Howard talked about how the weekend weather was crappy again in New York. It was raining and cool. Today was supposed to be sunny and 76 degrees so he was kind of pissed about that. Last Thursday was the last nice day they had according to Robin. Howard said he couldn't even get outside on that day because he was so busy.
Howard said he still has to lose like 10 pounds because he's feeling too fat. He said it might actually be 15 pounds. He was talking about this pair of jeans he was wearing and how they're too tight on him. He was saying that these black carpenter pants from The Gap just squeeze his balls to tight. Robin thought that was pretty funny but Howard said she just doesn't know what it's like to have balls. She wondered if they've fallen or something. Howard said they haven't done that but they do get in the way sometimes. He was telling her how sometimes they drop down and sometimes they're almost gone. Artie said he has the same problem. Howard was saying that they seem to disappear when he's having sex. He was thinking that they need to be protected when you're having sex so they disappear.
Howard said he has to buy a car so he ended up talking about that for a short time. He was thinking of getting another truck but he's sick of driving a truck. He said everyone is doing that now so he might just get a car. He said he drove a Cadillac Seville and loved it. He said his friends told him that he's like an old man now. Howard said he told his friends that they're all followers driving trucks and stuff. Gary came in and said that BMWs and Lexus' are more sporty than the Cadillac. Howard said he thought it was pretty sporty. Robin said she just drove one of those as a rental car and there was nothing sporty about it. Howard said his dog would be able to get into a car but she can't get into a truck because she can't jump up. He was also talking about how he tried out this GPS system that the car has and how easy it was to get to where he wanted. Robin said those things are great because they can even get you back on track if you make a wrong turn or miss your turn. Howard said the thing wasn't perfect but it was helpful on side streets that he didn't know. Howard said the woman's voice on the GPS wasn't all that annoying either. He said it was kind of pleasant but Robin said she finds it very annoying. Gary told Howard that Hummers are also big in the celebrity world of cars. He told Howard how they come in wacky colors like bright yellow now. Gary said he rode in one and it was a great ride. Howard said he rode in Betty Thomas' one time and it was kind of strange inside. Gary asked Howard if he'd be interested in a convertible. He said he can't do that because everyone looks at him. He claims that one time a fan jumped into his car when he had a convertible about 10 years ago. Gary talked about how a lot of people are driving those PT Cruisers too. Artie said if Herman Munster was a fruit, that's the car he would have driven.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy asked Howard why he doesn't use any of the diet supplements that are advertised on his show to lose it. Howard said he just doesn't take supplements and knows that he can lose the weight without them. He said he doesn't have a problem with those advertisers, he just doesn't use them himself. Another caller told Howard to stop complaining about his weight like that. The guy also brought up a Kidd Chris phony phone call that he's heard him do with the New Jersey Douche Cow. Howard said they'd have to talk to Kidd Chris about that. He likes his prank calls.
Howard was talking about how some guys do worry about their weight unlike what the caller had just said. He said he skipped lunch the day before as an experiment. Artie said he wishes he could get in on that conversation but he wasn't skipping any meals. Howard said he was cursing out Artie just thinking about him when he skipped his lunch.
Howard said they're having some Scores girls in today because they're going to be having a Scores party on Thursday after the show. Fred threw in Pink's ''Get the Party Started'' song and that led to Howard talking about how overplayed that song has gotten.
Gary said that Ronnie the Limo Driver and Doug Goodstein hand picked the Scores girls themselves on Friday night. Howard said there's someone there at the station he doesn't want going to the party on Thursday because he's a traitor. He wouldn't say who it was but he kept calling him ''fatso'' so I'd assume he was talking about Mike Gange going to L.A. To visit Scott Einziger. I could be wrong. He said he's got parties he can go to out in L.A. instead. He didn't want to say on the air who it was though.
Howard said Fred won't be able to make it to the party either because he's doing something with his daughter that day. Fred said it's got something to do with taking his daughter to a Jewish naming ceremony. After talking to Fred about that for a few seconds Howard said he had to take a break. Howard said he had a Jewish name and it was Svee. Artie said his Catholic name was Anthony. Howard said it was just a random name that he was given since ''Howard'' didn't have a Hebrew equivalent. Howard said he had a friend by the name of Mark who ended up being called Mendel which ended up being ''Mental'' to the other kids. He said that kid actually ended up really being mental after having to go through that name calling. Artie said he knew a kid who was Manuel and kids used to call him Manu-smell. Howard had to take his first break of the morning after that.
Howard said they got a lot of mail about their George Takei goofing last week. He said a lot of people loved it but there were people who hated it as well. Howard took a call from a guy who said he hated it. He said it was the most self indulgent thing he'd ever heard. Howard read the guy some of the e-mail he got about it and there were a lot of people who loved it. The guy said almost everyone in the newsgroups hated the stuff as well. Howard told the guy to just go listen to another show if he didn't find it funny. The guy went on and on about how he used to listen to Howard when he was still funny. He told Howard his show is like a bad train wreck that has become a bad habit. Howard said even his own general manager hates everything he does. Howard suggested going to listen to the Howard Stern imitators out there because they're probably doing some of his old bits anyway.
Howard said that you have to check out George Takei's web site because he sells some interesting stuff there. He told Robin about some of the wacky pictures he sells there on his site. He has photos that he sells and even has pictures of himself that you can check out. Howard was looking at some of the pictures and telling Robin about those as well. You can find that site at GeorgeTakei.com.
Howard took a call from a guy who told him how funny the George Takei stuff was last week. He said that other guy doesn't know what he was talking about. Another caller asked what Fred has been calling his baby since it was born if they didn't have a name yet. Howard told the guy the baby is named Tess but they're going to be doing a Hebrew naming ceremony.
Howard talked about this movie ''Finding Nemo'' that went to number 1 over the weekend. He and Robin talked about how Jim Carrey's movie was dropped down to number 2 and ''The Italian Job'' did pretty well with $19 million. ''The Matrix Reloaded'' dropped down another spot but brought in another $15 million according to what Howard said. Howard said he also heard about this movie ''Bend it Like Beckem'' that's supposed to be pretty good. He said his hair dresser Toni told him it was really good and his daughter should see it. Howard said he saw a movie about kids in spelling bees. He had some audio clips of this guy talking about how they do the spelling and how they teach the kids to spell the words out in their head first and then go over it in their head until they have it right. He had another clip of a mother talking about how proud she'll be when her child graduates with honors. Howard said it was pretty depressing. The movie was called ''Spellbound.'' Robin was telling the guys about this documentary she saw where this kid had a father who was a pedophile and grew up to be a party clown. She said the whole thing was very strange and you've never seen a clown like this. She didn't say what the name of that one was though.
Howard talked about the Scores party again and about the one person he doesn't want at the party. He still wasn't saying who that person is though. Gary said there are some people who are rearranging their schedules just for the Scores party because it's been so long since the last one. Howard had to take a break after talking about that for a few seconds.
Howard was talking about how Jennifer Lopez is preparing for her wedding to Ben Affleck and how just a year ago she was preparing for her last wedding. He wondered why she's not embarrassed by that fact.
Howard said he saw a picture of Claire Danes on the cover of Marie Claire recently and it's obvious to him that she got a nose job and isn't as cute as she used to be. He also brought up how good Mike Wallace on ''60 Minutes'' looks for someone who is 81 years old. He and the guys talked about how young he looks and how he's kept it together for a guy that old.
Howard said there's this small group of guys he likes to have at Scores and there are certain people who haven't been working there very long who are insulted that they're not invited to the party on Thursday. He said he doesn't need a bunch of guys looking at him while he's there. Howard said it's nothing personal and it was very weird to have Benjy there for the first time so he doesn't want more guys there. He told them not to be insulted by it because it's just weird being him.
Howard said Jewel will be on Jay Leno's ''The Tonight Show'' tonight. He wondered if it will be the new Jewel or not. Robin said she's pretty sure it will be. He quickly moved on to talk about how bodybuilders are taking these new AIDS drugs because they're growth hormones and help them build up their muscles. He read an article about it and talked about what a scandal it's become.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and said that he was with Jewel last night at a concert and he's right about how hot she's gotten. He said the concert wasn't all that great though. He and Howard talked about these concerts that the local radio stations run where they have a ton of bands that only play their hits. They then have to set up for the next band and it takes like 45 minutes between sets. Chaunce talked about how this guy Elvis Duran from Z100 was killing time between the bands and it was very strange. Chaunce said Britney Spears was also there as was Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. Chaunce said the press room was really bad because you wait around for an hour for an artist to talk for about 2 minutes. Chaunce told Howard about some of the other bands he saw there at the concert. He didn't know all that much about the bands though. Howard had to look in the paper to see who else was there. Chaunce said that they weren't able to ask Jewel any questions while she was there. Howard said that her mother is apparently still running things and that's what's going on there. Howard found the article in the paper and said that Mariah Carey was at the concert. Chuance said Lisa Marie Presley was also there. Howard said it looked like Lisa Marie has gained some weight since she was on his show.
Howard said Chaunce did an interview with Frank Stallone recently and asked him why his mother hasn't been on Howard's show lately. It turns out he and his brother asked her to stop going on because she was ruining their lives. Frank told Chaunce that Sylvester Stallone was buying her lavish gifts just to keep her from doing the show. Howard thought that was pretty funny.
Howard talked about how this actor Richard Chamberlain has finally come out of the closet and is saying he's gay. Howard said we've all known that for years so it's no shock to anyone out there.
Howard brought up this guy Eric Rudolph that was just caught over the weekend. He's known as the ''Olympic bomber'' and was caught while going through a dumpster behind a grocery store. Howard and the guys talked about that for a short time and got back to Richard Chamberlain again. Howard said women used to go nuts for that guy. Howard went through some of the TV shows and movies he was in years ago.
Howard said they're saying that Mariah Carey may have her own radio show on WNEW in New York but he can't imagine she'd be able to do that every day. He said there's no way she could do that every day though even if they put the microphone in her bedroom. Chaunce said they'd have to pretape a show like that and then they'd have to edit it and it would suck.
Howard took a really strange call from a guy who wasn't making any sense. He was rambling about a bunch of things that just didn't make a bit of sense. Howard asked him what he did for a living and it turns out he worked for a circus or something. The guy even gave out his full name and where he lived when he got on the air. Howard had to get off the phone with him because it was so strange. Fred was playing some ''Twilight Zone'' music in the background as the guy was talking.
Howard said Kidd Chris sent him another interview he did with George Takei one time. In the clip Kidd Chris calls him and takes some phone calls for him. They were asking some odd questions about Skittles candies. They were also asking some wacky Star Trek questions. One phony caller asked him if he was ever shot by a phaser while on the set. Takei reminded the guy it was acting. Another guy asked Takei if he ever had the urge to eat his dog since he was ''oriental.'' Takei ended up hanging up on them after that question.
Howard talked about this ''American Special Idol'' idea of his again. He was talking about how he's going to put the album out himself if he has to for the winner. Gary came in a short time later and said that he thinks it's a great idea. Howard said they want to find someone who is really good, not just any retard who sings. Howard and the guys were still trying to figure out how they're going to do this. Howard said they can have three record company guys come in to judge the contestants. Howard said they need mentally disabled people, not physically disabled people like Jeff the Drunk. Howard said they'll be picking the songs that the contestants will perform each week. He said the contest will go on for as many weeks as they need it to. Howard told Gary to get the rules for the Special Olympics to use as the rules for their contest. Howard said someone like Crackhead Bob who used to be smart but was rendered retarded after overdosing on crack, might be eligible. Jeff the Drunk called in and said he just heard about the contest but Howard told him he wouldn't qualify for it. Gary found out some of the rules for the Special Olympics. He read that they have to be at least 8 years old and have to have been diagnosed with specific things like mental retardation or cognitive delays or something like that. Howard said they'll have to talk to some other people about this and get the rules in place. He took a break a short time later.
Howard quickly moved on and read some e-mail that they've gotten recently. He read through some of the stuff and someone said they'd love to see Gary and Stuttering John get in the ring together. Gary came in and said he thinks that he could take John on and he'd do pretty well. Gary said he had a strange dream about that and actually got beaten by John in the dream though. Gary said their fight ate away at him all weekend and it was really bothering him. Gary said now the office is in disarray because of the fight though so it's really bothering him. He said John's negative comments and reactions to his comments about his work ethic have caused a lot of issues. John came in and said that they both said some things about each other during those survey's KC did last week. John was upset that Gary put him down for all of the negative categories they had. Gary said that's the way he feels about him so that's why he put his name in those categories. Stuttering John said he would like to be on the air and do some writing since he can't do the celebrity interviews he used to do. He gets kicked out before he gets into those events now. Howard told him to come up with something new to do then. Howard said he doesn't think John is ever going to be good in the office and if Gary wants to fire him, he has his permission to do that. Gary said he just doesn't want to get crap from John back in the office. John said he and Gary still go over stuff before they go on the air with it. Gary said John gets really insulted if people don't show up to his party for some reason. John said he doesn't get upset though, he just has one party a year and likes to have people there who he likes. Gary ended up talking about how John will suggest to him to get a band and throw a party like his party when he doesn't really want to do something like that. John said Howard was complaining about that as well though so it wasn't just him.
A listener called in and said he'd be willing to put up $50,000 to see the two of them fight. Howard asked John if he'd fight Gary. John said he'd do it but they do get together socially once in a while and they get along when they do that. John said Gary gets mad at him when he goofs on him so he's not going to do that anymore. Gary said he wasn't asking John not to goof on him though.
Howard took a bunch of phone calls about the argument and some people just want them to move on to other stuff and get back to entertaining instead of fighting.
A listener called in and brought up the stuff Howard was saying about Roman Polanski. He was saying that Polanski was set up and he should check his facts about that. Howard asked the guy what it was about Polanski that makes him so great. He said that he's a great film maker. Howard told him to name his ''great'' movies. Howard said he'd give him ''Rosemary's Baby'' but there really isn't anything that great other than that. The caller mentioned ''The Fearless Vampire Killers'' and said that he really thinks that Polanski was set up. He was telling Howard that he doesn't know the whole story but Robin said the guy sounds like he doesn't know the whole story either. Howard ended up hanging up on the guy. He was wondering where the Scores girls were because he wanted to check them out. They were getting ready so Howard had to kill some time. He had tape of Larry King interviewing a psychic by the name of Sylvia Brown that he played. In the clips he played Larry asks her about her ''powers.'' Howard and Gary talked about what a scam those psychics are and wondered how they get away with what they do. Howard said he likes how they do it with a straight look on their face. Howard said Benjy worked for a psychic hotline and they have a whole script you can use to tell people what they want to hear. Gary came in and said that he's gone to a psychic and they tell you nothing really. Howard said wanted to go to a psychic and tell the woman what he really thought of the reading but his girlfriend wouldn't allow him to do that. Howard continued to play the Larry King interview and goofed on the crap the psychic was feeding the gullible callers. Larry would ask the psychic serious questions about the dead people contacting live people. Artie was goofing on Sylvia's voice which sounds like she's been smoking for 50 years. He was making jokes about how she'd ask Larry to light up some tobacco and shove it down her throat and stuff like that. Howard had to take a break after that before getting to the Scores girls.
Howard said they had this young kid Jamie (JD Harmeyer) sitting in today because he's never gotten laid. He works for them and watches TV all day long. Jamie said the farthest he's gotten is second base. Howard had the kid take his hat off to see what was under that. Artie said it looked like he had to much brain.
Gary said Lonnie is great at introductions as well. He said when he was in the green room earlier Lonnie was telling the girls to stop talking because Gary, the ''cog that helps make the Howard Stern machine run'' was standing there. Artie said when he goes to Scores, you'd think his movie ''Dirty Work'' was ''Casablanca'' or something.
The guys brought in the first dancer, 20 year old Leah. She claims that her boobs are real but the guys found that hard to believe. Lonnie said she was stunning when she came in for the first time. She's brand new at Scores so Lonnie said he's not sure how good a dancer she is. They had her practice a little for Jamie the 23 year old virgin. Jamie said it was ''very nice'' as she was dancing for him. Howard asked Lonnie to get the girls loaded before they get there on Thursday because it makes for a better party.
Howard had the guys bring in Liz next. Howard thought she was hot as well. She was also just 20 years old. Gary said she looks kind of like Katie Holmes but better looking. Howard asked that the girls not wear perfume because they always end up going home stinking like that. They also asked that they not wear glitter. Lonnie said they took care of the glitter problem a while ago. Howard told Lonnie that he's outdone himself with these girls. Lonnie told Howard that Liz is also all natural.
Howard talked to Jamie a bit about the girls he's made out with and felt up. He said he hasn't had one since 1998 so he really could use this party. They found out that Jamie doesn't like to drink which surprised Howard. Howard and Artie couldn't believe that and said he's got to take him out drinking.
Lonnie told Howard what they're going to do for Jamie when he's at the party. They're going to surround him with hot chicks until his head explodes. Artie wondered how a guy doesn't get laid and doesn't drink to forget about that fact.
Howard had the guys bring in the next girl, Claudia. She's from Hungary so she had a bit of an accent. She also claims that she doesn't have implants. Howard talked to her about her stripping and how he's looking forward to seeing her at the party.
Next up was Yolana. Howard asked her to marry him as soon as he saw her. She said she's Columbian and has been in the country for 4 years. She's only 19 years old. She told Howard that she's also got real boobs. The next girl came in a short time later. Her name was India and she's Puerto Rican. She was 21 years old and said she's been dancing for about a year. She claims she doesn't have a boyfriend so Howard introduced her to Jamie. Howard told the girls that he's Donald Trump's son go get them interested in him. Howard then brought in Roxanne. She had a Russian accent. All of the girls were claiming that they had real boobs. Heather came in next and Gary said there's no way they're real but she swears that they are. She said they're 34-DD and they are real. Gary said that when he asked Jamie to go to the Scores party, he had to get back to him. Jamie said he had to check with his other job before he could commit. Howard told him to quit that job already then. Jamie said he has given them his two weeks notice.
Gary asked Howard which one of the girls he'd like to get his first lap dance from. Howard checked them all out and said he might have to go with India. Jamie said he really liked Leah.
Lonnie wanted to get the party started early so he had the girls go over to the guys and start dancing for them. Howard had Yolana dancing for him and each of the other guys had their own chicks to dance for them. Howard told Lonnie that he's the ''Pied Piper of Poon Tang.'' He told the girls what to do and they did it. They said that Jamie had two women at once and he didn't know where to look first. He had India on his lap and said it felt nice. Howard had to take a break so he told Lonnie what a great guy he was and wrapped up the segment.
Howard came back from break and took some phone calls. One guy called in and had a story about Gary being on a cruise one time back in 1992. He claims that Gary was hitting on a couple of chicks after he got drunk. The guy claims that he ended up hitting on Gary's wife and Gary got pissed. Gary said he remembered the guy, he called him the big drunk guy from Long Island. He said he was drunk the whole time they were on the cruise. Gary figured he just wanted to get on the air so Howard bailed out on the call. He had Robin start her news a short time later.
Howard was talking about the ''Booey Maguire'' clip they had playing at the start of the show. He said he loves that tape Gary made for an ex-girlfriend years ago. He went on to talk about going to dinner with Gary last night. He said Gary was in the city late yesterday so they went out and had dinner. Howard was saying that Robin has said stuff about Gary no being a nice guy but after having dinner with him he figures he's a really nice guy. He joked that they spent all night talking about Stuttering John but Gary said it came up but he didn't want to go down that road with him. Gary said when people see Beth or Howard's dog walking down the street everyone stops to talk to either the dog or Beth. Howard said some people won't even look at you, they just look at the dog and talk to her. Howard said when they do look at him, they run off screaming. Gary said he was home by ten past eight last night after leaving Howard's apartment at 6:50. Howard said Gary wanted to pay for dinner but Howard ended up picking up the bill instead. They said they had a lot of fun out eating. Gary said he was telling Beth how he'd just changed to June in her calendar. He also had some tips for her new one but Howard told him that the photographers screwed up all of the pictures they took for the second one and she's not going to be doing that again. Howard said she's having trouble getting the money she's owed for that as well because the company is claiming they're bankrupt. Gary said she should let him be in charge of the calendar. He said if John took the pictures they'd probably come out great as well.
Howard took a call from a woman who told Howard how funny the George Takei stuff he and Artie were doing the other day was. They started doing it again but restrained themselves from doing it again. The woman also brought up how Howard said Artie looked like a hobo out with his girlfriend in Las Vegas . Howard had to get off the phone with the woman because some of her requests were kind of strange.
Howard asked Fred if he knows what his daughter's Hebrew name is going to be. Fred didn't know yet because they haven't gone to that baby naming thing yet. That happens on Thursday. Howard had to take a break after saying the show would be all about chicks today. They have Playboy Playmate Devin Devasquez coming in and a couple of Penthouse Pets as well. Tomorrow they have a guy coming in to have a pizza eating contest against Artie.
Howard also quickly mentioned that it was Mike Gange who he was talking about yesterday not being invited to the Scores party because he's still hanging out with Scott Einziger who was part of that whole ''Are You Hot'' rip off scandal.
Howard moved on to other stuff and brought up that baseball player Roger Clemens is a ''dirty bastard'' throwing pitches at player's heads on purpose and stuff like that when he plays. That led to the guys having a discussion about that and how he says it's just ''part of the game'' and seems proud of the fact that he does that. He and the guys talked about that for a short time. Howard then pointed out that he's wearing Matt Schneider from the Detroit Red Wings jersey today. He said usually a guy like that sends his jersey to a chick but he sent it to him. Howard said Schneider was traded to the Red Wings from the L.A. Kings and he's a friend of his so he's wearing the jersey. He and the guys talked about hockey for a couple of minutes.
Gary brought up Mike Wallace from ''60 Minutes'' and how Howard was right about how great he looks for an 81 year old guy. They talked about how the guy is still in good shape and can speak like a younger man unlike most 80 year old guys. Howard used his father as an example. They got back to Matt Schneider for a minute but Howard said he had to thank this guy for hooking him up with this air hockey game he got recently. He said the game, made by Spaulding, is great but the automatic scoring goes out on him sometimes. He said the game says ''YES!'' when you score and it's cool but it craps out on him sometimes. Howard had to explain the game to Robin because she'd never played air hockey. Howard said he has some fun playing and wouldn't mind taking on Robin in a tournament. Howard said he wishes he knew the guy's name but he didn't have the plug for him. He said he's going to get some other games from the guy as well. He wants to get an outdoor ping pong table. Gary said that's his game and could beat the guys from the show at that. Howard eventually got the plug for the company. He said it was Regent Sports Corporation in Hauppauge, Long Island. He gave the guy's name but couldn't pronounce it very well.
Howard said the other day when they did the survey's on the show about who's ugly and stuff like that, Benjy ended up crying after the show. Benjy said he's been seeing this girl lately and she told him how mean they were to him and he ended up balling. He said she didn't run off screaming though so Howard said she might be a keeper then. Benjy went on to say that he had a dream about Robin chasing him around after he was spraying Pam in the studio or something wacky like that. He said she ended up chasing him out into traffic. Howard told Benjy that people like him there and he shouldn't be crying over that stuff. Even Benjy wasn't sure what made him cry though. He couldn't figure out which category it was that drove him over the edge.
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and told Howard they also have an outdoor pool table that's pretty cool. He also had some info about TV shows that are canceled. He mentioned ''Are You Hot?'' and said that ''The Drew Carey Show'' isn't on the schedule but hasn't been officially canceled yet. Then there was ''My Big Fat Greet Life'' that was canceled. He went through a bunch of others like ''Becker,'' ''Mr. Personality,'' ''Married by America,'' ''Just Shoot Me'' and Andy Richter's show. They talked about how weird it is when some of those shows just die off all of a sudden. Howard ended up playing a clip of Les Moonves (also known as a snake according to Howard) talking about ratings at the CBS up front meeting. Howard said he's ''looney'' and is obsessed with other networks. Howard goofed on Les for a short time. Chaunce also mentioned how unlucky Scott Foley was losing his TV show ''A. USA'' and his wife Jennifer Garner this season. Howard played some other clips of Les talking about the other network shows. Howard and the guys pointed out how vicious Les is when he talks out against other networks like that. Howard said Les isn't as bad as Jim Perritore and Bruce Rosenblum from Telepictures though. He put the word out again that he wants to know as much about them as possible. Chaunce got in a few more TV shows that have been canceled lately before Howard had to take a break. Howard said he was going to go record his song parody during the break. As he was about to go to break though, this guy called in claiming to be the ''Virginia State Air Hockey Champion.'' There is no such thing, the guy said he just made that up but he thinks he is the champ. He said he rules in the arcades in Virginia. Howard said he will put up some money against some people though and will take on some people. Stuttering John said he's in. Howard said they're going to have a whole tournament put together where they can have thousands of guys playing. He had to take his break right after that.
Howard promoted tonight's E! show and said that they have Christina Santiago on tonight's show. He talked about how Robin Radzinski tried to get his interview with Jim Carrey in for an Emmy Nomination but they were told it's too late for that to happen. Howard said it's funny how E! never thinks of doing that themselves. Robin Radzinski came in and said that the cut off date has passed and it's too late to get those shows nominated. Howard figures they probably sent in the Anna Nicole Smith show but not his.
Howard played some more clips of Les Moonves rambling on and on trying to be funny. He joked about the ''Are You Hot?'' TV show so Howard and Robin pointed out that he ended up hiring the guys that got that show on the air. Howard said they're credited as the ''creators'' but they just stole the idea from him.
Howard said he had a bunch of tape he could play this morning. One of them was comedian Doug Stanhope calling in to check if they could do this bit on ''The Man Show'' since he's the new host. The bit was ''To Tell the Truth'' with a couple of transsexuals and a straight guy. Howard said they've done that a bunch of times but Doug is a cool guy and he appreciates him calling in to ask permission to do it before they actually did it.
Howard had some Dr. Phil clips to play as well. Dr. Phil talks to a couple about losing a child in one of the clips. Howard said he'd be embarrassed to do something like that on TV. He doesn't understand how that guy became a star.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's looking forward to the new cartoon he's got coming out next year called ''Howard Stern The High School Years.'' Howard said that's going to be on TNN which is changing it's name to Spike soon. He said they're having their ''up front'' out at the Playboy mansion in the near future and he was invited. Howard said he'd like to be there but the trip out there would be a nightmare. He ended up talking about the cartoon with the guy who called in. Howard said the network is going to be running a block of great cartoons. He said they're actually going to be doing new Ren and Stimpy episodes along with his ''Howard Stern the High School Years,'' Pam Anderson in ''Striperella'' and another one called ''Gary the Rat'' which is Kelsey Grammer's project. He said he's seen some of ''Gary the Rat'' and it's pretty good. The guy who called in was talking to Howard about how E! never promotes his show on the network. Howard said that is kind of weird. He and the caller also talked about E! not submitting his show for an Emmy.
Another guy called in and told Howard that his father, who was a big fan, recently passed away. He also said that the same week his girlfriend broke up with him for another woman. Howard ended up doing his Dr. Phil impression and tried talking to him in the same way Dr. Phil did with the couple who lost their child. He did it in a funny way though and told the guy his daddy was up in heaven laughing at him because he lost the chick to another chick. The caller said he and this chick had a threesome with another chick and that's what led to her leaving him for her. Howard felt bad for the guy so he gave him a $500 prize courtesy of the new Terminator 2 DVD. Howard also told the guys to order a bunch of Dr. Phil coffee mugs so he could give those away. He said they could put them up in the studio to remind them of what a rip off show business is. He took a break shortly after that.
Devin talked about how she called Howard and left a message for him but Howard said she thought she was calling someone else at the time. Howard quickly moved on and asked Devin to talk about dating Prince back in the Purple Rain days but she didn't want to talk about that. She didn't want to talk about a bunch of things that she brought up. She said she's getting into TV and movie production now. You can also check her out on ClubDevin.com. She said she has some clips of these shows she's producing. She didn't want to talk about that stuff that much though. She said she would rather talk about her and Howard. She said she heard that they're going to Scores this week and she's the type of girl who would go to Scores with him. Howard seemed to find that kind of interesting. He asked her if she's a dirty girl who likes to hear a guy talk dirty to her. They talked about that for a minute and Howard told her that he recorded himself with a girl where he makes her call him names. He was going to play the clip from ''Storytelling'' featuring Selma Blair saying ''Nigga F*** Me Hard!'' over and over again but he wasn't able to find it.
Howard wanted to get into it with Devin about Prince but she really didn't want to talk about him. She kept saying she'd rather talk about Howard. Devin said that Prince doesn't like to be talked about and she doesn't want to get into that. Howard asked her to show him what she did to Prince sexually. She wouldn't do that either. She did talk about how she met Prince though. She said they actually ended up getting into a car wreck the night they went out. She claims that he didn't come on to her that much and she refused to tell Howard anything about whether or not they had sex. She said she doesn't kiss and tell. She then invited Howard to go on a trip to Cabo with her. She described what would happen if they went there together. She mentioned playing golf but Robin told her there's only one hole Howard wants to play, and it's not golf. Devin said they could have other chicks as well. She also said Howard could spank her and pull her hair.
A listener called in and told Howard that this chick is so desperate that he doesn't think Howard should keep talking to her.
Howard took a couple of other calls and Devin kept telling Howard how great he was to the women in his movie. Howard had to remind her that it was just a movie though. He asked her if she's ever thought about him while pleasuring herself. She said she doesn't think like that and hasn't thought about Howard while doing that. Howard tried to find out what she thinks about when she's using a vibrator. She said there is no one special she thinks about when she does that. Howard said she wouldn't be interested in him then.
Howard took calls from Jeff the Drunk and some other guys. One guy called in as Prince and told her to talk about how they did anal. She said she's not into that either. Devin brought up how Howard spanked her when she was on the show again. One phone caller told Howard to get her off the air already. She told Howard that she wanted him to spank her but he wasn't into it. He said he's past that and they should do other stuff now. Howard started to wrap up the segment a short time later. Devin seemed a little upset Howard wasn't into her more than he was. She said that Howard isn't married now so she wanted to get to know him better. She said he spanked her back when she was on the last time but he wouldn't do anything today. Howard said he doesn't want to spank her again though. He said he's not a homo, he's just done that already. Howard told Devin he'd play some music and butt-bongo her ass if she wanted but she wasn't into it either. KC came in and said that she's been squawking about how she wants Howard to spank her for a half hour and now that he's offering to do it, she won't. Howard let a couple of other callers say some stuff to her. One guy suggested that Howard spank her with a 2x4 until she stops talking. Howard gave her a couple of plugs for her web site and the other stuff she was plugging. For some reason Devin didn't seem too happy with the way the interview went but Howard had to end it anyway. He said he'd talk to her during the break to see what the problem was.
Howard and Robin talked about this SARS virus for a minute and then got on the subject of Jay Leno and David Letterman ratings wars. Howard said there's a big deal being made because Leno is beating Letterman in the New York City ratings because it's Letterman's home town. Artie said they talk about each of their most well known bits and they show Letterman as having the Top 10 list and Leno's big bit is Jay Walking where he questions dopey people like they've been doing on the show for years.
Howard had a bunch of tape to play. He had more tape of this psychic Sylvia Brown being interviewed on Larry King's show. In one clip a listener asks her about this Amazing Randy challenge that she's refused to do because the guy won't put money in escrow for the challenge. Howard played another clip where a woman asks Sylvia if she's going to have any more major surgeries in her life. Sylvia tells her she's going to have some anal canal surgeries but she'll come out of it just fine. Howard and ARtie did their impressions of Larry and his horrible interviewing style for a short time. Howard also played tape of a news report about NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon and his wife's divorce. His wife is apparently claiming that his job isn't that dangerous or some crap like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who had a problem with his wife having an affair. Howard asked the guy some questions about their marriage and found out they have a bunch of kids. They have five all together but two are his, two are hers and one is theirs. Howard told the guy the woman is no good and it's time to move on. He figures the judge will find for the guy and it shouldn't be a problem to get custody of the kid. Howard played some clips for Roger Alan Wade's ''Shoot Her in the Ass with a BB Gun'' and ''She's Gone Back To Whoring'' for the guy before getting off the air.
Howard said things out in the office have gone nuts. He said Gange is upset that Howard is mad at him for going to hang out wiht Scott Einziger out in California recently. Howard let Gange come in and apologize to him but he didn't seem to care. Robin said that Gange told her that he might go out to visit Scott but he was ''torn'' over the situation. Howard said the only reason he's apologizing is because he found out about it. If he didn't know, he wouldn't apologize. Gange said it wasn't a big deal to him and he just stopped by and said hi to the traitor Einziger. Gange said he does stuff like that because he's a nice guy. He also said he was just there for ''a few minutes.'' Howard said it wasn't Stuttering John who told him about it either. Howard wanted that to be clear because John didn't tell him that and Gange thinks he did. Howard told Gange that Einziger is going places, he steals better than anyone else out there. Howard said there's no loyalty to the show there. He said Gange thinks Einziger got him the job with E! when it was actually him. He said he's learned where Scott really is and he's a ''skunk.'' Gange apologized and said he knows he screwed up. Howard told Gange that he's not pissed at him anymore. He said he never talks to him off the air as it is so it's not going to be any different to him. Howard took a few phone calls from listeners who thought Gange should be given a week off without pay for what he did. Howard said he doesn't work that way though. Gange said that he didn't even bring up the whole lawsuit thing when he went out to visit Scott Einziger. Howard also pointed out that Gange is dating a former intern from the show so he's gotten quite a bit of stuff from being on the show. Robin said even after all of that, he can't make up his mind which side to take. Howard continued to take a couple of phone calls and one of them was Al Rosenberg. Al joked that he'd gone to lunch with the guys from the FCC as if he'd stabbed Howard in the back as well. Al also told Howard about this comedy show that's billing some comedians as ''The Howard Stern Comedians'' which Gange said must be Stuttering JOhn. John came flying in and started telling Howard that's how weird Gange is because he has nothing to do wtih that. Gange also apparenlty blamed John for telling Howard that he went to the Scott Einziger party. Howard wanted Gange to leave the studio but Gange wondered if Howard would be ignoring him in the hallway from now on. Howard said he probably will.
Stephanie is up for Penthouse Pet of the Year this year. She said that she was in the magazine back in 2001. Howard asked the girls if they're going to be appearing at this strip club or not. Stephanie said they won't be there and she's never done any stripping. She said the Penthouse girls will be making appearances there at the club but not stripping. Howard told them that if they want this club to take off, they have to have the Pets stripping.
Howard asked the girls how old they are. Martina is only 19 and Stephanie is 24. Howard said he can date a 24 year old but not a 19 year old. Stephanie said she's got a boyfriend so Howard wondered why she'd do that. She said he's a 32 year old guy. Howard asked her how many guys she's been with. She said it's only been 4 guys so Howard said she couldn't be done banging different guys yet. He said with that body she's going to be out banging guys like crazy. Stephanie said that she has brought home chicks for her boyfriend but he's not allowed to have sex with them because it's too weird for her.
Stephanie talked about how many girls come on to her when she's out on the beach in a bathing suit. Howard asked to see her boobs shortly after that so they both whipped them out. Both of them had implants but Howard said they looked really good. Howard asked Stephanie about picking up chicks and how easy it is down in St. Martin. She said you just have to ask if they want to have a good time and they'll go back with you. She described the woman they picked up the last time they were down there. She said it's a lot of fun and suggested that Howard give it a try. She was giving Howard a bunch of details about what went on. Howard also asked Martina if she's into stuff like that. She said she's not into girls that much but she does do some stuff for her web site.
Howard read that Martina was in a porn magazine when she was only 16 over in England. She said it's legal over there at that age. She lost her virginity at 15 and had her first lesbian experience at 16. Howard also read that Stephanie lost hers at 16 and likes to smoke pot about 3 times a week. She said it probably wasn't that much though. Howard read that she teaches aerobics classes so he had her showing the guys what she does for those classes. Howard said it was pretty hot.
Howard asked the girls if they've had sex in strange places. Stephanie said she had sex in a club one time down in South Beach. She said her boyfriend just bent her over a rail and banged her. Howard thought that was pretty hot. She said she wears tiny outfits when she goes out like that.
Howard asked the girls to get into bikinis for them. Martina said she wouldn't do it but Stephanie said she had no problem doing that. The guys hooked her up with a yellow bikini and sent her off to the bathroom to change. Martina wanted to give Howard a special dildo she brought with her but Howard wasn't interested. A short time later she agreed to get into a bikini as well. Howard gave them a plug for the Penthouse Executive Club web site PenthouseExecutiveClub.com
Stephanie came out in her bikini a short time later and Howard said she looked amazing. He had her turn around to check out her ass. He said it was the sickest body he'd ever seen. She told Howard how much she loves anal sex and Howard told her that she might be one of the most delightful girls he's had on the show. Howard said she's hot, nice and likes to talk about her life and the crazy stuff she does. Martina came out a minute later and Howard said her body was a big surprise. She was wearing a lot of clothes when she came in earlier and she looked great with the bikini on. The girls will be at the Penthouse Executive Club tonight for an invitation only opening. Friday night is the grand opening for the public. Howard said he's a loyal Scores guy but he might have to follow these girls around a bit. He talked to them about their shaving habits and stuff like that as well before wrapping up the interview.
Another caller said that Howard was in the NY Times crossword puzzle today. He said the clue was ''Issac and Howard.'' Howard and the guys ended up moving into the news after Artie brought up the story about Ryan Seacrest being the host of the new ''Junior American Idol'' show. Howard said that's a big mistake and should mean it's near the end of the ''American Idol'' thing. He seems to think that will be ruined soon. Robin started her news and continued to talk about that story. A little later a guy called in claiming that he heard his girlfriend's mother moaning his name when he walked past her room one day. The guy claims that now she is very flirty around him. The guy was wondering if he should do the mother or not. Howard said if he was the guy, he'd do the mother. Howard said he'd never do that with his girlfriend's mother but she'd never do something like that. After discussing it with the guy for a short time Howard said he probably wouldn't do it with this woman either. The guy said the mother reminds him of Suzanne Somers so Howard told him he would do her. He was flip flopping back and forth on whether or not he'd do it. The caller told Howard that he really likes his girlfriend. Howard told him to just go for it because when he eventually breaks up with this girl, he'll have a great story to tell. He had Robin get back to her news after that quick story.
A listener called in and asked Howard what ever happened to the bit Fred used to do called ''Guess Who's the Jew.'' Howard wasn't sure and asked Fred what was up with that. Fred said he'd have something ready for tomorrow's show.
Fran Baskerville, ''The Singing Psychic,'' called in late in the show to talk about what a phony that Sylvia Brown is. She said she's seen her doing her thing and doesn't believe that she's able to contact the dead like she claims she can. She said she sounds like a schizo or something. The guys got a laugh out of that. She said her grandfather came to her when she was in her accident years ago but other than that, she doesn't think dead people contact live people that often. Fran had a quick prediction to make so she played some music in the background and sang her prediction. She told the guys that she predicts that the NY Knicks would be taking the pennant against the Spurs. Fran didn't know that the Knicks were already out of it. The guys told her that The Nets were still in it but she thought they said the Mets. She said they're already out of it as well. Howard said she doesn't even know who the Nets are and she's a psychic herself. Howard had to get off the phone with her after trying to explain it to her.
Howard said he was checking out HowardStern.com because they have the picture of him with Siegfried and Roy with ARtie and his girlfriend. Artie is dressed like a slob compared to everyone else so Howard wanted everyone to see that mismatch. Howard also pointed out how ''horribly tall'' he is compared to everyone else. He said he doesn't realize it until he sees himself standing next to other people. He said he looks like a giraffe next to everyone else. He said he decided to start standing up straight because he knows he looks better that way but he banged his head into a staircase when he did that yesterday. He was also complaining about the ceiling height of the studio he works in because he asked for extra tall ceilings when they moved into the studio they're in now. They have all kinds of cameras and lights hanging from the studio ceiling now and he has to watch his head constantly.
Benjy came walking in around 6:05 so Howard asked him what he was up to. Benjy said he'd just gotten there because he couldn't find his wallet. Howard asked him to just wait until he takes his first break before he just walks in like that. He said it's just another scream for attention from Benjy. He told him that some day when he has his own radio show, his ''Benjy'' will walk in late and he'll see how it feels.
Howard said Artie is having a pizza eating contest today. He went on to take a phone call after quickly saying that. The caller said that E! is bleeping more words now that he's on at 10 o'clock. The caller said they bleeped the word ''bush'' and even ''Christ'' when Howard said it one night. Then they let him say ''Jesus Christ'' another night. Howard complained about how E! has split up his show putting one on at 10 and then another one at 11:30. He said he used to have a full hour and now it's two half hours split up. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and sadi that E! has decided to put the show back on at 11 starting next Monday. Howard said it's just going to confuse the audience now and he'll have to build up the audience again. Howard figures it's the fact that Mindy Herman over at E! is having a baby that's throwing things off over at E!. He ended up talking about how having a baby really can throw a woman off. He talked about how bad Sarah Jessica Parker looks after having a baby. Howard and Robin talked about how there are exceptions like Pam Anderson who never seems to lose her looks after having babies and even Hepatitis C. Howard had to take his first break after talking about that.
Howard changed subjects and brought up the Sammy Sosa controversy. He had a bat with cork inside and got into trouble when the bat cracked open. Howard wondered what the big deal was. Artie told him he had a theory that the cork helps get the ball off the bat better but Fred thought it was to make the bat lighter so it could swing faster. Artie said the rules say that there's no cork allowed so if they started allowing it now it would throw the numbers off. Howard heard that they're claiming that he used a cork bat in batting practice and this one was used accidentally. Howard suggested they just leave it alone because every Puerto Rican is so proud of him. He said the Puerto Rican parade is coming up on Sunday so he doesn't want any trouble if they take away his home run record. Howard figures it's going to cause an uproar if they take that record away so he wants them to just leave it alone. Gary came in and said that some people are suggesting that they x-ray all of the bats before the guys go up to bat. KC was also in to talk about the controversy. The guys were all talking about how the old home run records got smashed over the past few years and no one could figure out why that was. They're saying that maybe everyone was using something like this to get so good all of a sudden. Howard just wants them to leave it all alone but Robin said she'd like them to figure this out. The guys talked about how the umpires had to have a meeting after Sosa's bat shattered. The guys also talked about some of the other cheaters in the game like pitchers who have had files on them to make the ball out of shape. Artie said he really likes Sosa and hates to see this happen to him. Robin said there's a lot of stuff that goes on with these players that come from other countries. She mentioned how there have been guys changing their ages and stuff like that as examples.
A listener called in and said that Howard was talking about Roger Clemens yesterday and the delay was hit on them for some reason. Gary came in and said that there are things going on in some other cities where they're hitting the delay on their own. This guy was calling from Dallas and Gary said they've heard about some strange stuff going on there so they're looking into it. Howard said at one point, when he first started in Chicago, Steve Dahl used to run in and run tapes over his show and he'd yell stuff out over the show. Now the guy claims to be Howard's friend. He said there's a lot of that weird stuff going on around the country. He said the fans are the best ears for finding that type of thing going on.
Howard talked about Roger Clemens again and said he thinks he's a creep and a scumbag who intentionally aims at guys heads when he's pitching. Howard said he doesn't care if the guy gets to 300 wins and thinks he's just a dick. Artie figures they might have hit the delay because Clemens is from Texas and maybe they didn't want to offend people down there when Howard was talking about it yesterday. Howard said that's not a reason to hit the delay on his show though.
The caller asked Howard if he could win some money from Howard. Howard asked Fred if he had ''Guess Who's The Jew'' ready but the caller said he doesn't know about Jews so he didn't want to play that. It turned out the guy was black which surprised Howard. He said he didn't ''sound black'' to him. He ended up talking to the guy for a couple more minutes. The caller told Howard how his father eventually married a Jewish woman but didn't know much about them. The caller said his mother was a black woman. He said that the woman his father married after his mother looked like Joan Baez with a cleft lip. The guy was talking about how he used to eat with that family and once saw tattooed numbers on their arms from the concentration camps. He said he asked about the tattoos because he had no idea what they were from. He said everyone just got really quiet when he asked about them. Howard told the guy that he was going to put him on hold and play ''Guess Who's The Jew'' after a commercial break.
Howard asked Ian about the ''blind items'' they run in the paper. Howard wondered if they're made up or real stories. Ian said they're not made up, they just use them when they don't want to reveal who a celebrity is. Howard asked if he helps sell a lot of papers because his name seems to be in the paper a lot. Ian told Howard that he really does help sell papers because he breaks a lot of stories. Howard said he doesn't mention all of the stories about him that appear in the NY Post. He seems to think that someone over there doesn't like him and puts in some stuff about him that isn't so nice. Ian said he thinks there must be someone there who doesn't like Howard but he really doesn't know who that might be.
Howard asked Ian how he makes a living working for the newspaper just 2 days a week. Ian said that he's also a contributor for Details magazine and has written a book called ''Everyone's Burning.'' He talked about the book being about S&M and how he used to be into that. He talked to Howard about that. He said he never wore diapers but he did lick shoes and stuff like that. He said he went to therapy to get over that. He said he doesn't have a girlfriend right now and he's sure the women will be calling now that he's talked about the S&M stuff.
Howard said Ian broke the story about him hanging out with Angie Everhart one night at a party. Ian claims that Ralph Cirella was his source for that story so Howard is a little upset about that. Ian said Ralph knew who he was and said something like ''I've got something to tell you...'' and told him that Howard was flirting with Angie Everhart. Howard said he thought he could trust Ralph but he was wrong. He said ''Ralph, you suck.'' Gary tried to get him on the phone but he wasn't answering his phone. Ian knew that Ralph was going to be pissed at him for giving up this info. Howard said he never thought Ralph would give him up like that though. Howard claims that he wasn't even flirting with Angie that night. She was at the club but he wasn't actually doing anything with her that night. They did end up dating later though. Howard said that Ralph is now dead to him because of this.
Howard said Ian was also the one who broke a story about Howard dating a ''mystery brunette'' that turned out to be his agent's daughter, not a date. Howard read that Ian once threatened to kill Ben Affleck's publicist for some reason. Ian told Howard that Ben finally fired that ''douche bag'' recently and talked about some of the other wacky stuff he's done in the past. Russell Crowe also got pissed at Ian when he asked him a question about a movie one time. Alicia Silverstone also beat him with her shoe one time because of a question he asked about her leather shoes. She's supposed to be a vegan and when he asked her about them, she started hitting him with them.
Howard read through some other stuff he had about Ian. He read that Ian dislikes Gwyneth Paltrow. They talked about that and Howard said he doesn't like her either. He's been dissed by her at a restaurant so he agrees with Ian about that. Ian also dislikes Mel Gibson because he's so self satisfied. He went off on him for a minute and said he's glad his latest movie flopped.
Howard took a call from Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) who was at Ian's book party last night. He said the party was great and it was held at a strip club. He said it was a really interesting mix of people. Howard said he wished he could have been there. Ian said Howard and everyone else from the show was invited. Howard said he just can't do a party like that during the week because he has to go to bed early.
Howard went through a bunch of other celebrities with Ian. They talked about Jimmy Fallon, Nikki Hilton and Lizzie Grubman. Ian also told a story about being beaten unconscious at a night club one night after doing coke.
Howard had Ian talk about one of these blind items that they print all the time. Ian gave Howard some info about how there is an Academy Award Winning actor out there who likes to be an adult baby doing the S&M thing. He can't say who that is because they don't have absolute proof about it. He said you need pictures of something like that to print a story about it.
Howard took some phone calls for Ian and one guy didn't know why Ian was so in love with Britney Spears. Ian had said that he would love to bang Britney but he can't even date a waitress, never mind a Britney Spears. The caller said that Britney looks horrible in The Daily News this morning but Ian said that it's just one bad picture. Howard took a bunch of other phone calls quickly. One guy called in as Jean Claude Van Damme but he was doing a Russian accent for some reason. Howard bailed out on the calls after a woman brought them to a screeching halt when she brought up something that needed too much explaining to the audience. Howard wrapped up the interview a short time later.
Howard said the pizza eating contest is coming up soon. They had 5 pies there from Uptown Pizzeria in Hoboken. Artie requested it because his buddy makes a great pizza there. He said he uses fresh mozzarella and puts some olive oil in the crust. They got them the night before so they were cold. The guy who was going up against Artie, Fred, was referred to the show by his sister who thinks he's out of control just like Artie is as far as his eating goes. The guys were going to have a half hour to eat as much pizza as they possibly could. Fred was hoping to eat two pizzas in a half hour. Artie said he'd go for 2 full pizzas plus one slice if that's the case. Howard brought in EMT Francisco Cruz who would be there to give them the Heimlich maneuver if they started choking on the pizza. Then there was Richard Shay from the International Federation of Competitive Eating governing body that watches over food eating contests. They govern the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest as well as a few others. Rich said that he knows of a guy who can eat a full pizza in 5 minutes. This is an endurance test though so it's to see how much they can hold in their fat stomachs. Someone was wondering if they have to eat crusts or not. Howard said they do so Artie joked that he's on a diet so he's trying to cut back on carbs and wasn't sure he wanted to eat the crust. Howard had the two of them start eating around 8:08 and they had a half hour to eat as much as possible. Howard was going to give them a $500 prize for doing this. Artie asked if Howard could put on Sports Center while they were eating so he could get into it like he was home. Howard watched Artie for a short time and said he's a pizza eating machine. Artie said his two favorite inventions are pizza and air conditioning. Fred was also enjoying his pizza. Howard said Artie was up to his second piece while Fred was still working on his first slice. Richard told Howard that drinking some fluids could hurt the eating because it would be absorbed by the crust in their stomachs. He suggested a drink like Yoo Hoo or something like that to lube up their stomachs. Artie had some Hawaiian Punch to drink on the side. Artie told Howard that he has eaten a full pie before but never two. Gary was watching over them and said that they were pretty much tied as they were eating.
Howard asked Richard if Artie would be able to move his bowels during the contest. Richard said that would be against the rules and it would be frowned upon if he crapped his pants or something like that. Richard also had a lot of information on how this eating stuff works because they've seen a skinny 132 pound guy win a hot dog eating contest against fat guys. Howard said the guy knew way too much about that stuff.
Gary told Howard that Artie hadn't eaten since yesterday at 1:30 yesterday afternoon. Richard said that's actually a bad idea because your stomach can constrict. Artie said his stomach hadn't constricted at all and was still shoving the pizza in his mouth. After 7 and a half minutes they were up to three slices. A woman called in and said Artie sounded sexy with his mouth full mumbling to everyone as he ate. She told him to shut up and keep eating though.
Howard had some things to play during this segment. He had tape of Al Franken and Bill O'Reilly fighting on a show. The two of them had a verbal argument about Al's book and what he wrote about O'Reilly. Howard said it sounded like it would have been a good fight but they took away Franken's microphone for some reason.
Howard got back to the pizza eating and took a call. The guy who called in said that he could take these guys on in an eating contest. Howard said they're not going to keep doing that though. It was this guy Fred's one chance to take Artie on. The two of them were still chomping away at the pizza. Howard decided to double the winnings for the person who could eat the most. He was going to give away two $500 prizes courtesy of that ''Terminator 2 - T2 Extreme DVD.''
Dominic Barbara called in and wanted to take bets on the contest. He was taking Artie 2-1 so no one was really up for betting him.
Howard had more tapes to go through while the guys ate. He had tape of Sammy Sosa apologizing to everyone for his corked bat incident yesterday. Howard and the guys spent a couple of minutes discussing that before Howard had to take another break. Howard said they'd have the results of the pizza eating contest when they got back. They also had this woman Maria coming in who was the first woman to have ever gotten naked on his show many years ago. As they were going to break, Artie asked if they could finish eating before she came in because it was about 20 years ago when she got naked and Howard was thinking that she may have hit the wall by now.
Artie could barely walk after the contest. Artie said he always walks like that because in the mornings his knees hurt sometimes. He also said he was happy Fred won the contest. He thanked the pizza joint that hooked them up with the pizza before Howard moved on to other stuff.
Howard said he's been watching this new show on NBC called ''For Love or Money'' that's kind of like ''The Bachelor'' but the women get a million bucks if they win and the guy doesn't know that. They were talking about how good looking the guy is on the show and how the women are all freaking out over him. Howard said it's better than ''The Bachelor'' because that show just sucks now. Howard explained what the show was really about to Robin but she seemed to think he was wrong about it.
Howard had more voice mail to play. The hateful caller that calls in all the time was talking about Robin and calling her names as he always does. He ended up getting cut off again before he could finish his thoughts. He called back though and left more messages for his ''nigga bitch.'' Howard had more of that stuff to play but he had to take a break.
Artie told Howard he felt like he could eat a Milano cookie even after eating all of that pizza. Howard told him to go ahead and eat it. He had one of the Peperidge Farm Milano cookies and said now it felt like it had completed his meal. He needed that sweet to finish it off.
Howard took a call from a guy who wanted to know who Artie was picking to win the Belmont Stakes. Howard and Artie ended up talking about the horse that had it's balls chopped off for a couple of minutes. Howard mentioned how much that horse's sperm would be worth if it still had balls. They also talked about human sperm and artificial insemination. Howard said looks are one thing to get from sperm but a brain is another story.
Congressman Serano called in to talk to Howard but there were some phone problems. Serano wanted to promote the Puerto Rican day parade. Howard said he went to the parade last year and didn't have a problem but he's against every parade in the city. He said he doesn't like them clogging up the city and all of them are unnecessary. When Congressman Serano suggested that they have a parade for Howard, he changed his tune and said he'd love that. Howard and Robin talked about some of the strange things that go on during the parades and how fat chicks like to wear belly shirts out there. Congressman Serano also told Howard how he has spoken to the FCC about why they go after Howard so much. He said he was told that it's all based on complaints. Howard said he has competitors out there who send in complaints about his show and try to sabotage his show. That's why his show is concentrated on to much by the FCC. Howard gave up on that conversation and told Congressman Serano to go enjoy the parade this weekend. Robin said Howard wasn't at the parade like he said it was last year. Howard swears that he was there but it was kind of an accident that he ended up there. He and Beth were out for a walk and had forgotten about it until someone told him to go home because the parade was going on. He and Beth decided to stay on their walk and ended up going through the parade crowd. Howard didn't have many complaints about the people in the parade, he just doesn't like the traffic being blocked up. He said he's against every parade they run in the city, not just this one. Howard said he almost got run over by a car at last year's parade but that was the only real complaint he had. He said his girlfriend yelled ''F-You'' to the driver and they had to run off when he pulled over and started to get out of the car. Gary came in and talked about how he hates to sit and wait for a parade where the Goya Beans balloon is what's holding up traffic. A listener called in and said that they let gang members march in the parade as well so it can't be a good thing. Howard said he got out of the parade crowd with his life last year. Gary said when he sees two guys carrying around a 200 pound pig to go cook it, he gets scared. Howard finally took a break and realized he'd forgotten to talk to Maria, the first woman to have gotten naked on his show.
Maria said she was in today to promote the new Andrew Dice Clay DVD but Howard told her he didn't want to hear about that guy and told her to keep it to herself. She plugged her own CD called ''T & Honey'' instead.
Maria talked to Howard about her marriage to Stu Bykofsky who used to write nasty stuff about him in the newspaper for some reason. Maria said Stu loves Howard though so he shouldn't be mad at him. Gary also brought up how Maria has been in the massage business for years and she's not against giving a guy a ''happy ending'' if they're in the right situation. She claims that she has worked with a lot of sports guys and Dikembe Mutumbo has a giant wiener. She said it's impossible to miss it because it's so large.
Maria also claims to have dated Soupy Sales at one point in the past. She wasn't sure if he was married at the time or not though.
Al Rosenberg called in because he was in the studio that day when Maria got naked. He said he remembered all of the stuff that went on at the time. He said Maria wanted to sit on Howard's lap back then but he wouldn't let her do it unless she put a piece of plastic on his lap first. Howard had tape from that day but his voice doesn't sound the same. He played that and his voice really was odd sounding. He was very excited at the time because it was the first time a woman had gotten naked in his studio.
Maria said that she's still doing comedy these days and even dances at this one club once in a while. She doesn't show her boobs anymore than what she was showing in the studio though. Howard let a couple of phone calls through but no one had much of anything nice to say to her. Howard wrapped it up a short time later and took another break.
Howard said he had his Scores pants on today... His baggy Scores pants. They're all going to a Scores party after the show today. Ronnie the Limo Driver was wearing a pair of jeans so Howard told him he'd look better in a suit that he usually wears. Ronnie said he asked permission from Tom yesterday if he could wear the jeans. Howard said Tom was on his annual trip to Montana so he wasn't around today. Ronnie said Tom told him he could wear whatever he wanted since he wasn't going to be around. Howard talked about how Tom takes pictures out in Montana and ends up showing everyone the nonsense he photographs out there. He and Robin said they're always pictures of nothing. They goofed on him about the pictures doing impressions of him for a couple of minutes. Howard said his pictures have no composition at all. There's nothing to look at in his pictures. Howard said the best book he ever saw with photographs was in this book ''Naked in New York.''
Howard brought up this Ramp magazine that's out and how they had a pair of binoculars that have the ability to take 30 seconds of video. He said he has to get those things.
Howard said Gary had to get out of the studio before the show because he had some phlegm building up in his throat. He thanked him for doing that because it literally makes him sick. As he was talking about that they played a commercial parody about Gary's throat clearing called ''The Best of Gary Clearing His Throat.''
Howard asked Gary how the latest crop of Interns have been doing lately. Gary said they're doing great but there are some who stand out each semester. Howard said they have a bunch of kids who are related to people they know working there this semester. Howard said he has the daughter of a woman he went to camp with when he was still a young man. He explained how this woman Mary and her husband Woody met. He said Woody was his boss as a camp counselor and met this Mary chick there. Howard said he banged a lot of chicks back then and Woody didn't want him doing that. He also talked about how one of the chicks tried putting her pinkie up his ass back then and he freaked out because he thought it was very gay. Back then he still had a bad self image even though he was banging a bunch of chicks as a camp councilor. He said he had seven chicks that summer. That guy Woody warned him to slow it down while they went on this trip to the West. Howard said the girls in camp were only 15 and 16 and he held back from banging them. He said it was tough but he knew it would be wrong to bang those chicks since he was a councilor. He said he even had to bust a kid for smoking pot even though he was smoking the stuff back then. Howard said he had to do it because it was putting the rest of the kids in danger of getting in trouble with the law. Howard said Woody and Mary met back then and now their daughter is his intern there at the radio station. He talked about what a super-Jew Mary is and how she celebrates things in the Jewish religion that not many of them actually celebrate.
Howard said they have another intern that his girlfriend's father recommended to them and he turned out to be great. Howard had the daughter of his friends Woody and Mary come in to talk to her. Her name was Beth. Howard asked her if there was anything about her parents she wanted to know. He told her about how her mother converted to be a Jew and how into it she got. Howard asked Beth if her father ever talked to her about his days with her father and stuff like that. She said that she has read the web site about the Welmet camp that Howard has written for. Howard said he's gotten in touch with a few people that he knew back then. Howard ended up talking to Beth quite a bit about her parents and what they were up to back then. He told her that they were both great people and she should treat them well no matter what she thinks of them. Howard asked her about what she's allowed to do as far as tattoos and piercing s and stuff. She said her father won't let her come home with piercing s on her face or anything like that. Howard told her he's heard that she's a great person. She talked about how she hasn't decided what she wants to be when she gets out of college yet. Howard told her that's okay at this point in her life because most people don't know what they want to do at 19.
Howard said he was responsible for most of the interns they have this semester because he knows them all in some way or another. He said they're going to have a reunion for the people who used to work at this camp Welmet he used to work at but they're holding it up in the Catskills and he doesn't want to go there. He doesn't understand why they don't just have it in Manhattan. He said he might throw his own reunion party at the same time. He said he'd rather just have a two hour party instead. He said he was on AOL the other day chatting with someone he used to be in charge of at camp. He said he was still ordering him around as if he was still a little kid. That led to Gary talking about how he still thinks of Mike Gange as a kid even though he's not anymore. Howard said he still calls Stuttering John a kid when he talks about him even though he's like 37 years old. He was talking to a woman about how he's about to turn 50 years old and he claims she dropped her utensils and told him she thought he was about 35.
Howard said he doesn't care about anything today because he's going to Scores after the show. He spent a short time talking about that and then took his first break of the morning.
Shuli asked who would be the craziest of the bunch. The guys said if Ronnie the Limo Driver drinks, he'll be the craziest. Howard talked about how nutty Ronnie gets when he drinks. Gary said Jamie the intern has never had a drink in his life and doesn't want them to make him drink or anything like that. Howard told him that if he asks him to drink and he doesn't have one with him, he's insulting him. Jamie said he's really paranoid about that. Howard said Jamie is going to become a man today when they go to this party. Ronnie said he's not even sure if Jamie likes girls. The guys all said that he does like girls though.
Howard told Issac that if he wants to go to Scores he has to get the rest of the E! guys to sign off on that and say it's okay. Ronnie said there was an open spot because Scott the Engineer wasn't going but Howard said he never goes. He gets invited every time but he never goes because he's so pussy whipped by his wife. That means there's no extra spot open. Howard said that he doesn't want to take advantage of Lonnie over at Scores and doesn't want to load them up with even more guys. Howard told him to go get permission from the other E! guys and he'd let him go. Issac said he didn't want to do that though. Howard told him he's in the next time they do this... in 2006.
A former intern called in and said that last semester Jamie got all dressed up when he knew Nikki Ziering and Jenna Jameson came in. Howard ended up goofing on Jamie about that a little bit. Gary told Howard that since Jamie doesn't get laid he watches a lot of movies and knows way too much about them. He knows who directed movies that no one would know. Howard asked him about a few movies and Jamie knew the answers to them. Howard said he knows way too much.
Lonnie from Scores called in and said that everyone from E! can go to Scores if they want, they have plenty of women to go around. Lonnie said there is no taking advantage of them and they can have more guys come down no problem. Howard told Issac that he could go but no one else. Lonnie said that they can all come because all of those guys from E! are great. Howard thanked Lonnie and said he really doesn't want to deal with the other guys. Issac was in at this point but he kept talking so Howard told him he was out again. Gary said Issac was really upset that he wasn't invited and said that he would be upset for years to come. Howard said none of the other guys are complaining about not being invited. Howard said he's letting Mike Gange go even though he went to Scott Einziger's party recently. Howard said it's really his war with Einziger and Gange has nothing to do with it. Howard said he's going to be a bigger man about that and not hold it against Gange for going to the Einziger thing. Howard told Issac that he's back in on the party but he has to go deal with the other guys who aren't invited. Stuttering John wanted to tell Howard who the other guys were that wanted to go but Howard didn't want to hear it.
Howard told Jamie that he's in for a hell of a party today. He said he's going to come back tomorrow and will be a changed man. Robin said she can't wait to see what he looks like tomorrow. Stuttering John said he doesn't think Jamie is going to enjoy himself at the party though. He did, however, suggest that he bring two pair of underwear with him. Howard asked Jamie how many times a day he pleasures himself at home. Jamie said it's tough to do at home because he lives with 4 other people. Jamie said he does it maybe one time a day and he has to be watching porn when he does it. He said he likes ''normal stuff'' in porn and not S&M or anything like that. He said his favorite right now is some chick by the name of Jewel Denyle. Howard said he's going to have to check that porn out to see what Jamie is watching.
Gary said they could do a hell of a make over on this kid. Howard said they should have done it before the Scores party though. Artie said Jamie looks like Bill Gates but without the $58 billion. Howard and the guys talked about how they're going to help Jamie out at the party and get him some lap dances and knees to the crotch. Jamie said he hasn't been with a girl, just kissing, since 1998. He's still a virgin at the age of 23. He said he froze up when he was with this one chick and never made it with her. He said the girl wanted to take it really slow with him and after they broke up she was banging the next guy within a week. Howard told him you have to push for that stuff and not take it slow. He had to take a break after talking to Jamie about that for a little while.
Howard brought up the pizza eating contest they had yesterday between Artie and this guy Fred. Howard said Artie looked woozy after eating a whole pizza pie. He then had a cookie and a coke after the pizza. Then, after the show, he went out and had some pie and a couple of Cokes for lunch. Stuttering John said after that he dropped Artie off at a Starbucks where he had a Caramel Macchiato. Artie ended up turning the thing around on John. He said they went out to a diner to have lunch the other day and Stuttering John ended up picking his nose at the table. Artie said John actually went for a nose hair he had hanging out of his nose. He ended up taking a butter knife and started sawing at it to cut it out of his nose. John said he tried pulling it out but it was really strong. Artie said he had to stop eating when he saw that. Robin said that's why Mr. X threw water in John's lap that one time when John farted at the dinner table. Howard told John he needs to groom himself once in a while and watch for hair like that. Artie said he was disgusted by the whole thing because he was picturing the diner knives being in John's nose.
Howard said he heard that John had to borrow money for his cab this morning. John told Howard he spent his last ten bucks on some toys for his kid and forgot to get some more cash. John said he had to call Jason from the back office to come down and help him out. Jason said he knows John will pay him back but Howard said that no one there should let John borrow money. Howard kicked John out a minute later because he was disgusted by the whole nose hair thing.
Howard said that he has this calendar featuring pole vaulting girls that he got from VaultStuff.com and VaultGirls.com. He said some of the chicks are pretty hot. Some of them have butter faces though. He talked about that for a short time and then moved on to some voice mail.
Howard played a voice mail of that guy who always leaves messages for Robin talking about her being a nig*er and stuff like that. Someone e-mailed Howard and said he figured out it's actually actor Michael Rappaport leaving the messages. Howard said that would be funny but they know Michael and it's just not his voice.
Howard said a lot of people are complaining about the fact that we haven't found any weapons of mass destruction in Iraq since we went in. He said people are coming out against President Bush about that and it's just not right. He said we had to go in and show these other countries that we are willing to risk our lives to show the other Arab countries that we're not going to stand for terrorism. Howard said he thinks that we need to invade at least one more country to show how powerful we are and that we're not going to stand for this crap. He and Robin talked about that for a little while. One listener called in and pointed out that we haven't found Saddam Hussein either but that doesn't mean he didn't exist. Howard told him that was a good point. Another caller got into an argument with Howard about the whole thing and ended up yelling at him to go back to Israel. Howard insists he's right about all of this. He ended up singing a song about it when Fred was playing ''America the Beautiful.''
Howard changed subjects and said that there's an Air Guitar competition coming up that has to be the nerdiest thing in the world. Howard said the only thing that would make it even nerdier is if the contestants showed up in their Star Trek outfits. Howard said they should have someone from the show enter the contest. He said you can enter at USAirGuitar.com.
Howard said there's a guy out there who created a tribute song to Laci Peterson who was killed recently. Howard played the song and said he wasn't sure if it was a goof or not because it was so bad.
Howard and Artie talked about this Air Guitar contest and how goofy that is. Artie said he could do some great air guitar with some Led Zeppelin songs. Howard said he could do that himself as well. Howard got up when Fred started playing some Zeppelin. KC came in a short time later and said comedian Jim Florentine used to have a whole air guitar band that would go around performing at places. Howard got distracted when he saw the picture he had on HowardStern.com of him with Siegfried, Roy, Artie and a few others. He said it's pretty funny. He then hopped on USAirGuitar.com to read the rules about the air guitar contest. He also read about the grand prize which was a trip to Finland to compete in the world finals. The grand prize winner gets to bring home the World Trophy. Howard read the rules to Robin and each person has one minute to perform. They have to use an invisible instrument but can use a real pick if they want. The contestants start off using a song of their own choice but then have to perform to a song that's picked by the organizers.
A listener called in and told Howard that someone should keep an eye on Artie when they go to Scores because they're going to have food available. He wants to know how much he eats. Howard said he doesn't even know if Artie will make it to the back room if there's food there. The caller also asked Howard if he thinks there will be Howard Stern conventions after he goes off the air. Howard said he hopes not. They talked about what that would be like for a minute and then the caller asked Howard if he's still working with Tim Stack from ''Son of the Beach.'' Howard said he is still working with Tim on some stuff but he can't talk about it at this point.
Captain Janks called in and said he'd go to this air guitar contest in a Star Trek outfit no problem. Howard ended up playing some air guitar to some AC/DC while Artie sang along doing his Brian Johnson impression. Howard was doing a little bit of the Angus dance while he was playing air guitar. He was out of breath after 20 seconds of it though. Howard told Janks to go ahead and enter the contest. He said he'd send a camera crew there to catch the action. Howard got up and did a little more of his AC/DC air guitar. Howard was even doing some foot work changing his air guitar settings while he was doing it.
Howard said he got invited to this Led Zeppelin DVD release party recently. He said this guy Danny Bush from the record company wanted Howard to meet the guys from Led Zeppelin but he had no desire to do that. He said they're a horrible interview anyway. He said he later got a signed DVD from Danny but he threw it right in the garbage. Howard said Bush claims they never sign stuff like that so it was a rare item. Gary told Howard Danny was really trying to get them on the show but it never happened. They don't have any desire to get up early and come on the show. Gary also made a comment about how Robert Plant looks like he ran out of money halfway through an operation to become a woman. One caller told the guys it wasn't cool to goof on the band like they were doing because they're such a great band. He told Howard the DVD is great as well.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who had no idea who this Laci Peterson chick was. Howard asked her if she ever read a newspaper or watched the news. She said she doesn't get to see much of that because she's in a mental heath day care center. Howard explained to the woman who Laci was and how she was killed, possibly by her husband. Howard started telling the woman that they're actually saying that they have evidence that Led Zeppelin may have had something to do with the murder. He was yanking her around of course and she seemed to be believing what he was saying. He said they found one of Laci's teeth in Jimmy Page's pocket so that's why they think he had something to do with it. She said she hasn't been watching any of the news because it's just too much for her. She said the only thing she really watches is ''The Osbournes.'' Howard also started telling the woman that Fred Durst may have had something to do with the OJ Simpson case so they have to go back and look at that. The woman didn't have anything to say about that though.
Howard kept that woman on the line as he took a call from Danny Bush. Danny was happy that Howard was promoting the band. He told Howard the DVD he threw away is going to be worth a lot to a sanitation worker somewhere. The woman on the phone didn't know who Danny was so Howard told her he's Led Zeppelin's defense attorney in the Laci Peterson case. Howard eventually wrapped up the call with her and got her off the phone. Robin said if that woman goes into the mental health place with that story they're going to lock her up. Howard took a break shortly after that.
Howard said Larry King had this guy Bob Jones on his show. Howard and Robin said the guy created his own university. He was talking about homosexuality with Larry and how he thinks that it's a choice that people make. The guy was really hard core in his thoughts about homosexuals being liars and deviants. Howard said it's pretty scary.
Howard took a call from a 20 year old woman by the name of Star who claims that she's been masturbating a lot lately and wondered if that's normal. Howard told her it's very normal. She said she does it like 3 times a day. Howard told her that when he was her age, he was masturbating 5 times a day. She thought that guys and girls are a lot different though. Howard told her it's just fine and normal. Robin told her it's fine as well. Howard asked her about what she does for a living and if she's hot or not. She said she's an escrow officer so Howard joked that he's met a lot of hot escrow officers. She said she once had a fantasy about Howard picking her up at school and they ended up doing it in a limo. She said she's a mix of Hawaiian and Portuguese, she's 5'4'' tall and weighs about 115 pounds. She also said she's a little ''wide'' which Howard wasn't too thrilled with. She said she has an ass somewhere between nice and round and flat. Howard offered to pick her up and smack her around a little bit if she wanted. She said ''What about Beth?'' which ruined it for Howard. He hung up on her about 3 seconds later.
A guy called in and asked Howard about what he thinks of people who cheat on their spouses. Howard said if you cheat on your wife you probably shouldn't be married but he understands it when a guy or a woman need to get a little ''strange'' on the side sometimes. He also told the guy that if he's banging a married woman, that's okay as long as he doesn't know the husband personally. He said the woman has a lot to lose and will keep her mouth shut. He said if you're going to have an affair, you should have it with a married woman. That's the safest affair to have according to Howard. Robin said that she banged a married man at one point and it wasn't that great.
Howard asked the caller if he wanted to play a game. He had a couple of games, the Joey Boots and High Pitch Erik game or ''Guess Who's the Jew.'' The guy wanted to play the Joey Boots game so Howard told him what that was all about. Joey called Erik and asked Erik if he'd help get rid of Mike Gange by running him over. Joey also asked Erik if he'd mail Gange some pot to get him in trouble with the law. Howard asked the guy what he thought would happen in the calls. Would Erik mail Gange pot? Would Erik run Gange over? The caller said Erik probably would mail the pot but wouldn't help kill Gange. Howard played the clips to find out what the answers were. In the first clip Joey Boots talks to High Pitch Erik about how they want to get rid of Gange at the Stern show because of what he did to Howard by going to the Scott Einziger cook out. Joey tells Erik that they can get some weed or some coke and mail it to him and then tip off the postal inspector. Erik agreed to help Joey out with that one so the caller was right about that one. Howard played the second clip where Joey talks about running Gange down with a car or beating him up with a baseball bat. Erik said he'd help Joey out with that as well so the caller was wrong about that. The caller asked Howard to give him the money anyway so Howard broke down and said he'd give him the $500 prize he'd offered. He asked the guy to tell this story about being pulled over by a cop. The guy said he ended up arguing with some cops after getting pulled over for some reason. The story didn't make much sense though.
KC came in and said that Erik is a weird guy because he wouldn't agree to call people as Mike Gange on the phone and make threats but he agreed to help Joey kill him. It didn't make a lot of sense.
The 20 year old woman who called in earlier called back and wondered why Howard hung up on her. Howard told her he just had to go so he hung up on her again and went to break.
Howard asked Patrice what his goals are. Patrice said he wants to be ''nig*er rich'' and have money under his mattress he can just pull out and use. He said that he'll never be there though because he refuses to work outside of New York City. He said he hates to fly and won't leave the city. He talked about how he likes being on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn pretty frequently. As long as it takes place in New York City, he's there. He said he's waiting for something to just happen for him. Patrice said he's been in a couple of movies but it's just because the guys that put him in them liked him. Spike Lee put him in a movie just because he liked him. He said he got into the movie ''Head of State'' with Chris Rock just because Spike had put him in his movie. Patrice said he did fly to Brazil one time though. He said the girls down there are great and he doesn't mind paying for a hooker. He told Howard how the girls down there just have a way of manipulating a man that he wasn't able to explain. He said a woman cost about $33 US down there. It wasn't even the sex that was great, it was the dream the girls were selling. He said the girls company is what counted. He said the girls were just there and they give you what you're looking for. Patrice said he took a woman to dinner who was only 19 years old. He said she was gorgeous and it was great. He said it was life changing to him. The flight was a 10 hour flight and he didn't mind it at all. He said he's going back this month sometime to visit the country again. Patrice said women here in America don't know how to ''sell dreams'' like the women down there can. He said a woman here would have to be better than the past and better than what he expects in the future and that just isn't happening.
Patrice claims that his manager is the one who talked him into going down to Brazil. He said when he got back he broke up with his girlfriend and he's just now getting funny again. He said if he had enough money he'd move down to Brazil and live there. He said he'd need about 10 million bucks to do that though so he wouldn't have to work. Patrice said the women down there can ''read you'' and figure out what you need. He said women up here constantly need stuff from guys. Down in Brazil they don't ask for anything which makes you want to give them more. Howard had plenty of questions for Patrice about how to pick up girls in Brazil. He said the girls are out on the streets and they have a whole system down there. He said there's a club called ''Help'' where there are about 500 women working. Only about 20 of them will act like they like you though so they keep the realism there. He said the girls who don't like you won't talk to you.
Patrice said he's into big beautiful women. He said he was a fan of Anna Nicole Smith in her good days. He said he's into the face and likes a big woman. He talked about how he likes the darker skinned Latino women as well. Artie said he was with a Puerto Rican girl one time and she ''sold him some dreams'' as well. He knew what Patrice was talking about.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for Patrice and some guys agreed with him about how great the girls are down there. Howard said he'd be afraid to go down there. Patrice said you can't be in a relationship here if you go down there. Patrice said he cheated on his girl when he was there because he couldn't last a day without picking up a chick. His girlfriend asked him why he couldn't even last a week and he had to tell her he couldn't even last the one day.
Howard gave Patrice a plug for his comedy gigs at Caroline's on Broadway which run from today through Sunday. The guys asked Patrice why he doesn't try working a little harder now so he can eventually move down to Brazil. He said that's what he's trying to do but he just can't take the traveling. He said he has tried going to London a few times because he does well over there and gets to stay there for a while. He said he doesn't just want to fly down to do a week worth of shows down in Texas or something like that though.
Howard told Patrice that if guys were just willing to talk about that stuff so openly like he does, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Prostitution is a big business that should be more open according to Howard. He took a break after that.
After the break Howard joked that Patrice ran off to Brazil during the break with his ''How to Learn Portuguese'' DVD. Patrice was still there though so Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him about his name and how his mother just spun a wheel to name him. Howard read that Patrice grew up across from the projects as a kid. Patrice said they had a landlord so they thought they were better than the people who lived right across the street in the city owned buildings. He said they all shared the same cockroaches though. Howard had Robin start her news after that.
During the news Howard wondered if the girls at Scores were getting drunk yet. A minute later Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said he'd just spoken to Lonnie and he told him the girls were having shots of Vodka as they spoke. The girls were ready and Howard was ready to head over there.
Patrice and Howard also got to talking about an audition Patrice had coming up soon. Howard ended up rehearsing some of the lines with Patrice for the movie ''Barbershop 2.'' That's what Patrice was going to be auditioning for while Howard and the guys were going to be at Scores. Howard was trying to read his part as a black guy but Patrice told him he wasn't doing it very well. Artie then did it in the most stereotypical way he knew how. Howard told him he doesn't need to audition for that part. He joked around with him about that for a couple of minutes before having Robin get back to her news.
Howard said he had to leave the Scores party yesterday at 2 o'clock because he had an appointment with his shrink. Artie told him it was like two shrink appointments yesterday. Howard said he had to tell the girls he had a meeting at TNN for his new cartoon but it was actually a shrink appointment. He said he got to Scores around 11:30 or so and hung around for a while before getting dances. Howard said he went to pay for something after the show yesterday and pulled out about $40 in funny money. He said he gave that to Ralph since he enjoys it so much. Howard talked about how great Scores is and how hot the chicks are there. Howard said he still smelled like the girls when he left so Robin asked him why he didn't go to see the guy in the bathroom who can take that smell away. Howard said he did go in there and saw Stuttering John getting a wash down from that guy because he got some massage oil on himself. Howard said this guy, known as ''The Doctor,'' has been working in the bathroom for 9 years there at Scores. He's got coffee beans that can help take away the stink of the girls off of you. Howard said he spent like an hour talking to the guy there about his techniques. Howard said he had the one Columbian chick that was in the studio earlier in the week dancing for him. He also had the other chick that was in the studio dance for him as well. He said he tried out a bunch of new girls that were there at Scores. He said some of the guys are very territorial with their dancers and won't let them leave. Ronnie came in a short time later and said he didn't do anything wrong.
Jamie the virgin didn't make it in this morning for some reason. He was at the party and Artie said he saw him with two black chicks working him over at the club. Artie said he thinks that the black chicks might have rolled him there but Ronnie said nothing like that happened. Ronnie said he heard that one of the girls saw Jamie run to the bathroom at one point so he may have had an accident. Ronnie also said he had one of the massage girls go over to him at one point but he didn't want any girls touching him that way. Howard said he saw Jamie sitting there at one point and told him to get his rap on and talk to the girls. Jamie said he doesn't have a rap so he just kind of sat there. Gary came in and said that he checked on Jamie all day and he couldn't really tell if he was happy or not. He said he's got a smile on his face constantly so he wasn't able to get a feel for it.
Gary said it was tough to get the party started yesterday because the guys wanted to eat before having the girls come out. They did that but then Howard had the girls come in and they had to eat as well. Howard said no one wants to see the girls eat though. Gary went on to talk about how he had to get the guys into the back room to get the party started. Howard said he wasn't in any rush to get the party started either because he's getting plenty of hot chicks with his girlfriend. Gary talked about this one guy Wayne Segal who came out looking like he'd been mugged at one point. Howard said he kept confusing Wayne and Vinnie Favale for some reason. They talked about how Vinnie ends up interviewing the girls when they come over. Gary brought up this one nutty chick that was there talking about some strange stuff with them. Gary was trying to figure out if that washer schtick or if that was really her.
Howard talked a little bit about his trip to the shrink after the party. The rest of the guys said they stayed until 3 or 4 o'clock and ate on their way out. Ronnie said they don't open up to the public until 5 o'clock or so.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked who had the most girls on them. Howard said it was him because he gets the most funny money. Howard said some guys didn't even show up. He said that Issac didn't show up after that whole thing yesterday. Robin said that he broke some E! rule about not approaching talent for autographs and stuff like that so he was banned from going. Howard thought it was funny that he was considered ''talent.''
Gary brought up Benjy and how he was getting dances from a couple of hot black chicks. Howard also pointed out how Benjy turned the lights on in the room that was really dark when Howard got in there. Benjy said that it wasn't him, it was one of the dancers. Benjy also said that the girl was wearing her grandmother's dress and she wanted to show him what it looked like or something. Howard said this was the second time Benjy turned the lights on at one of these parties. Benjy said that Howard turned the lights up himself but Howard told him that's okay because it's him. Howard said that he had to do that because he needed just a little more light.
Ronnie and the other guys talked about how great the party was and thanked Howard for it. Howard said it was great because they hadn't had a party in about 3 years. If they had them more often, it wouldn't have been as great.
Gary said he had one last story about Scores and said that they actually sent home the bar backs they had because they were guys. Gary said Lonnie wanted only women at the party and sent home the two guys they had working in the bar area. Howard had to take a break after talking about that for a few seconds.
Artie talked about how one of the strippers at Scores grabbed his love handles and said ''Ooo, you're a BIG guy.'' He did it with an accent that was pretty funny. Howard said Stuttering John in the bathroom at Scores was pretty funny as well. He said that was kind of disturbing. John said they use a really thick oil when they do the massage and then the perfume gets into that and you can't get rid of the stink. JOhn said none of the stuff the guy in the bathroom did for him got rid of the smell though so he went home and had to take a shower. John told Howard that Scott DePace didn't know he had a black chick dancing for him because it was so dark in the room. At one point John said he heard DePace say ''Oh my god, you're black!'' when he realized who was dancing for him. DePace came in and said it was kind of shocking when he saw who was dancing for him. He just figured it was a white chick. Artie and the guys were goofing on him about that for a minute. Howard changed subjects and asked Robin how her girls day out was. She said she went out with Robin Radzinski and Anne Marie from the office. She said they didn't talk about the guys once while they were out.
Howard said Eminem got an award at the MTV awards and did the Jim Florentine (JimFlorentine.com) Special Ed character for his acceptance speech. Howard played a clip of that and it was pretty amusing.
Howard said he got an e-mail from someone who wrote in about Sammy Sosa using a corked bat and how Howard should just shut up about it because no one cares.
Howard talked about the new image singer Jewel has and how much he likes it. He and Robin talked about some of her songs for a short time. Howard said he likes that she's showing off her cans and ass now. He ended up joking around about what her next songs were going to be like. He threw in some porn movie clips and then played some of her new CD (the real one).
Chaunce Hayden (ChaunceHayden.com) called in and sadi that he spoke to Jewel about her image change and it all had to do with a magazine that had ''women who rock'' in it and she was left off the list. Her record company told her she'd have to change her image if she wanted to be on the list so that's why she did it. Chaunce said he doesn't think she likes it though.
Howard said he had a lot to get to today so he was just going to rip right through it. He said he got an e-mail from someone who wrote in and complained about him reading e-mail on the air. Other people wrote in and complained about his anti-Led Zeppelin rap yesterday. Howard said this one e-mail went on for pages about what he was saying about Zeppelin. Howard said he enjoyed their music but the guys in the band are just lame. Howard got some mail about Patrice O'Neal and how good he was on the show. Howard said one person thought the story he was telling the mental woman yesterday about Zeppelin being involved in the Laci Peterson murder was a real story. Howard said that was voted the stupidest e-mail of the week. Howard then ripped through a bunch of the other e-mails they got. Someone told Howard that accoding to some Body Mass Index (BMI) thing, he should weigh in at around 215 pounds but Howard said that's if he's all muscle. He said he's down at 200 pounds at this point though and that BMI is a bunch of nonsense that some gym teacher came up with trying to seem smart. He had to take a break after that.
Howard said he read that Jennifer Lopez has been watching the dailies from Ben Affleck's new movie and calling the director to give her advice on what's wrong. Howard and Robin wondered when J-Lo became a great actress. Howard sarcastically said it was with ''Maid in Manhattan.''
Howard said KC didn't make it to the Scores Party yesterday because he was going to an audition. Howard said KC told him that this male casting director had to see him with his shirt and pants off. Howard predicted that would happen yesterday when he was talking to KC about this. KC came in and explained what happened at this audition. KC said the guy asked to see his body and told him to take his shirt off. KC said he knows that all of these casting directors are gay and he knows it. He said this was to do some kind of editorial for a men's magazine. KC said these meetings are incredibly gay. He said they have you flexing and showing off your abs and stuff. He said they ask you to pull down your pants so they can see your legs and stuff and it's like getting a rectal exam. KC said he can't turn down anything like that at this point because he needs the money. He said he would never ''let no fruit'' touch him in one of these meetings. He said one time a casting director told him to move his balls to make his package look bigger. The guys thought that was pretty odd. Robin asked KC how many of these calls KC has gone on. He said he's been on a bunch of them. They were all joking that these guys probably call each other and say that there's this guy from the Stern show who is willing to pull down his pants and move his balls for them. Robin asked KC if he shaves his legs or anything like that. He said that he doesn't do that. He said he did do a commercial for one of those hair removal systems that paid pretty well. He said the meeting yesterday lasted an hour and a half which surprised Robin and Howard. They wondered what he did during that time. KC told them he had to interview and get his picture taken. While they were talking about this Fred threw in the Joe Rogan comedy bit where the two weight lifters are talking about their muscular asses and end up doing gay stuff but pretend that there's nothing wrong with it. They also played the ''KC's a Homo'' musical clip they play once in a while. Howard told KC that an hour and a half meeting was work so he should have gotten paid for it. KC said he is getting these photos out of the meeting so it wasn't really for free. KC continued to talk about the strange meeting and how they make you smile in the pictures. He said it was really gay. Fred threw in the clip from ''Fame'' where Coco has to get naked during an audition. KC didn't know the clip so Howard and Artie told him about that and how Irene Cara's boobs weren't all that great when she stripped down. They described them as being like ''raisins.'' Artie said that when KC goes to the race track with him, he's the only one there who has been to a meeting like that. KC said the guy doing the interview had a German accent so it was a little tough to understand him.
A guy called in and said that KC is supposed to be in a movie with Margot Kidder and he's going to be playing a bi-sexual. KC said he is doing a movie but he's supposed to be playing a detective, not a bi-sexual. This guy on the phone told him he should check the script again for the movie (Death 4 Told). KC said he did do one gay thing in college though. He said he made a rock video for a Lou Reed song or something where he played a part of a guy who was giving oral to other guys. KC said the gay stuff is funny but he's not gay himself. KC said that he and Buckethead used to go to college parties together holding hands and when people would say something to them, they'd beat them up. Howard thought that was kind of weird. They goofed on him about all of the gay stuff for a short time. Howard said most guys in college cast hot chicks in the parts they have for their movies and videos. KC told Howard how funny it is to goof on gay stuff and how beating up people when they make fun of him being gay is funny. Gary came in and said he and the guys were talking about KC's meeting with that guy and how they would have been out of there after just a few minutes.
Howard asked KC if these guys ever touch them during the meetings. KC said there was no touching going on and if anyone tried to do anything to him, he'd kill them. KC said that they sometimes touch your shoulder or something to pose you but that's about it. Howard and the guys were goofing on him and asking him if the guy rubbed any lotion on him. KC said that didn't happen.
Howard took a call from Dominic Barbara who had a theory about why KC finds all of that gay stuff funny. He said he seems to think that KC wants to please guys like this photographer because it's like he's trying to please his father. KC told him he was full of it and didn't know what he was talking about. Stuttering John said he knows what the guy is doing to the picture of KC right now. KC said he doesn't care about that though. The guys wanted KC to do some of the poses they had him doing at this meeting he was at. KC said he didn't want to do it though. Howard had to break again after that.
Howard had tape of Gary Garver interviewing a bunch of people at an FHM Sexiest Woman list party. First up was this guy Eddie Johnson from the Tennessee Titans. Gary asked him stuff like:
Michael Irvan was up next. Here's what Gary asked him:
Taryn Manning from the band Boomkat , who was on the show not too long ago, was up next. Here's what Gary Garver asked her:
Howard wondered what the big deal was about getting massages there at Scores. He said John and Gary both got massages and he never wants that. Gary said Howard never comes up for air when he's getting dances. He said he needs to get some air once in a while and that's why he got the massage. Jamie said there was one woman who tried to get him to drink while he was there but he doesn't drink alcohol. Howard sarcastically told him that's really horrible. Jamie said he had to go home and wank one out before he went to work. Jamie told Howard that he had to watch some porn to make it go quicker since he had to go to work. Howard and Artie wondered why he'd need porn after Scores to get off though. Howard asked him what he'd give his visit to Scores on a scale of 1 to 10. Jamie said he'd give it a 22.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked a couple of questions about the show that were pretty dopey. He asked how many listeners he has in the 37 year old range and if he's going to be bringing out any compilation CDs for his bits. Howard said he doesn't have any plans to do that at this point.
Howard played a Paul McCartney song that he had in his head last night for some reason. He talked about how disgusting he finds it that McCartney's kids are pissed at him for getting married and stuff. Howard then moved on to talk about this foreign film he read about where this woman gets an eye transplant and starts seeing weird stuff. He was thinking that he could option the movie to remake it for the U.S. market. Then this morning he read that Tom Cruise has already done that so he's out of luck. He said that he was thinking of changing it to a guy who gets a penis transplant instead.
Howard brought up Ashton Kutcher and how many chicks that kid is getting these days. Now he's been hanging around with Demi Moore. Howard talked about how strange Demi looks these days after having, what looks like, some plastic surgery. Robin and Howard talked about some actresses who have had plastic surgery and how odd they look. They talked about Meg Griffin and how she got surgery to make her lips bigger. Artie said the only thing he'd want from her is oral sex. He said that's all he'd let her do to him. They goofed around with that for a short time and then moved on.
Howard took a call from a guy who wondered if Demi Moore had her breast implants removed. Howard said he thinks she did because they were painfully large. Howard and the guys ended up talking about how they'd like to be other people or at least have the ability to have your head swapped out for someone else's. The caller also asked Howard if he saw the TaTu performance on the MTV Movie Awards. Howard didn't see it but said that those two are just poseurs and called them some names after talking about what they do. The caller also asked about Pink and if Howard thinks she should change her name to Piggly Wiggly. Howard said he thinks that she used to be a dude. He said he always thought she was a lesbian or something but she has a boyfriend. Howard pointed out how she's selling her hit song ''Get the Party Started'' to just about everyone she can. He started singing ''I'm selling out so get this commercial started'' to the song as Fred played a clip. The guys spent some time talking about that and how other bands have sold out with their songs. They said Led Zeppelin sold out with one of their songs that's on a Cadillac commercial. Howard was going to take a break but the guy on the phone said ''I love you Howard.'' Howard said he loves his audience as well and talked about how much help he got the other day when he asked his audience to help him get some info on those guys he's suing. He said the help he got was great. He took his break right after that.
Howard talked about some news stories he found interesting. He read about all of these guys at the NY Times who stepped down after that one reporter came out and said that he was writing phony stories for them. Howard also brought up some stories about a few other people in the news like Martha Stewart. Howard said it's kind of ridiculous that they're going after Martha Stewart when there are guys from Enron who are being ignored. They cost people billions of dollars and Martha is the one who is making the news. Howard read that they government isn't going after Enron because everything is too complicated. Howard said Martha could have taken a plea bargain to do 10 months in jail but she doesn't want to go to jail.
Howard also pointed out how Liz Smith is kissing Demi Moore's ass in her column saying that she should go for it with Ashton.
Howard brought up this guy who died recently, Wrestler Fred Blasse. Howard said he loved that guy and no one was making a big deal about it for some reason. He played a couple of quick clips of the guy before moving on to other stuff.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard had some info about the Enron guys wrong. He pointed out how the guys at Enron are friends with George W. Bush, not Dick Cheney like he'd said earlier. The guy said that Howard was just covering up for George W. and didn't like that. Howard apologized for his mistake and said that he wasn't trying to cover anything up. He had to hang up on the guy who wouldn't stop yelling at him.
Howard said the Miss Universe pageant was on the other day so he played some clips from that. The questions they were asking were just ridiculous. He and the guys goofed on the girls answers.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who had a story about a stripper but the guy was saying stuff that Howard had to hit the delay button on. He asked the guy not to mention the name of the club or the stripper's name. The guy went on to tell Howard how this stripper let him give her oral back stage this year and last year. Howard heard the short story and asked him why he would give a stripper oral sex. Howard wondered why he'd want to get her off. Howard asked him why he didn't just let her get him off. He said she didn't get off though so neither of them got anything. Howard told the guy that he doesn't know what kinds of disease she might have down there. Howard told the guy he doesn't give oral for two years into a relationship. Howard ended up getting off the phone with the guy a short time later.
After hearing all of that Howard said Ralph may have accidentally said something about Angie not meaning to make a story about it. Ralph and Robin are supposed to go see some show tonight with Al Pacino and Marissa Tomei. Howard said he wants to see that show as well but it's closing this weekend. Robin said she head that Marissa does a dance of 7 veils and may get a little naked in the show as well.
Gary came in and said they wanted to discuss with Ralph why he billed 40 hours of overtime to E! out in Las Vegas. Ralph said he didn't want to discuss that on the air and he didn't bill that much overtime. He said he didn't want to talk about it on the air and it was no one's business but his own.
Howard changed subjects again and talked about how Ralph missed the screening of ''The Matrix Reloaded'' movie because he was too busy to check his e-mail the day before. Howard goofed on him a little bit about that but Ralph was denying that as well. They talked about how Ralph asked to have more advance notice about stuff like that but he denied that too. Howard had to wrap things up but he let Ian get in a plug for his book ''Everyone's Burning.''
Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked for his advice on gaining weight. Howard said that's a ridiculous question and if someone asks him a question like that he should hang up on him. Artie suggested putting butter on a donut to gain some weight. Howard and the rest of the guys told him to just eat and keep eating as much as he can. Howard let the guy stay on the phone to play ''Guess Who's The Jew.'' Fred became Kurt Waldheim Jr. and goofed on Benjy for a short time. Howard then found out that the caller, Kevin, was German. Kurt said that was perfect and gave him his three choices under the category ''Annoying, Young and Stupid.'' Here are the choices he had:
Howard introduced Shuli who was sitting in this morning. This guy Shuli has been calling into the show for years now. Turns out he's a comedian.
Howard got Mike Walker on the phone after introducing Shuli. Last week Mike missed the show for some reason so they didn't play the game. Mike explained what happened and how he had to take a flight home from London that morning and missed the show. Mike said he was over there celebrating the 10th anniversary of the National Enquirer being in that country. He said he was doing interviews and stuff so Howard said he really is ''The National Enquirer'' to everyone because he's the one who does all of the interviews and stuff. Mike talked about that for a minute before Howard had him play his game. Here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories:
Howard gave Shuli a plug for the comedy gigs he has coming up. He's appearing at The Brunswick Zone in Glassboro, New Jersey tonight and at the Dunellen Theater in Dunellen, New Jersey Saturday night with KC, Reverend Bob Levy and Jim Florentine. He also has a DVD out called ''No Laughing Matter that's available at RenegadeComedy.com. Shuli told Howard about the DVD and what that's all about. Artie sadi he saw it and it's pretty funny. After talking to Shuli for a couple of minutes he had Robin start her news. The guys ended up talking about Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and David Spade for a short time after Fred played one of Sandler's songs. Howard was saying how he loves Sandler's dog and that somehow led to him talking about how funny Rob Schneider was in ''Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo'' and some of his other movies. Howard said ''Deuce Bigalow'' was one of the funniest movie's he's seen. They were also talking about David Spade and Robin mentioned that she saw the trailer for his new movie and it doesn't look very good. He said Mary McCormack plays his mother in the movie. Mary also played Howard's wife in ''Private Parts.'' Howard thought that was pretty funny because he thinks Spade is older than both of them. He said he heard that Spade is like 50 or something like that (Spade is only 38, Mary is 34). They goofed aroudn with that for a couple of minutes before getting back to the news.