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| Friday | Latest Master Tape Theatre |
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The Intern Beauty Pageant With Judges Snoop Dogg, Ralph, Don Magic Juan And Gary The Retard. 8/22/02. 8:10am
Howard held the latest Intern Beauty Pageant today. It's the last chance they have before the next group of interns come in. Howard spoke to Snoop Dogg about his pot smoking for a few minutes. Snoop said he hasn't smoked in over 22 days now and he said it feels good. Snoop said he wants to get high on life now. He hasn't been drinking either! Howard said he thought it was an imposter or something. Snoop says he's still laid back though. Howard wanted to know what happened that caused him to give it up. Snoop didn't have any reason though. Howard asked him if he's still pimping. He said he hasn't given that up yet.
Howard also spoke to Don ''The Bishop'' Magic Juan who was also in. He's been hanging out with Snoop for a while now and he's impressed with him not smoking or drinking. Robin asked when Snoop thinks all of the drugs will be out of his system. Snoop said it'll probably be two years before that happens.
Gary the Retard was there and had his fake teeth in. Howard said they looked odd but Ralph said he almost looked normal. Ralph told him to take them out. Everyone clapped when that happened. Then they noticed that all of his upper teeth were taken out so they could fit in the fake teeth. Artie joked that he must give good oral (sex) with no teeth.
Howard moved on to the pageant and explained the rules. They'd have three different criteria. First was how the girls were dressed, then the talent and then the personality. Each would be judged on a scale of 1 to 10. Howard announced what the prizes were and they totaled over $12,000 worth of stuff. They included $5500 cash courtesy of Trim Spa and the DVD release of Van Wilder, a mattress courtesy of Dial-A-Mattress, diamond earrings courtesy of Steven Singer Jewelers, a Brite Smile treatment, a membership at Bally Total Fitness, a Pajamagram, a Lobstergram and a Vonage digital phone system from Vonage.com. There may have been other stuff too but they rattled it off pretty quick.
The first contestant was Stacy who is a college student at Princeton. Howard said she was wearing tight pants and a metallic shirt. Her thong was sticking out of her pants. Howard quickly had the judges give their scores for her looks. Stacy then went on to sing a song to the tune of a Michael Jackson song. Howard said she was dancing and shaking it for the judges. He then had the guys give their scores for her talent. Personality was up next. Howard asked Stacy a bunch of questions to find out where she's had sex and stuff like that. She told a story about having sex with her boyfriend while he was driving a car. She said she sat on his lap while he drove and he did her. She's never had sex with a girl. She said she's done anal but it's not her favorite thing. Howard also asked her who she'd sleep with if she had to. She picked Snoop. Howard then had the judges give their scores for Personality. Here's how the scoring went...
| Stacy | Looks | Talent | Personality |
| Ralph | 8 | 7 | 7 |
| Snoop | 9 | 6 | 9 |
| Don Magic Juan | 7.5 | 7 | 9 |
| Gary the Retard | 10 | 10 | 9 |
Up next was Amy the intern. She's a 26 year old senior at East Stroudsberg University. Howard quickly had the judges quickly give their scores on looks. For talent Amy performed a song to the tune of a Led Zeppelin song. Personality was up next. Gary told Howard about some of the crazy things she's done. She's had sex in public and has had some fun with her girl friends. Howard went on to ask her a few more questions to find out what her personality was like.
| Amy | Looks | Talent | Personality |
| Ralph | 6 | 5 | 5 |
| Snoop | 5 | 4 | 8 |
| Don Magic Juan | 6 | 6 | 8 |
| Gary the Retard | 10 | 10 | 10 |
The third contestant was Dana who goes to the University of Florida. She was wearing low cut jeans according to Howard. For her talent portion Dana performed a song to the tune of I Love Rock and Roll. Howard asked Dana a bunch of questions for the personality portion. She talked about how she likes black guys and dated one who she was scared of at first. She said she's never tried anal but she's up for trying things. She said the right person might get it. Howard also asked her if she could bring world peace by having sex with a horse, would she do it? She thought about it for a short time and said she would do it for the world.
| Dana | Looks | Talent | Personality |
| Ralph | 7 | 8 | 7 |
| Snoop | 10 | 10 | 10 |
| Don Magic Juan | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| Gary the Retard | 10 | 10 | 10 |
Finally they had Andrea who has DD cup breasts. Howard thought she wasn't wearing a bra but she said she was. She's only 21. Howard quickly had the guys give their scores. Andrea performed a song to the tune of a Britney Spears song which the guys seemed to like quite a bit. For personality Howard asked Andrea a bunch of questions. She said she's never had sex with girls but she has hooked up with some and made out with them. She said one girl did touch her one time. She talked about that and about a guy who stalked her one time. The guys continued to ask her questions about the sex on the beach thing and about other parts of her sex life. They were obviously into hearing her stories more than any of the other girl's.
| Andrea | Looks | Talent | Personality |
| Ralph | 9 | 9 | 7 |
| Snoop | 10 | 10 | 10 |
| Don Magic Juan | 10 | 10 | 9 |
| Gary the Retard | 10 | 10 | 10 |
Howard waited as the scores were tallied for the game. He took a phone call from a guy who wanted to know when this was going to air on E!. Howard said he'd like it to be on as soon as possible. Robin Radzinski from E! came in and said it won't be on tonight because it'll be a two parter. She said they'll air it sometime in the near future though.
Gary came in and said that Andrea won by a slim margin. He said it was closer than he expected it to be. Howard let Andrea say a few words after she heard she won. She told the judges she loved them and said it was very exciting to win. She said her ''I love you'' to her boyfriend and said they were going shopping later on. Howard said all of the interns were beautiful and congratulated them all. Howard told Andrea all of the prizes she won, and there were a lot of them. The other contestants won a bunch of the prizes that the winner got. They got a lot of the smaller things as well as a few other prizes that Andrea didn't get.
A woman from Trim Spa came in to present Andrea with the prize money. The woman who came in looked great according to the guys. She lost a bunch of weight with Trim Spa and she's married to the guy who runs the company. They also had a couple of people who were Trim Spa success stories. Ralph was ready to judge one of the girls who was in for the Trim Spa thing. The woman who had the check presented it to Andrea.
One of the girls in the studio said she was at Snoop's house one time. She was amazed that Snoop was sober this morning. They spent a few minutes talking to each other while Howard just sat back and kept quiet. He then thanked everyone and played some of Snoop's album ''Snoop Dogg Presents: Doggy Style Allstars 1'' before taking a break. He also gave Snoop a quick plug for his ''Girls Gone Wild Doggy Style'' video that's out now.
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Aza Comes In For Her Interview. 2/4/98. 7:15am
Yesterday a woman called in and said she wanted to be an intern on Howard's show. She said that she could be Howard's ''Monica Lewinski''. She claimed that she was about 5'8'', 130 pounds. When she came in this morning it was obvious to Howard that she lied about her weight. She was more like 150 or 160 pounds. Howard went along with the interview anyway. He had some fun with her. Some guy called in when she came in and said that she stabbed some guy at one time. It turned out that she was being stalked at one time and she had to stab the guy a bunch of times when he came after her once. She was just defending herself. Howard threw a twist into the interview. He had these ''Tickling Panties'' which vibrate when Howard turns the switch. He had Aza put the panties on for the interview. He started to question her and quickly found out that she lied about her age. Yesterday she said that she was 20. Today she said 19. As she was answering the questions that Howard was asking he would turn the knob for the panties. She was going nuts and couldn't sit still. She kept giggling and crossing and uncrossing her legs. Howard loves these Tickling Panties. The buzzing coming from the panties sounded like a chain saw off in the distance. The questions that Howard was asking were the typical questions asked of intern applicants. Aza couldn't give a decent answer because she was so distracted by the vibrating panties. Just a note, the woman who designed the panties will be in next week sometime. Aza was enjoying the panties so Howard said that she could keep them. No one else would want to wear them anyway. Howard took a commercial break after he was done with Aza. When he came back he said that Aza actually put the panties on over her regular panties so the effect was diluted a bit. He had her change back into the vibrating panties without her normal panties on. He then had her try and sing ''The Star Spangled Banner'' and say the pledge of allegiance. She kept giggling and squirming so she couldn't finish any of it. She said the alphabet pretty well and sang a little bit of ''Row, Row, Row Your Boat'' before leaving. The ''Tickling Panties'' are going to be the next big thing on the show. Howard said they ordered 100 of them for future shows.
Howard told Billy he has a degree so he should find something. Robin asked if he wants to leave town or stay there. Howard said he thinks he'll find something there. He said he went to Pace so he should be okay.
Billy thanked Howard for what he had done for him and talked about some of the stuff he had done for the show while he was there. Billy took on a lot of roles according to Howard. He went over some of the stuff he did with Billy while he was there.
Howard told him he wanted Billy to go out and get him his morning breakfast for one last time. He told him to get Robin some stuff too. Then Howard told Billy to get him some gay porn. Robin said he should take a tape recorder out and ask the guy at the newsstand what the best porn is. Howard went along with that and told him what to do. Howard told him to have Gary go along with him with a microphone. Howard said they can't really conceal the microphone so they had to tell the guy they were recording him. Howard told him to wait until after he asks that they taped him.
Howard said Billy is going to forget what he told him to ask for. Billy recited back what he had been told to ask about. He was ready to go and remembered what Howard had told him.
After an edited out break Howard came back and had Billy come back in with the homosexual magazines he had asked for. Billy came in and told Howard he asked away and only one guy didn't answer him when he asked about the gay magazines. He said he asked every question Howard told him to ask.
Howard had the tape of Billy asking the questions. Billy said he was out doing a study for a college radio station. Billy asked one guy what he had but he didn't have all that much. Billy said he was looking for more reading than pictures. Billy had some guys suggesting magazines for him. He did end up buying one of them. Robin said one guy asked him ''which sexual'' when Billy asked for homosexual magazines. They went to break a short time later.
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In the clip Howard was giving away some F-Emmy awards and played a few clips from intern Mitch Fatel doing interviews. Mitch came in to accept his award. That led into Howard talking to Mitch about his replacement who was a stutterer by the name of John.
Howard had John come into the studio for the first time and asked him about his stuttering. John said that he stutters when he gets excited. Howard said he sounded pretty good so far and wasn't stuttering much. Howard said it was kind of disappointing. Then John started to stutter more and more. John said that he has trouble with M words and saying his own name since his last name was Melendez.
Howard told Mitch that John was going to be a big star and he was already better on the air than he was. Howard asked John to say his name 3 times but John didn't have trouble that time. John said it's not all the time that he has a problem. Howard said this was fun and that stuttering thing would happen. Howard said he liked John already and he wouldn't miss Mitch that much. Mitch said he liked the way Howard told Gary to hire John as soon as he heard he stuttered.
Scores Girl Preview. 6/2/03. 9:05am
Howard and the guys are going to a Scores party on Thursday so this morning they were going to get a preview of some of the girls they have there now. Lonnie Hanover from Scores was there as well. Howard said he is a hero to men because of what he does for guys. Lonnie thanked Howard for making him a winner but Howard thanked Lonnie for doing what he's done for guys over the years. Howard asked him how long he's been in the business and how they've done it. Lonnie claims that when guys come in they ask him where Howard sits when he comes to the club. He claims that Christian Slater did that one time so Howard has made it cool to go to strip clubs. Lonnie also told Howard that they have specially picked these girls that will be at Howard's party.
Howard said they had this young kid Jamie (JD Harmeyer) sitting in today because he's never gotten laid. He works for them and watches TV all day long. Jamie said the farthest he's gotten is second base. Howard had the kid take his hat off to see what was under that. Artie said it looked like he had to much brain.
Gary said Lonnie is great at introductions as well. He said when he was in the green room earlier Lonnie was telling the girls to stop talking because Gary, the ''cog that helps make the Howard Stern machine run'' was standing there. Artie said when he goes to Scores, you'd think his movie ''Dirty Work'' was ''Casablanca'' or something.
The guys brought in the first dancer, 20 year old Leah. She claims that her boobs are real but the guys found that hard to believe. Lonnie said she was stunning when she came in for the first time. She's brand new at Scores so Lonnie said he's not sure how good a dancer she is. They had her practice a little for Jamie the 23 year old virgin. Jamie said it was ''very nice'' as she was dancing for him. Howard asked Lonnie to get the girls loaded before they get there on Thursday because it makes for a better party.
Howard had the guys bring in Liz next. Howard thought she was hot as well. She was also just 20 years old. Gary said she looks kind of like Katie Holmes but better looking. Howard asked that the girls not wear perfume because they always end up going home stinking like that. They also asked that they not wear glitter. Lonnie said they took care of the glitter problem a while ago. Howard told Lonnie that he's outdone himself with these girls. Lonnie told Howard that Liz is also all natural.
Howard talked to Jamie a bit about the girls he's made out with and felt up. He said he hasn't had one since 1998 so he really could use this party. They found out that Jamie doesn't like to drink which surprised Howard. Howard and Artie couldn't believe that and said he's got to take him out drinking.
Lonnie told Howard what they're going to do for Jamie when he's at the party. They're going to surround him with hot chicks until his head explodes. Artie wondered how a guy doesn't get laid and doesn't drink to forget about that fact.
Howard had the guys bring in the next girl, Claudia. She's from Hungary so she had a bit of an accent. She also claims that she doesn't have implants. Howard talked to her about her stripping and how he's looking forward to seeing her at the party.
Next up was Yolana. Howard asked her to marry him as soon as he saw her. She said she's Columbian and has been in the country for 4 years. She's only 19 years old. She told Howard that she's also got real boobs. The next girl came in a short time later. Her name was India and she's Puerto Rican. She was 21 years old and said she's been dancing for about a year. She claims she doesn't have a boyfriend so Howard introduced her to Jamie. Howard told the girls that he's Donald Trump's son go get them interested in him. Howard then brought in Roxanne. She had a Russian accent. All of the girls were claiming that they had real boobs. Heather came in next and Gary said there's no way they're real but she swears that they are. She said they're 34-DD and they are real. Gary said that when he asked Jamie to go to the Scores party, he had to get back to him. Jamie said he had to check with his other job before he could commit. Howard told him to quit that job already then. Jamie said he has given them his two weeks notice.
Gary asked Howard which one of the girls he'd like to get his first lap dance from. Howard checked them all out and said he might have to go with India. Jamie said he really liked Leah.
Lonnie wanted to get the party started early so he had the girls go over to the guys and start dancing for them. Howard had Yolana dancing for him and each of the other guys had their own chicks to dance for them. Howard told Lonnie that he's the ''Pied Piper of Poon Tang.'' He told the girls what to do and they did it. They said that Jamie had two women at once and he didn't know where to look first. He had India on his lap and said it felt nice. Howard had to take a break so he told Lonnie what a great guy he was and wrapped up the segment.
KC Interviews Marv Albert. 5/23/97. 7:15am
In the clip Howard asked KC about what he did in college and found out he didn't get a lot of girls in college. Howard said he's in pretty good shape. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking to KC and then got to his interviews.
Since Stuttering John is so recognizable nowadays Howard is sending out interns to do the interviewing. Last night KC The intern went to the Marv Albert press conference and yelled out a couple of questions. He didn't get any response from Marv because he's not supposed to answer any questions. Marv has been accused of biting some woman's back about 15 times. He held the press conference to deny the charges. Here are some of the questions that KC blurted out:
Benjy The Intern's Close Encounter With Howard. 1/20/98. 8:05am
One of Howard's newest interns had an interesting story to tell on the air this morning. Benjy, who's a big fan of Howard's, was sitting in the office one day before he'd met Howard in person. He said that he'd prepared himself for meeting Howard and thought that he wouldn't be nervous. Howard came into the office and Benjy said he just smiled nervously. He said that Howard looked at him with ''loving eyes'' or something like that. At one point Howard walked past Benjy and as he walked past him he touched his shoulder and squeezed it softly. Benjy said he felt a jolt of electricity go through him. He claims that before Howard touched him he couldn't move his shoulder for some reason. Now he says that he's cured. He also claimed that he saw the Virgin Mary after Howard touched him. He said she was pretty hot looking. When I heard all of this I immediately called the show. I told Howard to call security and get him removed. The guy sounded a little wacky. Even Howard said that he was going to lock the studio door after Benjy left. Maybe Benjy just wanted to get some air time. If Benjy has any more strange stories to tell I'll be sure to report them right here.
Howard sent Dave off to prepare the news while he spoke to Arnold Schwarzenegger (Fred). Howard got back to Dave after a couple of minutes. Howard told Dave not to take it too seriously because he was probably going to blow him off in a couple of minutes. Howard asked Dave what he was doing. Dave said he was just preparing. He was yelling into the mic so Howard told him he didn't have to do that. He called Dave names the whole time he was talking to him.
Howard spoke to Dave for a minute and asked how long he's going to hang in there with them. Dave said he would be there until the end of May. Howard didn't understand why anyone would want to work for him for free.
Howard had Dave read the news to find out how good he is on the air. Dave read a story and Howard laughed as soon as he heard him. He gave Dave some advice on how to get on the mic and not yell into it. Dave read some more about Muammar Gaddafi. Howard asked why he had that story. He said he gave him 20 minutes to come up with something and this is what he came up with? Howard asked how he's going to be on radio with a voice like that. He told him to start over with another story. Dave read more of this Libya story and Howard said he had no idea what he was talking about.
Howard had Dave read some more and goofed on his awful reading abilities. Howard said he had no idea what he meant while he was reading. He said he should just turn on Good Morning America and get their news instead.
Howard took a call from a guy and asked if he should give Dave a try doing the news. The caller said he should put him in the homo room. Howard said that his stammer does kill some time. He said he could kill about a half hour with that. Howard asked Dave if he wanted to go into the homo room. Dave said he'd rather skip that. Howard said he could take Dave down and play Penis Ping Pong. He wanted to bring the caller down there too but he let him go before they went in.
Howard went into the Homo Room with the help of Fred's sound effects. They walked down some steps into an echoing room with water dripping sounds. Howard wanted to dunk Dave's penis in some coffee and see what happens. Dave said he'd rather not. Howard asked if he likes it black. Fred was still doing his Arnold impression so he joined in on that as well. Fred played some splashing sounds as they dipped Dave's penis in the coffee.
Howard said he wanted to shave Dave and then play Penis Ping Pong. Howard had Dave pull down his pants and then shaved him down. Fred played some buzzer sounds as Howard shaved all of his hair off. Howard said he was hairless now. Dave said he was clueless too. Howard didn't get what he was talking about. Dave tried to explain himself but Howard said he was twitching now. Howard said he's got to relax. He's in the homo room. Howard said he would help him relax by opening a beer bottle with his ass.
Howard had Dave read some news before opening the beer. Dave read a story about Clint Eastwood being elected mayor in a California town. He read some sports news too. After that Howard played some Penis Ping Pong with Dave. Fred played the sound effects and Howard said Dave was very good at the game. Howard played the best out of 5 with Dave.
Howard asked for a homo magazine or a picture of Alley McGraw. He said he wanted to get off on one of those things. Howard spent a minute with Dave in the Homo Room and told him he did a good job to make him feel good. Then he told him his news sucked. Howard had Fred play them out of the homo room but he forgot the foot steps. He just played the door opening and closing.
Howard asked Jackie to read it to him but she walked out. Kari Wuhrer was sitting in at the time. Gary came in and told Howard that Jackie ran to the bathroom crying. Howard said he thought she was digging it but Gary said that it was coming from the heart and she didn't like what he did. Howard said he likes Jackie so he didn't mean anything by it. He felt bad that she was crying. He did want to send a wireless mic out there to hear what was going on though.
Howard said he's going to write Jackie a poem right now. He said he's not doing it in a joking way either. Howard said that he wanted to write something nice so that's what he did. Kari helped him come up with some lines. She was joking around so they didn't come out right. Stuttering John came in and said Jackie was really crying. Howard kicked him out.
In another clip from the day after Howard had Jackie come in and told her that he was upset with the way she treated him. He said that wasn't fair of her to go out and cry which made him feel bad. Howard said Robin told him that she was sobbing in the bathroom. He said he went out and talked to her and tried to calm her down.
Howard said he was mad at Jackie for making him feel bad. Jackie said she thought the poem would make him feel better. Howard said it did. Howard told her she has to let him sketch her naked for free now. Howard said he really does like her a lot. He said it's not sexual... and then corrected himself and said it is sexual. He said they always kid around on the show though. Jackie said she knows. She said she was just having a bad day. Howard told her she should have laughed off Kari's comments. Jackie said she knows. She said Kari was making it worse.
Howard asked Jackie to read her poem but she said she's still not going to do it. Howard said that crying really got him. He said it made him nuts. Howard said Robin told her that her sobbing was coming through the door. Jackie didn't believe that happened. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard asked Richard to come in and a few minutes later he did. Richard came in and Howard asked him about what he does at church. Howard guessed at some of the stuff and Richard corrected him on a couple of things. Robin asked if he's really religious and doesn't have sex before marriage and all of that. Richard said that's not really the case.
Richard told Howard about some of the things he does at church. Howard had a lot of questions about where he gets the wafers he feeds people and things like that. Tom Chiusano came in to help with the explanations. They went to break a short time later.
Intern Problems And Other Stuff. 10/28/02. 7:10am
Gary came in and said that an intern they have working on the show didn't tell her mother she was working for the Howard Stern show. Her mom came to visit but didn't know it was the Stern show. When she called home and spoke to her son, he asked her if she met Howard. She said ''Howard who?'' and then found out it was Stern. Her flight was supposed to leave at 7:30 this morning but she was on her way down to possibly take her daughter out of the job. Danita the intern came in and told Howard she never told her mother about it because she's really controlling. She's 22 years old though so Howard told her to tell her mother she wants to make her own decisions. Danita said her mother listens to Rush Limbaugh or NPR in the mornings so she's not a fan of Howard's. Howard told Danita that he'll back her up when her mother gets there. Danita said her mother may make her quit the job and she may end up crying. She told Howard that her mother is a gynecologist so Howard said they're just about in the same line of work. Artie suggested that they play the video of Benjy pleasuring himself to Houston on the monitor when Danita's mother comes in. Howard said he will probably be able to charm Danita's 54 year old mother when she gets there.
Gary said another intern told him that her father encouraged her to go for the internship and said that she could even take a semester off if she needed to. Howard said that's the kind of encouragement Danita needs from her mother.
Danita The Intern Update. 10/28/02. 8:05am
Gary came in and gave Howard an update on Danita the Intern and her mom. He said he's not sure they'll ever see her again. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with her mother, a friend of her mother's showed up and they disappeared down to the lobby of the building. Howard asked the guys if they wanted to bet on whether she'd return or not. Howard said Danita's mother may be micro-managing a bit too much and she needs to give her 22 year old daughter some freedom. Howard said the girl is going to be out of school in 2 years and she'll be doing whatever she wants to then so let her do what she wants now. Howard said if she were his daughter, he'd give her some advice but let her do what she wants to do. He said he might try to stop his daughter from doing some things but you have to give them some freedom. Howard said he'd stop his daughter from doing crack or something crazy like that but if she was smoking cigarettes, he'd just tell her how bad it is and try to get her to stop. He said he thinks it's okay to voice disapproval but Danita's mother should just tell her what she thinks and let her do what she's going to do. Howard said his daughters have gone ahead and done things that he's advised them not to. He said he makes him proud because they have a mind of their own and they can make their own decisions.
Howard said he has given his kids the drug talk and they know he's smoked pot and other stuff. He said they don't necessarily want to talk to him about stuff like that. He said he also talks about masturbation and things like that with his kids. Robin wanted to know if his kids have had sex yet. Howard said he doesn't talk about stuff like that about his kids.
Howard mentioned that a kid eventually tells you they hate you and that's the true test of a real man. Gary came in and said that his youngest son did that to him yesterday. He said he didn't know what was upsetting him so much but he tried to ignore it and told the kid he'd talk to him after he calmed down. Howard said he was putting his daughter to bed the other night and she told him she hates him. He said he wouldn't allow her to have a sleep-over and that's why she was pissed. Howard said he ended up talking to her and after a few minutes she forgot about hating him. He said their hatred doesn't last that long.
Artie said he would never even think of saying something like that to his father. He said he used to work with his father and if he had to hold a flashlight for an hour and he had a nasty look on his face, his father would say ''What's your problem?'' and get pissed. He said he never dared say anything like that to his dad.
Stuttering John came in and said his 6 year old asked him about sex and wondered what you're supposed to do. Howard said you just tell them the truth. John wasn't sure that a 6 year old is old enough to understand that stuff though. Howard said you really need a full time psychologist to help out with this stuff.
Howard got back to Danita and said that a friend of Danita's mother was yelling at them downstairs in their building. Howard said he should go down there with a microphone and find out what's going on.
Howard changed subjects again and brought up an article about how Vin Diesel has a crush on Anna Nicole Smith and is trying to get a meeting with her. Howard said he's not so sure that's a true story though.
Howard played a new bit where KC has a few wack pack members debating. This time they were debating which flavor of ice cream is best, chocolate or vanilla. Gary the Retard and Jeff Curro went at each other a little bit about which one was the best. Fran Baskerville the Singing Psychic said chocolate was her favorite.
After taking a break Howard had Danita's mother Monica come in. She and Howard spent quite a while talking about what was going to happen with Danita. Monica ended up laughing and having some fun while she was in the studio. She said that they're not going to make Danita quit the internship. She said she wished Danita would have taken the internship she was offered at CBS News instead of Howard's show though. She actually turned that down for Howard's show. Howard told her she probably should have taken that CBS News job. Howard told Monica that her daughter may be exposed to some nudity while she's working there but it will probably be other women, not men. Monica said she was afraid that her daughter would end up being one of those women. Howard told her they don't get interns naked so she'll be just fine. Artie asked Monica if she'd be interested in letter her daughter undress her for $10,000. She just laughed. Howard told him she's a gynecologist so they'd have to offer her like $50,000. That's when the found out that Monica is out of work. She and her friend told Howard that both of their licenses were revoked by New York State officials for some reason. Monica said she thinks that they're trying to get rid of doctors who are of color and that's why she lost her license. Monica and her friend spent quite a while talking to Howard about their situation. Dominic Barbera called in and knew about their case somehow. He said that one of the women had two patient deaths in her office. She had an explanation for them and said that it wasn't her fault. She and Dominic went back and forth arguing about the details for a little while. Monica managed to shut Dominic up pretty good while she was yelling at him. Howard eventually wrapped up the segment so he could move on to interview Laurie Wallace. Danita is staying for now. Right after Monica left Howard said ''Where's the chick with the lesbian stories?'' That got Artie laughing pretty hard.
Nick The Intern Almost Gets His Ass Kicked. 8/5/97. 8:40am
Nick the intern had an idea for a bit. He would go down to Chinatown and ask Chinese people if they think eating dogs and cats is okay. So he went down there with his tape recorder and did his thing. Howard played the short tape this morning. After questioning about 2 people who could barely speak English an old Chinese dude came up to him and yelled at him and told him to get out of that part of town. He yelled some stuff about Nick eating pork. Then he told him to go back to ''Jewtown''. Nick was so scared he shut off the tape recorder so he missed some of the good stuff. Nick made the mistake of telling his mother about this incident so she doesn't want him doing it anymore. She called in and spoke with Howard about it. She said that she wants someone with muscle to go along with Nick if he does this anymore. Otherwise she doesn't want him going at all. Nick still wants to do this stuff so he'll have to discuss it with mommy.
Erica's Intern Beauty Pageant Problems. 8/18/03. 7:30am
Howard had Erica the intern come in to talk about the aftermath of the Intern Beauty Pageant. She didn't win the pageant but her parents decided not to take her on vacation with them. Erica told Howard that her father doesn't like Howard's show for some reason. She said that's fine with her. She said he's a mechanic in the town he lives in. She said she told her father she was going to do the pageant and he wasn't too happy with that. She said he wouldn't even look at her when she told him. She told him that she wants to be on radio and any chance to get on air is a good thing for her. She said she's trying to break into the business and this is what she feels she needs to do. Erica told Howard that all of her bills go to her parents house so they see when she's a little late on her payments. She said she works 7 days a week and pays her own bills but they lay these trips on her that they really don't need to. She went on to say that her parents and her little brother headed up to Nantucket and she was supposed to go. She found out that they canceled her flight for some reason. She said that the ticket for her to fly up there was a birthday gift that they took back. Howard said it seems that they're trying to manipulate her. She said she thinks that they're worried about her and her bills but she doesn't want them to worry about stuff like that. She said she tried to call her mother the next day but she said she was too busy getting ready to go out to dinner. Her mother told her she had upset her father doing the intern beauty pageant because all of his friends heard the show that day. Howard told Erica that she's a great person though and another one of the intern's father's told her that she should have stripped to win. After hearing Erica's story Howard gave her a $500 prize to help her out with her bills.
Howard took a call from a guy who said the reason Erica didn't win the pageant was because she said she was into black guys. Howard wondered if that's why her father was upset. She wasn't sure but said she also talked about kissing other girls as well. A couple of other callers had a few things to say about the whole thing. Howard said parents really shouldn't lay trips like that on their kids. He wrapped up the discussion after that and took another commercial break.
Today's Intern Week special was over around 10:45am.
First up we heard David Arquette introducing a segment from June 28, 1994 when they introduced Gay Rich the intern. Here's a rundown of the clip that I wrote during ''The History of Howard Stern'' in 2009:
They played a show clip where Howard had Rich come into the studio so he could ask him some questions. Howard said he's a good looking guy and he's sad that he's gay because he could be getting women. Howard said he's a really nice guy. He said he talks to him out in the hall. Howard said he heard that Rich has a husband. Rich said he just calls him that but it's just a boyfriend. Howard said Rich has a sparkle in his eye that most gay guys have. He wondered what that is and how they get that. Robin said she's not sure she'd even ask him to help carry anything because he's so gay. Rich said he has had to carry some stuff and he doesn't like that.
Howard asked Rich if he's a catcher. Rich said he likes to pitch and receive. Howard asked how old he was. Rich said he's 21. He talked about the guy he dates and how he started to have gay sex when he was 17. He said he got to hang out with the gorgeous girls in school and that helped keep the jocks from bothering him. He said they were afraid of upsetting the girls so they'd leave him alone.
Howard had Scott Einziger come in since Rich was so interested in him. Howard spent a few minutes trying to get Scott to let Rich kiss him but Scott wasn't going for it. Howard tried to get Scott to hold his hand and things like that but he didn't want any part of that. Rich sounded like he was into it too but Scott didn't agree to do anything. Howard let Rich touch his nipple but not after he licked his finger. He made him change hands.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Rich about being gay and asking if he wanted to get a sex change operation. Rich said he's not going to do that. Howard asked a few more questions about being gay and then said he couldn't take it anymore and let him go.
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Howard said they have another intern by the name of Chris and he's scary too. Howard said Chris wrote an article about him once and he was kind of freaked out by him too. Howard said he told Gary to keep Chris away from him and not let him bother him about articles. Howard said he was in the bathroom yesterday and he ended up in there with Chris. He said he wants to be friendly with people so he talked to him in there. He said he doesn't want to come across like he's better than anyone. He said Chris asked him about the article he wrote again so he talked to him about it. He said he told him he was a good writer and then Chris told him he wanted to write about what it's like behind the scenes there on the show. Chris said he has a lot of respect for Howard but he doesn't want to think he can't talk to him. Howard said that's the way he should think.
Howard said he told Chris he didn't want him writing that article. He said Chris kept pressing and pressing though. Chris said that's not what he was doing. Howard said he doesn't hear himself and that is how he sounds. Chris said he wanted to write an article but he wanted to write his idea down on a piece of paper. Chris told Howard what that idea was. It was about how the movie came to be. Howard asked why he would want that written. Chris said it will be written by someone. Howard said he'd want a journalist to write it. Not Chris.
Robin said for a while Chris was beating Grillo into work to get her the newspapers. She had a problem with that.
Howard said he told Chris that he didn't want him writing that article. Chris said he wrote it down in a proposal for him. Howard said he doesn't want him doing that. He wants them going through Gary with that kind of stuff. He Gary is very astute when it comes to that stuff.
Howard said Gary is going to stand in front of the bathroom door from now on. Gary said that's what Eddie Murphy's brother did once. He said he had two guys standing in front of the door for him. Howard said that's what he needs. Howard said he doesn't want to be bothered.
Gary said that anyone who wins tickets can come up there and use the bathroom. Howard said he's seen that and he ends up doing personal appearances in the bathroom there.
Chris asked why it bothered Robin that he was getting in with the papers in the morning. Robin said that he was making speeches in the morning when he'd get there early. Robin said he's incredibly aggressive. She said that he has made speeches about things when he gets in early and it's too much.
Howard said they had another intern who wanted to come in and rap with him. He wanted to get on the air by getting to him to know him. Howard said he doesn't want to talk about articles anymore with Chris. He told Gary to talk to him instead.
Ralph came in and said that Chris seems to eavesdrop on conversations too so he might be compiling information. Howard said Ralph is no better than Chris. Howard told Chris not to bother him in the bathroom anymore. He said he just wants to be left alone in there. He said he had too much of a conversation with him in there. Chris apologized for that.
Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Chris. Gary said he should talk to Basil too. Howard said he didn't want to but he did talk to him about his jail time. Basil said he made some mistakes in boarding school. He said his life was similar to Tim Allen's. He said he ended up doing a little jail time for that.
Howard said Chris has no idea that he's annoying. Chris said that he has been told he's annoying and his nickname used to be Baba Booey. Howard told him to just relax and enjoy his time there. Howard told everyone to leave so he can move on. He said they have a very scary crop of interns there this year. Howard said Grillo scared him for a couple of years but now he's used to him. Stuttering John said he wasn't scary. Howard said ''Just stupid...''
Howard asked why he had the pizza upside down the whole time if the guy was only in the elevator. Andy said he still blames that guy.
Howard and Andy spent a minute talking about black guys in their neighborhoods. Howard said he calls the cops when he sees one walking through his neighborhood. Howard said the police tell you to report suspicious people so that's what he does.
Gary said that was their intern Morat. He brought him in to meet Howard. Howard told Morat not to bother him in the bathroom. He asked if he saw his weenie in there. Morat said he didn't. He was sorry he bothered him. Howard said he didn't really bother him. Howard said he thinks that he was even caught off guard by the whole thing. Morat said that he's working in promotions so he doesn't even see Howard there that much. He said he's only there 3 days a week. Howard wrapped up with him and let him go a short time later.
Mike came in with Howard's water. Howard asked what he did the day before. Chris said he went to pick up some stuff from Howard's agent. He said he saw Phil Donahue out on the street. Howard said he should make up stories about Phil and say he saw him with a young Mexican boy or something.
Howard said he wants to give Chris a copy of his record and have him write a report on it. He said he could write a one page report about it. It would be a record report. Howard said he wants him to read a paper about the new mayor too. Howard said he could have him read Imus' book and tell them what it's about since they can't figure it out.
Howard asked Mike if he's ever done a project for class. Mike said he did one where he studied how music affects plants. Howard said they'll come up with another science project for him. He said that Mike is being a wise ass so he wants him to come in with a poem tomorrow. He said he wants him to write some Haiku. Howard told Mike he has to write it about smegma. Al Rosenberg had some suggestions too. Howard said he should write a poem about Carol Bellamy. They went to break a short time later.
Scott The Engineer Upset About Roasting By Intern Carey. 11/12/02. 7:15am
Yesterday Howard played a tape one of their interns submitted for the ''World's Meanest Listener'' contest even though he's not allowed to enter. The intern, Carey, roasted Scott the Engineer in his entry. Scott got upset after hearing about it. Howard had the two of them come in to talk about it. Scott said he has gotten pissed at Carey in the past and did yell at him one day. Carey said that all Scott does is yell. He also said that Scott doesn't respect him and the roasting didn't really have anything to do with the fight they had a month and a half ago. There was also talk of the union that Scott is in and how he's pretty much the only one left in the union working at the station. Carey said that Scott always tells him not to touch anything in the engineering department. Howard told him he can touch anything he wants because the union is just about gone now. Howard went on to play the tape that Carey submitted where he roasts Scott. He sounded very angry at Scott. Scott wondered why Carey's tape sounded so crappy. He said that's because Scott won't let him touch the board back there. Howard had tape of the two of them arguing with each other back in their studio from earlier this morning. They were arguing over who said ''F*** off'' and ''F*** you.'' Scott claims that he was just busting Carey's balls and having fun with him. Howard thought that he was just holding back from going crazy because the E! camera was back there. Carey told Howard that Scott really just has no respect for anyone there. Scott said he's never had any problems with any of his other interns over the years and Carey is the only one who does have a problem.
Carey is legally blind and Howard thought Scott said something about him being a ''Blind F***'' during their argument. Scott said he never said that and after playing the tape they heard Carey tell Scott he could call him that if he wanted to. Scott never used the term. Howard said the fight went on way too long. After playing the tape Howard wrapped up the segment and sent them on their way.
Howard said he loves all of the hijinks that go on there in the hallways of the station.
Howard went on to talk about how hot Halle Berry looks in the promos for the new James Bond movie. He said they had pictures of her in a bikini on Entertainment Tonight last night and she looks really great. He said she's ''smokin' hot.'' Howard said they asked her if she was scared during the stunts she did in the movie. Howard said she let Billy Bob Thornton stick his lizard tongue down her throat in ''Monsters Ball'' so the stunts couldn't have been any worse than that.
Meet The Interns: Steve, Kevin And Lauren. 4/11/02. 8:35am
Howard has a couple of interns that they find interesting so Howard had them come in to introduce them to the audience. First up was Steve the Wheelchair Intern. Steve has Muscular Dystrophy so he's stuck in a wheel chair. Howard said the kid won't accept anyone's help when he needs to do something even though he's in the chair. Steve came in and spoke to Howard about his life. Howard found out that Steve hasn't gotten laid yet but he did get to second base with the captain of the cheerleaders in high school. He said he's had the chance to have sex but he's kind of afraid to try it because he doesn't know how it would work with the wheelchair.
The next intern, Kevin, gave Gary a CD with a song from his band on it. When he came in this morning he told Howard that the song was done without him in the band but he's part of the band now.
Finally they brought in Lauren the smart, hot, 19 year old intern. All of the guys say that Lauren wears really sexy clothes to work and it's distracting to some of the guys. Ronnie the Limo Driver is really hot for her but Lauren says she thinks that he's always mad at her. Ronnie came in and said that he sits in the hallway and she'll come up to him wearing a belly shirt with her belly button right in his face. He tries not to talk too much to her because he thinks there would be trouble if he did. Ronnie also said that she sometimes wears really low cut, loose jeans that allow you to see right in when she bends over. He said he's seen down the front on at least one occasion. He said he could see her red thong that day. Gary said you can tell what color thong she's wearing every day because her jeans are so low cut. He said anytime she bends over to do something everyone can see the back of her thong. Ronnie even knew what color she was wearing this morning... pink.
Howard said he never sees any of this stuff going on so he asked Lauren to wear her shortest belly shirt and jeans tomorrow.
Howard asked Lauren what she got on her SATs. She said she got a 1450, 720 math and 730 verbal. Artie sounded stunned when he heard that score. Lauren also told Howard that Steve is one of her favorite co-workers. Gary said that unfortunately Steve is the ''F-Word...Friend'' to Lauren. Howard asked her if she'd go into the woods with him like the cheerleader did. She just laughed it off though.
Lauren told Howard that she went to a deli the other day and they gave her a free sandwich because she was pretty. Gary said that happened to Anne Marie the office manager when they went to get ice cream from Mr. Softee. Gary said the guy gave her free ice cream for about a month just because she was hot. Gary said women think that it's because they're being nice and smart but it's just because they're hot.
Steve The Intern Interviews Donny Osmond. 5/10/02. 8:55am
Howard sent this wheelchair bound intern Steve out to interview Donny Osmond while he was doing some weird promotion for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Howard said Donny is mad at him so they had to send someone in a wheelchair to even get close to him. Steve asked Donny a few quick questions and then hit him with the one that upset him when Howard asked him on the show. Steve asked Donny ''Why was Donny and Marie canceled?'' Donny told him he thinks it was canceled too early and it would have gotten better ratings if it was still on the air. Steve then asked him something about priests molesting young boys and then hit him with the big one... ''Why don't you ask your wife for oral sex?'' Donny told Steve that he didn't want to talk about it because he already went over it with Howard. He then told him to have Howard ask his wife about it instead.
Steve went on to ask a few more questions but he was being dragged out by then. He asked Donny how often he masturbates and if he thinks homosexuals all go to hell. They pulled him right out at that point.
Howard said the only reason they were playing the game was to find out who the dumbest of the interns was. He went to Vicc first. They had questions about geography, history, religion and others.
Howard went through the game with the guys and came to the final Jeopardy question. He gave them that and the winner ended up being Stuttering Vic. They spent a few minutes talking about what each one hates about the others. They went to break a short time later.
Dr. Marshall King Hypnotizes Some Women. 08/24/1989. 7:15am
(Edited) Howard told Gary to get out of there and fired him once again. Jackie the Intern and Dr. King were brought in a short time later. Howard asked Dr. King if he could cure John's stutter. Dr. King said he could do that if he really wanted him to. He could stop the stutter until he wanted it to come back too. Howard said maybe they should make him stutter worse instead.
Howard asked Dr. King if they should talk about what to do to Jackie in front of her or not. He suggested they not talk about it in front of her. Howard asked if they had a perfect subject with Jackie the Intern. He said they did so Howard let Jackie leave the room so they could discuss it. Howard told Dr. King that he wanted her all over him and he wanted her to orgasm loudly.
Howard said there is no better doctor than Dr. King. He asked him what it would cost him to have him walking around hypnotizing women for him all day. He didn't wait for an answer, he just got into the Jackie the Intern thing. He told Dr. King to go off and try working on Jackie while he spoke to some of the other girls there. They ended up talking about Bo the Lesbian a little bit and that led to Dr. King talking about how he had a guy who was gay who he was able to turn straight.
Howard told Dr. King that he wants to make Jackie the Intern hot for him. He told Dr. King to go out and make that happen. A short time later after an edited out commercial break, Howard said he got the word that Jackie the Intern was a good subject. She came in with Dr. King and he told Howard that she was an incredible subject. He said it didn't take long to figure out that she was going to work out well.
Dr. King said you really feel relaxed and fresh after going under hypnosis. He said he was going to allow Howard to hold one of his balls... one of his crystal balls... and show that to Jackie. Howard showed it to her and that put her to sleep. Dr. King put her into a deeper sleep and then said he was going to talk to Howard about what they wanted to do with her.
Dr. King suggested that they tell her that she was with Howard in a room last night and Howard was devastating in bed. Howard told Robin to interview her about that. Dr. King then told Jackie what she was going to think when she woke up and she was going to think it was for real. She woke up a short time later and Robin asked her what had gone on the night before. Jackie laughed and said that she and Howard went to a hotel and she was with him. Her dream came true and she got to do stuff with Howard in the hotel room in a heart shaped bed. She was laughing quite a bit as she was telling the story. She said they took a shower together and did things in there.
Robin asked detailed questions about what went on there. Jackie talked about the bubbles flying in the air and how she had champagne and had Howard kissing her neck and stuff like that. Howard let her go through the story for a short time while she thought that they were in a commercial break. He came back from the fake break and asked Jackie if she wanted to talk more about it on the air. She told Robin not to say anything to anyone about what had gone on. Gary said he got an erection during that discussion. He said that she was talking about all of the stuff that she'd really want when she was making up this fantasy. Howard said the reality wouldn't have been as nice. He said he would have been farting at some point.
Dr. King brought Jackie back out of her sleep so Howard talked to her a little bit more. Jackie was saying that Howard is the only guy she wants to look at in the room. She said that he belongs on the cover of GQ because he's so good looking. Howard played along and said that he just pretends that he's not good looking. Howard said that she loves his personality and also loves his body. Jackie said that he really does have a great body and she's never been with someone like that before.
Jackie said that she'd like to live with Howard and they'd have to stay in Manhattan if they did that. Dr. King put her under again and made her think that when Howard farted, it was disgusting. Howard then pretended to start farting with fart sound effects and had her thinking that he was blasting away. She ran out of the studio because they smelled so bad. Howard asked Dr. King to please help him out and make Jackie in love with him. He told him they were going to bring in another girl after the break and have them fight over him. He gave Dr. King some more ideas for what he could hypnotize the girls to do.
Jackie came back in the studio so Howard blasted out some more farts and told her that he really can't control it. She got upset with him about farting so much but he said he just couldn't stop. They went to break a short time later.
''American Pie 2'' Stars Tara Reid, Alyson Hannigan And Natasha Lyonne. 8/9/01. 7:00am
Earlier in the show Steve the Intern said he'd be willing to do anything to meet Tara Reid. Howard made him get his hand peed on by KC and he actually did it. Steve came in and read a really bizarre poem he'd written for Tara which sounded like it was a comedy bit instead of a serious poem. Howard got to watch KC pissing on Steve's hand because the E! guys actually got it on tape. They all laughed hysterically as they watched that on the monitor. Howard only spent about a half hour or so with the girls before wrapping up the interview.
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Steve The Intern Does Gay Stuff For Rolling Stones Tickets. 10/30/06. 8:40am
Howard came back from break and talked about how the Rolling Stones did a benefit concert in the city at a small club called The Beacon Theater and he figures it must have been a great place to see them. He didn't go himself but he's got tickets to another show they're doing there. He was thinking about giving them away to the fans but Robin wanted them. Howard said that some of the guys there were willing to do some crazy shit to win the tickets as well.
Artie wanted the tickets but he wasn't going to do any crazy shit for them. He said he'd just go to StubHub.com and get tickets. Steve the Intern came in and said that he really wanted them so Howard was ready to give them to him if no one was going to challenge him. Steve is a big fan and would love to see them at the Beacon.
Gary told Howard that Sal and Richard don't want the tickets but they want to do some stuff to Steve to make him earn the tickets. Sal offered to do a chocolate tea bag and Richard wanted to slap him on the face with his pecker. Sal explained to Steve what he was going to do with the chocolate tea bag where he'd dip them on his eyes. Howard told Steve he had to choose between the two choices.
Steve wanted to take Richard smacking him in the face with his dick because he trusts him more than Sal. Howard told them to just get it out of the way and do it right then. Richard pulled out his penis and said he would stretch it out to make it reach his face. He then whacked him in the face with his penis and made Artie cringe. Artie said he had to be boiled in water after seeing that. He said he's never been in the room when something like that has happened. Artie said it looked like he was cheek fucking him. Steve was happy that he was getting to see the band before Keith Richards dies.
Howard told Steve that he gets two tickets and even gets a hotel room in the city. Artie asked Steve if he could go with him because Steve only wanted one ticket. Artie got the other ticket and laughed his ass off that he didn't have to do anything gay to win that ticket.
Artie told Steve that they'll get a limo and everything to go to the concert. He said it'll be great. Artie still can't believe that they're going to see the Stones at a small venue like that. He's also going to see The Who at the Borgata and that's only a 2500 seat theater.
Today's Intern Week was over around 10:00am.
First up on Intern Week David Arquette introduced a segment from April 11, 1996 where Howard pranked Smelly James the intern. Here's what I had in my archives:
Howard does a phony phone call to James the smelly intern. 4-11-96.
This dude, James, has been doing some wacky stuff around the station lately. People tell Howard stories about how rude he is and how he peeked in to the studio when there was a naked girl in there. He doesn't deny it but he downplayed it with his explanations. Howard brought him in the studio to ask him about the wacky things but then he surprised him by telling him that he was this 'Bud Dreyton' guy that called yesterday. James was sucked in by Howard's phony call so well that he was telling people that he was going to fly out to California for a new job. Some time yesterday Howard called James with a raspy gay voice and told him that he was this comedy agent. He wanted James to come to California to do some of his material. Then Bud(Howard) started asking James if he would like to come out and stay at his place in California and if he'd like to sleep in the same 'king sized' bed. James never said that he wouldn't! Howard strung him along for the longest time. Then Howard started doing his 'homosayswhat' routine and James would just say 'what?'. Then Howard just hung up on him. James was still fooled. He told Ralph on the way in to work about the whole thing. Then, this morning, Howard called him again before the show. He goofed on him some more and still had him pretty much fooled. This time though, James was bad mouthing Jackie, Stuttering John and Fred! What a loser.
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In the clip we heard Howard getting upset that one of the female interns asked James Taylor out to lunch. He had Kristen come in so he could explain to her what she did wrong. Howard said she can't walk up to the guests and ask them out to lunch. Kristen said she didn't do that. James was still sitting in so he told Howard that he forced it out of her. Howard said that's why he's going to be divorced again.
Howard asked if they're going out to lunch. Kristen said that's up to James. Robin said that she heard her telling James she'd go out with him anytime since she lives in Manhattan.
Jackie said it's funny how she hasn't said a whole sentence to anyone there but then James Taylor comes in and she asks him out. Howard didn't even know her name.
Howard asked Kristen how old she is. She said she's 21. Howard said she doesn't have anything in common with him. She said she has a horse and James has a farm so they can talk about that. Howard asked where she's going to take him out. She told Howard this was turning awful. She said she really didn't think that she would end up going out with him.
Howard asked Kristen how she would ask him out if he wasn't there. He wanted to hear what it would sound like. Kristen said she didn't run up to him saying she was a big fan or anything. Howard said she should go see the movie ''Misery'' because this is what it's like. Howard told Kristen to keep it in her pants. He said she's out of control.
William Shatner Comes In. 2/11/97. 7:50am
Good ol' Captain Kirk dropped by the studio this morning. As soon as he came in Howard told him that Jen the intern was freaking out that he was there. Jen came into the studio to meet her idol. Jen is a ''Trekkie'', she even called herself a nerd because she loves Star Trek so damn much. She even got to touch Shatner while she was in there. The rest of the interview was spent talking about Mr. Shatner's relationships with other members of the original Star Trek. For some reason the other members of the cast hate William. He can't understand it and denies ever having any problem with them. Howard also discussed Shatner's new girlfriend Nayreen. William was in today to plug his new book ''Quest For Tomorrow, Delta Search''. Howard read the dedication in the book and was surprised that it was dedicated to Nayreen. Before Shatner left Howard had to ask him about his penis size. He wouldn't give an answer so Howard assumes that it's small.
Pamela Anderson Comes In. 10/17/03. 8:30am
Howard gave Pam a plug for her web site PamelaAnderson.com and ''Scary Movie 3'' and then brought in this intern who wrote a song for her. He said it was just a short song that he put together for her. He played guitar and sang his little song. He sang to her about how much he'd like to sleep with her even though she has Hepatitis C. Howard called the guy ''Dick Jagger'' after he was done.
Howard asked Pam how she was doing with the Hepatitis C and all. She said that she's feeling pretty good and has a good 5 or 10 years left to live. Howard said he really doesn't want to lose her though and hopes she has longer than that.
Joan Rivers Visits. 03/20/1998. 6:55am
Howard told Joan about this bet they had going on there with the interns. They were all invited to call Joan's show and prank her. Benjy was the one who got through. Howard tried calling himself last night but wasn't able to get through. He said his sister told him that Joan wasn't even on, there was a Knicks game on instead.
Benjy got through on Thursday night and Joan was talking about how great the show was when he came in live. Howard had Benjy come into the studio so he could play his calls and his appearance on her show. Benjy said that he called in as Gay Ronnie, Russian Corey and Southern Benjamin. He made a bunch of different calls and had her fooled each time.
Howard said that he and Fred used to prank calls all the time years ago. He went on to play some clips of Benjy calling in as Gay Ronnie. He told Joan how great she was as a host and kissed her ass a little bit. Then he broke down crying after Joan gave him some life advice. Howard told Benjy he was a great actor. Benjy said that she actually made him feel better even though he wasn't really gay.
Benjy said they had to edit the call down because it lasted about 20 minutes. Howard said he'd love to hear the whole call when they have some time to listen to it. He said that Joan actually found Benjy a date during the show. Howard played some of that discussion where Joan asked Ronnie to call back in if he wanted to date this guy.
Benjy also called into Joan's show as a guy from South Carolina. He told her how great she was and told her he wanted to meet her. Benjy said he had to beg Dorothy to let him up there because she told him that Joan wasn't serious about letting him come up. Howard played some of the audio of Benjy up in the studio being interviewed by Joan after that.
Howard thanked Benjy for that and told him to get out of there. He said he heard that Benjy was on her show for about 1/4 of the whole show.
The Prince Press Conference... Finally. 5/19/00. 7:55am
Howard has been promoting this Prince press conference thing all week but he just got to it today. Prince held a press conference to announce the fact that he's no longer going to use the symbol that he has been using for the past few years. He'll now go back to being called Prince. Howard sent over a new intern by the name of Kevin to ask some questions. It was Kevin's first day so it was pretty wild for him. Howard played a little bit of the press conference before he got to Kevin's questions. Prince rambled on about his name change and eventually took questions from the press. Kevin's first question was ''Who would win in a fist fight between you and Michael Jackson?'' There was a lot of laughter from the press and Prince himself. He said ''Michael's not a fighter, he's a lover..'' and joked about it for a couple of seconds. A short time later Kevin got off his second and final question ''Why were you such a sissy in 'Purple Rain'?'' That brought the press conference to a screeching halt. They announced that the event was over and took Prince away. Kevin said they asked him to shut down his equipment before he was able to ask anymore questions. Howard thanked Kevin and moved on.
Corey The Intern Interviews Richard Simmons. 7/31/98. 6:20am
Howard sent out female intern Corey to interview Richard Simmons at a mall appearance. Corey is a sweet looking young woman who doesn't look like she's from the Stern show. She said that it was a really tough interview. This was her first and last interview. It was so tough that she doesn't want to do any more interviews. She started off with some easy questions for Richard. She asked him a diet question and he answered it. The she asked him if he ever plans on getting married. Richard said that he's 50 years old and all of the people who are his fans are his wives and children. The next question was tough. She asked him if he thinks that fat people are mentally ill. Richard found that question offensive and said that obesity is not caused by mental illness. The question that freaked Richard out was ''Were you molested as a child?''. That one drove him over the edge and he ended the interview. Corey was so embarrassed that she just left the mall.
Melissa Interviews Jamie Lee Curtis. 9/25/98. 7:15am
Melissa the intern went out and got an interview with actress Jamie Lee Curtis. Melissa went to a book signing that Jamie Lee was doing and asked her a couple of easy questions like ''What role do you wish you could have played this year?'' Jamie Lee was annoyed with those questions and wasn't taking them seriously. Then the big question came. Here's a little history...there's been a rumor about Jamie Lee being born with a penis. Howard has heard it a bunch of times and not only about Jamie Lee. He doesn't think it's true but here's what Melissa asked... ''To set the record straight, do you have a penis or not?'' Jamie Lee freaked out. She said to Melissa ''How dare you ask me that in front of children!'' She also told her that she should be ashamed of herself for asking such a question. Then Melissa asks ''Why are you avoiding Howard Stern?'' There was silence from Jamie Lee. That was the end of the interview. Jamie Lee's book is a children book and there were children at the event but Gary said there weren't any kids near them when the questions were asked. Gary had Howard watch the video tape of the interview because it was really funny. Everyone in the studio was watching it and cracking up.
Melissa The Intern Interviews Stephanie Seymour. 9/29/98. 6:30am
Melissa the intern interviewed Jamie Lee Curtis the other day so Howard replayed that tape before getting to the new interview. After that Howard played the tape of the Stephanie Seymour interview. The audio was bad because they had to use a boom microphone to get Stephanie's answers. Melissa asked a couple of soft ball questions then asked ''Could you say something really profound to prove that models aren't dumb?'' That pissed Stephanie off and she didn't answer any more questions.
Gary came in and told Grillo to sit down. He said they had to talk. Howard said he has no complaints about Grillo himself. Gary said he doesn't either. He said he hasn't seen him do anything himself. Gary said Stuttering John came to him recently and told him that Grillo was bossing people around but he chalked that up to them not getting along. Howard said he thought it was John.
John came in said that it's snowballed lately and it's getting worse. He said that Steve is a great guy but he's very abrasive at work. He said he doesn't know how to treat people. He said he's tried to tell him how to do things but he doesn't listen to him. Steve said he's not treating anyone poorly and he's not abrasive with them.
Gay Rich came in and said he wanted to say something to him but he's on a big power trip. He said he's a follower, not a leader, and he's hanging on people's coat tails. Rich said he was voted the least popular there by the interns. Howard asked what he does that gets to them. Rich said Steve yelled at one of the interns for throwing something out in the trash that wasn't supposed to be in there. Grillo started going off on Rich and said he doesn't know. Grillo told him to shut up for a second and he'll tell him. Grillo said it was Kathy who saw someone throw something in the paper garbage.
Jackie said he gets yelled at for throwing his garbage in the wrong thing too. Gary said Howard doesn't even know about this stuff. He said they have to recycle and they don't bother Howard with that stuff. He said they sort his garbage later. Howard said he didn't know they had an intern to do that.
Howard said he's not sure what Grillo did. Rich said he's on a power trip. Howard said he doesn't see that. Grillo told Howard about how he's been told to keep an eye on the interns to see what they're doing. He said he asked Rich what he was doing the other day and he freaked out. He said it's his responsibility to find out what he's doing so he asked. Gary said the problem is that he's confrontational. Grillo said he was told to do that.
Howard said he doesn't see a problem with him asking. Howard had Grillo pretend that he was asking Gay Rich what he was doing. Grillo did that and he wasn't asking in the nicest way.
Rich told Howard that Grillo told Soleil Moon Frye he wanted to go out with her when he was no the phone with her one day. Grillo said he told her he had connections abut that's all he did. Howard said he doesn't want them doing things like that there. He said he's not to pick up people on the show. Howard said the phones there are for business.
Rich said that Grillo never does the work that the rest of them do there. He said he always hands him articles to do and never does them himself. Grillo said that's what he was asked to do. John said that he's asked Grillo to do them and he tells him that he doesn't like the way other people do them so he won't do them himself.
Jillian the intern came in and told Howard about how Grillo has treated her there. She said he doesn't do things nicely and he has told her she's doing things wrong. Jillian said he once told her to get out of there while she was working on logging the tapes and when she came back she saw he was just reading the paper. Grillo said he was doing the news for Robin. He said he does it on that desk all the time. He said he's right next to Gary and he can answer the phone if he has to. That's his desk.
Gary said he can see what the problem is. It's the way he's doing things, not the way he's doing his job. He's not using the word ''please'' and ''thank you'' when he asks people to do things.
Howard said he can tell Grillo is feeling pressure. He doesn't know how to deal with people though. Howard said he has to figure out how to use some savoir faire. He said he'll end up working in the post office if he doesn't. Howard told him to kiss Gay Rich and make up.
Howard asked Grillo what he's going to do. Grillo said he's going to work at it. Jillian said she took Grillo aside off the air and told him what she felt and the next day he bit her head off again. She said he seems very angry with her. Robin said she's heard him kicking and screaming at the wire machine in the other room from her booth.
Howard told Grillo not to pick up people who are on the show either. He said he wants him to start with a new attitude back there. Howard told Grillo to read Robin's book and find out how to cure himself. He told him to make him proud.
Howard tried to help Grillo out by giving him some advice on how to speak to people. Jillian tried giving him some advice too. They wrapped up a short time later.
Richie Sambora Comes In. 3/3/98. 8:40am
Richie Sambora from Bon Jovi has released a solo album titled ''Undiscovered Soul''. He came in to plug the album this morning. Howard also had a game to play while Richie was there so he wouldn't be too boring. Three interns came in with weird stories to tell about something that happened in their lives. Only one of the stories was true so everyone had to try and guess which one it was. Here's a short summary of each intern's story:
Howard spent a while talking to Richie about his wife Heather Locklear. Richie also said that Bon Jovi is still a band and they'll be getting together next year to record a new album.
Marni The Intern's Traumatic Experience With Richard Simmons. 11/9/98. 9:25am
Marni the intern was sent out to interview Richard Simmons at a mall somewhere. She asked him a bunch of questions like ''Do you eat to cover your pain?'' and ''When's the last time you got laid?'' Poor Marni was so freaked out by having to ask the questions that she had to go to her Psychiatrist to calm herself down. This morning she told Howard that Richard Simmons is such a nice guy and has done so much for people that she felt bad asking the questions. Howard told her that Simmons hasn't done anything except make money off of fat people. Marni even said that Richard wasn't as thin as you'd think he'd be for being a diet guru. Marni said she's just not cut out for questioning celebrities. Gary came in and said that he yelled at her one time because she wouldn't tell a caller that Gary didn't want to talk to them. She had to go to the Psychiatrist for that one too. Howard told her that she's just too nice to people.
They went into a segment where Howard had Stuttering Vic come in for the first time. He welcomed him to the show and told him that he was going to be in the wings just in case John screws up and they have to replace him. Howard talked to Vic about his hairy arms and lack of stuttering. Gary told Howard that Vic has problems with W and M words.
Howard said he likes John a lot but he has Vic there just in case he screws up. Howard introduced John and Vic and told John that Vic is his motivation. John said that he doesn't need motivation though. John went out to interview Mr. Rogers but didn't bring Vic with him. Howard told him that he should bring Vic along with him from now on but John wasn't happy about that. They spent some time on that subject and John wasn't sounding too thrilled with any of what they were telling him.
John talked about how cruel Howard can be doing stuff like this to him. Robin didn't think that he was being bad by asking John to do his work.
Howard took a break and after that he got to the interview. He had John and Vic come back in. Howard kept telling the audience that Vic was there to replace John if he leaves. John still didn't seem to happy about that. Howard said John is still their guy for now. He told him not to worry.
Howard played John's interview with Mr. Rogers where John asked him questions like ''Would you like to machine gun Barney?'' and ''Why is Captain Kangaroo so bitter?'' before he got kicked out.
Howard asked if Vic could handle that. He asked John what was going on there. John said they had 2 people pulling him off the guy. They were telling him there were kids there.
Howard said they had great questions for John to ask. He asked John for the list. Howard read through the list and had a bunch of goofy questions for him. Howard told Vic to practice asking those questions. Vic read some of them and John said he knew he was going to do that. Howard had Fred doing his impression of Vic and asked John if he thinks that stutter is pretty funny. John didn't seem to care.
Howard thanked Vic and John for coming in and wrapped up with them. Howard gave Vic some more advice on doing interviews and said they'd work with him since he has a lot of potential. John said he's sick right now but he has to come in no matter what. Howard said that's what's called ''being motivated.'' John said he's the best at it so Howard told him that if he keeps it up then he won't have to worry about it. He said he's not going to be replaced if he can keep it up. They spent a few more minutes talking about that before going to break.
Howard played the interview that John did with Hugh Hefner. John asked Hugh a bunch of questions about his stroke, photographing women with their tampon strings hanging out, and things like that. Hugh stuck around and answered all of his questions.
Howard said he had about a hundred more for the guy but he didn't think he'd get past the second one. Howard said he digs that guy.
Gary said John ran into a protester after the interview and spoke to her. John said she was a cute girl too. He said that she was holding up anti-pornography signs and stuff there. Howard played that clip next. John was asking this woman what she was protesting. She said they were protesting Hugh Hefner for exploiting women. She said that they are being used as sexual objects that men can degrade. John asked if she was opposing Playgirl magazine too. The woman said that men are not degraded the way women are every day but they're not in favor of that. John asked her what she thinks of Howard Stern. She said ''Very little.'' Howard said she's very angry. John said she was very cute and he did ask her to give him a kiss. Howard played the rest of the clip and John asked her more about Howard before asking to pose for a picture with her. He even gave her a huge. John said she wasn't too happy about that. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
Howard had Vic perform his big production number. Vic sang a song about himself and how he's getting famous pretty quick and what a dick Stuttering John is.
After the song Howard gave him some applause. He said the audience was going wild. He told John to give him a standing ovation or he'd be fired.
Howard went to the next category which was for ''Best Stutter of the Year.'' Howard said John usually gets nominated. John said he's sure that Vic will win. Howard said John was actually up for an award. He played John's stutter when he was interviewing Roger Daltrey. The second nomination was John as well. That was just a long stutter they had pulled audio of during the show. Then Stuttering Vic was up for an F-Emmy when he was practicing some of John's questions.
Howard opened the envelope and found that Vic had won. Howard said he won the coveted F-Emmy and told him he could make a speech if he wanted. John even congratulated Vic on the win. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
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Kyle The Canadian Intern. 1/19/99. 7:35am
Howard was talking about how fat and ugly Stuttering John has gotten lately. That led to a discussion about how John used to be the best looking guy on the show but now KC has taken that honor. Gary came in and said that they have a new intern who is really getting the attention from all of the women at the station. Kyle the Canadian intern is so good looking that after he walked away from one of the secretaries she was fanning herself. Howard had him come in to talk to him for a while. It turns out that he spends a hell of a lot of time keeping himself up. He gets manicures and waxes his eyebrows. Then Howard found out that the guy goes to a lesbian bar with a lesbian that works at the station. Kyle says that he's never wanted to have sex with a man after Howard asked him about it. What pissed Howard off was that Kyle is one of those guys who just waits for women to come up to him and ask him out. He doesn't have to go up to them. Howard said that guys like that have no rap and just piss him off.
Howard said Gange went to CW Post and all you need to get in is a pulse. He played more ''Jump'' and said the song is great. He asked Gange some questions about school and what he majored in. He told him to take some voice lessons. He tried giving him a deeper voice with some special effects but even that didn't help. Howard told him to get out of there. Howard wondered if a guy with a voice like that would really go to college thinking he's going to get on the air.
Howard said Gange's parents must be really proud of him. He asked if he wants to be on a top 40 station or something. Mike said he'll take what he can get. Howard said he knows people who work at stations like WNCN and people like Tony Randall listen and call the show to complain about the way they pronounce names.
Howard played the Van Halen song again and talked it up himself this time. He was trying to teach Gange how to do it right. He ended up doing an impression of Gange and goofed on him instead. He was doing the talk up like Gange and coming up with some things he could say. He said he could do an Alison Steel kind of thing too if he wanted. Howard did an impression of what that might sound like.
Howard told Gange to try it again and said that his professor should be teaching him this stuff. Gange said maybe Howard should be teaching a class. Howard said he has a life so he can't do that. Mike did the talk up again and Howard said he didn't do too bad but he kind of gave up at the end. He told him to just talk and explain who he is and that he's new at this. Howard and Robin had Gange saying stuff that Joan Rivers might say too.
A short time later Howard was talking to Gange's professor on the phone. Howard spoke to him for a short time but the guy ended up cursing. He said he didn't know he was going to be on the air. Howard spent a minute talking to him and then let him go. Howard said he's not all that professional using the S-word on the air. Gange said he's more of a TV professor than a radio guy. Howard told Gange to get out of there. He said he has to go rest his voice and prepare to do the Joan Rivers bit they have for him. He had him recite some more lines that Joan would say. Then Howard had him repeat after him and promise not to get into radio and to smash any radio he has. They wrapped up and went to break a short time later.
A Few Minutes With Pete The Tourettes Intern. 10/14/09. 7:05am
Gary said he knew his throat clearing was bad today and he knows that they have a Tourettes intern there so he had to tell him that he wasn't doing an impression of him since he does something similar. Howard said that guy doesn't seem to make any noise. Gary said he really does when he's not in the studio. Gary said he hears him all day long.
Scott and the intern, Peter, came in to talk about the noises he's always making. Howard said that Pete is always out in the hall staring at him. Gary said that's because Scott kicks him out of his studio all the time. Scott denied doing that but Pete said Scott does kick him out. Howard said Pete stares at him and it's fuckin' intense.
Gary said that sometimes Pete will walk in and start talking in the middle of a conversation. Pete said that's part of his Tourettes. He said he can't help that. Pete said that he's on meds but the Tourettes is still bad.
Ronnie came in and told Howard he saw Pete off his meds. He said he was flying all over the fuckin' room. Pete said it's off the charts when he's off his meds. Ronnie said that he picks at his hands all day long.
Ronnie said that he has to defend Scott because having him in that studio is tough. He said that Pete can't stand still. He's like a Mexican jumping bean. Howard said he can't take the stare when he's walking down the hall.
Scott said they found Pete walking around the other side of the building the other day. Pete said he has to get focused and concentrate or he gets lost. Ronnie said he loves Pete. He said he's his boy.
Scott and Ronnie told Howard to let Pete sit on the couch and he'll see what kind of stuff he does. Howard had Pete sit down and the guys told him to be quiet. Ronnie said you have to pretend that nothing is going on and Pete will start doing stuff. Howard said it's not easy to do that.
Howard said that he was going to continue the show. Pete was sniffing and clearing his throat and stuff. Howard said that it must be impossible to get any pussy. Pete said that he has kissed a girl before but that's about it. He said it's so stupid. Pete said that the whole thing is a pain in the ass. Pete said that they say it's genetic but he doesn't agree with it because no one else in his family has it. He said he has two sisters and they're fine.
Howard asked where this girl is that he kissed. Pete said that she's nowhere to be found. Pete said she ran off and he hasn't seen her since.
Pete told Howard he took this girl out to dinner after finding her on a dating site. Pete said she was an Asian chick and she spoke pretty good English. He said he wasn't even sure where she was from. Howard said it must have been cool typing to her on the computer because she saw the real Pete without the Tourettes. Pete said they did call each other on the phone before the date.
Pete said they went out to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and they had a nice meal. He said it was cool. Howard asked what he's like when he eats. Pete said it's bad. He has no concentration at all so he's all over the place. Howard said he has to see him eat. Howard said he's going to take him out to eat.
Pete said that he can't eat pasta because it flies all over the place. He said that he's not sure what he can eat because nothing is really safe.
Pete told Howard that this girl was so hot that he was taken aback by her. He said that she was way too hot for him. Howard asked when he got to kiss her. Pete said it was at the end. He said he was busy cleaning himself off when he got to kiss her. Howard asked who made the first move. Pete said he thinks that she made the first move and she initiated it. He said that it was just a 2 second kiss. Two quick seconds.
Howard asked Pete if he thinks about her when he beats off. He said he does because she was so fuckin' hot. Howard said they have to get Pete laid. Pete is 34 years old and he hasn't gotten laid yet.
Robin asked when he kissed the girl. Pete said it was just back in April of this year. Howard asked if he can beat off okay. Pete said he's okay doing that. Howard asked if he throws doody all over the place when he goes to the bathroom. He said he can focus on that so he doesn't do that.
Gary said that Pete can't hold a piece of paper. The whole thing flutters when he does. Howard had Pete hold a piece of paper and he was holding it just fine. Howard asked if the Tourettes is what makes him stare. Pete said that's what it is because it's a fixation thing for him.
Howard said he likes Pete. He asked him if he wanted to be Robin's assistant. He figured that Captain Dennis wasn't going to last with her so she might need someone new.
Howard said it must be weird for Pete when he stares at him in the hall. He said he doesn't really have a problem with him at all. Howard asked if he was surprised when they hired him. Pete said he was surprised. Howard said he's proud of Tracey for hiring him but then he told her that she's fired. Howard said she must have seen through the Tourettes to actually hire him there.
Howard asked Pete if he had ever been hired anywhere. Pete said he hadn't and he's still living at home. He said he's had odd jobs doing various things but nothing like this. Howard said that anything he does is an odd job.
Howard said he thinks that Tracey hired him to get back at Scott because she doesn't like him. Pete said he has worked at The Gap for 5 or 6 months at a clip. He said that doesn't last long because he's hired as a temp. Howard said he should be a forest ranger or something. He'd be out in the woods alone a lot so he wouldn't have to be around people. He said he could work in a zoo or something. Pete asked how fucked up that would be. He said that the animals might jump on him and shit.
Robin asked Pete what he'd like to do. Pete said he's always been interested in radio and TV. Howard said they have to hook him up. A caller told him that they need to have a Tourettes dating game. Howard said he might have to do that for him. Pete said that would be cool. Howard said if they put Pete on the dating game then they should be able to find a girl for him.
Howard said they have this tape recorder out in the hallway where he walks and whoever the intern is out there is standing there. He said that it's like someone threw it there and didn't think about it. Howard said he blames Gary for that. Gary said that has been there for four years. Gary said it was never an issue until Pete brought it to his attention.
Howard said Scott has a whole studio where they could put that equipment and he's not sure why it's in the middle of the hallway. He said it's ridiculous that it's out in the hall. Pete said he'd be freaked out too if he saw someone like him standing there in the hall.
Howard asked Pete why he's there in the hall when he leaves. Pete said he doesn't do it on purpose and he's never really thought about it. Howard asked Gary why he's standing there at that point. Gary figured he wanted to see Howard walk out. Pete said it is kind of weird. He said that he is recording the show when he's by that piece of equipment but he doesn't need to be standing there for 5 hours straight.
Howard asked Scott why he has that piece of equipment there. Scott said that it was the best spot at the time that they put it there. He said that Pete doesn't need to be there and he can just let it run and record on CD until Howard is gone.
Gary told Howard that Ronnie clears the hallway but he's not around himself so he can't get Pete out of there. Ronnie came in and told Howard that Pete has told him that he has to be there to turn off the recording. Howard told Gary to take care of the problem.
Howard said that they have to get Pete laid. Howard said that they're going to work on something for him. Pete said that would be cool.
Howard asked Pete if he's paid a hooker before. Pete said he did that recently just because of the urge. He said that it was so demeaning but he had to do it. Pete said that she was kind of overwhelmed with him but he explained to her what was going on and she was cool with it.
Pete said he paid $200 for it and she was halfway decent looking. He said she had some pounds on her. Howard said that's what he'd figure for a $200 hooker. Pete said it was an escort that he found in the back of a newspaper.
Pete said that he hooked up with this chick in a hotel and he was kind of afraid of what was going to happen. He said that the hotel was included and the hotel wasn't that bad. He said it was halfway decent. Howard asked how quick she got naked. He said that happened right away. He said she didn't look too bad.
Pete said that the chick didn't want to be kissed. He said he tried but she told him no. Howard said that's a funny rule they have. He said that they're sucking your dick but they won't kiss you. That's fucked up.
Pete said he got a BJ with the rubber on and got to stick it in. He said the whole thing kind of freaked him out. He said that he's not used to talking about it so it doesn't make sense to him. He said it's all weird for him. Howard said that sex is disgusting when you think about it. Pete said he's quite intrigued by it himself.
Howard asked if he was able to last a long time. Pete said he was because of the meds. He said that he was able to finish though. Howard said they have to get him a real date.
Robin said that even Mary Carey's father got a date. Howard said that guy was stroked out too. Pete said he can get a rap going but something stops in the middle of it. Howard said that Mary Carey's father has CP and he was able to get a chick. Howard said that Pete should be able to get a chick as well. Pete said it's the presentation. Howard said they need to work on that.
Robin asked what's going to happen to this Pete when his internship is done. Howard said they might have to keep Pete there as a permanent intern. Pete said that would be cool. Howard asked George if he would fuck Pete if he was single. George said he is a very good looking young man.
Howard said that the Howard TV guys have audio of Scott yelling out in the hall. Scott was going off on Howard for freaking out about someone being in the hallway.
Howard called Scott back in and went off on Scott about that. Howard said he doesn't like the congestion in the hallway. Scott said it's just one person in the hall. Howard said it's his show and when Scott gets his own show then he can make his own rules. Howard said he wants that equipment moved. Scott said they will do that, they've already decided to move it.
Meet The Intern - Heather, NY Knicks City Dancer. 1/9/98. 9:10am
Howard interviewed one of the newest Interns on the show. Her name is Heather and she's a New York Knicks City Dancer. The dancers come out during time-outs and breaks during New York Knicks basketball games. She's very attractive according to most of the guys on the show. Howard asked her to demonstrate some of her dance moves but she said that she didn't want to do them. She said she's too shy. She can dance in front of thousands of b'ball fans but not in front of a few guys in the studio. Gary ended up demonstrating some of their more provocative moves since he's seen them done quite a few times. Gary said that he would try to get a couple of the other dancers to come down and do a demo for the show.
Today's Intern Week was over around 11:50am.
First up this morning we heard a segment where Craig Gass talked about having sex with interns. Here's what I had in my archives:
Howard Finds Something To Interview Craig Gass About. 11/25/02. 9:45am
After taking another break Howard played another ''World's Meanest Listener'' entry from a guy who did a Tom Chiusano roast. The guy did it with a computer voice as if it was Tom talking about himself. After listening to it Howard said it had too much personality to be Tom. He played another one about KC. The fan did it as if it was two gay guys talking to one another with KC having sex with the other guy.
Howard moved on to do the news after that. Craig did a quick Sam Kinison impression and some more of his Adam Sandler. Howard said he heard that Craig banged a couple of his interns. Craig said there was one who hung out with him but Howard said he heard it was 2. Gary said it was three. Gary told Howard what he heard about it. Gary said he heard that when he walked out of the hotel with one of the girls he said ''which way are you going?'' and when she said ''that way'' he said ''ok, well, I'm going that way'' and walked the other way. Craig, now using his own voice, told Howard that some of these interns would hang out at his comedy shows and that's how he met them and hung out with them. Artie said he's been on the show for over a year now and hasn't had any of the interns. He said they just ask him ''Barney, can I get you a cup of coffee?''
Howard said the other guys on the show try to get these girls and have no luck. Craig said one of the girls would show up at his comedy show every Friday night and would follow him around all night. After talking to Craig for a few minutes Howard said he doesn't think Craig likes being interviewed as Craig. Howard showed Craig a couple of pictures of the ex-interns and it turns out he banged two of them. He said one of them he had a long term relationship with and the other one he just banged. There was a third one that Craig said ''something'' happened with. Gary heard that he got anal from her. Craig said it was more like a ''combo plate'' of oral and hand release from her. Craig said that none of this happened while the girls were working on the show. Howard wondered why Craig was saying it was only one intern when it was actually three. Craig seemed to love the interview though. Howard tried to move on to Robin's news but he was so amazed that Craig gets laid that he couldn't get off the subject. One of the interns that he banged called in and said that he sucked in bed and he was really small in the pants. She also said that she was working on the show when he banged her. Howard questioned her about how she hooked up with him. She said they hooked up at one of his comedy shows and he eventually asked her out. He was supposed to take her to lunch but ended up just having sex. He never brought her to lunch. She said he was really quick and she didn't have an orgasm. When he was done he said he had to go and dumped her. She said that Craig is a band groupie and he follows these bands around. She said she thought he was a nice guy before he had sex with her. After that she thought he was a dick head. Howard thanked the intern, who remained anonymous, for calling in. She said she spoke to Artie a few weeks ago at the King of Prussia comedy show and told him this stuff. Artie didn't remember hearing any of it though. Artie remembered who she was and said she was pretty cute. Artie remembers who she was and said she was the intern who was really into Marilyn Manson. Howard eventually wrapped up the call and thanked her for calling in.
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Jimmy Pop, The One Day Intern. 12/6/96. 8:20am
There seems to be a weird story behind almost every intern that has worked on the Stern show. This one might be one of the strangest. This college kid applied to become an intern in 4 separate semesters. He was turned down 3 times in a row by Howard's assistant, Kathy. She said that he just seemed like he'd be wrong for the job. The last time he came in for the interview he was accepted. Kathy said that he seemed to have matured after all of that time. His first day comes up and he calls in and tells them that he can't come in because he just got a record deal. Well that record deal worked out great for this guy and now his single is being played all over the country and the video for that song will be shown on MTV starting this Sunday! The One Day Intern, Jimmy Pop, was in the studio to meet Howard today. He's a real ''high energy'' person which could be confused with just being annoying. Or maybe he's just annoying... but he's such a fan of Howard's that he carries around a radio station list with all of Howard's affiliates on it. He knows where he can hear the show all over the country. He also sampled the ''BABA BOOEY'' sound effect from the show and used it in one of his songs. In another song he sings about Howard. Howard played a bit of his current single Fire Water Burn. Jimmy says that his group, Bloodhound Gang, is a ''white rap band''. If you're into alternative music like they play on K-Rock then you'd probably like the song. It's okay but nothing to go nuts over. The song with the Baba Booey reference in it is another one that's just okay. If you want to get this album I believe it's called One Fierce Beer Coaster. Howard said that he liked the song but he may have done that just to piss off Stuttering John. John put an album out a couple of years ago that only sold like 50,000 copies. Howard thought that John might be a little jealous of this guy. John came into the studio and said that he wasn't.
Zach The Streaking Intern. 5/2/97. 6:20am
Howard was in the middle of a discussion about the Ellen TV show the other night when something odd happened. Someone came running into the studio naked, making weird noises and yelling out ''One night Stan's, one night Stan's...''. Well it turned out to be one of Howard's interns who just wanted to go out with a bang. The ''One Night Stan's'' reference was his brother's night club down in Hollywood Florida. Howard was puzzled right from the second the guy came into the studio. Howard wouldn't let this kid Zach get dressed either. He just stood there explaining himself nude. According to Howard the guy had a very small penis. Zach was a really hard worker according to some people but this just ruined his chances of getting a job at the station. He's just a little too nuts for them. He's also a so called stand-up comic. Howard had the guy stand nude while he played some of his horrible stand-up routine. Zach said that whoever edited his tape must have edited out all of the parts where he was getting laughs. I don't think he did get any. Since Luke Perry was going to be coming in next Howard wouldn't let Zach get dressed.
Luke Perry Comes In. 5/2/97. 7:05am
Since Zach was still nude Howard had him escort Luke Perry into the studio. It must have been some sight. Luke was even goofing on Zach's penis size.
More Song Parody Stuff. 8/31/00. 7:05am
Howard also discussed how General Manager Tom Chiusano has issued a memo about how the new female interns have been dressing. He said that some haven't been wearing appropriate attire and wants them to dress for a more professional environment. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Tom about this and goofing on him about the whole situation. He thinks that Tom has issues and he's having sexual thoughts about the girls that he shouldn't be and that's why he wants them covering up more. Tom denies that of course. He said he's just teaching them how to dress for the real world. Gary said that he just figured they were wearing what 21 year olds are wearing these days and didn't think anything of it. Howard had Katie the intern come in to have Tom check her out to see if she was dress appropriately. She was wearing a tight shirt but that's not the problem Tom has. He's got a problem with cleavage. Gary said that he knows which girl it was that Tom got upset about. She was wearing a tight scoop neck shirt and was showing quite a bit of her ''ample bosoms''. Gary also said that this years Intern Beauty Pageant is going to be killer because there are so many good looking interns.
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Setting Up The Tom Chiusano Prank. 09/23/1999. 6:25am
Howard said that a couple of years ago Tom Chiusano spoke to the new interns they had there. He said that it's become a regular thing ever since then. Howard said one of the guys suggested that they have the interns ask Tom about the company being cheap and then throw in some racist questions. He said they came up with a bunch of horrible, absurd questions for Tom to goof on him. They had one guy ask what he does for his job and things like that. Howard saw that Dennis Rodman was there so he had to cut himself off. He said he'll probably never get to it later in the show because he's got so much coming up.
Goofing On Tom Chiusano. 09/23/1999. 7:35am
Howard moved on to the Tom goof and explained what went on with that. Howard learned that whenever there is a new set of interns on the show General Manager Tom Chiusano gives them a speech. Howard decided to take the new set of interns and have them ask Tom all kinds of wacky questions and secretly tape them. Yesterday Howard took all of the interns and rehearsed them for an hour and a half. He played the part of Tom and the interns would ask the questions. Howard played a little bit of the rehearsal and it showed how much time he took making sure the questions were just right. Then he played the tape of the actual meeting.
The first thing on the tape is Tom giving a long boring speech about what it's going to be like working on the show and how they may be subjected to some pornographic material. He even said that there's an ''unbelievable amount'' of it there. Then he tells them that if they don't want to file away a Penthouse magazine or a XXX tape they don't have to do that. Then the tape goes to the first question. The intern asks Tom if there's anyway they can be reimbursed for transportation into the city. Tom quickly said that there is no money for that and that's part of the downside to an internship at the station. Tom was already irritated by the questions.
The intern kept asking about money and Tom just had to tell him that there is none. Then the next intern asked if they get free CD's that come in. Tom then explained that sometimes there may be some free stuff but it might not be the most recent stuff. They also asked if there would be free concert tickets or backstage passes. Once again, they don't really provide that type of thing but they may get them into a concert if they're working there.
Then an intern asked if they'd be paid when they get on the air like they do at the Letterman show. Once again, Tom had to say no to that. Another intern said that her car was damaged on the way to work and asked if she could be reimbursed for that. Once again, NO. Then she says that she'd like to get on the air and she might have the initiative to go out on the street and interview ''..homeless people and nig*ers..'' Tom goes ''Homeless people and???..'' She pretends that she doesn't know that the word ''nig*er'' is offensive. Tom tells her that ''.. The word nig*er is pejorative in this country.'' Howard then spent about 5 minutes goofing on the way Tom handled that question. Robin said it sounded like his ''robot chip'' blew up. They said it sounded like he couldn't compute that word in his robot mind. They also couldn't believe the word pejorative was used by Tom.
Howard continued the tape and Tom went on to tell the English intern that she should go to KC with her creative ideas. The next intern asked Tom if it's okay if he meets a girl and she wants to sleep with him because he's on the Stern show. Tom then asked if it was a goof for the show. Kathy quickly said no and Tom went on to tell the intern that he doesn't direct other's morals and if he thinks it's okay to do that then it's up to him.
The next question was ''What exactly do you do?'' and Tom explained his job. They also asked Tom if he was responsible for hiring Howard. Tom, surprisingly, didn't take credit for that. Then they asked if he was responsible for bringing the Greaseman to K-Rock. Tom did admit that was ultimately his doing. Tom was running late so he told the interns that he would take two more questions. One asked if it would be a good idea to go out on the street and throw feces on someone for a bit. Tom said that wouldn't be appropriate. Finally they asked if they could use Howard's personal bathroom. Tom told them no and said he had to get going. Howard said after that meeting Tom told Kathy Tobin that she sure picked an odd bunch of interns.
Benjy Interviews Soupy Sales. 6/25/98. 7:45am
Howard played tape of an interview Benjy the intern did with Soupy Sales. Soupy hung around for a bunch of the questions but he was really mellow and didn't sound like his usual wacky self. He asked him questions like ''Did you change your name to hide your ethnicity?'' and some questions about Pee Wee Herman. The question that drove Soupy over the edge was ''Who picked out that wig?''. Soupy said ''What wig?'' and left. A lot of the questions were kind inside jokes about Pee Wee Herman. Years ago Soupy talked about Pee Wee and Howard played the tape. Too much to explain and it's not that interesting.
In the clip Howard had Steve Grillo come in to talk about a speech he was asked to make at a college. Steve said he was asked to go there and one of the other interns, Christine, showed up and asked him a bunch of goofy questions with the help of some friends. Gary said they asked her friends and some strangers to ask some of the goofy questions. Steve said he was expecting this. Gary said he certainly didn't act like he was prepared for it.
Gary said Steve showed up with notes on a loose leaf notebook piece of paper. Steve said he was very nervous about it. Howard played the tape and Gary was there and introduced Steve to the audience. Howard was goofing on him immediately after Gary introduced him.
Steve went into his Jackie impression as soon as he got up there. Howard said there wasn't a laugh in the house. Robin said it was like a morgue. Howard started the tape over again and goofed on Steve some more. Steve had paused after his joke like he was waiting for laughter. He didn't get any.
Steve went on to explain how he got on the Stern show after hearing Howard mention the address of the station. He explained how he sent in his résumé in every detail. Howard said they hadn't even gotten to Christine's questions yet. Gary said there were only 40-50 people there.
Howard played more of Steve rambling on and on about how he got his job up there. He explained how Gary had a totally shaved head and how strange that was for him. Gary came back up and told the crowd about the way Steve had sent in his résumé. Howard cut it off and asked why they do these appearances. Gary said he thinks that they help people.
Howard played more of Gary talking about Grillo. Gary was talking about the letter Grillo sent in and how he felt he would do a great job based on that letter even though it had cross outs in it. Howard asked him why he would send in a letter with cross outs in it. Steve said he didn't remember why he did that. Then he said he did it in class one day and just sent it in.
Howard played more of Steve talking about his internship there and going into every detail about what he did there when he started working. He was talking about logging the tapes that weren't logged yet and things like that. Steve talked about some of the other jobs he had there too. He was talking about how he had to bust his balls to get where he got. Howard and Fred were doing their impressions of Grillo when Howard would pause the tape.
Howard told Grillo he never did an internship. Grillo said that's because it was in the 70s and he's a talented guy so he didn't need to do that.
After an edited out break Howard came back and Gary had Grillo's hand written letter to the show. Howard said that they circled all of the misspellings in the letter. Howard read through that and pointed out everything Grillo did wrong. He had a lot of words misspelled and he spelled résumé with the accent over the U. Howard said he has to print this in a book. He said he did the accent over the U and the S in another résumé. Howard pointed out more of the things Steve did wrong and said he was looking kind of sick. Steve said he had an ulcer or something and he has to go to the doctor for it. Howard said Grillo spelled ''admit'' wrong too. He spelled it ''admitt.''
Howard got back to Steve's speech and people started asking him how long he had to practice microwaving his potato and things like that. Grillo was asked a bunch of goofy questions that didn't have anything to do with internships. They were just nonsense. Howard told Grillo he did a nice job after finishing up the tape. Howard told him that Christine is waiting for him in the office. Gary told him that she'll comfort him.
Howard said it looked like Grillo was about to cry. He told him he did a good job though. Grillo said he wasn't going to cry. Howard said they should have told Christine to record this thing the right way. He said she should have told them she was doing it and they could have written some questions for her.
Stuttering John came in and said he has a professor on the line who says he can't believe Grillo can't spell. Howard picked up on her and she was talking about how she has a lot of people like that in her classes. She said they have kids who can't even use spell check and things like that on the computer. She said she had a pocket dictionary when she was in school. That's what she thinks kids should do now. Grillo wasn't happy with the woman calling in and goofing on him. He said she must be perfect. She said she's not. Grillo was goofing on her accent so Howard told him not to even try and challenge her. Grillo said he bets she's flat. The caller said she'd like to know what his teachers think of his spelling. Grillo said he has a B average so he guesses he gets B's and C's. He said he has gotten A's too.
Howard asked Grillo to bring in one of his papers he got an A on. Grillo said he will if he can find one. Howard said he thinks that he's going to be a bald civil servant eventually. Grillo asked if they were done yet. Howard said he's going to do fine. He said he's a college grad and he'll find something.
Howard let the professor go and she laughed as she was saying goodbye. Howard said he thinks that Christine will go out with Steve. He and Fred goofed on him some more and did their impressions and had him spelling Christine's name ''Gristine.''
Stuttering John came in and said he had a guy from Hunter College who had some information about Steve and he wanted to defend him too. The guy told Howard that Steve is doing fine there at the school and he's not considered retarded or anything like that. He said he's doing fine. Howard said that's not saying much for Hunter College. Howard spent a few minutes with the caller and they were both suggesting that Steve use the computer center there at the school. Steve said that he didn't know about that and you have to find out a lot of that stuff by accident. Howard had to wrap up a short time later. He told him to go meet with that guy on the phone.
Howard asked Steve to explain more about this script and tried to help him out with his ideas. Howard found out more details about the script and goofed on him about the wacky ideas he had. Steve said they have a wrestling team that's really bad and one of the coaches gets fired and another one comes in and he's like Hitler. He turns the team into a really good team. He lets them do what they want... then he said it was confusing to explain. Steve said that the guy has them steal the timers and mats from another wrestling team because they're too poor to have that stuff.
Howard and Fred were laughing and making fun of this script that was going nowhere. Howard asked if he falls in love or something. Steve said they become a real good team, that's it.
Howard said Daniel Baldwin was on the phone saying he wanted to be in the film. Howard picked up on him and talked to him for a minute about that. Daniel said that they were wrestlers when they were younger so he figured he'd call in because he wanted to put on a singlet and go and steal from people. Howard asked if he's attaching himself to the project. Daniel said he thinks they'll be able to get some good directors and writers for the movie so he's going to attach himself to the film. Howard said he knows Daniel is excited about this. Daniel told Steve to go heat up Howard's potato and send him some more pages of his script. Steve asked how he got stuck with the worst of the Baldwin brothers on his film. He said he was just kidding about that though. Robin said he'd be lucky to get any of the Baldwin's on that movie based on his description. Howard told him to write a script for Mike Judge since he's coming in soon. They went to break a short time later.
The 1998 Winter Intern Beauty Pageant. 12/8/98. 7:40am
Yes, it's that time of year once again. Each time the end of an Intern semester comes to an end Howard and the gang hold an Intern Beauty Pageant. This time there are 5 contestants and 3 judges. The Judges for this pageant are KKK member Daniel Carver, Gary the Retard and ex-intern Gay Rich. Howard introduced each of them, gave Gary the Retard a quiz, then quickly moved on to the pageant. Each contestant was first judged on their beauty. Howard then questioned them to get an idea of their personality. Last but not least was the Talent portion. Each contestant sang a song parody about themselves. Listed below are the scores that were given by each judge.
Contestant number 1 was Melissa, a 22 year old wearing a bikini top. Howard asked her a few questions like:
| Melissa | Beauty | Personality | Talent | Totals |
| Daniel Carver | 10 | 10 | 8 | 28 |
| Gary Retard | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Gay Rich | 5 | 9 | 7 | 21 |
| 79 |
Contestant number 2 was Janine. She's a 21 year old and was wearing some kind of see through outfit. Some of the personality questions asked were:
| Janine | Beauty | Personality | Talent | Totals |
| Daniel Carver | 8 | 4 | 6 | 18 |
| Gary Retard | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Gay Rich | 10 | 9 | 9 | 28 |
| 76 |
Contestant number 3 was 23 year old virgin Ann Marie. She was wearing a mini skirt and a shawl. Personality questions included:
| Ann Marie | Beauty | Personality | Talent | Totals |
| Daniel Carver | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Gary Retard | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Gay Rich | 9 | 7.5 | 8 | 24.5 |
| 84.5 |
Contestant number 4 was red head Siobhan wearing an ugly dress according to Gay Rich. Some of her personality questions included:
| Siobhan | Beauty | Personality | Talent | Totals |
| Daniel Carver | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Gary Retard | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 |
| Gay Rich | 5 | 9 | 8 | 22 |
| 82 |
The final contestant was Marni who almost didn't enter the contest. One of the CBS guys talked her into entering it though. Howard asked her a few sex questions but she pled the 5th and didn't give any answers. For the talent portion Marni sang ''Marni The Intern'' to the tune of ''Frosty The Snowman.''
| Marni | Beauty | Personality | Talent | Totals |
| Daniel Carver | 9 | 8 | 9 | 26 |
| Gary Retard | 10 | 10 | 1 | 21 |
| Gay Rich | 9 | 6 | 8 | 23 |
| 70 |
While Gary was tabulating the scores Howard brought in 2 former winners Heather and Deb. He spoke to them for a minute then Gary announced the runners-up and the winner. The winner won a bunch of stuff like:
Let The Cat Fighting Begin! 12/8/98. 9:35am
After the beauty pageant was over a couple of the contestants got in a little bit of a fight. Melissa mentioned something about the winner Anne Marie wearing a slutty outfit. Melissa said that if she knew that she could wear a slutty outfit she would have. Gary said he let the girls know that they could wear any ''sexy outfit'' they want to. Some chose gowns, some chose bikini tops. It's all in good fun right? Now that the prizes are so good the fighting should get even better!
Gary said Jillian wanted to come in on Labor Day and work and he told her she didn't have to do that. She works very hard there.
Howard said Jillian went out on a blind date and got run over. Jillian told Howard that she gave him a kiss goodbye and it was just a nice kiss. She didn't want to go too crazy. She said she had to go around his car and when she did that he backed up and slammed into her. She ended up under his car. She said he was driving an Acura Integra and she ended up under it. She said he ran her over completely. Jillian said the back of the car hit her and then the tire hit her. Howard said maybe she did something wrong. Jillian said she thinks she was fine. Jillian said the guy got out of the car and just said ''Oh my god!''
Howard asked Jillian what part of the car hit her. Jillian said she went down and the car ran over her. Then he went forward and ran over her again. Howard asked if she was able to walk with the broken leg. She said she couldn't walk. She said that once her cousin came out the guy got nervous and just left. She said that she's going to give her friend a piece of her mind today when she tells her what this blind date she set her up on did to her.
Howard asked what time the date ended. She said it was around 10 and she didn't get home from the hospital until after midnight. She came into work even though it happened the night before. Howard said he would have been out a month, at least, if that happened to him.
Jillian said she's looking for a date now that this one hasn't worked out. She said it was definitely was a unique experience. Howard said a lot of people don't realize how important this show is. Jillian shows people just how important it is by showing up to work the day after getting run over by a car.
Howard let Jillian go and laughed at her story for a couple of minutes. Howard said his theory is that he wanted to teach her a lesson after having a bad date. Robin said she thinks it was a bad date and he was anxious to leave.
Stutterers John And Vic Attempt To Interview Regis And Kathie Lee. 10/25/1994. 7:10am
Howard said that Ralph is way too happy for such an unsuccessful guy. He had the guys bring in Stuttering John and Stuttering Vic. He had to direct the two of them on how to set up their microphones so the cameras could see them. He also pointed out Vic's new hair cut and how awful that looked. He said it was parted funny and just didn't look right. Vic said that he goes to this place that screws it up every single time. He said he doesn't have much of a choice so he keeps going back there.
Howard said that the boys went out to get an interview with Regis and Kathie Lee. John said that they were promoting a cook book. Howard asked John for the list of questions but he didn't have them. Howard told John that means that Vic is going to get his job and he can go out and do some interviews on his own.
Howard played the interview that John tried to do with Regis. Regis wasn't answering his questions, neither was Kathie Lee. Stuttering Vic gave it a try after John failed. Vic said he was stuttering like crazy too. Howard said he doesn't get the attraction to those two nitwits. He can't imagine anyone with a brain going to see those two.
Jackie said he was watching football the other night and said that Frank Gifford was looking like the crypt keeper at that point. Howard said he heard that Kathie Lee hangs pictures of Frank from when he was young up on the walls when they have parties at their house. Billy West said his eyes look like two pee holes in the snow these days.
Howard played the clip of Stuttering Vic trying to interview Kathie Lee Gifford. He asked her ''have you stolen Oprah's hair cut?'' but she didn't answer. Howard got a hold of the questions that he was supposed to ask but they edited out. There were questions about Frank and if he could get aroused without injecting something into his penis. There were also questions about her menstruation and things like that. Those were the questions that were cut out though.
Howard got back to Vic's tape and he was stuttering like crazy as he was trying to ask his questions. They eventually kicked Vic out of there. Billy was doing an impression of the woman and saying what she really meant to say to him when she was asking him to leave nicely.
The guys goofed on Stuttering Vic's odd stutter for a short time. Robin said she didn't know his was that good. Some of his stutters sounded kind of like a helicopter so Fred threw in those sound effects while they were goofing on him.
John told Howard that Stuttering Vic doesn't masturbate and told Vic to tell him why. Vic said he's got carpel tunnel syndrome and it hurts a lot so he doesn't masturbate. He said he hasn't done that for the past year and a half or so. Howard made him swear on his future earnings and career that he really didn't masturbate. Vic said that he's not lying, he wouldn't lie about something so stupid.
Howard told Vic that maybe he should ask his mom to help him out. They continued to make fun of his stutter while they were talking to him about all of that. Howard said it only takes like a minute to get off so he figured that he could get through it. Vic said that it really hurts even after he's done doing it. Howard said he thinks the feeling of pleasure should be better than the pain. Jackie said it sounds like more of a religious thing or a guilt thing. Howard asked him if his parents told him not to do it or something. Vic said that's not it. He didn't even want to talk about this stuff this morning. Vic said he knew this was going to make his life hell.
Howard said he thinks he'd find any way to do something like that if he had the pain that Vic has. Vic said he doesn't care about that stuff anymore. He's only 21 years old though. Stuttering John laughed when he heard that. Howard thinks that there's something else going on there but he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He went to break a short time later.
Robin The Intern's $4,000 Pet Funeral. 9/24/03. 6:50am
Howard said they have an intern there who spent $4,000 on her cat's funeral. He had her come in so they could talk to her about that. The intern, Robin, came in and said that they really loved their cat. He was 23 years old when he died. She said that it was just her and her two sisters who were at the funeral. The grave diggers were the pall bearers in the funeral. She said they had a white coffin for the cat and they had the cat laying on his side with his paws stretched out. She said they asked her how they wanted it positioned before they put him in the coffin. Robin said that they treated them like it was their parents who had died. She said they had an open casket before the funeral. She said the cat is buried next to Joan London's dead horse in this pet cemetery. Howard sounded pretty surprised that she had her horse buried. She said the headstone was very expensive because they had his name carved in it and his face etched into it as well. Gary said the cemetery has a web site and she was looking at it the other day wishing that they could have afforded the larger headstone. Artie found some of this very funny and started to laugh out loud when he heard that they had the bench in front of the casket so they could kneel in front of it. He joked that he had to take off tomorrow because his ferret was receiving it's first communion.
Robin said that the cat was frozen after it died and when it was sitting out it started to defrost. Artie also thought it was funny that Robin said the cat had died ''at home.'' He asked ''Where else would it have died, at work?'' He laughed hysterically as he was joking around about this stuff. He asked why they didn't just throw the cat out.
Jeff the Drunk called in and called Robin a ''big dumb pussy.'' Howard hung up on him and took a call from a guy who asked if they had an obituary put in the paper. She didn't so the guy said he just dug a hole and buried his cat when it died. Howard said his cat died a few months after his divorce so it was really sad around that time anyway. He said he had to go home and talk to the kids about the cat dying. They all said goodbye to the cat and put it in a shoe box and ''disposed of it.''
Howard asked Robin if she's had any cats pass away. She said she had one of hers die but she didn't know it very well. She had the vet's office just take care of it for her. She said the cremated it. Gary said that they his buddy had a $400 vet bill for a gerbil that had to get an abortion. Most people would just buy another gerbil instead of spending that kind of money on a rodent. The listener on the phone said that he's just going to bury his favorite pet dog in the back yard when it dies. He's not going to spend tons of money on a funeral.
Howard took a call from a guy who said that he doesn't think the girls at Scores are all that hot. Howard said they were really hot last night and didn't know what the guy was talking about. Howard took another call from a guy who invited them over to a bar mitzvah for his cat. The guy also asked how creepy the funeral director at a pet cemetery must be. Robin the Intern added that they have to pay a $230 fee every 2 years for maintenance. Artie said the pet cemetery people must be laughing their asses off over this. Another caller told Howard it's actually illegal to bury a dog in your back yard. Howard said that's right because it can contaminate the ground water.
Some people started trying to figure out Robin's age. She'd said that she had this 22 year old cat since she was 13 and it died about 6 years ago. It turns out that Robin the intern is 39 year old but Howard said she doesn't look that old and he would have thought that she was a young college student.
Mariann from Brooklyn called in and told a pet story of her own. She also told Howard that High Pitch Erik lost a pet and ended up throwing it down the incinerator instead of disposing of it properly. Howard had to take another break after that.
In the clip Benjy told Howard about how he picked up this person he thought was a woman on a phone line. He said he met her and went to her apartment. He said she brought him into her dark room. He said this happened a year ago.
Benjy said the parents were home when he was there. He said he went into her room and he was scared by the things she had hanging from the ceiling. He said she had bats and things hanging there. Benjy said a lot of girls dig him so he wasn't thinking much of this. Howard said his hair looks horrible.
Howard asked what happened next. Benjy said they were kissing but they didn't French kiss or anything. Robin said he was kissing a guy though. Howard said he thought it was a girl so maybe he's not gay.
Benjy said the girl had boobs but they weren't really big. Howard said maybe she took hormones. He said that's what Siobhan did. Jackie asked Howard if he got to the point where he had the slightest suspicion it was a guy, what would he do. Howard said he'd be out of there.
Benjy said he has really hot girlfriends believe it or not. He said his ex lives out in California. Howard said he doesn't believe it. Benjy said he's seeing a woman now but she's married.
Benjy told Howard the rest of the tranny story and said that he realized it was a guy but he was afraid that he was going to kill him. Benjy said that he started getting real sad and started crying a little bit. He said he told him that he had a girlfriend so he was upset and couldn't do anything. He said the guy started cradling him so he felt really weird. Benjy said that the guy wanted him to stay there until 11 in the morning until her dad left. Benjy said he convinced her that he had to get out of there and eventually left. They wrapped up the interview after that.
Today's Intern Week was over around 11:50am.
Best of Intern Week was over around 10:55am.