Howard and the guys were back from their week long holiday vacation this morning. Howard started off saying that Fred was very lively this morning as he yelled at him to get on the air. Howard said he'd be tongue kissing Gary and Fred as his opening act this morning. He was referring to the Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera kiss on the MTV Video Music Awards. He said he didn't see the awards since he was out to dinner with his kids. Artie said he saw it and it was hot. He explained to Howard how Madonna's daughter was also in the segment on the show as the flower girl. Howard said that's a weird message to be sending to her daughter. Artie seemed to think that she just did it to get mentioned in the papers. He also said that the awards are the same thing every year now with the same people being there. Howard said he didn't go but he could have gone in if he wanted. He said if he knew they were going to do something like that he would have done the next act and made out with Eminem or something like that. He and Artie spent a little time goofing around with that idea before going to commercial break.
Howard tried to take a phone call from High Pitch Erik but he wasn't able to get him to respond. He quickly moved on to another call from a guy who told Howard that he was the innovator when it comes to having lesbian kisses on stage and stuff like that. Howard spent a minute on that and then said this guy, Six, who walks up on stage at these award shows and talks about BB King, was on at the MTV awards. He played the clip from that and said it's funny how the guy just walks up with people like Snoop Dogg and Adam Sandler and no one bothers to stop him.
High Pitch Erik called back and told Howard how much he missed him while he was on vacation. He brought up the death of Charles Bronson and said he loved him as much as he loves Howard. Erik said he loved Bronson in some wild, wild west movie. Howard ended up hanging up on him. He went on to talk about Bronson for a short time and gave his life story as he knew it. He gave his background and talked about how good his movies did overseas before he made it here in the ''Death Wish'' movies. He spent a little while on that and then pointed out how Entertainment Tonight screwed up over the weekend and wished James Coburn a happy 75th birthday even though he's already passed away. He played an audio clip of that and got some laughs out of it.
Howard said that the MTV awards show seemed to be targeted at the black artists. He mentioned Missy Misdemeanor Elliot and how she was a big buzz kill after the Madonna thing. He said that she's really ugly. Howard watched the kiss during the break and it wasn't all that hot. He said it would be funny if they showed Britney Spears with a big cold sore after kissing Madonna.
Howard said he went to see David Spade's new movie over their vacation. He said they'd be talking to David tomorrow about that. He said a bunch of them went to see the movie after going out to dinner at Mercer Kitchen. Howard said Artie really gets loaded when he goes out to eat like that. He said that Artie is a happy drunk though so he's got a smile on his face after having a few Jack and waters. Gary said Artie missed out on meeting Little Steven of the E Street Band when they went to see Bruce Springsteen one night because he had to run and get a drink at the bar.
Howard said he was out somewhere and ran into the hot chick that was in with Cindy Margolis a few years ago and told her that they'd been looking for her for a long time to have her back in. Howard said he didn't get her number though. He said he was out with Beth and didn't want to try and get some chick's number. He said she told him she'd be calling in though.
Howard mentioned how funny Chris Rock is when he does comedy but he tried to watch ''Head of State'' the other night and it just wasn't funny. Howard said he'd love to put Chris in a movie but he'd have to write it for him. Artie said he saw Chris Rock testing out his material at a comedy club the night before the MTV awards and he really is a great comedian. Howard said movies are like Chris' Kryptonite.
Artie said he saw the new movie ''American Splendor'' over vacation and it's great. Howard had also seen it and agreed that it was a great movie. Robin said she caught up with some of the MTV ''Punk'd'' shows. Howard said he refuses to watch that show though because it's just candid camera. Robin told Howard about some of the bits they did in the show and how lame they came off. She also said she watched Snoop Dogg's show ''Doggy Fizzle TV'' and Beetlejuice was on playing the part of ''Doggy Juice.'' She said she was enjoying that part of the show but it sounds like she wasn't too impressed with the rest of the show.
Howard said he went to P. Diddy's ''white party'' out in the Hamptons over vacation. He said all of these parties sound great on paper but when you go, you want to kill yourself. He said he got hammered while he was there. He told the guys how he got the invitation and had to go to a club where they shuttle people in on a bus. He said he didn't have to take the shuttle bus though. He was driven there in a Maybach. He said the car was really nice. He went on to say that when you go to the party you're supposed to wear all white. He said he has all white pants and shirt so that's what he wore. He said he heard that people have been kicked out when they don't wear all white though. He went on to talk about how there was a lot of attitude in the parking lot of the place where they were shuttling people from. He said it was like being in high school again. Beth went along with him and he said that she was wearing this tiny little dress. He was wearing a white Sean John tank top with white parachute pants. They went on the ride to P. Diddy's house and it was pretty well organized. There were photographers (Wireimage.com) there at the party. He said he didn't want to really have his picture taken but he let them do it anyway. Then they go into the compound and there are chicks wearing white wings passing out champagne. The house is closed off to most of the guests so everyone goes in the back to the party area. Howard said there were a bunch of models being bussed in but they all gave him attitude. He said he said hello to them but got no response. Then he went to the pool area and there were women sitting in the pool topless just posing in white wings. Howard said he later found out that the girls get paid $350 for the say to do that. He said it would be great to hire some of them just to hang out in your apartment for the day. He said that there wasn't a lot of friendly people there at the party. There was tons of booze there though. Howard said he asked where P. Diddy was at one point and he was told that he was out running. Howard wondered why he was there after hearing that. He said his lawyer told him that P. Diddy would make an appearance around 7pm and everyone would get to see him. He decided to just hang around for a while to eat but there was no food. He ended up taking a whole tray of cucumber snacks they were passing around. He hung around and had a bunch of drinks as well. Robin said it sounds like Howard has a drinking problem. He said he doesn't have a problem because he wasn't drinking right then.
Howard said Lorraine Bracco and Denise Rich showed up at the party and hung out with him for a while. He said there was also some white guy that was in the news was also there. He said he couldn't remember the guy's name though. He said he saw Russell Simmons at one point during the night. He also got to see P. Diddy late in the night and when the photographers started snapping he told them to stop. He was getting pissed at the photographers that he hired. Howard said he also met P. Diddy's girlfriend Kim who was very nice.
Howard said he invented a new game over vacation that he was calling it ''Jenna Duan'' which is a game about the most obscure name you shouldn't know but you do. Jenna Duan was Justin Timberlake's dancer friend or something like that and it was the name that Beth came up with when he asked her to come up with a name for the game. He and Robin spent a few minutes going over some of the names that Howard came up with. Robin and Artie also threw in a couple of names that they know that they really shouldn't. Howard said his big one is Danny Keyoe. He said he shouldn't know that name but he does. Here are some of those names:
Howard got back to the P. Diddy party for a short time and said that he ran into Kelly Osbourne at the party. He said she's now wearing Kabuke makeup for some reason. He said they eventually left and later heard that the party was even better when they left. Howard said he doesn't believe that though. He ended up leaving with Lorraine Bracco when they went back to their cars. He wrapped up that story and took a break shortly after that.
KC came in and said there's an Eminem look alike who just wants to meet Howard. He said the guy is willing to let them throw tomatoes at him or even spit on him. Howard asked Artie if he'd be willing to spit on the guy. Artie said he didn't think he could do that though. Howard told KC to have the guy call in so they could ask him about doing other wacky stuff to him. Howard wanted to kick the guy.
While KC was getting the Eminem look alike on the phone, Howard took a call from a guy who calls himself Eggs. He was too strange to keep on the line though so Howard quickly moved on. Howard took the call from the green room and the wacky guys who were willing to have stuff thrown at them. The guy kept saying ''dude'' over and over again as he spoke to Howard. He said that he's the ''white Bill Belamy'' and will be the next MTV host. Howard said he'd discuss it with the guys in the studio. He got off the line and said it would be pretty funny to throw tomatoes at them. KC said they didn't have any there so he'd have to run out and get some.
Howard and Robin spent a short time talking about Britney Spears before the wacky guys came in. Howard said he sure is captivated by boobs and spends a lot of time thinking about them. Robin wasn't sure what Howard finds so attractive about Britney Spears. She said there's a lot of giggle there when she's moving around. Howard said he's not a big fan of her lower half.
Howard and the guys were talking about the tomato throwing and how much it must hurt. Gary said he got hit by a tomato one time when he was introducing Howard at an event and it really hurt. They quickly changed subjects again and brought up some more obscure names for that game they were playing earlier. They only had a couple that they threw in before getting to some other stuff.
Howard said it's ridiculous that the CIA and FBI can't find this Osama bin Laden guy. He said they're really good at spying on our own people but Osama just had a meeting back in Afghanistan. Howard said that guy should be dead by now.
Howard brought up a story about McDonalds he read. He said that McDonalds hasn't been advertising on his show and now they may have to change their advertising campaign because they're doing so poorly. Howard said he loves that they're just wasting advertising dollars and not advertising on his show. He said now they need their money to work for them and they'll eventually have to advertise on his show.
Howard took a call from Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) who said he was back stage at the MTV awards. He said the most beautiful woman there was Jessica Simpson. Howard said she really is hot but she's also really dumb. He played a clip of her from her MTV show where she tells her husband about her $750 worth of bras and panties. She didn't bother to look at the price tags. Chaunce said he asked her about the clip that Howard played of her not knowing ''Chicken of the Sea'' was actually tuna. He said she told him that she really thought that it was chicken. Howard and Chaunce talked about some of the other people that were there at the MTV VMAs. Chaunce said that the Olson Twins look really odd. He said their bodies aren't growing but their heads are and it looks kind of strange. That led to Howard bringing up the Jerry Lewis telethon. Robin said they hid Jerry during the telethon and just used old images of him during the telethon. Howard played a clip of Don Rickles goofing on Ed McMahon and Jerry Lewis a little bit. Howard played a clip of Jerry and Don talking to each other and almost being in tears as they spoke.
Howard asked Kathy what she thought of the Madonna/Britney Spears kiss. She said she thought it was very sensual. She changed subjects quickly after that and told Howard he missed out on her latest party. She threw a beer bash and had some of the guys from ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' there. She told Howard about that for a short time. She also talked about how she did Hollywood Squares a while back after fighting with Stephen Baldwin. She said Alec Baldwin was the center square on the show the week she was on. She said they were all lined up before the show and Alec made a beeline toward her. She said he pulled her close to him and told her he thinks she's hilarious. She said he was probably just making a preemptive strike so that she wouldn't go off on his family.
Howard had KC bring in the tomatoes for these guys who wanted to meet him. Howard said KC got big, hard tomatoes instead of the cherry tomatoes he asked him to get. Howard told him to go back out and get tomatoes but changed his mind and just made up some rules for the tomato toss. He told everyone they were going to get three tomatoes. He figured Artie would probably win. He wanted to put some money down on the game but Kathy didn't want to throw any in. That led to Howard talking to her about the money she made working on the network TV shows she's been on. She said the best she ever did was about $36,500 per episode. She said she makes some good money doing commercials as well. Gary came in and told Howard she also does these ''media tours'' for some products and gets a lot of money to do those. Howard interrupted that to ask KC to go microwave the tomatoes so they'd soften up a bit.
Kathy told Howard about how Heinz ketchup has a new bottle cap so they ask her to work that into her conversation while she's doing an interview. She told Howard how she does that and how much money she can get for doing stuff like that. She said she can make like $150,000 doing something like that. She told Howard how she can work in Vaseline Intensive Care while talking to someone. She said she doesn't usually do Letterman or Leno when she does the media tours. She also told Howard about doing a tour with Jeff Probst and how she wanted to get everything better than he could get. She said he wasn't doing any of that stuff and didn't want to get limos or anything like that. She also said he's getting all kinds of hot chicks. While she was talking about all of this stuff she was mentioning a couple of places like the Mirage casino and California Pizza Kitchen so Howard and the guys were wondering if she was plugging them for money or if she was just mentioning them.
Kathy told Howard that there are probably a lot of celebrities out there doing promotion like that where they work that stuff into their interviews. She used John Travolta as an example and said he probably got hooked up big time from Quantas when he was a pilot for a day. She said she was going to research that and find out how much he got paid to do that. Gary came in and said there's a company out there looking to get a big celebrity to do 8 media appearances and they get an electronics make over worth $250,000.
Howard took a call from a woman who brought up how Kathy has had some more plastic surgery done lately. She had a brow lift and hair straightening done. She told Howard how she had that done and got all new teeth. She showed Howard and he thought they looked pretty good. She said she got it all done for free as well. She said she watches ''Extreme Makeover'' and decided to ask them to cover her make over. The doctors were just about begging to do everything for free. The dental work was worth about $30,000 alone. She had a few other things done like the brow lift and a little bit of liposuction under her arm.
Before going to break Howard brought in the two nuts who wanted to have tomatoes thrown at their asses.
Kathy Griffin was first up. She threw her three tomatoes and hit them one time. Artie was next up and threw his tomatoes. He hit the guys two times. Howard went up and tossed his tomatoes next. He only got one hit as well. Robin came in and tossed her tomatoes next. She only got one hit. Fred was last and managed to get one hit. Everyone threw in a hundred bucks and Artie won the game so he's a couple hundred dollars up today.
The dude guy gave a couple of shout outs to his family. The other guy did the same before Howard got them out of the studio. Howard wrapped up that segment and was going to end the Kathy Griffin thing but he had Nick on the phone. Nick was a former intern there on Howard's show. He went to work for Kathy for a while but she had to fire him. She said that he wasn't that good at his job so she had to let him go. Nick said that her schedule is insane and he wasn't able to keep up. Kathy said that he was leaving something out though. He spends hours a day on Friendster.com. He said he knows the job just wasn't for him and he shouldn't have taken it. Nick also complained that he was only making about $500 a week doing all of this work for her. He went on to tell Howard that he got to see her boobs and she didn't even know it. He said she came down one morning and wasn't wearing a bra. She bent over to feed the dog and he got a glimpse of her left boob. He said it looked pretty good too. Howard had to wrap up the segment because he hadn't taken a break in an hour or so. You can catch Kathy at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood every Wednesday this month. She's also appearing at Park West in Chicago.
Howard said he went to a charity event over the weekend and there was some lady from the NY Times chasing him around the whole time. He told her that he didn't want to do an interview with her but she followed him around and listened to his conversations. He read the paper this morning and she wrote something up about something he'd done while he was at the bar at this event. He also read another story where they talk about how he walked out of the party because he wasn't getting enough attention. Howard said that guy couldn't know why he left the party unless he'd asked him... and he never asked him. Howard went off on the author of that article, Roger Friedman, for a short time as well. He said he's getting tired of going to these events and having incorrect stuff written about him. Robin said she was surprised that he was going to all of these parties and events lately. Now that all of these articles have been written, he'll probably stop going out.
Howard said he used to love the NY Times until this lame gossip column came out. He said the paper used to be amazing until they added the gossip column.
A listener called in and asked Howard what kind of guns he has. Howard said he has all types of guns. He said he has a .38 a .32 and some rifles. He said he's fired an Uzi as well. He and the caller talked about how much they like guns for a couple of minutes.
Howard said he had tape of Warren Zevon's cover of ''Knockin' On Heaven's Door.'' Howard said Zevon should have been dead by now after being diagnosed with cancer about a year ago. He's been hanging around though and put out this new album of depressing songs (''The Wind''). He played some other short clips from the new album. The guys talked about how sad it is to hear those songs coming from a guy who's dying. Howard listened to one track that was really depressing called ''Keep Me in Your Heart.'' KC said they should ask Scott the Engineer what he thinks of the album since he's a smoker. Howard said he doesn't think about that stuff and probably smokes along to the album. Howard said it's too bad Zevon is dying because he's a real talent.
Howard had tape of some religious nuts down south yelling about a statue that was taken out of a court room. The statue had the ten commandments on it and it had to be taken out because there's supposed to be a separation of church and state. This one guy who was protesting the removal of the statue was screaming at the top of his lungs for them to ''PUT IT BAAAACK!'' over and over again.
Howard brought up how the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn't allowed to do his show made the news. He was going to have him on but the lawyers for his company said he couldn't do it because he'd have to give the other 130 people running for governor equal time. He said that some news program had Arnold on but they do't have to give equal time because it's considered a ''news program.'' There's also some controversy about an interview Arnold did for Oui magazine back in the 70's where he said he gang banged some black chick or something like that. Robin said that he's kind of back tracking on that story now. Howard said most politicians have probably gang banged black chicks and smoked pot so he doesn't see what the big deal is. Robin wondered how Arnold gang banged one chick. Howard told her there were probably a bunch of guys who banged the chick. She sounded pretty surprised about that when Howard told her he'd probably done the chick with a bunch of guys.
Howard mentioned some of the people who have come out against Arnold Schwarzenegger like Cybil Shepherd. She apparently said that Arnold is a hypocrite and a lot of stuff is going to come out from his past. Howard pointed out that she has a past as well and goofed on her for a short time.
Howard brought up the MTV VMAs again and mentioned a couple of the things that he heard about. He said that Beyonce is getting pretty big and will end up like Aretha Franklin in a few years. He also said that Pamela Anderson's boobs are way too big these days. He said she's still hot though. He said Jessica Simpson has the look of stupidity in her eyes even though she's so hot. He mentioned that Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro were there and he predicts that their marriage will last as long as the TV show ''Are You Hot?'' He had to take a break a short time after that.
Howard played Chris Rock's monolog from the MTV Video Music Awards. He played some of that and got a few laughs. He interrupted that to talk about how Star Jones has decided to get her stomach stapled even after she talked about how she'd never get that done because everyone should be proud of their bodies no matter what they look like. Robin said Star had to get that done because she'd explode if she didn't. Howard got back to the Chris Rock audio clip after that.
Captain Janks made a couple of new prank calls so Howard played those. Janks called a news program and asked a female guest if she'd blow Howard Stern. She and the male host said that's not the kind of call they answer so she never said ''no'' to it. In another call Janks calls a news program and just says ''Howard Stern's balls!'' in his female voice. The hosts basically say that some people find that stuff funny but they don't. Of course they hang up on him before he can say any more than that.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking about Charles Bronson and how he'll miss the guy. Robin said he hasn't missed Bronson in the past 10 years though.
Howard brought up David Blane and the latest trick he's planning. He wants to hang upside down in a box from a bridge over in England. Howard said the real stunt he should be doing is banging a fat chick. He said Blaine has probably never done that before. The guys spent a little more time talking about various other things before Robin started her news.
Howard said that someone was saying that getting up before the sun rises is good for you. He wouldn't say exactly who that was though. He also said that he brought his dog Bianca in this morning. He said that he's been fighting for attention from his dog with Beth because she's with her all the time. He said he had to start giving the dog people food so she'd pay attention to her. Artie said that gets him to pay attention to people as well. His mother gives him ''people food'' and it keeps him coming back.
Howard said he watched the Jerry Lewis telethon in fast forward to catch up on all of that. He spent a short time goofing on the size of his head and how fat the guy has gotten. He said he was surprised that Jerry still dyes his hair black even though he looks like such a mess. Robin said dying his hair is the least of his problems. Robin and Howard talked about the telethon and how they were showing old clips of Jerry when he was still young and vibrant.
Howard said Insane Clown Posse is scheduled to be on today and they had a ton of fans down in the lobby of the building. He said Paul McCartney didn't have that many people show up when he was in. Howard said that Craig Kilborn and David Spade are also coming in today. Robin said they have to talk to David about the women he dates because he's always in the spotlight.
Howard said there are a lot of changes going on there at the station. He reminded everyone that Stuttering John was fired from his one hour ''Out to Lunch'' show right before they went on vacation. The silver lining that ''Chuck Roast'' was talking about is the fact that they're going to pay John for his shift through December... Then Tom Chiusano will talk to him about stuff. Howard said Tom tried to corner him yesterday to talk to him but he didn't want to watch this video tape his son had put together.
Howard and John talked about how DJ Maze is gone from the station and Cane and Cabbie have split up now. Cabbie has his own shift now. John said that Cabbie was thrilled that he'd gotten fired from his one hour show. Cabbie came in a short time later and laughed about John getting fired. John pointed out that he beat his ass in their boxing match. John and Cabbie goofed on each other a little bit taking jabs at each other's situations. John seems to think Cabbie's overnight shift will soon become just a Sunday night shift.
Cabbie told Howard that he asked to get his own shift on the station. He said he worked with Cane for a long time and was looking to get something on his own. He said that the Program Director told him that if he plays just one song that's not on the play list, he's fired. Cabbie said he understands that and won't be playing whatever he wants to like he had in the past. He said they allowed him to go right on the air unlike John's show that was taped. Gary came in and said that Dead Air Dave (who censors the show) was told that he'd be guaranteed 3 overnight shifts per week with this job he has. Now Cabbie has that shift so he might not be getting those shifts. While they were talking about this stuff Cabbie noticed that there was a dead mouse in front of him. It turns out there was a mouse in a glue trap sitting on the floor of the studio. Howard was grossed out by it so KC came in and said that he was waiting until later to show it to Howard. He said that he was going to wait until Howard finished his breakfast before showing it to him. Howard told him to just get it out of there immediately.
A listener called in and asked if Cabbie is going to go back to smoking crack now that he's on his own at the station. Cabbie said he's never going back to that stuff. Howard spent a little more time talking to Cabbie about what he'll be doing there at the station. He said he may be doing some shows with Cane once in a while. Howard said he heard that Cane was offered the chance to have Cabbie on the show and he turned it down. Cabbie said that Cane was the guy who brought him to New York City and he has a lot of respect for him. Gary said that the guys were talking about how something at the station will piss him off and he'll eventually start playing his own stuff during his shift and then he'll get fired.
Howard asked Cabbie about Maze and what happened with that whole thing. Cabbie said he wasn't sure he could talk about that story though. Howard said he heard that they asked Maze to do some extra work during the blackout and he didn't stick around to do it so Tom got pissed and let him go. Cabbie said he'd plead the 5th on that story.
Howard let a couple of callers say a few things to Cabbie. He also found out that Danni ''Two Guns'' has taken over for Maze. He said her breasts are huge and that's why they call her ''Two Guns.'' Mariann from Brooklyn called in and welcomed Howard back from vacation. She said a few nice things about Howard and Cabbie. Cabbie told Howard he goes home after his shift now and crawls into bed with his young girlfriend. Howard asked him if he ever pretends that she's a guy since he's been with guys in the past. Howard asked Cabbie why he makes all of the gay comments to KC all the time. Cabbie said that he's just joking around when he does that stuff. Gary said he did it in the afternoon one day and was wrestling with him and stuff. Cabbie said he was very impressed with how strong KC was that day because he took him right down. Howard wrapped up the segment right after that.
Howard said he had this guy Sixx on the phone. This is the guy who walked up on stage at the MTV Video Music Awards and started talking about how great BB King is. He did something similar with the Foo Fighters one year when they were accepting an award. Sixx was telling Howard what was going on but his cell phone connection sucked so Howard wondered why they didn't call him on a hard line. Sixx was just laughing while Howard was complaining about his connection. Howard told Gary to have the guys ask callers if they're on a hard line or not. He ended up putting Sixx on hold so they could call him back on a hard line. Howard played the clip of him walking up and interrupting Snoop Dogg on stage at the VMA awards. Shortly after that Sixx was back on the phone but he was on a cordless phone instead of a cell phone. Howard picked up on that immediately and said it sounded eve worse. Howard put him on hold once again and they tried calling him back again. While he waited he said that tomorrow they're going to be doing a polygraph test with Robin to find out if she really likes Howard's girlfriend Beth or not. Sixx was back on the phone shortly after that. Sixx told Howard how he was doing interviews at the award show to promote his new DVD called Jackass In The Hood that's available at JackassInTheHood.com. He said his friend started the interviews with him while he was on the red carpet. Then the other news programs hear that and they start interviewing him. He said his face is recognizable now that he's been on Howard's show so people think he's actually someone famous. He told Howard how he snuck into the awards and how he got up on stage to crash the show. He said he stole a seat right in the front row and ran up on stage to get to the microphone. He said Snoop looked pretty scared when he was running toward him and it threw him off. He said he was going to plug his DVD but he forgot. He said that this was his third year sneaking on stage. He said you can check out his stuff at either GrammyCrasher.com or JackassInTheHood.com.
Sixx said he walked right into Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore's interview back stage when he got kicked out so he crashed that as well. He said a few things to them while he was there and caused some more trouble. Sixx said that he'll crash next year's Grammy Awards as well. He said he'd like to crash the Oscars as well so we may see him on stage there too. He's also taping a show with Carson Daly and that's supposed to air on September 12th.
Howard asked Sixx about what he does for a living to make money. He said he produces music videos and stuff like that. He spent a short time talking about that before Howard started to wrap up the segment. Howard said he shows how easy it would be for some violent guy to sneak into these award shows. Sixx said that he did have to go through security before he got in there so it wouldn't be that easy. Before he got off the phone, Sixx told Howard that he's in a new movie with Rick Schroeder called ''Black Cloud.'' That's supposed to come out in January and he says he has a real part in the movie. Howard went to break shortly after that.
Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, came in shortly after that. Howard said he's never seen these two out of their make up and he probably never will. He spent a short time talking to the guys about losing weight. He then moved on to talk about how much stuff they sell online. He read that they sell about $15,000 in merchandise every day. Howard also brought up their new book ''Behind the Paint'' in which they say they don't think that Howard is a big fan of their music. Howard said they also think that Robin isn't a fan of them personally either. Robin said that she doesn't dislike them.
Howard spent some time talking to the guys how popular they are but don't get that much recognition for that. They had a bunch of fans waiting down in the lobby of the building where Howard's station is located. They've had bad reviews of their albums in the past but that doesn't stop their Juggalos from following them around. Blender magazine said that their album was the worst album ever but they also gave one of their albums 3 stars one time. Howard had a guy, Rob, from Blender magazine on the phone to talk about their reviews. Rob defended his review but the guys said that he was probably just jealous of them because he was in a band at one time. Howard asked Rob if it was true that he was in a band at one time. He said he was so the ICP guys goofed on him about that. Rob said he was only in the band to write about the experience. Howard did say he agreed with Rob about putting The Doors on the list of the worst bands out there. Rob said they're very overrated.
Violent J went off on Rob while he was asking him how they can say they suck when so many of their fans have such a great time at their shows. He went off on him for a good two minutes or so before Rob got a chance to defend himself. He said that there are probably 2000 people out there who drink their own urine and enjoy it so a band that has 2000 fans that enjoy their show isn't that surprising. Gary also asked how Blender can say that Air Supply is a better band than Insane Clown Posse. Rob said that musical taste is all subjective so there are many bands on the list that some people don't think belong on there. Howard said that maybe ICP isn't the worst band in the world even if they're number one on their ''worst'' list. The ICP guys said they don't mind that they're on the list because it just shows that they're the most outrageous, original band out there.
Howard took some phone calls for the guys and ended up talking to them about all of the merchandise they sell. One caller said the only thing that sucks about these guys is their attitude and the fact that they hide behind their make up. Howard asked them if they'll ever take the make up off like KISS did years ago. They said they don't have any plans to do that but there are pictures of them in their book ''Behind the Paint.''
Howard spoke to Shaggy about his fiancee and how he's settling down to be a family man. He then brought in a couple of their fans that were waiting down in the lobby. Howard spoke to a good looking girl who was there with her boyfriend. Both of them were big fans of ICP. They talked about ''The Gathering'' where they had a three day concert at a campground and how great that was. Howard spent a couple of minutes with them and then wrapped things up. He gave ICP a plug for their web site InsaneClownPosse.com and spent a little more time talking to the fans that showed up. The woman plugged their web site JuggalettesGoneWicked.com where you can apparently see her naked. Howard then went to break.
Howard had Craig Kilborn come in a short time after that. Craig was kissing Howard's ass as soon as he came in. He told him what a big fan of his he was and how they'd met out in Malibu years ago. He said that Howard told him that he'd never get married again when they spoke out in Malibu. Craig somehow found out that Howard and Beth have had discussions about having kids. Howard said he and Beth have talked about being together and how he doesn't want to have anymore kids. He said he's gone through that stage in his life and he's done with it. Howard said he'd kill himself if he had more kids. He told Craig that he's married to his work now and doesn't want to go back to having a newborn child again. Craig asked if Beth could have kids with someone else so Howard wouldn't have to worry about it. Howard joked that she could go out, have a kid and come back in 10 years. He said it's killing both of them because they love being together. He also said he asked her if he could be her baby instead of her having a baby. Craig said he's only had one serious girlfriend and he knows how the conversations go about the baby stuff.
Howard asked Craig if he's into black chicks. Craig said he's dated a couple of black women but he's not just into black chicks. Howard also read that he was seen making out with a 19 year old Nikki Hilton one night. Craig said he doesn't date people in the industry though so he was denying that. Howard said he read something about Craig on the internet that he wanted to bring up but he wasn't sure if he should or not. He wrote a note and showed it to Craig. Craig said that he doesn't talk about whatever it was he read. Howard joked that Craig likes women to go to the bathroom on him. He quickly moved on to other things after that. He asked him about what he does while he's at home not being in a relationship. Craig said he has been seeing ''some 24 year old'' though. He said he's 41 years old himself. He said they have a lot of fun together. He talked about how they enjoy drinking together so Howard said he knows what that's like. They shared some stories about drinking wine and vodka. Howard said he keeps that stuff to the weekends though and doesn't drink during the week.
Howard asked Craig if he thinks he'd get David Letterman's slot if Dave left. He said he's not sure if that would happen or not. Craig had some nice things to say about David Letterman's show and how great he is. Howard said he likes Dave too because he was the first guy to put him on a network show. He said it was a lot of work to put on a good show for Dave though so that's why he's backed off. Howard talked about how hard he's worked in his career and how he didn't want to do more work when he did the late night shows. He and Craig talked about the time when Howard was doing his radio show and shooting the ''Private Parts'' movie at the same time. Howard said that's when his marriage started to fall apart. He was making a movie about how great his marriage was and that actually ruined the marriage.
Howard wondered if Craig will dump his girlfriend on New Year's Eve or something like that. He said he thinks of Craig as a player but Craig said he's not like that.
Howard also talked to Craig about his ratings. He had some ratings numbers and it seemed like Jimmy Kimmel's show was beating Craig's show. Craig said they don't go head to head though so that's not exactly true. He said he and Conan are very competitive in the ratings.
Howard and Craig spent some time talking about the other late night hosts. Howard also took a couple of phone calls for Craig. Artie wanted to take on Craig in a basketball game too. They found out Craig played in college so Artie wanted to take him on. He figured Craig would probably be able to take him on. A few more callers had some wacky questions and comments for Craig so Howard let them through. One woman said he tries too hard on his show. A guy said that his step-sister lived in the same building and almost dated him but he turned out to be such a bad date that she split on him before he got the chance. Craig said he didn't remember that story though. Howard gave Craig a plug for his show ''The Late, Late Show'' which airs week nights after ''The Late Show.'' He started to wrap things up but ended up talking to Craig about working out... or not working out. Craig said he can't jog like Howard does. He said he walks a treadmill for a half hour at a speed of 4.5. Howard said he runs at 10.5. He wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Howard said he went to dinner with David and his co-star Mary McCormack who was also in Howard's movie. Howard said David and Mary seemed to be getting pretty close at dinner so he wondered if something happened between the two of them. David said nothing happened and they were just talking.
Howard asked David about all of the hot chicks he goes out with. Howard said he's never seen David with a hot chick, he just reads about them. He brought up one story about David going out with one girl who is not dating George Clooney. David said that they split up months ago and it wasn't a really bad split up so the story isn't all that big of a deal. Howard also brought up Julie Bowen who David has dated in the past. Howard said Julie came to see them when they all went out to dinner recently. Howard said David is still in love with her and can't get over it. Howard told David that he was going to make a toast to him at dinner to impress Julie. He said the movie was great and David is a great guy and a true friend in the business. David said Julie walked in on this thing and then Howard introduced David and Julie as being a couple. He asked Julie if she'd get back together with David and she ran off and didn't come back to the table for the rest of the night. Howard said Julie is really cute too. He said he saw her in some movie on HBO and she's got a great body. Artie said he tried to make a toast after Howard's and screwed up Julie's last name. David said that really didn't help matters.
Howard asked David if when he sees Artie in action (getting drunk) if he thinks that he has a problem. David said he did a couple of interventions with Chris Farley when he was a mess and he got sick of it. Howard kept asking him if he thinks that Artie has a problem with drinking or not. David said he is able to get his job done and he becomes even nicer when he's drunk. He wouldn't say ''yes'' when Howard asked him the question so Howard said he thinks he does drink too much but it's funny.
Howard said he got a note from Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) about David being at the MTV awards. Chaunce was on the phone to talk about it. Howard ended up asking David what he thought of the whole show. He said he left halfway through after he did his award intro with the Olson twins. He said they didn't even let him get out any of his jokes while they were up there on stage. Howard asked David if he'd bang them if he could. David said he doesn't think he could do that because they're such good friends now. Chaunce wanted to know who it was that was with David at the MTV awards because she was really hot. David said it was an ex-girlfriend of his that he went with. Gary thought it might have been his publicist but it turns out it wasn't.
Howard gave David a plug for his movie and then took some phone calls. A guy asked him how he gets such hot chicks. He ended up talking about what a great girl Julie Bowen is and how even Howard was taken with her when he met her. Howard told David to just say what he wanted to say to her on the air in case she was listening. Howard took another call from a guy who said that every movie David has made is a piece of crap. Another guy wondered how Julie is in bed. David wasn't answering that one of course. Howard took a few other calls after that. Gary came in a short time later and showed Howard a picture of the girl David was with at the MTV awards. That led to Howard talking to David about the parties he went to after the awards show.
Howard said he invited David to a party he had out in the Hamptons and he didn't want to come because he was just having normal neighbors over to his party. David said he was just surprised to hear that Howard was hanging with normal people.
Howard said David's new movie is really funny and everyone should go see it. It opens on September 15th. As Howard was wrapping things up his dog walked in so David was a little distracted. Howard said he asked David if he has a dog when they were out to dinner. David told him he had one but had to get rid of it because it was too much of a hassle. They wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard read some email they've gotten lately. A few people wrote in and told Howard the white outfit he wore to the P. Diddy white party was really gay. Howard said any outfit that's white looks gay. He also got one about our chances of being hit by an asteroid in the next 15 years or so. The chances are slim but it would be very powerful if one did hit. That led to Howard talking about what everyone on the show would be doing toward the end. He said John would probably hold one of his comedy shows with all of the comedians that appear on the show. Fred did his impression of John and mentioned Reverend Bob Levy (revboblevy.net) at one point. That led to Howard playing Levy's latest roast. This time Levy roasted Jerry Lewis. He said that Jerry looks like George Lopez with that giant head of his. He wondered if Jerry went to a dyslexic head shrinker or something. He also had a couple of jokes about having Dean Martin in his cheeks. He said a 7-11 Big Gulp would look like a shot glass next to that big head of his and that he must comb his hair with a rake. He wrapped it up asking Jerry to do everyone a favor and do the telethon on radio next time.
Howard spent a short time talking about Ellen Degeneres and her new TV show. Howard said he doesn't think too many people are going to be watching it. The guys spent a couple of minutes talking about what she should do on her show. After that Howard had Robin start her news.
Howard said he's exhausted from getting up so early every morning. Robin said she had a weird night because she went to bed at 4pm and woke up at 10 and then didn't get back to sleep until midnight. She's also shot.
Howard brought up the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger had an egg thrown at him while he was making a speech yesterday. He talked about how lame that is for someone to do even if they don't like the guy. He said it takes balls to run for governor and he didn't deserve that. Howard said Arnold handled it really classy and just took his jacket off and continued with his speech.
Howard said he caught the Warren Zevon special on VH-1 yesterday even though he didn't want to. He said it was too depressing to watch but he had to watch it anyway. Zevon is dying of lung cancer but he doesn't look all that bad in the special. Howard said that he continues to smoke even though he's dying of lung cancer. He explained the special and said it's basically Zevon saying goodbye to everyone. Howard had his new CD The Wind yesterday but didn't have it today because it was actually Artie's copy and he took it home to listen to. The company won't allow them to download anything from the internet so they can't just download it. Howard told Robin he didn't want her watching this special because it would upset her too much. He continued to tell Robin about the special and how Zevon hasn't read any books since he was diagnosed with cancer because he figures he doesn't have the time to do it. He also suggested that they show this special to kids who smoke to get them to stop. He said Zevon actually discovered that he had cancer when he went on a health kick and found that he was short of breath. He was working out and didn't know why he was having so much trouble breathing. Robin said that stuff never stops people from smoking though.
Howard said the guy who discovered that Artie is part American Indian will be calling in today. Comedian Jim Florentine will also be coming in to promote his new DVD and they'll have a Playboy model in as well. Howard said tomorrow they have Harvey Pekar and Sharon Osbourne coming in and next week they have rapper Mystikal. Howard played some of his music (from the CD Tarantula) and Artie was dancing along to the song. Howard got into it as well and started dancing around. He admitted he can't dance though. He said he was out over the weekend and ended up dancing with a couple of guys. Beth only dances for a couple of minutes and then goes and sits down. He said she's good when she dances but she doesn't stay up for long. Howard talked about dancing with some other women and how he was trying to simulate sex while he was dancing. He said he wasn't sure what to do at certain points like when the women would turn around and face him. Howard wondered where women learn how to dance and mentioned Home Economics class. He wondered why they don't have that class anymore because there are a lot of women out there who can't even cook a meal these days. He said they have a lot of classes that teach kids stuff they'll never use in life but Home Ec is one that teaches stuff that's useable. Robin said she had to sew in class and she just couldn't do it so it was pointless for her. Howard suggested that both men and women should have to take Home Ec classes so they can learn some life skills in school. Robin said she knows there are people out there who don't even know how to balance a check book. That's the kind of stuff they need to teach kids in school. They played a clip from the movie ''Carnal Knowledge'' where Jack Nicholson yells at his wife about cleaning the house right before they went to commercial break.
Howard said he talked about the Counting Crows album yesterday but he didn't have the CD to play. He said he didn't get that until today. He said if they were allowed to download songs from the internet, they could get to that stuff the same day. He said no record company is going to come after them for downloading songs if they're going to play them on the air. He said the band wanted him to play it on the air and he would have if he'd had it when he wanted it. He ended up playing the album anyway though. He only played about 10 seconds of the first song before he changed subjects.
Robin ended up telling Howard about how she talked to this lie detector test guy yesterday and he was kind of strange. She said that she called him and he was very short with her and didn't have much to say even though he was the one who wanted her to call him. Howard said they were going to have Robin tested because they seem to think she doesn't like Howard's girlfriend Beth. Gary came in and said that the people at the company were all kind of strange and yelled at them when they asked questions. They were saying that they can't ask more than 8 questions because of the band they put on the person's arm. They have to release it so the blood flow doesn't get cut off. Howard ended up getting pissed off at Will who does the research for the show. He apparently told Robin that the questions they had for her were ''kind of rough'' which wasn't the right thing to say. Howard called him in and yelled at him for a short time about telling Robin what's going on with stuff like that.
Robin said she had a problem while she was out running when she was on vacation. She said she got a little diarrhea while she was jogging in her bike shorts. She said she had run about 5 miles and was about 3 blocks from the hotel when she realized that she had a problem. She said she started walking really fast trying to get back and all of a sudden it just exploded. She said there weren't many people around because it was very early in the morning. She said there was no one on the street at the time but she ended up locking herself out of her room. She said the crap was running down her leg so she didn't want to run into anyone. She said her friend was in an adjoining room so she'd be able to get in. She said she saw a guy who was watering a plant with a hose as she got closer to the hotel. She asked to borrow the hose and hosed herself off out on the street. She said she watered herself down and got some of the mess off. There were still remnants coming down her leg and ending up on her white socks. She rushed back to the hotel and banged on her friend's room but she was in the shower. Her friend eventually came to the door so Robin told her to run and open her door and get out of there. Robin said she ran into the bathtub and showered herself off. She said she threw everything away after that. Howard said he didn't think he would have thought of using the hose like she did.
A listener called in and said he had a about with diarrhea in high school but he was able to hold it in. He seemed to think that Robin should have been able to hold it in. Robin said she just wasn't able to do that though. Another woman called in and changed the subject. She said she thinks that Robin has a secret crush on Howard and that's why she doesn't like when he has someone like Beth around him. Howard told the woman that Robin called Mr. X Howard at one point during their company's Christmas party.
KC came in and told Robin that when someone goes jogging early in the morning and gets diarrhea, they call it Athlete's Ass. Howard told him to get out of the studio and went right to commercial break.
Howard said the Latin Grammy's were on last night and he couldn't tell who was who. He made a few jokes about how the valet parking attendant was brought up on stage to accept an award. He made a few other jokes about the awards and wondered why they have a Latin Grammy show and no Irish Grammy or Black Grammy awards... Then he said they do have the MTV Video Music Awards.
Howard got this guy Zach from DNA Print on the phone. He's from the DNA testing company that found that Artie is 1/4 American Indian. Zach told Howard about how they break it all down to figure out where people are from and how accurate their stuff is. He said that it may not be 100 percent accurate but it should be close. He said they are comfortable saying that Artie is American Indian. Artie said he knew that he was 50 percent Italian but he wasn't sure about the other side of his family. Zach told Howard he found out that he was part East Asian and he's blonde hair and blue eyed. It's a surprise when some people find out what they are.
Howard told Artie he needs to do some research on his grandfather to figure out where the American Indian thing comes in. Howard said if Artie can prove that he's an American Indian, he won't have to pay taxes and he'd be entitled to all of the taxes the government has taken so far. Artie said he would love to get a check for all of the taxes he's paid so far. Artie said as far as he knows, his grandfather's full name was Arthur Steven Lange. The guys said that doesn't sound like an American Indian name though. Howard said he's going to take the test himself. He had Zach give out his company's web site which is at AncestryByDNA.com. Zach also told Howard they're getting into some really cool stuff with forensics and stuff like that but Howard said he wasn't interested in that.
Robin said she was tested and found to be 84 percent black. Howard said he could see that she's got some white features in her. Fred was found to have 5 percent American Indian in him. He found that very hard to believe but Howard said he could see that.
Artie said he seriously wants to find out if he's really American Indian and is willing to do whatever it takes. Gary came in a minute later and said they found that he doesn't have any black in him like Howard thought he did.
Howard said some of the guys didn't work when they did their tests. Zach told Howard that they may not have gotten enough cells on the swab they took. Howard said they found a couple of men's DNA in KC's mouth when they tested his swab. Howard and Zach made a few jokes about that.
Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and said that you have to prove that you're part of one of the tribes that owns one of the casinos to get a cut of that. He said he wasn't sure about the income tax thing though so he'd have to look into that. While Dominic was still on the phone Howard asked him how much weight he'd lost since he got his stomach operation. Dominic said he's lost about 55 pounds so far. He's back to eating normal amounts of food and he's doing about 1000 calories a day. Howard said he's going to end up chunking up again. Dominic said he doesn't want to get down to 170 pounds, he just wants to be about 210 or 220 pounds. Howard had to wrap up the segment shortly after that.
Gary said he's heard about a lot of other people who are going to be there. Dennis Rodman is one of those guests so Howard ended up asking Gary if he'd bang Carmen Electra even though Dennis had her. Gary said he would do that and he'd even marry her. Howard said he might bang her but he won't marry anyone. That led to Howard saying that he probably wouldn't bang Pamela Anderson these days because of the Hepatitis C thing. He said he'd let her use her had on him but that's it. He said he'd Bukkake her as well. He said Kid Rock seems to be fine so maybe he's a little crazy to think he wouldn't bang her. Gary asked him if he would bang someone like that if they just had crabs. Howard said he might do that but then thought about it and said he probably wouldn't. If he knew she had crabs, he wouldn't do it. Gary said that he might go back to a woman who has crabs if she was good enough. Stuttering John came in and told Howard what a pain in the ass Crabs really are. He said you have to shave and wash your sheets and crap like that. John described his experience with the crabs and how you can see them crawling around on your pubic hair. John said he ended up using the special shampoo on his girlfriend at the time to kill the crabs that she didn't even know about. He'd been cheating on the girl so he didn't want to tell her that he'd gotten them. John said his girlfriend was probably cheating on him just as much as he was cheating on her so maybe he got them from her.
Gary told a story about his crabs and how the nurse told him he was ''infested'' after he'd told her he worked for the Howard Stern show. Gary said he had a tough time figuring out who gave them to him. He said he narrowed it down to two women. Scott DePace came in and said he had crabs and found them crawling up his chest hair one day. Gary said it's really weird to see stuff crawling around down there. Howard never got them but said he worried that he was going to get something after banging 5 chicks at camp one year.
Stuttering John told Howard about his genital warts and how horrible that was. He said they have to douse you in vinegar and then give you a shot in each one before they burn it off. John said he once thought he had AIDS because he'd been losing weight so fast. Gary said John was on a diet program and that was why he lost the weight so fast. John said he started to eat a ton of ice cream when he got skinny because he was afraid he had AIDS. He said they were doing the channel 9 show at the time and one year he was skinny and the next he was fat because he ate so much ice cream.
Howard took a couple of phone calls from listeners who had problems with crabs. One guy said he had them crawling around in his moustache. Gary said it took him about 3 months to get rid of all of them because they lay eggs and they just keep coming back. Another caller said he had genital warts and ended up cutting them off himself. Gary said whenever he had itching after that he was afraid he had crabs again. Stuttering John pointed out that Gary had chlamydia at one point. Gary didn't want him saying that even though he's talked about that in the past. That led to Gary talking about other problems he's had in the past. He said he had to take a medication that turned his urine fire engine red and ruined a lot of pairs of underwear. Howard brought up how his nipples used to bleed when he'd jog. They spent a short time on that before someone changed the subject.
A caller asked about what they're going to do with the football season this year as far as betting. Howard said they have a contest where they're going to have a bunch of people call in and give their football picks each week. Last year they had a monkey picking but this year they have Gary the Retard. They're not betting on tonight's game though.
A listener called in and said he had genital crabs at one time and they were embedded in his foreskin. He claims that he had to be circumcised because of it. He was only 19 years old at the time. Since the guy had sex both before and after his circumcision, Howard asked him which was better. The guy told Howard that sex was better after being circumcised. Howard was surprised to hear that because he thought it would be better with the extra skin. Howard bailed out on that call and said he didn't want to hear anymore about that stuff. He took a break shortly after that.
Howard and Robin talked about a couple of news stories. Howard brought up this guy who bought a bunch of web site domain names that were misspellings of common names and would redirect them to porn sites. He ended up getting in some trouble with that so Howard said he doesn't understand why that's wrong. Robin didn't get it either.
Howard's girlfriend Beth called in to find out if Robin had taken her lie detector test to find out if she dislikes her or not. Howard told Beth it didn't happen because the guy was kind of a flake. He quickly moved on to talk about how great Beth looked at the P. Diddy party they went to. He said she looked really hot in the outfit she wore(Pics here). He said he looked horrible in the pictures standing next to her. He spent a couple of minutes talking to Beth before moving on to the hot chick they had there.
Howard said he wasn't even sure why they were having this girl in today. He thinks that Gary told him they had a hot chick who wanted to come in so he agreed to it. Playboy and Mystique Magazine model Deanna Merryman came in to promote Mystique Magazine. Howard said he thought she was a Playboy model. She said she is in Playboy this month but she's in a celebrity layout. Howard didn't know why she was in a celebrity layout though. Gary had to tell him that she's the woman who dated NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon.
Howard asked Deanna about how she hooked up with Jeff Gordon. She said she was doing makeup at Nieman Marcus and he used to come in to buy gifts for his family. Howard and Robin figured he was there buying stuff for his wife. She said it was just for his ''family.'' She said she didn't know who he was or the fact that he was married. While he was talking to her about that he was handed her layout in Playboy. He checked those out and said she was pretty hot. She shaves just about everything. She also handed him her Mystique layout.
Gary brought up the fact that she's also had some lesbian relationships. Howard got into that and asked her about what she's done in her past. She said she hasn't had a relationship like that in a long time. She also claims that she's never had an orgasm in her life. She also claims that Jeff Gordon didn't give her one and he was kind of small in the pants. Howard told her to leave her number when she leaves because if Beth ever leaves him, he'll bang her so good that she'll have an orgasm. She said she feels good when she has sex but she's just never had an orgasm. Howard figures it's all mental so he asked her if she was ever molested. She said nothing like that happened. Gary asked her what her father does for a living. When she told them that he's a pastor, Howard figured that he's just made her feel guilty about sex so that's why she's unable to have an orgasm. She told Howard she doesn't masturbate because it's weird so she's never given herself an orgasm.
Howard asked her if she's into anal sex. She said she's not into that so Howard and Gary said that might be the thing she needs to get her off. She sounded like she was disgusted by the idea of it though.
Howard gave Deanna a plug for MystiqueMagazine.com where you can see her pictures and purchase her ''A Day in the Life of Deanna.''
Gary read some of the notes they had on Deanna. She was arrested for driving under the influence and spent some time in jail. Howard got back to the Jeff Gordon story and asked her more about that. She said she was dating someone at the time when Jeff started asking her out. When she broke up with that guy, she started going out with Jeff. She said he was always talking about religion and stuff. They'd meet in hotel rooms and places like that to have lunch. Deanna kept telling Howard she had to plug Mystique magazine through the interview. Howard gave her a couple of plugs after that.
Howard wondered how Jeff Gordon's wife found out about their relationship. Deanna said she wasn't sure what happened or how she found out. Gordon and his wife split up after she found out. Deanna said he ended up cheating on her as well so she broke up with him.
Gary said Deanna was stripping at a club one time and ended up getting bitten on the ass by a customer. She had to go to the hospital for the bite and the nurse turned out to be the wife of the guy who bit her. Howard said she must be pretty wild to have all of this stuff happening to her. Howard tried to find out more about what happened to her as a child when a caller said that something must have happened. Deanna said she's over whatever it was that happened and didn't want to talk about it. Howard told her whatever it was is probably the reason she can't orgasm. A caller suggested that she be put in a sex chair suspended from the ceiling to get her completely exposed. Howard said he might be right about that.
A listener called in and said there's no way this woman didn't know who Jeff Gordon was. Howard said he wouldn't know who the guy is if he walked in there right then. Robin said he's all over TV all the time and even she'd recognize him though. An old roommate of Deanna's called in and told Howard how they lost touch with each other and how Deanna got mad at her for some reason. The woman used to work as a stripper with Deanna.
A woman called in and told Deanna that she used to have the same problem not being able to have an orgasm. She suggested that Deanna masturbate to learn how to move the right way to make one happen. Deanna didn't seem too interested in doing that though. Howard said he'd have to inspect her himself to figure out what's wrong with her.
One more caller asked Howard to get Deanna naked for them. Howard asked her to do that but she wasn't going to do it. She said that she didn't have any panties on but still wasn't going to show anything to them. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time after that.
Howard said in one bit Jim goes to a car dealership and goes for a test ride. He pulls out a beer and smokes some weed while he's testing the car out. He said Jim just tells the salesman that he wants to relax while he's driving. The salesman doesn't try to stop him though, he just tells him to watch out.
In another bit Jim and Don go to look at an apartment and they go to the bathroom while they're there but they leave the door open. They also do ''Upper Deckers'' where they crap in the tank of the toilet instead of the toilet itself.
KC came in and told Howard about some of the other bits that they do on the DVD. KC (as well as Artie) is part of some of the bits so you'll see him in there as well. Jim told Howard that there's one bit they do where they steal flowers from a grave yard and give them to their girlfriends. Then about a month later they show the girls the tape of where they got the flowers and they freak out on them.
Howard said he heard that Jim got in trouble at an airport for having stink bombs. Jim told Howard that he drops them at clubs and it always clears people off the dance floor. At one point Howard asked Jim how old he is. He chuckled and said he's 38 and loves doing this stuff. He said he's been doing it since he was 14 years old and now he's making a living at it. Jim told Howard about the stink bomb thing and about how he and Stuttering John were farting so much on a plane one time that they almost had to do an emergency landing. He said they'd fart and wave them at people. The people would then move and tell the flight attendant.
Jim and Don stuck around to hang out during Robin's news. You can order their new DVD at MeetTheCreeps.com.
Howard started off the show talking about Gary and how he does a little strange stretch when he's talking to him. Everyone in the studio knew what Howard was talking about so they were all goofing on him about it a little bit. Howard said it shows a sign of submissiveness. He told Gary he's like Mighty Joe Young when he does that.
Howard said Sharon Osbourne canceled on them and wouldn't be in this morning. He said she canceled her whole New York trip but she does have to come in to start shooting her TV show soon. Harvey Pekar will be in though so Howard talked about him for a short time. Howard also said they'd be doing their BetOnSports.com football betting starting today. That led to the guys talking about last night's NY Jets football game. They talked about the Jets losing against the Redskins. Howard asked Artie if he's offended by the name Redskins (since he recently learned that he's 1/4 American Indian). Artie said that he is offended by it... as long as he gets money for being part American Indian. Howard said that he watched the pre-game show last night. Britney Spears was on that so they talked about her performance. He and the guys spent a short time talking about how she does the same hit songs every time she does stuff like that. At one point she has her pants pulled off by a couple of other dancers and her panties almost came off. Artie said that was the only time his head came off his pillow during the game. Howard said he didn't think he looked all that good in the panties either. He said he'd still bang her though. Artie and Howard talked about how she really likes to be a little whore when she performs. Howard also brought up Aerosmith and how they look like two different bands. He said Steve and Joe still look pretty good for their age but the rest of the guys don't. Howard said he thinks they must be approaching 60 or so. Fred guessed that they're about 57 or 58. Gary came in and said they're only 53 or so though. Howard said he loves the band and made Britney Spears look like a jerk when they performed some ''real'' music.
A listener called in and thought Howard was nuts saying that Britney wasn't all that hot. Howard said she's okay but not as hot as some people think. That led to Howard talking about the kiss between Madonna and Britney on the MTV Video Music Awards. He said they didn't have any passion when they did it so it was obvious they were just doing it to sell some albums. A listener called in and said he has tape of the show with Britney at the football game and he thinks that he could see some of her naked cooch. The caller said he wanted to come in and play guitar naked for Howard. Howard gave him the wrong address at first but when the guy said he'd bring in his twin sisters who would get naked, he gave him the right address. Howard put him on hold but then picked him up again to make sure he could get his sisters naked. The guy said he'd try and convince them to do it but he wasn't sure. He said he'd bring someone even if his sisters didn't come.
A listener called in and asked Howard some odd questions about why New Yorkers picked themselves up after 9/11. He said they should stop acting like they're better than normal people. The guy was calling himself CL Smooth but he was anything but smooth as he tried to explain what he was talking about. He kept saying the wrong words as he was explaining it so Howard and Artie goofed on him and eventually hung up on him before going to commercial break.
Howard asked Robin what she had set up for his 50th birthday party. He said he hopes she's not setting up anything big for him because he doesn't want any surprises. Robin said she has just set up a day when they can go out to dinner or something. Howard asked that she not include Benjy in those plans. She promised Benjy wouldn't be there.
Howard said Stuttering John told him about a grandmother who snatched her granddaughter and tried to sell her on the internet. Howard said he was amazed to learn that there's a grandmother out there who knows how to use the internet. John came in a short time later and said it's really tough to get a baby like that so people are willing to do a lot to get one. Howard said he'd never adopt a kid because he'd want one with his blood. He also said he thinks that Asian kids are cuter than other kids. Artie said he'd love to see what kind of baby he'd have if he banged a black chick or an asian chick. This all led to the guys talking about Angelina Jolie's adopted child and how she bought a hut in Cambodia so they can go back to be close to the kid's roots. Howard said that kid doesn't want to go back there.
Howard said someone sent him an old Super Boy comic book and they had a word key for the pronunciation of Mr. Mxyplk. Howard had been pronouncing it ''Mix-ix-a-plix'' but it's actually something like ''Mix-Yas-pit-il-ik.''
Howard read an article about this new car called the Aquata that can go from driving on the road to a boat. He wondered who out there actually needs a car that can go from the road to the water. It's $235,000 so there won't be many people buying the things. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that they made it so the doors don't open so you have to hop in and out over the sides of the car. Howard said it's a convertible and he hates convertibles. He ended up complaining about convertibles and how uncomfortable it is to drive one. He said he doesn't even like his sunroof when it's open. He also wondered why these inventors don't invent a car that turns into a television because that's something he could use. Howard said they should be inventing stuff that's useful instead of a car that can drive in the water. He mentioned a couple of things like a cream that can remove 10 pounds of cellulite from your girlfriend's ass and stuff like that.
Howard brought up an article he read about a guy who was pelted with tomatoes while he was driving through an Amish area in Pennsylvania. The tomatoes came from a cornfield. Howard said these Amish kids are so bored because they aren't allowed to do anything like smoke pot, play video games or anything like that. The guy who got hit with the tomatoes decided to take some shots into the cornfield the tomatoes came from and ended up killing one of the kids. It turns out the guy who was killed was 23 years old. Howard said the whole thing could have been avoided if the Amish kids were able to enter the 21st century.
Howard got back to Britney Spears again and talked about how desperate she seems when she does the things she does. He also said it was pretty lame when MTV cut to Justin Timberlake when Britney and Madonna kissed during the Video Music Awards. Howard said he doesn't care about seeing his reaction to Britney's kiss. He wanted to see Madonna and Christina Aguilera's kiss instead.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked about the football pool they're going to be doing. Howard said they'd be doing that after the next break. Unfortunately, George Takei backed out of the whole thing and won't be participating. They have a chicken, Gary the Retard and Daniel Carver competing against Artie in this contest. Howard said Takei may have been worried about them bringing up stuff that he didn't want brought up. Gary said that he wasn't too happy that he was going to be involved with Daniel Carver from the KKK. Gary said he told him that they wouldn't have had him on the phone at the same time as Daniel but he still backed out of it. Howard had to take another break after that.
Howard had Gary the Retard on the phone since he'll be part of this big football pool. Howard asked him what he'd do with the money if he won. Gary said he has a lot of stuff he needs to do with the money. They asked him if he could buy a house with that amount of money. He knows that he can't do that. Gary also said he can't buy a car because he can't get a license. Howard asked him if he ever took the driving test. Gary said he has tried to drive but he wasn't able to pass the test. Gary said he can ride a bicycle though. Howard asked Gary for his football pick for this weekend. He said ''I pick the chicken!'' so Howard had to explain to him that he had to pick a team. Artie gave him the choice of the Dolphins or the Texans. Gary went with the Dolphins. Stuttering John came in and said he picked a different team when he spoke to him. Howard said the pick he had on the air was the pick they were going with. Howard said he guarantees that Gary the Retard will beat Artie in this pool.
Will brought in his chicken, who he's calling Sanders (a mix of Colonel Sanders and Barry Sanders). Howard spent a minute talking to Will about where he keeps the chicken and how he transports it to work. Will said he only paid five bucks for the chicken. He put him in the pen so it could make it's pick. They had food on each of the teams playing this weekend and it was supposed to peck one of the teams. It wasn't doing anything but crapping on the floor. Howard was about to move on to Daniel Carver but the chicken finally started moving toward the feed. The chicken appeared to be thinking it through as it looked at all of the teams. There wasn't much action going on so Howard got Daniel on the phone.
Howard asked Daniel if he's still in the KKK or if he's cleaned up his act. Daniel said he doesn't have to clean up his act because he's always been clean. Daniel and Howard talked about the KKK thing and what Daniel has been up to lately. Robin asked him what he did for the Labor Day weekend. He said he went to an Indian casino. That led to the guys talking about Artie being part American Indian and then saying that they should test Daniel's DNA out to see if he's full white like he claims he is. Daniel said he'd do the test. Howard got Daniel to talk about who's on the bottom of his list of minorities. He said the blacks are still at the bottom because they're the dumbest. He said the Mexicans are going to take over the country though. He said they're costing our government a lot of money. Howard let him rant for a minute and then had him give his football pick. He said he doesn't know a lot about football but he's playing against a couple of retards so it shouldn't be that hard. He picked the ''Atlanta Falcoons'' to win.
After Daniel gave his pick the guys said that the chicken had given it's pick. It went with the Cleveland Browns. Artie made his pick right after that and said he was going with the Vikings. Artie said if he wins, he's taking that money down to Atlantic City with Howard and they're going to play craps with the whole thing. Howard went to break when they were done with the picks.
Howard had a few tapes to play. He said he had this Ghetto Blaster's song to play and he said the midget rapper in the group is really angry. He played the song and he's singing about raping a chick and stuff like that.
Howard got some information on a new Queer Eye for the Straight Guy 800 number so he decided to call it to hear what it was all about. Howard had a tough time dialing it in the studio though. They give style tips and other things when you call. Howard said the woman who does the voice when you call sounds retarded. He tried a few different tips from the guys and it was pretty boring stuff.
Howard said they missed Benjy's birthday yesterday. He turned 32. Howard said he thought he was just an intern recently and all of a sudden he's 32 years old.
Howard said he'd love to see Dennis back in the game because it would make it more exciting. Robin brought up Kobe Bryant and how people are going to be calling him names if he goes back to playing. The guys said that some people will cheer him though so he's not worried about that.
A woman called in and said she'd like to take Sanders the chicken after the football pool is over. She said she has a few other rescued chickens at her small sanctuary out in Ohio. She said she has a few other animals that she's rescued out there as well. Howard and Artie were talking about grilling the chicken after the contest is over. Artie thinks that would be great after the chicken beats him in the contest. Howard spent a short time talking about how Jason and Will are keeping the chicken in their small apartment. They keep it in a cage which is better than what would have happened to it if the guys hadn't taken it. That led to the guys talking about other animals and food. Artie told Howard his favorite candy right now is probably a Kit Kat. He said he also likes Nestle Crunch and peanut M&Ms as well.
Howard also had a new MrSkin.com Minute to play. Mr. Skin gives us all of the latest ''skinfo'' on nude scenes in new movies and DVD releases. This week Mr. Skin told us there's no nudity in ''Dickie Roberts'' but if you want to see star Mary McCormack's ass you should check out the movie ''World Traveler'' in which she bares her ''Baba Booty.'' Mr. Skin also says that in the DVD ''Sunny'' we get to see Josie Davis' boobs and the fact that she shaves her private parts. Mr. Skin gave another DVD pick where we get to see Michelle Pfeiffer's boobs, buns and ''nature's jewelry box'' in the movie ''Into the Night.'' Check out MrSkin.com for pictures and clips from those movies.
Howard played a little bit of the latest Counting Crows song ''American Girls'' and ended up talking about what a mess Adam Duritz is with women. He told Robin about this song and how he knows who it's about. As he played the song he'd tell Robin what this chick was doing to Adam and how the relationship was bound to fail. Howard said the relationship was about a week long even though the song makes it sound like it was 7 years.
Howard read an email he got from a prisoner who doesn't like when Henry Hill is on the show. He said he testified a ''friend of ours'' who was sentenced to 20 years to life for murder. He ended up dying of cancer in 1996. The guy wants to come on the show to ask Henry some questions about the case or something like that so he may be on sometime in the future.
Howard quickly played a tape of Benjy interviewing Kim Cattrel from ''Sex and the City.'' Benjy got her outside of the MTV Video Music Awards. He asked her if the rumors about her and Bruce Willis were true. She got all upset about it and ended up walking away. When she asked Benjy who he was with, he told her ''Ebony and Ivory'' and she was fine with that. Benjy also got Jessica Simpson so Howard played that audio clip. He asked her a wacky question about the kids of New York. He also threw in some questions about the clip that Howard played recently where she didn't know that ''Chicken of the Sea'' was tuna fish. She have an annoying ''HA HA'' and joked about that for a second. She walked away as he was asking her if she's still a virgin and if she thinks Britney Spears has become a slut.
Harvey said that he doesn't know if he's selling more comic books now that the movie is coming out. He doesn't seem to think that will happen because most people want to read about super heroes. Harvey said he made a fair amount of money for the movie but it wasn't a lot because it was a low budget film. He said he doesn't know a whole lot about the deal he has for the movie so he doesn't know if he's going to get a lot of money if the movie does well.
Howard asked Harvey what happened between him and David Letterman. He used to do his show a lot but Harvey said Dave wanted him to just do one thing on his show. He said they wanted him to be a parody of himself and he got tired of that. He said they tried to lead him in a direction that they wanted him to go in. He said they were against him doing certain things on the show so he'd just do what he wanted to do. Howard told Harvey that Dave was always good to him but there was a point in his life when he just clicked off. He said that Dave berated him when he did his OJ Simpson jokes during the early periods of that controversy and then Dave started doing jokes about OJ as well. That's when Howard decided to back off from doing the show.
Harvey said he'd do Letterman's show again but he's not sure he's wanted there. Harvey said he started to do a lot of material about GE when Letterman was doing jokes about them but he went a little farther and got into the illegal stuff the company was doing. Howard said he heard that Letterman refuses to even see the movie ''American Splendor'' because they feature the story about Harvey and him in the movie. Howard said he'd go back on Dave's show as well but only if he had something to sell.
Howard said ''American Splendor'' is getting a lot of great reviews so he wondered if it's changed Harvey's life yet. Harvey said it hasn't done anything yet but he's hoping that he gets some freelance writing jobs out of it. He said he just wants to keep his family happy on his pension pay. Howard wondered if he got a better house than the one in the movie. Harvey said he has a nicer house but it's still a mess because he's a sloppy guy and his wife doesn't have the energy to clean up after him.
Howard took a call from Evil David Letterman. Evil Dave said that he doesn't have anything against the guy but he hopes the movie fails. Even Harvey didn't fall for the phony Dave though.
Harvey told Howard about the jobs he's had over his life and about when he got laid and stuff like that as well. Howard told Harvey that he thinks this movie will turn a lot of people on to his comic book.
Howard took a few more phone calls for Harvey and one woman said that Harvey was a real inspiration for her. She said she worked in a comic book store years ago and he called in to apologize for his comic books being late. She said he spent about 20 minutes on the phone with her. She discovered his comic books after that and it inspired her to start doing her own. She said she's not making any money doing that stuff but she had to thank him for inspiring her to do something of her own.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Harvey about the movie and how he seems like a depressed kind of guy. Harvey said he is depressed and he's on Prozac and stuff like that. Howard had to wrap up the interview after that.
Howard also brought up a story they wrote about him, James Woods and David Spade and how they're good lovers according to some of the women who have dated them. Howard said he would love for them to reprint that story at any time.
Howard told Mike about the diarrhea story that Robin told yesterday. That's where she had a about with diarrhea and had to hose herself off out on the streets of Los Angeles on her way back to her hotel. Howard started feeding Mike some other stories that they talked about yesterday like the fact that Stuttering John had genital warts and that Gary had chlamydia at one point. He moved on to the game shortly after that. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories: