|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show taking a phone call from a guy who asked if Robin saw the injury the kid from Louisville suffered. Howard said he didn't. He said he doesn't like basketball other than the Knicks. He said he went to a Knick game on Wednesday and sat next to Chris Rock and Patrick Ewing. Howard said Chris knows the game. Robin said he's fun to watch at the games.
Howard said Patrick was a coach for a year or something. The caller said that he's interviewed for some jobs but he's never landed one. Howard said he talks to those guys like he knows the game but he really doesn't. Howard said he lived in an all black neighborhood and never got picked to play. He said Chris told him he was bad and he lived in a white neighborhood so he was always picked to play but he was no good.
Howard said Patrick talked to him about playing the game and studying it. Howard said he thought that he was saying he was a coach but he misunderstood. Howard said he was asking Patrick if baskets were worth 2 points.
Howard said he didn't see this injury that the caller is talking about. The caller said the guy landed awkwardly and he broke his leg and the bone came through the skin. He said the players were crying but CBS played the clip multiple times. He wondered if that's the right thing to do. Howard said he likes seeing things like that. He said he gets angry if they don't show something like that. He said he wants to see the slo-mo and all of that.
Howard said they have a lot of controversy about him talking about AGT. He said they're going to be doing a taping next week. Howard said that's on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. He said they're taping at the Hammerstein Ballroom. He said he thinks that's it. Gary said they have a link on HowardStern.com if anyone wants to go.
Howard said they've done something very exciting there. He said Howard 101 is going to have a new format. He said it debuts today. He said they changed the name of it to AGT 101 and you can tune in and listen to it right now. Howard said you can hear the High Pitch Mike and Sanjaya show going on right now. Howard played some of that audio and said that the Howard 101 will now be AGT 101. He said that's going to be that way for a full year. He ran down the list of shows that will replace all of the shows on Howard 101. He said that they'll have replays of interviews with Howie Mandel for AGT Shuffle and things like that. He said they'll be doing live shows with Jon Leiberman and other people like that.
Howard broke in on Mike and Sanjaya's show and congratulated them on their new show. Robin asked what it's like for them to get up at this hour. Sanjaya said he's alright with it. Howard said he's an expert on these type of programs. Howard asked if they'll talk about what the contestants are going through and things like that. Sanjaya said they're going to figure it all out and who the cast will be. He said that they're going to figure out who they want to watch the rest of the season.
Robin asked if they have seen anyone they think will be a contender. Howard said he's going to give them back stage access during the season. Howard said this channel is not for people like Judd Apatow who don't want to hear this kind of stuff. Howard said the big interview with Jason Raff will happen in the 8 o'clock hour. Howard said this is going to be all AGT all the time.
Mike said they hope to get Howard on the channel in the coming weeks. Howard said he's looking forward to it.
Howard asked Sanjaya if he's performing in the subway now. Sanjaya said he has been doing that lately. He said it's great. Howard said a lot of the people on AGT are street performers too. Howard let them go a short time later.
Howard listened in as Mike and Sanjaya did their thing. Mike was saying that they have some people from AGT calling in this morning. Howard said he loves the new channel.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he smells a bad fart there. He said it has to be a bad April Fools joke. Howard said it's not. He said it is April Fools but it's not a trick. He said the channel will be there tomorrow. Howard said they're going to be pushing into the future with this new channel. He said if it is a joke it's going to be going on for the next 12 months.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about Jackie's Joke Hunt. Howard said they're going to move to Howard 100 once a month. The caller said he must be pissed about that. Howard said Jackie isn't so happy about it. He said he wants to tune in later to hear AGT Shuffle where they play interviews with the AGT judges and people like that.
Howard said he's been watching Splash lately and he's wondering how it's doing in the ratings. He said he didn't stick with the show after watching the first episode. Jon Hein came in and said they are dropping in the ratings. Howard said Louie Anderson was crying on the show because he's so into it. Howard played a clip where Louie broke down saying he didn't want to die doing this. He said it would crush him if he had to drop out of the show though. Then he started crying. He said he's not a quitter but he was quitting. Howard said he is a quitter if he's quitting.
Howard said Louis is like 400 pounds. He said he thinks it's wrong to have him on the show diving if he's that heavy. He said he heard he may have broken some ribs. Robin said that's not so surprising. Howard said he's quit and you can tell he quit his diet. Howard said people think it's cruel to say that but it's not. He said he's saying he's not a quitter but he's quit on himself. He said he's committing suicide in a way. Howard said he would rather die slowly than quickly. Howard said they used him as a freak on the show. He's a 400 pound guy diving off a diving board. He said he must not have anything going on in his life. Robin said he should try something he can do. Howard said the guy is a good comic and he's wondering what's going on with that. He said he might still be doing that but he doesn't know.
Howard said Jenny McCarthy has admitted to masturbating to Carmen Electra while watching her on Howard TV. Howard played a clip of Jenny talking about what she did. They bleeped something out of the discussion with one of the other people there with her. Howard said he can't tell what they bleeped out.
Howard said he had a clip from The Ben Show where they sing a song called ''Eating Pussy And Kicking Ass.'' He said he thinks this is pretty funny. Howard played the clip and said the song gets kind of uncomfortable in the second half. The guys on the show sing about eating and kicking ass and they sing about sucking dick too. Howard said he likes that song. He said someone played it for him and they told him it was from The Ben Show and it must be good if they can write a song like that.
Howard had a clip of a representative from Alaska talking about using ''wetbacks'' to work on their farm when he was a kid. Howard said this is a guy who is a congressman. Robin said people like this should quit. She said that they see how stupid they are when the say things like that. Howard said you just have to keep your mouth shut and not say things like ''wetbacks.''
Howard played a clip from a porn where this girl got a dick in her ass accidentally. She screams when it happens. Howard played the clip and then tuned into AGT 101 for a minute.
Howard listened to Mike and Sanjaya talking to one of the contestants on America's Got Talent. Howard said anyone bored by his show can tune into AGT 101 for the next year. Robin said that they're going to go through this season and then wrap up the season and then talk about the next season. Robin asked if Howard is going back next year. Howard said he doesn't know about that. Howard said he made a deal with NBC so they had to commit to one year. He said they had to have access to people like Jason Raff so he had to make that deal.
Howard said they're going to have Simon Cowell on in 6 months or so. He said they may even have an interview with Paul Telegdy from NBC. He said that's a big deal.
Howard listened to more of Mike and Sanjaya. He listened for a few seconds and then tuned out. Howard asked Robin if she saw the NY Times article about Tony Visconte talking about a new album that's coming out. Howard said Tony used to come on the show a lot and he wrote a theme song for his Fartman movie. He asked Fred if he ever plays that. Fred said it slips his mind. He played some of it for Howard. Howard said he thought the guys were going to pull random stuff out of the system to play. Fred said he thought so too.
Howard said if you've been wondering what it would sound like if Big Foot and Underdog Lady had sex they've created it. Howard played the clip of Jay Tesoro and Rachel Butera doing their impressions of Big Foot and Underdog.
Howard played a clip of Debbie the Pet Lady screwing and throwing stuff in her home. She was screaming about how much she hates them. Robin said she hopes she lives in a single family home. Howard said he doesn't think so and her neighbors must really hate her. Howard said Debbie calls and screams and rants when she calls there.
Howard said they have a very busy show today. He said they have Bobby Moynihan from Saturday Night Live is coming in to tell his story. Howard and Robin talked about what SNL is like these days and how they have more than one black guy on now. Howard said they used to have just one at a time.
Howard said he was reading about a sports discussion where Doug Gottleib said that he was there to give the white man's perspective on something. Howard said people freaked out about it and said it was racist. Howard said Charles Barkley got upset and said something. He played the audio of all of that. Barkley said that they didn't take that personally. Robin said that people take things too seriously.
Howard said that the fat guy from North Korea is acting up again. Howard said he would like to make him dive on Celebrity Splash. He said you know he's a little bitch. Robin said they should send him for a time out. She said it's crazy. Howard said he's losing confidence in Dennis Rodman and they may have to send in Gary Busey to take care of this. He said we may need Dennis to go back to North Korea. He said he never thought he'd say that.
Howard said this kid is 28 years old and his dad left him the whole country as his inheritance. Howard said he wants to go to war with South Korea now. He said the old man made crazy statements and never acted on it. He said you don't know what the kid is going to do.
Howard said Justin Bieber has a pet monkey. He said he was thinking that he's just like Michael Jackson in that way. Howard said the monkey had to be taken away from him when he went to another country. He said that's crazy behavior.
Howard said he has to thank Robin for something. He said she's done a lot of things and she never did get a pet monkey. He said he appreciates that. He said she brings class to the show. Robin said she's never dangled a baby off a balcony either.
Howard said he flew to Germany with Gary once and they quarantined Gary thinking he was a monkey. He said they detained his nose as well. Howard said he used to spank the monkey when he was Justin Bieber's age. He said he never owned one. He said his mother didn't think they should own animals. He did an impression of her talking about how it wasn't right to own animals.
Howard said Justin Bieber is out of control lately from what he's been reading. Howard said his music sucks so that's what's holding him back from being a rock star.
Howard said Ashley Judd decided not to urn for senate. Howard said there won't be any Double Ds in the senate other than Chris Christie if he runs. Howard said he always wanted to fuck Ashley Judd. He said he never had that chance. Robin said something could happen in the future. Howard said you never know but he's having a great time in his marriage.
Howard said he read that Barbara Walters is retiring. Robin said that's not until 2014 though. Howard said they still have time to say goodbye to her now.
Howard said Jay Leno is retiring too. Howard said he can't stand the guy. Howard said he read that Cate Blanchett is getting $10 million to be the face of Giorgio Armanni. Howard said he can't believe that they'd pay that much for something like that. Howard said he could probably be the face of Liquid Ass. He asked Robin if she thinks he'd be good for Liquid Ass. Robin said they may not have 10 million for him. Howard said he had to take a break. He reminded everyone that AGT 101 is on the air and you can tune in and hear what's going on over there now. Howard played some of what Mike and Sanjaya were talking about. They had Jon Leiberman in with them. Jon said he's going to go embedded with Howard this season so he'll have a lot of exclusive stuff on AGT 101. Howard said you can hear all of that on AGT 101 this season. Howard said every day from 8-9am they'll have Live with Jon Leiberman talking to Jason Raff from NBC. Howard said they're going to cover everything about AGT over there. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said this Jay Leno stuff continues to build. He said there's a whole article about the late night stuff. He said it's like 20 pages long so he asked Jon Hein to come in and explain it to them. Howard said they do agree that he'd be the guy to come in and do something completely different.
Jon came in and said that this is from Grantland. Howard asked what that is. Jon said they do a lot of sports and pop culture kind of articles. Howard asked when he has time to read that. Jon said he read it yesterday. He said he read it on his phone. Howard asked if he has certain web sites he goes to. Jon said yes. He said he checks them every day. Jon said he has a few that he goes to every day.
Howard asked Jon what he reads every day. Jon said he goes to ESPN and Grantland. He said he goes to the NY Times for news. Howard said Jon is on top of things. Jon said it's just web sites. Howard said he has to check some web sites. He said he checks Twitter and it's so boring. He said he has to check out this Grantland. Jon said he goes to TV Tattle too.
Howard asked what this article is about. Jon said that the guy who wrote it said that he knows Howard would shake things up and not do the typical late night show. Howard said he's not saying that he's doing it but if he did, there wouldn't be a desk. He said he might have an Ottoman. He said he might have a coffee table and he'd be suspended in air and hover. He said he's right. Howard said he would drink from Johnny Carson's skull. He said he'll dig up his grave and have his skull on the desk. Robin said it has too many holes. Howard said the water will pour out of Johnny's eyes. He said he'll drink Perrier with a spritz of cranberry.
Howard said his crew will be all black Muslim. He said when you see the crew you're going to see all of them. He said they'll look really different. Howard said they'll all be black other than him.
Howard said he'll drink from Johnny's skull and interview various people. He said one day he'll be interviewing Sanjaya. Howard said you can hear him on AGT 101. Howard said you can hear AGT Shuffle right now if you tune in.
Howard read some comments people were making about him going on at 12:35 in the morning in late night. Howard said people were saying that he shouldn't take anything but 11:35. Howard said he could do one night a week if they had 5 different hosts during the week. Howard said he could do one night. Howard said he could do a Friday night or something. He said he'd have his black Muslim crew and he'd be drinking from Johnny's skull. Robin asked why black Muslims. Howard said it's just different. Robin asked what their purpose would be. Howard said it's all about the look. He said it's like going to a restaurant that has a different atmosphere. Howard said he'll just do one night a week and let 4 other guys do the other nights.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loves this AGT 101. Howard said now they have that and if you want AGT talk you can have it. The caller asked if he ever thought he'd have Sanjaya working for him. Howard said this is his new home. Howard said he did a great job this morning.
The caller said he was watching Californication and they have nothing but Howard Stern references on the show. He said they have a character named Ophelia Robin. He said she's a man hating woman with cats. Howard said that's smart to tap into the Howard Stern audience. Howard said he hasn't seen David Duchovny in years. He said he was a sex addict. Howard said he calls a sex addict just being a guy. Howard said sometimes men can't be married for life. He said they get 10-15 years and they're out. Howard said he learned that on Beverly Hills Housewives. Robin said there should not be any real wisdom coming out of that show. Howard said he was watching the show and Brandi Glanville was saying that sometimes marriage is only 10 years and maybe 15. She said you just don't know. Howard said it was something like that.
Howard took a call from Ass Napkin Ed who asked if it's true he's being fired from AGT. Ed said he read it in Page Six of the NY Post. Robin asked if he's pulling an April Fools joke. Ed said ''yes.'' He told Howard 819 a couple of times. Howard forgot what that even meant. Robin said He is the 8th letter in the alphabet and 19 is for S in Stern.
Howard played some song parodies that they made with Tony Bennett. They had the dog from the band Caninus and Robin singing Cocaine with him.
Howard said General Petraeus giving a speech where he apologizes for the controversy he caused. In the clip they had audio of a woman giving him oral under the podium. Robin said she's surprised that he's still with his wife. Howard said it shows that this really is a man's world.
Howard said the show is so annoying but he's going to play one clip. He said he had about 10 but he can only take one. Howard played the audio and Jon and Gary were talking about vinyl and how this album they were looking at was 180 gram vinyl. Jon said that's the heaviest you can get. Howard said this is what the whole show is like. He said he would never think to do a show like his. He said he can't even imagine pitching it. Howard said VH1 Classic must be desperate. Howard said they're constantly visiting people who have vinyl. He asked who gives a rats fucking ass.
Howard played some audio of Richard asking people if they had ever heard the term ''Pieces of vinyl.'' They were all saying no and they had no idea what it even meant. He played a couple of song parodies about Gary and his vinyl comments.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if there is any truth to the fact that Howard might be ending his contract early. Howard said there was a big article in the news about buying a house in Florida. He said that they think he's doing it to avoid taxes. Howard said he works in New York and his main residence is in New York. He said he's not getting away from taxes by doing that.
Howard said he was talking to some people in Florida and someone said that no one cares about him down there or even knows him. Then two days later the article came out about how he was moving down there to avoid taxes. He said he wasn't talking about taxes down there and he lives in New york. He said if he bought a house down there it would be for vacation. He said he's not going to move the whole show down there. He said Robin would probably go but not the whole staff. Howard said he has 3 more years on his contract and he's going to work it all unless the company wants to fire him and pay him off. He said he's there for the next 3 years. The caller said that's good.
Howard said Howard 101 has changed to AGT 101 but Howard 100 is staying the same. He said they're excited about that. The caller said he's been checking out 101.
Howard said everything about the article was wrong. He said he's not moving to Florida. He said he's not trying to avoid any taxes by buying a house down there. He said he loves living in New York and they have everything there. He said he would love to have a vacation situation down there in Florida. He said the weather is phenomenal. He said it's finally warming up there in New York but not very fast. Robin said she still needs a coat when she goes out. Howard said he was bundled up this morning. They had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said that was Eli Braden checking in with the song about Jay. Howard said there's a lot of singing going on. Howard said his favorite song is that Mariann song. He asked if Robin heard that. Robin said she did. Howard replayed the song where Mariann sang ''My Voice is Beautiful.''
Howard said that song is brilliant. He said it might be the most brilliant song ever done. Howard played another AGT 101 commercial where they had a contestant talking about his upcoming show. It was The Harp Show. Howard said that they've been getting a lot of phone calls about the new shows over on AGT 101. Howard said now they have Jon Leiberman doing his interview with Jason Raff. He said they have a lot of things coming up on AGT 101. He said they're getting bigger ratings than they are. Robin said he created something to compete with them and it's doing better.
Howard said Sean Penn's son said the N-word. He said he was in a Paparazzi situation and Hopper Penn used the N-word. Howard said Hopper says that the Paparazzi made him feel like he was under attack so he used the word.
Howard said the other big news is that Kirsten Dunst said in an interview that when she was a young girl she felt that kissing Brad Pitt was disgusting. Howard said if she really wants to know disgusting she should kiss him.
Howard said they played those interviews where they asked women if they'd rather be with Tiger Woods or Howard Stern and they were picking Tiger. Howard said women really don't like him. Howard said that's shocking.
Robin said Hopper Penn must have been named after Dennis Hopper. Howard said he saw that Dax Sheppard and Kristen Bell named their daughter Lincoln. Howard said maybe they named it after the movie Lincoln.
Howard said Harry Houdini proved that they're all fake. Robin said that he proved that no one is talking to the dead. Howard said Benjy told her what a fraud it was. Robin said that was the telephone psychics. She said there has to be some real ones. Howard said there are no real psychics. He said they would be powerful if they were real. Robin said they can't use their powers for themselves or for personal gain. Howard said it's unbelievable. He said he hates seeing people wasting money on that bullshit. Robin said it's entertainment. Howard said Robin has money to burn but a lot of people don't.
Howard said he's reading about this guy who won the lottery. He said he won $350 million and he has some nerve. He said this guy is busy buying lottery tickets and he owed back child support. Howard said he should have been giving that money to the mother of his child. Robin said he's going to be paying the rent for his neighbors or something. Howard said he should stick it in the bank and leave it alone. He said he should pay his child support too. Howard said he's going to end up with $150 million. He said you can't buy lottery tickets if you owe money to your child. He said this is why the country is going down hill. Howard said he has to take a break and then get to Bobby Moynihan.
Howard came back and said that Bobby Moynihan is there. He said that Bobby's dream was to be on Saturday Night Live.
Howard said Bobby doesn't look like Artie in real life but he does on TV. Howard said he first noticed him because he looked like Artie. Bobby said he gets that a lot. Howard said he liked him because he looked like Artie. Bobby said the Monday after his first show he was listening to Howard and he said he was terrified that he wasn't going to like him. He said he has been watching Howard since he was a kid. He said he grew up in East Chester. Howard said his goal in life was to be on SNL. Bobby said he still can't believe that this is happening. He said it's fascinating.
Howard said when he was in college radio everyone wanted to be on NBC and had grand plans. Howard said none of them ended up in radio for the most part. Howard said to walk around your whole life wanting something like that is insane. Bobby said it's like saying you want to be in space.
Bobby said he used to make videos of himself walking out of the bathroom introducing himself like Don Pardo. Howard asked what it was like hearing Don Pardo saying his name for the first time. Bobby said he cried. He said he's very fan boyish and it's crazy to go to work there. He said there is nothing about the show he hasn't read.
Howard said he's fascinated by the show. He said he was offered a chance to host and he went into Lorne Michaels' office with such an attitude that he didn't get it. Howard said he wouldn't want to work on SNL because it's like Lord of the Flies. Howard said they have a dozen or so people working to get on the air and they're cut throat. Howard said there are popular guys who get fired from the show all the time.
Bobby said his first couple of years were all encompassing. He said he wanted to stay on the show. He said this is his fifth season. Howard asked if he worried that he wouldn't be asked to come back. Bobby said he's okay now. He said the first couple of years were rough. He said he's pretty happy in his normal life. He said he would wake up terrified. He said he just wanted to do stuff every week being on the show.
Howard asked if having that emotional thing with the show hurts him. Bobby said there are people who get there and they get it immediately. He said there are some that take longer and that's what it was for him. He said it was all in his head though.
Howard said his Drunk Uncle character is great. Bobby said he and his buddy Colin Jost wrote it together. Howard asked if he felt like they were going to get rid of him right away. Bobby said he felt that they didn't have someone like him there for a while. He said it felt like things were all going on again and he would get one line in a sketch and he loved it. He said that he would do anything they wanted him to do.
Howard asked Bobby when he realized the dream. Bobby said it was early on. He said he used to study stuff before the internet was even around. He said he would go to different places to study everything he could. He said he did some stand up but not for long. Howard said his father thought he should take acting lessons if he wanted to be on the air. Bobby said he did a lot of stuff like that. He said he always wanted to be on SNL. He said he had to do other things if he didn't get on SNL though.
Bobby said he had Lorne's picture and Jim Henson's picture on his wall as a kid. Howard asked if his parents thought he was gay. Bobby said they may have. He told Howard that the picture of Lorne had one of the cranes they use for a camera and that crane is still there so it's touching to be there. Howard said that is really odd. He asked if his parents understood all of that. Bobby said they did. Howard asked what his dad did. Bobby said he owned a liquor shop in New Rochelle. Bobby said he played hockey during high school and college. He said he told his dad he was going to study acting. He said he told his dad he was going to be on SNL and he didn't even really know what it was. He said he was just happy he had health insurance.
bobby told Howard that he went to U-Conn and started in the Upright Citizen's Brigade. He said that was in 2001. He said he's 36 now and he was pretty young back when that was happening. Bobby said he signed up for classes there and he still does them there. bobby said he was working as a bartender at a Pizzeria Uno at the time.
Howard asked if he was the funny guy growing up. Bobby said he was. He said he did some theater and he drew a lot. He said he made people laugh. He said he was a fat little weirdo.
Howard asked who he met at the Upright Citizen's Brigade. Bobby said he met Amy Poehler and a bunch of other people. He said they all work on NBC Thursday nights now. He said when he got there he was like the last one before they moved to a new theater. Howard asked if he just did that to get SNL. Bobby said they had like 30 people there and they would stay up all night writing these bits and then they'd go out and perform them for years. He said he met Horatio Sands there too.
Howard asked how he got the audition for SNL. Bobby said he had been around for a couple of years at UCB and he started a touring company. He said he heard about the auditions for SNL and he wanted to go do that. Howard asked how many years he had to put in there. Bobby said he did 8-10 years at UCB. He said that you have to spend 10 years doing what you like to do to get on SNL.
Howard said it's not as easy at it looks to get on SNL. He said he had to work his ass off at Pizzeria Uno and then UCB. Bobby said he didn't make a lot of money there either. He said that they don't pay you to do that stuff. It's more like a thank you for letting you be part of the show.
Howard asked if his parents were after him to do something with his life. Bobby said his dad was quiet about it but his mom was very supportive. He said he was going to get a promotion at Uno but he decided to get out and do something with his career.
Howard asked about where Bobby was living and what it was like moving back home. Bobby said he would go home at 2 in the morning to his parents house with a box of wings from Pizzeria Uno. He said he did get out in his early 20s from his parents house. Howard said that a lot of people waste their lives and never get on SNL.
Bobby said he sent in a tape for SNL and didn't hear anything back. He said he sent it to one of the producers on the show. He said he eventually got called in and got to audition in front of Lorne. Howard said everyone describes that moment as earth shattering. Bobby said he still gets chills walking into the studios over there.
Howard said Jimmy Fallon claims that he was the only guy who made Lorne laugh during his audition. He asked Bobby if he got any laughs. Bobby said he thinks he did. He said he auditioned twice actually. He said one of them was with Lorne and he felt like he was the only guy in the room. Bobby said he rehearsed the same 5 minutes for about a year. He said the first audition was really rough. He said he did a bunch of characters that he has done on SNL. Bobby said he did a Nathan Lane impression and it was the dumbest joke in the world. He said it was Nathan Lane for the Hamburger Society. He told Howard what it was like and he said he thinks that Lorne laughed at him for doing something so crazy.
Howard said Bobby has rehearsed for a year and a half and only came up with Nathan Lane. Bobby said he did Kevin Smith and Hurley from Lost trying to open a jar of sauce and throwing in a ''dude'' here and there. Howard said he thinks that's funny. Bobby said that guy is the nicest guy in the world. He said he has met him. Bobby said he's doing well with his career. Howard said he worries about Jorge's weight.
Howard asked Bobby about how his second audition went. Bobby said he felt like he won fantasy camp. He said he loved the show for so long and he never thought it would happen. Howard asked what he wore going in there for the audition. Bobby said he didn't get dressed up. He said he thought through everything he wanted to say. He said it was completely the best going in there and Lorne was the nicest guy in the world. Bobby said he felt like he was on a first date with Lorne asking where he grew up and things like that.
Howard asked if he has ever over stayed his welcome in Lorne's office. Bobby said that he has done that. He said early on he asked about doing another job and he went to Lorne to ask. He said Lorne told him he'd be fine and he should have gotten out. He said he stayed one question too long and asked how he was doing on the show. He said Lorne told him he could go after that.
Bobby said they're starting up again for the show this week. He said they have Melissa McCarthy hosting. He said they'll go in and start pitching ideas for the show today. Howard asked if people will pitch sketch ideas. Howard asked what ideas he has for the pitch meeting. Bobby said he has a few ideas. He said he saw a guy walking with a snow board out on the street this morning so he's going to pitch something to them about Melissa McCarthy being a snow boarder. Howard said he has an idea for him. He said he could dress up like a cousin of Jenny McCarthy like Melissa is Jenny's cousin and they can be the family that complains about Jenny's looks. Bobby said that might be better than his idea. Howard told him to pitch his idea instead of that snow boarding thing. Bobby said that you don't want to give away all of your ideas on Monday because you want to have something for later in the week.
Howard said Bobby should pitch himself being Kim Jong Un. Bobby said he has done that actually. bobby said that was pretty recently. He said he hopes the guy never sees the show because he's going to blow them up if he sees him ding his horrible impression of him.
Howard asked Bobby if he walks into the room and has nothing. Bobby said he has pitched some really bad stuff. He said he walked in there one day and John Hamm was the host. He said he had stuff he wanted to write but didn't give it away. He said he pitched Tall Napoleon and he was a nice guy because he was tall. He said he had a theme song for it too. He said it was the dumbest thing in the world and he knew by the look on John's face that it wasn't going to go over. Howard said he likes that Tall Napoleon.
Howard said he likes Tall Kim Jong Un. He said he might be angry because he's short too. Howard said he can't imagine getting up and pitching the sketches to 40 people. Bobby said that's the worst part of the week. He said they all know that they're half faking it. He said they're all sitting on the ground and throwing these things around.
Bobby said the pitch thing doesn't really matter. He said once you say something it's over and forgotten about in a few seconds. Bobby said he has heard crazy ideas thrown out there and he thinks they're real but they're just guys throwing those ideas out that they're not going to go with.
Howard asked Bobby about how he found out he was getting on the show. Bobby said he remembers Lorne talking about starting him in January. He said he wasn't saying he was hiring him so he didn't know what was happening. He said he was asked to cut his hair and shave his beard to see what's going on under there. Bobby said he shaved his beard and cried like a baby. He said it was like a Zach Galifianakis beard. He said the writer's strike happened right around then and he had no idea if he was going to have his dream come true or not. He said he had to sit there in limbo for 14 months. He said that was with 7 or 8 months with lead up to the audition. He said he didn't hear anything for 14 months. Then the phone rang and it was SNL calling to say that they had to hire a girl to replace one of the cast who had a baby. He said he thought his dream was over at that point. Howard asked if he offered to have a sex change to take that spot. Bobby said he plays girls on the show often so he could do that.
Howard asked what he did for those 14 months. Bobby said he was sitting and thinking and doing a lot of writing. He said he ended up getting very lucky. He had done some bits for Conan O'Brien's old show. He said it was just little things. He said he got some movies and he was in ''The Invention of Lying'' and ''When in Rome.'' He said he got to talk to Danny DeVito about how he almost got SNL. He said he was just happy working and not being crazy for quitting bar tending.
Bobby said he got a call about being in a web series with Seth and Bill Hader. He said that he got to do that and it was very nice. Then the next day Seth called and asked him to come in and audition that week. He said he had to come up with all new material in 2 days. He said he had to audition again and do his whole spiel. He did that on Conan's stage. Bobby said he figured they knew him and he wanted to do the dumb stuff that he finds funny. He said on the subway there someone came on and called someone an asshat so he improvised a bit where he was a guy selling something called asshats. Bobby said he did his impression of Snagglepuss. He said it was ridiculous.
Howard said Jimmy Fallon's audition tape was the best. Bobby said that was a great one. He said he has a lot of friends who audition and he tells them to show as many different type of things they can do. He said you have to give a variety of things. Howard asked if his audition is online. Bobby said he doubts it. He said they put that stuff on the best of DVDs.
Bobby said he used to roll down the window and ask people how to get somewhere and when they didn't know he would give them directions instead. Bobby said he did that in his audition. He said he would do a lot of stuff like that in his audition to let them know what he was capable of.
Bobby told Howard that Bill Hader does a great Howard Stern impression. He said they tried to get it on the show but it's never worked out. He said he was going to play Artie and Bill was going to play Howard. He said his impression is amazing and Bill can pick up on voices like that. He said he's a great mimic.
Bobby told Howard that Seth pitched an idea to Adam Levine where they would do the Sopranos as if they were in high school. He said he was going to work on a Tony Soprano impression. He said it was one of his favorite things he ever did. He said he sat there for 10 hours practicing his Tony Soprano voice. He did some of that for Howard. Bobby said he asked Darrell Hammond how to do that and he told him to just look for mannerisms and things. Howard said that's tough. He asked what phrase he does to get into the voice. Bobby said he would say certain things that he would mimic. He said he just wanted to do a good job with it.
Bobby said he has worked on a character for hours and then he goes in and tells them and they tell him he's going to be Wendy the Snapple lady instead.
Howard asked Bobby if he's freaking out about people getting fired from the show all the time. Bobby said he has a 7 year contract and he's hoping that Chris Christie runs for President. He said he might get a couple more years out of that. Howard asked if he's working on an exit strategy. Bobby said he doesn't overly think about that stuff. He said he could be out after 7 years. He said he worries about Lorne coming to him and saying that he's done. Howard said he could be done or he could be done with Bobby. Howard said he has no problem letting people go. Bobby said he can. He said he's given 127 comedians their life too though.
Bobby said he's been on the show for a while now and he's not terrified about getting sketches on. He said when they have a break he teaks a break and writes something like a movie instead of working on bits for the show.
Howard said Lorne Michaels is his life right now. He asked what he gets him for Christmas. Bobby said he gets him a card. Robin said that's not impressive. Howard said someone bought him a canoe. He said that might have been Jimmy Fallon. Bobby said he might have to get him two canoes. Howard said he can get him a Kayak instead.
Howard said Bobby has a new movie out. He said he likes this strategy. Howard asked if he had to ask to do it. Bobby said he did. He said that he's been on the show a while now so he can do that. Howard said the movie is called ''The Brass Teapot'' and it's available on iTunes and On Demand right now and it'll be out in theaters soon. Bobby said he plays the fat friend.
Howard said Paul Giamatti pulled off the fat guy lead man. bobby said he thinks that Seth Rogen pulled it off and opened some doors. He said he read that Howard was going to play the Scarecrow in Batman and he thought that would have been amazing. Howard said no one ever spoke to him about that but he remembers reading about it too. Howard said he would have been psyched to play that part. Bobby said he walked around asking people if they could believe it.
Howard asked Bobby if they pay a lot on SNL. Bobby said ''sure!'' Howard said that you hope that you're the next Belushi or Akroyd. Bobby said he would do it for free. Robin said you never say that out loud. Howard asked if he has his own apartment. Bobby said he does.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Bobby does a Sam Kinison impression. Bobby said he did one but it's not one he still does. He said that's the one that gave him the most anxiety. He said Back to the Future had its 25th anniversary and he wanted to do a bunch of characters doing the parts in the movie. He said they made him do the voice. He said he was trying to think of someone else from that time period to do it. He said he kind of looked like Sam in the sketch so he did one line. He said he didn't master it though. He said he cringes when he hears it. He said he grabbed the microphone with two hands and did a line from the movie. He did some of that for Howard but he said there are other people who do better impressions.
Howard asked Bobby if he's ever been into the drug thing. Bobby said he hasn't gotten into anything hard. Howard asked if he felt he had to go through the dark period like Belushi. Bobby said he never did cocaine or even drank that much. He said his dad had a liquor store but he didn't drink much. He said his dad did but he doesn't drink now. He said he saw what it did to his body so he didn't go there.
Howard asked Bobby about his dad and what it was like growing up with the liquor store. Bobby said he only took cash. He said he didn't want to have a credit card machine.
Howard said it's great meeting Bobby. He said he's a big fan of his. He asked if he's going to support the family with his SNL money. Bobby said he hopes to be able to do that soon.
Howard asked Bobby what he's doing for characters on the show. Bobby said he's doing more Drunk Uncle and he has some other characters he's working on. He plays Snooki too. Howard asked how long that takes to get set up for. Bobby said it used to take a long time but they've got it down pretty good now. He said he used to do sketches where he had orange on his knuckles for the next sketch. He said they do some crazy costume changes and it's crazy because it's live. He said he once put on a pair of pants that said ''J. Belushi'' inside it. He said he had a bra that said John Goodman/Linda Tripp in it. He said he's seen a lot of the costumes from old shows and he's taken pictures of them. He said they have the Church Lady costume there and he looks at that and thinks about how he went out as that character for Halloween one year. Bobby said they had the costume there for when Dana Carvey hosted. He said that he played Snooki in the Church Chat sketch.
Bobby said they have a whole database where you can watch the dress rehearsal version of the old sketches. He said he would stay there late to watch all of that stuff. He said now he's just happy and content.
Howard asked if they tell you to stare at the cue card instead of the other actor. Bobby said when you do that the eye lines are right. He said when they stare at the actor that's when it looks wrong. Bobby said they might change a line so you have to read the cue cards. He said he just stares at them himself. Howard said the temptation is to stare at the actor. Bobby said that's what it's like.
bobby said that when you're in a sketch with people then you have to do that. Howard asked if he's ever missed a cue card. Bobby said he had that happen once. He said he was doing a thing by himself at the cold start. He said that they had a guy in the news about a guy who was messing around with his male Aides. He said he was doing an exit interview with Kristin Wiig and the scroll wasn't there for him. He said the cue card guy lifted the card and hit was the wrong card. He said they have 3 sets there and his had the monologue. He said the guy walked away when he realized they were wrong. Bobby said he had to look over his shoulder. He said Kristin knew something was going on and then the cue card guy realized what happened and held the cards for both of them. He said he was terrified at that moment. He said that kind of stuff happens so the guy wasn't fired or anything.
bobby said they did a Kevin Hart sketch and they had to stop for like 2 seconds when they had an extra card slipped in there. He said it can be scary like that.
Bobby said his first episode was magic. He said he was in 8 out of 9 sketches and then he woke up the next day thinking he had to keep doing this. Howard asked if he taped the show and watched it. Bobby said he did and it was the worst. He said now it's just fun. Bobby said he thinks Fred Armisen is really funny and he talked to him about doing a sketch that he didn't remember doing. Bobby said he's gotten that way with his own stuff. He said he hears his voice on the air and he forgot that he did a sketch from years ago. He said that this is going to be his 106th episode and they do like 10 sketches a week. He said some of the stuff only goes to dress rehearsal and he thinks that it made it to air.
Howard said he feels comfortable on microphone and it's almost more uncomfortable off microphone. Bobby said that he had to transition from the fan boy into that career. Bobby said he got a call from the car service saying they were going to be late so he said he was just going to walk to make sure he made it on the show.
Howard said he's shocked that Justin Timberlake is good on SNL. Bobby said he has a sketch where he plays Michael McDonald and it's hilarious. He said he hopes it gets on the air eventually.
Howard gave bobby another plug for his movie ''The Brass Teapot.'' bobby said it's about a magical teapot that people find and it can fix you if you're hurt. He said the people get money if they get hurt. Bobby said they have a fat friend, and he's the fat friend.
Howard asked Bobby if he has a girlfriend. Bobby said he does. He said he met her at an after party. bobby said one time this girl talked to him for about an hour and a half and then ''What is Howard like?'' Bobby said he had to tell her he wasn't Artie Lange. Bobby said his girlfriend is someone he met at the Upright Citizen's Brigade. He said she was on Smash recently and she's in on Broadway too. Howard said they're like a power couple.
Howard thanked Bobby for coming in and gave him some more plugs for the movie. Howard said he wishes him the best of luck and said he enjoys him on SNL. He told him to come back and visit again. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that their new channel, AGT 101 is on now. Howard said they're in AGT Shuffle right now. Howard said Ralph called in during the Leiberman Live show and announced his new show called Ralph's All Access Pass on AGT 101 at Noon on Friday. Howard said he will be interviewing the judges and going behind the scenes during the season. Ronnie will have a show where he talks about driving to the AGT shows. He said his hair dresser is going to have her own show where she talks about blow drying his hair. Howard said that the West Coast listeners will have to tune into Howard 100 for the replays of the show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's a big fan and he thanked him for the new channel. Another caller asked if the channel is gone for good. Howard said it's going to be on for a year. He said that they're going right up to the next season. Howard told the guy about some of the shows they have coming up on AGT 101. The caller said it sounds like a fun station.
The caller asked if Howard is going to run with Jesse Ventura in 2016. Howard said he's thinking about it. He said he might be hosting Leno's show and Fallon's show plus running for president. He said he's going to be very busy.
Howard said this guy Oscar Pistorius is being allowed to leave the country even though he's up on charges. He said he's going to compete in something. Robin said he's going to Australia. Howard said he didn't know that. Robin said she's actually not sure. Howard said the guy is South African. Robin thought he was from Australia.
Howard said that he has some audio of Ryan Seacrest interviewing Chris Brown and it's really annoying. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked about what this AGT 101 is. Howard said this is for people who want to hear about AGT. Howard told the guy this is for the people who love AGT. The caller asked if it's a prank. Howard said it's not. He played a commercial for Ben Black's new AGT 101 radio show about archery. Howard said there it is. The caller said he's not convinced. Howard said they took everything else off the air. He said that they still have Howard 100.
Howard said that AGT 101 isn't for everyone. He said they can program to smaller groups of people with that channel now. Howard said they have a niche there.
Robin read a story about a 6 year old Afghan girl whose father is going to have to give her to another family to marry a 17 year old. He can't pay his debts so he has to give up his 6 year old daughter. Howard said that's like the middle ages. He said he can't believe that shit is still going down. Robin said he's about $2,500 in debt and he won't be able to pay it in a year so he'll have to turn over his daughter. Howard said he was promised Beth when he was 26 and she was only 6. He said they made good on their word. Sometimes it works out. Howard said Obama just appointed the first female head of the Secret Service. He said Bill Clinton is kicking himself for not doing that himself. Howard did his Clinton impression for a minute. Howard played a bit the guys did with Tracey Millman as the head of the Secret Service.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked where the West Coast feed is. Howard said they had to make room for AGT 101. Howard said they've canceled the West Coast feed for a year. He said that they might get another channel for that though. The caller said he was going to be angry but he realized that this is an April Fools Day joke. Howard said it's really not. He said he didn't have the good sense to plan that out. Howard said they should check out the High Pitch Mike and Sanjaya show this morning to see if that's a joke.
Robin read about how DirecTV is promoting that the OWN network is now on their service. Howard said he doesn't get why Oprah gets all of this attention and he can't even get paid what he's owed from this company. Robin read about some of the shows that are on OWN that no one has ever heard of. Robin read the titles of the show and Howard recognized one from when he copied some of Oprah's tweets a while back. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel is going to have a wedding and he hopes that he doesn't have Oprah there. He said that would be kind of awkward. Howard said he's not sure he'll even make it to the wedding. He said Jimmy is a good friend though. He said he should make it. Howard said it all depends on the AGT schedule.
Robin said Lindsay Lohan is in the NY Daily News today. Howard said she had her tits hanging out. Howard said she was wearing a nightgown and her tits were just about hanging out. Robin said they'd be seeing nip if she didn't have her hair draped over them. Howard said nips get men crazy. He said he's not even sure why. Robin said she finds it odd but that's what it's like to be a man. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard said the Howard Stern Show theme song contest is still going on. He said they're going to review some of the songs tomorrow. Howard played one from Eli Braden and said they have a lot of others. He played another one that was a rap song. Howard said that's hard core rapping. Howard said they'll get to the rest tomorrow.
Robin read a story about it being April Fools day. Robin said people play practical jokes on friends and strangers alike. Robin said it stared with teachers in the 19th century. Robin said teachers would point to the sky and tell their students that there were geese up there. Howard said he's glad he lives now. Robin said now people switch salt with sugar and sometimes people set back clocks so their roommates show up late for class. Robin read about some other things people do on this day.
Robin said The Onion wrote an article about how YouTube was going to be ending. Robin had some audio of them talking about how the site will go back on line in 2023. Robin said google also got into a prank with Google Nose. Robin had some audio of them doing a commercial for the new service for searching for smells.
Howard said he read about how Bob Teeg died. Howard said that David Hinkley was the only guy who did any kind of obituary for the guy. Howard read another live commercial a short time later.
Robin read about it being Easter yesterday. Robin said that Pope Francis gave his first Easter address yesterday. Robin read some details about that.
Robin read a story about two District Attorney's being killed in Texas. Robin said they found the second one this weekend. Howard said this guy was very brave and bold. Robin said there's some kind of group that may have gone after him.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that it is April Fools and AGT 101 seems to be a fake thing. Howard said that channel is going to be around for a long time. He told the caller that GEEKTIME is gone but Ralph will have a show where he talks about flying around the country with him and gives some behind the scenes stories. The caller said he loves AGT but he will miss AGT. Howard said you'll get used to it.
Robin read a story about the Ku Klux Klan rallying in Tennessee. Robin said they were upset because of the renaming of 3 city parks that honored confederate troops. Robin had some audio of some people talking about what was going on there.
Robin read about a woman who went to Washington DC to talk to Congress about cancer. She has a hole in her throat from cancer. Howard said he sees kids smoking every day and he gets upset about that. He doesn't want to breathe any of that crap in himself. He said he used to smoke a lot in college. He said he quit in his sophomore or junior year. Howard said he smoked for a few years but he felt so dumb when he woke up and realized what he was doing.
Robin read a story about a man who was involved with a shooting at a church on Sunday. Robin said the guy was shot in the head allegedly by his son. Robin had some audio of an official talking about what happened. Robin said the 52 year old was killed and the son apparently did it. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the United States sending stealth bombers to South Korea. Robin said that the 60th anniversary of the Korean war is coming up this summer. Howard said this guy is a loon over there in North Korea.
Jeff the Drunk called in and said he has a My Pillow which is a new sponsor there. He said he loves the pillow. Jeff said it's awesome. Howard said that pillow must smell wonderful. Jeff said it actually does. Howard thanked him for the call. He said he actually is convincing as a spokesman.
Robin said she has a great idea for Bobby Moynihan to do a bit. She said they're going to artificially inseminate a giant panda so maybe Bobby could come up with a sketch about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he was calling to complain about Debbie the Pet Lady on Howard 101. He said he gets it now though.
The caller said he has been listening to the show for years and it's such an honor to talk to him. Howard said he was driving around and listening to the show and himself and it really is entertaining. Howard said he agrees with the guy. He said the show is such a great show. The caller said he hopes Robin gets well soon and also told Benjy to take off those stupid shoes he's wearing. Howard said his feet smell like Liquid Ass.
Robin read a story about a face transplant recipient in the same church where he was burned. Robin read about the guy getting the face transplant in 2011 and he met the woman at the support group they were both going to. Robin read about how the guy was burned by a high tension wire and burned to the bone as well as losing his sight. Robin read about how the guy was in a cherry picker when he touched that wire. Howard said it would be great if he had a threesome with his wife and with the woman who had her face ripped off by the chimp. Howard said he's happy for the guy finding a woman he can love. Howard said it has to be tough to go through life like that.
Robin read about a football player who came out. Robin said Kwame Harris came out and said that it was tough being a gay man in the NFL. Howard said it's tough wherever you are. He said it's tough to live openly if you're a gay man. He said people give you a hard time no matter what.
Robin read about a couple of tourists that were robbed, raped and killed in Rio.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's glad they have AGT 101 going on. He said this show is the only reason he got Sirius. The guy said he wants his million bucks because Howard didn't get a raise on AGT. Howard told him to come down there and say that to his face. The guy said he will. Howard said he has to get that guy a show on AGT 101. Howard said Ralph will have a show on AGT 101 on Friday. Ralph said it's called Ralph AGT All Access Pass. He said they'll have everything AGT on AGT 101. Ralph said he's not sure when Toni will be on but they should have her on this week or next week to talk about doing Howard's hair.
Robin said Victoria's Secret was putting out a line of clothes called ''Bright Young Things'' but it caused an uproar from mothers of teenage girls. Robin had some audio of a mother talking about how this isn't a message they want for young girls. Robin said the thong underwear they were selling had things that said ''Call Me'' or ''I'm feeling lucky'' written on the front. Howard said he had a line of thongs that said ''I'm not shaving yet'' on them. Robin had a couple of other clips of a guy talking about the clothing line.
Robin read about the finale of The Bible being on this weekend. Robin said Twitter was set afire by the end of the show. Howard said he had no interest in watching that at all. Robin said we all know the story. Robin said last night ended with the execution of Jesus Christ. Robin said people were on Twitter commenting on the torture scenes. Robin said they had record numbers watching the History channel thanks to that show. Howard said he's sure The Walking Dead did more than 10 million. Howard said Jesus is kind of like a zombie since he came back from the dead. He said he'd watch that show if that's how they portrayed Jesus.
Robin read about the college student who broke his leg during the game yesterday. Robin said they operated on his leg this morning. Robin had some audio of a doctor talking about the break and how the bone came through the soft tissue. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon went through some other things that happened on the show today like Robin bringing up The Walking Dead and talking spoilers while the staff in the back were hoping she wouldn't.
Jon said Scott DePace was talking about women believing in psychics and how Howard believed that. Jon said there are a few guys there who believe very strongly in psychics and one of them is Sal Governale. Jon said Sal believes in that hook, line and sinker. Jon said Howard doesn't want a part of it but Sal believes it. Steve said he knows women people who believe it and they're women. Jon said he knows some people who believe it and have spent some big money on it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he wanted to bring up AGT 101. He said he didn't care about AGT at first and he hasn't been listening that long but he appreciates being able to hear Mammary Lane and Stern Show Shuffle but he won't be able to with this new channel. Jon said that Howard took crap from people about talking AGT so people can listen there. He said they can listen to Howard 100 if they don't dig it. Jon said that the West Coast feed is just on Howard 100 2 hours later than usual. It hasn't gone away.
The caller said that he wishes Jon and Gary the best with their TV show too. Jon said they don't do only vinyl on the show. He said that's what they've gotten to be known for though. They had to take a break after that.
Steve asked Gary if he had any weird ones on his wall. Gary said he had a Bruce Springsteen poster on his wall. He said that wasn't that weird though.
Jon said his friend had Queen's bicycle race poster up. Steve asked Gary which album cover he had that scared him. It was Blood Sweat and Tears ''Child is Father To The Man.'' Gary said that used to scare the shit out of him. He said it was adult midgets and it weirded him out as a kid.
Jon said they were talking about Bobby Moynihan. He said he loves how Lorne Michaels still has the writer's meeting on Monday and they pitch ideas where some are real and some aren't. Gary said they have a writer's meeting and you have to get in there and be your own best advocate. Jon said at SNL they gun for you though. He said no one there on the stern Show is looking for credit like they would on SNL. Jon said he thought that whole thing was interesting. He said he liked how Bobby said he credit the first time Don Pardo said his name.
Gary said they get different stories from everyone who was on SNL and they're all interesting. Jon said that he talked about being in the Upright Citizen's Brigade. They talked about Amy Poehler being one of the founders of that group. Gary said he doesn't know the other two guy's names. Jon and Steve told him that one of the guys is pretty famous and he's on Veep.
Gary said they're trying to get Bill Hader up there. Jon said it did sound like a funny bit they were going to do. Gary said Elon Gold used to do a Howard impression. He said he was really good and so was Michael McKean. Steve said Fallon did Howard on SNL too.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if SNL is even funny anymore. Gary said this current group is the best in a long time. The caller said he listens very infrequently. He said that he doesn't like it when he sees it. Gary said it is an uneven show. He said in 1978 it was perfection from beginning to end. He said he thinks it's a really good show right now though. The caller asked if it's worth talking to them now with the show not being that notable. Gary said he thinks there are people who know them and they're talented people. Jon said he thinks that the cast is extremely talented but the writing isn't that good in his opinion. He said he's not as high on it as Gary is.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked if Gary is upset that Howard doesn't follow him on Twitter. Gary said he's not and he might be better off not following him. He said he doesn't tweet enough to care. He said Howard follows JD. He asked Jon if Howard follows him. Jon said he does. The caller said he would have thought he would followed Gary before some of the others. Gary said he really doesn't care that much about Twitter to be upset.
Gary said JD is about to surpass him on Twitter with followers. He said he has like 200,000. Gary said for JD it might be his best way to get his thoughts out there for people to see. They went to break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's curious what they thought about this AGT 101 being a retaliation for the fans that didn't want him talking about it. Gary said he thinks it's a way for the fans to hear the AGT stuff without Howard talking about it. The caller asked what they're going to do with the other programming. Jon said they will move it to when Howard is off on Howard 100.
Jon asked Gary what he thought about the women believing in psychics thing. Gary said he tends to believe that. He said that Sal is into the Long Island Medium and he pitches to get her on the show in their meetings. He said he finds that a little effeminate. Gary said Sal was blown away by her when he went to see her. Gary said you can explain how it works to Sal and he'll say ''Oh. I can see that now.''
Jon took a call from a guy who said that this AGT thing seems like one giant infomercial. He said he loves hearing the other stuff they play on Howard 101 and he thinks that Howard is whoring himself out with this whole thing. Gary said that's one opinion. He said there is an audience out there who will enjoy it. The caller said he gets that but why not have one show about AGT instead of 24 hours of AGT. Jon said they did have an AGT wrap up show last year and now it's going to be a full time channel. Jon and Gary spent another minute with the caller and then ended the show around 11:00am.
Howard started the show taking a call from Wolfie who was wondering if he thinks Jon or Gary is a better broadcaster. Howard said it's Gary. He said Jon is a great broadcaster and he hired him while he was working at an SAT testing company. Howard said Gary is a better broadcaster though. He said Gary has more opinions. He said he's a go to guy. Robin said he likes to talk. Howard said Jon serves a good purpose. He said he knows how to move things along. He said he's excellent. Gary can fill in the holes though. Howard said if he had to do a show with someone he'd go to Gary. He said it would be in the way he goes to Robin. Howard said he'd pick Gary if he had to.
Wolfie said that Jon and Gary went to Pittsburgh to see a record collection and it was all in boxes so they couldn't see it. Howard said that show has to be something other than going to see vinyl stores. Robin said they're supposed to be in boxes and that's how they should be seen. Howard said it doesn't make good TV. Robin said records don't make good TV anywhere.
Gary said the show isn't just about vinyl and Howard has never even seen the show. Howard said he's proud to admit that he has never seen it. Howard said it's just stupid to do a show about vinyl. Howard said they should have been talking to Jack White about his career and not about vinyl on that show. Howard said no one cares.
Wolfie asked what the end game of the show is. Howard said they just want a show. Howard said he's getting back to Jon and Gary as broadcasters. Howard said he thinks Jon is a terrific broadcaster. He said his voice is better than Gary's and his delivery is very good. Howard said Gary has a lot of information and he knows how to express it on the air. Howard said he doesn't know when to clam up but that's the guy he'd pick if he had to do a show with someone. He said Gary is his go to guy. That's why he teamed Jon and Gary up.
Wolfie asked if he thinks that John is a great broadcaster. Howard said he's going with Gary and not changing. He said he's not changing his answer.
Howard played some voice mails from people who were upset about the Howard 101 change. There were angry people and people crying about the changes. There were people who were just cursing them out. Howard got some laughs from the comments they were getting.
Howard said on Twitter it was even worse. Howard read a few of the comments they got from angry listeners. People were threatening to cancel their service and saying he's old and boring now. Howard said people were upset on the West Coast about not getting their feed on 101.
Howard said that pushed some people over the edge to cancel. He said he doesn't care. He said everyone can cancel if they want. Howard said that they put together this channel just for April Fools.
Howard asked if anyone broke the news to Sanjaya yet. He said he was so happy to have a job for a day. Howard said Howard 101 is back on. Howard said he wanted to run AGT 101 for a full year but Tim wondered how long they should keep it going. It just went for a day.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he left a very angry message yesterday about that channel. Howard said a lot of people did that. The caller said he's sorry he did that. Howard said tis' fine. He said it upset a lot of people.
Robin said she almost fell for an April Fools prank. Howard said he fell for one. He said Beth called and told him that Doug Goodstein is having twins. Howard said he wrote him a note and it turns out it was a joke. Howard said no one would think it's a joke and it's not funny. Robin said it's not supposed to be funny. You're supposed to be duped. Howard said that's like saying Robin just fell down. He said you'd wonder if she's okay. Robin said those are the things that you'd believe.
Howard said he had a guy on the news who does an April Fools joke that he found witty and fun but then he ruined it by saying April Fools. Howard played the clip from a Cleveland newscast. The guy said that Howard Stern was filling in for Jay Leno tonight. Then he said ''April Fools!'' before anyone could even react. Howard said he bailed in a millisecond. Howard said he wishes he had thought of that. He said he could have gone on the air and said he was going to fill in.
Robin said she fell for something similar. She said she was watching The Talk with Sharon Osbourne and she came out and said she went to a fertility clinic and she found a woman who was donating an egg so they were going to have her artificially inseminated and said that she was pregnant. Robin said she was going on and on and everyone was going crazy for her saying that she was having a baby at 65. Robin said that she stated to text Howard and then realized it was April 1st. She said it went on for a long time though. Robin said before she went to commercial she said ''April Fools everybody.''
Howard said he got the call from Beth so he wasn't sure what the joke was. He said he's with her on that though. Howard said maybe they should go out on the street and see how the world reacts to that news.
Howard said he was jerking off last night. Robin asked if he really was. Howard said he was. He said he gets away from it and then gets sucked back in. Howard said he was watching Game of Thrones last night and he got back into that. He said he likes the story but he has problems figuring out who everyone is. Robin said the cast is so big that it's hard to follow. She said it takes two weeks to get into the show. Howard said he really likes the Khaleesi.
Howard said he listened to some stuff for today's show and then he was going to go watch The Voice. He said he wanted to masturbate first since Beth wasn't home. Howard said he got back on the Doctor/Patient theme. He said he can't believe that he's attracted to doctors acting inappropriately. He said this one was a female gynecologist who was dressed in a mini skirt. He said it was split in the middle. Then this young girl comes in and this doctor is feeling up the titties forever. He said it was in German so he didn't know what they were talking about. He said she must have been doing a breast exam. He said it must be a German thing because he can't find any in English. He said maybe it's illegal here in the States or something.
Howard said this gynecologist has so many things she's sticking in this girl. He said this girl is on a bench and not even in a doctor's office. He said it looks like a back office of a pharmacy or something. He said after he finished he was analyzing himself wondering why he likes this. He said he wondered what it is that he should understand about himself. He said he found out he's not trying to tell himself anything. He said he just flushed his tissues down and tried to pee for an hour. Howard said he made a doody after that. He said everything was emptying at the same time.
Howard said he went to bed and then fell asleep like a baby. Howard said he was completely drained. Robin laughed at that. Howard said he was completely happy and figured he had treated himself well. Howard said this German porn is better than the Rosetta Stone. He said he's going to learn what they're talking about by watching German porn. Howard said he could go to a doctor in Germany and get seduced.
Howard played some German porn and said that half of that is German and half is English. He said he could go to Germany and get his vagina examined.
Pete asked if they still have a lot to talk about. Howard said he still enjoys his marriage and he enjoys his time with his wife. Pete asked if he still sleeps in the same bed. Howard said absolutely not. He said they sleep in separate rooms. He was kidding and said of course they sleep in the same bed. Howard said he thinks that's important. Pete asked if there are problems in the marriage. Howard said if there are he's not picking up on them. Howard said maybe Pete and Beth should go to counseling to figure it out.
Pete said Howard does meditation and he has done it through his therapy. Howard said he's been doing it since he was 18. Pete asked if he has ever seen different places and dimensions during meditation. Howard said what happens during meditation is not important. He said he has had things happen during meditation and it's just a release of stress. He said it's not important what happens. He said he ended up on a different planet once but it turned out it was just Fred's apartment.
Pete said he has seen some UFOs and things and he wondered if Howard believes in Aliens. Howard said no. He said there is no life on other planets. He said we're alone in this universe. Pete said Howard isn't making sense. Howard said he just told him what he believes. Pete said he's very simple minded. He said Howard keeps himself closed off. Howard said he's not closed off. He said he will believe in aliens when they land on the planet. Howard said everyone carries on saying that they're hiding here on the planet. Pete said that astronauts have claimed to have seen UFOs. Howard said he doesn't have a definite answer. He said that it's like the God argument. He said you can't prove it. He said we're alone in the universe and Pete can believe there are aliens. Howard said he wishes he had more of a belief. He said he'd feel more comforted.
Pete said it was good getting to know Howard a little better. Howard let him go a short time later. Howard said he thought Pete was a little more rational until today. He said Pete claimed to have had ''remote viewing'' of aliens.
Howard said Riley Martin was on a TV show. He had some audio to play from the appearance. Howard played the clip and the host was telling people to stick around to hear Riley. Howard said they're acting like they have an A-list celebrity coming on. He played more audio of the hosts talking about Riley saying he's the primary researcher of alien beings. Howard said Riley must have made them say that.
Howard said he was watching The Voice and they introduced Shakira as ''Superstar Shakira'' and he thinks that she has it in her contract that they have to call her that. He said that's the lamest thing on the planet. He said they have other people on the show who have done really well but they don't demand to be called incredible or anything. He said he must be on to something. Gary came in and said that Joe DiMaggio had to be introduced as ''the greatest living baseball player'' anywhere he went. Howard said he started the King of All Media as a joke because Michael Jackson made people call him the King of Pop.
Howard said Shakira has 20 million Twitter followers. Gary said he thinks they're all outside of this country though. Howard said she's that belly dancer chick. He said she's had like one hit. Robin said one of the contestants covered one of her songs.
Howard got back to the Riley Martin clip. Riley had dramatic music behind him as he was talking about the alien stuff. Howard said that music kind of works. He said he needs that. Riley was claiming he had just come off a ship. Riley was going on and on and Howard said that the more he talks the more of a goof he is. Riley was talking about how we're all descendants of the original aliens that visited this planet. Then Riley started speaking as an alien. Howard asked if they were around a camp fire during this discussion. JD came in and said they were. He said they were over toward Area 51 in the middle of nowhere. He said Riley had his cane and some missing teeth. Howard said he didn't remember him missing any teeth. JD said maybe there's so much else going on with his face that he didn't notice.
Howard played more of the audio and they had Tom Arnold talking about Riley being from the Howard Stern show. Howard said Tom must do a recap for the show. He said it seems like a really happening show. Howard said Tom was laughing at Riley and you know you have a problem when Tom is laughing at you.
In one clip Riley was talking about being abducted four times and how long he was gone for each time. He told them what he was fed while he was on the ship and it was normal breakfast food. Riley said he had the pleasure of procreating with some alien women when he was abducted. Riley said they were really sweet. He said he has not found anything out in space that has moved him like Earth women. Howard said Riley has some new laugh that he's created for TV. Howard said there is no one that talks like Riley.
Howard said the boys made a phony phone call the other day though. He said Chyna the wrestler made a tape where she teaches English to Japanese people. He said it's pretty crazy. Howard said the guys found this guy named Gene and called him with clips from that tape of Chyna. Howard said he has a weirder affectation than Riley does. Howard said the guy thinks that Chyna is a dude by the end of the call.
Howard played the call and they had Chyna talking to the guy who sounded like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade. The guy had a funny laugh and he was talking to Chyna but not speaking very clearly. Gene kept calling Chyna ''brother'' so he must have thought that she was a dude. Robin said he sounds like the guy in Sling Blade. Howard said he couldn't understand what he was saying. He said that's his favorite call. He said he can't possibly be reading a book. Howard said that's amazing. He wondered if the guy has a wife and kids. He said that guy is funnier than Riley. Robin said they have to talk to him. Robin said maybe it was just a bad morning.
Howard got back to the Riley Martin audio clips. Riley was talking about going on a road trip with the people he was hanging out with. They were saying they were ready to go.
Howard got back to the Shakira discussion and said that NBC had to have made a deal to call her that. Robin said she does tell people how important she is to everyone. He said she's always talking about how she's a world entertainer. Howard said he wants to know where and why she thinks it counts anywhere but America. Howard said she's trying to get to American's on that show.
Howard said he thinks he's going to meet her when they go to Los Angeles to shoot AGT. Howard said he thinks she's only like 5'2'' tall. He said he's glad he won't have to travel for the NY tapings. He said those are happening next week. Howard said they seem to have to go to every city in the country. Howard said they'll be taping Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week. He said he thinks the cast is going to do a publicity thing on the Today show. He said he hopes not. He said he was hoping to not do that kind of thing. He said it seems like a gang when they do that. Howard said he hopes that he'll talk to Matt if he does have to do it.
Howard said he tends to clam up when they do a group thing. He said there are just too many people. He said he wanted to be part of the team on the show. He said that's why he joined it. He said he didn't want to be the leader. He said he doesn't want that responsibility. He said Howie is the one who steps up and becomes the leader. He said he prefers it that way. He'd rather have him doing all of the talking.
Howard said he does try to say stuff sometimes but you have to be pushy and aggressive. He said he doesn't want to fight his way through all of that.
Howard said there was a story in the paper about how Heidi Klum had saved her kid from drowning. Howard said it turns out that a Paparazzi had shot pictures of her and caught her saving this kid. He said he thought that she had press released it but it turns out it was this Paparazzi guy caught it on film. He said Heidi down played it saying that the kid could have gotten back on their own from the tide that was a little strong.
Howard played another Psych song parody about Robin that was to the tune of a ZZ Top song. Howard said he wants to do a music show at night and not have to do a show in the morning. Gary said he guesses they can do it. He said they could play it at night and then play it back the next morning. Howard said he'll pick songs and Robin can do it with him. Gary asked if they can all come in and do it. Howard said he could do that. Robin said they could play them on vinyl so they can hear the difference. Howard asked Gary if he thinks that's a good idea. Fred played some static sounds and goofed on Gary with Howard for a short time.
Howard said records were such a nightmare in radio for him. He said if there was a scratch you didn't know what to do. He said if the record ran out it made noise and it was a nightmare. He said he wanted to hang himself. He said he had OCD really badly and he had to put the record in a certain way or his show would fail. He said it took him an hour to put away one record. He said he didn't have time to do that. Howard said it drove him nuts.
Howard said he had to write down things in a certain way and it was such a nightmare for him. He said he hated those records. He said now they have it all digital and it's so much neater and easier. Howard said Gary thinks it sounds better on vinyl. Howard and Fred were making fun of Gary doing their impressions of him.
Howard played a clip of Gary the Retard freaking out in the rocket that took him to the moon. Howard said they were going to have him travel for a long time but he was freaking out too much. Robin said he thought he was going somewhere and that's the best. She said he must have fascinating days when he can believe in something like that.
Howard said they should call Gary and ask him what he thinks about having gone to the moon. Robin said he should have brought back some rocks. Howard said he brought back a Playboy.
Howard said they were goofing on him so that wasn't so nice. Robin said it was the worst. She said he was terribly upset. Howard said he forgot about it when he got the Playboy. Howard said that was a great show 5 years ago. He said time really flies.
Howard said that it's also the anniversary of Sam Kinison's death in 1992. That's coming up a week from today. Gary said it's April 10th. Howard said he remembers that day. He played a clip from a show he did where Howard was talking about what happened to Sam. He told the story as he heard it from Sam's brother Bill.
Robin said she had forgotten that story. Howard said he bets that most of the interns there don't even know who Sam is. Howard did some math and said that Sam died in 1992 so it's been 21 years since he died. Howard said the kids who are listening can do math if they listen to the way he does it. Howard said sometimes he uses Robin to assist when he's doing the math. He said he had to have her carry a couple of 10s there. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that's the kind of music he's talking about. Robin said he would be great to talk to. Howard said he can't get him in there. Howard said they do have Rod Stewart coming in soon. He said Mike Tyson is supposed to come in too. He said Louis CK will be in tomorrow.
Robin said she heard a story about Mike Tyson beating someone with a pole when they were messing with him. She said that was her favorite story about him.
Howard said that Bowie offered Mott the Hoople that song ''Suffragette City'' but they turned it down. Howard said Bowie should have come in there to promote his new album. He said he wasn't out there promoting much. He said he must not give a shit anymore. Robin said she thinks it's a vanity thing. Howard said that was the rumor but the guy is super thin and looks good.
Howard had Fred play some more Bowie music. He had a live version of ''All the Young Dudes'' that they listened to. Howard sang along to that song. They played Bowie singing ''I'm Afraid of American's'' at one of Howard's birthday shows. Howard said he was so insanely handsome. Robin said he had bad teeth though. Howard said that was just a speed bump in his life. Howard said he had a big cock and a bulge in his pants too. He said he wishes he looked like that.
Howard asked Fred what that instrument is that he's using in that song. Fred wasn't sure what it was. Howard said it comes up in a minute. He let the song play through some more and said he's sad that rock is dead. He said he never thought it would disappear. Howard asked Fred what the instrument was. Howard thought it might be his dentist using a drill.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that Howard just made her day saying that Rod Stewart is coming in. She said she loves Howard. Howard asked where her song is. Mariann told Howard not to go on the Today show with the others. She said he should be alone. Fred played Mariann's song where Mariann sings that her voice is beautiful.
Howard said last night Jimmy Fallon and Jay did a bit together where they sang a song. Howard said Fallon wants Jay's job but he's busy doing bits with the guy. He said he loves Jimmy and thinks he's a great guy. He said he hates Jay but he thinks the guy is an idiot too. He said he's not sure there's a human being trapped inside that head of his. Howard said Jay is a stupid putz. He said Jimmy is ready to step in and he's not saying a word. He said he wants Jay out.
Howard said he thinks he has the song there. Gary told him where it was. Howard played the bit where Jay was talking to Jimmy about how things are going. Howard said he wouldn't do bits if he had a late night show. In the bit Jimmy asked if they were still friends. Jay said they were. Howard said he loves that Jay is getting the shit beat out of him. He said he hates Johnny Carson and he may hate Jay more. He said he might have to retract that though. He said he hates Johnny immensely.
Howard played more of the audio of Jimmy and Jay singing their song together. Howard said they should have Jimmy about to stab Jay in the back.
Howard said David Letterman was talking to Brian Williams the other night and he was saying that they may have concocted this to distract people from the Today show controversy. Howard said Conan also got his contract extended to 2015 but no one noticed. Howard said they all have to keep it going.
Howard took Eric into the Heterosexual room. He said he had to build it after Eric refused to go to the Homo Room with him. Howard said they're going to do some manly stuff down there. they watched some NASCAR and spit down there. Howard wanted to have some drinks but Eric said he doesn't drink.
Howard had some audio of a sexy girl talking to them. Howard had Eric unbutton her pants. Eric did that and when he did a cock popped out. Howard said he thinks that they're accidentally in the homosexual room. He said there are a bunch of dudes in there and they have them surrounded. Howard said they accidentally went in there.
Howard said they're going to have to suck them off to get out of there. Eric said he's not going to do that. Robin asked Howard if he remembers how he used to open sodas down there. Howard said he did and he was going to open one for Eric. Eric said ''no thanks.'' Howard opened it up with his ass. He had Fred get him out of there. He said that was great how he tricked Eric into going in there.
Howard got them out of the Homo Room. He said all he did was stick a bottle in his ass and open it. Howard said they're out of the room now. Howard asked how it felt down there. Eric said he didn't know. They played a song parody about Eric as he was starting to talk.
Eric said they were playing clips of Riley Martin and he was going to fill them in on what was happening. He said they got past all of that though. Howard said he can't believe that girl down in the room tricked them. He asked if that was mayonnaise on Eric's back. Howard said he was tricked by that girl too.
Howard asked Eric what's doing with him. Eric said he knows they do charity auctions once in a while. Howard said they don't do that anymore. Howard asked what else is on his mind. Eric said he was going to suggest that they put an auction for that on CharityBuzz.com. Howard said he does enough with charity. Robin said they have done that.
Howard said Eric was at a hockey game. Eric said that was last Wednesday. Howard said he's their good luck charm. Howard asked who they are. Eric said they're the San Jose Sharks. Howard had some clips from a news report about Eric being at the game and how the team won. Howard said they treat Eric like a little kid in this clip. Howard played the audio and they were talking about how the Sharks had scored 3 goals in the first 10 minutes. The reporter was saying that Eric might be a lucky charm for the team. Howard said they're treating him like some kind of leprechaun or something. Howard said he's a grown man. Howard said they laugh at the good luck charm in the wheelchair. Howard said meanwhile Eric wants to fuck her and show her what kind of man he really is.
Howard took a call from Sal who was playing a gay guy who was happy Eric went to the Homo Room. Howard said he and Eric were both tricked by that woman/man down there.
Howard was talking about how Eric could fuck that reporter harder than any other man. Howard said Eric had two women at once at the Bunny Ranch. Eric said he had two of them. Howard said he should brag about gang banging chicks like that reporter. Howard said he can't let them treat him like a lucky charm.
Eric asked if they saw the latest nip slip from Lindsay Lohan. Howard said he did. He asked Eric if he'd fuck Lindsay. Eric said ''Definitely.'' Howard said Eric wants to talk about fucking women, not be some lucky charm. Howard asked Eric how old he is now. Eric said he's 38.
Howard said he has the chick who was in the homo room and tricked them. The girl got on the line and said she had something to say to Eric. Then Sal picked up and said he tricked Eric again. Howard said she did sound like a girl at first. Eric said his guess is that it's two different people. Howard said he doesn't know about that. Eric said the guy sounded a lot like Sal.
Howard said he doesn't want Eric being anyone's lucky charm. He said little people don't want to be mascots anymore. Howard said Eric might be the size of a box of cereal but he's nobody's lucky charm. Howard wanted to go back to the Homo Room but Eric said ''no thank you.''
Robin asked if Eric is going back to the hockey game. Eric said he'd like to but he's not sure. Howard told Eric he's sorry he had that accident in the heterosexual room. Eric didn't seem to mind. He said goodbye to Howard and Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard played a clip from a classical music station where they played a song for Gary Dell'Abate. Howard also played a ''Joan Rivers Insulting the World'' bit they created. Howard said that Joan Rivers thing sounds good to him.
Howard said he was going to play the Beetlejuice game but he doesn't have any money to give away. Howard had Fred play the music for the game. Fred said he didn't know he was supposed to play it. Gary told Howard he had it on his page. Howard said Gary has told him that like 100 times so he should have known. He played the theme song which was a Woody Woodpecker song with Beet's laugh in it.
Howard said they showed Beet a picture of Big Bird and he had to guess who it was. Howard asked Robin what she thinks happened with Big Bird. Robin said she would think he'd know Big Bird. Beet said it was Donald Duck. Howard got a laugh out of that. He said that Beet was mad that they were asking him about that.
Howard said they showed Beet a picture of Prince. Howard said he won't know Prince. Robin said he won't know. Howard played Beet's answer and he said it was ''Prince... that gay mother fucker.''
Howard asked if Beet will know a picture of The Beatles. Robin said she thinks he won't know. Howard said he thinks he will know. Fred said he's not sure how old Beet is. He said he is up on cartoons but he will say he doesn't. Beet's answer was ''What are they hillbillies or some shit?''
Howard said he bets he'll know Barney the dinosaur. Robin said he didn't know Big Bird. Howard said he thinks he knows Barney. Fred said he might call him Dino. Howard said he will know. Howard played the clip and Beet said ''That's fuckin' Barney.''
Howard said they showed Beet a picture of the Pope. Howard asked if he'll know that. Robin said he will. Beet said that he was a reverend, a rabbi or a rabbit. It was hard to understand what he was talking about. Beet may have said all three.
Howard said they showed him a picture of Bart Simpson. Howard said they're getting serious now. He said if Robin misses this one he's going to have to shock her puss. Howard said he must know this one. Robin said she thinks he will know. Beet's answer was ''Bart Simpson...'' Robin said she's glad she won't have to get her puss shocked.
Howard said if they show him a picture of Obama, will he know. Robin said he will. Howard played the answer and Beet said he didn't give a fuck or give a shit who that was. Howard said he has to shock Robin's puss. Fred played the shock sound and Robin pretended she was being shocked.
Howard said Beet was shown a picture of Ronnie the Limo Driver. He said he's gone to appearances with him and all of that. He must know him. Robin said he has to know him. Beet's answer was ''Ronnie.'' Howard said Robin's puss is safe.
Howard said they showed Beet a picture of George Bush. Robin said no way. Beet said that was Kennedy. He said he burned his house and killed himself.
Howard asked if beet will know Michael Jordan. Robin wasn't sure if he was a sports fan. Robin said she'll say yes. Howard said he'll go with her on that. Beet's answer was ''Michael Jordan.''
Howard asked if Beet will know this last one which was Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice. Robin said they have never asked him if he knows where his name came from. Beet's answer was ''That's Beetlejuice...''
Howard said that they have another religious themed bit. Howard said Richard Christy took his bar mitzvah tapes and mixed them with rock music. Howard said this music is by Richard Christy. Howard played the song and said everyone loves it. Robin said there is no way to help these things.
Howard said Richard was on the subway the other day and this is for people who don't live in New York. He said it's very difficult to live there. He said Richard recorded a couple fighting on the subway and it's hard to deal with when you can't get out of there. He said it's a scary place to be. Robin said it's like pulling a lottery ticket every day.
Howard played the audio that Richard recorded where the two were screaming at each other about their kid and how the guy hasn't seen the kid in a month. The woman was screaming at him to fuck off and that he isn't shit to his kid. Howard said he would have stepped in and asked if he thinks that's the way to speak to a lady. He said the guy probably would have killed him. Howard said you have to act like nothing is happening.
Howard said this was the same ride and Richard recorded more audio on his iPhone. He said a dance troop came on the train and started performing. He said they all want money so you had better come up with something. He said they can turn into something else if you don't. Howard played the clip and the group starts playing music really loud and performing right on the train. Howard said you can't have 5 minutes to reflect on the train. He said it's like a zoo.
Gary said Richard told him they were doing flips and they were inches away from people's heads. Gary said he was on the subway once and there was a homeless guy. He said he didn't have a zipper on his pants. He pulled his dick out to pee on the bench. He said no one knew what to do so this business guy told him not to do it so the homeless guy pissed on him instead.
Howard said Richard sat in a homeless guy's shit once. Howard told him to come in to talk about that. Howard played the audio of the fighting couple and the dance troop together. He said that's what it's like to be on a subway there in New York.
Howard asked Richard what he did when the couple was screaming. Richard said he whipped out his iPhone and recorded it. He said everyone went into another car but he followed them and kept recording.
Richard told the story about how he sat in the shit. He said he saw some open seats on the train and it was a packed train so he thought it was his lucky night. He said people around him were waving their hands and he had no idea what they wanted. He said they told him that he had just sat in shit. Richard said he hadn't looked before sitting down. He said he was so far into Brooklyn that he didn't turn around. He said he just went to the bar he was heading to. He said he wiped ''some of it'' off. Richard said he threw away the jeans the next day.
Gary said he could have just gone to a store in Brooklyn and bought a new pair of pants. Robin said she would have turned around and gone home. Richard said he stayed in the bar until like 4 in the morning. He said it was a dive bar so people didn't even care.
Gary said Richard took a wrestling class and he had to wrestle a Down Syndrome kid. When he had him in a leg lock the kid ended up shitting. Richard said he was the nicest kid in the world. Gary said he knows the people who take that kid there. Howard said he's not sure it's a good idea to take the kid there just to make himself feel good. Howard asked Richard if the place was a real low rent place. Richard said it was actually pretty nice. He said the kid had retard strength. He said the kid started to sit on him and then he heard a noise and the guy said ''Sorry.'' He had shit his pants. Richard said he vomited and tried to be quiet about it. He said he didn't want to embarrass the guy. Howard asked if he won the match. Richard said the other guy definitely won. He said that was the end of his grappling days.
Howard asked if he really quit after that. Richard said he did a short time later. He said he didn't like rolling around on the floor with strangers. Howard asked if he's attracted to Sal. Richard said he's not a gay gentleman. He said he likes the gay stuff in a funny way. He said he can see why women would find Sal attractive though.
Howard and Richard shared stories about their first time cumming. Howard said he actually peed the first time he thought he was finishing. He said he was masturbating to Gilligan's Island when he peed on himself. He thought that's what it was supposed to be.
Howard said he's a big fan of the Guardian Angels. He said he would be relieved when he saw one on the subway. He said they were on the subway with people who would shit themselves. Howard said people just eat on the subway an it's disgusting. Richard said he could never eat on the subway.
Gary said he had another disgusting New York story. Howard said in Washington DC they'd arrest these people. Gary said he was out about 15 years ago and it was like 100 degrees out. He said he came across a guy with a fruit cart. He said this woman was like 60 years old and she was wiping her vagina with her pants down. He said the guy with the cart looked at him and said ''Yep, it's happening.'' Gary said he saw some guy with his pants down and he was holding a newspaper and the spray you use in a bathroom. He was shitting on the street with bathroom spray in his hand. Howard said he'd rather smell shit than smell that bathroom spray smell. He said that stuff is the worst. Richard said you just light a match.
Howard asked Richard about grappling with Richie Wilson. Richard said Richie is really good. He said he has some skill.
Howard said he took karate with Robin. He said he took it with his kids too but he got a groin pull. He asked Richie Wilson if he had that. Richie said he hurts all the time. He said the best thing to take is track and field so you can just run. Howard asked Richie if he's ever had to fight. Richie said he had a guy grabbing Rachel and her friend. He said he asked him to stop and the guy wouldn't stop. He said that he ended up beating the shit out of him when he put his hands up. Richie said that when he was close enough he lifted his legs and started pounding on him. He said he was going to choke him out but he stopped and told him the fight was over. He said they were on the street fighting. He said he wanted to take him to have a beer but the guy said ''Fuck you'' so he beat him up some more. Then his friend came over and said that he had just gone from self defense to assault so they had to go.
Richie said they had a story on the news about a Down Syndrome guy who is an MMA fighter. Howard said that they don't understand fighting though so that's kind of dangerous. Richie said if you beat that guy you beat up a retarded kid and if you lose then you lost to a retarded kid. He said you can't win either way. Richie said the guy is good too. He said he saw him fighting and now he's teaching classes. Howard said he'd love to see Richard take that class and get shit on by that guy.
Howard asked Richie what belt he is. Richie said he's purple. He said it takes years to get to the brown and black belts in Jiu Jitsu.
Howard said Rachel must have fucked him good that night he beat up that guy. Richie said she was pretty impressed that night. Howard said that's what women want. Robin said that women want a protector. Howard said he would go around beating the shit out of everyone if he had those skills.
Howard said he always hurt himself in his classes. He said it was like the air beat him. Howard let Richard and Richie go a short time later.
Robin said she wants to talk about The Walking Dead. Howard said they have to wait until next week. Howard said he's going to be doing the AGT thing next week. Robin said they'll never get to this discussion then. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and did a live commercial read. He said he was having a personal conversation with Fred during the break. He said he liked it and wants more.
After the commercial Howard said he took a pish during the break and then started talking to Fred about personal stuff. He said he liked that. It only took 30 seconds but it was good. Howard said he learns stuff about Fred and then he has to ask him about it. He said it lasts 30 seconds and then it's over.
Howard said he is going to go with Jon Hein in the next hour as the best host. He said he went with Gary first thing this morning. Howard said Jon is so good at it and he has no training at all. He said he resents guys like Jon.
Jon came in and said he's more of a play by play guy and Gary is more of a color guy. Jon said it did hurt that Howard said he wasn't the better broadcaster. Howard said he did say that he likes him and he's very good. He said he hired him there so he has to be good. Howard ended up singing along to some piano music Fred started playing. He sang to Jon about how he's one of his favorite broadcasters in the world to him. Howard said he's changed his mind and Jon is better than Gary... for the second half of the show.
Howard said he was listening to TV the other night and Charlie Sheen must be doing a TV commercial. He said he heard that and also Paul Giamatti doing a car commercial. Howard asked why he's never asked to do that. Robin asked about herself. Howard said she can't jump in on that. Howard said she is wonderful but she's above all of that.
Howard said AGT 101 was an April Fools joke. Howard said people were saying that it was similar to his other prank ''Jackie's Joke Hunt'' which has been going on for years. Howard said people were surprised that Jon and Gary's TV show wasn't an April Fools joke. Howard said Gary and Jon's show is not a joke.
Howard said next year they're going to do The Bachelor 101. Howard said it'll be all about The Bachelor. Robin said she saw a new show coming on NBC about dating. Howard said he's not sure if he'll like that. Robin said she thinks they have match makers on that show. Howard said he wants The Bachelor.
Gary said Tim wanted Howard to know that it's ''One hundred one, not one oh one.'' Howard thanked him for stopping the show for that. Howard said he just changed it and it's one oh one now. Howard said he's the fuhrer of the channel so it's one oh one.
Howard said the world's oldest woman died. She was 113 years old. Howard said he has to congratulate Ronnie on being the next oldest. Robin asked why it is that when you live that long people think you deserve something. Howard said he's not sure. Robin said they are not enjoying their lives in those final days.
Howard said he saw that Lindsay Lohan was forced to go to rehab. Howard said she went to Brazil and she comes back and says she will go to rehab but not a rehab where they'll take away her Aderol. Howard said it doesn't work like that. Howard said she can't pick and choose. Robin said that's like a prisoner saying they don't want to go to a jail with bars. She said it's crazy. Robin said she's so out of it that she has no idea.
Howard said Lindsay's tits look great. He said he's not sure if they're real or not. Howard said she's only 28 years old but she looks like she's had a ton of plastic surgery. Howard said some of these women are using Aderol for weight control. He said that he was just told she's only 26, not 28. Howard said she looks like her mother.
Howard said there was a study done that found teens are having less sex. Howard said he had less sex when he was a teen. He said it was like he was living in the future. He said he would have been the coolest if he was living today as a teen. Robin said sex was a big time killer. Howard said he used to jerk off to bra ads as a kid.
Howard said a lot of the women from The View are leaving so now guys are going to be jerking off to Whoopi. Howard said Barbara made a big announcement that she's going to keep working. Howard played the audio where Whoopi was talking about Barbara being in the news. Barbara said there is no news to report about her.
Howard took a call from Bobo who said that he's got a big day today meeting with a senator about a seatbelt law. He's going to try to change the back seat seatbelt laws. He said there in New York they don't have to have seatbelts in the back if you're over the age of 16. Howard said that sounds stupid.
Bobo asked Howard why he doesn't wear a belt in the back of his limo. Howard said he doesn't understand what he's talking about. Bobo said that Ronnie could get knocked out of the car and the car could go out of control. Bobo said that it could happen and Ronnie could go through the windshield. He said if he's thrown out then the car is going to be out of control.
Gary asked Bobo how often it happens when someone hits something so hard that they could have gone through the windshield but they end up staying in control of the car. Bobo said he didn't have statistics but it does happen. Bobo said he's meeting with Senator Phillip Boyle today. Howard said that's great.
Howard said he gets what Bobo is saying about people being belted into the back of the car. Howard said he's all for the law that Bobo is talking about. Robin said Bobo is helping to change the law. Howard said he has an 80 IQ and he's meeting with a state senator.
Howard said there's a study that says masturbation leads to weight loss. Howard said he should weigh 12 pounds. He said he actually gained weight after jerking off last night.
Howard said Obama had a bunch of free throw attempts and only made 2 baskets out of 22. Howard said that's embarrassing. He said that's really bad for a black guy. He said Chris Rock said people thought he could play because he was black but that's not the way it works.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that prank was the best. Howard said this guy has an echo. He said he shouldn't call in if he's on speaker phone. The guy said he was in a staircase. Howard said that was the guy that Jay Thomas hates. Howard said that's the guy Jay lost it on. He said he's never heard Jay get so angry. He said that was the greatest.
Jeff the Drunk called in and asked when he's going to be at the Hammerstein Ballroom. Jeff cleared his throat and Howard said he was about to throw up. Jeff said he was eating. He said he had peanut butter chocolate. Howard said that's how he gets that physique. Jeff said he had to get something in his stomach. He said he just took a nice, healthy dump.
Jeff asked when he's going to be at the Hammerstein. Howard said it's an afternoon session and a night session so it's a whole thing. Jeff said he might make it to the night session. Howard told him not to go out of his way. Last year Jeff worked his way in and got into the front. Howard said he took up a really nice seat where a hot chick could have sat. Howard said he had to look at Jeff instead. He said he had to look at his ass crack instead.
Howard said he should find some pants that fit. He said he has to find some that hide the boil on his ass. Jeff asked when the night session starts. Howard said they just canceled it. He said they just canceled the afternoon session too. He said that's for the day Jeff wanted to come. Howard said he honestly doesn't know. He said he can come by if he wants to. Jeff said he needs to know what time of night. Howard said it's going to be a whole thing if he shows up. He said he ended up in the front last time after moving seats. Jeff got to sit in front of Howard last year.
Jeff said his ride has to work so he needs to know. Howard said they tape at noon and 5. Jeff said that might be doable. Jeff asked Howard if he thinks he could win a large screen TV. Howard said maybe on another show. Howard said he doesn't have that. Robin said maybe on The Price is Right he could win. Howard let Jeff go after that.
Howard read about how Paddy Cake the gorilla died. She was at the Bronx Zoo. Howard said she had chronic cardiac problems. Howard said she was 40 years old. Howard said she outlived anything else born in the Bronx.
Howard said he read about a study they did about bats and they found that the male bats give oral sex to the female bats. Howard said the do that for 50 seconds and then have intercourse for 10-20 seconds. Howard said that means he's better at sex than a bat in bed.
Howard played one from Craig Wolf that he found very orchestral. Howard said he's not sure why they're doing this. Gary said they use the Rob Zombie song as their opening song. Gary said they can use this one for the end of the show or something. Howard said he's not getting rid of that Rob Zombie song for the start of the show.
Gary told Howard to stick to the Craig Wolf song. Howard said he will. He played more of it and said he likes it. It started out slow but then it started rockin'. Robin liked it too. Howard said it's like a song for a mental institution. Howard said that's a good one.
Howard played one from Dorothy Wallace. Howard said it's like a retro theme song for a TV show. Howard said that's interesting.
Howard said he played Eli Braden yesterday. He had one from a guy named Keith. He played some of that one. That was old school according to Howard.
Howard played one from Matt Evans. He said it was very ''Nine Inch Nails.'' He had a lot of Stern Show audio drops in his song. Howard said that was very nice. He said he's like Trent Reznor.
Howard played one from Patrick Kelly. Robin said that sounds like something from ''Rent.'' Howard said it did. Howard said it sounded kind of negative to him. Gary said he thought it was funny that the guy would enter that.
Howard played a song from a guy named Frank. Howard said it sounds a bit more positive. The other song had him making a ton of dough and doing jack shit. Howard said this one is pretty good. He said they might have a contest here.
Howard played one from Kim Chen. Howard said he thought Gary's son would like that one. The guy was doing a rap about the show. Howard said that's a very angry young man.
Howard said Benjy's girlfriend entered. She can't win but she entered anyway. Howard played the song and Elisa was kind of moaning in the song. Howard said Benjy is over there bouncing like a big, rubber ball. Howard said it sounds like she's in love with him, not Benjy. Howard said Benjy sounds like a ball bouncing over there.
Gary said he saw a picture of Benjy and Elisa in a bathtub filled with Onion Crunch. Benjy said that it's Sophia Vergara's boyfriend who owns the company. Howard said he has no idea what he's talking about. He said that the Benjy Vortex song might be appropriate. Howard said it sounds like a Jackie story where he mentions everyone's name. Benjy said he just said it was Sophia Vergara's boyfriend. Howard said a normal person would just mention the name of the company and not who the owner is. They played the Benjy vortex song after that.
Howard played more of Elisa's song and Fred played a door slamming sound to go along with the drum beat in it. Howard asked who this Nick Loeb guy is. Benjy said that's Sophia Vergara's boyfriend. Howard said he's never asked Benjy a question where he got a straight answer. Benjy said that was a straight answer.
Howard played another theme song entry. Howard asked what the fuck that was. He said Ham Hands Bill entered too. He said he has an idea of what that might be like. Bill did a spoken word theme song. Howard said he'd listen to that.
Howard played an entry from a guy named Dane. He didn't last too long with that. Howard played another one where a guy was kind of speaking his song in a strange way. Howard said it was memorable. Howard said they have a lot of good entries there. He said some are better than others. Howard said he has to take a quick break and then get to news.
Howard mentioned that the theme song contest has a $5,000 prize. He said that's courtesy of DollarShaveClub.com. Howard said he read about these guys who were raping people down in South America. Howard said that's why he won't go anywhere. He said he doesn't want to bum anyone out but he was proving his point that you should just stay home. He did his impression of his mother telling him to just stay home. Howard said when he worked at Benton & Bowles he had to do this peanut oil thing and he was talking to a Rabbi who told him that if his paper got out on time it would be great but if it didn't then that was great too. Howard said his mother still brings that up to him. He said she thinks that there shouldn't be any rush to anything. Howard said it's a good thing she wasn't the bread winner. Robin said she would have said if they don't eat today they'll eat tomorrow.
Robin started off with the news about The Walking Dead barely beating The Bible in the ratings on Sunday night. Howard said it was some day for cable TV. He said they had 12.4 million viewers. Robin said The Bible had 12.3 million viewers. Howard said they must have beat the networks that night. Robin said they did. Robin said The Bible has been beating the networks for weeks. Robin said she thinks that religious people think they have to watch something like that so there's no telling if they actually enjoyed it.
Howard said it's weird that all of his favorite shows are on cable now. Robin said she doesn't watch much on network TV now. Howard asked Robin what she wanted to talk about in The Walking Dead. Robin said she wanted to talk about something one of the characters did. Howard said they have to wait. He doesn't want to spoil anything for anyone.
Howard played Robin's ''The Spoiler'' bit that the guys created after she spoiled something else for the show. Robin asked Howard if he remembers the one moral dilemma in the show this week. Howard said he thinks that the kid did the right thing. Robin said now he's spoiling it. Howard said he thinks he did the right thing, that's all he's saying. Robin said she felt that way too. Howard said the kid is hard core now and he knows what has to be done. Robin said he makes a great case for himself. Robin said it relates to everyday life. Howard told her not to say anything else or she'll upset her fans.
Robin said they had a promo for this Splash show and one of the contestants says that her ear is killing her and they take them to the doctor and they've ruptured an ear drum.
Robin said that MTV has a show called Buckwild and one of the stars of the show has died. Robin said the people on the show do stupid stunts and hang out. Robin said this guy Shane Gandee has died. She said they went off roading and they found the car stuck in the mud. Robin said all three people in the car were dead. Robin said they found the muffler completely submerged so maybe carbon monoxide was part of the issue. She asked Fred if that's possible. Fred said it could be. Robin said all three were dead. Howard said today is a big day for Fred. He said he spoke to him and Robin spoke to him too.
Howard read some email about last week's shows. He had some feedback about the ZZ Top discussion they had. Howard got some feedback about Robin almost spoiling The Walking Dead. Howard said they didn't give away anything yesterday. Robin said she was very respectful.
Howard said they got an email from someone asking if Jason has gone back to smoking weed. Howard asked Jason if he learned anything from giving it up. Jason came in and said he went 30 full days without smoking and he's back. He said he did learn. He said he was able to do it and he has cut back on the amount he's smoking. He said he was smoking way too much. Howard said habits never decrease. He said he will go back up. Jason said he's been smoking for over a month now and it's been pretty steady. Robin said he's much happier now. She said he wasn't that happy during those 30 days. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about how kids are thinking that they won't be able to move out of their parent's homes until they're 25-27 years old. Howard said if you want to make it in life you have to cut the cord by the time you're 21. He said you have to be on your own or you'll never get out from under. Howard said once you're 18 you should want to get out. He said there's something wrong with you if you don't want out. He said if they were doing a good job you should despise them by the time you're 18. He said you should be ashamed to ask for money. He said if you like living at home then there's something wrong. He said you have to get out of that house. Howard said his father humiliated him to get out of the house. He said you can't be doing that at 29 years old.
Robin read a story about the late night wars and what's going on with that. Howard said that it's going to be weird with two guys named Jimmy in the same time slot. Robin said that Letterman only has 58,000 Twitter followers. Howard said Dave doesn't care about Twitter. He said he probably doesn't tweet. Robin said Fallon and O'Brien have 8 million each. Robin said Kimmel only has 2.4 million. Howard said Letterman had a joke where he said that the network wanted to change his name to Jimmy so all three late night shows were Jimmy.
Howard said he had to congratulate Richard Cohen about his article about how politicians change their minds when their family comes out of the closet. He said they don't vote on their conscience. Robin said she was the one who came out and said she was totally disappointed in Hillary Clinton. Robin said this is not showing leadership. Howard said he's sorry he even brought it up.
Robin read a story about the guy who won the Powerball Lottery. Robin said if you have any liens or judgments against you they're not supposed to award you the prize. Robin said they're supposed to hold it until they're all taken care of. Robin said they forgot it in his case. Howard said the guy owed like $29,000 in child support and he was wasting money on lottery tickets. Robin said he wound up in court yesterday over the prize award since he was supposed to pay first. Robin said that all of his kids are going to have to live with him now. She said he has already put his bodega up for sale and he's moved out of his apartment. Howard said he's happy for the guy but he shouldn't have been buying lottery tickets if he owed child support. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard said they have a sponsor with a really weird commercial. Howard said this is for Seeking Arrangement. Howard played the clip and they have a guy named Leroy talking about how you can find what you're looking for. Howard asked if Sal wrote that commercial. Howard said that guy doesn't sound like he can afford to go there. Howard said he sounds like Sal doing his black guy impression. Howard said he loves the commercial. He said it's his favorite.
Howard asked if someone is eating popcorn. Fred said there is a smell but he's not sure what it is. Benjy assured him it wasn't him.
Robin read a story about a guy who was upset about the way his car company was handling him and he asked for the person's name because he was going to buy the company and fire that person. Robin said that one of the owners of Madison Square Garden was going into his own club and the security guard didn't recognize him so he fired her. He thought better of it and brought her back though. Robin said the guy wasn't wearing his ID. Howard said it's pretty extreme to fire someone over that.
Robin said they're bringing back the Iron Side TV show. Howard said he hated that show. Howard said Raymond Burr loved it because he got to sit in that chair all day. Robin said they had to hire someone to push him around in that chair. Robin said that show would have been perfect for Eric the Midget.
Robin read about Caroline Kennedy possibly being an ambassador for the United States in Japan. Howard said that's kind of weird. Howard said they should have appointed Chyna since she's teaching English to Japanese people. Howard said she's doing a wonderful job too. He was going to play the audio but he wasn't able to find it quick enough. Howard said by the time he finds it it'll be tomorrow. He eventually found it and played the audio of Chyna teaching English to Japanese people. Howard also played the prank call the guys did to the guy with the Sling Blade voice using Chyna audio clips.
Robin read a story about the movie 42 and how that's the story about Jackie Robinson. Robin said she loves the theme song. She had Howard play that song which was a rap song. Robin said she has mixed feelings about this movie. She said that they make them out to be so heroic that they're hard to believe. Robin said he was a real hero though. Howard said they make them out to be real super heroes. Robin said they make it seem kind of one dimensional. Robin said he took on the entire country practically just to play baseball. Howard said people in the south wanted to kill him. Robin said even his teammates wanted to kill him. Robin said President Obama is holding a private screening for the movie. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a political radical who went to jail for a robbery and now he's teaching at Columbia University. Robin said the woman was the getaway driver in a robbery and spent some time in jail. The woman's name reminded Howard of The Beverly Hillbillies so he and Robin spent a minute talking about how great that show was.
Robin read about the guy who shot up the Colorado movie theater shooting. Robin said he's going to stand trial for murder. Robin said they were wondering if they should give him the death penalty and they are going to go for that in the trial. Howard said he can't wait to see that guy die. He said he's got to get the death penalty. He said he needs to be dead. He said the thought of the taxpayers paying to feed him... He said he just wants him gone.
Robin read about the shooting of a District Attorney in Texas and how it could be linked to the Aryan Brotherhood.
Howard took a call from CWB who said the Chyna prank call is the funniest thing he's heard in a while. Howard took another call from a guy who said the guitar scratching sound on the Bowie song is something that they have a switch for. The guy was going on a little long so Fred played him off like they do on The Academy Awards. Howard said Dane just got played off. Dane said they actually asked Bowie about that sound when he was on the show. Dane was going on about some songs they played and Fred played music over him some more and Howard thanked him for calling in. Howard said he was fighting the music just like they do on the Academy Awards.
Robin had more news about the shooting of the D.A. in Texas. She had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read a story about the college kid who broke his leg in the basketball game over the weekend. Howard said he saw the video of that and he warned people not to watch it. He said you'll never forget about it. Robin said Joe Theismann remembered his leg breaking and spoke about what it was like for him. Robin said the kid landed awkwardly and his leg just snapped. Howard said he thought the kid was one who could have gotten into the pros but he went to college instead. Gary said that's what he heard. Howard said he should text that kid since he knows about breaking his thumb. Robin didn't remember that. Gary said he had it wrong, that wasn't the kid. Howard said he just got Baba Booey'd. Gary gave him the wrong information this morning. That led to Fred playing a couple of Baba Booey songs. Howard said that leg break was so horrible to watch. He said it's really disturbing. Howard said those kids should be paid to play for those colleges. Robin said they say that if they start paying some then they'd have to pay all of them. Howard said these rules were made by man and they can be solved by man.
Robin read about Apple and how Steve Jobs has left them a legacy and they have a plan for the next few iPhones that Steve had a hand in. Robin said that Apple has not commented on the report. Howard said Steve jobs is like Tupac. He said they might have a whole stash of ideas.
Robin said that there is going to be a ban on abortions in North Dakota with any fetus that has a heart beat. Howard said that's such a bad idea. Robin said that they say that they are banning abortion on any fetus that can live on its own.
Robin read about an instructor who had his students write the name Jesus on a piece of paper and then step on it. Robin said he has been suspended. Robin said that he was trying to show the power of words. Robin said he was put on suspension to protect him.
Robin read about Senator Bob Casey who has changed his stance on the issue of gay marriage. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon asked Steve to get Richard if he can find him. He said he asked Richard to come in there. Jon asked Teddy about the gross things that Richard does. Teddy said that everyone around there puts on hand sanitizer there. Teddy said that he doesn't smell bad like you'd think he would. Jon said he's not so sure about that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he has to go with Gary being a better announcer. He said Jon is kind of monotone. Jon asked if he should vary it up a bit. The caller said he should. Jon gave him a very enthusiastic ''So long Joey!''
Another caller said Jon is very good with his delivery and he thinks that he and Gary work very well together. Jon said he was trying to tell Howard that he and Gary serve different roles. He said that he gives the play by play and Gary gives the color commentary.
Richard came in and said that Jon is the Steve Martin to Gary's John Candy in Trains Planes and Automobiles. Jon said he'd take that. They had to go to break after that.
Richard told Jon that he saw his buddy jerking off once and that made him laugh. He said he laughed and then his friend started laughing. He said they found some porn at the rock quarry.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked Richard why his face gets so red when he does bits for Howard. Richard said it might be embarrassment or his naturally red face... or maybe his drinking. He said it is pretty embarrassing to lick someone's balls so you have to give him a break on that. Richard said when he laughs his face turns red too.
Jon asked Richard what the grossest thing he's ever done is. Richard said he's putting him on a spot there. He said he used to sleep on the floor in his storage unit and a cockroach crawled into his mouth. He said he spit it out and the thing was staring at him on the floor. He said one other bug incident was when he was taking one of his outdoor showers and he grabbed a towel. He said his face was burning and it turns out there were fire ants all over his towel. He said he had fire ants all over his face for a week. He said he lived in that unit for 8 years in Florida. Jon asked if he had any other options. Richard said he played in a band so he was always there anyway. He said he didn't need to pay rent if he had to play there.
Richard said one of the grossest things he ever did was not shower for a week or two so they could let Sarah Silverman smell his stinky balls. He said one other time he drank a cup of his ball sweat. Jon cringed when he heard that. Richard said they have that on Howard TV and maybe they'll put it back up.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked how he doesn't shower at least once a day or more. Richard said he showers just about every day or every other day now. He said he has an indoor shower now so he can do that. Richard said there are grosser people than him. He said he's seen grosser people who eat shit and things like that. He said Sal has done some gross stuff. He said Sal licked his taint. Jon asked if JD is gross. Richard said he's not. He said Scott Salem isn't gross. Richard said there are some grosser people in this world though.
Jon asked Richard about the Down syndrome guy who shit on him. Richard said he didn't want to embarrass him so he just grinned and bared it. He said that he also vomited all over the place.
Jon asked Richard if he thinks Benjy is gross. Richard said he's cleaned up too. He said Benjy has lived in storage units too. He said he has stories about going to public restrooms and things like that too.
Jon took a call from a guy who was shocked to hear that Richard lived in a storage unit for 8 years. Richard said it can be pretty depressing on a Friday night drinking a case of cheap beer in a storage unit. He said this show helped him get through it. He said he started writing songs for the show while he was there. Richard said he wouldn't drive and he'd just stay home, in the storage unit, and write his song parodies. He said he tried to get out of his depression unit with that. Steve asked if he ever got laid there. Richard said he didn't. He didn't get laid for 10 years.
Richard said he had neighbors there in the storage unit. He said he woke up one night and it was full of smoke. He said he was freaking out because the smoke was toxic. He said his neighbor fell asleep with a candle at his feet and he kicked it over and it caught his Styrofoam on fire. He said it went up in seconds. Richard said he helped him put the fire out. He said they had to pretend that they didn't live there when the fire department showed up. They had to go to break after that.
Gary said he's not good at controlling the show. He said Jon is very good at that. Gary said he can do what he does and that's why it works well. Jon said he agrees. He said that if they had two Gary's then they'd have a problem.
Jon brought up the subway stories that they were telling today. Gary said this is the greatest city in the world. He said there are things you learn very quickly though. He said he was on a subway platform and if there's an empty car you know something is wrong. He said that people will just move to another car if there is something going on in there. Jon said JD had a problem on the subway once. Gary said there are people who won't make any eye contest with anyone. He said that's a key to living in the city.
Richard said he finds the subway interesting. He said that he loves to drink and loves that there's a city where you don't have to own a car. Richard said he got on a train once and Borat was filming his movie there. He said he knew who it was but didn't want to spoil it for him.
Gary said the busses are really gross there. He said that the smell is really bad in the bus but not on the subway. He said people just smell like a wet dog. Jon said that they're the same people taking the bus but there's something mysterious about the subway. He said you take your life into your hands. Richard said you have to watch out when the doors open on the subway too. He said you have to get out of the way or they'll just shove you out of the way.
Gary said he was stuck in a tunnel once. He said that they have had to have people get off the train and walk 1/4 of a mile to the next station. He said you see the rats running around in there.
Gary said he once saw a guy who had stuffed the turnstile so he could suck the token out. He said he was fascinated by the whole process. He said all of a sudden a baseball bat came out of nowhere and this guy turned out to be the guy selling the tokens. Jon said he's never heard of sucking the tokens.
Jon asked what Howard was like when he took the subway. Gary said he had gotten a car service by that point so he didn't get to travel with him on the subway. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about how they had Louis C.K. coming in today. Howard said he had a long conversation with Louis at Jimmy Kimmel's party. Howard said he's a very interesting guy. Howard said he is so awkward socially and he has such deep seeded issues. He said he would rather sit in a room by himself. He said he analyzed himself and figured out that he doesn't like parties. He said he realized he didn't have any conversations and looked over his shoulder wondering who he should talk to. He said he felt he should be somewhere else. Howard said he figured he should be talking to different people than he was talking to. Then he had an Epiphany and figured he should enjoy parties. He said he wanted to enjoy them. He said there must be something to it.
Howard said his philosophy at the last Jimmy party was to go and talk to whoever came over to him. He said that he was going to do that and talk for two hours if that's what it came to. He said that's what Fred does too. Fred asked how it became about him. Howard said everything is about Fred.
Howard said he figured if he was in a horrible conversation he would get out of it. He said he got to the party and he saw Sandra Bullock there. He said she said hello to him and he said hello to her. He said he and Sandra had about a half hour conversation. Howard said he asked her questions and she asked him questions. He said he was like a real person. Howard said after that ended he wasn't sure what to do. He said it ended awkwardly like everything in his life does. Howard said he thinks it was mutual though.
Howard said he figured whoever he bumped into next would be the same kind of thing. He ran into Bob Iger, Al Michaels and some others. Howard said he lasted about 45 minutes in that conversation. Howard said they were talking about something personal with Bob Iger. Howard said he talked about what he planned on doing in the future and asked him to keep it confidential. Howard said there he was in a group conversation. He said he was having a real conversation once again.
Howard said then that seemed to come to a close after 45 minutes. He said people would stop by and talk to them. He said they were satellite conversations. He said he felt like he was really partying. Then sitting by himself was Louis C.K.. He said he looked as lost as he did. Howard said he looked over and figured that was a lost soul. Howard said he fell into his lap so that was his next conversation. He said he and Louis seemed to talk for about an hour. Robin said it was probably 15 minutes. Howard said she could be right. Howard said he and Louis talked about his family life and his divorce. He said Louis spends a lot of time with his kids and won't work on 3 out of 4 days. He said he won't even pick up a pen on those days.
Howard said after that he went over to get something to eat but people kept talking to him. He said he's not sure how to pull that off. He said he'd like to just be quiet for 10 minutes to eat. Robin said he has to pick an eating partner. Robin said you talk to them and then get the food and talk with them. Howard said he brought a plate to the bathroom so he did it wrong. Howard said he needed quiet time. Then his voice gets tired. He said he gets revitalized but it's tough.
Howard said the story becomes him leaving early. He didn't leave that party early. Beth didn't want to go so he finally stood up and went into the driveway and kept calling out Beth's name saying he had to go now. He said people watch him in the driveway tantruming. He said it's just weird. Robin said that sounds like a lovely night. Howard said Beth loves it. He said she wanted to stay on her own but he made her leave.
Howard said he had said to NBC that they should do the show in New York. He said he wondered what was going on there. He said he had a dream when he met with them. He said he wanted to do it in New York and he thought in the back of his mind that it would be great for New York with a live show that brings money into the city. He said it adds to the tax base and it's wonderful for New York. He said he was disappointed that they didn't bring it there. He said he was happy for Newark though. He said he was happy that he was in a position that they moved the entire production to New York for him. He said it was a wonderful thing for NBC to do something like that. He was honored by this conversation he had with the management over there. Howard said he was moved by it. Howard said he's just a shithead from Long Island.
Howard said he asked them to find a New York venues this year. He said they were going to do their best. Howard said last night he was sitting home at 7 and he got a call from his agent. He said NBC had an announcement to make. Howard said his agent says that he should do the announcement. Howard said they were going to announce where the location is going to be. He said Don said that Howard is from New York and it's going to be more exciting. Howard asked why everything is last minute. He said he wanted to do it in some interesting way. Howard said this was all top secret. He didn't even want to tell Beth. He said he's been guarding it for months. He said he knew it was in the works and he being planned out. He said at one point they said he had to pay for it. Robin laughed. Howard said he's serious.
Howard said he was trying to keep it super quiet and all of that. He said they were going to keep it quiet until 7 o'clock and he was going to do it. Howard said he was thinking about his speech and everything he was going to say. Howard said he came in this morning and he had to include Gary in this. He said Gary got the memo last night too and he didn't understand it. Howard said this was all a big deal because they're a network. He said he figured they were under control but they might be more organized than NBC. He said with the fiasco in late night you can see that.
Howard said he got in this morning and he was going to tell Ronnie about what was happening. Howard said he was going to break the news to Toni too. Howard said she works there with him all the time. Howard said he told the two at the same time. He said he hasn't told a soul yet but he was going to announce it this morning. Howard said Toni said it was already in the newspaper. Howard said he asked what paper it was in. She said it was in the Daily News. Howard said it wasn't in his Daily News but it was in her's. He said they only put it into one edition and not the other. Howard said he's thwarted once again. He said he feels foolish after all of this. Howard said he's annoyed.
Howard said the exciting news is... He picked up on Mariann from Brooklyn. She asked if it's Radio City Music Hall. Howard said it is. Mariann started screaming. She said they have nice boxes there. She said it's going to be bedlam in New York. She said she's so excited about this. She started singing and said she can't wait. Robin said she's the one to tell about something exciting.
Howard said he's excited because it has such a great meaning in his life. He said he would go there as a kid to see shows. He said that he had so many painful moments as a kid with gas in there. He said it was right there in those bathrooms at Radio City Music Hall.
Robin said she never understood the movie and the Rockettes. Howard said they used to show a movie and then have a Rockettes show. He said they were the main part of the show.
Mariann said she loves Howard and started singing again. Howard laughed and hung up on her. Howard said it's very different when they say they're live in New York and they're actually in Newark. He said this is going to be good to be at Radio City.
Howard said he knows how difficult this deal was to put together. He said they had to do a lot of dealing to make it happen. Howard said the fans should love it. He said that next week they're doing the taped shows from Hammerstein Ballroom. The live shows will be at Radio City. He said it's one of the best venues in the world.
Howard read what Paul Telegdy was saying in his memo. Howard read through some of that and Robin said she's reading in the paper that they have a Jimmy Fallon tax credit. Howard said he thinks that has to do with The Tonight Show moving to New York and how they gave them a tax credit to keep it there. He said he thinks that's right. Howard said that's the worst kept secret too. He said that they have a done deal and Jay is out the fucking door. Howard said he would go to FOX if he were Jay. He said it would be funny if they picked up Jay and had the number one late night show. Robin said sometimes that just doesn't work out. Howard said he might let Jay come out and warm up the audience for AGT. He did an impression of what Jay might sound like doing that.
Howard read the article about Fallon replacing Jay. He said they drag this out and make Jay look like a buffoon. Robin said that they all knew about this before Jay did the duet with Jimmy Fallon. Howard said everything Jay does makes him look like a shithead. Howard said he has to go out to Los Angeles to the up fronts and Jay is going to be there. He said he hopes they fire his ass before he shows up.
Howard said it's not clear when Jimmy Fallon is going to show up. He said that it could be in February. Robin asked what year. She figured it must be next year.
Howard said Lorne Michaels knows how to play all of this. He said that he has wrapped up late night. He said he's going to produce Seth Meyers at 12:30 and he'll have Jimmy on at 11:30. Howard said he's got it all wrapped up. Robin said that Lorne knows what he's doing.
Howard said he'd love it if Jay took over Conan's show at TBS. Robin said he should hide in the closet at TBS. Robin said that would be great.
Howard said he watched Seth Rogen on Conan and Seth was really good on the show. Howard said it's kind of sad when you tune in to see Conan now. He said he just blew out. Robin said no one even talks about that show anymore. Howard said he would do the show because he feels bad for him. He said if he lived in L.A. he'd do the show.
Howard said NBC was talking about him doing some appearances. He said next week he has to do the group interview on the Today show. He said that they're going to have the girls on the ends with him and Howie next to each other. Howard said he doesn't want to do it with the whole gang but that's what they want him to do.
Howard said he might go on dressed as Ann Curry. Howard said everyone hated her over there and Matt was just trying to help them all out. He said that Matt doesn't even have that power over there so he's not sure why everyone is trying to bury him.
Howard said he's going to let the other judges do their thing on the Today show. Howard said he's going to make a speech about Matt Lauer and talk about how everyone hated Ann Curry. He said that no women that watched her that he knows liked her. Howard said he's going to take the hit. He said he has to back up his boy Matt. Howard said he's on board with Matt. Robin said she's heard about the possible replacements for Matt. Howard said they would be making a mistake if they did that. Howard said if Anderson Cooper takes over people are going to want to hang themselves watching the show. Howard said he doesn't think that he's better than Matt Lauer.
Howard said he's thrilled with the schedule for AGT. He said he's not far from Radio City. He said that they're just about across the street from it there at SiriusXM. Howard said he wanted to get there underground somehow. Robin said Howard is right in the neighborhood and he doesn't even know how to get there. Howard said he still doesn't know the address for this building. Robin said he has no idea what street it's on. Howard said he just says that it's in Rockefeller Center. Robin said it's on 6th Avenue. Robin said it's between what and what? Howard said he doesn't know. Robin said it's between 48th and 49th. Howard said he was only off by one block.
Benjy asked Howard if he could picture on a map where they are. Howard said no. He said he loves not to know. Howard said he has a list of someday maybe things that he'd like to do but right now he doesn't care. He said he knows maps and stuff but he doesn't know where they are right now.
Benjy asked if he thinks he could get home. Howard said he could but it would take some time. He said he has no idea where he'd have to go if he walked out of the building now. Robin said that he had to use GPS to find her apartment 2 blocks away. Howard said he had to use it to get home too. He said he has no idea where things are. Benjy said that's one of the great things about Manhattan though. He said it's very easy to get around. Benjy said the island is only 2 1/2 miles wide at the widest part. Howard said he wouldn't know that.
Benjy said if he started riding a bike there he'd get to know it. Howard said he could never do that there. He said it's too dangerous. He said everyone he knows who rides a bike has been hit by a cab. He said it's ridiculous. Robin said they have a lot of bike lanes and they're very confusing. Howard said he has no idea. Robin said they have left turn lanes and bike lanes and it's very confusing. She said they have pedestrian things where people sit in the middle of the street.
Howard said he was supposed to make the announcement today but it's already in the newspaper. Robin said she heard that part of the reason is that Howard complained about the commute to Newark. Robin said they didn't have to bring that up in the article. Howard said going to Newark wasn't that bad. He said it was like 20 minutes on a good night. He said this is going to be exciting though. He said this is a slam dunk, home run. He said he's psyched up to do it this year.
Howard said everyone is excited about it. He said the fans are going to love it too. Howard said next week is Hammerstein Ballroom. He said he felt good about performing in Newark too though. He said that facility is very nice there in Newark. Robin said it really is a nice place.
Howard said that Louis C.K. was on a list of people who were either rejected or turned down Saturday Night Live. Howard said Jennifer Aniston and Lisa Kudrow are on that list too. Howard said he's going to let Louis tell that story when he gets there. Howard read a few other names that were on the list. He said that Jim Carrey lost out to Charlie Rocket. He said Jim is like one of the biggest talents ever. Robin said he's not the biggest talent. She said she has seen his last couple of movies and right now if you see his name on the credits, don't go. Howard said she's in an awful mood today. Robin said his movies just aren't funny. Howard said he's still a great talent. Howard said sometimes you can't tell if a movie is going to be good until it's done. Robin said that his latest movie they hardly mention his name. Gary said that's not his movie. He only makes a cameo in it. It's that movie ''The Incredible Burt Wonderstone.'' Howard asked if anyone has seen it. Robin said they seem to be hiding it. Howard said he has so much stuff but he has to take a break. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he loved that song. He said it was a nice break between the other songs on the album. He asked Fred what song comes after it. Fred said it was the same song that turns really heavy. Howard waited for that part to start. Howard said it's too bad those guys are such nudnicks. He said they were great.
Howard said he has this guy Drew Magary on the phone. He said he works for GQ magazine. Drew told Howard that ''Ice Cream Man'' was the last song on that album. Howard said he's right about that. Howard said it seems like they left so much money on the table by not touring as much as they could have. Drew said that when it's 40 years later and it's the same 4 motherfuckers then you realize you don't have anything in common with them. Howard said he's been with Fred and Robin for like 30 some years. Howard said he has been thinking about doing it since he was 5 years old.
Howard said the people at GQ wanted to look into this company that does kidnapping. He said it's called Extreme Kidnapping. He said they charge $500 to be abducted at gun point. He said they kidnap you. Howard said this service is for people who like S&M. Drew said the company was founded on the idea of doing that and there are a lot of people who have fetishes and they say to them that it's okay if you cream in your jeans but just don't talk about it. He said they want you to buy into your role and not come out of character.
Howard said they abduct you on the street too. Howard said he has been reading a story about a couple that kidnapped them and they caught them on camera doing it. Howard said it turned out to be a party for them and the cops were looking for them for the whole weekend. Howard said it's pretty weird to stage something like this. Robin said it's a great premise but what if you're actually kidnapped instead of the fake kidnappers.
Howard asked Drew about what he experienced with the whole thing. Drew said they had fake guns that they dug into his side on the street. He said they used real things on him like a real stun gun. Howard said Drew asked them not to do that. Drew said they asked if he wanted that and he said he didn't but they did it anyway. He said he should have said no to some of the stuff instead of ''I don't think so.'' Howard said they did it anyway. Drew said they did and it was one moment where he had his doubts. He said they might have to do it to make it feel more real. Howard said you must get more nervous about it too. Drew said that it's not Mensa people abducting you. He said they're real people who have criminal records doing it. He said it just takes one slip up to accidentally slit your throat.
Drew said that they had him for about 14 hours in this kidnapping thing. It cost them $1,500 to do that. He said he had to kind of plan when he was going to be kidnapped. He said they can do it at random times if that's what you want. Howard asked if they can stop it if it's a bad time for you. Drew said he texted to ask if they were coming and they told him to stop texting. He said he thinks that the stun gun was set to a low setting. He said it was shocking but not that bad.
Howard said that this was a set up thing but the people hired are real kidnappers. He said that they're in Detroit when they do this. Howard said that they could have had a real kidnapping easily.
Howard asked about Drew being forced to pee into a cup and things like that. Drew said he has a bad back so he had to be handcuffed in the front. He said he had to sleep on an air mattress that had a leak so he was basically sleeping on hard floor. He said that he asked for real thugs but they do have girls who will do it too. He said that he was afraid that the girls would get mad at a man and beat the shit out of you.
Drew said he had to pee and he had to ask for a bottle. He said one thing they teach you is that the more you ask for stuff the more you get your ass kicked. He said he got kicked in the stomach asking for a bottle. He did get one but he really did get kicked. Drew said his hands were cuffed so he had to get his dick out with his cuffed hands. He said that the bottle was small so it started to over flow. He said he had to get his ass kicked again and then got a Gatorade bottle to pee in. Drew said he was blindfolded too. He said he would just take the thing off.
Howard said he had to pee in the car once and he peed into a Poland Spring bottle and his dick fit into it. Drew said the Gatorade bottles are the best for that. He said your dick will fit into that.
Howard said the article is in GQ magazine. He said it's pretty interesting. Howard thanked Drew for calling in and let him go.
Robin asked if women sign up for this stuff. Howard said it has to be a guy thing. He said guys are freaks. He said that it might be a gay may who likes to be man handled by other men. Robin said she doesn't understand MMA fighting because guys have their face in other guy's asses and crotches. Howard said that's fighting though. He said that's different.
Howard said he thinks that this is a guy thing and the urge to want to drop a load is so crazy. Howard said Beth was telling him about her period coming on and how she can feel it building. He said she can feel it in her tits. Robin said that's a hormonal thing. Howard asked if her boobs stop hurting once her period comes. She said it does. Howard said he wanted to fuck her to get the period to come. It didn't work. Howard said she got angry that it didn't work. He said he tried to describe a guy's urges and how you have to get rid of that load. He said you get irritable. He said that's why women are so powerful. He said they can get rid of that load for a man.
Howard said he doesn't need all of that weird stuff to get off. He said all he needs is that vagina. Robin said she was reading about how guys get addicted to pornography. She said that Sal is like that. Howard said that's all bullshit. He said that it's not like that. He said you don't have to keep building up more and more outrageous porn. He said he's been watching porn for years and he doesn't need that. Robin said he's not an addict though. She said he's like a pot smoker who only has it sometimes. Howard said he likes porn the way it is and he doesn't need anything crazy. Robin said they have programs for guys who are like that. Howard said he doesn't need that at all.
Howard said he loves to watch TV and eat cashews and raisins. He said he told Beth to get rid of that stuff but she won't do it. Then she'll buy him more when he asks her not to. Howard said he loves nuts and that's his downfall. Howard said Beth doesn't eat any of that stuff. He said she hasn't had sugar treats in years. He said she loves sugar though. Howard said her mother sent him a bag of pistachios for Christmas but he told Beth that they're going to kill him. Howard said he eats them constantly. Howard said he has some belly on him.
Howard said he can go through handfuls of cashews. Howard said he'll start to talk to himself and tell himself what he can eat and not eat. He said he'll start eating fruit to get away from the nuts. Howard said he gets in front of that TV and he has to eat. He said he'll eat an apple and then he'll want more nuts so then he'll get some grapes. He said the grapes are no good for you either. Howard said he eats so much of this stuff that he's gassy. He said he woke up this morning and had to take a dump.
Howard said his goal weight is 190 but he's 199 pounds. He said he gained 3 pounds just eating that stuff last night. He said he's not sure what he's going to do.
Robin said it seems to her that he has to give up the trigger. She said that's TV. Howard said he only does it when he's in that one room watching actual TV. He can watch on his iPad and not eat. Robin said he has to get rid of the food. Howard said Beth won't do it. Howard said he has to drop some weight for AGT. Robin said he has to stay in a neutral room and watch his iPad.
Howard said he was reading about this Samoa Airlines thing where they're going to charge people by the pound. Howard said they're going to weigh you and charge you by how much you weigh. Howard said everything is done by weight so why not tickets. Robin said they might need a livestock scale to weigh these people. Robin said some of them are very large. Howard said they're not all heavy.
Howard said they had a big break through in Saudi Arabia. He said they are going to let women ride bicycles but they have to be accompanied by a male. He said that's some break through for 2013.
Robin said that she was watching HGTV and they showed a family that moved to the United Arab Emirates. Robin said the wife becomes the husband's possession when you get there. Howard said it's cool when you get to a country that's run by dudes. He said it's like going to a strip club. Howard said you're like the manager of a strip club and the women can't do anything without your permission. Howard said it's like your house is the champagne room. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and listened to that song Richard created. Howard said that's ''Jew Rock.'' He said that song is sweeping the country. He said it's the latest trend. Howard said if you listen to that you'll see God. Robin said it's growing on her. She said she hated it yesterday. Howard said it's like a fungus.
Howard went through the top 5 songs and had Rihanna at number 5. Bruno Mars was at 4 and Justin Timberlake was at 3. Howard said number 2 is Harlem Shake. Number 1 is Macklemore and Ryan. He said he saw them on SNL and thought they were good. Howard let the song play for a few seconds. He said that guy is a white kid. Robin said he's not really. Robin said he does a great impression.
Howard played a bit where they had JD Harmeyer running for a political office. They had him giving his thoughts on various things.
Howard said they've been playing the Chyna drops lately where she teaches people English. He said they had a prank phone call and now they have a song parody. He played the song which was to the tune of ''Hey Jude'' with Chyna talking to Gene in those teaching tapes. They had some of her coughs and moans in there too.
Howard asked Robin if she wanted to do some brackets. He said he had a few different ones. Howard said they had one where Robin would pick the hottest guy. Howard said they had what animal would you have sex with. Robin said that's not a game. Robin asked how you have an answer for that. Howard said they have most annoying staffer too. Robin wanted to do that one. Howard said he has to get to a lot of stuff so he asked how long that one would be. Gary said it's only 16.
Howard said they have clips of Joey Boots Baba Booey'ing at a Mets game. Howard said that he did it 3 different times. Howard played the clip of a broadcast where Joey was screaming out the Baba Booey thing. He would yell it out at the top of his lungs and it could be heard very well while this broadcast was happening. He was screaming at the top of his lungs and wouldn't stop. Howard said he's got a very powerful voice. Gary said that the guy talking is a big fan of the show so he knows he's hearing it. He said he knows what it means.
Howard said Joey wasn't done yet. He played more of Joey yelling out Baba Booey. The host kept going with his interview.
Richard came in and told Howard what he would have picked. He said you have to think about how it would go if you tried to have sex with these things. Howard said he's going to let Richard go through this. He said he has no idea what to pick. Gary would give the guys their choices and they'd explain their answers. Howard said wanted to get this over with. Here are Richard's choices:
Here are Richard's next 4 picks out of the 8:
And Richard's final four:
Richard's final pick was the dolphin because they don't have ticks. Howard told him to get out of there. Howard wondered if Sal agreed with that. He said they could double team the dolphin maybe. Howard said he's not sure he wants to play this next clip where you learn how to blow guys. He said he's just turned off to sex now.
Howard said he has a bunch of anchorman laughing over the word penis. Howard played the clip where a news guy was doing a sports report and says penis instead of Peter. Then that made the guys on the newscast laugh.
Howard said they had a news clip where a couple of DJs were kicked off the air for a stunt they pulled on April Fools day. Howard played the clip and they were saying that the DJs had said that they had dihydrogen dioxide coming out of the drinking water and sent people into a panic. It turns out that's just another name for water. Howard said they got suspended over that. Howard said they sent people into a panic over that. Howard said they say that you don't fuck with water, food or shelter on the air.
Howard looked for more stuff to play. He said he has some stuff to play but it's going to take him some time. Howard said he has a clip of a woman who died and said she visited with God. Howard said he had to take a break and get to Louis C.K. next though.
Howard came back and said that Louis C.K. was there. Howard said that Louis has a stand up special coming out on HBO soon. He said he has a show on FX too. Howard said he comes up with an hour for stand up on HBO and then he'll never do that hour again. Louis said that hour is done after this Saturday. Howard said he had to spend like a year working on that material. Louis said it was about a year.
Howard said that he has to start writing new material after that. Louis said after April 14th he's going to be the shittiest comedian in the country. He said he has one or two bits that he'll have after that. Louis said he shot the special in March so he's going to add a few little things. He said he'll go on at the Comedy Cellar and do 10 minutes. He said he starts out with that and works from there. He said that stuff is in his head. He said if he writes it down he'll forget it.
Howard asked Louis what idea he has in his head that he might try out on stage. Louis said he records every show he does. He said he forgets stuff all the time. He said he'll listen to old shows and listen to what he's done. He said that the basic stuff is all up there in his head though. Howard asked if he can't remember it then it must not be that good. Louis said it's kind of like that.
Howard asked Louis if he is against putting it on tape like a recording artist does. Louis said he'd love to be organized enough to do that. He said he does write himself an email on the Blackberry once in a while. He said he doesn't really look at them though. Louis said he has something in his head that just won't retain it anymore if he does that.
Howard asked Louis how he knows an idea is good enough if he's never tried it on state. Louis said he's been on stage so much that he just knows when it could work. He said you just know. He said there are bits that he thinks that some people may not like but he'd like to try them out instead.
Howard asked if he's ever had a crowd disturbed by something so much that he shouldn't have done it on stage. Louis said he had one bit that never quite made it. He said he could have made it work. He said he had a dark thought about something. He said he put it in his TV series. He said people hate child molesters more than murderers. He said that's just the end if you're caught doing that. Louis said that's why a lot of kids who are molested get killed. He said that they just can't let the kid go because they can't get caught. Louis said if we could hate child molesting a little less then maybe we could get some kids back. Howard said that is a brilliant thought. Howard said we're actually hating child molesters so much that we're not getting the kids back.
Louis said that he isn't sure what to do with that information when he thinks of it. Howard said he came to the right place today. He said he came to the right show to air that out. Louis said he knew it was funny but he knew people would get upset. He said he knows he's going to upset some people if he does that bit.
Howard said he thought Chris Rock doing his dark material is the best. He said that Louis must go through that period where he thinks about not being able to do it. Louis said that he's lost audiences who are afraid to laugh at his dark material. He said that you lose credibility with the audience. He said if you repeated it a few times you can find ways to make it work for people.
Howard said he finds it brave for him to do something like starting all over again with his material after his special airs on HBO. Louis said that's his job. He said he has to do that and it's his responsibility to go out there and do it. He said he finds that if an audience comes and sees you twice and they see the same thing that's all they'll come out to see. He said it's just twice.
Howard said George Carlin said that a good comic has only two good hours in them. Louis said that he had more than two hours. He said Carlin had a lot of great hours. Howard asked if he's an idol to him. Louis said he is and so is Bill Cosby. Howard said he went to see Cosby once and he was bored by him. Louis said he thinks he's great.
Howard asked when he knew he wanted to be a comedian. Louis said he knew in the 4th grade. He said he would listen to Bill Cosby records and then Steve Martin. He said the Gong Show was big then. Howard said it's kind of like America's Got Talent. Louis said that they had a Gong Show in school and he did stand-up there. He said he thinks he did pretty good too. He came in third in the talent contest. Howard asked if his parents were supportive. Louis said this was all in school. He said after high school his mother was happy he was doing anything other than doing drugs.
Howard asked Louis where he grew up and found out it was in Newton, Massachusetts. Louis said that he ended up going to jail for dumb shit. He said he broke into cars and stole change. He said he did drugs and he was a total mess. He said he was smoking pot and doing quaaludes. Howard said he was into ludes too. Howard said Louis is younger than him but when he was in college they were only 25 cents each. Howard said he must have been addicted. Louis said if you get addicted you can get a heart attack easily. He said they're not even available anymore.
Howard said those things made him very horny too. Louis said that he was like 12 when he was doing them. Howard said they would make him want to fuck and he thought the women were attractive. He said he gave them to the girls so they'd think he was attractive too.
Howard asked Louis what his home life was like. He said he lived with his mother and his father wasn't around much. He said that he doesn't have much to do with him now. He said his dad was down the street from them but he wasn't involved in their lives. He said he was a very self involved guy. He said he was a narcissist kind of dude. Louis said that he didn't have any other kids. He said he doesn't hate his dad. He last saw him a couple of years ago. Robin asked if he paid more attention once he got famous. Louis said no. He said he did try to get something going with the guy but it was just weird an it would turn into a mess. He said it's like talking to a guy who literally has his head up his ass.
Howard asked Louis if he's ever sat his dad down and asked him to be there for him and pay attention to him. Louis said he thinks that he'd be too excited about that and it would end up going nowhere. He said this is the most he's been asked about him and he's not even sure what to say. He said has empathy for him and he doesn't think he's a bad guy. He said he doesn't want to say anything too bad about him.
Howard asked Louis if he thinks the drugs and stealing were a cry for attention from him. Louis said sure. Louis said his daughter is 11 and she's one year away from when he was doing drugs. He said he's sure that it had a lot to do with their divorce and all of that. He said he made his own choices though. He said he can't really blame his parents for that.
Louis said he thinks that it was best for him that his mom was there for him. He said his dad is Mexican and he was raised in a Catholic way and he thinks that his life is very different for him. He said it didn't turn into a relationship for them. He said his dad was an economist for a while but then he was a court stenographer.
Howard asked Louis if his mom had to bail him out of jail. He said she was raising 4 kids and he was making her life hell. He said he feels really sorry for her now. He said they have a great relationship so they got through it. Louis said that she would ask what was wrong with him but they had a great friendship. He said that she'd talk to him about that and then by the time they got home they were talking about other things. Howard said his mother would have guilt tripped him over that for months.
Howard asked Louis if he's ever had his IQ tested. Both of his parents went to Harvard. Howard said he must want to excel at school because of that. Louis said he never felt that in the house. He said his mom was just very smart and he was inspired to be smart. He said she was like a beacon.
Howard asked if he went to college. Louis said he wanted to but he was so bad that he just couldn't do it. He said he had to be outside doing other things. Howard said that's such a rebellious thing to do. Howard said he never could have done that. Louis said that he liked just walking out of the building. He said he'd go to Boston after leaving school.
Howard said Louis sounds like the worst kid in school. Louis said there were about 5 of them who would do nothing but get high and leave class. He said that he and a friend were out getting high once and these two bullies came up to them. He said that they asked what they were doing and they shared their weed with them. He said that it was the freaks and bullies joining forces. He said it was very strange. Howard said he had an experience like that. He said he was talking to this guy who was an anti-Semite and the guy asked for some pot. He said that they were bonding after that. He said his friends wondered why he was doing that when he was such a bully. Howard said he bonded over pot.
Louis said his junior high school went to 9th grade. He said that they were such a horrible grade of kids that they kicked 9th grade up to the high school. He said it was because of him and the group of friends that they changed things. He said they passed everyone up and put them in the high school. Howard said he was like the town idiot. Louis said they were really bad and he's not proud of that. Howard said maybe he could have learned more if he wasn't like that. Louis said he knows that and he has holes in his memory from doing acid and stuff. Howard said he did blotter acid and it was awful.
Howard said the luck wasn't there for Louis early on. Howard asked what comedy club was his first. Louis said he did Stitches in Boston. He said he was working for his mom cleaning and also working at KFC. Louis said that he didn't even kiss a girl until 11th grade. Howard asked if it was misery working at KFC. Louis said it was torture for him. He said he was the cook there and he was doing that all day long. He said he did things he liked to do even if the was told not to. He said he was a good cook. He said he made chicken right. Louis said he still makes chicken at home for his kids.
Howard asked Louis about his first time on stage. Louis said he was listening to a radio show and heard about an open mic night. He didn't know what that was but they explained it on the radio show. He knew he could be on stage if he took the bus in. He said he gave himself 3 weeks to think about it and he came up with jokes. He said he would whisper them to himself. He said he thought he had 2 hours of great material in him. Louis said he thought he was going to be the next great thing in comedy. He kept it all in his head and didn't write it down. He said he did about a minute and a half and people just stared at him.
Howard asked what the jokes were. Louis said he had one about asking his mom what sex was and how she told him that it was what Mrs. Brady did when she turned out the lights so he always thought sex was about paper towels. He said that's about all he had and he walked off. He said the emcee made fun of him for about 10 minutes after that. Howard asked why he didn't just walk away after that. Louis said he didn't die and he was still interested in doing it. He said he made it through that bad feeling.
Howard asked if his second appearance was better. Louis said it was worse. He said he had Kevin Meany ask him to do a show and he brought him out in front of a huge crowd and he ended up dying up there. He said that it was horrible. He said he has one tape of himself from 1987 and he's berating an audience member. He said he went off on the guy for making a noise. He said he's not an angry guy but he does get mad at people who talk to comedians.
Howard asked when he knew he was funny. Louis said started out when he was 17 and it didn't work out very well. He said he was too young to drink. He said he waited a year and then went back and tried a place in Harvard Square and they liked him there. He said it was one good set. He said he didn't think much about it before he went there. He said he felt bad just walking into Stitches. This other place just felt right.
Howard said he looks at Louis' life and he thinks he worked hard on this whole thing. Howard said Eddie Murphy was a kid but Louis was out there working for years.
Howard said he read about a guy from Saturday Night Live coming out to see him. Louis said that was in 1993. Howard said all of the comics went up and everyone got hired other than Louis. Louis said that it was Sarah Silverman, Dave Attell, Jay Mohr, Laura Kightlinger and others. He said they all got hired. Louis said he had a good set that night too. He said that a lot of the guys who are at SNL were there with him that night. Howard said that has to be an annihilating of his ego. Louis said it was. Howard asked if he was upset about that. Louis said it was tough because many of them were younger than him.
Howard asked if he ever called the others who got hired and asked them to help him out. Louis said he never thought of that move. He said he said to himself that it might be it. He said all of the clubs were dying at the time too so it was hard to make a living at it. He said he had no other skills though. Howard asked if he had any other training. Louis said he had made some little movies and stuff but that wasn't much training.
Howard asked who hired him to write at Conan's show. Louis said it was Bob Smigel. He said he had stayed up until 4 in the morning the night before and he was talking to Mark Maron about moving out to Los Angeles. Howard said Mark has a podcast now called What the Fuck. Howard said Mark wants him to do his podcast all the time. Louis said that it's easy to be friends with him. He said they're not that close but they do say that they love each other when they do see each other.
Louis said that he and Nick DiPaolo are good friends. He said he and Bob Kelly are good friends and Jim Norton too. He said Todd Barry opens up for him a lot and hangs out at his house a lot too.
Howard said Bob Smigel is great. He said he wrote those cartoons on SNL. Howard said at least he had Bob call him out of nowhere. Louis said that Jim Downey called Bob and told him about him. Louis said he was way better off at Conan than he would be on SNL. He said that things are very positive over there now. He said back then it was rough. He said it seemed like a lot of misery was going on there. He said he would visit and it was very depressing over there.
Howard asked what he would do for Conan. Louis said that he was a stand-up so he was asked to do some writing. He said he had some short films made that he sent to them too. He said he got to do all of that stuff there. He said he was getting a big paycheck there too. He said he was off the road and he was making $2,600 a week. He said he had to open a bank account. He said he showed the guy there at the bank the check and wondered if they were going to show him the special room there and introduce him to the head of the bank.
Howard said Louis had no concept of credit and he ended up buying a car and spending too much on his credit card. He wasn't able to pay his bills because of that. Louis said they took the BMW back but he took a $5,000 hit on that. He said he was in trouble for a long time.
Howard asked Louis how he kept his material separate from the Conan stuff. Louis said that he learned to use different parts of his brain. Louis said he hated writing the monologue jokes so he started writing some of the bits instead. Louis said he stuck around with Conan for 2 years. He said he was burnt out after that. He said he didn't like it anymore and he had to get out. Howard asked if he wanted to work on his stand-up. Louis said that Robert Smigel left and he was offered a chance to produce the show. Louis said he said no. He said he wasn't sure why he was saying no but Conan told him why. He said Conan was mad a little bit. Louis said he demanded a lot of money and credits thinking that they'd drop him. He said Conan went to bat for him and he got it. He said he was asking for like $7,500 a week. Louis said that Conan told him that he wasn't taking it because he could see his whole life ahead of him. He said Conan was like that too. He said Conan told him that he knew what was going on in his head because that happened to him.
Louis said that he wanted to do stand-up and not be stuck in that job. He said he wasn't married at the time either. He said he knew he could take it living a bad life. He said he got through it all. Howard said it takes a lot of confidence to do that.
Howard said Louis went out and did his stand-up. Louis said he did that and then Letterman's people said he could do stand-up for them if he wrote for the show. He said he did it. He said he did that for 3 months. Louis said they wrote from an office and handed it in so it was different then over at Conan's show. Howard said he learned from all of this for his own TV show. Louis said that working for Letterman was like signing with the Yankees. He said he loves Dave. Howard said it seems very isolated over there. Louis said it is. He said no one talks to Dave. He said he gets it from Dave's point of view though. Howard said he doesn't get it. He said he's too isolated from his writers. Louis said there was one writer who said that it was like throwing a rock at a mountain with a cloud around it and you get feedback from where the rock bounces off and lands.
Louis said he was writing top 10 jokes that would never get in so he started writing jokes that were kind of a fuck you kind of thing and they would get in. Howard said Dave would react to his shitty jokes. Louis said he didn't even know they were going to use jokes until he saw them on the show.
Louis said that he appeared on Letterman 5 times and he did really good about 3 times. He said it never hit that big though. He said that he did some other writing stuff for Dana Carvey. He said he could have written for Chris Rock. He said he did the Dana Carvey thing and that was for ABC. He said it was a bad idea. He said Chris was going to hire him and let him do his own thing there for HBO. Louis said Robert Smigel told him about this Dana show and it was sketch comedy. He said he took that partly because of money and partly because it was ABC. He said it was glammy. Louis said Chris is funny but he's not sure what he's going to do for a TV show. He said Chris called him like 3 times.
Howard said that has to be a lot of pressure on him to say it's going to be his own show. Louis said it was. He said that he was going to be the head writer on Dana's show too though. He said he made good money there. He said he thinks it was about $10,000 a week.
Howard asked Louis if he has an agent. Louis said he has a manger he's had since 1993. He said that's Dave Becky. He said that he's very loyal to him.
Howard asked Louis about his TV show and how he's getting critical acclaim and how surreal that must seem to him. He said he must have thought it would never happen for him. Howard asked if he writes it a couple of days before they shoot. Louis said he writes the whole season at once. He said it's not just days before shooting.
Howard asked about the kid who works on the show who tries to ad-lib her lines. Louis said he would like her not to do that but she's a bright kid. Louis said he writes the episodes himself but he has someone who can help out. Howard asked about FX offering him $250,000 to do the whole show. Louis said that was for the pilot. He said that they bumped it up to $300,000 for the entire episode. He said he agreed to that and they're still only at 4 something. He said he gets paid very little to do that show. He said it's the greatest deal he ever made in his life though. He said FX doesn't read the scripts so they don't know what it's going to be until they see it. He has complete freedom. Louis said that they just keep going. He said they only give him editing notes.
Howard said he must be upset that he's not getting a lot of money doing that show. Louis said he makes money touring. He said he makes good money too. Howard said Louis also put tickets for sale on his own web site. Louis said he wasn't saying ''Fuck Ticketmaster'' like Howard is making it sound. Howard said he sells the tickets to his fans though. Louis said he had done some specials and he wanted to do another one and no one really wanted it. He said that no one makes a business out of stand up specials. He said he decided to put it out on his web site and not make it hard to do. Louis said there's no thing where you can't steal it or anything. He offered it for 5 bucks. Howard said his fans love him so much that they paid for it. Louis said he made a million bucks in a week with that. Howard said when he sells tickets to his shows he does the same thing.
Louis said that his web site guy asked if he wanted the opt-in email button to be on or off. Louis said he had it turned off. He said you have to want to get email from him. Louis said the ticket services are tough so he just charged a flat fee for tickets on his web site. He said he just wrote to people who are fans. He said that they generated a few million dollars in a few days. Howard said now he's a multi-millionaire. Louis said he's doing okay but he bought a house so he's in debt now.
Howard said Louis is the comic's comic and he says he's not a multi millionaire. Louis said that his mortgage is higher than his bank account. He said he's living in New York and he's in debt. Louis said he has a boat and a house so he's just an asshole.
Howard said we know his struggle now and he's turned to FX and said that he's burnt out with the TV show so he's taking off until 2014. Howard asked where his fear is. He said he must be afraid that the show is going to be forgotten. Louis said he's not looking at the spectacle of the whole thing. He said he just wants the show to be good. Howard said it's good now though. He said instead of skipping the year maybe he should hire two guys to help write it. Louis said it won't be the same. Howard said maybe he's like his dad the narcissist.
Louis said he had a show called Lucky Louie that was like that. He said that they wrote it with other guys and it was good but not the same as this Louie show.
Howard asked where he works from. Louis said that he works half the week. He has the kids 3 days a week and he doesn't really work on those days. He said he won't shoot his TV show on those days with the kids. He said he's still friendly with his ex-wife. Howard said he sees why he doesn't have money now. He said he lost it to his ex-wife. Louis said that didn't work out because they weren't compatible to live together. He said they lasted 9 years and had two kids. He said he had a joke about how they were married for 9 years so they were almost done.
Howard asked Louis if he stuck around the marriage too long. Louis said he thinks he may have. He said things were tough. He said that he learned that there was more to marriage than he thought from Andrew Dice Clay. He said he talked to Dice one night and he told him what it would be like if he got divorced. He said he got advice from Dice about that. Howard said he's a very nice guy.
Howard said he heard that Louis was wanted by Woody Allen for a film. He had to go in and audition. Louis said that he didn't care if he got the movie or not. He said that he just wanted to meet Woody. He said he went in and fucked up the audition. Louis said Woody said he knew he could act but he was asking him to play a really mean and tough guy. He said he wasn't sure if he could play that part. Louis said he went in and read this thing and knew it wasn't someone he could play. He said he knew it was going to look bad and it was going to suck.
Howard said there is an art to auditioning. Louis said he could read the lines as a different person. He said he was going to have a good audition though. He tried it but he could tell that Woody knew it wasn't going to work. He said Woody thanked him for coming in and he left. He said he got a call about two weeks later who said that Woody's assistant was bringing him a package. He said he got a letter from Woody saying he was too sweet to play the guy but he could have another part. Howard said Dice ended up getting that part instead of Louis. Louis said he plays the other part and he got to have lunch with Woody and had the greatest time of his life.
Howard said Dice is a big part of his life. Howard asked if he brought Dice to tell his wife that he was going to leave her. Louis got a laugh out of that. Howard said Louis took Dice's advice about divorce and he must have a lot of women coming on to him. Louis said it doesn't happen that often. He doesn't have a girlfriend right now. He said he has dated of course. He said he did hang in there with someone for a couple of years after the divorce.
Howard asked what Louis does in his spare time. He asked if he does Facebook. Louis said he got rid of that. He said he did get laid a couple of times through there though. He said he got some pictures from women and he ended up having a couple. He said that it was actually Myspace, not Facebook. He said it worked a few times.
Howard said he can see him with another comic. Louis said that he did date a couple. He said he wanted to be with Sarah Silverman. He said he was like 22 and she was only 19. He said he felt creepy at the time. He said that he really wanted to be with her and he made it clear to her. He said all of the comics wanted to fuck her. He said that she's fun as hell. He said they're great friends now. He said that they've been friends ever since then. Howard said that has to be tough when you see her fucking other comics. Louis said she fucked them all. He said he was just kidding.
Howard said Louis' HBO special is called Oh My God. Louis said he hears a lot of that during his show so that's why he called it that. Howard said he's very busy with all of the stuff he's doing. Louis said this is one of the reasons he took the year off. He said that he wanted to do this. Louis said he's burnt out from doing two shows a night since August.
Howard said Jerry Seinfeld loves doing stand-up too. He said it's easier for some than it is for others. Louis said it's great. Howard said he can talk into a microphone all day but he wouldn't want to do it in front of people. Louis said he'd be terrified of doing what Howard does. He said he tried it once and it was terrifying. He said it scares the shit out of him.
Howard said Chris Rock told him that he does a stand-up show a day. Louis said that he's just that thing and he flows with it. He said that's what stand-ups want to be. He said they have to work at it. He said Howard is like a zen master of comedy. Howard said that's a compliment coming from him. Howard said he would think that the honing of what they do is the thing they do. Louis said it's not easy.
Howard gave Louis some more plugs for his special and said he's happy for him. He said he's happy he's getting laid. Louis said it's been a while. He said he's not sure how to get to women. He said he's a little isolated right now. Howard asked if he would ever get married again. Louis said no but then he said he doesn't know what his future is. Howard said he may not have room for anything else in his life. Louis said he loves being in love and loves sex so he would like that. He said he just bought a house and did everything himself so he's very happy that way. He said he's not looking to have a man cave and let her have the rest of the house. He said marriage is a weird leftover thing. He said people put too much pressure on themselves. He said he could meet someone that he has to be with every second though. He said he could change his mind.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked who the biggest jerk is that he's met in his career. Howard asked who was mean to him. Louis said a guy who is dead was mean to him. He said he showed up late to a show he was opening up for once. He said he missed the first show and it had something to do with a motorcycle. Louis said the guy fell off the wagon because of him. He said the guy's name was John Fox. He said he made him feel bad and he had just made a mistake.
Howard asked if he rides a motorcycle now. Louis said that he does have one but he never rides it. He said he had to buy the one he had in his TV show so he kept it.
Howard asked Louis who he likes out there. He said he has Jenny McCarthy coming in to do a dating game. He said he might want to get in on that. Louis said he would like to hang out with her. Howard said he can put him on that. Louis said they'll have to talk about it.
Howard asked Louis about what age he likes to date. Louis said he likes women in their mid-30s. He said there aren't many women his age that he'd date. He said he's not looking to do the Brady Bunch thing with more kids. He said he has the right number of kids.
Howard said he's said it all. He said that he made a lot of sense and didn't embarrass himself. He said we'll all tune in to see his ''Oh My God'' special on HBO on April 13th at 10pm. Howard asked what subjects he'll hit. Louis said he almost forgets the jokes now. He said they're on their way out so he has to forget them. Howard said we'll tune in to hear them. Louis talked about how he's going to be starting out all over again with new material after this special airs. Howard said he must feel he has to pull out the old material to make the audience laugh. Louis said that he only does 10 minutes and works his way up from there.
Howard asked Louis if he thinks that Jay is a sell out. Louis said he thinks Jay likes that job and he wants to get laughs from as many people as he can. He said that's what he always wanted to do. He said he's essentially doing that. He said he thinks that he's a hard working guy and he likes what he's doing.
Howard asked if Louis understands what NBC is doing to Jay. Louis said he doesn't get it. He said all he's done is get them ratings and all they want is him out of there. Howard said he doesn't get it either even though he's not a big Jay fan. He said he's not sure why he doesn't get any respect. Howard asked Louis why that is. Louis said that some of it is a coolness factor. He said Jay once told him that Dave gets the Emmy and he's number one so it all works out. He said Jay is all about the audience at home. He said he doesn't think he gives a shit what the cool kids say about him. He said he's in his own world where he has to fight for his show. Louis said that Jay calls him once in a while and just calls to say he saw him on something. He said he's just a nice guy. Louis said all of those late night guys are crazy. He's worked for two of them and he knows.
Louis said that Jay took over the Tonight Show and that's his job. He said he wanted the job and he got it. He said he excelled at it for years and then the guy on at 12:30 said he was only staying if he could have that job. He said that Jay wasn't asking to leave. Howard said they're now in the same position there with Jimmy Fallon and Jay. Howard said he's not sure why NBC is denying it when the whole deal is done already.
Howard said they have a lot to think about after this. Louis said he hopes he wasn't boring. Howard said he thought he was great. He wished him luck with his special and told everyone to tune in. Howard said he had a good time with him at Jimmy Kimmel's party. Howard said he hopes he didn't talk to him too long. Louis said he was hoping the same thing. Howard said he had to talk to Louis and he thinks they spoke for an hour. Louis said they had a great time. Howard wrapped up and went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he likes this song because they mention Jai Guru Deva in it. Howard said the song is great either way.
Howard mentioned some stuff he and his mother have done with Transcendental Meditation. Robin mentioned that she and Howard's mother went to a meditation retreat once and they almost got kicked out for laughing too much.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he loved that Louis C.K. interview. Howard said he had a great time talking to him at Kimmel's party.
Howard said they won't be there next week. He's going to be in AGT mode. He said he may be on the Today show on Monday though. He said he may just stand there and not say anything until they ask him a question. Robin said we haven't heard much from the judges together this season. Robin said she'll have to get that since AGT 101 was a scam.
Howard said he thinks Heidi is way into him. He said everyone can see that. He said he has to keep his distance. He said he can't be fucking her and be married. He said it would be too complicated. Howard said he's pretty sure Mel B has no interest in him at all. Howard said it's funny to see all the guys checking out their asses when they're walking in.
Howard took a call from High Pitch Eric who said he's happy that AGT is going to be at Radio City Music Hall. Howard said they have announced they won't let Eric in. Eric said he behaved himself when he was there. Howard said he's thrilled they're doing it there this year. He said that was the announcement they did.
Eric asked Howard if he's going to be doing Fallon and Letterman before the season starts. Howard and Robin had a hard time understanding what he was saying. Howard said his agent called and NBC does want him to make appearances. He said he thought it would be refreshing not to see him. He said he tried to wrangle out of the Today show appearance. He said he had to do that. Howard said they want him to be a team player so he has to do it. Howard said next week they're at Hammerstein Ballroom so people should come by and check that out. Howard said all of his friends will be there. He said you can find tickets on HowardStern.com.
Howard said what he's going to do is something different so he's going to do the Katie Couric show. Howard said he hopes it's not a full hour. Howard said he hopes Katie wears a nice dress. He wants to see her legs. Howard said he's going to request that. Howard said he may also do Jimmy Fallon's show but that's it.
Eric asked if he's doing The View again. Howard said two shows is enough. He said it's enough with those appearances. He said he's over it. Eric said he started working again. Howard said that's what you're supposed to do. He said he's glad Eric is working again. Eric said he loves Howard. Howard said weirdly enough he loves Eric too. He said he'll see him at AGT next week.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Louis C.K. was great today. He said he didn't care about him until today. Howard said it's always interesting to see the struggle people have to go through. He said he enjoyed it too. The caller asked if they could have him sit in for a whole day one day. Howard said they'll put that out there for him. Howard said he's going to try to convince Louis to come back for the Jenny McCarthy dating game show. He said he wasn't kidding about that. He said maybe Jenny would go out with him.
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to play. He said he had more Michelle Shocked stuff to play. He said someone must have gotten a hold of her about what she was saying on that clip he played last week. Howard said Piers Morgan got her on his show. Howard said poor Piers got stuck with a woman who isn't making sense and she may be a bit disturbed. Howard said he thinks that Piers did the right thing by rushing her off of the show.
Howard said he wanted to get to the news but he had this clip to play. Robin said she wanted to hear it. Howard played the audio and Michelle was rambling about what went on at her show and explaining why she was doing what she did. She was saying something about giving the audience truth and then reality and they really didn't want reality. Howard said the cuckoo clocks must have gone off for Piers at that point. Howard said things started to get very dark and scary when Piers tried to get into her head. Howard played more of the audio and Piers was asking about her possibly being homophobic. She said that she is deeply in love with a man and she would never want to deny that to anyone else. She wouldn't say if she's homophobic or not. Howard said he kind of gave her the hustle off the show. He played a clip of Michelle talking about a project she's been working on for the past 5 years about homophobia. Piers told her that she answered the questions and he'll let people decide. He wrapped up and cut her off.
Howard said she's talking like she's writing a song. Howard said these people are whacked out of their skull. He said you almost have to be to write a song. Howard played one of her songs and said it was awful within a second or two. Howard said he doesn't know much about her but she seems kind of like a lesbian but maybe she's not.
Benjy said that he thinks he got out of her that she is into the bible and that's the reality for her. He said he thinks that she has a dilemma with it. Howard said she had better get with it quick or she'll have no career. Benjy said there is a dilemma in there if you think being gay is okay. Robin and Benjy started arguing so Howard cut them off.
JD said that she talked about a manager who hit on her and he put the rumor out there that she was gay. Howard said Benjy could have a career as a Michelle Shocked interpreter. Howard said they were thinking about what she would say if she was against retarded people. He played a clip that they created where she was talking about how Jesus hates retards. They had some Gary the Retard clips mixed in with that.
Howard had another Michelle Shocked clip where she was on another show. Howard said he could listen to her all day. JD said this was shortly after the whole thing on stage. Howard asked JD if he would rather have sex with Michelle Shocked or a dolphin. JD said he thinks he'd go with Michelle since she is human.
Howard said this woman Nicole Handler has an internet radio show and she was going to do an interview with Michelle Shocked. She tried to get her on the radio but Michelle never picked up and she tweeted her instead. Howard played the audio of this Nicole talking about what Michelle said to her on Twitter. She tried calling a few times but she wasn't picking up. Howard said this woman is so frustrated. He said she's about to get someone in the news on her show.
Howard said this is very funny. He said Michelle eventually picks up. Then you hear Nicole's voice on the computer playing back. Nicole had to ask her to turn down the computer so she could hear her. Robin was laughing. Howard said he had to play that for her. Howard said that's persistence. Robin said that was a big moment for her. She hopes she didn't lose her audience. Howard played more of the audio where Nicole asked about what the truth and reality thing was. Michelle had her computer turned back up so she was responding to that instead of the phone call. Howard asked if Michelle or Mariann from Brooklyn is more annoying. Robin said she thinks that Mariann is more annoying. Howard kept going with the audio but he said it goes on and on. Howard said there's like 5 more minutes of tape. Howard played more where Nicole was yelling about Michelle calling in on Skype. She picked her up there and then Michelle said she had to explain the delay. Howard said she thought the delay was something. Nicole said there is a delay on the internet and it takes about 5 seconds. Then Michelle started counting. Nicole was very frustrated with the whole thing.
Howard said Nicole is arguing with someone who is clearly out of it. Robin said she understands what's going on there. She said they're dealing with someone who clearly isn't with it. JD said after Nicole got off the call with Michelle she played one more of her songs and then Michelle called in right in the middle of it so the Skype ring was playing over the song. Then Nicole picks up saying ''Seriously?'' Michelle said ''Shame on you...'' She went on to say the truth is on Twitter. Nicole said that they're nonsensical Tweets she's sending out that don't mean anything. Nicole said she gave her a chance to talk about she didn't. Michelle said she would do that but she had to get rid of the delay. Nicole said she can't get rid of the delay and she's the only one who can hear the fucking delay. Michelle said that she was cutting up what she was trying to say with that delay.
Howard said Sal and Richard made a call to Swap Shop where they were hearing the delay from the show. He played the call where they were all confused about the feedback. Howard said they should get Michelle Shocked to call into Tradio. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin started off with a story about Roger Ebert announcing that he's going to cut his workload. His cancer has reoccurred. Robin said he broke his hip recently and they found it was the result of cancer. Robin said he is going to review movies he wants to review instead of every movie. Robin said he's going to relaunch his web site as well. Howard said he was one of the best guests ever on the show. Howard said if he hadn't gotten sick he would have been a great radio guy. Howard said he thinks he's terrific and he thinks the world of him. He said he's so sorry he's suffering like this.
Robin read about a dentist who may have exposed thousands of people to HIV and Hepatitis. Robin read about some of the things that were found out about the dentist and his practices.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he's in love with Robin. He said he can't quit thinking about her. He said there's something about her voice that's doing it for him. He said he has to turn the show off because he's so turned on by her voice. Robin said she's not sure what it is. Howard asked if Robin can turn it off and on. Robin said she doesn't think so. The caller said that he has to unsubscribe because of it. Howard said she's losing him listeners now.
Robin read a story about police using a tazer on a pregnant woman. Robin said they're defending what they did. Robin said they say that they tried to peacefully tried to work things out but that didn't work. Howard said maybe the baby will grow up with super powers after that. Howard said he was watching a tape on the internet of this guy walking down the street naked and starting fights with people. Howard told Jason to put the link up on the web site. Howard said this guy is naked and fighting and the cops have to grab him. He said it was really awkward. Robin said people love to be stupid.
Robin read a story about that guy from Buckwild who died. Robin said they're saying he died because he's dumb. Robin said they say he was driving his car and doing something called mudding. That's where you get in a car in the dark and drive into mud holes. Howard said people are so childish with their cars. Robin said he drove into this mud hole and got stuck. The muffler was submerged and the carbon monoxide got into the car. Robin said they stayed in the car and probably died from carbon monoxide poisoning. Howard said he can see Sal and Richard doing that. Robin said she can see Richard doing it but maybe not Sal.
Richard came in and said they used to do something even dumber than that. He said his buddy had a truck that they'd tie a rope to and then they'd tie their feet to the rope and get dragged through the mud in their underwear. Howard did his Richard impression and came up with more things that they could have done like jerking off to Brad Pitt posters.
Robin read about the new Pope who was handed a kid who was mentally disabled at an appearance he made. Robin said he hugged and kissed the kid and he's exactly the same now as he was before. Howard said that's a shame. Robin said that he's supposed to be God's voice box there on earth but no miracle happened. Howard said the miracle is that no one in the Catholic church molested the child. Robin said that he doesn't know for sure he wasn't molested. Howard played some street interviews Sal and Richard did on the street about the Pope.
Robin read about the two prosecutors who were killed in Texas. She had some updates on what they're looking into down there.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who was upset with Robin for saying she was more annoying earlier. She got over that quickly and said that Governor Cuomo just announced AGT moving to New York. Howard said he thinks he was partly responsible for that. He said that it is a dream come true for him. He said he's really excited about it and he knows the Governor had a lot to do with it. Howard thanked Mariann for the call. He said she was very pumped up about it today. Howard said Cuomo is a fabulous governor. He thanked him for making that happen.
Robin said that Jimmy Fallon is just about done inking the deal to take over The Tonight Show. Howard said he thinks he's done with it. Robin said they said it's almost done in the paper. Howard said that whole thing is just crazy to him. He said he's never seen anything like this. Howard said Leno is a weirdo. He said he can't wait for Fallon to take over. Robin said the whole thing is bizarre. Howard said it's fun. He said it's fabulous. Robin said they're supposed to keep Leno on until 2014. Robin said he's been through it already and they're keeping him there for more. Howard said he loves the way it's playing out. He thanked NBC for that.
Robin read a story about Jim Henson's wife, Jane, dying. Robin said she was 78. Howard said he thinks that Jim Henson was a wholesome dude. Robin said they met at school. Robin said they met in a puppetry class. Robin said she went to that school but she had no idea that they had a puppetry class. Robin said they were married in 1959 and had 5 children.
Robin read about big crash at a racing event and they've released the 911 calls from that day. Howard played some of the audio clips. They had people calling in about someone who was hit and not breathing. Robin said she was wondering what it would sound like if High Pitch Eric made one of those calls. Howard did his Eric impression and mumbled into his megaphone.
Robin read a story about a study being done about people driving under the influence of marijuana. Howard said no one should be driving under the influence of marijuana. Howard had some audio of a guy talking about how it was going to cause more problems than it would solve. Howard said Robin has seen him driving on marijuana. Robin said they could have died that day. Howard said you should not be driving while on pot.
Robin read about Marion Barry who was the mayor of Washington DC and went to jail for smoking crack. Howard said he came out and became major again. Robin said he was in the hospital for low blood sugar. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:45am.
Jon asked Benjy how he felt with that today. Benjy said he didn't feel hate. He said he doesn't think Howard was into the bit. He said he thinks that people don't like him but that's okay. Scott DePace said that he thinks Jason doesn't like him. Jason said he has no issue with Benjy. He said he might with Scott though.
Jon said they had Benjy and Fred in there. Jason said that Benjy really does win that one so they should move along. Benjy said that it's a subjective thing. Jon said that they're going to give him the prize.
Jon moved on to Robin and Gary. Jason said it's Robin. Scott said it's Gary. Benjy said it all depends on what it all means. He didn't have an answer. He went back and forth on the two and kept saying he's not sure what annoying means. Jason said he wanted to talk about who isn't on the list. They ended up putting Benjy into the final four.
Jon moved on to Doug Goodstein vs. Scott DePace. Benjy said he doesn't know. He said he'd go with DePace but he doesn't know what their definition of annoying is. Jason said Doug is annoying too. Benjy said he loves both of them. Jon asked about Ronnie vs. Gange. Scott said Ronnie with his constant ''fuck you.'' Jason picked Gange. Benjy said he's going with Ronnie. Jon asked who it would be with DePace and Ronnie. Jason picked DePace. Scott took that region according to Jon.
Jon moved on to the back office region. He had Jason vs. Scott Salem. Scott picked Jason. Benjy picked Scott. He said Jason can be more enjoyable in a social way. Jon moved on to Sal vs. Richard. Benjy picked Sal. Then it as Jason vs. Sal. Jason said there's something about Richard that annoys him. Scott said he's going with Sal but not strongly. Jon said they have Jason vs. Sal and he knows Scott is picking Jason. Jason took that region.
Jon asked about the news department region. Jason said he's going with Lisa G over all. Scott said they can't vote for themselves. Jason said he just wants to talk about who is not on the list and why Jon Hein and Ralph Cirella are not on the list. He said Steve and Will aren't on the list either. Jason said he can't believe that Mike Gange is more annoying than Ralph. Jon said that's a good point. They spent a few more seconds on that before they had to go to break.
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks it was fair to make Benjy the most annoying. Ronnie said yes. Will said that Ronnie is the most annoying right now. Ronnie said he won't even talk to Will anymore. He said he sits at his desk with his head down the whole time. The guys told Ronnie that Will is doing something called ''working'' when he's at his desk.
Will said he doesn't think that Benjy is the most annoying but he is at the top of the list. He said Lisa G would be the most annoying to him. Ronnie said that they should have heard her talking about Radio City this morning. He said she was talking about how great the acoustics are there.
Jon moved on to talk about the animal bracket and how seriously Richard took that. Gary said Richard was taking it very seriously and maybe too seriously. He said he found some of it very odd. Jon asked if they think Richard could be with an animal. The guys weren't sure if he had already been with one. Will said it wouldn't surprise him. Scott said he could never look at himself if he did that. Gary said Richard has had sex with paper towel rolls so a dolphin can't be far behind.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Jason used to annoy him but he loved Back Office Radio. He said he would pick Benjy to be the most annoying.
Another caller said that Lisa G is the most annoying. He asked if they're ever going to have anymore tits and ass segments on the show. Gary said they actually do have one coming up. Will said they're calling it the Sybian Talent Show.
Ralph called in and talked about how annoying Benjy was on the show but Jason was also annoying in the first 15 minutes of the show. He said that he was upset he wasn't on the list too though.
Jon asked Ralph if he's happy about Radio City. Ralph said it's very cool. He said that Newark was better for him but Radio City is like the coolest thing ever. Gary said he doesn't give a shit about Radio City but it gives Howard an hour of his life back for travel. He said that's a good thing. Ronnie said Howard will be home in 5 minutes now. He said it's cool to him too. He said he's not dancing around like Lisa G is.
Gary said he went to Radio City as a kid. He said he saw the Rockettes but he was 8 years old so he didn't care. Ralph said he saw a Frank Sinatra puppet show there. He said it was really cool though. Gary said he saw a couple of concerts there and one of them was Prince. Ralph said he got thrown out of the MTV Music awards there when he stage dived. Jon said he saw them do Jeopardy there once. They went to break after that.
Gary said that they had a real conversation and that's what makes a great guest. He said he didn't think about what he was saying to Howard. Jon said Louis has done some ballsy things in his career. He said he has full control over his TV show because of that.
Gary said they tend to have a lot of people on the show who have beat the system. He said normally Howard would have yelled at someone for leaving Conan. It worked out for Louis though.
Gary said that Louis only kept about $200,000 of the million he made selling the stand-up special. He said that he gave the rest to the people who helped him out. He said Howard never got into that but he thinks he would have yelled at him for giving that money away. Gary also said that you'll never see Louis interviewed for 90 minutes without commercials.
Jon asked Scott about the drug stories Louis and Howard told. Scott said he wouldn't want to smoke with someone he was going to argue with. Gary said that was the point of the whole thing. They were talking about how you get along with people you don't usually get along with.
Will said he tried to do comedy a few times and it's a hard business to be in. He said it's kind of depressing when you're not Louis C.K.. He said you look at Dave Attell who is a great stand up and he's pretty broke. Scott said Will is angry like a comedian. Will said that it's a hard thing to do with the hours he works anyway. He said he thinks he could do it if he put more effort into it.
Jon asked Ronnie if he's ever thought about doing it. Ronnie said no thanks to that. He said he just doesn't want to do it. He said that's not his thing. He said he never claimed to be a comedian so why would he try it.
Gary asked Jon if he did that in his improv group. Jon said he only did improv and it wasn't stand-up. He said that they played theaters and things like that. Jon said they did stuff that's all planned out. Jon said he was in a comedy troop for a year and he lived out of a van. Scott didn't believe that. Jon said he swears he did. He said they worked 2 or 3 shows a week and then they'd drive to the next gig.
Will asked how he sold himself doing that. Jon said there were 8 of them and they had some success. He said it wasn't that hard to do. Steve asked what the name of the group was. Jon said it was called Just Kidding. Scott asked if anyone out there has tape of it to please put it on the internet.
Jon said he gave it up when he decided to get married. He said they were doing sketches like they do on SNL. He said he was playing Zeus in one sketch. Scott laughed at that. Jon said that's too much about himself.
Jon said that audiences want to laugh. He said if you screw up then you're done. Will said that open mic nights are really tough. He said his hat is off to anyone who does it.
Gary said he was talking to Louis about the show and he has been listening for years so there was some mutual respect between the two of them. Jon asked about the writing Louis did for Conan and Letterman. Gary said that he had a great analogy for writing for Letterman with the rock being thrown at the mountain thing.
Jon said the other thing Howard was talking about was the money he's getting paid for his TV show on FX. Louis was fine with it as long as they leave his show alone. Jon said that's having a lot of faith in your talent when you let the guy do what he wants and just let him hand over the tapes. Gary said he really doesn't seem to care about money. Jon said he cares about the creative process and what he does with his material. Jon said he gained a lot more respect for Louis C.K. today. The guys had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:30am.
Various Stuff. 4/4/01. 6:05am
Howard recently told Robin that he was going to paint something similar to a Jackson Pollack painting so she could try and tell which one was his. She had been saying that Pollack's paintings ''move'' her. Howard had someone show 6 paintings to Robin so she could guess which was Howard's. She wasn't able to figure out which was Howard's but she did pick out a phony. Howard knew she wouldn't be able to pick it out. He said all Pollack did was spray paint garbage on a canvas. Robin said she picked out the 2 that she recognized as being Pollack's. Howard said he painted the thing in 7 minutes.
Robin argued that she knew the ones that moved her and not Pollack's earlier crap. Howard kept trying to get her to pick out the pictures that didn't move her and she wouldn't do it. Robin was getting very emotional and loud with Howard. He was trying to prove a point with this whole thing but it wasn't happening. Robin finally broke down and picked number 6 as Howard's. It was actually number 3 which Fred had guessed. Howard said the painting was called ''Help''. Robin was still sounded very upset over the whole thing for no reason. Robin eventually told Howard that his painting did look like early Jackson Pollack.
A listener called in and offered Howard $1000 for the painting but Howard didn't want to give it up. Howard told the guy he was going to do a new painting that he'd give him for free. He said he's going to pleasure himself on a black canvas and he'll let the guy have it free. The guy didn't want to take him up on the offer.
Robin said she never could pick out Howard's painting. She said she just let Howard do his thing after he claimed he could paint something that would move her. She told Howard to just let her be moved by something and leave it at that. Howard said ''I won!'' to Robin a few times to quiet her down. She really didn't care though. The two of them argued about Pollack and whether or not he was talented. Robin said that Howard has to crap on everything that she likes. When she said that she liked Gregory Hines, Howard went in a bathroom and tap danced to show that anyone could do it. Now he's done this with Jackson Pollack. Howard said tomorrow he'll take a crap and it'll look like a Monet. Robin went silent for a minute. She then said that she wanted to crap on Stuttering John because he was just standing there laughing like a fool.
After taking a break Howard said that the Pollack stuff won't be on any of his TV shows. The E! people told him that they don't have rights to the paintings so they can't show them on TV. Howard wondered why that is and why people can take stuff out of his book and put it on TV like they did on MSNBC. That led to Howard talking about the MSNBC special that was done about him recently. He just watched it and it bummed him out. He said he doesn't know why shows like that bum him out but this one sure did.
Howard watched some of the David Copperfield special that was on last night and he was amazed. He said it was incredible. He described some of the tricks that Copperfield did and tried to figure out how he did them. A guy called in and said he knew how he levitated the couch. The guy explained that it's done with compressed air like an air hockey table turned upside down. Howard eventually told him he was nuts and hung up on him.
Howard was also amazed when David cut himself in half and held the bottom part of his body. Howard then described Copperfield and some kid he reunited with his father. Howard said that Copperfield and this kid vanished from the stage they were on and appeared in Hawaii all of a sudden. Robin told him he was watching tape and it was just an illusion. Howard said you have to see it though. Howard ended up hanging up on every caller that tried to explain the tricks. One guy said they used blue screens to fake the tricks and Howard hung up on him. A magician called in and said that Copperfield gets help from other magicians. He also said he buys a lot of his tricks. Howard didn't care about all of that, he said that the guy is just an amazing illusionist.
Michelle 'Axes' ''Are My Breasts Too Big?'' 4/4/00. 9:00am
27 year old teacher ''Michelle'' (not her real name) came in to ask Howard if her new breast implants are too big for her. She was wearing a mask when she came in because she doesn't want her school to know that she's on Howard's show showing off her huge cans. Howard said she has a nice body but doesn't know about the face because of the mask. She had the implants done at Dr. Calabro's place last summer and she just wanted Howard's opinion on whether or not they're too big for her. Howard said they were a little big but they looked nice. She said she's happy with them but wanted a second opinion. She went on to say that she ''..axed for a C but got a D(cup)''. That ''axed'' was the start of a major discussion. Howard told her it's ''ask'' not ''axe'' and she said that she knew she'd do that because she was nervous. Howard went on and told her that her breasts were a little far apart on her chest but said they looked pretty natural. Howard was about ready to end the segment but KC came in and ''axed'' Howard if he wanted to play Turkish Millionaire with her. Howard thought it was a good idea and offered her $1000 if she could answer 3 questions correctly. Remember, she's a teacher..
Chris Rock Visits. 04/04/11. 7:20am
After the break Howard came right back and had Chris Rock come in. He said he only had a couple of minutes with him. Howard asked what was up with the beard. He's doing a play so he had the beard going. Chris noticed that George was in the Artie chair. He said he loves how Howard is so comfortable fucking Jackie over. He said he will sit anyone in there other than Jackie.
Howard asked Chris if the beard is driving him crazy. Chris said it kind of is. Howard said he's in the play ''The Motherfucker With the Hat.''
Chris talked about seeing Howard at the Apollo when Paul McCartney did his concert there. Howard said that he was back stage and saw him ask Paul to sign something for his daughter. He said he had never asked anyone for an autograph before. Chris said Howard was announcing it before he did it. He said he's never seen Howard more full of himself than that night. Chris said he was proud to be Howard Stern that night. He said he was out amongst the people and there was rock star royalty everywhere. He said Beth was looking like the baddest bitch in the place and Howard was feelin' it. He said that it was him and Stiller and other stars and Howard said he couldn't sit yet until the lights went down. He said he had that attitude and that led to his embarrassment.
Howard said Chris is right. He said that he really was feeling good that night until he fucked up and asked for the autograph. He said Paul reminded him who he was and he went right back into that shell he was almost out of.
Howard said Chris is the greatest stand-up he's ever seen. He said he's better than Richard Pryor was. Chris didn't agree with him on that but Howard insisted that he's better than Pryor. Chris told Howard he's better than Imus too. Howard thanked him for that.
Howard said he appreciates the stuff he said about him in GQ or Esquire. Howard said Chris talked about how he tried to explain to his wife that Howard does a 4 hour show every day and he can't be funny 100 percent of the time.
Howard said he was reading about Charlie Sheen doing these shows in front of a live audience. Howard said he predicted that it wouldn't go well. Chris said he loves Charlie Sheen. Howard asked how many years he put in before he could do a show like that. Chris said it had to be like 15 years. He said he started around 19. Howard asked what gave him the confidence to do that. Chris said he couldn't do anything else. He wanted to be a writer but didn't know how to get into that. He said he worked as a bus boy at a Red Lobster back then. He said that he had bad teeth so he couldn't be a waiter. He said his teeth cost him like $17,000.
Howard said it's arrogant of Charlie Sheen thinking that he could do a show in front of a live audience like that. Howard said he's out of his mind. Chris said that he felt sorry for him. Howard asked why he didn't just hire a guy to write him an act. Chris said it's not that simple. Howard said Chris has said that he can change one syllable of a word and it can change the joke. Chris said that a breath can make a joke funny or not. It's every word that you have to craft.
Chris said Charlie Sheen is a very talented guy. He said that you can't sustain a career like that just based on popularity. He said this whole thing reminds him of Ted Danson doing the Friar's Club Roast. He said he was stuck in a TV studio for years and he is a funny guy but not when it comes to doing that. Howard said he could never go on stage and talk for an hour. He said Chris spent years and years doing it before he got it right.
Chris said they should have done a show like Howard's E! show where they edit it down to like an hour a week. He said he would pay $20 to order that shit up.
Howard asked Chris if he's doing this play so he can be home. Chris said he does like being home to do it. He said he's in the play until June. George said he would like to see the play but he's not going to be back until July. He's all booked up this week so he can't go see it this week. Chris talked about how good George was looking for a 74 year old.
Chris told Howard he hasn't done stand-up in about 3 or 4 years now. Howard asked if he's turned down some big money for that. Chris said it's nothing like the money Howard has turned down. Howard asked how he does his club dates and doesn't get evaluated. Chris said it's tough. He said he can call up YouTube and ask them to take down stuff that people put up. Chris said that Howard could do a show in a club but it might not be all that polished. Chris said that he can go into a club and fuck up in front of a few people. He said that he works on his stuff in small clubs for like 90 days and then he'll work it at a club like the Stress Factory and work it for a little longer.
Howard asked Chris about how he writes. Chris said he'll write stuff on his phone or his iPad. He said he loves his iPad. He said he's on that thing all the time. Howard asked why he doesn't have an iPhone. Chris said he likes to have a real phone and not a toy like the iPhone. He said that he doesn't want to die when some guys are about to beat him up and his phone is playing Ja Rule.
Howard asked Chris if his wife ever asks him to go out and make a living when he's home all the time. Chris said that the Rolling Stones aren't out there working all the time. He said that he wants to make it special.
Howard asked Chris where this book is where he writes stuff down. Chris said he has a couple at his office and at home. He said he has scraps of paper and stuff in there. He wouldn't call it a journal. He said if you found it you'd think he couldn't read.
Howard asked Chris what he had written in his Blackberry. Chris looked up some stuff and told Howard he wrote down something and it wasn't that funny. He said it's just thoughts. He said he was thinking that the day Obama was elected it was a great day for white people but not black people. He explained what that was about and Howard told him to leave that out of the act. Chris said it took the burden off the white man to elect the guy. Howard said that was funny and he should use that. Chris worked on it some more and it was kind of working. He said he hasn't worked it out yet though.
Chris told Howard about the Chris Brown situation and said that he doesn't know Rihanna so he's not sure why he's judging this guy. He said he has two daughters of his own and one is an angel and if she told him that a guy hit her he'd put a bullet in the guy's head and put a finger print on the bullet to make the cops know that it was his. He said he might even jerk off on the bullet to put his DNA on it. He said his other daughter isn't so nice. He said if she came home and told him a guy hit her, he'd ask her ''what happened'' before he shot the guy. Chris also said he has a lot of women in his life and when they don't get something they want, they all sound alike.
Howard gave Chris a plug for this play he's in. Chris said that it's like the Honeymooners with drugs. He told Howard about the people who are in the play with him and how hot the women are. Howard asked how long it took him to remember his lines. Chris said it took like a month of rehearsals. He said he figured that they'd have teleprompters eventually. That never happened. Chris said he almost pulled a Jeremy Piven and pulled out of the thing.
Howard said he didn't know what he was doing in the beginning of shooting his movie. He said he learned while he was on the job. Chris said he wondered what the fuck he was doing there at first. He said he will do stand-up again eventually.
Howard asked Chris if he'll be angry if he gets bad reviews. Chris said the audience is digging it so it won't bother him. He said his stand-up has never gotten good reviews. He said as long as the audience is liking it then that's cool. Howard said he knows what that's like. He said that he doesn't get good reviews either. Chris said that only someone who lives an artist can judge that person.
Howard said his brother is doing stand up now. Chris said he has two brothers doing comedy now. Howard said he heard that one of his brothers was doing comedy with Eddie Murphy's brother and they didn't get along. Chris said he really doesn't get involved in that. He said he's supportive of his brother Tony. He said Tony has always been better at doing things. He said he always had girls and he could play every sport and he's got an amazing personality and a great smile. Howard said he knows his mother was dabbling with show business too. Chris said it was like someone said to his family ''Hey, they're hiring down there at show business...'' and they all came down to apply.
Chris said he just doesn't want to ever do Dancing with the Stars. He said he doesn't want to have to be judged by Donald Trump. He said it would be nice if his family got regular jobs and he could have something to fall back on. He said maybe he can get this fucking Artie job there or something like that.
Howard asked Chris if he ever worries about his voice. Chris said he's a little worried but he's okay. He said he leaves there and goes to do Regis and Good Morning America and some other shows. Then he has to go do the play today. He said today is just one of those days.
Chris asked if they're going to get Charlie Sheen at one of his shows. He said years ago they would have sent someone down there to get him. Howard said Charlie did call in so they didn't have to go anywhere.
Howard said Chris was getting called out of there so he had to wrap up. Howard told Chris how much he likes him and how great he thinks he is. Chris said Howard is great too.
Howard took a call from a woman who had seen Chris in the play and thought it was hysterical. She said that the play was very good. She said she met him outside the theater. Chris remembered her because she had told him that she had a nice round ass. Howard gave Chris some more plugs for the show and said you can get tickets at Telecharge.com. They went to break after that.
Rabbi Gottfried calls in. 4-4-96. To celebrate the Jewish holiday Howard had ''Rabbi Gottfried'' on the phone. The ''Rabbi'' was the one and only Gilbert Gottfried. Rabbi Gottfried sang a Jewish prayer for about 2 minutes without interruption! Rabbi Gottfried explained the holiday and how it's all a scam. He says the Jews came up with it just to get a day off of work. The Rabbi stayed on for a little while but Howard got tired of it and hung up.
Pat O'Brien Clips And More Pope Discussions. 04/04/05. 8:00am
After the commercials Howard read an article about how news networks have been renting apartments near the Pope's place in preparation for the Pope's death. Artie said that he finds it hard to believe that someone with so much power never got laid. Howard and the guys talked about how a woman can't even become Pope and they don't even get a vote in the whole thing. Howard said it's got to piss some Catholic women off. Gary was saying that there's not much chance of an American ever becoming Pope. He was also saying that they're looking for a Pope who will only live for about 10 years so they can try to find a new successor. Howard said all of these guys who are higher ups in the church all seem kind of creepy to him. Howard thinks that a black Pope isn't that out of the question at this point. Howard said it would be funny if they put a Mexican guy in that position. He'd love to have a ''Pope Juan Pablo.'' Artie said that when he was down in Dallas he was watching some news about how the Pope was the only Pope to have ever visited the state. They showed some video of the guy sweating his ass off in his robes as he was blessing some people.
Howard said he's upset that the Pope news knocked Pat O'Brien out of the news. Artie said that they're talking about Pat going back to The Insider eventually. Robin said she doesn't get why it's a big deal because he's just reporting on Brad and Jen type stories. That led to Howard replaying the audio clips of Pat's alleged voice mail messages to a woman he was seeing. Howard was trying to figure out some stuff that Pat was saying in the clip. He wondered how this woman was supposed to respond to Pat with the wink that he was asking for. Gary said that Vinnie Favale tried to explain it to him the other day and he heard that it was a woman that was out at a bar with him but had gone home early or something like that. Artie said that he'd like to see the chick that he left the message for. Howard said she's probably not even that hot. He played a song parody they made using those audio clips and the delay was hit at least one time while he played the song. Howard said that he would never have left messages like that on anyone's voice mail when he was dating. He wouldn't even send e-mails because he'd be afraid of something like this happening. He played a second song parody they created with the Pat O'Brien clips. They also got Gary the Retard to remake the voice mail messages so Howard played that.
Howard brought up actor Tom Sizemore and played some audio clips of an interview he did on Dateline recently where he talked about the problems he's had. Sizemore claims that he never hit Heidi Fleiss like she claimed. Sizemore walked off the set of the interview at one point because he was so upset about the whole interview. He went back and finished up the interview and talked about how bad things have been for him.
Howard got back to the Pat O'Brien voice mail clips and goofed on them for a couple more minutes. He and Artie were creating their own voice mail messages but the delay button was hit multiple times. Gary came in and said that he got a call from Pat's publicist who asked when they were going to stop playing this stuff. Artie said that they're never going to stop playing this stuff and Gary should tell the publicist that. Gary said that he tried to explain that everyone is playing the clips but the publicist said that when Howard plays them, everyone is listening. Howard kept going with the goofing and kept making up more of his own voice mail messages where he was talking about doing all kinds of weird stuff that had Artie laughing pretty hard.
Ralph Cirella called in and said that he likes Pat now that he's heard these tapes so he'd tune in to watch the guy now. He seems to think the publicist should be thanking Howard for playing the clips instead of asking them to stop. Gary said he had a picture of the woman that Pat was calling. Howard saw the picture and said she was pretty cute. He also read a note from an anonymous woman who claims that Pat used to hit on her like that as well. The woman said she asked Pat what his wife would think about that and that made him stop bothering her for 2 months.
Howard pointed out that Hugh Hefner is almost as old as the Pope was and he looks a lot younger. The guys were talking about how having all of those chicks must keep the guy young.
In the clip Robin read the story about the Kennedy rape allegations and Howard immediately went into his Ted Kennedy impression. He was talking about how wrong it is to rape. They played some audio from a news cast about the rape allegations. Howard kept doing his Ted impression and had him talking to Joan Kennedy. Robin continued on with the story and had Howard playing audio clips. Howard and Robin discussed the story but Howard would go back into his impression and talk to Robin as Kennedy.
Robin and Howard were talking about how it took this woman 10 hours to report the rape. Robin asked Ted why it took so long for him to report the Chappaquiddick incident. Robin and Ted spent a few minutes talking about this case and what was going on with that. They talked about some other Kennedy problems. Ted was saying that any woman who steps on the Kennedy compound is fair game.
Robin read more of the news story and Howard stopped with the impression for a minute. He said they have to give the kid a chance. He said the press is treating him like he's guilty already.
Does Eric The Actor Ever Laugh? 04/04/05. 7:30am
Howard said that Eric the Actor Midget was hired to try and save the TV show ''American Dreams.'' The show aired last week but it got horrible ratings. It got a 4.9 rating while ''Lost'' got a 12.0. Howard wondered if this means the end of Eric's acting career. Eric hopes it isn't. No one on the show watched that episode of ''American Dreams.'' Both Howard and Robin watched ''Lost.'' Howard said he wasn't sure if he liked that episode though. Robin said she thought it was great.
Howard is thinking of having a contest where they try to make Eric laugh since he doesn't seem to laugh much. Eric said there are things that he does laugh at like sitcoms and stuff. He said Howard makes him laugh once in a while but he didn't laugh at the George Takei prank call they'd just played. Howard said that he'd give anyone who could make Eric laugh a $500 prize. Richard Christy came in a minute later and said he'd give it a try. He asked Eric ''What's the difference between High Pitch Eric and a whale?... A whale doesn't stink.'' Eric kind of chuckled but it wasn't much of a laugh. Richie from E! came in and tried next. Richie asked Eric ''What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?... The wheelchair.'' That didn't work, Eric didn't think that was funny either. Howard told Eric he still believes in him as an actor and he wishes him luck with his career. Artie told Eric that he needs to work on a fake laugh so he can amuse the producers out in Hollywood. Eric didn't want to do it though.
Bong Hit Eric tried to make Eric laugh. He told a really lame joke that didn't make anyone laugh. Artie told him to take a hit off his bong, maybe that would help. Bong Hit took a hit and coughed a bit since he'd just gotten up a short time before. Eric the Actor wasn't laughing. Another guy called in and asked Eric ''What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?... You don't, you already told her twice.'' Eric didn't laugh. Zolar called in and tried to make him laugh by saying he ran over High Pitch Eric but that didn't work. Howard let a few other callers through to try and make him laugh but no one was successful. There was a delay hit at one point because someone cursed when they called in. Joey Boots called in and said that he would give Eric half of his $500 if he just laughed. That didn't even work so Howard hung up on Joey. High Pitch Eric tried calling in and telling a story about Richard Christy crying in the back of his car over the weekend because he was driving without a license. Richard told one more joke that finally worked. He said ''High Pitch is so fat that he has to go to Sea World to get baptized.'' Eric let out a laugh that got Richard a $500 prize. Howard had to take another break after that.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 9:05am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:35am.