|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard and the guys were back live this morning. Howard started the show talking about how he was playing Fred's guitar this morning when he came in. Robin mentioned she saw him doing that. Howard said it was out of tune. Fred said it has to do with the humidity in there. Howard said he was playing his Leslie West guitars this weekend. He said he has one of 100 made. He said it's a Dean. Fred said that's a beauty. Howard said he has number 29. He said he was playing Donovan's guitar too. He said that he has blisters on his fingers from playing. Fred said that Donovan suggested playing for over an hour. He said you have to do that to get the song down.
Howard said he's trying to learn Neil Young's ''Old Man'' but he's really bad. He had Fred hand him the guitar so he could try it out. He said he's working on a Nine Inch Nails song too. He started strumming and said he doesn't think it's in tune. He started to play ''Old Man'' and it wasn't sounding too bad. Then Howard started to sing and said he sucks. He was getting through quite a bit of the song but forgot some of the lyrics so he just made them up.
Robin wondered if this is hurting Neil Young or hurting him. Howard kept going. Howard asked if there were any other requests. Robin asked about the lessons he's taking and how that's working. Howard told her not to ask him. He kept picking away at the guitar. He started to play the Nine in Nails ''Hurt'' cover.
Howard said he just hangs out and plays and tunes the guitar. He said he was changing the strings on the guitar and things like that. Howard said he wasn't so bad. Fred said Robin is laughing but it wasn't that bad. Howard said Robin doesn't get it. Robin said he might want to try one thing at a time. Howard said he has to throw himself into it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he sounds good on guitar. Howard said he's starting a new band with Fred. He said he'll be on guitar and Fred will be on lead guitar. The caller asked how Fred can play a song over and over without getting burned out listening to it. Fred said he doesn't know. He said if you're dedicated then you just do it. Howard said he's been messing around with an open D tune. He said that's what Leslie West plays a lot of his songs in. Howard said that he has been doing it and he sounds nothing like Leslie. The caller said he sounds damn good though. Howard thanked him and let him go.
Howard said that they're calling him the Long Island Bruce Springsteen. Howard said someone sent him a Jackie thing. He said he wanted to talk about a bunch of stuff but this Jackie thing is on his mind. He said there's so much that happens when they're away.
Howard said Jackie entered some song contest and he has tape of Jackie recording and talking about how he's not the Long Island Bruce Springsteen. Howard said that he was very astute about things but then he'd call himself the Long Island Bruce Springsteen. He Howard said he's delusional. Robin said he had that the whole time they knew him. Howard said that you have to love Jackie.
Howard played a clip of Jackie up on stage talking about his life and how he started out. He mentioned the Howard Stern Show but then he talks about what he did before that. Jackie was talking about how he wasn't that great of a musician but he thinks that he should be the Bruce Springsteen of Long Island. Howard said that he admits he's not that good of a musician but he still thinks that. Howard started doing his impressions of Jackie making his odd noises and goofed on him about that for a few seconds.
Howard played more of the Jackie tape and Jackie was saying that people didn't know where Long Island was and some people would ask if it's near Buffalo. Howard played more of the clip and Jackie was talking about the song he was about to perform. It was a long talk up like Bruce would do with his songs. Then he starts to play. Howard said he's going to have Jackie committed. Then you hear Jackie playing and Howard is laughing at how bad it is. Howard said that song got made because people didn't know where Long Island was. Howard said that must be what happened to Bruce too. He said that people must have thought New Jersey was near Buffalo.
The tape sounds muffled at one point. Howard said that what happened there was that it was some shitty cassette that they were recording this thing on. Howard said that they almost lost the whole performance. Howard said Jackie sounds like Liza Minelli singing this song. Howard said it sounds like Robin's impression of Liza.
Howard said he's talked to Jackie about the songs and he thinks they're really good. Howard said he was honest with Jackie and told him that they were party songs. Robin said they're not even that good.
Howard said he and Beth play a game and they take envelopes and make predictions and put them in the envelopes. He said that they open them up 6 months later to see what they were. Howard said Beth loves the game too. He said they see something in the paper and make predictions. Howard said they have envelopes for a lot of things like that. Howard said they have one about who will be number 1 in late night. He said that it's between Letterman, Kimmel and Fallon. Howard said they write them down and they open them up 6 months later.
Howard said he thinks that Fallon will do well. He said that it's very odd in late night. He said he thinks that Letterman is going to benefit from Leno leaving. Howard said Letterman will be number 1 in 6 months. He said he thinks that the Leno audience is an older audience and a conservative audience. Howard said that you have to think about the people in Middle America. He said that Fallon is going for a younger audience. He said they were very funny last night on Fallon and it's for a younger audience. Howard said that those guys, Fallon and Kimmel, will go for the young audience. Howard said Letterman comes closest to the Jay Leno audience. He said Dave has become the traditional one. He said that he's not trying to appeal to the younger crowd.
Robin said she was thinking about this and she thinks that Leno should be upset with Letterman more than Dave was with him. Robin said if Dave hadn't gone to CBS then Jay would have been huge. Robin said NBC would have kissed his ass the whole time and he wouldn't have had these debacles of being thrown out. Robin said what Jay did was sit there and be his back up. She said Jay would have had an 8 share if Dave wasn't at CBS against him. Robin said that he never got the chance to be Johnny Carson. Robin said they keep leaving out Conan O'Brien from all of this promotion too. Robin said they'll talk about the long history of the Tonight Show and they never even mention Conan.
Howard said they had almost all of the late night guys there at the birthday bash. He said he's pulling for Kimmel because he's a personal friend of his. He said he never wants to disrespect him if he does letterman or Fallon. He said he thinks that things have heated up now. He said it's weird.
Howard said Seth Meyers is coming in tomorrow and he wants to ask him about this. He said that he has to know how you do a show and not offend someone. Howard said it has to be tough. Howard said that he has done both Dave and Jay in the past but now he has this emotional connection to Kimmel. The caller asked if he's going to do Fallon eventually. Howard said sure he will. He said Fallon has been good to him. Howard said NBC may want him to do promotion on that show. He said that he refused to do it when Jay was there but he would do it now. He said he hates doing all of those shows though.
The caller wanted to ask Robin something but Howard said he's a weird caller who talks over him the whole time. Howard said he doesn't have a rhythm with him. He said he had to let him go.
Howard said Leno's advice to Fallon was to do a long monologue. Howard said he thinks that people do tune in for that. Howard said that he doesn't think Fallon does that kind of thing though. Howard said maybe he should do a long monologue on the opening of this show. Robin told him to try it. Howard said he's going to do it now. Howard started off doing some weather jokes about Robin's breasts and how they were in Aruba. Howard said he's sick of the weather in New York. He said they're all in bikinis and Benjy is wearing one just to cover up his tits.
Howard said Sal bought his wife a pink snow shovel because he's really in love with her. Fred played some fake laughs for him. Howard said that his episode of ''Comedian's in Cars Getting Coffee'' has been airing. Howard told some stories about that. He said that Jay has left the Tonight Show and Jay is to TV what the roaches are to JD's apartment. Howard asked how this is going. Robin said she never tuned in for the monologue with Jay. Howard said he didn't either.
Howard had some other jokes that they wrote for this monologue. Howard had some jokes about this gay football player. Howard started talking about this football player and kind of stopped with the monologue. Howard said that they have a problem with a gay guy but not with drafting felons. Howard said they have the first openly gay news director right there on their show.
Howard said that Shirley Temple died. Howard said Ronnie knew her before she was famous. Howard said he saw Shirley Temple on the top of the google searches and he figured she either died or she came out with an anal video. Howard said Richard is going to drink a Shirley Temple out of his ass today on the show.
Howard said for those of you who feel lost now that he's made up with Kathie Lee, you can still hate Jay Leno and Osama bin Laden. Howard said you can hate Jay Leno too. Robin said he said him already. Howard said Kim Jong Un and Jay Leno again. Howard said that you can hate Benjy too.
Howard said that Derek Jeter is retiring from baseball but he won't retire from fucking hot chicks. Howard said he's going to keep fucking them.
Howard asked if he should keep the monologue going. Robin told him to keep going. Howard said he's only 7 minutes in and he's used up his material. Howard said there was a story about President Clinton having sex with Elizabeth Hurley in the White House. Howard said he thinks that Monica Lewinsky was a decoy and she snuck Hurley in.
Howard said that he Dennis Rodman puked shit and pissed in a hotel room in North Korea. He said that's the trifecta of being an asshole. Howard said that what he ate was Kim Jong Un's uncle. Howard said that this is exhausting. He asked how many minutes he was. Gary said he's 10 minutes in. Howard went into some more jokes about people like Shia LeBouf. He said that the Unknown Comic is suing him over that bag he wore over his head. Howard said Shia has been doing weird stuff like staring at people out in public. Howard said Fred has been doing that for years.
Howard said Bruce Jenner looks like a woman now. He said he's still denying that he's a transsexual and he's saying he doesn't like his trachea. Howard said that he's jerking off and then he reads it's Bruce Jenner. He said it's a big turn off. He said he thought it was one of those sisters on that show.
Howard asked if he can end the monologue. Howard said he's like 11 minutes in. Howard said he'll try to keep going if Robin wants him to. Robin told him to go for it.
Howard said Julia Roberts' sister killed herself. Howard said that they say it's a sibling rivalry thing. Howard said that if his sister's list of movies was like Julia's and he was a dog sitter he'd probably do the same thing. Howard said you never feel good enough. Robin said you have to give up the competition at some point.
Howard said that Oscar Pistorius wrote a Valentine's day poem for his dead girlfriend. Howard said that's sweet of him because he knows guys who are married for years and don't even buy a card. Howard read the poem and it said he wrote it because his lawyer told him to.
Howard said he saw that Megan Fox was trending on Google and it turns out it was because of a baby photo. He said that killed his boner. He said that helped him move on to be a fan of Kate Upton.
Howard said the Pope used to ride a Harley and it sold for $327,000 recently. Howard said he's a hip pope and wondered what's next, the Sybian? Howard said that joke is helped with a ''Hey oh!''
Howard told Jimmy Fallon not to listen to Jay Leno about doing a long monologue. Howard said he's 15 minutes in and he can't do another 5.
Howard kept going and told a few more jokes. Howard said he saw a picture of Gary on vacation and he was so tan that Sal hit on him thinking it was Tan Mom. Howard said he just wants this to be over already. He said that he's going to do one more and get out of this. He had another joke about some Iraqi people blowing themselves up with a bomb and they had the Three Stooges names.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that Jimmy Fallon is too excited for that time of night. Howard said he's very exuberant. King said that Letterman chills you out and Fallon is just moving around too much. Howard said all three guys are talented. He said it'll be interesting to see how it plays out. Howard said that there are a lot of young guys out there now and they're all cannibalizing each other's audience. King wondered if they're going to have to get rid of the Roots because of how dark they are. Howard asked if that's still a thing in the black community and if they have something against black people with darker skin. King said they have a different thought process than others. King said they think a lot different than light skinned. Howard said he's out of his skull.
King said he looked at something over the weekend. He said that you can tell the age of a man by his ass. Howard asked if he was looking into that really hard. King said he wasn't but you can tell if a guy has a bad ass that he's not young. Howard said when he was 20 his ass was bad but now that he's working out it looks better. He said that it does look like an old ass though. He said that it looks like an elephant's ass.
Howard said he's been working out but yesterday he woke up and his neck hurt. He said he wasn't able to turn his head to the right. He said he knows from his studies that Dr. Sarno would say it's nothing. He said that it's still painful though. He said he called his doctor for some muscle relaxers. He said he was so uncomfortable. Robin said she's shocked by him. Howard said that he wasn't able to sleep. Howard said he knows he can get rid of it but he wasn't able to sleep. He said this getting in shape thing is bullshit. He said it's too hard.
Howard said Rosie O'Donnell got a stomach staple thing done. Howard said she looked great at the birthday bash. Howard said she didn't get it stapled but got a sleeve or a ring or something. Howard said they call it a sleeve. Howard said that he has to take a break. They went right after that.
Howard came back and asked what song that was. Fred told him and Howard said he's not a fan of U2. Howard said he downloaded their free song but he never did anything with it. Howard said he doesn't really like it. Fred said it's new.
Howard said he checked out the Black Keys music since they were on the Birthday show. Howard said he got into their second CD they put out. He said that they have a song called ''Leaving Trunk'' and he likes that. Howard said their second CD was very funky. He said they changed their whole style. Howard said he has to talk to Brandano about this. Steve came in and Howard told him what he was thinking about their second CD ''The Big come up.'' Steve said that's their first one actually. Howard said he feels that's their best. Howard said that their song ''Leaving Trunk'' sounds like a hit to him. Steve said the only thing from that album was some song from an HBO show.
Howard had Fred play ''Leaving Trunk'' for him. He really likes that one. Steve was playing air bass with one finger on the wrong hand so Howard goofed on him about that. Howard said that this sounds like a garage band to him. He said it sounds like they're actually in a garage. Fred played a car starting sound for the garage band thing. Howard said he likes this song a lot.
Howard asked Fred to find ''The Big Come Up'' for him. He said that's the name of the album too. Howard asked Steve if he plays bass. Steve said he plays guitar. Fred found a song but it wasn't ''The Big Come Up.'' Howard said that song doesn't exist and he's not sure why he thought it did. Howard said he needs a bass player for the new band he's putting together but Steve doesn't play. Steve said he'll pick it up.
Howard said he's fine with someone talking about him but when you try to change history he's going to call you out. Howard asked JD if he pulled this clip. JD had it for him. Howard said that you have to hear this guy. Howard said he was at CBS Viacom and the head of the company, Joel Hollander, came to him and begged him to re-sign with CBS. Howard said he made a deal to come to satellite radio. He said that's the facts and that's the history. Howard said there were times when they had 23 minutes of commercials during the show. Howard said just listen to what this guy says and ask yourself why they asked him millions to return to the company.
Howard played the clip and this guy Dan Mason was saying that he didn't understand the Howard Stern phenomenon. Howard said he should get a clue. He said that he's such a fucking success that everyone has heard of Dan. Howard said they tried to replace him with like 900 guys and it didn't work. He said Dan should understand it. Howard said this guy just flies under the radar. Howard said he's a complete loser's loser.
Howard played more of the audio and Dan was saying that the advertisers weren't going along with the show anymore so that's why he's not on commercial radio. Howard said that they should go ask Mel Karmazin about that. Howard said that they bought CBS off of his back. Mason was claiming that only young males listened to the show. Howard said 40 percent of their listeners were women.
Mason went on to say that the advertisers were dropping off and a lot of stations had great ratings but weren't able to make money. Howard said that this is called revisionist history. Howard said Dan Mason is a fucking liar. Howard said he can come in that studio and he'll punch him right in the fucking nose. Howard said he can't re-write his legacy.
Howard said Dan Mason was probably one of those management guys who he told to fuck off when he asked for a meeting. Howard said they're all the same scumbags who fired him. He said that they didn't have a clue how to do radio. Howard said you don't fuck with someone who talks to millions of people. He said this guy is a fucking cunt. He said he hates using that word but it seems to cut right to the cunt's head. Howard said he's called him that 4 times and he'll stop now.
Gary said that Bob Mohr was making money hand over fist in Los Angeles. Howard said that it's such an insult that this Dan Mason hasn't done a god damn thing in his career and he's talking about him like this. Howard played more of the audio and they asked Mason about how he'd never make money back for Sirius. Howard said Mason just ignores the question and takes the opportunity to knock him. He said that Mason still thinks that satellite radio is going to fail. Howard said it's proved that it's not going to fail.
Howard said the thing is that he generates millions and millions of dollars. Howard said that he does that so much that his company begged him to stay and sued him when he left. Howard said that some people get on the microphone and suck and some get on and kick ass. He said he's in the second category. Howard said that Mason didn't make nay money off of his show so he's upset. Howard said Dan Mason came in after Joel left. Howard said this guy doesn't understand the phenomenon. Howard said that 1 out of 4 drivers are listening to him and there's nothing to understand there. Howard said Mason has that vocal fry thing going on too. He said that's for chicks.
Howard played the interview clip over again and picked the guy apart sentence by sentence. Howard said that this is the old stance from 8 years ago and he can get over that now. Howard said this guy is out of touch. He said he has no idea what was going on with his show. Robin said that this was the same company that tried to recreate the magic of Howard's show with other shows that ended up getting into trouble. She mentioned The Greaseman and Opie and Anthony.
Howard asked if this guy can be for real. He said he sounds like a moron. He said he's lucky that Sumner Redstone was completely out of it or he'd fire his ass. Howard said people must hate him over there. He said Kevin Weatherly has to answer to this guy.
Gary said he was looking some stuff up and there are a lot of Dan Mason's in radio. He said that he may be a Dan Mason from Nevada and not the Dan Mason from CBS. Howard said he was told it was the Dan Mason from CBS. Howard said if it's not the Dan Mason from CBS then he apologizes. He said this Dan Mason in Nevada is an asshole. Robin said no one knows this Dan Mason. Howard said he wishes that his staff would get this shit straight.
Gary came back in and told Howard this isn't the Dan Mason from CBS. Howard said that he has to get this stuff right. Howard apologized to the Dan Mason at CBS. He said he isn't taking back what he said about the Dan Mason from Nevada. Gary said he was wondering why that Dan Mason from CBS would say this. Howard said they wanted him there at CBS. Robin said this guy probably wanted to be Howard and have the success he had. Gary said he's wondering how he knew about the money thing with the show. Howard said he had no idea.
Howard said that he's sorry he went off on the guy from CBS. He said they should edit that out of future broadcasts.
Howard said that he still sticks with what he said about this other Dan Mason. Howard said if the Dan from CBS ever does this then he's going to go off on him like that. Howard said he's so out of energy now. He said he just screamed about a guy he wasn't even upset with. Howard said now he needs Dan Mason from CBS to call in so he can apologize to him. Howard said someone from the show put this clip up for him to see and he went off on the guy.
JD came in and said that he wrote that it was a program director and he didn't mention CBS. He said he wanted to clear his name. Howard said he was going to have him fired but he's back in. Howard said he thought he wasn't sure if he was a program director or not. Howard said he wants to apologize to the guy now. Howard said he hopes he slept through it.
Howard said that Robin was no help. She jumped right in. Robin said she believed it was that Dan Mason. Howard said that he thought it was the same Dan Mason. Robin said they didn't say it was Dan ''Mad Dog'' Mason at any point.
Howard said he really should cut that last segment out of their future broadcasts. Howard said he doesn't usually do that but he's thinking he should with this one. Howard said a lot of people accused him of killing Anna Nicole Smith but it was Howard K. Smith. Howard said he didn't even kill her.
Howard said Dan Mason is the victim of mistaken identity. Howard said the Dan Mason he hates is in Nevada somewhere and no one even knows who it is. Howard said he was ready for a war though. He said maybe they can get Dan Mason on the phone and apologize. Gary said he's working on getting the Dan Mason on the phone and it turns out that they may be related. He said that one may be the other guy's son. He said he's working on figuring it all out. Howard said maybe he heard that stuff around the house about him so maybe his rant was okay. He said that he may throw another cunt in there depending on how it works out.
Howard said that Sid Caesar died and there was a nice eulogy for him in the paper. Howard said he was reading about how he sold so many TVs. He said the guy started drinking and abused himself after thinking people hated him. He said he never enjoyed life. Robin said he seemed to enjoy the adulation later in life. Robin said people always talked about the show he did. Howard said he couldn't have had that much money.
Howard said he was watching the 50th anniversary for the Beatles. Howard said he liked it. Howard said they tracked down Julian Lennon and he didn't go because he felt it was a big Karaoke contest. Howard said that he was real bitter about it but he gets why. He said that his dad treated him like shit. He said that he didn't do right for his son.
Howard said Joe Walsh was great on the show. He said he thinks he's a great singer. Robin said he is. Howard said Joe doesn't think so though. Robin said singing is delivering a message and he does it so well. Howard said he did a cover of ''While My Guitar Gently Weeps'' and it was great. Howard said they used to have Joe on the show and he was always drunk. He said now he's sober and he was so great on this special. Howard asked if they have the tape. Fred had a clip but it was from the internet. Howard said it sounds like someone taped it off their TV set. Howard let it play until it go to the Joe Walsh part. Howard said you can't hear it too well. Howard said he remembers the guy being on the show and he was always so wasted he could barely stand up. Howard said he was blasted at 8 in the morning. Robin said she was so excited to meet him and he walked in drunk with a Rolling Rock beer in his hand. She said she'll never forget that. Howard said he sounds great now and he plays better than ever.
Howard said they kept showing clips of the screaming girls in the audience from the 1960s. He said they tracked the girls down and they all look like crap. He said not one aged gracefully. Howard said they learned that if you're a Beatles fan you will be fat and ugly. Robin said maybe the fans of Justin Bieber and people like that should take note.
Robin said she saw a bit of a documentary about George Harrison and Eric Clapton was in it. Robin said he was talking about how he and George had a lot in common like liking the same women. Howard said Clapton took Harrison's wife or something. He said that you'd think that Harrison had more clout. Howard said that they have so many women that they feel they can give them up. He said it's like Beth fostering kittens. He said that they get endless pussy. He said that Harrison must have been fine with giving up some pussy for Eric Clapton because there was more pussy out there for him.
Howard said his vacation was ruined because of that Dan Mason thing. Gary told him that he has someone making the call to Dan Mason now. He said he found out that he's not related in any way to that other Dan Mason.
Howard was reading an article about the guy and he can't understand how he makes a living doing what they say he odes. Howard said that the National Enquirer exposed him as being a dead beat dad. Howard said they say that he's supposed to pay like $239 a month and he's not paying that. Howard said the guy isn't even paying that. Robin said that if you hook up with the guy he's not going to have anything. Howard said that they say one of the bachelorettes was a cheerleader and she fucked a guy who got her knocked up and she gets like $100,000 a year in child support. Howard said that they're saying Juan Pablo should pick her because she has money.
Robin said she would love to see the guy explain that to the girls but the show is already taped. Howard said that he has to get the birthday show on TV. He said it was just so great. Howard said they video taped it so they can put it up somewhere. He said that Adam Levine is some guitar player. He said he was great with Purple Rain.
Howard said he's wondering how he can get good at playing a song. He said he's seen Fred play a song and just jam. Fred said that's because he's played for years. Howard said he really has to get into playing guitar. He said he tried to play piano but his teacher ended up killing himself. He said that he doesn't remember anything from that. Howard said he could play keyboard but he wants to play the coolest instrument out there. He said he needs that.
Howard said he starts work on America's Got Talent on Thursday. He said they're going to be judging this Thursday, Friday and Saturday. He said they're the preliminaries. Robin said she didn't even know that the judges were coming back. Howard said he would have told her if something was going on.
Howard asked if he asked Dan if he has ever thought about not liking him because that rant was pretty good. Howard told him to call him back and ask if he ever hated him. He was just joking though. He told Gary not to do that.
Howard said Gary got really tan on vacation. Gary said he loved being there. Howard said he hated going there. He said it was Turks and Caicos. Gary said he had a great time there. He said he went SCUBA diving and had a great time. He said it was the best he's ever done. Howard said he didn't know he did that. Gary said he had the tank on his back and he was 50 feet under and loved it. Howard said he thought he had to get lessons for that. Gary said he was down there for 40 minutes. He said it's so beautiful down there.
Robin said she thought Fred was certified. Fred said he's not but he would like to be. Howard said he almost called Fred over vacation. He said he knew if he got started it would be hard to get out of it.
Gary asked if he was in town for the 12 inch snow. Howard said he came back just in time for it. Howard said Beth had to come back to do some work for Entertainment Tonight. Howard said Beth was at the Westminster show and she interviewed a few people. He said she was really busy with that. He said he came back for her even though she doesn't have to work.
Howard asked Gary what he got for his wife for Valentine's day. Gary said they didn't get anything. He said they came back late and the next day he was shoveling snow off his roof. Howard said they say that they're up to the 8th worst winter of all time. Gary said they say that they're getting close to getting to number 5 worst of all time.
Howard asked Gary why he was on his roof. Gary said he had almost $30,000 worth of damage a few years ago from the snow melting and coming in the house. Gary said he had to get the snow off the roof and he had to go up there to do it himself. He said the roof he was working on wasn't that high up. He said it didn't have a steep pitch either. Howard said he saw pictures of him up there. Howard said they'll probably get 2 months of good weather this summer and it'll be over again. Howard said he has to take a break but he's not sure why. He said they should do away with commercials.
Howard said he's trying to learn calligraphy. He said he's not sure where to go to learn it. He said he wants to be a scribe with a hat and a quill. He said Beth thinks he's nuts trying to figure it out. He said he wants to learn how to do it. He said he thinks it's a beautiful art that's been lost. Howard said he wrote a short story the other day too. He said it was about a boy who grows a rhino horn out of his foot. He said it sucked and he'll never release it. Howard said he gave it a lot of time though. He said that he may still develop it. He said that he realized that the story was written a hundred years ago.
Howard said the kid gets annoyed but won't go to a doctor for it. He said he's in denial about it. Howard said that the guy is a married guy and he's an older guy. He said the thing is like a deer antler and it's sticking out of his foot. Howard said the guy tries to squeeze it out but it won't come out. He said the guy wakes his wife up and tells her about it but he's afraid she's going to look at him like a monster. He said that the guy just wants to go running but he can't get his running shoes on. He said that the horn is split so it's kind of a hybrid of both an antler and a rhino horn. Howard said that the story is about his inner monster coming out on the outside. He said the guy's name is Dan Mason but it's not the Dan Mason from CBS but the one from Nevada. Howard went to break a short time later.
Robin said she was reading about how ABBA used to wear weird clothes and they did that for tax purposes. Howard said he should do that. He said he'd love to do that. He said they should all dress the same. Howard said he had no idea ABBA had a tax thing going on.
Howard said maybe they can buy the old ABBA outfits. Robin said she had to show Howard something. She came hobbling in and Howard said she broke a toe a few weeks ago and she just broke another one. Robin showed Howard the picture and Howard said he sees whose outfit Fred should be wearing. Howard said one guy is dressed like bowie. Howard said they're cool Superhero outfits. Howard read an article Robin gave him about how they were wearing the outfits as a way to get around taxes. Howard said they walked around like super heroes to avoid paying taxes.
Howard read the word ''sartorial'' in the article and he wasn't sure what it meant. Benjy said it means ''Of or relating to tailoring, clothes, or style of dress.'' Howard read more of the article about how they got around paying taxes in Sweden by wearing those outfits. Howard said they should do the same thing and move to Sweden.
Howard said that's pretty cool. He said he didn't know that. Robin said she just read that article and she was thinking Nick was up to the same thing with his outfits.
Howard said he has tape of a 17 year old girl talking about how she can't help herself and she has to give guys blow jobs. Howard played the clip and said this is a white chick even though she has that street accent. Howard played the clip and the girl was talking about how she doesn't know why she sucks dick but she likes doing it and she can't help it. She said that she tried to stop but she can't. She's addicted. Robin said she's addicted to sucking dick. Howard asked Robin if she likes it. Robin said if she likes the person sure. Howard said that she's not sure how people would know this girl was doing it so much. Robin said she must be advertising it or something.
JD said that the girl was saying that she'll blow guys behind the mall so guys will call her and get that. Howard played more of the audio and the girl was saying that she did two people that day. She said she's just keeping it real. Howard said she thinks she's not doing it that much after doing two guys that day. Howard said just imagine what she was doing before. The girl said that she's going to stop doing it and she's not sure when she'll do it again. She said she needs to be left alone so she can do her own thing.
Howard said that there is a lot of weird stuff going on out there. He said that's the fabric of this country. Howard said Dr. Phil has her on a plane already. He said it would be great if she sucked off Dr. Phil.
Howard said he had another one from a guy who threw it into an interview he was doing on a local news report. Howard played that clip and the guy was being asked about hackers and how easy it can be to get into a computer. The guy, Vinnie, said that some passwords are just too easy like ''BabaBooey123'' and things like that.
Howard said he has clips of the late night guys talking about Jay Leno. He had a clip of Conan talking about Jay but joking about it. He said that he wishes that Conan would come out and say what he's really feeling about Jay. Howard said that he wants Conan to come out and call Jay a cunt. Howard said that everyone is civilized with their structured jokes. Howard said that he's the only one who emotes. Then he has to apologize. Robin said maybe that's why they don't do it.
Howard said that they told Dan Mason they're not going to air the segment anymore about him. Howard said that they don't want to confuse anyone.
Howard said that Ashton Kutcher was on Jimmy Kimmel. Howard played a clip where Ashton was talking about being on 2 and a Half Men after Charlie Sheen left. Ashton said that he thinks that Charlie Sheen should give it a rest already because he's still talking about him on twitter 3 years later.
Howard said he has tape from the Miss Arkansas pageant from 2010. It was a clip of this woman singing really poorly. Howard said you have to hear it. Howard played the clip and it was a woman by the name of Naomi Shore. She was singing horribly off key. Howard said that was her greatest talent. Howard said that gets him ready for judging again on AGT. He said that if he gets someone like that he's going to tell them that they just have to go home. Howard said they're just not that good.
Robin said she remembers that one girl who was a dancer and she started yelling at Howard when he said she wasn't good. Howard said that's the best.
Howard took a call from Bobo who he saw at the birthday show. Howard said his big face was very prominent. Howard said he almost had a heart attack when he thought he wasn't going to get in. Howard said he has to be like every other listener and just calm down. Bobo said he just loves the show. Howard said there are a lot of extreme fans out there. Robin said Bobo thinks he does stuff for the show. Howard asked what he does though. Howard said the stuff he does he does for himself. Bobo said that his argument is that he devotes 4-5 hours a day and he doesn't work the show in around his schedule. Howard said he's going to end up having a nervous break down over the show. Bobo said that's his passion. Robin asked if he'll be just as bad at the next event. Bobo said he doesn't think so. He said he was to the mountain top with the birthday show.
Bobo said that he liked Howard and Jerry on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. Howard said it was kind of weird. He said it was like being on a date with him. He said he taped for like 4 hours and they only used like 13 minutes. He said that was kind of strange too. He said he enjoyed it though. He said he likes Jerry a lot.
Bobo said all of his notes got ruined. He started to explain what he meant but Howard hung up on him. Howard said the guy records how long he's on the phone with them. Howard said the guy is crazy. He said he should take a break. Fred said he should. Howard said Fred used to tell him when he should break. Fred said he thinks that they shouldn't have to take breaks.
Howard asked Fred what he did over vacation because he wanted to call him and ask to teach him guitar. Fred said he should have called. He said that he is helping his daughter how to play violin even though he doesn't know how to play. He said his daughter is already better than he is. Howard said they say that it's the most difficult to learn. Fred said it really is. He said she's sticking with it though. He said he's not forcing her to stick with it either. Howard said his parents forced him to stick with the piano thing. He said that the guy begged his mother to let him stop. Howard said
Howard said he went to the Mont Blanc store and bought a pen with an ink well. Robin said that's horrible. Howard said if you get a good pen you don't have any drips. Robin said that she used to have that when she was a kid and it was awful. Howard said he was in the store for like an hour. He said he got upset with them when they only showed him the most expensive pens. He said they have like 5 million pens and he didn't know what to go with. He said he doesn't know himself that well. He said he knows that he has an inkwell and he's like a scribe. Howard said he should have those clothes with the bell at the end of the shoes. Howard said he's going to grow a long moustache he can curl and twirl.
Gary came in and told Howard that he goofed on him for listening to Vinyl but now he's using a pen and inkwell. Howard said Gary is listening to music on a record player and the technology has moved on. Howard said he's creating something with this pen and inkwell. Robin said the tech has moved on with that as well. Robin said he should churn butter too. Howard said he doesn't eat butter. Gary said that it's a treat. He said he loves butter once in a while. Howard said he has a belly so he should stop eating that stuff. Gary said he'd rather have a belly and have butter than be a skeleton and not have butter.
Howard said that he should stop goofing on Gary because he did such a great job with the birthday show. Gary said he gave him 2 weeks off so he kept his word. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said for a couple of days straight he had perfect doody. He said that's been going on for a week or two now. He said that one of them was in two pieces. He said that he thinks it should be in one. Robin said it probably came out as one. Howard said it may have but it crashed and broke.
Howard said they say you should look at your doody to see if you're healthy. Howard said he stopped looking for a while because it was such a mess. He said he's pretty proud of himself now. He said he thinks that more young people should listen to him. He said he almost took a picture of it and tweeted it. Robin said she doesn't want to see that. He said he wiped one day and the paper was almost clear. He said that's how good his doody is. Howard said that he imagines the prefect booger next.
Howard said he even told Beth about it. He said they don't usually share about that stuff. Howard said they have a blind cat that they took in and she has the stinkiest shits. Howard said that Beth was talking about how stinky they were and he told Beth that she's going to get healthy and her doody won't smell much like himself. He said he told her about his perfect bowel movement and she was impressed. Howard said he's proud.
Robin said that her cat Leroy used to shit smelly shits but now you can live with him. She said that there must be something about junkyard cats.
Howard went into his impression of his mother and told Robin she's doing too much. Howard said she doesn't do anything but she'll tell you when you're doing something wrong. Howard said his mother only does one thing a day. He said that she'd tell Robin she's doing the wrong thing. He had Ray saying there is no such thing as a mistake. She said that it's telling Robin that she has to slow down and think about what she's doing. Howard stayed in the voice for a while and told Robin she has to think about the right things. He had Ray saying that she's too busy to think about things. Howard had her calling Ben ''Berrel'' so Robin asked what that's about. Ray told her that's what she calls her husband. It's Ben's Yiddish name. Howard had Ben saying that Ray's Yiddish name is Ruchul. Robin said she wasn't aware of that. Howard had Ray saying that she does know that but she's trying to be funny.
Robin said the last time she was supposed to do ''Watch What's Happening Live'' she had a broken toe. She said that's the show with Andy Cohen on it. Howard had Ben and Ray asking what that is. Howard had them getting all confused about what that show was. Howard kept interrupting Robin when she'd try to tell the story about breaking her toe the last time she was supposed to do the show. Robin said she was supposed to do that show last time and she had a broken toe. Howard interrupted with Ben and Ray talking over her again. They were confused about who the host was and what show it was. Robin said she canceled last time when she broke her left toe and now she's doing a taping tonight and she has a broken toe on her right foot this time.
Howard had Ray telling her not to do the show. She told Robin that she's doing too much. She told Robin to watch her own life and not worry about Andy Cohen. Gary said he thought she didn't do it last time because she forgot she was going to be on. Robin said that's not why. She said she broke her toe. Howard let his mom go and asked if he needed another break. Fred said they're good for now.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he eats to have that perfect doody. Howard said yesterday he had egg whites with spinach and peppers. He had a half of a whole wheat bagel too. He had a grapefruit and one of those GNC shakes. He said he asked them not to put sugar in it. Howard said it's the peanut butter smoothie with almond milk in it. Howard said he had to ask them not to put sugar in it. He said that he had some protein powder in that. Howard said for dinner he had steamed salmon, pea pods and steamed egg plant and string beans with a little sauce on side. He said he had an apple later on. Howard said he had the apple around 8 o'clock. He said he guarantees he'll have a beautiful bowel movement later today. The caller said he wants to look like Howard and it's tough to do that perfect doody. He said he wants to be rock star skinny. Howard said that's what he is. He said he's down to nothing. Howard said that he wears a size 34 pants. He said even teenagers don't wear that.
Howard said Clay Aiken is running for congress. He said that they're trying to smear him already. He said they took clips of Clay and made him say rude things. Howard played the clip that the guys made using audio clips of Clay.
Howard played a sexy Valentine tip from Ronnie the Limo Driver. In that clip Ronnie suggested going out and buying chocolate covered strawberries and stick one in your girl's ass and then eat it out of there. He said it'll look like shit on their mouth but it's just chocolate. Howard said he's going to throw up from that. Robin asked why everything is about the ass with him.
Howard said Ronnie claims that his shits are so long that he has to flush while he's shitting. Howard said he wonders how that can be. He said he told Ronnie about his perfect shit and Ronnie filled him in on that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the birthday show was awesome. He asked if he ever gets mad when people make comments about his looks and not getting laid until he had money. Howard said that he actually did get laid. He said the looks thing is true. He said he can't argue with any of that. Robin said she thinks that he's getting better looking as he gets older. Howard said he thinks that he's just a better looking rat. He said Robin has a pretty face. He said Fred is a good looking guy and even Benjy is good looking. He said he can look good himself but only at a certain angle.
Howard said he was listening to the birthday show and the song that Sarah Silverman did was so great. He said that she's such a great writer. Howard said that song was amazing. He said Lena Dunham was great at the show too. Howard said he liked that they joked about him at the show. He said that Lena said he looks like Rhea Perlman. Howard said he thought that she was right. Howard said he thought Lena was really funny.
Howard had a list of his favorite Jimmy Kimmel's lines. He said he emailed it to Jimmy and he should see if he can find it in his sent mail. Howard said he wants to read that list.
Howard looked in his mail for the email and saw something from Bubba the Love Sponge. He said he's changing his email address. He said he loves Bubba. The caller asked if he was at the birthday show. Howard said he wasn't.
Howard tried searching for the email but he wasn't able to find it. He said he has a million of them in there. He said he can't find it in his sent folder. He said he wishes he could find it. Howard said he found the one where he told Jimmy about his perfect bowel movement. Howard had to go to break after that. He did a live commercial first and then went to break.
Robin started off with a story about Kim Jong Un and how his atrocities are as bad as Hitler's. Howard said they're right. Robin said they say there may be up to 120,000 political prisoners over there. She said the only way to get out is by dying. Robin said they say that some people die in prison and they're eaten by rats. Howard read an article about a woman who was in prison and pregnant. When the baby was born secret police agent came in and told them to turn the baby upside down and drown it. That's what they did. They didn't let the woman keep her baby. Robin read some other details about what goes on over there in North Korea. Howard said it's so sad what goes on in these other countries. Howard said this is why Dennis Rodman has to stop going over there. He said that Rodman thinks that we do the same things here in the States but it's just not true. Howard said that you might be a conspiracy theorist and think that's true but it's not. Robin said she doesn't think that Dennis going to rehab had anything to do with that. She said he just went to get his life back in order.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was mean to him on the phone and he hopes he can forgive him. Howard told the guy to fuck off. He knew who it was and hung up on him. He said he wasn't in the mood.
Robin said that she's consumed with the new season of House of Cards. Howard said he has to get into that but he has to figure out how to watch it. He said it's too complicated. Robin said he should figure it out like he figured out Amazon.com. Howard said he just found out that you can tell Amazon to donate to a charity and the North Shore Animal League is one of them. He said that's what he's been doing lately. He said he's looking forward to their drone deliveries too. He said he needs it within an hour. He said it would be so great if he ordered something and it just came to his window an hour later. Robin said there are drones being used to record teams playing games and things like that. Howard said he ordered some pens and calligraphy stuff and he hasn't gotten it yet. He said these phases don't last that long so he hopes they come soon.
Robin read that The X-Factor was canceled. Howard said he's not surprised. He said the ratings weren't that good. Howard said that Jon Hein could give them an update on all of that. Howard said that guy loves TV. Howard said he's built like a guy who lives TV. Howard had Jon come in. He asked what size his jeans are. Jon said they're a 38. Howard asked how that can be. Jon said he's had them for a long time. He said he wears either 38 or a 40. He said his hips are huge. Howard asked what the American Idol ratings were. Jon said they're not great. He said they're still in the top 20 but not at number 1. He said the Olympics are screwing everything up because they're getting all the ratings. Jon said that the X-Factor wasn't doing so well.
Howard asked Jon what his bowel movements look like. Jon said they're nothing like Howard's. He said he heard Ronnie talking about his and they're so long he has to flush during his movement. Howard told Jon to send Ronnie in there.
Robin said that the new HBO series True Detective is really good. Howard said that's what everyone is telling him. Robin said there is a lot to take in. Howard said the best is Banshee. Howard said he likes The Walking Dead too.
Ronnie came in so Howard asked what's up with him shitting so long that he has to flush while he's shitting. Ronnie said he was telling Shuli about the shit and when he shits he has to flush or he'll stuff it up. He said that he's not eating that much. He said most of the time he has to flush while he's going. Howard said he's not sure if that's good or bad. Ronnie said he craps once a day usually. He said it's ready to come out when he goes. He said that it's really long though. Howard asked how long he thinks it would be. Ronnie said it curls up and comes out of the water. Howard said it's like a snake. Howard said that's weird. Ronnie said now he flushes so it goes straight down like a snake.
Howard asked what he's eating. Ronnie said he has yogurt for breakfast and sometimes some lunch. He said he has a salad and chicken for dinner. He said he has no idea where this long shit comes from. Ronnie said they're real long. He said they scare him sometimes. He said Bubba used to measure them on his show. He said he thinks he'd win. Howard asked how much money he could win. Ronnie said he's not sure. Howard said he'll put Ronnie up against his guys any day. He told Gary to get on this.
Ronnie said he thinks that Bubba used to win the contests. He said he thinks he had a 16 inch long shit. Ronnie said he thinks he could come close to that. Howard said they may catch Bubba cheating with some kind of relaxant.
Ronnie said there are times that the shit will clog up the toilet. He said he has to run behind the toilet and shut the water off so it doesn't overflow. He said he has to get the plunger to get it out of there. Howard said he's confused about the plunger. He said it gets full of doody. Robin said she cleans hers when that happens. Howard said his ends up being full of shit. Robin said she sterilizes hers. Howard asked how she does that. Robin said she sprays in the bathroom. Howard said she'd make a great wife. He said he has to marry her off this year. Howard let Ronnie go and did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about George Zimmerman being in the news while they were away. Robin said that he was going to fight someone in a celebrity boxing match. Howard said they were going to have him on with DMX. Robin said it wasn't DMX it was someone else. Howard said it was DMX. Robin said it was not. Howard said he knows it was. Robin said she has seen many reports about this and it wasn't DMX. Howard said that The Game's name was floated for a while but it was DMX. Howard told her to trust him. Robin said she was thinking it was The Game. Robin said that is still in flux and no one is sure if it's going to happen. Robin said some other business guy came along and said they wanted to fight him bare knuckle. Robin said that Zimmerman left Miami in a hurry when a bounty was put on him for his death.
Robin read a story about a report about New Yorkers who are ready for marijuana to be legalized. Robin said that they want it there and they may be moving toward medical marijuana. Howard asked if they still bust people for marijuana. Robin said that the casual user may not be busted but the growers might. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how 1 in 4 people don't know that the earth circles the sun. Robin said she's not sure how the questioned these people though. Howard said that they probably just asked if they think it does. Howard said that he thinks the earth is flat.
Robin said Apple outsold Windows PCs for the first time globally. Howard said he gets it. He said he rarely has to reboot his Apple. He said he had a lot of issues with his Windows PCs. He said they weren't easy. Howard said he's not sure if Bill Gates cares. He said that they did just bring him back though. Howard said he wishes they'd come out with something cool but they're saying they're bringing out a watch. He said he doesn't want that. He said it would be cool if he could check stuff on his watch but he's not sure that's all that cool.
Robin read about how Woody Allen is having a hard time now that the accusations of child molestation have come out. Robin said his adopted daughter Dylan has accused him of molestation. Robin said that Woody has had some fall out over this. He went to a Broadway musical and someone said ''I think he did it'' during the show. Howard wondered why he didn't just say ''He did it!'' Robin said it might be a legal thing. Robin said there's going to be something on Broadway based on one of his movies. Howard said he thought they were going to base the play on the molestation accusations. Howard started to sing about all of that. Robin said Zach Braff is in the middle of all of that. She said that he's going to be in the Bullets over Broadway play. Howard said he has to go see that. He said Zach is a good dude.
Robin read a story about someone who was hit by a train and lived. Robin said her name is Liza Dye. Howard said life is strange. She lived but her name is Dye. Robin said Zach Braff helped raise some money to help the woman out with her medical bills.
Robin read a story about the sequel to Sharknado that's going to be made. Howard said that he hopes they are bringing back Ian Ziering. Robin said SyFy said that they are bringing in bigger stars for the second one. Howard said that they should give him a cameo at least. Robin said he actually is coming back. She said that Tara Reid is even coming back. Howard said Ian got eaten but he chain sawed his way out. Robin read some of the names of the people who are going to be in the next one and Mark McGrath was among the other stars. Judd Hirsch and Vivica A Fox were also on the list. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a woman who claims that she's killed at least 22 people by getting people through Craigslist. Robin said this 19 year old lured people through ads on the service. Robin said that they are looking into some crimes around the country.
Howard said they're thinking about making a sequel to Tardnado too. He played the original Tardnado commercial parody they did. Howard said anything Nado he'll watch.
Robin read about Pussy Riot being accused of robbery. Robin said they were arrested not far from Sochi. Robin said they are at it once again. Robin had one of their songs for Howard to play. Howard said they suck. He said they have to go back to Russia because no one cares about them here. Howard said he can't find the Jackie song to go along with it. Howard said they took it down already. Gary said JD thought they were done with it. Howard told Gary to tell JD not to think about things so much. He played the Jackie song that he played earlier in the show. Fred added a buzzer sound effect with the song because Jackie's guitar sounded so off.
Robin had Howard play some music from the game Candy Crush. Robin said the company behind the game is going public. Robin said they have filed papers to offer an IPO. Robin said they'll be under the name KING on the NY Stock Exchange. Howard asked what you do in the game. Robin said she has no idea. She said she just hears people talking about it.
Robin said that Facebook has discovered that they can predict when someone is going to get into a relationship before the people even know. Robin said they can predict it up to 100 days before they change their relationship status.
Robin read a story about Toyota working on hardware to charge a battery powered car without plugging it in. Robin said they are field testing it this year. Robin said they hope to have it out in a few years.
Robin said Jimmy Fallon did his first Tonight Show last night. Robin said he thanked the previous host in his monologue. Robin had a couple of clips for Howard to play. Howard played some audio of Jay's last night as host of the show too. Howard said he actually appeared human when he broke down while thanking people for watching. Jay talked about losing his mom, his dad and his brother just years after starting the show. Jay said after that he was pretty much out of family. He said his co-workers became his family. Howard said they must not like Jay over there. He said NBC has told him to do whatever he wants there. He said they keep throwing Jay out. He said that's some family he has over there. Howard said Letterman talked about Jay too. Jay was the host of the Tonight Show for 22 years. Robin asked how long Dave has been doing his show. Howard said he's been doing it for 32. Howard said he told them that at the birthday show. Howard played some audio of Dave talking about Jay being on their old show like 40 times.
Robin read a story about JK Rowling putting out a book under another name. Robin said that name is Robert Galbraith.
Robin read about how a restaurant was serving burgers made of human flesh in Nigeria. Howard said that's why he won't leave this country and stays home. Robin said they found two human heads wrapped in cellophane. Robin said they won't say the name of the restaurant. Howard said they should. They ended the show a short time later. They were done around 10:25am.
Jon said that Howard was talking about his confusion about the late night talk shows and his confusion about who to follow. Gary said he thinks that Jimmy Kimmel is their guy but Howard may do the other shows and it doesn't seem like those guys hate each other. He said it'll be interesting to see what happened in a year though. Jon said that someone may piss off another guy and that's what the audience wants. Gary said it used to be just Johnny Carson and then Joan Rivers got a show but Johnny put a stop to that.
Gary said that he was talking to someone about the ratings that they used to get in late night and how Dave is probably the last of that generation. He said that kind of thing may not happen ever again.
Gary said that he sees the best of the stuff that Kimmel and Fallon do when he watches it on the internet. He can't stay up late enough to watch those shows. Jon asked what show Howard is going to do. Gary said he thinks that Dave is Howard's guy and Jimmy Kimmel understands that. Jon said that Howard tried to do a 20 minute monologue this morning and it was very tiring. He said he couldn't last the whole 20 minutes.
Jon asked Steve Brandano about doing the air guitar thing with the Black Keys this morning. Steve said he was just tapping his finger. He said he wasn't even playing air bass. He said he was almost just drumming. Jon asked if he has immense pride that Howard has come around with that whole Black Keys thing. Steve said he didn't think that he had to do anything and they would have won Howard over on their own. He said that's what happened. He said he was right that they would win him over though.
Jon said it does feel good when you get Howard to come around on something. Gary said it's great but then something goes bad and it's the opposite.
Gary said he was listening to the birthday show on the way into work this morning. He said that he thought for that moment when the Black Keys played it set the tone for what they were going to be doing. He said he thought it was a cool surprise for the show. Jon said they delivered too.
Gary asked how many records they have out. Steve said they have at least 5. He said that the last few have kicked ass and brought them to the next level.
Gary saw Matt LeBlanc in the hall so he tried to wave him in. Matt didn't come in. Gary said that he tried to get him on the show but he didn't want to do it. Jon said he is in the bathroom if he wants to try to get him. Gary said that would be like an episode of ''Episdoes.''
Jon asked Gary about him comparing Howard writing with a pen and inkwell to his vinyl records. Gary said he's really into the vinyl lately. He said he's all about it now. Steve said Gary is the vinyl guy now and he's getting a bunch of cool stuff. Gary said he got a test pressing of a Natalie Maines record. He said that is pretty cool. Gary said he thinks that Robin was on his side in that argument but she wasn't willing to take it to a fight.
Jon asked how long they think Howard will stick with the guitar and calligraphy thing. Gary said he thinks that he's not sure about the calligraphy thing. He said Howard has said he wants to be a better guitar player. He said in the past 6 months he's gotten some really cool guitars. He said he got one from Donovan, Slash and one from McCartney. He said he has a lot of really cool guitars.
Jon said that Howard will have to practice a lot to become a good guitar player. Gary asked Steve how long he's been playing. Steve said he's been doing it since he was a freshman in high school. He said you have to play chords over and over and over. He said you just have to play a lot. Gary said it's harder to do when you get older too. Jon said you need a lot of time. He said you don't have that when you get older.
Steve said Howard playing Old man was fairly decent. He said he could learn others. Steve said if you keep going then you'll figure it out and keep learning. Steve said that he won't be in Howard's new band though. He said that he thinks that they saw right through what he was trying to do when he said he'd learn bass.
Jon asked Gary if he's upset he hasn't been asked to be in a band. Gary said he's not. He said he's really not good. He said he did get to play with John Entwhistle once. He said they did that back at K-Rock for some event.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's 58 years old and he inherited a guitar from his brother. He said he started lessons in the summer and it's not easy. He said he practices at least a half hour every day. He said he thinks Howard sounded really good this morning.
Jon said that you can pick up things once you learn. Steve said there's this thing called Rocksmith for video game consoles. He said he saw it at CES and it's amazing. He said that he got a copy and it's like next level guitar teaching.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard is picking up these hobbies and he may retire at the end of his contract. Gary said he disagrees. He said that he thinks that Howard has gotten to an age where he wants to try things that he's always wanted to try. He said that he has to try them now or he'll never try them. Jon said that he's on a break and he's giving it a shot. He said they'll see how it goes over the next few weeks.
Gary said he took some golf lessons. He said he used to hate playing but now he wants to go out and play. He said that's the kind of thing you do when you get older. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Gary was shoveling his roof when he got home. Gary said that his gutters freeze up and the water has nowhere to go so the water comes into your house. He said that he had to get the snow and ice off his roof. Gary said he found a place that's going to put in some heated things in your gutter and it melts the ice so it doesn't freeze.
Ronnie came in and Jon asked what the problem is with him today. Ronnie said there is no problem. Ronnie said there is no problem.
Jon said he wanted to know about the bowel movement thing. Ronnie said it's been that way for a while. He said he never really thought about it until Bubba was on the show talking about it. Gary said he remembers Bubba telling stories when they were hanging out for his wedding and Bubba had to wipe his ass with towels because he was so fat. Ronnie said his stories are insane.
Jon said Howard talked about his perfect bowel movements. Ronnie asked how you know that. He asked if you read up about it. Jon said apparently so. Ronnie said all he knows is that he was clogging up the bowl. Ronnie said he has to flush so he doesn't clog the toilet. He said if he doesn't do that then his shit fills up the hole there and stops it up. Gary said it shouldn't be so hard that it clogs it. Ronnie said it's so big that it clogs it.
Jason asked if he cuts it before he flushes. Ronnie said no. Jon said he's confused too. He asked him to give details. Ronnie said as the shit is coming out, before it hits the water, he flushes. He said if he doesn't do that then the shit fills up the toilet. Ronnie said if it does clog it then he has to turn the water off before it over flows.
Jason said that he imagines it like a clown's handkerchief coming out of his sleeve and it never ends. Jon asked how he's getting up to do the other things if he's flushing when he's shitting. Ronnie said he waits. He said he can pinch it off and get behind the toilet to shut the valve off. Jon asked how many times he's over flowed the toilet. Ronnie told him not to ask. Jon said he is asking. Ronnie told him not to.
Ronnie said he had an incident once. He said he filled the bowl up and he went to wipe his ass and hit the shit with his hand. He said the shit was so piled up that it hit his hand. He said it freaked him out.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he doesn't believe this. He said that he has to tweet out a picture so they can put it on the web site. Ronnie said he's not making this up and he would never make something like that up.
Ronnie said he has to go now but he's holding it in. He said he won't be home until later and he won't go until then.
Jon took a call from a guy who said they have to stop talking about shit. Ronnie said it wasn't his idea. He said Jon wanted to talk about it. The caller said they just have to stop. He said they have to have something better to talk about.
Gary said that he and his buddies used to talk about their shits when they were kids. He said they used to call it a 721 Tire when they'd take a big one.
Ronnie said a 2 bowler is one that you fill up the toilet more than once. Shuli said it's also called Soft Serve.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he only goes every couple of days. He said that he builds up and then it call comes out. He said this has been going on for years.
Shuli said that Ronnie is the only one who has to do this stuff. He said he talked to Will and Jason and they don't have this problem. They had to take a break a short time later.
Jon asked if this is odd to Ronnie that she's getting banged up. Ronnie said it's weird and it's very constant. He said that he's never broken a bone. He said he almost cut his finger off once but that's about it.
Jon told Gary about what Howard had Ben and Ray telling Robin to do and how she shouldn't do so much. Gary said they would have you never leave the house.
Jon asked if Robin is the most fragile one on the show. Gary said he thinks so. He said Howard has hurt himself a couple of times.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if they are looking for a replacement for Howard. Gary asked who he thinks would be grooming someone. The caller said maybe Howard would. He said that maybe Howard would have someone in mind to replace him. Gary said if he was Howard he'd say there is only one Howard and he wouldn't want anyone to be anywhere near him.
Gary said when Howard left terrestrial radio they had David Lee Roth and other guys who were supposed to replace Howard. He said Chris Rock was one of them and he even said that 4 hours a day would be too much. Jon said you don't want to follow Howard. He said it's very difficult to be in that chair. Gary said someone came after Howard at WNBC and he failed miserably. He said it was Joey Reynolds. He said David Lee Roth followed Howard after he left at K-Rock and that didn't go well. He said that they thought they had it covered but that was a tall order.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks about retiring. Ronnie said he isn't ready to do that. He said that he thinks he could retire depending on where he moved to. Gary said that he remembers Ronnie telling them to retire to Port St. Lucie, Florida because it's so cheap down there.
Gary said that he thinks that Howard is putting a lot of work and effort into this show and he thinks it's more than you'd put into the show if you were getting to the end of your career. Ronnie said he doesn't think Howard could sit home every day. He said he thinks he would go crazy. Gary said he seems to enjoy his time off. He said he's not thrilled to be back when they do come back. He said Howard never seems thrilled to be there but that also seems to fuel the show.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks Jackie really wants to be the Bruce Springsteen of Long Island. Gary said that's already Billy Joel. Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks Jackie wants that. Ronnie said Jackie just wants to be Jackie Somebody. Jon said that was very well said and he thinks they'll end the show on that. The guys got in their plugs and ended the show aroudn 11:15am.
Howard started the show taking a call from a guy who said Joe Walsh was terrific on the Beatles tribute. He said Dave Grohl did a great cover of ''Hey Bulldog'' too. Howard told Fred to play the original version. Howard said this guy is right about that cover. The guy told him he has to have calluses on his fingers when he plays guitar too. Howard said he's working on it. Fred told him it'll take about a month. He said it's going to hurt too.
Fred played the original ''Hey Bulldog'' so Howard stayed quiet for a short time. He said he loves that song. The caller said they should pull the Dave Grohl version to play too. Howard said the quality is never good on the internet. Fred said they end up pulling it off the internet. He said he often finds ''Content has been deleted.''
Howard said he was watching The Walking Dead and he loves that they rarely talk in it. He said it's like a silent film at times. Howard said they're killing it with that show. He said the viewership is huge with the show too. Howard said it's a great show. Howard said when they say at the beginning of the Walking Dead they have a two screen experience. Robin said she's not sure what that is. Howard said Jon Hein will know. Robin said she tried to do it once but she didn't get anywhere.
Howard asked Jon Hein if he tried it. Jon said he hasn't tried it but he knows what it is. He said it syncs with your computer and TV. He said it's like foot notes about the show while you're watching. Howard said that sounds annoying. Jon said he wants one screen. He said maybe if you're watching it a second time you can use that extra information. Howard said you should put it together for yourself. He said you can figure it out on your own.
Jon said that if you're bored with the scene maybe that would help. He said he never gets bored though. He said the show is great. Robin said the show Banshee has a whole other thing going on with webisodes. Jon said that's a whole other thing. Robin said she's not sure why they don't have that stuff in the show instead of making it on the web.
Richard came in and said that they have a special feature thing in some movies where you hold up your iPad during a movie to add to the experience. He said he didn't go when he saw that going on. Howard said he'd want to smack someone for doing that.
Robin said that show Banshee they tell the story in many places. Robin said she wants it where she's watching.
Howard picked up the guitar and said he's working on playing Bowie's ''Star Man.'' He played a little bit of that and explained the song. Howard said that Bowie is brilliant. He said this chord doesn't really exist but Bowie plays this thing that doesn't really exist. Howard said that he's breaking the line there. Howard said he has to talk to Sal and Richard about this. He said that they have to think outside the box. Howard said they don't really need to have just their own shit on the walls. Howard said they have to say to themselves that they don't play by the rules. Howard said that you'd laugh at Bowie if you saw him playing the wrong chord. He said that it works though. He said the artists are the ones that create the new rules because they think outside the box. Howard said it's brilliant. He said they all have to think like that.
Howard said when you look at the guitar you have to wonder what the right tuning is. He said that Leslie West plays with an Open D tuning and that works for him.
Howard said Johnny cash played ''Hurt'' in his own way. Howard said he has to try and remember how to play it. He demonstrated how he played it. Howard said he can't remember the chords. Howard started to sing it but didn't remember the lyrics. Howard said maybe a lot of these guitar players are shitty at playing but they end up sounding great. He said they're thinking outside the box.
Howard said it's so hot in there. He said today he walked out and it was pretty decent out. Robin said that they're saying you might get hit by falling ice today. Howard said he isn't going outside today.
Howard said he's supposed to work out but his neck hurts. He said he knows it's pressure from AGT starting this week. He said his head is on fire. He said he wishes he had an on/off switch in his brain so he could turn it off. Robin said you can do that. Howard said he hasn't learned that mechanism yet. He said that's why he's in therapy. Howard said he has told Benjy about saying no to himself about not wearing a duck outfit. He said he finds it hard to say no to himself a lot. Howard said he wonders if Benjy wants to get rid of that pressure because he does.
Robin said that it's about controlling your brain. Howard asked Benjy if he hears that. Benjy said he likes the part where you focus on making people comfortable. He said that's a good piece of advice. Howard said he forgot about that one already. He said at least Benjy is listening to him though. He said he sure isn't listening to himself.
Howard said they have an Impression Contest coming up. He said if you can do an impression of anyone famous or anyone from the show you can enter. Howard said that you can find out more at SiriusXM.com/Howard. Howard said there's a $5,000 grand prize for that.
JD said there's also a portable catheter commercial. Howard said it makes you feel good about being healthy watching that stuff. Howard said he doesn't want to hear about that stuff because he doesn't want to catch any of it. Howard said he has to block out the sound by moaning.
JD said they have a lot of gold commercials on there too. Howard said FOX News is like the Apocalypse. He said William Devane comes on and sells gold. Howard said that he talks about how he worked hard for his money and you ask yourself if he really did. He was acting. Howard said you think it's the end of the world watching that channel. He said you think about it and you realize that there are enough women shaving their face that they can do a commercial for it. Howard said it's too much to bare.
Howard said a lot of people wrote about how they enjoyed his monologue yesterday. Robin said he may have to do a 20 minute monologue every day. Howard said he doesn't know if he can do it again but he will if he has to. Howard read some of the email he got from the fans about that. Howard said they were saying it was very funny. Howard said maybe he'll start doing a monologue and only live on the money that he makes from stand up.
Howard said he's going to monologue now. He said he'll do it if the audience likes it. Howard did some material about Barbara Walters and how she uses a vibrator and named it ''Selfie.'' Howard said that has the sexual appeal that Ronnie taking a shit does. Howard said he thinks that they're trying to grab at the ratings with that stuff. Howard asked why you'd name a vibrator. Howard said you just don't do that. Howard said Robin has names for hers and they're like Chuck, Larry, John and things like that.
Howard said Charlie Sheen is engaged to Brett Rossi and she was a Miss Howard TV. Howard said that Charlie should come on the show and date whoever is there. Howard said Charlie getting engaged to a porn star shouldn't be news. He said it would be news if the woman wasn't a porn star.
Howard said they learned that Gary loves butter on yesterday's show. Howard said that he also revealed that he likes to go SCUBA diving. He said if he keeps eating butter he's going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. Howard said he's afraid he's going to drown if he keeps eating butter.
Howard asked if anyone wants him to keep going with the monologue. Robin told him to keep going. Howard said he finally figured out why Gary's teeth are so yellow... butter. Howard said he was in such a good mood about Gary about the birthday show but he's got this butter thing going on. Howard said Gary checked his doody last night and he found 5 black and white cookies, 6 shrimp and 5 sticks of butter. Howard said he checks his own doody and it was huge and blotchy and disgusting. Then he realized he was looking at Benjy.
Howard said he has beautiful feet and beautiful doody. Howard said that they say that when you get older you get more handsome. He said that when he gets older his feet and shit get better looking. Howard said he likes that he has a bad face and a bad body but his shit is gorgeous.
Howard asked if he has to keep going. Fred said he's only been going about 4 minutes. Howard said it felt like 4 hours.
Howard said he's writing with a fountain pen now. He said that he's going to do the whole show in olde English. Howard started to speak that way and asked ''How art thou?'' Howard said he's also taken up doing his laundry on a rock. He said he beats his laundry with a stone. Last night he put Beth in a bonnet and asked her to needle point while he did his thing. Robin said he's turning Amish. Howard said they call him Betsy Ross Stern.
Howard said his neck pain is better today but he's not sure if he should work out. He said he thinks he's done after that. He said he can't even do 10 minutes of material. He said he should do the Letterman approach and do just 7 minutes. Howard said he has to take a break. He said Seth Meyers is coming in today. He said he has to talk to him about his new show.
They found Dave Grohl's version of ''Hey Bulldog'' so Howard played that. Howard said he has to get a band together with Fred once he gets his guitar playing down.
Howard said he can't wait for the commercial. Howard asked Eric why he didn't want to be at the birthday show. Eric said he heard that not many of the Wack Packers got to meet the celebrities. Howard said that's bullshit. He said that a lot of them did. Gary said that Eric would have been on the floor with Ham Hands Bill and all of the celebrities. He said Eric did screw up. Eric said he doesn't think so.
Howard said this is a guy who cums in his pants to meet third rate wrestlers. Eric said he doesn't do that. Howard asked if he gets a boner. Eric said he doesn't get a boner. Gary said that's his Smurf cock. He was referring to a prank call they made to Eric once where they mentioned his Smurf cock. Eric said he hates that call. Gary said Eric doesn't like anything.
Howard asked who the girl was pretending to be. Eric said it was Carrie Underwood. Howard ended up playing the call. Eric didn't sound happy about that. In the call they had an assistant there pretending to be Carrie Underwood and she was asking Eric to do ridiculous things like rubbing his Smurf cock on the phone for her. Howard asked when he actually realized it was her. Eric didn't answer. Howard asked Eric what was going through his head when she was asking him the rude questions. Eric said he was wondering what the hell was going on. Robin said he just wanted to believe. Howard played more of the call and Eric was asked to do some kinky stuff. Eric tired changing subjects. Howard said he should have just stayed on topic and kept talking to her. The girl asked Eric if he would fuck her. Eric told her ''Not on the first date.'' Howard said he should have said yes. He said he fucked the girls at the Bunny Ranch on the first date.
Howard played more of the call and the girl asked Eric to say ''Da Plane, da plane!'' for her. Eric did it. Howard said he must be crazy. Howard said Carrie Underwood would never ask him to do that. Then the girl asked him to rub his Smurf cock on the phone. Eric asked why. Howard said that was a good question to ask. Eric actually did rub something on the phone when she asked him to do that. Howard said that he can't believe he did that. Eric said he didn't actually do it. He said he would never want to use the phone again if he did. Howard said he's doing everything she asks him to. The girl then asked him if it smells like dwarf cock. Eric changed subjects again.
Howard said Eric is a good guy. He was worried about her getting to sound check. Howard played more of the call where the girl told Eric to say that he wanted to fuck her. Howard told Eric to just say that if she asks him to. He said Eric tried to clean it up by saying ''I want to have sex with you.'' Howard told Eric to play along with him and say you want to fuck me. Eric said he's not repeating that right now. Howard said he doesn't learn.
Howard played more of the audio and the girl had Eric saying that he wanted to fuck her and then ended the call.
Howard said she's one sexy freak. Howard said it would be great if that was the real Carrie. Howard said he wishes that Eric would hook up with someone like that. Howard said he missed Eric at the birthday show. Eric asked when they're going to be doing AGT out in L.A. Howard said that's in April. He said it's like April something. He didn't remember what it was. Howard asked Gary to look it up. Howard said he had Eric right next to him at the shows out there. He said he would go to Eric and ask what he thinks. Howard said they had fun. Robin said at least he's trying to do something this time.
Howard said that they have to relax the rules and let little people in. Gary said he thinks it's around the 21st of April. Howard said he thinks they're shooting 5 days in a row. He said he can have an AGT marathon if he wants. Howard said he'll put Eric in a good seat.
Eric asked if he's doing the Kimmel party thing. Howard said he won't be doing it this time. Howard said he told Jimmy not to do it this time. He said it's embarrassing. He said he's already tired and he's not even there yet. Howard said he's going to sit Eric on Mel B's breasts out there.
Eric said that there's a company that wants him to give him some kind of products when he's out there. Howard said he doesn't need that. Eric said it's home entertainment stuff. He said this would go along with his home entertainment stuff. He said it's wall art but it's speakers. Howard said he can imagine what that looks like. Howard said he's sure it's lovely. Eric said they're actually really cool. Howard told Eric to keep them and just tell the company that he gave them to him. Howard said he has real wall art and speakers in his walls. He said he doesn't need the combo. Eric said they want to make a donation to North Shore too. Howard said he's all for that. He said they should donate it to Bianca's Furry Friends. Eric said they wanted Howard to autograph some stuff and they'll auction it off. Howard said he's not interested. He said he really has to go. He let Eric go and said he's really not looking to autograph stuff and have them auction it off.
Howard said he thinks if he lived in a van down by the river he wouldn't want wall art that's also a speaker. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said this song is good. He listened to that for a second. He said Fred is picking out some tunes. Howard said they were in a meeting yesterday and came up with a killer idea for a show in a couple of months. He said he can't wait to reveal it. He said he can't do it today though.
Howard said this song is about the guy who comes back from war and it's based on that book ''Johnny Got His Gun.'' Howard said that James is a genius with the lyrics in the song.
Howard said he's going to do some music shows. He said he's rigging his house so he can do shows from there. He said that his plan for 2014 he's going to hit this button and interrupt programming and jam out. He said that he may just interrupt for a few minutes. He said it's going to be cool. Howard said if he takes a bowel movement he can get on the microphone and just interrupt. Howard said he's in his office for hours on end at times. He said he could just turn the microphone on and get on the air. He said he might as well just do that. Howard said they're working on it.
Howard told Fred to write a song like this. He said this is great. Fred said they might need them to play it. Howard said they're going to play it. Howard said they saw Metallica do a show and Richard was there shaking his head like a head banger. He said he doesn't have hair on his head anymore though. He said he lost his hair. He said he looks good though. Richard came in and said that he has dreams that he has long hair again. Howard said he had hideous long hair. He said it was really bad quality. He said he looks so much better with short hair.
Howard asked Richard if he ever feels like he let that hair go and has no outward signs that he's a rock drummer. Howard said his hair is like that. Richard said he wears heavy metal shirts and things like that. He said it sucks. Richard said he's jealous of people who have good hair. Howard said he's jealous of people who have good face and don't need the hair. Howard said Richard is handsome. Richard thought he wasn't.
Howard said he's reading an article about Bill Cosby and this girl he allegedly worked with and touched. He said that this girl claims that it happened. Robin said it's in Newsweek. Howard said that you can't say the F-word when you're taking acting lessons from Cosby. Howard said he hates Bill Cosby. He said he doesn't get that comedy. Howard said that they make a big deal about him on TV shows but he doesn't get it.
Howard did his Cosby impression and told some jokes that he might tell. Howard said he spend money on the guy and he did this awful material. Howard had Cosby talking about all of the people he grew up with and the games they used to play. Howard said he just wants the guy to shut the fuck up. Howard said he's exhausted now. Gary said he can tell.
Gary gave Howard some more of Cosby's material. Howard said the guy is like a fucking maniac. Howard said he's reading the allegations in the article and he thinks he really is a maniac.
Gary gave Howard an article about Cosby where they talk about this ''Booty Call'' thing. Howard said Cosby was upset with the movie ''Booty Call'' and ranted against putting that image out there. Meanwhile he was doing that stuff himself. The guys said that it's like a gay guy who acts homophobic.
Howard said that Cosby goes on these late night shows and they make a huge deal about it. Howard said he doesn't do anything that great. Howard played a clip and Cosby was starting to ramble. Howard said he'd tune into another channel with that. Howard said this is from The Tonight Show. Howard said they just hand the keys over to the guy.
Howard said if Cosby read the allegations against him he'd go see him every night. Howard read some of the article where this woman claimed that Cosby was saying he loved her and he waited for her to turn 18 before he drugged her. Howard said that this hasn't been proven. Robin said a bunch of women sued him and they settled out of court. Howard asked why no one asks him about that stuff. Robin said she's not sure. She said no one will bring it up.
Howard said this stuff is too fucking creepy to read. He said that it's online though. He said you can find it on Newsweek.com.
Howard said that he just can't take the guy's stand up. He said he can't even play his monologue from the Tonight Show because it'll bore you and you'll tune out. Howard played a little more of the clip he had and Howard said he just didn't get it. Howard said he's a better pubic speaker than Hitler. He said at least Hitler would get up and promise you that Germany would be the greatest ever. Howard said that he appears to be a drunk uncle in a coma. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard said Seth Meyers is coming in and he has so much to ask him. He said he's very funny and talented.
Howard said that he has a tape of Jay Leno being consoled by Gary. Howard played the clip which was Jay breaking down on The Tonight Show and Gary asking him how he can help him out and telling him it's okay. Gary said the clips of him were from a conversation he had with Bobo about the birthday show.
Howard had some audio of Gary SCUBA diving. He had a clip of Gary doing a monkey impression with some bubbles in the background.
Howard said he has a book about Whity Bulger (Whitey on Trial: Secrets, Corruption, and the Search for Truth) that Gary packed in his bag. Howard said he was going to give it away to someone and then he saw that Jon Leiberman's name was on it. It turns out he wrote the book. Howard said he had two copies of the book and one was written by Jon and one wasn't. Howard said he found out that there are like 20 books written about Whity Bulger.
Jon came in to talk about the book. He said that it's actually a good time to have the book out. He told Howard about how captivated by the case the people of Boston are. He said they have only done pre-sales for the book so far but they are selling.
Howard asked who he has on his show tonight. Jon said that she used to play Topanga on Boy Meets World. He said they're going to be talking to her, Eric the Actor and Speech Impediment Man and Fred the Elephant Boy. Jon said the girl is a big fan of the show. Jon said that he got an email from JD who asked if she's really going to be on the show. Howard told Jon not to let JD anywhere near her. Jon said she'll be on the phone. Howard said he heard JD sent a picture to her. Jon said her name is Danielle Fishel. He said that JD sent her a note saying he loves her.
JD said that she followed him on Twitter and he wrote her a note. He said that he didn't know if he'd ever get that chance again. JD said that she said that her husband would love that and then she did a Hanzi impression. He said she's a big fan of the show.
Howard asked JD if he hears from that girl he went to the party with. JD said they have talked. He said he's still in touch with her. He said they'll have to see what happens. Howard said JD's voice goes up high when he talks about girls. He said he knows he gets obsessed with some women at times. He said he was stalking that girl from 30 Rock in the subway. JD said that he was just looking for validation that he actually saw her.
Howard asked Jon what was going on with JD when he asked about Danielle. JD said all he did was ask if she was going to be on the show because he could give her a tour or something. Jon said JD asked if he could tape a clip for the show. JD said he asked if he could tape a message for her. He said he knows she's married so he knows nothing is going to happen.
Howard said they should put JD on the panel for ''Leiberman Live.'' JD said he doesn't want that. Jon asked what JD thought about Danielle's photo that they sent. JD said she looks hot and looks good. Howard thanked the guys and wished Jon luck with the book. Jon got in a plug for the book and said it's called ''Whitey on Trial: Secrets, Corruption, and the Search for Truth.'' Howard said it looks like it's about 500 pages long.
The caller asked about what he thinks about Simon Cowell with the baby. Howard said that he thinks that he's putting on some big show. Howard said he doesn't know the guy very well but he has spoken to him a few times. Howard said the guy has a pretty good life and he seems relaxed about the whole thing. He said all of a sudden he was fucking his friend's wife and now the press has forgotten about all of that. Howard said that he's not sure what Simon was thinking knocking this chick up. Howard said he may have just been out for a good time and knocked this chick up. Howard said he's not sure what the whole story was there.
Howard said that there's something fishy about the whole story. He said that the husband asked for a meeting with Simon and now he's got this kid with the woman. Howard said Simon goes to exotic places and he's not slowing down his lifestyle with this kid. Howard said he demands that Simon comes in there to explain it all. Gary said they have asked him several times. Howard told him to get him in there. Howard said he has so many things in his closet and he won't talk about them.
Howard said if he ever fucked his best friend's wife he would wear 5 rubbers. He said he wouldn't want her getting knocked up. Howard said he has to go because Seth is there. He said he had to take a break and pee and then get Seth in there. Howard and Robin spent another minute talking about the Simon Cowell thing. Howard said he saw Simon at the AGT finale. He said that he had the woman there with him at the finale. Howard said he does parade her around. Howard said he would love to know about the meeting between the husband and Simon. Robin said she'd rather read a book about that than about Whity Bulger. Howard said he would too. Howard said the last place he'd want to be is in a room with the guy whose wife he knocked up. Howard said he would love to know what went on in that room. Howard said he and Robin have to work on that book. Robin said Johnny Depp will play Simon Cowell in their movie about it. Howard said that Simon has to be miserable. He said you see him on a yacht all the time and now he has a baby.
Howard said he saw Mel B on a yacht and he has to ask her about that. He said she's a firecracker. Howard said now he has someone to talk to. Howard said it's wild stuff. Howard did a live commercial and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Seth Meyers is there. Howard said he's about to start hosting the new Late Night With Seth Meyers next Monday. Howard said that it was exciting to meet him at the birthday show the other night. Howard said he was funny when he came out and did his thing.
Howard said he thinks hosting the 12:30 slot is way more fun than the 11:30 slot. Howard said he sees the pressure that Jimmy Fallon and Kimmel are under. He said it almost sucks the fun out of it. Seth said he likes that they use that slot to try different things. Howard said you can have an off beat guest and have fun with them. Seth said you're also drafting after the 11:30 show. Howard said it's a perfect training ground to try anything you want. Seth said that's what they're looking forward to. He said they can mess around and see what they're good at.
Howard said that Seth left Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago and he got emotional at the end. Seth said he did. Howard said he was there a long time. Seth said he was there 12 and a half years. He said it was a big part of his life. Howard said Seth went to Northwestern and his parents were upset that he spent that money to be a comedian. Seth said that his parents have been very supportive of him being in comedy. He said that his parents were fully behind it. Howard said his brother is an actor too. Seth said he is and he's out in L.A. He said he's younger than him. He said he's his best friend and he's very supportive. He said his brother is a really good guy and he's doing well too.
Seth said he went to college and didn't think he wanted to be in front of the camera. He said he thought being a movie director would be good but you need a lot of patience. He said just talking about the lighting thing made him want out.
Howard said Seth joined a comedy troupe and he did that in Chicago. Seth said he did that at Improv Olympic. He said that he wasn't in Second City. He said some guys started something like it in Amsterdam and he did that for 2 years. He said he did comedy over there for 2 years. He said the Dutch speak English incredibly well. He said that was the best. Howard asked if he realized it at the time. Seth said he did. Howard said he saw an ad for a DJ in Alaska and he thought about doing that but he can't imagine going to Amsterdam. Seth said that Amsterdam beats Alaska any day. He said that he had to get a passport for the job and it wasn't terrible being there at the age of 23.
Howard asked if he smoked pot a lot. Seth said he tried it but he realized he didn't like it. He said he didn't try the hooker thing over there in Amsterdam either. He said that his friend wanted to try it out and he said no.
Howard said that he read that his wife is a District Attorney. Seth said that she is and she goes after sex trafficking. Howard said that she's doing something so important. Seth said she's very good at leaving it at the office. He said he can't come home and complain about having a bad day. He said complaining about doing jokes just doesn't work. He said he just got married September 1st last year.
Howard said he thinks that this new job is going to be a vacation based on how he worked at SNL. Seth said based on the test shows he may be right. Howard said he wrote so many hours at SNL. Seth said for 12 years he slept over at 30 Rock on Tuesday nights. He said that he knew he was better at writing than acting so he was happy with that job over there. Howard asked if he gets upset when people say that the show sucked that week. Seth said it was kind of upsetting.
Howard asked what the schedule was over there. Seth said on Monday they meet the host. Then Tuesday they all buckle down and write. He said no one rushes in though. He said they show up around noon or 1. Seth said that some people come in at 10 and then they go home at 8 at night. He said they don't have to stay until 10 at night. Howard said that it would be torture to stay up all night. Howard asked why they have to be there in the office to write. Seth said they like to have people around each other to bounce ideas off each other. He said that creativity comes out of that. Howard said they say that you have writer's block but he doesn't think there is such a thing. Seth said there are times that he will sit down to write and the things he wants to write about seem dumb to him. He said the next morning you just write it and go for it.
Howard asked if he saves ideas or does he just lay it out ever week. Seth said that he found that you just get them all out in a week. He said that you just put it on and if it works it works and if it doesn't you just move on to the next day.
Howard said they write on Tuesday and Wednesday. Howard asked if they have time to do anything else. Seth said they sit around a table and read everything on Wednesday. Howard said your body must break down after being up that much. Seth said that his body would break down on off weeks. He said that he'd be deathly sick on those weeks. Howard said he has to be on his game but he's sleep deprived. Seth said it sounds worse than it is. He said you're surrounded by really funny people and there's a lot of laughter going on.
Howard asked about the Sarah Palin stuff that Tina Fey was doing. He said Seth was responsible for writing that. Seth said Tina added jokes all the time though. Howard asked how he keeps himself from putting himself in that. Seth said he wasn't even doing sketches at the time. He said as a writer he thought things would be better without him in them. He said that he wanted to just write.
Howard said Seth does impressions and he got the job by doing them. Howard asked how that happened. Seth said this woman in their talent department asked him to submit a tape. He said that he put in some years at the improv group and it paid off. Howard said that it worked out for him. Seth said it took him 3 years to know that he had made it and it wasn't just a fluke.
Howard asked Seth if he thinks he changed the culture of SNL. He said that they used to talk about how awful it was to work there in the past. He said that they had to write their own stuff in the past but then Seth came in and became collaborative. He said that it wasn't about getting in a sketch and they all had to work together. Seth said they still have to write their own stuff there. He said that they have to write stuff to just audition their talents if nothing else. Seth said that it's tough if you don't have writing chops.
Howard asked if he had a lot to do with the Stefon character that Bill Hader did. Seth said that he suggested doing it on Update but he didn't have a lot to do with the character. Howard said that sometimes there are characters that fuck up Weekend Update and it slows things down. Seth said he has a chance to say no so if they fail it's his decision. Howard asked if he cuts them off if he sees them failing. Seth said he can't do that. He said that sometimes the other person knows that it's failing. He said that they do it in dress rehearsal and it may work there and not on the air.
Howard asked if he freaks out when a Bill Hader leaves. Seth said that he's a hall of famer. He said that it can leave them in a hole. Seth said last year was a big talent exodus. He said that it was the biggest in a long time. He said they brought in a lot of new people and they have to make it work.
Howard said he heard that Seth is being groomed to take over Lorne Michaels job. Seth said he's heard that but he doesn't think that anyone takes over that job. Howard said he looks over the roster of people Lorne has launched the careers of. Howard said he doesn't know what Lorne does but he told him that he has the rare ability to pick out talent. Howard said it's very difficult. Howard said that Seth sits in on those things where they pick them out. Seth said it's very hard for them and it's a very long night. He said a lot of the stuff is very crappy.
Howard asked if it's true that Lorne never laughs in the auditions. Seth said that's not true. He said he has never seen Lorne fake laugh. He said that he does laugh though. Seth said that Keenan Thompson makes Lorne laugh so hard at the Wednesday read throughs. He said Lorne is really involved with the show too. He said that he is there for those read throughs.
Howard asked Seth about his audition for the show. Seth said he follows rules to the letter. He said that they told him to do 5 minutes and do 3 characters and 3 impressions. He said he did Hugh Grant, Russell Crow and another. He said that this was back in 2001 so those characters were right for the time. He said he didn't do great impressions. He said he also did David Arquette at the time. Howard asked what he did for that. Seth said he was doing some commercial for a telephone service. He said he did Hugh Grant on the show once and he tried to do Russell Crow on the show but it didn't work. Howard asked if he wanted to do those impressions on the show because he did them in the audition. Seth said that sometimes they'll hire someone and they want to do them because they think that's why they got the job. It may have only been two things that they did that got them hired though.
Howard asked who gave the best audition ever. Seth said it was Kristen Wiig. He said she blew them away. Howard asked how they found her. Seth said someone from their talent department found her. He said that she did Jane Pauley and you don't even think there is an impression of her to do.
Howard said Belushi used to say that they hated the laughing on the show and they took things more seriously. Howard said Hader would laugh during his character. Howard said that Jimmy Fallon laughs too. Seth said he thinks you have to earn it. He said Maya came back a few years ago and a bunch of people started to break and this new girl didn't break. He said that she hadn't done enough to go for the cheap laugh and she knew it. Howard said that he will laugh when he sees people breaking up during a sketch. He asked why that's not okay. Seth said after doing things for 7 years it is okay. He said when you're new you have to try to stay in it.
Howard asked about who wrote The Californians. Seth said Fred Armisen and a bunch of other guys were. Howard said he must like Fred because he's his band leader on his show. Howard said that he thought Fred was great on the birthday show. Howard said if you're going to have a guy standing there the whole time then why not make it someone who is interesting to look at and someone you can banter with. Seth said that it was Lorne's idea to have Fred there. He said that it's like getting 2 for 1. He said he gets a band leader and a sidekick. Howard asked if he thought it was silly. Seth said that he didn't. He said that they had gone through some other options and Lorne just threw it out there. He said as soon as he said it they hoped that he would be able to deliver on it. Seth said that he'll be able to do about half of it and not every night. He said that Fred threw the band together in like 4 days. He said that he was so great with it. He said he did it in like 3 days and they had an incredible band together.
Howard asked about Kristen Wiig killing it in the audition and how it goes after that. Seth told Howard how they get them there. Howard asked if he's ever had to fire someone that they thought was going to be great but it didn't work out. Seth said that's never happened.
Howard asked who is going to host the news on SNL. Seth said it's Collin Jost who has been his helper over the past couple of years.
Howard asked how many jokes he writes every week. Seth said that he was a better sketch writer than a joke writer. He said that he wrote a Lincoln thing for Louis C.K. once and it was like 3 or 4 pages. He said he was a big fan of his show and they have a great film partner there at SNL. He said the host comes around on Tuesday night and you can pitch to them. He said that he floated the idea to Louis and he had 4 or 5 more ideas for it. Howard asked if he gets insulted when someone changes his stuff. Seth said he's never gotten upset about that. He said they can help improve it.
Howard said that Seth has written for Amy Poehler and Tina Fey when they host shows. Howard asked if he feels he should be out on the stage instead of them. Seth said they're so much fun to be around and it's a lock that they're going to kill it. He said it's a joy to be a part of that.
Howard asked if he stands back stage doing that stuff. Seth said a couple of years ago he was. Last year he was in a seat because he was a presenter. Howard asked if he can pitch ideas from back stage. Seth said he can get back there if he has to and that's the way it works.
Howard said Seth hosted the ESPY awards and he heard that's the shittiest gig on the planet. Howard said they hire a funny guy to do a mile roast of these guys and then the guys get pissed and angry. Seth said he didn't run into that too much. He said he's glad he did that show actually. He said that he likes that he had to do a monologue. Howard asked why he has to do that. Seth said he likes some of the rules. He said he likes doing a monologue. He said he'll be wearing a suit too. Howard said that people like that. He said they can't accept change like Kimmel tried when he first started.
Howard asked if Craig Ferguson is his competition. Seth said he is and he thinks that he's done pretty well. He said he's doing something different with that show too. Howard asked if Seth will be a failure if he doesn't beat Ferguson. Seth said he doesn't know. Howard asked if he's going to be nervous on the firs show. Seth said he will be. Howard said he got on the air the first day at WNBC and he didn't have a voice. He said that he thought Fallon was going to jump off a building with all of the pressure he had. Howard said Seth has worked live and yet he will be nervous.
Seth said they did some test shows last week. He said they had Kathie Lee and Hoda on the show. He said that they had them do that as a favor. He said he'll have them back on for a real show too. Howard asked how you do that test show. Seth said that it's odd to do something like that. He said it's great and it's important to do. Seth said he thinks that the interview thing is the nerve wracking thing. He said that's the furthest away from anything he's done. Howard said you just have a conversation. Seth said that those conversations will be starting at 1am so that takes the pressure off a bit.
Howard said Seth is going to be standing up doing his monologue. He said he should sit at a desk. Seth said he's trying to figure out what to do with his feet and things like that. Howard said it's funny. He said he watches TV and he thinks he can sense how nervous someone is by their hands. Howard said that people wave their hands and they appear nervous. Howard said Seth is right to think about that. Beth said that his wife came and said that he was waving his arms and he was nervous.
Howard asked what show he was hosting when he got into it with Donald Trump. Seth said it was the Correspondents dinner. He said that the lighting there is horrible and the people never really stop talking there. Howard asked if he writes with a bunch of people for something like that. Seth said they had a bunch of people and they wrote for weeks. He said Robert Smigel was there and he helped figure out what to write about. He said if you lose the President during the jokes then you lose the room. He said that if the President isn't paying attention then you've lost the whole room.
Howard said Trump took something very personally and got upset with Seth. Seth said that he was doing all the work to get into the cross hairs. Howard asked how he knew he was going to be there. Seth said that they were told. He said that C-Span wanted his jokes so they could cut to the people he was joking about. He said he refused to give his jokes to them. He said that he never does that. Howard said he attacked Trump and Trump started attacking him back. Seth said it was great. He said that Trump just repeats one sentence over and over. He said he's like a 1950s bully. He said he was saying that he had marbles in his mouth and he wasn't funny. Seth said he didn't comment on that stuff. He said he hasn't gone out of his way to attack back. Howard said he should invite Trump on his show. Seth said he might just do that.
Howard read that Amy Poehler is going to be on the first show. Vice President Joe Biden will be on too. Howard said he would be nervous about that interview. Seth said he thinks it'll be okay. He said that he did a guest stint on Parks and Rec with Amy. He said he thinks that he'll be fine. Howard said he thinks that he's a good guest.
Howard said on Tuesday night he has Kanye West coming on. Seth said he's a big fan of his and he always puts a lot of effort into his music performances. He said that he's one of the best. Howard said Jim Breuer has talked about how great the music acts are on SNL. Seth said that he likes it when someone does something special. He said that Beck did something with a puppet show and Lady Gaga wore a gyroscope and sat down and played piano. He said that they do the music thing and that can get the audience ready for his news segment on SNL.
Howard asked about how many jokes he writes for Weekend Update. Seth said they write about 100 a day. He said they have 3 people writing so they write about 30 each. Howard asked if he was offered a shitload of jobs. Seth said he wasn't really. Howard said that they thought that Seth was going to be Kelly Ripa's co-host. Howard said that the press painted him to be a loser when he didn't get that job. Howard said maybe he wasn't even looking for that job. Seth said he wasn't. He said he loves Kelly but he didn't want that job. He said he had fun sitting in on the show but that's not what he was looking for.
Howard asked if he prepared for that show. Seth said he didn't. He said they are preparing so much for this new Late Night thing though. Howard asked if he would have done that show if they had offered it to him. Seth said he may have but he's glad things have worked out the way they have.
Howard said there are some people from SNL that have tremendous careers. Howard said he must think that he should get out of SNL at some point. Seth said that Darrell Hammond was there longer than he was. He said that he was amazing on the show though. Howard said he wishes he was still there. Seth said if he was there they would still use him every week. Howard asked if anyone has left SNL and gone back. Seth said that maybe Al Franken has but that's about it.
Howard asked how many jokes they do for the Weekend Update thing. Seth said they take it down from the 400 they have that week and whittle it down to what they use. He said that it's a lot of fun when they have two people on Weekend Update. He said that he and Cecily had fun doing it.
Howard asked if the parties are legendary for the SNL cast. Seth said they are really fun. Howard said they say back in the day they used to be doing coke and all of that. Seth said it's not like that now. He said the parties are fun though.
Howard said Fallon seems to be doing well with the Tonight Show. Howard asked if Seth does his thing and they come out and say he's just awful, will that destroy him. Seth said he thinks that it will. He said that he thinks he has a pretty thick skin but that might get to him.
Howard said that Lena Dunham is going to be on the first week of his show. Seth said the booking is great on the show. Howard said that it's going to be tough with Fallon being in the same city. He said Fallon will have more power than he does. Seth said that they will talk to anyone who shows up. He said they'll be happy with that.
Howard said he wishes Seth luck with this because he seems like a genuinely nice guy. He said Seth seems to be a good guy. He said he doesn't cheat on his wife. He said Seth made a joke about Schwarzenegger being lazy by fucking his house keeper.
Howard said he met Seth at the birthday bash and it was kind of weird but cool too. Seth said that he went right back to the office after that. Howard said he's going to feel like he's on vacation with this new show. Seth said that they are taping at 6:30 and they aren't going back to the office after that. He said they're taping 5 days a week for a while but then they're going to do the 4 day thing.
Howard asked what Seth does in his down time. Seth said he's looking forward to having Saturdays off. He said that he lives in the city. Robin asked if he plays video games. Seth said he plays games but mostly soccer and football. He said he doesn't play those other things.
Howard said he thinks that it's great that he's married to a prosecutor. Howard said that's got to be great. Seth said it is interesting. He said that you can't win an argument with her. He said that she legally lays out why he's wrong. Howard said it must be hot to have a woman with a brain like that. Howard asked where she's from. Seth said she grew up in New Mexico. Howard told him not to have kids too soon. Seth said they'll give it a couple of years. He said they just got married.
Robin asked where Seth grew up. Seth said he was in southern New Hampshire. He said he never went to the Cape even though he was right there.
Howard said it sounds like he's having a nice life. Seth said they went to a restaurant up in Massachusetts and he had a flat tire. He said that he grew up and they just called AAA when they did. He said his wife went in to call AAA and some guy came up and offered to change it for him. He said they have a greyhound dog that needs a coat outside. He said his wife has a picture of him holding the dog in a coat. He said that the guy changing the tire didn't know who he was but then a car pulled in and recognized him. Seth said he watched the guy changing the tire so he'd know how to do it. He said he watched and said he would never do that.
Howard asked Seth who he thinks was the best Weekend Update anchor. Seth said Dennis Miller was great but Norm was great too. Howard said that was a weird thing the way they fired Norm. Howard said that he felt bad for Norm because he was so incredible at that. Seth said he thinks that a lot of people were impressed with Norm. He said he did it in a voice that no one else has.
Howard asked if Lorne ever worried that he was going to leave to do the Kelly Ripa show. Seth said he never did. Howard said Lorne never worries about that kind of thing. Howard said he'd be afraid of someone leaving the show. Howard asked Seth how he found out that he got this job. Seth said he heard about the shake up and he thinks that the NY Post threw his name out there. Seth said Lorne called him while he was out on the road doing stand up. He said that Lorne was talking to him like they had this conversation before. He said that Lorne said he thought he'd be good at this and he wondered if this was really happening.
Howard said he read that he's getting 6-9 million to do the show. Seth said that's high. He said that 4 may be a little high too. Howard said he must be getting that horrible starter salary of 3 million. Seth said he isn't saying.
Howard said it must be tough to negotiate because you want the job so bad. Seth said that Lorne isn't really NBC but he is there to help. Howard asked if he went back and forth with NBC asking for more. Seth said that they did but you know NBC is paying him what they wanted to pay him to begin with. Howard said he remembers them trying that with him and Imus. Howard said he told them that Imus wasn't 1/8th what he was. He said he didn't want to go by their rule book. Howard said it could turn out that Seth is the most brilliant and he deserves more. Seth said that if it works out then it works out. He said he's getting more than he was getting at SNL. Seth said that he wants to stay in New York and he's happy about that. Howard said it is a great opportunity that he has steady work.
Howard asked Seth if he has to take a nap in the afternoon. Seth said he hasn't had to yet. Howard asked how old he is. Seth said he's 40. Howard said he's not that old yet.
Howard said Seth will be hosting Late Night starting next week at 12:35am. Howard said that he remembers being 40 when his penis didn't drip.
Howard asked if he curses in his stand up act. Seth said he will. Howard said he heard that he had a bet with Tina Fey. He said that Seth bet Tina that Paris Hilton would not ask a personal question of any of the staff. Seth won because Paris asked one of the girls on the staff if they were Italian.
Howard said he thought Miley Cyrus did a great job on SNL. Seth said that he thought she was great too. He said he thinks that she knows exactly what she's doing. He said she has great stories and he likes her a lot. Howard asked about Lindsay Lohan. Seth said he liked her too. He said that the first time she did it she was probably 18 or 19.
Howard said this was fascinating and he has to wrap up now. Howard said that he doesn't see a down side to this show. He said he can pull a million people to watch and he'd be a hero. Seth said that he thinks Lorne knows what he's doing. He said that he helped launch Jimmy and so many others. Howard said he thinks that it's good doing a show every day. He said he's a likeable guy and he'll do just fine on TV. Howard said he looks good so he's better on TV than he would be himself. Howard said Lena Dunham said he looks like Rhea Perlman. He said she's right. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Robin to do the news after playing a song parody for her. Howard said that guy was singing about fucking Robin hard like a teacher.
Robin said there's something scary happening. She said there's a clown shortage. Robin said the older clowns are dying off and young people aren't thinking about doing the clown thing. Howard said of course not. Howard said years ago on kid shows they had clowns. He said now they don't have a break out clown. The last break out clown was Yucko. Howard said there hasn't been a big clown lately. He said in India he bets they don't have a shortage. Howard said they're a little behind us. Robin said they say that younger jokesters are losing interest in that.
Robin said she was looking at the radio news and it seems that the Gambling family was done with broadcasting. Howard said they were on WOR there and that station is like every station in your city that your parents love but you hate. Howard said that they had three generations of family that did that news. Robin said the replacement for the Gamblings only lasted a month. Robin said they decided to go for a younger demographic and he was followed by Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and that wasn't a good mix. Robin said that they have a big hole in the morning over there now. Robin said they say that Scott Shannon may be going there. Howard said Scott retired from WPLJ. He said he's like 70-something years old. Howard said he left but it was a cryptic message he gave when he left. Howard said that the father Gambling was a good guy. He said he son was a cunt. He said that he didn't know the grandfather. He said the father was a classy guy.
Robin read about Dave Herman and the arrest on child abuse charges. Robin said that he has been charged with trying to hook up with a woman's 7 year old daughter. Howard said Dave seemed like such a decent fellow. Howard said they worked with Dave at K-Rock and he never caught that creep vibe. Howard said he finds that whole story hard to believe. Robin read that Dave is 78 years old. Howard said going to prison is never fun and especially when you've been charged with child abuse. Howard said he didn't know he was that old. Robin said that he was allegedly talking to a woman and asked her to bring her 7 year old to him. Howard said that's just so weird. Robin said this has been going on since October. Howard said it's terribly sad. Robin said he faces up to 10 years in prison. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who reminded Robin that she's on Watch What's Happening Live on Bravo. Robin said she's going to be on but they did a taping of it already. Robin said they had to walk down 7 or 8 flights of stairs when a fire alarm went off. Robin said the whole show was disrupted by a fire drill. Robin said it was a later night than she thought it was going to be. She said she had fun with Andy over there.
Robin read a story about Derek Jeter who is going to have a press conference today at 11:30. Robin said he's down in Florida for spring training.
Robin said that Leonardo DiCaprio has a very pretty girlfriend. Howard said he saw that and she's like a super model. Howard said he would love to show that on TV. Howard said it's worth looking it up right now. Howard told everyone to stop what you're doing and Google Toni Garrn. Howard said in the picture he's looking at she's oiled up. Howard ended up flipping his attitude toward her and told people not to look her up. He said she's just sitting home and oiling up until the next time Leo's dick slips inside her.
Robin read a story about how they're trying to legalize spanking in Kansas. Robin said they want to make it legal to hit a child so hard that it leaves a mark. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a cruise line where an employee raped a woman and then tried to throw her overboard on Valentine's day. Robin said the guy's name was Ketut Pujayasa. Howard said JD must have written that name down for Robin.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what shade of Nice and Easy does Toni use to dye his hair. Howard said he really doesn't dye it. He said that he would tell you if he did. Howard asked why he thinks he dyes his hair. Howard said he doesn't do that and he doesn't wear a wig like people claim he does. Howard said he figures it's his grandmother on his mother's side. Howard said he's not sure he wouldn't color his hair if it did turn grey. The caller asked if he could come in and take a clip of his hair and get it tested. The caller said that he's willing to shave his head if it's dyed. Howard said that he will do this if the guy offers to donate $100,000 to the North Shore if his hair isn't dyed. Howard said he must think he's going to win and he has to put up something. The caller said that he will put up his bone marrow. Howard said he must have some money. The caller said that he wouldn't be sitting there at 10 in the morning talking to him if he had money.
Howard told the guy if he wins he'll tongue Richard's asshole. If the caller loses then he has to tongue Richard's asshole. The caller agreed to it. He asked if he can come in next Monday. Howard said he has to make sure he does it. Howard said he has to have some money to put in escrow. The caller said that he will take Sal's balls to his eyes. Howard said he has to tongue Richard's asshole. The guy swore that he would do it. Howard said he has to put up some money just to make sure he sticks to it. Howard said he's so sick of this guy calling that he has to put an end to it. Howard said he has to bring $5000 in a check. The caller said he'd bring the title to his jet ski. Howard said he can sign over his house if he doesn't do it. The caller agreed to do that. Howard said that the caller, Craig, has to put up his house so he can make sure he does this thing. Craig said that it's a nice house in Madison, Connecticut. Howard said that's going to be good. He said he'll have to lick Richard's asshole. Howard said he would tell you if he had grey hair. Howard said his grandfather had jet black hair into his 80s. Howard said he had a little grey in there but it was mostly black.
Robin read a story about how bibles are being removed from rooms in some hotel because some non-religious people were upset about it. Robin said she doesn't understand that.
Robin said a nurse at a nursing home was caught raping a woman who isn't able to speak. Howard said Robin did that to a guy in the hospital. Robin said all she did was straddle him. She didn't rape him.
Robin read a story about a guy who wants cameras installed on the railways in New York to monitor the people operating the trains there. Robin had some audio of the guy talking about that. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a Hot Pockets recall because of some beef that's in a recall. Robin read the details of that recall.
Howard took a call from Marianne Garvey from the Daily News. She said that they made Howard a fake cover for Howard's birthday. She said that Howard sent a thank you card and she had to thank him so much. Howard said he sent thank you cards to people who sent gifts. Howard said that's a little known fact that he does that. Howard let Marianne go after that.
Robin said it looks like they're allowing Time Warner and Comcast to merge. Howard said they appear to be. He said the only merger that they look into is the Sirius and XM merger. Robin said she thought they were against monopolies. Robin said they have the worst customer service at both of those companies.
Robin read about how the sanitation department is upset about the snow because they have been working for 17 days straight. Robin said they have been working 12 hour shifts without a break. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about the toll it's putting on his family.
Robin said that President Obama wants to make heavy duty trust more fuel efficient. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said he loves when he comes out with something and tuning into FOX news to see them going berserk.
Robin read a story about how they're trying to increase the minimum wage. Robin said that she'd like to know where Howard stands on that. Howard said that he isn't sure where he should be on that. Howard said he worked in a shithole when he was starting out in radio. He said the announcers got together one night and wanted to join a union to unionize the place. Howard said that they wanted 9 or 10 bucks an hour. Howard said that they all suck and if they had to pay that then the station was going to hire someone good for 10 bucks an hour. He said the reason they had their jobs was because they were worth the 4 bucks and hour. Howard said they were the only people who would take those jobs. Howard said that part of him believes that starter jobs are just that and they shouldn't be paying more. Robin said the problem is that those jobs are supporting families now. Howard said his decision is based on the channel he's watching. He said FOX will hate it and MSNBC will probably love it.
Robin read a story about Pussy Riot. Robin had some of their music for Howard to play. It was the same song they played yesterday. Howard asked if JD wrote that song. He said they're annoying. Robin said that they say they were dragged across the police station floor on their face and they weren't allowed to make a phone call. Howard said listen to that music and of course they were.
Robin read a story about Michael Jackson's estate being sued for molestation. Robin said they have charges coming from a choreographer who they say waited too long to file.
Robin said a basketball player with Down Syndrome got big cheers from some 76ers fans. Robin had some audio of that. Howard asked how you get that to happen. Robin said this kid got to play in a game for 2 minutes and he scored like 16 points. Howard said it would be great if they had a league like that. Gary said he saw video and it looked like he was playing against the team that the Harlem Globetrotters play. Howard said Gary throws a baseball like a guy with Down Syndrome. Howard said he would love it if a guy was really good at basketball and he had Down Syndrome. Howard said he bets the pros would hire him. He said some would say that Dennis Rodman was the first but that's out of line.
Robin said Jessica Simpson is hinting at a return to music. Howard said he's not sure that she has a song he'd know. Robin had some audio of Jessica talking about her passion for music and how she'd like to get back to it. Howard said he thought that her sister was pretty good. Robin said she had a meltdown on SNL and that seems to have ruined everything.
Robin wrapped up the news and Howard ended the show around 10:20am. Howard said Robin will be on Watch What Happens Live tomorrow night on Bravo.
Jon asked JD if he misses Richard's long hair. JD said he thins that Richard's look is good now. He said he's a handsome fella. Jon said he can still drum with the best of them too.
Jon said that Howard has heard for a long time that his hair is dyed and he put his money where his mouth is today. Gary said Howard is up front about that stuff. He said that's Howard's hair, it's not a wig. He said that he's not coloring it either. He said some people there do color their hair but Howard isn't one of them. Gary said that his cousin is a famous hair dresser there in the city and he went there once and he wanted to color his hair. He said he didn't want to do it because he didn't want to depend on it for the rest of his life. Gary said a lot of people have black hair and it's not a natural color. Jon asked who would color their hair there. They mentioned Sal and said that he's even coloring his skin.
Jon Leiberman came in and said he's not coloring his hair yet. Jon Hein said he's going to let his go. Benjy said he would hesitate because of the chemicals. Gary said Benjy colored his beard though. Benjy said he did but it was like a 2 or 3 day process.
Gary said that when he was on vacation they were in a hotel that had a lot of older guys there. He said he saw one guy who had a toupee on and he could tell because it was a different color than the rest of his hair. Jon asked about the guy who grows the pony tail. Gary said that doesn't work either.
Gary said that he was sent a letter by someone who said they provide someone with their wig and he was shocked when he heard it. He said that he sees that person on TV and he stares at them all the time and can't believe it's fake.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard colors his hair and he has to. He said he's 60 years old. Benjy said that he has people in his family that don't color their hair. He said there's something about that color and it is possible that it's not being dyed. The caller said he loves Howard but there is no way he's not coloring it. The guy said that there is no question that it's being dyed. Benjy said he's basing that on the average person and he hasn't experienced this. Gary said he doesn't know everything about Howard but he doesn't think it's true. He said he thinks that Howard would tell the truth about that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he just signed up with Sirius and he had taken some time off. He said he met Gary down in Turks and Caicos. Gary said he met this guy, Sean, and he said that he looked at him and said ''You got old'' when he stared at him for a few seconds. Gary said that was like a dagger in the heart. Sean said he thought Gary was older than he is. He said he thought he was younger than him. Sean said that he was just shocked when he saw him. Gary said that he gets that kind of thing all the time. He said that he'll put a picture up and he'll get comments like that.
Jon asked Leiberman about JD coming to him about Danielle Fishel. JD said he wasn't on the hunt for her. He said she looks very nice and that's all he's going to say. Leiberman said that he tweeted about her being on the show and 20 seconds later he got the call from JD asking if she was going to be there live. Leiberman said it was hardly even posted when he got the call. Jon said that JD is right on top of things when it comes to Twitter.
Gary asked JD if Howard got into it deeper and asked about the direct message to her. JD said he did write to her and told her he loves her. JD said he send her a direct message. JD said she followed him first so he wants that out there. Jon said that JD saw this and this was his moment to have a one on one conversation with her. He took the shot and he has to give him credit for that. He said it might be creepy and inappropriate but he's glad he did that.
Benjy asked JD if he has said he loves anyone else on Twitter. JD said he's not sure. He said he has told people he likes them but not love.
Jon asked Leiberman how he felt when he got that call from JD. Leiberman said he loves JD's enthusiasm. He said when it happens it's of utmost importance. He said he knew this was going to be important. Jon asked if they're going to talk about this tonight on the show. Leiberman said that they're going to talk about this during the news today but probably not on Leiberman Live.
Jon asked JD what he would say to Danielle if he met her. JD said he would say it's nice to meet her. He said he would tell her how good she looks and see what she says back. He said the conversation is a 2 way street.
Gary said he met Marica Brady (Maureen McCormick) and Valerie Bertinelli which were two people he grew up watching so he was really happy to meet them. Ronnie told them to just move on.
Jon moved on to talk about Seth Meyers and how easy that interview seemed to go. He said it was like they knew each other already. Jon said what people didn't know is how much power he had over there at SNL. Gary said he didn't know he was a writer there until just recently.
Jon and Gary talked about the process for writing over at SNL and how tough it sounds. Gary said that here on this show it's on Howard to carry all of the show. He said on a show like SNL they have a ton of writers.
Jon said he missed a lot of the interview because he was talking to Seth's publicist. He said that some of the old stories about working there say that you had to write your own stuff or you don't get on. Benjy said that Seth did say that it's very important to write your own stuff to give them some competition to get them motivated.
Gary said that they're kind of fascinated with that show. He said that you have to write your own stuff or you will wither away. Jon said that it was Seth's writing that got him far in that place.
Jon said that he wanted to talk about Seth changing his tire and if Gary has ever had that happen. Gary said he has had to change his tire on the side of the highway to change a tire. Jon said he had to change a tire with Sal in the car and Sal took a picture of him changing that tire. He said Sal didn't help out.
Gary said he wanted to do a bit where he found out if people were man enough on the show. Gary asked Benjy if he's ever changed a tire. Benjy said he kind of knows how to but he never has. JD said he would call AAA. Jon said that they'd all do that. Gary said he doesn't have time so he'll do it on his own. Gary said that he can be on his way and not wait.
Jon asked Ronnie if he looks down on people like that. Ronnie said some people can't even drive a car. He said that he doesn't expect anyone to do anything. Benjy asked if Ronnie had a daughter and her husband didn't know how to change a tire, would it bother him. Ronnie said that it would. Gary said that's the question they just asked him. Ronnie said he doesn't want to answer Jon. Leiberman laughed and said he can't change a tire. He said that he has roadside assistance and AAA so he doesn't have to.
Gary said if a pipe burst in a sink would Jon know how to turn the water off. Jon said he does know where the main water valve is. Jon asked Leiberman if he wants to know how to do it. Leiberman said he has no interest in doing it and he would just call someone. Jon said he has done that when he's had a flat before.
Ronnie asked Leiberman what he would do if he was in the middle of some place where no one is around to help. Leiberman said he would never put himself in that situation.
Jason came in and said that this is the one thing he can do. He said he knows how to change a tire like a champ. He said he had to learn how to do it when he got a flat tire. He said he had seen A Christmas Story when they had to change a tire. He said that he almost ripped the bumper off his car but he figured it out. He said now he's the go to guy for that stuff.
Ronnie told Jason to go to an auto store and buy a floor jack. He said not a scissor jack. Ronnie said they sell them for like 40 bucks. He said it makes things very simple to change a tire. Ronnie said you put it under the frame and jack it up and you're done in 5 minutes.
Jason said he tried changing his oil once. He said he'll never do it again. He said that he spent like 6 hours doing it. He said he could have had it done for 20 bucks at some shop.
Gary said he had a car and he had the spare bolted under the car. Ronnie said that's where it is on a Corvette.
Jason said he and Will were out and they heard this horrible noise coming from Will's car. He said it turned out to be fine but they had no idea what to do if something was wrong. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said that the original cast is without parallel. Gary said that he still appreciates Phil Hartman and Will Ferrell. He said Chris Rock was okay on the show. He said that he should have written his own stuff on the show. Benjy said Chris said that he partied and didn't work that hard on the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to ask Leiberman what he did as a kid when kids were working on their bicycles and things. He asked if he was making cakes and baking pies. Leiberman said that he used to take a tape recorder and do play by play of games in Baltimore. He said he was doing other things.
Jon asked if he did that alone at the stadium. Leiberman said his brother was there. He said that was back in the day when there were hardly any people at the Orioles games. He said in the upper decks there was no one around. Ronnie said Ralph Kiner died so maybe he can get a job there now.
Jon asked Leiberman if his dad or mom would take them to the game. Leiberman said that they would drop them off there. He said that he used to have all of these tapes of his play by play but their house blew up from a natural gas explosion and he lost them all. Leiberman said he did that from the age of 6 or 7 until he was like 16. He said he loved doing it.
Gary said he thought Ronnie was cracking a joke about Ralph Kiner dying but he's not. He said he didn't hear about it because he was on vacation. Gary said that sucks.
Jon asked Leiberman if he ever sent a tape in to get the job there. Leiberman said he did but he never heard anything. He and Jon spent a little time talking about baseball after that.
Jon asked Leiberman if he was better as a play by play guy or a rapper or what. Leiberman said that he wants to think he's a pretty good broadcaster. Leiberman said he did get to call a game down in Florida once. He said a guy heard what a big fan he was of the Orioles and he got invited down to do that.
Jon said that they should talk about Eric the Actor claiming that he made the right decision not going to the birthday bash. Jon said he thinks that he thinks the A-listers would have lined up for Eric. Gary said Eric is the guy that everyone wanted to meet. He said they would have been able to meet him too. Gary said he thinks Eric tells himself a lot of lies like that so he can sleep at night.
Ronnie said people line up to meet Eric at the shows he's been to. Benjy said that Eric doesn't look at it like he decided not to go. Gary said that he did though. He said he decided not to push to get out there and he lost out. Gary said he's pretty sure that Robert Downey Jr. would have said hello to Eric. Jon Leiberman got in some plugs for their news coverage that was coming up. Leiberman mentioned that Scott is bowling today and Shuli is covering that.
Jon said that he and JD were watching Scott the Engineer yesterday and he didn't do well bowling. He said that he knows he has an injured finger but he wasn't doing well. He said he bowled a 117. He said they're hoping to hear from him tomorrow on the live Wrap Up Show. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done around 11:20am.