesterday. Howard said she was hot though. He didn't like her music but didn't say anything about that to her. Artie said she could dance really well too.
Howard asked the guys if they'd watched some porn that they got where women directed the movies. Howard said it was gross and it wasn't a good thing. He said there were gross looking guys in the movies and they looked like they were almost retarded. Fred saw it and talked about how the stuff was too graphic for him. It was over the top and horrible according to Howard. Howard said that women should not be directing porn.
Robin said that the cat was frozen after it died and when it was sitting out it started to defrost. Artie also thought it was funny that Robin said the cat had died ''at home.'' He asked ''Where else would it have died, at work?'' He laughed hysterically as he was joking around about this stuff. He asked why they didn't just throw the cat out.
Jeff the Drunk called in and called Robin a ''big dumb pussy.'' Howard hung up on him and took a call from a guy who asked if they had an obituary put in the paper. She didn't so the guy said he just dug a hole and buried his cat when it died. Howard said his cat died a few months after his divorce so it was really sad around that time anyway. He said he had to go home and talk to the kids about the cat dying. They all said goodbye to the cat and put it in a shoe box and ''disposed of it.''
Howard asked Robin if she's had any cats pass away. She said she had one of hers die but she didn't know it very well. She had the vet's office just take care of it for her. She said the cremated it. Gary said that they his buddy had a $400 vet bill for a gerbil that had to get an abortion. Most people would just buy another gerbil instead of spending that kind of money on a rodent. The listener on the phone said that he's just going to bury his favorite pet dog in the back yard when it dies. He's not going to spend tons of money on a funeral.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't think the girls at Scores are all that hot. Howard said they were really hot last night and didn't know what the guy was talking about. Howard took another call from a guy who invited them over to a bar mitzvah for his cat. The guy also asked how creepy the funeral director at a pet cemetery must be. Robin the Intern added that they have to pay a $230 fee every 2 years for maintenance. Artie said the pet cemetery people must be laughing their asses off over this. Another caller told Howard it's actually illegal to bury a dog in your back yard. Howard said that's right because it can contaminate the ground water.
Some people started trying to figure out Robin's age. She'd said that she had this 22 year old cat since she was 13 and it died about 6 years ago. It turns out that Robin the intern is 39 year old but Howard said she doesn't look that old and he would have thought that she was a young college student.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told a pet story of her own. She also told Howard that High Pitch Erik lost a pet and ended up throwing it down the incinerator instead of disposing of it properly. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard said that the newspapers picked up on the story about his new TV show ''Etiquette for Outlaws'' that he's producing. He explained the show again and reminded everyone that it will be on Showtime. Howard said it's pretty much unlimited what they can show on Showtime so they won't have to censor the show. He also said the show is based on the book ''Etiquette for Outlaws.'' Howard gave some examples of what they can do on the show and how they're looking for both experts and novices for the show. You can find out more at EtiquetteForOutlaws.com. A listener called in and asked if there will be penetration on the show. Howard said if they're going to be teaching people how to get into porn, there will be penetration. He also said the show will be educational because they'll be teaching people how to get into porn or how to pick up chicks or something like that. Howard said if you read the book you'll see what they're going to be up to.
A caller asked Howard if they're going to have a host for this show. Howard said they're probably going to have 3 hosts. The caller said that he could be the host. He said he read the whole book and thinks he'd be a good host. Howard talked to the guy about ''how to get rid of your wife'' and they'd have William Shatner host that one. Howard said that his buddy Ron Zimmerman wrote an article about how Hollywood is having trouble getting rid of their wives. He said that Ron seems to think Shatner got away with offing his wife but Howard told him he's got to be wrong. Robin seems to think he may be right though. She said she can speculate about what might have happened and anything is possible.
Howard read from Ron Zimmerman's ''Never Funny List'' of people who got credit for being funny but were never funny. Here are some of the names Howard read:
Robin noticed that Howard's voice was very low this morning. He said he doesn't know why companies don't ask him to do commercial reads. He played with some fake Pontiac commercial reads and said he could do that no problem.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he disagreed with Ron Zimmerman putting Lenny Bruce on his list. Howard said he's not sure about that and said that maybe you had to be around during Lenny's time to get it. The caller also said he had some dirt on Ron Zimmerman. He said that he's writing for the first gay comic book ''The Rawhide Kid.'' Robin wondered how he can write for a gay comic book if he's not gay. Howard said he didn't know and took a break a short time later.
Howard said that he got one of those email letters saying that he has won $650,000 in some kind of lottery in Uruguay. Howard read the letter and said that they request money so you can claim your prize. He said there's a name and a phone number to call in the mail. Then there was a form to fill out along with it. It asks for your bank info and even relatives names. Howard said it's quite a scam they have going on there.
Howard read some other email they've gotten. One guy suggested that they get rid of Stuttering John to make the show better. Another emailer said that Al Michaels looks like he's wearing a bad wig these days. Howard and the guys weren't sure if he actually wears one or not. Howard read another email from someone who suggested that Howard have Clay Aiken on the show. Howard talked about meeting Clay down in Atlantic City over the weekend and said he told Clay to come on.
Howard brought up the story that Joe Rogan started when he claimed that Dennis Leary stole some of his material from the late Bill Hicks. The story has gotten a lot of attention since Rogan made the claim. Howard read an article that the woman who wrote Hicks' biography and she said a lot of people have told her that Leary ripped off Hicks' material. Howard wanted to get both Leary's CD and Hicks' CD to compare the two. The woman who wrote the article said that she found a lot of similarities in them. Howard said Dennis is invited on the show anytime to talk about this stuff. He said it doesn't all have to be about Joe Rogan. He said he'd love to have both of them on the show to debate each other about it.
Howard read an email from a guy who called him a homo because he revealed that he doesn't enjoy tongue kissing. Howard said he didn't say that, he just said he doesn't like big, wet, sloppy tongue kisses. Howard blasted through a few other emails and ended up talking about the ''Queer Eye'' guys and how they're trying to get more money because they think they're being ripped off since NBC is putting their shows on the network. Howard said that they signed contracts to do the show for Bravo and that's what they're doing.
Howard said he heard that Kathie Lee Gifford has been complaining that Regis won't have her back on his show. Howard said she had the gig and she decided not to do it anymore so they shouldn't allow her to come back. Howard said he'd have her on his show anytime. He said she can sell her horrible CDs, her horrible clothes or whatever she wants. Robin said she thinks the clothing line was dropped so she won't be plugging that.
Howard read a story about a guy in Germany who cut off his penis and tongue after taking some type of drug that's in tea. They can't attach either one. Angels Trumpets is what the drug is called. Robin wondered if the 18 year old kid ever even had the chance to use his penis. Howard wasn't sure.
He also said that MTV has yanked off Tom Green's talk show. Robin said she couldn't sit through that show because it was so bad. Howard said Green's career just went downhill after he married Drew Barrymore. Howard said that's the kind of girl you just bang for a month and leave. You don't get married to her. Howard said Green's ball cancer probably ate away at his brain or maybe he fell off his skateboard a few too many times.
Howard said they got an email from a guy who said he has a whole web site dedicated to the ''Would you rather...'' game that Howard played with Robin the other day. He didn't say what the site was though.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that the story about Al Michaels wearing a wig is untrue. He said that Al is just spraying his hair on, that's why it looks odd. Captain Janks called in and said that John Madden mentioned something about Al's hair last season. He said that Michaels said it was real when Madden brought it up.
Howard had some of the ''Would You Rather...'' stuff from this web site YouMustChoose.com. The choices on the site were kind of lame according to Howard. He said ''no offense to the web site'' but the choices were pretty lame. He bailed out on it and said their questions were better. Artie said he was asked ''Would you have 5 minutes of hard core gay sex if you could have every hot chick you want after that?'' Artie said he might do that if he could have any hot chick he wanted after that.
Howard mentioned this thing the other day where you rotate you right leg in a clockwise motion and try to write the number six in the air with your right hand. No one can do it but a woman called in this morning claiming that an epileptic student she has can actually do it over and over again. Howard said there actually is a benefit to having epilepsy.
Twins Trina and Tina were the next strippers to be interviewed. Nick asked them what they thought about this lap dance ban. They said that there's nothing wrong with lap dances because it doesn't hurt anyone. They seem to think that if the girls can't make money doing lap dances, they'll go out to be whores.
Nick got another interview with a stripper who thought it was good in a way to keep guys away from them. She seemed to think that it was a ''six inch'' rule but it's actually six feet. She said she didn't know that. Nick told her that it was six feet while she was giving him a lap dance. He smacked her ass at one point while she was dancing for him.
A listener called in and said that they already passed one of these laws down in Orlando, Florida. He said he owned a strip club there and they ran him out of business when they passed the law. He said there are still people fighting the law down there.
Howard took a phone call after the Suzanne Somers clip. The caller wondered how you can tell a girl that she ''stinks down there.'' Howard said there's no good way to tell someone that. Howard asked Robin what she would think if Mr. X told her she stinks down there. Robin said she thinks she'd appreciate it if he did something like that but it would take some balls to actually tell someone that. Howard told the caller to just break up with the chick. A short time later he gave the guy some advice on what to say to her. He said he might want to mention it to her gently by telling her that he loves her but when he goes down below sometimes, it smells. He said he might want to say that she smells like a decomposing cat or something like that. The guy said that he could bring her into the studio and let Howard tell her. Howard said he'd do it over the phone instead. The guy said he'd call back tomorrow with her on the line.
Howard said his girlfriend has no smell down there whatsoever. He said she always takes a bath and there's something to that. He and Robin were trying to figure out where the problem comes from. Robin said it sounds like it's something internal. A woman called in and said that it sounds like it might be a hygiene problem for the caller's girlfriend. She suggested telling the girl that he loves it when she shaves down there so she will clean up more often.
A caller asked Howard if he would rather have Gary marry his ex-wife or one of his daughters. Howard said he'd prefer the ex-wife. The caller also told Howard that they should give out the names of the people behind these lap dance laws. Howard said that's right because there's probably a ticking time bomb in one of these people's lives. He had to take a break right after that.
Reverend Bob Levy roasted a few people so he played them for Robin. Levy roasted Howard's buddy Ralph and sounded extremely angry. He went off on Ralph about being a fag and trimming Howard's body hair and stuff like that. He suggested that Ralph take that laser pointer and burn that wart off his face. He said it looks like he was Bukkaked by a frog. Levy also roasted Ronnie the Limo Driver. He said that Ronnie is the Barney Fife of the Stern Show and if he were a real body guard, he would have pulled Stuttering John's head out of Howard's ass years ago. He also said the only thing Ronnie can throw out is his back. He also wondered if Ronnie is a school monitor since he sits around in the hall outside the studio all the time. He said the only way he could knock someone over is if his chair fell over on them and that he was as useless as Tyne Daly's C***. Check out Bob's site at revboblevy.net to hear some of his roasts yourself.
Howard replayed the Jessica Simpson tape he played earlier in the morning. He also replayed her song and goofed on that for a short time. Howard said he likes some of these pop songs that Britney Spears has put out over the past few years but he's not a fan of most of them. He also talked about how hot Jessica Simpson is. He said he'd have to kill her if she opened her mouth though. Gary came in and told Howard how he would hate watching Jessica's show because she's so dopey on it and he'd go nuts watching it.
Gary came in and told Howard that Vinnie Favale asked if he could wait until next week to bring in the video tapes he made for his girlfriend when he was first dating her. Howard wanted him in today but Vinnie needs time to get everything together. Howard said that was fine even though he wanted it sooner.
A listener called in and said he'd bet $500 that Gary would fail a lie detector test if Howard asked him if he was cheating on his wife. Gary said he'd take the test but he's still not happy that they'd ask him about something like that. Artie ended up betting the guy $500 on that. Howard didn't seem to want anything to do with it and then the guy said he didn't have the money anyway.
Howard had a little trouble getting started this morning. He kept saying ''you know... uhhh''' and stuttered a little bit on purpose. He said he wasn't sure where to start. He ended up talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger's debate. He said he only heard some of it and didn't see what was going on. He said he couldn't stay up last night to watch it. He was trying to sleep to the sound of Dave Matthews band playing in Central Park. He said he doesn't get that band and luckily he's whimpy and doesn't play that loud. Artie said he really can't stand that guy and couldn't even bring himself to catch the concert to check it out.
Howard said he had a couple of clips of Arnold to play. He let some phone callers comment on the debate before he did that though. Howard suggested that Arnold should have just terminated the people he was debating. Howard also wondered how some of the people got into the debate and others didn't. He decided to take a break before getting to the clips of Arnold.
Howard said the whole city was a mess yesterday because the President was in the city and Dave Matthews was playing in Central Park. Howard said he wanted to go run in the park yesterday but it was closed off to the public. He said he asked the cops if he could run in the park and the white cops let him in. Then he came to another barricade and there were a few black cops there but they wouldn't let him through. Howard and Robin figure they're under more scrutiny and couldn't bend the rules like the white cops did. Robin told Howard how she was able to get over the Brooklyn bridge shortly after 9/11 even though they weren't supposed to let her go over.
Howard said he's really against free concerts and can't believe that they closed down the city for Dave Matthews. Howard said there's this guy who does free concerts in Central Park who's known as Guitar Man but no one makes a big deal about it. He said he goes and watches that guy once in a while but they don't close down the whole city when he performs. Howard and Robin talked about how the concert was promoted by AOL and how they're going to put out a DVD and CD from the concert. He said that people were camping out sleeping on the ground waiting to get into that concert. He said he's not into anything that much that he'd be willing to sleep on the ground to get in.
A listener called in and said there was a line from 66th to 72nd street to get into the concert. They were handing out tickets around the city and that's why there were so many people showing up. Artie said he heard there were only 4 ticket takers letting people in. Howard said he banged Beth last night and by the time he was done with that, the concert was over. He said he could hear the noise from the concert and it was kind of annoying.
Howard took a call from an a woman who was calling in just to tell Howard she was a fan. The problem was that she was rambling and telling Howard that she was a pharmacist. She eventually got to his point and told Howard where the stink in a woman's crotch comes from. Howard kept goofing on the woman about the useless information she'd given when she first got on the air. He bailed out on the call a short time later. That led to Howard and the guys talking about legalizing drugs and how nice it will be when pot is legalized and it's available in a nice package.
Howard got back to the Arnold Schwarzenegger debate and played some clips from that. Arnold was arguing with people like Arianna Huffington and Cruz Bustamante about state spending. Arnold was joking around a little bit during the debate as well. He defended himself against Huffington's attacks by saying that he had a part for her in ''Terminator 4.''
Howard moved on to talk about how they got Gary to cry on the air the other day when they played an Elton John song that upsets Gary because it reminds him of his brother. Howard said some people were touched by that. One woman wrote in and said she cried along with him. Then there were people who thought Gary was a big baby crying to an Elton John song. Some people wrote in about Howard's crying as well. Someone reminded him that he admitted that he cried during the ''Rugrats in Paris'' movie when Chucky was talking about not having a mom.
A listener called in and said he was sitting next to some guy somewhere and he had pictures of Arnold Schwarzenegger naked in a magazine. It turned out it was Blue Boy magazine. The caller said Arnold didn't look all that big in his pants but Howard said he'd be happy to have what Arnold has. He's seen some nudes of Arnold and he's apparently bigger than him. Howard said he would have posed nude if he had a bigger penis.
Howard said that the E! uncensored video (''Howard Stern's Filthy Dirty Tape'') is being worked on and it's mind numbing how crazy it is and how many naked people they've had in the studio. He admitted that the show is a sick show. He said he even wrote a letter to the FCC in advance because it's such a sick show. He said it's one thing when you see it on E! blacked out or on the radio. Then you see all of the crazy stuff strung together, it's unbelievable. He said he almost told Robin Radzinski that they weren't going to release it because it was so crazy. He said they show Crazy Cabbie, High Pitch Erik and Beetlejuice getting stuff eaten out of their asses and it's horrible. They also show Dan the Farter crapping on the floor without any blurring. He said he was laughing while he was watching it though.
Howard's noticed that his voice was very deep this morning. He thought he sounded like one of those commercial announcers. He quickly changed subjects and said that Jack and Kelly Osbourne are coming in next week, not Sharon like he thought. He said he'll take any of the Osbournes though because a lot of people like them. He said Tawny Kitaen and Bill O'Reilly are also coming in.
Howard said he was at Scores the other day getting a lap dance and there was a song on where the rapper was singing about whores and stuff and the stripper didn't seem to be annoyed by it at all. Howard spent a short time talking about Bill O'Reilly and what they're going to talk about when he comes in. He also said that Carrot Top is coming in soon. He said he's been keeping him off the show for a long time and now he's not sure why he's letting him come on. Artie said he thinks he'll be a good interview though. Robin said she went to one of his concerts one time and she laughed. She said his commercials aren't funny but his comedy show was. Artie said he's curious about how much money that guy makes.
Howard said John Stamos will be in soon but there may be something strange going on between them. He hasn't gotten a call from them yet even though they're in the city. He said they usually call him when they come to the city but they haven't done that yet. He said he has a feeling that they might think that he's bad for their marriage or something like that. He took another break after talking about that for a minute.
Howard said he watched the first of the last 3 episodes of John Ritter on ''8 Simple Rules'' and it was a really bad show. Howard said Ritter was all over the show that he watched even though he thought he wasn't going to be in it that much. He said he might try to take the part over since ABC has asked him to do some stuff in the past. He tried to do a script read with some clips from the show but it wasn't working very well.
Eric suggested just douching but the girlfriend said she doesn't want to do that because it's not good for women to do that. Howard suggested that she just take a bath every night to keep the stink down. The girlfriend told Eric that he was in the dog house now that he's done that. They ended up arguing with each other about this and the girlfriend said that he's been out of a job for 2 years now. Howard gave both of them $500 each courtesy of ''The Osbournes - The Second Season.''
Howard told them to go out to dinner together and try to get over this. The girlfriend said this is like a girl telling a guy that his penis is too small. Artie pointed out that soap doesn't make a penis larger though. Howard said the girlfriend will probably break up with Eric and the next guy she's with will benefit because she will make sure she's clean for him. Eric said that's not fair.
Howard said a lot of women have a problem down there and guys are afraid to mention it to their women. He suggested that the two of them go and talk about this before doing anything crazy. Robin said she thought he handled the situation very well. Howard said he would just leave if he met a girl that stunk. Howard said he went to a restaurant one time and got a bad piece of fish. He didn't even tell them that it was bad, he just never went back again. That's the same way he'd be with a woman.
A listener called in and said he had a similar problem with a woman he was with. He would avoid going down there when she wanted him to. He said it had something to do with the vitamins she was taking at the time. He said he'd try to get her into the shower or something like that. She eventually asked him what was wrong with him so he had to tell her that the stink was killing him. He said she tried to clean herself up but they eventually broke up. Howard said she's out there spreading the smell now. Howard talked about how a guy can have some nasty ass smell coming from back there as well. He tries to make sure he's minty fresh back there before he has a woman do anything to him. Howard took a commercial break shortly after that discussion.
Howard took a call from a woman, Victoria, who sounded very excited to be on the air with him. She claimed that she was touching herself so Howard asked her how old she was. She said she was 28 and she had 12 guys waiting to see her. Howard figured she was one of those sex cam chicks. She said that's what she was and that she had her cam on so people could watch her do this on the web. Howard said she probably looks like Dead Air Dave and has big sloppy boobs. She said she's 5'7'' tall and weighs 132 pounds. Howard sounded surprised at the weight. He asked her what she was wearing. She said she has black heels on and was wearing a thong that was pushed off to the side. She had a toy to play with so Howard told her to use it. She asked him to say her name a couple of times because she loves his voice. Howard did that and tried to help get her off.
Howard knew this was all going to come to a plug for the site she's on. She told him that the site she's on is VideoChatGirls.com. Howard had his guys try to get on the site but everyone was logging on and slowing them down. Victoria told Howard that the site is free unless a guy wants to have a private chat. Howard checked out a picture of the girl but she was wearing a bra in the picture they pulled up. Howard sounded pissed that she suckered them in. She wanted him to keep talking but he bailed on the call because they couldn't bring up the video.
Howard said they tried to find bits that were similar on Leary and Hicks' albums but it wasn't that similar. In another clip Hicks talks about the labels on cigarettes. Then they played Leary talking about the same thing but they weren't exactly the same. They were barely similar only because they were about the same topic. They had one more set of clips to compare the two of them. Hicks talks about non-smokers and how annoying they are to him. Leary does a bit about non-smokers as well and it was a little bit similar but he had his own style. Howard said he didn't think it was a rip off. He didn't think they were really that funny either. Howard played one more after that. He had Hick talking about the jogger Jim Fixx who died while jogging. Leary does a bit about Fixx as well but it wasn't really the same. They just mentioned the same guy in their bits.
Howard took some phone calls after playing the bits and one guy thought Joe was just jealous because he isn't a good comedian himself. Another caller said that just because someone mentions something similar on their radio show leads to Howard saying that they're ripping him off. Howard said it's when he hears the exact same thing like Lesbian Dial-a-Date or something like that when he gets pissed. Another caller said that Leary was more of a character than Hicks was. He said he's heard both of them and they do have similar subject matter but that's about it. Artie said it's worse when someone tries to steal someone elses persona, not just their jokes. Howard said that's why he gets pissed when DJs do similar stuff to his show and even try to speak like he does. He said this whole thing wasn't about him though, it's about Hicks and Leary.
Howard took a few more calls after that. One guy was calling in about the smells from women. The guy said that he actually left his ex-wife because she stunk. He said that woman earlier in the show should be happy that her guy was telling her about the stink.
A caller told Howard he came across a cool web site where they have people posting messages about bad tippers like Kathie Lee Gifford and George Takei. Howard had him give the site out and asked him about what they said about the tippers. He spent a minute on that and then took a break. You can check that site out at BitterWaitress.com
A listener called in about the Joe Rogan/Dennis Leary/Bill Hicks thing. He said there are definite lines in some of the CDs where Leary sounds like he's ripping off Hicks directly. He said he's heard Hicks' albums a lot because he helped put them together.
Howard took a call from a guy who brought up the TV show ''Street Smarts'' where they do the exact same thing that Howard started doing years ago where they interview strippers, homeless people and others and then bet on whether or not they'd answer correctly. Howard said he doesn't like bringing that show up because he spoke with those guys years ago when they asked him to work with them on the show. Howard said he turned it down because he didn't need them to put a show like that on the air. They took it and put it on the air themselves and did it poorly. He said he didn't sue them over it though. He said his lawyers have told him not to talk about some of that stuff but he's not sure if it's the same company he had to sue over something else.
Howard said he finally got on that web site for the chick Victoria who called in earlier. He said the chick looked like Ozzy Osbourne with a blonde wig on.
Intern Cameron has been sending Howard more ''Would you rather...'' games. Here's the latest:
Howard said that they got some email about a story they mentioned in the news about a guy who didn't call 911 when his mother fell down stairs. The writer said that you can not be charged with a crime if you see your worst enemy drowning in a lake or something like that. Robin seems to think that it is a crime to do ignore something like that.
Other emailers wrote in about various other stuff like Jessica Simpson being stupid. One guy said he thinks she's faking it all for her TV show. Other people complained about Dannii Minogue being on the show. Some people wrote in about the Joe Rogan/Bill Hicks vs. Dennis Leary thing.
Howard played small bits of the tape and would goof on it for a short time. Everyone was having a lot of fun hearing the tape again after a long time. Gary couldn't stay in the room while they played the tape. He ran out as soon as it started so he wouldn't have to hear the whole thing and get goofed on again. A listener called in and told Howard he has to play this bit at least once a month because it doesn't get old. Howard said he's right and it really doesn't get old.
Howard said his favorite part is where Gary tells the camera what he wants from his girlfriend. He and Fred were doing their impressions of Gary during the playing of the tape. Howard thought that Gary got the girl back after sending the tape but John and Robin said that it was a while after the tape before she came back to him. Robin said she like the part in the tape where he talks about how his and his professional life is at a 9 but his personal life is only at a 3. He also talks about how he ''lost one lover and a best friend but gained a lover...'' and she ''lost a lover and lost a best friend...'' or some crap like that.
Gary called in from the back office and asked how much time had gone by. Howard told him it was like 20 minutes. Gary said that the clip is 12 minutes long and he didn't want to be in his office while they played it. He said the new interns there just sit around laughing at him when they hear this stuff for the first time. He wanted Howard to speed up the tape or something so he could go back to work.
Howard played the rest of the tape and continued to goof on Gary throughout the whole thing. Vinnie Favale called in and said that he called Gary and he's hiding in Anne Marie's office like Anne Frank. He said Howard has no idea what he's doing to Gary. Vinnie is going to be coming in next week with a similar tape that he made for his girlfriend years ago. Howard spent a minute with him and then got back to the tape. They picked apart every little thing about the tape that they could. Howard joked that they use this tape in their company's sexual harassment seminars. Howard forgot about some of the stuff Gary did like when he does the baby talk toward the end of it.
Gary came in when the tape was over. Howard wanted him to explain some of the stuff he talked about on the tape. Gary said it's all in the past and it doesn't matter anymore though. Howard took a couple of phone calls about the tape and guys were saying that they were ready to cut their nuts off because it was so gay. One guy asked Gary what happened to his brother since he was crying over a song the other day that reminded him of his brother. Gary and Howard said that the guy died if AIDS and that he was gay. The caller apologized and Howard sounded kind of bummed that he brought the show down talking about that.
A listener called in and said that he could get a girl off by rubbing her foot. He says that he has given women orgasms doing this and he can do it with his sister. Howard said he'd put him on hold and get his information.
Another caller asked Gary if he could bring in his anniversary cards so they could read the stuff he wrote to his wife. Gary wasn't going to do that though. Howard had to take a break shortly after that call.
Stuttering John asked Howard if he'd be willing to take 5 years off his life if he was guaranteed to have hair the rest of his life. Howard said he would give up those 5 years. He said it's like Hicks and/or Leary said, you don't want to live that last 5 years of your life anyway. He seems to think he might live to 95 and losing the last 5 wouldn't be that bad anyway.
Howard asked Stuttering John if he'd take 5 years off his life if he could look like Brad Pitt. John quickly said ''no'' to the question. Howard said he could pick up a ton of women if he looked like that guy.
KC said that someone asked him the other day if he'd have sex with a 16 year old if it wouldn't hurt her parents or her but no one would know about it. Howard said he wouldn't do it but KC said he'd do it if she looked 25.
Stuttering John threw out the idea that he would give up his pinkie finger if he could bang Britney Spears, Jessica Alba or Pamela Anderson. Howard asked him if he would really do it if he could arrange it. Howard said that he thinks Britney might be willing to do it. He asked John if he'd give up the pinkie to bang his girlfriend Beth. John said he probably wouldn't do that. Howard asked KC if he would lose a pinkie to get to bang Britney Spears. He said he would do it if he could have more than just 5 minutes with her. He said he'd need a few days to do that. Howard told KC he could probably get her without cutting off his pinkie because he's such a good looking guy. Howard said he's heard girls talk about him before and they love the way he looks.
Double A called in and said he'd give anything to bang Beth. Artie said if he had to haggle out a bang using body parts, he'd end up looking like Venus D'milo. Howard told Gary to contact Britney Spears' people and tell them what they have going on. He said she doesn't have to do anything with him, she just has to look at him and say whether or not she would do something with KC if that offer was thrown out there. KC said he'd do it and he'd take his shirt off to show her his six-pack abs. Howard said this might actually get Britney in the studio. Robin said she thinks he could get her without cutting off the finger and he doesn't have to go through cutting off a finger. Howard had Robin start her news a short time after that.
Howard started off with an ''F-You!'' to the boss this morning because it was a Friday. He said Friday's are big days for Morning Zoo radio shows. He and Artie goofed on the way they play all of the lame songs every Friday.
A phone caller brought up a scene in Jessica Simpson's MTV show and they had a boob shot they had to blur. He asked Howard if he could get that tape and remove the blur for everyone to see. Howard said he heard if you squint at the screen you can almost see the boob. He and the caller talked about how good Jessica looks but the caller thought her ass was a little big. The caller also brought up last night's episode of the E! show where KC freaks out in the studio.
Dominic Barbara called in to talk about the KC freak out episode as well. He said Howard's face was hilarious when he saw KC flipping out. Dominic said that Howard was so scared when he saw him going nuts. Howard said he was more scared when he was stuck on a boat with Dominic. He said he almost killed a guy with his boat when they went out. Dominic said he had his boat out yesterday in the dark at 5 in the morning. No deaths were reported.
Howard asked Dominic how much weight he's lost since getting his stomach surgery. Dominic yelled out ''Sixty four!'' Howard went on to talk about this Randy Jackson who also had stomach surgery. He said that guy looks like he's lost a lot of weight and looks like half the man he used to be. Howard said Dominic doesn't look all that different. Howard described his loss of 64 pounds like killing a fly on the wall of a mansion and then trying to find that fly. Robin said she can't wait to see what Dominic looks like but Howard warned her that he won't look all that different to her.
A caller asked Howard if he ever got into fights with his pal Mel Karmazin about work and stuff. Howard said they did fight in the past about a few things but it was never ''I hate you'' type of fights. It was usually over the radio show or over his salary in the early days. Howard said he had a meeting with Mel yesterday. He said he doesn't see him that much these days so it was nice to see him. He said he was really happy to see the guy and loves working for him but everyone comes in and kisses his ass. Howard said he heard that Mel was late for his meeting because he ended up getting caught in the hall talking to Fred. Fred said Mel was the one who stopped him after Howard told him to keep the discussions short. Howard said Mel was asking him about what he wants to do in the future. He said he asked him if he could keep him around the company and have him sign another contract. Robin said she had that meeting as well and he told her that it's about time to start talking to Howard about that. Howard said that he can't imagine not being on the radio but he's also wondering what it would be like to get out of the business. He said he's in no condition to talk about that stuff at this point though. He said the only thing he can say is that he's happy he was fired from WNBC and started working for Mel.
Howard took a call from a woman who wasn't responding to him fast enough so he ended up goofing on her about how dumb she is. He asked her where she was going to school and found out she's in community college. He goofed on her about that until she cursed. Howard called her a slut and asked her what she wanted. She asked him to play a song so Howard hung up on her. He doesn't play requests. He continued to call her a dummy for a little while after the call.
A caller said he was pissed that NBC made ''Friends'' 46 minutes long but it was just extra commercials. Howard wondered what they're doing over there. They're trying to steal some of the ''Survivor'' ratings but it's kind of lame. Howard said that the whole Rachel and Joey thing is creepy and so is the black chick being into Ross. At one point Howard suggested that they kill Lisa Kudrow, not just her character, but Lisa herself, because they could get some great ratings if they did that. He said that everyone is looking a little long in the tooth on ''Friends'' and they should call it ''Old Friends.'' Howard talked about how white that show is and how unbelievable the black paleontologist character is on the show. He goofed on Matt Leblanc a bit as well since he's getting a spin off show of his own next year. Howard said he's acting like De Niro when he's interviewed about the spin off show. He said the rest of the cast will go on to do some lame movies and they'll all flop. Then they'll try to get their own spin off shows and they'll all fail. He said Courtney Cox will probably have a show called ''Cox'' that everyone will make guest appearances on. Then he started goofing around with the ''Cox'' name saying ''Tonight, an extra long Cox.'' and some other Cox references. He had to take a break shortly after that.
Howard said he had to wait for the meeting with Mel to start and everyone was slowing down the process. He said Tom did the whole Italy discussion with Mel as well and all Howard wanted to do was start his meeting. Tom called in during this discussion and said that Howard has no reason to bring this stuff up like this. Howard pointed out that Tom is going on this trip to Italy when things at the station aren't running so smooth. Howard said that Mel was there to have a meeting with him, not Tom but Tom was just waiting for Mel to show up there and grabbed him as soon as he could. Howard said he was just glad Tom didn't bring in his slides from his Montana trip. Robin continued to goof on Tom about the boring meeting he had with her. Howard said Tom doesn't miss a chance to kiss Mel's ass. He said he was asking Tom about taking a vacation when things around the station aren't going so well but Mel won't say anything bad about him to his face. Howard said he was trying to move another General Manager in to that station but it seems that he's stuck with Tom for now. He said that Mel likes Tom for some reason and he's not moving him out of there. Tom told Howard and Robin about where he's going when he goes to Italy. Howard said he was telling him this stuff yesterday and he didn't even know what he was talking about. Tom is taking his father with him when he goes back to Italy so they can visit the place where he was born. Howard said Tom is all excited about this stuff but no one else cares about it. He said Mel seems to care when he's talking about that stuff but Howard can't seem to understand why that is.
Howard and Tom were arguing about whose idea it was to put a picture of Mel in Tom's office. Howard said someone else at the station, Ed Moyer, used to have a picture of Mel in his office and Tom stole the idea from him. Tom said he was just keeping the tradition alive. Howard said that Tom would probably give Mel oral if he asked him to because he's such a kiss ass. Tom said he would never do something like that though. Tom was pulling in the garage at this point so he tried to get off the phone. Robin continued to goof on him about the Italy maps he was showing her yesterday. She said that he was showing her all kinds of stuff on these maps. He kept pulling up one map after the other and she wasn't interested. He claims that there's a town with the same name as his last name. Howard eventually let Tom off the phone but continued to goof on the guy. They were doing their robotic Tom voice for a little while after he got off the phone. They brought up how big of a fan Tom was of The Greaseman when he was on their station.
Captain Janks called in with a new prank call he made. He quickly played the short call where he said that Tom Chiusano sucks. Janks said Tom reminds him of Smithers on ''The Simpsons'' because he has a picture of his boss in his office. Howard had to take another break right after that.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com)called in and told Howard that he hasn't been paid by Trim Spa for being mentioned in their commercials. Howard mentioned him in his commercial during the break. Howard told him that was really interesting stuff after Chaunce explained what happened. He then hung up on him.
Howard got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the line so they could play the Gossip Game. Howard and Mike spent a short time talking about Kathie Lee Gifford and Kelly Ripa for a short time. Howard said Kelly is doing what Kathie Lee always wanted to do and she's doing it effortlessly. She has the Regis show, she's got commercial endorsements and her own sitcom. Mike and Howard talked about Kelly Ripa and her husband and how Howard would love to bang Kelly. Mike said that they're holding a poll to find out if people want to see Kathie Lee return to Regis' show. Howard said he doesn't want that to happen but he'd love to see a show with Kathie Lee and Jackie Martling together. He also said he'd like to see a poll to find out who wants to see Kathie Lee on the Howard Stern show. He said he'd love to put her in the tickle chair.
Howard asked Mike if they've been laying off of Kathie Lee's kids Cody and Cassidy because they're not in the public eye these days. Mike said it's more of an ''out of sight, out of mind'' thing. No one sees or hears about them anymore so they don't do any stories on them.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people talk about Kathie Lee and Kelly Ripa. Howard also asked Mike if Nicole Kidman is really going out with Lenny Kravitz. Mike said ''yes'' they are dating.
Howard moved on to Mike's game so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard said he was looking at the playboy magazine with Daryl Hannah on the cover. He said she looked pretty good and shows her bobs. He said her body is good even though her boobs aren't that big. He said Stuttering John told him he'd bang Yoko Ono after seeing her cutting off her clothes in the name of peace. Howard said he wouldn't bang her but she doesn't look all that bad. He said she's 70 years old and doesn't look all that bad for her age. Howard mentioned a few other stories that were mentioned in the tabloids. He said a lot of the interviews they do end up in the tabloids and they don't get a lot of credit for the stories. Howard talked about wrestler ''The Rock'' and how he's taking over as the big action star these days. His new movie is getting good reviews.
Robin told Howard she didn't even know Friends was on last night so she forgot to watch it. Howard said that TiVo has a cool feature on NBC. He said they show a commercial for a show during ''Friends'' and if you hit a button, the TiVo will automatically record the other show when it's on. Robin said they should have that feature more often. Howard went on to talk about how strange ''Friends'' has gotten lately.
Artie said he tried to watch the show ''Coupling'' last night but it was horrible. He said they told a bunch of lame jokes about sex and it was a really bad show. Howard talked about how NBC will have to kill off Lisa Kudrow to get the ratings up this season. He talked about that earlier in the show so he ended up repeating most of that conversation.
Howard said that Hollywood Squares is cashing in on John Ritter's death by playing all shows that he was on in the past. He said the body isn't even cold yet and they're doing all of this stuff. Howard suggested stuffing John Ritter and have Suzanne Somers drag him around to all of the talk shows she's doing now.
Howard and the guys talked about Hilary Clinton and whether or not she'll run for President. Howard ended up talking about who he'd rather bang, Hilary or Nancy Reagan. Howard said he'd do Hilary before Nancy. He said Nancy would be like banging a bag of golf clubs. Howard had to take a break before getting to the latest ''Evaluators'' segment. He said that they had to break up a fight between Yucko and John the Stutterer and they hadn't even made it in the studio yet.
Howard said a lot of people are signing up to get on his production company's new show ''Etiquette for Outlaws'' but they don't know how to spell ''etiquette.'' He had to spell it out for people so they can go to the web site EtiquetteForOutlaws.com.
Scott said they didn't find anything wrong with him after this procedure done. He said he had to have it done because they found a tiny bit of blood in his urine. After the procedure, the doctor told him not to worry about it. Yucko the Clown, King of all Blacks and John the Stutterer were all in the studio so they got in on the conversation a little bit. Tom Chiusano came in as well and told Howard about his kidney stone and how horrible that was. He said they had to put a stint in his penis so the stone could pass. He said he could actually feel the stint move while it was in there and he started to pass blood. He went back to the doctor who had to inject novocaine into his penis. Then he had to clamp him and then had to put another tube in to get the stint out. Howard wondered why he didn't put him under for this. Tom said it wasn't required but it was unbelievable pain when the stint was pulled out.
King of All Blacks asked what it was like to masturbate after these procedures. Tom doesn't do that anymore and Scott said he was afraid to try it for a few days because he didn't know what it was going to be like. Tom and Howard talked about the colonoscopy thing a little bit as well. Tom said it's really not that bad. Howard eventually got tired of talking about all of that stuff. Stuttering John came in and said that a 45 year old friend of his just died from rectal cancer. He told Howard that he really should have the colonoscopy done.
Howard had a new prank call that Jim Florentine (JimFlorentine.com) did for the Crank Yankers show on Comedy Central. Jim calls as his alter ego Bobby Fletcher looking for a dog at a pet adoption agency. He asks the chick what kind of dog he can get that will get some hot chicks attention. He tells them that he'd like to borrow the dog for a few weeks and then he'd like to bring it back. He mentions fat chicks at one point and the woman on the phone tells him she's offended by that because she's a fat chick. She puts him on with another person and Jim asks her how fat the other chick was which leads to her hanging up on him.
Robin interrupted the fight to give them the news that singer Robert Palmer had just died of a heart attack at age 54. Howard didn't think that was more important than the argument that Yucko and John were in. He did play some of Palmer's music though. Howard said he wasn't a big fan of his music. Howard said the guy was in pretty good shape and wasn't fat and out of shape like King of all Blacks. Howard did some intros for Palmer's songs as if he was a DJ at WNBC back in the days when those songs were hits. Howard said that he thinks that Imus used to use Palmer's ''Addicted to Love'' as his theme song for a while. Howard whipped through a bunch of Palmer's music. Gary came in to help out with the discussion but Yucko yelled out ''WHO GIVES A CRAP!?'' John the Stutterer got pissed at him and started to yell at him again. Howard told him to wait until they were done with the music tribute to Robert Palmer. King of all Blacks was dancing to some of the music but Howard said he danced like a girl. Yucko also told him he has nice boobs. Gary was suggesting some songs for Howard to play that were hits for Palmer.
Howard got back to the Evaluators and let John and Yucko go at each other some more. John was yelling about Yucko being a wise guy and how he always ridicules him. Yucko told him that he goofs around with everyone. He told him that his shoes look like something from ''Queer eye, eye, eye for the straight guy, guy, guy.'' John the Stutterer said that Yucko is a child molesting scumbag and some other stuff like that but Yucko denies that he's a child molester. John kept telling him ''shut up child molester'' over and over again. Howard told John that he can't call someone a child molester if he doesn't know for a fact that he is one. Howard told him they do that as a joke.
Howard moved on and told the guys that he wanted them to evaluate some women for him. Yucko and John just wouldn't stop arguing with each other though. Yucko said John threw a bottle at him but John said Yucko was the one who did it to him. Howard gave Yucko a couple of plugs for some gigs he's appearing at. You can find out more info at DamnShow.com. Howard asked King and John the Stutterer if they had any plugs. John said ''no'' at first and then started to go off on Yucko.
The first girl to come in was Leah. She claims to be a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. She claims that she's a mix of Uma Thurman and Jodi Foster. Howard read a bunch of other stuff from her bio. She's 27 and has done a lot of drugs in her past but she's now a school teacher in Pennsylvania. Howard had her come in and said she was very attractive for a school teacher. He wasn't sure if she was Playboy material though. Leah said that she was a stripper in college so that she could put herself through school. Howard noticed that she had some camel toe showing through her shorts. She was also wearing a bra top according to Howard. Leah said she had a tough childhood and did some drugs but she has straightened out her life. Howard had her take her top off shortly after that and was very impressed with her breasts. She claims that they are real but Howard wasn't sure if they were or not. After jumping up and down a little bit Howard said they must be real. Yucko said that the boobs have to be watched because ''they may go to sag harbor'' some day. He said that she needs some eyebrows because she has very thin ones. She said she's 5'4'' tall and weighs 108 pounds which was about right according to Howard. Yucko and King said that she might be okay for Playboy. King noticed that she had some blotchy stuff on her legs. She said that it might be scars from a motorcycle accident but they can be airbrushed out. John the Stutterer stuttered up a storm when he said that she's hot and might be good for Hustler. Howard said her body is a 9 but he wasn't sure about the face.
Howard spent a little bit of time talking to Leah about her lesbian experience. She said she had a girl do stuff to her in a limo one time with a client. She said the guy wanted her and another stripper to just have some fun together in the limo. She said she got off that one time but that was about it. She said she's kissed some girls but hasn't gone that far again.
Artie said he doesn't believe her breasts are real without touching them. She said that wasn't going to happen but she did bend over and show them how real they look. Howard gave her a $500 prize courtesy of ''The Osbournes - The Second Season DVD.''
Next up was Savanna. She came in a short time later. Howard read a few stats from her bio and said that she once pleasured herself in the school bathroom. She lost her virginity at 17 to a 27 year old. She said he picked her up at a red light and eventually lost it to him. She has tried anal with her boyfriend. She also says that she doesn't trust Mexicans because she's got some stuff missing from her yard. She doesn't know that they stole it but she said she has to blame someone. She's only 20 and she's a nurse.
Howard had Savanna take off her top for the guys. She said she's been naked in front of friends before so Howard asked her about that. Howard said that her boobs weren't big but they were nice. Her mini-skirt came off next. She had some nice legs according to the guys. Howard said her ass was pretty good. She said she's 5'6'' tall and weighs between 110 and 120 pounds.
King of all Blacks told her that her face was ''too innocent'' for Playboy. Yucko seemed to think they'd pose her in a bikini on a bale of hay and call her a home girl or something like that. Howard asked her how she gets naked in front of her friends. She said she showed them the nude pictures she sent to the show and stuff like that. She also said that her boyfriend once beat a guy up just for looking at her. She said that some of the friends get naked as well. She said they're pretty hot as well.
Artie said that he thought she was an 8 but the fact that she doesn't trust Mexicans makes her a 10. King said he thinks that she can be in Playboy. Yucko said she needs a boob job and John the Stutterer said that she is ''so close'' but with breast implants it would be better. Howard said she was very pretty and had a kick ass body. He said she'd be better for Perfect 10 than Playboy. He said that's a good thing, not a put down.
Howard said he had more money to give away to the girls so he asked the girls if they would make out with each other while they're topless. Gary came in while Howard was negotiating with the girls and kind of blew it when he gave Howard another $500 before he'd even negotiated the deal. Savanna told the guys that she messed around with a female cousin when she was only 12 years old. She told Howard the story quickly so Howard spent a short time with her on that. The girls eventually agreed to kiss each other after Howard offered up the extra money. They said they'd do it for Howard. John the Stutterer said for that kind of money they should show some ''vag.'' Howard told him to consider himself lucky as it was. The girls kissed a short time later and Howard said it was really hot. He said they should make a video together. The girls had a little fun with the kiss and one of the girls said she'd like to get the other's number.
Howard thanked the girls for coming in and started to wrap up the segment. John the Stutterer wanted to stick around during the news but Howard told him to just calm down. He gook some calls after that. Some guys were calling in to say how great it was. Howard said the girls really should make a video together because it was really hot. Howard said he wants to put these two on his upcoming uncensored video that's coming out soon because they're so hot. Savanna said that she just turned 20 on Monday. A listener called in and said that she's actually a stripper in Baltimore but she denied that it was her. She said there's another Savanna at The Gold Club and it's not her. Savanna said that she's got patients she takes care of in their homes. Howard ended up asking her about cleaning up her patients who mess themselves. She said she'd pay to have her in his house just to wipe him. He asked her if he could pay her $150 to come over and do that for him. She said it was too far of a drive for her. More callers were telling Howard how great the girls were on the show. KC said that they smelled great so the girls told Howard what they were wearing. One was wearing BCBG Girl Sexy or something like that and the other was Celine Dion perfume.
Howard was asking one of the girls about picking up other women. King of all Blacks wanted to smell one of the girl's shoes. She let him do it but KC and Howard told him it was creepy. Savanna went over to him and let King smell her feet. He was getting kind of strange and said that her feet didn't stink. He said he wanted them to stink but they didn't. Howard congratulated the girls on the money they won and then went to commercial break.
Howard moved on to Daniel Carver from the KKK. Carver was on the line so Howard said he was doing pretty good with 2 wins and 1 loss. Robin asked how he did after Howard announced it so Carver pointed out how dumb she is. Robin said she was reading and couldn't hang on every word of his. Howard said Daniel's DNA test hasn't come back yet. They're testing to see if he has any black in him. Daniel said that he will drop out of the KKK if he finds out he's got any black in him at all. He said he might even hang himself if he finds out something like that. Daniel went off on his racist speeches again while he was talking to Howard. He was telling Howard about how the blacks are killing other blacks down in Atlanta. He also said that the Mexicans kill people but they kill the closest people to them and that's what upsets him. Daniel said that he doesn't own any guns living out in the woods of Georgia. He said his wife owns some guns but he's not allowed to because he's a convicted felon. He said he was convicted of threatening to shoot some guy and was put on probation after that. Daniel rambled on and on about some other racist stuff before giving his football pick for the week. He eventually told Howard he was taking the Atlanta Falcons again this week. Howard said he heard that Daniel is a pilot so he asked about that. Daniel said he flies a powered glider on weekends but that's it.
Artie made his pick for the week. He took the Kansas City Chiefs. Sanders the Chicken also made his pick. His owner, Will, said that he picked the Buffalo Bills. Howard said that the lines on all of these games are directly from BetOnSports.com so anyone can bet the same way if they want to. He had to take a break after getting all of the picks. Here's the wrap up of this weeks picks:
Howard told John that he's like a terrorist in the way he thinks. He attacked an innocent person to get to another person and he refuses to apologize for it. John was starting to stutter up a storm again during this discussion. Howard told him he doesn't agree with what John did and he was coming off bad. KC came in a short time later and said the E! guys have tape of John yelling at Yucko's girlfriend. Howard played the tape and John called her an ''ugly, whore, slut...'' John said that he starts with him every time he sees him and he doesn't like it. John said every fan he knows doesn't like Yucko anyway. John eventually apologized for what he did and said he really was sorry. Howard said it would have been better for him to have banged Yucko's girlfriend. That would have pissed Yucko off even more.
John the Stutterer said that the girl he was dating broke up with him after a month. He said that she thought she could get into a drug treatment program through the show but when they didn't call her back, she broke it off with him. Howard said at least he got to bang the chick for a month though. Howard had Robin start her news after that.