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Howard started the show talking about how no one has ever added up the number of shows they've done. Robin said they do that with TV shows all the time. She said they've done this like 50 billion times.
Robin said it's good to see Howard. Howard said he had a relaxing week off. He said he was out videotaping the Vegas auditions for AGT. He said it was Vegas Week. Robin said she realized it was Vegas week while watching AGT. Howard said it's like a 15-16 hour day. He said they tell him it's just 30 days of work but then they pull this. He said he was going to call about the child labor laws. He said sometimes they do nothing.
Howard said he was in a room that was really cold and they forget about you for a couple of hours. He said he had a tantrum over it. Howard said they have 3 different departments that run the show and it's not that easy to put together. He said during the taping they have three departments. He said they have a reality show team that shoots him from way too low. He said they have a publicity team that books him for publicity. He said he showed up on time on Monday and did that and then he sat around for 6 hours doing nothing. He said his air conditioning was so loud he couldn't do anything. He said the different departments don't talk to each other. He said he was out there to work but he had to wait around. He said Howie told him there is a ton of waiting around but he was waiting around to do nothing. Howard said on Tuesday they watched the performances and that got interesting.
Howard said this looks cool. Ronnie said this is dark brown and not black. Robin said it looks great. Ronnie said he hasn't seen it yet. Howard had the Howard TV guys put it up on the screen. Howard said his other moustache took up too much real estate on his face. Fred said it looks good. He said he should go with the full black.
Howard said Mike gave him the Batman logo on his face. He works in the Bronx. Howard said his prices are reasonable. He charges 20 bucks to do that. Robin said he's a walking piece of art.
Howard said Mike once had a guy ask for a Swastika on his face but he turned it down. Howard said that would be like supporting a guy who wants to annihilate him. Howard thought he was black but Mike said he's Dominican. Ronnie said he didn't think that at all. He said he knew he wasn't black. Robin didn't think so either. Howard said he's like a black Hispanic guy. Robin said his hair is straight. Howard said whatever he is wouldn't go with the Nazi thing. Robin asked what would go with that. Howard said you'd need a white, Swedish guy to shave that into your head.
Howard read that Mike had done a graffiti thing for a guy that he shaved into his head. Mike said he wanted all kids of stuff shaved into his head. He said the guy was only 10 years old.
Howard read that the most requested thing to have carved into your head is the NY Yankees logo. Howard said Mike is 35 years old. He read about the girl he's dating. Howard asked if he could carve the first chapter of his book Private Parts into his head. Mike didn't sound like he was ready for that.
Howard said mike did a great job with the shave. He said he was going to be really mean and have Mike shave a cock and balls into his beard. Howard said he couldn't be that mean though. Howard said that Lisa G is really into this. Ronnie said she wanted to give him a good luck kiss before he had it done. Howard said she went out and bought a Yosemite Sam blow up doll this weekend. Howard said she spent the weekend pulling moustache hairs out of her throat. He said she wasn't able to get the smell of Mambo off of her either.
Howard said he and Ronnie were out in Vegas and Ronnie got all fucked up. He said it's so dry out there. He said it was 106 degrees out there. He said it's so hot. He said they were going to sit outside but he lasted about 30 seconds out there. Howard said they were out in the desert and man isn't supposed to live in the desert. He said he was so covered up out there too. Howard said he went out to the pool the one day he had with free time. Howard said Dina Meyer was out there. Howard said he was out in the sun for about 5 minutes. Ronnie said that Joe was coughing up blood because it's so dry out there. Howard said he felt like he had boogers in his nose but it wouldn't come out. Ronnie said that's the dust.
Howard said you drink so much water that you have to get up and pee like 7 times a night. Howard said Ronnie called it squirting and not peeing. Howard told Mike about the squirting thing so Ronnie asked if his girlfriend does that. Mike said she does. Howard asked if it's pee. Mike said it's not.
Howard said Ronnie looks great with that Batman logo. Will said he looks like less of an asshole than normal. Howard said he's a little jealous. He said he doesn't have a thick beard like that. Howard thanked Mike for the job. Howard had him give a plug for himself. Mike said he works at The Sharp Style at 1139 Teller Ave in the Bronx. He wrapped up and let mike go after that. They were going to put the pictures up on HowardStern.com
Howard said Ronnie is all about the sex talk since he brought up that squirting thing. Howard said he had an interview he did with Jon Leiberman where he answers some questions about sex. Howard said it's more vile than ever. Howard played the clip where Ronnie was talking about his favorite sex positions and things like that. He was talking about how you can get in deep when you do missionary position. Ronnie was also talking about how he wants to have a clear box at Rick's Cabaret so he can look up at the girls from below.
Howard said the other three have bonded and they do everything together. He said they go to dinner, lunch and to each other's homes. He said they go out drinking until 1 in the morning and things like that. He said it's like an on set romance. Howard said he sits there by himself. He said that the other three do their thing and then he does his. Howard said he considers himself way more professional. He said he doesn't do the social media thing like they do. Howard said they have a social media person there at AGT and the guy came up to him and said that he wasn't tweeting. Howard said he thought he was being professional but now it seems like he's not participating. He said he doesn't want to tweet. Robin said all of these live shows want to have that going on.
Howard said one night they were filming and they were in a judges deliberation and they were working on getting 160 acts down to 50. He said there are people who he thinks should get the chance to go further. Howard said they were sent into a bedroom to get their make up redone. Howard said they must have all been looking really bad. Howard said he was exhausted so he said ''I'm so god damn exhausted.'' Then Heidi suggested that they get in bed and act like their sleeping to take a photo for social media. Howard said she wanted to do it for her Twitter. Howard said he told her he's not doing anything for Twitter. Howard said he just wanted to go downstairs and finish. Heidi then came over with a curling iron and took pictures. He said one was worse than the next. Howard said he had this girl shoot from up above so it didn't look so bad. He said he hates doing that stuff though. He said he'd doing America's Got Talent and not Twitter. Robin said they should make it so you can only get this stuff on AGT and not on Twitter.
Howard said he's not comfortable with people. Robin said he hates small talk. Howard said he doesn't want to hear people's opinions. Robin said she knows Howard was sick of hearing Howie's opinion during that one act on AGT last week. Howard said it was so stupid. He said Howie was being Howie. He said he was going on for like an hour during that hot pepper act. Howard said he can't think that was a million dollar act. Robin said everyone had said no and Howie was arguing. Howard said those go on for hours. He said that's when he gets annoyed. Howard said he takes the judging very seriously.
Howard said the IRS did a shitty thing when they went after the Tea Party. Howard said that they're all crying about it now. Howard said this has happened to him before. He said the government went after him with the FCC when he was on terrestrial. Then they held up the merger with Sirius and XM. Howard said they delayed licensing for Infinity Broadcasting until they paid a fee to the FCC. Howard said that's not right. Howard said not one of these conservative or even the liberals came forward and said anything.
Howard said he has a clip of a woman laughing at his candidacy. Howard played that one and the reporter started laughing when another reporter read the story. Howard goofed on those two reporters who were in Orlando. Howard goofed on the fake voices they put on for the news and talked about how fucking retarded the woman is for not knowing who Jesse Ventura was. Howard said they're dummies. He said he loves that she's laughing at his candidacy. Howard did his impression of the guy and his phony news voice delivery.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Howard should tell Jesse that he's never going to disclose his finances or expose his children to that run. Howard said he has told Jesse that it's a long shot. He said it sounds exciting to run and it would kill him to say no. He said that he'd love to go around campaigning and doing the debates. Howard said he thinks that the two of them could get enough action to get on the ballots. Howard said he thinks they could get enough support to do that. Robin said that Howard is complaining about the work he has to do with AGT. The campaigning would be worse. Howard said he could do it on Skype from his house.
Howard said he's having too much fun with this right now so he's not telling Jesse yet. The caller said it would be great if he had Ronnie with this Batman goatee with him. Howard said the more he sees it the more he likes it. He said he looks 10 times better with that thing. Howard said the other moustache made him look old and tired. Howard said his face is perfect for it. Howard said Ronnie looks more handsome with that logo.
Howard said it's funny with Ronnie. He said they went out on the street and asked people about the Ronnie and Lisa G kiss. Howard said people were disgusted by Ronnie thinking he was with a young, hot chick. Howard played some of those interviews. People were saying it was all about money for the chick and she could find someone better. Howard said little did they know that she's the one who sits home and Ronnie is the one acting like a lunatic. One guy said that he looks old and like he can't get it up. One guy said that the chick didn't look like she had tits to play with either. Howard said the Batman logo makes Ronnie look about 10 years younger.
Howard said that Seth Rogen is coming in today. He said he saw his movie ''This is the End.'' He said Wendy Williams is coming in too. Howard said her show is kicking ass. He said he's not sure how she's doing that and everything else she's doing.
Bobo asked about a picture that Ralph took with Beth on the plane. Howard said he took that for Twitter. He said he's trying to Tweet but he doesn't think that much about it.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she watched AGT and she thinks that he's a multi-generational star. Howard said that these people who are watching him now don't know that he put out Butt Bongo Fiesta years ago.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who started singing the ''B double o T Y'' song that was on AGT last week. Robin said he had a great stage presence. Robin said the song sucked though. Howard said it gets stuck in your head though.
Jeff asked if they're having Willie Nelson in. Howard said he doesn't know. He asked Gary. Howard said he doesn't think he's on the schedule. Jeff said he's going to see him on Thursday. Jeff asked when he's coming in again. Howard said he doesn't know. Howard and Fred were goofing on Jeff because of the way he said ''Hunter Mountain'' when he mentioned where he was going to see Willie. They did that for a minute before moving on.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the country act on AGT was spectacular. He said that Howard was looking at the guy like he really loved him too. He asked what was going through his head. Howard said he thought he was going to suck but he was like that Susan Boyle chick. He said that he was able to sing and he turned an audience on. Howard said this is why that show is successful. He said that he's the kind of act they look for. Howard said the guy is so in love with his wife that he can become a super star and leave his wife. Howard said the guy had a beautiful story and he actually had talent. Howard said it was an incredible story. Howard let the caller go and said he had to take a break.
Howard came back and said he feels like he's at the Tony Awards. He said he'll play some clips later on. He said Wendy Williams is there. He said she has a talk show and a new book out. he said her show is doing really well and it's up 43 percent in the ratings. Howard said she walked in there with a special walk. He asked if she puts that on. Wendy said she doesn't.
Howard asked Wendy about losing weight and how she did that. Howard said that her success is coming later in life. Wendy said she's glad it did. She said it works for her that way. She said the success is good and she's not over spending or over friending either. She said that she hunkers down and doesn't go crazy. She said that's because she knows who she is.
Wendy said that her show was renewed until 2017. Howard asked if her contract ran out. Wendy didn't want to say. Howard said her show is in syndication and she has a big audience. She's mostly on FOX network. Howard asked why she's not getting Oprah money. Wendy said she's not Oprah. Howard said she should be getting good money. Wendy said she's getting good money. She said that she's in her fourth season of the show and it's taken her that long to get her wig line going. She said she's not starving and she's not homeless.
Howard said that they wanted to sign her up for 3 more years so she must be in the driver's seat. Wendy said she kind of is. Howard said that when you're in syndication you own your own program. He said he's wondering what she's earning. Wendy said she's doing just fine. Howard asked if she has a nice house. She said she lives a luxurious life. She said that the years of ''Negroidian'' expenditures are over. She said she's not doing the cars and bling any more. She said she's frugal and watches her money.
Howard asked why she needs a wig line. Wendy just laughed. Howard asked why she thinks she needs that. Wendy said that she wears wigs because she has thin hair from her thyroid disease. She said that it's time to get in bed with a company and get this thing going. Howard asked what he would see if she took her wig off. Robin thought she wasn't wearing a wig on Dancing with the Stars. Wendy said that was a wig. Robin sounded shocked. Howard said that she must want to feel the water in her hair when she goes swimming. Wendy said she can feel it with the wig on. Howard asked if she wears the wig at home. Wendy said she takes it off as soon as she gets home. Howard asked if her husband acts shocked when she does that. She said that he doesn't. She said that she has a relatively attractive face. She said her hair just isn't that great. Howard asked her to take the wig off for him. Wendy said she's not going to do that. Wendy said she puts her hair into a bun thing under the wig. She said that she has a rule where she takes the wig off for her son's friends after the third time they visit.
Howard said he thinks that her show is good because she's by herself. He said she doesn't need other people on with her. Wendy said she thinks that she has an advantage doing things the way she does. She said that they have moved the studio and changed things around. She said that they do 20 minutes of hot topics now. Howard said that's what he likes about her show.
Howard asked Wendy why she said that Beyonce speaks like she's in 5th grade. Wendy said that she could stand an elocution lesson or ten. Wendy said she's so talented and she should act like it. Wendy said it would be nice if she could speak a little better. Howard said she's saying that she's a complete fucking mess. Wendy said that's not what she's saying. She told Howard to watch it.
Howard said that Wendy mentioned that Jessica Biel's marriage won't last because she's boring. Wendy said that she just gets that from what she's seen. She said she's not sure that she is boring but that's the feeling she gets. She said that she doesn't know how long the marriage will last but maybe after the first child is born.
Howard said that Wendy also says that Kanye West is going to abandon Kim Kardashian 30 seconds after the baby is born. Wendy said when she came back in September she didn't want to take 3 months off again. She said she has to talk about this stuff. Wendy said she loves doing what she's doing right now. Howard said she could have taken the summer off but she's working this year. Wendy said she has a life outside of the show but not everyone gets to have their own talk show. She said that she loves doing it and she didn't want to have 3 months off. She said she has her down time and she loves that. Howard said he thinks that she enjoys working and she's not one of those people who worries about ratings and what other people think. Howard said if they don't love it then so be it.
Howard said he can't deal with things like Wendy can. He said that he's worried about ratings and things like that. Wendy said that ratings are very important but she can't hear about it. She said she can't think about things too much because she's afraid she'll lose it. Wendy said that some of the best shows ever have been canceled. She said it's very frustrating.
Howard said Wendy is almost 49 now. She said she'll be 49 in July. She said she feels 18. She said she has a very happy life. Howard asked if she's still with her husband/Manager. She said he's there with her today. She said they've been married for 15 years and he's been in her life for 19 years. Howard said he cheated on her while she was pregnant. Howard asked if he asks her to drop that and leave it alone already. Wendy said in her book (Ask Wendy) she is asked questions and she talks about that. She said that she draws on her own experiences. She said that she is the wife that stays and everyone's situation is different. Howard asked if she brings up the cheating thing when they fight. Wendy said that's not what you do. She said that she leaves it alone. She said that it's not something you keep bringing up.
Howard said that Wendy's parents used to monitor what she ate when she was growing up. Her brother was allowed to eat anything. Howard asked if she was angry with them. Wendy said that she was. She said that she still gets angry thinking about it but she has forgiven them. She said she's on good terms with her parents. She said she didn't hate them but she didn't give a damn what they had to say about her body. She said she still doesn't care about what they think.
Wendy said that her parents are retired and she gave them a new life. She said that this has given them a cue to go out. She said that her mother is all about Wendy Williams being her daughter. Wendy said she's glad that they lived long enough to see her swan song.
Howard asked if Wendy's mom is upset with her husband for cheating on her. Wendy said she's not about that. SHE said she never was. Howard said that they have to be fair to the husband because she took him off sex completely. Wendy said that she had a problem with her cervix so they had her on bed rest. She said that she had two miscarriages at 5 months and that was tough on both of them. Wendy said that her husband got horny and went out and met a chick. Howard asked if she knows who she was. Wendy said she wouldn't know her to see her but she was all in the business. Wendy said that you have to have that discussion and face it.
Howard said that Wendy had a marriage that lasted just 5 months. Wendy said that she didn't have the balls back then to say anything. She said that it should have lasted less than 5 months. Wendy said he just wasn't her cup of tea. She said that she didn't have kids or buy any homes with him. Howard said that happens in life. He said you do it to make people happy instead of doing it for yourself. Howard asked Wendy when she got laid for the first time. She said she was 17.
Howard said that Wendy and Lisa Lampanelli have something going on between them. Howard said that Lisa tweeted out something about Lena Dunham being her ''nigga'' and Wendy got upset with Lisa for using that word. Howard said that Lisa took it pretty hard when she got slammed. Wendy said that she and Lisa have always gotten along. She said just because she's a friend doesn't mean that she won't call you to the carpet. Wendy said that she's going to stick to what she said. Wendy said that she doesn't particularly care about the word being thrown around but when a white woman does it to another white woman then she gets upset. She said if Lisa is upset about it then ''Oh well.'' Howard said Lisa was telling him that Wendy brought it up the next day on her show too. Howard said that he had audio of what Lisa said on his show recently. Lisa was talking about how hurt she was about the whole thing. Lisa was saying that Wendy brought it up the next day. Lisa was upset that she was saying that she shouldn't be surprised if someone slaps her face using that word again.
Wendy said she has no problem with Lisa other than that one thing. She said that white people can't just throw that word around. She said that with her it's one thing but someone may slap her in the face if she uses it one too many times. Howard asked if a Dominican can use that word. Wendy said she would prefer that no one uses it.
Howard said that Wendy had a problem with Adam Carolla too. Howard asked her how Adam disrespected her audience. Wendy said she can't recall the exact circumstance. Wendy was distracted by the bust of Beetlejuice they have in the studio. Howard said he used to sell those things. Wendy got back to Adam and said there was a misunderstanding and she ended up apologizing to him over the whole thing.
Howard gave Wendy a plug for her book ''Ask Wendy'' and for her web site WendyShow.com. Howard said she's doing a play this summer too. Wendy said she's doing Chicago. She said she'll be singing two songs in the play. She said that she didn't even have to audition. She said that she's playing a role that has been played by a lot of different people. She said that Sofia Vergara and Queen Latifa have played the role. Wendy said that the part is going to last 7 weeks.
Howard asked Wendy about something she said in her book about not caring about a man's money as long as his penis is right. Wendy said that it's not about size, it's about the turtle neck. She said that she had an experience many years ago when she was in college and she said she would never visit that again. Howard asked if it was about the smegma. She said it was that and the whole thing. Howard asked how it went down and if she was blowing him at the time. Wendy said it was the works. She said it looked like a Snuffalufagus to her. She said she didn't want to get into detail. She said it was just disgusting. Wendy said if you don't like what you feel or see from the start then don't continue. Howard asked why she went through with it back then. Wendy said she was young and didn't know any better. Wendy said that she had one woman in her book asking about her husband's too-small penis and she asked why she ever went out with the guy on a second date.
Howard said that Wendy got an exclusive interview with Charlie Sheen. Wendy said she was a big fan of his and her management company works with Charlie. She said that's how they got together and he's been back a couple of times. She said that he's handling his business as far as she can tell.
Howard said that Wendy took Joan Rivers side in the feud she had with Chelsea Handler. Wendy said she is a big fan of Joan's. She said she has a photo with Oprah in her house that she took many years ago. She said that she has one of her with Howard too. Wendy said that there are two people she has respect for and one of them is Howard. Wendy said that you don't have to kiss anyone's ass but with Joan she took her side. She said that she had to do that. Wendy said that Joan just turned 80.
Wendy told Howard that his teeth look good and he's great on AGT. Robin said she noticed that on TV the other night too. Wendy said he looks really good. She asked if he gets Botox. Howard told her that his hair is all natural too. Wendy said she knows that. Howard said he doesn't have any extensions either.
Wendy asked how much longer Howard is going to work. Howard said he's not sure. He said he keeps talking about stopping. He said he's never bored though so he doesn't know why he wouldn't stop.
Wendy asked if Howard is still taking pictures. Howard said he is. He said he'd like to photograph her without a wig on. Howard said he doesn't think she'd like his penis size if he was with her. Wendy said she's not about the size. She said she knows that he's not that big being Jewish and all. Howard said that he isn't thick or long. She said as long as he doesn't have that turtle neck she's fine.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that he likes Wendy. He said he freeze frames her and jerks off to her. Wendy gave that an ''Eww.'' King said that her husband is a real man. He said that he'll tell her to shut the fuck up and things like that. Howard asked if that's true. Wendy said that is true to a point. She said that he makes her feel like a woman.
Howard gave Wendy some more plugs and asked her about doing drugs. Wendy said she used to do coke. She said that she has smoked crack too. She said that she was spending about $35 a gram back when she was doing it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this N-word thing is thrown around a lot. He said he wouldn't use it himself but Lisa was ding it to be funny. Wendy said that she didn't like the context it was used in. She said she's sticking with what she said about her. Howard wrapped up with her a short time later. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Seth Rogen is there to promote his new movie ''This is the End.'' Howard said the movie is a really original idea. Howard said that it's a fun movie. Howard said Seth plays himself in the movie and he gets high all the time in the movie just like the real Seth. Howard said that he saw a clip of him rolling a cross joint. Howard said that you'd think Sony would tell them to cut back on something like that. Seth said they made a clip of how to do that and Sony wouldn't put it out so he had to create a Facebook page himself to get it out there. Seth said that's just a gimmick kind of thing but he's really good at making one.
Howard said Seth smokes a lot and he'd bet that he's high now. Seth said he is a little bit. Howard said he did Letterman and didn't smoke for that interview. Seth said that Dave asked him a lot of weed questions and he got really deep into it with him.
Howard said Seth has had a big career and he still talks about smoking weed. He said that they tell him not to talk about it that much but he keeps doing it. Howard said that he finds it refreshing that he's able to talk openly about it and keep doing it. He said that's one taboo in Hollywood.
Seth said that he thinks that they blame weed smoking on getting into harder drugs but he thinks that people who are going to do heroin are going to do it no matter what.
Howard talked to Seth about what Michel Douglas said about getting throat cancer. Howard said that most women who have this HPV thing will get pussy cancer too. He said that he believes Michael Douglas. He asked Seth if he can write a movie with him. Howard said he thinks that you can get throat cancer that way. Robin said you certainly can but Douglas was the first one to say it. Seth said he took one for the team.
Howard asked if Seth saw the Liberace movie. Seth said he's halfway through it. Howard said he hates it. He said that his mother didn't like it either. Howard said that he felt it was a hatchet job on Liberace. Robin said it was Boober's side of the story. Howard said he painted him to be an awful person and he comes across looking like a vampire. Howard said that the acting performances were great but the movie was shit. Robin said that the one thing you can hang your hat on is to look at Scott Thorson and see that he looks like Liberace today. Howard said the movie didn't make much sense and you don't learn anything. Seth and Howard said there was no back story there. They didn't get into why they wanted him to look like Liberace.
Howard said Seth did that movie with Barbara Streisand. He said that he read that he got super close to her. Seth said they were in a car together for like 12 hours a day for months and moths. He said she has great stories. He said that she told him about smoking weed with Peter Sellers. Seth said that he would ask her if she had met famous people that he would think of.
Howard said he read that Barbara's son got jealous of Seth because he was hanging out with her so much. He read that in the National Enquirer. Howard read that she didn't want to shoot more than 45 minutes from her Malibu home. Seth said that is true. He confirmed that she didn't want to get to work earlier than 8:30 in the morning. Howard said Seth shot this new movie in New Orleans. Seth said they digitally added stuff from Hollywood in the movie because it was so much cheaper to shoot in New Orleans. Seth said they can make a $45 million movie down there for like $31 million. Howard wondered why they don't offer that tax break in California. Seth said they must be assholes.
Howard said that Seth directed the movie and they did it like improv so that must take a long time. Seth said it wasn't that long. He said the stunt stuff takes a long time to shoot. Howard said the movie is sort of like a comedy stoner movie but then it breaks into a big budget action film. Howard asked how he knew how to do all of that stuff. Seth said you don't have to know how to do it but you have to plan it all out. He said you have to story board it and then do the visual effects. He said it takes a long time.
Howard asked Seth if they wrote everything or just left the page blank. Seth said they had to write every scene just in case they weren't able to come up with anything funny that day. He said they had to do that for Sony.
Howard asked if they wrote lines for Rihanna. Seth said that they did write some stuff for her. He said that they got pretty much everyone they wanted to come in too. Gary said he heard they wanted Harry Potter but he wasn't up for it. Seth said they did meet with Daniel Radcliff and they wrote a part for him. He said that they wanted him to play the part of a soccer player who liked to head butt people all the time.
Howard said they had a lot of shit jokes in the movie but they cut them out. Seth said sometimes it can be too much. He said that they will go with pee jokes. Howard said that Seth drinks his own pee at one point in the movie and it's crazy. Howard said one of the guys was drinking his own piss out of a bottle and Seth ended up just pissing into his mouth. Seth said that wasn't improv'd. He said that they used a squeeze ketchup bottle to make it look like he was pissing.
Howard asked Seth if there's a lot of pressure making the movie. Seth said making it is a lot of fun. He said as long as you're on schedule it's fun. He said the stuff before and after making it is the bullshit.
Howard asked Seth what's up with Jonah Hill. He was supposed to be there today but he put out a statement saying that he's a serious actor and he's not going to make fun of himself anymore. Seth said he thinks they caught him on a bad day. He said that he just did promotion the other day together. Seth said that Jonah warned him that he was going to read some strange things he said. Seth said Jonah is out in Los Angeles doing promotion for the film.
Howard asked Seth about James Franco and how he's in love with him in the movie. Seth said that was James' idea and he even painted the paintings that they had in his house in the movie. He said that it played out similar to the way the whole idea came about before the movie.
Howard asked Seth if he smokes when he's writing his movies. Seth said they do. Howard said he's not good at rolling joints but Seth does this Cross Joint thing. Seth said he was stoned off his face when he made the video they put out. Howard asked if he wants to smoke more pot when they tell him not to put this stuff out. Seth said they don't care there at Sony. He said they have never called and told him to stop. He said they did get kicked off the Sony lot for smoking pot though. He said they were editing the movie. He said they were below Will Smith's office and they had to leave. He said they got a call from human resources telling them they had to go. He said that they're not sure that Will called them but someone from his office probably did.
Howard asked if he was high when he was filming. Seth said it's hard to direct when you're high so he would stop.
Howard asked Seth about this next movie he's filming. Seth told Howard about what they're doing with Ryan Seacrest and James Franco. He said they get an interview with Kim Jong Un and they are asked by the CIA to assassinate him during the interview. He said that this was done before the whole Dennis Rodman thing came about.
Howard said that Seth was critical of Zach Braff of going on Kickstarter to raise money. Seth said Howard was too. Seth said Zach could have raised that 2 million without going to Kickstarter. He said if you've exercised every option then it's understandable but he doesn't think that he did. Howard said some people would say that Seth is above that because he's gotten money to do these films. Seth said it was very hard to get the funding for ''This is the End.'' He said Sony was the only company that would do it. Howard said he must hope that it makes a lot of money for them. Seth said that's what Pineapple Express did.
Seth said that if Sony hadn't picked up the movie then maybe they would have done the crowd sourcing thing. Howard said Zach is trying to do this movie thing now. Seth said that he's not sure how he's going to get the movie out there after it's made. He said that just because they make it doesn't mean it will come out. Howard said he saw Zach on Saturday night and he's actually shooting this thing. Seth said that still doesn't mean he'll ever see it.
Robin said Cheech and Chong movies made money. Seth said they didn't make that much though. Robin said they probably didn't cost much to make though. Seth said she's probably right about that.
Howard said he didn't know that he co-wrote the movie ''The Watch.'' Seth said that he didn't either. Howard said he saw this tape on the internet where Seth was doing stand up comedy. He said he was 13 years old. Howard said he's a bit of a phenom. Seth said he was but now he's just a guy. Howard asked Seth how many movies he's been responsible for. Seth said it's probably 8 or so. He said it's pretty awesome. Howard said he's right up there with the guys getting shit done. Howard said he's getting wasted every morning too.
Howard asked how much weed he smoked this morning. Seth said he had like one hit. He said he wanted to be relaxed and loose for Howard. Howard said he wishes he could smoke with him. He said he gets too paranoid though. Seth said it might be the wrong weed he's smoking. Howard asked what he would suggest for him. Seth suggested a heavy cush for him. Howard said he loves that comradery and he'd love to be able to do it. He asked Seth if he does both types. Seth said he does.
Howard asked Seth about the movie Townies and how Seth said that he couldn't believe that he was the same species as Zac Efron. Seth said that he's like a freak of nature. Howard said he likes that Seth doesn't care about wearing make up or anything in this new movie. He said that he doesn't put a lot of effort into his look and that's what's charming about him. Seth said that he tried that when he shot The Green Hornet. Howard said he has put on a good 30 pounds since then. Seth said that he likes to eat. He said Zac wasn't able to eat. He said that he probably shits like once a week or something. Seth said he shits like 6 times a day himself.
Howard asked Seth about what shit scenes they cut from the movie. Seth said that they shot a scene where he was eating shit and the whole crew was disgusted by it. He said that they all figured no one wanted to see that. Howard said he saw that chick eating shit in Pink Flamingos. He said that he saw that when he was in college and he was freaked out by it.
Howard said that Emma Watson is a good looking girl. He said she grew up hot. Seth said that you could tell that she was going to be hot even in the first Harry Potter movie. Howard asked if Franco banged her at all. Seth said he didn't see that on the set.
Howard said that Jonah gets raped by a demon at one point in the movie. Howard said he gets anal. Seth said they had him get fucked missionary style. Howard said he thinks that a lot of people will be high when they see this movie. Howard asked if they hope that kids sneak in to see the movie. Seth said you can see an R-rated movie pretty easy. He said you can buy your tickets online and get in. He said they won't check your ID at the movie theater.
Howard said he used to get carded at the movie theaters as a kid. He said that he would try to sneak in but he'd get carded while his other friends would get in. Howard said he had to hear about the movie later and jerk off to the story they would tell him.
Howard asked Seth about what movie they're up against this weekend. Seth said they're up against the Man of Steel. Seth said that they can still do well against a movie like that. Seth said that not everyone will go see the Superman movie. Seth said there hasn't been a good R-rated movie out in a while. Howard said he's glad this is rated R. He asked if they almost got the X rating. Seth said they didn't. He said you can see the monster's dick when Jonah is getting raped and they were worried that the MPAA wouldn't like that. He said they read about how Team America made their sex scenes really dirty so they could cut back on it a little bit. Seth said they were adding texture and veins to the penis and the MPAA approved it anyway. He said that it was a monster dick so that's what their excuse was.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he called in earlier about the N-word when Wendy was in. He asked Seth what he thinks about the use of the word. Seth said if it's funny it's okay. He said that anything is okay if it's funny.
Howard asked Seth if he has used the N-word on stage. Seth said he hasn't thought of a joke that he could use that in. Howard asked if he misses doing stand up. Seth said he hasn't done it in like 5 years and he does miss it. Howard said that most stand ups want to get into film. Seth is there.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked how old he was when he started smoking. Howard told Seth this is what he's going to sound like in 10 years. Jeff asked again how old he was when he started. Seth said he was probably 13. Jeff said that's when he started. He's 47 now. Howard said he looks like he's 67. They put up a picture of him for Seth to see. Seth said Jeff looks nice.
Howard asked Seth if he can smoke around his parents. Seth said that's the one thing he can't do. He said he can smoke around them but not in front of them. Howard asked if they lecture him about smoking. Seth said his dad brought it up a while back and asked if he had to talk about it all the time. Seth said that people ask him about it so that's why he talks about it.
Howard and Seth talked about doing late night shows and how much Howard likes Jimmy Kimmel. Howard said he'd like to do his show but he's out in Los Angeles. Howard said he hangs out with Jimmy a lot. Howard said that he has a treadmill desk and he walks while he writes. Howard said he's no fun to eat with anymore. He said he's like Zac Efron the way he eats.
Howard asked Seth if he ever smokes 5 or 6 joints in a day. Seth said if he's having a big day he would. Howard said he should eat brownies with pot in them. Seth said those things can really fuck you up. He said that you don't know how strong it is when it's in food. He said he's had some bad experiences that way. Seth said that he had a weed lollipop at he Golden Globes a few years ago and it fucked him up. Howard said he used to do hash oil and that would fuck him up. Seth said he had to leave the Golden Globes because he was so fucked up.
Howard said he has a million questions but they're running late. Seth said he didn't have to be anywhere until 10. Howard said he didn't want to hold him up too long. Howard told Seth not to use the N-word when he does his BET interview today. Seth said he does this thing around musicians that's really embarrassing. He said he'll start to hum or sing the musician's song. He said that it's silly and he'll just do it. He said he's found himself humming songs in front of these people. He said now he's going to have to tell himself not to say the N-word at BET. Robin said they'll read about that tomorrow in the news.
Howard gave Seth some more plugs and said that the movie is opening this Wednesday. Seth said he thinks that it's opening up Tuesday night actually. Howard asked why they do that. Seth said he doesn't know.
Howard said that he doesn't like that they keep telling the same story in the Superman movies. Howard said they tell the General Zod story every time. Seth said it's the same fucking shit every time. Howard said they should move on to a different criminal. Seth said that the problem is that the only guy who can go up against him is another Superman. Howard said fuck Superman movies if they keep telling the same story over and over. He said they should have him get raped by a demon with a huge cock. Howard and Seth spent a couple more minutes talking about that. Howard said he will see Superman eventually. Seth asked him to buy a ticket to his movie first. Howard said he'd do that.
Howard said it would be great if Superman got throat cancer from eating out Lois Lane. Seth said that would have to be Kryptonian Papaloma Virus. Howard said Seth is going to have to get high before he goes to BET. Howard said he had to watch his movie ''This is the End'' on his little iPad. Howard said Sony sent him a copy on an iPad. He said that it said ''Charlie Rose'' on the back of it. He said that guy was watching it too. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard said he didn't get to see anything in Vegas. He said he had one night to go out to dinner. He said he saw his two brother-in-laws and their wives. Howard said he played blackjack and he got wiped out in no time. Howard said that the dealer should have to show you what card they have underneath. Howard said they don't show you so there's no way to win. He said he knows how to play the game but he still loses. He said that he'd hit a 20 and she'd hit a 21. He said you just can't win.
Howard said that people watched him on AGT and thought that they had the wrong show. He said they thought they had Nosferatu... or Noseferatu. Howard said he saw a story about a guy who lost his nose after going in for minor surgery.
Howard said he told Gary to clear the schedule this week because he has so much stuff to get to. He brought up the Tony awards and Neil Patrick Harris singing the opening song. Howard wondered how he remembers all of that stuff.
Howard said they ask them to cut promos for other countries for the shows like AGT. He said that they give you like one line to remember and he can't even do that. He said he noticed that they didn't ask him to do the promos for the Arab countries. He said they had Heidi do those promos.
Howard had some audio of Neil Patrick Harris from the Tony Awards singing the opening of the show. Howard wondered how Neil remembers all of that shit. Howard said he hates Broadway and a basketball game was on that night but he found himself watching the Tony's. He said he switched over to Game of Thrones at 9 though.
Howard played more clips from the Tony Awards and got some laughs out of how ridiculous the songs are. Howard said he was happy that Cyndi Lauper won but he was expecting some good songs. He said that she's into that Broadway play kind of music for the play Kinky Boots. Howard said he could write that music for that show. He said he really does want to do a Howard Stern Show musical. He said he's just lazy though. Fred played some music and Howard started singing a song that JD would sing. He had him singing about what he does there and about his trying to date Ashley Dupre.
Howard told Robin to give him a subject to sing about. Robin told him to sing about Michael Douglas and his throat cancer. Howard immediately came up with a song where he sang about HPV and the throat cancer. Robin asked how Ronnie hasn't gotten anything. She said that he drinks everything from down there.
Howard asked Ronnie for an update on his Batman moustache. Howard said it looks 10 times better. Ronnie said that everyone likes it. They say it looks neat. Howard said his old one used to drag him down. Ronnie said Seth Rogen's guys all got a kick out of it. He said Seth knew what it was. Ronnie said Seth's guys noticed it more than Seth did. He said Seth thought it was cool though.
Howard said Ronnie sounds like he has a cold. Ronnie said it's his sinuses from Vegas. He said he has been there when it was 118 and it didn't do that to him. Howard said his lips were really dry and he had to drink so much he had to pee like 7 times at night. Ronnie said that Wendy Williams husband thought it was cool. He said that he liked it better than the stand up picture they have in the hall there.
Howard said he thinks that his girlfriend is going to love it. Ronnie said he may shave it off tonight. Howard told him to keep it for a few days. Ronnie said he feels weird. Ronnie said the dark color is what's bothering him. Robin said it looks so much better. Ronnie said she's probably laughing to herself about it.
Howard asked Gary what that guy charged them for the moustache. Gary didn't answer. Howard said it was probably their whole budget for the week. Howard was told it was 40 bucks. Howard said it was wroth it. Howard read a live commercial and then went to break.
Robin said that NBC has a crazy way of promoting things. She said they were promoting going to Vegas by watching the Miss USA pageant. Howard said that's crazy. Howard said that it's horrible to watch any kind of woman in front of your dad. Howard said you wonder if the guy has a hard on in front of you. He said he doesn't want to see that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw him out in Las Vegas in the elevator. Howard said there was a jewelry convention going on out there. He thinks he remembered this guy. Howard said he ran into Adam Levine out there in Vegas. He said Maroon 5 was doing a show out there for those people. Howard said that he was thinking they got paid like a million bucks to do that.
Howard said he was out at the pool taking his shirt off and some fat bitch was taking his picture with her iPhone. Howard said he called her out on it and Beth got upset with him. Howard said that Beth looks great because she made money modeling. Howard said it's no big deal for her to go in a bathing suit but he hasn't worked out in a couple of months. The caller said his wife wanted to take a picture with Howard and he refused. Howard said he normally doesn't do that but when he's in a rush he doesn't take pictures. Howard said he was trying to be friendly in the elevator but then people want something from you. Howard said he could have taken the picture in the elevator but they waited until he was on his way to work.
Howard said he ended up getting into the pool backwards with a hat on. He said that hot chick Dina Meyer was watching him with his titties and hairy chest. He said she must have thought he was a mess.
Howard said that Beth told him to cover up so that woman couldn't take pictures of him. He said he put the towel on and he covered up like a chick. He said he knows that he'll end up in some magazine looking all fat. Howard said he can see the caption about how he grew man tits over the summer. Howard said they might say they think Robin had the big tits on the show.
Robin got to her news and said that Paris Jackson tried to commit suicide. Robin said she took a knife and cut herself and there are stories going around about that. Robin said they say that this is just a cry for attention. Howard said he heard it was a machete that she took to herself. Howard said that's a big cry for attention. Howard said you feel bad for the kid. Robin said she was listening to Kurt Cobain music and wanted to go to a Marilyn Manson concert but no one could get her passes. Robin said that they say she's been suffering from depression for a while. Robin said she heard she was saying that she wants to live but not there. Robin said they say that she's one of these kids who has never heard the word ''no.'' Robin said the kid has a lot of pressure on her with everything going on in her life. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a cop who got a kidney transplant from an anonymous donor. Robin said that he got the transplant on Thursday. Robin said that someone stepped up and volunteered.
Robin said that a Hollywood actress was found to be linked to the Ricin letters that were sent to Washington. Robin said she was charged with sending them to President Obama and Mayor Bloomberg. Robin said that this woman claims that her husband made her do this. Howard said the whole fucking world is nuts. Robin said some guy at the U.S. Open jumped on to the court with a flare. Robin said this crazy stuff is going on all over the place.
Howard said that the Baba Booey mentions are all over the golf games. He thought they had some new ones but Jason said no according to Gary. Howard said he did have a clip of someone yelling out Baba Booey on the news. He played that clip where someone yelled out the Baba Booey thing during a live newscast. The guy yelled out that Baba Booey loves vinyl and started to say something about Joey Boots before they cut him off.
Robin said that the plastic bags for your chips are dangerous for animals. Howard said it's the same for balloons. Robin said they had to rescue a deer with a Doritos bag on its head. Robin said that the bag got stuck on the deer's head. Howard said he would never see that since he's never in the wild. Robin said the deer remained calm until the bag was removed. Robin said it's unlikely that the bag was put on the deer intentionally.
Howard said he likes this girl who is suing United Airlines over some guy masturbating for 6 hours while she was sitting next to her. Howard said he can't imagine who was sitting next to her other than Sting. Howard said that the airline must not have seen it going on. Howard said you don't necessarily see that going on. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard said he still sounds like a young guy on radio. He said that's one good thing about radio. He said some guys do sound old. Howard said Ralph Howard had that voice. He sounded old and distinguished. Howard said they're getting a new guy but he loved that voice Ralph had. Howard said he told Ralph not to retire. He said he thinks that Ralph went to visit his kids or something after he retired.
Robin got back to her news and asked what life must be like for the guy who played Chewbacca. Robin said that Peter Mayhew is 7'2'' tall and he walks with a light saber cane. Robin said he was stopped at the airport so they could examine his cane at the airport. Robin said they took it away for a little while because they thought it was suspicious. Howard said he might as well wear the whole costume instead of just carrying the cane. He said things must be bad for him if he has to carry a light saber cane around.
Howard said he has to get that Amanda Bynes chick on the show. He said she tweets out a lot of crazy shit. He said that he's afraid to call her names because he calls people ugly. He said that she just calls them ugly immediately. Robin said she always takes it back though.
Robin said that long time producer Nigel Lithgow was fired from American Idol. Howard said he should have hired him. Robin said that Nigel says that FOX wanted new leadership over there so he's leaving. Howard said that he loves people who think that TV is like family. He said they throw you out of a show without a second thought.
Robin asked Howard if he thinks that The Sopranos was the best written show of all time. Howard said Breaking Bad is pretty well written. So is Dexter. Howard said The Sopranos was fucking brilliant. He said The Honeymooners was great. He said he doesn't understand that Game of Thrones. He said he's glad they killed off those two characters. Robin said that whole Stark family is too dumb to be on that show. Howard said that Khaleesi should be able to kill everyone with those dragons.
Howard said the great show right now is Falling Skies. He said he got the first 5 episodes of the new season and it's great. Robin asked about Battlestar Galactica. Howard said no. He said he wants the whole season of Falling Skies. He told Gary to make that happen.
Robin said the movie ''Now You See Me'' is great. She said that Howard will love you. She said it's edge of the seat kind of stuff. Howard said he doesn't think he'd like that. Robin said he would. She said she loved it and everyone should go see it. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to the best written TV show and told Howard some of the other shows that were in the running. Robin said Seinfeld, the Twilight Zone, All in the Family and MASH were all in there too. Robin said Mad Men was the only show on the list that's still running. Howard talked about how James Gandolfini had to get off of that show to do other things and now he's doing nothing. Gary said he was in a movie last year that was actually pretty good. He said it was called ''Not Fade Away.''
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Mad Dog Russo impression. Howard cut him off after just a few seconds.
Robin read story about David Crosby who would like to go out and tour but he's saying that he'd be lucky if he has another 10 years to live. Robin said that he has talked about his health and how many issues he has.
Robin read about a man dying on a Boy Scout outing. Robin said that they were in Nevada in 110 degree weather when a 69 year old man suffered from heat stroke. Robin said another man was suffering from it and had to be flow out.
Robin said Nelson Mandella has a lung infection so he's in the hospital. Howard said he thought he had the same problem that Michael Douglas had from eating bad pussy. Robin said they say his condition is serious. He's 94 years old.
Robin said that people are upset that the government is spying on us. Howard said he's glad. He said he's not doing anything wrong so he's not worried about it. Howard said he likes that people think they're so important that the government is listening to them. Howard said no one cares. Robin said that if it was a few days after 9/11 then people wouldn't be so upset.
Robin read about the Apple World Wide Developer Conference that's coming up this week. Howard said he heard they have a new operating system for the iPhone and iPad. Robin said people are saying that they're not that impressed with the new OS. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read about kids going to camp and the things they could pick up there. She had some audio of a guy talking about head lice and other things they could pick up. Howard said he did a photo shoot with Beth and he was covered up from head to toe but his one hand got burned really bad. He said he's not sure how it even happened.
Robin read about a new movie called The Purge that made 36.4 million at the box office this weekend. Robin said that Simon Cowell got egged on The X-Factor this week. Howard said that was weird. Robin said they're not going to file any charges against the contestant who threw the egg. They wrapped up and ended the show around 10:35am.
Jon asked Jason what he thought of Ronnie's moustache and if he thinks that Ronnie's beard was black. Jason said it is very close to black. He said it might be a step down from jet black. He said that Ronnie didn't seem so happy this morning about the whole thing. He said that he had another carton character moustache on his face so it's not that big of a leap to this one. He said that he had Yosemite Sam's moustache and now he has Batman.
Jason said his dad has had a beard or a moustache his whole life and he'd never want to see him without. He said that he doesn't want Ronnie to shave his whole face either.
Jason asked Jon if he would grow a moustache. Jon said he might do that for the right price. Jason said he'd throw in 20 bucks. They went to break a short time later.
Jason said he has smoke a cross joint but it's really just a gimmick. He said you don't get super high or anything. He said it's just annoying to smoke and put that much work into it. He said he'll never do it again.
Jon said that Seth was talking about the demands that Barbra Streisand had for doing that movie with him. Seth was talking about her demands openly. Jason said that's why he's such a great guest on the show.
Jon asked Gary what he thought about what Seth had to say about Zach Braff. Gary said that Zach didn't do anything wrong with that Kickstarter thing. Jason said he's not sure why Kristen Bell didn't get picked on about the whole thing. Jason said that they were all turned down and they went to the fans and got the money they were trying to get to make their movies.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why Howard has to turn every interview into a psychiatric evaluation. He said he did that with both Seth and Wendy. Gary said that asking a 31 year old why he smokes pot isn't that crazy. He said that Seth smokes pot at 31 because it's fun. Jason said that it's a culture. He said that when he saw Pineapple Express it spoke to him in a way. He said that he thought it was cool to see him up on screen doing that stuff in a funny way. Gary said there are some people who cant function on that stuff but Seth seems to be able to do it just fine.
Jon asked Ronnie how he's holding up over there. Ronnie said he heard them earlier. He said he heard the bullshit earlier. He said this thing looks so fucking stupid because of the color. He said he's going to shave it off. Ronnie said it stands out too much. Ronnie insists that it's dark brown and not black. Jon asked what the difference is. Ronnie said there isn't much difference. He said he didn't think it would be that dark. He said Stephanie shot it for Howard TV last night and it's very dark. He was shocked at how dark it was.
Jon said of course Ronnie likes the attention. Ronnie said he doesn't like it. He said people on the street look at him like he's stupid. He said some people think it's really cool though. Gary said he doesn't think anyone would notice if it wasn't so dark. Jon asked if it's insulting that they like it better than what he had before. Ronnie said it is insulting. He said he's going to grow it back like it used to be.
Jason said he doesn't think he's seen Ronnie without a moustache. Ronnie said he shaved it right before they came to Sirius. Gary said he thought Howard didn't want Ronnie looking like that in Vegas. Ronnie said he actually did. He said he felt weir about the whole thing. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Jon said he hopes that the Howard Stern Show musical comes along eventually. Gary said he's not looking forward to putting on a monkey suit again. He said he's done it two times already.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Ronnie should get a cape and a utility belt to hang donuts off of. No one got the donut joke.
Jon took another call from a guy who asked if they heard about that Adam Carolla controversy on Wendy Williams. He didn't wear a suit on the show and she got upset about that and bad mouthed him. Then she bad mouthed him. She eventually apologized to Adam and sent him flowers. Steve Brandano said that she did an after show thing and talked about the suit thing and how that was disrespectful to her audience.
The guys were also talking about the N-word discussion Wendy had with Howard today. Jason said there shouldn't be a grey area with that word. He said that's what it seems to be with Wendy.
Jon asked Ronnie what it was like out in Las Vegas. Ronnie said they didn't get outside much out there. He said they spent a lot of time inside doing the AGT thing.
Jon asked Ronnie what his take was on Howard not being invited out with Howie, Mel B and Heidi. Ronnie said that Howard makes it pretty clear that he doesn't want to be bothered during the breaks. Jason said the other people are doing this as a main job and they have it down. He said Howard is doing this as a second job so it's tough on him. They had to wrap up the Wrap Up Show a short time later. They were done at 11:15am.
Howard started the show talking about the TV show discussion they were having before the show. He said he got a screener of a show called ''Under the Dome'' that's based on a Stephen King book. Howard said the premise is that a town has been enclosed by a dome and the show is good. He said the dome doesn't let you out or in. He said anything in the way of the dome when it comes down is cut in half. Robin asked why it is that we like scary and torturous premises like that. Howard said it's not that scary.
Richard Christy said he read the book and it was 1100 pages. He said he reads on the subway on the way to work. Howard asked why he doesn't listen on an iPhone or something. Richard said that he'd rather not get it stolen. He said he knows JD had his iPod stolen. Richard said the book is like a weapon being so big. Howard said anything in a book no one is going to bother you.
Robin asked if the show is starting soon. Howard said he's not sure. He said he just saw the first episode. He said Falling Skies is good too. He said he's seen the first 5 episodes. Howard he was sent a list of what's on this week on America's Got Talent but he can't remember any of it. He said that's on tonight.
Howard said he has a lot of guests coming in today. He said Russell Brand is coming in and Ozzy Osbourne is coming in with Geezer Butler. Howard said he heard this new Black Sabbath album is great. He said he heard that Rick Rubin made the guys listen to their first album to get them all charged up. Fred said they recorded their first album in 2 days. He said their second album took 5 days.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the Johnny Cash song ''Burning Ring of Fire'' is about an STD. Howard said it is not. He said June Carter Cash wrote it about Johnny's addiction. He said that it wasn't anything to do with an STD. Howard played some of the song.
Robin said she was trying to find that Jewel movie where she plays June Carter Cash. She said she wasn't able to find it. Howard said she was really good in it. He said she writes that song in the movie. Howard said that caller's interpretation of the song was good.
Howard said Rihanna has a song out called ''We Found Love'' and the song is about him. Howard asked how old the song is. Gary said it's about a year old. Howard played the song and you hear her say something that sounds like ''Howard Stern is side by side...'' Robin had to hear it again. That's what it sounded like but she was saying something else. Howard asked what it is that she was saying. Gary said she says ''We're all standing side by side.'' Howard didn't get the first line of the song either. Howard had to play it again and figured it was ''Yellow diamonds in the light.''
Howard said there's a beauty pageant called Miss World and they're not going to let the women wear bikinis because one country won't allow it. Donald Trump was talking about that in an interview and he said that he will never not have his contestants wear bikinis. Howard said it is pretty crazy that they won't let a woman wear a bikini. Robin said that in Dubai you can get arrested for kissing on the beach. Robin said people still go there because of the nice hotels. Howard said he wouldn't go there for 5 fucking minutes. He said there's no way he would go to Dubai for any reason. Howard said you have to be nuts.
Howard said if he gets any fatter he should move there. He said he should cover up. He said he was trying on some new clothes yesterday and they have the live America's Got Talent coming up soon. He said he was at John Varvatos trying on some new stuff and he can't wear some stuff because his belly fat and titties are showing. He said he has to lose another 7 pounds or so. He said he's hitting the gym and trying to tighten up. Howard said his titties and belly started to sag so he's working on that.
Howard said he's starving himself and he must be on the right track because he almost passes out. Robin said that sounds very healthy. Howard said it does, right?
Howard played a new phony phone call the boys made to a Tradio show trivia game. They had clips of a bunch of people including Ronnie the Limo Driver, Dave Lampert, Evil Dave, George Takei, Robin Quivers and more. They had them throwing out answers that weren't even close. The question was about what line Rodney Dangerfield made famous.
Howard said he got so many emails about Maria Menounos' laugh. He said he can't even do the impression of it. Howard said he has the gun scene from ''Scar Face'' where the guys used her laugh as the gun. Howard replayed it for those who liked it. Howard said that's a good one.
Howard said he has a couple of songs that came in. He has one about Benjy tasting his own cum. Howard said Benjy says that everyone has done it. Howard said he hasn't but Benjy thinks everyone does. Howard played the song that Psych sent in about the cum eating. It was to the tune of ''Man Eater.'' He played another song about Robin that Psych sent in. He had one about JD too. Howard said that was a Queen song and it's such a great song. He and Fred spent a minute talking about how great that song was and how Freddie Mercury wrote it. Howard said Freddie was way ahead of his time. Robin said no one writes like that. Howard sang some of ''We Are the Champions'' and said just imagine he had that song and suggested recording it. Fred played the actual song and Howard sang along with it.
Howard said the poor bastard got a hold of some bad cock. Fred said he wrote that and Brian May wrote ''We Will Rock You'' from what he was reading. Howard sang along with the song a bit and asked what he was thinking about when he wrote it. He said that they may have to get that Long Island Medium in there to contact him to ask.
Howard said that Benjy had a weird idea. He wanted to go out and ask black people to tickle him. Howard said he did it and it seems kind of dangerous. Benjy said maybe it was a little bit. He said it was more interesting than dangerous. Howard played the audio where Benjy goes out and asks some black men to tickle him. One guy asked him to get away from him. Another group of guys said they weren't interested either. They told him to go ask some white guys because no black guys are going to do it.
Howard said that Ronnie was talking about shaving off his Batman moustache. He said he's not sure why he would do that. Howard said he had a lot of people asking to take pictures with him. Howard said the elevator guy there had never even heard of Batman. Robin said she didn't know that was possible. Howard said he didn't either.
Howard said the Batman thing inspired the guys to make a bit featuring Ronnie as Batman in the TV series. Howard played the clip where Ronnie is asking Cat Woman to get topless in the show. They had him getting all excited about it when the woman popped her boobs out. Howard said he's so glad they changed radio. He said you never heard anything like that on radio before he came around.
Howard said Brad Pitt is out promoting the movie ''World War Z'' and he's really behind this movie. Howard said he's so into it that he's been showing up to screenings of the movie. Howard said he's had so many turkeys that he's making an effort to promote this one. Howard said Brad showed up at a screening and a guy was freaking out about it. Howard played the clip and it was a group of people screaming and you can hear a guy going nuts over Brad. Howard asked how that guy can have a normal life. He said he's talking about that guy and Brad Pitt. Howard said that you get applause but then you hear this guy screaming.
Howard had a new tip from Richard Christy's Dad. In that clip Richard's dad was talking about watching out for snakes in the storm cellar. He said you have to make sure you don't step on one in the cellar. Howard asked why anyone would need that tip.
Howard said this guy on the phone says he knows what ''We are the Champions'' is about. The caller said that he thinks it's about gay rights. Howard said that would make sense. Howard said the guy might be right. Howard said he doesn't think Mercury ever said that because he was closeted. The caller said he thought he was bi-sexual. Howard said he doesn't think he was. He said he thinks he was full gay. That led to them talking about the Liberace movie and how he would have liked to have played Liberace himself. He said they did a real hatchet job on that poor guy. Howard said it was bullshit. Robin said it was just one side of the tale. Howard said it was a dumb fucking movie. Howard said the performances in the movie were good but the story was bullshit.
Howard said High Pitch Eric wants to be an interviewer for the show and he's the worst at it. He said he ran into Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover. Howard played the clip of Eric asking him if he's a fan of Howard's. Ty said he was and he did an impression of Eric. Eric asked if he knows America's Got Talent. Ty said he does. He was goofing around with Eric about the show. Howard said Eric is an amazing interviewer.
Howard said he had another song of Benjy drinking his own cum. He played that song and said he was going to throw up. Benjy said Howard admitted he had tasted his own cum too. Howard said he did not. Howard said he never said anything like that. Benjy said Howard did say that he kissed a woman after she blew him. Howard said if came in a woman's mouth he wouldn't kiss her. Benjy said he wants a lie detector test done. Howard said he's caught in the Benjy Vortex again.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he loves him and loves him on AGT. Howard said he'll take that. Robin said she's looking up the meaning of We Are The Champions and Freddie said that it was about Football (Soccer) and not the gay thing. Howard said the gay thing was so much better.
Howard looked to see what else he had to play. He said he has more but he has to take a break. Howard asked Robin how Paris Hilton is doing. Robin said she's out of the hospital and the mother of the kids is coming forward saying she could raise the kids. Howard said if Michael was still alive he'd be asleep and unconscious taking care of them. Howard said the whole story is shocking. He said not the suicide attempt but the fact that Marilyn Manson is still touring so much.
Howard said that no one has ever tried to kill themselves after not being able to go to a Black Keys concert. He made it a point to tell Steve Brandano that.
Jason came in and said that he almost did that shaving thing on his back this weekend. He said he thinks he does have enough hair back there to do it. Howard said he was thinking if Lisa G shaved the Cat Woman logo into her pubs then Batman could meet up with Cat Woman.
Howard asked Jason about the new Superman movie and what he thought of it. Jason said he did and he knows Howard doesn't like the origin story. Howard said he knows the story already. He said we've seen the origin story on the TV series and in the movies 3 times. Jason said it's only been one time with Zod in it. Howard said it's too much Zod. Jason said it was only one with Zod. Howard said Zod was complete bullshit.
Howard and Jason spent a minute talking about that. Jason said the special effects in the movie were great. He said the movie was cool. Howard said he'll watch it but it's the same old story to him. He said they should move on.
Howard asked Robin if she's worried about the government listening to her phone conversations. Robin laughed. Howard said he was talking to Ralph about the new Superman movie and thinking about how they'd feel if they were listening to his calls.
Howard said he's one of the people who thinks that Neil Patrick Harris said the N-word to Mike Tyson. He said he wanted to play just that part but he didn't think they had it. JD told Howard he needed about 5 minutes to get that done for him. Howard said Harris was singing a song to Tyson and he thinks that he used the N-word.
Howard said that the Liberace guy, Scott Thorson, says that he had an affair with Michael Jackson too. Howard said Scott Thorson has probably had more music stars pass through his asshole than the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Howard said it's fucking crazy.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said Mel B was on the Tonight Show last night and dropped the F-word about 3 times. She said that they only gave one second of coverage to AGT. Howard said he saw Howie on the Kelly Ripa show yesterday. He said the other judges don't like to mention him. He said he thinks they're all jealous of him. He said he really is the best judge. Howard said they can't deal with it. Howard said Heidi told him that he speaks very well when they were taping the other day. He said that he waits for the producers to say things like that to him and they never do. Mariann said they're only watching for Howard. Howard told Mariann to watch tonight. Howard let Mariann go a short time later. Robin said Mariann is in the opening of the show. She's a big deal.
JD came in with the clip Howard was looking for. He played the clip of Neil Patrick Harris singing to Mike Tyson and thought he heard the N-word. Howard said it would be great if he did that. He said it would be funny if Tyson knocked him out in the middle of the number. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said this song was great. He said he was watching the new iOS announcement yesterday. He said he can't wait for this new OS. He said they're going to have a new radio service. He said that should be good for broadcasters. Howard said that means new jobs for broadcasters. Howard said some of the stations are automated but when they want to break through they have to rely on a human being. Howard said it still breaks down to someone doing something cool. Howard said that it only puts them in the driver's seat. Howard said it's more distribution.
Howard said he was reading about the new OS and they're going to have a new control center and a flashlight function. Howard said the apps will multitask. He said you can manage the apps so they don't drain the battery. He said Siri is getting updated. He said the App Store will automatically update. Howard said they had it the other way so you could choose to update it. Howard said they'll have better security too. He said they're changing the icons and stuff like that too. He said they have to do cool stuff all the time.
Howard said Russell Brand is there. He said he's dating up a storm since he broke up with Katy Perry. Howard said he looks better than ever. He said that he read that Tom Cruise gave him a yoga mat. Russell said he did. Howard asked why he's not doing movies. Russell said he asked Howard last time he was there what he should do and he told him to concentrate on his stand-up. Howard said he shouldn't listen to him. Russell said he's doing a world tour. He said he's going to Palestine. Howard asked if he's nuts. Russell said Howard told him like Obi Wan Kenobi to do this. Howard asked what the name of the club in Palestine is. Russell said he doesn't know. Russell said he's been doing sone philanthropic work as well. Robin said she doesn't understand his career now. Howard said he's like Audrey Hepburn.
Howard asked Russell what he's actually doing. Russell said that Howard told him to concentrate on his stand-up career and he took that seriously. He said he can work with people directly doing that. Howard said he is good at it. He said he has the gift of gab but he would never advise him to go to Palestine. Howard said it is hard to do international stuff. He said Mel B doesn't get some comedian's humor on AGT because of the cultural differences.
Russell told Howard that his show is called the Messiah Complex. He said that he has a bunch of symbols on his poster that might fire some people up. Howard asked whose idea it was to go to Palestine. Russell said it was his idea. He said people did tell him it wasn't a good idea.
Howard asked where he's performing in the United States. Russell laughed and said you can't say that in this day. He said that it's one world. Howard said he likes all of the other countries. Howard said he loves the United States. He said he won't leave the country. He said he doesn't even like some of the states he has to go to. He said he gets freaked out.
Howard asked when he's performing here in the states. Russell said he's starting in August and going through September all over the country. Howard asked if he will talk about Katy Perry in his act. Howard said that's what Richard Pryor would do. Howard said that he should do that and bring up the nitty gritty stuff. Russell said he didn't know Katy was nitty gritty. Howard said that her parents didn't like him, did they? Russell said he thought he got along with them very well actually. Robin said he has to think about the way he thinks.
Howard said that he loves that he thinks he got along with them. He said they have said they prayed to god that he'd leave her. Howard said they're glad he's out of her life.
Howard asked Russell about going out and protesting and getting naked at the protest. Russell told Howard about why he was protesting and it was about anti-capitalism. He said he was high at the time. Howard aid when you get naked in public you must have a big cock. Russell said it was very cold out that day. He said he was on a lot of drugs too. He said that he was 20 years old and it looked like a bald patch in his pubic area. He said he looked down and saw how ridiculous it looked and tried to masturbate it into a bigger state and got arrested for masturbation in public.
Howard asked if that comes up when he tries to get a green card. Russell said it does come up and he had to apologize and say that it would never happen again. He said there was so much rigmarole to get that card.
Russell said he wanted to tell Howard about his stand-up tour. He said he'll be talking about people like Malcolm X, Che Guevara, and people like that. Howard said that capitalism is a great thing. He said profit is a great motivater. He said that it makes people rise up. Russell said that it's gone a little too far. Howard said he's not going to get up at 4 in the morning for communism. Russell said that he has done a lot with his own limited ability.
Howard said he heard the most outrageous thing about Russell. He said he heard he's dating up a storm and the chicks are hot. He said he's seen pictures of the women. Howard said he's been fucking like crazy. He said he had some names but he doesn't know these girls. He said one is Theresa Palmer. Russell said he dated her before Katy. Howard said he heard that he was so into her that he hired Paul McKenna to hypnotize him into thinking she wasn't that hot so he could get away from her. Russell said he was making a movie at the time and this woman is beautiful. He said he had to have her but he wanted to have sex with the extras on the film. He said he called Paul and asked him to help. Howard said that these women get hurt if he does things that way. Russell said he'll tell a girl that they're alive here for a short time and he just wants to have some fun. Howard said he can't get away with that. Howard said the young girls believe they're going to be in a relationship. Russell asked if they really do. Howard said yes. Howard told JD to go out and try that himself. Howard said he'd get smacked in the head if he tried it himself. Russell said he loves women. Howard said he really doesn't. He said that he is a misogynist.
Howard asked if Paul really helped. Russell told Howard that he did. He said that hypnosis works on him. Howard said Paul is a nice guy. He said he's had him on the show. Russell told Howard that Paul had him imagining this woman with him with a bunch of other guys. Then he had her imagining her head on a fat woman's body. Russell said that wasn't working either. He said he ended up sleeping with her anyway.
Howard said the crazy thing he heard about Russell was about Katy calling him about going out with John Mayer and then coming over to make out with him. Howard said Katy and Russell were still talking and that irked John Mayer. Howard said Katy and Russell were seen making out in a Valet line at some club. Russell said that is not true. He said he loves a bit of gossip but that's not right.
Howard asked Russell if he believes in a personal god. Russell said he believes in god. Howard asked if he believes that he's going to go meet god and go to a special place. Russell said he doesn't believe that. He said he thinks that our consciousness continues. Howard said he thinks he's dreaming. Howard said he thinks that we just die. Russell said that energy can only transform and not disappear. Howard said he's wrong about that. Howard said the world isn't even round. Russell said he has seen it on the telly and it is round.
Howard said they did a poll where they asked who the smelliest celebrity is and Russell won. Russell said he isn't smelly. Howard said this was a poll they did for a Panasonic steam washer. Howard said they asked people across the U.K. about this and that's who they came up with. Howard took a smell of Russell and said that it's no wonder women want to sleep with him. Howard said he smells a little soapy and he smells nice. Howard said he felt bad for him in this poll. He said he gets that all the time so he knows how it must feel.
Howard asked Russell how he prepares for a stand-up tour. Russell said he learns everything he can about someone like Malcolm X and he thinks about how he would relate to other people and he goes up and talks about him and then watches the tape and marks down the funny moments. Robin asked what inspired him to talk about this. Russell said that he wanted to talk about the things that matter because things have become meaningless these days.
Howard said he read about how Russell failed to seduce Jennifer Lawrence. Russell said he's never even met her. Howard said he read that he hit on her at a party and she denied him twice. Russell said he was at that party but he wasn't hitting on her. Russell said that she is an amazing woman. Howard asked if he even said hello to Jennifer. Russell said he didn't. He said that she does appear to be a fantastic woman though.
Howard said Russell's hero musically is Morrissey. Howard said he read that he met the guy and a girl with big tits walked by and he was so distracted that he missed out on the conversation. Russell said he walked away to go after those boobs. He said it doesn't matter how great the conversation is because we're wired to find certain things attractive. He said that's why he went after that girl.
Howard asked why he doesn't know the music of Morrissey. Russell said that Howard is American so maybe he doesn't know it so well. Howard asked to hear some of his music. Russell told him to play some ''How Soon is Now'' so Howard had Fred look that up. Fred found the song and played it for Howard. Russell told Howard what some of the lyrics were and Howard didn't say much of anything about it.
Howard said Russell is going on a world comedy tour and it kicks off in August. Robin said goodbye to him. Howard asked what he's going to be playing when he's here in the U.S. Russell said he's going to play theaters. Howard said he should take over a Broadway theater for a few weeks and tape it to air later. Russell said he should do that and forget the middle eastern countries. Howard asked if he's afraid to go over there. Russell said that he's not afraid.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Katy Perry impression. Russell had no idea what was going on. He said he has a bunch of lunatics on the phone. Howard asked if it's true that Katy called him after her break up with John Mayer. Russell said that is not true.
Howard said he heard Russell tell a story about how he tried to get Tom Cruise to convert him to be a Scientologist. Russell said that he would say he was lonely and he was looking for something to help and ask if he knew what could help. He said Tom would just mumble and walk away.
Howard said if you want to get tour dates for Russell's shows you can go to RussellBrand.tv. Howard asked why he doesn't have the .com. Howard said that he lost HowardStern.com when someone registered it but the guy had a meeting with him and gave it up just because he met with him. He said the guy was a nice guy.
Howard said he's looking forward to the day that he marries Jennifer Lawrence and then comes in there a year later and her parents are thanking god that he's out of her life. Howard wished him luck on his tour and wished him luck in Palestine. Howard said if he can make it here then he can make it anywhere.
Howard asked if his TV show is done. Russell said that the show was hard to do and FX was done with it so they're finished. He said that the show just didn't work. He said Howard told him to go out and do stand-up anyway so he was busy making calls booking Palestine. Howard said he's learning to tell girls they're divine in Arabic. Howard told him to watch who he bangs over there. He said he can't just go around banging women. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Ozzy Osbourne and Geezer Butler are there to promote a new Black Sabbath album. Howard said people said it would never happen but it has. Howard said he wanted to just look at Ozzy and Geezer. Ozzy said that he thought he'd be dead by now. Geezer said he did too. Howard said Geezer is a vegan and an animal guy now. Howard said he's a clean living dude. Howard said that they know what it's like to have a big career. He asked what it's like to have the front man decide to leave. Geezer said that the whole band was falling apart at the time. He said it was the drugs and they were managing themselves and doing everything themselves. He said it was impossible. He said everyone had different opinions about what to do and they weren't business oriented. He said they went to some lawyers and they started getting ripped off.
Howard said Geezer said that Ozzy would have died if they had stayed together. Ozzy said ''absolutely.'' Ozzy said the first album was very fun but then they started getting ripped off and he started drinking more and doing more drugs.
Ozzy said that if you're broke and you get a $100 bill you think you're rich. He said that he was driving around in a Beetle and his manager was driving around in a Rolls Royce. He said he knew something was wrong. Geezer said then they got the tax bill and they saw even more was wrong.
Howard said that their first album was recorded in 2 days. Ozzy said he wishes they could do that now. He said the first album was like a live album. He said they had nothing to lose back then. Howard said it's too much pressure now. He said you can't just go make music and have a good time.
Howard asked how the band got back together. Ozzy said he's not sure what kicked it off. He said they would get back together once in a while over the years.
Howard asked Geezer how this happened. Geezer said he was working with Tony Iommi. Howard asked how his health is now. Ozzy said he's doing well. Howard said Ozzy has no idea how they got back together. Ozzy said he's right. Howard asked how it came about. Geezer said they had a conflict over the Black Sabbath name and they got together to talk about that. He said he solved some problems and that led to them doing another album.
Howard said that Geezer has had that name for a long time and now the name is fitting. He said he's getting older now. Howard asked how he got the name. Geezer said that's just a nickname they use in the UK.
Howard asked Ozzy how long he's been sober. Ozzy said he has been sober for 101 days now. He said that he wasn't going to his meetings and stuff and he started drinking. He said that it happens from time to time. He said he just wanted to get fucking drunk.
Howard asked Ozzy if he's going to be okay out on tour. Ozzy said he has an army of people around him now. He said he has a cop keeping an eye on him. Howard asked who hired them. Ozzy said it ain't him so who does he think did it. Howard said it must be Sharon. Howard said he got a call from Sharon last night. Howard said he was talking to her and he thinks that he could fuck her. Ozzy said he's a better man than him. He said he's been trying for a long time now and it's not working.
Ozzy said he has a sober companion now. He said he's with him 24 hours a day. Howard said he'd love to be his sober companion. Ozzy said the guy is just a regular guy. Howard said that must be so cool to be his sober companion. Howard asked if he ever calls the guy. Ozzy said he does. He said he helps him get to meetings and things. Ozzy said he had a glass of wine at Christmas and Sharon found out about it. Howard asked why she would leave a bottle around. Ozzy said that led to a bottle of Vodka.
Howard asked Ozzy if he's happy that Sharon is working so much now. Ozzy said she's going to England to the X-Factor show. He said she loves it. Howard said you can't leave Ozzy alone. Geezer said Ozzy hid the drinking from them pretty well. He said he thought he was doing too much coffee. Ozzy said that he was back into everything. He said he was writing songs about it. Howard asked how long it lasted. Ozzy said it was about a year. He said he is a big boy. Ozzy said it was fun for about 5 minutes. Ozzy said that he wasn't drinking or doing anything for years. Howard said he was like a health freak.
Ozzy said he forgot what it was like to feel dreadful in the morning. Howard said that's why he won't quit therapy. He said he has to go or he'll feel that way.
Howard said he thought that they did this album sober. Ozzy said they sort of did. Howard said they must have hated each other in the studio. Ozzy said he didn't feel that way. He said they tried this before in 2001 and it didn't work. He said they were all living in the same house and it just wasn't working.
Howard asked who writes. Ozzy told Howard who comes up with each part of the songs and how the process works. Howard said that sounds pretty simple.
Howard asked why they weren't able to do the band thing in 2001. Geezer said that it just didn't work because they were living in the same place and Ozzy was still doing his TV show and working on his book. Howard asked if that TV show thing pissed them off. Howard said Ozzy was off being a Hollywood star. Ozzy said that wasn't his fucking idea. He said he doesn't do TV anymore.
Howard asked Geezer what he thought of the Ozzy TV show. Geezer said he just figured that he was moving on with is life and moving away from music. He said he wasn't thinking about getting the band together at the time.
Howard said the guys hired Rick Rubin to produce the album. Howard asked Ozzy if he thinks he should shave his beard. Ozzy said he thinks it's fine. He said he's doing just fine with that big beard. He said he might grow a beard like that himself.
Howard asked Ozzy where they go to promote this album. Ozzy said they're doing their fair share of promotion. Ozzy said he went to a Grammy party and people were telling him how great the album is and they never got good reviews in the past. Howard said it's weird to get good reviews. Geezer said something must be wrong if they're getting good reviews.
Howard said he has their new song ''God is Dead'' to play. Howard asked who came up with the idea for this one. Ozzy said he did. He said he was in the doctor's office when he saw the cover of Time magazine that said ''God is dead.'' Howard said that they're satanists and they're always talking like that. Howard played some of the new song off their new album ''13.''
Howard said he loves this. Robin said they sound good. Howard let the song play through a little more. Howard asked Ozzy if he has to remember all of the new lyrics. Ozzy said he has a teleprompter. He said it's on the floor in front of him but he has to run around on stage so they have to move it around for him. Howard asked how many dates they're going to do. Ozzy said they're going to do 6 weeks on and 3 weeks off. He said that they're serious about this. Geezer said they're doing 20 gigs in the U.S.
Howard asked if the guys who have to watch Ozzy are all with him now. Ozzy said they are. He said they're in the green room now. Howard said he wants to meet one of the guys. He told them to bring someone in. Ozzy told them to bring in Rick.
Gary came in and said that Rick didn't want to come in. Dave came in instead. Howard asked Dave about what they do to keep Ozzy from drinking. Dave said they won't let a bottle get near him. He said it's a full time job. He said they walk into the room before Ozzy goes in. He said they have to scan the room for anything and they make sure there is no mini bar in the room. Howard said he loves Ozzy's life. He said that it's out of control. Ozzy said it's beautiful. Howard said it's all about Ozzy. He said he must not have gotten any attention as a child. Ozzy said he didn't. He said that it's not his fault that he's an alcoholic drug addict.
Howard asked Dave about sweeping the room and if he checks the suitcase. Dave said he packs the suitcase for Ozzy. Howard said they do everything for him. Sharon picks out the clothes and Dave packs it. Howard asked if Ozzy ever touches the bag. Ozzy said he never does. Dave said he takes the bags to the hotel and puts the clothes into the room. He said Ozzy never touches the bag. Howard asked if he's 9 years old. Ozzy said Sharon dresses him.
Howard said Geezer is trying not to laugh too hard at this. Geezer said that he has to be searched before he goes into Ozzy's room. Ozzy said it's like being in prison. Howard asked Geezer if he drinks. Geezer said he does. He said that he won't drink if he has a gig the next day but he does drink.
Gary asked if Ozzy is allowed to carry money or credit cards. Dave said he is. He said he has his own card and cash. Howard asked if he has ever used the card and it bounces. Ozzy said it does that all the time. Howard asked if Dave has to make sure he doesn't drink mouthwash or anything. Dave said it's not that bad.
Howard asked Dave how many of them there are. Dave said there are three of them. Dave said they're there at all times. He said they're even on the side of the stage during a show. He said they run out on stage to make sure no one throws him any drugs or anything. Dave said he's known Ozzy for 17 years so he knows him well.
Howard asked Dave what he does if Ozzy threatens to fire him. Dave said he tells Ozzy that only Sharon can fire him. Howard said this must be working but it sounds like a nightmare for Ozzy. Ozzy said he's turning 65 this year and he can't even think about a doobie. He said that he's fucked.
Howard asked Ozzy if he's ever thought about just snorting a whole bag of coke. Ozzy said he did that for 45 years. Robin said there was talk of the two of them splitting up. Ozzy said it came close. He said she confronted him about it and that was the end of it. He said that she ripped his coat off and threw coffee on him. Howard asked what she did to his car. Ozzy said she got rid of everything. She wouldn't let him drink or drive his Ferrari. He said he was too fucked up to drive that car anyway.
Howard said what's great about Ozzy is that everyone gets caught up in the circus. Howard said he would have so much guilt. Ozzy said he does have that guilt but what is he going to do about it?
Howard said he was interviewing Rod Stewart and he was saying he's going to have more kids. Howard said he's care free. He said Roger Daltrey is the same way. Ozzy said he has like 17 kids. Howard said Roger doesn't worry about anything. Howard said Geezer doesn't either. Howard said no one checks him like they check Ozzy. Howard said he loves this job Dave has. Howard asked what it pays. Dave said he has a smile on his face so that's all he'll say. He said he grew up idolizing Ozzy so that's payment in itself.
Howard said that he misses Sharon on AGT. He said she's so glamorous with the jewelry. Ozzy told him to shut up. Howard said that he realized why Ozzy has to tour so much. He said that she has so much jewelry. Howard said she must be getting paid well doing the shows she's doing. Ozzy said he has no idea. He said she's a later bloomer.
Howard said he's excited about this new tour. He said there isn't much to get excited about these days. Ozzy said that he could never do the talent shows like Howard and Sharon do. Howard said he enjoys it. Ozzy said that Sharon must love it because she flies to London to do it. Howard asked where she's getting the energy. Ozzy said maybe she's doing his coke.
Howard asked Ozzy how it was being back on drugs again. Ozzy said it was ecstasy. He said that he was able to have sex again. Howard said he has the heart of a lion.
Howard asked how the kids are doing. Ozzy said Jack is great and Kelly is doing great too. Howard asked who the guy is that she's with. Ozzy said the guy is a lovely guy. Howard asked if he knows his name. Ozzy said it's Matt... He thinks. He said Matt sounded right. Howard asked if he knows Jack's wife's name. Ozzy had to think but he said it was Lisa. He said the grandchild is wonderful too. Her name is Pearl.
Howard said the new album is called ''13'' and it features the single ''God is Dead.'' Howard said the band sounds amazing. He said Geezer is in top form. He said that they've been waiting for this day for a long time. Howard said it just feels right.
Howard asked how it was getting back together again. Ozzy said they were like fish in water. He said it was great. Howard said that he read that Rick Rubin made them sit in a room and listen to their first album. Geezer said they hadn't done that since they first recorded it. He said it was kind of strange. He said it made sense to them eventually. Geezer said that Rick told them that they weren't doing metal again. He said they were doing something they did before metal came out.
Ozzy said they were a jazz blues band at first. He said that's how they started out. He said Rick did the right thing. Howard said that Rick also told Ozzy not to sing any songs happy or glad. Howard said that there's nothing happy about Black Sabbath. Howard said that it must be kind of pretentious because if the band is happy then he should be able to sing about that. Howard said if you want to find out more about the band you can go to BlackSabbath.com.
Howard said that they say that Ozzy has 2.7 million followers on Twitter. Ozzy said he has no idea. He doesn't even know how to turn on a computer. He said he thought a cell phone was a computer until a few years ago. Howard said he must have someone doing it for him then. Ozzy said he has no idea.
Howard said Dave must have some job. He asked him if he gets chicks with that job. Dave said he's with Ozzy all the time so he doesn't get a lot of girls.
Gary asked how Dave takes a break. Dave said there are no breaks. He said he lives above the garage. He said that Ozzy knows if he fucks up things are over. Gary asked what is over. Dave said Sharon is going to say goodbye. Ozzy said that's what he's waiting for. Howard said that woman loves him and she will never leave him. Ozzy said he doesn't want to do that anymore. Howard said he gets that.
Howard asked Dave what he used to do. Dave said he used to drive him in New York. He said he used to be like Ronnie the Limo Driver. Howard thanked Ozzy and Geezer for coming in. Howard gave them some plugs for the new album and went to break.
Howard said he has a set list for Paul McCartney's show from the other night. He ran down the list of songs he played at the concert. Howard said he didn't recognize one of the songs on the list. Fred said he'd know it if he heard it. Howard told him to find it for him. Howard asked what Mrs. Vanderbilt is. Fred played it and Howard recognized it immediately. Howard said it is a good song. Howard went through more of the list and talked about some of the songs.
Howard asked JD if he likes this stuff. JD said he does. He said he really likes Helter Skelter. Howard said Adam Duritz revealed how Mr. Jones is in the song he sings. He said that it was some manager they had or something. JD said that he was the roommate that they had who couldn't get girls. Robin said JD relates to that. JD told her to leave him alone.
Howard said that Carly Simon told him who ''You're So Vain'' is about and he forgot. Howard said he just forgot what she said. He said she told him like it was the secret of life and he forgot. Howard said Gary asked him what she said and he was so freaked out that he forgot.
Howard took a call from a guy who thanked him for the great shows this week so far. Howard said that Ozzy has such a crazy life. He has to be watched to make sure he doesn't drink or do drugs. Howard said that would be like Gary and Fred moving into his house to keep an eye on him. Robin said she was reading about sober companions being in high demand these days. She said that these VIPs can't stay in control. Howard said that must be a nightmare job. He said it can't be fun at all. Robin said you can't even take time with a groupie because the VIP might get away.
Howard asked JD what he has over there. JD said he just put something up there now. Howard asked what it was. JD said it was Chad Johnson in court yesterday. Howard asked what's up with him and what he's been up to. They talked about how he head butted his wife and how the judge got angry at him yesterday and he got 30 days in prison. JD said he was in court and slapped his lawyer on the ass after the judge gave her decision. Then the judge changed her decision not to put him in jail and put him in jail for 30 days. Howard didn't want to listen to the clip.
Howard said Billie Joe Armstrong compared that guy Psy to herpes and Psy is happy about it. Howard had a clip of Psy being told what Armstrong said about him. Psy didn't know what herpes was so the interviewer explained it to him. Psy said he likes that. The interviewer said she thought it was a compliment. Psy said he thinks that's really cool. Howard said he feels bad for the guy. He said the interview sounds like a nightmare. Howard said you land the interview with Psy and he doesn't even know what herpes is. Howard did an impression of Psy and said he's like a deer in the headlights. Howard asked what kind of dough he's making. Robin said he must be doing pretty good. Howard said he just thanked a woman for saying he's like herpes. Howard said he should just do that Gangnam Style and leave it at that.
Howard said he has tape of a kid online playing Call of Duty and using the N-word. Howard said it's crazy what goes on out there. Howard played the clip of the guy calling the guy the N-word over and over. He was saying he was about to get ''mushroom stamped'' so Howard wondered what that means. He called Scott DePace in to ask him. Scott said he doesn't know what that means. He said there is some racist stuff going on out there. Shuli came in and said that it's when a player comes over and bends down like a tea bag. Shuli said that he has played against Scott online and he's very aggressive. He said he got mad at Yucko while they were playing. He said Yucko isn't very good. Scott said Jason isn't any good either. Shuli said that Scott hides in one place and camps out waiting to pick people off. Scott said you pick a sniper rifle and pick them off. He said it's great.
Shuli said he got into an argument with a kid online once. He said that he realized he's a grown man arguing with a 13 year old. Shuli said the kid called him a homo or something and he told him he sounded a little old to be playing video games. Shuli said he told the kid he's old enough to drive and find where he lives.
Howard played more of the audio clip where the guy was using the N-word. Shuli said this goes on all day on those games. Scott said the worst thing is when his kids walk in and hear that stuff going on. He said that you have to turn it down. Gary said he's heard that kind of stuff coming out of his kid's headphones. Scott said that's because Gary isn't a good father.
Shuli said he went to get a new headset and he was looking around for something reasonably priced. He said that the headphones he got light up on the side and top. He said they're the dumbest looking things. He said he looks like he's working in a drive thru at a restaurant. He said he's got this so he can hear some 13 year old calling him the N-word.
Howard said he's busy online learning how to do photography. He said he doesn't have time to play games. Howard said he knows people would be saying that he sucks nigger cock like these guys are doing.
Howard played more of the audio clip of the guy arguing online. Howard asked what he was saying about having a 2011. Robin said they were talking about cars. Scott said he got into an argument with a kid once who was bragging about his 42 inch TV so he told him he had a 55 inch.
Shuli said his wife asked him to take a 5 minute break to take out the trash. He said that a kid asked him if that was his mother.
Howard played more of the clip and then Shuli showed him a picture of his light up headphones. Howard said they are really douchy looking.
Howard said he loves that people post this stuff online. He said he's learning all kinds of cool shit online. Scott said he takes lessons online on how to do After Effects and things like that. Howard said the photography courses are great online. He said that he got some free and then paid for some. He said that he watches that stuff and then goes and watches porn so he can jerk off.
Scott asked if he's still doing a lot of photo shoots. Howard said he's not doing that many but he is doing some with Beth. Scott asked if he could be an assistant. Howard said Beth won't let him have an assistant. Howard said he has to do it on his own. That led to Howard and Scott talking photography and how to shoot black people. Howard kicked Scott out after a couple of minutes of that ridiculous discussion.
Howard said it's getting late and he has to take a break so they can get to the news and get out of there. Howard said he just has to get out of there. Howard said at least he doesn't have guys following him around like Ozzy. Howard said he can't imagine that. He said Ozzy can't do anything and he's 65 years old. Shuli said you should be able to do anything you want to at that age. Howard said Ozzy wants to party so bad. He said that he can't do anything. Howard said he thought that Ozzy said it was fucking ecstasy when he got back on drugs. He loves that stuff. He said there must be an age when you can start doing it again. Robin said maybe 95 or so is where they let you get back into it.
Howard told Shuli he's doing a great job with the news reports lately. Howard said that he's great with the Wack Pack. Shuli said that is his beat. Shuli asked if Eric the Actor is back on the show or not. Howard said he loves Eric but he kicked him off. Howard said he heard that Eric calls in as Derek and sounds a lot like Eric. Howard said he's disguised as Derek now. Howard said he heard Johnny Fratto put him up to that. Shuli said he saw that Eric was calling Johnny an ''Overly orange chain smoking bastard.''
JD said that Eric is in a Twitter feud with David Spade. Howard said he saw that. JD said he's not sure how that got started. Shuli said the people who get Eric going are very creative with what they do. He said that they had a fake page of Howard's and they were tweeting nasty shit about Howard. He said Eric was trying to find out if it was the real Howard. Howard said Eric types in all caps when he responds.
Howard said David Spade was tweeting out about how he threw a first pitch and he was bragging that it was better than Gary's pitch. Howard said he doesn't want to play the clip if it's a good pitch. Howard said Gary is known for his awful first pitch. Gary said he's brought up in every pitch from here to Tokyo.
Howard was talking to Gary and saw Tracy Millman in his office. Howard asked her to give him a ''douche.'' She did it but she wasn't angry so he didn't think it was as good as when she's angry. Howard asked if she had articles about him. Tracy said yes. Howard asked if she had anything good. Gary said it was mostly AGT stuff. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and sang along with ''Deja Vu.'' Howard mentioned the story they read in the news about David Crosby yesterday. He was trying to harmonize with the song too. Howard said he can't believe that Crosby is out of money. He can't imagine how that's possible. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard had Fred play Robin into her news with a Little Mikey song parody. Howard said Mikey is singing his heart out in that song. He said he has the most emotion out of all of those guys. He said you can tell he's into Robin. Robin said those songs always remind her of something. She said that there's a documentary out about the guy who replaced Steve Perry in Journey and how he was turned into a star.
Howard said he read that the IRS commissioner, Danny Werfel, is a Howard Stern fan. Howard said the guy only follows 51 people and Howard Stern is one. He follows Howard 100 News' twitter feed and Beth too. Howard said he refused to comment and took down his Twitter account after someone asked about it. Howard said they should leave the guy alone.
Howard said he was going to make a surprise visit to his parents. He said that didn't work out very well. He said they do nothing all day but his mom refused to let him come over. Howard said he called his mom and asked if they could stop by on their way out to Long Island. Howard said it was like 9:30 in the morning. Howard said she told him that his father wasn't there. Howard said she said that the air conditioning in the car wasn't working and she was out getting it fixed. Howard said he felt guilty because he bought them that car. Howard said he wanted to stop by and see her but she said they were having the house power washed. Howard said they have aluminum siding so they were cleaning the house. Howard did his impression of his mother telling him about all of this.
Howard said his mother told him the house was going to be hot because they didn't have the air on. Howard said she didn't think it was a good day to come over. He just wanted to stop by for 20-30 minutes. Howard said she was going to sit in her bedroom with her fan. Howard said he wanted to just sit there with her. She didn't want them there. Howard said it was just going to be for 20 minutes. Howard said she got back on his father not being there and he didn't care. Howard said he told Beth they should just go over there. Howard said his mother won't even go out of the house. He said that when she says she's going to lock herself in the room with a fan she means she's going to hold a fan in her hand and blow it on herself.
Howard said his mother called him the other day and told him they watched ''the show'' and he thinks she doesn't even know the name of the show. Howard said she told him that he was terrific. Howard said that was an easy phone call. Then his dad gets on the phone and he knew something was up. Howard said his dad gets on and tells him he was very good. Then he tells him about the guy who came over to fix the water they had in the basement. Howard said no one could fix this problem they were having. Howard said he called this guy John Kean who helped with the house he had built. Howard said his dad told him they didn't have water anymore. They dug a trench around the house and now it's perfect. Howard said he wants to know where his dad got that accent.
Howard said his dad told him about the basement water being fixed and how great those guys were. Then he tells him that they did have a little bit of water behind their heater. Howard said his mother and father were arguing on the phone about where the water was. Howard said that he was worried they were going to have water in the basement again. Howard said he called another guy and asked if John would mind. Howard said that this other guy said John wouldn't mind but the little bit of water may have come from the chimney and it may never happen again. Howard said he told him to wait and see if it happens again. Howard said it wasn't a lot of water to begin with. Howard said his dad thought it was a good idea to wait. Howard said so far so good, no more water. He said he didn't call yet because he's not up to it yet. He said he hopes the rain goes away. Robin said houses are a mystery so you never know where that water is coming from. Howard said he'll get a call from his mother telling him that his dad his treading water in the basement.
Howard said he would call him now but he's afraid. He really doesn't want to know. Howard said he'd feel funny asking John to go over and fix it but he's his only hope. Howard said the basement has been bone dry for years now and he's the hero even though he didn't do anything but call. Howard said he can't go to that well too many times. He said he'll do it but he does it under protest. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin got to her news and asked what Howard is planning on doing for Father's day. Howard said he buys his father tickets to the race track every year. Howard said his dad loves the track. Howard said he will get the thank you call and they get the same call every year. He said that he jokes around every time about losing all of his money there. Howard said his dad has his own life and he has very little to do with that. He said he could never give him a better gift than that. He said he swears that he never loses because he has a system. He said that he has been retired since 57 and he's turning 90 this year. He said he's never asked for cash. He said his parents must have done pretty well.
Robin said they were listening to that fight with the gamers that got all racial. Robin said that Sergio Garcia and Tiger Woods got into it recently and Sergio made a fried chicken reference in the argument. Robin said the two shook hands when they met recently. Robin said that sometimes we do resolve these issues.
Robin read about how Kobe Bryant sued an auction house for selling his stuff that his mother gave to them. Robin said a settlement allows the auction house to sell about 10 percent of the stuff they had.
Robin asked Howard what age males become mature. Howard said he figures 59. Howard said he was immature until he was like 50. Robin said he was late then. Robin said men become fully mature at the age of 43. Howard said he didn't until 50. Robin asked what age women do. Howard figured 26. Robin said it's actually 32. Howard said Beth was mature when he met her. Howard said he didn't have that yet. He just got it recently. Robin said that this study was done in the U.K. Howard said he's realized that you have to let people live their own lives. He said that came with maturity.
Howard did another live commercial read for the new Black Sabbath album. He took a call from Sour Shoes who was supposed to be Tony Iommi but he was doing some other impression instead. Howard said it never works when he calls in as a character.
Robin read a story about a father's day auction going on for the 15 Foundation. Robin said that's on Charity Buzz.
Robin said a British psychic canceled an appearance for unforeseen circumstances. Howard said they can't see everything. Robin said that fans were wondering why he didn't see them coming earlier. Robin said he had a booked tour and he should have known. Howard said it's all fake, that's why he canceled.
Robin read a story about a woman who isn't eating any solid food. She hasn't since May 3. Robin said she's trying to show that food isn't as necessary as we think. Robin said she's living on sunlight. She's drinking water and tea with milk. Robin said that doctors are saying that she can live for about 3 months on a diet like that.
Howard said some 19 year old girl went missing in the woods when she went in there wearing only a fanny pack. Howard said they sent in Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild to find her. Howard said it's actually a serious thing and he's not sure if they found her yet. Benjy said he doesn't think so.
Robin read about a woman who stabbed a man to death with her stiletto heel shoe. Robin said she left puncture wounds all over the man's head. Robin said she has been charged with murder.
Howard said Kim Kardashian has said she won't show her baby on her reality show. Howard asked how long that will last. Robin said that whole show is about her pregnancy. She said she can't be serious about that. Robin said that Brody Jenner is joining the show because he says he was never able to see his father and the only way to do that is to be on the TV show. Howard said the Jenner girls are actually really good looking. He said he finds it odd that the fatter, uglier ones are the popular ones on TV. Robin said they say that Bruce Jenner and Brody Jenner haven't met Kanye West yet. They only know what Kim has told them about him.
Robin read about how officials in Afghanistan have said police beheaded two boys for spying. Robin said that one boy was only 10 years old. Robin said they also beheaded a 16 year old. Robin said they deny that they've done this. Howard said he can't imagine being born in that country. Howard said he's going to stay locked up in his house here. He did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the guy who blew the whistle on the government spying on Verizon customers. Robin said that the attention these people get is never good. Howard said they want attention, that's it. Howard said he loves that the government spies on us. He said he loves that they compile information. Howard said they can figure out who people are talking to and try to figure out what people are up to. Howard said he doesn't want to get caught up in some terrorist action so he's happy that they're looking into it. Howard said he wants them doing it and catching terrorists. Howard said someone might read about him jerking off or something. He's willing to sacrifice for that. Robin said there are some people saying that this guy is heroic. Howard said he doesn't want this to jeopardize what they're up to. Robin had some audio of Ron Paul talking about the guy. Robin and Howard spent a few minutes discussing that story.
Robin read about how China is sending astronauts to a space station. Robin said that they're going to spend 15 days in space. Robin said they launched an unmanned module in 2011. Howard wondered why they would want to go up there. Howard said he's not sure what we're even doing up there. He said there's nothing going on up there on the moon or even Mars.
Robin read a story about Ariel Castro who had the 3 women locked up in his house. Robin said they're expecting him to plead not guilty. Howard wondered what his defense could be. He said he'd have to plead insanity.
Robin said that Heidi Klum is in page 6 this morning for fighting with her boyfriend in public. Howard said he read that. Robin said that you should take your fights home. Robin said they got into an hour long argument from what she was reading. Howard said he figured she was in love with him and that's what made her upset because she can't be with him. Robin said that Heidi's boyfriend is her body guard. Howard said that guy is a big fan of theirs. He said that he's not sure why he was ever allowed in the house with Heidi. He said Seal never should have allowed it. Howard said he took his body guard and put a Batman logo on his face to make sure Beth doesn't run off with him.
Robin read about Mel B being on The Tonight Show last night. Robin had some audio clips of her talking to Jay Leno. Howard said America's Got Talent is on tonight for anyone following along. Howard wasn't sure what time though. Gary said it's on at 9.
Robin read about how radio personality Sam Clovis is thinking about getting into politics. Howard asked where his radio show is. Robin said he's in Iowa. Howard said he's probably making between 18-20,000 a year out there so he won't miss that job. Robin had some audio of Clovis that she had Howard play. Howard said that's a smart move getting into politics.
Robin said that Russell Crow is playing Superman's father in the new Superman movie. Robin had some audio of Crow talking to Jimmy Fallon last night. Howard said he's going to be on Jimmy Fallon on Monday. He said he'll finish up his promotion tour with that.
Robin read about how Paul McCartney is going to be performing with the band Bloody Beat Roots. Robin had some audio of Paul singing on one of their tracks. Howard said that story confused the shit out of him. He has no idea what's going on. Robin said Paul turns 71 next week. Howard said he would just hang out if he was that age. He said he's not going to be doing this job at 71. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show after that. They were done at 10:35am.
Jon asked Scott about how the kids deal with cursing. Scott said his 9 year old thinks that ''ass'' is cursing.
Jon said he had to have a conversation with his daughter about what some of the curse words mean. He said it was awkward but he did it. Gary came in and said that it's very uncomfortable to talk about that stuff. Jon said that it seems like Scott is shielding his kids from this stuff and that can make them more curious. He said you have to be careful with that.
Gary said they were watching that movie ''This is the End'' and it's really dirty. He said his son Lucas is 15 and he knows some of that stuff. He said that there's a scene where one guy is talking about jerking off on another and it goes on for like 5 minutes. He said he was just hoping it would go away. Gary said Lucas gets to see this kind of stuff on HBO and on his iPhone so it's not all a secret.
Scott said that Jon was spying on his kids. Gary said he was too but he wouldn't call it spying. He said he was monitoring them. Jon said you don't know who they're talking to and you want to be protective but not over protective. Gary said his older son had a computer in his room and he heard laughing. He said that they searched the word ''tits'' and there was like a woman with a giant dick in her face with jizz on her. Gary said he let him off the hook for that and he swore that he had only done it that one day. It turns out it had been over two weeks. Gary said his son told a kid at school that he figured it out and told the kid that he must be some kind of genius.
Jon took a call from a woman who said she can't believe Scott would edit out the curse words from Bad News Bears. Scott said there were a lot. Gary said he's not that bad with language. He said the kids are going to hear that stuff at school. Jon asked how you deal with cursing at a ball game or something. Scott said he'll yell at someone to shut the F up if they're cursing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said DePace is a lazy father. He said he would rather edit out the words instead of sit them down and have a meaningful conversation with them. Gary said that he could just tell them that they're wrong and not to use them instead of editing them out. Scott said he's not going to parent 12 kids so he edited the movie.
Gary said Mary Lou Retton was a spokesperson for some company that would edit out the cursing in movies. Gary said if you're going through that then you have a lot more issues.
Jon asked Scott about his coaching and how that's going. Scott said they got through it and the season is done. He said there were some kids with issues. He said he was trying to explain things to them but it's very hard. The guys spent a little more time on that and then went to break.
Jon asked Scott if he goes above and beyond with his kids. Scott said he does with baseball. He said he's coaching his fourth team this year. He said he's doing a lot of baseball with the kids. He said it's a lot of work. He said he plays video games and lacrosse with them. Gary asked what he does that he hates doing with them. Scott said he's not a big basketball fan. He said he hates Monopoly too. He said that his kids don't play with dolls so it's not like they're doing much that he hates. He said he had the kids helping out fixing the deck. Jon and Gary shared some stories about things they've done with their kids.
Jon took a call from a woman who said that Scott's kids will probably knock up some chick before Gary's do. Scott said he got his sex talk when he was like 20. Gary said he was in 9th grade and he had a note in his pocket that gave his mother the wrong idea. He said his father just came in and asked if he knew everything he ended to know. He said yes and his dad said ''Good'' and that was the end of it.
Jon said Russell Brand was in today and he has a good time when he's there. He said he started off talking about how he's following Howard's advice about doing stand up. He seemed confused when Howard told him to go into the movies again. He said he loves him on the show. Gary said Russell does seem like a good guy.
The guys talked about how Russell wasn't talking much about Katy today. Gary said he may have pissed her off last time he was on the show. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Jon said that Ozzy and Sharon's dynamic works for each other. Scott said he had a hard time understanding what Ozzy was saying today. He said maybe he was drinking last time he was in there.
Jon said he liked Geezer's take on Ozzy when he was doing The Osbourne TV show. Jon said that Howard was also asking why Sharon wasn't with him but she's doing her own thing now. Gary said she has a career now and she can't just put her career down. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about Farrah Abraham coming in today. He said she's also known as the Teen Mom. He said she made a porn and he watched it last night. He said he went on the web site and it kept stopping every 30 seconds. He said the lag was annoying. He said she supposedly does anal on it but he didn't stick with it long enough. He said he saw her in 3 or 4 positions and he gave up. He wanted to see her get anal but he couldn't wait for it to catch up. He said once the internet figures all of that out it'll be good. Robin said she must be pretty popular if it was that slow.
Howard said JD doesn't like her for some reason. He asked JD if he thinks she's hot and he said no. He mumbled something about her. Howard said he asked him what his beef is with her. He said he's not happy with her show for some reason. Robin said these girls get reality shows just because they got knocked up young. Howard said JD really doesn't like her. He said he knows he'd go out with her if she asked him out.
JD came in and said he might not say some of his actual feelings. Howard asked what she did wrong. JD asked if he really wanted to do this now. Gary said the C-word was flying in the office yesterday. Howard said he thinks she's super cute and JD would fuck the crap out of her and he'd be her boyfriend in a second. JD laughed and said he's out of his mind. He said she's not that good of an actress. Howard asked why he cares if she lied about a sex tape. JD said he doesn't like people who lie and manipulate the media. He said he doesn't like reading about this stuff. He said it's part of his job and he has to do that.
Gary asked JD why he liked Ashley Dupre for doing nothing. JD said she didn't put her name out there herself. He said that this girl did. Howard said he still thinks JD would do her. Howard said she was begging the guy in the video to put it in her butt. JD said it's all so fake. He said her boobs were fake but her ass was okay. Howard said he knows JD would be crazy for her if she was into him. JD said he can believe whatever he wants.
They played the ''He's Got a Mush Mouth'' song parody about JD after listening to him mumble. Howard let JD go after that.
Howard asked if he would ever play a gay man in a film. Derick said no he wouldn't. Howard said he has the exact same personality as Eric. Howard asked what his Twitter handle is. Derick said it's DerickFromTexas. Robin asked if he's lying. Derick said no. Howard asked if he's in a wheelchair. Derick said he's not. Howard asked if he has hands like plums like Eric. Derick said he does not. Robin asked if he has club fucking feet. Derick said no to that as well.
Howard asked if Eric is attracted to men like Eric the Midget. Derick said he isn't and he doesn't think Eric is either. Howard asked how he pleasures himself since Eric uses a mattress. Derick said he uses his hand.
Robin asked if Derick is a fan of American Idol contestants. Derick said he's only a fan of the country music contestants. Howard said that Eric the Actor called Kelly Clarkson a fat pig. Derick said he doesn't think that's true. Robin said he knows a lot about Eric the Actor. Howard said he did try to trick him and he knew it was not accurate. Derick said he reads the internet. Robin said she reads the internet all day and doesn't read anything about Eric. Howard asked how tall he is. Derick said he's taller than three foot.
Howard asked Derick if he liked Wrestling since Eric the Actor thinks they're all pussies. Derick said no. Howard asked what he does for a living. Derick said he's between jobs at the moment. Robin asked what he does when he's not between jobs. He works at Walmart.
Howard tested his math since Eric isn't very good at it. He asked what 8x7 is. Derick said his brain doesn't work very well at this time of morning.
Gary came in and said that they like this guy but they hate that fucking midget. Gary asked if he agrees that he's an ungrateful piece of shit. Derick said he doesn't know. There was some woman moaning behind Derick so they asked what was going on over there. Derick said that wasn't coming from his end. Howard said Johnny Fratto was on. Howard asked what Johnny was doing. Howard said he knew this was Eric. He figured it out about 2 seconds ago.
Howard said Johnny must be having sex. Howard asked Derick if that's Johnny. Derick said it is Johnny. Robin asked why he's on with Johnny if he's not Eric. Derick said he got in contact with him. Howard asked if that's Johnny having sex. Gary said it can't be. Howard asked what's going on there. They listened in a little more and there was still moaning going on. Howard said maybe Johnny is really good in bed.
Gary said he feels sad for Eric. He knows it's Eric and it's just sad he's doing this. Robin asked Derick if he would fly with balloons. Howard said he's not a midget so he's not sure he would. Derick claims that he's more than 3 feet but he's still a little person.
Gary said he's shocked that he can't do math just like Eric can't do math. Robin asked if he would lie to them. Derick said he would not. Gary asked what 9x9 is. Derick knew the answer just like Eric did. Gary said he asked for a reason. Howard said he can keep calling in until he finds out he's lying. Howard said they'll call him Derick the Actor from Texas. Howard said he has an accent. Robin said sometimes he does.
Gary asked what Derick thinks of David Spade. Derick said he doesn't know much about him. Howard said Eric is in a feud with him on Twitter. Gary said that's right. Robin asked Derick if he knows anything about that. Derick said he didn't know anything about that. The moaning started again on Johnny's line. Howard said that has to be a porno. Howard let Derick go after that. Derick said he'd talk to them later. Robin said he didn't have an accent.
Howard said some people think that's Eric but some of them think it's actually Derick. Howard said you can decide on your own. Howard said he doesn't have absolute proof.
The caller said that he has cried at Undercover Boss. Howard said he doesn't know that show. Gary said he does and he knows why he'd cry. Howard said he doesn't think he has cried at a movie. Howard said if he has he's forgotten about it. Howard said when his dog died he really did cry. Robin said some guys cry at movies. Howard said he doesn't.
The caller said he came across a song on Sirius over the weekend and it was a hip hop song about guys who are in love with the same sex. He said the video is amazing. Howard asked if he's gay. The caller said he's not but Howard has changed his mind about same sex marriage. He said that when Howard asked what difference it would make to him he thought about it and figured Howard was right.
Howard said he saw the ugliest human being on the planet on AGT last night. He said it's killing him to look at himself on that show. He said he hates the way he looks. Robin said he has to stop it. She said she's not sure what he's comparing himself to. Howard said he's seen guys who are burn victims that look better than him. He said they had that burn victim on Dancing with the Stars who looks better than him. Howard said he realizes how fucking ugly he is. He said even this whistle blower guy is a better looking guy. He said he has a hot chick girlfriend too.
Howard said Steven Tyler is stopping by today. He said that guy is a legend. Robin said she can't get the vision of his feet out of her head. Howard said his feet are all fucked up from performing. Howard said the guy is a legend though. Robin said that he has man breasts too. Howard said the guy is in his 60s. Howard said he's still in pretty good shape. Robin said he's got issues.
The guys showed Howard some pictures of Steven's titties. Howard said he really does have them. He said he needs a mastectomy. Howard said they are kind of nice actually. They don't have any hair on them. Howard said the guy is still getting pussy though. He said he hopes that Steven comes in and not Deven.
Howard said a TV station in New York interviewed Molly Shannon and they asked who her celebrity crush was and she mentioned him. Howard said the anchor laughed at her over that. Howard said this chick would probably fuck him and blow him too. He said he meets people like this and they all start coming on to him. He said it's like JD and Teen Mom. Howard said someone else asked this woman about him and she bashed him again. Howard played the clip and the anchor was talking about her interview getting on the Howard Stern Show. She played the clip of Howard talking about the interview. Howard said this broad had to piss on his parade. The anchor was wondering who alerted Howard about it. She said she still doesn't get why Howard Stern would be on Molly's list. Howard said no one has even heard of this woman. She was saying that Hugh Grant is dreamy. Howard said that guy isn't holding up that well. He said if she was pretty she'd be on a popular show.
Howard played some audio of Farrah Abraham doing her sex tape thing. Howard said he thinks it's hot.
Howard said that Jackie has weaseled his way in with Willie Nelson. Howard said Jackie tells his jokes to Willie and it's really odd. Howard said that he hates jokes like that and he just bothers Willie with them. Howard played a clip of Jackie talking about going to meet Willie at a show. Jackie said Willie asked what jokes he had and he told him a bunch. Jackie said he's going out to see Willie at the PAC center and he's going to give him some gifts. Howard said he's going to pepper him with that junk he gives away. Howard said Jackie is so fucking happy that Willis is acknowledging him.
Howard played more audio of Jackie talking about sending a bunch of jokes to Willie and his daughter. Jackie said he was told he was on a roll so he sent a bunch more. Howard said he has no idea that Jackie is going to keep pounding him with jokes. Jackie was asked when Willie is coming on the show. Jackie said he would love that.
Howard said it's like that bit they had about Delusional Fan Syndrome. Howard played that bit where they had Jackie talking about meeting Paul McCartney and how he thinks he'd love his jokes if he met him. Howard said that Jackie laugh is going to be in Willie Nelson's life now.
Howard played a new Little Mikey song parody about Robin. Robin said that was funny. Howard said it's a good one. He said Psych sent in a new one as well. That was to the tune of an Ozzy Osbourne song. Howard liked that one too. Howard said Eli Braden wrote a song about Richard's asshole. He played that song as well. Howard said that one was cute. Howard said he can't get that image of Richard's asshole out of his mind. He said it opens up and drinks beer.
Howard said he had another Manly Tip from Richard's dad. This one was a storm tip. Richard's dad was talking about lightning out on a lake and how you should put your fishing pole away if there's lightning.
Howard said Ronnie was all revved up after the show yesterday when he was driving him. He said that when someone else drives he gets pissed when the car swerves but yesterday Ronnie was fucking nuts. He said Ronnie wouldn't even let him in the car if someone else was driving. Ronnie said that was two days ago, not yesterday. He said he had a cab trying to run him off the road. Ronnie told Howard not to tell him how to drive. Howard said he was endangering his life. Ronnie said they were doing 8 miles per hour. He said he was going to be run into a bus so he wasn't going to let the guy do it.
Ronnie asked Howard what the fuck is wrong with him. He said he doesn't tell Howard how to do his radio show. Howard said he's got a lot of anger. He might sign him up for Bobo's driving school. Ronnie said Bobo can't even put a wig on straight.
Ronnie said he's going to cut off this moustache because he's sick of it. Howard asked if he's really going to do that. Ronnie said the color has to go. He said it's too dark. Ronnie said Doug Goodstein puts a rinse in his hair. He said that he wants his camera guys to watch him every day and see the color change. Doug came in and said he swears to anything that he doesn't do it. Doug said Ronnie is a senile old man.
Doug told Howard that Ronnie had a dream about killing him. Howard said he's convinced that Ronnie is out of his mind.
Howard told Ronnie to slow the fuck down when he's driving. Ronnie said he wasn't going that fast. Howard said he knows what's going on up there. He said it's like they're in a race. Howard said this moustache makes him think he's like a real super hero. He said he swears it's that moustache. Howard said he thinks he's in the Batmobile fighting crime.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that Ronnie has all the characteristics of an aggressive driver. Ronnie told him to go back to crying over his shrine. He said he was on the news the other day crying about his stuff getting wet. Bobo said he was out there with a broom sweeping the water out.
Bobo mentioned Howard on a boat on America's Got Talent last night. Howard said he hates that. He said he didn't want to be out there. He said he just wants to judge but he feels like he has to do this dumb shit that they want him to do like at a wedding. He said he doesn't want to do it but he can't protest too much because then he's not a team player. Howard said he doesn't want to be a dick about it. Howard said he gets on the boat and they seat him between Mel B and Heidi. Howard said they want them to talk about the talent and what they're looking for. Howard said he was waving to people and got disgusted and they used that clip last night. He said he didn't think they would. Howard said Mel B didn't want to be there either. Howard said she asked what the fuck they were doing on a boat. Howard said he didn't know either.
Howard said Howie wasn't on the boat so he asked where he was. They said he had a surprise and that turned out to be the Mariachi band. Howard said he hates Mariachi bands. Howie had them chasing him with their awful music. Howard said he was being tormented on the show. Howard said at one point he just said that he had to embrace it. He said he started dancing around with them. Bobo said that someone is going to die on that show with the scary acts they have. Howard said they're good.
Ronnie told Howard that JD's girlfriend is there. Howard said he was watching her take it like a champ last night. He said she uses lube. He said this guy was lubing up like crazy. Howard said she's a tiny girl. Gary said she's cute. He said he was just talking to her. Gary said she had anal before she had regular sex. He said she wanted to stay a virgin. Then she got pregnant. Howard asked what happened to the baby daddy. Gary said he died in a car accident. Her dad is helping her out raising this kid.
Gary said he asked Will if her parents are okay with it. Gary said they were okay with it until they got on Dr. Phil. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Farrah Abraham is there. Howard said she's also known as Teen Mom. Howard said he was just watching her have sex last night. Howard said he saw the tape free. Gary said that's the link they got from her people. He said it should be the legal one.
Howard said that he didn't know much about Farrah. He asked her about how old she is now. She said she's 22. She said that she was on a TV show on MTV for a couple of years. She said she's not sure if the show is still on. SHE said she did the show for 4 seasons. Howard asked if she got paid for it. Farrah said they were tight on the budget. She said she got a book deal and some endorsement deals too. Her book is called ''My Teenage Dream Ended.''
Howard asked how tall she is. She said she's 5'7'' tall and 115 pounds. Howard said that seems about right. Howard said she has a tight body for someone with a baby. Robin said if you have it really young then it snaps back.
Farrah told Howard that she was going to do the plan b pill when she got pregnant but her parents didn't let her do it. She said she thinks about it now and she would never go back and do that. She said the father of her daughter died when she was sixteen. She said that it was really sad. Howard asked if it was his fault. She said he was driving the car at the time. She said he slipped on black ice and he was going too fast. They broke their necks and one of their friends lived.
Howard said he got in an accident when he was about 17. He said he got hit by a woman and he should probably be dead too. Farrah said she got into an accident too. She totaled her car. She said that sometimes you just live and learn. She said that teens do a lot of crazy things.
Robin asked Farrah about her math because she's saying she's 22 but her daughter is 4 and she claims she had the baby at 17. Farrah was pregnant at 16 and had her when she was 17.
Howard asked why so many people hate her on Twitter. Farrah said that she gets it from everywhere. Howard said this guy who works for him hates her and he was calling her the C-word and all of that. Howard said he was trying to figure out why he hates her so much and he was saying that she got famous for doing nothing. Farrah said you can just walk outside and become famous. Howard asked why she got chosen to be on the Teen Mom show. Farrah said that they were trying to show that you can support a child and she had sent in a casting tape. She said she got a call back and got on the show.
Howard said Farrah makes appearances and she gets $5-10,000 per appearance. She said she goes to Gentleman's clubs and things like that. She said that she doesn't have to get naked either. Farrah said she loves going out and meeting people. She said that she meets women and men. Howard said that's pretty good money to just show up.
Howard said they claim that she got paid $1.2 million for her sex tape. She said that she doesn't want to talk about money because that brings in more hate. She said that she was in a bad situation and she made it right. She said that someone else came out with the tape and put it out there.
Howard asked about the guy who she made the porn with. His name is James Dean. Howard said they had sex for Vivid Video and they paid her for it. Howard said she insists that she met James and had sex with him and it got leaked. Farrah said it had something to do with him wanting to be more famous. Howard said it seems set up though. Farrah said she thinks that some person got egotistical and leaked it. Howard said it seems like it was set up though. Farrah said that someone else may have leaked it.
Robin asked if the porn was lit well. Howard said it looks like a porn and higher quality than an amateur video. Howard asked what he was filming on. She said it was a regular video camera. Howard said it seems really well shot. Farrah said it was just her and the guy and it was sunny that day. She said too many people have it in their head that it was set up. She said it was a private home video.
Howard said Farrah wanted anal from the start of the film. Farrah said she just told him what she wanted. Howard asked if she has seen the video. Farrah said she hasn't seen what Vivid has. She said that she signed the rights over to them. Howard said in the film she expresses to James that she wants anal first. Farrah said they did have anal. Howard said James didn't want to give it to her first. Howard said he gave her vaginal sex first. Howard said that she did it in a few ways. Farrah said that he wanted to do anal first so maybe they cut it up a different way. Howard said in the film he saw they did it vaginally first. Howard said he saw him put his tongue up her ass too. Howard said she was enjoying it very much too.
Howard said in the film Farrah is complimentary of the guy's cock. Farrah said you should be with your partner. She said that you don't tell them that their penis is small. Howard said when the guy was fully hard he looked like 8 inches. Howard said she has said that he has a small cock. Farrah said she was hurt and she said those things because of that. She said that's why she's moving on and wishing him the best. Farrah said that she has had bigger. She said that her baby's father had a bigger cock. Howard asked if it was like 9 or 10. She said it was like 10 inches. She said that's what she's satisfied with.
Howard said Farrah handles a big cock like a champ. He said he was impressed how easy it went in. Howard said he's complimenting her.
Gary told Howard that JD is out in the hall pacing around. He thinks that Farrah is lying about this whole thing. Howard asked JD why he's so worked up about this. JD came in and said that this was a set up tape. He said he has friends in the porn business. Howard said we know that. JD said in order for a sex tape to be released they have to have a release signed. JD said that he heard that she signed that release on set. Farrah said she'd like to know who these people are. She said that she hears a lot of people who thought that it was an open thing and it wasn't.
Howard asked if it's possible that she had sex with this dude and he took it to vivid and told them that he just had sex with Teen Mom. Farrah said it wasn't like that but it came though someone else. Howard said maybe it seems less dirty that way. Farrah said that she's not a whore or a slut. She said that she's not having that much sex and JD is probably having more. Howard said he's not. Howard said if Farrah came on to him he'd be all over her. JD said he knows that she's not into him. She confirmed that but wished him luck with his love life.
Howard said JD was tweeting her negative comments before she was even booked on this show. JD said he told her that she's everything that's wrong with pop culture and TV. He said she's part of a show that puts people on TV for responsible behavior. Howard said she had the baby though. She didn't abort the baby. Farrah said she thinks that he's misinformed. She said that she doesn't share things if she doesn't think that others can learn from them. She said she takes care of everything and learns from others. She said that he should talk to reporters who want to make her famous. JD asked if she's ever had a photographer take pictures of her to get in the paper. She said he really needs to go take care of himself. Howard told JD he can go.
Howard asked Farrah if she blocks people online now. She said she does sometimes. SHE said that when someone repeatedly shows up she'll block them.
Howard asked Farrah about this sex tape thing. He said anal was something she did before she even lost her virginity. She said she did. She said that it's weird how she grew up. Howard said a lot of Christian girls do that. Howard said that way they keep their virginity. Farrah said she tried not to have sex before she was married. She said that she does have sex now but when she was first with someone that's what she did.
Howard asked if her parents had issues. Farrah said she's not going to comment on her parents. She said she thinks they just missed something in their lives. She said that she can't see eye to eye with them all the time. She said that she got kicked out of the house when her mom assaulted her. She said she fought back and it turned into a negative thing.
Farrah told Howard that she walked into the house and her mother started shouting something at her while her daughter was sleeping. She said that her mother was going through her mail at the time too. She said that she threw a shirt at her and that woke her daughter up. She said she thinks her mom went to hit her and she blocked that and went to hit her back. She said that she quit at a certain point after hitting her mom in the head.
Howard asked about going on Dr. Phil and what happened there. Farrah said her parents were very quick to get negative on that show. She said that she left the show and never spoke to them again. She said that she didn't talk to her mother or dad for a while after that. She said that it's just standard talk now. She said they can't stay positive so she avoids that. Farrah said that Dr. Phil was telling her to keep things private and she told him that she had to take advantage of the tape thing while she could. She said Phil wanted to be in her parent's ears. She said the whole thing was weird.
Howard asked if she still lives at home. Farrah said she has her own home in Austin, Texas and her dad lives with her. She said her mom isn't there with them. She said her parents are split up.
Howard asked Farrah when she last got laid. She said it was about 6 months ago and everyone has seen it. Howard said she's talking about the sex tape. Howard asked about that big, cock going in her ass and how she can handle that. Howard asked if it hurts. Farrah said it didn't hurt and she likes anal sex. Howard asked if she orgasmed from that. She said she thinks she did. Robin asked if he's trying to say that a smaller penis would have made sense. Howard said he's built for anal.
Gary said JD says that she may have squirted. Howard asked her if it's pee. She said it's definitely not pee. She said that she's sure it's not pee. Howard said he has never been with a girl who has squirted so he wouldn't know. Howard said he still doesn't believe that it's a real thing. Farrah said she doesn't do it all the time. She said it's random.
Howard asked Farrah why she wears lingerie in the video but also gets naked. She said she likes to dress up sometimes. She said she's a girl and that's what they like.
Howard asked if Farrah cleans out before having anal. She said that she doesn't do anything special. She said she lives normal and goes to the bathroom normal. Howard asked if she makes a doody every day. She said of course she does. Howard said that's amazing. Howard said that's fantastic. He asked when she last made doody and if it was this morning. She said she did but she thought the questions were weird.
Howard said this guy wasn't wearing a rubber. Howard said he was thinking about her getting pregnant. Farrah said she's on the pill. She said that he's clean so it was good. Howard asked if she's afraid of the pill. She said she was on the pill when she got pregnant. Howard asked if she was taking the pill every day. She said she was. Robin said the pill isn't good for you.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if she was spanked as a kid. Farrah said she was. She said that she likes to be spanked now too. Howard said she got spanked by James Dean too. Howard said that's pretty nervy using that name.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Farrah is the hottest chick. Howard asked how many people have bought this tape. She said she's not sure. Howard asked if the caller beat off to it. He said he did. Howard asked if that excites her that guys are beating off to it. Farrah said she doesn't have anyone at home so no. She said that she does watch the video and masturbate to it though. Howard asked how often she does that. She said she's seen it a bunch of times.
Howard asked if she uses a vibrator. She said she doesn't need to. Howard asked if she wanted to watch it now. She said no to that. Howard said he could never masturbate to his own movie. He said he can't even stand seeing himself on AGT. Howard asked if she was named after Farrah Fawcett. She said she was.
Howard asked if she's talking to her mom now. Farrah said she's not. She said that she always ruins things on the last day she's visiting her.
Howard asked Farrah if she was arrested for DWI. She said she was. She said she's on probation now. She said that she had a .014 blood alcohol level. She said that she wasn't that drunk. Farrah said she didn't want to go through the whole story. She said people are upset saying that she wants to go out and kill people. She said that the cops didn't have to hand the story over to TMZ. She said that wasn't right. She said she has a breathalyzer thing in the car and it pops up while she's driving so it's dangerous. Howard said everyone should have one in their car. She said that she doesn't think that everyone should have it in their car.
Howard took a call from Crackhead Bob who said he loves her. It was just the guys in the back playing clips of Bob asking questions.
Howard wrapped up with Farrah and asked if she had a message to leave with the people. She didn't really so Howard gave her plugs for her stuff and went to break.
Howard came back and said that they were busy so he's sorry. Howard asked Fred what he played. Fred told Howard some of the bits and songs he played.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to tell him that the show was incredible last night. She said he's so great on TV. Howard said he doesn't feel he looks good. He said he has such a horrible self image. The caller said it's all in his head. She said that he's not bat looking. She said that he looks good sitting next to Heidi. Howard said that means a lot to him.
Howard said he wishes he had a healthier ego. He said there are guys out there who don't look good and think they're really good looking.
Howard said Steven Tyler is running about 15 minutes late. He said he should be there soon.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he saw what Russia is doing. He said they're passing a law that keeps gay people from kissing or even holding hands in public. Howard said he's not sure what's going on over there. He said Putin got back in and he seems to be a communist leader again. Robin said he's like a dictator not a communist. Howard said they have elections over there but they're just a joke. Howard said he hasn't read that much about it since he's busy with the Teen Mom.
Howard said they did get attention when they locked up Pussy Riot. Howard said he was interested because the word pussy was in the paper. Howard said he saw a picture of Putin going for a swim and they were saying he has the hottest physique. He said the guy controls everything over there.
The caller told Howard about a football player who spent 6 years in jail for rape and the woman came out after he got out and said she had lied about it. Howard said he hates that. He wondered how you can live with yourself after doing something like that. The caller said that the school they sued is going after her for the money they won in a lawsuit. Howard said the world is so complicated.
Howard said it would be so annoying to be Putin in Russia. He said it would feel like a burden to him to control that many people. He said he thinks that's why he would be a good president. He said he just wants to help people. He said he wouldn't care about staying in office. Howard said he wouldn't care if he was voted out after 4 years. He said he'd probably be great. Robin said that's why he will never be president.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that he thought this Teen Mom interview would be okay with Howard doing it. He said halfway through the interview he pulled over and stabbed his ears out with a dead armadillo's tail. Howard said the guys pitched her to him and he wasn't sure he wanted her on. He said he enjoyed having her in there though. The caller said he imagined Howard throwing stuff around during the break. Howard said he didn't react like that. Howard said he went with it and he's not disappointed. Howard said he thought it was fairly interesting. Robin said she still doesn't know who she is. She said that there are so many Teen Moms.
The caller said she was on Dr. Phil and that seems to be the kiss of death for guests on his show. Howard said he doesn't analyze it that much. He said he's not sure why anyone would. Howard said he had her in, talked to her and that was it. Howard said she seemed kind of thrown off when he asked her about anal but the name of her video is Back Door Teen Mom. Robin said she's not sure why they talked to her. She said she's still not interested in her. Howard said he's not either but he's not over analyzing it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's a long time fan but he agrees with his thinking that he doesn't look very good on AGT. He said he looks worse this year. Howard said last year they were careful about filming him seated last year. Howard said he hates that they shoot him from underneath. He said they could be more protective of him. The caller agreed that they do the underneath neck shot and it's not good. Howard said he has those laugh lines while Howie doesn't. Howard said Howie must be doing Botox or something. Howard said he's not sure how he's the only one with laugh lines. Howard said Heidi is 40 and she doesn't have any. Howard said Beth is 40 too though so maybe she's not doing anything. Howard said he is suspicious of Howie. Howard said he has to ask Howie about that. Howard said he might have to go to a doctor and get some help.
Howard said now he knows why he got jobs. He said people must have felt bad for him. He said they must have figured that he'd be grateful.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the show is awesome and they're hitting it out of the park. He said that they're making a talent show not boring. He said that the acts are real and not fake. Howard said it sounds like this guy is in a wind tunnel. The caller got in a spot where the wind wasn't blowing into his phone. The guy said that the show is really working this season. He said it's awesome stuff. Howard thanked him for the call. He said he's glad he got inside after that tornado.
Howard asked if Steven is there yet. Howard said he might have to take another break. Gary said he's not up there yet but he may be in the elevator. Howard went to break after that.
Steven came in and said he was peeing. Howard asked if he as peeing on his time. He said Steven is wearing a kick ass outfit today. Steven said Howard looks great. Howard said he gained weight. He said that he needs to get rid of these laugh lines. Steven said he has tried everything and you cant get rid of them. He said he tried Restolin.
Howard said getting older just fucking blows. He said he sees himself on TV and it's depressing. Steven said it can be. Howard said he heard Steven was making out with a 20 year old the other night. Steven sounded like he was cringing. Steven said he met some super models down in Australia and they were filming it so he went with it. He said he didn't close the deal though. Howard asked if he's almost a good guy now and he won't do that. Steven said he likes to get to know them a little better.
Howard asked Steven what happened with that Erin chick. Steven said that they had some irreconcilable stuff. He said that he cheated on her. Howard said he loves him. He said he's so out of control and he could never be like that. Steven said he's a social animal. He said he likes to flirt and do stuff like that. He doesn't want to do that but he loves to socialize. Howard said he means fuck when he says socialize. Steven said he means socialize. He said it hurts the woman you're with when you flirt though. He said he can't do that.
Howard asked if it hurt to let her go. Steven said that it still hurts. He said he still cries at night. Steven said he has a dream team now and he's in heaven when he's on tour. Howard asked if he's drug free now. Steven said he is. Howard said he had Ozzy in there yesterday and he asked how it was doing drugs again. He said Ozzy told him that it was like heaven. Howard said the guy is 65 years old and he can't do any of that stuff now. They have three guys watching him to make sure he doesn't do any of that stuff. Steven said you have to find other things to do. Steven said he goes too far with it himself so he can't do it.
Howard said Steven is right on. He asked who made that outfit for him. Steven said he has people who help him out. Howard said he has to have people because he can't shop all day. Steven said that he loves shopping and he could do it all day.
Howard asked Steven if he tried to suck his own cock as a kid. Steven said he's not going there. Howard asked if you swallow when you suck your own. Steven said he thinks that everyone tried it at some time. He said he wasn't able to reach it. Howard said he heard he has a huge cock. Steven asked why they always go there.
Steven pulled out a big knife. Howard asked Steven why he carries a big knife with him. He asked if he does that to keep Joe Perry in line. Steven said that he had operations on his feet and he got back on drugs at that time. He said he snorted some shit but not that much. He said it wasn't so much fun this last time around. Howard said Ozzy said it was a blast. Steven said he was so on fire when he got out of Betty Ford. Steven said he fell off stage and fell 8 feet 10 inches. Howard said he could have died that night. Steven said he could have.
Steven said he went into a depression over his foot problem. He said he didn't think he'd be able to be in the band anymore. He said the guys told him to sit on a stool but he can't do that. He said he told Joe he'd do that if Joe played the ukulele.
Howard said Steven estimates that he spent 3 million on coke in the 70s. Steven said that it was the 70s and that stuff kept them going. He said it was a way of life.
Steven asked Howard how he likes doing that talent show. Howard said he likes doing the show but not doing things like floating on a boat. Howard asked Steven how he liked Idol. Steven said he didn't like telling people that they can't sing. He said he didn't want to ruin a career like that. Howard said he doesn't crush someone's dream but he's honest. He said they have a lot of great talent this year and it's fun seeing that stuff. He said it's cool. Howard said Steven did American Idol for the money. Howard said he thought Steven was worth hundreds of millions. Steven said he took that job because he was on drugs and he fell off stage. He said he was pissed off at the band. He said they want to stick it to him. Steven said he got pissed off at them. He said he got a new manager and asked him to get Idol and he did.
Howard said Steven got into a Twitter war with Nicki Minaj and said that she would tell Bob Dylan to go home. Howard said she called him a racist for saying that. Howard said Steven ended up apologizing to her over that. Steven said he would have loved to have sat next to her on Idol.
Howard asked Steven about how much he loved J-Lo. Steven said that she made him blush every day. He said she was married so he didn't want to do anything. He said that he used to make dirty comments to her on the show too. Howard said they do that at AGT too. Howard said they should put that stuff on the air. Steven agreed.
Steven said that he just met Madonna the other day. He said he would fuck her. Howard figured she was too old for him. Steven said that he would fuck her based on the testosterone she has for staying in the business after everyone told her she had nothing. He said he gives her everything for sticking with it as long as she has.
Howard asked if Steven fucked Carly Simon. Steven said he did not. Howard asked if he had sex with a lot of famous women or women not in show business. Steven said he was married for most of his career. He said he didn't fuck around either.
Howard asked Steven if he was fired from American Idol or did he quit. Steven said he got a feeling about it. He said he didn't have any discussions about the show and they were taking too long. He said he called up J-Lo and told her he was leaving. He said he called the show and told them he was leaving. He said they wanted to put out a press release. He said that's the way they do things.
Howard said Steven didn't know how much time the show was going to take up. He said it became a lot of hours. Steven said he was fine with that. He said he did Idol with 5 hours of sleep at times. He said he didn't get the kind of money J-Lo did but the second year he went in there and wrote down a number. He said if they gave him that number he'd do it. He said it was a huge number. He said it got him a house in Maui. He said the house in Maui was $5 million. Howard figured he got $15 million. Steven said it may have been around that number.
Howard said Steven Tyler is a big deal. He said that J-Lo isn't as big of a deal. Howard said he'd be filled with resentment if he were Steven.
Howard said he was blown out when he saw Steven on 60 Minutes. Howard said he was so honest on that show. Howard said Steven talked about how tired he was of the guys in the band riding his coattails. Howard said sometimes you just get pissed off. Howard said Steven knows he's the magic in Aerosmith. Howard said the lead singer is everything. Steven said he feels that some days but other days he feels he's nothing without them. Steven said that they're like brothers and that's why they do the things they do.
Howard asked Steven what he eats to stay thin. Steven said he doesn't eat the bad stuff. He said he wants to look good. Howard asked Steven about going out swimming and wearing a small bathing suit. Steven asked Robin what was up with that comment earlier. He said she must be jealous that his tits are bigger than her's. Robin said that's just not true.
Howard said he wanted to talk about a few songs. Howard asked about ''Angel'' and said he thought that he wrote with Joe. Howard said he wrote that one with Brad. Steven said that one was with someone else. Howard said he wrote that with Desmond Child. Howard said he read that he wrote it with Brad Whitford. Howard asked if that's true. Steven said that he wrote it with Desmond. He told Howard how he came up with the song and what it was about.
Howard asked if he came up with Dude Looks Like a Lady. Steven said he did. He doesn't like that one though. Fred played the song and Steven went through the lyrics. Steven said he wrote this one with Desmond. Howard asked if he liked the song when it came out and when he started hating it. Steven said that he got sick of it hearing it on the radio all the time. He said that he hasn't heard Angel in a long time so he loves that. Howard played some of that song too. Steven said that this was from a different era when ballads were a big thing. He said he was able to deliver it too. Steven said he wrote this with Desmond.
Howard asked if he feels good about that song now. Steven said he does but they don't play it. He said that they're going to whip these out when they're on tour this time. Steven said he loves the song ''Crazy'' too.
Steven said they're getting a song writers hall of fame award tomorrow night. He said those awards mean something to them. He said that they appreciate the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame too. He said that they were kept out of the hall of fame for a long time. He said they were very petty about that. He didn't want to say who it was that kept them out until another band got in before them.
Howard asked Steven if they would open for AC/DC. Steven said he would do shows where they switch back and forth.
Howard asked who he didn't like back in the day. Steven said that he didn't like Queen. He said he loves them now but back in the day he didn't like them.
Howard asked Steven about the song ''Dream On'' and if he hated it. Steven said he didn't hate it but there were some that did. He said it took 3 years for the song to become a hit. He said they used to make fun of this song. He said now they don't. He said it was Joe Perry's girlfriend at the time who said she hated the song. Steven said he can't believe this song was a hit. He said that it's huge now but he can't believe he pulled it out of his ass. He said that he was just fucking around with the piano and it came out. Steven said that the song Mia came that easy too.
Howard asked if he believes in god when a song comes out like that. Steven said after his kids were born he believed in god. Steven said that people didn't like this song because it was slow and not like their other music. He said there is a piece of him that loves this song so much.
Howard asked who came up with the orchestration in the song. Steven said he came up with it. He said that they worked it out in a house in a basement in Foxboro, Massachusetts. He said he was good at coming up with that stuff. Howard asked if he writes that stuff down. Steven said they call that producing now and he never got credit for coming up with that stuff. He said he just did it and didn't think about it.
Howard said Steven wrote Janie's Got a Gun in his basement. Steven said that he used to make fun of Tom for playing the beginning part of the song. He said he gave him credit in the song because he came up with that part of it. Steven said he would sing Janie's Got a Gun over and over for weeks. Then he came up with the rest of the song later on. He said he would just skat with the song and come up with the lyrics by filling in the blanks. He said that's why half the songs don't make sense. Howard said he's hearing all of this and getting angry at the band for not visiting him in the hospital. Robin asked why he's trying to get him all upset again. Howard said he loves getting people upset. Steven said he's nothing without Joey Kramer. He said that he loves those guys to death. He said he got so mad at the rest of the band for watching the Three Stooges and drinking. He said he got fired up and went out and wrote a bunch of great songs because of that. He said it actually helped him out in a way.
Howard asked about the song Janie's Got a Gun again. Howard said he wrote about that in his book and he said something very dark. He said that he found his own daughters very attractive. Gary said that was in a Rolling Stone interview. Steven said that he was in rehab and he found out that guys go after women when they're during because their kids look like their mothers. He said that it goes on day in and day out in America. He said he looks at his kids and they are beautiful. He said he would never act on it. He said that he can see why drunk guys act on it.
Howard asked about ''Livin' On the Edge'' and Steven said that it was originally called ''Pickin' Out A Wedge'' and he had some other lyrics for the song. Howard asked if he was pissed that Weird Al came up with a parody of that song. Steven said he's not angry about it. He said that's not his cup of tea.
Howard played ''Sweet Emotion'' for Steven and he told Howard that he broke the instrument that makes that clattering sound in the start of the song. He said they left in the break and that's the clack you hear in the song. He said the Maracas sound is actually a sugar pack. Steven told Howard that in ''Back in the Saddle'' he had tambourines taped to his boots. He said that they were all stoned when they did that stuff. Howard asked who wrote the riff for Sweet Emotion. Steven said it was Tom Hamilton. He said that was all Tom. Howard and Steven went through the song and Steven told Howard how he came up with the song.
Howard said Steven is a very emotional guy. Steven said he is so emotional he's surprised he's not... and stopped. Howard figured he was going to say gay. Howard said he must have tried gay sex when he was younger. Steven said he never did but he thought about it when he was in a threesome.
Howard asked Steven about ''Walk This Way'' and if they still do that song. Steven said that the band used to come down on him for not coming up with the lyrics. He said that he wrote them all down and left them in a cab once. He said that the blood went out of his face when he realized he had left them all in the cab. He said he had to write them down again and he did it on the wall of the hotel room with a pencil. He said the rest of the guys went out to see Young Frankenstein and he did that. Howard asked how he comes up with lyrics again after leaving them in a cab. Steven said that he had to come up with new stuff and this is what he came up with.
Howard said he's always trying to make sense with his lyrics but you really don't have to. He said he's so stupid. Howard asked if he has a sober companion. Steven said he doesn't. He didn't even know what that was. Howard said Ozzy has one. Steven said if he gets high he's going to get high with whoever is around.
Howard said Aerosmith is doing some shows. They're doing a show in New York. They're playing with a few other bands but Howard said he doesn't care about the rest as long as Steven is there. Steven mentioned that Joan Jett is playing and he loves her. Steven said she is hot. Howard said you can find out more at BackyardFest.com
Howard said Steven is also in the movie Epic. He does a voice in that movie. Steven told Howard to have the rest of his people come in. He had his daughter Mia there and a guy named AJ there. Howard said that guy is ripped. Steven called Amy in too. That's his assistant. Howard asked what it's like to be his assistant. Amy said she loves Steven dearly. She said that she has a boyfriend. Howard asked if he ever hits on her. She said they have way too much fun. Howard asked if it's good to have such a hot assistant wearing hot pants like that. Steven said she used to work for Trump. Howard said she must have to do everything for him. Amy said they take care of each other. She said she brings him food and coffee in the morning.
Howard asked if they have banged at all. Amy said of course not. Howard asked if she gets paid well. She said she's doing just fine. She didn't want to say. Amy said she wouldn't be there if she wasn't taken care of. Robin asked if she dressed like that for Trump. Amy said of course not. She said that she had to be more conservative.
Howard asked Mia about growing up as Steven's daughter. She said it was great and she saw him as dad and not as Steven Tyler. Mia said that Steven sat her down at 18 and told her that he'd support her no matter what she did. She said that he'd be happy if she was a porn star or an accountant.
Gary asked Steven how he has that drug talk with his kids. Steven said he tells them that it ruined his life. Mia said she tried drugs and she wanted to do it bigger and better than they did so she would sniff a line off his gold record. Steven said she was very young when she did that so he was kind of upset about that.
Howard asked who this other guy is. That was Lee from the record company. Gary said this is only half of his entourage. He said there are more in the green room. Howard asked if it's stifling to have so many people around. Steven said if you want to go to the next level you can't do it on your own. Steven said he has a guy named Dominic who is Howard's biggest fan. He said that he takes care of his house. Howard asked the guy how much he gets paid to do that. Dominic said he takes care of the Boston house. Steven said he listens to Howard all day long, that's what he does. Dominic said he does the yard work and gets things fixed around the house. He said that he gets the place ready when Steven is coming in.
Howard said next up they're bringing in Steven's electrician. He said this is a big exclusive. Steven said he is not there. Howard said this has been great and he could talk to him all day long. Howard said he has written so many great songs that he played over and over again on radio. Howard said his music was so inspirational. Howard said he never would have thought he could sit with him and talk about this stuff. He said he's glad their still together. Howard said he speaks his name. Howard said Steven is just a great guy.
Howard asked Steven if he fucked Oprah. Steven said he connected when he met her. He said he didn't fuck her but they keep in touch. He said he texts with her and he still gets happy when he gets a text from her. Howard asked if he would fuck her if she showed up in a hotel room naked. Steven said she's a beautiful woman no matter what.
Howard asked Mia if it bothers her if her father brings home a woman younger than her. She said she has never seen that happen. Steven said it hasn't happened. Mia said that she and her sister wouldn't let it happen. Howard said that he did have sex with Carol Miller. Steven said he did. He said she left her boots on too. Howard said he's jealous of that one.
Howard said Steven made love to a DJ while she was on the air. Steven said he forgets her name right now. Howard wondered who it was. Howard asked if it was at WBCN. Steven said it was. He said he fondled her breasts on the air and may have given her head while she was on the air. He said it was great. Howard said that is the greatest.
Howard asked if Mia was surprised that he did American Idol. She said that it was great that America got to see the real Steven.
Howard said that Joe invited him up to his house in Vermont and he will get up there some day. Howard said he knows Steven hasn't been invited but he has been.
Howard asked Steven if he was at Woodstock in the audience. Steven said he was and he was high. Robin asked Steven what he thought of the guy from Rush doing his ''Blah, blah, blah'' speech. Steven said he's an asshole and he's going to have to live with that the rest of his life. He said that he'll regret it later on. He said it's like thumbing your nose to everything you've ever done.
Howard asked if it's true that they added a verse to the song ''Crying'' so the video would air longer since they had Alicia Silverstone in it. Steven said that's not true. He said the first edit was so lesbianic. He said that they had to cut some of it out. He said they left all of the touching stuff out. Howard wrapped up after that. They went to break a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he could hang with Howard all day. He said Howard has had a lot of great icons on the show lately. Howard said he lived in the same building as Joey Kramer when he was in college. The caller said he lived in the same area as Joey too. He said he was in a Spin class with him and didn't realize it.
Howard said he's getting a whole history with that caller. He had to let him go. Howard said Steven remembers everything about making those songs. Howard said they learned that the Maracas were sugar packets.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had another awesome week of interviews. Howard said they had some great guests this week. He said they had Ozzy, Steven and Teen Mom. He said they can't get any better than that.
The caller said that he does an internet show and they sent clips of it to Howard. He said that Eric the Midget called into the show and he was on for an entire hour. Howard said he'd check out the clips. Howard said he's not talking to Eric anymore. He's going to talk to Derick though.
Howard said it's time for news. He had Fred play Robin into her news with a song parody by Psych. Robin started to sing along with that so Fred played an outtake of her singing a Stuttering John song.
Robin started off with a story about Chad Johnson getting the 30 days in jail for celebrating in court. Howard said that he thinks the judge did the right thing. Robin said the women on The View were talking about it and they think that the judge over stepped her bounds. Howard said that if this guy really head butted his wife he should take it seriously. Howard said that he was smacking his lawyer on the ass. Robin said the judge looked at the agreement and said that he had a very good lawyer. All he did was hit the guy on the butt like a football player would do on the field. Howard said the guy did something inappropriate in court. Howard said that will straighten the guy out. Robin said he didn't laugh, the rest of the court room laughed. That pissed the judge off. Howard said if he was in court with a judge ruling on him he'd sit there like an angel. Robin said she was in traffic court some guy tried to joke with her and the judge looked at her. She said that it wasn't her fault but the judge was going to blame her for it.
Robin read about how Michael Douglas' son wrote an article for the Huffington Post. He's spending 10 years in jail. Robin said he was in for 5 years but they slapped another 4 years on because of his conduct. Howard said if you're in there for drugs then don't do drugs. Howard said he thinks it's pretty simple. Robin said Douglas thinks that drug addicts should be in treatment and not in jail for this addiction. Robin said that Michael thinks that he was made an example of because of his name. Howard said that might be the case. Howard said he knows that in prison these people do get high.
Robin said Black Sabbath's album hit stores yesterday and hit the top 10 on iTunes yesterday. Robin said they're doing very well. That led to Howard doing a live commercial read for their new album.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this Teen Mon chick was a great interview. He said that he didn't know who she was until today. Howard said he didn't know who she was either. Howard said he did like that she did anal in her porn. The caller said as a listener they don't get to see the girl and how hot she is. He said that she sounds very mature so it makes for a much better interview. Howard said JD didn't like her. He said he gets fired up over some people like this. He said that JD was tweeting her and lecturing her over Twitter. The caller said he thinks that's all about JD and not about her. Gary said that JD said he didn't lecture her. JD said he just mentioned her. He said he saw an article about her where she said she had denied making that sex tape. Howard said he took the time to tweet her and he's a fucking lunatic. Howard said he has too much time. Howard said even if Hitler had a Twitter account he wouldn't spend time thinking about it and tweet him. JD said he can't explain this. The caller asked if he's jealous of her. JD said he's not. He said it's ridiculous that she's making so much money for lies. They played a JD song parody after that.
Gary brought in the tweet JD sent out to Farrah. He was telling her that she was everything that was wrong with TV today. JD said that she ruined his day that day. Howard said she didn't do anything to him. Howard said if she wants to say that her sex tape wasn't arranged why would he yell at her over Twitter. Howard said it didn't do anything for him. JD said he vented a little bit. The caller said he did it because he's mental. JD said it bothers him and he's not sure why. He said it just does. Howard said a lot of stuff bothers him too but he doesn't tweet them.
Howard asked JD what he expected to happen. He asked if he thought she was going to write him back. JD said he didn't put that much thought into it. Howard asked who he was venting to. JD said he was venting to her and to the world. JD said he gets bullied on Twitter all the time. The caller said that two wrongs don't make a right.
The caller and Howard talked about The Bachelorette for a few seconds before Howard let him go. Howard said the guys on the show are douches and almost boring. The caller said Farrah would be a good Bachelorette. Howard said he's right. Robin said they should do the show themselves. Howard said he should but he has no budget to do it on Howard TV like he'd like to.
Howard said they wanted to do an Embedded show at JD's apartment. Howard said JD didn't want anyone in there. He said that JD is a hoarder and that's why he doesn't want anyone there. JD said he has his stuff and his roommates stuff in there. Gary said that JD got shaken when they brought it up in the meeting. He said that they had a discussion about it and he asked if he's a hoarder. JD told him he's not a bad hoarder but he's a little bit of one. JD said he doesn't need anyone looking at his private stuff.
Gary told Howard that JD's apartment is the place where his pants were eaten by mice. Howard said he has to clean that place up. Howard asked why he's holding on to his brother's stuff at his apartment. JD said he moved to California and it just sits there. Gary said no one has ever gotten inside the apartment but Jon Hein came close. Gary said a lot of the hot chicks that sent in pictures for the Hottest Chick Biggest Fan contest were pictures with JD. The caller said that's because they look better next to JD.
Gary asked JD what he collects that piles up. JD said it's just stuff. He said he has a bunch of movies that he hasn't watched. Howard said he should throw them out if he hasn't seen them in a year. JD said he has to get to that. He hasn't been able to yet. Howard asked what movie he's holding on to. JD said he has screeners and stuff. Gary said he'll watch anything he gets there. Howard said he was hoarding in his office there and he made him throw that shit out. Howard said Gary's mom was a hoarder. Gary said she wouldn't throw anything out and it was stuff that was 20-some years old. He said they had blenders that were still in the box from 1971. He said when he moved out of the house his mother went downstairs and had plates, knives, linens and other stuff. He said that empowered her to keep the stuff even longer.
Howard asked JD if that's why he keeps his stuff. JD said that's kind of how it is. He said he has baseball cards and stuff. Howard said if he had some cool stuff he might be able to get girls. Gary asked if he has porn DVDs. JD said he does. Gary said he should throw the porn away sine most of that stuff is on the internet.
Howard said they should just sell all of JD's stuff. They could put it on JD-Bay. Gary said when his mom had her garage sale a guy bought all of his report cards and stuff. He said that he ended up selling it for more than he paid for it. Gary said he got his mother a dumpster and they were throwing stuff out and his mother was grabbing shit back. He said that she didn't want to throw the stuff out.
The caller asked Howard what he could hold over JD's head to get him to throw stuff out. JD said he doesn't want anyone looking at his stuff. Howard told him to get out of there after that. Howard said he's wasting his time. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about how the Star is doing a story about Kanye West possibly cheating on Kim Kardashian in 2012. Robin read the details about how he got this woman and took her back to a hotel room even though Kim was at the party. Robin said the Kardashian people are denying that story.
Robin read about a poll that says people are sick of hearing about Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. Robin had some details about that.
Robin read about Oprah Winfrey helping to make sure that a museum is built in Washington DC for the history of African Americans.
Robin read a story about a fashion designer who made some racial slurs in front of some Jewish women. Robin said he was the head designer at Dior at the time. Robin said he's doing an interview with Charlie Rose. This is the first public interview since 2011.
Robin read about the Michael Jackson trial and said that they heard from Michael Jackson's ghost. Robin said that they had a witness who said that they had spoken to a medium in 2009 and they allowed this in court. Robin said that they say that Michael took all blame off the doctor and said it was all an accident so he was taking personal responsibility. Howard asked if Sal is the judge in that case or something.
Robin had some audio of Tim Tebow talking about getting another shot with the Patriots. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about the immigration bill being addressed in congress. Robin had some audio clips to play. One clip was a senator delivering a speech in Spanish.
Robin read about protests going on in Turkey. Robin had some audio clips to play for that story too. Robin said they say these protests are about a park.
Robin read about Shirley Jones writing a book and some of the stuff she wrote about. Robin told Howard some of the stories in the book. Shirley is 79 years old and she still feels sexy. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show after that. They were done around 10:35am.
Benjy said he doesn't get the anger about it. JD said he wishes he wasn't like this and he could live an easy going life. Benjy asked why he cares. JD said he doesn't know but he just does. He said he can't explain it. Benjy asked JD if he got upset with girls in school who were called a slut. JD said he didn't care. Gary asked if there are others that he cares this much about. JD said it's anyone on Teen Mom or any of the Housewives shows. He said they're all getting divorced anyway so they're not even housewives anymore.
Gary asked JD why he's not angry at Elisabeth Hasselbeck for getting famous for doing nothing. JD didn't have an answer. He said he thinks that these people are seeking attention in a way that rubs him the wrong way.
Gary asked JD if he was told he could never be on the air again, would he be upset. JD said he might be a little bit. He said he thinks he could live with it. He said he doesn't seek attention. Gary said he does though. He said he may not seek it but he does like it. JD said that he's not doing much of anything other than his job to get attention. Gary said he's doing the block party. JD said he was asked to do that.
Gary said JD does something that made him famous. Benjy said that it's Howard interacting with him on the air that made him famous. He said people aren't that excited about the clips Howard plays.
Gary said he doesn't understand why he's going after her so hard. JD said he thinks she's lying about the sex tape thing and that pissed him off. He said he was the only one who didn't want her on the show.
Jon told Ronnie that Farrah squirted and told them that it's definitely not urine. Ronnie said she's his best friend now then.
Jon told Ronnie about what JD was saying about his driving. Ronnie said that Jon is a pretty aggressive driver. Jon said he is but he doesn't have the guy who is paying him to drive in the back seat of the car. Ronnie said he's been driving him for 27 years and they've never hit anything or any body. He said he had a cab on his left side and the guy was pushing into the side of the car. He said the guy was pushing him into a bus and he didn't know what else to do. JD was laughing at Ronnie's beard and Gary started to as well.
Jon told Ronnie he could have just stopped and let the cab in. Ronnie said Jon wouldn't have done that. Jon said he's right but he doesn't have Howard in the back of the car. Ronnie said he doesn't tell Howard how to do his radio show so Howard shouldn't tell him how to drive. Ronnie said that you have to drive aggressively in Manhattan. Jon agreed. They went to break a short time later.
Jon asked if Ronnie is going to keep his moustache. Ronnie said he doesn't like the color so he has to get rid of it. Jon asked why he doesn't dye it the same color he had it. Ronnie said he gets that people like it but they like Batman. He said people say it looks neat and clean but he can't get used to the color.
Jon asked Ronnie what he was talking about with Doug Goodstein and the hair rinse. Ronnie said it's a rinse that lasts like a day or two. Jon asked how he knows and why he thinks that he has his hair colored. Ronnie said he's not the only one. He said Sal notices it too.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he sports JD and he knows Howard didn't let him get his point across. He said he agrees with JD about Farrah. He said Howard really threw him under the bus today. He said he made him look like an ass in front of that whore. JD said Howard had a guest so he's going to stick up for the guest. He wouldn't be a good host if he stood up for her. JD said he doesn't know how she is as a mother. He said he's never seen the show.
Benjy asked if being in porn is a bad thing for a mother to do. Gary said a lot of chicks in porn are moms but you have to explain it to your kid some day. Gary said he has no problem with that though.
Jon took a call from a guy who said you have to drive like Ronnie in the city. He said that you have to be aggressive. Ronnie said you're a sitting duck to get your car destroyed if you don't. He said it's very nerve wracking. He said you get home and you want to kill someone. Ronnie said he killed Doug Goodstein in his dream last night. He choked him to death in the dream. Benjy asked what the reason was. Ronnie said he can't talk about it. He said it involves something that he and JD do.
Doug Goodstein came in and said that this hair thing is silly. He said he never puts a rinse in his hair. He did it once about 10 years ago and Robin called him out on it. He hasn't done it since.
Jon asked Ronnie what he's doing with his moustache. Ronnie said they'll know by Monday morning. They went to break after that.
Gary said that the entourage was entertaining too. They had Steven's daughter and the guy who watches his house in Boston. He had a bunch of people there with him. Jon said Steven is very involved with his business.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he interned with Aerosmith on their last record. He said the interview gave him the chills. Gary asked what he did as an intern. The caller said he did a lot of running and set up the microphones and things like that. He said he was working 5 hours before they showed up and stayed 5 hours after. He said Steven is a good guy but he's also a no bullshit kind of guy.
Jason came in and said that he is a huge Aerosmith fan and this was by far the best Aerosmith interview ever. He thought it was awesome and he was so nice. Jason said he and Jon interviewed him a couple of years ago for a music special and got to talk to him on the phone. Jason said that he heard from a guy who runs an Aerosmith Fan club and he said it was an awesome interview too. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:15am.
Win Fred's Money. 6/13/02. 9:45am
This guy Rick claims that he always beats Fred at this game when he plays along at home. Howard spoke to him for a short time and moved on to the game. He weighs over 400 pounds and claims that he's going to get his stomach stapled. He needs the money to pay for the saggy skin they'll have to do something with when he loses the weight. Howard said Rick really was a big guy. He said he didn't look that bad. Rick is married so Howard asked him some questions about how he has sex with his wife. He answered a few questions about that before talking about food. He said that when he hears Artie talking about food all the time he has flashbacks. He thinks that the cards are stacked against certain people like him and he can't eat like a normal person. Howard spent a little time talking about eating and how he has to starve himself to keep the weight off. Howard moved on to the game after that discussion.
Here's how the game goes. Fred is sent into Robin's sound-proof booth where they have music playing to keep him distracted. The player then has 60 seconds to answer 7 questions. If he gets them all they stop the clock. Fred then comes in and answers as many as he can. If there is a tie they go by whoever answered quickest. If the player wins he gets $10,000 courtesy of CBS.Sportsline.com. Here are the questions and answers:
Phony Incestuous Brother And Sister Couple Come In. 6/13/01. 9:15am
Howard had been promoting this brother and sister who make love to each other all morning. When they finally made it in Howard said it looked like the sister was going to cry. It turns out she had been crying for quite a while. The brother, who'd called in recently and said he wanted to get his sister implants, was all over the place. He was talking all over everyone and not letting anyone ask the sister what was up. It turns out the sister was brought there under false pretences. She was under the impression that she was going to be competing for implants on the show. She had no idea what her brother had done. Gary said that when he told her why she was there it looked like someone had punched her in the stomach. She never had sex with her brother and she thought the whole thing was disgusting. She ended up freaking out on her brother while he just rambled on and on about nonsense. He said something about her wanting to be a stripper at Al's Diamond Cabaret in Reading, Pennsylvania. She did say that was true but she couldn't get over the fact that he told Howard he'd slept with her. She told Howard she needs to pay for her schooling as a dental assistant and she wants implants to look a little better. Howard told her she was pretty hot and she doesn't need them.
Gary came in and read part of the letter that this guy wrote to the show about his sister. In it he said something about how they wanted to have kids together but they can't. Then the sister says that she's got 3 kids but they're not with her brother. He's their uncle! That's one of the reasons she wants the implants. She thinks they sag after having the 3 kids and wants them lifted.
The sister says that she now has to drive home 2 and a half hours with her brother and he's no longer going to be allowed in her home. She said he's not even going to be ''Uncle Alex'' anymore.
Alex stuck with his story for a little while but eventually admitted he did it all just to get on the show. He gave a few shout-outs to his buddies at Airborne Express in Pottstown, Pennsylvania.
Howard did have the sister take down her top so he could see just how bad the breasts were. He and Gary both agreed that they're fine and she could dance with them just the way they are.
After Howard was interrupted with the news of Bill dropping out of the ''Mitts on a Misfit'' game he had to wrap up the phony incest thing. The brother was way too annoying and unfunny to keep it going.
In the clip we heard Howard talking to Mark Harris about his life with Martha Raye. Howard asked why he hasn't just put a pillow over her face. Mark said they took her other leg off recently. She said she's without any pain at this time. He said she's rarely awake though.
Howard asked Mark if he has a boyfriend in Berlin. Mark said he does not. Howard asked if he's lying. Mark said he is suing The Globe over some of the stories they've written about him. Mark said they say in an article that he said something about going to screw some soldiers. He said they are just not right.
Howard asked how much money he's going to inherit when Martha dies. Mark said that it's almost all gone so it won't be much. Howard asked why he had a dance floor built for her if she doesn't have any legs. Mark didn't have an answer for that.
Howard said he heard that Mark was on the phone with Caesar Romero the day before he died. Mark said he was. He said he was on his way home when he spoke to him. Howard said Mark must be in all his glory now that he's got an in with all of these old stars. Howard said Mark sings songs that are of that era. Howard said Mark must wish he could have been an actor in the 30s and 40s. Howard said he has a clip of Mark singing one of his songs. He was singing ''Dear President Clinton.''
Howard said Mark is singing to the president about Martha getting a medal. Howard said Mark seems to think that Clinton should have done it immediately after getting into office. Mark said his lyrics are 100 percent true and accurate. Howard played a little more of the song.
Howard asked Mark if he was home when he recorded this. Mark said he was at Leo DeLion's home. He said he knows Leo is listening to the show now. He said Leo is in his 60s or 70s. Howard asked if they recorded it on a tape player. Mark said they used work tape or something like that.
Howard asked Mark if he has to share the bedroom with Martha. Mark said they have a very large bedroom actually. He said she's in a hospital bed. Howard asked if they share that bed. Mark said they do not. Mark asked Howard to continue with the song.
Howard did his impression of Mark talking to another old star and trying to pick her up. Howard had him telling her that he'd make sure that her name lives on.
Howard played more of Mark's song and wondered why Martha married him. Mark said Martha said that this has been the best time of her life. He said the nurses keep track of what she says and that's what they wrote.
Howard asked if he thinks the marriage will be contested in court. Mark said it shouldn't be. He said he didn't want to talk about why but he doesn't believe it will be.
Howard told Mark he could take Martha out with a pillow over her head. Howard played more of his song and laughed at what he was singing about.
Howard said he feels bad for Martha. Mark said he does too. Howard said he should wait out of respect for Martha to do anything. Mark said he's not doing anything with the people he goes out with. Howard told Mark to repeat after him and say he hasn't had gay sex during his marriage to Martha Raye. Mark said he has had bi-sex during his marriage. Howard wrapped up with Mark a short time later.
In the clip Howard made a call to this club where they had a message talking about the sexy gay club and gave out their specials. Howard listened to the message and they were saying that if you show your penis then you get in for half price.
Howard said he's the one who gets called outrageous and this is going on out there. Robin said she can't believe that little ad there. Howard asked how she'd like to work the door at ''uncut night'' there. Howard said that you have to whip it out to get your half price entry. Howard said he'd keep it in his pants and pay full price. Howard said Fred could get in for half price on that night. Howard asked Fred how his girlfriend reacts to that thing. Fred said she gives him half off.
Various Stuff. 6/13/02. 6:05am
Stuttering John and Artie went to a Yankee game last night. John came in to talk about what Artie ate when they went. He said the first thing Artie got was a shish-kebob with bread from a street vendor. He had a slice of pizza shortly after that. John was also eating some of this crap too. He said Artie then had a hot dog... and then 4 more in the sixth inning. As Howard was listening to this he said he must have some amazing bowel movements. Artie said that it's obvious that a man has been on the toilet when he's done. John continued the story and said that Artie had 7-9 Jack and water's but Artie claims it was only about 4. After the game they went to a restaurant and on the way there Artie got a slice of pizza. Howard said they have to weigh Artie now. They went to the restaurant and he ate more pasta and a salad. Howard seemed amazed by the amount of food he ate. John asked him if he ate when he got home from the game. He said he had one of these new big Kit-Kat bars that he loves. He said it was only one though.
Artie continued to talk about all of the stuff he likes to eat. Gary came in and said he has a 10 pound Nestle's Crunch bar that he wants to sit next to Artie for a few days. Artie looked at the label and it said that it's 90 servings per container. The guys want to see how long that candy bar will last sitting next to Artie.
Howard had Artie get on the scale they still had left from the Bally Total Fitness weight loss challenge. He weighed in at 214 pounds at the end of the challenge a few weeks ago. Today he weighed 230 with clothes on. He started the contest at 225 or so. The guys were amazed that he doesn't weigh more.
More Of Sal's Odd Behavior Exposed. 06/13/05. 7:30am
Comedian Shuli called in to ask Artie some questions about the therapy he was in over the weekend. He asked how long the session lasted. Artie said it was 2 hours and he did break down and cry when he was talking about his father. He also said that he felt good after the therapy. Shuli said that he thinks Artie is a really nice guy and won't say ''no'' to anyone and he ends up hurting himself instead of hurting the feelings of others. Shuli also asked Howard a question. He wondered who Howard would leave behind if he had to leave out one of the three new guys (Sal, Richard and Dan). Howard said he would leave Sal behind. That led to him talking about how Sal asked him about a picture that was in Esquire magazine. Sal kind of knew where the picture \was from even though Howard didn't have a clue. Some of the guys in the studio found it kind of funny and Sal didn't understand why they were laughing. Sal said he doesn't get why it was funny and figured that Howard would find it kind of flattering that he'd know so much. Sal talked about the outfit that Howard was wearing that day and how he didn't think his shoes matched the rest of the outfit. Sal knew a bit too much about that day. He was talking about Howard's ''Hamptons Pose'' that he was doing in the picture and then went over that day that he was out there. Sal said that Howard had gone to see ''Legally Blonde 2'' that day.
Shuli suggested that Howard line up 10 photos and have Sal tell them where they were taken. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. Sal was talking about Howard's calves and how he remembers seeing them in those pictures from the Hamptons. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that Sal asked him if they could come and pick him up to go somewhere and sit with them wherever they're going. Howard told Sal that he's retarded when he does that stuff. He said that Sal scares him with that stuff. Gary then asked Sal if it's true he's been snooping around trying to find out who Howard's shrink is because he wants to go the same guy. Sal said he has a perfect explanation for that. He said that he's not going to blow up anymore and he's going to be a nice guy. He said that after Howard read an email on the air about how he needs to get some help, he figured that Howard's shrink would be best at trying to figure out his problems because he knows Howard's problems. Howard said that Sal is trying to be with him way too much and if he sees his shrink or even finds out his shrink's name, he's going to fire him. Sal asked Howard if it's a guy or a woman. Howard said it's a woman and he's being dead serious. He doesn't want to fire him, but he will if he interferes with his personal life. Sal said that it's his personal life too. Howard told Sal that he's got nothing to do with his personal life though. Sal said he is part of Howard and Howard is part of him.
Sal said that he and Howard have similar thoughts so that's why the shrink would understand him like they understand Howard. Howard said that Sal wanted to be with him and Beth in the past, now he wants to be with him and his therapist. That led to them playing the ''Crazy'' song parody about Sal. Sal left the room while the song was playing. Howard took some phone calls after that and people were telling him to get rid of the guy already. They played another song parody about Sal's weird behavior. They had audio clips from when he was under hypnosis and was willing to touch Howard and service him if he had to. That was to the tune of Richard Marx's ''Right Here Waiting.''
Sal came back in and told the guys that the hypnosis was the worst thing that ever happened to him. He mentioned that he did a comedy gig this weekend and someone asked him if it was real. Rev. Bob Levy was there and told the woman that of course it was real, when most people go under hypnosis they turn into chickens, when Sal went under, he turned into a homo.
Artie asked Howard if it was true that he had invited Sal the Stockbroker to Scores last week. Howard told Artie it was true and explained to him how he got invited when Gary gave him a list of guys to invite. He walked out of the station wondering if he had just invited him. He'd also mentioned that Scott the Engineer was asked not to say anything to anyone when he left the studio. He was asking people if they were going after he was asked to stay quiet. Scott came in and said that he only said it to Ronnie the Limo Driver. Ronnie told Howard that Scott had said it to him but there were a bunch of people in the hall when he said it. Howard said that he almost didn't go to his buddy Ross' bachelor party because he didn't want Sal staring at him. Sal was telling Howard that he remembers seeing Howard wearing a light blue ringer t-shirt that day and that was creeping Howard out again.
A listener called in and told Howard that he used to be friends with this guy who was kind of like Sal and ended up trying to kill him. Howard said that whenever Sal is around, he wants Ronnie around to keep an eye on him. The caller told Howard to get rid of Sal now before he does kill him. Howard said he might want Sal to wear handcuffs when he comes in the studio. Ronnie told Howard that Sal was talking to Gary about the shrink thing and Sal said that he has to go to Howard's shrink because he knows everything about him. Ronnie told Sal that he's got to stop with this stuff because he is going to get fired. Sal asked to please get out of the conversation because he was getting scared. Howard told him that it could all stop if he just stopped doing this weird stuff. He told Sal that he has to go to a shrink but not his shrink. He doesn't want Sal sitting anywhere near him today and not behind him at all. Howard and the guys spent a couple more minutes talking about that but Howard had to take a break. He let Sal go but took another phone call before going to break. A listener called in and told Artie that he's great on the show and he shouldn't feel like a lottery winner because he was chosen to be on the show, they didn't draw his name from a hat or something like that. Artie thanked the guy for that. Howard took another call from a guy who asked Howard if he has an appointment with Dr. Kervorkian (wink wink) so maybe Sal should be going to see him. Howard is afraid that Sal is going to wig out and kill everyone there but he'd probably be safe. He thinks of himself as Jodie Foster while everyone else there is Ronald Regan to Sal's John Hinckley. Howard figures he's safe but no one else is. He went to break after that.
Louis C.K. Visits. 06/13/06. 9:25am
Howard had the guys bring in Louis C.K. who was there to promote his new TV show ''Lucky Louie.'' Louis came in and told George that he met him over at Conan O'Brien's show one time when he was working there. They spent a minute on that and then Howard congratulated Louis on his new HBO TV show that took him 2 years to get on the air.
Howard said he was reading his bio and a lot of fucked up stuff stands out. He claims that his parents sent him to a retarded kids camp one year, but Louis isn't retarded. He said that's similar to the story about Babe Ruth whose parents dumped him off in an orphanage when he was a young boy. Louis said that his parent made a mistake and dropped him at this camp not knowing that it was for retarded kids.
Howard asked Louis if he could have turned that retarded camp thing into something special because he must have been the most popular kid at camp. Louis said that didn't happen for him. He was only in 3rd grade at the time, but he did go back for 3 years. He said his dad sent him to try and toughen him up because he though he was a little ''soft'' back then.
Howard asked Louis if the people at camp ever asked him why he was there. Louis said that the camp was supposed to be for both retarded kids and regular kids but no one ever sent their normal kids there. His parents were the only ones who were dumb enough to send them there.
Louis said he never put any moves on the retarded girls there. He said he never even kissed a girl until he was a freshman in high school. He also talked about going to see hookers in New York City. He said there was one time he was out looking for motorcycle parts and ran across one of these street hookers. That was a long time ago when he was much younger. Artie said he and some friends got a whore to blow them and he shared one chick with a friend. Louis said he was filled with shame after doing something like that and wouldn't want anyone else around to see it.
Louis said he went to find this motorcycle shop and there was a woman hanging out the window and showing her tits so he waved back. She quickly came down and offered to blow him for eight bucks so he took her up on the offer. He had to give $20 to this guy to buzz them into the building which was condemned. The place was a mess and the windows were broken so the wind was blowing through the place in the middle of winter.
Louis said the woman had chunks of hair missing out of her hair. She put a condom on him and blew him. Then he got up to leave and some guy started heading his way so he tried to get out of there as fast as possible. He somehow escaped and heard the woman say ''Oh, we lost him...'' He figured that they were out to kill him at that point.
Howard read some other notes from Louis' bio and saw that there was a guy who lived in his neighborhood as a kid and would pick kids up in his Ford Pinto. He would offer teenage boys lunch so some kids would get in and go with him. Then he'd put his hand on their knee and tell them that he wanted to be their friend. Louis didn't get into that stuff though. He did said he got into drugs for a while.
Howard asked Louis about what he's getting paid working at HBO and if they pay as poorly as he's heard. Louis said he's doing pretty good for what he's doing. He told Howard that they're able to talk about just about anything on the show and even called God a cunt during a funny scene with Jim Norton, who used the word about 40 times, and HBO never said a word about it.
Howard read that Louis wrote the movie ''Pootie Tang'' so he spent some time talking to him about that. Louis told Howard about a meeting he had with the people who financed the film and how they yelled at him after seeing it for the first time. Louis said that all he wanted to do at the time was make movies and that dream was being ruined by these guys as they were yelling at him. He actually enjoyed having them yelling at him though and turned it into a good thing. He said surviving failure is an amazing thing. Artie said ''Tell me about it...''
Louis said he remembers watching Siskel and Ebert reviewing the movie and talking about how awful it was. Howard wondered why they released it at all. Louis said they did so because Chris Rock was very hot at the time. The movie has made its' money back since then and it's become a bit of a cult classic.
George Takei told Louis that his success is because of the attitude he has. His failures actually helped him get to where he is now. Howard asked Louis if he ever got any good looking hookers. Louis said he did have a couple, but he really didn't go to a lot of hookers.
Louis talked about going to therapy and how he had to get out of that because he hated to keep hearing himself talking about all of his shit. What he learned in therapy is that his wife is nuts. He said that he hasn't had sex with his wife since about March. The woman who plays his wife in the TV show is attractive but he said he didn't pick her just because of that.
Gary came in and asked Louis about an odd sexual encounter he had when he was 12. He read that he sat on a guy's back as the guy screwed the floor. Louis said that he was about 12 or 13 at the time and he had just jerked off for the first time and had something come out. A friend of his had just done it for the first time and did it in a strange way so he was asked to sit on the guy's back as he jerked off and he did it.
Howard thanked Louis for coming in and gave him a plug for his show ''Lucky Louie'' which airs Sunday night's at 10:30pm on HBO. You can get more info about his upcoming comedy shows at LouisCK.com
Louis told Howard about the first time he heard his show and how, at first, he was pissed off that they weren't playing music on the show. He wondered what that shit was and then Howard called Yoko Ono on some talk show and prank called her. That's when he realized how great the show was. Howard wished him luck with his show again. Artie is also happy for him because he's seen him working so hard to get his stuff going over the years. He remembered a movie that Louis made years ago and how great it was. Louis said that movie was never released and the only copy is sitting under his bed. Howard wrapped up a short time later and went to break.
Evil Dave Letterman Visits. 06/13/12. 7:20am
After the break Howard came right back and had Evil Dave Letterman in the studio. Howard said that he stands up for David Letterman over jay Leno. Dave said he just wanted to say that he thinks Steve-O is much better to have sex with than George Clooney. Howard said one thing he loves about Dave is that he lets his hair down when he's in. Dave said he knows Robin had surgery but he'd like to fuck her scar. Robin said that's about as dark as he can go. Robin told him no when Howard asked if he could do it.
Dave told Howard that he heard Drew Barrymore just got married so he'll have to get his car collection out of her vagina. He said he is a collector after all. Howard said Jay carries on with the cars all the time too. Dave said that he misses having sex with young college interns. He asked for some young women to meet him in Central Park today.
Howard said Dave used to have sex with people he worked with but now he has to play it on the straight and narrow. Dave said he has to run from Mayor Bloomberg now because he's trying to stick a straw up his ass. Dave also joked about Sal's teeth. Dave said he can't believe that Howard made up with Kathie Lee. He asked if the next thing will be him giving Jay Leno a blow job.
Dave and Howard talked about John Travolta. Dave said he'd like to be on America's Got Talent. He said he could wrap Howie Mandel's balls in tin foil and hum a Lady Gaga song.
Howard said Dave is on CBS TV at 11:35 at night. Howard said he has been on the show many times and he always enjoys himself. Dave said what sucks is that he has 48,000 rubbers left after buying them at Costco. He said he never thought he'd be caught cheating. Howard said now he's stuck with all of those rubbers. He could sell them on eBay.
Dave said he wants to vote for Obama but he's afraid that it will look like he has a fetish. Howard said he might vote for Romney then. Dave said he's going to call Jenny McCarthy's kid if she wants. He said he needs a hobby now that he can't cheat. Dave said he's willing to ''Ski-pipe'' with her kid. Howard said that's ''Skype'' but if he wants to ski pipe he can do that too.
Dave said that AGT is one big production. He asked if there are some really plain looking girls on the staff. Howard said Dave likes the brainy, plain looking girls. Dave said that's right. He said sometimes when all of the X's go off on AGT they should finger Sharon. Howard said he might be up on charges if he did that. Howard said this is very edgy material.
Howard asked Dave why he's not beating Jay Leno in the ratings. Dave said he's not sure. He asked what Sal did to his teeth because it looks like he has a toilet seat in his mouth. Dave asked if Robin could sell him her growth. Robin said she thinks that they cut it up and made it into slides. She said maybe she'll sell him one of those.
Dave said he thinks he could be on AGT. He said he once stuck 136 chopsticks in his ass. Howard said he'd fit right in. Robin asked if he saw the squirrel water skiing last night. Dave said he didn't see that. Howard said he thinks that they did the right thing by not putting that act through.
Dave asked what JD does at the block party shows. He asked if he just stands there getting fatter. Howard said that's a good question. He said that Dave seems to know every detail of the show. Dave said he does listen all the time. Dave said he thinks that Howie Mandel's head is so round and smooth that he could fit it in his ass with no problem at all. Dave asked if the studio has been disinfected since George Takei was there. He doesn't want to catch ''gay Asian.''
Howard asked if Dave would have Jerry Sandusky on his show. Dave said it depends on what his agent would say. Howard said he doesn't think he has an agent. Howard said he may have a lawyer. Howard asked Dave to say hi to Paul for them. Dave said he'll do that. Dave said that Obama gets him hard like a white teenager. Howard said Dave is very edgy on this show.
Howard said that Dave could get edgy like this on his show. Dave said he always gets hungry when he watches Jon Hein's Fast Food Mania but only from watching Jon's crotch, not from the food.
Dave said the more he hears Rihanna talk the more sympathy he has for Chris Brown. Howard asked Dave what time he gets to the studio to work. Dave said he gets there around 10 and then he naps. He said then they do the writing and get things taken care of. Howard thanked Dave for coming in and wished him luck ''ski piping.'' Howard said it was good talking to him.
Howard said he had a question for him on the phone. The caller told him to keep Dave on script. He said he keeps fucking up. Howard said this is all ad libbed with Dave. The caller told him to stay on script. The caller asked where Dave has been. Howard said that certain people are letting him come in today. Dave asked where his fuck room was and then said that kid Will has some ass on him. Howard thanked him again for coming in and let him go.
Howard got back to Dave for a few seconds and asked if he had any more words. Dave asked Robin to be his tenderoni. Howard said Dave knows every reference on the show. Howard said for anyone who thought that was the real Dave, it was not. Howard said it's an illusion. He said he's not sure how many people know that.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 8:55am.