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Playboy Cyber Club
Howard started the show saying good morning and saying he was done after that. He said he was reading the paper before he came in and he didn't see the Giants game but he did watch the Pittsburgh game. He said his wife is into the Steelers so he watched. Howard said he knew she was watching upstairs and he was watching the Steven Tyler interview with Oprah. He said he was just getting pissed off watching that. He said that Oprah knows so little about rock and Aerosmith. He said that was annoying to him. He said she doesn't understand the whole thing between him and Joe Perry.
Howard said he was on the internet and was reading about Van Halen getting together and playing at Cafe Wah. He said that they were preparing for a tour and some guy recorded some of the tracks on his cell phone but the quality wasn't that good. He said it sounds like the band is good though. Howard said that Eddie's son is doing good with the bass from what he can see. He said he loves Van Halen but it's a really weird dynamic with David Lee Roth. He said you try to read Eddie's face when he's playing. He said you see them staring at each other during a song and you just watch for cracks in the whole presentation. Robin said they may have to wait until they're on the road for a long time and they can't get away from each other.
Howard said David was rambling about a lot of stuff and people just wanted him to shut up and play the song. Howard said he loves watching to see the dynamic there. He said he wants to see Eddie's face when he's looking at David Lee Roth. Howard said Alex sounds as good as ever on drums. He said it's a fantastic dynamic and he'd go just to see that.
Robin said she remembers seeing them go out on their last tour in the early part but as time went on Eddie started not being able to remember what he was playing. Howard said he seemed pretty coherent in this clip he saw. Howard said there's some new Van Halen song that was an old demo that they pulled out. He said he's not sure if anyone cares anymore. He said he does though.
Howard said he was listening to Deep Tracks this weekend and they played a version of the Beatles ''I Am The Walrus'' but it was a heavy metal version. He asked Fred to see if he can find it.
Howard said when you turn on your radio you don't know what song is playing if you turn it on at the wrong time. He said that you can see the previous song that you just missed listed on the screen. He said he heard the last few seconds of it and it sounded pretty good.
Howard said you never see any cool metal bands come in and do anything like that on America's Got Talent. Robin said they are probably main streaming and they don't allow anyone to do that on the show. Howard said they let those shitheads through though. Robin said they need those people to get buzzed off the show.
Howard said he did ask about the new hot chick that's going to be on the show. He said he was curious and they told him. He told Robin to take a guess. Robin didn't want to guess. Howard said he'll just tell her then. Howard said he had Beth guessing but he just told her too. Robin said she wasn't even sure where to go. Howard told her to go to movies and TV. Howard said it turns out there actually is no fourth judge. He said he's the glamorous one. Howard said it was just rumors. Howard said that it was Simon who started that rumor though.
Howard said Simon Cowell had some nice things to say about him. He said that he was at some event talking about how he thinks he'll be a good judge.
Howard said they were asking him to go to some events but he didn't want to do them for the show. He said that he doesn't want to ruin the hype for the show by doing that. Howard said he thought it out and he's not just going to do everything. He said he says no to 90 percent of anything people ask him to do.
Howard said Nick Cannon was supposed to be on the show today but he's still sick so he won't be on. Howard said he needs him to get better because he needs him as the host on America's Got Talent. Howard said he thinks that he's too obsessed with work and that's what's making him sick. Howard said he heard that he gets 2 hours of sleep a night. He said he does his radio show in California for New York so he's got to be on the air at 3 in the morning. He has a sitcom he's on and he's got twins at home with his wife. He said this is a recipe for disaster. Howard said he's not sure why he's in such a rush with a wife like Mariah Carey there for him. Robin said maybe he doesn't want to rely on her money.
Janks said that Jay-Z and Beyonce named their kid ''Blue Iris'' in honor of the late Blue Iris. Robin said it was Blue Ivy, not Iris. Howard said he thought it was Blue Ivy Supersonic. He thanked Janks for the call.
Howard said that Beyonce gave birth at a local hospital and he heard that they were terrible while they were there. He heard they redecorated the hospital and paid $1.3 million to take over a whole wing there. He said he heard that some people were inconvenienced while they were carrying on with security and things. Howard said this guy had relatives come in to see their kid and they weren't able to get in because of the security. Howard said the guy said it was just wrong. Howard said he was thinking about when he had his kids and Bobo and Dominic came up and got on to the floor. He said it was kind of unsettling to him. He said he was thinking that Jay-Z might have been right to do that.
Howard said he's thinking that you have to embrace the situation and if you are nervous then you put maybe a security guy in the room with the kid. Howard said you can make arrangements. He's not sure if people were complaining just because they can complain. Robin said if they were redecorating and re paining then maybe. Howard said you don't know if that's true or not.
Robin said she worked at hospitals and they did have VIP areas. She said that's where you go. You don't take over a whole wing.
Robin and Howard were talking about John Elway hanging out on the sidelines and how weird that appeared. Howard asked Gary if he saw the game. Gary said he was all over it. Howard said it was a great game.
Howard said Pittsburgh was in field goal range and it was almost like they wanted to lose. He said that the fans love that Terrible Towel thing. He said Beth got her's and was waving it at the TV. He said they immediately scored when she did that. Howard said he told Beth she caused the touchdown. Then they went upstairs and Beth put the towel down and Bianca laid on it. Then they started to lose. Howard said he thinks that towel works. Howard said he saw that Denver had some kind of towel and he felt that it was a rip off. Gary said he thinks it might be.
Gary said there are people who believe that Pittsburgh loses because they did something wrong. Howard said he saw it work when Beth was waving that towel. Howard said the dog was laying on it so that might be why they lost. Howard said Beth wasn't thinking. He said that she got caught up in the game.
Howard said he heard that Giants fans were waving towels too. Gary said everyone usually has something but the Steelers started the whole Terrible Towel thing.
Howard asked if Jon Hein broke anything this year. Gary said he didn't think he did. Jon came in and said he didn't break anything but he is upset that they lost. Jon said he's so sick of this Tebow thing too.
Howard said he wants to know if the guy has ever gotten a blow job. Gary said it sounds like he hasn't even done that.
Howard asked Jon why he's such a big fan of Pittsburgh. Jon said he lived there for a while so he became a fan. Howard said he's lived in New York for such a long time though. Jon said he was there until 5th grade and that's when he became a fan. Howard said he doesn't get it.
Robin said that her parents were so poor that they would set traps for birds so they could eat them. Howard said he seems to have lived through the depression, the holocaust and the Civil War. Howard said they told so many stories. They'd tell them right before bedtime too. He said they went on through dinner and it was constant. He said if he complained about something the stories would come right out. Robin said she had to drag the stories out of her parents.
Howard said his parents would talk about everything over and over again. Howard did more of his parents impressions and told some of those goofy stories. Howard said his mom would tell stories and tell him if the doctors got a hold of him then it was the end. She'd tell him that they were ghouls. He said her mother went in and no one told them what she died of. Howard said they told her it was a heart attack but she was a young woman. Howard said poor people didn't get an autopsy back then. He said his mother didn't know what killed her.
Howard said that's actually the happiest part of the story. Then she tells him that he was named after his great grandfather who she says was a terrible man. Howard said she told him about how he lived in Germany and came to America and married a new woman there. He left his wife and kids behind to be killed by the Germans. Howard said his mom told him that he was nice to her so that's why she named him after him. Howard said he shit his pants when he heard these stories.
Howard told more stories his mother would tell. Howard said these were horror stories. He said his mother says she's not sure how she became such a great mother. Howard said she thinks she was a terrific mother. Howard said she tells him he was lucky to have her.
Howard said there were good times too though. He said you have no idea when the fun would start. He said that's when they'd go to the recording studio where his dad would scream at him and call him a moron. He said there's no reason to play that though. They ended up playing the clips of his father asking him political questions when he was like 6 or 7 years old. Then his father would correct him about what he had given as an answer.
Howard said his dad used to watch all of those political shows and he was so proud he knew all of this. Howard said he thinks he was about 6 or 7 and they sounded appropriate for a kid that age. He said that was a lot of fun. Howard said he thinks his dad thought he was being retarded. Howard said that was his relationship with his father back then. He would read the paper and expect him to know it too. Howard said that was so much fun and if he could just go back and live that life again.
Howard said he couldn't want to get the hell out of that house. Robin said she couldn't wait either. She said she was planning as soon as she was born. Howard said he used to carve marks in furniture to mark the number of days he had left. He said he'd gnaw on the wood in his room. He said his mother would ask him what he was doing eating the furniture.
Howard said he'd go to school after that and get into fights. He said he's have garbage cans thrown at him in the locker room. Howard said the world is a fun place.
Howard said if this band came on America's Got Talent they'd win immediately. Howard said they're not like the Kinetic Kings. Gary said he liked the song. He told Howard there are a couple of other versions of the song that JD found. Howard said he doesn't want those songs.
Howard said he'd like to know why there are no bands on that show. Robin said those shows don't last. She said they did try those kind of shows. Gary said maybe they can't have a mix of that kind of stuff on that show.
Howard said he has to get it together and get new clothes for the show. He said he wrote Ralph a note about that. He said he has a guy who makes him his suits so he's trying to get that sorted out. He said he's trying to lose weight but he gets sick when he does that. Howard said his gunt prevents him from closing up his suit. He said he's going to have about 10 suits and he'll rotate through them. He will go with the suit look with no tie.
Howard said he was thinking about dressing up as a fireman since people love firemen so much. He said that he'd tell Nick Cannon that he was doing it so he wouldn't have to worry about his wardrobe and people love them already. Howard said he wishes he didn't have to worry about a wardrobe. He said if they had uniforms it would be great.
Howard said he could dress up as a cop, an umpire or anyone who has a uniform. He said that some people like that. He said he'd look neat and tailored. Howard said he could dress up as a SCUBA diver one week too. He said he really doesn't want to make it about him though. Robin said he'd remind everyone of Prince Poppycock. Howard said he could wear a knights uniform and open up the mask when he has to talk. He did an impression of what that would sound like.
Howard said he could make the show all about him and make it funny but he's just going to be a judge. He said he's not going to walk down the aisle as the tin man. Fred played some squeaky metal sounds as Howard was talking through his mask. He said every week could be like Halloween there.
Howard said he wants to lose 6 pounds but he went up a few pounds last week. Howard said he was doing pretty good on his diet but then he went out to eat on Saturday night with the Lauers. He said that he's trying to find out if Matt Lauer is leaving the Today show. Robin asked if he's really short. Howard said he's really not. Howard said he's actually pretty tall. He said that he likes hanging out with tall guys because short people make him look like a complete gawk.
Howard said he was out to eat and they brought fried food out and he had to eat. He said he had a Dover Soul and that was fried. He said he had a crab cake too. He said Beth had French fries and he ate some of those. Then he had some fried oysters and then dessert. Howard said that's his diet out the window. Howard said he has to lose some weight for TV.
Howard said his game plan is to get a bunch of suits. He said he'll just pop one of those on and get to judging. He said that will be his thing. He's not sure what kind of suits he's going to get but they'll be conservative. Howard said he won't get a big zoot suit or anything like that.
Howard said if Beth turned out to be racist he'd have to leave her. Robin asked if she would leave him. Howard said he thinks she would. Howard said that would mean they didn't know each other very well.
Howard said he was once talking to a guy who got weird with race. He said that the guy was talking about how this friend was stuck around black babies and got all racial with the discussion. Howard said he just stopped hanging out with the guy. He said he didn't confront him or anything. Howard said they have no idea what they did wrong. Howard jokingly said he just told a few black jokes and left.
Howard said if Beth ended up being racist he'd have to leave. He said that's why marriage vows are so weird. He said you don't say ''until death do us part'' because you never know what's going to come up.
Robin said that she was reading about this family that died after they caught the house on fire when they took the embers out of the fireplace and put them outside so Santa could come down the chimney. Robin said she thinks that might end a relationship. The boyfriend made it out but the grandparents and kids didn't.
Howard said they won't be talking to Nick Cannon today since he's still sick. He said he had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and thanked Fred for playing that. He said that David Lee Roth plays acoustic guitar during that song. He said he saw him doing that during the Cafe Wah performance. Howard said he wouldn't play guitar standing next to Eddie Van Halen. Howard said he's not sure if he plays on the album version but Fred said he thinks he is.
Howard wondered if you play your guitar and lay it down and then sing over it. Fred said you can. Howard said maybe Dave played it live as he was recording the song. Fred said that was back in 1978 so he probably did. He said they were so tight back then that they probably could do it too.
Howard said the band looked good on stage and they looked like they were all happy. He said he can't wait until a month from now when they're beating the shit out of each other.
Howard said Steven Tyler was talking to Oprah about how no one came to visit him in the hospital when he was there not too long ago. That band can't get along either.
Howard had Lisa G come in with her news preview. She had her hair blown out today. Howard figured she got it done on Saturday and she hasn't washed it since then. Howard said he would learn how to blow out his own hair if he was her. He said it's disgusting that she doesn't wash it. Howard said there are women whose heads just start to stink. Lisa said you have to get it blown out again. Howard said you should wash your hair every day. Howard said if you wash your hands every day then you should wash your hair every day. Howard asked why she doesn't just let it get curly. Lisa said it's not curly, it just gets frizzy. She said she'll let it get to where it is naturally. Lisa said she wants it silky smooth.
Howard said a lot of women don't do anything to make their head sweat so they don't have to wash it. Lisa said she has a dry scalp anyway. She offered to let him smell it. Howard said no thanks.
Lisa asked what's going to happen at AGT when he gets his hair done for that. Howard said he thinks he'll have Toni come with him. He said Ralph can just pick out his clothes. He said that he doesn't want to bring a whole posse with him there. He said his agent is going to come with him the first few times to make sure no one fucks with him though.
Howard said he was reading about how Simon Cowell has a double decker trailer on the set of his show. He said he got a note from a guy saying that he could get him one too but that's not what he wants. Howard said he just wants a small room to stay in to rest.
Howard said Beth is going with him to California when he does the first shoot for America's Got Talent. Howard said he has the schedule now. Howard said they've started the process already but they will have a couple of open dates. He won't be at all of these though. He mentioned a few and said you can find out more at AGTAuditions.com
Howard said they screen all of the videos they get on the web site. Howard said he saw a picture of him with Howie and Sharon and it's horribly Photoshopped. He said the picture of him is really bad too. He said that some of the pages have pictures of Piers but then they must have Photoshopped him into the pictures. Howard said he didn't send any pictures to them and he didn't do a photo shoot. Howard said he should send something to them but it seems like too much effort.
Howard saw one of the pictures of himself with the judges. He said that it's very Photoshopped looking. He said that Howie never called him either. He said Gary asked for his information. Gary said he gave it to him. Lisa said she spoke to Howie last week and he's really looking forward to this whole thing.
Howard said he took a test to find out what kind of judge he is and he found out he's like Howie. He said he's not sure what kind of judge he's really going to be. He said he's never done this before. Robin said he thinks he wants to be tough but she's not sure if he has it in him. Howard said he may end up being like Ellen Degeneres. Howard said he might.
Howard said it looks funny for him to be on a network TV show web site. He said that he's glad he didn't have to do anything for those photos though.
Robin wondered who is going to do the voice overs for him in Japan and places like that. Robin said she once saw an Artie movie in Spanish and it was very funny to see him speaking in Spanish.
Howard said he was talking to someone about auditioning for the show last year. He said that this woman asked if she could get on. He said he told her she needs a gimmick and maybe she should go on topless. Howard said he doesn't think she got on because she didn't do that. Howard said they could blank it out of she did that. Howard said guys do pull their pants down on the show. Robin said someone did that on the X-Factor and Paula threw up after that.
Lisa said she can't wait. This is very exciting for her. Howard said she should get her hair blown out for that.
Lisa told Howard that Howie told her that the hardest part of the show is going to watch people's lives being shattered when you let them down. Howard said he's just going to be honest and say that they're not that good. Robin asked if he's going to ask people to just leave when they refuse to leave. Howard said he will. Howard said he's thinking about having a catch phrase of something like ''The Tribe has spoken.'' Robin said that's being used already.
Lisa said they were on the red carpet for Portlandia recently and they spoke to Lorne Michaels who welcomed Howard to the NBC family and he's always welcome to host the show. Howard said he's not looking to do that but he knew he had an open invitation. Howard said that Charles Barkley was pretty funny on the show this weekend.
Howard said he's not going to do the show. He likes Lorne Michael and what he's done. He said that's one of the longest running shows in TV history. He said it's remarkable. Howard said he doesn't think it's for him. He said he's so concerned with what he says and he's not sure he could interpret some of those sketches. He said he thinks he'd be good at it but it seems like something he should steer clear of. He said that Kristin Wiig is really exciting. Lisa said they wouldn't let her stop for her at the red carpet but she did tell her to tell Howard she loves him.
Howard said Kristin is so talented and sexy. He said that she did a Michelle Bachman impression that was so good. Robin said she saw her doing a Gwen Stefani impression that was great too. Howard said he'd fuck her so hard.
Howard said Lisa has named herself Hot Violinist of the week on Twitter. Lisa said she did and she held her violin case in front of her naked body.
Howard asked Lisa what she has in her news. Lisa told Howard she spoke to some of the women from ''Mob Wives.'' She ran down some of that real quick and that was it for her news preview. They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that the boys called Tradio again. Howard said that show is a throwback to old radio. He said Ryan Seacrest does that weird radio voice too. Howard said the boys called this guy over the weekend and he has a weird delivery too. He said he's very professional.
Howard played the call and the guy takes a call from Richard who said he had some cane poles for sale. He said his phone is disconnected but he has email. He gave out the email address ILovePenis@yahoo.com. The host said ''That'll work for us...'' Howard said he's convinced that they don't listen to what people are saying. He spelled it out twice and the guy didn't notice. He said he's such a robot that he doesn't notice anything.
Howard played more of the prank call and the host takes a call from Sal who asked what's going on with that email address because it was foul language. The host didn't know what he was talking about. The host apologized but Sal kept going asking what they were doing there. The host had to cut him off.
Howard said that guy got completely freaked out after Sal mentioned it but he didn't do anything about it the two times Richard spelled it. Howard said he's going to try and do a whole show with that Tradio guy's voice.
Howard said that a bunch of these clips are coming out now and this is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. He said becoming an almost front runner is the worst.
Howard played another clip of Santorum trying to explain why gay people shouldn't get married. Santorum was at a debate or something and he was rambling on about how if we let anyone marry anyone else then people are going to marry multiple people. Howard said this guy is an idiot. Howard said he thinks that he's had gay thoughts. He said that he has to be too concerned with gay people if he's this upset. Howard said that he never thinks about gay people and that's why he's all for them marrying.
Howard played more of the clip and said that the whole argument was retarded. Howard said he's arguing about multiple people marrying the same person but that's not what the question was. The question was about gay marriage.
Gary said no one seems to care about this and people are more worried about getting back to work. Howard said if he was a candidate he'd tell them to forget about that and get to the really important stuff. Howard said that Newt Gingrich is another one. He didn't' even want to be a front runner. He just wants to sell books.
Howard said you can't go on the internet without finding Rick Santorum clips. He had another one of him talking about gays in the military. Robin said JD had new glasses and he looks very intelligent. He also looks kind of Chinese. Howard said it looks like he got a new hair cut. JD said he didn't actually. He said he did shave though. Howard said he looks like he's got more chins now. He said he looks like he's gained weight.
Howard said he sees that Seth Rogen is there. He said he guesses they'll be talking about weed today. Howard played more of the Rick Santorum clips and said he should take another break since Seth is there. Fred played Seth's laugh.
Howard asked what happened to that show ''Being Human.'' Robin said she thinks it comes back on the 15th or something. Howard said Fringe hasn't been on either. Robin said it's still on the line up. Howard said it was on and now it's not on. Robin said they stopped it for the holidays. Jon Hein came in and said that it starts up again on Friday. He said all of the shows will be coming back this week.
Howard said CBS morning news is trying to turn things around. He said they hired Gayle King and Charlie Rose with some other people. He said he saw the promos for the show and they have some hot chick on too. He said it reminds him of Weekend at Bernie's. He said that if they had a dead guy on the show it would be perfect. Robin said Charlie never looks awake. Howard said they're going to drag him around and have Gayle work his mouth and it'll be awesome. Robin said they're starting today. She said she wants to see what they're doing. Howard said they'll get to Seth Rogen after the break. He said he's out promoting the DVD release of ''50/50.'' They went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and had the guys bring in Seth Rogen. Howard said he had a bunch of stuff to talk to him about. Howard said he's doing good with his weight. Seth said he's doing pretty good. Robin asked if they're doing a sequel to Green Hornet. Seth said he won't be doing that. He said he can't do another PG-13 movie.
Robin said that she saw him in Adam Sandler's movie ''Funny People'' and she loved it. Howard said he thought Adam was at his wedding. Seth said he wasn't but someone who looks like him may have been. Howard said he thought Jack Black was there too. Howard said it appears none of the people on this list was there.
Howard said Seth married his girlfriend and they say that Jonah Hill was there. Paul Rudd was there too. Howard asked if Sandler was invited. Seth said that he didn't invite him. Howard said you assume that they become buddies but you don't make friends with everyone you work with. Seth said they did get along just fine on the set. He said that he wanted to be the most famous person at his wedding too so that's another reason.
Howard asked Seth if he smoked weed before he went on the Today show. Seth said he can't say for sure but he may have done that. He said he stopped keeping track of it a long time ago. Seth said that drinking coffee is like a counter acting of the weed. Robin said that must be like a speedball to him. Seth said they do this cold brew of coffee and it's crazy strong. He said that he thought he had something wrong with him when he drank a cup of that cold brew stuff.
Howard asked Seth about going on the Today show and what they do there. Seth said they drink the whole show and they get fucked up doing it. Howard wondered if Kathie Lee is an alcoholic or something. Robin said she did name her pets after wines. Howard asked if they do that every day. Seth said they do. He said it started as a Friday thing but now they do it every day. Then they tried not drinking one day week and they couldn't even do that.
Howard asked if he told Kathie Lee that he was stoned. Seth said she wasn't there that day and he was co-hosting with Hoda. He said that he had a beer at 10 in the morning and he did have a buzz going. He said he was fucked up during the Andy Cohen segment. Seth said he didn't know what to do and he didn't know how much to mock the whole thing. He said he didn't want to lose the guest.
Howard asked if he gets gabby when he's high or does he clam up. Howard asked if he was high now. Seth said he might be. Howard said he figured he'd come in there sober. Seth said he has to be high for just about everything. The one guy he doesn't get high for is Letterman. He said that Dave makes him nervous. Seth said he remembers seeing Dave when he was a kid and he thought he was hilarious so he gets nervous going on his show. He said he's afraid of Dave goofing on him. He said he really wants him to like him. He said that's what he's going for when he's on the show.
Howard said it's like that for a lot of guys. He said that Dave is like anyone else though. He's fucking interns and stuff over there. Seth said that you could always get a sense of people Dave didn't like on the show and that's what he didn't want.
Howard said that Dave would judge him on some of the material he would do on the show. He said that he told them over there that if he was going to turn on him then he wasn't going to do the show anymore. Seth said he gets that. He said that he's glad that Dave likes him.
Seth said that he thinks that Dave asked him about weed the whole show. He said he was serious about it too and he thinks that he must listen to Howard's show a lot. Howard said one of the guests Dave had on his show that he never had on before was Richard Simmons. Howard said he thinks that Dave did the same thing for Richard that he did and that led to Richard not coming on his show anymore. He said he lost a guest because of that.
Howard said there's this guy Steve Porter who took voices from the show and made a video. He said they took Will the Farter too and mashed it up with Seth and Maria Menounos' laugh too. Howard played the song and it had Seth laughing and saying ''fuck'' a lot. He had his laugh in there and Maria's laugh too. He edited Seth to say a bunch of different things too.
After playing the song Howard said he thinks they have a hit song. Seth said he has a theme song now. He said they should play that in every interview he does. Seth said it was impressive. Howard asked if he likes his own laugh. Seth said he has to. He said he's forced to endure it.
Howard asked about James Franco and if he likes him. Seth said he's making another movie with him. He was on Freaks and Geeks with him and in Pineapple Express with him. Howard said Seth was kind of vocal about him on the Academy Awards. Seth said that he says so much shit and they pick up on one thing he says about James Franco. He said he said it just once. Howard said that James hosted the show with Anne Hathaway and they came off horribly. Seth said it was so strange that they got blamed for the whole thing. Howard said Seth thought that they shouldn't have given him a monologue. Howard asked why he didn't write some stuff for him. Seth said they didn't ask him to. He said maybe they should have asked them to do that for them and the could have had something there.
Howard said James isn't known for comedy. Seth said he is funny but he's not a comedy writer. Seth said they could have written something for him. He said by the time they figured it out it was already a runaway train. He said he thinks they went halfway with what they did with them. He said he thinks they wanted a more conservative show and that's what they went with.
Howard asked Seth if he called James and gave him some consolation. Seth said they did talk about it. Howard asked if he was honest about the whole thing. Seth said he was in communication with him the whole time and he saw a bad thing coming before it even happened. Seth said that's how he knew it was a runaway train. Howard asked if James knew it was going to be a disaster. Seth said James was saying he was hoping it would come together and kept saying that. It never came together.
Howard asked if James came to his wedding. Seth said James had other things going on in his life and he wasn't able to make it. Howard asked what he got him for a gift. Seth said they didn't ask for gifts. He said they asked for charitable donations instead. Howard said he likes that. They did the same thing with their wedding.
Robin said that she gave them a gift and never even got a thank-you. Howard asked what it was. Robin said it was a huge bottle of champagne with their names engraved on it. Howard said he didn't know who got it for them for about a year. Robin said she never got a thank-you for that. Howard thanked her today.
Howard asked how much people gave to charity. Seth said he doesn't know but he has a list somewhere. He said he gives to an Alzheimer's charity.
Howard said Seth is hosting a Hilarity for Charity event at Vibiana in Los Angeles later this week. Howard asked Seth how long he's in town. Seth is in until Thursday. Howard asked Seth about the event and if that's his event. Seth said that it is but he's not the only one there. He said that they have a bunch of guys performing there. Seth said he wrote the show as if he's god so he just does the voice and he interacts with some of the other guys there. He said he won't be seen on stage.
Howard said you can find out more about the show at Alz.org/hilarityforcharity.
Howard asked Seth about his mother-in-law having Alzheimer's. Seth said it's really depressing and scary. He said that she's pretty far gone. Howard asked how much longer she has. Seth said he's not sure. Howard asked if he ever pranks her at home or anything. He said she still lives with her husband down in Florida. He said he doesn't prank her though.
Howard asked Seth if he's going to have kids now that he's married. Seth said they don't want them anytime soon. He said they do talk about it though. Howard asked if things have changed since they got married. Seth said ''not really.'' He said she seems happier now that they're married because she doesn't get pissed that they're not married.
Howard said Seth has talked about how much he beats off. Seth said that he could have sex 5 times a day and still want to beat off. Howard said he forgets that he's only 29. Howard said he had sex with his wife and like two days later he thought about beating off. He said he had a hard on and he started pulling on his piece of taffy and figured ''why bother'' and stopped. He said he saw his gunt and just stopped. He said he gave up. Howard said he would beat off twice a day in the past but now he just gives up.
Seth said he has had disappointing sessions where he jerks off and it wasn't really worth it. He said he didn't have that in the past. Howard asked if he watches stuff on YouPorn. Seth said he does that and goes to RedTube and PornHub. Howard said it does change over the years. He said he doesn't beat off that much anymore. Seth said that's weird. He said sex with Beth is still great though. Seth said that beating off and sex are two different things. He said they're two different journey's.
Howard said he was in therapy one day and he was asked how much sex he really needs. He said that made him think and he realized he doesn't' need that much. He said that freed him up from thinking about it so much.
Howard asked Seth if he beats off while his wife is in bed next to him. Seth said he's only done that once or twice. He said she knows he jerks off but doesn't know when. Howard said he beat off in front of Beth once. He said she liked it but he thinks that he's pretty gross. Seth said he wouldn't want to see the look on his face as he's doing it. He said he must have those dead, beat off eyes. Howard asked if his wife does it. Seth said he doesn't know but who cares if she does?
Howard asked Seth about his wife getting a movie made. Seth said it got made and made it into Sundance. He said it's called ''For a Good Time Call...''
Howard asked if they run things by each other while they're writing. Seth said they do. Howard said that must be kind of cool and romantic in a way. Seth said it is kind of like that. Howard asked if they've stolen stuff from each other for their own movies. Seth said they have kind of had that happen.
Howard asked if the movie his wife made is good. Seth said it's really funny and they made it really cheap which is more impressive.
,Howard asked how big the wedding was. Seth said they had about 250 people there. He said he didn't drink much that day but he did try not to smoke weed. He said he started to get anxiety. He said he didn't smoke any until after the wedding. He said the whole thing was a big deal. Seth said that he started to have flop sweat when he did try smoking it that day. He said it was the first time weed failed him.
Howard asked Seth if he was smoking with everyone there. Seth said there were about 100 people smoking weed there. Howard asked if his parents care about that. Seth said he was at a party when he was younger and his mother would come to the shows. He said that his mother went to a show when he was 15 and he smoked in front of her. He said that it was so weird that he never did it again. He said the wedding was probably the first time since then that he did it in front of them.
Seth said this has been on their parents radar for a long time because they did catch him with an ounce of mushrooms when he was 12. He said his parents have asked him not to talk about weed in every interview he does.
Howard said Seth seems like such a regular guy. He said Gary asked him what he was doing in town and he's going to the comic book store and then to Toy Tokyo. He asked what kind of comics he reads. Seth said he reads all kinds of comics. He said he follows writers more than the characters. Howard said part of his problem is that he doesn't keep up with them. He said he reads the compilations but buying individual copies is hard. Seth said you can go back and catch up if you missed anything. He said he'll try to grab the entire series.
Howard asked if the guys at the comic book store bother him. Seth said most don't bother you. Seth said that he had a kid come up to him once and showed him two books he was buying. One of them was the encyclopedia of marijuana. He said he told the kid he was on the right track. Howard said it's quite charming that he goes to the comic book stores like that. Seth said he likes to have the actual thing in his hand.
Howard asked what this Toy Tokyo store is. Seth said there are artists who make these toys that he collects and he gets them there. He said he has them around the house and in his office. He said it's kind of a battle to where he can put them in the house though. Howard asked if he plays with them. Seth said he doesn't. He said it's more like pop art to him. Howard asked if he ever smokes the toys. Seth laughed.
Howard asked which guy he really is. Seth said he doesn't go out to clubs and stuff. He said his writing partner, Evan, is into comics too. He said that his wife was kind of into it too. He said that it wasn't that popular when they met so he was kind of ahead of the curve.
Howard asked Seth if he got a pre-nup. Seth said he didn't. Howard said he has one. Seth said he didn't think about it to be honest. Howard said this is a guy who plays with toys. He doesn't want that kind of pressure. Seth said he doesn't like thinking about that stuff. Howard said he must just want to think about his toys and stuff. Seth said it seems kind of bleak and pessimistic to go into a marriage thinking about that stuff. He said it's going to be painful either way. He said you might as well leave the happy shit happy and the miserable stuff miserable.
Howard said Seth is still in his 20s and life is too long. He asked what he'll do if his wife gets fat. Seth said he'll pay her off and move on. He said he won't look like an asshole because he won't have a pre-nup.
Howard gave Seth another plug for the comedy show. He mentioned you can find it on Twitter @Hilar4Charity. Seth asked if he's on twitter. Howard said he is but it's constant harassment. Howard said he once did this thing where he tweeted out when his movie ''Private Parts'' was airing. He said people loved it. He said on New Year's Eve he drunk dialed and called 60-70 people and that was fun. He may do that yearly. He said it was a Twitter first and he's getting praise for that now. Howard said he has a love hate thing for Twitter.
Howard checked out some of Seth's tweets. He read one where he said he once peed in a Snapple bottle while in his car in Tom Cruise's driveway. Howard asked why he was in Tom's driveway. Seth said years ago he was viewed as a psychopath and Tom was aligning himself with comedians. He said that he started meeting with people like him and Judd Apatow to kind of get the sense of the comedic landscape. He had a couple of meetings there at his house.
Seth said the whole thing was really weird and it was at the height of when his kid was born and no one had seen any pictures so they weren't sure if there was a kid. Howard said there was a lot going on with him back then. Howard asked if he's so calculated that he wanted to hang out with him to figure out how to hang with young people. Seth said he thought he wanted to do something funny and he was meeting with them to figure out how to do it. Seth said Judd was more into hanging out with him than he was. Seth said he told Judd that they weren't the only ones in town and he was probably meeting with other guys. He said Judd thought that Tom actually liked them.
Howard asked if he's peed in other celebrity driveways. Seth said he has a long list. Howard asked how he does it. Howard said he's done it and he gets on his knees to do it. Seth said he thinks he did it sideways and stuffed it in there. Howard said it would be funny if he peed on his pants. Seth said he was on the Simpson's once and he was parked in his car with 3 hours to kill. He said that Dan Castellaneta knocked on his window while he was smoking weed in the car. He said he was very embarrassed by that.
Howard said he hates peeing in a bottle but he had to do it once. He said he was afraid of peeing on his pants and it's a whole tortured thing.
Howard asked if he shook Tom's hand after peeing. Seth said he probably did. Howard said that's why he won't shake people's hands. Seth said that's probably a good idea.
Howard read that Seth tweeted that he crashed into Jonah Hill's car at a party and he still hasn't paid to get it fixed. He also wrote about how he was at a party on shrooms and Wolf Blitzer was there.
Howard asked what he's working on now. Seth said he's working on a movie with Evan that they want to direct next year. He said it's about the apocalypse. Howard said he shot a couple of scenes high in his movie. He said that he tried to do it and it sucked. He said he can't handle it like Seth can. He said he can't have any fun. Seth told him to just keep trying. Howard said he wants to jump out a window when he's high.
Howard asked Seth more about the movie. Seth said they're negotiating with Sony right now. He said they have to bring the price down for Sony. Seth said the script is compete and ready to go. He said they want to make the movie for a certain amount and Sony wants to give them about a million less. Howard said that doesn't sound that far off. Howard asked if their salary is part of that negotiation. He said it's really not. He said that most of the actors wouldn't be taking that much in this one. He said he'd take a salary but right now that's not the issue being negotiated. Howard asked if he thinks the movie should pay off if it's a big hit. Seth said that's what he's hoping for. Seth said that producing movies is where the big money is. He said it's a very vague thing but that's where the money is. He said that person gets the most money if the movie does well. Howard asked why the other actors would do it if they're not getting paid. Seth said it's because they're his friends.
Howard said that it sounds like Seth is going to have a good day today. Seth is going shopping and maybe he'll beat off. Seth said his wife is with him today but he may beat off. He warned fans that if they shake his hand today he probably beat off. Howard gave Seth some more plugs and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said he likes when bands make fun of other bands. He said that Black Keys think that Nickleback is ruining rock single handedly. Howard said that they say that they say that people are okay with Nickleback being the biggest rock band in the world and they get used to thinking that rock is shit. Howard said he likes reading that stuff.
Howard said he got an email from someone who asked how Superman cuts his own hair. Howard said he has to do it with his head vision in his mirror. He does that with his toe nails and finger nails too. Howard said this guy asked if he can have surgery. Howard said he doesn't need it because he's Superman. Howard said they have an explanation for all of that.
Howard said there's a couple sitting in the studio. They gave money to the Long Island Bulldog rescue. Howard said they're great people over there. Howard said that this woman is a very good looking woman. Howard said the guy must have a lot of money. Howard asked if she's the first wife. She is. Howard asked Robin if the guy looks like he could get her. Robin said ''Uh, no.'' Howard said he's not sure how he did it. The guy said he must be charming. Howard asked the wife is he had problems getting men before him. She said she didn't but they got engaged early on in college. She said she had a few before him. She said it was only 3. Howard asked if she thinks she got married too young. She said she has thought about that a few times. Howard asked the wife what she does. She does interior design and home staging.
Howard said he's a proponent of not breeding bulldogs anymore. They agreed. They said that they do love the dogs but they're all for not breeding them.
Howard asked the guy how often they have sex. They didn't get very specific. Fred said that this woman is Debra Messing hot and the guy is like Curly from the Three Stooges. Howard said this woman is really good looking. The guy is in the real estate business now. He used to be a lawyer.
Howard asked if he was a divorce lawyer. He said he wasn't but he knows how that works. He said they spend a ton of time on the case and then settle.
Howard said that this was Jeff and Ivy Levion. He thanked them for donating to the charity. They talked about how great Beth is.
Jeff told Howard how his son gave all of his money from his Bar Mitzvah to the charity. Howard realized who they were after that. He remembered that story. Howard said they can stay as long as they want today. He said they can stay even after they leave if they want. Howard said he's impressed. He doesn't think that he can handle her. Robin asked how long they've been married. Ivy said it's 20 years now.
Howard asked if she was the first hot chick that he got. Jeff said he was good with the ladies. He said that was 25 years ago though. Howard asked if other women hit on him behind her back. Ivy said they didn't do that. Howard said if she wants to put on a bikini today they're fine with that.
Jon finished up his rundown and Howard mentioned that Russell Brand may get $20 million out of his marriage. Robin said that's horrible and he shouldn't take it. Howard said he will take it. People tend to take what they can get.
Fred played Robin into her news with a song parody by Dan the Song Parody Man. Howard let that play longer than most song parodies. Howard said he'd cut it off and give Robin a break. Robin said that she was talking to Tom Chiusano recently and he told her that she has a filthy mouth. She realized that he's hearing those clips that Fred plays and people put in the song parodies.
Robin started her news with a story about Steven Hawking making a speech and talking about how he ended up the way he did. He didn't start out that way. Robin said he's 70 years old now. Robin said it's a motor neuron disease but she's not sure exactly what it's called.
Robin read about Michael Jordan's son leaving a basketball program at his school. Robin said that his brother Marcus is still doing well though. Robin said that both of his kids are trying basketball at least. Howard said he'd try a different sport.
Robin read about Papa John's pizza apologizing to a customer who was refereed to as ''Lady Chinky Eyes'' on her receipt. Robin said they fired that employee who wrote that down. Howard asked if Jackie the Joke Man is his writer. Gary came in and told Howard that they got a hold of the manager who tried to explain it. He said they do it to describe the customer by how they look and that's why they wrote it like that.
Robin read about how the British Parliament is trying to come up with drinking guidelines and advising citizens to cut back. Howard said he has to cut back so he can fit into a suit. Howard said he may have a glass of wine with dinner on the weekends and that's it. He said he drinks Perrier with cranberry in it before dinner. He said that's what Beth is doing too. She's starting taping her ''Mom Caves'' show today so that's why she wants to be in shape. Howard said he can feel his belly over his pants so he knows it's time to lose weight.
Robin read a story about a woman who allegedly cut off her husband's penis. Robin said that they had an argument in July and he tied him up in bed and then cut his penis off and threw it in a garbage disposal. Howard said that's so last decade. Robin said she could get life in prison with no possibility of parole. Howard went to break after that.
After the break, around 9:45am, Howard came right back and said that Tim Tebow seems to be like a guy running for president. He said that he says everything just right. He played some audio of him thanking Jesus for helping them win. Howard said he can't mention god enough. He thanked God for giving him this platform to speak and all of that stuff. Howard said he thinks that Jesus should be helping the girl who had 73 surgeries and not football. Howard let the clip play and he kept thanking Jesus over and over in just about every answer he gave.
Howard asked Robin if she thinks that he's never gotten laid. Robin said that he claims to be a virgin. Howard said maybe that's why he's so focused. Robin said that Ben Rothlesberger is doing fine and he's busy with women all the time. Gary said that Tebow went to school in Florida and they have the hottest chicks in the world running around down there. Howard said when someone like that is a virgin then he must have some issues. Howard said his mind goes right to ''gay.'' He said that even if he's gay then you'd think he'd want to go there too. Gary said he has a picture of his girlfriend and he can decide from that. Howard said that's different then. Gary brought in the picture of the girl who was supposedly his girlfriend in college. Howard said she's like a super woman. Howard said she's built for sex. Gary said he was in the car last week and it reminded him of Donny Osmond. He said that Donny never wanted to insult his wife by asking for one. He said it reminded him of that.
Robin read a story about a guy who got a tattoo on his penis and ended up with a permanent erection. Robin said he got the traditional tattoo with needles put in and he got this permanent erection. Howard said he hung out at a tattoo place and they told him a story about a guy who got a tattoo on his penis and then over dosed on heroin the next week. Howard said it's like the most painful thing to get a tattoo there.
Robin read about Corey Feldman writing a new book. Robin said that he's going to name a couple of pedophiles that abused him as a child. Howard said that sounds good. Howard said he's hoping it's someone like Jay Leno that he names.
Robin read about Tiger Woods' ex-wife knocking down the house that she was living in down in Florida. Howard said people do that all the time down there. Robin said the house was 90 years old and infested with termites and people still don't understand why she did it. Howard said that chick is some catch. He said that she has half of Tiger Woods money. Howard said it's so easy to look like a great guy next to Tiger Woods. Howard said he could say he was only cheating with 5 or 6 women and he'd look better. Howard said unless you're a serial killer you'd look good next to Tiger. Howard read a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about Mitt Romney dominating the lead in the polls ahead of the New Hampshire primary. Robin said that Ron Paul is in second. Howard said that John McCain screwed up and mentioned President Obama instead of ''Romney'' during a speech. Howard played that clip and McCain got booed when he screwed up. Robin had some clips of people talking about Romney. Gingrich was going off on Romney. She had some audio of Romney going off on Santorum too. She had some audio of Ron Paul talking about some issues.
Howard took a call from a woman who congratulated him on his AGT hiring. Robin said she hates that AGT thing. Howard said he did too but he's taken to it because it shortens things up. The caller said that she'd love Howard to be more of himself on TV than he is usually on Letterman. Howard said he's always himself. He said his game plan is to go on that show and be a judge. Howard said that's all he's going to do. The caller said that's what she would love. She said she thinks he's wonderful without trying to be something else. Howard thanked her and said that she's annoying him. Robin said she's already decided what he's going to be like on the show. Howard said he's not an idiot. He said he's there to give his opinion on the show. He said he won't wear costumes or have Eric the Midget sitting on his lap. He said he's going to be himself, who else would he be?
Howard took another call from a guy who said he needs advice on a friend who dumped his wife between Christmas and New Years. Howard said he didn't care and hung up. Another caller said he should have a name like ''Judge Mental'' on the show. Howard said he's not going to do that. He didn't understand what he said anyway.
The caller said that Tim Tebow looked like he had herpes last night. Robin said his lip was just cracked. The caller insisted that it was herpes. Howard said it would be the most boring case of herpes ever if he did have it. Howard said that was Tommy on the phone. He said everyone knows him.
Robin got back to her news and read about how this whole debate thing is going to keep republican's from getting elected this year. She had some audio of someone talking about that. Howard said that he's heard that before and they essentially kill each other trying to get the nomination. Robin had a couple of other clips to play after that.
Robin had more audio of John McCain talking about Obama removing troops from Iraq. McCain said that it makes us look weak. Howard asked if we're really out of there. Robin said we're essentially out.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who said it was a great interview with Seth Rogen. Jeff said he's great. Howard said Jeff must think that there's help for him if Seth can make a living getting high all the time.
Howard took a call from Sour Shoes who was doing his Steven Tyler impression. Howard said he must be rehearsing. He said it sounds pretty good but he hung right up a few seconds later.
Robin read about how tensions between the U.S. and Iran are getting high. She had some audio of someone talking about that.
Robin read about a couple of guys who were killed in Afghanistan last week. Robin had some audio of a guy talking about how dangerous it still is over there.
Robin read about it being the one year anniversary of the Gabrielle Giffords shooting. She said that Gabrielle was with her husband at an event yesterday where her husband spoke. Robin had some audio of Mark Kelly making a speech at that event.
Robin read about Europe trying to save the Euro. Robin said they're trying to come up with a solution so they can keep it going.
Robin read about a person who woke up in an ambulance being assaulted by a paramedic. Robin said they say that this woman had a head injury and this guy sexually assaulted her in the back of the ambulance. Howard said that guy works fast. You have to work quick if you're on the way to the hospital. Robin said they say that she was strapped to a gurny and she was in and out of consciousness. Robin said the guy is out on bail now.
Robin read about a woman who went bungee jumping and the cord snapped. She ended up in crocodile infested waters. Howard said he saw the video and the rope looked like it was going to break. He said she falls in the water and then you see the crocodiles trying to eat her. Robin said she's on the mend after the fall. Robin read the details about her jump and how she fell into the raging river below. Robin said this was in Zimbabwe. She had some audio of the woman talking about what a miracle it was that she survived.
Robin said people must be starving for a good movie because ''The Devil Inside'' made $34.5 million. Robin said it was a cheap movie and it did really well even though it had really bad reviews. Howard said he saw a great movie on Pay-Per-View. He said it was the new Planet of the Apes movie. He said it was so good. Robin agreed. Howard said that the ape effects were fantastic. He said it's called ''Rise of the Planet of the Apes.''
Howard spent another minute talking to Jeff and Ivy. He thanked them for doing what they did. Howard asked if they have sex a lot. Jeff said that not around this time of month. It's her time of month. Howard asked if she still gives oral. Jeff said ''still?'' Ivy apparently doesn't enjoy it so much. Ivy said it's not that it's gross. She said that they just like having regular sex. She likes it from the side or behind. Jeff said they have good timing together. Howard said he had no idea what they were saying. He wished them luck. He said he's been married for 3 years now. He said they've been together for 12 years though. Jeff said their dog is a cock blocker. Howard said they manage to keep the dog out of the bedroom when they need to. Howard ended the show a short time later, right around 10:20am.
Jon went over some of the other stuff they were going to talk about. He mentioned the Seth Rogen visit and how he came up just to see Howard today. He's not on a regular publicity thing today.
Jon asked Gary about Seth smoking before he does everything. Gary said he knows some guys like that. He said that if you do that every day then you get used to it. Jon said that the one time it failed him was before his wedding. Jon said he's not sure if Jason smoked before his wedding. Gary said ''Oh please...''
Jon said Seth seems to be all over the place but he stays on topic and on point. Gary said he thought when he was talking about James Franco was great. He said he also thought it was great when he was talking about his wife writing with him and how they fight over some of the ideas they come up with.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that one of the last callers Howard took today was referring to Howard going on Letterman and not acting like himself. He said that he's really not himself on those shows. He said that he knows what that woman was talking about. The caller said that Howard doesn't take constructive criticism very well. He said Howard couldn't take it and hung up on her. Gary said that's Howard doing the show though.
Gary said he's heard people say that before. He said when Howard is on radio he's kind of doing a monologue. He said when you're on a talk show you have to bring the other person into it. He said you only have 6 minutes to be entertaining. Jon said he doesn't want to be a typical guest either. Gary said the pacing on that show is going to be different than on a radio show. Jon said that Howard may plan out those appearances more than the radio show.
Jason came in and said that he didn't smoke before his wedding. He said he's really not a functional smoker. He said he didn't want to be high out there for his wedding. He said as soon as the party started he went out and smoked. He said he didn't smoke before the vows but he did after. Jason said everyone brought him weed. He said they were out on the patio smoking and it made the party that much better. He said he felt better and it was a great time.
Jon took another call from a guy who said that Rob Schneider has a new show coming out and he's wondering if he'll be on the show. Gary said he'll be calling in but not coming in because he's not in town.
Jon asked Gary about Seth's story about peeing in a Snapple bottle. Gary said he's not sure he'd do that. He said his wife might get mad at him if he did that. Jason said he has a couple of stories about peeing in bottles. Gary said they went to an event with John once and John told them that he went to throw his piss cup out the window and it got all over his steering wheel. Jason said he got really skeeved out by that. He said another time he was driving Will's car home and Will had to piss in a bottle once. He said he was getting it all over the car because he kept hitting the brakes.
Gary said that Tina Fey wrote about how you never pick up a cup at SNL because you never know who pissed in a cup or bottle there.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Howard really isn't very with it when it comes to things like Rick Santorum. He said there has been a campaign against him for years. He said Howard should know about that. Gary said the caller may know more about it than most people does. The caller said that Howard claims that he reads Rolling Stone and he should know the story. Gary tried to explain what Howard talks about when he mentions Keith and Mick fighting. The guy wasn't listening so Gary had to cut him off. they had to take a break a short time later.
Jon said when Benjy does something like that they spend hours on it. Gary said it's the first fashion move he's made in 9 years. He said that's why they didn't bother him.
Benjy said JD mentioned that he looks kind of Asian and he thinks they should do a test to find out if he is. Gary said he saw this thing on TV where they have a Charisma Meter. He said he'd love for everyone there to wear one so they can see where JD's goes.
Jon also talked about why he's such a big Pittsburgh fan. He said that he doesn't understand why people don't understand that. Jason said he used to think that Jon was from Pittsburgh. He said he thought for years he was from there but he wasn't even born there. Gary asked Jason if he would be a Raiders fan if he was in Los Angeles and the Raiders won 4 super bowls in a row. Jason said he doesn't know but when he was living out there he was still a NY fan.
JD came in so Gary asked him why he shaved. JD said he was looking homeless and he wanted that stuff off his face. He said no one said anything to him. He said he was just tired of it. He said it's called laziness.
Jason asked what this new look is. JD said it's just new glasses and a shaved face. Benjy said that chick who came in today had a big crush on JD. Her husband was right behind him. JD didn't seem to believe it.
Ivy was in too and she said that she really does like JD. She said that she would love to go on a date with JD if her husband would let her. JD said he thinks she's hot too. He said he'd like to take her out but he'd be afraid of getting beat up by her husband. He said that would make things even more awkward around there. Jon had to go to another break after that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he agrees with Howard about Tebow. He said that he's afraid that in 20 or 30 years he's going to run for president. He said that he might win the Super Bowl and he may end up running and winning. Gary said there are plenty of people who won the Super Bowl and none of them are running for president. Gary said that Tebow isn't in your face every minute with the Jesus stuff. He said the press is pushing it on people. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show talking about an Ambien headache he had. He said he was up last night watching The Bachelor and he wasn't able to get to sleep so he took an Ambien. Robin said the women on the show seem particularly crazy this season. Howard said they all look amazing this season. He said the Bachelor seems like a drip and he was yelling at the screen that he was a douche. Robin said she saw a hot tub scene where they all looked like they were out of their minds.
Howard said the women are all after being The Bachelorette. He said the guy lets you know his father died and he's talking about it every minute. He said the guy never works since he's always the Bachelor. He said he's supposed to be running a winery but he thinks it'll go out of business in 2 years. Howard said the women think they're going to be marrying this cool guy with a winery but the guy can't be running it. He said he must have someone else helping him out with it.
Howard said there's one girl on the show who is gorgeous but she's crazy. He said one chick he went on a date with was insanely hot and kind of cool actually. Howard said you end up talking about him like you do with Benjy and his girlfriend.
Howard said people are asking if Benjy is going to be okay. They feel like he's being used. Howard said he's a grown man and he's getting laid so go for it. He told him to fuck his brains out. Howard said everyone is concerned about Benjy and how she might be using him. Howard said he saw some pictures from the party and he's got Hickeys on his neck. He doesn't want to sand bag the guy. He said some of it was sort of sensitive. Howard said he asked him if he could talk about it and gave him a day to think about it. Now he doesn't want him talking about it. Howard said he doesn't know why.
Howard said this chick has dated some famous dudes and Benjy is in good company. She dated Vin Diesel and Ethan Hawke. Howard asked if that was before or after he was married. Robin said it had to be before. Howard asked how she found these dudes. Benjy said he thinks she went out with him for a couple of months after meeting him on the street. Howard said she had no hesitation sleeping with that guy. Howard said she dated Matt Dillon too. Howard said that guy will date anyone though. He said he hit on his wife.
Howard said maybe his girl is losing it if she's with Benjy. Howard said she was with Ethan Hawke and now Benjy.
Howard said he was reading more about this Beyonce and Jay-Z thing where they took over the hospital. Howard said that people seem to be afraid of Jay-Z and they won't say anything nasty about them in the paper. Howard said that they blame the hospital instead. Howard read some of the letters people have been writing about that. Howard said they all go out of their way to say it was the hospital that should be blamed.
Howard said that if he did something like that he'd be taking the blame. He imagined that people would be blaming him even if he didn't do it. Howard said Jay-Z already wrote a song about this situation. He said he doesn't get rap and he'd never buy a song like that. He said that he likes the guy and he's had him on the show but he doesn't get it.
Howard said he asked JD if he likes it and he says he does. He thinks he might be lying about that. JD came in and said that it's an okay song but he wouldn't listen to it regularly. Howard asked how people get into the song if they're not really into it. He said he likes some of Eminem's stuff sometimes but not really much else. Robin said that Howard liked some of Jay-Z's stuff and introduced her to it. Howard said there were a couple of songs that he liked but it's usually when they're singing and not rapping. He said he likes that song Rihanna and Eminem did but he only likes the part where she's singing. He said he doesn't care about the rap. Howard said he knows he's an old fart and it's over. He's 58 years old now.
Howard played some of this new Jay-Z song and laughed as it was playing. Robin said he must be tired because this isn't his best work. Howard let the song play and Fred threw in some sound effects like a slamming door. Howard said he was kind of getting into the song after hearing it again. He said it is kind of poetry. Robin said it's better than Ronnie's poem. Howard said someone made a song out of Ronnie's poem. He was going to play it but he ended up talking about Jay-Z some more. Howard said he's going to blame the hospital too.
Howard asked where the song is that he was talking about. No one was getting back to him. He said they must be eating breakfast back there. Gary told Howard they had it. Howard said he knew they had the song. He played the one that Little Mikey created. He sang Ronnie's ''Winter'' poem to his own music. Howard said that song goes on and on. Robin said even in song it sucks.
Howard said he saw that Hostess has filed for bankruptcy. He said that they make Twinkies and things like that. He said he never liked those things. He said they were shitty. Robin said they were tasteless. Howard said it sounds pretty cool when you can declare bankruptcy and just not pay your bills. He said it doesn't seem fair to him. Howard said the stockholders all get fucked too. He said if they reorganize your stock is worthless.
Howard said in the 70s everyone had to have a bike and Schwinn, and every other bike maker, was doing great. Howard said he remembers his dad talking about how he was going to sell his company for stock in a bicycle company. He said his dad was talking about how everyone loved bikes. His dad got all worked up over it but they didn't even get a free bicycle or anything. Howard said his dad made some deal but he doesn't know what he was thinking. Howard said that company went out of business and he remembers his dad throwing the stock around. He thought his dad knew everything but it turns out he really didn't. Howard said he should have him on the show to talk about that.
Howard said his dad wanted to invest in KFC too but his mom talked him out of it. Howard said his dad could have been rich if he had invested early on.
Howard said his dad heard that they were going to go public but his mom asked who buys stock in chicken. Gary asked what other ideas his dad had that his mom talked him out of. Howard said he's not sure. He said he had that bicycle deal that he didn't get talked out of. Howard said his dad went out and bought Consumer Reports and they were rating all of the bicycle manufacturers and the one his dad had was getting a zero rating. Howard said he's not even sure what the whole deal was. He said he has to remember that next time he asks his dad for advice. Howard said he would never invest in a bicycle company like that. He said that's too funny.
Gary said he heard that Kodak may be preparing for bankruptcy now too. Howard said they were in the film business but they didn't realize it. Howard said they didn't keep up with the times.
Howard said that the Bachelorette got married to her guy and now she's a mess. Howard said she changed her look and now she looks like a housewife. He said the guy just stares at the screen and goes along with it.
Gary asked if he watched the BCS bowl game last night. Howard said he didn't. He said he went to bed at 8:30. He said that Beth was all worked up about her new show that she started work on. Howard said she was out surprising a person with the Mom Cave show. Howard said that she did that and she was all charged up. Howard said he started rubbing Beth's ass to let her know that he was ready for sex. He said she thinks she's fat and he has to tell her that she's not. Howard said that she has a great ass.
Fred threw in some Joe Rogan ''Great ass'' clips and that led to Howard talking about how Joe doesn't do the show anymore. He said Joe took some of his comments really hard and he won't do the show. Howard said that the NBC guys wanted to try talking to Joe to get him to come on the show. Gary said that the new Fear Factor is great and Joe is perfect for that show. Howard said he really is.
Howard said he was setting up his flight plans for America's Got Talent. He said he hired Ralph to put together his look for the show. He said it's a lot of work. Howard said that Ralph was wondering why he's hiring him and NBC isn't. Howard said that most people dress themselves and he just wants to hire him.
Howard said he told Ralph he has to get him a suit every week and get him a new shirt to wear with the suit. He said that Ralph will put too much thought into it as usual. He said he gets a little overwhelmed. Howard said Ralph will make a big deal out of it but he doesn't want him to do that.
Howard said that he had Ralph on the phone to figure out the shooting dates to figure out if they should have him wear the same thing. Howard said they do want him to wear the same thing so that's what he's going to do. Howard said they want him wearing the same thing over a two day shoot. Robin said that doesn't sound right. Howard said that's what they do.
Howard said he told Ralph he wants to wear a suit the whole time. Ralph wanted him to have a different look for the auditions but he told him he just wants the suits. He said that L.A. Reid is the best dresser on these shows but he's not sure he wants to do that. Howard said that he can pull off a pink sweater once in a while too but he's not sure he can do that himself.
Howard said he was talking to the NBC guys about getting suits but they were saying they thought he'd show up dressed like Tonto one week and something else the next week. He said they had him confused. Howard said he had to put his foot down and say that this isn't the Howard Stern show, it's America's Got Talent.
Howard said Howie Mandel went to wardrobe and told them that he was going to dress in renaissance outfits every week so they went out and bought them. He said that Howie told them that he was just kidding around but they went out and bought the stuff. Howard said if he was going to disrespect the show he'd dress up like a pirate one week and an ape the next. He said he's not going to do that though.
Robin said she doesn't think he should wear suits during the days when they're watching auditions. Howard said it sounds like too much work. He said he should wear a suit but no shirt. He could have just his naked body under it. Howard said they told him they don't want him to be too serious on the show. Howard said he doesn't want to come out in a dress and suck the attention away. He said he's a judge.
Howard figured a suit would be easier for him. Robin said he should wear something more casual during the auditions. Howard said he's ready to give up already. He said he's sick of the show and he hasn't even started. He said he can hate a job really quick. Robin said that's why they're called jobs. They're not called fun.
Howard said he has to figure out his schedule for flying out. He said he does it all on his computer and he can't even figure it all out. He said it's just annoying. Howard said it's the electronic age and he has to put it all on his computer. He said he gets lazy though.
Howard said he hates his new job and he hates the new job he'll take after this one. He said he will get it together though.
Howard said he's fat and he has to lose weight again. Howard said if he gains more weight he has to get new measurements. Howard said he used to be able to knock off 8 pounds in a week but he can't do that anymore. He said yesterday he had an egg white sandwich for breakfast and lunch and then weighed himself and he's at 202 pounds. Howard said he had a couple handfuls of nuts and one grape as snacks. He said that's all he had. Howard said he's 6'5'' tall and he has to eat something.
Howard said he's trying to look better so he won't be fat on AGT. Robin said he'll knock it off in a week when he gets serious. Howard said he's afraid he'll get a cold trying to work out. He doesn't want to screw up the shoot for America's Got Talent though.
Howard said Will got him a menu for lunch. He found out Gary eats shrimp or something. Gary said it's 4 ounces of smoked salmon. Gary showed Howard what he eats. Howard said he can't eat something that's packaged. Gary said this is refrigerated and it comes from Whole Foods. Howard said it's weird that it doesn't have to be refrigerated. Gary said it is refrigerated. Howard asked if 4 ounces fills him. Gary said it does. He said he didn't even eat lunch in the past.
Howard asked Gary if he's ravenous by the time he gets home. Gary said he's okay. Howard asked if he works out. Gary said he has been working out.
Howard heard Gary has been eating imitation crab too. Gary said he loves it. Howard asked why he doesn't get the real stuff. Gary said he just gets packaged stuff so he can eat it whenever he wants. Howard asked how he gets the four ounces of salmon. Gary said that's how they package it. Howard asked what he eats for dinner. Gary said he eats whatever Mary makes. He said he had pizza over the weekend. He had two slices. Howard said he eats like a woman. Howard said he should be a lot thinner for what he's eating. He said it sounds like he isn't eating anything. Howard asked what he weighs. Gary said he was at 225 or so and now he's in the high 190s. Gary said he rarely eats vegetables. Howard said he eats them a lot. He said he eats tons of broccoli.
Gary said his wife makes vegetables every night and passes them to him. He said that she hopes that he'll eat them. He doesn't.
Howard said he's trying to find something to eat on this menu but there's nothing for him. He went through some of the items on the menu but they sounded like they were high in calories. Howard asked Robin for her opinion on some of the stuff on the menu. He said that Beth looked at it and her eyes glazed over. He said she didn't know how to help.
Robin told Howard to get a salad with salmon on it. Howard said that's too easy. Howard went over the menu again and figured he could get some mixed greens or something. He said that they have dressings that are low fat but he's not sure he wants to do that. Robin told him to put them on the side. She said you don't need that much. Robin told him to have balsamic dressing. Howard said he'll do that. Howard asked Will if he can get him that at 10 in the morning. Will came in and said that he hopes they'll do it at 10. Will said they can do sandwiches at that time of morning. Will asked if he wanted chicken. Howard said he's stopped eating all birds. Howard asked if he can get him five grilled shrimp and a baked potato. Will said he'll try.
Howard said this segment is called ''Things Chris Christy never worries about.'' He said that guy is huge. He talked about seeing him on TV and how big the guy is. Robin said he's like a globe. Howard said he saw Christy responding to some chick who was asking him questions about Mitt Romney. He said that he made a ''going down'' reference but that took him down a couple of notches.
Howard had the clip of Christy making the comment to the woman so he played that. Some women were yelling out during his speech and he said something about how there might be some things going down and that's not all sweetheart. Howard said you have to be careful calling someone sweetheart these days.
Howard said that Christy has his shirt tucked in and he's walking around like he's doing stand-up and the guy is huge. Howard said the guy has gotten bigger since his 60 Minutes interview. He said he has to be easily 400 pounds. Will said that you can't be president at 400 pounds. Gary said there was one. He said it was William Taft. Howard said that was before TV when no one knew what you looked like.
Howard said that Bubba used to be 400 pounds and he had to have someone help wipe him. Howard said Christy has to be concerned with his health.
Gary said that Christy wasn't able to breath in the summer. He had some kind of asthmatic thing going on. Howard wondered what he's eating every day. Will said ''what's he not eating.'' Howard said he got on the scale the other day and he was at 199 pounds and he thought he had just 5 pounds to lose. He said he shot right back up to 202.
Howard said he went to bed last night and shot right back up so he watched more of The Bachelor. He said that didn't put him to sleep so Beth suggested taking Ambien. Howard said Beth has a heart thing so he didn't let her take it. Howard said he took one instead. Howard said that annoys her because he says ''we're going to be asleep in minutes.'' Beth wondered why he said ''we'' when she's not going to fall asleep. He said she fell asleep just fine though.
Howard said he took the Ambien but he woke up with a headache. Howard said that he got nervous when he wasn't able to fall asleep. He said he's neurotic. Will said it's the hours that make you anxious. Will said he takes Melatonin. Howard said that's hippie bullshit stuff and it doesn't work. Robin said she just goes to sleep. Howard said that she's just perfect then. He said he'd like to follow her around for a day to see how she does what she does. Howard said Robin is miss perfect. Robin said he could have just laid there and fallen asleep. She said that his body is resting anyway. Howard said that's what his mom told him. All she does is rest though. Howard said they had to take a break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that he just confirmed how much The Doors blow. Howard said he thought it was a hoax but some dude was in the studio and uncovered an unreleased track by the Doors. He said the song sucks. He said that they're apparently still putting out new albums with hidden tracks and stuff. He said that he was never into The Doors. He said he remembers his dad getting a free album once and he brought it home. Howard said he would save up for albums and he'd go to the store and buy one and it would be warped. He said that he'd have to send it back to them and it would take months for them to get him another copy.
Howard said his dad gave him this Doors album that he got for free and he was ready to throw up. He said their albums had like 50 bad songs on them and one hit. He said that just wasn't for him.
Howard said this new track comes out called ''She Smells So Nice'' and it's just awful. Howard played it for Robin. He said maybe it's a goof but supposedly it's real. Robin just said ''Oh god'' when she heard the song. Howard said it must be a joke. He said that was meant to be lost if it's real. Robin said she didn't want to hear anymore of it. She said they should put it out on a rock so it can't be played.
Howard had Jon Leiberman come in with his news preview. Jon came in and said they have a story about a staff member encouraging a family member to audition for America's Got Talent. Jon said that Scott Salem wants his son to get on and he wants Howard to help him out. Howard said if you know him then you know it's going to be harder for him to win. Howard said he doesn't want to do any special favors. Scott came in and said that he was just jesting and his son isn't going to audition. He said that his son can audition if he wants to but he's just going to think about it right now. Scott said his son is 26 now. Howard said it's sort of make or break time for him. Scott said he works too. Howard said that's good.
Howard asked Scott if he'd be weirded out if he told him he wouldn't make it. Scott said he'd be fine with that. Howard said Scott auditioned for ''America's Got No Personality'' and he's pretty sure he's going to win.
Jon said that they have learned that Scott has an open invitation that's coming up in New Jersey in February. Howard said he can forget that. Jon said that he may be able to bowl in the afternoons. Scott said he could do it and not miss any show time. Howard said he saw that Don Carter died. He said that back in the 60s he did well with bowling and got a million dollar endorsement deal from some company. Scott said it was from Budweiser. Howard said that was big money back then. It's still big money. Scott said he knew his son from working with him in Vegas.
Howard said this is what his conversations are like with Scott in the hall. He said they're so boring. Howard asked if he saw the pro bowler who got the ball stuck on his fingers. Howard said they should put that up on the web page. Scott said it just happened this weekend. Howard said the dude went up to release and the ball stays on his hand so the guy goes flying. He falls on his ass into the gutter. Scott said that it's like ice once you go past the foul line. Howard said the guy's name is Josh Blanchard. They found it and played it for everyone in the studio. Everyone was cracking up. They spent a minute talking about that and about Duck Pin bowling too. Leiberman had mentioned the duck pin bowling. Scott told Howard about these special balls they have an filled them in on that stuff.
Howard said Howard TV has the shot of Scott tossing his ball and almost hitting the ceiling. Howard said that was a room full of pros that Scott did that in front of.
Jon said that Scott would be able to do the show and bowl in New Jersey. Scott said he can do it without missing any time on the show. Howard said he really doesn't care and he didn't' even hear what Scott said.
Jon said that Debbie the Pet Lady had the ASPCA at her home after getting a complaint from an anonymous person. Then child protective services showed up at her door. They found that she was fine. Jon said that she's missed two comedy gigs in a row. She ended up arguing with the door man at one show so she just went home. Jon said that some people were pissed that she didn't show up. Howard said that's the fun of Debbie.
Jon said that Bobo has pissed off Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife. He emailed her and told her she shouldn't be wearing high heels when she's out hunting fugitives. Dog's wife shot back a ''fuck you'' email to him.
Howard had Bobo on the phone and told him he's retarded. Bobo said he's been in vehicle safety for many years and he did more than that. Bobo said that he was watching the show and he saw her wearing heels so he emailed her. He said that people tweet live while the show is on and that's what he did. He just told her that it was a bad idea to run in heels with a gun in your hand.
Howard was ready to let Bobo go but Bobo said that Michael Powell has said that it was wrong to go after him years ago. Howard asked if that's what he really said. Jon Leiberman said that Powell did say that his vote was a mistake. He said that he was always deeply troubled with the first amendment changing when you do that. Jon said he's working for cable networks now so he's just changing his tune because of who he's working for.
Jon said that they have a sad story to report. He said that Richie Wilson had to say goodbye to his dog Elvis. Jon said that his vet chose an urn for Elvis but they had already purchased one. They told Richie that he had to make the transfer himself. He said that they also promised him a paw print but they didn't get him that either. Howard asked why he's victimized. Jon said Richie doesn't want to see the ashes. They just gave him the ashes. Robin said she will do it for Richie if he wants. She had to transfer the ashes of her cat recently so she did that herself. She said she's very sensitive and she can do that for him if it's going to be a trauma.
Howard asked about the paw print. Jon said that Richie has had to go back and forth a few times and it's an unfortunate thing. Howard said there isn't a better dog owner than Richie. Howard said he wasn't able to read his blog about his dog dying. He said it brought him even closer to his dog. Howard said he plays with his dog for at least 15-20 minutes every day now. He said last night the dog loved him so much that she started humping his leg. Howard said his whole leg is all scratched up and bleeding. He said she was hugging and humping his leg. Howard said his whole leg is cut up from that.
Howard said Richie was talking about what the dog meant to him and it was really touching. Richie came in so Howard told him his blog was really good. He asked if he's going to get another dog. Richie said eventually he will. He said he can't get one right now.
Howard said that Rottweilers don't live long. Richie said his dog was huge too. He said that shortens their life span. Howard said they should stop some breeding of certain dogs. He said they do too much in breeding. That's what's doing it.
Richie told Howard that people were donating to a Rottweiler rescue that he asked them to. He said that he donated Elvis' toys there too and it made him feel better.
Howard asked Jon if he had anymore. Jon said that's it for today. Howard had to go to break after that. He said he has a bunch of stuff to play for everyone today. He had to take some calls too. Howard said Sal and Richard did this Beetlejuice game that they have to play too. He said they asked Beet questions and then asked the same ones 10 minutes later to see if he'd give the same answer. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said that Pat Robertson isn't that popular anymore but he's still claiming that God tells him who is going to be president. He said he won't tell anyone who it is though. Howard played some audio of Robertson talking about how he spent a week, alone, in prayer. Howard said he doesn't believe that he spent any time alone in any room. Howard let the clip play and Robertson says that he has to leave people in the dark about the next President. Howard said that he likes the woman who sits there with him and plays along with his nonsense.
Howard said he has spoken to god and he tells him the Billboard top 5 in advance. He said he can fill you in for the next 3 months.
Howard played more of Robertson's ramblings and he claims that he's ''pretty sure'' who will be president. Robin said he can't even stick with what he just said after one sentence. Howard played more of the clip and Robertson was going on and on about what's wrong with this country and what we need to do to fix it. He said that if America falls then there is no champion of freedom and we need to do whatever we can to keep it going. Howard said it sure sounds like God wants what Pat Robertson wants.
Howard said there are a lot of wacky things going on. He said it's hard to get to them all. Howard said Mike Ditka used the word ''Polack'' and he had to apologize for that. He said that Ditka is Polish or close to it. Howard played the clip and the woman he was on the air with pointed out that she didn't say it, he did. Robin said he wasn't being derogatory there. Ditka did apologize and everyone forgot about it.
Howard took a call from Jeff the Drunk who was pretending to be Elvis the dog calling from the grave. Howard said Jeff doesn't think this whole thing through. He said he wants to be funny but he has nothing to say. Jeff told Richie to stop being a punk ass bitch. Howard hung up on him. He had nothing to say.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that Van Halen released their new single a couple hours ago. He said the song is called ''Tattoo.'' Howard said that they managed to get through a recording session with David Lee Roth apparently.
The caller asked Howard about going to see ''2001 a Space Odyssey'' but Howard said that he can't talk to this guy because he won't get to the point. He said that a lot of people can't talk. He said that's good for him because he has a job where he does that.
Howard took a call from Captain Janks who said that he was wondering if he's going to do any live broadcasts around America's Got Talent. Howard said no. He said he's going to be on vacation during those times. Howard said maybe during the finals but he's not sure he wants to confuse those two worlds. Janks wished him a Happy Birthday before getting off the line.
Howard said he's not sure why he would do anything back stage. He said the idea is that he's just a judge and he won't be talking to the contestants.
Howard said Howie Mandel was talking about who hard it's going to be breaking people's hearts in Vegas during the Boot Camp week. Howard said he has to play some clips of Steven Tyler talking to Oprah on that special. He said that Steven was acting like he's all into nature and crap but Oprah isn't in touch with nature or anything. He said she's a big fatso. Howard said Steven took her in his car into the woods and Steven was sucking up to her. He said he doesn't think he realized the camera was on him. He was telling her he doesn't have any friends. Oprah said she's his friend and Steven said that Oprah gets him and she is his friend. He thinks that Steven is cracking up.
Howard said Oprah acts like she's god or Jesus or something. Howard said Steven was saying he finds god in his music. Oprah tells him that god Is the music. Howard said it's all this Oprah speak and new age horse shit. He said that it's a wild special if you get to see it.
Howard played some audio of Steven talking to Oprah and telling her that she's special and magical. Steven told her that he's all alone. Oprah said he's not now that they can be friends. Howard said she's only talking to him because she gets a TV special out of it. Howard asked what's going on with that guy. He said he has a girlfriend so why is he with her if he feels that way. Howard said he should go get a friend that will be around a little bit.
Howard said Oprah doesn't get Steven at all. He said if she really gets it she'd be out of there. Howard played another clip where Oprah told Steven that God is the music. Steven said he felt a presence of god and Oprah tells him that he's not just in the music but god IS the music. Howard said she's like Pat Robertson. Howard had to go to break after that.
Howard came back and had the guys bring in Lisa Lampanelli (@LisaLampanelli). Howard said he just saw her on Letterman the other night. He said it's the year of Lisa Lampanelli. Lisa said that's what they called 2009 too. Howard said he saw Letterman the other night and Dave was saying that he saw her on some specials and Dave went after her. Lisa said they say he rarely does that but it was great that he did it with her. Howard said that Dave is busy on the ham radio most of the time. He said he asked him about it once and Dave said he doesn't listen to ham radio. He said he listens to short wave. Howard didn't know the difference.
Lisa said she just wants to be invited back on the show so she didn't want to cause any trouble there. Howard said Lisa has been on Leno's show 10 times so he wonders what happens when Dave calls. Lisa said she just did Celebrity Apprentice and that's on NBC. She said that they asked if it was okay that she did Letterman. Lisa said they had no problem with it at all. She said she's not sure if she'll ever get on Leno again.
Howard said people ask him if they can do other radio shows. Howard said he finds that weird. Lisa said that Howard has been very good to her so she won't do O&A out of respect for him. Howard said that they just become a little less special with them if they do every other radio show. Lisa said that you get to talk about everything with Howard so it's the best place to go.
Lisa said that she's so glad she's not employed by anyone. She can go out and do whatever she wants. Howard said he heard she had to unbook herself from about $250,000 worth of stuff to do Celebrity Apprentice. Lisa said she did and she only gets a small amount to do Celebrity Apprentice. She said that she did that so she can be a big success for a long time. She said that people will go ''Oh, I know that bitch from Celebrity Apprentice.'' Lisa said that the $250,000 isn't that much money to her. She said that's short money. Lisa said that she could make even more long term. That's what has worked for her.
Howard said that it seems like a lot of work on Celebrity Apprentice. Lisa said it really is. She said that it's all about TV time. She said that she doesn't really care about the charity and there has to be something in it for her. She said that these people want to be more well known or they want to be back where they used to be. She said there are a lot of has-beens on the show. She mentioned Arsenio Hall. Howard said he used to be happening. Lisa said that he contends that he's been raising his kid for the past 12 years. He said that Mr. Trump will say to him ''I don't know what happened to you, where have you been?'' He said that it was doing it off camera too.
Howard said he'd like to know what kind of dumb decision Arsenio made. He said that he'd like to know what he thought he'd be doing when he dropped it. Robin said he must have thought he had a lot of work out there with the guests he had on his show. Howard asked if they look at Arsenio as a loser. Lisa said they really don't. He had it made and he's like the biggest name on the show.
Howard asked Lisa about Trump and what it's like working with him. Lisa said you end up liking him and she got along with him very well. She said he asked for her to do the show so that was very nice too.
Adam Carolla, Cheryl Tiegs, Aubrey O'Dey, Clay Aiken and others are on Celebrity Apprentice with Lisa too. She said she really likes Clay Aiken. She said that he came up to her and said she had tweeted some nasty things about him. She told Howard she had tweeted out about how Lady Gaga was coming out with a scent that was going to smell like Blood and Sperm so she said if she wanted to smell blood and sperm she's just punch Clay Aiken in the mouth. She said that he looked past that and they got along just fine on the show.
Howard said that there were some weird things about Clay out in the news before he came out. Gary said they had him on the show and the guy was saying that he was into fisting. Lisa said that fisting is very difficult from what she's been told. Howard said he doesn't think Clay was really into it.
Howard read about Diana Mendoza being on the show. Lisa said she's her nemesis. She said that this show is very stressful. She said that she cries every other show and she screams on every show. Lisa said that you get really into the show and you get so mad about the whole thing. She said she really wanted to win and she's very competitive. Lisa said that she hates everybody and she has to win. Howard said he'd feel really shitty about himself on that show. He said he wouldn't care. Lisa said you do care because you don't want to get kicked off before someone stupid.
Lisa told Howard that many of the people on the show are very smart. She said that Clay has great ideas and she loves people like that.
Howard asked if Adam Carolla is a smart guy. Lisa said he's brilliant. He said that she thought Penn Jillette was great too. Robin asked why Penn is on the show. Lisa said he told her that he just wants to sell more tickets like her.
Howard asked about Debbie Gibson. Lisa said she sings everything. She said that she told her to calm down with the singing. Lisa said she's pretty bright too. She said that George Takei is on the show too and he's such a gentleman. She said that Clay Aiken went to George and said that Lisa does these gay jokes and showed George one of her comedy specials where she was joking about George. She said George was cool though.
Howard said Lou Ferrigno is on the show too. Lisa said that she thinks that he has selective deafness. She said that he'd drive her crazy sitting in the same seat on the bus every time. She said that he still looks pretty good. Howard read some of the other names and they have Dee Snider, Victoria Gotti and other people like that. Lisa said that she and Victoria got into it and they have an agreement not to talk about each other.
Howard asked Lisa if she had to force the anger on camera. Lisa said she's pretty hard core and she'll start yelling at people. She said that she didn't have to force it. Lisa said that she went into the show thinking she didn't need a strategy but you really do. She said that she really just wants to win. Howard asked how long of a commitment it is. Lisa said that it's about 2 months and then the live finale in May.
Howard asked Lisa about something that happened on the show and Lisa said that the boardroom things are really rough. She said that she was in the room with Clay and the girl from Venezuela. She said they had to do a tape change in the middle of it. Lisa said that the boardroom things can be really long. She said that Trump told them that this was going to be really big for all of them. She said that Trump told her that she'd be big with the Jews and Clay would be big with whatever he is. She asked why she'd be big with the Jews and Trump told her that they love her at the Friar's club.
Howard asked Lisa if she'd do any other shows. Lisa said that she wants to do Dancing with the Stars. She said she thinks that's fun. She said that it would only be physically stressful. She said this Apprentice was tough all round with emotions and all of that.
Howard said he saw that Lisa got screwed around by NBC. She went to a basketball game to see the Knicks. NBC sent her there and she got stuck in the 11th row while two other people from the show got seats in the front row. Lisa said that only three of them showed up and the other two were in the front row. Lisa said that she had been up since 4am promoting the show and NBC threw her back there. She said it wasn't worth it to her and she just got out of there. Howard said that's very insulting. He said that she's better known than those other two women. Howard said that's very embarrassing to sit her back there while the other two are in the front. Lisa said that she had tweeted just before she got in there and the Knicks saw what she wrote and they retweeted it. Then they did that to her. Lisa said that TMZ showed up at her house and she went off on NBC. Lisa said that NBC did apologize and it was a good one. She said that's the great thing about being self employed. She's not beholden to anyone.
Lisa said she feels bad for Whitney Cummings because she has to work for NBC and CBS. She said that they have a lot of pressure on her and she feels for her. Howard said he thinks that she's really good looking. Lisa said she's really hot.
Howard asked Lisa about being on Twitter and if she's worried about how many follow her. Lisa said she has like 250,000 and she uses it to promote her stuff. Howard said he's heard that some celebrities get firms to get people to follow them. Lisa said they aren't your real fans then. Lisa said she does have someone who advises her on what she should do. She said that they tell her to give out one photograph a week and do at least two jokes a day. Lisa said they tell her to put video up but she doesn't do that shit. She said she learned quickly not to read the @ mentions. She said she doesn't read them that much anymore.
Howard said he heard that she was in a Twitter war with Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife. Lisa said that Gary almost got into a fight with her too. Lisa said she tweeted out a joke about Dog bailing out Nick Cage. She said that it was probably the biggest mess that he got himself into since going down on his wife. Lisa said that Beth shot back at her and said that if she's a comic she should make her jokes funny. Lisa said she shot back at her that it's good she married a guy named Dog because her cunt tastes like Alpo. She said that she gained like 1000 followers after that fight. She said that her advisor told her to get into fights if she's okay with it.
Howard said his guys are obsessed with a web site called CelebrityNetWorth.com. they claim that she's worth about 4.5 million. Lisa figured that could be close. She said that at least she's on the site as a celebrity.
Howard said he was reading something about Lisa and how angry she got when someone didn't recognize her. Lisa said she never gets mad about that. Howard said it was a question on Jeopardy where they mentioned her being the Queen of Mean. Lisa said they didn't know her on there. She said they were saying Joan Rivers instead but that was cute to her.
Howard said Lisa is going to be at the Pearl Concert Theater in Las Vegas this Saturday. Howard said you can find tickets Ticketmaster.com. She's also going to be on Celebrity Apprentice this season starting February 12th.
Howard asked Lisa about who she called to get to help her out with her Celebrity Apprentice stuff. Lisa said that she asked Jay Leno, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, her promoters and others. She said that she asked a promoter in Boston to donate and he said he had her and he'd send her $200. Lisa said her assistant called and asked him to send it that day. Lisa said that he had to Fed-Ex it that day and stuff like that and he said he couldn't do that.
Howard said he had a guy tell him that they gave a very substantial gift to a charity and it turns out it was 500 bucks. Howard said this guy has billions of dollars and he was carrying on about giving 500 bucks. Howard said that's very generous but that's not a substantial gift.
Lisa said that no one really famous turned her down. She said her charity should be very happy but she can't say how much she actually raised. Howard said he thinks that Lisa has said enough. Lisa agreed.
Howard asked Lisa about writing a Broadway play with Alan Zweibel. Lisa said that he's an older man and he shits a lot in her house when he's over. Lisa said that he loves the guy though. She said that he's an older man and he's constantly going to funerals. She said he's constantly sitting Shiva. Lisa said that the guy is a great writer though.
Howard asked if Dave was inappropriate with her at all when she was on. Lisa said she wishes he was. She said he wasn't. Howard said that he should have told Letterman that she was up for it. Lisa said she'd be willing to fist him and Clay Aiken. Howard said she's a beautiful woman. Howard gave her some more plugs and wrapped up a short time later. Check InsultComic.com for more comedy show dates.
Howard came back and said he read a story about a cheeseburger that remained the same after a year. He said he's not sure if it's real or not. He said it was a McDonald's burger that didn't change other than the bun getting stale. Howard said if that's real it makes you wonder how it's a burger if bacteria won't even eat it. Robin said they should try it. Howard said that maybe they will do that. Gary said Jason will do it today.
Howard said he was talking to Jason and he had an idea to have a life insurance agent come up there to tell them who they would insure. Howard said that they say that if you have cancer you can even get life insurance. Gary said Will is saying that he can't get insurance because of his past history. Howard said he had cancer as a kid. He's cured.
Will came in and said he can't get the term life insurance. He said he's been clean for 15 years. Will said he has a kid and a mortgage so he needs insurance. He said he did qualify for a smaller policy years ago. He said they can turn you down for just about anything. Robin said that's from his past though. Howard said they must figure he's fucked up from his past.
Howard said he should apply for one of those programs where you don't have to qualify. Gary said that one person on the staff was unable to get a policy. He said it was Jon Hein. He was rated worse than a dead smoker.
Jon came in and said he found out he had diabetes when he went to get more life insurance and had a blood test done. He said that they told him that he was rated worse than a dead smoker and they refused him. He said it wasn't very good. He said Will should be able to get his rating changed. He said if you have a preexisting condition then you're screwed.
Jon said that he has to pay big premiums to get good life insurance. Howard said that's insane that he's worse than a dead smoker. Howard asked if he thinks he's going to dye young. Jon said no. He said that he's 44 now. He said his uncle is in his late 60s and he's got Diabetes. He said he's in a wheelchair now but he didn't monitor his blood pressure very well.
Howard asked Jon what he thinks is going to happen with the new iPad 3. Jon said he thinks they'll give it a different screen size and a better display. Howard asked if he's going to need one. Jon said he's not sure. Howard said he heard about the new iMac and that's supposed to be a cross between an iPad and a computer. Jon said that's what he's been reading. He said they say that the keyboard will be gone or there will be an air keyboard. He said typing on the screen will happen just like with the iPad. He said the big rumor is the Apple TV. He said that it'll be an actual television. He said you'll be able to talk to it and it'll bring up what you want to watch.
Howard said he's into this new Nikon D4. He said it's not even out yet but the thing will be linked to your iPad. He said the pictures will pop up on the iPad and then you can control the camera from the iPad. He said that you won't have to touch the camera. He said that's part of the hardware or software. It's not an app. He said the camera is going to be expensive but he's not sure if he's going to get it or not.
Howard said he will be able to take a picture and edit it right on the iPad. Then he can mail it out to anyone. He said you can do all kinds of things with the camera. Robin asked if he would take every picture like that. Howard said he's an artist so he wouldn't' do that every time.
Howard said he asked Ralph what he did with his Champion Magazine app pictures. He said they're still working on them. Jon said that Ralph told him that it's coming very soon. Howard said he's looking forward to seeing what they do with his work.
Howard said that he heard that they haven't put out a new Champion magazine since October. Jon said that they've been giving it away for free so far and there was some talk about maybe charging for it. He's not sure what they're doing there.
Howard had Jon give his Wrap Up Show rundown since he was in the studio. Jon ran down the list of things they had to talk about today. They talked about Lisa Lampanelli and Celebrity Apprentice for a couple of minutes. They also talked about Arsenio Hall and what a disaster his career turned out to be. Robin said that he thought he was going to have some other career and it didn't happen. Howard said he might as well have jumped in front of a truck and died. Jon ran down a few more things they had to talk about today.
Howard asked Jon if he's trying to lose weight at all. Jon said he has lost a little bit. Howard said he has to lose a few to get ready for America's Got Talent. Robin asked Jon if he admires himself. Jon said not really. Robin said she heard Morgan Freeman say that if you don't admire yourself then you won't stay in shape. Howard said he admires Jon. Jon said he admires Morgan Freeman's acting. Howard let him go after that.
Howard said the latest is that the executive producer from ''In Plain Sight'' has contacted them and things were going smoothly until this morning. Howard said the producer is pulling his hair out again. Gary said that Eric is having trouble getting his oxygen and he wants to reschedule his dates. He only has the last two days of shooting to do it. Howard said that he'd bail on the whole project unless he has a back up plan.
Howard asked what happened. Gary said that it wasn't explained in the email. He said that he got the note that says he's not available for those dates because of this oxygen supply delivery. Gary said oxygen is free so he's not sure what the problem is. Gary said he's figuring that Eric is going to say that it has to pay a certain way. Gary said he's done with Eric and he's not dealing with him anymore. He said no good deed goes unpunished with him.
Gary said he got an email from the owner of the Viper Club who wanted him to make an appearance. He said that he forwarded the email to Eric and Eric sent him the nastiest email about how he was buys shooting in New Mexico. He said that Eric was so nasty that he is never going to do anything for him again. Gary said that with that logic would keep him from working anywhere ever again.
Gary said that he's going to decide what to do with anything that anyone sends to him. He said that he will throw it all in the garbage. He said he was being nice sending it to Eric and Eric was just a prick. He said that he knows he has a tough life but he's a professional victim. He said it's never Eric's fault. He's just a ''can't do'' kind of guy. Howard said he has to get Eric on the phone so he can ask what's going on. He said he has to get an update. Gary went back to make the call.
Howard wondered why Eric can't get this oxygen thing worked out. He's had 3 months to work it out. Robin said Johnny was saying it wouldn't be a problem. Howard did a life commercial while he waited for Gary to get Eric on the line.
Howard had Fred play some more commercials after that. Gary said he wasn't able to get Eric on the phone. He said that he'll probably call back when it's most inconvenient. Gary said he'll get mad at them for that too. Gary said he has to talk to him if he calls in. He was on the line a few seconds later.
Howard got Eric on the line and asked him what's going on with the In Plain Sight thing. Howard said he committed to dates and now he's saying he can't make it because of the oxygen tanks. Howard asked Eric if that's true. Eric said he didn't send them a letter or email. He said the only email he sent yesterday was a reply to John Strauss asking if the date with the doctor had changed. He said he just said that the date was the 19th. Howard asked if his oxygen tank isn't available. Eric said there is a hiccup there but he's trying to work it out. Eric said they are trying to work out the dates.
Howard said they're under the impression he's not going to make it for those dates. Howard asked if he's told them in some way that he has to change the dates. Eric didn't get a chance to answer. Howard was going to read Eric the email he got from John Strauss. Gary said that John said that he needed iron clad dates by January 1st.
Howard read the letter to Eric and John said that Eric changed the dates to the last two dates of their shoot. Eric said that they are the ones who are changing the dates, not him. Gary said he doesn't believe that. He said they're a business and Eric is Eric.
Howard said that he thinks Eric made a mistake sending that letter to Gary about the Viper Room. He said that Gary was being nice and he didn't have to send that email to him. Gary said he doesn't' decide his social calendar and he's not going to send him anything else anymore. Gary said that his handicap is that he's a prick. Eric said that Gary's handicap is that he's a jackass. He told them to let him reply. Eric said he has an agent and he's not the one who handles it. He said he should send it to Johnny. Gary said that's retarded logic too. He said that's not what he told him in the letter. He said that Eric told him that he should know that he wasn't going to be in L.A. that day. He didn't say anything about Johnny.
Eric said that Johnny even wondered why he sent it to him. Gary said that Johnny just tells Eric what he wants to hear. He said Johnny even thinks that he's an asshole and he doesn't want to deal with his bullshit. Gary said that he's done just as much work as Johnny has to get him on In Plain Sight. Gary said he doesn't think he's being truthful about the whole thing. Gary asked how many times he called them yesterday. Eric said he only talked to them a couple of times. Howard said he's a big pain in the ass for them. It's not even that big of a part according to Robin.
Howard said that Eric is making too much out of this whole thing. Eric said last week they said that the dates were going to be the 24th and 25th tentatively. Eric told Howard to let him finish his sentence. Gary said he's so ungrateful and he's a little shit. Howard said he's trying to get him work but it's making him look bad. He said he can't imagine what they think of him over at In Plain Sight.
Eric said he's not going to lose this role to anyone. Gary said that's true and asked who could be Eric. Howard said he has to show up for the dates that he agreed to. Eric said he has to let him explain that. Howard asked if he's going to work the dates he agreed to. Eric said they spoke to someone there yesterday who said that he has to be there for the 24th. He said they condensed it to one day and they were the ones who made the changes. Howard asked if there's a problem with the oxygen tank. Eric said there is a hiccup with that. He said that the concentrator will be there the morning of the 23rd. He said it's a two week process. Howard said he'd be out of this if he was at In Plain Sight.
Gary said that this is a two week process for Eric. He's not sure if it is for anyone else. Eric said that you can only rent the thing for a week at a time so he has to set it up for that week but he didn't know what week until this week.
Jason came in and said that John Strauss did tell Eric that it would be this particular week but he didn't have a set date.
Gary asked Eric if he thinks he's difficult to work with. Eric said he's not. Howard said they got three calls from him yesterday. Howard said Mary McCormack is the star and she doesn't even carry on like this. Robin said that Eric has to be the most difficult. Howard said that they haven't even talked about the werewolves thing.
Gary said he's going to leave. He said that Eric has been deemed difficult to work with. He said that's what he's leaving on. Howard told Eric to pull this together. Eric said that werewolf thing was bullshit that Johnny put in and it was just funny. Howard said Eric said that he read online that there were werewolves. Eric said Johnny was the one who read it, not him. Howard said Eric did believe it though.
Howard said he has a clear picture of what's going on. He hopes to see him on the show. Howard wished him luck. Eric said thank-you. They played him off with a ''Werewolves Of New Mexico'' song parody. Howard did a live commercial read and then went to break.
Howard read an email from someone who asked if Kelly Clarkson has always been as fat as she was on Saturday Night Live. Howard said she's been fat for a while now. He said that he'll be advising people on AGT about that kind of thing. Robin said there are people in music who are fat. She mentioned Adele, Carnie Wilson and Arehta Franklin. Howard said that Kelly doesn't appear to care about her weight.
Howard read an email about the Spooky Tooth cover of ''I Am The Walrus'' and how they liked it so much they've been playing it over and over ever since.
Howard read an email about how they can't have a heavy metal band on AGT because it will make Middle America tune right out. Howard said that a band could win that show though.
Howard said people are disgusted with the way JD looks lately. He said that someone wrote in about how fat he's gotten and how hard it's going to be for him to get laid now. Howard said another guy said that JD is way fat compared to a year ago. Howard said he had a lot of email about JD.
Howard had an email about Jay-Z and Beyonce and how they may have had a surrogate giving birth and that's why they took over the whole hospital. Robin said that's based on an internet rumor.
Howard read some email about yesterday's show and what people liked hearing. Howard said they liked his stories about his parents.
Howard said they have to stop the trend of guys screaming while they're cumming. Howard played a clip of a guy doing that. He said he doesn't want the attention on the guy. He said all he does is grunt for a split second when he's done.
Robin started her news with a story about The Advocate magazine putting out a list of the gayest cities. Robin said they didn't go with the ones you would know. Robin said they had cities that you wouldn't expect like Salt Lake City. Robin said that's the first on the list. Cambridge, Massachusetts is also on the list.
Robin read about a guy who died after seeing a movie as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were getting out of their limo.
Robin said that Pat Buchanan is out at MSNBC. Robin said they say that he's been suspended after appearing on a radio show for white nationalists. Robin said that more than 85,000 people urged them to take him off the air.
Howard said Eric the Midget was back on the phone but he has to end the show. Eric said that they called him and barely gave him any time to defend himself. Howard said he gave him more time than anyone. Eric said he's fully awake now. Howard told him to call back tomorrow. Eric had to straighten out what was going on with the oxygen tank. He said that they took his information to call his doctor and the oxygen tank company. Howard said he thinks that they've got it now. He asked if he was calling in on a walkie talkie or something. Eric said he's calling in from the same phone he always calls in on. Howard said he'll talk to him later. Howard said he hopes that they have it all straightened out now. Robin said she has no idea what he was talking about. Howard told her not to say that.
Fred did an impression of Eric talking in that broken speech he has. Howard asked what that is. Fred was just saying partial words and pausing between them. Howard said he's like a super villain. Howard and Fred had fun with that for a minute. Howard said there was some confusion there but it's all straight now.
Robin got back to her news and read about a North Carolina Eugenics board and how they have come out with a compensation task force to figure out who was sterilized without even knowing it. Robin said it's about population refinement. Howard said that's like what Hitler was doing. They spent a couple of minutes talking about that.
Robin read about Johnny Depp breaking up with his long time girlfriend. Robin said they say that Johnny isn't handling things very well because of this. Howard said he must be ready to do some fucking. He is Johnny Depp after all. He said he's probably ready to come back to America now.
Robin read about Snoop Dogg getting arrested for marijuana possession. Howard said that's so ridiculous. Robin said it's the same place Willie Nelson got busted at. It was at the U.S. / Mexican border. Howard said that pot should be legal. He said it really doesn't matter if someone is smoking. He said you should feel free to do it. Howard said he's going to use America's Got Talent as a forum for his views. He said he'll talk to Nick Cannon about weed and abortion.
Robin read about a school that had a math test with slavery as the context. Robin said instead of trains they used slavery as the subject matter. Howard said he read about that. Robin had the questions and they were asking about apples being picked and had slaves picking them in the math question. Howard tried doing the math but he had to do it the long way. Robin said some parents complained and the school got into trouble. Howard said all you have to do to hold a teaching job is not do anything stupid. He said this is just stupid. Howard said everyone is offended these days and you have to use your head. Robin said people just can't keep their mouths shut. Howard had Robin doing some math with Jews as the subject.
Robin read a story about a school principal who made some sexual comments about a new computer and copier that came in. Robin said he told someone that the new copier did everything and even had a hole in it where you can get a blow job. Robin said that he's being kept on a tight leash right now and he's been told he can't do that.
Robin said a worker found a black doll hanging from a noose in a parks department room in New York City. Robin said that it was there for two weeks according to some people.
Robin read a story about Charlie Sheen going out and telling people he's not crazy. Howard said the problem is that he is crazy. He walked away from that big hit show and now Ashton Kutcher is doing great with it. He said he's a dope and he had a money making machine there. he said he pissed it away and acted like an asshole. Robin said she thinks he's been knocked. Robin said that he's saying he's not crazy anymore and it was just an episode. She said he's saying that things are more focused and rooted in reality now. He's obviously trying to get work. That led to Howard playing a prank call the guys made using Charlie Sheen clips.
Robin read a story about how we're demanding the release of an alleged spy in Iran. Robin said that they say that the guy was working over there as a contractor. Robin said that they haven't said when the verdict was given about his guilt but they say he has 20 days to appeal.
Robin read about the New Hampshire primary that took place this morning. Robin said that the results were tallied and she had audio of someone reading the results. Robin read about Sarah Palin's husband backing Newt Gingrich. Robin mentioned a few other things going on with the primary.
Robin had some news about President Obama and had some audio clips to play.
Robin read about the Consumer Electronics Show opening this week. Robin said that they say there is one trend this year. She had some audio of a guy talking about how thin is in for many things like TVs and computers. Robin read about a voice controlled TV that Samsung has at the show. Robin said there was also an HD camera that attaches to your head or bicycle to record all of your movements. Robin said Intel has a notebook and tablet together. Robin said this show is not open to the public.
Robin read about the Syrian president coming out and accusing foreign conspirators working against the country. Robin had some audio of an interpreter talking about that.
Robin read about the French President and German Chancellor getting together to try and figure out a way to keep the European Union going. Robin said they aren't very close in their ideas to solve their problems. Robin finished up and Howard ended the show a short time later. They were done by 10:25am.
Jon also brought up the Eric the Midget discussion they had today. Gary showed up around then. Jon asked JD about his problems with Eric. JD said he hasn't liked him in a long time. He said he was the one who sent the email to Gary about Eric. He said that if he gets email he sends it to Gary but now he's going to send them to the trash. Gary said that's his new policy if they come to him. Gary said he knows people are going to say that's why he's funny on the show but he's helped the guy out so many times. He said he's helped Eric out with so many things but his handicap really is that he's a prick and a no good shit. JD said that his agent should handle it all. Gary said that Eric and his agent are off and on all the time.
Gary said he sent that email to Eric thinking he was helping him out. He never expected to get a scathing letter back.
Jon asked Gary how he thinks this is going to work out. Gary said he doesn't think it's going to work out well. Gary said Eric claimed he only talked to them once but then it led to him saying he called them 3 times.
Jon took a call from a guy who asked why they're just putting up with Eric. Gary said there are many wack packers that you can't deal with. He said they're good for the show though so that's why they deal with him. He said that Will usually handles Eric. He said that he won't let that ruin anything with Eric being on the show.
Benjy said that it seems like that guy John Strauss is looking for a story. He said that it sounds like it's not as bad as they made it out to be. Gary said that he does seem to enjoy the whole thing. Gary said John is trying to facilitate this and Eric has issues all the time. He said they're 5 star asshole issues. Benjy said that Eric is saying certain things though. Gary said he doesn't believe a fucking thing that comes out of his mouth.
Gary said that Strauss told him that Eric had to move his day to the last two days of their shoot. He said that's what he believes. Gary said he thinks Eric believes what he's talking about but he doesn't think he understands how the real world operates. Gary said Eric doesn't follow a schedule and he understands why it might be difficult though. They had to go to break after that.
Gary said he thinks that Howard hit it right on the head when he said that he knows him and he doesn't want to get involved. Gary said that you have to be neutral with them. Scott said he just wants his son to give it a try. He said he helps his son but he's not that involved. Jon said his plug was ''ScottsSonsBand.com.'' Scott said that it used to be but not anymore.
Jon asked Scott if he really wants Howard to do something like that. Scott said he wants Howard to be honest with his son. Benjy said he doesn't believe him there. Scott said he would love it if Howard could help him but he knows that he can't do that.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he's not a big fan of this America's Got Talent but he's interested in seeing Howard as a judge. He said he doesn't think it would be good idea for Scott's son to go on the show. He said it would be a joke if he did. Scott said that Howard wouldn't pick him from the auditions. He said that the producers pick those people. Scott said they're not going to put anyone through just because someone works on the show.
Jason said that Scott has done a lot of things through the show to get stuff for his son. He had Corey Feldman call his son as one of the Ninja Turtles. Gary said he has to put that on one of the next Best Of shows.
Scott said he thinks that his son is talented and he's not going to tell him he's good if he's not. He said that he's not like those people who do that to their kids.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he'd love to challenge Eric the Midget to a wrestling match. He said that little fuck drives him nuts. He said that Scott drives him nuts too. He asked how he could ask Howard to do something like that. Scott said he didn't ask. he said he was just joking around. He said he was talking about it in his studio and Jon Leiberman turned it into a story. Jon said everyone's heads are shaking in there. They don't believe him. Scott said that's the truth.
Gary said he thinks that Scott is guilty of throwing things out there and waiting for someone to pick it up as a story. Jon said that's an interesting move.
Jon asked Scott about his bowling plans. Scott said that he wasn't the one who contacted the PBA but he is going to participate. He said that Leiberman was the one who called the PBA and he found out there was one coming up. Scott said he did mention there was one coming up in New Jersey soon and Jon picked up on that. JD was shaking his head and said that Scott is talking to the news an awful lot.
Scott said that he was talking to Shuli the other day and he was in the news room bullshitting with him. Jon asked what's going on there. Gary said he already said what he thinks is going on.
Jon Leiberman came in and said that he keeps a list of things that he checks on and Scott's bowling is one of them. He said he did ask the guy at the PBA about it and that's how it happened. Scott really didn't have anything to do with it. Scott said that he has to work with them to get his days off. He said he was joking again. Scott would have to leave by 11 o'clock one day. Gary told him to just go. Scott said that one of the days is an off day and one is at night. Jason said he's sure that the schedule will get screwed up and it will turn into an issue. Scott said there will be just one day when he gets no sleep. He said he's done that a lot and he can do it again. Jon wished him luck with that and went to break.
Jon asked Gary if he could do a show like that. Gary said he'd love to do that show and he's dying to do it. He said it has to be tough to be on there though. Gary said that he thinks he could smack Arsenio Hall into shape. Gary said he has been approached to do something but it's a 3 week commitment so he doesn't have the time.
Jon asked if Lisa made the right move not asking Howard for money for her charity. Gary said she absolutely did. She said that Stephen Baldwin used to call all the time. Jon said she didn't ask him for a dime either.
Jon said it was kind of sad when Lisa said that Cheryl Tiegs hasn't held up very well. Gary said that Elle McPherson has held up very well. So has Christy Brinkley. Stephanie Seymour has also held up and she's Gary's neighbor.
Jon said that Gary told Howard about his diet today. Gary said that was the core of his meals that he talked about. He said that you can never do enough for Howard and Robin. He showed them what he was eating and it was packaged so they gave him a hard time about that. he said a few years ago he was eating cheeseburgers though. He said he has come a long way.
Jason said that Gary hides his weight in his clothes. He said he wears big clothes. Gary said he doesn't as much as he used to.
Jon asked Gary about Howard's lunch and what's going on with that. Gary said that when he met Howard he did that potato and turkey thing for like 9, 10 or maybe 12 years. He said he had to show the interns how to cut the potato. He said Howard wanted to stay thin and that's how he did it. Gary said the other thing is getting decent food so early in the morning. Gary said he thinks Howard can lose the weight and he'll do fine. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard started the show doing his Riley Martin voice. He said that's how he warms up in the morning. Howard was also talking about the Sirius XM lawsuit and how he still doesn't know if it's one company or two. Robin asked if he has to deal with that lawsuit every day. Howard said he doesn't and it drags out way too long. He said it could be solved so quickly too. Howard said so many people file wasteful lawsuits that the courts are jammed. He said they don't solve things the old fashioned way... with a duel.
Howard said Gary called him last night to tell him Joe Walsh was going to stop by this morning. He said that he told him that was fine but then it was downgraded to a phone call. Howard said he needs to look at the guy. He said he was looking forward to having him in but he won't be coming in today. Howard said he was very into rock and roll as a kid and he really liked Joe. He said he's still touring with the Eagles and it's an easy gig for him. Howard said Joe is great. He said he's sober now too. He said he never thought he'd see that.
Howard said the Eagles got Joe sober. He said that they told him he had to be sober to tour and he did it. Howard said they told him if he slipped he'd be out for good and he's been on the straight and narrow all this time. Howard said maybe they'll see Joe some other time. Maybe in another 5 years.
Howard said that the new CBS morning new team debuted this week and their ratings did go up somewhat. He said that they didn't do all that much better though. Robin said that the first week is going to be the best ratings.
Robin said they were going to go with more news but it turns out they didn't have any news to report on. Howard said they were talking to Julianna Margulies about the New Hampshire primary.
Howard brought up the New Hampshire primary and what was going on with that. He said he's not sure why this Rick Perry is still involved with the whole thing. He said the guy has no shot at getting the nomination. Howard said Mitt Romney seems to be a fairly level headed guy so he's willing to look at him. He said he has some wacky stuff going on in his life though.
Howard said he was reading about how Mitt Romney took his dog on a long car trip after tying it to the hood of his car. He said he's not sure if this story is true or not but he read it on the internet. Gary said he heard about that story but he's not sure if it's a hoax. Howard asked if anyone out there knows if it's a hoax. Benjy said it's in several major papers that you'd think would do the research. He said he would like to hear his explanation though. Howard said he'd like to ask Mitt about that in a debate. He said that's as bad as anything else that Newt Gingrich did.
Robin said they say that the dog carrier was strapped to the roof of a car. Howard said that's still fucked up. Robin said it was strapped to a Chevy station wagon. Robin said they were going to some vacation cottage in Ontario from Boston.
Gary said DePace has a question. He wants to know why that has any bearing on his ability to govern. Howard said it shows him that he has really whacked out judgment. He said that he had to be driving 50-60 miles per hour. Robin said they say that it had a special windshield. Benjy said they say that the dog loved it. Howard said he read the dog shit all over the place though. Robin said they did say that the dog had diarrhea and it could be seen running down the car.
Howard said he read that they had strapped the dog to the roof. He didn't know it was in a carrier. He said it's a little less bad. DePace said he read that Mitt built the windshield for the dog carrier. Howard said that's a little different than what he heard but it's still odd. Howard said it sounded really crappy when he read it.
Howard said he'd still ask him that at a debate. Howard said he'd like to know why he's designing windshields for dogs. Howard said the guy should have been able to afford a traveling bus or something. He said he has enough to do that. Howard said he had to take his cats and dogs out to Pittsburgh and rented a mini-bus to take them all out there.
Robin read more about the car and how it was full of luggage and people. Howard said they should have put the dog inside and the luggage on top of the car. Robin said she's never seen a dog strapped to the top of any car. Howard said it's like the Beverly Hillbillies.
Howard had Eric on the phone. Eric told the guy to go fuck himself. Eric defended himself as the caller was accusing him of using people's credit cards to go to the Bunny Ranch. The caller asked if Johnny Fratto was there so he could ask him about it. Johnny was there but he said he wanted to plead the 5th on that.
Eric told Howard that was a stupid piece of history. The caller asked why Johnny said he stole his card. Johnny said he never said that. The caller said he did too. The caller also told Eric that he's being more and more difficult and sooner or later everyone is going to say ''fuck you'' and not hire him. Howard said he can't imagine that everyone is going to think about Eric enough to say fuck you. Eric yelled at the guy saying that he's not ungrateful after the guy said he was.
The caller said that he would like to play Frogger with Eric in real life and since he's not that good at it he hopes that Eric gets hit by a truck. The caller said Eric is a piece of shit and he doesn't care about anyone. Eric told Howard to hang up on the dumb mother fucker.
The caller also asked Eric if he's the one who asked Johnny to whack some guy for him. Howard asked if he ever did whack that guy. Johnny said he doesn't do things like that. Howard thanked the caller, Vince, for the call. He said that if Eric can't take that role then Vince is willing to take it. Vince said he'd love to do it. Eric called the caller some names and told him to go fuck himself. Vince asked Eric how many times he's told Howard he doesn't need him. He does need him. Eric and Vince went back and forth for a minute but Howard cut Vince off saying he thinks that he's gotten out his point.
Johnny was joking around about the dog cage on the car thing they talked about and how he can picture Eric on a car. Johnny said that everyone has fantasies. He said it's not the worst thing you can think of. Johnny said they were calling in to wish Howard a happy birthday. Howard thanked them for that. Vince also threw one in since he wasn't thinking about that with Eric on the phone.
Johnny said they were also calling in about the Viper Room thing. Howard said he has to put that off until another time. Eric said ''Oh my god...''
Johnny asked Howard to tell Eric that the Viper Room wants Eric to come there. He said that they're changing the bathrooms there to make them handicap accessible so they want Eric to come and check it out. Howard said he doesn't think Eric is going to be interested in that. Johnny said they're willing to pay him a lot of money. Howard asked how much. Johnny said that it's more than a G. Howard said that Eric should go. All they want Eric to do is cut the ribbon for the new bathroom there. Howard said he should do it. Eric didn't sound interested. Howard asked if it's a trick ribbon or anything like that. Johnny said it's not.
Howard asked Eric why he's not going to do it. Eric said they wanted him to do it during the time he's going to be at In Plain Sight. Johnny said they changed the date. Vince was still on and interrupting and asking about the credit card thing. Eric said he has never seen Johnny's credit card number. Vince asked if Eric has used Howard's name at the Bunny Ranch. Howard said he set that up for him. Eric said he never used his name. Vince said he did use his name after the first time. Howard said there are so many things on the table there. He said that Vince has brought up a lot of things today.
Johnny said there was another threat the other night and he knows that didn't happen. Howard said he didn't know about that. Gary didn't know either. Eric said Shuli knows about it.
Howard said that he wants to get back to the Viper Room gig. He asked if Eric can use scissors. Eric said he can. Johnny said they'd put the ribbon down really low. Howard asked if Eric has to use two hands to use scissors. Eric asked Howard to get rid of that dumb ass Vince on the phone. Vince said he hopes that they stick him with a he/she next time at the Bunny Ranch.
Howard told Eric he put him on with Vince and he can't separate their calls. He had to leave him on. Howard asked Eric about the scissors thing and if he can use them. Eric said he can use them just fine.
Johnny said he gave Eric an oxygen machine and you can see it on YouTube. Howard asked if he's all set to go to In Plain Sight. Johnny said he is. Vince asked if they can fill his oxygen tank with Helium. Howard said that would be pretty funny.
Eric said that Howard never hears a thank you from him because of dumb fucks like Vince. He said Howard would hear thank you a lot more if he didn't have guys like this on the phone. Howard said Gary is so mad at Eric. He said JD is the one who gets all of the Eric mail and JD said he's no longer forwarding it to Gary. Vince said ''thank god.'' Howard said JD and Gary aren't going to forward anything to Eric from now on.
Gary said that Eric yelled at him for sending him that Viper Room gig and now he's going to do it. Howard said if Gary didn't send it to Eric then he wouldn't be doing it. Eric tried to do a joke about Gary but Gary cut him off saying his jokes aren't funny. Gary asked Eric if he thinks that he should apologize for what he said to him.
Vince kept going off on Eric and Eric kept telling him to shut up. Howard just let it go on. Eric said he's sorry about what he said to Gary. Eric said that if Vince doesn't shut up he will get someone after his ass. Gary came in and said that he does accept Eric's apology and he may forward his emails to him.
Gary said that Eric sent an email to Johnny about how this was going to be his year and he was going to help pay off his parents house and stuff like that. He said that's the first time he's seen anything like that from him. He said it makes him feel bad for him. Gary said Eric was saying that Johnny has done a lot for him and he was thanking him for that. Gary said he saw a different side of Eric today.
Johnny said that he wanted to thank them for the Viper Room gig. Howard said he wants to hear that from Eric himself. Eric said he's sorry for the email between him and Gary. Vince told them not to be fooled by this faggot cock sucker. Vince told him to come find him if he doesn't like it.
Howard asked Vince what he's doing. Vince said he's looking for work. Eric said ''Oh gee, what a shock.'' Howard had to wrap up with the call. He wished Eric luck with the job and said he that he hopes Vince can find work too.
Eric said that if he could rewind and not have medical issues he would. He said he's not trying to be difficult. He said he can't help that he needs an oxygen machine.
Howard said he had to let the guys go after that. He said that's the new comedy team of Vince, Eric and Johnny. Robin said she likes that team. She got a lot of laughs from that team.
Howard took a call from a guy who said he wants to defend Eric to Vince. He said that he's jealous of a guy who is reaching out for anything he can get. He said he admires Eric and he has balls and has outlived his life expectancy. He said he thinks that Vince is jealous. He said he doesn't understand why he can go off on a little guy like that. Howard said there are Eric fans out there.
The caller asked if it's true that Bubba might be coming back to Sirius. Howard said he loves Bubba and thinks he's the greatest. Howard said he was emailing Bubba last night actually. The caller cut him off before he could say more. He was talking about how great the On Demand stuff is.
Howard said Bubba is doing well. He said that he'd love to hear the details about his marriage. He said it's mostly career stuff though. Howard said Bubba is trying to work out something but he doesn't want to give out too much info. He said he doesn't know if it's going to happen but he will talk to Tim about it.
Howard said Tim is a funny guy though. He heard a funny story about him. He gained back a lot of the weight that he lost with Robin's help. He said Tim has put on a lot recently and they have this cupcake Wednesday there and it's a big temptation for everyone there. Howard said it's right there in the hall and he has no problem himself. Howard said one of the guys saw Tim walk by the cookies and cupcakes and he palms one and runs into the bathroom and eats it because he's embarrassed. Howard said they were going to do the news story but Tim put the kill on it.
Howard said Tim should just admit it and let them do the story. They can tell he's eating. Gary tried calling him to get him down there. Howard said he's like a woman hiding in the bathroom eating. He said Tim really doesn't have a sense of humor about himself.
Howard said he heard that Tim killed another story about him too. He said that Tim was eating that green drink stuff and there's something going on with the bottles. Robin said they take the bottles back from the place you get them from. Howard said he heard that Tim returns them full. Gary said he heard that too.
Gary told Howard he was talking to Tim's assistant and she told him that they have plenty. Gary said that they are returning them full. Robin said it's expensive stuff to be returning. Gary said Tim isn't there yet.
Howard and Gary talked about Tim and his weight gain. Gary said that Tim had the male equivalent of camel toe when he started to gain weight. He said his pants were too tight and you could see stuff there.
Gary said it seems kind of odd that he's killing the cupcake story. Howard said that is a weird one to kill. Gary said that Tim tries. He said he has that green drink and weights in his office. Howard said that's pretty funny. Gary said he has a setting on the weights so they get heavier. He said he almost bought them off of him.
Howard said that it's pretty cool that you can go there and tell them what you think about their products. Howard said he loves his iPhone but he can't type on it. He said the phone is cool though.
Howard said he heard the iPad 3 is coming out soon. Robin said Dell has a new pad coming out too. Howard said he doesn't care about that. Howard said his photography teacher tried out the Nikon D4 and it's mind blowing to him. Howard said he heard it's really cool.
Gary said last year was all about 3D TVs. This year he thinks it's about internet TV. He said that it's all built into the TV. Howard asked what they think is going to be the next big thing. Howard said he heard that they're going to have a virtual desk. He said he's not sure what it would retail for but it's a whole desk. He said that it's virtual and there are things all over the desk and you can control them all with your hands. He said that you just set your phone down and it starts charging. He said that you can change the color of your desk and things like that.
Gary asked Howard if he's really ready to go paperless. Howard said he is. He only prints stuff out once or twice a month. Gary said he has to print stuff out every night. He said he has to have reminders for himself so he brings in paper. Howard said he could still have paper with a virtual desk. Howard said he thinks that's way cool. Jon Hein said it sounds pretty cool to him too.
Jon said that they let you use all of this stuff at CES. He said that's what's so cool about it. Howard said he heard about the Nikon D4 and then they take it away from you. He said that they don't let you put a SIM card in it or anything like that. Howard said they don't want anyone figuring out how they do the cool stuff.
Gary said he saw a cool 3D thing out there last year but he doesn't think they ever made it. He said they have huge TVs out there too. He said they have things that are like 184 inch TVs. Howard said he has a 105 inch TV. He said he forgets what he paid for it though. Robin said that she's looking for one that big. Howard said it's very difficult to get into an apartment. Robin said she wants it in her house. Howard said they had to bring it in under the elevator. He said the 105 inch is awesome.
Howard said one of the studios sent over a movie to see and he watched it on that TV. He said the movie was ''Haywire'' and it's really good. Howard said the broad is a good looking broad too. Gary asked why he'd go with the big screen and not with a projector. Howard said a projector is a pain in the ass. Howard said Jimmy Kimmel has a big screen like that and he loved it.
Howard said Robin should talk to him about it. He said she never talks to him about it. Jon said they don't make a ton of them because of the shipping issues.
Gary said the fun of CES is the little guys like this guy who had a turntable he was selling for $250,000.
Howard said he heard that Tim is there but he won't come in to talk about the cupcake thing. Howard said he has to get him in there. Gary went out to try and talk him into it.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that the virtual desk he's talking about is actually a Microsoft product. Howard said he saw it in a Mac magazine though. Howard said if it's Microsoft then it won't work. He said once apple makes it then it will work. The caller said that the new one is so responsive that it's getting great reviews. Howard said he needs it to be Apple so it can actually work without waiting 8 hours for it to boot.
Howard asked Gary where Tim is. Gary said he can't find him. He said he's not in the news room, the bathroom or the TV room. Howard said he wants him there. Gary said he'll turn up. Howard asked if he really cares that much about a cupcake. Gary said that he's not sure he even made it up there yet.
Jason said he called Tim's office and Tim answered. Ronnie said that the guy at the front desk guy said he didn't come up yet. Gary said that his phone may have been forwarded to his cell. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said he loves Alanis. He said she had a baby, right. Robin said she did. Howard said that the kid who plays Napoleon Dynamite was up there. Howard said he said he would never be Napoleon again but he was on Jimmy Fallon being Napoleon. Howard said he saw him doing the character and JD really is almost Napoleon Dynamite with his speech pattern and mannerisms. Robin said JD is the one who told her about that movie. She said that she was asking herself if JD knew it was him.
Howard said it really is JD's speech pattern. JD came in and Fred played some Napoleon Dynamite clips. JD said Napoleon is more confrontational. Fred played a longer clip where Napoleon is going off about something and sounds very much like JD. JD said he really did love that movie the first time he saw it.
Howard said he would have loved to have had Jon Heder in there but Gary ran into him and he said he didn't' think his publicist wanted him to do it. Howard said that's a good way of basically saying he doesn't want to do the show.
Howard said another guy that blew them off was Mark Wahlberg. He said that he went out to dinner with Mark and his girlfriend once and it's weird that he didn't want to come in. Gary tried to get him on the show and the publicist said that ''it's not Mark's cup of tea.'' Howard said he heard that he went really religious. Howard said he loves guys that do that. He said the one thing they give up is Howard Stern. Howard said he can't be that bad. Gary said that he likes that you can raise hell for 30 years and then you get into Jesus and it's all erased. Howard said that he wasn't any part of that lifestyle.
Gary said that he wrote a note back to the publicist and said that Mark has done the show 7 times. Gary said that they told him that he's super religious now. Howard said that he did see Mark at Brad Grey's wedding and he should have known something was up.
Howard said he said hi to Brad Pitt at the wedding and he just said hello. He said that he looked high and didn't have much to say. Robin said that he thought he was a big fan of the show. Gary said that was like 17 years ago.
Howard said he doesn't get this Mark Wahlberg thing. He doesn't get why he can't come on the show just because he found religion. Howard said that God must not like the show. They mentioned masturbation being wrong too. Howard said he masturbated last night since Beth wasn't home. He said he was in charge of the dog last night while Beth was gone. He said he has to put the dog out of the room when he does that.
Howard said they sleep with the cats now and Beth told him that they never would do that. Howard said that one of the cats snores. He said that's Leon. He said he loves being with Beth but they might have to put the pets in the other room. He said that sometimes the cat is on the bed when they have sex. He said they don't stick around for that.
Howard said he went to dinner with Wahlberg and saw him at Brad Grey's wedding. He said that they had a line of people walking out at the wedding and he saw Mark there. He was like 2 people ahead of him in line. Howard said that they knew he was there and they didn't even say hi. He said he didn't want to look like a douche running up and saying hi. Howard said maybe they had to run over and do their tithing at church instead.
Gary said he was out in Los Angeles once when they were doing shows there and he saw Mark Wahlberg going out with his entourage when he was like 16. He said he asked if he was going out and Mark said ''I gots to go out and see the girlies.'' Howard said that he should remember his friends who were his friends when he wasn't on top.
Lisa said it's hard. Howard said it's so nothing. Lisa said that she met the guy who discovered the fat gene and you either have it or you don't. Howard said it's ridiculous that he's hiding while he eats. Lisa said that fat people are hungry all the time. Howard said everyone is like that. Lisa said Howard doesn't have the fat gene. Howard said he does have it and he has to work really hard to stay thin. He said it's not easy.
Gary told Howard he's on the line with Tim now and Tim is very upset. Howard told him to tell Tim it's going to get worse if he doesn't come in there. Gary was telling him that. Howard said that he just wants to help Tim out. Gary said Tim doesn't want to be his punching bag. Howard said he's not going to be.
Gary said that Tim is genuinely upset. Howard said now he's uncomfortable. He said that he wants Tim in there or he'll revoke his bathroom privileges. Tim showed up a few seconds later.
Howard asked Tim what the deal is. Tim said he doesn't want to be a punching bag. Howard said Tim gained a lot of weight back. Tim said it's 25 pounds. Howard told him he doesn't have to hide to eat. Tim said that's not true. He said he will grab a cookie once in a while. He doesn't hide. He said he doesn't eat cupcakes either. He said that it's the cookies that he eats. He said everyone embellishes things around there. He said it's just bullshit.
Howard asked Tim if he's returning his green drink bottles full. Tim said that part of the story was true. Howard said Tim is a dude and he's yo-yoing with his weight. He told him to stop being a pussy hiding out there. Tim said that he's doing what he can. Lisa said that he lives near her and he can go running with her if he wants. Howard said Lisa eats like a bird. Lisa said she eats all day long but it's small things. Howard said she eats like a squirrel. Lisa said she has about 10 pounds of food she brings in to eat throughout the day. She ran down the list of stuff she eats.
Howard asked Lisa if she eats all of that in one day. Lisa said she eats all day long but it's small portions. Howard said that's why she shits at work. He said she's going to end up shitting 2 or 3 times if she's taking flaxseed. Lisa said she just started that. Howard said Beth doesn't shit much. She only goes a couple of times a month. Robin said that is not good for you. She said that it can cause colon cancer and things. Howard said that his mother told Beth that she was constipated and she learned through people that flaxseed oil was terrific. He said that she takes it once a day and her movements are regular. Howard said that his mom is so proper when she talks. Howard said that she has very even movements from what he's heard. Howard said he predicts that Lisa will have 2 shits a day now. Howard said she's super skinny too. He asked how she looks naked. Lisa said she doesn't know. She said she hasn't turned around in about 10 years.
Howard asked if guys turn their head to see her in her bikini. Lisa said she has no idea. She said she walks into the pool backwards.
Lisa got to her news preview and said that Joey Boots is down at Zuccotti park again. She said that he was detained down there and they'll have more on that throughout the day.
Lisa said that Robin is struggling with her organizational skills again. She lost another security card to get into the building again. Robin said she put it away when they were on vacation and she forgot where she put it. Robin said she didn't want to lose it on vacation but she lost it putting it away.
Howard said he puts the card in the same place in his bag every day. Robin said she does that too but she doesn't take it on vacation. Howard said she has to get a different bag for vacation. Robin said she actually didn't take that bag on vacation but she moved the pass before she went anyway.
Lisa said that Gary's son has blocked him on Twitter. Howard said no kid wants their dad seeing them on Twitter. Howard said Gary is fucking nuts. Howard said his kids block him on Facebook. He said he thinks their mom is on there though. Howard said it's better that they keep him off. He said Gary is too caught up in all of this.
Howard asked if it's Lucas or Jackson. Gary said that it's Jackson. He said he has all of Lucas' passwords for everything online. He said that Jackson is on his way to college this year so he lets him do what he wants. He said that you think that your kids think you're cool but then you find out that you're not that cool. He said he gets it though. He said that his son just blocked him. He said he knew that he had a Twitter account so he followed him and then he found out that it's blocked. He said that it's just his son goofing around with his friends. He said he gets it though. He said his son follows him though so maybe he should block him. Howard said he should.
Howard asked if Mary is allowed to follow him. Gary said he doesn't think she cares about any of that stuff. Howard said he told Beth to check out Twitter and now she's on all the time. He said that she didn't want to admit that it was him that recommended it to her. He said he's not sure why that is.
Lisa said that Jason and Will will be doing another Page 69 and talking about how Richard went home early to take care of his pet guinea pig recently. The guinea pig ended up dying.
Howard said that Richard used to jerk off to audio tapes when he was younger and he wanted to hear what they were like. Howard said he heard them and all you can hear is the guys. He said that there is a woman on the tape but all you hear are the guys. He said the tapes are kind of weird.
Howard said he had the clips of the porn stuff. He played one where you hear the guy telling the woman to suck him off and he's talking through the whole thing. It's a guy with a southern accent and it's just comical. Howard asked Richard how he beats off to a dude like that. Richard said you want to imagine you're that guy. Richard said that the cassette had like Peter North and some hot chick on the cover but that's not what it sounds like. Howard said that the guy in the tape sounds kind of like Herman Cain. Howard played more of the audio and got some laughs out of that.
Howard said he couldn't beat off to this if it was the last thing on earth. Richard said he used to wear a Walkman to listen to the cassettes. He said that the whole thing was a whole story so he just pulled a few clips for Howard. Howard replayed one of the clips where this ''Shaft Man'' was talking to the woman about why they call him Shaft Man. Howard asked if Richard ever puts on that accent and talks to his woman like that. Richard joked around about that for a few seconds.
Howard asked Richard if he talks to his pets in a baby voice. Richard did a voice that was kind of a baby voice. Howard said Beth does that but she has no inhibitions. Howard said he talks to the pets but he talks to them like an adult. He said maybe he should put on a voice. Howard said that Beth heard him talking to the dog and she asked if that's how he talks to them. Howard said that he does talk to them in a regular voice. Howard said that's the way his dad talked to him when he was a toddler. Howard said he didn't put on any voices. Howard said he just talks to his pets like that.
Lisa said that Superfan Roundtable is moving to Wednesday night at 7 and the Intern Show is moving to Thursday night at 7. They went to break after that.
Howard came back and said the new Van Halen sounds good. He said he heard it on the internet but now he's hearing it again and he's liking it. Fred said he feels the same way. He said he saw the video and thought it was stupid but he likes this now that he's just listening. Howard said he's giving it a thumbs up. He said he doesn't normally like bands that come back after being popular in the 80s but he likes this one. Howard said they are entertaining those Van Halen boys. He said the fighting is funny. Howard said Eddie's guitar sounds good too.
Howard said that Dave Attell is there. He said he loves that guy. He said he's hosting the AVN Awards. Howard said Dave has a new look now. Robin said he has a pony tail or something back there. Howard said he has grown out some hair back there. Howard had him turn around so he could check it out. Dave said he is a Tom boy.
Dave said he thinks he had a little nervous breakdown and he grew it after that. He said he's 46 now and he's stopped drinking. Dave said that he's just old and he was shitting blood. Dave said he felt like letting his hair down so he let his pony tail out.
Howard said he thinks that Dave isn't a bad looking guy. Dave asked if this is the new Howard. He said that he's letting him down easy. Howard said he's not a woman but he doesn't seem like a bad looking man. He said he thinks Dave is good looking. Dave thanked him for that. He told him to tweet that out for him. Howard asked if he's going for the Gallagher look. Dave said it's a cross between Gallagher and Carlin.
Dave told Howard he's just about broke even though he's working like an illegal alien. Dave told Howard he's doing this ''Dave's Old Porn'' show for Showtime. Howard said he's seen it actually. Dave said that they bring out the big names in comedy to watch porn with him. He said that they watch the old porn and then bring out the icons of the era. He said that they've had Ron Jeremy and guys like that on the show. He said they're the older porn stars from the days when it was retro and hairy.
Dave said he did the show with Showtime and they didn't censor it. He said it's expensive to do the shows though. He said that it was in their late night block and he put up his own money. He said it went over budget though so he had to put his own money out there. Howard said that you should never put up your own money. Dave said he's right. He said he had never produced a show before though so he wanted to do it.
Howard asked Dave if his management told him not to do it. Dave said it took a week to shoot and a year to edit. He said that they had to line up the old porn with the comments and put it together in a funny way. Dave said he's broke from that. Howard said he's spent a lot of time on the road and he's got a great stand-up act. He said that makes him sad to hear. Dave said he's turning 47 next week. Howard asked if he has an apartment. Dave said that he has to get back to the shelter for the morning mass.
Howard asked if he's living paycheck to paycheck. Dave said he is. He said he has some big gigs coming up and he's doing the AVN awards. Dave said that the adult film stars are embracing the show and he's hoping that they'll pick it up for another season. He said he hopes they'll put some money into it too. Dave said he's no expert on retro porn but he hopes there are people out there that will go with it.
Howard asked Gary if he had any money for Dave to play a game for. Gary said they had a game but no money. Howard asked if he's doing okay on the road with his comedy shows. Dave said things are tough with the economy the way it is. Howard said that people aren't going out as much and it's kind of sad.
Dave said that when he heard Howard was going to do the America's Got Talent show he didn't think it would be a good fit. He said he thought about it and now he thinks that it's a good fit. He said he thinks that it's a win for Howard because he must get some back end deal. Howard said he doesn't. He said it really doesn't work like that. Howard said he likes the show and he enjoyed watching it and he wants to do the judging. He said that it's a big shot at being in show business for the contestants. Howard said Dave should audition. Dave said that his act is filthy dirty and he's not going to change that.
Dave said that he's not going to change for the politically correct people. Howard said there is some good money on the show so he should try out. Howard said he has zero idea how the whole thing works. He said Howie was supposed to call him and tell him the way it works. He never called. Dave said he may never call. Howard said he's supposed to have a conversation today about traveling for the audition shows. He said he had one meeting with them and he has no idea what to expect at this point. Howard said he doesn't even know his hours. He said he had no idea.
Dave said they must have a couple of hours for hair and make up. Then they must have a meeting or something. Howard said he doesn't know how it's going to work. He said that he knows they have 7 shows they do before the live shows. He said he has to go to L.A., San Francisco, St. Louis and Austin, Texas. He said there are some other places he can't remember. He said he's going to be working long days. He said they work like 12 hour days. He said that you kind of just hang out between acts though so he thinks he'll be fine.
Howard said that Dave hosted the Gong Show. Dave said he did but he's broke again. He asked Howard if he and Howie and Sharon will be selling stuff in the lobby after the show. Howard said he thinks Howie does. Dave said that he had a hat for Howard. He said that he sells his stuff in the lobby. He said he's selling all of this stuff on his web site too. He mentioned DavesOldPorn.com
Howard asked Dave if he really sells this stuff after his show. Dave said he does. He said that there are guys who bring someone to help but they end up getting ripped off. Dave said that he will ask his opener to do it for him instead. Dave said that he tried doing that and they'd just say ''Want a DVD?'' Dave said he has to do it himself so he can meet the fans. He said he doesn't handle the money. He said that he asks the club to handle the money part of it. He said he'll sign the stuff after they buy it.
Dave said that Larry the Cable Guy is great at selling merch. He said that he sells all kinds of weird stuff to his audience because he knows his audience. He said Dane Cook was a big one too. Howard said maybe he should sell Dane Cook merch at his gigs. Dave said that's a good idea. He said that's the kind of guy he should be on America's Got Talent.
Howard said that people think he's going to be the hard ass on America's Got Talent. He said he thinks that's expected of him but he's really not sure how he's going to handle it. He said he's just going to be honest. He said he'll tell people that the business isn't for them if they don't have talent.
Howard said that he was talking to the guys at the show and they're afraid that he's not going to like anyone. He said that he's going to sit there and be honest. That's it.
Dave said that Howard isn't an 8 o'clock kind of guy. Howard said he will be for this show. Dave said he's going to have to say ''heck'' and ''gosh'' during that show. Howard said he can do it. He said he's taking this very seriously. Dave said he's thinking it's going to be a problem. Howard said he's going to have to see how things go but he thinks that he'll be able to tell people they're just not good.
Howard said that they had a woman on the show who did impressions but she had no material. Howard said he's going to tell people like that they have to get some material and they have no business being there if they don't have material.
Dave asked Howard what he's going to do when someone with no arms or legs comes out and says they're playing the kazoo with their holes. Howard said he won't cry. He can't imagine doing that. Robin asked what he'd do if Susan Boyle came out. Dave said he'd say ''Nice job Sir.'' Howard said he'd tell her that she's a mess and she shouldn't try to clean herself up. Howard said that he's going to be honest. He promises that.
Dave said as long as he does what he does then his fans will love it. He said if he network's it up then the fans will hate it. Howard said what he will not do is be mean for the sake of being mean. He said he's not going to calculate how mean he should be. He said if they're good he'll tell them and move on. He said he has good ideas.
Howard said he likes magic acts so if a magician comes on maybe he'll like them. Dave found it hard to believe that Howard likes magicians. Dave said he has to take that back after Howard explained what he likes. Dave said he will DVR the show but he can't promise that he'll watch.
Dave told Howard that he liked the SNL years special they ran. Howard said he can't believe that he never made it on camera. Dave said he's ugly, that's why. Howard said they have ugly people on camera. Howard asked if he tried to get on camera. Dave said he auditioned to be on the cast but he just got hired to be a writer. Dave said that he just talked to Jay Mohr who he shared an office with over there. Dave said that he's not disappointed at all.
Dave said he's not looking to get into acting. Howard said he was in Funny People though. Dave said that it's not as fun as it used to be in comedy. He said that the working out of jokes is over now. He said that there are some guys who are great in comedy and we've never lived in a better time for comedy. He said that Louis CK is great and he did that thing with the DVD material for 5 bucks and that was great.
Dave said that he has Twitter but he doesn't really use it for anything other than his porn show. Howard said he has thought about tweeting out something funny and he saves it for his radio show. Dave said he's going to have to tweet stuff out when he's on this NBC show. Howard said he will not. Dave said his fan base is going to want to know what he had for dinner and stuff. Howard said he has gotten into the tabloids lately and the stories are all bullshit.
Dave asked if Howard was at the Jay-Z and Beyonce birth. Howard said people have to realize that Jay-Z is rich but people are sending them expensive gifts. Howard wondered if he should send one too so he can get something in return. Dave said he thinks it's cool that they took over the whole floor of the hospital.
Howard asked Dave about his smoking and if that's going to stop. Dave said he gave up the drinking. He said that he and Doug Stanhope talk about how they breathe like a seal coming up out of the ice.
Howard asked Dave if he would be upset if he found out he had lung cancer. Dave said he has this thing about just living hard. He said it's hard to tell that to people who take care of themselves. He said behind the smoking is a lot of hate. Dave said they lost Patrice O'Neal recently. Howard cut him off and said that Patrice was great on the show but he got mad at him and stopped coming in. Howard said he was talking about Patrice one day and forgot what his name was. He asked Gary what his name was and said he's a heavy set black guy. Patrice took offense at that and he stopped doing the show because of that comment. Howard said he had trouble remembering his name and he has trouble remembering Fred's name sometimes.
Dave said that's the great thing about Patrice. He would walk away if he didn't like something. He walked away from TV shows and deals. He said the guy was really funny. Dave said that they had a lot of great comedians talking about Patrice at the funeral. Howard asked if there's a pecking order of comics there. Howard said that Gary has said to him that if he dies tomorrow then Joan Rivers would get seated in front of someone like David Arquette. Dave said if he dies after the first season on America's Got Talent then he's going to have to separate the unicycles from other people.
Howard asked if Chris Rock was sitting more up front than he was. Dave said he was but he thinks he got there earlier. Dave said that Dane Cook was there. Dave said that he was right in front of Artie and they were looking at each other like they couldn't believe they were there. Dave said that Colin Quinn was great. He said that he did a great eulogy for him and he's like their leader. He said the preacher was more for the family and he was kind of doing a Tyler Perry kind of thing for the family. He said the white guys there looked out of place. Dave said there will never be another guy like Patrice. Howard said he really was a great guy.
Howard said Dave is going to be hosting the AVN awards. Dave is hosting with Bree Olsen and Sunny Leone. Howard asked if he gets laid there. Dave said that he just does the show and he'll run into a couple of the porn stars at the food court but that's about it. Dave said unlike other award shows these people are working all weekend. He said they sell merch there at the event and they're exhausted so they just want to party. Dave said that you don't see that at the Oscar's. He said you don't see Annette Benning signing autographs out in the lobby.
Howard said the problem with the AVN awards is that they want to be taken seriously but they can't take them serious. He said that they get upset if you goof on them. Dave said he hosted in 2010 and the girls all look gorgeous. He said that the cool thing is that they all thank their moms. He said that's great even if they're thanking them during their best double anal award.
Dave said he has a joke about the facial and he told it at the show in 2010 and they groaned. It was about how some girls turn their head and take it in the back of the head so they call it The Lincoln. He said they groaned at that so he asked if it was too soon.
Howard asked Dave if he has a girlfriend. Dave said he's single. Howard asked when he last got laid. Dave said he has no idea. He said he's just been watching porn. Howard asked if it's been over a year. Dave said it has. He said he doesn't care anymore. Dave said that he hates himself and it's so over. He said he doesn't care how he looks. He said he doesn't care about girls or anything. He said that if the girls don't buy a hat or t-shirt at his show he doesn't care about them. Dave said all he cares about is getting his show back on the air.
Dave said he heard that Benjy hooked up with a hot chick. They showed him a picture of her. Dave said they look great together. He asked if it was taken at the Heeb magazine party or something. Dave didn't believe that she was Jewish. Howard said he met her on J-Date.
Howard said that Dave wants a dog and that's something that could happen easy enough. Dave said it's not that easy when you're on the road. Dave said his mom ended up having an accident when he was going to do the Charlie Sheen roast. He said that he lost out on the money for that. Howard said he has a shitty story and he'd have to put him through on America's Got Talent.
Howard asked Dave if he misses being with a woman. Dave said that he goes through that old porn and he has no desire.
Howard told Dave about the guy who won America's Got Talent last year. He said that the guy had a crappy job but he sings like Frank Sinatra. Howard said it seems like a novelty act to him. He said that he didn't want to see that on the show. He felt it was a novelty act but he won. Howard said that he wouldn't have put him through on the show. He said he would have said that he was a little boring. Howard said that it would have been the same if the guy was white. Howard said he was at work and he ran into the guy. He said he was the nicest guy ever. He said it is difficult to tell them that they're not happening. He said that's why he needs to be sequestered from the contestants.
Dave said he knows he wants him out of there but he has more stories. Howard said he has commercial breaks so that's why he's checking the clock. Dave said Howard seems very happy. Howard said he's in therapy a lot. He said he loves his wife, his dog and his cats but he does walk around depressed a lot. Dave asked if he's going to be more or less depressed with Howie Mandel being around. Howard said he likes Howie. He said that he's too lax on America's Got Talent. He said he has to stop letting so many shitty acts through. He said he'll straighten him out with that.
Howard said he's sad that Dave is single. Dave said he thinks that he's going to find someone and marry them before the next time he's on. He said maybe Benjy will hook him up through this J-Date thing.
Howard told Benjy to show Dave some of the other pictures of Elisa. Benjy said he'd try to find them. Dave said that he dated Sarah Silverman and wondered if she's still Jewish.
Dave saw more of the pictures that Benjy had of Elisa. Dave said she was doing housework in that picture and she's Jewish. He found out that Benjy is living with her too. Dave said he had to high five Benjy for that.
Howard asked Dave if Sarah is the last person he had a long term relationship with. Dave said he's had other relationships but it's hard to have one when you're a comic. He said that it takes a lot of work to just be good. He said that it's hard going on other radio shows. He said that Howard is easy to do. Dave said he has a lot of Robin walking out of her booth. He noticed her leaving. Howard said she's just going to get the news.
Dave asked Robin where she went. Howard said he told him she had to get the news. Dave said it was kind of weird when she just walked out. Robin said she had to get it in. Dave didn't seem to believe her.
Howard took a call from this guy Tommy who said he saw Jennifer Hudson on a magazine cover and she's lost weight. He asked how long it'll be before she's fat again. Howard said he saw the commercial and she's really a fat woman who will come back. He said he gives her 100 percent odds that she'll gain it all back. Dave said she's beautiful fat and thin though. Howard said she could stand to lose a few more pounds. Dave said that will get Howard in trouble saying that. Tommy wished Howard a Happy Birthday since it's coming up tomorrow. Dave said he's a Capricorn just like he is. He said that's the worst sign too. Howard said it's not the worst. He said he worked with a guy who said that they had the best birth sign. He said this guy was Israeli and everything he had was the best.
Tommy asked Dave if he talked to Artie at all at the wake. Dave said he did and Artie is doing great. He said he has his own show with Nick Di Paolo and they're going to be doing a show together at the Borgata this month. Dave said he saw Artie at the Comedy Cellar recently and he's got some really funny stuff. He said Artie doesn't think this is that funny. Dave said that this is going to be a great show too. He said this is the final round up. He said it's him, Doug Stanhope, Jim Norton and Artie. Howard said Stanhope is the dirtiest of the bunch. Dave said he really is. He said he's a great merch person too.
Dave said that Doug Stanhope has Bingo doing the merch for him. She's nuts and that's who you want handling the money. Howard said Bingo was on the show once and she told them that she had banged some driving instructor or something and Doug didn't know or care about it. Dave said Doug is hard core. He said he's the best comic he knows too.
Howard asked Dave about sitting in front of Artie at Patrice's funeral. That must mean he's more important. Dave laughed. He said that as soon as he and Artie got out of there they started smoking. He said they'll be in coffins soon too.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Dave is really funny and he had that show where he drank all the time. That was called Insomniac. Dave said people call it ''Up All Night'' but that's not it. the caller asked why Dave doesn't sit in the Artie Chair. Dave said the chair is cursed. Howard said everyone who has sat there has committed suicide in one way or another.
Dave said that he loves when they bring in guys like George Takei. He said that now that Howard is on America's Got Talent maybe guys like Piers Morgan will sit in too.
Howard gave Doug some plugs for his AVN Awards hosting and for Dave's Old Porn on Showtime. That's available On Demand right now. Dave said that Howard has been a big inspiration for him. Howard thanked him for that. He gave him a plug for DavesOldPorn.com too.
Howard said he hopes that Dave finds a woman. Dave said that he wants Benjy to find someone. He asked if Elisa has any friends. Benjy said that she does have some hot friends. Dave said that he has to get something going soon. He said he's in his Lipitor years now. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard came back and said that he had Jillian Barberie on the phone to say happy birthday to him. Jillian said that Howard is the one who got away. Howard said she's said that she would have fucked him back in the day. He said that he was just starting to date Beth at the time though. He said he's heard stories about Jillian and he thinks that she would have rocked his world. Howard said she let a guy hold a gun to her head. She said that was her husband and she got into so much trouble for telling that story. Jillian said that she's open to a lot with him because she loves him so much.
Jillian said that she's friends with Suzanna Melendez and they talk about that whole thing and how Howard never puts out that kind of attitude. Jillian said that she's really not that wild either. She said she goes home after work and has no life.
Howard said he figures she likes to walk around naked and she'd lick a guy's asshole and stuff like that. Jillian laughed. Howard said he figures that she'll do anything. She said she does like to please her man. Howard said no woman has ever gone out of their way to super please him. He said that he does love having sex with Beth though. Jillian said that her daughter really likes Beth. She said that she's so sparkly and bright and pretty. Howard said little kids love Beth.
Howard said he thinks that Jillian would dive right into his ass if he had sex with her. Jillian said that her feelings for Howard have grown even stronger. She said she's glad he's going to be on America's Got Talent.
Howard asked Jillian if he was unhappy in his marriage... Jillian cut him off and told him to have some babies with Beth because she thinks she wants some. Howard said if he was unhappy, which they're not, and he was at a party with her. He said that maybe Jillian could ask him to have sex and they'd do it without anyone finding out. Jillian said she might do that. She said if he wasn't happy then she wouldn't want him in a marriage. Jillian said she didn't know that Howard was on such a rampage back before Beth. Howard said that he really was.
Howard said he thinks that Jillian is really there to please a man. Jillian said she is there to please. Howard asked what she's wearing today on her show. Jillian said that she has something nice picked out. Howard said he likes the outfits that she wears. Howard asked if she has to pay for that stuff. She said she does. Howard said he does too for America's Got Talent. He said Ralph was shocked by that but he doesn't mind it. Jillian said she doesn't mind it either.
Jillian said she can't take free clothes anyway. They say that it's a conflict of interest to do that. Howard said that she can only wear that stuff once then. She said she can wear it more than once, fuck it.
Jillian told Howard that she thinks he looks better than ever. Howard told her to just wait until she sees him on America's Got Talent. Howard said that he told Scott DePace to call them down there and talk to them about how to light him.
Howard asked Jillian if she still wears a bikini. Jillian said she does and she's got no stretch marks or anything. She said she's been very lucky. Howard asked if she would freak out if he took nude pictures of her if he was her boyfriend. She said of course not.
Jillian said that she talked to Dax Sheppard about taking shots of him and Kristen Bell. Howard said that he would do that for Jillian and her husband too. Howard said that her latest Twitter picture is of her daughter and husband. Howard said he's pretty sure anyone following her doesn't want to see that.
Howard asked Jillian how far her worship goes. Jillian said she will defend Howard if she hears someone talking about him. Howard said he's wondering how that would translate sexually. Jillian told him to use his imagination.
Howard asked if she'd give him one of her kidneys if he needed one. Jillian said she probably would. Howard thanked her for calling in and she wished him a happy birthday again. Howard gave her a plug for her Good Day L.A. show.
Howard said that was very nice. He said Robin should be more like that. They had to take a break after that.
Howard asked if it's true that Robin ran into Jim Florentine in the kitchen yesterday. Robin said she did and it was kind of awkward. Howard asked if they made out. Robin jokingly said they fell into a corner. Howard said that he was inside of her. Robin said she knows but she's a different person now. She said that she doesn't even know the person who did that. Howard said he wishes he had been there for that. Howard asked if he showed her pictures of his kid. Robin said that she's not sure how that even happened with Jim. Howard said he's done that. He said that he thinks about the relationships he had and wondered how they happened. Robin said she doesn't regret it at all. She's just not sure how the whole thing happened. Fred did his Jim Florentine impression for a few seconds after that.
Jon ran down some more subjects for today's show. Then Mutt called in with his Superfan Roundtable preview. They're going to be on Wednesday nights from now on. Mutt said they'll talk about weight loss on the show and about Eric the Midget. He said they'll also talk about Howard only eating fish now. Howard said he's just trying that out.
Howard asked Mutt if he's back up with that horrible web site of his. Mutt said they are back up and they're trying to learn the new tools they have to work with. Howard let Mutt go after that.
Robin started her news with a story about Nick Cannon going home from the hospital. Mariah has tweeted that they're back home and exited about the new year. Howard said he thinks they'll have nick on next week. He said that he should really cut back on work if he's falling apart like that.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and said that she read in the Daily News about Mark Wahlberg who is a born again Christian. She said that Howard should tell people like that to go fuck themselves. Howard had to hang up on Mariann because he had no idea where she was going with that.
Robin said there's a new Microsoft app called ''Avoid Ghetto'' and people are wondering if it's racist. Howard said that's called life preservation. Robin said it's sort of like labeling and it's not necessarily a ghetto if it's just high crime.
Robin read about George Lucas being on the Daily Show the other night and saying he had trouble getting money to make his new film ''Red Tails.'' George claims that it's because the cast is all black. Howard said that black films do well. He said that Tyler Perry guy does well. Howard said Eddie Murphy has done well too. Robin said those are low budget though. Robin said that Cuba Gooding Jr. is in this new movie. Robin read some details about that. Howard did a live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about how a study found that marijuana smoking doesn't damage lungs like cigarettes does. Jason came in and said that they think that the THC in the pot keeps the lungs from expanding like tobacco does. Jason said that they say that it can actually build up lung muscles from holding your breath a long time. Robin said they say only the heaviest smokers see a decrease in lung function. Howard asked how much Jason smokes. He said he smokes one joint a day or so. He said he does it at night. Robin said they say that they define heavy smokers as people who smoke more than 20 joints a months. Jason said he loves zoning out in front of the TV after smoking. He said it's the best. Everything is funny. Howard asked if he's ever going to have kids. Jason said not any time soon. He said he goes home and has nothing to deal with and it's the greatest thing ever.
Jason said that he wanted to throw some notes up about Will the other day but he has nothing about him. He said he's got a kid now. Howard said he'd like to know how he's dealing with that but he won't ask now since they're doing the news.
Robin read about how Marc Anthony is saying that Jennifer Lopez needs therapy to figure out why she needs a man in her life constantly. Robin said that Jennifer didn't take up with the guy immediately. robins said she took a break. Howard said he doesn't think it was that long. Robin said they don't know how long it had been over. Howard said he met Marc at Brad Grey's wedding and he seemed very nice to him. He had to do another live commercial after that.
Robin read a story about binge drinkers and a study that was done about that. Robin read some details about that. Howard said he accused Ronnie of that. Ronnie said he denied it. Howard said he'll go with whatever he says. Ronnie walked out and asked someone ''What are you laughin' at!?''
Howard took a call from Mark in Boston who asked if Howard is going to have Ronnie guarding him at America's Got Talent. Howard said he will be on the road with him. He said that he's not sure what they have at the show itself though.
Robin read a story about a young girl who admitted to killing her 9 year old neighbor when she was 15. Robin said she could get life in prison.
Robin read about a kid who is in jail after allegedly killing his father. Robin said that neighbors were worried that he may have been abused. Robin had some audio of some neighbors commenting.
Robin read about Mitt Romney coming out ahead in the New Hampshire primary. Robin had some audio of him talking about how Obama has brought doom and gloom to America. Robin had some audio of Ron Paul being happy with his second place finish.
Howard said Eric the Midget is back on the phone. He wanted to defend himself. Howard picked up but Eric was gone. Howard said he had a long segment today anyway. Howard read a live commercial instead.
Robin read through some more primary news and had a few more clips. Then Gary came in and said there's some news about this guy who wrote the song for St. Elmo's Fire. He said that he has rewritten the song for Tim Tebow. Gary had the song for Howard to play. Howard played it but he didn't get why Gary had him play it. Gary said they all thought it was funny that John Parr woke up to do that song. Howard said he failed this time. He said it wasn't interesting at all.
Howard wondered why Gary interrupted the news with that. Gary said that they thought it was funny in the office. Howard said he heard that Jon Hein and Gary were the only ones who found it interesting. Gary said JD was the one who sent it to him. Howard said he can't even eat his sandwich because he was busy listening to that dumb song. JD said he sent it to Gary because it was an 80s song. JD said Gary told him to put it up immediately. Gary said he thought there was something there.
Robin got back to her news and read about Justin Timberlake being out at CES. He's a part owner of Myspace. Howard said he was still stuck on that Tim Tebow song. He had to try and get back into the show. Robin had some audio of Justin Timberlake talking about a new TV.
Howard asked Gary if Ross was still in the office. Ross was there so Howard asked how he knows Jimmy Fallon. Ross said he worked with him years ago. Howard said Ross was asking him if he wanted to get together with Jimmy and him at dinner. Howard said Ross is all orange from tanning. Gary said he's not as orange as Benjy is. Howard said Benjy is dying his beard and he's got that fake tan on. Gary said Benjy is also wearing lifts today. Howard said Benjy is trying to change himself into a new man. Benjy stood up and Howard said his beard is bizarre looking. He said he should just leave it alone. Gary said that Benjy had jet black hair on his beard and a white patch that was standing out. Howard said he looks like Sir Walter Riley. Howard said maybe he's like Sebastian Cabot. Benjy said it looks good though. Howard said it does not. He said it's too dyed. He said he should go to a professional. Benjy said it's not worth it.
Robin got back to the Justin Timberlake thing and had him talking about this new Myspace TV thing they're doing. Howard said he uses YouTube.
Robin read about Katy Perry and how she's not going to show up at the Golden Globes because of her divorce. Howard said that doesn't make any sense to him. Robin said she must not want to deal with it.
Robin read about how today would have been Clarence Clemens 70th birthday if he had lived. Howard said he was a great guy and he always enjoyed when he stopped by. Howard said Clarence loved Robin too. He played a clip of him sweet talking Robin when he was on one time. Robin said that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will be going out on tour later this year.
Howard asked if he can win an Emmy now that he's going to be on TV. Robin said sure. Howard said he'd like an Emmy. He said Jeff Probst got one. He said he'd love to get one too. He said he'd like to make a speech but he's sure he couldn't keep it serious.
Robin read about another Paterno leaving Penn State. Robin said Jay Paterno is leaving. Robin wrapped up and they ended the show around 10:20am.
Jon asked Jason why he thinks that Tim was so pissed. Jason said Tim's weight bothers him and he hates feeling the way he feels. He said it's nothing new today. He said that he could stand to lose weight and maybe dress differently. Jason said he's a great guy and he does a great job though.
Gary said that it can feel like your own failure if you can't lose weight and keep it off. Jason said he has eyewitnesses who have seen Tim go into the bathroom after grabbing a cookie. Jason said that it's not just one time. He said that he made sure that he asked the three people who saw him do it and they were three separate accounts. He said there is a liar there but he's not sure if it's the 3 sources or Tim.
Jason said if Tim is just walking into the bathroom with a cookie, that's gross. Gary said he's done that. He said he finishes the cookie and then pees. He's not peeing and eating at the same time. Jon said if the sources want to come in and talk about it, they can.
Jon asked Gary about Tim killing the story. He said it seems pretty light to him. Gary said that's what was of funny about it and that's why they didn't want to let it go. Gary said if he had just come in and talked about it then it would have gone away. Jason said he heard that Tim was hiding in Jim McClure's office at one point. Jim said he never saw Tim in his office.
Jon took a call from a guy who said he thinks this story is pretty funny. He said he'd like to know if Robin is ever brought up in this scenario. Gary said no. The caller said that you'd think that she'd be brought up since she's gained a few pounds. Gary said he may have gained a few but no one has told them not to mention it. Jason said that Robin did call Gary out on his double chins. Gary knew he was making shit up just to stir up the shit.
Gary said that they used to give Tom Chiusano a lot of shit at K-Rock and he had to go into sales meetings after that. Jason said that Tom took it out on the sales team.
Jon took another call from a guy who said he added some weight on and it sucks. He said the show is like a reality show though so he's not sure why he'd put the kibosh on that story. Benjy said none of them saw it happen. He said they don't know if Tim is being honest or not. Gary said that's why it's blown up the way it has. He said he should have come in and told them what was really going on.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that Tim eating in the bathroom is gross. Jon said that Gary does that. Gary said it sounded like they were making it seem that Tim was bringing in a whole cupcake. They discussed that for a minute and then went to break.
Jason said that Howard once went off on a woman for calling in and asking to bring her kid down to meet Hulk Hogan on a school day. He said Howard called her the worst parent for wanting to do something like that.
Jon asked Gary if he knew that Attell was broke. Gary said he had no idea. Gary said that he put on a brave face today when he was talking about getting that show on the air. Gary said he's had a lot of TV success too so he's not sure what's going on.
Benjy asked when Dave did this show and why it's not airing. Jon said it sounds like he put more money into the show to keep it going and it's not getting anything out of it. Jon said he did say he's hoping to get another season. Jon said if he's the one putting the money out to do it then that's why he's not making it.
Jason said that Louis CK has a similar deal with his TV show. He said he thinks that he can do whatever he wants with the show but he's handling the whole thing. He said the show is brilliant too. Gary said that Louis CK is very successful but you could also say that anyone else who does that is an idiot for putting their own money into it.
Jon took a call from a guy who said that he thought that Gary's book was really good. He said he doesn't usually like repeats but he did enjoy the SNL special they ran. Gary said he didn't hear the whole thing but he wanted to know if they told the rape story about Will Ferrall. Jon said they did run that.
The caller said that he's tired of hearing Jason on the Wrap Up Show. He said he has a voice made for silent movies. He said he's tired of hearing him rag on JD. The caller said that Jason makes fun of fat people and that's the height of hypocrisy. The caller said that he's monopolizing the show and he's not enjoyable to listen to. They went back and forth about that for a minute.
Gary asked Jason if he gets this on Twitter. Jason said he gets both. He said some people say he sucks and some say they love him on the show. Jason said Jon wants him on the show so that's why he's there.
Gary said that Jason is a genius. He said that he has convinced his wife that she's lucky to have him. Jason said he learned a lot from Stuttering John. They had to go to break a short time later.
Jason said that he blocked his mom on Facebook and then he let his dad on. He said that he accepted his mom and then just stopped using Facebook.
Gary said he has a Facebook request from someone he worked with in the past and he's not sure he wants to add him. He said that he didn't know him that well and he's just letting it sit there. Gary said he unfriended a few people too but they're probably not even aware.
Jon asked Gary about the story he told about his dog licking his ass in bed. Gary said that's not what he said. He said his dog did go to lick his balls but he didn't get there. He said he came close with his nose but he pushed him away.
Jason said that he has two cats and a dog that sleep in bed with them. He said it is a weird thing having sex when you have that going on. Jason said they run right to it when you're exposed. He said his dog is little and he can't jump up on the bed so they have a staircase for him. He said they just knock it over if they don't want him on the bed.
Gary said that his dog whines and scratches at the door if they don't let him in the room. He said he has to let him in or he'll have to paint the door. He said he's had times when the dog will smell something and goes for your area.
Jason said he was jerking off once and his cat came running in from the other room thinking he was playing a game with his hand in his pants. He said he jumped because he didn't expect it.
Gary said he knew a guy who had his dog start to lick his balls and he thought it didn't feel horrible but he did put a stop to it.
The guys spent a minute talking about Richard's porn tapes. They had to end the show a short time later.
Howard asked who was there. Robin said they had a celebrity band there. Howard asked what was up with the loud hum on the headphones. Robin said that's because nothing is working.
Howard said he had a feeling something was going on today. He let out a belch as he was talking about waking up and figuring out what might be happening. He moussed his hair and got ready for the big show. He said he doesn't even know who they're broadcasting to in the audience. Robin said they'll get to that.
Howard said hi to Dee Snider who kept this a secret from him. He said he had to thanks Leslie West and T-Bone Walsh for being there too.
Howard said Ronnie had a flat tire this morning. Robin said that wasn't real. Howard said he almost hopped in his own car to come into work. Howard said Ronnie eventually said he was kidnapping him. He said he had to ask where they were going. He knew they weren't going to the station. Howard said Ronnie pulled up outside and he saw the sign for ''China'' thinking it was the China Club. He said this is kind of embarrassing having a surprise party. Robin said that's what she wanted.
Howard said no one let on about the party. He said this is beautiful. He said he deserves it because he's god's gift to radio. Howard said that he's almost speechless.
Robin told Howard they had to take a break and then they'd get to the guests there. Howard said the best present is that all of his friends are there. He said if he could wish one thing he'd wish that Susan Berzerkawitz would do her Sodomy song for them.
Rodney Dangerfield Calls In. 01/12/04. 7:15am
Rodney Dangerfield called in to wish Howard a happy birthday. Howard wasn't sure it was really Rodney but it was. Howard said he felt like a real dick head because he didn't contact Rodney when he was in the hospital when he was sick. Rodney told him not to worry about it. He said that he's been busy doing all kinds of stuff. He's got a book coming out and stuff like that. Howard told Rodney that he has done it all and thanked him for calling in. After Rodney got off the line Howard talked about how bad he felt for not contacting Rodney when he was sick. He said he's always been cool to him in the past.
Howard got back to his birthday dinner and said that everyone was singing to him when he came into the room. He said he looked around the room and saw Mel Karmazin, Don Buchwald, Stuttering John, Artie... but no Benjy. Benjy was late for the surprise. Howard asked Benjy how he could be late to something like that. Benjy said that he and his girlfriend had to go shopping for nice outfits that day. He swore on his life that they were really doing that. Benjy said they found out on Wednesday that they were invited. Thursday they got his girlfriend a nice outfit. He had to go find his own outfit on Friday. He had other excuses like the fact that Robin gave him the wrong address. Howard told Robin to not invite him to anything like that anymore. He's a bad guest. Howard told Benjy he had 3 days to find a nice outfit. The guys all found his behavior to be kind of odd.
David Letterman Wishes Howard A Happy Birthday. 01/12/04. 7:20am
Robin had to ask Stuttering John and Colin to leave the studio because they had another guest coming in. It was David Letterman, the real David Letterman who actually showed up to wish Howard a happy birthday. Howard said it wasn't ''Evil Dave'' today. Dave came in and said that since Howard was nice enough to come on his show a couple of weeks ago, he figured he owed it to him. He didn't bring Howard a gift or anything because when people do that on his show, it's a waste of time. Dave told Howard that this whole thing wasn't his idea. Howard said he knows Dave hates doing stuff like this and that makes him uncomfortable.
Howard said he really had a good time doing Dave's show last time but it was in a strange way. Dave said they may be doing each other's shows because they just don't care anymore. Howard asked Dave if he was freaked out when he turned 50. Dave said that it's when you hit 55 and start coming up on 60 is when it starts to hit you. Dave also said that he can't believe he's still on TV at this age.
Howard said that he really wants to leave radio at the end of his contract and asked Dave what he thought. Dave said that he might be saying that now but we'll have to see what he's saying in two years. Howard said there were times when he and Dave would talk to each other on the phone and this is the same stuff they'd talk about. They'd both get depressed.
Howard and Robin asked Dave what he thinks about having a baby. He said it's actually kind of fun having his son. He said he didn't know how amusing the baby would be. Dave told Howard that he was already living with his girlfriend before the baby came around. Robin said that the baby's name is Harry Letterman but it's not real until Dave marries the woman. Dave said he was married at one point and he's in no rush to do that again.
Howard talked to Dave about what he's doing about taking care of the baby and all of that. He said that he doesn't have anyone in the house helping out at this point. He said he hasn't had anyone in there yet but he can't say that he never will. Dave said that he's even changing diapers himself. Howard said he never did that stuff because he had to wake up to do the radio show. Dave said that sleep is not imperative for the type of show he does.
Dave told Howard that he's just going to wait to get fired at this point in his career. He said he doesn't care. He also told Howard that he'll never have his girlfriend or baby on his TV show. That led to them talking about Kathie Lee Gifford and how she always put her kids on TV. Howard found out that Kathie Lee doesn't do his show that much anymore so she must be ''off the list'' for Dave's show. Howard said she did Jimmy Kimmel's show so she must be kind of desperate to get on TV.
Howard told Dave that he was making him very uptight. He said he had a good time on Dave's show the last time he did it in November. He said that Dave gave him his first break and had him on his TV show when he was working at WNBC. Howard said that he feels affection for Dave because of what he did for him but it's very awkward. Howard said that he felt that when he did Dave's show in November. Fred started to play sad piano music in the background as Howard was telling Dave this stuff.
Dave asked if Evil Dave was going to call in before he left. Howard said if he knew Dave was coming in he would have had Evil Dave come in as well. Howard had to wrap up the quick interview shortly after that. He thanked Dave for coming in and went to commercial break.
The Birthday Surprises Start Coming. 1/12/01. 6:45am
The first surprise of the morning was actor Geoffrey Rush who starred in the movies ''Shine'' and ''Quills'' who was calling in from Australia. Howard immediately brought up how Geoffrey showed his penis in the movie ''Quills''. He said he was very brave for doing it because he's not very ''large in the pants''.
Howard said he heard that Geoffrey and Mel Gibson lived together for a while one time. Geoffrey said that they did a play together and did live together for a short time. Howard guesses that they had a lot of women back then. Geoffrey just laughed when he said that.
Howard told Geoffrey that it was an honor to have him on the show and thanked him for calling in.
After a commercial break Howard brought up Aaron Spelling's book-on-tape that Gary has been listening to. He played a clip from the tape where Aaron talks about why he won't fly in a plane at all. He said it's because a plane he was supposed to be on while he was in the service crashed and killed everyone on board. He was pulled off the flight because he was in no condition to fly. His parents were informed that he'd been killed because they didn't know he was driving home. When he showed up at his mother's house she fainted. She then asked him to never fly again.
Jackie got Howard a gift and had Anne Marie bring it in for him. Howard thought that Anne Marie was the gift at first. No such luck. Jackie got him a Scrabble game to play. Howard said that was very thoughtful of him and that he'd have him over to play sometime. Howard started talking about what he'd do if Anne Marie really were his gift. He told her that he'd take her shopping for some tight fitting clothes first. Then he'd have dinner and kiss her thighs and chest during the meal. Then he'd bathe her and do some stuff.. and then it would be time for sex.. but just him because she's married. And then he'd call the cops because her husband would be after him by that point.
Benjy also gave Howard a gift of a sketch book and a flashing Jesus picture. Howard said he doesn't sketch so it's a useless gift for him. He said he liked the flashing Jesus though.
Happy 46th Birthday Howard. 1/12/00. 6:05am
A couple of people called in to wish Howard a happy birthday this morning. Dan the Farter called in and blasted the ''Happy Birthday'' song over the phone. Captain Janks also called in to say ''happy birthday'' and also to play a couple of phony phone calls he made. Janks made a call to the Golf Channel and asked some old golfer if he likes Howard's balls. Of course they hung up on him immediately. The old golfer said ''No I don't a few times after the question though. Janks also suggested that Howard play some of the musical performances from past birthday shows. During the rest of the show that's exactly what they did. Janks also made a quick mention about setting up a phony phone call scam for the Larry King show and said you can find more info at CaptainJanks.com.
A Corey Feldman Story. 1/12/98. 7:05am
This guy Bob called in this morning to tell Howard a story about Corey Feldman. Bob claims that he was involved in a hit and run accident with Corey. He said that Corey hit him and left the scene of the accident. Now Bob is suing Corey for injuries he got in the accident. Within a couple of minutes Corey was on the phone to defend himself. Corey told his side of the story and it was a bit different than Bob's. Corey said that he just tapped Bob's car when Bob stopped at a green light. The damage to Bob's car was $800 which isn't much these days. You can do $2000 worth of damage to a car just by backing into a lamp post.. don't ask how I know. Anyway, Bob and Corey argued on the phone for a few minutes about all of this crap and didn't get anywhere with it. Bob went to The National Enquirer with his story and got a fee for it so maybe he's exaggerating a bit. Bob kept insulting Corey's acting ability but it wasn't making him look good. He came off as a real jerk who's just out to make some money off of a very minor accident.
More On Howard's Birthday Party. 01/12/04. 7:00am
Howard said they showed up to this place called Studio 450 and it was very unassuming looking. He said he didn't know that it was going to be a party like it was. Howard said that the first thing he saw was Ratso at the party. He said he figured that it must have been a big party if he was there. Stuttering John said that he heard that Scott the Engineer was upset that he wasn't invited to the party. Robin said there had to be a cut off somewhere. Benjy was bummed as well because he wasn't invited at first. Then he was invited to it last minute. Howard said he heard that Pat Minokia and his girlfriend canceled at the last minute. Howard said that's Pat's thing and they do that a lot to him. That's when Robin invited a couple of other people. Howard said his assistant was upset that she was invited last minute. John said that Benjy didn't know if he should go to the party even after he was invited.
The Real Arnold Schwarzenegger? 01/12/06. 7:20am
Howard took a call from Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger... This time it was supposed to be the real Arnold, not the phony one. Arnold said thanked Howard for having him on even as he was recuperating from a motorcycle accident. George Takei wanted to talk to Arnold about the same sex marriage bill since he didn't get to do that with the fake Arnold earlier in the week. He also explained how he was duped earlier in the week when the Fake Arnold called in.
Arnold told George that the reason he wasn't able to pass the same sex marriage bill was because his hands were tied because of Prop 22. He said that he believes that gay people should be allowed to marry each other and he doesn't want to stop that, but he wasn't able to pass the bill.
Arnold said that if the bill had passed, they would have been the first state to have passed such a bill. Arnold suggested that George should be much more vocal about this. He said that he would like to work with him on this to make it happen. Howard thought that was a good idea and the two of them should work together. George thanked Arnold for calling the show and he's looking forward to working with him in the future... That's when Fake Arnold let George know that he was duped once again. George said he will never again believe that Arnold is calling the show. Howard let Fake Arnold go after Arnold said that they should do this every week. Howard had to take another break after that.
Ashley Dupre Visits. 01/12/10. 8:50am
Howard said Ashley Dupre was there. He had the guys bring her in. Howard said looks aren't her problem. Ashley heard that he said she looked frumpy in the newspaper. Howard said he did say that but Ashley said her mother said that too. Ashley said she's just starting out with the NY Post column so she doesn't have control over that stuff. Howard told her that she has to put her foot down and just dress the way she feels. He said she's young and sexy and she should dress the way she wants.
Howard asked Ashley about her breast implants. She said she did that when she was like 18 and got them too big. She got them redone and now she's a C instead of a B. Howard told her to lose the jacket she had on. She did that for Howard.
Howard asked Ashley about her family giving her shit when the whole Elliot Spitzer thing broke. She said that everyone was upset with her. She said no one knew what she was doing. She said she kind of rebelled in high school too. Howard asked if she would let her teacher see her panties in school. She said that they kind of pushed the boundaries but didn't go that far. She said that she was a cheerleader. Howard said she must have known she had the power over men even back then. She said she really didn't.
Howard asked when she started having sex. She said she was 15. Ashley said they all experimented back then. She said she thinks that 15 might be too young but parents have to teach their kids about this stuff early so they know what to expect.
Howard said this guy Jason Itzler claims he found Ashley and got her into the business. He said he was on the show and told them about how he got her started. Ashley said she was working about three jobs and dating but she was promiscuous. She said that she would go out and drink at the bars in New York and she would meet guys. Howard said he never got to experience that kind of thing. She told Howard that Jason gave her his card and she put it away for a rainy day and that rainy day came.
Howard said Jason claimed Ashley had the nicest looking vagina he's ever seen. Ashley said he never saw it so she's not sure how he would know. Howard said he had a story about how he saw it.
Howard asked Ashley if she ever had a lesbian experience. She said she has. Ashley told Howard about how this one guy had her as a mistress and when his wife found out he had to end it. She said that she relied on him financially. She said she had to go back to escorting. Ashley said she had to pay for this life of her's and she said she figured she'd go find a new place to live. Ashley said she went back to work for a month and a half and that's when the whole Spitzer thing happened.
Howard asked Ashley about the kind of money she was getting. She said she can't talk about what she was making. She said that she had taken 11 months off from doing that escorting thing and she didn't want to get back into it. Howard said Spitzer isn't the best looking guy but he wondered about how she can pretend to like guys like that. Howard asked about him wearing his socks during sex. She said she's not sure where that came from. She said she wasn't sure if it was true or not. Ashley said she's going to save some of that for her book.
Howard asked how she gets turned on to guys that she's not attracted to. She said she thinks of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. She said she really just has to disconnect from the whole thing. Howard asked how she works it up for them though. Ashley said that she will leave if she's not attracted to the guys. Howard said that she cant be attracted to all of the guys. She said you just think of how you have to pay your bills. She said that can help.
Howard asked Ashley about how many guys a week she was doing to make a living. She didn't want to talk about that. Howard asked if she was pressured to do more guys. She said it was never like that. She could do whatever she wanted to do.
Howard asked if she was worried about STDs. She said that she was very naive when she was young and she had run away from home at 17. She said that things were bad at home. She said she just jumped out of her window one night and left. She stayed with some friends in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. She said that she started working when she was 15 and her parents emptied her bank account.
Howard asked Ashley if she was ever raped. She said that she was at one point. She said that it was kind of date rape. She was on drugs and put herself in a situation that she shouldn't have. That was also when she was 17. She said she was doing cocaine and ecstasy. She said she tried to push the guy off of her but he didn't.
Ashley talked about going to this house that she stayed at an then she got raped there and left that place. She went to Miami and ended up in the Girls Gone Wild videos. She said she met Joe Francis while she was doing that. She said she was underage at the time. She said that Joe knew she was underage at the time and threatened to release the video of her. She said she didn't think it was fair.
Howard asked why she won't pose for Playboy. She said that she didn't think it was the amount that Howard thought it was. She said it was also Hustler. She said she didn't want to objectify herself anymore. She said she had to move home with her family for a year and that wasn't good. Ashley said it wasn't a walk in the park.
Ashley said she moved home for a year and her step-father was really upset with her. She said that he deals with his emotions from a distance and that's what he was doing. Howard asked if he had said he wanted to help her out even though she had screwed up, would that have helped. She said that would have been great. She said that she would fall in love with someone who is there for her no matter what. Ashley said that she wants her step-dad to be there for her but it's a really weird situation now.
Howard asked if anyone hugged her and said that they loved her. She said that her mom did and her brother did too. He just got out of rehab.
Howard asked Ashley if she would dress up for her clients. She said she never had that kind of stuff. Howard asked if she kisses. She said she did that. Howard said he thought it was part of the profession to not kiss. She said there might be different stages. Howard said for $4500 she's going to kiss him.
Howard asked Ashley about the kind of guys she was dating and if she ever fell in love with any of them. She said she never did. She said she had regulars who she saw but she didn't fall in love.
Howard said Ashley must have been great in bed. He pictures her as being fantastic. She said her skills may have diminished over the past two years. Howard asked if there were ever any complaints or if anyone demanded their money back. She said ''Never.'' Howard asked if she was rated very high on the web sites she was on. She said she was.
Howard asked Ashley if she told any of her friends about what she was up to. She said no one knew and everyone was shocked by it. She said that everyone knew when the news broke. Howard asked if she called her mom or did her mom call her. She said that her mom called and that's when she knew who he was. She didn't know he was the governor until that happened. Ashley knew that her dreams were going to be shattered after that. Ashley said that she has to try and change that image now that it all came out.
Howard asked if Spitzer has asked her out again since then. She joked that he asked her out to coffee the other day but she said she was kidding.
Howard asked Ashley if anything is off limits when a guy asks her for what he can do to her. She said she was never really in that situation. Howard asked if she had mace on her or what. She said she was very naive and she didn't think about that kind of stuff. She said that all of those things played in her head when she got back into it after taking a year off. Ashley said that all of that went through her head and she had grown up in that year.
Howard asked Ashley if she remembers the first guy she ever did. She said she didn't remember his face. Howard said she must be blocking it out. She said she blocks a lot of stuff out.
Howard asked what she would wear when she'd go to a job. She said she was just wearing whatever she wore in her regular life.
Howard asked Ashley if guys would just talk to her. She said that they would do that for hours at times. Howard said that must have been torture. She said that there were actually guys who just anted to talk and not have sex. Howard asked if she would prefer that or get fucked. She said she likes both actually. Howard said he figured that she'd prefer to just get the hell out after getting fucked.
Howard said it seems like this was like an all you can eat buffet. He asked what she does when she's totally dry and she can't get wet for a guy. She said that she uses lube like she would in a regular relationship. Howard asked if she carried that stuff in her purse. She said she didn't remember. Howard asked what kind of lube is the best. She said Astroglide is the best.
Howard asked Ashley if she knows the true nature of men now or could she fall in love. She said she thinks that she could fall in love. She doesn't think that people communicate anymore and that's a problem.
Howard asked Ashley about going on The View and saying that it was kind of hostile. Ashley said she didn't say that. She figured Howard had read some comments on a blog or something. Howard said that's always bad. He said he read some comments about himself in an article about Jennifer Aniston and they were all about how ugly he is. Ashley said those people can be so mean. She said they're no better than her and they comment on them like they are.
Ashley told Howard that she thinks she may have turned a friend on to Lesbian stuff. She said that they were drinking and they got it on. She said she's only told like one or two other people that story. Ashley said she licked the other girl and she liked it. Howard asked if the other girl told her she had the nicest vagina. Ashley said she didn't do that. She said she thinks she turned that other girl bi-sexual because she did more of that after that.
Howard asked Ashley if she has dated any famous guys. She said she has dated some but not for work. Howard asked how she knows Tiger Woods mistress Rachel. She said she knew her from going to parties out in The Hamptons. She said she hung out with her but that was about it. Howard said he heard she's really sexy. Ashley said that she is very hot. Howard asked if she knew she was with Tiger. She said she didn't know anything so that was a shock to her.
Howard took a call from the guys in the back who were playing Joe Frazier audio clips. They had him asking her unintelligible questions. Howard asked Ashley if that's her real name. She said that her last name was Youmans but she changed that.
Howard gave Ashley some plugs for her column that appears in the NY Post on Sundays. She said that she doesn't make much doing that. She said she's wanted to do that since everything happened so she does it cheap.
Howard said that they had smoking hot pictures of her in the paper and she should do Playboy if they're offering her good money. She said she's not going to do spread eagle stuff. Howard told her to just do it. Howard said he'd stick a salami in his ass if they offered him $2 million. Ashley said she wants to focus on her music. Robin said that wouldn't be interfered with.
Ashley said that she spoke to Donald Trump because he wanted her on Celebrity Apprentice. She said maybe next season.
Gary said they have a guy on the staff who is obsessed with this girl. He said it was JD and he was out staring at the monitor in his office. Howard had JD come in to talk to her. Ashley turned to JD and said hi to him. JD asked how she was. JD said he was very well. Ashley spoke to him for a short time but JD didn't have much to say. He told her she was doing just fine. Howard told him to ask her out. JD said he didn't know what type of guys she was into but he would take her out on a date or something or ''I don't know...'' Howard said she just ran out into Governor Spitzer's arms. Ashley said she would go out for a hot chocolate or something. JD said that's fine.
Ashley said her uncle's friend at work wants an autograph from Howard. She said he was diagnosed with cancer so she wants to help him out. JD said that Ashley has sexy eyes. Robin laughed when she heard that. JD said her eyes are brown but it was just a guess.
Howard told JD to ask her if she likes PlayStation. JD asked if she likes Stanley Kubrick movies. She didn't know of any so she wasn't sure. JD said he'd love to take her to a showing one day after hot chocolate. He said maybe they can go see Avatar in 3D. Howard told him to tell her about Fantasy Football. She said she saw that Ashton Kutcher is into that.
Howard asked Ashley if she would have a whole cup of hot chocolate with JD or run out after a few sips. She seemed like she was really into going out for the hot chocolate.
Howard told Fred to play the techno music that JD is into and told Ashley to dance with him. Howard said JD has some good moves. Ashley asked if he has been watching Jersey Shore. JD said he hates that show. Ashley agreed.
Howard asked Ashley if she's fully shaved. She said she is and couldn't believe she just answered that question. Howard asked if guys demand that. Ashley said they don't demand it.
Howard talked to Ashley about what kind of things guys talk to her about. She said they talk about their family lives and things like that. Guys are looking to just have sex with her because they have families at home and the wives may not have the time to do that kind of stuff.
Vinnie Favale (HereAfterMusical.com) called in and said that he had met Ashley on the bus one morning on the way into the city. Ashley said people were taking pictures and she had to ask them not to do that. Gary said Vinnie sent him a note and said that he used to sit next to her fantasizing that she'd fall asleep and put her head on his shoulder.
Howard said it must have been tough taking the bus every morning like that. Ashley said that there are people who take the bus in every morning and they're established. Like Vinnie. Vinnie said that Ashley's mom is really hot too. He said she was wearing tights one morning and for three weeks she was on the bus every morning. Howard asked why she was going into the city like that. She said she had meetings to go to. She said she met a really nice woman on the bus and she's still friends with her. Vinnie said that could have been him.
Sal called in as a caller and asked if she does ass to mouth and stuff like that. Ashley said she thought that was a regular thing. Howard said they were going to end on that note. He gave her some more plugs and Ashley said you can hear her music on Myspace.
Howard said he's not sure why she was afraid to come on the show. She said she knows Howard doesn't have any boundaries so she was afraid of what they would talk about. Howard asked if she thinks she'd still be working if the Spitzer thing didn't happen. She said that she wasn't sure. She said that she's learned a lot about herself over the past 2 years and this is just her journey. They went to break a short time later.
Howard Receives His Birthday Gifts. 01/12/04. 9:25am
After hearing some more 50th birthday wishes, Howard said that he does not look 50, he looks like he's 30 and bangs like he's 20. He just wants the chicks out there to know that.
Robin told Howard that it was time to bring on the gifts that everyone got him. Robin was going to show him the gifts without telling him who got them for him. Howard had to guess after goofing on the gift. The first gift was a 1939 radio that Howard was impressed with. It cost $350. Howard guessed that Gary got it for him and he was right. He said that it was a very nice gift.
The next gift was a leather bound newspaper from January 12, 1954, the day Howard was born. Howard said he actually liked the gift because he'd like to read about what happened on the day he was born. He said he likes the history part of it. Howard guessed that it was probably $200-$300. He guessed that it was from KC but he was wrong. It was actually from Artie who was relieved that he finally got him a nice gift that he liked. Artie said he tried to get a copy of the NY Times but it wasn't available. Howard gave it a thumbs up.
Next up was an indoor George Foreman grill. Howard said that Beth just got him one of these things for Christmas. He said he might take one for his house and one for the apartment and he will use it. He guessed it was about $100. He was close. It was about $75. Howard guessed that it was Benjy but it was actually KC who got it for him.
Gift D as Robin called it, was a basket full of books and stuff. Howard said that he thought it was from Stuttering John. There were a bunch of books and computer Scrabble. Howard said he wouldn't read most of it and wouldn't play Scrabble on his computer. Howard said it looked like a basket of stuff that someone was tired of. He guessed it was $200, it was $150 and he guessed it was from Stuttering John. He was right about John getting it for him. Howard said he won't read most of the books even though he said he'd like to start reading.
Gift E was a Boston University hockey team shirt. He said he doesn't feel all that good about the university and he never went to a hockey game there. He had no feeling about the gift at all. He said it was terrible and meant nothing. He guessed it was maybe $45. Robin said it was a $75 gift. Howard said it must have been from one of the E! show guys. It turns out it was from Benjy. Howard wasn't impressed.
Gift F was a grilling thermometer fork from Sharper Image. Howard said he owns 2 or 3 of them already. He said it's a good gift that he will use. He said it's about $50 but Robin said it's about $30. It was from Richie from E.
Gift G was a hat. Howard said he's been looking for a hat and this one would not even fit his head. He said it's a horrible hat and it would be thrown in the garbage immediately. Howard guessed it was maybe $50. Robin said it was $25. It was from Doug Goodstein from E!.
Gift H was a bottle of wine from 1954. Howard said it was a very nice gift but he won't drink it if it's in his apartment. He said he'll probably give it to someone else. Howard guessed it was from Tom Chiusano and he was right. The bottle of wine was actually about $250 so Howard said he would probably drink it. Tom told him that it's actually Cognac, not wine. Howard said he might try it.
Howard thanked everyone, even the people who put no thought into their gifts. Fred and Scott the Engineer didn't get Howard anything. Fred said he didn't have time to get anything. He said he wanted to see what everyone else gave him before getting something. He said he was glad he didn't get him a desktop darts set like Stuttering John did. Howard wrapped up the gift segment and took another break after that.
Howard's Mommy Calls In. 1/12/00. 9:35am
Howard's mother Ray called in this morning to wish him a happy birthday. Howard decided to have his mother talk about everything from his conception to his birth so he started to ask her questions. He asked her everything about whether or not his father wore rubbers before they decided to make Howard and stuff like that. Howard also wanted to know if he was planned or if he was a mistake. Mrs. Stern just wanted to talk about his birthday today, not about all of that stuff. Howard did get her to talk a little bit about everything though. She said that Howard was planned and that she wanted to name him Harvey but his father wanted no part of that name. We also learned that there was a miscarriage before Howard was conceived. Howard also wanted to find out what position his parents were in when he was conceived. Ray said that it was in the ''best position'' but wouldn't say exactly which one that is. Then Howard got around to the day he was born in Mt. Sinai hospital. He asked his mother if his penis was tiny back then. She said that it was perfect and she was very satisfied with him. Howard also asked if she said ''Happy Halloween'' when she saw his face. She loved him just the way he was. Howard also asked her where his foreskin is and that he wants it back. Ray said that she has it and it's in her will that he'll get it back. Howard then asked how long it took before his father started yelling at him. Ray said that he never yelled at him. Fred then played some of his childhood tapes where Ben was yelling at Howard to ''shut up, sit down''. Howard told his mommy that she raised what people call the ''worlds worst nightmare'' and told her he loves her. Then his father got on the phone and said a couple of words before he got off the phone. Howard said that he'd honor his father by telling himself to ''Shut up, sit down!'' After Ben was off the phone Howard said that his dad never said ''I love you'' to him.
Madison's Topless Welcome. 01/12/06. 9:20am
Howard had Madison, one of the jocks from Alt Nation and First Wave, come in. She said that she wanted to come in and take her top off for Howard and the guys but she's afraid that she may get fired. Howard heard that Madison visits everyone new there at the company. She has already passed along her demo to them because she would like to work on his channels.
Madison said that she would be willing to go to bed with Howard and Beth if she was guaranteed a job. She also said that she would sniff High Pitch Eric's dirty underwear too. Artie told Howard to scroll down to the part where she says she'll blow him to get the job. Howard asked her if she would lick Benjy's balloon knot to get the job. Madison said she would be willing to do that if she could get the job... and if she could use a nose plug. Howard thought it was kind of unfortunate that she would have to lick Benjy's balloon knot to get the job.
Madison told Howard that she would be willing to wipe Howard's ass after he went doody if she could get her own show. Howard said he's not interested in that though. She would like Howard to play her demo but she has a feeling that he's going to rip it apart. Howard played the clip and liked what he heard in the first few seconds. He told Madison that if she would lick Benjy's balloon knot right there, he'd give her a show tonight, but just for tonight.
Howard asked George Takei to say the term ''balloon knot'' so they could have that clip to use forever. George said it but they actually already had a clip of him saying it. Howard had Madison take lift her top up but her belly wasn't in great shape so Howard told her she might want to work on that. She said she didn't come in to be evaluated. Howard said he was just pointing that out. Madison lifted up her shirt and the guys seemed to be impressed with her boobs. Even George said that they looked good and that the human body is wonderful.
Gary said that Madison's boobs made her stomach look better. She was not willing to show her ass though because she knows that it's not good. Madison put her bra back on and Howard got back to her demo. He said that she might be on to something. Robin wanted to hear more so Howard kept it going. Madison was joking around and talking about her life. We learned that she goes to the shrink every week and is on Prozac and some other drug to keep her stable. She said that it's a low dose though. Howard told her that she should get on a diet and lose 10 pounds and she'd look awesome. She said that she's 5'9'' tall and weighs just 135 pounds so she's really not overweight.
Howard took a call from a woman who went off on Madison for trying to get a job where she tries to do a show like Howard's. Howard took another call from a guy in South Dakota. He told Howard that Madison is great on Alt Nation and thinks that she'd be great at doing her own show on Howard's channel.
Howard wrapped up with Madison and let her go. She told Howard that she was happy to have been the one who welcomed him to the company the right way (by taking her top off).
In the clip Howard took a call from his mom, Ray. He told her there was no birthday show. Ray said she was looking forward to one. Howard said Robin figured it was too much trouble so they didn't do one this year. Howard said that he has to go to the psychologist because he really doesn't enjoy life. He said he's sick too. He was hoping to have a birthday show. He said he's sick and he only came in because he thought there was going to be a birthday show today.
Howard said his mom is ready to take his temperature anally. He said she did that to him until he was 15 years old.
Ray asked if they were going to talk about his birthday. Howard said he would change subjects. Howard said he's 35 year this. He said that his mom was artificially induced so this isn't his real birthday. He said they shot her up with Pitocin so she could shoot him out.
Howard said he didn't wear his big, hoop earring today because he knew that his mom would be at the birthday show. Ray asked if he really has one. Howard said he got one and he didn't tell her he got one. He said she can't handle it for some reason. Ray said she wishes that he'd tell her about these things. Howard said this is his worst nightmare.
Howard said he could care less about his birthday. He said he's 35 and his knees don't work right. Ray said he's doing something wrong then. She said he had perfectly good knees when he was born. Howard said he's a big, big, gawk. Howard said his mom thinks he should live the life of a monk without any jewelry or anything like that. Howard said she thinks he should live the way his dad does with nothing. Howard said he'd like to do what his father does all day... nothing. Ray said he worked hard his whole life. Howard said he loves his mommy and it was 35 years ago today that she artificially induced him into the world. He said she didn't breast feed him either. Ray said she's sorry she called. Howard said he really does love his mommy.
Howard said he has to get ready for his Super Bowl party. Ray said his dad never had a party like that. Howard said she claims she doesn't care but she really does. Ray said that game is a very vicious game and it's from the dark ages. She said it's time that Howard grew up.
Comedian Jon Stewart Comes In. 1/12/99. 8:40am
Comedian Jon Stewart came in to promote a couple of things this morning. Jon has taken over ''The Daily Show'' on Comedy Central as of last night. The original host, Craig Kilborn, left the show to do ''The Late, Late Show'' after David Letterman's show. Jon is also appearing opposite Gillian Anderson in a new movie called ''Playing By Heart'' which opens January 22. Howard pointed out that Jon is also in ''The Faculty'' movie which he loved. That movie is in theaters now. Howard was saying that he thought that Jon was a big star but when he talks to people about him nobody knows who he's talking about. Jon has been a stand-up comedian and had his own show on MTV for a while. Howard was Jon's first guest on that show. Howard said that he read Jon is making $1.5 million on this Comedy Central show now. He's doing alright for a barely known celebrity. Jon said that his first guest last night was Michael J. Fox who has Parkinsons disease. Howard asked him if he talked to Michael about the disease. Jon didn't bring it up. Howard told Jon that he'd have Michael thread a needle if he was his guest. Jon just didn't think it was appropriate to talk about it. After spending time on that subject Howard moved on to Jon's love life. Howard heard rumors that Jon dated actress Lara Flynn Boyle but Jon said he just went to dinner with her one time. Jon said he had more physical contact with Fred Norris on the Gay Dance Party than he ever did with Lara Flynn Boyle. Howard also heard Jon went out with Daisy Fuentes but Jon said that just wasn't true and he doesn't know how that rumor started. He's now dating some woman by the name of Tracy McShane. Howard asked Jon if he did any love scenes with Gillian Anderson in the movie and if he got aroused during them. Jon did do love scenes but claims he didn't get aroused. Howard always thinks actors are either lying or they're gay because he got aroused when he did the bathtub scene in ''Private Parts'' with Melanie Goode. Howard took a bunch of phone calls for Jon before he left. Most of them were positive although one woman mistook Jon for John Lovitz.
In the clip Howard was talking to John Popper from Blues Traveler about what his Grammy winning speech would be if he won. Howard talked to John about who he was up against and then had them perform ''Hook.''
After the song Howard told them how impressed he was with the song. He went down the list of guys in the band and thanked them for performing.
In the clip Howard was asking Gary what he forgot to tell him about someone who was in there. Gary said that he forgot to give him her name. Howard told Gary to just write these things down for him. He said he works with these people but he can't remember everyone's names. Robin was talking to Howard about it and Gary told her to shut the F-up. Howard told him he can't tell her to stop talking. Gary said he's a person and he has feelings. He said he's not being silly about it either. Howard said they were having a discussion about it and that's what the show is about.
Howard told Gary he's going to tell him what's wrong. Gary knew he was going to tell him that he thinks he's a big star now and he's slacking. Howard said that's what it is. Gary said he works really hard for Howard and that's not what's going on. Howard said Gary's job is to grease his way so he can slide through life.
Howard explained that he did a commercial with a woman who works there and he didn't know her name. He said that was remarkable to Gary. Gary said he told him right before the commercial. Howard said he has no memory for stuff like that. Robin said he should know that by now. Howard said he's just asking Gary to write down everyone's names. Gary said he knows everyone is poking at him now. Fred threw in a ''Fafa Fofo'' clip. Jackie was cracking up. Howard said he loves Gary and thinks he's terrific. He said no one else would put up with this. He said he's not sure how to discipline him. Gary said he's there for Howard all the time. He said he'll go out and get his lunch when he needs him to. He said he's there for anything he needs.
Howard had Gary repeat after him and had him talking about how he's no big star. Gary did the repeating and he said he would do whatever his ''boff'' requires of him. Gary said that it was the usual unfairness with 5 against 1 in there. Howard said he just needs him to write down the names of guests for him. They goofed on Gary for a little longer and then went to break.
Rebecca Romijn Calls In For Howard's Birthday. 01/12/05. 8:50am
Howard picked up another phone call and there was a woman singing happy birthday to him. Howard didn't recognize her voice at first. She described herself as his girlfriend on the West Coast. It was Rebecca Romijn. Howard said that John Stamos is in town and he's getting together with him this week. He's going to hear John's side of the story this week. Howard asked Rebecca if it's true that she moved in with Jerry O'Connell. She said that's not true and he can't believe everything he reads in magazines. Jerry was nearby Rebecca this morning though so they are together. Howard asked Rebecca why she went to a Jerry O'Connell after a John Stamos. Rebecca said that Howard doesn't even know him so he can't say that stuff. Howard told her that it's not a move up, if anything, it's a lateral move. Howard would like her to be with someone like him. Rebecca was getting upset about the stuff they were talking about. Howard told her that she should be free and dating a bunch of guys. Rebecca said that she did that and didn't like it. Howard brought up the story that he read about Jerry calling an old girlfriend trying to get back together with her. Rebecca said that story was ridiculous as well and if he wanted to confront him on that, she'd get him on the phone. Howard said you just can't trust guys when it comes to that stuff.
Rebecca asked if Howard's dog Bianca Romijn-Stamos is keeping the Stamos. Howard told her that he's keeping the Stamos and adding ''O'Connell'' to her name. He asked Rebecca if she's going to marry this guy. She said that she's happy now but didn't say anything about marrying him. Artie knows Jerry and said that he's a good guy. He's known him for a long time and said that he's a fun guy to drink with. Howard was still saying that dating Jerry wasn't a good career move. Robin said that maybe she doesn't look at things that way though. Rebecca said that she didn't have a lot of fun while she was doing the casual dating thing and even Howard told her that he didn't have fun doing that. Rebecca said that she dated 4 or 5 guys after leaving John Stamos. Howard asked her who those guys were but she wouldn't say.
Gary came in and asked Rebecca if she ever got a call from David Spade after she left John. She said she didn't get any phone calls but did get e-mail from him. Howard and the guys laughed because they knew that David would try to get her. Howard told Rebecca to put Jerry on the phone so he could ask him about the girlfriend. Howard asked Jerry about getting Rebecca and asked him if she's the best he's ever had. He wouldn't answer directly. Howard asked Jerry about this story of him calling his ex-girlfriend trying to get her back. Jerry said that the story was embarrassing and he didn't want to go there. He swore that it never happened. Howard told Jerry that he can probably get Rebecca to get another girl in bed with him if he wants. Jerry said that's not his bag. Howard asked him how he met Rebecca. Jerry said that he met her years ago at a party and then ran into her again at another party after she left Stamos. Jerry claims that he wasn't in a relationship when he met Rebecca.
Howard asked Jerry if Rebecca is a 10 in bed. Jerry jokingly said that they're waiting for marriage for that. He said he'd hope that they'd get married some day. Howard tried to get some more out of him about that but Jerry put Rebecca back on the line so Howard could bug her about that stuff. Howard asked Rebecca if Jerry is better in bed than John Stamos was. She also joked that they were holding off on that until marriage. Howard figured that she had sex with him the first night she was with him but she swore that she didn't. Rebecca told Howard that she can't wait to see him again and when she's in New York again, she'll see him. Howard thought that she was ignoring him or something. Rebecca says that she and Jerry aren't even near marriage yet so he should stop asking about it. Howard told her that she didn't make for a good wife so she shouldn't get married again. He tried to explain that she's just not ready to be subservient to a man and she should probably wait another 10 years or so before doing it. Howard said he wants to see Rebecca and Jerry together to see just how well they get along. Howard let her go a short time later.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking about how beautiful Rebecca is and how he probably couldn't handle her because she'd be such a handful. He said he's spent time around her and she's just a whirlwind when she's there. He said he probably wouldn't last a second with her sexually. He figures that he'd be curled up in a corner while Rebecca laughed at him for finishing after a second. Howard had to take another break before getting to Robin's news.
Today's This Week in Howard History was over around 11:30am.
Today's Best of the Week was over around 10:40am.