|Friday||Latest Master Tape Theatre|
A very drunk Henry Hill calls in. 8/22/96.
Henry Hill, an ex-mobster, called in this morning to tell Howard that the story about John Gotti getting punched in prison was true. Henry was very drunk and obnoxious on the phone. He was laughing about Gotti getting 'bitch slapped' by a black man. He was thrilled! Henry says that the mob will never get that black guy because they don't have any power anymore. Henry isn't even afraid of being caught himself. He was or is in a witness protection program but today he was telling millions of people where he is. Henry even started telling Howard where some bodies were buried! But he was so drunk he wouldn't finish a thought. Plus Robin kept interrupting Henry and that really pissed him off. Every time Robin would make a sound, Henry would yell at her for a couple of minutes. Henry eventually told Howard a couple of burial sites. Howard said that he wants to have a scavenger hunt for some of the bones. At one point another mob guy called in and started calling Henry a 'fag'. The two of them called each other names for a good 5 minutes. They were cursing so much that Howard was hitting the delay button every couple of seconds and he still couldn't catch all of the curses. The other guy on the phone was saying that someone would eventually bury Henry but Henry didn't really care. Henry was telling this guy where he was so he could do it himself. I wonder if that was the alcohol talking... Howard finally got tired of trying to get anything out of Henry so he had to hang up on him.
In the clip Howard was talking to Stuttering John about a video he was releasing and how he was going to rate it. Howard said it should be rated PG-40. John asked Howard about what kind of back stage footage the tape is going to have and things like that. Howard said he had some video of Debbie Tay and Elaina Beasty behind the scenes and that is the sexiest thing he saw. He said some of the interns got sex too. He said Grillo got one of the contestants. Howard said he heard that from Fred. He said the contestant was very pretty too. He said Grillo already lost her though.
Gary said Howard knows what he was doing there before he got married. Howard said he doesn't get why Gary got married. Gary said he had done enough and he was ready to settle down. Howard and Gary talked about some of the girls they dated. Howard said Gary had some girls that were pretty ugly. Gary was even with one girl who vomited while they were having sex. Gary said ''So...'' when Howard brought that up.
Gary said he heard a liquid sound hitting a pillow and that's how he knew the girl had thrown up. Howard said maybe some guys can look at that as a positive. He asked if he's ever given a girl diarrhea. Jackie laughed at that line like it was the funniest thing ever.
Howard asked who cleaned up the mess. Gary said that they moved rooms and it was at her apartment so he doesn't know. Gary said he has another story to tell too. He said he brought a girl home and she was really drunk. He met her at a K-Rock party. He said he brought her back to his place and started making out. He said they weren't getting too heavy but her eyes started to get heavy. He said he knew what was coming so he brought her to his bathroom and she vomited. Howard said he can see why. He asked Robin if she would vomit if she kissed Gary. Robin said people can't believe that Gary's wife kisses Gary. She said people are shocked. Gary said that only two women have vomited and alcohol was involved. John said it's like kissing a plunger.
Gary said this girl vomited and she had vomit in her hair after her hair had fallen into the toilet. Gary said he cleaned her up and had her use some mouth wash and a toothbrush and he brought her back into his room and started kissing her again. He said her eyes rolled back again so he dragged her back into the bathroom and she puked again. Gary said they cleaned up again and he put her in his room. He said she passed out in there. Gary said his buddies came over and saw her passed out on his bed so they were all looking up her skirt. He said they didn't do anything but they looked. Gary said she wasn't wearing any underwear that night.
Howard said that he would have done the same thing as Gary. Gary said it was like 3 in the morning so he woke the girl up because he had to get going. Gary said she didn't know where she lived so his buddy told him to just leave her on the corner. Gary said he drove her to her local area and drove her up and down the street trying to find her apartment. He eventually found it and it was a 5 story walk up so he had to carry her up to her apartment.
Gary said he finally got her home, dropped her off and went on his trip. He said the roommate didn't even ask what was going on. Gary said he had a key part of the story but he wasn't sure if he could tell it. Howard told him to just tell the story. Gary said as they were walking up the street the girl kept saying she had to go to the bathroom. He said they were getting close to her apartment but she went in the bushes at the Museum of Natural History and she went. He said he just stared at her as she was going.
Howard said he could tell that Jackie wanted to tell a story. Jackie said it wasn't better than Gary's story. Jackie told Howard that he had a girl perform an act on him one night and he was drunk out of his mind. He said that the next day he remembered there was some gagging going on the night before. He said he's not all that big so he wasn't sure what the gagging was. He said he went to the bathroom and saw in the hair there were chunks. Howard said he didn't want to hear anymore. He told Jackie he always has to out do everyone. Jackie said they were big chunks and it was the most horrendous thing ever. Howard said that was very good, they've learned about Gary, Jackie and Fred. They went to break after that.
Who Wants To Be A Vaginal Millionaire. 2/7/00. 7:45am
Six foot two inch tall porn actress Annie Ander Sinn came in last week and offered to have sex with one of Howard's listeners. Howard decided to play a game of ''Who Wants To Be A Vaginal Millionaire'' where the contestants would play for sex with Annie. Each contestant had to answer 3 questions correctly to win sex with Annie. If more than one person won, they'd all get to bang her for a movie she's making. The first contestant was Phony Phone Call King, Captain Janks. Howard played a couple of his phony phone calls while Annie got into a bikini right there in the studio. Howard then went to the questions.. er, uh question..
The second contestant was a very drunk Hank the dwarf. Gary said he's never seen Hank this drunk before. He could barely stand up alone or pay attention to Howard. He also stunk so bad that KC had to lead him around like a dog on a leash. Howard asked Hank a couple of questions:
The third contestant was a listener by the name of Tony. Howard was surprised at the size of this guy's body. It turns out he's a body builder. Tony claims that he got laid last night so he's not desperate. Howard asked him his questions:
After taking a break Howard came back to continue with the game. The fourth contestant was John The Stutterer.. not the same as Stuttering John. John was on the show back in August. He's a 31 year old virgin so Annie could possibly take his virginity. Here are his questions:
Hank the dwarf came in and got his final question of: ''What famous director directed 'Beetlejuice' and 'Pee Wee's Playhouse'?'' Hank answered Rob Reiner and got it wrong. Captain Janks then prepared to play for his chance. As Howard asked him if he was ready he said ''Yes Regis.. I'm ready'' and Hank had no clue why he made the reference to Regis. Of course this whole Millionaire thing was brought about by the TV game show but Hank had no clue. Howard then got Annie to agree that if Hank could spell Regis Philbin she would use her hand on him. Hank was able to do it so he won the hand job.
Finally, Janks got his question: ''What year was it a decade ago?'' He got the answer correct with 1990. Then Gary came in to tell them that the winners would be going in order of winning so Janks would be last in the line up of 4. Janks didn't seem to thrilled about that.
Sal The Stockbroker's ''Brian Phelan Drunk Game.'' 11/02/04. 6:35am
Howard came back from break and said that he was watching tape of Sal the Stockbroker goofing on Ronnie the Limo Driver after yesterday's Scores party discussion. Howard said it was kind of uncomfortable after the show yesterday when Ronnie was driving him around. He had to talk to Ronnie about that party though because of what went on with that party. Sal had also taken a tape recorder to the club and caught Brian Phelan from E! extremely drunk there at Scores. Howard seems to think that he gets that wasted because he's married with a kid now and that's his only escape. Howard played the tape and Brian could barely speak. Ronnie comes in at one point and at the top of his lungs, asks him what's wrong with him. Gary came in a short time later and told Howard they had a Brian Phelan Drunk Game that Sal created. Gary got that ready while Howard plugged something that his girlfriend is doing tomorrow. She's part of a fashion show at the Garden City Hotel where they're trying to get some dogs from Florida adopted. They were left homeless after the hurricanes down there so a bunch of models will be there walking a runway to promote this thing.
Howard started the Brian Phelan Drunk Game. Sal asked Brian, while he was really drunk at Scores, to spell fellatio. He spelled it ''FALICHEO.'' Sal then asked him ''What is the chemical symbol for water?'' Brian and Sal had come in to listen to the game. Brian said he doesn't even remember the question from that night. He was drinking tons of shots that night and he doesn't remember much of anything because they all hit him at once. Brian actually did know the correct answer of ''H2O.'' Brian was asked ''A baby goat is known as what?'' after that question. Brian answered ''Billy.'' Sal asked him to spell ''Inebriated.'' Brian spelled it ''ANEBRIATED.'' He was asked a couple more so here they are:
Sal was telling a story about seeing Howard and Beth at a party one night and the two of them were just making out like 14 year olds. He was wondering if he wants to be left alone at parties like that or if he wants to hang with other people. Howard said that he goes to parties to hang out with people.
Howard said that he went out with his buddy Pat one night and two women came up to them and took their shirts off. That doesn't happen all the time though. Chaunce was talking about the lunch he's had with Howard but Howard said that he didn't hang out with him, he just saw him there at the restaurant and asked him to come over and say hello. Chaunce said it was weird because Howard kept asking him about his boat which was very odd to him. Chaunce also said that Howard was rubbing his leg and arm the time he hung out with him and had a few drinks. Howard told him he's a weirdo and ended up hanging up on him.
Howard got back to the Scores tapes that Sal got. He had a clip of Jason talking about some of the people on the show who he thinks are ass kissers and scumbags. He was pretty drunk at the time and told Howard that he can't even remember that night. Artie was goofing on Jason's voice since it sounded so high in that tape. That led to the guys talking about the pictures they have on Howard's web site today. They had a ton of pictures from the Hollyweird Squares game. They were talking about the Spit Whores, Nicole Bass and some of the other pictures they had on there. Howard had to take another break a short time later.
In the clip Robin was reading a story about a woman who had found her husband sleeping with her sister who was an amputee. Robin read the letter that had been written to Ann Landers. After hearing that story Jackie told Howard the story about the woman he had sex with who had a wooden leg. He said he knew she had hobbled into the party that he was at and she was wearing blue jeans. Jackie said he was told she had a fake leg on her. He said she was the hottest chick there at the party though. He said he didn't remember taking her leg off that night. He said he went to the bathroom the morning after he had sex with her and found the leg in the bathroom. He said he remembers having sex but not taking her leg off.
Jackie said he was repulsed. He said he ran out of the apartment after he found the leg. Jackie said the girl was from Detroit so he never saw her again. He said he let his roommates deal with her. He said it was so weird.
Howard said Jackie is going to rot in hell for that. Howard said he made love to some real pigs in his life. He said he didn't know what to say to them the next day and he just wanted things to be erased the next day. He said he's sure they didn't get anything out of it either. He said he must have sucked. That's why he's still in hell every day of his life.
In this clip we heard Howard talking about how Grillo had walked him into the building this morning and he failed to tell him about some vomit out in the street. He said you'd think the guy would tell him about that. Gary said he had a story about Grillo and how he had no recollection of this intern he had called at 3 in the morning. Gary said Grillo blacked out and he didn't even realize it. Howard said they might have another alcoholic there.
Grillo came in so Howard talked to him about this problem he has. Grillo said he's only blacked out like 2 other times. Howard said he's never blacked out. Grillo said he was drinking Jagermeister and he got blasted on the stuff. Grillo said he knows friends who have real drinking problems and he doesn't think it's that bad. Howard said if he's blacking out, it's bad. Howard and Fred goofed on Grillo about the Jagermeister thing and about the way he talks.
Robin asked Grillo if he really doesn't remember this. Grillo swore he didn't. He said he blacked out one other time and ended up in a camp ground that he didn't recognize. Howard said he probably woke up with a painful ass too.
Howard said they should call Grillo ''Jagermeister General'' instead of Grillo. Howard and the guys asked Grillo why he drinks and if he does it so he doesn't feel nervous. Grillo said it just relaxes him. Howard said they all have their addictions and problems but they don't black out from them. Howard said Grillo may have a big problem. Grillo said maybe he does. Howard asked Jackie if he ever drank to black out. Jackie said he can't think of not drinking to that point.
Various Stuff. 10/12/00. 6:05am
Howard and the crew spent a little while discussing last night's Yankees game. Howard tuned in around the 6th inning and thought that they were going to lose but this morning he found out they'd won. Stuttering John was at the game so he shared his stories about beer drinking. He had a hard time getting enough beer to keep him happy. Once again Howard and Robin pointed out how this drinking thing is becoming a problem for John because he always has a beer in his hand when he goes somewhere. John doesn't think it's a problem, he's just enjoying himself. He said he paid for some of the beer he drank but his buddy bought the rest. He said he had ten 16 oz cups of beer at the game last night. He won't admit that he's a heavy drinker but Robin and Howard tried to get it through his head that he is drinking a little too much. Howard told him to stop just for this weekend. John said ''No way!'' because he's heading out to Los Angeles and he needs to drink while he's out there. He still denies being an alcoholic but every time Howard told him to just give it up for a week he'd say he can't do it this weekend. He'll be drinking with Jackie and Gary so it's not an option. Howard said he doesn't know why he was doing this ''encounter group'' with John because there are other cool things they could be doing on the show.
Ralph Hanging Out With Pam Anderson!? 08/04/04. 6:00am
Howard has his hands in a lot of projects right now and he said he told his agent that he's got too many things going on. He's not having fun because there are just so many of them. He had to cut that story off to talk to his buddy Ralph. Ralph was on the phone to talk about his night at Scores with Pamela Anderson. Howard said he got the call from him last night from Ralph who was hanging with her at Scores and he wanted him to come down. Howard told the story about how Ralph hooked up with her. He ended up at a hotel with her.
Ralph said that Pam was wearing jeans at Scores and they ended up being too long and too tight so they ended up cutting them down to Daisy Duke size jeans. Pam was there with Ralph when he called in so he put her on the line to talk to Howard. Pam said that Ralph was there again cutting her clothes off again. Pam said that she had about 20 people in her room so Ralph wasn't the only one there. She talked about how they were at Scores until 4 in the morning just having fun. She said she doesn't get out that much these days.
Pam got her hair cut by Ralph as well as getting the jeans cut up. She told Howard that she is not doing Ralph or anything so Howard sounded relieved. Pam wanted to get going but Howard didn't want to let her go. She told him that she called him last night at around 9 to get him to come hang out but he didn't call back. Howard said that he sleeps at that time because he has to get up at 4 in the morning. Pam said sometimes you just have to change things up.
Howard was pissed that Ralph was getting in on his action hanging out with Pam. Artie and Howard were ready to walk over to the hotel room to hang out. They were going to call in the show over the phone. They were serious. Howard told Ralph to call in and give them the address so they could come down. Artie asked if there was any Jack (Daniels) there. Ralph said there's a mini-bar there so he's all set. As soon as Howard ended the segment he was ready to run over to the hotel room. Gary came in and said they were all set and they had everyone ready to run over to this hotel room. It was only 2 blocks away according to Ralph.
Howard said that it'll be him, Gary and Artie going over to the hotel room. They'll call in and Scott the Engineer will run the board. Robin and Fred will take over if the show gets out of control from the hotel room. He was wondering what else they could go to if they had to kill some time. Gary said he had some Ali G Show stuff but Howard didn't want to play that. Jason came in and said they could play the Gary Love Tape in full if they had to. That runs about 15 minutes so they could use that. Artie said he'll be drunk by 6:40 this morning. Jason asked Howard if he needed this stuff photographed for the web site. Howard complained about some of the pictures he'd taken for the web site yesterday but he was so distracted by what he was about to do that he dropped it and went to commercial break so he could run over to the hotel room.
Howard Phones In The Show From Pam Anderson's Hotel Room. 08/04/04. 6:40am
After the commercial break Robin came back live and had Scott the Engineer bring up the phone where Howard was supposed to be on. It was actually Gary who was on the line. Gary told Howard to come over to the phone because they were live. Howard had him put the phone on hold so Robin had to explain what had just happened. Howard got on the line in the middle of that so he told Robin about all of the girls that were there. They had a bunch of Scores girls hanging out in Pam's hotel room. He said that it was the best scene and Pam was wearing the best outfit he'd ever seen. He ended up signing her ass after everyone in the room had done it.
Howard said that she was wearing a belly chain and her Daisy Duke jeans that Ralph had helped her create. Howard said the party they had there was her kind of party. The girls kept interrupting him while he was trying to talk to Robin on the line. He ended up talking to Pam for a minute and said that he thinks that there is something going on between the two of them. Howard had her come over to him so he could be as close to her as possible. He asked her to take off her cut-off jeans so she was doing that. Then the girls in the room were asked to take their clothing off as well.
Howard had Pam come close to him so he could hug her. Then he told Pam that the lie detector test proved that she does have feelings for him but she said that he still wouldn't kiss her. Howard got on the floor with Pam and laid under a table in the room. Pam said she didn't remember all that happened at Scores last night. She remembered riding in Chuck Zito's Corvette but that was about it. Pam was touching Howard's hair telling him how curly it was. He tried to touch hers but hurt her somehow. Ralph got on the line and said that Howard and Pam were rolling around on the floor together. Howard wondered how Ralph got in on that whole thing.
Pam's phone was ringing and she said that it was her boyfriend. She then said she doesn't have a boyfriend but didn't want anyone to answer her phone. Howard asked her to talk about what she did yesterday. She did her book signing so Howard asked her how that went. She talked a little bit about the book signings and about going to Scores again. She was all over the place talking about different things while Howard was sitting next to her. She was hurt by something in his pants so she had backed away from him. Howard threatened to leave at one point but she told him he couldn't because she loves him.
Howard wanted to go back to the studio if Pam wasn't going to talk to him. She didn't want him to leave so she agreed to be interviewed. She asked for some more champagne and got it within a few seconds. She wanted Robin to come down to the hotel room as well but she had to stay at the studio. Howard was ready to give up on the whole thing and just go to the Baba Booey love tape.
Pam forced some Champagne down Howard's throat and he said he loved it. Pam pulled her boob out at one point but Howard missed it. He asked her to do it again after he was saying he had to get going. One of the Scores girls, Dakota, wanted to tell some jokes so Howard let her get on the line for a minute. She told some really lame Blond jokes that didn't get any laughs. Artie got on the line after that and said that the jokes were visual. He told Robin that the girls weren't really dressed or undressed, they were somewhere in the middle. Dakota was interrupting him and saying that she wanted KC to play some Slayer. She kept talking to him as he was trying to talk to Robin.
Gary got on the phone next and told Robin it was quite a scene in there. Pam had a rack full of clothing in there and Ralph had a girl on his lap giving her a massage. He was supposed to get Howard to do a Hemorrelief commercial but he wasn't able to make that happen. Robin asked him why they weren't doing anything because they were on the radio. Gary asked the girls to take their tops off for the radio. They all took their tops off a short time later. One of the Scores girls got on the line and said that she got implants done because she was inspired by Pam.
Jason told Gary to spank some of the girls because they were talking too much. Some of the girls got spanked but then Howard got back on the line and said that he had his shirt off. He said he was going to come back to the studio soon. Howard told Pam to take her shorts off after she asked him to take his off. Artie got back on the line while that was happening. He said that Pam was barely wearing anything at this point.
Dakota from Scores got on the line and did a Trim Spa commercial for them. She read the copy they had with them and talked about the product for a minute. She talked about Gary losing 39 pounds on the stuff. She said that he looked really good now that he's lost his weight.
Gary said she was great on her first time doing a commercial. Gary told Robin that they were going to be leaving shortly to come back to the studio. Ralph got on the line and said he wasn't going anywhere, he was going to stick around at Pam's hotel room. Dakota interrupted and got back on the line to give her Grandma Pastorello a shout out. Gary got back on quickly and told Robin to play the Baba Booey love tape and that they should call him back when they have 4 minutes left so they can run back last minute.
Robin said that they should have the girls doing stuff in this hotel room. Gary said that there are no cameras there so the girls weren't doing anything. Howard got back on the line and described what Pam was wearing. As he was doing that she was pulling his pants off. He said he had to get out of there before he was naked. Gary got back on and said that they should go to commercial so they can get out of the hotel room and come back.
The first was a clip from May 12, 1988 where Robin talked about Howard Cosell in the news. This wasn't in my archives so here's a quick synopsis:
In the clip Robin read a news story about Howard Cosell being a drunk. They spent a few minutes going over what was in the story and that led to Howard doing an impression of Cosell and goofing on him for a short time.
In the next clip, from May 13, 1998, Robin read a story about a guy who had sex with a vacuum cleaner. Robin read the details of that drunken experience and how the guy's penis got chopped off when he did that.
In another clip, from March 29, 1994, Robin talked about a show about Mickey Mantle that was going to be airing. She read about that and Billy West was doing impressions of Mickey crying. Robin read about what Mickey was saying and Billy would do his impression of the crying. Robin read about Mickey's drinking and how he'd use any excuse to drink.
Next up was a news clip from October 25, 1995 where Robin read about a drunk who got on a plane and got even drunker as the flight was going and he hit his limit so they cut him off. That led to Billy West and Howard doing impressions of the guy and goofing on him. The guy ended up fighting with people on the plane. The guys talked about that for a short time. They were goofing around as if they were Jackie on the flight and doing impressions of him as if he were the drunk on the flight. The passenger had crapped on the cart during the flight so they were goofing on Jackie about doing that too. They were throwing out a lot of doody jokes while they were goofing on Jackie.
The next news story was from October 18, 1994. Robin was reading about some kids that had been smoking Jimson weed. That led to Billy doing his Jackie puppet impression and had the puppet smoking some Jimson weed too. Billy got crazy with the Jackie puppet impressions. Jackie Puppet was saying that he'll eat it if he can't light it. He was telling Robin ''Shut up you witch'' when she said something to him. Billy was doing all of Jackie's laughs. Howard said that once you start the puppet, it won't stop.
In the next clip, from February 18, 1985, Howard was talking about Imus and wondering if he was drinking again. Howard was asking the guys in the studio if they had seen Imus lately. Howard told Gary to go out and check the phone booth to see if there was any urine in it. Howard said the funniest thing working there so far was when Imus was banging on the bathroom door trying to get in without his key. He wasn't able to get in so he went out and peed in the phone booth out front. They goofed on Imus about that for a few minutes. Robin said she hopes he's not drinking again.
The next clip, from January 19, 1995, had Howard talking about Sylvester Stallone and Planet Hollywood. That led to Billy doing some Stallone impressions. Howard said he'd like to be part of that whole thing. He said he'd go to the restaurants and say he loves the food even if it sucks. Howard said he'd do it as long as he gets paid. Howard said they just have to stick his name on it and they'd have a place to go. Howard said he'd like to have a watering hole like that. Gary said Howard doesn't even drink. Howard said he would if he had an incentive to. He said the way his movie is going, he'd probably have a restaurant before a movie. Howard said Gary wants to see him drink but Robin said that it's not fun. Howard said he's an angry drunk. Robin said he's miserable. She said he gets sick as soon as he starts. They had some fun talking about that. Fred threw in some puking sounds and Howard came up with some ideas for the name of the restaurant like ''Pukies'' or ''Up Chuckles.'' Howard had ideas for drinks they could have named after Jackie too. They could have Jackie's Pot Roast and it would have real pot in it.
The next clip, from May 11, 1999, was a clip of Robin talking about a guy who had shoved a bottle up his butt. They said the guy was drunk when he did it. The guy had claimed he didn't know how it got in there.
The next clip was from November 7, 1994. In the clip Robin read a news story about a drunk driver who ran over himself and died. Robin dedicated that one to Jackie. Robin read the story and said the guy's head got stuck under the wheels of the vehicle.
In another clip, from December 6, 1994, Robin read a story about a guy who crashed a car after having a few too many red wines. That was a very quick one. They went to break after that.
Ian the Drunk Russian Rambles On And On Once Again. 1/15/97. 6:10am
This drunken bastard calls in to the show almost every day according to Gary and John. Today he was complaining about the usual kind of crap. While he was rambling about Ivan Reitman being a ''nobody'' Howard would just keep talking to Robin. Ian can talk and talk without stopping for hours. Stuttering John once said that he can put Ian on hold for 10 minutes then pick up and Ian didn't even know that he had been on hold! Back before the Presidential election Ian had promised to come down to the studio after the election was over. Well he hasn't come down and he still wouldn't agree to come down. Howard didn't have to hang up on Ian today like he usually does. Ian actually said ''good bye'' for once.
Cuba Gooding Jr. Visits. 08/03/06. 9:20am
After the break Howard brought in Cuba Gooding Jr. Since he had been waiting out in the green room for quite some time. Howard apologized for that. He asked Cuba if he recognizes anyone in the studio. He said he knew Artie but didn't know that he had worked with him in a movie. Cuba eventually remembered that they worked together on ''Boat Trip'' years ago. Cuba said that he was tired and didn't get in until about 9:30 last night. He's been up all night.
Howard said that Cuba worked with Artie for 16 hours on that movie and he still didn't recognize him. Cuba asked for some water so Howard got him a bottle. He asked Cuba what an Academy Award winner does in the city when he comes in. Robin heard he was out yelling ''Show me the money'' to some girls. Cuba said that was down in Miami recently.
Howard asked Cuba about what he thought about Mel Gibson and his problems. Cuba said it was a bad idea for him to get in that car, drive and then open his mouth when the cops arrested him. He also talked about how there are many little things that people say that can lead to racial things. He said he used to say little things like ''rice burner'' and his wife got after him about that.
Cuba told the guys that after he won the Academy Award he didn't get any offers for about 9 months. Then he got a role offered to him and he wondered what part he was going to play. He said he was told he was going to play Robin Williams' son in the movie ''What Dreams May Come.'' He thought they were nuts but they did cast him since it was a movie about the afterlife. He said that was the first movie he did in the 12 months after winning his award.
Cuba said the Jerry Maguire movie has been haunting him for years because that's the one that people remember. He said that no one saw him as anyone but that character after he won the award. Howard said he heard a rumor that Pierce Brosnan wanted him to replace him as 007. Cuba said he's not sure Pierce said that but Roger Moore did tell him that he should play that part when they were shooting Boat Trip.
Artie told the guys about the character he played in Boat Trip and what the movie was about. Artie said that's the movie he was shooting when he got laid over in Germany.
Howard asked Cuba about his wife and found out he's been with her since 1988. Cuba said they didn't get married until 1994 but they've been together since 88. Howard wondered how many chicks Cuba got before that because it couldn't have been that many. Cuba said that for the first three years of his relationship they would break up every few weeks so he would go out and do his thing. About 7 years into it he realized she was the one for him and got married to her. Cuba and Artie talked about one of the actresses they worked with. Cuba was saying that most actresses are nuts and he can't imagine dating and sleeping with one.
Cuba told one story about how he was doing a sex scene in the woods where he was supposed to be fucking some chick. He had a director yelling at him what he was supposed to be doing. It was also some 65 year old chick so he wouldn't be interested in doing something like that. Howard told Cuba about the scenes he had with Mary McCormack in his movie and how he was feeling her up even though the script didn't call for it.
Cuba thought that Howard was saying that he was cheating on his wife so he started to go off on Howard. He was about to whip out his penis. That led to Gary bringing in a picture of the old woman that Cuba was supposed to be screwing in that movie he was talking about. Howard said he doesn't expect Cuba to be able to get it up for that chick.
Howard asked Cuba where he was hanging out last night and if he had chicks hitting on him. Cuba said women give him their numbers all the time and he's always tempted but he doesn't do anything. Howard told Cuba about his movie shoot and how he was getting aroused when he was making out and touching his movie wife. He said he's a real man and can't not get aroused.
Howard asked Cuba about his life and played some of his father's song that was a hit song many years ago. His father was in the group The Main Ingredient and the song was ''Everybody Plays The Fool.'' Howard said Cuba grew up living large in a wealthy family. His parents divorced and his father left his mother and Cuba in a hotel for a while. He left them with nothing.
Cuba said he's not sure if the guy had money but he did leave them without anything. He said the guy eventually came back around. He said he doesn't dwell on that stuff and he now realizes that he doesn't leave his wife and kids for more than 3 weeks at a time. He would never do that to his kids. He learned that after his father split.
Cuba said that he and his father have a good relationship now. Howard said of course they do, Cuba won an Academy Award. Cuba said his father got back in touch with him after his movie Boys in the Hood came out. His father actually got back together with his mother. He thinks that his mother never loved another man her whole life so that's why she got back with him.
Cuba said he had to keep thinking about his wife being there before he was a star. He said she's always been there for him and he wouldn't want to split up with him. Howard asked Cuba if there were any roles that he turned down any roles that he regrets. Cuba said he did turn down Steven Spielberg's ''Amistad'' and he probably passed up a great experience working with a director like that. He wasn't sure he wanted to do the whole slave thing though.
Howard asked Cuba if Tom Cruise ever tried to get him into Scientology. He said he never tried to do that but his father came on the set one day and asked him straight up, are you gay, do you suck cock? Cuba said that was horrifying but Tom had some fun with it and just went along with it.
Artie said that he had a run in with Tom on the set of Jerry Maguire. He told Cuba about the scene he was in and how he got cut from the movie after Tom gave him a hard time about his acting abilities. Artie said Tom yelled at him to come in quicker than he was coming in and everyone put their heads down. Cameron Crowe told Artie to come in quicker and that's what he tried to do. He got cut from the movie after all of that.
Howard thinks that Cuba hasn't done another movie with Tom Cruise because his father asked him if he sucked cock. Cuba said that Tom laughed and said ''absolutely not'' when he was asked about sucking cock. Howard also asked him if he would do a movie with Mel Gibson if he came to him tomorrow. Cuba said he would hang up the phone if he came to him with a job offer.
Howard asked Cuba about playing hockey and why people think that black people can't play. Cuba said he can play and he has his own rink in his back yard. Howard asked him who he plays with. Cuba mentioned Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Sutherland and DB Sweeny as a few guys who have played.
Cuba was in to plug the movie ''Shadowboxer'' which comes out this week. He told Howard about the movie and that it's a bit of an ''arty piece.'' He said he thinks it's a brilliant movie. The director did The Woodsman and Howard thought that movie was great so he wants to go see it. Cuba said he went to see Howard's movie and the three people in the theater loved it.
Howard once ran into Cuba on an airplane and Cuba thought that he said that he never said anything nice about him. Howard said he told the story and said that Cuba said hello to him. He took a call from Double A who said he hung out with Cuba at a party one time and he was really cool and had a lot of great pussy around him that night. Hook Nose Mike called in and said he saw that movie where he played Robin Williams' son and he wondered what the hell was going on there and used a racial slur to describe Cuba. Mike also asked him about hanging out with Robert De Niro. Cuba spent a minute talking about how cool De Niro is.
Another caller told Howard that Cuba was a great guest. Howard wrapped up with him a short time later after giving him another plug for ''Shadowboxer.'' Cuba said he would be on more if his show was on later in the day.
Today's Wasted Week was over around 10:55am.
Various Stuff. 5/2/02. 6:05am
Howard brought up this play that Stuttering John's wife co-wrote called ''Birdy's Bachelorette Party.'' The play is opening soon and Stuttering John is hoping it hits big so he can get a bigger apartment. Howard brought up this woman Melissa who is in the play. She's the girlfriend of Gary's friend Ross and she's pretty hot according to Stuttering John. Howard told the story about how Ross met the woman. Howard said she was a blind date that he was set up with one night. Howard said she met everyone at a restaurant. Howard said they all planned to toast Ross when she got to the restaurant and they made up some stories about him to impress her. It worked and they've been together ever since.
Gary talked about how much he had to drink before they got to the play. He had been fasting for weeks before that. Then he had a ton to drink before they even got to the play. Howard said Gary got out on his own and had to have fun and that's why this happened. John said that Gary came out of the bathroom with puke stains all over his shirt. John said the guys at E! had taken pictures of him and you can see the stains on his shirt. Howard told the guys to put that up on HowardStern.com. Gary said this is the only place where that happens.
Howard said he heard Gary barfed all over the place and people had to clean it up. Gary said he didn't bother anyone. Fred was playing Beetlejuice puking sounds and Howard had to ask him to stop. Gary said he actually threw up in the sink because there were people in the bathroom.
In the clip we heard Howard talking to Stuttering John about vomiting at the company Christmas party. John said he puked before he even got there. He said he didn't have any dinner so he was just retching. John said one of the girls there drove him home and he was puking for like an hour. He asked her to bring him to the hospital. He said he had like 12 beers instead of eating anything.
John told Howard about how he was having shots with Ed from their sales department there. Howard said it sounds like John likes to be the life of the party like Jackie does. John said he does like to have fun.
John told Howard he was at Ed's house and had to lay down after drinking so much. John said he was laying on the bed and Ed came walking in dressed in his underwear. Howard said Ed is a big guy too. He must be up around 300 pounds and he's only like 5'5'' tall. He's like Jabba the Hutt.
John said that Ed ended up laying in bed and falling asleep. John said that Ed pulled him out of the room by his hair. He said he doesn't know what happened to Ed's wife though. John said he realized what a jerk he was being. John said Ed was threatening to call the cops on him because he was so annoyed with him. John said he started walking home and he had no jacket so he was freezing. He ended up walking back and sat down with Ed and his wife. He said they gave him coffee and calmed him down. John said Ed actually sent people out looking for him because they didn't like the way he left.
Howard told John he was being a douche. He said he didn't know he had gotten into a fight with the guy who was letting him sleep in his bed. John said he got dragged out of his room by his pony tail. He said they're good friends so that's why he let him get away with that.
Howard said that's pretty exciting stuff. John said this doesn't happen often. Robin and Howard both said this happens a lot. John said it's not that much. Gary said there have been many times when he's gotten really drunk.
The guys told some other stories about John getting drunk. John told one where he got pulled over and how the cop made him sign a copy of Howard's book. John said he wasn't drunk. He said the cop let him follow him home like an escort. Howard said no one has ever done that for him. He said he always gets the cop who doesn't know who he is.
In the clip Ralph was on the phone talking about Jackie and asking if he had ever blacked out and had gay sex. Jackie said he had blacked out but he never had gay sex. Howard said it is possible that someone could black out and forget about something like that. Jackie said he would tell them if he had. They went over that for a few minutes.
Various Stuff. 8/14/00. 6:05am
Howard said that he spent some time hanging out with Jackie and Stuttering John over the weekend. They went out to Dominic Barbara's house in the Hamptons and drank 2 and a half cases of beer as well as a bunch of other alcoholic drinks. Howard said that John and Jackie can drink a lot of alcohol and it doesn't affect them. Howard's friend Matt from the New York Rangers was there also. Matt thought that Jackie and John were lightweights and that he could out drink them but the next morning he couldn't walk.
Howard said that they went to a restaurant one night and they saw the producer Gellman from Regis Philbin's show. They were thinking of sending a drink over to the guy but they decided against it. Howard didn't want to embarrass the guy or himself. Then a short time later the waitress came over to his table and says ''Mr. Gellman wants to buy you a drink.'' Howard then turned around and yells over to Gellman that it wasn't necessary and that he was going to buy him a drink. Gellman and his whole group of people looked at him like he was nuts. Howard said he saw Gellman mouth the words ''I didn't offer to buy him a drink'' to one of his friends. Howard then realized that Gellman didn't offer to buy him a drink. It turns out that Jackie told the waitress to tell him that so Howard would look like an idiot. Howard said he just laughed his ass off. He spoke to Gellman later and told him how he'd been set up. He said that Gellman told him that he's a big fan of his.
Howard said that Stuttering John has gotten really fat. He said they were playing pool over at Dominic's house and John's stomach was hanging over the table. He also said that at one point John told Scott Einziger that he's one of those ''fat skinny guys''. Howard said that John's got nerve saying that when he's a fat ass himself.
Various Stuff. 7/27/01. 6:05am
Howard had Artie talk about how he came home drunk one night when he was 19 and he ended up ''adopting'' one of those kids that Linda Evans would talk about in the commercials for kids in third world countries who need help. It was $20 a month and Artie had enough money to cover it so he went for it. Artie's kid was from Costa Rica. Artie said the kid had like 20 brothers and sisters and his father was a fisherman. He felt like sending a box of condoms to the kid to give to his father. Artie says he sent this $20 a month for seven years! He lost contact a couple of times. In one letter he sent the kid his phone number. When the kid turned 17 he stopped sending the money. Two years later the kid called him from somewhere in New York City. They ended up meeting each other and the kid was with a hot Brazilian chick. By the end of the night the kid was asking Artie to buy him some weed. Artie was actually disappointed in the kid for asking for that but he bought him a bag anyway. After that he never heard from the kid again.
Beetlejuice The Dwarf Calls In. 07/28/1999. 7:55am
After an edited out break Howard came back and talked about some jokes that he got about the proof that Jesus was black, Irish or Italian. He read through a bunch of that stuff and had the guys laughing. He moved on to the Beetlejuice stuff after that.
You might remember Beetlejuice the dwarf from a couple of weeks back. He's a dwarf who has a really tiny head and giant teeth. Well, Howard got him on the phone this morning because he had some tape of him trying to do some intros for a segment they were putting together for the E! show.
Howard tried talking to Beetlejuice on the phone but he was barely understandable. Howard played the tape where Doug from E! tells Beetle how to say a line like ''What's up, it's Beetlejuice and I'm going to learn how to pick up women..'' or something like that. Beetlejuice was drunk so he couldn't say the line even close to what Doug told him. He'd just blurt out how he can pick up the women and that he's a bad mother f'er.
After that Howard had tape of Beetlejuice puking up his 10 cans of beer that he had that day. He got sick so the camera followed him to the bathroom. It doesn't sound like an interesting tape until you hear the sound the tiny-headed man makes. It's kind of like. ''UUhhKK.. GUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL'' along with the sound of fluid dumping into the toilet. It was a very strange sound. The poor guy must have puked 10 times on the tape.
The sound was so strange that everyone was laughing hysterically when they heard it. Howard tried talking to Beetlejuice after playing the tape but he couldn't understand him so he just thanked him and got off the phone. You can see Beetlejuice at www.jollydwarf.com.
After that Howard replayed the Gary Garver interview that he had played earlier in the morning. He said he had a new joke to tell but he wanted Jackie to tell it because it was his joke. Jackie wanted Howard to play it but he ended up doing it himself. They spent a few minutes on that stuff before Howard took a call from Dr. Devore.
Hank The Dwarf Does Karaoke. 3/4/98. 7:30am
Hank The Angry Dwarf had come down from Massachusetts to be a judge on the show today. He showed up at the station at 3:00am already drunk. Apparently he came down extra early to hit the bars in New York City because they close too early up in Massachusetts. He was nice and drunk when he came in. Howard had Hank dress up like the Easter bunny. During past appearances Hank had mentioned that he liked singing Karaoke songs so Howard arranged to have him sing a couple today. He sang along to a Led Zeppelin song and also to ''Jumpin Jack Flash''. It was pretty funny. Howard also arranged to have a breathalyzer test set up so they could see just how drunk Hank was. Well on the first blow he blew a .52! That's pretty much dead so Howard had them do it again and he blew a .375 which is almost 4 times the legal limit in New York. He was handling it pretty well though. Gary had Hank perform some of the usual drunk driver tests where the cops have you touch your nose with your eyes closed and stuff like that. Hank did pretty well with those tests too. He's an amazing little dwarf. Howard took a bunch of phone calls from listeners who wanted to yell at Hank. Hank's most common comeback was ''why don't you go have sex with your mother!''. He must have used that line 10 times.
Cabbie Update And Wendy The Retard Calls In. 06/28/06. 8:10am
Howard took a call from Wendy the Retard and said that she's been hitting the sauce like crazy lately. She left 29 voice mails for him last night while she was drunk. He said it would be great to send her to an AA meeting and listen in as she's going through that.
Howard played some of Wendy's messages where she rambled like a drunk retard on the phone. She wasn't really saying anything other than saying hello to Howard and calling him ''Daddy.'' She said she was hyper from the brownies she was eating. Wendy would then break into a song. Wendy said that she only had 3 beers the night before. She had 20 brownies as well. That led to Howard asking her about the number of dumps she takes a day. She said it's about 2 and she's a stinky mess after. Howard asked her a bunch of questions about that and Wendy was answering ''yes'' to everything he asked.
Howard said that Wendy's ass must get itchy and smelly and she probably doesn't clean it until she takes a shower. She said she will scratch her ass and smell it when she gets itchy. She said that she was telling the truth about that too. Howard asked her if she gets crap under her nails when she scratches her ass. She said she does and then she has to get it out with a nail file.
Robin asked Wendy why she doesn't get a job. She said she's been trying but she's trying to find the right job. She wants to have her own show on radio. Howard said he'd give her something like that and he'd have to get back to her later on that.
Wendy said that she's going to have some pizza to eat today and she's going to have 4 boxes of it. Howard said he looks into a crystal ball and sees Wendy's mother crying all the time. He thanked her for calling in a short time later and let her go.
In the clip Howard was talking about Quincy Jones and a speech he had made at some awards show. Howard talked about how these guys like to give each other awards for their records. He spent a minute talking about that before playing the audio of Quincy Jones making his speech. In the clip Quincy was speaking very slow and in different languages. Howard let it play through and Quincy was slurring his words a little bit. Howard and Robin were having trouble following what Quincy was talking about.
Howard would play some of the speech and then stop to talk about how nutty the guy sounded. Quincy was going on and on about the Beatles and comparing them to Guns N Roses and the Rolling Stones. Howard said the guy might not have even been drinking. It might just be the way he talks. Robin said she had teachers like this so that's possible. Then there were some moments in the clip when Jones was slurring so bad it was almost impossible to make out what he was saying.
Even when they tried to get him to get off the stage Quincy would just keep going. He said he wasn't done yet so he just kept talking. After the clip was done Howard and Robin did their impressions of Quincy for a few minutes.
In the clip Howard was talking to Joey Ramone on the phone. Howard gave Joey a plug for The Ramones new album and played some of their new song. Joey had his call waiting going off so Howard told him to just go find out who it was. Joey hung up and came back saying no one was there.
Howard said Joey is excited about this new album that's coming out in January. They worked with Pete Townshend on a song. They talked about that and how Sebastian Bach had come in and sang on a song too. Joey's call waiting went off again.
Howard talked about how great Joey was when he was an alcoholic. He said Joey was doing everything. He was drinking, doing cocaine and he somehow got off of all of it. Joey said Howard is his role model and he's having all of this success.
Howard asked Joey if he tried to quit for years or did he just quit one day. Joey said he just quit because he was disgusted with his life. He said he went to see a band and he thought the stage was lower than it was and he ended up twisting his ankle and messed it up pretty good.
Gary came in and told Howard about some of the stuff that Joey used to do when he'd come up to visit. He told a story about Joey spilling red wine all over his Rolodex once when he was up there. He had no idea that he had done it either. Howard spent another couple of minutes talking to Joey before letting him go.
Howard and Robin spent a little longer talking about Joey and how he has no muscle tone at all. Howard said he had to play the voice mail message that Joey left for Gary one time too. He did that as they were getting ready to go to break. In the clip Joey was drunk and trying to find Howard. It was his infamous ''Welcome to my nightmare'' call.
Henry Hill Comes In. 5/3/02. 6:50am
Henry Hill showed up at the station in ''questionable condition'' according to Gary. He told Howard that Henry showed up with snot all over his coat. He also told Howard that you know which Henry you're getting after getting one sentence out of him. Gary seemed to think that Henry might be a little drunk. Howard said he thought that Henry was doing pretty good staying off alcohol but it seems he's fallen off the wagon again.
Howard said they planned on pranking Henry today but they chickened out. They were going to have Gary tell Henry he's got a neighbor who cursed him out and egged his house so he wants him whacked. Gary was afraid that Henry would give him a name and a way to contact the guy so he backed out of it.
Howard had the guys bring Henry in. He apparently had a Heinekin in his hand when he walked in. Howard said he's turning into Hank the Dwarf because he can't even get through an interview without a drink.
Henry said he was sober for 10 months before he ''slipped'' and started drinking again. Howard asked him why he slipped and the explanation he gave was that he's an alcoholic, simple as that.
Henry showed Howard a picture of his son-in-law who's black. He laughed with his disturbing laugh when he showed the picture to Howard. Howard thought that was pretty funny because he's this ex-mob guy.
Artie Lange said a few of his Italian lines to Henry and they both got a laugh out of that. Artie said it was the best time he's had on the show so far.
Howard asked Henry about the Robert Blake case and what happened there. Henry said Blake screwed up and she could have just made her disappear. He said he could have just chopped her up and dumped her in a lake somewhere.
Henry kept cursing so Howard had to keep hitting the delay button on him. He was going to take a break but he just kept talking to him. Henry told Howard that he came to New York to dig up a shoe box that has some money in it. He claimed that the box contains about $2 million from the Lufthanza heist that he was part of.
Howard took a call from this guy Paulie who claims to be in the mob. Paulie called Henry a stool pigeon and some other names but Henry just laughed it all off. Paulie said that one of these days someone is going to get him. Henry doesn't seem to care thought because he just kept laughing.
Howard took a break to try and sober up Henry. Henry wanted to play Fred in a game of ''Win Fred's Money'' when they came back.
Howard spent a few minutes talking to Henry about his drinking and how he thinks he does it to drown out the memories of killing people. Henry ended up telling Howard about a few of the guys he whacked in his day. He said his first job was when he was 16 years old. He said it was a shot to the back of the guy's head that did him in. The next couple of guys were ice picks to the back of the head. Henry continued to curse through the whole interview so Howard kept having to hit the delay button and warn him not to do it anymore. The warnings were pointless because he continued to curse no matter what he was told.
Howard took a few more calls for Henry and no one had anything nice to say about him. Everyone was badmouthing him.
Howard wrapped up the interview after playing a quick game of Win Fred's Money with Henry. Howard asked Henry the 7 questions and Henry didn't know one answer. Fred came in and answered 3 of the 7 correct. (Unfortunately I was unable to get the questions in here today) Henry told Howard that he needed questions that he could answer. He said he knew some baseball history but Howard told him that they can't just give him questions that he wants. After the game Howard let Henry go.
After taking a break Howard came back and said that he was dizzy from Henry's appearance. He spent a few minutes talking about Spider-Man and Superman movies.
Robin said that there was something strange going on with Robert Schimmel yesterday. He was only on the show for a short time and after the show Robin said it looked like he was upset that Howard was running off to his meeting. Howard said he loves Schimmel and he wasn't blowing him off or anything. He said once the show is over he runs home.
KC came in and said he was down on the street getting Henry a cab and someone wanted to take a picture with him. KC said Henry just wanted to go and he smacked the guy in the face.
In the clip Robin was reading some news about a celebrity wedding and talked about some of the people that were there. Joe Walsh was one of them so Billy West did his impression of Joe puking while they talked about that. Howard had a conversation with ''Joe'' for a few minutes about the wedding. Billy was going nuts with the impression singing and talking like Joe. He kept saying Joe's lie ''How ya doin'?'' over and over as he held his nose to make himself sound like Joe. Billy was also saying Don Henley still sucks.
Robin tried to go through some more news but Billy stayed in character and kept throwing lines out as Joe. Robin read some other stuff which led to Fred playing Jackie's ''Cold Gold'' song. Then Billy started in with his Jackie Puppet character.
In the clip Howard was starting the show and talking about a drunk woman on an airline flight. He said that was just after they had talked about a guy who had crapped on a serving cart on a plane not too long ago.
Stuttering John came in and told a story about a deaf woman who was cut off on a flight because they thought she was drunk. He said it was really funny to watch.
In the clip Pat Cooper was going off on Joan Rivers and her little dog. Pat was going on and on about Joan and then Howard asked him to talk about Johnny Carson. Pat said he would tell the story but he couldn't do it quickly. Pat said he was asked not to talk about this but he figures he will now that Carson is gone.
Pat told Howard he was in the bathroom one time and he felt something on his shoe. He said it turned out to be Carson peeing on his shoe. Pat said he yelled at Johnny and Jilly came in and tried to calm him down. Pat said they were trying to convince him that it was Carson peeing on him so he had to forgive him. Pat said he didn't have to do that.
Pat said 4 years later Carson was doing a show and their guest didn't show up. He said he was there at NBC and Carson refused to put him on. He said Carson was still mad at him for yelling about him peeing on him. Howard asked Pat if he saw Johnny's penis. Pat said he doesn't remember what it looked like.
Stuttering John's Beer Challenge. 12/14/01. 8:10am
The other day Stuttering John told Howard he could pick out a Heineken in a blind taste test. That led to John bet Howard that he could identify 5 different beers while blindfolded. The five beers included Heineken, Budweiser, Beck's, Molson and Grolsch. Yesterday he was given a test to see if he could pick just one and he failed. Today they had the 5 ready for him to pick. They had him blindfolded and he quickly checked each beer. He took a sip of water between each one to ''clear his palate.'' He went through each of them and then guessed at each one. Here's how he guessed:
Howard moved on to talk about some news stories. He brought up Arnold Schwarzenegger's motorcycle accident which was more severe than originally reported. At first they said he just had some bruised ribs but now they say he punctured his lungs. Howard said he doesn't understand why anyone would ride a motorcycle to begin with. He said everyone he knows with a motorcycle ends up with pins in their legs or severe road rash at some point.
Howard got back to the Winona Ryder story too. He spent some time reviewing the story about her getting arrested.
Richard Christy Gets Laid. 09/07/05. 8:05am
Howard said he had a lot of stuff to get to this morning and he didn't know where to begin. Richard Christy had just given him a DVD of all kinds of pictures and video of Kelly Monaco. He said he had pretty much forgotten about Richard telling him that he was going to create it for him. Richard told Howard that Kelly did a ton of stuff for Playboy and he has a lot of it so he put it on a DVD for him. Howard went on to talk about how Richard was raised in Arkansas so that's why he sounds like such a hick. He then played a voice mail Richard's father had left for him on his answering machine. His dad made sure he told Richard who it was on the phone even though there's no mistaking his voice. Mr. Christy goes on to tell a story about how he saved some chickens from a hay loft after their mother had jumped down from the top. Everything turned out alright after he reunited the chicks with their mother. Howard goofed on the guy's southern drawl a little bit and said that the call was pretty boring. Richard also told a story about his mother having quit smoking and how she ended up chewing some Hubba Bubba chewing gum instead but that rotted her teeth and now she has false teeth.
Gary told Howard that Richard has a friend living in his apartment these days so they have to share a futon when they sleep. Gary said he comes in every morning complaining about how he has to fight for the pillow and for the blanket and stuff. The guy is a good buddy of Richard's so he didn't want to send him to a hotel or anything. Richard also got laid recently after doing a comedy show out in San Diego. Richard said he doesn't remember all of what happened because he was drinking a lot that night. He met some girl, but he doesn't know how, so he went down to a beach and they were making out while another couple was there. He said the girl was hot and Gary said he saw a picture of her and she really is hot. Richard said that he pleasured her with her hand and she did the same for him while they were on the beach. Richard said he almost puked on her. He had to stop her from doing what she was doing and he had to go down to the water to puke. He went back and kissed her after that but didn't tell her that he had just puked. They actually fell asleep on the beach after doing that... The delay was hit during that part of the conversation. Richard said the other couple woke them up and he couldn't remember where he was staying so they had to drive around for a while in a cab. He ended up spending $90 on the cab ride. He brought the girl back to his hotel room and thinks that they had about a 3 hour session because he was so drunk he couldn't finish. He said he felt like a porn stud lasting that long but Howard thought that women don't like going that long. There were multiple delay hits during the discussion so we missed out on quite a bit of what Richard was talking about.
Richard said that he took a bath in the hotel tub the next morning and there was a lot of sand in there. Artie thought it was funny that he took a bath in a hotel tub. He said he's never done that before. Artie wanted to see a picture of the chick so Gary said he'd go get one for him.
Howard Plays Some Song Parody Contest Entries. 8/28/00. 8:40am
Howard quickly played a bunch of clips from some of the entries for the Song Parody Contest he's running. One entry was a remake of Jackie's song ''Fools Gold'' which was rocked-up a bit. Jackie doesn't think the new version has any soul though. There was one guy who played tambourine while singing ''Jackie is a Drunk''. Then there was ''Knock Knock Knocking on Robin's Bra'', ''KC Loves 3rd Input Love'', ''We All Died in a Submarine'', ''Queen of the Schlongs'' (about Robin), ''My Sister's Pubic Hair'' (about incest), ''KC's Butt Blitzkrieg Bop'' and a remake of ''Good Day Sunshine'' about Robin. There was also a song about Jackie's dead cat ''Timmy, Dead Timmy''. One really good one was ''Horse Tooth Jackass'' to the tune of Bon Jovi's ''Dead or Alive''. The Bon Jovi impression was great. Howard only played about 5-10 seconds of each song just so we could get a taste for how bad most of these things are. Howard said he'd play more tomorrow. The contest deadline is Thursday at 5pm.
Today's Wasted Week was over around 10:55am.
Once they got things straightened out they played Jackie the Joke Man's ''The Pot Song'' to start the show. Then they played a segment from June 21, 1999 where Howard played a new Jackie song they found. This was not in my archives so here's a quick synopsis:
In the clip Howard said he found a new song from Jackie about drinking. Howard played some of the song and said Jackie really sounds like an addict. He asked Jackie if his parents were drunks. Jackie said ''of course.'' Howard said he kind of ended up like his parents so maybe that's why Jackie is the way he is. Robin said most people are a result of their upbringing.
Howard played Jackie's song again and said that the harmonica sounded horrible in the song. Jackie said it's not horrible. He said Jackie is like Hank the Drunken Dwarf.
Howard talked to Jackie about his mom's drinking but Jackie cut it off saying he was going to save that for the couch. Howard asked if the whole family drank. Jackie stopped talking. Jackie said he didn't want to talk about that stuff. He said they both drank and his mother not as much. They got Jackie to talk a little bit more about it.
Howard played Jackie's ''Cold Gold'' song too. They goofed on Jackie and Jackie came right back with jokes about their families too. Howard said they're not attacking him, they're just curious. Howard said he thinks he gets Jackie's anger now. He said Jackie is a mess. Jackie said he never said he wasn't. He said the rest of them are a mess too. Howard said he's just trying to say he understands his pain.
Howard took a call from a guy who said Jackie's drinking shows he must have had something going on in his life like molestation. Howard said it could have been something like that.
Drinking Discussions And Preparing For Tawny. 9/30/03. 8:05am
A listener called in and asked Howard how many drinks he's been having lately. He said he usually limits it to 6 drinks a week. The caller said that Howard seems to be drinking more and more over time. Stuttering John came in a short time later so the focus was on him. John drinks a case of beer on a weekend so Howard was talking about how he's an alcoholic. During the discussion Howard asked John if he found out what sex his third child is going to be. He said it's another girl. He said he thinks he's stopping at 3. John got back to Howard's drinking and said that he's seen Howard drink more than 8 drinks in a weekend. Howard said it doesn't take all that much to get him drunk so he doesn't have to have more than 3 or so a night. The guys pointed out that he drinks more when he grills. He said that's a different story. He also said that he had 2 glasses of wine at the cocktail party he was at last night. Stuttering John said that the drinks Howard orders are considered more than one drink. He gets a vodka with a splash of cranberry so it's actually 3 shots of vodka, not just one.
Gary told Howard that Tawny was there so they discussed whether or not they should vote on if she's hot or not. He also told Howard that Richie from E! got a shot of her ass where you can see like 2 inches of crack sticking out of her pants. The guys were discussing if they were going to vote on if she's just hot or if she's as hot as she was back in the 80's. Howard said he'd play some voice mail first, then take a break and bring Tawny in. Gary told Howard that she's still on the fence about the whole OJ Simpson thing as well. Howard said maybe they should bring her right in... but then ended up talking to Gary and John about drinking. John was saying that he only drinks a case of beer on a weekend that he has a party or something like that. He said he'll be drinking tonight when he goes to the Yankees game though.
Jeff The Drunk And Jenny ''Stuck On You'' Update. 12/10/03. 7:30am
After the break Howard mentioned that tonight on E! they have porn stars Tabitha Stevens and Mary Carey as well as Simon Cowell. He went on to this ''Stuck on You'' contest that they're holding this week. A woman is handcuffed to Jeff the Drunk for the entire week. Howard said you wouldn't think it's that tough but once you see it on E! you'll see how hard it is for this woman Jenny. Howard said she's hanging in there like a trooper but he's never seen anything so bizarre in his life.
Howard had some tape and some notes from the guys who are videotaping this stuff. Howard said Jeff is constantly smoking cigarettes and weed and drinking of course. At one point Jenny was reading her son a book while Jeff was passed out next to her. When they take showers they have to keep their legs stuck together. Jeff doesn't have a towel of his own so he has to blow dry himself. Howard said after reading that stuff, it didn't sound so bad.
Jeff was smoking weed and Jenny got a contact high and started to giggle. They decided to go out to a bar after that. Jeff was hitting on the bartender who he was asking to give him oral and if she likes anal. He started drinking and things started to change. He started to cough up some nasty looking crap and it was all over his gimpy arm. Issac from E! gave them a rundown of what Jeff drank and it would kill an average person. Jeff then went around asking people for weed. He threw down a $50 bill on the table in an open offer for weed.
Howard asked Jeff where he got the money for the weed. He was on the phone and told Howard that he got his SSI check and that's where the money came from. Jeff passed out on the bar and was asked to leave when he wouldn't wake up. Jeff refused to leave so the bartender sprayed him with water. When they left they couldn't get a cab so they walked across the street and Jeff passed out halfway across. His hat fell off so Jenny had to try and save the hat. Jenny couldn't move Jeff because he's so hard to move. Some people helped move him but he ended up spitting at the camera. Jenny said he also urinated in the middle of the street. Once they got home Jeff passed out and Jenny couldn't move him so she had to pee in a margarine container. Jeff had no recollection of most of that stuff. Some people seem to think that Jeff doesn't have much longer to live if he keeps going like that. Jeff says he'll live longer than Howard though.
Howard played tape of Jeff drinking and then coughing up his phlegm on his arm. Howard and the guys were watching the video and he had all kinds of crap on his gimpy arm sling. They played another tape where Jeff gets sprayed with water after passing out on the bar. Doug Goodstein from E! said that Jenny just sits there and doesn't react to any of this. She claims that she's going to make it through this whole week no problem. Howard played the tape where Jeff got sprayed with water to try and wake him up. He cursed out the female bartender and told her to stop spraying him. Jeff said that he doesn't remember that at all.
Howard played tape of Jeff trying to hail a cab and he was cursing out everyone and was dragging Jenny along with him. Howard said that it's the funniest thing you've ever seen. Then Jeff passes out in the middle of the street in the middle of Manhattan. Jenny tries to pick him up but he laid there for 9 minutes according to Howard. Jeff demands that Jenny help him up as he curses her out. He asks the camera man to help him instead since Jenny can't lift him up. Jeff gets even more pissed when Jenny tells him the camera guy can't help them. Jeff slurs his words as he says ''HELP ME The F*** UP!'' over and over again to Jenny and the camera man. Howard said at that point he would have chewed off the handcuffs. Most people would give up by that point but Jenny sticks with it. Howard asked her if she's on some type of narcotic that keeps her calm. She said she's not. Jeff doesn't seem to care how he acts around these people.
Howard took a call from a woman who said Jenny deserves more than $20,000 for what she's going through. Howard said she's right but that's the contest. A guy called in and said he can't wait to see the footage. Howard said he'd like to put it on a DVD and release it. Robin Radzinski came in and said that it's going to take a while to put together but they may make it into a 1 hour special that will air on a Saturday night in January.
A phone caller said that Jenny sounds so nice that Howard should give her anything she wants after going through this. Doug Goodstein said that Issac (the camera man) has to deal with a lot of crap too. Another caller said that he would have taken a brick and bashed Jeff in the head if he'd passed out like that with him. A caller also told Howard this should be put on DVD in 5 24 hour segments so we can see every moment of it. Howard said he might just take the raw tape and put it on the web at some point so people can watch it.
Howard asked Jeff what he's going to do today. He said he was planning on picking up a bowling ball and shoes.... Howard said that Jeff just seems to hang out all the time with nothing to do. He said he's kind of like Paris Hilton. Jeff said he never feels worthless either. Artie said he feels worthless all the time and he's actually doing something with his life.
Jeff and Jenny said that neither of them have made a number 2 so far. Jeff said he hasn't eaten in 6 days now. Artie wondered how that's possible. He told Jeff he should go to a doctor. Jeff said he went to the doctor last week to check out his blisters and he stuck his finger down his butt. Howard said if he was a doctor and had Jeff as a patient, he'd wonder what he was doing with his life.
Howard gave the movie ''Stuck on You'' a plug since they're the ones who are putting up the money for this contest. Jeff kept asking Artie if he wanted to bowl with him on Friday night. Artie has a gig up in Boston so he can't do that with him. Howard had to hang up on him after that.
Gary came in and said that Doug from E! spent the night in the emergency room last night. He joined a hockey league and ended up getting into a fight when a guy hit him in the throat for no reason. He ended up with a puncture wound in his elbow. Doug said that he's suspended for 2 games after his first night. He's also on probation for a year after that. Howard said that Jeff the Drunk can fall on the pavement and not get hurt but Doug falls on the ice and rips open his arm.
Howard talked about this guy George Clinton who was charged with drug possession the other day. He said that Clinton looks like someone who the cops would check for drugs. He said that Clinton obviously wasn't thinking when he sat in his car allegedly smoking crack.
Howard brought up a story about how Jerry Seinfeld is going to be producing, writing and starring in an animated movie about bees. Howard read the article and talked about how ridiculous it is. Artie wondered if he had brought up that idea 10 years ago if anyone would have even listened to him. Howard did his impression of Seinfeld and goofed on him a little bit. He had to take a break a short time later.
In the clip Howard took a call from a guy who said he was signing Howard's name in his AA meetings. He was asking for permission to do it even though he was already doing it. Howard said he could do that and told the guy that was fine. He asked the guy if he had any drinks this morning. The caller sounded like he may have had some drinks. The guy said that the alcohol is too good and he can't stop drinking. Howard spent a few minutes talking to the guy about his drinking.
The caller asked who wrote ''Why Won't You Let Howard Stern On TV'' because he likes the song and has it on tape. Howard told the guy it was Elton John who sang the song. The caller sounded shocked by that. Howard told the guy how that song came to be. Howard said they had written a song parody for Elton to sing and Elton ended up writing him an original song right on the spot.
The caller asked the guy about drinking with his son. The guy wasn't able to say the word Schnapps so Howard goofed on him about that a little bit. The guy said that's what his son drinks because he's a light weight. The kid is only 16.
The guy wanted to send Howard a picture so Howard gave him Jackie's address to send it to. He also gave him Jackie's joke line number too. Howard let the guy go after that.
Henry Hill And Jeff The Drunk Call In. 02/14/05. 8:35am
Henry Hill called in to complain about Valentine's day. He said something about ''screw Al Capone.'' Howard figured that Henry was drunk this morning because he's got to live with the fact that he's killed so many guys. Henry said he ''never murdered nobody'' so he doesn't have any guilty conscience. Howard said that thanks to Henry there are women out there who don't have men to celebrate Valentine's day with. Henry ended up cursing so the delay had to be hit at least once. Henry was also denying being hammered. Howard asked him which killing haunts him the most but Henry's response was just that evil laugh of his.
Howard saw Henry's kids on ''60 Minutes'' recently and they were blasting Henry. Henry thinks Howard's kids will do the same to him but Howard doesn't think that's the case. He's still with his kids. Howard said Henry's kids were talking about the hell they had to go through having Henry as a father.
Howard had this guy Paulie on another line. Paulie calls in each time Henry is on the show talking about how he'd like to meet up with Henry to take care of him in his own way. He said Henry does a good job of hiding when he tries to meet up with him. Paulie also asked Artie how he can like a guy like this because he's a stand up guy while Henry is a rat. Artie said he feels bad for the guy now for some reason. Howard said he doesn't feel bad for him though. Paulie said that one of these days... if he doesn't take care of Henry, God will take care of him. He said he can run but he can't hide. Henry was just making weird noises and laughing as Paulie was going off on him. Howard thinks it's funny how Paulie is right on the phone when Henry calls in.
Howard let Henry go a short time later. He then took a call from Jeff the Drunk who wished Robin a Happy Valentine's Day. He joked that he meant that for Robin Radzinski referring to what went on earlier in the morning. Jeff said he has a job now selling stuff on the internet. He's selling t-shirts, pictures and phone calls through his web site now. Howard told him to just vomit into a box and give that to his mom instead of vomiting on the floor. Jeff asked to play a game with them but Howard didn't want to let him play. He asked him about his life in the trailer and if he's thinking about getting out of there. Jeff has no plans on leaving. He's still living with his mom so Howard told him that he should get her a card at least. Artie heard that he cooks for his mother sometimes so they asked him about that. Jeff said that he has made some pork chops and stuff like that. Jeff was still in bed when he called in. Jeff mentioned that he had a little weed there to smoke so he got up out of bed and smoked a little while he was on the line. Howard wondered if he ever wakes up and thinks about getting a job and changing his life. As he was saying that Jeff said he was ready to take a hit off the pipe. Jeff took the hit and started to cough uncontrollably which got Artie laughing hysterically. Artie wondered if that woke his mother up. Jeff said that she's on the other side of the trailer so it wouldn't wake her up. How big could the trailer be? Howard jokingly said he heard his mother crying on the other side of the trailer. Jeff threw in a plug for his web site before he got off the phone. JeffTheDrunk.net is the site. He took another hit from the pipe as well. He was coughing and wheezing once again.
Howard replayed a phone call they made to Gary the Retard and Wendy the Retard where they had a girl ask for their advice on what to do when her tampon disappears. The two retards end up yelling at each other about who's more retarded than the other. Howard had to take another commercial break after that.
Mindfreak Criss Angel's Stripper Trick. 08/22/05. 8:10am
After the break Howard had the guys bring in Criss Angel. He said he doesn't really like magicians but Criss said that this would be worth it. Criss thanked Howard for supporting him back in 1998 and having him on the show. Criss now has a TV show on A&E called Criss Angel Mindfreak and it airs Wednesday nights at 10pm. Criss did a trick where he pulled in some dental floss into his mouth and pulled it out through his eye. Howard said this isn't good on radio and he wished they were on TV so people could see this. Criss went on to tell Howard about this trick he's doing today. The Scores girls who are there have two digit numbers on them somewhere and Criss is going to try and guess what the number is and on what part of their bodies it's on. The girls came in a short time screaming and yelling at Howard. They sounded really wasted and were kind of slurring their words. Danielle introduced the other girls, Cameron, Jaid, Katherine and Devon. Danielle was yelling into the microphone and trying to tell Howard what they did last night. She said that she drank a lot last night and even though she's small, she has a high tolerance for the alcohol.
Howard told the girls not to take their tops off yet because the numbers might be under there. Howard tried to calm them down and was about to have Criss do his thing. One of the girls screamed out that the number was on her breasts so Gary told Howard that he was going to tell the girls what they were supposed to do but she yelled at him and said that Lonnie had already told her what to do. Criss was supposed to guess where the number was on their bodies but one of them had already ruined the bit. Criss went on to ask each of the girls to say their name and then had them look at him and guessed one of them correctly. The stripper was so amazed that she cursed and kept yelling. Criss said he really didn't know ahead of time what the number was. Gary said that he write the numbers down himself before Criss even got there. Criss asked all of the girls to visualize the number in their head and then picked Devon as the one who had the other number on her. He guessed that it was actually the number 7. He was right again so Devon pulled down her shirt to show them that he was right.
Howard took a call from a guy who asked Howard if Criss could make the girls disappear. Howard thought it was pretty impressive and congratulated Criss on what he had just done. The girls wanted to dance for Howard so they played some ''Shake that Ass'' for them and had them dancing. One of the girls didn't like it so they played some ''There's Some Whores in This House'' instead. They weren't doing much for that song either so Howard wrapped up and gave Criss a plug for his new TV show. He also gave the Scores girls a plug and said that the new Scores Las Vegas is opening soon. Danielle wouldn't stop talking so Howard wasn't able to end the interview. She was demanding to see a trick that she's never seen before. Criss was going to do a trick for her but she was giving him a hard time yelling and screaming. Criss ended up bending a fork for them and Danielle seemed to be impressed with it. Howard ended the interview after that, while the girls were still screaming, and went to break.
In the clip Howard had Ian the Drunk on the phone and asked him about his business and what kind of work he does. Ian is in the computer business. He claims he has partners so Howard asked him some questions about computers to find out if he was telling the truth. Ian didn't know what MS-DOS was at first but then figured out it was Microsoft Disk Operating System. Howard said he doesn't think he's in the computer business.
Howard asked Ian what he sells. Ian said he sells IBM computers. Howard asked if he sells the computer itself. Ian wouldn't answer a question. He kept changing the subject. Howard asked him about Apple computers but Ian seemed to think that he was talking about fruit.
Ian said he has a 21 year old daughter. He said she's one of ''them'' and Howard had no idea what he was talking about. Howard asked when he last spoke to his daughter. Ian said it was 10 years ago. Robin said she wants nothing to do with him. Ian said he doesn't understand that. Howard and the guys just laughed.
Ian brought up Joe Walsh and how Howard tries to drum like him. Gary said Joe Walsh just called. He said he'd like to have a contest with the two of them on the phone. Howard said they should get both of them on.
Gary went out and got Joe Walsh on the line so they could have the two of them speak to each other. Howard asked Ian if he has been in a mental institution. Ian said he wanted to tell them something about Robin. He said he went to San Francisco a few weeks ago... Howard cut him off because he had Joe Walsh on the phone.
Howard got Joe on the phone and told Ian to talk to him. Ian didn't want to talk to him about that. Then the two of them were talking over each other. Ian told Joe about a family member who came to him asking for some of Joe's records. Ian went on and on talking about the kind of music he likes. Joe said he was at a loss for words. Joe asked Ian how he could help. Ian said he can't help him. Ian continued to ramble on and on about who his family member was into musically. Joe told him to keep going.
Howard muted his voice so they couldn't hear. He let Joe and Ian talk to each other and just laughed along with Robin as they listened in.
Joe and Ian talked for another minute before Howard saved Joe. Howard let Ian go and stuck with Joe. Ian was about to go but then he had more of his rambling to do. Ian said that music is the most important thing in the world. Howard then hung up on Ian.
Howard said Joe is the only guy who can relate to that guy. Joe said he's not sure what the guy said. Howard asked Joe what he was up to. Joe said he's been running around the world like a nut. Howard told Joe to tune in on New Year's Eve and watch his special. Joe said maybe he'll do that. Howard let Joe go a short time later.
Miss Howard Stern Performs With Trent Tomlinson. 07/24/06. 8:30am
After the break Howard said he was listening to country singer Trent Tomlinson warming up during the break and he was wondering why they were letting Andrea come in to ruin it. He said the song is a little more than country and he's not sure how he missed the song. He's not into country music so that's how he missed it. Trent told Howard about how he came up with the lyrics for his song ''Drunker Than Me.'' Howard told the guys to perform the song before Andrea came in since she was probably going to ruin it.
Trent and his band performed the song ''Drunker Than Me'' (from the album Country Is My Rock) which is the song that Andrea sang while drunk the last time she was up there at the Stern Show. Howard said he was amazed that Andrea could remember the lyrics to the song because they're not easy to remember. Trent said he even has trouble with them sometimes.
Howard said that Trent has opened up for bands like Bon Jovi and John Mellencamp so it's not strictly country fans that he's performing for. Trent told Howard that one of his guys used to be in The Black Crows but he had a falling out with them. The guys said that he's talking to the band now but he had to get out back then because they were playing too long for him. They turned into a jam band and would just keep going on and on while playing.
Howard spent some time talking to Trent about his career and how his father actually wanted him to be a basketball player. Trent said his father used to play himself so he tried to groom him for the same career. He said now his father is happy with what he does and calls radio stations trying to get them to play his songs.
Robin asked Trent if it was true that he was part of one of these reality TV shows where he showed off his talent. Trent said he did participate in one contest and he lost out to a woman by two tenths of a point. She won $50,000 and he walked away with a jacket.
Howard gave Trent a plug for his album Country Is My Rock and his web site TrentTomlinson.com before bringing in Andrea ''Miss Howard Stern.'' She changed her hair and the guys were all kind of stunned by it. The hair had turned grey according to Howard. Andrea said she was very nervous and had trouble getting her hair done.
Andrea said she had trouble finding booze yesterday so Gary told her that maybe she should have just gone to a bar instead of trying to buy a whole bottle. Howard asked Andrea about the plan she had for trying to seduce Trent. She said that wasn't true and her friends were just trying to say that's what she wanted. Howard asked Trent if he would bang her. He said he would and he would even come back and tell Howard about it.
Howard asked Andrea what she was on this morning because she seemed a little wasted. Andrea said she had one shot of Jack Daniels she got from the plane and she's also on some medication. She explained how her father put her in a home after she got into an accident in her car.
Andrea was talking about how her father put her in this home and how she still lives with him but treats him like crap. She said her mother has helped her a lot and got her out of the home. Howard said that maybe her father is the one who really cares about her and wants to get her help. Gary asked if they could meet Andrea's mother because she was there in the green room. Will tried to get her to come in but she refused. Howard had him go out there with a wireless microphone to get her.
Howard said that maybe Andrea should have stayed in the home she was in. Her mother said the place wasn't a nice place and that's why she got her out of there. Howard thanked her for that a short time later and got back to Andrea.
Howard spent a few more minutes talking to Andrea about her drinking and the pills she's taking. She said she really needs some booze to loosen up a bit for this song. The guys were trying to figure out how they were going to perform the song but no one was sure who was going to sing what and when. Andrea said she knows the whole song so she could sing it all herself.
Trent had her come over and have a drink with him. They then suggested that Andrea sing the first verse and then they'd perform the rest of it. She tried to sing it but screwed up a couple of the lines. Then Trent came in and sang a duet with Andrea. He let her sing a little more on her own and then came back in and sang a little more with her.
Howard said she's kind of sexy when she sings. Gary said he would totally pay to see that show. Trent said they might have to put her on tambourine or something and get her in the band. Artie said she's sexy all the time but it goes up a notch when she sings. Trent is performing at the Mercury Lounge in NYC tonight at 7 so he invited Andrea to come see them there.
Howard mentioned that Andrea had a kid which seemed to surprise Trent. That led to the guys talking about how the kid is half black. Then they asked her what her name was. Andrea said that her name is Beyonce. That made Artie laugh pretty hard. She said she's going through hell right now with the kid and she needed a drink after the guys goofed on her name. Artie was goofing on her saying that she has a black son by the name of Ludicris. Andrea got another drink after Howard asked her mother if it was okay. She said she could have a couple of drinks if she wanted.
Artie said he can't wait to see what Beyonce looks like she she's 18. Andrea said she looks just like her right now. Howard asked why she's going through hell with this kid. Andrea said that the daughter's father has problems with his girlfriend and won't take pictures down of her. Howard asked her if she ever thought about having an abortion before she had this kid. Andrea said she had an appointment to do that but she decided against it. She's had other abortions though. She said she's had 2 of them.
Howard asked Andrea if she knows any of Trent's other songs. She knew a couple of them and she was willing to perform. Artie told her to sing the one about her half black kid. He sang a little bit to Trent's song earlier so Trent came up with some lyrics of his own and had Howard singing about that as well.
Howard said that it must have been great for Andrea to have performed with Trent. Andrea said it was great and thanked Howard and Trent and a bunch of other people for making it happen. She said she wanted to sing with Trent again so she came up with a couple of songs but settled on ''Cheatin' On My Honky-Tonk.'' Trent started the song and Andrea attempted to sing along with him. She didn't seem to know all of the lyrics. It could have been all of the booze she had been drinking this morning though.
Gary told Andrea that they had closed the bar but she was kind of upset about that. Gary told her that if she showed them her tits, he'd give her the whole bottle. Andrea never shows them her boobs and she was saying something about knowing them since she was 18 years old and how she's 23 now but there was no good excuse there. Howard said she must have nipple hair or bad implants. Andrea said that's not true and she doesn't have either. She just can't show them her boobs.
Howard was still trying to figure out the story she told earlier about getting into a car wreck and getting put in a mental hospital. She tried to explain more about that but she ended up talking about how guys just give her money and that she was out looking at BMWs the night she got into her accident. She was saying she makes about $1,000 a week from guys who just give her the money.
Howard said that she will lose her looks some day and wanted to know how she's going to make money then. Andrea said she won't be around when that happens and she hopes that she's not around after the age of 30. She's 23 now. She said she can't live that long because she thinks she'll look horrible then. Howard asked Trent if he still wants to bang this chick after hearing all of this. Trent said ''I don't know...'' Trent asked Andrea what she does to make the money she was talking about. She said the guy just won't go away and keeps giving her money. She said he gives her $800 to $1000 a week for no apparent reason. She says she doesn't have anything going on with him.
Andrea said that she's supposed to be doing a movie for Stuttering John and he wanted her to plug it. Gary told Howard that she's not totally out of her mind and John is supposed to be preparing some kind of horror movie that he's producing but it apparently doesn't have a plot yet.
Howard talked about how hot Andrea was looking this morning and started to wrap up with her. He asked her to rate some of the guys on the show. He asked her about the following guys...
Howard had a guy on the phone who said he was out with Jackie at some award show. That led to Howard asking Jackie about drinking there. The caller said Jackie got kind of nutty there. He said Jackie started taking his clothes off. He said he ripped his pants down and took his underwear off throwing it at a guy. Jackie said he was loaded and he was just having fun. They were at this guy's apartment. Jackie said he had a great time. The caller said he did too.
Howard asked Jackie if he has ever had a physical because his liver must have problems. Jackie said he has been to the doctor and he's fine. He said he doesn't drink that much.
Howard talked about how much Jackie drinks and how his parents used to drink too. He told some stories he's heard about his family. Gary came in and told some stories too. He told one story about going to a party in L.A. and Jackie was really drunk. Gary said Jackie was yelling at the top of his lungs at the party and they had to get out of there. They got Jackie into the limo and drove him back to the hotel. There was a big awning at the hotel and he asked Jackie if he was okay. As they limo pulled away Jackie was swinging around the awning pole. They sent him up to his room and they weren't able to wake him up the next morning. They called and slammed on the door for hours. He eventually woke up. Jackie said he wasn't late for work that day.
In the clip a drunk Sam Kinison was in studio and David Brenner showed up. Sam was kissing Brenner's ass and telling him how great he was. He was talking about what a legend he is and how he worships the guy.
Howard talked to Sam about Dice Clay a little bit too. Sam said that Dice is his Mark and Brian. Sam didn't understand why Howard likes Dice and went off on him about how little his movie made. He was rambling a bit and kept saying a name that Howard and Robin didn't recognize. It was Rudy Ray Moore. Sam and David knew who it was so they had to explain it to Howard and Robin.
Howard tried to move on with the news but Sam would interrupt constantly. David would get in on the stories and Sam would talk over him too. Howard had to turn the mics off for a little while so he and Robin could talk about some of the stories. When he turned the mics back on Sam would start rambling again.
Howard wanted to know how Sam was going to get sober for Letterman that night. Sam didn't seem to think it was going to be an issue. Sam was supposed to go on Joan Rivers too. He was supposed to be taping that afternoon. Sam said he'll be fine. He said he was there to impress David. He thinks that they would make a great double bill at a casino too. Sam said he'd open for David if he wanted.
Robin read some more news stories and Sam kept interrupting. David said he was learning a lot from Sam today. He had learned to have a plan and much more from Sam.
Robin read some news about Ted Kennedy and Sam kept saying that he was the ''Shemp of the Kennedy's.'' He said it over and over again. Sam told Howard he thinks that he gives him a courtesy laugh when he makes jokes like that. Howard said he's not like that. Sam kept telling the Shemp joke over and over even after that.
Sam kept interrupting Robin so Howard told him to let Robin finish her news and they'll talk more. Robin read some more stories but Sam wouldn't stop talking. Sam looked like he was going to puke on David. Sam said he was telling him an inside joke that only he and David would get.
Robin wrapped up and Howard spent a few more minutes with Sam and David. Howard gave David some plugs for some appearances he was making. Sam kept interrupting. Howard told David that the next time he comes in they'll discuss more with him.
Howard told David about the story Jessica Hahn told about Sam messing the floor in his hotel room one time. Sam didn't think that was so funny. Howard said he wanted to tell David the story. Sam was just going on and on about that story. David said he was so glad he came in there today. He said this is going to do for him what Pee Wee going to the theater did for his career.
Howard pointed out that Sam was having a few drinks while he was there this morning. Sam said he didn't think he had to say that on the air. Howard asked Sam how he's going to prepare to go on Joan Rivers' show. Sam didn't seem to think it would be a problem. David said he could never do that himself. Sam said the press coming from the show isn't going to be good if he keeps saying this. Howard said he isn't saying anything. He said he just said Sam had a few drinks.
Gary came in and told Howard that Meg Griffin is nowhere to be found. She's supposed to be coming in to do her air shift but he can't find her. Howard told Gary to go find her. He wanted to hear what she had to say about Sam.
Meg showed up so Howard asked Sam to be quiet. Howard said Meg has been upset with Sam in the past too. Howard said Meg is concerned with his image. Meg talked about what her problems with Sam are but Sam interrupted and said he knows she doesn't like him. Meg said he's degrading himself when he jokes about Rodney King and things like that. They ended up arguing about the Rodney King thing for a short time. Howard didn't think that was a racial thing but both Robin and Meg did.
Meg and Sam went back and forth about a bunch of subjects like the way Sam went off on Jessica Hahn and about the Rodney King thing. Sam said he wasn't too happy about what Howard said about his brother. Howard said this had nothing to do with him. Sam claims he has tape of Howard talking about his brother and he doesn't appreciate the way he did that.
Meg was feeling better about Sam after they talked some of that stuff out. Howard said he really had to get out of there. He couldn't leave though because Sam kept talking. Howard told Sam to put all of this behind him. Sam said he and Meg are getting along and he is kissing her ass. Howard said Sam still has to go do Joan Rivers today. Sam said Howard is going to screw things up for him if he keeps talking about him being drunk. Sam said he'll call in next week to tell him how it went on Letterman. They wrapped up and ended the show a short time later.
In the clip Gary told Howard he had Duff from Guns N Roses on the phone. Howard picked up and talked about how excellent the group is. Howard said it sounded like Duff needed sleep or maybe he had been drinking a little bit. Duff said ''not really.'' Howard said he wasn't even sure if this was really Duff. He had Gary ask him a question that only Duff would know.
Howard asked Duff what the band was up to. Duff said they're working on mastering their album. Duff said he had a little bit of ''Live and Let Die'' that he could play for them. Howard said that's like an exclusive for them. Duff tried to play something but it was hard to hear over the phone.
Howard talked to Duff about what the band is up to and found out he had a girl in the room with him. Duff said he'd put her on the line. He put her on a short time later. Howard asked her some questions and found out she's 21 and she met Duff through a friend. She wasn't willing to give up much info about her cup size and things like that. She ended up hanging up.
Howard said those guys are having the life. Gary came in and told Howard Duff was back on the line a short time later. Howard picked up on Duff again and he said that they had hung up on him. Howard said he didn't hang up. Howard spent a few minutes talking to Duff about the girl he was with. Howard also wanted to set up a date to hang out. Duff said he would do that.
Howard and Duff talked about Jon Bon Jovi and goofed on their music. Howard said he hates those guys because they're back stabbers. Howard and Duff spent a few more minutes talking about girls and setting up their meeting for the next day.
Howard's Mohegan Sun Casino Trip. 7/21/03. 6:25am
Howard took a call from a guy who asked him how his trip to the casino was over vacation. Howard said he went to the Mohegan Sun casino with Dominic Barbara. He was going to get to that story but he had so many other things to talk about he said his head was spinning. He talked a little more about Kobe Bryant before telling that story. He eventually got back to it and talked about how he didn't want to get on a boat with Dominic again after the last trip he had where it was almost like ''Gilligan's Island.'' Dominic hired someone to drive the boat for him and convinced Howard to go. Howard said Dominic had him, Wayne Siegel from Legend Porsche Audi and some others. Howard spent a minute talking about how much he likes Wayne because he sold him this Audi A8 recently and how great the car is. Howard said the GPS system in the car is great and he loves it. He said it's easy to operate and it gets him where he wants to go. He said a couple of times it did take him to the wrong place but he just hit a button and a live operator helped him get to the right place. Robin wondered if we were going to see Howard on a commercial pushing this On-Star thing after the way he was talking about it. Howard said the service is great and told everyone about how helpful it was.
Howard got back to the boat trip and said his buddies Artie, Ross and Richie were also on the trip. None of their girlfriends or wives went along. Howard said he drove the guys to the boat and said he wasn't going to get on the boat if Dominic was going to drive. Howard said he asked this boat Captain how he was supposed to know he was a captain. The guy told him he has a license but he didn't have it on him at the time. Howard said once they were on the boat Dominic demanded that he wanted to drive his boat with the captain helping. Howard said as soon as the pulled out Dominic ran over some guy's dingy and the guy was almost drowning in the water. Dominic blamed the guy in the dingy and said it was all his fault. Howard said after that they headed up to the Mohegan Sun casino and said the guys were all goofing on the fact that they were going to an Indian casino. They were starting off a lot of their sentences with ''Me this... Me that...'' Artie said that the guy who Dominic was running over had his wife on the dock and she was staring at Howard as they were pulling out.
Howard said a little while into the trip they had military guys coming up to the boat with guns pointed at them because they were too close to a military zone. They made Dominic go very slow as they passed by. They eventually got out of there and could get back up to speed. Howard said there was a woman anchored out in the area and she was just laying there sunning herself. Dominic gunned the boat and created a wake that almost rocked her out of it. Artie said there were also some girls rowing out in the water and he almost tipped them over as well. Howard said Dominic was having trouble with his radio and couldn't get the right channel. They eventually docked after that and Dominic was able to do that pretty well. Artie said that Richie was petrified when he saw Dominic running the guy over earlier in the trip. They were lucky that they could dock after almost running the guy over earlier.
Howard said they had a limo waiting there at the dock for them. Dominic was giving the guy a hard time about the way they were driving to the casino. Then the driver had some ideas he wanted to give to Howard but Dominic got pissed and thought he was driving the long way to the casino so he could talk to Howard. Howard said the driver was really cool and nice and told Dominic to stop complaining. When they got to the casino they had a lame spread of food. Dominic was telling them that they were going to have a great spread but it wasn't all that great. It turns out Dominic was dropping his name and told the casino that they were bringing Howard there. Howard said there's no telling how much he dropped his name before they went up there.
Howard said they spent an hour and 15 minutes playing craps once they started gambling. While he was talking about that Dominic called in and said he had a great line when he ran over the guy in the dingy. He said he was going to sue the guy for hitting his boat. Howard went on to talk about how much they were gambling. Howard said when they were getting read to leave Howard was playing some Blackjack and actually won some money. He won about $1,600. Artie said he lost about $3,500 that day. He was up some money but ended up losing it all on a hand of Blackjack. Howard said Artie is such a loser when it comes to gambling.
Howard said they lost Ross at the casino and he got really pissed at him. They said some things to one another and it wasn't pretty. Artie said he had to walk away because it was so scary. Howard said the two of them ended up fighting and telling each other about things people have said about each other. They made up with each other a short time later though. Howard said he put some toilet paper in Ross' pants so it was hanging out the back. He said he was so drunk he didn't know it was there. Howard said when Ross got home his girlfriend was massaging him and found some of this toilet paper in his underwear and thought he had an accident or something.
Howard said he and Ross are best friends again after that fight. He said it didn't last long and now they don't hate each other but hate Linda Lopez. He said he was just kidding about that though. He said Linda and Ross had words with each other over something one time but that should be taken care of as well. Gary said Ross told him about the trip but left out the argument with Howard. Howard said he was so drunk he probably doesn't even remember it. Howard was also drunk so the fighting was all nonsense. Howard talked about how funny their fight was and about some of the stuff they were saying to each other. Ross was claiming that Linda Lopez said that Beth (Howard's girlfriend) is in love with her boyfriend so much that she'd leave Howard for him in a second.
Howard took a call from a guy who was at the casino. He said no one was keeping people from hanging out near them so he asked Artie for an autograph. The guy didn't have much of a story but he did say that Dominic got pissed at him because he was smoking a cigar. Howard said Dominic ended up getting all freaked out by the cigar smoke and asked him to put it out. Howard said the guy might have had an interesting story but his phone connection sucked so he hung up on him.
Howard and Artie spent a few more minutes talking about their Craps game and how much fun they had doing that. Artie said they played it for like 5 hours and it seemed like it was only 5 minutes. Howard also mentioned that Beth is on the cover of Hampton's Magazine so they went to a party one night for that. He said he's been drinking so much lately that when he had a straight vodka, he thought it tasted like water.
Howard said even though they were at an Indian casino, he never saw any Indians there. He figures the place is probably run by some guy named ''Joey'' and there's no Indians running it. He talked about how well Dominic was doing playing craps and how Artie brought the winning streak to a halt when he started playing. Wayne Siegel was on the phone and mentioned something about a little Asian woman who wanted to play at their table but Dominic wanted her thrown out because she was going to ruin the win streak. They talked about a couple of other things before Wayne got off the phone.
Another phone caller mentioned that Cher was up there at the casino that day. Artie said he heard they were in the suite right next to Cher while they were there. The caller told Howard about some of the other stuff they have going on up there at that casino. Howard said he had tons of other stuff to talk about but he had to take another break first. He ended up talking about this Chinese woman that Dominic had kicked out and how pissed she was. He went to break right after that.
Today's Wasted Week was over around 11:10am.
Various Stuff. 12/18/02. 6:05am
Artie brought up the fact that John is doing whip-its like a high school kid. John said he has a special affection for the whipped cream cans. John told Howard about the high and how it's the greatest high in the world. John told Howard about the technique he uses so he doesn't get whipped cream on him. John said he carries a can with him and spent like $50 on whipped cream cans at the bar last night. John said there's only one hit per can so they pile up quick. Artie said it looks like a Carvel ice cream store when he's done. KC came in and told John that the reason you get a high is because there's a lack of oxygen to your brain. John said it really is a great experience but then said he doesn't recommend anyone do it. John said he doesn't believe it's as dangerous as people say it is. He said it's like the sweet air you get when you go to the dentist. Howard asked John if he even knows what's in that can. John said he thinks it's nitrous oxide but he wasn't sure about that. Howard said he wants to see John do this sometime. KC asked him ''How old are you?'' and goofed on him a little bit. Howard asked him why he doesn't just drink. He likes the different highs though. Howard said he had no idea John was doing this stuff. KC said that you can go to the grocery store and just pop open the caps on the whipped cream cans. John said that there's a safety cap on them though. KC said he used to do that when he was like 13 years old.
Stuttering John said he did this when he was hanging out with Howard one time so he's surprised that he didn't know about it. John told Howard he didn't want to say when that was though because he didn't want to incriminate anyone.
Howard spent a short time finishing up the party story. He heard some stories about Mike Gange screwing up with the women last night. The guys told Howard that he was about to hook up with one hot chick and he ended up blowing it. Gary and John said they've heard that Gange gets at least one hot intern per semester though. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and told a couple of stories about stuff he saw going on and then Howard took another break.
After the break Howard said Stuttering John demonstrated his whip-its use for him. Howard said it was kind of sad seeing him do that. Howard took a call from a guy who told Howard it's perfectly safe to do what he's doing. John came in giggling and did another one in front of everyone. He pointed out that Robin has smoked pot in her life and this is just another way of getting high. Robin was telling John how dopey he was for doing this stuff. John offered Howard a can but he turned it down.
Howard was talking about how he's started to drink wine and he's getting pretty good at picking out good ones. Robin talked about drinking with their agent and the kind of wines he picks. Stuttering John asked if he drinks red wine. Howard said he will drink both red and white depending on what he's eating.
John said drinking is a lot of fun. Howard said it is. He said he might start writing songs about it like Jackie does. Howard asked if Jackie had ever written one about wine. Jackie didn't have any songs like that.
Howard said he likes drinking tequila shots too. He said he had like 10 shots of that Sammy Hagar tequila. He said it may have been like 7 shots. John said that stuff is a different high because it's more like a drug than alcohol. Fred drank that the night he passed out at Scores. Fred said he was having that with beer chasers.
Howard said one night he had someone order him a Cosmopolitan. He said that's what he wants right now. He said they should get drunk on the air. John had some suggestions for drinks and Howard said it's no wonder John is having hemorrhoids with the amount he drinks.
John was telling the guys how he drinks and what he will and won't mix together. Gary said that's ''John logic'' that he's telling everyone.
Jackie talked about what he won't mix and that led to Fred playing his song ''Fools Gold'' and Howard said he actually likes that song. He said there must be something wrong with him. He said maybe it has to do with him drinking. Fred played another one of Jackie's songs after that. That was his ''Cold Gold'' song. Howard and the guys laugh as soon as they hear the harmonica playing in that song. Fred played a couple of Jackie's other songs and some Jackie clips before they moved on.
Jeff ''The Drunk'' Curro Comes In Again. 11/8/02. 6:40am
After taking a break Howard said that there is a tape going around that shows Jeff The Drunk Curro falling down as he was leaving the show yesterday. The guys all thought it was hilarious so Howard said he's going to run it at the end of the E! show every night. He wasn't injured but apparently took quite a fall. Robin said she didn't know it was as bad as it was after seeing the tape. Howard said Jeff the Drunk came back down to the studio today because he never went home after the show yesterday. Howard wanted to know what he did yesterday after the show so KC went to bring him in. They were trying to get rid of him but Howard wanted to talk to him so they changed their minds.
Howard killed a few minutes talking about how he was invited to the Osbourne's wedding vow renewal party. He said he doesn't want to go to it because he knows it'll turn into a TV show and he doesn't want to be part of it. Howard spent some time talking about his relationship with Ozzy and Sharon. He said he probably could have gotten Sharon to come on his show after they found out she had cancer but they didn't even think of doing that. He said that Barbara Walters is such a vampire that she calls her right up and puts her on 20/20 to talk about her cancer. Robin pointed out that Barbara got Ozzy to cry when she asked him what he's going to do if Sharon dies. Howard said he's envious of Ozzy's love for Sharon.
Jeff the Drunk finally showed up so Howard said he'd keep the segment short. Jeff was carrying a bag full of beer. Gary told Howard that when Jeff falls down you can hear a bunch of his beers breaking. Howard replayed it and tried to hear the breaking. The guys got a few more laughs from the clip. Ronnie the Limo Driver came in and said that when they sent Jeff home yesterday they had to send down a big guy from the station to put him in a cab. The 200 pound guy wasn't able to get him into the cab so he asked for help. He also said that Jeff was choking on something yesterday and was turning purple in the green room.
Chaunce Hayden called in and said that he heard that Jeff was thrown out of his hotel room yesterday. Jeff said the hotel people asked him to leave so he vanished for a long time during the day. Jeff said they did ask him to leave but gave a wacky explanation about his manager getting him another night there. He said that his manager told him they got him another night there but 5 minutes later they came and demanded that he leave. He left and went to a bar and hung out for a while.
KC said that nothing is ever good enough for Jeff and he's one of the toughest guests to deal with. Howard took a phone call from this guy Tim who said he doesn't want to see Jeff kill himself with alcohol. Jeff said Tim is the one who introduced him to Howard. Tim talked about how much Jeff drinks and how he hates to see that going on. KC and Howard also pointed out what a mess he is. KC said his fingernails are really long and Howard said he has snot dripping down into his moustache. He said there's a lot of stuff going on there.
KC said that Jeff's manager wants to meet him at the station at 3 o'clock today so Jeff wanted to sleep there for a few hours. KC said that when Jeff leaves the studio he's going to get really pissed and upset that he can't sleep there. Jeff said that he'll leave quietly if they want him to.
This guy called in and claimed to be Jeff's manager but after arguing with the guy for a few minutes they found out it was Sean the White Rapper. Gary and KC were talking about what a pain in the ass this guy is and it wasn't even him. Howard wrapped up the segment a short time later and took a break.
In the clip Howard was on the phone with a guy who was talking about his drinking problem and how he had cured himself by smoking crack. Howard asked the guy if he was white. He said he was. He said he lives up near where Howard lives.
Howard asked the guy if he works. The guy said he's retired at the age of 40. Howard asked if he was an ex-cop. The guy just said ''next question...'' Howard asked the guy questions about smoking crack and asked if he thinks about killing himself and things like that. The guy wasn't answering straight though.
Howard asked the guy when he wakes up. The guy said it's about 4 in the afternoon. He has some coffee when he gets up. Howard said that's not good for you either. Howard asked when he goes to start drinking. The guy said he will drink vodka so no one can smell it on him. He said he learned that at his previous job. He also said he loves Fresca.
Howard was going through the guy's life when the caller's mother started yelling at him. Howard had the guy put his mom on the phone. She didn't know about the crack thing so Howard was going to leave that out. Howard said that she's probably pissed that he's emptying her vodka bottles. The caller said she doesn't drink.
Howard said the mom must think he's lazy living at home at 40. The guy said he helps pay the bills.
Howard asked how much crack he does a day. The caller said he gets ripped off all the time when he buys. He said you spend your money, you get ripped off, you do the crack, feel good for a while and then come down. He said he was coming down now since he came home at 4:30 in the morning and it was like 7 now.
Gary said this guy was calling other radio stations all night. He was on another station when he was still high.
Howard asked the guy if he smokes pot too. The guy said he doesn't like that. He said he thinks they should legalize all drugs though. Howard asked how many times a day he gets high from crack. The guy said he started about a year ago and it was 2 months apart. The guy talked about how long the high lasts and said it's only like 20 seconds. He said he wants another hit right away. The guy said you just keep going and going. He said it almost feels like an orgasm. Howard asked how long he's gone smoking. The guy said he has gone for two days. They spent a few more minutes going over that stuff before Howard let the guy go.
In the clip Howard and Robin were preparing for a Mystery Guest by blindfolding themselves. The guest came in and disguised his voice. Robin and Howard asked questions trying to figure out who he was. Robin eventually guessed it was Joe Frazier.
Howard talked to Joe about what he was there to promote. Joe was there to promote a fight that was coming up that week. Joe is doing some boxing promotion now. Howard found out that Joe isn't married. Joe talked about Mike Tyson a little bit too.
They took a break that was edited out. Howard talked to Joe about the sponsor they had and that led to Joe talking about his drinking and what he likes to drink.
After the break Howard said Joe was drinking some Asti Spumanti. Joe said if he gets a headache then Howard had better move out of the way. He said he'll come back to get him. Howard said he's afraid to get him a drink. Joe told him to get him some other stuff on the side.
Howard talked to Joe about his house and what that's like. Joe said he lives over a gymnasium. He said he has a loft that's almost a full block long. He said the place is really big. He said Howard has a place to stay if he's ever down in Philly.
Howard and Joe did some singing together. They sang some Sinatra ''My Way'' real quick. Joe said that he had a record out and they didn't produce him very well. He said he made a record and they didn't help him out with it at all. Joe sang some Elvis too. Howard asked how much they gave him to make the record. Joe said it was 50 grand.
Howard had Fred get the guitar out so he could play along with Joe. Joe wanted to do ''Proud Mary'' but ended up singing some other stuff. Fred and Joe performed some stuff. Howard and Robin got in on the songs too.
Howard did some more commercials and talked to Joe about the Asti Spumanti. Joe was enjoying it. They spent a few more minutes talking before they had to wrap up. Joe was philosophizing a bit and Howard said that the Asti Spumanti will make anyone a philosopher. Howard started to wrap up but Joe was going on and on even more.
Howard took some phone calls and let some people ask some questions. They ended up talking more about Mike Tyson and Don King during that segment too.
Howard had a couple of girls come in to do a commercial and Joe noticed that one of them wasn't wearing a bra. The girl was just 18 years old. They spent some time talking to the girls and Joe was getting a little bit creepy with them. They had to wrap up with Joe a short time later.
In the clip Howard was talking to Jackie about his marriage and that led to them talking about his drinking too. Howard talked about finding a book at Jackie's house about how to live with an alcoholic. Howard said Jackie was smashed the day they found that book there at the house too.
Howard and the guys talked about Jackie's drinking and Stuttering John said he was just drinking the night before. Howard said Nancy won't bug him if he's at a party. He said that's where Jackie is supposed to be having fun. Jackie said that John shows up with his kid and brings his wife and her brother when he comes to a party. That led to them talking about Jackie's parties and how people show up like that all the time. John was talking about Jackie's drinking and how it's more than Jackie is admitting to. Jackie told John he's banned from his house for 2 weeks after revealing all of this stuff.
Gary told a story about how he had to carry Jackie into his hotel room once. John said that Jackie drank every day that he was on vacation. Jackie said that's like a weekend. He said he's not denying anything.
Howard asked Jackie if he could quit drinking for a week. Jackie said he could do that. Howard said he bets he couldn't do it. Jackie said he has done it before. He said for a year he didn't drink at one point when he was doing some TV stuff. Howard said the pressure wasn't on him back then though. Robin said it would have to be a health related problem for Jackie to give it up.
The guys told some more stories about Jackie's drinking and how he passed out on the floor one time and had people opening the door into his head. Jackie didn't wake up even when that was going on.
Steve O From MTV's ''Jackass'' Comes In. 1/28/02. 8:15am
Steve O from MTV's ''Jackass'' TV show came in to do a wacky stunt for Howard. Steve is one of the featured performers on the insane stunt show ''Jackass'' and he's got a new uncensored video called ''Don't Try This At Home'' that's available at SteveoVideo.com.
Howard watched some of the video and said that Steve O might just be crazy. At one point Steve O has his hair set on fire with gasoline and burned his face. He also has Roman candles shot at his ass and darts thrown at his ass. Howard said it was great. Steve O also craps in a car and throws the crap at another car while they're driving. Steve said his favorite stunt was when he shot up a few shots of vodka through an IV. He said he got pretty wasted when he did that. He said he was actually able to find a registered nurse to give him the IV.
Steve O said that his original goal was to become a stunt man. He went to a clown school and started doing these crazy stunts when he was about 15 years old. He said he can get chicks now that he's been on ''Jackass.''
Howard said Steve staples his nut sack to his leg in the video. Steve told Howard he started out doing it with an office stapler and moved up to the one he uses in the video.
Howard read through some of the other crazy stunts Steve has done in his ''career.'' They were all pretty disturbing... and he was going to do one for Howard today. He had 5 goldfish that he was going to swallow and vomit back up into a fish bowl. Howard wasn't sure if he could watch it though. He told Steve that he didn't want him to do all 5 at once because he didn't want him passing out or something. Steve O went ahead and swallowed all 5 fish. Before he came in he guzzled a bunch of water. He drank a little more and then tried to make himself puke. Howard was laughing hysterically as Steve O gagged and puked the fish up. He managed to get 3 out alive before ''orange juice'' started coming out. Howard made him stop after the three came out. The fourth fish was dismembered. Steve ran out of water so he finally stopped.
Howard said Steve brought his girlfriend Dee with him and she might be kind of dumb. Gary was asking her some questions out in the green room and she couldn't answer them. Howard had her come in and spent a few minutes talking to her. Howard asked her what she does for a living and she just said she ''makes people happy.'' Howard asked her a few questions to find out how dopey she really was. She knew that there are 365 days in a year but she didn't know that one pound of silicone weighs as much as one pound of saline. She was able to spell ''receive'' but didn't know what KKK stood for. She also thought the Eiffel Tower is in Central Park. Dee stripped down real quick for Howard and he said she's really hot.
Howard was starting to wrap up the interview when Steve pulled out his staple gun and got ready to staple his nut sack to his leg. Howard told him not to do it but Dee got the staple gun and stapled his sack to his leg. Howard sounded really freaked out by the sight of it. Artie Lange said he'd never seen Howard react like that. Steve then pulled the staple out. KC said there was blood on the staple.
Howard spent a couple more minutes with the two of them and took some phone calls for them. A couple of people thought it sounded great on the radio and said they can't wait for it to be on E!. Steve O said they're shooting ''Jackass the Movie'' soon and hopes that will help make him some money. Howard plugged Steve O's web site again as he wrapped up the interview. Steve said that you not only get the ''Don't Try This At Home'' video but you get the ''Career Ender'' video which features even more insane stunts that might just end his career.
Howard At The Hard Rock Hotel Casino. 1/29/01. 10-11am
Howard went to the audience one more time before the end of the show. He ended up signing a bunch of breasts because there were so many women wanting to show him their cans. The casino people had to ask Gary to tell the women to put their tops back on.
The final guests of the evening were Robbie Knievel and Steve Rossi. Robbie was very belligerent and Howard kept asking him what he was drinking. He was rambling and yelling about stuff but it was very hard to follow. He had his girlfriend Jenny there also. Howard tried talking to her but Robbie was being very obnoxious and loud. We did find out that Robbie just signed a contract to race in the Busch series. He yelled that he'll be making millions more than he makes doing stunts.
Howard spoke to Steve Rossi a little bit and found out he had a stroke a couple of years ago. Howard thanked him for not calling and telling him about it.
Howard finally got Robbie to settle down a little bit so they could place the last bets of the evening. They played their final hand of black jack and bet a couple hundred once again. Howard ended up with a push while Robin lost $300 again. Steve won and I think Robbie lost along with Jackie. After that hand Howard wrapped things up in Las Vegas. Tomorrow he'll be broadcasting from the E! studios in Los Angeles.
Howard Plays Drunken Jackie Tape. 10/18/99. 8:35am
Earlier in the morning Howard was talking about Jackie's appearance out in Las Vegas this past weekend. Someone told Howard that Jackie sang a song out there. That led to Stuttering John bringing up how Jackie made a fool out of himself at his wedding. John actually had tape of that mess that Howard never played on the air. Today he played some of it and it was Jackie singing his ''Pot Song'' and a drunken version of ''Midnight Hour.'' That led to a whole long discussion about how inappropriate Jackie is at a lot of functions. Everyone there had a story about Jackie being either drunk, naked or both. John told the story about how Jackie passed out in front of a door after his wedding and everyone was opening the door into his head. Howard had a couple of stories. One of them was how Jackie didn't know that drinks were free down in the casinos down in Atlantic City and when he found out he ran around like a kid telling his wife about it. Howard also told a story about how he saw Jackie lying nude on a bed eating a tray full of shrimp and steak while he was on the Nutri-System diet. Everyone also brought up how Jackie chased KC around with his penis wagging around out of his pants. Howard thinks Jackie may have some gay tendencies but Stuttering John said Jackie's just comfortable being nude.
Various Stuff. 10/7/02. 6:05am
Howard said Artie asked him if he went to Stuttering John's ''surprise'' party last week. Howard said that Robin and Mr. X (who ruined the surprise) didn't show up to the party. Robin said Mr. X was too embarrassed to go. Howard said he got drunk before going to the party. Gary came in and said he already heard that Howard was wasted when he got there. He said that Doug from E! told him that Howard was walking into furniture because he was so drunk.
Howard went on to tell everyone the story of his night before John's party. He went out with his buddy Ross and had a few drinks at this one bar. He said he didn't eat much so he got ''lit up'' pretty quick. He and Ross then went to see if Beth, Howard's girlfriend, was still working at this fashion show. She was still working so Howard and Ross had some more drinks. Beth eventually showed up and knew that Howard was drunk.
Gary made some comments about how much Howard is drinking lately. He has done that on a couple of other occasions so Howard ended up telling him to just stop because it's the same rap every time.
Howard said they had an hour long drive to John's party so they stopped at some place to get some drinks. They had a limo so they weren't driving. Howard had more drinks in the car. Howard said he even brought his drink into John's party because he knew the drinks there wouldn't be that good. John said they had good stuff there so Howard didn't need to bring his own. Howard went on to talk about what happened at the party. Howard said John's house almost burned down the other day so there was soot all over the place and he ruined his pants while playing with John's dog in his basement. The house caught fire due to electrical problems with a pool heater they have. Howard said it was kind of depressing there because it was such a mess.
Artie didn't make it to John's party because his girlfriend threw him a special dinner for just the two of them. He said she took him out for a helicopter tour of New York City and then went out to dinner.
Howard and John talked about who actually did show up to John's party. John said that he had a lot of close friends there and a few people from work also came.
They had some gambling going on at the party and Howard ended up getting pissed while watching some people play Black Jack. Howard said one guy split 10s which just wasn't right so he got up and left.
On Sunday Howard said he went to a dog show where they had only English Bull Dogs. He said he and his daughter played with some and checked them out. Howard said there was a great crowd there and they had a lot of fun there.
Howard took a call from a guy who was concerned with Howard's drinking. He said he's afraid that Howard's going to keep drinking and will become an alcoholic. Artie said he used to take drinks into the shower with him so he wouldn't lose his buzz before going out to drink some more.
Howard said he went out to dinner with Billy Joel on Saturday night. Robin said a lot of people are trying to hook Billy up with women lately. Howard said Billy told him he's embarrassed to go out these days because of that.
Howard tried to watch porn with Beth last night. He said it's an old movie that he's seen before called ''The Image'' and he didn't know it was out on DVD until it showed up at the station last week. He said everything got ruined when people started calling him and the sound wasn't working with the DVD for some reason. Howard said Beth ended up falling asleep before they could watch the DVD.
Howard said he did something really embarrassing on Friday night. This guy called in who heard Howard call in to the radio station while he was on his way to John's party. He was drunk so he sounded like a mess. Howard said he was yelling into the phone as he talked to Booker the DJ. They weren't sure if they had the call available to them or not. Booker called in and said he has tape of the call but it was out in his car so he couldn't play it right then. He said he'd call back with the tape.
Howard finally found out the name of the porn that he was talking about earlier. It was called ''The Image.'' He spent a few more minutes talking about that. He said it's kind of old so the women in it have ''full bush'' and there aren't any breast implants.
Howard and the guys spent some time talking about the possible attacks on Iraq and about some of the celebrities who are speaking out against it. Tim Robbins name came up as well as a few others during the short discussion.
In the clip Howard was talking about the ''new'' Joe Walsh who is being controlled by the guys in the Eagles. He said he's like the Stepford Joe Walsh. They talked about how odd it is but it will keep Joe in the Eagles.
Billy West was in so he started doing his Joe Walsh impression. He kept saying ''How ya doin'?'' over and over. He was also singing a little bit. Billy held his nose and covered his mouth to do the impression.
Gary talked about how much fun he had going to a concert with Joe not that long ago. Howard had been to some shows with Joe too and Joe had fun with him. Billy did more of his impression and had the guys laughing pretty hard. Billy was singing a bunch of Joe's songs and kept saying ''How ya doin'?'' after every line.
Howard played some old tape of Joe calling into the show, drunk, and rambling. That led to more of Billy's impressions. Howard said he misses Joe. Billy, as Joe, said he misses him too.
Robin said she thinks that a sober Joe would be a fine guest. Howard didn't seem to agree. Howard said they had a sober Sam Kinison on the show one time and he said he thought he'd be better drunk so Sam went out and got drunk. Billy started talking more as Joe and saying that he was going to take his advice and go out and get drunk.
Backstage At The MTV Video Music Awards. 9/8/00. 8-9am
Kid Rock and his girlfriend James King showed up for a few minutes. Howard tried to interview them but he was so wasted it was hard. Robin blew a .105 on the breathalyzer around this time also.
Howard tried asking Kid Rock about dating James King and how great it was. Howard said he could see right through her top. Kid tried to take over the show and tell a story since Howard's interviewing skill were being affected by the alcohol. The story didn't make much sense so Howard tried to move on. He said it was probably the worst interview he'd ever done and apologized to the audience for it.
Howard's buddy Ross Zapin showed up so Howard spent a minute with him. He said that Ross sleeps with a lot of whores.. for no obvious reason. The band Papa Roach was there and Howard was going to pass on them until Gary told him that the lead singer blew a .20 on the breathalyzer. Howard tried to talk to the guy but he was so drunk that he wasn't making much sense. Howard kept asking him what it was like to be a big rock star and the guy just slurred his words and said that everything is all good. He told Howard that his cameraman is more drunk than he is.
Howard took a break and came back with Jakob Dylan. Once again he tried to do an interview and failed miserably at it. Howard was so drunk that when he was talking about Kate Hudson with Jakob, he called her the ''son of Goldie Hawn..'' and didn't even realize it. He was interviewing so poorly that someone suggested that they let Jakob do the interviewing. Jakob was getting annoyed with the whole situation and only asked Howard about drinking. Howard apologized for the whole thing and told him that they really enjoy his music. Jakob told Howard that he goes where the love is and that's why he blew off all of the other shows to do his. Jackie was doing his Bob Dylan impression and Benjy started to sing a Dylan song that was in poor taste. Howard called Benjy an asshole and told him to get out. Howard apologized once again and told Jakob to come on the show when everyone's not drunk. He said he'd be more than happy to do that.
After he left Gary said that John had spilled a beer on Jakob's jacket. They may never hear from the guy again. Howard said that he knew Jakob was getting annoyed with the whole thing and it was obvious.
Paul Turner said he blew a .147 on the breathalyzer. He gave the tallies again and Howard was up to 9. Robin was up to 8 and Gary was up to 10. Jackie was at 11 and Fred was at 17! Howard caught a glimpse of a hot blonde walking around so he asked her who she was. Tara the Scores chick got jealous so Howard told her that she was cuter than the blonde.
Backstage At The MTV Video Music Awards. 9/8/00. 10-11am
Paul gave the tote once again around 10 and it hadn't changed much. Paul was up to 13 drinks himself. Robin was still at 8, Howard was at 9, Gary was at 10. The big drinker was Brian from E!. He was up to 20! Fred was also up there with 19. He was combining Scotch and beer. Jackie was up to 12 bloody marys.
Sting and his wife Trudy showed up for a few minutes. Sting told Howard that he was glad the MTV show was over and he doesn't know why he puts himself through that crap every year. He did enjoy presenting the award though because he got to see some leather hot-pants on Destiny's Child. Howard was kissing up to Trudy and said to her ''I'd love to fuck you.'' He was so drunk that he just wasn't watching his language at all. Of course it was bleeped when he said it. Jackie asked Howard what the hell he was doing. Trudy told Howard that she was wearing a ''knicker-less dress'' which Howard heard as ''nig*er-less''. He thought she was using some racist name for her dress.
Gary came in and said that he'd try to plug Sting's Central Park free concert. He slurred the words and spoke too close to the microphone.
Howard's hair stylist, Toni Coburn, came in to meet Sting. She's a very big fan of Sting's and wanted to say hello. Gary told Howard that Toni just about had a ''puddle in her panties'' over Sting. She said a few words to them and hung out for a couple of minutes. Sting had a couple of margaritas and said they were the best he's ever had.
Howard asked Sting and Trudy if they ever swing with other couples. They didn't admit to it but Trudy it sounded like a good idea. Trudy said that she goes to strip clubs with Sting and he pays the girls to do lap dances for her. Toni said she didn't want to believe that those stories are true.
Howard took one last break and came back to let people plug stuff and take one last breathalyzer test. Robin blew a .14, Howard blew a .091 and Gary blew a .126. Brian from E! came over and blew a .145 while Fred blew a .111.
Gary told Howard that he had to apologize to all of the guests as they left because the whole show was so uncomfortable.
Howard let the breathalyzer guy plug his web site BACSys.com and said that Citrus is on 75th and Amsterdam in New York City.
Robin just about puked while Howard was rapping things up. Benjy went over to her for some reason and ended up puking on her. Jackie went over and stuck his tongue in Robin's ear. Finally, Howard took one last breathalyzer and blew a .786. The Breathalyzer guy said that was the highest reading he'd ever seen. Howard just ended it after that. He gave up on doing the song parody thing because everyone was so wasted. Tune in Monday to find out who the finalists are. What a strange show this was.
Today's Wasted Week was over around 11:20am.
Best Of Wasted Week was over around 10:50am.