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Howard started the show talking about Twitter and how he doesn't like the anonymity. He said the fire department just busted a fucknut who was a lieutenant who was an EMS worker that was trying to become a fire department guy. He said he was tweeting under the name Racist Lieutenant and they found out who he was and busted him. He said now he's crying like a little bitch to the NY Post. Howard said he might have to hire them to track down some of the fuckers who are always bashing him. He said he gets motivated to do that shit sometimes. He said you'd be surprised how you can fuck up someone's life and they have no idea you're doing it.
Howard said these guys are hiding in some basement doing this. He said when he has something to say he says it on the radio. He said it's not impossible to find out who someone is and have everything go wrong for those people.
Robin said there was a report on the news about how people are found out and they have everything turned upside down. Howard said that's like those people who have political bumper stickers and they end up getting tracked down at their house.
Robin said The Amazing Race had to issue an apology for something. Howard said it was one of our helicopters that was shot down there during the war and they were using it as a prop. He said some of the vets here weren't feeling that. Robin said they probably didn't realize we even had a war with Viet Nam. Howard said they're not even evil, they're just stupid. Howard said they were going to do a camp out at Auschwitz.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said the reason Tiger Woods is doing good is the power of pussy. Howard said he's right. Robin said that's something Jeff has never discovered. Howard said he's tried. Robin said he's seen it work but he can't get close to it. Howard said Tiger isn't into black chicks at all. He only likes blondes. Howard said it must be the power of white pussy. Jeff said that must be it. He laughed. Howard thought he was throwing up. Howard asked Jeff how he's feeling. Jeff said he's doing good and feeling much better. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said he did a photo shoot out there too. He said he's not sure where they use the pictures though. He said they only used one last year. Howard said the one they did use last year looked really weird. He said the photographer they used this year was very good. He said they have to consult him on the pictures they use so he will get to see them before they do. Howard said they never show up anywhere though.
Howard said he's so cranky. He said he's just a cranky person. He said he got home on Friday morning and slept the whole time. He said he was exhausted. He said he might have a medical condition. Robin said she thinks it's all in his mind.
Howard said he gets out there and judges and he's just a son of a bitch. He said he hates the nonsense and the douchy stuff that these people do. He said you end up feeling bad for some of the kids. He said they had a Mariachi band flowing him around and he felt he had to dance around. He said Howie heard he didn't like Mariachi bands so Howie made them follow him around. He said it's all a bunch of shit.
Howard said the bits they dream up for you don't end up making it into the show. He said they must be high thinking they will make it. Howard said he's serious about trying to find real talent. Howard said he just wants to tell people they're not good. He said they just suck. Robin said she gets video tapes of people who think their kids are talented. Howard said they should send them to AGT instead. Robin said she has to tell them to not even bother because they'll just be embarrassed.
Howard said he likes being a judge but the other bits they do he doesn't care about. He said that's why he gets cranky. Howard said he could have been getting ready to judge but they wasted a half hour doing that. Howard said they lied to him saying they needed him and that's what happens. He said they told him Howie was going to follow him around with the Mariachi band. He said he's not sure what to do while that is going on.
Howard said he ended up covering his ears to make it seem like he didn't like the music. He said they told him not to dance to the music when he started dancing.
Howard told Robin some of the things that were going on in this Splash show. Howard said he kind of liked when Louie Anderson showed his weird bathing suit. Howard said he's like 475 pounds. Howard said he's jumping into the pool fully dressed. He said he should be in a Speedo. Howard said the best part was when he couldn't get out of the pool. He said it's really kind of weird how the whole thing worked.
Howard said he can't dive worth shit. He said he wouldn't want to hurt himself for some diving show. Howard said they couldn't get Louie out of the pool so they had to have Greg Lougainis go under him and push him up. Howard said they should only have fat people diving. He said they could have Louie and Aretha Franklin and people like that. Robin said they could get Gabby Sidibe. Howard said they could have Oprah and Bruce Vilanch too. Howard played some audio from Splash and said he should pitch the fat people Splash thing.
Howard said he was asked about taking over the Tonight Show and he told the reporter he was taking over Jimmy Fallon's show and The Tonight Show. He said that whole situation is crazy. He said that Jay gets no respect and he couldn't be happier but it's odd to him that NBC is trying to push the number one late night guy out. Howard said Jay is calling the network execs ''snakes'' but he wasn't doing that when they pushed Conan out.
Howard said he was talking to Jimmy Kimmel about the Leno thing and he thinks that they're doing this because of Jimmy. Howard said Jimmy is happy with the whole shake up thing.
Howard said they'll have to ask James why everyone hates Anne Hathaway now. Robin said they're blaming James for the Academy Awards debacle. Howard said you have to lay back when they team you up with someone like that. Howard said he'll speak to him about that.
Howard asked if anyone went to see that new Gerard Butler movie. Robin said it's very much like Die Hard but with the President. Howard said he loved it. Robin said it was great. Howard said it made $30 million at the box office. Robin said women aren't interested that much in that kind of movie. Howard said it was good though.
Howard said he watched a lot of TV this week. He said he liked Green Arrow because they brought back The Huntress. He said it was a good episode. Robin said she's gotten into it lately. She wasn't so sure about it at first.
Robin said they have a new Beauty and the Beast kind of show. Howard said he's too buys for that. Howard said he liked Friday Night Lights. He said he watched all 5 seasons. Howard said they have it on iTunes and it's worth checking out. Howard said if you're looking to kill some time just check that out. Howard said he always has time to kill.
Robin said The Walking Dead is so good. Howard said he doesn't want it spoiled for him. Robin said he has to see last night's episode.
Howard said he has some stuff to play. He said he can't figure out why they're screwing Jay Leno over again over at NBC. He said he's not sure how the guy can do his job while they're building Jimmy Fallon a new studio.
Howard had a clip of a guy at a meeting calling a black guy ''boy'' and everyone is upset about it. Howard said the guy wasn't being racist if you hear the clip. He played that clip and said he's really not being a racist.
Howard said he has a clip where a weather guy fell for the name ''Hugh Janus'' live on the air. The guy fell for it but the other reporter had to point it out to him. The guys were cracking up after figuring it out. Robin thought that was great. Howard said it was pretty funny. Howard said if they had said Ben Dover they would have had a stroke.
Howard said that Christian Right is so nutty. He had a clip of a guy talking about that show ''The Bible'' that's on the History channel. Howard said they're saying that the guy who plays the devil looks like Obama and this guy is talking about how true that seems to be. Howard played that clip and the guy was talking about how viewers thought Satan looked like Barack Obama. He said he thinks that god guided the hands of the make up artist to make him look like Obama.
Howard said he can't believe the way people think. He said that's such an insane thought. Howard said he was thinking about this Michelle Shocked chick who he thought was a liberal hippie chick. He said she's at some concert in San Francisco and she started talking about how god hates faggots. He said she's evidently off her fucking rocker. Howard had some audio of that crazy talk. In the clip she was rambling on and on about how it'll be time for Jesus to come back when priests have to marry gays. She asked the audience to tweet out that she just said ''God hates faggots.''
Howard said the audience laughed but then they begin to oppose her. Howard played more of the audio and someone told her that there is nothing to fear and there is nothing but love. Michelle said she is sick of Christians hiding behind the hypocrisy with the use of the cross. She eventually broke into song.
Robin said she just found out that she became a born again Christian in the mid 90s. Howard said it seems to be working at getting his attention. Robin said that's what hate tends to do. Howard said he has more of this concert to play. Robin said she would like to hear more. Howard played more of Michelle Shocked talking after finishing her song. The audience started yelling out at her and Michelle just stayed calm and told them that this is reality. They were saying that her reality is ''tweets.'' One woman said that most of the show was anti gay. Then they gave her the hook and kicked Michelle out.
Howard said it's weird when you have an audience and you turn on them. Howard said you want to bring them in but she kind of self destructed. Howard asked Fred to play some of her music. Howard said he wanted to hear what she sings. Howard said she looks like she's almost a guy. Robin said she might be one of those lesbians who took one of those cures. Fred played her music and Howard said she's like one of those hippie chicks. He said he's not sure what happened there. Howard said she even dresses like a dude.
Howard said he can't imagine being that filled with hate. Robin said she'd like to know what she was up to before 1990 that she needed god to straighten her out. Robin said they're usually hell raisers who need to find religion.
Howard played more audio of Michelle talking to the crowd about how they weren't going to pay her and she was asking for money. Robin got a laugh out of that.
Howard played a clip of Big Foot Jr. singing ''Creep'' by Radiohead. Howard said that's his artist. Robin said she was reading that at least 8 venues have canceled Michelle Shocked shows after this came out. Howard said they have to get her on the show. He said she might be a good guest. Howard said she is whacked out of her skull. Robin said she has apologized over this and said that they weren't her opinions but those of some Christians. Howard said it sounds like a breakdown in progress. He said we might all be idiots and she's brilliant. Robin said she was married and she has a half brother who is a musician. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and asked if Robin heard that clip. Robin didn't have her microphone on. Howard told her she has to have it on.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard how bad Gary and Jon Hein's TV show is. Howard said Gary was on Jimmy Fallon last week. He said Gary was the third guest on the show and they only spend about 20 minutes of the show with 3 guests. Gary said they had a band on too. Howard said Gary was on for like 3 minutes.
The caller said that Gary and Jon had the same shirt on in the last show. He said they both do the same thing on the show too.
Howard said Gary got so confused on Fallon's show he started to walk behind his desk. Howard said Gary said he was so confused he didn't know where to sit. He said he wasn't wearing a sports jacket and he's gotten very fat again. Howard said his belly was hanging over and he sat in a weird way. Robin said she thinks that he thinks the jacket makes him look heavy. Howard said the shirt makes him look heavy. Howard said he's not sure how he runs and stays so fat. Howard said it was very boring too. He said they have some clips of him up on HowardStern.com. He said he has some there too.
Howard said Gary talked about how he used to get guests for the show at NBC. He said he got on that subject of vinyl records again too. Howard played some of the audio of Jimmy Fallon talking to Gary about ''For What Its Worth.'' Howard said he's so sick of hearing about that. Gary was talking about how many albums he has and called them ''pieces of vinyl.'' Howard played a song parody that Sal did about Gary's vinyl collection. He had a bit about all of Gary's best moments on the show put on vinyl. They had the vinyl scratching sounds in the clips of Gary that were on the album.
Howard said he has to get back to the Fallon appearance. He played more of Gary talking about his vinyl collection. Howard said he's embarrassed by his own producer. He said he's not sure why Gary's gums are grey. He said he has a gummy smile and you can see how grey they are. Howard said he doesn't think he's healthy. The caller said he has to grow that moustache longer. Howard said he's right.
Howard said he's studied Gary's gums and they've always been grey. He said he should wear a veil. Robin said he needs to wear a doctor's mask when he goes on shows like that. Howard did his Gary voice covering up his mouth to show what that might sound like. The caller said he needs a birka.
Howard played more of the audio and Gary was talking about his first piece of vinyl which was Valerie by The Monkees. Fallon said his first was Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth.
Howard said this is fascinating. He played more of the audio and Fallon asked Questlove how many pieces of vinyl he has. He said he has about 70,000.
Howard said they showed Gary wit his jukebox. He played the audio of that discussion. Gary described how it works. Robin ended up cracking up as Howard was goofing on Gary about how he described it working.
Howard asked Rachel what she's up to these days. Rachel said she's doing some voice over work. She said she's going to do some stuff for a cartoon on Adult Swim. She said she gets work thanks to Howard's show.
Howard asked Jay if he's getting any work. Jay said he has zero work and Rachel has almost zero. Rachel went into her Tracey Millman impression and then Jay did his Andrew Dice Clay impression. Tracey and Dice were having a discussion and going back and forth.
Howard asked Tracey if she's into Dice. She said she wasn't and went off on him for being so fat. Dice kept going telling her about a chick sucking his dick and things like that.
Howard asked Tracey if she likes anyone. She said she likes Robin and hates everyone else. Jay did a Charlie Sheen impression too. Howard said Tracey is very angry today. He said she only likes Robin today. Howard said that's very odd.
Howard asked if Wendy the Retard was there too. Rachel did her Wendy the Retard impression so Howard asked her to explain gravity. Howard asked her questions like he does with the real Wendy and she was saying yes to everything he asked.
Howard asked Jay who else he does. He did a little bit of a Gilbert Gottfried impression. He did some of his Norm MacDonald too. Then Rachel did her Wanda Sykes impression. Jay did more of his Norm impression and had a discussion with Howard about AGT.
Rachel did her Rosie O'Donnell impression and said she wanted to be on AGT with him. Howard said he told them that she'd be a great judge on the show. Howard said he went to bat for her. He said they don't listen to him though. Jay did his Norm impression and said he thought Rosie was on that show Splash but Howard said that was actually Louie Anderson. Norm said he thought she had just changed her hair color.
Norm was also saying that they used to have that giant Rosie head with the jelly beans in it. Howard said that's old news and he's made up with Rosie.
Howard said he thinks these two are terrific. Howard said both of them are great. Jay said Rachel was talking about doing a Howard 101 show. Rachel said they were thinking they could work it into something. Jay did an impression of Gary that Howard didn't like. He said he likes the Dice impression. Jay did his Big Foot and Dice right after that.
Rachel did her Little Lupe impression and Jay did his Big Foot and had a discussion with her about his scabies. Rachel and Jay went back and forth has Lupe and Big Foot for a short time reenacting the prank call they did to the real Big Foot. Jay said this is so stupid. He said doing Big Foot is killing him.
Howard said Little Lupe gave up her porn career and she's a musician now. Rachel did her impression of her talking about that. Jay did his Al Pacino impression for Howard after that. He said Little Lupe has a ''GREAT ASS!''
Howard said he'd be into them doing a show together. Rachel said she'd like to do a news show doing celebrity voice impressions but she's afraid of getting sued because that's what an agent told her. Howard said they can do parody. He said they won't get sued. Jay said they can just put Junior after everyone's names.
Howard looked to see some of the other impressions Rachel does. She does a Whoopi Goldberg impression so Howard asked her some questions as Whoopi. Jay did more of his Dice impression and talked about how he tried to get on that show and these fucking cunts said he was a misogynistic guy. Rachel yelled at him as Debbie the Pet Lady. Jay kept doing his Dice impression and went off on Whoopi.
Howard said he's impressed with these two. He said they should have a show on Howard 101 together. Howard said they won't put it on the back burner either.
Rachel told Howard she's doing Andy Dick's podcast with him but she feels funny doing it with the history they have. Howard said she can do what she wants. He said that he's done with Andy though.
Rachel did more of her Debbie the Pet Lady impression yelling and crying. Howard said they did Wanda Sykes already. Rachel did more of that impression and talked about what it would be like having a lesbian pope. Jay did his Dice impression saying he wanted a show on Howard 101 called Dice's Joke Hunt. He told a couple of Jackie-like jokes.
Howard talked to Rachel as Underdog Lady again. He also talked to her as Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie told Howard she had a heart attack and she's doing a radio show now. She got the wife's name wrong though.
Jay said he does a Gary Busey impression. He did a little bit of that but Howard said he likes Dice. Jay said he was trying to bring some variety into that. Howard said the Charlie Sheen was pretty good. Jay did some more of that. Rachel did her Mariann from Brooklyn impression. She did that while Jay did more of his Norm impression.
Howard said he's going to work on a show for them. He said he's not sure if it would be scripted or not. Rachel said she likes the improv kind of stuff.
Howard talked to Rachel as Debbie the Pet Lady and then Cher. Howard had her do a Jodie Foster impression but when he said ''Jodie Foster is here...'' and then heard her impression he said ''...no she's not.'' Howard gave the guys some more plugs, wrapped up and went to break.
Howard said he flew down on a private jet and got a lot done. He said he flew down with Ralph and Toni. He said he enjoyed the show and doing the worked there. Then he gets home and he's annoyed.
Howard said Ralph sat with him on the plane. He said he's fine with that but he's so strange. Howard said he's so happy to be on that plane and he sets up like he's moving in. He said his shoes come off and he sets up two iPads. He said he had a yellow legal pad and that was making him insane. Howard said he watched and saw he didn't write on it once. He said Ralph told him that's in case he has ideas. He said in 3 and a half hours he didn't write on it once.
Howard said Ralph was watching The Walking Dead on his iPad. He said he finally fell asleep and he couldn't believe it. He said all of a sudden he heard a crumpling sound. Howard said he woke up and it was Ralph trying to open a bag of potato chips. He said everyone thinks he's a pain in the ass so he didn't say anything. Howard said Ralph had headphones on so he didn't know how loud he was being. He said he asked Toni if she heard that. She was woken up by it as well. Howard said she was sitting in the front of the plane. Howard said Ralph started laughing like De Niro in Cape Fear. Howard said he was yelling and laughing really loud. He said Toni jumped and he jumped too. Howard said he was asleep for the first time in his life and then Ralph wakes him up.
Howard said he heard Ralph asking for shaved ice and lemon. He said he could have made it 3 hours without that. Howard said it's always something with Ralph.
Howard said they had all kinds of food on the plane and the stewardess started to take the plates away because they were going to land. Howard said Ralph ran over and got more food as that was happening. He said he had 3 and a half hours to eat and he waits until 10 minutes before they're going to land. Howard said Ralph was eating like he was never going to have another meal. Robin said he always has to go back. Howard said he was obsessed with him.
Howard said he had a picture of the spread of food on the plane. Robin saw it and asked how many people were on that plane. Howard said that was actually the first flight they took and they had less food this time. Howard said they really treat him well. He said it's no wonder they can't pay Leno.
Howard said he knows Heidi and Mel B were on Howie's plane. Howard said they all came out from Los Angeles. He said he had fun with all of them. Howard said he's excited for the show to air. He said he really just stays in his room while everyone else is going out and having a good time. Howard said he hears about Howie running and staying up to all hours of the night. Howard said Howie swears he only sleeps like an hour a day. Howard said he must be having a nervous breakdown. Robin said he's not Steve Jobs doing comedy. She said he just blows up a glove. Howard said that's not fair. Robin said she loves Howie.
Howard said Valerie Harper has a brighter future than Jay. Robin said that's a hard one. Howard said he thinks so. Robin said she read that Mary Tyler Moore was trying to save her life. Howard asked what she was doing. Robin said she must have super powers. Howard said miracles can happen. Robin said they do. She said you have to keep the faith.
Howard said he's glad Jay Leno came back to the Tonight Show after the Conan thing. Howard said this will be way more humiliating. Howard said he's happy about that. Howard said Jay takes pay cuts and they still hate him.
Robin asked if Jay is going back into prime time. Howard said he doesn't know. He said they hired Charlie Rosie not worrying about younger viewers but with Jay they're getting rid of him because he's old. Howard said they don't know that Jimmy Fallon is going to get good ratings. Howard said he likes Jimmy because he's a friend. Howard said you never hear anything about Carson Daly though. He said he feels really bad for that guy.
Howard said he was reading about Tiger Woods dating Lindsay Vonn. Howard said he heard Tiger wants to have more kids with her. Howard said he doesn't get that. Robin said some of these guys want to have kids with anyone. Howard said he's wondering when he'll cheat on her. Robin said he might be cheating now.
Howard said he read about the new pope having lunch with the old pope. Howard said it would be great if they fell in love and started dating. He wondered if they have a bracket for hottest altar boy.
Howard said he was going to ask Robin about some hot guy brackets. Howard said he will do that later in the show. Howard asked Robin if she read about Amanda Bynes tweeting out about how she wanted Drake to murder her vagina. Robin said ''Okay...'' Howard said that's how his parents met. Howard asked what that even means ''murder my vagina.'' Robin said she must want rough sex. Howard said he thought he murdered a vagina once but it turns out she was just on her period.
Howard asked why you go to Drake. He said she should go to Chris Brown if she wants her vagina murdered. Howard said that's a really odd expression too. Howard said he once drunk drove a girl's asshole. He said he did a drive by on an asshole. Howard said James Franco is there so he has to take a break and talk to him. He said he's done some good movies. He said he liked Milk. Robin said he doesn't live in Los Angeles. Howard said he's going to Yale. Howard said he knows the guy from Weezer was going there too. He said that must be weird.
Howard came back and said that James Franco is there and he has a new movie out called Spring Breakers. Howard said everyone is telling him that he's never been on the show. James said that's right. Howard said he thought that he was on. Howard asked how he's doing. James said he's good.
Howard asked if he lives in New York. James said he has a small place there but he lives all over. He said he lives in L.A. mostly. James told Howard that he grew up in Palo Alto, California. He said he went to UCLA to study acting. Howard asked if he was thrown out of his house because of that. James said he was interested in art, acting and literature. He said his father went to Stamford and Harvard and he wanted him to be a mathematician. He said he was going to study English at UCLA but when he got there he saw that everyone was into theater. He said he thought he could only do one. He said he dropped out of school and went to acting school.
Howard asked about James' dad and if he was good in math in high school. James said his dad pushed him in high school to be good at math. Howard asked if he got an 800 in math. James said it was close but it was in the 700s. Howard asked if he acted in high school. James said he did at the end. He said he was shy and if you don't do it regularly then it can be hard to break that ice. He said he loves film and he'd go to see plays all the time. He said it was a scary thing.
James said he had a girlfriend in the drama department. She was asked to do a one act play that was like a romantic thing. He said he was pissed that this guy was going to kiss his girlfriend because he had written it that way and asked her to be in it. James aid he was being a little immature so he wanted to show her revenge. He said it worked out really well because he got leads in the last two plays of the year.
Howard asked James if he got a lot of chicks in high school. James said he did okay. He said he tried out for sports and didn't do all that well. He said he had a girlfriend named Jasmine for two years. Howard asked if he friends her on Facebook. James said he doesn't do Facebook actually. He said he is in touch with her though. Howard said she must want him. James said she was very friendly with his mom and she's like a family friend.
Howard asked what James' dad said to him when he went to study acting. James said he tested so well he didn't have to take any math classes in UCLA. He said he never had to take another math class again. James said he wasn't thinking he needed a career to make money. He just wanted to do what he loved. Robin asked if he grew up wealthy. James said they were in Palo Alto which is one of the best cities in the country. He said they weren't at the top though.
Howard asked James what he's working on in college now. James said he dropped out and went to acting school and his parents said they weren't going to support him. He said he worked at McDonald's for a while. He said that was very interesting. He said he worked the drive thru. He said there are a few jobs there at the drive thru. He said he took it seriously too. James said he used to work at a golf course and he would read books while driving the cart around.
Howard asked if he still has his McDonald's outfit. James said he wishes he did. Howard said they should have him do commercials for the company. He said they could get a lot of famous people to do that. James said he's pretty sure that Eddie Murphy did too.
Howard said James left UCLA and worked at McDonald's. He asked if he felt that was a bad move. James said he does remember a phone call with his dad where he told him to look at what he's doing. Howard asked if he had a big drama there because of that. James said he was only there for 2-3 months. He said he got his first acting job with a Pizza Hut commercial that ran during the Super Bowl. He said he made some good money doing that. He said he never had to get another job again after that. Howard said commercials pay pretty well.
Robin asked if his dad told him he was wrong and James was right. James said that pressure was relieved eventually.
Howard asked James what they had in the regents test. James didn't know what that was. Howard said it was a math test and he aced the algebra. James said he went back to UCLA and had to take a few classes to make up. Howard asked when that happened. James said he had been on a couple of shows and in the commercial. He said he was on Pacific Blue for a few episodes. He said Mario Lopez was on that show too. He said he knew him from the boxing gym he was working out at. James said he did a horrible boxing movie a few years ago.
Howard said he loved the movie ''Your Highness.'' He said he and Jimmy Kimmel both love it. Howard said it's hysterical. James told Howard how that movie came about. He said Danny McBride and his buddy came up with it in a game they would play. Howard said he giggled the whole time but the movie got trashed. James said there were some tricky things about it. He said it went well with Monty Python but since they it hasn't really worked.
Howard asked James if he went to see the movie and thought it was a turkey. James said he thought it was okay. He said that came at a weird moment. Howard asked if he had just done Milk and got the Oscar. James said that he wasn't nominated for that. He said he did get nominated for 127 Hours. He didn't win that either. Howard said he was good in 127 Hours. He asked if he would ever climb rocks like that. James said he doesn't really do that much athletic stuff. Howard said he doesn't either. He said that's why he has cellulite in his ass.
Robin asked James if he worries about his looks. James said he does the minimal amount he can. He said he spends about 15 minutes a day doing sit-ups and things.
Howard asked James what his big break was. He asked if it was Freaks and Geeks. James said it was. He said he had done another show with one of the guys from The Goonies. He said he was doing The Profiler and he worked on the sides with him on Freaks and Geeks. He said he went in and meat Judd Apatow and Paul Feig who created the show. Howard said you have to get to know all of the good writers and stuff. Howard asked if he has to audition anymore. James said he really doesn't. He said he knows Judd and you don't have to shmooze with him. He said he gives everyone a chance.
James said he thought this would happen all the time with shows. He said they had great actors on that show Freaks and Geeks. He said Seth Rogen has done really well. He said they have another movie coming out this year. He said they did really well with Pineapple Express. James said the movie was like a cult classic immediately.
Howard asked James if he checks the box office all the time. James said yes and no. He said early on in his career he had done a few movies that he wished he hadn't done. He said he did them because there's a point in your career where you take what you can get. He said you just want work. He said then if you're fortunate you get some success and get some choices. He said he didn't know that as an artist he should do the things he believes in. James said he thought he had to build a career and listened to advice that was in the direction of career building. Howard asked what movies he chose. James said he did a couple like Annapolis and Fly Boys. He said they had elements that made them seem like they could be good.
James said Sean Penn gave him advice early on, before Milk, and it was like a dream. He said Sean saw him in the movie about James Dean. Howard said he read that he started smoking for that movie and he smoked like 2 packs a day. James said he didn't talk to his family for 3 months either. He said he was a young, extreme actor and that's what he thought he had to do.
Howard asked if he stayed in character in Spring Breakers too. James said he plays a character named Alien and it might be his favorite character ever. He said the guy is complicated. He said he isn't just a bad drug dealer. Howard said he heard he rapes Selena Gomez in the movie. James said that's not true. He said he has sex with two girls in the movie. He said he has a threesome with Vanessa and Ashley's characters. Howard said he was boned up the whole time in his movie. James asked Howard who the crew were and if he knew them. Howard said he didn't know anyone. He said he can't control that thing. James said he must be comfortable then. Howard said he was just in character.
Howard asked James if he got hard at all in the scene. James said you do lose yourself and go for it but you're not really having sex. He said he was kissing like you would. Howard said that's why they call it ''action.''
Howard asked if he really didn't get boned up in the pool. James said he's sure that Howard asks everyone about that. He said it's a different thing when you're doing it in a movie like that. He said it's not porn. Howard asked if he did a sex tape when he was young. James said he did make a home sex tape when he was younger. Howard asked where it is. James said it was after Freaks and Geeks. He said he shouldn't say who it was with though. He said she is an actress who is married now. James said it wasn't anything bad so he'll say who it was. James said he dated Marla Sokoloff for a couple of years. He said that's who he made the tape with.
Howard asked if James ever watches his own movies. James said he really doesn't. He said he will sometimes use previous work he's done for a different kind of performance. He said he'll go back and watch for something he's doing where he's playing the same character but that's about it.
Howard asked James if he wanted to be Spider-Man. James said he knows Howard talked about this on the show years ago. He said he was asked to do the movie by Sam Raimi. He said he auditioned for the part. He said he was asked to do the screen test and it was really extravagant. He said it was a big honor to do it. He said they spent like 20 grand to do the screen test. Howard asked if they put him in the Spider-Man outfit. He said they didn't but he was dressed like Peter Parker. He said they kept him waiting for an answer for six weeks. He said his manager fired him because he was calling about the part every day for six weeks.
Howard said if he had gotten that part he would have been set for life. James said he knows that Howard talked about that audition. He said he heard that they were interested in Tobey and he didn't want to audition. Then he was shooting James Dean and he drove onto the lot and he drove past a car with Tobey getting out. He said he knew that he was getting the part at that moment. He got it soon after. James said that was upsetting. He said he thought he would have been good in the role.
James said he thinks Tobey was the best for the role. He said he did really well with that role. He said he played the nerd really well. Howard said he's a good guy.
James said Sam cam back to him and said he wanted to work with him. He asked him to play the best friend role. James said he actually told him he had to think about it. James said in hindsight he did the right thing saying yes. He said he had an offer for some cool little indie films and he wasn't sure how this was going to come out. James said he had to think about it. He said then he heard Howard and Robin talking about how he had to think about taking Spider-Man and they were like ''yeah, right.'' He said he really did have to think about it though.
Howard said sometimes you get stereotyped so it could have hurt his career. James said that Tobey was identified with that film so it could have hurt. He said that it worked out for Tobey though. He said he got Sea Biscuit and some other things. James said he wanted that movie too. Howard asked if Tobey is kind of moody. James said he's not moody. He said he's just extremely meticulous. He said he wants to talk about every single thing. James said that's what Sam Raimi likes to do too so it worked for them.
Howard said he did the Gary Shandling show once and Gary wanted to eat yogurt on the show but he had to ask the director if he thought it was a good idea. Howard said he just told them to eat the yogurt and stop talking about it because he had to get out of there.
Howard asked James who he's seeing now. James wasn't talking. Howard said he's a very busy boy. James said that his parents had a great marriage and they stayed together. He said he appreciates being with one person. He said he's had a few long term relationships.
Howard asked if he's dating Ashley Benson. Howard said that's what he heard. James asked Howard if that's his type. Howard said there are a lot that are his type. Howard asked if he's banging her. James said he's not. Howard said people fall in love on set all the time.
James said he had three gorgeous women on set with him. He said Selena Gomez was dating Justin Bieber at the time so she was off limits. He said one of the four girls was the director's girlfriend so she was off limits. Howard asked how old he is. James is 30. Howard asked if he would date an 18 year old. James said the cut off might be 20.
Robin said she read that Bradley Cooper is dating a 20 year old. James said he thought he was dating Zoe Saldana. Howard said they broke up shortly after he was on the show last.
Howard said he has to talk to James about Anne Hathaway. James said Howard has to take the lead on this. Howard said he thinks that Anne is a fabulous actress. He said he thinks people hate her and he's not sure why but he dislikes her too. James said he's sure she doesn't want him talking about this. Howard said she's always out of breath and seems like she's acting all the time. Howard said it's fun to sort of hate or dislike her. Howard said even though she's a great actress that's the way it seems. James said he's not an expert on the ''Hathahaters.'' He said that might be what triggers it though.
Howard asked why he would do the Academy Awards. James said he'll tell them the history of what happened. James said he knows he'll have to read about what he said about them today. Howard said he's the one bringing it up.
James said the Oscars were produced by Bruce Cohen who had produced Milk and American Beauty. He said he had done Milk with him and he asked him to do the show. James said he had done a small bit on the Oscars the previous year where they played their Pineapple Express characters. It was a big hit. He said that might be why Bruce asked him. James said he did ask him about doing another bit and they talked that way for months. Then he came to him and suggested hosting. He said he thought that was crazy. James said at that time 127 Hours was out and getting a lot of attention. He said that Colin Firth was getting a lot of attention too and they were saying that he might be an Oscar winner. James said that he didn't have a way to campaign to get the win. He said that you have already done the work so you can't really do that much to get it. James said he took the hosting gig because he was told that only 8 hosts have ever been nominated and only one of the 8 have won while hosting. He said he thought the percentages were bad for the host. He said he thought to himself that it would drive him crazy looking online to see how he's doing. James said if he hosted he'd be saying to himself that it wasn't his year and he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Howard said he would show up to every voter's house with gift baskets. Howard said he gets what James is saying though. He said he's taking the pressure off himself by taking that job.
James said he's adventurous. He said he went back to school and it was very weird being older than everyone in his class. He said he was known but not that well known. He said he didn't have rabid fans in his class. He said Pineapple Express wasn't out yet. Howard asked how hard it was it fight off the chicks. James said he went back for English because literature was still a big interest of his. He said he had been reading on his own and studying for a degree. He said he felt he was compensating for dropping out. He said it was like he was the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. He said he wished he had a brain. Howard said he wishes he could go back to school for photography or something. He said he has thought about that. Howard said he thinks it would be interesting.
James said he found when he went back he liked it. He said he got a bunch of degrees. Howard said he got one in Literature. James said he was dating someone at that time. He said her name is Ahna O'Reilly. He said she's been doing pretty well. He said he was with her for like 4-5 years. Robin asked why there was no marriage. James said he was considering it. Howard asked why he didn't. James said he got his bachelors in literature and art and found his new love. He said it was great and he was able to study something he loved.
Howard asked about the classes James is teaching. James said he teaches and loves doing that. He said he loves the academic environment. He said he went to UCLA and then went to Columbia, Brooklyn College, NYU and Warren Wilson College. Howard asked how he found the time for that. James said he made the time. He said he did fewer movies during those years. He said that his management was mad. He said he had to sell his house and things like that to support himself. James said he wanted to take those other things seriously. He said at one point he wasn't an actor. He said he wanted to do with his other career what he did with acting. He said writers usually have to support themselves with other jobs. He said that's how writers become teachers.
James said in the second year of film school you make a film. He said they show the films in a film marathon. He said his film got into Cannes. He said one teacher didn't like him. He said she was nice to him in class but when he had to show his films she became a different person. He said she ripped his movie apart for reasons that other people praised it. He said her comments were useless. Robin said she wanted to have sex with him. James said that might be it. He said she did brag about having sex with other people in class.
James said he had done a couple of these movies and he had to go to another festival and asked this teacher not to schedule his film during the time he had to go. He said that he didn't get to go to the marathon and share it with people. He said he ended up just taking that film to Cannes and gave them another film he had made outside of his department. He said it was called Film and the Body and he had people wearing scary wolf masks and talking about really dirty things. He said he had filmed someone taking a shit. He said it was inspired by someone named Kirk Kren. He said he has a film called September 30th that's also known as Pissing Shitting Eating. He said he was inspired by that and he had to put that in his film. James said it was a guy shitting. He said he wanted to put it into another film. Howard said he'd put that in every film.
James said he had two great actors in the movie. He said filming someone taking a shit isn't as easy as you'd think. He said he thought he was going to pout that in the Brooks Brothers film but he didn't do that. He said he did a shoot in Brooks Brothers and he had to have a stand in for the shitting guy. He said he got an old guy to double for Charles Dance. He said this older guy came in and he had a DP and a camera operator. They got him pissing and then they had the shit double. James said he said he was ready and they got the camera ready to shoot it. He said they were ready to go and he was pushing and pushing and couldn't shit. He said they were running out of time. He said they were doing the shoot at Brooks Brothers and they had to distract their reps.
James said he thought he could shit so he tried. He wasn't prepared either. He said they called it off. Then the guy called and said he felt bad so he would do anything for him. He said he came in and they did it in another location. He said they had to work up a box under him to it would match the location. He said the behind the scenes would be so amazing if he had saved it. He said he was joking with the guy. He said the guy ended up shitting the most innocuous rabbit shit. James said he tried to put it in another film but it didn't work. He said he saved it and put it in this school film.
James said that the films aren't made as family films. He said that you have to warn your family about what they're in for. He said he wasn't there for the marathon so he only heard about it second hand. He said people were shocked. He said that they thought he was just trying to be shocking and getting back and them.
Howard asked if he sued a teacher for giving him a D. James said he can't really talk about this because the guy keeps suing when it comes up. He said the guy knew he would get attention if he went to the NY Post with the story. He said he knew he was going to get a D in class because he was doing 127 Hours at the time. He said he told the guy that he couldn't pass on this opportunity and he couldn't be in class. He said the guy said he was going to give him a D and he was fine with it. James said he did the movie and he was asked what it felt like being nominated for an Oscar and as a total joke he said he got a D in acting class. He said he wasn't criticizing the guy or anything. He said it was a joke. He said the teacher even put it on his Facebook page. Then the guy wasn't brought back to the school and he made it seem like he got him fired. James said no one even knew what grade he really got in that class. James said the Dean of NYU didn't say get that guy out of here because he gave James Franco a D. He said he didn't care and no one at the school cared.
Howard said he has to talk more about the new movie and Anne Hathaway. Howard said this film, Spring Breakers, is a dark film. James said it really is dark. He said it's very smart though. He said it's one of the most innovative films out. He said film students are going to be inspired by this movie.
Howard asked about the girls in the movie and why he didn't bang any of them. James said that the girls were all dating other people. Howard said he read that Selena was scared of him because he was reading books the whole time. James said he's not sure why they thought that he was in character reading a book when his character has never read a book in his life. James said maybe she was scared because she had never done a film like this before.
Howard asked if he stayed in character the whole time on set. James said he gets why people do that. He said that he says go for it if that's going to help. He said if you're doing the character to get attention then it's not cool. He said if you do it for practice then it's good. James said he may have kept the accent with him off the set. He said he didn't keep his grill in the whole time. He said he had a southern gangster kind of accent. He said he said ''y'all'' a lot. Howard said you have to stay in character a lot to do that. James said he wasn't smoking blunts off set all the time. Howard asked if he smokes at all. James said that's all acting. He said he has the squinty eyes and all of that but he's not stoned.
Howard said Anne Hathaway is such a big personality that he clams up when he's around them. He said they don't give you a chance to say anything. Howard said if there's any truth to that. James said he gave that show his best. He said Anne was big. He said you have a straight man and a wild man. He said she was going for the big part and he instinctively didn't want to be another big person competing with her. He said he wanted to go to the straight man role. He said he might have gone too far and became the subdued man. James said it wasn't just the two of them either. He said they had a team of writers. Howard asked if he was upset with the writing. James said he was. He said he knew bits had been cut that were going to give the show life. He said he complained and fought for it but it didn't work. He said he was going to perform as Cher and sing some songs. He said they pulled the bit because the song wasn't nominated. He said he thought that they should have kept it in and so did Judd Apatow. James said they pulled it and he said if they did it, that's what people would be talking about. He said he's not sure whose call it was but they pulled it.
Howard asked if he's glad when the bash Seth Macfarlane. James said he thinks that Seth tried his best. He said he doesn't want the guy to be punished. He said they called Billy Crystal in to do the show and they bashed him too.
Howard said he wants James to come in and do the Cher bit with Anne Hathaway there. James said he and Anne have made up. He said it was a hard time after the Oscars. He said she wasn't mad at him. He said the critics were so nasty and it felt like it couldn't just be the night of the Oscars. He said he knew going in that it could go bad. He said he wasn't doing it to be the best host. He did it as an adventure. He said he was okay with it if it didn't work out. He didn't go into it wanting to be the best host ever. He said the press was so brutal though.
Howard said years ago he wanted to do the Fartman movie. He said he thought that he shouldn't do it and he didn't. He said he still thinks it would have been fun but who knows. James said the Oscars has an effect on him and it was psychosomatic. He said he got a hemorrhoid from it. He said he was supposed to have a party after the Oscars and he was so upset that he didn't want to do it. He said he just went to class at Harvard instead. He said he was still in his suit from the Oscars. He said everyone was surprised to see him. He said he spent a week in New Haven trying to recover from the whole thing. He said he had to nurse his hemorrhoid for that week. Howard said that makes sense to him.
Robin asked if he's working on some whacked out movie about porn. James said it's not silly. He said it's perceived as whacked out or silly but it's about bondage pornography and it's a documentary. Howard said they had the people from Kink.com in there. He said he didn't know he was making a film about that.
Howard asked when Spring Breakers is coming out. James said it came out this weekend and it did very well for that kind of movie.
Howard asked if he's single and how people can get in touch with him for sex. James said maybe they can call his manager. Howard said James turned down sex with Lindsay Lohan. James just said ''Poor Lindsay...'' He said they were friends. He said he met her through friends and there was a moment when he was staying at the Chateau Marmont and she had been living there for a couple of years. He said they were living in the same place and he go to know her there. Howard said he would have done her. James said she was having some troubles and he doesn't get involved with people who are in that situation.
Howard asked if he's dating anyone. James said he might be. He doesn't like to talk about that stuff. Howard said life must be great for him. James said he is getting older and he would like a long term relationship. Robin asked if he's got a nice house now and if he's got any money. James said that he spends it all on his own projects. Gary came in and said that he really has to get going. Howard said he has a million questions for him so he'd like him to come back. James said he has a new movie coming out with Seth Rogen this summer so maybe he'll come back. Howard said that would be great. He gave Seth some more plugs for the Spring Breakers movie. He said he has so many questions about Sean Penn and all of that.
James told Howard that Sean gave him advice about doing the movies he wants to do and just not look back no matter how good or bad they go. He said if you believe in what you're doing you don't let that stuff bother you. James said the problem is that he wasn't doing the movies he believed in early on.
Howard asked if it was weird making out with a dude in Milk. James said it was. He said he tongued the guy. Howard asked if that's why he gets the gay rumors. James said you get them either way. Howard asked if he had to rehearse that kissing. James said they shot that movie in San Francisco and that was amazing. He said Harvey Milk worked in a camera shop and they did the film in that actual building. He said they knew this big kiss scene was coming up. James said they were going to have to kiss for a minute or more. He said he and Sean were friends at that point and they made some jokes about it. He said Sean was like ''How 'bout them Raiders...''
James said they were on Castro Street and the whole community had come out to watch as they did their first kiss. He said they were kissing and that was fine. He said he was kind of feeling his beard and that was weird. He said after 30 seconds you psych yourself out and then you just can't deny what you're doing. He said he thought that he was kissing Spicoli. He wondered if he should stop or just push through. Howard asked if he got nauseous. James said it was just a new sensation. He said he thinks they did the kiss twice. Robin asked if he thought it was nice. James said no. He said what he learned is that it didn't give him wood. He said it was just kissing another person and it didn't do it for him. James said they knew it was something special.
Gary came in and said his people are getting upset. Howard had to let him go. He gave him another plug for his movie and said that the publicist has to take him away. James said he has to do Letterman tonight. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard said they have a couple of guys sitting in today. He said he has Ranjeet and Jason sitting in. Howard jokingly said that they were the producers of the Tonight Show and they were studying him for him taking over. They had actually donated money to a charity to get to sit in the studio.
Howard read about John Hamm and how he was told to wear underwear because his penis is so huge that during the taping of Mad Men his penis was visible. Howard said it was cursing a distraction. Robin asked why they haven't said that over the past 7 seasons. Howard said he saw a picture of him walking around with his penis showing. He said that's the picture that inspired him to do the phony picture of him with a big penis.
Robin said that picture had to have been tampered with. Howard said it hasn't. He said the other guys on the set must walk around mad so that's why they call it Mad Men. Howard said he wishes that was his story.
Howard said he saw a mug shot of Lindsay Lohan. He said she's not looking too good. Robin said you can't cover of the ravages forever.
Howard said Harry Reems died. He said he's the guy from Deep Throat. Robin said these porn stars are dying young. Howard said he interviewed Harry once. Robin laughed and said he thought they interviewed James Franco before.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the James Franco interview was long. He said he can't wait to hear it on the replay. He also asked if they ever let any regular listener come in and sit in during the show. Howard said they don't do it very often but they have done it. The caller said he thinks it would be a dream to be in there. Howard asked if the guys in there were in a dream. The guys said they were.
Howard took another call from a guy who said that Robin kept interrupting James Franco the whole time. He said that Robin was screaming during the interview. Robin said she didn't talk during the moment he was talking about. The caller said he loves Robin. Howard said he loves her too and that's why he's hanging up on this guy.
Howard talked to Ranjeet and Jason a little bit. One of the guys said that they wished they had a story about fucking Rock Hudson like that guy did last week. Howard asked what they do for a living. They said they're in finance. He said they're in the bond business.
Robin asked Ranjeet if he's in an arranged marriage. He said his parents wanted to do that but it didn't end up happening.
Robin started her news with a story about CBS apologizing about The Amazing Race using a downed plane in Viet Nam as a prop. Robin had the audio of their apology. Howard said that sounded like it was filled with sincerity.
Robin read a story about the new Pope celebrating Palm Sunday this weekend. Robin said that Easter is coming up next Sunday. Robin read about what was going on and had some audio of one of the Cardinals talking about what went on. Robin said this week is very holy with Passover going on. Howard read a live commercial a short time later.
Robin read a story about laws that could ban same sex marriage. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Howard said that this shouldn't even be a question anymore. Howard said we have so many super conservative people on the Supreme Court that could screw this whole thing up.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was at a Ringo All Star concert last year and he noticed one of the guys had a giant cock in his pants. He said he couldn't help but look. Howard said he doesn't usually look but he saw a guy's cock sticking out on that show Splash. Howard said this guy's whole cock was standing out. He wondered where the standards and practices guy was at ABC.
Howard said at the next AGT taping he's going to stick something in his pants. One of the guys sitting in told Howard he should put something in both sides. Howard said he might just do that. He said he has super tight pants that he could wear for that. He said he has some John Varvatos pants that would work. Howard said he might stick a dildo on his head. Howard said he put Howie Mandel down his pants and women still wouldn't notice. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the winner of the Powerball lottery. Robin said the ticket that won was purchased in New Jersey. The winner will get $221 million. There was only one winning ticket. Howard said he loves when people go in on a group and argue about the winnings the rest of their lives. Howard said you have to be a super loser to buy those tickets. Howard said Doug Goodstein always does that. Doug said they bought 40 and won 4. Howard said he used to spend his money on lottery tickets and his dad caught wind of it. He said his dad told him that was for losers. He spent a few minutes talking about that.
Howard read about how the Hollywood Reporter is going to be announcing their most powerful people in New York media and he's being honored. Howard said he can't make it to the party though. He said he's working on AGT that night. Howard said he loves what they've done with the Hollywood Reporter lately. Howard read about what's going on that night. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a guy who served 23 years in prison and they just overturned his conviction. Robin said he had a heart attack the day after it was overturned. Howard said he read that story. He said he'd love to have that guy on the show. He said he would go right to YouPorn if that was him. Robin said that's bad when you finally get out and then have a heart attack. Howard said he thought his sex drive would diminish at 59 but it hasn't. Howard said he's old. Robin said if he's healthy and well then he's going to keep going. Howard said he had sex with his wife in the morning and then jerked off that night. Howard said he found this Doctor/Patient porn and he loves it. Howard said he was beating off to Babysitter porn but he wondered about Doctor and Patient and there were like 50 videos. He told Robin about one he watched and the doctor is checking the girl out and has her get naked behind a screen. He said he just goes back and looks at her. Then she's naked and hot and he puts her in a chair and starts rubbing massage oil on her. Howard said that's as far as he got. It was over for him at that point. He said that's all it took. Howard said the guy had a bad porno moustache and that big metal thing that no one wears anymore. Robin said it's supposed to be a light.
Howard said people can stop emailing him about what an idiot he is for goofing on Gary about his vinyl obsession. Howard said one guy was going off on him about Bjork. Howard read that email and the guy said that he's into that gay pop and electro shit. Howard said he listens to it but he doesn't buy it. Howard read some email about Fred's audio drop special. People really liked that show. Howard said some people are upset with Benjy's girlfriend saying he looks like Bradley Cooper. Howard said people were upset with him not saying that Casey Anthony was guilty. Howard said he just said she was found innocent. Howard said he knows she was guilty. Howard said people liked hearing Gary's Shvoogie buzzer story again.
Robin got back to her news and had some audio of Mayor Bloomberg taking about the ban on assault weapons and what he thinks about that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he saw the new Iron Man trailer and he wondered if Howard will get one of those pieces of the suits. Howard said he's not friends with the new director. He got one from Jon Favreau. Howard said he doesn't know the new guy. The caller said he has to get in. He said the new helmets are awesome. Howard said the trailer is cool.
Robin read a story about the sequester and what's going on with that. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read about a college student who ended up in jail in Italy. Robin said they're considering retrying Amanda Knox over there because the evidence wasn't very strong against her. Robin had some audio of a lawyer talking about that. Howard said he's so glad he's not a lawyer because it's so much work to figure all of this out.
Robin read about Stevie Knicks doing one of Oprah's master classes. She talked about her battles with substance abuse with Oprah. Robin had a couple of clips of Stevie talking about some of that with Oprah.
Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:30am.
Jon ran down more of the subjects for today's show. He said it sounds like Ralph took over the whole plane and annoyed Howard on the flight to San Antonio. Gary said that he has flown with Ralph and he doesn't take over the whole plane but it seems like he might have taken it over this time.
Jon asked Gary about saying he had 4,000 ''pieces'' of vinyl. Gary said that's just what he picked up on today. Jon said he doesn't say ''pieces'' he just says albums. Gary said it's ridiculous to Howard but not to everyone.
Gary said he got up on Saturday morning and read every insult that could possibly be said about him. He said none of them were about him being fat. He said Howard thinks he's fat and no one who goes on Jimmy's show wears a jacket. He said Howard has been calling a lot of people fat lately. He said Howard obsesses over being fat and he might think that when he's fat everyone else is fat.
Gary said he kind of gets it with Howard. He said he used to be a fat guy and now he's thin. Gary said Howard was a little big when he met him. He said that the thing that traumatize's him is when someone called him ''fat ass'' when he was walking down the street. He had another person tell him to sit down fat ass and that got to him too.
Jon said Howard will say he's fat and he looks anything but. Gary said he's in good shape and he's going to be 60 next January. He said he looks great.
Gary said he was only on Fallon for 5 minutes and he had a great experience. He said they treat you like a king. He said he was there to talk about ''For What Its Worth'' and that's why he was talking about vinyl.
Gary asked Jon if he was mad that he didn't mention him on Fallon. Jon said he didn't care. Gary said he got a lot of that on Twitter.
Steve asked if Jon got to do anything fun. Jon said he got to see his daughter in Urine Town that night. Gary got to hang out with Kevin Bacon at Fallon's show. They had to take a break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks that Gary's obsession with vinyl is like a sports guy who obsesses over sports and could never make it. He said that Gary is like that with music and he thinks that's why he's into the vinyl so much. Gary said he is in the music business and he gets to work with bands all the time. Gary said he doesn't know why Howard is so upset with it.
Jon said he wanted to get to James Franco. He said he was a great guest. Gary said he was in for over 90 minutes. He said they had over 8 pages of notes on him. He said he loved that he referred to the Bradley Cooper model. He said he didn't damage himself in any way and he made himself very interested to the audience. Jon said he told a great story about how he chooses projects too. He said he had interesting things to say about the Oscars and Anne Hathaway too. Gary said he loved him talking about how actors will take anything they can get and then there's that moment when you get to choose. He said it was very interesting to hear all of that.
Gary said James seems very regular guy to him. He said he's a smart guy who took a chance. He said now he's gone back to school and got his degrees.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he loves when Howard busts Gary's balls. Gary said he gets that on Twitter too. He said it weirds him out that it makes people happy when he's miserable. The caller said he thought the show was awesome today but he wishes Howard was on a little more.
The caller asked Gary if he thinks Billy west would ever come back to the show even for one day. He also asked if they've tried to get Neil Young on the show. Gary said they'd love to have Billy on the show. He said he's always welcome there but he hasn't come back for whatever reason. He said he tried very hard to get Neil Young on the show but he wasn't able to pull it off. He said he did get his manager on the phone and talked to him about it. He said it was 9:30 at night and he figured the manager figured he wouldn't pick up at that time of night.
Jon asked Gary about what he thought about James talking about why he took the job hosting the Oscars. Gary said he thought it was very interesting. They spent a minute on that.
Jon asked Gary why he thinks James continues to go to school. Gary said he'd like to go back to school and do something stupid. Jon said he thought it was funny when he told the story about the manager getting upset with him calling about the Spider-Man job and turning him away. They had to take another break a short time later.
Jon took a call from Ralph who made some noise like he was opening a bag of chips on the plane. Ralph said he did feel bad for Howard. He said he had headphones on and he had no idea the chip bag was making so much noise. He said he hates that himself. He said they had a really long day that day and Howard was able to get some sleep.
Ralph said he wasn't really sleeping in front of the food in that photo too. He said that was from their last trip too. He said he's not sure how that surfaced.
Jon asked Ralph if he had a whole plan on the flight. Gary said it's weird to get on the plane and not sit near him. Ralph said there are only so many seats that face forward too. He said Howard loves when he sits next to him except when he wakes him up. He said the thing he did wrong was have fun in front of Howard.
Jon asked what Ralph's set up was there on the plane. Ralph said he had two iPads set up. He was watching The Walking Dead on one and checking email on another. He said they had Wi-Fi on the flight. He said he had a yellow pad out for writing down ideas and he never wrote anything on it. Gary asked why he would do that when he has two iPads there. Ralph said he's prepared for anything. Ralph said it's so great to fly on those planes. He said they have great food on the flight.
Jon asked Ralph what the move is to sit next to Howard. Ralph said if Beth or Don aren't there then he'll sit there. He said he usually sits somewhere else. He said it all depends on how many people are there.
Gary said he thinks that he would sit across from Howard if he was on that flight. He said there are four sets so there's one next to him and two across from him. Ralph said you put your stuff up across from him. Howard puts his feet up on the seat across from him.
Jon thanked Ralph for the call and took another call. The caller said he doesn't get why Howard got upset with Gary calling the vinyl ''pieces'' because there are a bunch of different types of vinyl he has. He has 78s and 45s mixed together so they're ''pieces.''
Jon moved on to talk about Rachel Butera and Jay Tesoro. Jon said that Rachel has a bunch of voices she does. Gary said Jay has 3 that are killer and he tries to break out new ones and Howard asks to hear Dice. Gary said Jay wanted to break out the Gary impression but Sour Shoes already does the great one. He said he's the pinnacle of the Gary impressions so Jay is up against that. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:15am.
Howard started the show saying good morning to everyone in the studio and everyone listening. Howard said he was reading the newspaper this morning and reading about the guy who won the $338 million in the lottery. Howard said he was reading about the guy and he shouldn't have been playing the lottery. He said that's the last thing he should have been doing. Robin said according to Howard he never should have become anything. Howard said he can become whatever he wants but he has 5 kids and he lives in New Jersey. He said he's not sure what town it was but he should get the hell out of there.
Howard read about how the guy had about 10 liens against him and he was buying lottery tickets every day. Howard said the town was Passaic, New Jersey. Howard said the whole family is celebrating now. He said the guy is an immigrant and he's claimed the prize. Howard read the article about the guy and they were talking about how he has been struggling with debt for years. Howard said when you struggle with debt you don't buy lottery tickets. Howard said this guy was thanking god for winning. Howard said god didn't tell him to have 5 kids, did he?
Robin said this guy had a problem before this. She said with just one child he'd be in debt. Howard read more of the article and they said he opened up his own bodega. Robin asked how he did that. Howard said he doesn't know. The guy's 23 year old son runs it. Howard said the guy doesn't sell the tickets in his own store so he'd buy them at this liquor store. Howard said officials said he hasn't decided how to spend the money yet. He said he's going to help his family and the community. Howard said he sees that money going out the window quick. Robin said he's the kind of guy who should take the long term payout.
Howard read about how the guy found out he won and how excited the family was. Howard read about the family and the extended family that will probably get money out of this.
Howard said he had 10 liens valued at over 25,000. Howard said he's happy for the guy but then you read about how they're buying lottery tickets on top of the other problems they have. Robin said you can't tax those people so you start a lottery and get the money from them that way.
Howard said Gary said that he has pieces of vinyl when he was on Jimmy Fallon's show. Howard said Gary got on the Wrap Up Show and said he was being mean to him about that appearance. Howard said he had a shirt on that made him look fat. He said Gary is heavy. Gary said Howard says he doesn't care about his appearance but then he spends time talking about how bad he looks.
Howard said Ronnie is busy in Jamaica doing his block party and Gary is on Jimmy Fallon so he has to keep an eye on them. He said he doesn't care about these things but he has to watch. He said he knows the audience is going to say something about it. Howard said he has to watch some stuff because it's part of Pop Culture. Howard said he has to comment on it. Howard said Gary is a good conversationalist but he had a wrinkled shirt and he looked slovenly. Gary said he looked average. Howard said he looked heavy. Gary said he didn't wear a jacket and he thought he looked normal.
Howard said he thought Gary's conversation was very good. He said he had some good stories he told with Jimmy. He said Gary was talking about his pieces of vinyl and he thought he was losing the audience after that. He said even Jimmy Fallon checked out. Gary asked what he's talking about. Howard said that's what he felt. Howard said Gary looked slovenly. Gary said that's his opinion.
Robin asked how Howard was mean to him. Gary asked her if she thinks that he gave him a good review. Robin laughed and said it was a good review. Howard said he was talking about pieces of vinyl and no one cares. He said he should call them records and not ''pieces'' of vinyl. Howard said Questlove said he had 70,000 pieces of vinyl when Gary asked about it. Howard said that guy never has anything to say.
Howard said Gary looks great today. He said that's what he should have worn on Fallon. Howard said the audience was asking him about it on Twitter so that's why he commented on it. He said he's not looking to get on him. Gary laughed. Howard said he only said 3 things negative. He said the positive was that story he told about getting guests at NBC. He said he told that story well. He said Gary screwed up not knowing how to walk to the couch. He said he looked slovenly and told the boring story about the vinyl. Howard said that's not overwhelmingly negative. Gary said Howard is a funny man. Howard said he could improve on his clothing choices. He said he doesn't see it as overwhelmingly negative.
Howard said Gary going on Jimmy Kimmel and throwing that baseball was being overwhelmingly negative. He said he laid off of Gary about that. He said he thinks Gary will start calling records ''records'' eventually. Gary said this is a ridiculous thing. Howard played a Baba Booey song parody so Gary couldn't even speak. Gary said he wasn't able to hear Robin speaking when she asked a question over the song. Fred said the song was by Psych.
Robin asked Gary if he had a positive experience on the show. Gary said it was positive. Howard asked Gary how many pieces of clothing he has. He said that whole ''pieces'' thing was ridiculous. He said no one calls them pieces of vinyl. Gary said that is not an unheard of expression. He said if Howard hasn't heard it then no one has ever said it. Howard said he has never heard anyone refer to it like that. Howard asked Gary when he started doing that. Gary said it was probably years ago. Howard asked when he heard the term. Gary said he doesn't have an answer for that. Howard said somewhere along the line Gary heard it. Gary said he did but he doesn't know when. He said people called the Wrap Up Show and said they have heard the term too. They played another Baba Booey song parody by Little Mikey over Gary.
Howard said he really wasn't goofing on him this morning. He said he really wanted to know where the ''pieces of vinyl'' expression came from. Fred said he's never heard the term either. He said that he it could be pieces of vinyl flooring he's talking about. He said it sounds pretentious to him. Gary said he'll take that from Fred.
Howard asked what his favorite piece of vinyl is. Gary said it's 50 Ways to Rank Your Mother. Howard said he's just being sarcastic now. Gary asked if he really is. He said he's just telling him what his favorite is.
Gary asked if that's the only line he got out of the Fallon appearance. Howard said that's not it. Howard asked if he refers to his teeth as ''Pieces of ivory.'' Howard congratulated him on the appearance. He said it was funny how he couldn't find his chair.
Howard said Gary didn't look so good on the show. He said he never called him a piece of shit. He said he just said he looked heavy to him in that shirt. Gary said he was trying to make the point that he got on twitter the next day and of the many critiques he got none of them were about his weight. Howard said he won't listen to anybody. Robin said maybe they'll have to have this analyzed. She said Howard is trying to help. Gary thanked her for that.
Howard said Gary is used to being next to Jon Hein who is the size of an elephant. Fred said Gary is like Bradley Cooper. Gary said he's of average weight. Howard said he looks overweight in that shirt. Howard laughed when he saw a picture of Jon Hein's shirt. Gary said they went to a place where it was 104 degrees inside and no air conditioning. Howard said no one is looking out for those two. Howard said they must not have had time to change shirts.
Howard said the boys went out and asked people on the street if Jon and Gary had faces for TV. Howard has played that clip before. The people were saying they had no business being on TV. One guy called Jon an ugly motherfucker.
Howard said they should have edited that shot of Jon's sweaty shirt out of the show. Howard said he heard Jon was upset he wasn't invited to Fallon. Gary said he was bummed. Gary said they do the show together so he understands. Howard said Jon is a superstar. Howard asked if it caused a rift between them. Gary said he called Jon before going and he thought it was best for the show. Howard said Jon isn't an asshole.
Howard said Jon has to lose weight. He said Jon doesn't care when he tells him that. He said he just agrees. Howard said he has to lose a couple of pounds himself. He said he's harder on himself than Gary would ever be. Howard said that shirt made Gary look heavy. He said he's not the only person who said it.
Howard said he is a little loose and he has to tighten up. Gary said he thinks Howard looks good. Howard said he has to show him his belly and he'll see. Gary said Howard doesn't take well to someone saying something about him when the media has a comment about him. Howard said that's because it's usually not true.
Howard said he's hoping that Gary's show is canceled. He said he doesn't need him doing other shows. He needs a producer there working. Howard said any time he's working on that show he's not working there. Gary said they shot on vacation and on weekends. Howard said he would rather have a full time producer who spends time with his family on his vacation and weekends. Gary said that's what Howard wants. He said he would like to do what he wants on his own time. Howard said he can do that. He said he didn't tell him not to do the show. He said he would just prefer that he not do it. He said if he wants to work he should be working on this show. Howard asked if that's too much to say. Gary said no. Howard said Gary walks out of there so defeated.
Ronnie came in and said they had the block party from Thursday to Sunday. He said Stephanie went down with a bunch of other people and they were doing the shows while he wasn't there. He said this was his promoter's idea. Howard asked when the block party is over. Ronnie said they're booked through December. Howard said he's done with this. Howard said they don't need to be doing this. Ronnie said he's just hosting with JD. Howard said he doesn't want his name associated with the show. Ronnie said it's not. Howard said he knows, it's the Ronnie Mund Block Party.
Howard said there's a reason he doesn't put these kind of shows together himself. He said he doesn't want his name associated with it. Ronnie said he's done by the end of the year then. Howard said he gave Ronnie a job there and he still has to go out and do this. He said he has a side freak show on the side. He said the show is the thing, not the Ronnie block party. Howard said JD didn't get any sleep on Sunday night because of this. Ronnie asked how he didn't get any sleep. Howard said he thinks he went straight to work from the block party. He said he needs people bright and bushy for work. Ronnie said he was ready.
Howard played some audio of Stephanie reading a poem up on stage. Ronnie said people loved it and they had a blast. Howard said that's because they're hanging out with people from the Howard Stern radio show. Howard said he doesn't want to be responsible for this. Howard said he wants nothing to do with the show. Ronnie said he doesn't get it. Howard said the people who work under Ronnie could go out and start their own shows and then it reflects on Ronnie. Howard said he doesn't want anything to do with this. He said he doesn't want to hear about the Ronnie Block Party. He said it's crazy.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks. Robin said she doesn't know how this all started and she's not sure how it became that big. Howard said Shuli has stand-up and he always did. Ronnie said he was always with a group of people. Howard said that all fell apart and then they latched on to this block party thing. Ronnie said it was Scott the Engineer's idea.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said they have to stop the block party. Ronnie said they should stop his shit show because no one listens to that. Ronnie said it's done and he's over. King asked why he doesn't just sit home. He said he doesn't have to be involved with this. Ronnie told him to mind his own business. Ronnie said King is a friggin weirdo. Gary said King asked to be on the block party. Ronnie said he heard he begged to be on the block party. King said he never begged for anything. Ronnie said he begged his daddy for money. Howard let him go and got back to the tape. Ronnie said he had to go let the guests in.
Howard played the audio of Stephanie reading a poem and she fucked up a line so she had to start over. Howard said she has the same kind of cursing that Ronnie has. She was reading this poem about Ronnie and kept fucking up lines. Howard said he's suddenly missing Ronnie's poem ''Winter.''
Howard said maybe he should stop all of the promotion. He said that they do so much promotion for the block party, Lisa's book and Gary's TV show. Howard said he's suddenly not angry at Benjy. He said he's suddenly the model employee.
Howard said he blames himself. He said he never says no to anyone. Howard said Letterman's people never do anything like this. He said they can't even get to Dave to ask. Howard said everyone around there has access to him there and he says yes to them. He said he can't say no. Howard said Shuli going out and doing stand-up on his own is fine but the whole promotion thing has to stop. He said he's going to stop it all. He said it's just too much. Howard said no one does this to David Letterman. He said he needs a Rob Burnett kind of guy to say no to people.
Gary said Rob is off doing TV shows and movies. Howard said he knows but he's not on Letterman promoting it. He said Dave doesn't have him on as a guest either. Howard said Dave didn't even show up at the premiere. Howard said Dave didn't like it.
Howard said his airwaves are cluttered with projects. Robin said it's always been that way. Howard said he'd changing it today. He said he shouldn't have to make the rule though. He said Gary should be cleaning all of this shit up. He said that's the producer's job. Howard said he has a new project for everyone and it's called The Howard Stern Show.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Gary sounds pretentious and he doesn't call his CD collection ''600 pieces of plastic.'' He said he has 496 individual files on his iPod. The guy asked Robin to come back to the studio too. Howard said she will as soon as she can.
Howard said he has so much to talk about today. He said he has to talk about pieces of vinyl instead. Robin said that the whole pieces of vinyl is so pretentious. Gary said if they want to get pretentious then maybe they should get Vegucated. Robin just laughed.
Howard said they have a guy coming in who was a gay porn star and he's no longer gay. Robin said she wants to hear that one. Howard said Omarosa stopping by today too. He said her name in a way Robin didn't think was correct so she told Howard how to say it. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that's a great song. He said that Joseph Sciambra is there. He's the gay porn star who isn't gay anymore.
Howard asked Joseph how many gay films he was in. Joseph said he was in at least a dozen. Howard said his story is fascinating. Howard said a lot of people want to know about this. Howard said he isn't claiming he's not gay anymore but he's not acting on it. Joseph said that word has been forced on so many of us. He said that he got religious. Howard said he read his story and he went into such a dark world and did so many weird things. He said that he figured he should just stay away from everything. Howard asked what's wrong with just finding someone who is gay and have a nice relationship. Joseph said he found it hard to do that. He said he doesn't think that exists. Joseph said the gay world would like us to see this in a certain way but it's not like that. He said there is a gay sector that's like the Martha Stewart sector and that sector is very small.
Howard said he has a cousin who is gay and he has a partner who is very nice and they've been in a long relationship and have a fabulous life together. Howard said it's just as normal as any heterosexual marriage. Joseph said he's found that to be the minority. He said he thinks that most of the gay world is being sold to kids.
Joseph said that when you have sex as a gay man you're going back to your childhood and trying to find something. He said it's not just two guys instead of a guy and a gal. He said there's a lot more to it. Robin said there's a lot of weird stuff with heterosexuals as well. Joseph said that it's been getting worse though. Robin said it's always been there.
Howard asked when he last had gay sex. Joseph said it was 1999. He said he swore off gay sex. Howard said that's when he found religion and god. Howard said Joseph didn't think it was god like. Joseph said he did a really hard core scene doing water sports and getting beat up. He said he was raped and drinking urine in the scene. Howard asked if he had a funnel put in his mouth and was drinking it that way. Joseph said he didn't do that at that time.
Howard said Joseph had his first trauma at the age of 9. He said an older girl exposed herself to him at that age. Howard said he had a similar thing at that age and it didn't traumatize him. Joseph said he had other things going on and it was enough to excite him. He said he saw a nude magazine and he had flashbacks to all of that. Howard asked if that's what he attributed that to. Joseph said he did. He said he had an attraction to women as a child. Howard said he thinks that people are born gay.
Joseph said that the devil entered his life through porn. Howard said he said he only looked at female porn and he became bored with it. Howard said he has never become bored with female porn. Howard said he only gets more into it the older he gets. Howard said he beat off to it the other day. Howard said a heterosexual man never gets sick of looking at it.
Joseph said that they did a study about porn and they found that men are much more likely to approve of gay marriage. Howard said that's a good thing. Howard said that gay marriage is good for this country. Joseph said he saw it in the 90s with gays in the military. He said they like to whip up these things in the government.
Howard asked Joseph about when he stared looking at gay porn. Joseph said his brother had penthouse and magazines like that so he saw men in that. He said he wondered what it would be like to be with men and that got him excited. He said he must have been bi-sexual. Joseph said that a lot of men in the gay porn world are like that. He said he had sex with women and it was good. He said he likes the gay sex more though. Howard said he's clearly gay. He said he's an effeminate guy. He said there is no shame in that. Joseph said that he rebukes that word ''gay.'' He said that any kid who has an attraction to a man is called gay. Howard said it is a form of sexuality and it's not a sin. Joseph said it's something that can be worked on. Howard and Robin asked why fight it? Joseph said he has spoken out against homosexuality and men have come to him saying they're not happy in the gay lifestyle. He said there is an option and you don't have to be gay.
Howard said Joseph is a gay man who is denying himself gay sex. Howard said he is a religious man and he's saying he doesn't want to partake in the gay sex life. He's going to be celibate. Howard said he is sitting there denying himself sex and it has to be driving him insane. Joseph said he has never been happier. Howard said that's good then.
Joseph said he had a lot of fame and he partied a lot when he was in porn. Joseph told Howard that when he was doing porn the worst part was making sure he could have anal by purging. He said he had hemorrhoids and fissures and bleeding down there too. He said he was mostly a ''top'' but he did take it in the ass. Joseph said he went through years of constant bleeding and being anemic. Howard said he could be in a relationship where he just blows the other guy. Howard said that's what George Takei and his husband Brad do.
Joseph said he has relationships with men who are attracted to other men but they're just friends. He said they hang out and go to church together.
Howard said Joseph thinks that he had the devil enter him through anal sex. Joseph said he had an exorcism for that. He said he got the devil out. He said he was speaking in tongues and he remembers the devil leaving his body. He hasn't had gay sex since then. Howard said ''Wow.'' Joseph said he was given the strength to not give into his lusts.
Howard asked Joseph how he decided to get into gay pornography. Joseph said when he was 18 he was confused about himself sexually. He said he was in San Francisco going to gay bath houses. He said he loved doing that and he'd go twice a week. He said he'd have at least two in each session. He said he would top each of them. He said things are bad these days because kids are growing up post-AIDS scare era so they're going in without protection.
Howard asked Joseph where he was raped. Joseph said he wasn't so much raped. He said he had a gay lover who brought him in and initiated him. He said it was gentle at first. He said he bottomed for him for the first time. He said that he didn't want to get AIDS. He said the guy asked if he would do a gang bang and let his friends do him. He said he agreed to do it and it was with 9 guys. Joseph said that he did it because he thought that if the guy loved him he would do anything for him. He said he started passing him on as he got older.
Howard asked Joseph if he has HIV. Joseph said he does not. He said God kept him here for a reason. He said he did have Chlamydia and he got it in the throat. He said he would do anal with his tongue and things like that. He said that he would do just about anything. He said he did a lot of ecstasy at that time too.
Howard asked if he had a weird taste in his mouth. Joseph said he didn't really. He said he had anal sex and he had blood coming out and he really didn't feel anything. Robin said she doesn't understand that. Joseph said it was after the sex that he felt the pain. He said you don't feel the pain while the 9 guys are doing you. Joseph said he had rough sex and got punched so he was unconscious for a time.
Howard said he thinks that this was so hard core that he doesn't like the gay thing because of that. Joseph said he met a lot of couples who weren't so monogamous.
Howard read about some of the things Joseph did an how he had sex in a port-a-potty and peed on a guy who asked him to do that. Joseph said this was at the Fulsom street fair. He said that he's not sure if they have cleaned it up since then. Gary said that they have not cleaned it up. Gary said they sent Wolfie there and guys were walking around with their dicks out.
Howard asked Joseph if he has shot a load in the past 8 years. Joseph said he has nocturnally but he doesn't masturbate. Joseph said he misses his friends from that world. He said that gay people are not the worst things on earth but people think they are. He said Jesus loves them too. He said he thinks that Jesus loves them even more than straight people.
Howard said Joseph did a Nazi fetish porn. Joseph said he was actually a neo-Nazi. Howard asked how that worked. Joseph said there is a sub sect that has a Nazi fetish. He said that he had a hard time with the wanting to kill Jews thing. He said the gay world and the Nazi world have a lot of similarities. He said they like the sweaty hard core guys. He said they have a lot of hatred for the people who oppose them too.
Howard asked what his gay name was. Joseph said he went by Joey. He said he wanted to be the next Joey Stefano. He said he was nothing like him though. He said he was grade Z porn. He said he was doing scat video and things like that. Howard asked if he got shit on. Joseph said he was the one shitting. He said these guys would rub the shit on their bodies. Joseph said that his clients at that time were high end. He said he got paid for sex. He said he'd get at least $200 to do that. The 200 was per hour.
Howard asked Joseph if his parents were upset about this. Joseph said they didn't know what he was doing. Howard asked what he's doing now. Joseph said he sells bibles and he has his own store. He said the only lover he has now is Jesus. He said that Jesus gives him the love and the masculinity he needs. Howard said he must miss having human contact. Joseph said he doesn't.
Robin asked if Joseph is watching The Bible series. Joseph said he has watched some of it. He said he thinks it's good for people who are just getting into the bible.
Howard asked Joseph what his message is. Joseph said that it's hard to find happiness in that life. Howard said maybe Joseph is just unable to. Howard said he knows people who are happy. He said he could introduce him to some of those people. Joseph said he would like to sit down and talk to them. Howard said he thinks they're more happy than most heterosexual couples. Howard said they're just gay and they accept it and they're happy. Joseph asked if it's an illusion. Robin said it's not anymore than a hetero couple.
Joseph said he had a female girlfriend and they went out to the Sierra Nevada once. He said they were out in the forest and he thought she was kind of loose. He said she didn't want to have sex in the woods. He said that wasn't like that in the gay community. He said that they'll do it anywhere. Joseph said that women aren't like that. Howard said Joseph could be like the woman and not do that kind of stuff. He said he could just go with a guy who really loves him. Joseph said he doesn't believe that it's possible. He said there is a fantasy to have something like that but it doesn't really exist. Joseph said he looked for it and he found that it's extremely rare. He said he's not against the gay community and he's very much for them. He said that he doesn't want to down them since they have been downed so much already.
Howard said he thinks that sex for Joseph is just too confusing. He said abstinence is probably best for him. Joseph said he thinks it is for other gay men too. He said there is something that is just not working there. He said a man should go to a woman.
Howard asked what Joseph is plugging today. Joseph said his book is called ''Swallowed by Satan: How Our Lord Jesus Christ Saved Me From Pornography, Homosexuality, And The Occult.''
Howard took a call from Gay JD which was just Sal or Richard making a call using clips of JD asking him to cum for him and things like that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that this guy is just transferring one addiction for anther. He said he thinks that he's transferred his urges from one extreme to another. He said he doesn't buy any of the religious crap himself. Joseph said he doesn't speak for the whole gay community but he has found hundreds of gay men who are not happy in the lifestyle. He said they want a way out.
Howard took another call from a guy who said the problem is that he doesn't think that this guy is being honest. He said if he was really being honest then he'd know that the lord would take out all of his desires. He said that Joseph was saying that he still has those urges. The guy wanted 5 minutes to talk to Joseph but Howard said they don't have 5 minutes.
Another caller said that this guy is mentally weak and he has been prayed upon. Joseph said it's that way for many gay men. The caller said he's bi-sexual himself. Joseph asked if he entered the gay lifestyle as a young guy. The caller said he did. Joseph said he did too and he was in California.
Howard cut Joseph off and took a call from Wood Yi who asked when he's going to get tired of sucking cock. Joseph told him to just call out to God. The guys in the back were playing clips of Wood Yi telling Joseph about gay things that he's done. Joseph said he'd pray for him.
Howard said you can get Joseph's book at SwallowedBySatan.com
Howard said that he thinks Joseph is a guy who was traumatized as a young man and he is trying to escape this whole thing. He said he thinks that he could have a successful gay relationship. Joseph said he doesn't think so. He said he has found so many other men that want out of this world.
Joseph told Howard that he was in a glory hole situation once and the devil presented himself to him. He said at times he'll present himself in a beautiful form too though. Howard asked how big the biggest penis was that he dealt with. Joseph said he was with someone who was about 11 inches. He said it wasn't good. He said gay men look for that big one and they look for that because there's something lacking in them.
Robin said when certain things are repressed in a society they can become sick. Robin said that gay men have had to hide for so long that they have gone in the opposite direction. Robin said it becomes a perversion. Robin said that it's not the gay people's fault.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back again. They were playing clips of George Takei speaking in Spanish. Joseph wasn't turned on by that at all. They were playing clips of George moaning while Joseph was trying to talk to Robin. Joseph said he's showing signs of a demonic possession because he was speaking in another language. They had George moaning and talking to Joseph and Joseph had no idea it was tapes of George.
Joseph told Howard that he met a lot of gay guys in San Francisco. He said a lot of them got used up and got AIDS and died. He said it's very sad. Howard said he agrees with what Robin was saying earlier.
Howard gave Joseph some more plugs for his book and web site. Joseph gave a shout out to an ex porn star who helped him out. He said she was the first ex-porn star to write about her experiences. He said she's been a hero to him. Robin asked what it felt like when Satan came out of him. Joseph said he went through an exorcism and it was a big weight off of him. He said he was doing a lot of bondage porn and the devil was pulling hard on those chains.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back again who were playing clips of Mark the Bagger asking if it was wrong to beat off to his dad. Joseph gave him some advice. Mark also asked how far up the ass he can take a whiffle ball bat. Howard asked if Joseph has ever done that. Joseph said he saw a guy sit on a road cone once. Howard asked Mark if he has ever done that. Mark said yes. Joseph said he knows a proctologist in San Francisco and he can make a living off just the gay clientele. He said they have a lot of problems with their rectums. Mark asked how he can get a Michelob bottle out of his ass. He asked how to get cum out of his cat's fur too. Joseph didn't get a chance to answer.
Howard gave Joseph some more plugs and Robin asked if he has ever gotten therapy. Joseph said he has not but he has spoken to a lot of people at the church and that's like therapy. Howard said it's really not. Joseph said he puts everything into the lord and into helping gay men. Howard said he would not go to Joseph for help. He said if you're gay you should enjoy it and have nice sex. He said if you don't like doing the crazy stuff then just don't do it. Have a partner and just have a good relationship. Joseph said that just doesn't happen. Joseph said it has happened to everyone he knew in San Francisco.
Howard said he has Gary the Homophobe on the phone. Joseph said he had to hold his friends when they were dying of AIDS. He said they all looked at him saying ''It wasn't worth it.'' He said they didn't have any choice. He said they didn't have a choice. Robin said we all have a choice. Joseph said they were all confused and they just wanted a man to love them. Howard said if he had a father who told him that he wished that he had a nice life and a nice man then he could have had it. Joseph said that's not the way the gay world is. Robin said that's because people like Joseph take themselves out and don't act responsible.
Joseph said he knows that it's hard to understand the gay world. Robin said there is no gay world. She said that they're making a gay world and it's not like that. She said he got caught up in this group that he thought was the gay world. Robin said that he has to find somebody to love.
Howard had to end the interview but Robin and Joseph were going on and on arguing with each other. Howard said he really has to end this. Robin said she could find women with the same story as Joe. Joseph said he has never been happier in his life. Howard said that's great. He gave him some more plugs and wrapped up. Howard said he's sorry he didn't have more time. Joseph said he was very nice to give him the time he did. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Omarosa is there. She came in and Howard said she had a nice outfit on. Howard said that Robin corrected her on how to pronounce her name. Howard said it's a hard O. Howard said that she looks different to him. He said maybe it's her hair.
Howard asked if Omarosa's boobs are real. She said she told him she bought them about 6 years ago. Howard asked if it's the best move of her life. Omarosa said that it's hard for her now because she's in a ministry and it's hard to put on a collar and have fake boobs. She said she's trying to preach the word of Jesus Christ and it's hard with all of that going on. Howard said it must attract men to the ministry. Howard said he might need some counseling.
Howard asked Omarosa about how people said that she had 15 minutes of fame and it should be over but she's still going. Omarosa said it was 10 years ago that she was on The Apprentice and she's back on. Omarosa said she sent a tape in back then and got on the show. She said she was working at the White House at the time. She said she got out of there and got into The Apprentice.
Howard said Omarosa is a big deal. He said she has a law degree but she's not a lawyer. Howard asked if Bill Clinton ever came on to her. She said he never did. She said he was a gentleman. Omarosa said that she never experienced any of that kind of thing. Howard asked if she knew Monica Lewinsky. Omarosa said she saw her but didn't know her. Howard asked if it was shocking to her what she learned about that relationship. Omarosa said what was shocking was that they were saying that it wasn't true.
Howard asked Omarosa about Al Gore's loss in the election. Omarosa said she worked for him and she thinks that they won. She said the whole Florida thing is what screwed that up.
Howard said that he might run for President with Jesse Ventura in 2016. Omarosa asked what his platform is. Howard said he has no idea. He said he has to wait for Jesse to say.
Omarosa asked Howard if he would want to blow stuff up. Howard said he would. Howard asked what she would want to blow up. Omarosa said she would want to hurt anyone who hurts children. Howard said he's wondering about countries. Omarosa said that she's talking about individuals. Howard said he's talking about whole nations.
Howard asked Omarosa if this Apprentice this is enjoyable. Omarosa said she did well and she won some money for her charity. Howard said he had no idea that she was engaged to Michael Clarke Duncan. He was nominated for an Academy Award for The Green Mile. Robin said she saw him a few weeks before he died and he told her to say hello to Howard. Howard thanked her for remembering now.
Howard asked Omarosa how she met Michael. She said she met him in a whole foods store. She said he asked if she was that mean girl from that TV show. She walked away but he followed her and eventually gave her his number. She said she doesn't date actors usually. Howard asked how long they dated before they became romantically involved. She said it wasn't the first night but it wasn't too long. Howard asked how long it was. Omarosa said she's not going to tell him. She said they were going to get married. Omarosa said she's not going to tell him that kind of thing.
Howard asked Omarosa if there is a strategy to win someone over. Omarosa said that things are different now that she's a pastor. She said that she tells women to wait until they get married. Howard asked if Michael liked her boobs. She said that he was more of an ass man. She said he's dead now so she shouldn't be talking about that.
Omarosa said she has no desire to date anyone after Michael. Howard said she must have been in love. Howard said he would want Beth not to date if he died. Howard said he doesn't want any other dude going in there.
Howard asked how long Michael has been gone. Omarosa said that he's been gone for 6 months now. She said she's still getting wedding gifts. Howard asked if she regrets not having kids with him. She said she doesn't and she thinks God had a plan for them. She said he died of a heart attack. She said his heart just stopped suddenly. She was with him at the time. She said she did CPR. She said that he fought on life support for 2 months after. Omarosa said she was a tennis instructor so she had to know CPR.
Howard asked Omarosa about working with Latoya Jackson and getting her fired. Omarosa said that she looks really stupid because she didn't know how to play the game. Howard said he finds it hard to believe that people get so upset over a game. Omarosa said she's suing Latoya because she said some really nasty things about Michael. She said Latoya said that she pulled the plug on Michael. Howard asked Omarosa if that's really actionable. Omarosa said that she said it back in October and she's repeated it on a bunch of talk shows so that is actionable. Omarosa said that you can let it go if it's just a one time thing but it's not now. Omarosa said that she has been going out and saying this stuff 6 months later. Omarosa said that she's perpetuating it like it's the truth. She said she has hired Neville Johnson as her lawyer. She said it may cost her $25-30,000 to take it through to the end. Howard said that no one is going to believe that. Omarosa said that his mother is still alive and she's hearing all of this stuff. She said that if it was just her then it wouldn't be an issue.
Howard asked if she did pull the plug. Omarosa said she did not. She said she loved that man. It wasn't her decision anyway. Omarosa said that Latoya has done so many things to her own family and she's used them. She said that she thinks she's doing the same with Michael Clarke Duncan.
Omarosa said they asked Latoya to retract what she said but she has refused. Omarosa said that if she would just say it's not true she'd pull the lawsuit. Omarosa said that she's going to file the suit today. She said they got a letter from the lawyer who said that it was The Apprentice producer's fault. Omarosa said that the attorney says that she should know something about public feuds. Howard said The Apprentice gets real at some point.
Howard asked Omarosa if she's still on The Apprentice. She said she was kicked off. Howard said that she said that Brett Michaels was a good player and she wanted him off. Omarosa said that she got him kicked off and now he's mad at her. She said she doesn't really care at this point. She said it's just a game show. Howard asked why Brett is so upset about it. Omarosa said she's not sure. She said it's not the most important thing happening in her life right now.
Howard said he looks at Omarosa's life and it's filled with a lot of tragedy. Her father was murdered when she was just 7. Omarosa said he was killed by a monster. She said that her brother was killed 2 years ago. Her fiancee died of a heart attack. Omarosa said that's why she says that The Apprentice isn't that important in her life.
Howard said they brought in Piers Morgan for The Apprentice and he's wondering why. Omarosa said that he said that he came back just to fight with her. She said that he's a jerk. Omarosa said that he has like 3 viewers watching his show. Howard asked if she has gone on his show. She said she has not. She said she was on Larry King but she won't got backwards by going on Piers' show.
Howard asked if Michael Clarke Duncan was the largest man she's ever been with. Omarosa said that he was an incredible human being. She said he was the love of her life. Howard wanted to know if he was big in the pants but she wasn't talking. Omarosa told Howard that she ran into one of Howard's fans on the flight out there. She gave him a shout out as she was trying to avoid answering the penis size question.
Howard asked if Omarosa is going to ever date again. She said she doesn't think so. She said he was the love of her life and she misses him. Howard said he doesn't know how long he'd need to get over his wife passing. He said he would need at least 6 months.
Omarosa asked why everyone on the staff is dressed so nicely now. Howard said they heard she was dating and got dressed up for her. Omarosa said that is just not true.
Howard asked if she's in touch with Michael's family. She said she is. Howard asked if Michael had a brother. She said he did not. She said he had a sister.
Howard asked about Omarosa's dad's killer and if he got caught. Omarosa said they did catch him and he spent about 13 years in prison. Howard asked why he killed her father. She said she really doesn't know. Howard said he doesn't believe that. She said she thinks it was just a random act. She said that her brother was killed by an intruder while he was in bed. Omarosa said this is a really heavy show today. She said that her brother was involved with a woman who had a lover who came in and killed him. She said that the guy is in jail for life. Howard asked if she wished that they had given him the death sentence. Omarosa said that she doesn't want that. She said you have to forgive and let it go or it will consume you. She said that hating him is not going to bring her brother back. She said it's not going to change anything to hate the guy. Omarosa said that the first thing you learn in the ministry is forgiveness. Howard said he would just be pissed.
Robin said she was talking to a minister once and she told him why and the minister told her that maybe she shouldn't forgive.
Howard said you have to watch Omarosa on The Apprentice. Howard said she never uses her full name. Howard said he was trying to say her last name but it's tough. Omarosa said that her first name is a mouth full to begin with. She said her full name is Omarosa Manigault.
Howard asked Omarosa if she inherited Michael's money. She said they were going to marry so who do you think got his money. She said that she would rather have him than his money. She said that he did take care of her though.
Omarosa asked Howard if he would send a Kindle to her kids. Howard said he will do that. He whipped out some money to give to her. Howard gave her $150. Omarosa said that they want it from Howard. Robin said she has an unused one sitting there. She said she would send that to the kids.
Howard said that Omarosa must be set for life. Omarosa said she's focusing on raising money for her charity and for her ministry. Howard asked what she does with her money. Omarosa said she likes to buy land. She said she bought some in Ohio where she grew up. She said she would like some place for her family to go.
Howard said Omarosa can't be wearing panties with that outfit. She said she is. Howard said he doesn't see a panty line. She said she is wearing underwear.
Omarosa asked if Howard has a Twitter account. Howard said he dos. She asked him to tweet out for her. Howard said his fans hate him.
Howard said Omarosa is on All Star Celebrity Apprentice. He said that airs Sunday nights on NBC. Omarosa said that she also brought the cameras into her house for a show on Oprah's network. She said she shows the house and the charity and ministry too.
Howard asked if she's still fighting with Wendy Williams. Omarosa said she loves Wendy now. They're over their fighting. Omarosa said that she's going to Tweet Howard now. She said she's @Omarosa on Twitter. Howard said he's going to watch her on The Apprentice. He went to break a short time later.
Robin said Howard recommended that movie ''Diary of a Wallflower'' (Perks of Being a Wallflower) or whatever it was and she hasn't seen that yet. Howard said he wants to produce a movie where George Washington hunts werewolves. Howard said the guy playing Lincoln in this movie didn't have to stay in character all the time either. Howard said the wife read his diary and found out what he was up to. He said that Lincoln never told her what he was doing.
Howard said The Walking Dead was great this week. Robin said you couldn't see that coming. Howard didn't want to give anything away about this week's episode. Howard said next week is the season finale. He said he can't believe that. Robin said Game of Thrones is coming back. Howard said he doesn't care that much about that show. He said he sometimes doesn't understand what's going on. He said he knows the Khaleesi. He said he saw her on a talk show recently and she didn't look so hot in real life. Howard said as long as she's hot on the show he's fine.
Howard said he loves that Jay Leno is getting so much shit thrown at him. He said he doesn't understand it but he loves it. Howard said he should keep his chin up even though it weighs like 9 billion pounds.
Howard said he was thinking about the Pope and he's wondering if the old pope is going to try to get the job back like Leno did with Conan.
Howard said Kim Kardashian is huge now that she's pregnant. Robin said they're already selling the baby and making money from pictures. Howard said that she's now saying that she's having a hard time dealing with her pregnant body. Robin said she had to give a deposition the other day and it lasted like 14 hours.
Howard said that Bill Gates wants to improve on the condom and make a state of the art condom. Howard said he loves that. He said that the guy is putting up $100,000 to anyone who can do it. Howard said that's great. He likes that he's doing something like that.
Howard said he was reading that if you go to fast food restaurants that you'll end up eating about 12 pubic hairs in a year. Howard said that's from the McPussy sandwich. Howard said that would be bigger than John Hamm's penis if it was a real sandwich. Howard asked if they can imagine how many pubes are in Jon Hein's stomach. Howard said he must have a barrel full in there.
Howard said he wants Jon Hein to lose some weight. He said he told Jon he should swallow a comb to comb the hair in his stomach. Robin said he still eats that food even after seeing that McDonald's Cheeseburger sitting out for a year and not changing.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if he's ever googled his name. Howard said every 10 minutes he does. The caller asked if he knows where he stands in the ranking of Howard's. Howard said he doesn't care but he can go ahead. The caller said he's sixth with Howard the Duck in 5th. He said there are a few others ahead of him. Robin said she's number 8 in the list of Robin's. Howard said number 6 is good but he'd like to be number 1. Howard said he should be beating Howard University.
The caller said he's been giving Gary crap about his TV show and Ronnie crap about his block party. He asked Howard about taking days off for AGT. Howard said he's the boss there. The caller said that they pay to listen to him. Howard said if he doesn't like it then he should cancel his subscription ASAP. Howard said that's the luxury of being a subscriber. The caller said he loves Howard. Howard asked what the problem is. Howard said the staff is not him. He said the block party isn't his work. He said that's a blemish on his empire. Howard said that's someone using his audience and having a block party. Howard said he has nothing to do with that. Howard said he never wanted to have his guys running around with block parties. He said they're like a pubic hair in his hamburger.
Howard said Robin and Fred aren't out there doing this stuff. The caller told Howard to bring back Artie. Howard said Artie isn't coming back. He said that he should cancel his subscription now. Howard said this is the show so get used to it or get rid of it. Howard hung up on the guy and said maybe he'll bring back Jackie too. Howard said Artie is doing his own thing and he's happy for him. He said he's doing well. Howard said maybe he'll bring back Al Rosenberg too. Howard said this is it. He said it's him, Robin, Fred, Benjy and sometimes George Takei. Howard said this is how they roll.
Robin said it fascinates her that a guy like that could never have created Howard but he knows how to fix him. Howard said this is him and that's that. He said he thinks he knows what he's doing. Howard said he's shocked his parents created him. Robin said they didn't know what they were doing.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he blames Howard for the whole Twitter thing. Howard told the guy that he doesn't like the negativity. He said he has a great story about a boxer by the name of Curtis Woodhouse. He had someone giving him a hard time on Twitter so he tracked the guy down. Howard played some audio of the guy on a news program talking about how he tracked the guy down and drove to his house. Curtis said he put a bounty out on his head so he rang the guy up and he got all of the information. He found out he was 47 miles away so he knocked on his door and told him that this stops today. He said he did that and gave him the fright of his life.
Howard said you have to see this guy. He said he cried like a little bitch. Howard said it's just some douche bag living in his parent's house making threats. Howard said they brought the guy out on the show, Day Break England, and he was crying. Howard had the audio of that guy being interviewed. He said he realized he was doing the wrong thing. Howard said he's all apologetic now that he's been caught. The guy apologized to Curtis for what he did. Howard said the guy is a pussy. He said that's what everyone on Twitter is like. Howard said they just cower when you meet them. He said he sees this happening more and more.
Howard said he would fuck with someone and they wouldn't even know it. Howard said he would make them so busy with misery that they wouldn't even know it. Howard said they wouldn't have a second to tweet. Howard said you just put up a couple of bucks and they'll give you up. Howard said it's interesting. Howard said these guys own up eventually and then say they didn't mean anything. Howard said it turns out they're just a douche.
Howard said he loves that boxer for doing that. He said he wishes Robin would marry him. Robin said she'll think about it. Howard said she should marry Woodhouse.
Howard said the guys went out and asked who people would let baby sit, Casey Anthony or Howard Stern. Howard said he thinks he loses this one. Howard played the interviews that Sal and Richard did. One woman said Casey Anthony. Then Howard got a couple of votes. Then a couple of people said Casey Anthony over Howard. Howard said he did win 3-2 but it was close. Howard said people are nuts. Robin said she thinks that everyone is. Howard said he's going to take a break and get to some news. He did a live commercial after that.
Howard said he saw that JD put a plea out to Katy Perry asking her to date him. Howard said he saw that she broke up with John Mayer. Howard said that guy knows how to play it. He said that guy gets a lot of chicks. Howard asked Gary if they have any chance of getting that guy on the show. Gary said he saw John there but he won't talk about his love life. Howard asked why. Gary said he didn't ask. He said that was about 5 or 6 years ago. Howard told him to ask again. He said he'd like to hear some of his songs played live. Howard said he can come in and play and talk about sex. Howard said maybe he'll notice that Gary is wearing a jacket now like Omarosa did.
Howard played a Ronnie Mund GPS commercial parody. They had Ronnie reading his famous lines in the bit. Howard asked if that was Ronnie acting. Fred said it was.
Howard played a clip of JD asking Katy Perry out. Howard said she could write a song called ''I Kissed a Nerd And I Liked It.'' Howard asked if JD could ever get her. Robin and Fred thought it could work. Gary said there was that movie Swept Away that had a story like that. Howard played more of JD's plea for a date. Howard asked if they really think JD could get her on an deserted island. Fred said he does. Howard said he doesn't think she's ever give in. Howard said in the movie the woman was brutalized by the guy. Howard said JD isn't going to do that. Robin said JD did tell that girl to have sex with a dog.
JD came in and asked Robin to calm down. Howard said that volleyball from that movie with Tom Hanks, Castaway, would have a better chance with Katy Perry.
Howard said that Kate Upton turned down a kid who asked her to go to his prom. Howard said the kid wasn't in the military or a Make a Wish kid so she turned him down.
Howard played more of JD's plea for a date and he wasn't making much of an argument for why she should go out with him. He said he's a decent guy and he's not terrible. Howard said he has a high opinion of himself. He said he's not terrible. JD said he's not looking for fame. Howard said that means he is.
Howard asked JD if she follows him on Twitter. JD laughed and said she doesn't. he was mumbling through most of that plea. JD said we'll see what happens.
Howard played a clip of Ashley Judd talking about running for senate in a phony ad. She said she didn't know anything about the senate but she's fucking hot so vote for her.
Robin said that there's a woman in the paper today who is getting death threats for showing her tits. Howard said he loves that woman. He said she showed her tits in Tunisia and now they're threatening to kill her. Her family has rejected her too. They've disowned her. Howard said that's just because she's topless. Robin said she's getting threats and it could cause horrors for other women there. Howard said JD wants to go out with her. He just made a video asking her to go out with him.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to address the caller who complained about Howard being on for 3 days. She said true fans will listen even if he's only on an hour a week. Howard said if you feel you need more of him it's a compliment. Howard said this is what he's doing now and that's it. The caller said she will listen forever. Howard said he's glad they still have The Howard Stern Show.
Howard jokingly said Katy Perry just said that JD can carry her little dog for her but she won't date him. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read about Peter Calico's daughter who was caught selling drugs. Howard said he felt bad for the guy. He said he hasn't heard from him in years. He said he hates to hear about something like that. Howard said you do think that people who are wealthy will never have problems like that but money doesn't take care of things like that. Robin read about how she was caught selling drugs by an undercover cop.
Robin read about how the supreme court is taking up the same sex marriage case today. Robin said that a 12 year old boy who was adopted by gay parents will help persuade them. Robin had some audio of the kid talking about being adopted and how great it's been for him and the other kids they adopted. Howard said that was kind of touching.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she's not sure what's going on today with the phone callers and other people. Howard let her rant for about 30 seconds and then hung up on her.
Bobo called in and asked if Robin is ready to admit that she fantasizes about Howard. Robin said she never has. She said Howard is such a reality in her life that she wouldn't have to fantasize. Howard said she knows what they're talking about. It's a sexual thing. Robin said it's like he's her brother. Robin said she is envious of the women who get to partake because he's such an incredible human being and it's closed to her. Howard said she just admitted it. He said she admitted something but he's not sure what.
Robin asked Howard if he has ever fantasized about his sister. Howard said of course not. Howard said some people think that Robin is jealous of Heidi Klum and that's why she went off on her recently. Howard said he got a note from Dr. Drew about that. Howard read the note and Drew said that another beautiful woman might be a threat to her. Howard had a voice mail from Heidi Klum Jr. who said that Robin is just crazy. He quickly played that and said that Robin doesn't seem to want him. Howard thanked Bobo for the call and let him go. Robin asked if that letter from Drew was real. Howard said it actually was. He said Drew will be coming in soon so she can talk about it with him then. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about the family of someone who was killed and how they are saying that they have to forgive the killer. Robin said this just happened. Howard asked Robin if she has ever done that. Robin said she has found a lot of forgiveness in her life. She said you have to. Robin had some audio of the family talking about forgiveness. Howard said he could never do that. He said he doesn't forgive. He said he's angry with everyone.
Howard said Jenny McCarthy was in there looking for a man. Howard said they called her and asked if she would do a dating game. Howard said she has agreed to do a dial-a-date. Howard said she was blunt about what she wants. Howard said she's attracted to widowers because they've had a wife. Howard said she wants someone smart. He has to be good looking but he can't have man boobs. She also likes to go out and not stay home. Howard said he's out then. Howard said Jenny wants a guy who makes $500,000 a year minimum. Howard said maybe a doctor making $350,000 would work. She also doesn't want an ounce of gay in the guy. The guy has to have his own life and doesn't want to adopt her life. Howard said she's not looking for a guy who wants to be her manager or anything like that. Howard said if you want in then get in touch with Gary. Howard asked where they should check in. Gary said you can email them at Contest@HowardStern.com
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a kid who just sold his tech start up for $30 million. He's only 17 years old. He's the founder of Summly which is a mobile app that searches for news. Howard said that's great that he's making that kind of money so early in life. Robin said he will now work for Yahoo. Robin said he created the app at 15 years of age. Robin said that he had investors like Ashton Kutcher. Howard said he seems to be in on everything and he's like a billionaire from that stuff. Robin said that the kid took months to come to terms with them to have the proper deal. Howard said the internet stuff is so weird. He said people just rip stuff off. He said everyone has a phone like an iPhone. Howard said it's nice that they actually paid the kid and didn't rip him off. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Jerry Sandusky and how people are still talking about him. Robin said people must like him even though he's a heinous human being. Robin said she likes Dexter but he's not a real serial killer. Howard jokingly said he read that he actually is a real serial killer so that's why he knows how to play the part. Robin read about this interview Jerry Sandusky did and had some audio for Howard to play. They had audio of Sandusky talking about how the case was handled. Howard said he was just joking about that Dexter thing earlier. He said that these guys give their sad story and people feel bad for them. Robin said he doesn't just come out and say that he didn't have a kid in the shower. He says that it's convoluted and a lot of things were going on. The audio quality was bad so Howard gave up on listening.
Robin had a story about Jim Carrey and a song he put out. Howard said he saw that the guys on FOX News were really upset by this song. He said they were calling him a douche and saying that he was making fun of Charlon Heston.
Robin read about how upset North Korea is with us and how they're threatening a rocket strike on Guam, Hawaii and on the west coast of the United States. Robin said that they're saying that we need to make clear statements about what will happen if that happens. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about that.
Robin read about how tiger Woods is the number 1 golfer in the world once again. Robin said that Jeff the Drunk said it's the power of the pussy that did it. Robin had some audio of Tiger Woods talking about his win.
Robin read about illegal immigration and what Howard thinks we should do. Howard said he goes back and forth on it. Howard said it's very complicated. He said he doesn't like people sneaking over the border. He said it hurts his head to think about it. He said he really needs to eat and go pee.
Robin read a story about Amanda Knox getting some bad news yesterday. Robin had some audio from her attorney who said that she still remains not guilty and there was no evidence of her guilt.
Howard said if you're not a fan of the Three Stooges then you're not friend of his. Howard said he can still watch them all the time. He said he has them on plastic. He and Fred goofed on Gary about his pieces of vinyl comments for a few seconds.
Robin read about how Catherine McPhee is saying she wants nothing to do with the TV show Smash anymore. Howard said she should calm the fuck down. Robin said she will only talk about her music and a magazine she's in. Howard said she has to calm down. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:15am.
Jon said he felt that Gary was looking for the fight. Gary said he did call Howard out on the pieces of vinyl thing. Jon asked if it hurt his feelings when Howard said he only watched because he felt he had to. Gary said it didn't hurt that bad.
Jon said Howard said he wasn't overwhelmingly negative toward his appearance but he really was. Gary said Jon was smiling while he was saying that. Jon said that's because he was overwhelmingly negative. Jon asked what Gary learned from today's show. Gary said he learned that Howard hates that they do that show. He said he also learned that he didn't look good on that Jimmy Fallon appearance.
Jon said that Howard called out Lisa G and the block party guys today too. he said everyone works really hard on the show and they dedicate their lives to the show. Gary said Will has said that it's not a job, it's a lifestyle. He said that's what it is. Gary said he works even on Sunday on the show. He said he was on the phone with Howard 3 times on Sunday. Jon said Howard is the boss and he can do what he wants. He said if he wants them working 24/7 then that's what he gets.
Gary said he had some information given to them a few years ago and things may have changed since then. Howard told them that he wanted them to figure out a future and he thinks that's what's bothering him now. He said that people are looking to do other things.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he would have kicked Howard in the balls over what he said today. Gary said that will never happen. The caller said that Howard turned these guys into celebrities and that's why he has to deal with this stuff. He said Gary never would have been able to write his book without Howard. He pointed out that Jackie sold a bunch of crap and now Artie has his own show on DirecTV.
Gary said Jackie had his plugs written into his contract. He said with Artie he arrived there after being on a network TV show and he had an established stand-up comedy career. He said they knew they were going to deal with that stuff. Gary said maybe Howard feels he has more say over how things work with him. He said he knows he wouldn't have sold over 100,000 books without Howard. He said he and Jon have a show because of Howard. He said that they don't make any pretence that they would have had it without this show.
Jon said that some people are born and raised on the show and then there are some that came there and grew up with the show. He said that different rules may apply to different people. Jon said if the fans don't support them then it's going to go away. He said that it all depends on their involvement with the show.
Jon said Howard wasn't stopping this morning. He said he wants the outside projects to stop. Jon said the block party took a major hit today. he said he thinks that they might be thinking twice about it now.
Shuli came in and said Howard is the boss and what he says goes. He said that if he's not happy with it they won't continue to do it. Shuli said that what they're doing might be different than what Howard thinks they're doing. Gary said that he has seen some of it on TV though. Shuli said that's not the show though. He hasn't seen the actual show.
Gary said he was surprised that Howard let the block party happen because there were things like it that he put a stop to. Shuli said they did some shows before like the Killers of Comedy tour. Gary said Stuttering John did the same kind of thing and Howard put a stop to that too. Gary said they didn't pay that much attention to it but when it got big that's when Howard got upset. They spent a minute on that before they had to go to break.
Jon said that today Howard brought up The Walking Dead and everyone in the back office didn't want to hear what Robin had to say about it because they were afraid that she was going to spoil something. Steve said there were at least 3 or 4 guys who ran for the kitchen during that discussion. Steve said he ran out during the Joey interview today.
Ronnie came in and said he didn't hear that conversation because he was down waiting for Omarosa to get there. Jon said she seems like a different person on Howard's show than she does on The Apprentice. Ronnie said she didn't have much to say to him. Gary said he got that experience too. Ronnie said he didn't get anything from her. He said he got some on the way out but not on the way in. He said she did take a lot of pictures on her way out.
Gary said Omarosa did point out that he was all dressed up and he told Howard that she was all charming today.
Jon asked Ronnie about the block party and if he's enjoying that. Ronnie said he loves it and the fans love coming. Jon asked if he is the same on and off stage. Ronnie said Jon knows what he's like off stage so that's a dumb question. Jon said he is a friend. Gary said the fans may not know since they're not in on their friendship. Ronnie said everyone knows what he's like on and off the air.
Jon said that Ronnie went in while Howard was talking about the whole block party thing. Jon asked what he thinks about what Howard had to say today. Ronnie said he doesn't know what to think anymore. Jon asked where the confusion is. Ronnie said he just doesn't know. He said they're booked up until the end of the year. They do one show a month. Gary asked if they're going to book new shows. Ronnie said he has to think about it. Shuli said he wants to make sure one way or the other. He said if Howard wants it stopped then they'll stop it. He said he's heard different things.
Jon said he thinks Howard doesn't want to come out and say stop it to their face. He said Howard has said it wants it to go away. Shuli said he wants solid clarification about whether to stop it or not. Jon said that Howard is going to say he wants it done. Gary said Howard is going to say he wants it stopped.
Gary said Howard said he wanted him to handle these things but Howard never said what he wanted. He said he never said he wanted it stopped. Gary said he would do it if that's what he wants. Shuli said he will stop the block party if he wants him to stop it. Ronnie said he didn't have a problem with it when Scott was on the block party. Jon said that was before it became as big as it is now. Ronnie said he thought that would make him happy being out there doing things with the fans. He said he must not like it so he'll end it if he wants him to.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that these guys are getting shit on for not really doing anything wrong. He said Gary is the one who gets shit on the most. The caller said Howard never did that with Artie. Gary said they talked about that earlier. Artie came in there with a career already.
Gary said he isn't doing the TV show for money. He said he's doing it to do something with their careers when Howard is done with his. Ronnie said the block party is good for Shuli because he has a stand-up career and this is keeping him out there. Gary said he's not sure why Ronnie is doing it. Ronnie said he likes being on the road and hanging with the people. He said he doesn't have to do it. He said he makes a fine living there doing the limo and security thing. He said that the money is great and it helps. He said he bought a Corvette with the money he got from it last year.
Gary asked if Ronnie is doing it to feel good. Ronnie said he likes being out there with the people. He said that's not ego for him. They had to take another break after that.
Ronnie said he was the one who came up with the idea to put the signs on the door. He said he makes sure it gets done but Howard TV is in charge of doing it. Gary said he heard one of Gerard Butler's people took the sign and they had to ask him not to take it. He said he thinks it'll be okay that Omarosa too her's though.
Jon said that Omarosa lost her fiancee and they were wondering how long someone should wait to date. Gary said it depends on age. He said that if he's 65 he's going to start in 3 months. He said you want to show some respect. He said that it has to be different for everyone. Ronnie said he wouldn't do it right away. He said Stephanie said that she won't date a guy after he goes. Jon said that's very sweet of her to say. Ronnie said he knows. He said he told her that she might as well go now and live it out with someone but she doesn't want to listen.
Gary said guys an women are different when it comes to that. He said guys want to know when and women say they'll know when it's time.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Omarosa is a terrible person on Apprentice. He said she seems really cool when she's on the Stern Show though. He said it's really strange. Jon said she did say that it's a TV persona. He said she plays into that. Gary said she worked in the White House and she's a very smart person. The caller said that she really knows how to push buttons with people. He said Howard did a great job too. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about the busy show they had coming up today. Howard said it's like one endless party. He said there was a song he heard about Robin last night that he had to share it with her. It's by Eli Braden. Howard said he wrote like 15 songs and this one stood out. This is to the tune of a Bruno Mars song. Howard played the song and Robin laughed. It was to the tune of Locked Out Of Heaven'' and Howard said he had to share that one with Robin. Howard said the guy wrote about 11 songs for her and he was like ''wow.'' He said they all had something special in them. Howard played another one and said Eli loves Robin so much. Robin didn't like the second one. The next one was about ''Big Plump Titties on Robin's Chest.'' Howard played ''Rubbin' Your Tits on my Penis'' and ''I Fucked Those Titties.'' Howard said he was listening and Beth walked into the room and she was like ''Wow! What's that?'' Howard played ''I'm Jerking My Dick Off To You Babe'' and ''I've Got To Suck Your Massive Tits... Robin'' and ''I've Got a Boner and You've Got Those Titties'' too.
Howard said his favorite was that Bruno Mars parody. He played Eli's ''I Love Your Massive Tits'' and ''Robin Fuck My Oscar Meyer.''
Robin said if you make really bad songs then send them all. Howard said he edited some of them out. Howard said this is some opus. He said there was more but he'll stop there. Howard said some people see these as genius but he sees them as evidence just in case he ever does something to Robin.
Howard said he had to get upstairs and watch that show ''Splash.'' He said he loves that show. Howard said Beth was talking during the judging and he was shushing her. Howard said he had to rewind to hear why someone got a 6. Howard said he told her he's a judge so he had to watch everything.
Howard said the Supreme Court is trying to get out of ruling on gay marriage. He said they keep dropping little hints about leaving it up to the states. Howard said they're afraid of getting threats or something. He said these people are out of their minds. He said people are nuts and crazy. Howard said there was a story in the paper who staged a rape attempt on his girlfriend so he could look heroic by saving her. Howard said people are just weirdos.
Howard said Stone Phillips was interviewing him once and he told Gary to get a Handicapped woman and he'd lay hands on her to get her up to walk. Howard said he felt like the biggest dick head when Stone called him out on it.
Gary came in and said that was a weird situation. He said he brought the girl in and Stone looked at him like ''Give me a fucking break.'' Robin asked where Stone Phillips is these days. Howard said he's probably on Celebrity Splash.
Howard said Nicole Eggert almost hit her head when she was diving on Splash. Howard said he can't believe that's Nicole Eggert. He said he used to beat off to her. Howard said she's a big girl now and she's shocked that people comment on her weight.
Gary said he had a run in with Louie Anderson once at LAX airport. He said he was in the elevator and he wasn't able to get past him so he had to go back down in the elevator.
Howard said he got a note from Rob Burnett who had some things to straighten out with Gary. Howard said Rob says that he does projects for David Letterman's company and not for himself. He said if he did a block party then he would do it for Dave's company ''Worldwide Pants.'' He said he doesn't see that happening because he can't write poetry.
Howard got back to Chyna and said this tape that she's doing is to help Japanese people learn English. Howard played more of the audio where Chyna was giving lines for people to repeat. Howard said the Japanese people must hate the name Chyna since they hate the Chinese. Fred was doing his Herman Munster voice for Chyna. Howard was laughing as he did that.
Howard said Chyna says these things and then the Japanese person mouths the word and then says the line. He said that must be some kind of technique that they use. He said he doesn't get it. Howard said he has so many questions about this. Howard said he was wondering this last night and he had no one to bounce questions off of.
Howard said they should send Chyna to visit that guy who is running North Korea. Howard said that guy looks like a baby. He's not sure he even shaves. Howard said it's no wonder he's threatening to blow stuff up. Howard said he's threatening to blow up Guam and he didn't even know we had anything to do with Guam. Robin said she thinks it's a territory or something. Howard said he can go ahead and blow it up but then he found out it was sort of the United States. Howard said he's not up on his current events.
Howard said he saw that The Voice is getting better ratings than American Idol. Robin said Idol has gotten very boring to her.
Howard said Usher thought that Nashville was a state. Robin said he did realize the mistake when it was pointed out to him. Howard said he would rather give Sal a job on that show since geography is part of the job. Howard said they should get him in there to have a geography test with Sal. Howard said he can't goof on Usher since he didn't know about Guam.
Howard said he read about some thieves that stole $35,000 worth of hair. He said he's going to shave Jason's back to get some money for hair. He said he didn't know it was worth so much.
Howard said he was reading about Amanda Knox and how they want to re-try her in Italy. Robin said she would disappear. Howard said he wouldn't go back there. Howard said he wouldn't even eat spaghetti. Howard said we might have to extradite her back there. Howard said he's not sure where he'd go if he were her. He said he might learn Japanese from Chyna. Howard played more of that Chyna language tape and goofed on that some more.
Howard said his favorite thing might be when Fred does his Chyna impressions. Fred did that for him some more and made him laugh.
JD read the poem that started off ''To date Katy Perry would be very merry. She is sweet as a tart and she's taken a place in my heart...''
Howard called him a douche. Howard said Jason just walked in and he could feel the whole floor shaking. Howard said that happened when James Franco was in too. He thought they were having an earthquake. Howard said he has to lose weight. Jason said he has lost some weight. He said he lost 30 last year and he's kept it off. Howard said the whole floor rocks. Howard said he's supposed to disappear when he comes in there to take pictures but he feels the floor shaking and he has to look.
Gary said Scott DePace just told him that the cameras shake too. Jason said that Scott had to leave in the middle of an interview for a bathroom emergency. Scott said that was the first time in 18 years. Jason said he heard he farts up a storm back there. Scott said that's not the same thing as a bathroom emergency. He said he's on a no-carbs diet so that might be causing the problem. Howard said he might want to change his diet.
Howard said Katy Perry heard about JD and she wrote a song to him. Howard played the song parody where she sings that the answer is ''No... fuck no.''
Gary said they say that the IRS has been working with her for years on this. He said she's only ever paid interest and penalties. He said she's paid $1.3 million but she hasn't paid any of the principle. Howard said his father told him early on that he shouldn't feel bad paying taxes. He said that she made a fortune and that's why she has such high taxes.
Gary said he read an article where they got into some of the details. Howard read some of the NY Post article about it. Howard said she had a 50 page filing last week. Robin asked who is filing when she has no money. Howard said she may have had to do it herself. Howard read about what she had to sell and how old her stuff is. Howard said she had some art worth $5,000. Howard said it must be the worst artist ever. Howard said she sold over 100 million albums. He said she must have had a ton of money.
Howard said she still performs live. Howard said she still collects a pension too. Howard said he's doubting her psychic abilities. Howard said she must have seen this coming. Howard said he used to see her in those commercials and he wondered if she had any shame at all.
Howard said Benjy used to do the Psychic Friends Network thing on the phone. Benjy said he had to log in on the phone and he had to send a certified letter saying he was psychic. He said he claimed he did and he got the job.
Gary asked what kind of money Benjy got for doing that. Benjy said he got $18 an hour but it was paid by the minute. He said it depended on how long you kept someone on the phone. He wasn't guaranteed any hours. Benjy said he made a living at it for a while though. Howard asked if people were sobbing and crying. Benjy said he would hang up on people when that was going on. Benjy said he would just look around the room and ask the person about something he saw in the room. Howard said that is so screwed up. He couldn't do that to people. Gary asked if he had to talk to dead relatives and stuff. Benjy said there were a lot of criminal things going on. He said it was that and medical things. Howard said he'd just say that he sees a lawyer in their future. Howard said he would tell them that he sees them taking it in the ass in the shower in prison.
Howard read about the taxes that Dionne owes and how she's been in a relationship with the IRS for about 18 years. Howard said he likes that they say she's in a relationship with them. Howard said they say she owes a former manager about half a million bucks too. Howard said she blames it on financial mismanagement. Howard said she should file chapter 11 and get herself out of the whole thing. Robin said that won't get her out of her debt with the IRS. Howard said it's a shame.
Howard said they're going to put a Denny's in Manhattan. He said he didn't know there weren't any there. Everyone is all excited about it.
Howard said they have Kim Kardashian on the front of the NY Post and they're upset that she's not dressing appropriately. Robin said she's not sure what to think about that.
Howard asked Richard if he had a prank call to a tele-psychic. Gary said it was up. Howard said he didn't remember that one. He played the call and it was this guy Morris who called himself the tele-psychic. Richard asked him about going to jail and if he's going to get fucked in the ass when he goes. Morris hung up on him and said he isn't going to get out of it. He said he's going to get 5 or 10 years.
Howard played a bit they created about Harry Reems to mourn his death. They had some clips from his porn movies. Howard said they interviewed Harry years ago. He said he had that big moustache that made him look like Magnum P.I.
Howard said Debbie is a good looking woman. She said she looks like crap now that she cut her hair. She said she cut it when she got upset. She said she does stupid things like that when she gets upset. She said she went to the hair salon and got it done.
Debbie said that her son is home from school today. Howard said he just wanted to see how she's doing. She screamed as she was saying goodbye. Gary said they got a dog and her son loved it and she gave it away because she didn't like it so she wanted Howard to help get the dog back. Howard said he'd rather not get involved in that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he was looking at this most influential list and Howard isn't on it. He said Howard does some great interviews with people like James Franco and they make the news but he's not on that list. Howard said they do that a lot when he does interviews with people like James and Gerard Butler. The caller said he's sick of them not giving Howard credit.
The caller asked if Howard saw the pictures of John Lennon's glasses from the shooting. Howard said he did see them and he hates seeing that. He said that Yoko wants people to remember John. He said that John had to wear those glasses to see and he eventually started wearing those round ones that became a fashion statement. Howard said everything they did became a fashion statement. Howard said he hates seeing those glasses covered in blood and shattered. Howard said it's probably good that she released them.
Robin said they were talking about late night wars and stuff with Jay Leno and mentioned that no one says anything about Carson Daly. Robin said he's hosting the Today Show all week. Howard said his fortunes have risen and he's the host of The Voice too. Howard said he is getting some play out of it. Robin said that might be why they're hearing all of this Matt Lauer stuff lately. They might be grooming him to take over for Matt.
Howard said people get jealous when they read about celebrities making big money like Matt Lauer. Howard said he looks at it as a guy doing his thing for years and making what he deserves. Howard said the show makes billions and Matt finally got that big pay day. Howard said he considers him the little man. He said he took that chance at that career and he made it.
Howard said that people hated Ann Curry. He said Matt knew that but he can't fire anyone. He said there are people there at Sirius he'd like to fire but he has no power to do that. Howard said he can't even get someone to make up a signature for their email without a controversy. He said it's disastrous there. He said they don't give a fuck who he wants fired. Howard said Matt Lauer didn't have that power either. Howard said people love a frenzy like this. He said it's people piling on. He said Matt is loved and if they get rid of him then they won't have an identity. He said Matt is a known guy and Carson isn't. Robin said Matt was an unknown at one point. Howard said if they start shaking up the show it's not going to be good. He said the only person he cares about is Matt and maybe Al Roker. Howard said Al is just the weatherman though. Howard said the guy does the national weather and there is no such thing. He said you'd be spending months on just one day of weather for the nation.
Howard said they should knock it off and leave Matt alone. He said this Carson Daly thing isn't going to help Matt's head out. He said it's fine to have someone fill in for a week but not if they're going to mess with someone. Howard said it's the same thing with Jay Leno. He said he's number one and he's getting treated like such dick meat. He said he's not even sure what dick meat is. He said he has to trademark that term. He said he might have to create an app for it too.
Howard said he can't believe the way they treat Jay Leno. He said he can't wait for the guy to get out of there but it is odd how they treat the number 1 guy there in late night. Howard said Jay even took a pay cut. Howard asked who takes a pay cut. He said Jay doesn't think much of it. He said the guy must love The Tonight Show. He said he should build a set and pretend he's on TV if it means that much to him. Howard said the whole thing is screwy. He said the way they treat Jay is crazy.
Howard said NBC should bring out Matt Lauer and give him a raise. He said they should be upping his salary. That would be the end of it all. Robin said they're not going to do that. Howard said they still hate Ann Curry too.
Howard said the people in the press hate that whole thing. He said they're all jealous of Matt. He said that's where the articles come from. He said they love it and they have a story they can go with every day. Howard said he had to take a break. He said Robin was busy yenta-ing it up. Robin said they should have offered that gay guy on the show yesterday some help. Howard said they don't have any help. Robin said they could send him to Dr. Drew. Howard said they can put him on that Dr. Fisch show with Shuli. Howard said that's all they have there. Howard said they can send him to Benjy's psychic line. They went to break a short time later.
After the break Howard came right back but asked Fred if he had something to play. Fred said he did so Howard told him to play it. Fred played a ''Ronnie Mund Reads the Classics'' bit where they had him reading The Telltale Heart. He also played ''A Manly Tip from Richard Christy's Dad'' and Bruno Mars ''Locked Out of Heaven'' as they were coming back.
Howard came back and said he had the top 5 songs. He said at number 5 was Rihanna with Mickey Echo. Howard said she has a great voice. Robin said this is growing on her. Howard said number 4 is Justin Timberlake. He said he sold like a million albums in the first week the album was out. Howard said Bruno Mars is at number 3 and Macklemore and Lewis is at number 2. Howard said number 1 was Harlem Shake. Howard said he bets JD likes that Harlem Shake music.
Howard said he was doing something yesterday and he's not sure if he can talk about it. The guys weren't sure if it was supposed to be a secret or not so Howard said he'd talk about it some other time.
Howard said he's not sure about this Harlem Shake music. He said it might be good to listen to during a photo shoot. He said he did a shoot in San Antonio and the photographer was really good. He said he should give the guy a plug.
Howard said Lenny was a great businessman but things fell apart for him. He said now there's a book out about him that says he's a pervert and racist. Howard was going to read the story but Speech was breathing heavy and told Howard about some stuff he knew about Dykstra.
Howard read about how Lenny liked to leave shit in the bowl so he could hear the shrieks of the hotel staff. Howard said he would like to read a book like that. Howard said he should talk to James Franco about making a movie about that.
Howard said they say that Lenny told people he got 3 women pregnant in the same night and made them all get abortions. Howard said he would refer to Tiger Woods and Derek Jeter as a ''darkies.'' Howard said Speech has to stop breathing. He said he's not sure what he's doing. Speech said he's just breathing. Howard said this is all hearsay. He said he has to give Lenny the benefit of the doubt.
Speech said he knew Lenny in high school. Howard asked if he flushed the toilet back then. Speech said he waited to let people see his feces. Howard said he doesn't know anything about that.
Howard read more about Lenny and wondered how they know all of this. Gary said they say all of this on a bunch of TV shows. Howard said it can't be Lenny Dykstra. He said he just can't believe that.
Howard asked Speech what he had to say. Speech asked Howard what he would rather do, the Tonight Show or the Today show if he wasn't on radio. Howard said he'd rather do the Tonight Show. He said at least he could tell a few jokes on that show.
Speech said he doesn't know why he has to dis the Block Party. He said the fans have a good time there. Howard said he doesn't want to be associated with that. He said he knows everyone is upset and offended but that's not the way he wants to conduct his life. Howard said it's not what he wants out there. He said he's all for having fun but their jobs are fun. Howard said Shuli can go out and do his stand-up but he can't control what's going on with the block party. Howard said if the fans want to do something together then they can start a party of their own. Howard said he doesn't see this kind of thing going on with any other show. Speech said the other shows don't have Speech Impediment Man. He said he was in Jamaica having a great time. Howard told him to leave him alone about the block party. Howard told him to talk to Gary if he wants to. Speech asked how his photography is going. Howard said he annoys the shit out of him. He hung up on Speech.
Howard said he should go to the Dionne Warwick concert instead of the block party. He said she needs the money. Howard said he heard Ronnie and Shuli on the Wrap Up Show talking about the block party and Shuli isn't sure if he should end the block party or not. Howard said he needs a personal call from him apparently.
Howard played some audio from the Wrap Up Show where Shuli was talking about how he isn't sure if Howard is serious or not about ending the shows. Howard said they should just cancel all of the shows they have scheduled for this year. He said that Shuli used to do stand-up on his own but now it's a whole thing with the staff from the show. Robin said she saw Beetlejuice down in Jamaica. Howard said he's sick of Beetlejuice and now he knows why. He said he doesn't see him that much but he's on this block party.
Howard said he read about a German woman who slept with her mother's corpse for 8 months because she couldn't afford to bury her. Howard said that's so fucked up. He said it's mind blowing and the whole world is sick. He said he'd love to interview that woman. He said he has to talk to that woman. He told Gary to book her on the show. Robin asked how they caught the woman. She said it must have been from the smell. Howard said he can't imagine what that must have been like.
Howard said Chris Brown is releasing a new album this summer. He quoted Brown and what he was saying about how he can't make people love him. Howard said the guy beat up a girl so he has a hard time buying that. He said the guy's logic and statements he makes should really go through a publicist. Howard said he sounds retarded.
Howard played the news report about this fake rape and how this guy was trying to impress his girlfriend so he had a guy come in and pretend to try and rape his girlfriend. The reporter said they searched for the attacker but it turned out to be a friend. The girlfriend wasn't impressed by the boyfriend fighting the guy off. Howard said that's kind of weird. Howard said you'd think she'd like that he fought off her attacker.
Howard said he heard that this was a plot on Curb Your Enthusiasm. They did it with Benjy and Anna Nicole Smith too. Howard said Benjy made out with Anna and dated her. Howard said that was the best show. He said she came in after having a bad experience on the show. They tried to get her to weigh in on the show and Benjy defended her telling them to shut up and Anna ended up making out with Benjy. Benjy said she had a beautiful face. He said he was excited about the celebrity moment. He said they were in the bathroom holding each other and stuff. He said they did some light kissing at her hotel room.
Howard said they have the tape of Benjy defending Anna Nicole. He said that's how good they are there. Howard played the tape where Stuttering John was telling Anna to just get on the scale. Benjy got up and told John to leave her alone. He yelled at John to leave her alone because she doesn't want to do it. He wanted to fight John over it. John asked if he was in love with her or something. Howard said that's pretty good acting there. He said he's a regular Daniel Day Loser.
Howard played more of the audio when Benjy was defending Anna and asked if she wanted to go into the bathroom with him now. She said she didn't but she would go out to dinner with him. Howard said that was the best. Howard said maybe they should pass on the dinner and go out and exercise. Howard was still trying to get her to get on the scale.
Howard said Benjy could have had Anna Nicole. Howard said she's been gone for a while now. Howard asked how her kid is doing. Benjy said they put her in a TV ad. Howard said Anna pulled herself together after that Benjy thing. He said that may have been her low point. Howard said Benjy helped her. Howard spent a minute on that but he had to take another break. Howard said he has so much good stuff to get to.
Howard played more of the audio and the guy was talking about the asshole and how we were taught not to enjoy it as we grew up. Howard said he sounds like that tickling guy Yaqi. Howard said they should be open minded and all touch their assholes now. Howard played more audio of the guy talking about the inflamed hemorrhoids that he had and how he has learned to relax and heal his asshole. Howard said this must be very exciting for him. Robin mentioned Riley Martin's ''Hugh Jassole'' prank that some fan pulled on him. Fred played that clip of Riley saying ''Hugh Jassole'' and ''Willie Fistergash.''
Howard played more of the the tape and the guy was talking about the massage thing and what it can do for an erection. Fred threw in some clips of Ronnie making weird noises while that played.
Howard played another clip of the guy talking about the good places to do a self massage. He was talking about doing it in a warm shower or laying on your back in a bed. Howard said he must be on this guy's wavelength because he gets what he's saying. He said this was getting very dark though.
Howard played a clip of this guy talking about his sphincter and how it's under our conscious control. Fred started playing Richard Simmons audio clips where he's yelling for Gary and asking where he is.
Howard wondered what he's saying about the sphincter. He played more of the clip and the guy was talking about using lube. Howard said he just shit his pants getting so relaxed from listening to this. The guy was saying that he likes to use coconut oil when he massages his sphincter. Robin asked why they were even doing this. She wondered what we're going to get out of it. Howard said he was going to get Gary's 4,000 pieces of vinyl and shove them in there. Fred said ''There goes my picture disc!''
Howard said he really has to take a break. He was just teasing with this. He said he's stuck in the sphincter now.
Howard played more of the tape and the guy was talking about using slow strokes instead of fast strokes. He said the prostate is about 2 inches inside the anus. Howard stopped it and said that's pretty far in there. Howard said if he relaxes enough he might be able to get his finger all the way in there to the prostate area. Howard said this is kind of working. He said he just swallowed his whole chair. Howard asked how he's going to get this thing out.
Fred threw in a George Takei clip where he was making a weird noise. He threw in the ''Hi Mommy'' clip from that homeless guy.
Howard said he's not sure what this is about. He said these guys must want to feel like a woman by being entered.
Howard played more of the tape and asked JD if the guy is teaching for actually doing it. JD said there is a guy demonstrating it on the tape. Howard asked if he tried it. JD said no. He said there was one guy who was able to stick his own dick inside his asshole. Howard said that must be a master to the host.
Howard said if you keep this up long enough you should be able to get your own head shoved in your asshole. He added that this is a Worldwide Pants production. He let the clip play some more and said he has to get into this. He said they should have the staff watch this and test them on it.
Robin asked JD how he found this. JD said ''Huh?'' Howard said he wanted to find out about his asshole. JD said there's a web site that he doesn't know off hand. Howard said they should give the guy a plug. Robin asked if they can interview the creepy guy. JD said he thinks he's a professor somewhere. He might not want to be interviewed. JD said the web site has a lot of sexual massage clips on it.
Howard did an impression of the guy and then Fred threw in a Scott Salem clip where he says ''C'mon, fuck me in the ass!'' They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that the ZZ Top sounds like the speed is off. He asked if it's on vinyl. He said he really loves these guys. He said if he had to be in a band this would be one of the top 5. He said he'd have a big beard and dress cool too. Howard asked Fred what the best ZZ Top song is. Fred said he can't even tell him. Howard said he likes Tush. He asked Fred if that's about ass. Fred said it is. Howard told him to play a little bit of that. He said he likes La Grange too. Fred played Tush first. Howard said he wants to go back 20 years in his life and practice guitar. He said he would love to be able to play like that. He said he's not sure why he wasted so much time smoking weed when he should have been playing guitar. Robin said if he only knew then what he knows now.
Howard said that ass massage guy's video was on EroticMassage.com. He said you just have to search for ''Uranus Self Anal Massage.''
Robin told Fred to playa La Grange. Howard told him to do it. He introduced the song but Fred didn't have it ready. Fred said he had Phish's La Grange. Howard told him to just play that. Howard said he was digging that. He said it wasn't bad. Fred said you can't even fuck this song up. Howard said it's impossible to fuck it up.
Howard had Jon Leiberman come in with his news preview. Howard said he has a bunch of shit to get to. Fred found La Grange so he played that. Howard said he loves this song. Jon was in so Howard asked what he had to say.
Jon said Bobo's wife has stopped listening to the Stern Show. He said she's sick and tired of Bobo's unhealthy obsession with the show. Jon also said that Steve Brandano, in a Fine Time interview, promises that the Black Keys will end up o that couch there. Howard said he tried watching that Fine Time but he was bored with it. He said that it was more boring than Doug Goodstein's. Howard said they think that those interviews will get people to subscribe. Howard said that isn't happening with Steve Brandano being interviewed.
Howard said he worries about Jon sometimes. He said he hopes he does well in life. Howard had to quiet everyone down so he could listen to La Grange. Howard said he heard that Steve had 5,000 views of his Fine time. Howard said he finds that hard to believe. He said he must have his family and friends watch it.
Jon said that Lisa G was asked, if she had to have a threesome with someone on the staff, who she would pick and she went with Gary and Ronnie.
Fred played some other ZZ Top songs. Howard went through a few and tried to fine one he really liked. He said he there are so many good ones. He said he really has to get into a band. He said he hopes there is reincarnation so he can come back and play. He said he's going to go back in time like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future so he can help write a song.
Howard said he used to play the popular ZZ Top songs and that turns out to be the wrong thing to do. He said Meg Griffin was into the songs that were more obscure. Howard said he was just a douche to her. Howard said he always wanted into her pants. He said he could probably get her now though. Fred threw in some clips of Robin saying things like ''Fuck my tight little pussy'' as the ZZ Top song was played. Robin asked Fred to play ''Legs'' for her.
Howard got back to Jon and his news. Jon talked about this Jodi Arias story and what's going on with that. He was telling Howard about that story and Fred started playing ''Legs'' so Howard interrupted. Jon got back to it a short time later and told Howard what he thinks is going on with that case and what will happen. Jon also told Howard about what's going on with Amanda Knox's case.
Howard took a call from a guy who told them to play ZZ Top's ''Waiting For The Bus.'' Howard said Meg would have loved this guy. Howard said the more obscure it is the cooler you are. Howard said he thinks that he would invent this song if he went back in time. He said he loves that riff. He said he'd invent that riff. Howard listened to that song for a short time.
Howard said Fred should just play some music so they can chill out. Jon said they only have two hours left. Howard said he could do that. He said everyone played music back when he was starting out. He said now everyone talks so he should play music now.
Jon said that Ronnie is overjoyed that Cougar Town has been renewed after he appeared on the show. Jon said that Gary has some feet problems so he has been getting treatments. Howard said he has to talk to Gary off the air about that. Gary said it's killing him. Howard said he's been there and he knows what it's like. He said he'll talk to him about it off the air. Gary said he didn't have an operation but he did have a treatment. He said they took his blood and took out some stuff and injected it back into his feet. Howard said he went to a witch doctor. Gary said he went to a good doctor. Howard said he's the same guy who rubbed rocks on Robin to heal her.
Jon said that Benjy's new shoes have a foot high lift. Howard said he has that girlfriend who is very tall and he wants to be tall for her. Howard said he doesn't have to wear lifts. Benjy said he likes it. He said it's fun. Benjy said he's trying to do it slowly so it looks natural. Howard said he has to take his shoes off at some point. Jon said he struggles. Howard said he has an insecurity. Benjy said he might but you wouldn't say something to Chaz Bono about her issues. Howard said he's in the wrong conversation here. They played a song parody about talking to Benjy.
Jon said that Benjy has trouble walking through the halls. He tips over walking on those things. Howard took a look at them and said they look retarded. Howard said Benjy is just trying to get attention. He said he looks ridiculous.
Howard said they have the biggest asshole celebrity Bracket. Jon took off when he heard what that was. Gary said this isn't that easy.
Here are Howard's picks for the first round:
Howard went through all of those picks and explained why he was picking each one. Howard and the guys were pretty much agreeing on all of the picks. While they were talking they were talking about Robert Blake and how he wanted to come on the show. Gary said he spoke to him a few months ago and he wants to come on the show. Howard said he might have to pick OJ but then OJ liked him back in the day.
Robin said they weren't being fair about Amanda Peet either but Fred agreed and said he had an experience with her himself so trust him.
Howard also told Gary that he could make Johnny Carson the biggest asshole as soon as he heard the name. Howard said he thinks that he's the biggest prick asshole on the planet. Howard said the guy beat his wife. He said it was a different time back then. Gary said people looked away when he beat his wife at a party one time. Howard said his excuse was that he was drinking back then. Howard said beside that the fucker used to screw with comedians on the show. Howard said he saw that first hand. He said they had to do stand-up and then king Johnny would tell them if they could sit on the couch. Howard said he's not sure why people worship the guy. Howard said he wants Dave to come on and talk about it. Gary said they're on it. Howard said he wants to have Dave in there and ask him what he thinks of Johnny. He said no one stands up for Dave more than him and he's not sure why Dave doesn't come in there.
Gary moved on to the elite 8. Here are Howard's picks for those 8:
Howard and the guys went through those and talked about which ones to go with. Howard said he thought it was going to be between Sarah Palin and Johnny Carson. He almost went with Amanda Peet against Johnny Carson. He said she is a very big asshole but Johnny beats her. They moved on to the final four after that. Here are the final four:
Howard said he never thought that they'd have George W. Bush and OJ in the final. He said that OJ was a great football star and he was good in The Naked Gun series. Howard said Bush ruined this country. Howard said he will go with George W. Bush. He said he wins. Gary said he's sure that he'll get some hate mail about this. He said that he already saw some mail about what Howard has said about Sarah Palin. Howard said he had to take a break and go pee. Howard said he has more brackets to get to. He said there are Sandusky brackets. He played a bit they created where they had a Jerry Sandusky impersonator picking his favorite young boys. They were all child actors from the 1980s.
Howard came back in the middle of the prank call. He was commenting on it as it went along. The host of the show was going off on Howard Stern for having his people call the show.
Howard said it's time for him to come clean. He said a swap shop host mugged and killed his parents as a kid. He said that's how he became Batman.
Howard said they have a new prank call where Gary tries to sell vinyl on Swap Shop. Howard played the clip and it was Sal making a prank too a show called BizBaz. Sal said he had 4,000 pieces of vinyl to sell but the host knew Gary's name so he hung up on him. Howard said he's not easy to fool. Howard played another prank call the guys tried to make but the host recognized the voice. He thought it was Sal but it was actually Richard. Then they had Gary call in and try to sell his vinyl. Gary started reading off a huge list of the albums he had for sale. They hung up on him. The host said that Gary was just on Fallon the other night. He said that was a huge thrill for him to get that call. His co-host said it was horrifying for her.
Howard asked how he's fixed for money. The caller said he's doing okay but he could be doing better. Howard said he's going to let him play Richard's Dad This or That game. He said he has another game to play too but he's going with this one. He said the money is courtesy of The Voice on NBC.
Howard said they're going to play this game where the caller has to guess which thing Richard's dad is going to pick. He said he'll give him a sample question. They asked if he would rather shoot a chicken or chop its head off. The caller, Jim, said he thinks he'd rather chop it off. Howard said he thinks he's right. Howard played the answer and Richard's Dad said he'd rather shoot it but he has done both.
Howard said that was just practice. This is the real first question. They asked Richard's Dad if he would rather eat Taco Tico or deer meat. Jim said he's going to say that he would rather eat deer meat. Richard's Dad picked Taco Tico.
Howard played the next question which was ''would you rather step into a raccoon trap or get shot in the foot?'' Jim said he's going to go with the trap. Jim asked Fred to lock him in for that. Richard's Dad said he has done both but he would pick stepping in the trap. He said getting shot is more painful.
Howard played the next question which was ''Would you rather eat a turtle or a snake?'' Jim said that he's going to go with turtle. Howard said he thinks that he likes turtle. Jim went with that. Richard's Dad picked turtle.
Howard played the next question which was ''Would you rather get stabbed by a catfish fin or get bitten by a non-poisonous snake?'' Howard passed on that question. Richard's dad picked the snake. Howard didn't like the question for some reason so he just passed on it. He said he didn't know that catfish fins had poison on them. That's what Richard's Dad claimed in the clip.
Howard played the next question which was ''Would you rather be cornered by a rattlesnake or a rabid possum?'' Howard wasn't sure about that one. Jim said he's not sure which to go with. He ended up picking the possum. Richard's Dad picked the possum.
Howard said Jim won the $500. Jim said he so deserves it. Howard said the money is courtesy of The Voice on NBC. Jim told Howard that he thinks David Letterman should come back on the show and do a blockbuster interview. Howard said he would really like to have a real conversation with him. He said he was going to put Jim on hold. He said they'll send him some cash.
Howard said he's in the middle of developing a TV show for Richard's Dad. He's going to call it Fear Factor with Richard's Dad. Robin said there's already a show out there like that called Man Vs. Wild.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he had a Sarah Palin joke. He asked what the difference is between her mouth and pussy. Howard asked what. The guy said only one retarded thing came out of her pussy. Howard laughed like Jackie. Fred threw in some Jackie laughs while the caller explained the joke that had already been explained. Howard asked if he's available for Jamie's Joke Hunt. The guy said he was. Howard played a Big Foot Jr. song as they were wrapping up that call.
Howard said Sal called a record store and asked the owner if she has ever heard anyone call records ''pieces of vinyl.'' Gary came in and said that the Wall Street Journal called them that in a story about a bunch of vinyl that was lost in a fire. Howard said Gary will never convince him. He said that he loves Gary. Gary asked him to repeat that and stopped him at ''I love you...'' Howard said he's just trying to help. He said he's trying to make him a better Gary. Gary asked if it's too late for that. Howard said he's never giving up on him. He's going to make a better Baba Booey.
Howard played a clip of some bobcats in heat growling at each other. Gary said it sounds like Benjy making those weird noises. Howard said it sounded like a porno.
Howard said he wanted to give a shout out to Hugh Jassole. He said he really wanted to give a shout out to Maria Davis who was on CNN talking about the late night shows and she's such a Howard Stern fan. Howard played the audio of her talking about him. She threw Howard's name into the discussion but they were ending the segment and the guy hosting the show thought he had just been Baba Booey'd. Howard said she was completely cut off in that clip. He said that's a disgrace.
Howard said he has a clip of Benjy screaming like those bobcats. Howard played the clip of Benjy screaming and it did sound like the bobcats. Howard said Benjy must be part bobcat. He said it would be less annoying to have a bobcat there in the studio. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin started off with a story about her friend Simone Dinnerstein who has a new album out. Howard asked if she's really plugging a friend. Robin said she thinks it's news that she has an album out that's not classical. Robin kept going with the plug and had Howard play a clip. Howard said he would put this on if he was relaxing his anus to that guy's video. Robin had a second clip to play. Howard said she should stop while she's ahead. Howard played the clip anyway. Howard talked about relaxing his sphincter to that song. He played the relaxed sphincter guy's video along to the Simone piano music. Robin had a third track for Howard to play. Howard asked if this is April Fools. Howard asked if she's hot and how old she is. Robin said she must be in her 30s. Robin told Howard about hanging out with Simone and what she's done. Howard saw a picture of her and started moaning to her.
Robin read a story about a skydiving instructor who tried to save the life of a student whose parachute didn't open. Robin said they have footage that shows him trying to help the other guy out but both died in their third jump of the day. Howard said he doesn't know why anyone would want to jump out of a plane like that. Robin said she thinks that when this kind of thing happens the brain cuts off before you hit so you don't know what's happening. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Alec Baldwin and how he was rehearsing for a play. One of his co-stars was Shia LeBouf. Robin said Shia backed out of the play because of a disagreement with Baldwin. Robin said they replaced him and Shia showed up in the front row for the play. Robin said they say that he gave the cast a standing ovation at the end. Robin said the play opens on April 18th.
Robin read about a kid who was celebrating his 18th birthday and went back home on the subway and they tried to cross the tracks by jumping them. The first kid made it. The kid celebrating his birthday was killed by a train. Howard said you'd think you'd have a lot of warning if the train is coming. Robin said she's not sure what condition the people were in at the time. Howard said he would never do anything like that. Howard said his mother always told him to avoid doing anything dangerous.
Robin read about this 17 year old kid who was in the news when Yahoo bought this app he created. Robin said people are laughing at Yahoo now and saying that the shareholders should be asking for an explanation. Howard said he never uses Yahoo. Robin said she uses Yahoo finance. Howard asked if she's playing the market. Robin said she's learning. She said she buys the Dow stocks mostly. She said she's looking for slow, steady growth. Howard said the Dow is down by 100 points this morning. Robin said that happens. She said she bought some Apple stock and it took a tumble. Robin said she bailed when she panicked. She said that she should have held on to it because it went back up. Robin said she made that money back up by investing in Dow stocks. She said she's up now.
Robin read some news about Nike taking Tiger Woods back and sponsoring him. Howard said that's what they're in business for. That led to Robin and Howard talking more about the stocks she's investing in. Robin said she may invest in Lululemon.
Robin read a story about the Seal Team that shot Osama bin Laden who claimed that they shot him in the head but they were actually given orders not to shoot him in the head so they could identify him. The shots were actually in the chest. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the President appointing the first female chief of the secret service. Robin said that she'll be replacing Mark Sullivan.
Robin read a story about a NY Giants player who was showing off his jewelry at a club and took a woman back to his hotel and got robbed. Howard asked if Dionne Warwick is giving him advice. Robin said that he took this girl to his hotel room and he claims that he put the jewelry in a safe in the room and fell asleep. When he woke up the safe was empty. He wasn't able to open it himself and had to have the hotel come up to open it for him.
Robin asked Howard if they should still have a attorney client privilege law if the lawyer dies. Howard said they should. Robin said it's not happening for someone who was involved with the Charles Manson crew. Robin said that the lawyer had tapes that are going to be released now that the lawyer is dead.
Robin read about the supreme court taking up arguments about the defensive marriage act today. Robin said that religious conservatives won't give up the fight to get the law overturned. Robin had some audio of a couple of people talking about that.
Robin read about how transgender patients in Colorado will be getting equal health insurance. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that. Robin went through some other news and Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a guy who was soliciting models on Craigslist and then attacked them in a ''Playroom.'' Robin had some audio of a woman explaining what went on with this guy. Robin said this was his next door neighbor talking about what he was doing to these women.
Robin read about a 4 1/2 year old boy in Union, New Jersey whose mother died and he lived with the decomposing body for about a week. Robin said he was in there for almost a week alone and he was very emaciated when they found him. Howard said he's surprised that never happened to him. Robin said his dad would have showed up. Robin said a maintenance worker went to check on a foul odor and found the boy. Robin said they're looking for other relatives to care for the child. Robin said there was food in the refrigerator but he wasn't able to open the door.
Robin read a story about a woman who died on a cruise ship. The husband says that she was lifeless on the bed and they're investigating. Robin said the crew won't talk about what was going on because they had to keep the passenger on board. Robin had some audio of someone talking about how it was said that it was a murder suicide at first.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he knows Howard got a couple pair of shoes that he liked when he wasn't able to find them. Howard said they were Asics and he was able to call them and get more. He said you have to know someone. The caller said he has a pair of Nike Shox that are great but they don't make them anymore. Howard said they have to change but some of them should never be changed. He said it's sad that they do that.
Howard said he'd like to know where Benjy got his lift sneakers. He said they're just huge soles on them. Benjy said he and Lisa made them with a shoe store. Howard said they look horrible on him. Howard said they have a picture of them up on HowardStern.com.
Robin read some news about Amanda Knox and what's going on with her case in Italy. Robin said they could try her in absentia and determine if she has to go back. Robin said they can try her forever if they want to. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon asked Scott if he thinks that Palin was in there unfairly too. Scott said she couldn't read a magazine and she got put in there unfairly. JD said that she was in there for a lot more than that. Scott said she ran a damn state. He said she does some interviews that are controversial that they don't like but he doesn't think that what she said about being close to Russia and all of that. He said JD has said a lot more dumb stuff than that.
Scott said at least Sarah Palin can form a sentence. JD said he can too. Scott said all you have to do is get JD angry and he can form a sentence.
Jon asked JD about his poem to Katy Perry and JD was trying to come up with something to say but he just mumbled something.
Jon and Scott were still arguing about Sarah Palin. Scott said he thinks that she's qualified to be president. Jon said he has to be lying. He said he knows he doesn't feel she's qualified. Scott said she blew an interview or two. JD said ''... or three.''
Jon asked JD if he has been contacted by Katy Perry yet. JD said he will give him and update and that update is ''no.'' Jon went to break after that.
Jon said Benjy is there and he was very involved with the show today. Jon said that he started with the psychic discussion. Jon asked if he was conflicted with that whole thing. Benjy said he's good at talking to people and giving advice. He said he did feel bad about what he was doing. He said he didn't feel right about the medical issues or people who were going broke. Jon asked if he feels he has psychic powers. Benjy said he thinks it probably exists and he's good at reading people. He said he's not sure it's psychic as a magical thing that they think it might be.
Jon asked Benjy who he thinks on the staff thinks that psychic abilities are real. Benjy said Richard and Sal are a couple. He said JD might be open to it too. Jon asked if Robin is. Scott said girls believe in that crap all the time. Jon asked why he thinks that is. Scott said he guarantees that more women go than men. Benjy asked what psychic means to him. Scott said it's a whack job. He said it's a made up thing. Benjy asked what people who believe in it think it is. Scott said people think they can read you and feel your aura. Benjy asked if he thinks that the brain puts out anything that other people can read. Scott was just laughing at what he was saying. Jon said that he doesn't believe in it.
Jon brought up the story that led up to Benjy and the Anna Nicole thing. He said that they had played the audio of the guy who set up the fake rape. Jon asked Benjy if he had fun doing that Anna Nicole thing. Benjy said he did. Scott said he forgot about that segment. He said thought Stuttering John believed what was going on. Benjy said it was his idea and Howard liked it. He said John was really in on it. Scott said John is a better actor then Benjy is then. He said John looked like he was ready to fight. Benjy said he thought Robin was great in it.
Jon said Robin started her news off with that story about her friend's album. He said she took some shots at Benjy's girlfriend too. Benjy said he's not sure why she would do that. He said he believes in Elisa's stuff and he's not sure why Robin has to put her down.
Jon asked what the guys thought of Robin leading off the news with the plug. Scott said if anyone else did that they'd be called out on it. Jon said Howard called her out on it. Benjy said he likes hearing what Robin is into. Scott said it had nothing to do with the show and it was a blatant plugs for her. Benjy said that he thinks she was just trying to help a friend. He didn't think it was a big deal. Scott said it's weird. They had to take another break after that.
Jon asked Benjy what he thought. Benjy said his voice was very funny. He said he liked listening to him and he thinks that he had some good points about getting maximum pleasure. He said he'd like to touch his ass like that too. JD said that's something that takes a lot of time and involvement. He said he'd rather just jerk off and get it over with. He doesn't need stuff going up there.
Benjy said you get pleasure when you clean your ass in the shower. JD said he doesn't really. Benjy said it feels nice. Gary said they're headed down the rabbit hole.
Jon brought up Benjy's shoes and asked if he's doing it for attention. Benjy said he likes the look. He said he told Elisa about it and she said she could get it done in like 2 seconds. He said he has worn them for about a year now. He said they were black though. He said they made new ones. Gary said they're pretty tall. Benjy said he wants it to look natural so he's going up just a little bit of time. Benjy said he feels really weird when he doesn't wear them. Gary said he's pretty short without them. Benjy said he's like 5'8'' or so. Gary said he thinks he's about 5'6'' tall. Benjy said it might be in that range. He said he would like to be as tall as Howard.
Gary said Benjy said he's been wearing them so long he looks at short people and thinks they look like slobs now. Benjy said he thinks that Gange looks like a short, dumpy guy now.
Jon asked Gary about his feet. Gary said he has to talk to Howard about that this weekend. He said they're really painful. He said he had this procedure done and it seems to be working. He can't work out though.
Jon said that Howard wasn't a big fan of Steve's ''Fine Time'' interview. Steve said he saw that coming. He said he thought it was a little too much of him. Gary asked if he feels weird about the Black Keys becoming the bud of the joke on the show all the time. Steve said he does feel bad about that. He said it comes up all the time now. They had to end the show after that. They were done at 11:00am.
Siobhan The Transsexual Comes In. 03/28/05. 9:00am
Howard brought up this guy Siobhan who used to come on the show years ago and talked about getting a sex change operation. He bailed out on getting the sex change operation at one time but then ended up getting the operation. Gary said that he made the mistake of calling Siobhan ''He'' while he was talking to him.
Howard had the guys bring Siobhan in. Gary said that he looks the same as he did years ago but he has started to show some age. Siobhan said that ''she'' is going to be a grandmother soon. Her voice was a little higher than it used to be so Howard asked him what was up with that. She has been trying to raise it up a bit to sound more like a woman and that's just the way she sounds. Siobhan has lost a lot of his hair as well so she said it's looking pretty bad. She has this ''hideous mutant mullet'' hair that she pulled out from under the bandanna she was wearing. Artie said she looks like Sigorney Weaver. Howard asked Siobhan how painful the sex change operation was. She said that it was bad and she was in the hospital for 9 days. Howard wanted to see what's going on down there but Siobhan warned him that it wasn't done yet so it was going to look bad. He said that he hasn't had the labiaplasty done on him yet. She was showing Howard some stuff and Howard noticed how big his hands were. Howard wasn't sure if he wanted to see it or not after she talked about it a little bit. Howard heard that Siobhan owes $22,000 for the operation and he owes it to her brother. She said that she's worried about her brother losing his house because he can't afford to pay that money. She's looking to get back into nude modeling at art schools to make some money but Howard and Gary weren't sure how that was possible.
A phone caller said that he slept with a post-op transsexual one time and it wasn't that bad. He said the worst part was when he woke up after a nap and saw a beard growing on the woman he slept with. Howard took some other phone calls after that. One guy asked Siobhan how she could take the money from her brother if she knew she couldn't afford it. Siobhan said that she's paid up through June and might be able to make the July payment but the next five years it's going to be hell for her. Howard said he could give her $500 cash to help out if she showed them what's going on down below. She mentioned that she had a culture done down below that ended up smelling like some kind of cheese. She was also saying that she has some nasty hemorrhoids because she's got Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Howard wasn't sure he wanted to look at the thing by himself so he made Artie look at it. Siobhan pulled down her pants and showed the guys what she had done down there. She said that it was beautiful but the guys said it was pretty bad. Gary said that the doctor must have missed by about a foot or so. Artie said that it kind of stunk in there and he wasn't sure where the smell was coming from.
Howard remembered some of the stuff that Siobhan did years ago. He had defended him at a party one time and Siobhan ended up sending him some creepy letters about how they were going to have a life together once his wife was out of the way. Howard said that he was going to give Siobhan $1000 to help him out. He also had Siobhan's daughter Helene come in so he could meet her. Howard asked her if she's okay with all of this stuff that her father has done. She seemed okay with it but didn't want to see her vagina after Howard asked her about that. Zolar called in and started to call Siobhan some names so Howard hung up on him. Another guy called in and called Siobhan a freak and went off on her for a short time. Howard figures that Siobhan must get that kind of stuff all day long. Ralph called in a little later and said that maybe Howard should start a fund for Siobhan because he's obviously disturbed and needs help. Siobhan said that she's not disturbed and she was never a man. She was a woman from the day she was born.
Howard said it was kind of funny that Yucko the Clown was there to sit in for the news but there wasn't going to be any news because Robin wasn't there. Howard said if Yucko met Siobhan he'd go nuts. He had the guys bring him in a short time later so Yucko could meet Siobhan. Yucko came in and immediately asked ''What the hell is that?'' Yucko goofed on Siobhan a little bit and said that she was disgusting. Siobhan pointed out that Yucko's outfit was disgusting because he hasn't washed it in years. Howard had to take a break so he wrapped up with Siobhan and went to break.
Robin getting another colonic this weekend. 3-27-96. Howard asked Robin when her next colonic was coming up. She told him that she'll be getting the colon wash this weekend. Some doctor called in to tell Robin why she's got this thing about keeping her 'hole clean. He says it's probably because of her molestation as a child. He also says that after one cleaning, the colon stays pretty clean and it's not necessary to do it over and over again. Robin disagreed and wouldn't let the guy get a word in. Howard told Robin to shut up and let the guy talk. She was saying that doctors prescribe all these medications that damage other organs. She went nuts on the poor guy.
In the clip Howard read a letter he got from a listener who said she used to like the show but now she's going to stop listening because of the commercial for his tape. Howard read about how he was bragging about his artwork for Crucified by the FCC and how offensive that is. The woman said that just because he doesn't believe in the solemnity of the Crucifixion doesn't mean he should be proud of that. Howard said the woman says that just because he's Jewish doesn't give him the right to insult people's moral convictions. Howard said he doesn't disrespect them. Howard said they might end up banning that cover. It'll be worth a lot of money if they do that. Howard said he's carrying the cross in the art work.
Howard read more of the letter and the woman was talking about how she thinks he's trying to see how far he can push people with insults. The woman said she won't listen to the show again because of this. Howard said this woman is not going to have his family listen anymore either.
Howard said there are people trying to ban this cover but they have already printed some and they will mail out. Howard said he can't promise that they won't ban them though so you have to order before they stop production.
after an edited out break Howard came back and said Gary has the woman who wrote that letter on the phone. Howard picked up and said she must have wanted them to call because she left her number. The woman said that she wrote that letter on a dare. She said she does not listen to the show anymore. Howard said he doesn't believe that.
Howard said this woman calls him a Jew but he's only half Jewish. Howard said maybe he loves Jesus and he feels like Jesus. The woman said that Howard is not Christ and he can't say that. Howard said maybe he is. Howard said she doesn't know that he isn't. Howard said she has no right telling him that posing next to a cross is wrong. Howard said this is the kind of woman who gets him banned from things. He said it just takes one woman. He said that they're going to ban this cover because of one woman.
Robin said this woman hasn't even seen the cover. The woman said she's right. She said she heard about it though and she was almost going to buy the tape until she heard Howard talking about the cover. The woman said she heard about the cover and turned the radio off and stopped listening to the radio.
Howard said crucifixion is not just for Christ. Howard said there were a lot of people who died on the cross. Howard said now she's saying that anyone who is on a cross is evil. She said that's not what she said. She said Howard said he was depicted like Christ. Howard asked what's wrong with that. The woman said that he can spread the word of Christ if he wants to but this is not right. Howard asked if anyone can stand next to a cross depicted as Christ. The woman said that he took something like dying on the cross and he talks about it in a way that's not right.
Howard asked where she grew up. He said she's so uptight about this religious stuff and she's so caught up in it. The woman said she's really not. She said she believes in her convictions. She said she can get past Howard's dirty talk but as a Christian she shouldn't even be listening to him. Howard said he's not sure what he did that was so wrong. The woman said that he made himself out to look like Christ.
Howard said this woman is very nice but she's really not prepared to listen to the show. She said it's not that she's not ready. Robin said most people aren't ready. Howard asked what her SAT scores were. She didn't say. Howard said she really isn't ready for this show. He said she can't handle satire. She said he should leave God out of it. Howard said she knows how to handle god but he doesn't. Howard said her letter is the only one he got about this subject. He said he has other mail about other subjects but this is the only one about this.
Howard noticed that someone else just picked up a phone in her house. Howard said maybe it was Jesus. The woman said that was not Jesus. Howard asked how she knows. He said she's so religiously uptight. Howard said he can't talk about God in a humorous way. The woman said that his son died on the cross and Howard is making fun of that. Howard said maybe they're laughing along with it. She said she doesn't think so. Howard said she doesn't know though. He said he doesn't think God gives a damn about what he does. Howard said even if he was on the cross he might not care.
The woman asked if Howard knows why he died on the cross. Howard said he did so she'd have a story to believe in. The caller said Howard isn't dying on the cross. Howard said she just needs something to hold on to. He said she should get over it.
Howard asked if she really thinks that Moses parted the sea. He asked where he is now if people have powers like that. She said they're still here. Howard told her to lave him alone and let them deal with him then. Howard told her to never listen to the show again. He said she can't handle it.
The woman, who said her name is Michelle, told Howard she doesn't like hearing people even saying the name Jesus Christ in front of her. She said it offends her. Howard asked if everyone should know that. Michelle said that's just what she feels. Howard said maybe he can send her the tape without the cover on it. Michelle said that if he never talks about it again maybe she will. Howard said he can't do that.
Howard said he can't convince this woman. He said he's giving up. Howard said she can't have the thing without the cover. Howard said he's going to give her a word association. Howard said ''God.'' Michelle said she doesn't want to do this. She refused to answer. Howard said she's fine with him talking about bowel movements but not god. She said she knows it's weird but that's the way she feels.
Howard wished Michelle luck and told her not to listen to the show anymore. He said she's doing the right thing. Howard said she can't listen anymore. He said that her boyfriend shouldn't encourage it either. Howard asked why she's with her boyfriend if he makes her listen. She said it was just on and they listened. She said he didn't make her listen. Howard said he might be a sinner. Michelle said we're all sinners. Howard said he never sinned. He asked what he did to sin. She said that Jesus never would have died on the cross if we weren't sinners. Howard said she doesn't know that he did. Howard said she never even read the whole bible. She said she didn't read the whole thing.
Howard said Michelle has no idea what it's like to be religious. Howard said he doesn't sin. He asked what sins she's committed. Howard asked if she's murdered anyone. She said she hasn't done any major sins. Howard asked if she fornicated. Michelle said that's none of anyone's business. Howard said he can't think of one thing that's a sin in his life. Howard said he must be Jesus. Howard said he has fornicated and there's no way that's a sin. He said none of us would be there if we didn't fornicate.
Michelle told Howard that blasphemy is a sin. Howard told her to stop listening to the show and go read the bible. Howard asked if she wants to end this now. She said she had to get back to doing something. Howard let her go a short time later and went to break.
Jeff The Drunk Will Not Be A Carpenter. 03/28/07. 6:45am
Howard had Jeff the Drunk back on the phone. He asked him if he's going to do the carpenter thing that Bill Keller told him to do. Jeff said that he's not going to do that. Artie asked him to please not do that because he could screw up any house he builds. Jeff went off on Artie for treating him like crap. Meanwhile, Artie sends the guy money he doesn't even deserve.
Jeff said that he wanted to be a carpenter before his accident so he can't be a carpenter with one arm. Jeff said he can't even hang a picture with one arm. Artie said Jeff wouldn't be tolerated for a minute on a job site. Robin said maybe he could make furniture or something. Artie asked him what kind of skills he's got because maybe he could do something like that.
Howard said that there are a lot of people out there who could do things without arms or legs and Jeff would have to be able to do something like that. Howard said that maybe Jeff could use his dead arm as a hammer or something like that.
Fred asked Jeff if he had a real job before that accident that paralyzed his arm. Jeff said he didn't, he was just 18 when he had the accident. Artie asked Jeff how he felt after that show he did with Bill Keller. Jeff said he felt nothing. Howard said it's too bad people can't pay Jeff to just stand around and drink. He said maybe someone could pay him to be a chair. Artie said that when you pay for a chair, you only have to pay once and they work forever though.
Howard said that it's too bad Jeff can't be a human door stop or something. Artie said that's what Jeff was at the grocery store he was working at. Jeff said he was more than a door stop, he had to open the door. Robin said they replaced Jeff with a computer. Artie said he was replaced by a cinder block. Jeff said it wasn't a cinder block, it was a computer. Artie said it's the same thing, the computer just tells the cinder block where to stand.
Robin said that maybe Jeff could do some painting and do those faux finishes or something. Jeff said he can't climb a ladder so that's out of the question. Fred said that maybe he could be a security guard. Artie said if that happens, he has a couple of buddies he'll tell to go there.
Jeff made an odd sound while he was listening to the guys. That led to Artie talking about some of the other odd noises he makes when he's talking and gave some demonstrations of that. Jeff changed subjects and gave them an idea for a song parody on the show. Howard said that maybe Jeff could be a scare crow. He asked Jeff if he'd do that. Jeff laughed and said that won't happen. Howard told him he really should take Bill Keller's offer and try to be a carpenter. He thanked Jeff for the call and told him to give it a try.
Jessica Hahn called in and said that Jeff should do some voice work. She also said that Beth was very smooth on that show yesterday and she would be great as a regular. Howard said that she got kind of quiet during The View because she was thinking about how over analyzed she is in everything she does. Artie said she got a good write up in that NY Post article though. The article was very positive. Jessica thought that she did a great job too and she didn't over do anything on the show. Howard thanked her for that and let her go a short time later.
Howard wrapped up with Eric the Midget and said that they'll talk to him tomorrow about what goes on. Eric said that he thought that the only job Jeff would be good at is beer taster. There were no laughs at all after that. Artie told him to listen to the replay and maybe he'd heard the laughs that were missing from the live show.
More Practice Jeopardy For Robin. 3/28/97. 8:35am
Today Richard Belzer and Geraldo came in to play against Robin at Jeopardy. Robin will be doing the real Jeopardy on April 6th. Geraldo came in with Christopher Darden. Howard didn't know that Darden was coming in so he didn't really have anything for him to do. He invited him in to turn the cards over when the answers are picked. Well they went pretty quickly through the game an Robin ended up wining once again. She had $2600 and Geraldo blew all of his money with the final question. Richard Belzer had $-200 so he wasn't even in contention. It'll be interesting to see what actually happens on the real Jeopardy.
Raymond The ''Oprah Winfrey Negro Woman Of The South'' Guy. 3/28/02. 9:30am
A couple of weeks ago Howard played a tape that this guy Raymond sent to Oprah Winfrey. Raymond was pissed at Oprah because she didn't respond to his mail. He taped himself yelling at her and sent a copy to her and to Howard. In the tape he calls Oprah ''negro woman of the south'' over and over again. Here's an excerpt from the MarksFriggin.com archives from 2/13/02... Howard received this audio tape from a guy who is upset with Oprah Winfrey for some reason. The guy sent a copy of a tape he sent to Oprah after she didn't respond to a couple of pieces of certified mail he sent to her. Howard played the tape and the guy goes off on Oprah calling her ''Oprah Winfrey, Negro woman of the south.'' He said that he had her on his wall as a role model at one time but since she wasn't responding to his certified mail he finds her disgusting now. The guy kept repeating key phrases throughout his tape and Howard found it fascinating. The guy kept saying the ''negro woman of the south'' line and kept saying that he's ''keeping it real'' over and over again. He also repeated that he was disgusted with her over and over again. He also told Oprah some of his current role models but he kept calling Harvey Firestein ''Harvey Finestein.'' The tape must have been 5 minutes long but he could have said it all in 30 seconds if he didn't repeat himself so much. Howard played the whole tape and couldn't get enough of it. The guy admitted he was gay during his ranting. Howard said he sounded like a cross between Ru Paul and John Hinkley. Howard told Robin that she should pose as Oprah and call the guy to goof on him.
Howard had to meet the guy so he came in today. Howard talked to him about the history of his tape and why he sent this stuff to Oprah. Ray said that he'd sent some ideas to her by registered mail a couple of times and she didn't even acknowledge the fact that he sent the stuff. He then got upset and sent this tape to her.
After talking to Ray about that for a short time he talked about Ray's man-boobs. Ray calls himself an ''effeminate male'' who has natural breasts brought on by the use of hormones... but he also has a moustache. He said he's not trying to be a woman by dressing in drag or anything like that, he's just an effeminate male.
Howard let Raymond ramble on and on about his wacky ideas for TV shows for a while. Raymond said that he's got a lot of ideas for his own TV talk show too. He and Howard discussed that idea for a short time. Howard said he'd like to make a film about Ray's mission to meet Oprah. After the interview Howard said he still didn't know why Raymond was upset with Oprah.
Various Stuff. 3/28/01. 6:05am
Howard said yesterday's show wore him out. He learned so much from it. He was also surprised that Ed the polygraph guy gave up near the end of the show and refused to give Dominic Barbara his test.
Fred said he has accepted the results of his test and now he sounds gayer than ever.
Comedian Doug Stanhope (DougStanhope.com or DisgustingPig.com) is today's special guest funny man. Howard said that he's played some of Doug's material before and he'll be playing more today. Howard said that Doug is famous for sleeping with waitresses at comedy clubs. One time he had 4 of them at one time. Doug said he lucked into that one. He said he was just in the right place at the right time.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 9:00am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:55am.