Howard started off the show talking about why he was late starting the show. He said he was working on the Saturday show that people would be seeing tomorrow. He said he gets a cold every time he goes to California. He said he's all whacked out now from the time change screwing him up. He said he was taking some ColdEeze to get over it. He was also talking about how much Ralph hangs around him and how that could be the reason he gets sick.
Howard asked Robin what was up with the flowers she had. Robin said it was from the girl, Kim, who was in last week dancing with Howard. She said she didn't need to send her the flowers, they're not going to be friends or anything.
Howard asked Fred if the band Garbage was coming in today. Fred gave him a yes so Howard said he was really looking forward to that. He wanted to dance with Shirley Manson. He was doing a little dance for Robin and saying that he's seen so many black people dancing so well. He said he doesn't think it's a genetic thing, he thinks that in the black community that you're able to dance and that's why so many are good at it. He said when he was growing up all of the people in his community could dance or at least hold a beat. He thinks he's on to something and he's discovered something but he's not quite sure what that is. He said he figured out that black people can dance.
Howard said they have a lot to get to today including Gay Mickey Mouse who will be in there. Hank the Dwarf is also coming in to model and dance for Garbage.
The other day Howard and Robin were talking about how Jennifer Love Hewitt, from the Fox TV show ''Party of Five'', would have a song on the soundtrack album for her new movie. Howard then heard that Jennifer had like 5 other albums. This morning he played a couple of cuts from the album and goofed on them. Howard was singing along and making up his own lyrics. He was also goofing on Jackie saying that this is like what his wife Nancy would put out. He played one track of Jennifer's that sounded like it was running at the wrong speed.
Gary told Howard that Jennifer probably isn't a fan of the show because she has a relationship with the Z-100 crew, Elvis and Elliot. Howard ended up goofing on Z-100 and how they play this kind of awful music all day long. He said they probably don't even play her record on the station. Gary said they usually play it on the day before she's a guest, then on the day she's in and then never play it again. Gary also said that it's funny how people like that will do a show like that instead of doing the Howard Stern Show which is on in 50 cities.
Howard said that they'd probably be staring at Jennifer's jugs if she came in there. The guys on the other station probably talk to her about some other uninteresting stuff. Gary said that everyone on that show has a dopey name like ''Phone Boy'' and things like that. Howard goofed on them about that and said that every one of those lame morning shows have lame names like that. He said they might need some names on his show like that. He told Gary he could be Tooth Boy. Gary said they have a guy who drives the van there who changes his name a lot. He couldn't remember what it was so Stuttering John said it was Radio Raheem. His real name is Dennis. Gary came up with some other names like News Gathering Boy for Robin's news helper.
They also have ''Computer Girl''(Amy) who works on the computer there. Howard said that chick is cute too. Gary told Howard that she's married. Robin said that she had a pervert run-in on the subway the other day so Howard had ''Computer Girl'' come in to tell her story. Howard asked her about this pervert problem she had. Computer Girl told Howard she's married and her husband loves the show. She said she doesn't have any kids or anything like that yet. Howard told her to get a dog instead. She said she has dogs already. Howard had to sing his ''I love my kids, I love my wife, I love my money'' song after bringing up how he has kids.
Howard asked Computer Raheem (changed from Computer Girl) what happened to her. She said she was taking the train in early in the morning one day, around 4 in the morning. Howard asked her why her husband doesn't get her a limo. She said they can't quite afford that. Howard wondered why she got married so young. She said that she's 28 so it's not that young. She said she had her fun and got over all of that. Howard told her she won't be saying that 10 years down the road. She'll still have more fun to get to.
Computer Girl told Howard that there were actually quite a few people on the train with her. She was looking out the window even though this guy was trying to get her attention. The train stopped in Penn Station so she grabbed her bag and saw this guy with his thing out of his pants. She said that it was out but he wasn't playing with himself. He was probably about 35 years old and didn't look very clean. She said it was engorged and at full mast so it was not good.
Computer Girl said it made her angry so she just got up and walked away. The guy also got off the train after putting his shirt over his pants. Gary said that they had a similar incident with another person there. The guy did the same thing so the woman had the guy put in jail after calling the cops. Computer Girl said there were no cops around for her when she saw that going on.
Gary said he once had a girl expose herself to him when he was out on the street. He said he was walking down the street and this woman had her pants around her ankles and she was cleaning herself. Howard told him that's not the same thing because she wasn't coming on to him, she was just cleaning herself. He told him he's clearly lost his mind. Howard thanked Computer Girl for the story and let her go.
Doug said that he tracked down Hank by asking if they had seen a dwarf there. one guy had seen him there and told Doug he was up in the bathroom. Doug ran to the bathroom and checked all of the stalls. Howard was watching Hank drinking from his bottle while Doug was trying to tell his story. He interrupted and ended up talking to Hank about what he was doing this weekend. He was making an appearance so Howard asked him about that. Hank said he's getting paid about $800 for that appearance.
Doug is managing Hank so he arranged for the payment for the appearance. Hank said he's almost out of debt thanks to all of this fame he's gotten. He said he was thousands of dollars in debt but now he's only got about $2000 that he owes.
Doug told Howard that he went into this bathroom to find Hank and called out his name. That's when this black guy came out and asked him what he was looking for. Howard said that's what goes on in the Port Authority bathrooms. He got back to Hank and asked him what else happened while he was waiting for Doug. Hank said he knew Doug was going to show up eventually so he just waited for him.
Gary said that Doug told him that he and his girlfriend are moving in together and moving to a new building so Hank won't be able to get in and hang out like he does in this building. Doug said he may have to put Hank up somewhere else when he comes into the city from now on. He went on to talk about what happened last night when he finally found Hank. He brought him to his apartment and put Hank to bed. He hoped that he would go to bed but showered him first. He said he didn't want him too stinky.
Howard asked Hank about some of his hygiene issues. Doug was saying that they really need to bring him to a dentist. Robin said the last time they did that the doctor wasn't able to work on him because he had passed out. Doug told Howard they have a bunch of costumes for Hank to change into this morning. He ran down the list of costumes and said he could dress up as Elvis, a space man, a bondage outfit, a baby with a bottle full of booze and other things.
Howard had a guy on the phone who had booked Hank for a gig one time where he was on this hay ride. The guy said that Hank actually stayed with him and puked when he woke up in the morning. He also said that Hank did some stand-up comedy for him and when he did the hay ride thing, he kept the people very entertained.
Gary told Howard about a gig he did one time and he was talking through his puppet in the studio and Hank was staring at it trying to figure out if he was seeing things or not. Howard got a laugh out of that. Doug told Howard that Hank is booked through January with a bunch of gigs coming up.
Howard asked Hank if he ever thinks he'll stop drinking. Hank said that would ruin his image. He's happy now but he can't stop the drinking. Doug said he told Hank to never change because that's who he is. Howard said it was just before 7am and he was already drunk so he's obviously a drunk. Hank said he once went two weeks without drinking but all he did was watch TV. He only stopped because he didn't have any money.
Gary asked Hank if he went through the shakes and stuff when that was going on. Hank said he got shaky but that went away after a couple of days. Hank got through all of that stuff and then went out one night and some people bought him some drinks and smoked some weed with him. That's when he started drinking again. Howard said this is what Jackie wants to be but his wife won't let him. Gary asked Hank if he ever thinks that he's shaving years off his life. Howard figured he wanted to die but hank said that's not the case.
Doug said that Hank was actually forced to go through rehab but once he got out he went right back to doing all of the stuff he had been doing before rehab. Hank said he was able to fool them into thinking he was okay and got out. Howard said Hank was staring at his bottle as if he were in love with it. He loves watching him drink. He cheers people while he's drinking and stuff like that.
Howard asked Hank if he would give up drinking if he could have Pamela Anderson. He said he would. Robin asked him if he would take a million dollars to give up drinking. He said he wouldn't do that because he'd want to spend the money on booze. Robin wondered what it must be like to be drunk all the time like that. Hank said it is his favorite. He's tried crack and other drugs before but even when he does that, he wants a drink.
Howard said he had to take a break but he'd bring Hank back later in the show. He spent a couple more minutes talking to Hank before going to break though. He said that Jackie is so jealous of Hank because this is exactly what he'd like to be doing. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he could do it and tried it on Robin. He asked her if she knew anyone in her family that had a name that started with an R. KC said it had to be a dead person because that's what this guy John does. Howard played with Robin and found out she does know a Robert. He told Robin that someone was looking for her friend Robert from beyond and that he was in danger.
KC said that this guy was able to tell him names and stuff but he won't be doing that with Howard and Robin on the air. Howard got him on the phone to find out what he was up to. Howard said that Houdini went around to psychic after psychic trying to find someone who could do this and he never did. John said that he did something where he came up with some words and some symbols and one psychic was able to kind of figure out what it was that he was thinking about.
John said that he wasn't going to be able to do the psychic thing with Howard because he needed him to pay full attention to him and not try to be entertaining. John tried to get a reading from Howard and Robin but came up with nothing. Howard said he didn't care about his listeners, he just wanted the guy to read him. John said he could only do the listeners on the phone though. He also said that no one in Howard's family wanted to be on the air.
Howard told John that he was opening himself up to the spirit world for him. John told him to pay attention to what was coming through. Then he brought up this name Ben (Howard's father) and talked about how someone close to him worked with clothing and has passed away. John said that he was missing part of his leg or was paralyzed. Howard said there is someone in the family like that. KC thought the guy was figuring something out but Howard told him to quiet down. John then found that someone by the name of Sally was coming through. She was still alive though. John said that ''they'' were pulling him west or to his left so they must be out in that area. He kept giving Howard details but Howard had no idea who or what he was talking about.
Howard asked John what will be changing for him. John said that he's going to be doing a fictional story but it won't be about him. Howard said it's about time that he branched out. He said he'll look for that validation that john was telling him to look out for. Howard said he doesn't know about him and asked him how he figured out he could contact the dead and how much he can make doing it. John said he's not making over 100,000 like Howard thought. He said this is his only job at this time though.
Howard wanted to do a reading on Jackie so he went into that and tried to channel some of his family. Jackie told Howard he knew someone by the name of Jay when he asked about it. Howard told him that he had something to tell Jackie but John interrupted and said there are actually two Jays. Howard told him to stay out of it and then told Jackie that his father wanted to tell him that he's sorry that he gave him such poor self esteem. He wishes that he's let go of his anger. Jackie said the things he was saying would never come from his father.
Howard asked Fred if he knows someone with the name starting with a B.. an R, or an S ... or an F or maybe an A, E, I, O, U or sometimes Y. Fred said he didn't know of anyone with those names. Fred kept saying no to all of the letters. Howard then started over and told him to include letters in their whole name. Howard finally got Fred to say Yes a few times so he did the reading and told him that the woman with the S in her name had a message for his mother and said that John Glenn shouldn't be in space. John said Howard did pretty good but a little more validation would be good.
KC asked how this guy gets the names though. Howard put a listener on the line for John to give a reading to. John was gone though. Howard had accidentally hung up on him. He told the guys to get him back on the line since it was an accident that he had hung up. KC really thought that John knew something about Howard's family when he was doing all of that stuff. Howard told him it was a lucky guess.
Howard had John back on the phone so he had him try to read this woman Toni who was on the phone. John said that he needed everyone to pay attention to what he was saying. John said that there was a younger female around her that he was getting a reading on. She said she didn't have a younger sister or anything. She had a sister but she was older. john told Toni to write down what he was saying and keep it in mind because it might be coming up in the future. He mentioned the date August 8th which is Robin's birthday. John said it wasn't her and he knew that because he was channeling his energy into this woman.
Howard asked Toni if she was overweight. He could tell from her laugh that she was. She said she wasn't but Howard then asked her about anal sex because he could see an anus on her side. He said she was impossible to work with though. KC thought she was a bad subject and that's why John wasn't able to pull it off. Howard took a call from a guy who said that John was totally off when he did his reading. He was giving him all kinds of information that was incorrect and telling him that he was incorrect about his own life. Howard told John that he wasn't doing so good today. Howard told John that when people die, they just die. They don't go anywhere and they don't communicate with anyone psychically.
Howard said that there is nothing ''beyond'' like John thinks. John said that's not true. Howard said that all of this stuff is just absurd. He said it's such a vindictive thing for people to assume that God is going to hold this stuff against them if they don't believe. John said that he thought the psychic he went to was full of it but she knew so much about him that he figured she was either following him around or she knew something.
Howard asked John if he gets laid thanks to this stuff. John said that he actually met his wife doing this. Howard asked him about that and found out that his wife has actually met him before. She was out at a restaurant that Howard was at one night and got to meet him. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later and let him go. Howard ended up goofing on KC for believing in that guy. He said John was worse at the psychic thing than even he was. They went to break a short time later.
Howard played a clip from the L.A. riots where this reporter was getting beaten as he was doing his report. They had taken the clip and threw in some Three Stooges clips. Howard played that as well and then played a Dan Rather clip from the 60s where he was getting thrown around but it wasn't quite as good as that one was.
Howard said they had Gay Mickey Mouse coming in next. He said Mickey was going to be coming out of the closet today. He played a fart song before doing that though. Howard also said that people can't miss the Saturday night show this week. He then brought in Gay Mickey Mouse (High Pitch Eric) who was there to talk about being gay. Howard asked him about this gay thing and Eric went into his speech about how he's in love with Mighty Mouse. He said that he'd also like to dig up Walt Disney and crawl into his rotten, worm eaten colon.
Mickey talked about how he was going full on gay and welcomed anyone to come in and take him. He also said that he doesn't play that game with Minnie Mouse anymore. Mickey said that he's been with some other Disney characters like Prince Charming and Jiminy Cricket. Howard asked Mickey if he ever had sex with Minnie Mouse. He said he never did. Howard asked him if Minnie ever strapped one on with him. He said that didn't happen.
Howard wrapped up with Gay Mickey after that and said that he was now out of the closet. He was going to be sticking around for a while. They also had Crackhead Bob and Fred the Elephant Boy coming in. Elephant Boy came in and went flying over the set. They also had Jenteal, a porn star, in there. Hank the Dwarf came back in dressed up as a bikini girl. He was in a bikini and high heels.
Howard said hello Fred the Elephant Boy and talked to him for a minute. He asked Gary to come back in and help Hank with his headphones because they were falling off. He yelled at Gary about that even though Gary had done what he was asked to do.
Howard spoke to Jenteal who had never been on the show before. She said that Hank kind of smelled bad sitting there near him. She stood up and showed the guys her body. Gay Mickey Mouse told her she was beautiful so the guys pointed out that he was supposed to be gay. Howard was still having problems with headphones and stuff so he had to try and straighten that out. Hank thought he was going to get thrown out of there but Howard told him it wasn't him, it was the equipment he was upset with.
Howard got back to Jenteal and talked to her about how she got into the porn business. She told Howard she used to watch movies and stuff and used to get really attracted to the women in the movies. She said she was 15 the first time she had sex with a man and 17 when she had it with a woman. Jenteal said she loves having sex and anything to do with it now. She said her parents don't love it but they deal with it. She said her father has seen her movies on Playboy so he confronted her about it but they're okay now. Jenteal was saying that she had told her mother about the movies but her father didn't know about them until he saw that one on Playboy.
Howard told Hank that maybe he'd want to clean up his act. Hank said he gets laid and doesn't need to clean up. Howard asked him to say the ABCs for them so he did that quickly. Then Howard asked Crackhead Bob to say it. He went through it but it wasn't very clear.
Howard asked Elephant Boy about his gay experiences and found out that he didn't take it in the butt when he was experimenting. Elephant Boy said he had a good story about Gary as well but Howard kept on him about the gay stuff. He also took a call from Donald Duck which didn't work out so well. Howard hung up on him after about a minute. Howard asked Elephant Boy more about his gay experience and asked if he completed the gay act he had started. Fred didn't get too detailed about that.
Howard said that Mike Walker had bombed out on them this week with his gossip game so they were going to play on their own. They had Stuttering John read the stories instead. Here are the stories...
After the game Hank said he wanted to go change because he was getting cold. Gary told Howard that Garbage was there to perform as well so they could get to them. Howard thanked the Wack Packers for coming in and wrapped up with them. Crackhead Bob was pushing for the NY Jets to win and was very insistent that they were going to win. The guys talked to him about the Jets for a short time and he was saying stuff that pretty much no one understood. Gary got what he was talking about so he interpreted some of that for everyone else. Howard said he wanted to get to Garbage but he wanted to take a break first.
Howard said that they had this guy Duke there playing keyboards and they had just done a rehearsal during that break that sounded great. He introduced some of the other guys who were there to play in the band. He read some stuff about the guys in the band and one of the guys had produced Nirvana. Howard read that Duke was the one who banged a lot of chicks in the band. He asked him about that and tried to find out more about that. Duke has a nickname of Sir Shag-a-lot so they talked about that a little bit. Duke said they don't really call him that.
Howard asked Shirley if she bangs any of the guys in the band. She said she's actually married so she doesn't do that. Howard thought she kind of kept that a secret but she said that's not the case. She told Howard about how she got to see her father's genitals when she was young and he had a pretty big one so that's what she ended up finding in her man. Shirley said that a big penis is important to her and size really does matter. She said that any woman who doesn't believe that's true is lying.
Howard said he's pretty small in the pants but he knows how to make up for it in other ways. He said that Shirley says that when she was younger she used to cut herself up and scar herself because she thought she was ugly. Shirley said she thinks that a lot of girls suffer from that and do the same thing.
Howard read that Shirley thinks that John Goodman is an attractive man so he wondered what that was about. She said she can't explain that. She wasn't sure why that was. Howard changed subjects and asked the guys how they all met. The guys in the band said that they saw Shirley on MTV when she was on her own and that's when they got together and started this band.
Howard told Shirley that he'd like to have sex with her. She said that he might be able to make a deal with her husband because he's kind of open to things. Howard asked her about the kind of childhood she had. She said she had a great childhood but she was just kind of freaked out. She said her mother didn't let her get tampons so she freaked out and went to the rooftop and threatened to kill herself with a carving knife.
Howard said that the band's new album is out and he wanted to play a track off of it. The song was ''Special'' so Howard wondered if that was about him. He ended up talking to Shirley about her husband and found out he's an artist and sculptor so Howard said that means he just doesn't work. He read that Shirley is a big fan of Courtney Love's and she likes her so much that she'd scratch someone's eyes out if they bad mouthed her.
Howard read that Shirley used to sniff glue when she was young. She said that wasn't all that great and she doesn't recommend it to anyone. Howard also read that Shirley likes men to be smelly and likes to have men see her go to the bathroom and then have sex with her. Howard said he has a friend who has never seen his wife go to the bathroom. Shirley thinks that's very strange.
At one point Shirley told Howard she thinks she loves Howard. She said he understood her and what she was talking about so she really liked him. She was talking about why she didn't like the Spice Girls and he understood what she meant. Howard said that the new single from Garbage is ''Special'' so he played some of that. He said he was going to try and figure out what the song was about. He told Shirley she has a great voice as the song was playing. He listened to the lyrics and tried to figure out what it was about. He was telling Shirley what he'd do to her if he was with her. He said he'd wake her in the morning with fingers in a bad place. He asked her what the song was about. She said it was actually about a girl friend of hers that she thinks had betrayed her. Howard understood that whole thing too so he talked to her about that.
Howard said that he could probably get this chick into bed in 10 minutes. He figured he'd just bring her to Sky Bar and get her drunk. Shirley said she'd never go there. Howard changed his story and said he's just stay at home and watch TV instead. He asked them to perform their song and asked them if they wanted any of the Wack Packers to come in and dance. Shirley asked not to have that so Howard left them out. He had them perform the song ''#1 Crush'' from the ''Romeo & Juliet'' soundtrack a short time later.
After the band was done with the song Howard said Shirley must have been thinking about him while she was singing. He said he likes the drum machine they were using for that song. Howard asked the guy what that thing was. The guy said they had to borrow that from another band because their equipment was too big to get in there. Howard told them they sounded really good. He said that it's no wonder that the Shagmeister got laid to much.
Howard took a call from a guy who claimed that he had an orgasm during that song because it was so hot. The guy on the line sounded drunk to Howard but it turns out he had a head injury from getting hit by a drunk driver. Howard said it was obvious that the band was very big with head injured guys. He took another call from a woman who asked if they knew that the term ''die for you'' meant to orgasm in the 1800's. Shirley said that's not what it was about in the song but she also didn't mean that she'd want to actually die for someone.
Another woman asked if Shirley is an exhibitionist. She said that she did have her nipple pop out of her clothes one time during a show and the pictures were all over the web. Howard wrapped up with them a short time later and went to break.
A phone caller told Howard that he wasn't able to hear the interview at all. He said that he could hear the singing but not the interview. Howard said the engineers are always thrown off when they have a band in there. Scott the Engineer came in and said that it all sounded fine. He said they told the guys that they told the guy they had to give them level when they were on the microphone but it didn't happen. Scott said that he was using the wireless microphone but Howard told him that he didn't hold on to it, he just handed it over to him. Howard said that if the guys need help in there, they should ask for it.
Howard and Scott argued about that for a few minutes. Scott had excuses but Howard didn't like them and said he was going to demand some stuff from them. He told Gary that when he goes over to the band area he has to remember that Scott is overwhelmed and needs to help him. Gary asked Scott to keep facing them so he knows what's going on during that stuff. Howard said that even when Scott looks right at you, he forgets to turn microphones on so that doesn't help.
Howard said that from now on, every time a band sings in the band area, Gary is going to hold the hand held microphones next to the people. Gary said he understands even though he thinks it looks bad on camera. Howard said that he's had 20 bands on in there in the past month and no one can hear the problem. Scott said that Semisonic sounded just fine when they were in there. Howard asked Scott if he wants him to fire him. Scott said he didn't want that at all. He told the guys what he wants from now on and how overwhelmed Scott is in there. Howard told Gary that he is to wear a sign on his shirt that says ''Scott, please turn on my microphone. He said he obviously can't think straight.
Gary said they could have this guy Andre helping them out but Howard didn't want that either. He took another call from a guy who said that he could hear nothing during that interview. Captain Janks called in and said he has some experience in engineering. Scott sarcastically said that they should hire him then. Howard said he shouldn't laugh because he might just hire him. Gary said that Janks had to go that one step too far and say that the band didn't sound good. Howard let him go and brought up another story about Hank the Dwarf.
Howard asked for Hank to come in and explain his wet pants. He came in a short time later and needed help getting on the couch. Jackie laughed and said that God had a field day with that guy. Howard asked Hank about the wet pants. Doug told him not to sit because he was still wet. Hank said he didn't wet himself and sat right down. Doug told him to stand up again. Then he explained how Hank didn't remember he had two sets of pants on when he went to pee and ended up making a mess of himself.
Howard said he just wanted to thank Hank for coming in. He ended up talking to him for a couple more minutes. Doug said that Hank has to fly to Toronto and now he's going to smell like piss on his way up there. He didn't have time to get him cleaned up today. Doug said he can douse him in some cologne to try and cover him up. Howard said it's funny how proud Hank is of himself being all drunk.
Doug said that yesterday Hank ate the most food he's ever seen him eat... one slice of pizza. Howard thanked Doug for bringing him in and asked him to take him out. Doug had to walk Hank out of the studio so Jackie was goofing on him for being in show business and having only Hank as someone he manages. Jackie laughed pretty hard as he was walking out of the studio.
Howard took a couple of phone calls and let some people go off on Scott the Engineer's awful engineering. After that he had Robin go through her news. During the news they spent a short time talking about John Glenn going up into space and how he had to swallow a thermometer to keep track of his core temperature. A phone caller told Howard that someone has to go through his feces to find the thermometer at some point.
Howard said they had this woman Karen in the studio the other day getting a breast exam and she was on the phone to give them an update. Karen told Howard that she went to the doctor and he told her that she's just fine so he did a good job checking her.
Howard spent some time talking about Mel Karmazin's recent move taking over CBS. He was saying that Mel has an office there and he may be moving to the CBS building so that office will be free. Howard said he'd like that office so he'd have a place to crash and have meetings and stuff. Robin finished up her news and Howard ended the show around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).