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Playboy Cyber Club
Howard started the show talking to George Takei who was sitting in for the week. Howard checked his microphone that sounded kind of strange. Howard and Robin both said it sounded weird. Howard said it might be the equipment. Howard tried fixing things but it wasn't working. Robin asked what happened to George's voice. Howard said it's their equipment. He said fixing this stuff on the air is getting old. Howard had him try another microphone. He found one that was better than the first.
Howard had audio drops of George saying things over the past few years that he was replaying. They had him saying Tsunami and goofing on that for a short time. Howard said George will be in for the week as their guest announcer. George said he hasn't seen them in about 6 months and it was very good to see them all. He mentioned Benjy and Robin said it can't be good to see him.
Howard asked George if the average gay man would rather sleep with him or William Shatner. Howard asked how he would know that. George said he's a gay may so it must be him. Howard said Bill has really let himself go lately. Howard said in his opinion he'd want to make love to George because he's physically fit. He said he looks young and he has his own hair. George said it is thinning but it is his. Howard said Bill has plumped up somewhat. George said that he has grandly plumped up.
Howard said Benjy went out and found some gay people at The Tool Box and asked them this question about George and Bill. Howard played some of the audio where people were telling him who they find more attractive. One guy said George doesn't have the confidence and Bill was very hot back in the day. Howard said that's one for Shatner. George said that was Shatner in the past though. Howard said they're not going to judge his call on that.
Howard played another Benjy interview and that guy picked Shatner as well. George said he can see where this is going. Howard had another one where the guy picked George. Then he had another Shatner answer. It was 3-1 at that point. Howard played another interview and the guy picked George. Howard said it was 3-2. Howard said that was it and George just barely lost there. He lost 3-2. George said he's okay with that because they were voting for Bill from back in the day and not current day.
Howard said they have a pretty penis contest coming up tomorrow. Howard said George will be judging who has the prettiest penis. George said he will come back annually every year for that contest. They do it every year. Howard said they will only do it when George is there. Howard said that's the only annual event that happens when George is there. They played some audio drops of George talking about how he loves cock.
George told Howard about the character he's playing in the Archie comics. He will be playing himself in the comic. He said that one of the characters in the comic book is a fan of his and they built a story about that. Howard asked if he gets it on with the character in the comic. George said the guy is disappointed in him at first. He said that the guy misses him at the convention he went to. Then he goes to visit their high school to meet the kid. Howard asked how this kid is an Iraqi war vet. George said they do a time travel thing in the comic where they predict his future.
Howard asked about Moose in the comic book. George didn't remember that character. Howard said this guy was into women. George didn't know that character.
Howard asked who is more attracted to in the book. He said he's attracted to Kevin Keller which is the guy who visits him. Gorge said that Brad makes it into the comic book too. He said that Brad has less waist line in the book. Howard said they were very complimentary to George. He said they made him look like a 16 year old girl on the cover.
Howard gave George a plug for an upcoming e-book (''Oh Myyy! (There Goes The Internet)'') he has coming out. George was trying to explain why he wrote the book but he was going on so long that Robin asked where he was going with this. She said that she was lost in this conversation.
Howard asked George if he thought that they implied that Lincoln was gay in this new movie that was out. George said he didn't feel that at all. They spent a short time talking about that movie and what they thought of it. Howard said he loved the Lincoln vampire slayer movie. Robin asked if he really saw that. Howard said he didn't but he wanted to tweak George.
George said he patterned his Facebook profile based on how Howard does his radio show. He said that the e-book is about his fans. He said the book is about how successful he is on Facebook. He has over 3 million friends on Facebook. Howard said that's huge. George said it grew like topsie. Howard asked who Topsie is. He wondered if he's topsie and Brad is bottomsie.
Howard said that Lincoln movie was so long that he was praying for him to be assassinated. George said that they found out the way he died by the kid being at a different theater. Howard asked why he told people that he died. George said that he thinks that Lincoln will win the Oscar. Howard said that John Hawkes will win for his movie ''Sessions.'' George said that was a very good movie too.
Howard asked George about his play and then started making up his own songs. Howard sang about being a Japanese American and how they believe he's the enemy. George just laughed.
Howard asked George to sing one of the songs. Fred played some musical music and Howard made up his songs as he went along. Howard sang about being Japanese American and how his country turned on him. Howard kept going for a couple of minutes. George asked if they could use that song. He said they'd open the second act with that. Howard sang about Brad and George taking a shower together and things like that as well. He actually ran out of music.
Howard asked if that's the kind of music they have in the musical. George said no. Howard said he was exhausted from that. George said they're coming to New York and Broadway with the play in September of 2013. Howard said he's not available. George said he didn't give him a date yet. Howard said he knows he's tied up all September. George said he'll change the opening then. Howard said he's busy in October too. He said maybe in 2050. Howard mentioned how boring Lincoln was again. George said he can't believe they found it boring.
Howard played a Big Foot Jr. Christmas story that they had recorded. Howard had a Christmas list of his own to read. Howard had some music behind him and talked about how he wishes that JD would stop mumbling. They had some audio of JD mumbling something. Howard said he also wishes that Tim would control his bowels until he retires. Howard said he wishes that he could pee without it dribbling on his underpants. George said he doesn't have that problem. He told Howard to try going to his urologist. Howard asked what he does for him. George said he has an herb that he takes for his prostate. He said that he has to take about 8 pills in the morning and brad helps him get that organized. Howard went through the pills he takes and found out he has to take pills for his cholesterol. Howard and Robin wondered why it was high. George said that he eats a lot of seafood and eats very healthy so he's not sure about why that is.
George said he takes vitamins and aspirin every day. Howard asked if his stomach gets queasy from that. George said he takes some of the pills and eats some almonds but he said it as ''amands'' which threw Robin and Howard. Howard said that he can't even say it right now that he's said it like that. Howard said it's ''All-monds'' not ''Ah-mends.'' George said that they're both acceptable.
Howard said he wishes that Ronnie can get a personality for Christmas. Howard said that was it for his list. He said that went well. He wishes that his ass didn't sag like a back of nails. He wished that his psychiatrist would say he's cured or give him his money back. He said it must be a fortune.
Howard said he wishes that Shuli would get himself on some more Howard 101 shows. Howard said he's not on enough. Howard wished that George thought he had the prettiest penis and that Ronnie would act at least half his age.
Howard said he does not have a pretty penis. Howard said George would laugh at it if he saw it. He said it's tiny when it's flaccid. George said he's pretty tall so it should be proportionate. Howard said it's like a button. George dared him to show it. Howard dared him to put it in his mouth. George said he'd have to see it to find it. Howard said he might need a microscope.
Howard asked George if he's ever had anyone that small. George said he'd have to think of his personality. Howard said that he's hung like an ''amand.''
Howard asked if Brad has a big penis. George said he does. Howard asked George if he has a big one. George said he'll leave that to his imagination. Howard asked who is bigger, him or Brad. George said that Brad is bigger. He said that Brad asked him not to discuss this kind of thing. He said they don't discuss this. Howard asked how much shorter is he than Brad. George said he can't talk about that. Howard said the reason they have so many Facebook followers is because of that kind of information.
Howard asked if Brad is like 9 inches. George said he's well hung. He said in that 9 inch area is about where that would be. Howard asked if George is 6 or less. George laughed. Howard said he's dead even at 6 inches himself. He asked if that's bad. George said it's a combination of everything about a person.
Howard asked George if brad is the biggest he's had. George said no. He said he has had bigger. Howard asked if he has fit Brad in his ass and if it was comfortable. George said it wasn't comfortable. He said once it's there it's okay. He said getting there is painful. Howard asked if he bleeds. George said he has not. He said they don't do it anymore. He said that was early on as they were discovering each other.
Howard asked how long it takes to work an 8 inch cock into his ass. George said you have to work on it. Howard asked more and more questions and George kept talking. Fred had some audio of George yelling and making sex noises. Fred had some audio of George talking about a huge hunk of meat and things like that too.
George said he remembers Jason Ellis being there with his cock out. Howard said he thinks George wants to see him erect. George laughed. Howard TV had video of them together in the studio. George laughed again. He was cracking up as he looked at the video. Howard said they keep that around just for when George is there.
Howard started to make up his own song again. He sang about the size of Brad's penis and compared it to Jason Ellis' penis. Howard sang about them having anal and how they've stopped doing that over the years. He sang about how Brad has gotten plumper now and how they just blow each other. George said he should write a musical. Howard said he can do that along with all of the other stuff he's doing. Howard said he'll just stick a broom in his ass and sweep too.
Robin asked if the herb he takes is Saw Palmetto. George said that's what it is. He said that's what he takes for his prostate. Howard said that he has to be careful with his penis being all wet when he's with Beth. Howard said his underpants will get wet and he has to make sure she doesn't feel that wetness.
Howard asked if George ever rolls over and starts stroking his penis. George said he's spontaneous but not Brad. He said they stick to their Sunday routine. Howard said he thought Brad was going to give another day during the week. George said it does happen sometimes. Howard asked why it's Sunday they do it. George said that's the day they have to relax. Howard asked if they still wrestle. George said they do. He said that's their foreplay. Howard asked if that's what they do on Sunday. George said he takes his shower and then they work into that. He said he comes out of the shower nude and Brad is there nude too. Howard said he would probably wrestle him too if he walked into his room naked.
George said that it's kind of sad because they're in this routine. Howard said he should say to Brad that they need that spontaneity. George said he has tried to get it out of him during foreplay. He said it has gotten kind of choreographed over the years. Howard asked how they approach each other wrestling wise. George said they will start wrestling on the bed and they work into the sex thing and slow down. Howard asked if it's dangerous doing that with an erection. George said it starts out without an erection. He said they work into it.
Howard asked if they do 69 and blow each other. George said they used to do that but not anymore. Howard asked who services who first. George said Brad does him first and then he does Brad. He said he's 75 years old now and he isn't the same as he was when he was younger. Howard asked if he's still jerking off. George said he does that a couple of times a week. Howard said that's pretty good for a guy who is 75.
Howard asked about how long it takes to finish. He asked if it's 10-15 minutes. George said it's not that long. He said it's more like 5 minutes. Howard asked if he gets annoyed if Brad takes longer than that. George said it can be kind of tiring.
Howard asked if he's ever cheated on Brad. George said many years ago he did and he found out because people talk. Howard asked who talked. George said it was the guy he cheated with. Howard asked if the guy was trying to blackmail him. George said he wasn't but he talked to some mutual friends. George said that Brad started putting two and two together and figured it out. He said he didn't have an affair though. It was just a couple of times. George said he hopes that Brad isn't listening this morning.
Robin asked what George thinks about when he's masturbating. George said that he occasionally thinks about Jason Ellis. Howard said he believes that. He said that he seems to be in love with Jason Ellis. George said Howard really remembers a lot of details. Howard said he can't remember people's names but he remembers other weird stuff. He said he remembers when George talked about being seduced by his counselor and how he described the hair on his arms. Howard said they do have to take a break but he ended up talking to George more about his sex life with Brad. Howard asked if he thinks that Brad would be happy if he didn't have any sexual needs. George said ''What a thought... there could be something to that.'' Howard said that's kind of sad. Howard said you have to get on board with the team. Howard said George should be allowed to go out and have some hot sex since Brad doesn't want it. George said after you've been with one man for so many years you wonder if you could arise to the occasion with another man. Howard said they saw him with Jason Ellis and they know he could rise to the occasion. Howard went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and asked George if he has seen that video yet. George said he hasn't. Howard asked if he knew what Gangnam style is. George wasn't sure what it was. Gary said that Psy was supposed to do the show after the new year but he's gotten very busy so he won't be able to make it. He said that he did want them to know he appreciates the offer to do the show though.
Howard said that Gary was busting his balls to get Neil Young in there. He said Neil didn't want to come in so early. Howard said he saw the interview Jon Stewart did with Neil and it wasn't very scintillating. Howard said that he could have stimulated sales. Gary said that he sent a link to Neil's guy with the Roger Waters interview and he was hoping that would get him to get him in there. Howard said it could end up being a really boring interview but he thinks that it would be good. Howard said he would like to interview the guy but he just likes his music.
Gary said he's not sure how many more shots he's going to get at doing that interview. Howard said it would be nice but the guy has to be up for it. Gary said when they have a book out that's the best time to do it.
Howard said he's going to take Beth to see the movie ''Les Miserables'' with Beth. He said he can't believe he's doing that. Robin said that she saw Anne Hathaway singing and it sounded like a great song. Howard said he didn't even want to know how to say the name of the movie. Howard said he doesn't want to see Hugh Jackman in it even. He said that he is ''Miserables'' to the 10th power though.
Gary said he went to see ballet with his wife and he saw Barishnikov and it bored the crap out of him. Howard said he's going to try and get into this Les Miserables thing. He said he doesn't know how that's going to work. Robin said the music in that play is great and she has to get the soundtrack. She said she heard that Anne Hathaway song and it sounds great. She said they sang live in the movie too so she has to see it. She said they didn't sing to a soundtrack like they do in movies. That led into the Baba Booey opera song Fred played as they were coming back from break.
Howard said he's tired of watching commercials on the internet before he watches something. Howard said some of these sites give you the option of skipping the ad aver 4 seconds. He said he wants to meet the guy who sits through the commercial if he has the choice to skip it. Gary said he was going to send Howard a clip but the only way he could see it was with a 30 second ad. He knew Howard wouldn't watch it with the ad so he didn't bother sending it.
Howard and Gary talked about Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow from the NY Jets. Gary told Howard about some things that have been going on with the Jets and how awful they've been. Howard said the fans are booing them like crazy. Howard had some audio of some fans going off on the team as they were leaving the field. Howard said the players just walk right by this. Gary said that was as they were walking out on to the field.
Howard said he has decided what is going to do about America's Got Talent. He said he has spent a lot of time thinking about this. He said that he wants to discuss what his game plan is. Robin said she read about how Nick Cannon signed on to do another season. Howard said he's glad Nick is doing it. Howard said even if he's not doing it he's glad that Nick is back. Howard said he won't say what he's doing until 8 o'clock. Howard said he thinks that Nick got a good deal. He said he's a good dude and he wishes him well. Howard said he will announce his decision in the 8 o'clock hour.
Howard said he wants to thank NBC for waiting so long for his decision. He said that means they like him, they really like him. Howard said they did ask him to make his decision. He said he had to shit or get off the pot.
Howard said that they asked the staff to write the same paragraph and Bart can tell from that some things about each person. Howard said Bart is such an expert that he once testified in court about a guy who had forged his wife's signature in a pre-nup. Bart said he can identify forgers but he can also read a personality. Howard said the guy is an expert and that's all he was trying to point out.
Robin asked when he uses this to analyze personality. Bart said he travels around the world to teach people how to do this. Howard said he makes a good living doing this too.
Howard said he wants to get on with this. Bart told Howard that he has 5 samples and he'll start with one of those. It's one of the men on the staff. He said it could be Scott, Gary, Sal, Richard or JD. Bart said that this first one trusts no one and he depends on himself. He has a cool and calm persona and had a troubled childhood. He said that it makes him angry for no reason on the inside. Howard and Robin guessed JD. Fred went along with that. Howard asked if he's going to tell them. Bart said they are not right about it being JD. He said that the guy is a pissed off tough guy and he would be a great NASCAR driver. Howard asked who it is. Bart said it was Scott.
Howard said he didn't want to play the game. He told Bart to just tell them about each person. He asked for the next sample which was Gary. Bart said that he's smarter than he gets credit for and he doesn't listen worth a damn. Howard said that's right. Howard said Gary accuses him of that but Gary doesn't listen either. Robin agreed. Bart said that he does the opposite of what Howard tells him to do because he's defiant and rebellious.
Next up was Sal. Bart said that his handwriting looks like an epileptic chicken. He said he's impulsive and a bit self destructive. He said he has an above average sex drive too. Howard asked if he knows who he's doing when he's analyzing them. Bart said he doesn't know these guys that he's talking about.
Gary asked what it is that tells him about this stuff. Bart said that it was the way his letter E was written. He said it's closed like his ears are closed. Bart also said that half of the staff have a certain way of writing the letter K that shows they've got issues too.
Bart said the next one was Richard. He started going over that and Howard asked if George thinks that Richard is gay. George said he thinks that Richard could go either way. Bart told Howard that Richard could lie about something and cover it up like nothing ever happened.
Bart told Howard about JD and what he found with him. He said he's intelligent and socially awkward. He said that he would simmer and then get pissed off and go off. Howard said JD is good at communicating in writing but not in person. He said that Bart had him right. Bart said he would make a good terrorist too. He said he's intense.
Howard asked Bart what he found about him. Bart said Howard was number 2 and he thinks that he's changed in the past 10 years. He said he listened to the tape from 10 years ago and Howard was more sensitive to what people thought. He said he doesn't think he cares anymore. Howard said he's right about that. Bart said that one of Howard's downfalls is vanity. Howard read some of the things that Bart found out about him. He said that he believes he's smarter than everyone. Howard said he can't argue with the things he wrote about him. Howard said he says he has handwriting about him that's like Hitler. Howard said he would be a great dictator.
Bart said he thinks that Howard has changed over the past 10 years and his bravado and arrogance has changed. Howard said he has done it all and he is an elder statesman now.
Howard read about Robin in the next one. Bart wrote that she needs more affection than she's getting. He said that she's got a desire for affection and she needs more attention. Howard read that she tells strangers white lies. Robin said that's true. She said she tries to soften things. Bart told Howard about the letter O and how she has double loops in it. He said that's what tipped him off to some of these things.
Howard read about Ronnie's handwriting. Bart said that he's paranoid and hostile. Bart said he doesn't know Ronnie but he would avoid getting into a business relationship with him. He said he thinks that Ronnie would eventually be on his bad side and he'd be a jerk to him. Howard said people have said he's borderline insane. Bart agreed.
Bart said that Benjy seemed slightly retarded. He said that Benjy hates religion based on what he saw. Benjy said he loves being Jewish. Howard said Benjy's handwriting does look borderline retarded. Bart said one of this things is constant lateness too.
Bart told Howard what he found about Fred. He said he can be petty and jealous but he had some positive things about him too. Howard said he's even more confused about Fred than ever. Howard gave Bart a plug for his web site and Bart said that his basic course is free today for those people who visit.
Howard let Bart go and said that he has some insight into the staff there. Robin wondered if she tells little white lies. Gary said she's pretty honest with most of them. She doesn't hold back. Howard said she's a diplomat.
Howard said things have gotten so bad that they booked her to be Jackie's co-host on Jackie's Joke Hunt. Howard said that will be show 343. Howard goofed on Jackie for a few seconds.
Howard said a lot of people thought that the police were over reacting to her performance in Liz and Dick and that's why they arrested her. Howard said that she's going to end up being JD's favorite webcam girl.
Howard said he can't believe they just booked a handwriting analyst. Howard said Ronnie once wrote to him in Crayon. Howard said he didn't need a handwriting guy to explain him.
Howard read about the woman in Connecticut who got attacked by the chimp is going to get a $4.5 million settlement. He said that he must have been mauled by a chimp when he was a child. He said that would explain his looks. Howard said they must have put him back together the wrong way.
Howard said Wendy Williams was naked for PETA. He said she's very proud of that. Howard said Benjy contacted PETA and they told him to keep wearing fur or something like that.
Howard said Ozzy Osbourne turned 64. He said he's not sure if it was today or the other day. Fred said he thinks it's today. Howard said he hopes he doesn't start talking weird like some old people.
Howard said North Korea has said they discovered that unicorns exist. Howard said he's afraid he's going to end up with one when Beth adopts one. Howard said he would imagine it would be shitting all over his floor.
Howard said none of the guys on the staff won the Powerball. Howard said he's sad to report that he'll be working with them for another 3 years.
Howard said he read about middle eastern men getting moustache implants to give themselves thick moustaches. Howard said they're jealous of Ronnie Mund.
Howard said Yoko Ono put some of John Lennon's art up for sale and she altered them by giving them color. Howard said she should stay out of his art. Robin said she can't help herself. Howard said he was offended by that.
Howard read about how Mike Tyson won't be in the next Hangover movie. Howard said he's in some play now. He's doing a one man show. Robin said Gange raved about that play. Howard and Robin did their Gange impressions and goofed on him for a few seconds.
Howard said the birth rate in the United States is at an all time low. He said he's happy about that. Howard said we have too many people in this world. Robin said that they never knew that they would need less people with the progress of technology. Howard said that no one in porn is getting pregnant because they're doing so much anal and facials.
Howard said the top boy names for children born these days are Aiden, Jackson and Ethan. Howard said that his name hasn't make that list for the past 200 years. George asked if his name is on that list. Howard said George isn't on the list either.
Howard read about December 21st still being the day the world is going to end. Howard said he just hopes that his parents don't lose power again. He doesn't want them staying with him again.
Howard said he was reading about how they want to replace the one dollar bill with a coin here in the United States. He said they would save 4 billion by doing that. Howard said they say that they have to replace paper dollars because they wear out. Howard said that the coins don't wear out. Howard wondered what would happen to strippers if they did that.
George asked if Howard saw Magic Mike. Howard said he didn't see that. George said it's about male strippers and the men were straight. Howard said he doesn't believe that. He said that the male strippers are often gay. Robin said she saw the movie and she saw a bunch of older women coming out and talking about Matthew McConaughey and how they thought he looked better with his clothes on. Howard asked if his chest was shaved. George said it was and he has great pecks and great tits.
Howard read that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are going to get married and Pitt has said that it will be all about family. Howard wondered if Angelina's father, John Voight, will be there if it's all about family.
Howard read about this football player, Jovan Belcher, who killed his girlfriend and kid and then killed himself in front of the coach. Howard said that's really a strange thing to want to kill yourself in front of someone. Howard said he thinks that he didn't like the coach.
Howard said that he really likes his iPad Mini. He said he was masturbating and it makes his penis look larger. Robin asked what happens when she sends a message to him with a picture in it. She was confusing that with his Google Voice phone number that transcribes his voice mails into email. Howard said he loves that. He said he loves that it does that. Howard said that yesterday he went to play a message from Robin and there was nothing there. He said that it fucked up but it's the first time it ever happened. George said he has it too but it does screw up some things. Howard said that a lot of people are mush mouths and that's why it screws things up.
Howard said he has to take a break and then he'll come back and talk about what he's doing with AGT. He said he has an announcement to make about a contest where you can win $5,000. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and played some audio of Wolfie interviewing people about how they thought he did on America's Got Talent and if he should return as a judge. One woman said she didn't like some of what she saw him doing. One guy said that he was good on the show and he should come back.
Howard said he had to make a decision about AGT. He said that networks only wait so long. Howard asked Robin what she thinks his decision will be. Howard said he'd watch the show anyway. He said he was watching it before he was a judge. Howard said he loves the show. George said that he thinks he brought a lot to the show.
Howard said NBC must have liked him because they asked him to come back. Howard said he had to do a lot of travel and everyone was very nice to him there. Howard said if he doesn't go back he wants people to know he wasn't fired. He said they did want him there.
Howard asked Robin if he's going back or not. Robin said he is going back. Fred agreed. George said he would like him to go back. George said he knows he loves suspense and he thinks he's going back because he doesn't want to disappoint anyone.
Howard asked Benjy what he thinks. Benjy said he thinks he will go back but he shouldn't. He said he thinks that he doesn't get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Fred said he thinks that he would be better if he went back. Howard said that's a good point. Benjy said he thinks that Howard has other reasons to do it. He said he thinks that he'd going back.
Howard asked Jon Hein what he thinks he's going to do. So far everyone thinks he's going back. Jon came in and said he thinks he's going back but Howard will make some modifications. He said that he thinks that he would make an easier trip to a theater or something. Howard said he thinks he has enough clout to get another theater? Jon said he does.
Howard said he doesn't have a lot of control over the show. He said if he had any clout he'd make them do the show from his apartment.
Howard asked if anyone out there thinks he's not going back. Howard waited to find out if anyone thought he wasn't coming back. No one came through the door.
Howard said he thought about this long and hard. He said his reasons for not going back are the following. Robin asked if he's not going back. Howard said his reasons for not going back are ''It's fucking exhausting doing the show.'' He said he has no time for himself. He said the hours are the opposite of his morning hours. He said that there was some buzz about doing the show even later into the night. Howard said the reasons for going back are... Robin said she knew he was going to do that. Howard said he is going back and he will be doing his second season of AGT.
Howard said he believes that this is the only show that has this kind of clout for non-singers. Howard said he finds it so refreshing to do a show like that. Howard said these people have a shot at stardom. Howard said he loved the Olate Dogs and they were great. He said he loved what happened but he feels his work is unfinished there. Howard said he feels like he could do something great.
Robin said she felt there was better talent last season than there was in any previous year overall. Howard said he really did think long and hard about this. He said he felt like it would be wrong not to come back. He said that NBC wanted him and it was the number one summer show. He said they exposed him to a new audience and he loved doing the work and meeting the talent.
Howard said that NBC wanted him to return and they needed an answer. Howard said he had to give it to them. Howard said Simon Cowell has said he's happy that he's returning. Robin asked if he knew that Carmen Electra was going to be the third judge. Howard said he doesn't know who is going to be a judge. He knows Sharon is out and he will miss her. Howard said he really liked working with her. Robin said she felt there was great chemistry there. Howard said he heard that Sharon said there was no chemistry but then he watched her on Piers Morgan and she said there was chemistry.
Howard read what Simon Cowell had to say about him signing on again. Howard read what NBC had to say about him re-signing too. Howard said that Paul Telegdy is very happy about him returning.
Howard said that he is thrilled to be returning to the show. He said it's a pain in the ass with the schedule but everything is a pain in the ass with his schedule.
Robin told Howard to try and enjoy this show. Howard said he will. He said that Jason Raff is on the phone now. Howard said he's going around the country holding auditions. He said that he wants to see some real talent. Howard got Jason on the phone and told him he must be happy about this. Jason said he is thrilled he's coming back. He said that the Vegas show is doing very well right now. He said that it's doing better than any of the past Vegas shows have when they've done them.
Howard said he is happy about coming back but he wants to see talent. Howard said if they don't have great talent then Jason is to blame. Jason said that they're going to 14 cities this season. He said they're doubling their effort for Howard. Howard said Jason is the one who has to go to more cities, not him. He said he'll quit if he has to go to more cities.
Jason said they're going to 6 cities in 7 days next week. Howard said that they're looking for everything. Jason said it's going to be a nightmare for them. He said they're going to be on a bus for 7 days. He said it's a nightmare. He said they're going to a bunch of cities and the last one will probably be New York City. Jason said he'll be sleeping on that bus. Howard said Jews don't do well on the bus.
Jason said that you can audition over video too. He said you can send it to AGTAuditions.com if you want to do it that way. Jason said that Robin is even more demanding than Howard is.
Robin said that Benjy's girlfriend should audition. Jason said he thinks she did but the lawyers thought that there might be a conflict of interest there. Howard said he would never show favoritism for anyone but his wife or kids. Howard said he would never make his credibility suffer for something like that. Howard said that's fine if they don't want to do that though.
Howard said he's happy to be coming back. He said he felt he couldn't walk away from it. Howard said the people from NBC have been so fabulous. Howard said he used to dread the name NBC but that has changed. Howard said that the people from Simon's company Syco are great too.
George asked if they're going to the West coast. Jason said they did Seattle, Portland and L.A. last week. He said that they are still trying to find great talent though.
Robin said that the guy who faked being a hero in Afghanistan is still going around saying he thinks he is a hero. Howard said that whole thing was great. Howard said he thinks that kind of controversy is great. He said it was kind of funny.
Howard told Jason to look into these people better. Howard said he has never seen a guy age like Jason. He said that by the end of the show he looks like an 80 year old man. Howard said he's the hardest working man. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a woman who said that she's very happy that he re-signed. She said he was the only judge who gave constructive criticism to these people. Howard said she's right about that.
Howard asked Robin what it is about X-Factor that she doesn't like. Robin said that the casting is bad. She said that it's a train wreck. Howard said he brought in L.A. Reid. Robin said that's the one bright thing he did. Robin said the rest of the show makes him seem crazy to her.
Howard took a call from a guy who congratulated him on the new season. He said he's wondering if the new person will have chemistry. Howard said he doesn't want any say in this whole thing. He said he hasn't heard the name Carmen Electra come up like Robin was saying. Robin said that's the one name that's floating. Howard said he's pretty sure that it's not Carmen. He said he has heard a lot of names and that's not one of them.
Howard said whoever the judge is it should be interesting. He said even if he dislikes the person it will still be interesting. Howard said it's going to be good either way.
The caller told Howard he wanted to hear about this contest he mentioned earlier. Howard said they have a Superfan contest coming up where you can win $5,000. You can find out more at Sirius.com/Howard
Howard took another call from a guy who said that they have to find the next big headliner with this AGT. Howard said America has to listen to him. The caller said they have to find America's best talent. The guy said that the taped shows are unwatchable. He said they're so poorly edited that they're unwatchable. Howard said he offers a lot of opinions during the taped shows and they have to edit them down. Howard said he will put his foot down and they will change some things. He said they actually won't listen to a thing he says. He said they know what they're doing over there so he's pleased with that.
Howard said they have some exciting stuff coming up. He said that Mitt Romney will call in to talk about what it was like to go to the White House. George Takei was laughing about that so Howard asked what was so funny. George said he has his own sense of humor.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he's looking forward to seeing Howard out at the AGT shows. Howard said he's not sure if they'll be in San Francisco or not. The caller said he hopes he is.
Howard said George is over there giggling and he must be on a sex high. George said that it was Sunday so maybe he is. Howard said he had to take a break and then get to Mitt Romney on the phone so George can argue gay rights with him. George said he knew that would be a set up.
Howard said he doesn't know who the next judge is going to be on AGT but if they show up late he's going to blow a gasket. Howard said there's no excuse for not being there on time. He said Sharon and Howie were always on time. He said Nick was too. Howard said he won't stand for it. He said he will make a stink if they show up late. Howard asked George if Shatner was on time. George said they were all on time. He said Bill occasionally showed up late. He said Bill would wait for everyone else to show up before showing up to the set.
Gary came in and asked what he's going to do if someone is the complete opposite of him and isn't as respectful as he is. Gary said maybe the other person doesn't like him. Howard said he's going to do the job but it will be tough if the can't stand the person. Howard said it would be tedious and boring if that was going on. Howard said things could get interesting if that's going on. Howard said that he's not that interested in the other judges opinions anyway. Howard said he has backed many people who no one else backed. Howard said America wants to hear from him. He said that's obvious.
Robin and Gary asked what names he's heard. Howard said he's not going to say. He said every name he hears concerns him. Gary asked what he would do if Jay Leno was the judge. Howard said he could deal with that. He said he wouldn't talk to him off camera but he would work with him. He said he'd tell him he's an asshole and move on. Howard said he'd rather work with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Gary asked Howard what he'd do if they picked someone like Demi Lovato. Howard said he tends to think if they go too young it's not great. He said they don't have credibility. Howard said some people have savvy and show business wisdom though. Gary said they could get someone like Paula Abdul. Howard said maybe Angus T. Jones. Gary said maybe someone like Taylor Dane. Howard said he thinks that the show is big enough that they won't go with someone who is washed up. Robin said they might go with someone like Shania Twain. Howard said that's someone you can respect. Gary said she's doing a stage show in Las Vegas where she sings a song to a horse every night.
Howard said that Taylor Swift would be good but she might be too big right now. Gary said maybe someone like Faith Hill. Howard said he would respect that. Howard said as long as it's someone who has some body of work who has managed to be around. Howard said Howie Mandel has been in comedy, movies, TV shows and things like that. Howard said Sharon did a lot too. Howard said she had a credibility. Howard said if they got Octomom then maybe he'd leave. Gary said she was just nominated for 4 porn awards. Howard said maybe Psy could be the new judge. Howard said he's not even sure if Howie is coming back. Gary said that would be an even bigger wild card for him.
Gary asked if he has any say in it at all. Howard said no. He said that's the way he wants it. He said he went into this thing because he didn't have to do that much. He said it's not his show.
Howard said Howie has to come back to get more Twitter followers. Howard said he loves announcing that Twitter thing. Howard said Howie has a new game show. Howard said he thinks it's a regular thing too. Howard said Whitney Cummings has a new show and she looks great. Howard said she's very fuckable looking. Howard said it's weird that she didn't come in and promote it. Howard said she promoted it everywhere. Howard said he thought the show was pretty good too. Robin said she'll have to check it out. Howard said she had a guest on he didn't care about but her opening monologue thing was good.
Howard asked Robin what she thinks about Casey Anthony replacing Sharon. Howard asked if she'd be on time. Robin said she's not sure if that girl can do anything. Howard said he had to take a break or he'd lose Mitt Romney. They went to break after that.
Howard introduced Mitt to George Takei. Mitt said that he does know him. Howard asked Mitt how things were at the White House. Mitt said it wasn't exactly as he expected. He said the appetizers were pork rinds and pigs feet. He said it was kind of surprising to him. Howard said President Obama was very nice to invite him there. Mitt said they went to the secret room and he was allowed to hold the nuclear button for a couple of minutes. He said they also went through General Petraeus dirty emails.
Howard asked what the White House visit was like. Mitt said they weren't talking about anything important. He said it was all for show. He said he did get to touch the first family's hair and it was very soft. He said that's the first time he's been close to a black person. He said Obama also talked very human and that was unexpected.
Mitt told Howard about how he's spending his time now. He said he's just kicking back now. George said he heard that he was in Lahoya. Mitt said that he has houses all over and he's a very wealthy man.
Howard asked what else they discussed at the White House. Mitt said they talked about basketball and fat asses. He said that's what black people know about. He also said that he'd still fuck Lindsay Lohan even after all of the stuff she's been through.
Mitt said that he and President Obama will stay in touch. He said that they're friends on Google Plus. George asked Mitt how he feels about the tax hikes. Mitt said he has his ways around that stuff. He said he has so much money he doesn't even know where it all is.
Mitt said that he had a lot of grape soda at the White House. He said he had so much his tongue looked like he had blown Barney the Dinosaur.
Howard said that he's enjoyed having him on the show. Howard said that he seems like a very nice man. George said that he has a lot of friends in England and they didn't seem to like him so much. Mitt said that he did say some things that may have upset some people there. Howard said George really knows how to converse with Mitt. George asked if he would like to have dinner with him. Mitt said he'd love to. Howard said if he keeps talking to him his show is going to be over.
Howard asked Mitt about Michelle Obama and how she looked. Mitt said that he thinks their daughter Malia might be knocked up. He said that's just a feeling he got.
Howard asked Mitt if Michele was eating a lot. Mitt said that she has an appetite like Tim Sabean. He said it must look like lumber floating down a river when she shits. Howard asked Mitt if he'd like to be a judge on AGT. Mitt said he would love that. Howard thanked Mitt for calling in and let him ago a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked what he thinks about Cyndi Lauper as a replacement for Sharon. Howard said she's wonderful and very bright. Howard said she has credibility. The caller also brought up the pushing on his taint and how it works. Howard said it doesn't work for him. He said that he tried it all weekend. The caller said it works for him. Howard said all it did for him was make his fingers stink.
Fred played Robin into her news with a song parody. George was cracking up through the song. Howard said he loves those things. George said he really does. Robin said she knew he'd be laughing at those so she didn't defend him earlier when he was suffering through Howard's questioning about his sex life.
Howard played a Little Mikey song parody for Robin. George was cracking up during that one too. Howard said he had one more for him. George asked if there is no end to this. That one was ''Let Me Use My Fist'' to the tune of ''The Twist.'' George was cracking up at that one too so Howard played one more. That was another Little Mikey parody. George said he's getting more used to it now.
Robin started her news with a story about Taylor Swift dating one of the guys from the band One Direction. Robin said she's all over the place dating. Howard said she was dating a Kennedy. Howard did his Kennedy impression for a short time talking about Taylor. Howard had Kennedy talking about how no one dumps a Kennedy. He said they dump the women... in the river. Robin asked Kennedy what he thinks about the Arnold Schwarzenegger thing. Kennedy said that Arnold will fuck anything that walks. Howard kept that up for a couple of minutes.
Robin had the clip of Anne Hathaway singing a song in Les Miserables. She had to play it for Howard. Howard asked what happened to Robin. He said Beth wants him to go see the movie and he's doing it for her. Howard said he's going to go see it with her because she's done so much for him. Robin said she can't believe he's talking over this. Howard said he has no problem doing that. Howard said he will talk all during the movie too. Robin said this song is incredible and it's so moving. Robin said she didn't just sing that song, she acted that song. Fred played audio of Tim Sabean laughing as Robin was saying that.
Robin read about the Kansas City Chiefs playing this weekend after one of their players shot himself. Robin said that Jovan Belcher shot his girlfriend and then killed himself at the team's compound. Howard said the guy killed his wife. Howard said they wanted to put his number on their helmets but the owner of the team said fuck that and didn't let them do that. He had just killed his girlfriend. Howard did a live commercial after they were done with that story.
Howard did a commercial for a camera you can wear and have someone else watch it on their smart phone. Howard said that George should wear it so he can watch him and Brad having sex on a Sunday. George said they're smart and they would never do something like that. They went to a break after that.
After the break, around 9:40am, Howard came back and had Robin get back to her news. Robin read about how the tolls are going up there in New York. Robin said it will cost $13 to cross the Hudson. Howard asked how that happened. Robin said it's just crazy how expensive it is. Robin said that there is a savings if you have an EZ Pass. George said it's very expensive to go in and out of the city. Howard said he has Star Trek money. That led to them talking about what George gets paid for autographs. George said that he gets a good amount but Bill Shatner gets $75 for an autograph. George also mentioned that he did an Old Navy commercial recently and they pay well. Howard said he saw that commercial and it was very funny. He had the audio so he played that. Howard said he had no idea what he was singing about in that commercial.
Howard asked George about his bank and how he's doing with that. George said that they sold the bank. Howard asked if he made millions. George said they did. He said they had a lot of properties. Howard asked how big of a percentage he had. George said it was 15 percent. Howard asked how many millions he got for it. George said he doesn't talk about it but they got a very handsome settlement. Howard asked if it was 10 million. George ended up saying it was before $40-50 million. George said he's sorry he opened this up. Howard said he was going to try and do some math and figure it out. Howard tried to figure out what 15 percent of that was. Howard figured it was about $6 million. George said he's just smiling.
Howard said he should get in on a bank. Robin said they never get in on anything like that at the right time. Howard asked George how he got involved in the bank thing. George said that he had one person come to him asking if he wanted to be involved. Howard said that's where George got his F-you money from. It wasn't from Star Trek. George said that the Star Trek money is about 10 percent of his income. He said that pays very well.
Robin got back to her news and asked if George has ever tried Viagra. Howard guessed his answer was yes. George said he did try it but he didn't like it. George said that the side effects scare him so he doesn't use it often. George said he'd rather not get stuck with a hard on for 4 hours and have to go see a doctor. Howard asked if he can shoot a couple of loads with one hard on. George said it's much more strenuous on you and he's at an age he'd rather not do that. Robin said she has a story about an 86 year old man who says his vision is impaired after using it and he's suing the company that makes Viagra. Robin said the vision problem has not gone away so he's suing for $2 million in damages. Howard said he's cockeyed. George said he doesn't think he will win. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin asked Howard if he's going to follow Pope Benedict on Twitter. Howard said he texts now so he doesn't need to follow. Robin said he's hoping to bring a spark of the devine to Twitter. He's starting the account today. Robin said he will send his first message today.
Robin read about how North Korea has announced that Unicorns did exist. Robin said they have confirmed that the mythical best once existed. Robin had some audio of someone from North Korea talking about a unicorn lair that they discovered.
Robin read about how in Serbia they're saying there is a vampire on the loose and they're advising people to wear garlic and have stakes at the ready. Howard read another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about a guy who died when he was shot with a crossbow and then the guy with the crossbow shot himself.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who said she's glad that he's going back to AGT. Howard hung up on her when she asked if she's going to be the queen of AGT again.
Howard took another call from a guy who asked if he's going to make more kids cry this season. Howard said he will do it but it hurts him.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if the show jumps the shark because the replacement for Sharon sucks. Howard said he enjoyed doing the show last year... He cut himself off because it was so noisy on the caller's line. Howard asked where he was. The guy said he was there. Howard said he's just doing the show another season and he'll work with the cast that's there. He said he hopes it's nothing horrible but who knows. He said you can't plan all of these things.
Robin got back to her news and read about the crazy weather out in California. Robin said that they have a lot of rain that's leading to flooding and mud slides. Robin said another storm is rolling in on Tuesday. Robin said speaking of storms, she saw the Medicated Pete Embedded show on Howard TV and there were times she wanted to cry. Howard said Jon Leiberman did a great job with that episode. Howard did another live commercial after that.
Robin read about gay marriage in a news story so Howard asked George how his marriage is working for him. George said they are married and they are very secure. Howard asked if the marriage has changed at all. George said it's more or less the same. That led to Howard asking George if he has ever put his penis in Brad's ass. George said they haven't done that kind of thing in a very long time.
Robin got back to her news and read more about the happiness of marriage not lasting all that long. Robin said that they did a study that found that newlyweds enjoy a big happiness boost then it wears off after about 2 years. Robin said then they struggle through the next decades. George said he agrees with that. Howard asked why we get married. George said it's for security. He said it ensures security. Howard said that maybe they could have affairs and keep it going that way. George said he doesn't need to do that. He said he and Brad are comfortable with each other. Howard said maybe he should put his dick in his ass to spice things up. George laughed. Howard said maybe he could put his penis in between his ass cheeks. George said maybe he'll try that on Sunday. They ended the show around 10:10am.
Jon also went over some of the other things that were going on during today's show. Jon said that George Takei is so great when he's there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said it was rumored that Dolly Parton was trying to get on the Voice and if they had heard anything about her being a judge. Jon said he's not sure how she's looking these days and if they'd go in that direction or not. Jon said that you'd think they'd want a female in the chair and maybe someone younger. He said they have to blend in well with Howard and Howie. He said that isn't an easy thing to do. He said he's not sure that Dolly Parton would be the right choice.
Jon wondered how much thought went into Howard's decision to do the show again. Steve Brandano said he doesn't think Howard would make people guess if he wasn't going to do it again. Jon asked about the Les Mis thing too since Robin was so fired up about it. Steve said he's fired up about the movie just like Robin is. Jon said sometimes Robin will promote something she loves but this was unusual for her. Gary wondered if she's a stock holder in the company or something. He said he will probably see the movie at some point but it doesn't look like it's going to move him. He said he's not moved by a lot.
Jon said that Howard said he doesn't like musicals but people try to convince him otherwise. Gary said he and Artie thought he might like Jersey Boys or Rent but Howard had no desire to see them. Gary said that Les Mis is the kind of thing that Howard goofs on. He said he loves when Howard does that whole thing where he sings about what he's doing like reading the paper. Gary said you don't need to sing to get him from the bathroom to the corner.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks Gary is a very smart guy and he has a higher IQ than Howard in his opinion. The guy said Howard said something about how he has to stay there to keep an eye on Gary and Gary just went with it. He said Gary should stand up for himself and just call a spade a spade and see what happens. Gary said that it's fine. He said he didn't think it was that big of a deal. He said he's not going to start acting differently at this point.
Gary said he thinks that Howard can't completely veto the signing of a judge but they might ask him for his opinion. Jon said he thinks that would be a smart move on their part. He said it's more about them showing up on time than a conflicting personalty. Gary said that if they have someone come in who doesn't know who Howard is and doesn't respect him then it might be a problem.
Jon said Howard made the point where he just wants to show up and judge the show. Gary said he doesn't think that's completely true. He said it's hard for Howard not to be involved in something that has his name on it. He said he wants to be part of a quality product. Jon said he won't sit there quiet if it's not good. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said Robin was analyzed as telling a lot of little white lies. Jon said she was taken aback by that. Gary said that's most of the world. He said that with the exception of Ralph, who will tell you exactly what they think of you. He said most people tell you little white lies. Gary said that's not anything unique to Robin.
Gary said the thing that got him was when he said that Scott would be a good NASCAR driver that was too much. He said he would prefer that they send this stuff to someone who doesn't listen to the show. Gary said the whole Benjy thing wasn't a surprise. He said everything Benjy does is weird.
Jon said that Bart categorized the staff as being defiant. Gary said he didn't agree with that at all. He said that they're all working for one cause and they all seem to love Howard. He said he's not sure where that comes from.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he's happy Howard is back on AGT. He said he was worried when the ratings weren't doing as well as when Piers was there that he might not come back. He said he's glad that they stuck with him. The guy said he hopes that they bring in some different types of acts. Jon said Howard made it clear that he wasn't going to look at singing acts.
Gary said he knew that they loved Howard over there and they were thrilled with him as a judge. Jon asked why he wouldn't do it. Jon said that he knows that he lost a lot of his summer because of the show. Gary said that he's not sure money is a factor in this so he'd have to do it because he liked it.
Jon asked Gary about calling Neil's manager and what happened with that. Gary said he got a call from him at 8:30 at night and he thinks he was calling and hoping to get his voice mail. He said that the manager told him that Neil doesn't really like getting up so early in the mornings.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard shouldn't be back on AGT. He said he should be doing 5 days a week there. Gary said that Howard isn't going to do more days there no matter what happens with AGT. Gary said that Howard's signature on his email is ''America's Judge'' and he thinks Howard loves having that signature there. He said he doesn't think he'd want to give that up.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he didn't think it was a big announcement today. He said they all knew he was coming back. Gary said he didn't know he was coming back. He said he had an idea he might but he really didn't know until Saturday afternoon. He said Howard has told him stuff in the past. He said one thing he kept a secret for a long time was the Michael Jackson meeting. He said that he never told anyone about that until it came out in Howard's book.
Jon asked Gary if he's tempted to tell people that stuff. Gary said he's really not. He said he doesn't get anything out of doing it. Gary said he did fuck up once though. He said he got word that the next day they were going to announce they were going on the air in Philadelphia. He said he went out that afternoon to lunch with this girl he was dating. He said he mentioned it to her and the next day Howard took a call from a guy who knew it already. He worked in the mail room with the girl he was trying to fuck. Gary said Howard broke his balls on it and told him that you never know who is going to tell someone else about it. They went to break a short time later.
Jon said that Nick did sign on to do the show so Howard was happy about that. Gary said he didn't know what Nick did until he went there to see the taping. He said that he is very funny.
Gary said maybe they should put George in that empty seat. Jon said he loves George when he comes in. He said he gets better and better every time he comes in there. Gary said he wasn't sure if he knew that Romney wasn't the real Romney. He said that he loves that kind of thing.
Jon asked if he thinks that Brad really doesn't listen. Gary said he believes he doesn't listen because things got too crazy. Jon said he thinks that George is still in love with Jason Ellis too. Gary said he's in love with what's attached to Jason. Jon said there must be people who hate hearing that kind of stuff on the air. Gary said he thinks that DePace hates it. He said that it's uncomfortable hearing about that kind of thing.
Jon asked Ronnie if he likes hearing those stories. Ronnie said he's cool hearing about it. Jon asked how he's feeling about the AGT announcement. Ronnie said it's the same thing just a different year. Gary asked if it affects the block party. Ronnie said it was just one weekend last year. Gary said he'll jump in for him this year if he needs him to.
Jon asked Ronnie about what the handwriting guy said today. Ronnie said he expects that kind of thing from anyone on the show. He said he doesn't care. He said he's crazy, so what. Ronnie said according to that guy he gets his revenge so watch out.
Ronnie said he's not sure where this guy came off telling people not to get involved in business with him. He said that he does stuff with Shuli with no problem. Gary said that people have been burned by things in business all the time. Ronnie said he got burned big time way before they knew him. He said he had a business with a guy and the other guy was involved with sneaky stuff. He said he was left with a lot of debt. He said they were willing to pay him where the guy was located. He said if he did know where he was he would have told them. He said he had to get a job after that. He said 6 months into that driving job they were garnishing his salary to pay a loan that he had with this other guy who went missing.
Ronnie said that he got into the dry cleaning business because of that guy. He said they bought one store and then opened up another one. He said they did a wholesale dry cleaning for stores and they did stuff for 20 stores. He said it was tough.
Gary said he didn't know this story until just now. Ronnie said he got burned big time by that guy. Jon said that Ronnie had no idea he would be doing this kind of thing some day. Ronnie said he worked for Howard once at NBC and he spent the day with Howard and Fred. Gary said Fred came in and dropped a card on his desk one day and said that he drove them the day before and Howard told him to hold on to the card. Gary said he made a great impression that day.
Jon asked what his cleaner business was called. Ronnie said it was Lane Cleaners and the other one might have been Ken's.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Robin is the queen of white lies. He said she's constantly telling people about something she was just about to say or something she was just about to do. He said she's constantly saying things that aren't true. Jon asked Ronnie if he gets that feeling. Ronnie said that you don't know if someone is lying or not. Gary said everyone tells white lies. Ronnie said he does. Gary said that Ralph is very honest about things and he admires that about him.
Jon said he can't tell if Ronnie is excited about the AGT thing or not. Ronnie said he enjoys it. He said he just got a text from that guy Harvey that the whole thing went down with and he said ''We're back dude!''
Jon asked Ronnie if he thinks Cher would be good as a replacement for Sharon Osbourne. Ronnie said he thinks she would be great. Jon said he thinks that people look at it like what happened with Steven Tyler. He said that some people might look at it the same way as a stepping stone. Gary said that Cher could use it as that. Ronnie said she doesn't need it though. He said she has a show in Vegas.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he doesn't like Ralph but he wondered why he doesn't come on the show anymore. Gary said he sleeps late. Gary said he used to see him on every week but he's really not sure why that is. Jon said he's not sure about that either. He said he'd like to know. Gary said maybe they'll get him on tomorrow to promote GEEKTIME. He said that should wake him up. They ended the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking about George Takei sitting in again today. He had him do an announce first thing. George read a bit about someone buying a Marilyn Monroe bra and wondering what he could get for a pair of spoiled underwear from William Shatner or some other things from the cast of Star Trek.
Howard said they have the Beautiful Penis contest coming up today. Howard said George is the only one who can judge that. Robin asked if Howard can imagine getting excited about something like that. George said he's sure Robin could. George told Robin about someone he went out to lunch with from her charity and how interesting they were. Robin and George spent a minute talking about that. George said their names were Charlene and Larry. He said they had a wonderful conversation.
Howard asked how long the lunch was. George said it was about 2 hours. Howard asked George if Robin hit him up for the lunch. George said she did. Howard asked what the lunch went for at the charity. George wasn't sure. Robin wasn't sure either. Robin said she's sure it was up in the 10s of thousands. Howard asked if Robin wrote him a thank you note. George said she did. Howard said she was off on that for a while. John Stamos did something for her and she didn't thank him. George said he was happy to be a part of that charity auction. George said he does a lot of things like that.
Howard asked George if he would be comfortable saying no to Robin. George said he would have. Howard said Stamos was afraid to say no. George said he can demonstrate saying no to her if she wants.
Howard played the Most Beautiful Cock theme song. He said that George will be singing that song when the contest occurs. Howard played the song that they had him record ahead of time. Howard let that play for a few seconds. George sings about how he would like to touch those shlongs. He was singing to the tune of ''Miss America.''
Howard said that was great. George said his standards are low if he thought that was good. Howard played another song for the contest. They had clips of George that they edited to sing about cocks being beautiful. Howard said there was probably too much effort put into that one for the pay off. Howard said that the contest is coming up later and they'll have a $500 prize for the winner. Howard said that Steven Singer Jewelers is the sponsor for that.
Howard asked George about his comic book signing. George said that's coming up tomorrow night at Midtown Comics. Howard asked if he suspects anyone in the Archie comics is gay. Howard asked if he thinks that Reggie or Moose are gay. George said that they might be. He said they want them all out.
George asked if Jason Ellis is part of this cock contest. Howard said he's not but George seems like he really has a crush on him. George said he just touched his penis. That's it. Howard TV had the video of him doing that so they put it on the monitor in the studio. George laughed as he watched.
Howard asked George if Jason was getting hard that day. George said it stayed soft but he thinks that he could have gotten him hard. Howard asked if he's ever turned a straight guy gay. George said he doesn't think so. Robin said she doesn't think that's possible.
Howard said Martina Navratilova managed to turn some people. George said that many gay people get married because of society. Howard said that she has turned them rapidly though. George said he spent a month with her in the jungles of Australia. He said he doesn't think she turned anyone there but she is helping people to be themselves.
Howard said he has turned some women into lesbians. George said that Victoria Jackson has turned some young men gay. Howard said he must have heard her politics. Howard said they had her on the show and she was super ''religious'' and she had some wild views. Howard said it would have been fun to have George in there for that. Howard said he'd like to have George and Victoria handcuffed together for 24 hours. Howard said Jason Ellis would be naked in a corner for no good reason.
Howard said it would be great if Brad would let George go out and have sex with Jason for one night. Robin asked if George would let Brad do that with someone else. George said that all things would have to be equal. Howard said maybe a threesome with Jason would be good. Howard asked George if he would do something like that. George said that would be wonderful. He said that if it's Jason Ellis he'd be okay with that. Howard asked if he'd be okay if Brad was alone with him. George said if they're fantasizing he can if that Brad existed. He said he doesn't think that Brad does exist though. Howard said he's going to call Jason Ellis today and find out if he'd be up for that. Howard said poor Jason is involved in this and doesn't even know about it.
Howard said Gary showed him the picture of Shania Twain singing to a horse and it was all over the news. Howard said if someone on AGT came out and sang to a horse he'd think that they were just trying something odd or spectacular. Howard said it's those kind of things that make it show business. Howard said that's what people are trying to do. Howard said you have to think big if you want to make it.
Howard said he was watching The Voice last night and this guy Nicholas David was on and he has a peculiar look. He said he sings beautifully. Howard said his problem is that he isn't a showman. Howard said they had a guy on AGT who put out 5 albums and it hasn't really gone anywhere. Howard said he's the guy who sounds like Joe Cocker. Howard said sometimes you need that showbiz flair. Howard said this guy on The Voice was very good and that's the kind of thing he'd like to see on America's Got Talent.
Howard said he was watching that guy doing ''Somewhere Over The Rainbow'' and he sounds nothing like he looks. Howard played a clip of the guy singing. He said that guy should win. George said he sounds black. Robin told him to stop being racist and said there is no black sound.
Howard said he thought that guy was really good. Robin said he sings and the music takes over his whole body. Robin said his leg shot up in the air during one song. She said the music takes him over.
George asked how he looks if he looks odd. Howard said he is an odd looking guy and he's like a throwback to an older time. Howard said he didn't look cool last night but the guy is very talented. Howard said there are a lot of guys like that out there and they don't go anywhere. Howard said that's what he's trying to do on AGT by trying to find a great act. Howard said he would love to discover a great magician or something like that.
George said when his nephew was 8 or 9 years old he took him to see a great magician. George said that the guy was cute looking and had curly hair. Robin said that was Doug Henning. Howard said he died of cancer. He said he was terrific. Howard said he saw him do close up work and it was fucking crazy. George said he had showbiz pizzazz. Howard said you know there are people like that out there somewhere. Howard said that they relaxed the rules this year so you don't have to sign your life away anymore.
Howard said that show does launch careers. Howard said they have a show going on in Las Vegas and they're selling out every night. Howard said you find the next magician and you've got it. Howard said you have to find a guy who can break through though. Howard said that's why he signed up again to do another season.
Howard said he isn't doing this for the money. He said he loves the show and he loves doing it. George said giving that person a boost is great.
Howard said he's hearing that Howie might not be back. He said he hasn't signed yet. Howard said he's just assuming he is coming back. Howard said someone asked who he would like to work with. Howard said he saw a picture in the paper with him in each chair. Howard said he would move from chair to chair if he had to. Howard said he was thinking about who he would like to work with. Howard said they didn't think they could get him to be a judge but they heard him talking about how he would like to do it. Howard said he would love to see Oprah and Cher in the chairs. Howard said that Cher would be good because she has a history there. He said they should approach Madonna and the Pope too. Why not? Howard said he isn't sure that Oprah would ever work with him. He said they should approach everyone though.
George asked about Ellen. Howard said she'd be good but she already tried that on American Idol. Howard said that Rosie O'Donnell would be good too. Howard said she has said she's available. He said she said she would do it.
Howard said he's not sure what the fuck is going on with Howie. Howard said he'd feel weird calling him. He said they don't really communicate that way. Howard said if he's not coming back and there's weirdness there he doesn't want to be involved. Howard said that's why he likes being part of that show. He said he likes not being involved. Robin said that everything is weird for Howard. Howard said she finally figured him out after working for him 30 years. Howard said he's surprised that she didn't realize that 25 years ago.
Howard said he'll work with anyone but it has to be someone he respects. Robin said that's very important. Robin said that's what lends credibility to America's Got Talent. Howard said Simon is the guy who started all of this shit. Robin said that Simon stuck two dummies on X-Factor. Robin said she hates sitting there watching Britney spears and Demi Lovato. Howard said they have too many judges on that show. Howard said American Idol has 3. Robin said they have four now. Howard said he's just going to show up and do his thing.
Howard played another news clip where they reported about him returning to AGT. Howard said that was from Cleveland. Howard said that guy was way into his job.
Howard said Little Mikey did a remix too. Howard played that one and it was more of a shuffle kind of thing. Howard said someone smells a hit there but it's not him. Robin said Pete is amazing. She said that his dad is talking about how smart Pete is and how he can sing and play the drums. Howard said every parent thinks they have a gold mine there. Howard said the kids aren't that bright. Howard said the kids usually grow up to be drug addicts instead.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wanted to say he hated Jon Leiberman until he heard his Embedded show. He said he loves that show. Howard said he loves working with Jon. Howard said that Jon is committed to that job and you don't have to tell him to do anything. He said he's a self starter. Robin said that Jon answers all of the questions he raises in those interviews. Howard said Jon is someone you should love and respect.
Howard said he has a guy on the phone who has been on since 6. He said he stays on until they're done with the show. Howard said he has the same question every day. Howard asked how many days in a row he's called. The guy said he's been calling since last week. Howard said this guy, Vince, stays on throughout the whole show. Howard said it must be very important. Vince said he wants to listen on hold. Howard asked if he has a job. Vince said he's looking for one now. He said he's been on and off for the last 5 years. Vince said he's been in production and manufacturing but there's nothing out there right now. Howard said he picked the wrong country for manufacturing.
Howard asked Vince what his question was. Vince said his question is for Howard's dad. He wondered if his dad has ever been propositioned by another woman. Howard asked if that's what he's been on hold with for a week. Vince said no one has asked that. Howard said he's not sure how he would know that. He said his father has never told him anything like that and he's never even asked him how he feels. Howard said he saw his dad briefly yesterday and he asked if he saw that David Letterman got ''that award'' and didn't know it was the Kennedy Center Honors. Howard said he doesn't even tell him what it is. He said he lets his dad work it out. Howard did his impression of his dad trying to figure it out.
Howard said that he eventually told his dad what it was. Howard said during his divorce his dad told him not to get a divorce but go out and sleep with someone else. Howard said his dad checks out women when they walk in the room. Howard said that's the most he's ever seen of his dad though. Robin said Ben used to drop a dollar on the floor in front of her to get her to bend over. Howard said he has to go puke right now. Howard said he knows he likes to look at women but he's never sat him down and had a real conversation with him.
Howard said that his dad loves Tarzan and he'd talk about that with him but that's about as deep as they'd get into a conversation. Howard said that his dad would walk around the house saying ''Ungawa'' after watching Tarzan. Howard said that they'd watch the Three Stooges together too. He said his dad was in a good mood watching that stuff. He said if you talked during them then you were an asshole though.
Howard said his dad never sat him down and asked how he was doing. He said he was never interested in him. Vince asked who told him about the birds and the bees. Howard said no one did. Howard said he got a D in penmanship in grammar school. Howard said that his dad wanted to talk to him about that. He said his dad told him that even a moron could get an A in penmanship. Howard said he didn't ask if he had a problem, he just yelled at him. Howard said his dad told him that was like getting a D in lunch. He said it was so unpleasant in his house. Howard said someone got a hold of his mother and told her that Ben should give him a lecture about sex. Howard said his mother just thought about how he should be of service to her.
Howard said he went into the room for this talk. He said his dad was reading the NY Times. He said his mother went into their bathroom and shut the door with it just open a crack. Howard said his dad asked if he had any questions about girls. He said his dad has this weird way of talking and it's not even an accent. Howard said he tries to correct his accent by over annunciating. Howard did his impression of him asking about this. Howard said he knew what was going on so he told his dad he didn't have any questions. He said he knew more than him and stormed out of the room.
Vince asked how awkward he was when he had sex for the first time. Howard said it was awful. Howard said back in his day they had stag films. He said that they had to get the Super 8mm projector and hook that up to watch the films. Howard said one of his friends found one of them and they checked that out. Howard said they had a broad in the film who calls over a TV repair man. She has been playing with her vagina before calling the guy. The guy comes in and she's got her legs spread while he's fixing the TV. Howard said they're all silent too because they didn't have sound on the 8mm movies.
Howard said he remembers beating off to that in the basement. He said he used to take it out and look at the individual frames to get off. Howard said in the movie this guy smacks the woman around and he ends up fucking the crap out of her. Howard said she's in a fur coat and he's in a tank top. Howard said they were both disgusting but he was so into it. He said he had that and a nudie magazine he had found on the street. He said that someone had probably beat off in the magazine already. He said he was jerking off to that and the women had a giant bush that looked like a fur coat. Howard said they were a mess. Howard said they had big sloppy titties too.
Howard said that was his jerk off material. Vince said they used to put music to the movies like silent films. Howard said he could have been a bit of a stud if he had today's porn. He said if he grew up now he could have been so good in bed. Howard said the first time he had sex he went down to the water and got nude with this girl. Howard said they were both naked and he had his big nose and hair down to his ass. Howard said he was like if Fabio got into a train accident. Howard said he had the long, flowing hair. He said it's like if Fabio had Polio.
Howard said he went down to the water and wondered what he was supposed to do with her. He said he kind of squatted and tried to get her to squat too. He said he had no idea what to do. He said he didn't know how to get his penis in there. Howard said there was no porn to study back then. Howard said he loves pornography. He said he's awkward enough and he doesn't need to be charming. Howard said the girl was disgusted with him. He said he fingered her and he was thrilled. He said they ended up fucking at his house weeks later. He said he's not sure if he even had real penetration. Howard said he didn't know what he was doing.
Howard said the first time he went down on a woman was with the next girl. Howard said he had to see her at another school. Howard said he took her pants off and she had a blonde bush. Howard said she almost looked shaved. Howard said she had great tits too. Howard said he thought he was supposed to kiss her vagina and he was looking at it and parting the hairs. Howard said he started to kiss it and he thought it was really demeaning. Howard said he was on his knees kissing her vagina and not enjoying himself. He said he mounted her and somehow got in there for a second and got out.
Vince asked Robin how good she is at oral now that she's studied film. Howard said most girls are horrible at it. He said George is probably better. Howard said if you have to watch a film to give head then there's a problem. Robin said that was someone making her insecure. She said that she figured she should take a look at porn.
Howard said there were two women in his life that really knew how to blow a guy. Howard said that they were women that Robin knew. Howard said she didn't know one of them. He said she's famous. He said she blew him and his head almost exploded. Howard said there were three actually. One of them was loose and one was an actress. Howard said one was a TV star. Howard said he walked into her room and met her in a hotel. Howard said she was dressed in the most sexy outfit he's ever seen. Howard said she had this sexy thing on that she'd wear to work. It was like a cocktail dress or something. Howard said she looked sexy as hell. Howard said he walked into the room and she was very seductive. Howard said she started the blow job while she was squeezing her own nipples. Howard said she was turning herself on and getting into a frenzy. Howard said you can imagine his delight. Howard said she started doing this technique. Howard said it was like boom, he exploded. He said that she was so into it and her mouth was wet. Howard said you can tell when someone enjoys something like that. Howard said she didn't vomit. Howard said it was amazing.
Howard said this woman did something where she left the bathroom door open and sat down to pee but it was erotic. Howard said she came back into the room and had sex and it was like wow! Howard said it was just ''Wow!'' He said they saw each other a couple of times after that but they just didn't keep going out. Howard said the chemistry was probably wrong. He said she might have scared him by being so good in bed.
George said he was thinking about Howard getting off in that story. Howard said he's such a hideous man. Howard said he saw himself on Howard TV yesterday and he didn't look good. He said he deserves to look somewhat human. George said that he's very hard on himself. Howard said that no gay man is attracted to himself. George said it's not just about looks. He said it's about his personality. Howard said that he should just say he doesn't look like George Clooney. George said he's not like Clooney but he's not a bad looking man. George said that Howard is out of character when he's so hard on himself. Howard said he thinks Steve Buscemi is better looking than him. Robin said no way.
Howard asked George if he does Botox. George said he does not. He said that's just him. He said what you see is what you get. Howard said George looks good. George said Howard does too. Howard told George he's going to call him out now and told him to blow him. Then he told him to pick up this dollar bill off the floor. Howard said he can't believe his dad did that to Robin. Robin said she was wearing a strapless gown when he did that. She didn't pick it up.
Vince asked Robin if she enjoys watching porn with a guy she's with. Robin said she's not a porn person. Howard said she watched porn to learn how to do a good blow job.
Howard asked George what the secret is to a good blow job. George said it's the getting there that's enjoyable. Howard said he enjoys sucking cock. George said it's pleasurable. Howard asked why that's pleasurable. Howard said it's dirty. George said that he makes sure it's clean. Howard asked if he did it back in the day. George said he likes the smell of the crotch. Howard tried to get him to repeat that line but George said he didn't hear it either.
George said there's a scent down there that he likes. He said it smells peachy on younger men. Howard played a song parody they put together with clips of George. Howard said Dan the Song Parody Man did that one.
Howard asked George if he ever gets upset with the smell of his own crotch. George said he doesn't smell his own. Howard said he can smell his at times. George said he doesn't have that problem. Howard said he can't believe that he smells like he does. Howard said he never used to have that.
Howard asked George if he can tell the ethnicity by the smell. George said he can. He said Nordic people have a smell that's a cleaner, more astringent kind of smell. Howard asked if he can smell a black guy and an Asian guy. George said it's a more musky kind of guy. Robin said they have to have this kind of contest. Howard said next time George is there they'll have to do this. Howard said he will get an Asian, Black and a Nordic guy and they'll have George smell them to see if he can figure it out. George said that's racist. Howard said George is the one who said he can smell the difference. Howard said he'll have to mix in a dog in there too. He said that would be a good visual.
Sal came in and asked if they could have George smell the difference between him and Richard. Howard said they're both white and it's enough of their cocks. Howard said he had to go to break. Vince asked if Howard could do him a favor and find him some parts in some shows. Howard said he's not a clearing house for finding work in TV. Howard said Eric is a different case. Howard said it's funny to see Eric show up in them because he thinks he can act. It might just be sad if Vince does it. Vince said he has done some extra work. Howard said he doesn't have any work but he'll jot down his name and see what happens. Howard put him on hold so he could listen to the show. Howard asked if he was Nordic. Vince said he used to live in Toronto. Howard said maybe they can have him come in and let George sniff him. Howard went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that you have to check out Howard TV with the Jon Leiberman Embedded special and also the Sam Chen animation that they did. He said they have ''Wanda and Obama'' that's very funny. Howard said that it's a great reenactment. Howard said they were showing it there in the studio. Fred said that's wild. Howard said that's for subscribers of Howard TV.
Howard said it's time for George to do a song for the Most Beautiful Cock contest. George sang the theme song for the contest. Howard said there isn't a dry eye in the studio.
Howard said they have 4 contestants and 5 curtains. He said he doesn't know why that is. Howard said each curtain has a slit in it and they're only going to evaluate the penis. Howard said they won't see the whole person. Howard said they will eventually get to see each person. Howard said that George asked if he could touch the penises. Howard said he's not sure about that. The guys were all saying yes when Howard asked. Howard said each man will put his penis through the curtain. George asked if they will do them all at once. Howard said he thinks they'll do one at a time.
Howard had contestant number 1 put his penis through the curtain. Howard said George has a laser pointer so he can point things out. George said the first one couldn't be the whole thing. George said he had to put his glasses on. Howard said that's all the guy has. George said he may need to get a little closer. Howard told him to go ahead. George said he's leashed in on his headset. Howard said he can change headsets. George said there is more to that penis. Howard said it's like they're doing this contest for the first time. Howard said that is the whole cock. George said there has to be more. Howard had the contestant push it through the curtain more.
Howard had number 2 poke through. George checked that one out. George asked if he could touch. The guy said he would be honored to have him touch it. Gary said when George touches he does it like a woman touching fabric in a store.
Howard had George move on to number 3. That guy stuck his cock through the curtain. Howard said that was number 3 there. George was asking to see the whole thing. Robin was laughing watching whatever he was doing. George said there are differences in all three. Howard had number 4 stick his through next. George said that this is very substantial. That guy said that isn't the first older man he's had touch his penis.
George was touching that guy's cock. George said he is judging on the size, texture and look of the penis. George said they all have different qualities.
George said number 4 is the most substantial. He said number 3 has proportion. He said it keeps wanting to jack off. He said number 2 has cleanliness of color. He said it's not very wrinkled. George said number 1 is cute. George said that the most beautiful is number 2. He was going with the look and color of the penis.
Howard had number 2 come out first. He came out and showed George what he looks like. His name is Zach. Howard said he just won $500. Howard said this is a great contest because his size was kind of small. Zach said that he's small but women love it. He said it works well for anal because he fits right in. Zach said he didn't mind being touched by George because he's George Takei. He said that he has been fondled by doctors before so why not George?
Zach pulled out his penis again and said he thinks he has a Michelangelo's David kind of vibe. Howard said he thought that he was going to go for size. George said that there are larger ones but he was going with the looks of it.
Gary asked Howard if he would show up with a penis that looks like that. Howard said no way. Howard asked how big he is erect. Zach said that he's got about 4 1/2 but the women love him. He said he can't satisfy porn stars but he can satisfy the other 95 percent of women out there. Howard said he might have a good looking cock too. He said Zach is like the Tony Robins of cock. Howard said he just won $500 from Steven Singer Jewelers.
Howard asked Robin who she would have chosen. Robin said number 4. Howard had Nick come out. Howard said he is hung. Howard asked if he's black. Nick said he's Puerto Rican. Howard said his penis is black. Nick said he's got about 9 or 9 1/2. He said that he thought he was going to win. George said he does have size and substance. George said Zach had texture and proportion to his body. Nick said that he won either way because Captain Sulu grabbed his cock. He said he is a gay man as well so he'd be willing to sleep with both George and Brad.
Howard moved on to contestant number 1 which turned out to be High Pitch Eric. Eric said he went ballistic this whole weekend. He said he prepared for this contest by shaving his chest hair. Howard said his belly is covered in pimples from shaving. Eric said he shaved his balls too. Eric said he did it just for George. Howard asked if he is grotesquely small. George said it really isn't big. Gary said Eric shaved but he has hair on one side and not the other. Howard said he has no shaft. George said that's what cost him the contest.
Howard said number 3 is Ass Napkin Ed. Howard said he's loaded out of his skull. Ed said he is not. He told Howard he's exercising. Howard said that George was touching his cock so how did he feel. Ed said he thought that was a woman. George asked why he was doing that. Ed said he just put it through that hole. Howard asked if he's been drinking this morning. Ed said he's had a little bit. Gary said he could smell him from where he was at. Ed said he agreed to the contract. Howard asked why he thinks he lost the contest. Ed said he has a big dick. Zach said he won. Ed said he has a big dick. Zach said he doesn't have a big one, that's the point.
Howard asked if anyone wanted to plug anything. Zach plugged his boss for giving him the day off. He said he didn't want to say what his job is though.
Eric said they're having a party with the Stern Facebook Superfans soon. Howard said that's some gathering. Eric said they'll have more than 100 of Howard's fans. Nick got in a plug for the Gay Geeks and said you can find them on Facebook. Howard played the beautiful Penis song again as they were wrapping up. Howard had George sing them out with the theme song again. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and took a call from a woman who said she was laughing her ass off at that contest. Howard said it was no joking matter. Howard said the contest was fair and square and George did a good job. Robin said she didn't know that there were so many things to consider in the contest. She said George takes it very seriously.
The caller kept trying to talk but George and Robin kept cutting her off. The caller said George should have picked High Pitch. George asked why that is. She didn't really have an answer.
Howard asked George if the prettiest penis is the one he would have liked to have put in his mouth. George said that the texture wasn't quite right with the bigger penis. He said that it was kind of wrinkly and not in proportion as Zach's was. Robin said they learned a lot today. George said Michelangelo's David is in right proportion. He said it's rather cold because it's in marble though. Howard said he's kind of hung like David.
George said that Howard doesn't have Zach's confidence. Howard said that's for sure. George told him to be proud and have some confidence.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the contest was very funny and it was funny that Eric was shaved. The caller asked if Brad is going to be upset with George. George said he was just doing his job.
Howard took another call from a woman who said she was just watching Fahrenheit 911 and she's shocked that more people aren't mad at Bush. She said that Howard should have been mad at him too but he was all for him. Howard said that he wasn't for Bush. He said he was for the war. Howard said he was lied to by his President so he was very upset with Bush. Howard said that Dick Cheney lied too. Howard said that many people lied. Howard said he wasn't for Bush. Howard said he voted against him twice.
Howard got annoyed with the caller. He was annoyed by her voice. She was talking about how she's shocked that more people aren't upset. Howard had to cut her off because he was yammering so much. Howard said she's a yammering wench. She wasn't really doing anything wrong but Howard was completely annoyed by her.
Howard took a call from Tommy in Malden who asked if he saw the guys from Led Zeppelin on Letterman last night. Howard said he DVR'd it but hasn't seen it yet. Tommy said those guys are looking pretty old. Howard said some of these guys don't age very well. He said Steve Perry from Aerosmith is aging well but Jimmy Page and Robert Plant aren't aging well. Howard said if they made a deal with the devil the deal must be running out. Howard said they resemble nothing of the pretty boys they were. Howard said that Jimmy used to be a rock god and Plant used to have his hair flowing but now you think you're visiting middle earth when you see them.
Howard said that all of these guys like Neil Young and Pete Townshend don't do his show. He said he goes nuts when he sees them on Letterman and Jon Stewart's show. Howard said it's a non-interview. He said he hasn't seen Letterman but he's sure there was no substance. Howard said he knows Dave just got the Kennedy Center Honors but he should get it. Howard said he actually asks questions. Howard said he is a rock DJ and he knows rock information. Howard said when he sees these guys on the other shows it's frustrating to him. Howard said if he could get a hold of Led Zeppelin he could do a great interview. Gary said they were out promoting and they tried to get them on the show. He said they tried to get Pete Townshend on the show. Howard said Pete hates him. He said that he asked about the internet and the boys and he walked out of the interview. Howard said these motherfuckers...they were his heroes.
Howard said he blames the publicists. Howard said they have 22 million listeners and they have 60-70 percent of that number listening to his channels. Howard said if you put all of the late night guys ratings together they still have more listeners there on his channels. Howard said Adrienne Curry comes on the show and she ends up the number one Google search. Gary said he gets the line ''He's not doing radio'' from the publicists. Howard said that you go where you can sell product. Howard said he goes on Letterman and he barely mentions the product he's selling. Howard said they come on this show to sell product. Gary said Kid Rock sold a lot of records after he was on Howard's show. Howard said of course he did.
Howard said Slash was on the show and they got a call from his publicist who said that they spent too much time talking about Guns N' Roses. Howard said that Slash called the show a few days later and he was sorry he said anything because he had the fans coming up to him and talking about how great the interview was. Howard said he was so glad to hear that. Howard said Billy Corgan came in and said that he was responsible for boosting the sales of his album.
Gary said the publicists are afraid of the show. He said he tried to get Mark Knopfler on the show. Howard said he's glad he didn't get him on the show. Howard said no one gives a fuck about him. Gary said Mark didn't do anything wrong in this story. It was 1987. Gary said he called the publicists and the publicist said he didn't want to do the show. Gary said he went to another show he was on and Mark said he wanted to be on the show. He said the publicist was afraid to ask Mark if he wanted to do the show. Howard said the publicists want him when they have some shitty artist that no one knows. Howard said Mark is a great guitar player. Howard told Gary to check with him before booking him. Gary said that was in 1987.
Howard said he saw a picture of the guys from Led Zeppelin on Letterman and they look like his grandparents. Howard said these late night shows are hurting. Howard was trying to explain why that is but Tommy interrupted and threw out Lloyd Braun's name. Howard said people are annoyed with him. He said he gets the email from the fans about him.
Howard said they asked in a survey which of the late night guys make them laugh and one of the answers was ''None'' and that was a tie for second place after Jay Leno.
Howard said whatever Led Zeppelin was trying to sell on Letterman won't sell. He said these guys do Letterman, the Today Show and The Daily Show and they think they'll sell. Howard said they wonder why they're not selling. He said they're lazy mother fuckers and they don't go on shows like his to sell things. Howard said that they used to work their asses off to sell but not anymore.
Howard said he was going to get to Jon Leiberman but he's gone already. Howard played a Baba Booey song parody for Gary after mentioning the Mark Knopfler thing again. Gary said Howard wanted the guy on the show. Howard said he's just teasing him.
Howard took a call from Eric the Actor and Fred started doing his impression of him immediately. Eric said he was calling to congratulate Howard on signing on with AGT but he's acting like an ass. Howard said he didn't do anything. Eric said he's letting that asshole hit his buttons. Eric told him to knock it the fuck off. Fred kept playing the eerie music and a bunch of audio drops of Eric yelling and clips of the kid from The Shining saying ''Redrum.'' Fred had clips of Eric saying a bunch of names that Howard was going to call him. Howard said he'll call him Eric the Shitty Actor then.
Howard said he hopes that Eric visits him on the set of AGT. Eric asked if they're going to shoot in San Francisco again. Howard said he really doesn't know yet. He said they haven't told him anything.
Eric asked if he watched The Voice last night. Howard said he thinks he saw most of it. Eric said they're doing auditions in 14 cities. Howard said those aren't the cities that he's going to. Those are the cities they do the talent searches at before the judges get involved. Howard said the traveling and carrying on is too much. Howard said when they do the Voice they just do it. Howard said they don't have to go around the country.
Eric said he thought Howard was going to hate the 14 cities. Howard said he really hates the travel. He said he hopes his fellow judges are good.
Eric asked if he's going to help him get on Whitney. Howard said he's been busy. Robin asked Eric if he's going to be difficult. He lost the last job they were going to give him ion Cougar Town. Howard said he knows the guy who produces the show. He said Bill Lawrence wanted to get Eric on the show. He said they were going to write a part for him. Howard told George all of this. He said he told Bill to give some ideas for parts and Eric was turning down things that they were suggesting. George said that you're acting so you should just play the part. Howard said it's just a character. Howard said Eric doesn't want any special effects or his head exploding or anything.
Howard told George some of the things that Eric turned down like playing a gay man. Howard said he has a role in a movie for George. Howard said the character would be a pedophile that poisons a nun. Howard asked George if he would take that. George said he would. Howard asked Eric if he would take that part on Cougar Town. Eric said no. He said he doesn't feel like playing that character. George said Eric doesn't want to act a character, he just wants to play himself. Eric said he has a role lined up on an FX sitcom that Johnny helped him get.
Robin asked why Eric is calling them for a show if he has one lined up. Robin said he just wants to do what he wants to do. George said he doesn't want to act then. Howard asked Eric if he would play a guy who has Ehlers-Danlos and turns down parts. Eric said he would play that.
Gary said that Medicated Pete is taking jobs thanks to Johnny Fratto. Eric said he had no idea that was going on. Howard said maybe Johnny is going to give Pete the roles that come in for Eric. George said it seems that Eric doesn't want to work. He said it sounds like he wants to hang out. Eric said he wants as many parts as he can get. Howard said he's lost a part to Ronnie and now one to Pete.
George asked Eric if he would play a gay guy. Eric said he didn't want to insult George but no. Howard said this is the attitude. George said Eric is not an actor. Howard said he didn't call him an actor in the past because he didn't feel he was an actor.
Eric said that Eddie Murphy turned down Ghostbusters. Howard said Eddie had 5 other movies going on at the time. Howard said he was too busy to do Ghostbusters. Howard said that part in the movie was very small anyway. Howard said that's not Eric.
George said it seems like Eric doesn't want to act. Howard said he just wants to be Eric who hangs out on the set.
Eric asked George if anyone has told him when the Halloween episode of The New Normal is supposed to air. George said that it was preempted by Hurricane Sandy so they'll show it next year. Howard said he's going to kill himself with this conversation.
Howard said that he was watching The Walking Dead and he saw that they got 10.5 million viewers. He said that's incredible to get those kind of numbers on cable. Howard said he loves the show and it's brilliant. Howard said he's not even interested in zombies but the show is done so well. Howard said he loves it.
Howard asked Eric if he would play a zombie. Eric said no. Howard said that's incredible. Howard said that not that many people are looking for him to act and he's turning down anything he's offered. Howard said he really has to go. Howard said he appreciates the call congratulating him on the AGT thing. Howard played Eric out with a song they did with a bunch of clips of Eric making various noises.
Howard said that he can't give a crap about Kate Middleton having a baby. Howard said that if you want to pay attention to someone who is having babies they should be paying attention to Octomom. Howard said she's blowing out 8 at a time.
Howard said Brad Pitt's new movie isn't doing well at the box office. Robin said it shouldn't. She said it's called ''Killing Me Softly'' and it's one of those movies where nothing happens. She said there's a lot of talking. Howard said there are no vampires or anything in the movie so it's doomed.
Howard said Hugh Hefner is marrying this woman Crystal who was on the show. Howard said she was miserable with him but now they've gotten together again. Howard said Hef has cum stains on his sheets older than her and no one seems to care about that.
Howard said the Pope is tweeting now. Howard said he has less followers than Kathy Griffin. Howard said the guy spent all yesterday trying to figure out how to tweet and retweet. Howard said that's comforting, isn't it.
Howard said Jude Law is saying that he's ugly enough to be taken seriously now. Howard said if being ugly in Hollywood is the key then Howard Stern is worth billions. Howard did his Nosferatu impression for a few seconds. George said he'd be great in that part. Howard said that two hours ago George was telling him he wasn't ugly and now he's saying that he'd be great as Nosferatu. George said that he's acting.
Howard said the end of the world is coming according to some. Howard said that Bobo is one of those people who believes something is going to happen. Howard said he might dress up like a ghost and wait outside his house to make him think he went to heaven.
Howard said that they're having a Christmas party soon and it's great because you see Sal's wife in the corner blinking ''Help'' in Morse code.
Howard read about a woman who found a nose ring in her daughter's McDonald's food. Howard said anyone who takes their kid to McDonald's more than once a month is nuts.
Howard read that Mike Tyson almost got hearts tattooed on his face instead of that tribal tattoo. Howard said that would have been great.
Howard said that Octomom has been nominated for a bunch of porn awards. Howard said she got nominated in four categories. Howard said he had them written down but he can't find the notes.
Howard said they had that penis contest earlier and the should have named it ''I get to look at a bunch of cocks without Brad getting mad at me'' instead.
Howard said that a child was bitten by a dolphin at Sea World. Howard said the good thing is that the dolphin was radioactive and the child will turn into a super hero. Howard said nothing good ever happens when you get bitten by a dolphin.
Gary said that the categories Octomom was nominated for included things like Best Celebrity Sex Tape, Best solo Release and Best Marketing.
Howard said there's a company selling bacon scented shaving cream. Howard said that's for guys who want to smell like they went down on Wendy the Retard or something. Howard asked who wears something like that.
Howard said a college football guy is going to jail for putting his balls on passed out fan. Robin said that's what should happen to people who pass out. Howard said the guy is going to jail for that.
Howard said that Michael Jackson's album ''Thriller'' turned 30. Howard said most of the children he allegedly molested turned 30 too. Robin said they're trying to cleanse his history by saying he was a man who never wanted to grow up.
Howard said that Staples is going to have a 3D printing press available. Howard said he's not even sure what that is. He said it's going to be 5 minutes before someone brings in a picture of his penis. Gary said he saw one of these things at CES. He said you draw this thing in 3D and the printer builds it in plastic. He said if you do it right you can do a picture of your head and build a bust of your head. Howard said you know a guy is going to do one of his cock. Gary said that's what drives all of this shit. It's porn.
Howard said the Obamas decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. Howard said Sal said that they must have done one for each state. Howard said he told Sal that he's thinking too much.
Howard read more about Hugh Hefner and how hot the girl is. Howard said that people say there is no love there but who cares? Howard said if you do the guy math and his real wife should be 50 but this chick is 20 something. Howard said that's his thing though.
Howard said Chris Brown is still in the news. Howard said they say Chris is still learning to love. Howard said that's good. Robin said there are some things she just refuses to talk about.
Howard said he's made his decision to return to AGT. He said that he no longer has to dread that. He said now he just has to dread actually doing the show. Howard said that kid he made cry was 5 when he made him cry last time. Now he's 6 so he should be able to come back and take it. Robin said it wasn't just one kid he made cry. Gary said there was one girl who was 16 that he made cry and she said she would do anything. Gary said Sharon told her ''Don't say that!'' Howard said he made the dogs cry too. He said they didn't show that.
Robin said they had that one girl with the animal print pants and she had some wacky act and she cried too. Howard asked why he's doing this again. Howard said he didn't remember making that many people cry. Howard said they hire him to judge and when he gives his opinion these people cry.
Howard said that they have a $5,000 Extreme Super Fan contest coming up soon. Howard said you can find out more at SiriusXM.com/Howard. He went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that Trent Reznor was great. He said he's doing movie soundtracks now. Howard said everyone is scrambling these days. Howard said he should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Howard said he's been around a long time. Howard said he is awesome. He said this song is insane. Howard said Trent looks like a regular shlub these days instead of the rock star he was.
Robin said she saw the picture of him in the Post today. Howard said he looks hideous. Robin said he looks fine. Howard said he was telling them on AGT that they should get a hot guy on there. Robin said he's the hot guy. Howard said women want to see the hot guy, not him.
Howard said he can't turn this song off. He said it's no Gangnam Style though. He said that song is still hanging around in the top 5. He played some of that song and the rest of the top 5. Fred threw in some George Takei audio clips over the songs as Howard played them. They played George saying Tsunami, Guacamole and Aqua. Howard asked for ''Almonds'' but they didn't have that one. Fred had another one of George saying ''In my ass'' that they played over Rihanna's ''Diamonds'' when she'd sing ''Shine bright like a diamond'' Fred would add ''In my ass.''
Howard played a clip of Bobo leaving a message saying that he wants to unload some of his stuff and sell his house before the world ends. Robin asked if he's serious. Howard said if the world is ending then who is going to need a house.
Howard got Bobo on the line and asked why he's selling his house. Bobo said he doesn't want to live near the water after all of the devastation that hit there. Howard said he doesn't want to live anywhere near Bobo. Bobo said he doesn't want to live near any water. Robin told him to move to the desert then. Howard let Bobo go and then had George do a quick announce. George did one about Robin talking about John Wayne not being an actor and how he was a big money maker. George said he's afraid to find out what she thinks he is.
Robin asked Howard if he knows the names Masters and Johnson. Howard said he did and he explained who they were. Robin said their son is out of jail and he will have a record for public lewdness. He was found masturbating in Central Park in front of a couple of kayakers. George asked where you can kayak in Central Park. Howard asked where in Central Park he can masturbate in front of those kayakers. Robin said this guy actually has a couple of arrests for the same thing. Robin said it may have been near the Rambles in Central Park. Howard said that George has been to the rambles in Central Park to pick guys up. George said Howard really remembers everything. Howard asked if it was scary doing that. George told Howard how some of the guys would have their penis hanging out like the guys there today. Howard asked if he ever recognized the guys in the woods. George said he did. He said that he doesn't talk about that though. He said they would recognize him too. George told Howard that you end up hating yourself for doing it.
Howard said he had Robert Plant on the phone to talk about his Letterman appearance last night. He picked up and it was Sour Shoes singing a Led Zeppelin song for them. Howard said he loves that song. He asked what the name of it is. Sour Shoes said it was ''Ten Years Gone.'' Howard asked what album that was on. Sour said it was Physical Graffiti. Howard wanted to hear the real song but Fred was having trouble finding it. He eventually did and played the real one for Howard. Sour Shoes played along but he was off by a few seconds. Howard hung up on Sour and let the song play. He was asking questions about the Letterman appearance but JD hadn't gotten that far into the clip to know all of the answers.
Howard said he had two guys in the studio watching them. Howard said that they won one of those charity auctions. One of the guys said he didn't even know what charity it was. Howard said this was for Dan Heisman's charity thing. He said that's the last one he's going to do. Howard said he's not going to do anymore. The guys were from Short Hills, New Jersey. One of the guys said that they met in the Rambles. Howard said he needs a bro like these guys. Howard said he needs a local guy. Howard said Ralph is kind of like that but he started acting weird.
One of the guys said that he works on video games. He said he has an office in Russia. He said he worked on Halo last year. Howard spent a minute talking to them about the video game thing. They were also talking about Howard's parents after one of the guys said that he works at a nursing home. Howard was wondering what that would cost him to put his parents in there. They spent a couple of minutes on that too.
Howard asked the video game guy what they did with Halo. He said they were hired by Microsoft to do Halo Anniversary. He said they did that last year. Howard asked if he's a millionaire. The guy was dancing around the question so Howard asked him to just answer. The guy said he is. Howard thanked them for that and told them to sit back and enjoy the show. He did a live commercial and then went to a break after that.
After the break, around 9:55am, Howard had Robin get back to her news. Robin wasn't there so Fred played her theme music and a toilet flushing sound. Howard gave George some plugs for his upcoming comic book signing and his e-book (''Oh Myyy! (There Goes The Internet)'') that's coming out soon.
Robin got back and read a story about an FBI agent who was caught trying to pick up kids. Howard said he has respect for FBI people but the terrorists are brilliant on that show Homeland. Howard said they're able to steal the Vice President's heart thing and all of that. Robin said those are TV terrorists, not the real thing. Robin read more about this FBI guy and how he got caught. She said he's 28 and he sent child porn over the internet and the guy he sent it to was a Washington DC detective. Howard said you'd think he'd be able to cover that up somehow. Howard said he doesn't get the trading of porn. He said he just watches porn and puts it away. Robin said that she's noticed that there are some people like Jeff the vomit guy who like to try and find others like him. Howard said he likes babysitter porn but it's adults pretending to be babysitters and he's not looking to trade with others.
Robin read about a little girl in Michigan who was attacked by a raccoon. Robin said that she was an infant. The raccoon ate her face. Howard said he's amazed that didn't happen to him. He said maybe it did because he saw himself on that news report about him coming back to AGT. Robin said this girl is 10 years old now. Howard said women can overlook stuff like that but guys cant. Howard said that poor kid. He said some wildlife is awful. Howard said he just heard that the raccoon was a pet. Howard said making a raccoon a pet is insane. Robin said that is not a wise idea.
Robin read a story about a guy who was pushed onto the tracks of a subway. Robin said the guy died when he was hit by the subway. Robin said that the guy was trying to keep another man from bothering people and he was pushed onto the tracks. Howard said he never gets involved. He said he used to take the subway years ago and he never got involved. Howard said a photographer got pictures of the subway just before it hit the guy but he was trying to warn the subway driver about the guy on the tracks. Howard said JD had audio of a crazy lady yelling on the subway this morning. Howard said you have to pretend that nothing is happening. He played the clip and this woman was just yelling about some crazy stuff. Howard said you have to avoid talking to people like that.
Howard said when the woman would quiet down people would sit near her. Then she'd get worked up again and start yelling. Howard said that JD sits near the conductor thinking that he'd help out if something happened. Meanwhile the guy isn't going to do anything if something goes down. Howard and Robin used to see the Guardian Angels on the subway and they were very thankful that they were there.
George said he used to walk through Central Park at night and he would rehears his lines out loud to keep people away from him. He said he would recite Shakespeare in an angry voice. He demonstrated it to Howard. Robin said she would stay away from him. Howard said that was creepy and it makes him want to blow him in the Rambles. Howard went into another live commercial after that.
Robin read about Kate Middleton being pregnant and how the child will be born under the gender neutral rule which means it doesn't matter if the child is a boy or a girl. That child will be next in line to be king or queen.
Robin read about how the government is going to eventually be able to get anything you write or say to use against you in court. Howard said he never sends anything sensitive over a text.
Robin read about conversion therapy and how they're trying to put an end to that. George said a friend of his introduced the bill that Robin is talking about. Howard said that most of the guys who do that are gay themselves. He said they do some wacky stuff to convert these guys to being straight.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he didn't like what the guy who did the Halo thing was saying about working in Russia. Howard asked why they don't use U.S. engineers. The guy said that most games are made globally and he has a partner who is from Russia. He said it's not just about being cheaper. He said they have the talent over there and they sell games all over the world. He said it's a global economy. The caller said that 50 percent of the sales are in the United States. The caller said it's a shame that they have to do things like that. He said he does admire the guy for saying it though.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that they have to get George Takei in there every day. He said he loves when he's on the show. Howard said George is great and he loves having him there. Howard said he's got a very busy career and he can't be there all the time. Howard said people still pay him for his autograph at those stupid Star Trek conventions. Howard said if he was there every day they could have a big cock contest every day. Howard replayed his cock contest song. He asked George if he could hear the music. George said he could have done better. He said he was actually rehearing the song and they didn't let him do it again.
Robin got back to her news and had some audio of a guy talking about school and how they would like to extend the school year and the time they spend teaching. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about how Iran claims that they caught a U.S. drone but the Navy is saying that is not true. Robin said Iran might be just trying to get attention.
Robin read about the White House talking about the fiscal cliff and how the two sides are just rejecting each other's budgets. Robin said they don't even look at the plans and try to come to an agreement. Robin said they have to read these things and try to figure it out. Howard said that if Bill Hader is listening he could have this 24/7. Howard said more American's should listen to Robin. Robin said she may have to leave the show and go to Washington.
Robin had some audio of President Obama talking about what's going on in Syria and how we're going to be backing them.
Robin read about Rob Kardashian and how he has a girlfriend who is an actress and pop star named Rita Ora. Robin had some audio of one of her songs. Howard said he hates that song and wants to throw up. Robin said that Rob is breaking up with her. He claims that she cheated on him with more than 20 other guys.
Robin said Cher has a new album coming out. Howard said he thinks that she'd be interesting on America's Got Talent with him and Oprah. Howard said maybe Oprah and Bill Clinton. Robin had some audio of Cher's new song. Howard said Ronnie is a big Cher fan. Howard wrapped up and ended the show around 10:25am.
After the break, around 10:35am, Jon came back and brought up George judging the penis contest today. Gary said he had a look of disappointment that there wasn't a fifth contestant. Jon said he was a great judge and he wondered if Scott DePace struggles with this kind of thing. Scott said that the actual gayness thing is weird but when Sal and Richard do it then it's funny. Scott said he didn't have time to be grossed out today because they were so busy with the segment.
Jon asked Scott if he was offended. Scott said he's not the only one who feels this way. Gary said this is about seeing how George reacts to the whole thing. Scott said that they do it to gross people out. Gary said that he didn't know what the order was behind the curtain. Then he saw the little button of a dick through the hole so he tried to help and put his hands on the side of the curtain and he ran into belly.
Jon asked how George's judging was. Gary said he takes it very seriously. He said he was there to do a job and they thought he would go for the biggest one. Gary said that he felt them and looked closely to pick the right one.
Jon asked Scott the Engineer what went on with the microphone at the beginning of the contest. Scott said he wasn't listening. He didn't hear what happened. Gary said the headphones were low because that's what Howard wanted.
Jon asked Scott what he thought about the look on George's face. Scott said he looked like he was in rapture. Scott said he can't see the enjoyment in that. Gary said it humors him. He said he likes to hear how he lives. He said he gets more weirded out when he sees Richard and Sal doing stuff.
DePace asked Gary what he would do if someone tricked him into watching gay porn. Gary said he finds this stuff interesting. DePace said he was talking about blow jobs and stuff. He said that's just too much. Gary said there's something about George that it amuses him. He said he's so innocent and nice. DePace said he doesn't want to hear stories about him blowing guys.
DePace said that he did find it funny when George was saying that he can tell the ethnicity based on penis smell. He said that's very racist. Gary said he doesn't think it's racist. Gary said that King of All Blacks said he could identify people by their garbage and he was right.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's not sure why Ralph wasn't in to judge that. He said it was the most disturbing thing for the listener. He said that it was funny though. The caller said Ralph is a fucking asshole. He said he was one of the 5 people calling in on GEEKTIME and Ralph hung up on him when he brought up Back Office Radio. Gary said maybe he hung up on him because he was doing GEEKTIME and not Back Office Radio.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that he has to agree with DePace. He said that they're making everyone look like they're assholes for not liking the gay stuff. He said that Howard isn't gay because Howard thinks it's a disgusting act. Gary asked if having sex with a woman is disgusting. The caller said that it's not because it's natural. He said he doesn't like the lesbian thing either. Gary asked if he would watch a lesbian video. The guy said he would watch that over a gay video.
Jon asked Scott the Engineer about the times he had orgies and if he ever had a guy come on to him. Scott said he never did. He said that he has been part of two guys with one girl but he didn't do anything with the guy. Scott said that he doesn't remember the positioning or the layout of the room. Scott said there was a lot of fogginess in the room. Jon asked what the other girl was doing during all of that. Scott said he's being honest when he says he doesn't have the full recollection of what was going on. Gary said they should hypnotize him. Jon said he doesn't believe he doesn't remember. Scott said he just woke up to it. He said he was wasted so he got into it. Ronnie asked what year that was. Scott said it was in the 70s.
Ronnie said he doesn't go for two guys and a girl. He said two girls and a guy is fine. Jon asked how long that kind of stuff went on with him. Scott said that those days went on for a year or two. Gary asked if he had a group of friends that were into that. Scott said that there were a few friends. He said that they would hang out and get stoned and it just happened. He said it was weird but he enjoyed it. Scott said it was an experience they had and they had a good time doing it. He said it didn't happen more than three times.
Ronnie asked if the other guy would sit there jerking off while he watched. Scott didn't say. Jon said he has to take a break before getting to more of this.
Ronnie said he knew a guy who went out and they ended up in a hotel. He said they were running back and forth banging the chicks in different hotel rooms. He said they were never in the same room together though.
Jon asked DePace why he's offended. Scott said he's not offended. He said he just doesn't want to do that. Ronnie said that he was creeped out by George today. He said he was there touching those cocks and shaking their hands. He said he didn't have any gloves on or anything. He said he was massaging their cocks. Gary said he would grab it and pull it hard to see how far it would extend. He said it was funny.
Jon said George hasn't forgotten Jason Ellis at all. Gary said he may have to give Jason to George as a birthday gift. He said it's very funny.
Jon asked Gary about getting yelled at about Mark Knopfler. Gary said that was all bullshit. He said that they wanted to have him on the show because they were big with Dire Straights back then.
Jon asked Gary about trying to get some of these bands like Led Zeppelin and Neil Young on the show. Gary said he has tried to do that in the past with other bands and he just can't get them on. Gary said that Jimmy Page is a nice guy and he's talked to him. He said Robert Plant isn't so nice. They had to end the show a short time later. They were done at 11:00am.
Howard started the show talking to George Takei who was sitting in all week. He gave him an Oh My'' and that led to George saying that his E-book ''Oh Myyy! (There Goes The Internet)'' is out now. Howard said that he thought he wrote a book a few years ago. George said he wrote one many years ago but this is new. He said this is about his rise in social media. Howard asked George to keep his answers short because he has a very long winded answer. Howard said he saw him in some interview where he explains it but it goes on too long.
Howard asked George to name one wild and crazy thing that's happened to him on the internet. George said he patterned it after Howard. Howard said he knows that but he wants one wild and crazy thing. George said he went from zero to 3.1 million people. George said that's the power of the internet. Robin asked what was so crazy about it. George said he was able to get the word out about his play Allegiance and they broke records at the theater.
Howard said he's happy about that. George said that Howard is the one who made that ''Oh My'' his signature. Howard said he saw him on Attack of the Show and that's where he was going on and on with that answer.
Howard said Robin's microphone quality is off today. Robin said she could hear it at the top. Howard asked engineering if they could fix that.
Howard heard that George had lunch with Donald Trump yesterday. Howard asked why he wants to convince him about gay marriage being good. George said it starts with one person and Trump has a large following. He said he thinks he's coming around. He said Trump told him he went to a gay wedding and he thought it was beautiful. Howard asked what he was saying. George said he was telling Donald that it will be good for business. George said that Donald said that he knows all of that. Howard asked if he really is changing his mind. George said he told him that he wants to do it on his time and he's evolving over time. Howard asked why he didn't ask why he's against it. George said he did and Donald said that he doesn't have a good reason.
Howard asked George how much longer he's going to take on this. George said it did come with the president and he's hoping that Trump comes around too. He said marriage equality is coming.
Howard asked George if Trump was saying that he's for gay marriage with a wink. George said that's what it seemed like. George said he's hopeful that he'll change soon. Howard asked why he didn't call him out on that since he could change now. George said he has no idea what he's waiting for. He said he's not going to push him on it though.
Robin asked why he came out against it to begin with. George said he thinks he was torn about running for President and he chose to go in that direction.
Howard asked what's going on with Robin's microphone. Gary came in and said that the engineering guys don't know. He said they could take her off the air for a minute and try doing the ISDN thing on a different line. Howard said he would like them to do that. Howard asked Robin if she minds that. Robin said she doesn't at all. Howard had them do that.
Howard picked up on Eric and he said that he's calling bullshit on this. He said Johnny never approached him on this role. Johnny said that he did ask him if he would play a killer and he said he couldn't do it. He said Eric thinks that people don't think he can shoot so he won't play that part. Johnny said that no one knows that he can't shoot a gun. They pretend in a movie.
Eric said that he has to disagree with George saying that he's not a real actor. Howard said he really isn't an actor. He said he has to play different parts and not just himself. George said that he has to play other parts. Eric said he has his name in credits and he has his name on DVD cases. He said he is a fucking actor. Howard said he gets him his roles and they're tailor made for him. Eric said he has been acting on this show for 10 damn years. He said this is not his real personality you dumb asses. Howard asked what the real Eric is. Eric said he's a nice, easy to get along with person. Howard told him to prove it and do that. Howard said he gets letters from the real Eric and he sounds demented.
Johnny said that Pete didn't call him a mother fucker one time during the whole ordeal. He said Eric got a role on a show called ''Legit'' that's going to be on FX. He said that came through the Stern Show. Robin said Eric didn't tell them that.
Howard asked why Eric turned down this role. Eric said he didn't hear about the role until now. Howard asked Eric if he would have taken that role. Eric said yes. Fred played the ''Bullshit'' clip from Ed Wood. Howard said he can't go over this again.
Johnny said that Medicated Pete is going to be the next Norman Fell. He said he did really well with the movie. Johnny said he's gotten Eric other things lately too.
Howard asked Eric if he's upset about Pete and Johnny's relationship. Eric said he is. He said that Johnny is the one who is supposed to stop the bullshit on the internet where people are abusing him. Robin said Johnny can't control Twitter. Howard asked how Johnny could protect him. Eric said he has to be a P.R. person and dispute what people are saying. Howard said he gets terrible comments on Twitter but his agent doesn't go on Twitter and defend him.
Johnny said that Eric got a great sponsorship deal with a company. Howard said he heard about that. Howard cut him off and thanked them for the call. Howard said he hopes their relationship continues. Johnny and Eric were still talking so Howard just cut them off and hung up on them. Eric was trying to get in a plug for the sponsorship deal he has. Howard said he's had enough of that.
George said that's a real actor there. Howard said he's just trying to play with his doll. Howard said he's having a lot of fun with it. Howard said it seems like George wants to argue with the doll. George said he does.
Howard said he has a lot of email. He was going to get to that but he has to talk about the show Homeland. Howard said the show is good but it's gotten really ridiculous. Howard said if you don't want any spoilers then you have to tune away. Howard said he can't stand the daughter on the show. Howard said the kid is always screaming about her daddy causing problems. Howard said the guy was captured in Iraq. Howard said she should be glad she wasn't thrown in jail for killing a woman. Howard said he thought this week's episode was over the top. He said this guy got into the Vice President's office and ended up turning off his pacemaker. Howard said that's just crazy stuff. Howard said the terrorist in the show shaves off his beard and no one recognizes him. He said it's ridiculous. He said it was crazy over the top this week. Robin said if it was reality then neither one of those people would be working for the CIA. Howard said this week was just too much for him.
Howard read some email. He had some about George and Jason Ellis. Someone said that they should have Jason Ellis in whenever George is in. Howard said that some people were writing in about Robin's little white lies and how she bashes George any chance she gets. Howard asked if she did that. Robin said she did not.
Howard read some email about the other shows on the channels and how much people like them. Howard said that someone suggested that they take the Wrap Up Show longer. Howard said he has told them to go longer if they want to.
Howard read some email about how fat some of the staff has gotten. He said that this guy suggested he give them gym memberships. Howard said he's going to give them a Christmas party instead.
Howard read an email about a guy's father-in-law who used to hate Howard Stern but he was won over when he saw him on America's Got Talent.
In another email a guy wrote about how great George Takei is and how good he was in the movie ''Green Berets'' with John Wayne.
Howard said there is a lot of feedback about Medicated Pete and Jon Leiberman. Howard said this guy likes Jon Leiberman and they're doing another Embedded show with Jeff the Drunk. Howard said that should be good. Robin said she heard it was even more crazy than the Medicated Pete show.
Howard picked up on Jeff the Drunk and asked what they learn in the show. Jeff said they will learn a lot. He said they will learn about how he jerks off in a phone booth at the bar. Howard asked why he would do that. Jeff said he doesn't know. Howard said that's vile. Robin asked when he did that. Jeff said he did it a long time ago when he was drunk. He said it just happened. Howard said ''way to score.'' Howard said that's the most anti-social thing he could do. Howard asked if people went in there after he dropped his load there. Jeff said no. George said he wants to learn where that bar is so he can avoid it.
Howard said there were some people who liked hearing the story about George going to the Rambles to pick up men. Howard said he always thought it was the Brambles but it's the Rambles. Howard said they have a song that Sal and Richard wrote about it. They called it the Brambles though. Howard played the song. George laughed even though they got the name wrong.
Howard said it was a musical day around there. Howard played a song that they had Ronnie sing for Christmas. Ronnie was singing ''Stop the Clock'' to the tune of ''Jingle Bell Rock.'' Howard said that's some personality he has. Robin said she's never heard them capture his personality so well before.
Howard said he sends Ronnie and email every Sunday to give him his schedule. Howard said Ronnie wrote him back ''Got it duuuude.'' Howard said he can't stop being Ronnie for 5 minutes. Robin asked if he's trying to be someone other than the real Ronnie. Howard said there is no acting going on there.
Howard said in the news he saw that George W. Bush was talking about how we need immigration reform. Howard said he's sick of this guy and he'd like to see him deported. Howard said he thinks that Bush did some real damage to this country.
Howard said he's fascinated by Anne Hathaway. He said that she cut her hair really short. Howard said she's very sexual to him. He said he'd bet that she's not that way to every guy. Howard said she looked hot in Glamour magazine. Howard said he has the feeling she's crazy though. Robin said she is an actress so that's possible. Howard said Anne says she stresses out about her weight according to the article in Glamour. Howard said that Jon Hein, Jason and Tim have no worries about their weight. Howard said he told Jon he has to get his weight thing under control and Jon just says he can't. Howard said you'd think he'd be the one out of all of them to be able to do it.
Howard read about the king of Thailand turning 84 today. Howard said what you do is blow out the candles and wish to god that you get out of Thailand. Howard said he must pray to be a cab driver in America.
Howard read about Kate Middleton's morning sickness in the paper. He said he doesn't care about that. Howard said he has morning sickness because he can't stand getting up in the morning.
Howard said he watched the Rolling Stones special and they had some pretty crazy stuff. He said back in the day they had fans who would jump on stage and rip and pull at them. Howard said they were saying that the fans wanted to be part of them and they would rip at them. Howard said the girls would scream so loud and the women would lose control and wet themselves. Howard said things are different now and rock stars don't have that cool factor anymore. Howard said he can't even explain it. Robin said those people were the voice of a generation and it's not like that anymore.
Howard said that Bob Lefsetz was saying that the real rock stars of our day are things like the iPhone and iPad. He said we don't have real rock stars anymore.
Howard said he has some more Howard Stern musical clips to play. He said that Broadway had its best year ever in 2012. He said they made over a billion dollars.
Howard said that Quentin Tarantino is into feet so George had better keep his shoes on. Howard said he has to ask Quentin about that today. Howard asked George what's wrong with his feet. George didn't know what it was called. He said he will keep his feet closeted though. Howard said George told him that it was because of too tight sneakers that caused the foot problem. Howard said that's not what did it. George said that his right foot did it first and then his left foot did it. He said it started with a horrific cramp. He said he had to go to the emergency room for that.
Howard said George had his nice penis contest yesterday and he grabbed more cock than he gets all year from Brad. Howard said he bets that George's dad dreamed of the day when his son would be set free from the Japanese American Internment camps so he could go out and touch as many cocks as he wanted.
Howard said he loves that Princess Kate gets all of this sympathy for spending the day in the hospital but he has to suffer though High Pitch Eric's pimpled belly and he gets none at all.
Howard said the tolls in New York City are going up. He said it's $13 to get across the GWB now. Robin said it might be $13.50. She said they're going up again soon too. Robin said that they're doing it over a several month period of time.
Howard said hookers used to hang out by the tunnels but now the commuters are hanging out down there giving blow jobs to pay the tolls.
Howard said he read a headline about how men are attracted to women who look like them. Howard said that would mean he'd be attracted to women who look like the Wicked Witch of the West. Howard said h doesn't like this study. He said Beth looks nothing like him and Gary's wife doesn't look like Gary. Howard said Sal's wife doesn't look like Sal. Howard said if this study was true then Gary's wife would look like the chimp that ripped the face of that woman. Robin said she'd look more like Secretariat. Howard said that's brutal. Robin said someone passed her the note and told her to read it.
Howard read about how lipstick can contain lead. He said that can lower your IQ if you use it. Howard said Wendy the Retard must use a lot of lipstick.
Howard read a headline that said a woman is planning on marrying a cardboard cut out of Robert Pattinson. Howard said the cardboard may have more of a personality than the real guy. Howard said he has seen him interviewed and it's not pleasant. Howard said they're either very full of themselves or they have no personality.
Howard said that Forbes magazine says that Eddie Murphy is the most over paid performer. Howard said he doesn't know where they get that from. Robin said they base it on how much they get paid compared to what the movies make. Howard asked if Eric the Actor is number 2 on that list.
Howard said he was reading that a lot of people tweet from the bathroom. Howard asked if they should call it Shitter then. Howard said that's disgusting. Howard said he doesn't bring anything into the bathroom with him. He said he just wants to get in and out. Howard said he doesn't tweet when he shits.
Howard said shitting can almost be orgasmic. George said he just gets it done. He said he has one of those Japanese toilets that shoots water in your ass. Howard said he got rashed up from that water. Howard said you have to cry your ass forever. George said he doesn't do that part. He said he wipes. Howard said he uses baby wipes. Howard said he let the toilet shoot water up his ass and it shoots out some chunks but he still has to wipe. He said he has to stick a finger up there to get it all out. Robin said he needs a power washer or a fire hose.
Howard said during the penis contest he's never seen anyone get excited about High Pitch Eric's penis. George said he couldn't believe it could be that small. He said it was like a button there. Howard said he didn't even wash his hands after he touched them. He said he had to shower George with Purell 2 hours later. Howard said that's why he hates shaking people's hands.
Howard said he read that some prison guards in North Carolina were making their prisoners rub hot sauce on their penises. He said what pisses him off is that they're coming up with better bits than his staff.
Howard said he loved the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead. He said he saw Ronnie walking up this morning on his monitor and he thought he was watching The Walking Dead. Howard said he had to take a break so he can get Quentin Tarantino in there.
Howard came back and said that Quentin Tarantino has a new movie out called Django Unchained. Howard said he looks tan too. Howard asked if he's a fan of George Takei. Quentin said he is. He mentioned a movie he was in many years ago.
Howard asked Quentin about working in a video store and if that was like film school for him. Quentin said it was. Quentin said that he quit school as a kid because he hated it. He said he started skipping school and he would stay out of school for 4-6 days and when he went back he knew he'd be in trouble. Quentin said he would stay out for 2 weeks and he knew he'd be in really big trouble. Howard asked if he was afraid that his parents would get angry. Quentin said he eventually went back to school and he got in trouble. He said his mom yelled at him about it.
Howard asked where his dad was. Quentin said he left. He was gone. Howard asked if he has ever seen him. Quentin said he actually approached him at a coffee shop once. He said it was in Santa Monica and he must have heard he hung out there. Quentin said one day he was eating breakfast and there he was standing there. Howard asked why he was interested in him now that he's a director. Quentin said that he had 30 years to get in touch with him. He said if it was really bothering him he had those 30 years to reach out to touch him.
Howard asked how his dad talked to him. Quentin said he could sense who it was by the way he was looking at him. Howard asked if he looks like his dad. Quentin said that he looks more like his mom. Quentin said he expected that day to come some day. Quentin said he was making overtures to try and get in touch with him. He said he asked to sit down with him and he just said no. He said he waved him away and looked back at his plate. He said he had nothing to say to the guy. He said the only thing he could have said was ''thanks for the sperm.''
Quentin said he didn't even know that his dad was alive for 30 years. He said his dad was an actor when he was younger but he didn't do it for real. He said what happened is his dad and Al Pacino's dad, Sal, teamed up and they do movies. He said they call themselves the Silver Foxes and their movies go straight to video. Howard said he may have had his dad on the show. Howard said he had the Silver Foxes on the show once. Howard said he may not have known that he was estranged from his dad. Howard asked Gary if he knows if he was in there. Howard asked if he ever watched those movies. Quentin said he never did. Gary said Tony Tarantino was in fact on the show. Howard said he knew it. Robin said they spent more time with him than Quentin did. Howard said he has to go back and listen to that interview. He wondered if he was acting like Quentin's pal.
Quentin said that a magazine got in touch with his dad and interviewed him at the height of his fame. He said he hasn't spoken to that magazine, Premiere, since then. Howard said he must have asked his dad if he was close to his son. Quentin said in the article in Premiere they had his dad dressed like a Reservoir Dog.
Gary said that Howard cracked a joke to Tony about being closer to Quentin than he is. Gary said Howard also said he was going to try and get a reconciliation going. Quentin thanked him for that. Howard said he wonders if he has any half siblings or anything.
Quentin said that Harvey Keitel once told him it was better that his dad left than stick around and hate being there. Howard said that could have been doing him a favor.
Howard asked if he has regrets for not going to school. Howard said he has huge gaps in his education and he wonders how Quentin could have done if he stayed in school. Quentin said that he keeps up on things that he's interested in. He said he quit middle school and he has bragging rights now but that doesn't happen for everyone. Robin said kids do point out the drop outs that have become famous.
Quentin said that he thought in the 9th grade that school would be like that forever. He said he didn't understand what college would have been like. He said he thinks that it would have been great to go to college and learn.
Howard asked what Quentin did to make money. Quentin said when he was 16 he got a job at a porno movie theater. He said he lied and said he was 18 to get that job. Howard said back then there wasn't a lot of porn around. Howard said he's younger than he is so maybe there was more. Quentin said he's 49. Howard is 58.
Quentin said back then when they were showing porn they were moving from film to video and that was in like 1979. He said it was the last bastion of the Boogie Nights kind of stuff.
Howard asked if he hates the digital age. Quentin said he got into this for film and the 24 frames per second with the flicker and all of that. Quentin said that the good quality of DVDs is fine for being at home but film in a theater is different. He said that it gives you a reason to want to leave your house. Quentin said that people don't even know they care about it. He said if you go to see one of these movies in digital and a glitch happens you realize you can just do this at home.
Howard asked Quentin about writing and how a guy with a limited education knows how to write a screenplay. Howard asked if his grammar and spelling are poor. Quentin said his spelling was never great. He uses spell check. Howard asked if he studied about that stuff. Quentin said he was writing that stuff when he was in school.
Howard said last time he was there he was promoting Inglourious Basterds. He asked if it's true that he sends all of his scripts to Leonardo DiCaprio. Quentin said that's not exactly the way it goes.
Howard asked about how he offered the role in Django to Will Smith and he turned it down. Jamie Foxx took the role. Howard said it seems to take a special actor to get what he's doing in a movie. Quentin said that he had just finished the script and he will want to talk to someone about the role. He said he has to do a ''getting to know you'' kind of thing. He said that he didn't think that Will would be right for the part. He said the part is a guy who is a slave who ends up becoming a bounty hunter. Howard said maybe Will couldn't wrap his head around the thing. Quentin said that it wasn't a perfect fit for Will. It was a perfect fit for Jamie.
Howard asked Quentin about the last time he was on the show and said he smoked hash with Brad Pitt. Quentin said that Brad was the one who brought it up first. He said he thought it was okay to talk about. Howard said it turned into a big thing between Brad and Angelina because she had told him not to do that anymore.
Howard asked Quentin if he goes to Harvey Weinstein every time he wants to make a movie. Quentin said they have a good relationship. He said that they both give each other crap but they work well together. Howard asked if he gets scared every time he makes a movie. Quentin said if this movie comes out and it's disappointing commercially then he might be upset. He said he wants the movie to be a smash. Howard said the movie seems interesting. Howard said he thinks that if he is interested in it then everyone is interested in it.
Howard told Quentin about the movie Lincoln and how he hated that. Quentin said he hasn't seen it yet. Howard said it was really boring to him.
Howard asked Quentin about his favorite films of last year. He liked the Woody Allen movie ''Midnight in Paris'' and he liked ''Rise of the Planet of the Apes.'' Howard said he liked that one. Quentin said he almost gave that one his number one slot. He said he saw Midnight In Paris a lot but he didn't laugh as much when he saw it the second time. He said he liked Owen Wilson in the movie more than any other. Howard asked if he would put him in one of his films. Quentin said he doesn't think so. He said he's one of those guys he just doesn't find funny. He said Jonah Hill is funny. He thought he was great in Moneyball and he put him in Django.
Howard asked what time this movie takes place. Quentin said that it takes place about 2 years before the Civil War. Howard asked if he has to go and study up on the war. Quentin said he already knows a lot about history. He said that this isn't the same kind of thing like Inglourious Basterds.
Howard asked Quentin about a movie not doing that well and if he's going to go into a dark place. Quentin said he's been very lucky with how well his films have done so far. He said they have done very well especially for how much they spend on them. Howard asked how much Inglourious Basterds cost to make. Quentin said it was about $75 million. Howard asked why films are so expensive to make. Quentin said the money goes to the time to do it right. He said they pay the actors but not their highest going rate. Howard sake if he wants to come in under budget to make Harvey feel good. Quentin said that's not the reason to do it but they will try to save some money.
Howard said there is a lot of pressure to do well. He said that you can't believe that someone put up $75 million to make it. Howard asked if he has ever put up his own money. Quentin said what he has done is gone way over and have them take it out of his back end deal. Howard said it's not like he deviously went over the budget and he's trying to keep the movie going. Quentin said that he is choosing to do this and he would rather invest in himself.
Howard asked Quentin if he gets about $10 million out of doing a movie like Inglourious Basterds. He told Howard to double that. Howard said that's a good pay day. Quentin said they went over the budget for Django so he put up his own back end money to pay for it.
Howard asked Quentin if there's a lot of merchandising. Quentin said that he's had a lot of dolls and things made for the past couple of movies. He said that it's not in Toys R Us or anything but they do make some stuff. He said he has the Pussy Wagon in his driveway at home. He said that's fun to drive when you go out with friends once in a while.
Howard asked Quentin if he feels superior to other human beings. Quentin laughed. Robin told Howard to just look at him. Quentin said that Robin is always a bitch to him. Robin said she's actually marveling at how down to earth he is.
Howard asked Quentin if he spoils his mother now that he's doing so well. Quentin said there was this whole thing about Elvis buying his mother cars and houses. Quentin said that he used to write his films in class and the teachers should have figured out a way to work that into the school work. Quentin said one day his mother was yelling at him about something and she said ''This writing career of yours is over.'' Quentin said that he told her that when he got famous there would be no house for her.
Howard asked if his mom is very proud of him now. Quentin said she is. Howard asked how he becomes a famous director after working in a video store. Quentin said that he started writing and the first movie was ''True Romance.'' Robin said that was a brilliant movie. Quentin said that he wrote Natural Born Killers and he wasn't able to get either one going. He said he was trying to raise the money to shoot these things. He said no one wanted to buy them. Quentin said that he didn't know anyone with money but they were trying.
Howard said those movies were kind of out there. Quentin said that True Romance showed that he could write. He said True Romance was read by people and they thought that the dialog was too long. He said that they thought he didn't know what he was doing because of the way he wrote. He said he wasn't able to get past the readers at the studios. Quentin said by the time the higher ups got it they thought it was brilliant. He said the readers there would read it and think it wasn't properly done.
Howard asked Quentin about this new movie Django Unchained and what that's all about. Quentin said it's done in the style of a spaghetti western. He said that he likes that kind of brutal film. Howard asked if they can make it look so real with the technology they have now. Quentin said it's so real looking they had to tone it down a bit. Howard said he read that Quentin started to cry during a beating of a slave scene. Quentin said it was early on in the production and they were just dealing with that ugliness. He said it was traumatizing to everyone. He said they were doing it in the slave area of a real plantation so it actually happened there. He said they could feel the spirits of the old slaves there on the property.
Howard asked Quentin about using the N-word in the movie and if he's going to get crap for that. Howard asked if the black actors had a problem with it. Robin asked if he's seen any of Quentin's movies. Quentin said they all knew what was in the script. He said because of the time period the word was used a lot on the plantation.
Robin said that they're trying to change the words of Mark Twain because of the N-word. Robin asked if she heard anything from the studios. Quentin said the studio was nervous and they did count the number of times it was said. Howard asked if Harvey ever told him to put more N-word in there. Quentin laughed.
Howard said the movie is violent but that's what it was like back then. Howard said that Jamie Foxx is a slave who turns into a bounty hunter. Quentin told Howard about how he's bought by Christoph Waltz's character and he turns him into a bounty hunter. Howard said Christoph was in Inglourious Basterds. They spent a minute talking about that. Howard said it must feel great when his actor wins an Oscar. Quentin said that it's great. He said he's so proud of things like that.
Howard asked Quentin if he won an Oscar for Inglourious Basterds. Quentin said he didn't. He said he was pissed he didn't win Best Screenplay. He said the guy who wrote Hurtlocker won for that. They won for best director too. Quentin said that he thought he was going to win so he did have a speech written. Howard asked if he was going to mention Howard Stern. Quentin said he was going to wing it.
Robin asked how it feels when they mention someone else's name. Howard said he used the N-word. Howard said it has to be tough. Quentin said he turns into an angry black man when he loses. He did an impression of what that might sound like and Robin was cracking up.
Howard said that Quentin is almost 60 years old now. He said that he doesn't have any kids but he thinks about having a child at that age. Quentin said about 10 years ago he had baby fever but that fever broke. Howard said that's good. Howard asked if he's dating now. Quentin said he is and he's getting kind of serious about her. Howard asked what she does for a living. Quentin said she writes for a lot of horror film magazines. Howard said he was reading about his life and read about some woman he was dating. Howard asked if that dating turned to love making. Quentin said ''Not per say.''
Howard asked Quentin about a story he read about this woman who revealed that he was into her feet. Quentin said what she did wasn't cool. He said he went to a party with Jamie Foxx and this okay girl came over to him and she was very aggressive. Quentin said she was making out with him and he should have stopped it but he didn't. Howard said he's a guy. Quentin said he was hanging out with Jamie and then he's macking with some chick in the first 10 minutes. He said he wasn't even that into her but he was letting her use him. He said she was grabbing his joint and he ended up taking her home. He said he was a gentleman to her and drove her home the next day. Then she wrote about it and it was all over the internet. Howard said she used him. Quentin said that's never happened to him before. He said he's been with a lot of wonderful ladies and they've all been discrete.
Howard said when he was single he got into some weird scenes. Howard said he had the same kind of things going on with women. Howard asked if he was embarrassed by kissing her feet. Quentin said that's really no one's business.
Howard said Kathy Griffin was on the show talking about hanging out with him too. Howard had some audio of Kathy talking about spending the night with Quentin and trying to avoid having sex. Kathy said they made out all night long and they were feeling each other up and things like that. She said that they made out and Quentin was fully hard. Howard asked if he had a big penis and Kathy said he did. She said there was no release on either side.
After playing the clip Howard asked Quentin how you lay in bed with someone and not have sex. Howard asked why he didn't bang her. Quentin said part of the thing was that they weren't thinking of getting together. He said they were going to see each other after that so it was just a playful messing around thing. He said it was hot and they had a fun night. Quentin said one of the things that happened was the only time that he fooled around with someone who said something very funny in bed. He said they were talking before bed and Kathy told him that if they lay in bed they're not going to have sex. He said that was fine and they could just do the thing. She said ''What is 'the thing.''' and he said that it's doing everything but sex. Kathy said that she would never do ''the thing'' with him but then a few hours later she said ''Oh my god I'm doing the thing.''
Howard asked if he feels betrayed by that clip. Quentin said he doesn't at all. He said that Kathy wasn't going into detail like this other girl did. He said the other girl was doing a hateful smear. Quentin said that everyone who read that story felt bad for him. He said that she didn't even have nice feet. He said that when he got her home he realized that she had kind of a beard. Howard said he was just being nice to her then.
Howard asked about Quentin being roasted at the Friar's Club and Quentin was kind of upset that Jerry Lewis felt like it was a roast for him. Quentin said that's not what he said. He said he loves Jerry. He said the roast was weird. He said his long time editor died before the roast and they had to put it off for a couple of months. He said that's what made the whole thing weird. Howard said that Sally Menke was her name. Howard said that she edited his films. Quentin said she was almost like a co-writer because she was so good at her job. Quentin said he didn't have her on this new movie. Howard asked if that freaked him out. Quentin said it was what it was. Howard asked if he was afraid to make his next movie after Sally died. Quentin said he wasn't afraid to do it. He said that he picked a guy was an assistant for Sally on Kill Bill. He said he got to know him during that movie.
Howard asked if he was in love with Sally. Quentin said he loved her. He said that she was his biggest collaborator ever. Howard asked what she died from. Quentin said that's the tragedy. He said it was a very hot day in Los Angeles and she went hiking with a friend and a dog. He said she felt dizzy and the friend didn't walk her back. She ended up stumbling and died. The dog stayed with her. He said that dog was in the editing room every day. Howard asked if the dog is still with the family. Quentin said she is. Howard asked if he ever did ''the thing'' with Sally. Quentin said no.
Howard asked Quentin if he is a photographer. He said he's not. Howard asked if he will wait all day for the right lighting for a scene. Quentin said they will do that at times. Howard said in Kill Bill some of the shots were beautiful. Quentin said that you could take any frame from Kill Bill hand hang it on your wall. He said it was shot beautifully.
Robin said that Howard is one of those people who doesn't like going to the theater to see a movie. Howard said that he doesn't want the germs and lice on him. Robin laughed when he said lice. Robin said that Howard will watch his movies on an iPad. Howard said he loves doing that. He said he can't wait to watch The Dark Knight on his iPad Mini this weekend. Robin was cracking up at that. She said that kills her. Howard said he can't wait for Django to come out so he can watch it on his iPad.
Quentin said his editor Fred is a huge fan of Howard's. He said that he bought the lifetime subscription when Sirius came out. Quentin said Fred got him hooked up with the radio and told him when to listen. He said that Howard said something very funny when they did the Dumber than a Box of Rocks thing. He said when the porno girl was talking about what was written on her underwear. It said ''No holds barred'' and Howard said what's written on my underwear is ''I don't wipe so well.'' He said he and his assistant were cracking up over that for days. Howard asked if he uses man wipes. Quentin said that he has heard the commercials.
Howard said Quentin is delightful. Howard said that Quentin has said that he will make 10 films and then retire. Howard said Quentin doesn't want to be an old man making movies. Howard said this new one is number 7 so he has 3 more to make. Howard asked how committed to that he is. Quentin said we'll see. He said in 10 years from now he may want to stop. He said he doesn't want to be a director whose best work is behind him. He wants it to be ahead of him. Howard said he feels the same way. He said he has 3 more years on this contract and it might be time to leave then.
Howard and Quentin talked about some directors and one of them was Avanti. Quentin said he made some really great movies but he also made some really shitty movies.
Howard gave Quentin some plugs for his new movie ''Django Unchained.'' They mentioned some of the names of the people who are in the movie. They also talked about John Travolta and how Quentin revived his career. Quentin said that people were ready for him to come back.
Howard said it's always great seeing Quentin and he wishes him lots of children at 60. Quentin said that people come up to him on the street and tell him they love him on Howard. He said he won't even be on the show for years and people still come up and say that. Quentin said that his editor tells him that the Stern fans appreciate anyone who come on the show so that's why they do that. Robin asked him to tell other people that. Quentin said that Uma Thurman told him that she had a great time on the show. Howard said he loves David Letterman and he had Led Zeppelin on the show but it was a nothing interview. Howard said he wants to get people like that on his show so he can do a real interview.
Howard said he does things for his audience. Howard said he and Quentin both do it for their audience. He said they're both great. He gave him some more plugs for the new movie and for his ''Tarantino XX 8-Film Collection'' DVD and wrapped up a short time later.
Howard said that you have to know how to use the buzzer on Jeopardy. Ken said it's tough to get it right. Howard said Gary has done Celebrity Jeopardy and he's told them how it works. Ken said that you can get locked out for a fraction of a second if you buzz in too early.
Howard said Ken actually won $3.1 million on Jeopardy. Ken said it's something like that. Howard asked if he had a high IQ. Ken said he was raised in the 80s so he knew a lot of Trivial Pursuit kind of questions. He said he grew up in Korea watching Jeopardy. Howard said Fred was kind of isolated as a kid too. He said Fred would read encyclopedias. Howard said that he was consumed with that stuff. Ken said he did the same kind of things as a kid. Howard asked if he was accused of being a nerd for doing that. Ken said he feels like he avoided that kind of stuff. He said he will go on sports talk shows and they call him a nerd. He said that whole thing has kind of ended.
Howard asked if he ate dog over in Korea. Ken said he did once. He said that they do have restaurants just for dog. He said they have the dogs tied up out front and that's what they do over there. Howard asked if it tastes like chicken. Ken said it's really just not good. He said even if you don't know what it is it's not good.
Howard asked if they have pets over in Korea. He said they do have dogs as pets. He said they have dogs that are for eating and some that are pets. Howard said his wife is doing a show where they do pet stories and they went to a place where they have pig pets but the people also eat bacon.
Howard asked Ken about playing Jeopardy and losing in a tournament. He asked if he was shocked by that. Ken said there are a lot of really great players out there. Howard said he got reinvigorated when Ken was doing so well. Ken said that there was a guy who was better than him and he lost to that guy.
Howard asked if Alex Trebeck is really disconnected from the show. Ken said that he's not allowed to talk to the contestants at all. He said they don't want any games rigged because of what went on in the 1950s.
Howard asked Ken where he went to school. He said that he went to University of Washington and Brigham Young. Ken said he is Mormon. Howard asked if he wore his magic underwear on Jeopardy. Ken said that underwear is no different than a Jewish person wearing a yarmulke or something.
Howard asked Ken if he has invested this money into anything. Ken said he has invested it but some of it has gone away with the economy the way it is. He said his investments are pretty boring.
Howard asked Ken if he can parlay this into another game show or anything. Howard said that he will give him $5,000 if he can beat Fred today. Howard said he doesn't think Fred stands a chance against him today. Ken said he hears Fred win almost every time he plays.
Howard said he thinks that Ken goes beyond trivia. Howard said he's doing history and geology and things like that. Howard said he seems to be more than just trivia. Ken said that you end up knowing just a little bit about a lot of things. Robin said that on Jeopardy you only buzz in on things you know the answers for. Robin said this game is different.
Howard said the rumor is that they'll put women through faster on Jeopardy than they do with men. Ken said they want a woman on each show so they may do that.
Ken said that he went on Jeopardy and got his ass kicked by the IBM computer. Robin said Fred is like a computer. Fred said he doesn't think he has a snowballs chance in hell to beat him. Howard asked Will to put Fred in the isolation booth first. Howard said they'll let Ken go first.
Howard said he has 7 questions and Fred has not seen them. Howard said that they're general knowledge questions. Howard said he has to answer as many as he can and they time it. Howard had Ken move over to the podium. He asked him about his new book ''Because I Said So!: The Truth Behind the Myths, Tales, and Warnings Every Generation Passes Down to Its Kids'' and spent a minute talking about that. He said you can also check out his web site at Ken-Jennings.com. Howard found out that Ken is a fan of George Takei's so he let them talk for a minute.
Howard got to the game and asked his 7 questions. Here are the questions:
Ken ended up getting 2 wrong in 36 seconds. Howard had Fred come in and do the same. Fred came in and tied on the time and the number of right answers. Howard said he's not sure what to do. Fred and Ken both got the NFL question wrong. Fred got the first question wrong. Ken called Fred out on the second question because Fred said ''silicone'' instead of silica.
Howard said they have to have a tie breaker. Gary said he thinks that they need to go to a sports clock with hundreds of a second. Gary said there are tie breaker questions there. Howard said they should just give Ken the money. Howard asked how brilliant Fred is. Ken said he's great. He said he should be on Jeopardy. Robin said they've told him to do that before. Fred said they haven't asked him to do it. Howard said he has to go and apply.
Howard asked the guys to write down their answers for this tie breaker. Howard asked ''On what ship did Charles Darwin serve as a naturalist during a 5 year voyage in the 1830s?'' Fred and Ken both said it was the HMS Beagle. They were right. Howard said Fred is impressive. Fred said that whoever picked that one knew that Ken eats dogs.
Howard asked another tie breaker question. Robin suggested leaving it at a tie and have a rematch in the future. Gary suggested doing another 7 question game. Howard said he was going to go with Gary's idea to get 7 more questions. He read a live commercial and then went to break.
Howard said this is crazy. Ken is there and he just tied with Fred in the first round of Win Fred's Money. Howard said he's playing for 5 grand today. Howard said they both got 5 out of 7 right and they played a bonus round and they tied up again. Howard said they're back to another 7 questions. Ken said they're going to do this another 75 times.
Howard got to the questions a short time later. They started with Ken again. Here are the questions:
Ken ended up getting a 3 wrong in that one. Howard said he won't tell Fred how he did. Howard asked Fred the same questions and Fred came in with 4 wrong and Ken had only 3. Ken ended up winning. Howard spent a minute talking to Ken about his win and how fast he's able to come up with those answers. Howard went over the questions and which ones Fred got wrong. Howard got in some plugs for Ken's book and for DontBeBroke.com who sponsored this contest. They spent a little more time with Ken asking him about some of the stuff in there that he debunks. They went to break a short time later.
Howard said it's time for Robin's news. They played a Mark the Bagger song parody where he sings about dreaming about Robin's lips being wrapped around his cock. Howard had Fred play a holiday song about Robin. Fred wasn't able to find one so Howard searched for one himself. Fred eventually found one so he played that. It was ''Release Robin's Bra.''
Robin started her news with a story about Frankie Muniz announcing that he is recovering from a minor stroke. Robin said he's only 27 years old. Robin said Frankie is a drummer in a band called King's Foil. Howard said he should take half an aspirin every day. Robin had some audio of one of his band's songs. Howard played that and said
Howard took a call from Ass Napkin Ed who asked why he's on his computer screen. Howard said he wanted to speak to him. Ed asked why he didn't get any money. Howard said he didn't win. Howard said he wanted Gary to give them some kind of prize. They didn't have anything else to give. Howard said you either win or lose. He lost. Ed said he appreciates that they let him come in. Gary said that he told Ed he couldn't pay for his trip down there. Ed said he appreciates that they allow him to come in. Howard said he'll come back some day and win some money. He said he appreciates him coming in to try and win.
Howard said he was surprised that George said that he had a nice cock. Ed said he's glad he didn't think it was too nice. Robin said he liked it when George was touching his cock. Ed said he did not. Robin said Ed thought it was a woman touching him. Howard asked Ed if he would ever be with a man. Ed said no way to that. Howard said they'll see Ed next year some time.
Dominic said he told the judge that all of this has to end. He said that he and his wife have had each other arrested a couple of times. Dominic said that he wants to end every problem and go on with his life. Howard said he has a feeling that Dominic lost his law license temporarily and he asked his ex-wife for some money back. Dominic said that's not what happened. Howard said he read that he was making claims about her. Dominic said he didn't ask for his money back. Howard said he's reading that they're going to prosecute him. Dominic said he's got a lawyer representing him. Dominic said he goes to this restaurant every day and his ex-wife claims that he was stalking her there. He said he wasn't stalking her. He said he just goes there to eat with his friends.
Dominic said he just wants to go on with his wife and be happy. Howard said he has to stop calling his ex-wife. Dominic said it's not that simple. Howard said he has to stay away from her. Howard said he is a common sense guy. Howard said he just has to stay away from her and leave her alone.
Dominic told Howard that he just wants everyone to have peace. He said he just wants to go on and have a life. Howard said that's fine. Dominic said he wants to talk to Robin off the air about her health. Howard said he bets Robin can't wait for that. Dominic said that he had a tummy tuck done and he can see something he hasn't seen in 30 years. Howard said he hopes it's the truth.
Howard told Dominic to try and get out of this mess he's in. Dominic said he's going to try. He told him to tell Gary he'll be coming in soon. Howard let him go a short time later.
Howard took a call from a guy who told Fred he did good today but Howard is still the smartest guy on the show. Fred said ''Okay.'' Howard said he really is the smartest guy there. Howard said Jim knows a lot. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said that the Win Fred's Money was a great episode. Howard said it was. Howard congratulated Fred on that. He let Jeff go after that.
Robin said that Angus T. Jones is still in hot water over the comments he made about the show Two and a Half Men. Robin said they think he'll be with the show this season but they're going to start diminishing his role. Robin said that they say this is nothing compared to the Charlie Sheen thing though. Howard said they should give his role to the preacher that had him saying this stuff.
Robin said that Ashley Judd may make a serious challenge for Mitch McConnell's seat in 2014. Robin said that she said yesterday that she might end up going to Washington DC to tell people how to do things. She said it might end up being her and Ashley Judd there.
Howard took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who told Fred how much she loves him. Mariann asked Howard if they time Howard on the questions. Howard said they don't do it that way. He said he tries to have the same cadence. He hung up on Mariann in the middle of a sentence.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked if George and Brad ever fart on each other. Howard asked if they fart in front of each other. George said when you reach a certain age you can't control it at times. He said he does fart in bed but he can't help it. Howard said if he has gas he gets up and goes to the bathroom to fart. Howard said Beth ridicules him for that but at least he does that. George said he doesn't feel it at all. He said that it just comes out. Howard said he needs a dog to blame it on. George said that Brad recognizes his farts. George said that his aren't smelly. He said they smell of him but they're not that smelly.
Howard took a call from a guy who called him out on calling Trent Reznor a shlub yesterday. Howard said he felt like he was Superman becoming Clark Kent when he got his hair cut. He said he dug him more when he was more mysterious and dark. Howard said he liked when he had rotting animals around him and things like that. The caller asked if he would have him on as a guest. Howard said he would but he doesn't care that much. The guy told him to check out a video called ''Old man farting'' on YouTube.
Howard said he saw a video on YouTube where they had the elevator stop and get dark and they'd slip a girl into the elevator and this little girl is dressed like a ghost. He said the people freak out. Howard said he'd be so scared if that happened to him. Howard said he saw another great one on YouTube. He said this was a guy walking around in a park in France or something. He says he has a gay meter and he checks people for being gay. The guy ends up getting the shit beat out of him. Howard said the guy is insane. He said he's not sure what web site he was on. He suggested searching for ''gay buzzer.''
Howard said he built a gay buzzer. He said he'll point it at himself first. Howard tried it out on himself. He heard a bell ring. Then when he pointed it at George he got a buzzer. Howard tried it on Benjy and got the bell. Robin suggested trying it out on Richard. Richard came in a short time later. Richard got the buzzer just like George did. Richard said there was smoke coming out of the machine.
Howard asked who they can get in there that might think that it actually works. Howard said someone who would be upset about it. Robin asked where Ross is. Howard said he wouldn't fall for it. Howard asked who would get offended. Howard said maybe Gary the Retard. Robin said Eric the Midget would be a good one. Howard told Richard to get Eric on the phone. Howard said he just wants to see if it works. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Howard told Gary to bring in a priest from the Catholic channel. Howard said he wanted to test the gay meter out on him. Howard pointed it at Gary instead. Gary got the gay buzzer.
Robin said Howard is writing a Broadway play and it's not as easy as you'd think it is. George asked if he's going to do it the same year as Allegiance. Robin said they're going to do it in 2014. Gary told Howard where the Stern Show musical page was. Howard told George that this play will be about the show and they'll have something like Tim Sabean shitting all over the walls of the bathroom. Howard said they created a song about the incident. Howard played the song ''I Shit On the Wall.'' George said it was too obvious. Howard played another song that Tim did and he sang about shitting on the wall and it was to the tune of ''The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow.'' Howard asked if he liked that one better. George said he likes the melody. Howard played a third song and said this reflects what goes on during the show. George said he has left other types of stains on the walls.
Howard had Eric the Actor on the phone. Howard demonstrated how it works. He pointed it at George and got the buzzer. Then he pointed it at himself and got the bell. Howard said he's going to point it at the phone. He got the buzzer. Howard tested it again. Howard said he thought Eric was heterosexual. Howard said that means that he's gay. Eric asked if he woke up for this bullshit. Everyone cracked up at that comment. Howard asked if he has a man in his bed. Eric said ''No you dumb fuck.'' Howard turned the machine off. He said he thought Eric was the straightest man ever. Howard tried it out again and pointed it at George, Benjy, Fred and himself. Then he pointed it at the phone and got the gay buzzer again. Eric said he is not gay. Howard asked if he's saying this is not accurate. Eric said it is not accurate. He said he's a dumb ass. Howard pointed it at Gary to make sure it works right. Gary got the buzzer this time. Gary told Howard to shut the fuck up in his Eric the Actor voice.
Howard tried pointing it at the phone again. He got the gay buzzer. Howard asked Eric if he's into guys at all. Eric said he's 100 percent sure he is not gay. Howard pointed it at Jason and then George again. Jason got the straight bell and George got the gay buzzer. Howard tried the phone once again and he got the buzzer that wouldn't stop buzzing. Howard said it's saying his more gay than ever. Howard asked Eric if he has something to say. Eric said Howard is a dumb fuck, he's not gay. Howard kept going and tried everyone out again. Howard pointed it at the phone again and got the buzzer that wouldn't stop. Howard asked what's going on there. Howard asked Eric what's going on there. Eric said that's Fred hitting the sound and Howard doesn't have bullshit in his hand. Howard said he busted him. He said he's right. Howard said he'll point it at Eric once again and get the straight bell. He did that and got the buzzer but then he got the bell. Howard said maybe he's sitting in a chair made by a gay guy. Eric said he knows he's straight. Howard said he's just busting his balls. Robin told him to go back to sleep now.
Howard said Mitt Romney was going to hand out those things at his inauguration. Howard asked Eric if he ever laughs at anything. Eric said he laughs at sitcoms and funny movies. Howard asked if he's ever laughed at anything they do. Eric said he has. He said he hasn't had him on the air when he's heard something funny on the show. Howard told him to go back to bed. He tried to machine out on him once again and got the buzzer again. Then Fred played the bell. Howard let him go and Fred played the buzzer as he was hanging up.
Robin said Kathie Lee has a musical on Broadway right now. Robin said that they announced that the play will close on the 9th. Robin said it's very difficult to have a play on Broadway. Howard said their show won't miss. Howard said they have so many great songs. Howard said he has a scene with Riley Martin that he can play. He played the song that had Riley singing about Howard being a cheap fuck. Howard said that's great. Robin said her favorite moment is the one between JD and Jason. Howard said that's where JD hates Jason and they break into song over it. Howard played that one next. That was ''I Hate You Asshole'' to the tune of ''I've Got You Babe.'' Howard played some more songs that Jason and JD recorded for this musical. They eventually have everyone singing against Jason. He said that Jason and DePace get into it and sing together too. He played a bunch of short clips from each of the songs.
Howard said Jason is so fat and he ends up eating in the middle of the play. Howard played the song he'll be singing during that part of the musical. He had a new one where Robin sings with a bunch of the other guys on the staff. George heard that and said he would pay to go see that. Howard said he knows that if George loves it then he'll do fine with the play. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Howard said he might have to hit George up for some songs in the play. Howard said they could have him in the Rambles and he comes out of the jungle woods with his pants down. Howard played a song Sal sang about George in the Rambles. Howard said that they could reenact the blow job on stage. George said he could probably get a Tony award for that. Howard said he's not sure that he could beat out Robin.
Robin got back to her news and read a story about a father of 9 who has been ordered by a court to stop having kids. Robin said the guy is 44 and he owes more than $100,000 in back child support. Robin said he was sentenced to probation on Monday. Howard said he likes the court doing that.
Robin read a story about a study that was done that found out you can tell if a man is faithful just by looking at his face. Howard tried pointing his machine at George to see if he was faithful. He got the unfaithful buzzer. Howard pointed it at Fred and Robin and got the faithful bell. Howard asked George if he cheated on Brad. George said he did not. Howard said he did a long time ago. George said there was a point when he wasn't cheating at all. George asked when the machine checks. Howard said it's based on his whole life. Howard said the machine works.
Robin read more about the faithful thing and how people were rating people based on their looks. Robin said women can just look at you and tell if you're going to be faithful.
Robin read a story about George W. Bush and what he thinks immigration reform will do. Robin had some audio of him talking about that. Howard said if you think about it we're all born on the same planet and there are people telling you that you can't live somewhere. Howard said he gets how we're divided up but it's crazy telling someone you can't live somewhere else. George said that the first illegal immigrants came from Mexico and they were being abused so they wrote to the President and got help. Howard pointed his cheater machine at him and got the buzzer again.
Robin read about the debates going on over the fiscal cliff. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on that. Robin said that they republican's wont back down on their not raising taxes on the richest 2 percent of the country even though the rest of the country will be hurt by that.
Robin read about how the White House is still issuing warnings to Syria over their threats to use poisonous gas on their citizens. Robin had some audio of someone commenting on that too.
Robin read about a suspect being arrested over the deadly subway push from the other day. Robin said the guy had changed his looks since he was caught on video. Robin said the guy has been arrested and he has a rather lengthy rap sheet. Howard checked George to find out if he's ever pushed anyone on the tracks. He got the buzzer. Howard asked if he wishes that William Shatner would die. He got the bell. George said we all die. He said he's all for equality.
Robin read about the sounds they got from a probe in space that caught the earth's magnetisphere. Howard played the clip and there were some whistles and buzzing going on. Fred threw in some other sound effects like a dolphin, a donkey and a truck backing up.
Howard said that America's Got Talent has some passes that will allow you to pass the lines. Howard said you have to sign up at HowardStern.com. Howard said Maria Menounos will be hosting the Best of 2012 later this month.
Robin said that Mayor Corey Booker has been trying to live on food stamps to show how hard it is. Robin had some audio of Booker talking about that experience. Robin wrapped up and Howard gave George some plugs and thanked him for being there. They ended the show around 10:25am.
Jon laughed and said ''I don't know Teddy...'' JD said they're acting like he hasn't been in there for a year. Jon said it has been a long time. JD said he was in there with Jason when they were fighting.
Jon asked about a line that Robin threw out at Quentin Tarantino today. Gary said he missed that. He said he's going to give her a quarter of a free pass. Gary said the other 3/4 he'll talk about how she did on Jeopardy.
Jon said that during the Tarantino interview he was asking Robin why she was such a bitch to him. Jon said that Robin turned around and talked about how great he was for the rest of the interview. Jon said she was fired up through the whole broadcast today.
Jon said that there was a mutual admiration thing going on between Howard and Quentin today. Jon asked JD if he knew that Quentin had dropped out of school in the 9th grade. JD said he may have known it at some point but he forgot about it.
Jon asked JD if he can relate to what Quentin was talking about. JD said he did write some stuff in school. Gary asked JD why he doesn't just take a couple of weeks and write. JD said he doesn't want to be seen as a failure at something. He said he is very lazy too. He said he has had ideas but they haven't been flushed out fully.
Gary asked JD what he's going to do in 3 years if this ends. JD said he would like to think that something could happen but he doesn't know. He said he has no idea.
Gary said he's going to have to write a few scripts to come up with a good one. JD said he knows that. He said he doesn't have the drive. He said it's not really there completely. He said he has a drive but it's not fully there. He said he doesn't like talking about it either.
Gary said JD thinks that he could be successful but he doesn't find the time to write. JD said he thinks he has an eye for filming and stuff but he's not sure about the writing thing. He said he hasn't put any energy into it. Gary asked if he's going to do it some day or does he just want to forget it. JD said there are days when he wants to do it and there are days when he thinks it will never happen. Jon said maybe he should be a DP if he has the eye. JD said he didn't do very well with lighting when he went to Full Sail. Gary said he'd have to ascend to that position. He said he'd have to do a lot of things that he doesn't want to do to get there. Jon said he thinks they've hit on a common theme there.
Gary said he gets bummed when he talks to JD. He said he is passionate and knowledgeable about movies. He said he just can't get passionate enough to move forward.
Jon asked JD if he was modeling his career path after Quentin Tarantino's. JD said that he wasn't really. He said his mom told him he had to get a job. JD said he did work in a video store but he worked in an old folks home first. Jon asked what he did there. He asked if he was a candy striper. JD said he wasn't. Gary asked if he even knows what that is. JD said he didn't know. Gary explained it and laughed.
JD told the guys that he got a job at a video store that was behind their apartment complex. Gary asked if he wanted to work there or was it because it was convenient. JD said it was both. He said he knew movies and it was convenient.
Gary said his son wants to make movies. He said he won't tell him that he has a better chance of hitting the lottery. He said he won't tell him that because maybe he is that one in a million who will make it.
Jon said that Scott Salem supported his son for a very long time. Jon asked Gary if he's prepared to support his son. Gary said it's too soon. He said his son is a freshman and he's got a few years before he has to worry about that. They spent another minute on that and then went to break.
JD said Ronnie had a funny look on his face when he came in there. Ronnie asked why he's not at the writer's meeting. JD said he was asked to come in there. JD asked why he's not out there tweeting. Ronnie said he heard that JD is buying followers on Twitter. He said a little birdie told him that. JD said that's the most ridiculous thing to do. He said he would never do that. Ronnie said that he would never buy followers.
Will said that JD and Ronnie argue about who has more followers. JD said he has never bought any followers ever. Ronnie said he heard he's linking something into his Twitter account. JD asked what he's talking about.
Jon asked if Ronnie is upset that JD has more followers than him. Ronnie said it doesn't bother him at all. JD said he isn't bothered either.
Gary asked JD what it means to him to have so many followers. JD said it means people are interested in what he has to say. Gary asked if it would bother him if Jason had more. JD said he doesn't think so. JD said Gary has more than him and he's fine. Gary said JD doesn't hate him though. JD said he doesn't hate Jason either.
Jon moved on to talk about Ken Jennings and how he did against Fred. Jon said they had to have a tie breaker and then Ken triumphed. Gary said he thinks that Fred and Ken have similar knowledge bases. Gary said he thought that if Fred got the football question right he would have won. Gary said he was right too. Fred missed that one.
Gary said he felt that the game could have gone either way. Will said he thought it took the wind out of the sails when he won.
Jon asked Jason what he was smiling at. Jason said he heard that JD buys his followers. JD told him that's not true. Ronnie said he buys pussy. Gary asked how much they cost. JD said he doesn't know because he doesn't buy them.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked JD what he's going to do when Howard retires. JD said he doesn't know. He said he'll find out when it happens. Gary asked JD if the show ended tomorrow where is he going to look for work? JD said he wouldn't be looking to do anything in radio. Will said ''shocking.'' JD asked why Will is even in there.
Gary said that some people may get offers but most people will have to go out looking. JD said he'll see what other people are doing and maybe see what's going on at those places. Jason asked what he can bring to a company. JD said he's a hard worker and he will learn what he has to learn and it will get done. Jason asked if he's a people person. JD said he doesn't know about that.
Jon asked if he would want to be a writer. JD said he doesn't now. He said if it comes to that then he'll see what's going on. Gary said JD is his own worst cheerleader.
Jason said a couple of years ago Tim had them fill out surveys about what their jobs are. He said they all wrote theirs out and he saw JD's and all he wrote on it was ''I record TV.'' He said he went back to him and said he has to write more than that. They spent a minute on that and then went to break.
Jon asked Tim Sabean if he notices that about George. Tim said he's not sure if people are confused by the TV cameras or what. He said you have to be on microphone.
Gary said they used to have microphones that he would put right to their face and they'd lean back and get away from the microphone. He said he'd always wonder why they don't know that you have to be on microphone when you're on radio.
Jon said George never disappoints when he's in. Tim said he lets it all go when he's there. Jon asked if he's put off by any of the antics he does. Tim said the prettiest penis contest was so funny. He said that he was grabbing the penises and he was shaking hands after that without washing them first. Gary said he was touching balls and penis like women touch dresses when they're out shopping. Tim said it was kind of creepy. Gary said he petted Jason Ellis' penis like it was a pet.
Gary said they put George up at a hotel the night before his first show at Sirius. He said he feels like he's related to George now. He said they barely knew the guy back then. Tim said things were kind of weird that night they were in his hotel room with his script. Gary said it does cross our mind that the guy might want to fuck you.
Jon asked Tim if he thought Fred was going to win today. Tim said he thought Fred was going to do it. Fred said he didn't think he would but he did make it close.
Tim asked Fred why he's not on Jeopardy. Fred said he wouldn't do it. He said it's just a big waste of time for him unless it was a really big prize. Gary said they're always a big prize. Fred said if you can run two columns during the game then save up until the end of the game you could do very well. Gary said he did Rock and Roll Jeopardy and he used the clicker better than Weird Al and he got a confidence that the others may not have had. Fred said he got the Jeopardy game that you play on your own but it's not the same.
Jon asked how Fred felt Robin was acting today. Fred said Robin had a hard time with the buzzer thing. Gary said that was her second time on though. She had already played. Fred said some people just aren't mechanically inclined.
Fred said he has the feeling he has a 51 percent chance of winning against the contestants. He said his worst loss was against Crazy Cabbie. Gary said that was the Buster Douglas fight between them. Fred said that was the worst defeat of his life. He said he didn't think Cabbie could bring it that day and he was wrong. They had to end the show after that. Fred was doing his JD impression a little bit as they were doing the plugs. The show was over around 11:15am.
In the clip Howard had a guy on the phone who was the leader of a gay choir. The guy said they had a song to sing for Howard. They broke into song a few seconds later. They were singing to the tune of a Christmas song and sang about Howard and some gay stuff. Howard said they're a couple of talented rim attackers. Howard asked if they were really gay. The guy said they were. Howard said he's going to look into that to make sure.
Howard got the second gay choir guy on the phone and he was on a car phone. Howard said they sound a little more gay than the other guy. Howard asked if he wanted to sing a song too. The guy asked what song. Howard said he figured they would have thought about it already. Howard said he thinks he's going to go with the first group then. Howard said that they are just a little more innovative. Howard said he hates listening to car phones anyway. He hung up on that guy.
Howard got back to the first choir and said he's going to have them as his gay chorus. Howard said they used some gay terms in their song and it was pretty good.
Jackie told Howard that those guys are definitely gay. Howard asked how he can say that. Jackie was just going by what he heard. Howard said he can't say that.
Henry Winkler Comes In. 12/6/02. 7:55am
Actor/producer Henry Winkler came in this morning to plug some stuff. He's now the executive producer for Hollywood Squares 2. Howard said he heard that Henry was nervous to come on the show. He said no one should be nervous about coming on the show.
Howard read in his notes that Henry was once invited to one of Cher's parties back when he played Fonzie and she asked him why he didn't talk like that character. Henry said that story was true and told Howard that she was disappointed in him because of that. Howard got right into it with Henry about how he never really seemed to get laid when he was younger. He got married at the height of his fame and he's still married to that woman. Henry said family life satisfies him and it keeps him grounded. Howard asked him if he dated when he was the Fonze. He said he did date some women before he met the woman he married. Henry told Howard he did went to the Playboy mansion one time but it turned out to be a funny situation. He said he ate some food off one of the playmate's plate and she yelled at him. He said he got up and left after that.
Henry said he was 27 when he got the part on Happy Days so he wasn't all that young. He said before that he had a part on the Mary Tyler Moore show but the Happy Days thing took off. Henry said he didn't get much money in the beginning of the show but his contract was renegotiated later and he made some good money. He still gets residuals from the show but they're not all that much.
Howard brought up a story about how Henry's daughter Zoe called a friend and complained about Eminem's CD and the call ended up on his CD. Howard said he had the clip from the message but couldn't find it. Howard said she ended up agreeing to let him use her voice on his CD and signed away her rights to the clip. Howard finally found the clip and played it. She was really angry after hearing his vulgar songs.
Howard said Henry's wife Stacy used to be a huge fan of the show and she used to tell people to listen when he first started out in Los Angeles. Then Howard said something about Henry and pissed her off. Gary said she called and asked him why Howard would do that. Howard admitted that he's a mental patient and that's why he does that.
Howard heard that Henry's son is dating one of the Olsen Twins. Henry said that's true and they were dating but they're now just friends. Howard said that's a big catch if he could hold on to that. Henry said the girls are lovely and very down to earth girls. Henry said his son Max is a winner and he'll do what he wants. Howard said he wants to get him on the show now that he knows that. He wanted to know which one of the girls he was dating. Henry said that it was Mary Kate who was coming over the most. Both of them come over to the house because Max's friend is dating Ashley. Howard ended up asking Henry if he'd allow him to put a hidden camera in his bathroom. Henry said he'd do just about anything for him except that.
Henry brought up his other kids and how successful they are too. Henry snuck in a mention for the new Hollywood Squares while they were talking about that. Howard then spent a few minutes talking about how they like what they've done with the show. Howard said he stopped watching while Whoopi was on but he's back to watching now. Henry said Gilbert has returned to the show.
Howard couldn't get over the fact that Henry's son is dating one of the Olsen Twins so he kept asking questions about that. Howard also told Henry that he wants to make a ''Girls Gone Wild'' video featuring the Olsen Twins. Henry said he'd let them know.
Howard asked Henry if he's still in touch with Ron Howard. Henry said they're very close to this day and he's actually the God Father for his kids.
Howard brought up the JumptheShark.com web site and how it's all based on the episode of Happy Days when Fonzie jumped over some sharks. Howard asked him what he thought about it and Henry said that any publicity is good publicity.
Howard let Henry get in some plugs for his new show ''Win Tuition'' that's airing on the Game Show Network. He talked about that a little bit before Howard brought up the Olsen Twins again. He just couldn't let that go. Henry had nothing but good things to say about them.
Howard took a few phone calls for Henry. Jeff the Drunk called in but didn't have much to say so Howard hung up and moved on. A woman called in and said that the highlight of her week was always talking about Happy Days the day after it aired when she went to school. Howard figured Henry hated the Fonze character but he did a little bit of him for the woman on the phone. She was thrilled to hear it. Some of the stuff the woman was saying was kind of disturbing to Howard.
Artie asked Fonzie, I mean Henry if anything ever happened with the chicks who played Pinkie and Leather Tuscadero on the show. Henry said he never did anything with them and Pinkie has gone crazy. He said that she just recently shot her neighbor's car with a shotgun. They spent a short time on that and then moved on to some other stuff.
Howard asked Henry about some of the other people he worked with on Happy Days and he didn't have a bad word to say about any of them.
Howard gave Henry a couple more plugs and took some more phone calls for him. A listener called in and asked Henry who got laid more, Scott Baio or him. Of course it's Scott Baio who got more chicks. Howard and Henry ended up talking about Baio and the chicks he used to bang. Howard told Henry that he seems to be really with it and normal. They spent a little time talking about that and then Henry asked Howard if he'd ever do Hollywood Squares. Howard said he won't do it because he's too big for it. He told Henry he did the show many years ago and hated the experience. Howard said they edited out all of the cool stuff he did and it pissed him off.
Artie asked Henry about the Dom Deluise show where they had to ''crane him into his square.'' Henry talked about that for a short time and Henry didn't have anything bad to say about him either. Howard said he doesn't have anything bad to say about anyone but Pinkie Tuscadero. Howard wrapped up the interview after talking to Henry for a couple more minutes.
In the clip Howard picked up on John and started giving him a hard time about the way he's been acting lately. Howard said that he's moping around there like he's owed something. John said he does not. Howard said he does and he knows he'll have a million excuses for why things failed for him. Howard said he sees what's going on. Howard said he can't walk around moping if they don't get to his segment. Howard said no one dislikes him there. He said no one is trying to sabotage his segment. John said he knows. Howard said there's something wrong with him. John said he doesn't think he has an attitude.
Robin asked John what he's said to her on Friday for the past couple of weeks. John said he just mentioned he feels like Leonard Marshall because he can't get in there to play. Howard told him he's not Leonard Marshall yet. He said Leonard has proven himself and John hasn't.
Howard said Fred has a Mayberry script from 1982 that he hasn't gotten to yet. Howard told him to relax and just wait. Howard said no one is asking him for a rebate. He said he's getting a couple of dollars a week. He told him to just sit there. John said he'll be back tomorrow. He said he was up until 1:30 last night so he didn't come in today. Howard said he figured he had practiced enough already. John said he had to reprogram his rack. Howard wished him good luck tonight.
Howard said the only gig that really matters is this one. He said he doesn't care about his gigs. Howard said John has to stop moping around there too. He said he got to Dan the producer because he came to him saying they had to get to his stuff. Howard said he told Dan they'll get there eventually. They're not going to rush to get to him though.
Howard told John he wants winners there and not people who mope around. Howard told John to pull up his boot straps and get to work. He said he walks around there like a dope. John asked what he's talking about. Howard said if he doesn't straighten him out every week he turns into a mess. Howard said he has been busy lately and hasn't had time for that.
Howard said Fred used to be the same way as John. Howard said he has to stop it already. John said he doesn't even tell Howard all of the stuff that's going on.
Howard said Shelly the typist doesn't come in anymore. Gary said she had to do the Uncle Floyd show yesterday. Howard got a laugh out of that. Howard said she only works for a half hour a day. John said she doesn't talk to anyone there anymore either.
Shelly came in so Howard went off on her too. She said that Howard was pissing her off. Howard said she gets pissed off at everything. Shelly said she's been there for 14 months and now he's making a big deal out of this. She asked him to do this one thing for him and he's giving her a hard time. She told her that she's acting like a loser too. She said he has time to listen to her tapes in the limo. Howard said when he's in his limo he listens to Jackie tapes. He said Jackie is his man.
Howard told Shelly she may sit and listen to that tape eventually. Shelly said that her boyfriend made this thing for him and the least he could do is listen to it.
Howard asked if he could play this tape on the air. Shelly told Howard that he did some dirty stuff in it so he may have to have Gary listen to it. Howard said this is not a high priority with him. Shelly said she knows that. She said she would like him to listen though.
Howard said this is what the interns are doing around there. He said she says she doesn't ask him for anything and that's the way it's supposed to be. Howard said you don't ask for anything when you're an intern. Howard said you get to do cool stuff there and you absorb what's going on around there.
Howard said that they gave Shelly a life around there. Howard said he gave her a cat too. He said they put her on Nutri-System too. Howard said they've given her too much and she doesn't appreciate it. Howard said she's as bad as John.
Howard had Shelly come back in so he could explain something to her. Shelly came back in and said that Howard acts like she's making a big deal out of this every day. She said she's really not. Howard told her he will listen to the tape. Howard said he will give it to Gary to check out first. Howard told Shelly to get back to work now. He said she's really intense.
In the clip Howard had Chip Z'Nuff on the phone and had some issues with the line at first. They got him on another phone line a short time later. Howard talked to Chip about going to the Cannabis Cup over in Holland. Howard talked to Chip about all of the chicks he gets being the rock star he is.
Chip told Howard his wife left him a couple of months ago. Howard said when he's not busy getting high he's having sex. He said he can't imagine why his wife left him.
Howard asked what was going on over there with the women. Chip told Howard about picking up hookers there. He said that you go there and pick out the woman you want and since the girls know him and Sebastian Bach the price goes down drastically.
Chip told Howard about the cannabis cup and how that works. He told Howard they have about 20 judges and they test out various shops over in Amsterdam. He said that you walk in and they ask you what you want to try and they give you samples. He said you sign a book and then you leave. Howard spent a few more minutes with Chip and then let him go. Howard figured he was high as a kite.
In the clip Howard was in the middle of making fun of Jackie's sneeze. He said he sneezes louder than any human being. Billy West was doing an impression of the sneeze over and over. Howard said his voice is much lower in the sneeze than it is when he talks. Jackie said it was just one sneeze. Howard and the guys kept goofing on him while Fred kept playing the clip of the sneeze over and over again.
Howard took a call from a guy while he was doing the Jackie sneeze sound. The guy wasn't sure if he had the right number.
The caller had an unusual voice so Howard asked if he's mentally challenged. The guy said he's a friggin idiot. Howard asked if he really is. The guy said he just has a speech impediment. Howard asked a bunch of questions about what was wrong with him. Howard asked what his IQ was. The guy said he didn't know. Howard found out he went to high school and didn't go to college. Howard asked if he had a shrimp boat company. He asked if he went to school on a short, yellow bus. The guy said he didn't. Howard said he's just trying to figure out what life is like down in Florida.
Howard asked the guy if he is ever mistaken for a mentally challenged person. The guy said no. Howard asked if he's married. He said no. Howard asked if he's ever been out with a girl. The guy said he could tell him stories that would make his head spin.
The caller said he wanted to ask about Snapple and the opportunity that Howard said he thought he missed out on with Proctor & Gamble. Howard didn't know what the guy was talking about. Howard said they have to jerk this guy around. Gary said he thinks he means when the company bought them he should have bought some stock in the company. The guy said that's what he was talking about.
Howard asked the guy if he gets girls. The guy said ''You better believe it.'' The caller had more questions for Howard. Howard said this call seems like a questionnaire. The guy said he is going ahead and making a video and he's going ahead with his invention that he thinks would interest Howard. Robin was laughing at the guy. The guy said he's going to market with an invention and he thinks Howard would like it. Howard told the guy to go ahead. Howard said Jackie has had some crazy inventions himself.
Howard asked if this guy is asking him to get in on the ground floor with this invention. Howard asked what he's pitching. Howard found out his name was Robert. Howard said he has a blank check in front of him so he might be in luck today. Robert said this product is uniquely different. He said he's making a movie. Howard said he thought it was a video. The guy said ''You better believe it.''
Howard asked Robert if this is a combined investment. The guy said he can invest in the invention or the movie. Howard asked if the invention goes with the video. Robert said it can. He said he doesn't want to disclose it on the air. He said he thinks that Howard will find it intriguing and unique. Billy West started doing an impression of the guy by that point. He had him down pretty good.
Robert said that this video will be XXX rated. He said that it's very unique. Howard asked what's unique about that. Robert said that it's very different. Howard started doing an impression of Robert too. Robert said he had no idea he had such an impediment on the phone. Howard asked him to say ''Life is like a box of chocolates.'' Robert did that but tried to say it straight. Howard had him say some other lines from ''Forrest Gump.'' Robert said the lines.
Howard told Robert that he can't invest in anything if he doesn't know what it is. Robert said he's not asking for anything. He said he's just letting him know that it may interest him. Gary asked him to send them a prospectus. Howard thanked him for the call and let him go.
In the clip Howard had Dee Snider come in and said he had to soak in his new look. Howard said he has shaved the sides of his head. Howard said he has to get used to it. Howard said Jackie said he looks like he went through a fraternity hazing.
Dee said it's the 1990s so he has to stay with it. Howard was staring at Dee so Dee pointed that out. Robin said Howard is wondering if he'll have to do that to the side of his head.
Howard said Dee has some cool tattoos too. Howard said he thinks the tribal tattoos that are big right now aren't going to be big. He said it's probably a bad idea to get something like that.
Howard said he wanted Dee to come with him to get a tattoo. He said he went already and he got all confused. Dee said he would have come. Howard said it's too late, he already went. Howard said he isn't afraid to commit. He said he's just not a good design person. Howard said Dee can look at stuff and think it's cool. Howard said he doesn't know what looks good. He said Ralph isn't good with tattoos. Howard said he went to the tattoo place and Ralph was suggesting bones and animal imprints. He said he felt funny calling Dee so he didn't call him.
Ralph asked why he's a homo if Howard wasn't able to pick either. Howard told him to get out of there. He said he's taking away from Dee's time.
Howard said he never knows what to do with Dee. Howard said Dee thinks that it's his fame that keeps him from calling him but Dee is really his closest Hollywood friend. Howard said the last time he hung out with him he borrowed $300 from him and never gave it back.
Howard said part of it was that Dee has 3 boys and they're all sexed up. Dee said his son is 12 now. Howard said he was trying to kiss his daughter. Howard said he doesn't want them having sex with Dee's kids. Howard said they came over one time and the son was trying to kiss his daughter. Howard said he decided not to have them over with the kids anymore. Howard said Jesse is pretty sexual. Dee said he is.
Dee said the girls are into Jesse in school. He said he realized the other day that he's living a different life. Howard said Jesse looks like his mother. He said he and Dee had to do weird stuff to get girls. He said that they didn't have looks like that.
Howard said he loves Dee and his wife loves Dee and his wife. Howard said the last time they were over the kids were playing and he didn't like that. Howard said Dee has a baby that was swinging on a railing and told him not to worry if it fell. Howard said he didn't see what was going on with Jesse and Emily but they were doing something in the basement. Howard said he broke that up. Jesse said they're both 12 now. Howard said he's not interested in his son experimenting with his daughter. Howard played a little bit of Dee's music and then went to break.
After the break Howard said Dee thinks that he should walk away from radio. He said he thinks he should walk away when he's on top. Dee said no one ever walks away when they're on top. Howard said Dee has already applied for his job. Howard said he thinks differently than Dee though. He said he'd rather get a contract and go out on the decline.
Dee said he didn't walk away when he should have. He said that he stayed with it too long. Howard said he hasn't reached his peak yet. Dee said Howard will go into TV and music so he's right.
Robin said she's bothered that Dee is saying this is it for him. Howard said Dee is just saying that there is no such thing as running out of steam. He said radio is so bad that he could be an old man and still do well. Howard said they're about to move into Portland and Seattle so they're doing fine.
Jackie Puppet (Billy West) said that there is no such thing as old jokes. There's only new audiences. Howard said he's the greatest. Billy kept doing his impression and goofed on Jackie some more. Howard told him to calm down over there.
Howard said Dee has joined them and he made Twisted Sister popular. He said he's now in Widowmaker. Howard said his new album is vastly different. He said he doesn't object either. Dee said that's because Howard moves forward and doesn't stay in the past.
Howard said he's going to play some of Dee's new music. He played some John Tesh music instead. He was joking around about how that was Dee's new music. Howard eventually played some of Dee's new stuff. Howard asked what this Iron Road song was about. Dee said it's about the Transcontinental Railroad actually. Dee said thousands of people died making it.
Howard played another song from Dee's new album and said he likes that song. Howard said all of the tracks are good. He played a little bit from the start of each song. They spent a few more minutes talking before wrapping up.
Fred Much Calmer Today, Sill Not Happy With Gary. 12/06/07. 6:25am
Howard got back to the e-mail and read through some about Richard Christy. Some people think they're being too hard on Richard and his girlfriend about them wanting to get tucked in by elves. Howard said that some people wrote in about Fred freaking out on Gary yesterday. They think that Fred went a little far and got carried away when he went off on him about the plumber thing. Fred said he thinks that Gary was lying years ago when he told the story and he's still lying. Fred said he thinks that he will blow it off in the future.
Fred said that he thinks that Gary was lying back then and he's carried that story on for many years. Fred was much calmer this morning and wasn't yelling at Gary this time. Gary said that he thinks that Fred shouldn't be mad at him, he should be mad at Howard because he's the one who has kept the myth going all these years. He said that Will thinks that as well. Fred said that he can't believe that he's going with something that Will is saying.
Fred started going off on Will so Will came in and said something about the scorpion tattooed on Fred's arm. Artie told Will to tread lightly there. Will said he probably should and he should watch out for someone who has a scorpion on his arm.
Howard said that if you watch the episode of Howard TV where Richard had his asshole bleached, you'll see Will sticking a dildo in his ass. Artie said he missed that, he wasn't looking at Richard's shitty ass at the time. Howard said that he hopes that Will and Fred will be okay. Fred said he doesn't bother him, he's just a dipshit.
Marlon Wayans Comes In. 12/6/00. 7:50am
Actor/comedian Marlon Wayans came in to promote his new movie ''Dungeons & Dragons'' this morning. Since Marlon was one of the writers and stars of the blockbuster movie ''Scary Movie'' earlier this year Howard wanted to find out how it's changed his life. The whole Wayans family grew up poor and Howard made sure to make that clear to everyone. He told us how Marlon had to sleep in the same bed with 2 other siblings and a bunch of other stuff like that. He kept asking Marlon how much money he made from ''Scary Movie'' and if it's changed his life. Marlon said that he made somewhere ''north'' of a million dollars from the movie. He didn't get specific though. Howard figured that they must have made out really well because the movie grossed over $150 million. Marlon said they didn't get really great deal to do the movie. He said they'll get a better deal on ''Scary Movie 2'' which they're working on now. He said that they sold out and did the sequel even though they said they wouldn't.
Marlon didn't say that his life had changed all that much since the movie. He said he's still waiting for the money to come in. He did say that when the movie hit big he went to dinner with his family and the people from the movie and they cried because they were so happy. He said it was like ''we won'' when they made it big like that. Howard said the movie was the highest grossing African-American directed movie of all time. Marlon's brother Keenan was the director. He'll also direct the sequel.
Marlon said that he did the ''Dungeons & Dragons'' movie before ''Scary Movie'' hit big so he didn't get a huge paycheck for that. ''Dungeons & Dragons'' opens this Friday.
Howard said that Marlon is dating some hot chick and asked him if he's going to marry her. Marlon, like Howard, thinks that marriage can screw up a relationship so he probably won't be doing that. He told Howard ''if it's not broke, don't fix it..'' talking about their relationship.
Howard said that ''Scary Movie 2'' will be out in the summer of 2001. Before Marlon left he asked that Howard play the ''Beetlejuice for Senator'' bit that they put together a few months ago. He and his brother love Beet. Howard played it and Marlon laughed his ass off through the whole thing as Beetle filled us in on his campaign ideas like going to school for 44 years, giving everyone in New York a million bucks and only making them pay $22 in taxes. Marlon said he wants to write a part for Beetlejuice in ''Scary 2''. Howard told him that he's not happy being a movie star so the part would have to be small. Marlon said that he'd go to Beet's house and just film him right there if he wanted to.
In the clip Howard had Geraldo come in to talk about an interview he did with Charles Grodin where he didn't defend him. Howard said he's heart broken over this. Robin told him not to kiss her when he comes in there. Robin said he does look good though. She complimented his ass.
Howard said he had tape of this interview Charles did with Geraldo. Howard played the clip and Charles was talking about Howard's appearance on The Tonight Show and how awful he thought that was. Geraldo said he had no idea how much Howard was going to be a part of his interview. Geraldo asked what it was that he said about Grodin that upset him. Howard said he has always said he's a good actor but he's an awful interviewer. Howard said he did say that he thought the toupee glue had gone to his brain. Howard said that's like the end of the world for Grodin. Howard said no one is fooled by that toupee. Geraldo said he won't comment on that. Howard said that is the one big taboo subject. Howard said everyone knows it's a toupee.
Gary told Howard that someone from Grodin's show told him that he comes in wearing a hat and then he goes into a locked room and comes out with hair. Howard said that's just playful fun. Howard said people make fun of him all the time and he's fine with it.
Howard said that this isn't about Grodin. He said he has a problem with Geraldo. Geraldo said he was just setting up where the source of Grodin's problem comes from.
Howard played more audio of Grodin talking about him doing the Tonight Show. Grodin asked Geraldo if he approves of what Howard does. Geraldo said that no one who books Howard should be surprised by what Howard does. He said Howard knows what he's doing. Geraldo said Howard is an interesting character. He said he's almost shy in many ways away from the microphone. He said he can be evil too though.
Howard cut it off and said it gets worse. Howard played more of the interview and said that he's really not that upset with what Geraldo had to say. He said it wasn't great but he could have said nicer things about him. Howard said he's upset but not that upset.
Howard played more of the interview and Grodin brought up Douglas Kiker who died of cancer after Howard wished cancer on him. Howard said Kiker was an awful person. He said he was hired at NBC and that was his life's dream. Howard said Kiker came in saying he wanted to do a nice piece on him and said he was a fan. He said he did the piece with him and the guy lied. He said he got people at NBC fired and almost got him fired. Howard said he called him the devil and satan and almost cost him his job. Howard said he was a liar and he should rot in his grave. He said he's glad he died. Howard said he was a rotten creep. Howard said the guy lied to him. He said he doesn't mind social comment but the guy lied.
Howard played more of the Grodin clip and ended up cutting it off again when Geraldo brought up the Debella thing and how Howard has gone after many people on radio. Howard said that was a bit. He said that is the worst art of humanity but we all have it in us. Howard said the problem is that no one admits to these feelings. Howard said he felt competitive and that's why he did those things.
Robin went off on Geraldo for calling Howard out on those kind of things when he's had the same kind of thoughts and wanted the same thing for his own show that Howard wanted for his.
Howard played more of Grodin's interview and he was asking Geraldo why he goes on Howard's show. Geraldo said that Howard has a huge audience and Howard can be amusing so that's why he goes on. Geraldo said they use each other to promote. Howard said he may say things that are politically incorrect but what's the big deal? Geraldo said he was touched when Howard gave him a copy of his book and said he was his pal. Howard said he felt that's what they were.
Howard played more of the clip and went back and forth with Geraldo about how he's the same as he is. Howard said he wished death on a guy in Chicago after he sent a box of excrement there. Howard said the guy also broke a contract with him and said he wasn't going to pay him. Geraldo said that sending a box of crap in the mail is illegal and he should have pressed charges. Howard spent a few more minutes arguing with Geraldo about the Grodin thing. He gave him some plugs and wrapped up a short time later.
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked about how strange that whole thing with Geraldo was. Howard said Geraldo said he wants to have these gossips on but he's against them at the same time. He said he doesn't get that guy sometimes. Howard said he has no problem with him having gossips on but he has to be honest. Howard said he admits who he is in his book. He said he's not the world's most perfect person. He said he doesn't put up a fake front.
Tommy Chong Comes In. 12/06/04. 7:30am
After the break Howard mentioned tonight's E! show with Anna Benson. He also had Tommy Chong there to talk about going to jail for selling bongs over the internet. He said he can't believe what happened to that guy. He gave him a plug for the Marijuana Logues show that he's starring in at the Actors Playhouse in Manhattan through the 19th of this month. Tommy came in and told Howard that he's the king in jail. Everyone listens to him there. Tommy said that he spent time in a jail that was pretty nice. The prison walls were like chalk lines. Tommy did 9 months in jail for selling bongs on the web. Tommy told Howard how he only had about one bad half hour while he was in jail. They had to handcuff him and bring him through one door. After that he didn't have cuffs on. They also had to make him strip down so they cold strip search him. Tommy said it was kind of cold in that room and he wasn't that big.
Howard told Tommy that he can't believe that he was busted for what he did. Tommy said it wasn't even his business, it was his son's. The day they came to his house to search the place, they told him he wasn't under arrest. He said they found a bunch of money in the house and took that. Luckily he didn't have any weapons in the house, otherwise he'd still be doing time. Tommy said they banged on the door that day and came rushing in wearing helmets and stuff. They charged him with just selling bongs and shipping them across state lines. That's what he got charged with even though they found about a pound of pot in his place. Tommy claims that he doesn't smoke all that much, he never did. He told Howard he had the pound because he grew it himself and would give it away to friends. Tommy was led to believe that he would never go to jail for the whole bong thing. He heard that the worst charge that anyone got for something like that was house arrest. Tommy was ready for house arrest but that's not what he got.
Howard talked to Tommy about the old Cheech and Chong movies and how well they did financially. Tommy said he and Cheech made out pretty well back then. Tommy also told Howard that they weren't making all that much money with the bong business. He said his son would only sell the finest bongs out there and they were actually losing money on the whole thing. Howard thought that a bong was a legitimate thing to sell because people use them for tobacco smoking as well. Tommy said they threatened to charge his wife and son in the whole thing so Tommy took the hit for the whole thing instead. Tommy pointed out the hypocrisy of the whole thing and how busting him for selling bongs isn't going to stop people from using the drug. Howard told Tommy that he doesn't care if people smoke pot as long as they don't get in their cars and kill him. He thinks that all drugs should be legalized. He can't believe that there weren't more outraged celebrities out protesting when Tommy was charged. Tommy says that he could still be charged if he is even around people who have drug paraphernalia.
Tommy said he has a bunch of jail stories to tell Howard. He shared one about his cell mate who was an actor who had some financial problems which led to his sentence. Tommy said he got such an education in there that he couldn't get anywhere else. Tommy said he actually loved the time he spent in prison. He joined up with an Indian group that had a sweat lodge in the prison. Tommy said that the worst part being there was the first day when he was in the dormitory and there were 250 guys eating beans in the cafeteria. He said it was like a symphony. Tommy was able to play guitar and all of the toilets had doors so he didn't have to crap or even shower in front of other guys.
Dominic Barbara called in and said that Tommy could have gotten up to 12 years in prison for doing what he did. He said that his lawyer actually did a good job and got him off easy. Howard let a couple of other callers through to talk about how there are still tons of other web sites doing what Tommy was doing. There are also head shops in his area that sell that stuff every day up in his area.
Tommy said that he had to get a job after getting out of jail so he's working in the Marijuana Logues and it's great because he's doing something he enjoys. You can find out more at PotShow.com. Tommy said that he and Cheech Marin have gotten back together and will be working on some stuff in the future. He said that they're writing a great movie that Howard will like. Tommy also said that Cheech came and visited him while he was in jail. He said that Cheech had to go through a lot to get in there but he eventually made it there. Howard was glad to hear that Tommy and Cheech made up and are back together now. He gave him another plug for the Marijuana Logues and wrapped up the segment a short time later. You can also find Cheech and Chong stuff at CheechAndChong.com.
World's Meanest Listener Contest Finalists Picked. 12/6/02. 6:45am
Howard said he was working until 1:30 yesterday trying to pick out the finalists for the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest. He had a bunch of them to play today so they could get that done so they can do the voting next week. As he was talking about that he had to fart. He got up and ripped a big, nasty fart right into the microphone. Robin said someone needed to get a mop because he had to have messed himself.
Howard said he has 6 people who are definitely in the finals and he needs 4 more. Howard played one from this guy Chris Pellegrini. He did one where he's John Stamos talking to Howard and eventually screwing him. Howard said he's in the finals.
A woman called in and said her entry was better than that one. Howard said there were a lot of unfunny entries and just because you think yours was better doesn't mean it was. Howard said he was going to find her entries and play them to see how funny they really were.
Howard played another one from Mike Davidson who did his roast as Artie's dead father talking about how Dana doesn't really like Artie. Howard was going to play another one but then he decided that it would be funnier to call the people on the air to let them know they're in the finals. Howard got some of the phone numbers and tried dialing one of the finalists. The phone wasn't cooperating with him at first. The first guy he called wasn't in so he called another one of the finalists. Howard surprised Mike Davidson and told him he was one of the finalists. Mike wasn't listening so he had no idea he was a finalist. He didn't even know which one of his entries got into the finals. He said he sent in like 15 entries. Howard spent a short time talking to him and said he figured he'd be more excited. Mike got into it a little more and got more excited. Howard got off the phone with that guy but he said he had to take a break. The woman who called in earlier about how her entry was funnier that the ones Howard was playing, called in again and did her roast live. She roasted Howard and it really wasn't that bad. Howard told her he took a nap during it though. He then said he was just kidding and it was okay. He took a call from Mariann from Brooklyn who wanted to know if any of her entries were in the finals. Howard told her to just wait to find out. Howard had to take a break but he talked about the Star Trek Challenge they were going to do first.
In the clip Gary told Howard they had this Belching Grandma on the phone. Howard picked up and she had some lines where she told Steve Leeds to eat her. She also belched and recited some other lines. Gary said the scary part is that the guy who called in isn't Crazy Jerry. Howard asked if she is really a grandmother. She said she is. She said she has 14 grandchildren and great grandchildren. She said she's doing fine for an old lady. She kept belching while she was talking to Howard.
The guy who called in with the grandmother got on the line and told Howard about her. Howard said just imagine that's your bloodline. Grandma said she wanted to spank Howard at the Christmas Party. Robin asked if she was drinking at all. She said she's not.
Howard asked where she lives. She said she lives in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Howard said that's actually not a great area. Howard said you think it's a good part but it's not. Grandma said it is a good section. She said she's on 10th Avenue. Howard asked what kind of work her husband does. She said he's retired and they just had their 50th anniversary. He was repossessing cars but now he's retired.
Howard asked if that's the best belching she can do. She belched some more and Howard told her he'll have her at the Christmas party.
Fred's First Tattoo. 12/06/06. 7:10am
After the break Howard took a phone call from a guy who asked what Howard was referring to when he said that Fred was ''newly tattooed'' earlier in the morning. Howard said he saw Fred as he was leaving yesterday and saw dirt on his arm. Then he looked over and saw a tattoo on his arm. He said he and Ronnie were the only ones who noticed it. He said that the tattoo is actually very nice, he likes it.
Howard said that it took him a long time to extract the information from Fred so he was going to tell Robin much quicker than Fred would. He said it's a scorpion with some flowers around it and it's all in blue ink. Howard said he really likes the look of it. Fred said that his daughter is a Scorpio so he's going with that to honor his daughter Tess. It's on his right inner forearm.
Fred showed it to Robin so she asked how Howard noticed it. Howard said he has to look at Fred to get some beating off material. Fred said he never thought he was going to get a tattoo but now that he has one, he really likes it. He said it's been in the planning stages since June but it was very tough to get in with the guy he wanted to do it.
Howard said it's an unusual placement for a first tattoo. The caller said that he thought Fred would put it on his tentacle. Fred said he doesn't understand people who get them on their back because you can't see it. Fred said that the guy who did the tattoo is Anil Gupta. It took about 2 hours to get it done and he didn't cry while it was being done.
Fred said that his daughter changed his mind about the tattoo thing. He said he was so moved by her that he just had to get one. Fred said that he would think about getting another one but he's not sure what he would get done. He won't get anything too extreme like a big 3 on his neck (like Cabbie has). He said he didn't bleed a lot either. Howard told him to tattoo Cookie Puss on his arm as his next one. Fred said if he was 20 years old, he might do that.
The caller wanted to tell Howard a quick story. He said he has two cats and when they start the show with kind of gets the cats running. The guy was dragging the story out a little too long so he asked him to hurry it up. He said his cats have become trained to run for the food when the song plays. He said he actually got them to come running back into the house by playing the song.
Howard let the caller go after that nothing story of his. The guy admitted he was a little long winded and apologized for that.
Third Eye Blind Performs Live In The Studio. 12/6/00. 8:50am
The band Third Eye Blind came in to perform a couple of songs for Howard this morning. He spent a couple of minutes talking to them first though. Howard said the first thing they gave him when they came in was a bottle of Yohimbie, which is some kind of over the counter supplement that helps get you aroused. Tony the guitarist is the one who gave Howard the stuff. He says it's like Viagra because it pumps up your penis like a 19 year old. He said it'll make things that are no longer strange to you, strange again.
Howard also spoke to the lead singer, Stephen, who dates actress Charlize Theron. Howard wanted to know what it's like to bang someone like that but Stephen said he doesn't ''bang'' her. He refused to talk about her like she's just a ''piece of ass'' like Howard always says.
Howard let a few of the band's fans come in to watch them perform. Three sisters came in and watched them perform ''Jumper'' which was on their self titled album Third Eye Blind. Howard said the guitars looked semi-acoustic to him. They sounded pretty good. Howard also played their latest release ''1000 Julys'' from their album Blue. Howard then wrapped things up with the band. You can find out more about Third Eye Blind on their web site 3EB.com
Jimmy Pop, The One Day Intern. 12/6/96. 8:20am
There seems to be a weird story behind almost every intern that has worked on the Stern show. This one might be one of the strangest. This college kid applied to become an intern in 4 separate semesters. He was turned down 3 times in a row by Howard's assistant, Kathy. She said that he just seemed like he'd be wrong for the job. The last time he came in for the interview he was accepted. Kathy said that he seemed to have matured after all of that time. His first day comes up and he calls in and tells them that he can't come in because he just got a record deal. Well that record deal worked out great for this guy and now his single is being played all over the country and the video for that song will be shown on MTV starting this Sunday! The One Day Intern, Jimmy Pop, was in the studio to meet Howard today. He's a real ''high energy'' person which could be confused with just being annoying. Or maybe he's just annoying... but he's such a fan of Howard's that he carries around a radio station list with all of Howard's affiliates on it. He knows where he can hear the show all over the country. He also sampled the ''BABA BOOEY'' sound effect from the show and used it in one of his songs. In another song he sings about Howard. Howard played a bit of his current single Fire Water Burn. Jimmy says that his group, Bloodhound Gang, is a ''white rap band''. If you're into alternative music like they play on K-Rock then you'd probably like the song. It's okay but nothing to go nuts over. The song with the Baba Booey reference in it is another one that's just okay. If you want to get this album I believe it's called One Fierce Beer Coaster. Howard said that he liked the song but he may have done that just to piss off Stuttering John. John put an album out a couple of years ago that only sold like 50,000 copies. Howard thought that John might be a little jealous of this guy. John came into the studio and said that he wasn't.
Today's This Date in Howard History was over around 11:50am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:30am.