| Monday | Tuesday |
|
|
| Wednesday | Thursday |
|
|
| Friday | |
|
|
Howard said he was going to start off talking about Ronnie bursting a vessel in his eye but he has to talk about a new phony phone call they made. He said that Robin inspires people every day with her wisdom and attitude. He said the guys called a spiritual internet show and she was a hit on the show. Howard played the call where they had clips of Robin talking to the hosts and giving them encouraging words. They had clips of Robin singing dirty songs that they played and that led to the hosts hanging up on her. They called back and played more of Robin cursing and the hosts hung up again.
Howard said that drove them to end the show and go gardening. He said they issued a statement saying that she is permanently banned from the show. Robin said she'll have to block her number next time.
Howard said Robin kicked off the show with her spread of joy. Robin said she knew when she asked to sing it was going to go down. Howard said he forgot about the vagina song. Robin said she remembers that and she was just doing a version of it. Howard said he loves her version.
Howard said they have a million of the clips of Robin's encouraging words. They played a bunch of them. Howard said he wants to go to the garden now.
Howard asked if she asked him to just give it to her. Ronnie said they were sitting around for a while. He said they went to bed and once they got in there it came on. Howard said they get into bed naked. Ronnie said she kind of jumped him this time. He said it got crazy. He said he was in this wacky position. He said it was missionary and he was up on his hands and his feet. He said he was doing a push up basically. He said they had a good time. He said he went into the bathroom and she noticed something was up with his eye. He said he had this big red spot in his eye. He said it's not the first time it's happened to him. He said this time he didn't know it happened though. He said she noticed it.
Howard said he was laying in bed last night and just watching TV. He said he had his left leg up and turned to the side and his hip ended up hurting. He said he's so out of it.
Howard asked if Ronnie has stopped caring about sun protection. Ronnie said he's just been outside by the pool. He said he uses protection. He said he uses 50 on his face. Howard said he's darker than Robin. He said he really is. He said he has to be careful. He said he's very fair skinned. Ronnie said he uses sunscreen. Howard said he has to be careful.
Howard said he can't even see his eye. Ronnie said it's all better now. He said it went away because it was like a week ago.
Ronnie said it takes Stephanie longer to get off when she's drunk so he was working hard that night. He said when he smokes weed he gets charged up. He said he gets a burst of energy. He said that may have had something to do with it.
Howard said the last time he smoked weed he got the same thing. Ronnie said things are so different now. He said you buy it in a dispensary and they give you the certain kind and it's great. He said he remembers smoking weed long ago and he got so paranoid from it. He said now he just laughs and has energy.
Howard said he went away with a group of people years ago and one of their friends gave him weed and he smoked it with Beth. He said she claims it was the best sex she ever had since or before. He said he was a wild man. He said he was really great and he has no recollection of it. He said he sat outside all night and got bitten by mosquitos. He said he has no memory of that either.
Howard asked Ronnie what he makes of this JD kissing Chris last week thing. Ronnie said he can't figure it out. He said he's not sure what's up with JD. He said he's not into it but he can't figure out why he did it. Howard asked JD if he wants to answer. JD said he was showing solidarity with Chris. He said Chris asked if he wanted to do it and he went along with it. He said gay people aren't getting a lot of love these days. He said that he wanted to show solidarity. Howard said he thinks JD is fluid. He said he thinks he's into girls but he wouldn't be opposed to a guy jerking him off or something.
Chris said it was weird. He said he put the note up and no one bit on it but then JD did. He said it he'd do it. He said that he would give him a peck. They had two different stories. Chris claimed JD came to him and JD said Chris came to him about it.
Howard asked if JD watched the Tonys last night. JD said he had to for work. Ronnie said he sent him a video from the Tony Awards of them singing Sweet Caroline. He said he wondered what was going on there. Howard said ever since the gay kiss he's been sending video to people. Robin said that it's rapid movement. She said now he's watching the Tonys. JD said he watches them every year for work.
Chris said he left with very good feelings about that. He said the right people were upset by it on the internet.
Howard said he saw an article online about how gay people have gotten shit on in history and things were getting better but then a lot of these right wing assholes got on the transgender kick. He said the transgender thing is like under 1 percent of the population. He said they're not really affecting your life but they're all worked up by this. He said they use it to take away trans and gay rights. He said that's what's going on here. He said it's all of this hysteria over Bud Light and all of that. He asked how really cares.
Howard said he's proud of JD and what he did. He said he's like the Rosa Parks of this generation. He asked Ronnie what he thinks about that explanation from JD. Ronnie said he's still trying to figure it all out. He said he thinks he may have spoken to the wrong person about it. He spoke to Blitt. Chris said Blitt thinks that he might be fluid.
Jon Blitt got on and said that he can see JD getting sexual pleasure from a man. Howard said he thinks JD would have been fine with Chris jerking him off. JD said he's not sure about that. Howard said he thinks that saying you don't know explains it all. Blitt said he's blushing now.
Howard said if it was dark and Chris fondled him he thinks he'd let him. JD said no he wouldn't. Blitt said no means yes here. Ronnie said they tried to get him in on the meeting when they talked about this but he refused to come in. Howard sang a song to JD about the fluid thing.
Chris said it was very tingly when he kissed him because of his beard. He said he liked it.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Tucker Carlson who was asking why JD kissed Chris Wilding if he's a straight man. He asked if someone slipped Bud Light into his drink. Howard spent a short time talking to fake Tucker.
Ronnie noticed a picture they were showing and it was a shot of JD trying it kiss Ronnie. Chris said Ronnie only takes fake dicks up his ass. Howard wrapped up and let the guys go after that.
Howard said she thinks of him as her little monster mongoloid. He said she has that story about the doctor telling her that he smiled like a mongoloid when he was born. He told that story in his mother's voice. He was doing impressions of both of his parents laughing about that story.
Howard said he can't stand the way he looks and then his mother backs that up. He said his wife thinks he's good looking but his own mom doesn't.
Howard said he has been getting goofed on his entire life. He said JD should be kissing him. He said that gay people have it good compared to him. He said it's so crazy. He said he was like ''What the fuck?'' when he heard that.
Howard said then she said ''Goodbye my gorgeous son!'' He said he was wondering if she was goofing on him. Robin said she is not the best communicator. Howard said he felt like he was at a roast of himself.
Robin said they just didn't know. Howard did more of his impression of his mom talking about how she thought she had morning sickness but it was just from looking at him. He had his parents talking about how they had nothing and all of those stories they used to tell him.
Robin said Howard is now saying it to himself. She said no one can give him a compliment. Howard said she's right.
Howard was making up stories about how they diapered his face accidentally once. He had his parents talking about how he looked like the Elephant Man. He said they had a million jokes about him. He said they were like Stiller and Mira. He said he has talked to Ben Stiller about his parents and how hard it was when they were out on the road. He said his parents stayed home and did their act with him at home.
Howard went into more stories as his parents. He had them telling jokes about him looking like the placenta when he came out. He made jokes about his nose and how he looked like a pelican when he came out.
Howard said lets get off of that topic now. He said maybe he'll forget. Robin said parents just get you here. She said that's their job. Howard said he knows what she's talking about now. He was still telling jokes about himself as his parents.
Howard said he's not sure who his mother was talking about saying he was handsome. He said he's so needy for a complement he was asking for a name.
Howard said they have a rabbit named Jessica and Beth is in love with it. He said she spends more time with that than she does with him. He said that she wants him to paint a picture of the rabbit so he's working on that. He said it's really cool. He said he's been working on it for weeks. He said he called her in to look at it but she said she'd look at it when it's done. He said he was so upset by that. He said he needs the praise from her. He said that he's like a needy little boy. He said his parents never told him he was good looking or anything like that. He said they never said anything encouraging. He said he just has to keep doing his thing. He said he's not sure what to do. He said even his shrink told him he has to just keep going. He said he told his shrink about his mother and how it felt like a gut punch.
Howard said his head was spinning and his psychiatrist told him what to do and he just said okay but he's not even sure what he said.
Howard said what are you going to do. He said he goes to the psychiatrist and he helps him. He said he knows his parents didn't get it all right. Robin said it's not his fault that they didn't know how to parent.
Howard said radio was good because he got a lot of praise from the fans. He said he was feeling pretty good about himself but then his mother dug deeper. He did more of his impression of her.
Howard asked JD if he'd make out with Andy Cohen when he's in this week. JD said he's not going to do that. He said he's pretty sure he's not his type. Howard said he's not sure who is his type.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he thinks that his mom thought she'd have a different life without him and if she thinks about that. Howard said he thinks his mom had broken dreams. He said she had a really horrible life. He said he can't think of anyone having a worse life than she did. He said she has filled him in on things that he didn't know. He said he may fill you in when she's no longer around. He said she had a father who was not a good person. He said his mother never had a mother and never had a toy. He said she was very uncared for and unloved. He said the woman his grandfather married was a good person. He said she finally was a mother to his mother and her sister. He said she had a child of her own and she took care of his mom. He said that his grandfather beat her up and they had to get a divorce so she was up shit creek again. He said his grandfather hated his father and mother being married because he lost the woman who was basically his maid. He said that his mother was very good to his grandfather when he was growing up. He said she made sure he had a good relationship with the guy. He said he sees that with a lot of people. He said they're good to their abuser. He said you wonder why they keep dealing with it. He said it's the only family they have apparently so they keep it going.
Howard said his father had it worse than she did. He said they used to tell their horror stories at the dinner table. He said that his father would one up his mother when they told their childhood stories.
Howard said he's really not sure who had it worse. He told stories going back and forth between his parents. He said if he complained about anything they told him to shut up. He said he got beat up in school and that was no big deal to them.
Howard was going back and forth with more stories between the two. He made it like a game show where they had to one up each other. They would go back and forth talking about just how awful their childhoods were.
Howard said it was just one horrible thing after another. It was endless. Robin said this just goes on and on. Robin said she sees people who are consumed with their past and they still have kids. She said they don't see that they're going to ruin their kids with that stuff.
Howard said he knows he's very needy and hungry. He said that's why he let Beth's comment go. He said he wanted her to see this painting but she didn't want to see it yet. He said he has to let it go. He said he's a mess. He said a lot of times they walk she's on the phone. He said she's doing the animal rescue thing. He said he wants her to talk to him. He said that he's that hungry little boy that needs praise. He said he's in touch with all of that. He said he feels how hungry he is. He said it's painful. He said it's not easy to deal with.
Howard answered a knock at the door and fake Liza Minelli was there talking about how handsome and attractive he is. She said she has a solution for him and she said he has to be on Broadway to make himself feel good. Howard said he tried to watch the Tonys last night and he got through 5 minutes of it. He said he knows she loves that but he isn't into it. Liza talked about her childhood and how normal that was for her. She said that she would sing all night with her mother. She sang some for Howard.
Howard asked Liza about the Tonys and what was big. Liza spent a minute talking about that with Howard. She told Howard about a play that won a Tony and went into a long explanation about what it was about.
Howard said he has a headache from her now. He closed the door on her. He said maybe he should take a break and get to some obituaries.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was watching the Arnold documentary this weekend and saw Ivan Reitman in it. He asked if there was any talk of giving Gary a bigger role in the movie. Howard said he had a big enough role. He said that the movie was his origin story so Gary wasn't really part of that. The caller said he was wondering if Gary was upset about his 9 seconds of screen time. Howard said Gary was happy to be in it. Gary said he really was. He said the fact that he got into it was amazing. Howard said he's not sure who came up with the idea for what Gary was doing but it was a good way to get him in it. He said he thinks that movie was brilliant. He said it really was. He said that the people who worked on that movie were great. He said they were real pros. He said he couldn't have trusted anyone but Betty Thomas to direct him. He said he would try some stuff and Betty would tell him if it was too much. He said that he trusted them to do it all. Robin said so many biopics are horrible. She said they're mundane and cookie cutter. She said this was a real movie.
Howard said Ivan Reitman was a great person. He said Arnold trusted him to do Twins. He said imagine putting him in a movie with Danny De Vito. He said that was brilliant.
Howard said Ivan was a great guy and he begged him to be part of the movie. He said what a great guy he was.
Howard said Arnold was great too. He said that Sylvester Stallone came out recently and talked about how he had an intense rivalry with Arnold and he didn't want to be in the same room with him. He said he said that it was just rivalry about being the best action hero. He said that he admits now that Arnold is the best action hero. He said that Sylvester is a great action hero himself. He said that he wrote Rocky. He said that's a whole other level. He said he was very gracious about Arnold though.
Howard said Arnold was in so many great movies. He said Total Recall was a fantastic movie. He said Commando, True Lies, Terminator and all of those movies. He said then he became governor of California. He said what a career he's had. Robin said he did comedies that were great too.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that what Beth did wasn't very cool. He said that she could have given him some encouragement. Howard said that she's living with a very needy child. He said it's exhausting being with him. Robin said she's always working on him. Ralph said he's wrong, she is a saint.
Howard said he and Beth can't get sick because his daughter's wedding is coming up soon. He said he can't miss that. He said Beth is going to be in the city doing stuff and she can't get sick. He said he doesn't do well on his own. He said that she's going to get out and get away from him for a little while. He said that he has some people who will be taking care of him while she's away. He said it's like having a dog sitter for him.
Howard said Ralph is coming in later in the week to do the final fitting for his tux for his wedding. He said John Varvatos is making his suit. He said that he's a big fan of his.
Howard said Beth bought a dress that was too sexy for the wedding. He said it showed too much cleavage and belly. He said he said no to that. He said that she got it. He said she knows what to do.
Howard said he has to look great in his suit. He said that they have to work quick on this thing. He said when he tries on clothes he just hates it. He said that he can't do it. He said he will do anything to get out of it. He said Ralph has this thing where he likes to tug on his shirt and touch the fabric. He said that he hates it. Ralph said Howard loves it. Howard said he thinks he sees other guys doing it so he does it. Howard asked what he has to do. Ralph said it should be all done and they're just going to leave it alone after this. He said if they have to do something they'll do it. He said he doesn't think they'll have to.
Howard said his daughter is having a wedding late at night and he told her that he may not be able to stay awake. He said she told him he better. He said he has to do it for her.
Howard said he heard from some people who think that Ralph was jealous of the JD and Chris thing. He said that he almost derailed the whole thing by pushing JD too hard. He said he thinks that Ralph wants Chris. Ralph said he doesn't want Chris and he doesn't think that JD is gay. He said that he doesn't think he's open to anything. Howard said he thinks JD might be open to it. He said Chris is a great guy but he's not going to kiss him.
Robin asked if it was a life or death situation would he kiss him. Howard said of course he would. He said he loves when Chris does the Dr. Now thing. He said he can't lose that.
Chris said there might be something to the jealous Ralph thing. He said he never thought about that before. He said he said something to him over the weekend. He said that he said one of the reasons he was upset with him was that he doesn't invite him over to watch movies at his house. Ralph hung up. Howard said Ralph just hung up. Chris said he didn't know he can't talk about that. He said he never invites him over and he never invites him either. He said he didn't know that he was that sensitive about that. Robin said they have a very strange relationship.
Chris said he didn't want to hurt Ralph in any way. He said he didn't know that it was an issue. Robin asked why they have conditions. Howard said that's a love relationship. Howard said Ralph did hang up. Robin said he always threatens to never talk to him again when he brings this stuff up. Howard said he's dumped him like 50 times. Chris said they have broken up a lot of times. He said it's more than the guys he dates.
Howard said he has to do some obituaries but he has to take a break. He did a live commercial read and went to break.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and said he thinks about Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots a lot. He said what a charismatic guy he was. He said he use to go to their concerts and they were a fabulous band. He said he'd go and think about how he had it all. He said he had it made and then destroyed his life with heroin. He said that he wrote this song based on that. He said he was told he wrote this song in 20 minutes. He said heroin addiction is like being an insect under a magnifying glass. He said that Scott was so brilliant that he thought that ''Life in the fast lane'' was actually ''flies in the Vasoline'' when he heard the Eagles sing that. He said that's how he got that line for the song. Howard said what a talented guy he was.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said her husband has a new suit today for work. She said that he looks handsome today. She said she went to Angela Muto's memorial service yesterday and it was wonderful. She said that Jim Gaffigan was the last one to speak to her. She said they played clips from the show and she played Jeff the Drunk's sister on the show. She said she was so happy being there.
Howard said Angela Muto was the woman who played Ronnie's Mom on the show. Howard said she was funny as fuck. He said she would come in dressed in a house coat and she died about a year ago. Mariann said it was about 6 months ago.
Howard played a clip of Ronnie's Mom calling into the show for the first time. She killed it that day. Howard said she's screaming ''cunt!'' in heaven now.
Mariann said she had a very busy weekend. Howard said he's not sure if he wants to hear about that. Mariann said that she was busy with High Pitch Erik and North Shore. Howard hung up on her. Howard said he knows all about that. He said he's trying not to put those two together.
Howard said there was an article from May 29th that he never got to. He said there were fans saying that people were claiming that the vote on American Idol was fixed. He said they have no evidence but they're making claims that the country singer was the real winner. He said they're bringing the guy back now. He said the whole country has gone insane.
Howard said the real winner should have been this girl whose name he can't remember. He said her name was Wé Ani. He said there are people who have had careers from the show but you have to go out and write songs yourself. He said there has to be a struggle there. Robin said there are people who make a living singing other people's songs. Howard said she's right. He said there was Linda Ronstadt and Whitney Houston. He said Elvis was a crook. He said the black man wrote those songs and he took them. He said he was a complete idiot too. He said Colonel Tom took 50 percent. He said he saw a clip from the movie and it was pretty funny. He said Colonel Tom was something.
Howard said he's not sure who would fix a vote on Idol. He said that's ridiculous. He said he's really pissed at this Ozempic drug. He said that it's helping people lose weight and it's not cool. He said he was able to lose weight on his own and never had to do that kind of thing. He said it pisses him off that Oprah is pin thin now. He said he was proud that he was able to control his appetite. He said his dad said there would never be a pill to help with weight loss. He said he was wrong. He said there is one now. He said it's crazy.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Trump who said he forgets about him. He said that this American Idol scandal is the real story in the news. He said forget about him. He said that Nancy Pelosi must be behind this American Idol thing. He said he'll probably get away with this and he'll probably win. He said he has done nothing wrong. Robin said he did have those documents in his house. Fake Trump said they're all out to get him. Howard let him go after that.
Howard had a montage of Pat Robertson saying a bunch of really crazy stuff. Howard said he would wait for a big tragedy and rub his hands together coming up with something to blame that stuff on. He said he would come up with really crazy views on the world. He said he would blame things on homosexuality. He played some clips of Robertson talking about what was wrong with pride month.
Howard did his impression of Robertson and had him blaming recent tragedies on JD and Chris kissing. He came up with a bunch of other wacky connections. He said JD and Chris kissed and that is why the skies over Manhattan turned red. Fake Pat was saying that JD and Chris can smooch in hell for all of eternity. He said the fires in Canada were started by gay men rubbing their penises together. He said the smoke was in the shape of a giant penis.
Howard said he will miss doing his impression of Pat. He said they called a religious show with clips of him as Pat. Howard played a clip from that call where the hosts were agreeing with his crazy thoughts as Pat Robertson.
Howard said he was a hit on that show. He did more of his impression and talked about all of that nonsense. He made up stuff like Pat would. He said a volcano erupting is like a gaping asshole leaking ass juice. He said that's God sending some kind of message.
Howard said Pat is gone and he's not sure what to think. He said he thinks his son has taken over. Robin said he tries to sound like his dad and pray like his dad. Howard did more of his impression of Pat making up insane stories.
Howard said he saw he died and he did a lot of end of days predictions. He said he has a montage of those. He played that clip and he was doing that as early as 1982. He was claiming the world would end all these years.
Howard said Sheik had a legit wrestling career. He said he was unbelievable. He said they made him a big star in the WWE. He said Vince McMahon helped do that. He said that he made Sheik the bad guy in the ring. He said he had some crazy music he'd walk into the ring to. He said it was almost like Metallica but with mid-Eastern influences.
Howard read some history about the Sheik's WWE career. He ended up getting arrested for drunk driving and he was let go from them but he returned a few times. He said he got addicted to drugs and he was very honest talking about that on the show. Howard played a clip of Sheik talking about his drug addiction when he was on the show once.
Howard said he was always yelling. He said even if it was a normal question he would yell. He said his normal voice was yelling. He said when he'd get made he'd go ballistic.
Howard said Sheik went viral in 2006 when Michael Richards used the N-word in his act. He said he posted a video message to Michael. He played some of that message where Sheik said he was going to fuck him in the ass and humble him.
Howard said Sheik picked fights with people on Twitter. He said he has some of those to read. He went through some of those tweets. He said he was mad at Justin Bieber for some reason. He read through some of those tweets.
Howard said what a fucking mind that guy had. He said Beetlejuice and Sheik shared a hotel room during a comedy show. He said that Beetlejuice doesn't know what he's doing. He played a clip of Sheik yelling about that. He was talking about how Beetlejuice shit the bed and the floor in that room.
Howard said he is the embodiment of the America Dream. He said they enjoyed him when he was on the show. He said he loved hiving him on the show but he threw a beer bottle at Will and he had to stop having him in. He said there are lines you can't cross.
Howard said the first time Pat got upset with him was when he put Sam Kinison as one of his favorite comedians. He said he said that Donald Trump was a great guest on the show too and Pat went off about that. He said he went completely bonkers over that. He said he was completely angry about that. He said that Pat thought he was the best guest. He said he really meant it too.
Howard said Pat had issues with his family and he would often go off on them on the show. He said most of his comedy was about his family and they hated him for it. He said he was estranged from his entire family because of that. He played a clip of Pat talking about how the family doesn't talk. He said they don't get along with each other. He didn't get along with his own kids or his own father.
Howard said Pat's mom called into the show once too. He played a clip of Pat and his mom yelling at each other.
Howard said needless to say the guy was a fantastic guest on the show. He said he put it all out there. He said he was always shot out of a canon. He said they had him on when they moved there. He played a clip of Pat talking to them and saying some crazy stuff.
Howard said he was always great on the show. He said he came up with the expression ''Bada Bing'' and making it popular. He said he was a great talent. He read some of his history. He said this is a clip from 1994 when Pat went off on him about feeling disrespected. Howard played the clip and Pat kept repeating himself when he was arguing with him. He said he was a genius of himself. He said he won't let them take his dignity from him. He said his parents tried to do that. He said don't put him in B-company. He said you have to be in A-company.
Howard said he'd ask him to be on and he would say stuff like that. He said he was on the show 52 times. He said toward the Pat thought that he had disrespected him in some way. He said you can't even say you like another comedian. He said rest in peace Pat. He said rest in peace Iron Sheik. He said Pat was 93. He said he lived a nice long life. He said he thanks him for being so entertaining on the show. He said he wasn't able to speak to him the past few years. Gary said he was very upset. He said that he did put him back on the map but you couldn't say that to him. He said Pat would freak out if you did. Howard said Pat did the same thing to Frank Sinatra.
Howard said there weren't any people that he didn't piss on who supported him. He said that Johnny Carson may have had some issues with him too. Gary said that Pat went off on Lola Falana and it was very funny. Howard said he thought it was funny when he attacked him. He said he just got so mad. Robin said things festered with him. She said he was working himself up over things when they didn't speak to him. She said then it would come out on the air. She said it was all in his head.
Howard said it got so bad that Pat stopped coming in. He said he was a great guest though. He said he was very upset with his whole family too. He said he tried to talk to him about that. He said he wanted to get him back together with his son and daughter. He said the court made him pay child support. He said the kids apparently sided with the mom and he cut them off. He said he told Pat that they were kids and they lived with their mom so they sided with her. He said they didn't know any better. He said Pat would yell at him for saying this but he thinks that anger destroyed him.
Howard said Gary said he thinks that Pat got upset with him for saying that he was better as an unscripted guest. He said he would go to a club and do his old humor but when he was on the show it was just talking. Robin said they were hearing him just talk on the show and they would go to see him in the clubs and he was doing a routine. Howard said he was funny as fuck as a guest. He said rest in peace to Pat and Sheik. He said Pat Robertson he has issues with so he won't say that. Howard played a montage of the three dead guys put to the tune of some music.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was a big fan of Pat Cooper on the show. He said he's a cop and they were listening one morning and they didn't want to get out of the car because Pat was on the show. He said they ended up picking up a guy and they had him in the car arguing with this woman who called in the report. He said all four of them were in the car listening to Pat. He said that the guy said you white people are crazy after hearing that Pat Cooper stuff. He said Pat was a good teaching tool that day. Howard said thinks to Pat for what he did on the show. He said he was a great guest.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said he loved Pat on the show. He said that there was always a battle on the show when he was on. He brought up a show where a caller said that Pat was bad mouthing him at the post office. He said Pat got upset that he took that guy's word for it. Howard said that's right. He remembered that. He said anything would set Pat off.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it was crazy how many deaths there were last week. He said that he thinks he's right about Pat Robertson and how there's not a lot of good things to say about him. Howard said what he did is the worst kind of thing. He said they take money from people claiming that natural disasters are caused by gay people.
Howard said he has a game to play. He asked who had more words in their obituary. Robin said she'll say Pat Robertson. Howard said she's right. He asked who got the most out of Pat Cooper and Iron Sheik. Howard said it was very close. He read off the numbers and they were very close in the number of words.
Howard asked Fred how he's doing. Fred said rest in peace Pat Cooper. Fred said you'd think that he'd have a heart attack from what he did. He said whatever he did in his life is what they should study because he lived that long with all of that anger. Howard said they do say that if you get your anger out then you will live longer. He said he did live to 93.
Howard said he has to say that Pat walked everywhere in Manhattan. He said he always walked and he wore that Member's Only jacket. He said they say that the more you walk the longer you'll live.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had a great line about Pat saying that he could argue with his breakfast. Howard said that's what made him so great.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he ran into the Iron Sheik about 10 years ago and he was drinking. He said he ended up getting a signed picture from him and he charged him $5. Howard said that's great.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she met Pat Cooper at a charity event and she told him she remembered his album and he cursed her out because she was talking about his old material. She said he had a psychological problem. Howard said that's great. He said that's Pat. He said you compliment him and he's angry about it.
Howard said he liked that Pat liked them. He said his parents liked that because he was their generation. Robin said it was great because that's the guy they used to see.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that story about his mom saying he was ugly was rough. Howard said she didn't say he was ugly but she didn't think he was handsome. He said his mom has to take him down a few notches apparently. He said she wasn't able to keep that one to herself. The caller asked if he would like it more if he grew up to be an amazing guitarist and not have that love. Howard said he'd like to have that love. He said he would have loved that.
The caller said that he's thinking that Howard and Beth are a very fuckable couple. They went through some couples like the Clooney's and the Addams Family. Howard said Morticia was very hot. The caller threw out some other couples that he had on this list. Howard thanked him for the call.
Howard played a montage of song parodies with Iron Sheik yelling ''Fuck you!'' in. They had some other sayings that they put to music too.
Howard said he cut off the song there. JD said you may not even understand what he was saying in the song. Howard said he didn't know you could get that much for horse cum. He said a million bucks is great. Robin said that they do that with horses who win races. She said they just make them make semen when they retire.
Howard said he would have told that guy to get a job at McDonald's if he was just making 4 bucks an hour jerking off a horse. He said he'd like to know how many you have to jerk off to get a gallon of cum. Robin said they do make a lot. Howard said he has the answer. He said a gallon is about 75 loads. He said he'd have to jerk off about 75 horses to get that million.
Howard said they were shocked that it worked. He said that is pretty cool. He said it is a big accomplishment.
Howard said this guy Chris Licht was the head of CNN for a year and he got fired. He said he's met this guy. He said he used to go to radio stations and the Program Director would tell him what to do. He said that he knew what he was doing though. He said that this guy Chris went to CNN and he was trying to do something there. He said he came up with the idea to hear liberal voices and conservative voices. He said he wanted to reinvent CNN. He said the people watching CNN didn't want to hear that stuff. He said they didn't want to hear the crazy thoughts from Donald Trump. He said you have to go all in on one side or the other or go all in on being a real news outlet.
Howard said his point is that Chris was working for Joe Scarborough for a while. He said he had a brain aneurysm from working so hard there. He said that he wonders why Gary hasn't had one from working for him. He said he could use that. He said everyone there is healthy as a horse.
Howard said Chris worked for Joe and then went to Stephen Colbert and that's where he met him. He said he was there on the show with Stephen. He said he was doing great at Colbert. He said he got a lot of credit for Colbert's show. He said he did a great job with his show. He said when CNN offered him the job Joe and Stephen sat him down and asked him what he was doing. He said they wondered why he would leave that good job to do something like that. He said sometimes you have to say no.
Howard said he was offered his own television network. He said he's never talked about this before. Robin said she doesn't know this story. Howard said this would have been his own network of comedy. He said it would have netted him billions if it was successful. He said he thought about it and said no. He said he said no because he knows his lane. He said he knows nothing about running a network. He said people couldn't believe it.
Howard said he has another story. He said he was offered to be head of Playboy. He said they wanted him to move into the Playboy mansion and be the new Hugh Hefner. He said he said no to that too. He said he wasn't comfortable with it first of all. He said he knows his lane though. He said Joe and Stephen told Chris not to go to CNN. He said he was on a roll. He said he had it made.
Howard said his point is that someone should lock him up. He said you really should know your lane. He said Chris was doing a good job with Colbert. He said he should have stuck with that job. Robin said he convinced people that he had some plan. Howard said he was very good at explaining to his personal trainer what he wanted to do there at CNN. He said he wasn't very good at explaining that to his staff.
Jason said that what he read is that he didn't explain his plan for CNN but he did explain it to his personal trainer. Gary said they insinuated that his personal trainer was sick of talking about CNN with him.
Robin said the debacle of the Trump town hall was devastating. She said that he came off the set and said it wasn't boring after it aired.
Howard said he was offered his own talk show on CNN. He said he does enough talking though.
Howard said he's sure Chris is a talented guy. He said they say that he spent a holiday party reading articles about himself. He said he can't imagine that. Robin said this reporter for The Atlantic saw it all because he was given full access. Howard said he would never allow that. He said you have to orchestrate it all. He said he'd come up with things to do if he was picking up a reporter. He said with Stone Phillips he did this thing where Gary came in and told him he had a kid there and he helped the kid walk. He said Stone was pissed. He said they ended up leaving. He said Stone was so angry. Gary said he thinks they were very unamused. Howard said can you imagine that. He said he prayed for a kid in a wheelchair and got him to walk. Gary said Stone was so irritated by that whole thing. Howard said that dude was a serious dude. He said he gave him a good interview.
Howard said Rolling Stone wanted to send a guy to live with him for 3 days. He said no way to that. He said he'd fuck up in those 3 days and they'd write about it. He said the guy did get in his car and he was listening to a black station on AM radio. He said that he drove his shitty Valiant to make them see he was a man of the people. He said the guy got in the car and didn't even notice the station he was listening to. He said he never got it in the article.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said he can tell you what went wrong with CNN. He talked about the things they did over there when Chris took over and how awful it was to him. He said it was moving shows around and then the Trump town Hall. He said Chris didn't know what he was doing.
Howard said it was actually a woman who was sick and not dying that he had in the wheelchair for Stone Phillips. He went through that story again. Gary said she had a huge oxygen tank on her and Howard put his hands on her head and Stone was so irritated by it.
Howard said maybe Colbert will take Chris back. He said that would be nice. He said they must pay them a fortune when they fire them. He said he may have a golden parachute. Howard said he's available to run CNN for a year if they want. Robin said he wasn't even there a year. Gary said he was there 13 months. Howard said Chris was good on the air when they had him on. Gary said he was on the air with Colbert. He said he told the whole story about his aneurysm.
Howard said there was a guy in Boston who had a really deep voice. He said his name was George Taylor Morris. He said he wanted a voice like that but he had that really bad delivery back then.
Howard said he has some audio of Earle. He played that and pointed out some of the things he does when he speaks. He said he'd try to do that too but it didn't come out.
Howard said Earle still works for SiriusXM. He said Jim Kerr had a nice deep voice too. He said all of these guys sounded so professional. He said his dad would point that out to him. He said he made sure he knew that he didn't sound professional. He said he had a shitty voice. Howard did his impression of his dad again telling him how bad he was on the air.
Howard said he has a friend who said he was getting bear spray to protect himself because things are so crazy out there. He said he suggested a gun but the guy said he doesn't know what he's doing with a gun. He said he doesn't know what he's doing with bear spray either.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who was going off on the news and how no one is out there in the middle. She said that they're one side or the other. Howard said just read the NY Times. He said that's the best source of information out there. He said it's the greatest newspaper there ever was. He said they had an article in there about washing your hair every day. He said they try to uncover the facts in their articles. He said there are some people who say that they're biased. Robin said they have apologized for not investigating Trump before he became president.
Howard said until the 1980s they said that homosexuality was a psychological thing. Mariann said that the NY Times is very complicated for her. She said she can't read it. Howard said he's not that bright and he understands it. He said he understands he doesn't have to wash his hair every day. Mariann said she never washed it every day. Howard said enough about the hair. He hung up on her.
Howard said you have to have opinion shows. He said that's why they have them on MSNBC, FOX News and CNN. He said he enjoys those kind of shows. He said he watches a bunch of them. He said that you have to have that. He said no one is going to watch the straight news for 24 hours. He said you have to have a point of view.
Howard said the NY Times is written for a 10th grade reading level. He said it's not that complicated. He said watch whatever you want. He said he has ordered his staff to write at a third grade level. He said no one has had any trouble following this show. He said they write at a third grade level and broadcast in a first grade level.
Howard spent a little time talking about the song he did with the middle eastern influence and how hard that looked to perform.
Howard said they got a lot of feedback about Chris and JD kissing and the Tan Mom couch photo. He said people were really blown away by that photo. He read some feedback about the photo.
Howard read some feedback about the wildfires in Canada last week. Howard said he was reading about the fires and how they're saying with the drying conditions lightning can start these fires. He said most of them are started by assholes who go into the woods and do dumb shit. He said they never get charged for any of this stuff. He said they tell you not to hunt because the spark from the gun can cause a forest fire.
Howard said Sal was wearing a mask out in Manhattan. He said this is Sal with his mask on and he pulls it down to vape. He said it's the craziest thing. He wanted to play it for Robin. He said you have to see this. He said you can go to HowardStern.com to see the video.
Howard said the vape is probably worse for Sal's lungs than the wildfire smoke. Howard played the video for Robin and Robin said he's so ridiculous. She said he doesn't care about his lungs.
Howard read more fan feedback about the smoke and said that Bigfoot lives up in Vermont. He said he left Wolfie a voicemail warning him about the smoke. He played the clip of Bigfoot telling him how bad it was up there. He told him to enjoy the smog.
Howard said he loves that ''It is'' that he says. He wondered where that came from. Robin said she loves it too.
Howard said Wolfie got an update from Bigfoot up there. He played the clip where Bigfoot said he keeps coughing for no reason. Wolfie asked him if he can go over the border up there. Bigfoot said they won't let him. He said he did something up there and they banned him from going into Canada. Wolfie asked what he'll do it the fire gets close to him up there. Bigfoot said he'll take a bucket and put it out.
Howard said he's trying to think of a career for Bigfoot. He said he might be able to jerk off horses for $4 an hour. He said he's sure something would go wrong.
Howard said Wolfie did a good job there. He said he should call Bigfoot for every news story. He told Wolfie he did a good job there.
Wolfie said Bigfoot calls hi about anything in the news. He said he thinks he doesn't watch the news apparently. He said it's always urgent. Howard said he's a good man. He said he likes it. Robin said maybe they should have the Bigfoot News. Howard said absolutely. He said he can be a scabies infested Dan Rather. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:25am.
Howard said you talk about jealous. He said what a gig that is. He said he didn't have the looks or voice for that kind of job. He said that game is basically hangman.
Howard said they're saying that Pat's daughter is in the running for that job or Ryan Seacrest. Howard said like there's no one else for that job. He said he's perfect for it. He said he over annunciates and he's an announcer. Robin said he has that smile too. Howard said he does.
Howard had a clip of Pat moments from Wheel of Fortune. He had one where a woman got ''Bridal and cold Shower'' wrong when she said ''gold shower.''
Howard did his DJ voice and did some announcing as the host of Wheel of Fortune. He said there was a time when they gave Pat a talk show against Johnny Carson. He said it was so bad. He said someone thought Pat would be funny. He played a clip where he made a lame jokes that people were chuckling at.
Howard said Pat didn't like him. He said he went on Wheel to promote his movie and Pat didn't show up. He said Vanna was there but not Pat. He said what a way to promote his movie. He said he wasn't going to turn down that chance. He said he was promoting Private Parts back then. He played a clip from that appearance.
Howard said he figured that people would see the movie if he went on the show. He said Vanna said he was a nice guy so the audience might go see the movie. Robin said he might have a chance. Howard said they get over 26 million viewers a week for that show.
In the clip from 1997 Howard said Vanna was carrying his baby. He said that was his big announcement.
Howard said she got an abortion by the way. He said as soon as she realized it was his. Howard said Vanna isn't walking away from that job. He had fake Vanna on the phone to answer that question. Fake Vanna sounded like Chris Wilding doing his Blue Iris impression. Howard let her go pretty quick.
Howard said Vanna is 66 years old and Pat is 76. He said he would go out on that show dying. He said he's not sure why he's giving it up.
Howard said the guys were wondering if that job or Jeopardy was harder. He said they say they shoot more episodes in one day for Jeopardy. He said they shoot Wheel more spread out.
Howard said he was given a contract to host a game show. He said he backed out at the last minute. He said one of the conditions was that they had to knock out the whole season in 3 weeks. He said he had no idea they could do that. He said they had to do a bunch in a row but they could get it all done that quickly. He said he was all set to do it and he backed out. He said he won't say which one it is. He said that he turned it down ultimately. He said he had just come off of America's Got Talent and he was so done with network television. He said he didn't want to miss another summer doing that. He said his wife said it would be the worst 3 weeks of her life if he did that.
Jon Hein told Howard how the schedule works for Wheel of Fortune. He said they go on location to do shows but they work that out to be a vacation for themselves. Howard said what a gig that would be.
Howard did his hosting voice again and played Wheel with Jon Hein and Robin. He played some audio from Wheel of Fortune where people messed up and Pat had to tell them they were wrong.
Howard said Pat has that announcer voice. He did his impression of him correcting the person who got the answer wrong by adding the letter A at the start of her answer when it didn't belong there.
Howard said Merv would turn over in his grave if they handed that job to him. He said he's not sure that he would think he was a good game show host.
Howard said Pat had a late night show for 3 and a half months. He said he was happy. He said he's bitter and angry and he wants to think that it takes some talent to do a show like that. He said people said he was funny on Wheel but he's not. He said he should just say in his lane and be a game show host.
Howard said Pat was being paid $15 million a year for that gig as of 2016. He said he's thinking about someone fixing some part of someone's car in a gas station being more important than Pat Sajak. He said 15 million is crazy.
Howard did more of his host voice. Robin said Pat will be there one more year so they have time to say goodbye. Howard was still doing the hosting voice and having the contestant spin and guess at the answer.
Howard said Ryan Seacrest would be good at that job. He said he annunciates his words like that. He did his impression of Ryan doing that in his American Idol voice. Howard said his head spins every time he does that. He said they watch that show and hear it every time. He said his wife loves the way he does that voice. Jon said he is perfect for Wheel. He said he could do the quick interview and all of that. Howard said he won't offend anyone. He said girls like him.
Howard played a clip of Ryan doing his Idol announcing. He answered a knock at the door and it was fake Joe Pesci who was doing his hosting audition for the show. He was cursing a lot. Howard said he would be a good host. He said he'd love to see that. Joe kept cursing up a storm as the host.
Howard said he thinks Joe is throwing his name out there to be the host. Joe said he's the obvious choice too. Robin said she'd watch if he was hosting. Howard let Joe go a short time later.
Robin asked if Jon thinks they're going to do the possible hosts thing on that show. Howard said he thinks they'll go right to Ryan. Jon said he thinks they'll do a farewell tour and they'll try different people but they may just give it to Seacrest or Pat's daughter Maggie. Howard said there's no way they'll give it to her. Robin said you never know. Howard said he has seen her on the show. He said he isn't saying anything negative but he thinks they'll go with Seacrest.
Howard said Jeopardy hasn't picked one host yet. He said that Ken Jennings and Mayim Bialik were both hosting. Robin said Mayim is stoping though. Jon said it's Ken and that's what he's been saying.
Howard said he thinks they should give the job to Dylan Mulvaney. He said he'd love to see her piss everyone off so much that they all stop watching the show. He said she pissed everyone off with the beer thing. He said he'd love to see redneck heads explode over that. Robin said TVs would be flying out windows. Howard said Kid Rock would be crying.
Howard said people care. He said they can't drink that beer. He said give me a break. He did his redneck voice and talked about Dylan hosting the show. Howard said Kid Rock would start shooting vowels. He said it's a big problem when transgender starts drinking their beer. He said Dylan could turn over letters with her cock. He said it would be awesome.
Howard said Ryan looks like he's up for the job. He said that's what they're saying out there. Robin asked if Ryan has said anything. Jon said he read that he threw his name into the ring reportedly. Howard said his eyeball popped out over the work he was doing. He said it might be worth it to host Wheel of Fortune though. He said he'll make millions.
Howard said he has to hand it to Ryan. He said he's the only guy who can host. He said he's taken more jobs from Americans than illegal immigrants have. He said he has the opposite career of his. He said that he had a strategy to go to the worst radio stations on the planet. He said he had to build up their audience. He said Ryan goes into hit shows and doesn't worry about the ratings. He said he would be filled with fear if he had to take over Wheel of Fortune. He said you can't fuck that franchise up.
Jon said he just thinks about Brian Dunkelman. Howard said you can't think about that. He said that he thinks about Chris Booker. He said he thinks he could do a job like that.
Howard said this is Pat Sajak on his talk show. He played his monologue. He had some funny stuff in there according to Howard. He said they went a little heavy on the applause though. He said enough with Pat Sajak. He said go enjoy your retirement. He said he could be the guy. Howard said he's waiting for Joker's Wild. He said that's a poor man's Wheel of Fortune.
Howard asked Gary if he's watching the game every night. Gary said he does but not the whole game. He said he watches the Mets almost every night. Robin said they have new rules to make the game go faster. Gary said he likes the rules. He said the games are a half an hour shorter. Howard said he can't watch because of the long games. He said it's such an investment in time. He said his dad was watching a lot of baseball in his retirement. He said he had the hours to do that. He said he wouldn't take up Golf because of that time. He said it's too much.
Howard said his father used to tell him that you have to develop a good farm team. Gary said you can buy a team now. He said that was before free agency.
Howard had Gary tell the story about auditioning for Joker's Wild. Gary said he went in and answered all of the questions. He said he did well doing that. He said he did an audition speech and a friend he had knew someone there and they told him that they had ''Too Ethnic'' on his audition. Howard said Gary has been mistaken for a Chilean miner. Gary said he has been called names too and he isn't sure what they think he is.
Howard said he didn't know what Gary was when he hired him. Gary said he did ask him on his first day what he was. Howard said he really isn't sure what he would go with if he had to guess. He said he is Italian but no one thinks he's Italian. He said they call him ''too ethnic.''
Howard asked Gary if he had any issues after 9/11. Gary said he had some issues but Sal had more than him. Sal got on and said he had a problem every time when he went to the airport. He said they asked him to step aside every time. He said he did a comedy show with the Iron Sheik and Sheik got through security but they stopped him. He said every time that happened. Howard said he must look middle eastern. Sal said they gave him a free coffee at Dunkin Donuts because the guy thought he was Indian. He said he told him he was Italian and he was paying for that coffee.
Gary said when he moved into Manhattan he went into a Bodega and the guy was speaking to him in Spanish thinking he was Spanish.
Richard got on and said that he used to travel with Sal and they would pull him aside every time and he laughed. He said he knew it was coming. He said it took like 10 minutes for him to teak his makeup out and put it away. Sal said he didn't have make up. He said his father would tape money to his balls to hide it from his mom. He said they pulled him aside to strip search him in the airport.
Howard said it must be tough to be mistaken like that all the time. Sal said it's been that way his whole life. He said he gets mistaken for all kinds of ethnicities.
Howard said they went on the street and asked people what ethnicity they thought Gary was. He played a clip and people were saying he was middle eastern, Algerian, Puerto Rican, Indian, African American, Dominican and more. Robin said everything but white. Richard said his name and his looks confuse people.
Howard said if Gary went to prison no one would know what group they'd put him in. Gary said maybe he'd be left alone. Howard said maybe he'd get beaten up by everyone.
Howard said thanks to the boys. Sal asked if Gary has taken a DNA test. Gary said he has. He said one said he was 11 percent Safardic. He said that he had some African in him too. Sal said he took a test and he was 30 percent Middle Eastern and 7 percent Jewish. Howard asked how they test for being Jewish. He said that place doesn't work right and only Sal could get that wrong. Howard said he took a test and he was found to be 20 percent Catholic.
Howard asked Trump about the charges against him and what he's going to do. Trump said it's all a hoax. He said he's not concerned. He said when he's president he's going after Biden and locking him up. He said he wants to put him away but he was nothing but sweet to him. Howard said he thinks he wrote him a note when he left the White House. Fake Trump said that he wished him luck and it was the nicest note. He said it was so sweet. He said he wrote it himself in Crayon.
Howard asked Trump about what will happen today and what he's going to do if he goes to prison. Trump said he has no worries and he's not even sure what he's being charged with. He said they're looking into all of their options but they may do an armed rebellion. He said he wants every fatso in Walmart to pick up their weapons and go to war.
Howard said he's going to be a little critical here. He said he saw Chris Christie got into the race and he was making fun of his weight. He said that Trump is pretty hefty too so he can't be doing that. Trump went off on Chris and called him names based on his weight. Howard said that's a cheap shot. He said he's kind of fat himself. Trump kept going with the insults.
Howard and Trump talked about today's arraignment and what's going on with that. Trump said they're going to make him wear a jump suit today. Howard said he has to get up and just say he's not guilty. Trump said he fired all of his lawyers today. He said he's going to go in there and defend himself. He said then the Walmart people will come in with their mops.
Howard answered another knock at the door and it was fake Obama who said this is bullshit and it pisses him off. He had a name for Chris Christie. He said we're all sick of Trump. He said America voted for this fucktard. He said he has a dead coyote on his head and he's running for president again. He said good fucking luck. Howard let the two of them riff for a couple of minutes.
Howard wrapped up with the guys and closed the fake door on them. He said that was awesome.
Howard said that's some song. He said it gives him the chills. He said he was talking to his niece, who is 19, about new music. He said he asked her for something to listen to. He said she said that he'd love $uicideboy$. He said she loves the band. He said he checked them out. He said he's not sure what they are. He said that he has turned into his parents. He said you shouldn't be into what kids are into. He said that these guys came out and they had face tattoos and stuff. He said they were covering their faces and yelling a lot. The guys played some $uicideboy$ for Howard. Howard said this sounds pretty good.
Howard said that was pretty good actually. He said it's different than what he was watching. He said he may have to give them another chance.
Howard said he has a lot of things to get to today. He said he has a Sour Shoes update and a bunch of other things. He said Chris went on a date in Miami and he has an update for that. He said that Miami is a gay Mecca and he went on a date and one of the guys was following him around. He said he was going to play his new song Peloton Girl but he may hold off until tomorrow. He said he's pissed at Peloton. He said he told the story about the recalled seat. He said he thinks they were angry at him for bad mouthing them. He said he has to wait 2 months for a seat. He said it reminds him of when the Ford Pinto exploded and someone pointed it out. He said that he'd expect them to get him a new car or some other car. He said that happened to him when he bought an X-Car. He said he paid 8 grand for that and they had a problem with the brakes and it did some other stuff too. He said he was livid over that. He said he was selling Pelotons for them and they weren't even advertising. He said that he's having second thoughts about releasing his song about them. He said he's not sure if he should even release it. Howard said he may play the song but not today.
Howard took a call from a woman who asked how he's doing. Howard said today is going to be tough because Beth is leaving him for the day. He said he hates being left alone. He said that she asked him to do some cat feeding today. He said he had to feed the cats but he had to go to work. He said he asked her not to leave. He said asking him to do anything is taxing. He said he doesn't want to do anything extra. He said he gets all cranky.
The caller asked about the Peloton and why he doesn't get a new one. Howard said he doesn't need that. She said it's an upgrade though. Howard asked who cares. He said he ash a bike already. He said they're a couple of grand and he already bought it. The caller said have them exchange it for him. Howard said everyone assumes he just wants to spend money. He said he spent so much on the TVs and stereo equipment in his house. He asked what's up with that. He asked if Robin's stuff works. Robin said it does. Howard said their stuff doesn't work.
Howard said they had his brother in law and some other family there and their rooms they gave up. He said they got the TV on but couldn't figure out how to work it all. He said they just gave up. He said he spent so much money on this system and it doesn't work. He said he pays a lot of people but they don't like to bother them when they have problems. He said he gets so worked up and embarrassed by the whole thing. He said his brother in law is so nice that he just says they read books instead. He said he gets pissed that this stuff doesn't work. He said everything upsets him. He said it drives him crazy. He said you call the guy who installed it and he says it all worked when they put it in.
Howard said he has a house that's like an Amish house. He said they read by fire light instead of watching television. He said when you come to Howard Stern's house you want to watch TV but then you get there and can't watch TV. He said it's like they're encouraging people to just listen to radio.
Howard said Beth gets crazy over it too. He said she tells him that the TV didn't work and he's in the computer business. He said that even he wasn't able to figure it out. He said it's embarrassing.
Howard said no one seems too concerned about it. He said he gives up. He said he used to call and complain but no one does anything so he doesn't even bother now. He said he used to be nasty. He said that doesn't help. He said it takes all of his energy to be nasty. He said he can't do that now. He said he hired someone to yell at the people who do that stuff and even that guy stopped yelling at them. He said something is wrong. He said he's okay though because he's near the end. He said that his brother in law didn't get to watch TV so he had to read. He said that's good for you. He said he convinced him that was a healthy thing. He said he came there to relax so he didn't have TV to distract him.
Howard said Ronnie used to fuck and drive his car. He said now he's retired so he just fucks. He said he blew out his eyeball from fucking. He said what a maniac. He said that's his one passion. He said a lot of people wrote him about that. He read through some of the feedback about Ronnie's eye story. He blew it out while fucking Stephanie. Howard read the feedback and that led to Fred doing his Ronnie impression and talking about his constant fucking.
Howard said Ronnie has some tan going. He said he's almost Tan Mom. Ronnie said he thinks it's the camera. He said it's not that tan. Howard said that Robin isn't read so it can't be the camera. He said he's bright red and it can't be the camera.
Howard read more feedback about Ronnie and Stephanie. He said that people are concerned about her. He had some feedback about a guy who came so hard that he went blind from a burst blood vessel in his eye. Robin asked if Ronnie has high blood pressure. Ronnie said not at all. Howard said he doesn't go to the doctor. Ronnie said yes he does.
Howard said Ronnie reached out to Robin and he hasn't heard from her. Ronnie said that's not true. He said that fucking Blitt. He said he turns everything around. He said Robin wrote back to him and he's fine. He said it's all good. He said he didn't get to talk to her but he understands.
Jon Blitt got on and said Ronnie is changing his story. Ronnie said he told Blitt that when he reaches out to Robin it can take weeks or her to respond and she did respond. Howard said he spoke to her like once a day during the break. Ronnie said that's him. Robin said she felt bad not responding when she didn't. Blitt said he hasn't gotten one call back. Robin said she hasn't gotten a call from him at all.
Howard asked what they talk about when Robin talks to Ronnie. Robin said they have good conversations. She said they have a lot to talk about. Howard said please record those conversations. Robin said they're great. Howard asked Ronnie to watch that tan. He said he's worried about him.
Howard said he did mention how he hates Ozempic. He said that the doesn't like this magic pill thing to lose weight. He said he prides himself on being able to keep his weight down and being disciplined. He said now it's all out the window. Robin said a lot of diseases are lifestyle. She said that if you could get that under control you could not take pills but people choose to take pills. Robin said they're all taking risks.
Howard said he doesn't even want a cure for baldness. He said he has all his hair. He said he does not dye it. He said he still has dark hair at his age. He said that's his claim to fame. He said he still has hair on his head at his age and that's the one thing he has. He said a cure for baldness isn't good. He said imagine there's a cure for ugly. He asked how Brad Pitt would feel about that.
Howard said he's got hair and he's thin. He said now they have Ozempic. Robin said they say that Obesity changes your brain and you forget that you ate food. She said that your brain needs help. Howard said no, sorry. Howard said he's afraid they're going to invent a pill that makes your feet beautiful. He said he has nice feet and he likes showing them off. He said he has had guy's wives tell him he has beautiful feet. He said he was blessed with pretty feet. He said everything on him is ugly but his feet. He said what a life. He said everything between his hair and feet is ugly. He said it's unbelievable.
Howard said he would trade his feet for ugly feet to have any beauty. He said that everyone in show business was enamored with what he did and everyone has radio shows now. He said they all interview each other. He said he's not sure what he wasted his whole life doing this for. Robin said the late night guys just go on each other's podcasts now.
Robin said she hates when she reads that someone said something on a podcast. She said she hates reading that Obama said something on Marc Maron's podcast. She said she loves Marc but come on.
Howard said this singer Meghan Trainor has a podcast and she was talking about how big her husband's cock is. He said they used to have to come on his show to talk about stuff like that. Howard played a clip from her podcast where she was talking about just how big it is.
Howard said he's not sure that should be talked about on radio. He said they better not invent a cure for baldness. He said he's retiring if they do that.
Robin said she heard that Chelsea Handler had a threesome with Ted Harbert and a woman and she ended up going to the woman more and that led to their breaking up. Howard said he might have to listen to that podcast. He said it's unbelievable. He said he didn't know Ted was into threesomes. He said that's embarrassing when the woman takes off with the other woman though. Robin said Chelsea was saying she had never spoken about that before.
Howard said what a nightmare. He said that's progress. He asked what you're going to do.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this Ozempic stuff is one thing but people are using ADHD meds for weight loss. He said kids need it and there's a shortage in the country now. He said people could lose weight if they just cut back on food but they take these meds instead. Howard said he's hoping for long term effects. He said that he starves himself so he doesn't want people doing it the easy way. He said he hopes the drugs are fucking people up. Robin said the guy is right about the shortage. She said it's being prescribed for other things.
Robin said being a doctor used to be a noble thing but now they have little stands where they hand out meds.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Dr. Now who said you have to do the work to lose weight. He said that he's been saying that for years. He said now Ozempic is going to take his job.
Howard said he saw Erika Jayne who is on Real Housewives and she's thin from using the Ozempic stuff. He said she admits it too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they're right about the Ozempic thing. He said he's like Howard at 6'5'' and 180 pounds and he works out like crazy. He said he has to skimp on meals and throw half of it out. He said his buddy's wife is like 5'4'' and 240 pounds. He said she put off getting the vaccine but she heard about Ozempic and went right to it. He said that he just beat cancer and this woman is saying she needs a kick start to get into it. He said they show that this stuff can cause caner in lab rats. He said she doesn't care about that but she did care about the vaccine. Robin said they should have said the vaccine makes you lose weight and everyone would have taken it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she had gastric bypass and she lost 130 ponds in 10 months. She said she has kept it off pretty much since then. She said she had gone on Ozempic and it is like a tool. She said that obesity is an illness and this is a tool to help. Howard said his whole thing is that he is able to stay thin by working hard at it. He said now everyone is walking around all skinny. He said he's not sure if Oprah is doing it but she is thin now. He said he's not sure how she did it but she has gotten thin. He said it's not fair to use a pill to get thin.
Howard said people wrote in about that. He read through some feedback about the weight loss stuff. He said he's running out of stuff that made him superior in some way.
Howard answered another knock at the door. It was Oprah Audio Book. The guys played clips of Oprah asking Howard questions about what she ever did to him other than make much more money. Howard said he just be jealous of her. They had Oprah making other jokes and laughing. Howard said she's mean today. He said she must be hungry.
Howard said it's hard to argue with an audio book. He said that's what he learned today. He let Oprah go.
Howard said he has to take a break. He did a live commercial read and went to break a short time later.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and said that's Sammy Hagar and they did it live. He said he loves Sammy and that band. He said he listens to that all the time. He said they do a bunch of cover versions. He said that's a good band. Robin said she wasn't sure who it was. Howard said they have some great guys in the band. He said they're good. Howard said Sammy still has a good voice and he's in his 70s. He said Jason Bonham is a great drummer too. He said just listen to that. Robin said there's nothing wrong with that.
Howard said he was watching an old TV show called Messiah. He said he loved it. He said they never finished the series. He said they had it on Netflix. He said the show was good but then it stopped at the end of season 1 and they leave you hanging. Robin said she lost interest in it so she didn't even finish.
Howard said he was watching another show called something Beirut. He said it was really good. He said he was watching the new season of ''From'' and he has a fear with that show. He said they live in a weird town where there are monsters and you can't escape. He said he feels like there won't be an ending there. Robin said it's from the same creators of Lost. She said that was the worst mess. Howard said he loves From. He said it's on Amazon Prime. He said that he has a fear it will never end.
Howard said the show is called Ghosts of Beirut. JD said it's on Showtime. Howard said it's good.
Howard said he was listening to this the other day. He said this is the song ''Changes'' by Black Sabbath. He said it's so good. He played the song and said it gets him every time.
Howard said he's not sure why this makes him feel something. He said he's not sure how that works. He said there's something that goes through you and it makes you want to cry. Robins said there are certain notes that strike at a certain frequency that has that effect on people. Howard asked why not all people are affected by it. Robin said it takes a genius to put them all together. Howard said the guy who wrote the lyrics to this song was the bass player for the band. He said that was Geezer Butler. He said he loves that name. Howard said it's kind of shocking when you learn Geezer wrote this.
Howard thanked Ozzy for that. He said that Gary said that Ozzy was coming in with Sharon and he never said they weren't coming in but they never showed up. Gary said they did tell him about that. He said they were dealing with some stuff and they did tell him. Howard said they did not. He sang some ''Changes'' and ignored what Gary was just telling him.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Ozzy who was mumbling to him about who knows what. Howard said he misses Ozzy like hell. He said he meant to ask him about that song. He was yelling for Sharon and stuff like that. The impersonator went into his Sharon impersonation and talked about the kids and stuff like that. Fake Ozzy started to lose his mumbles. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said there you go. He said that's the next best thing to having them there. He said Sharon used to come on the radio show a hundred years ago. He said she was great on the show and she became a whole big thing. He said her voice sounded a bit masculine there. Robin said she may have had a cold. He said she sounded less than feminine. Howard opened the door and asked if Sharon has a cold. The impersonator said she was taking Ozempic so that may have affected her voice. Howard closed the door on them again.
Howard said everyone gives back the documents but Donald got himself into this by fighting it. He said he clearly did something and didn't give them back. He said they had to go in with the FBI to get them back. He said it's a dumb crime. He said there are so many better crimes. He said that he really wanted to call Donald and just tell him to give them back. Robin said he would have claimed he already gave them back. She said he withheld some of them and refused to acknowledge he had them. Howard said it's the craziest crime and for what?
Howard said he played that clip of the band singer talking about jerking off horses for a living. He said that inspired people. He read through some of the feedback about that. He said one guy thought $4 an hour was good money. Howard replayed the clip and had an extended version of it where the band went into their song.
Howard cut the clip off and said he remembers David Lee Roth talking about how you have to have good banter as a front man. He said David had that. He said that this guy has some rap. He said that he had a job washing dishes at a summer camp. He said that's not as exciting as this guy's job. He said he's got nothing to say about that.
Howard played the rest of the clip and the band breaks into their song as Casey is finishing up his story. Howard did his Beavis and Butt-Head laugh as the song was going. He said this is cool. The guy sounded pissed. He said the band is Red Scare. Howard asked if the guy has any other talk ups. JD said he hasn't gone through it all. He said the fans do push him around and jump off the stage and stuff during the concert. Howard said the whole thing is chaos. He said the crowd got really wrecked up over jerking off horses.
Howard said Bruce Springsteen has stories but nothing about jerking off horses. Howard and Robin talked about the guy's rant and how he was talking about how someone was making a million dollars from the horse jizz but the guy was only making $4 an hour. Howard said he knew guys at radio stations who would go on rants like that. He said they were complaining about their jobs while the company was making big money. Robin said it takes a lot of money to run a horse farm. Howard said the radio stations had to spend a lot too. He said there was a lot of pressure there too. He said they just had to work 4 hours and say what songs were coming on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's calling about the horses getting erect. He said it's because they're creatures of routine. He said they are lined up in the barn knowing they're going to get jerked off. Howard asked how you get them started though. The caller said they're held down so they figure it out and they end up loving that part of their day. Howard said they sound like Ronnie in a way. The caller said some of them may get bloodshot eyes.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's 29 and he's an open mic stand up. He wanted to run some jokes by him. Howard said go ahead. The caller told Howard one of the jokes he had about carnie workers and it kind of bombed. Howard said he was better at the horse stuff. The caller told a joke about dating a woman who is 30 years older than him. That joke bombed too. Howard told the guy, Peter, that he wants to be positive here. He said it takes 10,000 hours to be great and he's guessing he's at about hour 4. He said keep going. He said if you work at it he may be able to hone his craft. He said he has to tighten up some of this stuff though. Robin asked if he's really dating an older woman. Peter said he is.
Howard asked how it is fucking a woman that much older. Peter said it's amazing. He said the sex is great. Howard said maybe he should start off with some real stuff and talk about why he's dating an older woman and just say that's the only woman he could get. He said that he could say he's doing it to piss off his parents too. Peter said for sure. He said he agrees with him. He said this is the feedback he was looking for.
Peter said he has one more joke that's kind of controversial. Howard had him do it. Peter told a joke about the pandemic and the mask thing. He said it felt like they were living in Saudi Arabia and he would see a woman's nose and he'd want to rape her. Howard said maybe don't do the rape joke.
Howard answered a knock at the door and fake Adam Sandler just made his goofy noises. Howard said maybe if he did what Adam does Peter would be good. Howard said maybe just do the ''Shabadoo'' kind of stuff. Adam told Peter he blew it. Howard let him go and let Peter go too. He said let him know when he puts in his 10,000 hours. Robin said he's still trying to find his voice. He said he'll send them a video in 5 years. Howard said he probably won't be around so that's fine.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she worked at a breeding farm when she was in college. She said they didn't jerk off stallions to get the semen. She said they have a way of doing it where they don't have to do that. She said they have a mare that's in heat and the stallion comes in and gets all horny and then they have a thing that the horse mounts and it fucks that thing with a hole with a big condom in it. She said it catches the load in that. She said then they collect the jizz that way. Howard said that's right. He said this guy's story was kind of suspect. Robin said that the stallions can kill you because they're so angry. Howard thanked her for the call. She said she's a good dude.
Howard took a call from a guy whose connection was so bad that Howard had to bail on the call. He said he's not sure what's going on with the phones these days but they might be using the ear pods things. He said his daughter does that. He said she takes them out and the phone sounds great. He said the ear pods don't work.
Howard said that this month is the 20th anniversary of meeting Sour Shoes. He said he does amazing impressions for the show. He said that he thought he was so good at them that they could have him on the show doing the impressions. He said he's amazing. He said only they can use them. He said the guy is super talented. He said he wanted him to be part of the show. He said he doesn't want to be on a schedule. He said that he lives with his parents and stays in the pool most of the day. He said he won't just set up a microphone in his house to work for them. He said he's in that pool instead.
Howard played a montage of Sour's impressions which included Mad Dog Russo, Richard Simmons, George Takei, Mariann from Brooklyn and Gary Dell'Abate.
Howard said he's very talented. He said he can become eccentric and disappear for months or years on end. He said it's been years. He said they last saw him in March of 2020. He said he was up in the studio. He said they have spoken to him a handful of times since then. He said they heard from him in August of 2020. He said he was in his family pool. He said you can't control the guy either. He played a clip where he was trying to talk to Sour and he was just going on and on with his impressions.
Howard said he's difficult to work with. He said you sit there and wonder why he's doing what he's doing.
Howard said after that Sour cut off all communication with them. He asked Derek what's going on there. Derek said he has 3 numbers for him and they're all blocking him. He said they have a message that says that they're not accepting calls at this time. Derek said Sour claims that the lines are down out there and they haven't been fixed. He said that there are some theories that he's very right wing and they're upset with Howard. He said that he was putting out a lot of conservative stuff up back then but he has never said that's the reason. He said you can't get a straight answer out of him.
Howard said last month Sour left a message for Derek. He said this is Sour calling Derek. He played the clip of Sour doing a lot of his impressions in one call. He was playing music and doing all of these different impressions. He was singing about how he misses him.
Derek said they were voice memos he was getting from a cell he didn't recognize. He said all he was able to do was chat back to him. He said he was waiting for responses from him. Howard said this is as mysterious as his disappearance. Derek said Sour has said that he thinks he blew his shot with them and he won't give them a straight answer about why he won't call in.
Howard said Sour answered the question about why he's not calling the show and did it as Scott Farrell. He played that message that Sour left for Derek. It was about lines coming down in the wind storms or something.
Howard said he heard that his parents took his phone away from him because of his excessive phony phone calls. Derek said he thinks that they're just blocked for whatever reason.
Howard said Sour answered questions about his job and what he's doing as Richard Simmons. Sour said that he's working at McDonald's and some other jobs around the area. He said he works on taxes and stuff. Howard said what a mad genius that guy is.
Derek said he gets the real Michael for a second occasionally. He said that he is convinced that if he pulls away from his house that he just drives to another house where he has a wife an kids and this is all just a set up. He said he thinks the reality is that he's just raking leaves in his parents back yard. Howard said he just can't be chained down to some regular gig. Derek said he was trying to get a job a year or two ago and he was trying to do it at real radio stations. He said he was doing zoom interviews and doing them from his pool. He said he never got past the first interview.
Howard played a clip of Sour talking about working at a church and playing the organ there. Howard said he is a good keyboard player. Derek said he was at his house and he has keyboards and other instruments in his room. He said he can play anything on any of those instruments. He said it's amazing.
Howard said the guy is his own thing and you can't direct him. Derek said it's like trying to lasso a tornado when he comes in. He said it's insane but he misses him. Howard said his insanity is what makes him great but it also makes him hard to handle.
Howard said Sour has continued to call into other shows out there like Mike Francesa. He said they asked Sour if he's upset with them and he answered as George Takei. He said he's not mad at them at all. He said it's been so hard to get a hold of them on the hot line. He did his Jackie the Joke Man voice too. Howard said he's so good. He said he sounds just like George and Jackie. Derek said he should just drive up to his house and see what's going on. He said the last time he called was right in the middle of the KISS interview. He said he sat through that and then he hung up and that was it. He said making the leap on air is tough for him.
Howard said he's called in twice today and he's hung up as soon as he's done playing his clips. Gary said it's been 4 times today. He said he gets ''disconnected'' every time.
Howard said he was going to pick up on him but he keeps hanging up. Derek said they love him and would love to talk to him. Howard said he thinks that was a good update. He said it's nice to hear what he's up to. He said he has issues. He said once wore a diaper in the studio and he was doing this baby voice. He said that really freaked him out.
Howard said he has asked him to knock off the baby voice but he won't listen. Howard said he sees it's time to end the show. He said they have stuff to do tomorrow. He ended the show around 10:00am.
Howard said Beth had to get her hair done for his daughter's wedding and things like that. He said he was home alone and he really can't be left alone. He said he doesn't want to be alone. He said he wants to be left alone in his house but someone has to be there with him. Robin said she knows exactly what he means. Howard said he felt weird.
Howard said he had to put his TV on. He said he loves to watch YouTube when he eats dinner. He said he watches a lot of Garry Shandling interviews. He said he doesn't know what's going on but that's what he's watching. He said he watched a guy from some guy from some national archive or something. He said Garry talked about how he got into comedy writing. He went through a long story about Garry going out and writing a pilot. Robin said he did tell them this story. Howard said he won't tell the whole thing then.
Howard said he watched a bunch of interviews with Garry. He said it was everything Garry. He said the computer must know that he's into that. Robin said it does know. She asked what he's trying to learn from Garry. Howard said he thinks he's watching more Garry than porn lately. He said there must be something wrong with him.
Howard said he feels that Garry is so bright about writing scripts and his art of stand up comedy was something. He said he's someone worth listening to. He said he's obsessed too because he had trouble breathing in some of the videos. He said he wonders what happened to all of his material that he left behind. He said David Brenner too. He said he left behind so much. He said it's just gone when they die. He said it's really just gone.
Howard said he just read that Joan Rivers used to keep stuff by the Dewey decimal system. He said she had big drawers full of jokes. He said she had thousands of cards of jokes. He said her daughter Melissa gave him one of those cards. He said he just saw that they put those cards into an archive system. He said those jokes were so good. He said it's good that they'll be saved. He said he has one card and thought he was special but Jimmy Fallon said that he has one too. He said he thinks Melissa gave a couple out. He said there are 65,000 others. He said he has one of them. Robin said there's always the Jackie the Joke man archive. Howard did his Jackie impression for a bit.
Howard said he hadn't thought of Jackie in a while but they did that Sour Shoes update yesterday. He said he did all of those impressions. He said he was thinking about Sour Shoes yesterday. He said he's not sure what's wrong with that guy as far as it comes to work. He said he made a record album by his pool. He said that it's not produced very well but the guy could have been a great voice impressionist or a writer or something. He said this is a song called Sour Wig City and it's not very well produced but you can tell the talent is there. He said you can hear it. He played the song for Robin.
Howard said it could be produced properly. He said it sounds a little derivative. He said he must be having trouble with his equipment. He said the song was blacking out on him. He said how heartbreaking it is to be Sour's parents. He said they hear that and he's still living at home. He said he thinks the guy is a real talent. He said he really does. Robin said there is that savant thing. She said that he has those things it takes to do the work except for not being able to collaborate and work with people.
Howard said he worked hard to get his skills up at everything he does. He said there are some kids it comes too easy to and they don't work at it.
Howard said you don't get a lot of feedback about the show. He said people don't bother doing that. He said it was like someone throwing him a life preserver. He said he gets through the day fine but he doesn't feel right. He said he realized how much Beth is in charge of stuff. He said he didn't even turn the alarm on for the house. He said she does that usually. He said he doesn't know what to do about that. He said he's not sure how to turn it off even.
Howard said Beth says she's the man in this family. He said he enjoys being a girl then. He said she left him notes all over the house for what he had to do. He said he had to feed the cats and do his chores. He said he's a big star and he can't be doing that. He said he had to blow off steam. He said he was asking how she can do this to him. He was all pissed off.
Howard said he had to eat dinner by himself yesterday. He said they have a whole routine where he brushes the cats. He said he feels so bad for them and if a cat looks at him he has to sit there and take care of them. He said he only does it for Beth though. He said it was weird. He said he mumbled the whole time he was cleaning up after dinner. He said he does take out the trash but he's usually doing it for Beth. He said there was no incentive to do any of this. He said he's too famous for chores.
Howard said he sat on the couch and didn't know what to do. He said he brushed the cats and sat with them for 20 minutes or so. He said that's a good stretch for him. He said he got up early this morning and had notes all over. He had to feed the cats the right way.
Howard said Beth had the note about feeding the cats and there were specific rules for all of them. He was putting down cans of food and did a bunch of other things. He said it was crazy around there. He said then Robin called him. He said it was a good time to call because he was sinking fast. He said he was going down. He said Beth left him and he got angry. Howard said he got all worked up. He said he's such a baby.
Robin said she was just reading an article about a couple and this guy said he had to travel alone. Howard said don't trust him. She said that she took trips on her own and now they look forward to that time alone. Howard said guys who do that are out fucking. He said they find married women who want to fuck. He said it's disgusting. He said people are gross.
Howard said Beth is supposed to come home today. He said he hopes she comes home. He said Beth will listen to this and wonder why she can't go anywhere. He said she can but he struggles with it. He said he got married to be with someone. He said he really wants to be married. He said he marries them so they stay in the house with him.
Howard said all hell was breaking loose with him. He said they have to be on lockdown because he has to see his daughter get married. He said Beth said she would wear a mask. He said if she got COVID last night he's going to be pissed. He said she said he was driving her crazy. He said she'll be tested when she comes home. He said he can't be at the wedding on a ventilator.
Howard said Beth told him to stop it with the COVID thing. He said he brings it up every 5 minutes. He said this is what it's like to live with a superstar. He said he laughed at calling himself a super star. He said she does say she loves him. He said he likes being married and he doesn't want her going out.
Robin said she read a story about a guy who had to save his niece and son from a rip current and he had to decide on who to save. She said he saved the niece first and then the son. She said the guy had to choose though. He was able to save them both but he did have to choose. Howard said Beth would have to run in and save them.
Howard said if anyone is in that situation with him you have to save him first. He said he's struggling more and he's famous so save him. He said save him and then save your kid.
Howard said he did all of his chores this morning. He said Beth didn't even check in with him. He said she didn't check on him last night either. He said that's terrible. He looked to see if she got anything. He said that he texted her an article from the Daily Mail about how fans want him to return to America's Got Talent. He said they want him to relace Simon. He said he sent it to Beth to remind her how famous he is.
Howard said Howie and Heidi just pretended that he was never there. He said that's show biz. He said he hasn't watched the show since he left. He said it felt weird after he left. He said he didn't want to see it. He said Simon is such a foul prick. He said not in a good way either. He said they say he's not being critical enough in the show. He said that the shows have become very sanitized. He said if someone fucked up he'd tell them. He said he didn't do it in a mean way but he was honest. Robin said that's called constructive criticism. Howard said everyone is perfect now. He said they could do that on American Idol too.
Howard said one of the fans wrote in about him on America's Got Talent. He read through some of the comments from the fans in that article.
Howard said that made him feel good. He said he sent it to his wife making her miss him a little. He said America's Got Talent is doing fine without him. He said the season premiere had 6.1 million viewers. He said they're doing fine. He said he seems to recall having 11 million when he was on it. He said maybe he just told himself that. He asked Jon Hein if he's right about that. Jon said he's not wrong. He said it was higher than 6 but maybe not 11. Howard said good for him. He said he doesn't want to lie.
Howard said he did all of his chores this morning. He said he can't wait for Beth to get home to see he did all of that. Robin said she'll be happy then. She said she took care of everything. Howard said he was going to text her this morning but he was waiting for her to text him first. He said neither of them have done that. He said he should text her and say he misses her. Robin said he should. Howard texted her that he misses her.
Howard said he knows Beth has been up for hours already. He said it would be funny if she flew off and left him. He said he'd have to go out and fine a girlfriend if she did. He said he can't be alone. He said he did take away her passport so she can't leave the country. He said he's just not good on his own. He said he has realized that.
Howard said he had Robin on the phone and his psychiatrist on the phone. Robin said Howard only had that short time alone when he was single. She said it was the funniest time of her life. She said that Howard was at all of the clubs when he was single. She said he was out so much that the parking attendants all saw him around. Howard said he was out there dating a lot. He said he was never alone. Howard said he needed a car where he was incognito.
The caller asked about how much they have sex. Howard said he would have sex more than they do because he's a nut. He said Ronnie is fucking every night. He said there's something wrong with him. He said Ronnie is something other. He said there is no guy his age who is doing it that much. He said the guy is completely sexed up. He said it's impressive. He said Beth left him for one night and he was thinking Ronnie is probably getting laid. Howard said Ronnie is like a cave man. He said he's impressive but a little bit gross at the same time. Howard said he doesn't expect that much sex. He said Ronnie must be doing something right though. He said she wants it from him.
Ronnie said she was all wound up that day. He said a lot of times he's the one who ''institutes the situation.'' Howard said that might be instigate. He said he does institute well. He said he's an amazing guy. He said that's Ronnie's super power. Ronnie said he takes that goat weed stuff every day. He said whatever it is it's working for him.
Howard asked if Ronnie thinks he could fuck so much if he didn't have a hot chick like Stephanie. Ronnie said he's been that way for a long time. He said he thinks he would.
Fred did his Ronnie Puppet voice. Howard said he told Jimmy how he put a red dot on the puppet's eye. He said Jimmy thought that was pretty funny.
Ronnie said he got to see Jimmy a few weeks ago. He said he had a good time at his comedy club. He said that they had a benefit show there. He said that Ronnie was supposed to do something at the opening of his club and he mentioned that to Jimmy and he may have invited him to that thing because he didn't invite him to the opening.
Howard said Sarah Silverman was there. He said she looks good. Ronnie said she really does. He said Jeff Ross was there too. He said Nick Kroll and Patton Oswalt were there. He said Patton was hysterical. He said he goes through stories and they're crazy. He said they were really funny. Howard asked how there can be so many funny people. Ronnie said they were great. He said John Di Domenico was there too. He does Trump on the show.
Samantha asked Ronnie how big his penis is. Ronnie asked why she wants to know. Sam said they were talking in the back office and they were wondering about that. She said she's thinking that it might have something to do with his sex life. Howard said be careful because he's putting on his sex voice. Sam said he's such an icon and a legend. Ronnie said he's feeling a threesome. Howard said see, he warned her.
Howard said he doesn't think she's coming on to him. Sam said she's not. Ronnie said he'd say he's average. He said he's a little over 6 inches, hard. Sam said she's happy for him. She said they've talked about his life and never talked about how big his penis is. She said they have never uncovered this.
Howard answered a knock at the door and it was fake Bill Clinton who was talking to Ronnie about his sex life for a few seconds. Howard let him go pretty quick.
Howard said that was a good question from Sam. He said they didn't know how big his penis was. Howard asked about his girth. Ronnie said he doesn't know. He said it's not a beer can type. He said it's not a pencil. He said it does the job very well. He said he's never measured the girth. Sam said this is why they get paid the big bucks.
Howard said Robin turned off her microphone over there. Robin said she's sorry about that. She said she wants him to make a circle to show how bit around it is. Ronnie said his fingers don't touch when they wrap around it.
Howard said this was an innocent question but now Ronnie is thinking about this the rest of the day. He went inside his mind and made up the scenarios he was thinking about with Sam.
Howard let Sam and Ronnie got after that. Robin asked how much more sex they could have. Howard said Beth thinks he's all sexed up but he's not sure about that. He said he sure does like sex though. He said it has a big meaning to him. He said it means more than just sex. He said he has someone who wants to be with him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she's going to the parade in Denver. Howard said he'd never go to any parade. He said he hates parades. The caller said she does too but she's going to this one. Howard asked why. She said they have been Nuggets fans for so long and they finally won. She said they have to go. Howard asked what she's going to do there. She said she has a plan. She got into the details like even where they're going to park. Howard said it sounds exhausting already. He asked what you do when they walk by, clap? She said for sure. Howard asked if they'll scream too or just clap. The caller said she'll just stare at them. Howard said there's always some crazy broad there who will lift up their shirt and show their tits. The caller said that's not her. She said there are a lot of naked people out there. She said she was at the pride festival and there were naked people there.
Howard said he'd never go to anything like that. He said congratulations to the Denver Nuggets. He said he'd never go to the parade but have fun. He let the caller go.
Howard said he doesn't get what the joy is in going to that. Robin said they have chairs they bring with them and they have all kinds of things like that. Howard said they're professional parade goers. He said they have it all.
Howard read some stats about the Nuggets and how close they came to winning a championship. He said Richard went to the Eagles parade with his wife. He said they were drinking in public and the cops didn't arrest him. He said Richard was excited about that.
Howard said he was talking about the Ozempic thing and he was all pissed off about that yesterday. He said they have people out there hosting shows that don't even look like hosts. He asked how Michael Strahan got a job as a host. He said he doesn't get that. He said back in the 60s and 70s they had radio guys doing the hosting. He said now you have Ru Paul hosting. He said they want personalities instead of radio guys. He said they have comedians and they have Jeopardy hosted by a contestant.
Howard read some feedback and someone suggested that he should be host of Wheel of Fortune. Howard read that Gary was on a game show called Don't Forget the Lyrics. He said that Chris Wilding was on Canadian Match Game too. He had a clip from that show where they introduced Chris. Howard said he was killing as a game show contestant. Chris said he's shocked they were able to find that clip.
Howard said he saw Gene Rayburn host Match Game once. He said it was wild seeing him in person. He said he can't remember who else was on that time. He said he went to a taping of Jeopardy once too. He said he saw his cousin on College Bowl. He said that was cool too. He said the set was really small.
Howard asked how Chris did on Match Game. Chris said he did pretty well. He said he went to the top and won. He said he won like 5 grand Canadian. He said that his final thing was ''Black blank'' and he put ''jack'' and the guy matched him so he won.
Chris said some of the celebrities who were on the show wouldn't match you on purpose. He said they don't get the game. Howard said some hosts are really good. He said Gene Rayburn was really good at it. He said Steve Harvey is good at hosting too. He said Bob Barker was great as a host. He said the world has gone nuts with the hosts now. He said they used to have professional radio guys.
Howard said Pat Sajak was a good host. He said he was great because he doesn't have a thought in his head. He said he's just there introducing people and getting to the game. Robin said the only game that needed conversation was ''You Bet Your Life.'' Howard said that's a different story.
Howard said Alex Trebek was a great host but when he tried to ad-lib you wanted to jump out a window. He said the guy knew his lane though. He said he did his job. He said he was a great game show host. He said there were other guys like Bill Cullen who had to walk with crutches but he never brought it up. He said Wink Martindale was an empty vessel. He said Monty Hall was a complete idiot but he was a great game show host. He said that he told the people who wanted to hire him that he was going to turn off his brain to do the show. He said he would have nothing but the game in his head but the game.
Howard said radio guys are the best hosts. He said Ryan Seacrest has nothing in his head and he means that as a compliment. He said he hosts American Idol and he's on auto pilot after introducing the show. He said that's a host. He said you have to be completely void of anything in your head to host. Chris said you have to be a zombie. Howard asked who hosted the Canadian Match Game. Chris said he thinks it was a piece of plywood. He said he's not sure. He said he was the one making the joked, not the host. He said he was doing the heavy lifting.
Howard said they should have the wheel host Wheel of Fortune. He said he misses the good old days.
Howard said this guy wrote in about Gary being rejected from Joker's Wild. He said the guy claims that he worked there and it would never say that he was ''too ethnic'' and it was probably something else that they wrote on his application.
Howard said people wrote in about the Casey Shaw talk. He said that clip is always a hit.
Howard said in 2009 (or 2007) Richard prank called a shop looking for a job collecting horse semen. He played the clip and Richard told the guy what he was looking for and the host hung up on him and said he's completely dumb.
Howard said he likes how the guy went to commercial and then he's the one doing the commercial.
Howard said he did all of the things she told him to do with the cats. He said he fed the cats and all of that.
Howard said he did not call her because he didn't want to pressure her. Beth said that he told Ashley that she was in the city and she got texts from her. Howard said he just can't miss her wedding. Beth said it's all about him. Howard said yeah. He said that it's about her too. He said she can't miss the wedding either. Beth said she's not missing that wedding. She said she has been a part of this whole thing and she's excited for it. She said for him to do that to her yesterday was not right. Howard said he just did a couple of things.
Beth said she got her rapid test back for Toni and she's negative. Howard said she has to tell everyone how much she loves him. Beth said she does but she's mad. Howard said he's going to give her a treat when she gets home. Beth said oh how lucky she is.
Howard let Beth go and had Morning Joe on his phone again. Robin said Howard is terrible at defusing things. She said she defended himself. Howard said he was right. He said Beth knows who she's married to. He said she knows she's married to a nut.
Howard said his youngest daughter is getting married. He said he likes the dude she's marrying too. He said that he helped with his mother. He said he got her some medication when he needed to get it to her. Howard said finally someone helped him. He said his future son in law went over to check on his father toward the end. He said his father asked him not to leave him. He said he sat there with him for a while. He said that he told him he had to go urinate and his dad asked him to just piss in his pants. He said his future son in law had to crawl on his hands and knees to get out of the room. He said you have to appreciate someone like that.
Howard said that kid earned his way into the family. He said the kid wrote him yesterday. He said it was his birthday. He said he wrote him that the big day is coming. He said he said he can't wait to marry his daughter. Howard said that's his little angel. He said that he told her to ask her husband stuff like that. He said that she asked if he's not her dad anymore. He said he just thinks she should let her husband handle stuff. He said he has too many opinions himself.
Howard said he will play the song and he hopes that they eat their hearts out hearing it. He said this is his band Tuchus. He played some ''Smell My Tuchus'' and said he thought this was going to be a big hit.
Howard played ''Metamucil Man'' too. He said he didn't even hear from them about that song. He said you'd think they would thank him.
Howard took a call from Mark the Bagger who he hadn't heard from in a while. He asked where he's been. Mark said he's been around. He said he's living on his own in Norristown. He found out he's still jerking off into his carpet. Mark said that he uses tissues sometimes.
Howard said Mark the Bagger just wrote a book. He said they will be playing some stuff next week about that. Mark said that Anthony wrote the book. He said it's an autobiography.
Howard asked Mark what he can do for him. Mark said that Pat Sajak is retiring and he thinks that he should take over with Robin taking Vanna White's spot. Howard said Vanna isn't leaving but that would be great if Mark took over as the host.
Howard asked Mark what he's doing for work. He asked if he's still bagging. Mark said he's semi-retired. He said he's still doing Cameos and stuff with Anthony.
Howard said it was good checking in with Mark. He let him go. Howard said that was Mark the Bagger. He said that he'd love to have him as the host of Wheel of Fortune. He said that would be so great.
Howard said people are salivating for this new song. He said they have their band Tuchus and they call their fans Shit Heads. He said he means it in the nicest way when he calls them shit heads.
Howard played the song ''Peloton Girl.'' After the song Howard said it's too good for Peloton. He said he realized he's a very sexual song writer. He said he makes Prince look like a Mormon. He said he saw Robin dancing and throwing her top off. Robin said she's not sure what to make of that song. She said it must be revolutionary or something. Howard said it's unbelievable. He said he worked his ass off on that song.
Howard said this is audio of him in the studio. He played a clip of him just making up lines and lyrics for the song. Howard said behold his raw creativity.
Howard said he gave that over to Nowicki and Richard to make something out of it. He said they brought him a track and he asked if they were fucking nuts. He said it was like cha-cha music. He played some of that too. He didn't like that. Howard said Fred never brought him a track like that.
Howard took a call from fake Marlee Matlin who said she loves his new song. Howard quickly hung up on her.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she has stopped wearing bras anywhere. She said it's so freeing. She said Beth has something going on with that. She said it's a great idea. Howard said she does wear a bra but not at dinner. He said he's still 13 years old so he likes that. He said that she wears a bra when she's out on a walk. He said she always complains about it when she has one on. He said there are different bras for different things. He said he told her that he doesn't needs special underwear for his balls.
The caller asked if Robin wears a bra. Robin said she wears one to bed. Howard said she didn't wear one to work one day and the orbit of the moon was thrown off. He said she has to wear one medically. He said she cut her boobs off and they grew back.
The caller said that she loves not wearing a bra. She said she has a C-cup and she wishes more women did that. The caller said she sent Jason a picture. Jason said he didn't get it yet. Howard asked her to try again.
Howard said guys must love that. He said he'd never get work done if women weren't wearing bras. He said it's a great look. The caller said that her's look good and they're hot for a 43 year old. Howard asked her to send the picture already. She said it's on its way. She said she's on her way to work. Howard said 43 is young to him now. He said anything is hot to him now.
The caller said it's kind of depressing for her because their son just went to college. Howard asked where her picture is. Gary said if he wants to put her on hold they can try again. He said they haven't gotten anything. Howard said he'll put her on hold.
Howard took a call from Ralph who said that you have to have nice tits to go braless. He said that 80 percent of women have bad tits.
Ralph said that Beth sounded really upset with him. He said he hopes he takes it seriously. He said he ruined her night. Howard said he did not. He said she's just saying that. Ralph said he doesn't think so. Robin said he's just glossing over it and making light of it. Howard said the reality is that he has to be at his daughter's wedding. He said he thinks without his reasonable reminding her about wearing her mask it might not go well. He said that he's nervous and he has to stay healthy until the wedding. He said Beth was going out with friends and he had to remind her. Ralph said he has to do something special to make it up to her. Howard said Ralph is just doing that because he pissed Beth off the other day on the air. Ralph asked what he means. Howard said he's not even sure. He said he has to go because Andy is there. He said he and Beth will have a discussion.
Jason said he got the pic. He didn't sound excited about it. Howard said that's a lovely woman. He said she has nice tits. Robin said that they're nicer than Jason's. Howard got the woman, Kate, back on the phone and said that she's wearing a bra in the picture. She said she just wanted them to see what she looks like so they don't think she's out of her mind. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard said that Ralph isn't talking to Chris still. Chris said that he felt bad about that whole thing. He said that they had a nice conversation over the weekend. Ralph hung up on him again. Howard said he loves that he's giving him advice but he can't stay on the phone himself. Howard said he has to get ready for Andy Cohen. He said all of this drama... Howard said he can tell Robin wasn't in love with that new song. Robin said she's wondering about the production. Howard said that's not his problem. He said he thought it was catchy. He went to break after doing a live commercial read.
Please visit Amazon.com for all of your shopping needs.
As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Howard came back and said he's been sitting down to pee lately. He said he can't stand up or it gets all over the place. He said now he sits and the pee goes on his balls. He said he will get into that later.
Howard introduced Andy Cohen and they talked about the balls thing that Howard just brought up. Howard said it's a mess. He said he may not have as big of a penis as Andy does so the pee goes on his balls. Howard said his wife talks about how disgusting men are and how there's pee all over the floor when they have men over.
Andy asked when he has people over. Howard said he would have Andy over but he's consumed with him. He said he's in the book a lot. Andy said he does come up a lot. Howard said Andy thinks that he's in a feud with him but he's really not. Andy said he was in the book because there was that run when his photo was behind the head of Sirius. He said Howard was very upset about that. He said they have gone through this already. He said the book is The Daddy Diaries: The Year I Grew Up and he started to explain what it was. Howard said he'll get to the book. He wanted to talk about the feud. Andy said that he did say that if that photo was someone else's it wouldn't have annoyed him. Howard said he'll break this down for him.
Howard said someone tells him that there's this meeting that Jennifer Witz had. Robin said it was with her. She said that Howard saw the picture. Howard said he's on the radio trying to create something. Andy asked if he's saying that this is a bit. Howard said sort of. Andy said it might be partly a bit and maybe not all a bit. Howard said his problem in life is that he says things that are hurtful but he's trying to be funny on the air. He said he should feel complimented that he even talks about that on the air. Andy said he's over that all anyway so it's not a big deal.
Howard said Andy Warhol did this thing that was revolutionary. He said Andy has picked up on that and he has published his diary like Warhol did. He said sometimes he'd talk about famous people he knew or whatever. He said it was interesting. He said Andy liked that and he has done the same thing himself. He said that he wants his fans to read his diary and what he does. He said this has been successful for him. Andy said this is his third diary and his fifth book. He said he thought they were done with the diary thing. He said that he had a son and a daughter on the way so he thought that he could pick it up again and do it through the lens of a single dad. He said he wrote the month of January to see if it was different enough from the others to do it again. He said he thought it could be great.
Howard asked if he really does this diary thing and writes in it. Andy said he writes on his computer and in his phone. He said he writes everything. He said that some of it is mundane and some of it is interesting. He said that book was his therapist for the year too.
Howard said he likes how tickled pink he is when someone like Cher calls him looking for Anderson Cooper. Howard said she thinks to call him and that's kind of mind blowing. Andy said it's mind blowing to him. He said the book is a snap shot of pop culture in the year 2022. He said that he had to put that in the book. Howard read an excerpt from the book where he wrote about Cher calling Anderson on air to tell him how good he was doing. Howard said people don't do that enough.
Andy said Anderson was in Ukraine at the time too. He said that when he left for that one he was thinking about him having two kids and how maybe he shouldn't be going. He said it's kind of his calling though. Howard said he won't leave his house. He said he can't imagine doing that.
Howard read more from Andy's book where he wrote about the Cher thing. Howard said he gets kind of insulted thinking that she's not calling him. Andy said she wasn't calling to talk to him. He said she wanted to talk to Anderson.
Howard said he didn't know how many books he had out. He said that his show ''Watch What Happens Live'' is interesting. He said he likes that it's not the most important thing in his life. Andy said the kids are. He said that's what the book shows. He said the show has been going on for 14 years. He said a lot of the things he puts in the book are about the staff and things like that. He said you don't want to sell out the guests if they behave poorly or something.
Andy said that Howard questioned him about upsetting people in his books. He said that he did think about that a lot. He said that he had to keep that in mind with this one. He said he was extra careful this time.
Howard said Andy has a lot going on with celebrity friends. He said the book he could write if he could talk about it all. Andy said if he could make judgments about that and the Housewives he would. He said he produces Housewives and he has to keep that in mind.
Howard said Andy has said in the past that when they talk about late night TV they don't mention him with the other late night hosts. He said he thinks that his show started as a wrap up show. Andy said it did. Howard said then it evolved into a talk show. He said he thinks the industry doesn't see that as a traditional talk show. Andy said it's not. He said he gets that. He said that he used to be very much taking stock of where he was in the landscape. He said he thinks about all of that. He said he's so happy to be on the air. He said he is so over all of that. He said he doesn't really think about it now or even care about it. Howard said if he did a traditional monologue he might be considered for that. He said he has done his own thing. He said it is what it is.
Howard said Andy says in the book that Wendy Williams was after him to be a Real Housewife of New York. Andy said she kept calling and calling and asked to be on the show. Howard asked if he's shocked by how many people want to be on that. Andy said she may be going through some struggles and she may have wanted to do that because she may not be feeling great. Howard said it's very loving of him not to put her on. Andy said that would not be good TV. He said he wants people to win and he's not looking for that. Howard asked how you tell her no. Andy said she wasn't aware that they were doing two different shows. He said that he explained that to her and she said she wanted to be on with the women she knew. He said he explained it to her and he's not sure what registered and what didn't. Howard said he never thinks about him having that responsibility of that huge franchise. He said he forgets that he has so much going on. He said that Chuck Barris had that with the Gong Show. He said he can imagine people bugging him to be on the show. Andy said that he'll go to Sam's in East Hampton and he's a little bit setting himself up there. He said there have been people who are auditioning for the show nearby him. He said he's not sure what it is they're doing. Howard said he has people who seem to do that around him too.
Howard asked if it ever works to get them on a show. Andy said not really. He said there are people who may come up to him and tell him about knowing someone from one of his shows and that is a way to get him to listen to them. He said that doesn't happen often though.
Howard said they knew this person who would be perfect for the show. He said they didn't like this person though so they weren't going to call Andy to get them on the show.
Howard asked if Andy ever gets pissed about how obnoxious a person is and won't put them on. Andy said it depends on how good it would be for TV.
Howard said he took Erika Jayne and made her famous. He said he is like Dracula and he gives people the gift of eternal life. Andy said that these women do want to come on and get the fame that they're missing from their lives. Howard said Trump used to tell him about how tickled he was with his fame. He said he knew other billionaires who couldn't get laid because they didn't have fame. He Andy has that power to make people famous. He said he's a gate keeper.
Howard asked Andy if he has been asked by someone if they could pay him to get famous. Andy said he was offered a discount on a piece of art and he couldn't do it. He said it wasn't going to work. Howard said what a power really. Howard said he thinks having money and anonymity is a great thing but not these people.
Howard said Andy wrote about how he has a sexual energy with some of the stars of his shows. He asked what that means. Andy said he was talking about Tamara and he has seen most of her breasts in various pieces over the years. He said that he has kissed her a lot too. Howard asked if women are titillated by their gay friends and they can show their tits and things. Andy said there is a safety there. He said he's sure that she wouldn't show him her tits if he was straight. He said he feels fortunate to be part of that discussion. Howard said he doesn't understand it.
Howard asked why he says that Sonya Morgan is the most outrageous housewife. He said that he leaves some things hanging. He asked why he wrote that. Andy said tune into planet Sonya. He said she needs a snatch guard when she goes out at night. He said there is a new show with Sonya and Luann that's coming on in July. He said he laughed out loud at the show. He said that he's not a laugh out loud kind of guy. He said Sonya is wild. He said just watch 10 minutes of the show and you'll see.
Howard asked Andy about living out east. Andy said he's in Amagansett. He said he'd love to have Howard and Beth over. He said the house on the ocean is finally done. He said he moved in 3 weeks ago. He said he's very excited about it. Howard said he had no idea he was doing that.
Howard said he's surprised that he lives in the Hamptons. He said that he would have thought that he would get too much from people out there. Andy said he wants to be on the beach. He said he will barely leave the house. He said he used to be very social but now he wants to stay home. He said he is way more grounded to his house at this point. He said getting a baby sitter out there is tough too.
Howard talked to Andy about how tough it is for him to have kids and not be able to go out. Andy said he was wondering what he was doing recently. He said that his friend was posting pictures from Fire Island and his 4 year old was giving him a hard time. He said that he had the kids at the right time though so he's glad he did it.
Andy said that his son got him up once last night and his daughter got him up twice. He said that his son wanted to come sleep with him and he said no at first but then she came in and slept in his bed. He said Lucy was doing the same thing. He said that he wanted to be fresh for the show but he couldn't say no. He said that he wanted to come in rested and fresh. Howard said get someone to help him. Andy said he's not looking for that. Howard said Andy is never going to have a husband. He said he's 55 now and he'll never get married. Andy said dating him is tough. He said he's not looking for that right now. He said he's hoping that his beach turns very gay and there are a lot of gay guys out there.
Howard said he read this story about how he got picked up hitchhiking. Andy said he was trying to get a cab and this truck driver picked him up. He said he needed a ride. He said 5 days later there were no Ubers in sight. He said he'll take a ride. Howard said he's a wealthy guy. He asked how much he's worth. Andy said like 200 million. Howard said that's about right. Andy said he's kidding. He said he does well. Howard said how about have someone drive him. Andy said he's not cheap but he knows the value of a dollar. He said he didn't start making stupid money until later in life. He said we are who we are. He said he was fully cooked as a person before he got all of this. Howard said he just doesn't want to spend the money then. Andy said if he needs a driver he'll get one when he needs it. He said he ordered a driver recently and it was an important thing for his son. He said that's when he'll do it. Howard said he should treat himself. Andy said he takes the subway to Sirius. He said he gets on the subway and it's no big deal. Howard said he's a cheap guy. Andy said he's not.
Howard said he thinks this comes from his mother. He said his mother took him to the juvenile delinquent center to show how good he had it. He said that's where this comes from. Andy said he's impressed he knew that. He said he used to take cabs after 9/11 and then he folded and started taking the subway. He said it's the quickest way around the city.
Howard asked what you do in the subway when someone acts out. Andy said he goes to the next train or keeps his head down. He said he and Amy Sedaris ran into a mentally ill man in the subway and they did think they were going to meet their end down there. Howard said he, Robin and Fred use to take the subway to work and it was scary. Andy said he's never had an altercation down there. He said he feels fine during rush hour down there. He said he won't take it in off hours.
Howard said Andy had a drinking problem but now he's taking these THC tinctures. Andy said he is and he loves them. He said that they work really well for him. He said he and his son took a bath the other night and he had the greatest conversation. He said that we all have our coping mechanisms. Howard asked how old his son is now. Andy jokingly said 17. Howard said he's thinking about his father taking a bath with him. Andy said that he thought it was weird the first time but it's kind of not. He said his grandmother wanted hi to take a shower with his grandfather once and he was like 10 at the time. He said he didn't want to do that. Howard said he remembers seeing his grandfather's penis and his mother's tits too. He said that traumatized him. He said his mom had massive boobs and a huge bush. Andy said his son is 4 and he thinks they're still in the safe zone with the bath thing now.
Howard said he's thought about Andy's life in St. Louis and how that must have been. He said there were no famous gay people at the time living there. Andy said there were gay people on TV like Paul Linde. Howard said Andy was closeted and he did date women. He said he can tell that Andy is gay now. He asked what a closeted Andy was like. Andy said it was like him but you just didn't know. He said he had all of these posters up that would have shown you he was gay. He said that people just didn't know. Howard asked if he had a feminine voice. Andy said that he hears old tapes of himself in college and he sounded very feminine and even more than now. He said there were friends who would tell him that he was going to grow up gay and he would say ''Who me?''
Howard said he got kicked off the swimming team. He asked if the locker room was his heaven. Andy said his dad used to take him to his tennis club. He said he didn't know why he liked it but he liked it. He said his son had to pee a couple of weeks ago and they went into an Equinox gym. He said he ran in and said he really had to pee. He said he went into the locker room. He said they have kids go in a different bathroom so it's not traumatizing. He said he kind of put it all together and figured out that he went through that as a child.
Howard said he thinks he never consciously gets political. Andy said he stopped about a year ago. He said he talked about gay issues and anti-Semitism before that. He said after Biden was elected he stopped. He said he thinks people know where he stands. He said he loves it when Howard talks about politics. He said he hopes he never stops. Howard said he thinks a straight man has to talk about picking on gay people. He said we have to stand up for them. Andy said he's right. He said that he appreciates him standing up for them.
Howard said he feels they're using transgender to stick it to gay men and women. He asked if he's threatened by that. He said he finds it every threatening. He said he feels like they're going to go back to the days of gay people being closeted again. Andy said there is a concern there. He said that Ron DeSantis is not representative of what people want in the world. He said here seems to be a minority in charge that's pushing for that and it's really scary. He said Marjorie Taylor Greene has real power and she said something the other day about the pride flag being a terrorist weapon or something. He said it's insane.
Andy said he's shocked that people got so upset about the Bud Light thing. He asked who gives a fuck about that. Howard said they think you're turning their kids into transgender. He said it's insane. Howard said JD kissed Chris Wilding on the show to show his support of gay people. Howard said he was shocked he didn't hear about that and call in.
Howard said he remembers Andy hosting Love Connection for 2 seasons. He asked if he's shocked that Pat Sajak is retiring. Andy said he is. He said that is the cushiest job and a great job. He said you have to be pretty middle of the road to get that job. Howard said he just said it earlier this morning that you have to have an empty head. He said that Pat was very safe. He said what a gig that is. He said he was making like 10 million a year. Robin said he said yesterday it was 15. Andy said he thinks it was 30 plus. He said Vanna has to be 10 million or so. He said now all the power is on her and they need her. He said that shows like that do not want to shake the cage with the viewers. He said they need her there at that board more than ever. Howard asked if it's that or that they might be called ageist. Andy said there are multiple reasons to keep her there.
Howard said he was saying that Ryan Seacrest would be a good host. Andy said that he picked on Ryan on CNN last year. He said he does that thing one time a year on CNN. Howard said he wrote about that in his book. Howard said that Chris Licht is the guy who told him he can't drink there on CNN. Andy said what a bungle that was. Howard asked how he knew Chris. Andy said he used to produced Morning Joe and he knew him there 15 years ago. He said that he used to go on that show a lot. Howard said Chris told him not to drink on New Year's Eve. He said that was the fun part of the show though. Andy said that people like to see Anderson giggle and he was able to do that. He said they still had fun. He said they were doing shots of pickle juice and things. He said they were doing what they could to get around it. He said it was a stupid move to tell him not to drink. He said they had Kevin Hart on the show and he did 4 minutes about how stupid CNN was for not letting them drink. He said that's not paying off for CNN.
Howard asked if Chris was the wrong guy for the job. Andy said it didn't work out so maybe. He said he's not sure. Howard said if he's on CNN again he may be able to drink. Andy said they could have talked to Chris about it if he was there. He said he would have hoped he'd say yeah.
Howard asked if he was shocked when he saw he was let go. Andy said after that Trump thing he wasn't shocked. He said he just wanted to be able to drink with Anderson.
Howard said Andy is in love with John Mayer. He said he writes about him in the book. He asked if he can swear he's never had sex with John. Andy said he can. He said he has never done that. He said that they have gone out and camped together but that's all it was.
Andy said Howard's fingers are really long. He said maybe his dick isn't that small but his hands are just really big. Howard said he'd like to say that his penis just looks small on his giant body but that's not it. He said he has measured himself and he's 6 inches. He said he knows Andy is 9 inches or something. Andy said he may have told him that. He said he really is happy with his dick. He said we can all find peace with our dicks and we can get through so much if we do. Howard said he brought up having an issue with his penis in therapy early on and that was a mistake.
Howard asked if Andy is in therapy. Andy said he's not but he could use some help. Howard said he was talking to his wife about how he had it made before he had the kids. He said he really went all in on that.
Howard said his first diary entry in his book was about New Year's Eve and how he called out ''fake'' Journey. He said he got riled up about that. He said the band was great and they got rid of Steve Perry. Andy said they've been through this already. He said he didn't expect to get into a Twitter war with Neal Schon in 2022. He said he was just trying to make TV. He said he loves the band now and they sound great.
Howard said he also mentions in the book that he was considering leaving SiriusXM. He said he hinted he had an offer to go somewhere else. Andy said that is true. Howard said we don't know that unless he names it. He asked if he got more money. Andy said he did. He said he didn't want to leave. He said he was there for 7 years and he built two channels there. He said he did not want to leave but there was an offer from somewhere else that was too good to be true. He said he was in meetings and talking about moving. He said he's so grateful that he was able to stay. He said he likes being there. He said they gave him a shot there and then a second. He said there's nowhere else he wants to be. He said it's the true answer.
Howard said Andy mentions him in the book a lot. He said one time he and his wife were on a walk and they called Andy. He said they were talking about Real Housewives. He said they called to ask Andy about the show. Andy said they asked him if they woke him up and it was like 9 in the morning. He said he can't sleep in. He said he has two kids. He said he was very excited to get the call. He said that they asked if Beverly Hills was on pause. He said they had a lovely chat.
Howard said he called him one night to apologize for something and he had just had sex with Beth. He said it was weird. He said they were in Miami that day. He said he thought about how upset Andy was that they had hijacked Bon Jovi. He said that he called Andy and apologized. Andy said it was very nice of him to do that. Howard said he called up and told Andy that he had just had sex. He said Andy said that he would have liked it to have been during sex. He said he thinks he could coach Beth toward making love to his penis that he would enjoy. Howard said that they're very traditional. He said it would be very eerie to have him on the phone.
Howard said he was reading the book and thinking about publishing his diaries. He said he's not sure they'd make for good reading. Andy said he has a lot of things happen to him when he's out there. He said Howard is more localized. Howard said he knows celebrities. Andy said he's not hitting the streets so much anymore. Howard said the reason he can't publish his diaries is because his show is his diary. Andy said there were some things in there that people have heard already so he relates to that.
Howard said he has meetings on the show and he has Jason take notes. He said that's like his diary in a way. Andy said it is. He said he still thinks that he'd be surprised by his diary.
Howard said Andy has a lot of celebrity friends. He said that Andy seems to love name dropping and the celebrities. He asked if he will lose friendships when it comes to this. Andy said that he asked him that last time. He said he thinks he's good. He said with John Mayer he suggested not getting into a feud with an 80s band because they'll never let it go. He said Sarah Jessica listens to Radio Andy a lot and she is surprised about how transparent he is about everything. Andy said that makes him wonder if he's said something about her that upset her. He said he doesn't think so.
Howard asked if he's dizzy from being next door to Sarah Jessica Parker. Andy said he's been friends with her for 25 years almost. He said he lives next door now. He said being friends with her is good. He said that he was blown away every time he went to dinner with her. He said he was friends with her at the height of Sex and the City. He said that it doesn't get cooler than that in his mind. He said he's still titillated by their friendship. He said it's 20 some years and you digest that it's there. Howard asked if he has boundaries with Sarah. Andy said he knows what they are.
Howard asked why Madonna has not done Watch what Happens Live. Andy said he hopes she will do it. He said he's kind of over it. He said he was keeping a list of questions for her. He said she's kind of answered a lot of it. He said he has kind of gotten over it. He said they have been in touch over the years. He said that he reached out to her and she told him to stop having people trash her on his show. Andy said that he speaks so positively of her on radio and on the TV show. He said that only the bad stuff gets picked up in the news. He said they have a lot of guests coming up and it's a lot of big stars. Howard said it's come a long way since the housewives were on. Andy said they know that it's a good place to go.
Howard asked how he knows Liam Neeson. Andy said he was close with Natasha Richardson. He said that he didn't see him there at the viewing. Andy said he was there. He said that Howard didn't know who he was then. He said she passed away a month before he got Watch What Happens Live. Howard said he has a lot of celebrity friends too. Andy said he should. He said he's been doing this a long time.
Howard asked Andy if he has made love to anyone famous he can't put in his book. Andy said he has banged celebrities. Howard said he thought he banged regular folk. Andy said he does that too. He said he has made love to a celebrity. Howard said now that's something. He said he thought he was just dating people. Howard asked if some of them were closeted. Andy said he did one many years ago. He said that was Lance Bass. Howard said that's right. He asked if he did any A-listers. Andy said there might be a couple of others that may not be A-listers. Howard said that's fabulous.
Howard said also in his book he wrote about abstaining from sex because of the monkey pox scare. Howard said Andy is also a big fan of fire fighters.
Howard said the book ''The Daddy Diaries: The Year I Grew Up'' is out now. Andy said it's been out for 3 weeks and it's on the best seller list. Howard said he flipped through the book and read it that way instead of reading it sequentially.
Andy said he'd love to show Howard the house. He said that it might be too awkward. He said he's not sure what he would do. He said he might have to populate the house. Howard said send him the list because some of his friends may not like him too much. He said they can talk about that off the air. Andy said he kind of wants to talk about it now. Howard said he is going out more now so he might be able to do something.
Howard gave Andy some plugs for his book and his radio channels there at SiriusXM. He said it might be time to stop bathing with his 4 year old son. Andy asked what the sticker is on his phone. Howard said it's a skull. He showed it to him. He wrapped up and let Andy go a short time later. Howard said he's an interesting guy. He did a live commercial read and ended the show around 10:35am.