MarksFriggin.com started logging the show in 1996 so there weren't any show rundowns from any years before that... until Howard got control of the K-Rock tapes in 2006 after moving to SIRIUS Satellite Radio. They started playing some of the older shows on Master Tape Theatre so I typed up some rundowns for those shows. Below you'll find the 1988 shows that I did manage to write up...
Howard started off the show talking about how he was in all kinds of meetings the day before. He said he was like the Donald Trump of broadcasting. He told Robin about his schedule which included the show in the morning, then he went to his office, ate lunch in about 5 minutes. He said he had to jam it into his mouth to get it down quickly. Howard had some meetings about a pay-per-view event he was working on. Then he had a meeting with Jackie about a new bit they were going to be doing this morning. Howard said at one point he had Jackie and Fred on a conference call.
After all of that he went out to lunch with some other guys who are going to be marketing the pay-per-view event. Then, while he was at lunch, he ran into Skitch Henderson who is a guy who gave up his job on the Tonight Show many years ago.
Howard said he ran into some other people while he was out. He said one of the guys, Bob Mountie, was someone they used to work with at NBC. He and Robin spent some time talking about him. This was a guy who was kind of their boss but not really. Management would send him in to talk to them when they didn't want to talk to him themselves.
Howard said he was glad that he was more famous than this Bob guy when he saw him out at the Friars Club. After that he went home and got on the phone. He said he got one phone call from someone who told him that they had lost all of the names of the people who were subscribing to the pay-per-view event. He said they lost like 500 names and those customers wouldn't even know that their names were lost. He said that it was Vision Cable who lost every name they got. He suggested that people call and re-subscribe to the event.
Howard said he and the guys got back to writing ''Throw Mama from the Bus'' bit that they were working on. He also brought up a bit they were doing for the channel 9 show where they make over a bum. He said it might be one of the most touching things that will ever be on TV. The guy was all made over but ended up going back into the subway when they were done with him.
Howard talked to Mitch who saw everything that went on with the homeless guy. Mitch said that the guy was a real philosopher and had a lot of thoughts on all kinds of things. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
During the break we heard some clips from Richard Christy's parents house from last Thanksgiving when Shuli went out there to spend some time with them. More clips were played during each commercial break.
Howard said his day was pretty intense. He decided to let Siobhan the transsexual come to the pay-per-view event. He had an answering machine message from the guy that was pretty crazy. He played the clip where Siobhan says he's being tested for an HIV test. He's also planning on getting tape of the guy giving him the results of the test.
Howard laughed as Fred played the Twilight Zone theme. He figures that they should have every kook who has ever been on the show at this event. He said there will be plenty of security there to keep them under control though. He replayed the answering machine message again and laughed as he heard it.
Howard said that it seemed like ABC was trying to turn this into a Rocky story with this guy Dan Jansen. He said that he figured he'd watch it because it was going to be a train wreck. This guy was under a lot of pressure because his sister had just died but he was still going to perform in the Olympics. They were flashing to the bar room scene in his home town and back to the fans in the stand and some family member. Then the guy starts skating and ends up blowing it when he falls in his race.
Howard said if it was like a real Rocky movie, the guy would have gotten up, skated on and won. Instead the guy just sat there with his head in his hands. Howard said the guy has to now go back to his town and do something really crazy to make for a good documentary. He said they should call his home town and tell the drug store to take the razor blades off their shelves.
Robin had some other news from the Olympics so she shared some of that stuff with Howard. Howard had some audio of this guy Jansen talking about what happened to his skate that made him fall during the race. Howard figures that's what the guy will be talking about once he gets home.
Howard said that dwarfs should do speed skating because they never seem to fall. He had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said he's seen the guys wetting toilet paper and washing the seat down. He doesn't think that does anything though and probably just wakes up any virus that might be on the seat. Robin said she tries to squat when she goes so she won't have to sit on the seat. Robin went through a few more stories before Howard had to go to another break.
After the break Howard came back and said that it was like a zoo out in the hall. He had some guys waiting to come in including Ted the Janitor who was there to do the ''Throw Mama from the Bus'' bit. He told Mitch to come in with the guy who made the Gay Untouchables thing.
Howard said this guy looks like George Lucas or Steven King. The guy's name is Bradford Mays but Howard thought it was Branford. Howard said he has confidence in Brad and he can't wait to see this movie. Brad said he'll be editing the movie today. They had some issues with one of the guys who got upset during a shoot in a bedroom. The guy broke down and cried according to Brad.
Howard said he's never put one of his scripts to film so he can't wait to see it. Howard moved on and introduced Ted the Janitor who was there to record some stuff for them. He pointed out that he's probably the only guy out there pushing this Black History Month thing. He said that even the black stations don't promote it as much as he does.
Howard said he worked on this thing really late the night before. He told Ted that he'd better not screw it up. Ted told Howard he got some ammonia in his eye the night before so he might have some trouble reading. Ted said he splashed some in there when he was cleaning a toilet. Howard told him it probably wasn't ammonia, it was something else.
Howard said that people who are illiterate always come up with excuses so that must be what Ted is doing. Robin suggested that they read Ted's lines to him and he'll repeat them. Then Ted admitted that he's not able to read and really is illiterate. Howard and Robin both thought that he had read stuff on the show but Ted said he hasn't.
Howard asked Jackie to hand Ted the lines so he could look them over. Ted wasn't able to read them so he had to ask Jackie what it said. Jackie fed him the line and Ted repeated it but it wasn't quite right. Howard asked him to add some emotion to the line. Ted tried it again but he was going a little too far.
Howard told Jackie to take Ted and get some of his lines recorded for this bit ''Throw Mama from the Bus'' that they were trying to create. Howard was playing Mama in this remake of ''Throw Mama From the Train.'' Howard wanted to do a few lines with Ted so he asked him to read some of his lines. Howard went into his character and Ted tried to play along. He wasn't getting all of his lines right so Howard figured that all of their writing was about to go down the drain. He had to take another break after that.
Howard said someone sent him a note saying they know where Tom Hanks is so he could try calling him. He tried calling the number he had and got put through to a guy who said that Tom had to go down to Saturday Night Live to rehearse so he wasn't around. The guy was at the Jockey Club and said that Tom knows some people there.
Howard got off the phone with that guy and got back to Ted the Janitor. He said they are going to be working on this ''Throw Mama from the Bus'' bit with Ted and will debut it at some point during Black History Month. He then went into another rehearsal with Ted. Howard went into his Mama character and had Ted reading his lines. Ted was having a lot of trouble with the lines.
Howard pretended to take a call from Lawrence Olivier who was about to jump off a bridge because of the horrible acting in that bit they just did.
Howard said he couldn't hear the bit because Ted was talking to him about how great lesbians are in bed. He said he found it hard to believe that Ted had lesbians in bed. Ted said he was very young when that happened. Howard said Ted is so old that there weren't even any lesbians back then. Ted told Howard what went on back then and how the girl's mother caught them in bed. He said there were about six of them in bed at the time, guys and girls.
Howard said that Ted might not be able to read but he does have two homes. He asked Ted about that and found out that Ted is getting into the real estate market. Ted said he can't read but he can do that stuff. He will be like a landlord for the second house he owns.
Howard said that during that bit he was listening to Ted talking about his sexual experiences and couldn't believe what he was hearing. Ted said that he was kind of crazy in his younger days. Robin said she's glad he mellowed out then.
Ted said he settled down when he was about 20 years old. Gary said he's got some years left to do that kind of stuff. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Jerry said that he had to take a gypsy cab this morning so he probably smelled funny from the stuff that they keep in the cabs. Howard introduced him to Ted the Janitor and told him about the lesbian stories that Ted was telling them earlier.
Howard told Jerry it was an honor to have him in there after asking him if he was a millionaire yet. He said that usually Jackie is the only comedian they have in there but he's busy playing Mr. Rips while Jerry is playing real comedy clubs. Jerry said he just played Mr. Rips not too long ago though.
Howard asked Jerry if he wanted to play a radio contest. They were going to be offering a caller a trip to Atlantic City. That led to Howard talking about how scary the people are down in Atlantic City. Jerry said he's been down there and he spends time looking for custard on the boardwalk to kill time down there. He said that there are pigeons walking around on the boardwalk talking about how depressing it is down there.
Howard ended up talking to Ted a little bit about the way he cleans the toilets there. He said that Ted uses the toilet brush to clean the toilet seats in the bathroom which is kind of gross. Ted said that the stuff they put in the toilets is sanitary so it cleans the seats.
Howard took a couple of calls trying to find a woman to play this game he was going to play. He wanted a woman but one guy begged to play so Howard kept him on the line. He was going to find another player as well but it had to be a woman. He found one a minute later but she was interrupting their conversation so he had to quiet her down.
Howard got back to the woman on the phone a short time later and asked her if she would sleep with Jerry Seinfeld. She said she wasn't sure about that. She had seen him on The Tonight Show. Howard asked Jerry who he was dating and found out that he had a model as a girlfriend for a while. Howard asked Ted what he would do to a woman like that. Ted laughed and made some unintelligible comments.
Howard asked Jerry about this model he dated. Jerry joked that when you have a model, she comes with a rack of clothes so you can change her wardrobe like a doll. He also cracked some jokes about Dennis Miller but told Howard that he was just joking and likes saying that people have nothing and are going nowhere.
Howard said that they were going to play a game, then talk to Jerry for a short time. Jerry said he was there to plug an appearance he was making at Governors on Long Island. Howard told him he thought he was happening and didn't know he was going to be playing at Governors after appearing on the Tonight Show.
Jerry told Howard he grew up on Long Island and one night had his Cub Scout Den Mother stand up during his act as he was talking about being in the Cub Scouts. He said that was pretty wild and you never know who will be in the audience. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
Jerry asked Howard about his working out and why he's wearing a t-shirt without sleeves. Howard said a lot of people that come in ask him about that. He said he kind of likes the look, that's why he wears what he wears.
Howard talked about his last visit on Letterman and how that led to him getting a call from Oliver Stone. He figured he was going to offer him a job but all he wanted was some tape from his show for a movie he was working on.
Howard said he had to take another break before getting to more of Jerry and also the woman he had waiting on the phone to play a game. He said that Ted the Janitor wants to comment on the Olympics thing when they get back as well. Howard spent a couple of minutes on that subject himself. He asked Ted what he had to say about that stuff but Ted was making some strange comments and not making all that much sense. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Jerry what his father did. Jerry said his father was a salesman but he kept him in a white area of Long Island. Howard said he was once choked until he just about passed out when he was a kid. He said that the kid who choked him told him that he now knows what it's like to die.
Jerry told Howard that his father passed away a few years ago. Howard thought that he was bumming everyone out so maybe he should just say that he went away somewhere for a few years. Jerry was asking Howard what's up with his hair and why anyone would want something like that. Howard said that everyone has to pick on his looks, he doesn't get that.
Howard got the two phone callers he picked earlier in the show so they could play this game he had. The two callers were arguing about who was the bigger fan. The guy was saying that Howard is more famous than Jerry is and he has no plans to go see him at Governors. Howard was ready to play this game he had planned.
Howard moved on to the game and said he was going to play one note from a song and the callers had to guess what it was. He played the one note he had from this song but there was no way they were going to guess what it was. Howard played them two notes instead. Robin said it was easy after hearing it but the woman on the phone said that it sounded like a gun shot.
Howard played three notes and it was obvious what the song was but the callers were having trouble hearing what it was. Both callers guessed that it was The Police ''Every Breath You Take'' so Howard gave them both trips to Atlantic City. He said they do some things first class around there. He had to go to break right after that.
Howard said that they have to get going soon because they have to cut that movie with Ted the Janitor. They also had a meeting to get to. Howard told Jerry about everything he had going on yesterday when he was on the phone with a bunch of people like a big media mogul.
Jerry told Howard that he was offered a network TV show but he turned it down because he didn't like it. He said he makes plenty of money and doesn't need to do anything he doesn't want to. Howard pointed out that he was on Benson one time though. Jerry said he was broke at the time and needed the money. That was about six years before and he only had 22 dollars to his name.
Jerry said he has done an HBO special and he will do more of those because he likes doing them. Howard told him he should do a pay-per-view event like he's doing. Jerry didn't know what it was so Howard explained it to him and said that he can do anything he wants on there.
Howard said that Jerry is a good guy and everyone should go see him at Governors. He then asked jerry what song he would like to hear before they leave. Jerry joked that he wanted to hear Man in the Mirror since he hadn't heard that enough. He was joking of course. Howard ended up playing a John Denver song clip and goofed on that for a short time.
Howard and Jerry spent some time talking about how odd Michael Dukakis looks. That led to them talking about George Bush and his wife Barbara and how odd she looks as well.
Howard asked jerry if it was true that he's into Scientology. Jerry said that he did study up on that a little bit and it helped him out a little bit. He said it was really good for him. Howard asked him what he learned. Jerry said he was taught about ethics and things like that. Howard told Jerry that there's no way that L. Ron Hubbard is God. Jerry said there are some good things about that religion and not everything is bad. He joked that even Satan probably has some good qualities.
Howard said he knew that he had read that Jerry was into Scientology. Jerry said it was about 10 years ago and it was in a communications course that he took. Howard said he wasn't putting him down or anything like that. Jerry said that he's into Yoga now as well because he likes being able to swallow a towel and pull it out of his ass.
Howard asked Jerry what song he wanted to hear again. Jerry wanted to hear ''Crystal Blue Persuasion'' so Howard had Fred pull that song for him. Jimmy Fink came in a short time later with the album so Howard could play it. Jimmy told him that it was the ''blotter version'' of the song but Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Howard played the song and ended the show. The show was over by about 9:20am Master Tape Theatre time.
Howard started the show talking about all of the stuff they had to get to today. He said he had to nail Kay Gardella to the wall. He said Richard Simmons was coming in too.
Howard played a clip of Dan Rather talking to him and saying ''Rock and roll forever!'' Howard said he was standing in line and Dan had to move right along so he just blurted that out. Howard found that pretty funny and he played it a couple more times.
Howard had some other clips to play. Robin mentioned that Divine is dead. Howard said he was going to save that for later. Robin said they were in a room with him just days before he died. Howard said they were going to interview him but they never got to him. Howard said they had it on the front page of the Daily News. He said some people don't know who he is. That's probably why he didn't interview him. Howard said they had the chance to interview him on Friday and he died over the weekend.
Robin read the story but it wasn't clear what killed him. She said it's possible it was from his fat. She said some fat people die from just laying down on their back.
Howard said he figured that they'd get to Divine last week but just didn't get to it. Howard said the guy ate dog excrement on screen. Gary said he saw another one where he kissed Tab Hunter and that was pretty bad too. Howard said that was a toss up over which was worse.
Howard talked about what they could have spoken to him about. He said he had done an interview with him years ago but didn't remember the answers to some things. Howard said he was kind of bummed when he saw he had died.
Howard said it's kind of freaky how he gets affected by things. He said he saw Divine died and started thinking about mortality. He said it was freaky that they just saw him so maybe that's why that happened to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who was upset when he heard Kay on the show. Howard said he had the audio to play and also had her review that she wrote before even seeing his pay-per-view event (Howard Stern's Negligee and Underpants Party). He said she bashed it and she hadn't even seen it.
The caller told Howard he had a song parody he was working on about Kay. Howard ended up letting the guy go because his connection was bad and he was going on and on about other things.
Howard took another call and spent a few seconds talking to him before getting to the Kay Gardella stuff again. Howard said this woman hates him and she's never heard his show or watched anything he's done. Howard said she claims to have made a distinction about reviews and comments and she was saying she wasn't reviewing anything, she was just commenting. Howard said they're the same thing.
Howard read Kay Gardella's column where she talked about the confusion there was about what she did. She was attacking Howard immediately. She was also explaining what her ''comments'' were about his pay-per-view event that she never saw. She said she could smell garbage and she didn't have to see it. Howard read about how she didn't have to watch something to give her comments on it based on what she had heard from other people.
Howard said this woman reviewed his TV show without seeing it. He said most reviews are based on fact, not on something that a person hasn't seen. Howard said she called it a rip off based on someone else calling it a rip off. Howard said there was one guy in Philly who said it was a great special so maybe she should be using that review to base her comments on.
Howard read more of the column and Kay was misquoting him about things he had said. Howard said she was anti pay-per-view and it wasn't clear why. He said he explained to her why he likes it and how it makes it possible for people to choose what they want in their homes. Howard read Kay's comments about this not being a review too. Howard said he thinks this woman is off her rocker. He said she's misquoting him in this column.
Howard said he's going to save the audio replay until he can devote an hour and a half to it. Howard said he has Richard Simmons coming in so he doesn't want to do this during that segment. Howard said he was going to goof around with it until he read this column. He said that he wants her to resign over this whole thing. Howard said he's not going to let this go. Howard said Kay is a crummy reviewer too. He said he'll play the replay around 8 o'clock.
Howard read some more articles about Divine's death and talked about how they had just seen him the week before. Howard said he was wondering how much longer a guy that fat could live. He said he wasn't a very healthy looking guy. Robin said he was getting ready to play a role on Married with Children where he was going to play a man. Howard said they're making a big deal about that Married with Children show on FOX. Howard said they had the Garry Shandling show on there too. He said he had seen that episode already though.
Robin read a story about Masters and Johnson coming out and saying that AIDS can be transferred by kissing. They don't base this on scientific fact though. They just said they believe it. Howard said he agrees with that because bodily fluid is bodily fluid. He said he thinks that it can be transferred on a toilet seat too. They spent a minute on that and then took a break.
Howard had Robin get back to her news. He said they had Richard Simmons coming in too. He said he wasn't going to have a guest in today but Richard is different so he's letting him come in.
Robin read a story about a new book that's out about kids who turn on their families and kill them. Right after she started that story Richard Simmons came in singing at the top of his lungs.
Howard said Richard smelled of perfume. Richard went over to Howard and gave him a hug. Richard congratulated Howard on his cable show success. He said he was very excited for him.
Richard wanted to hug Robin but Howard told him to just wait. He said he had his short shorts on and his shlong was just about hanging out. Richard told him to stop it. Howard said that's some package he has on him.
Richard said he wanted Howard to apologize about what he said about Divine this morning. Howard told Richard he's nuts. He said it's weird to see a fat exercise guru. Richard said he was hurt and almost killed so he can't work out. Richard said he was in a shopping mall and a chandelier fell on him. He said they had too many people around in the mall.
Richard told Howard that Michael Jackson is in town. Howard asked if he got to go into a room alone with him. Richard told him to stop it again. Richard said he told Michael that his hair looked nice. He said he was in an elevator with him. Richard said he told Michael that his hair looked great so he brought him the stuff he puts in his hair. It's called Sebastian Hold and Mould. Richard said he tried it this morning. Howard said his hair actually did look good.
Richard said he stayed at the Helmsley hotel and they had a lot of really nice stuff in the room. He showed Howard some of the stuff they have in there. He had borrowed some of the stuff to show to Howard. He was showing him the ashtrays an other things they had from the room. He said they even had a nice television clicker that he had taken with him. Richard showed the silverware and a bunch of other things too. He said he was taking them all back to the hotel when he's done.
Howard asked Richard what happened to the fatso he was helping the last time he was there. Richard walked out. Howard had to take a break anyway so they said they'd go catch him before he left.
After an edited out break Howard came back with Richard during a live commercial. They did the commercial together. That led to them talking about Richard's six Dalmations. Howard said that's weird when you have that many pets. Richard said it's not weird.
Howard said he heard Richard on the Joan Hamburg show and he wasn't talking all over her. He was talking over Howard a lot. Richard was singing Barbra Streissand songs and things like that too.
Howard and Richard went back and forth goofing around with each other. Richard said he got a call from Howard and he got a beautiful clock from him too. Howard didn't even know he had sent him one. Richard said it was a nice gift and he doesn't even know what it was. Howard said he told his wife to go out and get him a nice one. Richard said it was only $62.50. Howard said that can't be right. Richard said the clock was actually very nice.
Howard was telling Richard that his mother is Italian. Richard didn't believe it. Howard told him that her maiden name was Gardella. Richard didn't believe that. Howard told him that was true.
Richard said his mother was Jewish but he was sent to a Catholic school. He said he didn't find out he was Jewish until he was 19 when his cousin told him.
Richard told Howard about going to an old folks home to do a lecture. Howard said he thought the Deal A Meal cards were easy to use. He didn't get why he had to do a lecture. Richard said it wasn't about the Deal A Meal cards.
Howard and Richard talked more about the old people and Richard said he loves them. Howard said he had to take another commercial break. He asked Richard what he was there promoting. Richard said he just wanted to visit so he's not promoting anything.
Richard said he was upset about Walter Hudson. Howard said they actually spoke to him the other day on the show. Richard said he went to visit a guy named Michael the other day and he was up to 800 pounds. He said that he's gotten a lot of letters and they saved Michael's life because of that. Howard said he wanted to kiss Richard. Howard said at 800 pounds the guy must have had cheese in the folds of his skin. Richard was ready to walk out again.
Howard asked Richard about the size of his penis because it was just about hanging out. Richard said he was on a flight that was really rough and this kid handed him his yarmulke saying that maybe it would help. Howard asked what a yarmulke is. Richard explained it to him as if he didn't know.
Howard told Richard that they can call Walter Hudson after they take a break. They went to break after that.
Richard wanted to call Walter Hudson. Howard said he had to finish his commercial first but Richard insisted that they do it now. Howard said he does have Walter's number. He said Walter is this fat guy that Dick Gregory was helping. Richard wondered why Dick gave up on him. Howard said Walter wasn't able to walk out of the house so Dick figured he had a psychological problem and stopped helping.
Howard said they can call Walter but they already spoke to him and he told him to just get out of the house. Richard said if this is a joke then he's walking out. Howard told Fred to go in the other room. Richard said he's going to have a fist fight with Howard in the hall if this is fake.
Richard asked where that guy who runs the tapes (Fred) went. Howard said he must have gone to the bathroom. Richard said he knows it's going to be fake. Howard said the number they're dialing is 800-BIG FATS so it had to be his number.
Howard dialed the number and asked for Walter. Some guy had answered and said he's go get him. Richard said if this is a set up then he's in trouble. Howard said it wasn't a set up. Someone playing Walter got on the phone and played vomiting sound effects. It was Fred playing the part. Richard was not happy. Richard said that was it when he heard Fred say he was coming out with ''Deal a Vomit'' cards.
Howard said that was a goof but he did have Walter's actual number. He got Walter's niece on the phone and told her they had Richard there. Walter was busy doing another interview so Howard asked her to put them on hold.
Walter got on the phone a short time later so Richard asked how he was feeling. Walter said he was feeling good. Howard said that they already talked about the Dick Gregory thing. Richard asked Walter for some details about what he's doing for food and things like that. Walter said he's on a liquid diet right now. Richard said they're all rooting for him and praying for him.
Howard said he's smart to just stay in the house. He said he goes out and he sees all of these awful people out there. Richard said he wants to keep in touch with Walter. Walter said he would like to hear from Richard too.
Howard let Walter go a short time later. Howard said he doesn't think that they can motivate the guy. He said he can see Richard's sales going through the roof if he gets Walter on his program. Richard said he wants to help anyone he can. He said they'll work with anyone who calls his office.
Richard told Howard he uses the cards himself and told him about the meals he had yesterday. They went over that for a minute. Richard was ready to walk again but Howard told him to stick around and talk about his injured shoulder.
Richard talked about how the chandelier hit him and injured his shoulder. He said he got some money out of that and he's using it for some charities. Howard said he wishes that would happen to him. He said he must have gotten millions. Richard said he almost lost his whole arm because of that. Howard said for millions of dollars he'd put up with the pain. Richard said he has that pain every night when he tries to go to sleep.
Howard had to take another break. After the edited out break Howard talked to Richard some more and asked where he was going. He was heading off to Florida to make an appearance. They spent a minute talking and then Richard gave Howard a hug and ran out. He hugged Robin too and she said that he was biting her.
Howard said there are some good reviews for his special too. Gary came in and said he just anted to listen to Howard talk about that.
Howard read a review from the Friday Morning Quarterback. They were pretty positive about the special. Howard said he was reading up on this to lead up to the Kay Gardella thing.
Howard read another review of the pay-per-view and that guy liked it too. That review was from the Courier Post in Philly.
Howard said he didn't hand out any tapes of this Kay Gardella phone call but he's replaying it this morning so the reporters who asked for tapes can hear it. Howard said they have to do this and also finish up the news.
After an edited out break Howard came back and said he heard that the pay-per-view event on one cable system, BQ, was actually coming out free. Robin said she was wondering about that because she saw that she had both of her pay-per-view channels for free that night. Howard said he's hearing some strange reports about that. He heard that one guy lifted it off of satellite TV.
Gary told Howard that they're definitely going to be doing Tiny Tim Dial-A-Date. Howard said they have to replay some of his interview too. He said he was pretty wild when he was on the show. Gary said that they were asking if they could have Patty Mullen, Penthouse Pet of the Year, as one of the callers. Howard said Tiny was in love with her. He said he's not as wacky as he seems.
Howard played some of the phone conversation that he had with Kay Gardella. In the call Kay didn't believe that it was Howard. Howard insisted that it was him and Robin. Howard asked Kay why she was so mean to him. She was just laughing. Howard said he didn't have the actual article anymore but he does recap it in the phone call. Howard played more of the call where Kay was talking about how great her readers are and how she was being told she should sue him for what he had been saying. She said that she was thinking about getting together with some other people to sue him even though she doesn't listen to his show. Howard interrupted and said that's the first time she said she never listens. Then he played more tape and Kay was claiming that she had seen the tape of the TV show.
Howard played more of the phone call where he was reading what Kay wrote about him and asked her why she was bad mouthing the whole pay-per-view industry when it was just him she didn't like. Kay said she doesn't want the public ripped off. Howard said they're not ripped off, they don't have to subscribe. Kay said that even going to a movie in a theater and paying $7 to see it is a rip off. She said they're the same movies they saw for 35 cents not that long ago. Howard said it's very expensive to put up money for a movie. He said he had to put up half a million bucks for his pay-per-view. Kay asked why he didn't do a better job on it then. Howard said she didn't even see it. Kay said she didn't have to see it to know it was bad, she read a review.
Howard cut it off again and said that Kay is out of her mind. He said she was saying the show was bad but she didn't even see it.
Howard played more of the audio and in the clip Howard was reading her comments about his show being sleazy and garbage but she hadn't even seen it. Howard was going off on her asking how she could write a review like that. She claimed it wasn't a review, it was just her comments and that's the way she felt. Kay said she feels that it's garbage and people shouldn't be ripped off paying for it. Howard explained to her that you're not ripped off if you don't pay for it.
Howard kept interrupting the clip and getting more and more irritated with Kay about what she was saying. Kay was saying that he blasts people on the radio every day so she should be able to do that in her column. Howard said he can't figure out her thought process on all of this. She was very confusing the way she was explaining what she did.
Howard wondered why the people at the Daily News don't have a problem with her writing articles like this. He said she acts like she saw something and she's admitting she didn't see it. She's basing everything on the title of his special. Robin and Howard goofed on her saying she probably wouldn't read ''The Tropic of Cancer'' because she doesn't want to read about depressing diseases.
Howard played more audio and in the clip Kay said she doesn't listen to Howard but then she said she has heard him. She was saying that she didn't know who Robin was either. Howard called Kay out on her using someone else's review as the basis for her's. She said that she wasn't plagiarizing that review though.
Howard had to take another break. After the break he got back to the Kay Gardella tape. He said that this should end her career. He said she ran another column today saying she had ''one last comment'' about him. He said he'd get to that later.
Howard played more of the audio of Kay talking to him the other day. Howard was saying he didn't get what she was all about and why she was against pay-per-view channels. Kay said she thought Howard knew everything.
Howard and Robin talked about some of the stuff Kay was talking about and how she wasn't making any sense. Howard got back to the tape and played more of Kay not making any sense talking about how she doesn't know who he is and didn't recognize him when he walked past her recently.
Howard read the column that Kay wrote where she had just one more thing to say about him. Howard read that article and she was explaining how her review wasn't actually a ''review'' and it was just her commenting on the special. Howard said she was back peddling with this. He wondered why she doesn't report that she smelled the TV and didn't actually watch it since she said she can smell garbage and doesn't need to see it.
Howard said he had a lot on his mind about this and he wanted to play more of the audio. Howard did that. In the clip Kay was asking Robin why she was getting so worked up about this stuff. Robin said she was upset that she was writing about something she never saw or even heard.
Howard said Kay was showing that she was completely biased before even seeing this thing. He said that a reviewing is supposed to give an opinion on something that they've seen or heard, not basing their review on someone else's reviews.
Howard said that the Daily News should have a retraction for this whole thing because she's not a legitimate reviewer. He said that she's not doing her job right. He said that she's a dangerous person and he's demanding that she be taken off the staff of the Daily News. Howard said this is his career and his work she's messing with so that's why he's getting so upset about it. Howard said what Kay is doing is propaganda. He said that's what they do in Russia.
Howard played more of the audio and kept cutting it off to goof on Kay. Gary came in and said that the listeners are inundating the Daily News with phone calls this morning. Howard said that's good. He said he's totally outraged about this. Howard said they should have a disclaimer on her column saying if she watched what she's reviewing.
Intern Mitch came in and told Howard that Dominic Barbara says he has a case there if he wants to sue. Howard called Dominic and Dominic said that they can sue. Howard told him to calm down there. Dominic said he thinks that there might be a conspiracy there between Kay and Jimmy Swaggert. Dominic was joking about that but he said there is a case there. He said he wasn't even able to eat breakfast today because of this. He said he has to call Gardella to see what she's willing to pay him first though.
Howard let Dominic go and got back to the tape of him talking to Kay. Howard was going off on Kay asking why she was against pay-per-view. Howard said he wasn't able to get through to her and he had to give up.
Howard read more of Kay's latest column where she was explaining her style of reviewing without actually watching something. She said she had read the details and went by what she had read to do her review. Kay was saying that the comment didn't appear in her review column and it was in another column. Howard said it was still a review. He said he doesn't care where it appeared. Howard went though the column line by line and picked apart everything she was saying.
Howard took a call from a woman who agreed with him about this whole thing. She couldn't believe that she was writing this stuff. Howard said he doesn't understand what Kay is saying and he thinks that she's just defaming him. The caller said this is an outrage and he has to do something about it. She said she can't believe this is happening. Howard said he has reporters who have a bias against him and they do this to him all the time.
Howard and Robin went on and on bashing Kay about this whole thing. Howard said he wasn't sure what would come of this but he hasn't wanted someone to lose their job before now. He said that he thinks that she should lose her job over this. She's not basing her review on the truth. Howard said he's kind of glad he has this proof that these reporters don't even listen to him before doing their reviews.
Howard and the caller talked about the show and how people don't even listen before reviewing it. The caller said they should all rally in front of the paper and picket it. Howard said he wants a retraction and an apology in the paper. He said he's pissed about this whole thing.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he agrees with him about how she reviewed it without watching and he should sue. Howard said he doesn't mind if she comments on something she's seen. He said it really bothers him that she reviewed this without seeing it.
Howard said he had to take another break and then do some news and get out of there. He wanted to play a song parody about Kay too. They went to break a short time later.
Howard played the audio of Siobhan leaving the message and he was doing his really deep male voice. He was in some financial trouble so he was telling Gary about that in the message. His voice was really creepy though. Howard did an impression of that a little bit. Gary said he thought of Michael Cain in ''Dressed to Kill'' when he heard the message.
Howard asked Gary if he thought it was him calling. Gary said he knew it wasn't Howard. He also told Howard about the financial trouble Siobhan is in. Howard said he's going to end up on the street.
Howard said he made the mistake of going out to dinner with Jackie. He said that they got into a fight there. Howard said Jackie's girlfriend Nancy was there and she was taking it out on him and his wife. He said that she was asking his wife how she puts up with what they did in that pay-per-view event. Howard said that his wife doesn't care about it and people just seem to want to ruin his life. Jackie said that he was on his side. Howard told him to keep her at home from now on.
Howard said he and his wife have come to grips with what he's doing with his life and other people have to try to ruin it for him. Jackie agreed that it was kind of odd. Howard said he got really upset about it but his wife handled it pretty well. Howard said Nancy wanted them to think about her and it worked.
Howard said he's never getting together with him and his girlfriend again. Jackie said they had a great time other than that. Howard agreed but said that was really annoying. Howard said his wife wondered what the big deal was and why she had to bring it up.
Howard said there were things that they didn't need to discuss there at dinner. He said he got really uncomfortable and that's why he doesn't like going out anymore. Howard said they went to a nice restaurant. He said that he wasn't allowed to take his jacket off. Howard said the guy there had bugged him to bring Jackie there so that's why they went. Howard said Nancy just started in with the TV thing and it was making him nuts.
Howard said Jackie should get rid of that chick if he can't keep her under control. Jackie said she's beautiful. Howard said that was Nancy's way of getting to him. He said she ''churched his inner circle.'' That was taken from some Charles Manson audio clip that Howard was referring to.
Howard said they were talking about hairy breasts at dinner and somehow the TV thing came up. He wondered what Nancy's motivation was fro bringing that up. No one was sure. They went to break a short time later.
Richard Simmons came back in because he had lost his address book. Howard said that he didn't have it. Richard asked if it was in the trash or something. Howard asked Richard what he was up to. Richard said he did a few other interviews. He said that he was just talking about various things and wasn't promoting anything. Richard said he had to leave to catch a plane. Howard told him to just check out the tape of him on this telethon.
Richard said they should do a Howard Stern telethon. Howard asked him if he had a plane to catch. He told him to get out of there. Howard didn't sound interested in the idea. Fred played the Spicoli ''You dick!'' clip from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and that chased Richard right out.
Howard called for Richard to come back in so he could tell him where his address book was. Richard came back in and Howard said maybe Dick Gregory fed it to Walter Hudson. Richard was silent and walked out again.
Howard said Richard is a good looking man. He was ready to end the show but Robin said they had more news to do.
Robin read a story about the child killer book that she had mentioned earlier in the morning. She finished up that story. She had a bunch of different stories about kids who go nuts and kill their parents and other people. Howard said there is only one way to deal with kids who kill. That's to cut off their allowance.
Robin read about the writers strike that was going on. She said that David Letterman's show had to be canceled for a week because of that. Howard said maybe Dave was doing a not crossing the picket line kind of thing. Robin said that Jay Leno was filling in for Johnny Carson while that was going on. Howard said that's Johnny making Jay look bad.
Robin read about the $25,000 Pyramid show being brought back to CBS. She also mentioned that Divine is dead now too. They spent a minute talking about that. Howard said they just saw Divine the week before.
Howard said maybe he should do a eulogy for Divine. He didn't have his speech there with him so he'll have to do it tomorrow.
Howard asked Fred if he had anything to plug. Fred didn't have anything. He said maybe he should play the Kay Gardella tape on the way out. Robin read some more news stories while he was rewinding the tape for that.
Howard asked DJ Jimmy Fink if he wanted to hear the Kay Gardella thing on the way out. Jimmy said it was fine. Howard started to play it as they ended the show.
Howard started off the show talking about what a good St. Patrick's day they had planned. He talked about the upcoming guests they had coming in like Sam Kinison. Howard spent a short time talking about Kinison's previous job as a preacher.
Howard said that he got a letter from a real creepy guy who has been eating at the same restaurants that he has. He said the guy was telling him he looks better than he claims he does and he should start driving his Corvette faster and creepy stuff like that. He asked Gary to bring it in so he could read it on the air.
Robin reported that Whitney Houston was going to be getting married. Howard said he was attracted to her and all of his friends would tell him that she was a lesbian. Gary came in and talked about some other celebrities who are rumored to be lesbians like Kelly McGillis. Robin told Howard that Whitney was supposed to be getting married to some restaurateur.
Howard talked about going out to dinner with a lesbian couple and they bend over backwards to act like heterosexual couples by calling each other ''honey'' and stuff like that. He said that they were touching and rubbing each other like a husband and wife would. He said that they'll also show you their bedroom and it'll have a really small bed and it'll be decorated just like a hetero couple's home would be.
Howard said that he was out with that couple and brought up Whitney Houston's name which led to the lesbians talking about how Whitney was a lesbian. He said that they have no problem even telling wives of guys that they might be lesbians. He talked about how they spent the whole afternoon talking about how Whitney may or may not be a lesbian. Now she's getting married so Howard is pretty sure she's not. He had to take a break after that.
Robin talked about how some other celebrities go out with other celebrities all the time. Howard figured that they're just too repulsive to have other celebrity friends. He told Robin about how Larry does a whole 20 pages on how great Mario Cuomo is. The only person he put down in his book was the owner of the Washington Redskins.
Howard figured that Larry had to have jotted down notes about all of those people over the years because no one would have a memory for all of the stuff he wrote about. He wondered why people would want to sit around and look at Larry King all night hanging out with him.
Howard talked about Larry bringing up his Jewish heritage in the book and how he dated some Playboy models. He said Larry brings up being Jewish every minute in the book. Howard said Larry can't believe he's famous and neither can he. Howard said he figures Larry must be a celebrity after reading about everyone the guy has hung out with.
Larry was available for an interview but he passed on it because the guy is such a schlub. He talked about Larry doing that CNN show and how he would bring guests from that show to his radio show. Howard said he could write a book better than Larry could. He said Larry's book was okay but he could do better with his stories.
Howard said he should assert himself with the guests more and try to hang out with some of them. He said Larry had the balls to ask Angie Dickinson out on a date after his show and she actually went out with him. He said Larry gave him the creeps talking about that date in the book. There was another story about Marilyn Chambers appearing on Larry's show and she wanted to have sex with him. He attempted to do it but he wasn't able to get it up because there were people watching him in the studio.
Howard said that Dennis Miller has asked him to hang out with him but he always feels weird calling the guy because he feels that he'd be bothering him. They talked about the band Bon Jovi asking them to go hang out with them but they've passed on that as well. Howard said that they went to a Twisted Sister concert and the band ended up getting sodomized in the limo on the way there. He said he missed out on that but he could have gone and had a great time with them.
Howard said he feels really strange accepting offers like that from celebrities but Larry King must get all excited and goes to their house and schmoozes for a couple of hours. He said he'd bring that book in and read some of it to Robin sometime. He had to take another break after that.
Howard read some of the letters he got from the creepy fan he talked about first thing in the morning. The guy was telling Howard to stay the way he is and not to bother with cosmetic surgery. Then the guy talks about seeing him out at restaurants and how he doesn't bother him because he respects his privacy. The guy told him that he's got a lot of people who idolize him and he should start driving his 1980 Corvette like it should be driven before it freezes up on him.
Howard found that letter to be really creepy. He read another letter they got from a lesbian for Robin. After reading the letter Howard had to take yet another commercial break.
Howard talked about the advantages of renting videotapes instead of buying them and how he wouldn't want to do that with his own videotape. The caller had someone banging in the background so Howard asked him what was up with that. The caller was working in a shoe repair shop and someone was banging away in the background. Howard talked to the guy about the job and how he would probably just go buy a new pair of shoes instead of having them repaired.
Howard asked the caller if he could make some boots for him. The guy said they could do that but they don't usually do it. Howard said that if he doesn't do it regularly then he doesn't want him to do it at all. Howard said he was sorry he asked after finding out the guy doesn't do it on a regular basis.
Howard had some song parodies to play for the fans. He said he could do that or just talk for four hours straight with no commercials. He said it's an incredible ability to be able to do something like that. Robin told Howard that Scott Baio is apparently dating Nicolette Sheridan. Howard thought that was horrible news. He said they were supposed to have Scott on the show but he missed it.
Gary said he likes that show Scott Baio is on called ''Charles in Charge'' but he only watches it if there's nothing else on. He also talked about liking ''It's a Living.'' Howard said he passes right by those shows but Gary said that Howard takes his phone off the hook during Knots Landing so no one will bother him. Howard said that some of those shows are really lame.
Howard said he should have gone to bed with that Bo chick. He said he really did want to just have her. Gary said he would do her in a minute. Howard heard that one of the jocks there got her but Gary thought that was just a rumor. Howard said it was fact to him because the jock told him about it and so did Bo. Howard wanted to call the guy and ask him how she was.
Howard played another song parody that wasn't all that well produced but he thought it was one of the funnier ones that's been submitted. He had another one that he thought wasn't produced very well but the guy's voice was very funny. Gary said that Fred said that you can't fake being that bad. Howard had to take another break after that.
The phone kept ringing and ringing and then heard that it was a mobile number and the call couldn't be completed. Howard figured it was a car phone. He and Robin spent some time talking about some of the people who work there and Howard was talking about how easy the job of program director is. He said that they just have to play the same songs that other stations are playing.
Howard talked about how he didn't know what our troops were doing in Honduras and doesn't even know where that country is. He said he hates maps and trying to find stuff on them. He said he knows where California, Florida, Texas, New York and Boston are but that's about it. He said he could call like 17 people out of the blue and they wouldn't know where Honduras was either.
Howard tried doing the random call thing with some fans. The first caller knew where Honduras was but said that she's not that good with maps either. She was also asking about something that Howard didn't understand. Robin had to explain it to him and said that she wanted to hear the call they made to Acapulco. Howard didn't think the call was all that great so he wasn't sure he wanted to play it again. The woman was also saying that she had gone to Caroline's and saw some people out there like Dennis Miller. She said that he looked like a mess there. Howard said that Dennis may have been trying to look cool out there.
Howard spent a minute goofing on John Debella down in Philly and how little that guy gets paid working there. He also talked about an afternoon guy, Ed Shockey, on their station WYSP in Philly and how that guy would introduce himself as a friend of Billy Joel's. They spent a couple of minutes goofing on that guy. Gary said he heard that Billy Joel did thank Ed in one of his CDs. Howard said they should call that guy and ask him about the Billy Joel thing.
Howard talked about how he was a country DJ for a short time in Detroit. He said they wanted him to stay on but he had to clean up and not talk about sex. He said he had to get out of there after that. That's when he moved to Washington DC to get away from that.
Gary got Howard the phone number for that guy Ed Shockey. Howard said he could call him and tell him that he's friends with Mason Reese. He had to take a commercial break though so he didn't make the call to Ed.
Gary came back in and told Howard a story about Ed and how he sat him down one time and lectured him about how he's had a lot of famous guys on his show that he's broken on the air. Howard dialed Ed's number and got an error message so he had to try again. That didn't work either. There were some kind of network difficulties so Howard thought that was kind of ridiculous. He said it shouldn't be that difficult to make a phone call.
Howard tried again and again to make the call but it wasn't working at all. He was told that Ed wanted to call in from Philly instead so Howard said that would work. Meanwhile he talked about how they had a computer there that they were going to keep track of the show bits and stuff on. He said that he was also going to have an intern type up the scripts that they write so they can go back and check them out. Howard was told that they'd be able to go back and search for old segments and bits that contain certain words. Howard said it's unbelievable what computers can do.
Howard had Ed Shockey on the phone a short time later. Ed pretended that he was talking to Bruce Springsteen as he got on the line. Howard asked him if it was true that he introduced himself to Robin by saying that he was friends with Billy Joel. He said that wasn't quite true but Robin said that was the way she remembers it. She said that he said to her ''Ed Shockey, friend of Billy Joel's.''
Ed told Howard a story about how he was one of the first deejays to play Bruce Springsteen's stuff on the air. Howard told him he's a real rebel then. He also name dropped a couple of people that he's friends with like Mason Reese and Leslie West. Ed told Howard he doesn't run around telling people who he's friends with. Robin said he sits down to do that, he wasn't running when she met him.
Ed told Howard he should come down to Philadelphia for a visit. He said the people down there love him and would love to see him. Howard said they could see him in his videotape. The guys talked about how the person who really discovered Bruce Springsteen was the guy at the record company, not a deejay who just played the album on the air. Ed claims that the record company was trying not to promote the album and actually told them not to play it.
Ed continued to talk about how big Bruce Springsteen became down in Philly while he was playing his album. Gary told Howard that he discovered Suzanne Vega but she won't even talk to them. Howard asked Ed if he's actually been to Billy's home. Ed said he had been to his house but not to the apartment that he and his wife had just moved into. He also said that he hasn't really been in touch with Bruce Springsteen lately. Howard said he's not buying that he's friends with those guys. Ed said he never made the claims that he was. Howard let him go a short time later and then went to commercial.
Howard also talked about how quiet his brother-in-law Bruce is but he likes that because the guy doesn't annoy him. He said he doesn't like when he calls him ''Howchie'' like his mother does. He said that annoys him when it comes from him. It's not so bad when his mother does it though.
Howard and Fred told a bunch of gay jokes while doing their gay voices. Fred had a ton of sound effects that he threw in during that bit.
OoTC Stern and Mr. Blackswell spent a while talking about all of the stuff going on down at the parade and then performed a couple of songs together. The songs were all about gay stuff of course. After the songs Howard came back from the parade and then took some phone calls about the bit. One guy said it was excellent so Howard went to break after that.
Sam showed up in the middle of Robin's news report so Howard told the guys to bring him in. Howard said that Gary gave him a look that he didn't understand. Sam came in a short time later and Jackie was laughing his ass off for some unknown reason. Sam had a guy with him who he called the Jackie Martling of the West Coast.
Sam said that he was drunk and had been up all night because he wouldn't be able to wake up for the show. Sam told Howard he wasn't going to curse on the show. He had a few other people with him so Howard wondered if they had to stay. Sam said they didn't have to stay so he told some of them they could leave. He had one chick with him so Howard told him she could stay.
Sam was all over the place talking about how he's missed Howard and a bunch of other things. He said that he has been telling people how great he is and wondered why he didn't get any calls to do certain movies. Sam was pissed that he wasn't called about ''Good Morning Vietnam.'' Howard said that he wouldn't want people to see him watching that movie when he's a legend himself. He said he can't go to movies with the public anymore because he's gotten so popular.
Howard asked Sam if he wanted to call Bobcat Goldthwait this morning. Sam said he would love to do that. Howard had Bob's number so he said he might just do that. Sam was telling Howard about this guy Rick he had with him and how he was a cop. He offered to pay the guy double what he was getting paid as a cop and he's been with him ever since. Sam said that Rick ended up dragging a chick through the audience one night while he was doing a gig and her husband got involved and got his thumb broken. Sam said the people got arrested for felony assault so Rick is great.
Howard asked Sam about this movie he was supposed to be doing where he was playing an Eskimo. He was going to be working with some celebrities. Howard heard that when he read the premise of the movie, he thought it would be great for Sam. Sam said he must have been drunk and high when he agreed to do the movie. Sam said he did ''Back to School'' with Rodney Dangerfield and worked on their scene together. He said he rewrote his whole thing and made it funny. The movie did really well and he was one of the highlights of the movie even though he was only in it for 3 minutes.
Sam said that he turned down some movies like Howard the Duck where he would have done the voice. He said that would have been the end of his career if he had done that. Howard told Sam that he's turned down a lot of movies too. He said he was offered the chance to play a wacky weatherman who comes out as gay at the end of the movie. He wasn't going to do that.
Sam told Howard about how this certain director was doing Caddyshack 2 and Rodney Dangerfield had to walk off the movie because he didn't get along with the director. Sam was supposed to be in the movie but he walked off it with Rodney when they brought in Jackie Mason to replace him. He said that would be like doing a Rambo sequel with John Ritter instead of Sylvester Stallone.
Sam told Howard he signed on to do this new movie because he thought he'd be able to rewrite his lines to make it fit him. He said the money came in through his company so he should have been able to have control of it. Then his manager handed it over to a couple of guys who took control of the movie and wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do. Sam said he looked at the script a few weeks before they were going to shoot and he thought they were all set and ready to go. Then something happened with the director and he claimed that he knew nothing about the rewrites and wanted to go by the original script.
Sam said that he would do that if the guy agreed to sit next to him at the premiere so he could ask him if it was worth it to do something like that. Sam said he got fired and thrown out after that so that's why he was off the movie.
Sam said that they're all claiming that he didn't cooperate on the movie but that was a lie. He was also told that he had a contract that said they didn't have to pay him if he didn't go along with them. Sam said he busted his ass on that movie and that's a bunch of bull.
Howard said that this sounds like his FOX TV deal and how they screwed him over. He said he knows that Sam isn't lying because he sent through a similar situation. Sam said that they've been going off on him claiming that he was behaving despicably and stuff like that. Howard said he knows that Sam is telling the truth and he probably was screwed over.
Howard continued to talk about how Sam had gotten screwed over and he's on his way to being the biggest comedian ever. Sam said he's not Howie Mandel and doesn't want to be in a movie like ''Walk Like a Man'' like Howie was. He said he'd rather be in gay porn getting log slammed from behind before he'd do something like that. He said he wants to give his fans what they're looking for. Sam said that United Artists is trying to sue him for over $5 million. He said he rents his house and leases his car so he invited them to come after him.
Howard told Sam about Oliver Stone's office calling them up and asking for some tapes so they could have an actor study for a role he was doing. Howard said that he would have liked to have done the role himself. Sam said he has a great premise for a movie and he would like to do it with Howard. He said he's been talking to Bernie Brillstein about it. He didn't want to give the information out on the air. He said he'd tell him about it off the air instead. Howard agreed to do the movie without even hearing the premise.
Sam told Howard he was going to love this premise when he heard it. Howard asked him for some lines. Sam said that they could have Fred and Jackie punch it up a little bit if they needed it. Sam said he wanted to get American's do to the movie and not send it out anywhere else. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Sam told Howard that he made $2.5 million last year just from touring. He said that he had some of the top grossing gigs of the year the previous year. He said his time was worth over $1200 per minute at one event. Robin told him that she was in love with him after hearing that.
Howard had Bobcat's phone number so he gave him a call so Sam could confront him. Bobcat was on the line so Howard told him that he had Kinison there. He said he was going to try and patch things up between them the last time he spoke to Bob. Bob told Howard to go ahead and patch away. After a minute Sam said that he was surprised that Bobcat hadn't hung up yet.
Sam asked Bobcat where he was calling from and found out he's out in Los Angeles. He held back on goofing on him a little bit. Howard said that these two guys think that the other one ripped off the other. Sam said that he doesn't think that they ripped each other off... Then he told Howard to go head with this happy reunion he had planned.
Sam said that Bob must be happy about the news about his career. Bob said he was asked to take Sam's spot in that movie he was kicked off of but he turned it down. He said he felt bad for Sam when he heard about it. Bob said he turned down a couple of the gigs that Sam had been rejected from because he didn't want to take any work from him. Sam said that he lost a few jobs in movies like ''Screwed'' and others.
Bobcat said that he didn't think that he and Sam have a similar act so he doesn't think that they have a problem. Sam said that he knows how to say no to bad, stupid movies that he knows are going to be shit. Howard said he can't hold that against Bob. Sam said that Bob tore him up in an interview he did where he called him ugly and stuff like that. That's where the interview went down hill. Sam started to go off on Bobcat for what he's said about him in the press while Bob said that Sam is the one bad mouthing him in the press.
Bobcat said that Sam had claimed that he ripped off his act but Sam said that he never said that. Sam told Bob that he was going to be in L.A. The next day so maybe they should talk then. Then Sam started getting angrier and angrier and threatened to beat Bobcat's ass on the set of his movie. Bob asked him what he was going to do and said he didn't want to fight him. Bob said he doesn't fight and doesn't carry a gun.
Sam said Bob probably wakes up wishing he could be him. He said he wasn't going to take this guy's crap and it was a bad idea to call him. Sam said that Bobcat thinks he's hot shit and he's really not. Howard told Bob he tried to get them back together but it didn't work and he was wrong. He said that the press has pitted the two of them against each other and now things are going all wrong.
Howard asked Sam if he was going to keep him in his movie after all of this. Sam was a little pissed off so Howard asked Bob where he was in all of this. Bob didn't have much to say. Sam said that he and Bob do have different acts but he doesn't deserve to be called the names that Bobcat has said about him in the press.
Bob asked if he could apologize for his comments and just forget about everything. Sam started to get pissed at Howard for backing out of everything and that's when Bob hung up and Sam said the F-word. Howard asked him not to do that to him on the air and freaked out when he cursed.
Sam said that Howard should get Bobcat back on the phone because he wanted to talk about him some more. Howard told Sam that he's going to be the greatest comic that ever lived and that's the way he thinks about him. He doesn't feel that way about anyone else. Sam whipped out his penis at that point. Sam said that he had to have a second of sexual gratification at that point while Howard was kissing his ass.
Howard and Sam went back and forth complimenting each other for a couple of minutes. Howard then called Bobcat back because Sam wanted him to back him up in all of this stuff. Howard called him but got his answering machine. Howard left a message telling Bob that he would never beat Sam because Sam is the king of comedy. Sam said a few words himself. Howard said he would never try to patch things up between guys like that again.
Howard said the worst part of his whole thing is that it took place during Jimmy Fink's time slot so he wasn't going to get the ratings for it. He told Sam he had showed up a little too late. Howard took some phone calls after that and one guy told Sam what a fan he was. Howard had to hang up on him because he was kind of annoying.
Another caller told Sam he saw him at a show and he was great. The guy also said that he had been listening to Howard for years. Sam told the guy to come out and see him at Rascals and to just knock on the back door telling them that he's the guy that called in.
Howard took another call from a woman who told Sam to be careful and make sure he doesn't get sent off to a mental home where he'd be tied up and labotomized. Howard was trying to find out what she was wearing and talked about what he would do to her if he got a hold of her.
Howard had to wrap up the show even though Robin hadn't gotten to much of her news. She said they did do the Honduras story though. Sam, who had been drinking wine all this time, was still kissing Howard's ass telling him he was going to put him in that movie he was talking about. Sam said his word is good and he will put him in that movie. Sam also said that he never would have hung up on Howard like Bobcat did. As Sam was talking about him Howard asked ''Bob who?'' as if he had forgotten all about Bobcat Goldthwait. A phone caller went along with that as well and pretended not to know who Bobcat was.
Howard said that since the people at Comic Relief had dissed Sam, he would never give money to the homeless again. Howard said that everyone is jealous of his career and he knows what that is like because he's had the same problems. He said that Sam is his best friend and continued to kiss his ass for a few minutes. He asked Sam to pull down his pants so he could stick his tongue up his ass as far as possible.
Sam told Howard he really appreciates him calling Bob and leaving that message earlier. He told Howard he will always love Howard and he'll always hate that guy Bobcat. Howard said that Sam has the brain of the best comedian around and not everyone uses that gift to do the right thing. He said that Sam turns down bad movies and doesn't get involved with the crap like certain other comedians do.
Howard said there is no more brilliant mind than this man Sam Kinison. He said that some day they will replay this tape and other comedians would listen to it and study him. The two of them continued to kiss each other's asses for a couple more minutes.
Sam said that he was done with the drugs at this point and he was only drunk on wine today. He said that he would always remember this day when Howard left that message on Bobcat's answering machine. Howard thanked Sam for saying that he has a big penis during the interview. He joked that when he was circumcised, they had to yell out ''timber!''
Howard was going to wrap up the show and give Jackie a plug but Sam mentioned his pal Mitchell who was there with him and how he would be at his show with him. They talked about coming up with a ''Bob Who?'' t-shirt to sell at the shows. Sam let out a couple of his classic ''Oh oh!'' yells as they were wrapping up. The show was over by about 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started the show asking Robin how her ankle was. She said it was feeling better. Howard went on to talk about how angry he was about a bunch of things. He said he had been up since 2 in the morning and he was all weirded out by some stuff that was going on.
Howard did a commercial (for a sponsor was edited out with the most annoying fart sounds) for a luggage company and talked about how he used to shove stuff into his bag. That led to him talking about flying on MGM and how great it was. He said he didn't want to go home after flying with them. He said he had flown out with them thanks to the Hollywood Squares people.
Howard was hearing some noise in the studio so he messed around with the microphones for a few minutes trying to figure out what was causing it. It turned out to be his microphone.
Howard said that Jessica Hahn was going to be coming in today. He said they have to keep her off of TV because she's doing interviews with people like Larry King and she's just not good when she does the interviews. He said that she told Larry that she loved him and he thought that she loved him. Howard said that she's not mentioning his name enough out there anymore.
Howard and Robin talked about Jessica's make over and how odd her upper lip looks compared to her lower lip. He said that she might need some ''Lip-o-suction'' to make it smaller.
Howard said that today's show was going to be great so that mean that tomorrow's might suck. Then he remembered that Sam Kinison was going to be coming in. He and Gary talked about that for a short time.
He said he heard that Oprah Winfrey is making like 500 million now. He said he thinks that his show isn't destined to stay on radio and they will eventually get outlawed by the government and no one seems to care about the first amendment. He said that he seems to be the only one without first amendment rights.
Howard said that this senator Jesse Helms is against him and he has an article about it that he was going to read. He and Robin talked about some of the people who are part of this whole FCC thing and trying to get his show off the air.
Howard said that there were a bunch of homosexuals who got on the air and did this play called ''The Jerker'' which was about guys slamming each other. This show aired at about 10 o'clock at night. He said that the language included the f-word and everything like that. He said that they were very graphic in their descriptions too. Because they played it at night, the FCC doesn't do anything about it. Howard said that show was compared to his show by this Senator Jesse Helms.
Howard read an article about that other show that was so graphic and how there's no way he could play it on this show. Howard was complaining about this rule about airing stuff at night that they can't air in the morning. He argued that kids aren't listening to his show in the morning because they're off to school. He said that the time when they're listening is at night as they're going to bed.
Howard said that sex is not dirty and he doesn't get why it's such a big deal to talk about it. He said he feels like he's being set up and no one out there is coming out to try and help him. He said that he's doomed. He went on and on about how he was getting screwed over. He said he doesn't know why they're going after him and no one else. He said that he knows that in about 3 years he'll be off the air. He said if he's not, they'll come out with something else to go after him about.
Howard told Gary he was a dope after he complained about all of that. He said there's no use in protesting or anything either because that doesn't do any good.
Howard said that he's figured out that there is a first amendment, it just doesn't apply to him between 6-10 in the morning.
Howard continued to go off on Senator Jesse Helms and the other people who were upsetting him with these dumb rules about indecency. He doesn't understand why they're involved in this broadcasting stuff. He said that this is the weirdest situation to be in and this is holding back his career. He said that it's already caused problems with his FOX TV show.
Howard said that his anal fissure was starting to kick in and this stuff wasn't helping. He spent a minute talking about that and what he has to do about it. Howard talked about these problems for a few minutes and then went to break.
Howard finished a live commercial he was doing and continued to complain about the indecent speech thing. He said that he feels like he's being crucified by these people.
Howard did another commercial that had the sponsor farted out for this replay. He came back and played the Karen Carpenter Story bit that they had created. He said he had a bunch of other things he wanted to do after that. Gary came in and told Howard that Jessica was running late so they had about a half hour before she came in.
After playing the Karen Carpenter Story bit Howard took some phone calls and let some people tell him how great the bit was. Howard said that they put in a very minimal amount of effort into that stuff and they don't need a big budget for something like that.
Howard eventually got back into this discussion about the indecency thing again. He said he didn't mean to put a damper on everything but the caller mentioned it. Howard took another call from a guy who told him the Karen Carpenter bit was ''pretty good.''
Howard said he wanted to talk about the Hollywood Squares thing but also wanted Robin to do her news. He said that he wanted to give all of the details about what goes on behind the scenes there. He said that they give everyone the answers before hand and they write those jokes for everyone there. He said that there's no fooling anyone there. Howard said that he had the cards that they gave him there at the show.
Howard said he had the worst time doing the Hollywood Squares thing. He said that no one did anything when his name was mentioned. He said that some of the other people on the show were getting bigger applause than him and they didn't deserve it. He said it was an embarrassment to him. He was complaining about his anal fissure and how much that was hurting him today. He said it must have to do with his mental state. He had to go to another break a short time later.
Howard talked to Jessica about the Larry King appearance she made and how she was telling him that she loved him. Jessica said she has spoken to Larry before and she does like the guy. Howard said that he didn't get to meet up with Jessica out in California but that would have been nice. Jessica said that she had left the day he got there so that's why that didn't work out.
Howard said he wanted to see Jessica naked in his back room all alone. He said he feels like he's owed something from her. Howard said that he's not sure if he can trust Jessica now that she's come out and said that she loves Larry King. She said that's just something she says to people all the time.
Howard said that she also tells Sam Kinison that he looks good. Jessica said that she loves Sam and all they do is talk about Howard. Howard said that he set her up with Sam. He said he saw Larry asking her about Sam and she got all twinkly in the eye.
Howard talked to Jessica about how good she's looking after changing her looks and losing some weight. Jessica told Howard she knows where Sam is too because she heard that Howard was looking for him. She said he was back home in California.
Gilbert Gottfried stopped in for an unscheduled visit. Gilbert said he didn't have anything else to do so he juts stopped by. He said he didn't even have anything to plug. Howard said he was never going to get to his Hollywood Squares story with these two in there.
Jessica didn't know Gilbert very well so Howard said that Gilbert is in an Eddie Murphy movie and he was also on Saturday Night Live.
Jessica gave everyone a copy of her Playboy issue so they all checked them out and talked about their favorite pictures.
Howard talked to Jessica about Sam and figured that she had been with him sexually. Jessica said that Sam has a girlfriend. She didn't say she hadn't been with him, she just said that he's got a girlfriend.
Howard did a commercial during the interview. After that Jessica told a story about going for a limo ride with Sam Kinison. She talked about how great the guy is. Howard said that he should be sampling Jessica's body, not all of these other people. He said he doesn't like all of these comedians coming on to her.
Howard said that Jessica looks really good in the Playboy layout. He said he had to take a break but ended up talking to her a little longer. He told her that he wants her tied up in her next set of pictures.
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked to Jessica about moving out to California. She has a condo out there. Howard said that she'd still be in a trailer if it wasn't for him.
Howard talked to Gilbert about dating. Gilbert said that he would be dating but this whole AIDS thing is scaring him.
Jessica was telling Howard about the Hollywood Squares thing he did. Jessica said that she could have postponed her trip to New York if she knew that Howard was going to be out in L.A. She said that he should have called before he came out.
Howard talked more about the Hollywood Squares thing. He said that Zsa Zsa Gabor told him he was disgusting after they did their 5 tapings. He said that she looks really bad in person but looks good when she's on camera. Gilbert said she doesn't look all that great. Howard said that she looked pretty good. They spent a little more time on that and then went to commercial break.
Howard read through a story about Oprah Winfrey's $500 million deal. He read the details of all of that and said that he doesn't get why this is all going on around Oprah. Robin read through some stuff she had about the story as well.
Robin had a story about Sally Jesse Raphael having a 5 year deal as well. Howard said he thought that he was doing pretty good for himself but now he realizes that he's at the bottom of the entertainment field.
Howard had to do another live commercial during the segment. He ended up talking about Jessica and Sam taking a private jet somewhere together. Jessica talked about that and how she and Sam had shared the jet. She said that he slept most of the way home though.
Howard was having some trouble with the live commercial he was doing so he let Jessica read through it instead. She gave it a try and told Howard more about that trip she took with Sam.
Robin read through some news stories. She had some stories that led to some other discussions. Robin had some news about Liberace so that led to Jessica talking about hanging out with him a couple of times. Howard said he doesn't understand how she ended up with the guy. She said that he asked her to stop over one time and she knew him through the guy she used to work for.
Howard went through another commercial break and read another live commercial with Jessica. He said that he heard that Jessica was going to do this show with Richard Bay. He said that he can't go because he's supposed to be over there doing the show later in the week.
Jessica said that she was talking to Jack Cafferty during an interview and the guy scratched his nose like he was trying to tell her she had something on her nose. She got really distracted by that and it threw her off for the whole interview. She said that she liked him as an interviewer. Howard said she's got to stop saying that she loves all of these people. Jessica said that she just said she liked him, not that she loves him.
Howard went through some more live commercials and then said that he was going to hold off on the Hollywood Squares stories until tomorrow. Then he talked about the show and how he didn't get picked by anyone there. He said that he wished that Jessica had crawled into his box out there. He said there was plenty of room in there. He said they could have made out during the whole thing.
Howard talked about some of the people who were on Hollywood Squares with him. He had no idea who Edie Mclurg was so Robin had to remind him.
Howard said he took a couple of calls for Jessica but they didn't go anywhere so he hung up and wrapped up with Jessica. They went to break after that.
Jessica finally left so Howard got back to Robin's news and talked about some of the stuff that was in the news. Robin read through the rest of her news while Howard and Gilbert goofed around with some of the stuff she was talking about.
Howard spent some time with Gilbert and said he was going to play the Karen Carpenter Story that he had played earlier. He spent a few minutes talking to Gilbert about opening up for Belinda Carlisle and not having a good time with that.
Howard spent a little more time talking about his Hollywood Squares experience. He talked about what a pain in the ass it was over there and how he really didn't have a good time. He told the guys about all of the people who were there on the show with him. He talked about Michael Winslow and how he spits when he makes those sound effects he does. He said that he was talking to him during the show too while they were shooting the show. Howard goofed on some, if not all, of the people who were on the show with him.
Howard had a woman come in to meet him toward the end of the show. He spent a few minutes with her and asked her a bunch of questions about her breasts and her weight loss. She was in for a sponsor that Howard was doing a commercial for.
Howard had Arte Johnson on the phone a short time later. He stayed in his character and spoke to Arte about some stuff. He talked to Arty about the Oprah Winfrey story and asked him for his opinion on that. Arte and Howard spent a few minutes talking about Oprah and stuff like that. They were also talking about the Writer's Guild possibly breaking up and things like that.
Howard did the whole interview as Out of the Closet Stern. He had a lot of questions for Arte about the people he used to work with on Laugh In. They were goofing around with him and Arte said that he didn't believe that this was a morning show, it had to be a night time show. Howard wrapped up with Arte and then wrapped up the show a short time later, around 10:05am (Master Tape Theatre time).
Howard started off the show talking about Eddie Money coming in as a guest. He said he had a big agenda for the show but he had to go to break right after the start of the show.
Howard said he remembered Fred in his will and of course Gary. Then he thought about Jackie and figured he was going to leave the show so he won't be in the will. Robin said Jackie has told him that he's got no time for a girlfriend so that's why he doesn't want to stay there.
Howard said he got good news last night and their Philadelphia ratings came in. He gave himself a drum roll and said that they went from a 6.8 rating to an 8.4 which was a new high for his ratings anywhere. He figured that Jackie was going to want more money after hearing that news. He said some people think that Jackie wants to be the star of the show and can't cope with being one of the team players behind the scenes.
Howard said that the Zookeeper down in Philly still hasn't been beaten but they're only 2 tenths of a point away from beating him. He said that guy has an audience of 12 year old girls who have less hair than the Zookeeper's head.
Howard wanted to say something to the whole crew. He thanked himself for the ratings and gave himself kisses. He thanked the people of Philadelphia for the ratings and also thanked Robin, Jackie and Fred for all they do on the show. Scott the Engineer came in so Howard told him to get out of there because he had nothing nice to say to him. Howard said that perhaps Jackie and Fred are the greatest writers... Then he cut himself off and told Fred that perhaps he's one of the greatest writers and Jackie is just okay.
Howard figures that Jackie's wife is pumping him up so he doesn't need to do it there on the show. Howard told Gary that his teeth are still ridiculous. Gary told Howard that he should thank some of the guests that they've had like Raquel Welch... He pronounced that ''Rick-el'' so Howard goofed on him and his teeth for a few seconds. He told him that no matter what her name is, he still looks like Secretariat.
Howard told Robin how beautiful her breasts are and how that has helped their ratings. He said they still have work to do on the ratings there so they can't let this go to their heads. Robin said that she thinks that people are listening to the greatest radio ever. He told her to wait until he reads her some hate mail they've gotten from Washington, DC.
Howard said he's prepared a very good show today. They have Eddie Money coming in and he will be doing a bit where he meets Liberace. He wanted to take some phone calls from the Philly fans after that. Fred told him he could do that if he wanted to.
Howard took a call from a woman down in Philly who said they like making him number one down there. Howard said he wasn't number one yet but they were on their way. He talked about the Zookeeper down there and how they will prove that he's a no-talent. He said that he's already done it in New York City. Howard said John Gambling can't accept the fact that they've beaten his show. He wanted to call him but Gary didn't think he could get his phone number.
Gary came in with the WOR phone number that Howard wanted so he could call John Gambling. Howard was still on the phone with the woman from Philly so he was asking her what she was wearing. He ended up asking her to take her top off for him. She also rubbed the phone all over herself for him. Howard asked her how much she weighs and how tall she was. She was 5'4'' tall and 110 pounds with a 36-B bra size. She said she kind of looks like Joan Jett so Fred played some puking sounds. Howard said he likes Joan and Fred was just joking around.
Howard called the number that Gary gave him for WOR. Someone answered so Howard told him he was on the air and was looking for John Gambling. The guy put him on hold for a few seconds and then some guy picked up and told them that he was the black guy that hands Gambling the weather on the TV commercials they do. Howard didn't believe that was the case. The guy asked Howard to give him his number and they'd call back. Howard gave the guy a message instead.
Howard told the guy he wanted to give him a message but the guy said he might be able to get John. He disappeared for a few seconds and then asked him for the message. The guy said he had to get back to the weather preparation so he had to go. Howard put him on hold and had Gary give him the number. Gary told him he gave him the number but he's not sure if they'll call back.
Howard described the commercial that they were talking about that John Gambling did. He said they have a black guy handing him the weather report and it's the funniest commercial he's ever seen. He said they arrange the paper on his desk and then John sits down to give the weather report. They had to go to break a short time later.
Howard said that the spittle thing is kind of like people who have a lot of eye cheese, they can only clean it out so many times a day. He also talked about how he plans on destroying that station now that he's on down there.
Howard said he thinks he has a way to cure Stuttering John's stuttering problem. He talked about the way John's lips are really wet when he stutters and he thinks he can do something about it. He continued to goof on the other radio stations and guys that they've worked for.
Howard talked about being introduced to a guy when he was working down in Washington DC when he was being paid $35,000 a year and had an 8 share in the ratings. He said this guy Mo Bender was trying to be cool by telling him about how he gives so much money to charity. The guy had tons of money and wasn't paying him what he should have been paying him.
Howard talked about how they reduced WNBC to nothing after they left there. He said they were shutting their doors the next day and he really wanted to go over there and buy some of their equipment. He told Robin he was serious too because they had some good stuff over there that they never used creatively.
Howard also brought up how he worked with Don Imus back at WNBC. He had to go to break a short time later.
Robin talked about the debate that was on the night before and spent some time on that story. Howard said he was still undecided about who he wanted to vote for. Robin said she was so confused she didn't even know if she was going to vote at all. Howard talked about how frightening the debate was the night before. They had to take a break after that story.
Howard came back from break and got back to the Dan Quayle discussion. Robin went through some other stories and one story was about a place called nig*er Marsh so Howard had some fun with that. Robin informed Howard that Lisa Marie Presley had gotten married so Howard said that The King must be spinning in his grave. He said that he may have to contact Elvis on tomorrow's show. They had to go to another break a short time later.
After the break Robin got back to her news and went through some more stories. She asked Howard at one point what religious group has the most abortions. He figured it was Scientologists but also said that's no religion. He spent a few minutes goofing on that. Robin told Howard that the group is actually the Catholics even though they're the ones who are so against abortion. She and Howard talked about that for a short time.
Howard and Robin talked about Bree Walker leaving the local CBS news. Howard talked about how much he likes to watch her doing the news because she has claw hands. He joked that Robin wanted to send her all kinds of gifts like nail polish, nail clippers and things like that.
Robin also mentioned that Raquel Welch was in the hospital for some undisclosed reason. Howard said he hopes that her breasts are okay. They had to go to another break a short time later.
Howard said that Eddie has a bunch of hits and he tried singing some of them. He and Robin were ruining his song by trying to sing it. Howard said he pictures Eddie having major voice problems after singing because he's got such a gravely voice.
Howard was having microphone problems in the studio. He had to turn one off because it was making so much noise. Howard asked Eddie if he wanted to do this Eddie Money Meets Liberace thing. Eddie didn't know what it was so Howard filled him in on what they had planned. Eddie reminded Howard that he was on the show one time when Elton John was on but he didn't get as much air time as Elton did.
Howard said that they must love Eddie over at Columbia Records. Eddie said that his friends are running the company now and that's kind of scary. He figures they must know what they're doing though. Howard got back to the Liberace thing and told Eddie he should be fine doing the bit. He had to take a break before getting to that and Eddie's new album.
After the break Howard got back to Eddie and talked about the bit they had planned for him. They also talked about Eddie's wife and girlfriend. Neither of them were going to hear the show so he didn't have any problems talking about both of them. Howard asked him if he wanted to play the new record or do the Liberace thing. Eddie wanted him to play the album.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Eddie about his wife who he was separated from. Howard figured that Robin would hop into bed with him in a second. He then played some of the new single from Eddie's album. Eddie said that he actually beat Bon Jovi's new album on one of the charts. Eddie sang along to his song a little bit saying he was warming up for his Letterman appearance later that day. Eddie told Howard he's not happy with the video he shot for the song. He said the guy who directed it was some weasle-y English guy.
Howard spent a short time talking to Eddie about his girlfriend trying to find out how he met her. Eddie joked that she was only 14 years old. Howard ended up talking about how he once went to the doctor who gave him a full physical only after finding out who he was. He said the guy had him strip down in front of him and gave him that full physical. He said he knew something was wrong when the guy called him Needle Dick. He had to take yet another break after that.
Howard came back from break and talked to Eddie about working out. Eddie has been working out with the Body by Jake guy. They talked about the wacky stuff that guy uses in work outs. Eddie said he uses household items to do certain workout things. He said he uses a broom stick and a towel to do some stuff. Howard told Eddie that's funny because in the Liberace bit, Liberace has him working out with a broom stick as well.
Howard wanted to move on to the Liberace bit but he kept asking Eddie questions about his wife and what went wrong there. They spent a short time on that before Howard played some more of Eddie's album, which was apparently scratched, as in an actual vinyl album, not a CD. Howard blamed some of the jocks there at the station for not taking care of that stuff, that's why it was scratched. Howard told Eddie he had to do this Liberace thing but they had to take another break first.
(According to Sir Harden Thicke this segment was later banned from being played on K-Rock due to it's graphic content.) After the break Howard set everyone up with their parts for this Eddie Money Meets Liberace bit. All of the guys had their parts but Robin wasn't involved at all. She said that Eddie appeared to be very nervous about this whole thing. Fred played the part of Liberace. He met up with Eddie and asked him if he had a night stick and when Eddie said he didn't have one, Liberace unzipped and pulled one out of himself.
Eddie tried to play along but he was laughing the whole time. Liberace told his story and described where they were at and where they were going. There were some gay jokes, drug jokes and things like that in the script. Eddie wasn't reading along very well at some points. Eddie told Howard he was done when he was supposed to be sitting on Liberace's lap during a song. He said he was going to leave and go over to Z100.
Liberace and Eddie performed a cover of Eddie's ''Two Tickets to Paradise'' song that had a lot of gay innuendo jokes in it. The song was ''Two Fingers in Paradise'' and Fred couldn't even stay in character through the whole song. Howard told Gary to go revive their general manager since he probably passed out after that.
Howard spent a short time with Eddie and then read some articles about his ratings hike down in Philadelphia. There were a few different stories and they were all talking about how Howard was breathing down John Debella's neck in the ratings.
Howard gave Eddie a plug for the appearance he was making on David Letterman's show that night. He asked him if he was going to be able to go out and sit on his couch at all. Eddie said he hopes that he can. Howard told Eddie that he should crack some jokes about Shirley Mclain because Dave had a fight with her the night before.
Robin got in a few mentions of some stuff that was coming up on some TV shows. Gary came in and told Howard that Eddie had to get going. Howard didn't want to hear that and said he was going to play some of Eddie's album so he wasn't going anywhere.
Howard gave Eddie a plug for his album ''Nothing to Lose'' and played a track off of it as if he were a lame DJ. He took a few seconds to prepare for that and Eddie told him he was too noisy to be a DJ like that. He ended the show on that and it was only about 8:55am Master Tape Theatre time.
Howard started off the show talking about how they had to get to all of the commercials on time today. He said he got a lecture from Tom Chiusano yesterday about that. Fred said he did too. Howard wasn't sure why he got the lectures all the time. He said that it's Robin's fault sometimes too. He said he called Tom to talk about something else and ended up getting this lecture.
Howard said that Robin is partly to blame because she'll tell him to wait before he goes to break when she reads her news. Howard said he got lectured for about 15 minutes yesterday. He said he really has to watch Fred and his signals that he has to break. Fred said that he'd do what he could but he couldn't just go right to commercial when Howard says break.
Howard asked what the smell was in the studio this morning. Fred blamed Gary but Gary said it wasn't him. Howard said that it smelled like garlic. Gary said he had some spaghetti last night but it wasn't garlic sauce. Howard checked the garbage but he didn't smell anything there. He said that it might be the microphone or something.
Gary said it really wasn't him so Howard said that he was awfully defensive about that. Howard said that maybe it's the seat that Maria was sitting in. He sniffed it and said that must be it.
Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to get to this morning. He ran down a few things and said he had to go to break. Robin said ''Wait a minute!'' but she was just joking about that.
After an edited out break Howard said that he took full responsibility for the breaks not being on time. He said that Tom was the one who was blaming everyone else.
Gary said that he's been trying to get David on the show to do a dial-a-date but he hasn't been able to get in touch with him. He said that he did leave some messages for him but he only got one call back and missed that.
Howard said he's going to reveal this Bon Jovi thing later this week if he doesn't come on the show tomorrow. He said he will reveal it even though he knows that it's wrong morally. He said he has to resort to radio blackmail these days to get guests on the show. He said he feels really burned by Bon Jovi because they treated him like a superstar before they hit big. He said they had them on a couple of times but now there appears to be no payback from them.
Gary said that there's an article in the New York Times that basically says that the Bon Jovi album is bringing an end to pop music. They've sold 3 million copies of it already. Howard said that he heard that the new album isn't all that great. He said his niece was telling him that she doesn't like many of the songs on the album.
Howard said that rock bands seem to think that if they appear on his show, other stations won't want them on. He said that there is a real hate for his show in the radio industry. He said that they're so in awe of him that they'll do anything to keep people off his show.
Howard said that they can sell a lot of records on his show. He said that they could probably sell a lot more records through his show than they could on that dopey Z-100. He said he's not sure what he can do about that though.
Howard said that Bon Jovi should be thinking that he treated him well in the beginning and he should want to pay him back for that. Howard goofed on Scott Muni a little bit about the way he does interviews with guys like that. Howard spent a few minutes talking about Scott Muni and how weird he is with some of the shows he does. He did an impression of him talking about The Beatles like he always seems to do on his show.
Gary said they had some hate mail to read through today. He's also got some news stories for Howard to go through. They also want to call some lesbians today who want to do dial-a-date. He said they wanted to talk about the Elton John show list and about a guy who is selling John Lennon t-shirts.
Howard read through the rest of the list of people who were at the Elton John concert. They listed the people who were there on Saturday night, the night he was there, and left him off. He said that they mentioned Keith Hernandez, Shari Montgomery, Billy Joel and some others. Howard said that you'd think that people would want to know that he was there before they'd list Shari Montgomery. He said that they didn't even list Richard Lewis in that article.
Howard read through a live commercial for some product that took 4 D batteries. He complained about the way it was written because it sounded like it took ''40 batteries.'' He asked Gary to have the copy department change that so he can read it the right way. Howard said he thought they were talking about Robin's vibrator with 4 D batteries. Robin said she doesn't need that much power, her's takes just C batteries.
Howard also talked about how his father used to give him a hard time about going to college for communications. He said that his father was right, he didn't need college for that. He has a deep voice and he can talk so that's about all he needed. He said that he did graduate Magna Cum Laude but it was for watching movies. Howard talked about some of the stuff that they would go over in college classes about how to program networks and stuff like that.
The caller on the line said that he can relate to his problems with his family trying to tell him how to eat. He said that he's got the same issues. Howard took some other calls and spent a few minutes talking to those fans and then went to break.
The caller also asked if Robin has anything to say about Robin Givens since they both have the same name. Howard wondered if this guy was a communication's major or something. He wasn't really able to get his point across.
Howard went into an impression of the guy on the phone and asked him where he was from. He was from Maryland. Howard asked him if he was in retard classes in school. He said he wasn't. Howard asked him a few more questions about where he went to school and things like that. They ended up making fun of him after hearing where he went to school.
The caller said that he graduated with a math major so Howard asked him what he does. The guy said he's a forklift operator now. Robin said that education came in handy then. Howard said that his questions were a little dopey, that's why he was saying what he was saying.
Howard asked Robin to get back to her news and said he'd bring back Mamalookaboobooday during that. He let the caller go a short time later.
Howard wanted to take a break but Robin wanted to read more about the Nusbaum thing. Howard let her do it but said she really has to let him run the show. She read one more story about Spin magazine putting condoms in their magazine. Howard ended up doing an impression of Bob Guccione Jr. and his father since Jr. the owner of that magazine.
Howard had a phone number for Bob Guccione Jr. so he tried calling him after Robin read the story. He said he was just trying to impress the audience by showing them that he has his number. Howard let the phone ring for a few minutes but no one was picking up. He gave up on the call and started doing more of his Bob Guccione impression when his microphone started to cut out. He wondered what kind of radio station he was working at where his microphone cuts him off.
Howard said that they had a K-Rock voter registration there at the station not too long ago and he signed up but he hasn't gotten anything confirming that he's registered. He said that guy Guido didn't let him know what happened. Gary said he'll have them check on that today.
Howard brought up Stuttering John and talked about how he's able to lose the stutter when he plays a character. Gary said that he'll leave messages on his machine in a British accent and he doesn't stutter. Howard said that Fred can be kind of long winded but when he's in character, he keeps things short. He's like a totally different person when he's doing characters.
Howard and the guys spent a few minutes talking about President Bush and about Michael Dukakis. Howard said he's not sure who he'd vote for if he knew he was registered to vote. He said he doesn't want to stand in a booth and try to figure out what local guys to vote for either.
Howard said that if he votes for a Democrat in the Presidential election, he'll usually vote republican in the local elections so they kind of cancel each other out.
Robin got back to her news and read through a bunch of various stories. She had one about Pat Sajak getting his own talk show. She said that he had dinner with Jack Parr so he could get some ideas for what to do on his own show. That led to Howard talking about what a no-talent Jack Parr was. That's why he lost his show and sits around showing old tapes of those old shows. Howard and Robin went through some more news and talked about the stuff she was reading. She wrapped up a short time later.
Howard said he was going to replay the radio movie they made about Dominic Barbara. He said this was based on the movie ''The Accused'' and they were calling it ''Confused.'' He played that and said they'll have another new one in a few days called ''I Love Uterine Cancer'' based on ''I Love Lucy.'' After Howard played the movie he went to break.
Howard said that he's got a daughter who is 5 years old now and he should stop talking like that or she's going to know what he does for a living.
Howard said that his parents are like the complete opposite of him and they don't mind driving around in other countries and stuff. He said that they were over in Spain when they had some car trouble. He said that they had a guy who helped them out and the guy took the car for about 30 minutes and came back with the car fixed and didn't charge them anything. Howard said his father was telling him that the Spanish over there aren't like the Spanish here in this country.
Howard asked Robin if her parents travel to exotic places... like her apartment. She said that they haven't even been there.
Mama and Robin talked about the traffic a little bit and then talked about some stuff that was in the news. Robin asked Mama about Oprah Winfrey and what he thinks of her. He said that he's actually writing a letter to Oprah and read some of that to Robin. He also said that he went to the college that the caller said he went to earlier in the show.
Mama's letter to Oprah talked about how he wants to get into her pants after she lost 90 pounds. He said that there's room in there for him now. He also said that he wants to have a baby girl with her and wants the baby to look just like Oprah. Then Robin asked him about his girlfriend, Loberta, who was in the chopper with him. Loberta (another Howard impression) went off on Mama for writing that letter to Oprah.
Mama got back to the letter to Oprah and talked about how nice it would be to lay in bed with her and how proud he'd be to be the father of her baby. He also described what the child would look like as a mix of Oprah and Mamalookaboobooday.
Mama said that he had a baby with his other girlfriend, Loberta, and he wants Oprah to know that. He continued to read the letter to Oprah and then Loberta went off on him for not ever proposing marriage to her. Robin told Mama that Oprah has a boyfriend. Mama said that she's been with him for a long time but he thinks that he could take his place. He also talked about how he pleasures himself every night, just like that Howard Stern.
Mama and Loberta went at each other a little bit. Then Mama said that's why Robin hasn't heard from him for a while now, because that Loberta hurts his voice.
Mama said he had to get going a short time later. Howard said goodbye to him and let him go. Howard went to a break after that.
Howard talked to the guy who lost the 40 pounds about the weight loss program. The guy talked about that a little bit but Howard asked him to talk softly because Robin was on the ''you know what'' today. Robin said he didn't have to go there.
Howard talked to this guy and his girlfriend for a couple of minutes. He asked the girlfriend about the weight loss thing and she said she lost 10 pounds herself. Howard asked her if she feels more sexy now that he's lost his weight. The guy said that he's too tired to do it but she's asking him to give it to her all the time.
Howard told the guy that he looks great and hopes he can keep the weight off. The guy said that he's on maintenance now and he thinks he'll be able to keep the weight off. Howard said he didn't appear to be any type of genius or anything either. The guy said that he works for a food distributor as a sales rep. Howard asked them if they have plans to get married. The guy asked Howard not to get him in trouble by going there.
Howard asked the woman about her boyfriend's penis size and she seemed to be saying that it looks bigger now but it's not all that big. He wrapped up with Rich and Karen a short time later.
Howard said that he heard that Elton John's people were upset about something they thought he said but he claims he never said it. He said that they explained it to his people but they still didn't book him for the show. Gary said that they claim that they've booked him for the show in May. Howard said he knows something about Elton John that very few people know about him. He said that it could effect the people he loves.
Howard said that he's got some stuff on John Bon Jovi and if he doesn't come on the show by Thursday, he's going to reveal that too. He said that he has to tell John what it is he has on him. He told Gary to call Doc McGee so he can tell him what he has on John that he wants to reveal. He said that even Doc may not know this bit of information.
Howard said that John will be there tomorrow or Thursday because of this information he has. He said he can almost guarantee he'll be on. Gary came back in and said he tried calling Doc but the number was busy. Howard tried calling the number himself after that. He got an answering service that told him to wait on the line. Howard said that he's going to have to keep this information quiet so he may have to have Fred and Jackie leave the studio when he tells Doc what he has.
Howard got through to the secretary at Doc McGee's answering service. He was going to give her the message so he can give him a call back. Howard told her to ask Doc if he's aware that he has some information on a certain John Bon Jovi and he's going to reveal that information on Thursday if he doesn't show up by then.
Howard said he was falling in love with the woman on the phone because she was so polite and nice to him. He said that he was hearing her talking and thought that he had a feeling of love all of a sudden. He got back to the message and told her that he's going to reveal this information at 8:30 on Thursday morning. Robin asked him if he really wanted to do it that late, he might want to do it at 7:20. Howard said that the local Z-100 station used to give away money at that time because some dope told them that 7:20 is the time when most people are listening.
Howard finished off the message and asked if he had been a bad person to those guys. He had the woman read back the message so he knew that she had it right. The woman said that if she didn't get off the phone she was going to get fired. Howard asked her to stay on a little longer and make sure she had the message right.
Howard asked her some questions about Ireland since that's where she was from. She said that she moved over to the States many years ago. She spent a couple more minutes with him and kept trying to get off the line. Howard kept her talking though. She eventually got off the line. Howard said he always wanted to marry a receptionist.
Howard said he swears that he has information on Bon Jovi and he really is going to reveal it on Thursday. He said he had to take a break after that.
After an edited out break Howard said that he was driving everyone crazy with the Bon Jovi information. He said he has to blackmail people to get them in there though. He said that someone mailed him a letter years ago, about this thing and he thinks that it sounds like it could be true. He could make one phone call to verify it. He said he never had any interest in doing that before though.
Howard was in the middle of a live commercial so he went through that quickly. Fred dropped some carts during the commercial so Howard couldn't get through it without goofing on him. That led to Howard asking Fred for some sound effects and goofing on WYSP about the way they used to have wind chimes playing in the background. Now they have carts falling over as the sounds in the background. He juggled some carts around to make it sound like that was the new background noise for the station. Howard said that those carts are a pain in the ass.
Howard said that he wanted to get to the Elton John song but he kept messing around with the cart falling sound effects. Robin suggested that they hold a contest where people call in to win money when they hear the carts fall. Howard said that's a good idea and he demonstrated what that might sound like. He knocked over a pile of carts so people would know what to listen for.
Stuttering John came in and said that John Bon Jovi is leaving the country today and he wasn't going to be able to make it in there. Howard said that he's had it with them and he's still going to reveal the information he knows.
Gary came in and wanted to give them some prize information but Howard ended up yelling at him for kicking John out of his seat. Gary said he was just trying to give him some information and John got up himself.
Howard called Leslie West to verify that it wasn't him who gave the information about John Bon Jovi. Leslie picked up and said that he doesn't even know John Bon Jovi. Howard said that he was just kidding when he said that it was Leslie, and it was Robin who brought it up in the first place.
Howard talked to Leslie West about some other stuff after that. Leslie wanted to know what this information was but Howard said he can't reveal it until Thursday. Howard said that Leslie is always bringing up all kinds of stuff with him when they talk on the phone. He said that he tries to get things going with him that he doesn't need to.
Howard said that Leslie is like his sister, he calls up and said he can't believe they didn't put his name in the Daily News when they wrote about some other people who were at some event they were at. Howard said that he gets worn out from these conversations he has with Leslie.
Howard said that Leslie gave him some great information about Bon Jovi that he's going to reveal on Thursday. Leslie said ''I did not!'' so Howard said he was just kidding. Howard wished him a happy birthday but Leslie told him to kiss his ass and hung up. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard got a doctor on the phone who said he had never heard of Howard Stern before. He was in Washington DC but said he was originally from Chicago.
Howard said they had a female athlete visiting them today and she had a question for him. It was Fred doing a deep voiced ''Martina'' who asked if she'd have problems if she spilled steroids on her testicles. The doctor said he wasn't sure if she'd have a problem with something like that. Howard told ''Martina'' that she sounded like Fred Mertz. He went into his Ricky Ricardo impression to go along with Fred's impression.
Howard asked the doctor if he's gotten any calls about this before. The doctor said they have about 15 lines and they're almost constantly lit up. He told Howard that the first use of anabolic steroids was for people who got out of the concentration camps in World War II to help them gain weight.
Howard asked the doctor if he thinks that Joe Piscopo is using steroids. The doctor said he thought he looked like an honest guy and he doesn't believe he is using them.
Howard told the doc that he just thought it would be fun to call and ask about the steroids. They spent a few more minutes talking about the doctor's life and found out that he's black. That gave Howard a whole other line of questions for the guy. He was asking him if he's married to a black woman. The guy said he was but he really had to get back to work. Howard threw out a couple of jokes but the doc said he really had to get back to work. He was laughing through most of the call though.
Howard thanked the doctor a couple of times and kept telling him he was going to let him go but he kept him on the line for a few more minutes. The doc said that he'd talk to them later but Howard knew that they'd never speak again. He made sure to let everyone know that Joe Piscopo doesn't really use steroids.
Meg came in to talk about this thing with Jackie. She was also upset about something that they had played on the air and claimed it was an accident. Howard said that it really was a mistake and he'd take a polygraph test to prove it.
Meg told Robin that she met one of her friends who told her that she had a palm reading done. Robin told her that those people are pulling her leg because she doesn't do that stuff.
Howard told Meg that he really did hit the wrong tape the other day when he played the Tawana Brawley tape. He was trying to play a clip of Meg but it turned out to be the wrong one. Howard said that he wasn't trying to upset her and he wasn't going to replay it today.
Howard played the tape of Jackie doing his joke show during Meg's shift. He was telling a bunch of dopey jokes and Meg laughed at a couple of them. She said she was laughing at a bunch of them, they just couldn't hear them.
Howard asked Meg if it was that time of month when she got all upset with him last week. She said it wasn't that time. Howard played another clip of Jackie doing his thing during another one of Meg's shows. Jackie said that they asked him to do this thing as soon as possible so he rushed them on the air. Jackie blamed the station for making him do them the way he did. Howard blamed Jackie for all of that because he was the one demanding more air time.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Meg about her marriage and found out that she wasn't having sex with her boyfriend when she was working with Howard at WRNW. Howard found that hard to believe. He told Meg that she must be really uptight. He said that she was with him for like a year before she had sex with him then. He said she must be something else for that guy to go that long without having sex with her. Howard said that Robin processes men like cheese and he can't believe Meg went that long without her man.
Howard said that he was going to continue this conversation tomorrow. Robin threw in a couple more quick news stories before they wrapped up. Howard couldn't let the story about Meg's sex life drop so he asked her more about that. Meg didn't want to get into too many details but she did mention that her in-laws were on the honeymoon. Meg said that Howard was going to get her into trouble if he kept talking about this.
Howard said he has to go home and think about this some more tonight and come back tomorrow to talk more about it. He later said that he's never going to bring it up again, until tomorrow. He asked Meg to come in at 7 tomorrow morning. He wrapped up the show a short time later.
Howard started off the show talking about the big Christmas party they had coming up today. Gary said that they also had a guy there to rub Robin down but she wasn't into that and laughed as she said ''Noo'' to that offer. Howard went on to say that a lot of people wanted to get into the party today but they had to turn a lot away.
Howard mentioned the 'gina girl who was going to be coming in. He also said he was going to get the first commercial break out of the way early. Robin suggested opening presents early to get that out of the way before the party.
Howard said he got Stuttering John some cash so he had an envelope ready for him. Robin asked Howard about seeing Cope (Mark Copala) when they came in this morning and they found it odd that he's no longer full time there at the station. Robin said he was complaining about not having cab money when she saw him. Howard said he's looking much better without his hair piece. He almost said that he looked great but took that back and said that he just looks a little better. Howard said that Jimmy Fink took over for Cope and he's pretty good too. He said they actually like everyone who works there with them.
Gary came in and told Howard who had showed up so far this morning. They had a choir there and a hypnotist and also a belcher. Siobhan the Transsexual wanted to come in but they had to turn him away. Howard said they told him he couldn't come in but he showed up anyway. Gary said that Siobhan told him that his manager told him to meet him there even though they weren't booked for the show.
Gary was telling Howard about this guy Vinnie the Cricket Eater and how they got calls from animal rights activists who didn't want that to happen. Howard said that's going a little far to worry about cricket's rights. They're not animals, they're just insects. He said those are people who have way too much free time and their priorities are kind of out of place. He told Robin that eating insects isn't much different than eating plants.
Howard wanted Gary to give the door man at the station some cash so he handed him a $20 bill. Scott the Engineer came in and told Howard that he was in the elevator with Siobhan earlier and the door man thought ''she'' looked nice. He said the guy was going nuts over her. Howard told Gary to get the guy's number so he could call and break the news to him.
Howard said that Fred had a whole list of people he had to tip in his apartment building. He read through the letter that his building hands out so everyone knows who to tip. Howard read through the list that had at least 11 guys on it.
Howard wondered if he has to tip Fred for doing voices and stuff. He was talking about how out of control tipping has gotten in this country. Gary came walking in and gave Howard the number for the lobby guy that was going nuts for Siobhan. Howard told the guy that Siobhan was a guy and he claimed that he knew that already. Howard said that was a little confusing to him after letting the guy off the phone. The guy told him to give his best to Robin as he was getting off the phone. Howard said that everywhere they work they have someone who goes nuts for Robin and it's always someone who works in the lobby.
Howard said that Gary was going to go check to see who was there for the Christmas party. They were going to take a break and then maybe get to some news.
Howard came back from break and asked Gary who was there. Gary told him about how the lobby was full of men and no women. He said that they had the gay men's choir there and they were practicing in the women's bathroom. Fred the Elephant Boy showed up as well and started talking to Gary but Gary didn't understand a word he was saying.
Robin asked if Kimberly Taylor was going to show up. Howard said she was going to come but she thought she was going to be back into the are this Friday but it turns out it wasn't until next week. He thinks that Penthouse stopped her from doing the show and that's why she really wasn't showing up today.
Howard asked where everyone was. Gary said everyone was told to show up by 6:30 but there were still some people missing. He said they had 6 women who were supposed to be there. They have about 7 or 8 guys who are already there. Howard wondered why they have more women there than men because that just isn't right. He thinks that the woman will eventually show up though.
Howard asked Gary how the Christmas Party was the night before. Gary said it was pretty good and brought up a couple of things that went on during the party. He told Howard about one woman who was there looking pretty good.
Gary said that they were supposed to have a mystery guest today but their Program Director, Pat, failed to come through with that. It was supposed to be Keith Richards but it fell through. That led to Howard talking about this guy Dale Parsons who they used to work for. He said working for him made him sleepy but this new PD they have even makes him look exciting.
Howard said that Pat is really cute but she will line up guests for them and it just doesn't happen. He said she tells them about trying to get a guest and then it'll fall through. Gary told Howard that Pat always has the same excuses for every guest that falls through. She'll blame management and the fact that it's really early in the morning to get up.
Howard said that he had some good questions for Keith Richards and he was even willing to take a call from the guy. He said he would have been nice to him too but now he's thinking that he's just a ''pock marked dick head.''
Gary gave Howard another update for who was there for the Christmas Party. They were still waiting on a few guests who hadn't showed up yet. There were still a bunch of women who hadn't come in yet. Howard brought up Vinnie who was going to be eating the crickets. Gary said he apparently went to a pet shop and bought a bunch to eat on the air. That led to Howard talking about how he could base a whole pay-per-view event based on eating the crickets.
Howard said he wanted to get home to see this Neil Diamond concert that was going to be on. He said he just had to see the freaks in the audience. He claimed not to know any of his songs but within a minute he was singing a bunch of the songs he did know.
Howard talked about the hippie days and how bad he looked trying to wear the big bell bottom pants for just one day when he was in school. He said he felt like people were staring at him so he just stopped after one day. He told Robin how goofy his bell bottoms looked because they were way too big. He couldn't pull off the hippie look back then.
Robin asked Howard if he ever got into the hip hugger jeans. Howard said he didn't want to think about how ridiculous he looked back then.
Howard got his gift from Gary who got him a pair of Harley boots. He said that's just what he wanted. Howard told him that he shouldn't have gotten him that stuff but he really appreciated it. He tried them on and they fit him perfectly in size 13. Howard told Gary he couldn't fire him for at least another year so he was a smart man.
Robin said she got some candle holders from Gary and Jackie and they were very nice. Howard thought it was some reference to something sexual but she wasn't taking it that way. Scott the Engineer came in with a gift for Howard but he didn't want everyone to start going nuts handing out presents.
Jackie said that he was in on Robin's gift as well. Fred opened up a gift and it was some Beatles CD that was supposedly illegal. He said they were very expensive. Howard said that you have to have a lot of free time to be able to listen to Beatles rarities CDs.
Fred got some fuzzy slippers as well so Howard told him he's supposed to wear those on his feet, not on his head like he figured he was going to try. Howard wanted to see what Jackie got everyone so he had him pass out his gifts.
Jackie gave Howard his gift and said he knew that he was probably going to hate it. Howard opened the gift and it was a blank frame. Jackie told him to look at it in the right light and it would be a hologram. Howard asked what kind of gift that is for him. He didn't get why he was giving him a hologram of open oysters. Jackie handed him another gift which was a little nicer. it was an oak and brass tic tac toe board. He thought that was great because he and his daughter could play together. There was a picture of Howard in the center square since he had been on Hollywood Squares.
Gary got some tongs from Jackie who had put some teeth on the end of it. He also got a vibrator from Jackie and he thought that was kind of strange. Gary also got a poster of a model to hang on his wall. Jackie asked Howard if he really hated that hologram. Howard said he liked it but then whispered that he was going to throw it right in the garbage.
Howard said he was going to go to break but they must have edited out that commercial break for Master Tape Theatre. Gary told Howard that 'Gina girl was there and her boyfriend is this guy Loud Mouth Jerry. Howard said that should be great. He said he wanted to get to all of that but they had to finish up with the gifts.
Fred passed out some of his gifts so Howard opened his. Gary said that Fred got him a racquetball racquet which was a great gift for him. Jackie got a little TV that he liked. Howard was still opening his gift so Robin let him know what she got. She got a designer clock. Howard got an alabaster chess set. Fred said he spent more than $150 on that gift so Howard said he was going to have to throw in some extra cash with the gift he got for him.
Robin handed out her gifts to everyone. Howard got a Harley Davidson belt buckle. He said he should buy a motorcycle since he's got all of this motorcycle stuff now. Gary got a light weight tri-pod for his video camera. Jackie got some Christmas silverware. Robin said she bought that for Nancy, not so much for Jackie.
Howard said that he was going to have to attach his buckle to a belt but he didn't know how to do that. Fred let them know that he got a Daffy Duck Neon Clock from Robin.
Howard said he got all of the guys the same gift but he doesn't know about it now that Fred got him that chess set. He said he threw in an extra $100 with Gary's gift. The guy opened them up and they all got Sony Watchman TVs. He thought they were kind of nice but Gary said he already had one. He also said that he liked it anyway. Howard said it's better than a hologram.
Howard got Robin something different. She opened up her gift and said they were earrings that were kind of cute. She didn't sound so thrilled with them though. A short time later she was goofing on him for getting her plastic jewelry. Howard said that she was being way out of line with that. Robin said she put a lot of thought into her gift for him but he apparently didn't do that for hers. Howard said that was embarrassing.
Howard gave Stuttering John a couple hundred bucks since he just wanted cash. Howard said he couldn't get over Robin's reaction and asked her to give back her gifts. She said she was joking but no one believed her. Robin got another gift from Stuttering John and said she didn't know what it was. Howard said he knew the look on her face which was that of disappointment. She was laughing and saying that she was fine with it. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard was getting sickened by the Christmas music that Fred was playing in the background. Gary gave Howard a CD that a listener had sent in for them. It was Christmas music with fart sounds played along to the music. He listened to that for a short time and then got back to the gifts. He said that Gary gave good gifts and Fred went over board a little bit. Robin gave him a nice gift so he thanked her for that again.
Howard and Gary talked about the girls that were going to be coming in and Gary wondered where to seat them. Howard said he wanted some of the girls to be right up hear him.
The girls started coming in a short time later. He recognized one of the girls but he couldn't place her. The Gay Choir came in and Howard pointed them in the other direction so they wouldn't be where he wanted the girls. They had the belcher guy, Bo the Lesbian, Loud Mouth Jerry and The 'Gina Girl in there. Howard asked about another girl who identified herself as Diane.
Bo the Lesbian said hello to Howard. She was going to be serving drinks to everyone naked according to Howard. She gave him a ''Well...'' so he told her they agreed to that and she can't change. She was looking kind of pale to Howard so he wondered what was up with that. She had changed the color of her hair so that was part of the problem. Howard said he was surprised that she didn't bring Alley Sheedy with her.
Howard went around the room and asked one of the girls who she was. She was saying she was ''Santa Claus'' and then said she was one of the other girls' friend. She was actually a stripper who was going to get naked with a couple of the other girls.
Fred the Elephant Boy was there so Howard said hi to him. He asked the other girls if they thought he wasn't such a bad looking guy. No one jumped up and agreed though. Howard moved on to the guy who was there to massage Robin. He had claimed that he looked like William Hurt but no one thought he looked anything like Hurt.
Howard said he was talking to the hypnotist guy and he was going to have to take Robin into another room to try and make that work. Howard complained about the way Gary had the room set up. He got back to the Santa Claus stripper chick and asked her why she was there. She wasn't going to take her clothes off though so Howard told Gary to get her away from the microphone.
Howard wanted to talk to the 'Gina Girl so he asked Gary to get a microphone on her. Loud Mouth Jerry was in there so he told Howard that she's really his girlfriend. He said he's doing the Woody Allen thing and next week he'll have an Asian chick. He said he took 'Gina girl in and has been taking care of her. 'Gina Girl told him to calm down. Howard asked her what she was going to be doing for them today. She said she was going to take off all of her clothes and dance for them. Jerry said she was going to take her clothes off if they play her music for her.
Gary was bringing more people in and one of the guys was going to dance for Robin. Howard got back to 'Gina Girl and asked her about getting naked. He got sidetracked when he thought about how Fred the Elephant Boy was looking pretty confident standing next to 'Gina Girl.
Howard heard that 'Gina Girl had to strip to the song ''Monkberry Moon Delight'' so he wondered what was up with that. 'Gina girl said she really likes Paul McCartney, that's why she has to do it to that one. She told Howard that she tried dancing last night and had everyone laughing when she said that.
Howard spoke to the hypnotist guy and asked if they could make Robin have an orgasm when she rubbed her ear or something. The guy said they could have Howard rub his ear and she would orgasm. Howard seemed to like that idea. He got back to 'Gina Girl and said he was going to play her song so she could strip down and do her 'Gina Dance. There were some other girls who were going to get naked but Jerry wanted her to get naked by herself.
Howard said that 'Gina Girl isn't retarded, she's just slow. Howard said 'Gina Girl was getting naked and he hadn't even started playing her music yet. He started playing the music and she started stripping down quickly. Howard told her to get her clothes back on because Vinnie was throwing up. Howard said he had to go to break a short time later but talked about how some of the guys in there were ready to throw up.
Howard said that 'Gina Girl almost made everyone throw up when she stripped down. He said that everyone was repulsed from that 'Gina dance she just did. Howard said he has never averted his eyes from a naked woman before... until he saw her dancing. He saw her belly hanging and her bent over and just looking awful. He said she wasn't wearing underwear or anything either.
Howard asked the people in the studio if they were drinking. Fred was standing up so Howard asked him to go sit down. He noticed that the hypnotist guy looked like he wasn't having a good time so he told him to relax and enjoy himself. Howard had to go to break a short time later.
Howard asked one of the lesbians about the type of woman she likes and found out that she likes white women. She said that it's all pink on the inside so the color of her skin doesn't matter. Howard told her to watch herself because they were on the air. Robin asked her if she's been with a man. She said she had been with a man but it's not her preference.
Howard spoke to some of the gay guys as well. He asked one of the guys about his lover and if both of them had AIDS tests done. They were fine so Howard asked them if they were ready to perform some songs. They were ready to go so Howard had the Gay Choir perform. They were preparing to sing but Howard spent a few minutes talking to them before they actually performed. Howard asked what it is about him that makes him unattractive to gay men. One of the guys said he would be attracted to him if he saw him on the street. Howard thanked him for that and asked them what they were going to perform. They had a song called ''Meat Muffin Pie'' but Howard didn't think the lyrics were going to go over very well.
Howard told the Gay Choir go ahead and perform their song since they didn't have anything else for them to perform. They sang a medley of gay Christmas song parodies. Howard then moved on to Dr. king who was there to hypnotize Robin. Howard didn't think he was going to be able to make that happen. He thought Dr. King was really good the last time he was on the show but he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to hypnotize Robin. He told her to swear that she wouldn't make a deal with the guy and fool them.
Howard had Dr. King go into Robin's booth and shut her microphone off so they could let Dr. King do his work. Howard spent some time trying to shut off Robin's microphone but wasn't having much luck. He eventually got it off and found out they had a go-go dancer ready to take her clothes off. She showed that she was completely shaved but Howard told her to keep her clothes on for now.
Vinnie sat down to eat his crickets and asked Howard to play some of the tape he brought in. Fred the Elephant boy confirmed that the crickets were alive and then Vinnie sat down to eat the six live crickets. He was going to cook them with lighter fluid but Howard told him he had to eat them live. Vinnie had a plastic bag ready to go just in case he threw up. Howard told him he could see just one and that would probably be enough.
Howard wanted to see the cricket himself so Vinnie had to show him before he ate it. He eventually ate one and started choking a little. He said he had some meal worms to eat too but Howard didn't want to see that. Vinnie ate another one a short time later to prove that he ate the first one.
Howard told her to look at him and she was laughing like crazy. He asked her if she believes in that hypnosis stuff and she said she didn't but she was laughing pretty hard. Dr. King put Robin under and told her to sleep. He was going to give her some suggestions to do some more wacky stuff. Dr. King told Robin that she was going to wake up and speak fluent Chinese.
Robin came out of her sleep and Howard asked her a question. She wasn't speaking Chinese though. Dr. King put her back under and tried to make the Chinese thing work. Howard told him he was going to take a break and see if they could make that happen during the break.
Howard said they had 3 girls who were going to get naked. He asked them to make that happen for the Christmas party. He said it was a great party so far. He wanted to play some music for the girls to get naked to but he wasn't sure what to play. He eventually picked Robert Palmer's ''Simply Irresistible.'' Howard played the song and had the girls strip down to the music even though they couldn't all hear it. Howard told the girls they would have to strip down without the music because he couldn't make it happen. Scott the Engineer came in and tried to help but that didn't work either.
Howard asked the belcher guy to belch along to a song. The guy belched a little bit but Howard got right back to Robin when she was available. She said that she didn't think that the hypnosis thing was going to work but she found out she was wrong when she actually laughed after the doctor made his suggestion.
Howard told Robin she was just in time to see the three girls get naked to serve drinks. He didn't want 'Gina Girl dancing so he told her to sit this part out. Jerry wanted her to do it but Howard told him it wasn't going to happen. Howard played ''Simply Irresistible'' again and had the girls strip down. Howard said that Juliet looked really good and was stripping down the right way. Bo the Lesbian didn't strip all that well according to Howard. He said that Diane was also stripping down and the crowd went nuts when they were all naked.
Howard told Bo that she looked wonderful. Juliet had gotten a little wild from what Howard said. He said that Diane was whipping Bo the Lesbian at one point and things were getting out of hand. Howard told the girls he really liked that and it was the best part of the whole Christmas party.
Howard told Dr. King he wanted to hypnotize some of the girls. He didn't want to say what he wanted them to do in front of them though. He talked about this guy who wanted to play the piano with his penis. The guy said he had to go into another room to get himself going before he could play the Casio keyboard he was going to play.
Gary asked Howard what they wanted Dr. King to do with Bo the Lesbian. Howard said that maybe they could have her beg him to make love to her or something like that. She was apparently a good subject from what Howard heard.
Howard went around the room asking some people who they were. One of the guys was a guy who was supposed to feed Robin grapes while she drank Champagne but Howard told him to go sit in a corner, she had already done enough for the show today.
Howard asked Fred the Elephant Boy what he thought of 'Gina Girl. He seemed to be embarrassed so Howard asked 'Gina Girl if she wanted Fred. She wanted Fred to strip down but that wasn't going to happen.
Howard said they were going to bring Bo the Lesbian in the studio and when he rubs his ear, she's going to want him more and more. Howard told Gary to bring her in and they'd see what they could do. Howard started rubbing his ear and she started going nuts for him. She was asking him to stop rubbing it because it was driving her crazy. Howard said that Dr. King was amazing. He told her to come over to him so he could talk to her about something. She went over and sat down over by him. She told Howard she was attracted to him as he was rubbing his ear.
Howard continued to rub his ear and Bo sounded like she was going nuts from it. Dr. King came in and told Bo that she was going to see Howard's thing right up on the counter in front of her. She came back and looked at Howard's ear and then the counter. He told her to go ahead and touch it if she wanted. She said that Howard was the biggest man in the whole world.
Dr. King put Bo back under and told her to talk Chinese when she came out of it. He worked on her for a few seconds and brought her out of her sleep. Bo would just laugh when she started to speak so Dr. King put her under a few more times trying to get her to speak Chinese. It eventually worked and she tried speaking Chinese but she was laughing as she was doing it.
Dr. King had her telling Howard how to get to her house but it wasn't working all that well. Dr. King put her back under and told her that she was going to want to protect Howard from the rest of the girls in the room. She was going to keep all other women away from him. Howard let some of the other girls come over to him but Bo didn't want to let him go. She was holding on to his shirt and wouldn't let go. She wanted him to take his shirt off so that's what he did. Bo told him that she really wanted him now. Howard told Juliet and Diane to get Bo off of his lap but Bo really didn't want to leave because of that hypnosis. She didn't want to stop but Howard said that maybe it was time to stop. He asked Dr. King to take her out of the hypnosis. Dr. King joked that he was going to leave. He put Bo under and left her on Howard's lap for a short time as she was sleeping.
Dr. King woke Bo up and told her to lick Howard's face. She came out of it and did that. Dr. King put her back under and told her she would remember nothing of what had happened. Howard gave Dr. Marshall King a plug after that and said he had to take a break.
Howard had to take a picture with Dr. King before he left. Gary told Howard that their General Manager was threatening to put this to an end because the guests were out doing things that they shouldn't be doing. Howard wanted to know what they were doing but Gary didn't want to say.
Howard told Gary to bring in the guy who was going to play piano with his penis. He came in a short time later so Howard told him to go right ahead and do his thing. The guy started playing the Casio with his penis. He played some Christmas music and Howard said that they're going to hell for that. He told the guy to sit down after that and asked him if he had ever done that before. The guy said he never had. Howard said he was having a good time with this party today.
Bo the Lesbian told Howard how great she felt whenever he was rubbing his ear. She didn't want him to stop because it felt so good. She said she really wanted him bad when he was doing it. She said that she got angry when the other girls came over to him too.
Howard said that his general manager was upset with him because a couple of the guys were doing gay stuff in the men's room but he didn't think that was his fault. He said he shouldn't be mad at him for that.
Bo the Lesbian was telling Howard that she wasn't sure if her hypnosis was still working so he tried rubbing his ear. She said she could kind of feel it bit it wasn't as strong as it was before. Bo told Howard that when she saw his penis on the desk, it was much bigger than he claims it is. Howard didn't want to tell her that she didn't actually see anything on the desk, she was just hypnotized.
Bo said that Howard is looking really good to her now and he didn't look that good before. One of the guys handed Howard a condom and told him the stuff that was on it wasn't real man goo, it was just the stuff that's inside of it.
Howard took some phone calls and one guy told him that he stayed home from work this day just to hear the party. He said it was going to be hard to top this show. Howard said he wanted to hear another gay Christmas Carol so he was going to have the Gay Choir perform another one. The Gay Choir performed their own version of ''Winter Wonderland'' which was about gay stuff of course.
Howard wondered if they had missed anyone in the studio. Robin told him about the gay dancers that were in there but he never did get to them. He moved on and had the Belcher do some more belching for them. He didn't seem all that impressed though. Howard said Vinnie was looking at this guy like he was weird, meanwhile Vinnie ate a couple of crickets.
Howard ended up talking to Jerry for a short time and he was kind of drunk by that point so he was slurring his words and not making a lot of sense. Howard cut him off and got back to the Belching guy. The guy wanted Howard to play his Jingle Farts song but Howard told him they had already played it earlier in the morning and they weren't going to play it again.
Howard asked Fred if he knows what he's supposed to do. Fred said he knows he's supposed to ask the women what they want for Christmas. Howard figured that they'd all just run off as soon as they heard his voice. Gary asked many women if they would sit with Fred but they all blew him off and ran past.
Howard told Fred to get on mic and start asking people to sit with him. He had him doing Santa's ''Ho, ho, ho'' thing as he was asking people to sit with him and tell them what they want. Gary said there was a really hot blonde walking down the street so he handed Fred the mic and told him to ask her if she would talk to him. She ran right by.
Gary eventually found a woman, Lenore, to sit with Santa but as soon as Fred started talking, she laughed and said she would stand to talk to him. Fred asked her what she wanted for Christmas. She said she wanted her 3 year old son to have a wonderful year.
Howard said it was time to wrap up the show so Robin suggested they have the dancer guy do his thing as they were ending it. Howard had some music for him to dance to so he started doing that. Bo the Lesbian said she kind of liked this guy. Howard said he was a good looking guy and probably had no problem getting girls. The guy was dancing for Robin in her booth and was taking off everything. Robin said she had to tip him for doing this for her.
Howard said the guy was in Robin's lap and he was putting out more than the girls did earlier. Robin was laughing the whole time as the guy was doing his thing. Howard said Robin didn't have her headphones on so she couldn't hear him through the whole dance. Howard said the guy was much more aggressive than he thought he was going to be.
Robin said the guy had no fat on his body and Howard was ready to ask him for some work out advice since the place he was going to didn't seem to be helping him out. Gary came in and told Howard that management wants them to stop the party because someone had left lunch in the women's room. Howard said he's going to get in trouble for that. They assumed that it was 'Gina Girl who had puked in there. She denied it but the guys seemed to think that she was lying and actually did do it.
Howard said it's not his fault if someone can't hold their food down and management can't hold him responsible. He went through some of the stuff that they had done during the party today. He went through the whole list of people who they had spoken to already. Fred the Elephant Boy told Howard that he made a buck forty out on the street when people were throwing money at him.
Howard wished everyone happy holidays and then took some calls to make sure the fans were happy with what they had heard. One guy said he really liked 'Gina Girl. He took the day off from work just to hear the show. He asked Howard to describe 'Gina Girl since he didn't know what she looked like. Howard said she almost has no hair and looks kind of like Freddy from ''Nightmare on Elm Street.''
Howard took some more calls and asked a few more people what they thought about the party. One guy thought the hypnotist was great. Howard wrapped up the show a short time later and said they'd see everyone next year. The belcher did some belching of ''Silent Night'' as they were wrapping up the show.
Howard wanted to make one more call before he ended it. He wanted to call this woman who hates the show to find out what she thought of it. He tried calling once but didn't get through. He tried a second time but her answering machine picked up. Howard figured they'd call her next year instead. He wrapped up a short time later. The show was over by about 9:30am (Master Tape Theatre time).