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Howard started the show talking about how he's not trying to change the opening song for the show. He said they are having a theme song contest but this isn't really their theme song. He said he's not sure what they're really doing. Robin asked what they're going to use the theme song for. Howard said he doesn't know. He said they're using this song to introduce the show every morning. Howard said they'll find a use for the theme song at some point.
Howard said they have Amy Schumer and Mark Wahlberg coming in today. He said he has a lot of other stuff to get to today too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw that Howard lost his appeal with the lawsuit. Howard said he did. He said he's at the end of the road now. He said he has lost and that's the end of the road. He said he's sick over it. Howard said he's literally sick. Howard said he feels it coming on. He said he has a scratchy throat and he's going into a full on cold situation. He said he might have to take on Robin's philosophy and do whatever she does. Robin said she's not sure about that.
Howard asked Jason to bring in some hot water for his throat. Howard said it wasn't cheap to file an appeal. He said he joined up there at Sirius because he was made a partner. He said he was getting paid on how many subscribers they had. He said he felt he was owed money when they merged. He said they threw his first case out and then he appealed and that was thrown out too. Howard said he thinks that the judges just didn't want him making more money than he's making.
Howard said he has 2 more years there and then he's going to go off and develop another company. He said he's going to be careful about the wording of his next contract. He said he's going to do his best for two more years there and then it's upwards and onwards. Howard said the contract said something about a merger but that was for a different payment.
Howard said the wording for the merger was just in case XM took them over and threw them out of there. Howard said he ended up getting defeated. Howard said he saw that some of the senior members there took out millions and they didn't do a fucking thing there. Howard said he has lost and he has to be a good sport. He said he has to go with what the court says. He said his ass is grass.
Howard said once you have to rely on a guy whose eyes are popping out of his head because of what he earns then you're in trouble.
The caller said that this is the same system that took more than six months to okay the merger. Howard said it took a lot longer than that. The caller said that the company is SiriusXM and not XM Sirius. Howard said the company takes money from the same pot and all he was asking for was a day in court. He said he got whipped as bad as he could get whipped. He said he got it in summary judgment. Robin said she's shocked at what does get to go through. Howard said he just has to move on in his life. He said he's bitter but he'll put a smile on his face and move on. He said it's all fake anyway. He said he's putting on a face. He said he was cursed with this face he has. Robin told him to stop it.
Howard said he has to shoot his hideous face with angles that are like trying to land on the moon. He said he posted a picture of his feet on Twitter over the weekend because that's his only good feature.
Howard said he's so sorry he signed up for a second season of America's Got Talent. He said they say it's only 31 days but it's going on and on. He said he's not sure what the other judges do but god bless them. He said he's just a guy who gets worn out easy. He said on Monday they had them on the Today show and then working until 10 at night. He said he has to go to Los Angeles on Friday. He said he never gets a vacation. He's working while he's off. He said he thought it was going to be fun but it's not. He said they have new producers there and they have new energy that he just doesn't have. He said he's just a judge.
Howard said he doesn't want to banter. He said Howie likes that so let him do it all he wants with Heidi and Mel B. Howard said he's just a judge. Howard said he doesn't like talking to the press but they have him talking to them for two hours at a time. Howard said they ask the same questions over and over. Robin said it's too many shows and too many outlets. Howard said he's sick over the whole thing. He said he doesn't know what he's going to do.
Howard said he's just stressed from the lawsuit and work. He said that next time he signs a contract he's going to have every single thing written out. Robin said when you see things like this you know why the rich get richer. Robin said the execs gave themselves 5 cent stock. Howard said that he had his Oprah moment and then the court took it away from him. Howard said that's enough of the lawsuit because if you bring it up it's going to make him nuts. Howard said that's his statement sand that's it.
The caller said that Oprah knows how to make a deal. Howard said she knows how to get it done. Howard said he just farted. He said he's farting, coughing and he's just agitated.
Howard said he's so busy plotting and planning his show and the executives there are managing people. He said they could throw out the rest of the gang there and no one would notice. He said there are executives making $275 million and $30 million there. He said something is wrong there.
Howard said he went to bed at 8 last night so he wouldn't be sick. He said he was up by midnight. He said he was going to take an Ambien but he was afraid that it wouldn't be enough sleep. He said even when he did take it he was still up early. He said he wants to hang himself. Howard said he's just not himself today. He said he's had it.
Howard said he has to go to L.A. with his wife and he's not going to be fun out there. He said he won't have time to go to dinner. Howard said on Monday they want to do a commercial shoot and then they want to do other meetings in the afternoon. He said he keeps saying yes to this crap because he doesn't want to be a pain in the ass.
Howard said he did the Today show on Monday and AGT isn't even on the air yet. He said he was sitting next to Matt and he was going to say stuff to him but he didn't want to hog the time. He said he doesn't like the group interviews. Howard said he doesn't want to offend anyone. He said they complain about him talking too much and then he complains about them talking too much. Howard said he doesn't want to go out and promote the show but he has to. He said he's really not a team player.
Howard said he has to do the radio channels too and he just doesn't want to be involved. Robin said that people like Ryan Seacrest never seem to complain. Howard said that's because he never does anything creative. Howard said he's everything that he can't stand. He said he's a nice guy but he's just an announcer. Howard said if everything was written down for you then how hard would work be? Robin said he does work a lot. Howard said he's also a lot younger than him. Robin said Howard has always complained like this. Howard said he used to have endless energy.
Howard said he thinks that this judge just thought he was already making too much money and didn't want him to make more.
Howard said he had some audio of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert on the show. He said they would argue and they were just miserable together. Howard played the clip where they were all talking about movies and Roger yelled at Gene for not letting him talk.
Howard said Roger was once on the show and they weighed him and he flipped out when they put him on a scale and he had gained weight. Howard played a clip from that day too. Roger claimed he was 261 pounds. Roger said he was going with 268 at best. Gary said that he was at 271. Howard told Roger to give him the 20 bucks. Roger said he was wearing clothes so that must explain it.
Howard said at least Roger doesn't have to sit through Lindsay Lohan's ''Scary Movie 5.'' He said he must be happy about that.
Howard took a call from Bobo and said he saw Bobo out at the AGT auditions. Howard said they started out slow but they found some great talent. Bobo said it was great seeing him on the red carpet at the Today show. Bobo said that Howard looks great. Howard said that's coming from a guy with an awful hair piece.
Bobo said that he appreciates Howard moving things along on the show. He said he likes that. Howard said they have four judges now and some of the contestants are verbose so he just wants to end it all. He said if it was his show he would tell people to get off the stage and shut up. He said he has to allow the nonsense to continue.
Robin said that there is no nonsense on the live shows. Howard said she's right about that. Robin asked if the other judges are trying to prove themselves. Howard said they're doing fine with the judging. He said the new judges are fine. He said Mel B is very good. He said she gives her opinion and it's bright and intelligent. He said it's fine but it's a long day. He said if you add in one more judge then it's even longer.
Howard said Mariann from Brooklyn was there too. He took a call from her. Mariann said he looked fine and she was sorry she was up his ass at the Today show too. Howard said he didn't want to hear it and hung up on her when she was talking about his looks.
Howard took another call from a guy who said he forgot what he was going to ask. Howard ended up hanging up on him a few seconds later. Howard said he really has to take a break. He said that he's feeling sick and he's going to be sick out in Los Angeles. He said the illnesses always last 2 or 3 weeks for him.
Howard said today is the third anniversary of the first time Little Lupe went on the Sybian. Howard said he thinks she's now a musician. He said she's not in porn anymore. Howard played a clip from that day Lupe was on the show and rode the Sybian. They had some of the interview and then her ride on the Sybian.
Robin said she had forgotten that the creepy guy, Dave Lampert, was there. Howard said he wasn't there. That was Fred playing clips of him. Howard went to break after that.
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Howard came back as Fred was starting to play a clip with Chyna the wrestler in it. Howard said that was enough of JD and Chyna.
Howard read through some notes about what he wanted to talk about. He said he saw Rachel Maddow on Letterman and she was wearing false eyelashes. He said that surprised him. He said he didn't think she would care. Howard said Letterman is into her. Robin said that is Dave's type. Howard said she really is. Howard said she has that look with the short hair and glasses.
Howard said he had some tape to play this morning. He said he had a bunch of Baba Booey mentions at the Masters. He has all of them condensed. Howard said there's a Tiger Woods controversy and Gary was telling him about that. Howard said that they're calling him a cheat. Robin said that's what they're saying in the paper about him. Howard said Gary watches endless golf so he can explain it.
Gary came in and said that Tiger dropped the ball 2 feet behind where it should have been dropped. He said he thought it was too wet. He said that the officials thought it was fine so he signed his score card. He said that's a big deal. Gary said after he signed the card he did an interview later in the day. He said that he explained that he moved the ball back and he wasn't trying to hide it. He said that the dispute is that they don't believe that he'd make a mistake like that.
Gary said they have a rule that was added in 2011 that says they can look at it and give him a 2 stroke difference. He said that he could have been up there at the end but those two points put him back. Howard said he zoned during that explanation. He said that he heard that during the break and it was fine.
Gary said that the whole thing happened when Tiger hit the pole and bounced into the water. Howard said he really doesn't care about golf. He said he realized that while Gary was explaining it. He said he just can't handle the whole discussion.
Howard said he does like the Baba Booeys during the games. He played one where a guy let out a very clear ''Baba Booey'' as a golfer hit the ball. Howard played a second one that came out very clear too. Howard said that was during Tiger's shot. Howard said it's best to do them during his shots because they make it on TV. Gary said there was one on the 17th hole that was a big deal because everyone was watching. Howard played another one where a guy got in a subtle one. Howard said he liked that one.
Howard said that golf has become Baba Booey. He said that they should do that at bowling games too. Gary said no one watches bowling. He said it's on ESPN2.
Howard played another one where a guy let out a quick Baba Booey during Adam Scott's shot. Howard said he likes that people are doing that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Gary was wrong about the whole Tiger Woods thing. He said they were giving him options for where he could take the shot from. He said he dropped the ball too far back from where the shot was. Gary said that's what he said. The caller said Gary said he illegally moved the ball. Howard said he didn't care. The caller and Gary argued a little bit and Howard let the guy go a short time later. Howard said that was a waste of time. He said he hates golf. Howard said he doesn't care about it.
Howard said Bubba Watson was crying over getting his green jacket. Howard played some audio of him crying. He broke down during a press conference. Howard let the clip play and said he would never cry over anything in radio like that.
Howard said Carrie Ann Inaba broke down over Andy Dick's dancing on Dancing with the Stars. JD told Howard that Andy was telling them about how he was doing the dance for his daughter. Howard said it's hard to take Andy seriously. He said Carrie Ann must have fallen for it. Howard played some of the audio of Carrie crying.
Howard played a bit they created where they have Ass Napkin Ed reminding everyone to pay their taxes. Ed was talking about all of the stuff that he uses his SSI money for while everyone is paying taxes to pay for that SSI. Howard said that's a special message from Ed where he reminds you that he's going to keep fucking porn stars and drinking blackberry wine.
Howard said there are some celebrities who want to pay more in taxes. Howard said it's crazy what's going on with the taxes. He said there are some people who don't pay a dime. Howard played another bit where they had Jeff the Drunk reminding people to pay their taxes. He said he hasn't worked in about 20 years and the tax payers are paying for him too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Kathie Lee was saying something about AGT when Howie was on her show. Howard said he didn't see anything negative from her. He said people just want to get him riled up. Robin said there was a clip at the start of the show where they had some slaps at some of the stuff Howard used to say about people he's made up with. Howard said that's his crack staff. He said he has to get on that.
Howard said some wacky teacher decided to take her class and write a paper about being a Nazi. He said that they had to make an argument for executing the Jews. Howard said people are so stupid. He said you just have to stick to the syllabus and do your job. He said that they put their own thoughts into the curriculum. He said that some of them are just dumb. Robin said she had some good teachers in high school but now she realizes why we're turning out the way we are.
Howard said that this is Topless protest month. He said that Robin can get topless any time if she needs to.
Howard said he also read that Clay Aiken was being stalked by a woman. Howard and Robin spent a minute talking about that.
Howard said that they had a story about Hugh Jackman was being stalked too. Robin said he was approached in a gym and he ended up running when he thought the woman was pulling a weapon on him.
Howard said he was being asked about Margaret Thatcher after she died. Howard said he was talking about what he thought of her and he went on and on about it. He said he was reflecting on her and then he put on Howard 100 News and they had a headline about Debbie the Pet Lady and Ass Napkin Ed making up. He said he immediately forgot about Margaret Thatcher's death. He said he was way more into Ed and Debbie. He said he had to take a break after that.
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Howard came back and said he had some tape of a person talking about a hail storm in a news report. He played the clip and this woman was explaining what the hail sounded like to her. She was going nuts talking about how it sounded and describing the sounds. She said it was like ''Ka-poo-ya!''
Howard said he has other things to get to now. Howard said he got some email about the movie reviews he wants his parents to do. He said he had a conversation with his mom and he realized they just don't want to do anything on the air anymore. He said they're not any fun. He said his dad is about to be 90 and his mom is 85. He said they just don't get the joke. Howard said he needs new parents for the air. He said his mother was telling him that they're not movie reviewers and she didn't get it. He said that's what's funny but she didn't think they had any opinions. Howard said she said ''Well...'' and as soon as he hears that he knows it's over. Howard did more of his impression of her and goofed on that for a short time. Howard said he told her they were going to send her Les Miserables and she said she hadn't seen it yet. He said his dad didn't know what movie she was talking about so he had to ask.
Howard said she won't just say no. He said that the whole thing is weird. He said he sent them 3 movies and said they were going to call them but then his mom got upset and he doesn't want that. He said he thought it would be fun but it's really not fun for them. Robin said it must not be fun for them.
Howard said he was trying to tell them that it would be funny to hear a review from them but they didn't get it. Howard did his impressions of his mom and dad for a few minutes.
Robin asked about the interviews he did with his parents. Howard said Doug and the guys are going to edit it for him. He said he's doing it for his kids and he doesn't have a lot of time for that. He said he's trying to keep it off the air for the kids... for once in his life.
Howard said they got an email from a guy who said that he's gotten off of drinking because of the show. Howard read a few details from that letter. Howard said that's a very positive thing they've done.
Howard said he had some songs about Robin and some that aren't about her. Howard said Eli Braden did a Maroon 5 song about how many chicks he bangs. Howard played that one and
Howard said Dan Aykroyd is a fan of the show and the news department was all over him when he was up there while they were away. Howard played some audio of Dan talking about what he thinks about Howard. Dan said the word for Howard is that he's courageous and very influential. Howard said he likes Dan and he's happy to hear that. He said he knows the guy gets shit for some of the movies he's done but he has to make a living.
Howard said he has a song parody about Benjy's tits. Howard played that song and it was to the tune of Bennie and the Jets. Howard said he thinks that Benjy could work those tits off if he worked out. Robin said that should be his theme song any time they have to talk to Benjy. Howard told Fred to do that.
Howard said he had a JD song from Little Mikey. It was to the tune of the Chicken Dance. Robin said that might have to be his theme song. Howard had another one about JD that could have worked as his theme song.
Howard said he has to talk to Eli Braden about that song. He said he's singing about having gay sex with JD in that one and in others too. Howard played another one from Eli where he was talking about fucking JD. Howard said that confused him a little bit. Howard said Eli wrote a Baba Booey song too. He played that one but it was just Baba Booey and no gay sex references.
Howard said he had another JD song parody. He played that one next. Then he played another JD song from Eli Braden where he sings about how fucking strange the guy is.
Howard said that there's a chick from Saved by the Bell by the name of Lark Voorhies. He said she was on Entertainment Tonight talking weird. He played the audio of her rambling about people worrying on her behalf and not making much sense as she did it. Robin said her family announced that she's having some mental issues. Robin said she says she's not. Howard said he can tell her she is.
JD came in and said that was Lark trying to come out against the claims that she's got issues. Howard said that was her explaining that she was fine. Howard just said ''Wow.''
Howard had another song parody about JD to the tune of the Brady Bunch theme song. Howard played that and then got to a game they can play. He said he has some clips he's going to play and Robin had to guess what the disgusting sound was. Howard played one that was a sucking sound. Robin asked if it was something being sucked out of something. Howard said it was actually an anal fisting video. He said that was someone's fist up a woman's ass. Robin said it sounds terrible when you put it in context.
Howard played a commercial parody where they had Eric the Midget as a talking doll that refuses to do anything you ask it to do. It was called ''Little Eric the Disagreeable Doll.''
Howard said they went out on the street and asked people if they were upset about the possible invasion of ''South'' Korea instead of North Korea. Howard played the interviews and the people they were talking to didn't know what they were talking about but they acted like they did. Howard said no one was able to pick up on that mistake between South and North.
Howard said Psy has put out a new song and we knew he only had one good song in him. Howard said this new one is called Gentleman. Howard played that and said it's kind of reminiscent of Gangnam Style. Howard said the video is weird because he rubs his ass and then puts it in some woman's face. He said he's trying to get that viral video thing going again. Howard said he's trying to get it going again but he doesn't think it's going to work. He said this is going to ruin the guy. He said it's over.
Howard said Mark has his hand wrapped. Mark said he was bitten by something horrible in Miami at the premier. He said he sat down at the premiere and something stung the crap out of him. He said there was a stinger in his hand and the next day his pinkie got swollen up. He said that he has been icing it ever since. He said that he has been taking medication for it and all of that. He said he took some Benedryl too. He said that he was supposed to play Golf yesterday and he wasn't able to do that. Howard said he has it really good. Mark said he's not going to complain.
Howard asked about this new movie he's in. Mark said it's good. He's in the movie with Dwayne Johnson. Mark said the movie is based on a true story. He told Howard about what it's about and how three body builders get into a steroid thing. Howard said Mark had to bulk up for this movie. Mark said he had to get up to 212 pounds and he was down to 165 before that. He said he was developing his line of protein powders at the time. He said that they talked about that last time he was on.
Howard asked Mark if Michael Bay tells him what to do in the movie or does he do what he wants. Mark said he had a great take on the part and he brought a lot himself. Howard said he heard he picked a weird voice to do for the part. Mark said he tried all kinds of accents. He said he wanted to disguise his voice and he did a southern accent and then tried a Hispanic accent. He said they didn't know he was going to do it until they shot the scene. He said he only did that in some parts of the movie.
Howard said Mark was there last to promote Ted and that turned out to be great. Mark said he will only come in there when he's got a good one out. He said this new one is good too.
Howard said he heard that the Academy Awards bit they did with Ted took like 6 months to film. Mark said they shot it a month before. He said it took a couple of hours. He said he did his lines and Seth did his for Ted. Howard said it must be difficult to work with a cartoon character. Mark said Seth makes it a lot of fun. He said that they're doing a sequel to Ted. He said they've grossed $550 million already and that's huge for an R-rated movie. He said they have the bear out as a toy too. Howard asked if he got a piece of the back end. Mark said he's very fortunate.
Howard asked Mark what he's worth. Mark said he doesn't know. Howard asked if he invests in stock. Mark said he buys weed and flips it and puts it back on the street. Howard said Mark quit smoking weed because of his kids. Howard said he read that his daughter said something to him about that. Mark said she smelled a skunk one day and she said that daddy smells like that sometimes. He said he stopped smoking after that. He said he liked it though. Howard asked if he wanted to smoke it during the shooting of Ted. Mark said he smoked the fake stuff during Ted and it was awful.
Howard said Mark is a religious man and he's got kids and doesn't smoke weed now. Robin said he'll crack some day. Mark thanked her for praying for him. Howard asked if he's going to church every day now. Mark said he prays every day. He said he went to church yesterday. He said he's doing it for his wife and kids.
Howard asked Mark if he's getting any side pussy. Mark said absolutely not. Howard said he's not going to get any with that hand.
Howard asked Mark about the new Pope and if he's happy about that guy. Mark said he's fine with it. He said that he doesn't base his religion on the church. He bases it on Jesus.
Howard asked Mark if he signed up to do the next Transformers. Mark said he did. Howard asked if Shia Lebouf walked away. Mark said he has no idea. He said he worked with Michael Bay on this movie and he asked him if he wanted to do the Transformers thing.
Mark said that he did four movies last year and it was a lot of work. He said he had to go up and down in weight so that was tough. Howard said it must be tough at home with all of that going on. mark said that this all came together at once because it was stuff he wanted to do. Howard asked what his wife thinks about all of that. Mark said that she and the kids came to visit him on the set in Florida. He said that they were there for 3 weeks.
Howard said Mark's wife is great. He said that Mark and his brothers used to share women. Mark said he's very possessive with his wife. Mark said he used to help the guys out in his neighborhood when he was growing up. He said he's probably responsible for 30 guys losing their virginity. mark said he didn't share. He said once he was done with them he'd pass them off to his friends. Mark said all of that stuff is overrated. Howard asked if it's a struggle.
Mark told Howard about a call he got to do a movie one time and he thought he was going to be playing the young guy and he wanted to get someone like Jack Nicholson to play the old guy. It turns out they wanted him to play the old guy.
Howard said he heard he turned down the part of Kirk's father in Star Trek the movie. Mark said he couldn't see it. He said he has to identify with the character on a personal level or he can't do it. He said he admires JJ Abrams' talent though.
Howard said that he has read about Elliot Gould being really difficult to work with and that's why he stopped getting work. Mark said he tries to be a good guy to work with.
Howard asked Mark about this water he has out with Diddy. Mark said that it can be very lucrative. He said they just launched it and they're taking meetings with retailers. He said he's got a vitamins and supplements line going too.
Howard asked Mark if he's taking over the Transformers franchise and if that scares him at all. Mark said he's not worried about it. He said he thinks that they can do something interesting and different. Mark said that they had a great time working on this new movie Pain & Gain and he thinks that will translate with Transformers. Mark said he hasn't even read the script yet.
Howard asked Mark about his kid learning the word ''shit'' from the Transformers movie and now he won't let the kid see any of them. Mark said his wife won't. He said that he can't even watch the TV in the kitchen because it has a code on it and he doesn't have the code.
Howard asked Mark if he was ever into porn. Mark said he wasn't. Howard said he was just watching it last night. He asked Mark if he would do Boogie Nights all over again if he had to. Mark said he doesn't want that stuff to limit him so he thinks he would do it. Mark said he did some pretty outrageous stuff in Pain & Gain. He said he's off the charts crazy in the movie. He said Dwayne is very crazy too with his character.
Howard said he read that Mark was part of a charity that Jerry Sandusky was part of. Mark said he has to do background checks on that kind of stuff now. He said he had no idea what was going on with that guy. Howard asked if he ever met Jerry. Mark said he never did. He said he wasn't that closely involved.
Howard said Pain & Gain is opening on April 26th in theaters everywhere. Howard said he seems to be on a roll. Mark said the movie is very original and outrageous. He said people are really enjoying it.
Howard said that some of the victims of the characters they play aren't too happy about what went on. Mark said they're telling the story from the criminal's point of view. He said they weren't so bright so there is some humor in it. He said that they once killed some people and they bought a chain saw to cut them up and then returned it to Home Depot with DNA in the chain. He said the characters they play are now in jail on death row. They weren't too bright.
Mark told Howard and Robin about some of the other crazy stuff that went on with these characters. Howard said it sounds so ridiculous that it sounds fake. Mark said they said it was based on a true story and even he didn't believe it the first time he read the script. He said some of the stuff was so crazy that they had to take it out of the movie because it was so unbelievable.
Howard asked if Mark is for the death penalty. Mark said that's tough. He said it would depend on the case. Howard said he sees how screwed up the courts are and he sees that they kill people who are innocent. Mark said there are people who spend their whole life in prison for something they didn't do.
Howard asked if his kids are really popular in school because of who their dad is. Mark said he doesn't think so. Howard asked if people want to hang out with him all the time. Mark said they don't care about him that much. He said the kids go to a nice school but it's not a big celebrity thing.
Howard asked Mark about picking up the phone and calling Justin Bieber to get his kids to meet him. Mark said he can do that. Mark said he brought his daughter to a Kid's Choice Awards show and he asked for a picture with a kid and the kid said ''Yeah, make it quick dude.''
Howard told Mark about asking Paul McCartney for an autograph for his daughter and he was humiliated when he said no to him. He said that he did it in front of his daughter. Howard said Paul is a great guy and he's been on the show a bunch of times. Howard said that you do that kind of stuff for kids that you normally wouldn't do.
Howard asked what kind of money Mark thinks they're going to make. Mark said they're watching what's going on. He said it only cost $25 million to make. He said that Iron Man is coming out the week after. He said he hopes it'll run through most of the summer. Howard wished him luck with that. Mark told him to try his line of products too. He said he brought him some of that stuff. Howard said nothing works for him. Robin said maybe this will.
Howard asked Mark about boxing and working out in his home gym. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard that Mark has to go. Mark said maybe Howard and Gary can have a contest to see who can bulk up with his products. He said he brought them there so they wouldn't have to go out and buy them at GNC or Walgreens. Howard wished him luck with the movie and let him go a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Amy Schumer is stopping by. He said she has her own show called ''Inside Amy Schumer'' on Comedy Central. Amy came in and said that she's had some ups and downs. Howard said that's what he heard.
Howard said he heard that Amy broke up with Anthony Jeselnik. Amy said it looked good on paper. Howard said last time she was there they had audio of her talking about how she didn't care if he fucked other people. In the clip she was talking about how much she loved him.
Howard asked what happened. Amy said he is a terrific guy. She said they were long distance and it was tough. She said that she wants a best friend who is rooting for her. She said she's in New York and he's in L.A. and no one is moving. She said that it was very much both of them breaking up. She said he called her to have a conversation and they broke up. Amy said that it was pretty uneventful. She said it's still pretty new though so she's still processing it all. She said she's kind of bitter right now so she's trying to work it all out. Amy said that Anthony has his own TV show and it's working very well for him. She said her show is replacing his in his time slot but just while it's off.
Amy cursed and wondered if that was okay. She forgot she was on Sirius. Howard asked her about going on Jimmy Fallon and how that went. She said that Chris Rock told her that she had to go out there and kill because Jimmy is going to be the host of the Tonight Show. Amy said she went on and killed and worked very hard getting ready for it. Howard said sometimes you just have to go on and talk. She said this was her first time going on and paneling so she had to prepare. She said she pretended that she dated all of the Roots. Howard said she still hasn't had sex with a black man. She asked how he knew. Howard said she talked about that last time she was on. Amy said she feels like a racist just being with a white man. She said she wants her pussy to become like the U.N. She said she wants it to be like a youth hostel down there. She said she really would like to get some other people in there.
Howard said maybe she should get a woman. Amy said she's not looking to lick a pussy. Howard asked if she'd be okay with a woman licking her pussy. She said that would be fine.
Amy said she heard Howard mention that he likes doctor / patient porn and she gets that. She said she likes it too. She said she goes through phases where that's all she wants to watch. Howard said he thinks it's great. He said he loves it. Amy said that's the one porn she'd want to live out with a girl. Amy said she used to like watching gang bangs but she'd never want it to happen.
Howard asked Amy about this new show she has. Howard said it's called Inside Amy Schumer and it's premiering on April 30th on Comedy Central. She said she's doing sketches and interviews with people that you don't get to see very often. She said she's also out on the road again doing comedy. Amy said she thinks the show is really funny and she wants people to see it.
Howard asked if she writes the show herself. Amy said she has some writers. She said they shot 10 shows and they're all done. Amy said she was just gone for the whole time they were shooting the show. Howard asked if she fired anyone. Amy said she did. It was just one person. She said she loved everyone on the crew. She said that it was just one dude who she had to get out of there. She said she likes to control that stuff. She said she didn't have to do the firing herself. She said she told someone that they had to get rid of him and they took care of it.
Howard asked if the guy came to her and said he was just fired. Amy said he didn't. She said that the guy smelled bad so that's why she had to get rid of him. She said that happens more often than you'd like. Howard said he'd have to fire 90 percent of his guys if that was the case. Howard said every single one would be fired.
Howard asked Amy about working hard on the show and then going out spreading the word. Amy said she's fighting to do that. She said she's doing the late night shows and the ladies magazines. She said that people ask her in interviews how she has the confidence to get up there. She said that they don't ask dudes that but with women they do. Howard asked what magazines she has to do. Amy said she's doing them all. She said that they're so negative too. He said they have Jessica Alba on the cover and then they tell women they're worthless if they don't look like that. Robin said they have articles about how to keep your man from cheating on you.
Howard asked Amy about the Jack Black roast she did recently. Howard said he wanted to see it but he didn't go. Amy said that she and Jerry Lewis had a strange interaction. She said he was talking about how unfunny women are and how dark he can be. Amy said she was joking about Jerry and how this was going to be his last Roast. She said that Jerry was laying women down on the stage and pretending to fuck them. She said that he would pretend to fuck them and she didn't think that he'd do it to her. Amy said she went up and had a great set. She said Jerry was laughing at her and then she saw him coming over to her. He ended up trying to push her down and she just didn't go. He whispered to her to just lay down and she told him no. Amy said it was so creepy. She said that people were not laughing at the struggle. She said that she talked to Rock about this at the Cellar too. She said that she just didn't want to do it. Amy said that takes all of the power out of your bit.
Amy said that Jerry got up at the end and said that in his day they didn't have to be dirty. She said one guy clapped. Amy said that Sarah Silverman played along with him when he did the fake fucking thing. Howard said that's like a dude trying to dominate you and pretending to fuck you. Amy said she thinks he did it to Jack Black at the end too.
Howard said he would just take Jerry and fuck him for real in the ass just to teach him a lesson. Howard said it's so funny because Jerry is brilliant in the old films. He said he's all caught up in it and he's really angry at women. He said it's really weird. Amy said his is especially terrifying.
Howard asked what Amy said about Jack. Amy told Howard some of the jokes she told about Jack. She had some jokes about his weight and about his band Tenacious D.
Amy told Howard that Saget had the best joke. She said he said that if she didn't make too big of a suction sound standing up then she should come up to the microphone.
Howard asked Amy if she's fucked anyone since Anthony. Amy said she made out with a guy but that was it. She said that was nice though. Amy said she hasn't fucked any other comedians. Howard said he's not sure how he'd make out and not end up fucking. Amy said this guy isn't a comic. She said that he's had a lot of pussy thrown at him and he isn't rushing into anything. Amy said that the guy is really cute. She said they've gone out on dates over the years.
Robin said when women have sex with a guy they get attached. Amy said that once she orgasms then she asks if they're soul mates.
Howard said last time she was there she was talking about fucking a boxer. She said she went out to dinner with him recently. She said his wrestling name is Dolph Ziggler.
Howard said Amy was on Girls and he doesn't remember that episode. Amy told Howard which one it was. Howard asked how she got the part. She said she auditioned for the pilot and they offered her this role. She said that she didn't have to audition after that. They just offered her this part.
Howard said she was on Louie too. Amy said she did that and it was great. Howard asked why she won't go out with Louis CK. Amy asked Howard if he really thinks that's a good idea. She said that it would be a storm of narcissism. She said she doesn't want to date another comedian. She said it's just too much. Amy said that you don't want someone who went through the same stuff as you did. Howard said it's tough to be around comedians because of that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he could play a patient to her doctor. Amy didn't seem to like that idea.
Howard took another call from a guy who said if he was with her he'd be using her panties as a coffee filter. Amy gave him an ''Aww'' when she heard that. Howard said he doesn't get that reference. Amy got it and said that he just wanted a hint of her pussy in his coffee. Howard asked if he minded a little ass juice in there too. The caller said that would be fine. He asked if she has any comic friends. She said that she has a bunch actually. Amy said that you almost have to be a comic to be a friend. She said you speak the same language.
Howard asked if the comics out there are happy that Whitney's show didn't work out for her. Amy said she doesn't think so. She said that Whitney is a sweetheart and she works really hard.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if she likes Chelsea Handler. Amy said that she's very funny. Amy said people always ask about her looks too like that really matters.
Another caller said that when Howard is in a pissy mood or he's sick then he does great shows. The caller asked Amy about how her arm fat is doing. Howard said that's not right. Amy said he never has to worry about fucking her. She said this is how she looks and she's not going to get an eating disorder so embrace this shit. She said she's cute and funny and this is it. She said she's a great time to fuck too. Amy said if you want a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape then go for it. She said this isn't it though. Amy asked if she should cut her arms off. She said she'd bet that the caller is a fucking nightmare. She said people who are critical like that are the worst.
Howard gave Amy some plugs and said he really enjoys her on the roasts he's seen her on. Howard said maybe she'll become the next Chappelle and run off to Africa. She said that's all she wants. Howard said she's not hungering to have a big career. Howard said all he ever wanted to do was make $250 a week and work in radio. He said he never expected to make it like this.
Howard asked Amy what she's wroth. Howard said he's guess she did about $300,000 last year. Amy said she did $900,000 and she did that as an escort for guys who like girls with big arms. Amy said she made some good money on the road and from her TV specials. She said she still dresses like shit but she's doing okay.
Howard asked Amy why she doesn't buy an apartment. Amy said that's such a big commitment. She said that she might make two $900,000 this year. Amy said she just started investing. Howard asked what she invests in. She said ''cats.'' Howard asked what she's really doing. She said she's in the stock market and doing the basic stuff. Amy said she met with a financial advisor who was asking her if she was married and gave her a bit of an attitude for not being married. Amy said she had to tell her that she was okay with it so she should be too.
Howard said he likes Amy and he wishes her all the success. He said that he can't wait to see the new TV show. Howard said he had a special treat for her too. He said Jerry Lewis is waiting out there for her so he can fake fuck her. Howard said he wishes he had known that Jerry was going to do that at the Jack Black roast. He said he would have come out to see it. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that was the number 5 song. He played number 4 which was Rihanna. Then he had Pink at number 3. Howard said number 2 is Macklemore and Ryan and number 1 was Bruno Mars. He played short clips of each song.
Howard said that whole Casey Kasem countdown thing is great. He said he had all of that money for a dopey career. Howard said there must be a ton of announcers who are pissed they didn't get to do that.
Howard said he has his own top 5. He played ''Bung Hole'' from the Perpetrators. He said at number 4 was High Pitch Eric. Blue Iris was number 3 with ''I Love Cock and Balls.'' Howard said Wendy the Retard was number 2 and number 1 was an Opera singer singing ''Real Niggas.''
Howard said it's time for Robin's News. Fred played her in with a song parody to the tune of a ZZ Top song by Psych. Robin said she likes the short ones that don't go on and on. She liked that one.
Robin was about to start her news but Howard asked if she saw Ronnie on Cougar Town. Robin missed it. She didn't know he was on. Howard said Ronnie played a transvestite and he was very proud of himself. Howard said the show was picked up for another season too.
Robin read about AIG being sued by Michael Jackson's family and how they want to bring in the paternity of Jackson's kids into the case. Robin said they claim that they can prove that at least two of Michael's kids weren't fathered by him. Robin said just looking at them she'd say that none of them were. Robin said there's a story in the paper where Paris Jackson says they had a perfectly normal upbringing. Howard said they wouldn't know. They only know what they were brought into.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he heard the replay of the show from earlier and he was talking about all the work he does. He said he heard Howard complaining about how much he's working and how he's being over worked. He said if he feels that way he should stop working and stop complaining. Howard said he likes working but he got sick and he talks about his life. He said that's the whole point of the show. Howard said the guy is probably right about taking on more work. Howard said he'll stop talking about it then. Howard said everyone gets into something that they complain about. He said everyone is a critic. He said he's had it with his fans. Howard said that's something his mom would say. He did his impression of his mom talking about never complaining.
Howard said Anderson Cooper admitted that his childhood crush was Scott Baio. Howard said that makes sense but his favorite guy on that show was Ralph Malph.
Howard said they reported that half of Justin Bieber's Twitter followers are fake. Howard said he's so happy this came out. He said you can pay for followers. That led to Howard and Robin talking about the big deal they're making about Justin going to visit Anne Frank's home and wondering if she would have been a fan of his. Howard said they're making a bigger deal out of that than they should be. Howard said it's not that big of a deal.
Gary came in and said that they were in Amsterdam having a great time and Robin wanted to go visit Anne Frank's house. Gary said it is very sobering when you get in there. He said the house is very small. Gary said they have letters and artifacts in there. He said it's very moving. Gary said it's hard to bring it back to yourself when you see what happened to her.
Shuli came in and told Howard about going to Amsterdam and going to the house on mushrooms. Shuli said that it was a bit of a bummer on mushrooms. He said they were the best mushrooms ever though. He said Phelan was putting them on his eggs in the morning. He said Brian became immune to them. He said they'd go to get the mushrooms and they'd describe all of the stuff that would happen if you tried them. Shuli said they laughed their asses off for hours while they were on mushrooms. Howard said it's not just Justin Bieber who are doing things wrong there.
Robin got back to her news and read more about the Justin Bieber thing. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Kim Kardashian thinking about giving birth in Paris because of some anti Paparazzi laws they have over there. Robin said that's funny because the Paparazzi made her who she is. Robin said Kanye has a home there and they're looking to protect their baby with those laws.
Robin read about Jenna Bush giving birth to a baby on Saturday night so George W. Bush is a grandfather.
Howard said he read that Jenna Jameson was charged with assault and battery. Howard said he was thinking about her and how she was in porn and never acted out like this. He said getting out of porn has made her bad. Robin said she remembers when she had a huge billboard in Times Square. Now she's assaulting people. Howard said he can't remember who she even assaulted. Howard said it was some weird thing. He said she was much more well behaved when she was in porn.
Robin read about a teacher who had sex with a student and ended up getting caught when someone who heard about the story told on her. Robin said she's 35 and looks rather attractive. Robin said she was the English teacher. Howard said he loves that. He wishes that some of his teachers had sex with him. He said none of them wanted that. Robin said she had sex with two of her students at the school behind a desk. Howard said that's some fantasy. Robin told Howard some of the details about how the teacher was caught when a girlfriend found some texts from the teacher on her boyfriend's phone.
Howard took a call from someone who called herself Rosie Rebel. Rosie said she was on AGT and Howard told her to call in. Howard said she had shaving cream on her armpits. Howard said she was a complete waste of time. Rosie thanked him for that. Howard said he yelled at her. Rosie said it was really scary because there were so many people there. Howard said he told her off and she just said ''forget you'' and it was just very weird. Rosie said none of the judges liked her. Howard said she was so fucking annoying. Howard said she was dancing around and putting shaving cream on her arms. He said it was like a performance artist kind of thing and it was just annoying. Howard said he can just hang up on them on the show but on that show he can't do that. Howard said Howie was saying that's the kind of person he'd have on his show but he's not sure he'd even do that. He said it was a waste of his time. He said he knows she'll be on for like 13 seconds but he had to sit there for 20 minutes. He said it just slows down the whole day and sucks the energy out of the room.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said he's not gay but Howard's feet are very nice looking. He saw a picture that Howard posted on Twitter. Howard said he was at home reading about how you should include a picture when you tweet. He said he didn't like the way he looked so he just tweeted out the best body part he has which is his feet. Howard said he had the magazine and his feet in the picture. Howard said maybe now he'll tweet one out of his feet on the console. Robin told him to do it. Howard said King can beat off to it. Howard said Heidi and Mel B are all into their social media stuff and he ends up getting into the pictures. He said he has to be at the right angle when he has his photo taken.
Howard said he's going to take a picture and Tweet it out. Howard said the picture ended up on the Hollywood Reporter. Howard said his feet always look good. He doesn't need a good angle on them. Howard said the iPhone really takes good pictures. Howard tweeted out the picture and wrote ''Here it is. I'm the Heidi Klum of the foot world.'' He had a shot of his foot up on his console.
Howard asked Benjy if he follows him. Benjy said he does. He said he saw his foot and his feet are perfect and very nice. Howard said he will tweet out a picture of his feet doing different things. He said maybe he can take one of his foot holding his fruit salad. Howard said this will be a nice one for his fans. He took another shot. Benjy told him to pick up the pineapple with his feet. Howard said he has to tweet this one out first. Howard said he would just write ''Eating fruit with my best feature.'' Robin suggested ''Time for a snack.'' Howard said he likes that better.
Benjy told Howard to pick up the pineapple with the fork. Howard said he'll try to do that. He said that he'll pick up that melon with his foot. He said he would starve to death if he had to eat with his feet. He said he picked up a piece of kiwi with his feet. Howard said that's for the fans that love him so much. Howard said people are going to love that. Robin suggested ''Kiwi is nice and fresh.'' Howard said Robin is good at this. He went with that line. Howard said his feet look good from any angle so it was just one take each time. He read a live commercial after that.
Howard said he has to put his shoe back on now. He said that Robin didn't tell him that part. Robin said he could take pictures of his feet looking at the clothes he's going to wear. Howard said he could do all kinds of pictures like that. He could have them looking at shoes. He said that will be his entire Twitter account. Benjy asked if that's the way his feet are with just a little hair. Howard said he's naturally hairless down there.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she was looking at his feet. Howard said Richard will lick his feet if he wants to tweet that out. Howard said that's gross. He said he won't do that. The caller said that Howard is very handsome and he's not a monster. Howard said he is too. She said she's been listening since she was 13 and she has had sex dreams about him all her life. She said she thinks she's pretty hot herself. Howard thanked her for the call and let her go a short time later.
Howard said he looks hideous. He said he really wishes they wouldn't put these pictures in the paper. He said that they have him in the NY Daily News and he looks horrible. He said he's like two different people. He said from the right he's handsome but from the left he looks like a monster. Robin said she's never heard anyone say that. Howard said he's going to tweet out pictures of his feet later in the day. He said he's done for now.
Robin read about a woman who died in an avalanche in Washington state. Robin had some audio of an official talking about the woman who died. They're still looking for a missing person and he's presumed dead. Robin said they were snow shoeing when the avalanche hit. Howard said he would never do that. Robin said she doesn't think anyone should do that.
Robin read a story about a 16 year old Boy Scout who is gay and speaking out against the ban on gays in Boy Scouts. Robin had some audio of the kid talking about that.
Robin read about what some people are trying to do about taxes. She had some audio of a guy talking about the ridiculous tax code this country has. Howard said he thinks it should be a flat tax and that's it. He said he's not sure why people are so afraid of that. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read about what's going on in North Korea. Robin said that we're trying to get North Korea to concentrate on feeding their people instead of war.
Robin read about Margaret Thatcher's death and what the reaction is in Great Britain. Robin said it's been very controversial there but she will get a state send off. Robin said they're saying it will cost about $15 million. Robin said people are upset about that too.
Robin read about an explosion in a home in Costa Mesa, California. Robin said the man passed out on his lawn but went back into his house when he was woken up. He went back in and about an hour later the house blew up.
Howard told Gary to call his gym and let them know he won't be there. He said he's just so fat that he can't go. He said he has a belly and tits on him. He said it's almost bathing suit season. Robin told him to try that Mark Wahlberg stuff.
Robin read about a police officer in Florida who got into trouble when he gave out some targets that looked like Trevon Martin. Robin said he was fired after offering the target to officers during training.
Robin read about Chuck Schumer looking to make it illegal to carry a gun in every state just because they have a carry permit in another state. Robin had some audio of Schumer talking about that.
Robin read about Rick Santorum being in the hospital with some illness.
Robin read about a hooker who was convicted in Maine for prostitution. Robin said she pleaded guilty.
Robin asked Howard about people being charged to see the 9/11 memorial. Howard said that seems to be taking advantage of something where people died. Howard said that's offensive to him. Robin said they're starting to charge visitors for ticket reservations. Robin said it's $2 and that was rolled out on March 1st. Robin said they say they have to do this to maintain capacity while construction is under way.
Robin read about some car bombs going off in cities across Iraq. Robin said two bombs went off at an airport. No one has claimed responsibility yet.
Robin said that Michael Skakel's case is supposed to be heard in court this week. She wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:10am.
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Jon took a call from a guy who said he has been listening to the show since 1989 or so and he seems to be out of touch with his fans when he complains about working so much. Jon said the reason you want to hear the show is to hear him talking about his life. He said he had a tough week and he complained about it. He said everyone complains. The caller said today it just bothered him and it doesn't usually. Jon said he gets that but that's what they want to hear on the show. He said that's what Howard is about. He said Howard was being pretty hard on himself this morning too.
Steve Brandano said he'd rather have Howard talking about what's bothering him instead of saying he can't say what it was.
Jon said that Howard said he zoned out when Gary told that Tiger Woods story. He said that a caller tried to get under Gary's skin saying he got the story wrong too. Jon said you can see when Howard is zoning out when you tell him a story.
Jon said that Howard mentioned Ronnie being in Cougar Town. He said he played two characters in the show. He said that he was a transvestite in one scene and then playing a guy in another scene. He said Ronnie has been pretty low key today. Steve said he's been low key for a while now. He said they haven't heard much from Ronnie lately. Jon said that maybe this will be huge for Ronnie and he'll get his own show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard seemed a little distant and wanted to get Mark Wahlberg out of there pretty quick. Jon said he thinks that Mark was on a pretty tight schedule today and Howard wasn't rushing him out of there.
Jon said that Howard and Mark went back and forth a lot in the beginning of the interview. Jon said Mark also said that he will only come in when he's promoting a good movie. He said he really respects what Mark does in the industry. He said he's put on some really good shows too. The caller agreed.
Gary came in and said that Mark was on a tight schedule today. He said Mark is good about stopping by when he has a project going on. He said not all friends of the show do that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that the show is filled with a bunch of lies. He said Howard complains about AGT but he knows he loves the show. He said what we want is the truth. He said Howard isn't honest anymore. Gary said Howard doesn't love it today but maybe he will love it tomorrow. The caller said Howard makes things up. The caller refused to accept that. The caller said that Robin should admit that she's a lesbian too. Gary said that's just not true. Jon said that's Robin's story to tell. The caller said that Robin is a girl lover. He said they have to get back to being honest on the show. Gary said this guy just wants his conspiracy theories to be true. The caller said he just thinks the stories aren't truthful. He said they say what they think the audience wants to hear. He said it's not honesty anymore. The caller said that Jon just said that Howard does what the audience wants. The caller and the guys went back and forth talking about that for a couple of minutes. Jon said all he was saying was that Howard is always himself. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a woman who said Howard was just being a jerk to Gary. Gary didn't think that was the case. The caller said that's what it sounded like to her.
Jon asked Gary if he thinks Howard has been on him a lot lately. Gary said he doesn't think so. He said the whole show rotates on Howard's mood.
Jon brought up Amy Schumer and asked Gary what he thought about her. Gary said he thinks she's cute and very funny. Gary and Jon talked about her appearance and the story she told about Jerry Lewis. Gary said he found that story pretty creepy. He said that it's not even a joke to do that to someone. He said it's just a guy trying to touch a chick.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he agrees that Amy is awesome. He said Howard being in a bad mood is something he likes. He said he likes that he's not in a good mood every day. He said it might be tough being an employee there but as a fan it's great. He said he knows the whole lawsuit thing sucks for Howard but he knew the show would be good when he heard about that story.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he thought Howard sending out pictures of his feet was great today. Gary asked what constitutes great feet. The caller said that trimmed toe nails is one thing. Gary said he's out then since he has the toe fungus.
Jon and Gary talked about Howard complaining about his weight. Gary said that's so ridiculous. He said Howard is almost 60 and he's in very good shape. Jon said he's always very hard on himself. Gary said that might be why he stays in shape. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said he has toe fungus and he keeps coming close to getting rid of it but it won't go away. He said he gets a ton of stuff from people who think they can help but it won't go away. He said it's been 8 or 9 years now. He said last summer was good. He said he got fake nails that had medicine in them. He said that was working pretty good.
Jon moved on to talk about Mark Wahlberg and how good that interview was. They were talking about the great movies Mark has done and some of the roles he's turned down. Jon said he was upset he turned down the role of Kirk's father in the Star Trek movie.
The guys were also talking about Mark passing off girls that he was done with to people that he knew. Jon said he was thinking that maybe those girls were pretty easy to get in the first place. He said they might be like the girl on Shameless that's known around town for being easy.
Jon took a call from a guy who said after hearing Gary talking about golf he's going to keep smoking. He said it was that perplexing. He said that it was easier to smoke than hear that. Gary said he thinks that this guy might smoke without him.
Another caller said that Howard is getting gayer and gayer. He said that tomorrow he's going to talk about wearing a thong. He asked Gary about how much money he made from that video tape thing they played last week. Gary said he thinks it was about $19,000. Gary said one guy had a check for 10 grand and then some others gave a grand. Gary said that he was pretty certain that the 10,000 check wasn't going to clear but it did. Jon asked if it was worth it. Gary said no. He said he wishes it wasn't out there now. He said he agreed to do it but he knew there was trouble right away. He said he heard Robin Radzinski laughing and say ''Oh Booey!'' Gary said he did get to renovate his kitchen with that money though.
Jon brought up the Siskel and Ebert discussion they had today. Gary said Roger was a great guy and he was very funny and interesting on the show.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's a huge Cougar Town fan and Ronnie was just terrible on the show. He said he loves Ronnie but it was a train wreck. He said he didn't seem to fit into the show at all. He said it was like they were just wedging the bit into the show and it didn't fit there. He said it's not a flame on Ronnie directly but it wasn't very good. Gary said he thought it was odd that Ronnie was in a dress. He said they should have Ronnie just pull up in a limo being angry.
The caller told the guys what Ronnie's part was and how he showed up out of the blue wanting money or lipstick or something. Then he comes in later in the show and he shows up as man and threw in a Baba Booey. He said if he had come in as Ronnie the ''Lets fuck some whores'' guy, it would have been awesome. Jon said he thinks that this is what Ronnie wanted to do. He wanted to play his evil twin.
Jon asked the caller if he thinks Eric the Midget would have been better. The caller said it could have been better for the fans if it was Eric. Gary said with Eric it would have been funnier. He said that Eric could have been trying so hard and he still would have been horrible. Jon said he thinks Ronnie took it pretty seriously and he wanted to deliver. Jon let the caller vent a little more before they had to end the show. They were done at 11:00am.
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Howard started the show talking about Rob Zombie stopping by today. Howard said he made a new movie called The Lords of Salem. He said it's a horror movie. Robin asked if he could hear her. Howard asked who she was. Robin said she's there but this microphone is not working. Howard said he could hear her. Robin said she thought the microphone wasn't working. Howard said he can hear her fine.
Howard said Rob Zombie will be there and Alec Baldwin was supposed to be there but he can't be there. He said he's rescheduled for a couple of weeks from now. He said the Boston thing threw off the schedule so he had to change it.
Howard said the news is Boston. He said here we go again. Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said she's not sure if it's a kook on his own or a kook trained by the Taliban or Al Queada. She said it's probably an American citizen.
Howard said he went to school in Boston and they were on WBCN for years up there. Howard said he never thinks of Boston being victims of acts like this. He said that it's the kind of thing that can happen any day in any city. Robin said we're not in the same shell shock as 9/11 but with the shootings and all of those things going on it doesn't hit as hard.
Howard said a lot of the Newtown families were up there for this bombing. He said they were already shell shocked from Newtown. Howard said now it looks like world War III. He said it's just awful. He said he's so sorry for anyone involved in that.
Robin said the marathon is such a wonderful event. She said there are tens of thousands of people who give and are focused and productive. Robin said these crackpots are taking out the best of them.
Howard said they say that the bombs are very easy to make. Robin said that's unfortunate because people who are dummies are able to copy what the smart people have put on the internet.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the upsetting thing is that they can't figure out who did this. He said we need to retaliate. Howard said we possibly can find out who it is. He said they have one guy who was tackled in the crowd. Howard said the caller sounds a little suspicious to him.
Gary said they're saying that the fourth bomb that didn't go off is going to be a big help in this whole thing. The caller said that some people are saying North Korea and things like that. He said we look week after this. Howard said we don't look weak from this. He said that anyone can set a bomb off like this in this country.
Robin said that we're very curtailed from the way things were years ago. Robin said security is always watching the good people. Robin said the people who walk through a check point aren't usually up to something. Howard said most of them aren't but they have to catch the bad guy.
Howard asked Scott if he thinks it works. DePace said it always works for him. Howard said he did his second dose. Howard said you're supposed to eat and then take the stuff. Scott said he doesn't follow the directions that close. He said you're not supposed to drink before or after it for a few minutes. Howard said the stuff is supposed to stay in your mouth or something. He doesn't even know. He said he's desperate for a cure.
Howard said he may have made a mistake signing up for AGT. He said he's very fragile. He said they book him up and they have so many new people working on the show that they want to prove themselves. Howard said they're going to shoot the shows on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday next week but now they want him to show up on Monday to do other stuff. He said they have to do a commercial shoot and then he has to go to the up fronts. He said they're making him work more than the 31 days that they're supposed to work. Howard said you have to treat the talent like they're race horses. He said they have to pace themselves.
The caller Howard had on the line interrupted to ask a question about Dennis Rodman. Howard said he's been interrupting this whole time and that's what he brings up? Howard told him not to be a douche. He said he was so unfunny. Fred played him off like at the Academy Awards.
Howard took another call from a guy who said the bombs up in Boston looked kind of crude. He said they looked like C4 or something. He said now they're going to outlaw whatever it was that was used. Howard said you can't outlaw everything. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go. He said that the guy was trying to say that you can't ban guns and everything.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to compliment him on AGT in New York because he was the only one entertaining people in the audience. He said the talent wasn't that great and the judges weren't very good either. Howard said there is no doubt that he's the best judge. Robin said that's right. She said she's serious about that too. Howard said the judges did fine. He said he likes them but they know too that he's the best.
Howard said they should make it a more pleasant experience for him. He said he used to have some down time but now they have them in a judges lounge. He said they burn you out with that. He said they're out of their minds this year. He said the talent in New York was very good but it didn't pick up until about a day and a half in.
The caller said he was at AGT wearing an AGT shirt asking Howard questions. Howard said they had a lot of people in Mariann from Brooklyn's box and this guy was a disturbing looking guy. He said you couldn't take your eyes off of him. He said he didn't know who this guy was. The caller, Grey, said he's an 18 year old guy who has been a fan for 2 years. He said his friends call him crazy because everything he does involves Howard Stern. He said that he wants to thank him for entertaining him every day.
Howard said Howie kept asking who he was and he had no idea who he was. Howard said he was very nice. He asked what accent Grey has. Grey said it's Israeli/Russian. Howard said he couldn't figure out what it was. Grey said he talked to Howard outside too. Howard said he's okay with him. He said he'll see him there again. Howard said he wasn't a bad kid he just looked like somebody he should know. Howard said Howie is a huge fan of the show and he kept pointing out Mariann and High Pitch Eric and asking about that guy on the right. Howard said he didn't know but he did look like he should be in the Wack Pack. Howard said Howie kept asking who he was even when he said he didn't know.
Howard said he was reading about this girl who got herself away from the God Hates Fags family. He said you read about the anger and hate in that family and you wonder what's going on there.
Robin said she went to see that movie ''42'' about Jackie Robinson and they show a father and son at a baseball game and the kid is asking about how many home runs Peewee Reese is going to get. Then the father starts yelling out the N-word when Jackie Robinson comes out and then the kid starts yelling it out. Robin said that's exactly what happened back then too. She said the kid wants to be like his father and he yells out what he hears. Robin said the scenes are very intense and amazing. She said the movie is great.
Howard said he doesn't want to think when he sees a movie. He said he won't go see ''42.'' He said he wants to watch Science Fiction instead. Robin said the new Will Smith movie looks like something he might like. Howard said he might have to see that. Robin told Howard that movie is called ''After Earth.'' Howard said he'll watch that. Robin mentioned that he fights with animals so Howard said he might not want to see that then. Robin said it looks really good.
Howard said he has a lot of things to play. He said that High Pitch Mike was on Fine Time with Rachel Fine. He said he came out of the closet a few years ago. Howard said this is fascinating. In the clip Rachel asked who on the staff is gay. Mike said there are two straight guys on the staff who have kissed him multiple times. He said that they weren't that drunk.
Howard said it must be Jon Hein. He was just joking around but he said that would be great if Jon was gay. Robin said that Mike said one of the people is well known. Howard said Fred made out with gay Rich. Fred said he had to take his word for it because he was so drunk he doesn't remember. Howard said he was beyond inebriated that night. Fred said Mike isn't his type. Howard said you have to figure there are more gay guys on the staff. He said Mike can't be the only one. Howard said maybe it's Scott DePace. Howard said he wasn't even drunk the night he kissed the tranny.
Howard said he doesn't know who it was. Robin said it has to be one of the radio guys. Howard said maybe it's Scott the Engineer. Howard did his impression of Scott talking to Mike about his homosexual desires.
Robin said she thinks that one of them is Benjy. Howard did his Benjy impression talking about blowing him with a cookie wrapper on his cock. Robin said it's certainly not JD. Howard said he's running for mayor so it can't be JD.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who he said has the worst phone connection. King changed something on his phone to make it sound slightly better. King said there's a picture of a hot chick at the marathon with blood on her and she's really hot. Howard said she's on the cover of a couple of papers this morning. Howard said she really is gorgeous. Howard said she's in shock and in the middle of a massacre. He said that her hair looks amazing for someone who is in a situation like that.
King said what made him mad was that he called his wife on her cell phone from downstairs. He said he got mad that she was ignoring his phone call. Howard said he zoned out during that. Robin said his wife didn't accept his phone call so he's upset about that. Howard said King has to grow up. He said he's like the Taliban. King asked what that means. Howard said she's on another call and she'll call him back when she gets off the phone. Howard said the world doesn't revolve around him. Howard said King is insane. King told him to look who's talking.
Howard said he's done that with Beth but she understands that he's busy and he'll call her right back. Howard said maybe King's wife was in the middle of something important. King said she was talking to her sister. Howard said maybe he's just annoying. Howard said there are guys who call their wives with nothing. Howard said maybe it was just him being a douche. He said he didn't have anything important to say. King said he wanted to tell her to bring back some almond milk. Robin said he could have texted that.
King asked Howard if he's ever had almond milk. Howard said he has. He said the other day he had a GNC smoothie that was really good. Howard said Beth told him about them. He said he never goes to a GNC. He said he heard about a peanut butter with banana that's made with soy milk. He said it sounded really good so he went for a run and he was all set to go to GNC to get a smoothie. He said they have a smoothie bar at GNC. He said he was going to go in but the guy told him the smoothie bar was closed because they had a plumbing problem. Howard said he left and he was fixated on getting one of these smoothies. Howard said he went to the same place the next day and it was closed. He said he got back to his apartment but he wanted one of these smoothies. Howard said he had to have one. Howard said he waited until 11 before going down. He said he called ahead to find out if they were open. Howard said she said the smoothie bar was still closed. He said he asked how long and she said a half hour to an hour. Howard said he wrote Beth a text saying he can't believe he can't get one of these things. He said she wrote back ''Oh poor you.'' Howard said he didn't want to go all over the place trying to find another GNC. Robin said there's one another 5 blocks away.
Howard said he has to hang up on King. He said he can't take him. He said he has to crowbar in stuff. He said he was trying to say he had a good recipe.
Howard said he waited until 11 o'clock and then went on the web site and picked out the smoothie he wanted. He said he was worried that they'd run out of something so he picked 3 different ones. He said he waited by the phone and then called and found out they were open. Howard said he read that it can be harrowing going to the smoothie bar. He said he figured he'd never be able to handle it. He said he got there and ordered his peanut butter and banana smoothie. Howard said they had two sizes but he wasn't sure which one was the 300 calorie. Howard said it had to be the small one. He got it and it was over $4. He said he waited 2 days for this smoothie. He said he was going to eat it with a straw. Howard said some people would order one with a sandwich but this was going to be his whole meal. Howard said he took a sip on the street and he knew not to drink too much of it too fast. He said he took a sip and it was the greatest thing he's ever had. Howard said it was like a thick shake. He said there was nothing bad in it. Robin said she doesn't know about that.
Howard said Beth warned him that it would go quick. He said he got to his apartment and acted like he wasn't overly involved with it. He said he was being casual with it. Howard said it was maybe 10 sips and he was draining it out. He said he was sucking on the straw in no time. He said it was such a terrific thing. He said it was his whole lunch. Howard said that was 300 calories gone. Howard said he wondered about having 6 a day. He said he could have 2 for breakfast, two for lunch and 2 for dinner. He said he might try that. He said that might be kind of crazy. Howard said he had another one the other day. He said they're really good.
Howard said that Robin said the second one was German porn. The third one was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He replayed the clips for Robin so she could hear them again. Howard said that was it for that game.
Eric said the charity is for Sandy relief. Howard said they can't do them all but they try. Howard thanked Eric for the idea.
Eric asked if he's in L.A. all week next week. Howard said unfortunately he will. Eric said that he was wondering if they were live next week. Howard said they're taping the AGT stuff. Eric wondered if Howard will be live on the radio. Howard said he's off. He said he's only doing AGT next week. Eric said he isn't sure if he can come down for that. Howard said he'll get him tickets if he wants to come out. Eric said it's kind of short notice. Howard said he has a whole situation going on there so he has to go through a lot. Howard said it's not easy for Eric.
Howard thanked Eric for calling in. He said he wants to be called Eric the Midget now. He said he has a woman on the phone who says Eric is hot. Howard told Gary to get him back on the line. Howard said if he can hook him up he'll do it. Howard played a ''Little Eric the Disagreeable Doll'' bit while he waited for Eric to get back on the line.
Howard asked Gary if he got Eric back. He said he thought he'd have him back on. Gary said that Eric doesn't always answer. Robin asked what he could be doing. He was just on. Gary said the phone is ringing. He had him on line 20.
Howard got Eric back on the line and said he has a girl on the phone who says he's hot. He asked if he wanted to talk to her. Eric said sure. Howard picked up on the girl who turned out to be Sal in the back asking if he could stick his tongue up his ass. Eric knew it was Sal. The girl got back on the line and said she was just kidding. She said she really loves Eric. She asked if she can go to AGT with him. Eric said sure. Eric said he's not sure if he'll be going himself. Sal got back on and asked if he could cum all over him. Then the girl got back on and said she has allergies so her throat is messed up. She asked what his favorite food is. Eric said it's pizza. Then Sal got on and said he was going to serve him some cock. The girl got back on saying she has lots of frogs in her throat. Howard thanked her for the call and apologized to Eric. Howard said he thought he had a live wire.
Howard asked what Eric is doing today. Eric said he's going to dinner with Copter from SFN. Howard said that's a dude. He said he hopes he has a good dinner. Howard told him to say hello to Copter for him. Howard said he was hoping it would be a girl. It's too bad it didn't work out for him. Howard said it's too bad the girl on the phone didn't work out.
Howard said Jay Leno reads his own book on tape and he heard this one clip of him talking about Jimmy Fallon. Howard played the edited clip where Jay talks about how Jimmy fucked his wife Mavis. He had a few of those where Jay was talking about what Jimmy likes. Howard said those were three nuggets he found in the book. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
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Howard said the guy who played Lumpy on Leave it to Beaver died. Howard said they had him on the show years ago. Howard said Frank Bank was his name and he gave up acting for a while. He was a stock broker and he had clients like Barbara Billingsly and Jerry Mathers. Robin said he never got very far away from Beaver. Howard said he wrote a book and he talked about getting laid by over 1000 women. He was 71 years old. Howard said he loved Lumpy on the show.
Howard said people wondered why he didn't make a big deal out of Jonathan Winters dying. Howard said he wasn't a big Winters fan. Howard said he didn't get it. Howard said he seemed kind of like he wasn't all that happy to be there on the talk shows he would appear on. Howard said he just didn't get it. He said he wishes him well in the afterlife. Howard said he didn't have much to say about him so that's why he didn't comment.
Howard said someone asked him to photograph his feet on the Sybian so he'll do that later.
Howard said his friend Booker sent him an email telling him about this great video. Howard said he was right about it too. Howard said he's not a fan of Robin Thicke but this video ''Blurred Lines'' is great. Howard said you have to search it on the internet and check it out. Howard said he can't tell if the song is good or not but the video is good. Howard said he never watches videos all the way through but this one he did. Howard said he had naked chicks dancing with him and he had that guy Pharrell with him too. Howard said the video is great to see. He said the girls are so hot. He said they're insanely hot. Howard said they're like models. Howard played the song and said he thought it was pretty good actually.
Robin said she knew the video was all hype. Howard said the girls are so hot that it's worth checking out. Howard asked how old that dude is now. Robin said he has to be in his 30s. Howard said he hates it when kids of famous people are that good. He said that those girls are so hot though. He said he's mesmerized by the video. Howard said he's going to watch it if they put it on. Robin said that's what you have to do to get people to watch a video now. Robin said there used to be girls in every video but it got to be politically incorrect. Howard said they stopped doing that stuff for a while. Now they have naked chicks.
Howard said there were reports in the news that Sharon and Ozzy broke up but he doesn't believe it. Howard said Ozzy probably forgot where he lives. Howard said he's confident that if they ever did break up Ozzy would call any woman he was with ''Sharon.''
Howard said he was thinking about Anne Frank yesterday and he wanted to write in the guest book that she'd be a good moderator on SFN.
Howard said Mark Wahlberg was in yesterday and he was thinking about this hand. He said it was all blown up from getting stung so maybe that's what happened to Gary's mouth.
Howard said there's a 40,000 drink at a club that comes with a ruby in it. Howard said he's glad he never went to that club with Robin. He said she'd order a few of those drinks. Robin said she didn't order anything that time they got the $800 wine. Howard said it makes him crazy thinking about an $800 bottle of wine. Robin said she got him that wine and he has it in his cellar now. Howard said it's very good. He said he still has it and he's afraid to drink it.
Howard read a story about a transgender woman in Idaho who was banned from a grocery store because she used the women's room. He said that's a dude if he has a penis.
Howard said he read that NPR has a new $221 million headquarters. Robin said that's all taxpayer money being used for that.
Howard read about Lauren Hill not paying taxes and how she may have to go to jail. She claims that the family was being threatened and she stopped paying taxes because of that. Howard said she was in hiding so she didn't want anyone to know where she was.
Howard said he was told by Scott DePace to take Zycam and he can't be sick next week. Howard said Gary came in and read him something about Zycam. Howard said he told him not to ruin it for him. He said Gary didn't read it to him so he had to hear what it was. He said Gary handed him this thing that says they've had reports that people lose their sense of smell after using the Zycam nasal products. Howard said he's using the chewable though so it's not going to affect his smell. Howard said Gary ruined it for him. He said that kind of thing can make him nuts though. He told Gary to leave him alone and not ruin it for him.
Howard said he didn't see the video of Ronnie but someone in the email said he was man handling the dog he had in his arms. Howard said someone wrote about Ronnie having spit coming out of his mouth during his second scene. Howard said there's nothing but negative comments about his appearance. Howard said they must be jealous.
Ronnie came in and said that they only read the negative stuff. Howard said Fred pulled all of those. Fred said that's all they got in the email. Ronnie said he got a lot of positive stuff on Twitter. He said he really doesn't care though. Howard said they said he had spit flying all over in the video. Ronnie told him to go take his Zycam or whatever he's taking.
Howard said Ronnie does a great job at AGT. He said he likes when he works. Howard said he tells him to pull the car around and he says he's busy learning his lines for cougar Town. Ronnie said that's bullshit.
Howard said a lot of people find it hard to believe that his girlfriend finds that moustache attractive. Ronnie said that she doesn't say anything about it. Robin asked if she's in a coma. Ronnie said she's always knocked out. He said she likes it. He said other girls like it too. He said he got a lot of comments about it over the weekend. He said that's his center piece. Fred said it's more like a centipede.
Ronnie said everyone on the show was fantastic. He said he had a great time doing it. Howard asked if they'll make it a reoccurring character. Ronnie said they said they'd love to have him back so maybe. He said that they did get picked up for another season.
Howard said some people say he looks like the Dr. Seuss character the Lorax. Howard saw a picture and said it does look like him. Ronnie told him to get the fuck out of there. He said it doesn't look at all like his moustache. Howard said it goes across his whole face like that.
Howard let Ronnie go and said he got some email about Andy Dick. Someone said they should call him Andy-Semite. Howard read some email about some of the stuff he should be taking for his cold. Howard read through a bunch of those. Howard said that someone says he isn't sick and it's just allergies. Howard said that's bull and he knows he's getting sick.
Howard said that some people were criticizing him over his thoughts on Margaret Thatcher. Howard said he liked her. Howard said he didn't live over there but he liked her. Howard said he was a student of what she was doing at the time. Howard said she was a great ally to this country. Robin said she was very supportive of this country. Robin said she jumped on board with Ronald Reagan at the time. Howard said of course she did. Howard said he knows that she was controversial with some of the union activities and things like that. Howard said a lot of people didn't agree with her. He did. Howard said he isn't English but his judgment was that she was an ally of the United States and did a lot of good. Howard said maybe he's wrong. Robin said she's not sure how many people she was trying to help. Howard said she was a pretty decent singer too. He played a song Blue Iris sang.
Howard said he really has to take a break but he has a lot of clips to play. Howard said there was a wrestling announcer that says My Anus for some wrestler by the name of Mainus or something like that. Howard played the clip and the guy kept saying it like My Anus.
Bobo said he just wanted to say that Dr. Baker was really good on AGT. Howard said his doctor was a contestant on the show. Howard said it's a great moment actually. Howard said Robin will see it when the season starts. Bobo said that the producers were freaking out about what he was saying. Howard said he was getting too raunchy with the discussion he had with his doctor. This is the doctor that sticks his finger up his ass. Howard said he does his colonoscopy every 5 years. Howard said there's nothing more gross than that. Howard said Dr. Baker donates his puppet act money to charity and he wanted to audition. Howard said he started talking about how he puts fingers in his ass and then he said something to Heidi and Mel about taking two fingers and how hard it is to take just one. Howard said Bobo was all over the place last week. He said he was in the hall waiting to go on and Bobo was there. Howard said he wondered why he wasn't in his seat. Howard said Bobo is everywhere.
Howard said that the woman making comments about him was Darlene Rodriguez. Howard said that she's the one who was saying he looks like he treats those ladies nice. Robin said it's almost insulting to women. Robin said that she's making Howard out to be horrible. Howard said he's like a monster.
Howard said she might have her own issues with men. Howard said that's always the case. He said any woman who makes a snarky comment like that usually has a problem with men. Howard said he guarantees she has a problem with a man somewhere. Robin said she might know for sure that she does. Robin said her husband may have been accused of something a few years ago. Robin said that she's not sure how that all worked out though. Howard said he knows people and they project their own horse shit on to him.
Howard said most of the anchors are morons when they are forced to ad lib. Howard said it happens on the news radio channels too. He said once they're off script they're horrible. Howard said he got a note about what happened to Darlene Rodriguez. Howard said she should comment on her husband and not him.
Bobo called in again and said that he was in the hall because he got there late and the producers asked him to wait out there. He said Howard is so great and asked if there was a problem getting him in there. Howard said he just wanted him away from him. Howard said it looked like he had groomed his fake hair. Bobo said he got a new system. Howard said he's the guy with the horrible toupee and it looked good that day. Howard said he must have groomed it. Bobo said it's a new system. Robin said hair is not a ''system.'' Bobo said that's what they call it. Bobo said Howard is the greatest.
Howard read about what Darlene Rodriguez's husband was up to. He was accused of having sexual contact with a young girl. Howard said he knew she had an issue with men. Howard said he knows that they have their own issues. He said he was right again. Howard said she's commenting on him but he'd keep quiet if he were her. Howard said she can leave him out of her comments. Howard said he's actually nice to women.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Ozzy posted on his Facebook page that he was drinking and on drugs again but he is not divorcing his wife. Ozzy also said he's been 44 days sober. Howard said he knew that had to be wrong. Howard said you know he's going to slip and call another woman ''Sharon.'' Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said his dear friend Rob Zombie is there. Howard said he has to play him this opera version of ''The Great American Nightmare.'' Howard played that for Rob and Rob said it was horrible. Howard said he has an opera version of ''Dragula'' too. Rob asked why they'd waste their time doing that. Howard said he has ''More Human Than Human'' too. Rob said that one works.
Howard asked Rob what he's up to. Rob said he's going back on tour in June. He said he has his record and his movie coming out this week.
Howard asked how many albums he's sold in his career. Rob said he sold like 16 million or so. He said the rest of the world still buys them but not this country. He said in other countries people buy records. He said it's weird. He said that it's the hard rock scene in other countries. Rob said it's pretty dead though. Howard asked if he ever asks himself ''What the fuck is the use?'' Rob said he does. Rob said that Gary is the only one who cares anymore. Rob said he still collects vinyl. He said he wanted Gary to come in there and help him out with this. Fred played some vinyl scratching sounds over his voice.
Rob said that he likes vinyl but Howard doesn't get it. Howard said Gary likes it too. Rob said he was downloading records and forgetting he even had them. He said you forget that you even have it if you don't see the album.
Howard asked Rob if he listens to any current music. Rob said he doesn't. He said he kind of doesn't care. Howard said he should care about something. Rob said he should but he doesn't. Rob said he's trapped in his own time bubble. He said he can't relate to anything made by anyone younger than him. He said he likes the older stuff. Howard said he's not trying to bust his balls here. He said he's just trying to get to know him. Robin asked what albums he's picked up lately. Rob didn't know.
Howard asked if he was ever nominated for a Grammy. Rob said he was with Alice Cooper. He said he lost though. He didn't go to the Grammys that year. He said he doesn't like those type of things. He said it seems exciting on TV but you just sit there and you're bored. He said no one is even watching the show. Howard said maybe if he played the game he'd win. Rob said maybe he would. He doesn't care though. Rob said if it sold a bunch of records he might care.
Howard said he won some Billboard awards and he displays them. He said he thinks it makes him feel better about himself. Rob said he's won some awards. Howard said Rob has seen his awards. Rob said that the lights on them were a bit bright.
Howard asked Rob if he has any friends other than him. Rob said he has some West Coast friends but not many on the East. He said he thinks he's passed the age of making friends. He said it's very awkward when they go to Howard's house. Howard said they do come over and spend the weekend together. Howard said they have a decent time together. Rob said they have breakfast on Sunday morning and then Howard has that look on his face like he wants them out.
Howard asked Rob what happened with Marilyn Manson and how long ago it was. Rob said it was like 6 months ago. Howard said Rob was on tour with Marilyn and he figures he's not much of a businessman. rob said they were on tour splitting things 50/50. He said that it was the same set time and all of that but Marilyn opened. Rob said that he's not good friends with him but he's known him for a long time. Howard said he figured that they'd get to know each other but it's really not like that. Rob said he keeps to himself and so does his band. He said that two of the guys are from Marilyn's band. He said they had already quit and didn't jump ship or anything.
Howard said Marilyn showed up late one night. Rob said the whole story was stupid and it was over with the next day. He said it wasn't a big deal. Rob said what really went on was that Marilyn went on late. He said he didn't really care. He said he had to get off on time because of the curfews the venues have. He said he can go on whenever he wants and do whatever he wants. He said all he had to do was get off stage on time. Rob said he was like 20 minutes late or so but he wasn't really paying much attention to it. Rob said that night he had a TV in the dressing room. He said he normally wouldn't have. He said Marilyn wasn't coming off on time and kept going and going. He said he had to have someone go out there and tell him it was time. Rob asked if someone was going to get him off the stage. He said Marilyn came off stage and he did his show. Then the next day it turned into a thing. Howard said Marilyn bad mouthed him. Rob said he was upset that he didn't get to play his last song. Rob said he got on stage ranting and raving about him. He said he was screaming about kicking someone's ass and he didn't know it was him. Rob said he always seems to be mad at someone. Rob said he realized it was him and then he wondered what the fuck he did.
Rob said he wasn't going to say anything but then he kept going and going. When he came off stage he bolted into his dressing room and wanted to punch him in the face to end it. He said he ran in there and Marilyn was like ''Hey, whatever...'' Rob said he was pissed though. He said he hasn't been in a fight since he was a kid. Rob said he went in there asking what the fuck his problem was. He said he doesn't fuck with his show and wondered what the fuck the problem was. He said Marilyn didn't know what to say and he might have just been ranting like no one would care. Rob said that he created something out of nothing that night.
Howard asked how he handled it after that. Rob said he doesn't remember. Howard said he knows he went out and sang ''Fuck Marilyn Manson.'' Howard had the audio but Rob didn't want to hear it. Howard said that's what made his news. Rob said he wasn't the one who started the whole thing. Rob said the next day no one cared. He said they did all of the U.S. and then all of Europe after that. He said it worked out fine.
Howard asked how they worked it out. Rob said they had managers apologizing to each other. He said he just approached it like it doesn't really matter. Rob said he'd tour with him again.
Howard asked Rob about directing movies. Rob said he would go out and do that and then forget how to play a show. Howard said you don't know how to direct a movie until you've done 4 or 5. Howard said that's what someone was saying about Jon Stewart directing a movie this year. Rob said he might agree with that. He said he feels like you learn enough to get through to the next one. Rob said the more you learn the more there is to do. Howard said he has to jump into something completely and really immerse himself in it.
Rob said he started with videos. He said he's doing some TV and some TV commercials. He said he did a Woolite commercial. Howard said he heard that commercial directing is the best training for movie directing. Howard said these are the guys who are on the cutting edge of technology. He said it lets you experiment. Rob said that commercials are like doing one show a year. He said you have to do a lot of them. Rob said it lets you keep your directing chops up.
Howard said he wants to see this Woolite commercial. Rob said it's pretty weird. He said it's all over YouTube for sure. Rob said the commercial is pretty scary and there's a guy dragging a body across a field. He said it was pretty successful because they've been running it for two years now. Rob said the guy tortures the laundry. He said they have all of the nice stuff at the end of the commercial.
Howard asked Rob if he's going to be only a horror movie director. Rob said he think this one, The Lords of Salem, is the last one for him. Howard asked if he's upset that they didn't tap him for The Munsters TV show. Rob said he didn't even see it. He said he forgot to watch it. Howard said he thought it was pretty good. Howard said Robin didn't like it but he did.
Howard asked how big of a Munsters fan he is. Rob said he doesn't know if he could answer trivia. Howard asked how many times he's watched the show. Rob said he's watched it many times since he was a kid but hasn't seen it lately.
Howard said they'll call this The Munsters Game. Howard asked him what the car Grandpa's car was called. Rob said that was easy. It's Dragula. Howard said there were two actresses who played Marilyn. Rob said the first woman quit after 13 episodes. He knew both of the names for the women who played the part. The first one was Beverly Owen.
Howard asked Rob what the name of the pet bat was. Rob said he assumes it's Igor. Howard said that's right. Howard asked what the name of the funeral parlor was. Rob knew that one too. Howard asked what Herman's twin brother's name was. Rob said he doesn't remember that one. He knew he was always wearing an ascot. Howard said it's Charlie. Howard asked how he doesn't know that. Howard said they sit and watch Munsters on the big screen when Rob comes over. He said Jimmy Kimmel was over and he might not be that into them but he sat and watched with them.
Howard asked Rob what baseball team Herman tried out for. Rob said he hasn't seen that one in a long time. Rob asked if it was the Dodgers. Howard said that's right. Howard asked what Eddie's doll was called. Rob said it's Woof-Woof. He was right again.
Howard asked Rob if he ever thinks about what he'd be doing if he wasn't in rock music. Rob said at 21 he had no job and he was kicked out of college. He said he knew he was a loser and he had nothing in sight. He said he went to Parsons School of Design and he didn't go so they kicked him out.
Howard asked Rob some questions about his childhood and then got back to the game. He asked him what the name of the ring was that they found in the attic. Rob was close with Lugosi but it was Fregosi Emerald.
Howard said if he gets this question he's the best in the world. He asked what Herman's wife's name was in the pilot. Howard said it wasn't Lilly. Rob said he has to play it in his head to figure it out. He said they changed a bunch of the characters. Rob thought some more and said it was Phoebe. He was right. Howard said it wasn't the same actress either. He said they had a hard time getting Yvonne De Carlo to do it.
Howard asked who provided the voice for the Raven and the cuckoo clock. Rob said it was Mel Blanc. Howard asked who the band was that was on the show. Rob said it was the Shandells.
Howard said Rob should have directed a Munsters movie. Rob said he does want to see that TV show. He said there are some great bloopers in the old shows. He said there's one scene where a crew guy walks in the background and they didn't bother cutting it out. He said that Eddie also mouths the lines of the other characters in one of the episodes. That was the Zombo episode.
Howard said Rob's new CD is called ''Venomous Rat Regeneration Vendor'' and that's coming out soon. Howard said he screwed up so bad when they recorded the song ''The Great American Nightmare'' together. Howard said he wants to do a remake. Rob said everyone tweets him about how they want to get rid of it. Howard said they have a theme song contest but he doesn't want to get rid of that song.
Howard gave Rob a plug for his new movie ''The Lords of Salem'' and asked if he's nervous about the box office. Rob said it's a small release so he's not too worried. He said that you can find it but it won't be in every theater out there. Howard said he has said that he won't satisfy everyone but he doesn't care. Howard asked if they do market research on these things. Rob said you can't. He said you don't draw anything out of that.
Howard asked Rob about this character in the movie that's like him. Rob said he's more like if Howard and Fred were in one body. He said his wife plays the Robin character who laughs happily at everything. Howard said Robin doesn't laugh at everything.
Howard talked to Rob about the other movies he's made and how unhappy he's been with some of his projects. Rob said there were things with the Halloween remake that he would have liked to have changed. He said he felt rushed with that movie and he had too many cooks in the kitchen.
Howard asked Rob if other rock and roll people are jealous of him because he has more than the band going on. Rob said he doesn't think so. Howard asked why the guy from Gwar gives him a hard time. Rob said he hasn't thought about them in a long time. He said he met some of them a million years ago. He said he hasn't seen them in 20 years. Howard said maybe they want to direct a Woolite commercial and they're mad at him for that.
Howard asked Rob what his next move is for a movie. Rob said he's doing one called The Broad Street Bullies which is a hockey movie. Howard said he doesn't picture him as a hockey fan. Howard said he has that look and he wondered if he'll ever change. Rob said he might some day. He said he doesn't really know. He said it's just what he does. He said that's one great thing about hard rock music. He said you aren't expected to change.
Howard said he was out getting a tattoo and he called Rob about that. He said Rob has a ton of tattoos and he wondered if he's upset he got so many. Rob said the older he got the more it hurt to get them. He said he has some on his chest and mostly on his arms. Rob said he's so used to having people around him like that so it looks funny to him when they're not tattooed. Rob said when their arms are bare it looks like little baby arms.
Howard asked Rob if his parents still live in Jersey. Rob said they live in California now. He said his brother lives out there too. He said his brother is in a band as well.
Howard gave Rob some more plugs for his movie and album. Howard said the movie is out this weekend. Rob said it's limited at the moment but they'll put it on more screens.
Howard asked if he has any regrets. Rob said he has nothing to complain about. Howard asked if being a rock star is the greatest thing a guy can do. Rob said it might be. He said he appreciates being able to do it. He said the more time goes by the more he enjoys it.
Howard asked if he's upset he doesn't have kids. Rob said that he's fine with kids as long as they're not his. He said he can handle them for 5 minutes if he has to. Rob said that everyone who has kids is so happy to push them off on someone else. He said it's pretty funny. Rob said he thinks back to what it must have been like for his mom.
Howard asked Rob when he last saw someone jump from a balcony at one of his shows. Rob said it's happened a lot. He said that it hasn't happened lately but it did in the past. Rob said that if you jump off at CBGBs it's not that big of a deal. He said at some of the other places it might be a bigger deal when a kid smashes his head open. Rob said it can get pretty ugly. Rob said if you tell someone not to jump that's like telling them to jump.
Howard asked Rob about claiming that he smoked crack with Ozzy and Rick James. Rob said he was just joking. He said he was on VH1 at the time and he thought it would be funny. He said the guy asked him about it so he made it up. He thought it was obvious he was joking but maybe it didn't come across like that. Rob said he may have smoked some hash with them.
Howard asked if Rob drinks. Rob said he doesn't like that feeling of not being in control of his brain. He does drink sometimes though.
Howard asked Rob what he does when he gets sick and has to do a show. Rob said that rarely happens. Howard told him to try doing a radio show and then AGT. Howard said Rob doesn't stress out, that's why he doesn't get sick. Rob said he eats healthy too. He said that he doesn't eat meat. He said he stopped that in high school. He said he doesn't eat any dairy or meat. He said he's on a total vegan diet. Howard said he didn't know that. He said he's fed him many times and he didn't know that. Rob said being a vegan is a pain in the ass for everyone else so he didn't tell him about it.
Rob said when he started eating all of that stuff he didn't do it for health. He said now it's a total health thing. Howard said his dog died recently too. Howard said his name was Dracula. Howard said that's a great name for a pet. Howard said the dog was a good dog. Howard said he was very moved by how upset he was. Howard said he was upset about Bianca dying too. Rob said it was like a month after Bianca died that Dracula died. He said it was a bummer.
Howard said his other dog, Java, died a few weeks ago. He said that he doesn't like talking about that. He said that was the dog he had when he was married. Howard said Java was a great dog too. He said he used to say ''Java. Come!'' and she'd come over. Howard said she was like 15 years old.
Rob said he has a new dog that he named Godzilla. He said that he's grown up and he seems like it's like Dracula again. He said the dog is still a puppy but it's turning into the same dog. Howard said he has 4 cats now. He said he will get a dog though. He said cats don't do well with dogs. Howard said as long as he's not forcing the dog to be someone else that's fine.
Howard asked Rob how his wife is. Rob said she's good but she didn't want to get up early to do the show. Howard said that's a good looking woman there. Howard asked how long he's been with her. Rob said it's been over 20 years and it's awesome. Howard said he has everything under control. He has the eating under control and the women. Rob said that they do argue over stuff once in a while but it's nothing that bad.
Howard gave Rob a plug for the album and said that he has a new single out. Howard played some of that and Rob said he could use that as his new theme song. The song was ''Dead City Radio And The New Gods of Supertown.'' Howard said he likes his sound. He always has.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Rob why he keeps sniffing. Rob said he didn't know he was doing that. He said maybe he has to blow his nose. The caller said he loves Rob but the sniffing was getting to him.
Howard asked who came up with the name of the album. Rob asked who cares. Howard gave him some more plugs for his movie and for the book (The Lords of Salem) that's a novelization of the film.
Robin asked if he watches The Walking Dead. Rob said he hadn't seen it until about 2 weeks ago. He said that's not his thing. He said he watches ''Veep.'' He said he likes watching The Munsters. He said he liked Breaking Bad. He said he likes Girls too. Howard asked if he watches Mad Man. Rob said he's catching up on MASH as we speak. He asked Robin not to spoil that for him. He said he wondered what will happen to Radar.
Howard asked Rob if he's following what's going on up in Boston. rob said that it's really a bummer. Howard wrapped up and went over the stuff they learned from Rob today. That led to Rob asking Howard some Munsters questions. Howard said he's not good with trivia. They went back and forth asking more Munsters questions. They went to break a short time later.
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Gary said that Debbie is mad at them and she says she's done with the show because she wanted tickets to AGT, which he gave her, but she didn't get them fast enough so she thinks they treat everyone better than her.
Howard said he has to figure out what she's talking about on the phone. Debbie may have been trying to get rid of some kittens. Gary said she can hardly care for herself. Howard said he has to bail on this call. He said that if you want a cat go to North Shore Animal League. He said there are a lot of great pets there that need adoption.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he can't watch porn the same way now that he has a daughter on the way. Howard said when you first have your kids you have all of these ideas that you're going to change but he'll be back to watching porn. He said that will wear off in two weeks or so. The caller said that he's trying to watch porn and thinking that his daughter could end up doing that. Robin said everyone is someone's daughter. Howard said most of the women in porn don't have parents. Howard said he'll break down eventually. Howard told the guy that he's quit porn too but he always goes back. He said it just takes a day or so. Howard said he's still a dude and that never changes.
Howard said he has a recording of the boom at the Boston marathon. Howard said it was so loud. He said this puts it in perspective for you. Howard played the clip of the explosion happening. Howard said that was no lightweight explosion. He said we're under attack. Robin said we're under attack all the time. It's not every day that we get bombed though.
Howard said the sad part is that this guy needs to be eliminated but they'll end up going to jail and not getting the death penalty. Howard said they had that guy in Colorado who shot up people and they didn't kill him. He said they say he's insane and you have to feel bad for him and nothing happens to him. Robin said McVey got the death penalty. Howard said that sometimes they do get justice like that.
Howard played a new Little Mikey song parody for Robin. That was ''Robin's Big Brown Tits'' to the tune of ''Candle in the Wind.'' Howard said Mikey has so many songs about her. Howard played another one where Mikey sings about parting her hairs down there. Howard said that's another fabulous song. Howard said Mikey is a little guy too. Robin said he's not that little. Howard said he's definitely her fan.
Howard said he wants these guys to stick to writing about Robin. He said Mikey wrote one about JD mumbling and not making sense to the tune of ''Jeremy'' by Pearl Jam. Howard played some of that but said Mikey isn't as passionate about it with that one.
Howard said that they have a Japanese game show where they have some guys in diapers and they give each other enemas. He said they have to run with the enema water in their assholes. Howard said you can't let any water out or your disqualified. Howard said the audio isn't as good as the video but he played some of it anyway. Howard asked how that's a language when he heard them speaking in Japanese. Howard said this show will probably end up coming here to the states. Robin said they should go to the Fleet Enema company. Howard said he's going to do the celebrity version with Louie Anderson and Ted Nugent. Robin said she can't watch that show Splash.
Howard picked up on Debbie the Pet Lady who said that his staff isn't very good and she's done with the show. She said that they can't air anything about her anymore. She said they're not allowed to air that embedded thing with her. Howard said that she's not done with the show. She was crying and saying they're just making fun of her and treating her horribly. Debbie asked how she's supposed to be nice to them. She said they treat her like shit. Howard tried talking to her but Debbie was screaming at him. Howard said he only has love for her. Debbie just kept screaming and crying.
Howard said Shuli says that if he yells at her then she'll stop. Howard had Shuli come in to yell at her instead. Howard said he thinks she hung up. Shuli said the only way to stop her is to yell at her and out crazy her. Howard said they wanted her to come to AGT but she's upset about the whole thing.
Shuli said he went down to AGT and he ran into her. He said he asked her how it was and she said it was terrible. She couldn't see because she was behind a big guy. He said she was there and part of things and people were asking to take pictures with her. He said she changed her tune in a second and said it was great. Howard said Leiberman spent 8 hours with her at her house. Shuli said he heard that she has flying squirrels or something there. He said Jon is allergic to all of that so his eyes were puffing out. Howard asked when that Embedded is coming out. Jon came in and said that they just shot it. He said she has so many animals. He said she has an Iguana and a snake and feeder mice and rats. He said those are the mice she feeds to her snake. Jon said he's never seen anything like it.
Jon said he went into a room in her house called the Surprise room. He said she has 12 kittens under a bed in one room. He said that she has flying squirrels in one room. He said he's allergic to cats so after an hour in the house he had urine on his shoes from the dogs peeing all over. He said he was having trouble breathing and he wanted to get out of the house to get fresh air.
Jon said that Debbie was fine the whole day. He said she was a gracious host and they even took her to the Salvation Army to pick up a table. Jon said they put the table in the back of the van and brought it to her home. Shuli said by the time they got back to work she had already sent an email complaining about the embedded thing. Jon said you've never seen anything like this. Howard said it would be great if it was in 3D.
Doug said that the guys left and she was happy and then she turned psychotic. He also told Howard that Jon doesn't know how to ride a bike and they had to teach him. Jon said he was busy doing play by play at a baseball stadium as a kid. He said they made him ride a bike in his suit for the Embedded thing. He said Debbie knows how to ride so she got a kick out of that.
Howard said no one in the world is better to her. Shuli said he tried to tell her that. Jon said that she has broken phones from getting angry and throwing them. He said she has a pile of them in the room. Howard said he wishes he had been able to talk to her today but she wouldn't listen.
Howard said they did a bracket thing where Richard picked an animal to win over other animals. A dolphin won. Howard said the boys went out on the street and asked women if they would rather have sex with a dolphin or Howard Stern. The women were all picking the dolphin. Howard said he thought it would be a slam dunk for him to win this. He said not one person said Howard Stern. They went to break a short time later.
After the break, around 9:35am, Howard came right back and had Robin get to more news. Howard said he just found out that Beth ran off with a dolphin. Robin asked Howard who created Batman. Howard didn't remember. Robin said it's Bob Kain. Robin asked what he based the cape on. Howard said it's on a bat. Howard asked her if she would rather have sex with him or a dolphin. Robin said it would be Howard, not a dolphin.
Robin read a story about a man who was blackmailing girls into thinking he had naked photographs of them. Then he would say if they did something for him he wouldn't release them on the internet. Robin said he got several young women to perform things for him in video chat rooms. Robin said the guy was finally caught in Indiana. Robin said he will face the music for duping these young girls.
Howard said a lot of these bombings happen around April 15th and people think that taxing people is pushing some over the edge. Howard said he's just putting that out there. That led to Robin reading about what they're looking at up in Boston trying to find video of the bomber. Robin said they're searching for clues from the blasts. Robin said one of the blasts happened when most runners were coming across the finish line. Robin said it was designed to have the maximum effect.
Robin said that more than 100 people were injured. Robin said one of the deaths was an 8 year old boy. Robin said they have had to perform numerous amputations. Robin said not a single agency had any warning of this attack at all. Robin said they hadn't heard any chatter about this one at all. Robin said that no one is claiming responsibility for this. Robin said the Pakistani Taliban has said they were not responsible but they would kill American's anywhere they can find them. They say they weren't in Boston though. Howard said we need to nuke them and just make this world safe again. Howard said we have to nuke every country that's like that. Howard said maybe Switzerland and Africa could be left alone. Robin said Africa isn't safe. Howard said Pakistan needs to be eliminated.
Robin had some audio of some officials talking about the attacks and what they're looking into. Robin said the explosion at the JFK library wasn't a bomb at all. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was looking forward to another season of AGT. Howard said it's going to be great this year. The caller said he caught up on Bates Motel and it was great. Howard said he won't watch it. He said he doesn't like movies like that. He said he doesn't want to see a whole movie about Psycho. Robin said he's so argumentative. Howard said he doesn't want to see anything about an overbearing mother. Howard ended up arguing with audio clips of his mom that Fred was playing. Howard was asking her about the things he does wrong that she'd like him to change.
Robin had some audio of some people talking about what they heard and saw up in Boston. Robin had Howard play one guy talking about the explosions and then a woman talking about what she saw. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about the injuries they were seeing at a hospital up there. Howard said it's like we're living in Israel. He said it's time to get crazy. Robin said she's been crazy. Robin read about one guy who said this won't deter him from running in next year's marathon. Robin said that they're calling off the Celtics game tonight.
Robin said that the late night shows were all on last night. She had some audio of Jimmy Kimmel commenting on that. Howard said Jimmy feels things that other people can't feel.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who said that they raided the apartment of that guy who they chased down and caught. He said they pulled out 3 bags of evidence from the apartment. Tommy also said that Bobo called him to see if he was alright. He said he's a good dude. Howard said he didn't have much of an update there. Howard said he thinks Bobo called everyone in Boston to make sure they were okay. He doesn't have anything better to do.
Robin read about how the survivors of the Newtown massacre were up in Boston and they had to go through this too. Robin said they're on a heightened alert there in New York City too.
Howard said he just heard that people were looting and stealing marathon jackets up there after the bombing. Gary said they were stealing piles of them. Howard did a live commercial a short time later.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about two kids losing their lives when they fell in a neighbor's pool. Robin said the kids were missing and they were found in a pool. Robin said the kids scaled the fence and got inside when the people weren't home. Robin said they were 5 and 7 years old. Robin said you have to be careful with your pool and make sure they're safe for kids.
Robin read about Oscar Pistorius who is out of jail while he waits for his trial. Robin said they say he was at a party doing shooters. Howard said you should act sad even if you're not. Howard said she's still dead and he has to go on trial. Howard asked why anyone like that would go to a party and do shooters. Howard said he's a fucking maniac. Robin said he's denying that he did anything wrong.
Howard took a call from a guy who was in South Korea. Howard asked if he was in the army. The guy said he is. He said he was calling in on a Magic Jack so there might be a delay. Howard and the caller talked about Kim Jong Un and what a maniac he is. The caller said that he doesn't think the guy is going to do shit. Howard said he'd have him drop a bomb on his head if he were President. Howard said Robin would be his general. Fred would be a general too. Howard thanked the guy, Todd, for his service. Todd said they can only get Howard on the internet over there. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about what's going on in Afghanistan. She said they have a huge opium crop over there this year. Robin said they can use that for making heroin.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was at the Today show last week and saw Ronnie and Ralph there with him. He said he saw Ronnie in the back with him. Howard said he was security that day. Howard said that was a fun day out there.
Howard took a call from someone who had a horrible connection. Howard said you have to be on your phone when he picks up. He gave up on that one quickly.
Robin read about doctors telling people to try and eat natural foods. She had some audio of a woman talking about that. Robin said they say this every year but people don't seem to listen. Howard talked about how people are eating too much and they have to have it taste good but you don't need all of that. They spent a minute talking about that. Howard said he Googled himself last night and he read a whole thing about how people think he's bald. Howard said he is not bald. He said that they think he has a toupee. Howard said he has a full head of hair. He said that's the one thing he has. Howard said he doesn't have anything fake in there. Howard said he can't look at himself on the internet. Howard ended the show a short time later. They were done around 10:10am.
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Will came in and said that he never made out with Mike. He said he never kissed him. Teddy said the other guy was actually unknown. Will said he never kissed the guy. Teddy said it wasn't a sexual kiss. Jon asked if there are some gay issues with Teddy. Will said he has way better taste than Mike.
Teddy said that he knows Mike likes to bring it up over and over. He said that might be in his spank bank. He said Mike jokes about it with him every year. Will said that Mike would wait for everyone to get drunk and then try to kiss them. He said he would do that early on but he's not sure if that's what he does now. Teddy said that he's not a sexual predator or anything.
Jon said they were talking about how 10 percent of the population is gay so there might be more than one gay guy there. Will said he knows of two who are out openly. He said that Mike wasn't out when they first got there. Will said Jason still has to come out. He said the other kissing victim might be. He said he wouldn't be surprised.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Mike does this bullshit as a joke. He said he knows he heard that story. The caller said that all of these ''fucking fags'' want everyone to know they're gay. Jon said he wouldn't go that far.
Teddy said that no one felt that Mike was doing anything wrong. Will said he didn't rape anyone. Teddy said he's not trying to out anyone either. Jon said you can watch Fine Time and decide for yourself.
Jon brought up the GNC Smoothie that Howard talked about today. He said the other big thing today was that Jon Leiberman doesn't know how to ride a bicycle. Will said he was shocked by that. Jon said he was shocked too and he wondered if he tried and wasn't able to master it.
Jon went over some of the other things he wanted to get to today. He said that Ronnie took a hit on his moustache and his Tweet where he wrote ''must of'' instead of ''must have.'' Will said he's retarded. He said he doesn't think Ronnie knows the right thing to write. Jon said he doesn't think you go there for grammar though. Will said the other reason is for mediocre chicks. He said they're ''Chicks I Might Have Sex with Of the Week.''
Jon said he thinks Ronnie would like to be back on Cougar Town. He said Ronnie got upset that Howard was only reading the negative emails. Jon asked if they think that they were hiding any reviews. Will asked if he saw the show. Jon said Ronnie might be delusional over that. Jon said they have to get Ronnie in there to talk about the moustache thing.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he never learned to ride a bike. He said he lived in an area where he didn't have a lot of places to ride in. He said maybe Leiberman had the same thing. Jon asked if he wishes that he knew how to ride. The caller said it can be embarrassing.
Steve Brandano said that Ronnie didn't look happy when he walked by. Jon said if he heard any of what they were just saying then he's not surprised.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he's not sure why anyone would get upset about grammar on Twitter. Will said he does. He told the caller that it was ''Must of'' and not ''must've.'' Gary said that it's a misinterpretation. He said it's not an abbreviation. Jon said they have to take a break. Ronnie came in though so he and Will went back and forth arguing for a few seconds before Jon cut them off and went to break.
Jon asked Ronnie about the negative emails today and if he thinks that they only picked out the negative ones. Ronnie said he got a lot of positive stuff on Twitter so he thinks they did.
Jon asked if Twitter is important to him. Ronnie said it's very important to him. He said he needs social media.
Jon asked if he thinks he did okay on Cougar Town. Ronnie said it was okay. He said he was playing a transvestite. He said he didn't want to watch it but he did a few days after it aired. He said he would go back if they ask him to.
Jon asked Ronnie about his moustache and all of the talk they had about that today. Gary asked if he's ever been without one while he's known him. Ronnie said he has. He said he didn't like it. Will said that he cut it off for a short time once. Will said he just wanted to look younger... like 60.
Gary asked if he grows it long for a reason. Ronnie said he's had it this way for a long time. Jon said he's pretty well put together. Ronnie said he does it the night before or something. Gary said some people do. He asked Will how often he does. Will said he messes with it like 2 times a month.
Ronnie said Will asked him to help out with his twitter account when he opened it. Will said he got like 6 followers after that.
Jon asked who cares more about Twitter, JD or Ronnie. Gary said that Ronnie and JD care about the same but for different reasons. Gary said JD uses it to get laid and Ronnie uses it for promotion. Ronnie said he does let Stephanie do some stuff on there for him. He said that she does the social media stuff on Facebook and Twitter. He said she does a great job with it too. Will said her specialities are retweets and fingers up the ass.
Jon took a call from a guy who said Ronnie is like the father figure there. He said he can't let it get to him. Ronnie said if he couldn't handle it he wouldn't be there. The caller said Ronnie is the man and he has to let it pass. The guy said that Will can be kind of caustic and venomous but that's just Will. Gary said in the grand scheme of things Ronnie will be fine in 5 minutes.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's glad that Will is venomous toward Ronnie. He said he deserves it. Ronnie said they're friends off the air so he doesn't know what he's talking about. The caller and Ronnie went back and forth arguing for a short time. Jon asked Will if he takes pride in fucking with Ronnie. Will said he does. He likes to fuck with everyone. Ronnie said Will fucks with JD all the time. Gary said Ronnie is kind of fatherly to them there. Will said it's more like Grandfatherly. They went to break a short time later.
Gary said he thought it was funny when Howard and Rob were talking about pets and how they like them better than people. Gary said he found that funny because the two bond over that. They also bond over The Munsters. Jon said Rob did very well with the Munsters quiz. He said he definitely knew his stuff.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to talk about Rob's sniffles. He asked if they can mute the guest for a moment so they don't have to hear that. Gary said there are mute buttons in studios but they don't have one like that with their set up. Gary said that Rob didn't even know he was sniffling today. He said that you just have to trust that they don't do it. Gary said he didn't even know he was doing it until someone Tweeted about it.
Jon said he didn't know about Java dying. Ronnie said he knew. He said it was a mess. Jon asked how his dog is doing. Ronnie said Dudley is doing fine and he's going to be 7 in a week. Gary said Murphy turned 9 on Sunday. He said it makes him sad because he doesn't know how many more years he has. He said it might be 5 or 6.
Jon said Will hasn't been the same since he lost his cat. Will said that it was his wife's cat but he was surprised at how upset he was about it. Gary said he wasn't into cats that much but he's really attached to the cats he has now. He said he's more attached to the dog but he does like them a lot. He said all five of them are in bed together every night.
Ronnie said he's never had cats but he's always had a dog. Will said he thought Ronnie had a cat on his arm. Ronnie said that's a panther.
Jon took a call from a guy who knew Ronnie somehow. He said last time Ronnie didn't have a moustache was 1995. Ronnie said it was back at K-Rock. He said he doesn't remember why he did it. then he said it was because it was turning white so that's why he shaved it off. Then he got Just For Men and grew it back.
The caller said Ronnie is so much more immature than anyone else. He said he loves the guy. He said that these guys just don't get it. Gary said they do get it. Ronnie said that you'd think that they slept together based on the way the guy is talking to him.
Gary said Ronnie has the mentality of a 19 year old. He said he's been on road trips with him. Ronnie was smiling and talking about some of the good times they've had out there. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
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Howard started the show talking about the Boston bombings and how they still haven't caught the dick head who did it. Robin said this isn't like TV and they can't just find them immediately. Howard said they have to drag this guy out in the street and kill him. He said that he's so pissed off reading about what these things did to people. He said they have to cut this guy's head off and dick off. He said we've got to do it just to get it out of our systems. Robin said that's not a good thing to be. Howard said this is no time to be rational. Not now.
Howard asked Robin how that's like being him. Robin said we're doing it in a barbaric way instead of doing it quietly. Howard said no to her. Howard said she should let him handle this.
Howard said he has to congratulate Mike Walker. He said he wrote a new book called Out For Blood. He said he heard from Mike yesterday.
Howard said he heard from Darlene Rodriguez about what she said on the Today show. Howard said she contacted his agent and told him that she wasn't trying to offend him. He said she apologized and that's that. He said he's sure the fans were blasting her on Twitter. Howard said we can let her off the hook. Howard said Gary can send her an autographed picture of his feet.
Howard said that he was going to tweet out pictures of his feet but he wasn't feeling so good yesterday. He said the Zycam hasn't kicked in yet. He said he's miserable right now. He said he has to go to Los Angeles and he isn't feeling well. Howard said he's getting old and he just can't do it anymore. Howard said even when he was young he was old. He said now he's old and he's ''OLD.'' Howard said last night he was in bed with Beth and she told him he was fine. Howard said he's not fine.
Howard said Beth is going to be there in a few minutes. He said they have the Sybian Talent Show coming up so he has to get her out of there before that happens. He said Tom Sizemore is coming in too. Howard said Tom was sweating like crazy last time he was there.
Howard said they have the Sybian Talent Show coming up and people will be doing their talent while they're on the Sybian. Howard said they have one girl who was blowing someone in a porn movie she was in. Howard said it's so disgusting. Howard played the clip and she was gagging on a guy. JD came in and told Howard what the scene was and why she was blowing the guy.
Howard said they have another girl playing the Sybian talent show and her name is Raven Bay. He said this is her having sex. Howard played a clip of her moaning. Howard said they also have Amy Brooke audio. Howard played a clip of her talking while blowing a guy.
Howard said it's great that we have that kind of stuff to watch in this country. Howard said in Saudi Arabia they have guys who are being deported for being too good looking. Howard said religious police kicked them out because they were too handsome. Benjy was correcting Howard about where the guy was from and Howard said he was sorry he even picked up the story. He said he's just trying to say that they're nuts over in those Arab countries when it comes to that stuff.
Howard said that little North Korean guy probably does the same kind of thing. He said he probably sends guys off to camps or another part of the world. Robin said that wouldn't surprise her.
Howard said today he would say no to that question. He said he can't say that would be his answer forever but right now it is. Howard asked Wolfie if he's been deputized to ask him to be in a film. Wolfie said he might have been.
Wolfie asked if Howard thinks he could beat Jay Leno in a fist fight. Howard said he's a pretty big guy. He said he was trained in Karate and he was taught to hit people in certain places but he's not sure if that would work on Jay. Howard said Jay might be able to beat him up. Howard said Jay is a few years older than him too. He said he seems more masculine than him too with all of those cars. Howard said he'd have to fight dirty. Robin said Jay would too. Howard asked if that was enough questions. Wolfie said that was good. Howard let him go.
Howard brought up the songs ''The Joker'' and ''Take the Money And Run'' by Steve Miller. He said he was reading that he had the music for ''The Joker'' but he used the lyrics for ''Take The Money And Run.'' Howard had the demo they made with those two mixed. Howard said he thought it was interesting the way they worked it out. Howard said he knew Robin would like it. Robin said she does wonder about people's thought process in song writing.
Howard said he turned down some movies recently. Robin said she would never work with Roman Polanski. Howard said he wouldn't either but Fred would.
Howard said old time fans will remember Kenneth Keith Kallenbach's name. Howard said that he died in 2008 this month. Howard said that he asked Kenneth to be one of the people to introduce him to the Libertarian convention. He played a clip of Kenneth introducing him and starting off okay. Then he went nuts and started rambling and doing a comedy routine and taking questions. Then he asked who wanted to see his dildo. Howard said he was about to get the nomination and he was showing a dildo.
Howard said Ken is one of the fans who has left us. Howard said he did speak to his mother about a year after he passed. Howard said he isn't sure how she's doing. Howard said that was just a reminder. Howard said he had to take a break and then get to his wife.
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Howard said Beth looks great. She said she heard that he's really feeling sick. Howard said he really does feel like crap. She said he looks great though. Howard said she's just so in love. Beth said she knows that he's just anticipating L.A. and it's completely psychological.
Howard said he's freaking out because he doesn't want to disappoint Beth. Howard said he has to do a commercial on Monday and then he has meetings on Tuesday and the up fronts and all of that. Robin asked why he scheduled it all on that same week. Howard said he has to do it because it involves her too. Howard said they have plans every day out there. Howard said if he can't do any of these things then he's letting Beth down. She said she'd go out herself then.
Howard said he would want Beth to go see people if he's sick. Beth said Howard is miserable when he's sick. She said he's going to be fine when they get on the plane. Beth told him to stop it. Howard said he can't will this away. He said he has a cold and a sore throat. Beth said it came on the last two weeks and he already announced it's going to last 2 weeks. She told him to just shake it. She said he's obsessed. Howard said if he didn't have to work he'd be fine.
Beth said they were in bed last night and they were playing a game of either or and Howard was fine. Howard said they were playing the game where they ask if you would rather fuck Robin or Lisa G and he has to choose. Howard said you can't mess around either. He said he gives Beth the same things. Beth said Howard kept using this one disgusting man in her choices. Howard said that went on for a half hour but then he went to sleep. Howard said Beth tried coming on to him but he had to get sleep. He said that's how you know he's sick. He said if he doesn't fuck her then he's sick. Howard said he has fucked the sickness out of Beth before. He said when he fucks when he's sick he just gets sicker.
Howard said Beth just handed him this. He said that he did a photo shoot for Whirl Magazine and they used his shot on the cover. Howard said they have a shot of Beth with their cat Apple. Howard said she's doing great and she got her fur back. Beth asked how he feels about the cover. Howard said it's like one of the best he's ever seen. Beth said Apple looks great. Howard said so does Beth.
Howard said Beth is in there to promote her new show ''Spoiled Rotten Pets'' which is on Nat Geo Wild Saturday at 9pm.
Howard said Beth is also hosting a bulldog rescue. Howard said that people think that Bulldogs are cute but they get them and find out they have to take care of them. He said it's a tremendous cost because they're high maintenance. Howard said people do things to these animals that's horrible. Beth said they get 3-4 drop offs for these dogs every week. Howard said you can find out more on HowardStern.com
Beth told Robin about her TV show and a couple that adopted some pigs and they fell in love with them. She said they are very smart and they sleep with the couple. Howard said the one thing he hates is that she kisses all of these animals. Howard said now he's sick and maybe it's swine flu or something.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Beth what she could do to make Howard happy. Howard said he just wants to be with Beth. Howard said he's happy with his radio show and his TV show but he just took on too much. The caller said Howard was bitching before all of that. Howard said he doesn't know what makes him happy. He said that's just what he is.
The caller asked Beth who the hottest guy in Hollywood is. Beth said she's always loved Brad Pitt. She said Howard is the hottest. The caller asked about the younger actors. Beth said that she liked Ian Somerhalder. She said that he's a huge TV star now.
The caller asked Beth if she'll put a pillow over Howard's face when he's on his death bed to stop him from bitching. Beth said no.
Howard said he has an envelope that he's going to open now. He said Beth had to write down who she would make love to on the staff there. Beth said that they presented this to her as who she would do on the staff of the show but she doesn't want any of them. She said she adores this person but she's not sexually attracted to them. Howard said he's going to guess Gary. He said he's a nice guy to her. Howard asked Robin who she thinks it is. Gary told Howard that she also had to write down who she would not have sex with. Beth said that was easy. Howard guessed it was Sal. Howard opened the envelope and it turned out it was Gary she would sleep with. She said she was blushing now. Howard said she wrote Gary with a little heart. Howard said Sal was the one she wouldn't sleep with.
Howard asked Beth what her name is. He said on the TV show it's Beth Stern but she also uses Beth O Stern. Beth said she hasn't legally changed it to Stern but she goes by it. Beth said she will work on it. Howard said then they'll be as one.
Howard said he hates staying at a hotel because he can hear so much noise in the room. Howard said he has to get his rest out there in L.A. He said he heard there's construction going on at the hotel. Beth said they could stay at Jimmy's house. Howard said he doesn't want to do that. He said he doesn't want to wake up in the middle of the night and have to wait for Jimmy to come down. Beth said it would be fine there.
Howard said they stayed in a hotel once and he heard a couple in the next room and then they heard them moaning. Howard said they were fucking and it was so loud. Beth said it got gross. She said the guy was spanking her. Howard said he was getting a little self conscious. Howard said the guy was going so long because he was doing tons of foreplay. Howard said he got defensive. He said the girl was moaning for so long and she was only turned on because she was in a hotel. Howard said this can't be just one session. He said he felt weird about the whole thing.
Howard said he was going to spank Beth but she didn't want to do that. Beth said they got into bed and didn't have sex. She said it ruined it for them. Howard said this guy was fucking like an animal. He said he figured the guy was gross though. Beth said it was like they were in the room with them.
Howard said he called down and complained. Howard said the guy turned on really loud music and Beth was trying to nap. Beth said they were meditating. Howard said he was getting defensive for Beth. He said the guy must realize he's in a hotel.
Beth said she should get going. She has a lot of interviews she's doing today. Beth said she was supposed to be on Good Morning America but that might get canceled because of the Boston bombing thing.
Howard said he has a couple of questions from fans. He took a call from King of All Blacks who said she has to show her feet. Beth said she has the worst feet. Beth said Howard was photoshopping her feet and removed a toe. Howard said she's self conscious about her feet. Howard said she actually has 12 toes.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and gave out the Nat Geo channel but it was probably wrong. Beth said it's Nat Geo Wild.
Another caller asked if Beth wants Howard to continue in radio after 2015. Beth said she thinks he's happy so she would want him to continue. That guy also brought up the Sybian so Howard showed it to Beth. Beth said it's cute. Howard said it's cute now but she'll fall in love with it when she rides it. Howard said they have a suitcase for it so you can travel with it.
Howard took another call from a guy who said the fans love Howard's parents and asked Beth why she loves them. Beth said they are so full of love and she adores them. Howard said she gets along very well with his parents. The caller said he thinks that's very special that she's there for them. Howard said she's there for them even more than he is.
The caller asked Beth what she would do if she adopted Lindsay Lohan as a daughter. Beth said she would keep her in the house for a while. Howard said you have to love the kid and let them hate you. He said he saw Carol Burnett talking about that on The View. Howard said she had a daughter she had to do that with and the daughter finally got better but then got cancer and died at the age of 33.
Howard gave Beth some more plugs for her TV show. Beth said there's one show where this guy has a basement full of reptiles. She said she didn't kiss any of those. Howard said he's stuck there at work hosting a Sybian contest so he can't go with her. Beth said he's not sick. Howard said he is so sick. Beth said he looks great and doesn't sound sick. Howard said he has to look good because he's in show business. Howard faked a cough for her. Howard said he's not acting but Robin just laughed.
Beth said she's sick. She said she's dizzy all the time. She said she can't see anything and she might have Lyme disease or something. Howard said she won't go to a doctor. Howard said he hates doctors too but she really should go. Howard said he doesn't need doctors looking at her body. Howard said they'd have to do all kinds of tests on her. Beth said she has been reading about Lyme disease and she has a feeling that could be it. Howard said he doesn't know about that. Howard said maybe he has that. Beth said she actually has an appointment tomorrow. Howard said he had to line it up for her. Beth said she got right in thanks to Don Buchwald. Howard said Don was at the doctor when he asked for a recommendation. Howard said Beth has the appointment tomorrow so everyone is waiting for results.
Howard asked if she's dizzy now. Beth said she was bad when she got up this morning. She said she couldn't see anything. Howard said he doesn't want to go out when they go to L.A. Robin said she wonders how Howard is going to torture her when they go out there. Beth said she loves Howard but it's not easy when they are away from the apartment.
Howard said it's tough when you go out. He said you get sick or blown up. He said there are monsters out there blowing up people. Beth said she's so upset about that whole thing. Howard said he loves Boston so much too. Robin said she used to go up there to visit her nephew when he was in school up there.
Howard took a call from a guy who said it's a guy thing when Howard gets sick. Beth said that she will make sure she's there for him and they'll get through this trip together. Howard started singing to Beth about how much he loves her. Robin said that was the best serenade he's ever done. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and took a call from a guy who said that he's been listening to the show for 20 years but every time Beth is on he turns into a fucking pussy. Howard said he's not sure what he's supposed to do. The caller said he should be miserable like him. the guy also went off on him about this AGT. Howard hung up on him and called him a fucking cock sucker. Howard listened to some Led Zeppelin instead.
Howard said they're going to get to the Sybian Talent Contest now. Howard said he's going to sing a theme song for the contest. He said that this should be a lot of fun.
Howard said that they're going to meet Nikki Delano (@NikkiDelano) first. Howard said that she's so naked. Nikki said she was delighted to be on. She said she wasn't able to sleep last night. Howard said there is no hair on her vagina. She said she has a tiny bit on there. Howard said it's not offensive at all. Howard asked her to turn around so he can see her ass. She said she got a nomination for best ass for Night Moves. She said she lost to Asa Akira for best ass.
Howard said Nikki is going to be signing today on the Sybian. Nikki said she's very sensitive down there so she's going to have a hard time. Howard said Nikki has been in porn for the past 2 years. Nikki told Howard about the movies she's done and how well she's doing. She said she graduated college. Howard sounded shocked by that. She said she wanted to be in the FBI but she didn't get to that point. She said she was at a convention one day and a month later she was in porn. She said she could never be a teacher after doing this though.
Howard said Nikki has done over 250 scenes. She said she loves sex. Howard asked if she can have a boyfriend while being in porn. She said she's had a boyfriend for 8 months and she's in love. She said she'll have to see how it goes with him. Howard said she must put out for her man. Nikki said she gives him everything. She said she likes the pile driver position. She said she's very aggressive. Howard asked if she puts his balls in her mouth. She said she does that every time she blows him. Howard asked if they have other girls at home. She said they do.
Howard asked what he got her for her birthday. She said he didn't get her anything. She said they fuck every day though. She said that he works but he's also a stoner. Howard said she's lovely and gracious. Howard said she must weigh nothing. She said she's 5'2'' and 110 pounds. Howard said he's sure they have photos of the girls up at @SternShow
Howard asked what Nikki is going to be singing. She said she will be singing in Spanish. She told Howard the song she would be singing. Howard said her ass is great. He had her get on the Sybian and told her it's going to be hard to sing on that thing. Howard had the guys help her get on the thing. Howard said he'll have Gary start her off at 50 percent and then work it up from there. Nikki said she's very sensitive down there.
Howard had Gary start the Sybian. He started off at 50 percent and then Howard told him to just jack it up to 100 percent. Howard started the music and Nikki tried singing along to it. She was singing and moaning as the Sybian did its thing.
Howard stopped her and told Gary to bring her down. Nikki said that was intense. She said she had never been on one before. Nikki said she had an orgasm. Howard said he smells Howard TV subscriptions going up already.
Howard asked her to get off of there and they'll move on to her competition. Howard said she's not uncomfortable being nude. Nikki said she thinks she came multiple times. Howard said she took to it like a fish to water. Robin said the crew were preparing the Sybian for the next contestant. Howard said they're like a NASCAR crew. Howard gave Nikki some plugs and said you can find out more at HQNewYork.com. Nikki told Howard that she's taken guys into the champagne room and given them foot jobs. Howard gave her a plug for her web site NikkiDelano.com and some other things as well.
Howard had Raven Bay (@RavenBayxxx) come in next. Howard said she's smoking hot. She said she's 5'2'' tall and 100 pounds. Howard asked how long she's been in porn. She said she started last year and she's only done a few movies so far. She said she loves it so far. She just turned 23. Howard asked if she has done babysitter porn yet. She said she hasn't because she has some tattoos on her back. She said that she has wings on her back and she's like an angel in disguise. Raven said she would rather just get plowed. She said she likes it rough. She lost her virginity at 13. She said the guy was 17. Howard said that's almost like a rape. Raven said she came out of her mom's vagina just wanting dick. She said she started masturbating at 20. She said she never learned about it until then.
Raven said that she has a mysterious pussy and her boyfriend had to crack the code to figure her out. She said she has a very meaty pussy so he had to figure that out. Howard asked when she started messing with women. She said that was at 15. She said they experimented at that age.
Howard asked if her parents handled it well when they found out. She said her mom was supportive. She said she didn't know her dad. Raven said that her mom is a lesbian and she was in a band and one time she got drunk and got knocked up. She said her girlfriend said she had to have the baby or she'd leave her. She said she had the baby and they ended up breaking up anyway. Howard asked if she's curious about the father. Raven said she is. She said her mom claims she doesn't even know the guy's name.
Howard asked if she's ever ridden a Sybian before. Raven said she has but she's not sure if they had it on high power or not. Howard said they'll do that for her today. Howard said Raven is going to tell jokes while she's on the Sybian. Howard gave Raven a plug for ExoticaExpo.com which is where she'll be this weekend.
Raven got on the Sybian and they started her off at 50 percent. Gary put it up to 75 percent and then Raven said she was going to start. Gary pushed it to 100 percent and Raven was moaning and trying to tell jokes. She asked what the difference between Howard Stern and an egg was. She said an egg actually gets laid. Raven kept going and told her jokes while she was moaning. Raven finished up and said she had about 5 orgasms during that whole thing. Howard said that was a wonderful girl. He said that was a wonderful performance.
Howard said the show is brought to us by Steven Singer Jewelers. Howard said they have $500 for the winner. Howard said they have one more girl to compete.
Howard introduced Amy Brooke (@AmyBrookexxx) next. Howard said she'll be playing the violin on the Sybian. Amy said that's going to be difficult. She said she's going to play Twinkle Twinkle and Mary Had a Little Lamb. Howard asked how long she's been in porn. She said it's like 5 years. Amy said she's done between 500 and 1000 movies. She said she's a little whore. Amy said she will try just about anything. The first scene she did was extreme anal. She said that's when they pound the fuck out of your ass. She said she gets fists and triple anal too. She said she has had 3 cocks in there at the same time. She said she once had 5 dildos in there at once. She said it was awesome. Amy said that anal is all in your head and if you think it will fit then it will fit.
Howard asked the other girls if they have done anal. Nikki said she has. Gary said that Amy told Howard that she had two hands in her ass and the two were holding hands in there. Amy said it was a man and a woman who put their hands in there as they were holding hands. Howard said she's an amazing athlete.
Howard asked Amy when she lost her virginity. She said she was 13. Amy said that it was to one person and it progressed to many from there. Amy said she had multiple partners. She said she had 9 in one session at one point. She said they were all virgins. Amy said she had a boyfriend at the time and she was like the only one who had sex at the time. She said that her boyfriend liked watching so that's why she did the other guys. Howard said she must be bi-sexual too. Amy said she does like women too. She said she was 7 when she got it on with her first girl. Amy said she has always been really sexual. She said they would watch porn on Napster and practice on bananas. Howard said she has some body too.
Howard said he read that she's regularly making love to Kid Rock. She said she's good friends with him. She said that she goes to him and she has been to Detroit once. Howard asked if she parties a lot. She said she has and she may have done it too much. Amy said she just got out of rehab. She said she had to reevaluate her situation. Amy said she was just partying and enjoying herself. Amy said she checked herself into rehab. She said she's been sober for 17 days now. Howard applauded her. Howard said that's not easy. She said she was in rehab for 45 days and it was right on the beach so it was awesome.
Howard had Amy sit on the Sybian. He asked how long she's played Violin. She said she's played since second grade. She's never done this on the Sybian though. Amy said it should be a good challenge. Howard had Gary start her out at 50 percent. Gary did that and then worked up to 100 percent. Once she was at 100 percent Howard had her start playing violin. Amy played and let out a couple of screams. Amy said she felt like squirting. Howard told her to let the poison out. She did. Everyone yelled when she let it go. Amy kept trying to play the violin. She played some Mary Had a Little Lamb. Howard said it was very good. Howard said that was a good job. Amy apologized for what she had done. Howard gave her a plug for her web site AmyBrooke.com
Howard went to the judges and asked Gary what he thought. Gary said that something weird happened there. Amy said her vagina has a mind of its own. Gary said that her talent was just mediocre. Gary said that he's going to give his vote to Raven.
Howard went to Fred for his vote. Fred said they're all beautiful and talented. He said this was tough but he's going to give his vote to Nikki.
Howard went to Robin next. Robin said she thought that Amy wasn't nearly animated enough on the Sybian. Robin said she picked a tough situation and it affected the Sybian ride. Robin said she's going to give her vote to Nikki.
Howard moved on to Benjy for his vote. Benjy said he's going to give his vote to Amy.
Howard said he's going to vote and then go to Ronnie if there is a tie. Howard told Nikki her singing was great. He said she was very animated on the Sybian. Howard said that Amy was good too. He said that she lost points with not hearing her orgasm. Howard said that Raven told jokes and that's the hardest thing in the world. Howard said doing that while orgasming is even tougher. Howard said Raven gets his vote which makes it a tie.
Howard said Ronnie could break this tie. Ronnie said Amy was a little bit boring. He said the squirting was awesome but the rest of it was kind of boring. He said she was too quiet. Ronnie said that Nikki was a little boring in the beginning but she finished up well. Ronnie said Raven took it all the way so his vote is for Raven. Raven was the winner.
Raven said she was so excited. Howard said they all did very well. Howard said Raven won $500 from Steven Singer Jewelers. Howard said that they can all give out their plugs. They all got in their plugs for their various Twitter and web sites.
Howard said the true winner is the audience. Howard said especially the Howard TV audience. Howard said they can all kiss and congratulate each other now. Howard let them do that. Howard sang them out with a song about Raven Bay being the Miss Talented Sybian Girl. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Tom Sizemore is there and the book he's promoting is called ''By Some Miracle I Made It Out of There: A Memoir.''
Howard said that Tom has been in some great movies and then he got involved in drugs and fucked everything up. Howard said it's good to see him. Tom came in and said he didn't just ruin his career. He said he destroyed it.
Tom said he's mad at Howard for being 59 and being so successful and rich. Howard asked Tom about why he went to prison. Tom said he went for being stupid. He said he had possession and revocation of probation. He said he's been sober for four years now though.
Tom told Howard that they found drugs in his garbage can and he was convicted on that. He said that he was doing drugs though. He said three of the wheels of the garbage can were off his property so they were able to use it for evidence. He said he went to jail for that. He said it probably was his but if it was on the street then it was nobody's. He said the one wheel was on his property so he was the one who was convicted.
Tom told Howard that the Heidi Fleiss thing was over turned. He said that he has a wonderful lawyer who called him about going to jail for something he didn't do. He said that was the Heidi thing. He said he hired a guy who worked for the CIA who was able to discern that the picture was moved in Photoshop. Tom said they told him that he could leave prison but he'd have to go in front of a judge the next day. Tom said he got to leave prison and he didn't choose to go back to prison to be vindicated in public. He said prison isn't any fun.
Howard asked Tom how much money he has left now and how much he spent. Tom said he has a couple of dollars. He said he won't tell him how much he has though. He said he's verging on doing okay financially.
Howard asked Tom if he likes Dr. Drew. Tom said he does. He said he went to Celebrity Rehab after calling Bob Forrest who used to be his drug dealer. He said that he had anything he needed back in the day. Howard said that must be weird to go back to your dealer when he's in rehab. Tom said that Bob used to steal their cars. He even stole his mother's car and went to jail for that. Tom said Bob has been sober since 1996. He said he was very close to him and Johnny Depp. Tom told a story about Bob getting sober and going to college and getting his license. He said that he's the best at what he does now. Tom said that Bob was the only one who thought something else was going on with Mindy McCreedy.
Howard said he was reading about how Robert De Niro went after him trying to get him to go to rehab. Howard said Tom hung from the banister from the second floor of a hotel room trying to hide from De Niro. Howard said that must make him feel like a true friend. Tom said he can't say enough nice things about De Niro. He said he could have been doing so many things other than tracking his ass down. Tom said he talks to his mother and he flew her in to help him out.
Howard asked if he's still in touch with De Niro. Tom said he's very busy but he did tell his son something about him recently. He said he could call him and get him on the phone. Howard said the fact that he cares so much is impressive. Howard said most people don't have time for nonsense. Tom said Hollywood is unlike any other place. He said he knows there are people who wouldn't help him out for any reason.
Tom said he went to Michael Mann's office one day to apologize to him for fucking up the TV show ''Robbery Homicide Division.'' He said that it was the Heidi thing that fucked all of that up. Tom said that it was her accusation that led to the show being canceled. He said that they tried to save the show but Michael Mann knew they couldn't do it.
Tom said he went to Michael's office after 3 years of trying to figure out how to reach out to him. Tom said he walked in and Michael asked him what he was doing there. He said it was the way he was smiling at him that felt like it was 8 or 9 years ago. Howard said Tom is a scary guy. He said he's intimidating. Tom said Howard is intimidating too. Howard said he's not like Tom is.
Tom said he remembers Howard being on WWWW in Detroit. He said he was in high school at the time. Tom said he remembers his mother telling him about this nut on WWWW.
Howard asked Tom if it's true that his mother is part black. Tom said he only dates black women. He said that's only part true.
Howard said Tom was fucking Elizabeth Hurley while she was dating Hugh Grant. Tom said that he was one of his heroes. He said he may not have pushed that if he knew that he existed. Tom said that was 1991. He said she was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen in his life. He said he looked at Wesley Snipes and told him he was going to go to jail for tax evasion some day. Howard asked if he stays in touch with him. Tom said he does. He said the feds are really tough on a guy like that. Tom said Wesley went to prison for 3 years even though he had the money to pay his taxes. He said he's the first one to go for that after bringing the money with him. He said his accountant is the one who was doing wrong. He said that actors are retarded.
Howard got back to Elizabeth Hurley. Howard said his book is fascinating. He said that Tom and Wesley argued over who was going to fuck her. Tom said he just told Wesley to leave her alone because he's black. Tom pulled out a cigarette so Howard asked him to please not smoke. Tom said he wasn't going to smoke. He sounded puzzled that Robin could see him pulling the cigarettes out too.
Howard asked Tom about fucking Elizabeth Hurley. Howard said he wrote this in his book. He said that he wrote that she danced on a coffee table for him. Tom said it was all very innocent. Howard asked Tom if he was misquoted in his book. Tom said it was all very innocent. Howard asked if he's being sued in this book. Tom said he's not. Howard said he wrote about Juliette Lewis in the book too. Tom said he's going to kill Howard. Howard said this is all in the book. Tom was making it sound like he didn't know about some of this stuff.
Howard asked if he still has a Heidi tattoo on his dick. Tom said he does not. Howard said he knows someone who blew him who says he does. Tom asked who that was. Howard didn't say.
Howard asked Tom if he's got anyone in his life. Tom said he's trying to get his life straight. Howard asked if he'd like to fuck Jenny McCarthy. Tom said he would not. He said she's white. Howard said he must know who she is. Tom said she's old like he is and he doesn't want to date anyone that old.
Howard asked Tom more about Elizabeth Hurley and what went on with her. Howard said she was fucking Tom while Hugh was fucking that prostitute. Tom said that he didn't want to drag them into this. Howard said he wrote about it in the book. Tom said he did but just briefly. Tom said he didn't out anything in the book. Howard said he did out Juliette Lewis. Howard said he wrote about her in the book. Tom told him to stop it. Tom said the book is about a lot of things and not just those few things.
Howard said Robert Downey Jr. introduced him to cocaine. Tom said he never said that. He said he was the one who is responsible for what goes into himself. He said no one forced him to do it. Tom said he did these things to himself.
Howard said Tom says that Juliette Lewis got him back into heroin. Tom said he didn't say that. He said all he said was that when he met her... then he said he didn't read the book. He said he was 87 days sober and he went to the set of Natural Born Killers and he was doing a scene where he was doing coke and drinking. He said he asked the prop master if he could get him the real thing. He said he had to clear it with the director so he put his own coke down and did it himself. Tom said he met Miss Lewis the next day. He said she was 19 years old at the time. He said she was very gifted and maybe the best 19 year old actress that ever lived. Howard said she had a killer body. Tom said she was like an idiot savant. Howard said Tom was 32 and she was 19 and they made love. Tom said he doesn't think that he's made love to anyone but himself.
Howard asked if he was in love with her. Tom said he doesn't think so. He said it was a set romance that spilled over a little bit. Tom said he met his future wife during that movie.
Howard asked Tom what he thinks his problems are. Tom said that his father walked out on them. He said they were like the Brady Bunch and he didn't know that his dad was so unhappy. Howard asked if he thinks that's why he did drugs. Tom said he has no one to blame other than himself. Tom said his dad left when he was 14. He said that he stayed in touch but he started another family. He said his mother was 32 years old and the most lovely woman. He said that it really hurt her. Tom said his father said that he wasn't leaving him, he was leaving his mom. He said he didn't know how he could leave his kids like that but he can see why he had to leave a woman he didn't love. He said his mother remarried eventually. He said his dad remarried and re-divorced too.
Howard asked Tom about going to Brad Pitt and saying that it was okay to fuck Juliette Lewis. Tom said that it was a metaphor and not a literal thing. Howard said he says that Juliette had porn playing in her house all the time. Tom said she liked the music. Howard asked if that freaked him out. Tom said that he was there for 4 months in one room. He said she didn't care that the house was huge. She just stayed in one room. He said she got sober right after that and she's been sober since like 1994 or 95.
Howard said Tom had Edie Falco in his book as someone he fucked. Tom lived with her for a while too. Howard said that Tom must be tough to live with. Tom said Howard is a tough interview.
Howard asked Tom if he can't stay faithful. Tom said no one is faithful. Howard said he is. He said that he has never cheated on his wife. He said he didn't cheat on his first wife either. Tom said that's unusual. He said he knows a lot of guys who aren't faithful. Tom said he didn't cheat on his wife. He said that marriage lasted 3 years and 3 months.
Howard asked Tom if his kids get along with him. Tom said he does. He said he's a natural as a dad. He said he missed the first 3 or 4 years of their lives because he was in prison. Tom said his manager told him he had to build a bridge back to his life. He said he had to do it but he said he couldn't do it. Tom said he kind of forced him to do it. He said he hadn't been around them sober for a long time. He said they were 6 at the time he saw them again. He said they knew him since he had seen them at other times.
Howard asked Tom if he's on good terms with the mother of his kids. Tom said he'd rather not talk about that. He said he doesn't want to talk about the mother of his kids. He said the kids came over and he wanted to do things with them. He said he wanted to play ball and all of that. Howard asked if he gets to visit the kids. Tom said they're in a precarious spot right now. He said he and the kids love each other very much. He said he can see them whenever he wants. Tom said he'd rather not get into that.
Tom said his kids are Jagger and Jayden. He said that one of his sons put his arms around his leg and said ''I knew you'd come home.'' He said that was one of the best moments in his life. He said that he didn't mean to have those kids because he didn't know the woman very well. He said this wasn't his wife. Tom said he wishes that she was his wife.
Howard asked if he thinks that drugs should be legalized. Tom said no. He said that they do nothing but destroy people's lives. He said Meth is the worst thing out there. He said it's made out of everything that can kill you. He said it has battery acid in it. Tom said he didn't now shit about the drug the first time he took it.
Howard asked Tom if he misses taking drugs. Tom said he's not over it and he has his moments. He said he likes waking up sober. He said it takes a long time to get that shit out of your system. He said the Meth is like shards of glass coming out of your skin. He said people will say it's the worst withdrawal.
Howard asked Tom who is better in bed, Elizabeth or Juliette. Tom said he doesn't want to talk about that. Howard asked who the best pussy is that he's had. Tom said he doesn't like talking like that. Howard asked who the greatest woman is in bed. Tom said Monique Allen. Howard said he wants a real name. Howard said Juliette must be the wildest. Tom said Monique is the wildest. He said she's just a civilian though. Howard said they'll find out more about her.
Howard said Tom doesn't like Marc Anthony and he had to work with him on ''Bringing Out The Dead.'' Tom said that the guy thinks that he's Frank Sinatra and he's not. Tom said the guy is 5'7'' and 109 pounds and he's ugly. He said he's a half assed singer too. He said he doesn't have a nice thing to say about him at all. Tom said he did a scene with him and he was a non-talented asshole. Tom told him to bring his posse to his apartment and they'll fight it out. Tom said he told the little twerp what he thought of him on the set. He said it was one of the worst times he's ever had on the set of a movie. He said he had to apologize to Martin Scorsese. He said he got into a fight with the guy and he should have just let it go. Howard asked when that was. Tom said it was in 1999.
Howard asked Tom about how he left it with Marc Anthony after that. Tom said the guy is a bad singer and a bad actor. He said he just had to beat him with a baseball bat at the end of the movie. He said that was the greatest part of the whole thing.
Howard said Tom is such a terrifying type of individual. Tom said he's going to walk off this show if he keeps saying that.
Howard said that Tom auditioned for Reservoir Dogs 8 times. He didn't get the part. Howard said that has to be the worst for a drug addict. Tom said that you just have to do what you have to do. Tom said he loves acting and he would never want to do anything else. Tom said that it's not easy and it hasn't gotten any easier. He said he's done things well and he's made some fans.
Howard said Robert Downey Jr. has turned things around. He said if he can do that then Tom can. Tom said he's the greatest actor of his generation.
Howard asked if Juliette Lewis gives head. Tom changed the subject. Howard asked Tom about thinking about turning Jewish. Tom said he was dating a Jewish woman and he went to Hebrew school for a few months. He said he was taught how to cant. He said that he came from Detroit and he didn't know much about New York. He said that New York is full of so many different ethnicities.
Howard told Tom that he's Jewish but he doesn't practice it. Tom said what he likes about the Jews is that they stick together. Howard said that's not really true. Howard said he was on his own.
Howard asked about getting into a fight with Lawrence Fishburn for using the N-word. Tom said he actually calmed him down. Howard said he used the N-word though, right. Tom said he said ''nigga'' and not with the ''er.'' Tom said Fishburn calmed him down. He said he just said he was sorry and Fishburn told him to get in a cab and go home.
Howard said Tom's father told him that acting is sissy work. Tom said that he didn't really say that. He said his dad said that he had to be shitting him thinking that he'd be on TV some day. Howard said being vicious like that isn't cool. He said that he was jealous of his son. Tom said that was his father. Howard said a father can be jealous of his son. Tom said he would like to talk his kids out of being actors. He said he'd rather have them be doctors or lawyers.
Howard asked Tom if he knew Mindy McCreedy. Tom said he didn't know her very well. He said he got to know Carrie Ann. He said that she got sober and had a baby. He said that the people you think won't get sober actually do get sober. Tom said that Dr. Drew gives you the 12 steps and that's that. He said that you do the foot work and work the steps.
Howard asked Tom if they're going to see him in any movies. Tom said Howard is an asshole. He said he keeps cutting him off. Howard said he has to get something going. Tom said he did Hawaii 5-0 last year. He said he had fun with that.
Howard gave Tom a plug for his book ''By Some Miracle I Made It Out of There: A Memoir'' and then took some calls. The first caller said he loves Tom. He said he was great in Heat. Tom said that was probably the best movie he's been in. The caller also said ''fuck that Marc Anthony guy.'' Tom seemed to like that.
Howard asked Tom about his parents visiting him in prison. Tom said he didn't want them doing that. Howard asked who did. Tom said Monique Allen did.
Howard told Tom to read his book. He said he says a lot of shit in there. Howard said he packed it full of revelations. Tom said it's not just about addiction. He said there is a lot in there. Tom said he lived in Detroit and a bad area there when he was a kid. Tom told Howard about how bad it was. Tom said that it didn't seem like there was anywhere to go other than GM or join a gang.
Howard said he could talk to Tom all day but he has to take a break. Tom said he had a dream to be an actor and that's what the book is about. He said he did this thing and achieved it and then he fucked it all up with drugs. Tom said he came to his senses. He said he wants a second shot and he thinks he's getting some of that. Howard said he has to audition now. He said there was a time when he didn't. Tom said he did this all to himself so he's not blaming anyone else for it. Howard said JJ Abrams listens to the show so maybe he can help him get in the new Star Wars or something. Howard said that he'll go talk to JJ about that. Tom told Howard to tell him he wants to be in it. Howard said he's going to do that for him. Tom said he would make Howard very proud if he did it. Howard told JJ to listen to this and give him a shot.
Howard took a call from Marc Anthony (Sal in the back office) who was doing a lame accent. Howard hung up on him a few seconds after picking up.
Tom said that he would appreciate Howard talking to JJ about the Star Wars thing. Howard said he will do that. Howard gave Tom some more plugs and mentioned that he died at one point and this woman saved him. Tom told Howard to stop giving away the stuff in the book. He said that people have to read it. Howard talked to him a little more about that woman who saved him. Howard asked if he's getting laid. Tom said he has his kids and he doesn't have time for that other bullshit. Howard said that's the right answer. Tom said he tried a couple of years ago but his manager told him he didn't have the time or money to be messing around with that stuff.
Howard said he loves Tom for coming in. Tom said he thinks that Howard is the most talented guy he's ever known. He said he's a national institution and he likes being on his show. Howard said he hopes the book is a great success but no one reads it. He said you should buy the book but not read any of it. Tom said that would be perfect. Tom told Robin she looks wonderful. Robin said he does too. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Howard said on Friday Gary is going to be in Los Angeles to produce Celebrity Super Fan Roundtable. They'll have Jeff Probst, Natalie Maines, Jason Alexander, Andy Richter, Johnny Knoxville, Danny Zuker and many others on the show. That's from 2-4pm on Howard 101 this Friday. Howard said he's looking forward to that.
Howard said that Benjy was mentioned on a TV show. Howard said they brought Benjy up when they were talking about Anthony Weiner. Howard played an audio clip of them talking about Benjy and how he interrupted that press conference. Howard said Benjy sort of retired after that since he got tackled and hurt his leg. Benjy said there were two and at the first one he did get tackled.
Howard asked Benjy if he would go as Benjy or Ben-she. Benjy said he might go as both. He said if Anthony Weiner comes out of retirement maybe he will too.
Howard said it's time for Robin's news. They played her into her news with the song parody ''Robin Fuck My Dong.'' Howard asked who that was. Fred said he thinks it was Eli Braden. Howard said that kid is a talent. He said he sees big things in his future.
Howard took a call from Shandor who said that was a great interview with Rob Zombie. He asked if Howard can get him some AGT tickets. Howard asked Gary if he can do that. Gary said they can do that. Howard put him on hold so they could set him up.
Robin got to her news and said that she wants to say goodbye to Spartacus. Robin said the TV series was running on Starz for the last 5 years. Robin said it just ended. She said it was wonderful. Howard said he might have to download that. Robin said she thinks that Howard would like that better than Mad Men. Howard said he was wondering about which one to download. JD said that Howard might like that. He said that there is a lot of female nudity in that series. He said there's some male nudity too. Howard said that's fine as long as there's female nudity too.
Howard asked JD what the best series is to watch on iTunes. Robin said Boss was good. JD said that he didn't watch the second season of that show. Howard said he got a note saying that JD watched Mad Men in fast forward. JD said he just wanted to get through it. Howard said Richie Wilson suggested American Horror Story. Robin said the first season was great. Robin said that Spartacus is the one he should watch. Howard asked if Lucy Lawless is still good looking. JD said she's still hot. Robin said they have lots of good looking women, and men, on the show.
Robin read a story about how Reebok made a deal with rapper Rick Ross that every time he wore their shoes they'd pay him money. Howard said he'd do that. Robin said that deal ended when he did a song about date rape. Robin said Reebok pulled the deal so he's out $5 million. Robin had some of one of his songs but it wasn't the right one. Scott came in and said that wasn't the right song. Robin said she asked for the date rape song.
Robin read about a woman who has an art exhibit with pictures of herself nude and the neighbors complained and the cops didn't do anything once she gave a tour of her art gallery. Robin said the woman is very beautiful so they didn't bother doing anything about it.
Howard asked if it's true that the Westboro Baptist Church is going to protest the funerals of the Boston bombing victims. Robin said that is true. Howard said Boston is the kind of town that will beat the shit out of them if they do that. Robin said she hopes so. Howard said they don't advocate violence. Robin said they have come out saying that they are going to picket the funerals. Robin said they have said that this is God's punishment for accepting gay marriage.
Robin read about two men being removed from a United Airlines flight when they were acting suspiciously. Robin said they were speaking loudly and gesturing to each other. Robin said they were removed a second time and put on another flight. Howard said that's good. He said we have to keep an eye on all nudniks.
Robin said that they still don't have any suspects in the Boston bombings. Robin said they let the Saudi guy go. They say that he's harmless. Robin said the investigation is ongoing. Robin said they're saying that it's up to everyone who was there that it's up to them to catch this person. Robin said they're looking at videos and pictures from anyone who was there. Robin said the bombs were pressure cooker bombs. Robin said they loaded them with explosives and ball bearings to create the shrapnel. Robin said they would have been very heavy so they're looking for people who saw anyone who saw this person or persons walking around.
Howard said that guy Psy put out a new song and within 24 hours he set the record for most hits ever. Howard said people must just think that it's going to be a big hit.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said he did a great job on the Today show. Eric asked what he said to Nick Cannon after he shook his hand. Howard said Nick went over and shook Eric's hand. Howard said he was like ''Noooo'' when he saw it happening. Howard said he asked Nick if he shook that wet hand and Nick said he did and he had done it before. He said Eric's hand was really wet. Howard said it's gross. Howard said he feels so sorry for Nick. Howard said he must not be as germ phobic.
Eric said Nick is a great guy. He said he has a crush on Heidi Klum. Eric's phone connection was awful so they were having a hard time understanding what he was saying. Eric said his name was on TV this morning on FOX 5. Howard didn't find out anymore. He just thanked Eric for calling in and hung up. Robin said his connection was worse than King of All Blacks.
Howard played the Rick Ross song that Robin wanted to play earlier. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Howard said Selena Gomez is ready to start dating after breaking up with Justin Bieber. Robin said she's in that Spring Breakers movie that's coming out. Howard said Justin Bieber is trying to date Anne Frank. Howard said he doesn't know that she's dead. Robin said he was on with David Letterman and called the Sistine Chapel the ''Sixteen chapel.'' Howard said he's a big dopey kid.
Howard said that Khloe Kardashian came out and said that her sister's weight is off limits to talk about while she's pregnant. Howard said you have no right to pick and choose that stuff when you're famous just for being talked about.
Howard asked Robin if she read about this woman who made a Down syndrome doll. Robin said she did read about that. Howard said he thinks that's kind of cool. Robin said she doesn't get why people have to have dolls that look like them. Robin asked if everyone has to have Down Syndrome dolls now. Howard said Benjy's mom created the Mr. Potato head doll based on how Benjy looked. Robin said they should have a Down Syndrome Barbie doll. Howard said he wants a Down syndrome blow up doll. Robin said maybe a GI Joe Down Syndrome doll would be good too.
Howard said he was reading about this guy who lives in the woods and how he got a marriage proposal. Howard said he was thinking about how JD can't get one but this guy in the woods gets one. Howard said that has to change this year. He said JD has never looked better. Robin laughed. She said he looks the same. Howard said it must be that beard that she's laughing at.
Robin got back to her news and read about President Obama going up there for some memorial services. Robin said that they're saying that they won't say that it's terrorism but it's definitely terrorism if they blow something up like that.
Robin had some audio of one of the victims family talking about her granddaughter. Robin said there was a woman who was injured in the explosion and ended up on the cover of newspapers. Robin said the woman is 31 years old and a fitness trainer. Robin said her name is Nicole Gross. Howard said she's super hot. Robin said she has a broken leg and ankle and tissue damage. Robin said she was with her sister and brother-in-law who also had some injuries. Robin said the sister had to have part of her leg amputated. Robin said that there was a runner coming through and had just finished the race. He was disappointed in his time and then the explosion happened. She had some audio of the guy talking about what he experienced.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and thanked Howard for keeping people entertained when we're in dark times. She also gave some plugs for Beth's TV show and other appearances she's making. Howard hung up on her when she started to sing ''All I Need is Howard in my life...'' He did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a pipe bomb being found in a drain in Idaho. Robin had some audio of an official talking about that.
Howard asked Jon Hein if there's a new iPhone coming out. Jon said he hasn't heard anything. He said that if they do bring one out it'll probably be in the fall. Jon said he's not sure what they can do to compete with the Samsung phones that are coming out. Howard said he's going to stick with his Apple stuff either way.
Howard said there was one abortion clinic in Mississippi and a court had to order it to stay open. Howard said if there's one state that needs an abortion clinic it's that state. Howard asked if they have looked at people in Mississippi.
Fred told Howard that the rumor is that Apple has a new phone coming out in June. He said they're upping their production staff from what he was reading. He said it may come in up to 3 screen sizes. Howard said he thinks they're going to have a fingerprint unlock thing on it. He said he's looking forward to that.
Robin read about a senator who got a letter from someone who had put Ricin in the letter. Robin said that they have the senator under protective detail now. Robin said that every day something crazy is going on. Howard said people are inspired by this nonsense and they're nuts.
Howard read an email from someone who said that Zycam will work for him in a day or two. Howard said he's still waiting. That led into another live commercial read.
Robin read a story about Anthony Weiner who may run for mayor of New York. Howard said he thinks it's time to forgive the guy. Robin said he was sending pictures of his wiener to people. Gary said compared to what other people have done it's not so bad. Howard said it's just dumb. He said it's not that bad but it's really dumb. He said an affair would almost be easier to forgive. He said sending a picture of your dick in your underpants is just douchy. Howard said the guy is a good dude and they know him. Gary said he thinks this would be a great place to come to talk about this. Howard told Gary to give it a try. Robin didn't think it would work. While Gary was talking Fred would play scratches from a vinyl record over him. Howard and Gary were talking about Wiener's problems and why he says he did it. Howard said he was just acting like a high school kid. He said he never fucked any of the chicks. Gary said that maybe if he hadn't got caught it would have escalated to that. Howard said we'll never know. They spent a couple of minutes talking about sex and blow jobs. Howard ended up doing an impression of his parents having sex and making all of the noises while Ray was blowing Ben. Howard was shaking his cheek and talking like his mom. He had her telling Ben to cum on her titties and things like that. He brought them to completion. Gar said that was very uncomfortable to watch. Howard said his cheek hurts. Fred played a clip of Howard's mom laughing when he was all done.
Robin read some news about New Zealand making gay marriage legal in the country.
Robin read about Margaret Thatcher being put to rest today in Great Britain. Robin had some audio from the funeral.
Howard said he got some email about Rob Zombie's appearance on the show yesterday. Howard read one from someone who said they really enjoyed that interview. Howard said they made that guy's day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was in Boston on Friday night for the block party. He said he should have seen this girl who was propositioning JD. He said he's not sure what JD's deal is. Howard asked what's going on with JD's sex life. Howard said he was on a roll for a while there. Howard asked JD if he's getting anything lately. JD came in and said on Friday night that lady was married. JD said he's not getting laid a lot. He did get a little something this week. JD said he spent some time with someone.
Howard asked JD how many inches he is. JD laughed. Howard said he's serious. JD said he likes Howard's face when he asks these questions. He said he's big enough and thick enough. JD said that the interest seems to be more from girls not from New York. He said he barely goes out there. Howard said no one in his high school wanted him. He said all of his girlfriend's lived far away.
Ronnie came in and said he knows JD had a girl. He said that she came with a boyfriend last time but this time she came with a girl. JD said he didn't get both of them. JD said he had to pull out the couch for her. Ronnie said both of the girls were smoking hot. He said they were beautiful. JD said there are definitely perks with this block party. JD said he didn't get the red head. He said that she was just the friend. JD said he's trying to talk about what he can.
Robin said the MPAA is changing their ratings system. Robin said they are cracking down because of the violence in some movies. Robin wrapped up her news after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he just posted a video of what the next iPhone is going to be with a virtual keyboard. Howard said that video is fake. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon said that Benjy is there and he was one of the judges in the Sybian show. He asked how he judged. Benjy said he was basing it all on talent. He said he thought the last one was kind of serious and she had done some studying. He said he did understand the song and he knows it's very difficult.
Gary asked Benjy if he thinks that any 3rd grader could play that song. Benjy said he's comparing it to other contestants. Gary said he could have done what the other girls did. He said he didn't think he could play the violin. Gary said after 3 hours he bets he could get him to do that.
Jon said Raven won and it was tough for her to tell jokes while she was on the Sybian. He said he thought she did a good job. Gary said he thought they were pretty good jokes. He said it's all relative. He said it wasn't America's Got Talent or anything like that.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Howard's reenactment of his parents was really that awkward. Gary said he has known his parents for so long and it went on for a really long time. Benjy said he loves when Howard does his parents voices. He said that he likes that he can take that stigma away and do that kind of thing. He said that he liked when he had his mom call his dad Barrel. He said he loved that moment and that it was based on how long Ray was going to last.
Gary said Fred was wincing and he only played the one sound effect at the end. He said he thinks Fred was pretty uncomfortable. Jon said they had to get a break out of the way so they went to break after that.
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Gary said that whenever Howard gets sick he'll say that someone got him sick. Benjy said he would never say he has a cold before Howard gets sick. He said he'll blame you if he gets sick. Gary said he won't go in the studio if he's sick.
Jon asked Gary if he was happy Beth picked him in the ''Who would you bang'' game. Gary said he was happy. He said that he knows she wouldn't really want to do it. He said that he still appreciates it though.
Jon asked if he was surprised that she picked Sal as the one she wouldn't bang. Gary said he was kind of. He said he had forgotten that he was a dick to her. Gary said he thought she might pick Benjy. JD said he thought that he'd be the one. He said he hasn't had many conversations with her.
Benjy said he could see Beth picking JD as the one she would sleep with. He said it's really hard to say how she's judging. Gary said they all went out to dinner one night and Benjy was telling some really crazy, explicit sex stories. He said that's all he'll say about that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks JD is doing better with girls than he leads on. He said he's seen girls talking to him and he's getting laid. JD said there might be more interest than he lets on but he's not doing a lot of actual fucking.
Gary asked JD if he ever thinks that he may never find someone to marry. JD said no. Gary asked if he thinks there is someone out there for him. JD said it's not something on his mind at this moment. He said he has moments here and there where he wishes he had a girlfriend. JD said he likes his freedom but he'd like to be doing things with someone else once in a while. Gary asked how old he is. JD said he's 33. Gary asked when he thinks he'll be in the ''weird zone'' like Gange is in. JD said it'll get strange cone this contract runs out. He said he doesn't know where he'll be after that. JD said he doesn't know what he'll move on to do after this and he may not have that public ''known-ness'' that he has now. JD said that allows him to get more girls to know who he is. He said without this he doesn't know where he'd be.
Gary asked if JD would have more of a reason to settle down after this is over. JD said he doesn't know. Gary said JD hasn't really had a long term relationship and that could be an issue. JD said he's come close but they didn't last long.
JD said he can barely take care of himself and he can't imagine taking care of a kid. Jon asked if he'd ever want that. JD said he can't see that at the moment. Gary said that there's a big article about dads who are in their 60s. He said they were doing a whole thing about that. Jon had to take another break after that.
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Gary said Tom was in a lot of great movies. JD said he has been in a bunch. Jon asked what happens when you go through something like that. He said Robert Downey Jr. was able to turn things around and that seems to be the exception and not the rule. Gary said Tom needs to find someone to take a chance on him again.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Howard expected him to be so blind sided by the questions. Gary said they didn't at all. He said if something is in the book then it should be fair game to discuss. Gary said he thinks Tom knew about what was in the book and he was saying that it was being misinterpreted. Gary said he went in and talked to the publicist who said this was his first interview. Gary said it might have been different after two weeks of doing interviews. Jon said that's what makes it a good interview.
Jon said he wanted to talk more about the Sybian contest. He said Ronnie broke the tie but he knows JD was going to be the tie breaker. Gary asked who he would have voted for. JD said he was rooting for Amy Brooke. He said she's fucking hot. Jon asked if he saw the video where she had two hands in her ass. JD said he saw her in a shoplifting video where she had to apologize while the cop's dick was in her mouth.
Gary said he saw the meaty private parts that the girl was talking about. He said he had to get away from the Sybian when the girl said she had to squirt. He said he's got Post Traumatic Stress from the time he got hit in the face from a squirt. They had to end the show after that. They were done at 11:00am.
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Various Stuff. 4/18/00. 6:05am
Howard said that there was a sexual harassment meeting at the station yesterday.. He and Robin didn't attend it but a bunch of the other guys did. Howard heard that before the meeting started Jackie hung up a sign that said ''Blow Me'' on the TV that Tom was going to show a video on. Gary came in and said that if they'd had more time Jackie would have switched the sexual harassment tape with a porno to freak Tom out. Tom told everyone not to laugh during the meeting but Fred started laughing within minutes of the start. Steve the Engineer, the guy who plays Wood Yi, fell asleep in the meeting.
Howard said he's thinking about doing another movie and he's got a script in mind but it's being rewritten first. He's not sure if he's going to do the film but said he liked what he saw. No names were mentioned.
Howard's not masturbating as much as he used to. A listener asked him this morning how come he doesn't talk about it as much as he did when he was married. Howard said he's just not doing it as much as before because he's keeping so busy now. He said he's been working out and doing all of his other stuff so much that he doesn't take the time or effort to spank one off anymore. That led to Howard talking about how no matter how much he works out he never really looks that good. KC came in and told him that he needs to tan to make himself look better. Howard doesn't think that's the answer though. Howard then brought up how KC was the announcer at some all male revue at a club recently. KC said it wasn't a gay thing though. He said it was a club where about 600 women watch men strip. Howard asked him if he hooked up with any of the women but he said he wasn't going for that. He did say that some women were trying to strip his clothes off but he wasn't going for that either.
Bob Berglass' Ayds Disaster. 04/18/06. 7:20am
Howard had this guy Bob Berglass on the phone. Bob bought the company that put out the Ayds weight loss candy. The AIDS virus was just starting to become known when Bob bought the company back in 1987. That's around the time that it all blew up. Howard asked Bob if that was one of those moves that just blew him away. Bob said that the company also put out some other things like mouth wash and toothpaste. They weren't looking for the Ayds stuff but they ended up with the company. It turned out to be a mess because they were selling Ayds to people.
Artie said that move was a big boner at that time. Bob said that the sales at the time were about $5 million a year before the AIDS thing blew up. Howard thought the company had to be shut down but Bob said they just renamed the candy to Ayd-slim and tried that out. Howard said that the Ayds didn't really work anyway. Bob said that the candy was supposed to suppress your appetite but people would eat 6 or 7 instead of the two that they were supposed to.
Bob said that within 24 months of owning the product they had to shut it down because sales were so bad. It was tough to even get meetings with sales people to get the product out there. Now it's gone forever. Howard told the guy they should have changed the name to ''Cures Ayds.'' Bob now owns the Lanza hair care products. You can find out more at Lanza.com. Howard let Bob go a short time later.
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The David Lee Incident. 4/18/97. 7:15am
A caller by the name of Michael called in to ask Howard for some help getting in touch with David Lee Roth. Michael is dying for some reason... His doctors give him 4 to 5 years to live... So he wants to play guitar with David Lee. Quick thinking Howard had Fred pretend to be David Lee. Howard pretended that David Lee was a guest today and told Michael he was in the studio. Fred, doing his best impression of David, talked to Michael for a couple of minutes. Michael was convinced that it was actually David Lee. ''David Lee'' went on to give Michael his phone number. Howard said that he'd hit the delay so the number wouldn't go out over the air. The number he gave the guy was Jackie The JokeMan's joke line - 516-922-9463. A little while after Michael hung up some woman called in to tell Howard that the delay didn't work and the phone number went out over the air. Duh! Shortly after that the guy who runs the show down in Miami called in and said the same thing...double duh! The Miami guy even said he tried to block the number from going out over the air. Howard told him to never censor the show, that's Howard's responsibility. Even later in the show Michael called back to say that ''David Lee'' had given him Jackie's joke line. Fred went back into his impression and told the guy he was just joking with him. He gave him another number - 516-922-9571. I'm not sure what that one is but it's probably another joke line or something. It was so cruel yet so damn funny!
In the clip Howard said he has a guy on the phone who got some audio of Gary being heckled while he was out at an event they were doing. Howard said the guy was relentless. Howard picked up on the caller and he told Howard about what was going on there. Stuttering John came in and said that Gary was really bummed out by this.
Howard told the caller to play the audio. The caller played it and you could hear the guy saying Baba Booey and other versions of that name over and over. He was yelling it out and the caller could be heard giggling at it after the guy did it for a few seconds.
Howard said that was pretty intense. The caller said the only reason it ended was because the line moved and the guy went inside. Gary said he was suddenly yearning for the guy with the monkey mask. Gary said this guy was in his early 20s. Howard let the caller go and wrapped up.
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Premiere Magazine's Brantley Barden Calls In. 4/18/03. 7:55am
Howard took a couple more phone calls and one guy asked Howard about his wiping technique. Howard said he wipes 3 times and then uses wet toilet paper and then uses wet toilet paper to clean up after that to make sure it's all clean. He said he did that the other day at the station and forgot to dry himself off so he was walking around with a wet ass. Howard also said he wipes from back to front. Stuttering John said he goes from front to back. He wondered if Howard has any remnants of the toilet paper left behind when he wets the paper. John said he's tried wetting the paper and it leaves stuff behind. Artie said that he thinks there are times when John doesn't wipe at all.
Howard brought up the Las Vegas trip and talked about how his girlfriend has a whole new wardrobe for the trip. John asked if he thinks they'll be able to go to a strip club out there. Howard said he'll be able to go and Beth will go with him. Howard wanted Stuttering John to get out of the studio but he wanted to talk about Gary. John ended up talking about how he had about 20 beers yesterday for passover. He went to a Yankees game yesterday around noon and started drinking. He didn't finish until about 11 last night. Howard said the traffic has been horrible during the holiday. Howard and John shared some food stories. John said his wife's mother made brisket with Coca Cola.
Just How Pussy-Whipped Is Gary? 4/18/03. 8:30am
Stuttering John heard that Gary's wife and kids came to the station the other day with some friends. Howard said Mary and a friend were in the green room talking and Gary was chasing his kids around the studio. Gary said that wasn't true. He said that they came up and he showed everyone around. His son Lucas likes drums and he played with them back in one of the studios. Gary said he picked his son up when he was done playing and that was it. Gary said there was no partying going on between his wife and her friend. Gary said he is a little paranoid about his kids breaking stuff at work but he wasn't chasing them around like John heard he was. Howard said the worst thing they ever came up with was Bring your Kid to Work Day. He hates when people bring their kids in like that.
Gary said that there must be a gene in all women that makes them find something negative in everything guys do. Gary said that he was getting picked up by a car service the other day and though it would be great to be picked up in a limo. His wife told him to make sure the guy didn't honk the horn when he showed up. Gary said it really bummed him out. Howard went on to complain about women not working and complaining about their husband's work related stuff. Robin mentioned this story about writer Michael Crichton who got divorced and had to give up half of his $65 million earnings from the Jurassic Park stuff. She said the woman didn't even like the stuff her husband worked on but she was willing to take half the money from that.
Gary told the guys that his wife will kick him out of bed an hour early when his alarm goes off. Gary said he knows he's whipped. Tom Chiusano came in a minute later and said that his wife actually thanked him for everything he's provided her with. Howard and the guys ended up applauding her for that and Howard said that was an amazing story. Stuttering John had a similar story about his wife. He said he got a card from her thanking him for everything he's done for his family. Gary said he's heard that John becomes king of the house when he gets home on Friday night. He doesn't have the problems that Gary does.
Robin read some stuff from the story about Michael Crichton's wife and how she hated being around him when he was writing his books. Howard wondered why she took his money if she hated him so much when he was WORKING for that money. Howard couldn't stand to hear the story and started banging his head with the microphone. He said he was going to pile drive it into his head.
John and the guys talked about how nice Gary's house is but Howard said he doesn't want to see it because when he loses it in the divorce, he's going to hate to see Gary living in a trailer. Stuttering John said his wife is so great that she's packing his bags for Las Vegas and he didn't even have to ask her to do it. Artie said he only brings a toothbrush with him. He hardly packs a thing. Howard said he's a real degenerate. He had to take another break after that.
In the clip Gary told Howard that Jerry Seinfeld was there. Howard went into his impression of Jerry and did that while he waited for Jerry to come in. Gary said Jerry walked in so bright eyed and now he's being reminded of all of the stuff they do.
Howard told Gary to bring Jerry in. Jerry came in and said that he doesn't know what this impression is. He said he never said 'So hey' or 'who are these people' like Howard says. Howard kept doing his Seinfeld impression as he was talking to Jerry. Jerry was laughing and said he can tell it's going to be a hard morning. Robin was doing her impression too. Jerry said that Tom Hanks does an impression on Saturday Night Live but they never say it's an impression of him. He said it was very funny though.
Howard said he and Gilbert Gottfried left him an answering machine message that lasted about 45 minutes. Howard said that was very fun. Jerry said he was at the airport listening to that message. He said his machine was rewinding and rewinding and he wondered ''Hey, who are these people?''
Howard said Gilbert loves to do Jerry's voice. Howard was doing more of that and did his David Brenner impression too. Jerry said he's going to have to do an impression of Howard doing an impression of him.
Howard said Jerry if he finds Gilbert annoying. Jerry said he's brilliant. He said his act is great. Howard asked if he laughed when he got that answering machine message. Jerry said that he was at the airport so it wasn't funny at the time.
Jerry told Howard he's too big to do this show now. Howard said he's right. He said publicists will always tell him not to do the show. Howard did more of his impression of Jerry talking to his publicist and goofed on him about that. Jerry said he's there now and he doesn't have to do that impression. He said he has the real guy there.
Howard was talking about how hard it was for him to get girls as he was growing up. Jerry said people should see what he's wearing today. Howard said he has a tank top on. Howard said he's a heavy metal guy. He said he has that hair because he doesn't look good with short hair.
Howard said Jerry talked about Merv Griffin and what went on with him. Jerry said he did Merv's show the day the Challenger blew up. He said it wasn't easy getting laughs that day.
Howard said he's going to take a break and talk about the Seinfeld show. Howard said he has great ratings with the radio show. He said his channel 9 show beats Saturday Night Live. Jerry said wrestling beats it too. Howard said they get teenagers watching that stuff. Howard said people think he's a buffoon but he's really not. Howard said Jerry thinks that he's a goof. Howard said Jerry would rather talk to Al Roker. Jerry said he always knew Al was going to make it. He said he always had a great personality.
Jerry told Howard that his half hour with Tom Snyder was the best half hour of TV. He said he called Jay Leno and told him to get a tape in the machine. Howard said he didn't even want to do that show. He said he wasn't a fan of Tom's. He knew of him from Dan Aykroyd's impression of him. Howard said Tom was upset about not being on TV and he was blaming him. Howard said he's not the reason Tom isn't on TV. He said that guy is a wacky guy and he's not too bright. He said he looks like he should be bright but he's not. Howard said he and Tom argued on the show over nothing and he told him that it was stupid. He said he never argues like that. Howard said he didn't think it was great TV at the time but it turned out it was.
Howard said that Jerry's TV show is good. Jerry said there have been a lot of shows in that time slot that haven't been in the top 10. Howard said Jerry must be caught up in the ratings. Jerry said that they are still doing well. Robin said the show is very good. She said even before anyone saw it she was saying that. Howard said they've been behind it since the beginning when it was called The Seinfeld Chronicles.
Jerry told Howard that most of the show is just conversations between him and Larry David. He said Larry is a comedian writes the show with him.
After an edited out break Howard came back and asked Jerry about what he and Jay Leno have been doing lately. Jerry told Howard about some conversations they've had. Howard asked Jerry if he'll ever get married. Jerry said he has never had that feeling that he wants to be with the same woman for the rest of his life. He said he may some day though. Howard asked if he's ever been jealous of anyone possibly getting a woman he's with. Jerry said he's not that insecure.
Howard started doing his Seinfeld impression again and did some material. Robin started doing her impression too. Howard got back to the sex talk and said that he must love having a new woman's hand down his pants. Jerry said it's not as good as working. Robin said they're not buying that.
Howard said Jerry is pretty clean when he works. Jerry said he doesn't want to scare off his fans. Howard asked what the longest relationship he's had. Jerry said 3 years is about as long as one has lasted. He said that it's not the best industry to meet women. Jerry said he had a woman call him the other day asking him out. He said he's not sure how she got his number. He said this is insane behavior and he has to explain that to the person.
Howard asked Jerry where he met the model that he dated for 3 years. Jerry said it was at someone's house. Howard asked if it was at the Playboy mansion. Jerry said he's never been there but he'd like to go. Robin said she's been there and it's not that nice. She said that it looks like the Clampetts moved in there. Jerry said he heard that the girls all have glazed over eyes like they were kidnapped or something.
Howard told Jerry to stop looking at his watch. Jerry said he has another interview to do. Howard said he figured he wanted to leave. Jerry said he has another 10 minutes.
Howard asked Jerry where he will take a date. Jerry said he'll take them out to dinner and then take them back to his place. Howard said that must be great. Jerry said Howard is so horny. Howard said he really is.
Howard said he went to see Jay Leno at a comedy show and Jay was goofing on him there. Howard said that he didn't have to do that. Howard said they pick on the easiest thing to pick on in the room. Jerry said Howard has a career and he doesn't need a look. Howard said he had that look in high school and he likes to keep it that way. He said it works for him. Jerry said guys do tend to find a look and stick with it. Howard said he has one of the few jobs where he can wear what he wants.
Howard said they should be getting on in Los Angeles soon. Howard said they're on in three markets already. He said he thinks he'll be big out there. Howard said he's not nervous about competing against Rick Dees. Howard said he had to take a break after that. He did a little more of his Seinfeld impression and wrapped up with Jerry.
In the clip Howard was talking to Gary about going to a Pearl Jam concert. Gary told Howard he thinks that Eddie Vedder is a weird dude. He said he kept spitting during the concert and he spits up big gobs. Howard said he saw him do that on Saturday Night Live. Howard said Eddie used to be a happy guy but now he's gotten to be that rock star guy. He said even in the movie Singles he was kind of moody. Howard said now you see him and he seems to be in turmoil. He said he has his hands covering his face and it's so contrived. Howard said you can tell it is.
Gary said Eddie was saying weird stuff last night. He said that someone said they loved him and Eddie said that they really don't love him. Gary said he thinks he gave a message about Kurt Cobain too. He told Howard about a list of F-this and f-that and said that you should pick life over anything else.
Howard said the spitting thing is pretty bad. Stuttering John said that they didn't do their song ''Live'' and he wondered if that's because of Kurt. Gary said they didn't do the song ''Black'' either and he said it may have been because they think the song is bastardized from being played too much.
John said he still has the interview. Howard said he should play some of John's interviews but he has a lot to get to. Howard asked John if MTV is going to play his video. John said he's not sure yet. He said they have to screen it first. John said they were trying to get on Jay Leno's show but they were turned down. Howard said he should try to get on Saturday Night Live.
Gary said John got a kind of Luke warm review of his new album. He said they called it funny but it's not supposed to be funny. Gary said he heard that someone had to sit John down for an hour about the review. He said John was crushed by it. Howard said he always expects bad reviews so he tends to agree with the reviews he gets. He said he isn't a real fan of himself. Howard said John might be in trouble if they don't play his video on MTV.
Howard asked if they can bribe anyone to play the video at MTV. John laughed. Howard said he has seen some new videos and they must be getting paid off over there. Robin said she sees that video with the girl in the bumble bee outfit and she wants to shoot her TV. Gary said that video actually made the album. The album wasn't doing well and the video got it going.
Gary told Howard they have some girls waiting to get naked. John said his mom is coming there too. He had a long stutter that cracked everyone up. Howard said he'd like to meet John's mother. That led to John talking about the names his family has. He said his mom's name is Aase and he has other odd names on her side of the family. Fred started doing his impression of John and goofed on him about that for a short time.
After an edited out break Howard said he got a fax from a guy who saw John at the Pearl Jam concert and he saw him talking to a girl and shaking her. John said he was talking to her but not shaking her. John said he and Karen were arguing and he went to hug her and she didn't want to hug him. Howard said that sounds like shaking to him.
John's mom showed up so Howard said she can come in quickly. Howard had the guys bring in Aase. Howard said she thanks him for taking him in all the time. Howard said at least he's making money while he's working there. Aase came in a short time later. Howard asked if she wanted to take her clothes off. She laughed and said she didn't.
Howard asked Aase if she likes John's music. She said she likes two of his songs. Aase said that Pavarotti is her favorite singer. Howard asked what caused John's stuttering. He asked if was the beatings or the starvation. Aase said he was the youngest and his brothers and sisters never let him finish talking. Howard asked what age he started stuttering. Aase said that it was in first grade. Howard said it made him famous. Howard asked if she even calls him Stuttering John. Aase said she doesn't but people know who he is. Howard said Aase speaks better than John and she wasn't even born in this country. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Aase and then said he had to let her go.
Ilona Selke The Dolphin Woman. 4/18/00. 7:55am
This woman Ilona Selke called in this morning to talk about how she can talk to dolphins telepathically. She also had a book to promote called ''Journey to the Center of Creation : Entering the World of Dolphins and the Dimensions of Dreamtime''. She first brought up how Elian Gonzalez, the little Cuban kid who floated here to the States, claims that dolphins protected him on his trip here. He claims that the dolphins kept him awake and watched over him while he was floating here in an inner tube. Ilona then went on to tell Howard how she has spoken to dolphins telepathically. She claims that she asked some dolphins if they ever have homosexual relationships. They reacted to it by coming together and performing sexual acts in front of her. Howard wasn't believing any of this stuff. He said that there's no way that anyone is speaking to animals telepathically. Ilona also said that pet owners are sometimes able to speak to their pets telepathically. Howard said that just doesn't happen and if Ilona was able to do that she'd be a billionaire. Ilona also sells tapes of people doing things with dolphins. She and Howard were talking about having sex with animals but the delay was being hit so quite bit of that was cut out of the show. After hearing all of this stuff Howard asked Ilona if she has ever been institutionalized. Ilona says she hasn't. He also asked her if she takes any medication. She doesn't. She told Howard that she doesn't even smoke dope. Robin suggested that perhaps she should start. You can find out more about Ilona, her book and video tapes at LivingFromVision.com.
In the clip Howard was talking to Janie the Cleaning Lady about some of the other jobs she's had cleaning people's homes. Howard wondered if she had ever lived in anyone's home. Janie said she hadn't. She wouldn't want that. Howard said he's seen homes that have maid's quarters in them. He said that's just a room where you stick some black woman. Howard said he doesn't like that.
Howard talked to Janie about the difference between black and Jamaican people. He said that he thinks that they're all ''blacks'' to him. He said he doesn't see the difference. Janie said she does.
Howard asked Janie about the cleaning outfit she has on because it was an old one. The cleaning guys had new ones. Janie said they got new ones but not her. Howard said it looks like it hasn't been cleaned in about 6 months. Janie said that stuff is stuck. She said those stains are in there forever. Howard said the new uniforms are dark blue. Janie's was light blue. Howard said they're polyester and they look like they are. Robin said they didn't even try to make them look like another material. They spent a few more minutes on that and then went to break.
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Sal's Phone Sex Call To Jessica Hahn. 04/18/06. 8:00am
Howard came back from break and played some more of the phony Rush Limbaugh clips that he was playing first thing this morning. He then moved on to talk about this Esquire magazine issue where they do a Jenna Jameson layout that is really sexy. He showed some of the pictures to Robin and Artie. He said he's not sure when it comes out but Jenna looks awesome. Robin said she doesn't think that those pictures are the best Jenna has ever taken. She said ''yuck'' to them but all of the guys were into them.
Howard said that Sal made a prank call to Jessica Hahn and ended up having phone sex with her. He said that Sal was calling her to tell her that he wasn't feeling so good. Howard played the call where Sal told her that he's just a mess. She said that she couldn't do it on the phone because her housekeeper was there. She sent her out of the room a short time later and started to get into it with him. She was saying that she'd be licking his balls and cock and then she would flip him over and lick the crack of his ass. Sal was telling her to spit in the crack of his ass and moaning as that was going on. He said he was smacking her face with his dick and things like that and then had her shoving a candle up his ass. He pretended to finish himself off and said he was going to mail the tissues to her so she could autograph them.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 9:00am.
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Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:15am.