Howard had a revelation this morning... He's been doing the same stupid job for a long time. He said he was walking down the hall and he realized he's been doing this job longer than most of the guys that he started out with. A lot of them are out of the business. Howard mentioned Meg Griffin and how she's still on radio but she's on satellite radio which isn't even in service yet. He spent a couple of minutes talking about that whole thing and how the receivers aren't even being produced yet. He said it's a weird business that's going to have a slow roll out. Howard said he's seen the studios these companies are using and there's a lot of money being pumped into it. But no one can hear it yet! The satellites are up and the studios are ready, they just need to get receivers out to the public.
Howard said he went to see ''American Pie 2'' over the weekend but it didn't have that great of a story. He thought the first one was better. He said ''American Pie 2'' wasn't bad, it just wasn't as good as the first one. Howard didn't like the first one the first time he saw it. It took a second look for him to come around.
Howard also saw ''The Others'' and he really liked that one. He said it was ''really good'' and he doesn't know why it's not bigger than it is. Howard says Nicole Kidman was actually really good in the movie. Stuttering John said he saw it and actually screamed out at one scary point in the movie.
Howard said his two youngest kids are back from summer camp so he's been busy with them. He said when they come home they're bored out of their minds so they expect him to keep them entertained. Howard said his father never really entertained him as a kid so he doesn't know why he has to. We found out that Howard's father used to build a lot of their furniture himself. Howard said he'd try to help his father but his father would never let him. His father wouldn't even let him mow the lawn because he didn't do it just the way he wanted him to. Howard told a couple of stories about his father getting on his case about various things throughout his life. He could never do anything right. Even when he sent his father a tape of his college radio show his father told him it was horrible. Howard said it really wasn't that great back then so it was a good critique for him. Howard said his mother didn't believe in praising him when he did something right. Everyone was questioning Howard about all of this and even ''Sam Kinison'' (Craig Gass) pointed out that his parents never praised him for anything because they didn't believe in it, but when he'd mow the lawn and not do it just right, they'd tell him he sucks and he can't ever do it again.
Howard said he tried not to raise his own kids the way his parents raised him but his kids have said that he did talk down to them like they were inferior or something. Now that he's gone to therapy for years he doesn't treat them like that. Stuttering John thinks that Howard treats his employees like that instead.
Howard was deep into this conversation and he just wanted to stop. He suggested they talk about Craig Gass' parents who were both deaf. Craig spent a couple of minutes talking about what it was like to have two parents and a sister who were deaf. Craig said that his mother was always deaf while his father had a freak accident and both of his ear drums were popped when he was a kid. His sister got his mother's bad hearing gene while Craig got his dad's good gene. Craig said that one of his kids could get his mother's gene passed down to them. Howard said that's why many years ago families would send their deaf kids off into the snow to die so the bad genes wouldn't continue. Howard joked that Craig shouldn't even be walking around on this planet if that were the way people still thought.
After a commercial break Howard said everyone was talking about Craig's hair today. It's jet black and everyone noticed that it must have been dyed. Craig admitted he's dying it because he does have some gray hair. He does it himself with some crap he buys in the store and it looks like shoe polish according to Howard. Robin said everyone in the hall was laughing about how funny his hair looked after he walked past them so she had to know what that was all about. Craig said that he really doesn't care what people think of him anyway so he's going to continue doing it himself.
Jonathan also said they've worked a deal with Hustler magazine who also had some nudes of Cindy Margolis printed in their magazine. They have those pictures as well as Greg's previously unseen pictures on the site.
Howard said Freddie wasn't going to do his show but Howard complained that he actually likes the movies Freddie has done so he wanted him to come in. Freddie came in and his hair was all gone. He said he had to shave it because he'd been bleaching it blond for the ''Scooby Doo'' movie he was working on and it made a mess out of his hair.
Howard said that Freddie has a ''no nudity'' clause in his contract so he'll never appear naked in a movie. In this new movie, he has a body double who they used for ass shots. Freddie said that one guy quit the job because his friends were goofing on him so they replaced him with a guy who had a bigger ass. So in the movie you'll see two different asses in place of Freddie's real ass.
Howard brought up the fact that Freddie is dating Sarah Michelle Gellar and spoke to him about that for a few minutes. Freddie said they're actually engaged but he wouldn't give Howard a wedding date. Howard wondered if she's going to become ''Sarah Michelle Prinze Jr.'' Freddie said she may take the Prinze last name but not the Jr. part.
Howard and Freddie also talked about Freddie's father and how he found out about what happened to him. Freddie said his uncle ended up giving him all of the details of his father's too-short life after kids in school told him his father was a ''...junkie who shot himself in the head.'' Freddie claims that he's never even touched a drug himself because his life is great without them.
Howard couldn't get off the marriage thing and he tried to talk Freddie out of doing it. Freddie said he's going to get married and Howard can't change his mind. Howard thinks he'll come crawling back to him in 10 years or so and admit that it was a bad idea to get married. Freddie said he hadn't really thought about a pre-nuptial agreement until Howard mentioned it today. Sarah has plenty of money herself so they might have to sign one for her safety. She's got a big Maybelline makeup deal which was apparently record breaking for a makeup model.
Freddie told Howard that he gets $2 million per movie now and that's plenty for him. He said he doesn't strive to be a ''$20 Million man'' in the movies because he makes plenty as it is. He told Howard he's invested in comic books. He's spent a lot of money on rare comic books which have gone up in value since he bought them.
Freddie is so into comic books that he really wanted the part of ''Spider-Man'' in the upcoming movie. But he didn't get it.
Freddie told Howard when he and his previous girlfriend of three and a half years broke up he gave her a bunch of money so she wouldn't have to worry about anything. He said he had tons of money so he had no problem doing that for her. That's why he and Sarah shouldn't have a problem with a pre-nuptial.
Howard was still trying to tell Freddie that it's a bad idea to get married. He asked Freddie who he thinks of when he pleasures himself. He claims it's Sarah but Howard doesn't believe it. Howard also said he had ''...five words for you... Billy Joel. He dropped Christie Brinkley...'' Five more words ''Tom Cruise'' who dropped Nicole Kidman. Freddie kept saying that Sarah is really hot and he thinks their marriage will be great. Howard was just trying to help.
Howard thinks Freddie's new movie will do well and he brought up some of the other movies he's been in. Howard said he loved ''She's All That.'' Robin said Howard wouldn't shut up about that movie after he saw it. Howard wrapped up the interview without taking any phone calls.
Howard also had an article from Radio and Records about how to beat him in the morning ratings. Howard read through the article which started off saying what a big deal he is in the business. Then they go on to say that Howard has dropped in the ratings recently. Howard said he doesn't know where that whole thing has come from because he's still number one in New York, Philadelphia, Los Angeles (actually number 2), Cleveland and Boston. He thinks that these radio guys have just started to say that so it seems like it's true. Howard went on to read how this group of people has teamed up to try and figure out how to beat him in the ratings. They have this big plan on beating him by 2004 because they figured it would take two and a half years to actually beat him. They want to find someone who is funnier, yet kinder than Howard to do what he does, but in a different way. It was all nonsense and Howard can't believe people sit around doing this crap.
KC came in and said that the people from the Maury Povich show have been hounding Jonathan to do their show. John said they're calling him at home offering to get him a woman. John knows who really loves him though, Howard. We'll probably be hearing more about Rochelle and Jonathan's date after it happens.
Jonathan's segments from 2 weeks ago will be airing on E! tonight through Wednesday. We'll get to see the woman who was so freaked out by Jonathan's looks that she ran out of the studio as well as the woman he screwed.
Mr. Product said that he regrets never taking the chance on the Rubik's cube toy when he had the chance years ago. He said he didn't really have the money to do anything with it when he had the chance so he wasn't able to.
A few people called in with their ideas and asked Mr. Product what he can do for them. Mr. Product said you can go to his web site to find out how you can get your great invention marketed. He said they have to evaluate the product and the financial situation of the people who are trying to get it out there. It's a fee based company but he said they'll sometimes help the people out financially.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said he had an idea for a special alarm for your glasses which would let you know where your misplaced glasses are. Mr. Product thought it was a good idea but Howard thought it was kind of useless. Mr. Product said it's a convenience thing that a lot of people might find useful. He told Chaunce to head over to his web site to fill out the legal forms to get his idea marketed. Another caller said he has a patented tuna can opener that keeps your hands clean. He said he wants to bring it in to show Howard what it is. He claims that he's got a company that's ready to produce it already.
Howard watched the Fox News special where Bill O'Reilly did an interview with Marilyn Manson but there was nothing current in it. Howard thought they'd have something about Marilyn's alleged sexual assault on a security guard. Howard said he turned it off when he realized it was a pre-taped interview that wasn't even current.
Howard took a phone call from a woman who wanted to know if his girlfriend has the ''love me daddy'' complex that Howard claims all of his employees seem to have. She wanted to know if Beth, who's about 20 years younger than Howard, looks at him like a father. Howard said he really doesn't care and he turned it around on the woman saying that men are going to lose interest in her in a few years because she's getting old at the age of 34. He told her she has about 3 years left before her youthful skin turns sour and men start ignoring her.
King of all Blacks called in and said Freddie Prinze Jr. was crying on the Teen Choice Awards last night. Howard had a quick discussion about Prinze and how he tried to warn the guy not to get married to Sarah Michelle Gellar but Freddie thinks he's different than most guys. Howard reminded everyone how his aunts and uncles all warned him not to get married when he was hooking up with his now ex-wife.
Howard had a new song parody that he performed a little bit of. It was to the Afroman ''Because I Got High'' song and it was about Crazy Cabbie and some of the lyrics were about ''Because I Smoke Guys'' and ''Because I'm a Dumb Guy.'' There were a lot of references to Cabbie being gay in the song of course. Howard wants to get Cabbie to perform the song himself for the final recording of the song.
Howard brought up the Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum offer he talked about on yesterday's show. Howard wants to know if he's going to get paid for this. Of course he's not going to make any money off it so why would he do it? Howard got another letter from the people at the museum and they say they'll do the portrait without Howard sitting through the measuring process. Howard just wants to be paid but they told him they've never paid anyone to create a wax figure of them. Howard wondered why someone would sit through that other than the fact that they have a huge ego.
Howard got a letter from an intern by the name of Angela who wants to have her picture taken with him before she leaves. She wants one picture with Howard's hands caressing her 34-C breasts. Howard said he'd love to do that for Angela, but he just can't do it because she works for the show. Gary suggested that she leave and come back in a week as a fan instead of an intern.
Everyone was amazed that Howard wipes from back to front when everyone else wipes from front to back. Howard said he just wasn't taught the correct way and now he's wondering how his parents wipe. He said he'd call them after the Henry Rollins interview.
Howard went through a bunch of other celebrity names that Henry mentioned in one of his books. He bad mouthed people like Eric Clapton, Michael Bolton, Courtney Love, Rosie O'Donnell, Morrissey, The Offspring, Sylvester Stallone and Sting's wife Trudy Styler.
Howard asked Henry if there are any bands out there today that he enjoys. Henry said he really hasn't heard any of the current bands playing. He said he's gotten to the age where he says ''back in my day'' there was better music and more talented bands. He talked about how years ago bands actually needed some talent to create a great album but today the production studios change everything around to make horrible stuff sound good. He also said it's all about the look of the artist and the show they put on instead of the pure talent.
Howard kept going through all of the notes in his hand and he'd ask Henry about more and more bands and other performers that he wasn't a fan of. He's not a fan of Jim Carrey's movie's and although he's never seen an Adam Sandler movie, he's a fan of his from Saturday Night Live. Howard agreed that Sandler was funny on SNL but he doesn't think his movies are any good. Henry finally started talking about some of the bands he does like after Howard played a little bit of his new album and took some phone calls. Henry is a fan of Van Halen, Metallica's and the Grateful Dead. He said the Grateful Dead had one of the best rhythm sections he's ever heard. Howard took a few more phone calls and played some more of the Rollins Band's new single ''Your Number is One'' before wrapping up the interview. Some of the callers think that Henry is just a jealous, bitter, angry guy because of the way he was bad mouthing the other bands but it was just his opinions that Howard was bringing up. Henry defended his right to say what he wants about other bands without getting upset by the phone calls.
Howard found out that Andre AND Tom Chuisano were back in the ''editing room'' hitting the button together during the toilet paper interview earlier in the show. They were censoring the crap out of the show so to speak. Howard freaked out, of course, and said he wants to know why they're ruining his show again. Howard threatened us saying ''four more years'' and he's out of the business. Just like he did for the 5 years after he signed his last contract. He claims that he's serious this time and he's done with radio when his current contract is up in four and a half years.
Listeners called in and let Howard know how f'd up the show sounded because of the delay hits. Tom Chiusano came in and tried to defend what he and Andre do. He told Howard that, ''unfortunately, it's a very important job'' that someone has to do. Howard wonders what Andre's career is going to become after being the censor for the show for 5 years or so. Howard threatened to send an E! camera in to watch Andre on the button but Tom says that's not going to happen. He won't allow it but Howard said he'll have the door removed from the room so they can't stop him. Even Stephen Baldwin called in and told Tom how ridiculous the censoring is on the show. His cell phone was breaking up so it wasn't much of an argument but he gave it his best shot. Through the whole rant session Fred kept playing buzzer sound effects that were supposed to be like the censoring that Tom and Andre were doing. It was subtle but hilarious. Every time someone would say something Fred would hit the buzzer sound.
Two guys, Jay and Rob, came in claiming they know a lot about sports trivia. Howard had a quick quiz to go through with both of them. He went back and forth between the two of them but neither one was really a stand out. They knew some trivia but not enough to make them a lifeline for Robin. Howard and the rest of the guys thought they'd know more than they did. Howard decided not let either one be Robin's lifeline.
Crazy Cabbie called in and said that his boss, Cane (Cane and Cabbie, 2 to 6 on New York's K-Rock), is a big sports trivia guy. Howard said he'll have to get him down to the studio to test him out.
Howard also talked to Cabbie about a window he broke at the station when he got mad at Cane for some reason. Cabbie always has some controversy surrounding him and this was just the latest thing. He said he had to pay for the broken window but it can't be replaced yet because it's a union job and the union is on strike or something like that. He's always got something going on.
Another caller says that he's been studying Regis Philbin's facial expressions and he can tell when Regis is reading the correct answer. Howard said he's going to have this guy come in and prove that he can do that. It sounds like a scam to me.
Howard played the final version of the Crazy Cabbie ''Because I Like Guys'' song parody to the tune of Afroman's ''Because I Got High.'' They had a Cabbie impersonator doing the voice of Crazy Cabbie but it was still pretty good.
Howard played some Bob Schimmel comedy to start off a discussion about the Fox pilot TV show that Bob did. Howard said some guy gave him a copy of the unaired pilot and he said it was actually very good. Howard said he was expecting a piece of crap but the show was very funny and Bob added a lot of energy to it. Bob claims that Fox held off on airing the pilot because of his cancer fight and now it seems to have been shelved indefinitely. Howard's hoping they'll air it some day though.
Howard got back to doing more Afroman ''Because I Got High'' song parodies. He had 3 versions that he was thinking of doing when Afroman appeared later in the morning. The first one was about his divorce and it was called ''Because I'm A Guy.'' The second one was about Ted Kennedy titled ''I Drink and Drive.'' Finally he had one about Jackie the Joke Man leaving the show called ''Because I'm a Greedy Guy.'' Each one was only one verse just to give us a taste of what it would be like. Howard said he started another one about General Manager Tom Chiusano but he never finished it.
Howard took a quick call from Ted Zagat (see below) and then took a bunch of phone calls about various things. One caller asked about Jackie coming back to the show but, once again, Howard said he's not coming back and the money they were paying him is already going to other people who are working on the show now. He's explained all of this a few times in the past so he didn't spend much time on it again today.
Howard commented on the fact that Connie Chung is going to get an exclusive interview with Gary Condit. Howard knows she's going to do a lame interview so he talked about what he'd ask the guy about if he got an interview with him. Howard said he'd try to get every detail about dating an intern and how Condit was able to do that. Greg Fitzsimmons suggested that Howard could have hot interns walking through the studio the whole time to distract Condit. Howard said he'd probably play a ''dating game'' with Condit.
Ted told Howard he wasn't familiar with the Scores strip club but he did read the review for Howard and said it got a 23 out of 30 points which is very good for any club. Howard only spent about 5 minutes on the phone with Ted just to find out about the Scores thing. You can check out Zagat.com for more ratings.
''Gene'' told Howard that the latest KISS product is the KISS toilet which will be a pay toilet and ''Gene'' himself will come out to collect the money from you every month. He said there will also be a ''KISS Douche'' on sale soon also.
Jessica Hahn called in and said she was unable to tell the difference between the two ''Genes'' on the radio. She said she's met the real Gene a few times and she thinks they might have had sex but she wasn't so sure they wanted to talk about that. She eventually said she gave Gene oral sex. Howard filled Gene in on Jessica's current situation. She's not married but she's got a rich guy supporting her. She hooked up with the creator of ''Married with Children'' and he's got her in an apartment. They screw each other but live in separate homes. They spent a few minutes on that subject before Jessica got off the phone.
''Gene'' told Howard that another great KISS concept is the KISS Kondo which will be a whole gated community of KISS fans. He said that they wondered how they could get even more money out of the KISS fans and the KISS Kondo community was the idea. ''Gene'' also said there's a ''KISS Kids Klub, KKK'' where kids can collect nickles and dimes until they get $10 and then send it in for a genuine KISS photo.
For some reason Gene pulled out his wallet and Howard noticed it was full of cash. Howard made him count it and he had $5,621 in checks and cash and a fake $1 million bill that Howard couldn't figure out.
Howard took a few phone calls for Gene and one guy said there was some party for Gene last night that he was at last night. Gene said it was a surprise party for the release of his new magazine ''Gene Simmons Tongue.'' This was the real ene talking about this by the way. He said the magazine will be a cross between Playboy, Rolling Stone and Maxim magazines. On the cover will be a celebrity with their tongue out like Gene does in his act. Everything in the magazine will reference tongues.
Gene also hosted the Miss Nude USA Pageant last weekend and it'll be airing on HBO in the near future. Gene said that the contest was full of young strippers and nudists. He said there are 20 winners out of 150 contestants or something like that.
The real Gene Simmons cut off his long hair and Howard wanted to know why he did it. Gene said he got an acting job that he can't talk about and that's why he cut off the hair. He said he's done it in the past so it wasn't a big deal to him.
Missy, a woman claiming that she finds women for Gene to have sex with, came in quickly to talk to Howard. Gene wasn't so sure about her claims but he let her talk about it. She had a friend of hers with her who was supposed to be Gene's next woman. The friend said she wasn't aware that she was supposed to sleep with him though. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that but not before ''Gene'' told everyone about the KISS bank account. He said now you don't have to worry about not spending enough of your paycheck on KISS merchandise. They automatically deduct 10% of your deposits out of your account and it goes directly to KISS.
You can find out more about KISS merchandise at KISSOnline.com
Howard also mentioned this McDonalds controversy where some security company that was running their Monopoly contest had a guy who stole the game pieces and sold them to friends of his so they could win the game. Howard said there will probably be tons of lawsuits over the thing because people basically had no chance of winning the contest because of this one guy who was stealing the game pieces.
To test Beetlejuice's memory Howard brought in 3 women, one of which was Arden Myrin, his co-star in the movie. Beetle claimed that he had sex with all three of the women who came in. Howard had Beetle pick the one he thought was his co-star and he actually picked the right one!
Howard spoke to Arden for a couple of minutes about her career. She's been in a couple of other movies including ''Constructing Harry'' and ''What Women Want.''
Arden said when she met Beetlejuice on the set she was warned not to be ''too nice'' to him because he might flash her. She said all of the women on the set got that warning. She said in one scene Beetle grabbed a hand full of her breast when he wasn't supposed to. Arden also shared other stories about him acting weird on the set of the movie. He's not an easy guy to work with according to Arden. She said they had to have a guy feeding Beetlejuice his lines during the filming. He also forgot to hump someone's leg in one scene so the actor had to shake his leg and tell Beetle to ''hump my leg'' to remind him of what he was supposed to do.
Howard reminded us that months ago when they shot behind-the-scenes stuff with Beetle he was very depressed and upset that he was away from home. Beetle didn't seem to remember that and said that the tears he shed were all fake tears.
Beetlejuice had a fight scene with Vern Troyer, the guy who played Mini-Me in the ''Austin Powers'' movie, and Arden said he was very gentle. She said Beetle was afraid of hurting Vern so he was very careful during the fight shoot. Beet said he just had no reason to want to hurt the little guy.
Howard said that Arden wasn't wearing a bra this morning and her breasts looked very nice in the outfit she was wearing. Beetle was one of the few lucky guys who have copped a feel of those breasts.
Howard got a phone call from a guy who said Beetlejuice got kicked off an airplane because he was sitting in first class when he wasn't supposed to be there. Howard had to get Beetlejuice's manager Sean in to talk about the situation. Sean said he tried to get upgraded to first class but they wouldn't let him purchase the upgrade tickets. The one flight attendant told Sean in a very rude way to listen to what another person told him and just get into his seat in coach. Sean said he told Beetle that she was just being a bitch and tried to move him back to their seats. The flight attendant heard the ''bitch'' reference and told them they weren't getting on the plane. She then called the cops on them and had them removed from the airplane.
Howard wrapped up the interview and said that you can find out more about Beetlejuice and where he'll be appearing at JollyDwarf.com. He also said he had to thank the two other women who claimed to be Arden at the beginning of the segment, Missy and Tammy. We also learned from Sean that there's a Beetlejuice action figure coming out in December of this year. We should hear more about that when it actually comes out.
Kevin was also in to play a game of ''Win Fred's Money.''
Kevin said he hopes that the movie will open with a $10-15 million weekend. He said he'll use the money from the earnings for a weight loss program. He said he's up to about 280 pounds right now.
Kevin told Howard he was offered the chance to do the ''Tonight Show'' tonight so he had the opportunity to just stay in L.A. and miss Howard's show or fly out to New York and back to L.A. in the same day. He said he knows where his bread is buttered so he came out to do Howard's show and he has to fly back to L.A. right after the show.
After talking to Kevin for a couple of minutes Howard got to the ''Win Fred's Money'' game. They have $10,000 up for grabs and all Kevin had to do was get more answers correct than Fred could. Howard had seven questions and rattled them off to Kevin to answer. Here are the questions and correct answers to the game:
Howard had this guy Afroman come in. Howard has been playing Afroman's song ''Because I Got High'' from the ''Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back'' soundtrack for weeks now and the song has made the guy a hit out of nowhere. Afroman had no career before the song hit big and he still doesn't have much going on in his life. He said when the song started getting big he had no money. People were downloading it from Napster.com and there was no money to be found. He said that now he doesn't even get high because he's got too much to do. He said he has to be on time for the Stern show and stuff like that so he doesn't get high like he used to.
A bunch the other cast members from ''Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back'' came in to talk to Howard. Kevin's wife, who appears in the movie, was in as well as Jay Mewes who plays Jay. Howard spoke to each of them for a couple of quick minutes and performed his three special verses for the possible song parodies he can do with the song ''Because I Got High.'' Howard told Afroman that he thinks the song will be a really big hit, even bigger than it is already.
Howard also noticed that Jay has ''gone Hollywood'' and fixed his teeth. Jay was kind of embarrassed to admit it but Kevin said they fixed them so he'd have a presentable smile. Howard said that just ain't right because he's not supposed to have a presentable smile. He's supposed to look like a normal, pot-smoking guy. Howard wrapped up the interview shortly after that discussion.
Artie Lange spent some time talking to Howard about his days in rehab for his cocaine addiction. He told Howard how they made him write a letter to cocaine talking about why he liked the drug. He said he told the rehab people he wasn't going to write a letter to cocaine and they told him he'd be in there for a long time if he didn't write it. He said he did it just so he could get out of there. Artie said he wrote the letter telling ''cocaine'' what it was that worked and didn't work while they had a ''relationship.'' He said he thinks he had the best writing abilities in his group. He also had to write a letter to his mother and then read the letters in front of the other people in the group of addicts he was in with. Artie said he can really relate to the Afroman song ''Because I Got High'' because the lyrics fit right in with his own life.
Howard mentioned how a lot of people don't think ''Because I Got High'' is a pro-drug song but he views it as an anti-drug song. Afroman sings about how his getting high screwed up everything in his life.
Howard said his girlfriend told him that he talks in his sleep and it's very strange when he does it. He said he can't remember any of it though. She told him how he was talking about how he didn't want to get up and how it was an ''osmosis.'' He thinks he must have been trying to say it was an ''oasis'' and he was just so out of it he didn't know. She also told him he rolled on his side, lifted the covers, let out the biggest, loudest wet fart and then covered himself back up. Artie said that's called a ''covered wagon'' when you do a fart like that.
Howard spent a short time on the Gary Condit news that he'll be doing an interview with Connie Chung tonight. He said he wants to watch it but he'll have to tape it and watch it before the show tomorrow.
Beetlejuice called in from Syracuse, New York telling Howard he had gotten laid last night. He put a call-girl by the name of Misty on the phone but she said she didn't do anything with him. She said that she charges $225 to go over and see them but Beetle is so freaky that she's not going to do anything with him. Howard got Beet back on the phone and told him that she's not going to do anything for him. He still thought that she would be doing him but Howard kept telling him that she wasn't. Howard didn't want Beet to get burned so he tried to warn him about her. Howard got the girl back on the phone and she said she wasn't going to talk about what she was going to do. She told Howard Beetle was standing there naked touching himself while she was on the phone. She claims that she's a hot chick so Howard wondered why she's a whore. She didn't have an explanation though. Beetle's manager Sean said that she's really hot. She's 5'9'' tall and weighs about 115 pounds. Sean let Howard listen in while the chick and Beetle did their thing. Beet takes a long time so Howard had to take a break and come back to it. When that happened Beetle was still going. Howard let them keep going while he brought in Paul Rodriguez.
Howard convinced Paul to talk about other things because the Beetlejuice thing wasn't even close to coming to an end. Howard put Missy on hold and gave up on the Beetlejuice thing.
Paul shared a story about a fund raiser he did for Gary Condit before all of this Chandra Levy controversy happened. Paul said he supported Condit because he helped out the farmers in his area. There were some cheerleaders performing at the fund raising event and Paul claims that Gary Condit hit on one of the hotter ones right in front of him. Paul said Condit gave her his card and offered to give her a tour of Washington DC if she ever went there. Paul said he wasn't offended by that behavior, he was proud that his congressman was a normal guy. Howard and Paul spent some time talking about what's probably going to happen during the Connie Chung interview tonight.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and gave Paul some plugs for all of the stuff he's doing. Paul will be appearing at Caroline's Comedy Club from today until Sunday in New York City. He's also appearing in the movie ''Rat Race'' and the upcoming movie ''Ali'' with Will Smith. Paul ended up talking quite a bit about the time he spent in Africa while filming ''Ali'' and how horrible it was over there. He had to have someone watch over his stuff while he was there so it wouldn't get stolen. He convinced a guy to watch his stuff but telling the guy that it was his when he left the country. He gave all of his stuff to the guy as a gift for just making sure it didn't get stolen while he was there. It worked because he was the only one who didn't have anything stolen while they were there. Paul had a lot of other stuff to say but Howard was running out of time and he had to take a break.
Bob was also in to talk about his magazine ''Gear'' which is kind of like Maxim or GQ. They get hot chicks to appear on the cover of the magazine in bra and panties which Howard says he likes. This month they have a special Third Anniversary issue in which Craig Kilborn is a special guest editor. Howard said Craig looks really odd on the cover even though he's got a few hot chicks there with him.
Howard spent a little bit of time talking to Bob about how he and his father don't talk to each other. They've gone through all of this during previous interviews and there wasn't anything new to talk about. Bob Jr. Says his father just doesn't talk to him. He said he doesn't think his father hates him but he doesn't want to talk to him for some reason.
Howard found out that Bob isn't going to have a pre-nuptial agreement with his new bride and that surprised him also. Bob said he just didn't want to go through that whole thing. He said that his fiance is a jeweler who has her own money so he doesn't think she'll want his money if their marriage doesn't work out. As Howard was wrapping up the interview he told Bob that he'd do a guest editor gig if he allows him to photograph his new wife for the cover of the magazine. Howard said that's the only person he'd concentrate on for the issue and he'd interview her about Bob. Bob said if he said no his fiance would probably call him up and say she'd be thrilled to do it so they left it up in the air.
Howard then started the long discussion about the Gary Condit interview. Howard said the most annoying phrase of the interview was ''...out of respect to the Levy family...'' that Condit used each time Connie Chung asked a question about the missing intern. Howard said that Connie Chung did a pretty good job with the interview but he would have done it much different if it were his interview. He said that he learned a couple of things after watching the interview. Howard said that Condit is a very scary looking guy and he now thinks that he looks even more guilty than he may actually be. Howard and the whole crew discussed the interview and all of the questions that were raised and answered.
Howard also said that he thought that Gary Condit's daughter was really hot. He said he's sure that only guys picked up on that but she was hot according to Howard and the other guys. This whole discussion went on for quite a while. Bloated Attorney Dominic Barbara called in with his theory that Chandra Levy is still alive and what she's doing is just punishing Condit for having an affair with him. Dominic thinks she's in hiding and she'll eventually come out and do a Playboy spread.
Jessica Hahn also called in to straighten out Dominic on something he'd said about her. He'd said something about how he thought the whole Condit thing was set up and he knew the questions ahead of time like Jessica did during her controversial case many years ago. Jessica said she never knew what was going to happen ahead of time back then. They went over all of that before Howard moved on. Howard said he heard that Chandra Levy actually went into the ''Big Brother'' house and that's why no one has seen her since she disappeared. Howard said the show gets such low ratings that no one would see her there. It would be a great place to hide.
Howard did a lame mock interview with a tape of a woman asking similar questions that Connie Chung asked Gary Condit. He just avoided questions about his girlfriend like Condit did with the Chandra Levy questions.
Howard also pointed out that 50 year old Barbara has giant breasts and he said he's never made love to a woman with breasts that large. She claims that they're natural breasts, not implants.
Howard let Barbara go through a bunch of her theories about relationships and how men and women can make them last. Howard thinks that any marriage can last if the people in that marriage are committed to compromising on a lot of stuff. If they don't want to compromise then every marriage will eventually fail. He says he doesn't believe that there is any such thing as a ''soul mate'' either. Howard ripped through this interview in 20 minutes so he could get to the next interview. He quickly let Barbara give some of her ideas about marriage and then cut her off a little early.
Howard found out that Linn has thought about having lesbian sex but she hasn't done anything yet. You can see pictures of her with women on her web site but those are not ''real'' sex scenes. She said those are staged pictures so she hasn't had real lesbian sex yet. She did say she enjoys anal.
Howard spent a little while talking to Linn about her last sex encounter which happened about a week ago. He went through each detail of how she met to the guy right up to when they had sex.
Howard took a phone call from a guy who said he'd give Linn $1000 if she'd get naked in the studio. A few seconds later Gary came running in with a check from iWon.com for $1000. Howard asked her to get completely naked but she was on the rag so she said she'd only get topless. They eventually agreed to that and she took off her pink dress. Howard said when she took it off her breasts popped right out of her bra. She was wearing it in such a way that they weren't really in the bra, they just stuck right out of it. Howard checked her out and even got to feel her breasts because he didn't believe they were real. After feeling them he believed her.
Howard gave her a couple of plugs for her web site and the place she's appearing. Linn will be appearing at Twirll Night Club in Manhattan this Saturday night. You can get in at half price if you mention her name. For more info check out VIPGuestList.com. You can also check out Linn's personal web site at ThomasTime.com
Howard then took a break and came back to play the Mike Walker Gossip Game. Linn stuck around to play the game. Howard got Mike on the phone and spoke to him for a couple of minutes. Mike wanted to argue with Linn about her claim that she is the only woman to have appeared in both Playboy and Penthouse as a centerfold. He named a few other women who have appeared in both magazines but he wasn't sure that they were ''centerfold'' models. That didn't last too long though and Mike didn't make that big of a deal out of it.
Howard got to the game after a couple of minutes so here's how it goes... Each week Mike Walker, gossip editor for the National Enquirer, calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. The stories will appear in Mike's gossip column each week after he plays with Howard. Here are this week's stories: