|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
High Pitch Eric Explains His Threatening Messages. 01/10/08. 6:25am
High Pitch Eric called in so Howard asked him what's going on with the phone calls that he made to that woman. He played some clips yesterday where he was threatening this girl. Eric said that he didn't mean any of that. He said that he thinks that people take advantage of him and they use him to get into events and shows and stuff. He said that she was evil to him when he wouldn't hang out with him and stuff like that.
Howard said that if Eric presents that to a judge he's going to end up in the slammer. Eric said that this woman got really pissed off at him when he wouldn't hang out with her so that's why he called and threatened her. He said that he had taken her to one of Artie's shows a couple of months ago and he got her to meet a bunch of people and she didn't appreciate it. He said that he wasn't even into her and didn't want to have sex with her or anything. Eric said that he didn't want to hang out with her like she wanted to hang out with him.
Howard said that he could have just told her no. Eric said he did that but she would get pissed at him. Howard said it sounds like he likes this chick but Eric said that's not it. He said that she got mad at him for not bringing her up to SIRIUS when he did the Superfan Roundtable a few weeks ago.
Howard asked Eric if he wanted to come clean and tell them that he's really in love with her. Eric said he's not in love with her, he doesn't care about hanging out with her. Howard said he was going to play the messages again and ask him what they meant. Gary said that the clips that they have are 2 minutes long while they actually ran for 6 minutes. They had to cut them down.
Howard played the first message where Eric called this woman Laura a fuck face and a liar. He asked Eric what was going on with that one. Eric said that he told her that he had gotten fired and she called Howard 100 News and told on him after he asked her not to tell anyone. Howard played some of his other messages like one where he calls the woman a Jew and threatens her. Howard pointed out that Eric is Jewish himself so that didn't make much sense.
Eric also threatens to smash this woman's face into the pavement if she talks about his friends. Howard said he's like a mobster. Eric said that she talked about his friends and that's why he did that. Howard said that he shouldn't care that much. Howard asked him who she's talking to about his friends. Eric said she's talking to him. Howard told him he should just ignore it and get away from her if he doesn't like hearing that stuff.
Howard asked Eric who the woman was in the background on the phone. Eric said he was watching the news. Howard had to ask him to turn it down. Then Eric said that Eric the Midget was upset that Howard wasn't picking up his calls. Howard said he can't get to them all the time.
Howard asked Eric if he's been charged with anything. Eric said he's been charged with aggravated harassment and it's a class A misdemeanor. He said that's better than a felony. Duh. The guys told him they know about that but it's still wrong.
Artie said he remembers this chick and he was surprised that she was hanging out with him at the time. Howard thinks that Eric has been hanging out with this chick and he's thinking that he should be getting more out of her than he is. Howard asked Eric if that's the case. Eric said he never tried to kiss her and he never wanted to.
Sal came in and told Howard that he's right. He said that Eric met this woman at one of the shows he was at. She got to be friends with this guy Dennis, who drives him to gigs, and with Eric. Eric was threatening him because she was friends with that guy too. He said that Eric is nuts and he's lying about not liking this woman.
Howard played more of Eric's messages where he's threatening this woman. Artie said that he doesn't get this guy, he thought that he was kind of gay but this shows that he might be straight. Sal said that when Eric gets drunk he does hit on guys. He said that he was rubbing his cousin's feet and putting his hands through his hair in the limo. Eric denied that ever happening. He swore that he wasn't lying. Howard said that maybe Sal saw it wrong then.
Howard said that Eric is in a lot of trouble over this. Eric said he knows that. Sal told Howard that Eric was actually hired to work at the airport going through people's luggage at one point a few years ago. He was in charge of doing security there.
Eric said that he has to turn himself into the cops next week. He's not doing it this weekend because that's what his lawyer told him to do. Sal said he's doing that because he has a gig this weekend. Eric said that's not true. The guys talked to Eric about how he'll have to go in and get booked but he won't have to go to jail. At least that's what Eric is saying. He didn't seem so sure about that stuff though. He thinks he can get out on bail or maybe probation. Robin said that maybe it's a bench warrant or something. She wasn't sure of the procedures.
Howard told Eric to leave this chick alone, he's so in love with her. Eric said that he's not in love with her at all. Robin said if he's not, he's just plain crazy.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he should bring him on Letterman tonight to explain himself. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that he's totally harmless and there's another girl in the mix who is causing problems. She said that Eric isn't going to hurt anyone. Howard said they know that but this woman shouldn't have to hear this stuff on her answering machine.
Mariann asked what time she should be at Letterman tonight with her big sign. Howard told her he's not going to be there, she doesn't have to show up. He let her go and took a call from Dominic Barbara. Dominic said that this is big trouble and it could elevate to a felony level if he makes more calls after the whole thing goes through. Dominic sounded like he was half asleep while he was explaining this stuff. He told Eric that if he can't control himself he may get into some big trouble. He said that he doesn't think that the charges are only a misdemeanor and it may already be a felony.
Joey Boots called in and said that Eric is retarded. He said that anyone who would leave message on a voice mail like that has to be retarded. He said he had Eric convinced to smuggle heroin in condoms and to kill Mike Gange one time when he prank called him. That's how retarded he is. He said that he doesn't mean to demean Eric but he really does think that he's retarded.
Howard asked Eric how much 8+9 was. Eric got it right so Howard said maybe he's not retarded. Joey said that they should send him to a doctor. Howard asked Eric what 9X9 is and he got that right too. Howard was afraid that he was smarter than they think he is.
Joey said that if she was really scared by these messages, why would she post them on youtube? Howard said they can't blame the girl. She said that she's just a star fucker who is using Eric. Howard that's not right to blame her like that. Eric was wrong here and she can't take the blame.
Howard asked Eric some more questions and he was getting them right. Howard asked him what noise a chicken makes. Eric didn't know what sound a chicken makes though. Howard thought that Eric sounded pretty bright to him before that. Joey was saying that this chick is a star fucker but Howard said that she did nothing wrong. Howard asked where the ''star'' is in this star fucker thing. Howard let Joey go after that.
Howard told Eric that this is serious and he has to throw himself on the mercy of the court. Eric said he knows that. He said that he loves Howard and he gave him a great chance to be on his show. Howard told Eric to just calm down and tell the court what the deal is. Eric said that he'll keep them posted on it. Robin told him to call from prison but Eric said that he can't do that.
Howard and Robin told him to let his lawyer do all of the talking. Eric told Howard that he can be seen on the Johnny Fratto Social Club web site. Eric asked him to pick up on Eric the Midget so he wouldn't get mad.
Eric The Angry, Belligerent, Red Faced,
Midget Actor Calls In. 01/10/08. 6:50am
Howard picked up on Eric the Midget who was all upset about Howard picking up on him and giving his friend Kendra a hard time. Eric was also upset that Howard treated Johnny Fratto like crap yesterday when he called in with Meyer Lansky's grandson. Howard told Eric that he knows what he's doing with his show and he shouldn't be telling him what to do. He said he had other guests booked for the show yesterday and Johnny didn't book that guest.
Eric was also saying that Howard was supposed to pick up the calls in order, it was supposed to be him first, then Johnny. Howard said he didn't know there was an order to the calls. He wasn't informed about that.
Howard said that he doesn't know what he did wrong here. Eric said that Howard upset his friend Kendra by asking if she was a porn star. Eric said that she was very upset by that but Howard didn't know anything about her. He told Eric that she's not his girlfriend like he was claiming she was. Eric hasn't even met her in person yet. He's only spoken to her on the phone and in his chat. Howard said that he's being fucked with. Eric said he's not though.
Eric said that he's not ''Eric the Midget'' either. He's ''Eric the Actor.'' Howard said he's Eric the Midget no matter what he says. Artie added that he's ''Eric the Dickhead Midget'' after that.
Eric was arguing about this Kendra chick being a porn star so Gary came in and said that she's got some pictures of herself up on the site that show her doing pornographic stuff. Eric got really angry and yelled at them. He said that she never shows her nipples and never does anything pornographic on her web site. The guys said that she's doing soft core porn then.
Howard said he doesn't care if this chick is a porn star or not. He doesn't even know who she is. Howard said he doesn't owe anyone an apology because all he did was ask a question. He said that he just saw the picture of her and she's got her top off and she's in her panties.
Howard asked Eric if she's really in a relationship with him. Eric said that is what's going on. Artie asked him if she knows that he paints his hair. Eric was silent for a moment when that was asked. Howard and the guys were goofing on Eric but Eric wasn't taking it very well this morning. He was very angry about this Kendra thing.
Howard asked Eric how he met this chick. Eric said that it was through this JFSC web site. High Pitch said that there are some other hot chicks who come in that chat too.
Howard asked Eric when he's going to meet this Kendra chick. He said ''hopefully soon.'' He claims she's his girlfriend but he hasn't met her in person. He said that he got a call from her last Wednesday night and talked to her for 2 and a half hours. Howard asked him when they told each other that they were falling in love. Eric said that was on Sunday night.
Eric said that he never said he loved this girl, he just asked her if she would be his girlfriend. Robin said that's what happens in these sex phone calls that some people do on the web. Howard wondered if she's exclusive to Eric. Eric seems to be under the impression that she is.
Howard said that Eric was turning more and more red as this was going on. Artie thought that he was picking his zit too but Eric said he was just trying to calm down. He went on to say that he hopes to get married to this chick eventually. Artie told him that there's a better chance of her marrying a coyote.
Jessica Hahn called in and asked Eric if this Kendra was the girl that was with Hugh Hefner. Eric was gone because Howard had accidentally hung up on him. He said he didn't do that intentionally. He thanked High Pitch for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard has created a monster with this guy. He said his problem is that he's never been smacked. Artie said that God smacked him pretty hard. The caller thinks that Eric is delusional and there's no way that this chick is rally going to date him. Robin said that it is funny that he thinks that she's actually going to date this woman. She said that it's probably not even her real name. She wondered if he's paying for these phone calls to this girl.
Howard said he wished that he hadn't hung up on him, he didn't mean to. He said that it would be nice if Eric could have that kind of love that Robin and Jim Florentine have. Artie said that Jim called him last night but they ended up playing phone tag. He said that Jim left him a message saying that it was the deep thinker calling. He said that was pretty funny. Robin said that she's as delusional as Eric is thinking that Jim is a deep thinker. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard Replays Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Bit. 01/20/04. 7:15am
Howard talked about how Howard Dean went nuts yesterday at the Iowa Caucus. He had tape of that to play so he and Robin discussed that for a short time. Howard said that the papers were saying that Howard Dean had a ''meltdown'' at the Caucus. Howard played the tape of Dean getting all excited about all of the other places that they were going. Howard said they were talking about how weird the guy looked when he was flipping out. Howard said he didn't think he was acting nuts, he was just showing some excitement. Then Dean yells out ''Yeah!'' at one point and it sounded kind of odd. Howard and Robin talked about some of the other stuff that was being said about Dean in the news.
Dean sounded kind of like Artie doing his AC/DC ''Fi-AH'' thing so the guys played some AC/DC and threw in Dean's ''YEAH!'' sound which was very similar. Artie said they really should play that AC/DC music behind the guy when he's yelling out all of the states. Howard and the guys went on to talk about some of the other candidates and the stuff they were talking about in their speeches. They had to take a break a little while later.
In the clip from WNBC Howard and Robin were waiting for Frank to come in. Frank came in and said he heard he had the chance to do the show he did last night. Howard said he's talking about CBS Night Watch. He said he was asked to be on with some people who are going after ''pornographic rock.'' Howard said there are some people who want the lyrics printed on the albums. Howard said he's all for that. He said he isn't going to argue about that.
Howard said he was told he couldn't say certain things so he just backed out of it. He said he should have gone on and debated. Howard said he thinks they tried to get David Crosby to do it but he doesn't even know what planet he's on. Howard said he's going to go see them and throw drugs on stage. Howard said what they should do it taunt the man on stage for 3 hours. Howard said he and Robin went to see the Beach Boys once and taunted Brian Wilson while he was on stage.
Howard said Frank agreed to do that interview thing. Frank said he turned it down at first. Then he changed his mind and said someone had to go in there and argue and tell them they were full of shit. Howard and Robin told him he has to watch what he says. Frank said that they should talk about the FCC and how they're not there to control speech. He said they're there to control the frequency of the station and make sure it's not infringing on someone else's.
Howard said that he can say doody but not anything else. He said that he uses those words in his regular life and it's not normal to avoid saying them. He said that they don't even want him farting on the air.
Howard said the question for Frank was why he wasn't at Live Aid. Frank said he thinks that was the biggest cocaine money laundering scheme of all time. He said that's just his opinion as an individual. He said that sending food to Ethiopia is a good idea but the food doesn't get to the people. He said that they should be setting them up with a way to grow their own food there.
Frank told Howard about the service charges on concert tickets and how ridiculous they are. He said he's never heard of that. He said they had a mega back stage area and if you wanted to eat in there you needed another ticket which was another 25 dollars. Frank said Prince was right for not doing it. Howard said he did send in a tape. Robin said Huey Lewis said he wasn't going to do it and didn't.
Howard said he didn't participate in any of that nonsense. Frank said he wouldn't have either but they didn't even ask him.
Howard said that he has been a fan of Frank's for many years. He said he knows Frank was a fan of his for many years too. Frank said he wasn't until he heard that bit he did earlier. Howard said he has Soupy Sales going in the news calling him an idiot and Jack Specter going to the general manager for phony phone calling him. He said everyone is mad at him.
Howard asked what record label he's with. Frank said he's on his own called Barking Pumpkin Records. frank said that he was with a record company but they had a woman there who refused to work on his album because of the lyrics. He said they ended up refusing to put the album out. Frank said that he finally made a deal with Capitol Records to distribute it but then they decided not to put it out. Howard said they did that with a comic he wanted to put out.
Howard said Frank is there and asked if he wanted to play Louie, Louie with him. Frank said maybe he can play drums. Howard said he has a guitar. Frank said that's fine.
After an edited out break Howard asked Frank if he was pushing anything. Frank said he's looking for people to send in money for him to go to Washington DC to talk about this music thing. Howard said he must be a millionaire. Frank said he's invested his money into his equipment and stuff. He said that the audience for him is smaller than it's ever been. He said what he does isn't appropriate for pop radio. He said he's not making millions on his music.
Frank told Howard that he was over at K-Rock doing an interview with Meg Griffin. Howard said he has a beef with her. He didn't say why.
Howard got on the piano and had Frank play ''Louie, Louie'' with him. Frank asked if the guitar was plugged in. He started to play and it was plugged in but didn't sound quite right. Howard started playing piano and singing. Frank didn't really do anything.
Howard and Frank talked about how TV shows cut out anything that they don't want to air because they pre-record a lot of things. They spent a little more time talking and Frank said he's glad that Howard is on the air and doing what he's doing. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Wendy The Retard Voice Mails Played. 09/26/07. 9:15am
After the break we heard some Iron Sheik from the Scott Ferrall show audio. We also heard another prank call that Sal and Richard made to the Community Cop cable access TV show. Fred also played Mark Harris' ''I'm A Gay Papa'' song before Howard came back.
Howard came back and said he was working on that song that he played earlier. He tried singing along to it again. It didn't go over so well so he stopped for a few seconds. He took a phone call but then started singing again. He ended up singing about Artie's weight this time. The caller on the line was singing along as well.
The caller said that he's not a huge sports fan but the Jerry Rice interview was very good. He said the guy is a class act. Howard said that he didn't know much about him before he was on Dancing with the Stars. The caller and Howard talked about that stuff for a short time.
Howard said that Wendy the Retard has been leaving them messages about being down on her luck. She left about four messages for him this week and she didn't sound all that retarded. She sounded like any other woman asking for money.
Howard played the first clip where Wendy was saying that he hasn't called her and he's not there for her while she's always there for him. Wendy said she needs his support so she can get some orange juice and other stuff. She was about to say she was tired of this bullshit but she got cut off. She called right back and left another message where she broke down crying and saying that Howard is a stubborn, selfish old man and told him to fuck off.
Howard didn't know why she was going on about this stuff. He said that they don't have her up to New York that often because they don't fly up, they end up driving up and her mother has to take time off of work to do that.
Wendy's third message was her crying again and saying that he never cared about her. She told Howard he was a fat ass fuck. Howard said he's not fat and said that he's gotten himself into shape over the years. He told Gary to send her a signed picture of him for her. In the next message Wendy was crying again and saying that it's fine if he doesn't care about her, just leave her alone and let her go back to not being able to afford anything. She said that she hates him in that message.
Howard had Wendy on the phone and she apologized for the messages. She said that she was aggravated because of some problems they had down there in Florida. She said they had some septic tank problems and other stuff. Her mother is tired of asking for money from her father. She said that they don't have a stove and they have all kinds of other problems. Howard said that maybe if they didn't order Pizza Hut they'd have some money. Wendy said that she has to pay half the rent and some of it goes to the bills. Howard told her to stop making phone calls.
Wendy said that they have 3 kids there to feed. She said that she baby sits her brother's kids and she doesn't get paid to do that. Howard said it sounds like the family is cheap, not him. Wendy said that her brother is on work release but he doesn't get home until Sunday. She said that he violated probation or something and that's why she's watching this kid. She also watches her sister's kid.
Artie said it sounds like her brother was married to her sister but Howard figured that it was a sister-in-law. It was funnier when Wendy was saying that her brother and sister were married and their kids were retarded. Howard said that maybe they can play a game with her and give her some money.
Howard asked Wendy how many shits she's taking every day. She said that she takes maybe 6 a day. Artie laughed and said ''How lady like...'' when he heard that. He also found out that she has the splats when she goes. That made him laugh even more. Howard asked her what she wipes with. She said that she uses baby wipes and takes a shower if she has to. She said that her underwear gets stained as well. Artie was laughing hysterically over that. He said that it was the funniest thing ever. He asked if she ever shits on her socks and she said yes to that. Artie was laughing really hard when he got those answers from her.
Howard told Wendy he was going to play a game with her and give her $500 if she could answer some questions. The prize was courtesy of the Man Groomer. Howard asked her how many shits she would have left if she took 6 and the dog ate two. She said there would be four and got it right. Howard said that was it, she won $500. Wendy then started talking about her boyfriend and how she met him at the bowling alley. She said that he's already cheating on her.
Artie asked Wendy if she's ever shit at the bowling alley. Wendy said she has and then told a story about bowling last week. She said that she had a number 2 coming out so she had to put the ball down and run to the bathroom. She ran there and didn't make it to the toilet, the shit fell on the floor and then she had to clean it up. Howard asked her some questions about that and then asked her what her score was. Artie got a few more laughs from that story. Howard wrapped up with her and was about to let her go when Artie asked her if she ever misses the toilet at home. She said she does and then her mother yells at her and hits her over the head until she cleans it up.
Howard told Wendy that this boyfriend of hers isn't really a boyfriend. She said that he was asking her to change her hair the first day he met her. She said that he is retarded and she has kissed him. Howard asked Wendy why she thinks it is that the people in this country can't find this country on a map. Her answer was no dumber than the chick who was on the Miss Teen USA pageant show.
Artie asked Wendy if she ever trims her big bush down below. She said she does and she also gets shit in her bush down there. She said she'll take a shower or a bath or wipe it with baby wipes when she does that. Artie started laughing again. Howard let Wendy go and said that if Artie was working at Creedmore he'd probably just be laughing at the patients.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he can't believe that Howard hasn't seen the Bionic Woman yet. Howard said he'll be watching tonight. The caller said he thought it was good but didn't want to spoil anything for him. That led to a discussion about this Justice League of America movie that's being made. Howard talked about that and let the caller go a short time later.
Another caller said that Bubba's show is a lot different than it was when he was on terrestrial radio. He said that Bubba comes off as a phony because he used to bad mouth Howard so much. Howard said they've been over that already. He said that he's been over it a bunch of times and Bubba has shown that he's a team player and he's on their side. Howard let the caller go and then got back to the Wendy stuff.
Howard said that Richard called Wendy after she left those messages and she was fine with everything like she'd forgotten about it all. Richard asked Wendy the Retarded Question of the Week which was about the world being flat or round. Wendy thinks it's flat. Gary the Retard said he thinks that it's round and flat. He said it's round when you look in the sky and flat when you look at the ground and finished up by saying ''It's both you retard.''
Howard talked about the band Ratt because they had played their ''Round and Round'' song at the end of the retard question thing.
Howard said that it's kind of funny that it's not all that crazy for someone to think that the world is flat, that's what people used to think many years ago. A phone caller told Howard that they have to give Wendy a show of her own. Howard brought up the shit stories and how awful it must be taking six a day. He wondered if she gets turds in her vagina. Robin said that she's not only doing that but she's bowling and shitting too.
In the first clip Howard was describing this masturbation machine he got for his birthday from a sponsor. He told the guys about how it looked and how it's supposed to work. He told them about some of the other things he got for his birthday including a movie poster for ''The Thing with Two Heads.'' He told Robin that he talked to Ratso about the masturbation machine and he thought it was fantastic. Howard said there was no way he was going to put his wiener anywhere near that thing. He said Ratso told him not to throw it out and watch the training video that was included. Howard said they recommend that you lubricate this thing and put your wiener in there. He said they say it can get up to 15 million revolutions per minute or something. Howard said he's going to bring this thing to Scores. He said it has a brush in it and you have to clean it out with that.
Howard said he's thinking of trying it out but he's afraid of it. Howard said he'll bring it in tomorrow and show them. He said the thing looks brutal. Howard said that everything looks like it's going to rip out. He said they claim it's better than being with a girl. He said he could probably hire about 50 hookers for the cost of that thing. It was $5,000. Howard said they have another thing for women too. He said that you sit on it like a saddle and it has attachments. He said that it gets you from the outside and the inside. Gary said it rotates and revolves. Howard said you kiss your woman while she's on it. Howard said you just kiss her while the saddle thing finishes her off. Howard said the saddle is washable. He said you can just roll it into a night stand so no one can see it. Howard said it looks ugly like a mini-bar in a hotel. Howard asked Gary to buy some K-Y for the show tomorrow. He said if this thing is good he may hold on to it.
Howard said Dr. Scott Connelly gave him this thing and he wanted to present it to him on stage. Gary stopped that from happening. Gary said he didn't feel it was appropriate to do that at the time. Howard said he's glad he stopped him.
Howard's $5,000 masturbation machine... 1-16-96.
One of Howard's birthday presents was a $5,000 masturbation machine called Venus 2. It was given to him by a sponsor. Howard tried it out on his finger this morning to see if it was safe to use on his wiener. While the thing was whacking off his finger it went wacko and popped off! Howard thought it might not be such a great idea to use it on his weenie so he had one of the E! crew give it a try...on the air! 'Gump', as he's called, gave it a whirl while on the jock lounge phone with Howard. He seemed to be enjoying it when Howard asked Robin to go in to the room just to make sure that the guy was actually using the thing. She popped her head in and he WAS using the thing. 'Gump' stopped after Howard hung up the phone because he felt 'odd' about using it. He gave it an 8 rating out of 10 for pleasure. He said it wasn't like the real thing but it was pretty darn good. What is this world cumming to!?
Sal The Stockbroker Steps Over The Line. 09/23/04. 6:10am
Howard said that they hired Sal the Stockbroker (HorseToothJackass.com) to help out there but they have some problems with him. Sal comes in during the commercials with the rest of the guys and he's been handing Howard stuff during the break. He told him to go through Gary with bits and stuff. Then yesterday they had the Sacramento midday deejay Stefani in. During the break Sal told her that she looked like Tina Yothers. Howard told him that's an insult and he has to read situations like that. Sal asked Howard if he noticed the camel toe on that chick yesterday. He wasn't getting what Howard was telling him and continued to talk about that for a short time. Sal apologized about that but there was more.
Sal went into the green room yesterday and insulted Jon Stewart by calling him Ben Stiller. He was just goofing around with him. Sal said he thinks that Jon stinks in his opinion but Howard doesn't want him insulting his guests like that. Sal also told Jon that his bit on the Emmys sucked and he should fire his writing team. That's a major insult as well and that's setting Jon up for a really bad day. Sal said that his intentions are good because he taped that bit he was doing. Howard and Robin told him he can't do that kind of stuff because they could chase away guests.
Gary asked Sal if he taped Bonnie McFarlane when he was talking to her in the green room. He said he didn't do that because Gary was in there at the time. Richie from E! came in and told Howard that Sal IM's him every day with stuff he wants to do to people there and he wanted to put Wasabe in the Dunkin' Munchkins that Artie eats every morning. Howard told him he can't do stuff like that. Howard was still on the subject of Stefani. He couldn't figure out why Sal was bothering her like that. Sal was still insulting her while Howard was talking about that and it was obvious that he just wasn't getting it.
Sal tried to explain what he wanted to do to Artie with that Munchkin thing. Howard didn't want to hear it and told Sal that if someone ever messed with his food, he'd have them arrested. He told him that if he wants to do a bit there, he has to go through Gary who will then come to him with it. He also told Sal to stop going to High Pitch Erik with everything that goes on there. Sal said that Erik comes to him. They're just giving Sal a tryout there at the station so he has to be careful in everything he does.
Sal says that if he tells Gary stuff that he wants to do, he'll run in and tell Howard the idea and take it as his own. Gary and Howard both said that the ideas are always credited to the person who came up with them. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal is his new favorite person on the show. He loved that he was obsessing on Stefani's camel toe.
Sal followed Fred into the bathroom yesterday and wanted to record a play-by-play of what he does in there. Fred wanted nothing to do with that. Sal also asked if he could get into this Lotus Notes group that Fred and Will are part of and Fred told him that he doesn't want him to be part of it because he doesn't like him. Gary said that Sal came up with a bit where he asks Robin questions about spitting or swallowing or something like that and they were impressed with the stuff he comes up with... but then he also insults Howard's guests. Howard told him that it doesn't do any good to insult his guests like that. Gary told Sal that his guests have to feel like that place is a safe haven and they shouldn't be attacked there.
Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and said that he's been good to Sal but he did something to him on Monday that wasn't nice. He taped a sign to his back that said ''Ass Kissing Homo'' while he was there with Jason Alexander promoting the new TV show. Vinnie told Sal that he can't trust him anymore because of that. He told him that he'd Jumped the Shark after that. You can read Sal's story and see pictures of that at HowardStern.com.
Sal says that he's just testing people out there to see what he can get away with. Howard said that he has to be more careful with that stuff though. He told Sal that he doesn't want a show going on when they're off the air either. He only cares about what's going on when they're on the air.
A caller told Sal that sometimes he just goes too far with his bits. Sal said that's what he does though. He's always stepped over the border a little bit. Howard told him that if things work out he could be there for the long term. Mariann from Brooklyn called in and screeched at Sal about not screwing up this job. Howard wondered how long it'll be before he really screws up and they have to let him go. Robin gave him 30 days, Howard gave him 2 weeks. Artie said Sal had an idea for a bit he wanted to do but he warned him that it might be a bad idea. Sal said that idea had something to do with Gary but he didn't want to talk about it. Howard said he heard that Sal wanted to quit last Friday for some reason. Sal said that he didn't think he was delivering for them, even though he was. Howard cut him off there and took his first commercial break.
What Happened To KC's $330,000? 08/18/04. 7:30am
KC came in to make a big announcement this morning. He has always been ripped on about gambling because it's for losers. He was playing GoldenPalace.com a little while ago. He was playing a game called ''Let it Ride'' which is a card game. He explained the game and how it works. He was dealt a hand that could have led to a royal flush. He turned over the fourth card and had 4 cards in the same suit. He hit the royal flush and hit a $330,000 payout. It happened a few months ago. He moved to a new apartment that was double what he was paying before. He didn't wait for that check to arrive before he moved though.
KC said there was a second part to this story. He said that he was going to fix the cavities in his teeth and he was going to clear up his debts and stuff. Howard knew the story was going downhill from here. He figures that KC can't quit the job because he probably owes him money. KC said that the cash out is supposed to take four days. Now it turns out that the payout is over time. He gets paid $4000 a week for a year and a half so things were looking good for him and his family. They've never had that kind of money before. He was going to be comfortable for the first time in his life.
KC decided to go back on GoldenPalace.com and dick around a little more. He just wanted to screw around a little bit and play some $100 slot machines and stuff. All of a sudden he realized that he was down $20,000. The money just wasn't real to him at this point. He blew all of that within a day or so. This all took place back in February. Howard wondered how he had time to do all of this stuff. KC said it all happened in the course of a week... and he lost ALL OF IT! $330,000 gone!
Gary said that KC came to him when he had $200,000 left in his account and told him what happened. Gary congratulated him on that and begged him to stop. A couple of weeks later he was complaining about his life and how he was broke. That's when he found out that he'd blown all of that money.
Even Artie was hoping that KC wouldn't blow all of that money but it all went wrong. Howard asked KC how much his father made in his best year. It was probably around $40,000. He could have blown that amount out of the water but he blew it. KC thought that Howard was beating him while he was down. KC said he was uncomfortable being comfortable and that's why he sabotaged himself. He still thinks that the online casino is the way to go if you're going to gamble. KC says that he has stopped gambling since then.
Zolar called in to tell KC what a loser he was for blowing that amount of money. Some other people called in and went off on him as well. That led to the guys talking about how football season is coming up so KC will probably be betting. KC said he really doesn't care about sports now because he's not betting. He knows about football just because he's a football fan. Artie doesn't believe what KC is saying and he thinks that he will eventually bet again. A phone caller told Howard that he won $200,000 in a lawsuit and lived for 4 years on that and still has some leftover.
KC has a great apartment now and it's costing him double the amount his previous one did. Now he has to work every weekend and does every gig he can get. KC said that he couldn't believe how fast that amount of money could disappear. Howard told him that he's really sick. He needs to go to gamblers anonymous. Dominic Barbara called in and said that he should have called him for help when all of this was going on. KC said he had a list of people he was going to help out with this money. He said that he kept a list of people who helped him out when they didn't have to and he wanted to pay them back. Dominic said that he has given up on trying to help KC with his mental problems. KC said that he's not a selfish person and he never had the money in his hand so he couldn't pay him back for the help he gave him.
Tom Chiusano wondered if there was really a deal for KC to pay Dominic back for the help he provided. There was no agreement for him to pay him back as far as anyone knew. Dominic may have just been trying to point out how big of a deal this was that KC blew all of that money. Howard figures that KC must be the worst player ever to have blown all of that money that quick. He told him that this mental illness makes Artie look healthy. Howard believes that he is very ill and proved it with this whole thing. A woman called in and said that she didn't believe a word of this and that it was just a shameless plug for GoldenPalace.com. Howard said he wishes that were the case. Richard Christy called in as the Head Fag from the Playgirl mansion and told KC about a game of Texas Hold 'em that they were playing this weekend. He said that if KC can catch the 10 cowboys in their assless chaps, he can hold 'em.
Gary said the guys in the back were talking about how KC could have bought his own slot machine and filled it with $20,000 and had a party at his place. Scott the Engineer came in and asked if this means that KC is the biggest loser on the show now. Howard said that Scott is still the biggest loser, not KC. That led to the guys talking about the offer Scott had to win $250,000 to receive anal sex. He was going to do it until his family convinced him that it was a bad idea. Howard spent a couple of minutes goofing on him about that before going to commercial.
Kym And Julissa From The Black Entertainment Television Network. 10/31/01. 8:00am
Kym and Julissa from the ''Oh Drama'' TV show on the BET cable network came in to discuss OJ Simpson with Howard. The two women did a show with OJ recently and Howard played tape of the interview on the show. They kissed his ass like crazy on the show. Howard wanted to find out why they treated the guy like that on the show. They spoke to him about parenting and made him look like a good guy. Howard pointed out over and over again that OJ is not a good guy and they should have brought up the fact that he beat his wife. He also wondered why they didn't talk to him about the murder of his wife. The women told Howard that they signed an agreement with OJ's lawyer that said they couldn't talk to him about the trial. Howard said they just shouldn't have had him on the show if they had to make an agreement like that.
Kym told Howard that she believes in the justice system and that OJ was found innocent so she believes that. Julissa, on the other hand, wouldn't say whether or not she believes OJ is guilty of the murders. She said it doesn't matter what she thinks and they had him on the show to talk to him about other things. Robin spoke up a few times telling them that OJ was a wife beater and asked how they could ask him about parenting tips on the show. They kept telling her that they weren't there and they don't know that he beat her. They also said that a lot of men beat their women and the only reason we care about OJ is because he's famous. It sounded like they were defending the fact that he beat his wife. They sounded kind of dopey to be honest. Howard went back and forth with the women for a while but nothing seemed to sink into their heads.
Howard took a few phone calls and most of the callers felt the same way Howard did. King of all Blacks called in and agrees with what Howard and Robin said. He also admitted that he beats his girlfriend. That was a surprising development. He said he just beat her last week because she took his car instead of her own because hers was dirty.
Howard continued this for about a half hour before ending the fun. He plugged their stuff and wrapped it up. Kym has her own web site at KymWhitley.com. You can find out more about their show over at BET.com/OhDrama
Win Fred's Money. 1/4/02. 9:15am
Comedian Greg Fitzsimmons (GregFitzsimmons.com) stopped in just as Howard was preparing for Win Fred's Money. Howard spent a short time talking to Greg about his hair loss and what he's done to try and stop it from happening. He moved on to the game a short time later.
This guy Cal wrote a letter recently claiming that he could beat Fred at his own game, Win Fred's Money. Fred said the guy kept sending the letter over and over again until he finally got on the show. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to him and then got to the game. The object of Win Fred's Money is to answer as many of the seven questions Howard asks as you can in under 60 seconds. Fred is held in Robin's booth so he can't hear the questions. After the contestant answers the questions Fred is brought in to answer them. If the contestant beats Fred he or she wins $10,000 courtesy of CBS.SportsLine.com. Here are the questions:
Win Fred's Money Rematch. 2/27/02. 7:50am
This guy Cal played against Fred in ''Win Fred's Money'' in January and complained that he was cheated out of his win. He said that the two of them both got 4 questions right but Fred answered them quicker. Cal complained that Fred said that he was passing on one of his questions so that answer shouldn't count. Howard and Gary said that you can yell out your correct answer at any point even if you say ''pass'' on that question. Howard said it doesn't really matter though, because Fred will beat him this time anyway. Gary said that this guy has been e-mailing them threatening to sue them if they don't have him on the show again.
Howard was really annoyed but he sent Fred off to the sound-proof booth and played the game once again. Howard told Cal that he's a sore loser but he's going to enjoy watching Fred beat his ass in this game. Here are the questions and correct answers:
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:45am.
Pete From Pittsburgh And Mariann From Brooklyn Go Off On Artie. 07/23/08. 6:10am
Howard took a call from a guy, Pete from Pittsburgh, who said that Artie has become an unlistenable egomaniac since he got back from Afghanistan. The guy said that Artie is interrupting Howard too much. Howard said that he hasn't noticed that Artie is interrupting him the way the caller said. He said that he has gotten more vocal since he got back though.
Pete went off on Artie saying that he thinks that he's good looking and he's getting all kinds of hot chicks and stuff. Artie went off on Pete and goofed on him about being on the phone all the time and told him to send in a picture of himself so he can see what he looks like. Pete went off on Artie for disrespecting Donald Trump and things like that. Artie said that he doesn't care and told Pete to go to work and stop listening to the show.
Pete was cursing Artie out and Artie was calling him a douche bag and told him to come out and see him there and they'll talk. Artie said he has a feeling that the guy doesn't work and he has time to do this stuff. Pete said that he is unemployed. He said he was a bartender. That led to Artie laughing at him and goofing on him about that. He told him that he has to be hideous too and wants to see what he looks like.
Pete said that he can get women because he is a bartender. Artie figured he was one at TGI Fridays. Pete said that he smokes a lot of marijuana so he hasn't been able to get a job. He said he's been listening to the other shows on Howard's channels and he just hasn't been able to find anything. That led to Artie calling him a fag and saying that he's probably sucked a cock. Pete said that when he was on ecstasy one time he may have done something but it was just that time. Then he said he was just kidding about that.
Artie said that he has no balls to yell at Howard and that's why he's yelling at him. Artie told him to tell Howard to shut off his microphone and he'll turn him off and then he'll go out and get another job. He said he's been working for many years in the business and he'll have no problem finding another job.
Fred asked Pete if he's ever tried to get back stage at one of Artie's shows before. Pete said he has been to a show but never tried to get back stage. Artie figured that the guy is just a jealous prick and he should go kill himself by jumping off a bridge. He said that he will pay SIRIUS double what this guy pays for his subscription to get rid of him.
Another caller said that Pete is always calling the Wrap Up Show going off on Artie. Artie said he knows, he's heard this guy call in before. Another caller said that he kind of agrees with Pete and ever since he got back he's been talking too much. He said that he's kind of taking over the show.
Artie told Pete he's just a jerk off and he should go blow Terry Bradshaw. Howard took another call from a woman who said that she has to disagree with this guy because Artie is awake and alive on the show and she loves it. Howard said that he guesses that Artie has his fans and people that don't like him. The woman said that they're all engaging and she loves it.
Artie said that the online things they do there are stupid but they did have a vote that said that 44 percent of the people like him the best on the show. Artie said that he hopes that Pete has AIDS from that gay act and he should go off with High Pitch Mike and die. Artie told him to go get another wacky weed joint and shove it up his ass. The woman on the phone told Pete to go fuck himself too.
Artie said that he'd like to talk to this douche bag in person. Pete said he'd like to knock him out. Pete said that Artie was raised by women so that's why he turned out the way he did. Artie said that Pete must have been raised by his father because he turned out to be a pothead bartender. He said that maybe his father could bore him to death with his life story.
Pete asked Artie if he really wants to meet him. Artie said he does and told Pete to write a letter to Hertz with a Crayon and see if they'll send him a car. Either that or hitchhike to New York. Artie said that he's overstayed on his quota for the morning and he's got to stop talking. Artie blamed Pete for making him talk so much this morning.
Artie said that this is how half of his friends talk to him so he'll probably end up being friends with this guy. Pete said he had to get going and ended up hanging up.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told Artie she'd take him on. She said that he's got some kind of hang up with her. Artie said that she's the one who brings up his name all the time but Mariann said that it was him who brought up her name this morning. She wasn't even going to call in.
Howard said that coming up at 7 o'clock this morning is Artie's heart attack. Artie was doing an impression of Mariann from Brooklyn and goofed on her. He kept saying that he hates her and called her a cunt a bunch of times. He said that he'd take her on after Pete. Then he said that he can't touch a woman. Then he took back the cunt comment and said that he can't disrespect an Italian woman like that.
Mariann told Artie to go fuck himself and go stick his dick in a blender. She said that she doesn't use it anyway. Artie said that he'd use it to shut her up.
Artie pointed out that Mariann is friends with High Pitch Eric so Howard asked what she thinks about what he did recently. Mariann said that she's worried about him and she thinks that he's not all there. She said that she did buy him two slices of pizza the other day though. She said she's not sure why he goes to that level the way he does. She asked Artie why he goes to that level using heroin and stuff like that. Artie tried to explain but she was talking over him.
Mariann asked if she can do another radio show because she's going to work on some topics for the next one. Howard let her go a short time later after Artie called her a cunt-cock.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that people in England can be held for 3 days for an investigation. They don't even have to release the real reasons that someone was arrested.
In the clip Howard was talking about how George Hamilton got upset with him for goofing on him. He said that George said he was calling him out and he was going to beat him up. Howard said he has a bunch of old guys who want to beat him up. He has James Garner and now George Hamilton.
Howard said he had tape to play of George Hamilton's wife, Alana, talking about what he said. Howard said that he got nasty about her in an interview and then he got nasty about her husband. Howard played the tape and Alana was telling George what Howard had said and George made a comment about how that's all he can do. Howard said he's not even sure what that means. Robin said he's talking about Howard's performance and that's all he does as a performer asking women to sleep with him. Howard said he thought he meant that's all he can do like he can't sleep with women but only ask.
Howard played more of the audio and goofed on Hamilton about how uptight the guy is. Howard said that the guy is jealous of him for doing movies and George is just doing TV. Howard said he was in some cool movie where he was communicating with fish or something. Howard said someone must know what he's talking about.
Howard said this fool should have gotten upset about Imelda Marcos, not about him. In the audio clip George was calling Howard out and making it sound like he was challenging him to a fight. Howard said George does nothing but hang out and he should be a good fighter. Howard said he's not a good communicator. He said they gave him a talk show after he sat in for Regis for a week.
Hamilton was talking about Howard being a 6 foot 5 hormone. He said he's made for radio. Howard said that idiot is still tanning even though they say that it's linked to skin cancer. Howard said the guy has to tan to get darker. He said he has an empty head.
Howard did a voice with echo which was supposed to be the voice in Hamilton's head. Howard had him asking dumb questions to himself about tanning. Howard said he claims to be a tanning expert. Howard goofed on him for a few minutes about the tanning thing. Howard had him telling himself to face the sun since he had done his back the day before. He came up with a new system for tanning where he'd tan face up on alternate days. He had him realizing that he can't do it that way because there's an odd number of days in the week. He had him thinking about Imelda Marcos and things like that. He had George talking about how dark he is and how he's just past the color of Lisa Bonet and now he's on his way to Sinbad.
Howard said the guy is a tanning expert and he's not ashamed of it. Howard went back into the echo voice and asked himself if he could tan himself inside his head. He said there is room for a tanning lamp inside that head. Howard said he knew there was something up when they cast him as a tan Dracula. Howard said Dracula can't go in the sun. Howard said there must have been a Polish casting agent.
Howard said that George is on his way to kicking his ass now. Robin said it's easy to make those threats when he's 3000 miles away. Howard played more audio where George was saying he doesn't care but it's obvious he does. Howard replayed him saying he doesn't care a couple of times.
Howard played more audio of George threatening him. George told him to pick on someone his own size. Howard said he'd like him to just walk in and get in a Karate stance and then he just blows his brains out all over the wall. He said just imagine being his son and talking about how he's the tannest man in the neighborhood. Howard said his son doesn't tan at all. He said Alana talks to him like he's a dummy. He did an impression of her talking to George and had them talking in a monotone. Howard said that they're some couple. He said the guy used to party with Imelda Marcos in the Philippines. Howard said that's something else. They went to break a short time later.
The Dixie Chicks Perform Live. 05/25/06. 8:40am
Howard came back from break playing some Dixie Chicks song. Howard said that they were still setting up in the studio and they'll be performing a Stevie Nicks song for them. Howard welcomed the Chicks to the show and said that they were all looking very good. They're all whipped into shape.
Howard said that they have the biggest entourage that they've ever had on the show. He said they counted 37 people. He also said that the Chicks have sold 30 million records and that's pretty impressive for any group to do. There was a lot of noise in the room so Howard complained about that a little bit but moved on because he had no idea where it was coming from.
Howard asked the girls how they got started. The band started in 1989 but Natalie didn't join until 1995. The girls all agreed to split the money equally even though they don't all write and compose the songs together. Howard said that Adam Duritz from Counting Crows splits the money with the whole band even though he's the one writing the songs.
Howard asked the girls about getting laid but they're all married so they're not all out getting screwed. They said that they all have nannies who take care of their kids and they're the one's out getting laid. Howard asked them why they would hire hot nannies because their husbands might be home banging them. One of the girls said that if they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat no matter who it is.
Howard said he'd love to be married to one of the Dixie Chicks. They'd all be out on the road making the money while he stays home. The girls talked about their husbands and how they had their husbands sign pre-nups. One of the girls, Marty, said that her husband is from Ireland and he claimed that he didn't know what one was.
Wendy the Retard called in because she's a big fan of theirs. She said she went to one of their concerts and liked that. Howard told her to sing one of their songs for them so Wendy played one of their songs and screeched out the lyrics. Howard hung up on her and asked the girls if they knew what song that was. They had no idea.
Howard asked the backup singers if they tried to bang the Chicks at all. One of the guys said that his wife is the hot blonde in the dressing room. Artie had mentioned her earlier and said that she was really hot.
Howard asked the girls where they came up with their name. One of the girls said that they used to be called the Dixie Chickens and they got it from a Little Feet song but they eventually shortened it. Natalie is a fan of Howard's show and she knows it pretty well. She said she's been listening even more now that it's on satellite. She said that Howard used to say some nasty things about them. Howard took back what he's said about them because they're in great shape now. Howard apologized for what he said about them back when they said some things about President Bush a few years back.
The girls said that things got really bad when the Red Cross refused to take a million dollars from them. They couldn't believe that they had so much negative feedback after expressing their opinions on what they thought about the war in Iraq. Howard said that Iraq is a mess right now and it will be a mess for a long time. It may never be right. The Chicks lost a lot of fans because of their comments but they said that they just move on from there and put that behind them.
The girls said that they're not getting a lot of air play because of what went on a few years ago. Howard asked if Clear Channel is still one of the companies giving them a problem. He explained how they got rid of him after he came out against the war a few years back. He thinks that they fired him because of that and blamed the FCC for the firing. The Chicks said that Clear Channel hasn't given them that much of a problem but Cumulus (Corrected to Cox later) banned them all together. They said that Clear Channel gave their stations the choice to ban them if they wanted to. They were very sneaky about it while Cumulus (Cox) wasn't.
The Chicks said that Clear Channel didn't have a problem booking them for gigs at their venues. They have no problem making money off of them. Howard found out that Marty had a threesome at one point so he tried to get more information about that. She said that it was more of an unwanted friend coming into the room while she and her boyfriend were having sex. Natalie was the one who put the story out there so Marty wasn't too thrilled about that.
Howard and the guys asked Marty about what she was doing to get the guys. She said that she was doing more than drinking but didn't want to get into it too far. She asked where her publicist was and ended up hitting herself in the head with a microphone accidentally.
The subjects got changed and Natalie said that she lives near Sandra Bernhard. Howard asked her if Sandra ever tried to drag her to Kaballa. She said that has never happened. Howard wanted the girls to perform a song. He gave them a plug for their new album ''Taking The Long Way'' and web site DixieChicks.com. He then had them perform their cover of ''Landslide.''
After the song Howard told the girls that they could perform that all day long for him. He said it was really good. He asked them if they've heard from Stevie Nicks about the song. They said that they've actually performed it with her. Howard said that Stevie might be into a three way with the girls.
Howard thanked the girls for speaking out against the war. He gave them some plugs for their stuff and then took some phone calls. One guy told them how great they were and how happy he is that they play them on the Country stations there at SIRIUS. Wendy the Retard called back in and asked for an autograph. The girls said that they would do that no problem. Howard took another call from a woman who thanked Howard for having the Chicks on. She said that she thinks they got a bum rap for the comments they made and this country is supposed to be all about free speech.
Howard told the girls that he was thinking about a three way with the girls right then... and he'd probably leave himself out of that three way. Brent Hatley from Bubba the Love Sponge's show called in and apologized for his stance on the girl's comments, he now says that he's glad that they haven't backed down from their stance. He was also telling them that he worked for Clear Channel for 11 years and he knows that every decision comes down from corporate so if they were banned, it came from corporate.
Howard let Brent go and took another call from a guy who said he hates Country music but he's digging their new single. Ralph called in and said that he respects that they never backed down on their stance on the war. He also asked ''the dirty one'' to get on the Sybian. That wasn't going to happen though.
Howard said that there's nothing better than a hot chick who is into doing a threesome. He started to wrap up after that and said that he was going to play their new single ''Not Ready To Make Nice'' which is basically all about what went on with them being banned after coming out against the war. They're not looking to cater to radio stations so they didn't hold back with that song.
Howard played the song and asked if they had any songs about the threesome. Natalie was kind of jealous that she didn't have a threesome because Howard was so interested in that story. Howard took another phone call after that and one guy asked what kind of panties the girls were wearing. Natalie said she doesn't wear them at all. She said she won't wear them until the war is over. Howard asked her if she packs a vibrator when she goes on the road. She said she won't pack one when flying but she does own one. Howard figured that she might accidentally show something down there but she said she's a pro and that doesn't happen.
Emily said that she was wearing underwear so Howard asked her about the vibrator thing. She said that she went to a sex toy party one time but she thought it was kind of strange. She said that she has used one and she doesn't mind it if her husband uses one on her.
Marty said she has to wear underwear. Natalie said they have to tell that story. She said that Marty attempted to go pantyless but they went to Nobu down in Miami once and when they were leaving Nobu she had to ask if there was a stain on her dress. She asked Natalie to check her dress and she had a stain because she got kind of moist from the interviewer who was there. She said she has no problem getting lubricated when she's with a man. Howard asked her if she brings a vibrator with her. She said her husband is with her most of the time so she doesn't need one.
Natalie thought that Howard masturbated every day but he told her that he's slowed down a bit since getting together with Beth. Gary told Howard that Benjy wanted to ask a question so Howard let him speak. Benjy asked if Howard would have a problem with radio stations banning the girls if they had said something about killing all of the fags or something like that. Howard said he thinks it's wrong that they're banning their music for what they said but Benjy thinks that it's up to the company to decide because they're trying to run a business. The Chicks were saying that the worst thing is that it's the big companies like Clear Channel that ban them from all of their stations instead of letting the individual stations decide for themselves.
Benjy kept arguing with Natalie even though Howard told him to stop. Marty said she kind of agrees with Benjy because they are trying to run a company. That led to Benjy asking about burning the flag to protest the war. Marty was against it, Howard said he's all for it.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked which of the girls give the best head. Howard said that was disgusting but wanted to know the answer. Natalie said that they don't know who gives the best but Marty is pretty experienced because her stories used to start off ''So, I was giving this guy a blow job...'' Howard asked about swallowing. Natalie said that she's tasted it but she won't swallow it. Marty said that she will hold it in her mouth until she can find the proper place to put it. Howard asked what the proper place is.
Emily was being very quiet so he asked her what was going on. Emily said she wants to know why guys are so into having girls swallow it. Howard said that guys like to finish where they're at. When a girl spits it out, it's like they're saying ''Eww, you're gross.'' Natalie said that Emily can't answer a question with a question so she wanted to know if she swallows. Emily said it all depends on how drunk she is.
Richard came in and asked if the girls get their periods at the same time. They weren't sure about that. He also asked if they shave in similar ways. They haven't seen everyone so they weren't sure. Natalie said she shaves fully.
Howard wrapped up with the girls after that and gave them another plug for their album and web site. He thanked them for coming in and went to commercial break.
Robin Loses 15 Pounds In A Week! 06/11/07. 6:00am
Howard started off the show saying that Robin's Dr. Roni waits for the show to start before she brings in Robin's drink. Robin said she's supposed to have her drink at 6 o'clock, that's why. Howard asked her how her diet (21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox) has been going. She said she's doing fine. Howard said her face is looking thinner already. He also asked her if she's been shitting her brains out. She said she really hasn't.
Robin said she wasn't going to say how much she's lost even though she's been keeping track. She said she didn't want to shock him and said it was 500 pounds. Howard said he wanted to know so she told him that it was actually 15 pounds in one week. Howard congratulated her on that. He seemed to think that was pretty good. He said he could see it in her face.
Robin said that Judith Regan came over for the weekend and they had a good time. That led to Howard talking about working with Judith when he was writing his book. He said that she used to tell him stories about how she'd keep herself hidden from men when she'd sleep with them. She'd hide parts of herself every time and she'd wear a shirt or something like that to keep it hidden.
Howard asked Robin if Judith shit her brains out. Robin said they both got coffee enemas in different parts of the house. It was all three of them giving themselves the coffee enemas. Robin said that it's organic coffee that they use to do that. Howard asked how they get that into their asshole. Robin said you put it into an enema bag and do it that way. Howard wanted to smell her ass to see if it smelled like coffee. Robin said she had a burn in her ass like she had too much coffee after the enema. She said it was like she had too much but it was in the wrong place. She said it was in her colon instead.
Howard asked how the enema thing works so Robin gave him the details about how the bag works. She said she was in her shower laying on the floor to do it. He asked her if she looks at herself and asks how it came to that. She didn't seem to have a problem with it though. Howard wanted to find out why they use coffee so he asked Dr. Roni to come in and tell them about it. She came in and gave them her reasons. Robin also said that you're supposed to hold that stuff inside yourself for 10-15 minutes. Robin said she lasted about 12 minutes. Dr. Roni said Judith lasted about 15 minutes. Dr. Roni said she can last about 10 minutes herself. She said she can feel the pain in her stomach that lets her know that she has to release it.
Howard goofed on Dr. Roni doing an impression of her talking to her partner about how she was scamming Robin and Judith with the coffee enema thing. He was making up new stuff like how she was going to have Robin wear tin foil on her breasts to use as an anti-oxidant. Howard had everyone cracking up with the made-up stories. He was doing the voice of Dr. Roni and her male partner discussing all of that stuff. Artie said that she should write a book about how she can make celebrities do the most ridiculous shit.
Howard played a song parody from Mike Morse where he sings about how Robin found someone to give her a high colonic. He played another one where Richard sings about how she has too much money doing this stuff. In another one Sal sings about her pouring coffee in her asshole.
Howard asked Dr. Roni if she gets a lot of crap out of these people when they take their enemas. She said that they do get some doody to come out. Robin said that she and Judith enjoyed their enemas and they got their energy from them. Robin said her voice was kind of getting kind of raspy and that went away after the enema. She and Dr. Roni talked about some of the other stuff they did over the weekend as far as exercise and stuff like that. Howard went back into his impression of Dr. Roni for a few seconds. Artie said he loves the voice he gave to her partner.
Ralph called in and asked Robin how many of those she took this weekend. Robin said it was just one enema. She said they relaxed, went swimming, rode bikes and did things like that for the rest of the weekend. Ralph was laughing when he heard all of that. Robin said that Judith Regan was wearing a bikini which surprised Howard. He wanted to know if her belly was loose or tight. She said that she wasn't really looking at her that close. Ralph was asking the same questions that they had already asked earlier in the morning so Howard hung up on him. Howard said he was very surprised that Judith was wearing a bikini. He wondered if there was any cellulite. Robin didn't see any. Dr. Roni said she thought she looked great in the bikini and the cellulite isn't there.
Howard asked if anyone took a picture of Judith in a bikini. No one had but Howard still wanted to know what kind of shape she was in. Robin said she looked great and that was it. She said that they had a good time down there at her house just hanging out. Howard said he can't picture Judith in a bikini. He asked Robin to take notes next time so he knows what she looked like. Howard said that coffee enema thing is wild.
Howard said that he had some chicken parm the night she was having her coffee enema. Robin said that's clogging him all up and said ''yuck'' when she heard it. Robin said that she doesn't like food but Howard said if that was the case she wouldn't have gotten as big as she did. Robin said that she's not eating the same kind of crap that Artie is eating as much as she'd like to. She said that when she does eat something, it just sits there. She said she's trying to change her eating habits now so that's what this diet is all about. She and Dr. Roni have discussed the maintenance plan and she will stick to what she's been told to stick to. Dr. Roni told Howard some of the stuff Robin will be eating and it will be a healthy plan. She said she can have eggs and fish after this initial diet is over.
Ralph called back in and said that Robin does like food, she just eats the wrong stuff. She said she never eats pasta like he was saying she did but he claimed she did. Robin said that he's the one who orders that stuff like Calamari and things like that. He claims that she was eating pasta and things like that but she denied it. Ralph said he also pays for every meal they have together. She said that's not true either, it's not every one. He said it's most of them. Howard said that Ralph does order up a ton of food when they go out to eat. Howard said Ralph put him on his diet and that's worked out pretty well for him. Ralph said he tried to get Robin on that plan too but she eats pasta. He claims that she eats bread too but she denied that as well. Howard let Ralph go again and Robin said that while Ralph was eating the last time they were out, she was in the bathroom sick. She said that she wasn't eating any pasta or anything like that.
Howard said that he can't believe that Dr. Roni is still with Robin after this week. Roni said she's going to be around for another day but tomorrow she's leaving for a couple of days. Her partner, James Hester, is going to be there instead. He'll be there to give Robin some support while she's away. Howard wondered if they don't trust her or something. Dr. Roni said that it was just for support.
Gary told Howard that they had audio of Robin getting her colonic. It was actually Richard taking a crap edited to sound like it was Robin. Dr. Roni said that this initial diet will be 21 days long and then Robin will stay on the maintenance program to keep it going. Howard wished her luck with it all and said it sounds good to him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Robin if she's doing this because she's going to start dating. Robin said that she would like to start dating a younger man and this could help. The caller told them that they should do a double dating thing with Artie and Robin so they could get Artie to lose some weight.
Another caller said that this is enough of the colonic bullshit. He asked about Artie and if it's true that he's not leaving the show after he said he wasn't going to last week. Artie said that's the official word as of right now. Howard said that he's glad to hear that. Artie said that it's actually a very grey area there. He said he might be dead in 2 months and then he won't have to leave. Howard let that caller go and also thanked Dr. Roni for coming in. He gave her a plug for her book ''21 Pounds in 21 Days: The Martha's Vineyard Diet Detox'' and went to break after that.
In the clip Howard had Richard Belzer in studio. Howard read a letter he got from Cory Carson about how he's not thrilled with the way he hears Howard and Richard Belzer talking about his dad. Gary came in and told Howard he had Cory on the phone but he's kind of hesitant to come on the air. Howard got him on the phone a short time later. Howard told Cory that he got advice from his own father not to go into radio. He said dads don't always give the best advice. Howard said he would love to be Johnny Carson's son. Howard said he gives his son a stipend. Cory said that's right.
Howard said his feeling was that you have to be kind of magnanimous. He said that comedians never got to just go out and sit on the couch with Johnny. Cory said there was a lot more than just his reaction to go by.
Howard said Richard Belzer wanted to say he never had any hard feelings toward his dad. Richard asked if he was the Richard B. in the letter. Cory said he is. He said he never actually heard Richard say anything about his dad. Richard said he has never slammed his dad. Howard said he wanted to go on record saying that. Richard asked why he included him in that group. Cory said he just had that feeling in had those feelings. Richard said that's unfair.
Howard said that Cory gets a stipend every year from his dad. He found out that he has a house that his dad bought for him too. Cory said he has never asked him for a thing. He said he's grateful for whatever he gives him. He said he's a great guy in that respect. Howard asked if he hates big, fat Ed. Cory laughed. He said Ed is fine.
Howard asked if he likes his step-mom. Cory said he does like Alex. Howard asked if he's married. Cory said he's not. Howard said he can date all he wants then. Cory said that he doesn't tell women who his dad is when he dates them. He said it can work both ways for him if he does.
Howard asked Cory to get him a shot on the Tonight Show. Howard said he heard that JP Morgan had an affair with his dad. Cory said he heard that too. Howard said that JP was on the show saying that he wasn't a very giving man.
Richard asked what his dad is going to do in May when he retires. Cory said he's not sure. Howard said he thinks he'll put a bunch of specials together. Cory said they don't have the first 10 years of the show recorded.
Howard asked if he's going to be cut off from the stipend when his dad retires. Cory said that's a possibility. He said there is a chance that it will happen.
Howard asked if his dad knows about him. Cory said he did talk to him about Howard and they also talked about Joan Rivers. Howard said Johnny should have called her when Edgar died.
Howard also brought up Joan and how she was negotiating with FOX. Cory said she was bad mouthing his dad to the FOX network and that got back to him. He said that's the kind of stuff Howard doesn't know.
Howard asked if he has ever played tennis on the court that's raised up. Cory said it's actually in the ground. He said it's kind of like a swimming pool.
Howard said he should do a dial-a-date on the show. Cory said that might be fun. Howard told him to do it on Friday.
Howard asked if he wants to play guitar for them. Cory said he'd do that. Howard asked why he hasn't been on his dad's show. Cory said he actually was on once. Cory started playing a little bit. Belzer started making up lyrics about him being Johnny's son and making a lot of money.
Howard asked Cory to mention his name when he goes to his dad's house. He said his dad may want to sponsor his first movie. Cory said he may want to do that himself. Howard said he probably needs more money than he has now. Howard said 40 grand a year is probably enough for catering on the movie.
Howard let Cory go a short time later. Belzer joked that it wasn't him and Jackie was wondering if it was really him. Howard got Cory back on the line and Gary came in with some questions about where he went to school. Cory answered and had the correct answers. Gary asked about dating a woman whose father was the head of a big food company. Cory didn't know who he was talking about. Gary asked a couple of other questions and they still weren't clear if it was really him. Howard had Fred ask a question. Fred didn't know what to ask. He said he was pretty sure it was really Cory. He said he did play guitar and he can play so that's one of the things he was going on. Howard said he thinks it's really him and they can do the dial-a-date thing with him.
Howard said that they'll do the dial-a-date thing on Friday. He said that he thinks it was really Cory. Richard asked how they got his number. Howard asked if he's the FBI. They went to break a short time later.
Lawrence Taylor And Bam-Bam Bigelow Visit. 03/28/1995. 8:05am
Howard came back from break and brought in Lawrence Taylor and Bam-Bam Bigelow. He said the two of them are going to be wrestling together at some event. Howard saw Bam-Bam and said he didn't think L.T. was going to be able to beat him. Earlier in the show he thought he could but now that he's seen the guy, his story has changed.
Bam-Bam started in with L.T. Shortly after they came in. He said that L.T. Has stepped into his world and he's pretty sure he can take him down. L.T. is a big wrestling fan so he was out at this event and kind of laughed when Bam-Bam got his ass kicked. Bam-Bam saw him laughing and went over to him, shoved him and knocked him over. L.T. Said that Bam-Bam is chicken shit and ran off after he pushed him down.
Bam-Bam said they were face to face and that's not true. L.T. Said that Bam-Bam bitch slapped him when he wasn't expecting it so that wasn't cool. The two of them started to go back and forth with little comments but they really weren't getting all that worked up.
Howard asked the guys what they're up to other than this wrestling match. Bam-Bam said that he's prepared for the fight but he doesn't think that L.T. is. L.T. Said that Bam-Bam has probably been working out by lifting 12 Budweisers a day or something.
Howard asked L.T. if he's still friends with OJ Simpson. L.T. Said he is still friends but he hasn't gone to visit him in jail yet. He doesn't think that OJ did it though. Howard said he believes that OJ is guilty but L.T. put more thought into it and said that OJ wouldn't do something like that where his kids could find them. Howard said he thinks that OJ is guilty and the only reason L.T. is saying he's innocent is because he's black and he's trying to stay in with the crowd.
Howard talked to Bam-Bam about how many times a day he takes a crap because he's such a big guy. Bam-Bam said that he blasts off about twice a day. He got a few laughs from that comment. Howard said he had never heard of Bam-Bam before this so this match that he's doing could get him some notice. Bam-Bam said that he thinks that L.T. Has a team of guys who might jump in to help him if he's losing. He's got his own team ready to take them on.
Gary came in and said that he heard that Bam-Bam's wife is really hot. Bam-Bam said that she is hot. Howard got back to L.T. a short time later and said his life sounds really interesting. He asked him what his everyday life is like and what he does in his spare time. L.T. Said he plays golf quite a bit and will play up to 54 holes of golf a day. Howard said that sounds like the life but he'd have to get into golf first to actually enjoy it.
Howard talked to L.T. about his relationship with OJ for a short time and found out that he has been out to his house in Rockingham a few times. Howard was all over the place with his questions so he was back on the subject of his golfing a short time later. He was also asking the two guys about their wrestling match.
Bam-Bam said that when he knocks L.T. out he's going to sit on his face and fart. L.T. didn't seem to care about any of the comments he was making about that stuff.
Howard asked L.T. about his family and how great it is that his kids are down in South Carolina while he's busy out playing golf. L.T. Talked about how he and his wife are still good friends but they just couldn't live together as man and wife. After he got divorced he started dating so Howard wanted to know if he had any celebrities. He was asking him about people like Tawny Kitaen, Robin Givens and others. L.T. didn't have any stories to share about any of them.
Howard asked L.T. about hanging out with Eddie Murphy and his wife. Howard said that Eddie's wife is really hot but she's hardly black like she claims to be. Howard said she's about as black as he is. Howard noticed that Bam-Bam had some messed up teeth so he asked him why he doesn't fix them. Bam-Bam said that Andre the Giant had stepped on his face one time and screwed them up. He just never got them fixed.
Howard got back on the OJ Simpson thing and told the guys why he thinks that he did it. He talked about that with the guys for a short time and then gave them some plugs for their upcoming fight. He also talked to L.T. about his football career. Robin asked him if he misses playing. L.T. Said he doesn't miss it all that much. He still loves the game though.
L.T. Said that he was going to be golfing the day after he has this match with Bam-Bam. He doesn't think that he'll have any problem going out and getting back to that stuff after the fight. Howard said it seemed like Bam-Bam didn't like all of this talk. He also said he thinks that they had all of this is pre-planned but Bam-Bam is going to be so pissed about this conversation that he's going to beat the crap out of L.T. and screw up the plans.
Howard told the two of them to be careful in this fight they're having. He wrapped up and took a break a short time later.
Director M. Night Shyamalan Calls In. 1/7/00. 7:20am
Director of the movie ''Sixth Sense'' called in this morning to talk to Howard. Howard spoke to Night back in August about ''Sixth Sense'' and today he said he was surprised to learn that Night also wrote the movie ''Stuart Little''. Howard saw that movie last month and said he really enjoyed that. Night said he was aware of Howard's like for that movie and said he heard him talking about it. Night also said that Howard liked something else he had his hand in, a movie called ''She's All That''. Night said he did a little ghost writing for that one but didn't get any credit for it. Howard said he must be his biggest fan. Howard also spoke to Night about working with Bruce Willis. He asked Night if Bruce Willis was forced to do ''Sixth Sense'' by the movie studio. Night said that rumor was false and Willis wanted to do something different. Night is now working with Bruce again on a new movie. Howard asked Night why he didn't put him in the movie. Night said that Howard's personality is too strong for the movie and he wouldn't want the audience yelling out ''HOWARD!" during the movie. Howard couldn't believe what he was hearing. Night said he thought Howard was great in ''Private Parts'' but he wouldn't work in the new movie. Howard told Night to go write something for him to star in. Night said he's working on it.
In the clip Robin was reading her news and had a story about a 6 year old who was raped. Fred played clips of Jackie laughing during that story. Howard said the picture looked just like Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert was sitting in.
Howard said that guy is sick. Robin read more details about the guy and how he would go after younger girls. Howard wondered how you get that sick. He said you almost understand adult males who rape. He said he doesn't get this guy. Gilbert said he gets it. Howard wondered why you get angry at 6 year olds.
Robin read a story about a doctor who was accused of getting a patient addicted to codeine. Howard said he gets that. He said that's normal.
Gary said he has a clinical psychologist on the phone who can explain the 6 year old thing. Howard picked up on that guy and said this guy's wife is 4 years old. The psychologist said that his name was Dr. Ang. He said he can tell him that Orientals are a timid race. He said the reason this guy did what he did is because he was rejected by older women. He said this is what he does to get to a younger age. Howard thanked him for the call. Dr. Ang was about to say hi to all of his friends but Howard hung up on him.
After an edited out break Howard came back and put a couple of callers on the line together. One of the women said she was annoyed with the way he was talking on the radio. He said he should be ashamed of himself. The other woman said that she can see why it would be upsetting to some people. The first woman wondered why they would put them on the air together. Howard then started making farting sounds. Gilbert was giggling. Howard said he had to pass some wind. He made more farting sounds and one of the women said ''Oh my goodness.''
Howard said hello to the women and one woman said her name was Isabelle. Howard said he doesn't need to know her name. Howard asked her to old on because he had to pass some more wind. He made more farting sounds and she said ''Oh my goodness'' again. Howard laughed.
Howard asked what their complaints were. Isabelle said she wanted some advice from him. Howard said the other woman had a complaint. Howard asked her to excuse Robin's farting. Howard said she has a problem. The second caller said she was listening to the show with her sons and she thinks he's disgraceful to men. Howard asked what he did wrong. She said she heard him talking about raping. She asked if he lets his kids listen to this show. Howard said of course not. He said he won't let them hear this stuff. He said he has his head screwed on straight.
Howard said that he was saying the guy should be gassed and killed. He said she didn't hear that part. The woman said that she didn't hear that part but he was going on and on about it. Howard said she is not allowed to listen to this show. He said she's not mentally capable of it. Howard asked how long he can go on to talk about this. One of the women's sons got on the line and told her to leave Howard alone because he's the best. The woman asked if she heard that. Howard said he did and she was the one who raised those idiots.
Howard said he's going to give this woman a name. He called her Mrs. Idiot. Howard said she's the first lady of idiots. She said goodbye a short time later. Howard said they were both gone after that.
Movies, Phone Calls And Other Stuff. 5/19/03. 9:20am
Howard also had tape of a psychic on Larry King Live talking about how they're not allowed to do things to benefit themselves. Howard goofed on the psychic (Sylvia Brown) and Larry for a couple of minutes. The female psychic had a very husky voice that the guys picked up on and made fun of. Howard said he could listen to the full hour of Larry interviewing that psychic because it was so fascinating. He and the guys were doing their impressions of the psychic who had a very husky voice.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:35am.
The Woman Who ''Lights Up A Room''. 9/18/97. 8:15am
Howard recently read a letter from a woman who claims that people tell her that she ''lights up a room'' when she walks in. Today she came down to the studio to prove it to Howard but Howard made a game out of it. First of all he brought in 3 judges: Kevin Smith, Director of the movie ''Clerks'' and ''Chasing Amy'', Jason Mewes an actor who was in ''Clerks'' and A.J. Benza, a columnist from the New York Times. Howard really liked the ''Superman'' script that Kevin wrote and sent to Howard. That movie will be directed by Tim Burton but he's not sticking with the original script. Someone sent me the address for a web site that has the script on it. I don't know who this guy though...Howard then had 3 women come into the studio. One of the 3 women is the actual woman, Victoria, who said that she lights up a room. The judges had to try and figure out which one was the real Victoria. All 3 women read from the letter that Victoria wrote. They all did terrible reads so it wasn't easy to tell which one it was. After interviewing all of the women and hearing them talk a bit the judges and Howard made their picks. The Number 2 woman was the one woman who actually lit up the room while she was there but just about everyone thought that she wasn't the one that wrote the actual letter. It turned out that number 3 was the woman who wrote the letter. Howard told her that she didn't light up the room at all. She says that people tell her that she should be an actress or something. None of the judges think that she'd be able to act either. They rated her on her ability to become a star on a scale of 1 to 10.. She rated down below 5 with all of them. During this nightmare Howard got a phone call from Ed McMahon...
The Real Ed McMahon Calls In! 9/18/97. 8:40am
That's right! The real Ed McMahon called in to plug a TV show that he's on now. Ed is one of those people that you'd never expect to call the show because Howard has made fun of him in the past. Ed is now appearing on ''The Tom Show'' on the WB network. This is Tom Arnold's show so Tom must have told Ed that Howard isn't so bad. Howard had him do his famous ''Hi Ohhhh'' over the phone a couple of times before talking with him. They talked about Ed and Johnny Carson's relationship and about Ed's marriages among other things. Ed said that he finds Howard to be a very talented broadcaster even though he doesn't agree with everything he says. He even saw ''Private Parts'' the movie and enjoyed it. Howard tried to get Ed to bad mouth a bunch of people but Ed just wouldn't do it. Howard asked him about Jerry Lewis and Jay Leno but Ed wouldn't say a bad word about them. The only person he almost said bad stuff about was some reporter from Star Magazine who wrote an article about him. He sued her and won. It sounded like Ed had a good time during the call so maybe he'll come into the studio sometime. Howard promoted this phone call yesterday on the show and to tell the truth I didn't believe that Ed would actually call in. It surprised the hell out of me.
The Vagina Fart Contest. 5/2/97. 7:55am
Howard found out that these vaginal farts have a name... Queef. Don't get pissed if I didn't spell it correctly because my spell checker doesn't have that word in it. So anyway four of these women who called in during the week came in today to play along to some songs and to have a Queef-off contest. Howard even had an audience of guys who paid some money to see this phenomenon. The 20 or so guys in the studio paid a total of about $1800 to come in. The 4 women get to split that money. The 4 women, Michelle, Susan, Dawn and Debbie, all called in at some point this week and demonstrated their talent. Howard talked with them for a short while and then got down to business. One of the women, while warming up, demonstrated how she could ''talk'' with her queefs. She farted out ''Baba Booey'' and ''Howard Stern''. One woman had to stand on her head to do her queefs. Once the women were warmed up Howard sang ''The Wind Beneath My Womb'' for the girls. Then after a little break it was time for a song called ''It's A Gas''. It's a song that was put out by Mad Magazine many years ago. It's basically just a guy who says ''It's a gas'' over some music then a silent break comes and you hear burping. Well Howard took the burping out so the girls could do their queefs instead. That's exactly what they did. After that they had a little contest to see who could do the best queef. Each woman gave it her best shot. After that the guys in the audience were asked to applaud for their favorite. Each woman took her turn, first it was Dawn then Debbie and then Susan, who just kept going for about a minute, then it was Michelle. The guys in the audience ended up choosing Dawn as the winner. They ended the whole thing by playing some classical music with the girls queefing along. WOW! What a morning!
In the clip Howard called Frank Zappa who was out on the West coast. Howard asked what he was doing up at that hour. Frank said he works late. He was working on something called a Synclavier which plays the music the way you tell it to.
Howard asked Frank what happened with him and FOX. Frank told Howard he wanted to bring some guys on with him and he was told he couldn't do it. Then they pulled the plug on the show. Howard said he's waiting to hear what they're going to do with his show too.
Frank told Howard a story about Pat Robertson and some of the wacky stuff he's heard him doing. He said Pat was called out to rid a guy of a rock and roll demon once. He told Howard that's who he should have on the show this morning.
Howard asked who FOX wanted him to have on his show. Frank said they wanted some basketball player and a star of another FOX show. Howard said that's some self serving stuff. Howard said they were supposed to call him and let him know if they liked his show. Frank said it only matters what the viewers think of the show. He said he thinks they make their decision by pulling paper out of a hat.
Howard said he doesn't understand why they don't take a chance on someone like Frank instead of running reruns. Howard asked if he would go back if they asked him to. Frank said not if it's the same people.
Howard said he thinks that his show is a little different and it may be too hip for them. Howard said they shot the pilots and now they're waiting to hear how it went. He said he really doesn't care if they use them or not though. Frank asked if he owns the master tapes. Howard said he thinks they do. Frank said he could put them out if he owned them.
Frank told Howard he has some news about the PMRC which is the group that wants to put ratings on albums. He said they are saying that rock albums don't promote safe sex so that's one reason they should put ratings on them. Howard said there are people in the radio business who won't play some records because of that. Howard thanked Frank for the call and let him go a short time later.
Howard said Frank is better on radio than he is on TV. He said that he talks more when he's on the radio show. Howard said he digs the guy though. He said he envies his kids growing up with the guy. He said the kids seem very well adjusted too.
Howard said he thought Frank would be the worst parent in the world but he turns out the be the best. Howard said he thinks Frank digs him because the FCC was on his ass.
New TV Show Idea From Howard. 9/17/99. 6:25am
Before female body builder/wrestler Nicole Bass came in this morning Howard was talking about an article he'd read about her. She's suing the WWF for sexual harassment and that got Howard thinking..Who would want to harass Nicole? He started out talking about a funny bit they could do where someone would drill a hole in a bathroom wall to peep into the women's room. When they finally see in there they'd see Nicole and freak out. Their hair would stand on end and they'd leave the bathroom so fast they'd bust right through the door. That led to Howard thinking of putting Nicole in a ''Munsters'' sitcom where she would be like Herman Munster. He went on and on thinking of different things that could happen and who could star in the show. Hank the dwarf could play little Eddie and Jackie could play Marilyn, the good looking family member. Beetlejuice the dwarf could play the butler and Gary the retard could play the dragon under the stairs. Fred was doing his Herman Munster impression and Howard told him he could do the voice-overs for Nicole although she has a pretty deep voice herself. Howard was cracking himself up with the whole idea. The brainstorming went on for quite a while and Howard sounded like he really wants to put this together.
The Gossip Game With Nicole Bass. 9/17/99. 7:05am
Nicole Bass came in to talk about her sexual harassment lawsuit this morning but first Howard had her play the Mike Walker gossip game. Each week Mike Walker calls in with four gossip stories. Three of the stories are from his National Enquirer gossip column. One of the stories is false. Everyone tries to pick out the false story. Here are this week's stories:
After the game Howard spent some time talking to Nicole about her $120 Million lawsuit against the WWF(World Wrestling Federation). Nicole explained how an employee of the WWF grabbed her breasts while she was on an airline flight. Howard was amazed that anyone would dare touch a 6'2'' tall, 225 pound woman like that. Nicole said she slugged the guy but didn't knock him out or anything like that. She said the guy threatened her so she kept her mouth shut about it while she was still working for the WWF. She said she had to watch her back the whole time she was wrestling because she was afraid this guy would do something to her. She also said that she had a problem with being hit with a real guitar when it was supposed to be a gimmick guitar. There's a lot more in her lawsuit but she wasn't bringing it all up today. Howard also discussed the sitcom he was thinking about earlier in the morning. Nicole seemed like she'd be into it.
In the clip Howard said Robin was in the news and took a call from a woman who spotted her out at a movie with a man. Robin said that was Troy. Troy was a local weather man there in New York. Howard asked Robin if she's kissing the guy. Robin said they hug. Howard said he doesn't get it. He asked if the guy goes out with other girls. Robin said she doesn't know.
The caller asked how the movie was. Robin said it was fine. It was ''Hope Floats.'' Howard asked if there is a sexual thing going on with them. Robin said there is not. Howard asked if she wants him at all. Robin said he's cute but no. The caller said ''cute'' is an understatement.
Howard said that Robin puts on a special voice when she's talking about her man. Robin said they're just friends. Howard asked if she talks to Mr. X about this stuff. Robin said of course they do and this is just a friend thing. Howard asked if this is ever discussed. Robin said no. Howard asked if he has ever met Troy. Robin said Mr. X has not.
Howard asked Robin where they went after the movie. Robin said they went to dinner. She said they had a special dinner for the movie. Howard said you'd think that Troy would be more famous. Robin said she needs a better showcase. Howard asked if he's straight. Robin said he is. Howard said he must be up for some fun. Howard said maybe someday that will happen.
Howard asked Robin what else she had in the news. Robin went through some stories and did her impression of Carol Channing during a story about her.
In the clip Howard had the guys from the Beastie Boys come in to visit. They came in and said that he looks sexy as hell. Howard told Gary to set up 3 microphones for them. Gary said they don't have 3. The guys said hi to Fred while Gary was moving the microphones around.
Howard said he heard they do a great live show. He said he heard they get chicks to light their bras on fire. They said that's a lie.
Howard asked which one of them is going out with Molly Ringwald. They said no comment. Howard said they should be proud of that. Howard told them to get with it. They said they decided that would be a good answer for his questions.
One of the guys asked why Robin was in another room. Howard said that they need to keep her in there away from the guests. Howard said they keep her in line that way.
Howard asked why they didn't go to the music awards the other night. The guys said they were doing another gig. They have a 20 foot inflatable penis in their show and people are trying to get them to stop using it. The guys said they did disco dancing at their show and they're trying to bring it back to the United States.
Howard said they used to play disco there on their station. He said they ruined it with that. He said people still think they're WKTU there.
Howard said that Fred wrote a song parody to one of their songs. He told the guys what it was about and they told Howard that the thing about this show is that it's mean.
Howard said he feels like he's in a John Hughes movie right now. One of the guys said he is. Howard said he needs to go to a high school and hear some lingo so he can write a movie about it. He said that must be what John Hughes does.
Howard asked how the guys got into rap. He said they must be making millions. He said they'll be able to retire in a couple of years. Howard said they have a number 1 album. They said that's pretty awesome. One of the guys said they don't really care.
The guys asked Howard about what it's like being older and doing radio. Howard said it's pretty bad when you're 33 and still doing radio.
Howard asked what their next album is. They said they're going to combine disco dancing with the beatnik era. He said they'll look beatnik and sound kind of Bee Gees.
Howard said their parents must be proud of them. One of the guys said his mom played drums on the last album. One of the guys said that his mom can walk on hot coals.
Howard asked if they're saving their money. They said they're doing a lot of drugs so they can be dead in a few months. They said that way they can be immortalized like Jimi Hendrix. Howard said the video for ''Fight for the Right'' is great.
The guys talked about how bored they were at the Grammys. Howard asked if they all graduated high school. They said they did. One of the guys went to college.
Howard said this was all fascinating. Howard said that he had to do some commercials and then have them do some rapping.
Robin asked what happened with them and Joan. One of the guys said he hated her until they went on her show. He said they were good after that. Howard said that he thinks he would do it with Joan. They went to break a short time later.
After an edited out break Howard came back and had the guys sit down again. Howard told the guys that he's just going to keep barreling through this. He said that they have the number one album but that doesn't mean they have to get out of hand.
Howard asked Fred where the soundtrack is for the song. Fred told him where it was but the guys didn't want to do the song parody. Howard said he's going to sing it first. Howard had Fred play the music bed and he sang the song about Dwight Gooden. Howard asked the guys to do the song but they didn't want to do that. They like the Mets and they didn't want to offend their friend. They went to break a short time later.
After another edited out break Howard came back and the guys were playing with his megaphone. Howard said they're too hyper. They said that's because they haven't been to sleep in 3 days.
Robin said they must have been on the special bus when they were in school. They were goofing around with the megaphone. Howard asked what kind of cars they're driving. One of the guys said he doesn't drive. Another one said they rented a Ferarri out in California. They asked what Howard drives. Howard said he has a 79 Pontiac. He said it's called a Phoenix.
Howard asked them to put down the sound gizmo. They were still playing with the sound effects and the megaphone. One of the guys was doing a beat box thing and rapping about Howard.
Howard had one of his guys take the megaphone away from the boys. One of the guys told a story about one of their roadies having sexual relations with a woman at the show and he kind of had sexual contact through her, with another guy who had done something with her.
The guys asked Howard if that's his real name or did he do that for radio. Howard said he wanted the coolest name ever so chose that for radio.
Howard said he has to take a break and then get to this rap thing. He said he wants them to do this song parody. They didn't want to do it.
After another edited out break Howard came back and gave the guys a plug for their album ''License to Ill'' which was number one on the charts. They were goofing on Bon Jovi so Howard told them that they're friends of theirs. Howard said they are really down to earth people. Howard told them not to bash Jon Bon Jovi. He said he has paid his dues and he deserves what he gets. Howard said the odds of getting a hit album are very slim. He said that they have to give the guy a break.
Howard asked the guys to do the song again. They really didn't want to do it. They said Mike might do it but the other guys wont. Howard said that's fine. They told Howard to just sing the song and they'll come in at some point.
Howard started the song again and went through it again. This time the guys were clapping and making noise over the song with Howard's megaphone. They were wondering who wrote this song.
After another edited out break Howard came back and said the guys were giving him a headache. He said they were playing with that megaphone. Howard said he gives up. He said he might have to dump out of the whole show today.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to hear them do the Dwight rap. The guys said it was racist and they're not going to do it. They didn't like the lyrics that Howard and the guys wrote. Howard took another call from a guy who said that they shouldn't do the song. Howard said Run DMC came in and did a song with them. He said it was something about gas. Robin said that they passed gas in there and it wasn't about gas. Howard said that's right and it was pretty bad too.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he was at the awards and he got Robin the wine spritzers. The boys asked the caller if he watched Land of the Lost. The guy said he did.
Howard took a few more calls but the guys were playing sounds over the callers and goofing on them. Howard said he can't handle these guys. He said he's exhausted from them. They went to break a short time later.
After another edited out break Howard came back and the guys were giving out personal messages to people. They kept making reference to ''sneaky pouch'' which was an inside joke. Howard told them to give it up with that. He said no one knows what it means.
Howard asked Robin to do some news. He had the Beastie Boys stick around for that. Robin went through some stories and the guys commented on some of them.
Insane Clown Posse Visits. 09/25/06. 8:15am
After the break Howard got in a plug for The Shit Show staring Andy Dick and friends that's going to be airing on Howard 101 tonight. He quickly moved on and brought in the guys from Insane Clown Posse. Howard said they did break up for a short time but they are back together now. He said that they are two very big stars in the music industry.
The guys told Howard that they did not break up, that was just speculation. Shaggy 2 Dope went out and did his own solo thing for a little while but that was it. Shaggy was also in rehab so Howard asked him about that. Shaggy said it was great going to rehab, the chicks there are very easy to get. He claims he didn't get any though because he's married.
Violent J said that there was a lull in their career where they didn't make any records but they did not break up. The guys said it wasn't true that they weren't talking to each other either. Violent J said they didn't have a problem at all. Shaggy talked about the place he went to for rehab and how nice that was. He said he was drinking really heavy and he had an intervention.
Violent J said that it became a problem when Shaggy was still drunk the next morning from drinking the night before. He said it would be an issue when they'd go into the studio to record new stuff. Shaggy has been sober a year and a half now and he's still with his wife. He said that the key to staying sober is not hanging out with the friends who don't care if you're drunk. That led to the guys talking to Artie about his heroin addiction. Shaggy never got into that stuff and Artie was impressed that he never even tried it.
Artie said he remembers the first time he tried the heroin and how it was a social thing for him. Howard ended up hitting the delay button on the guys as they were talking about Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas who Robin claims had admitted to trying a certain drug. She's no longer using it though but Howard seemed to be trying to avoid talking about it.
Howard asked the guys if they really sent Sharon Osbourne flowers when she was going through her cancer scare. They joked about doing it but they claim they never did send her flowers. They said that they did avoid goofing on her while she was sick but now that she's better, 'fuck her.'' They still want the money that she owes to them from the bet she made with them on Howard's show a few years ago. She was the one who made the challenge and she never paid up. Violet J said that they almost went platinum with their next album that she was claiming that they wouldn't sell more than 50,000 copies of. They want her to pay up and give the money to a charity if she wants to.
Howard asked the guys if they're still battling against Eminem. Violent J said they're done with that and they don't have to war with him because he's not even out on the streets of Detroit anymore. They spent a minute on that subject.
Howard asked Violent J if he's married. J said that he's not married but he does have a little son and a daughter on the way. He said he has no desire to get married because he had four dads as he was growing up. Shaggy interrupted and asked where Sulu was. George was sitting right near him so he told him what a fan of his he was. George said he doesn't know of Insane Clown Posse but they sure knew of him. Shaggy said he likes the old school Star Trek shows but Violent J said he wasn't a huge fan.
Howard took a call from Ozzy Osbourne (Billy Mira) who said he agrees with them that his wife is a cunt. He asked the guys if they wanted to come into bed with them sometime. The guys said that they couldn't understand what he was saying to them. They thought it was really him and thought that he might be out of his mind. Howard told them that it wasn't really Ozzy after hanging up on him.
Violent J got back to the Eminem thing and said that this late rapper Proof extended his friendship to them since they don't get much respect in the rap world. That helped smooth things over with Eminem and other people in the rap world.
Howard asked the guys about the wrestling they're doing these days. Violent J said that they're going down to Florida to do some TNA Wrestling. They'll be in it with the Dudley Boys. Shaggy said he's shattered his neck a few times and they'll have to see how things go.
Howard asked the guys if they'll ever perform without the make-up on. They didn't really answer that and got back to the wrestling thing. Violent J said that they loved wrestling when they were kids and that's why they want to be part of that world. Howard heard that they're against Scientology as well but it turns out that they're not against it at all.
Howard gave the guys a plug for their upcoming tour they're calling the Hallowicked Clown Tour. They're going to be touring with the band Wolfpac and Boondocks. Gary came in and told Howard that Sal and Richard are up to their usual stuff. They wanted to come in and join the band. They said they want to be part of the Juggalos. Then they revealed that they were the Insane Cock Posse and showed them their painted cocks. Violent J said he was thinking of going over there and sticking his foot up their asses. He was very uncomfortable with them and if they didn't leave, he might do something to them.
Violent J asked what the fuck was going on and gave Richard a fuck you and told him they were creeping him out. Shaggy said if they didn't leave in 5 seconds he was going to jump up and beat their asses. The guys left a short time later before Shaggy got up. Shaggy and Violent J seemed to be very upset about them painting their cocks to look like their faces. Shaggy also said that it looked like they had baby dicks too. They said they don't have problems with gay guys but when two flamers like Sal and Richard come in, they get pissed.
Gary pointed out that George Takei is a gay activist and the guys said they know that, they don't have a problem with him because he's not out shaking his dick in their faces. Artie said he agrees with them because he would rather sit next to George than those two guys because they have their dicks hanging out.
Howard said that they really did chase Richard and Sal away just by threatening to beat the crap out of them. Shaggy said he wasn't threatening, he was really going to beat the crap out of them if they had stayed in the studio.
Howard got back to the tour that these guys are going on. Violent J also got in a plug for a show they're doing at InsaneClownPosse.com. He said they do a report about what they're up to called the ''Weekly Freakly Weekly'' and they've also got their own radio show at WFuckOffRadio. They play music and talk on that radio show.
Shaggy asked Howard to make sure that those two guys aren't out in the hall when he leaves because he knows security will tackle him when he 'chins' them. Artie said he'd like to disagree with him about that but he really can't. Shaggy told him that he'll hold them and let Artie take a few shots at them if he wants.
Howard took some phone calls for the guys. One guy asked if they're okay with the Juggalos going out and mugging people. They said that they're all for it. The guy also asked if they were happy they got their asses kicked out in Houston after they failed to pay them. They didn't remember anything about that though. They didn't remember getting their asses kicked. They said they've had their asses kicked many times though.
Shaggy said he shit his pants after getting beat up one time. He said he broke into a restaurant when he was about 17 years old and ended up upon the guy who owed the place. That guy came running up on him and choked him. He was choked so hard he shit his pants. He was actually knocked out unconscious so that's why he shit his pants. He said he's lucky he didn't get killed.
Shaggy told another story about beating up some girls when he was about 16 years old. He said that they used to knock these girls out. They would start fights with them and they didn't hesitate to punch them in the face. Shaggy said he was walking to a store one night and this chick grabbed his balls really hard so he put her down. There was a party going on and a couple of 45 year old guys came out and started beating the crap out of him so he shit his pants.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he likes these guys and wondered what it was like working with Ol' Dirty Bastard. The guys said that he was their favorite rapper because he had such fresh stuff. They got to perform just a couple of months before he passed away. They were very bummed out when they learned of his death.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that SIRIUS is the best place for him to be. Howard said that's right and he's never going back to doing the other shit. The caller said he can't wait to see these guys in their Hallowicked show. They said this is the first time they're taking this show out on tour, usually it's just a Detroit thing.
Angry Black called in and said that he didn't know that the circus was in town. He said that if they had tried to take Sal and Richard down, the only ones who would have gone down would be those two. They've gotten into battles with Angry Black in the past and they seem to think that he failed to show up for a fight the last time they were on.
Howard took a call from a woman who thought that the guys were losers for punching out girls. She was cursing at them so they asked her if she sucks her father's dick with that mouth. Howard said he was handed a note that said the guys had to catch a plane so they had to get going. He had to cut the woman off and wrap up the interview with them. Violent J said that they have an album coming out early next year and they hope to be able to come back and promote that. Shaggy said they'd prefer it if they have naked chicks instead of Sal and Richard next time they're on.
Howard said they were supposed to have the Anal Ring Toss guy on today but he didn't show up. Butch Patrick from The Munsters showed up though so they'll be talking to him. Howard said they haven't played Anal Ring Toss for a long time, since when they were back at K-Rock, and they were looking forward to it. Howard wrapped up with the guys and went to break a short time later.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who thought he was calling a Mr. Gadden. Howard kept answering as Mr. Gadden and kept telling the guy he'd go get Mr. Gadden. The caller kept asking for Mr. Gadden and Howard kept jerking the guy around. At one point he put the guy on the line with Wendy the Retard who asked if she could take a message for him. The guy eventually hung up. Howard said he had no idea what that was.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:35am.
Billy Joel Visits. 11/16/10. 7:55am
After the break we heard the same prank call Fred played after the last break. Fred also played some Billy Joel as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he recorded that song for Billy. He said that he told Billy his piano is perfectly tuned. He tested it out this morning by playing ''Twilight Zone.''
Howard said that he was up half the night thinking about what he waned to talk to him about. He said he was reading in the paper that someone wrote a book about Billy and he says that ''Uptown Girl'' isn't about Christie Brinkley. Billy said that story has been around since that song came out. He said he was actually dating Elle McPherson around that time. He said that he couldn't believe that he was in this situation where he was dating this woman. He said that Christie, Elle and Whitney Houston were all there for him. Howard said that's not the kind of girls that he got to meet when he was growing up out on Long Island. Billy said that's true.
Howard asked Billy if he ever went out and performed at school since he had this talent. Billy said he was more of a wallflower until he joined a band. He said that's when people knew what he was doing. Howard asked Billy about why he left the band and how he knew to do that. Billy said he still feels like he's in a band. He said when he plays live it's like a band effort.
Howard said he thinks that Billy is a solo act now and that's why he stopped writing new music. Howard said he thinks that he didn't want to keep doing the impossible by coming up with new albums. He said that would drive him crazy. Billy said that's not what happened.
Billy got back to the Uptown Girl thing. He said he wasn't even dating Christie at the time. He said that he started writing the lyric and it was written like a classical piece. He played some of that on the piano in a classical way. Howard said Billy hears the music first but with only one other song he came up with the lyrics first. That song was ''We Didn't Start The Fire.'' Howard said he heard that he hates the song. Billy said he doesn't hate it. He said that he still performs it in concert. He said sometimes he has to go to the audience and see them mouthing the words.
They got back to the ''Uptown Girl'' song thing and Billy talked about how he and Elle dated for a while back then. She was only 19 at the time. Howard said at that age he would probably finish as soon as he saw her nude in bed. Howard said the pressure must be on. Billy said he doesn't kiss and tell so he's not going there. Howard said it must have been tough to leave her too. Billy said he didn't leave her. He said she went off to Europe. Billy said that he met Christie around that time and then he finished that ''Uptown Girl'' song and it was about her. Howard said that story in the book is wrong then. Billy said he thinks that Christie knows the story behind the song. He said he did start writing it when he was with Elle but he finished it for Christie.
Howard asked Billy to play a little bit of ''Uptown Girl'' but Billy said he wasn't sure he could hit the key. He had to drop it a little bit. He said it was too early in the morning for that song. He sang some of another song and that led to Howard talking about ''Just The Way You Are.''' Howard said he has a theory about why he wrote that song. Howard asked Billy if he would go nuts if he couldn't sing. Billy said he wanted to be a song writer and not sing. He said he's really not that good of a singer. He said they make him sound good in a studio.
Howard asked Billy if he's close to other rock and roll guys. Billy said they're friends but they don't sit down and talk about music in a deep way. Howard asked Billy if he has ever gotten together with other guys and jammed with them. Billy said that he got together with Paul McCartney once and they were both dabbling in classical music. He said Paul was going to come over to his house and he kind of knew him from seeing him over the years. He said Paul is the reason he got into music. Billy said that Paul was going to come over and he was excited about that. He said he wondered if he'd want something cold to drink. He had some cold cuts in the fridge and Paul doesn't eat meat. He said he had turkey breast and things like that in there. He said it was like Jeffrey Dahmer's fridge. Billy said he was going to hide the meat somewhere so he was hiding it in drawers in the house. He said he had to put it somewhere so he just threw it all over the place.
Billy said they had a nice day talking about music and things like that. Billy said that they didn't really have any awkward silences or anything. Howard asked if they talked about girls they banged and stuff. He said they did do that. He said Paul is a good family man and just a nice guy. Howard said he thinks that he had a great relationship with Linda. Billy said he really is a great guy and a good dad.
Howard asked if he whipped out the instruments. Billy said that Paul played some tapes and he played some for him. He said they'd talk about how to change things. He said Paul left a few hours later and he never did ask for a drink or go into the fridge. Billy said they got closer from that.
Billy said that he called people to tell them what happened. Then he was walking around his house wondering what the smell was. He said he had the meats in the drawers and pantry so he had to go on a meat hunt to find it all.
Howard said Billy tours with Elton John and he gets the sense that they have nothing to do with each other, other than the business arrangement. Howard asked if he's right. Billy said that he is. He said that Elton never stops working. He said Elton will go do another gig on his day off. Billy said that Elton loves to perform. Billy likes to take a day off. Billy said he doesn't ache for the road or anything. He said he opened a motorcycle shop so he spends his time there.
Howard asked Billy why he doesn't build a piano instead of motorcycles. Billy said that's a real art. He said he can't compete with the families that have been making them for years.
Howard said he was comparing Billy to Bobby Fisher earlier in the morning. He asked Billy if he looks at the piano and gets bored with it. Billy said he doesn't get bored. He said the piano brought him some great things. He said he likes what he's hearing and he loves playing. He said he hates it when he's trying to write something and he can't get it. He said it's like a big beast that he just can't tame. Billy broke into a song as he was talking about that. Billy said it was too high to sing that song though. He said it's just too early to get up that high.
Howard said he gets goose bumps hearing that music. He asked Billy to keep going. Billy would play a little bit on the piano but he wasn't singing much. He went through his thought process on how he comes up with a song. He said that he can sometimes hate trying to figure out a song and the piano can be the thing that's keeping him from getting there.
Howard said he saw the Howard TV guys had his hands on the monitor and he would have loved to have been able to play like that when he was a kid playing piano. Howard asked at what age people noticed that he was a prodigy or a genius.
Billy said his parents had a piano in the house and it was always out of tune. He said when he was a little boy he would go over and play the rain song on it. He said that he'd play the rain on the high keys and the thunder on the low keys. He said his mother hated that so she dragged him to a piano teacher, Miss Francis, and had him take lessons. Howard asked if he wanted to be there. Billy said he did like the lessons as a young kid. Billy remembered the song in one of the song books he learned on. He actually sang the song and played it. Howard said he didn't remember that one.
Howard asked if the teacher knew that he had talent. He said he thinks that she did think he had something going on so she did spend time with him. Billy said that he would make up his own music as a kid. He said they'd give him a Mozart song to perform and he'd change it. He played some Mozart and said he would get bored with that. Then he'd just make up his own stuff and play that instead. Billy said his mother would ask what it was and he'd tell her it was the second movement. Billy played what he would create and it was just his own stuff. He played some more and said that he was around 6 years old at the time. He said his mother thought he was playing the music he was supposed to be playing. He said he would be all over the place playing different stuff that he was making up. His mom would say that he was great and he wasn't really learning anything.
Billy said that his mother would ask him to play the Mozart and he'd forget how to play it. Then the teacher would say she was wasting her money. He said he didn't play his own stuff for the teacher. He said that wasn't the deal so that's not what he was doing.
Howard said that some kids see rock stars and they want to do that. He asked Billy if his songs are variations on classical music. Billy said that music lasts and people will be listening to it hundreds of years from now. He said people will listen to the Beatles hundreds of years from now because it translates.
Billy said sometimes writing lyrics to songs is like painting a moustache on the Mona Lisa. He said that when you hear a song you really like you don't care what the lyrics are. He said that's kind of how he writes his songs. He said that he just writes that stuff the way you hear a rock song and don't care what the lyrics are.
Howard asked Billy what song he had in his head now. Billy said he had an anthem in there so he played that on the piano. Howard said he got the goose bumps from that again. He asked why he wouldn't put lyrics to that. Billy said that it could kill the song if he didn't have the exact right lyrics. Billy said it has to be fun and he has to want to do it. He said if it's not fun anymore then he can't do it.
Howard asked Billy to sing ''Just the Way You Are'' for them. He spent a minute talking to him about the song and then had him play. Billy sang some of the song for them. He said that was all he was going to play this morning after cutting it off after a minute or so.
Billy told Howard about how he used to be a rock critic. He said he once saw a band that he didn't think was that good and wrote it up. He said it was Supersession and he gave them a bad review. Billy said it looks worse on paper than it does in his note book. He said that he had to give up that job after seeing it in print. He wanted to apologize to Al Kooper for writing that article.
Howard asked who his music heroes are. Billy said that Steve Winwood is his hero. He said he has a great voice and he plays the keyboard really well. He played some of a song he likes but he knew he'd screw it up. He said it was too early to be singing too. He sang ''Dear Mr. Fantasy'' and said he loved his voice and keyboard playing. He sang a little bit of that and some of Steve's other stuff.
Howard said that Billy was inspired by the Beatles a lot. He was inspired to group 3 songs together like they did. Howard said he sat down and thought about that. Billy said he just had 3 or 4 unfished songs and he did that on one of his albums. Billy ended up playing some bits and pieces of their stuff too. He said they had unfinished songs and they would just mix them together. He said he thought it was brilliant that they did that. He said that laziness can be brilliant ingenuity.
Howard asked Billy if he would ever just sit down and play the Beatles stuff the way he just did. Billy said he's not sure if he would do that.
Howard asked Billy to play some of Miami 2017. Billy said he needed a bathroom break first. Howard said he only has about 23 requests so once he's done with that he'll be all good. Billy was trying to kill time because it was still so early in the morning. Howard said he was having a great time talking to him. Billy asked if this is better than the porn stars. Howard said ''Uh, no...''
Howard said that Billy has a new motorcycle shop. He was going to give him a plug for that but talked about how he could screw up his career if he crashed one of those things. Billy said he's just living his life the way he wants to. Billy quoted Jimi Hendrix after that. He said he never did get to meet Jimi though.
Howard said he was going to take a break but he asked Billy to please not leave. Billy said he wouldn't leave. Howard told Gary to lock all of the exits. He gave Billy a plug for his motorcycle shop 20th Century Cycle Shop and said you can find out more at BillyJoel.com. They went to break after that.
Billy Joel Part 2. 11/16/10. 8:50am
After the break Howard came right back with Billy and asked him what he's doing for the holidays. Billy said he's going to cook. Howard said he lives a regular life. Billy said he does. He said he likes to shop for his own food and things like that. He said he's good as long as he doesn't stop. He said if he stops and someone sees him then he gets stuck.
Howard asked Billy if he wrote a new song to that music he played earlier, would he write about current events like he used to. Billy said that Howard doesn't know that ''Allentown'' used to have the lyrics ''Living here in Levittown...'' He sang some of that song like it was about Levittown.
Howard asked Billy if other guys are trying to solve the world's problems with their songs. Howard mentioned Bruce Springsteen as one of them. Billy said he doesn't think that's what he's trying to do. He said that Bruce is a great lyricist and a great singer too. He said they both grew up around the same time and they'd go see each other's concerts. Howard asked Billy if he would call Bruce and hang out with him. He said they have done that. He said they ride motorcycles together too. Howard said they have to stop doing that. Billy said he's going to keep riding. Howard said he can't be doing that when he has so much talent in those hands of his.
Howard asked Billy about the record companies and if they have ever asked him to do crazy things for them. Billy said he hasn't given them a new album since 1993 so they keep cutting out the greatest hits stuff. He said he hates that too. He said he'd prefer that they just leave the albums intact.
Howard had Billy play and sing some more. Billy sang some of ''And So It Goes'' for Howard. Howard asked Billy if it's hard to stay in one relationship and if that has been tough on him. Billy said it has been tough. Howard said people must think that he has it all together when they hear his songs. Billy said he understands being in it and it just hasn't worked out the way he's wanted it to. Howard said it must have been heart breaking for him and that must inspire tunes. Billy said that's true.
Howard asked Billy about his father running off to Vienna and if his song is about his father. Billy said that it might be but he's never analyzed that. Howard had him perform a little bit of that song but Billy said it's really high for this time of morning. Billy gave it a try though.
Howard asked Billy if he doesn't like telling people about what the songs are about. Billy said that sometimes he doesn't like to do that. He said songs might mean something different to different people. He said he did write that song after he went to see his father in Vienna. He said the song was more about the way things are over in Vienna than about his father leaving.
Howard asked Billy to do some Downeaster Alexa. Billy said that was an impossible one to do at this time of morning. He tried doing it but he wasn't able to hit the note. Billy dropped it a note and tried it again. Billy did a little bit of the song and Howard said he swoons and wants to blow him when he hears that song. Billy tried doing some more of the song as Gordon Lightfoot. Howard asked if he likes to hear his songs covered by other people. Billy said he really does.
Howard asked Billy about some of the concerts he's performed. Billy talked about going to Russia and performing and what that was like.
Howard asked Billy what ''Big Shot'' was about. Billy said he was out with Mick and Bianca Jagger once and he was thinking of him singing a song he was writing to Bianca. He said it wasn't about him singing it to Bianca or anything like that. He said he was thinking about the way Mick would sing the song to Bianca. Billy played a little bit of the song and sang it like Mick would sing it.
Howard asked Billy to perform some more but Billy was playing and saw his hands on the monitor. He said his hands look really fat. He stopped playing for a few seconds and then got back to ''Miami 2017'' since Howard had asked him to play that. Billy's voice was sounding pretty good by then. Billy said he needed drums in one part so he just stopped playing.
Gary came in and asked what song he wrote the quickest. Billy said that ''Just the Way You Are'' was probably the quickest. He said that he had thought about a song and he was in the middle of a meeting and had to run off to write it. Billy said that ''New York State of Mind'' was also written in about 15 minutes. He said it was the day he moved back from California to New York when he wrote that. He said he was on his way to Highland Falls on a bus and he started scribbling in a note book. He said he had to write the song as soon as he got home. Howard asked if he's ever forgotten a song. Billy said he has. Billy said he dreams music a lot and he has to get them out as soon as he can.
Howard asked him to do a little bit of ''New York State Of Mind.'' Billy said he had to lower the key in that one too. It was still way too early for him. Billy did a minute of that song.
Howard gave Billy another plug for his motorcycle shop. Billy asked them not to bring loud pipes. He said that they're going to get kicked out of there if they do that. Billy said they have all kinds of people show up to the shop. Billy said he's going to lose money on the shop. He said it's like a man cave for him. Billy said he spends all day there. Howard asked if he gets to see Billy there. Billy said they're open to the public on the weekends but during the week they're just working on bikes. That's when he's there.
Howard asked why he'd want to run a business like that. Billy said he's ahead of the game so he doesn't care if he loses a little. Howard said he likes to help people too. He said he'll go out and help fishermen and stuff like that. Billy said he's having a good year so he will go out and help because they'd do the same for him if he was having a tough time.
Howard asked Billy about captain Jack and if he thinks that the guy heard the song. Billy said he probably did. He said he's gotten mail from a lot of Captain Jack's over the years. He said he can't do the song with just the piano. He said it's like playing Whole Lotta Love on the piano. Howard said he wants to hear that.
Billy said that most songs don't work on just the piano. That's why he has the band. Howard said he has seen him playing guitar. Billy said he's not sure they even put him into the mix when he's playing.
Howard said this is just too much sitting there with Billy. Billy asked if this was a piano bar or something. Howard said it is. Robin said that she was wondering about where the music comes from with some of the songs. He talked about how so many of them come from his dreams.
Gary asked about a song and Billy said it was just too high for him. Howard asked Gary to squeeze Billy's balls to get him up higher. Howard asked Billy what song was the first one he ever wrote. Billy sang some of that one. It was ''My Journey's End.'' Billy said that the song sucks and it's just so stereotypical. He said the poem was a stretch. He said he thought it was great when he wrote it. He said he was only about 15 when he did that song. He said he had a recording contract at 15. Howard said that must have been great. Billy said it was a lot of fun.
Howard asked Billy if he has ever apologized to people in school that he was mean to. Billy said that he has tried to reach out to people. He said that it still bothers him to this day that he would have a fling and never contact them again.
Howard asked Billy if he's a religious guy. Billy said he's an atheist. He said he tried church as a kid. He said he likes the sound and the acoustics in churches. He said they know what they're doing when it comes to that.
Howard asked Billy if he could ever get married again. Howard thought he wanted to have more kids. Billy said he's happy now and he's not going to get married again.
Howard asked Billy to play a song that he wanted to play. Billy sang ''One Last Song'' and made it up as he was going along. Howard asked if he ever consulted an image consultant when he was going along. Billy said that they told him to change his clothes but he didn't hire anyone to do that. Howard asked if he laughed at guys like Elton John and David Bowie who had to create those costumes. Billy said he likes that stuff and they're having fun doing it. He said that Lady Gaga wearing all of those outfits doesn't bother him at all. He kind of likes that stuff.
Howard asked Billy if he would ever write a song for someone again. Billy said he will never close the door on that. He said that he's really enjoying what he's doing now though.
Howard asked Billy who he has had discussions with about writing songs and it didn't work out. Billy said he's had discussions with a lot of guys but it's just never worked out. He said he wanted to work with Sting but that didn't work out.
Gary asked Billy if he played piano on ''Leader of the Pack.'' Billy said he played on a demo of the song. He said he's not sure if that made it to the album. Billy said he was only 15 at the time and he's not sure if they used his track.
Howard asked Billy if he's played piano on other songs that he didn't write. He said he has. He said he played for a Bob Dylan song.
Howard asked Billy to do one more song for him. He wanted to know what he could play. Billy didn't want to do a lot because they don't sound good with just the piano. Billy said all he could think was ''please don't make me sing anymore.''
They asked Billy to try some ''Angry Young Man'' but Billy was just having fun banging on the piano. Howard asked why he doesn't score a movie. Billy said he'd love to. He said he wanted to do ''The Perfect Storm.'' Howard said he should do Aquaman. Billy said he didn't know there was one.
Howard asked him to do ''Goodnight Saigon'' for his last song. Billy said he couldn't do that one. It's too big of a production. Howard asked Billy to do ''Summer Highland Falls'' so Billy did some of that as they were wrapping up the interview.
Howard said he loves Billy and thanked them from the bottom of his heart for coming in there. He said he knows his audience must have loved it. He said that it was a great interview and he never wanted to ask him to do this because he didn't want to take advantage of their friendship. Billy said the next time they do this they have to do it after 5 in the afternoon.
Howard gave Billy some more plugs for his web site and for TheLastPlayAtShea.com. They went to break after that.
Gary's Party Discussed. 04/30/07. 7:15am
Howard said he didn't even get to talk about Gary's party yet. Robin wasn't there because she claimed that she was sick. He didn't believe that was the case but she swore she was sick and fought it off that night. Howard figured she just found something better to do and she was at her New Jersey house enjoying that instead of going to Gary's house.
Howard said that Gary's new house is very nice. He said that he won this charity auction thing where they have this chef come over to cook. He talked about Gary's old radios that are all over the house and how he kind of over did that. He had a really nice desk there at the house so he asked him how much that cost him. Gary said it was about two grand. He also talked about how Gary has wires all over his office and he tripped over one of them when he came to say hello to Beth.
Howard said they had some fun there at Gary's house. He said the food was kind of slow coming out. He also said that they had an orchestra outside but it was cold out and Howard was closing the door on them because the cold was coming in. Artie said the house really is nice and he's got a porch on the place which was very nice. Howard asked him if he's going to put some trees in because his neighbors were waving to him as they were driving by. Gary said that he's having the landscaper come by today with some stuff. He said he's ready for the ass fucking on that whole thing.
Howard said he was playing some soldier game with Gary's kids and he wanted them to be the insurgents in Iraq but they didn't want to do it. He also said that Tom Chiusano was there and he's gotten braces and can barely speak with them in. Robin said that she saw them when she saw him and his lips were all beaten up from the braces. He said that if the guy got them at 30 he'd understand it, but he's 62 years old! He said he's got to keep them on for a year and he's not sure why he's doing something like that at his age. Gary asked Howard if he ever looked at Tom and thought about his teeth. Howard said he never did and now Tom has to cover up his teeth when he starts to laugh and stuff.
Howard said that Fred was there at Gary's house with his new hair cut. Artie showed up without his date. He said that he decided not to because it would have been a little weird. He said he was going to bring this chick that he met but things didn't work out so she didn't come. They spent a little more time on that until Howard realized it had been almost an hour and a half since they started the show with no breaks. He had Fred go right into commercial.
Howard Left Gary's Party Early! 04/30/07. 7:40am
Robin asked Howard if it was true that he walked out of Gary's party early. Howard said he had enough and left. He said that Beth told him that's why she loves him. Howard said he left at 6 to get to Gary's house in Greenwich, Connecticut. He said the cocktail hour lasted an hour and a half because Artie was running late. Artie got lost on his way there and he apologized for that but it was only 15 minutes. Dinner started at around 8:20 instead of 7. Artie was supposed to be there at 7 but he didn't get there until 5 minutes to 8. Artie said he never said that he was only 15 minutes late though.
Artie said that he left at 6:30 and it took him a little longer than he thought it was. He also said that when he got there he got a tour of Gary's house because he wanted to see it before they ate. Howard said he didn't eat much before dinner and just wanted to eat. He said the first three courses were fish and the final one was meat but he doesn't eat meat so he ended up leaving. It was 9:30 by that time so he just got up and left because he was so tired. He also said that he was seated next to Tom Chiusano so that was putting him to sleep.
Artie said that Howard was there with friends and he should have just hung out. Howard said he was just too tired and he's not sure how those guys can stay up so late. He said Robin wasn't even able to get herself to Gary's house. Artie said that he missed out on the great deserts that Mary made but Howard said she actually packed them up and he was eating them in his car on the way home. Artie thought that was pretty funny. He said he got there on time unlike some others there. He told Robin she would have left early as well if she had shown up.
Gary said there was a point when it got oddly uncomfortable. He said Howard got up while they were putting down the final course. He said Howard was calling out Beth's name trying to get her out there so they could leave. Howard said torture would have been easier than that thing. Artie said the rest of them just hung out talking until after midnight, it was supposed to be a party. Howard said he ran four and a half miles that afternoon and had a bunch of other things going on that day. He said he was very tired that night.
Artie told Howard he was wrong for leaving when he did. Howard said he didn't do anything wrong and he was very tired. He complained about the meal and how slow it was to come out there. Artie admitted he was wrong for showing up late but he also thinks that Howard was wrong for leaving early in the middle of a meal. Robin said she didn't show up because she didn't want to ruin the night for anyone else.
Howard claimed he was there for over 3 and a half hours but Gary said he wasn't there for more than 3 hours. Robin said that they really should get stuff done in less time than that. Howard said that Beth also fell asleep in the car and she was happy that they left when they did. He said she told him that she was tired as well. She thought the serving of the meal was very slow. Artie said he had to wait for Mary's desert at least because she made it herself. Robin started going off on Howard about leaving early so Howard went off on her because she didn't show up just because she had a tickle in her throat.
Howard said that his parents never stayed at parties more than an hour. He said he learned from them and he thinks that Artie and the rest of the guys staying so late was rude. Artie said they were having a great time talking though. Gary said that Fred and his wife didn't leave until 10:40. Howard wondered how Ronnie ended up getting invited to that dinner. Gary said he's part of the mix there. Howard thought he should have invited someone like Doug Goodstein to the dinner but Gary said he hangs out with Ronnie and he's closer to him than some of the other guys.
Robin blamed not showing up because she knew that Howard would have gotten sick from her if she had shown up. She was putting all of the blame on him. Howard said his day has to come to an end at some point and he just couldn't stay there any longer. Gary said that they were done with dinner by 10 so he could have stayed another 20 minutes. Howard said they weren't done and they still had desert going. Howard said he was really tired too so he had to get out of there.
Howard said that people are shitheads. If you say to people that you're starting your party at 7 o'clock, they should be there at 7. He said it doesn't mean 7:30 or 8 o'clock. Artie said he knows that it was wrong of him to show up so late. Fred said that if the party had been one hour earlier, it would have been perfect. Artie thought it was actually perfect the way it was. It was a great Saturday night party for him. Howard said that's the heroin addict in him talking. Howard complained about the way the chef was presenting the stuff to them before serving it when he just wanted to eat. Gary said the guy is a master chef and there really aren't that many of them in the world. This guy, Jean Louis, was very good. Howard said he didn't have a complaint about the food, it was very good, it was just slow coming out.
Howard kept goofing on Robin for not coming to the party because of the tickle in her throat. She was picking on him about things he did so he turned it around on her. Howard took a call from a guy who thinks that Richard and Sal should be pissed because Robin's seat could have been theirs.
Artie said that Howard really interrupted the party because Mary had to say goodbye to Howard and Beth and Ronnie had to make a call to the driver to get him to pick them up. Howard didn't seem to care. Gary said it was kind of funny when Howard was standing in the foyer yelling for Beth. Howard said he didn't know that the house was echoing so much. Artie said he was about a foot from them screaming! Howard told Gary that maybe he should get some more furniture in the house to cut down on the echo. He said he actually had a great time that evening.
Benjy Screams Out Against Violence. 07/23/04. 6:00am
Howard started off saying that they had a pretty busy show today. He then brought up this event that was held the other day in Central Park that Benjy went to. Benjy still has no voice because of it because it was a screaming against violence event. You're supposed to go up and scream for 15 seconds if you are against violence in any way. He explained how you scream for 15 seconds and then keep silent for 15 more. Howard wasn't sure who came up with something like this but Benjy went over there and screamed for the full 30 seconds instead of staying quiet for 15. Benjy annoyed people so much that Doug from E! says he'll never go to another event with him again. Doug told Howard that he's super annoying and out of control.
Artie pointed out that Benjy always fixes his hair when he gets on camera for some reason. Benjy whispered that it really bothers him that it looks that way. That led to Howard and Doug goofing on him for a couple of seconds. Howard then played the audio they had from the event. The whole crowd yelled at the top of their lungs for 15 seconds and then stopped... but Benjy continued to yell ''I hate violence'' at the top of his lungs for the other 15 seconds. Howard said some of the hippies there were encouraging him to keep going because he was so passionate. A reporter then went over to him and asked him how he was feeling. Benjy responded to that and then started yelling out even more. He jumped up on the stage and started to make a speech to the crowd.
Benjy was telling the crowd that they were all showing that they still gave a damn about stopping violence. The crowd was with him for a few seconds but he quickly turned them against him. Howard said when you see the video the woman who organized this thing had a look on her face like she thought he had the crowd on his side but she didn't know who he was. Benjy then starts talking about getting erect and how he's small when he's flaccid but large when he's erect. The crowd quickly turned against him and booed him. Benjy knew he'd gone too far by that point.
Benjy was asked to leave the stage but he continued to yell to the crowd about the war in Iraq. No one was responding to him at that point. There were just people trying to remove him from the stage. Benjy continued to yell about the War but people from the crowd were yelling at him to go away. Then people started to run away from Benjy and the crowd, of about 50 people, just scattered. Benjy continued to yell while a calm man told him that this was not what they were all about.
It wasn't over at that point. Doug said that was only about 10 percent of what happened. Benjy continued to yell about his insecurity with his penis while the event organizer was being interviewed about what had happened. The guy was explaining what his dream was for this event. Benjy was asking the crowd if there were any questions for him. People were yelling out to him to stop yelling because he was interrupting the interviews that were going on. Doug said that Benjy threatened to hold his breath if they didn't stay with him. Benjy asked one of the organizers if he was with him and the guy told him not to talk to him.
Doug said he separated himself from the whole thing so he wouldn't be involved with the whole thing. Doug said they sent down one of their PA's for the first time so he had no idea what was going on. Benjy told the organizer that he was going to go up on stage and hold his breath until they paid attention to him. The organizer told him to shut his ''F***ing'' mouth while he did the interview. Doug said he thought Benjy was going to pass out on stage while he was holding his breath. The peaceful crowd threatened to get the police to remove him so Benjy mentioned that the cops are the people who beat Rodney King.
Doug told Howard that after that Benjy stopped and grabbed a basketball from a couple of black guys who were playing ball. The guys who were playing were deaf and didn't know what to say when Benjy ended up picking one of them up. There was even more stuff going on after that. Doug said that Benjy kissed one of the black guys as well. Howard cut him off and let some phone callers through to talk about this. One guy said Benjy sounded kind of insane after all of that.
Doug explained how Benjy stopped to look at a dog and a few seconds later he was on all fours sniffing the dog's ass. Doug said they have all of this on video. Howard asked Benjy why he did that. Benjy just responded with ''I was against violence.'' Doug said the dog ran away after Benjy rolled on his back and sniffed his ass. Doug said he told Benjy to stop doing what he was doing at the rally but he just wouldn't do it. He asked the camera guy to break off from him so he would calm down. Benjy ended up getting into an argument with a homeless guy and pushed the camera man and Doug into his girlfriend. Howard figured he must have been showing off to her if that's what happened.
Doug told Howard how Benjy bought a shirt before going to this event. He got it all sweaty and covered with dog hair and went back to return the shirt about an hour after he bought it. They couldn't bring the camera into the store but Benjy tried to return it. Doug said the people there looked like they wanted to kill him. He also said that the guy is funny and he never stops with his goofy behavior. He is out of control. Doug says he thinks he's funnier than the Jackass guys and Tom Green.
Benjy said that the group is meeting every month and he may try to go to another one next month. A few callers, including Joey Boots, told Howard that this was funny stuff. Joey said that he was laughing his ass off over all of this and he used to hate Benjy. He told Howard to keep a camera on him all the time and just let him go out on the street and mess with people.
Howard played Benjy's intense screaming again after that. Joey Boots told him that he has to have him go down to the Republican National Convention to mess with some of those people. The guys said he'd probably get shot if he did something like that. Howard went to commercial break right after that.
In the clip Howard had Burton Cummings come in and asked about the name of the band and if it came before or after The Who. Burton said it came before them and he wasn't even in the band at the time they came up with the name. Howard asked if it's true they were ''The Guess Zeppelin'' before that.
Howard asked Burton about his marriage and the hit songs he's had. He had a piano set up in the studio so Howard had him play some of his hits. He had him play ''Stand Tall'' first.
Burton did some of that song and then talked about a relationship he had with a woman. He said that she asked to have a bit of a hiatus from him and 3 months later she married a lawyer. He said she got what she deserved. Burton said he was in love with her and he was home crying and writing songs about that relationship.
Howard said he doesn't listen to the lyrics. He said he just wants to be affected by the music. Burton said he came up with that song in about 25 minutes. He said ''These Eyes'' came out in about a half hour.
Howard asked him to do some of the song ''American Woman'' for them. Burton didn't think it would sound good on the piano but Howard had him do it anyway. Burton did a little bit of that but said he thought that he sounded like Dr. John in that.
Howard asked what American Woman was about. Burton told Howard that they were touring the states and when they went back to Canada he realized that the women there grow up faster. He said he got back to Canada and thought about how he prefers Canadian women. He said he started singing and what came out was ''American Woman stay away from me.'' He said that the song took off and the album snowballed.
Howard said he wrote a song called Farm Broads are Pigs when he was younger. He said Burton influenced him. He said that song never took off.
Howard asked how old he was when he wrote ''Laughing.'' Burton said he was 21 and that was another one about a relationship. He said that it wasn't a serious relationship but they wrote the song on a ferry ride in about 25 minutes. Howard had him perform some of that song. Burton went right into it. Howard even sang some of the parts with him. Burton said he likes when Howard sings along.
Robin asked what ''These Eyes'' was about. Burton said it was a hypothetical love song. He said that wasn't based on a real relationship. Howard said he likes this format of playing a little bit and then talking. Howard said Gary gave him a list of the hits he had and there are tons of them. He said he should have millions of dollars. Burton said he has less than 10 million but it's a few. He said he's a lot luckier than most who have lost their money. He said he's luckier than John Fogerty and Chuck Berry. He said Chuck wrote a huge rock song and he sold the rights to it for $100. Burton said he had to get the rights to his songs by going through a lot of lawyers and lawsuits.
Howard said they wrote a song parody to ''These Eyes'' and asked what he thinks. Burton said he had it right there. Howard said they always write song parodies about Gary's teeth. He said they were going to write something different about Burt Reynolds wig but Burton didn't want to do that. He was fine with the song about Gary's teeth though. He asked if he wanted to give it a try. Burton said he'd do that. Howard had him give it a try then. Burton went into the song ''These Teeth'' about Gary.
After the song Howard said it was brilliant. He said that's the way he should have written it originally. Gary said he found that to be hurtful and funny at the same time.
Howard asked Burton about Wolfman Jack. Burton said they were doing his show and they got to be friends with him. Howard said they liked working with him at WNBC. Howard said they don't have anything going on with him. Burton explained how they came up with the song and then performed a little bit of the song for him.
Howard asked if Burton wrote a song about him. Burton said he did it last night in his hotel room. He said he wrote it in about 20 minutes. He started to play the song and said it was an old do-wop feel. He sang the song where he had the letters of Howard's name standing for different things.
Howard said that was very good. He said he's a talented son of a bitch. Burton said he's working on a new album and he has about 50 songs that no one has heard. He said he works every day. He said that you have to keep singing and not take time off. He said that's the worst thing for a singer to do.
Gary came in and told Howard that his mom was on the line. Howard picked up on Ray who asked for a tape of his songs. Howard told her to go out and buy his album. Howard asked if she liked the Howard song. She said that she didn't want that one. She liked the other songs that he was singing. Ray said she likes that he came right on and just sang. She said he didn't pull that primadonna stuff and say that it's too early. Howard asked if Burton's mom is alive. Burton said she is. Howard said he has a question and wondered if her voice stays in his head when she's gone. Howard said he loves her but also called her an old bag.
Howard asked Burton to do another song while his mom is on the line. Ray said she loves his voice. Howard told her to go back to the radio and listen there. Ray said she'll do that. Howard asked if she has to yell into the phone. Ray said she thought he couldn't hear her. Howard let her go a short time later. He said he would get her a tape.
Howard said that was nice of her to call. Howard said she thinks Ringo has talent too. He said just imagine that his mother called in to tell him she likes his songs. Howard said he bought his mother a CD and she doesn't know that it's not a tape.
Howard asked Burton to do a little ''Undone'' for them. Burton performed some of that song for Howard. Howard said that's about taking a girl's bra off for the first time. Burton said that's not it. He said it's just about someone falling apart emotionally and mentally. Burton said he didn't write that song. He said that he made some changes to it but he didn't get writing credits on it.
Howard asked when he realized he didn't need to be in The Guess Who. Burton said he called a meeting with the band after being in the band for almost a decade to the day. He said the drummer was there the whole time with him. He said they had a lot of band member changes over the years. Howard said the drummer got the same amount of money that he got. Burton said in 1970 they were at their apex and they sold more singles than anyone on the planet.
Howard asked Burton to play some of his song ''Share the Land.'' Burton performed a little bit of that. Howard said the land in that song is a woman's vagina. Howard asked if he's right. Burton told him he had that one right. He said that song was banned in a few states. He said they thought it was communistic.
Howard got back to the story about how Burton left the band. Burton told Howard that he told the guys he wanted to go solo. He said that the drummer almost cried. Howard asked if it came out of the blue for them. Burton said he thinks it was a surprise to them. He said they were making a lot of money back then. Howard said Burton was the one writing the songs so they needed him. Burton said it was very silent and he just left the room. He said he had written a song a couple of months earlier and they didn't like the song. He said that he did it as a solo artist and it did pretty well. He said that the band didn't like his stuff so he thought about it and it was just time to get out. He said the band was turning into something he had no idea about.
Burton said that they were playing some weird stuff and he didn't want to do that. He said he didn't like the feeling he had at the time so he wanted to get out. He said he wasn't happy. He said it wasn't the most amicable split either.
Howard asked if they saw each other after that. Burton said they had a reunion in 1984 and he keeps in touch with some of the guys in the band. Burton said they still perform some of the songs he wrote so that's kind of weird for him.
Howard had Burton perform some ''No Sugar'' for them before he wrapped up. Howard said he thinks he knows what that is about. He said that's sex in a bad place. He said that's the worst place you can put it. Howard thanked Burton for coming in and thanked him for the song he wrote about him.
Comedian Mike Morse Visits. 10/16/06. 9:10am
Howard had the guys bring in comedian Mike Morse who was going to sit in for a while. Howard said that he heard that Mike banged a midget one time. Mike said that it wasn't a true midget, she was like an inch or two above the maximum height for a dwarf. Mike said he was able to get chicks once he started doing comedy and that's where he met the almost-a-midget chick. He said he's not embarrassed by that either because she was cute. He said she looked kind of like a 10 year old so it was kind of creepy.
Howard said that Mike would try to sneak fat chicks back to his hotel room when he'd go out on the road with Bob Levy. Mike said that was before he was married, which was over 10 years ago. Mike said he did the midget chick a couple of times and treated her pretty well. He said that she would tell him that he was ''so big'' but it was all relative to her size of course.
Mike said that he's not that big of a guy but now he knows what a big football player must feel like being able to flip a chick around.
Howard got in a couple of mentions for the upcoming Gary roast and the Bitter Half show that will be taking place on the two days that will be broadcast for free.
Howard found out that Mike is the guy who sang the Jon Hein song parody ''Rich Nerd'' and also sang on ''Ralphie Cakes'' which is one of his favorites. Mike said that he tried talking to Ralph a couple of times when he was up there at SIRIUS but he would always ignore him. He said he went home and recorded the ''Ralphie Cakes'' song and Ralph loves it. Fred played the song to let everyone hear that. Howard then brought in Jon Hein so they could play his ''Rich Nerd'' song as well.
Gary said that Steve Langford was nowhere to be found but Jon Hein was there to do his show preview. Howard asked Gary where Mike's plugs were so he could read them. Gary came in and said that Will hadn't gotten the plug from Mike yet so they didn't have it for him.
Fred played Jon Hein's theme ''Rich Nerd'' and Howard told him that he's got to stick to those parodies because they're funny. Mike said he's sent in a few others like one parody about Dana dumping Artie. Fred found that one and played it for Howard. Artie didn't want to hear it but they went through it anyway. It was to the tune of ''Desperado.'' Howard said he had no idea these were Mike's songs. Mike said that he might have to put his name in there so he'll know who they came from. Howard told him the song gives him chills for some reason. He also told Mike he's got a great voice.
Artie said that if Mike were famous, they could comment on his life as well. He went on to talk about how much sleep he got out in L.A. while he was out there over the weekend. He had a couple of meetings but spent most of his time sleeping out there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he likes Mike's songs better than anyone else's on the show. The guy was also saying that he's going to Iraq soon and all of his buddies are happy because he's got a SIRIUS subscription and they'll be able to listen on the web while they're over there. Howard told the guy not to go and to go to jail instead. He said that this guy probably didn't know he was going to be going to Iraq. He wished the guy luck over there.
Howard gave Mike some plugs for an appearance he has coming up and for his web site Mike-Morse.com.
In the clip Howard was talking to the guys in the band Wham and told them they're going to be the next Beatles. Howard had some notes about them and he said that they have a hit song where they do this ''Jitter Bug'' thing. He asked them to do it. One of the guys did it for him.
Howard noticed they wear their ear rings in both ears. Howard said he might get snap on ear rings. Howard read some more notes about the guys and said they hang out in Miami a lot. The guys said they made a video there. Howard said Gary is a jackass. He got him the notes about them.
Howard said he was told to say that they're not homosexuals and they're just friends. Howard said that they like girls, right? Howard said he thought they were straight. Howard said that they're straight and Johnny Mathis is queer. Howard asked if they're accused of that. The guys said that the music industry has gay fever right now.
Howard asked if they have girlfriends. The guys said they have some leftovers from yesterday. Howard asked if they have any more songs coming out. they said they have one called Careless Whisper coming out soon. Howard said he loves it already.
Howard said he likes these guys. He asked if anyone else had a question for them. Janie the Cleaning Lady was in and asked if they're from England or English. Howard said that's the question she came up with.
Howard asked if they had one of their songs to play. They had one but it was the song they played all the time. Howard said he wants to play something else. Howard said they were going to do a commercial break and then come back and play one of their songs. They took a quick break and then came back and played ''Careless Whisper.''
Howard played some of the song and came back asking if they were gone. They were so Howard had them shut the song off. Howard had them play some Grand Funk Railroad instead.
Mark Harris And Daveed Visit. 11/11/1997. 8:25am
Howard had Mark Harris come in with his boyfriend Daveed. He explained who Mark was and how he was married to Martha Raye. He went on to talk about how after Martha died, Mark got $2.4 million from her estate. Mark said he invested most of that money and he's hoping to be able to live off of that. He said the house he's building is where most of that money will end up. The house is going to be 14,000 square feet and it will be for him and his daughter.
Mark said that Martha's daughter got $50,000 out of the will but she would have gotten just one dollar if it wasn't for him. He convinced Martha to give her more. Howard asked Mark about his love making with Martha and how he did it at least two times. He asked Daveed if he knew that Mark had made love to a 90 year old woman. Daveed said he did know that. Mark interrupted and asked Howard about the Real Doll but Howard didn't want to talk about that, he wanted to talk to Mark about his life.
Howard asked Mark about what he did after Martha died. Mark had gone over to Europe and met Daveed. Mark said that was about 3 years later though. Daveed was playing his violin at the time so Howard had him reenact that moment. Daveed played his violin a little bit for them. Howard asked Mark what he sang with Daveed that night he met him. Mark said it was Broadway tunes but he didn't remember which ones because he was so drunk at the time.
Howard asked Daveed about how he got Mark into bed and got him undressed. Daveed said that Mark was a little overweight so Howard figured he was disgusted by him. They spent a few minutes going over all of that. They eventually realized that they could work together musically. Mark said they realized that almost immediately.
Howard was going to let Mark and Daveed perform a song but took some phone calls first. He also found out that Mark was actually born Mark Harris Bleefeld which he felt came off too German so he shortened it. He had Mark and Daveed start their song a short time after that. Daveed played his Violin over a music track while Mark sang ''Eternity.'' Jackie was laughing through the whole song. Fred was also letting out a few laughs while Mark was belting out the song.
Howard said the phones were lit up after the song. He took a couple of calls and let the fans comment on what they had just heard. One guy asked if his first wife was a lesbian. Mark said that was not true at all. He said that he wanted to know what this man's name was but the guy wouldn't give that information out. Some other callers told Mark he was awful and Gilbert Gottfried's singing Rabbi is better. Another guy said that his sphincter muscle tightened up when he heard Mark singing.
Howard let a few more callers through and said he didn't want Mark to get upset by taking more. Mark said it was all fine. Howard let a few more callers through to goof on Mark about his awful singing. Howard told Mark that he actually liked the performance. Robin said it was very interesting. Howard asked Daveed to play a little more for them before he wrapped up. Daveed played a little concerto on his violin and Howard told Mark to take off his clothes while he played. Howard said that Daveed really has some talent and he's not sure how he got saddled with Mark. He went to break a short time later.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:35am.
The Stern Show From Las Vegas Day 2 - Miss Butterface Contest. 05/13/04. 7:30am
Howard came back from break and talked about BANGO and their karaoke contest coming up later in the show. Howard noticed how plastered Artie was getting already. He also noticed the woman who was bringing Artie his drinks who was really hot. They then moved on to the Miss Butterface contest.
Rob Schneider was the special guest judge for the contest. Rob asked to be a judge when he was on the show a few months back. He flew in from Amsterdam to do this Miss Butteface thing even though he's shooting ''Deuce Bigalow European Gigalo.'' Rob said that they did write a part for Howard and they know he wants to play a man whore. He also said they have a giveaway on CollegeClub.com where college kids can get the chance to visit the set of the new movie. Rob asked for 2 beers and two shots so he could start getting drunk while they do the Miss Butterface contest.
Rob and Artie did a couple of shots together before the contest started. Artie was doing the shots and drinking some Jack and water to wash that down. Gary came out and reminded everyone of the rules for the contest. He said the guys have to rate the girls on their bodies on a scale of 10 with 10 being the best. Then they have to rate the women's faces on a scale of 10 with 10 being the ugliest face... because it's the Miss Butterface contest... everything's good but-her-face.
Ralph came out to the jeers of the crowd. Artie was laughing and saying that the show is much funnier when you're drunk. Howard moved on and had the first contestant come out. Stacy came out and they played a clip of her talking about her body and her face. She says she has a 10 body and a 4 face. She came out with a bag on her head so they could rate her body. Howard gave her body a 10 and said she had a perfect ass. Rob Schneider liked her and also gave her a 10. Robin came in with a 10 and Ralph gave her an 8. Gary gave her a 9 and Fred gave her a 9. Artie gave her a 9 on her body. Stacy then took off her bag and got some rough responses from the guys. Stacy said that her friend entered her into the contest. Howard asked Ralph what he'd give her. He rated her at an 8. Howard said he thought she was pretty and didn't think she was that bad. He gave her a 3. Gary gave her a 6. Rob gave her a 4 because she was too good looking. Robin didn't think she was that bad either. She gave her a 4. Artie thought she looked like Ryan Seacrest and gave her a 3. Fred gave her a 6 after saying that her face was growing on him after the initial shock of seeing it.
Next up was Bianca. She says that she's 23 years old and from Romania. She was up on stage in her bathing suit and she looked pretty good according to Howard. Rob Schneider gave her a 6 for her body. Ralph gave her an 8. Gary a 9 and Robin a 6. Howard gave her an 8 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred gave her a 7. When she revealed her face the guy sounded shocked. Rob said they should stop the contest right then. Gary gave her a 9 for her bad face. Ralph gave her a 6. Howard gave her an 8 and Rob gave her a 7. Robin didn't think she was that bad and gave her a 6. Artie gave her a 9 after saying she looked like his 7th grade science teacher... Mr. Molinari. Fred gave her an 8 because his watch stopped after she took that bag off.
The next contestant was Cindy, another 23 year old. She came out and revealed her body. Ralph said that she was a mess and gave her body a 2. Rob gave her a 4 and Gary gave her a 5. Howard also gave her a 5 and Robin gave her a 6. Artie gave her a 6 as well while Fred gave her a 3. She removed her bag and the face must have been bad. Artie said she looked like Henry Hill. She had huge ears and Gary said they were calling her Prince Charles. Ralph gave her a 10 for the bad face. Howard agreed and gave her a 10. Gary gave her a 9 and Rob gave her a 9 as well. Robin gave her a 9 and Artie gave her a 10. Fred came in with a 10 but said he'd give her a 14 if he could.
Howard had to take a break after Cindy's evaluation. When they came back Howard said this will all air on E! starting next week. Robin then got a couple of shots to drink like everyone else was doing. Robin took one of the shots and downed it within a few seconds. Howard got back to the Miss Butterface contest. The next contestant was Debbie. She came out and the guys rated her body. Gary gave her a 3 for her body. Ralph gave her a zero! Rob gave her a 5 because she's 49 years old. Robin gave her a 5 as did Howard. Artie threw in another 5 and Fred gave her a 2. She took off her bag and the guys were shocked once again. Gary gave her a 7 for her face. Ralph gave her a 6. Rob gave her an 8 for the face. Howard gave her a 9, Robin gave her a 7 and Artie gave her a 10. Fred gave her a 9.
Howard was wasted from the tequila he was drinking. He said he wasn't going to drink anymore after that. The next contestant was Michelle. She rates her face at a 5. She's 33 years old and married. Artie was laughing when she came out. Gary rated her at a 5 for her body. Artie gave her a 10, Howard gave her a 7 and Rob gave her a 6. Ralph gave her a 6 and Robin gave her a 4. Fred said the bag should go all the way to her feet and gave her a 4. The crowd was shocked again when she took that bag off. Rob said that he'd give her a 10. Ralph gave her a 9, Robin also gave her a 9 and Howard, Artie and Fred gave her a 10.
Next up was Nicole who rated herself at a 5 on her own face. Howard gave her a 7 on her body. Gary gave her an 8 and Ralph gave her a 6. Rob gave her a 7.5. Robin gave her an 8 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred threw in another 7. She took off her bag and it wasn't good. Rob gave her a 7, Ralph gave her a 9 and Gary gave her a 7. Robin said it was an 8 and Howard gave her a 7. Artie threw in a 9 while Fred gave her the same... a 9.
Next up was Penny. She revealed that she lost her virginity at 11 but not willingly. Howard gave her a 6 for her body. Gary also gave her a 6 while Ralph gave her a 5. Rob gave her a 7 and Robin gave her a 7. Artie gave her a 7 and Fred gave her a 6. She took off her bag and Rob let out a yell. Ralph wanted to give her an 11 but had to keep it at a 10. Gary gave her an 8, Rob gave her a 9 and Robin gave her an 8. Howard gave her a 9 and Artie gave her a 9. Fred threw in a 10.
Rachel was up next. She was only 21 years old. The crowd went nuts when she came out for some reason. She slipped when she came out and the bag fell off her head. Howard gave her a 4, Gary gave her a 5 and Ralph gave her a 2. Rob Schneider gave her a 7 and Robin gave her a 5. Artie gave her a 2 and Fred did the same. She took off the bag and her face wasn't that bad. Ralph gave her a 6, Gary a 5, Howard a 4, Rob a 6 and Robin a 5. Fred gave her a 3 and Artie gave her a 3.
The next contestant was Sherri. When she came out the crowd was making a lot of noise. She had big boobs so Ralph gave her a 2. Rob gave her a 7, Gary a 6, Robin 4, Howard 6 and Artie an 8. Fred gave her a 3. She took off the bag and the guys rated her face. Howard gave her a 10, Gary an 8, Ralph a 9, Rob a 9 and Robin a 9. Fred gave her a 10 and Artie gave her a 10.
The final contestant was Debbie A., a 37 year old woman. Howard said she had a 9 body. Rob gave her a 9, Gary a 9, Ralph a 6, Robin a 9, Artie a 9 and Fred a 9. She took off her bag and it wasn't all that bad. Gary gave her a 7, Ralph a 4, Rob a 7, Robin a 5, Howard a 9, Artie a 2 and Fred a 4.
Howard had the guys go through the scores and then revealed the winner. Ralph though that number 2 should have been the winner. Gary told the guys that the winner was number 5, Michelle who scored a 68. They shot off a bunch of confetti when they announced the winner. They had a guy come out with a $25,000 check courtesy of Hitman Contracts the video game which is available for Xbox, Playstation 2 and PC. The guy was dressed as Agent 47 from the video game. Howard wrapped up the contest after that and thanked Rob for stopping by to judge the contest.
Sinead O'Connor Comes In. 6/9/00. 8:30am
Singer Sinead O'Connor came in to promote her new CD ''Faith & Courage'' this morning. Howard wanted to talk to her about the headlines in today's newspaper that say Sinead is now a full blown lesbian. Sinead really didn't want to talk about that much though. Sinead told Howard that she'd done an interview with the magazine ''Curve'' and they're the ones who put out a press release saying that she's now coming out of the closet as a lesbian. She said it was ''wicked'' of ''Curve'' to do something like that without even consulting her about it. She said that she has always had issues hanging over her and her music and she doesn't want that to happen with this new album.
At first Sinead was very quiet and just wanted to promote her album. She wouldn't let Howard get a word in and just kept talking about her album while Howard would ask her questions about her life. He asked her if she had a horrible childhood.. She pushed the album. After a few minutes she finally loosened up and started talking a little bit. Howard asked her what she's worth and she actually said $3½-4 million. She said that she's not extravagant and saves her money for her kids... Then she plugged the album again.
Howard kept bringing up the lesbian thing and she finally started talking about that. She said that she had a problem with the lesbian thing because her home country of Ireland is a very homophobic place. She said that is still an issue with her but she has tried to overcome that. She said she adores men and her best friends are men but she prefers to make love to women. She said she can relate to making love to them better. She also said that she's chosen not to be with anyone at this time. She's concentrating on her career right now.
Sinead seemed to come to life after seeing Robin. It took a few minutes before she knew where she was and once she saw her she seemed to fall in love. Her monotone almost vanished as she said ''Oh hi!'' to Robin. She was talking to Robin and not looking at Howard so he had to ask her to look at him again. Howard was getting on her nerves and she said that guys like him ''make you want to be with women.'' Howard told Sinead that Robin once went 7 years without sex. That surprised Sinead but Robin said that she masturbated in that time quite a bit. Howard then asked Sinead if she does that. Sinead said that she does it constantly. She's not a fan of vibrators though. She prefers her right hand.
Howard played a little bit of Sinead's first single ''No Man's Woman'' off the new album. He said that she'll be performing on ''The Late Show with David Letterman'' tonight.
Howard finally got Sinead to talk a little bit about her childhood. Her mother had this Munchausen syndrome by proxy. That's where the parent hurts the child to get attention for herself. Howard's notes said that Sinead's mother used to beat her but Sinead wouldn't bad mouth her. She said that she loves her anyway. She said that 10 years ago she may have bad mouthed her but that was just a stage she went through. Sinead said that early in her career she may have come off as angry but it was just her tender and shy personality.
Howard asked her if she ever smokes weed and she said she does that constantly but not as often as she masturbates. Howard saw that she's not wearing a top on the cover of her album and she told Howard that she wasn't wearing any underwear this morning. No panties and no bra. She said she's not a believer in underwear. She was having so much fun that she was smiling. Howard said he'd never seen her smile.
Sinead also spoke a little bit about her religious beliefs and how she's a Catholic Priest.. in Ireland. There's some kind of movement over there that allows women to become Priests. Howard changed the subject by asking her if she shaves. She said that she sometimes shaves her genital area and her armpits. Now that she's not with anyone she doesn't have to maintain all of that like she usually does. At the end of it all Howard told Sinead that if she ever wants to get over the lesbian thing she just needs to call him.
James the unfunny, smelly intern and his comedy coach. 4-17-96. Smelly James brought his so called comedy coach in for show and tell today. This woman didn't do any of her own comedy today and she sure didn't sound like any fun. This woman used to be in some comedy troop called ''The First Amendment''. She said that there were a couple of famous people that came out of that troop including Bruce Willis and John Leguizamo(House of Buggin, Mambo Mouth). Personally I think that John Leguizamo may be one of the unfunniest comedians on earth, so I called in and voiced my opinion on the air(so much for screening the calls). The woman said that it wasn't true, but what would she know? She's teaching James and look at how horrible he is. She charges $50 a session for this crap and she thinks that there is some talent in him! ''He needs to hone his material...'' she says. I think he needs to melt it down and start from scratch, not hone it. James did some more of his material while the coach was there and Howard wanted her opinion on the material. He once again bored us to tears with his droning voice. He reads off of cards in this awful monotone. And the worst part is that you can tell that he's reading. In the middle of the interview Howard asked James if his lips were blue, James said that he had some ''cream'' on them and it wasn't blue, it was white. Well a little later, Howard found out that it was HEMORRHOID CREAM! James' lips were chapped and he was out of ChapStick so he improvised with friggin HEMORRHOID CREAM! Hemorrhoid cream shrinks your hemorhoids, I can't imagine what it must have been doing to his lips! Howard said the fool was even licking his lips with that crap on them! What a nut!
William Shatner Comes In. 5/21/99. 8:50am
William Shatner, Captain Kirk on ''Star Trek'', came in to promote so many things today. The main thing was his new book ''Get a Life'' which is about Star Trek fans who go to these conventions. Shatner also brought a rapper by the name of Rated R in with him. The two of them did a song for a movie called ''Free Enterprise.'' Shatner does some Shakespeare reading in the song while Rated R raps incoherently. Howard played some of the song for everyone. Howard spent some time talking about this new book. The book isn't negative toward the Star Trek fans. Shatner said that it's just the opposite. Shatner said that he went to some conventions in disguise and found out that the fans do the conventions to be part of a big fraternity of 'Trek fans. Howard also brought up Priceline.com because Shatner is a spokesman for the company and he was given stock options as part of his payment. Howard thought that Shatner made $7 million when the stock first came out but Shatner said he can't sell the stock for 3 years so it's not worth anything right now. Howard also spoke to Shatner about his new young wife for a short bit. Then he brought in this guy Randy who claims to be Shatner's biggest fan. Randy brought in a bunch of his collectible toys and dressed up in a Star Trek costume. You wouldn't know he was a fan because he was very confrontational with Shatner. He questioned him about Priceline.com because in the new book he claims that he's deathly afraid of flying. Randy thought it's funny he does the commercials for a company that gets people cheap airline tickets if he doesn't like to fly. Eventually Randy disturbed Shatner so much that they had to remove him from the room. Shatner also threw in a quick mention of another book of his ''Dark Victory (Star Trek)'' and stuck around to do the live Priceline.com commercial with Howard. Mr. Shatner will be signing books for only 1 hour at the Book Review in Huntington, Long Island tonight.
In the clip Howard took a call from a woman who asked when they're going to have Eddie Van Halen on the show. Howard said he's coming in tomorrow. The caller said she would love to come in and meet him. Howard said he just got a note saying he was there. The caller sounded thrilled. Howard said hi to Eddie who was being played by Jackie the Joke Man Martling. Howard said maybe they can get a guitar set up for him. Howard asked what her name is. She said it was Melissa. Howard said maybe he can write a song about Melissa.
Howard asked Melissa if she's his biggest fan. Melissa said she named her cat after him. She said she actually named two of them Eddie after one disappeared.
Howard played a new song from the Van Halen album which turned out to be one of Jackie's songs. Howard asked Eddie if he could write a song for her. Eddie said he had never done that but he'd try.
Melissa told the guys a little bit about herself. She said she's 17 years old and she's been a fan for a long time. Howard asked who she looks like. She said she's 5'1'' tall. Howard said she must look like Alf. She said she doesn't look like anyone famous. Howard asked if she looks like Eddie's wife Valerie. She laughed. Eddie said that they shouldn't mention her name when talking to other women.
Eddie asked if she has been to a lot of their concerts. She said she hasn't but she has their 1984 album and she borrowed 5150 from a friend and it was great.
Howard had Jackie play some guitar and sing a song to Melissa. Jackie went into a song and made it up about her. She said she had to get a tape going for this. Howard said she's probably taping over something important. Melissa said she didn't want to say what she was taping over. Howard said she missed it because Eddie just finished. Howard said Eddie has to go anyway. He said she missed it but because of that he'd get her address and maybe Eddie could come over and visit her at home. Howard asked if she'd like that. Melissa said she would. Howard asked if he'd be the greatest radio show host ever. She said she would. Howard asked what her address was and when she started to tell him he just hung up and said he lost her. They went to break after that.
Robin Upset With Howard's Lack Of A Birthday Gift. 08/08/1995. 8:15am
Howard told Robin that his wife had gotten Robin a gift and it was a family gift to her. Robin was upset that Howard didn't get her anything himself though. She said that he had nothing to do with it so it wasn't something he thought about giving her. Howard said he and his wife talked about it and they got her this gift of dinner and a show. Robin said it wasn't a gift from him and his name wasn't mentioned when it was given to her.
Howard asked Robin how old she is. She just turned 43 so Howard told her she doesn't look it. Robin was still upset that Howard didn't get her a gift. Howard insisted that he had but she said it wasn't from him. Howard said that she's getting tickets and a night out on the town from his family. Howard told her she was insane and wondered how many times she had been 43 years old.
Robin Still Pissed About Howard's Gift. 08/08/1995. 8:55am
Robin did a story about Anna Nicole Smith's husband dying shortly after she had appeared on their show. She also talked about Larry Hagman who had a tumor removed from his liver. She also had some stories about Michael Jackson and more about the OJ Simpson trial.
After taking a break Howard came back and talked about how he would like to see MTV come out with a 24 hour a day dance channel. He loves watching the dance shows on that channel. He said that they could have shows for different age groups but they have to keep them under the age of 30.
Robin told Howard that she is really bothered by something and she wasn't sure if she should bring it up on the air. She wondered if she could say how she feels and not have it go any further. Howard told her to go ahead and do it. Robin said that she doesn't want to discuss it off the air so she asked Howard to keep it on the air.
Robin told Howard that she hasn't observed her birthday and she's kind of upset about that because she has done so many things for him in the past. She said that she wants to end any fake observance of her birthday now and just drop it.
Howard told Robin that it's not her place to tell someone what her birthday gift is or isn't. He said this shows that she is not cured. He said that he and his wife picked out her gift and that's what happened. Robin isn't happy with that and doesn't think Howard had anything to do with the gift. Howard said that Robin has some nerve telling him she's not happy with the gift. He said that's the gift he was going to give her and if she doesn't want it, he'll take it back.
Howard told Robin there's no difference if he hands her a gift he bought or of his wife bought it. He paid for it, it's from him. Robin still didn't think that he had put any thought into it. Howard said that he once picked out some jewelry for her and she didn't like that either. He told her it was too late now, she's not getting her Cookie Puss ice cream cake.
Howard said that Robin should ask people close to her if those thoughts of hers are healthy. He said that it's really rude to comment on a gift that way. Robin said that this was on her mind all day long and she had to talk about it. She said she's not angry, she just didn't think the gift was thoughtful. Howard said this is some way to thank him on her birthday.
Howard was going to get her something today and give it to her tomorrow but she didn't want him doing that either. Howard was going to take some phone calls but mumbled ''anti-semite'' under his breath. Robin said that wasn't very nice, she's not anti-semitic. She told Howard that if someone confronted her about something like that, she wouldn't call them names and make fun of them like that. Robin realized that she can't discuss things with Howard like she thought she could.
Howard wanted to get some other opinions about this situation but Robin said she doesn't respect Tom Chiusano enough to take his advice. Gary came in and asked Robin if she was for real. She insisted that she was. Howard said he did the best he could with the gift and really put some thought into it. Robin didn't agree. Gary said that some callers are agreeing with Robin and saying that he pawned off the gift giving to his wife.
Gary said that other people on the show didn't even remember it was Robin's birthday today. Howard always remembers. Robin told Howard that if it was a bother to him, he shouldn't get her anything. Howard said he never said it was a bother.
Howard told Robin to give up her gift and he'll go find something else for her. She said she didn't want to do that but said that Howard has not observed her birthday the way she observes his birthday. Robin wouldn't back down and kept going off on him for his lack of thought.
Gary said that some callers think that Robin is going through the change of life so that's why she's acting the way she is. Howard said he's done talking about this and he has plenty to do today so he wanted to move on. Robin wasn't quite done and continued to go off on him.
Fred tried playing Robin's news theme music to get her back into the news but she was still talking about the gift. She told Howard that this was her payback for what he did to her with Clarence Clemens. Howard asked Billy a question during that discussion but he asked not to be brought into the argument.
Robin got back to her news and pretended that nothing had happened. Howard said he promised that he would do better at Christmas time. Howard mentioned that this guy Bobby who was working with Kato Kaelin turns out to be this guy who won a song parody contest they held when they were out in Los Angeles. He said the guy went out there to L.A. with them and ended up staying out there. Howard played his song parody but it was really bad and both he and Robin wondered how he could have won.
The gift thing came up again late in the show when Howard was going off on Martin Sheen for some comments he made about the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima. He couldn't quite get over that fight that he and Robin had just had. Robin finished up her news so Howard and the guys sang ''Happy Birthday'' to her quickly. Robin said that Fred had sent her a card but it was something that he had scribbled on a piece of white paper. Fred said he did come up with that on his own though.
Kyra Sedgwick Comes In. 4/11/00. 7:45am
Actress Kyra Sedgwick came in this morning to promote her new TV show ''Talk To Me'' which airs tonight on ABC. Much to Howard's delight Kyra was wearing an open shirt without a bra. He said he could see her back and her boobs looked great. Kyra said she was happy to be on the show. Her husband Kevin Bacon has done the show many times but this was Kyra's first time. She was very upbeat and seemed to enjoy being there. Howard told her that her breasts looked great and she told him that to get the nice big boobs you have to eat fatty foods. She said her mom does that and her breasts are great also. Howard soon moved on to talk about how Kyra gets a ''Brazilian Bikini Wax''. She didn't really admit it at first but he soon got her to talk about it a bit. This Brazilian bikini wax is when they wax the whole pubic area. She said that she basically lies on her back with her legs spread so they can wax her area. Howard has heard that it's the most painful thing a woman can experience but Kyra said that's not true. Howard was impressed that she still wants to turn her husband on by doing this.
Howard spent a little time talking about Kevin also. He asked her if he's ever cheated on her. Kyra says he hasn't but Howard told her he doesn't believe that. He thinks that Kevin has to have cheated on her. They don't have an open marriage so Kyra says she doesn't think it has happened.
Kyra told Howard that she first met Kevin when she was around 13 years old. They met later in life when she was about 21 and Kevin asked her to marry him the same year. They've been together for about 13 years.
Howard asked Kyra if they put either of their 2 kids in movies like Kathie Lee Gifford does. Kyra said that ''..certain things she(Kathie Lee) does are shocking..'' Kyra says they'd never put their kids in show business like Kathie Lee does. It's just wrong.
Howard had heard that Kyra walked into an airplane's propeller one time but she told the real story. She was flying on a small plane with Kevin and his band. She got out to help pull her luggage out and when she stood up and started walking she hit the wing and sliced open her head. She said there was blood all over and she had to have plastic surgery to fix the gash.
The subject of circumcision came up and Kyra told Howard that their son wasn't circumcised. Howard said that's good and that if he'd had a son he wouldn't allow it either. Howard had been asking whether or not Kevin was circumcised but Kyra wouldn't say yes or no. Howard thinks it's mutilation when they do that to babies. Kyra agreed.
Howard spent a few minutes talking about Kyra's new TV show before she left. It's a talk radio type of show that takes place in New York City. She plays a morning radio talk show host. She said it's loosely based on a Howard-Stern-type of show. She and Howard also discussed lesbian kisses. Kyra has done a few in her acting career. She said she's even tried slipping some tongue in a couple of times but the other women don't reciprocate.
Sal The Stockbroker's Odd Request. 04/14/05. 6:00am
Howard was sounding a little better than he did yesterday. He's feeling a little better as well. He and Robin went back and forth asking each other how they're doing kind of goofing around. Howard said he went home and slept yesterday trying to get rid of the cold he has but it's still hanging in there. He said that he's kind of depressed having that cold. Robin had an article about New Yorkers being depressed so she looked for that while Howard and Artie talked about their own depression.
Howard said he got a note from Gary yesterday that was kind of weird. Sal the Stockbroker, who works there, sent Howard this note through Gary. He's working tonight at a place so he needs a place to crash and he wanted to use Howard's apartment. Howard figured it was a goof but Gary swore it was serious. Sal came in and told Howard it wasn't a bit, he was serious. Sal said that people have told him that he's being inappropriate and he doesn't get that. Howard told Sal that he's a weirdo because of that. Gary said that Sal lost a bet to a couple of guys there because of this whole thing. He bet one of the salesmen and Gary that Howard would say ''yes'' to him. Howard said he doesn't want Sal staying at his apartment. Gary said that Sal really thought that Howard would let him hang out in his guest room, he'd wake up in the morning, take a shower and then hop into his limo to come to work tomorrow morning. Howard told Sal that he doesn't want him in his apartment, ever. Sal thought that he and Howard had a pretty personal relationship outside of the show but Howard doesn't seem to believe that. Sal was also saying that he likes Survivor so he and Howard could watch it tonight. Howard told him he's insane.
A month ago Sal was just a superfan of the show. Now he's working on the show and he thinks he can stay in Howard's apartment. Artie said that Sal is jealous of certain people in Howard's life or something. To rub it in, Howard told Sal that Joey Boots is no different than him. Sal didn't think it was all that big of a deal to ask Howard to stay in his ''huge, huge place'' for one night. Howard said that Sal doesn't know anything about his apartment and he's never seen it. Gary said he told Sal that Howard doesn't want to spend the night with anyone, he just wants to go home and live his life. Artie was laughing his ass off the whole time hearing all of that stuff. He said that Sal is really funny after hearing all of this. Sal kept saying that Howard is his boss so Howard told him that he's not. Tom is really his boss and he should be asking him if he can stay at his place tonight.
Sal said he was talking to Louis the Board Op the other day and wondering why he can't move to the ''next level'' with Howard. Sal said that Howard hangs out with people like Dominic Barbara and he doesn't get why Howard won't spend time with him. Howard told Sal that there's something about him that's just ''odd'' and this whole thing sealed the deal. He said he will never take him to the ''next level'' as he's asking. Sal said that he's been fantasizing about being in the studio with Howard since he was about 17. Now that he's in there, he wants more. He said that Louis told him that this stuff shouldn't be all that important to him. That's what Howard was telling him as well. He said that Sal is a ''star f'er'' and he's got to get over that. Sal told Howard he wanted to hang out and watch Survivor and eat dinner together.
Tom Chiusano came in and gave Howard two words ''Restraining Order.'' He seems to think he's kind of nuts with all of this stuff. Sal said that Louis the Board Op advised him to bring all of this stuff out to Howard. Louis came in and told Howard that he did tell Sal that maybe he could ask Howard about some of this stuff but didn't think he'd be asking to stay at his apartment. Howard played a ''Crazy'' song parody about Sal that they created about him the last time he freaked out on the air. He's a bit nuttier than they expected. Howard said that this is the creepiest thing. He told Sal to go hang out with his friends instead of bothering him. Sal said he doesn't have friends. Howard cut everyone off and said that they have a new Page 69 on HowardStern.com and they claim that they caught Sal going through the releases looking for Ace Frehley's phone number. Sal said he just wanted to see what it looked like and just stared at it for a minute. He wasn't going to do anything with it. Howard said that Sal will never have his address and he doesn't want him at his apartment.
Howard asked Louis if it was the weirdest conversation when he was talking to him about this stuff. Louis didn't seem to think it was all that crazy because everyone there is a little nuts. Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sal called Beth looking for the recipe for Engagement Chicken. Louis also told Howard that some of the people there get pissed if he doesn't credit them with a joke they wrote or something like that. Howard said that when a Leno or Letterman do jokes on their show, they don't credit the individuals. Sal asked Robin if, when she was a nurse, it would be okay to ask a surgeon to stay at his place if she had to stay in the area late. She said that was out of the question and she would never do that.
Joey Boots called in and said that Sal is the best thing for the show. He said he thinks that Sal is delusional and it's great. Joey believes that Sal is serious right now. Howard seems to believe it as well. Howard heard that Scott the Engineer was all fired up. Scott came in and said that he's been working with Howard for 20 years and he still hasn't gone to dinner with Howard. He told Sal to get used to it because that's the way things go there. Howard told Scott that there are just certain people he doesn't want to be with. He's had Robin, Fred and Artie over for dinner. Howard said that Jason, Will, Benjy, Fred, Richie, Isaac, Louis, Mike Gange and others all live in the city and Sal could stay with any of them if he asked. He doesn't get why he wants to stay with him. Howard said that Sal scares the hell out of him. Sal kept bringing up Dominic Barbara and figured that's the kind of person he has to be to get on Howard's good side. Howard told Sal that he doesn't want to be his friend.
Robin said that Dominic used to do stuff like this with Ralph because he didn't get why Ralph was good friends with Howard. Gary said that even now Sal doesn't get that Howard doesn't want to hang out with him. Vinnie Favale from CBS called in and told Howard that Sal used to contact him all the time and asked him what Howard thought about him. Now he doesn't even call him anymore because he's already ''in'' with the show. Vinnie told Howard that he should drop him already. A listener from Seattle called in and asked if he could stay with Howard as a goof. Sal was asking Howard if he has a custom made bed. Howard said he's not going to tell him anything about his life. He and Robin told Sal to watch ''The King of Comedy'' because that's what this is like. He said that he's really scared by Sal's behavior today. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told Sal that he should really drop this stuff or Howard is going to tell him to get out. Ronnie also rubbed it in and told Sal that Howard tells him he can stay at his apartment once in a while if he gets stuck in the city in the snow or something. Fred played a clip from ''Misery'' that kind of sounded like something Sal would do.
Sal said that if he and Howard were working a construction site and Howard was the foreman, this wouldn't have been a big deal. Robin said that the only reason he wants to stay with Howard is because he's Howard Stern. A couple of callers told Howard that Sal is nuts. Bobo called in and said that Howard made a mistake by taking Sal to dinner one night. Howard said that it's funny that Richard Christy turned out to be the normal one out of the two. Howard said he knew that Sal was mentally ill when Ace Frehley was on the show and acted the way he did. Bobo told Sal that he's delusional and he's got to know when not to step over the line. Howard told Sal that he will never be invited to his home after all of this. Double A also called in and asked when he's going to get a key to his apartment. Howard said he'd rather give him the key than let Sal in. Sal was comparing himself to some of Howard's friends but Howard told him he's got to stop with that. He said he has to stop thinking about him and his friends. Sal said it's over now and he won't do this anymore.
Howard asked Sal where he lives and why he can't just drive home. Sal lives on Long Island and he's supposed to be in the city late so he doesn't want to drive home. Sal wondered how far off from Dominic he is and why he can't be in the same position as a friend. Howard told Sal to walk out of the studio and never bring this stuff up again. Sal said that a father would never do that to a son. Howard and the guys told him that he's not his father. Sal said that he's looked up to Howard as a father figure but Howard doesn't want anything to do with that either. He booted Sal out of the studio and let Louis hang out in the office for a few seconds to let Sal get out of there. Howard asked Louis to write an article for his web site about what he hears from some of the other guys on the show. Gary asked Louis if Scott DePace is one of the other people asking about stuff like that. Howard said he's heard that Louis is getting married next week and he's trying to keep it quiet so he doesn't get the speech from him. Gary said that Louis seems to be living a pretty normal life for someone who works on the show. Howard had to go to break after that. He said he wasn't going to lecture Louis on the whole marriage thing.
Artie said that he doesn't think that this whole Sal thing is over yet. He's showing perfect ''stalker'' behavior and it's not over yet. Howard said that Louis invited just one staff member to his wedding and that person was Fred. Louis said that Jason is one of the people who's stalking Howard. Jason said that he is a big fan of the show and he's listened to it for a long time so he appreciates that he's on the show. Gary said that Jason appreciates when Howard uses something of Howard's on the air. Will and Louis said that Jason is a bit more obsessed with the show than they think though. Will said that Jason refused to go to college anywhere that Howard wasn't on. He also didn't want to go to Texas where his father had a job offer from but Howard wasn't on there so Jason didn't want to go. Howard said that Will used to write him letters as a kid as well so everyone is a fan. A phone caller told Howard that he should watch his back and hire someone to check his apartment before he goes home. Howard went to break after that.
Today's Mammary Lane was over around 10:35am.