|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
Howard started the show talking about how he was talking to Gary and Jon about the movie ''Lone Survivor'' which was directed by his friend Peter Berg. He said he saw him on Wednesday. He said Peter invited him to come see the movie. He said they went out to dinner and watched the movie. Howard said he'd recommend the movie highly. Howard said they did a piece about it on 60 Minutes last night. The movie is about a group of Navy SEALS that let a goat herder go and they all end up dead other than one guy. Howard said that's the rules of engagement so that's what they do. Howard said that you have to see the movie.
Robin asked what the rules of engagement mean. Howard said that if you come across anyone unarmed you can't kill them. Robin said we need to change the rules then. Howard said the people over there have a code too because they saved the one guy who came into their little group. Howard said the movie is really good. He said the violence is so realistic. He said they can glam that up in Hollywood but Pete did a really good job with this. He said Mark Wahlberg is in the movie. He said the best way to get a screening is to have a friend who makes the movie. Howard said that he had no one else in the theater. Howard said it was beautiful.
Howard said the thing is that there is so much on TV that's worth watching that you need a really good reason to go out to the theaters to see it. Howard said that's what Bob Lefsetz says. Howard said he thinks this movie could get nominated for an Oscar. He said it's that good.
Robin mentioned a movie that Matthew McConaughey is in and how he's working a lot lately. Howard said he liked him better when he was just a guy who had his shirt off a lot.
Howard said they're saying that Carrie Underwood did a great job with the Sound of Music special that ran the other day. He said they say she can't act but she sure can sing. Howard said that the soundtrack for the original was a big hit. Howard sang some of those songs to Robin.
Gary said he watched the whole Sound of Music thing. He said he's not sure why. Gary said Lucas kept walking by asking why he was watching. Gary said it was live TV and he wanted to see that. He said he was wondering how they pulled it off too. He said Carrie is a horrendous actress but then she'd sing and she was an amazing singer. Howard said she was live on TV and she didn't crack because she had American Idol experience. Gary said they were singing those hit songs more than once in the special. He said they kept coming up. Howard said that's like Neil Young who uses some of his stuff more than once in his songs.
Howard started singing ''Climb Every Mountain'' from the Sound of Music. Fred found the music for the song and had that for him to sing to. Howard sounded like he was singing like his dad in the song. He had Fred laughing at him. Howard was laughing at himself a couple of times. He started barking like he does when he does his Cousin Brucie impression too.
Howard said he loves to sing. He asked Fred if he had another song from the Sound of Music. Gary and Robin were throwing out names of songs and Howard would sing a few seconds. Fred found the music for ''16 Going on 17'' so Howard was singing that for everyone. Howard said he has no lyric sheet for that. Howard asked how he did. Robin said he did fine for her money. Howard said that's because she didn't pay anything.
Gary said the male lead was treating it like a Broadway play. He said he'd start singing to the audience. Robin said that was Steven Moyer from True Blood. Fred said he wasn't very good. Howard said he's surprised that they can remember the songs. Howard said he thought he did pretty good with that. Gary said he heard they rehearsed for 6 months before it aired.
Howard wondered what kind of money they got paid for doing that. Robin said they had 18 million viewers. She must have gotten a lot.
Howard started singing ''The Hills are Alive'' when Fred found the music for that one. Howard asked him to start it over so he could get it right. He said that it's not so easy. He said he didn't have the lyrics but if he did he could have done better. Gary said he was printing them out. Howard said he's going to be done by the time he gets them.
Fred started playing ''Raindrops on Roses'' but Howard just got the lyrics for The Hills are Alive. Howard said he just got one lyric and it's been 15 minutes since he started. He said they must have a really slow printer there.
Howard had Fred start ''The Hills Are Alive'' over again. He had the lyrics to sing this time. Howard said he didn't like this arrangement though. He gave up after the first line.
Howard had ''A Few of my Favorite Things'' to sing too. Howard had Fred play the music for that so he could sing. Howard did that one for a little longer than the last song.
The caller said it seems like Kirstie Alley's interview made the news more than Nelson Mandela's death did. Howard said he thinks that he's right. Howard said he's sorry that they did that. Howard said the 60 Minutes piece on Mandela was good. He said it was very short though. He said he should have waited 3 or 4 days to die.
Howard said Nelson Mandela had a great obituary in the NY Times. He said it was like 5 pages long. He said that there were some interesting things about him in the article. Howard said the guy was enslaved in his own country.
Howard said Mandela spent 27 years of his life in prison. He said that's a long time. Howard said a lot of people were on the side of the government over there. Howard said when Mandela got out of prison and became the President, he put his anger aside. Howard said he even invited his former jailers into the government. Howard said he wasn't going to go on a killing spree or anything. Howard said he just wanted a South Africa that was free for everyone. Howard said that's what blew him away. He said that was his genius. Howard said that the soccer players over there were all white and Mandela showed up at the games to unite everyone. Howard said they did a movie about that. Gary said it was called ''Invictus.''
Howard said he has a clip to play that Robin will love. Howard said he was thinking about Mandela being in prison for 40-some years. Robin said he stuck by his principles. She said some friends of her's went to South Africa and told her about this place he was at for those 27 years and it was amazing.
Howard said he has a clip of this woman who calls into The Forum on an NPR station. Howard said they were taking about Nelson Mandela and this woman who calls in thinks that Morgan Freeman is actually Nelson Mandela. Howard played the clip and the woman was talking about what a great actor he was as well as being a great peace maker. The host told her that she was thinking about the actor who played Mandela in the movie. She realized her mistake as she was about to ask another question and said ''Never mind...''
The caller said he thinks that Howard will be remembers as the guy who dated Anna Nicole when he dies. Howard said he might be right but he hopes not.
Howard played a prank call the guys made to a radio show using Underdog Lady clips. They had her talking to Shuli and getting upset about someone performing in a parade instead of her. The host of the show was giving her advice on who to talk to. They had Underdog saying that she still likes cats and stuff like that and the host kept consoling her. Then they called back and had Underdog sing to the host. One of the women on the shows thought that it was a man doing a woman's voice on the show. Howard said if you lecture them on that stuff they'll just keep calling.
Howard said he has a game where they have to guess who said something, Underdog or Lisa G. Howard said he doesn't have the quotes. Howard said Gary does that a lot. He takes the games with him after he tells him about them.
Gary came in and said he thought Howard wanted him to do the game. Howard told the caller to tell him who said this... ''Easter candy is the best candy of all year.'' The caller said that was Lisa G and he was right. that was just a practice question.
Howard said the next one is ''My lunch is an apple and a couple of raisin boxes.'' The caller wasn't sure on that one. Howard said that could be Lisa G. The caller said that's what he's going with. Howard said if he gets this one right he wins the tickets. He said the list of people who are coming to the show is getting really good. He said you can win tickets from SiriusXM.com or HowardStern.com. Howard said the caller was wrong with that answer. He said it was actually Underdog.
The caller said that every other dick head in the world gets a second chance. Howard said he'll do that. He said ''I used to love rolling down hills'' is the next quote. The caller said that has to be a trick question. He said he thinks that's a Lisa G quote. Howard said he is 100 percent right on that one. Howard said he has won tickets to the birthday show. Howard said they'll see him there. The caller thanked him for that. Howard said he lets you play until you win. He said he's a sucker. Howard said that's why he can't be a game show host. He said he'd just give it all away.
Howard said Jimmy Kimmel, Drew Friedman and Jeff Ross were going back and forth in an email and Drew drew a picture of Jeff doing a show. Howard said someone said something about Jeff doing a roast of Mandela and Jeff said he didn't want to upset his brother ''Howie Mandela.'' Howard said it was a long way to go for a Howie Mandel joke. Howard said he had to go to break after that. He said that John Goodman is coming in. Robin said he was in Roseanne and others. Howard asked what else he's been in. Robin mentioned a few things. She didn't just know Roseanne. Robin said he was in The Big Lebowski and Damages among other things. Howard said Angel the Blow Job queen is coming in today too. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and asked if Fred played a song already. Fred said he did. He told him he played the John Lennon song. Howard said that they were playing a John Lennon song on Deep Tracks and he thinks that song was the best. Howard and Fred were singing that for a second.
Howard said that John Goodman is there. He said he's looking skinny too. Howard said he must have lost a ton of weight. John said he goes up and down. Howard told him to sit down. John let out a sigh of relief as he sat down.
John told Howard that he was shooting a Foot Locker commercial in Phoenix when he heard about John Lennon's death. Howard said that's when Howard Cosell announced it. Howard said he didn't have the best delivery for something like that. Howard and John talked about Lennon's death and how much different Paul McCartney's life would have been if John had lived. Howard said that he may not have been able to go out the way he has over the years. John mentioned that Saturday Night Live once offered them $3,000 to get back together.
Howard said speaking of Saturday Night Live, John is hosting this week. Howard said John is particularly good at doing that show. Howard said John actually auditioned to be on the show back in 1980. John said he's glad he didn't get the job. He said he gave a suck ass audition. He said he was waiting for the phone to ring anyway. He said he thought his life was going to change. Howard said they were going through a lot of changes over there at that time. Lorne Michaels was gone by then.
John said he was a big Lampoon freak back then. He said that it was a bunch of Lampoon guys writing for the show back then. He said he did a character for the show of a kid doing his homework. Howard said Jean Doumanian was there hiring people. Howard said a lot of people tried out for the show like Paul Reubens, John Goodman and a bunch of others. He said they were all rejected though.
Howard asked when John was last on SNL. John said he can't remember. He said the first time was in 1989 though. He said that he isn't sure who asked him to be on since they went through his publicist. John said that he worshiped those guys over there when the show was starting out. He said Phil Hartman was on when he did the show in 89. Howard asked what happens when he's never hosted before. John said they didn't come up with anything when he went in the first night. He said they had pitch meetings and by Wednesday they had the material and the read through. John said he was hoping for a rare earthquake to hit that week. He really didn't want to do it.
Howard said he was asked to do the show and he didn't want to do it. He said that's just not his thing. He said it's very intimidating. Howard asked if he still worries about doing it. John said he does because he hasn't done it in 10 years. He said the kids are old enough to be his grand kids. He said he has a fart game show he wrote about 30 years but he won't bring that to the writer's meeting.
Howard asked if he ever met Belushi. John said he did meet him on the street one night. He was walking with a friend and he said something to him that made John look at him like he had shit on his shoe.
Howard asked if John ever thought he could write for Saturday Night Live. John said he could never do that. He said he had a friend who had a radio show 30 years ago and he used to write with him. He said he thought he had a future back then but he really didn't. He said he just can't do it. He said he has no talent.
Howard asked John if the acting thing was something that lived inside of him. John said he used to get kicked out of class and he'd go to the library and read plays. He said that he must have had it in him.
Howard asked if he used to play football. John said he did but he got in trouble for singing Hey Jude during laps. He said he hurt himself too and that's when he had to stop playing. He said he didn't have heart either. He said he didn't take it seriously.
Howard asked John if he went to college. John said he did and he did that to stay out of Vietnam. He said he was 6'2'' tall and he was like 11 pounds overweight to be in the Army. He said a friend of his starved himself to stay out. Howard said he didn't know he could do that. He said he would have eaten himself into staying out.
John said that people don't understand how it was back then. Howard said that his mother was afraid of what was going to happen. Howard said when you look back on World War II you'd want to fight that one. Howard said the Vietnam thing was different. John said it was just wrong and we had no business being there. Howard said that it had the greatest protest music of all time. He said that whole era of music was amazing. Howard said the music seemed more urgent at that time.
Howard asked John about his dad dying when he was only 2 years old. John said his sister was born 4 months later. Howard asked how old the guy was. John said he was like 34 and he died of a heart attack. John said he gets checked out all the time and he's fine. He said his cholesterol is fine and all of that. He said he was afraid that he was going to die at that age too.
Howard asked if his mom ever remarried. John said she went out with a couple of guys and one of them died of a heart attack. He said his mother had a hard time. He said he didn't appreciate it at the time. He said he just wanted a new toy. He said she was a great mom. He said she died about 10 years ago. Howard asked if it was freaky for him growing up. John said it was. He said that she dated a guy named Herman and he didn't like them at all.
John told Howard he wanted to be a DJ when he was in college. He said he went to try it out when he was in college. He said they had a guy named Johnny Rabbit who he listened to as a kid. Howard said they had Cousin Brucie there. He said you have to be mental to get into radio.
Howard asked John if he had any mental problems growing up. John said he had some depression issues. Howard said he knows that John is a perfectionist. He said that he wants to do the Babe Ruth movie over again. He said that he's not happy with it. John said he could have done a better job with it if he was sober. He said he'd like to take it more seriously. He said he did that during the summer between seasons of Roseanne.
John said that when he got serious about drinking was around the time he wanted to make a living as an actor. He said he was like 25 or so. He said he was drinking seriously around 1978. He said he couldn't afford it before then. He said he was going out with a girl who dumped him and he started drinking. He said Animal House had come out and he wanted to be like those guys. He said he hung out at a bar where a bunch of actors were hanging out. He said he was very ungrateful for the things that were happening to him. He said he gained like 100 pounds in that first year of drinking. Howard asked how many beers he could drink in a day. John said he didn't know but 20 was a number that he said he could drink.
Howard asked how long he's been married. John said it's been 24 years. He said that he got through all of that stuff thanks to her.
Howard said that John went to a class with Kathleen Turner. Howard said he must be jealous of her. John said he wasn't. He said he was happy for her. Howard asked if he thinks that he was an alcoholic because of his father dying so young. John said he thinks it was just built into him. He said there's something wrong with his brain. Howard said he always thinks it has to do with that trauma from his dad dying.
Howard asked if he's a weed guy. John said that he gets paranoid just like Howard does. He said he can't do it. John said he did try it but he can't do it now. Robin asked if he could fall off the wagon with the drinking. John said anything is possible but he has no desire to drink right now.
Howard asked John if Bruce Willis got a lot of pussy when he was a bartender. John said he did. He said the guy was a good looking guy. Howard asked if John got laid a lot too. John said he didn't care about women that much when he was drinking. He said he cared more about the booze than women.
Howard asked what his big break was. John said he did Raising Arizona but he had done a few other movies around that time. He said he had a great time at the audition for Raising Arizona. Howard asked how he prepares for an audition. John said they just hit it off at that audition. He said it was the Coen brothers who hired him for that.
Howard asked if he has been on a stage and forgotten his lines. John said he has. He said you just relax and make up shit. He said that it's never happened with Shakespeare though. John said he did a play where he forgot his first line and broke out in a cold sweat. He said he had a panic attack every night for about a week. John said he would just open his mouth and the line would come out. Howard asked if he ever performed drunk. John said he was and a lot of people do. He said he could never do that though because he'd have the shakes from the night before.
John told Howard about going to rehab and how he got out of there but worried that the Paparazzi were going to report on that. He said it turns out the Paparazzi they saw out in the woods were waiting to see if Britney Spears was there.
Howard asked John about going up against John Candy for roles. John said that's not true. He said Candy would have had a lock on his roles. Howard asked why he auditioned for Roseanne. John said he was living out of a suitcase and he wanted to get off the road. He said that they just hit it off and it worked out. Howard said he heard that Roseanne was madly in love with him. John said she has said a lot of things over the years. Howard said she said she was in love with him. John said he loved her in his own way. He said that she's very driven and she got the show the way it should have been. He said she could cut the fat off a script like no one can. Howard asked about how she'd do that. John said she would do it later in a meeting. John said she was the driving force behind that show. John said he loves Tom Arnold now but when he came in things got kind of screwy. He said that this guy showed up sweaty and ordering people around. Howard said he hadn't earned the right to do that yet.
Howard said that the show was a huge success. John said they were ready for fat people. Howard said they really were. Howard said that it was like the perfect time for that show. Howard said when you think about Roseanne living in a trailer and then she goes from doing that to being a stand up comedian. Howard said then she's a super star on TV. John said it was incredible what she went though.
Howard asked if he had to audition for Roseanne. John said he did in a way. He said she needed the say so for that. Howard said they did the show and then it became a hit. Howard said he hadn't done the Big Lebowski yet. John said that was in 1997. He said he'd do movies in the summer and the TV show the rest of the year.
Howard asked if he was afraid of being typecast. John said he didn't. Howard asked about the Big Lebowski and if he gets any money from the merchandising. John said he doesn't see a taste of that at all. Howard asked if he has watched it lately. John said he just saw it not too long ago. He said it came on TV one night and he wanted to watch it. John said there are things that he's done that he hasn't seen. Howard said that is like a learning thing though. John said there are just TV shows he has done that he just didn't remember.
Howard asked John about making another Blues Brothers movie. John said they had such a great time doing that movie and it makes him wince to think about it. He said that he knew that he didn't have anything to do with John Belushi's role. He said that he and Dan didn't take a salary to get the movie done. He said that he took a back end deal and he's still waiting for that to come through.
Howard said he assumed that he and Dan Aykroyd were really good friends. John said that they were. He said that he doesn't really have any friends now. He said he lives in New Orleans. John said he wanted to get out of Los Angeles because it was business all the time. He said that his wife is from Louisiana and if he gets a movie she can be by her parents when he's away. He said he can live pretty much anywhere now. Howard said that's why he doesn't see Dan.
Howard said he's a huge fan of Dan's but he won't come on the show. John said Dan sees things differently than everyone else. He said he has a great heart too. He said he's actually shooting a movie now. He said they're doing a James Brown Biopic. John said ''Biopic... no wonder I moved away from L.A.''
John said he got to be the cape guy for James Brown once. He said it was cut out of the Blues Brothers 2000 movie. Howard asked how he got to do that. John said they took turns doing that in the movie. He said that he was his idol when he was growing up. Howard said he was his too. Howard said that there was a rumor that he was getting a sex change operation when he was in high school. Howard said he believed it too. He said he'd watch for him to get boobs all the time. He said he's not sure where that rumor came from though.
Howard asked John about Roseanne meeting Tom Arnold and how that all worked out. John said that it wasn't his place to say anything to her. He said they were all over each other and he was happy for her in some ways. He said the show was changing and he wasn't dealing well with anything. He said he was drunk a lot. He said he would go back and bang some beer down after rehearsal.
Howard asked if he had it with Tom and was ready to leave Roseanne. John said he was ready to leave the show. He said he wanted it to be over with. Howard asked if he was happy that he could pick and choose anything he wanted after that. John said he's just glad he's working now. He said he started being grateful for things after he stopped drinking.
Howard asked if he had a lot of women coming on to him. John said he got a picture of a naked woman in a bath tub with her dog. He said that was the kind of stuff he got. Howard asked if he got married young. John said he got married old actually. Howard said he got to have some fun then. John said he did.
Howard asked about this new movie ''Inside Llewyn Davis'' that he did with the Coen brothers. John said they're great guys. Howard said he thought they were weird guys. John said they're just great guys. Howard asked what kind of character he plays. John said he plays a drunken jazz band musician. Howard asked John if he has to study junkies to get the role down. John said he has one scene where he OD's and he didn't make a big deal out of it. Howard said he must need to know a junkie to play a junkie. John said he never shot up. John said he has done blow but not for this role. John said he did a lot of blow actually. He said he stopped doing blow about a month before he gave up drinking. Howard asked what made him hit rock bottom. John said he's not sure but he's glad he did.
Howard told John to take up photography like he did. John said maybe he'll take up chess. Howard said he should do photography. He said he may need a kitten. He said his wife has a few he can have. John said he has a couple of puppies. He said his wife found it in a dumpster. Howard said it sounds like he needs a hobby. John said he does. He said that he exercises and reads a lot more when he's not working. He said that he is medicated too. John said that his brain is just wired wrong.
Howard asked when the depression hits him. John said it comes and goes all the time. He said he's tried some medication and it made him eat. He said it was the worst. He said he does Transcendental Meditation like Howard does. Howard said he gets down a lot but he doesn't think it's depression. John said he doesn't care about anything when he gets depressed. He said he's never suicidal though. Howard said he must be excited that he's doing SNL and promoting the movie. John said he's glad he's there. He said he's scared to death to do SNL.
Howard asked what his favorite bit was that he did on SNL. John said he and Will Ferrell did a bit that was just dying in front of the rehearsal audience. He said they just kept going with it and made it worse and worse. He said the bit ended up getting cut from the live show.
Howard asked John who the musical guest is this week. John said it's Kings of Leon. Howard asked if he demands that they get a good music guest on the show when he's on. John laughed and said he doesn't care. John said he wants to know about Drew Friedman. Howard said he had him draw some stuff for his books. He said he has to get him into the loop in the email chain he has.
Howard said that John seems a little depressed now. John said he's depressed that the interview is winding down. He said he thought they hated him there. He said he listens to the show every day though. John said Stuttering John fucked him once. He said that John said that he was an asshole for not talking to him at some event. Howard said he's a huge fan of his actually.
Howard asked John if he sees big action from doing the voices in the animated movies. John said they pay him pretty good. He said that Billy Crystal had the idea to put them in the room together to record the voices. Howard said his dad recorded the voices for some cartoons and they did them in the same room. Howard said they would play off each other. Howard said that he heard they did it alone in a studio for the newer stuff. Howard said he was so enamored with microphones when he'd see these guys like Larry Storch doing their voices. Howard said it's actually a drag to do the recording. John said he uses his whole body when he does his voice. Howard asked if they have him under contract for a year or something. John said that they do it until it's done. He said that he started doing it when his kid was young. He said he was lazy so he'd watch a lot of Warner Brothers cartoons with his kid.
Howard said there are a lot of great TV shows on cable now. He said that he should something like that. John said he's doing a show called Alpha House for Amazon.com. Howard said he heard about that. Gary Trudeau wrote that. Howard said he heard that Amazon let the fans vote on the show they wanted produced. John said that was weird but they get to do these shows more than just 3 episodes.
Howard asked John about the movie Argo winning an Oscar and if he went to the Oscars and got up on stage. John said that he didn't even go. He said that he gets nervous about that kind of thing.
Howard asked why John didn't go to the Roseanne Roast. John said he has a thin skin and he just doesn't like roasts. He said he doesn't want anything to do with that. He said that he doesn't think Roseanne was upset about it either. He said he can't force himself into going if he doesn't want to be there. He said that he's sure it's great entertainment but he just doesn't like roasts.
Howard said that the new movie is called ''Inside Llewyn Davis.'' Richard Christy came walking in a short time later. John said it was nice to meet Richard. Howard asked why he's interrupting. Richard said it was such an honor to be in the same room with him. John asked where Sal is. Richard said he's out there. Richard said they all love John out in the office. He said he loves him as Lebowski. He said he's been a fan of his since CHUD. John said he and Jay Thomas did that movie together. John said that is one of the movies he did that he hasn't seen. He said he did that about 35 years ago.
Richard said that John was also in Revenge of the Nerds as a football coach. John said he had a lot of fun doing that one. He said he was surprised it did as well as it did. He said all of the guys who did that movie were great.
Richard asked John if he gets annoyed when people ask him to say lines from Lebowski. John said he doesn't mind that. He said he minds it with other movies. John said that he got kind of steam-rolled into doing the Flintstones movie. He said that he should keep his yap shut about that since the checks have cleared. He said he should have had more fun with it than he did. He said he could have done a better job.
Howard asked if he was the first choice for Fred Flintstone. John said maybe it was Marlon Brando. Howard asked if he's right about thinking there was someone else. John said he doesn't know. He said he did a movie for Steven Spielberg and Steve said that he has found his Fred Flintstone while reading for something else. Howard said that they wanted Jim Belushi but it was Spielberg who wanted John.
John said he's glad he stopped drinking. He said speaking of that he and Richard might have to have a word. Howard said Richard drinks way too much. John said he didn't think so. Richard said he can have up to 13 a day when he's drinking.
Howard said John was in The Artist and in Argo. Howard said he's on a roll. Howard asked about the new movie. John said he keeps his nose out of all of that. Howard said he probably wouldn't show up even if he was nominated. Richard said he's going to go see this new movie. Richard said it's playing in Brooklyn where they serve beer.
Howard said that you might have a problem if you can't sit through a movie without drinking. Jason came in and said that Richard brings his own drinks to a movie if they don't have booze there. John said he has done that too when he was drinking. Richard said you have to drink when you're watching The Big Lebowski.
Howard asked Richard if he knows about this new movie. Richard knew a lot about it. Howard asked if he wants to drink while he's looking at John. Richard said he's going to slow down in January. John said he has never drank beer anally so Richard has him there.
Howard said that the memorizing lines thing is what would make him crazy. John said he had a woman who would help him out with his lines every Friday night. He said it's something you just have to work at.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that John seems to be a closet fan and he's very humble and funny. She said there's magic going on with them in the studio right now. Howard said he thought there was magic going on with her.
Howard asked John if he stayed faithful with his wife when he was drinking. John said he did. He said that she was just really good. Howard said that is a good woman. Robin said when you realize it's an illness you don't just dump someone.
Richard said that he wants to hear just one line from the Big Lebowski. John said he's willing to do that. Richard said he wanted to hear ''That's what it's like when you fuck a stranger in the ass.'' John did that for him. Howard said he should be back in his office making phony phone calls. He said he hasn't heard any calls in weeks.
Howard said John is going to be on Saturday Night Live this week. Gary came in and said that the guys in the office are all big fans of John in the Big Lebowski and they're not happy with the line Richard had him recite. Howard said that they should all get out.
Howard gave John some more plugs for his movie ''Inside Llewyn Davis'' and said that you can find out more at InsideLlewynDavis.com. Howard said that it's great meeting him. Howard said he's not sure if he's ever met before. John said they never have. John said that he was scared to come on the show. Howard said he thinks they did okay. Howard said he thought he was terrific. He said he'll give him a 10 on a scale of 10. Howard said that's like winning an Oscar.
Howard thanked John for the many years of entertainment. Howard said he will give him a bonus and let Angel blow him on his way out. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that was the song he was talking about earlier that he said was his best ever. Howard said Angel is there. She's the woman who teaches how to do blow jobs. Howard played the clip he played a while back where she talks about giving your man a blow job and massaging him before you get to that. She says ''Put your dick between your legs...'' Then she makes the sound she makes when the man is in that position.
Howard wondered if you can make a lot of money doing something like that. Howard had the guys bring Angel in. Howard said she looks good. Howard said he knows her from the internet. Howard said she has beautiful boobies. Howard asked if she can support a family doing that. Angel said she can. She said she gets paid to do classes just about every weekend. Howard asked if men come to her. She said she does have gay men come to her. She said she does things that the average person doesn't do.
Howard asked Angel how she knows she's good. Angel said that she has taught thousands of women how to do it and they all say that their men cum in 5 minutes or less. She said that's how you can tell if you're good at it. Howard said that he's had women hurt him with their mouth. Angel said that's what she teaches. She said she teaches women who want to do it. Howard said that Robin came to him years ago and she wanted to learn how to do it. She bought a video on how to do it. Angel said that they do those videos for entertainment. She said she's the real deal.
Robin asked how she got the knowledge. Angel said that it was through trial and error. She said she has given it to only 4 men in her life. She said that she's not blowing a lot of different guys. Howard asked if she has had men offer her money to blow them. She said she has. She said she only does it with men she is in love with.
Howard asked Angel if men get together with her hoping she'll support them. She said she hopes not. She said the man she's with now isn't like that at all. She said that he helps her career a lot actually. Robin asked if everyone can be taught. Angel said they can. Howard asked if even Robin can be taught. Angel said yes. Howard asked if Robin blows a guy and if they cum in under 5 minutes. Robin said sometimes they do.
Howard said Robin thinks that it's demeaning to swallow. Robin said that's not what she thinks. She said that it's the taste and the texture. Angel said that if you have them eat pineapple or cinnamon about an hour before it's like candy. She said you can also deep throat it and you don't even taste it.
Howard asked Angel how many women come to her events. She said she has taught up to 40 at one time. Howard asked how that works. She said that they all take notes and have a dildo to learn on.
Howard asked what her suggestions are. Angel said that you start out with the figure 8 technique. She said that you can have the man stick his dick between his legs and you suck them off from behind. She said that way you're getting it all at once. She said that it's okay to shave a man back there if they have a lot of hair. She said the man can do the same. She said she's shaved clean like a baby's booty down there.
Howard asked if a man pushes your head away if that's a sign that he's not into her. She said that's never happened to her but that is a sign.
Howard said that Angel charges $700 to teach a class. She said she brings her own dildos and she teaches the women how to put on a condom with their mouth. She said that some women do that with a condom on and they need to know how to do that.
Howard asked Angel about a guy getting a blow job with a condom on and if they can feel that. Angel said they can feel it. She said the flavored condoms are the best.
Howard asked if she prefers a guy to be on his back or standing. She said she likes them on their back. She said that you can use a grapefruit on a man's penis and you suck them off while using the grapefruit. She said that gets wrapped around the shaft and you suck them off on the head so they don't feel a sting.
Howard asked if there are any women who are unteachable. Angel said there are a couple that have taken her class a lot but they just can't do it. She said it takes coordination to get it right. Howard said that there are some women who just about smack his penis and he doesn't like that. Angel said she teaches them all of the rules of engagement and if you follow that then you'll become a dick connoisseur.
Howard said that Angel has had some graduates who have given such a good blow job that the guy dies. Howard asked if it's still legal to teach that. Angel said it is. She said that's in her video. She said that you go down his shaft and you twist your whole body to the left and right and then you have a vibrator near his ass.
Howard said the sounds she makes are kind of scary to him. Angel said that they are kind of a gagging sound but they agitate the saliva. She said that makes you remember her too. Howard said he will never forget her.
Howard said Angel has nice boobs and he thinks they're real. She said that they are. Howard asked if she's upset when a guy shoots a load on her chest. She said she's fine with anywhere except her eyes. She said there are a lot of things inside semen that can burn your retinas.
Howard asked if she'll put her finger in a man's ass. She said she will do that and stick her tongue in there.
Howard said that Angel is a very religious person. Angel said that she brings that into everything she does. Howard said that he thought that blow jobs weren't allowed in the bible. She said that people take it too literal in the bible.
Howard asked if she's a millionaire from doing this. Angel said she isn't yet but she hopes she will be after this. Howard asked if Robin has ever squirt or cum after having an orgasm. Robin said she has thought about giving a guy a blow job and she had an orgasm from that.
Howard said if you want to purchase ''Home is Where the Heart Is'' you can find it at AngelsEroticSolutions.com
Howard said Richard and Sal want to learn some of what Angel teaches. Howard said they're going to come in and learn. Robin said they should send her to Howard's parent's house. Howard did an impression of his mom talking to his dad about that.
Sal and Richard came in and Richard said Sal wants to know how to do the BJ from behind. He said that Sal will hold the banana and he'll be the woman.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she and her husband do the thing that Angel talks about with the penis between the legs. She said they've been doing that for years and they came up with it on their own. Howard said that's a copyrighted move.
Sal took down his pants and Richard said he didn't have to do that. He said he's not putting his nose down there. Sal ended up taking his underwear off. Angel was cracking up. Howard told Richard to give him the banana. Richard gave it up but he said he's not going down there. He said he needs to get the hell out of that room.
Angel told the guys what to do and told Richard to suck the tip first. Richard asked why the hell he was doing this. Sal said he can feel air going up his ass. Will smacked Sal's ass and then Richard said he stinks down there too. He started to gag and made the sounds like he was vomiting. Howard asked if this goes on in her class. Angel said they don't get into it this far. Richard gagged again. He said Sal's asshole is winking at him.
Angel told Howard she ended that banana to be flatter. Richard said he wanted a new banana for the next thing. Angel said that she's going to teach him how to deep throat and put on a condom with his mouth. She told Richard how to do the condom thing with his tongue. Howard said she is a talented woman. Angel told him what to do and Angel started making her choking noise. Howard said Richard wants to learn how to deep throat too. Angel instructed him on how to do that. She told him to go down with the banana and he took it pretty deep. She said your throat has to be straight and it works.
Howard said she's taught them a lot. Howard said that if John Goodman could see him now... Richard said he's glad that he left.
Howard said if you want to get Angel's instructional DVD you can get it at her web site. Angel said that she teaches how to do things in every room of the house.
Howard asked Sal when he took a crap last. Sal said he did last night. He said he didn't really have time to clean up. Richard figured he did that on purpose.
Howard had Angel demonstrate her skills on the banana. She did that and Howard thought she was throwing up. She said that was just saliva from the deep throating. She said that fellatio is the gift that keeps on giving. Howard gave her some more plugs for her web site and all of that. She said she's been all over the United States and she'd like to go to other countries too.
Sal asked how you tell a woman if she's smelly down there. Angel said you just tell her honestly what's going on. Then you take her to take a shower or have her take a bath. Howard wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said Jeff the Drunk wants Birthday show ticket. Howard played a clip of a call Sal made to Jeff giving him some ideas on how he could win. Sal threw out a bunch of really crazy ideas for Jeff to do but Jeff turned them down. He was up for letting them have a radio control helicopter fly his arm in the air. Jeff kept saying no to most of the really crazy ideas they threw out for him. Jeff said that was bullshit and he's going to the party.
Howard said Jeff was willing to do nothing to go to the birthday show. Howard said he was happy when they did a man on the street interview where they asked who they would rather have sex with, a dead Paul Walker or a live Howard Stern. Howard said he thinks he won by a slight edge. Howard played the audio of women saying Paul Walker even now that he's dead. Howard did get some votes but he was up against a dead man.
Howard said he almost won except for that last woman picking Paul Walker. Howard said he thinks they were in a dead heat. He said that one woman sounded like she just got off the boat.
Howard said this is the day in history when Sal cried on the air. Howard said that was 3 years ago when he said he didn't sign a new contract and Sal broke down and cried on the air. Howard played a clip from that day when Howard told Sal he was retiring. Sal started crying saying he didn't know what to do but he'd be fine and figure out how to get ahead. Sal said his little boys are his life and he's not sure what the fuck he's going to do. He was crying and saying he was sorry. Howard eventually told him he was just goofing on him.
Howard said that was just 3 years ago. Howard said if he announced the same thing tomorrow Sal would probably cry again.
Howard asked Sal if he has made any provisions for the family and if he can leave radio yet. Sal said they don't use credit cards anymore. He said they have a low equity home loan they took out to pay off those cards.
Gary said it took a year after that for Sal to figure out that he could contribute to a 401K. Sal said he's just about maxed out on that now. He said that things are going fine right now. Howard let him go after that.
Howard played a prank call Sal and Richard made to a Deli using the clips of Sal crying. The woman didn't know what to do with him. She tried to calm him down but they kept playing more of Sal crying.
Howard said fiscally conservative Sal isn't as fun as cock cheese Sal. Howard played a clip of Sal singing about putting his cock cheese on Richard's upper lip.
Wendy said she knows she promised but she needs help. She said last year she didn't give everyone the best Christmas. Robin said that's not Wendy's job. Howard asked if she has a job. Wendy said she's on disability. Howard said Gary the Retard works. Wendy said she needs supervised work. Howard said if there was a job called begging then she'd be employed.
Howard said he has $500 cash for her. He said he can't take it anymore so he's going to give her some money. Howard had her hold up her right hand and promise not to ask for more money. Howard asked what hand she uses to wipe with. She said it's her left hand. Howard said that can't be. She's right handed. Robin said that it's no wonder she makes such a mess. Howard said she gets doody on her hands whenever she takes a crap. Wendy said she has to clean up cat crap too. Howard said he hands must smell like doody all day long Wendy said it does.
Howard said he'll give her the $500 if she can count to 10. She was able to do it no problem. Howard asked how high she can count. She kept going from 10 on up to about 30 before Howard cut her off. He asked what the highest number that exists is. Wendy said 1000.
Howard gave her the $500 from Lillehammer on Netflix. Howard asked her what 9x6 is. She said 11. She knew who Steve Van Zandt was though. Howard said happy Christmas to her. Wendy said that she made Robin a get well card that she's going to mail to her. Howard said it's a little late for that.
Howard asked what hand she blows a kiss with. She said it's her left hand. Howard said that's the hand she uses for wiping so the smell must get blown over too. Wendy said it does. Howard told Robin to wear gloves when she opens that card from Wendy. Howard asked what weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers. Wendy said the feathers. Howard said Gary had better send her that money quick or she'll call every day.
Howard asked Robin if he got the card he sent out. He said he sent one to every black person he knows. Robin said she hasn't seen that yet. Howard said that every TV station had their Nelson Mandela death package ready to go. Howard said they had some really amazing history about the guy ready to go.
Howard read what Kim Kardashian had written about Nelson Mandela and you know someone is writing that stuff for her. Howard said that she can't be writing that herself. Howard said her people have to be coming up with that.
Howard said it's very sad that Nelson Mandela is gone. Howard said he spent 27 years in prison. Howard said he thinks that Oprah's tweet was more self serving. She wrote about getting to know him when she was invited to his home. Howard said it was more about her than about Mandela.
Howard said he has a bunch of song parodies to play. He said he has a bunch of Christmas songs about Robin. He played a new one from Sal about cumming in Mimi's hot towel at a massage parlor. Howard played one about Robin where Daniel Mendelson was singing about her boobs to the tune of ''Oh Holy Night.'' Howard played another song about Robin but didn't say who that one was from. Howard had one from Matt Evans that he played after that.
Howard said Robin tweeted out about Amy Winehouse when she died. Robin didn't remember doing that. Howard said that she wrote that they had missed her even before she died. Howard said he admires Robin for writing something so profound. Howard said it's too late to do anything about Paul Walker or Mandela now. Robin said that Paul Walker is getting a lot of support after he died. Robin said the video release of Fast And Furious is this week and they're saying that some of the money will go to his foundation.
Howard also had a clip of Bashir apologizing to Sarah Palin for what he said. Bashir said his words were unacceptable. Howard said he goes on and on with that. Howard said FOX and Sarah Palin are talking about this being some kind of attack. Howard played a clip from FOX News where Palin was talking about the unprovoked attack and how she hopes this kind of thing can stop. Howard said he doesn't see what the hell it is that everyone is so worked up about. Howard said the guy doesn't like Palin and the way she compares slavery to financial slavery. Howard said that Bashir probably had no ratings so this was a good reason to give the guy the boot.
Robin said that commentators will have the fear of god put into them after this. Robin said they're voicing an opinion and now they'll be afraid to do that. Howard went into a live commercial read and then to a break after that.
Robin read about a waitress that had a slur written on her check. Robin said she claimed to have an anti-gay slur written down but now it turns out that the woman is no longer working at the restaurant and they're saying that her claim wasn't real. Howard said it turns out she may have faked it. Robin said she was collecting money to give to the Wounded Warriors so people are wondering where that money went.
Robin read about jury selection starting for a trial where a woman claimed her husband fell off a cliff. Howard said he has said that's the best way to kill your wife. He said it's hard to prove that she didn't just fall off. Robin said that they are saying that this case may take 5-8 days to complete.
Howard said there's that movie 127 Hours where James Franco played the guy who was rock climbing and his arm got caught and he had to cut off his own arm. Howard said the one armed guy in that movie was arrested on domestic abuse charges. Howard said that's something. Howard said he thinks they actually talked to that guy. Robin said she thinks they did. Howard said that he's accused of doing something to a minor as well. Howard said the woman who lives at his home was arrested on the same charges. Robin said it sounds like a big mess over there. Howard asked how much of his arm he cut off. Robin said it was just the lower part of his arm. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about a study that was done that showed that most movies have violence in them even if they're PG-13 or R rated movies. Howard said that you never see breasts in a PG-13 movie. Howard said he can't cum to a PG-13. Howard said as a kid he could but not anymore. Howard said if it's an R he can.
Howard said that Heidi Klum turned 40 in June and she has said she will never wear lingerie again in public. Howard said this happens with every woman he works with. Howard said she has to wear sexier clothes on AGT. He said that she has to get off of that kid thing. Howard said that women always tell him that they layer up once they meet him.
Robin said a new type of cockroach as shown up in New York. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about that. Howard said he had apartments as a young man that were covered in cockroaches. Howard said they have to invent something to get rid of them. Robin said they are undefeatable. Robin read some of the details about this cockroach and how they think it could have gotten here. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read about Carrie Underwood tweeting about her reviews for the Sound of Music special she was in. Robin said that she's saying that mean people need Jesus. Howard said they had really high ratings so the reviews don't really matter. Howard said that he can sing more of the songs from the Sound of Music. He had to dig the lyric sheets out of the garbage. He sang some ''Edelweiss'' for Robin. He said his acting is much better than his singing.
Robin read about how some bands backed out of a concert at Sea World after finding out how they treat their Whales. Howard said he can't believe they lock up whales there. Howard said someone told him about whales and it may have been Sam Simon. Howard said they actually have families and they cry. Howard said the whales will all stay together even when one is in trouble. Robin said that's what killed a bunch of whales recently.
Robin read about how some love letters that Axl Rose had sent to a woman and how she had sold them. Robin said they were to a one time wife of Axl's and they were sold at an auction. Robin said that there were a couple of lots of love letters and they sold for thousands.
Howard said that he liked the show ''Mob Boss.'' He said that it was really good. He said it was produced by one of the guys who produced The Walking Dead. He went into a live commercial after that.
Robin read about a vest that Jimi Hendrix wore being auctioned off for over $53,000. Robin had some other rock star auction stuff that was sold too. Howard said Fred got upset when he heard about Eddie Van Halen buying some really old guitars and then destroying them. Fred said they were guitars that are very rare and works of art that he destroyed. Howard said he has a bass that Paul McCartney gave to him and he put that in glass. He said it's a replica guitar though. Fred said it doesn't matter because Paul gave it to him and autographed it for him. Howard said maybe some of his shit is worth something. Robin said she's sure it is.
Robin said that Jesse Owen's gold medal from the Olympics sold for over a million dollars. Howard said he has Corey Feldman's socks that he could sell. Robin asked if they're still talking to Corey. Howard said sure. Robin said she saw him out promoting a book he wrote and he hasn't been on.
Robin read about Garth Brooks talking about Billy Joel at a Kennedy Center Awards event. Robin had a list of some of the other people who were honored at the event. Robin said it will air on December 29th but took place over the weekend.
Robin read about the box office take for this weekend. Robin also said that every living President except for one is scheduled to appear at Nelson Mandela's funeral. Howard tried to guess who the one guy was. Howard said he figured it was Jimmy Carter. Howard said it must be George Bush, the older one. Robin said he's not in the best of health. Robin said that the other ones will be there. Robin had some audio of Jesse Jackson talking about Nelson Mandela. Howard had some edited clips of Bill Clinton that he was playing as a goof. Robin had Howard play some other clips of various people talking about him.
Robin read about Paul Rand thinking about running for president in 2016. She had some audio of him talking about his wife being opposed to that.
Robin read about a 3 year old who shot himself in the head accidentally. Robin had some audio of a police officer commenting on that story. Robin said the boy pulled the gun off a kitchen counter.
Robin read about Mothers Against Drunk Drivers getting the word out about drinking this holiday season. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about that. Fred played Jeff the Drunk saying ''Shut up!''
Robin said that the IRS is going after MC Hammer for not paying taxes. Robin said they say he owes nearly $800,000 in taxes from 1996 and 1997. Robin said that they may garnish money from his LLC to offset it. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon said he wanted to talk about Richard going in today to talk to John Goodman. Jon said that it was exciting to have him up there but he knew who Richard was. Richard said that blew his mind. He said that he did his father's voice and that really blew his mind. He said he's been a fan of John's since the movie ''CHUD.''
Jon said he thought Richard was going to break down when he came out of the studio. Richard said he loves John and he was great in Roseanne and Revenge of the Nerds. He said he really loved him in The Big Lebowski. Jon said he has been in so many good films over his career. Jon said he thinks he's an underrated actor. Gary agreed. He said that he has always enjoyed him. He said he thinks that he's gone to a different place over the last 7 or 8 years.
Jon said that John claims that he was born an alcoholic. He asked if Gary believes that. Gary said he really doesn't know. Richard said he thinks some of it is learned. Benjy said it was interesting that he said he didn't start until he was 26 years old. Richard said for him it was kind of the same way. He said he sees people drinking in movies and that was kind of a learned thing. Richard said the bands he listened to growing up were drinkers too. Gary said none of them drink anymore though. He said The Eagles don't drink.
Jon asked Richard if he thought that he was going to get lectured by John. Richard said he did but then he said he didn't think he had a problem.
Gary said that John Goodman is such a fan of the show that he knew who Shuli was when he walked into the studio. Gary said he's always wanted him on the show and he can't believe he hasn't been there before. Gary said it's odd how that works out sometimes. Jon said that some people come in there saying they're fans of the show but you know they're not. He said John Goodman is obviously a big fan. Gary said he's not sure why he's never been on before. He said he's glad they had him today.
Richard said that it's cool that he's going to be on Saturday Night Live this week. He said it's cool that he's right across the street just about.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he knows about alcoholism and he's been sober for 23 years now. He said it's a physical allergy and you are born with it. He said there are some cultural issues with it too though. He said that your body metabolizes differently so it really is a disease. Gary asked if it's hereditary. The caller said that's an interesting question. He said that they haven't been able to prove that. He said that they usually do find out that other family members have had similar problems.
Jon said another great moment in the interview was when John said that Spielberg said that he had found his Fred Flintstone. Gary said he thinks that's a compliment. Richard said that it is kind of an honor no mater what role it is.
Jon said he's a super nice guy too. He said he seems like a down to earth kind of guy. Richard said that's what he thought too. He said he seems like a nice, fun guy. He said that's why everyone in the back was freaking out about what a nice guy he was.
Gary said he went to the CBS up fronts once and saw John Goodman there. He said John was stretching his back and he looked like he was in a bad mood. He said he was kind of nervous to just walk by him. He said that he recognized him and he told him to say hi to Howard and the guys. He said he couldn't have been nicer that time or the time that Stuttering John interviewed him. He said he's not sure what they could have been irritated by back when they first got that interview with Stuttering John.
Jon and the guys were talking about the Roseanne thing and how great that show was. Jason came in and said that he loved what John said about Roseanne and how the country was ready for fat people. He said that just imagine that anyone else had been in charge of that show. He said they would have been goofing on middle America but they did such a good job with it. Gary said he loved the show but he thought that casting Sarah Chalke on the show was kind of odd. He said that he really likes her but she looks like a model.
Jon said that John was talking about just bullshitting with the Coen brothers in has audition. Jon said that their movies are a safe bet. He said that their box office might not be big every time but artistically they're always good. They went to break as short time later.
Richard said that Will told him that he was going to be blowing a dildo today. Richard said he forgot that he had pitched that in a meeting a couple of weeks ago. Gary said Howard was wondering if he's gay because he always pitches gay things like that. Jon said Richard thinks of it as being funny and not just gay. Gary said he remembers someone pitching getting some hot chicks naked in the studio and then Richard comes out with something gay and kills the bit.
Richard said that he's not gay but he thinks that stuff is funny. Benjy asked if he's ever had a guy come on to him because he thought he was gay. Richard said no. He said a lot of guys come on to Gary though. Gary said he's lost that vibe as he's gotten older.
Gary said when Richard is naked he's very comfortable. He said that he wishes he could be like that. They once let Richard run naked in a press conference out in the lobby and he was so happy. Richard said it's funny that he runs around with that little wang he has. He said Benjy stuck up for him with Sarah Silverman when she said it was small. He said Benjy told her that she should see it hard. He said he liked that he stuck up for him like that.
Jon asked Richard about what he was doing to Sal while they were doing the blow job demonstration. Richard said they got a banana to use instead of one of those dildos the woman brought it. He said Sal took the banana and rubbed it all over his junk and he was smelly down there today. He said that it was gross. Richard said that he got one whiff and that's why he was gagging. He said it just reeked. Gary said he's not sure what to call that noise he makes. He said it's like an eruption. He said it really makes him feel what he's feeling. Richard said he was coughing up bile and stuff. He said it really stunk back there.
Richard said that when he deep throated that banana Benjy really had a look of surprise on his face. He said he was very proud of that. Benjy said it was kind of funny and it went in his throat really far. He said sword swallowers do the same thing. Richard said he was afraid of losing it down his throat and not being able to get it. He said he could have gone further.
Steve Brandano asked Richard what his favorite celebrity meetings have been. Gary asked him who he'd like to meet. Richard said Brad Pitt is a huge one for him. He said John Carpenter is another one he'd like to meet. He said he'd flip out if he met him. Richard said he has to do some wacky stuff to get to meet some of these people.
Gary said that he thought it would be good if Richard waited to go in toward the end of the interview. He said there's something charming about Richard that other people don't have. Richard said he feels he owes John a lot because he's given him so much entertainment. They had to go to break after that.
Jon asked Richard about who else he has met that he really liked. Richard said that he's met a bunch. He said that he likes Tom Atkins from Halloween 3. Gary said that's not a favorite. He said a favorite is one thing you like. He said that guy can't be the same as Brad Pitt. Richard said that he has been watching The Fog since he was like 5 or 6 years old. He said that he's a big deal to him.
Gary asked who the biggest star is from his home town. Richard said his home town is way out in the country. He said Fort Scott, Kansas is nearby and there's a famous director from there. Jon said Richard is famous so maybe he's the big star from his town. Richard said maybe his parents will put up a sign for him at their house.
Jon brought up Sal's crying episode from 3 years ago. He asked Richard if he's seen him change over the past few years. Richard said he has. Gary said Richard was the one who told him that Sal wasn't donating to his 401K until a year after that crying thing. Gary said Sal claims he's wrong about that. Richard said he may have remembered wrong.
Gary said that he hasn't heard Sal complain about Christine's spending lately. He said that he thinks that things might be getting better.
Jon asked Jon Leiberman if he's seen a change with Sal. Leiberman said that Sal believes he was a turtle at one time. He said that you ask him questions in the hall and he refers back to that.
Jon said that Howard was singing the Sound of Music stuff today. Gary said it was scary how he sounded like Ben. Jon said maybe he wants to be the Broadway star and belt that stuff out. Gary said that he was going to text Jon to check out the Sound of Music special. Jon said he did record it. Gary said the show was jarring to watch. He said they had the Nazi flags up on the screen and it was very jarring. Richard said he didn't even know the song ''My Favorite Things'' were from that soundtrack.
Jon had Jon Leiberman give a Howard 100 News preview. Jon ran down a list of stories they were going to be covering today in the news. He mentioned what happened between Gary and Benjy last week on the show. Benjy said that he thinks that things are fine. Gary said that he's being professional and just forging ahead. Benjy said that he was going to like something Gary posted on Facebook but he decided not to just because it might look kind of weird. They had a bit of a blow out on Friday's Wrap Up Show. They ended the show a short time later. They were done around 11:15am.
Howard started the show taking a phone call from a guy who asked how he'd feel if Beth surprised him with a book of nude pictures of her that someone else took. Howard said he'd be pissed. The caller said his wife is super hot and she did that for him. He said she drank and got in super hot outfits and put a lot of effort into them. He said it was all girls in the room that took the pictures. Howard said that he'd be cool with it if it was like that. Howard said he'd be pissed if it was some dude who took the pictures. He said that would be a little too crazy for him. Howard said if it was a bunch of girlfriends that did it he'd be okay with that. He thinks so anyway.
The caller asked if he can get some birthday show tickets. Howard said he can't even pick up the phone without being asked for them. Howard said that's going to be some show. He said Gary tells him that everyone is in. He said he doesn't know half the people who are showing up. He said it's going to be stellar though. He said it's going to be an evening show but they haven't even figured out how they're going to do it yet. Howard said they may just have people come out and say hello and some will perform. He said they're still trying to figure out how it's going to work. Howard said it will be one stellar night though.
Robin asked how long of a night this is going to be. Howard said they're going to have to go 54 hours. He said they don't know how long they can go. He said they do have a ''hard out'' according to Gary. He said they have to be out of there at a certain time. He said it could be 2 hours or 4 hours. Gary said it will be at least 4 hours. He said he's trying to keep it under 5 at this point. Howard said it would be nice if he could be out of there quickly. He said that would be a nice gift. Gary said he may not even have to say a word that night.
The caller asked if he's had to turn anyone down. Howard said yes. He said it's an interesting weekend because it's Super Bowl weekend. He said that's in New York this year so they will have a lot of people in the area.
Howard said he'll see if he can help this guy out with tickets. That will cut down on the number of people calling later. Howard said they are giving away tickets in a sweepstakes on the SiriusXM web site and through HowardStern.com. Howard said Canadian subscribers can enter too. Howard said a lot of people will be winning. He said it's not just dudes either.
Howard said this is a Big Foot Sex Words game. Howard said they asked Big Foot if he knows what things like Viagra are. He said you have a 50/50 chance of answering correctly. He said Big Foot knew what Viagra was. Howard said today's question is ''What's menstruation?'' Howard said if the caller, Richard, gets it right he can win the tickets. Howard asked the caller if he thinks Big Foot knows the answer. Richard said he doesn't think he knows that. Howard asked if he wants to be locked in. Richard asked what they think. Fred said he thinks he should answer the question. Fred said that his thought process says Big Foot will say no. Big Foot's answer was ''I don't know.'' Richard won the tickets.
Howard said that's going to be one star packed night. He said even if the stars don't show up he'll get to see the guys from the show. Richard said that's all he cares about. Howard put Richard on hold after that.
Howard said he thinks about Sam Kinison often. He said he has a picture of Sam that he keeps where they were at the Westbury Music Fair and he's playing guitar with him and Leslie West. Howard said he keeps it blown up in his office. He said he has a necklace that Bill Kinison gave him too. He said he keeps that thing right next to the picture. He said he was thinking about Sam being a troubled guy. He said he hates in death when people paint them to be the greatest person in the world. Howard said that you see that with widows. Howard said they paint the guy like a saint once he's dead but he was a scumbag when he was alive. Robin joked that it was like that with Mandela. Howard said Mandela had a one nighter with Robin and didn't call her back. He was joking of course.
Howard said with Sam Kinison he's been thinking about him a lot. He said Sam was like 34 when he died. Howard said they knew him pretty well. He said he had a show business friendship with him. He said that's all you could have though. Howard said Sam wasn't high and he was killed in a car accident. Howard said he thinks about all the years he missed out on. Howard said he's not sure it would have been a happy life though. He said sometimes it was a burden to be around him. He said that he was unbearable at times. Howard said he could crush you with words and with his physical weight. Howard said he thinks about the things he loved about him and the things he couldn't stand. He said he gets sad because he didn't get to live that life. He said it drives him crazy thinking about that. Howard said he wonders if they'd still be friends. He wonders if he would have gotten sober and all of that.
Howard said Sam was married to one woman and he was banging her sister. He said he had a crazy life that fascinated him. He said it was exhausting to be around. Howard said he thinks about that all the time.
Robin said it was like that with Joe Walsh too. Howard said Joe figured it all out and now he's boring. Howard said that Sam was such a mess and it was so hard to take at times. Howard said that Joe was the same way when he was drinking.
The caller thanked Howard for picking up on her. She said she was going to ask for tickets but she knows he just gave some away. Howard said he may have to give more away. Gary said he can do another pair. The caller said this means a lot to her. She said she just had a cancer operation and this means to much to her. Howard asked what type of cancer she has. She said she had breast cancer. She said she doesn't know how she's going to be. Howard said he's going to look like a great guy if he gives her the tickets. The caller, Marie (or Maria), said she didn't tell anyone until just a couple of weeks ago. She said that Robin was an inspiration to her. Howard said that she has to concentrate on him.
Marie said she still has to get some things done. She said she had the cancer removed and she has to wait to see what the biopsies are. She may need more treatment. Howard told Gary to march her up on stage and thank him personally. He said she has to bring up the cancer repeatedly. Howard told her not to be subtle about it. He told her to bang people over the head about it. Howard said he's going to lay his hands on her and heal her. Howard asked if the cancer is contagious. Marie said it's not. Howard said he'd have to stay home if it was.
Howard said he's just going to give her the tickets. He won't even play the game. Howard asked how old she is. Marie said she's 57. She said she's been listening to Howard since the 80s. Howard started to sing to her about going to the birthday show. She said that he's awesome.
Howard asked if Marie is okay. She was crying and said that she's so happy. Howard told her to make sure she cries out loud. Howard sang to her some more. He said she's supposed to sing that he's wonderful after he sings that he's an idiot. He and Marie sang to each other going back and forth.
Howard mentioned that they're giving away the tickets on SiriusXM.com and Perks.SiriusXM.ca as well. Howard said that Marie will see them on January 31. She said that she loves Howard. Howard said he loves her too. Howard said he won't be giving away anymore tickets today. He said he's saying that with peace and love, peace and love.
Howard said that was fun. He said the laughs never stop. He said he knows he has a lot of other people on the phone but he has to take a break. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said he has a commercial for his new TV show. Howard played that bit they put together where Eric plays Eric the Actor in The Elf Who Wanted To Kill Christmas. Howard said there it is. That's his big announcement.
Howard picked up on Eric and congratulated him on that. Eric said he didn't know he buzzed him in. He said he didn't hear the sound he usually hears. Howard said there's so much going on in the world of Eric. He said he has to update everyone. Howard said he's consumed with his Twitter feed. Eric asked if he can cover the TV show thing first. Howard said no. He said he wants to get to other stuff. Howard said he has to get people excited about him by talking about other stuff first.
Howard said Eric's tweets are on fire lately. He read some of the comments Eric made on Twitter. He was accused of killing JFK and Eric said he was born in 1975 and JFK was killed in 1963. Howard asked why he would respond to that. Howard said no one believes he actually killed JFK. Eric said he knows that.
Howard said someone accused Eric of pulling his cock out on the set of Legit. Howard said Eric responded to that too. Howard said he can't believe he responds to this stuff. He said someone accused him of being born the same year as his parents. Eric wrote back and called the guy a dipshit saying he wasn't born that year. He also responded to someone saying he didn't play Kathy on Diff'rent Strokes. Howard said he also claims he hasn't lied to the IRS and he's not a Shemale. Howard said he tells people to fuck off when they call him a homosexual. He also says he hasn't had any hair transplants. Howard read through a bunch of those tweets.
Howard said someone wrote Eric saying that he played the role of the feet stuck under the house in the Wizard of Oz and that set him off. Robin said Eric has to get a hobby or something. Eric said he knows for sure he didn't read that tweet. Howard said he didn't respond to that one.
Howard said Eric got in touch with Shuli and told him that he didn't die and he had to tweet out about that. Howard said someone must have written that he had died. Eric said people were posting that all over the internet. He said he thinks that they did that because he wasn't on Twitter from Wednesday to Saturday. He said they must have thought he died. Howard said he doesn't think anyone thought he died. Howard said if he did die then there would be tons of Twitter activity about him. Eric said he wasn't tweeting from Wednesday to Saturday so they might think he's dead. Howard said Eric called Shuli and said he made a video to prove he wasn't dead. Howard said Shuli sent out the link to the video. Howard played the video that Eric sent out. Howard said people started busting his balls about that and he made a second video where he has a game playing behind him. Howard said that proves that he was alive during that game.
Howard had Shuli come in. Shuli said his wife and kid were away so he had a weekend to himself. He said that he got the Tweet from Eric and the next 25-30 minutes his phone was blowing up. He said Eric wasn't texting him back and he was stuck with this stuff. He said Eric ruined his Saturday so he had to do the same to him. He said he wanted a hostage photo of Eric with something with the date on it. He said he told Eric to send him that. Eric sent him the picture with a piece of paper with the name and date on it. Then he told Eric that people didn't believe it. He told Eric to send a picture of himself with a pet in the picture just to mess with him. He said people didn't stop busting his balls about it.
Howard played another clip of Eric's video that he put out there where he says he's very much alive and he had a football game on behind him. Howard said all of this came from Shuli busting his balls. Shuli said people do this to Eric every 3 weeks or so and it gets him every time.
Howard said maybe it's cool if people think he's dead. Howard asked why he cares if they think he's dead. Eric said that it's like the boy who cries wolf. He said no one will believe it if he really does die. Howard said they'll get the word out about him. Howard said they'll carry on about Eric when he dies. Howard said it will be a big deal on this show.
Shuli told Howard about a tweet Eric sent out about not being into chicks with dicks. Howard said he thought he was into them. Eric said he's not. He said he was following that account by mistake. Howard said that he understands. Eric said he's trying to explain. Howard said he doesn't understand how you make that mistake. Eric said he doesn't end up reading the profile. Shuli said he sees tits and that's it. Robin said he doesn't care if they're on a guy. Howard asked how many people he follows. Eric said he'll submit to a lie detector if that's what it takes.
Howard said Eric follows over 5,000 people on Twitter. Howard said maybe he should go through that list and stop following chicks with dicks. Shuli asked how many he was following. Eric said he was following 2 to the best of his knowledge.
Howard asked if he spent time in a Turkish prison. Eric said that's not true. Howard said Eric gets upset about everything. Howard said he heard he's a vegan and he went to the Congo and got a leg infection when a bear bit him. Shuli said he heard he lost a toe when he got frostbite. Eric said none of those were true. Fred said he caused the accident that Paul Walker died in. Eric said that's not true.
Shuli said he heard he derailed the train out there. Howard said one of the things he read about him on Twitter is that he is related to Hitler. Shuli said he heard that too. Eric said that's not true either. Howard said it says right there he is.
Howard said Eric follows VeinyTits1 and PuffyNips. Howard asked why he follows them. Eric said he didn't know he was. Howard said it's just pictures of veiny tits. Howard asked why he would follow that. Eric said they're big breasted women. Howard asked if he likes big veiny tits. Eric said he likes big breasts. Shuli asked what it is about them that he likes. Eric said they're a whole hell of a lot better to look at than what's between the legs of a guy. Shuli said ''Well, you'd know.''
Howard asked if Eric has performed a back alley abortion. Eric said he has not. Howard asked why he follows ChubbyFinder. Eric said he likes fat chicks. Howard said he loves that he follows PuffyNips. Howard said the weird thing is that you can see who they follow. Howard wondered why he would follow these people. He said if he's trying to date girls they'll see who he follows. Howard said he must be able to look at Puffy Nips without actually following that. Shuli said he doesn't have to follow them.
Eric said it depends on how the account is set up. Howard asked why he follows Ore Ida potatoes. He said he's the only person following them. Eric said he likes to eat French fries and tater tots and things they make. Robin asked why he follows them though. She said she understands the Veiny Tits thing.
Shuli asked if Ore Ida puts out new products on their account. Eric said they do. Howard said maybe Eric though that they were Tater Tits.
Howard wondered how many people follow Ore Ida and why they'd do that. Howard said they only have 118 people following them. Howard said that's all they have. Howard said you know that out of that 117 there are 100 employees. Shuli said the other 16 are family and Eric.
Eric said that it was a suggestion when he followed another account. He doesn't remember which one though. Howard said he looks like a Twitter whore when he does that. Shuli said Eric blocks everyone and then follows everyone too.
Howard let Eric talk about this Legit show he shot. Eric said that he shot it over the weekend. Shuli said it's on the channel FXX. He said it's a good show. Eric said he plays a bookie at a cock fight. Shuli said he heard he steals the show in the episode and he may become a recurring character. Howard said that's great. Howard said that's like FX but with an extra X. Howard said maybe they should give him a channel before they give Rupert Murdoch another one. Howard said that guy is unbelievable. Howard said he is so driven. Howard said he would have to stop at some point. Robin said he has passions and he doesn't give them up. Howard said he can do his passions in his house. He said he doesn't need to be out there all the time making more FX channels.
Howard said he just hit the wire under the desk. He said he told Gary about that yesterday. Howard said he didn't write it down either. Gary said he didn't write it down because Evan said he was going to fix it after the show. Howard said he should have a legal sized pad to write stuff down on. Gary said it's not a matter of writing it down. He said he thought Evan had it taken care of. He said he would have written it down if he didn't know that Evan was going to work it out. Howard said he should have a list that he could cross things off of to make sure they're done by the end of the day.
Howard said it drives him crazy that Gary doesn't write this stuff down. He said he has so much going on and he doesn't write it down. Howard said he should walk around with somebody. Howard said he needs to make sure this stuff is done. Howard said this is what's missing from his executive skills. Fred kept playing the Richard Simmons ''Gary!'' clips while this was going on.
Robin was goofing on Gary and Gary yelled at her for not even being around there to see what he does. Howard said that this wire wasn't fixed yesterday. Gary said it actually was but it fell down again. Howard said it was not fixed. Howard said that the wire catches on his feet and then this thing on his desk moves. It's actually a camera on his desk. He said the camera is taped to a cup. Howard said this is some radio show they have. Howard said he has a camera mounted to a cup. Howard said he was talking to John Goodman yesterday and the same thing happened. Howard said you see this camera moving. Shuli said it's like Poltergeist. Howard said they don't have a stand for the camera so they balance it on a cup. Howard said Eric has better equipment.
Howard asked Eric why he's called in for two days now. Shuli said he wanted to let people know he's alive. Eric said he just talked about a bunch of bullshit and he didn't let him finish. Eric said he's in the episode and so is Johnny Jr.'s girlfriend and his friend Jon.
Eric said that the head of the show Freak Show would like to be on Howard's show. Howard said he'd rather have the person from VeinyTits1 on. Howard thanked Eric for the call and wished him luck with his show. Eric said it will start airing in January. Howard thanked him for squeezing that in. Howard said that's going to be on FXX. Howard thanked him again for calling in. Eric wished him a happy holidays. Howard said he's on next week so he can call in then. Howard asked where he's going. Howard said he's been calling Gary to make sure he gets on today because something big is going on. Eric said he's going to Vegas next week with his family. Howard asked if he's going to the Bunny Ranch. Eric asked if he's kidding. He said that's up in North Nevada.
Shuli said Eric has nothing to do with the show when he's with his family. Eric said he's just going to the hotel with his family. Robin asked if they like when he's on these TV shows. Eric said they've seen every one of his TV appearances. Robin said they should love Howard for getting him on these shows. Howard said they really should. He said he kind of resents them not liking him. He said that's a lot of bullshit.
Eric said that he's had to put up with a lot of bullshit on this show. He said he gets a lot of ribbing and they referred to him as a midget. Robin said they don't do that anymore. Howard said he heard in Vegas they strap him to a roulette wheel and make him the ball. Eric said that's not true. Howard said he read that on Twitter. Howard said he hopes that Eric loves him more than his own family because he's done more for him than his family. Eric said Howard is very full of himself. Howard said he is. He said he has done so much for Eric. Howard said he is his real father. Shuli said he should hide VeinyTits and not Howard. Howard said he probably doesn't even follow him on Twitter.
Gary asked why Eric can't call in tomorrow. Eric said he has a dental cleaning. He doesn't want to go to the cleaning with a lack of sleep. Gary asked why. Eric said he would like to go there completely rested. Robin said she bets he likes the dental assistant. Howard said his mother always talks about getting more rest. He said she thinks that things are very stressful.
Howard said it says on Twitter that he is Eric's father and he had sex with a Tater Tot to create him. Eric said that's not true. Howard asked if he'll take a lie detector test to prove it. Eric said he would do that. Howard said he had to get going. He wished him a Merry Christmas and let him go. Shuli said he'll be hearing from Eric all vacation. Howard said his whole life is the show. Howard said he's calling Shuli all the time and when he gets around his family he's like ''Fuck Howard Stern.'' Shuli said if he calls Eric when he's around his parents he's the asshole. Howard said he'd be so upset if his brothers and sisters were all normal height and he was the one fucked up one. Shuli said you'd be an angry, bitter guy.
Howard said there must be some guilt there with the brother. He said that they see their brother suffering and they're like Wow. Howard said that's like Elvis surviving out of a pair of twins. Howard said that they shouldn't have told Elvis that he was a twin. He said that people walk around with all kinds of guilt. Howard said that the parents must have that guilt too. Robin said they don't necessarily have guilt. Howard said he thinks that they do have some.
Howard asked Gary to just give him what he has. Then he said he doesn't want to do it anymore. He said Gary sucked the life out of him. Howard and the guys goofed on Scott for not rushing to get anything done.
Robin asked if NBC knows that he's not known for his singing. Howard said he thinks they do. Howard said he's done with the bit. He told Gary to tell Scott that he can go back to doing what he does. Howard said he's not going to torture the audience with this bit.
Howard took a call from King of All Blacks who said that Gary is going to kill him one day. Howard said Gary came to him 30 minutes ago with this bit and it's not ready yet. Howard asked if he has a song ready yet. Gary said it'll be done in a minute and a half. He said it just couldn't be done. Gary said that if he had given him just one song he would have been upset about that too. Howard told Gary to give him the lyrics and he'll cue it up on the internet. Howard said he can throw something together in 3 minutes. Howard said Scott has to get them into the machine.
Howard had Fred look up ''Some Enchanted Evening.'' Howard said if you're going to do something you do it now, not next week. Gary said he wants to talk to King. Howard said his life force is being drained. Gary said he didn't know this had to be done in 10 minutes.
Gary told Howard that the music bed is up on the computer now. Howard said 15 minutes later he's ready to go. He introduced the bit he started to introduce 15 minutes ago. Howard said it's not so funny now.
Howard sang ''Some Enchanted Evening'' now that he had the music to sing to. Howard said he's bored with it already. He did it for like 3 seconds. Howard said Scott can stop working on it now.
Howard asked King what he wants. King said they have to get their hands on Eddie Murphy's new record. Howard said he saw him on Arsenio Hall. He said he wonders why Eddie won't come in there and do the show. Howard said he kisses his ass all the time and he won't come in.
King said Eddie's first single is ''Please Don't Break My Heart.'' Howard asked how it is. King said he has to tell him what he thinks. Howard asked why he calls in like that and doesn't have an opinion. Howard said he just got a book with pictures of Comedians and Eddie has a glamorous photo while everyone else does something goofy. Howard said that he doesn't want to be funny anymore. He said he did say he would like to go back and do more stand up when he was on Arsenio.
King said that Arsenio is funny but that smile he has is very gummy. Howard said he does have a gummy smile. Howard said he likes that he's back on TV. He said he has a nice show. Howard said he's not sure why he walked away from it.
Fred played the new Eddie Murphy song and told Howard he has to see the video. He said that it's Eddie wearing Erkel glasses and playing guitar. Howard said it's hard to believe it's Eddie singing. Howard said he must want to be like Jamie Foxx. Howard said he must think he has to do the same thing. Howard thanked King for the call but King wanted to ask Shuli something. Howard kicked the wire again and knocked the camera on the cup out of the way again.
Howard had some of Eddie Murphy with Snoop Dogg. Howard said this song is called Red Light. Howard said it's not bad. It's fine. Howard said he has a good voice. Shuli said he's a comic though. Fred had another song that Eddie put out called ''Temporary.'' Howard had him play that one too. Howard said he loves Eddie so he won't bash him too much for that stuff.
Howard said you'd think that she'd want to hold something back with Shuli. Shuli said he loves hearing about all of this stuff from her. Howard said he'd be upset if he didn't have a solid bowel movement in 3 years. Robin asked if she's still taking that medication. Shuli said she is.
Howard said there's this thing called the Potty Squatty (Squatty Potty Bamboo) and he got one there at work. He said he took it home and he wanted to give it a try. Howard said they say if you squat it's easier to dump. Howard said the way we shit is crazy. He said he feels like he's never complete. Howard said he'd never order one of these things because he's too ashamed. Howard said they sent him one and he unboxed it and it was in 50 million pieces. Robin said she put her's together. Howard said it was a mess. He said he asked his assistant, Laura, to help. Howard said he couldn't wait to try it. He said he had someone assemble it for him and the next thing he knew it was in his bathroom. He said it was just there. Howard said that means someone helped put it in there.
Howard said he had the thing in there and he didn't know how to use it. He said he was afraid that he'd get on it the wrong way and crush his balls. Howard said he took out the instructions and read about how to use it. Howard said the idea is that you push your chest to your knees and you squat down on the toilet seat. Howard said he wants to be in the air when he's shitting. Robin said that's what it's supposed to help you do. Howard said he was balancing on his feet and he really wants to be like early man. Howard said he wants to shit like early man did it.
Howard said he took off his underpants and he didn't want to slip. He said he had the image of that happening. Howard said he should have brought the instructions in with him. He said he was up on his feet and he was ready to go. Then he released and it was a full release. He said he had one had on the seat and had to balance like that. Robin said your feet are slanted. Howard said that he had a complete doody. He said there was nothing there. He said it was a full elimination. Howard said he should have invested in the company before he even tried it. Howard said he should buy stock now. Howard said he had a full shit and wanted to try it again. He said he felt like he eliminated the right way.
Howard said he felt the urgency again the other night and he went in and read the directions again. He said he wants to get up higher. He said he did it again and it says that you can have a slant for your feet. Robin said it's either forward or backward. Howard said his is just level. Robin didn't think that was possible.
Howard said he had to learn how to use this thing with his pants off completely. He said he learned how to use this thing juts right. He said it's an ugly thing though. He said it's made of Bamboo so it's really ugly. He said they built a hole in it so it can hang around the bottom of your toilet. Howard said he tried to put it under his sink but it's too big. Howard said he has this slick black bathroom and then you see this wooden thing in there.
Howard said he took a shit last night like he hasn't taken in years. He said he was so excited about it. He said he didn't even look at the shit. Howard said he felt completely empty and he wiped. He said there was a considerable amount but not like the old days. He said he only had to wipe twice with the wet wipes. Howard said he had minimal doody. Howard said that thing really works.
Howard said he's wondering how to get another one. He said he's embarrassed to order it. Howard said he has to get someone to put that together if he gets another one. He said he doesn't want to carry it out to the house in Long Island. Howard said it's too big to carry.
Shuli said he tried doing that once in the woods. He said he did it where he had himself tied to a tree to keep from falling over. He said he shit and then his belt broke so he fell right into the shit.
Robin said they seem to have a plastic one too. Howard said he didn't know that. He said he has to get that. He said that would be a good birthday gift. Robin said she still uses her's. Howard said she has better eliminations now,right. Robin said she does. She said she has a water closet in her bathroom so you don't see it all the time. Howard said they should Skype during their Squatty Potty times.
Shuli said he and Yucko were playing Call of Duty the other day and they were pretending they were playing for the first time. He said they were asking questions and shooting team mates. Shuli said they did a break up thing too. He said there are like 6 players on a team so they have to get rid of about 4. He said it only takes about 3 minutes. He said the key is when they're doing really well and they have to ramp things up to get them to leave. He said they were doing gay stuff like reading poems to each other and things like that. Shuli said they ask what button to use and the guys yell at you for that. Howard said they should play while they're on the Squatty Potty. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked if Fred had played a song yet. Fred said he didn't yet. Howard said he'd had enough of that song of Eric's. Howard asked what Fred was going to play. He was going to play Lorde's ''Royals'' which Howard said he hasn't heard all the way through.
Howard did the top 5 songs which included One Republic, Pitbull, Lorde, Rihanna & Eminem and at number one was Miley Cyrus.
Howard said he was thinking about everyone who is upset about Miley being naked. He said so many celebrities are naked. Robin said she thinks it's because she was Hanna Montana. Robin said it's all about family entertainment. Howard said he saw a shot of Emmy Rossum in the paper today and she was in a short t-shirt with her boobs hanging out.
Howard took a call from Ham Hands Bill who asked if Howard will do a bikini shoot with Beth with the cats all over her. Howard said he's done nude and bikini shoots but not with the cats. He said he does have one of her with a cat covering her vagina. Bill said he could do one of her on a couch and show it to them. Howard said she has a ton of them on her Twitter account.
Bill asked Howard if he'd ever do an oil rub down with her like he used to do with Amy Lynn. Howard said he's a creep. He said maybe he'll show his love for Gary where he oils up his balls and cock. Howard thanked him for the call so he could move the show along. He said he can only take so much creepiness.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has to stop talking about shitting when people are stuck in traffic on the LIE. Howard said that he had a perfect elimination. The caller said he's killing them with those conversations. Howard said he thought he'd enjoy learning about the Squatty Potty.
Howard said he crafted that whole rap last night. He said he sent Jason the notes at like 9 last night. He said that guy didn't appreciate it. Howard said he had it all figured out and worked out for everyone. Howard said then the guy calls in and says he doesn't like it.
Howard said Sal was on Craigslist again looking for the creepiest ads. Howard said he found one where a guy was asking for a guy to rub two dicks together. He read about how this guy likes to touch ass to ass and balls to balls. Then the guy rubs both cocks at the same time to see if they can cum together. Howard asked Robin how that is. Robin said she doesn't know how they even do that. She said she's trying to picture it. Howard asked if Benjy has ever done that. Benjy said he has not.
Howard read another ad where a guy says he's a 24 year old man experimenting with anal play. He's been using dildos, butt plugs and other things. He's now looking for a real dick to see if he enjoys that. Howard asked Robin what she thinks about that. Robin said that's a sweet request.
Howard read an ad where a guy wanted to molest someone else's wife while she's passed out in a car. Howard said that's really creepy. He said you have to be a real project planner to get that to work. Howard said he's not sure if the wife ever knows this is going on.
Howard read an ad where a guy says he likes holding in his cum while he watches porn. That guy likes to lick off the pre-cum too. Howard said that he has to hold on to that one.
Howard asked what George Takei was doing there. Wolfie said he was the only Star Trek guy there and he had a line that went out the door. Howard asked what it cost to meet him. Wolfie said it was like $60 to get an autographed picture. He said he was a big draw.
Howard played Wolfie's interview with George Takei. Wolfie asked him what the chances are that William Shatner will out live him. George didn't think he would. He also asked him who on the Stern Show he would like to seduce. George said that Will would be a challenge. He said he should invite him home when Brad is out. Wolfie had him do his best Santa Claus impression too.
Wolfie said that he thought that George was looking at him like a piece of meat. Howard said he's never gotten that look from any gay man.
Howard played some audio of Wolfie asking people at the convention about their worst experiences with celebrities. One guy said Lou Ferrigno was the worst. He said there was a little kid in front of the line and he turned away some kid who didn't have enough money for the autograph.
Howard said this next guy is into steam punk. Howard wondered who thinks up that fetish. Howard said he sounds like a steam punk doctor. Howard said he's in a mask and you can barely understand what he's saying. Howard played that clip and the guy's voice was kind of muffled from the mask.
Wolfie said that he thinks these people can't fail when they go to these conventions and it's the only place where they're accepted. He also told Howard that he got contact information for that guy who laughed funny. He said Howard went off on him about not getting the information for another guy not too long ago.
Howard said this steam punk thing is weird. He said he loved being a dishwasher. Howard said even back then he wasn't physically fit. Howard said he did physical labor and he had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He said he had steam from that dishwasher and cigarette smoke going up his nostrils. He said he was probably 16 or 17 at the time. Wolfie said that was when he should have gotten buff.
Howard said he got evaluated at the end of the summer and he was the number one dishwasher. He said he shouldn't have taken it so seriously. He said he could have been the number 3 dishwasher. Howard said he got drunk that night and he ended up getting a door slammed on him and he had to pay for the broken door. He said that it hit his face and he wasn't able to feel his teeth for months. Howard said he was a trouble maker back then.
Howard thanked Wolfie for the interview. Wolfie asked if he checked out the sneaker convention. Howard said he will play that one on another day. He said he has a lot to get to.
Howard said Eli Braden has a nice Jingle Bells song for her. He played that one next. Howard said he thought that one was nice. Howard said he told Robin the other day he was jealous that he never gets any songs. Now he has a ton from Eli. Howard said in those they're gay together. Howard played some of those songs. Howard said he doesn't like these at all. He was laughing though. Robin said she's enjoying them. Howard said he thinks they can stop those. He doesn't like those like he likes the Robin songs. Robin said she thinks they should get a new subject. Howard said he won't play any gay songs that are about him. Robin said they can't deny people laughs.
Howard asked if anyone wants to know how male strippers keep their hard ons. Howard said they covered this on the Logo channel. Howard played the clip where the strippers talked about it. One guy said before they get on stage they jerk off to porn and then you put on a cock ring to keep it hard. One guy said some guys use Viagra or Cyalis to keep hard out there. Howard said he should try that so he looks like he has something going on down there. Howard said he has no idea why he just played that.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he has a great game for them to play. He wanted to win some tickets. Howard said he didn't have any to give him. The guy said he had 5 sound clips and they had to guess when they debuted them. Howard said he doesn't care about that game. He said it doesn't really matter. The caller said it's a great game. Howard told him to come up with another game. He said he doesn't care if one clip aired before another one. Howard told the guy to give him one. The caller started to tell him one but Howard said he's done and hung up on him. He said he didn't care. Robin said not every thought is a good one.
Howard said he has a message that Richard's dad left for him. It turns out his mother's crawdad died. Howard played the clip of Mr. Christy saying that Gumbo died and she's without a pet now. Howard asked what a crawdad is. Fred said it looks like a small lobster. He said it's an insignificant animal. Howard asked if it was really a pet. Richard said it was kind of. He said it's like a crawfish that you eat in New Orleans.
Howard asked Richard if he ever met this Gumbo. Richard said he never did. Howard asked how old it was. Richard said it was like 4 or 6 months. Howard asked if they can eat it after it dies. Richard said no because the meat may not be good.
Howard played another message Richard's dad left about frying turtles. He said you have to cut the head off first. He said then you turn him over and cut his legs off at the sharp paws. He said then he would take a hatchet and chop underneath. He said then you peel that off and cut out the meat starting at the legs. Then they cut it up and fry it.
Howard asked if Sal was crying when he heard that since he thinks he was a turtle. Richard said Sal was a sea turtle so that's different than this kind of turtle. Howard asked if he felt bad for the turtle. Richard said snapping turtles are mean looking. He said he never did like the taste. Howard said it seems like his dad likes eating anything.
Howard said they found some audio of some turtles having sex. Howard said it's really weird. Howard said the thing looks like it's human when it opens its mouth. Howard said that's a real turtle making that noise. Howard said the female looks like she just wants to get out of the room. Howard said the female makes noise too. He said it's really weird. He played the clips and they did sound kind of human. Howard said you can see that stuff on the internet.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he is in charge of planning a holiday party and he got some favors to give away so he got 25 of the North Shore calendars. Howard thanked him and the rest of the fans who bought those calendars. The caller said his family has gotten a bunch of dogs from North Shore. The guy asked to win tickets but Howard said he doesn't have a set to give him. He said he can only give away a pair or two a day and he already gave away two today.
Howard said this birthday show is going to be great. He said he may not even be good enough to show up. Howard mentioned where you can enter to win.
Howard said they have a contest going on where you can win a date with JD to the birthday show. Howard said they're going to have JD pick someone to go with him. Howard said you can email them to enter. Just email them at email@example.com
Howard said that Jon Leiberman does a show on Monday nights where he has people like Joey Boots and High Pitch Eric on with him. Howard played a clip from last night's show where they were discussing Donald Trump and if he should run for office. High Pitch was asking to meet Trump since they were talking to one of his people on the phone. Howard said Eric became consumed with meeting Trump. Howard said Jon had to ask Eric to get off his iPad the whole time because he wouldn't let it go. Eric said he was tweeting to someone and saying that he wanted to meet Donald Trump. He was also face timing with Mariann from Brooklyn. Howard said that show happens at 5pm every day on Howard 101. Howard said he had to take a break after that.
Howard came back and said he can't believe those guys sit around playing Xbox all day long. Howard said he was watching some of the Nelson Mandela funeral and he was kind of disappointed. He said people over there dress like they do in America. Howard said he was expecting King Joffers kind of clothes. Howard said he was so disappointed. Howard said the only guy who dresses like that is Desmond Tutu.
Howard said he saw that Alaska is going to legalize marijuana. Howard said he was wondering why they need to do that. Howard said if you're willing to live in that shithole you should be free to do anything you want. Howard said you should be free to run around naked. He said they must be high already because they voted for Sarah Palin.
Howard said Sarah Palin is a fucking moron. Howard said he heard some tape of her and it's wild. He said she's so annoying. Howard said he doesn't hate conservatives either. He has some conservative views too. He said that Palin is angry about atheists trying to take away her Christmas. Howard said she says they're aborting Jesus from Christmas. Howard said there is zero danger of Christmas being taken away. He said most people in this country are Christian. He said it's not going anywhere. Howard said what's happening is that people are saying we don't need to mix government with religion. Howard said they have a 15 foot high Christmas tree in their lobby there. He said no one cares.
Howard played the clip of Sarah Palin talking about her Christmas being taken away by the atheists. She was at Liberty University talking about this stuff. Palin was saying that atheists are trying to abort Jesus from Christmas. Howard asked what that bullshit is. Howard said she can't talk about anything real because she doesn't have any information about it. Howard played more of the clip and said she should just shut up. Howard said it's crazy.
Howard said Carrie Underwood got on Twitter and said that mean people need Jesus. Howard said anyone who criticizes her performance needs Jesus. He said she thinks that they can only be right if they have Jesus. Howard said they can't criticize her at all. Howard said he has news for her. He said he speaks to Jesus ever night and he says that she's the worst actress he's ever seen. He said that he said being crucified was less painful than watching her in anything. Howard said Jesus said to him that she should spend more time with an acting coach than paying attention to him.
Howard said he has Chris and Sean Collins sitting in the studio. They're brothers. Chris said Sean grew up in Alaska actually. Sean said he lived there for like 12 years. Chris lived with his dad and Sean lived with his mom. They're actually half brothers.
Howard said they donated some money to North shore. They said it was actually the Long Island Bulldog Rescue. Howard said they won the chance to sit in today. Howard said these bulldogs are cute but people don't realize how much maintenance they are. Howard said it's a lot of work.
Howard asked if they had anything to plug. One of the guys said he painted a picture of Howard as a bulldog that they're auditioning off. The guy said it was Howard as a baby bulldog. Howard said he'll hang that somewhere there. Howard said if it had sucked he would have thrown them out of there. Howard thanked them for the picture. Howard said Chris is the official artist for the Long Island Bulldog Rescue event that's happening tonight.
Howard said there's a story in the paper about a woman who injected a flesh eating drug into her genitals. Howard said he's not sure how you get a hold of something like that. Howard said now the woman's vagina is rotted. Howard said he was thinking that most guys would still fuck her. Howard said that won't even slow guys down. Howard said he has to say that women should stop with the face lift thing and stop ruining their faces. Howard said Sharon Osborne got her vagina tightened and she says it was the most painful thing. Howard said that he has to ask her about that when she comes in tomorrow. Howard said he's never come across a bad feeling vagina. Howard said each one is a little different but he can't say any of them are bad. Howard said he can't say he'd turn any down based on that. Howard said he hopes that empowers women.
Howard took a call from a woman who said she wanted to talk about Obamacare since Robin had cancer and had the best health care. Howard said he is a big fan of revamping the health care system in this country. Howard said he likes to see new ideas and new plans. Howard said they have fucked it up royally though. He said it's been a disaster since the beginning. Howard said they have to test the product and make sure the web site works. He said it's been a disaster. Howard said people have to feel confident in a product. He said when the web site crashes and doesn't let you comparison shop then it's poorly conceived. Howard said he thinks it will eventually work out though.
The caller asked if they will repeal this thing. Howard said he doesn't think so. He said they'd have egg on their faces if they did. Howard said he thinks that if Obama backed down it would be a crushing blow to his legacy. The caller said he has so many incompetent people below him though. Howard said if he was in the private sector they'd be fired. Howard said the government threw money into that thing and it didn't work out. He said it's not even conceived well. The caller said the tax payers are going to be the recipients of this. Howard said a lot of people need health insurance but this has been a big disaster. The caller asked if Howard had any tickets to give away. Howard said he does not. He already gave way two sets. He said he'll have more tomorrow.
Howard said the economy is bad. He said they say that the average shopper will spend about $20 less than they did last year.
Howard said he gets fully nude when he jerks off. He said he lost so much weight and he had just taken a dump with his Squatty Potty. Howard said on YouPorn he went through all of the scenarios on the front page. Howard said he had to check the categories column to find something. He said he found the Fake Agent category and went with that. Gary said he watches those too and he thinks the girls take their clothes off too quick for them to be real. Howard said he has to see a woman with a flat, hard stomach. He said he did jerk off to a black woman though. He said he usually doesn't do that. Howard said he has to see the transition of the woman taking her clothes off. He said he doesn't want to see the blow job part. He said he's done by then.
Gary said the weird thing he's into is seeing regular couples. Howard said he's not into amateur. He said he's into professional. Howard said if he sees a condom he's out.
Howard picked up on Hanzi but he was sleeping. He was snoring like the turtles audio that they had played earlier. Howard tried to wake Hanzi up but he moved and then started moaning. Howard asked what that was. Gary said he must be snoring. Howard said he sounds like he's ill. Gary said he doesn't sound happy. Howard kept him on and played some turtle sound effects to go along with his snoring.
Robin got back to her news and read about the porn industry problems. Hanzi woke up so Howard said hello to him a bunch of times. Hanzi kept saying hello to him too. Hanzi said he's awake. Howard said he's been sleeping for like 15 minutes. Howard asked what's wrong with his phone. Hanzi was on a cell phone. Howard told him not to call on a cell phone. He said he was moaning like a girl in his sleep. He said he has tape of it. He played the turtle sounds and Hanzi said that's not him. Howard said it is. Hanzi insisted it wasn't him.
Howard said he didn't know he was on a shitty phone. He said he had to hang up on him. Hanzi said he can't just hang up on him. Howard told him to call on a better phone. Hanzi said he has an American account on Sirius and he can't enter the contest. He said he can't go to the Canada one for tickets. Howard told Gary to help him out with that. Gary said he should enter on the American site then. Gary said he sent a question off to someone at the company to find out what he can do. Hanzi asked if he can go. Howard said it depends if his parents want to let him go. He said he knows his parents are in charge of him so it's up to them.
Hanzi said Ass Napkin Ed can show up but he can't. Howard said that's because Ed lives on his own. Hanzi asked why he can't come. Howard said he can't stop him from going if he wins tickets. Howard said he can go if he wins. Gary said he thinks that Hanzi is saying that he should be invited. Gary said they haven't decided who is coming though so he can't say. He said he got a note from Hanzi and he immediately shot back at him asking what was up with his condescending attitude. Howard said he sent like 50 million and there were 4 pages.
Howard said he has to go. He said he can't deal with this right now. Hanzi asked if he can call back tomorrow. Gary said he'll get him an answer soon. Howard said he's had him on for like 20 minutes now. He said he was snoring earlier. Hanzi didn't believe that. Howard told him to listen back to the replay. Howard went into a live commercial and then went to break.
After the break, around 9:35am, Howard came back and said he understands it's snowing like a mother out there. He said that he hates snow. Robin said that they say it's going to be worse later today. Howard said it's like 80 down in Florida. He asked what they're doing. He said they should be somewhere warm. Robin said Howard shot Beth out in the snow in her bikini. Howard said he was all bundled up while she was doing that. He said he's just the photographer. He said this year she'll have to shoot a selfie.
Robin read a story about people who are leaving outrageous tips for waiters. Robin said one guy got a $7,000 tip. Robin said this group is calling itself Tips for Jesus. Robin said no one is sure who they are. Robin said that they've left large tips like $1,000 for a meal less than $100. Howard said it's nice to tip well if you have the dough. Howard said some people are too stingy with their tips. Howard said he applauds this group. He said he likes this.
Robin read about Nelson Mandela's funeral and how many people are attending that. Robin said she imagines it will go on for a long time. Howard said he's disappointed in the outfits he saw down there. He said he imagined something different in Africa. He said he wants to see something like Lion King going on down there. Howard said he wants to see women with those things on their necks to stretch them out. Robin had some audio of some people speaking at the service. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read about the San Diego mayor who was accused of being inappropriate at work. Robin said he was sentenced to home confinement after pleading guilty to fondling some women at work. Robin had some audio of him apologizing to his family and the he people of San Diego and of course the women he offended. Howard said he's always disappointed when they make boring apologies like that. He said they become closeted all of a sudden. He said we want to see some outrageous behavior. Howard said he sounds so refined but he did some outrageous things. Robin said he made a promise to the court to earn back trust and integrity no matter what he has to do.
Robin read a story about Curtis Sliwa who has fallen on hard times and isn't able to pay child support. Howard said he thinks that he had a baby with someone and he worked out a payment schedule with her and he's not making the kind of money he was. Howard said he was ordered to pay $12,000 a month in child support and he's not even making that now. Robin said children are expensive. Howard said he's just telling her what he read. Howard said the guy was making $600,000 when he was ordered to pay the $12,000 a month. He said now he's making about $120,000 a year and $12,000 a month is more than he's making a year. Howard said someone is trying to embarrass the guy. Howard said they know Curtis and he's not embarrassable. Howard said you can't embarrass the guy. Howard said he's a fan of Curtis. He said that he appreciates the Guardian Angels being down there in the subway. He said he likes Curtis very much for that. Robin said now they say that he had to borrow money from his dad to pay for a divorce from his wife last year. Howard said he's very well known in the New York area. Robin said the wife claims that he was cheating on her while they were still married. She claims that he paid half a million of their savings to the mistress too. Howard said they don't know what really happened there. He went into another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about the violent TV shows that are on TV and don't have TV ratings that show that. Howard said it doesn't matter if they have a rating. Howard said kids are watching everything now. Robin said she was watching something the other day and they were talking about how graphic and violent it was. Robin said that makes her want to watch it even more. Howard said even the news is sexual these days. He said they have women in sexy clothes showing titty and legs. Howard said they have high heels that are unbelievable. Howard said they stand in poses and look sexy in heels. Howard said he's a big admirer of Roger Ailes. He said he knows what he's doing over there. They get rid of the women as soon as they show a wrinkle.
Robin said American and British spies have invaded the worlds of World of Warcraft and Second Life trying to scoop up data on people around the globe. Robin said that's according to recently disclosed documents. Robin said she thought those games were a waste of time. Howard said apparently not.
Robin read a story about Aron Rolston who the movie 127 hours was based on. Robin said his domestic violence case was dismissed. Howard said he was intrigued by all of that. Howard said he lost his arm and cut it off himself while rock climbing. Howard said he wasn't sure how he beat his wife with just one arm. He said he knew he was innocent. Howard said it's hard to beat a woman with one arm. Robin said the charges against the wife are still pending. Howard went into another live commercial read after that.
Howard asked Chris and Sean how they were doing over there. They were fine. Howard said they were in jackets so he asked if they wanted to take them off. They were fine. Chris told Howard that they were talking about their dad one day and their brother Brian told them that they got one thing from him. He said they're all hung. Chris said he's okay but he's not hung. He said he's like 6 1/2 to 7. Howard asked how big he is flaccid. He said it's about 5. Sean said he does okay. Howard said he'd like them to double team Robin for her birthday. They said that's up to Robin. Howard said he'll get her drunk and leave her in the car and then they can fondle her while she's passed out. Howard said he thinks he has the perfect gift for her next year.
Robin read about how the new Major of New York City isn't sure if he'll move to Gracie Mansion. Howard said he'd bet any amount of money that he'll move in there. Howard said you mark his words. Robin said he has a little house in Brooklyn. Howard said he's no Bloomberg. He said he thinks he'll move into that mansion.
Robin read about a guy who was attacked by 15-20 men dressed in Hasidic Jewish clothes. Howard said he finds that crazy. Robin said the guy has no idea why he was targeted but they're saying it was a hate crime.
Robin read a story about the founder of a French company that made defective breast implants going to jail. Robin said they used industrial grade silicone in the implants. Robin said it led to a high rupture rated. Howard said they take their breasts seriously over in France.
Robin read about how Viagra can help women with menstrual pain. Robin said that she's taken many pills over the years for her pain because it was so bad. Howard said he has the feeling that they're going to take that clip and make phony phone calls with it. Robin said that she tracked her eruptions on the show to her menstrual cycles and it turns out she was always pre-menstrual when she had those blow ups. Robin said it was a horrible problem.
Robin read about some Chinese hackers that were tracked down for hacking people in a few countries. Robin said they're hard at work getting into government computer systems.
Robin said it turns out Chimpanzees don't have the same rights as human beings. Robin said she mentioned that case last week and the ruling came out this week.
Robin read about the Forbes list of most overpaid actors. Robin said she doesn't like this list. She said that it's based on the last 3 films that actors did. Robin said not every movie can be a hit. Howard said it is unfair. He said they average out how the movies do and they can have a stinker and a couple of good ones. He said Adam Sandler is up at the top of the list. Robin went through some of the other people on the long list.
Robin said that people are protesting Twitter for some reason. Robin said they're looking for them to help out the communities they work out of. Robin said they're demanding more support for education and things like that in the areas they're working from. Howard said they should have to state their case in 140 characters or less. Howard said he thought they were going to be protesting not being verified. Howard said he thinks Twitter is pretty cool. You can follow anything you like. Even Ore Ida Potatoes.
Robin had some audio of a guy talking about how to test for a healthy Christmas tree when you're out shopping this year. Robin wrapped up and Howard ended the show around 10:20am.
Jason said they could give away 100 pair in one day and that would be it so they have to spread it out. Jason said you can enter through HowardStern.com. He said everyone should just relax.
Jon said that Howard went off on Gary today and that was expected since there were no guests today. Gary said he warned everyone in the office that it was going to happen.
Gary said he has to take responsibility for the wire under Howard's desk. He said that Evan told him that he knew the wire was hanging there and he thought he was going to fix it. Gary said he thinks he misinterpreted what he wrote to him. Gary said Evan thinks someone is going under there and sabotaging it.
Jon asked if he felt Robin was piling on him today. Gary said of course she was. He said that she admitted she was.
Jon asked Gary what else happened back there today. Gary said Evan is going to check the security cameras to see if anyone has been in there. He said he's tacking the wire up to make sure it doesn't fall but it still falls. He said that there is no good reason for anyone to be in there when Howard isn't there.
Jon said Howard got frustrated and then he got upset about the whole South Pacific thing. Gary said Jon saw this thing about NBC doing another musical so he mentioned that to Howard. He said Howard thought it would be great to play South Pacific songs and sing to them. Gary said he and Howard were singing the songs when they talked about them. Gary said he asked Jon to pull the lyrics and Scott to pull the music beds. Jon said he found the top 5 songs in his head and printed them out. He said he went into Scott and said he needed the songs. He said it turns out Gary had given him the list of the same songs he printed the list out for.
Jon said it wasn't like it couldn't happen but it was going to take time for it to happen. Scott said that the plan was to pull the music beds. He said he went to YouTube and searched for the songs he needed. He said he only found one of the 5 songs that he could use. He said he had that in 2 minutes. He said plan B was something else. Gary said that was his plan. Gary said he asked Scott why it was going to take so long. Scott said he had to do it in real time. Gary said he found the songs on iTunes. Scott didn't have an account to use so Gary said he had to import them as MP4 and he had to convert them. Jon said that he saw Scott try to log into his own iTunes account. Scott said he still couldn't get in when he reset his password. Jon said he saw Scott trying to make this happen but it wasn't happening. This was all before Howard got upset.
Scott said he spent like 10 minutes trying to get into iTunes. Scott said the next plan was to just record the songs off sites you can play the songs on. He said that had to be done in real time. He said that took a good half hour to an hour.
Jon said that's when Howard started freaking out about the wire and then Evan came in and started going off on Scott about that. Gary said this is all live and it's not planned out. He said his assumption was that Howard would wait until the break and come back after that to do the bit. He said Howard asked why he didn't put up the one song. He said if Howard got into it, and only had one song, then he would be just as mad as if none of the songs were there.
Jon asked if you blame Scott or Howard for this. Gary said he's not sure you can blame anyone for it. He said he wishes Scott could have gotten them quicker but he wishes Howard hadn't gotten to it so quickly. Jason said he thought it worked out perfectly because Howard goofed on Gary that whole time. Gary said he gets upset though. He said he takes it very personally. Jason said that's the exact opposite of Scott. Scott told him to shut the fuck up. Scott said he kept hitting walls and it was ridiculous. He said that even step 3 didn't work. He said he had a conflict and the song kept stopping.
Gary said that someone on the phone has a better idea for getting the song on the air. Jon picked up on the guy and he said all they had to do was download the song on their iPhone and play it through an aux jack. Gary said they can't do it like that. They have to load it into their system and convert it over there.
Gary said that they may need to go through Amazon.com to get their MP3 downloads from now on. That might be easier. Gary said he'd give Scott his credit card to use there. They went to break a short time later.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he doesn't wake up every morning wondering who the guest will be. He said it doesn't matter if they have a guest on. The guy's phone kept cutting out. Gary said he wanted to ask if he thinks Howard will apologize to him for his outburst. Gary said Howard wasn't that upset about it today. He said Howard told him not to worry about it.
Jon said Ronnie was in the middle of the hurricane in Scott's office. Ronnie just sat there according to Gary. Scott said that he was asking Ronnie what he should do. Ronnie said he doesn't need to ask him to do that. He said he's not going to go to Howard and give him a good word.
Ronnie said Scott knew it was all going to come down on him. He said that's why he was asking him what he should do. Ronnie said Jon was standing there laughing his ass off. He said he doesn't really laugh though. He just has a laugh in his eyes.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's wondering why JD is afraid of the Xbox One. Gary said it's more of a chore for him than anything. He said he just doesn't want to take it home and set it up. Jason said that it's fascinating how they can have two different reactions to something like that. Jason said he can't wait to use it had JD is upset wondering how he's going to set it up and how he only has one controller.
Jon said that Scott is upset that he isn't part of the Xbox thing. Scott said he's always left out of it. Jason said that they all went to the demo for the Xbox and Scott didn't go. Scott said all he said was that he'd take JD's if he doesn't want it. Jon said maybe he can just pay for one and get one. Jon said he went to the demo and wasn't offered one. Ronnie said he knows Jon is getting one. Gary said he might be. He said he's not positive though.
The caller said he's wondering what he has to do to win one. Gary said he doesn't have one but he does have $500 for him. He said that's courtesy of the Ninja blender. Jon congratulated him and said he can use that money for an Xbox One.
Benjy said he thought there was more involved with getting one of those things. He said he got a blender the other day and he thought about all of the work he had to do to clean it and put it away and all of that. He said he understands what JD is going through.
Gary said JD has a gaming system and he understands how it works. Jason said JD's shoulders slumped when he found out he was getting one. He said it was immediate too.
Jason said a few years ago Howard bought them all Christmas gifts. He said Scott gets very defensive when he doesn't get something or he feels he's left out. He said they were running around bragging that they got something and took Scott's to make it look like he was left out. He said Scott got really pissed about that. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jon asked if Scott is grateful for the ring or does he thinks he deserved it. Ronnie said he thinks he is grateful. Scott said he thinks Howard knows. Gary said he didn't write him a hand written note. Scott said he thanked him personally off the air. Ronnie said that's not enough. The guys told him he should write him a note.
Gary said that Howard locks that stuff away in his head. He said if he wrote him a hand written note it would be very nice. Gary said he thinks Howard gets pissed that he doesn't write in cursive anymore but he does send him a note.
Ronnie said he writes a card to Howard every year. He said he doesn't think he ever wrote him a poem but maybe he did. Benjy asked if you are supposed to write a thank you note in cursive. Gary said a thank you card should be.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Eric the Actor doesn't appreciate anything he has. He said that pissed him off when they have him on the show. Gary said he still doesn't understand why Eric couldn't call in tomorrow. He said getting a dental cleaning isn't something you need to be well rested for.
Jon brought up how Eric follows Ore Ida potatoes and asked Gary if he would ever do something like that. Gary said no way. He said it's a sad existence when you're more friends with a potato company than real people. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done around 11:05am.
Howard started the show talking about Scott the Engineer since he was on the Wrap Up Show yesterday. Howard said that show was fascinating. Howard said they were analyzing Scott. He said he and Robin should get into it too. Howard said that Sharon Osbourne and Julie Chen are coming in but they do have some time to talk about this. Howard said Jeff the Drunk is also coming in. He said they have several big stars coming in.
Howard said they had Scott on Wrap Up yesterday and Scott started off talking about his work and all of that. He said he'll skip all of that stuff. He said they were talking to him about what happened with the South Pacific songs. Howard said you could fall asleep listening to all of this.
Howard played a clip of Scott talking about his plans to find the songs Howard wanted to sing to. Howard said even Scott bored himself to death talking about his plans. He said he's a bore and he's just dull.
Howard played a clip of a bit they did with Scott where he talks about this condition of dullness that he suffers from.
Howard said he was listening to the Wrap Up Show and he really is a dull icon. Howard said on the Wrap Up Show Scott was describing his work progress and put himself to sleep. Howard did his impression of Scott talking about all of that and then snored.
Howard said the conversation got into the bowling ring that he bought for Scott. He said he spent some dough on that thing and did it for him because he felt nice. Howard said he never even wears the ring. Howard said the guys asked him about that. Howard played some audio of the guys talking to Scott about wearing the ring to the holiday party. Howard said he spent top level money to get Scott that ring and he never wears it. He does display it in his house though. Howard played another clip where Scott talked about his display mantle where he has bowling stuff.
Howard said this was the most telling thing at all. He said this is the reason he's spending time on this whole thing. Howard said the guys asked Scott if he ever wrote a thank you note to him. Howard played the clip where Scott said he never wrote him a note but he thanked him personally off the air. The guys told him he should write a note.
Howard said Scott is one of those guys that walks around with a chip on his shoulder. He said he thinks no one shows appreciation for him. He said Scott feels wronged all the time. He said you'd think that he'd notice that someone went out of their way for him and he still doesn't think to write him a note. Howard said if Scott did that for someone he'd be complaining about how no one wrote him a note. Howard said it's true of all of us really. He said everyone expects to be treated like that. Howard said that there is no way to fill that black hole that is Scott's life.
Howard said he does remember Scott thanking him for the ring. It was just a quick thank you and he left. Howard said he never really thought about it though. He said you'd still think it would be a good opportunity to write him a note. Howard said if he got a gift from Mel Karmazin or Jim Meyer and didn't thank them it would be a big deal.
Robin said Scott was going to get a ring for himself but not the top of the line. Howard said that's his rap on Scott.
Gary said they were talking about the Xbox demo they went to. He said 5 or 6 of them went and they found out that the people who went are going to get a free Xbox. He said Scott was saying he should get one too. Gary said that they were talking to him about how he should have gone. Scott said that he was busy so he wasn't able to go.
Scott came in and said that he didn't complain he didn't get one. He said they were talking about JD complaining about not knowing what to do with one. He said he just heard what JD was saying about his and he commented on it. He wasn't upset about not getting one. Scott said he just said if JD was burdened by it then he would take it.
Scott said he didn't complain about it. Gary said he did ask Jason about it. Jason came in and said he did say something about not getting one. He said he had a comment about how no one gives him an Xbox.
Howard said it is funny that JD is so upset that he's getting one. He's worried about not being able to hook the thing up to his TV. Howard said he's upset about getting a free Xbox.
Jason said he picked up his Xbox and he hugged the person who gave it to him. He said it was awesome. He said JD is wondering how he's going to get it home today and worrying about the whole deal. JD said he is worried about taking it home on the train. Scott said he'll take it home.
Scott said he has the older Xbox at home and he hasn't touched it in 5 years. He said he could take JD's and give it to someone. JD said he will be picking up his Xbox today and he is thankful for that. Howard asked why he's so upset about the whole thing. JD said he doesn't have a grand set up at home so he doesn't know how he'll hook it up.
Howard said that he should be able to figure it out. JD said he'll get it set up. Howard said he does have all weekend to do it. JD said he'll do it. Jason said the set up is so simple. He said he should be able to do it in 4 minutes. Howard said maybe he's worried about the aesthetic. JD said he has no aesthetic. Howard said he was being sarcastic.
Howard asked JD how he got his computer home when he gave him the computer. JD said he took a cab home. He said he knows how ridiculous this whole thing sounds. He said he shouldn't have said anything to Jason.
JD said that Steve lives in Brooklyn but they live in two different parts. He said he can lug it home but he's afraid he'll get mugged on the train. Howard said he should smear dog shit on it. JD said he's not going to do that.
Jason said he took it home on the bus. He said he put his sports coat over it on the bus. He said he got home and it was fine. Jason said his jacket is huge and he could cover up 4 Xboxes.
Howard said Scott has nothing. He told Jason to leave the picture of Scott off the web site. He said no one wants to be depressed.
Howard said he was going through the email and a listener asked what John Lennon song he played. Howard said they played two and one was Happy Xmas and the other was Gimme Some Truth. Howard said that was the one the emailer was asking about. Howard played some of the song.
Howard said he should do one of those music shows for the channel. He said he just needs to make time for that. He said he was watching that Jimi Hendrix special that aired. He said he's kind of critical of it. He said they found a way to make Jimi boring. Howard said they can suck the life out of you with those specials. He said it wasn't a great documentary.
Howard said he was thinking about Jimi's best song ever written. Howard said he did many covers but he was thinking about the best song. Howard said some people say ''Hey Joe'' is the best. Fred said that was an arrangement he took from someone else. Howard asked Fred what the greatest is. Fred said he thinks his best song was Voodoo Child or Purple Haze. Robin said it's ''Are You Experienced.'' Howard said she happens to be right today. Fred said they're wrong about that. Howard had Fred play the song. Howard said no one ever heard a song like that before. Fred played the song and Howard said Robin is right. He said everything is great about the song. Howard said this is the song that's responsible for him taking acid too. He said ''What a fucking song.''
Howard said he never had time to make really shitty albums. He said this song is brilliant though. Howard said he's beside himself hearing the song. Howard said the song sounds like an acid trip. Howard said the worst day of his life was the day he took 4 hits of acid. He said the worst part is that he did it to himself. He said it was like he raped himself. Howard said there are so many great things to do in this life and he did acid. Howard said he felt awkward and he thought that was the answer. He said the whole room was moving and it was scary.
Howard asked JD if he thinks Xbox is scary he should try acid. Howard said he really shouldn't try it though. He said it's a horror. Fred did his JD impression and said that his spoons were melting and told them to make it stop.
Howard said he thinks that song is Jimi Hendrix's best. Fred didn't agree. He said he thinks a lot of people would agree with him. Howard said the song is great. Howard said he had a lot of great songs. Howard went through some of the other songs on that album. Howard said Fire is a great song too. He said he could probably name every song on that album. He said he's drawing a blank after 4 though.
Howard said that acid was a nightmare. He said all of these scumbags telling kids to do that stuff too. He said Timothy Leary was a scumbag.
Howard said that this DeBlasio has to forget the afro and stick to the game plan that Bloomberg had. Howard said he has to stick to it. Robin said he is bringing back Bill Bratton. Howard said that's a good move.
Howard said he's reading this story about a school that had some issues with the students being out of control. They talked to a psychiatrist and they told them they had to give them a time out room. Howard said they had to be safe and supervised in the room but that's what they needed. Howard said he went to a school where kids were out of control and there was nothing you could do. Howard said you went in the room and saw things you should never see in your lifetime. Howard said he was out of his mind from it. Howard said people were smoking weed in class and no one would say a word. Howard said he was the only one who got yelled at. Howard said teachers got stabbed there. Howard said he had a guy trying to take his pants off in class and the teacher said nothing. Howard said if anything she would have yelled at him. He said she didn't say a word.
Howard said in the schools where things are out of control the problem is the parents. Howard said they tried the time out room and one kid pissed his pants. Howard said now the parents are all worked up. Howard said in the old days you smacked the kid in the head. Howard said now the school has a problem. He said they have to get rid of the time out room. Howard said he's not sure how you manage being a teacher in this day and age. Howard said he doesn't know what this kid's situation is. He said he doesn't have all the facts. He said there was nothing to do at his school. He said a time out room would have been nice. He said you should shit your pants when a teacher comes in the room.
Gary said they had a room in their school for the worst of the worst. Gary said the kids were so bad they had to be in the room during the time that other kids were in the halls. Howard said they did have that. He said it was Mrs. Adams class. Howard said she's probably dead now but she was a big, heavy set black woman who smacked these kids around. Howard said he never saw her hit anyone but she looked like a real bruiser. Howard said she was built. Howard said she was like a brick shit house. Howard said she was like Refrigerator Perry.
Howard said even with that there wasn't much she could do. Howard said in this other school they have a time out room. Howard said nothing works. He said you can't run a school with a time out room.
Gary said they had a teacher that would throw an eraser if you were talking in class. Howard said they had one of those guys. He was a shop teacher. Howard said there were times when the teacher would throw things at him and not the kids who were causing the trouble. Howard said the guy was a scumbag. Howard said shop class was the worst. He said it was a good opportunity to beat the shit out of someone. Howard said they needed a lock up room in his school but they'd have to lock everyone up.
Gary said he had a teacher that tried to drown someone. He said the kid had pot and the swim teacher saw it. He said the teacher grabbed the kid, threw him in the pool and dunked him. He said he threatened to kill the kid if he ever brought pot to class again. Howard said he wishes they did that in his school.
Howard had Fred play more Jimi Hendrix. He played ''Fire'' for him. Howard said according to that documentary he was a mellow guy when he got off stage. Howard said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and said he's not sure why he's having Jeff the Drunk in. He said he gets depressed when he thinks about his life. Robin said there is life lost early, like Jimi Hendrix, and then there's life wasted like Jeff. Howard said he thinks about what Jeff is doing with his whole life. Howard said he doesn't leave his home for like a month other than to go shopping. Howard said he gets SSI and his rent is like $250 a month. Howard said he has to pay someone for his trailer.
Howard said Jeff is fatter than ever. He said he gained a lot of weight. He said he was almost thin when he met him. Jeff said not really. Howard asked if it's true he doesn't eat after 5 o'clock because it's bad for him. Jeff said that's right.
Howard said Jeff sits around for the whole month until he gets his SSI check. He gets that and he pays $230 a month for rent. Then he uses the rest for food and things like that. Howard asked what he's eating. Jeff said ''Everything.'' Howard asked if he ever thinks about how he's just sitting around waiting to die. Jeff said he never does.
Howard said they gave Jeff an aptitude test and they found that he has a high opinion of himself but he also has low self esteem. He said that getting a job doesn't really pay for him. He said that he loves just sitting around and watching TV but he can't even afford cable. Jeff said it's like $120 a month. Howard said he has rabbit ears on his TV. He said he's watching TV like they did in the old days. Jeff's favorite TV show is Gunsmoke. Howard said he's watching TV like people did in 1968. Jeff said he still jerks off to Gilligan's Island. He said he still likes Ginger on that show. Howard asked how he jerks off if they're going to Skipper. Jeff said he records it so he can freeze frame.
Howard asked if he has a computer. Jeff said he has a DVD player. He doesn't have a computer. Howard said Jeff fell behind on his rent like $1000 bucks. He wanted internet for a Twitter account. Jeff bought a phone and he had to get rid of it when he got behind with the rent.
Howard asked what Jeff pays for. Jeff said the money is for renting the lot. He has to pay gas and electric on top of that. Jeff said just parking it there is $230 a month. Robin said that seems steep. Jeff said it's not really. Howard said he may start his own trailer place. He said that's a nice little annuity.
Jeff said he needs a hook up for the trailer. He said he has to get a well and electric if he moves. Howard said you can't live for free. Jeff said you can't get something for nothing.
Howard said if he had a job he could make more. Jeff said it doesn't pay for him to get a job. He said he'd have to get a job and get a car and pay for insurance and gas. He said he's better off not working. Howard said he's living the dream. Howard asked if he can afford weed. Jeff said he can get some. Jeff said he smoked the rest he had yesterday. He said he needed sleep to get in this morning. He had to leave at 1 in the morning to get there.
Howard asked how many joints he can get for 60 bucks. Jeff said he can get 5. Jeff said he starts smoking and he can't put it down. Howard laughed. Howard said he can't just take 2 or 3 hits. Jeff said he will eat that shit. He said he doesn't care about burning his fingers with it either.
Howard asked about this aptitude test Jeff took. He said it was supposed to take like 40 minutes but it took 2 hours. Howard said this is Dr. Debbie Magids. She gave them another test on the show at one point. Howard said the funny thing is how long Jeff took to take this test. Debbie said that it was supposed to take 25 minutes but it took about an hour and a half. Jeff said he had to answer yes or no and then he had to say yes a little or yes medium or yes a lot. Howard said he has to realize that he took an hour and a half to do something that other people do in 25 minutes.
Debbie said she thinks that Jeff was worried what she was going to think of him. She said she had 320 questions and she wanted to be reliable. Debbie said that she was reading it verbatim and Jeff would get upset if she read something that he already knew. She said she had to ask him to complete his answer with Yes a little or yes a lot and things like that.
Howard said he forgot how hot Debbie was. She thanked him for that. Howard asked if she's married. She said she's single. Jeff told them to bring out the bikinis. She said she's better off clothed.
Howard asked Debbie why she's not married. Howard asked if she's annoying. She said she doesn't think so. She said that she's not married because of herself. Howard asked if she thinks she's too good for a guy. She said she has walked away from commitment. She said it's not the guys. Howard said that she's a doctor and an earner so she's a good catch. Howard wondered what's wrong with her. Debbie said she loves men and men love her. She said she gets attached and stays attached. She said that she just hasn't gone the whole way. She said something about that scared her. She said she won't be having kids. Jeff said he doesn't like kids. Debbie said they should just do this, screw the test.
Howard asked if she wears bikinis. She said she wears one piece. She said she feels more comfortable in that. Howard said that might be the problem. Debbie said she has no problem getting men. Howard asked if she leaves the lights on when she screws. She said she makes them dim. Howard said he does that too. He said they're in the same situation. Howard said he can't figure her out.
Howard asked if she's a Yenta from Long Island. She said she's from Long Island but she's not a Yenta. Howard asked how long her last relationship was. She said she had one that was on and off for 10 years. Howard said there must have been a lot of drama. Debbie said there was.
Howard said Jeff took this aptitude test and he has no skills at all. Debbie said that he worked on a farm at one time in his life. She said that he can't do that anymore. Howard said that he can't farm with one arm. She said that he had high scores for farming and things like that. She said that he would like a job in acting or something but he has no skills for that. Debbie said there is some good news. She said that he can develop some skill for office practices. She said that they test his interests against people in the field working. She said that he could develop his secretary skills. Howard asked how depressing his life is. Jeff said that if he's so worried about it he should give him a job. Howard said he doesn't own a farm. Jeff said he can be a secretary.
Debbie said he has to develop some skills. Howard said he gets why he doesn't work. He said he doesn't care about watching TV from 1968. He said if he got out of the trailer he'd be happier but he doesn't get that. Jeff said he loves Dragnet too. Howard said he just wants to sit around doing nothing. Howard asked if he's drinking at all. Jeff said he really doesn't. He said he doesn't have money for that. Howard said it's a good thing he doesn't have a job because he'd be drinking.
Howard asked who the guy is that hangs around him. Jeff said his name is Ethan and he runs his Twitter account. Howard asked why he does that. Jeff said he asked him to. Howard had the guys bring Ethan in. Howard said he looks like a normal guy. Howard asked what his problem is. Ethan said he has been friends with Jeff for a few years and he's a fan of the show. He said he and Jeff have been talking for years. Howard asked Jeff what kind of money he's giving to Ethan. Jeff said he doesn't give him anything. Ethan said he's just a friend so he doesn't have to pay him. Jeff said he tells him what to type and that's what he does.
Howard asked if Ethan has been in his trailer. Ethan said it's not as bad as you'd think. He said he keeps it nice. Ethan said he's a stand up comic and he does a college radio show. He said getting to come here makes it worth being friends with Jeff. Howard said he seems like a normal dude. He said they should give him an aptitude test.
Howard asked if Ethan is single. He said he is. Howard asked Debbie if she was interested. Debbie said she's not really. Debbie asked where Robin is today. Howard told her to open her eyes. Debbie said she didn't see her there.
Howard said that Jeff will be hosting a night of stand up comedy in Bogies in Albany, New York. Howard asked what they're paying him. Jeff said he gets part of the door. Robin said they must be giving him some beer too.
Howard took a call from Ham Hands Bill and asked if he has cable in his house. Bill said he has cable and it's only $50 a month. He said that Jeff could have that too. Jeff said he doesn't want shit cable. Howard said he could have some cable and not the good channels. Jeff said everything he watches is fine. Jeff wasn't interested in that.
Howard said maybe they should give everyone the aptitude test and he bets they'll all be up for farming. Howard said they could have a Wack Pack farm. Debbie said that could be a reality show.
Bill asked if they're going to be able to come to his party. Howard said they have to figure out who is going to be invited and how they can get them to behave. Howard said Bill might be fine because he behaves. He said Jeff was kind of annoying at AGT though. He said Jeff was sitting next to him and his big ass crack was in his face. Howard said it was crazy.
Howard said Jeff could get high speed internet for like 30 bucks a month. Jeff said he has nothing to hook it up to. Bill told him to give him a call and he'll hook him up. Howard said Jeff just has to beg a little bit.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he worked on a farm for 11 years and then he did some customer service work for a company and Jeff could do the same thing. Howard said Jeff doesn't want to do it. Howard said if he had a computer it would be pretty much like his life. Howard said it doesn't sound that bad to him. Howard said his life doesn't sound so bad. The caller said Jeff could even do work at home and get a computer from the company.
Howard said he thinks that Jeff wants to be admired at work and be a musician or an actor or something. Howard said Jeff is looking at him in a very strange way.
Howard said if Jeff got a job it might make him feel better. Jeff said he doesn't think so. Howard said he has no aptitude for what he wants to do. Debbie said there is a section on the test where Jeff answered his questions on his past life experiences. He had skills in farming back then but now he doesn't. She said that he lives in the past. She said he has no skills at all other than what he had in the past.
Howard said Jeff is one of a kind. He said he's never met anyone who has no skills at all. Robin said she thought that everyone has some skills. Howard said he doesn't get along with people all that well. Debbie said he was honest about that in the test. She said that he may not have had the opportunity to develop any skills. Robin said he had those opportunities but he didn't use them.
Debbie asked if he went to college at all. Jeff said he went for one semester. She said that they ask what he wants to study and he didn't want to do any of them. Howard said he gets sad for Jeff. He said he has potential. Jeff said he's good at playing games. Howard asked if he really is. Jeff asked if he had any to play. Howard said he doesn't.
Howard said he must be good at Gunsmoke trivia. He asked Jeff what city it took place in. Jeff didn't know. Howard said he really doesn't have any skills. Jeff said it was some city in the west. Howard said that's not right. Howard said the guy watches TV all day long and he doesn't know. Robin said it's Dodge city. Robin asked what the doctor's name is. Jeff said it's Doc Adams. He was right about that. Robin asked who followed Chester. Jeff said ''The molester.'' Jeff didn't know who Chester was.
Howard said Jeff needs a better antenna. Howard said he has to ask him some Gilligan's Island trivia. He said he wants to handle this. Robin had more questions though. She asked him to the sheriff was. Jeff knew.
Howard asked what the Skipper's name is on Gilligan's Island. Jeff didn't know. It was Jonas Grumby. Howard asked what the name of the boat was that took them on the tour. Jeff knew it was the SS Minnow. Howard asked what Ginger's last name was. Jeff didn't know. It was Ginger Grant. Howard asked if he can sing the song. Jeff said he could. He didn't do that though. He said it was supposed to be a three hour tour. He sang the part where they sing about the cast. He even screwed that up.
Jeff asked if he's going to the party. Howard said he doesn't know yet. Jeff said he has a tuxedo that a guy is going to give him if he is invited. Howard asked Gary if they have room for him. Gary said they're working on everything. He said no one is yes or no yet. He said they'll let people know as they get closer to the party.
Robin sad they can't play into the megalomania and tell him he's going. Jeff said that Howard told Mariann that she's going. Howard said she'll be there then. Howard said there's a good chance Jeff will be there but he can't say for sure. Debbie asked if she can go as his date. She said she was just kidding. Jeff said that he has to plug this guy for the tux. He said his name is Anthony from Tux Ego. Howard said that's a horrible name. Howard said that's what he hates about renting a tux.
Howard said maybe Jeff can bring Ethan with him. He said Ethan must have something better he could do for a living. Ethan said he just graduated college so he's looking for a job now. Howard said he can stick with Jeff and stay unemployed.
Howard said it's always nice seeing Jeff. Howard said he is a survivor. Howard wished Ethan luck with his job search. Robin asked what he majored in. Ethan said he's a journalism major and he's looking to get into marketing.
Jeff said he's doing a movie called B-Roll and he plays a homeless person in that. Howard gave Debbie some plugs for her stuff and thanked her for helping. Jeff thanked her for making him look like a loser. Howard gave Jeff some other plugs for what he's doing and said you can find out more at JeffCurro.com
Howard said the last time Jeff got laid was with that porn star Tabitha Stevens. Jeff said he had that other porn star bitch who cried. Howard said that's right. Howard asked if Fred had that clip. Fred said he's looking for it. Jeff said her name was Cindy Crawford. Fred wasn't able to find it.
Howard asked Ethan when he got laid last. Ethan said it was last year. Howard asked why he can't get chicks. Ethan said maybe because he's fat. Howard said he's not that fat.
JD came in and told Howard where the crying clip was. Howard played the clip of the porn star crying after she was with Jeff. Jeff said he is a charmer. Howard asked if that's what every date he has ends up like. Howard said he's sure someone would enjoy it. He said he had women cry over him too. Robin said at least Jeff isn't making anyone cry anymore.
Howard asked Jeff if he likes being on his own. Jeff said he's fine. Debbie said that she doesn't think anyone wants to be alone. Howard said she does. Debbie said she doesn't want to be alone. She said everyone wants companionship and love. Howard said Jeff doesn't. Robin asked if Jeff has ever had a girlfriend. Jeff said he has had several. Howard asked when he last had one. Jeff said it as pre-accident. He said that was about 25 years ago. Debbie said if he had a job maybe he'd have a girlfriend. Howard said he'll never get out and work for a little money like he did. Howard said Jeff probably had more of an advantage than he did when he started out. Howard said he lived in a one room with a cot that barely fit in the room. Howard said he wasn't able to have radio or TV. He said he had to pay $100 a month for rent. He said it was a monastery he lived in.
Howard said Jeff is looking at the end game and not the rest of it. He said that now he's getting depressed. Howard said he has him down. Howard said he gave them all their plugs. Howard asked if Ethan had anything to plug. Ethan said he has a podcast called Alternative to Sleeping with Ethan. Howard said that's like doing a show in your bedroom. Howard said he has to go out and work for the man and work for a station. He said he can do it. Ethan said he's not sure he could make money with radio. Howard said radio is dying. He said Rush Limbaugh is making a fortune though. Ethan said he's not a douche bag so he can't do that. Howard said he could do what Ryan Seacrest is doing. Howard said everyone wants to run the company right away. He said he has to work his way up.
Howard asked how Ethan got to Jeff. Ethan said he called Shuli and put together a comedy show for him. Robin said most people call the show trying to meet Howard. Howard said he has his sights set low.
Howard asked Ethan to tell them a joke. Ethan told one about losing 5 pounds when he got on the scale. He said he didn't know his pubes weighed so much. Howard laughed. Robin said she didn't think it was that funny. Jeff told a joke about Eric the Actor and getting a Munchkin Blumpkin. They had to figure out what he was talking about. Howard said he just made Ethan seem like Seinfeld. Howard wrapped up, gave some more plugs, and then went to break.
Howard came back and said that Sharon Osbourne and Julie Chen are there. He said you can see them on The Talk on CBS. Howard said he's been waiting for these two to come in. Howard said they look so glamorous this morning. Howard said he just came off Jeff the Drunk's interview and he needs some glamour.
Julie asked if they were on. Howard said no but then said that they were. Howard said that the ratings are up for The Talk. Howard said that Sharon is doing the X-Factor in England. She has to travel to be back to do The Talk every Monday though. He said she must have enough money. Sharon said that she is a TV whore. She said that she enjoys it. Howard asked who smells so good. Julie said it must be a mix of their perfumes and hair sprays.
Julie said that Sharon is a workaholic. Julie said she's guilty of the same thing. She said she does Big Brother and she used to do the news and do Big Brother. Julie said that she thinks it's a good work ethic for both of them. She said she and Sharon started working at a young age and they wanted to be taken seriously. She said that they had to work twice as hard to get respect from others in the business. Howard asked if it's almost impossible to resist the work. Sharon said it's not just the money. She said that the X-Factor pays very well. Howard said they're in England though. He asked how they can pay well. Sharon said they pay better in England and Australia than they do here. Sharon said she was asked to do the Australian X-Factor but the flight was 17 hours and she just can't do that.
Howard said he has to ask Sharon about her vagina tightening. Howard said he doesn't want to be crude but he wondered if Julie has ever seen it or stuck her finger in it. Howard said he'll fuck anyone and he doesn't care about a tight vagina. Sharon asked if he would stick his penis in a bucket. Howard said he would. Sharon said her's wasn't like that though. She said she is fed up with people asking her what she's had done this week or this month. Sharon said she turned around to someone in England when he asked what surgery she had. She said that Colin Farrell was there and she knows he has a penis like a salami. Sharon said she told them that she had her vagina tightened but that's not true. She said that she was just playing with them. Howard said he feels like she did have it done and she's embarrassed. Sharon said she really didn't. Sharon said she made it all up. Howard had her swear on her children's lives. She did that and Julie said that she does that all the time.
Howard said that their comments about the surgery were all over the place. Julie said she had surgery done to make her eyes look bigger. She said that they were goofing around with the vagina stuff. She said they were telling people that she had her vagina made to look like her old eyes.
Howard said that Julie had her eyes done because someone in the news told her that she'd never be an anchor. Julie said she wanted to get out of working for this bozo who told her that she'd never be an anchor because of the way she looked. Julie said an agent told her that if she did have her eyes done she'd go from Dayton, Ohio to a major news outlet. That's why she had it done.
Howard said he thinks that Julie had it done because she really wanted to have it done. Julie said she never claimed she was bullied into it. She said she's glad she did it. Julie said that she thought the advice was good. She said as soon as it was done she got a better job. Sharon said this was a long time ago. Julie said it was in 1995. Howard said you didn't see a lot of Asian women on the news.
Julie said this guy who hired her in Dayton ended up moving to Washington DC and he didn't take her with him. She had a 3 year contract there in Dayton. Howard said she was only 25 years old at the time. She said she thought she was behind at the time. Julie said she spent 4 years looking for her first on air job. She said everyone else in her class got a job but she didn't.
Howard said he can't believe that a news director never asked her for sex. Howard said she is one of the sexiest women. Howard said he has seen her trying on clothing for her husband and it's like a fashion show. Howard said it's so much fun. Julie said that was pre-baby body. Howard said he was jerking off right there in the store.
Howard asked if Julie ever had any news directors come on to her. She said she never did. Howard said that she did end up with Les Moonves though. Julie said she had secret crush on him and he said that he never knew. She said that he ended up kissing her by the coat check one night and that's when things happened.
Howard said that those corporate parties aren't much fun. Sharon said that she and Howard just don't fit in. Julie told Howard that Sharon was going around at one of the parties telling people that Sara Gilbert was a pussy licker. She said she had Sara with her when she was doing it.
Howard said he misses Sharon on AGT. Sharon said she misses Howard so much. Howard said that he sits in his dressing room and never leaves until they call him to judge the talent. Howard said he used to play with Sharon a lot on the show. He said she was the most fun. Howard said she would lean over to him and say ''Look at this asshole'' and things like that. Sharon would tell him that someone looked like a pedophhile and things like that. Howard said then she'd say that she was going to put the guy through. Howard said she's the biggest phony.
Sharon said there was a pole dancer who was rather large. She said that she asked Howard if he'd lick that pole for 10 million. Howard said he worried that it would smell like her pussy. Howard said that something would come over Sharon and she'd be very motherly. Howard said they had a lot of fun together on the show. Sharon said he should just take the money and go home.
Howard asked if she's upset about fighting NBC over them firing her son. Sharon said she realized that she just can't play the corporate game. She said she isn't good at kissing ass. Howard said she works with Simon Cowell and she wrote about how he has a little dick. Howard said Simon hired her back anyway. Howard said Sharon told him it's show business and most people will make up. Simon Cowell has respect for her and Sharon has respect for him.
Howard said he went on vacation and ran into Julie and Les. He said that he had a nice conversation with them. Howard said he was thinking about Les and if he has a big penis. Sharon said that people who are charismatic and know what they're doing don't need a large penis. Howard asked if Sharon is saying he has a small penis. Sharon said she didn't say that. She said it just doesn't matter. She said if they know what they're doing then they don't care.
Howard said the ratings are going up and up on The Talk. Howard said Sharon has so much drive she's going to England to do another show. Sharon said that she doesn't mind doing it. Julie said Howard can understand this. She said when you get an enticing offer you have to say yes. She said that Sharon doesn't say yes to everything. Howard asked what she has turned down. Sharon said she can lie. Julie said she turned down American Idol. Howard said she has to be lying. Sharon said she is.
Sharon told Howard that she went to theater school and she couldn't act for shit. She said it's her time now. She said she nearly died and she's still here. Julie said when the phone stops ringing then they won't be happy. Howard said he's going to get out as soon as Fred doesn't need to work anymore. Howard said that may be 2049.
Sharon said Howard is doing this and the advertisers know he's safe. Sharon said that the fans know what Howard is and he will end up with his own talk show on TV. Howard said he doesn't want that. Howard said he had that offer when they wanted him to take over for Joan Rivers on FOX. Howard said he said no. Howard said he had a contract in radio and he was on fire. He said they were going to make him look like an asshole with a 13 week run. Howard said he's not looking for that kind of job. Sharon said he was going to leave AGT and he's still there.
Sharon said she was getting paid $70,000 a show to do AGT. She said that Howie was getting $100,000 a show. Howard asked what that works out to be a year. Sharon said Howard is getting too fucking much but she's happy they're paying him that. Howard said that the show is doing well. Howard said the ratings went up this year. Sharon said she thought they went down. Howard said they're doing well enough to pay him what they pay him. Howard said Sharon doesn't need to hate them so much. Howard said he has hated NBC and hated Les Moonves too. Howard said Les sued him. Howard said he met with Les about them suing him and Les just told Joel to tell him why they were doing it. Howard said Les was going to sue him and he had to go get lawyers. Howard said he didn't do a fucking thing wrong. He said that's why he got upset.
Howard said he sued Sirius and they ended up throwing it right out of court. Julie said Howard and Les made up and they love each other now. Howard said he loves Les. Julie said Howard went on David Letterman wearing a ''I Hate Les'' T-shirt with a picture of her and her husband on it. Howard said he pulled in about 6 people in a room to plot against Les. Howard said he was going to go after him with his ex-wife and things like that. Howard said he called a press conference and he had this all planned out because he was fighting for his life. Howard said a year later he forgets. He was hanging by the pool with Les a year later.
Howard asked if Julie and Sharon are happy with their show. They were very happy. Howard asked Julie if she's had any other work done other than her eyes. She said she hasn't. She said she hasn't even had her nose done. She said she doesn't do Botox either. She said she has a very oily skin and that helps stop wrinkles. Howard asked if she will do face lifts or anything. Julie said she doesn't think she needs to. She said her mother is in her 80s and she looks great. She said that she doesn't think she'll need anything else done. Julie said that she won't rule it out though.
Howard said he has had very little done. Sharon said Howard had a penis extension. Howard asked if they worry about competing with younger girls. Julie said they really don't.
Howard said he needs to understand some things. Howard said they did a show on The Talk where they did revelations. Howard said Sharon revealed that she fucked Jay Leno. Howard said she had spoken about it on his show already. Howard said everyone called the next day and said that it was no revelation. Julie said it got tremendous pick up. Howard said he dragged it out of her through her daughter. Howard said her daughter Kelly told him that she had fucked Jay. Howard said he got it out of Kelly.
Howard asked how Kelly is doing. Sharon said she's doing so good. Howard asked what was going on with her passing out. Sharon said she had been out late partying and then she drank the 5 Hour Energy crap. She said she does that to stay awake. Howard asked if she chipped all of her teeth when she fell. Sharon said she did chip a few. She said that she can't yell at her though. She said that she can only be there to advise. Howard asked if Kelly is marrying that guy. Sharon said he's a chef.
Howard asked Sharon if she tells Kelly she doesn't like her boyfriends if she doesn't like them. Sharon said she won't because she'll end up going and getting married in Las Vegas or something. Howard asked why a parent can't tell their kid they're making a mistake. Sharon said you can't tell them who to love and who not to love. Howard asked if Ozzy is hands on with the kids. Sharon said he is. She said he lets the kids know what he thinks. Howard said that's good. She said that he does like Kelly's fiancee. She said that Ozzy is out on tour now. Howard said of course he is. Howard said the new Black Sabbath album is really good. Howard asked if Julie ever listens to that. Julie said she hasn't heard that new album yet. Julie said she likes to listen to old standards like Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett. Howard asked if they put music on when they make love. Julie said they don't. She said they are making the music.
Howard asked if Sharon and Ozzy put on music during sex. Sharon said they have music on in the house all the time. She said she plays everything. She said she loves all kinds of music. Julie asked if Ozzy likes that too. Sharon said he does.
Howard said The Talk is compared to The View but now the perception is that it might be passing them in the ratings. Julie said Oprah surpassed Donahue. She said that she was on longer than Donahue too. Howard said that it must be weird. He said they're sort of competition but they're not on against the show in any market. Howard said Sharon said ''Fuck the View'' on a show and then apologized for it. Sharon said that she knows they'll wipe the floors with them. She said she didn't want to hurt them though. Julie said they are within 35,000 viewers of The View right now. She said it used to be like 1.6 million.
Howard asked if it was a mistake to hire Jenny McCarthy. Julie said it was. She said that they used to talk politics on the show and now they've lightened the mood and do more gossip. She said Jenny is funny and attractive but she thinks that show has lost its way. She said they don't do what they started out doing with the politics thing. She said that Jenny isn't on the show to talk about that kind of thing. Julie said they started out saying that they would never discuss politics on their show. She said you can easily piss off half your audience doing that. Howard asked if Jenny would have been better on their show. Julie and Sharon both said she would have been better on their show.
Howard said that Julie is saying that The View made a mistake hiring Jenny McCarthy. Howard said she has to own that. Julie said she guesses she has to. She said Barbara Walters announced she's retiring so they have to let the show steer their own ship at this point.
Howard said they are taking pleasure that they are within 35,000 viewers of The View. Julie said people rolled their eyes when they started their show. She said that they aren't doing that now. Sharon said they had amazingly bright women on The View and it as highly respected. Howard asked if they will celebrate when they beat The View. Sharon said no. Julie said they should be happy but you can't be smug. Howard asked if they will bash Barbara Walters. Julie said ABC shouldn't let Barbara retire. She asked what The View is without her.
Howard asked if Julie is the head of the show. Julie said they have an executive producer who is in charge of that. Howard asked Julie why she was so shocked that they had a girl making racist remarks. Howard said that's great TV. Julie said it is honesty. Julie said they didn't think she was the kook on the show. Howard said that's reality TV though. Julie agreed. Howard said you're exposing the light on a cockroach and that's what reality TV is about. Howard said you can't have it both ways. Julie said that you do want the heroes and the villains. Howard said she should have stuck up for her and kept her on the show. Julie said she did make anti-Asian jokes. She said it's not her job to stick up for a racist. Howard said he has had racists on the show and it makes for great TV. Howard said he would have Hitler on his show if he could.
Howard said Sharon recently said she wishes she had never done that MTV reality show. Sharon said she never said that. Howard said she did say it took a toll on their lives. Sharon said it was about her daughter Amy. Sharon said Amy wasn't part of the show and they were so busy for 3 years. She was only 18 or so at the time. She said that Amy is doing a record with Katy Perry now. Howard said that's his favorite daughter. He said she was able to say no to something. Howard said she must regret it in some way. Howard said she could have had so much more if she had done it. Sharon said Amy gets work all the time. Howard said he admires her turning it down. Howard said he wishes he could be like her. Robin said Howard wouldn't be happy. Sharon said Howard is like her. She said he can't say no. Sharon said she can't say no either.
Howard said they must all share that big, black hole inside of them that needs to be fed. Julie said they have an ego that needs to be fed.
Howard asked Julie what she thinks about the FOX News leg cam. Julie wasn't sure what that was. Howard said they have these hot women on the show and they all disappear once they hit 40. Howard said they show their legs and they're all blonde and hot. Howard asked Julie what she thinks about that. Julie said that they have very good ratings and they must be doing something right. Howard said they should hire strippers and have a pole in the studio. Sharon said she can't watch that network. She said she can't stand what they stand for.
Howard was going to wrap up and talk about what they learned today. Julie said she thinks they learned that Julie Chen thinks that Jenny McCarthy is single handedly taking down the ABC network.
Howard asked about Sara Gilbert and Sharon said she'll show up late for work and they joke with her about how they know she was licking her partner before getting to work. Julie said Sara turns red and laughs. Howard asked Sharon if she's into that at all. Sharon said she has thought about it but she'd rather have a big, black dick. Howard asked Sharon if she's thought about being with Julie. Sharon said she hasn't. Howard asked Julie if she has ever thought of doing that. Julie said she has never even thought about it. She said that she never had any experiences as a young girl or anything. She said her parents never even let her have a sleep over because they didn't know what the parents of the other girls were like. Howard said that might be a good thing. You never know what the fathers of the girls are like. Howard said he didn't have much say in what his kids did. Howard said he wasn't a fan of sleep overs. Howard said he never had anyone want to touch him when he had sleep overs. Julie asked if he did a lot of those. Howard said he did.
Howard said that he doesn't get these boys in school who have sex with their teachers going and telling people. Howard said he'd keep quiet. Sharon said they brag about it and it comes out. Julie said that some of the teachers are predators. She said it's creepy. She said some of the boys do look like their 22 though.
Howard said these two Yentas have told them a lot today. Howard said they learned that Les has a big penis that hangs out of his shorts. Howard asked if Julie thinks about how powerful her husband is. Julie said she doesn't think about him having the power to green light a show like Howard was saying. She told Howard to try sleeping with him to find out what it's like.
Howard asked Sharon about what it is about Ozzy that keeps her with him. Sharon said she adores him. She said that he makes her laugh when he's sober. She said he's the best when he is sober.
Julie said she loved Howard in Private Parts and loved seeing Howard and Robin starting out and all of that. Howard asked Julie if she could have been in a relationship with a man who isn't powerful. Julie said probably not. She said that a guy needs to have a strong personality. She said that he can't take her crap. Howard said she is very goal oriented. Julie said Les respects all of that. She said she will listen to him but she wants to be the one calling the shots. She said she likes having someone else calling the shots. She said she lets Les be boss at home. Julie said that's what she saw when she was growing up. She said her mom gave to her kids and her dad. She said that she was a great role model.
Howard asked what the key is to a successful marriage. He asked if it's sexual. Sharon said it has to be so much more. Julie said sex has to be there but you have to be equal partners. She said sometimes one person will give more than the other but it ebbs and flows. Howard said he thinks he does a good job with Beth but she does complain about him not being tuned in. Julie asked if he's too self absorbed. Howard said that's what it is. He said he admits it though.
Julie said that Beth loves Howard for who he is when the microphone is off. Howard asked if Julie would be surprised if she found out her husband masturbates. Julie said that wouldn't upset her. Howard asked if she thinks he masturbates. Julie said that they're together a few times a week. Howard said he probably beats off so he doesn't have to deal with all of that. Sharon said she's sure that Ozzy does that. Howard said he does it once or twice a week. Howard said it might upset Beth because he likes Babysitter porn. He said he loves that and he's not sure why. Julie said Les doesn't like porn. Howard said that's bullshit. Julie said he doesn't like porn. Howard said she should check his internet history. Sharon said she checks her husband's and he does look at porn. Howard said he thinks that Les watches porn. Sharon said that's not his thing and she can tell that. Julie said if it helped with the ratings he'd be into it. Howard said he must masturbate at least once a week.
Howard said he takes out his iPad and goes on YouPorn to find something to watch. He said he likes babysitter porn and the fake agent porn. Howard told them how he loves it and he's not sure why. Howard said that's what he gets off to. He said he thinks the behavior in the movies is despicable but he needs to watch it. Sharon said it's for his Willy and that's why he watches it. Julie said she loves how they have titles for this stuff. Howard said they have this stuff on YouPorn. He said it's free clips. Howard said they have 10 minute clips that you can watch. Julie said she had no idea. Howard said that they're bonding today.
Sharon said Ozzy tells her that he watches porn. She said the maid caught him in the hotel once. Howard said he should chain the door before doing that. Howard said he learned to do it in secret. Howard said he did it in the bedroom and had to do it quietly. Howard said his mother could figure that stuff out. Howard said she read his underpants like tea leaves.
Howard said he has to get going. He said he has a life. Sharon said ''fuck you.'' Howard said that they are two MILFs. Julie said that's a compliment. Howard said he'd bang both of them. Howard said he told Sharon that. Sharon said she would fuck Howard too. Howard said they are almost beating The View and that's good news. Julie said they want to be the Howard Stern of daytime TV. Howard said the headline is going to be that Julie said that hiring Jenny McCarthy was a bad move. Howard said she can't back down either. Julie said she won't. She said that ABC must be wondering the same thing. Julie said they need to re-jigger the show and figure out what to do. Howard asked if she has to be careful using that word because it's close to being racial. Julie said she doesn't think it is.
Howard said that Sharon banged Jay Leno and he heard that Sandra Bernhard had gotten spanked by Jay. Howard said that she said it on the air. Julie said Sandra is very talented. Sharon said that maybe she wants to be licked by Sara.
Howard asked if Julie has ever seen porn. Julie said she did see one in 8th grade. Julie said that the movie was very 70s and it was a guy who liked to hire women to masturbate but didn't like to touch them. Julie said he was kind of like Howard in that way. Howard asked Sharon what she likes in bed. Sharon said she likes her neck being fucked around with. She likes being kissed on the neck and things like that. She said Ozzy smells divine too. Howard asked if she would stick her tongue up Ozzy's ass. She said she has done that. Howard asked if she does it while he's on his back. She said she cups his balls and licks his ass. Howard asked if Julie is disgusted by that. Julie said she's trying to figure out if she's lying about it.
Howard said Les would love it if she did that to Les. Howard said he knows Les and he knows he'd like that. Howard asked if Ozzy has hair in his ass. Sharon said he doesn't. Howard said he has hair down there and it's disgusting. Howard said he'd never want a woman to do that to him.
Howard asked Julie what she'd do if Les asked her to tongue his balls. Julie said that he loves saying these ridiculous things. Howard asked if she licked his balls on vacation. Sharon said of course she did, it was the holidays. Julie said it's much more intriguing not to answer this stuff. She said Howard would think she was boring if she did answer.
Howard said that Julie is lucky to be working with Sharon. Sharon said she's the lucky one. She said that she gets to work with this very professional woman.
Howard asked Sharon about throwing up on her co-star the first night she met her. Sharon said that she did that because she was sick. She said she ran out to her car and then shit herself on her way home. She said that she had to call her housekeeper to come out and help her get out of the car. She said she had jeans on and she was covered in shit. She said it was up her back. Howard asked if it was all over the car. Sharon said it as all over. She said she ended up selling the car. Sharon said the shit was stuck in the leather. She had to replace the seats.
Howard said Robin shit herself once and she had a gardener spray her down with his hose. Robin said she did that herself. She sprayed herself down.
Howard said he thinks that they'll make news today. Howard said that they'll get mentioned for the Jenny McCarthy thing at least. Julie said they have to figure out how to use Jenny because she's very good at what she does. Howard said she sounds like she's back peddling. Julie said she's not. Howard said they have to wrap up now. He said he has a life and he has to get them out of there.
Howard gave Julie and Sharon plugs for The Talk which airs at 2 on the east coast and 1 on the West coast. Howard said that he has to tell them about the Squatty Potty. Howard said he loves squatting. Julie said she's been to China and she has had to squat. Howard said he has a Squatty Potty thing that he uses to squat on. Howard said he has used it twice now. Howard asked who wants to put their tongue up his ass now. Julie said that they love Howard and Robin and Beth too. Howard said it's one big love fest. Howard wished them luck with the show. Sharon said that they should all go on vacation together. Howard said that would be wild. Howard said he has seen Les with his kid and he lasted 3 minutes. He said he timed him. Howard said he told Beth it was going to last 2 minutes and he was right. He saw the whole thing. Howard said vacation would be so much fun. He wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard said that was fun with Julie and Sharon. Robin said she thinks that Les is going to be asking for something new tonight. Fred played Howard's recent fart a few times.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Sharon has been in there a bunch of times but he always manages to pull something new out of her. Howard said that he worked with her on AGT and he fell in love with her there. The caller asked if he could trade out Heidi or Mel B for Sharon, would he do it. Howard said every woman is special in their own way. Howard said he can't pick one. Howard said he has to be there all summer with them so he can't bad mouth anyone.
The caller asked for tickets to the Birthday show. Howard said he's not even going to play a game. He just gave the guy tickets. The caller, Dan, said he just made his year. Howard said this birthday show is star studded. Howard said he's not even sure what to say about it. Howard said it's going to be great. The caller said he doesn't even need to buy his fiancee a Christmas present now. Howard told him to buy a North Shore Animal League calendar. Dan said he'll do that. Howard said with those tickets he can dump his girlfriend and get a new one. Howard said he can get Giselle Bundchen. Howard said he actually saw a picture of her breast feeding at a photo shoot. Howard said he never thought he could jerk off to a picture with a baby in it. He said he just ignored the baby and jerked off.
Howard said he's all for breast feeding in public if you look like Giselle. Howard said he has seen women breast feed in public and you can't tell what's the stomach or what's the breast. Howard said they don't look like Giselle. Howard said the people in the room with her didn't even care about her breast feeding.
Howard said Alec Baldwin's wife is in the paper and she's on the beach in a bikini standing on her head. Howard said she has some body for having a kid just 4 months ago. Robin said she's a Yoga instructor for a very long time. Robin said that's what happens when you're fit like that.
Howard said there is hope for Benjy. He said once he gives birth he'll be able to whip himself into shape. Robin said when he's breast feeding Howard won't be able to tell his stomach from his breasts.
Robin started off with a story about the Tonight Show where Kirstie Alley went on and talked about her crush on Jack Nicholson that she revealed on their show. Howard said that Jay likes to take credit for other people's shit. Howard said there won't be any making up there. Robin had some audio of Kirstie's interview where she told the same story they heard there on their show. Howard said he's happy that they have more listeners than Jay has viewers. Howard said they say that they have about 60 percent of the subscribers listening to the show every morning. Howard said that he thinks that's got to be more than the 2 million that Jay has. Robin said they should have 12.5 million according to the numbers Howard has. Howard did a live commercial and went to break a short time later.
After the break, around 9:45am, Howard came back and had Robin get to more news. Robin read a story about Time Magazine announcing their man of the year. Thief man of the year is The Pope. Robin had some audio of someone talking about that and the fact that Edward Snowden was the runner up.
Robin read a story about President Obama and how his approval rating is very low. Robin said he was also called out for his behavior at Nelson Mandela's funeral when he took a selfie with his phone. Robin said some people are upset about that. Howard said he saw the picture of Obama talking to the Prime Minister of Denmark and he looked like he was way into her. Howard said it looked like Michelle wasn't too happy about that. Robin read about some people being upset about Obama shaking Raul Castro's hand at the funeral too. Howard said he has a cousin who is Cuban and she escaped the country and they are not happy with Castro. Howard said if they could get a hold of him and shove his head in a microwave they would. Howard said when the President shakes hands with him it's not good. Howard said that's like shaking hands with Hitler.
Robin read about the Nelson Mandela service and how he's lying in state right now. Robin said that his coffin is on public view. Robin said that thousands of people can go pay their respects to him. Robin said she thought they did it backwards. Robin said he still has to go on some long trip to where they'll bury him. Robin said he's doing a lot after death. Howard said they should put him out there like that when he dies. Howard said a lot of fans will want to be with him. Howard did a live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about some deaf people who are angry about the sign language person at the Mandela funeral. Robin said they're saying that the person was fake. Robin said that the person was interpreting but now they're saying that he made up his own signs. Howard said that's a great bit. He said they should sneak in somewhere and have them do that. Howard said he could give the finger and stuff like that. Howard said he bets it was Sacha Baron Cohen. Howard said that'll be his next movie. Robin said sign language is an international language so that would be wild if they did their own signs.
Robin read a story about a bus tour in Colorado that will include free pot. Robin said he can give away marijuana as long as he charges for the bus ride. Robin said it'll run about $75 per person. Robin said the retail sales of pot starting in Colorado in January.
Robin read about the guy who invented LSD. Robin said Howard was asking about him earlier. Robin said he ended up dying at the age of 102. His name was Robert Hoffman. Robin said he found out results of LSD accidentally. Robin said he was amazed at the result it had. Robin said they were looking for something but not a hallucinatory effect. Howard said he knows he was going for something when he found it. It was supposed to be some psychiatric drug. Robin said he thought it was a wonder drug.
Howard said he's thinking about Sharon licking Ozzy's balls over and over. He said he's thinking about Julie's face when she heard that. Howard said he can tell she doesn't do that to Les. Robin said Howard gets strange things stuck in his head.
Robin read a story about America's health rankings and how we're doing better when it comes to things like smoking. Robin had some audio of a woman talking about that.
Robin read a story about how they want to send some people to Mars and they have had hundreds of thousands of people apply to go. Robin said that it will take years to get to Mars. Howard said they won't have an atmosphere there. Howard said that's just crazy. Robin said it's a one way trip too so that saves money.
Robin read about how a woman is going to be the CEO of General Motors starting in January. Robin said she has worked for the company since 1980. Robin said this is the first time a woman has been the head of a big three automaker.
Robin read about how women are getting closer to being in parity with men when it comes to pay. Robin said they say that more changes need to be made though.
Howard said he found out that it takes 7 months to get to Mars. Howard said he doesn't think they'll make it. Robin didn't think they would. Howard said he can't take the flight to L.A. Howard said he can't imagine going to Mars.
Robin read about the leader of Lululemon stepping down. Robin said he had said that some women's bodies just don't work for their clothes and now he's had to step down. Robin said he opened a can of worms and now he's not running the company anymore. Robin said he broke the cardinal rule. Howard said some women don't belong in Yoga pants. He said that he sure doesn't. Howard said they make men's yoga pants and he can't wear them.
Robin read about a family in Nevada that were stranded. Robin said all 6 were found alive though. Robin said you really need to bring survival gear when you go into the desert. Robin had some audio of a survival expert talking about that. The guy runs a store called the Zombie Apocalypse Store. Robin said that the family was found in good shape. She had some audio of some official talking about that. Howard ended up doing his impression of his mom and dad talking about that family and how no one should be in the desert. They were talking about how they only do one thing a day. Robin said the family had gone to a deserted mining town and their Jeep ended up crashing and they got stranded. Robin said the father took charge of the situation and saved the family. The official said that the father built a fire and kept it going the whole time. Robin said they say he warmed up rocks to help keep the family warm. Howard did another live commercial read after that.
Robin read a story about Paul Walker's funeral and had details about him being buried at Forrest Lawn cemetery. Robin said John Ritter and others are buried there. Robin read about how Paul and the driver of the car died. Howard said he's going to go watch Fast and Furious 6 because he just got a copy. Howard said he saw the first one and missed the other 5. Howard said he will watch it now that the guy is dead. Howard said he's sure that it won't make a difference that he missed the last 5.
Robin read a story about some parents in a town in Massachusetts where a child wrote a list of classmates as a kill list. Robin asked what you do. Howard said he'd call his insurance company and lock the kid up in a mental institution for his whole life. Howard said that you can't just give the kid a massive time out. Howard said he'd lock him up like Hannibal Lechter. Robin said that's what's going on in Waltham, Massachusetts. Robin said the kid was questioned and admitted it was a kill list. Robin had some audio of a school official talking about what they're going to do about it. Howard said they should book the kid to go to Mars.
Robin read a story about a Colorado kid who was suspended from school for kissing a girl on the hand. Robin had some audio of the kid talking about how he kissed the girl. Robin said they say that the boy was sexually harassing his school mate. Howard said he feels bad for the schools. They don't want to get sued so they have to do something. Howard said this little kid speaks better than JD already.
Robin read a story about Tom Hanks getting to play Walt Disney in the movie Saving Mr. Banks. Robin had some audio of Tom Hanks talking about the movie. Howard said he really doesn't give a shit about Disney or Mary Poppins. Howard said it wouldn't change his life at all. Howard said he may have gotten a copy of this movie and he may have shredded it. Howard said he'd rather see who made Sharknado and how they got Ian Ziering to agree to do it. He said this is a horrible idea for a movie. He said he'd rather see the JD Harmeyer story. Howard said he can't believe they made this into a movie. Robin had more audio of Emma Thompson talking about how the relationship was between Disney and this woman in the movie. Howard said he wants to know who green lit that and who should be responsible when it doesn't make any money. Howard said even Disney must be thinking it's a bullshit story. Howard was told it was Disney behind the production. Howard sounded shocked. Howard said maybe they should make a movie about why Mel Karmazin left Sirius. Howard said maybe they can do a movie about Scott Greenstein's rise to power. Howard said maybe they can do one about Gary growing a beard. Howard said he hopes it's in 3D. Howard said he had to hear the Emma Thompson audio clip again. Howard replayed it and kept goofing on the whole idea of this movie. Howard said maybe they can buy the rights to Jon Hein's story about how he came up with JumpTheShark.com and sold it. He said he thinks too narrowly and he has to think big. He said maybe they can make a movie about Gary booking Lady Gaga to do her second appearance on the show. Howard said they may have flipped their lid over there at Disney.
Howard thanked Robin for that news report. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:30am.
Scott the Engineer came in and Jon said he was very hot when he came in. He asked why he calmed down so quickly. Scott said that he just wanted to straighten things out. He said he didn't want the Xbox but he would give it as a gift. Gary said he did allude to the fact that he would have liked a free one. Scott said that he did wonder why he didn't get one. He said he does wonder why sometimes. Gary asked Scott if he wonders why other people didn't get one or just why he didn't get one. Scott said there are other people.
Jon asked if Scott said that Ronnie complains more about him. Scott said he does complain a lot. He said he was complaining about not getting one of those Ninjas out in the hall the other day. Gary said it's a weird thing because clients will give you something hoping you'll talk about it on the air.
Gary said he had gained weight a couple of years ago and he was set up with a personal trainer. He said that their assistant there got upset wondering why they didn't have a personal trainer. Gary said that person wouldn't get on the air to talk about the gym so that's why they weren't doing that.
Jon asked Scott if he's more included there than he was at K-Rock. Scott said he is. He said he's right there in the middle of the action now. He said at K-Rock he was on the other side of the building. Gary said Scott was down the hall and not far away but you did forget him. He said Scott got screwed out of a lot of stuff because of that.
Jon asked Scott about not sending Howard a hand written note. Scott said he did tell him verbally he was thankful for the ring. He said he didn't feel bad about it until they brought it up. He said he didn't know that was the proper procedure.
Benjy said that he thinks that you should know by now what Howard thinks about that kind of stuff. He said he thinks that he should send him a note now. Jon said he thinks it's too late for that. Jon asked Scott if he will do that in the future if he gets another gift. Scott said he will. Jon said he doesn't think he will. He said he thinks he'll think about it but then he won't get around to it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said only Howard Stern can make Jeff the Drunk sound interesting. He said it blows his mind that he has that kind of talent. He said he turned his wife onto the show when Lady Gaga was on. Jon said he thought Jeff was good today. He said that he got off a couple of lines in there and he was good.
Gary said he was wondering what Ethan hopes to get out of all of this. Benjy said he got to come on the show and he's starting his podcast and all of that. Jon said he thinks his endgame was what happened today.
Gary said that they have a lot of Wack Packers who don't drive and they show up with different people every time. He said Hank used to be like that. He'd show up with people from the bar who were available to make the drive that day.
Jon had Sal in too. He said that Sal told him a story off the air that was pretty funny. Sal said he had a shop teacher that beat the shit out of him. He said that he really beat the shit out of him. He said he had the crying hiccups. Sal said they were building this thing where he had to use a wooden dowel. He said they had to cut it with a hand saw so it wouldn't splinter. Sal said he was the wise ass and he asked why he couldn't just use the saw in the back. He said the teacher grabbed him by the shirt and his chair flips out from under him. He said he threw him into his office and went crazy on him. Sal said the guy told him to calm down as he was breaking down. He said the teacher said that he had to explain it to him again.
Gary asked if he got a laugh when he asked the question after the teacher told him why they couldn't use the saws. Sal said he doesn't think he heard him entirely. He said he may have been breaking his balls but he's not sure if he completely heard him. Sal said this was like 1982 or so.
Gary asked if he had to bring in a quarter to pay for Lava soap. No one else did. Gary said that's how they paid for soap in shop class.
Jon asked Will if he had any issues like that. Will didn't think he did. Jon asked JD if he did. JD said he didn't either.
Jon asked JD why he's having so many problems with the Xbox thing. JD said he isn't. Ronnie said he should stop saying that he's going to bring it home. JD said he's not saying when he's going to do it.
Gary said he heard that Jason was doing research for JD so he can hook this thing up. JD said he didn't ask him to. Jon said Jason loves this whole thing so that's why he's doing the leg work.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he had a teacher in 9th grade who he called a queer. He said that he got locked in the broom closet for doing that. The guy said the other thing he was wondering about was why JD is so ungrateful for a great gift like the Xbox. JD said he's very grateful but it was something he wasn't expecting.
Gary asked if he a porn star wanted to give him an unexpected blow job, would that be as big of a problem. JD said he doesn't think so. Benjy asked if he would take her home. JD said sure. Gary said they need a porn star to help him carry his Xbox home. JD said they don't need that.
Gary said Will was saying that Jeff goes weeks on end without seeing a human being. That seems to be fine with him. Gary said he wonders what his life would be like without Howard. Gary said this is like Jeff's vacation to come up and visit. Ronnie said he was hoping that he'd get snowed out. He said he would have laughed.
Jon asked Ronnie if he dislikes Jeff or King of All Blacks more. Ronnie said King of All Blacks is a dick head asshole.
Jon said Jeff watches Gunsmoke all day and he didn't know that it took place in Dodge City. Gary said he was thinking about how the cable bill wouldn't be $120 a month if he just got basic service. Ronnie said he smokes a lot too.
Jon wondered if he learned anything from Dr. Debbie. Gary said he doesn't think he did. Shuli said he asked Jeff after the interview about that. Jeff said he'd work for Howard. He said he would work for other people if they'd pick him up and drive him to work. He said that Jeff sets up obstacles for himself.
Gary said he was reading about London's version of welfare and they know they're going to collect from the age of 16 on. He said Jeff is kind of there now with his. Gary said he doesn't think that Jeff wants to work and put the effort into it. Jon said they had to take a break after that.
Jon said that Sharon talked about working with Howard on AGT and she seemed to feel she deserved more for what she did on the show. Gary said he thought they all got the same treatment. Benjy said that she was talking about how much she got paid on the show.
Jon asked Ronnie if there is a lot of rivalry going on over on the show. Ronnie said Sharon had people running for her hand and foot. He said she had the biggest entourage of people with her. He said she had wardrobe people and hair people.
Gary said the first time they had her on the show she got into it with the Insane Clown Posse. He said she was awesome on the show.
Jon brought up Julie Chen talking about her eye surgery. Gary said she wanted to do it for herself and she talked about that too. They also talked about Howard going to war with Les Moonves. Gary said that was a tough time. He said he's been there with Howard a few times.
Jon said that Sharon and Julie seemed to have a good time today. Gary said he thinks that Julie is a big fan of Howard's and she listens to the show. He said Sharon always has a good time when she comes in too.
Benjy said he thought that Julie putting it out there that Jenny was a mistake was kind of odd. He said that no one is saying she was other than Julie. Jon said he can see what he means. He said ultimately the audience will decide who sticks around though.
Jon said Julie must have good job security if she's talking like that. Gary said it's not like Les is going to fire his wife. Gary said if she does get fired then Les is going to be insanely uncomfortable.
Jon asked Sal if he could work with his wife. Sal said he thinks so. Gary said he thinks Sal could work with her but she couldn't work with him. Sal said they get along. He said they could work together. Jon asked how it would be if she was his boss. Sal said she's his boss at home. He said he's mastered it over the past few years. He said that he just says ''yes dear'' and things like that. Sal said he threw in the towel and when you have a happy wife you have a happy life.
Jon asked Ronnie if he could do that with his girlfriend. Ronnie said they went on the road a lot. They did fight some though. Shuli said they would fight a lot. Sal said that she's the passive one and Ronnie would yell at her for a lot of things. He said she would comply with his commands. Sal said she would tan and he'd make her shower it off. Ronnie said she got this spry tan and they told her to leave it on for 8 hours. He said as the day went on she got darker and darker until he couldn't see her standing in a dark hall. He said he had to tell her to shower it off because he wasn't able to see her anymore.
Jon asked if they fight a lot. Ronnie said they argue about little things. He said they get over it quick though. He said it's really a good relationship. Shuli said they really do get over things quickly. Shuli said he had a buddy who got to hear Ronnie and his girlfriend banging one night in the hotel. He said it was very disturbing. Ronnie said he wasn't the one moaning. Jon said with that it's time to end this show. They ended the show around 11:20am.