Howard started off the show saying that they were going to be talking to Sandra Bernhard and a doctor who helps women get over their addiction with vibrators. He said that they have Homeless Jeopardy coming soon too. He said they have a dial-a-date with Sable the wrestler coming soon as well.
Robin said that she was reading something about Sable recently and she her husband ended up stealing a bunch of interview tapes that she was part of.
After an edited out break Howard said he was watching someone performing at Woodstock and they asked the crowd to sing along but no one was singing. He spent a minute on that and then moved on to the Gary Garver interview he had.
Howard's Los Angeles interviewer Gary Garver went out and interviewed Alan Young who used to play Wilbur on the ''Mr. Ed'' TV show. Gary asked him questions like:
After Howard played that he was thinking of the old ''Mr. Ed'' bits they've done in the past. He had Fred play ''Mr. Ed Meets Jessica Hahn'' as a tribute. Howard and the guys talked about how funny some of that stuff was in that bit. Howard said that it was inspired by Jessica's story about Sam Kinison falling asleep while he was inside of her one time.
Howard said he's on a diet of more protein and less carbohydrates. He said he likes to go out to eat but the restaurants always screw up and give him too much of the wrong stuff. He said that he loves Italian food but he ends up eating too much pasta.
Gary said that he knows how Robin can laugh at guys who don't look that good and he doesn't think he wants to get to that point so Robin can laugh at him. Robin said that she knew that Howard was looking good today.
Gary said that Robin has lost some weight and she's looking good these days. Robin thanked him for that. Then Howard said that they're really all a mess but they're all blowing smoke up each other's asses.
Howard said that Gary was looking kind of fat for a while. He said he was up to 211 but now he's down to 182 and he's going to his high school reunion in a couple of months so he has to be ready for that. Howard told Gary he's like a woman with that. That's what his wife would do if she was going to a reunion. He said that they should want to look that way all the time to be healthy.
Gary told the story about this guy who came up to him when he was leaving the parking garage. He said that the guy came up to him a couple of times in the past year. He said that he comes up to him and tells him he's from Connecticut just like he is and asks for some money saying he lost his wallet. He told the guy that he knew what he was doing and the guy walked away. Gary said that he was doing it in the afternoon last year when he approached him.
Robin said that she had a guy do something similar to her one time. She told the guy she didn't need the money back and just gave it to him to make him go away.
Howard said that he's hoping that in a few years they'll all be able to work from home and not have to deal with people like that.
Howard talked about this Woodstock concert that was going on and how there were guys copping feels off of the chicks who were taking their tops off. He said that there was a cop who got in trouble for posing in some pictures with naked chicks.
Howard told Melrose he saw him on the Pay-Per-View coverage. Melrose was thrilled about that. Then Melrose started to tell a long, boring, drawn out story about his experiences up at Woodstock and Howard couldn't take it. He told KC to take him out of the studio. Then Melrose told Howard how Bob Dylan spoke to him but that story was just as boring so he finally booted him right out. Melrose couldn't believe it was the end of his segment.
He told him about what was going on out there at the concert and how there were fires all over the place on piles of garbage. He said that there were like 7 kids killed up there but Robin didn't think that was true. The guy said they were jumping on a circus tent. Howard ended up hanging up on that guy because he was so bored with the story.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wants to go on a date with Mike Gange. Robin laughed and said that she's the only one. Gary asked her for the first two digits of her weight. She then revealed that she's pretty big. Howard told her that Mike would think that he's way better looking then she is. He hung up on her.
Howard took another call from a guy who was talking about the John F. Kennedy coverage that was on TV lately. He said that he tries to see up Jackie O's dress when she bends over. He said that he can't help it and has to look every time. Howard let that guy go after he gave a lame joke suggestion to Jackie.
Howard said he walked out early and one of the girls there said she knew that he'd walk out early. He said he was desperate for entertainment and thought he could enjoy that movie. He was out of there after about 45 minutes.
Robin asked if Howard had seen ''Eyes Wide Shut'' yet. Howard said he hadn't seen it yet. Gary said his mother saw it and told him it was like one of the worst movie's she's ever seen. Robin said she's heard it was really good and people are just misunderstanding it. She said that she doesn't have very good taste in movies though so she's not trusting that review.
Howard said that every theater is always packed in the city so it's hard to tell what movies are worth seeing. He said that it's great going to movies down in Florida because there are hardly any people there and they're happy to see you when you walk in.
Stuttering John came in to talk about how bad ''Eyes Wide Shut'' was. He told Howard he would hate the movie. He told the guys how bad the acting was. They went to break a short time later.
Everyone told him that they know he's full of it and he's thinking that everyone is stupid enough to fall for his story. Howard told Benjy that because he's so weird, he's not going to be invited to Scores. He was on the list until they saw him in his big green dress.
They spent a while telling him how he was just starting to almost act normal then he shows up like this. Everyone seems to think Benjy does all of this stuff to get attention. Benjy disagrees with that though.
The guys spent some time talking about the wacky outfit that Benjy was wearing. They had him modeling it and showing off the Do-Do or whatever it was called. Benjy was speaking with this clicking thing and creeping everyone out. They all knew that he was doing it for attention. Howard said it was a dress but Benjy kept saying it wasn't a dress.
Howard and Gary were talking about what goes on at Scores when Lonnie hands over the funny money to them. He gives half of it to Howard and the other half to Gary who doles it out to the rest of the guys. Howard said that he loves Lonnie more than anyone else on this planet. He said he doesn't want Benjy screwing up that relationship with him so that's another reason he doesn't want him going to this party. He said he wants to go to Scores and not have to think about Benjy.
Howard told Benjy that he needs to go and chill out. He told him that he's too big and fat to go to Scores anyway. He said he'd take up too much room there if he was there. Benjy asked him what he could do to get into that party. Howard said it wasn't going to happen.
Howard said that Stuttering John knows how to behave over there at Scores. He said he might not know how to act around work all the time but he does know how to act there.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked how he could get into that party. Howard said that maybe he could get in but then thought that they really don't know that guy so they can't have him come.
Eventually Lonnie from Scores called in and said they could put Benjy in his own room at Scores with 4-5 dancers and a bouncer. That way he'd be away from everyone and they wouldn't have to worry about him going postal. That's too much of a reward for him though.
Gary suggested they put him in the same area as the rest of the gang but Gary would keep an eye on him. It sounds like they're still willing to give him a chance. We'll find out next week what happens with him.
Howard talked to Sandra about her new baby and how she has 2 apartments, one for herself and another for the nanny and the baby. They're on the same floor of the building she lives in but the baby stays with the nanny.
Then Howard brought up the fact that Sandra delivered the baby by c-section. He had some article in which she explains why she had it by c-section. Howard asked her if she wanted to talk about it and she was surprised that she actually admitted it in the article. It had something to do with her having herpes but she didn't really want to get into it this morning. She said some mornings are easier than others and today wasn't a good day for it.
Sandra changed the subject. She said that she's still sleeping with the father of the baby but she still hasn't said who that is.
Howard then brought up another article that said Sandra, Madonna and Roseanne, who are all into this Jewish Kubala thing, have a Rabbi who keeps a beeper so that the three of them can contact him when they have a problem. Sandra said that just wasn't true.
Howard took a few phone calls for Sandra before the end of the interview. The first guy yelled at Sandra about having a baby without a father around. The two of them went at it for a minute until Sandra started cursing at the guy. Howard had to hit the delay a few times before she calmed down. He had to hang up on the caller so Sandra would stop cursing.
The next couple of calls were a little nicer. One guy offered to give her oral sex and another guy told her she was really sexy and thought the first caller was wrong for yelling at her. After that Sandra was ready to go so Howard ended the interview.
You might remember Beetlejuice the dwarf from a couple of weeks back. He's a dwarf who has a really tiny head and giant teeth. Well, Howard got him on the phone this morning because he had some tape of him trying to do some intros for a segment they were putting together for the E! show.
Howard tried talking to Beetlejuice on the phone but he was barely understandable. Howard played the tape where Doug from E! tells Beetle how to say a line like ''What's up, it's Beetlejuice and I'm going to learn how to pick up women..'' or something like that. Beetlejuice was drunk so he couldn't say the line even close to what Doug told him. He'd just blurt out how he can pick up the women and that he's a bad mother f'er.
After that Howard had tape of Beetlejuice puking up his 10 cans of beer that he had that day. He got sick so the camera followed him to the bathroom. It doesn't sound like an interesting tape until you hear the sound the tiny-headed man makes. It's kind of like. ''UUhhKK.. GUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL'' along with the sound of fluid dumping into the toilet. It was a very strange sound. The poor guy must have puked 10 times on the tape.
The sound was so strange that everyone was laughing hysterically when they heard it. Howard tried talking to Beetlejuice after playing the tape but he couldn't understand him so he just thanked him and got off the phone. You can see Beetlejuice at www.jollydwarf.com.
After that Howard replayed the Gary Garver interview that he had played earlier in the morning. He said he had a new joke to tell but he wanted Jackie to tell it because it was his joke. Jackie wanted Howard to play it but he ended up doing it himself. They spent a few minutes on that stuff before Howard took a call from Dr. Devore.
The Dr. explained how some women become so dependant on vibrators that they're no longer able to have an orgasm with human stimulation. Women can go to him for therapy. He said that some women take 6 months to get over the addiction and one woman took 18 months to get over it. He charges $100 an hour for this therapy.
Howard and Dr. Devore also spoke about some other strange things that people go to therapy for. The Dr. Said that he has both men and women come in who have sex with animals and are unable to stop. He even said that some people who grew up with animals on a farm may be very upset when their lover gets sent to the meat market.
Dr. Devore also spoke about people with shoe fetishes who get very upset when their shoe is beyond repair and they have to get rid of it. Then we find out that Dr. Devore says he's not a man or a woman.. He's an ''Inter-sex person.'' He claims that he was born a hermaphrodite and his parents chose to have him raised as a male. He's currently involved with another ''Inter-sex'' person. Dr. Devore believes that people born like that should be left alone and should make their decision when they get older. He's also against circumcision as Howard is.
Howard took a couple of phone calls for the Dr. also. One woman said she was upset about the conversation because she runs a sex toy company and thinks that vibrators are great. Howard and Robin tried to explain that the Dr. isn't against vibrators, he's just warning women that they can do it too much.
Howard also had notes on how some boys, when the reach puberty, have periods. Benjy came in and explained how the boys have a penis but on the inside they have female genitals. The Dr. Said Benjy explained it perfectly. It's another form of being a hermaphrodite.
The last call Howard took was a woman who said her boyfriend fantasizes about giving fellatio to men and even fellates himself about once a year. Howard told her that the guy is probably gay and she should run away from the relationship. The Dr. disagreed and said that a lot of men fantasize about doing stuff like that but they're just fine. They went to break after that.
The woman told Howard the way that Kathie Lee was spinning it to make it seem like it was the kid's idea. Howard said it was obvious that she was making the kid do that.
Howard let the woman go and spent a few minutes talking about how Kathie Lee really should get some help. He said that someone needs to keep an eye on her 24 hours a day. He said that she should realize what she's doing to that kid and how much it's going to screw him up.
Howard said that he needs to point these things out to people. He said that he knows that she's very proud of her kids but you have to draw the line somewhere and protect them. He said that he's surprised that Kathie Lee doesn't wear that kid as an Easter bonnet on her head. Like a living, breathing sculpture.
Howard said he knows that he's not the greatest father in the world but he wouldn't throw his kids into the movies. He said that he'd let them do it once they turned 18 but not when it's a young child like this Cody.
Juan, Joey and Steve are the three guys who paid the big bucks to watch the Gary videotape where he begs his girlfriend to come back to him. They were so funny that day that Howard decided to have them come in to hang out during Robin's news segment today.
When the guys came in they were showing Howard some medical book with pictures of men who had syphilis and anal warts and crap like that. Howard told them he was trying to eat and he couldn't look at that stuff.
One of the guys, Juan, told a story about how he'd gone to Scores and one of the strippers had given him her phone number. Since he's married he decided to do the right thing and get rid of the phone number. He ripped it up, tossed it in the toilet and flushed it away. Later that evening his wife called him to the bedroom. Apparently the toilet backed up and she saw the piece of paper in there. She pulled it out and pieced the paper together and yelled at him for it. So much for doing the right thing.
Howard took a call from a 15 year old kid who was telling some stories that he got bored with pretty quick. He hung up on him. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard played a voice mail that David Spade had left for him and ended up arguing with Gary about calling him back. He told Gary to call David back with his phone number so he can call him back. The guys were all goofing on Gary after that. They were watching him on his office camera and laughing even more so Howard asked the E! show guys to shut that off.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. She read through a bunch of stories. Then the guys started goofing on Jackie so Jackie asked Scott DePace to turn Gary's camera back on to get the attention off of him. Robin was back into her news a short time later.
Robin went through a bunch of stories and played some audio clips. All of the guys were commenting and joking about most of the stuff she brought up. She wrapped up her news and Howard played some more of the Beetlejuice vomiting and then ended the show around 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Mike Walker calls in each week with 4 gossip stories. Three of the stories are from Mike's National Enquirer gossip column and one is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's four stories:
After the game Howard spent quite a while talking to Evan about his great life. The kid told Howard his parents have a house in Connecticut on 5 acres of land. He said it's not that big but guesses that is's about 20,000 square feet! Not bit my ass.. Even also told Howard about going to a couple of high school proms and how he went with Jennifer Aniston's cousin to one of them. Howard found out that the kid lost his virginity when he was 16 to an older woman. Evan told everyone that he forgot how old she was and didn't even remember her name. He said he ''dates often'' when Howard asked him if he gets laid a lot now. They also talked about how Evan gets to hang out with Chelsea Clinton. He was reluctant to talk about her and said that she doesn't really enjoy being talked about. At one point Howard asked Evan if he could put his face on the Chef Boyardee cans. Evan told him it is a possibility but he wouldn't make any promises. Howard told him he'd know that he really was in control of the business if he was able to pull that off. Evan said he'd see what he could do. Evan brought up a bunch of other celebrities that he's hung out with recently. He mentioned Bill Cosby, Sinbad, Robin Givins, Newt Gingrich, Bob Dole and a bunch of others. Howard took a call from a couple of Evan's former teachers who kissed his ass a little bit. Before Evan left he told Howard he'd check into the Chef Boyardee thing for him. Maybe they'll put out a special edition can for him or something.